Aly Raisman: Thirty, Single & Thriving (FBF)

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy ally raiseman welcome to call her daddy thank you so much for having me i am so happy that we're doing this i'm such a huge fan i've been a huge fan for a while to be able to like sit here in person with you it's an honor so thank you for being here i am such a big fan of you too and i think we have the same name is your legal name alexandra yes me too should we call each other alexandra should we go by alexandra today yeah nobody calls me alexandra in interviews oh my god i wonder like how did you get ally and how did i get alex like who where did you oh okay so first of all i'm a very big fan of you too congratulations on everything it's amazing love listening to your podcast um i so my legal name is alexandra and really no one calls me that when i was little i used to actually be called sexy lexi oh Just probably weird but when i was like five years old everyone called me sexy lexi i don't know why okay ally i didn't know what sexy meant but everyone called me sexy lexi in kindergarten like even like some of the moms around me too they still call me that to this day and then when i was like a couple years later i i thought my real name was alexandra and i i asked my mom one day and she said it was alexandra and i felt like i had been lied to my whole life because i was a very dramatic kid so then i went by alexandra and i was like alexandra for a little bit and then i actually don't remember where ally came from but i love when my childhood friends call me lexi because it's just like they knew me before everything i was about to say i i thought you were to say i love when my childhood friends call me sexy lexi i'm like yeah i wish my childhood friends would call me sexy lexi they call me big al like you got sexy lexi and i got big al from alexandra like make it make sense i love that for you i don't know where it came from but i was five years old and it's funny because some of my guy friends that are married now i'm like i don't think they call me sexy lexi anymore oh but i don't think they do their wife is like what the fuck is going on but my girlfriends do from childhood it's it's funny but now that i look back i'm like imagine hearing someone call a five-year-old sexy lexi it's so weird oh my god you were exuding just like i don't know i had no idea what it was okay well today we're both alexandra yes so i read your article and to anyone that didn't read it you're gonna read it because you're gonna fall in love and we're gonna talk about it today but you basically wrote an article about being single at 30 and you talk about how it's really not where you thought you were going to be in your life at that point so there is a lot to discuss today about timelines comparison just how hard it is to date in general but before we get into that because the daddy gang is going to freak out over that conversation that's literally all we talk about over here okay um we need to talk about the olympics you are going to the olympics this year yes i am going to the olympics this year we will be hanging out i can't wait um what are you most excited for about paris it's my first time going not competing so i don't really know what to expect but i'm so excited and i'm obviously the most excited to watch the gymnastics and i got to go to olympic trials last week and it was so fun and it was it's so emotional watching everyone and i know everyone works so hard so i am a huge fan of gymnastics too and i grew up just being obsessed with it and watching it and so i love watching incredible athletes from all over the world too and i think what's so cool about the olympics is obviously i'm rooting for the u.s team and i think that they look so good and i'm so impressed with them but i also love how as an eight-year-old you know one of my favorite gymnasts was a ukrainian gymnast and so i just feel like what's so cool is the whole world comes together and you just really appreciate just greatness and such incredible um athleticism so i'm so excited and then i also want to go to like my brother is coming and he wants to go to ping pong finals i'm like that would be so cool can we go together i'm like ping pong and then also like break dancing is a sport officially in the olympics this year i'm like i will be there my favorite movie growing up was step up maybe channing tatum hit me up we can go watch together he's like absolutely not um there are so many random things that i want to go see obviously we have like the big massive sports that get so much like notoriety but there's some like random things i'm like i want to go see fencing like i would like to okay yeah we'll go together we'll go together okay um you started gymnastics when you were two like how do you like two years old and you're starting gymnastics and like being an athlete i feel like that just becomes so much of your identity from such a young age right but overall we're going back to the beginning like i love to do here on color daddy because it really paints the picture of who someone is like how would you describe your personality when you were growing up that's a good question aside from sexy lexi i've never been asked that i think that well i was obsessed with gymnastics i loved it more than anything else in the world i just always wanted to be there i'm the oldest of four so i loved being a big sister i still do but i'm two years older than my brother brett and then six years older than chloe and eight years older than madison so i felt like i was like i just like loved being the big sister and i remember you know those little like cars the little mini ones that like kids drive around i just like would pretend i was like the mom and taking them around the driveway like i just loved being a big sister and they used to sleep in bed with me every night which is just so cute where'd you grow up um i grew up in newton nita mass okay um yeah and i just i have so many great memories of that and then i just loved i used to beg my coaches to let me stay later at practice and actually thankfully they wouldn't let me because they didn't want me to burn out but i was so sad to leave the gym i was obsessed like i remember i would miss halloween even at a young age because i wanted to be at the gym i was just like so driven i think you have to be like born with something a little bit extra crazy in you to be that intense but i loved it i can see how you being the oldest probably shaped a lot of them like your relationships in gymnastics because it's like you have this like maternal feeling about you what was your relationship like to your parents i'm very close with my parents i still am so very grateful for that because the older i've got i've realized a lot of people don't have good relationships with their family so i didn't realize when i was younger just how lucky i am for that and i also appreciate how when i didn't do well at a meet or practice they didn't get mad at me and they were even more i think loving and supporting when i didn't do as well and if they weren't supportive i would have never survived like i had teammates when i was younger that were actually better than me but because their parents put so much pressure on them they just couldn't do it i don't blame them i wouldn't have been able to do it because we're already i think our own worst critic and then our coaches are hard on us and then you go home and your parents are on you it's just so i'm so glad my parents are on me and i'm so glad i'm on my team and i'm so glad my parents are on me and i'm so glad my parents are on me and i'm so glad my parents i knew that if i didn't do well they would be there for me and support me oh that's like invaluable like i playing soccer growing up had the same vibe with my parents where it was like they were so supportive of course if i like asked them like what i could have done better at like my mom was like oh i got you like i was watching but she's not i'm not getting in the car with a pit in my stomach that i'm gonna get yelled at and i knew a lot of my friends had those parents that were like the dad was yelling in the car like screaming like you've seen the parents insane shit that you're like whoa i can't imagine not being able to go home and escape it and it feels like a full-time job and we're talking about being like seven eight nine ten year old girls and it's like it's not that deep it is and eventually became your like life but it's also like you have to have balance in order in my opinion to survive and to go the distance or else you just burn out i completely agree and i think that it also maybe without the parents realizing it it's i think it is being a good athlete or being very successful and i think it also so many athletes struggle with their worth being wrapped up in how they do in the sport and i know a lot of athletes struggle with that and even for the olympics this summer so many athletes if they do really well they might not know who they are outside of their sport because that's what they've been doing their entire life and then if they don't do well i think it's really hard if you don't have the support or the sort of like mental preparation if you don't do well i think it's really hard if you don't have the support um to know that you're more than just your result and like everyone is human it's really i think hard to accept that so i always feel for athletes when i'm watching like i get nervous even when i don't know people or even when i see a gymnast from another country like of course i want everyone to do well and obviously again rooting for the u.s team but even if i see a gymnast from another country like not do well i just feel so sad for them because it you put so much into it and i think so many athletes their worth is wrapped up in their result it is very intense and i'm curious though because you saying you love to stay at the gym and you loved all these people like you decided to go to public school for high school and i feel like really intense athletes specifically in gymnastics they usually get homeschooled how did you make that decision thankfully my coaches and my parents were really wanting me to stay in public school and i'm actually really glad that they did i mean everyone's on their own path and into your point a lot of people were trying to find ways to stay in public school and so i feel like everyone has a different journey of what works for them but for me it was so important that i could go to school and have that balance and i can remember i would train six days a week um four to seven hours every other day except sunday i was off but then 2016 when i was done with high school i would sometimes go in on sunday on my day off so i was i'm still exhausted i'm still exhausted from it sometimes people when i tell them that they're like that's not bad i'm like yeah it is it was bad but it was really exhausting it was exhausting i'm like still recovering from that which we we can get to after but I can remember I would train in the morning and I would then like literally be like covered in chalk and like go right to school like I was so self-conscious because I'd like be like trying to like wash my body like really quickly go to school trying to look cute for boys I was so uncomfortable high school is also so hard I was so so insecure and then I would go to class and then I would quickly do my homework after school and then go back to the gym after it was just so I was so driven and so like none of my friends understood I think how serious I was about it like when I competed in 2012 at the Olympics um it was right after I graduated high school and I remember my high school friends were like you never told us you were like that good and I was like well I don't know what do you I'm like I don't know I didn't want to say anything but also like what did you guys think I was doing I'm like bad at this thing but I just get up every morning and go every afternoon and I just keep at it like oh my god Allie it was so hard for me to be like oh my god I was like oh my god I was like oh my god I was like oh it was so intense but it's funny one of my family members admitted to my mom he's like I have to admit I always thought that he said to my mom that you and my dad were crazy because he's like I would he was like I would just watch you like drive Allie to practice over and over again and I just thought it was so odd because I would you know miss a lot of days of school I was you know like traveling all over the place and he was like I didn't understand how good she was so he's like it took me a really long time and I he would he was like I kind of judged you and now he's like I just telling you I don't know what to do and I'm like I don't know what to do and I'm like I don't anymore but we okay hold on no one knew how good you were that's kind of interesting because why I still it's funny when people ask me about gymnastics in my career like in normal life like if people don't know who I am they're like were you good I'm like I was fine I don't know I just like it's just not something that I don't know like medals on medals and you're sitting here like I think I was okay I just I don't know what do you think that is I it's so funny I'm so I don't know I think part maybe some of it is that if it's someone doesn't know who I am then I'm kind of I'm like excited because I'm like oh they really like me for me there's something about it where like there's no it makes me feel so good if I'm out somewhere and like a guy is interested in me and they don't know who I am because it just makes me feel like oh they like me for me of course and so I think it's that and I feel more connected to them it's not to say if someone does know you you you know I don't know who I am I don't know who I am I don't know who you know you can kind of get the vibe when you know why someone's sort of talking to you but I think it maybe I feel very guarded but then also I think gymnastics I have such an interesting complicated relationship with it that I feel like sometimes I don't love talking about it in my personal time all the time but I'm doing a lot of therapy to work on that no I get it and I think being a woman like we just learn like it's not even about the sport it's just about how we are we just learn in life like never be too confident because it will come off as cocky and like don't talk about your accolades because now you're just like drawing attention to yourself and like that's just like what being a woman is like and it's like I'll brag for you um you're amazing um so you did you like flourish with like friends in high school though it sounds like you had like a lot of friends I had I had friends I do feel like because I was gone a lot I felt like I missed out a lot at the time because I can remember if I was away for a weekend at a competition I'd come back on Monday and then I'd hear everyone talking about the fun weekend and everything happening and so I feel like I I can remember feeling left out a lot just because I or FOMO maybe is the better word but I felt like I had everyone was very nice to me in high school and I had a good experience in high school my friends were very supportive I felt like um people were very nice to me and so but I just remember feeling kind of like I was missing out on stuff and it was hard coming back and hearing everyone talking about how fun stuff was and I I remember being very insecure like I just didn't think that any guy in high school thought I was cute which makes me so sad when I look back and so I just remember you know any little thing that was wrong I just felt like everyone was looking at it or everyone was noticing it but in gymnastics it's a subjective sport so I was taught from a young age that like every little thing is picked apart and it's actually really hard for me in life now to realize that people aren't looking at me like that like no one cares so it's a it was very interesting but in the moment I was so in the thick of always kind of being critiqued all the time that I thought other people thought of me that way can you talk a little bit more about that of like insecurities in high school and it's crazy to even talk about high school because it's like in gymnastics world like that is when most women are like really girls I literally say girls are to their prime in the sport but you're so young like what insecurities when you're talking about boys versus then what you're working towards on like in the gym like what were the insecurities for you personally yeah it's really interesting so I when I was younger I used to get made fun of all the time for how muscular my arms were and I remember when I was in fifth grade the boys would look like I was on steroids and they would call me roids and it made me so sad and this has a affected me so much that at 30 years old I have just started to be able to like wear like sleeveless or tank dresses and it makes me so sad that I wasted that much time but it's really incredible how I guess incredible in a bad way how when people make fun of you how it can really stay with you and then I remember in seventh grade so vividly I was wearing a tank top and some guy told me that I look disgusting and some of my arms were disgusting and so I literally actually this was a dress that totally showed my arms and I was saying to my mom I was like this is like such a big deal for me that I'm doing this because I would have been so self-conscious and worried and now I'm just trying it feels so freeing to just try not to worry as much but it's just so I think that like as I do more therapy it's amazing how much stuff sticks with us and I think that's also why I have anxiety or social anxiety because I'm like I hope I've never said something that would ever stick with someone I would feel like I'm going to be like I'm going to be like I'm going to be like I'm going to feel so bad and I know sometimes you know sometimes we we're all human we all say things sometimes we don't mean or we don't even realize someone interpreted in a different way but I think I'm like so afraid of making someone feel the way that other people made me feel that I'm almost like too hyper aware but so that was a really big one I think I was always self-conscious of like my body because in gymnastics they were so strict with my weight and even though we worked out so much I still had to watch what I ate a lot I also want to be careful with saying this because I know how many people struggle with body dysmorphia and eating disorders so I think it's so important no matter what sport you're in to fuel your body and eat a lot of food and I wish I could go back and tell myself to eat more and fuel my body but I just felt so much pressure to always be skinnier and skinnier and it was so unhealthy because I was already working out so much and it's crazy for me to look back at photos of myself where I was being told to eat more and I was being told to eat more and I was being told to lose more weight and I'm like I was didn't have an ounce of fat on me it's just I this is for any of people that are athletes um and I'm obviously not a medical expert so don't quote me on these exact numbers but I do believe that women are supposed to have a higher body fat percentage than men and I remember going into 2016 Olympics I was very very thin just from the pressure in the sport to be a certain weight and I was 22 years old so I was kind of like fighting with like becoming a woman and still looking like a little girl and I remember um the person who was taking my body fat um they had said that I remember when I did it so go back actually when I was 16 I had someone else do my body fat and they were saying that they'd never seen someone under 12 and they had said like women should be like 18 or 20 I don't know how accurate the 18 to 20 is so he was like so you're probably gonna be maybe around 12 and I remember I was at like 8% and at the time I was 16 and he was like really concerned about it he's like you're way too low that's and I was 16 and then when I was 22 about to leave for the Rio Olympics I remember my body fat was at um 5% and I remember the person who uh works with NFL players was like I he was like this is not okay like you can get seriously hurt and this is this is terrible he's like I've never seen he's like even the guys sometimes being this low he's like you're lower than some of the men on the team and I remember I was like I just need you to there's nothing I can do about it because like this is what the judges and the coaches like need for me I was like I just need you to be supportive and tell me it's going to be okay he's like I can't like he's like this is so dangerous for you and I actually feel like my body has never recovered from being that thin and like fighting against that so it's very it's very interesting because I can remember I would still eat and feel my body fat and I would still eat and feel my body fat and I would still eat and feel my body but at the same time there was this like trying to like I can there was so much pressure I can remember like this is so gross now I'm like I've become more of a germaphobe as I've gotten older but this is so gross but it just like desperate times call for desperate measures like I remember times like literally because there was so much pressure to be thin I had to be careful what I ate in front of you know people on on the staff and I remember like I would go into like the airport in the plane bathroom which is disgusting and like eat a power So, like, no one would see me me where that is just like so gross to me now but when you're so hungry it doesn't even seem gross but it was just so I remember like I would try to eat but there was so much pressure to be thin that it just was very very hard so I was very insecure about that in high school of course because I thought oh well the guys think that I'm big too so that's why they're not interested in me no and Allie like it it's it's not gross like it's so sad like that I like my heart breaks for you that you had to go into that bathroom and to like eat in secrecy because of the coaches and like the mentality and the rules and the strictness and like even thinking of like that doctor saying that to you of like wait you're five percent like do you think you were numb at that point like did you feel anything like what did you feel when someone said that to you and looked at you and said that to you I think at that point because the olympics were so soon I was just consumed with anxiety and stress all the time it's just so I just constantly had butterflies in my stomach and I was so nervous that I also think part of it in a way was probably I I don't I don't even remember I think I was just at the time I had actually had a really sore Achilles and I was really stressed about that that's obviously a terrible injury and if you know something happened I would be out so I was really stressed about that and I remember every morning waking up and like it was so stiff in the morning and I'd have to like brace myself to get out of bed like there's just so many things I feel like now that I'm done I'm so much more relaxed but I remember just being so stressed hoping that my body would keep it together but I think one of my biggest concerns with competing was I hope my muscles don't cramp up and I feel I'm so exhausted so that was what's so interesting to me is that I was so good at gymnastics and successful in the sport while I had like so little energy my muscles were cramping up I was so exhausted and so fatigued and I also would And in 2016, I remember a couple years maybe before the Olympics, I would start to get like extreme nausea. And I think because I was so thin for my size, I would like wake up in the morning and almost be like dry heaving because I was like gagging because I was so nauseous. And so it was really hard for me. And it's really hard when you're nauseous to eat. So I just remember feeling so sick all the time that I was so, I think I was numb and I was so dissociated because I just needed to get through it. And I was so nervous. I don't know. It was just such a weird thing. And I'm now like doing a lot of therapy and going through it. But it's hard because you're like reliving that and going through that. And it's a very, it's very interesting. I appreciate you sharing this too, because I think what's really difficult for athletes is you hearing you say all of this and knowing you are like one of the best and you've won medals and gold and all of it. And you've done what every gymnast dreams of doing. And then there is the dark side of it. And I think what we learn and I appreciate these type of conversations is like most people that get to the top of where they're at. There is also just like a lot of pain and suffering that goes into being the best at the time. And it doesn't mean that it's not a incredible sport and you are so talented. But the reality is like there were a lot of things that happened throughout your career that probably could, someone could have been like, hey, can we do this differently? Can we protect you in so many different aspects, you know? And my heart breaks for you. But I think that these type of conversations hopefully will. They will help future athletes. Not that it's on you and it sucks that it had to go this way for you. But I know there's so many amazing things that came from your career. But now you're 30 and you're like, damn, I'm having to fucking peel this shit back. And it is rough. And I can see it on your face. It's like this is heavy shit. And I'm so sorry that it's like the thing that you loved and that you're so fucking good at also caused you pain. And that is. Relatable and sad and fucked up. And it's tough. Like it's tough hearing you say it. And I appreciate you even saying it because I can imagine it's terrifying to even admit this because now is the headline just going to be like negatives about it. And I hope people don't see that. It's just like, no, this is just the reality. Yeah. This is the reality. And that's why I hope when we watch the Olympics this year, it's understanding that like having grace for these athletes when someone doesn't perform. At their best. It's not just because, oh, they had an off game or they had an off. Like they're listen to what you're saying. The body, the pressure, the half of it is just the mental. I know people forget like this is we are human beings. Like there's so much more that goes into this than just the minute that the person is standing at the top and about to do the beam or what. It's like. So stressful. It's so stressful. It is. I like it's funny because the Olympics are coming up. I like am having dreams that I'm competing and I wake up. I'm like. Oh, my gosh. I'm so glad I'm done. I mean, look, like you mentioned, there's so many beautiful things that have come out of my gymnastics career, but it's also it's such an interesting time right now. Obviously, as the Olympics comes up, I'm so excited and I can't wait. And I've been doing a lot of actually exposure therapy right now where for people who don't know, it's sort of like exposing yourself to the trauma or whatever it is that has caused you stress or pain. So that could be if you had someone that hurt you and they were like. A specific perfume or a cologne, like maybe you like smell the cologne or their perfume every day to like remake better memories with that, or it could be, you know, writing down a memory or talking about a memory or watching something. So I've been doing that a lot and that's been really helpful, but it's kind of like sometimes it can make things worse before it gets better or I'm like, oh, my God, I have so much to work through. It's so overwhelming. There's just so much there. And then there's stuff I forgot about that now. I'm like, I was going to say, like, I think a lot of women write in about therapy and everyone has like a different journey with like what type of therapy will work for them. And I think the exposure therapy is like has been known recently to be very effective. But I was going to ask you, like, in doing that type of therapy, do you have to be strategic? Like, if you know you're going on a long trip coming up, like if you're going to Paris, like, are you doing sessions while you're in Paris? Are you doing it? Before, are you too anxious around this type of like we're talking about gymnastics right now and that's the crux of the trauma? Like, you know what I mean? Like such a good question. Yeah, it's so we actually have stopped doing the exposure homework. So what we what I do is I do therapy every week and then I would try to do exposure a little bit every single day. But because of I had mentioned before, like my body's never recovered. I've struggled with some health stuff, which we can get into after from just like. Yeah. The over exhaustion of what I put my body through. So depending on the day, however, because there are so many actually like exposures of, you know, whether it's doing interviews or even going to Olympic trials was actually such a wonderful experience. And I'm so glad I went. But I was so nervous and just like being back in that environment, like certain smells or even like there's like a bell that rings before you compete. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, I haven't heard this in so long, like all these little things. So I'm stopped the actual exposure homework. But I feel like I'm being exposed in throughout a lot of different things right now. So we're doing baby steps and just working on like ways to cope with some of that stuff. But it's been it's really interesting. And I'm glad like my therapist has really worked with me. Like, for example, there was a person's name that someone who had abused me that their name was so triggering for me. And so like any time I'd be with someone and they'd mention their name. Not about the person, but maybe like their friend or someone they're golfing with. I was just like, I'd feel this like feeling. And so I would read a children's book with his name that was just like or I'd read a book about an athlete that had the same name. So it's like getting used to that name in a more positive way. And so I feel like my therapist has done such a good job of meeting me where I'm at, because in the past, maybe another therapist is like, just tell me all about your trauma. I'm like, I just let's just start with the children's book. Like, I'll watch a little kid show something. And I'm like, I'm going to like baby steps into it. And I've learned there's no right or wrong way. And I think like I have so many people come up to me all the time and share their stories of like being a survivor of abuse or their mental health struggles. And I always will say to them, like, if you're having a tough day, it's OK to watch your favorite show on Netflix or whatever it is. Like, it's OK to just like give yourself a break, because when you are people don't realize when you've experienced trauma, you have. PTSD, you're going through it. Even if you're on the most beautiful island in the entire world, you are not there mentally sometimes. And you're just like reliving your trauma over and over again. And so I always try to validate people's experiences because I think so many people don't understand trauma and like the mental side of it and how hard it is to be present when you're going through a hard time. Like, even if someone's hard time happened 10 years ago, you still could be living it every single day. You still could be super. Paranoid, you know, PTSD is like not one size fits all. It affects you in so many different ways. You could be totally fine. And then there could be like, you know, someone's body lotion. reminds you of a smell and it brings you right back and so I think that we all just have to talk about it more so we're all more aware of like how much people are struggling and dealing with and give people grace because sometimes you just need to it's okay to just be home and take time for yourself so I'm glad my therapist has kind of given me permission to um to just like take it really baby steps and she's really good about like taking a break and now finding like good coping ways if I feel stressed or something no and I love you sharing that too thank you because like I love how you said like I've had certain therapists that tell me one thing and it's like it's okay if you do not vibe with a therapist it's like dating get out and it's not right because it's like it doesn't even mean that person's a bad therapist of course they're a bad therapist but it really is a match of like there are people there are certain even techniques like you can't have a therapist asking like you said a certain like way and maybe that works for someone else you just have to like you have to like you have to like you have to like you have to like it's not linear with PTSD and you have to just figure out what works for you and being like easy on yourself but I also just want to say like thank you for even just like talking whatever you feel comfortable because I can imagine it's fucking exhausting though just hearing you speak Ali like you're you're so wise but it's like you are 30 years old like you're so young and I can imagine it's like a lot of fucking pressure when people want you to speak up and like be an advocate and be the face of it and it's like you still have you still have your shit that you have to work through like I I hope that you know that like it's not on you to like always help other people and like you focus on yourself in moments where you I can imagine so many young girls coming up to you is amazing but it's also like you can't help them if you're not good thank you I I feel I do feel a lot of pressure and I care a lot and I've even had male CEOs pull me aside and say I was abused as a child and thank you for saying something so I I've had a lot of men come up to me and share that and I think that what's so hard about our world is that there are so many young boys and men who are survivors of sexual abuse and they don't feel comfortable saying anything because our society doesn't like there's so much pressure on men to be so tough and be manly and the statistics are so alarming but there's also so many I think it's actually so much more than that there's so many people who are really suffering in silence and I have some people sometimes who I'll be in the grocery store and they're like my abuse happened 50 years ago you're the only person I've ever told and so I can't even tell you how much I've had to work on in therapy of like not overthinking what I say and worrying because I know from personal experience when we share what we've been through with someone and it's the only person the first person like that is so correlated to how they're going to heal is being validated and I think that's a really important thing and I think that's a really important thing and I think that's a really important thing and I think that's a really important thing to them so I feel I felt so much pressure and now I have found that when I'm honest and just real with them and just supportive that people are always like so understanding and I think people have been through hard times always like give people the benefit of the doubt and are there for each other but it is it's really it has affected me so much and it's interesting I've never I've never actually shared this publicly at all because it's been something that I deal with I'd say most days and I think that I've thought about this a lot where I think that if I didn't train so intensely my whole entire life and I didn't experience trauma in my you know teenage years and younger years I have actually been hospitalized several times for just like my body has I read something on Instagram that I think really encapsulates it it says if you don't pick a day to rest your body will pick it for you and it was it's happened I don't know if it's twice where it's been like this intense but I feel like I have different minor issues as well depending on what I'm going through at the time but where like I have literally stroke like symptoms I can't remember my name I'm like slurring my words I can barely speak both times I was tested for a stroke because like I literally couldn't move my body it was so scary and the first time the doctors had like absolutely no idea what it was and it's so scary because also my abuse happened with the doctor so being in the first time it happened was during COVID and so they wouldn't let my mom in the ambulance with me so I was also it's really interesting because I'm I can't I can understand what someone is saying to me and asking me like I know they're asking me what my name is but I can't remember my name or say what my name is and I was aware enough to know like oh my god I have two men that I can't move my arms and my and so that at the time this was years ago during COVID so I was like really still struggling a lot with PTSD where people don't realize how much it still lives with you when you've been through something traumatic so that was really hard hard for me and then it happened again a little bit over a year ago where it was like I it actually was in the hospital for three days and like they obviously don't keep you in the ER for three days for for nothing but it was really scary and I they wouldn't release me because I couldn't like sit up on my own it took me so long I needed help like walking going to the bathroom like it was just the most to be able to to go from being like an athlete and being able to push myself so much to being able to literally not even be able to like move my fingers move my legs I had like complete like body paralysis um and not even to know like what my name is it was so scary and it's something where like on a day like daily basis like I have to manage making sure that I'm not like because stress exacerbates it like what I have is a real medical thing but stress makes everything worse so I have to like be very on top of my therapy but then also my therapist has to work with me of like if I'm starting to feel off like I just don't do the exposure stuff so it's very it's very hard and very interesting because I'm also like to your point I'm very young so to have something like that happen was very hard for me and I'm also like I'm very young so I'm also like I'm very very um hard and then also when I went both times actually the second time they didn't know who I was when I first got to the hospital which is totally fine that shouldn't matter and the only reason why I share that is because my mom had said that they kept coming in and asking me to like lift my legs and I couldn't they kept saying what's your name and I was kind of just like it almost like even like lifting my finger would like take so much energy that I couldn't even like I just was so out of it and and they kept kind of like rolling their eyes and not really paying much attention to me and then finally um my mom was like I really hate to do this but you guys are like ignoring her I think you think she's like I don't know what's going on but you should treat everyone the same way but she's like I just want to tell you because you're not believing her but just to give you a perspective of how like abnormal this is and how freaked out I am she she was like do you know who Allie Raisman is and they were like yeah we know who she is and my mom was like well that's her and then they were like oh my god I don't know who she is and I was like oh my god I don't know who she is oh my god and then from there they like took such great care of me and were there for me and I'm like it's I want to share that because it's appalling like it doesn't matter who you are everyone deserves to get excellent medical treatment and I don't know why they were like rolling their eyes at me or thought I was faking but it wasn't until they realized that I was a very high level athlete that they were very nice to me and taking care of me which is just like that's also triggering for me because I already have trust issues with doctors so it was just really it's just it's been a very complicated um thing and then I also have anxiety like what if I don't feel well again because there's the fear of like when I'm in Paris this summer I'm going to be so busy there's going to be a lot of triggers I might see someone that maybe didn't protect me in the past and so I always am just like so it's working on that it's very complicated so I know that was a lot but I first of all I want to just like pause and be like I'm so sorry again because yes you like through it all I'm like wait Allie Allie Allie wait I want to like hug you I'm like I'm so sorry hearing the effects of what happened to you in the past still live with you I think is so important to highlight because it's infuriating when people and there are ignorant people out there that believe that like well it happened so long ago what why aren't like and you said you went to this is with you for the rest of your life yeah and not that it is going to define you or not that you can't like live a happy life but like this happened to you and it was so traumatizing that this is like this is going to impact you this is going to impact like you like I want to talk to you about your future relationships and all of that we're going to get to but like I just think it's important to have these conversations though because it's like educating people on the concept of like this lives forever and this isn't something that goes away and those photogenic photos that the entire world remembers of all of you standing there together and speaking up on this that was like day one of the beginning of the rest of your life of like trying to heal from this and so like you talking about these effects I I think it's really important and it is like it's it's I think important we're having this conversation around the Olympics of like there are so many newscasters and broadcasters and people that stand and it's almost like the athletes are like horses it's like go like every Everyone go like win and it's so fun to watch. But we have to stop like neglecting to acknowledge that like these are also the realities. And it doesn't take away from the beauty of sports, but it's the reality of a lot of the things that are happening behind sports. And it's on all of us to listen and to now like whenever someone sees anything happening again, like someone better stand the fuck up. And I hope that this is like, again, it's not your job to educate these people, but I hope this can change the culture slightly. And I believe it will. I believe the two of us sitting here and continued conversations like I believe this will empower people to speak up. But it's it's fucking hell. And it's a lot. It's a lot to go through as you're sitting here. I'm just like, I'm so sorry. There's no right thing to say other than like, I hope people can listen to you and hear you and know at home if they have endured anything similar. We see you and it and anyone that's trying to say, well, it happens. So long ago, it happened when you were five. Oh, well, then it's definitely with you for like this is ingrained in you and you can get through it. But don't feel like you have to get over it. Yeah. Yeah. I think also both can be true. Like I love gymnastics and I have so many wonderful memories with my teammates and I'm still so close with them. And there's been I'm so proud of my gymnastics career and I'm so excited to watch the Olympics. But then also it could also be true that there was also a lot of moments. that are really hard for me and I still struggle with it to this day. And I also think to your point of, you know, whether someone, I think a lot of times people will naturally, I think when people have been through hard times, we'll be like, well, mine wasn't as bad. We kind of justify why it's not as bad. So I also want anyone who's listening to know, like, don't compare your experience to mine, whether your abuse happened one time or hundreds of times or thousands of times. Every experience is real and valid and it all affects us in different ways. And you didn't do anything wrong and it's not your fault. And just know that if you're struggling and to your point, if it was 10 years ago, yesterday, 50 years ago, it's okay to still feel however you're feeling. I think that there's not enough people telling people that have been through hard times that we all are on our own path. And, you know, also I think sometimes people might not be ready to do exposure therapy and that's fine. It took me a really long time to do exposure therapy. It took me a long time to be like, I'm ready to take this on because it's really hard to open stuff up. And I think if you want to, it's important to find a therapist who will like really do baby steps with you. And also I'm here to validate. I also, I get so annoyed when people ask me why I'm tired. I just like can't stand it because I also think like, why do people need an excuse to be tired? You have no idea what someone's going through. You could have like the most, you know, incredible job and other people's, but if you're having anxiety, if you're stressed, we have no idea what people are dealing with at home or in their personal life. And I just think stress can be so exhausting. Like I have seen the way that my stress and trauma has affected my health so much to the point where it has made me so careful. Like when someone's like, I'm tired, I'm like, that's cool. Like just go rest and take care of yourself. But I think people can be really judgmental. We're judgmental with ourselves and we're tired, but we're also judgmental when with other people, I think. And it drives me nuts. Like when someone's like, well, why are you tired? I'm like, I don't have to explain myself to you. Like you have no idea what I'm dealing with. And also like this would probably shock people too, but I barely have worked out in eight years because my body is just like so tired. And it's interesting, like I don't recover because of the similar with the hospital stuff. Like my body doesn't recover the way that it used to. So if I were to run even for like a couple of minutes, like it might, it might not be as good as it used to be. But I think it's just like, it might actually take me like several days to recover or I'll get like a migraine or I'll get super nauseous. So like, I just have to be very careful and get very creative with how I take care of myself. But I think that, you know, for people who are obsessed with working out, like they might be like, well, why don't you work out? Like in my favorite is like when I'm, it's funny when you talk about dating, like when I've dated guys, a lot of them are like, but if you work out, you'll feel better. I'm like, no, I have like a full on like medical diagnosis and like, I'm like confident that it's not going to get worse because I'm aware of it and everything. But I'm like, I just, because you might feel better working out like right now for me, it literally makes me like almost like vomit and I get a migraine. So I just have to do like, I might have a good day, but sometimes when you have a good day as an athlete, I like push myself too much and then I'm exhausted. But people, it's been hard with dating to get a guy to be very empathetic and like know how to like be there for me if I don't feel well. Like people, people don't always know how to like, handle it well. And my mom is so good at it. Like in the times where I've gone to the hospital, my mom, instead of being like, you're fine. Cause that's also the worst. You're like, I'm not fine. I'm not okay. Yeah. So when, um, my mom will always just say they're going to help you. Like, it's okay. I'm here for you. They're going to help you. And that is just like everything I need to hear because it's like, she's validating, like, this is crazy and we're going to figure this out. We're going to help you. But she's also like there for me and encouraging me. But other people just like, don't know what to say. They're just like, just breathe. You'll be fine. I'm like, no, I literally, I literally am laying on the floor. I can't move my body. I think sometimes like note to anyone that finds themselves doing that, which I understand maybe you're trying to help, but it's like sometimes not saying anything, but being like, I'm here for you is all you need to do. Like stop trying to solve the problem. Why are you tired? Cause I'm depressed cause I'm anxious. Like whatever it is, just saying like, I'm here for you. Let me know if you need anything. Like, and shut up. Yes. Just shut up. Like, sometimes people it's like read the room, like just stop, um, your dating life. And, and let's, I want to talk about this because it is all intertwined. And I think there's so many young women that listen to this podcast that like, it's, it's hard because when people write in and ask me questions, I wish all the time I could sit there and answer all of them being like, well, I need backstory. Like what was your upbringing? Like it all is affecting when you're trying to date in the men that you're picking or the women you're picking or whoever you're picking. So obviously you're in this moment of your life right now. We're kind of trying to like process separating and correct me if I'm wrong, but like kind of process separating your identity from gymnastics and then separating that of like Allie and like the adult woman you are today. And like, you're trying to separate that. And in dating, that's like a third head that's popped up. That's like another beast that you have to take on in this article that you wrote. It was so brilliant and beautiful. When I read it, I was like, I wanted you to read the whole thing today, but I'm not going to make you do that. But I printed out that has a couple lines from your article that I want you to just read because I thought it was so profound and accurate. And when you, when I was reading it, I'm like, yes, yes, yes, yes. So if you don't mind just reading this for the day. Okay. Yes. This is actually my favorite part. Me too. This is like one of the first things that I had written. Okay. I've lost count of how many times people have told me you're too picky. You're difficult. Your standards are too high. Give them another chance. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too picky. You're too You're probably intimidating him. Maybe you should make yourself smaller. Your biological clock is ticking. Don't you want to have kids? You should put yourself out there more. How are you still single? Rarely am I asked, how are you? How do you feel with your partner? Do you like the person you are when you're with them? You're single. That's great. It's so important to take time to figure out who you are. Preach bitch. Like what the hell? When I read that, it felt like it, it was like truly emblematic of every young woman's experience with society of like, we give him another chance. Like, why don't you? And it's like, cause I don't like him. Cause he makes me feel like shit. Cause it's toxic. Like there's just so many things that women go through in their twenties and thirties when they're trying to find a partner. And so I want to talk to you. First of all, like, why did you decide to write this article? And I'll link it in the description daddy gang. So you guys can all read it. Cause it's amazing. But why did you decide to write that? I feel like I'm always trying to think about ways of how I can talk about things that are important to me, but it's also really important to me to be relatable and I want to be relatable. And I know that so many people are going through so much different stuff. And I know for myself that I do feel the pressure I've even, I love my parents, but I've literally had to tell them like, you can't, I like, yeah, like every time they would be like, well, we really want to have grandkids. I'm like, I would love to be a mom one day, but like, you can't control when you're going to find the right person. And I'm like, I love you guys so much. And I would love to give you grandkids, but let's just take a beat. And so they like, I told them one time and now they, now it's like totally fine, but they they're so well-intentioned. They're just excited. But I also will tell my mom and dad stories. Like when I don't have great experiences with dating and because I want them to understand, it's not easy to find that right connection. And I think it's very, it's a very different time than when they were dating when they were younger. And I just know that there's a lot of people who feel the pressure to find someone. And I think that especially in this Instagram, social media world, there's so much pressure for like this perfect relationship. And we want to post the most perfect version of ourselves. And, you know, no matter who you are, Nobody's life is perfect. No one's relationship is perfect, but I also think it's kind of interesting to me it almost feels like there's this like pressure that in our late 20s we're like supposed to find the right person and I feel like the odds of us all finding that right person is just not realistic and I wanted to sort of be a part of the narrative of trying to change that because it is so much pressure and I feel like even I was just for um July 4th weekend I was with friends and just like the amount of people that were like are you dating anyone and I'm just like, I don't I now no matter what, I'm like, Oh, no, I'm not. I just don't. I also kind of feel more guarded and protective because I've shared so much publicly that I'm very protective over people that I date in my relationships, just because it should be sacred and special. And I think that it is it's it's really hard to find that good fit. And I also feel like, you know, I've gone through so much that I didn't really have the confidence to know who I was. And I feel like now I'm like, just feeling more confident. And it's really interesting, because I feel like now I'm finally at the point where I feel like when I was younger dating in my early 20s, it was so hard in the early 20s, because I was so afraid to like, even tell them like, wait, this makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to do this. And now it's so interesting. The more I communicate, whether it's like from the first date or the first text, they're so like, they're more into me because of it. It's really interesting. And I feel really grateful for that. Because it makes me feel I feel like very quickly, I realized who actually is really supportive and understanding. And it makes me when I do communicate what would make me more comfortable, and they're like, totally fine with it. In fact, go out of their way to do that. It just makes me feel so much safer with them. So it's it's I'm going into dating very differently now where I'm not as afraid to be like, I really would like this, this would make me feel good where I was so afraid. I think I was afraid they would leave then you know, and it's actually like, amazing. Thanks for letting me know. I think that's so relatable. And thank you for sharing. That because boundary setting with like a romantic partner. And when I say romantic partner, it could be your first date, like, you're trying to come off like, you know, fun time girl and like you want to not bring like, your baggage and be like, when do we have this conversation? And there's so many things that everyone wonders, like I was having a conversation with my sister recently, we were having fun girl talk. And like, she was asking me a question. And I was like, this is such a good question. Like, she's dating. And she was like, is it weird if I bring this up like I don't think so but you know what if you do and he acts weird leave the date like there's so many things that you second guess yourself for when you are dating and I think it's so understandable because there are so many pieces of shit out there that can make you feel small and that can make you feel insane for bringing something up and to have you now realize like oh my god I said what I've always wanted to say and like I was just met with like amazing like thanks for letting me know you're like wait but you probably couldn't have done that back then not because you weren't actually capable of saying those words it's a confidence thing and it's like a learned habit that you just have to like exercise the muscle more to become because it's actually not about them it's all about you it's about you being able to sit there and to advocate for yourself and be able to even express that because maybe in your early early 20s you didn't even know you needed that yeah you knew it was uncomfortable but you didn't know why or like what to say or what if you didn't want that what did you do to make it work for you and you didn't know what to do to make it work for you and you didn't know what to do to make it work for you and you didn't know what to do to make it work for you and you didn't know what to do to make it work for you and you didn't know what to do to make it work now you're like yeah she's figuring it out I'm interested like have you ever kind of like continued seeing someone because you just felt like you were behind and you were like fuck it like I'll just keep kind of like I'll go on another date because I'm single and like whatever before you kind of like got to this new yeah it's a good I feel like yes I have but it's okay someone told me recently and it really helped me there because I was saying I was like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm like cringing that I dated this person for so long and they're like if you're not looking back and cringing you're not growing and I was like that is what I needed to hear that made me feel better pause on that for all the daddy gang if you are so embarrassed by an ex of yours me included let's all pause and you're so right it just means growth oh it's growth thank god we're all cringing being like but I'm just sometimes like horrified at the stuff that I would put up with you know and I'm an example like obviously we're not talking specific people but I feel like it's interesting I something that I've struggled with with dating is that in the beginning the guys are like really great they're happy they're chill and and also do what we were talking about before I would want I want a guy to communicate to me what they want too and I also have had a therapist one time told me this and I've never forgotten it because I used to like wait and then I'd like we talk about it and be like this whole thing we're like it's funny I feel like if you bring something up when it's like just the littlest bit like on your mind versus like you have like a 30 second conversation about it and the other person's like great like you're on the way to dinner you're like hey by the way this would like really mean a lot to me if we did this instead or didn't do this and they're like cool and whereas if you wait till it happens like 50 times then you have a three-hour conversation about it so I try to like also just bring it up really fast and then it's quick and it's done and then they like forget about it it's not a big deal and I would want the same such a good point for them but I've struggled with I think I don't know if it's because some of the guys I've had a relationship with have had a relationship with dated maybe weren't like okay with my success or my life but I feel like they've gotten very resentful and very moody I don't know if like moody is the right word but have you ever dated a guy that's very moody because it is just not fun oh it is miserable it is and you're tiptoeing around them everything's ruined you are on eggshells and it almost it's you know what it is I feel like that's so interesting I've had that where because of their insecurity about your success through the moodiness and through the like the lashing out moments it it's a way it's like a power tactic where it becomes all about them everything is on their terms and you're kind of like we are we still going to dinner or are you pissed and we're just now going to sit here in silence like what are we doing and like everything is on their terms but it's all like a manipulation tactic at the end of the day and like it may not be so manipulative in what they're doing it's the insecurity that breeds this like how can I gain control because I feel so out of control because she's the one in a position of power in their mind meanwhile you're literally like in in my success that has nothing to do with you like I'm here in this relationship why are we acting like moodiness oh it is like I would say that's something that immediately like within like immediately I bring that up to any new guy I'm dating I'm like this is a total deal breaker for me I can't like a guy is allowed to be upset or in a bad mood but when you take it out on me and you're mean to me and you like ruin something that we're doing together that's not okay but everyone is allowed to everyone has good days bad days like if someone's in a bad mood and they're like I'm in a really bad mood but like I need like I'm gonna go to the gym or I need some space or like can we talk about it totally fine but when yes I'm sure you've had like when you do something together and you're like I we just went to this concert I would have gone with my friend right I'd rather you have not gone or like why are we going to dinner together if you're just like miserable like I would have rather you told me and we wouldn't have done that so I just that is something I look back and cringe on I'm like I think because I'm a people pleaser and I tried I really wanted to help them I didn't realize there's like a difference between being supportive to your partner and then having them treat you not well so I am learning that but that is something like I immediately bring up to a guy I'm like I am like that is a deal breaker for me and I'm not going to be treated like that that's interesting when you look back at that like moodiness is like one thing and I feel like now that you're talking about it more it's a little bit more than moodiness yeah I think so yeah I'm like wait a second yeah it was it was it's I don't think I realized this is the people pleaser and you being like he's just moody I'm like hold on no I think it's yeah it's yeah you're right yeah you are right add that to the list of uh therapy right you're like yeah write that down yeah hold on yeah that's the thing that I'm like that is a full-on deal breaker right like not treating you right but it's interesting because I don't want to like you know give into well it's interesting like when you think about stereotypes I feel like women are stereotypically told that we're very moody and like we're like on our periods and everything and this is just in my experience so I'm not trying to generalize but like the women in my life are not in bad moods and I I honestly I honestly like or if they're in a bad mood they'll like communicate with me right but I really there are a lot of men in my life that are do not and I think it's because our society doesn't let men be men I'll give them the for a moment but like I feel like a lot of men in my life and not even just in relationships and different areas will take out their bad mood on me and I'm also like sometimes too nice where I'm working on I I need to be better at being like it's just it's very hard for me but it's really interesting because I'm like why is there such a like stigma that women are always moody but I think because we're more open about therapy we could call each other and be like I'm having the worst day we talk it out and we're good but I don't think men have that same outlet okay I think you're on to something and you're so right I think it's this I think women are more emotional in the best way because we actually express our emotions and we actually are trying to like constantly work through things and the way that we get through it is most of the time communicating like if I'm upset I'm going to say something we all know that we cannot hold back like are you good at saying something if you're upset oh yeah I've gotten better but even when I was bad at it and I hadn't been in therapy like it's gonna come out one way or another it's just a matter of if it's coming out immediately or am I gonna go sit in the room for an hour and then I'm gonna walk out and tell him I'm upset like it's coming out with men men are moody women are emotional and I would way rather be emotional because at least I'm in tune with my emotions the moodiness is this big twister of a storm of all these things and it's like poke the bear and they're so moody and it's like why are you moody they can't tell you because they don't know how to half the time express their emotions bye I just wish men knew like I find it so attractive when a guy is vulnerable and open like if a guy so it's so I think it's so hard to find a man who's secure enough in himself to be like can you just sit down with me for a minute I'm like having a really tough day or I'm struggling on this like I would feel so into that and so attracted to that that I wish more men knew that that is so attractive and I I feel I have empathy for them that they feel like they can't they have to be so tough all the time because it's so there's literally nothing better when you're like on a date and you're just like vibing and and you're just like so present yeah connecting about stuff and it's just it's really nice to have that connection where you both don't feel judged you both can go to each other and I think that that is hard to find and that's like I think relationships it should be they should be hard to find because I think that's what makes like finding the right person um you know more special um in your 20s what partners were you pursuing like describe oh um I used to I used to really go for the athletes the professional athletes oh and um it's really hard to find a really good one um there have been a few very sweet ones and I'm grateful for that but yeah it's um it was it's hard it's hard to find a good one I just think that give me some qualities yeah I definitely wasn't treated um the way I think that girls deserve to be treated I think um yeah I think that was definitely my type but I also will say what's interesting is like for years people were like you gotta stop dating the athletes and I was like all right I'll date like I'll go on a date with anyone and I've been like so open I literally would like if someone set me up with someone like I don't need to see a picture like I'll just go on a date and I go on these dates and I'm like okay maybe I should be like it's like finding that I was trying to like find the right balance of like trying to be more open because I also think it's like crazy when we meet someone you feel a vibe and like you know you think about like maybe if someone showed you a photo of them you wouldn't have maybe said yeah so I try to be like very open-minded but like even dating guys who are not professional athletes and like not in the public eye like some of them are not great either so it just really just depends I think that there's always like good guys and same thing with I'm sure guys will say the same thing there are some girls who they are women they've dated that are wonderful and others like we all have had probably good and bad experiences but um I think that what I've also learned I'm curious what you think about this is like I used to take it so personally when I was younger like if I dated an athlete they were probably texting 30 people at the same time like if they're not looking for someone to date they're probably texting 30 people at the same time like if they're something there's just most of the time there's no chance like they're not interested and it's not I wish I knew like dating wasn't personal because I used to take it very personal when I was younger and now I'm realizing like at least for me I feel like guys show pretty quickly like what they're looking for and what they're interested in like I'd have a guy like years ago who like you know would like text me like once every you know two weeks or like barely take my dinner I'm like oh my god do you think he's just busy it's like no he's just not interested he's definitely not busy yeah he could be busy but he's also not interested yeah like I think now I do a better job of not overthinking and just being like they're either like I love I saw something on Instagram that's like when a guy is into you you know if you're confused it's just not it and I really tell myself that too like it doesn't mean especially in the beginning like every person has like a different cadence of how like even if you know sometimes I think people get so caught up in like oh if you're texting every day you're doing this like is are they taking you out to dinner are they showing interest are they like you I think that our gut is usually right and we should listen to that more because I think that that is something I wish I listened to more is like understanding that if a guy is like looking then they're looking but if they're not it's like it's kind of hard to I think in my experience like change their mind I completely agree with you and I think though what I have started to realize I would say in the past couple years is like I used to look at it a lot like oh I wish I would have done differently and I actually the only thing I would change about everything you're saying is like I think that guys definitely do show you immediately like what they're kind of down to give you and I think a lot of the times when we are not completely like full within ourselves and healthy and good and like know exactly what we want we ignore that and we just choose to like kind of see what we want out of them and I think that's normal and that's natural because that just means you're not ready for that end game relationship yet you still have work to do because if you are going for someone that is treating you like that it's because you're working something out on your end of like you needed to get this certain validation and you like this one part of them and you're completely ignoring the part where they're like treating you like shit and then eventually it ends because you wake up to being like I feel like shit why is this happening and then you go to the next relationship and then maybe if you go for something a little different it's because you're looking for something that's not right and you're like something different to fill the void of xyz all of a sudden these string of moments of dating all these different people builds you into this healthy person because you start to just create your palate of like taste of like I like this I definitely would never go for that because we all know it you go on the date and all of a sudden you're like I remember my ex did that I'm nope I'm not interested and you're out but you needed to learn it in the first place to even recognize it that's how I felt like when I met my ex and I was like I'm not interested in that and I'm like I'm not interested in that and I'm like I'm not interested in that and I'm like I'm not interested in that Matt I there were so many green flags and I I always say had I met Matt when I was like 22 I would have probably not dated Matt because I wasn't ready for Matt so like I think in a way when you're dating there's there's almost like a hopeful element I can give to all the girls listening if like and you of like this is really exciting because you are like building this like repertoire of like memory and understanding and you're like I'm not interested in that and you're just understanding what you like what you don't like and you're putting up with things as shitty as it feels in the moment that you'll never put up with again unless you don't grow and half of the battle is on you when people are like God what this happened to me again did it happen to you or did you put yourself in that position again I know I once had a actually a male therapist say to me one time he was like I was just talking to him about dating and he was like why do you think you're attracting these people who are treating you that way I was like okay um you have a point I was like but maybe you can say you could say it a little bit nicer but he was like why do you what do you think is like wrong with you that you're attracting people like that and I was like that is something that like I'm the common denominator so like I have to and also that is separate from like if someone's in an abusive relationship very different like very very different um but for me like I just had to take a hard look at being like I also go through phases where like I'll go on dates and I'll go on dates and I'll go on dates and I'll go on dates and then I'm like I need a break and I need to take dating fatigue yeah I need to take some time for myself and it's really interesting because like the times where I'm the most happy being single and on my own I like really try to think about I'm only gonna date someone or let someone in my life if they just like enhance or add to my life and I think that really helps when I have that foundation of knowing what I want and what I'm looking for but it is it's it's um I definitely like the idea of being with someone when it's not right is just so lonely to me and I just don't want that it's so lonely and I I need to find this article I read it so many years ago that my mom sent me now looking back I'm like I think she sent this to me when I was in my previous relationship that I was miserable and thanks mom and it's a little like diagram that this person wrote and it's an article about how like someone that is single is one step away from a healthy relationship someone that is married in or in a relationship is three steps away from a healthy happy relationship because they have to remove themselves from that relationship then they have to get good on their own again and then they can start to seek health and happiness with another person but it's like that's so exciting and you have to be I be so intentional about who you let into your space but I agree it's like you have to get so good with yourself because that's when you really start to attract good energy when you get out of a relationship and you fling yourself to the next that's when you're just kind of like off balance just trying to find anything that will like make you feel happy but for a quick moment it's not like you're actually stable enough to be like hold on what did I learn from that relationship let me be alone for a minute now let me go find something better it's really tough though it can get exhausting it is exhausting I'm curious what you think about this because I feel like a lot of people are have different opinions on like when I go on a first date like if I am not excited to see them again like if I'm even on the fence I'm not going on a second date I'm curious what your perspective is on that I just think it should be like easy and comfortable okay I have thoughts okay I was just having this conversation with a friend because she is dating right now and she was like I I like didn't go on a second date with him and I was like why and she was like um I don't know like the sparks weren't there and I was like did they kiss no sometimes you don't know until you right I agree I agree sometimes it's like I will say that like sometimes there's almost this like awkwardness yeah and then when you can't get out of the way yes yeah I kind of like I'm so down for a first kiss on a date like I actually condone it well you know what's kind of funny is sometimes like I feel like it's funny the guys who are like comfortable just like grabbing you and kissing on the first day I found sometimes they're just like so smooth know what they're doing and maybe they're a little bit more of a player yes I agree but like so it's and then sometimes the guys that are a little bit more timid not always but they're just like trying to be like really sweet and respectful and it just depends on like their experience like if you're dating a professional athlete like they they're in the back of your neck yeah yeah romance but that is like three weeks later you're like hello yeah yeah you're like wait you just ghosted me you just told me you wanted to date me and then you just ghosted me what just happened you were getting married yeah okay that it just depends it depends on who it is you have to like know the person yeah so I think it depends like I do yeah whenever I have a yeah okay okay my theory is this what my friend said to me was she was like well you said that like you and Matt had sparks immediately on the other side of the screen and I was like oh my god I'm like oh my god I'm on the first date and I'm like that is true however I have been in love before and I have been in love with people before that I didn't feel the like insane spark on the first date and so I think my my new rule to that I tell my friends is unless it was like so bad that you were like whether it was how they spoke about something that you're like I don't like the way they spoke about like their family or their mom or like whoa that was a red flag if it was like a good date like I don't know if the vibe is there but I can't tell like go on the second date because I feel like first dates unless you are a fucking pro and then yet again why are you a pro at first dates and it is like harder than a job interview in my opinion because a job interview you have your piece of paper and you're reading your exact qualifications and it doesn't actually matter that much on your personality this is like every fucking thing of the delicate dance of your looks your are you funny are you charismatic what's your personality do you vibe it all has to match perfectly in one hour at a dinner like give it a second shot I think once the second date doesn't go well never see them again but um if it was like a hmm I don't know I would say try it again and I would say try a different vibe than the first date so if you did a dinner now go do an activity if you did an activity now go sit down and have face-to-face dinner I would say do a second date and then if you're dreading going on a second date yeah don't but I think check in with yourself check in with yourself because I used to do that and it was like am I dreading going on the second date does it have anything to do with him or am I being lazy and am I being and when I say lazy I'm not actually being lazy am I being like I want this to be easy I wanted to feel it immediately I wanted the spark to be there and I wanted to be a done deal and I wanted to be like boom it's not easy because do the work in the beginning because then once you actually in a like that's also another set of just hell where you're like figuring out each other's trauma and boundaries and family shit like the first date I don't know I don't think I don't think we can count people out unless there's a glaring issue you're like okay let me know I feel like a lot of people say that but what do you think about if you're on a first date or a second date and you kiss and they kiss you don't feel that's that um I don't want to use the word spark because I feel like that's like unrealistic but you just connection yeah it's not there do you I don't I think if you like physical like sexual chemistry in the beginning I don't think you can like create it I completely agree and I think that is so disappointing when that happens too it is so sad because you are like the worst is when if you went on a first date you didn't kiss and you go on a second date and you are like kind of fantasizing about it you're like walking around your place you're like drinking your coffee in the morning like picturing like you're almost like creating like a movie in your head of like what it's gonna be and then it happens and you're literally like you're like oh god I'm never gonna see you again and that was not and then when they're into it and you're not that's what I was gonna say too I sometimes feel like do you think that like we are sometimes more picky about that than men yes because I think that they're you also then don't know their intention completely are they just hoping that they're gonna sleep with you while you're like oh I'm actually like looking for a partner so they're like hey that was amazing let's see you like I literally felt nothing below the belly button like we gotta go home I think that men are less picky because men are just like dogs and they're just like oh that was great meanwhile it's like no that wasn't great like what about that was great Daniel like that was bad like leave me alone so no I um I think you I think you're on the right track I also think everyone is different but I don't know ladies maybe this is like the year of second dates because then at least you're I think then you're training yourself to maybe then you can just start knowing in the first date but start pushing yourself to see if there is a shift ever on the second date and then maybe there is and then you're like holy shit maybe I need to stop counting people out because what I said to my friend was she was so cute she was like you know me I can be a little socially awkward in the moment and I was like but think about this how many times have you told me I wish people knew me like in settings with like all of us and our friends when I'm the most comfortable you wish that people would give you that so give that to the other person exactly wow okay right you have convinced me we're going on a second date get your phone out girl we're like I think it's listen there's there's no harm in it and what I can say is if you are super anxious about the first date or second date oh you could do it as like a drinks or something that you have somewhere to go afterwards so you always have an out and then if you're vibing be like let me cancel my fucking dinner like let's actually have dinner together let's go down the street but you can always give yourself an out like let's I have like an hour before like like a work thing I have to go to like want to meet for drinks like it doesn't have to be this fucking three-course sit-down dinner where you're literally like at the appetizers and he's eating his calamari and you're like oh my god I literally hate you I'm stuck here for two hours like this is a waste of my life like don't do that that is grab a drink worse when you're when they're just like you just know right away you're like you're gridlocked you're just like uh but also I will say sometimes you like go on a date with someone and you are like you are the nicest person you are going to be an amazing person and you are going to be an amazing person and you are going you are just not you're yeah you're amazing you're gonna make some person so happy I just not me no it's just not me but it doesn't that's what dating isn't personal I was like I've gone on so many dates where I'm like you're just like so wonderful I have nothing bad to say about you but it's just like and it's the same with men I've been in serious relationships with too I'm like you're so wonderful it just there's you know when you're yeah when was the last date you went on come on um it was a few weeks ago it was a few weeks ago but I'm not sharing anything else okay I'm not sharing anything else was it a first date yeah not sharing anything else I'll keep saying that yeah I'm not sharing anything else you're like Alex Alex I'm like did it go well mm-hmm yep but I'm not sharing anything else I just keep asking if you're answering yeah it did but that's all I'm saying did you meet on a dating app or nope nope okay okay okay okay we're moving on we're moving on um this is fabulous I know this is I'm like having the best time I'm like I could keep going um I I love though the the biggest point that I love about you writing that article too was about calling out like I'm 30 now and like everyone's like what are you like you are young and you are beautiful and you are successful and I think it's important especially for women I understand we have our biological clock don't rush into something just because of a biological clock like what like what and be miserable with a random person that you hate just because like we're 30 times up like no um what are you the most excited about like entering your 30s right now well I feel like I'm most excited because I I've been told for a long time that when you hit 30 you kind of care less and so I'm like slowly getting there but I think I'm just like I'm just like I'm just like I'm just like I'm just like I'm just like I'm just like I'm and just have more fun focus more on my personal life and and also I had a friend one time tell me it was at her bachelorette party actually and this was years ago and she just said you have so much to look forward to like you still have like that so for anyone who's single this actually really helped me it's like you still have that like first day your first kiss like you know going into that like talking stage and falling in love and like there's just still so much to look forward to and if you're in a relationship or you're married you still have so much to look forward to as well like there's so much different beautiful variations and chapters of life that I'm excited to keep growing and evolving and figuring out who I am because I also think it's important to give ourselves like space and permission to if you want to outgrow a friendship you want to try something new you want to whatever it is like do what you want to do and do what makes you happy so I'm starting to like care a little bit less but um I think that's beautiful can you tell I care too much no no too much you're like I don't care Alex I'm like I swear I don't but I do like I literally don't give a shit um I I actually think when you were saying that it just made me think of something that is kind of beautiful I when you when I was reading that article you wrote it was really interesting you know and you mentioned it earlier like talking about comparison right of Instagram and it's like every fucking week you open your phone and it's like someone got engaged or someone had a baby and And I look back at when I was single I talked about this recently. Like I have two different friend groups. One friend group is like all married and have babies. And I'm like the one last on the totem pole. And then my other friend group is like I'm ahead of the friend group in terms of like my relationship status or whatever the hell you want to call it. And I realize like we compare ourselves when we're single to the people in relationships that are getting married and all that stuff. We need to stop because what I can tell you all is this. Here's a secret. I am now married and now I'm comparing myself to the moms. And what I hear from the moms is then you compare yourself in your parenting style and where your kids are at. And then you compare what you're like, what is your life balance to your kids and your career? It's like the comparison literally never stops unless you stop it. And so, yes, it feels right now like this big point of like, whoa, I'm either married or I'm not. It's not just that. It's every fucking. Aspect of life is every fucking thing. Women are just we keep comparing ourselves. Am I doing it as good? And so I thought it would stop like, whoa, I'm I'm about to turn 30 this summer. I just got married and I'm like. It really doesn't matter that I got married like, oh, no, it does. Sorry, Matt. No, it does. It does. It does. I promise. But I bet I mean, in terms of that, like, of course, it was amazing and beautiful. But I also would have been so happy if it happened at 35. You know what I mean? Like or 40. Like the time. We need to be nicer to ourselves because the comparison game, the next step you get to, that's a whole new can of worms of comparing. So, like, don't worry. It is. It's so interesting because for women, as you mentioned before, like we have that biological clock and it's also like so unfair how inaccessible egg freezing is for women and how expensive it is. And I think it's so unfair because for the women that are able to afford it. I think for so many, it gives you sort of like a little bit more, a little bit longer timeline, not a little bit, but probably a lot longer if you're able to afford it and you're able to even like take off the time you need for work and everything where men don't have to worry about that. So it's very different. And I think it's so messed up how expensive egg retrieval is. It's it's it's so expensive. And obviously people need it for various reasons. But I think that adds a really complicated piece to it. And I also think that, you know, I don't know. But there's also so much pressure. I was going to put this in the article, but then I just like didn't it's like a balance of not writing too much and write. But there's also so many people like don't want to be a mom. And that's also OK. And I think a lot of people feel guilty for that. And if someone doesn't want to be a mom or a dad, they don't have to be. And I feel like people are so judgmental. And I know, you know, for some of my friends that are married, like they must feel like everywhere they go, people are asking them, when are you having kids? And it's like it's just not everyone. It's like it's not everyone who wants to, but it's also so much pressure and also so many people struggle with infertility and it's just such a personal thing that people go through. And there's just like so many layers to it. But I just think like I'm someone where I've always wanted to be a mom and I'm excited for that. But I can't imagine like how frustrating it must be for people who don't want to be a mom, but maybe feel like they have to be or they feel the pressure. Yeah. No, I love that you're saying that, Ali, and I think this is like it's like the trickle down effect. Of like, I think a huge thing I'm also taking from this and I try really hard, like I never ask people in interviews, like, do you want kids because it's like we don't know anything behind the scenes. Kind of like when you said when people ask me, why are you tired, literally stop. Just stop. Stop asking people like I like, oh, my God, the minute I got engaged, when are you getting married? When are you having kids? I'm like, oh, my God, like some of these people feel so entitled to answers that they have no business having or even asking. And I feel like we need to stop. Stop asking people, do you want kids or oh, my God, when are you getting married and like, are you dating Ali? It's like, read the room. If you have now asked Ali or one of your single friends constantly every time you see them, imagine how annoying that is. Like imagine how frustrating that is, like maybe wait, like how what's going on in your life? Like, how are you doing? Well, like if I was in the like happy relationship like you would know, I will tell you exactly like they'd be here with me, you know, you know, but sometimes it's yeah, I was at a group dinner and someone actually that I didn't know the other day was like, like in front of everyone and they mean well, but they're just like, so Ali, like, what's the dating life like and and what like, are you dating anyone now? And I'm like, after being asked 10 times that day, I'm like, I just why is this always have to be the conversation? Like, why can't it just be it's just all the time. Like, what have you been up to? Like, do you have like anything fun you're looking forward to up to this summer? Like, I think that we yeah, I would just say, Daddy Gang, like be more cognizant anytime you're asking your friends, whether they're the single friends, whether they're the married friends, whatever it is, like, be mindful and read some context clues of like, if your friend hasn't brought up kids to you, maybe it's because she doesn't want them or maybe she's having a hard time with it. Like being a little bit more generalized in our questioning and like letting them answer what they want to answer about their life and stop leading with like something so pointed that kind of puts them on the spot. It's like, excuse you. It's like shocking, I think, for people. The reason why I also want to do the article. Was because it's like, how often do we hear someone be like, I just turned 30 and I'm feeling better than I have in a very long time. And I'm also like, I'm OK with being single. Like, I'd rather be single and wait until I have a good match. And I also feel like as a woman, too, I don't know if you ever struggled with this with dating, but I felt like as I got older, I have this. I'm like, I really hope that guys don't perceive just because they know my age that I'm like desperate. Or like, you know, that like perception of like, yeah, I feel like I hope they're not thinking I'm just like in a rush because I don't have a timeline. I genuinely don't. And I always wonder that. I think you can. I think you can point to that by the way you speak on your dates of like, yeah, like I'm just like I'm I'll be honest, I'm dating and I'm kind of just like looking for people that like I like to spend time with and like I'm not in any rush to do anything. I'm just like looking for like a good. Person to like hang out with and spend time with. And like, I think the way that you speak about it can immediately disarm that concept of like, no, you're not desperate. You're actually like better than ever right now. And you're like working on yourself and no one is going to get to just come in and like be your partner. They're going to have to be really fucking great. OK, last question. What is something that you've learned about yourself recently that you wish you had known in your early 20s? Good one. I wish that. I trusted my gut more and just listened to that more and and also realizing it's OK. In fact, important to be myself. And I found the more I figure out who I am, the more the better relationships I have and the more fun that I have. So, yeah, I think trusting my gut. Allie, I cannot thank you enough for coming on. This was like one of my favorite conversations. I just feel like we hit so many different points. You are so smart and just like such a fascinating human being. And I really appreciate you opening up because I just know this episode is going to touch so many women. And like you really went in so many different directions that I'm like, I have no questions left. Like you killed it. You crushed it. Thank you for coming on. Like, I'm so happy we finally met. And now let's go hang out in Paris. Oh, my gosh. Wait, are you going to be 30 in Paris? No, August. But that's fine. Yeah, we're going to like we're going to be like our 30. We're going to be like, yeah, we're going to have. OK, perfect. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me on. This was so wonderful. This is amazing.