All yours with Craig Ferguson | History Hyenas

For decades, a shadowy organization called The Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around: lemon-forward sodas, even lemon-forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth. That's lemon propaganda right there. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime-lemon soda. Join the 7 uprising. Flip the sip. Guys, we have an amazing episode today. You're going to enjoy it. We got the great Craig Ferguson. Yeah, I'm going to—just a little caution, because he looks amazing. You're going to want to make sure the balls are drained before you start the sip. And ladies, you know, I don't know, take your panties off, whatever. Whatever it is, yeah. Have a good time. He's a fun hang. We had a good time with him. You can catch me on the road. I added a show in Morris Plains, New Jersey on February 7th. That's this weekend, a 5 o'clock show. Then we go to Bakersfield, California, February 20th and 21st. Don't forget about our live History Hyena show, February 23rd at the Comedy Cellar Village Underground. Get your tickets, historyhyenaspod.com. Then catch me at Soul Joel's the night before the wedding. I'm doing a show. Yeah, this is what it is. March 6th in Potsdown, PA. And then I have West Nyack. That date has been moved to April 24th through the 26th. And then Emmaus, Pennsylvania. The Emmaus Theater, May 2nd. And more dates are going up. YannisPappasComedy.com. Patreon.com/HistoryHyenas for our weekly bonus episodes every week. We got new content. It's what it is. I will be in Las Vegas this Friday, February 6th at the MGM, the David Copperfield Theater. And then I'm going to see the Backstreet Boys the next day. And it's going to get wild. And if you want to see me on Gummies, then come find me in Las Vegas. ChrisDComedy.com. We'll be right back. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. Chris E.D. Yanni P. And we got Craig Ferguson. Craig E.F., if you don't mind. Craig E.F. Thank you. Because you wrote a book. You got to do the middle initial. I've written a lot of books. Yeah. Well, I've read a lot. I've read some. Read a lot of books. I've read some books. Yeah. Do you ever hear of Peter Cooke? No. Peter Cooke was a great British comedian. He was a really, really funny guy. He used to do this thing called Derek and Clive. Look it up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Derek and Clive with Peter Cooke and Dudley Moore, right? Yeah. Can you swear in this? Yeah. He said, "Derek and Clive, you fucking can't." You know? Yeah. He said, "You fucking can't." And Peter Cooke was a kind of mentor to me. He used to say, "Whenever someone tells me they are writing a book, I always say, 'Neither am I. You fucking can't.'" Okay. Now, look at Craig Ferguson. See, we were just talking about how he's a 60-year-old kid, and look at how good the- 63. 63-year-old kid. And look at how good he looks. We had John Stamos in here a month ago, and you guys just look great, where we said, "People in their 70s who were 30 looked like we couldn't believe like Martin Luther King died at 39." And he looked like he was- To be honest, I mean, he kind of like- Yeah. It wasn't his choice. Yeah. Right. I just thought like he got- No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't a lifestyle choice. It wasn't like, "Well, Martin, you should have laid off the cars." You know what I mean? True. But I meant what he looked like though, even if he didn't. You know what I mean? Yeah. I thought he was always my whole life. I thought he was in his 60s. Yeah. Well, people were more mature back then. Now, we're living in a period of extended youth where nobody wants to have kids. Yeah. Now, we're living in a period of extended youth where nobody wants to grow up, so people look younger. Right. I mean, he's got an earring. No, no. I put the earring back in when I was 60. I like that. I took it out when I was 40 because I didn't want to be that guy. Yeah. But then when I was 60, I was like, "Well, I'll tell you what actually happened with the earring." Because I was with my kids one night and one of my youngest boys was like, "I think I'll get my ear pierced." And I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I was about your age when I pierced mine." And he said, "Do you think the earring would still go in?" I went, "I don't know." So, my wife gave me an earring and I just like, boom, straight in. And I thought, "Fuck it. I'll just keep it in." Yeah. But here's the thing. I don't know if the hole was still there or I'm just now so old my ears are spongy. Right, right. And you could just like. Went right through. You could just put. Right. It does look good. The three-piece suit with the earrings is a nice touch. Yeah. I have three holes here still and one here because I used to have three. Me too. You can put them back in when you're 60. That's what I'm gonna do. I like that. Yeah. I like that. And look, he's drinking out of our mug. He's just banging. I think the secret of the success of your podcast may be contained in this. In that coffee? Because I really feel like talking to you guys. Yes. That's what it is. Like a lot. Yeah. Like a lot. I really want to talk to you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coffee with a little dose of fentanyl. Oh. Now I feel sleepy. And you did makeup, but you know what? You don't need it. You look good. And our fans don't care. Well, we didn't make. I did makeup because I'm here as part of a Charabang. Oh, you're doing a whole bunch of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they. Well, it's me who does the makeup. I don't really like Annie, so I get to hang with her. Yeah. No, you're doing stuff all day today. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's like the old days. They used to call it like going into the car wash. You have a show coming out, which we should probably mention, and then you have to do all the shows. Sure. Right. It used to be Regis and Kathie Lee and all that. This is history for you guys. Yes, of course. Yeah. That's good history. And now it's the History Hyenas with Chris Stefano and Yannis Papas. Yeah. You know, I like this show. I like history with it. Yes. And then I see news reports now, like journalists across the world have got to stop using the word unprecedented. Yes. Stop that, because everything is totally fucking precedented. Yeah. Pick up a fucking book. Yeah. You know, it's like, "Oh, this is unprecedented." No, it's not. Yeah. Here's what happened before. Yeah. Everything. I like what you guys are doing. Yeah. You know what? And you know what we've decided, too, is, you know, first of all, we were talking about Join or Die. I used to watch when you did that show because. Oh, right. Yeah. That one never quite got off the ground. I feel like. And you know, Giannis did a bit on it. I did a segment on that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember. No, it didn't air. Oh, that's right. I was really mad. Yeah. Yeah. That's what killed that show. I'll be honest with you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I had to do. You guys. It was like man on the street, and I was out there in the cold. And then my old manager, who runs this floor, lied and said that you said that it was too funny and you didn't want on the show, but I was like, "That's not true." It's a funny manager thing. I said to him, I go, "What it means is they didn't like it." Here's the thing I've learned about. If you have a show that has your name on it, and somebody is funny on that show, you get the credit. Yeah. I was like, "It's too funny. That's not a thing." Exactly. It happened. No. It was like Josh Robert Thompson that used to do the Jeff Peterson, the robot skeleton in my show. He's doing all that stuff. People go, "Greg, I love that Jeff Peterson." I'm like, "Yep." Yeah. It's you. He takes credit. That's the guy. Yeah. That's why I fired him as a manager. Well, yeah. Because he would say things like that to me. I was like, "I know you're lying." Right. I know you're lying. It in there because it was shite. Shite. Shite. That's why. Did you say that for me? I said it for you. That's what it is. I said it for you. Yes. How did you say unprecedented? Precedented? What did he- Unprecedented. Precedented. I'm going to say precedented instead of precedented. Precedented. Precedented. Shite. Shit. Shit. Joby. Joby's another one. You've been a week in the UK and I'm just calling you cunt from now on. Well, you know the interesting thing about that word is that in the UK it's not a big deal. I know. That's what I'm saying. No, right? You call guys cunts. Yeah, yeah. You go, "Oh, he's a lovely big cunt, that guy." Yeah, yeah. No, it's- Interesting. It's not bad. It's like dude or like man, right? Yeah, yeah. Is that a couple of cunts coming over? Maybe not dude. I mean, you would- Right. Right. I mean, like, boy, he wouldn't sing, "All the young cunts." Right. Right. He wasn't like, "All the young cunts." Do you call them cunts? Oh, there's too many cunts out there. Let me figure it out. No, but real cunts. Yeah. What do you call an actual cunt? What do you mean? A vagina. Right. Oh, a fanny. A fanny. A fanny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why the term fanny pack. Yeah. Is it a pack above your vagina? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. It's unprecedented. We're in an unprecedented area. I can speak Scottish. Yeah. We call them hot pockets or we call them what? The devil's cave. Vaginas? I call it. You call them what? The devil's- The devil's cave. Cave? Yeah. I call them muffs. You call them muffs? I say muff. Well, I just remember- I like hot pocket. I just remember there was a guy that we grew up with who's called Mikey Muffs because he used to go down on women a lot and we used to call that a muff diver. Right. Right. So I still say muffs. You don't do that anymore? No. I think- You ate it or something? He's dead. Oh. As you will. Throat. Lesson learned. Yeah. Throat cancer. New update. Yes. There's Peter Cook. There's Peter Cook right there. Oh, yeah. That's Peter. Yeah. There's Pilate Peter. Oh, he was fantastic. What a good guy. Now, here's the truth, Craig. I think you were the funniest late night host. I actually do too. I think you were the best. And Conan. And Conan. I loved Conan. Conan did it right. Those are my two guys. What was it like when you had to interview people that you weren't boring? You had to do a lot of actors. Like Pete. We want to ask because Pete Davidson was a guest on Jimmy Fallon, what was it, a week ago. Yeah. He had a funny thing where he was asking Jimmy Fallon, he's like, "How do you pretend to like like people?" He was like, "I don't know." He's got a podcast now and he goes, "You have a hard job." He goes, "It's hard to pretend that you're into someone who's boring or, you know." Yeah. You always go with the Czech style. I feel like what it was with Late Night for me is I had no frame of reference, right? I didn't grow up watching it. I didn't really know about it. I never watched it before I did it. I didn't watch it when I was doing it, and I don't watch it now. So I kind of like slotted into this world that I didn't really know anything about. And as time went on, I mean, at first, it's a little tricky talking to people. You're trying to feel it. But as you go on, you think, I have to talk to this individual for five, ten minutes. Sometimes they're great. Most people are really nice, to be honest. And then every now and again, you get an asshole, and it doesn't matter. There's so much money you get paid. I know. That's what it is. Find a way, right? Find a way. You can muscle through it. Oh, you bought a house. Figure it out. I know. Over the summer, Jimmy Kimmel always has people guest host his show because he gets the show. So I guest hosted for two days. Well, the thing is, I did it for two days. And so I thought it was great and fun. But for two days, it's like, I'm doing my top material in the monologue. So I was like, oh, this is awesome. But then when I spoke to Jimmy, Jimmy was like, it's amazing. You did great. He goes, but imagine having to do that day after day after day where then you've used up all your material. It's funny because I remember talking to Jimmy because I like Jimmy a lot. He's awesome. He really is. He's a lovely man. And he was awesome. He was on my show, I think maybe like the week I was leaving. And he was on and he was like, why are you going? And I was like, because, you know, we have a short time on this planet, man. It is a date, a hyphen, and another date. Yeah. We're the hyphen. And I'm not going to spend my hyphen talking to fucking celebrities every fucking night. Sure. And he was like, no, no, it's like the Supreme Court. Once you're in, you stay in. I'm like, I don't know. So it sounds like maybe he's turning around. Yeah. Well, because Jimmy. Well, well, he was. He was just saying to me, like the degree of difficulty, because I had such a newfound respect for the late night host, because like I said, I did it for two days and it was like, oh, my God, that was so much fun and great. But I couldn't imagine having to do a third day because I had already run out of material. Yeah. And then with the guests. Year five kind of gets you. Yeah. And Jimmy, guys, I've done it 20 years. You did it, what, 10 years? 10 years. 10 years. This is, I'm saying it's a crazy feat because with the guests, it's also like podcasting on it, right? Which I, we are better at. The three of us seem like we're just good at that. Well, that's kind of how I did late night, though. See, because when I had to do it with Jimmy, they make you all the guests, the celebrities that got their PR people. Yeah. You can only ask him or her this, this, and this, and they're going to go into that. And that was, I found that very challenging. Well, that's the thing. I think that's fairly recent. I mean, I came out in December 2014, right? That's when I stopped. And at that point, a lot of people had been on before, so they know that they're safe. The publicist saying, you can only ask this, this, and this, they're only trying to protect their clients. Sure. In case they get into some kind of clickbait area or something. Right. What do you think about the ice shooting? Sure. That kind. Yeah, that kind. A woman close up on his face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to get somebody who wasn't from this country in here. Let me talk to you about Scrabble, and I'll tell you that. Yeah, yeah. Yes. So, next question. Israel-Palestine, what do you think? Scrabble is a very interesting. You know, to get a board game that's so beloved and put it on TV, it's not easy. So, let me ask you this. Do you, because everybody, you know, has said, oh, late night is dead. Do you think there's a way, some way to bring it back late night? I don't know. I like, I, to be honest, I swear to God, I'm the worst person to ask about late night, because I feel like I'm an anomaly. And in fact, it's unprecedented. I kind of just slipped in there and did it and left. And it wasn't, it wasn't really like I was part of the legacy program or I, I don't, I didn't really even understand it when I started. And so, it kind of, does it, does it exist in the form of, I don't know, everything changes, doesn't it? Maybe it'll be, there's so many podcasts and shit now. That's what it is. I don't know if it, if it needs it. It doesn't need it. And I think if it, if it keeps going, it's just, nobody's going to make 20 mil a year anymore. That just. Well, then, I ain't fucking doing it. Yeah. Yeah, you can, you make the money on the pods now. Well, that, do you really, do you make a lot of money? Yeah, you do. Yeah, not 20 mil, but this is. This is what we've kind of adopted in, like, what you said you did. We're kind of like, we have our own little fan base. We haven't, we are. He's listening now. Look at him, he's listening. Look, just a hyphen, and we got our fan. And then we feel, even us, we feel like we can say no to really anything we want because we have our fans. That's beautiful. We put the power in the hands of our fans and took it out of, we were, we don't rely on the industry anymore. If the industry is there and has an opportunity, we'll look into it. Sure. But we, I could say no to anything. If, for example, you were offered Scrabble. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, to be the host. To be the host of Scrabble? Let's talk about what you got coming up. We already did. It's all right. Look at, what a great look, right? Great hair for, you know? The kid is a handsome kid. He's a handsome kid. There's no way around that he's a handsome kid. Spongy ears, though. Got spongy ears. Yeah, but we all kind of have a little sponge up there. I mean, did you watch the Grammys last night? No. No, right? We don't watch it either. We're just not a part of it. You know, I tell you. I'm going to tell you a story about the Grammys. So once I was at the Grammys, and I was presenting, like, an award or something to Katy Perry. Eyes up here. Well, that kind of thing. Yeah, all right. But I wasn't giving her the award. I had to introduce her. She wasn't on the stage. But you walk out on stage at the Grammys, and it's like, everybody, there's all these rock stars everywhere, and I'm like, and I was walking out. Now, I used to do this dumb joke on the show, on the old late night show, where I would show a picture of, I would say, do we have a picture of Paul McCartney? And I'd show a picture of Angela Lansbury, right? It's a stupid joke. It was a stupid fucking joke, and it doesn't matter. And I just, I forgot about it, really. But we used to do it a lot. It was like a running bit. And then I'd go out to present at the Grammys, and right in the front row, as I walk out, looking at me, fucking Paul McCartney. Or could it be Angela Lansbury? I don't know, right? They do kind of look alike. Right. So he's looking at me, but he has that look in his face, like, I was like, fuck, Paul McCartney has a TV. Yeah. And he's seen this shit. Yeah. Right. So I was like, oh, no, I feel bad. Like, there's not that many Beatles left, and one of them fucking hates me. Yeah. And then, and then, and I was like, oh, my. So I tried to, I never interacted with the man at all. I tried to tell myself, well, he's probably an asshole or something, right? Yeah, yeah. So years later, I'm in a hotel in an elevator with my youngest son, and the door's open. Fucking Paul McCartney gets in. And I'm like, oh, no, oh, no. And he come in, and he sees my son, and he's like, hey, how you doing? Little lads, all that. And he was really, he was great to him. He was lovely. He was such a nice guy. And I had to live with the fact that Paul McCartney is a god, and I did a bad thing. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think he definitely saw it and doesn't like you? Either that or Angela Lansbury. I'm not sure. Yeah, I think, look, would he get mad at it? I don't know. Did you do a bad thing, or did you notice something that just happens to be kind of true? I mean, I'm looking at Angela Lansbury right now, and it's just like if Paul McCartney did, his own Mrs. Doubtfire movie, that would be it. I mean, she's got his face, and he has her face. Like, you guys are walking down Beetlehead Street right now. They're going to hate you for this. I mean, listen, I'm a John guy. But again, going back to the way the world's changed, it's kind of irrelevant if the Beatles hate us or not, because our fans don't give a shit. Let's find out. Let's fucking find out. Let's find out. Your loyal fans are like, hang on a minute. The Liverpool fan base for this show is fucking heading out. We should be calling him Sir Paul McCartney. That's true. I mean, he's a giant of the entertainment. You know, I regret it. Now, as a Scot, do you guys still hate the British? What's the deal? What's the dynamic? Well, the Scots and the English, the area. The English, sorry. Right. So there's the English and the Irish. I'm sure you're familiar with the Scots and the Welsh. And the geographical area is called the British Isle. Right. Right. But Ireland's got its own thing going on. Yep. A little bit of untidiness up at the top there for a couple of years. Yeah. Maybe a couple of hundred. And Scotland, England, and Wales, the United Kingdom. Right. So some of them get along, some of them don't. I don't know. It's kind of like, it's a really divisive kind of thing. Some people like being part of the United Kingdom, and some people don't. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, you just got to go watch a Braveheart movie and kind of figure it out for yourself. Well, I feel like that might not be my number one history tip. No, okay. Well, on the history, we do more herstory because women don't stick to the facts. That's why we like to call it herstory. Yeah. Yes. You guys really don't give a shit. No, we don't. No, we don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. No, but, yeah, because I love history. I love American history so, so much. And you like Join or Die, I would assume you're a Revolutionary War fan because Join or Die is the Ben Franklin. Well, it's like when people say it's never been this bad, and I'm like, you know, when I was a kid, I was a fan of Ben Franklin. When Ben Burr was on trial for treason and murder at the same time, and he was vice president of the United States, that's pretty bad. Pretty bad, yeah. That's pretty bad. When Teddy Roosevelt was drinking a gallon of coffee a day, you know, that's too much coffee. Yeah, that's probably. Well, now they say it's good for you. Now they say it's. They do. three to five cups you can do. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Another one? Your son? Yeah. Yeah, I could. Yeah, and you're drinking it black. Yeah. Leroy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think. What do you think this time right now is most like from history, if you had to look back? Mm-hmm. And think of a time, what does this kind of time remind you of? I mean, we've obviously, as an American empire, we've gone from the production to the consumption to the dysfunction phase. Do you think? No, I don't see it like that. No? Okay, yeah. I think it's like maybe the runabout, the invention of the print and press, which leads to, you know, people learning how to read, which leads to a decimation of information, which leads to the enlightenment. Which leads, eventually, to the United States, right? So I think I would look at, there's a sea change in how information is delivered. Like, you know, the idea of, you know, you've heard it called the post-truth environment, where, you know, you can pretty much, like, you guys say whatever you fucking want. And if somebody says that's not true, you go, yeah, it is. Or fake news. It's hard to get verisimilitude. It's hard to get verisimilitude in your media. And I think that is a similar effect that happened when the print and press was invented and the peasants learned how to read. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. So you're saying the lower people, the poorer people, are now empowered, and so it's a little chaotic. Or is that a bad one? That's not entirely what I'm saying. That's kind of the opposite of what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, so you're saying, you hate women's creed. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. So you're saying the proletariats got to be put back in their cage. Yeah, no, that's not what I'm saying. I think what I'm saying is. I kid, I kid. I think what I'm saying is the. Truth is, reality is a suggestion. Well, kind of, it's difficult. It's one of our sayings. It's difficult to find a, but history has that. Sure. You know, the idea, if you look at history, it's hard to get a vibe for it. Like, the time in history, because it's. Some of it seems so unreachable. But I would recommend to you, do you ever read the historical fiction of Gore Vidal? No. Do that. That's his best work. Now, Gore Vidal kind of tarnished his reputation a little bit because of these spats with Truman Capote and all that. But actually, his historical fiction work, he wrote a great biography of Aaron Burr, which is amazing. He also wrote a book called Creation, which is about the wars between. Between Persia and Greece. I know that may be still touchy around here. He's Greek. Yeah. No, we're four of them now. I mean, we're, you know. Right. It's a different time. We had a. Yeah, we have a common. We had a common. He hates the Turks. Well, you know, traditional. All yours. Yeah. Anyway, look. The, the, uh, what he did with that. Yours is great. I love that. He takes that. I'm going to use that. Yeah. Someone's going to like it. All yours. The name of this episode is going to be all yours. All yours. Yeah, when someone does it, it's like, you don't want any part of it. Just all yours. All yours. All yours. All yours. Yeah. Yeah. Right back at it. Yeah, I love that. It's the volleyball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart. Whoa, there you go. Guys, let me tell you something, okay? There's an. You know me. I'm just going to be honest with you. I've been on a little test. Okay? You got to. Sometimes you got to get a little testy. You got to get a little testosterone. Yeah. Because some guys like minestrone. I like testosterone. Yeah, you like testosterone-y. Yeah. It's why I want to look like Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. So I've been using this thing called Mars Men. It's called Mars Men, and it's just one of those things that, look, dude, you wake up one day and sometimes, you know what I mean? You just start losing your testosterone. A lot of guys around age 30, you just start going down big. And so I said, "I just want to feel like myself again. I want to just start being able to fucking tune people up." Yeah. So I turned to Mars Men. Yeah. You get stronger physical performance and recovery at the gym. Yeah. Mars Men is designed to help free life. Lock testosterone. That's the key here. That's the key. So your body can actually use it. No synthetics. No needles. No. Just real ingredients that help optimize energy, focus, and strength. Now, listen. This is for the guys listening to the show, and it's also for a couple of the trans men listening to the show. That's what it is. Nothing a little extra can't help. If you want to get that voice from here to here. That's what it is. That's what you do. Take a little Mars Men. And you know what? Listen, this is for men, but I don't know. If you're a lady, I'm not going to tell you you can't take it. Who doesn't like a big clit? Yeah. Or if you're a lady and you want a little advantage on the soccer field. It's what it is. You know, nobody's going to test for Mars Men. Now here's how you know you can trust it because it's made right here in the USA. Okay? Nice. None of that other bullshit. It's made right here in the USA and it's third party tested. You get a 90 day money back guarantee. So there is no risk, folks. Yes. The worst case is you don't absolutely love it and you get your money back. But 91% of users, over 91% of users report higher energy levels. Thousands of guys are feeling incredible results. Just check out the reviews on the website to see for yourself. Now, Yanni, tell me they can get it. Well, and before I do, I just want to let you know and reiterate, these are eight natural clinically dosed ingredients, Tongkat, Ali, Shalijit, vitamin D, zinc, boron, and more. So it just supports. Yeah. It supports the testosterone. I thought you were reading out the Indian cabinet. Yeah. I thought that was literally- It did sound like it. I said, "Oh, is that?" Yeah. Is that the president of India? It sounded like Akash was introducing me to his family. Yeah. It's just what it is. So for a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life, plus free shipping and three free gifts as men. Go to mars.com. It's a perfect way to kick off the new year strong. That's mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts at checkout. After your purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. So please remember to tell them that History Hyenas sent you there. Yeah. Because you know that bad credit's going to make your life harder. Because I do know that. 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Using our promo code, Hyenas, you're going to get 20% off your first year, monthly or annual. Your choice. Again, grab the Ava app and use my promo code, Hyenas, so they know you heard it from me and you're going to get 20% off any plan for up to a year. That's promo code. Sorry. Just makes me emotional. That's promo code, Hyenas. Thanks to Ava. Now go get yourself good credit. Because they're helping people. That's why you're emotional. Yeah. Yeah. But what Gore Vidal does is he takes real events in history. And he puts fictitious people in, which is not unprecedented in historical fiction. But he does it very well. And I would urge you, if you're interested in that kind of thing, American history, there are seven books called The Narratives of Empire by Gore Vidal. And he goes from Burr all the way up to, I think it's Watergate, different books all the way up. And it's fascinating. He ties them together. Yeah. Some fake people in the actual history. Some fake people, but some real people. And the kind of, when the Trump-Elon Musk thing was happening, I was like, Teddy Roosevelt and Randolph Hearst, it's that thing that was attributed to Mark Twain, that history doesn't repeat itself, but it rhymes, right? Yeah. Well, even during the pandemic, whenever the whole vaccine craze, it's like you go back, and that was a problem. It was a problem with Benjamin Franklin's time, with the inoculation, and George Washington was for it, and others were against it, and it was the same type of divide when you go back and read the media from that day. They're talking about anti-inoculators, and it's just, it's a similar concept. Right. And during polio, but during the polio, like the polio time, with the masks and all that. Yeah. Wasn't it? Yeah. It's the same. Like those big plague masks? Yeah. Like they had to, Shakespeare was shut down for like three years or two years during the plague in London. Yeah. And he was like, "We're going to wait for a bit of Midsummer Night's Dream, and you can't get it." Dude, did you hear this new conspiracy that they, well, I don't know if it's new. I've just heard about it. They believe now Shakespeare was a black Jewish woman. Did you see that? Well, is that a new Disney pic? Yeah. That's it. Shakespeare, they're saying- All yours. All yours. Black Jewish woman. All yours. All yours. Yeah. No fucking part of that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was in fact a black Jewish woman. Yeah. But it's, I, that's what I love. You know, I like, I really get into like David McCullough. Yeah. He was the 1776. Right. And the American Revolution. Because I, I heard this, you know, where somebody said, "Oh, history doesn't repeat itself. People do." And then you read about the people during those times, and you're like, "Oh, they have the same wants and needs, same shit going on." That's what Gore Vidal's really good at. As today. Making it human. Making it identifiable. Yeah. Like, you know, you know, there's a, there's a great, you know, the, I'm sure you've read Plato, right? Yeah. Sure. All right. So when he's talking about the death of Socrates. Right. And that, that scene, is it in Republic? I think it's in Republic. They're all in that room, and Socrates is about to drink the hemlock, and everybody's really sad, and Socrates is like, no, it's cool. It's okay, yeah. Yeah. It's so moving, you know. This is interesting to me that when you attach the emotion to history, it becomes far more visceral. And I think that's why I like what you're doing. You're demystifying it. You know, it's like it's not the reserve of stuffy academics. It belongs to all of us. And I think you have to humanize it. Like you said, you look at, I was reading something, I forgot, but about the French Revolution when that happened, when they basically were eventually cut off the king and queen's head. That was the top aristocratic society at the time. It was like living in present-day New York City. We would never think one day we're going to cut off the governor's head, but then they did that. But the people living at that time thought that the barbarians, barbaric humans, they thought, oh, those people lived hundreds of years ago. We're not like that anymore. And then, boom, you're like that. So the point is, is us living now think we would never do anything like that again. It's like, no, yes, you actually would. There's a thing that Trotsky said. I'm not a fan. I'm going to cut my dick off. You know who did that? Origin of Alexandria. Look, that guy. It's a very interesting guy. No, but it's an interesting, there's some debate of whether he did it or didn't do it. Got it. Did he cut the penis or the balls off? Like the whole thing? He. But was he made himself a eunuch? Yeah. You know, there are some things that are very hard to prove. There was no scribe there to capture it. Yeah. Well, a lot of his writing didn't survive. Right. So I don't know. We don't know. I don't know if he did it at all. Right. Because towards the end of his life, he said, you know who he was, right? Do you? No. Well, okay. So Origin of Alexandria was the, he was an early Christian theologian. Pre-church Christian. So pre-Roman Christian. And he was the first guy to. Are they cops? Are those the Coptics? Sure. Yeah. No, they're not. No. I don't think he was Coptic, but he was, it was like when you said, were they cops? I was like, is that that thing? Like if you're a cop, you have to tell them you're a cop. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not true. Anyway, look. Here he is right here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He. Click on it, Jesse. He was the guy that started the idea of the allegorical interpretation of scripture. Mm. Which was kind of a pagan idea. He got into a lot of trouble after he died with the Catholic church because I think he was excommunicated a couple of hundred years after he died, which, you know, is a real career downer if you're a saint. Yeah. That kind of sucks. Yeah. That, that's like going from late night to a podcast. It ain't fun. It's got to be done. Times change. Yeah. Wow. Do you think there's any parallels to like, like ancient Greece, like post Pericles, like how debate became so. You know, common and that's when Socrates kind of was coming. Socrates was killed by the mob. Socrates was killed by democracy. But there was so many sophists around going like, listen to me speak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, now we have that with like. Democracy was a dangerous idea during Socrates' time. Well, it still is a dangerous idea. It's just, it's like Churchill said, it's a terrible idea, but it's the best one we've got. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, the internet kind of democratized truth in a way. Well, that, and that's why I think it's similar to what we were talking about at the printing press. Like you were saying, the proletariat needs to be put back in their cage. No, I did not say that. Again, all you, all you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did not say that. I mean, I know it will once we get this edited. But what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was all mine. That was all mine. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. Anyway, what I, what I think is that it is an echo of that time. It's a big change in human society, but I don't think, I mean, I don't buy any of that AI shit or anything like that. That I think is just horseshit. That's just. What do you mean by that? What do you mean? Well, the AI is going to take over the world. You don't think so? No. No. No. I fucking don't. And I'll tell you why. Yeah. Tell me why. Because I ordered Chinese food last night. Yeah. On Uber Eats. Yeah. And the Uber Eats app, which is pretty fucking good. Yeah. Fucked it up. Yeah. Yeah. It can't deliver Chinese food in New York City. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not taking the world yet. Yeah. Not yet. Yeah. Yeah. We're not going to see it. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. If they can't do that now, but maybe they'll improve. Yeah. They keep saying that. Yeah. After improving so fast. And I'm like, is it though? Yeah. Because. Right. What's changed in social media since what? 2005, 2010? Well, now you could totally watch a video and it looks realistic of like. Does it look realistic? Yeah. It looks very realistic. Yeah. But I still, I agree with him and I, we talk about how AI taking over, they always talk about AI movies and actors and actresses. And I know for me and people, most people my age, I'm not going to want to see Brad Pitt as AI. I want to see him as human being. Oh, you do? I personally do. Well, you know what? Let me take it back. I feel more comfortable masturbating to him in the human form than AI form. I feel like my father would be. Prouder. Right. Right. Exactly. I think that the idea of, that's why I like, and all the way through when I was doing the Drew Carey show and I was doing late night all the time, I always go out, do at least a few comedy clubs a year, at least a few theaters a year because there ain't a fucking robot. And I had one on late night. There ain't a fucking robot that's doing the chuckle hunt in Alabama. He's not fucking happening. Hey, hey, how are you still? Yeah. Never. I agree with that. Figure out. So there is life. Yeah. And I think, I actually think right now there's a, I've noticed this a couple of times. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking, but in coffee shops, younger people reading books. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah. I feel like there's a little bit of a rejection of the imposition of technology. The cool thing for the youth to do now, like I have a 15 year old stepson. The cool thing for these kids to do is they, they're not on social media or if they are, they don't follow anybody or they, and they're followed by no one. So the cool thing to do is to reject, is to reject the technology. Fight the power. That's what they're doing. I love it. Because, and I think, I, I think what's happened is like, you know, I'm 41. So I, I got. You look great. Thank you. You do look good. Yeah. Thank you. Because you look great. Yeah. I appreciate that. He's got a little bit. What age are you? What am I? Yeah. Age wise? Yeah. 50. 50. And that's accurate because, well, but are you actually 51? You didn't say I look great after that. That's because I was going, no. Because you look so great. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. This is like the view. Yeah. I know. I'm Whoopi Goldberg. It is. No, let's make it really like the view. What, Trump is fucking an animal. Yeah. Now it's the view. Now it's. Yeah. Trump is a human being. Yeah. The view was funny. I had, when I was hosting that Jimmy Kimmel show, you know, it's ABC. So they put me on a big press run and the view said no. And I said to the PR, I said, why did they say no? He goes, well, they Googled your podcast. And they said no. I was like, okay, sorry. Whoops. Yeah. That was like my whole, hey, Paul McCartney, will you be on my podcast? Yeah. No. No, no, no. Angela Lansbury, not available, but if she was. Yeah. Yeah. I met her once. I did some thing. I love her. Yeah. I did some thing like with some charity show and she was on it. And then I, you know, I had a relative, I guess a good enough set. And she came up to me, she was like, oh, that was really great stuff. She's like, you can never be on the view. She just said that. I was like, yeah. You know, first time I was on the view, it was when Barbara Walters was still on. Wow. My hall pass. RIP. Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters. I had said when she was. Barbara Bush. Barbara Bush. Well, Barbara Bush or Barbara Walters. Or just any of them. Any of the Barbaras. Any of the Barbaras. Yeah. Barbarosa. Barbarosa. Barbarosa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Barbara, Barbara Walters was my, was my number one. RIP babe. Yeah. But go ahead. Yes. Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters was on the view. That was, that was. She started it. Yeah. Yeah. She started it. Yeah. Yeah. And look, she was kind of a piece. She was a piece. Yeah. I'm telling you, she was a piece. Did we say that piece? We say it on this show. On the show. On the show. We'll take it. We'll give you one. We call beautiful women for Rome. She's for Rome. And. Meaning she's so beautiful that. In Roman times. We would like, if I was an emperor, we would have to take her. I'd have to take her. For the harem. For the state. That's what used to happen back in Roman times. That sounds to me like a remarkable amount of respect, gentlemen. Yeah. Let's have it. Well done. Well, you turned me around. Yes. But what about the historical accuracy of that? Well, it depends. I mean, yes, of course. Right. But. Let's look at the other. Let's look at the wars between Persia and Greece. Yeah. Darius the Great invading Persia. Darius the Great. You can tell by his name, he thinks quite highly of himself. Yeah. Google his wife. Letosa. Let's take a peek at Letosa. Let's Google Letosa. Atosa. Oh, Atosa. Darius the Great's wife. Jesse's a champion scholar. Atosa. Atosa. There it is. There she is. Now, it's not a great photograph of her because it was a long time ago. Yeah, her face looks like it's made of stone. But there you go. Go up there. Yeah. This woman. Looks like a beard to me. Was. He's a gay kid. Yeah. This woman was astonishing. Astonishingly. Gorgeous. Great. Well, not just gorgeous, like powerful, clever, manipulated Darius and her son Xerxes as well. Oh, Xerxes. The great Xerxes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She was. I know him from the movie 300. Yeah. Yeah. Now, you would learn about her in the book Creation by Gore Vidal. Oh. I got to recreate. Oh, we got to read more Gore Vidal. Yeah. Yeah. You do. I mean, it's very accessible. Very cool stuff. You'll enjoy it. Yeah. Okay. culture great Empire and a lot modern-day Iran I mean a lot of people don't know Cyrus was like the first one of the first leaders rulers whatever you want to call to really respect human rights and he got that yeah yeah he was one of the first and yeah they were they were a great civilization and the the golden age of Islam right mm-hmm a lot of people don't know most of those intellectuals were Persian yeah yeah yeah that's that's all but you can Google it later yeah I'll do I just don't know yeah you know I kind of like I feel like I have reached the point in my life and I'm very comfortable with this that I I can say I don't know me too oh yeah it's it's such a good feeling fuck it's great yeah because you go through your 20s and you pretend to know and like your ego do you feel like you've had any sort of ego death like how do you how do you enjoy the back the back like I was sober a long time ago that's a little bit of a you miss it a little bit yeah yeah because the earring says you still have a few was that the earrings that just you might know I don't I don't miss that I don't miss I don't miss the craziness of it no I don't actually I did for a bit right I'm not gonna lie you but it's been 34 years long time zero sips and no weed or anything you can't do anything nothing you're sober hunt every day mm-hmm yeah that's great right yeah well given the alternative yeah yeah but it doesn't work for me I mean for some people that like you have a beer it's fine for you you know one will lead to jail jail yeah yeah you know what you know what I'm fucking coming after you that's you know what 41 I can still fucking yeah dude it's fun it's crazy I remember one time I was with Colin Quinn we were in Ireland together and he's been sober you know long years long time and we were in this bar in Ireland because we were on like a tour and they had shown us that this bar is where you two used to hang out whatever and we're in that's pretty much every bar yeah he goes and then and then he goes Chris he goes I'll take a walk with me so we'll start walking I'm just you know him and I were there for a festival and then we get about a block away and he takes a dig big deep breath and he goes he goes I was the closest I've come in 40 years I said walk me I said what happened he goes something about that bar he goes I saw the grilled cheese the cheese sandwiches I saw the guys in the hats it reminded me of Brooklyn of being the back home he goes a certain scent came over and I said if I don't get out of here I'll be dead in six months and he was like so and it was amazing to me because I thought guys you get to a point where it's like it's not even a party anymore he goes no every single day I still think don't have a drink so was a party yeah but I don't it doesn't call to me like that I mean every now and again I think you know what I'm gonna go fuck out of here but and that sounds like a bit like that every now and again I think yeah this maybe I should go yeah yeah it really it sinks its claws into some people yeah I'm one of them now when he when Colin Quinn said that did you understand him the first time no you had to repeat it the second first I was like a fucking grilled cheese sandwiches fucking and you're like can you wait come again yeah well he's friends we're friends with him yeah yeah Colin's our boy yeah friends with him um all right well I mean yeah so Craig's got a big frickin' day today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the next? What other press are you doing today? Do you know the sketch? I'm going to Dan Soder's podcast. Dan Soder is the best. Great guy in his apartment. I don't know him like him. That's where he does it. In his apartment? Yeah, he's home, yeah. So I'm going to Dan Soder's. You're going to Dan Soder's apartment. This is the fall from late night. Yeah. My God, it's terrible. Yeah. And he gets more views than us. Yeah, yeah. This is even worse. Are you doing Pete Davidson's Garage? Yeah, I mean, did you know? Who would have thought that entertainment would come? So after this, I'm going to Dan Soder's house to record, then Pete Davidson's Garage. Yeah. I did a show for Sirius in my shed in my house in Los Angeles for like two years. Yeah. But the problem I had with it, and this is why you're smart to use a studio, is like after about a month, I was like, I haven't left the fucking house. Yeah, that's a problem. In about a month. That's why I won't have an office or anything in the house. No, no, no. I have to leave. Yeah, because I was like walking around in sweatpants, groveling and stuff like that. It fucks your creativity. Yeah. Probably. But with me, I don't mind being in the house. The problem is the wife's in the house. And the kids. Yeah, but the wife is the one that. Right. Yeah. Otherwise, I'd be fine being home, but the wife is. If I could find a way to get her out of the house, then I feel like. When she's not out of the house, when she's not home, I actually feel like I'm out of the house. Are you still married to her? Yeah, we're still married. And does she watch this? No, thank God. Well, we thought she did, and then we found out in a big way she did about two weeks ago. Yeah, sometimes we get in trouble. We started going off. We started looking at female tennis stars and getting naked pictures, and then we just got in a little bit of trouble by the wives. No, I love my wife. I'm joking. I love her. Yeah, yeah, I love her. We have two kids. I love her to death. Yeah, she's great. I love her to death. And you went from badass to whooped and fucking like 30. That was like whoop. Are you married to the same woman whole career, everything? Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I haven't been married to the same woman for 20 years. He went to. Oh, 20 years is good. Craig did the old hat trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did the old hat. We went for three. Oh, three wives. Oh, it's like my pops. Well, first one, I was 21. Doesn't even count. That doesn't count. No kids. Too young. Oh, no kids doesn't count. No, that's like. And in those days, it was like, who gets the CD? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were probably drinking at that point, so you didn't even remember. It's like you know me. Yeah. You're like, we're married? When did that happen? Yeah. Were you there? No, seriously. Anyway, and then the second one, that's what it was. Was that when you got sober, second one? Oh, it was well after, yeah. Oh, okay. So then you probably went a little too serious with the second one. You know. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that conversation when the wife did the ex-wife got pissed, she was like, I'm never going to be a Tosa. Stop telling me to act like a Tosa. Yeah. Not entirely true. Yeah. You know what's great about Craig? By now, the third one, three times a chance. You know what's the great thing about Craig? You can tell right away. First of all, he's a comedian, so you love him right away. But he's a kid in a nice suit, handsome kid. But the kid is terrible. He's patted up, and he has an earring. So he's got business and party in his personal life. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm like a walking fucking mullet. Yeah. You see the tattoos come out. You see everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's two sides. There's two sides to Craig Ferguson. You'd be a better guy. You need to live in New York. I do now. Oh, you're here. I moved. Oh, okay. I thought you were still on the West Coast. You didn't even take a glance at the Wikipedia. Yeah. No, no, no. What do you mean? What does it say? It says he lives in New York. You know, I used to say my Wikipedia page, I played the harp as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, you live in the city. Yeah. How come you come down to the Comedy Cellar? Well, I did want, I've been away a lot. I've been working a lot. And I did go down to the Cellar maybe for the first time I'd ever been in there. And I went up and did a, I loved it. Yeah, it's great. That's a great fucking place. This is great too, the stand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard about that. I talked to the gentleman outside who- Who was heavy breathing. Yeah, Chris, yes. Yeah, yeah. Is that your old manager? He's my old manager. Small manager. He's my old manager. He's my old manager. Well, he lied to me and he said, he said, you were too funny and I shouldn't go in here. That's what he said. Yeah. Yeah. When you leave, can you go tell him that that didn't happen? Because it'll just show, maybe you go, maybe you shouldn't be the manager. No, no, no. Don't do that because then he's going to get stressed out. He's going to continue to eat and we're trying to get him not to eat. We got him Ozempic on his birthday. I understand that. Yeah, we got him. We got him Ozempic, but he's putting it in the wrong spot. Yeah, I'm rock hard right now. Yeah, I want to see a rock hard cock. Cuz, you want to have a sore fight. Yeah, let's do it, Cuz. And I know Blue Chew works because I had Nick take it last week and he was sending me pictures of his big Guatemalan cock. Yeah, wait till we do the fucking Nick dating game. I can't wait. Oh, yeah. Dude, the Nick dating game is going to be unreal. We're going to get sponsored by Blue Chew. And here's the thing with the Nick dating game. It's open to guys and girls. Cuz, Blue Chew is turning bedroom performance into an Olympic sport. Go for gold. Yeah, you want to go for that golden fucking cock. It's awesome. Forget Netflix and chill. This is Netflix and Phil. I'm going to fill up my. I'm going to cock them to fill up your ass, sir. Cuz, gay guys like Blue Chew as well. Cuz, what it does is it gets you hard. So, it's great. That's what they do. They get you hard and you want to make sure that you're hard if you want to impress whoever you try to bang. It's what it is. Cuz, I'll tell you what, though, sitting with Craig Ferguson, I did not need a Blue Chew. I was bricked up. Yeah, cuz, you told me you're very close to telling me that you're fucking a gay guy. Yeah, it's just what it is. And on the Patreon, we're going to talk about it. Get off the microdose. It's opening you up to the truth of you being a gay man. The truth is, yeah, I've gotten a little space and I'd like to fill in that space with a man's hair he has. Now, here's the thing with Blue Chew. We got a special deal for the listeners. You're going to get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code HIJENAS. That's promo code HIJENAS. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for not only sponsoring the podcast, but also sponsoring our pieces. Absolutely. Cuz, this is, I ordered, you know what? I ordered from Quince, again, two days ago. I ordered, like, five things. I did and my wife did. No lie. True that. What did the kids say? True that. No cap. No cap. No cap. Me and my wife, we've been ordering off Prince using our promo code. Quince. Not Prince. Did I say Prince? You said Prince. I meant Quince. Quince. You know what? Also, too, my wife been getting the sheets. She got all the bedding and all that. Like, she got brand new sheets. It's amazing. Like, you know, they're able to keep the prices low because they cut out the middleman. Yeah. That's what it is. So, you just. Basically, it's like you're getting what it should cost. Yes. But the. Everything. It's like a house. Like, the houses don't cost what we pay for them. It's just all marked up. Yeah, that's right. Same with Quince. They give you. It's the price of the item. Yeah. So, it shouldn't be a shocker that a sweater's $30. That's what it's supposed to be. And it's high quality. quality yeah so this is basically high quality for everybody it's very affordable um i only go to quince to do all my clothes and and uh uh linen shop yeah i do one other company in quince and i'm not even lying i'm not gonna say because we're doing their ad read but i do quince and you could also uh she also got uh plates like a kitchenware and they're awesome yeah so shout it out everything is built on quince to hold up to daily wear and still look good season after season uh plus they only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and that's just rigorous that's rigorous and ethical production refresh your wardrobe with quince go to quince.com slash hyenas for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada too that's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash hyenas free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash hyenas i put those in because it was a problem for me because i you know i gained weight like that i was gonna say you're a skinny mini well i've been running a lot right now but but i i gained weight really fast and i was talking to a friend of mine who who had lost a lot of weight and i was heavy at the time this is like two years ago i was what i'd made a stand-up special and i was in the edit room and i was like what the fuck you know when you you you see yourself and go oh my god what happened so i thought i better get and then i was talking to my friend who was on his mpic and he he said uh he said the great thing about it is that you don't have to worry about it you don't you know you just you know you're not hungry i went i don't eat because i'm hungry no i eat because i'm sad yes i need something to cheer me up yes it's like it's true it's like i haven't eaten since i was hungry since i've been 1975 yeah yeah it's not about did you ever try those that you ever try any of these things no i'd be the one who's spleen exploded yeah yeah no i i don't have any luck in that no that is true i mean you don't there is a point where you're full you're like you get enough your body has a lot of weight and you're like you're like you're like you're like you're enough nutrient and then the rest of it is emotional emotional it's just emotional there's like a line i hope ai can do that maybe is tell you when like there's a buzzer that goes off and go stop right like now you're doing it because you're sad that you're just gonna throw your phone across there you're ready yeah yeah this there's this app called zoe it's like this you know it's all about mindful eating they say people get fat and you know and i noticed too when i my nipples start to get puffy it's when i'm just eating and not thinking if i'm texting and eating you are unfiltered my nipples get that's what happens when i start to get a little okay yeah yeah that one weird tit i got a weird titty it's like okay but with the nipples have you had a doctor look at that because that could be a sign of gyno well no the gynecologist no yeah no the gynecomastia i but no the kid i since i've been a little kid i've just had puffy nips yeah all right but so also a disgraced rapper right yeah yeah yeah in the 90s but then who knew yeah yeah um so but they said that it's because you're if you're mindful if you say you know you eat your food slow it down you'll eat way less but a lot of times you're just eating and talking and doing something else right i'm very guilty of that me too yeah yeah well look at this we kept you here double the time did you ever have p diddy on the show i can't remember yeah yeah of course why the hell not any vibes i can't remember you know what let me let me tell you about that show there was once you ever see that documentary about uh leonard nimoy uh becoming spock it's a beautiful documentary made by his son it's beautiful um and it's it's just a it's a beautiful documentary about very interesting man and i watched it with my wife and and after i said god what an amazing character he was i i wish i'd had him on the late night show and pick it up he was on 20. yeah it becomes a blur a little bit right yeah yeah some people you just you're more memorable than others well no it's not memorable it's just it's just traffic yeah yeah yeah every day for years you're interviewing guys aren't going to remember me dude of course yeah was there any time you were sitting there and someone was talking you just heard ka-ching ka-ching like you were just thinking about the money going like ka-ching ka-ching i don't think so much no i don't i don't i honestly don't think that i'd like to be cool and say that was that but no i actually really enjoyed that job you look like you enjoyed it i love it yeah you look like i'm telling you i really you and uh conan were my favorites and maybe it's because it was the passion first i think also conan loved doing that as well i was on conan's show a lot yeah before i was you know doing a late night show and then also a little bit too i mean they're both great they were both obviously great but also the time slots probably allowed for a little bit more yeah this is a nice spelling by jesse ferguson f-u-r-g-i-s-o-n so yeah nice jesse jesse there was that there was a birthday party for me when i first started late night there was a birthday party for me in hollywood yeah right and i don't even do the show like i don't know it's six months or something and they brought this cake and said happy birthday crane kilbourne i'm like oh my god yeah that should be your pseudonym craig craig cleve born crane kilbourne what's he up to kilbourne yeah probably pod everybody's doing a pod yeah i'll be doing a pod everybody's doing a damn i like i like this is cool right a little bit more of a black comedy show yeah yeah you know when you got crane on your show yeah yeah i don't know if you're aware but there's tons of clips that go around uh of you from that show on uh like tiktok and the you know the short form just with with female guests you're always great with you like you were so comfortable with them and like there's only it's all positive yeah it's like you know the the interesting thing about that is because i've heard about that before and it's nobody gets the stuff that i was doing with a male guest yeah yeah some of the shit that we were doing look it's yeah there's tons of it yeah we're flirting with that yeah yeah yeah you know that's maybe not quite how i remember it but the but that kind of thing is like with i remember with hugh laurie and with isaac mizrahi and with john waters and like we would do some real crazy shit yeah well there's those two but for some reason that's not what you're interested in that's not what i'm interested in right no no i've seen those two and those are good but yeah i think internet just found some interest in this do you miss it at all now i know you left on your own terms of 2014 but do you ever go back to those are the best years of my life or how do you how do you think about no i i don't do that i feel like i'm very proud of that show and i'm very glad i did it and i'm i'm glad i don't have to do it anymore um it was it was a moment and i loved it yeah but and when i left i was like i'm not gonna do it again i'm not gonna i was fucking done yeah uh yeah and i and i remain i am enough fucking done to stay fucking done right right i don't resent it i don't regret it but yeah but i'm and it was a nice time you hit it with nice timing because that's when like the you know entertainment machine was still a machine you still got the views you still got the money it's just in our hours it's just you have to do this what we're doing because the machine is there sure but it's way less views way less money and then and then you might have to do it again and then you might have to do it again do things you really don't want to do and it's just like the the incentives don't seem as high as they were it is it is a strange time to be on our side of the business because you know you'll get in a room with tv execs and they'll want you to do things for very low money and then you just say no very respectfully and they can't believe it because the execs still think oh no but this is cbs but then you say but i'm gonna lose money and views if i do that they're showing me enough and then my and then even furthermore my our fans who we've who we respect so much and we've taken years to build then think you sold out and then they stop listening to your show yeah you you get less money less views and then you lose the thing you built so what's the incentive it's a very weird time there is another thing about it the the solace i always took with tv executives whenever i was talking to them i was thinking you're gonna be here for six fucking months right gone so then they move around faster fast yeah yeah i mean it's a it's a tough place to be i think tv executive how do you know you're being back in now like are you enjoying the new show like are you excited for it yeah right that's fun oh you're perfect for it right i'd love to do oh it's the best because you know you work inside a framework you know exactly what you're doing it you can riff as much as you like because there's rules you know so it's kind of like i think a framework is really helpful for creativity right so like when when i was doing late night there was one of the things we used to do whenever we swore on late night we wouldn't beep it we'd put a little flag up yeah and it would say like tootsie fruitsie or ooh la la or something like that and we would never have thought of that if they we were allowed to swear do you remember when the osbournes that when the aussie osborne family show you guys probably don't remember yeah yeah no no no but the when they beeped it it was much funnier than yes wasn't beat you know right yeah like yeah so i kind of like the the framework to work inside of it and game shows give you that yeah yeah i love game shows when does it air when can the people uh catch it uh it's uh it's uh eight o'clock eight o'clock on the cw on the cw guys yeah check it out i'm gonna check it out it's i mean if there's somebody who's gonna nail that it's gonna be you i think we did it and go back and watch join or die if you've if you've if you've never seen it's a great great show and janice was so funny on it that craig didn't even i i couldn't handle how funny he was and i i tried to to railroad his career yeah we're gonna get christian here and you know what i i feel like i did Here I am This has been All Yours All Yours with Craig Ferguson Thank you Craig Pleasure man Alright well that was Craig Ferguson I'm sure all the ladies and gay guys out there are still soaking wet What a great guy We're only going to do 15 minutes Yeah I had a feeling it was going to go good Because he's a comic He's a very smart guy And he's got an earring and he's parties And the truth of the situation is he's been sober 30 something years But he will drink again He will drink again at some point Unfortunately he will because he's just You know what I mean He's just going to have a couple of booze and get a blowjob from a 40 year old step mom He looks like he's got a fourth in his life It's what it is Or a trip to West Garden We should have said that Yeah if he wants to go to West Garden Craig if you're listening now that you live in New York We can get you early access VIP to a little place called West Garden Yeah I mean didn't you have that vibe when you were looking at him Like you got a four and five in you You can go two more Yeah because everybody's mom who's listening to this pod Wants to bang out Craig Ferguson big Yeah yeah and you know what You know what He just The women on the show when he did that show they just liked him Yeah because I saw those clips too It's no Nobody The internet is never saying he did anything bad It's always like these women The chicks were into him They want to bang him out big But he's a tall drink of water He's a handsome kid He had Doc Martens on and an earring Yeah With a three piece suit and tattoos all up the arm He's a different guy at night Yeah it's just what it is He's just a different guy at night And he's probably got a big uncircumcised penis Yes he does Because Scottish kids don't get clipped Yeah I mean the kid is He's doing a little press today Yeah But at night he's a different kid He's like He's a little like Nero It's just what it is He does something at night Yeah Yeah It's just what it is And now he's going to Dan Soder's pod That's what he's doing That's just what life has become As always at the end of every episode We welcome the newest members Who went to patreon.com slash history hyenas Where the real magic happens The ad free episodes happen The bonus episodes happen It's we are really off the rails We're doing another level there For the $25 a month level Where we read our text messages on air And it's one of the funniest things you'll ever hear And it will eventually get us all federally indicted So Here's what it is Welcome to the show Thomas Torn Then we got Stinky Winky Put Chris's pinky in my stinky It rhymes I like it Yeah Then we got ISO Marianas Trench Hashtag challenger Balls deep peace Wait whoa whoa Marianas Trench Marianas Trench Okay So we walked in When we can't disparage the friends and family Okay Because I think he's calling her Vag Who's Mariana? Mariana Atencio We had her on the show Oh yeah Yeah Oh sorry Yep yep yep I never heard it referred to As a trench Yes it's funny But it is funny We were trying to think of names with Craig Yeah I think he's calling her puss a trench Then we got stiff sweats And a stiff neck Okay Um okay Uh then we got It's called no king's protest Because it's all bitches List it Okay List it Then we got MXTT Then we got Chrissy sent Josephine To dog camp on a train Put it on the list It's just what it is It's not all wrong It's not all wrong It's a walked into one But it's funny It's going on the list Is that a walked into one? Leave it on the list for now Fine Coffee shop kisses I ordered from the secret menu Matthew Yeager Michael Durr Leaky roof from a horse's hoof He got kicked in the head by a horse Put him on the list It's just what it is Yeah it's very funny Yeah James Allen Then we got Frisbees can't resist A buy one get one free Palestine That is inventive Cause I think I'm gonna have to put it on the list Okay Yeah we got Sometimes See that's also too The thing about this show Is it depends what mood Yanni's in Yeah Cause sometimes people get listed Cause he's just in a good mood I'm in a good mood right now I took a little L-thionine Yeah Oh I What I just heard about that Yeah that's a good one You throw it in the coffee right? I think the The most evidence That uh Is about the thionine The magnesium And the vitamin D With the K2 The vitamin D K2 Those are the three everyone should take The thionine is Do you drop it in the cough? No what you do is You take it You know you can take it Once or twice a day Depending on how focused And calm you want to be Is that Oh it's the thiamine It focuses you It's a space giver Yeah but what I've been doing Is taking a little thing Called Sergio Shrooms And I've been on him And I've told you that How do they feel? They feel really good Even though I got Banged up on Saturday Yeah What they do is They're almost like CBD right? Yeah It just makes you feel like A little body Yeah yeah yeah yeah Well you get Just give it a little space Yeah That's all it is Do you feel like you have that space? I felt like I had that space Enough to drink nine tequilas Yeah Yeah So it's just what it is Cause you can run You can hide from a low dose But a low dose is looking for you guys It's coming But maybe we'll try a little L-thiamine Maybe we'll try a little bit of that Yeah Okay so we got Genghis John Andy Rivera Call My Girl Bush 11 But I've Seen Stranger Things Okay John Stott He's going for something Alright Annie Ruiz John Stott Prancer No. 3 On the Minneapolis City Bus A.K.A. The Somali Trolley We're in a wild mood today The Somali Trolley's a goodie Somali Trolley's a 10 We're just We're going wild today Isaiah Ordaz Jeremy R Dr. Ray Pissed M.D. Chris Ansa Chrissy Cum On Seattle Tranny Sea-Tac Sea-Tac Yeah Bruce Draxler Yeah Okay Bruce Shealy Paco Garcia Henry Tugay For the Dark Age Coyra George Pickens Cotton Oof Yep Ladder 14 Uh Calling Ice Deploys On Rice and Bean Leroy's Ass Man Call My Ass The Underground Rail Road Cause 10 Leroy's Just Ran A Train On Him On The List Ladder 14 Take Out The Catapult Yep Sling 'Em High Yep Alex S. Just Flew In From Minnesota And Boy Are My Arms Icicles He Tried Sorry Babe It Usually Lasts Longer Wait Sorry Babe I Usually Last Longer? Yeah Chicken Fig Yeah That's What It Is From Undercheese Charcuterie Hoard More Like a Chicken Fig From Undercheese Charcuterie Hoard From Undercheese Charcuterie Hoard From Undercheese Charcuterie Hoard tiktok oh he was trying to get paid exactly and then actual for real lawyer like called me and was like do you need representation i said it's none of it's real right they said they found the guy that is so internet that is so internet yeah holy macro um then we got might take my muzzy family waterboarding at guantanamo bay this summer that's a good way for them to spend a vacay it's what it is that's a funny kid's got some muzzies his family's making a joke i'm gonna drexler let me ask you this quick while i have it in my head what are the chances craig ferguson's pr team lets us put out that whole episode i think it's a hundred percent chance yeah i think he had a good time yeah but you think the pr might be like that's not okay no i think he's i think they know when they i think they know when they booked him for this that you know right it's just what you got to do right then we got frankie five angels then we got yanni stockings are for life not just for christmas drexler drexler almost there lou then we got all i wanted for christmas was a cutie saluti from lieutenant lolly plop and sergeant snuggles all i got was a root in my boot from a toot okay my eastern hemi gf makes me shower before a blowy okay you know i'm gonna put that on the list because it's very funny that he's calling a prostitute his girlfriend that's what it is and some people it's just what it is they go for a gfe the kid goes for a gfe a girlfriend experience that's what it is he pays a little extra for the gfe david rule drew patty in the hibachi spot moving wine glasses call me a gf and i'm like oh my god jerry glueless uh up all night bobbying my lee my dad won't say black athletes names right on purpose it's a character piece tim dylan state fair funnel cake farts drexler this is the story of a girl who fumed a river and drenched the whole world right gross fuhrer schultz made akash sing a slumdog millionaire we had that that's that one is a ppw from a long time ago yeah napoleon's tiny battle shorts lieroy pokes her guts because i piss on my nuts lieroy pokes her good oh i get it what lieroy's got a big pee pee cucks his girl out just right he can feel something his pee pee so small he pees on his you're gonna get drexler for that i supported my street sweeper gumar now my from under cheese is built up big okay street sweeper is what we see when you get the assy yeah or you could call it's more of a chimney sweeper is what it should be what it is it's more of a chimney sweeper bfg 9000 ron call me back last night was amazing so i'm happy you got it you got it you got it came in me please i'm a man okay yeah p.s i'm a man tyler bud gentrifiers neighborhood repair shop we get the dings out live 14 yeah can you repeat that one more time gentrifiers neighborhood repair shop and then quotes we get the dings out i mean it's that type of list we're going we're putting them on list yeah we're putting them on jess tim i'm just sitting good mood timothy mcneva big nasty it could be the funniest one cock ash sing uh kelly festuca is such a lawyer okay so that that's a kelly festuca is a comic from years and years ago she went back to australia i think so he's probably uh you know what dude fan is she still on the show no no right but to know that you'd have to listen to the show sam deets call chrissy d second toe gay because he pushes it don't get it nick ginger jewish guatemalan needs ice cream i'm gonna get you some ice cream i'm gonna get you some ice cream for half the family i got covid watching squid games pencil drop you like it asian show yeah uh i like it i'm a drexler though because you know they're korean so it's different and then last but not least the dog sonomal butt pirate okay all right good list though good edgy list edgy list so god and also just you know we see a lot of the comments your name has been read where again so many people join up and we're thankful you just have to keep listening sometimes these lists are months behind yeah so just listen every week yeah um all right here is the list it's called no king's protest because it's all bitches we're gonna we're gonna we're gonna chicken finger that okay chrissy sent josephine to dog camp on a train we're gonna walk into one that just honor how funny it was but we're gonna walk into one leaky roof from a horse's hoof we're gonna chicken finger that okay frisbee camp can't resist to buy one get one free palestine that's so funny we're gonna we're gonna drexler it okay um my eastern hemi gf makes me shower before a blowy we're gonna keep that one around okay gentrifiers neighborhood repair shop we get the dings out we're gonna keep that one around okay on the minneapolis city bus aka the somali trolley we're gonna get a key we're gonna make that the contender okay well right now you can direct to the previous two so drexler okay yeah so so drexler my eastern me gf makes me shower yeah and gentrify his neighborhood repair shop to get the dings out those are out because walked into one for that because the last one i think this is a contest because we have on the city but the somali trolley and then last but not least call my ass the underground railed road yes and leroy's just ran a train i mean this one is done right whatever you say in the comments this is done right yeah those are the two those are the two we honored the ones that almost made it any other day guys those are the two so it's between on the minneapolis city bus aka the somali trolley or call my ass the underground railed road because ten leroy's just ran a train on it you know i'm in a mood yeah i'm in a mood i want to do something we've never done what do you want to do i want to do co-mvp wow that's what i want to do wow i think this week because i'm not choosing between those two fucking first ballot hall of famers i'm just not doing it today wow boys i think we got a double i think wow how could you choose between that are you really gonna put somali trolley on the bench no are you gonna put somali trolley no you can't you can't do it wow okay so for the first time in history hyenas history we have two winners who are going to share their co-ppw co-pseudo-penises of the week linked forever linked forever go to history hyenas is back.com to see both your names up in lights the winners are on the minneapolis city bus aka the somali trolley and call my ass the underground railed road because 10 leroy's just ran a train on it i mean that's the way it goes is that a good decision good decision yeah you're the winners enjoy the episode tell your friends everything is continuing right now at patreon.com history hyenas if you don't know by now this is me and tommy's vodka it's called porosos for the bears and we want you to make friends there's nothing better than having a best friend that you can share secrets with share a cocktail with and you're gonna love this vodka it's got a smooth taste a beautiful finish and we taste tested a hundred different vodkas and landed on the top of the list of best friends in history hyenas on this one mutually and we were not wrong we have won two huge awards the usa spirits 2024 gold medal in the tasting alliance 2024 double gold medal it is a fair price it is an accessible price we wanted to make that for our fans we want you to enjoy it go get yourself a bottle and uh make it with soda we have a bunch of drinks over on the porosos instagram page that you can try but pick up a bottle at one of our finer retailer partners abc fine wines and spirit total wine and more specs or go demand it at your favorite liquor retailer do that at a bar go up to your favorite bar and go do you guys serve porosos when they say no they go damn all right never mind i guess i'll have a beer order a bottle and 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