All The Single Ladies: What To Stop Saying To Single People

[MUSIC] >> Maybe you're thinking, what am I doing here? This is not my thing, I'm not a church person, we get it. Maybe you've been hurt by church people or felt judged by Christians. Maybe you're not sure you trust the Bible or even believe in God anymore. Honestly, you're here as a favor to someone else. Trust us. We've been there. Some of us are still there. And that's okay. Our church is a place where you can come as you are, be yourself. And be honest about your hurts, your mistakes, your doubts. We aim to be the perfect place for imperfect people. Place where you can gather and grow, laugh and learn, help and heal. We hope you get a sense that God is good, that He is with and for you. Regardless of how you ended up here or what you did before you got here. We hope it's obvious that God loves you because of the way we treat you. And we hope you feel inspired to follow Him into a better future. We're really happy you're here. [MUSIC] >> We're going to have some fun this month. And so buckle up, it's going to be a lot of fun. But so glad that you are here and if you are new to South Hills. We take one month out of the year to talk about relationships. But one of the things that we felt like, man, we have failed that as a church. Is we talk about relationships, but hardly ever do we talk about singleness. And I think what's happened because of that is the church for, I would say an extended period of time. We have placed a kind of an unhealthy emphasis on marriage so much so that I believe it's become an idol, right? So that if you find yourself in a season of singleness, you kind of unintentionally maybe feel less than in an environment like this one. I don't believe that was God's design or God's purpose at all. And here's what we have found. Almost half of Americans, 50% of American adults are single. That is more than at any point in history. Now, it's surprising because you think of all the dating apps, all of the algorithms, all of the dating advice that exists in the ecosystem of social media and YouTube. And then there's all the unsolicited setups that happen. And it still seems like it's harder than ever to find someone. Then comes all the married opinions, the opinions from married people. About all the things that you as a single person need to fix, improve or change, because you don't really become an adult. Your life doesn't really start until you are coupled up. But is that actually true? And if it's not true, then what do you do with the waiting? What do you do with the loneliness and the desire and the hope and the heartbreak? What if this season lasts longer than you expected or looks nothing like you planned for? Here's a problem, even though nearly half of adults are single, the church has often treated singleness like a temporary stop on the way to something better. And I believe that mindset has led to careless, dismissive and even hurtful messages, even messages that maybe sound spiritual, but are missing the heart of the Bible and the way that Jesus calls us to treat one another. And so what if we've been wrong about singleness? And what if it's not a problem to solve or a season for us to rush through? This month we want to talk about singleness with honesty and dignity and from the lens of Jesus. And today we're starting by challenging the assumptions that we've inherited about singleness and asking, "Well, what would it look like for us as a community to look at singleness with clarity without shame or pressure?" I don't think there's a better place to start than with this. And if you're taking out the time of our message for a week one of this series, is what to stop saying to single people? What to stop saying to single people? And before we get into it, let me pray for us, Jesus, we love you. We thank you for who you are. We thank you for what you've done and what you're doing. God, we thank you that your word is a lamp into our feet, light into a path of prayer. That's exactly what it would be for all of us today, and whether you're in the room or joining us on mine, if you pray this with me, God, when you speak, I'll listen. And it's in Jesus' name we pray, and everybody said, "Amen, amen." If you have a mom like mine or grandparents like my mom, then you deal with the constant, maybe judgment of your appearance. And what I mean by that is still to this day, whenever I see my mom, whether it's face time or in person, the first question that comes out of her mouth is not how are you doing. The first question is, "Oh, man, you like you gain some weight." And really what she's looking at is she's looking at my face because my mom knows my deepest insecurities and she knows that if I am gaining weight, she knows where my body tends to carry that weight. And one of the places is my face. And so sometimes if we're in person, she'll like grab my cheek, "Oh, you're not working out, huh? You're not exercising, huh?" And without fail, like literally, yesterday, my son is face timing, my mom, and he hands me the phone because he's done talking to her. And sure enough, I take the phone and she looks at my face, and honestly, I think I just went to bed late, didn't sleep really great, and just was a little puffy. And she looks at my face, "Oh, you stopped exercising, huh?" Now maybe for you, it might not have been your mom, but maybe it was your grandparents. And what they said was something like, "Man, look like you finally filled out." That's their way of saying that you got them bigger, right? If you grew up with a grandma like mine, she tried to make it sound even nicer, and she said, "Oh, you're just getting big bonded, you're just getting big bonded." And the grandparents, they say the craziest things, right? Maybe for you, it was like, "Oh, I see someone's finally developed into a woman," right? And you're thinking, "Can you just keep those thoughts, like, don't save them out loud?" Right? It's a thing that we tell young kids, like, "Hey, everything you think about, you don't have to say out loud." Right? Now, here's the irony of some of the statements that you probably have been on the receiving it, "You spent all this time worrying that this thing about you is the first thing that people will notice, that it's all they see, that it's something to be embarrassed by." And you finally convince yourself that you are just overthinking it, and then your parent or your grandparent gives you a hug, and they say, "Oh my gosh, look, you've gotten so big, I can't even write my arms around you." And you're thinking, "I just, just got to a place where I was good." And suddenly, all of those feelings come rushing back, and for some of you, that's exactly why visiting your grandparents or your parents is complicated. You love them. They're good people, but those moments, those comments left you feeling exposed, awkward, and deeply uncomfortable. We all have things about ourselves that make us self-conscious, and especially as teenagers when it's, like, plainly obvious. You already know that you've put on a waiter, that your feet are big, or that you're not the academic superstar that you're sibling is. The last thing you want is someone pointing it out like it's new information. That's why some of you catch yourself again, saying to your kids' grandparents what you say to toddlers, "Hey, everything we think doesn't have to be said out loud, and somewhere along the way, the filter disappears." You don't ask for advice, but you're getting it anyway, and even if it's well-intended, it can feel condescending, outdated, and completely unhelpful. If you are married, here is something worth considering. There's a good chance that single people in your life sometimes feel around you the same way you used to feel around your parents or your grandparents. You're married, and you like being married, I hope. You think it would be great if the single people in your life got married too, and you vaguely remember them saying that that's something that they wanted, and so you want to help, but you don't know what to say, and so what happens is you say dumb things. We all do. Because you're married, you often don't realize how dumb it actually sounds. I know some of you thinking, "Well, what dumb things do I say as a married person to single people?" Instead of being vague, let's just talk about it out loud. I want to give you a list. 10 things that I think of the top 10 things that I have heard. Some of them I'm guilty of saying, like when I'm talking, I am guilty of this very thing. So I'm not talking to you, I'm really, I'm talking with you. I need this because I would love to think that I am like the matchmaker person, but I only have one successful couple that I've ever put together that's actually gotten married and my wife doesn't actually think I'm the reason. Even though I would beg to differ, I'm about one for a hundred, okay? So I'm not doing good, and partially because I probably said many of these things. Number one, I got 10 of them, go through them really quick. Number one, you're so great, why are you still single? You're so pretty and you have a job and you've got most of your teeth, someone should have snatched you up by now, right now that sounds like a compliment, but really it's a dig because what you're saying is there's got to be something wrong with you, that's why you're still single, what are you hiding, right? So while it sounds nice, really what it could be received as is like, well there's clearly something wrong because you got a job, you're good looking, you got all these things figured out, yet you're still single. But here's the truth, guess what, you can be amazing, you can be single and fully satisfied all at the same time. That is truth. Number two is this, I know God has someone perfect for you because the Bible says he'll give you the desires of your heart. The next time you hear someone use that verse and say I know God has someone for you because the Bible tells us he's going to give us the desires of our heart. Can you just lightly and politely and graciously and lovingly tell them, hey just so you know, you probably should learn how to read the Bible because you took that verse out of context. That verse was never intended to be about romantic connection. It's not a promise that if you want to spell so badly, God owes you one. The verse is really about when you desire God so much, guess what, you're going to receive, you're going to receive the fullness of who God is, period. Second, how do you know what God has or doesn't have for me, right? Can you see the future, right? Have you met the person that God has for me and if you have met them, why are you keeping them for me? That's what I would say to them. Number three is this, it'll happen once you stop looking for it. The same way that once you fired your realtor and stopped house hunting, all of a sudden somebody brought you keys to a house, right? Is that how it works, right? When have you ever found something that you weren't looking for? And if you did, how would you even know you were looking for it, right? If you didn't know you were searching, you probably walked right past it. That is not finding, that's a story that we tell after the fact. Proverbs 18 verse 22 says this, "The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and he receives his favor from the Lord." In other words, not everyone just magically finds someone and when people do, it's usually because they were actually looking. I've never asked anyone, "Hey, how did you meet your wife and have them respond with, "Oh, you know, I was sitting on the college playing video games and there was a knock at the door and there she was in a bikini and she said, "Do you need a wife?" Never really happened. Number four, you're just too picky. You're just too picky. Man, I'm so guilty of saying this one. But when you think about it, since when do we not screen people for important things, right? No one says, "You know what? I'm sure that's surging that I found on Craigslist, you can do the job." Right, we're picky about who cuts our grass. So if we're picky about who cuts our grass, you should be picky about the person that you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with. Right, here's what I'm saying. Don't be shallow, but I think it's okay to be picky about the right things the right way. And if you're wondering what those things are, we're going to talk about them in a couple weeks. Number five is this, have you tried dating apps? Of course they have. Like really, like, like, do you think they're living under a rock? Like, what are we doing? Like, you think there's a single person alive who doesn't know about dating apps, right? You barely know how to work your own phone. And you're asking them if they've tried dating apps, like, like, that advice lands, that question lands, like, someone telling you that they're hungry and you telling them, "Have you tried going to a restaurant?" Right, of course they've tried that. Number six is this, "I'm glad I missed out on online dating." Guys, I'm telling you, single people are tired of hearing that. And it's like going into a hospital and saying, "I'm glad I'm not getting a colonoscopy. I'm pleasant." Anyway, I'm going to go get some chicken wings. Right, God, we know. You don't need to say it to us, right? Number seven is this, "I know someone who's perfect for you." Really what you're saying to them is, "You obviously need someone." And clearly, you can't find them on your own, but don't worry because I've got you. And you're thinking, and you're looking at this person. You don't even know me. Right, and then they send you a picture of the person they're thinking about, and you're like, "You think?" That's what I. You saw me, and you know me, and you sent me that, and you can't respond. You can't really be honest because it's their cousin. So now you're stuck in this group chat that you desperately want to disappear from. Number eight is this, "You're just too intimidating." Right, maybe if you were a little less successful, maybe if you were a little less confident, maybe if you had a little bit less together, you would be able to find someone. As if the problem is that you're too good now. Right, you spent years being told that you weren't enough, and now you're being told that you are too much. That can't be the problem. Number nine is this, "I bet if you lose some weight." Really, you just told whoever you're talking to, what you really think about them. That's really what you did. Number 10 is this, "I wish I had more free time like you." You have now just made their singleness not about them, but about you, by making that statement. Right? And how do you know how much time they have? Maybe they're working two jobs, maybe they're getting a master's degree, maybe they're training for a triathlon, maybe they're writing a book. Here's what I know. Singleness has nothing to do with being busy. And on top of that, I think we can all honestly say that I think dating has objectively gotten much more difficult than it's ever been. Up to the 1950s, think about this, there's statistics that tell us a third of married couples up through the 1950s lived within six blocks of each other. One in six lived on the same block. By the late '90s, most people met at a bar, a church event, college, or some community center. Right? Fewer options back then, less stress. Right? He got a job. He's got a decent mustache. Let me lock that down. Right? It was just so much simpler. Right? Right? I mean, I'm being honest, right? Right? Right? From a Christian perspective, it's like he's got a job that mustache is all right. I can live with that. But he loves Jesus. Yeah. Right? And now you think about the world of dating. Today, most couples meet online, which means more options, but I think it also means way more confusion. And here's what I mean by that. People lie on profiles. They use photos from seven years ago. Right? They pretend to be someone online that they're not, you meet someone on Christian mingle. And you find out like quickly into the chat that they're not a Christian at all. They just, for some reason, want to sleep with the Christian. And you're sorting through profiles and it feels like you're sifting through resumes for a job that has the highest stakes. And even if you find a decent one, you still have to survive the endless text and DMs just to get in the same room and the back and forth drags until one of you gives up. And if you do meet, our brains have been so rewire by screens that basic social skills feel rusty. It's awkward. You don't instantly click. And with unlimited options, one swipe away. It's hard for us to push through the discomfort because surely someone better is out there. And so married people, are you starting to understand why it can be so infuriating? When after all of that, you corner them in the church lobby and ask them, when do you get married? The implication seems to be, if you're taking notes about this down, until you meet someone couple up and settle down, you'll never fit in fully belong or be a real adult. That is the unspoken implication that I believe the church has created for single people. But the pressure singles feel today doesn't match the advice that we're given in the New Testament. Look at what first John 412b says this, "But if we love each other, God lives in us. And his love is brought to full expression in us." In other words, I look at that verse, and what it tells me, and there's another person in this world that can complete you. There's not another person in this world that if you get together with them, if you marry them, if you get in a relationship, it's going to suddenly fix all of your problems. There is only one person who can fully satisfy you in his name is Jesus. He's the only one that can complete you. And so wholeness is not the result of a romantic connection. Wholeness is the result of finding your worth and identity in Christ and Christ alone. And if you're taking notes, here's our big idea today. You don't need someone else to fix you, heal you, save you, or satisfy you. You are complete in Christ. This is why Paul goes out of his way to say this in Galatians 3, verse 28. He says this, "There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." You could add to that list, married, or singles, the point he's making is there's no difference between us, but that if you're taking notes right this down, our cultural, social, or relational status doesn't determine our access to God or our value to our community. We are all equals in need of God, and we're to love, honor, and serve one another just as God has done all of those things for us. And so here's a question for those of us that are in the room, or whether you're watching online, here's a question for those of us that would say we're following Jesus for us to wrestle with. Do you think Christians have done a good job treating single people like their equals? Is this deserving of love, honor, and service as any married person? And if the answer to that question, as we think about it, as we wrestle with it, if we think the answer to that question is no, then I would say that we're not living according to the New Testament. Paul takes it a step further and he gives single people in his day, this advice. This is the advice that Paul gives to single people. First Corinthians 7 and 7 through 9, it says this, "But I wish everyone were single, just as I am, yet each person has a special gift from God of one kind or another." So I say to those who aren't married and to widows, it's better to stay unmarried just as I am. But if they can't control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It's better to marry than to burn with lust. Now, here's what may come as a surprise to you. People's urge and encouragement to Christians around the idea of marriage was solely based around self-control. That if you don't have self-control, if you lack self-control in the area of sexual desires and intimacy and all these things, if you lack self-control, you need to go find you someone that you can marry so that you can stay within God's design. Because God did design for sex to happen within the context of marriage. But Paul also makes it clear that if you have self-control, it might be better for you to be single. And here's what he adds a little bit later, verses 32, 35, he says this, "I want you to be free from the concerns of this life, and unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking about how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife, his interests are divided. In the same way a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy, embody, and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best with as few distractions as possible. And despite what other Christians may have said or the pressure they have put on you, Paul is clear about this. Marriage can be amazing. Singleness can be just as amazing. Both can make you miserable. I think it all comes down to where you are finding your worth and your identity. And what you choose to do with the season that you are in. And let's not miss this faith clearly does not favor married people. I think about maybe the two most impactful people when it comes to the Christian faith, Paul and Jesus and both of them were single. And so if you're single, here's what I want you to hear today. You are more than your age or your stage of life. You are more than a label or a stereotype. You are seen by God, you are known by God, you are valued by God, you are gifted by God. The church needs the gifting that God has placed on your life in this very season. I believe that God wants to speak through you and work through you just like we might think that he wants to work through a married couple. There is a divine gifting in you that this community is in desperate need of. You carry wisdom and perspective and insight right now that this community needs. And for those of us who are married, I want us to understand, if you're taking notes you're right this now, God expects us to treat the single people in spiritual community like family. God expects us to treat the single people in spiritual community like family. That has been a part of his plan and expectation from the very beginning. Psalm 68 verse 6, it says it this way, God places the lonely in families. He sets the prisoners free and he gives them joy. The family that he's talking about in this verse is not theoretical. It's a local spiritual community like this one, the entire New Testament, plants the church as a new kind of family. One that breaks down barriers and makes room for everyone no matter their relationship status. And this is why we're told this in Acts 2 verse 42, it says this, all the believers devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and fellowship and to sharing in meals including the Lord's supper and to prayer. And when this was written, the people who stood to benefit from this the most were single people. But it was never meant to be one sided. We as married people are called to invest deeply in the single people in our life. But the single people are also meant to deeply invest in us as married couples as well. So maybe you're here and you're wondering what do I say? Because I've said all 10 of those things you ran off thinking that it's good. So what do I say to single people, I want to give us five things and we'll end with this. Number one is this, I want you there. I want you there. Couples tend to invite other couples, parents tend to invite other parents and somewhere along the way single people just get left out. The numbers don't have to be even. That's what, single people like going to the part two. Single people like going to eat food at restaurants too. They like going to the movies. They like game nights too. Stop being weird and just invite them. Like I think the idea that like oh it's like two couples and you know how are the two single people going to follow. I think the couples think more about that than the single people. They just want to come hang out and have a good time. Like we are projecting that idea and that uncomfortability on them. So just stop being weird about it and invite them. Number two is this, how are you feeling? Mary people usually have someone to debrief their day with but every single one of us needs a place to process. So what does it look like for you to create space for the single people in your life to share how they're doing and what they're facing? Not just emotionally but physically too, because being sick is miserable and think about if you don't have anyone that's checking in on you, bringing food by or anything like that. So pay attention and be that person. Number three is this, what are you excited about? When something good happens, usually Mary people tell their spouse, single people, maybe don't have anyone to immediately celebrate those things with. And so ask them what they're excited about and that question alone tells you what should be celebrated and make it a big deal. Make it a dinner, make it a gift. Number four is this, tell them that they're doing a great job. Singles like everyone else need encouragement that they're moving in the right direction. People need to hear, I see the effort that you're putting in, I know it's not easy, but you're doing it. Take time to know their goals and notice the progress that they're making. Number five is this, is there anything I can help with? Because for Mary people, sure, you can rope your spouse or kids into helping you receive the lawn, build furniture, clean up the house. But someone who singles usually doing all of the stuff by themselves. And sometimes that help matters, like the help matters less than the presence. And just knowing that someone's willing to show up can make all of the difference and you can be that someone. Now to say and ask these things, you actually have to make space for real conversation and so do it. My prayer is that we would be the kind of church, the book of Acts describes, showing up from one another and loving each other well. And so here's the homework this week, taking notes you write it down, have a conversation with someone in a different stage of life than you and find out how they're doing and what they're facing. And so if you're married, what is it like for you to reach out to a single person in your life and just to genuinely say like how are you doing? Like what's going on? Like how can I pray for you? Is there any way I can support you, walk alongside of you, right? Maybe you are married and you have kids, but there's a married couple in your life that doesn't have kids. Maybe it's just saying reaching out to them and saying, hey, how are you guys doing? Because there are anything that we can do to support you guys in that season. I think one of the most rewarding things for test and eye in our life is when we were in New York, a lot of the married couples at the church that we were pastoring in that time and that season, a lot of them had young kids and we didn't have any kids. And what I found so odd is that we would always get an invitation to the birthday party. I remember the first time it happened, like honestly, you know my honest reaction, I was like, why are they inviting us? We don't have kids. Like why would they think we would want to go to their kids three-year-old birthday party? It would be an honest. And but we would go and man, I had the time of my life. It was so fun. And there was cake, like, it was great. But I can tell you, I'm so glad that they didn't think about like, man, they don't have kids. They wouldn't want to come. Because I think some of the most fond memories of New York City are these kids' birthday parties. Like I can think back to specific moments that happened at these kids' birthday parties. And I thought all of those families did an interesting and a unique thing where like even the friends of ours that were single would get an invite to the birthday party and they would come. And it wasn't weird. Like they just loved the kid. They loved the family. They want to celebrate the kid just like anybody else wants to celebrate the kid. And there was something that I think, like we can look back at that season and think about so many moments in that place where it was like, man, that was a unique thing and I'm so glad they invited us. And so I think we have made it more weird than it actually is. And so this week, what does it look like for you to reach out to someone who's at a different stage of life and just say, hey, how are you doing? Is there anything that you're carrying that maybe like I can help carry with you? And just see what God does. See what God does. But I also want to take a moment to apologize on behalf of the church to single people. I think we have failed you massively. Because usually the conversation is centered around marriage and relationships. And what that does is it places this unhealthy picture that marriage is the goal. When I don't believe marriage is the goal, finding wholeness in Christ is the goal of our life. A relationship status does not equate to wholeness in Jesus. A relationship status does not define you. And so I want to say sorry. And our hope is that through this series that we get better as a church at serving the single people in our community and making sure that you know we need you just as much as we need anybody else. That God has just as much purpose and plan for your life as anybody else. And we need your perspective, we need your insight, we need your wisdom, and we need whatever God is doing in this season of your life. And I want you to pray for us, Jesus, we love you. And God, I take a moment to just pray for all of us, irrespective of our relationship status. I pray that you would help us to search our hearts and to say where am I finding my worth? Am I finding my worth and my identity in the fact that I am a son and daughter of the most high God? Am I letting that be defined by things that at the end of the day, don't even matter. God, I pray that you would settle in our mind, our heart, and our soul that no person can complete us, no relationship status can make us whole. The only one who can is Jesus. And I pray that for those who are struggling with finding their worth in you, I pray this week as we leave this place, that you would overwhelm them with your love, overwhelm them with your truth that really what matters at the end of the day is who you say they are. Nothing else. And would you help us walk boldly and confident in that reality that no thing, no man, no relationship can change, that I am a son and daughter of the most high God. We love you. We bless you. It's in Jesus' name. We pray. And everybody said, Amen. Amen. [whoosh]