Alison Brie

Hi, it's Rick Glassman from this podcast. We'll get right to the show, but first I wanted to let you know that I'm on my stand-up comedy tour, Ricky's on the Loose, and I'm in Dallas this weekend. And if you're in Washington, D.C., Montreal, Quebec, Edinburgh, or London in the UK, Portland or Eugene in Oregon, Philadelphia, PA, or Houston, Texas, my tickets are for sale now at rickglassman.com. And if you want to be the first to be notified when I'm coming to your city because I'm adding dates as we speak, go to rickglassman.com slash tour, sign up for my email list, and I'll let you know. Hey, girls, get started without me. I'll be right there. Hurry up, Rick. Seriously, what are you doing? Please, I'll be right there. Now enjoy the show. The show, the show, the show, the show, the show. Unfortunately, we had to cancel the podcast with who I was supposed to podcast with, and a couple of supermodels came in instead. Wow, what a way to begin. Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. You're going to be here. Okay, great. Melissa, this is McCone. McCone, this is the public. I've been telling you about for months. I was ignoring you completely. Hi. Hi. Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. In case if she says anything she's not supposed to say, just go like this. Cut it off. Cut it off. Ew. Hey there. What up? Shit, shit, shit. Shit. Are we doing FaceTime, or are we just doing call? Okay. Zane. Zane. Hey, John Michael. What's up, dude? This episode is sponsored by Klarna. How are your shoes? Pretty good. I'm wearing them. I just wore them out last night. They're breathable and nice. They fit my feet well. Okay, well, we'll get into it later. We'll get into it later. Those are big shoes. But first, I want to let people know that they can download the Klarna app today or visit Klarna.com to learn more. Yeah. Anything else they need to know? Klarna balance account required, dude, to be eligible for cashback points as well. Good to know. This episode is sponsored by Helix. Go to helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash Tyso for 20% off site-wide. And when you go to the checkout and they asked who sent you, if you think about it, say the Take Your Shoes Off podcast sent you. They love to know how you got there. There's one thing I'd sleep on, and there's one thing I wouldn't sleep on. I'll let you think about it. We'll talk about it later in the episode. Whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve Man. Always has it. Uh-huh. Go to revolve.com slash Tyso to shop and use code Tyso for 15% off your order. Free two-day shipping, easy returns. It just makes everything easier. That's revolve.com slash Tyso and use code Tyso for 15% off your entire order. Offer ends soon. Don't sleep on this. Ricky's on the loose. I'm preparing for my special. I'm working my hour, and I might be coming to a city near you. This month, I will be in Washington, D.C. July, I'll be in Columbus, Ohio, as well as Montreal. Canada for the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. In August, I'm taking my talents to South Beach over in Scotland first at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Then I'm going to head on over to Amsterdam, then to Dublin, then to London for a week. I will be in Portland, Oregon, and Eugene, Oregon in September, as well as Philadelphia, PA, Houston, Texas, and Tacoma, Washington in October, and Salt Lake City in November. Do me a favor. Sign up for my email list at punchup.live slash rickglassman, or just go to rickglassman.com, and I'll let you know if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city. Thank you so much for letting me tell you about my comedy shows. I've been working really hard on it, and I would love for you to come check it out. Back to the episode. Allison, do you want water? Yes, please. Room temperature or cold? Room temperature, please. Thank you. Cowabunga. That's great. Is that Michelangelo? That is. Yeah, I know. That was a test for you. Well, right before you got here, I podcasted, I told you, with my friend Lamorne. That's right. Where we talked about Michelangelo, and that cup wasn't even there. Do you want me to wear these? If you want. Damn, I'm mutating like a turtle. Getting that brain. Talking crane. Talking crane. Bang. Shout out to crane. Shout out to Michelangelo. They all had their turn with April O'Neil, bro, but. Don't go. No. Alvin. All right. Okay. I don't really want to stay if Alvin's not going to. Okay. You can leave whenever you want, but let me see. Who is looking at the camera? Oh, you're going to be happy with this. All right. I'm going to take a shower. I'll be back in like eight minutes. We'll be right here. Alvin. What? What happened? How dare you? So sorry. You said, do you have multiple dogs? I didn't say that, but if I did, I could back myself up. I guess you said, are you good with dogs? Yes. Plural. And so I thought maybe there would be many. Oh, meaning like, are dogs something you're okay with? Like, yeah. As opposed to, are you okay with a dog? With a dog. Right. Yeah. Could you bring this a little down a little, so we keep that, we keep the goods. You got to keep that face on cam. Two, three. Rah. Testing. Two, three, rah. Are you going to wear your headphones? Every now and then I put them on. I'm sure Melissa told you, but at the end of every episode, we asked the guests to do a rap, a freestyle rap. Oh yeah. So we'll have you put the headphones on for the beat. That's right. Put them on for the beat. That's great. Of course. I don't, I realize I do not have. Yes. Yes. Yes. Now I do. Who cares? Melissa, can I hear you say, Rick, you're so funny. I miss working with you. Rick, you're so funny. Question for you. Is it the headphones or did that sound sensual? I think it's your headphones. Let me hear it again without the headphones. I wasn't hearing. I forgot what I said. Oh yeah. All right. You're right. See. So, so we don't bury the lead. Transformers. Jesus Christ. We don't bury the lead. That's the lead. You love, Transformers is what got you into this business. Everybody knows. Yeah. Yeah. Shia. Megan Fox. Megatron. Yeah. Which I used to get them confused. Bumblebee. Megatron, Bumblebee, Shia, and, um, Megan Fox. But I think those four might be forced for a build. True. Yeah. Your career started. You watched Transformers. That's right. Then I know you did a horror movie with some dicks and stuff. Mm-hmm. Many penises. Uh, are you okay with penises or are you okay with a penis? I'm okay with multiple. Wow. Yeah. Then you know what? I do have a couple of dogs here. Ay-yay-yay. I need to let you know something. Mm-hmm. Okay. I am in a, I'm on a frequency at the moment where I'm not going to pick up on any subtleties you might be throwing my way. Okay. Not sure if you are going to. Okay. But what I ask of you is if you're ever like, "What am I doing here?" Yeah. "Why am I doing this?" "Why am I doing this?" Or whatever. Yeah. I'm urging you to just go ahead and say that to me. You don't want any subtlety from me. Let me see what that would look like. If you're like, "I want to get out of here," or at least if Rick doesn't change the energy I want to get out of here. Okay. Let me see that subtle and I'll tell you if we need a bigger. Okay. Here's the subtle version. Okay. Nope. That's… I would pick up on that. That wasn't subtle enough? Are you… Here's the subtle version. Ready? No. I wouldn't have if I didn't know. Okay. But I saw what you did. Okay. Good. See, I'm an actor, so I'm good at taking notes. And I sense from you that I went too big on the first try, even though I was trying to be subtle the first time. And now that's something we know about me as a performer. Say that again, word for word. See, what I did there was I'm an actress, so I take notes and what happens is… I took the note and then I… Now we all know that I wasn't subtle enough. I didn't know that I wasn't subtle enough the first time and that's something we know now about me as a performer. I psychoanalyze on the show. And I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think I could guess a number that you're thinking of. Okay. And that number is you assumed it was too much because I recognized it, yet what I was asking of you was to make it enough to where I could notice it. So you did it exactly what I was asking for. You were sort of asking for the most subtle version to see if you would notice the subtle version. And I kind of gave you a medium version. Okay. Well, you're right and I'm wrong. And for the rest of the show, I would love for you to not be any more subtle than that first version you gave. Okay. Unless we're playing a game where you need to be even more subtle. Okay, so right now, am I picking up on it right? No. He-Man, not Transformers. That's right. But… I'll go. I was going to do a nice segue, which is there's a movie called Bumblebee that was directed by Travis Knight, the director of Masters of the Universe, the He-Man movie that I… And I am doing a podcast with somebody who's in that movie. I did a show on Amazon with Sosie Bacon, Kevin Bacon's daughter. I just met Sosie Bacon at Kevin Bacon's house because I just did a movie with Kevin Bacon. And I was like, "What? How many degrees?" "Zero." "One." "Bitch." Isn't that one? I guess. Is it one? - I am Kevin Bacon. - Then a zero. - Yeah, yeah. - Kevin Bacon, you're being really mean to me right now. - I'm actually not being mean. I feel like you're misreading the situation. - May I see your meanness a little more subtle? I'm sorry. I just read every thought you had and we could talk about whatever you want to talk about after the podcast. - Okay. Great. - So you know Kevin Bacon from a movie you did with him. - That's right. - And now you're in "He-Man." - Yeah, and I know Socie Bacon also. - Because she's his daughter. - That's right, and we hung out. - Do you ever make friends with somebody, whether they have a child or a sibling, or a parent that you might meet, but you make friends with this person first, then you meet their kid. And even if their kid is your age, you feel like they're the age of what your kid would be because you're peers with their parent. - Totally, yes. - Oh, nevermind. Will you tell me more about it? - Meeting Socie Bacon? - No, like when I go home to my parents' place before they sold it, and it's my neighborhood where I grew up, and my parents are friends with the neighbors who are all my age, - Mm-hmm. - and I go home, and then my parents are talking to them, and then their kids, they're like eight, nine-year-olds, are playing basketball, and I'm like kicking the ball away from the kid who's not passing it to his brother 'cause I feel like I need to stand up for his little brother. I'm like, "This kid's, what the fuck, man?" And like, "Rick, those are eight or nine-year-olds." No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm grandfathered in because I'm the kid of the person whose house it is, and so is this person. So I feel like the people who are actually sometimes younger than me who have the kids are older than me 'cause they're my parents' friends. - Thanks, man. - Yeah. - If I'm being totally honest, I think I sort of zoned out or something in the middle of what you were saying. - I can say it again. - No, please don't. Don't say it again. But you lost me at eight or nine-year-old. I thought we meant more like you're working with someone and they're like 60 or 70, and you have a rapport with them. - Kevin Bacon. - And then you meet their kids, then they're your age, but you're like- - They're younger than you. - You're like, "Yeah, oh honey, let me give you some advice." - Yes. - But where do the eight and nine-year-olds come in? - I'm saying at my parents' house where I grew up. The eight or nine-year-olds were the neighbors. The parents were my age. - Right. - So those, but because the parents were friends with my parents, I'm the kid. - And you gotta hang out with the eight and nine-year-olds. - I'm not gonna hang out with my parents' friends. - Yeah. - You know, it's not a logical thought. It's a, well, it's like, I don't, they don't want me around. I'm a little kid. I'm one of my kids. I don't know what they're talking about. They're talking about jobs. - What did you do with the eight and nine-year-olds basketball? - I'll tell you when the camera's off. - No. - I'll tell you now then. - Yeah. - Yeah, I played basketball and the older brother is, you know, maybe three years older than the other ones, which is significant at that age, even more than ours. And I noticed that the older brother, I'm 29, how old are you? - 29. - The older brother was, I took it as, 'cause I was projecting, bullying a little bit, the younger brother. - Oh. - And he's not letting him shoot and he's not doing this. And he's like, "Give them all, no." You know, and then he makes it, when he makes it, he doesn't give the ball back. It's like, when you make it, you give it back. That's what you're doing. He just made it, give the ball back. And the little brother's fine with it. And since they are, I'm the kid also, I'm like, "Hey, Pat, give him the ball." - And then what happened? - The parents looked at me and said, "Nobody's ever talked to our boy like that." And I said, "I'm not nobody." And I think I earned their respect. And then I hooked up with the mom. - Which was like hooking up with your parents, basically. - Oh. - Sorry. - What was it like working with Kevin Bacon? - Oh, awesome. He's so awesome. - Tell me the truth. - He's so awesome. - Did he ever play the guitar for you? - No. - Let's see, where are my other questions? I have Kevin Bacon's daughter. - Good, we can cross that one off the list. Smile, remember that movie, the movie "Smile"? - Yeah, oh, I thought you were telling me what some of these pigs in the industry keep telling you. - Always, fucking men, am I right? - Do you believe, like I do, you know what, as leading, nevermind, I'm gonna ask you a different question. - Okay. - Is God a man or a woman? - Oh boy, pass. - May I answer? - A woman, obviously. - Oof. - You don't think so? You think a man could have made this? - I mean, first of all, no. Secondly, I didn't come here to talk about God. I came here to talk about masters of the universe. - And you tell me how those things are not synonymous. - Well, much like with our dog scenario earlier, one is singular and the other is plural. - So do you not believe that there are many gods? - No, I don't believe that there are many gods. - Also, my picking up on you really don't want to talk about that? - I don't know. - 'Cause that's really all I have. - I mean, many gods? - Masters of the universe. - I mean, like, actually, we kind of make a point to be like, masters of the universe, like, they're not gods. Like, they want the strength of gods, but they're actually not. And when you see the movie, you'll get that. - So you're obviously just talking about Austin in the manosphere? Got it. - Also, what's it called? Like, A/B test that one, and then do a different one where I say, "God is a man." Now, masters of the universe. The reason I was thinking Transformers is because when I was a kid, I played with action figures. I had my core action figures, my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and my X-Men, and I had my supplemental action figures, which were Transformers, He-Man, and Terminator. - Ooh, there was Terminator action figures? - Nobody, I don't, I don't, I, yes. And when I talk action figures, I'm the only one, this is, you grew up with this. This is the, I'm the only person that had them. And why I loved them was because the legs would do a 180 split. So when you're doing bubble bath stuff, you could hold them by the head and spin them like this, so they kick like this. - But was it like Terminator 2? Oh, good. Did you have Linda Hamilton? - I'm gonna be, I'm gonna come across as unlikable, but I didn't have, the only women action figures I had were in the X-Men collection and April O'Neil. - Who's April O'Neil? - From the turtles. - Oh, totally. - I didn't, now I'm testing you. - I like Michelangelo. Michelangelo was my favorite. I had a Michelangelo backpack and a pillow. - Why was it your favorite? - I don't know. What makes them distinct from one another? - Michelangelo was the most like, - Cool. - Like your husband. - Funny. Oh, you think my husband's cool? - I think your husband of, if you had to pick a turtle, I bet you, if you texted him and say, what turtle, I'm not asking, do you, would you like to be? I'm asking what people, who would, how would other people cast you as what turtle? I think even if you didn't say that, even if you said a cartoon character, a fair amount of people would say Michelangelo. - About my husband? 'Cause he's like hot, he's cool, he's funny, he's kind, he's good at what he does. Everybody loves him. - Those are the basics. - That's what people say about Michelangelo? - Yeah. - Whoa. - He's also the most just like to use your language, totally. - Yeah. - You know, he's just, he's on the skateboard. - Yeah. - You know, while like the other heroes in the half shell are doing science projects and working with their sword and just being, pardon my language, but Raph is a. - Oh, whoa. - He doesn't care. - I was gonna say fucking nerds. - Not Raph, the other three are. - Oh, okay. What? You're saying Michelangelo's a nerd? - You don't think that your husband, part of what makes him likable is that he is kind of nerdy? - I actually don't think he's nerdy. - I don't know him. I'm just based on the vibes that he gives off. - You think he gives off a nerdy vibe? - Yeah. I also am noticing that you and I have a very different definition of what nerdy is, I think. - What's your definition? - Nerdy is like, oh, I'm a nerd. - Oh, mm-hmm. - Nerdy is like people that are- - Like yourself. - Yeah, I didn't advise one. Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I was thinking more of like- - I have magic cards on my stand. Did he play, does he play like that kind of stuff? - No. - Yeah, I'm wrong then. - He was more collecting like basketball cards and baseball cards. - Right. - Yeah, that's just because I just love the sport. I never really collected the cards. - Oh. - Yeah. Do you think if I, instead of playing with magic cards, I played with basketball cards, more girls would want to, what do you say? Suck me and fuck me? Hook up with me? - Did you do like a SF combo? S-fuck me, s-fuck me? - I never, suck, suck me. - S-fuck me? - Suck me, fuck me, and want to be my girlfriend. Not necessarily in that order. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Can I tell you something though, jokes aside? - Yeah. I have a Michael Jordan rookie sticker in my safe at the bank. Okay. Just add that. Does that make it more or less? All the information. A rookie sticker. And it's still like in its plastic. It's graded in a PSA case. I mean, I'm down with that. It's more that the women are going to want to fuck you more, I think, now. You're saying the specific with the S and the F in the same word. I'm putting suck and fuck together because I just feel like you want both. Hey, I'm in the same business as you. Yeah, yeah. It's like also I don't have a ton of time. You know what I mean? Gotta abbreviate. Now you sound like Sosie Bacon. I know. She just doesn't have a lot of time. She doesn't have a lot of time. She's busy. When you were coming up in this game, maybe even younger, maybe high school, and you're starting to look at boys. You looking at boys in high school? I mean, yeah. Do you like high school boys when you were in high school? I mean, high school boys like me. I don't blame them. All right. What do you want from me there when you say something like that? I'm married. What's the best case scenario of something I say? I'm married. I'm not. I'm just saying. And I'm not a high school boy. Clearly. What is that supposed to mean? I think we all know you're not a high school boy. Tell me what gives it away. Without looks. Not looking at looks. Just like your own apartment. Townhouse. I own it. Wow. Okay. And I have a Michael Jordan rookie PSA 9 in the safety deposit box. We're back. We're back, baby. When you were looking for boys, when you were on the prowl, when you first started doing it, is there anything? Is there anything that you were looking for that you were attracted to that remains the same today? And is there anything that completely changed? Good question. Oh, that is a good question. Is that a real question? We're getting in the pocket. Sense of humor. Is something that kept. Yeah. You got to be fun. Like fun to hang out with. I think when I was in high school and still currently, it's like you'd want a guy. You'd want to, someone that you could would be buds with that was like your best bud. And that's who I wanted to date. That's what your mom says to you. My mom always says when I was a little kid, you just find your best friend. You marry your best friend. That's true. Yeah. That's right. I'm such a nerd. No, no. I know about the sticker now. Wow. You're great. You're cool. Now I, now I think I'm reading your sarcasm, right? You're pretending that that's cool, but you don't actually think it's a big deal in the negative, right? I honestly think it is cool. Yeah. I think it's like cool. That to me, I agree. Not the same to probably collecting, having cool stuff like that. That to me is, is a, is a nerd. Is somebody who collects stuff and is really passionate about it and loves those things. Even if other people judge it. Totally. And that actually is cool. I mean, look. I know we've gotten on this tangent, but like, I don't knock nerds. I'm a nerd. I was, I was a nerd. People are nerds. Our entire industry is people that were nerds. Nerds are interested in shit. Joe McHale was never a nerd. That's true. Joe McHale. Actually, I don't know if, I don't know if this is something that's like hyperbole. I think this is true. I don't remember what he told me, but when he was born, he actually punched out. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he gets away with it. But punched out the video. He punched out the vagina. Not, it wasn't C-section. Oh, shit. I assumed it was vagina. He came out fist first through the vagina. So it's like not, it's not as strong. Like there already was an opening. I always pictured it was the vagina. I didn't even think about the C-section thing. Oh. I just pictured it's like he would just come out like. Just like fist first. Like how Italians or some people say, hey, get out of my, you know, don't cut me off on the road. Yeah. Or like that women's Rosie the Riveter. Yeah. We can, we can do it. Yeah. Rob Schneider took it from Rosie the Riveter. Singularized it like you with your gods. Oh, wow. You can do it. Pretty brilliant. So I remember seeing you on We Might Be Drunk talking about that you're for abortions. Go on. I think it's important that we don't lose the narrative and we have a voice and we let people know that what's going on right now with our government telling us that we do not have a choice, what we, we being you and, you know, some of the other girls I fucked got to get to do with their body. Yes. Okay. And I am, I just want to use my platform where there's a lot of guys with microphones out there saying hateful shit. I believe that we need to have affordable, safe woman health care services, planned parenthood, unplanned parenthood, as they should have been calling it. And I think that not only do we need to have, you know, we need to have, you know, we need to wake up to our government, uh, pitting, not the black versus the white or the Jew versus the everyone else, but the elite, the rich, not the millionaires, but the billionaires against the, the lower, you know, everyone else. And, uh, I want to know if that's something that you want to talk about with me as a, as a woman in this business who I maybe, you know, I cast, you know, your husband as a cool nerd and maybe I'm way off. But I look at you as a Rosie, the riveter type. Wow. Thank you so much. I feel like you should play her in a rom-com. Me too. Not that I believe you. That's something I want to talk about. Let's get that going. Uh, years ago, I wrote a Rosie, the riveter rom-com because it's because we never, it's kind of like Paul Rudd. He seems like this nice guy. And then there's clips of stuff that comes out that, that things happen. He's just, he has different sides to him. We don't know yet much about Rosie, the riveter. Her. Her romantic, uh, escapades, her, her, her, her, um, her, her, uh, her softer side. I think it's like Rosie, she's working at a bandana factory. She goes like, wait, we don't have to just wear these around our necks. We could roll it up, tie it, wear it around our head. Yeah. Like Tupac. Exactly. Who was a huge advocate for Rosie, the riveter. And he's the love interest in the movie. Now, question for you. Does this take place in the forties? When I'm assuming Rosie, the riveter popped off, or I guess it was that world war two, the thirties or the one twenties. Yeah. I think it's two. Was it the thirties and Tupac was in the, now I don't know hip hop very much, but I'm assuming the sixties, seventies, the nineties, I'm talking about all those influences, one POC and POC. So does the, in this world is Rosie, the riveter really old and, uh, which is fine. I think old women are beautiful. It's an age gap romance. Rosie, the riveter is very old, but she's still wearing the bandana. Tupac is volunteering at her home. And here's the thing. They go to the home. May I please, okay. They go to the home and it's just, it's, it's it. The only reason it's not run down is because it's here. Anything below it's like, this is, this is cruel. It's bad. And Tupac keeps going in there to try and change certain things. And he goes in there and he's frustrated because he sees no changes. He looks around and he sees all of these racist faces and this misplaced. Hate that's pardon my language, but it's like, it's, it's, it's a disgrace to all the races. You're saying everyone in the home is racist. Well, it also isn't this curiosity, this wonder. He wonders what he takes to make this. We want to keep the movie light. We want to keep it light. May I pissed one idea? Okay. Make it one better place. Least we see raced is wasted. I mean, great. I think it's more like Tupac wants to make music, but nobody believes in him. But you know, when he's, he's like singing to himself when he's like cleaning Rosie's bedpan. And she's like, you got a great voice. You're going to go somewhere. And then she flexes her little arm and he's like, oh my God, that's like Joel McHale's fist coming out of his mother's vagina. Or he isn't famous enough to people to know that. Right. I'm shutting you down. You're right. I'm wrong. You're right. And I'm wrong. And I ain't mad at you. Joel McHale was definitely already born in the nineties. Tupac is obviously friends with him in this movie. Joel McHale is the best friend, trope, classic. Playing himself. Yes. As like, you know, he's doing a sketch comedy. He's just like trying to make it. He's in, the movie's set in Seattle. Since he's supposed to be in his twenties, could I play Joel? No. Maybe this will change your mind. Please. This episode is sponsored by Revolve Man. You've probably heard of Revolve Man. If you're a woman, probably because it's a hot, it's a hot, uh, shopping, shopping network. I know. I mean, I, before Revolve Man even came to me, I didn't know that they did men's clothes. I knew of this app. I know people that use it. Oh yeah. Wow. They do do men's clothes. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been buying stuff on it. So when I first found out about it, I used it just to like, to better understand how it works. But now like, it's kind of a thing I go to. I like clothes. I got into clothes a couple of years ago. There's certain brands I like. Revolve gets new stuff. all the time, you could say it's constantly changing and adding to their inventory. Free two-day shipping. I've been ordering stuff from them where like, oh, I like this. I don't like this. The idea is almost like trying it on. I don't feel bad if I'm ordering stuff just to try on. Hey, John Michael, who is the Revolve Man? Think of it as a place guys who care about how they look go to shop. It's pretty simple. So if you're looking for something to wear for a big night out, a wedding, a trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, believe me, Revolve Man has it. Free two-day shipping, which is awesome. Easy returns. Awesome. You just try stuff on. Offer ends soon. Do not sleep on it. However, I have an idea of something that you should be sleeping on. And if you remember from earlier in the episode when we talked about there's something I sleep on and there's something I don't sleep on, I'll give you a hint. The thing I don't sleep on is this deal. The thing I do sleep on is. John Michael, what would you guess? A Helix. Your boners are harder. Your vagina is easier to get penetrated. No, I don't need to talk about that stuff. Yeah, let's not. Yeah. It's true. It's true, though. I mean, you do know that, right? When you're on a Helix. You know, if you want a Helix or if you're just looking for a mattress and you're not so sure, if you go to Helix Sleep, you could take their two-minute sleep quiz, answer questions like you prefer to sleep on your back, your side, you run hot, you like firm, you run cold, you like soft, whatever it might be. They will find the mattress that they think best fits you. They will deliver it to you. John Michael, if you don't like this mattress, you have a hundred days to send it back. No. No questions asked. Free of charge. They'll pick it up from you. No questions asked. Now, if you go to helixsleep.com slash tyso, you'll get 20% off site-wide. That's Helix Sleep. H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P. H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P.com slash T-Y-S-O for 20% off. And when you check out and they say, who sent you? Say they take your shoes off podcast sent you. We love it when you do that. We sent you, baby. All right. Snap. This episode is sponsored by Clorna. Clorna allows you to take purchases and split them into different payment options. That's not all it offers, Rick. Clorna offers value, transparency, and control. Which one? Value, transparency, or control? All of them, man. Well, what about surprises? There's got to be some surprises. There's no surprises, Rick. I know you're always thinking about that, but there's none here. Yeah, I'm looking. It offers value, transparency, control, and no surprises. How is that possible? That's Clorna, baby. That's Clorna, baby. That's Clorna, baby! When you were here, you bought a pair of shoes using Clorna. I did. What was that like? It was super easy. I bought the shoes while we were sitting there. I remember. And they were some big shoes. They were average-sized shoes. I was only in L.A. for two weeks. In two days, I got them before I had to leave. I threw my other shoes out, and now they're my primary shoe. Why'd you have to throw your other shoes out? I wanted new shoes, and that's why I got them on the podcast. Is it fair to say that the other shoes that you threw out were ones that you didn't purchase with Clorna, but the ones that are your everyday are Clorna? Maybe it's a coincidence? More than. What did you say about it? Don't worry about it. So you've probably seen Clorna as a payment option at checkout, but did you know that Clorna not only helps you manage payments, you could also use it to earn cash back and perks? It's true. Download the Clorna app today or visit clorna.com to learn more. California resident loans made or arranged pursuant to a California finance law license. John Michael, do you know the number? I'll give you a hand. It's NMLS number. Um, I think it's 1353190. That is correct. Clorna balance account required to be eligible for cash back points, limitations, terms, and conditions apply. Can I play him? Can I ask can I go in for it? No. You're just not right. I'm so sorry. But you could play. Oh, well, now definitely not. I think you could play like, um. Rosie the Riveter's Poop. Yeah. That would be great. That would be great. Wow. I wasn't even going to say that, but now that you said it, I can't unsee it. You were going to say I should play Rosie the Riveter's Poop. I was. Because it's a pretty inspired idea. And, like, I wasn't even sure where the poop story was going to go, but now I think you know, no lines, obviously. No dialogue. Like, poop can't talk. Honey, I played the tree in every high school play I was in. I know no lines. See? You're doing it great already. I mean, you're talking too much. Usually do. Great. I like this. Rosie the Riveter the Rom-Com honestly is a great idea. Thank you. We could show the tapes that this was my idea. I think it was my idea. Swipe to when it first was acknowledged. I look at you as a Rosie the Riveter type. Wow. Thank you so much. And I feel like you should play her in a Rom-Com. Me too. We'll swipe back. We'll do one of each in case you were right. We'll do that first, and then we'll do it if I was right. We don't really have to because I was right. The Rom-Com idea was mine. Okay. I believe that that's, there's a, I believe that might be the case. Hey, great idea. Maybe it was your idea. You know, hey, it's for horses. She just said some terrible stuff, but we edited it out, and instead we swiped to a horse cock. Was that, am I reading it right? I'll never know. I'll never know. See, what I did early was I gave you a pretty loaded example, so you'd be expecting something a little bigger. A little bigger? And then I decided to go much more subtle for the rest of the podcast, and you'll never know the truth. But I want to actually, I want to, as playful and serious as that was, I would like to shine a little magnifying glass on the truth of that, and I'm being sincere if we can talk about your jokes, but what was real about it. Please. Okay. I forgot. Fuck. This is going great. You've probably heard of Revolve Women, if you're a woman probably, because it's a hot shopping network. It is hot. I mean, before Revolve Men even came to me, I didn't know that they did men's clothes. I knew of this app. Oh, yeah. Wow. Look at that. Yeah, and I've been buying stuff on it, so when I first found out about it, I used it just to better understand how it works, but now it's kind of a thing I go to. I like clothes. I got into clothes a couple years ago. Revolve gets new stuff all the time. You could say it's constantly changing and adding to their inventory. I don't like this, where the idea is almost like trying it on, so I don't feel bad if I'm ordering stuff just to try on. It's pretty simple. Easy returns. Awesome. Offer ends soon. Do not sleep on it. What was real about it? Got it. Because you said something like, and now you'll never know because you're being nice or you said something like that, right? Like you're being subtle, so now I never know because you want to be nice. Didn't you say something like that? I don't think I said anything about being nice. What was the reason you were making it more subtle? Well, the original reason I felt was more of an acting exercise. Now it's more of a mind game that I'm playing with you. Right. That's enough to lead me into this. Great. So, if you were, right, which you may or may not be feeling uncomfortable and that discomfort might not be a negative. That might just be a place to play in and either could exist. But with that being, with there being a truth to you feeling that way and maybe it would be better if you weren't feeling that way for you. Maybe I would like to not be feeling this way, right? You being subtle because you don't want to be like, hey, Rick, you know, whatever is, is that do you feel is a polite thing to do? And is it in service of me or of the product? Does the question make sense? I know. It's more a matter of caring than sense, but not caring. Yeah. I see. Yeah. I sometimes think that maybe I care too much. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Oh, Alvin. Oh. I don't want to be any different than that. Good for you. And then, That was the lesson I was teaching. See, it's not about being nice. It's just about being in the moment. It's just about gauging your opponent. That's what I'm talking about. And it all comes out. Mastering the power of the room. Masters of the universe. We'll put it in. You see me as an opponent. I see you as my partner. Okay. Let's do it that way. Okay. And begin. Would you like me to take you to the airport? No. That's okay. If you ever consider when you're going to the airport to allow me, it isn't me doing you a favor. I sometimes feel better if I feel like I'm of value. So not that you need me to take you, but if it's ever, you really don't care. I actually would like to. You legitimately take people to the airport? We're improvising. Gulp, gulp, gulp. I don't, I don't really do improvising. Oh, I've noticed. Well, at least not with your opponents. Come to me, camera. Come to me. Back to her. Back to me. Back to her. Let it rest. Partner. What was it like working on He-Man? Great. Okay. So fun. Is it true that He-Man is, I don't know if you're allowed to talk about it. Do you feel comfortable talking about his sexuality? The character or the actor? The character. Oh, yeah. Did you do the referee? Do you know that He-Man's gay? No. Yeah. Oh, great. That was the original. They actually, there were some issues with it and they changed it into some of what it is now. And I could talk details in a second, but it was the original intention of getting behind people's identity, sexual identity. And the pronouns. And he identified as He-Man. Oh, yeah. Because he didn't have a father growing up and he felt like he was always an adult. The opposite of boys to men. He didn't have a father? What about King Randor? Yeah, exactly. I don't know if when your father's a king, if he is prioritizing going to all of your baseball games or your pottery classes. Totally. Totally. Great. So He-Man's gay, huh? Yeah. Great. Yeah. So. But that doesn't come up on the press stuff. Isn't that odd? I don't think it's that odd. You think people just have to talk about their sexuality all the time? I think when somebody has had to change their identity for the public and has their story been suppressed for so long and then so many years later, a movie's coming out and you don't even acknowledge it. Yeah, I think there's something wrong with that. It's not like you have to see the movie before you weigh in. Okay. I asked for a screener. No, no, no. You got to see it in the theater. I would go bring it to a theater. I'd be like, I got this podcast. I'm begging you. Let me use theater six. Do you guys have enough money? And if so, have you put it into something where you have like a theater room? We don't have a theater room, but we have like a den with a large TV. That's where we watch movies. How big? I don't know. I don't know. And I'm not going to go there with you. Okay. Mine's 77 inches from the ground. About. That's a good size. Yeah. That's nice. I do feel like. What is it though? Is it LED? Is it OLED? I think more than the size, it's kind of how you use it. Do you agree? Do you have like a Sonos sound bar? It's not. It's a townhouse. I share walls. Or as I like to think of it as I'm collaborating with my home. So you have to listen to your movies quietly. I've never had anybody bang and say, Turn your fucking volume down, you fucking freak. But do you watch with subtitles on? Turn your fucking volume down? Sometimes. Yeah. But not because. I always have it as loud as I want. Oh, okay. Good. You're never for want of sound. No. Yeah. No. Sometimes I'll watch. I'll be watching something and I have it at the volume I want. And then I'll go, I've been living here for almost six years. I've never pooped in that bathroom. That's not my bathroom. Oh. That's the guest bathroom. Yeah. And it helps me when guests want to use it. That's not even mine. It's like. It's like an easement. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah. But you pee in that bathroom. I'm a guy. So I will go upstairs to go poop and I'll come back down and I'm like, This is so loud. And I sound like my neighbors if they were to. So yeah, I listen to it loud. Great, great, great, great, great, great. Yeah. When's the last time you watched Interstellar? I watch it probably once or twice a year. Twice a year? I'm a nerd. That's right. Great. Do I look like Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, that's why I brought it up. All right. Yeah. That's my impression of Matthew McConaughey if he just gave up. Oh, do it again. All right. Very good. Very good. Very good, as he would say. Why do you. How many people do you think are known for that? You know, like, I'm walking here. And which is Christopher Walken when nobody recognized him. And then the all right, all right, all right with Matthew McConaughey. What other ones are there? I don't know. To the moon, Alice, I guess. That's so old. Sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to. Why do you even know that? Because cartoons used to do it. To the moon, Alice. I just did a movie with Dustin Hoffman. He told me that he improvised that line, I'm walking here. With all due respect to the rest of the people hearing this story, if anybody knows one piece of movie or trivia, I feel like that's the one, right? Did you really not know that? Well, I mean, how cool that, like, he said it to me himself, that he, like, was telling the story to me live. I want to acknowledge something. That came out of my mouth sounding judgmental, where I was really checking in if you were being serious. I think it's okay if people don't know that story. But yes, it was a cab that was just. Just rolling into the shot. Rolling into the shot. That's why I always tell directors that I'm working with, let's not block the streets. Because I want to be able to improvise. Yeah. I didn't hear you. No, no. What a gift. Imagine if you're doing He-Man, and what's the cab in He-Man? You know, like in the Flintstones, it's a dinosaur. Oh, right. So some kind of like ship. Some kind of like spaceship. Yeah, so if a spaceship came into the shot while you're telling He-Man that he should be able to sleep with and go in any bathroom that he wants, a ship comes in. Like, you could. They don't have to keep it in. You go, hey! I'm walking here! I'm walking right up these stairs! I'm walking, and I'm carrying a staff. And that's in my way! Do you have a staff in the movie? Oh, yeah. I have a staff with a magical orb at the top. I would say that Dave is Michelangelo, and then you are Leonardo. Isn't Leonardo purple? Yeah, and nerdy. Do you have a lint roller? For me, not now, but later. Oh. Before I leave. I got you. Good, because I'm. It's not the first time I've had a lady get hair on her pants and ass if I had a lint roller. That's the first time? It's not. Oh. Some guys, too, and that's fine. Not Leonardo. No, if I said Leonardo, I made a mistake. I meant Donatello. Did I say Leonardo? Yeah, Leonardo's blue. Yeah, I meant Donatello. Donatello has a staff. And he's purple, which. You're right, that goes. That goes, that goes. Yeah, he's also, I think. Who do you think's more nerdy? Leonardo or Donatello? They're the two main nerds. Donatello. Are they? Donatello's so nerdy? Why? What does he do? That's so nerdy. Science? Yeah. I think that's cool. Yeah. It's cool, but it is, I mean, science is nerdy, inherently. Yeah. But a sword is the least nerdy of all the weapons. And who has a sword? A bow, nunchucks, a scythe, you know, like the little, like what, like Aquaman had when he was a kid or something. Yeah. And then a sword, a proper sword. Yeah. But like a staff? A staff with an orb and you can, you can send stuff. Right. There's no orb. So that's important because it's like, that actually, I think, ups the ante. It's like, maybe it's better than a sword, actually, because there's magic. Yeah, but it's a different world. It's like asking LeBron or Jordan. It's a different world. The game is a different game. But just objectively, like orb with magic better than sword. Yes, but in the world of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, magic doesn't exist. So if it did, then they would probably get some magic. I don't, I don't think we're on the same page. It never existed in the world of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Correct. All the mutations were just that. They're just scientific mutations. They're mutations. Okay. Please. Oh, you didn't get the other. What traits did you have that you were attracted to when you first started being interested in men and boys that as you got older, that is no longer a thing? I think the, the haircut that was like a bowl cut, but then strong part in the middle and went like that. I believe you. I can't picture that. That sounds like what a dog has. You can't even picture it because you're a little younger than me. You can't even picture it from when you were like in school. Yeah, yeah. That people had that split. Do you, can you picture it? We'll put up a picture. Come on. And that was pretty cute when I was in high school, but I don't think I would like that now. What about? Uh, in, in their personality or energy, what they were selling their behavior. Oh, not just superficially. which is very, very important. I genuinely do not listen to and really understand the words of a song if I am not brought in by the melody, unless somebody tells me I have to do my homework. But you consider melody to be superficial? I consider melody to be the, in the literal sense, yes. I consider melody to be the physical attraction, something you could hear without even knowing what it represents, what it means. You just project onto it based on how you feel and you're attracted to it and the words to be the personality and the character. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Okay, cool. I don't know. Nothing. I mean, because you know what I'm thinking about is like when I was in high school, I had this great boyfriend and he was the best. I would say he had a lot of traits that like my husband has. You know, he was like a really good guy and we were best friends and he was funny and like very kind and supportive and sweet. But there certainly were like, bad boys that I was a little bit, you know, attracted to in high school more, which like now, you know, it wasn't the 80s. The 90s. It was the late 90s, early 2000s. But if you had to put it in just as an efficient amount of words, you would say it was in the 1900s. That's right. Yeah. 1900s. You ever put in your date, your birth date and something and you have to just scroll, keep scrolling and it's just like, man. Yeah. I could imagine. And it does not feel good. Feels okay. It feels as okay as when you're saying what country you're from. And usually United States is at the top, not because it's better, but because we're in the United States and the internet understands. But sometimes you have to scroll down to the use. You're right. I would rather not have to. No, no. You type you. That feels much worse. That's way worse. Okay. I know the flick of the scroll for my birth date. I bet you also feel like with an hour of practice, you could land on double zero on that show. The price is right every time. No, I don't think that. Isn't that the similar? Oh, I know how much to flick. I know how much to do. I'm just saying I know the ballpark and it doesn't intimidate me. I'm not, I am happy to be aging. Oh, you're taking it that way. Smart. Good. Smart. That's not what I meant. I meant, you're trying to be like, oh, it's so embarrassing for you to have to scroll, and scroll to 1997. I barely have to, you know, having to scroll to United States is. I'm just talking about having to scroll in general when you're filling something out all the time and you have to go like this instead of just going a little bit. Right. And my point is like, it's not an exact science, but like. Leonardo would say different. When you, what was the audition like for He-Man? I didn't audition. I had a meeting with the director. That's kind of like an audition. It's really not the same at all. One involves like a major performance in memorizing lines. And the other one is. A minimal performance. And memorizing. And memorizing a conversation. Yeah. When people have kids and they interview nannies. Are you anti-kids? Yes, you must be. I'm not. And I think that's your right. I'm not anti-kids. No. You said you're pro-abortion. I'm definitely pro-abortion. And I don't want to have kids. I'm not doing it. Ross Crowe. Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm talking about? No. That was your day. Not gone dead. Is that Ross Crowe, right? When he had the big ears? Yes. Not gone dead. HW. Oh, that was HW. Oh, that was HW. Yeah. What was Ross Crowe? Where did he go? He goes, something about broccoli. She got me broccoli. She got me broccoli. She got her. When you are interviewing nannies in movies, you've seen, I've only saw some of them, but you know the movie with Amanda Siegfried? See-freed? Say-freed. Say-freed. I'm sorry. I think it's Say-freed. I'd say it's Freed. Yeah. Um, I think she's fantastic. Great. Fantastic. And, uh, that movie with, with, um. Housemaid. Yes. Now, I only watched the first half hour, but I was at a hotel, and then I left, and it ended up, blah, blah, blah. But like, you have to. You're missing out. You know, there's like, a big twist. More after the first act. Yeah, there's more to the movie, actually. Yeah, you see the first act, you get what it is. They go on a journey, something crazy happens, they resolve it. Or do they? Sequels. Whoa. But the first act, I always find, that's like, what is this? Mm. I, I'm a, I truly believe, and I will, I will, I would debate this. I think, I, I'm, I'm almost, I can be prepared within a week to debate this point that I'm not prepared to debate right now. Okay. But I can be, and I believe it strongly. Okay. Statistically, comedies, great comedies, comedies that are fine. The first act is the best act. I think you're right. Isn't that crazy? Then just make it a short film. No. Because that wouldn't be satisfying. And a lot of comedies, you know what, if they stick the landing, you get a little heartfelt moment. You know what I thought of when you brought up interviewing nannies, Mrs. Doubtfire, and that really gets you by the end. Well, you're making, Mrs. Doubtfire even makes the point I was trying to make even better. When they are interviewing for the nanny, I would still call that an audition. The nanny is auditioning for the, for the part. Right. Especially with Robin Williams. So even the, the, the, the, the judge at the court thought he might be acting, being a good loving parent because he has the ability, which is a big stretch. Have you ever been in a situation where people are like, I would believe you, but since you're a professional actor, you might be manipulating me right now. I've never been told that. Well, keep working on it. Auditioning is something that we do. We're selling constantly. Sure. And sometimes I believe you could make the choice to not do that. To not be auditioning. Yeah. Yeah. But going in for a director who's offering you the role of Cersei Lannister. Evelyn. I'll just, I'll tell you the truth. I, I, I'm sure we could figure it out. I don't remember where we are. Something bad happened. Something happened. We diverged. We digress. Divergence. The trilogy. Oh yeah. Would you audition for that if they were re-made? Imagining it? I don't think so. Is Maze Runner part of that? I'm honestly not sure. I don't think so. I think it's the same era. It's the same era. That's a little. All right. You're going in for a big franchise movie and you're just having a little, a little meeting with the director, right? Would you say it like this with your shoulders? No, you're mocking, but there is an element to it that's more, that's also like, hey, here's my take on the character. That's less like an audition and more like a, do you jive with that idea? And if so, great. And if not, that's also fine. A hundred percent. I was not meaning to mock. I see how that comes across. I apologize. I'm just saying, I get it. You're like every meeting is an audition, but they actually are a little different is all I'm saying. Without a doubt. And so is applying to be a nanny. I'm just saying the performance of it all. I would love to have a performance of this and I would love to see what it's like if I'm ever at a point where directors are asking me to come in so I could tell them my point of view on the character and I could learn how it goes. If I could have you come in for this movie that I'm doing this whole time, you've been trying to just talk me into an improv where we do like a fake director actor meeting. It's going to sound really pretentious. Everything about that, except for the fake part. And who's the actor and who's the director? I'm having you come in for Rosie the Riveter for this romcom that I came up with and we'll swipe to it. We swiped to it already. Or if you did, then it's yours. But just for the sake of this. I'm not doing that. Okay, that's good. The Olsen sisters say that no is a one word answer or no is a full sentence. I said I'm not doing that. Well, it was a longer sentence. Yeah. We also said the late 90s. But if you just trim it down, the 90s. Now, when this podcast is over, if you and I run into each other in a week or so and you see me, but I don't yet see you, will you do this and walk away? I don't know. But I could tell you from my nerdy little mind, I'm having such a nice time improvising with you and playing with you. And I won't ask you again. And I was so excited to do that. I get it. The nature of it doesn't appeal to me. Me pretending to be an actress. And you're the director. It's not realistic. Hey, that's the meanest thing you've said to me. I intended it to be. So I guess where I'm sitting at now is wondering what games we could play. Do you want to do it the other way around? Like, I'm the director and you're the actress who's coming in to interview for me? Yes. And I would love to acknowledge something that just happened. What happened? Feel free to pay attention, but you might think who cares or you already know this, but I'd like to address my audience. Mm-hmm. I sincerely wanted to play a game. You, I believe, sincerely did not. I'm not talking about my higher self here. I'm just speaking the truth of what I was feeling. And this is not, as you know, your responsibility. I'm just telling you a truth. The child in me was feeling shut down. And in that, I truly didn't know what game to play. And instead of not playing a game or double downing and making that the game and not picking up on the cue of, this is something I don't want to play. I then said, oh, is there another game we could play? And you're like, absolutely. We could kind of do the same thing just with one little switch, one little note. Great direction. And I think it's important that if we feel shut down or insecure about something, you say, hey, is there anything else that we could do different? And I'm just really proud that we got to this point. Anyway, that's my take on Rosie the Riveter's love interest, Tupac. Because he has to have a lot more heart than a lot of people might superficially believe because he's talking about fuck Mobb Deep and fuck Biggie and all this as a record label and as a motherfucking crew and all this stuff. But before that, there are clips where he's very, I'll let you decide. I was liking this girl in Tam and I'm extra nice, you know, extra gentleman. I'm extra just like, oh, you're beautiful and you deserve the best. And she told me I was too nice. I couldn't believe it. It wouldn't work because I was, I was too nice. So I went through a week of just going, forget it, I'm just going to be like them because they seem to get the girls and they call girls the B word, you know, and they smack and beat and they're getting girls. That's more who Tupac truly was before he took on a lot of the poetry that he started writing. And how would you approach the relationship with your best friend, Joel McHale? What do you think the backstory is there? Because I'd be happy to put some of your ideas in the script if I'm, you know, feeling compelled by them. Well, first of all, I'm, that's amazing. I still feel like I'm coming in here. Like, I'll be honest with you. It feels like an audition a little and telling you things. I'm a big fan. I want to hear your ideas. Well, if I could be candid, there were some things I didn't understand. And instead of like forcing a point of view on you, I know that I only want to be in this if I could be a value to it. And I really can visualize this. If, and there's a few ifs, and I don't understand. I think the, the story with Rosie the River and Tupac is, is funny, even if it's not supposed to be. And it's so interesting. Why Joel McHale? I don't understand why he's even in it. Joel is co-financing the film and it's required that we put him in this role. So we just sort of had to kind of shoehorn. I mean, like, you know, him in, Don't Tell Your Friends. I never saw it. Is that a movie of his? Don't Tell Your Friends? You've never seen Don't Tell Your Friends and Don't Tell Your Friends 2? I've never seen Don't Tell Your Friends 2. Would you think I was too confusing and weird if I, I'm only telling you that because I now think of you as a friend and I'm trying not to tell you? I actually really respect that. They were made for TV movies for Fox, tested through the roof. So now it's like, he's got carte blanche over here, you know? Yeah. Well, I don't have a point of view on that character. I think it's, I think it's, an obstacle. What if I asked you to play Joel McHale? Please. Now you think it makes sense? Say that again. Have you ever thought about acting? Because I have a project I would love to pitch you. A little bit. You look like this, do you know who Rosie the Riveter is? I'm honestly obsessed with her. Why? Just like, strong, cool. On posters. I've always wanted to be on a poster. Uh-oh. Oh, dear. Oh, I have to go. I'm so sorry. I'm getting a phone call. And Zoom is over. You know what I'm saying? All right. Well, it was nice meeting you. I would love to do your movie. If Joel's not in it. We'll get back to you. When you say we, you're talking plural? Just we. You know what? We'll be in touch. Miss me. Oh. I'm hanging up. No. No. Do you ever, do, when you're, do you audition? Yeah. When you audition, how many times out of 10 auditions? And let's say all of them. I don't audition that much. Okay. You have, there's eight auditions. Okay. And they're all at least kind of funny, if not straight up comedies. Okay. Out of those eight auditions, at the end of the scene that you're putting on tape, how many times are you tagging with something? Every time. Every time. You gotta tag it. That makes the submission, not just, not just doing it, that you send it in. You gotta tag it. Why? Right? You gotta tag it. You gotta tag it. They want you to tag it. You wanna see that personality, baby. I sometimes, when I'm, because if there's three scenes. Yeah. I'm like, when I tag, and I'll tag them all, and it's like, you'll see if there's anything you wanna keep in. But I'll sometimes be like, when I'm submitting, I'm tagging on all these. I get a little, I don't know if insecure is the right word. If there's three scenes in one, that's interesting. But why not? You don't, you cut it off if you don't want it. It's like having sauce on the side. And beat Bobby Flay, that's like, oh, I want more sauce, and not enough sauce, whatever. Always put the sauce on the side. Let them decide how much they want. Logically, that's how I feel about it. But I don't emotionally. They always put the sauce on the side? I, if you don't know what's gonna be in it, if I'm taste testing something that you're just making for me. Sure. Okay, yeah. Put the sauce on the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Because you could also always pour it. Tag it. I agree with you. But I'm not putting myself on tape for comedies. I understand. Come on. I understand. Come on. What? I believe that I'm missing something. It's obvious. What do you want from me? That sounds like Ganon laughing when Link dies. Could we do an improv scene where you're coming in to play Princess Zelda and I'm the director of that? Yeah, okay. But I'll, admittedly, I don't know as much about Princess Zelda. Like, I remember Zelda, but I don't, I wish I had all the info. Okay. Do you have more info on Larry the Scuba Guy? What's the girl's name? Larry the Scuba Guy? I think that's from Big Daddy. Rosie the Riveter. You know, it's a schtick. Honestly, no. We'll do Zelda. We'll do Zelda. Okay. Okay. Okay. Should I be confident or should I be somebody who loves and nerdy who loves Zelda? I mean, you have to be someone who loves Zelda. You have to at least pretend to love Zelda. Yeah, I do. If I was going to be confident, I would just have basically been chewing gum. Anyway. So, I understand that you're not that familiar with Zelda, which is totally fine. Do you know anything about it? You know, I definitely played the games when I was a kid, but I just don't have, I just don't remember every detail. Yeah. You know? I'm not quizzing you, truly. If you said you knew nothing, I would still be interested in having this conversation. I know almost nothing. What games did you play? Which Zeldas? Legend of Zelda. The first one? Yeah. I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The second one is A Link to the Past? The original. A Link to the Past, yeah. So, you know how, do you remember that when you, if you beat the first quest, you play again and you start from the beginning, but it's a little, the map, do you remember this? The map's a little bit different. There's a second quest. Yes, yes. So, there's also a cheat that if you, name it, because you can name yourself, if you name yourself Zelda, you start on the second quest. Oh, I mean, I don't think I ever realized that. That's kind of, have you seen the remake of Jumanji? No. So, basically, it's the same IP, it's a reimagining. Sure. Okay, great. Well, technically, I think they find it later on. I think it's actually, it exists in that universe. Yeah. This is more of a reimagining, but from the game player's point of view, where we already beat the first two quests, people don't realize this, but there was a secret third quest, but you had to beat it a certain way. We are now watching the movie of the third quest. Oh, wow. Princess Zelda is asleep because Ganon, who you laugh like, and you would be sleeping the entire movie. Oh, wow. On a, like there's a staircase and you're on a bed. So, there's no lines. Oh, okay. But you, you are first on the call sheet. It's based on you. There's really, that's why I said, you don't have to know much about it. There's nothing you have to do. The whole time she's sleeping. Until the very end when Link defeats Ganon and wakes her up. Uh-huh. We are trying to set this world where, oh, a woman needs a prince or a man to save her and to make her, where this is the story that we know. And it's not that that story is wrong. It's that we never saw the other story. So, once that happens, Zelda, Princess Zelda wakes up and she's a badass. Oh. And she and Samus, do you know Samus from Metroid? - Yes. - You do, great. When you beat the game a certain way, she takes her mask off. Sometimes you can actually, this is true. You beat it a certain way, take her mask off. You see it's a woman, beautiful long hair. And there's one where you can actually see her in a bikini. It's a different time. Okay. But not in this movie. No. But I do know it's planned. I haven't written the other one. It's leading up to Zelda and Samus are these power women. Like in Glow. Oh, wow. Yeah. Awesome. Take your time. I drew you. Wow. Before I have a guest on, I always draw them. It's beautiful. So what do you think? I love it. I love that. That's so interesting, honestly. So she just wakes up. I just want to be clear about it. She wakes up in the final act and then she's super strong. And you're thinking more in a sequel is when, when it's, it's, you know, she and Samus. Samus? Samus. Right. I may have said, I think I said it wrong. Yeah. It's truly. I feel like we're both. We're saying the same thing. Yeah. Oh, it's not. Um, I love that. That's so fun. And I just love hearing about your whole vision about it. And, you know, we'll be in touch. Well, I would like to make an offer to you right now. We only need you for four days. Oh, that's so fun. I think, let me just check my schedule. And I got to, you know, I'll talk to the team and we'll just be in touch. Would you like me to tell you the number amount now? And then you could still be in touch with me, but just so you have a little more information, or do you want to wait for your team? Tell it to me now. 500,000, four days, setting up for an option, uh, for a sequel. And that we would love to not ask you to write, but really develop around you. All right, great. Well, I can't wait to have my team get in touch. Okay. This was so nice. I love your brain. Thank you. Yeah, this is so exciting. Wow. Thank you very much. Well, it was nice to meet you. You too. Are we in person or are we on Zoom? I think we're on Zoom still, honestly, because everyone's on Zoom lately. Yeah, we'll just. Would, if, if you were going in first to meet with somebody that you wanted to do and he was a little quirky and he told you that he's, doesn't feel comfortable. Wait, can I ask you first? Based on the end of that last meeting, do you think I was going to do the movie or no? Um, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're not that subtle. Well, I might've done it, but you know, it's like, let's talk about the numbers. Let's see, like, where are we shooting? If they were to do a live action Zelda IP movie, it would be fucking massive. And you have to know that. Why are you getting angry at me? I didn't realize that's how I was coming across. I'm sorry. So I came across angry. The way you said, like, you have to know that. Like, yeah, I'm sorry. Thank you. Did we make up? Absolutely. We were in a fight. I didn't feel that way toward you, but I understand how you felt. And I genuinely, I'm sorry. I get really passionate and I talk that way sometimes. And you're not the first person to tell me that. But what I meant was like, it's like, I would be so excited about something like that. I love it. I'm not standing in the way of it. Yeah. I think it's a great idea. So. They've never made a live action Zelda? I don't think so. Maybe it's just too massive. You know, it's so scary. Bigger than Mario Brothers? Look at that. Look at that. Yeah, totally. But it's like, so many variables. This Masters of the Universe movie, they've been, it's been in the works for like 18 years. Like these producers who produce this have had it for at least a decade. That's what they say about stuff. You know, we really started filming this, you know, pre-production started a blah, blah, blah. But we really started filming this in my grandfather's basement. You know, like when I was a kid. I feel like everybody says we started filming in my grandfather's basement. But development does take a lot of time. It does take a long time, yeah. Grandfather's basement was a variable. Variables. We just swiped when you said variable. And it could be, you know, your grandmother's hen house. Could be your bedroom. Yeah. What's up? We're doing a Legend of Zelda movie that comes out in 2027. And we were wondering if you'd be interested in playing Princess Zelda. Yes, please. Sign me up. I'm not somebody who hates that they're redoing, and doing a lot of, I would love and prefer if there was a lot more original material. Yeah. I love all the IP stuff. This is Magic the Gathering and Final Fantasy. Two worlds that share the same audience, but are not even in the same type of gameplay. I just think, oh, it's ruining the blah, blah, blah. If they were to remake something that was already out, and it's not good, it doesn't affect the original to me. I agree. But it is important to have original content. More important than doing original content. More important than doing IP. And I guess the only argument is the doing IP that already exists cannibalizes the original stuff. But in this idea that there's an infinite amount of room. Right. I'm okay with it. Yeah, I agree with you. Sometimes if the IP is old enough, like say with something like He-Man, it almost feels like an original idea because it's kind of like for new generations, you know, you're gonna. Because the original He-Man movie maybe didn't reach as many people. But the cartoon was massive. Oh, yeah. Massive. Yeah, that's true. I remember Burger King used to give VHS of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Okay. He-Man and Turtles there. Like, what does Rob Schneider say? You would know. Like spaghetti and meatball? That was really good. Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? Sometimes I do the sound effect, but we still put one underneath. Oh, good. I think, I don't know if you'll watch any of this, but maybe you'll check out the clips. If we have any of those and the. You'll be like, oh, good. I can't wait. I'm gonna love it. I'm gonna love the clips. I'm gonna love watching those clips and hearing that double swipe sound if it's there. Is there any IP that you went in for that you were a fan of that you did or didn't get? Well, that's interesting. I mean, I went in for the remake of the Jumanji movie and I didn't get it. I didn't get that. And I love the original Jumanji. That's why you didn't watch the new one. I guess. Karen Gillan. Yeah. Shout out to Karen Gillan. She's great though. She is a great actress. Perfect. She's perfect for it. I'm happy for her. Yeah. She told me that it was down to the two of you. And there was. It's this close. There was a director meeting. And she said, I'll tell you what I really think did it was I went in and I treated it like an audition. Wow. I'll tell you. I just straight up auditioned. It wasn't a director meeting for me. Got it. Told I didn't have enough Twitter followers. Yeah. Actually, I think that was a different job, but it was the same studio head. Where? I don't know. That's Sony. I was just auditioning for things. It was right before. Honestly, it was right before I did Glow. That first Jumanji movie, they were making that kind of, you know, right then. So it all worked out great. I went and did Glow. Do you think you have enough Twitter followers now? No. I don't think I'll ever have enough. Do you use Twitter, X? No. Me neither. I don't use Facebook really either. I've never had a Facebook account. Did you go to college? Yeah. Where'd you go? I went to CalArts. CalArts. California Institute of the Arts. What? The electric. What's their mascot? We don't have a mascot. No, it's an art school. It's like a tiny art school in Valencia, California. That's interesting because who makes all the mascots? That's a good question. Artists. Don't, don't, don't. Oh. Oh. We're going to put a beak on your face if we have time. For the rest of the interview? No, it'll spin like this, the way Daffy Ducks does, and then it'll slow and behind. So then it just disappears. And then when you turn, it's not there anymore because. Love it. Did you watch cartoons as a child? Yeah. Real Monsters? Oh, yeah. Put the arms up like that and the. Kool-Aid Man. Whoa. Joey Lawrence, kind of. Okay. Will John? All right. Matthew McConaughey? Was I first? Matthew McConaughey? How about Doug? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And I feel like you don't need to do it again. I won't. I want to be able to be a good singer. I could hear it. I feel like you have it in you. I do, too. I really do. I could hear it. I could hear it. You're just not prepared. This wasn't the moment. I try to sing all the time. You'll get it one day. But I don't, I have no idea what that was you were singing. It was the Beats, the band The Beats from Doug. Oh, that was like the main, that was like the rock band in that world. I just think because you sang it so badly, it was like, how could I? know you know what i mean but like i do think you'd be able to sing good one day you know what i mean taking off the kick me sign that was clearly on my shirt and i didn't realize oh no i'm so sorry i'm just being like candid do you play like this with dave no do you ever play in by this i mean in a way where it's um antagonistic yes and an opponent no no ever Really? Yeah. You're very good at it. Oh, thank you. And I would think you would enjoy being that way. I sort of just enjoy it with you. There's something about you. It's making me want to attack. Yeah. But with Dave, no, oh my God. That's the best. Teammates laughing together all the time. Teammates, right. Teammates who are in love. Yeah. So only because I was getting that from you, honestly. I believe you. I was never feeling that. Really? Not even a little. In fact, I didn't even think of that as an option until you brought it up. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. And by the way, I know that dynamic. I'm in that dynamic with people sometimes. I like that dynamic. You do? If we're both in on it together, yeah. I like it in the same way I like playing physical basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, very much. But I still think of it. Brother, sister. Brother, brother. I don't even have it. I've never had a sister. It's very brother, brother. Did you watch that show? I've never had a brother. Brother, brother. I love that show. Brother, brother was a show too. Sister, sister, Pete and Pete. Pete and Pete, yeah. Which I was thinking of brother, brother. Family matters, step by step. That's what Vin Diesel says. Well, the first one. TGI Fridays. Yeah. TGIF. Yeah. Perfect Strangers. That's too old. That was the original TGIF, right? Perfect Strangers. Nobody cares. Yeah, like you're really good at that. And I feel like that feels good to be that, right? I'm in my villain era. Yeah. Because the movie, you know what I mean? And the bangs. Yeah. All right. That's what villains do. They do? Yeah. Oh. What I mean that as an insult, it's just like if we were to make you be, like if you were, if you played your angel and devil on your shoulder and we were to do a little thing, your angel would have no bangs. Okay. And your devil would have an up pony with bangs. Ooh. High pony, long hair, dark. Bangs, horns. It's not a blanket statement. It's the way the devils do things. I'll allow it. Thank you. You know, you are petting that animal like you're a villain with your big diamond. And you're like, you're my opponent. I'll never, you'll never know if I'm uncomfortable. He loves it. I'm only doing it this way because he's enjoying it so much. Yeah. Sometimes it's important to behave in a way that makes others feel good without cannibalizing our authenticity. Harriet Tubman. You say Tubman? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I don't like to talk about a woman's weight. Do you think that she's what? We're going to call her a Tubman? No. Not me. You know, do you watch Love on the Spectrum? Yeah. Yeah. Logan, he loves trains. Yeah. He loves trains with faces. He also loves trains. Sweet Logan. Without faces. That's right. Do you know the connection to Logan and Harriet Tubman? I'm so worried about what you're going to say. I said one thing. I'm so worried about what's going on. I was going to talk about the secret railroad. Underground railroad. I was going to connect it with a literal joke with trains and railroads. Nothing. Nothing bad. Nothing about her weight. Like, relax. Smile more. Basically am smiling. Will you text me after this and tell me the truth? If she's smiling? No. About like, everything's okay? Because this feels like I would do this. I would do this once a week. I would do in short form, but it would be called sharpening her knives. You and me? No. You and me sharpening our knives? No. Me and a different guest every week. You're just the pilot. Yes, you and me. I was just doing it. The problem is all of those sighs, I have to, I know some of them are real. So it's like, oh, like the reaction shots are so important for the people watching. So instead of being, oh, oh, it's like, man, Rick's really not picking up on it. And I'll tell you something. I am. I know you are. But I think, I think, I think. You are in your villain era. I think it's real. I love that. I like that you think that. I'm happy for you. Don't go. He's just changing batteries. Now that these cameras off, do you want me to say, should I tell him that we're done? We're going to finish up and we're just going to do the commercials. You should leave or something like that. He can stay. He can stay. It's okay. He can stay. It's okay. He's not the second. So we can talk about it. Yeah. We're just talking about McCone. Okay. What's going on with Melissa? Oh, God. You know, you got to get off it. Get off what? You got to get off Melissa. It's not, it's not going to happen. She's a great, she's a great publicist. Yeah. Oh, he's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. We were just talking about Melissa. Tell me later. You shouldn't. No. Is she no good? What? I shouldn't work with her again? Oh, you should work with her. But that's it. That's it. Yeah. Shouldn't try to try anything else. What did you think I was talking about? I think we both know what you're talking about. Oh, you're writing a story. You are. You are an artist. I know. You thought I wasn't an artist this whole time? No. The way you said it, like I just proved it to you. Oh, I noticed that you're feeling defensive. Do you feel that a lot of people don't believe you're an artist? I'm sorry to trigger that. I think you're incredible what you do. Look, you're looking for information for me for the first time. I don't know if you see me, but you're looking at me. And I think that's great. Thank you for looking. I do. I have conversations on this podcast one out of every 25 about the term art. And how many people sitting on that couch don't like to look at what they do as that? I don't know if they think it's pretentious to admit to it. They don't allow themselves to believe it. They are judging it by how good they are at it versus the craft itself. I don't know. Yeah. People get embarrassed. People feel embarrassed to call their work art. You don't. I don't. I actually don't. Mm-mm. I don't think I would be doing this. If I didn't truly feel that I was expressing myself. I feel the same. Yeah. And I do stand up on stage by myself, usually. Sometimes I'll bring up a guy to beatbox and see how long he'll beatbox before he realizes I'm not going to rap. Oh. I've only done that twice. And I have forgot about that. I think it's really funny. And I want to remember to do that. I pretend that the DJ is, the thing isn't working. And I have this thing, get somebody to beatbox for me. And I bring somebody up on stage and, you know, beatbox. It's like a minute. And I go, oh, that's awesome. But we're opponents. We're partners. Whatever is that thing. I love acting so much because I love the collaboration of it. Yeah. And I love seeing how other people do their art. And I don't mean like necessarily their process of getting in character. Just like. Yeah, yeah. Why they did this role. Why they, you know, why they don't want to improvise. Or, you know, and like doing rehearsal. I mean, when people, don't have to be the same, but we're on a similar frequency. Where it may never make it in, but you play beforehand. It feels like I have friends. I don't mean that in a dark way, like I might not. But also kind of. It is like, this is what friends are. That's that. When I remember when I first having friends, I'm like, this is what it feels like. Well, it's just fun also. That sounds really fun. And like to actually, the idea of like, yeah, it's play, but it's not just play. Like we're making something. We're telling a story as good or bad as it might be. Love. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm just. I think that a lot of comedians don't think it's art. Well, also you're creating. You're a comedian. You're writing jokes. You're coming up with a whole act. And I'm creating all the time. You write. I do. Yeah. Yeah. Where do you stand with if you had to do. If you had to only do one forever. Can you feel that? I can. On your face? Mm-mm. Where? Right here. Now I do. Pretty powerful breath. You do stage? No. You should. Not since college at CalArts. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. You know, if I were at CalArts and I was the mascot. Oh, boy. You know what I would be? Hmm. A tree. Not a pile. - I don't feel a shit. So look, it's a callback. to your role in Rosie the Riveter. I remember. In all honesty, that was the thing. That's the only thing that sounded truly mean and I immediately regretted it. I didn't want you to think I just thought you were a pile of shit. A piece of shit. A pile. No, no, a pile. Okay. I'm glad you don't. If you're going to be shit, I want it to be a little pile. I just don't, I don't see Rosie the Riveter with that body. No disrespect. She's 80. She's 120. I'm just picturing her as I know her. As the crow flies. You think that woman doesn't take a good shit? I think she takes a great efficient shit. But it's pieced out? No, it's like a, it's like a, like a fake, like picture like a fake shit. I shit like that. Sometimes I honestly shit where it's like this and it looks like the emoticon. It curls in a circle like a fake, oh it does? And it has a tip like it was chocolate soft serve and it's out of the water and I, Out of the water? Out of the fucking, That's a good shit. I'm honestly really impressed. There's a magnesium complex that I take. You gotta send it to me through Melissa. I don't want you to have You know what? I'll let my people get to it. I actually don't need it. Please don't. Okay. I would never ask for your phone number. I would only, I wouldn't even say, hey Melissa, could I have her phone number? I would say, hey Melissa, here's the magnesium I take. I don't know if she was serious or not, but would you please forward this along and actually screen grab this too so she knows I'm not asking for her phone number. I love that. In fact, I might just clip this and send it to you. Do you think writing is more expressive than acting somebody else's words? Yeah. So are writers more of an artist than actors? No, I guess I take back the first yeah. No, you don't have to just do it because you think people might think something. Joe Mantegna says, if it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage. And he keeps saying it. We know Joe. Joe. Joe Mantegna. Yes. Football player. Yeah. Oh. No, the guy from Airheads. You have to pronounce it Mantegna. Joe Mantegna. Yeah, yeah. But the Joe I do without the Italian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Mantegna. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be like saying mucho gracias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. So, anything you want to ask me? I'm just kidding. I've done so much talking. I appreciate your, I appreciate you. Jeez. I guess literally donating your time to me and the show and our audience. You've been doing press since by the looks of things, 10 a.m. Are you kicking me out? Not only am I not kicking you out, I'm not even ordering the lint roller for another 15 minutes. Good, but I'm glad you didn't forget about it because I am going to need it before I go. I can't walk out of here like this. There are a few things I forget about and I recognize the irony. I'm not right now. It just happens to be the case. What were we just talking about? Oh, art. Joe Mantegna. Thank you. Or as Elvis would say. Thank you very much. Versus acting. Yeah. I think they're both valuable and they're both art. So, do you think Joe should stop saying, if it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage whenever the writers are around? No. He should live his life the way he wants. Criminal Minds. That's his show right now. I worked with Joe Mantegna and Sosie Bacon together. I don't mean to sound sexual, but I like when it all comes together. On what? Melissa worked with me on it. It was a show that, to be honest with you, not a lot of people saw. It's called As We See It on Amazon Prime. Is that true? It was a great show. Great show. Oh, yeah. I loved that show. Oh, thank you. You must have not recognized me. You maybe recognized me because I didn't have these glasses or hat. Oh, that's why. It was the backwards hat I think was throw. Oh, oh, no. Don't do that. Oh, boy. I don't like that. I don't like that. You're being anti-Semitic. That's not true. And also I don't like that. My mother's Jewish. I can tell. You can tell. You can tell when a woman has a Jewish mother. I mean that in both the positive and the negative ways. I have a Jewish mother. You could probably tell. Yeah. What did you notice? It was just how bad that backwards hat was. How bad that looked on you. Hey, the problem isn't that you said it looked bad. The problem is you waited until I turned it around. Well, I thought oh, he's committing to this and now it's like, you know, let him. It's very let them, you know? Yes. Mel Robbins. That's right. A lot of people are saying she stole that. I'm not here to talk about thievery. I will, however, say the new Hey Man is not really like original content. I hear what you're saying. I know. I know. It was a reach. But it feels original. Mm-hmm. It's very unique. You know, by definition, and this is the nerd in me, but how is something very unique when by definition it means one of? You know? It's something that I'm forgetting who told me, but another comedian, and I apologize, and I remember I'll put it up, but I remember he brought that up to us. I'm like, yeah, I never thought of it that way. What are you saying to me? Doesn't matter. What I want to know is what did you do at 10 a.m.? Did a photo shoot. Photoshoot. Are you good at that? Oh, yeah. Are you? Yeah. Do you have favorite poses? Yeah. Would you like to offer a couple for thumbnail options? No. I like that. I like that a lot. Will you send us some so we could put them up here if those photos come out before this does? Melissa? Yeah. And now these are for the movie. So you're in character or is these for like, hey, I'm going? I'm going to do the rounds. The more I am going to do the rounds. So is this something that you're not using for to give to people to put in things? I mean, it's like for a publication. So I don't know if I could actually give it to you. Melissa, can we say what the publication is? Forbes? 30 under 30? At least that's what it looks like. It's a much more important publication. 20 under 20? It's a Hollywood reporter. Germany. Sorry, I wasn't finished. Hollywood reporter. Germany. Just Germany? That's right. Or Unenfantzahn German? Just Hollywood reporter. Germany. I'm on the cover. May I say, we could actually use that for some type of storyline in the Rosie the Riveter story. In what way? To see you, this Jewish woman, this Jewish woman. Okay. On a newspaper in Germany, not to say get her, but to say, we got her. And now you can too. And select theaters now for screenings, but theaters all around June 5th. It's less like get her and it's more like we get her. Yeah. That's beautiful. Why Germany? Is that something that Melissa, like she couldn't get you, she couldn't get to the US, which is not your fault. There's only so much you can do. And I know that, believe me. But you don't have enough Twitter followers. Melissa says Hollywood reporter Germany is it's valuable. And I say that's not a market that I am trying to ignore. Oh, no, I'm not asking. Why are you doing it? Of course. I'm sure it's every young girl's dream. Melissa says we got Hollywood reporter Germany. I say how high? About five milligrams right before you got here. But what I want to know is why not American? Why not Irish? I said, I don't want to do. Oh, you turned it down. American Hollywood reporter because I'm like different. In the phone. Photos. Did you do stuff where you were wearing things like square hats? I think that's what they were in Germany. No, no, no, no. Boxes. It was like chic and cool. Nice. And then the next thing you did, you didn't want to wear that to it. The next thing I did was actually at the gym and it was for women's health. And it was my trainer and I doing a bunch of workout stuff. So I actually had to change into workout clothes, lift a bunch of heavy weights. Then I changed again into this to come here. And I also took a quick shower because I sweat more than I thought I was going to. I was going to, honestly. So you showered. You did chic, not couture. That's right. Shower, chic. Shrain. Shower. Yes. Sissy. I wouldn't put it that way. Well, I'm only doing that for the alliteration. Oh, okay. Did you go pee? Ever today? After you worked out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Train, shower, shower, whatever. And then you put this on for this or was there something else? Put this on for you. Now, would you be wearing the sleeveless had you not done and worked out right before? Yeah, because I work out constantly. My arms look this way all the time. Would you say that they're tired after having to travel all over the city for as long as you did? They're not very tired, no. Your arms are not tired. But that's a good one. Thank you. In fact, because you said that, I'm going to use this as an opportunity to announce my new merch. I have shirts that say, boy, are my arms tired. You think I'm lying, don't you? I hope you are. Do you want me to prove it to you or you don't care? I don't care. Back to where we were at the beginning. It's true. I know. I'm so sorry. I want to fight it. I want to love you. Thank you. Yeah. I guess, thank you for the opportunity. Yeah. Thank you for the opportunity. You're welcome. I think based on you feeling that you were an opponent of mine from the come in is based off of whatever your idea of how this might go with me having had a little bit of weed beforehand and like, what is he up to right now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And being a woman in this industry, as I imagine. Yeah. It must be. Sometimes, shout out Rosie the Riveter, you have to puff your chest. It all comes back to Rosie, ultimately. If people take one thing away from this, it's the importance of Rosie the Riveter and Tupac. Is Rosie one of the characters in Bye Bye Birdie? Yeah. I was thinking Bye Bye Birdie connection, Nick Cage. He's in that, right? Is Nicholas Cage in Bye Bye Birdie? Yeah. And Jim Carrey is for a little bit. Who's the main? Oh, boy. Oh, I forgot. Sorry. Sorry. Will you check? Because Nick Cage is also in the Spider-Man show with Lamorne that's coming out. And we talked a whole bunch about Nick Cage. Is it an animated show? Oh, it's a live action noir. It takes place, I'm guessing, around the 40s. With Nick Cage as Spider-Man. And they're releasing it in black and white and color. It's a spinoff from the Into the Spider-Verse movies. I believe you. I did not know that. It definitely is. Remember, he's like noir guy in those movies. Have you not seen those movies? Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse is one of the greatest movies of all time. I understand it is. And I haven't. You've never seen it? Oh, you should. Thank you. Oh. You think I'd like it? Yes. Especially the first one, Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse. Spider-Man Through the Spider-Verse, also very good. But like, see the first one. Yeah. This is like, what are we doing? I didn't see Frozen until it was out for like 10 years. We don't care. But like Paddington 2, you know what I mean? I've never seen Paddington. No, you don't have to see the first Paddington, but you have to see Paddington 2. Do you feel that is the same with the Sister Act franchise? I don't. You don't think it's the same? You think it's important to see one before two? I think Spider-Verse and Sister Act, you see the first one. No, I'm talking about Paddington. Oh, got it. Paddington, you see two. And I mean, all the Paddington movies are delightful. But like, if you only saw two, like, you'd be great. Why is two so much better? It's just a total delight. Could you talk like Paddington? I love that voice. I could. No, I don't want to do it. And I won't ask you. Hello, I'm Paddington Bear. People love it. What is he like? Honey. What? Marmalade. I love marmalade. Is that a ripoff of Winnie Loving Honey? Which came first? The egg. Exactly. I love marmalade. What does Winnie the Pooh sound like? Hi, Piglet. My name's. Winnie the Pooh. Is there any way that we could get some CBD for Eeyore? But see, now, first he had kind of a Southern accent, and then you went, no accent. Well, he only takes that way when he's at home. See, his father was a Southern loyal. Now, it's important to understand is, oh, I once saw something that Winnie the Pooh wears a shirt and no pants. And I think it's Bugs or. And then is it Mickey Mouse has a pants and no shirt or something? And like, put it together. And like, that's why black people. And white people, we should all get along or something. Whoa. That's really deep. Yeah. Winnie the Pooh's older than Paddington. Of course he is. I mean, yeah. And Bye Bye Birdie came out in the 1960s. But Nicolas Cage was in a movie called Birdie in the 80s. Oh. No Bye Bye, though. More like Bye Bye Bye in sync. Or Matthew McConaughey when he's leaving. What is the movie that I'm thinking of if it's not Bye Bye Birdie? Peggy Sue got married. I'm thinking of Peggy Sue got married. I do remember that movie. Peggy Sue got married with Kathleen Turner. And the guy. What was the Elvis guy? Who played him? But he wasn't Elvis. He was a different name. What? No, there was a guy. It was Austin Butler. He was four years old. He was not born yet when Peggy Sue got married. Peggy Sue got married cast list. Oh, I don't even have to change my legs a little. Oh, boy. In Peggy Sue got married. So, Kathleen Turner goes back in time and she gives Nicolas Cage. She tries to give him like the Beatles songs so that he could be a famous musician. But he comes back to her and he goes, I made some changes. How about it goes, He loves you. Ooh, ooh, ooh. That's a good bit from that movie. I don't remember the movie well enough. I saw it when I was really young. Yeah. But I remember I liked it. And I don't remember. I don't remember that. Well, it was in it. I like that. Yeah. What if we kind of take that device with the Tupac thing? Okay. And Tupac goes back to the 40s. Yeah. And like instead of him fighting Mobb Deep and Peggy, he's fighting the Japanese and the Germans. I just feel like it's getting too political. And again, I want to keep it more like light and fun and like about art. How about he goes. He goes back in time. He teaches Rosie, he brings her rap, like he's teaching her his biggest hits. I love you, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, I love it. Pop, pop, pop. I was just doing DMX, but she's bringing violence into it. I'm not, I'm just bringing dance. Oh, you were just reminding women to get their vaginas checked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought it meant pat. Oh, more like I was doing like the clamp that goes in your vagina and then opens up like this. You have to do so much. They call it duck lips. Oh. Is that really a thing? That's what I call it. When somebody says I was on the red carpet, I was giving duck lips, do you ask which kind? Yes. It's hard to know. Samantha from Sex and the City would make that joke. Honey, I had duck lips. Just nobody saw. Maybe they don't call it duck lips. Duck clamp. I'm so glad you brought up Sex and the City because it's one of my favorite shows of all time. I just rewatch. It's one of my favorites. Is that true? Love. Oh, my God. Love. Do you have a favorite season? I'll tell you, I don't know if I have a favorite season. I will say that I oftentimes because I watch and sometimes I go out of order. I have probably not seen season five and six as much as the first four. Five is the worst. Three and four are the best. Definitively. Three is after her and Aiden break up. They break up in two. No, they get together in three. They meet in three. Three is the big affair. Four is like they're engaged and then she breaks off the engagement. So I do not like for as much as three. Three to me is the best season. But somebody I had this argument with someone recently and they were like really on four and then I rewatched and I was like four is a really good season and the fashion is great. I understand. Season two is my favorite. It is the one I watch the most. What's your favorite episode? Season two. Is that the one that opens with the baseball stadium where she carries broken up with? Yes. Season three. Is that opening the Jersey fireman or is that season two? That's season three. So season two. Wait, that's season. When she dates the guy that wants to pee on her, who's also a madman, comes together. I didn't mean anything sexual. That's right. Speaking of what's his name? John Slattery. He is in I'm forgetting. Oh, what's what's David? David Wayne and Jon Hamm, Zoe Deutsch have a movie. Oh, yeah, I just I need to fuck Jon Hamm or something. No, it's like, yeah, Sally O'Malley is going to Hollywood Hall Pass. Yeah, Hall Pass something. Yeah, whatever. I saw it, too. So, so Evelyn Marie's Hollywood Hall Pass. You saw the movie. I did. And it's great. Loved those two guys. Do they have got Hamm and Slattery in scenes together? I can't give much away. OK, don't don't spoil it. I want to just give a bit away. OK, they play themselves. What? And they're so big on the poster for playing themselves. Slattery is not doing well since Mad Men ended. Mad Men ended. Are you being serious? This is the plot in this movie? Not the plot, not the plot of the movie. I think I could say, right. I mean, this is what the trailer would be. It's like Zoe Deutsch is the hall pass for a couple. Zoe Deutsch plays the character and another person's character. Her husband or husband to be. They have a hall pass and the husband uses it and she can't believe it. I didn't think it was going to happen. So her hall pass is Jon Hamm. So the movie is basically Wizard of Oz going through. The the world collecting new people to help on this journey to get to the wizard that is Jon Hamm. Oh, I like this. And Slattery plays himself and he's he's been trying to get. Hamm is not texting him back. So like so but they want his help and he plays such a. Not willing to admit the. Defeat that he is wearing on his sleeves and playing that, it's such a fun game to play, to play like everything's fine. But he's like he's struggling, man. We meet him in his apartment where he's boxing outside. He does not look good now. I don't know if I said too much. I don't think I did. We'll clip it. I'll send it. We'll ask. It's so funny. I love it. Did David Wayne direct it? Did I make that up? Write it? Is he involved in any way? Ken Marino and David Wayne wrote it and David directed it. Fun. And it feels like a movie that a bunch of friends just decided to make. Yeah. But it's with the people that are able to do the best stuff that exists. Yeah. Oh, that sounds fun. It's really funny. Yeah. Anyway, he's so funny and he wants Carrie to pee on her was why I was saying that. Yeah, yeah. We'll always remember him as the guy who's running for Comptroller. Comptroller? Wasn't it something like that? Comptroller. Right. He's in two episodes. He wants her to pee on him. But also Carrie like pee on him. Like why wouldn't you just pee on him? In the shower. Exactly. Yeah. He's not like pee on me in the kitchen. Yeah. Like Carrie, you're a sex journalist. Like be sex positive. Although she does offer him, she sort of like gives him some options. Like I'm not comfortable, but I could heat up some tea and dribble it on you. I vaguely remember that. I don't know if I do. He doesn't like that. He doesn't want to do that. Would you say that there was a point to be made that being a sex columnist and being sexual with that kind of stuff, one of the first commandments would be to say no. No to things that you don't want to do to allow yourself to not judge yourself for the things that you do want to do. Yes, that's right. I like that. Thank you. But I'm just saying she shouldn't judge him either. Like it's not like, oh, you're a sex columnist. You got to let this guy pee on you. You're going to be a sex columnist and not let a guy pee on you. I'm not saying that. Remind me, did she leave him because of that? Or he wasn't interested in her because she wouldn't do it. I thought it was that. He leaves her because she wouldn't do it. Yeah, but to her with her friends, they're like, ew, pee on me. Like he's a monster. It freaks, I'm saying it just freaks her out a little too much, but that's fun for TV. Iconic episodes. I love the show. If she didn't, if she let him pee on her just so they would be together, that's, it'll never work. Let's end it now. That's true. But what if she let him pee on her? Realized it wasn't that big of a deal. And she kind of was like, oh, I'm in the shower. Like liquids pouring on me. What's another liquid? And then I just wash it right off. I'm in the shower. Do you feel comfortable with our higher selves? Because a lot of time has passed since then. And we know that perspective and our own. And we're, you know, like, it doesn't matter. Could we do that where you would speak your truth and I could speak mine and I'll try to convince you and you try and let me know that you don't want me to. I'm Carrie and you're Slattery. Yes. We can do it the other way around. But I have to pretend like I really don't want you to pee on me. Correct. Yeah. You know, I could tell that's probably gonna be difficult. I'm sorry. And I don't mean that in a flirtatious way. I'm just saying, you know. I guess I could do it. All right. Who do you want to play? I'll play Carrie. Okay. Carrie, I want you to pee on me. Okay. Fuck. Oh, God. Okay. Sorry. I'm supposed to be like, I don't, I don't want you to. Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you so much for. Trusting me with kind of this information about a fetish that you love. And, you know, let's just, I don't know if I'm totally comfortable with it yet. Sure. I'd love to hear more about why that excites you. I can't tell you how relieved I am. I felt so nervous bringing that up. Oh, my God. I would never judge you for something like this. And I'm happy that you told me, but I just don't know if it's for me. But I just want to know why you love it so much. Like, sell me on it. Sure. First, let me just say, yes, this is a fetish. I've only done this once. Oh, with who? My last girlfriend. Your very last before. My most recent. Yes. Oh, okay. And how long did you guys date? Three years. Oh, and you were never, did you live together? You're engaged? We were never engaged. We, I say three years because we met and we were like, we fancied each other for a bit. But I know this is gonna sound like we're teenagers, but we weren't boyfriend, girlfriend for the first year and a half. I get it. And I wanted to. I wanted to be. Oh. Yeah. Anyway. How many times did you pee on her? I never peed on her because she didn't want me to. And I wanted to, but I almost felt like it was an unspoken compromise that she was willing to pee on me. And that's what turns me on more. Oh, she peed on you? Yeah. Oh, wait. Isn't that what it is? That is what it is. Okay, we're back. She peed on you. Yeah. She peed on you one time? No, no, no, no. We, she would pee on me a lot. We actually started, something I want to suggest, by the way, and I'm not suggesting this for now. Something to consider. If you're ever open to it, if we ever shower together, if you think it's gross, I don't even want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want you to do me a favor. I would love if you're ever in a position where if you're comfortable enough to, we could try it. And you might, there might be something about you seeing how much it turns me on that makes you want to do it. Sure. It's sort of like when it comes to any bathroom activities, I feel so private. Like, I don't, I just, we're so new still. And I want to please you in every way. And you're so sexy. And like, I'm loving what's happening with us, but I'm still a little shy. I don't even want you to hear me pee yet. So I think that's, it's, that's the hang up for me is sort of like peeing. I'm a bit of a Miranda in this way where it's like a closed door activity. Miranda's your friend who I met at the, when we were judging the fireman competition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't like, she really doesn't like, yeah, she's a lawyer, but she's not like, like even peeing with the door open. And I kind of feel the same. I got the vibes that she doesn't like anything. I mean, this is my very good friend. She's my best friend. So. Now, I don't know if this was somebody else or if this was, did you tell me about, didn't you have a friend who hurt her back and she fell on the floor? Maybe this didn't happen. I don't remember. And you had a boyfriend. This hasn't happened yet. It must've been someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, listen, let's not do the pee stuff. We won't do it for now. And let's just see. I just think it's a little early in, in our relationship. Yeah. If we can call it, I wouldn't, I'm not trying to call it a relationship. That's okay. to scare me. I do think everything is a relationship. It's just, are we in a committed monogamous one? But there is a relationship here. I would love to have that conversation with you at some point. At the moment, I don't think we are. Because of the peeing. I just don't feel like we know each other well enough. To be candid with you, I'm not seeing anybody else. And if I were to be dating somebody else, that is, I would be in a position now where I would let you know that. Oh, great. I'm not seeing anyone else either. Do you feel comfortable sucking my cock and eating my butt and stuff? I mean, sucking your cock, yes. And eating your butt, we have to put a pin in that. Just so you know that eating the butt stuff is not the same as the peeing where I don't think poop is a turn on. It's not even I think pee is a turn on. It's just, it pee just to me is like a long ejaculation. It's almost like, you know, how ejaculating on a person feels nice. You like to have women ejaculate on you? I don't remember. Do I like when you pee on me or I pee on you? You like when I pee on you. Yes, I do. Have you had men ejaculate on you? I have not. Although, to be honest with you, I do enjoy pornography where there are multiple men involved. Oh, yeah, me too. And I believe you. So when you talk about eating your asshole, you mean more like a very clean butthole, like you would wash it, you'd be fully showered. I would be trimmed. Oh, wow. Yeah. Showered, trimmed. You know, I've never done that before. I've never done it before. But I but again, I'll just think about it. We'll add it to the list of things I'm thinking about. But it's kind of like, we're not going to start there. I don't know if you're into puns, are you? Yes. Because reading your column, it seems like you might be. I really enjoy them. Let me just say, if you would ever lick my butthole, my cleaned, trimmed butthole, I would no longer be going for Comtroller anymore. I would be going for Comtroller. I have to go. Okay. See you Saturday? I'll tell you what. I'll send a car. It'll wait outside for you. If you want to come down, come down. If you don't, you don't have to, but I'll be there. I know the drill. This happens to me a lot. Actually, people offer this to me a lot. But so thank you. Great. We'll see what happens. That's been offered to you? Oh, yeah. Men are always sending cars to wait for me. And it's like, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I recently started working with a new finance guy. I can't really tell you what he does, but he works in finance. Are we still doing the thing? I was going to talk to you about Big, but we don't have to. I don't know that you think Slattery's character knows Big. No, I'm trying to bring him to the third quest. You know, like what Hamilton did. Wow. Wow. You really are an artist. That's what I've been telling you. Oh. Did you know wow is the only word that mom spells if you flip it upside down? You did. Well, did you know that when Robert De Niro or Kevin Costner or Kevin Hufferman or whoever the guy is for, I cannot remember his name right now, but he was in the movie that took place in San Francisco where the mom, Mrs. Robinson, Dustin Hoffman said, I'm walking here. Okay. Never mind. Yeah, I got you. I'm really happy with how this podcast has gone. Me too. I don't remember if you answered what made you want to do He-Man. Scoot-doo, blubber-dee-bloo, Scoot-dee, oh yeah!