Alex English & Jared Freid w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

[MUSIC] >> Hey, we might be drunk, we got Big Al English here. >> Big, what's your name? >> What's up? >> I've been dead, yeah. >> Bad for spotting. >> No, come on. >> I've been coming to the seller in all white outfits lately. And Liz has been like. >> Left over from the ditty part. >> Yeah, but this is exactly what he's doing. >> What the fuck is this? >> Or Kanye. >> Yeah, what's up? >> Hey, you look good. >> Thank you. >> Yeah, we've been wanting to have you on here. The last guy who drinks in this town. >> Am I really? >> Well, it feels like it. >> Sometimes a little too much. >> You get sloppy sometimes. >> I would say Sam has seen me at my work. >> But you're a funny sloppy girl. >> Well, what was the next morning like? >> He paid for breakfast. >> Hey, all right, all right. >> Not bad. >> Well, I have Sam as long as I remember we did this outdoor show. Remember, I felt like I told you this before. >> I don't know. >> I mean, we were doing some outdoor show on like Green Point. And at the time I had been hooking up with this dude. And he had mentioned, we were talking about you. I think he was like a fan of like seeing your stuff. And so we hooked up maybe like twice. So the guy that I was hooking up with ended up at the show in the audience outdoors with me that being Sam were both on. And when I left, he, the guy I was hooking up with, DM me, it was like my friend that came with me, another gay guy. He was like, Sam were real, would totally suck his dick. >> Hey, hey, hey, that's nice. >> You can slow down with the lady. >> Hey, you got one. >> I got one. >> You got one. >> Yeah. >> I get some day at gay DMs, I get a lot of dicks thrown at me. >> Do you get pictures thing? >> I do. >> I hate when straight dudes get all, cuz I don't really be ever getting. >> Really? >> I'll pour them to you cuz I don't need them. >> But they're always better than my dick, which is always a bummer. >> Well, it's like coming home with like French money or something. >> Yeah, I can't do anything with this, it's pesos. >> I don't know, I mean, I have recently been trying to put myself in like the Matteo Lane. >> Well, what a sex symbol, you know. >> Pull up the picks. >> I just, you know, it's too hot, it's throwing me off. >> And I can only imagine what Matteo's DMs look like. >> I'm sure they're incredible. >> I went in there once. >> And yeah, yeah, it's just like, I want that type of-- >> That hairs your future, Mark. >> That's you, buddy. >> I can't help but look at you and just be like, what is underneath there? >> I'll show you off camera, this is bad. It looks like you're ass after a long night, it's all mangled and wet. Shiny, look at this, son of a bitch. >> That's what I'm talking about, like I need to take more pictures like that, cuz I'm in the gym. I'm not like, I'm not on my tail as level whatsoever. >> But every now and again, I'll hop on the stories and, you know, put the picture I would to start listening, like, you know, the link to the show. >> And do you get a lot of DMs from that? >> No, I still don't really have a lot of, like, I don't even have a lot of like gay dudes that come to my show, I was like, what? >> What's your audience? >> Y'all. >> I'm a big fan, I love your stuff. >> I get a lot of white guys and I love me. Or I'll get, I've gotten this recently, I'll get, like, a straight table with straight dudes, and then one gay guy. And that's always, like, he brought them all? >> Well, I asked, they'll be like, he saw you on a podcast, he's like, you got to come see this guy. >> Right, right. >> But I like, I appreciate that too, cuz that kind of mirrors my life anyway, I'm sitting with y'all. >> Yeah, that's a straight guy, I watch your act and it doesn't feel like, like, oh, he's a gay comic, it's just good jokes. >> Thank you. >> And that's why I like it. >> Thank you. >> It's not enough, it's hope you never talk. >> We do. >> Just fired another gay comics listening. >> Well, just gay comics. >> Every comic, like, the fact guys, like, I'm a fact guy, I'm a fact guy, look how fat I am. >> Yeah. >> It's your whole thing that I get bored. >> Totally. >> Well, see, this is the thing, here's what I'm glad I'm here, I'm glad I hear this share this with you guys. I think, we always just joke around when we see each other, but I never, let me take my prep. >> Well, I got, this episode is going on only for me. >> You know, cuz I came around in 2012, right? So I, like, I showed up in New York when, like, y'all were, like, I kind of called y'all all like the white boys, y'all were like, y'all were like, the white boys running around New York. >> Yeah. >> I tell you to call us the seller white. >> Yeah, y'all were. It was like, YouTube list. >> It was a good meme list, yeah. >> Yeah, YouTube list. >> So. >> Yeah, Mike Lawrence. >> Right, right. >> Like, y'all were kind of like popping off and like, you know, showing up on YouTube everywhere when I'm still looking for stash times somewhere. >> Sure. >> Like, even like, you know, like, Jay is another white boy in there, you know what I mean? Like, I get it. >> Y'all existed and kind of came up in that same time when I was just getting it started. So I would do, or just go to a hangout at bar shows and then, here y'all come, y'all walking in, not even booked, and then you'd be like, oh, Norman wants to do like five real quick. Or even the open mic. She was sometimes popped up at Mike's. >> Right, right. >> It would be like, oh, okay, I guess I'm getting bumped at the fucking open mic. I can't win with this motherfucker in town, but it was cool to see y'all, you know, kind of do you even like having a bar netting? >> Oh, yeah. >> Japan, like, you know, like, running around and I was just like, if I can at least get to the level where, at that time, I was like, if I can at least get to the level where I can walk into a random show and maybe like, Alex is here, then I feel like it's getting-- >> You'll get there someday, bro. >> But hey, you got the SNL, baby. >> Yeah. >> That was a big accomplishment. >> It was cool. You know what? It happened really at the craziest time because I also got passed at the cellar like a month or two before then. So I was like geeked about that. >> Yeah. >> And I was cool with letting that be like, all right, this is my year. I'm at the cellar every night, whatever. And then SNL showed up and I was just like, I guess, I'm guessing I'm just-- >> What was the process for you to get an eye out for that? >> So it took me--back, like the year of 2019, I had submitted my very first packet and I got like no response. Then the second year, it wasn't through, it was like, I had gotten agents by like 2020. So then I got like a direct link to get them to get them to look at the packet. So I just kept doing it. I just kept doing the packet. I was like, whatever. They keep asking me, obviously that just means that I'm still sort of somewhere in your mind. In the pandemic season, I had gotten to like the Zoom audition, because it was a pandemic, so Zoom audition with like the producers. And it was cool, but they only hired like one person out of that. So the third time I did it, and I also like auditioned, so I auditioned and submitted the packet and they were like, we want to bring them out as a right. So it was cool, but in three years later-- >> Did your audition stand up or were you auditioning what? >> I tried to do some sort of characters and I was like, you should have just done standard. >> Really? >> Remember a character that we have to kill on you. >> You don't have the right bills. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> We got to hear it. >> They make soups. They make the jack-and-whip-and-est thingy thing there, yeah. >> What did he sound like? >> It's good to be home, it's good to be home. >> It's truly the same as just like my straight god voice. It's good to be here when we might be drunk. >> Every like last word has to sort of stop before it ends. >> Right. >> It doesn't really fully pronounce the very last word you say it's what I know. But they were like, Kenan already does, it's just go right, like we don't need that. So I spent three years doing that when it kind of pulled me out of the cellar in a way that I'm looking now at everybody else and it was actually going up. I'm like, damn, I really couldn't-- I didn't do that, right? I could have still like committee myself to do a stand-up a little more than I did. I just felt a little pressure to like be present in that building and just like learning. So much that it kind of took me away from stand-up and being able to be in my act. So by the time we would be on hiatus, I'd be like, damn, what are my jokes? I'll be forgetting my sets and shit, I'm like, damn, I'm fucking up. >> Totally. >> So, fast forward three years later, I get the nice knowing you, and I get about it there. And literally the day. >> How do they fight you? >> Well, they don't really say anything directly to you. They call your ribs, and your ribs call you, and they're like, I tell you exactly where I was. I was walking down 7th Avenue South for some reason. I was like near, I was like in the West Village area, and my manager calls me. He's like, they didn't even get a contract. I was like, yeah, so I just kind of just walked all the way back to my apartment at Lower East South where I was living and then was just like, all right, what are we going to do? And the first thing I did, the night of was just go to the cellar and I saw it. It was a Friday. >> You worked out that check and breathe. >> I'm working in the air. >> I did it for SD, yeah. But I came, I sat next to her, I was just like, got the boot, no longer, no longer, no longer. And she was just like, well, you're back home. I'm like, yes, exactly, exactly. I was like, this is what I should have just been like. So it was the first place I went back to. Ever since then, it's just been like, it's been so nice to just go and be at the club the other thing. >> It's kind of like being married to a super model. You know it's not going to last, but you got to do it just to do it. And then when she divorces you, you're like, well, this is about right. >> And it really is a time, it sucks up time. I was in a relationship throughout the last half, the last season that I was there. I was in a relationship and I remember my ex being like, you were getting ready to get dumped a few times while you were working here. So he was sort of relieved that I had even got fired because he was like, it was tough dating you while you were there. I was going through it. >> But it's tough doing this whenever you're dating is kind of rooting against career stuff. >> I know. >> Because I'm seeing a woman now and I was like, this movie might get pushed back and she turned in smiles. I was like, "Don't fucking do that." - Don't root against me. - I got him back. - She knew I'd have more time in the city after these tour days. And I was like, "You can't root against me." - Yeah, you're right. - You should ship in like any like stand up or just like even that job. It's like, it really is a challenge because the job released. Especially if you like live with someone. And like, my ex had a job that was like, you know, eight to six, nine to five, you know. So, you know, we were living together. And at one point, it was like, you know, I'm coming in at whatever time. - Sure for you. - From the seller, whatever. Waking him up, the dog's barking. And he's like, "I can't sleep, but I'm like, "uh, this might not work." - Right. - So what I do. And it's always like, I really don't love being text. This is what I learned about myself in my last relationship. I don't love being told or being asked, what time are you coming back? - I hate that I'm with you. - Excuse me? I'm a lone wolf baby, off my ass. And I get it. That's like communicating with your partner. - Sure. - You know what I'm like. - You're like, I'm drunk at a bar. - Yeah. - I don't know when I'm coming back. - Right. - Let's get to the other part. There was such a selfishness to doing what we do. We're like, someone's like, "I wanna wander." Someone's like, "I wanna take a little straw "and just zap out, you know, but. " - But I think if you're a gay comic, you kind of got it better. 'Cause, you know, it should be better at least. Not every gay guy's the same. But like, most of gay guys, especially ones that aren't couples that I know are like, yeah, I just let him do whatever he'll have to be back. - Oh, that's heaven. - But that's usually like open relationships, you know? - Yeah. - Which I think that might be my next pet. - Ooh. - I don't know, dude. - You don't see it from me? - I just don't know if it's sustainable. - It's sustainable. I mean, what? - Oh, my for a gay guy, I think it's all easier. - Maybe. - Yeah, man. I just don't think there's ever a world or a moment in my life where I don't wanna fuck some new dude. I don't know. - Yeah. - I just love, like, I always had a query. - I hate it. - I was like, (laughing) - It's a new medication. - What's up? - I was at a club. - Well, the mark does look like a gay guy in the 80s right now. - Right now, yeah. - Prison. - Prison. (laughing) - Which are Artifu Quasher. (laughing) - I was at a club. - All Mark Pantones. - Sorry, sorry. (laughing) - No, I was at the, I was at the, I had left these gay club a couple of weeks ago. And literally, I think, that someone introduced the two of us, there was just some guy. Oh my God, you knew it looked exactly like that. In fact, it was so wide around the side of your head. - Got me. - Is this like a toy? - I can't touch it. - It's nice. - I look like Lord Helmut in Space Park. - It's all like this, right? - Yeah, yeah, I'm like a vampire. - Quarps style. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Hold on. (laughing) - But no, I went to a club a couple of weeks ago and I said, truly said hello to this dude. He said hello back. And after that, we just made up. - Oh. - This is what I'm talking about. - I haven't had that happen in such a long time where that's the, you haven't said, it's a handshake. It's the gay handshake. - That's heaven. - Gay dudes as adults live like high schoolers at house parties. - Yeah, but even if you're not, you can just cook. - But they also call that the arrested development. (laughing) Peter Pan syndrome, which I think, you know, gay men do suffer from that. Especially if you're like older, like all these elder like gay guys who didn't really get to be gay for real, then that's where a lot of them like to like hook up with 20 year olds and when they're like in their 60s and shit. And it's just like, well yeah man, y'all didn't let them be 20 gay guys when they were like, but then there's some gay guys who like, yeah, I've been doing this, I've been sucking dick since 1970, whatever, and he's loved Rick Crone. (laughing) Have y'all seen his documentary? - No. - He has a documentary that I came across on YouTube a few months ago, and it basically is also telling like the beginning of the seller in a way that I didn't even know. - Wow. - I've heard it's a good dog. - And there's a lot of like cameos and a lot of like cool people show up in it. And I'm like, oh shit, Rick really like started this shit in a way that I had. - We got to show Rick's a comic of the seller. - It's called Oh Rick. - Okay. - I mentioned to him when I saw him not too long ago, I was like, this documentary rocks, somebody like shit like buy this. - Oh, I watch that. - It's really good. Yeah, Bershell's up in it and everything. I was very taken by it. - Wow, okay. - Yeah. - How the hell'd you find this? - I mean, I don't know what y'all is algorithm on YouTube, but there's a lot of comedy and like real housewives shit on mine, basically. - Holy shit, that's young, Rick. - No. - That might be a hoax. - That might be somebody, but there he is. And he used to basically just like, when the seller first started, he was out here just like, on the keys doing big bits and forming the audience up and everybody up, it's a really good documentary. I truly recommend it to everybody who's curious about the origins of New York's stand. - Alex, going backwards. Are you a gold star gay? - Remind me, gold star is that I've never been with a woman before. - Correct. - No, I'm not actually. I can tell you on hand, I've eaten five vaginas in my life. - Wow. - Wow. - Very good. - I only inserted my penis inside of two. - Okay. - So two out of the five. - You know who's right away? - Put sure. - Yeah. - And it wasn't for you? - Huh? - That wasn't for you? - What was it for me? - Any of that stuff. - I mean, you kept going back. - I kept going back. See, here, and this is my theory. - Right. - This is my theory. - Judy Gold. (laughing) - My theory is that, well, I question maybe. Am I gay or had I, have I just not had the right pussy? Or not? (laughing) - We're all living just bad. - We're just bad. - We're all living just bad. - We're just bad. - Yeah, we're just bad. - We're just bad. - The people watching the listener are like, "Thank God, it was getting real gay, I mean." (laughing) - That was hard. - Look at the pants. - Oh yeah. - My pants, baby. - Look at that. Before the labor day. - Yeah. - Let me just give you a heads up. - I got the hair surgery. - Yeah. - Really? - Yeah. - That was, you were never a not hair guy to me. - Huh? - You were like, "I wouldn't think of you as being." - I'm getting ahead of it. - I'm getting ahead of it. - Is this like a Hollywood thing? Is this like a camera thing? - I guess a career thing. I didn't want to be bald. I looked, I looked dumb bald. - The curly hair bald can be tough. - Curly hair is bad as bald. - Yeah, that's, well, then you got to go full-lary, David. - Exactly, exactly, so you got a great head of lettuce. - The hair is, you know, that's something that I got lucky with. That is-- - What's the body hair situation like? - I have the shape of a phoenix rising. - Nice. (laughing) - On my chest. - I go for a backwax. - Whoa. - Monthly. - Monthly backwax. - Oh, so the podcast is still pretty good. (laughing) - No, I, it's funny you say that. - Yeah. - I was, well, I have like a burner account on Twitter. - Why would you do that? - Well, 'cause my old Twitter account got hacked by some Japanese company. So, and it was right around when Elon bought it. So, I just like tried to email the people to get it back and nobody got back to me. - You know what I mean? - It's a customer service. - I was just like, I want my account back. But then I was just like, fuck it. It's partly best that I don't have it anymore. But I still was like kind of itching. Like, I couldn't eat my Twitter a little bit. So, I opened up, you know, a new account. And today, I scrolled on to a Twitter account that this guy does backwaxing and also asks like be like, oh, Zilly, one man. - Pull it up? - So, he's waxing men's butts. But after he's done, he eats the butt. - Oh! - That's what they got. - Full service. - I couldn't, I couldn't tell you what the name of it is. I don't know. - What? - What's happening? - I don't know. - But it just showed up one morning. - So, I'm just stopping before the end. - It showed up on my morning, you know, porn scroll. - I like it. - I think someone's coming in there and just feeling like, okay, I gotta get moving real quick. - Yeah. - I forget about the wax. - I thought the guy was like, I found a hair in my food. (laughing) - That means he didn't do his job. - Yeah. - So does that count as like not being a hooker? Like is that not sex work? If you're like, I'm doing sex work. - No, it's sex work. - For sure. - I think it's like his only fan thing. - Would you like to do that? - Yeah, man. - I don't know. - Wow. Won't even let us open it up. And I like to see your side. - It's your phone number. - Oh, it's old. - It's old. - So, you guys think a cash register just mentioned is the 49ers on it, right? - Yeah. - The 49ers went to a trailer, he got caught in a stang. He literally went online to go get a blowjob from someone. And they were like, come to this trailer park $160. - That's a steal. - Right. - But that should be your first sign. (laughing) - Pussy should not cost $160. - But it's a trailer part. - But it wasn't pussy. - What was it? - Mouth. - Oh, a blowjob. - Oh, guy blowjob. - I wonder what's the going rate for like, you know, an entry level sex worker these days. $68. (laughing) - Because $16. - Creep a lot more to sell it. - The Gen York thing is like, it's pretty wild. Like, it's just like, why do you, you need this? Is this the kink? - That's the kink. - Is that's the kink? - Well, he's super rich, so maybe he likes trailer parts. - Oh, it's like Cosby, he could get laid. It's the kink is the, the passing out. - Oh, that's the, I don't know if he could. - I don't know if we can call it a kink either. - That's the, that's the, that's the, that's the, I'm lying, huh? - Speed is a kink. - I love that. - Draven women can't be a kink. - I love that, you said he could get laid. - I get in crime, that is something you, you're after something, that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying, that's what I'm saying. - There's a twist. - I'm just like, I get what you're saying, Mark. He could, Cosby could, because he's on TV, but look at him, he's here, even back then. I'm like, he needs to drug women to get-- - No. - Come on. - I wanna blow on Cosby. - Oh, young Cosby. - Oh, yeah. - Cops of Cosby. - You don't even blind Cosby, you fucking blind Cosby too? - I'm not, I'm not. It's Delaris. - You're not looking at his butt after a waxing? - After, oh, that blade, imagine what that hole is. - Oh, I put a lot of yellow pudding. (laughing) - He's a full sweater back then. - No. - You like the back of Mark's head? - I still can't believe you got the hair transplant. - I just got it over with. - Do you American one or go to Turkey? - I did it here. - Dale. - You fuck Mateo. - Yeah. - Yeah. (laughing) - He's getting the list, dude. - Wow, that's a new one. - Soder, Mateo, hell, same guy. - Same guy. - Yeah, two-year waiting list. - Yeah, he's good. - Mark is nine months away from heaven and then lies a mannelian personation. (laughing) - I'm the only pussy who's still working. All these guys took a month off. - They took a month off. - So you're going on the road with, let me see. - Ah, I can't. - I'll see you later. - It's good off. - 'Cause you're the way you're wearing the hat. - I know it's like a-- - Obvious. - Yeah. - The hat has to be out on the sides and up. - Well, would you be obvious if you didn't say anything I wouldn't have said. - I wasn't. - Never really wear hats. - That's true. - You walked in. I was like, what's you doing with a hat on the neck? - I thought you were someone else when I first walked in. - Oh, weird. - I will be soon. - Yeah, he said. (laughing) - Well, it's weird to see the shaved like that or in the head. - Yeah. - And I got a bad mole right there. A good friend of mine went to Turkey and did it and he was like, they only knock you out, like a numb your head. - Yeah, there are hats above him while doing this. And he said the funniest part was that when you get to Turkey it's all these like cocky dudes. Like it's a full flight of men who are like, I'm about to get my groove back. - Right. - And then he said on the way out, they have all lost all confidence. They just called their hairwrapped. - They were swollen. - They were swollen, right? - They can't, they can't, they can't rest up. It's like-- - Right. - It's stuck away. Or bandage cup. I love those pictures of those guys on the fly from back home. - Yeah. - With the bandages, collective bandages, all just like, look at any economy. - Different mood on that fly. - Oh my God. Give it a few days fellas. - Yeah. - But good for you, that's good. - Hey, thanks, thanks. - Well, that's, it's just surprise. I never thought, that's the thing. You think of certain people as hair people. - That's the ultimate compliment. It's like, I didn't even know you needed it. - Right. - Actually, you some of your back hair. - Right. - To put it in. - And they say the best time to get plastic surgery is before you need it. - That's what they told me. - That's like the, you know, that's like the Reese Witherspoon of it all. Like, how do you look good as you age? How do you age well? You do little by little. You don't want to be caught at the end. You know, it's like, you don't want to go do your act. You know, oh, we're going to take the special. I got a week to work. - Right. - Get ahead of that. - Bad special. - We're not like you, it's just fucked. (laughing) - Yeah. - Did you guys ever do any cosmetic stuff? - I need to, I need to, I need to take a little trip my damn stuff. - You're okay. - It's because I'm busy. So they kind of just like, but all up here, I need a little, you know, I need a little touch up in the front, you know what I'm saying? - For James. - Yeah, I need, it's getting there, it's getting there. People, that's why like, I'll do like a taping for something. And I'd be like, do not turn go back at any moment to the audience trying to do. It's just so like, uh, but I also don't, I tried to go bald during the pandemic once and I didn't hate it, but I was just like, it changes a lot. - Yeah, it's weird. I'm also not ready to be like a gay, black dude that's bald woulda be here. Didn't you really just like, gay, like, are you just a real true unk in this, you know, she, that's the old, old gay look? - I truly looked like, I looked bald. I looked like every older gay guy I used to hit on me when I was like 20. - Whoa. - Whoa. - I was like, I don't want to beat him again. - It comes here fast. - It does, yeah. - It does. - It does. - I'm on a GLP1, which is like, that's the same, to me that comes from the same place. - Yeah. - A little bit, but then when I got on the GLP1, I was like, it's changed what I think of it. Like, it's not a, I don't think of it as a weight loss drug as much as like a ADD medication. - Really? - Yeah. Like, 'cause I'm realizing that my issues with food was like brain stuff. And when you take the GLP1, like the idea that I'm like injecting and then all the fat is melting off my face. - Sure. - That's not what's happening. - No. - I'm eating in a way that feels human now. - Got it. - That's what you're saying. - Oh, your drunk order might be the craziest. Like, it was like three bagel sandwiches or something. - Wait, what? - There's something crazy. - We read it here. - Oh, last time I came on, I brought like 30 recommendations. - Yes. - And then I got, you know, I kept reading the comments, people were like, "We get it, you eat a lot." (laughing) - So you got a big bag, big time. - I haven't drank in more than a year. - What? - Really? - You were like me, right? - I'm the last person that drinks in this video. - You're the last person that you guys drinking? - I still do. - Yeah, yeah. - I took a month off and then just kept it going. And like I-- - You feel good. - I felt, here's the thing. It's like the sleep is better. It's all the old guys. - Yes, true, it's true. - Sleep is better. I feel better. I don't have anxiety as much. And then like I was like, "Do I need this in my life?" And then food tastes better. I'm going out to dinner. - How did you do it? - How did you do it? - How did you kick it, old man? It was, I wanted to see if I could do a month. I think once you get to the end of the month, and then I was at a wedding, and I'm with all my buddies from college. - Oh, wedding is tough. - Wedding, I was like, "I'll do it." The goal was get to the wedding just to make sure I could do it. - Wow. - And then when I was like, "Okay, this feels like I feel good about this, I could do it." And then I was like, "Do I want to keep it going?" Like is this necessary for me? Do I feel good enough without it? - Yeah. - I got to say, non-alcs, one non-alc gets me there, the feeling of like having the beer. And I just haven't, and I remember my dad, it started because my dad and I played golf, and he goes, "What would make you feel better if you did it for a month?" And I was like, "Okay, Danny Tanner." (laughing) And I was like, "I could probably go off a month "of a drinking." And I was like, "But I'm going to Rochester, "and I got to drink in Rochester." - You got to. - And then I was like, "I'm going to Nashville "at the end of the month." I was like, "That's a fun place. "I can't not drink in Nashville now." - That's the thing is like, you're walking fish. - There's a reason to drink everywhere. - Right, yeah. - Like you're like, "An Arbor, I got to drink an an Arbor." It's either good or bad once a drink. - Totally. - Not literally a college town. - Yeah, I'm gonna drink. - And that's the point where you go, "Well, if I can't not do it there." And though, if every scenario needs drinking, and I have to be able to not drink in every scenario, yeah. And then I'll never get my dad a month after I got, a month after that whole thing. He's like, "Are you still not drinking?" And I go, "Yeah," he goes, "I thought I was gonna kill two birds with one stone." I thought, you know, you got to get a stop drinking, but you haven't lost any weight. - Oh. (laughing) - What would replace the alcohol? - Oh, food. - Yes. - You go out. - I thought even with the GLP one. - I'm still enjoying food. The GLP one, you don't enjoy food thing, overrated. - Okay. - But the portions are smaller. - The portions are smaller. The extra curricular eating is taken out. Like I, I think like the, like you could have the breakfast burrito and not have the chips that come with it. - Right. - Like, all the stuff I didn't care to eat, but Woody, it felt like it took care of that for me, which I'm like, listen, I am like, they should be paying me. Like I am in this field. I am so in favor of it. - Really? - I think it's the best drug ever. - Oh. - It's like you and Serena Williams. - That's the best drug ever. - Two athletes. - A couple of athletes just getting on the drugs and my parents were on it. - Both of you women. (laughing) - That was right there. (laughing) - Just took. - No, I had to slow down. Sam, Sam, you mentioned it earlier, you were like, yeah, I like to be getting, you be getting wild. - Yeah, I heard a story at Xanius. - You, I was like, I'm talking about it. I was like, I'm gonna talk about it. - I was like, I'm gonna talk about it. - Yeah, I know. - This is the mom. - Oh, I heard that one. - This is the mom, you've heard about it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh my God, it's God. - Everybody, oh God. - We're excited about it here. - So, all right, so. - He was a loose. - I was real, it was too much. - Okay, so. - He made a man's ass. (laughing) - That would have been the last. - He was just, yeah. - That's what happened. - So like, okay, so it was happened this January. It was this year, earlier this year. So. - Hard time to be in Chicago with the fans. - Very cold. - I was taking the gig. - So this was the second time in a row, second year in a row, where they asked me to come pull up, like at the start of the new year in January. - All right. - First, the last year had great, great, great weekend, great weekend, 'cause I did Nashville's and he's in, and they were like, oh, go do Chicago ASAP. So, I was like, okay, let's do it. So. - Another town where you're like, I got a drink. - I got a drink. - I got a drink. - I got a drink. - I got a drink. - Oh my Lord. - Oh my Lord. - Oh my Lord, yeah. - Lord, everyone's pushing it on you. - Yeah. - And January's a dry month for a lot of people. So, you coming in guns blazing like that. - Oh my Lord. - So, this is what happens. So, the whole weekend, Thursday, Friday, and even like the first Saturday shows, great, perfect, perfect, perfect show. This last show, okay, so my Saturday last show, last year I wrote on a new barbershop show that's coming out on Amazon. - Okay, cool. - So, they filmed the show in Chicago. They were rapping the same, they had the rap party and the same night as my last show. So, the cast, Germain, Ponky, all of them were like, oh, are we coming to your last show? Are we coming to your final shows after we lead a party? So, I'm like, okay, cool. We do the, I do the first show, great. So, like the whole weekend, my green room was basically just me, my house, and the future. 'Cause I was just chilling. I was working. - It's funny when comics talk about the last show, we sound like those cops are gonna retire. - Yeah. - Yeah. - They were like, one more. - I got one more. - We were, it's been three days. - I just, I just serve to get blackout drunk, it's been three nights. - I'm hard enough. - Yeah. So, usually when I'm gonna retire, I'm gonna get my girl gold watch. - Right. - I needed parental supervision at this point, yeah. - Oh boy. - Puttin' up, but usually when I'm on the road and I'm doing a club, like, the bar, every, all these bartenders there, they are, they know, I mean, I'm like, I keep it professional. - Totally. - I'll have like a drink or two that bring the drink up with me on stage and I'm taking it with them the whole hour. In this case, the first show went well, but then the cast is showing up for the last, for the second show. - Okay. - Okay. - And they've all been partying, celebrating barbershop, so they all have stairs with me while, like, the second show's coming through. - Yeah. - And they are, like, punkies, ornament shots, another cast member's ornament shots. And I've already had, like, my first two. - Right, right. - And I was just, I was gonna kick it, but the cast was like, there you go, there you go. There you go. - And they just got off a set. - Yeah. - So they're like, we have nothing to wake up for them. - Yeah. - Yes, so I, I live, the hosting feature they go up, and I'll also leave. punky, you know, do a little time to get, you know, she's gonna do her thing. And from what I was told, Jermaine told me this, he said punky was like dropping like mad f-bombs and like kind of doing her wild lesbian shit and there were like some gay black dudes in the back who were pissed. So the vibe, so even punky told me at some point like she could feel like she might have like, she might have like kind of messed them up a little bit before it was time for me to go on. - The f-bombs and the slur? - The slur? - Okay. - Oh. - You can say it on here. - Well, yeah, she was just standing, faggot, faggot, faggot left the right, which was what she said. - You can say it once. - She said it when we get it. - It's my word, okay? - Yeah. - Notice I said it three, bring this one. - Oh, yeah, you said it three, bring this one. - You said it three, bring this one. - Mark is so jealous that you can say both those words. - Yeah. - You got them all. - Wait, what are the other, what's the other one? - Oh, come on, don't make me. - All right. - No, I, so, so, mind you, I've now had, I'm like, when I tell ya, it was time for me to get on stage, and I don't even truly remember the first. - Oh, yeah. - The way you're telling this is like, you don't remember. - I truly don't. And all I remember is at some point kind of looking to my left, down at my left, saying something that I know like a joke that I have in the crowd just being disgusted. I think what I was told was that I had repeated, I was repeating. - Yeah, that's a bitch. - And I just was like crazy. It's sort of black, half blacked out, and like I literally had to get like the host in the future. - When I was told after a show, never a good way to start the set. - So, I was informed. - I remember walking offstage, and like just them, the audience is like being upset with me, and so I like left, went straight to the hotel, like passed out in my flight with the next day. So, I literally got like, booed out of Chicago. - Oh my God. - Well, it's funny, the repeating the joke thing is like such a, you think you would never see it such a nightmare. - Such a nightmare, yeah. - But it's a drunk on stage thing, and when you see it, you kind of have that. - Oh, yeah. - I know, I open for, you ever see the Don Gavin? - Yeah. - I open the Don Gavin, he had like a save for it. - Really? - Really? - He would go. - He's such a drunk. - He would get drunk, but Don, it's a little hilarious. - Godfather of comedy, you go on stage, you go. He goes, did I repeat a joke? The record's 11. (laughing) - So, yeah, same. - At least he was of sound mind to be able to even be there. - Right, well that's how professional of a drinker was. - It's a professional and unprofessional. You start writing for the bomb. You start writing for the problem. - You already know it's gonna happen. - That's what he's one of the greatest, you know? - So, I had to get on the phone with buff, 'cause even like, you know, Robbie, who's the manager there, like he's cool as shit, and so he even caught me and was like, this, I mean, 'cause I had, I don't have like a reputation for, you know, mis-treating? - That's why we're giving you shit, that's why it's funny. - No, I fucked up, you know, so, and I just like, hey, that's all I did, I called, I called Robbie, I talked about it with him, I called, I had to call like, the general manager, the head dude of Zane's to be like, "Hey, dog, and I can sing." - It's just such a stupid career. I had to talk to the board of Zane's. (laughing) - I like, but I- - That's the guy with a red nose. (laughing) - Mr. Zane, he's pretty good. (laughing) - I had to, you know, and hand just like, I apologize, but I could've since the at the end of the phone call that like, he still was somewhat not thrilled about his shit, and I just, but they were, but what I really respected and was like, really happy about was that like, everybody was just like, are you okay? 'Cause I also was getting DMs from people being like, hey dude, as a gay fan of yours, I used to also suffer from stuff that abused them. I'm like, what's up? - It ain't dang, it ain't, I'm not drinking myself to sleep every night. - Right, right, right, right. - But it says, "Datatat," and even then, I never fucked up my job like he just did. - Let's see, he did get some DMs after all. - Yeah. (laughing) - So, outreach. - Yeah, I was getting outreach, but now I just, you know, I was like, that's time of the good time, but that was just one moment where I was like, oh, I had a super laps in judgment. - Yeah. - Even when it's just like my, like, I wasn't blaming on anybody because I knew, I knew I fucked up and we've all met. - I did that three, I repeated it like three times at a place called Star Barn in Atlanta. They had a drink. - Oh, yeah. - It was $5 for a shot of Yeager and a glass of, like, whiskey and Coke or some crazy, and I had like five, six of them. Repeated the joke, the punch line was, it was a shopping cart. (laughing) On the third time, I did the pause and some guy yells out, it was a shopping cart, so he did my bit to me, and that's when I was like, I might have a problem. - And the thing is, we work at these places and you become friendly with the bartenders. - Yeah, and they think it's like a fun game to like, oh, you like double vodka's in a pint glass. - Yep. - So I'll fill, you know, let me get you going. And you're like, I don't, I don't need this at all. - The pint glass is a problem. - I was a big pint glass. - Liz, at the comedy cell of the manager, Liz, always sipping martinis out of a pint glass. I'm like, you're a savage. - I love it though. - I love it though. - Yeah, but you ain't even watching all the time. - You're stumbling, I love it. - I love a good martini. - But hold on, she's watered down pretty quick like that. - Yes. - Yes. - Yeah. - It will work against you. You lose your pace. - You, I started up drinking drinking. - But they think they're hooking you up, but you're ruining my night. - I get them for free either way. - Exactly. - So we could go slow on. - Let me pace myself. - I've gotten instead of their sets of mine, or I like watched them and I'm like, woo, there you did a little too much. - I thought this was the one time thing. - I was in the hole. - Yeah. - I'm not black, I work in jokes, but I'm literally, like I noticed like, when you get the McDougal sets, I love watching, 'cause I'm like, you are such a bane bitch, me talking to myself, because that mirror is so distracting. - Oh, it's very tricky, yeah. - I don't like it. - If people don't know that the seller McDougal room, they, there's a mirror right there that you have. You're basically looking at yourself every time you look ahead, if you're not looking. I have to always be kind to-- - I don't think I've ever looked at, I've never seen it. - I've never, I've never seen it. - I'm always like kind of adjusting myself. - I'm the same way. - Fixed in myself. I'm like, I should be looking at these people. - I'm like, I can't, I can't believe I'm doing, I'm showing, stretching my traps. (laughing) - That was a set is going on, I'm like, let me just make sure. - I gotta comment the other day, Mark, put your shoulders down, 'cause I'm always like, (laughing) - Commenting? - You got it, you got it, you're right, I do do that. So I always try to lower 'em. - Yeah. - I've definitely told people, like you go through phases, we have a few too many drinks early on in comedy, and I'm like, yeah, I'm like, I'm better drunk, and some guy was like, you think so? - Listen, a dragon, you're trying to get this mix of like, food and booze and being tired that you can't replicate. - No. - It's loose. - If you can't listen to the set, because you know, you're skipping, you're like, ugh. - I truly, I was like, y'all don't have to send me those tastes. (laughing) From the day I was like, I don't need you. I'm gonna see the one file that I'm like, it's too short, no, if someone does ever have an intervention for you, they'll like, bring out the tag. (laughing) - Show him himself in a meltdown. - Yeah. - To a meltdown, not meltdown. - Saturday, late show, Xanies, now. - But I do, I do, I owe Xanies in some way. I do, and I do, once we put that out there. - They'll have me back. - They go take a little break. - Hearing about it a week later. - No, yeah. - They were hearing about it. - I heard about it. - Other comics who were like, I want to Chicago, and I heard you was out there going crazy. I'm like, oh, I'm telling you guys to start, like I went to the comedy works, and I had the whole weekend sold out, so I was like, give me the buyout for the hotel, and they're like, well, we have this. - The condo. - The condo, and I'm like, and it was my first time there, and I'm adding a six shows, so I was like, what am I gonna say? And they're like, you gotta say the condo. Everyone loves the condo, and I didn't want to sound like I was like, above it. So I was like, I'll take the condo, and I got there, and I was like, fuck this place. (laughing) I was like, there's no more condo. There's condos, they don't have VSBN. Like, I like to turn on the TV. Heavy SPM playing it all time, so there's no garbage can. I was like, and I did, I got there with the weekend, and the only reason I was mad, 'cause I was like, I wanted to get a nicer hotel, like I wanted to do my own thing. In the end of the weekend, I taped a podcast, my patron, and I did like a half hour about the condo. It was like going on about, there should be snacks. Like, if you're gonna make me stay here, not a hotel, the fridge should be full, which I still believe in. And then I get that with the podcast, it's the 30 minute podcast, 31 minutes later, I get a DM from the comedy works, being like, hey man, I'm a patron subscriber, I'm so sorry. What? The place, and I'm like, I'm sorry I go, I hope you, I was just making fun of this scenario, I'm not, I'm not really mad, like I wasn't mad, weeks go by, I'm getting, like, Siphah, Siphah sounds like, dude, they're talking about it. (laughing) There's a woman, there's a manager there who's like, who the hell is Jared free? What kind of a man needs moisturizer? And like the word, like they all listen to it, and then they're like, I saw Yamanika, Yamanika's like, who, they don't like you there, like, everyone was like, if anyone you wanna hear that from is Yamanika. Oh my God, she, and she gave me the same speech as Siphah, they keep wondering, what kind of a man needs moisturizers? - I'll second that. - I don't like that condo. - What? - Yeah, as far as condos go. - It took good condo, I don't wanna stay in the condo. - I wanna stay in the condo. - I thought they were tiny as a hotel room. - Sure. - With clean sheets. - Yeah. - I was in the window. - I was in, it was close. - It was close, but I was in there with Veter, and the walls don't go up. - So he was doing little footsteps every morning. - Yeah, I had to hear Sean Patton fucking a fetch in there. It was brutal, it was Yamanika. (laughing) - No. - Well, they also have that porch that has no hot, it's just a porch that people are throwing. - No, hot, I'll vote you. You have to. (laughing) - It's supposed to take-- If you're gonna do the condo and tell someone who's selling tickets for you. - Yeah. - Hey, this is a better option. You need to make it a better condo option to do what hotels can't fill up the fridge. - I love the club. I'm a hotel guy. - I should have got a CVS to do to fill up my amenities for the room. I'm standing. - Right, I would. - But there's a pinball machine. - Yeah. - It's all things that in the 90s when there was no internet, they couldn't find a place, it meant it was for a time, I'm sure. People were like, "Well, the pinball machine, I'll have something to do." - It's great if your Tom Hanks in the movie big. - That's what it is. - As an adult who's got work to do this weekend, I gotta make sure I'm sleeping, I gotta make sure I'm, yeah, so I'm hotel all the way, even if it's the shitty hotel. - I also do the buyouts everywhere, I don't care if I'm getting the same thing. I want the points. - Oh, the points? - That's a bonus. - Good point. - I want the points, I want my Bonvoy. Let's just end it because they're like, "We'll give you a 75 bucks a night." Fine, that's what it is. I'll go in, if it's 100 bucks a night and I'm happier. - Good point. Well, I fucked up with that condo because my first time there, I was a young broke comedian, and I got to stay in this condo where I'm just living in Bushwick with bedbugs and eight roommates. So I'm in this condo like, "This is heaven on earth, oh my god." So I'm trying to look cool to Colin Quinn on Monday at the seller, and I'm like, "Condo's amazing." He's like, "Really, condo? I'm like, I'm telling you, get the condo." So he got the condo, he calls me that day and he goes, "Fuck you." What am I doing here? This is plays, this is an arcade game. - Colin's 60. - I know, but I was so broken, delusional. - Oh, dude, this is heaven on earth. - Dude, I did the same thing to Marina Frank. When you're a young comic, just being in a hotel is cool. I was like, "Oh my god, I don't go to a hotel." - Yes, yes. - I was in this fucking, it was in like, what's that club? Last in Kirkland, it wasn't even in Seattle, then it was in Kirkland, like a suburb, and they put you up in this fucking. - You used to be a pizza hut. - Crackhead Motel. - Yeah. - Where it's literally like, it's a motel with like, you know, at one point a fucking, some guy I met, there's something literally passed out against my window. Like, I opened the thing, I was like, "That's fucking scary." So, but other than that, I was like, "Well, there's a waffle place across the street. This is great. I'm in a hotel." - Yeah. - And I remember Marina Franklin, a woman hits me up, and it's like, "Is this hotel good?" And at that time I was like, "Yeah, it's cool." - There's a waffle place across the thing, and she called me and she's like, "You stay here?" - Ah! - She was horrified. - Ah. - But at that time, I was like, "I was like, I must have been 23 or 24." I was like, "This is incredible." - Yeah, exactly. That's what I was going through. - Luckily for me, like, any position, any sort of situation where they were trying to offer me a condo, I'm just like, "I'll just find some gay dude to sleep over with." - [laughs] - The place is like here. - I did the same thing, I'm not even gay. - I just wanted to feel safe. - Grindr was very beneficial to me early in my standard career because I would do a bringer show at Gotham and need like six people, five to six people. So I'm on Grindr, like, "You want to come to my show?" - Just show up with your jokes. - Just show up with your jokes and a boner. - Yeah, yeah. - It was a real work. I did it twice, where I like met my quarter through Grindr and then we'll just leave a bunch of gay dudes at different tables. Like, no, no intention I'll ever really hook in up, I'm just like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a feeling." - [laughs] - Like, "God damn!" - Like, I was like, "The jokes are good, but he kept repeating them." [laughs] - Lucky shit. [laughs] - By the way, Jared has a new special idea on Netflix right now. Jared freeed the family plan. - Yeah. - Now on Netflix, right? - Oh, watch, please. - Yes. - One hour's story about going to the beach with my parents. - Come on. - That's it? - I love your stories about your family. - Yeah, my dad asked me how much I waited at the beach in 2018. And the whole specials about that. - Yeah. - Wow. - Does it have the Starbucks bit or the one thing when you're like, "Don't get the sandwich, is there that in it?" - Don't get the sandwich. - Like, "Don't get the fuck." You're doing a bitty of the night at the cellar. It was a while ago at the cellar, but it was really funny about like, just trying not to get the sandwich. - Oh, it was the, no, that's the new GLP1 show about like how, yeah, I was talking, well now it's like a continuation. I'm trying to do this story thing. Like, I want to do one little piece. And for this, it made sense because it's the one story. It was a minute long, and I kept telling it. And it was like, doing okay, but then I was like, "I gotta explain my dad, I gotta explain my mom." So it goes into these little, I make fun of Rob Lowe, I, you know, go with body issues, all that shit. And, but it all is one thing. And then now I was like, I like doing this so much. I was like, the next one will be my dad offered me his ozempic. - Oh. - And I was like, so mad about that. So now I'm talking, and then I went on ozempic. So now I'm like, you know, I try to like answer, you know, how when I get coffee, like, I was like, the whole time I'm there, like, the idea that people on ozempic aren't working hard is like crazy to me. - Yeah, right, right. - And we were working harder. - Your dad got you hooked. - My dad got me hooked, but I was like, "Oh, dad is ready to watch." - I wouldn't do that. (laughing) - I wouldn't have done it two years early if he didn't offer it to me. - Wow, that's hilarious. - My favorite one about your dad is, he's looking around. - Everybody's interracial. - Yeah. (laughing) - That's a special idea. - Yeah, I love that one. - Thank you. - I always, that's one of them jokes where I like, I always love waiting us, waiting to see you launching. (laughing) - I'm doing Friedman, it's the ICC. - Oh, that put you on the map. - Well, I think it did, I don't know. - That bit you. - It became such a thing, but I was like, I was in front of it. I was doing it when it was like, I put it together. It was like, a girl that I was talking to a friend of mine, she wouldn't fuck a guy 'cause he wore khakis. And then I heard about the ICC through Love Island. It was like a dating show in the UK. And they're like, I got the ICC. And then I gave, I was like, well, the ICC to me is a woman, you know, a guy does one thing, a girl doesn't want to fuck them. I was like, that's never happened to me in the history of women. That was like the whole thing. And then I went around the country asking women their ex. And then it became a thing. And then someone told me there's a guy and another guy who has a Netflix special, did another bit. Is like a version, like it's like the same bit. - Oh no. - Some British guy. - Oh no. - I was like, I don't know, I was like, I don't want to go watch it. - The writer. - But you did it first. - Yeah. - Like 2023, it's like a Mo something. - Mo Amher. - Mo Amher. - Gilligan. - Do you know what this guy is? - I don't know. I don't know. I don't follow British humor. - Yeah, he's like, and like I already did the ICC bit. And I was like, he's had to be black. - No, he's still everything. - Sorry. I mean, I did the bit and then it became like a thing. And then I got sent this so many times. I've never watched it. But I'm like, well, his is pretty good. - It's got a pretty good color. - Well, it kind of shows you this whole Netflix thing. - I'm about to say, it's kind of, he's in a hat. - I think everyone in the world is seen and then like, he's got a whole audience. - Yeah, I'm sorry. - I'm like, I'm like, sorry, he's kind of hot. - He's gonna be over already about even hearing the beat. - And it's British. - And he's British. - He's a good looking guy. - I know what the ICC for men is, and women are gonna like it. Hey, Willie, sometimes you want to relax, catch your buds without waking up, hung over and bloated. Willie's THC infused social tonic gives you an alcohol alternative that you can actually feel with a relaxing, uplifting buzz that kicks in in about 15 minutes. I love this stuff, hang over there a bitch, and this saves me when you want to unwind. 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Well, that was the thing I went around the country and I was like, I would do it during the check spot. Like during the checks, I'd be like, I took the bid. I had like one end of it was the beginning and I had the closer and then in the middle I could fuck around. Right. So I was like, oh, what a great opportunity to like get through checks. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, does anyone have an ick and all the icks that I do are from women that were in the crowd that I like love. The best one being that a guy, a woman got the ick because she imagined the guy missing a bus and chasing it. So he never. Wow. I had a woman do that to me once. It was very early on and she goes up, you just don't seem like the type of guy who would take care of my father if he got sick. And I was like, whoa, first off, we just met. Second off, your dad's in perfect health. Whoa, you see where Dealer went with these ladies? And I brought you all the way to my comedy con. Right. Right. I was like, what about the way I ordered the Vodka soda for you? Yeah, right. I don't know if you think I wasn't going to be a caretaker to the elderly. One of the comments, because I read like 55 of them. One of them was a guy went to the ATM and he would say, boop, you'd go, boop, boop. And I was like, happy. That's how I fingered her to them. Boop, boop, boop. And that was the thing about the bit. And I, under every egg, like, you could tell the confidence of a man by how angry an egg made them. Like, if you're affected by a woman's egg, you're a fucking loser. Like, you just, you just, you, you hear an egg. You can control what she's just started by. Right. One woman's egg is another woman's husband. Like, that was like always what made the bit spot. That's good. Yeah. I recently did something icky to a guy. What did you do? I didn't do anything. Like, okay, so there's this dude on Instagram and I'm very attracted and the ass is fat. All right. The ass. Mogeleon. Mogeleon. And we have, we have been flirting back and forth in DMs. And it's been very mutual. And so at some point, I responded to one of his Instagram stories, one of his very sexy Instagram stories. with with a gift of winning the pool at the table going yummy. Oh, man. Oh, man. Just got it just got two games. This is the moment we went over the game out. This is not crazy mountain totally totally. Oh my god. I sent him to the third one. I think mutually, at the same time we started typing to each other because I instantly took her please. It makes me upset. What's the yummy in reference to is it the ass? Absolutely. Absolutely. I would like to take a bite. You know, he was dressed like that in the in the thirst trap. I just didn't have I was at a dinner while the exchanges have it. So I didn't want to be just like, you know, looking for the appropriate response. You can't say that you didn't try. But we both called me out at the same time about it because almost as soon as I sent it, I should have I wasn't. It wasn't. He was one of the things where like he saw it immediately. I didn't even have enough time. It was like, this is too much for me. I fortunately, fortunately for me, I got ahead of it before he my text completed before he's there. And I was like, I want to tell you right now I recognize how cringy that was. And then he said, you are lucky. You're lucky you're cute. And I was like, I was hurting. He liked it. He was I was because he was he was about to say something. You were lucky. It was a man. That's true. There aren't too many things that would like me. Although I will say Mark and I talked about this on like when you're an ass like Bumble and the woman has to make the first move. Horrible. Yeah. So you're like, oh, you're not that fucking good at this either. The three sonils said it best. Women don't have game. They don't have to have. They're the ones to be courted. We cultivate. We cultivate over years. We start with your 14. We just have some fun pick up lines. Mark and we were we were hitting the bars. No, it was good times. You know mine, which is awkward, but I can't. Yeah. I would go up to a girl at bar. I go, man, I got to tell you a man if I wasn't gay. It's too bad you're gay and I go, right, right, we were too believable, too believable. We do it inside by side. I do want to be on the phone and be like, that's not enough money for the children's hospital. No, we can do more than that. I always got at least a smile. At least a smile. A little like soup of the hair. Especially now that would just be like any form of talking to a woman in a bar. All you hear about is like no one's talking to each other. No, dude. It's the number one complaint right now. It's like I go out and I want I'm out to be talked to and you ever just like because the crutches there like you always have your friend the phone. Yep. Yep. To go to if you feel a little bit uncomfortable and no one wants to feel any failure. My single days one time I called a girl and she was like, oh my god, you called me? Right. Every guy's too scared to call. I'm like, oh, I just called you and then that that set me up like 50%. Yeah. Yeah. Make a reservation. That's big. Make a plan. Make a if you there's two things. Go say I like your shoes and make a reservation. Those are two things that never lose. If you just say, if you're in a bar and you go to someone, I really like your shoes. They're crocs. Yeah. Everyone's got a story for shoes. Everyone chose their interest. Interesting. Sure shoes. I can see it. Look, you got some pink on there. That's the fun shoe. There you go. You know, so you would go, oh, I got them here. I got a deal here or I found them there. I think as shoes are in our project. Yeah, but a woman shoe is like, that's like a pump or a healer. He never just saying that. Now you're telling her I'm into feet. Do I have wiki fee pages? I just learned that I just I just learned. That I have a wiki fee page. It's the crazy part is it's 4.0. Is my rating? Is that good? It's 4 out of 5, but only one person has voted. So I'm pretty sure. Let's pump those numbers up, man. Sure, it's the person who made the pick. Cause I think wiki fee is like wiki peety. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is by the way, it came up. There's no wika feed for NBA, ball of fame, or Alex English. Who I've been accused of being his son in the past when I got hired at underrated player. I don't know. Absolutely. I had already known who he was, but like someone, someone already at one point was like calling me a nepo baby. I was like, I have no connection to this man. What's the wrong end word? Did someone like you're getting closer? Can you imagine making your millions off of wiki feet? Like people do care. And there's like, remember when like the mistress, I think you go, we can like me on, he was like on Howard Stern. Like I created. That's the women. How about the girls gone? Why all these guys? Oh, Lord, I just remember the picture that they are using for this. Go ahead. Oh, go ahead. Cause this will be my Mateo Lane sex symbol moment. I'll tell you the context for this photo. Where did you send? Yeah. How did they get your feet pictures? I posted a very revealing photo on Instagram main that even my mama was like, now why are you posting that? And that, that's the picture. That's a great pick. I'll tell you how many Winnie the Pooh gifts to get from that one. I was in, I was in a hotel. It looks like the first time you've ever held a beer. I was in a hotel in Austin. Cause I was, I was staying in Austin last, last year for like a month working on bad thoughts. Time to grow a show on Netflix. So we, uh, he put us up in this hotel. So I was, that was, that was Halloween actually. So I was on my way like out to some, to some party. But I was like, this is my costume, which I don't even know. What's the costume? Well, just, you know, just, just like, I was like, I was trying to check about it. But so, so I had, I have since archive of that photo, but you know, the internet is forever. And so somebody obviously, so that must mean that this page has existed at least since November of last year. Okay. And like a couple of weeks ago, I was randomly like, I think I was like, trying to write a bit about wiki feet. And I was looking, and suddenly the bit stuck because I was like, hold up. Oh shit. This is out there. Yeah. You got the good sidelines. What do you call those? You're on it too. The beat, the beat. I've heard I'm on it. I would be, I wouldn't be surprised. I think we've done this before. I'm saying, I'm sure you You've got all you think all I'm pretty sure all the all got what you think so pages you've never seen it Let's see what mark. I'm sure you got more votes in me the party part is that the these pictures seem to be put up by podcasts fans Yeah, there we go. Oh, God. Oh, there you go. Sniff Sniff We're campaigning for what's Mark's score. Oh, God. Let's let's see. Let's see what the numbers are Hey, hey, I'm 60 out of 60 votes. I don't think I don't take it. Yeah, she do five photos. Sam's got Harry knuckles Give it up the good mark. Come on mark with him in his mouth Sam score I'm gonna be so insulted if I'm the only one in here. Oh, you can't see your feet Oh, we got to get we got to get here look up There we go there we go. Bam I just got a pedicure Yeah, yeah, yeah back waxes and pedicures. That's the name of the next special. So Jerry can let's see your numbers You can see your page show up so I better get out of here. You're comp only women shoes. You're getting pedicures. He's the gay guy here I love it. I you know, I'm it's a good work in progress type of thing. I love Delray Beach In my parents are 25 minutes away. I got them I can hang. It's a nice separation from comedy. Yeah, sometimes I need and then sometimes I'm like I wish I didn't have it where you go Palm Beach to do a sit. I don't even do like to me there It's not for sets. Wow, it's kind of like I'll go on the road. I'll work on stuff. I'll come here. I'll work on stuff Which airport is it? Well, that's the that's the new thing. Sorry. Yeah, DJT. Oh TBI Palm Beach and Rachel the one of the best airports in the country. Yeah, now it's Donald J. Trump airport. Oh my god We didn't put him on everything everything. Let me tell you what literally the day had changed that night I was there the next day sign on the highway sign every like Like they can never tell you they can't fix a pothole this Half a minute. Oh, look at that. It is holy thought it. That's it. That's it. I got to be out of it. I want to say whoa That's no go to the highway sign. You can see like that blue one that one up. Of course, it's a techie That's it. That's your sign and it's like it's it's my It's my peeve. It's bringing in Florida in any way the worst part is that It brings out the worst most exhausting conversation Right and it's from all they want to talk about it. Well, because if you're liberal off Florida Yeah, and if you're conservative. Oh DJT airport. You pumped it. I'm like give a fuck about it It's like the worst conversation you've ever had Totally and Florida. That's like the high the worst part of Florida. It's like I Somewhat and like yeah, you have to have like lines ready to have to and we don't talk about Trump enough So that's uh, so Florida's great. I mean like otherwise is there like the stormy Daniel's lounge that'd be fun I mean didn't do it, you know all your favorites. Yeah, the creamers her tits. Yeah Is uh when you're doing the road now. I mean wait I actually before I go to that so you've been sober a year. Are you is it the relationship that's saving that too or now because being single and Sob would be I was single and sober in Florida and so Florida hard and I was going on dates and people are nice there But like everyone who goes to Florida like they have like Some sort of weird origin stories. That's true. Everyone's there because something happened. Yes So that's like the difference is like when you start meeting people going on dates and then like you're like when's the Story come in like when's the oh here because everyone who moved there and myself included is very self-conscious about moving that Like you have to like explain What do you do this even if you're older and you were tired? You don't want to admit your old You're like I'm not like those old people Everyone there is like super like in their head about what brought them here. They go into their story right away Well, and then there's also like oh you move Mundani and you're like oh the worst I can't believe that like you think I'm that big a fucking loser that I'm packing up Like you got to be a fucking loser to do but you got a bit Florida. There's a freedom there There's no one's offended by anything everyone just live it. I guess you're offended by some shit The free the relaxation part about Florida is it isn't the first thing that comes on Here the ills of the world come up very quickly Florida like my when I talk to my parents like the things they have issues with like are like Local it is the problems of the problemless like they are yelling at me about nothing like and it's almost freeing to know No one there is in touch with what's going on in the world. We're going to scale is on a Jewish scale, too Well, it's they're in a Jewish country club. Okay inside of Boca inside of Florida. They're in a triple bubble Like there they have almost a holo-formed bubble. It's a barely braided So it is deaf. It's just like the relief of not you talk about nothing there You talk about the weather right when are you going to the beach and Del Boca Vista? It's truly that every I mean I was once at a stake place New York Prime and I'm sitting with my mom and dad and They're two friends. I'm in the middle of two old couples and just me in the middle looking like a 10-year-old It's just like I'm like what am I doing like three women who are like from Boca. They're like around our age They're like Jared we're big fans. My mom's like who's that who's that from high school? Man, I have a following going on at multiple podcast Multiple standard special people do recognize me, especially a Boca I was at a bar and some woman just started talking to me and she mentioned you and I was like oh, yeah Jared and I used to go out in the cereal the time and she goes well, he moved to Florida and I was like that's how you found out I was like what yeah, he moved to Del Rey Beach. I was like no, he didn't and she and then I texted I was like did you fucking move and you're like yeah, I'm like I found out from like a fan of yours at a bar Everybody's quietly sort of doing it kind of kind of going back home at Sam Jay's in Atlanta now I did under the a little bit of under the cover night, but I was like it was more because I planned on coming back here to do stuff I You know, I wanted to give it a shot. I also don't want to be like again. That's why I'm not like I'm sober. I feel like that puts pressure on it that I don't really want to have to deal with it Yeah, you might want to have a drink. I might want to have a drink. I don't want to be Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt's back with sauce and peat or like that guy's doing a PR towards better. He better make a stop here. Let's make that happen. Stop right with that. Yeah, but yeah, I didn't want to like I you know there's like I was like let me see if I can do this and then I really love it, but I'm like again now I'm dating I have a girlfriend and like she's from the Northeast and there's a piece of me. I'm still not jury's still out like it's not because I don't like it I like elements of it, but there's still a little bit of a search comfortable. It is so but did you lose the comedy with the comfort is that well That's like kind of the the thing I'm figuring out like because I went there with Like an hour of material and I was like, okay, at least I got that in my back pocket. Yeah, where I can go on the road And I'm not going on the road with nothing if I was if I was here with nothing. It's different. Mm-hmm But then I then took that hour and split into two so I was like, okay, that gives me more time. Right I can work on this one and then do the next one and then So I'm like I feel like I bought myself time with material, but like I'm still I went to an open mic at a the arts garage in Delray Beach and I I forgot how horrific those Literally having to hear like seven minutes. It was a seven minute And like we all know that and we can showcase Mike That's some of too long from like a pro So to see a comic who's like a pro doing seven minutes. I'm like, I don't need to hear I don't want to see you like this. I got heckled by a college kid doing it for the first time Ah, and like you want to be like, I got a Netflix special You can't say anything. I'm at the open mic with them. I'm the same loser. It's allowed you by like clumsy comedies What I call it like every little mistake like even down to like grabbing the control like the mic Accord, yes, tying it up man around with I'm like, oh, yeah, you've been doing this for two days Yeah, where are you from Detroit? Oh, this kid was at the mallets in the palace. I was at the famous basketball game as a child Yeah, I mean pull up those clips. Those are insane. Where were you sitting and I was hard as shit these guys fighting yeah I was trying to picture they were all fighting over me you know fucking metal world peace I was sitting I was sitting mid section across from where everything so I saw everything yeah I basically saw it from the POV of like on television but in person this was a crazy this was the craziest basketball moment of our life it was right I agree it was on a weeknight so my so the day of this when it happened my high school we were going on some field trip to some science and my uncle yeah my uncle had tickets to go to this game and he was like you can either do two things go to the you know field trip during the day and miss out or skip the day don't go to field trip and I'll pick you up later that night and we'll go all right here attacking fan this was great and I remember when like after they I think they figured out how to like maintain all this we were like in the arena for like another hour because they shut the arena down because they wanted to make sure they were grabbing anybody who had potentially been right right so I didn't get home until like one in the morning the guy that came on the court yes that guy the biggest the balls of steel here is that guy the balls on this guy he like squares up to where's the internet like there's so many people doing like their own version of journalism where's the interview with this guy like this actually they became free they became friends there's a documentary about Ron or test really and this guy it's on Netflix I thought the biggest victim out of this was turtle from on top because so many people compared that guy the turtle is like what's the worst part of your day so I'm gonna be like look who you look like he had to hear that forever yeah he's like dude I got fin fuck off right he's like I don't you know dude I gotta tell you there was nothing better than going to school the next day and being the motherfucker that was like all right yeah street cred for life what is that run our test tried to go at Ben Wallace here and then he took one look at Ben Wallace was like I'm not fucking yeah he's like you look at Ben Wallace like no one's fuck he's like he's he's massive absolutely and that team was so tough yeah they were they were a wild bunch they were scrappy you know it takes on prints all of them they were tough yeah it is interesting that like in this day and age like like that like that we there is a fear of big brother now like everyone is throwing their cups at this guy yeah yeah no one's gonna see this no one had any thought really man my Wallace yeah this guy deserves the fucking purple heart he did back down either that's what I'm saying that's like a Detroit that he didn't drop he really didn't drop but his friend kind of like pushed him pushed him down to the ground oh look at that chunky oh he got nailed hard the wristler this destroyed the whole season was like slid into the punch yeah damn the stats of how many hard tests was five million dollars for this shit that's right damn worth it I'd never seen anything like that in my life hell yeah I said his day I still have anything in his wildest year of grit not jumping in not jumping in my wild fucking scrappy gay ass would have loved to be in a part of some drama like that I was fighting in high school did you ever ever like a homophobia fight oh okay I I I I did have an encounter with a with a guy who was like a great order to me trying to like you know approach me and he made the mistake he slipped and I like took advantage of that and I grabbed him and like was starting like bang his head into the locker and I got and I got pulled away fortunately you know what you know what's great visit teachers gym teachers are the least likely in my experience to ever send you to the principals off I think the gym teacher at the physical like trying to teach like he he was like just go over here you go over there since no blood was drawn I'ma let this lie and I remember him talking to me being like have basically being like the kids got a broken neck he's like no blood we're totally cool I he was like basically I said ignoring me like seeing me in class it's like look basically saying you're gonna deal with people trying to mess with you you know basically basically without saying like you're gay right so you're gonna have to do this on my freshman you but it was like him giving you some respect though yeah I had two separate occasions both like my freshman year and in my senior year where teachers were trying to basically like assert my sexuality and a incorporated into some sort of bad behavior whoa like my career I had a creative writing teacher who who was my my senior year who I think uh oh I had skipped school one day and was like because my parents were out of town and they had let out to the age where like I could be left at home overnight in like much Chicago or something for something and they came back so I could be left overnight trusted to drive myself to school and but of course I was like fuck that I'm inviting some dude over like I'm not why would I do that so did had gotten obviously I got caught caught up in the lie and all that shit and my creative writing teacher was starting to tell my mom stuff like well you know Alex has been exhibiting some odd behavior you know and I I think it's time to really like you know maybe we should talk about something that he might be going through oh and like and I'm saying that nothing really because my attitude was like bitch shut up like I'm on my way out of here anyway my second who I'm fucking ain't under your business was it were your parents supportive though or no of me coming out yeah they got there my mom got there I say because my dad my step dad is like a little he's always been a little quiet and he's never really like he never really off in the beginning told me how he felt about it like so which made me kind of believe he was more supportive of it than he might have been letting on but my mom it took a little minute she was like you know I got to imagine as a stepdad you're like I'm not gonna say I love my stepdad right right that's like that's the job that he is he could just think it could have bounced at any moment in the government when it had anything to do with it you know that he really walked into a burning burning house so he like that's that's how much he loves my mom apparently that's because I really was giving him hail like I think I'm gonna say head first I was giving him hail when he used to be my he used to be a teacher in my middle my my first middle school that I went to and so my my stepdad used to see me coming out of class saw me getting picked up by my mom it would like kind of just like at one point he used to offer to walk me downstairs out to her car till like you know he was your son hi my name is my nice music right right and that turned into like a friendship and then the friendship was like all right we're and now mr. Scott is at our house and I'm like what the fuck is going on here yeah so they eventually like started dating and then like all right now I'm just like yeah I guess this is my my stepdad but I was doing all types of shit you know I was I was being I was being a baggy a young bag to my stepdad like I was my mom you're out in school no I wasn't saying it but I think by the time by the time like junior and senior year of high school showed up I was starting to be like I'ma just like exist and let people call me whatever they want but I won't be saying this shit that's how much I was like absolutely now I'm gonna I will never say that and then by like college junior year I stopped my grandmother was the first person I said into and then she was just like okay well what do you want to eat she need to give a fuck so you know but I think that uh the high school coming out thing the part that you that gets underrated I think is like you know these people since you were seven years old like you know you have to like kind of go back on a lie you know it's not lie but you've I would I would imagine of feeling like a lie that's 15 years in the making you know like or for 13 year 12 years in the making that you go well I've lived this way the whole you know you get to this point it's like I can understand why college you're like okay well when I was in high school especially like around sophomore year the gay shit really started amping up cuz then we also cuz now you're meeting like other gay guys in school who aren't we're kind of all kind of like stuck in each other's dicks in the bathroom but kind of like get almost getting caught that happened to me like it took great there was and I feel so bad for this time it was but I think it was it was nice to get your dicks like for the first time between periods like really thrilling at the same time but I felt bad for the guy that I would be doing that way because he was sort of like the first of like the gay guys that I went to high school with to like be confident and he was hanging out with all the girls he was like he was out yeah he was out and I was not so were you jealous of him no cuz like when because when the but I was that would also the lack of jealousy or even empathy for him led to me sort of mistreating him participating in the mistreatment by other dudes who probably had thoughts about me too but I wasn't doing right was it do spotlights on him let's keep it over there so I was being I was being that and I know like I had I can only imagine that like because the thing about like especially my particular class in my high school like as we got older I just started seeing more guys out who I'm like oh you're out now too like we later and so I just know this dude was like oh these fucking stupid guys oh they were giving me hell and now they want to be out I was already out with it and you know cuz for me my life like the Jackie Robinson but you know I that's my my story is just like I've never not had straight guy support which like we'll go back to like we were talking about early when it comes like all the straight men that's show up to my shows, right? - For whatever reason, even when I was in high, you wasn't college, I was doing the thing where I wasn't putting myself out there as gay, but I'm gonna be, I'm gonna just be Alex, I ain't gonna be anything, I'm gonna just be fun, I'm gonna be social and I'm gonna leave it at that. When I got to New York and started doing stand-up and started talking about being gay, doing jokes about it, kind of like getting there and posting it online, my homeboys from college, I'd go home to visit early years of being in New York and they would see me at Thanksgiving and be like, bro, thank God you started saying it because we got so fucking tired of talking about you behind your back. - You, you, you, you, you going missing for like some hours off campus to do whatever you was doing. Oh, okay, you're going to go study, motherfucker, you were stuck in some dudes' dick at the dorm, like just, 'cause they also felt like they were- - It's called studying in the games, you know. It's called research, we call it. - They also have five clams in the mix. You had five vaginas. - I was also eating pussy. I still was figuring it out. - You were eating pussy. - There was, there was legit, the last woman I ever truly, no, she wasn't the last. There was one woman in New York very early that I, like, it was, but it was like a sex party thing. - That was what it was, say I'm J-Left. (all laughing) - That was my first day wearing boxes. She was like, oh, fuck yeah. - No, I, uh, so my, I took five years to graduate, so I was like a fifth year undergraduates. So I was hanging with my homeboy who was another fifth year graduate. And so we were walking, we were just, I was basically being a wingman, but I was in my like, not gay, but gay error. And so this woman, this woman, this girl had a friend, and I don't know, you know, when you're in college, you know, I don't, I think gay dars, everybody got to take on, everybody has their own journey with their gay dars, whether you can tell, it's not, I don't think it's one way. Like you can either tell or you don't, or maybe I think this girl's gay dars was just missing. I don't know, I think she was just missing. She's like, he did this awesome move where he sucked up my clip. (laughing) I've never felt anything like that, I gotta have that. - That's truly the vibrator forever. (laughing) - My homeboy, he got what he needed. You know, he, he was settling up. You know, we're going back to his apartment off campus and you know, she was joining, she was like, well, at a night, there's nothing for me either and kind of was giving me that. And it was truly the last time I ever like, it was really when I like, when I woke up that next day, next to her, 'cause we did all the stuff. I don't know how erect I was for you, but I don't know that she was, I couldn't tell you if she received any pleasure whatsoever from that night. It truly was just like friction between two strangers. Like, I don't know what that was for. - Some people, that's all they needed. - But hey, and maybe that's, and maybe that's what it was. But that was the very last time that I ever truly like, performed straight in a way. - Oh, you were performing, I was performing. - I was really acting, I was acting, methoes, methoes, methoes. I was in my methoes, man. And I think I left my homeboy as a partner from that, like one night being like, just be gay, dawg. Like, go to New York, first of all, take your ass to New York and go be gay, 'cause I could not be gay. - Was that a big reason for the move to New York? - I had to be gay, I didn't move to New York with the idea that I was gonna stand in. I was like, I need to be gay, dawg. - That's hilarious. - That's like moving to like a buffet while being hungry. (laughing) To like, I always think that like being gay in New York must be like, might be heaven. - If you think of it, especially in your 20s. - Like, could you think that you'd die and then you come back gay in New York? - Well, he's not going to heaven. (laughing) - That's the last one. - It's like maybe hell's like gay in, you know, Ohio. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. - Yeah, absolutely. - 'Cause the life is so drastically different. Like a child born on the upper west side to do, you know, hippie, hippie, parents. - Maybe Jewish too. - Jewish to go to New York and gay. - You don't want to be Jewish at Mississippi? - No, it's a different life. - Florida, yeah. - Florida depends where you are. - Yeah, and it's cool, it's all right. I think it's gotten progressively better to be gay in Detroit now. But around when I was there, 2012, like when I got back from college, when I got back home with distance from Michigan, so just that two hour drive back to Detroit. I, like, what was happening when I got, like, I had an ex boyfriend in Detroit when I got back home from college who had been like murdered. Like he had been like plotted on by like a date of his. He was, what was happening was that a lot of guys, and this is not just in Detroit, but a lot of dudes get on Grindr, get on these apps, and they meet up with these strangers, and the guys like in the closet, and then he'll like straight up fucking murder him. - Right, right. - 'Cause he doesn't want anybody to do that. - He's happening in two guys that I know. - That's all. - Come on. - So I was like, oh, I gotta go be gay somewhere else. 'Cause I might die, 'cause I'm going to these apps, and then you never really know who you're talking to. And I mean, I was 23 at the time, so I was being reckless. And I was like, yeah, let's go to the good, whatever. So I had to get the fuck out of Detroit, and then like, yeah, I spent like a few months just being gay, being a waiter, walking around running around New York, and then I just like, did my first open mic, and I was like, well, I guess I'm this now. - Yes. - Those are two big steps in my life. - Yeah. - That is, there's this movie, one of Salahcusu is who'd left one of his favorite movies. You know, Paris is Bernie. - Oh, yeah, great movie. - I mean, that's a crazy movie. - I love it. I love it when white men find that film. - Yeah, that was your fine, FN. - You know, we're curious, we're curious, you know, the struggle of people and what they went through. And like, you find out that a lot of these people got murdered. It's crazy. - Yeah, they did. - Salahcusu, if you love Paris's burning, I think you would love the logo series, queer is, not queer as folk, not queer as folk. Noah's Ark, it's the black, what I call the black queer as folk. 'Cause I grew up watching the original queer as folk, like that showed up. I was on a showtime or something like that. And it made me think that being white was only for gay guys. - Right. - Because there were no black people really on, or no black men in particular like on queer or queer as folk. So I was like, oh, gay guys, gay guys are white, not us. Which was some of, which was some of how I looked at it. I'm like, well, I don't know that this is a thing that I can do. And then Noah's Ark shows up and. - Wow. - And they had every little bit of flavor. Ian Patrick's is a movie. - It's a TV. - They just did a movie like, 'cause this show came out in the early 2000s. It was a TV show. So they did a movie, recently, like a couple of years ago, they did a movie. And it's the closest to sex in the city that I think - Wow. - The gay black guy. - What a surprise for someone who's religious and is like, I just want the Noah's Ark story. - And they come across that picture. - Yeah. - A bunch of black dudes and all black. - They're different only on each other's ear. - And don't watch Isaac and Abraham. - There you go. - There you go. - Can an anal. (all laughing) - Now, can I ask you, you had sex with two women. (all laughing) Did you got to admit, though? The vagina feels pretty good. Even if you're not attracted to the package. - I didn't have a prop. See, I didn't have an aversion to it. I would even still eat a woman out today. - Oh. - Oh, right. - But I wouldn't call myself aggressive. - But I'm like, yeah, I'm not a conservative. - Do you see a woman sometimes though, where you're just like, I would like. - Do you see what? Do you see any women who you see them and you're like, oh, I would. - I go out in New York City all the time. And I'm like, that is the baddest bitch I've ever seen in my life. - Oh, yeah. - And I hate right now, I'm into titties right now. - Hey. - I'm really, I'm welcome. - Titties, I think titties are back. - Titties are back, baby. - 'Cause there's a moment where ass was really like a thing. - Right. - I don't really care so much about ass on the woman. I need that on a guy. - Yeah. - I look, if I got on shades and this is sunny day out in New York and I'm walking around downtown, I'm guys working out running, oh yeah, absolutely. I'm like, oh, I'm a little creep about it too. I caught myself the other day being like, god damn. I was like, you know what, I'm doing that shit now. Where I'm like hanging outside the bodega, just like, calling that dude. I think I'm one step closer to getting it. - Here's what I know, Alex is gay, because we were like, oh, what are you into for women? And like, four sentences. - It's where you'll end up being the guy. - It's a guy. - Starting to win. - Yeah. - Oh, when I see a guy with a fat ass. - Yeah. - And those great sweatpants. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love like a curvy woman. - Yeah, I do too. - Okay, man, it's my time. - Like a lusht. But also, there's room in my heart also for like, you know, cocaine, slim. - No. - For sure. - No, not for you. You need to use some meat on the bone. - I like curves. - Yeah, I like both. Thank you, man. - People think that I don't, like, I've been told that I don't give off the vibe that I would date a bigger dude, like a plus size, like fat dude. And I'm like, no, I have before. - Oh, really? - Like, I don't mind. The problem comes in where they want to bottom for me. And I'm like, I don't know if that looks good. (laughing) I don't know if that will get, because also I feel the same way about guys who are super, this is gonna, people are gonna get on my case about this. But it's okay, I am against tall tops. I mean, tall bottoms. - I am five. - I'm five. - If you are above six feet, I'm not bending your long ass overdogs. - So I would be a top. - You would be, well, would you? (laughing) - You're a little old. (laughing) - But you could still say you got to whip that dick out. (laughing) - But here's the beauty of being gay, is that you guys have gotten very organized about fucking. So you could be like, there's a, there's like a community, I'm sure, of tall bottom. - There is a community, and they're gonna be a set with me for saying this publicly and being a gay. - I'm not like violently. - I don't know if our audience is gonna be down your throat too hard on this one. - You fuck you. - I have to go, I have to go. I'm hoping I'm gonna get some pleasant views for me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So you know what he's looking to experiment? - No, I just, you know what it is. It's also very, it's like, it's just like he rooted in like a heteronorm, oh, I feel so gay saying it should. Heteronormative, you know what I mean? But like, it is sort of that where I'm like, well, the tall, guys, the man, and then the other guys, the bottom, that's how I used to live. - So I said a Vita when we were on the road. (laughing) I just feel like that's where I started. And I was just like, well, when I was just being a bottom, I'm just like, well, yup, the guy's got to be up here. He's like, I gotta be snuggled underneath him. But the older I've gotten, I've been like, man, get up off of me. I mean, I'm like, yeah, I need me, I need me a bitch. (laughing) That was my fate, that was my bottom phase. And I'm kinda like, I'm like leaning more into being like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that shit comes with responsibility too. - That's true, you gotta pay for shit. Now I'm the fucking, now I'm the dude. I'm like, well, no, I've been on some dates and you know the bottom. - You're gonna pay, you gotta pay. But the cool thing is, hey, hey, you gotta dig too. (laughing) Pop it up. - If you get mugged, you can both beat up the guy. My wife's cowards. (laughing) I'm gonna do it. - I'm gonna step up. You guys can both tag to him. - Yeah, wait a minute. - Yeah. - I mean, yeah. - It's funny that you can't break out of those. - That's a general rule. - I'll say they is. - It's like anyone who goes online and like yells at you about whatever version that they found, you're like, what a high horse, like what a, you are when you're not in it. - Yeah, it's so true. - And you're like, this is a stink. I smell a stink. - There's personality types too. It's like they just kind of find each other. - But it's also aesthetically too gay. People are very like aesthetic driven. We're like also like, you know, Sam J. and Punky and like, you know, like Shantae Wayne's, like they all present the way that they present. And you talk to any stuff, and they're like, yeah, sometimes, especially those three, and they're like, yeah, sometimes a stud will approach me. And I'm like, bitch, if you don't get show butchers, I'm like, my face like, that's gay. I ain't fucking out. It's like two dudes fucking out, I want a bitch. You know what I mean? - Right. - It's like that. - It's a storm. - Yeah. But there's also like, stud on stud. - Do you ever see yourself settling down? - I mean, this was saying open relationship. - I don't know. - Yes, I don't know. - I don't know right now. There's a lot that I need that I, there's a lot that I need to do for myself before I let any. It's the thing, like when I, I was in my relationship when I got fired right from SNL. And so the thing about that is that before I got at SNL and like just before I got passed at the seller, I was still sort of, it was like coming out of the pandemic. So I was like, still in like my, you know, my grind and like, you know, just focused on stand-up and trying to get the next thing or whatever. And so when I was done with SNL, my ex had like this front row seat to like a mental breakdown. Where I wasn't like throwing shit, but I was like depressed. I was like fucked up and kind of like waking up with like stretch of dreams about 30 rock. And like just like kind of like going through that like after, that little bit of after like brain form and coming back up for air. And also it's just like leaving there. Like I said, I went straight to the seller right after when I found out that I wasn't coming back. And I was just trying to get as much stage time as possible like starting doing, okay, I'm gonna do an outright union hall. I'm gonna go do the seller a bunch. I'm putting in the videos at all these different clubs. So I was really back out in New York City in the way that I used to. And I think that like my ex, when we got together, I was like riding high and like a job. Like a cool job, you know, doing shit. - And that probably massed a lot of the insecurity. - The first time he ever like came to see the show live, I was in the fucking monologue. I was like, and I'm like, this is not every day. I'm not on the camera. So it was like that type of shit. So it was like when, yeah, coming out of it and then he's singing me like, oh shit, I got to get back into like stand up, you know, every day, thing, most six spots the night. And that's what I kind of went back to. - Because you want to feel like the worth, you know, you know. - And you need someone to put it, you know, you've got fired. You need someone to put that energy in. - Yeah, that's positive. I mean, my calendar, growing that period of time, I just, I sell a spot, the stand, New York, I was back, I was back doing that and he'd never seen that side. - Sure. - And he really exposed some crap. - That's something I'll deal with, I think. Like that was like the move to Florida, yes, but stand up. I'm like, you know, I had to, I, the thing you gotta, I'm like trying to learn is like, how do I differentiate between a spot that I'm like using to work or a spot that I'm doing because I want to check a box and feel like it did something. - Right. - I didn't do nothing. - It's hard when you do. - Sometimes you just use it to get out of the house. - Right, yeah. - Absolutely. You don't even really need to be doing it right now, but then you want to go out and do the thing that I've been doing. - Yeah, and socialize a little, get a dopamine hit. - Right. - Now, what about you with this? 'Cause you almost got married. You were at the buzzer. - What do you talk about? - Couple of years ago. - No, we, I was moved in with someone and then we broke up. - Oh, I thought you were engaged. - No, no, no, I'm engaged. I ended up, we, what did you eat early today? - I had a burrito. - You'll be in my tummy. - It's not, it's not, it's not, it's not. (laughing) - I, I, I, I can already see my deals being filled with that meme. (laughing) - I can't control it. - At least you know they're Indian. - They're Indian. - Yeah. - This is the worst talk ever, Moxick. So you, you get near married recently. - Yeah. - This is why I don't wear white pants. - All right. - No one knows. - You know Carson was farting up a storm. (laughing) That's the plan. - Iron Allen, this is his mom. (laughing) - My ass is unleashed. - All right, so I thought you were engaged, my bad. - No, no, no, no, I, I was, we broke up 2021 and then I was single until, you know, January. - Oh, 'cause I was living in the village and then you showed up all of a sudden and I bumped you on the street. You're like, "Have you been to this bar?" Or this bar, I'm like, "Buddy, I've been here." - Yeah. - You, you're very organized in life. You really can make a list. - I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, that's what that's my move. (laughing) No, I had a lot of, I, I had a lot of places I would go that, like, I, but I, you know, I, like, you know, go on the road, I'm like looking up places. - Yeah, yeah. - I know one, you know, I, you're Yelp. - Jared's the fun guy to drink with. He's the type of guy whenever, he, whenever he turns around, it's another drink. - Yeah, he just keeps handing you drink best. - It's the best until you wake up the next day. (laughing) - That was my problem with drinking is like, I, the social aspect of it is fun and, but I, I, when I go, I go. - Yeah, same. - You know, like, but then I would be at like, Wilfie and Nell's in the West Village. I'd be sitting at the corner of the bar, just like, get down with the martini and you're like, I'll do another, like, I think the, you know, comedy, like this, this lifestyle, if you're on your own, you have no one to answer to. - Yeah. - That's what I was saying. - You know, you go, what am I going to do? - To do what I'm doing? - Do one more, why not? I got to know, you know, I did my thing. I, I ended the day, you know, I, yeah. - I think a lot of that. - There was one night, this is, when I first met my wife, you were going out, it was you, Michelle Wolf, Che, and Nemesh, and you guys invited me. Murder's role of drinkers. - Yeah. - It's like, 20 on me, 20 on me. 2018, 2017, and we went to Marie's Crisis. - Oh, yeah. - It was, and my wife was like, this is the coolest life. We're hanging out with Che, and Wolf, and you, and Nemesh, and just, we had our own table as a fucking live band going. - Right. - You're bringing drinks in every 10 minutes. - People are singing like me. - I had a video pop on my phone, Memories, which, and it was you, me, Michelle, and Che, at Arthur's drunkenly singing purple rain. - Yes. - That sounds right. - And I remember that. - If you would, and it was a little winger from one. - It was a winger, right? - Yeah. - Those memories pop up on your phone. I don't know if you guys have a doc on your phone. - Oh, yeah. - Like, can you guys pop up memories? - I didn't know you either. - Some of these are just like, it pops up on the doc, and I'm like, it's just like me and an ex. I'm like, ah fuck, we come with that shit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You gotta get them ex, you gotta get them ex, right? - Right. - Because the phone will remind you, remember this? - Yeah. - But I like those, the memories of friends, because you can be like, you can take it and then be like, you can send it to them, you can send it to your friend, be like, look at this. They're like, holy shit, look at this. - And excuse to get back in touch. - We've all gotten fatter. (laughing) - No, those nights in the village, like those are like the most fun nights in like, you know, you want to figure out how you can do those without alcohol. Like, that's like, how do you even. - How you end up singing "Prince" to that alcohol? I don't know, you have a mental breakdown. (laughing) It's also like being a regular at like, a place that helps, that does aid in like the, just like binge drinking a bit of, 'cause like, you'll go, like, I have a couple of spots that I have like, downtown, where like, they know me, I know them, and so, they know that I'm good for it. They know I'll give them the money, whatever I said, they'll just like, here you go, we'll close you out later, and all you gotta do is give them like 40 books, and they're like, yeah, I'll take that to the tip. You're out of here, good. - That is a back to the vein of like, all the pine glass with three shots, that's not what I need right now. - How do you, this is why you, I can't stop drinking. - Yeah, well, I remember going on the road with Michelle when I was opening for her, and we would play this fun game of like, we would get done with the drink, and I'd be like, one more, and we'd always go, one more, it became the joke, that was the genesis of our podcast. This was originally called "One More Drink." - Oh, really? - And we found another part of that, but yeah, we did the same thing, it's, it's a lot of alcoholic 'cause do that, move Jared. - So, I guess we're all the same. - Either with friends or internally. So, you said it to a bartender or no, if you'd be like, I'll have one more. Like, motherfucker, you've been here for three times. - Yeah, you said. - You slept here, dude. - Yeah. - Albuquerque in New Mexico, we're at this like casino, and I remember like, one more, one more, and I just wake up in this hotel, and I'm like, where the fuck am I? - Yeah. - And it's like not an airport with a lot of flights, and I'm like, I have to leave here. - Yeah, she have to. - To go, and, you know, but we still joke one more. - Yeah, yeah. - Well, anyway, like Jared's new special Netflix, give it a look, a family plan, always hilarious. Same with Alex English, always hilarious. - Thanks, Doc. - Kill her, start hanging with you guys. - Yeah, plug some dates coming up, guys. - Oh, where are you gonna do? - Is that me? - Yeah. - Okay, that was Athens, I believe. Yeah, I'm all over you. Oh yeah, go someone else first. - When are you going to Athens? Oh, I have like one day to my calendar. I literally have not. right now and by the time this comes out I'm hoping someone will have done something. I'm going to be in Huntington, New York at the Paramount but the special 30 the family plan it's a one-hour story about my going to the beach of my parents my dad asked me how much I weigh and I make fun of my boomer millennial relationship make fun of Rob Lowe you went with Swade I went with a Swade yeah I'm you know Salah Qs took the pictures no I'm I'm really proud of it I'm excited to see people and watch it with like your family I had told people to bring their parents I will watch Jared's special hostie Alex we love you guys we'll see you next week alright have a good one guys bye bye about the fucking home and I get down in the same way up on the roof like a cop's coming and they can send you well it's feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember and I get down in the same way we might be true