Alana: Finding Home in the Truth

[music] Welcome to another episode of Adoption, The Making of Me, an oral history of Adopti Stories. I'm Sarah Reinhart, and I'm Louise Brown. Make sure to find us on the socials at The Making of Me Podcast. Our website is adoption, TheMakingOfMe.com. Thank you. Thanks. [music] In today's episode, we will be discussing Unspoken, the silent truth behind my lifelong trauma as a forced Adopti by Liz Harvey with Eve Hatton, and then we'll be speaking to fellow Adopti Alana. [music] Hi, Louise. Hi. I forgot what we were doing for one second. I just want you to know where my K-Cursher KC-U-R. That's where Sarah works of. Yes. You won't see it on YouTube, but you can watch it on a review, a chapter review. Yes. It's um, we love them. They put us on the air. It's our public media in Kansas City. Yeah. Very important to support. Very important. Support your local public media, be it PBS or MPR. Your station needs you. The truth. Speaking of support, our next Adopti Cafe Patreon group is January 3rd. I think this will be very important because after the holidays, we're always like, uh, everybody needs to be there. Yep. 1 p.m. Eastern. Got that right. And we've had new people join and keep joining. I love it. I saw some, um, some people that joined a wall of electricity. Yeah. Said she's coming. I hope we see you, charity. Yeah. I love that. And also Raven was going to join. So even if you're listening, your big listener, hope to see you. Yes. So, um, and our April event in Austin, our tickets are on sale. We've already sold some. I have a feeling it will sell out the closer we get. We sold a lot for this early. I know. Yeah. I love seeing some names coming in new names. I'm like, oh, who's that? New names. I don't know who they are. So we can't wait to meet you new people slash listeners. Yeah. You know who's still listening then? John and Texas. Yes. John is coming. I mean, that's going to be exciting. Yeah. Exciting to meet people. Yeah. So, um, yes, our event bright link is in our show notes. So and in our social media, I believe in our, we should, if not, we should put it there. Yes. It's in the bio. I put it in the bio. Okay. So, see you in a minute, Louise. See you in a minute. Hey. Hi again. Oh, before we start our chapter review, we meant to say happy holidays to everybody. So we'll say that here and stay safe. It's a hard time of year for people. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Well, we are reading chapter four beginnings unspoken by Liz Harvey with Eve. I'm going to make sure I don't say unbroken as I've done several times. I kind of fit the broken and then spoken the, um, this, this chapter kind of hurt my heart for her because she's figuring out who her, she's reading. No, we don't know who the real story because it's never the real story all the way. You know, but she's reading the file. Exactly. You know, it's so interesting because my file had somebody same link that like a, you know, about my mother being quite attractive. Her hobby swimming. I'm like, my, my records say the same thing about my first mother's hobbies. Pleasant. Yeah, pleasant. I thought that was. I find that to be one of the worst insults. Like it's like a nothing. It's like, it's like, it's like you're not in today. And not in today. You're like, yeah, you're not just pleasant, you know, forgettable. It's not really that invisible. She's pleasant. You know, I feel like it's always, um, sort of sexist too. It's almost like an easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy sexist. Well, she had good swimming and, you know, you'll do great because she was this. And quite attractive. You're right. It is sexist. And she described the men that way. The father. He was quite attractive. No, the father. Pleasant. Yeah. Her father. She doesn't know if it's her father, but she doesn't know if it's her father. And then he signed up on the adoption. And he also, there was something else that he, oh, they called impudetive. Yes. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. It also was kind of funny. He, um, he did know she was being placed for adoption. And he signed it and it's like, it didn't sound to me. There's something in it that I was thinking, did he really want that though? It sounded kind of from him. Like, you know, he was going off to war, wasn't he or something? Uh, no. Like, he signed up for, for service, for service. For service. Yeah, he signed up for service. So he signed off before he left. But I kind of felt like, did he sign up for service because this happened? Like, yeah, it just feels like something that's going to come out of this. That's going to happen. I have a feeling we will find that out. Um, oh, this part, Sarah, this part she writes, another very attractive child. First of all, she was an attractive child with fair skin and Auburn hair. Oh, yes. I, yes, exactly. And this made me a good match for my parents because mom too had Auburn hair. And dad was a red hair and his youth. What a strange irrelevant observation written is to say, oh, how convenient the baby has the same hair color as her perspective parents. People might think she's their real child off you go. Right. Right. And then up above, she talks about because she would spent 52 days with a foster mother. So then she's, you know, had to go before the Church of England Children's Society. And then she was handed to two more strangers who would soon become my parents. It sounded like a warped game of past the parcel to me, the prize being a vulnerable baby. God, how sad. I'm glad you wrote that. Yeah. And it's just a birth mother makes me up. Just all adoption is that right? It is. I never thought about it until we did this by cast. I didn't either. Never thought about like my mother handing me to somebody. And now I have a letter about what that was. It's like everybody has some mothers didn't get to hand. Your mother didn't even get to do that. Just kind of like you're not important off like that's even, I don't even know. This is just a, here's a little blank slate. Yeah. You know, at work, yesterday one of my volunteers brought in these little three and a half week old kittens. That she's fostering. And she's like, oh, I just took them away from their mom just for a little while so everyone could meet them. And I'm like, well, how long do they have to be with her? And it goes through the whole thing. And it's still I'm always reminded of. Yeah, there's a protocol in place for kittens and puppies and everybody to stay. I'm sure the mom was freaking out even for those couple of minutes. Yeah. Yeah. The hour that she came brought them in. Yeah. Yeah. 12 weeks. It was at 12 weeks. And then we just, you know, I'm just immediately taken not allowed to be held probably in a nursery for days before I go to foster parents before I then go to my parents, my adoptive parents. Like in this foster mother. No wonder I have such problems. Right. I was going to say. I mean, her foster mother, like she's, she's picturing what that was. That's a thing too. Like that person is so important. And we have no idea who, who they are. No clue. I love when guests find out that they work kind of loving and find them. Yeah, we have it often, but we've had it happen. We have someone from our gotty cafe that is close to her found her foster mother. And then she goes through when her adoption was legalized and the end of the. Papers and, you know, just how sad sadness came over her and because there was no mention of the original, you know, her original name. No, it was as though she'd never existed. Yeah. Like she just goodbye that person. Yeah. I still think it's bizarre. We've been doing it. I'll still almost, I'll think about sometimes just abstractly like how bizarre. I know. Well, it's, that's the thing. When you, you know, to use the expression, but when you come out of the fog, you can't go back in. The genie is out of the bottle. Sometimes it's almost like, God, I almost wish I hadn't happened because it just changed everything. Yeah. How I feel, how I see things, it's changed my entire life. Yeah. Same. Not always good, you know, like sad, more sad because it's so highlighted where I don't belong anywhere. Yeah. You know, you can't, I hate that. You can't put that genie back in the bottle. Yeah. I'm sure. And look at the next, look at the next chapter is called the fog. Yes. Yes. I saw that. Well, this, so this chapter she goes to the, to the new school and she thrives like she really. - So you get to become herself and, you know, cause herself Liz, she gets a new boyfriend. She does really well in the arts and so she gets wearing Doc Martins. - Yes, that her dad accidentally bought. - Thinking they were practical. - They were practical. (laughing) - My dad would have done the same thing. - You think Louis. - I don't think they sold Doc Martins in my town. - No. - I couldn't find those till I went to New York. - Right, I don't think we had them either, but I could see my dad doing like, "Oh, sure, that looks sturdy." (laughing) - Practical. - I love that she's Liz. Now she's Liz and what's gonna happen. - And she starts going away even on the weekends to her boyfriend's, that's another thing too, because you start kind of seeing how, that was the thing about his mother. - Well, then she thought it was her, his mother was so like a cup calling him darling and what how, she was like, "That's weird," 'cause she didn't grow up with that. - Later uncomfortable. - Yeah. - To see love. - To see. - Yeah. Refaction. - Refaction. - Yeah, that's so interesting. - I can't wait to see her. - And then so kind of her, Ivan, her first mother, the search kind of is put on the back. Right now she's going away to college with her boyfriend. So, we'll see what happens there. I'm ready to, ready to dig into the next step. - I know I wanted to just keep going, but we're true to our word, we read along. - We are, we read it a turtle's pace. - For our podcast. - I've never cheated so far. - I have an either, empty. I think a few times we've accidentally read too far on accident, but I'm always like, "Oh no, I read too far." - Yeah, so Liz, great writing. - Great writing and I will see you in a minute for a Lana. - Oh yeah. - One of our patrons. - And once again, happy holidays everyone, happy holidays. - See you in a minute. See you in a minute. (upbeat music) - Okay, so today we are joined from somebody who's been waiting a while to be on and she is in Vancouver Island. Coming from Vancouver Island with a gorgeous background because she's a painter and this is Elena. Nice to see you. - Nice to see you. Glad to have you here. - Thank you. It's so good to see you guys because you have, as my husband said, make sure you tell them how much their podcast has affected me. Okay, I'm not gonna spend the whole night on interview crying, but it's been really good to connect and hear all these things that I'm like, "Oh my gosh, that's why I'm like this." That's why I have anxiety, ADHD, a connection obsession and not losing people at all the things. And I'm overly empathetic and, "Oh, there's a lot of stuff that I keep hearing." And I'm like, "And the suicidal tendencies, my life, "to this day, I still usually go through it once a year." And it's interesting to hear the statistics and find out, "Wow, it's not necessarily from my upbringing, it's not necessarily trying to make sense of where it all comes from, is then helpful to understand." And it makes sense when you, the primal wound. - It does. I mean, you think about it. The strongest, most natural bond in the world is that between a mother and baby, whatever that is in the natural world, a squirrel and a baby, you know? I mean, it's so-- - Well, of course. - With your own kids. And yeah, I can't imagine the pain. I can imagine it and we'll get into that 'cause I almost went through the same thing. And thankfully, God, they okay to not have to do that, but it was touch and go. And yeah, my mom's pain that she's carried in silence and grief for her life till the day that I found her. So that's positive side I did find her. - Well, we wanted to hear her. - Yeah. - Okay. - What was your circumstances of adoption? Where were you born? - Oh, that's a-- - Well, sorry, I made some notes. So if I'm looking down at her, it's just to keep myself on track 'cause I easily go off on a tangent. So I was born in Vancouver in 1966. It turns out my birth mom had fled here to have time to figure out what she was gonna do when she got pregnant with me, as I've found this out later when I found her. And because her baby sister had already been pregnant and was sent to a home for unwed mothers, the very same year in January, her baby sister had a boy that she had to relinquish 'cause her mom, when she was 16 or 16, I think. So she was a child already given up. My mom found out she was pregnant, she was 19. She went to Vancouver across the country. So she was from Ontario. And so she flew, told her mom she was coming out here for work and for photography and the arts and stuff 'cause she was artistic and to explore the West Coast. So she did that before she was showing. So her mom wouldn't see 'cause her mom had lost her husband a few years before and had never really coped with that. And then to have one daughter given up a child, now another daughter pregnant, she probably would have had a nervous breakdown. But this is what my mom was thinking. I gotta get this figured out. So she was trying to get in touch with my father. Turns out my father was a musician and he traveled for work and he was very successful and she met him at one of his gigs in Ontario. Well, he met her, he tells me. (laughs) He pursued her and they had a year long romance on and off. Every time he got in New York or just below, she would come down, et cetera, et cetera. And so their relationship was, you know, whatever it was. He had told her he had been married with two children but she didn't know they were still married. So that's what we went looking. - Mm-hmm. - Found that. - Yeah. And then she had to contact, she had to write to his fan club. - And root him? - Yeah. Because she hadn't heard from it and he couldn't reach her because she had moved it with, anyway, so she sent a letter long, I was gonna go over this later but she ended up having that letter was read by his wife. - Oh no. - She picked up the fan mail from the agency and was reading all the letters and came across the little story about me. (laughs) - Oh no. - Yeah, that you can imagine turned his world upside down for quite a while. And then they divorced but he never did reach out to my mom ever. - Oh. - He never tried. So which I think is shitty of him. - Of course, yeah. - Anyway. Okay, don't think just, sorry, I jumped ahead a bit but so I was born, I was officially, or I was adopted by a family who had three boys. My adoptive mom had always wanted a girl from the first time she had a child and she kept having boys. So after the third, she was told she shouldn't have anymore children because she had a really brutal birth and so that's when she looked at the idea of adopting a daughter and my adoptive father would do whatever mom wanted, basically. So they pursued that avenue and my mom, it turns out my birth mom, when she had me, she then contacted her mom to tell her that the story about me and that she wanted to bring me home and her mom flew out to Vancouver and told her absolutely in no way. This is selfish of you, et cetera, et cetera. You'd be raising a vast child. All the things that was common in the '60s, the dialogue of shame, the dialogue of all the things that raising are single. It's not, you know, all the things. Shame on the family, et cetera. So she ended up following through and giving me out for adoption. So I can't imagine what that was like for her now. And it was a secret for years, rest of the family. So nobody knew. So I grew up with three brothers, older brothers. They were the biological brothers. I was the adopted one. Of course, the story, like you always say, is this or you were the chosen one? And we really wanted you. And so I heard all those things too. I always knew I was adopted. Thankfully, I was told it wasn't a big secret. So it was kind of, I kind of thought it was special. In a way, it was the kind of thing I would tell people that I was adopted. Oh, I'm adopted. And my mom wouldn't love that I would be such an open book. And I am much an open book. And they are very family I was raised with. Couldn't be more different for me if they tried. Because they're very buttoned up with their emotions. They don't write. Section. They don't talk about emotional things. Everything is just very surface. The emotional things they keep tight to themselves. And it's just, I'm the shareer. I'm the one that is a share I just am. And this is my mom. So my birth mom. So. That was always a problem in our family. It was always a negative that I was a chatterbox. And I was always anxious kid, like anxious about, which made me chatter more. I would always be like trying to fill the negative space with babbling, babbling when I'd meet people. I'd be nervous. I would be friends with, and it's interesting because you talk about the chameleons and I'm like, holy moly. Right. That is 100%. All my life. I would just try and mold to whoever I was with so they would like me and one around me. And I often thought a lot of these traits came from the way I was raised because I was so insecure at home. But I think now in hearing what you've shared and from some of the other, like, Primal Moon and all these things, it all starts to make sense. I'm like, it's not, it's not their fault, you know, necessarily. I might have been like you who are, sorry, you who have this wonderful upbringing and still have some of those same experiences where for me, I often because my family was so strict and I got a lot of spankings and I was always in trouble. I started wetting the bed when I was four. I don't know why. Nobody really knows what triggered that, but it went on for years and years, like into my early teens, actually almost into when I became a teen mom myself. I would, I kind of think that there is some trauma related to that. I was just wondering that. And that also was the experience around that was so painful because there was so much shame and everyone would be upset and it would be a big thing. And I got so embarrassed. Did they take it a therapy or anything to try to figure out what was going on? Mom would make me go to bed really early so that I wasn't, she thought maybe if I was too tired, I was too deep asleep or so. She put me to bed and I remember in the summer when it would be light out and other kids outside and me having to go to bed because otherwise you might wet the bed. But I still wish. Then I really kind of, I would never want her to watch this, but she, she's a, my birth mom is, or my adoptive mom is very pragmatic and she has interesting logic around why she does certain things. And so her logic was you keep wetting the bed, you get in trouble from covering up like I'd make my bed some days to try and cover up. I went to bed so they wouldn't get upset and my brothers wouldn't know and tease me and all the thing. My mom thought, okay, well, I have a good idea. How about you're going to sleep in the bathtub because if you wake up. Oh my gosh. You can just rinse off. Nobody knows any different. And nothing will be a problem. There won't be the embarrassment of walking from your bedroom to the bathroom or having a being in there and bathing or any of that. There'll be no sheets that you have to take to the laundry room, et cetera. So that was her logic little that she know it was a massive trauma for me. Of course it is. I mean, there you are. Just already a fish out of water in this family and the only the daughter and that's just so I'm so sorry. That is. Yeah. It was. Yeah. Our mind thinks that was a good way to resolve it. I don't know. I'll never fully figure that out. And to this day I struggle with dealing with her because she's a lot sometimes. Sometimes I think of that we allow too much grace, right? Like I think adopted moms, they do know that's not their baby. I mean, it's a and in some ways it's like, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to be the question I'm doing with it. So I do these strange things like I think I also got the most spankings in the family. Any of them like nobody else got them like I did. I was almost having a fetched about to the wooden spoon or the yard. Me too. I got the wooden spoon quite often. Yeah. Oh, you just brought that core bone memory. Break on you. You broke the yard stick. You broke it. Like it was a hell available was that was the way you discipline children. It's still I mean, it's still abuse. I'm sorry. There is a bit. It's I think when my mom adopted me, she had this vision of this quiet, a little, any her doll, she a living doll. Well, she told me her whole life. She told me to this day. I never did things. My parents didn't want me to do. I never wanted to upset them. I would never want to disappoint them. If I was told not to do this, I wouldn't do it. And if I was told this, I like that's her protocol. She's constantly talking about that. And to this day, she still brings up my teen pregnancy and how I ruined our life. Oh, I saw the things. Yeah, yeah. She's still very upset that I stole those years from her and stay with my dad. And that's that I'll get to that. But yeah, so growing up, because I was such an insecure kid and their affection was not a thing. It was not like I saw my mom hugging my one of my brothers quite a bit, but that was just not a thing. And I love you. It's just not their way. They weren't raised that way. They didn't deliver it either. But I wasn't either. And I do. So when I was young, we grew up in an area that was quite, it was like blue collar, a lot of tough kids in the families in the school. There was some tough kids. I was used to, I had to deal with bullying. I was being bullied a lot because my mom would force me to wear clothes to school that I picked out two or three years ago at a sale that she said, you like them. And I'm like, but I had to grow into them. But at the time I grew into them, they were so out of style. And I got laughed out of the school yard and then it was Ro rocks at you, calling names, and other awful. So I became someone who would do anything to make sure my friends, like people like you, you know, because I was always, went to counseling in my 20s and he said, want you to close your eyes and go into your child, your earliest childhood memory. And I want you to go and find, I should tell the story. Or stay in place. Sorry. Shoot. I promised you a kiss. It's okay. I couldn't. I couldn't find it. You didn't have one. You know, I went through that too. I know exactly what you mean. I didn't find in a safe space until now older with my, with having my son. So I understand. Well, it's funny because he brought up stuff that really stirred reality. And he actually asked me, so when I was born, my name was Atlanta. And then when I was adopted at five and a half months, sorry, I jump around, even with my notes that I'm not looking at. At five and a half months, they picked me up and brought me home. And that was a big excitement in the family for them and people through the mishower. And it was very exciting to have their baby. I can imagine how overjoyed my mom would be to finally have her baby girl. And apparently I was a really easy baby, barely cried. Now I was very chubby, very, very chubby because the foster mother apparently would sit me in front of the TV with. If it can't milk, not even formula like can milk. Like a carnation, pan-man, as a baby. I wonder how many health challenges today. God, but that's what I was. I got rice pudding or whatever. Yeah, well, so that was however long. And I would just, they would put me in the cuddle seat and I'd just watch TV all day. She told them that I would be happy to just watch TV and drink my milk while I was a chubby baby. Anyway, so anyhow, so they got me at that time. The final adoption date I just found out when I sent recently just this year for my original birth records. And I got my original birth, an adoption record. And it showed May 1st, 1967. I was born in 66. And so that was when it was signed, you know, by the lawyers and everything was official. And a funny coincidence about that is my birth mom has a son that was born three years after me and his birthday is May 1st. So I was like, whoa, I was literally officially adopted. I cried all over my glasses. I apparently squirted ears. Anyhow, and so that, I thought was interesting. I am waiting for my full record. You guys are the ones that made me aware that that was even a thing. And so it was supposed to be here by yesterday, they said, and they've asked for an extension to the end of the month. So, because it's so much info. they're trying to gather for me. So I'll be interested in reading that. Anyway, so then I was adopted and growing up, I told you about that part already. So as a young woman in Port Coquitlam, V.C., there was a rough for crowd and kids were just a little more advanced in certain things that they shouldn't have been at an early age. And from the grade six on, any boy that was near you was trying to have sex with you, like literally, it was like crazy. And I kept having to run away and say no. But the very most impactful memory for me that was when I had the first like boyfriend that didn't go that far. But when he hugged me for the first time and touched my back and like held me and then kissed me, but the feeling just of being held, literally I could have cried. Like it felt so powerful to me to be touched that way, like in this embrace and warm like loving affectionate, just human touch. And I craved it. I can't, I to this day, I think about that moment. I'll never forget it. And it wasn't a sexual thing. It was a feeling loved and touched an affection. And so I craved that. I was very hungry for that. And so then by, by grade nine, I had dated this one boy who was trying to make me go all the way. And I said no. And then he dumped me. So it was another one that would, they dumped me when I put out. And so the next boyfriend, I dated funny enough to make that last boyfriend jealous. He wasn't even really, he wasn't even really my type, but I dated him anyway. And we were together for like six months and before the thing. And so I used to babysit like my whole like from the time I was well 12 for sure, but earlier even, but I babysit other people's kids and I love children so much. I I, there's people can tell if there's a child because you'll see my face light up whenever we're thinking there, I can always tell there's kids in the room because you just lit up again. You always grinning. So I love children. And so I love to children as a young as a teenager as well. And babysat was babysitting was my life. I babysat a lot and it was my escape from home. And I love being somewhere else and being looked up to by the kids and all that. And then so my boyfriend, we went, oh, hold on, family studies in school. Biggest kind of mistake for me because little one, I mean, she is in family studies class and they teach about the rhythm method and all the different birth control methods and the women's cycle and all the things. And my boyfriend and I had been together for six months, but we did not do that. But everybody I knew was according to them, not a virgin anymore. Who knows? Now I look back and go, I wonder how many people were lying. But I was like 14 when we were dating. And so that's like now I look at it and go holy crap. Anyhow, I convinced him that it was safe the day after I finished my period because there's no egg. We both were virgins both wanted to try it and we both, it wasn't what I expected. It's often not. No, it's so funny. It's so hype up. But so then one of the ladies I babysat for the people I would babysit for, I became very close to them. They became like my place to talk. And they would, I could talk to them about anything that I couldn't talk about at home. And they were very supportive of me and adored me and all that. And so the one said to me, you've been seeing his name was Bob at the time, but now Rob, are you guys sexually active? And I said, red in the face, blotchy, I get blotchy when I'm anxious. And I said, actually just last week was the first time we've ever had sex. And she said, what are you using for birth control? Well, you can well imagine her reaction when I told her the rhythm method. And she was like, what? That is not okay. For her for asking and hearing about you at that age, I love her for this. I'm still in touch with her today. She said, you need to be on birth control pills. You can't, you can't take chances like that. It's not reliable. And so she said, you have to go to your doctor and get on the birth control pill. And I said, I can't go to my doctor. My mom would kill me if she found out. And she says, well, then I'll take you to mine. And so she did. She took me to her doctor. He did a pregnancy test. It came back negative. He gave me the pills. And I hid them in my boyfriend's car and one under my mattress. I had two months worth of these car and one under my mattress. And so under my mattress, like so stupid, my parents searched my room all the time. So this, you can imagine freaking my father out when he would find the pills in there with some missing, some still in it, because I would, if I forgot it in the morning, I'd take it from the one in the car. But anyhow, so it was, I was told to start taking it after my next cycle. So after it was a really light cycle, but sometimes as a team, it is like it's not always heavy or would have you. So I started taking the pills and then I started experiencing all the side effects I was told are from the birth control pill. So I was like, well, it was quite extreme. And Joanne, my lady, I babysat force said to me, asked me about it. And I told her, wow, I really, I'm really getting side effects from the pills. And she said, well, maybe we should go back and see the doctor when I told her the symptoms problem was having a fit. Well, took me to the doctor. Doctor does another test. Comes in. I will never forget his face when he looked at me and told me, well, your pregnant. And I was 15 at the time. And I just, you have to understand for me, I was terrified of my parents. Like, I got in trouble for I could if I was caught with a trace of makeup on my face, I'd get a weapon and be grounded. Like you name it, it was a thing. So I was very afraid. So he's giving me my options, adoption, abortion, having the baby and keeping it. There's your there's your options. All of which I'm like, oh, well, I have to have an abortion. And he said, well, the catch is your under 16, you have parental consent. Well, shit. So that was a problem. So I talked to my big brother who was the one I was closest to and could talk to about these kind of things. And he freaked. And then he was like, I'll talk to them with you. But he kept putting it off too. Eventually one day my dad is in the kitchen and he looked at me and he said something about being pregnant. And I was shocked. But he saw that the pills had a couple left in the box and thought that I was stupid. And that of course you're pregnant. You're freaking not even taking them right. But that's because he would they would search my room all the time. Like you think I was. I need nothing at the worst crime I ever had was sexual sex. That was my crime. The more my way to live as a team is another human is a crime, which to me is just the most natural thing. And we developed for a reason that certain anyway, that's a whole topic. But anyhow, so they found out that I was pregnant. My mom was, well, you can well imagine they were beside themselves, but my mom especially was just so disappointed, disgusted, pissed off, anger, all the things. But the big thing was there was no way she would put her name on any consent for an abortion because she couldn't be the one that made that choice for me. She couldn't live with herself that she was having to be the one to do that. My boyfriend's parents were furious. Absolutely furious because they are like you're ruining these two young kids' lives. They're 15 and 17. They're two young to be parents. All the stuff. So they were furious at your mother. Yes. At my parents wouldn't sign and they didn't have a right to. So they were, he was trapped. Their son was trapped because my mom wouldn't let me have an abortion. In saying all of that. So I'm going through with the pregnancy. I was told I had to give it up for adoption. And I remember the first time I saw the ultrasound and it always gets me choked because when I saw the image on the screen and saw the little baby and they said, "Looks like you have a thumb sucker," which she was. And I guess I was a around three and a half months for me. I don't know when that was. And I burst into tears. And all I could think was I almost got rid of you. Like I would have gotten rid of you. I was in a predicament, not, you know, at the time, and if it was early enough, it's, I know that's the topic. Did you connect the, your birth mother? Not yet. Okay. So that came much later that all of that really hit. And that's a story in itself. So anyway, ended up having the baby during the pregnancy, though, around six, well, throughout the pregnancy, I was supposed to be giving up the baby. And then around six months, my mom, who, my adoptive mom came to me and said, if you had a choice, what would you do? Would you want to keep the baby or would you give the baby up? If you had a choice and I burst into tears and I'm like, I would keep the baby. I love children. I'd been changing diapers for years. I was fully capable of most of it and would figure out the rest, you know? Like everybody else does. And she said, well, I've talked to your dad and he's agreed that if you want to stay and live here until Rob finishes high school and graduates and gets his job, you can. But you have to sign this. I had to sign a contract saying I would not have sex again until I was married. - What the? - And so I signed the contract 'cause I'm not gonna have the baby and keep the baby. And so surprised that she can deal with this. - Yeah, it was quite a thing. But so she made me say that I wouldn't do that again. And she told me, my mother tells me that once you start, you don't stop, so don't make a fool out of me. And all that, like, don't you cross? You have to promise and so I promised. And so some of the people that I babies have for one woman in particular was very upset that I was gonna keep the baby. Even though she would leave her three children with me since they were babies, all the things. And she was off to it. - It's a detrimental time, right? - Well, it's a judgment. You could be giving the greatest gift to a family. You can't have children. My baby was due near Christmas. What a beautiful Christmas gift for someone else. All the things, you still have a life. She regretted that she had children young. So she was in her midlife crisis herself. So she was thinking that I too would regret having kept the child. And she would put the pressure on, I'd come home from babysitting in tears because she'd try to talk me into giving the baby up. So I was being torn and Rob's family wanted me to give up the baby as well. My father's family wanted me to give up the baby because like, what? You can't keep the baby. What are you talking about? Oh, now his life's really ruined. So it was just a lot of push and pull. So that part of it, like I totally understand that, that feeling of the guilt and the shame put on you and all the things. Anyway, we kept the baby. When she was two, we got married. We moved out. My mother didn't show up at the wedding. She didn't know Rob. He waited for her. She didn't show up. We finally went ahead with this thing. She said she couldn't do it because his parents were throwing it. And she would be a fish and a fish role. And they didn't like her. And it was all about that. And I was like, wow, you suck. So it hurt a lot. We moved to an area in the city that was long distance from phone calls to parents so that we could have our own world without being from managed by parents. So that was a bit of a sore point with my mom. And then when we were married for about six months, I talked to men to us having another child. Because I said, I'm home with her already. My life has already been disrupted the cycle of what career and so forth. Why not have our children close together? And so that then after they're in school, I can then pick it up where I left off kind of thing. And he said no for the longest time, finally, I usually get my way. Life would I want something I usually get. And so I finally wore him down and he agreed. And the minute we tried, I got pregnant. Like I'm of most fertile human being. He's like, instant. So we had a son. And when I was seven and a half months pregnant, we moved away because he got a job offer up north of BC, which is a hole in the ground, up Prince George BC. It's about 11 hours drive from where I live on the mainland. And so he was working at a job he hated, but he did it because he wrecked his life. And now I'm stuck doing this because I got knocked because my girlfriend up, that was always his line. - And he heard that? - Oh yes, he was very after I got pregnant, the world shot on him so hard. And it was so unfair because it wasn't his fault for starters. It was actually me because I told him that it was safe and he was nervous about it. And then he got, okay, well, it's safe. We both wanted to try, we were both virgins. So he, I felt terrible that everybody that thought he was a good kid, now were really mean to him. His parents, in particular, really needed to him hard. And other people, he felt like he had let the world, like people down and that he felt people were judging him. So he became an angry, very depressed person and no fun to be around at all. But I was married to him. So and had two children. So we were in Prince George when my son was born. And this is where the story gets so interesting. And so I had gone my whole life knowing I was adopted, knowing, but I'd never thought about the possibility of ever finding my parents or knowing where I was really from. I was raised being told I was part indigenous. And so my family, my brothers would tease me and run around the yard. And I'd go, oh my gosh, we were going to go in the car. One of the things I remember hearing a lot when I'd be like, where are we going? And they would say, we're going to drop you back off with the Indians. I see things like that to think it's funny, because they live to so-called sarcasm and comedy. But it was awful, because you'd always think they were going to get rid of you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So once your son was born-- OK, so I'm home from the hospital. I have his baby book. Now I've done this once before, but it didn't affect me the first time. Second time, I'm filling out the family tree. And it hits me like there's no words for the effect it had on me that time, realizing that every person on here was, I was the adopted granddaughter, the adopted sister, the adopted niece, the adopted daughter, all the things. And it just gripped me. And I was very upset by it. And all of a sudden, like it really bothered me. And then I started having this dream. And it wasn't gross. It was like rubber, where I'm peeling off my skin. And now I'm not adopted. I'm really part of the family. I'm not the outsider. And so that dream repeated itself night after night for a couple of weeks. That's crazy. I would wake up in distress when I'd wake up. And because it stirred something in me. And then I knew I needed to know where I'm from. I need to know who I am, where I came from. I need to know more. The first time I've ever had that, I contacted my mom by letter, asking her, telling her in a long drawn out, it's not about you. I love you guys, all the stuff about. But I need to know more about who I am. And she writes back saying, oh, well, your birth name, I never knew my birth name. She knew my full birth name because the lawyer at the lawyer's office, when the adoption, left the papers on the desk. She saw my birth name on my original birth. She didn't get my mom's name. She missed that, but she saw mine. And she always remembered it. She had already named me Stacey Alanna Lee. And she said, if she had known it before that, she might have used the Colleen, which was my birth name was Alanna Colleen. So she knew Alanna Colleen Milligan was my name. So she told me. And then she said, and so then I was able to contact the government for non-identifying information. They sent me my non-identifying information, telling me all about my mom and my dad and all the stuff. So we're steaming up my glasses. So that began the search. And I became obsessed. I contacted parent-finders, parent-finders. When they got my information, they looked in their system. And I said, oh, it's so interesting. there's a boy. Baby Boy born in January 66, which is a Milligan, which has very similar storyline of the family. Like it was so, but it's a boy and it was born January. So we, of course it wasn't for me. It wasn't my mom looking. Turns out later on in life, I find out five years later that that was my aunt searching for my her son. - Oh, man. - She knew her aunt and she passed away without finding. But that's a whole story in itself, but that was so weird. I think that right there, that information alone could have helped me for the next five years of torture going through. - Oh, because your biological mom had gone away 'cause her little sister had all of it. - Yes, though it was her aunt. And but who would know that? Who would ever. - Oh, I could possibly be the case, but that was my aunt. Anyway, so the search was difficult. As you know, back then there was no internet, there was nothing like that. So it was a lot trying to piece the pieces together like how do you find this? Year after year on my birthday, I would put an ad in the Toronto paper. Maybe she still lived there and she'd read it, looking for her. And then nothing. And I would have a breakdown after my birthday for the next few years. And we did all the things, the going to the library, the microfiche, the census reports, the you name it. But nothing was piecing together, but one year after my birthday, I started calling all the milligans in our white pages, phone book. I started the beginning and I started to call and I would ask them if by any chance this storyline of, I had a grandfather who died in his early 40s of a heart attack. He had two boys and two girls and a boy and lived in Ontario. And to see if they it rung a bell. One guy said, "Wow, that's interesting." But the brother that he had that died of a heart attack didn't have any kids. But he said, "Wow, it's crazy. "The circumstances that they both had, "there was two Milligan men that died in their 40s of a heart attack." Anyway, so we hung up, nothing else was said. Thank you, wish you luck with your search, et cetera. So I go back to the drawing board. I had a neighbor who was a Christian. I wasn't and she invited me to go one night to her little church home group thing. And at that group, I went and they were all playing music and I always love singing. So you get me hooked on anything if there's music involved. So in I go and then they had a moment where they talked about, "Is anybody have anything they'd like prayer for?" And so she nudged me. She says, "What about for you find in your mum?" 'Cause she knew I was having a week of emotion over this. And she, they did. And then one of them came to me later telling me that her sister had found her birth mum and that she had contacts if I'm interested, that worked in the government that had access to records. But it cost money and I never had money 'cause I was a young mum and it was just always, "Page, I took page, so." And I divorced that first husband when my son was one and a half and left him and then not long after ended up with someone significantly older than me. I would be very offended when people would say it's her father figure in your life. But now looking back, I'm like, it was the father figure. 'Cause he was so sweet to me and affectionate and all the things too. Me like a princess, but he was a lot older. And we ended up getting married and all the things. But I wondered 'cause you kept saying, we were looking, was he the one that helped you? Helped me a lot. A lot. He was actually a big part of me finding my dad, actually. But so where was I? So back to the record you read the church, you found. Okay, so then he started to come together. But the big thing that happened was I got a phone call from parent finders one day and they said, there's a family, there's a couple that are trying to reach you. They've written us a letter 'cause they couldn't, they didn't know how to reach them or something or the office was closed. So they wrote a letter saying, we would like to find, do you know a woman who is looking for this is the stuff? So then she pieced together that it was me. She contacted me because they wanted to know if maybe there was a chance that one of their nieces used their other brother as like fictitiously made up the story and that possibly what if when she was supposed to be off at college, she was actually off having a baby. So they just knew they needed to at least explore it before and find me. So these people were a massive part of my finding my family. They were not my family. It turned out we were not family funny enough. The pictures on the wall of their kids, I would have thought it was their family, but I wasn't, but we became very bonded through it. So Jerry is out golfing in North Vancouver BC. My family was from Ontario. He's talking to his buddy when he's golfing, telling him about this young woman who's looking for a family and he's, you know, and so interested in a Milligan's and telling him the whole story and the guy says to him, oh, what, really? I worked with a man at Shell Oil in Ontario that fits the exact description. He had two daughters and a son and he died in his early 40s of a heart attack, William Milligan and he had a picture of him from the Shell Oil magazine. Well, that was a huge part. Now, who would have thought this person who wasn't my family would somehow know someone from across the country that worked with my grandfather 25 years ago? Like, what? So like, do do do do. Yeah. So that helped. So now when we're going to the census records, we have some names that we're now trying to pair up and find name of a woman that might, and then in the meantime, the person from church was able to find the birth name of my mother. So now I knew Patricia, now I knew William, now I knew, so all of it started to just come together in seconds and yeah, that it was unbelievable. And so within months, we got the pieces together and we found, well, within a couple of weeks of that information. And I look and Edna, his wife, which would have been my grandmother, worked also at Shell Oil. So on the Monday morning, first thing, I call Shell Oil. Now, I have to tell you, I never wanted, oh shoot, I'm using up too much time. See, I knew this was going to happen. I get up. Anyway, long story short, I called, they put me through to her son, said she's not working here anymore. I never wanted to talk to my grandmother. I was terrified of outing my mom, told her about me, and her, sorry, told her that I wanted to talk to him. And she put me through to my uncle, and my uncle says, oh, well, she's moved recently. I don't have her number. I can contact my sister. She might have it. Is there a message you'd like to give her? And I said, yes. I knew her. I told him that I knew her in the '60s when she was in Vancouver and she'd made an important impact in my life. And I've always meant to track her down again and thank her. That was my line. And so it was not going to give away who I was. And so he said, and I said, can you tell her, a Lanacolene would love to be in touch? And so he did. And my mom burst into tears, called her and knew it was me. And she had just told her husband, because she was newly married, on the weekend about me for the first time. And he said, I feel you're going to be reunited soon. And sure shit, by Monday, I was talking to her. So great. So great. Two days. One month. My mom had a daughter, one month apart from me. We have daughters, Tara and Kara, that are one month apart in age. My mom had a dog named Cody. My son's name is Cody. My mom lived-- this is the part-- in Prince George, the five months out of her life was May of '85, which was the when I came home from the hospital with my son. And I went through the massive obsession with finding her. And she left in October. We lived blocks from each other. Oh my goodness. And so that's obviously that connection was there. And I could feel-- so I don't know. I can't explain it all. All I know is, wow. Long story short, so then I found my dad a few years later through the record industry. Here's a little picture of him. Oh, look at him. He's handsome. I actually found it. It was another entire podcast. Today I'll get the whole story about my dad. And that story, that's wild. But between my father and my mother, I gained seven sisters and three more brothers. Because my father was quite prolific. He had three wives and children with each of them, and then me. Funny enough, his eighth child, including me, he gave the name Octavia in the middle for eight because he knew about me. He knew about me. but he never bothered to try and talk to my mom about it. But he still knew I was out there and so I was included. So he welcomed me in when I found him because I look exactly like his mother, like spitting images on Annie from like here up. And so yeah, he couldn't deny I was who I was when he saw my picture. So that's a whole wonderful story. My two oldest brother and sister actually had always wanted to find me because they found the letter in their mom's drawer when they were kids and they wanted to find their sister. And so they were excited to have me. So it's a lot. - You were one. - There's no way. - You have the whole thing. - This whole, you know, I've suffered with all the things you guys have shared. I'm going, I promised myself this year was gonna be the year of me finally allowing myself to heal from some of it and working through some of those things that are inside that are rough. Right now, sadly, my birth mom is in the hospital. We've had a wonderful relationship. So, but she's, she had a stroke. So she's, she's barely herself now. And she was an amazing woman. She won Woman of Distinction Award. She worked right up to 78 years old last year. She was still working. She always gave to everybody else in her life. She was always the outreach her working for, she works in the indigenous communities and helps with people in prison and helps with so many aspects of it and is so well known in her in communities. It's crazy. And I always was the one bringing in and my ex-husband would say, what is it with you? Always bringing the freak's home. It's, you always talk to the weirdos. And it's like, I'm like, they're not weirdos, but if they were special needs or they had, or they were having problems, I was always found out. - Can you take after her in that way? - Yeah, really. - But when I first met her, she had people that had nowhere to stay that were staying at her house that had just somebody just got out of prison and another woman whose husband beat her and I'm sharing this house with all these people that she's rescuing, you know? So that's my first mom and a lot of hope. So, I'm so happy you found them and everything. - A couple of quick questions before you wrap up. Did you, are you still in touch with your adoptive family? - Yeah, I wondered. - So I have people that say, I can't believe you still talk to them or to your mom in particular, 'cause she was pretty harsh with me. And she also was the reason I got to keep my daughter. Like, I have this very, like, I have wonderful memories, but I also have a lot of trauma from her. She's been giving it to me more recently and I think she's beginning signs of dementia possibly. And so, 'cause she's been brutal this year. - Really, really brutal. - And so, and she's been bringing up my mom, my birth mom and, oh, she didn't want you and saying things really mean. And she helped me with the search to be honest. She was happy to help, but she was very threatened by my wife. And I have this bond with her that feeling you talk about when you meet, there's nothing that I ever felt in my life. First of all, when I first saw my first child, which you've all spoke of, that was the first year's love. And I, wow. But then finding my family, it was instant. Like, the connection was devastatingly powerful because I had to leave again. They lived in one side of the country and I lived on the other. And so it was traumatic to have to leave. But yes, I'm close to my mom. She's still alive and my dad has both of my fathers have passed now. And my mom is, yeah, the one that raised me, my adopt mom. She, I love her and I want her to be happy, but she's very difficult. She's, we have a very difficult relationship. And yeah, so in its hard, 'cause you're balancing that guilt all the time and you, you know, you have much, I love my birth moment, my family, it's powerful stuff. - Well, thank you for sharing this. What a wild ride it's been. - Oh wow, I will be writing my book. I've been going to, I started years ago, but I found it difficult because I don't want to upset anyone. And so I stopped. And so I am going to do it. I promised myself I'm going to do it. And so. - Well, keep us, please keep us posted. And thank you so much for coming on. It was really great talking to you. - Thank you. - Yay. - Yeah, bye bye. - Bye bye. - Bye bye. - Wow, that was quite the story. - Yeah, I mean, I'm so, you know, we've just recently read on a 'cause of the book. And, well, and I just heard, having to keep the baby, she got to keep her baby, I'm just, I was so happy to hear that. - I know, I was going. I know, I, and, you know, as Tepa's her adoptive mother was, at least that was encouraged and provided. - It was interesting, right? Like her, there must be something in there where mom recognized some of this. - Oh, but just the whole childhood and then, - I don't know. - Going, having to be put in the bathtub just. - And just in your trouble, 'cause you don't fit. - Right, 'cause you don't fit. And I had similar stuff always in trouble, always, in any way. - I was always too chatty, I got that. Too chatty, zip it. Why are you telling everybody everything? (laughing) - Oh boy, well, what do we say to Liz? - Another great episode. See you next time. See you next time. - Thanks so much for listening today. - If you wanna reach us, you can find us at our website, adoptionthemakingofme.com. And you can also go to patreon.com to find us and we're on all the socials. Thank you. (upbeat music)