AJ Marroquin Wants to Throw Someone

- Wave. - Are you squatting? - No, I'm not doing anything. - I did go, I got a trainer recently and he was like, what's your fitness goal? And I was like, I want to be able to throw someone so hard I killed them. (laughing) - Joke, I'm gonna do it. - I'm not gonna do it. - 'Cause I want to lie in the mood. I'm so uncomfortable at the gym. So I said that and he, without even smiling, he goes, we can get you there. (laughing) (upbeat music) Are we recording? Well, turn it off, I don't want to talk to this. Sorry, sorry, AJ, I'm sorry. - Don't apologize to me, apologize to my wife and my kids. (laughing) - Her outside of listening to this. - They're sitting out there, cold. They're not allowed in. - I'm great. - How are you babe? - I am tired, but I am here. - Yeah, yeah, like dry too. - Dry? - Yeah. - The money looks so wet. - (laughing) - I walked into it. - Yeah, you said it was good for that one. - How are you? - I'm good, I'm good, I love you new neck tattoos. - Thank you so much. - Looking really good. - They're fresh, my friend Angel did them. I will say, I've had someone approach me and say that the tattoos make it look like I'm into like pp stuff. - Really? - Yeah. - Whatcha didn't think was at the same time. - Most of your tattoos do give out. (laughing) - I think it's a combination of like bald and beard and these earrings. - I was about to say that. - It looks like I'm about to like. - It's, yeah. - Sound. - The sound really upset me. - The sound is like, it's like when you close a door that has like rubber around the. - Yeah, it's balled. - It's bald eyebrows, beard glasses, tattoos. The whole thing is giving you a kiss on this guy. - That's why I tried to like offset it by a wearing like you and a glow. - Yeah. (laughing) - A button down shirt. - A button says like, well, hold on. I have a job. - Yeah. - Pist can come later. - Most gay guys with like powerful office jobs are in the King community, I feel. - Oh, most guys in the King community end up with powerful office jobs. Well office jobs are a type of sadism. - Yeah, they are. I think people who are absolutely like you're in it for the pain and I think it's like more often than not. I have like hub friends that do a lot of sex work and they've talked about like, oh like their clients are like big time lawyers who like they're verbally dominant in their day-to-day life and they want to go find someone who will just step all over their balls. - Yeah. - And spend their money. - That's really interesting. - Yeah. I'm verbally dominant in my day-to-day life and no one's allowed to talk to me like that, I don't relate to that. I'm, you hear this all the time. It was like the whole concept of baby girl or whatever. - Yeah. - Where it's like, she's tired of being the boss at work. She wants to be smacked or whatever. I'm like, not me. No thanks. I like carry it through actually. - I agree. I am a very verbally dominant person. I also appreciate the smack of it all, but at some point you're smacking too hard. - Yeah. - Like step back. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? - He's been coming up a lot in the podcast. - Yeah. - There's an interesting thing where this podcast where things will just come up in chunks for weeks at a time. - Chunks. - For like several months it was the trolley problem that kept coming up and it wasn't like I was always bringing it up or maybe I was I guess. I don't know, but now it's kind of like whether or not people are allowed to hit me during sex. (laughing) And the answer is no. - You're not allowed to be mean to me in any context ever. - What about being verbal? - Like being verbally mean to me? - Or like aggressive. - No. - Unless it's like cute. (laughing) - You can be like a little like, I know. You can't really be mean to me. You can't degrade me. You can't hit me. - Ever. - I'm not interested in it. - What do you do then? - It's a tough program. Mostly you could like mostly thombs. - Praise me. - You could praise me. You could kiss me. - Oh my god. - Yeah. Praise me and kiss me are like two big things. - Do you verbally degrade people? - Absolutely. - Okay. (laughing) - Not a lot of thinking without one. - Yeah, I'm excited to it. - Yeah, I'm happy to talk to an episode with verbal degradation. - Well so many of them want it. Like you want it. - I didn't. - Yeah. - I'm about to bust. - Oh, I can see this. I can hear it. - I can hear it. 'Cause we're trying to do a podcast. - I know. I know. Or it's like lovely room. It's like so bright and colorful. I'm like, yeah. So people want to get their dick stepped on. (laughing) Immediately. Tell me about yourself. You from Kansas. - I'm from Kansas. - Southwest Kansas Garden City. Go Buffs. Woop, woop, um. (laughing) - The podcast is actually like affecting you. I've never seen you act like that. - I know. - I've never seen you go. Woop, woop, um. - Get him. - Yeah. - I'm around another Midwest diva. That's how I get. - Yeah. - You actually make me, I get quite a bit around you. We did lunch the other day and you, I was like starting to smile at the beginning of your story and it pissed you off immediately. You were like, what's going on? What are you doing with your face? And I'm like, I'm smiling 'cause I'm having a good time. - Very devilish. And so what happened was I think I was telling a story that I really wanted you to focus on and you started to go. (laughing) You started to smile at me like that. It's Stephanie McNeighan me. (laughing) Where she's like, (laughing) And I was like, A.J. and you were like, I'm just enjoying your company. - I what? And I was just genuinely enjoying your company. And then you, like, it happened a second time. I started smiling a little bit. You're like, what? What are you doing? - What? You're not usually nice to me. - So it's very scary. - The pillows are soft. The fireplace is cute. I'm enjoying myself. - Let's continue to talk about me again. - I want to. - Okay, so yeah. Kansas, lived in Kansas City for a while. Then Chicago for a long time. - Which is where we met, by the way. - Where we met Chicago. - Yeah. - But you were weird here. (laughing) - We met in Chicago. Do you remember how we met? - Um, no. - I remember. - Wow. (laughing) - I'm sure it was like at the hideout or something. I was probably smoking a cigarette outside or something and you saw me. - To not even try to remember how we met before coming on the show. - I know. It's terrible, isn't it? - Yeah. - I remembered I did not like you. - Is that true? - No. - Ah, it's kind of. (laughing) - That's really interesting. - Not that I didn't like you all the way. I just had doubts about you because you were just such a like, you were such a pilot like positive like person and you seemed I know what's happened. - You know when someone's like, even when you started the podcast, you're like, "Hey, like how are you doing?" I'm like, I'm tired. - Yeah. - Like at that point, I'd be like, "How are you?" I'm having a great day. - Fuck it, kill me. - Yeah. - So you didn't like me, is that it? - Oh yeah, I'm a little bit positive. - Yeah, but kind of worked me out in a weird way. - What, I mean, that's obviously like a very specific you problem that we, I hope you've worked on. But was there anything else I was doing to make you not like me? Was there anything else about me that was rubbing you the wrong way? - No, I think I was just kind of a huge bitch. - And you were really nice. - That can't be all. There had to be something else going on. - No. - I mean, I totally acknowledged. (laughing) - It was very like positive. - I totally acknowledged that you're a huge bitch and I'm an angel, but yeah. - Thank you. - The energy was very like coworker who was like, "Hey, happy Friday, junior." (laughing) - And I'm like, so you thought I was a corn ball. - You thought I was a corn ball. - It's Thursday, bitch. - Yeah, that's what it was. - That's what it gets down to. It wasn't just that I was like sweet. You thought I was a corn ball. - Yeah, and those things kind of interlocked. And now it's completely different. - Yeah. - You don't think I'm sweet anymore? - Sure. - When you want to be. - No, it is. I will say I was definitely in like a, I think when I moved to Chicago was like the first time, well, number one, I was like 22. And it was the first time I had ever felt like, my life was exciting. Like I was like, "Oh my God, I live in a life is so exciting." I'm like, "Move to a big city." I'd never lived in New York for like six months for an internship, but I was like living in a big city on my own. I was very excited. It was very easy to get me in a good way. - I could tell. - And you didn't like that. You were like, "This is my city." - The kind of energy. - And it was. - And it was. And it still fucking is. - And it still fucking is. - I still have my flag planted in Chicago. - Wait, how did we meet? - How did we meet? Oh, I don't know. (laughing) You got to remember shit like that? I'm sure I thought you were a negative annoying bitch. - And I was. - I was like, "This e-work character chain smoking cigarettes out front of the hideout." - Smoking cigarettes back to back to back. - No, I loved you. I love alternative people. - Ouch. (laughing) - No. - Alternative people. - No, I loved you. - Yeah, I'm sure you met me at a very, I had a blood capsule in my mouth kind of comedy if I am during that time. - Yeah. - At any point, I was really like bleed from the mouth and do something crazy. - That's what everyone was doing at the hideout. It was a huge time for people. - I felt stupid at the hideout at that time. I actually did feel a little insecure at the hideout at that time because I never had like a prosthetic vagina on stage. - I was doing like power points. I was doing like power points about my love life and other people were like, "All right, this next comedian, "they're so, so exciting, "they're one of the best comics doing it right now." And then they'd come up and like ride around and like fake shit for 30 minutes. - Yeah. - And kill. - And I was like, "God, I wish I had that level of freedom." - You met them with a very thoughtful, like power points. - Stupid. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You could see their counsel kids. - Friday, junior. - Yeah. (laughing) - I would do my Friday, junior, junior. - Yeah. - Which also the power point comedy at that point was just, it was all over. - You bickwitties. - Yeah. - You bickwitties. I really feel that when they write the, this chapter of the comedy history books, they need to give a lot of credit to the Chicago comics that were there when we were there. Because a lot of the shit that's like happening now is a direct result of what was going on in the Chicago scene. I'm not talking about my stuff. I'm talking about other people that I was around. But a lot of the stuff that's popular now is a direct result of like the 2015 to 2020 Chicago comedy scene. - Yeah, I agree. You know, there's a lot of processing through that. I also remember too, Chicago doing comedy there was like the first time I, 'cause I started, it did comedy and Kansas to be for a little bit by the NASCAR Speedway. (laughing) - And they'd bring you on stage and be like, up next we have a gay comedian. - Wow. - And it's like, well yeah. - Don't be gay if you don't want them all. - You see, also the crowd has, guys and ears, they're going to find out in about 30 seconds, but it was just really funny. Like you'd be about to walk on me here gay community, it's like, well, yeah, yeah, there's my whole set. Yeah. What do I talk about now? Yeah. Yeah. It was in so to go from that to Chicago where it's like, you know, Sarah's coming out of like a giant cardboard but hole, you know, she's being rebirthed on stage. And I'm like, no one gives a fuck about that. Yeah. It's Sarah coming out of like a prosthetic vagina on stage and then makes altars in the back like strangling an audience member. Yeah. It was like a fun era. It was a fun era. Yeah. Good time. What, uh, why did you move to Chicago from Kansas City? Oh, I had just been in Kansas City for a long time and I went to visit Chicago for the first time and it was my first time ever kind of being like in a real like gay club, gay, like neighborhood. I was in boys town and I just remember being like, oh my god, there's like more than five gay people. Yeah. And this is like what I wanted that whole time and all that Berlin and they're all at Berlin. Oh, I do remember I walked into Berlin. We went to Sharon needles had just one drag race, this one's actually, um, Sharon needles had just one drag race. We walked into Spin night club and I was wearing the most herring this outfit. I'll have to find you a picture for it is like I'm wearing like a mesh tank top, another jacket. I'm wearing like enough hot topic necklaces like chain two gather it was like weighing me down. I had a faux hawk. Yeah. Um, I got to bead up to this fucking sun, which ought to be to the gods. Oh, my God. And I'm not saying that that's what made me bald, but it was actually a lot of like poor health issues. Yeah. That made me bald. Anyway, we won't cross that. But when to go see that show went to Berlin, stay out until like four o'clock in the morning, ate a huge, big pancake at this place called Clark Steiner across the street. And I was like, I want this combination in my life forever. Forever. Yeah. And then went back home to Casey, packed my shit up and probably moved out there like maybe four or five months later. Yeah. Yeah. I had simultaneously some of the hottest makeouts of my life at Berlin and also some of the most annoying interactions I think I have ever had in my entire, it was like every time I went to Berlin, it was like, I'm going to have the best and worst moments of my life tonight. Yes. Like I'm going to bump into some gay guy that I do not want to speak with and get cornered by him. It wasn't me. I bumped into you at Berlin my time. I always saw you. You're not going to get me to come against you. You didn't like me. I liked you. I immediately liked you. I was like, I love this guy. And I'm trying to sow discord. I'm like, you threw coffee at me. Yeah. You hated me too. No girl. I loved you. Yeah. I loved you the whole time. Oh my god. Yeah. It was such a god, I fucking love Berlin. What happened there? I have no fucking clue. I don't know what happened. No idea. I remember, I do remember the one thing that sold me on it though is I was watching Kim Chi who was, you know, since been on Drag Race did I drove all night by Celine Dion dress like Princess Peach holding a like a wee steering wheel and was pulling like old banana peels out of her bra. Like dropping them on the stage to sound it. And I was, that was the first time I'd ever been like, oh my god. This is what art is. Yeah. Yeah. You could just do that. Yeah. And I was like enamored by that. I'd say most drag performances I watch. Oh, you can just do that. Is the feeling. Yeah. Yeah. But mine's with a question mark. You can do that. You can do that. Yeah. I know. I did see someone at Berlin one time do a performance where they had, um, I think they had meant to like completely douche themselves and then like shoot like glittery water out of their ass and then mid performance just huge piece of shit came out of them. So. And at that point, that's when you know I had to move on. So sorry, where do we go from here? Yeah. That was a really upsetting story. I know. I'm so sorry. Those are really upsetting story. But you know, queer art, queer of support, queer art, support queer art. Protect the dolls. Protect them. Protect them. For real. I pull out a knife. Protect the dolls. Okay, I have a question for you. Sure. You've traveled so much. Yes. You like spent a couple, you're running from something. I've always, you always say that. I've been accusing you for years of running from something. I still don't fully know what it is that you're running from mean either, but it's my opinion that you're on the run from something, either an entity or a feeling, but that's my opinion. You will literally at I'll catch up with you. You'll be like, so how was London and I'm like, oh, it was great. So what are you running from? No. And that's like the second follow up thing where you'll be like, how was staying in an attic in Yugoslavia or wherever the fuck you were at? Yeah. You know, I wasn't in Yugoslavia. Well, it's, you know, I love you. You're my friend. I want to know what you're running from. So I can help you escape or to turn around and confront it, you know, to turn around and look it in the eyes and say, I'm on my way from anything I'm running toward uncut dick and car. In Europe. In Europe. In Europe. Can you do the same? For sure. It's a little more a measure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what's your favorite place you've ever been? I'd say Italy. I loved it. I stayed in Rome and I've done that like two or three times and I would go back a billion times. People there are hot. They are closets. I feel like a lot of closets are the gay men in Italy. Like you'll find them. They'll be like, oh, you're so beautiful. I want to write a poem about you. And then we're like, let's go back to your place. Like, I live with my mom. Yeah. And she does. And she does not know. Yeah. And my wife. Yeah. And my children. Yeah. My kids know they're cool, but my wife and mom are not robots together. Yeah. And so I'm like, that is a little downer, but I think Italy is beautiful. Yeah. I'd say that's my favorite. That way. And I like London. I don't know. I know like everything. It's like that feels weird to say. London is just a really fun party place. Yeah. Yeah. We've had fun in London. We did. That was a fun trip. It was a really good time. That was a really good trip. I got my phone stolen that trip. You did. But yeah. Things happened to you. I came by while I was mid face time with some friends. I come to buy on a motorbike. It just snatches it out of my hands. And I didn't even have time to process. I was just like, I was like, Sharkide blackout drunk. I was just like, I don't know where I'm going. And sometimes I was like, okay, well, let's figure out your address and how to get you home. And I remember I got like an iPhone 6S. Because that's all I could afford during that trip and really on tour. I was opening for you during that part of your tour. I spent the rest of that trip with an iPhone 6S. And every photo I took of us together, it looks like I had been eating KFC. The lens has just completely greased. I think Florence Pue went to a show at one point. I took a picture of me and you in a mirror and she jumped up in front of the camera. I think it's probably the worst picture that's ever been taken of her. And it was like everywhere the next day. And I was like, oh my god, I like hurt her. It was bad. The iPhone 6S was a bad trip. That was a funny trip because not only were all the pictures you were taking bad, but there were a lot of famous people around. And so every morning I would wake up in London and there would be a new like Twitter thread. Like Florence Pue hits the town with a fat gay comedian. We don't know of. And it would just be pictures of us from the night. I remember there was one I saw that was like I woke up one morning. I had gotten like uncharacteristically drunk. Like I had gotten so fucked up one night. We'd gone out dancing. And I woke up to like 15 texts from friends that were all the same tweet. And I went to the tweet and it was like Florence Pue out in London with friends. And it was a picture of it was me standing in the street like this. And Florence grinding on me. Yeah. And us in the middle of like a street in London, but I don't know if she was drunk. And for like the cursed child. True. And I was so hammered. And I was like, all right, that's a beautiful, that's a beautiful time capsule of that evening, I guess. It's so good. And I think the caption on one of the photos is just like it's me saying it's giving an iPhone 6s. Yeah. It's a picture of Florence like mid-action like like just like face blur. So funny. Incredible trip. We sing karaoke that night. We did. In the karaoke room. Smallest room. With like 30 people. Yeah. And everyone was trying to hook up with somebody in that room. Everyone was. And except for you and I, we were the only people that were actually there for karaoke. Taking it all too seriously like I'm holding the book with like both hands. And you're like kind of organizing who's going next. Yeah. We're all about logistics, which I appreciate. You and I are logistics gaze. And everyone's like trying to kiss like, ah, actually she's at max. That's harmony. And then we'll see. Yeah. Now that harmony and we'll see about the kissing. What about you? Where's a place that you've been that you'd like, absolutely would be there all the time if you could be. Oh, I love Amsterdam. I love Amsterdam. I have so much fun in Amsterdam. I just, I really enjoy it. Mexico City. I adore. Yeah. Mexico City's fabulous. It's so good. It smells like steak all the time. It does. And I really appreciate that. I love that. That's a teeny tiny bit of Spanish. It's here. survival Spanish. Hola. Catal. Lo siento. I've own poco a Spanish opener. It's muy mal. La mesa. La mesa. Poor Friday you know? It's possible. Friday, junior in the face. One of my big, one of my big embarrassing bad Spanish traits is that I just use a "As possible" for any question, I'll just point it something I'll be like, "La mesa, poor Quattro." "As possible" is my. I think it works. It works, but it's humiliating. I'm just walking around, it's Spanish-speaking countries being like, "It's possible?" I'm pointing at milk. And they're like, "Sure." I'm like, "I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm a cafe con leche. I point at ice. I'm like, "H yellow." "As possible." They're like, "It's what basically I've just said like, coffee milk ice, it's possible." And they're like, and then, and by the way, they're like, "Yes, sir." They speak English all the time, they're like, "Why are you doing this?" They're like, "Why are you doing this?" Also, like, saying it's possible, like, you can't, there's no way you're ever going to hear no. Because that literally always is possible. It's possible. Yeah. Those are going to be like, "No, coffee and milk together. Not going to happen here." I will say in Madrid, they did not. The Madrid is the place I've been that they were the least forgiving or charmed by my bad Spanish. Yeah. It was like, I was like, "Lo siento, mío es muy mal," and they're like, "Okay." Which is appropriate. I'm in their country. I should know the language. Yeah. Or like, I try to look things up, but my elbows cracking when I'm doing that. Okay. Old. Um, but wait, you're quite a bit older than me. (laughing) No, this is good, I'm not making fun. You're quite a bit older than me. I'm turning 31 this week. Yeah. By the time this comes out, I'll be 31. Do you have any advice for me? Tone it down. Take it back a notch. (laughing) Whatever this is, that back a little bit. Not about you anymore, your old news. Don't do that. Don't do that. No, I think, legit stop. Legitimate advice is, don't pretend that you're older than you have to be. I hate when people in their 30s are like, "Oh, don't invite me out past 9 p.m. My body hurts." It's like, baby, that's MS. Like, you're invited, that has nothing to do with being in 30. Like, you need to move on. Yeah. It's, stop. No, I'll turn it down. Yeah. It's good advice. Yeah, please. I wouldn't look like you want to be verbally degraded right now. I don't want to be, I shouldn't be like you kind of nuanced and understated. Well, shit. (laughing) What? Say it again. (laughing) And hit your camera. Yeah. Show my nibble rings to the camera. New loss and understated. I mean, you're doing 31 so far. Okay, look at those shoes. I'm not 31 yet. Oh, wait. Yeah, that's right. Please. When I'm 31, we'll talk about it. No, I was hoping you'd have something earnest to say to me, but I guess you're really not going to give me any advice. No, that's my earnest advice. Go out and still be. I used to be so fucking terrified of like there's going to be one day where I have to start wearing like golf polos and like, like, pants up to my titties. Yeah. And then I learned that you just don't have to do that. Yeah. I even worked at a Goth bar in Chicago called Late Bar. That was their door, their meme little door girl there for the little bit. There's a couple that was working there. Dan and Lisa. And they're an older, they're actually the people that got me to my first comedy show. Do you want to host a comedy show at a Goth bar in a Polish neighborhood on Wednesday? It's 11 p.m. I'm like, hell yeah. But they were just like, you know, fully themselves and, you know, in their 50s. And I just thought, oh, after that point, like, you don't have to worry about being, you know, your age or being older. I mean, sometimes there are certain people where it's like, you know, I have a friend whose mom is still wearing like Hollister polos. No, I think you're right. I was just actually talking to somebody about this last night that I'm getting so annoyed by as like a bunch of my friends are turning 30 and early 30s. So many people are doing this like really insane thing where they're like, we're in our 30s now. I mean, it's nine o'clock. We got to get home. We're in our 30s now. I'm like, and I've gotten trouble for this last time I said it on the show. I feel like people were a little mad at me, but like, I'm sorry. If you have a computer job, you are fine. You have a computer, an indoor computer job. You can stay out until 3 a.m. and do your job tomorrow. Your job is borderline fake. You have the energy in the time. You need to like relax and see me with a computer job. And like, now I'm, you know, addicted to emphetamines. And I'm out here in these streets. You're in these streets. I'm pushing. No, I think what you're saying is corrected. There's this idea of like, oh, I'm so exhausted. And then you'll say something about that. They'll be like, well, what about the term I hate? The little horrors, all the horrors. Get myself a little tree. Are you mad at me? Shut the fuck up. It's like shut up. It's like a new iteration of touch my button by me tacos. Yeah. Oh my god. The horrors. The horrors of your nine to five computer job. Yeah. You're fine. The horrors of like, you're scrolling through like infographics and people's like, you know, thirst traps of like them and like, it's like, come on, I get that, whatever. But it's like, move on. Also, it's not a little treat. It's dessert. Yeah. Thank you. I'm taking myself out in a solo date. Sorry, bitch. That's called dinner. [LAUGHTER] You're not going on a solo date. You're eating food. Yeah. Like a person does. Yeah. You know, stop making it. So like, I don't know, solo date. I kind of like, I can't lie to you. I feel a little romantic. It's a little romantic. It's not romantic. Friday, junior. [LAUGHTER] Solo dates a little romantic. I like that. I like that. I like how I'm taking my self out on a date. Oh, I'm taking this guy over to my house. And it's just me at my house. Why are you single? Do you think, like, what, why don't you have a partner? You know, where's your, like, you're, like. You know. [LAUGHTER] I'm just, I just avoid anything at all costs. Like, I do want one. But then when someone's like, I want that too. I'm like, OK, back up. Yeah. Whoa. Let's take a few steps back. That's crazy to say. Yeah. And so I'm trying to be better about not oscillating so violently between, you know. I want a one night of stand, or I want a long relationship. It's like, I want to, like, pick something and be intentional about it. Yeah. I've had ops to do it and then I'll, like, absolutely find a way to back out of it. I'm like, oh, you know, he's posting, like, and this one was a reasonable one. I was talking to this guy and I found his Facebook and then by found, I don't mean, like, oh, it popped up. I looked for it. And I was like, I need to know what's going on. Yeah. And he was posting, like, pictures of, like, the Rugrats as, like, adults. Yeah. You know, he was like, wow, it's like Tommy Pickle with, like, a brief case. Yeah. He was like, this is just what it's like. And I was like, fuck. [LAUGHTER] You can never have sex with me again. Yeah. And that kind of stuff, like, you know, just snowball into it. Yeah. My friends were like, that's not that bad. I'm like, yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. It is that bad. That's really a great deal. Yeah. I like it. Deathly Hollows watercolor tattoo. Sorry. Sorry. I'd rather you post that you're in al-Qaeda. I'd rather you take that fucking arm off completely at the elbow. I don't want to see it. Yeah. But that's my story. Are you dating anybody? What? What? I forgot your ace. Yeah. No, I am, like, at this point, I guess, not really newly. I'm out of a relationship. I'm dating. I'm seeing people. I don't know. Dating is hard. It's just, like, kind of a hard prospect to be. I like dating. I think it's pretty fun. But trying to find the person who-- Look, I acknowledge the same thing that poly people acknowledge. That's true, OK? When they say, like, it is really hard to expect one person to be everything. I understand that that's true. I am still looking for it, because I'm not willing to outsource, like, yes, I know it's hard to find one person who is, like, you mean outsource that go to the Philippines? No. I would do that. No, I just mean, like, when poly people are like, yeah, some one person shouldn't have to be. You're like financial partner, sexual partner, best friend, etc. I'm like, unfortunately, I am still searching for that. Yeah. And that is really hard to find. So I'm just out here looking. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on all the apps. Hell yeah. I'm on all the apps. It's just like how it is. I don't really want to be. And I think it's romantic. The idea of meeting my partner on an app. No, I do romanticize it. Then I'm like, wow, of all the people in the world that are on this app, we, like, found each other and actually made it to the date and then continued seeing each other. But yeah, the apps are just like, that's how it's going to happen. I'm sure of it. Oh, absolutely. I've said it before myself. Everyone says it. They're like, you know what? I'm just done with the apps. I'm going to, you know, I have to meet my-- no, you're not. I've never said that. And I'll never do it. I know for a fact. I know for a fact pause. Stop right there. And I never said that. I will never do that. I hate when my friends do this. They're like, yeah, I'm just like, I know it works for other people. But like for me, I'm going to meet my person in the, no, you're not. They're not, they're not waiting for you at the bar. I'm sorry. That is too impossible. We're too busy. Get on the fucking apps and go meet someone. Stop it. That's true. This episode is brought to you by booking.com booking.com-- oh, where's the booking. Yeah. Oh, it's down there. Booking.com offers a wide array of hotels and vacation rentals across the U.S. so you can find exactly what you're booking for or something for everyone. Even those who are impossible to please, whether you're booking for yourself, your partner, your picky teens, your sleep light rise early, mom, or your high maintenance group chat, you can find exactly what you're booking for. When I go on vacations with friends, something I must have is a kitchen with a nice big oven and stove top where I can cook mouthwater meals for my friends and loved ones. People who eat together stay together. If we can find our perfect stay on booking.com, anyone can find exactly what you're booking for booking.com booking. Book today on the cider in the app. This podcast brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain and showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. 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Head to squarespace.com/showtrue for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code SoTrue to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Thanks, Squarespace. Folks, this episode is sponsored by TruFrew. And well, where there's hundreds if not thousands of options when you're looking for an exciting new snack to try. TruFrew is the wickedly talented TruFrew. TruFrew is making that choice easier than ever. I actually really love eating these. I can't lie. Yeah, Nicole gave me a little bit of truth serum before the record. Actually. I really, really love eating these. My favorite flavor is probably the frozen strawberries with milk and white chocolate. The wickedly talented true fruit is made with real fruit, real chocolate or yogurt. And you can taste the quality in each bite. You keep them in the freezer to ensure they stay fresh and ready to grab when you want something sweet. True fruit is the ultimate treat that's also made from real ingredients. So it feels like a better dessert option without sacrificing taste. Sacrificing taste. A lot of guys who do podcasts know what that's about. Not this one though. They're perfect for everyday snacking in any occasion. Grab a handful of true fruit when you're watching TV, the classic thing we all do, or maybe when you're winding down at the end of a long day, or putting out on the kitchen table next time you're hosting friends or enemies, and watch the feeding frenzy begin, I always say. Be sure to save a bag for yourself though, trust me. They go fast. So next time you're at the grocery store, be on the lookout for those blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle. Thank you true fruit for sponsoring this episode. (upbeat music) - On the flip of it though, there is a like a time like when I'll be like, I'll be having the worst day. And I'm like, I'm thinking about this kind of situation and then my phone will go off. It's like, you got a message on Grindr from like someone called like a bifart slave. Yeah, and I'm just like, yeah. Yeah, Grindr is a really insidious place. - Yeah, that will like have me thinking. - I'm like, oh. - I feel annoyed. Grindr is, I feel annoyed when people like, try to act like uppity on Grindr. Like they're like, when they act like they're so shocked that people are there for sex. I'm like, this is what this place is. - Yeah, on the flip of it when someone's like, I'm here to find my date. And it's like, no, you're not. - No, you're not. - This is not the place. - Or when people have really inconsistent where their profile is just like a really hot picture of their torso and like the top of their pubes and then their bio is like, looking for real connections, no hookups, I'm like, then put a shirt on. (laughing) Like stop, put a shirt on and show your face then. What are like, pick, you don't get to stop it. Like keep the pub pick in there, but like make it pick three, pick four. - Yeah, sure I can know about your pubes. But like, I love to know about people's pubes. I think we should have a pub, Renaissance, more bush. - Yeah? - Yeah. - I want bush coming off the sides. I want coming out of places it doesn't need to be coming out of. - Yeah. - Wake that up. - Okay. (laughing) - Tee. (laughing) Tee girl, am I spilling, am I spilling with that? - Why'd you low-key spill? - Why are you low-kin-unly spilling on the substitute box? (laughing) - Did you say low-kin-unly? - I'm low-kin-unly spilling right now. - I'm not even gonna touch that shit. I'm too, that's where I will say I'm too old about that. - You don't know low-kin-unly? - No. - No. - I just learned how to start using cracked recently. - This is low. (laughing) - Someone was like, did you get cracked? And I was like, like, low-key, you're learning it as it's like on its way out. Low-key and genuinely low-kin-unly. - Stupid. - Really stupid, but I actually like it. - I do like, I mean, yeah, I love like in a brief. - Yeah. - Low-kin-unly, I'm digging. - I'd explained to someone, what's a portmanteau the other day? - Portmanteau, yes, of course. - Yeah, and someone was like, what is that? And I was like, gay people do it all the time. And the whole example I get to think of was, there was a woman on like my stringed addiction who was addicted to collecting Santa Claus figurines. And she was like, it's like I'm living in a Santa fantasy. A fantasy. And I was like, (laughing) and that has a state of me the whole time. - Yeah, you like something like that. - Low-kin-unly. - Low-kin-unly. - Okay. - Feel free to use that with a young person in your life. - Yeah. - It's not for me. - You're gonna catch me a year from now. I'd be like, it's so low-kin-unly. - I'm low-kin-unly feeling this. - Yeah, you have to stop me. I'm not, yeah, nothing, I don't think that anything necessary sounds cool coming out of my mouth. You know what I mean? Like I think I am cool, but I don't think when I say something like that, it sounds cool. - It stopped me, it made me believe it. - Yeah, yeah. - Nice. - It was a good segue off of me that going onto deep down about bushes. - Yeah, I know, I like your feelings on pures. - I think you're very body-positive. - Thank you. - Yeah, you love all bodies. - I love it all. - It's one of the things we differ on. - What do you mean? - I don't love all bodies. - Which one do you hate the most? - Oh, God, foul ones. (laughing) Oh, God, when I see a fat person, I'm like, "Yuck." - I've heard you do that before, I've seen it. - Hit the Himnastio, Queenie. (laughing) - He's possibly Himnastio, he's possibly. (laughing) - Get your fat ass on the stair master. - Yuck. - I do like all bodies. I know, I will say sometimes when people get too musli, that to me is like, you're a bookshelf now at this point. Like, I don't see them. - You're furniture. - Yeah, but then if it's a little bit like padded muscle, love that. - Yeah. - Outside of that, yeah. I'm like the Walmart greeter of just like. - Do you have any idea how strong I am? - No. - It made me think of it. (laughing) - I've never been asked that before. It might have tired. - Do you wanna come on that slow? - I don't want to. - Hey, Joe, come on. Come on. - That's so far. - Get on there. - Give me some room. - Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming. (laughing) Oh my God, Caleb. - People don't know. He's really strong. - People don't know. I would feel the thighs, but I'd have to get up to really. - I have, wait, I think we're fine. I think we're good. My legs are. - I actually get so strong. I just am lucky and bust by God. In many, many facets. - Oh, oh. - I'm incredible. - I'm incredibly strong. I could lift almost anything. (laughing) - I wanna get that way. I wanna have big arms, and I wanna have big cheaties. - You shouldn't have lost so much weight. - You lost a bunch of weight. - Dead, and you, that's what happened. You don't have the, you don't have the grip anymore. - And now it's like to gain muscle, you have to be able to eat food, and I had weight loss surgery, so it's like you can only eat like a frero or Shay at a time. - That's gonna take me forever. - I know, it was really annoying to hang out with you after your weight loss surgery. - It still does. - No, you've gotten better. - You've gotten better. - You've gotten better and stretched it out. - But right after your weight loss surgery, it was really annoying to get meals with you. - Oh my God. - 'Cause you'd order something. - You'd order something and take one bite and be like, (laughing) Oh God, can we get out of here? (laughing) I was like, God, can you undo it? Go back to Turkey and ask them to expand it. I was like really excited. I remember specifically, we ate at the Vig and Chicago, and I was like, you took like one bite of a meatball and you seriously, okay, to be fair, I was high acid. That doesn't, I was really pissed. I was like, AJ, didn't use to be a little hard to balance it. And also to it, I just like, even now I'm like, I wanna just floor like a dozen dumplings and to be able to have like, only be able to have like three of them, I'm like, this is heartbreaking. It's tough. - Yeah. - I have to eat those dumplings all the rest of the day. It sucks. - Yeah. - I did when I got surgery. I told the guy, the guy that was doing it, loosened, it's done bulls somewhere. I was like, hey, can I also like maybe do like, well if we did a fat transfer, I got like a really huge ass. And he was like, can we do one or the other? Because if you lose weight, you're gonna lose the ass anyway. So just wouldn't make sense. - Yeah. - And I don't have an ass. I want a big ass too. - Yeah, are you squatting? I got a trainer recently and he was like, what's your fitness goal? And I was like, I wanna be able to throw someone so hard I killed them. (laughing) - Joking. - Joking. - Cause I want to lie in the mood. (laughing) - Hey, listen to me take it seriously, we will. You will. - And I was like, oh, it is possible. - I love that. Is he hot? - He kind of seemed hot when you were in the gym. - He's really hot. - Yeah. - He seemed hot when you were in the gym. - Yeah. - We can get you there for like a hot guy being serious. - For him to skip over the fact that I want to murder someone by just shoving them. - Yeah. - I guess go all. - You're gonna get right to the fact of like, he's thinking about the arms. He's thinking about the four. - We do that. - Yeah. - He's like, that's my skill set to get someone to do that. I'm like, have you done it before? Like, that's cool. - That was hot to me. - That is hot. - So I'm gonna try that. We'll see. I don't know. That's crazy. I had no idea you're a bulk like that. - Yeah, I'm incredibly strong. And I love it. I love to be so strong. - Yeah. - I love to, I need to start lifting weights again. 'Cause I miss feeling strong, you know? - No. - You're gonna be just like showing off how strong I am. - Are there any drawbacks to being so strong Caleb? (laughing) - I mean, genuinely. - What's the downside of that? - Yeah, well it's like, it's a giant responsibility. Like I could literally hurt you, or anyone in this room. Like if Nicole, like if Nicole stepped to me right now, and like, she was literally just trying to like, tidy the carpet or something, right? She's trying to like move the cords around. If she stepped to me in a way that accidentally felt aggressive, if Nicole took two steps towards me in an aggressive way, I might accidentally take her to the ground like that, and she would get extremely hurt. 'Cause she's so small and I'm incredibly strong. If Nicole, come take two aggressive steps towards me right now. - Get over here Nicole. - No, don't. - I don't want you to have to get hurt. (laughing) - Oh man, in the room, and you're like, I'm gonna put Nicole in the walls of Jericho. If Nicole, I'm gonna pile a driver in the ground. - I can hurt you in chances, well, but I'm just the biggest case is like, the biggest threat in the room right now is to Nicole, because she's small. - Yeah. - So she, if she stepped towards me in an aggressive way, - We saw it, you're gonna have to figure that out. - I figured that I would react. - Yeah. - And I don't even know what that gesture is. - That's so, you're bending her spine back. - She's stepping to me aggressively to fix the cord. I'm grabbing her. (laughing) - I'm grabbing her. This is on the shoulder, this is on the side of her head. - Yeah. - And I'm taking her down there. - Down to the ground. - I'm putting her down there, and she would get extremely hurt due to the force of my muscles. - Yeah. - That's probably what you would say the downside is. - Such a drawback. (laughing) - 'Cause I don't wanna hurt Nicole. - I'm glad I had to hurt Nicole. - She's sweet girl, she makes the show happen. - Yeah. - But I would put her down. - It's a testosterone going through your body. - I'm very, I have a lot of testosterone, and I'm big and strong and Nicole's so small, and if you ever stepped towards me aggressively, people should just know this. If you even stepped towards me in a way that could be misconstrued, - Yeah, I would put you down. - Doesn't matter what age, what protected traits you are. - I don't care what your, yeah, identity is. I would put a non-binary person through the wall. If they stepped to me in the wrong way. (laughing) The elderly, this is the infirm. - Oh yeah, do you like old people? - Old people, oh I love them. - Like what do you mean? - Oh I love them. - Like, what do you mean what do I mean? - What do you mean love them? - I love old people. - Yeah I know I heard you. - I think they're a fascinating cohort. Would I put them through the wall if they stepped towards me? - Oh yeah, I like hook up with them. - If an old person stepped towards me aggressively, I fear that I would hurt them, yeah. I don't want to, that's just when you're this strong, like that's the risky run. - Yeah, you know? I would need to, like, so sad to see. - If I heard an old person? - I'd watch, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - I hate it. - I saw an old woman fall on the ice the other day. And I. - No, that's horrible. - I pulled my phone out. (laughing) - Set it up. - I watched her slide. She just slide. - I recorded myself going over there to help her. - No, I like, I had to obviously keep it back. (laughing) - Did you actually see an old lady fall? - I did. - I did. - I did, dude. - One time I was walking with a friend through Brooklyn and this woman, she was like, it's really hot. It's not funny, she was my sister and I love her. But this woman came like barreling around the corner. She must have been in like her 40s. She came barreling around the corner. And when I tell you, she came barreling around the corner and she's not old so you don't feel as bad. When she comes barreling around the corner, she like slips on a newspaper or something and she like flies through the air, falls, hits the ground, rolls, hits her out of a city trash can. And then she's like, ah, ah! And I go over and I'm like, I go over and I'm like, oh my God, are you okay? I'm so, that's so scary, I'm so sorry. I'm like helping her up, she's bleeding. She's bleeding, she like scraped her hand really bad. Her hair's all fucked up and she's like, I'm good, I'm good. And I was like, I was like, come here. Let's go get you some water in a band-aid or something. I'm trying to check, no, I'm good, I'm good. You sweet saw, I'm good, I'm good. Call me a sweet saw, which was nice. - Yeah, that's really nice. - I was like, come and get you some band-aids or something. I was like, are you okay? Can I call you an Uber or something? Where do you need to go? And she was like, she was like, I'm good, I'm good. And then she like, limp to way bleeding. - And I never saw her again, but I like spent the rest of the evening like thinking about her. - That's so scary about you. - I'm sorry that she did that to you. - I know, I hate that it happened to you. (laughing) - I actually ruined my evening. - It's about your evening, huh? - When she hit that trash can, I was like, girl. - Oh my God. - I mean, she like, truly was running around the corner, slipped on her newspaper, flew through the air, banged her head on the trash can. - I, well, at least you tried to help her. I, I saw that old woman fall and I know, like, I know exactly what it looked like trying to help someone, like, you know when people are already helping, like, I wanna go over there and just be like, oh my God, you know, someone's already helping her. - I'm not even bending my knees. - How old was she? - I'm just kind of like, at the way. It's like, oh. - How old was the woman? - I don't care. - And she was just, you know, right now. You know, old enough to visibly be like, that's an old person. And you know, old people fall a certain way. - Yeah. - They fall a very child. - They don't like fall, like, they fall fully flat back. - Yeah. - You know, there's no, 'cause like, they're not limber and loose. - Yeah. - It's just fully flat and that's how I could tell. - That's why you had to do yoga. - I know. - You have to do yoga too. You have to be doing yoga. I'm doing yoga three or four times a day. - Really? Right, are you doing it right now? - Oh, yeah. - This is yoga. I will be limber at an old age. When I fall, it will be beautiful. You're gonna fall into the splits. - Yes. - Now really do you think she broke anything or was hurt? - Probably. - I think so. - Hey. - I think so. I'm serious. - I don't know. - Oh, for there? - There was three people already over there. If I go, if I go over there, people are gonna know I'm faking out. - Yeah. - People know I'm like, my heart wasn't in it. If it happened closer, if I was first on the scene, it would be different. I'm walking, I'm crossing the street to three other people. What am I gonna do? Kind of like hold my arms like this. - My heart wasn't in it. - Like, there was nothing to do. Someone's already on the phone calling. Someone's already holding her. What am I gonna do? - Awful. - Holding her. Someone's scooping the fragments of her skull that got back together. - Someone's already on the phone calling. - Someone's holding her. - Where do I fit in? - Yeah. - And my bus is like, it's coming. The bus coming. - I don't wanna miss my bus. - It's 10 minutes. - Well, two rungs will make it right. - Yeah. - The time is my bus and she fell down. Nothing got bad. - It's a loose loose. - Someone should be winning out of here. And it should be me. - Yeah. - Anyway, sorry to her, sorry to her family. R.I.P. to the diva. - To the diva. - To the diva. - R.I.P. to a doll. - Yeah. - Locke and evenly loved her down. - Locke and we lost the doll. - We lost, yeah. - We did not protect the dolls. - No. - God need an angel that day. A really old angel. And he needed it in a bad way. That kind of was really sad to see. - Oh, A.J., that's horrible. - That's horrible. - I know. - I'm starving right now. - I know, I'm so hungry. - We have sushi on the way, but it can't come as quick enough. - No. - I'm just hungry as can be. - I know. - Hungry under caterpillar. - Mm-hmm. - I can eat a leaf right now. - Yeah, you have to bulk up. It's a strength. That's the muscles. You have to beat the shit out of Nicole after this. (laughing) - Nicole, Nicole's bringing the sushi over. (laughing) Put her on the ground. - I ain't able to leave if that tuna bowl comes at me in an aggressive way. If she were to step at me with the tuna bowl in a way that I wasn't clear on what was happening, I would hurt her and I would never want to hurt Nicole. - Had she been in a fight? - A sweet girl. Oh, yeah. - Really? - Oh, yeah. - Did you win? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - She was quite a bit older. (laughing) - She was quite a bit older this moment. - Okay. - But she stepped towards me in an aggressive manner and I put her to the ground. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I've never, wow, I didn't know that about you. - Yeah. - This is all fresh to me. - What else do you wanna know? (laughing) - Ask me anything. - Hmm. - Why don't you ask me something for once? I'm tired of interviewing you. - I just asked you if you thought someone, you said, yeah, aggressive steps, push the ground, you hit another woman. - We got that. - What's your middle name? - Jeric. - Yeah, Austin. Austin Jeric. - Andrew Jeric. - Austin Jeric. - American. - American. - Oh my god, yeah. - Austin Jeric, American. - Yep, all American. - Madokin. - Yeah, Madokin. - Yeah, you didn't like it. Sometimes people say my last name, they say it like with a flourish. - Like Madokin. - And I'm like, what are you saying? - Yeah, that's tough. - Like show host. - Like you have like cast and ads no one can see. Just say it normal. - Yeah. Well, they're trying to be respectful of your culture. - Daniel. - Okay. - Caleb Daniel. - That's a hot name. Caleb means bold. - You wanna get the other one? (laughing) - For your coward. Caleb means bold. Daniel means my grandpa. - Uh huh. - Your grandpa's name? - My grandpa. - Bold grandpa. - Caleb Daniel. - My, I don't know what Andrew or Jeric means. It's not my business. - Jeric is extremely white guy from Kansas business. - It is. - That's a very white guy from Kansas business. I don't know what your mom was thinking. - Well, she's a white woman from Kansas. So that was a problem. - There he is. - That your dad didn't get involved? - I think he had some say. I think he was like, oh well, yeah. They had some say about like Andrew. His middle name's Andrew. But is this, is this, is that anything? Who cares? - Your dad is so gay. My dad is not gay. My dad just appreciates the finer thing. (laughing) He does. He's like, it's such, it's so fine to see him be like, so I would have friends come over and he'd be like, Orlando, have you ever had a friend whose dad has shoes imported from Italy? Let me show you this closet. He like shows off his shoes. He was like, have you ever seen a guy who has 11 Rolexes and pulls out like 11 Rolexes? He's just a very like kind of like, Guido Scarfacey type of guy. - Yeah, that's cute. - It's adorable. Like I just posted a picture on my story the other day, picking up his shirt from the cleaners and it was just a silk Scarface shirt. And all the buttons on it were guns. Like just chrome guns. And like the lady at the cleaner's hand it to me and I was like, it was heavy because of the gun buttons. And I'm like, that's something that he likes to wear. (laughing) - Hey, he likes that shirt. I don't know, let's clean it up. That's really sweet. - How often are you back in Kansas? - Like once a year. What about you? You have a house. - You're not getting me to get a house in Kansas City and you're hardly ever there. - I still think you should. It's not about me being there. It's a great investment. I want you to put down roots. I'm tired of seeing you on the run. I'm glad though, I will say I'm very, very glad that you've put down some roots in New York. It's making me very happy. AJM series, when you told me you were getting a place, 'cause what the listeners might not know is that for a number of years, you had no home. You were bouncing around the world. Every time I checked in with you, you'd be doing a new, and it's very fabulous and chic. But I worried about your heart and soul. And when I found out you were getting a lease in New York, I'm not kidding, when you told me that later on that day, I just sat like this and went, that makes me so happy. I just like to see you have some stability. - Yuck, 'cause I worry about you. - Yeah. - You were happy when I was no longer unhoused, 'cause you were saying. - Yeah, I don't like you being a runabout and a vagrant. - Yeah, and I always felt that from you. - Yeah. - I'm glad to be here too. I love being in New York. - What's your favorite thing about New York City? - Everyone here is really hot, even when they don't need to be. I know we keep coming back to this. I'm always just like everyone's hot, but they are like every single person, like the ugliest person is like even still, they can get it. - Because they're in New York. - They're in New York. - Yeah. - And then what else? - Also, everything is hot in New York. - Food here is so good. - The food is amazing. - Yeah. - But everything is hot in New York because about people because it's like, if you're dressed really fashionably and uncomfortable looking, that's incredibly difficult to do. Like I know you probably walked two miles in those shoes. So I'm like, that's hot. Or if you're wearing like. Like, when a really hot guy in New York wears like jeans and running shoes, like really practical, I'm like, oh my God. I need you so bad. Like I love, I just, everything is hot in New York. I don't know why. It really is. I, yeah, I can't get enough of it so far. And then, again, going back to food, I am just fucking it up. Yeah. I mean, you know, I'm in two or three bites a day. (laughing) Oh man, you're putting away one on two spoonfuls of something. Oh yeah, and they're good. Yeah, and they're good spoonfuls. Yeah, and you're just feeling this full as you've ever felt. How am I going to be staying in New York? New York? Yeah. What do you mean? You can be here for a while. Like, this trip? Just in general. Like, how long will I have all these like, a place here? Up around, quite a bit too. I move around. Not an unhoused way. But I'm not running from anything. And you know that. Yeah. What are you running towards Caleb? What am I running towards? Happiness, joy, excitement, bigger muscles. Mm-hmm. Good meals, time with friends, seeing the world, concerts, essay books, I love an essay. You know what? I've become way more of a reader in the last like, three years. There's a period there of my adult life where I really was not reading and it's a humiliating dark chapter in my life. A chapter? A chapter? A chapter? Yeah. Covered a cover, baby. Are you like a nonfiction person? Are you doing like the fairy sex book stuff, fantasy stuff? Never. Unfortunately, I can't access whatever those people are accessing. It is crazy. I'm reading. Yeah, I'm reading most of the nonfiction right now. I'm working, um, work won't love you back. It's a book about like the origins of like work and labor and who gets paid for what and why. Uh, it's pretty good. It's a little dense. Um, it's about my level. I, there's a book called All Things Are Too Small that I Loved Last Years, a really good essay book on like, Maximalism and Minimalism. Um, I just finished another David Sidaris book. I love him. He only annoys me half the time. See, that's good. David Sidaris. Half the time, I think he's brilliant. Half the time, I find him so annoying. I say that with like deep gay guy reverence. Yeah. Like David Sidaris to me is an icon. Yeah. And sometimes he'll do like a little bit of like a conservative older gay guy thing where he's like, I don't want to be queer. I just want to be gay. And it's like shut up. But then he'll describe an interaction at the supermarket that I'm like, you're one of our most brilliant minds. Yeah. Absolutely. I think that's also important to have with anybody. You want to be kind of like half annoyed with them. I like problematic figures. I like, I love part of the reason I loved green Adonis because she was always saying something she had no business saying. Oh yeah. And I think that's amazing. That's what our public figures are supposed to be. I love green. I don't do enough of it. I play it too safe. If anything, I need to push more into that territory. Oh. I don't know. Yeah. No, I think you do a good job of it. Okay. Yeah. You're someone's half annoying gay guy. I'm sure. Oh, I'm most people's people. I'm most people's half annoying gay guy. Yeah. That's what kind of bothers me sometimes when people think I don't know that I'm annoying. You think I don't know? Oh, you know. I know. You know how to turn on it. You know how to direct it. That's good. I like to be able to annoying. You know what I don't do? And I wonder if you how often you think you do this because you and I have a similar skill. You and I both have the absolute power to undo somebody. I feel like we could both see someone, meet someone and figure out exactly what would bring them apart. How to insult them to their core. Yeah. I do not use it. No. It's always there though. It's there. And I know I can do it because I've done it in extreme circumstances when I've been in cornered like a rat and needed to chew my way out. But the skill is there. Do you remember the last time you used it? Probably accidentally after like a fourth martini like two weeks ago. Nice. Yeah. That's when it starts unlocking for me. I'm like, Oh, I could be so mean right now. Or also like someone like elbow checks me and I don't like that at that point. I get like really heated. Yeah. Or on the road. Terrible road rage. Yeah. I get so mad in my drive. I want everyone to die. I get mad walking a lot. Yeah. It's a pretty clear system. Yeah. That people cannot figure out. Yeah. There's traffic lanes. Yes. Also walk with purpose. If you need to do this, pull over bitch. Oh, my God. Find a fucking outlet. The stairs up into the train. Someone starts rearranging their bag. Mid step. I'll kill us both. I'll take us both down the stairs. I'm grabbing them. I'm putting them down. I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm like, you're going to be right there. I get so mad. I get so much rage in their bag. You jump up and grab them and just fall back. Yeah. Right. They go. It pisses me off to no end. I don't like it. People have got to learn how to walk. Or God forbid, you're walking someone's stepside. This is one of my biggest pet peeves in New York, any major city. When you are stepping out of a building onto a busy street that has two lanes of traffic, the right side is for walking that way and the left that way. When you are stepping out into a traffic lane, you need to immediately match the pace of the people walking, or you need to step out and step off. People who walk out of a store and just kind of start looking around. Kill yourself. Check that phone before you leave the fucking restaurant. I cannot stand it. Figure out the direction you're going before you step outside. People having that, like, I love this city moment. Great. Do it fucking elsewhere. It's pissing me off. Love it on a side street. Get away from here. Love it on a one way street. I love that we think about as traffic because I really do. I can visualize myself like I'm in a mini vehicle. Yes. I'm merging into this walking lane. Yeah. And I hate to when people take up too much spots on the sidewalk and you have to kind of do that thing. I have to like start like doing like a half jog to get around them. So when a group of friends is like five abreast on a sidewalk having their fucking girl's moment, Shoshana and Marnie need to fucking line up and pull them behind you. Take it out. Stop. You can't walk for a breast on a public sidewalk. Move into line and start, you know, but then I understand that it's there's no, there's no my life. There's just capital L life and I'm just a player in it. It's helpful. It's not all about me. Look, you reach like a new solution. No, this is what it is. No, I get so frustrated by things. And then I get frustrated for like a minute and 15 seconds and then I go, that doesn't matter. And it's not your, you're not the king. Yeah. You know, if I were king of the world, I'll water would be Dr. Pepper, but I'm not oh, my God. Yes. And we need that. There wouldn't be water. There would not be water. It's just be Dr. Pepper. I fucking hate water. This is all ever clear. Oh, wait, is water a sponsor of the show? I love water. It's so good to know what the compound of water sponsors the show. No, no, water's good. It's fine. Yeah, it's important. Yeah. Should it be darker? Should it be carbonated? Should that have sugar? Should have. For sure. Of course it should. Absolutely. Of course it should. Absolutely. AJ, what's so true to you? Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, a lot of things. Oh, my God. You didn't prepare. I did. I did. I did. So true to me. I did. I did. People should be really generous with their close friend stories in terms of who they allow on their close friends. Oh. Specifically me. AJ. No, bye. What? I couldn't be more detailed than that. Also, too. No, I like that. I was just going along. Okay. Do you agree? What? No. What do you mean? What do you mean that you should just be on everyone's close friend story? I think a lot of people should add me their close friend story. Yeah. With the caveat of this, and it's another part of this so true is don't use your close friend story to post shit that is like. I don't know. I make it juicy. Make it good. Show your butt hole a little bit. I do this. You do a great job. My close friends is not interesting. You don't have to lie. It is. It is industry industry. I don't know. It is interesting. No, it's like very like you get a little bit of insight into who you are. But like I have people who will put me on close friends like, hey, the stuff that's going on, you know, in the news right now kind of sucks. Girl, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Like show me that V. Also, why couldn't that be posted on main? Exactly. I don't know what people post things on close that so clearly belongs to me. Like they'll post something like that that they're like, everything's crazy right now. Hope we're all doing well. I'm like, you can post that to me. What do you have going on that that can't be on main? Also, just like get it there. It's like, don't do that here with me. Like, give me some juicy gossip. A picture that is like really inappropriate or, yeah, that's really it. If you want to look up porn, you're totally allowed to. I am seeing porn every day, whether I like it or not. Yeah. I'm a gaming on Twitter. You're on Twitter? On X. You're on X. I love it. Really? I love it. I'm watching. I'm just seeing everyone's like discourse about like stupid shit. It's so funny. You might be the only person I know who's on X. I'm on Snapchat. Are you? I am on Snapchat. You're on Snapchat? Yeah, me diverting from X. You're like, there's something worse. I am on Snapchat. I didn't know that about you. Yeah. It's so good. I'm like, the little story. It's like, this woman paid $11 million. It's like a polar bear. And I watched that shit down. It had to tap through it for like almost half an hour. I can't believe you're on X and Snapchat. I am. I'm on Truth Social. I'm on Blue Sky. I'm posting. Yeah. I'm an influencer on Blue Sky. But yeah, that's why I feel about close friends. Yeah. There's something juicy. I agree. Sometimes gay guy close friends is so difficult because it's like, gay guy close friends is two things. Gay guy close friends is either nude and it's sometimes nude you want to see and sometimes nude you don't. Sometimes you get added to a gay guy close friends that you're like, whoa, I. I've never seen you naked before and now I have and am I supposed to be wanting to fuck you? Like, what is the idea? Yeah. That's exciting. Then another thing I've noticed about gay guy close friends is that they're like criticizing pop albums. Stop. It's like, you can criticize that pop album on main. They're like, they're like, they're being like, oh, not her best work. And it's like, you're not. Yeah. Post that on main. That doesn't need to be on close. They're like, oh, she thought she shit and the mother toilet didn't wash her hands and she did it. And it's like, you can say that literally anywhere. Yeah. You don't have to say that. So the fact that you thought that I wanted to be included in that with you could not be more wrong. Gay guy close friends is a very nefarious space. But when someone has a delete this gift and it's like over them like showing like a weiner neck. Yeah. I'm here for that. Yeah, for sure. Let me stick around. Weiner neck. Weiner neck. Like the base of the weiner. All right. I think a sponsor of the show. Water and weiner neck. Weiner neck really upset me and I'm not kidding. Hi. - I saw it in your face. - I don't know why you said that. - It's like really exciting. - You know what I'm talking about, the shoulder? - I don't know why you use a wiener neck. - All right, are you ready? - Yeah. - I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. - No. - If you get 10 or more correct, AJ, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars. - Really? - From water. - Oh fuck, let's say. Water response to you in the segment. Okay, you ready? We are open by the way. I just wanna tell any sponsors listening. We are open to selling the segment for a lot of money. If anyone wants to sponsor this segment, go ahead and reach out to Wave, thank you. You ready? - Let's do it. - Gwyneth Paltrow is an only child. - Yes, false, one brother. The band The Who was formed in Australia? - Yes, false, England. Garden City, Kansas has sister cities in Italy and Costa Rica. - Yes, true. Florida is the closest US state to Africa. - True. - False, it's main. - Batch are the only mammals that can fly. - True, true. An RPO in football stands for run-powered offense. - Yes, false run pass option. - Matt TV ran for 15 seasons. - False, true. Zero is an even number. - No. - True. - Google. - Google was originally called back rob. - What? - Back rob? - False. - True. Lightning never strikes the same place twice. False. - False. Charlie XCX's middle name is Emma. - True. - True. - True. - A standard game of bowling consists of 12 frames. False, it's 10. Subway is older than Jersey mics. Subway? - Is older than Jersey mics. - True, false. Snakes have eyelids. False, false. Dwight D. Eisenhower's born in Kansas. - True. - False, born in Texas, raised in Kansas. How do you do? - A strong six. - Is that like the worst we've had in a really long time? - That's so crazy to ask about zero being an even number. That actually pissed me off. - That's the one that got you. - That really made me upset. - That's the one that I got right. It was Charlie's, it being Emma. (laughing) Which is the one that got named. - Yeah, Charlie, Emma, XCX, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I hated that. - I don't write the questions. - Who does? - Nicole. - To the ground. - To the ground. - No, it's a chance, chance does it. I used to do it when you had to fight a man. - You're not gonna fight one. - No, I would never fight a man. I have so much respect for men. Women on the other hand. - I know. - You know, your misogyny is pretty pronounced. Why do you have such a problem with women? - I love women. - Oh. - Yeah, don't put that on me. - Oh, fuck. - I was actually thinking to say, I don't listen to any music by men. - What's so ever? - You're a pick me. - I know. (laughing) - Drake. - How, oh. - I know, I know, stop. - I listen to a lot of Eminem. - Not kidding. - All right. - Wait, wait, wait, especially. I've been listening to a lot of Eminem. - Yeah, we can tell by how you talk about throwing Nicole to the ground. - If she stepped towards me aggressively. - I know. - And I didn't know, if I didn't see the sushi, I would put her to the ground. Nicole has been, I wish my everyone can't see. Nicole has been watching me do this every time like this. (laughing) She has one finger over her mouth just smiling. - I listen to Eminem. No one blinks. - She doesn't think I'll put her on the ground. Do you want to tell people where they can find you? - Yeah, no longer on the streets. I'm in an apartment now. You can find me on Instagram at AJ Deluxe. - I love you. - I love you so much. - Thanks for doing it, honey. I'm gonna get the other arm just to be safe. - Yeah, get me in there. - It's Christ. - We'll get the thighs off camera. - The thighs off camera. - But you need to know about the thighs. Have you guys felt my muscles? - Yes. - Nicole, do you want to grab my thigh later? - You want to do it Nicole's a trick. - Nicole, are actually, am I allowed to talk like this and people say that? (laughing) - It's Nicole's exhibit. (laughing) - It's gonna be in a courtroom someday. All right, we did it.