AEE 2446: Why You Shouldn’t Be a One-upper

This is an All-Ears English Podcast episode 2446. Why, you shouldn't be a one-upper. Welcome to the All-Ears English Podcast downloaded more than 200 million times. Are you feeling stuck with your English? We'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection, not perfection. With your American host, Michelle Kaplan, the New York Radio Girl, and Aubrey Carter, the Isles Wiz, coming to you from Arizona and New York City, USA. And to get your transcript delivered by email every week, go to allhearsenglish.com/subscribe. What is one-upping? And why shouldn't you do it? Today, you'll learn common ways people one-up each other, and why you should avoid it to build connection in English. Are you still translating from your native language into English in your head? Are you always getting confused between the different grammar tenses? Let's figure out what you need to work on. Find your current English level with our five-minute quiz at allhearsenglish.com/fluencyscore. Hey, Aubrey, how are you? I'm great. How are you, Michelle? I'm good. Thanks. I'm so glad to be talking with you today. And do you have a question for me, Aubrey? Sure. I am curious if you know anyone who is a one-upper. I nut anybody that comes to mind specifically. I guess everybody has their moments, but how about you? Yeah, that's a good point, right? We all find ourselves doing this every now and then maybe accidentally, but every now and then we meet someone who really is a one-upper. I met someone last a couple weeks ago. I took a neighbor to dinner that I didn't know well. And she was a one-upper. The epitome of a one-upper, more than anyone I've ever met. And she would even sort of announce she was going to do it with these phrases, I should say, I can top that and should share mostly about her grandkids. 'Cause she was proud of them, she wanted to share about them. But it was really interesting to hear and really kind of hurt the connection. It because it didn't feel good for anybody who she was one-upping. And this came up recently in an episode Lindsay and I were recording. I'm like, let's do a whole episode about the ways people went up, the phrases we use and why this can really hurt a connection. Absolutely, okay, this is a really fun topic. So yeah, one-upper, I mean, Aubrey, tell us a little bit more. Yeah, this is, so we use this as a noun to describe a person. A one-upper tries to outdo or overshadow others by having a better story, or a better experience, or achievement. And the phrases often, it'll come up in casual conversation, usually pretty subtly to shift the attention back to themselves. Or especially, I think this happens even more often. When you're proud of someone else bragging about someone else, if you're not talking about yourself, you sort of don't realize you're one-upping sometimes. Interesting, yeah. So let's talk about some of the phrases that you might hear if somebody is being a one-upper. So you already mentioned this one. I can top that, right? Yeah, or I can do you one better. I order to say this and I remember growing up, I would hear this one, this might be sort of regional colloquial for the West. I can do you one better. It sounds sort of slaying and informal. But we'll also, you know, someone might say like, you think that's scary one time and then share a bigger exchange. Yeah, yeah. Or you ain't seen nothing yet. This I imagine is you're doing some sort of competition. Maybe you're playing a game or you're in a talent show or something like that. And you're letting them know that you are going to do a better job exactly. So today we're going to share sort of the three main ways this happens. Three main ways people try to one-up someone else who's that as a verb that way too, right? We say we one-up other people. So the first way is comparing experiences. So for example, that's nothing. You should have seen what I did. Yeah, and maybe, oh yeah, I've done that. But even more impressive, right? And then you're going to launch into the story that was similar. But you're trying to outdo them exactly. Or I had it way worse or way better when that happened to me. Yeah, it's interesting. Sometimes we're one-uping in a way of saying something was good. But sometimes people want to be in competition for how bad something is. Yes, I feel like that's even more common. Yeah, I'm so busy and so tired. Yeah, absolutely, or like if you're in a car accident and you share the story, you may have someone say like, you could, you know, that does sound terrible, but you can't believe the accident I was in last year. Exactly. Or you could say that reminds me of the time I and then you launch into a bigger story. Yeah, and this one's more subtle, right? Because often someone will tell a story and we'll transition, we'll share something about ourselves, so we might not even notice we're doing it. If we then share a very similar story that was a little more impressive or a little scarier, that also is one-uping. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or when I went there, it was way more intense. So maybe there was, maybe you were going to the Grand Canyon and the heat was, it was really hot and then you say, well, when I went there, it was actually 110 degrees. Right? Exactly. Right? So let's talk briefly about this, like when you're comparing experiences, how does this hurt the connection and really what should we be doing instead? Because we often talk about, yes, connect, you know, share what you have in common, share about common experiences, but this is sort of a subtle way that does that. That hurts the connection. It doesn't feel good to have someone one up you. It really undermines your experience. Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. You don't want to make somebody, because it feels like you're not hearing the person. It feels like you're just excited to tell your story and you're always in competition. And that feels very childish to me. I mean, my son is always like, now, oh, I'm older than this person or I'm this. And that's, yeah, he's six, right? But you don't want to do that as adults. Exactly. It's fascinating how often this still happens as adults and, and the person talking doesn't even realize they're doing it, right? You really don't even notice until someone does it to you and it feels like you said, Michelle, do you feel like they're not listening or they don't care or they're wanting, it's just sort of brag about something about themselves. So this really hurts the connection because you leave with this feeling of they don't really care to connect with me. They only care to tell me what they have done. That's impressive. It's pretty common. And I think it's really important to watch out for in conversations, but here's what's tricky. You do want to connect over common experiences. If you have traveled to the same place or had a similar experience, you, you will want to share that. So how would we do that in a different way? That's not one uping. What do you think, Michelle? Um, is this number two or are we talking about, no, just kind of like we don't, just in general, just my idea. I think just saying, um, you know, I, um, yeah, I think commenting more on their situation is good saying like, oh, yeah, wow, that's, that's incredible. I also had this experience and that I just want to share, right? Just making sure that you really comment and give that person the attention that they deserve with what they say. Yes. Exactly. I think that's exactly right, right? Just follow up questions and comment on what they did and express that you're impressed that it's amazing, right? The trick, I think, is to not immediately pivot to something about yourself, right? We talk about exactly monster. You don't want to immediately pull attention back to yourself. And the way you do that is to ask follow up questions, ask them more about what happened to them and their experience. And the only way to do that really is to actually care. If you really care about the connection with the person, you're going to want to know more details. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I think that's a really good point. Not pivoting immediately to yourself, giving that person the time in the space, that's going to keep the connection. Guys, before we move on to the next way of bragging, so we want to remind you that Lindsay is actually coming back. I don't think we said that. So we want to let you know that we, Aubrey and I are recording together and we're happy to be together, but we're also letting know that Lindsay will be back in the next couple episodes. So we're excited for her to come back as well. Yes. Absolutely. Never fear. It's always fun when we get to join each other about Lindsay. We'll be back next week. That's right. All right. Let's jump into number two, which is subtle bragging. So we might use phrases like not to brag, but and then we launched into, you know, bragging about ourselves. And so this is assuming as well that someone else has shared maybe an achievement and an accomplishment and then we're immediately pivoting to ourselves to one up what they have done or it's funny. People always say, I'm the best at that. That's, that's to me. That doesn't sound too subtle to me. No, this is a little less subtle, right? Yeah. A little less subtle. This is interesting. If someone shares something they did well, this is interesting to think about too because if someone shares with you an achievement and accomplishment, they already might feel a little awkward about that. They're excited to share with you this exciting thing for them. But they're probably a little worried that they sound like they're bragging. Yeah. And so this, I think it's going to be even more important for you to show that you care that you're happy for them, that you're excited for them. I think the worst thing you could do would be to immediately one up them like, oh, I got a similar award a couple of years ago, and then especially if you're sharing how it was actually even better. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Or I didn't even study and still got the stop score. Oh, that's annoying. That's the worst, right? You're sharing you're excited about your exam results. And then someone's like, oh, I got a better score and I didn't even study. Imagine. Yeah. Or everyone always comes to meet for help with that. So saying that you're the best one for the job, maybe not this person, right? And that's not how they can be good for connection. Exactly. If someone is sharing that they have knowledge about something or a particular skill instead of like celebrating that with them and sharing that you're excited, you think that's awesome. If you instead share that, you also know a lot about that or people often ask you about that. It's similar, right? It's going to hurt the connection because the person you're talking to will feel like you don't really care about this connection. Yeah. Yeah. Should we go into the third wave? Yes. Let's do it. Status boosting. Ooh. So what is that, Aubrey? Yeah. This is interesting. So this one I feel like is often a little more subtle. Yeah. And for example, you're sharing that you love a restaurant, right? You love the menu at a restaurant and someone's like, oh, actually know the owner. Then it's interesting. This is kind of a subtle way to give yourself more status. Yeah. And it's hard because maybe you are truly excited about that. I mean, and you should share things in your life. So it's, it's, it's hard. Yeah. It is really tricky. I mean, I think if you're not doing it all the time, right? If you're not known for always saying, oh, I know this one. I know that one. Or this next example is we stayed at the private villa, not the regular resort. So listen, I think it's okay to share pieces of your life. But I think that like, like even if something special is happening, you know someone, right? But if you become known for this, I think that's where the issue is, right? It's, it's what the is the intent, right? If your intent is to connect, we talked about, we talked about this a lot here. And to get to know people, then it's even if you do share something, sure, oh, I know the owner. That's awesome, right? It doesn't feel like you're doing it in order to impress in order to boost your status. This second one. If someone's sharing that they traveled somewhere and they went to this resort and then you share, oh, we had a private villa there instead of the regular resort. You can see how this immediately takes the wind out of their sales. This is a fun idiom. Like sort of deflates their excitement for what they were sharing with you. If you're sharing, oh, I did something similar, but better. Yes. Yes. Exactly. So what's another thing? Yeah. And then the last one here, if you're sharing maybe that you read a book that you're excited about. And instead of, you know, asking follow up questions and sharing your excitement, someone says, like, oh, yeah, I read that book when I was younger twice, actually. They're just, it's really all about, are you immediately pulling attention back to yourself? Or are you trying to deepen the connection by finding out more about your friend by asking follow up questions? Exactly. Or yeah, I've had that or I've known about that for a year. Is it saying, you know, if somebody tells you they just found out about something and then you're just, you just kind of, yeah, again, you take the wind out of their sales. It's like, oh, yeah, I already knew that whatever, you know. Yeah. I've definitely had this happen to me. I'll share with someone either about a TV show or maybe a product I found on Amazon. I'm super excited about it. And if they're like, oh, I've known about that for years, you're immediately just for like small, right? Yeah. Yeah. I was so excited. I thought it was new. But I have also had the experience where someone, I share it. They already know about it, but they still instead will respond like, yes, it's amazing. I tried it. It's so cool. And they share in your excitement. Yeah. So a lot of it's the tone. It's the words we're using instead of highlighting that we've done something bigger or better or new about something longer instead. We're just highlighting the shared excitement or the shared experience. Right. Right. Exactly. Good point. Alright, let's do a roleplay here. We're going to show two different ways. The first is with one upping. This is the less effective version and then we'll show the same roleplay better, right? What it would look like without one upping. You want to start us out? Here we go. Alright. You won't believe the week I just had. I was in Sacramento for a design conference. They really wind and dined us. Fancy dinners every night. Oh, I can top that. I went to a conference in Vegas last month and they flew in main lobster for the welcome dinner. Wow. Okay. Fancy. I was on a panel. I was nervous, but I feel like I went pretty well. Nice job. The last time I was on a panel, the head of a big agency pulled me a side after and asked me to freelance on a global rebrand. It was amazing. Wow. I love what makes me want to vomit. They're so painful. They're so painful. It's fascinating and it's interesting because there's nothing wrong with sharing this information about yourself, but it's how it's done to immediately pull attention to yourself to immediately pivot without asking any follow-up questions feels so harmful for the connection. It feels very rude. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. That is. Let's share a better option, Michelle. Let's share the better version. That one may be. Feel it. I should go. Okay. I went to Sacramento for a design conference. That sounds amazing. What kind of dinners did they treat you to? Oh, all kinds. One night was farm to table. Another was this really upscale Italian place. Oh, and I was on a panel too. I was nervous, but I feel like it went pretty well. That is awesome. Congrats. What was the panel about? Oh, well, it was about sustainable branding. How to keep a strong visual identity while being environmentally conscious. The audience had some great questions. Oh, that's such a relevant topic right now. What did you prepare for it? Oh, lots of practice and some late nights, tweaking slides. Honestly, it paid off. It felt great once I was up there. I bet. Do you think you'd do more speaking events like that in the future? Okay. Oh, this is so much better. It's really interesting. A few things to look at here. First of all, this is about you. You've had this exciting, interesting experience. I care about the connection with you. I'm not saying anything about myself. I'm just wanting more details. I'm interested in what a different feeling, what a different tone. After this conversation, our connection would be deeper. Right. Exactly. Exactly. You were just asking me questions. Now, if you did want to throw in because it's fair, I mean, if you want to share your experience as well, it's not saying you can't just give that person that time and then maybe you would say, if I said, if we extended this and you said, do you think you'd do more speaking events in the future? I might say, oh, I don't know. Maybe I, here is where I think now the responsibility shifts to me a little bit because you just listened to me. You were kind. And then I could say something like, oh, do you ever do speaking for work or when is the last time I have you had any work conferences lately, right? So I think kind of that, once you've given me that time and space, it's nice to also the other person take some responsibility and say, okay, like I've had my moment in the sun, maybe it's absolutely right. That's often how a conversation like this would go instead of immediately pivoting to myself. I'm asking you, I'm interested, want details. And then I agree there, you could bring me in and ask, you know, oh, what about you? You're going to ask something about similar experiences or how's work going lately? Something broader and more open, absolutely, to like give me the opportunity to then share about myself. Yeah. Awesome. Oh my gosh. I love this. Take away for today. Would you say? Yeah. One upping, I think, is a sure fire way to kill connection. We feel I love how you said I felt icky after these conversations where someone's one upping, nobody feels good or maybe some people aren't aware they're one upping, but the person who is being outdone doesn't feel good. They don't feel like the person really cares about them or is really interested in them. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So this is really, really helpful, that's going to not break that connection, that's going to make people feel heard and want to connect with you more. So that's good. Aubrey, do we want to let our listeners know about another episode? Oh, yes. So there's a recent episode, allers English 2442, that Lindsay and I recorded, avoid the wall of formality with this future grammar. This is similar, like this often, it's your grammar that can help you build connection, remove that formality that sort of creates the coldness between you. Hmm, so interesting. All right, Aubrey, well this was fun, thanks for chatting about this with us today, and guys, thank you so much for listening. Yes, and avoid being a one-upper. That's right. That's right. I thought that couldn't have. All right, thanks Michelle. All right, bye, Aubrey. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening to All Ears English. 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