Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Squirp Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, Adolescence, Lessons for Raising Boys, I want to respond specifically to the four-part drama series Adolescence, which has been showing on Netflix. And you will have seen, either you've watched it or you've watched it and you've also seen the commentary in the news, it is everywhere. And it's raised some really important societal issues, some real issues for government, it's raised issues for us as parents in terms of raising boys. And obviously, one episode isn't going to do it the full service that it really needs. But I wanted to respond quickly to parents because the messages that I'm getting at school talks and through my inbox is, what the hell do I do now? How do I take what I know now, having seen Adolescence and or maybe having watched it with your children and now do something constructive as a parent? So, this episode is for you and this is hopefully meant to be super practical, but won't be the last of it. Now, I think it's probably helpful to start by explaining some terms, two particular terms, which came up within the drama itself, Adolescence, and the issues that it specifically raises. Because we've heard about this idea of misogyny, it's sort of been around for quite some time in the press. But for me, I'll be brutally honest, this incel and incel culture was something completely new to me. So, let's just kind of define them as such, give you a little bit of information to hang that on. So, misogyny, in essence, is the hatred of or contempt or prejudice, however we want, or discrimination against women or girls. And it's often sort of seen and portrayed and plays out in the form of sexism that kind of reinforces a patriarchal social structures in terms of male being dominant, female being subordinate. So, that's this idea about misogyny and that comes up, it's a recurring thing that comes up within adolescence. And then there is this incel culture. Now, it's a term that is an abbreviation of a term that just means sort of involuntarily celibate. And it's people who often male, mostly white, who are heterosexual, who define themselves as being unable to find a romantic or a sexual partner, despite desiring one. And this is the crucial piece here is that they blame, women. They objectify, they denigrate young women and girls as a result. And so, there's a lot of hatred within that, which then feeds back to this idea about this misogyny. So, that, it's just worth being aware of these, because having heard the term incel in adolescence, I've been watching a completely unrelated comedy series. And this comedy series is sort of family-esque in terms of its nature. It's meant to be one of those sort of series that you watch when you're a teenager, you watch potentially together as a family. And one of the characters then makes a comment to her brother and calls him an incel. So, I find it was just very interesting for me. Now, I've got that knowledge, misogyny, I knew already, but incel, I didn't. And now with that knowledge, I'm aware and I'm able to pick that up. Now, my children aren't living at home anymore, but if they were living at home and we were watching that program together, with that knowledge, I've now got a power, not from a power hungry, but power to begin to have conversations. I've noticed that they've used this. Do you know what it means? So, let's dive in to some practical pieces, but I want to just start with a bit of a landscape, because I think it's really important that we understand the landscape that young boys, young men are facing. And I say this because this episode is not just for parents of boys. If you have got two daughters, this episode is for you just as much as it is for the parent that's got sons, or for parents that have got one of each or two of each or a combination. Because I think it's really important. It's a societal issue. It's something that we need to come together collectively to resolve because it impacts everyone and the ripple effects are huge. So, just want to sort of set out a bit of a landscape here. The first is that the education system that we currently have, I'm not going to go into a huge amount of criticism, but fundamentally the education system that we have favours girls. Sit down nicely, write neatly, don't interrupt, don't be physical, don't move around. It absolutely favours young girls. Boys need movement. They need to be able to move around and they learn in very different ways. So, already our boys are being failed by an education system. They are also, society tells them through media, through what we read, through what's on social media as well, and also through the narrative that we have is that they are the problem. They are why young women and girls are afraid. The other aspect is that they get conflicting messages about what it means to be male. Yep. So, you know, they're told that they're meant to be strong and dynamic and big and muscular, but they're also told that they're exuberant. and their energy and their physicality is unwanted and it's a problem. And so they're presented as a problem rather than there being some real incredible untapped potential still there. We've got the issue around technology and algorithms and the negative impact of social media in terms of feeding into that narrative as well. And the leading cause of death across men, men, not just young boys, is still suicide. So the landscape is problematic. And so what I want to address now is really thinking about what can we do about raising boys to feel that they've been, that they're seen, that they're heard, and to celebrate their unique selves. So I'm going to share six things. So let's get started. The first thing is start having conversations. They aren't just one-offs, but they are multiple conversations and we need to keep having them. So it may well be that your first conversation is that you sit and watch adolescents together, and then that leads off into a whole host of conversations. If you've watched adolescents, then it's about continuing this. So this is not the time as parents to shy away. Yeah, we want to be the voice that our child listens to, because if we're not answering their questions, if we're not having these conversations, someone else will, and it won't necessarily be accurate, healthy, productive, non-misogynistic. So it's really important that we have that. And it's easy to put it off. I know it absolutely is, particularly when we have a child who is uncommunicative or typically doesn't engage in any meaningful discussions. If you need to have more help specifically on how to start these conversations, I've recorded a whole separate episode, a short 10-minute bucket-emptying episode, where I take you through how you might be able to go about starting these conversations. So do head over there. But just take away the message at this stage is that we just need to start. Don't wait for the perfect moment, because it never arises. Don't wait until we're fully prepped and ready, because that time will never come either. So it's really about having those conversations. And it might be clunky. It might be awkward. You might say the wrong words. You might trip over yourself. But it's much better to start and show and demonstrate that you're open to these discussions, that you want to have these discussions, that you're there for them, that you understand how challenging and difficult it is for them, and you're willing to meet them where they're at and to begin to have those conversations. So that's a really crucial one. It's about starting to have these conversations. That's number one. Number two is educate yourself. Sorry, that sounds very kind of like educate yourself. But it's simply about acquire knowledge. Where you have gaps in your knowledge, bridge those gaps in their knowledge. So understand the landscape young men are growing up in, and ask them questions about what they're viewing online. So it's really understanding the landscape, and particularly around this narrative, around the language that is being used, the challenges that they have. The mixed messages that they're getting. We will share in the show notes. It's a big document. You may not necessarily want to read it because it will be big and chunky. But if you really want to, I can share with you the Lost Boys report from the Centre for Justice, which really is quite a big document that really outlines the landscape with which our young men are growing up in, if you want to do that. If not, then look at the Times, did a summary of it, just outlines the landscape for young men at the moment, and looks at some very specific challenges for boys aged 16 to 24, as well as children at the age of 18. five so it's quite a comprehensive report and and the times have done a brilliant job in terms of condensing that or do your own research but the important thing here is that there are certain aspects of what it means to raise a young man and it's the same in terms of raising young girls but it's about education is power knowledge is power so the more we understand the better but that's not just educating ourselves in terms of the landscape but it's also understanding how are young men how our children spend their time and what they're viewing online their gaming habits on their social media who are they following what are they interested in and this is not about auditing their activity it's about being curious and engaging in their world so it's simply asking that question you know i'm really you play this game quite a lot and you talk about it quite a lot and i don't really understand it can i sit with you while you're gaming can you explain it to me can i have a go? tell me a little bit about this person that comes in and plays with you who are they where did you meet them but do this in a genuinely curious way rather than in a way that makes them feel that they're being policed that they're being drilled it's that really trying to understand and when they tell us things should demonstrate that active listening by paraphrasing back so what so the reason why you like this particular person is that they have these really funny memes that you like that you like to hear about and they're really trying to understand and they're really trying to offer and then you share with your friends for example so it's really being curious in that way because the only way we're really going to understand the pressures that they're under and how they feel is getting a bit of an understanding of the landscape that they're operating themselves in so the first one is about starting having start to have these conversations and realizing that they're not one-offs the second is about making sure that we educate ourselves broadly in that way and have conversations with people who are really curious about what they're doing and have conversations with your friends who've also got children and sons and girls because you we're kind of learning from each other create your own little collective community and tribe so that you can empower and help each other and support each other the third thing is about reflecting on your family and what might be a collective first step to take now i say collective because this is about everybody you know when it comes to raising resilient men it takes a lot of time it takes a tribe it takes a village when it comes to raising a resilient woman then it's exactly the same it takes a tribe it takes a village so reflect on what your family might be able to do in that collective first step do you need to review social media use gaming where it happens how long are there opportunities to block out family connection time to build that connection and that empathy and that sense of togetherness and that sense of purpose do you need to have a relationship with your family and that sense of purpose do you need to have a relationship with your it is about creating that connection time it's such a crucial part as our young men grow up and our boys become teenagers and it's the same with girls is that they tend to naturally want to pull away they want to have time on their own they want to have time with their friends they kind of disappear into this abyss that is the online space but in lots of ways that's a really crucial time that we still actively seek that connection time the bringing our family together and it doesn't have to be every day or at every minute of the day but it is an important piece that we create that connection because that's often where conversations naturally start and we get more of a sense of what's going on in their world because of that connection time that we've had together so the third one is reflect on that piece for your family the fourth one is about teaching empathy and acceptance for all and that's around the language that you use at home when there are challenges within the family frictions with siblings frictions with your partner whether they come back with challenges around their peers or the way that they might speak about their teachers the way that you might speak about your neighbors it's really being mindful that we're really demonstrating within our family the value of acceptance for all that we meet people where they're at that we accept people for who they are and we respect the differing of opinions that we can have differences in opinion and still be respectful and compassionate and communicative and kind and show humility to these people and it's it's so easy to find yourself getting caught in a narrative that doesn't necessarily hold true to your values not because you are hypocritical or that you're a bad person but we've all had those experiences and we've all had those experiences and we've all had those experiences really bad days and we've been frustrated with someone and they've been irritating and annoying or their belief systems are so different to ours that we have found ourselves being very preachy about them so i think that there's real scope to teach empathy and acceptance for all through how we speak about others rather than necessarily requiring a sort of a discussion in its own right a long lecture around how we should accept people for who they are let's demonstrate that let's live and breathe those values in the way that our children respond to each other and i also believe this empathy and acceptance for all is also a conversation that we have with our daughters we know that young men go through puberty two years later their emotional intelligence tends and their emotional vocabulary and their emotional understanding is often behind young girls so if we've got girls of 13 14 15 then we're looking retrospectively if boys are going and maturing a couple of years later then we're actually we've got a 13 14 15 year old girl and an 11 12 13 year old boy in terms of the comparable level of maturity in that in that space and so it's also then having conversations with our girls around how can we demonstrate empathy and acceptance and compassion for young men rather than using you know interrogatory comments or frustrated comments around them as well so that's a really important piece is that we're talking about how we raise young our young men but it's also important that our girls show that same level of compassion yes of course their brother will be really irritating or that boy in their class or those frustrations but it's about trying to make sure that when they speak to them and how they communicate with them and the conversations that they have that they adopt a better way of communicating with them and that they have a better way of communicating with them and that they have a very compassionate response in the same way that they would for anyone else so that's number four so we've got start having conversations educate yourself reflect on what you might need to do first for your family teach empathy and acceptance for all the fifth one is a bigger piece of work but this is around helping our children our boys our young men build a strong sense of their own self and identity who are they have a real strong sense of self they know who they are they they know they have this strong sense of identity will also have a huge strong sense of agency that they believe that they have the power and they have the ability to make changes within themselves and also to contribute outwardly in terms of society and in terms of their community and in terms of their peers you know i would say it's probably one of the biggest things that i think that will be the most impactful for young men is about developing and cultivating that and acknowledging and praising the the sun that we have rather than the sun we might necessarily wish to have because i think that's a really important piece and and really celebrating the qualities that they have that may not be the qualities that we wish were their strengths you know maybe we're a parent who's super sporty and our son just isn't maybe sort of their strengths and their passions lie in something that we don't particularly understand it's not something we're particularly interested in we feel that we can't connect with them in the same way but and that's where it's so important because it's that celebration of who they are that is such an important piece to helping them feel content because what happens then if they've got that real strong sense of themselves and they see that validated they see that that is worthwhile that that's valued beyond them then they're much less likely to look to external factors in that process of trying to work out who they are. and then be much less influenced by this sort of the negative, misogynistic kind of narrative that is out there on social platforms. And then the sixth one, and I think this is probably for a whole separate podcast in itself, but it's really important that young men have role models. Now, those role models would typically be the males within their immediate family. So if you are co-parenting and there's a male in that mix, then that is the first role model that our boys will look to. But what we know is as they then move into their adolescence, they actively seek out role models and they look to role models beyond their immediate family. And in the past, that might've been sports coaches, that might've been if they were doing scouts or potentially at other people within activities and things that they do outside school. If you are a single parent, then of course you will have male role models that you can still cultivate, you know, whether they're relatives, whether they're neighbours, whether they're friends. I think when it comes to raising resilient men, it does take a village and that village can come from all sorts of different places and also across all sorts of different ages. A, grandfather can be an incredible role model, but equally your neighbour three doors down who, you know, who was in the Navy or who used to be working as an accountant or who's a mechanic, retired mechanic, they've all got aspects that they can share values, share stories and share that element of that passage of time and that rite of passage that all men will go through. So that they can see themselves reflected in other men. I think that's the kind of the crucial piece about when we talk about role models, what do we mean by a role model? But it is simply allowing young men to be able to see themselves in others around them. And obviously females are an important piece of that, but they can't see themselves in us. They need to have these male role models. And so the more diverse the role model, the more diverse the role model is. The more diverse the role models are, and the closer to the lens with which your son sees themselves, the more impactful that those role models can be. So I hope that by sharing at least some practical things that you can start to do as parents now, as a result of this Netflix series, because of course it's, it started all sorts of conversations in the United Kingdom. We've had it debated and brought up in parliament. We've got a whole discussion now that if we hadn't already had a discussion about the online safety act and whether we should now having seen this and a lot of this latest data coming out is that actually, should we now really be looking at banning social media for children under 16? Should we be looking at banning smartphones? And I know we've had that narrative previously, but of course, having this, this drama, then highlighting even more of the impact that it can have on young men, it's raising conversations. And to be honest with you, I think that's a whole separate episode. And I'm sure there's lots of discussion that can be had around that. And I, for one, I'm all for it starting conversations. And I've seen so many parents say to me that they've watched adolescence with their young men and their daughters as well. And it has really sparked some really interesting, and open conversations that they had never expected to happen before. So I would highly recommend it. And I hope that this is at least one step towards us feeling as parents now that there are things that we can actively do as a result of that. Now, my give this week is going to be these six things that you can do, because I think it will be really helpful to serve as a reminder, as something that you can make notes around, maybe open up discussions and have conversations with the male role models that you have lined up within your family or with your partner, if you're co-parenting, or just within your wider friendship group and community around how can we raise, raise boys. And it's, it's not just something that we need to be considering if we have sons ourselves. It's part of a whole collective where we collectively raise men. So that will be over in the free resource library. So head over to drmaryhand.com/library. If you haven't used the resource library before, you'll be asked to pop in your email address, and that will then give you instant access, not only to this week's resource, but all the resources across all my other podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be eternally grateful if you could follow, rate and review this podcast. So that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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