ADELLE PETROPOULOS: Life Lessons from a Cancelled Wedding

A list nap production. It's a lot is recorded on Gadigal land. We power respects to the traditional custodians of this land and to elders past and present. We also would love to extend our respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people listening today and remind you all that sovereignty was never ceded and it always was and always will be Aboriginal land. Hey everyone! For the first time ever I have just brought in someone without a real plan because I just love them so much online like it's so weird. Adele Petruple is! I'm Adele and I was talking about the Tara Banks situation. Have you seen the full? No I haven't. I've seen snippets. I don't have time to say the full thing but I've seen snippets. She's a wild woman. She is. Yeah. I haven't seen the full thing either but I have seen clips where she, you know, I just think I find it crazy that she's sitting there on a trench coat but like meanwhile she's also trying to start a hot ice cream business and see me. Like it's actually like what does it mean? You know what I mean? Like it's selling cow milk but you're also like part of this whole thing that's happening online. Yeah. And she's trying to give in to everyone that people want hot ice cream and she's not a hot chocolate. It's not a hot chocolate. It's not a milkshake. It's hot ice cream and you go what the fuck does that mean? Literally. Anyway Adele's here. We're here. I just think she's a gorgeous, sure. Can I just love her content? So I just said come on the podcast. I was overjoyed when I got the message. I was like, oh my god, I'm sitting at the table with the Abby. Wow. The Abby. The table. Abby. The table. Wow, here we are. The table. Here we are. What a moment. Hey, I wanted to give you one. Again, kind of just because I selfishly, all this podcast is just me going, I selfishly want to talk to these people. So then that's what happens. We love that. We love that. And I was, look guys, I will admit it's my bad. I wasn't going to get a delon for a full episode but the day before we recorded this, I did nine hours of mass content. That's right. It's a lot. I don't know how you're here. I just, I know it's like that, you know, like that Macaillan Aguera thing, which is like, try being an influencer for a day. And they're going, I hate to podcast even if I'm nine to five, but you don't understand guys. When you've got ADHD and your dexies running low towards the afternoon and you've still got to talk for three hours about married at first sight, it's a lot. You did a fucking marathon yesterday. You did a marathon. Thank you so much. You did a marathon. You did a mental marathon. Thank you. But because of that, I've let beautiful Adele down. I've not prepped properly for the podcast, but I did want to talk to you about something that I think could be nightmare fuel-ish. Love. And that is love. Love. That is love. Love. We love. Yeah. It is love. It is love. Because I've only been following you for the past few months. I said to you, I don't even know. It wasn't even like, it was kind of like stars were aligning when I saw a video. I feel like it wasn't even like that was something dramatic happening. Like you know, usually you follow someone because you see them like going through a drama or be doing a really good job. Yeah, I'm going to say, I really appreciate the fact that you followed me just because you saw like a random video because after everything, like I get a lot of followers saying they they followed me because of this incident, all that incident or a certain segment or and it's like nice to know that people are just following me for my content for who I am. Yeah. As a woman in this space, not because I'm like attached to a man. Yeah. And you find that a lot. I find that heaps and it's not a bad thing. Like your audience is growing, your community is growing regardless. You like resonate with people with certain things and that's fine. But like, I think as women in this industry, we are connected so, so deep, brutally connected to men and like our affiliation with them is not about like who you are as a person. It's about like, oh my gosh, you went through like this massive traumatic breaker. Yeah. And that's how they follow you, which is great because obviously people resonate with you. But it's like nice to be known for your self. As a person. Yeah, not in relation to the worst thing. Yeah. That's what today we're only going to talk about that. Let's go. Yeah. No good point though. But I do want to talk to you about the awful breakup because not trying to trauma farm because I don't talk, you haven't spoken about why it happened and what happened. Yeah. To be honest, I'm not really interested. Like, I have a little bit. But not like to the point where I think that it's a teaching moment at all because whatever it was, that's what it was. Yeah. I'm not really interested in what I'm talking about. I'm not interested in what I'm talking about. Sometimes, if women are engaged, a lot of the time, they will just stay. They go, "Oh, well, I've been told this is my purpose, and I'm so close." I'm so close to it. I'm so close to it. Why don't you be conscious? I'm so close to it. I'm so close to it. I'm so close to being at this imaginary finish line that then your life continues as is after an exhausting day in a dress talking to everyone and then you're stuck with this person for longer and legally and more attached. But I think that you leaving that relationship for whatever reason it was, whatever boundary you put in and you didn't want to be involved anymore, I think it's a really good lesson people listening because so many people will break out with their partners after coming to my shows and after this is the podcast and I really like that about it. You like that's me. And I think that we could get a few more numbers on the chart. I'm a chart. I can't believe that. How can we get there? How can we lift it? How can we lift it? I don't. I don't want to talk about your trauma. I don't even want you to be like, I'm as you want to. It's not. It's really not that day. It's not that day. But that's what I fucking love about your approach to it. And I think that women need to see that, you know, we take any leap of any kind or that's changing a job or whether it's leaving a relationship or you know moving house or whatever moving cities. You kind of like, you have this crazy imposter syndrome before whatever it is. And you think, oh my god, I'm not going to be able to find anyone else. I'm not going to be able to like, maybe this is it. Maybe this is what normal life chips are. Yeah. I just want people to learn. It's okay. It's okay. And what it's like on the other side of that big scary decision. Yeah. So, where do you feel comfortable starting the story? Well, I mean, we'll start it from the end, I guess. So, the end. I found out some information when I was like overseas. It all exploded overseas. We had just attended our very, very close friends wedding. And like I say, this all the time, it's such a side note because I actually, this like, I love this couple to be. It's and I'm so happy. It was like two days after that wedding. Because I enjoyed that wedding for what it was and I celebrated like their love in full. So like that was really special. And then two days after two or three days after, I found out this information. And it's so interesting when people ask me about this because I don't, I don't even remember having that like, oh, should I stay? Should I know? I just was like, but by. Wow. I literally was like, um, no, I'm out. Like this is not for me. I'm done. I didn't even have the thought process of like, you know, if it could work out, it might work out. Like I just didn't come across my thought space. Have you always been like that? Or was this something that you were like, did you expect to have that reaction? I didn't expect how calm I was in the moment. Like I kind of like, in hindsight, I look at it. I'm like, am I a bit psychotic? Because I was like psychotically calm. Really? Like in the moment. What did you do? Did you just like, no, I literally was like, I was like voice super calm. And I like looked him dead in the eye and I was like, it doesn't get any better than this. Goodbye. And walked out like I was like voice, Kamla. There was no screaming. So hot. There was no like yelling. There were tears obviously because like I was incredibly hurt. Yeah. And I was just like, I'm, this isn't, I was like, this is not what I signed up for. And I think it's a boundary that I set from the very, very beginning. It's the one thing that I said, this is like, absolutely not on for me. Absolutely not on. And so when it happened, I was like, oh, bye. Yeah, it's the rules were clear. Yeah, I was like, I don't know if I can make it any more clearer than I did. So that happened. I think my lucky stars that one of my best friends, six months earlier, moved to Athens. But my favourite is in the world. Oh my god, and I might move there. It's the best. It's the best. So she moved there. So I was like, I have to go and be with my friend. And you're in Europe. I was in, I was in, I was in Mika Nars at the time. Perfect. Again, that fairy babe. I'm a pro. So I was like, I've got to, I've got to get on a flight straight away. Got on a flight. Flu straight to my girlfriend who's in Athens. Adore her. Love her. stayed there and I was like the emotional term oil that I went through that week was insane because I was like I'm going to go and enjoy my trip for what it is. I deserve to after a little while and then I was like I need to go I'm going to enjoy it. Let's go, but I need to go. Oh my god. Trying to be a copulous, you know. I actually did that. I actually did the walk and I was like, it was all big. But so that happened, that like a crazy rollercoaster happened and I think I got like five days in and I was like, I actually need to go home now. Okay. I need to fly my ass home. My family is like the best support system in the world. My dad was like, I'm going to fly up. I'm going to come collect. I'm going to fly you home and I was like, Dad, you've got a bad back. I'm like, bro, I'm going to get on this flight. It's fine. I'll cry the entire time. It's fine. It's not it's an on issue. So yeah, did that. What did you do on the flight? Did you? The entire time. Did you listen to any certain song? No, no, no. No, it's not a sleeping pill. Beautiful. I was like, you're full out. Yeah, put her out. Put her down for a moment. Yeah. And I felt so weird because like, obviously the hostess there, love Emirates, you're the best, by the way. Yeah. Shout out to Emirates. They come into me that are you okay? And I was like, no, it's okay. Can I get you a cocktail? And I was like, I want to share pain. I'm like, we'll get you a share. But I'm like, oh, so we got on that flight. We made it. We touched down. We touched down. We got to Melbourne 24 hours later. My dad picked me up and it was the weirdest experience walking into a house that I owned my house before I met my ex. So it was my space to begin with. But when you create these like five and a half years worth of memories, you create five and a half years worth of memories in this one space. And like, this thing has happened and you walk in and like, it's so hard to explain. You see the chairs that you set on every night for dinner. You see like, it's like the memories that are attached to every crevice of the house. It was just gross. And then it's your house. It's contaminated. It's contaminated. That's what I often think. I was like, oh, I'm like, Adam and I, because I also owe my apartment. But it feels like it's your joint home. It's just sanctuary. It's just space with someone else. Yeah, and I think if he did anything fucked up, I'd have to sell my beautiful apartment. You say that. So you didn't. No. Okay. Good on you. Okay. Well, no, you say that. I don't still don't do anything. Yeah, I'm pleased. Yeah, I'm sure he won't. He's an angel. Yeah, it's just me. So yeah, that was a really interesting experience. I slept there that night because I arrived at like 12 p.m. I couldn't sleep. I was cleaning my house until like three o'clock, went to bed for about two hours. And then literally it was like, this isn't happening. Collected my stuff, went straight to my sisters. And I stayed at my sisters for about three, four weeks. Good. Stayed with her. That was good. And that was really, really, really helpful. So I didn't have to be in that space. I could just like recover on my own terms. I think that like for me mentally, that was the best thing I could have done because you're going through like this literal roller coaster. I mean, my manager Amy was like, I was on the phone one day. I was like, fuck this guy in the next day. I was like, I just said it was like this literal roller coaster. And then on the other hand, I was like, I've got to go online. Like I've got to tell because he was in all of my content. And I think that's a big lesson for me. I don't think I will ever ever. And I might change my opinion later. I don't think I will ever have a partner in my content every again. So that's what I said after Conrad because after Conrad and I broke up, well, he just, and it's also annoying because even if you aren't broken up, if they don't go in your content for like a few weeks, you were like, what's happening? So then when it does happen, people notice that even more than such a big post about it with Conrad, like that happened. Then it was a huge fucking thing. And it was a little bit messy, but I won't talk about that. But like it made me feel like, God, I'm so fucking stupid forever uploading this person and ever sharing this person with the world. But then with Adam, I went, look, but I guess also he is a public figure. So it's different. Yeah, it's like there are different layers. I mean, I always asked before, I filmed anything or posted anything. I was like, are you comfortable with this? Like for me, asking if they want to be online is a massive, oh yeah, that's a non-negotiable. That's why like I haven't shown a lot of my family members or a lot of my like my friends don't have TikTok. Yeah, my friends and dearest don't have socials. Yeah. And I always ask if the answer is no, the answer is no. Yeah. I'm like, you have to respect that. I just think that like it's not about not giving people access. It's not about me not wanting to share that part of my life. It's just like I attached a lot of myself to this person. And I don't want to be seen for that. Yeah. I can't want people to like my content because I think I'm a funny guy. Yeah, yeah, which you are. You are a funny guy. Yeah. See? It's working. She's getting it. Yeah. So I don't think I'll ever do that again, but we'll see. Time will tell. Who knows? I mean, I think it is, I think if I was dating a private citizen. I was dating a private citizen. But if I was dating like someone who worked with a trade-it. Yeah. I mean, I don't think I think I'm not that kind of a corporate ever again, but like it's a trade-it. A trade-it is more likely to be someone that I would maybe date. I feel like I wouldn't, yeah. I wouldn't share them at all because all the other people just like go after them and then they feel entitled and then you like you're saying that you have this weird attachment to them publicly, then you have to answer for if they're absent from your content. Yeah. It's a little bit exhausting. It's even like now, I'll post content and I'll be glam. Like the majority of the time I roll out of bed and I turn the camera on with no makeup and I'm making my pajamas or whatever. I couldn't give a shit. So like when I post the more glam stuff, people are like the most the most liked comment is like he fumbled. Look at him. He's watching clock this shit. He fumbled the bag. Look how well he f- how can't believe he fumbled you. I'm like, are we still attaching once again? And I understand the comments and I love the support. But I want the support for the support of myself, not the support to say fuck you to someone else. Exactly because you don't think about what you should be. It's also not nice. It's not nice that person. And it's also it makes it get it centers that man in going, I bet the fact that they're still thinking about you having this like revenge dress or whatever it is on the post. It's like, well, actually the biggest way to win, not again, that's about winning or losing, but the biggest way to actually have recovery and healing from it is to not even think about that person's opinion. Like I'm sure, I mean, maybe you do still now, but I, you know, maybe you're posting it and not even thinking about it. But I am posting it, not thinking about it. I did so much therapy. My therapist was like, babe, we're done. Come back on an ad hoc basis and I was like, oh, I graduated therapy. I was like, you find a fucking part of it. Yeah, that's beautiful. And I was like, well done. That's so much. That's like gold medal worthy. That's a really impressive. That's worth centering. You know, going to graduate therapy. Yeah. So like I feel like I have close respectfully close that chapter and I'm like, okay, new year. Let's go. Let's go. Let's fucking charge. That's all I want to do this. Yeah, I'm like, let's fucking charge. You know that people still just on the thing of people going revenge. People still to me seven years later comment on my post going Matt fumbled from the bachelor. And I go, guys, I've been in a relationship. I've been in two other relationships. Yeah, I'm like, basically married to another man. Also Matt and I are still friends. Yeah, he's come on the podcast multiple times. We hang out. He hung out with Adam once. I'm like, this is it's really weird. I think I think it must be teenagers. It's, you know what I mean? I think it's I think it's the plus 50s either end the spectrum. Yeah. Yeah. But all the power to him. Yeah. So princess died. They went revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. Revenge. We will. So we're going to therapy. Yeah. And so in the therapy sessions, I guess, I wanted to say that I think what was said, but like what was was it very up and down up and down? No, you know, it was really interesting. And I will share this because I think it's important to share. They're like obviously I had a lot to unpack not only from like what had happened to me, but like how I mean a lot of us that have gone through the therapy, we know like how is our childhood impacted the way that we think the way that we habitually move through this world that impacts our current day decisions. And like why did I stay in that relationship for so long? Why didn't I see the red flags? Why did I ignore certain behaviors that weren't acceptable because I was being given attention, love, affection. Like it was interesting to unpack that. And what I found is that as a much better at it now and I'm like, continue it continuously, excuse me, trying to be better at it. But I can't actually decipher emotions very well. Really? Okay. Yeah. Like as a new suppress them or not it's not about suppressing, I think like as as children. And I love my parents. I did an amazing job at raising all of us. I must say like I'm very grateful to them for everything. But like a traditional ethnic household you're told like not to cry, not to get angry, not to feel emotion. And when you're constantly being told, no, no, no, no, no, no, act a certain way. You don't get the emotional capacity to explore that and learn what that means. So when my therapist is like, okay, I can see that you're visibly getting upset when you're speaking about this particular situation in regards to your ex. How does that make you feel? And the only vocabulary that I had was sat. Yeah. Any of the emotions will. Did you do the emotions? We haven't done the emotions. Oh, babe. We're going to do the emotions. The emotions will is so good. The emotions will is like the best thing when you can't because I have I have a similar thing, you know, like where, that I had to work through when I was, young guy, then I still go back to this all the time, as I'm background for a while. - Okay. - When I was with this loser, and it's like, I didn't need the emotions but I needed to dump him. - Yeah. (laughing) - I'm going, why is the emotions wheel my background? - It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, so like, you look at everyone, I mean, guys, Google the emotions with us, also with ADHD version that's like the neuro-vergent overwhelm meal. But see how like in the middle, there's like the main emotions, so it's like, sad, for example. - I love this. - And then it divides up into other emotions that are sub-sectors of sad, so lonely, vulnerable, despair, guilty, depressed, hurt, all. - Everything. - Probably should have gone with a happy one instead. (laughing) - And then it divides those up, again, like, lonely goes to isolated or abandoned. - There we go. - So things, it actually is really important to be able to name your feelings. So often, once you name them, you can work through them so much faster. - Yes, and it's interesting because I didn't recognize that's how I'm 30. Like, how can I not have the vocabulary other than sad and happy? Like, I couldn't even decipher when she was talking to me, and now I know I was angry. Like, I was crying because I was angry at how my life had panned out. I couldn't, I was just like, I'm sad. I'm sad, because you're not sad, Adele. Give me something else. And I'm like, I'm sad. And that's what we worked through, quite a bit. Just so interesting. So I think that, like, I think everyone needs to do therapy. Like, if a man comes on my table and he's like, I've been to therapy, drop your pants. (laughing) - Drop him right now. - Drop him, get it out. - Drop your pants. Drop your bloody pants. No, it's so important. - It's really is, yeah. - It's so important. And like, yeah, I just think that was really interesting for me to work through at that time. My therapist is like, I don't need to see you anymore because we've broken all of this down, but it's something that I constantly work on, which is interesting. - And you find yourself now sitting there, 'cause I sometimes, when I go through periods of a lot of stress, I go back into that, being unable to recognize what my feelings are. - Yeah. - But when I do catch myself, I do have to sit and think for a minute or something, and like, what the fuck is going on? - Yeah, do you still have to do that? - I find that like an incident will happen in front of me, and my automatic reaction is like kindness, kindness, kindness. Like someone could literally punch me in the face, Abby. And I'll be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Why did I make you angry? Like, oh my God, it's like, did I, I did something? - Yeah. - I've been punched me, but I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, I'll apologize. I'll go back, digest for a day, and be like, the fuck did you just punch me in the face? Oh my God, oh my God, hold on, I'm gonna argue in the shower. I'm like, you fucking punch me. - You fucking punch me. - I'm gonna punch you. - But I'm in the moment. I'm just like, I'm just kind of, kindness, kindness, kindness, kindness. And like, I need to work on like my reaction times 'cause they're not that strong. - Yeah, but maybe it's a, it's a, it's a, better quality to have than having a strong, negative reaction immediately. - I think so. - I think so. - I think so. - I've gotta find the balance. - Balance balance. - That's fine. - Yeah, that's it. So you weren't, you know, you've learned that from therapy. How many months that take of being, and was like, we doing weekly. - Yeah. - You were dedicated to the healing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's a thing. I think a lot of people when they go through these things, they're so scared of getting into the healing. - No, no, I was like, seven days is too long without you because so much can happen in seven days. - So much. - Especially when you're going through something so traumatic, like you get messages from family, you get like people reaching out, you wanna reach out. It's like a constant like, I wanna reach out because I am so used to having this person here, no matter how much I've been hurt, I'm like, I need my comfort person. You have to like control yourself. And that was one of the main reasons that I like stayed with my sister, that and like the routine. I've like, she's got two little ones. - Ah, so you can focus on that. - And she like literally gave birth after the wedding. So I came home at my nephew and all I thought about was like, okay, we're waking up. The kids need to be fed. We're going downstairs, we're feeding the little one. We've got a little routine happening. And then I'm up out of bed before seven. Otherwise, if I was at home, I would that bedroom. I would make that bedroom like bitch. (laughing) I would not escape. Yeah, yeah. - I was like, wow. - So that was good to have. I see some form of routine. And then there was that like process over that next couple of weeks of like, okay, me and my sister made down a, like wrote down a plan. She was like, you're gonna wake up. You're gonna help me with the kids in the morning. When the kids are down for their nap for two hours, you're gonna go to your house. We're doing exposure therapy. - Wow. - That's so good. Is she your older sister? - She is. - She's says, she's the best. A year older and she's like, she's with the best of friends. But we're so bloody different. I was like, we're so different. - What she likes. - She's like very, she's a mom. She was born to be a mom. - Love. - You don't kiss her off because-- - Obviously, she took care of you well. - Literally. She took care of three kids at that time. - Yeah, she got to. - And her little sister is going, (laughing) - She's like, shut up. - Oh my god, love her. - So we would do like two hours, go to my house. I would like clean or maybe try and shoot a TikTok video, come back. I would be too much. I would come back. And we'd do that every day and that was the routine. And then I worked out. I love my space. I love my saying, I actually don't want to move. I don't want to move out of this place. This is my home. I was like, how can I make this feel a little bit better? And like, I've always wanted to do like a little refresh. So we did a little refresh on the house. And that was the project for the next couple of months. - Right. - So I had something to do. - Yeah. - And then me and my manager went back and forth on like, how are we going to make this statement? I hate calling it that. But it's like it needed to happen. And I like, I can't even tell you how many drafts of this video that I made because I was like, oh, I don't even know how to do this. But then I just was like, let's just film and see what we come up with. And then whatever comes out comes out and all I wanted to do is like, I was very aware that I didn't want to hurt anybody else, whether it be like him or his family or his friends. I didn't want it to be like a fuck you. Yeah. Because that's not nice. And it's not fun for anyone involved. Including you like that anxiety. Like people always think that everyone's like, and she exposes everything. I go, you can't still don't know why a comment I broke up. First of all, none of you know why we broke up. - No one knows. - There's nothing about it because I was like, that doesn't help me heal. It doesn't help him heal. Then it's some weird like the potential for back and forth and his family and my family and friends. - It's like, it's not nice. - It's not nice and it's not productive and it's not like, it's not a calming thing to do. - No, you know what I'm saying? - He's like, he's what's happened. - But what's the alternative? Like, I'm gonna be honest, it's so much worse than anybody ever knows. Like nobody knows how bad it is. It is like probably the most horrific, actually, no, I shouldn't say that because there probably could be situations worse. But like, it was fucking horrible. - Yes. - Like, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. That what happened was atrocious. Like atrocious. Like my friends are pissed. My friends are family pissed. And they can be pissed. They're holding that anger for me. That's what I say. I'm not pissed. I'm like, I'm chill. - How the hell? - I think the universe was showing me that it wasn't right for me. And maybe we need to reassess why we, as women have all these standards in our life. Where do these standards come from? Do I even want to be married? - Oh yeah. That's the other thing I wanted to ask you about your perspective on marriage now. - Yeah. It's interesting. I think that like, marriage is one thing, I think. So it's hard to talk about 'cause it's like a touchy subject, but like, apart from the marriage part, I recognize that like, I do want a family. That's something that I do want. And the greed of someone else taking that away from you. It's like that, that one thing, like him taking away my possibility to have a family, I will never forgive him for that. That's the one thing that I will never forgive him because that was a conversation that was on the table for years. Like I told him about my issues, my hormonal issues on the third date. The guy just was very clear about like, this is where I'm at if you don't want a family. 'Cause did you have a short period of time? - Yeah, yeah. So I was like, okay, so we were working towards it. That's why like we were like, okay, well, let's get married and then let's talk about that a little bit later and we can start that journey together and see what that looks like, whatever it looks like in whatever way. Whether it's like, if we can't have a naturally, do we talk about adoption? Do we talk about it? - Yeah. - These conversations were being had. - This speaks me so much. I'm so spoke. - It's literally, it's a scariest thing ever because I'm such an honest open, where it all might sleep type of person. And then like when you're having these conversations with people and they're like reciprocating, they're telling you everything that you want to hear, they're like, yeah, okay. And what about this option? What about that? You're having a conversation, open communication with this person and like all this stuff is going on in the background and you just think like, oh my God, was I conned? But do you think you were conned? - I think I was conned. - Do you think? - Yeah. - 100%. - I have no other way of describing it, right? So I'm like that element I will never forgive for. In terms of marriage, I think we live in a society that if you live with someone they're automatically your de facto. - Yes. - So like, it's not the bigger the two years. - Yeah, it's fine. It's like, yeah, would I like a big shiny diamond ring? That would be great too. - Oh, I know. - I'd also like a tennis necklace from my future husband. (laughing) But it's, they're just things. - Yeah. - We come into the world naked with leaf naked. They're just things. And I mean, they're nice things to have. And it's like a different form of unity that I understand. I understand the importance of it. I think does it, has it become this like manufactured thing that everyone's like best stress? Big like the most amount of $500 per person, $4,000 per person, it's money, money, money, money, money. And it's like to show off what you have. And I don't like that element. - I would love to a lope. If I ever found my dream person, like a loam and would be great. - Adam and I, when we get to St. Melbourne, sometimes we stay at a hotel right near the courthouse. - And then we go, we go. - Should we just pop over? (laughing) - I just do it. - Yeah, like before dinner, we're like, "Jay, what's going on here?" - Just go, "No." - No, yeah. - We'll find out some of the straight to be the witness. I don't know. - But like, yeah, the idea of a big wedding, also the anxiety, the planning, the money, the stress. But it is beautiful. Like a friend of mine got married at this wine bar in Melbourne and she spent 20 grand in total. And it was the fucking best. The so many of us have been in for seven minutes. And we were all standing up and then we sat down and had a meal. It was beautiful. - The most beautiful thing ever. But the whole performance of it all, your right is it is just. - I think culturally as well. Like there's a large part of culture that comes into, especially with the Greeks. And where it's like, we have to invite this neighbor of this neighbor of this person, of this person. "Hudday, you not invite this person." And then you've ended up puttling together this 500 person list and you're like, "You're walking out in like this big puffy dress." And it's just like, "Oh, here I am, I guess." - I'm like a football and fucking Maria. Like this is not on my. - What is this? - So walking out with sugar almonds. - Yeah. - Like fuck my life. - Sugar almonds. - It's green. - They go straight to the bay. - A bit of a sugar almond. - I say them by the way. They are coming from sugar almonds. From a wedding the other day. She's like, "Look, I've still got them." I'm like, they're gonna get moldy. - Sure. - Yeah, chuck 'em, chuck 'em. So you did the healing. - Yeah. - And you had having months of therapy. - Since I got back, so I'm like September, right through to Jan. - Amazing. - Yeah. - Quick. - Quick. - Quick. - Really? - I'm a cancerian. I feel a lot. - Oh. - She's got a tense, deep. And then I'm like, "We're done." - She's got it. - Close the door, we're done. We're done. - So then when you announced it, which was how long after it happened, did you announce it? - Literally like, I don't know, two weeks. - Okay. - Two through weeks. And then you haven't really spoken about it in depth. - No. - Ever. - No. - Or since. - No. - Has how, I don't know, like the reception online. I mean, everyone's been so supportive of themselves. - Yeah. - And what I didn't expect, 'cause I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't expect it was like so many, I got so many DMs, Abbey of people being like, women being like, you have encouraged me to leave my relationship. - That's my worry. - This is my situation. Paragraphs. - Wow. - Paragraphs. And I was touched. I was touched that I was receiving that. But I was not in the emotional head space or capacity to be receiving those messages. Like go get therapy respectfully. - Yeah. - I appreciate that like I was this like pillar for you. I didn't intend on being that pillar. I was just like, oh my god, what are we doing? Let's do this one day at a time, one hour at a time. Like that's what we were running through. And I had my ups and downs. Like I was receiving PR parcels and crying because they were so nice. Like I had bread. - So sweet. - It was like, like the cutest little peck, you just run out of it. - You can say no. - It's like that's where my head space was at. - Oh my God. - I wasn't well. - I was crazy. - I wasn't well. - Yeah, I wasn't well. So I appreciate that I was like that pillar for women and they saw me. However they wanted to see me, whatever gave them the courage to leave, whatever relationship they were in. I'm proud of them for that. I do know a lot of people that still do stay in situations. And it might not be because it's a DV or they've been cheated on or it might just be because like they're like, I just, you know, he's such a lovely person but he's done nothing wrong. But like, I'm like, but do you love him? Well, do you get along? We talk so much about people not, you know, women should have high standards and what that usually means is someone treating you well, which sure, but I feel like someone treating you well. - That's a bad man. - And we go, we should have really high standards. Like he shouldn't let someone cheat or hit you, yeah, sure, whatever. That's all agreed upon, right? But even like the idea that we were, it's like, oh, you shouldn't let someone do that too. It's like, well, they did it. So that's just put the blame on them, not on women that stay. But the other side of it is you should be having fun and enjoying each other's company and you should actually like your partner and the reason to marry someone to stay with someone should not be all like, he's nice. Like, I've had friends that are like, you know, like, he's nice and like, you know, sure, it's something wrong. And I go, well, what is it? Oh, she's doing really well and I go, oh, so what does he do to treat you well? Do you take him on dates? Does he organize weekends away? Does he get you flowers? Do you guys? You know, like Adam, for example, like, you know, he'll organize a date most weeks, hit me to the movies or like, like, little things or like, write me a song or something. I don't know, like, I'm like, like, he'll do little things, like, write little notes in the morning, but like, I love you. It's not about doing this grand gesture thing. No. But I think so many people get into this like, pattern of just staying because you're like, well, nothing is disrupting it. It's a dopamine hit though. Yeah. It's a dopamine hit. It's like, okay, but he gives me presents. That's great. What else does he do? Can you sit in a room with this man for 10 hours? Have a conversation for 10 hours? Look at the clock and think, oh my God, I thought it an hour had a pass. Yeah. Like, that's where the friendship element and the alignment comes along when you're able to, can you sit and debate about certain things? Can you have intellectual conversation? Yeah. It's not just like, I work, I come home, I have dinner with this person. Yeah, we fuck and we go to bed. Yeah. And sometimes they don't even fuck. Oh, sometimes they don't even want to sell point. And then it's like this idea of like, um, joking about, like not wanting to fuck your part. Oh, you always want sex. It's like, well, like, that, yeah, but like, don't, it's boring, you don't want it with them. You want to fuck them? It's what? Yeah, I'm like, I then I Adam didn't have sex with me and I was like, I was like, I don't know, I was going, please, please, please. And I'm like, this is beautiful, that's two years. I'm in the kitchen going, he's like, I'm really tired, baby, I go, okay, well, I guess I'll just masturbate next to you then. And then next minute, he's inside me. Well, it worked. It worked. I said, I respect your boundaries. I respect your time to skin and masturbate next to you before bed. You got to beddy-bys and it will happen, you know? But like, you should, you should want to fuck your part. And I think wrong if you don't want to fuck your part. I'll call the conversation about intimacy. It's a whole conversation. But best friend intimacy. Yeah. I think there are intimate moments like outside of the bedroom where you like, you can have these conversations. Can you laugh with a person? Like, is that important to you? Like, what is important to you? It's like really interesting. Like, I think another task is putting aside the person that you're with. Like, let's say you are in a relationship or not with a relationship or you've got to like a horrific ex or whatever it is. I think like all women need to sit down and say like, who, what does my ideal person look like? What do they have? It's like a really interesting task to do, right? Yeah. What do they have? What do I want from them? Do I want humor? Do I want, do they need to be financially stable? Do they need to be really close with their family? You write all of these things down. And then you go back to that list and you tick off the things that you actually have. Ah. It's really interesting. Because I did this task with my girlfriend. That's great. My girlfriend write all of these things. I want him to have a big house. I want him to. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. I want, okay, to tick those things off for yourself. She could only tick two things off that list. So I'm like, no, so this isn't a list of your potential partner. This is like your aspirational list for you. You, yes. So you need to work on all of these things. Yes. Because if you want to find this in someone else, you need to be able to bring it to the table. And also, if you're looking for those things because it's an aspirational list for yourself, once you do reach those things, you may not even need a one-a-partner. Because we're going to told that we do need a partner to be able to own a house. And also, financially, now you kind of do, unfortunately. You kind of do. You kind of do. But we're told that we can find happiness, we can find stability in someone else. Find it in yourself first. Yeah. And then you actually are able to find a partner that you do laugh with. Because all the time people are looking for stability. And it is very stressful, particularly in this economy, to have stability of any kind. And the dating pool, as it is. It's horrific. It's really bad. It's really bad from what I've seen and what I've heard about. It's bad. It's getting worse. Question mark. But I think that once you get those basic things that you want, then you can find someone that you actually enjoy spending time with. And if you find them, then you're fine by yourself. And maybe they'll bring something to table that you didn't even have on your list. And you're like, "That's really cool." Yeah. That's really about a cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like that, it's a really great task to do. It's a really good task. Just to sit there if you're journaling at night or whatever, just like write those things down. But you need to be in a headspace where you're not doing it thinking about someone else. That's important. Yeah. Otherwise you can be like finding someone specific. No, like if you've been in a past relationship or you're in a relationship, what tends to happen is you write down the things that they already have. But you're not writing down the things that you actually want. Yeah. And I think a lot of women aren't in touch at all they actually want. No. Because again, like even things like owning a house, I think a lot of people, obviously owning a house is great and it does result in a form of stability. But if you really deeper, would you rather be traveling? Would you rather be able to move from city to city? Would you rather like, Jamila Jamile, for example, Jamila Jamile. She had housemates until like a couple of years ago because she just loved having housemates and they all rented together. Yeah. Like sometimes we've been told that we're going to be in a relationship. but we need to yearn for this thing, marriage kids are house. And being from Brisbane, a lot of people get to that stage. I got to that stage in their like 26. And then they get there and they get to the finish line and they look around and they're like, "What do I do now?" Because they have to start. All our house does is locks you into a mortgage for the next 30 years. If you don't want to be locked down or you don't have the capacity to pay that for the next 30 years, don't fucking do it. Yeah. Like it's as simple as that. Go do the share house, go rent, go enjoy different areas of different states or the same state or a different country or go travel or go. Like write down your priority list. Do that for yourself, you know? So what's on yours? Kids are definitely on mine. Kids are at the very top of the priority for me. When do you want kids? I am trying to work on not as a woman putting a timeline together. I love it. We are like hell bent on like, I want to have kids by 25. Oh my God, what's wrong? 15 and that was like, yeah, 12. 25. I have three kids in a house. So broad. What the hell was wrong with you? What the hell? Someone tells me like, "Oh yeah, I'm married with kids and I'm 24." I'm like, "Are you fucking well?" Are you alright? I go, "Good on you, Queen." Jesus. Do you do you, Boo? Yeah, I do. I didn't have the mid to capacity at that age. I mean, you'll be a hot-grand. Sure. I'm sure. Yeah. That's at the top of my list though. I'm trying my best not to freak out because at the end of the day, I don't want to be a single mom, whether that's in a relationship or not in a relationship, I don't want to be a single mom. Raising a child is no joke and it's not something that you can just say, "Oh, I'm pregnant and raising a child." And I understand circumstances are different and it happens to some women or most women where they end up being a single mom and that's fine. But if I can control that, I will not bring a child into this world without that level of stability. What's the thing? I had a single mom growing up. And people have said to me, "Oh, but you could do it by yourself because you saw your mom do it." And I go, "That's why I don't want to do it." Because my mom worked full-time as a teacher and had two children under two of my dad left and she had 27 fucking dollars and a Saint Bernard. And then her whole life was just us. It was just like she didn't have any money, any time, any, like any, she had a social life because it's my mom. And she's very lucky that she has such beautiful girlfriends that were like my aunties that really helped, and all her friends, all their widow husband's left as well around the same time. It was like a cleansing really. Oh, I love that. I love the cleansing snake. I don't know what happened that year, but it's really not an easy thing. And I totally agree with you people say, "Oh, I'll just do it myself." That's great if you have a support system and you have something ready. And there's nothing inherently bad about being a single mom, but I think that it diminishes the effort that it takes to raise a child. And I would not want to, like you're saying, go into a situation that I can choose to not be a single mom. I think that if I was a single mom, I could handle it. Hell yeah. All women can because we're beasts. Yes. We're absolute beasts. Do we want it? No. Like, not for my child either. Like, I don't want to start my child's life out only having one, only having me as a parent because you also want to be your own person at the same time. How many mothers do you know they just lose themselves? They just lose themselves. And it's like you observe it from the outside and they talk to about it. And that's literally like, they talk to about this thing that they don't know who they are anymore after having a child. Like, that's terrifying. Really spooky, do you think? That's terrifying. And you see it happening. But there are like, there are some people that you go, you've found that really well, but you see how much effort it takes to not lose yourself. Yeah. Like, it's an indictment on the women that do lose themselves. It's like, oh, it's so hard to hold on to the edge of the whole. Like, it's like, I'm fucking just trying to stay myself. But how do you, when you have a human, you have to raise and put all of your energy and money and time into? I don't know how that's even possible. I know. And I speak about this so often. I had this troll online the other day, actually. Like, thank you for trolling me because I got to speak about it a little bit more. Because whether you're in a relationship or not in relationship, like we're just, we're just not doing it anymore. Like we're saying, no, we're saying, ah, no, men need to come to the table or your significant other needs to come to the table. And we're not talking about coming to the table, 40% or 50%, you need to come at 80%. Because when I'm, when I'm depleted at 20%, you need to meet me there and you need to raise this other human being that we've decided to raise together. Yeah. Okay. Just because I'm the female in the relationship doesn't mean that I'm solely looking after this person. Yeah. I want to go to work too. Yeah. I said, I said to Adam, I'm like, if we have a baby, the first few months, like I'm not doing anything because I spent nine months growing it. That's so good. You're actually doing 100%. I'll be with the milk. Yeah. But also if I don't have any milk, you're going to be doing the formula. Sorry, King. Like I grew it. Yeah. Like I'm doing, but women have these babies and then they are exhausted and they then have to take care of this child that they love more than anything as well. Like I'm not saying that children are, well, I'm saying children are burdens or all for that. But they're beautiful. They're beautiful. They're shared load often isn't there by default. It's not there. It's not there. So you definitely want to have kids as the first thing. What else? I haven't really thought as far as that. I think I definitely want kids. I definitely want a career. I think that's something that I'm prioritizing this year. Like my career, I want to really harvest my friendships really, really well because not that I didn't know I had a good support network. My friends are fucking awesome. Like they're just, they're so good. And I just think going through something so traumatic and seeing how well they come to the table, you're like, I am so blessed. I'm so blessed. So kids, 100%, I think if it's in my trajectory, amazing, if it's not, I have to come to terms with the fact that it might not be and that's okay too. I want a career. I've worked out that I can't be a housewife. I'll fuck a neck myself like I can't do that. - No, not for me. - Not for me. - And I want a career. - Yeah. Like, that's really important. Do I want the marriage thing? I mean, yeah it's not really, I don't think it really matters now. - I'm like, if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So I also want to ask you about the logistics of canceling the wedding. - Yeah. Talk to me. - Not in their view, that's the main thing that I think of. I mean that's also people's stagas. I go, I've spent all this fucking money. - Yeah. - All the shit. - How much money did you lose? - Actually, not that much. - Good, good, because the vendors were. - When I sent, I've got very close with my vendors. Like I hired them because they were good people at the end of the day. There was only one vendor, and I'm shouting them out, the floor people that wouldn't give me my money back. Fuck you guys. They were like, no, it's like we won't give you any money back for that. I'm like, you haven't even done the job though. You're not even installing the floor. Why can't you give me my money back? They didn't have it in their contractor, and it fuck you guys. Anyway, so I lost about $2,000 from that. I lost a little bit of money from like, a little bit from hair, a little bit from like here and there. But I reckon, I reckon in total, probably like, I don't know, seven gay we lost. - Okay. - Everyone else was amazing. They were like, we can't believe this has happened. We're giving you a deposit back and forth. - That's amazing. - That just really kind to people. And then we're just like, we're so sorry. And then I started the process of like, which I'm gonna shout out my friend Tia, it actually wasn't my idea, but I fell in love with it. She kind of was like, why don't we think about paying it forward? - Yeah. - With whatever you've got, whatever you've accumulated. 'Cause we had bought stuff, right? Like we had bought stuff for the wedding that we needed to like, what was I gonna do with it? - Like, obviously you bought like decorations and stuff, right? - Yeah, decorations, like I had bought my shoes. I had bought my girls' jewelry. I had bought like, we had just bought random shoes. I don't, I can't even remember off the top of my head now. And she was like, why don't you just pay a foo because weddings are really expensive and people wanna get married and have these beautiful things. And I was like, that's beautiful. So I just started doing these giveaways. I just wanted it out of my house. I was like, anything that's associated with this man, I want gone. - Yeah. - Like I need gone. And I was like, I don't wanna throw it out 'cause it's like a way. So I'm just not gonna go into landfill. - Yeah. - So then I started doing these giveaways. And like that popped off and people were really appreciative of that, which I got really loves that I got to pay it forward in a certain way. So I gave away my Tom Ford shoes and they were really beautiful. I'm really happy that I did because the bride sent me a photo of her in the Tom Ford. And I was like, oh, that's so good. - Oh, yeah. - That's so nice. - But like little things like that, that made that, that brought a little bit of happiness to me when I received those messages of those photos considering what I was going through that I had made someone else happy. So that was, that was nice. - So I think that a lot of people also scared to cancel the wedding in case it's gonna cost them all the money. But sometimes people, money comes and goes. - Money comes and goes. - And also sometimes people are really lovely. And we'll give you your money back. - Yeah. - I think it's not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship or get married to someone. - And you know what's also expensive? - Devon! - Devon! - The legal fees alone are gonna be more than the wedding. - They will be in a million last time. - That will be the main fucking issue. Also the joining of assets. Like I just think there's so many people. - I think a lot of people get married that don't want to get married. - Yeah they do. - No it's a thing. It's like it's like, I've seen it happen. It's a thing. - I've been at weddings where I go. This is not gonna last. And then 18 months later divorce and I go, (crowing) like I'm like, (crowing) Well, you know, we kind of saw it coming in also like the person. is saying before going like, I don't want to do it. - I don't want to do it. - I think if you don't know, you should fuck it off. - A lot of people don't have that like deep-rooted confidence to do that and it all comes from a place of insecurity. I think anyways, if you haven't done the work on yourself and you're like insecure, you feel like, oh my God, what am I going to do? I'm like, what is the alternative? If you stay in this relationship with the rest of your life with this person, then you can't stand that you don't want to get married to. That you don't want to sleep in the same bed next to. - Oh, please. - Oh, I'd rather shit in my hands a clap. - Yeah. - Exactly queen. - No. - And how about your dress? - I didn't, I didn't donate that one. - No. - I'd already paid for it. - Okay. - And the designer of my dress con ilio is a creative fucking genius. - I've worn something from Con. - He is amazing. - He's amazing. - Yeah, he's a creative. - Yeah. - We went into the process of like creating this wedding dress where like, I just clicked with Con. He's like a beautiful soul. He's so kind. I love him to be. It's I do in my dorm, I'm a dorm. We had this whole creative process together and I love fashion. I love the elegant like sleek style that he has, but he also like throws in a bit of quirk. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And it's like, it's enough spice. But it's not too spicy that I'm like, oh no, I'm not gonna do this. - Yeah. - So we started this beautiful creative process. We'd like paid for the dress. We had like the top has been done. The lining of the skirt was getting made. And I had emote him and I was like, stop. Stop, like the wedding skirt was gonna stop. And then he was like, I'm gonna pause and then like come in when you're ready and we can talk about it. And then I sort of like had these discussions with him. I was like, I was really excited to wear the dress and he was like, this is the one that I was most excited about making. Like I tell my partner about it every day. Like it's beautiful and he was like, do we just wear it? Like let's just make it. And I was like, do I see if I can get a glamour on the grid invite? Like that's the only place I can imagine wearing this absolute masterpiece because I never made the dress for my ex. Like I never made it for someone else. I made it for myself. And I don't want it to be like a revenge dress. - Yeah. - A revenge, like comment saying it's revenge. - Revenge, right. It's not about that. It's about like, I made this beautiful piece of art with Con. It was like this moment that I think we're making lemonade out of lemons. I've got this beautiful dress that I've paid for. Why don't we wear it and just show this piece of artwork on the grid and just like celebrate fucking women being sick bitches. - Yeah. - It's been come to you and I'm coming. - And I'm telling you, it's like a full circle moment. - It's like a full circle moment. - You know, what six months ago you couldn't go into your apartment for more than two hours. And now only six months later. - I'm wearing this beautiful dress. - You're going to be like, "Okay, and you're in your apartment." And that's apartment, whatever it is. You're in your home. - Now I'm in my home. - And it's gorge. And I thought, I thought honestly, I would have like this weird emotional experience when I put it on. Every time I put this gown on, it's not finished yet, but like it will be, by the time this episode comes out, I think I would have worn it or whatnot. But every time I'm in it, I have a smile from ear to ear because it's so magnificent. And I'm just like, "Oh, I feel so good in it." And I feel so sexy and I feel so elegant and chic. And it's just like, "Oh, I love it so much." So like, I've never had anything cut to or made for myself. So like I didn't want that to be stripped away from me. - No. - So I can't. So can't hear. - So what's your moving forwards with dating? What's your like non-negotiables now? Like what have you learnt from this whole experience? - I'm not accepting the bare fucking minimum. I think that I've got a lot of work to do. Like I'm talking to me wrong. Like I bet on dates and like, these really lovely things have said to me. And I'm like, "Laya." - Yeah, yeah, that's a thing. - Laya. - Then you get really. - Yeah. - I'm like, "Oh, they're lying." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Freak. - What do you like about? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I just feel like I'm being con 24/7. And it's like something that I need to work on and it's gonna take me a while. But I just think that they need to be really kind. They need to have like good, just same rooted values that I do, you know? It's one thing to be like a really funny, happy, go lucky person, but like if you don't have morals, I can't help you. I can't teach that to you. I can't baby you. They've got to have a level of independence. They've got to have drive and ambition for themselves. That's a really big one. Like, don't get me wrong. You're with someone. You have your ups, like your ups and downs, your highs and lows and you help each other through that. But like, you need to be your own person. So I can be my own person and we can have fun together as two people. - It's not like I'm supporting you and you, I can't explain it. I don't have the words right now, but like, I think women do that especially. They're like diminished themselves as a person because they're like, oh, I need this support. I'm like, no, bitch, do it yourself. Let's do it yourself. Be your own person before you bring someone else into your life and you can do that together. Like, that's fun. - Or they lose themselves in the relationship by supporting their partner as well. And it's easy to do that if you aren't your own whole person. - Well, don't any advice to any of the children listening that may be considering, trust you got, trust you got. That's the biggest thing. Trust you. - Trust you on the other side, right? - It's so much better on the other side. Like, it's confronting and scaring at the time. Don't get me wrong. It's really confronting and it's really scaring as it's a whiplash, a literal emotional whiplash. But you're not gonna die. - That's the thing. You're gonna keep living no matter what. Time comes and goes whether we want it to or not. You're not gonna die. It's gonna be okay. You've got your friends, you've got your family. You can do this by yourself. - That's beautiful, queen. Thanks, Scourge. Sorry to the whole episode was about. - We love. - The man, you know, we started out talking about how we should be other things. But I just think it's a good cautionary tale and a good inspiring tale. - There it is, it's a good one. - It's a good one, babe. So I'm guys-- - That's the having me. - Go follow Adele. - It's Adele Patropolis, right? - Two Ls. - Two Ls. - Two Ls, beautiful. - We love it, baby. - We love it. - I fucking love you. - Love things, I love you. - It's a lot, isn't it? (upbeat music) - Listener.