Joey Dears delivers a candid critique of modern consumer culture, highlighting how everything from sports betting to concert tickets has become excessively expensive and emotionally draining. He recalls the absurdity of UFC betting, where fighters like Max Holloway earn staggering sums, while fans feel cheated by poor show quality and inflated prices. Dears expresses deep concern about gambling addiction, especially among young people, noting how marketing tactics exploit their naivety. He observes a general increase in daily costs—from food and travel to insurance—making life increasingly unsustainable. Drawing from personal experiences, he reflects on past drug use, particularly cocaine, which was driven by a need for escape and social interaction, not pleasure. He describes a life of constant consumption and deception, where small acts of theft or drug use once brought excitement, but now feel morally and emotionally hollow. Ultimately, he finds redemption in comedy and self-awareness, positioning them as alternatives to the emptiness of materialism. His message is a cautionary tale about how society has turned value into cost, and how true fulfillment comes not from spending, but from conscious, grounded choices.
What's happening? You savages, it's the church of what's happening now. New edition or whatever the fuck it is. I'm Joey Dears is my main man. Lee aka Johnny Hitler. He was Johnny Mussolini two weeks ago. Now he's Johnny Hitler today. Hope everybody's doing well. You know, another fun filled week here. It's going on with you. I'm good, dude. I'm good. It was crazy. Great. I don't know. Did you watch the UFC at all? Do you care about that anymore? I watched it because I bet Max Holloway the win decision knockout, rollerskating. I had Max. I didn't give a fuck. And I called it Tuesday Wednesday night in Brooklyn. I sat on stage and why I wasn't even going to consider betting them. I already saw all the signs. Something wasn't right. They could push down. Nobody was talking about Max Holloway. That's how he's a killer. So did you see the result? Fucking his last six fights. He's kill people. I think he lost Hollow Vera and somebody else. Well, I could be wrong. But there was no way too many people would beat betting. Vegas Vegas was not going to take that beat. Did he really make 30 million million? Yeah. That's a disgrace. It is what it is. There's nothing you could do about it. I feel bad for you. If you bought the ticket, I feel bad for you. And it's the expression mind your fucking business. You could have just as much running your living room. People went to that fight. That fucking heartbroken. They're like the Russian right now. They paid three grand and then they didn't see nothing. You saw Paddy Babadi. Yeah. That was great. You saw a great card. But the card they went to see. And I feel bad for Connor. Half of me feels bad for Connor. But again, that flying sidekick. There was no reason for it. I think it was hurt before that. He was hurt before. Dude, we talk a lot about like people like, you know, getting greedy. The fact that it's free. I didn't watch a UFC for 10 years. Like those those pay reviews were so expensive. Yeah. But you were pirate in them. Don't lie. I did a little bit, but honestly, like those pirating, they always goes down. I don't know. It's, it's now I saw the old person. But when we were watching it in L.A. and it was like max and his prime. It's DC. John Jones. It was, I don't know. It just seemed better than it is now. It seemed like the fights were more exciting. It seemed like, I don't know. I just, I didn't really care about it. And for him to make 30, no one makes 30 million. John Jones, they wouldn't give him 20. And that's why he didn't fight. You know, man, that kid brings, I mean, say what you want to say about Connor McGregor. He changes in economy. Yeah. Of course. Okay. He changes your economy. You could take shit away from Connor McGregor, but they he pumped a lot of money into Vegas. That's why they didn't cancel the fight. And I don't think he, you know, listen, it's an eight week training camp, right? There's nobody who walks out of an eight week training camp that they're doing it effectively. That doesn't hurt something. Your shoulder, I go to the gym and once I do a high pull, ah, my shoulder, something is still lingering that never yield. So you always go into a fight with a school, an injury, but the excitement of the lights and all that shit makes the pain go away. And you try your best. I saw something different. McGregor was jumping around all weekend, being nice to people. You know, it was, it was almost too surreal. But when he walked in the afternoon, everything changed. Look at it. He looked across. It's like when I do a gig and you guys tell me I can't wait. And now it's December 28th. I'm going to go do this gig and fuck. And that's what happened. He looked across. Serene goes, look at his face. Why am I doing this? I'm worth 400 million. I'm going to get 30 million. I got to pay taxes on all that shit. What am I doing with my life? I could just make commercials now. Yeah. He could just do commercials or open up a gym, sports, gym, whatever. He took the fight. And oh, the fight in mentality is completely different when you're fucking broken hungry. And when you sleep on 200,000 million dollar sheets. Yeah, I've got you know, you got a butler and you're on a fucking Ferrari boat and you're on. It's tough to really dig. And I get that and I get I listen, he's an amazing athlete, but I just I was watching it as a comic and I'm like, this is a guy who sells out Madison Square Garden and it hasn't done has done three shows has no material. And it's just like if if I had paid for that, I would have been like I would have been. So that's why you didn't pay. That's why I was on Paramount and you got nothing to worry about. Right. I mean, I watched it. Like I said, for me, it was just the point of the bedding. There was no way he was going to win. I did not know he was going to fall apart. Get hurt. I did not, but I knew there was something. There was no way all those people were and then went straight bat him. That's what I double thought. He really did. That's a million dollars. You double up. You got none of the loose. You got you got none of the loose. Every time Drake bets better against him, you will fucking win tons of fucking money. Is he announced it or something? I don't know. He put it up. He just bet my million dollars. Oh, that's he always loses, right? You know, people always say to me, dog, don't you go to baseball games, the Yankees or the Giants or the Boston Red Sox or whatever. You know, I don't like that shit. No more. I saw behind the curtain and what when you're a kid, you weigh your jersey and you go to these places and you're excited. You bring how many times I bring a basketball game to mask my garden as a kid? When the net started playing in Piscataway, I mean, Chuck and McBreen took a bus up there one night to see most of them along. We had balls with us, but three of us. You know, you're in the eighth grade, okay? I think when I started betting that 18, 19, I just saw behind the curtain. You just see behind the curtain. There's no way. I remember one game we were at hashways. It was perfect. It was a Monday night game. We all liked it. Everybody broke down the thing that we give them seven and a half. They all ended up losing by 40. Never forget that going the same right. Something's not right here. That's why I feel bad for people when I see them on the A train with giant stuff on. Let it go. Let it go. That's something to watch at all. As after 20, you're going to be a fan with a jersey on and should I feel bad for you? Because it's not even about that. It's not even about that anymore. You know, you never seen a bookie with a part-time job, guys. But Vegas doesn't get bigger every year because you and your friends, we broke even. We broke even. But Vegas keeps getting bigger. Now they're putting another fucking stadium on the script, but you keep telling me you go out there every time at all. We and my wife went all the time. No, you don't. No, we're fucking wins. Because even if you win, you still got three days left. You might win a thousand dollar jackpot and you got three days left. By this third day, we're not going to gamble. We're going to love. We're going to buy a, we're going to paint the deck. You know, we're going to install a new deck. Fuck you. That mother, one of those two is burning. They're saying, we made eight. We can make 12. Let's just take four down there. That's life. They're always going to get you in casino. The Japanese guy, they broke his plane and they went back and he broke. They owe. It's designed to always win. Yeah, there's that guy that goes and wins 11 million. The thing one time and then he goes home and his family milks him to death who's not pregnant. Who's not at the same time. You know, it's all bullshit. Once you see behind the curtain, it's very tough to go back. And that's what happened to me, young. I was like, it's not about how good the quarterback is. It's about what Vegas is running that week. Now, you've seen it. We've all bet. And you've all fucking bet three and a half and they win by three. Well, you know, there's always something that you go, that was fucking fishy. What about that guy? There's one of those NBA players who's getting like investigated for gambling now. And then he was down by like nine. The line was seven and a half with like three seconds left. He zoomed down the court to score. So we'll just stay under the under the points or under the spread. And now he's being trial. And I think everyone's doing it. I think everyone gambling has gone up. I mean, across the board, you know, like I spoke about the gambling services or the new credit card services when you're in college. When you have immediate day in college or whether that is where you go get your books and shit and then you walk onto the hallway and back of America's there and thought when I was there was discovery and master card. And they're all that talking to you about the opportunities of master card. And how if you sign up today, we'll give you a $250 credit. And you can't believe it as a kid. You're like, bro, that's dancing shoes. Paragene's a shirt and a half gram of blow. Sign me up. And they all do that. 250 here. What do the draft things do? What are the draft services? Oh, you're lucky to give you a t-shirt. No, but I'm talking about like these, these fucking, all the gambling services. Yeah, by the way, I'll get you 300. What's the difference guys? It's air. Yeah, don't give a fuck because they know eight out of 10 of you might.
motherfuckers is gonna put another quarter in that machine. And four out of ten is in it for life. Though he ends up a gambler's anonymous or fucking, you know, and that's just the way life is. Don't ask me. That's just the way life fucking is, man. The alcohol system isn't alcohol sales been down? Wait for them next semester at college. Watch till they come on campus, start giving away little bottles and shit. That's the final move. You got to tap them there. What was Adam Sandler's genius? He got all those college kids. Those college kids became 40-year-old successful. And now he's got them for life. Yes, fans of his for life. You got to catch them early. And that's the same thing they're doing. So yes, every kid and these kids that are gambling aren't street smart. You know what I'm saying. They get to they fall for all that shit. Call them a Gregor belt. You know, they fall for all that shit. And that's why you get caught. And now once you're in, you're in. How many times I lose 20 hours on a Saturday? And I'm like, I just paid a guy on Thursday. But guess what? Sunday still left. And guess what? Monday night football. And I know there's a Chinese tennis game going on somewhere Tuesday for me to make my money back. And we end up doing what? We end up losing more. Well, yeah, it's a fucking science. And I can't figure it out. I'm not Alexander Graham Newton, whatever the name is. You know, I don't know about this shit. Right. All I know is it's like what they tell you. Don't do heroin. You're gonna get nailed. How many people take these paint pills they gave me and end up shooting heroin for years. It's pro. We all have a weakness. It could be gambling. It could be fucking paying 2,000 a ticket for Ariana Grande or a fucking whatever. Guys, I have the money to go to those things. And I don't. Why not? Because I'm not overpaying for a fucking ticket over my dead body. There's nobody. I love Pink Floyd. They came to a late 10 years ago. Me and Ari took acid. I said, I'm not paying a dime over 300 for those tickets. We ended up going to eat at Philips. I'm the acid fucking dipping Rose beef and gravy and fucking trying to eat it when you're on acid. Oh my god. I just knew I wasn't gonna pay that. I won't let myself do it. If you like them that much, go in your car and blast them. If the same result, what's the difference? You stand there and ask George about his rolling stones for all tickets. Ask him. He won't even listen to the fucking stone of normal. He didn't even watch to make jagged interview on New York Times. You know, there's people that just see it and they're done. I think that's the worst feeling when you feel like you got duped. I'm like nine dollars for two tickets for the stone. He's a stone fan. I'm a stone fan. If you'd have caught me on the off day, I would have paid. But not really. I would have thought about that. And I would have said, what am I getting? What am I really getting for this? Anyway, you put it once on there, but if what song we got to go? I heard what they just sent people to the devil and shout it. What do you have to do here? And leave the metal hands with all these fucking idiots. Stone time. Let's get out of here now. What am I doing here? There's a song from our next album. I don't want to hear it. I really don't. Yeah. You know, so why do I put myself in that position? So I don't. It's not that I'm cheap. I just don't want to fucking go. Is there anything that you pay for right now? Like to see concert game. A black chick farting in your mouth. That's all I would pay the small 50. Listen, there's not one. I mean, what do I really see? I mean, what do you kind of start all small? No, we don't. You're a heavier opener. Farts never. So once you become a headliner, you take three big farts to the mouth, you're going to start the open mics for the four of you have more juice on the mustache. Oh, then that's when you make the big bucks. People want to people want to see you eat a black chick's ass for 600 pounds. They want to see you like that with like an intestine. You know, I'm saying coming out like a little worm or something, but no, listen. I got to have an explanation. I'm explaining nothing to my wife, but if I tell I want to go get two stones, take us for five on an hour, she's going to look at me like, she ain't cheap either, but both of us. What are we doing? I'm going to pay a thousand bucks. First, we've got to walk 20,000 steps and that ain't happen. If I pay you a thousand bucks, I ain't walking. You better get a carpet, a ride, something, get one of your hindu brothers to fly me around. Okay. I'm not doing that walking. I don't want to fucking what's I shit when you pull up early, bumping a bump. What are you calling? Falling. No, shut the fuck up. Come on, happiness. When you go to a giant game, the game, the game starts at one, but you go to tailgate, bump of the bump. Same shit. You know, I got to go. Sorry for those idiots and people breeding on you. Joey D is the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we grow rogans. I'd rather stay home, watch the game, order pizza for millies, whatever that is. Yeah, we like the pizza. That's great. I'm not going down there. I would go see a great game like in a stadium like Miami in November where 70 degrees, that's me. You know, I would go to a Miami game, something in California, a warm game, but you think I'm going to sit there and freeze and pay a thousand? Come on, man. And it's the same with everything now. Like even if you pay it, then dude, I can't tell you how much money I've gone through in the last two, just living in New York. You're looking at your bank account every few six months. Look, what the fuck is happening? Guys, no matter what you do now, George, how much money you spend the week, not even on groceries, I'm a little shit. Remember, you know, you spent a hundred bucks on groceries. You got eight bags, but everything else was small. Everything else was small. We go to the city and park. It's at least. Okay. And I got to walk up steps and stand there while they get your car with 18 other donkeys. So it's not like it used to be that we just got groceries or mortgage in the car payment. Insurance. Everything is big now. You get a fucking milkshake. It's 10 bucks. You go to carve out, get two milkshakes in a Sunday, 28 bucks, bro. The party is over. So that's what you're looking at. It's like when you're trying to lose weight. People like, well, you know, I'm going to do it. Listen, have a cheat. When you eat a cheeseburger, it comes with fries and it comes with a large fucking soldering. You can't get away from it. But you can eliminate the secondary calories, which is french fries or ketchup or a fucking 16 ounce coke with sugar in it. Instead of maybe drinking a diet coke or a water. That's the same thing with life now. Everything is high around you. You go fucking get a pair of socks. You go to fucking calls. Everything calls is fucking you now. You know, I love calls. They always give me a coupon to make me feel like whatever I spent, they helped me fucking. So I love calls, but go go go get a past sneakers. Go get a past sneakers. Look at the dingy sneakers they got. 70 bucks. At least. So you're getting killed kids. These people have eight kids. Just so poor. The fucking bats. I don't even repeat these things to you. I'm embarrassed what they want for a kid's bat. Then it'll last like, what one season? I like to see whatever. It's just guys. We live in a society now that everything. You remember you paid 400 for a plane ticket. That's a lot of money. George. That's a lot of money for a fucking plane ticket. But you get to the airport, your water, three dollars. You bring a sandwich. Do that now. Your water seven eight. And then I'll take cash. They want to eat the M card. You know, when I go for tacos and whatever, there's still 20 bucks, but it's four breakfast tacos and a fucking juice. The juice is seven bucks. I will say that when you go to Austin, yeah, make sure you get that pressed, squeezed, armor issues. And the fucking grapefruit is off the chain. Because I'm not I'm not I'm flying back from from Dallas. I should stop before I leave the airport in Austin and get a taco. Well, you fly it from Austin to no, I'm driving from Austin to Dallas. When you land there get a taco. It's 10 o'clock, right? With time you land something like that. They'll be ready to go. Okay. You're going to land on like gate. What you fly out of the water. JFK, unfortunately. You fucking retail. They only they don't have nonstop. Newark does. I don't want to go to Newark. Well, fucking 10. I'm doing the doves poker thing. So I have to be there early. Yeah, you go to Austin. What we talking about? Just about you said the tacos at the Austin Airport. Yeah, before you know, when you get to the hotel now, you're hungry. You got to leave the hotel always stop at the fucking airport right there by gate 25. Okay. Another gate gate 23 around there. I remember the walk up and they have to stand with the steak tacos. They got a new taco. They got a taco, scrambled eggs with tortilla chips in it. Mm-hmm. A little to all Jesus Christ. I will say that like when you find a place that still has decent deals, I'm loyal as a mother. I'll go there every day now.
Taco place, we had an LA around the corner with the fucking potato tacos. It's like a dollar, dollar, a box. You just get the guy at 20. Go and leave him make a. The milk juice is, uh, go. Yeah, when you go to horse and that street tacos to a box, take 50, go. It's not like I'm giving you 50 bucks to come back with a fucking cheeseburger. Yeah, I'm giving you fucking 50 bucks to come back with a suitcase. 40 tacos, 40 fucking tacos, a 50 bucks with a little containers, the bean and cheese. I can eat four of those. I love the bean and cheese. Oh, that's all day long, all day fucking long. How do they not have edibles in Texas? They don't have no marijuana. That's crazy. They just basically got gambling. I don't know if they passed them as we, it's the calcium. It's like the you, you're buying a future. I don't even know how they, it's a real. So yeah, you know, now that's what kills us as Americans is that we have. No way to turn every time we turn, it's more fucking expensive. Look at you. You just got your windshield broken this weekend. There's even when you're not trying to spend money. I mean, I'm sure insurance cover, not, but then your insurance goes up a part of it. They fucking, again, welcome. I just switched medical insurances. I got to lose three doctors. No, I got to go to a different P T welcome to life. Welcome to fucking life, but I have to use the special halo. Would I say how much they want for that in hell? How much every four weeks? How many figures you can, five, five, 65, a fucking month? Why could breathe easier? Is that, and that's with insurance? That's crazy. So guess what I'm doing Thursday. I'm going to add doctors off to the steel sample. I already touched them and told them I'm not, I'm not doing it. Yeah, because he's the one that switches to breathe it. Okay. And it's better. They have a breakfast one and then one in the daytime. If you get stuck, they want five, 65 for both of those. Which 11 hundred bucks would be to get two of those a month. Guys, guys, I had a friend, I'm not going to have a friend. His wife's medication every month was 1800 a month and insurance will cover. Oh gosh. But then he go work at Costco. That insurance covers you and you're sibling because the girl I know at Costco. She's like 65. She retired and went to work at Costco. Yeah, because the insurance is fucking unreal. Our husband has a medication like that, like 2000 a month picked it right up zero. Good for them, but you don't know. You don't know what insurance you're getting. You know, this is 3000 a month insurance and then it covers. We live in a fucking country where I'm paying $3,000 a month for three fucking people. And I'm in a union. So who's the fucking asshole here? And I'm in a legit fucking union. You thought so, yeah, I thought so. That protects their old people. I thought so, but no. Now he's 6000 a year. I paid for insurance a lot. And then you would think that would cover something. I figured with that kind of money, I could walk in and say, fix me. I'm retarded. Fixed the eye, fix the toe. Just keep me here till we get out. Don't throw you out of the hospital so fast. Now, daughter, you could have a heart transplant. You ready to go home, bitch, but then again, you don't want to stay there. Anyway, right? At least show me that you care for me a little bit. We live in a society that they don't care for you at all. You're flying tomorrow. What's that plane ticket running? Probably five to six. I would imagine at least that same plane ticket in the summer. Used to be 240 to 80. Oh, yeah. Are you paying five? The hotel's one a night, right? And probably one, two bills on that one. Yeah, no, no, it's between us probably closer than two. Yeah, two three hundred because you don't want people just walking into your hotel room. You know, you get a motel six now. I can blow that lock with my finger, but it's even, but at least at the motel six, you know what you're getting garbage. And you get those little towels. They won't even dry my balls. Those little towels don't like this. They give you three of those. Like they have people motel six where people don't take showers. They don't care about showers. It's homeless people. Well, that God knows what else, but all those low level hotels now, I mean, listen. Let's talk about Tennessee. I go to Tennessee. I'm going to fucking sweep a 300. Really? I was just in Virginia outside of Richmond, Virginia, paid 250 for a regular room. But like even the motel six is, I don't think are that cheap anymore. When I drove from Massachusetts to California, I would stop and get a hotel. I was like a hundred bucks a night at like a holiday. There's none of that anymore. What about all they expressed? Don't they? Yeah. What 200? Like I told you guys eight years ago on this podcast and I'll stress it again. If you have two children today in the American society, you're fucked because that's the worst number. That's four Yankee tickets. Yeah, four plane tickets at a nickel a piece. And they sit you in the back. So your kids got to sit next to a stranger. That hasn't taken a shower in two years. You know, you got to assume somebody who puts their feet up when they're fed a dirty. I'm on the chair in front of them. That's what you're flying with now in the back. And you're still paying 600 500. Which one of you guys would tell me you want a ticket? But if you want to sit close to the window, they charge your next to 70 bucks. Yeah, 56 bucks to sit next to a window. 10 years ago, George. Was that existing? No. No, you got your bags are free. Well, it's a middle seat. The middle seat is free. Who wants to sit in the middle seat and fly more than two hours? You know, it's a surprise flight. You don't know who's going to be next to you. Would you would you fly if you had they put you in the middle seat? I wouldn't as even if I lose weight, I would a middle seat. I would rather not go. I need to be able to have one side. Although, yeah, no, like Southwest, you just sit there like a monk. You don't even have the elbow thing. They even took those away now. So you sit like this, like you dead in the fucking cemetery. I think it was when we were going to Vegas to shoot your Netflix special. I was at like almost my heaviest, probably my heaviest. And I was so fat that this guy moved and took the middle seat. So I could get the the aisle because I was going to crush his mom. It's the only open seat. I'll never forget that he gave it up. And I was like, no, you can please, like I need to hold child for four to July long be child. Yeah, what did you lie? I was like, fuck it. We'll drive home. Yeah, we'll leave the seventh drive home. What's the fireworks here, which I'm not going to watch anyway. No, I drove back to see fucking a rainstorm. That's it. So you have to pick what you want to do from now on, man. You ever go to lunch. Don't look at your lunch, Bill. For 20 years, I paid $5, $6 for Chinese lunch with the soup. The ice cream, the fortune cookie, a salad, the fucking calm, the brush your head. I gave you shoes, you know, now go for Chinese food for lunch, 22 dollars. At least one or two bucks for the basic little cup of rice with the fucking, you know, whatever you order. So prepare guys. If this is a big preparation, fucking game, I know like obviously you can't. But there's a huge thing now. Like people moving to like Thailand, other places. Could you, Matt, would you ever do that? Like if you had the ability to, would you, could you, would you leave the country? At this point of my life, maybe. Yeah, at this point in my life, 60th, I already gave America the biggest shot of anybody. I've been here. It's not like I'm, I'm leaving because not. I'm leaving because I would go to something different. You want to see something different? Maybe England spoke to already a day in England. He's liking it. Yeah, you dig a man, you know, nice and different, a different view. So at least you have a basic understanding of what's going on here. Hmm. There's people who are retiring to cruise ships. It costs them less money to live on a cruise ship forever. Food, everything's covered rather than have, and they have doctors rather than living in apartment. It breaks my heart when I go somewhere and there's like an 70 year old woman as a server. It's like that I can't imagine. No, well, listen, always remember one thing. There's people who retire at 65 and that dead by 67. That's, yeah. You let me tell you some just my lifestyle, fucking brutal. Brutal, if I wasn't lazy, I'd be up here every day, but I'm lazy. I know nothing's really going to change except me dropping an extra 100 bucks a day by coming up here. Right. You know, it's brutal up down there. I've said this a thousand times. I love it. I love my neighborhood. It fits its purpose. But who do I hang out with down there? Yeah. You're not an able to call me Fridays.
if I'm gonna go to Chinese food. I spend the first time in two or three years. Nobody calls me to do nothing. They ain't about my daughter, but me and my wife, we're 20 years old, and everybody else. Plus, I just don't, you know, there's things I wanna do and there's things I don't wanna do. But that place down there is fucking boring. But it suits who I am now. I'm not 28, I'm not 48. I'm a grown fucking man. How much? Listen, I go do the improv on a Wednesday. I gotta stay in fucking Thursday night. All right, and we get out of there at nine o'clock. That's a long drive. It's a long night. You know, it's not what it used to be, but still. It's fucking quiet down there. So when you get older, the big beef they have, is that you get bored. That's what they tell you to buy as fucking dog. And the dog do this, do that. My life, I don't wanna walk around with a fucking dog. I'm back at this point in my life, I can't make a dog my best friend. That would really break my heart. If I only talked to a dog, a 10 year old, and his mom, every fucking day. Yeah. But like, if I would rather be bored, then like there's like old people living in their cars. There's a lot of people. There's, I see a lot of like, homes old people. They're living, like they're, I can't, like, I get that you're bored and you wanna have something to do in the day, that's fine. But having to go. I'm not saying me. I know you. We're talking about 70 year old waiters. So you wanted to sit home and mens wetters. And while daytime television, there's some people who cut out for that. But there's some people like, I try to put the TV on the daytime. It doesn't work. I don't hear it. I don't hear it. I don't hear it. I'm hearing you're a sack of shit. Your mother sucks. That's what I'm hearing. So then I put the TV on at one, just even New Jersey 12. I'll put the New Jersey 12 on at once. See what the weather is in a few hours. Like, I don't even like, I can't sit in front of it. I got to wait for the weather in my office. And once I hear the skinny gay guy, I run in there. And I watch the weather. But besides that, I can't sit in front of a TV. No. So there's some people. I know a lot of people over 65. And there's still no work for us. Some of them fucked up. Some of them had McGregor, Saturday night, you know. But some of them, I just bored people that go, hey, if I do this three nights a week, I make 300 bucks. And I get away from my husband. Yeah. You got away from my wife for three nights a week, you know, it's just an expression. Nobody wants to get away from their wife. Well, their husband, some people do. But yeah, you're done. You don't want to sit down and watch. Jeopardy. Every fucking night and go, oh, he's talking about the word friend. I don't want to do that, don't you know? I don't want to go to a bar, either. That's the other thing. Right. I got a strip club by my house. You got to break my leg to go in there. Every night I drive past, like, I'm going to go in there for a headache and for what? To feel embarrassed. You go in there. They're all 20. You're 60. What are you there to do? You know, you're not there to watch. You're not there to fucking watch the World Cup. You're going to try to scam on a 20-year-old. I'm not in the mood for that right now. So I just go home. Yeah. I'm too old to deal with a 20-year-old. You know, I love Drake. You know, I'm not going through that shit right now. I'm too old for that. No. So my options are low. And I tell you what I can do. What's that? Comedy. Fuck yeah. How was the improbable fun? That's a great little club, man. Listen, and that's why I started doing comedy. Mm-hmm. Because even if I'm not doing comedy, I'm thinking about shit to talk about. And at least it takes my mind away for a few hours. Listen, guys. One night to a week. I wait a little bit. Go on my ride. I smoke. I call a couple of you guys. I come home. And I go, I can't sit in front of this television. So I got to go on a computer room, and I'd rather read on peptides and sit down and watch this stupid computer. I don't know. I don't know what else to do. But my point is, is you get older. Your options run out. Now, if I drink, I'd be the master of fucking disaster at my age. Oh. Could you, could you see yourself drinking, like, going out and have it up? I tried it. Let me tell you what happened Friday night, motherfuckers. Oh, no. Didn't do nothing all day. I had to stop taking these syllables because they make me too hungry at night, and I'm tearing into shit that's just, you know, two weeks away in the old bag of cherries. Not the pound bag, but the big one. I got up at five in the morning. It was like a rocket flow out of my ass. It was pink in there. It took everything out. It's fiber. I don't think you're looking at it. You have to look at it. You don't have to. Yes, you do have to see what comes out of your ass. So it could be a pool of blood and you're walking around. I didn't want to look at it. You got the exorcist living in your tub. You don't want to look at your ass hole. So Friday night, my wife and my daughter went to see Greece at some school. One of our friends' kids. I'm not going to see no high school theater with my heart and that's about the kids. Anyway, it's not about me. I got my fucking car and went for a ride. I had a joint in me. I'm like, "Where do I really want to mind and move to eat? And where do I really want to sit tonight and waste my fucking time?" I drove around for 20 minutes. It was not a place I wanted to go into. I said, "You know what? Let me go down a freehold." And I went to 618. I walked into 618. My man Ed was there. He gave him a big hug. The bartender goes, "How are you doing?" He goes, "Do you want one of your gun drinks?" And I only go in there. I go, "We three months." But the last time I went in there, the gun drink was a pistachio martini. But it's whipped. Okay. And then some of the fat fucking olives that taste alcohol, it was, I just tasted it. I'm like, "Oh, shit. Give me one of those." It was delicious. Nothing happens. I could drink ten of those. Nothing's going to happen. Yeah. And then I ordered the little crab cakes just to get out of the house. I could eat at the house. I could have got a piece of sushi. I just want to get out of the house. I didn't want to go to a place I had went to before. So I said I had my crab cakes and I finished that drink. Fucking yummy. It was red. Good fucking. Sometime in it, right? So I asked him for the check. He comes back, "Guys, I only smoked that day. I got up and my world stopped. My head froze. I was like, "Oh, shit. I'm fucked up." Nothing I was walking over the line or falling, nothing like that. I just knew I was on. When I got up, three women came over and they told me about their husbands that they liked me on a podcast. I'm like, "Yeah, yeah. Great. But I got to go." And I just walked out that door. I got to my truck. I had to sit there 15 minutes. I was so fucking high on whatever he gave me. So before I left, I looked at him and I go, "Hey, what'd you put in there?" And he goes, "That's Jose with blended fruit." So basically, it was wine, but that sugar took it right into the bloodstream. And boy, as I fucked up, 15 minutes, it was like a little head rush. After 15 minutes, I just started to cough. So what would you like me to start drinking? Because if I have two drinks, I'm getting a DUI and I'm taking eight cars with me. So there's no way. You could Uber, fuck that, you know? I could lie to you and say, "Oh, but. " And then my brother called me, rescue Lorenzo, just eat that, and he breathed. And he breathed. I had to drive to his house and check on him. "Uh, what are you doing?" I kept saying, "Put the pipe away." And he's like, "What pipe? I ain't got the pipe." And he breathed. And I'm like jealous. Like in a way, I'm kind of jealous, and he could go out and get drunk. And I had one sip of a fucking rosé with fruit drink. And I'm fucked up. You understand me? Holy shit. Yeah, it's crazy to me that you even have the idea to go to a bar and get a drink. I don't think you did that one time in L.A. The only place I remember you drinking was the ice house, and you get the fruity frozen drinks. Yeah, before the comedy show. Yeah. And that's it. And you get like one. But I always told you there was no place to sit in L.A. except Dan Tanners. Okay. There was really no places that cater to you like in Jersey. In Jersey, you can set up the chair, or you can set up the bar, you know? And I like the bar because it's, I don't have to put up with, you know, do you want fresh water, sparkling water, or water from the huts, and listen, I'm already aggravated. Least asked you for a menu, and I already got a Citiate minutes, and the bread's not here. And you want to ask me what water. So before I get involved, I like going to the bar because the bartender is always there. You can always put your order in. The bar, you know, when I came here with like an, I don't know, 10, 20 years ago, Mike Petoli took me to a place in Friol. And Fort Lee was, we were at 12, 30 at night, and they were serving. I'm not talking about serving like a cheeseburg with onion rings. No, they were serving like fucking real food. Not the big kitchen, but appetizers, but those appetizers were fucking fantastic. You used to do that in LA, right? Yeah. Yeah, appetizers that are just delicious, that are healthy, you know, I don't have to eat fucking onion rings with a cheeseburger. Again. So I like that, I like that place, I don't have to eat that shit food, but if I go into your place at chance on the weekends, you go in there 11, I would get steak on a steak Would it drink a zombie?
I told you over to you went to the city and got that eight ball of coke right from chance direct. It was a 20 minute ride from chance right to the spot and right back. They wouldn't even know you were gone. Your two fucking sticks on the stick would still be sitting at the poople platter. Oh my God. Would you ever do that? What? Go get coke and go back to it like a restaurant. We used to do that. That's why I'm saying that. That was the bar. For me, that and there was a North Bergen kid who was working at bar and fortley and he begged this. Please guys don't do cocaine here. Shit. And then we kept them there and went for the city that night and came back at two, three, three in the morning because they were all up here. It's very close for Lee. Yeah, the bridge is right there. Dude, you don't like you would just or spent a long time talking. We don't like leaving that. I can't imagine you going out like multiple times a night to getting to get drugs. I can just hear you and tell you fucked up drug. It makes you do different things. And that's what I didn't mind. You're high. As long as I know, I'm going to get a package in the city. I'm committed. I'll go over there. Fuck the car. That three. Once you got a 12 packing, you're ready and 10, 8 balls. You don't get about tops or speeding or you know, you just don't give a fuck. You think I'm going to take out my fentanyl test of three in the morning and test it. That thing's going down. Do you think people tested because it's about a week and then they lose the fentanyl. It falls or all that shit's just a gimmick. It's like, I would be mad about the money I'm wasting. Well, in the bars in New York, they give you they have fentanyl test now. Okay. Couple bars. I heard they have package like you could buy them for like 10 bucks at the bar. Thank God. And people test a coke and fentanyl. I don't want to snuck coke and have to have that thing because I know by four, that thing is going to be off the window. It's just another, you know, I used to get the dub barrel shotgun. That was a piece of glass that had two tubes connected to your nose connected to one tube and you scooped the bag of coke and you went and they hit you like a fucking nummy times I sat on those things with my backpack. Did you cut yourself all the time? I go home twice a week with a bloody ass. Oh my God. And do you think like let's say you deep in your coke days and you had a tester and it said positive for fentanyl. What do you take it to? I'm giving it to Nick first to see what I just Nick come over here. Do this one. Oh my God. You didn't do one. I did it before. God do that one. If Nick falls over, I just hit the door. That's it. Nobody knows nothing. You don't mind one of the car. There's a kid up there acting funny. He's bleeding from his nose. I don't know nothing. At least you called. Would you ever? I know the answer's going to be no. But like let's say you bought some fucked up shit from a drug dealer, whether it's fentanyl or like baby powder, you ever go to the came in. You gotta give me my money back. You gotta give me different stuff. Or if you get fucked, you get fucked. I think in the 30s, five years or whatever I did blow, I probably got fucked twice. One was in Hollywood, Bull of Blood. I was trying to bike crack. He gave me like fucking soap and shit. I was pissed. It was my last 20 dollars. I needed that fucking crack. I went back. I went back there looking for this motherfucker. I didn't see him. I was pissed. Oh, because I broke for a while. I used to do all this coke and I used to drive home at night on Ivar. Those suck, those side streets instead of taking sunset. And I would see these three black guys standing on the corner every night and I pull up and they look at me. And I look at them, you know what I'm saying? And this happened for about three months or one night. I said, if I couldn't find coke, I said, fuck it. I get some crack from those guys. I went over there. You guys got crack. Yeah, 2010. I brought that shit home. I was smoking out of a can. Terry was asking me what's burning in there and shit. What's that smell? Nothing. Nothing. Go back to bed. I mean, with a lighter, dirty fingers and shit. So after I did crack for about eight weeks, I was hooked on crack. That's why I had to do crack. And then I went to pass on. There was no crack. So I went back to snort and coke. I never smoked crack again. It was like an eight week little trial period. I did with crack. What up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, at 63 years old, Coco is back and feeling like a bad mother. Fuck that. Your uncle Joey's energy has been through the roof lately, even with the bum leg has 63. I got to tell you something. 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Sign up and get 10% off right now 10% off at betterhelp.com slash Diaz Diaz that's better H E L P dot com slash Diaz. I want to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring the church. I like you know as a fat guy like I like to say like oh I'm addicted to food this and that. I think drugs are a little bit because there's a lot of it's like you're talking about shit that I would never if I ran out of stuff like okay I'm out. Listen we're addicted to french fries. Yeah and it's four in the morning you're fucked. Uh-huh. Right? Yeah. When we're addicted to coke we find it. We won't go home but we find we will find it. We will find it. Damn. When I had four drug dealers before I left LA for when I was doing coke for so nobody would know what I was doing and it was very rare that those three guys I couldn't get a hold of them. Three of them I used regularly. The fourth guy lived on western by the fucking Mexican place where you go in there and Mexicans are in there. You know he's like called in Hollywood. Yeah in Hollywood we ran on sunset by Apple and John Western. There's like uh uh you know one of those hard west stores is a big one and then across the street over here there's is it where I want to pick up Mexicans to work for you. Home Depot. Home Depot. The Home Depot though had a Mexican truck there since I had to serve food to Mexicans you couldn't fuck around. They had some carne asada in that motherfucker. I would go to Home Depot just to eat at the truck. Broke and it was like five bucks delicious. Yeah but I met a guy at El Compadre that told me one time. Anytime you want coke just come to sunset western you'll find me. I'm like what are you talking about? Do I whistle? He goes down on that. Just drive around. You'll see me after a few minutes guys. He was not lying. I would head off there at three paranoid because that's far out of my circle. Western sunset. Right? It was far. Yeah. And man I would drive around, go down to Hollywood, shoot back up to the side street and there he was. Sometimes on a bicycle. Sometimes he was just walking. Some nights I'd be at a light and he would just run up to the car. Hey hey and I'd open the window all his shit and before I could say a word he put a coke rock in my nose to make sure I was in the top. Before I could say a word he would just every time every time you're like what the fuck how much you want quick quick quick 50 bucks he wouldn't even wait he just take a rock out and you got to drive home like this like my little coke rock like a melting in my hand. Yeah. I would just find he would just find me never called them Never knew it.
number. And why didn't you want to go out like further or use the Western was far. I'm surprised you weren't driving all over it was. The one co-deal of lived on. You know what the water burgers is? In and out? No, no, no. The fucking wallbergs. I don't have a stand. They had a hot hamburger place to wallbergs. I forget the street now. He was there, which was two blocks from anywhere I lived in Hollywood. I had the Armenian was up which we hung out at Elkhun Padre and I could call him and go up to Glendale. And then I had Martal Cartel. No, that's Dante money. And then I had the white guy. They used to call him a certain name. John Blaze. His name was John, but they called him John Blaze because he had a motorcycle. He had the worst coke. No, I had another guy too. That was a comedian that had a really bad coke between and they were friends. If I didn't want to get in the car and go to that dude's house and I would just call John Blaze, but I have to wait till 215. He had to go off. He bartended. And he would come to my house with a motorcycle. And one night he was delivering me coke at four in the morning with talk and I'm paranoid. He's shit. And I was like, right there on that block before sunset. His car is doing like 90. By the way, I'm saying Hollywood right at the side street. Not sunset. Just did 90 and another cop was shooting at him. Damn. And we were like, right time to go upstairs. That's fucked up. An addiction to drug. Listen, a couple weeks when I did Rogan and we spoke about me putting chlorina on my dick. Yeah. I would go to the piss test. What would possess you to do that? Not going to jail. No. No. It's an addiction. I didn't want to go to jail. So I didn't want to give my heart because I'm having to stop smoking coke. But what else would made you put dick like, you know, would drain on your dick? What makes you do these things? What makes a 27 year old kid drink a bottle of vinegar? White wine vinegar. We Gatorade. That's addiction, man. That's not good. That's not good. So people always say, I'm addicted to food. No, you're not because you're not eating cheeseburgers at two in the morning and then going to bed for two hours and waking up before and then getting up at six and eating another cheeseburger. I yeah, I did some fucked up shit, but the drugs thing. I did. I did. I trust me. There were times and it's so boring as a food guy. I'm like, I was just about to say like it like four in the morning you go get talk about after you had dinner. It's not good, but it's it's a lot easier and more like I can just go to any store, any drive through. I've never once in my whole life done anything with the drug dealer. I've done time to drop by like every story I hear about people dealing with drug dealer sounds terrible. They don't think of the phone. They're never there. They're family. They're family. That's not what I've heard for people. I was going to cook for 18 years. I still talk to the Armenian. I still talk to Black D on a regular. Black D calls me. How you doing? What's going on with acting? You know, they were my friends and then my ugly addiction, you know, but we were never on bad terms. Like who he was always a good drug dealer. I don't think that's normal though. It is normal because I was a Coke fiend, not an occasional user. So now I was a regular. I was a regular. He could count on me the call five nights a week. Some nights I didn't have money. He could get this, but he still give it to me. But he ever give you a deal? Or is it price the price? Price is the price. Okay. But you know, I met them all so I called out. They got handcuffed. They got robbed at gun sight when I went over there to cop and told me they were out that they couldn't get drug for a few days. And I was living at Ralphie's building. We were fucking around one night. And I found this little gun over there. And I just had it over there. I didn't know what I was going to do. It was found a gun in a fucking mirror. Like you take the screws off the mirror and the mirror came off. And there was two guns and some ammunition in there. Ralphie took one. I took the other one. I think Ralphie took like the 22 or some shit like that. You're just saying this like it's a normal. Dude, if I took a mirror off the ball found a gun, I would call the police. Like it's a real fact. You keep that shit. What do you mean? You don't call the police? What are they going to do? What am I going to do with it? That's a murder gun. Good for them. No, you just found a gun. So that's what I did. I didn't know what to do with it. I gave them the gun. They love me after that. I said, take this. Don't let people rob you no more. Really? Yeah. Shoot them. So drug dealers do. We're talking about you. That sounds terrible. Do you ever have a drug dealer get caught like in the police catch them? My luckiest day. They get caught. My bill is erased. But at the time they get out, nobody's going to talk to them because they're hot. So when you see them on Broadway, I don't know what happened to that money. I left them in your mailbox. They had a rate. They probably got it. That's fucked up. George knows. George used to do creepy things. He knows. That's a creepy giggle. Holy shit. Creepy shit. I know you know why I'm very happy to be out of that world. Why are we willing when I get up? I go, thank God. I'm worried about comedy. I'm worried about my weights on my nears. So I got to pick my daughter up at two or I'm not worried about getting up, drinking water, smoking a cigarette and going. Where am I going to get 50 bucks to get this party started today? And this is mostly a joke. But like even when that times were bad, do you ever think about not going back to like doing coke but going back to selling it? Like, can you imagine selling it right now? No, this is 2004, 2005. I didn't have the capacity to sell it because I was living with Terry. There was no way she wasn't going to find out. And I could not bring cocaine. It was her apartment. So there was no way I was going to sell it. I was just a consumer, man, at the end. I just wanted to do it. I'd figure it out how to get my hands on it. And that was the only thing about it. What I couldn't fucking start selling coke at the comedy store because I wasn't going to be a coke dealer. I was going to be a comic. The cocaine was one of the hobbies I had that was not a good hobby. Some people collect butterflies. Some people, you know, go to museums. I was throwing coke. But eventually, those are my two things in life. Those are my favorite. If I had a go down in the order before my daughter mercy, it was cocaine, comedy, very tight. And getting my dick sucked on cocaine was my third hobby. Everything else didn't matter. I don't know what you're talking about. The Jets. Back then, I wouldn't even put football along. I'm in the hotel room. I'm living in hotel rooms across the country. I don't have time to watch football, but that was my life. It was cocaine, stand up, and it was tight, but not as I loved cocaine a little bit more than doing comedy. Right. But then the love for doing comedy beat that shit. So it was like a war the whole time. And then since I can't do coke no more, I couldn't go to these towns and pick up crazy chicks at a comedy club in '69 with them and coke rocks. And they're as whole lick it, you know. So everything I loved died except for comedy prevailed. Thank God. If anything was going to stick around over those three. What? If anyone was going to stick around out of those three. Thank God, he chose comedy. It's usually it shows me. That's fucked up. Yeah. What do you mean by that? And before I was getting, listen, there was a time it was cocaine, get my dick sucked and robbing people. That was my all time favorite was seeing people's faces when they were like fuck with me. And like a week later, something was missing from their house. And I could go over and go, what happened? Oh, somebody came out. Come on. And it was me the whole time. I'm fucking dying. All time favorite. Yeah, it was robbing people. Oh, loved it. As choice. God, he's by witness loved it. I had to wake up every day and rob something from somebody. So some days it was small. Some days was a wall. It was 30 in it. But some days I could bump into a thousand. I just broke. I lived a George in 85. I put a suit on every morning. And I just walked from building to building. Just open office door. Hey, how you doing? Is Nick here? Nick don't want to hear me times. I open those office doors. There was a purse. And nobody in there. He went to the bathroom, left that purse or deposit bag or the deposit bag for the business. That's all I would do. I would just go from building to building. Dental offices. How are you doing? No, I was thinking I'm my soldier. Let me talk to the dentist right away. We got my head over the fucking desk. And I was just going to pick up one envelope to rob something bigger. From my day, I always had a start with like a small tab and then en route. Then I would eat something. And then I would be more, you know what I'm saying? More precise. But that's what I used to do from like 84.
Till I ended in San Francisco I was doing it. I was just getting dressed up in the morning with a suit on. They don't expect the guy with a suit on. - They don't expect to get robbed. No, expect to get robbed by a guy who's neat, nice suit, iron shirt, and his hair. And he slept the night before. - What do you think, like, were you looking fucked up? - You didn't have the suit on? - No, you didn't look. - I'd walk in and be very charming. - I was looking for neck ascolise. We don't have a neck here. Let me look in the back. Yeah, you do that. Why would you look in the back? There's no neck here. It's amazing where you can convince people. I robbed Kentucky Fried Chickens. I robbed one of those cookies. - How do you rob a cookie chick? Kentucky Fried Chickens and Fort Lea by the fucking movie theaters and we were kids and went to see Rocky there. Yeah, it's still there. - But you're not talking about what's like a gun. - No, they were a stupid kid. I am looking for a job. Well, the manager's not here. But come in the back with me and I'll give you an application. When you go in the back, the safe is open. With the fucking registers lined up, whether you take them out cause you're there at nine o'clock, like a soldier. You're looking for a job. - Fuck. Do you think you were addicted to robbing people? - Loved it. Make my heart beat, my ears would go numb. Especially if I had to kick a window and go into the house. Oh, I loved all that shit. Kicking a window out of a door and just flying in there like a superhero. - No wonder you're bored now. - Yeah. - What are you? - Yeah. Super fucking bored. - Oh my god. - I've been bored since 19, 2007. Once I stopped snorting coke, life just got boring. I lived the schmuck life like everybody else. I can't real them watching. But I, I get coke and I get pussy. - But the excitement of robbing people. - But the excitement always together. It all worked hand in hand. I was robbing drug dealers and I was robbing your grandmother. - No, I'm not, yeah. - And I was robbing businesses who didn't come out of you. - Listen, this is a safe space. There's no judgment here. I'm just, I'm more talking about like the anxiety I would have of, are they gonna catch me? Are they gonna come back into the cops and they get me? - You don't know what it's like. No, to rob something, stop and get weed. Get into a whole tower room 'cause you're living like a doctor. You just made 2000. You're in the city, you know. Only there for one night, like Mr. Diaz here. You know, you got no money. You got 1800, you robbed the gas station. Dude, but just that night alone after I shot it and I got dinner. Like I realized, I think how I felt. I like that feeling. I enjoyed that feeling of being paranoid that I missed a spot. I leave my fingerprints on my fingerprints on the window. Did somebody see me? It was two or three nights of that. - That sounds a bit you said you'd do it every day, so it's like just every day or more anxious. - But if I rob something big, like I was, when I leave here at night, I got to go on totally out of them, take whatever and make a left by day queen, by a whole chance. There's an appliance store on the corner there. I remember one day I was delivering for them. A buddy of mine had the job and he needed a helper for the day. I was just there for the day. I'd go on with him, we eat at the fucking diner, whatever that is, the Yankee diner, Yankee tower, we go to some place. I think I filled them in like three times. All three times I robbed something big. So one time we went to drop like a refrigerator at all and another appliance store and they had the deposit bag out. And I think I got them for like three G's. Once you checked for three G's and cash. We got back to the furniture store, they're like, "Guys, did you happen to rob?" And we're like, "No." "Did you do it?" "Did you buy a chance?" - And I would mic-run it. He'd always take the blame from it. So he'd go, "No, I didn't." And then we were alone, "Did you really rob him, Joey?" "No, I wouldn't tell him anything." Until we got home that night. And then that night I go, "Are you going out tonight?" "It's 400 bucks." You robbed them, you bad motherfucker. I knew you robbed them. (laughing) Holy shit. - Another time I went in there and went to pick up, we went to pick up something out of place. They left 30 air conditions out. I go, "Mike, I'm not leaving without fire." And he's like, "I'm gonna lose my job." "Mike, I'm taking fire." All right, you better take the fucking blame. I'm not taking the blame for you, though. He was talking, and I kept loading air conditioners in it. They were like those portable air conditioner. I put about 20 in there. Everybody on county boulevard bought one of those air conditions. The number one guy, Nick, Nick bought two. 100 bucks a piece. We didn't even take him home, don lock him. We just drove him right there, fucking county boulevard. Hashtray bought one. Somebody at the store bought one for their fucking office. Before that night, air conditioners were gone. The ones you plug in and just slip into a window real easy. It was even a light one. How do you think I was loading them by myself? - Dude. I can't fathom how nervous, and doing coke, which I've heard makes you nervous. It's not like a. - But when I was robbing, I wasn't doing coke. I was always on the up and up. 'Cause I wanted to be in the game. - But what about like the next day, or that night? - Well, that night I get coaxed up, but I'm not robbing, no, but I'm getting coaxed up. - Yeah, but that's when you're nervous. It's after the. - Yeah, but once you start talking to somebody at the bar and they got you back, and it's easy. And then the next day you wake up, you hung over, so you're not gonna steal that day. But you're not gonna steal until that money starts running low. - But that's what I. - And once you get down to a pot, my man's good fellow is when he goes, we rod, and when that money ran out, we rod. We rod, we rod, we rod. And that's the level you're working at. Every once in a while I go, I can't keep doing this. I'll get a job, and then I get a job in training. I just go, I'm not doing this for eight bucks an hour. And sure enough, there was always a deposit bag somewhere. So I took that to go. They didn't even have my real name. I used all those, what was that? There was a chain in Fort Lee and Cliffsside, like a. You know, it's the same restaurant. And I applied there for a sous chef, and the guy's like, nah, nah, nah, nah. We're gonna make you a chef. I went there for like three days, had me cut your shirt. And on the way out one day there it was, the register was right there for poppin'. I just cleaned them out and left. And my embarrassed, there was no cameras back there. No, can Lee not even a fuckin' itch of a fuckin' camera. So they couldn't quite remember going in San Francisco. I went to the American bartender school in New York. And I got to San Francisco, I can't find a job. One day I go, fuck it. And I looked through the yellow pages of American bartender school and it's right in downtown San Francisco, maybe a mile from where I live. I was flat broke, I walked over there. And I went upstairs like an animal with a shirt and a suit. I'm like, I been here for three months and you guys haven't got me a job, bro. But at the time I got back to the hotel, the hotel gave me slips, but you got like three interviews. One, I never forgot this. And one was for a Mexican bar, guys, that was the size of this fuckin' block. And in 1985, I could not get a job. Walk in, I asked for Chucho, whatever his name is. I still remember his name, he gives me the application, I fill it out. That comes up to me and he goes, listen, I'm not a look of a bartender's right now, you know? He goes, where'd you work before? I had all these fake New York City corkies. Anybody I knew, I would just put them down. When he lifted the application up, he looked at something. And he goes, can you give me a minute? And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, just sit over there, you want water or anything? And I go, yeah, yeah, I'll take a walk. God comes back and he goes, that's the weirdest thing. I'm in this country for 30 years. And I've never met somebody who's got my name. And I go, what's your name? And he goes, I go, I'm Cuban, you Cuban, and he goes, yeah. And I go, I'm from West New York, old shit. We started talking about, my bike goes broke. I'll hire you in a drop of a hat, but I ain't got nothing for you right now. But I got a restaurant on the other side of town, they're gonna hire you today. Let me call them, let me call them. And he goes, they're hired to give you two bartenders shifts and two door man shifts. And it was at the Haydash Berry, Rock and Robin, fucking legendary place, I just lucked out. Crazy. I got fired from there too, after about two months and shit. I hit the guy with the cassette deck, but fucking, that same day, like before, that same, like I went and got that job, but I still had an interview the next day after the Italian, fancy restaurant in North San Francisco. It was like at nine in the morning. I told you, and I went in there with a suit. And I'm like, Nick, Nick, George, Nick. And then I found myself in the office, Nick. Fucking the doors are right open, the office, and the safe was right open. Dog, I proceeded to start taking cash, cash, cash, cash. Not much in county, I motherfucking left rolls of quarters and shit, everything was gone. When I walked out, my suit was twisted. I had to take quarters out from this side to balance it. Kathy, Kathy King is like, look at me, she's like, what's going on, I go, just keep moving, we rob the joint. She goes, no way, we just got on the bus. There was a bus coming, I go, get on the bus. We just got on the bus, and I'm just sitting in the back.
I was like, two grand, you know, but to me, that was a million dollars, right? And I'll never forget that we took it all out, she's counting it. We're like in a side seat, we're counting it. I put it away and some kid comes up and he goes, oh, look, I found the $20 bill. I wanted to kill that kid. That was my 20. That was my fucking 20. But I couldn't prove it. I don't want to cause the fuck to fight. I just robbed the guy. But I used to do, that was the luck I had. It was a thieves luck. And it's a low life luck. But I had it. Something was always let me bump into something. It'd be, I'd love to tell you that I wouldn't, I can't imagine I would love to do it. The fucking Robin pussy juice. What? You have, you know, a rash infection, a yeast infection. You know, and all of that or something. All the Puerto Rican girls get those yeast and stuff. You rob minus that seven. So every morning I wake up and I go the safe way. And I'd open up like a fucking case of minus that. And I'd just walk out of that. Walk the bridge with no money. Walk the bridge. No money. And there was no breakfast. There was no sitting down at the fortly dining like a white dude. Straight up, fucking stomach. And all these people want to fast. Well, ain't fast, yeah. When you're a thief, you fast. All right, you fast. Were you in a suit for this too? Yeah, I was like, 'cause I was looking for a car job. But that was part of my scam. For me, if I go look for a job, I'd rob somebody. I have the money, get on buses and shit. So Joy turned me on to minus that seven and an aspirin or something. And they liked town and batteries. I would shop, left them in Jersey and walk over the bridge. Sell them 40 bucks. Punk shit. I'd love to tell you I was getting five grand, but that'd be alive. $48. But for me, $48, I got a $10 bag of weed. And I ate Cuban food on a 78 street, where Joy's left me a few times. 'Cause he had to get busy and shit. And that's it. Now I got 20 hours to walk the city. I wouldn't even take the 8th train. I'd walk from one to the third all the way down to 50th street. I'd just walk with a walkman. I was the happiest pig on earth. Damn. And then his uncle got me a job going into buildings. But I wasn't robbing people then. Because his uncle got me the job. All I had to do was drop a pamphlet off a business. I thank you for phone systems. It'll give me four out of a week, him and his mom. Do people like, does the world still put robbing situations in front of you now? Always. Yeah. I still remember robbing the comic strip. No wonder they won't give me spots. They don't even remember. No, this is 33 years ago. In those days when you went to the comic strip and you want to get on stage, it wasn't bring five people. You had to sell 30 tickets. But they would give you the tickets for $5 a piece and you would sell them for $20. You kept the profit. Well, $15, you kept $10. For me, that's an opportunity. I actually sell the shit out of those tickets. So they will come back on Wednesday. Whoever has the most tickets gets the open mic. They give me like, fucking 20 tickets. That's $10 a piece. That's 300. I ain't going back. That's what you're fucking open. Mike's going to pay me. I would do that shit. Like, not give a fuck because there were so many little things on the resume. I knew I was going to get caught eventually because you could only throw spaghetti against the wall that long. And I had been living that life basically from 81 to the time I got arrested for kidnapping. I could have a job. My life could be going straight. But if I saw a pigeon, he's going down. No matter what's cracking. No matter what is cracking. If I see a pigeon, I don't care if I'm in a monastery. Fucking blending holy water. If I'm the walk to the monastery, I see a nun with two jeans in the pocket. She would go down. And my embarrassed about saying this, I really, really am. But that was my state of mind until I got caught. That's why when I got caught for the prison thing, it didn't bother me. I was like, this has been coming for years. I didn't want it to happen in Colorado. But it was good because if I would have gotten trouble here, I would have got a smack on the hand, people, and guess what? I would have kept doing what I'm doing. But when I went in there, there was nobody to talk to. They didn't care about the Hudson County judge. They didn't give a fuck about the senator from Jersey. You had a gun and you kidnapped somebody. You're doing time. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. That's why I'm sitting here with you motherfuckers because I got caught and don't get me wrong. After I got off the kidnapped and I wasn't kidnapping people, I was still doing drug rips. I was still doing drug rips. If you had drugs for me to rob, I'm robbing you because I was still doing drugs. But I wasn't planning on putting guns to people's heads and nothing like that. You weren't Omar's level. You weren't like at Omar's level. I was almost scared straight. I'm saying like, they almost scared me, but I still was fucking, when I got out of the prison, I think I was the craziest I ever was. I think that if you look at my life now, you look at my life 10 years ago, and you compare it to when I got out of prison for like 89 to 95 in Boulder was the craziest behavior I ever fucking had. Because the coke was, I don't know, I had already two felonies and I had felt like when my mother died, I got two felonies, I'm gonna get the third and guess what? I'm gonna end up doing 25 years in jail. That's how I was looking at life. I'm stuck here on probation, then I got married, then I knocked the chick up so I was always stuck there. But that was part of it. I already felt like I had one foot in the grade, one of the men out of people. Any day away from robbing something, then charging me with the kid, you know, I'm saying this guy didn't see the day of light. He did kidnapping and aggravated robbery. Let's just throw him away. Let's just keep him and he's not a member of society. And I really wasn't. I mean, I'm telling you these things straight to fuck out. There's a member of society, but there's a weird society here. It was an old Hudson County society called Rob. Yeah, that's a, it's crazy how different. That's why when I didn't rob the comedy store that day, I knew I was kind of healed. I knew I was kind of healed and they taught me to struggle more. Because I don't need to rob the comedy store. The struggle is normal. And I should be feeling this way. And yeah, five years ago, I would have taken those eight cases of Jack Daniels and that one bottle of whiskey and taking it to the liquor store, right? When you make the turn off Canyon Boulevard, head into the store. Right. They buy anything from you. But that day knowing that that sticks out in my mind because that's how I felt. Finally, I didn't give in to something. Does it feel better to have money like a legitimate way or was it more fun? It's always more fun to steal money. That's a lot of fun to use stolen credit cards. You don't have to make that payment on the fifth. You walk in there like, yeah. You're speaking French. You don't even know French. You just fucking, you got the AAG. What's that called? It's just telling you what the same issue or come in. You know, all that shit is fun. But I didn't age like right now. I don't have to. I always tell George and everybody else. They don't have the luxury of driving an hour to get pizza. I don't have the luxury to spend time in county jail. Now, article comes right up on the newspaper. They go 30 dates down the, down the, just like that. Just like that. This is a different county society. It's a different county society. It'll take anything. I don't even think Carlos is working. I don't think so. He's doing, I saw him in Vegas. At least I saw poster. But that's it. Yeah, but that was after his arrest. Maybe, but I don't know because he was always posting pictures and shit. I haven't seen him. And like I said, this is a different county. We're all now. There's nobody falling on those tools. There's nobody doing heroin. There's nobody causing scenes or shows. The comedy club circle is different. It's quiet. It's real. It feels not in the bad way, but kind of corporate. It's a business. Listen, when you go to those little clubs of Josh and stuff. And it's one owner, Jane and Bob. They moved. They put their life savings up. They got the liquor license. You love those people. Yeah, there's a couple of those people. And they're all over the country. I think it's still like an, uh, you know, you love those people. Pied splitters. Pied splitters. The one in Batavia is a one owner. Uh, the one in Myrtle Beach. I haven't done that one yet. Yeah. Christine and Greg. You know, it's people who just want to get a job. And they've mastered you a little bit. They can't pay you. What the corporate's paid. Okay, there's a different level. It's not. I can't bring them down here. What's he going to do? It's tickets got to be up here. I can't do it. So, those places stay away from those people.
improv. They don't give a fuck. You can walk out of an improv. A big act can walk out of a hundred grand, you know, for a weekend. Sure, 80 grand out of an improv. How many shows? Five, six. Oh, yeah, you can walk out of that with big money out of fucking improv, you know, because they got the corporate. They could pay you a higher percentage if you saw on tickets. You know, they charge you 17 bucks for the service charge. It's a big go. Right. It's more numbers, you know, and I'm not saying for me, but I've heard, I know when I was like featuring, I would hear the numbers that they were paying an Irvine, you know, they have to do a Wednesday, maybe two, Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. Well, God, they would any grand, 90 grand. That's amazing. That's fucking crazy. But that's what the improv is. The smaller mom and pop clubs, they can't take a chance on your deposit. Even if even if they know your other tickets. Some of them are very smart because they know those other tickets, but it's a lot of diminishing returns. Their staff can't take it. It's going to be too overwhelming on the style. Wow. Especially if they're certain act. I mentioned no racial slurs here, but if it's a certain act, those waitresses get beat to fuck up, go tips. A lot of those customers like now saved up for the improv, but they could cover all that type of shit. I don't know how we got on to this topic, but it's not from stealing to comedy clubs. But then, but then, and, and you're, you, you earned every penny you made as a standup. I'm not saying you stole from anybody. But to go from, I'm like, I get excited if they want to pay me $200 to do a show. And then to have the idea, I don't know what your biggest check wasn't gonna stand up. But let's just say it was a quarter of that when you were selling out shows to make 10 grand in a weekend, to make 20 grand. What that's in 1991. I did, I'm lying to you, 1994. I did three shows of Carlos and see it. Okay. And we were talking after one of the things and the manager was there and they were talking at that point. Carlos was getting a 10,000, a hosting show from HBO. Okay. Wasn't his show 10,000 episode. And he was getting the tours we did. He'd got 50,000 or four nights in 1991. Wait, 50,000 or 50,000 or 40,000 or 60,000. There were 3,000, 5,000, you know, they're all Mexican towns. It was all very Spanish at that time. There was really no, but if a Spanish act did, you know, Albuquerque Phoenix. No, the one before as you're leaving Boulder, the one with a military is Colorado Springs, all that shit down there, all those farmers and stuff like that. Like that's who we played that weekend. It was like four days, four shows. We did Denver, Colorado Springs, where blow and some place and some place in like New Mexico, you know, and maybe you do go with numbers. Do you remember what you were making? If he was making 50, 50,000 shows. And I spent the night with another man the whole tower. The guy was cool. But again, I have somebody when you're shitting when you're shitting in the same bathroom as another man and you're sitting in your bed and you're sitting there going, I'm getting $50 and I'm really happy to be here. I'm grateful to be. I got an opportunity to open up for Carlos at the time in '94. He was just busting out. And then you think of he's making $10,000 a night. That's, you know, the whole thing because him and the other black guy Martin. Okay. Martin was getting like 20,000 episodes on HBO back then. And they would take 13 episodes in like two weeks. Are you fucking kidding me? I say, young comic, you're sitting there going, Oh, damn, I'll kill someone for that man when Richie Jenny was doing theaters. I took a week in with him in Miami. He sold two shows out every night from Tuesday to Sunday. He walked out at 160 grand from Tuesday to fucking Sunday because he gave me like a $2,000 bonus. I'll never forget that. What? Like God rest his soul. He was a good dude. That is something. You find out something like that, right? You start thinking, how can I make that money? Is it by dicking around and going for pizzas an hour away? Is it by jumping up and down the dodger game? Is it by fucking around or whatever? Think of what goes into that. Think of the time, the energy, but most important, the sacrifice that goes in that I couldn't come home for Christmas. I never came home for Christmas. I just stay out there with a bunch of fucking idiots on L.A. or whatever the fuck I was. I didn't do things regular people did, but I sacrificed those things because I knew the number was that fucking eye. And when you know the number is that high, you know, you're a high school football player. You're all state. You're all American. You're going to fucking and state. I'm handing it to you. It's your job to lose it. The job is yours. The job is yours. You got all those credentials, unless, and if you stay not hurt for three years, you got a huge career in the NFL or at least two or three paychecks, like I bought it from North Perga. You got two big paychecks. So whatever the fuck you got, but there's something there. And once you start thinking about that, you think about the sacrifices and the shit you don't want to do. Now you start going, hey, now your girlfriend says you want to go to a rubin, not really, because I got a pippin' this on my credit card. I'll just wait. Wait for what, Nick? You hit it. Nick, your belly featuring at the comedy store. You bombed the last three sets. But now I'm clean and then you start to clean up. You start to go, okay, maybe I need to ride a little bit. Maybe I need to fucking take this a little seriously now to two exercises because at the end, you'll get to that fucking level. I mean, the theater got the arena guys forget what they're making. Oh, I can't that. That's the number that even if I knew I can't really I'd wrap my head around. The idea of doing of making 10,000 a weekend right now is like, I can't even imagine it. But it's also about going on kill told me and pulling out the magic hat. I know two or three people right now that are raping them on the road. They're getting 25 fucking grand, 20 grand, the fucking weekend. That's amazing. I mean, she's with fucking three yards and somebody else. They're not taking the regular money, you know, there's like three killed Tony acts that are fucking making back that beginning back when you're laying down the foundation, but it's built 20 grand a week. Oh my God. Yeah. And if you hit off five bonuses is 25 grand a week and you'll sell it and you'll sell it. They don't they go from week to week to week to week. And yeah, I have no idea what he made. I'm not saying, but what I did shows with Ari and Buffalo, it was like, I don't see on the road now, you know, you see some busy shows, some sold out over a weekend, but there's usually a light show this event. I think enough, we did four shows together. And the law is like not an empty seat at any of them. You know, and no of that shit is contagious and you get the weekend out of them on the way home many of times I would go. That's my last weekend of doing comedy. You know, I don't know how much this luck is running. You just go on luck now. You're like, I don't know how much longer this is going to happen, but I'm just going to take it. Oh, whatever the fuck you do. But you have to think of that's where I can't imagine what a handful of comics are making. I can't even imagine. There's a lot more ways to make money now. Yeah. Now you can make a ton of money. Hey, fucking ways, man. You know, if you look at Gregorius's book, the Jiu-Jitsu Master, you're opening the fucking thing, there's a thousand scams on the internet. And I said that because they're really fucking ass. I don't know how they come to it. Look at these people playing GTA. How much money they make? Hunts. There's college courses with doing it now. I am making it like that kid. Uh, there's a streamer Kaisen on. He just, he's doing like a streamer university that people waited out in line all night. But it's and I and I feel old saying I don't get it. And maybe I should look into it more. But like the, like imagine if the streaming had been around when you were when we were first started. That's what we first started with. It was Matt Flavor's world. But like you would have we would have
- The live streaming. - The live streaming. - These days we're fucking a thousand things, sometimes we had to guess the three, so I had to move in the morning, we had to move, we got to guess the three, he's coming at two. I still got to go to the weed store, I still, I saw a fucking video the other day of me holding up the big star, the 600 milligrams star. - No, it was like 3000, I remember that one. - Oh my God, we ate that like fucking five days. - Oh my God. Like we're talking about the hash under the glass to me today on the phone. That was, for people that we had pins and we put a sticky hash on and lighted on fire and then somehow put a glass over it and then sucking under the tape. That was the most like, that was a crib. That's the crazy shit I've ever done. Well, not even really. - We lost sponsors over that. I got, you know, 'cause that was really, for my periscopes. - From people seeing, not the periscope, but people seeing a chunk of something on a fucking orange and you smoking it, that's the seven of these shit, the six of these. Huh? Yeah, that's how you did it. You went to your mother's house, you got a pen, W-A-B-C, yeah, the buttons, you turned it up, put the hash, slide it, put it, smoke it right from the fucking table, nobody knew nothing and you got super hot. Yeah. So we had, when we were looking for sponsors, a lot of people were like, now the drug you saw in this show, I don't give a fuck. This is our show. But it's about people doing drugs at home, people, you know, how crazy is it? I can't tell you how many, like, young kids are, like, I'm meeting, who are like 26, 24, and they're like, I was listening to you in middle school, holy shit, that's not good. Can you imagine keep mercy listening to that shit now? - A fucking podcast, a fucking podcast, but no. You brought up a very good topic, and I want you to keep that in mind, I want the George to keep that in mind, I want Nick to keep that in mind, all your young comics that are coming up and you don't know where you're kind of going, whatever, I just want to tell you where you're going, man. I can't imagine what Joe Koi's making. That motherfucker's doing a theater every other day. He does pop up some 8,000 people, yeah. That's a complete animalistic. I love Joe Koi. - Right. - I'm happy he's doing that, but guys, do you know what the numbers are, those guys are making? I can't imagine what Gabriel's making, especially this year, he sold out the one arena in London, whatever. Anyway, Gabriel, you know, he bought a neighborhood in Texas pretty much, and put all his friends and houses so they would be close to him. He kept the warehouse, but anyway, it doesn't really matter. What Gabriel does in merch, most people do not make any of you. That's crazy. When you have a warehouse, just for merch, and three full-time guys sending it out, what he makes in merch alone, with some of these guys making merch alone, is more than what people make, and I'm talking about attorneys. He's got to be clear, and I have no to a mill on merch, that's three people. That's, I'm just putting a mill on it. And that's like not even live shows, and he is the website. Live shows, a website, and he don't even have time to do a podcast. He said, "That's shitty money for me." And I'm not going to name any names, and no one in particular that I know, but I've seen comics are charging way too much for shirts, can you imagine? Okay. Let's cover that right now. First of all, the not charging way too much for shirts, is that you're paying a lot of money for the shirt to start off with. A fucking shirt in today's world, what do bands do now? Bans don't sell albums, but they got to perform live to make a living. Correct. Something like that. Yeah, they don't make any money on them. You make no money in the studio, okay. We do that. Okay. I don't even know what we were talking about. About the shirt prices. About the shirt price. I'll give you an example, a couple of years ago, we were selling shirts. I'm not going to lie to you. After the overseas postages and all this shit, you don't know, you make money, but you don't make a lot of money unless if you pay 40 for a shirt, what do you only charge you? We got to charge you $69.99, right? I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to get involved in that. But if you're if you're motivated this money, I'll give you an example. Those patches I used to sell, they were $10,000 for fucking $500, you sell them for a dollar a piece. It's like selling black beauties in high school. Right. I used to get $30 for a thousand black beauties and PA and bring them to North Bergen and I'd sell the wrestlers, $100 for $30. So the first 100 I sold, I already got my money back and I'm stuck with 900 more fucking black beauties that either I sell for $30 per 100 or a dollar a piece. You know how many of those things I was sell for a dollar a fucking piece every day before I even went into my first class in North Bergen. You just walk in with those walking, people come up here with $20, let me get 20 of those. For another 10, you could buy a hundred, I got the deal of a century. No, no, no, we don't want to buy a hundred, this is perfect. Come back the next day, buy another 20 and they would drink and go to fucking Hudson County Park or whatever. But think about that. I was making a fucking living quailouge, you bought $2 and you sold for four. That's crazy. I'm going to quailouge, you made 200 bucks and if you made 160, it's because you ate fucking 22 of them, okay, and you banged your bike out in a fucking car and all that shit. But no, all jokes aside here, whether you're a fucking political guy, a fucking framer, you know, and George is an old framer, George been doing it for a long time. So I can't teach an old dog new tricks the same way you can't teach me a lot of shit or refuse because technology would freak me to fuck out. I'm flabbergasted like most white people. Some people like technology, it scares me some time, right? I'll stay away from it. For no stupid reason. But we're talking about surprises, we were talking about fucking like the motivations I got coming up. First motivation I got was Carlos, and then I found out somebody at the county store was making $28,000 a week per episode, and I would say to myself, "Oh, I need his four of those, please God, give me fucking four of those," you know, in the beginning, I know for a fact, my boy was rackin' 60 grand for five shows at the Tempean Probe, and I was four of 50 seats Tempean Probe, 60 grand for four shows. Hold on, 450 times four is what? 1800. But there's theaters, they're 1800. But I'm just talking about 800 tickets. He was on the hottest show on it at the time, right? So you read it, paying the money to go see him for being on the show, or for being a stand-up, or you paid. I still remember him going, "Come on, we're doin' this because I just picked up 60 grand." Right in time, he took us to a fucking commercial shoot, there we go to my 100 grand, and he had the money to negotiate me and our first class ticket to the hotel, and they gave us like 500 each, I'm like, "Okay, what do you want us to do? Just sit there, talk shit with me all day." He made me work eight minutes, wild, eight minutes, and then you look at that shit, now I've done a thousand movies, and TV shows, trust me, I've never made that prep so far from that, far from that. But that's the money you can make, guys. So if you're a young comic, and you're listening to me, there's a lot of money in it, and everybody's looking for this shortcut, everybody's looking for the kill-tongue, everybody's looking for this, and I appreciate that, but if you do this correctly, the way it says in the manual, and the manual is how you control it, this is endless, and especially now, where it's not just stand-up, you're opening up 18 doors, you might show your feet, and some shoot company wants to make a size 15, and then you got it, you're the next fucking shack, I mean, shit like this is happening every day, so today I even posted that, because I've been thinking about that shit, I'm like, "Hey, motherfucker, it's Monday, and there's gold on those streets, there's gold on those streets, there's gold on those streets, it's a little harder to find now, and once you get it, you got to charge more because that charge them, everybody's fucking charge them, that's true, so we're living in a different time, and everything is a fucking witch that the lake call of football unordable. I really don't know.
a lot of guys, George, you live by Audible's. If it wasn't for Audible's, they'd mean our George. Some people enjoy Audible's. I don't mind a good Audible, but I know sometimes I got to change my shit up. And that's it. You know, this is it, guys. People are making that type of money. This fucking knucklehead, the actor, his wife, he's making money from the podcast. This is why of course, thank God, you can stay home and stop shooting movies. You're making way more money on the podcast than what you are doing movies. This is Jason. What's it? No, no, Jason, whatever the fuck. Batman backshup has got to be making more than he ever made. And he doesn't have to take another TV show down because that dude took down more shows than anybody. They put him on everything and everything. And then he went and did steroids and you know, he did. Look at him. He was a skinny little guy the whole time. I met him to run as easy. 15 fucking years ago. He's all tied up and he's getting, I guarantee you, he's making a ton from that podcast. Pons of fucking money. And guys, these are all used. I don't know what you, you know, you could sit there and scratch your ass when you keep waiting for the blue bird to happen. But that motherfucker guy shot like eight years ago, the blue bird happiness. What's the, I'm just, what's the dude on ESPN, the old punter, Pat McAfee. He went, he went from making, and he was a good punter. But yeah, you're right. He just signed a hundred million dollar. And people thought he was crazy because he was doing it by himself. And then he took less money to go to, I mean, now he's like the star. He's so much more successful as a podcast or as a host now, yes. That's crazy. Oh, there's a thousand opportunity, so don't turn anything down, try everything. As a young comic, you should try everything. I mean, you think getting your stupid fucking jokes and putting them on Instagram every day, there's a thousand people doing that. We got to figure a different fucking outlet. And there's a thousand people on YouTube too. So joy, what do you do? I don't know, go on fucking Facebook deep. I don't know. I don't know what's next, you know, you got to be doing something that nobody else is doing just to get noticed. That's so hard to find. And then somebody's got to take you over the top. So once I notice you, I'm going to type your name in and I'm going to go, oh, he was on, he did this or he did that. Let's make a mental out to go see him next time. But it's, we're all chasing the same nickel. Me, you fucking Josh Wolf Martin Lawrence, who are chasing the same nickel. Take that to the bank, motherfuckers. I'll see you cock suckers Wednesday night at the improv or August seventh to eighth in Atlantic City. What do you got? There's ones tonight. I've had learning I kept city. And then Friday and Saturday, I'm at big laughs and four worth very excited for Texas or work Texas. If you're in Austin, Texas, go catch Lee Wednesday night. He's a good man. You'll have a good time. Take him. They got good food. Don't let his instincts ruin his adventure. This idiot will probably end up at a waffle house. And now first of all, stab in the fucking neck. How dare you? You remember the church. Get it together. The church lives at waffle house. No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, they don't need a creepy church. We're missing tea. No, people like that. No, you're a class actor and you're a Jew. Amazing. You like it. You're a class act and you're a Jew. I like it. God, I'm going to go to what's the one area? What's the one place? The taco stand every night. I'm going to have somebody out there Wednesday and Tuesday night to see if you go by the taco stand. Of course. At nine thirty ten by yourself, walking down the street, wobbling without Dracula. Look, I want to see that tomorrow with an edible in you. That's the only way to go to Austin Texas on a Tuesday night because the place will be fucking rocked. So make me a promise. I don't care. I was going to have barbecue, but I don't get what you're 18 excuses by the time he comes back. I'll post it. Why? How dare you? You got mad at me. I wanted to get dumplings the one time. Lamb. Lamb. Lamb and the barbecue places. Well, it's shitty fucking lamb. How do you get to the brisket like regular American people? I want to the jalapeno cheddar sausage. The jalapeno cheddar sausages they have. What's the barbecue place? Terry blacks. They have the jalapeno cheddar sausages. And the one and four worth had no line. You don't have to go down Austin at the jalapeno. Cherry sausage. I got it right here for you between my legs. It's spicy like a motherfucker. I want clean. I got old man piss. So all I got to do is throw some salt. It's spicy. Well, it's a different flavor to it, but we could spice it up for you if you like it. I love you guys. See you next Monday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Stay black. [Music]
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
Joey Dears reflects on the absurdity and overpricing of modern entertainment and consumer culture, including sports betting, concerts, and travel.
He criticizes the financial exploitation in events like UFC fights, citing Max Holloway’s massive earnings and the disappointment of fans who paid high prices to see underwhelming performances.
He expresses concern about gambling addiction, especially among young people, pointing to marketing tactics that target college students with free trials and bonuses.
The speaker laments rising costs in daily life—from food and travel to insurance and services—describing a society where everything is more expensive and less sustainable.
He shares personal experiences of addiction to drugs, including cocaine, and emphasizes how such habits were rooted in desperation and social isolation.
He contrasts past experiences with present reality, noting a decline in quality of life and authenticity in both entertainment and personal relationships.
A key theme is the loss of value in consumerism
He concludes with a return to personal values—comedy, self-awareness, and financial discipline—as a way to reclaim control and purpose.
Summary:
Joey Dears delivers a candid critique of modern consumer culture, highlighting how everything from sports betting to concert tickets has become excessively expensive and emotionally draining. He recalls the absurdity of UFC betting, where fighters like Max Holloway earn staggering sums, while fans feel cheated by poor show quality and inflated prices. Dears expresses deep concern about gambling addiction, especially among young people, noting how marketing tactics exploit their naivety.
He observes a general increase in daily costs—from food and travel to insurance—making life increasingly unsustainable. Drawing from personal experiences, he reflects on past drug use, particularly cocaine, which was driven by a need for escape and social interaction, not pleasure. He describes a life of constant consumption and deception, where small acts of theft or drug use once brought excitement, but now feel morally and emotionally hollow.
Ultimately, he finds redemption in comedy and self-awareness, positioning them as alternatives to the emptiness of materialism. His message is a cautionary tale about how society has turned value into cost, and how true fulfillment comes not from spending, but from conscious, grounded choices.
FAQs
The speaker feels bad because he believes the fights were not exciting enough to justify the high costs, and many fans were emotionally and financially hurt by poor outcomes, especially when they paid significant amounts for tickets that didn't deliver value.
He believes that past UFC fights, especially during his prime, were more exciting and intense compared to today’s events, which feel less engaging and professionally executed.
He criticizes McGregor’s financial success, noting that it's obscene and that the fight may have been driven more by marketing and hype than genuine athletic competition or value.
He attributes the rise in gambling to aggressive marketing, especially through student credit cards and college promotions, which create false promises and lure young people into addictive behavior.
He observes that everyday expenses—like food, transportation, and hotel stays—have skyrocketed, making it harder to live within a budget and contributing to financial stress and anxiety.
Yes, he acknowledges that he has a gambling addiction, which he sees as a weakness, and warns that many people fall into the trap due to marketing and lack of financial awareness.
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