Adam Carolla | Club Random with Bill Maher

I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of green in all its forms. Get it? And for fellow lovers of, well, green, the Club Random merch store, as you covered, grinders, papers, and zippo lighters, all designed to support your relationship with green, wink, wink, whatever, and whatever philosophy comes with that for you, head to clubrandom.com and bring home some random. Well, she was going out with the electric cars and then she got the Dodge Ram. And now she's happy. I saw roots with my mom. Wait, I thought your mom was never there. And now you watch roots with my mom? I didn't watch roots with my mom. Guest number one. Remember, always when you're on like the 9th of the Cup, you said like Guest number one on it. How are you, pal? Good to see you, brother. How are you doing? I'm doing well. I hear. I hear all about you. Your show's better than ever. You're getting your walk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, your divorce went through. You must be on cloud nine. It's a, it's good. You look. It's a pendulum. And it's either coming down or it's heading up. Like, you know, the business. And it's been heading up for the last short period of time. Well, sometimes good. Well, yeah. But sometimes one part of your life is going great and the other isn't. I certainly have had that situation. Yeah. Like, I remember when I was in my early mid-30s, you know, I was in a very successful relationship, but my career had taken that dip. Right. You know, the worst part of a career, a comic, two really bad parts, one when you start. That's really tough, like, first year or two. Yeah. And then there's like, oh, you think you're on your way. Right. You know, you do a couple of sitcoms. It's like, and then, you know, there's that, like, that's so fast. Yeah, no, it's, it is weird. Like, I got out of the gate. The first two shows I really did, which was a love line. Love line. Yeah. And then the man show on Comedy Central. Yeah. Yeah. Both of them were destined for other networks. Love line was supposed to be a syndicated show. And the man show was a pilot from ABC. And they didn't get picked up, but they both ended up on MTV. And then ended up on Comedy Central. And that was my first two endeavors. So I was like, oh, this is so easy, you know. It just, by the way, if the first network doesn't pick you up, the second one does. And it just all came so quickly and so easily. Yeah. And then I realized at some point, oh, no, it's a slog. It's a struggle. There's lots of setbacks. Well, I mean, even Frank Sinatra, you know, maybe the greatest career or certainly among the top five, who was like a giant phenomenon of a star like Justin Bieber and his peak, whatever that was. Harry Styles today. In 1939, early 40s, the war years, Bobby Soxers, just people screaming lines around the block, just like. And then you got in 1950, you couldn't get arrested. That's the subplot of the Godfather, the movie plot. Like Johnny Fontaine, never gets this part. That was Sinatra. And supposedly, you know, Sinatra had the same story. Somebody had to threaten the band leader to get him out of his contract. You know, it's kind of sad that guys like Elvis weren't alive to see the ascension the second. You know what I mean? Like when Elvis died, he was kind of a joke and everyone wanted to see "Crosby Stills and Nash" and not your dad's fat guy with a suit on and stuff, like that. There's a bedroom right over there. I'm sorry. And he's not. No, but what I'm saying is, my daughter and her friends saw the Elvis movie 19 times. You know, Elvis didn't get to see his movie. Yeah, they loved it. They loved the Boslerman movie. Yes. And what I'm saying is, is nobody was bigger than Elvis and then Elvis became a sort of parody of himself and was sort of on the decline and gained the weight, and the drugs and everything else. And then he died. He didn't get to then swing back and experience this resurrection. He did. Not in your liberal bubble, Adam. But he had a very brief period where he was the thing. That's 1956 until he goes into the army. I mean, really, just a couple of years, then he went into the army. When he came out of the army, that fucking criminal immigrant, illegal immigrant, who was his manager. And Colonel Tom Parker. Thank you. Yes. Let's name him. He's very famous. Yeah. He kept him in this sort of indentured servitude. Elvis, with all his psychological problems and mommy and daddy issues and all this stuff. And he couldn't break away from this guy. So he kept him in the movies. You know, these, what Elvis called travel locks. They're all the same clam bake and speedway. Right. You know, like forgettable songs. Right. Because most of the country, not your liberal bubble, Adam. I do hang out with those people, who was. Who was still young. Who was still young. Who was still going to see all this movies. Yeah, I get it. I guess what I, you know what I say, when I interview an athlete or anybody, I, who had great success or was a Super Bowl MVP or something like that, I always ask them, was your dad around to see it? Because it's poignant to me. Poignant to me because my dad wasn't. Around to see you win the Super Bowl? No. Basically in life. Right, right. No, no. Yeah, sorry for. I'm not kidding around. But you're a very successful guy. You've made quite an impact on society. And any father would go, "Oh, my God." But especially because my father was a newsman. Right. And a funny guy. And I'm a funny guy who made it successfully talking about the news. So it would have been, it would have been different if I went into the, you know, soft ice cream business. It was a. Right. Giant success, but the fact that I sort of followed where he was heading, I think, would have been very right. Right. But when he died, you were dealing weed needing top ramen. And that's his last memory of you, right? No, he had, basically. He saw me do the tonight show. But he never, he died just before politically, and correct when I was right. Right. It would have been the perfect thing for him to see. Right. And I wish I was one of those people who could say, "Well, but he's watching from upstairs." But he. Right. Unfortunately, he's not upstairs. He's dead. Well, if it's any consolation, my dad made it all the way through my career and still didn't give a shit. So. Really? Yes. Never. Never had cable. Never knew what I was doing. So. Why is that? Well, I don't know how it works, but my mom and my dad somehow found each other, like the two parents who care the least. Maybe it was just some sort of symposium for parents, potential parents who didn't care. But neither one of them ever had cable. They never knew what I was up to, they never had any interest, and we're not there to see any of it. And what about childhood, same deal? Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you something about disappointors. They never disappoint. They're always who they are. Right. It's never like, "Oh, no, my mom was the best and then lost total interest, you know, in me once again." Which were there together and there when you were kids, when you were a kid, but just not interested in you. They had kids and didn't know it. But. But we're there. It wasn't that sort of good sometimes? Yeah, I mean, in general, you get a very realistic version of the world. Like nobody's gonna hop out and make you dinner and make you breakfast and tuck you in and sort of take care of you. Like, it was like, it gives you, when your parents and especially mom aren't big fans and don't do a lot, you get really independent, really fast. And you get a very sober version of the world and how you fit into it. You know, and is anyone gonna do anything for you or are you gonna have to sort of take care of your own stuff? Like, there's a version of it where the mom dots over the little prince and he can do no wrong. And those guys get ruined because they show up in the real world expecting to have rose petals thrown down at their feet and they get disappointed in another direction. So, like, it is good in terms of getting independent and getting realistic. It doesn't make for a great childhood, but it's like. No, it's good training. Not to make everything political and we sure don't want to do that. But it does to me when I hear stories like this and you hear them all the time, just. make me more angry at the Democrats for going so in on identity politics, because life is such an unpredictable mishmash of advantages and disadvantages. It's so simplistic to say, well, because you're race, because you're religion, because whatever this thing you identify, that is what is the defining thing in America. No, these are the kind of things that are very often defining thing in America. Your parents sucked. Now, I could have made you a giant failure, I've seen it work that way, and I've seen it work the other way, where it makes you work harder and be better, and somehow get further maybe than you would have, if they weren't shitty. So to reduce life to those kind of simplistic boxes, I think it's so crazy, because, you know, who knows who you would be or what you would be if your parents had been different? I mean, for me, and also I was poor, and I was sort of rudderless, and I was a bad student, I didn't go to college, and so on and so forth, and the economy was bad, and it was, when I graduated high school, I just was unmoored, and just sort of floating out in the sea. I did not have a direction, I didn't have a skill, I didn't know anybody. My parents were sort of don't ask, don't tell, and I literally was walking around North Hollywood, applying for jobs at supermarkets and stuff like that, and there was no jobs, and I went to the North Hollywood fire department, and I just walked in, and I said, I think I could be a fireman, I played football, I'm strong, I don't have any fear, I think this would be a good job for me, I'm not good with the essays and the typing and all that stuff, but I'll go up a ladder and go and do a building. - Yeah, I don't think you have to sell yourself that much, just say you'll do it and I'll tell you. - I will give you the application. - I was eager for the fray, and the guy gave me an application, and he said, don't expect to hear from us for a long time. - Really? - And this is in the 80s, and I said, - Because? - You're white, we're not hiring white people. - He said that? - He said, well, he was a white guy, he was like, you know, between the two of us. - So they were making up the phone call. - So they were overcompensating and making up for our sorry past, where the blacks were over. - Yes, they were, but to your point, I was my first, I was first poor before I was white, you know what I mean? - I was poor too. - And I needed a job. And so they should hire sort of based on who needs it, not the color of your skin is what I was saying. And I couldn't get on with the LA Fire Department because I was white, and that goes way back, you know, affirmative action, I think, is way predates DEI and all that. - Yeah. - That kind of stuff, but same idea. - Two, yeah, it's the same thing. It's basically ecology and then climate change, global warming and all this stuff that's sort of different. - The reason why it's always problematic is because we do need to compensate in the whole for the groups in the whole. The problem is that then it's individuals who actually, in something in your case, for example, pay the price. - Yeah. - You know, for things you personally didn't do, and you're raced it, but you can't also deny that our race, we have some responsibility, that responsibility, but complicity, because we benefited from what advantages our entire race have. But then when it gets down to the individual level, you see where the bitterness comes in. I mean, who wouldn't be better if they were just the way Blacks felt the same way? I'm being locked out of this job, and you don't know me. You're judging me based on this thing. - Yeah. - And so, like, you know, it's a tough one, yes? - Well, you know, you bring up a good point, and I kind of experienced it in a weird story, which is I then couldn't get a job as a fireman, so I wandered on to a construction site, and I became a labor. I just dug ditches and cleaned up garbage for seven bucks an hour, and that was sort of my lot. And then I worked-- - So white people were doing that, right? - Doing that, right? - All I was, like I said, poor people, who I worked with, I did all sorts of carpet cleaning and manual labor and stuff with white, you know, with Todd Euler and Ray Oldhofer and guys like that, just dudes, you know, it's poor dudes. Ray was living in apartments, you know, they didn't have any money. And, but there's an interesting story that, at a certain point, I got a job, a job opened up for earthquake rehab for the city of Los Angeles, and it was a prevailing wage job. - That's a pretty good one in '94? - No, pre the one in '94. '72 was the first one, I think. And then '94, but they were going to retrofit all these old brick buildings in Koreatown, and this is about an '87, maybe '88. - I mean, every year, they say it's a big one. - It's kind of, it's coming. - Yeah. - And I'm sure it is, but boy, they did kind of boy who cried wolf me a little a lot. And I'm sure the plates are not happy, those tectonic plates, they're, you know, they're unstable, they're like your bipolar girlfriend. It could happen in any minute, or you could have a lovely dinner. I don't know, it's just hard to say. But good. - Bad news, this is all unreinforced concrete, so if it hits now, we're dead. - This place is going nowhere. - We're being too keen. - Fuckin' nowhere, there's all the money I put in of it. - This is going fucking nowhere. - So, we the last thing standing. - So, I got this job doing earthquake rehab 'cause it paid like 18 bucks an hour, which is big bucks. - They called it rehab. - Earthquake rehab, yeah. - It's hysterical. - Size make work, they call it. - California, even. - Yeah. - The Bitty Ford plan was parked out front. (laughing) - So, I get this job, and it's a city job. It's a government job, and they need a certain amount of women and African-American, they need representation. Well, we can't find any black guys who know earthquake rehab work. - Don't forget the lesbians. - I don't know if they can check for that, but there were a few on there. So, we end up with a black man named Chipper, and this guy's going to college and it comes from money, but he's gonna get this job working earthquake rehab and making good money. And he doesn't know anything, he doesn't know anything, and he's not a carpenter. He's there, they hired him, 'cause he was black, and they need representation on the job. - You look carpenter? - I was by then, 'cause I'd been doing it for about five years before I got to that. - He was me, Jesus. - But here's the part that's interesting. There's a guy on my crew named Jeff, who's always wanted to be a fireman, but he's white, and he can't get on. So, he's a carpenter, but his dream is to be a fireman. And years later, I ran into this guy, Chip, Chipper, the black man, carpenter, when I was doing a school function thing. Years later, I was already like a celebrity at that point. He said, "Hey, I don't remember all back in the day and everything," and I go, "Good." And he goes, "That guy, Jeff," and he just keeps in touch with him. I go, "No, I don't really, he was a racist." I go, "I don't think he was, he was a nice guy." Now, he was racist, and I said, "Why?" And he said, "He hated me the whole time." And I realized he hated you because he wanted to be a fireman, but he couldn't, because of his race. And you were only hired because you're black, and that reminded him of that, and he took it out on him. So, it creates a weird hatfields and McCoys in the system. - There's no perfect answers. And any of these naughty questions, especially about making right for horrible things that happened in the past. Now, I can see people listening to you and saying, "Oh, Adam, you have a chipper on your shoulder." Because this happened, and it is colored, no pun intended, your views on race politically for all the years that came after. Is that true, sir? - By the way, I gave Chip my bags. He didn't have bags. He didn't have belts. I gave him a electrician's bag that I had, and he put it through a Gucci belt and hung it as his bags on the job. And I was always good with Chip, but I do realize that this guy, Jeff, hated him because of the scripting. - Oh, yeah, I mean, that is a microcosm of something that's happened millions of times, I would imagine, in America. But again, what is the alternative? You always have to ask that, is the alternative that we should have done nothing to recompense for the horrible past? No, I don't think that's the answer either. You know, it's hard not to do it and in some way be clumsy about it. We did over, in my view, the woke movement got went over its keys or whatever that saying is and went too far with it. I mean, there were universities, like I think it was Michigan, who had 200 DEI officers. - Okay. at a college, at the most liberal place in the universe, you need 200 rocking, I mean, this is just very Soviet. 'Cause, you know, what are DEI officers? They're basically political enforcers. Certainly, when you have that many. So, did they go too far? But this is the story of America with everything these days. Did Biden go too far with letting people in? Of course, no rational person would argue that. And then no rational person would say, "Yeah, and what Trump did in response to it wasn't too far the other way." With what's going on in Minneapolis and all this stuff, that even his own people hate now. And I just look at this, and I always say to myself, "Doesn't anybody want to win this game, this political game?" It's so easy for somebody to win this game, and you both just go to the extremes and lose. Yeah, so here's what I basically say. When they try to force you into a Prius, X amount of people go, "I'm getting a Dodge Ram truck, and I'm putting a lift kit on it," and some of those truck nuts hanging from the differential. And rolling coal. Right, you know what that is? Yeah, what? So, wait, on one second. I just want to say that when they push you this way, yep, they then a group, a large group goes that way, but another group splinters off and goes harder the other direction. And now LA, which you should have just Camrys and Honda Civics, has either electric cars or Dodge Ram trucks. Or the musk thing that, that, that, that, that, that personnel carrier thing that, what's the Tesla that, you know, look? The cyber truck? Yeah. Yes, that's out of, like, damnationally, with George Papard from 1978. Exactly, I mean, that thing is crazy. It's an asshole, mobile. Right, right. But so now we're at a point where we, everybody is projecting and everyone is signaling their base. So, when you see a white guy, and he has Oakley-Blade sunglasses on top of his trucker's hat, upside down, you go, "Okay, that guy's a Trump voter." And then when you see Gavin Newsom with his legs crossed, further than his knees are overlapping each other by 12 inches, they're on direction. Then you go, "Okay, he's signaling to his base with the deep knee cross." And back up here, this, I totally understand your point about signaling, and I think you're right. I did not get the memo on Newsom's legs. Oh, what, what is, is this a thing in the area? Is this somewhere on the Tucker Grand, that I missed? No, no, no, no, no. What is this? The Newsom's signaling people with his legs? If you watch, if you see pictures of Newsom with the leg cross, it is that, okay, first off, guys would do this a lot. I do it, I do it too. 'Cause I'm a guy. And then women would do a sort of this, but the, deeper the blue, you get the deeper, more compressive, the further it gets across. When you see pictures of Newsom with his legs crossed, it's insane. And the thing that's funny is Trump sits with his knees apart, and then he makes a diamond with his thumb and forefinger, and he puts it in front of his nut sack. And he says, "Focus on this." Plus the giant tie pointing to it. Right. If you see Justin Trudeau or Gavin Newsom or any of these people do panel their legs, and if the guy is from the New York Times, who's interviewing him, he's got the super deep leg cross too. It's sort of a signal to the base. - I must, I didn't know about all that. - Oh, yes. - I'm learning, that's why we do this show for learning. But I must say, I always thought it was a little weird when men cross their legs like you're describing. Nothing wrong with it. Just, but it was just not how I crossed my legs. It's just, there's something about it that, I'm sorry, it's just not manly. - Yeah. - And you're saying that this is a signal? - Yes. - It is. - You can see it. - I know, I don't. - You don't think it just could be, that's how they do it. - It's more than a coincidence that it is almost strictly the domain of the liberal politician in the liberal, who does the super deep cross. - I'm gonna need to like, I wanna signal that I'm a centrist. I'm not that guy. - No. - But I'm not this asshole. - No. - Okay. - So I'm here. - But the thing about Newsom is Newsom isn't here, here was a woman in a miniskirt doing panel on Carson in the 70s. He's further than here. - He goes, I'm telling you. - He really? - Yes. - Maybe it's just a flex on how flexible he is. - I'm telling you, Obama does the deep one. - I mean, Chris Christie couldn't do it. - No. - Oh, no. - I mean, Chris Christie. - No. - I mean, if you see Obama, if you see Newsom, Justin Trudeau, deep, I think if you saw pictures of them 10 years ago, you wouldn't see the deep cross. - You think Obama does it? - Obama does the deep cross, too. - Yeah. - Obama. - He's rumbling that he's progressive. - Well, but he's centrist and he's very, you know, I thought he was, I mean, I'm a big fan. - I think he may be, but I think he thinks his base or who he's talking to was not that. - He did get more leftist after he left office. I mean, the party in general did. I mean, Biden was much to the left of the Obama administration. - Yes. - Biden, yes. - Yes, I agree. - But then Clinton was, you know, I mean, when they pull these clips up, are these guys talking about immigration from 20 years ago? - Clinton, I never saw a picture of Clinton crossing his legs because he was always getting blocked. - He was getting blocked. - Yeah. - And the girl was blocking it. - Right. - So I think that said something in itself. - He didn't want to crush your hat. - Bye. - Okay. - Well, I learned so much. - Oh, you're gonna see, Bill. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. - So what's your, are you optimistic about where we are now? Or are you, I mean, it's one year into the Trump second regime. It's the beginning of the year. It's a good time to assess, maybe predict. Just, you know, take your temperature on where you feel. How do you think 2026 is gonna end? I mean, I just turned 70. So it's a big milestone year for me. - Oh, wow. - Yes. Congrats. I love it. When you get so old, they like congratulate you for, I'll be alive. - Yeah, and you walked here, right? - Congratulate you. - Oh, really? - So yeah, so it's, I, to me, it's a, you know, any of the ends in sixth is a big year. New decade starts. It's, you almost feel younger, because now you have a zero at the end of the second. - Yeah. - That's right. But, really, you're an overtime, but you thought, not quite, and I'm not in this country. - No, no, no. - Russia, I wouldn't be. - Yeah. - I try, I'm not Russian. - I think that if Trump, I think ultimately, you know, people care about gas prices and egg prices and, you know, stability and, you know, their paycheck and affordability and like basic stuff, you know, can you afford a house and stuff like that? And I think if Trump comes through with all that stuff, then I think, I think most of America will sort of be okay with it. I don't think the Democrats are gonna be okay with it, because they're gonna sort of agitate. And I think essentially the plan is chaos and agitation, and then a sort of a, don't you want this to stop? And most people do. And it's actually-- - Actually, if the Democrats are agitating? - I do. - Really? - Well, I mean-- - There's some agitating on the right. Come on, I mean-- - Yeah, ice is agitating. - Right, but they've been there admitting it now. But they go to states and municipalities where they just go do their job and there's shots and bottles and whatever. - They do, and I always like to look from, you know, as a history major, like what will the historians say when they write about this in a hundred years? Well, first of all, a lot of shit will have happened, so it'll only get a paragraph. And that paragraph will probably begin with because the Biden administration went so far with letting in illegal immigrants. There was a backlash that followed in the Trump and then blah, blah, blah, and all his excesses there. So everything, every action is a reaction. That's-- we have to acknowledge that. But we are living in the present, okay? And in the present, I mean, I said this to Senator Kennedy on the show last week, you're gonna get the dog shit kicked out of you in the midterms, 'cause this is not what people voted for. Trump's down with all the people who he won back to degrees. They didn't think possible when he won in 2024. I mean, he did better with minorities and Hispanics and young people. They've all went like, oh, well, you blew it. So I don't think, to me, that's not even-- I mean, I would bet the house on that, that the Democrats are gonna win it. big in the midterms. I think what people want sort of micro in macro is they don't want chaos. And if there's chaos, they'll vote to stop the chaos. And anyone who's been married will tell you like, look, she's wrong, she's, I've disagreed with all this shit, but just turn the page. Like, I just don't want to deal with the chaos. And so I think that's kind of democratic strategy, which is the chaos will end when we get rid of this guy or when we're in charge. I do think they're causing the chaos, but I think it's part of its strategy. And I think it's a good strategy. It's what I think it's what's going to win. I know someone who got divorced recently and I was as always with married people shocked to hear it because married people are geniuses at hiding it until it's announced. And she said, when we stop fighting, that's when you know it's over. And I thought that was really so not that I've ever been married. But I certainly know that feeling like, no, when the woman stops fighting, it's like, okay, you're not even worth fighting with when it's like when the football coach stops yelling at you, that's the bad part because he's lost. Right. He doesn't find any potential left in you. He doesn't think you could be better player than you are. Like when you get ignored, that's when you should worry. And is that what happened in your marriage? No, my marriage is weird. I didn't, there wasn't, you know, the stuff you fight over in a marriage, you know, if they did the list of the top five things, couples fight over, you know, money. Money is number one by far. Not an argument, you know. No, they have surveys about it. Yeah, money. Right. How to raise the children. That's two. That's number two. Yeah, infidelity. Like there's all the sort of top things, people fight over lack of affection. That could, could have cracked my top 10. No, I'm saying that's on their list. Yeah, yeah. That's the way we're from both sides. We didn't really have the stuff that most people have, which is peculiar, you know. You didn't have any of that. We didn't, we never fought about money or how we're going to raise the kids or who's cooking my meals or like anything. That, that could, we didn't fight over that either, but that could have been an issue. I bet you, you did. You didn't say it, but like because men and women define affection very differently. Yes, that's true. Right. No, true. I mean, my, what, what I do is I do things for women. Yeah, I built you this gazillion. Right. They go, I don't care. Right. They don't stroke my hair. Right. Yeah, I know. I, I get it. It's, it's, it's a flawed relationship from Jump Street because we're speaking two different languages under the same roof essentially. I mean, usually that is the case. I mean, you can find your way out of it. Thank you, Jesus, but I mean, it's, it's, it's, that is the norm. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, that other thing. And that's a key part of it is that a man's idea of, of affection is a blowjob, you know, between the 11 o'clock news and when the late night shows come on. Right. A woman's idea of affection is, you know, three days of listening or something. Right. You know, I mean, it's just, it's just crazily different. Well, I mean, we are very different. And I think part of the fix we're in from a society standpoint is trying to pretend like we're not for like the last 20 years, you know, women should have careers go to work and for, they don't need kids. They don't define them. And they, we shouldn't say they should have careers, but they certainly can. Right. No, they, everyone can have everything, but what I feel like we're trying to talk women out of an imperative, you know, why does not been held there? There was a conservative kicker Harrison Butcher. Yes. For the chiefs. Yes. Who was destroyed over this? Not destroyed so he lost his job because he can still kick good. Right. And good. And I defended him. And I remember starting out saying, I have nothing in common with this guy. He's a super Christian. You know, he's whole about the family and the wife and having kids and blah, blah, blah. And all he was saying was like, you know, whatever, like my people like, hey, you know, shout out to the ladies who want to have kids. It's like, okay, that's your view. And then they just, there was some, I think it was the S.B.s. And people got on stage when it's like, everybody here should be like happy to be here, except for you. And they literally pointed them out by name in the crowd. It's that kind of thing that makes me fucking hate the, the far left assholes who do that in their fucking bad attitude. That's just his view. And, you know, a woman once said to me, that is women's liberation too. If you want to have children, if that's your goal in life, if that's what you think you were put on earth for and you don't want to go to an office, that's liberation too. You should be able to do that without being shamed for it. And, you know, and that's just a lot of the country who thinks this way. Like, have kids, you know, you know, meet a football player and settle down. I mean, fucking Taylor Swift is always going out with these gay English guys. And then she meets a fucking man meat from America and she's happy. Okay, that's not everybody. But obviously, that's some people. And don't shame them. And now she's happy with the gun ran. We'll be right back. That's great. If I was doing an old fashion show, that would have been a great place to take the commercial break. That's a great line. Well, thanks. And yes, I completely agree with you. And it drives me nuts when people, but it drove me nuts when during COVID, you were talking about exercise and losing weight. No sugar. No sugar. No sugar. No sugar. And everyone was trying to try and impersonate you. Crazy person. He's just saying, die in exercise. Why does that make him? Well, I also, but I also was saying that what they didn't do, shame on them was ever have the balls to say to Americans who were dying. The things you're dying from are old age, which you can't do anything about and obesity, which you can. But we're too fucking scared to say to you. If ozemic had come along a couple of years earlier, they could have been there, but we were still in the, you can be healthy at any weight insanity. We were in the Lizzo fat stage. Lizzo looks great in her bikini. I remember seeing that headline. I mean, you know what, beauties in the eye of the beholder. You can think, Lizzo looks great in the bikini. I'm a little different. You cannot not to drive that ram truck. You cannot. No. Some people do, but science is not in the eye of the beholder. I agree. From the people who were like, we're the science people, but in the science. Well, listen, you didn't traditionally have told you the same thing for the last 40 years. They'd go, quit smoking, lose weight. Now they're just quit smoking and you do you. Well, now they quit smoking and do ozemic. Right. Suddenly the body positivity thing, oh, I don't remember ever said, yeah, you said it all the time. Now you don't say it because you have ozemic. So you could actually do what I was saying all along, which is lose weight. Right. Because the body is not listening to your nonsense. The body is following what the body follows, which is biology. I have an ozemic issue that I'm curious, oh, I got many if you agree with it or not. I have a problem with it in that and most people go, well, so what? You lose the weight, it's important. Oprah tells you it's a genetic thing and you got it to it. You got to listen. Why do we listen to Oprah? But all right. She's going to tell you whatever. I have a problem that's not about weight. It's more about discipline. I believe that an important part of life is discipline. And everybody I know who's successful has discipline. They, and everyone historically who's ever been successful, they get up, they do their homework, they show up. There are exceptions and they're called musicians. Right. Right. Musicians do not need discipline. They don't, but listen. They don't even have to go on stage nearly at the hour that they said they were going to. That is. And people still put up with it. They can show up three hours fucking late because they were watching a football game that they did not want to miss. Yes. Axel Rose can show up that late. That is true. He's hardly the only one. You know that is true. But at some point they sat in their basement and practiced the guitar for 11 hours a day. Yeah, they did. And they had that and now they can do it drunk and late. But they can still. Yeah. There was a discipline. And to me, discipline is super important. in life. It really helps. It helps kids. It helps adults. It's everything good out of life sort of comes from delayed gratification and discipline. And diet and exercise is really the daily discipline reminder. If you really think about, you know, if you think about, I'm climbing Mount Everest. All right, but that's a once in a lifetime discipline, you know, or I'm going to get my pilot's license or some other thing. That's a discipline or there's boot camp in the Marines. But diet every single day you wake up and you go, God, I'd love some Pop Tarts. And then a little voice in your head goes, no, no, no, no, don't do it. Don't do it. And that's you exercising discipline. And do you keep Pop Tarts in the house? No, I would never, I wouldn't bring them in the house, but I will tell you this. And one more reason to. Do you keep Pop Tarts in the house? I'm not going to answer to these questions. God damn it. Just the fruity ones, never the chosen. The hard questions that you get on this show. I'll tell you, Bill, do you keep Pop Tarts in the house? Not like you're ever going to have any fucking kids, but one more reason not to have kids is Pop Tarts will be in the house. And when you have fucking kids, you open the pantry and you see a line of Pop Tarts and breakfast cereals and cookies and s'mores and you just go, "Oh my God." And then you open the fridge and it's all the pizzas and Italian take out and pasta and all the carbs and all the shit you have to eat. It's all there. I had fruity pebbles in my pantry once. Well, that's not, that's what that was my girlfriend. Yes, that's the kids in the pot. That's not, okay. So I open, you open your, you open the fridge at night and you'll find a whole pizza and there that they ate, you know, a half of her. But they can get away with it. No, they can, but you're there. And you had a drink and you're starting to look at those Pop Tarts in a real loving way. And then a point in your brain kicks in and he goes, "No, don't, don't do it, don't do it." And that's the same thing that says, "Do another 10 minutes on the treadmill." Right. You're working, right. You're, you're, you're doing the monologue for your show and you're tired and you want to watch TV. But no, no, no, no, no, let's give it a little more time. You got a book. There's a date. I have got to be published. Never phoned in one minute. One minute. I've never phoned in one minute of politically incorrect real time. 33 years on TV that you can't get me on. No, I absolutely. I want to know why I can tell. I do. You know, yes, you're right mostly. But what I usually tell myself in those moments is I know you want to like give in to the, you know, short term, save it for when you really need it. Right. Because sometimes you do really need it. Right. Sometimes you have to give in. Right. And it is the right thing to do to have the Pop Tart. Right. Right. It's at it. Sometimes it's the right thing to have the Pop Tart. Well, what I'm saying is the diet is an everyday sort of exercise. It's, it's gravity. It's always on time. Right. And it never goes away. And you don't know how many times a day you discipline yourself to go, I mean, how many, I can't tell you how many, I've worked with young people, you know, and, and, and I'm there during the day. And they go, we're going to the habit. I'm going to in and out burger. We're doing a lunch run. You want anything boss? And I go, fuck yes, I do. That's what my brain thinks. I go, what a fucking double double and fries, mother shit. And I go, no, no, I'm, I'm good. I'm in a restaurant. The waiter says, would you like a drink to start? Right. Yeah, I'd like it. Right. But I'm not going to order it. Right. Because I don't drink except here. And then dessert me too. That's why I'd appreciate not taking three years off, because I need a pop. But no, and then dessert. We got key lime pie. And you're like, but you know, so I think ozemic is great for weight loss, but bad for discipline. You're so right. I've sent, I've made the same point as much as I can. And boy, of all the third rails you can touch in America. This is the one that they just cannot accept. You cannot be honest about obesity. And it's like, I'm always, I'm, first of all, I'd never do like the cheap jokes about it. And believe me, I'm, those jokes are submitted I could. I'm just trying to state the facts and, and say it outright. And I remember, you know, James Corden, you remember that when he went after me. And you probably defended me, you know, you have been before I get too stoned to forget to mention this. You've been so supportive of our little enterprise here. And we appreciate it so much. Well, you're telling the truth. And yeah, as are you. I mean, it's just, it's just, but it's very appreciated because, you know, it's so hard to not be on one of the extremes. Yeah. To not have a team. I mean, it just really sucks. And especially in this town, where everyone's on one team. And it's, and it's not, I mean, as I always say to my well friends, we voted for the same person. You're just why she lost. Right. Right. They do not like that. Right. They, they, they are very exclusionary. Yes. You know, they really just don't want to breathe the same air if you're not exactly with the group thing. Yes, which is, while they're not that bright, I know. And it's, it's, it's, it's sort, it's counterintuitive to me because I always feel like you should be looking for things you agree on, not looking for things you disagree on. And it just makes life so much easier and so much better. And it's almost like saying, look, we'd like to go out to dinner. Let's not try to figure out what food you hate. And I love, let's try to figure out the food we both love and let's go enjoy ourselves. And it's pretty easy to do because if you think about most people who you may disagree with or maybe I disagree with, it's not, it's not 10 out of 10 things. It's, we agree on eight out of 10 things. Right. And maybe we have a disagreement about two out of 10 things. I know. People say to me all the time, oh, you're, you know, Republican and right leaning. I go, listen, I don't own a gun. I'm not religious at all. I'm for abortion and pot smoking. And how, how right can I be? You put your finger on the thing that makes me so incensed about the woke and the far left, which is this that they, they want to characterize people. You, me, Barry Weiss, you know, who's a lesbian and Jewish and things that used to like be our, we don't, we need no further credentials to let you know that we are certainly not conservatives. We're not right wingers. We're not, whatever you think. And yet it's never enough of them. It's never enough that we're, we're just not willing to go along with your insanity. That doesn't make us conservatives. Right. No, I agree, I agree. Barry's great. And, and there's many people that way. And again, it's, it's, it's interesting because they feel compelled to put you somewhere. And if you don't conform and it doesn't, it doesn't work. Yes, then they have, they have an issue with it. But I think, well, first off, the, here's the thing. Imagine if you had to conform. I mean, imagine if COVID came around and you just had to go in. I did. All in on all of it. I did have to conform. I didn't want the vaccine at all. Now, if I'm against all vaccines, just, I didn't think I needed that one. But I had to have it. I couldn't have continued my life. Right. They wouldn't have let me do the show. And I do it here. I did it in this room. Well, that's, that's basically what I'm saying. Let's talk about the vaccine. The vaccine came around in COVID camera. And, and I have twins. And at the time, boy girl, with the fucking pop stars, God damn it. And, and they were like 14, you know, and 14. There were 14 at the time of COVID. And, and I had at the time elderly parents. And so people would come to me and they go, what about the vaccine? And I would go, well, my elderly mom and my elderly dad should get the vaccine. And my kids shouldn't get the vaccine. And they go, so you're against vaccines. It's like, can we have a little fucking nuance here? That is such a perfect microcosm of reasonableness to me. Right. Yes. 14 and 94 are different. Yes. And if you don't see that, you are not the science people. No, you're actually anti-science because my 14-year-olds don't need it at all because they're healthy, thin, and active. And my elderly parents do. And so that's why I come down on this. Why is that an issue? I don't even get why that's even a thing. Why would you even say anything about it? No, that's such a, it's like the perfect example to prove why we, you know, I say this like we should, like we're going to do anything. I say we should, but we should come. to the middle where there is always to literally every problem that seems so intractable. There really is some pretty easy if people would just stop being so extreme middle ground grand bargain. We used to have grand bargains in this country where they would each side would come to the table and they would understand we're not going to get everything you know we're going to get Greenland but we're not going to actually own it with the deed. Right. Come on. I mean look is he the first guy to ever suggest we should have Greenland? No he's not. I mean so there's that side and then my always bitch about the media is like you never read the whole story in either organ. You have to read something from both sides to get the full story. So like I never read in the red in the leftist press that no he's not the first president we've been suggested like presidents have thought about Greenland before. Okay but then of course it's insane to say we're going to take it by force. That was crazy. But you know Greenland is it the craziest idea anybody has ever had? No and could it be super valuable? Yes is it worth like making the whole world hate us? No you know again there's always just a middle ground even on something like Greenland which by the way before he came along I'd never been thinking about. Now I agree he does. But maybe we should have. Maybe we should have. That's also should be on the table. I agree I don't you know I don't know if there's a you know I don't you know Trump has well there he has like he has bunches of different ideas. He has you know let's make Canada the 51st day but I think he's just talking you know to me like I don't know that he really thinks that then he has stuff like let's move the embassy from Tel Aviv to you know wherever and Israel Jerusalem which which every president had on his desk they just pocketvited it for administration after administration it always should have happened and he did it. Right and I make no apologies for giving him complete credit for doing the right thing that everybody said they were going to do and then they didn't have the balls. But the left said the Middle East is going to be on fire if you do it and then he did it and nothing happens right so there's been the Jewish capital since a thousand AD a thousand BC. Right so so then there's a stuff he does do that everyone says it's never going to work but it does and there's a stuff he doesn't do that he probably never was going to do but most interestingly enough I guess with Trump is he brings up a lot of stuff where you go well never thought of that. I never thought about Greenland I always call him president I've got an idea. There's just not anything he surveys that he doesn't think he can fix whether it's the ballroom the lack of at the White House which by the way I don't give a shit about either way or the Kennedy Center or NATO or Greenland or you know credit card rates are too high. No but he does do a thing like sometimes where he goes why don't we take Palestine and make it into a golf resort and have beautiful it'll be like Miami Beach you know and I go you know everyone's first impulses this is outrageous and then the next one is like well I don't know maybe there's something there you know of course he's always over the top yes he describes anything but the idea that that Gaza could have always been Abu Dhabi right which is not a golf resort but which is a very successful Western shall we say influenced culture still a Middle Eastern country obviously that is rich and doing well and the citizens are prospering other people have said that for decades Gaza could have been that Israel gave it back gave it back it wasn't a negotiation it was like okay you know what you take it and what did they do they imported missiles from Iran and built tunnels and did nothing but try to destroy Israel that's what they did with their independent right that is not the fault of Zionists or anybody else in the world but them yeah that's what they did from 2005 when they had it all to their own they could have made it Abu Dhabi know it shouldn't be Miami Beach either like Miami Beach itself is too much for me I once thought about moving to Miami Beach when the pollution here got so bad I couldn't see the sun for a week but I pulled back Miami Beach and I get it they they created what they're living in and I don't know why that's so controversial you know I don't know why we because energized with that I have a list of like 30s important things that Trump has done in the first year that I am against and that I do not like but his idea his just sort of macro 30,000 feet idea that Western civilization is the civilization we should defend and that it is under attack and that Israel is the front line in that fight is right yes and I am aligned with that point of view does he carry it out the way I would like no he carries nothing out the way I would like but I can't deny that that's the truth too Western civilization I believe in it yes the elements of it that we that everyone in this country not everyone but lots of people just take for granted your free speech and you're right to where what you want and be who you want and love who you want this is not everywhere in the world and this this this civilization that you seem to want to promote to this status of being the downtrodden people who deserve our most heartfelt sympathy well that's also the civilization that is most oppressive to women and gay people and other people that are sort of important to your coalition I thought well I think of it this way which is America is constantly comparing itself to some civilization that never existed some utopian you know civilization and it's really I mean it's really this because you know it's like as you know we invented slavery we we were the only country in the world that ever engaged in this and stuff and it's like I got to stop you because there are people listening to this I hope not many because we have a very smart audience who heard you say sarcastically we invented slavery and they went yeah we did yeah because there are lots of people who think that right okay so we didn't every nation and every civilization yes slaves and we were probably late to the slave was it even really usually about race because they did it with people because travel was so difficult who lived near them right so like them everybody's involved with this and and we had a war to stop it and so all we can do is sort of compare ourselves to civilizations that either exist now or before so it's almost like saying you know it's like saying oh you know the Seattle Seahawks 13 and 3 or 14 and 3 or whatever bit big what what about this team that never existed that went 17 and 0 for the last thousand years and won every Super Bowl it's like no team has done that you can compare yourself to other teams in the league didn't the dolphins go 17 and 0 and they want they went I think 14 and 0 or something maybe it was before the 17 games season oh it was definitely with the playoffs I think there's a 14 game season 14 game season that playoffs and whatever yes one team ran the table one time just saying don't shit on Don Shula now it was freshly or popped hard or Larry Zonka when you're here right never but one team did it once it's been six years so here's what I'm saying we don't compare ourselves to a team that never existed that never lost the Super Bowl and never lost a game we have to compare ourselves to other teams in the league yes and we are essentially yes the Pittsburgh Steelers that's done a lot of winning and had one a bunch of Super Bowls or maybe the 49ers or whatever it is and then other places are the Cleveland Browns and they've never won a Super Bowl and they don't have they don't have more than 500 type seasons they're always they're always deficits but the point is is why are we comparing ourselves the teams that never existed or to put it another way have we not live up to our our ideals of course we have not were humans and compromises have to be made but the ideals that everybody around the world including those who shit on us want us to live up to we created right we created those ideals yes could we get a little credit right trial by jury right A little credit for equal rights for minorities. I like, you know, freedom of the press. These things weren't like given to us when they were, you know, in 2001 throwing the eggs or throwing the bone up in the air. They had to be one hard, hard-winning fights, hard battles that we had to undertake to get to these places. People didn't just come along. There's also kind of a bottom line, which is if we're as whatever's you guys all say we are, why is everyone trying to get here? And if we're so oppressive to minorities and people of color and people look different than us, why are they the number one group who's trying to get into this country? You do the math. I mean, there's a, there's a kind. There's a lack of perspective. Yes, my complaint is just, it's never that, you know, we, I'm not saying, you don't study slavery. Of course, even when I was a kid, we, we studied slavery and we were told it was bad. Did we obsess about it? No, maybe we should have a little more, but I mean, I was an eighth grade history class. I remember this. With a conservative teacher, I remember this guy. I remember my parents didn't especially like him, they thought he was, and he was. But of course, in those days, they didn't put that out very much in the classroom. But even as an eighth grade kid, I could kind of read between the lines. I remember there was a, a demonstration about the Vietnam War. And he kind of let us know he took a dim view of that. Okay, fine. But we didn't get too political. But even with this guy, I got it, slavery bad. I saw roots with my mom in North Hollywood in her. What? I thought your mom was never there. And now you watch roots with her. She never left the house, so she was always there. She just didn't have basic cables. Wait a second, Adam, girl, I feel like I have just been taken in by a sob story. And now you tell me, you let it slip because you're drunk. Right. That you eat pop tarts and you watched roots with your mom. That's right. Tell me about it. Tell me about that experience. I think Alex Haley, probably a seven-part series. Yes. Oh, I remember it so vividly, I was in college. It certainly got on everybody's radar. It was January. It was, I remember it aired in January when everyone was inside. Nobody was out. It was freezing cold. And there it was, this groundbreaking. And it was great. And I remember it had in it an actor who was one of my favorite actors because he was the star of combat. He later won. Oh, Lavar Burton? No, no. No. That's a job. Lavar Burton. Good, Vick Morrow. Vick Morrow. Vick Morrow. Oh. Who was the star of combat? Yes. The greatest show ever, which Steven Spielberg meant into the greatest movie ever. She called in "Saving Private Ryan" just as a combat episode ever. Yes. But Vick Morrow, unfortunately, later lost his head filming a movie, literally. And it was the craziest thing with the helicopter crash. It was a crash. It was a shoe kids. Well, it wasn't a crash. The blade cut his head off. Well, yeah. No. I mean, the helicopter crashed in the blade. Yes. It was head off. It was also holding two kids. Children. Two. But they survived, right? No. No. They died, too. We should think it possible for him to hold two four-year-olds and have a helicopter blade go across his chest. Anyway, let's go back to Roots, sorry, subject you're trying to avoid because it extoses your lie about your bedchild. I watched it with my mom. And the whole time she just looked at me and she went, "Do you see how bad we are? Do you see what happens?" Do you see a parent? I see a parent caring for you. She did. There. That's what I see. A parent caring thing. I'm asking and trying to teach you a lesson by watching Roots with you. The lesson was learned. What was it? We are evil. We have a horrible history and this is all our fault. And that's the message that's stuck with me. But I learned it. You learned it. This thing where it's like they're trying to erase history. It's like, "What do you mean?" Right. I'm not totally aware of this. I feel like everyone is aware of it. And I don't feel like there's anyone who can escape it at this point. I'm not sure that all the time in Mississippi, they were teaching that Lincoln's birth. They was a great thing. Right. I'm not sure about that. And they did call it, they did not call it the Civil War. They called it the War of Northern Aggression in Mississippi. I believe in the South. On the South? There was, you can, you know, please go to the stacks. Look at the microfiche. Am I behind the times on this? Okay. No, no. I was looking at microfiche earlier. Today, yeah, I pulled my studs bare-cat into the library and I got my raccoon cut out and I said, "Do you know what?" Oh, it was after that. I said, "22. Okay. To the library." No, no, no. We're talking about the 1980s. Yeah, I know. But, yeah. But I think you will find that in the Southern States, there is a different view of it. But in general, we acknowledge it and what I was trying to tell, for example, Marshawn Lynch was here recently and I don't feel like he really had been apprised of the idea that slavery had occurred all over the world throughout history. You know, and I tried to make the case that humans are not good people. Yeah. It's just not whites that are good people. Humans are not good. I mean, obviously, they all basically act the same, and Africans were very involved with the slave trade. They were very involved. Right. And so, we have a narrative and the narrative is a one that paints a kind of a picture that is not totally accurate and by the way, if I was Marshawn Lynch and this is kind of my problem, I guess, with the media, which is if somebody said to me, "Look, cops shoot black people and they shoot white people," and they sort of equal opportunity offenders, then I would go, "Okay." But if the narrative is black people have a target on their back and cops are gunning for them and they're not welcome in this society and their systemic racism, then that would be very agitating to a black person. Well, I would assume. It's also what I call a zombie lie. Right. What was it true? Of course, it was true. Could you find it true in pockets of America today, possibly? What percentage of cops shootings or cop anything's fatalities or whatever would go away if the person just 100% complied with whatever the orders were, roll the window down or hands on the wheel, like, whatever, whatever people think is demeaning or beyond the scope of his ability, I contend they would all go away. I will give you that point of almost every bad cop killing that we hate, that if the person white or black, because we've seen white now in Minneapolis, if the person just went, whatever you need, I'll do it, it would end tomorrow. I will give you that point. And there could still be bad cop shootings, but I'm going to give you that point. Give me this point. Okay. Here's the deal. Here's our grand bargain. I'll give you that point. Yes. Yes. If you don't fuck with the cops, you will probably not get shot. Yes. Also, the cops have to have different training so that job one isn't, if you don't respect me to the utmost degree, I get to fucking shoot you. A lot of them just have a bad attitude. That's what we saw with the one this last week in Minneapolis, this Alex Prediguy. Okay. What he did basically was not conform to doing what he used, exactly what he used, and yes, you should, but also it can't be, it means for an execution. The cops are, it attracts too many people, that job, who want to be bullies, give people a badge, it's a license to be an asshole. Now, some of that is going to have to get in. That's just the job, okay? But you could have training that tries to ameliorate that issue, that problem, that if you just don't do exactly what I say, I have the right to fucking kill you. That's got to go away. The sign on the door says to protect and serve, that refers to us. No, us. Not you. I agree. I agree. But here's what I think. You're right. Here's what I think you may be wrong. I think you're wrong. I don't. Some guys call on your pussy. see cocksucker for the last two hours, and spitting in your face. And you have a gun strapped your ear, and you play the little football in junior college. I don't know if you would be, I didn't go to high school that I wouldn't shoot you. - So true. - So we're creating something that's unrealistic. They're going, you're saying to every asshole I went to high school with, here's a gun. Now I'm gonna stay in the front of you and call you a fucking pussy and spit at you, but don't use that gun. Don't ever use that gun. At some point I might start pushing you, but don't use the gun. But only if you see me reaching for something that might be a gun, then you can use that gun. It's an impossibility to not do it. I've said this to people a million times. Don't look at cops as cops. Look at them as dudes with guns. And you wouldn't go up to a dude with a gun and start calling him a pussy and getting in his face and saying his old lady's snatch stunk. He's got a gun. Just treat it like he has a gun. - That's so brilliant. Really, that dudes with cops are dudes with guns. That's so brilliant. - That's all they are. And they may have badges and they may have hats, but for that millisecond, they're dudes with guns. And act accordingly and don't walk toward them screaming, shoot me or fuck you or I dare you. They're dudes with guns. - You know what it reminds me of? Many is the time. Well, a few times. I went out to a strip club with some guy who'd never been there before. And it's like the froth is coming out of their mouth. They think they're gonna get blown in the champagne room. And my advice is always, just pretend this is a regular bar. - Right. - Just pretend it's a regular bar. And then if a hot chick comes up and starts talking to you, think how happy you-- - Right. - Okay, that's happening. - Right. - You're not gonna get blown in the champagne room. Or you shouldn't. - Right, if you are, we're in the wrong kind of strip club. It's not gonna be good for anybody. Just be happy for what this is. - Right. - And not have these expectations. - Yes. - So let's go to the strip club. - I agree. Where's my gun? - So you're not a gun, but you would go to a strip club? - Yes. - You're single now? - Yeah, well no, I have a girlfriend. How long? - She's like five foot eight. (laughing) I don't know, why do you care how long she was? She a Marlin? - Yeah. (laughing) - Okay, Groucho. - Very good crowd show. - How dare you demean me? - Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Groucho said she was genius. I was like, "The March Brothers." - As a March Brothers. - Yeah, I've never, I don't know, no, it's even a joke. - How long? - But yeah, because if you say how long if you've been going out, we don't get it, but you just said how long, that's why it triggered me. - It's perfect, it should be a classic March Brothers or something from that era. It's a joke that somebody should have written in 19. - I'm sure some Vod Villian guy, I would think I would have been aware if they did. - How long is a brand new joke? - Well, they just found a letter that was mailed in 1922 that got there, you know. Sometimes a diamond just does stay in the rough. - All right, I will take full credit for the amount. - How long have you been going out with this alleged girlfriend of yours? - Three years. - I hear she's from Canada, which is what people say when they want to think you have a girlfriend, but you really don't. Three years from here. - Yeah. - So this was going on during your divorce? - Yeah, yeah, during the divorce. - Yes, yeah. - Wow, that's a patient woman who's, 'cause usually women are turned off by a guy going through a divorce. - That's why. - Yeah, no, I agree. And she's a saint that way. And, you know, divorce is like, you know, it's really, divorce is kind of an interesting metaphor, because it sort of ties into all the Somali fraud and everything else, which is like, and I hear it's wild. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we're out, we got the, I missed the recap on this streaming show. How did we get to Somali fraud? - I'll bring it home for you. - Which is the laws in California, about divorce, entice people to do the wrong thing and entice them to be bad and immoral. And what is the wrong thing? What is the abuse? - Well, if you say, look, I'll give you an example, a child support. So they go, look, here are the laws in California for child support. You have to pay some exorbitant amount for child support, you know, in my case, I know it was like $19,000 a month, like my fucking mom, ever spent $19, my entire life, you know, sitting there watching it. It's a lot of fruity, it's a lot of fruity, black and white, seeing it TV. Like so, first off, the fact that it takes 19 grand a month to raise kids is insane. There should be just a set amount. You know, it's 3 grand, it's $20,000. - That's all because you're rich. - Right, it's only because I'm rich, that's fine. But you pay $19,000 a month for child support, right? And then what happens is, is, oh, one of the kids wants to fly out and look at colleges and Arizona or Seattle or something like that. And they go, who's paying for the tickets? And you go, well, take it out of the 19. And they go, no, that's not covered by the 19. And you go, I don't get it, it's a child support. - What is covered by the 19? I mean, like dental. - Every month? - It's literally, every month, you're a dental? - No, what I'm saying is, is you go, oh, your daughter wants to go to prom, and she wants to buy a prom dress. So we're gonna split the price of the prom dress. And you go, no, take it out of the 19. You go, that's not covered by the 19. - I'm asking what is? - I give food, shelter. - I don't think I spend $19,000 on food. - That's the whole point where you're on ozampic, so. - No, I'm not. - Well, that's what I heard, Bill. You're pretty high. - The point is pretty high. - That's undeniable. - All right, the point is, I'm talking about the system, right? All right, so what's left over on the night after the month with the 19 goes into your ex-wife's pocket, or the other person's pocket. So we created a system where I pay in 19. It doesn't cover the prom dress, or the flight to Arizona to look at colleges. And if there's anything left over at the end, I don't get it back. It goes to your ex-wife. That's a fucked up system that's incentivizing them to spend less on the kids, because it goes into their pocket. So California has tons of fucking rules that incentivize women to be immoral and do the wrong thing, morally. Now, you go to Minnesota and Somalis. There's a whole bunch of systems that go, look, how's your kid doing? He's fine. Do you think he's on the spectrum? I don't know. Sometimes he closes his eyes when I talk. - That's good. He can get $2,400 a month. And you go, "What?" Because he closes his eyes when I believe he's on the spectrum. Now, go get your $2,400 a month. We incentivize people to do the wrong fucking thing in this country. And this country is not filled with bad people, and it's not filled with criminals. It's filled with weak people, who will do whatever they need to do. I tell people all the time. Everybody, almost everyone I know, if they find a wallet on the ground, and it's got an ID in it, and it's got cash in it, and it's got the guys' kids' pictures in it, they will return it. They'll do the right thing. If you find cash on the ground, you take it, you put it in your pocket, and you keep walking. You don't turn it into the lost and found. You can't leave cash on the fucking ground. That's what we're doing with all these centers, and kids' lunches, and kids' first step forward, and all these, of course, there's $24 billion out the window with homelessness. We've incentivized people to do all these NGOs, and nonprofits, and groups that are advocates for. They're going to do this because they're human, and they're going to do the wrong thing just like people do in divorce. And it starts with the stupid idea. Again, the left's going way too far, missing their stop on the subway, and falling asleep on the train, and waking up in Canarsie, with the idea that we need to normalize homelessness. Defend it. Defend it like it's a marginalized group. There are unhoused. There are unhoused, and they are unhoused. And we should do something about it, but the answer among liberals used to be, "Get them under a roof." Whatever it takes, as opposed to what the woke say, which is like, "How dare you disturb this. " - Yeah, protected. - They're like majestic creatures in the wild. - That's what I'm hand-to-bears, you know what I'm saying? - Just stand back, give 'em some bamboo. Let 'em breathe. - Well, I hear some point that I said, on the first day when the fires hit Malibu, I lived in Malibu. I live in Malibu, but I was evacuated and I went to a hotel room. This is the one a year ago the fire the big fire. It's the big fire. Yes Do you know that I want to took down Chicago in 1911? Do you know that I was taping here with Matt Gaetz Who's who came up from San Diego drove through a fire to get here and we taped right until they told us to evacuate Really here and he was charging his car in my garage and The second I mean we taped right up into the moment. They said you have to go now Matt Gaetz drives an electric car. Yes, the news and drives through a fire to keep it an appointment I gotta give him that well. I was evacuated from Malibu and I ended up in a hotel room and I were in Burbank, California and I beautiful downtown Burbank. Did a mean Johnny Carson's ghost were in this hotel in Burbank and I Did my podcast from that hotel room because my studio was Powerless because the winds had taken out the power lines and I had no power But I was able to do it the thing and I said That morning after the fire I Said look first off no permits. You guys think you're coming back with permits. You're not coming back with permits You're not getting any permits. That's the way the city rolls. I was in I was a contractor There isn't you guys don't know it, but there's no permits, which I want to talk to you about But I said at the time I said look there's 5,000 people that are unhoused overnight There's the entire population of Malibu the Palisades out to Dina. We're talking about about 5,000 some of them tragedy We did not even have second homes. I know some of the folks had to go all the way to Aspen to their second Third home said. Oh guys had to hang out with Costner. There's nothing saider than the second homeless. The they are second home, but I said But out to Dina is working class. You're totally real. Absolutely. It's not Pasadena, and it's not Palisades It's not Malibu. Even people in the Pacific Palace. Palisades for sure. No, some of those people walked the houses in Their school teachers and it lived exactly and they got in before it was they bought a house in the palisades for 49,000 And the guy was a school teacher. Exactly. It's not all people who know it. It's not all Tom Hanks But here's the point. The point is the fires hit last night These people were Unhoused and they were literally homeless because their house was spurred to the ground How many of them are sleeping on the sidewalks this morning? And the answer is zero Nobody who is literally unhoused is unhoused So what happened? Well, they have a network. They're not fentanyl addicts They didn't run a foul of everybody in their family and everyone in the world. They When I was homeless and I was homeless dr. Drew Jimmy Kimmel My network like reach out to me and said do you want to stay in my guest house? Do you want to flop on my sofa? I have a credit card. I could stay in a hotel like I have a network. I built a base. Yeah, it's not like The home was the reason I was in homeless. I have a base Everyone is homeless overnight. No one slept on the sidewalk. So it's not the homes It's something else. It's mental. Well, it's addiction. It's also money The biggest the biggest difference between black and white in America is legacy wealth That's the huge thing the average. I don't know the I'm gonna I'm not gonna try to quote because I'll get it wrong, but like the average Wealth of like a single black woman is very low. Yes, and like the average wealth of like white people is like $170,000 because of all the years and decades and centuries where we only got to accumulate wealth. Yeah But hold on Asians are above us and Nigerians are above them like it's not all skin color That is successful. Asians come here. Armenians. But if you're talking about why people couldn't find a home When their house burned down some of it absolutely is because you have a more The word privilege network and like but I built it Yeah, I built that you built it and you inherited it. I didn't inherit it. Well, you did somewhat by being white There is some truth in that. There is some truth in that. There is just more white wealth in America So when you are so when you are okay, so when you have a tragedy There is a lot more people who say I have a credit card Like among the black community someone don't even have credit No, no My built the wealth which is I hung out with dudes who don't have anything and I somehow Met and made my way toward Dr. Drew and Jimmy Kimmel and Mark Garagos and things like that. I made that I know And it wasn't because I was white. It's because I moved through I know the system listen to who your friends are That's not the average person's friend. It's certainly not the average black person saying it's the average person's friend I mean, you know and Jimmy Kimmel, you know, he's very mad at me and I know you're close to him I help you tell him that you know I'm sorry that you know he they got bent out of shape. I don't think anything wrong We can have disagreements. I mean you and I don't agree on everything look at this clash now and yet we're cool Like the Republicans are always this is a difference between the the white right and the left it bugs me so much My tribe is supposed to be the left, but these are the people who just can't talk to you unless you're exactly there Where's the Republicans? They always fucking come to my show John Kennedy from Louisiana right was on last week Yeah, it took his beating like a man Like they all do and we came across lovingly and smilingly and happily and we can disagree I agree when I aren't always completely on the same page although we're very close because we're both smart guys But like I just don't get that from from and Jimmy. I'm sorry Like I think this is one of the nicest guys I did a me a couple when we Exchange emails not about what he was complaining about, but just saying like you know sometimes I am a little brash About me when they compare me with the other late night guys, and I'm like I'm not like you guys I'm not you could all exchange your monologues all of you and no one would know the difference in tone tone, okay Whereas me I'm not there. I know I I'm not in on your I'm not I don't just buy into the left wing bullshit And I never stop making fun of the right wing bullshit at all right, and like if that's not good enough for you Then I think you're the asshole And I don't I don't think Jimmy is an asshole. No, I think he's a great guy and it bugs me that you know Because of what the latest thing was that you know We may never talk you guys should be thickest thieves and in all the same page and and I'll tell you something interesting Talking about left and talking about right and in disagreements. I said to Tucker Carlson once and this is probably about six seven years ago. I said Tucker why don't you get together a network of Republican or sort of conservative? Why don't you put together your own kind of conservative network? And he said I it won't work and I said why not he said they all disagree With everything each other is saying all the time And I said what do you mean? He said well, I mean you take something like COVID Half Republican and I don't mean Republican. I should conservatives are going get the shot get the shot the other going never it's poison You know who's the one who got the shot right and they're constantly you see Candace Owens and Megan Kelly and they're all like sniping and battling And Shapiro and Margiela Green my right soul this Friday this cabal right of a people constantly disagreeing and arguing all the time about everything See you can't get them on the same page, but he said the left you can get them on the same page You can give them to agree to stuff you can give them sort of You take COVID. I didn't hear any dissenting voices on see it And yet you because you are intellectually honest and you're not exactly Left wing, but CNN MSNBC even ABC. They're all just they were mect and they were just And they were just organs of the The organs of the government which is not their function. There's supposed to be watchdogs of the government right So but it's so funny you say that because I think of it as the opposite you said You know, the right wing, oh, there's so much dissent. I mean, I-- I feel like now, in the last month since Minneapolis, there's been descent on the right. But I think in general, I think of them as like, we just, whatever Trump wants, we rubber stamp. I mean, you can't tell me that Congress is-- - I don't mean Congress. I mean, like amongst the taste makers, you know, you're sort of Tucker Carlson's, your Candace Owens, your bench, your parents. - You're wearing this. - They're all over the map. - They're all battling each other. - They're fighting each other. - Right, and on the left, everyone's sort of lockstep in terms of the taste maker. - Right, Ben Shapiro, Yamaka, Tucker Carlson, Hitler. - Right, right, right. - That's so bad. - Right, right, so what the fuck? - But all I'm saying is, is whether you agree or disagree, at least they're being honest, because when you hear the dissenting voices, you're hearing the least-- - You think Candace Owens is honest. You think Candace Owens believes what she's saying. That's a tough one, I gotta say. And by the way, I don't follow her. I just hear the sort of rumblings. I did say to Chris Cuomo, when he said to me, like, you know, do you really believe Ben Shapiro or Dennis Prager or Tucker Carlson? I go, oh, they believe it. You can disagree with it all you want, but that's how they think. I mean, I would say the exact same thing about you is I would say about Ben Shapiro. 100% you guys believe, will you believe? - Absolutely. - And you? - Yeah, I feel that way too. It doesn't make you right. - And by the way, there's nothing you believe that you have anything to apologize for, even if someone disagrees with you. But by the way, Candace Owens, he may be a provocateur. Like, I may be. - Oh. - I mean, she is a provocateur. What I'm saying is, she may be saying things that she knows isn't true to create something. I do not think you would do that. I think Ben Shapiro does that. I think I do that, I don't think many other people do that. - Well, I know, she's very entertaining, which can be dangerous because she has something to ridiculous beliefs. - Yes. - But I mean, she's entertaining. When I finish listening to her, I'm over the moon. Not that we landed on it. (laughs) I do want to bring up something that I watch all the time and I cite it and I appreciate you when you had Jane Fonda on the show. And you were, and so I want to tell you something about you on this show. - On this show. - No, this is a show. - Yeah, whatever, this is. I would hardly go on the show, but it is entertaining. - But I want to, there's a couple of things. I said my entire career. I said, listen, I used to be a contractor. I used to have to pull permits. I used to have to deal with the city. Plan check and all of the above. I had to deal with all of it. And I would always say, look, if you're living in Santa Monica and you have rent control apartment, good, vote the way you vote, I get it. But buy a piece of land, get a home, go to the city, try to pull a permit, and then tell me how you feel about this government. Because I think it's too fucking big. And you go, what, we get rent control. You get rent control, go buy a piece of property, try to do a remod, go talk to the city, and then tell me how you feel. - Because you're doing this to your home. - Right, and I've done-- - You were wiped out. - I, well, I, no, I wasn't wiped out. My home is intact in Malibu. Everything around it is burnt, but my business was doing it to other people's homes. - Why did you do your home survive? - God loves me. You should know that, Bill. - No, really, everything around you burned? - I would say 80% of what was around me burned. - And do you take precautions that others didn't? Did you like, like, what kind of wet in the roof? - No, no, I didn't, I changed my roof since last year. - I have a whole different roof. - And I have a thing that goes in the pool where you pump it, you shoot the pool up on the roof. - No, I did nothing and just complete lock of the draw like the, the hood, the SS hood, which was a British ship sunk by blown up by the Bismarck in World War II and 1800 sailors went to the ground and six popped up and sorry, went to the drink and six sort of came up. Six guys is floating in the ocean and 1800 dead. And you go, what did you do? And the answers, I don't know, I just popped up. That was basically me in Malibu. - Yeah, I called this club random, not club fate. - Right, exactly. - And I believe in random. - Jane Fonda came on your show and you were talking to her about regulation and over-regulation and red tape. And she said to you, I don't think there's enough. And I was like, are you fucking nuts? And I realized she didn't know what was going on then you talked about your garage door. But the point is is you got turned a little bit with your solar shack. And I said it a million times. Live and rent control, fine. Go get your own home and try to pull a permit. You'll start thinking more like me. And you try to get your solar shack permit. And that took two years. - Two years while I was yelling at them on the air. This is how arrogant the government is in California. - This is how bad it is when one party controls any government of either party. I was embarrassing them on the air for weeks and still nothing happened. Until the governor himself intervened and said, you know, this is getting embarrassing. And of course it was a bunch of bullshit. None of it ever needed to happen. It wasn't even the one that bothered me the most. The one that bothered me the most was my garage door. When I moved into this house it had a three garage door. - Okay, it doesn't fit three cars. I don't know what these cars are. They fit three motorcycles. - Right, they were. - So okay, like I don't live in a fucking mansion. I don't want to, I live alone. Okay, I've got a wonderful house. Happy to have it. No one would mistake it for like, you know, lifestyles are the rich and famous. Okay, so I wanted to change my three car garage, wink, wink to what it should be, a two car garage. This took three inspections. Inspection for my, I'm just changing my garage. Why do you have to be involved in my life when I'm changing my garage? - Because. - If it falls down in my head, that's my fault for doing it with a bad contract. - Right, and now you get to rebuilding the palisades in Malibu and what's not happening because of this. But here's the question, the New York Post, which I always loved because it kept me connected with the city of my formative years. And now it's the California Post and you can't get the New York Post out here. So they ruined my life because I wanted the New York Post because I grew up in New Jersey. My father commuted to New York. Okay, New York sports teams, New York radio, New York television. I was a minority owner of the New York Metz. I started my stand-up career in New York, started my television career in New York. I want to know about New York, it interests me. Doesn't exist anymore. So the California Post and they printed this interview with Trump, I did one, too, for the inauguration. And Trump says, well, we're gonna go in and we're gonna change the permitting laws. Now, he is obviously a guy who just pulls thing out of his ass. I get the impetus to do this. Like, why wouldn't you want to do that? He, again, he's the guy who sees a problem anywhere and he goes, I can fix that. Right. But is there any jurisdiction for the president to override local permitting laws? I think they're, I don't know about precedent because no one cared and never exists. And if you're building a log cabin in 1871, there's no court case on that. I think he can, 'cause I've heard something about it, but the point is it's a metaphor for government and the size of government. When you can't do what you want to do on your land that you own and that you pay taxes on, and you need to ask fucking permission from them to do stuff on your land. Exactly. Then we have gone across the Rubicon. We have crossed the Rubicon. And the fact that I bought a warehouse in Glendale, California. And-- Just for fun? Just for fun. And I wanted to put some cars in there and what have you. And I was building like a storage loft on it. Do you have that many cars? I do have, I have 13 poll newman race cars. I've all the poll newman race cars. A common man, Adam Corolla, seeking for John Q. Sixback. Watchin' roots, eatin' pop-tarts, sitin' in a newman race car. That's it. Keepin' it real. Keepin' it real with my 13 cars. Go ahead. So, I went, they busted me and I said, you gotta pull a permit, blah, blah, blah. They will walk on to your property until you stop and pull a permit. And I went in to the Planning Commission of the city of Glendale, and I said, I want to pull a permit to do some building on my warehouse. And like 24-- five-year-old chick behind the counter goes, what are you going to do with that warehouse? That I bought, by the way. And I said, I'm going to put some cars in there. And she goes, they might let you do that. And I thought, they might let me do that with my-- It's in furious. It's in furious. It's insane, and it's in furious-- It's in furious. And it's a California thing, and unfortunately, it's a blue thing, and it's kind of a left thing. It is. It is. And they're encroaching on everything. It's a step back. Stop making rules. I tell-- I tell everyone that. I tell this to Gavin every time I talk to him. Just knock at the fuck off, and he says, we're doing it, but I don't see it, to be honest. Well, also, why is he doing it when I confront him with it, but I don't see it? No, because they're there to make rules. That's why they got into power. They like it. They like it. What I want-- That's it. They like it. I want-- you know my favorite answer from a politician is, I don't know, I'm not in charge. Ask your dad. I don't run your house. Oh, I can't do that. You want to go to the beach during COVID? Go to the beach during COVID. I'm not here to tell you not to do that. Not to drag in more politics on this, but this is the same issue, really, with children, is that parents do not want to think that anyone-- including government-- is above them in deciding what goes for their children. And that is not the philosophy of the state of California. Not at all. That is not. I mean, Democrats seem to be determined to die on this hill of trans. Again, there could be an easy grand bargain. The first one to defend trans people. It's a real thing. Not everybody who's born in the body that they're supposed to be born into or however you want to put that. But there is a default setting for human beings. And to keep this secret from parents, the parent issue that we're talking about, like the personal life issue, the government to enter your personal life, it is amazing to me that Republicans can't do better in this state, because I certainly know, like, umpteen liberals, liberals, people who vote Democratic who complain about these things, about the parent issue, about the permitting kind of issue, about the regulation issue, taxes, like so many taxes, but my road still sucks. You know, it's like-- but why does the state stay in this mono-party stasis? I don't know what it is. I mean, I think there's an element of sort of fashion where we just go, oh, that's cool. There's a little emperors new clothes. I mean, I definitely felt it with COVID. People acted like they didn't really believe in COVID. I mean, in the sense that people had a mask on, but it was around their chin. What I'm saying is, is you should wear a helmet when you're riding a motorcycle, because there's a real danger you could be concussed or worse riding a motorcycle. Even Gary Bucy. Even Gary Bucy. And I've never seen anyone riding a motorcycle with the helmet under their arm. Because they understand it's a real danger, and they could be hurt. But I saw people with masks around their nut sack and their chin, and over their head, and stuff. And it's like, they were trying to get along. And people in California, I've realized, get so caught up in the sort of fashion of things that they just want to get along. And they don't want to get in trouble. And they don't want to get yelled at. And they don't want to be a nail that a hammer's going to find. So they go, no, no, Gavin Newsom's great. No, no, Karen Pass is great to put the mask on. No, no, get the jab, no, for sure. No, the border, no race, no one's illegal. No one's a-- all people are illegal. Everything is love, science is science. So we're just-- we're down with everything. It's really going to be the fuck alone. So I could go home and eat my pop tarts and watch-- Yeah, I'll just-- I'll just sign your petition outside of Whole Foods. Right, right, just let me get it out. I just-- I mean, get it in my car. I bought a smoothie for $41. I'll sign your shit. I just want to get to the point. For $41, I'll sign your thing that says, I hate privilege. Right, I hate privilege. Excuse me, I've got a castle to buy in Ireland, right? To escape privilege. That's right. Right. And a tea time to make. I'm great to have you. I can. Who is great? I mean, what can I say? That was more fun than you can have with your pants on. Of course, I'm 70 now, so it's not such a big brag. Kind of a fact, but that's amazing, Bill. I know. You look great, and I will say this, too, and-- Oh, I exist. No, I'm not just doing the shoot, but you're getting sharper, and keener, and faster, and more lucid, and the clarity, and the truth. And I think there's a part-- No, I think there's a part. I'm not trying to extend another seven minutes, but I think there's a part of getting older where you go. I can fucking tell the truth. Like I mean, I have-- you have FU money, which is better than FME money, which means you can say whatever the fuck you want. I sure don't have to give $19,000 to a bunch of brats, too, but yeah, get it. You know how many pop-tards that buys? But no, I appreciate you, and 70-- I appreciate it. Incredible, and appreciate everything. It's weird to be the top of your game at 70. Well, you know what is the ultimate tragedy of life, I think, is that you spend an entire lifetime working on this thing that's inside your skull, like gathering information, adding new information, experiences, everything you read, everything that makes you smarter, kinder, better, more aware, more able to make great decisions, as opposed to stupid decisions. All that goes into this thing. And then because this thing gives out, you throw it in the trash with it. It just seems crazy. It seems-- I could see getting rid of the body. But they should have some way of doing a preservation of this thing inside the skull that put all this years and time and effort to gathering all this. And you might say, well, you can pass it on. You can pass on, like, 10%. Yeah, yeah, I agree. You have to learn your own shit. Everybody does. And so it's just such a waste. So basically-- I'm hoping you'll hear that. -- essentially saying you're a Ming Vaz on top of a pedestal that's crumbling, and you're going to crash to the ground. Well, that's a good note to go out on. And the Ming is really what you want to say. All right. Well, thank you. Great to see you, Paul. Good to see you, Ben. [MUSIC PLAYING] Well, that's fun. Top that. [LAUGHS] [MUSIC PLAYING]