096. Aaron Berg, Brendan Sagalow, Nina Kharoufeh | Big Things

All right, Story Warriors, before we start the show, you should come and see me and Big J on the road. First of all, we just added a second show for Mohegan Sun Comics Roadhouse, sold out the first one in just a couple hours. So we added a second show at 10 p.m. Get those tickets right now because those are going to also sell out completely separate lineups. So it's two shows that night, two different lineups. Story Wars is coming to Connecticut, Mohegan Sun. And also come see me on the road. Go to lewisofskanks.com to grab your tickets. This weekend, I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City. The week after, I'm going to be in Chicago and at Rosemont. And then I'm in La Jolla right after that. Get those tickets all at lewisofskanks.com. You can catch me on the road on the Greatest Yepper Live Tour happening right now this weekend. I'm in Spokane, Washington. Two theaters coming up, June 12th and 13th. The 12th, I'll be in Minneapolis at the Pantages Theater. And then the 13th, I'll be in Boise, Idaho at the Egyptian Theater. My first two theaters I've really done. So let's fill those things up. Beyond that, Buffalo, Helium, and so much more. Look for a city near you, bigjcomedy.com. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Whoa, what is up, New York City? Make some fucking noise in here, please, would you? What an excitement. We're sold out yet again here at the New York Comedy Club. If you guys want to be a part of history, come to the New York Comedy Club in Midtown every Wednesday night, 7.45 p.m. We tape live. You get to be a part of the audience. How excited is everyone to be here, right? We're all excited. Look at this. We got hot chicks showing up now. We got a guy with a mullet. We got a couple lesbians. It's pretty hot. Yeah. You brought your son on a very tit-heavy evening. I did. Ooh la la. Baby James is excited. How many people? I love calling him Baby James still. Baby James, look at this girl's can. He's six feet tall. He's got a bigger dick than me. I hate Baby James, actually. Yeah, Baby James did somehow become your biggest enemy. He's coming to take your place in the world. We always ask this. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Wow. You're not booing anybody. Nobody clapped. They love booing, though. They love the boo. God bless them. They love the boo. If you're unfamiliar with the game, it's a very easy one. We will explain it once we get our amazing panel of guests up here. Our first contestant with a record of 0 and 1 on Story Wars, you know her from the Friendly Talk podcast. She's also an accomplished amateur boxer. Make some noise for the lovely and hilarious Nina Karufa. Hi. Hi. How are you? Welcome back. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Hi, guys. We're so happy to have you here. Nina, last time you did a great job on the show, but the stories were very obviously your stories last time. Sorry I'm a bad bitch, and it's obvious. It was like one time somebody threw a grenade at my birthday party. It's like, okay, Nina, obviously. My botched clit circumcision. That never happened. I know. Our next competitor, 0 and 3 in Story Wars competition. This guy cannot catch up. Catch a win from Sag Daddy to Pod and Fart Carnival right here on the Gas Digital Network. Put your hands together for Brendan Sagaloo. What's up, bitches? Brendan, we're happy to have you back on the show. This might be your last appearance on the show. We can't have such a big loser on the show. This is crazy. You're making people think the game's impossible. Well, I didn't know I was going to come here to get berated. No, I'm going to win this one. Our third and final contestant, last but not least, with a record of 1 and 2, he is a story warrior from Modern Day Man show, the Badass Jews podcast, and Gas Digital's own The SDR Show. How about it for the hilarious Aaron Burr? Fuck yeah, dude. Aaron, I want to see the elementary schooler that you stole that outfit from. He was big. You want to let him heal up first before you see him. Two sizes bigger than me. He was a medium. He's a big boy. He was a big boy. This is a Nevia tracksuit. They are the sponsor of Mr. Olympia. Nice. It's a bodybuilding contest. Do you guys like bodybuilding? He doesn't. Nobody likes bodybuilding. Fuck yeah, they do. Who here works out? Everybody here trains by day, Joe Rogan's by night. That's true. All night. That is true. Everyone does that here. If you're unfamiliar with the game or if it's your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel have submitted. Oh, are things different now? No, I got it. Oh, everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Oh, no, that's right. That's what you meant. Yeah. I can't write it down. All right, no. Tonight's subject is big things. Oh. I don't like that these two generations of women both nodded at that. Yeah. Yeah, it is. I like big things. Yeah. You. They knuckle pounded. Alex is going to take. That was so weird. Alex is going to take those stories. Eight of them, in fact, and read them off at random. One at a time. They will appear here on the screen. And if it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story that shows up, that's a huge opportunity. You can get four points if it is your story. You don't want to waste that opportunity. Once you put your answer in the Story Wars tablet, which is a brand new thing we have right now. Hey. Put the tablet. Put the tablet in the slot and remove your hand until we are growing. Fuck you, Kill Tony. Once you remove your hand, that is your final answer. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, listen to me. We are going to have so much fun tonight. You guys know the show. We all know the show. It is a lot of fun. But we are not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. I don't know anything about how to work these tablets. No, no, it's okay. Hit the name and slide it. You're good. No, come up. Don't worry. Leave it. I don't know. You'll hit the name and you'll slide it over. Every week at Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner takes home White Fear. How the Browning of America is making white folks lose their mind. By Roland S. Martin. This Nazi author. As we all know, for centuries, there has been a deep-seated fear that many white people feel. They're losing power. They're losing economic standing. Some would even say even losing a particular way of life. Author Roland S. Martin argues that this fear doesn't just influence the system. It drives it. Shaping who holds power and how far they'll go to keep it. White Fear. How the Browning of America is making white folks lose their minds. By Roland S. Martin. Someone gets to take that home. Quick question. Yes? What if we already have four copies of this? I guess you could throw it to the audience then. What are you doing with a surplus of White Fear? By Roland S. Martin. What are you going to do with a surplus of that? Put it under a coffee table? Fix a table leg? Aaron's pen name is Roland S. Martin. That's his Samuel Clemens. All right. I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. But is this crowd ready for war? Yeah! Come on, New York City. Are you ready for war? Without any further ado, Alex, please. Story number one. Story number one. I was at a big party and I bumped into a door so hard that I knocked myself out. I needed emergency dental work. I already think I know who this is. Who? Lewis. I was going to say the same thing. Why? Because they have such a beautiful smile? Yes. No. Oh. No. Never mind. No. Because you refer to it as a big party and I feel like this is such a loser thing to do. I was at this big party and there were so many cool people there. You think I'm a loser? You give loser vibes. Loser vibes? I'm super cool. No, now I think you're cool. But. I don't know. I think maybe back then when you were. You could have been a loser. And this could have happened any time. I know. And I got to tell you right now, until three years ago, I couldn't afford emergency dental work. Yeah. And I will say this. I mean, you look dumb enough to bump into a door. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. She is. you did the rights. I gotta say, Aaron Berg used to be a male stripper and I assume the kind of drugs you have to do to flying 69 with those morbidly obese Canadian women must have been a lot and I could see you needing maybe some emergency dental work from how fucked up you were at those parties but this sounds like it could be to me the fucking hottie in the hijabi. Nina Karufa. Why would you think that? Hello, cart that refuses to fart. That's who she is. No, why would it be me? That's crazy. Do I look like a bitch who bumps into doors? No. She has glasses on. Very good vision. She would not bump into a door and also probably not allowed at a party. Thank you. My dad would have killed me. What kind of party? She has great teeth. Thank you. I have great teeth but everybody knows when I got mine. It wasn't from emergency dental surgery. When did you get your teeth? When did you get your teeth done? In my late 40s when I could afford it. After I stopped going to big parties. I will say this. Brendan, since this question has come up, is very consciously covering his mouth. He is. Keeping his lips very pursed. My teeth fucking suck, bro. I'll show that to everybody. Ew. Yeah, so it ain't me, dog. That seemed like a crazy reaction everyone just had. They seem like nice teeth. Let me see your teeth. Get closer. They're all yellow and banged up. They are tiny little teeth. The rich Jew obviously could afford emergency dental work. Yeah. Oh, just come. Okay. Just dribbles down the side. It has to be between Aaron and Lewis. I didn't know the show was starting this early. It looks like your teeth just melt. Emergency dental work. I mean, I'm getting, honestly, I'm getting Big J vibes. What? Yeah, well, you look, you were married. She had insurance the whole time. Not at all. Never. Never once did she have insurance. No. That's right. She was a comedy club waitress. She was a comedy club waitress and then a not working lawyer. Have you been injured? Call a different lawyer. I'm going to say this. Lewis, I know, has had dental work because, full disclosure, he used to have a dead brown tooth that would make him smell like Chinatown in summer. Dude, he just painted that. It's still there. I know Lewis did that, but, Jay, I don't know much about Nina. I know she has a very charming online presence. Are you being sarcastic, you piece of shit? I've never, I don't even know. I've never checked. I did assume he was being sarcastic, so that shows you what kind of person I am. Oh, boy, here we go. I would say, emphasis on wars. Am I right, you guys? Are you guys ready for war? Because we know that Nina and Aaron are. Yay. This is a really difficult one. This is very hard. They have fake teeth. He has fake teeth. Can I see your smile? Oh, those are fucking nice, dude. Thank you so much. All original? No. They are too, they're cut too perfectly. Fuck you. Okay. I said they're nice. You said they're cut too perfectly, which was kind of neggy. Hey, don't take your anger for Aaron out on me. Okay, I'm, I'm only half Jewish. We're getting along great. Why'd you put me on this panel? Yeah, you are the Gaza Strip in this situation, bro. I really am. It's much bigger than I imagined. Why are you always coming for me, Jay? Jay, you take both me in every fucking story, I swear. Well, I think this is you. I don't have much of a thing. I do. But by the way, can I say, the tablet so far, flawless. Flawless. So, Big Party is the kind of thing that's getting me going. Big Party. Big Jay, Big Jay does all, his name is Big Jay, he does big things. You think he went to a big, an only big person party? He only does big things. I'm saying Big Party, it was me, Big Papa. Big pun. And I'll tell you what the problem was. In this place, little doorways. Oh. I ate two big sandwiches, some big sushi. Little teeny tiny, oh fuck, it's Louis. Big Jay is locked in right there and then. Nina Karufa votes for Aaron Berg, but it's a little off center. Come on. Look, I know, I know, at first I thought it was Louis because Big Party seemed lame, but now I think it's Nina because Big Party seems foreign. Yeah, Vanna White, huh? Why do you want to assume I'm foreign? I went to Big Party, everybody was there, had so much fun. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah, that is kind of what I'm thinking. Yeah. Damn. Let me see your teeth again. She has very good, I mean, those are great teeth. Great smile. Holy shit. Thank you. I gotta say you because I, imagine how much we're talking about your tits behind your back. I hope the next one's about tits. I go, oh, it's gotta be Nina because of her giant tits. Leave my tits out of this. And into this. Okay, Nina, it's you. I don't fuck with white people. Lock it in, lock it in. You gotta slide it to lock it in. Slide it. What the hell? Okay. I may, that's mine. Oh, sorry. This first round is a little bit off He really is Jewish, you guys. That's mine. That's mine. You don't get to touch that. You didn't pay for that. I'm glad he said it, not me. You have so many fucking shins. It's so gross. It's so gross. Vanna, if you would please. What am I, what? I love this show. Why do I keep fucking up? Here's my thoughts. I took a guess, but I think I'm wrong. I think Big J and Lewis both like outwardly lie about who it is, but I went with Nina just because her teeth are so nice and she's really charming to meet in person and it's a pleasure. What do you have against my social media? That's a second. You said in person. I think we're really seeing the problem. You know what I mean? Because earlier you said I think this is a lot to do with what's going on. That their fans hated you and I said it's online. It's not in person. It's a different thing. I don't believe you for one second. I'm sure you don't. Can you blame me? Look, there's good people on both sides. It's not me, guys. Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number one belongs to Nina Kareepa. Yeah! Fuck yeah, dude. Come on. Over here. Come on. Come on. Your fucking teeth are amazing. Thank you. They're good teeth. They're my second set because I went to a party in Bahrain and I really bumped my. Wait, how many syllables are in that word? Bahrain. That's what that meant. A Bahrain party. No. I went to a party at the king of Bahrain's house and I bumped into a door and I knocked myself out. A door was a person's name. No. It was just a door. Yeah, yeah. My name is Ador Mohamed Kalikha. How were you ever at a king of anywhere's house and also here? And then I got flown to Africa to fix my teeth. Whoa. Yeah, it was crazy. That's cool. So these are my second set. Thank you, African doctor. How did you get to the king's party? How'd that happen? Because I know people who know people. In a shipping container. What, do you not watch The Wire? Epstein. Island. Where is my wife? Oh, her teeth are all fucked up. Send her off. That's basically what happened. That's not cool. Send her to Africa. I have one. Yeah, I went to North Africa and I saw a dentist the next morning. That's amazing. In North Africa? Yeah. In Morocco. Holy shit. In Marrakesh. Fix her teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I got my teeth fixed. All of them? The whole? It was really bad. I hit the door real bad. And now they're good forever. I mean, I hope so. Okay. You gotta use local anesthetic they can't put you under or they'll get up and wake up with a plate in your lip. Yeah. Well, they had to use anesthetic by blow dart. You woke up and your neck was two feet long with a thousand fucking gold necklaces on it? Nah, I was. I needed new teeth and I woke up dulcim. Nah, I woke up circumcised. Wow. All right, Alex. Where are our points at? Story one. Circumcised? Yes. Thank you, late bloomer. As long as I get it eventually. All right. In last place with zero points, Luis J. Gomez. No, they were saying boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. They were going boo, boo, boo, boo. In fourth place with one point, Nina Karufa. Woo! And tied for first, first place with two points each, Big J. Oakerson, Brendan Sagalow, and Aaron Berg. This is cool. Luis, do you see that girl's nails right there? Yes, I'm looking right at her nails, Jack. Do you feel it would be upsetting if she gave us handjobs and all we hear is the clicking of her nails touching each other because our penises aren't big enough to keep them apart? I mean, that would be a huge penis to keep them apart. I feel like her nails would touch for any penis. No matter what? So just nonstop clicking? Yeah. It's getting to sound like she's bored, like she's doing this while she's whacking me off. Imagine getting fingered by one of those. Yeah, I did. Yeah. That's what gave me the power to guess right. By one of those? What a prude. Yeah. No, you gotta get two so it makes a semicircle so it opens the hole easier. That's just basic physics. This bitch is giving hysterectomies. Jay. Yeah. Wood. - Oh, totally. - Yeah. - While the lady next to me to her draws it yeah like we're her french girls like whatever french girls all right alex story number two story number two the biggest sign that i'm comfortable that someone i'm dating is fully into me is when i take a dump with only a door separating us that is uh well i mean that's true i i've never i've never taken a dump with any woman that i've ever dated ever like i've never like i'll leave the house like i'm on i'm on i luckily i have three bathrooms lobby and a hotel shit yeah to not do this to not do that i don't i don't know what it is i don't want a woman smelling my shit it bugs me and if girl and of course thank you sir we want you to be a part of the show i just want you to know sir if you could just keep on calling things out throughout the whole show we would all love that that'd be pretty good i gave him a piece of paper outside i said girls don't poop pick your moment pick your moment i said um i mean i would say this is kind of a woman's story but i live this life i also but i wouldn't get comfortable there women don't shit they do but i don't think this is a woman's story either i don't think a woman gets comfortable and goes i'm gonna start shitting around you no i've dated a couple gals who have karen fian kim kong and both of them are like i gotta shit let me fart like ew pigs you sure know how to pick why am i in a fucking hotel lobby taking a dump then this is a fat insecure guy move so it's me brendan or big j that is it guys that have muscles they'll shit anywhere they want i do not think this is you i think you would fucking do a squat shit in the woods on your way with a girl you go hey look out for people while i do this yeah i mean honestly this is a man with no shame so it could be any of you that is true no i have a lot of shame i have shame i live with tons of shame i don't believe you not one second i mean the only look you look like you have the least amount of shame i'm sorry thanks but he looks like he has the most amount of shit yes actually man i'm like okay yeah uh wow i didn't know this was hey my friends uh i just i'm getting a big j vibe because i me and big j we've been friends for a long time we're very similar people and this is something that i could see myself doing i just have never been that comfortable in a relationship well i hit brendan as i'm making eye contact with my son sorry son you think this is me i have you uh you think this was me oh no i'll tell you why it's you by the way okay because you hit me real quick so you know you're like whatever who cares boom and i'll tell you it's the way you talk too you say fully a lot you go really yeah yeah you go blah blah blah fully blah blah blah blah i've i've watched you does he what the fuck does that even does he say fully a lot what does that mean look i know i'm right yeah all right the fact jay will be like yeah this audience was fully yeah yeah you do say fully yes are you genuinely agreeing that i say the word wait you do say a lot okay it's not i never knew that but i cheat all the time i cheat with girls that i shit in front of i don't believe that so aaron is definitely out uh lewis is a kind of friend of mine i don't know if he's a friend of mine i don't know if he's a friend of feminine so it's not him what which lewis what he has like soft vibes no i am fully hard he's like a sweet pumpkin angel it's between these two fatties what the heck look at those fatties with poopy poops hey i'm just here to promote my book man i don't why fear get it while you can between two fatties is zach galifianakis's new podcast all right it's already on netflix bam i'm saying big j wasn't going brandon i'm going big j final answer and i feel good okay fuck walk it in for old fatty on ozempic manjaro i'm telling you just do crack story number two belongs to big j ogerson yes you fucking lied to us man you do say fully i'm telling you dog j is that a new tell you say fully a lot i'm gonna pay attention to that for sure dude i was fully balls deep in this girl fully it's something to keep an eye on for sure yeah uh yeah there's not much story to it it's just the absolute truth i have to be with somebody for quite some time before i will even shit like in a hotel room like i'm gonna go to the bathroom you sit out here now jay will sooner have a full-fledged other girlfriend that he lives with before he shits in front of his last girlfriend yeah yeah that's my shitting girlfriend i want one of those i just have a pissing girlfriend right now oh you gotta have a shitting girlfriend in the city you know what i mean it's like having a new york uh sports club membership jay do you uh do you shit in front of your girlfriend uh no no not in front of no but i mean yeah i guess i guess through a door through a door yeah she'll know that you're shitting oh yeah yeah so you put the door put the door on top of the toilet put a hole in it just shit through that door you close the door nina comes over head butts it yeah breaks her teeth out of her mouth i close door i lock it i turn something on youtube on my phone and then i open up world star hip-hop on my computer and then i get to work hell yeah two stories down alex where are our points at all right in last place with one point nina carufa fuck this game in fourth place with two points lewis j gomez they're saying boo this man boo this boo this in third place with three points big j oakerson you know what you know what seraphina give me a little popcorn i feel good a little popcorn if you would and tied for first place with four points each brendan sagalow and aaron bird you know what it is oh god i'm so nervous don't be you're doing great all right story warriors let's take a quick moment and thank hymns for supporting the show longtime sponsor look you can't control the weather unless you're ari shafir but you can take control of your ed hymns is here to help you bring the thunder in 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bodybraincoffee.com promo code war20 all right we're where were we alex story number three story number three once while flying i got a big wave of anxiety i went to the bathroom and smoked some weed needless to say the flight attendant was not happy lewis this sounds listen to me yeah listen to me this sounds exactly like me even the needless to say something i was definitely right yeah who just blew out a giant puff of weed sorry was that weed maybe fuck yeah do you want some yeah i do she actually just she swallowed a bomb and went she burped she burped the bomb this she decided you guys are all right i thought so no suicide bombing tonight dude um so here's the thing uh i would do something like this i have i haven't smoked weed in the bathroom on a plane but i have smoked like a vape i'll blow it in the bathroom put it into my shirt i'll do all that stuff that's a federal offense my friend yeah oh yeah thanks punishable by 250 fine aren't you puerto rican i am puerto rican you're full of crime of course it was you i mean it was a slap of lewis whoa whoa whoa relax i'm not locking anything in don't worry about my pet tablet uh i'm getting brendan sagla vibes brendan's a pod head he is hold on he is a white rapper but he also seems to be a white rapper seems like too much of a pussy that is a big deal no no he would do he is a white rapper but he yeah this is my hijab disgusting everyone's obsessed with me yo sagalo praise of the west yeah you know what it is no this is definitely a hispanic crime maybe yeah cut that build the wall build the wall lewis isn't in touch with his emotions enough to understand anxiety uh yeah look i'll tell you right now i've never been caught smoking i'm also if i got caught smoking on a flight i feel like they would drag me off of the flight i would never be able to fly again brendan sagal i think you're trying to fuck the flight attendant i would never do this he's a cute cherub like little boy yeah he he giggled and they went fine go take your seat yeah aaron do you smoke uh not anymore okay this could have been a long time ago you're jewish so you're super entitled jewish anxiety exactly i get where you're going name the airline follow laws name the airline spirit l l yes i'm jewish and i have anxiety but i i think lewis would back this up as one of my closest friends that i'm not a rule breaker enough to go try that in the bathroom jay would not smoke me in the bathroom i will say this if anyone knows about breaking rules and planes it's nina uh that's fair that's good that's fair but only one way tickets only one way tickets it didn't say while holding a box cutter so i'm too pretty to kill myself i am gonna go thank you one person for letting my joke but nina's had a crazy life she parties with kings like it does seem like something she would do and then just pretend she doesn't speak english you're islamophobic weed um but i would say what is it nothing english english i'm too pretty to kill myself i'm too pretty to kill myself i'm too pretty to kill myself english um i would go my guess is gonna be lewis because i've toured with him i know he loves smoking weed everywhere i've never done drugs baby james and by the way congratulations to your son for growing a mustache at eight okay i'm going with lewis james i also want to know your father's never done cocaine unless it was off another man's penis that's true james a penis is what girls and boys have i'm going brendan sagalow he's a pothead he's sweet he's cute he got away with it final answer okay i'm gonna go aaron and i'll tell you why i could hear you saying needless to say and i know that's crazy but it worked last time i'm going aaron i have aaron down too wow okay everyone's getting it up on the jew i love it yeah how long till these have cracks all over them and shit well just so you know they've done this so i can't draw dicks on them we were getting the only reason we decided to upgrade we were getting demonetized oh i'll find a way to get dicks i'll find a way to get dicks on it i'll find a way to get dicks on it jay's drawing penis with binary code one zero zero zero one zero zero alex all of our answers are in story number three belongs to nina carufa damn that's crazy that's a wild i know i was close thank you motherfuckers nice that's a lot of my dick dude so they caught you i did get caught i got smoking weed weed or a vape no i was smoking a vape in the bathroom but i was blowing the smoke into the toilet and fleshing you know which literally makes no sense you can't flush smoke so i kept going back and forth i got ready with it for like four hits and then i went back for a fifth because i'm greedy and then the lady was knocking on the door so i flushed the vape and i came out she was like you were smoking i was like no i wasn't and so it was he said she said so when we landed the captain looked at me was like were you smoking i said no sir i swear i'm muslim and he was like have a nice day wow man what a kaiser sose move did he go as soon as pork rib out of her pocket. But I'm Muslim. I'm one charming ass bitch. I mean, it is against the Muslim religion to smoke weed, right? No. No? It's against our religion to drink. What about eating a pork rib as you walk away from people laughing at them? Pork is forbidden. Pork is forbidden. Weed is not forbidden, really. I mean, there's interpretations of it different. Yeah, you're interpreting it as you like to get high. Fuck yeah, obviously. I'm gonna interpret it where it's not wrong so I feel guilty. I went to the Dave Chappelle School of Muslim. Listen, on a scale. That would be PCP. Listen, no. On a scale from Dave Chappelle to ISIS, I'm right in the middle. Nice. I know what that means. Thank you. That was a great description. Alex, where are our points at? All right. Damn, Nina just cleaned up. In last place, with two points, Luis J. Gomez. It's early. It's early. It's early. Annoying laugh guy just did the Ralph laugh from The Simpsons. He went, ha, ha. In fourth place, with three points, Big Jay Oakerson. I'm here to play. Tied for second place, with four points each, Brendan Sagalow and Aaron Byrd. Oh, wow. You're in first place? And in the lead, with five points, Nina Karufo. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Sabrina Carpenter. And if you know, you know. Nina, you are edging ever closer. You are edging ever closer to being able to go home and burn white fear. Yes! How the browning of America is making white folks lose their mind by Roland S. Martin. White Americans are projected to become a racial minority as early as 2043. What? Boo. Oh. This week on the Anthony Cumia Show, author Roland Martin claims white fear is growing more visible and more intense, bluntly asking the direct question, will white people choose to accept a change? Or keep it? Or are you going to stand the fuck up and get your guns? Race war! Fuck the police! Race war! Pick your side now. This is a very. Will white people choose to accept a change or keep fighting to hold on to a version of the country that no longer exists? That woman looks like she just found this out right now. She's like, what? Minority by when? This book is crazy. It's so thin for such jarring information. There's six pages. The first letters and the last ones are. I have the abridged version. It ends in an A. Ah, the David Cross version. I respect that. Alex, story number four. Story number four. I hope. I hooked up with a person who had a third nipple. It was bigger than their other two nipples. None of these stories are big stories. Nothing big. I know. has happened in a single story yet. It's a bigger nipple, dude. I was big on an airplane. What are you, fucking deaf? I went to a big party, bitch. Listen, say bigger nipple three times fast. Bigger nipple, bigger nipple, bigger nipple. Okay, yeah. Four would have been trouble. I went to a big party. You did. That was big. I have hooked up with a gal with a third nipple. Ew. So this is you. Okay, thanks. No, it's not me. Next question. Her third nipple was, in fact, smaller than her other nipples. As third nipples tend to be. Wait, if you have three nipples, do you get all three pierced? Maybe. Or just the two. The third one, you tend to not be able to get pierced. The third one almost looks like. At one point, you're like. The only person I know who had one was a guy. And it was right under his. He had his nipple and his, you know, his peck. His defined peck. You were feeling his chest suck and his dick. You were like, you have a third nipple. Did you hook up with him? No. Underneath. No, he wouldn't have me. I was too heavy. He, uh. There was a, uh. But he had one right under here. And you wouldn't have thought much of it. You wouldn't have thought it was like a freckle or something like that. But if you got up on it, you could see it's like a little fucking nipple. It's got an areola. It's got everything. Yeah, by the way, third nipples are a way more common thing than you think. I guarantee there's at least a handful of people in here that have third nipples. Who's got third nipples? Wait. Come on, make some noise. Third nipple right back there. What did I tell you? Can we see it? Can we see it? It's a real thing. Can we see your nipple? But it's very. It's way more common than you know. I know, it is. He wants to show us his nipple. Let's see it. Show us your nipple. Show us your third nipple. Holy. Oh, shit! That looks like you're. No, you need to show us all three. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He showed us one of his nipples. Sir, I need to see two more nipples. I need to see two more. Guys, let's see if the. Sir, when you say you're going to show my third nipple, you have to show all three nipples. Yeah. Let's see if the girl with the blue shirt has three. Go! Nope, just two. That girl's shirt's so low, I don't even know if she has the two originals. Yeah, I mean, look. Third nipples are very common. A larger third nipple would be. That makes me think the person who told us. The story or the person who owns those three nipples doesn't know which one is the third. Would it be the biggest one? They're like, yeah, it's the biggest one. He goes, no, that's not. That's one of the original two. Or the biggest one is only one. They only have one nipple and then two side nipples. Yeah, this does seem stupid. I'm going to guess Louis. Aaron also was. Maybe you'd almost argue a sex addict at a time when, like, Craigslist, you would be like, hey, anyone between. 500 pounds, I'll fuck you in a car, and you would go do it. I watched Aaron Berg have sex with, I think, a man on the road. It's a fat, gross man. Yeah. There's no confirmation that this was a woman in that car, Aaron. I'm pretty sure. Who hurt you? Her penis was inside. It was a big woman in Pittsburgh. Yeah, my body counts up there. Yeah. I was a male. What's your nipple count? If it's an odd number, it's you. I've seen a lot. It could be an odd number. I've seen a lot of nipples. Well, I'm going to tell you right now, Aaron also, once again, was a former stripper, did a lot of hooking up, lots and lots of hooking up. I'm getting Aaron Berg vibes. And he's also Canadian. Who knows what's in the water up there? They're throwing. They're growing third nipples. Oh, my God. Those fucking beaver tits. Six fingers. Free health care. They get all their nipples checked. Three nipples, non-cancerous. And again, could be Nina. She's lived a weird life. That is true. That is true. Don't fuck freaks. Oh, my God. Imagine. Is that what you call me? Imagine how hairy that third nipple would have been. First of all, where she's from, they kill babies with three nipples. So, this is you. I'm going Aaron. I'm going to go Aaron, too. Some fucking privileged-ass Jew boy. I'm getting Aaron Berg vibes all day long. Yeah. I'm going a different way. Child porn. It's just a kid getting butt fucked. I think the term hooked up. I think Louis has had a lot of sex. I think Jay's had a lot of sex. I don't know Nina's backstory. But I think Brendan. I'm a virgin. Brendan would probably. Don't laugh at me, bitch. Brendan would probably use the term hooked up. Yeah, because that's what it's called. And be shocked by three nipples. But I did also have that thought about you. Because you said hooked up. You said it before. Wait, who'd you vote for? If it was Louis, he would write. I'm a felon. Louis would write, I consensually hooked up with a girl with three nipples. If it was Louis. Nothing. Why this. It's Louis. If it was not Aaron, I'd feel like an asshole because he's really giving a lot of explanation after it's over. I'm going to be pissed. Alex, whose story was story number four? Story number four belongs to Louis Jay. Oh! Fuck! That's your piece of shit father, James. Oh, great. The fucking fingernails girl's over now. She's dried up. She's done. Are you really traumatizing your son? And James, this is a weird way to find out that your mom has a third nipple. It is a tough way. That poor sweet pumpkin angel. I remember being confused when I was feeding. No, I've actually hooked up with two girls with three nipples. One girl, third nipple was much smaller. Two girls, six nips? What's that? Good video. Where are you finding these bitches? Near a power plant. Tom's River, New Jersey. Cancer capital of the world. Swimming in the. Hudson River, apparently. Fuck me, man. At the bottom of the ocean where we haven't found a lot of things? No, I hooked up with another girl who was a pretty cute chick, fairly young girl, and I'm like making out with her. How young, you freak? I was feeling on her back, and the third nipple, dude, it was right here on her back. That's not a nipple, dude. That's a twin that wasn't born. Dude. It's supposed to be here. Dude. Who has them on their back? Dude. That's crazy. It was the biggest, most distracting thing ever. Oh, did it have a ball where you could do that to it? Dougie, it was. Did it get hard if you fucking blew on her neck? It was so big, dude. Oh, I'm not even calling it a her. It's an it. Oh. It was absolutely wild, and I never said anything. There's been men and women who are like, I just was like, all right, well, that just happened. If I had that on my body, she would have left. There's no way she would have finished the night. If I had that on my body, I would have taken it off with nail clippers. There's not a way. If it wouldn't start touching my back, I would fucking DDT or something. I would fucking. What's Stokehold Stunner? If she goes, oh, my God, I go, ah, ah! I just play around like that. Never touch my back, you fucking slut. Why are you here? What a fucking whore. I just met you five seconds ago. You're rubbing my back? Stupid whore. You fucking skank. Go fucking call your father and make up with him. Fatherless behavior. Yeah. Make up with your dad, bitch. Thank you. Clock it. Clock it. I watch the baddies. Thank you. Jay's the only one who sees me. Right? No, we're all watching. Not Aaron. In last place, with three points, Big Jay Oakerson. What the fuck? Whoa. Oh, I got distracted by having fun. Tied for third place with four points each, Brendan Sagalow and Aaron Berg. Fuck. Fucking Jews. In second place, with five points, Nina Karufa. All right. And in the lead with six points, Luis J. Gomez. I don't know why this makes me mad. You and your cult following, who are all gay, by the way. They are so gay. That's right. Every guy that's obsessed with you is a homosexual. They're awesome. They're in love with you. Absolutely. Damn, you're starting to sound like a gay guy yourself. Leave him alone. The last time I did Story Wars, Luis's fans wanted me dead. Yeah. They told me to kill myself. Because he's gay. No, not a jihad bitch. It's because they're in love with Luis because they're all homosexual. All right. Yeah, if Nina kills herself, she's going to take a lot of you out with her. Can you imagine I wear all this jewelry just to kill myself? I know, Jesus. Those aren't tits. Those are two old-timey bombs like from Super Mario. Actually, I'm a 32 double D. Your nipples are just wicks? There's a third one on her back. That's more of a grenade. Wait, leave my tits and normal two nipples out of this. show us or we don't believe you yeah we're totally yeah we don't care anyway we're all family we're all just looking because it's whatever science I'm not showing you guys my titties ah boo I'll be honest with you the funniest thing in the world would have been for if that guy just turned back around and left as she said I'll not show you this he goes oh came to the wrong show what's your name Lauren can Lauren you make up for us and show us your titties just for me no thank you at the same time yay yay I have a father yeah I mean she is wearing something ah fuck aw aw I was gonna make a joke I don't know Jay help me out with this I was gonna say something about her nails being falling off of the the big party cap asshole that Nita went to that's where I was trying to get to but I don't know exactly how to get the words we're gonna edit this I'm a genius the people at home have no idea how bad I just fucking bombed at a joke it's giving retarded you're nervous Lewis you really do not want those fingernails up your ass I don't I'll tell you the biggest fear is if she pulls it out and it's got less fucking bedazzling on it than when it went you're gonna have to shit that out or you're gonna have to go see a doctor my man you're gonna have to those things might sand you down if I'm being honest your shits might start flying out because of how smooth the walls of your anus are after a aggressive it looks like I'm thinking middle finger ring finger yeah a real fuck oh it's got a spinner on it oh my god dude it's like getting fucking finger fucked by Latrell Sprewell's car alright we are at the halfway point of the show oh we are let's do some plugs real quick Aaron what are you plugging my friend all my dates Aaronberg.com check them out I'm going everywhere I'm going to Myrtle Beach dude that's it I'll stay there for nine months I'm doing a residency at the Myrtle Beach Holiday Inn come check it out nine months it's gonna be killer man six seats per show so they do sell out come on by also my other podcast Badass Jews get it everywhere it's fucking phenomenal thank you hell yeah Snagalow my book White Fear is coming out I'm gonna be in Raleigh North Carolina and then Atlanta Georgia and then Pennsylvania and Connecticut all on BrennanSagalow.com please come see me hell yeah Brennan Sagalow oh Fart Carnival too Nina Carufa I'll be at The Secret Loft on Sunday and if you're in LA I'll be at Netflix's The Joke Fest all week doing shows at the store and the factory and all over follow me on Instagram by store she means the bodega the comedy store no the comedy store and I'll also be opening for the Plastica Boys at the Laugh Factory and I have a fight coming up on May 30th if you're in New York I also box and then I'll be in Jeddah Saudi Arabia so thank you yeah alright yeah we'll go Big J soon as in a few weeks right yeah I'll be out in a few weeks oh hey everyone I hope you enjoyed me on the live Kevin Hart roast on Netflix I enjoyed watching you bomb and then kill yourself we talked on the phone today if I eat shit it is bad for my career but really good for my podcast whoa man that went weird huh I'm also going to be at Netflix The Joke we're doing story wars there and then of course listen to The Bonfire and Legion of Skanks right here at Gas Digital Network hell yeah check out the pod sign up for my mailing list go to my website lewisofskanks.com for all that good stuff and also if you love the show you should know that we do this show ad free and uncensored it comes out every Monday night on gasdigital.com so you don't have to wait to watch it on YouTube or anywhere else you guys get a pre-release uncensored ad free no advertisements no reads just go to gasdigital.com there's also probably 40 or 50 episodes that are no else in the world so go subscribe to gas digital and become a part of the story wars family use the promo code wars save a couple bucks a month it supports the show directly and also I have a book called knives and spoons go buy it right now on Amazon or at Barnes and Nobles thank you thank you well we have hit the second half of the show our final four stories and Jay you're probably feeling pretty shitty right about now you're probably feeling like why do you come again when you're in last place for most of the show hey remember the first part when you did really good again and then it went haywire all over again well don't worry that could all turn around with just four more stories because for the final four stories everybody here knows we go double points holy shit it's pretty simple before if you fooled somebody with your story you got one point per person if you guessed the right story you got two points but Berg why don't you tell them what that moves to now double points have we been talking about this girl fucking fingering her asses in front of her mother the entire time and my son yeah yes we have let's bring let's bring it down a level yeah we really should demonetize on YouTube miss ma'am I'm sorry that we kept making ideas about your daughter finger fucking off I'm sorry I asked your daughter to show us her titties Jay take a look at that mom and think if she gives a shit that mom has seen more balls than a pickleball court it does feel like if her daughter was fingering her ass off she would go like that's not how you finger an ass off yeah you know in this fucking yeah in my day when they came back from nom you put both hands in their ass you don't have a girl that pretty know her father unless you know how to finger that father's asshole am I right mom yeah yeah milk and prostates this all this stuff will be on the gas digital version but edit it out of the YouTube version because we will be demonetized for sexual content anyway go ahead Alex story number five story number five out of pity I invited the new kid who was getting bullied to my birthday party at the party a big metal ladder fell on him in a freak accident leaving a huge bloody gash down his back he had to go home all I heard is I just heard huge bloody gash so I'm thinking Nina fuck you I can do that's crazy it has to be between Jay and and I feel like you were like you think this is me let me take home the loser you seem like a martyr I never really had any birthday parties when I was younger I'm too much of a bitch to invite somebody I don't like oh really I would if I had birthday parties sorry that got all sad for you guys you should have came yeah I never I literally never had birthday parties when I was a kid ever maybe one or two ever nothing that I would like yeah I had a bunch of friends coming to it where I could invite the bully I never had a guest list big enough for a birthday where the bully couldn't get involved it was always like pick a friend then we're going to McDonald's am I the only one out here who was loved no I'm saying the kid getting bullied like it wasn't he wasn't close enough to me where I would invite that kid to a thing you know what I mean it was my mom was like grab a friend and we'll go to like Chuck E. Cheese or something also I was a school bully so yeah I had a feeling yeah we yeah doesn't take much you just turn your fucking backpack around and everybody goes ah fuck no no no no no no gosh come on you love it here video games television talk nice to me I was prom queen were you yes clock it bitch it was my only life accomplishment that's how she got invited to that king's house thank you she wore her crown get me the prom queen it was an arranged marriage right right yeah oh she cost a lot of goats this bitch some of my best goats I mean the best ones Aaron did come from a fairly well to do family right I feel like the word gash is very Canadian yeah and gash is like an old school gash is very Canadian bloody gash down his back is gash Canadian and Canadians have ladders out the ass yeah they really do I mean and you seem nice like you'd invite someone at your birthday party I mean I feel like Brendan got bullied when he was little no I mean I was a bully I've been bullied that's just how it goes yeah hurt people hurt people and then all the kids would collectively make fun of the gay substitute teacher yeah Brendan let me tell you why I'm gonna vote for you right now you could've just lied there and just said whatever you'd be like yeah I got bullied only but you had to let us know that's such a dude thing you had to go I was like dude I fucking bullied some motherfuckers too no but this isn't this isn't anything about me blibbity blah blah blah Brendan Sagalow no but it's not Jay you're reading it wrong this is It has nothing to do with someone getting. Jesus Christ! Who thinks it's Brendan? Wait, you? You did? Bitch, clap. No. You're so dumb. You're so dumb. No. I'm not a bitch who gets bullied, let's be real. Your premise is wrong. None of this has to do with being bullied or bullying somebody. I'm just flexing my ego right now. Yeah. No, it does. It's a person that has a party big enough where you can farm it out to, like. You think I had a party big enough? Half Jew, yes. What does that mean? We didn't do it at a temple or anything like that. It wasn't my bar mitzvah. You did it in your sort of big half Jew house. One side's big, the other's shitty. Do you think my house had a bunch of ladders? No, but I think your mom was happy to invite some friends over in the town bully. I will say. Or the kid that got bullied. Aaron. This could be Aaron Berg for sure, but I went with my gut on this one. And my gut has gotten me in this game. We all know nowhere. It's between Aaron and Brendan. I'm saying Aaron. Wait, who do you think it was? I think between Aaron and Brendan, too, but I went with Brendan. I've never said gash before. I don't have ladders. I've never even had a birthday. And you're making me say it a lot in front of people. Oh, my God, you're zero? Wait, Louis, who do you think it was? He's being very quiet right now. Once again, Aaron's a nice guy. Came from a little bit of cashola. Canadians are all friendly. It's like, oh, I'll invite the bullied guy. Okay, so I'm going Aaron Berg. I'm just going to copy Louis. I think it's between Jay and Brendan, but we haven't had a Brendan one. I will go with Brendan. You fool. We haven't had a Brendan one either. Lay it on us. Story number five belongs to Brendan Sagalow. You're a fucking hero! You're a fucking hero, man! Not only have I had birthday parties, they were big! And I did invite the bullied kid! Louis, you piece of shit. So, what happened here? Who was this kid? Okay, so I had an above-ground pool, right? Ooh, fancy. Oh, sure. That's the not-half-Jewish part. And the pool had a ladder that would, you'd have to unhook and it would come down and you'd climb up the ladder and go into the, whatever. And when you weren't using it, you'd put it up, right? So there was this kid, Jason, who was really bullied and I felt really bad for him. Completely bullied. The first day he came to school, he was wearing, like, a Star Wars shirt and kids just, they called him gay all day. And I felt really bad for him, so I invited him to my party and then he was standing by the ladder and it unhooked and it went, and it just went down his fucking, and he went in front of everybody. He went, ah! And he, it didn't really help the gay allegations. Yeah. That's like the end of the movie Carrie. Yeah. You're lucky you didn't have telekinesis powers. And he went home and he wasn't like, he, like, had to put on that he wasn't angry or crying. He was like, no, no, I'm just gonna go home. I'm just gonna go. And he never returned. Oh, I prefer it this way. And he bled everywhere? Yeah, it was huge. I could picture it. It was, like, red. Like, just a gash. Well, your parents aren't supposed to let him leave. They're supposed to get him help. No, they were like, get off the property. Get off the property. They were like, beat it, pussy. And your dad butt-hanged him. Your dad went and fucking laid ass on his head. Hey, you got a little blood on your shirt. Boop. Get out of here, you fucking dildo. Yeah. All right. In last place with five points, Nina Karufa. Fuck this band. Last place? Well, you went from first to last. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. I feel like the back corner's saying it a little too hard. Relax. Fuck you, finance bros. You're all wearing the same fucking outfit with the same stupid haircut and facial hair. They actually look all different to me, to be honest. All different. Shut the fuck up. No, but I'm on your side. You see, this is why we need to read. White fear. You don't have to take that, white man. You need to stand up for yourself. This is your country. What? Okay, he wants to hate fuck me. You see those five guys? That means not welcome. Five guys? Where? Alex. In fourth place with six points, Luis J. Gomez. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh. In third place with seven points, Big J. Oakerson. The fuck is going on here? That's crazy. You never know, you might be here on one of the nights. And tied for first place with eight points each, Brendan Sagalow and Aaron Burr. The Jews, of course, they're in first place. The Jews. I'm only half Jewish, and I come out of my dad, so it doesn't even count. So, if you ever wanted to have sex, that's cool with me. That's how you do it, boys. Damn, dude. You're like that guy, Mystery. You're a pickup artist. You know, 80% of women masturbate. In the shower, and the other 20 sing. You know what song they sing? What? You Must Be the Other One. Dude, bagger and tagger, you've already fucked her at this point. Stud, stud, stud, stud, stud. You fat piece of shit. Dude, at this point, mentally, in my mind, you've already fucked her. Wait, he can't afford to fuck me, let's be real. Oh, four rupees. You're not African royalty. You have to go into the tiger's mouth and get the lamp. First of all, if you're going to be racist, be accurate, bitch. I'm an Arab, not an Indian, so fuck you. I did do the. No, it doesn't look like you'd have to survive a series of booby traps to get to the. Here is the dust from a hospital. Okay. Aaron, I've liked you so far. Don't make me change my mind. I love you so much. I'm not frightened by you. You should be, bitch. I'm okay. Alex, story number six. Story number six. I was drunk one night. I left an extra large pizza in the oven all night at 450 degrees. I've never been too drunk to. I've never forgotten pizza. Jay knows exactly where that pizza is at all times. I do this. I go, pizza's. How much longer to pizza? He wakes up like the mom from Home Alone. It's like, pizza! Pizza! In the morning, I was alive, but couldn't eat the pizza. It's gotta be between the fat people. I'm sorry. I know you'd think that for sure, but I promise you I wouldn't forget a pizza. Yeah, no fucking way. Aaron's a fucking workout junkie. So he's the kind of thing where it's like, this is like a late night decision you made, drunk, and fucking just like, I'm gonna do it. Aaron had an alcohol problem for a while as well. He's sober now for that reason. That's true. Sober. And also, his people hate ovens, so. Yeah. I understand why he would put this up. Very memorable. That's the Holocaust, you see. Yeah, you got it. This does feel like a Lewis thing, though. Lewis looks like he drinks a lot. I don't know. Am I wrong? I think Lewis isn't forgetting a pizza, either. I think Lewis is sober now. I think. Brendan, you drink still? No. You can't drink. No, and I'm 157 almost, so I don't eat pizza. Wow. God damn. Sorry. Damn, girl. You're what? Thank you, one person in the audience who gives a shit. Why can't you eat pizza? Because why? Because I'm a skinny queen. Oh. Prom queen, skinny queen. I have a question. How's an extra-large pizza in the oven is a weird way to put it. If you get a pizza that you cook at home, it's not sized. No, I think it's probably an extra-large pizza that they ordered, and they tried to reheat it. What a crazy idiot's move. You're already drunk. Just eat it how it came. Yeah. It's at least warm. Why would you have a cold pizza? Yeah, a full cold pizza sounds crazy. I mean, guys, I feel like you're focused on the wrong part of this story. This is not that crazy to reheat a fucking pizza. And are lava cakes coming as well? I mean. Somebody's saying an extra-large pizza I heated up is a weird size. You're not focusing on the right part of the sentence. In the morning, I was alive. Who drinks themselves to death? Who's still alive? I'm not. So, you know, even when I'm drinking, I'm not. And Jay will attest to this. I'm not like a get drunk and do stupid shit. I'm like a get drunk, go to sleep. I'm not fucking. Forget a pizza in the oven, wake up, be alive. If I was drunk enough that I was falling asleep, I wouldn't have put a pizza in the oven. I also don't have a full, extra-large pizza sitting around. Jay's not a get-drunk-like-that. Jay gets perfectly drunk to right here, and that's that. He doesn't get sloppy. Aaron used to get fucking sloppy. The fact that there's a story involving. Aaron's such a muscly dude. The fact that there's a story involving pizza as a standout moment in his life, just a big moment. Pizza's a big thing for me. This could also be a rock-and-roll moment. Yeah, I'm going. Every pizza is extra-large when you're that teeny-tiny. I feel like every pizza's tiny. I go, oh, why am I getting this extra-small pizza? Everyone voted for Aaron. Yep. Alex, whose story was story number seven, six, whatever? Story number six belongs to Aaron Burr. Too easy. That rules. So, I mean, there's not much more to this. This story, did we basically nail it? I had an extra-large pizza. I ordered it. It showed up cold. I was sleeping in, like, on a futon, and I put the pizza in the stove. Futon is actually Nina's cousin. Yeah. Futon Carufa. And I woke up the next morning, and the pizza was burnt to a crisp, and I thought I would have burnt the whole apartment down. You were like, Grandpa! Oh, no, it's pizza. Never mind. There's no fillings in you! All right, well, there we go. Pure racism. Uh. In last place, with eight points, Aaron Burr. That went quick. Damn, shit changes. First to last. Shit changes with double points. Quick. In fourth place, with nine points, Nina Carufa. Nice. In third place, with ten points, Luis J. Gomez. In second place with 11 points, Big J. Oakerson. Yeah. You're all gay. In the lead with 12 points, Brendan Sagalow. Yeah. I mean, this is genuinely anybody's game, but a super close game across the board. 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We'll be dealing pussy to each other left and right. It's crazy. They have a custom shop, which is great. They've done collabs with major sports teams and DC Comics as well. And every G-L-D product comes with a lifetime warranty, so you're never going to need it again. This is a great gift for your father. If you don't know what to get dad this year, this is the gift. Work hard and change the game. For a limited time, Story Warriors are getting an insane deal. This is a wild deal. If you go to G-L-D dot com, G-L-D, three letters, dot com, and use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, you're getting 40% off your entire order today. That's a dollar saved, that's a dollar earned. Go earn money at G-L-D dot com. 40% off with the promo code WARS with a Z at G-L-D dot com. All right, where were we? Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. I was once ejected from a big music festival. I snuck back in by squeezing under a fence on the perimeter. Well, I think we already know who it's not. Climbing under a fence is crazy. I've never squeezed under a fence in my entire fucking life. So these two are totally out. It's gotta be funny. Well, this is the energy that would do this, but at the time that he would have had to do this, I was big boy. He was at his fattest. But I will say, I can dislocate my bones like a rat. That's true. He does. He does have mouse bones. I think this is Nina. They fold into themselves. Why do you think it was me? My big old titty was when I'm fat. Not me. Not if you're going tits under. Also, let's not forget that gigantic back nipple you have that would also catch on the fence. My back nipple is stuck on the fence. If it said I was once ejected from a big musical festival on October 7th, and then I snuck back in, then I would think it's Nina. But that's not what it says. Get your parachute out of here! I'm so sorry, Aaron. I'm trying to enjoy ADM music. I was ejected from the. Oh, James looked at girls' titties from before. I actually didn't get invited to that. I think for the fat guys, the only thing they squeeze is mayonnaise packets. More of a ketchup guy, but sure. Okay. What the hell? I know Jay loves music festivals. I do. But he usually works at said music festivals. Well, not that I work. I'm just, like I said, almost like before. I'm so afraid. I'm like the guy who gives the cop asking the name the right name every time. I'm like that guy. So if I was ejected from the festival, I'd be like, I'm so, like, I fucked up so big. Like, I would not even think to get back in. Why'd you get ejected? I'm fucked up. It doesn't feel like you to, like, want to go back in. I'd be like, I'm lucky that I probably just got ejected and not arrested and, like, all right, let me. Also, at a time when Big Jay would have to sneak back into a festival, once again, similarly to me, there's a reason he's Big Jay Ogerson. You were over 300 pounds. There's no squeezing under a fence. Under a fence? That's crazy. Better chance you guys fucking get under me and just fucking build a wall of people shoving me over the fence. Or maybe you get a Magnus for Magnuson type guy who can grab me and throw me over like a World's Strongest Man concept. And I mean, there's a similarity between us. If there's a fence, we're not getting back in. Over, under, it's just not happening. And back then. But, Brendan, you haven't always been as big. You were a little. When I met you, you were a lot smaller. Yeah. Oh, what happened? Depression. I, um. Yeah, this fucking business? I became a stand-up comedian. This fucking business? This fucking business, yeah. And you're like a punk rock, hip-hop kid. Like, you probably went to a lot of festivals. I do like music, but I. I've never gotten ejected from anything. You don't seem like the energy that would be ejected. No, I mean, like, I've gone to music festivals. No, that's not fucking true. I don't know how to say this isn't me. You were a little fucking punk-ass when you were a teenager. You've talked about this. Yes, I was, but this isn't me. I swear, I wasn't. It's definitely Aaron. I think it's Nina, because she keeps saying it's somebody else. And you keep saying that, so. It's Nina. Well, that is the game, so it's making me think now it's you, Brendan. Why would I ever get ejected? That was crazy. She keeps saying it's everybody but herself. It's starting to make me think. It's starting to make me think she's playing the game. I don't know, because it just feels like a. Why would I get ejected from a music festival? For fucking, you know, smoking weed and drinking, and you know, you don't know how to do that. Depends what the festival was, yeah. If it was Kiss, two of those guys are Jewish. Yeah, maybe Guns N' Roses was on stage and you yelled Allahu Akbar. No. Was it when you went, and then Sabrina Carpenter yelled at you? Fuck that white bitch. And you did it with. This is America. Now here's a song about my wet pussy. No, your tongue is supposed to go vertical, not that way. It's supposed to go like this. Wait, show us? Yeah, show us. Like that. No, vertical. You're all racist. Wait, side to side? No, you're supposed to do the alphabet. Is it that when you're eating pussy? Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought our people were smelling what The Rock was cooking. If they. Smell. Oh, what? That's pretty good. The rock is cooking. This is Lewis. I'm getting Brendan Sagalow vibes. I'm getting Aaron vibes. Lewis's degenerate friends would have sat there and they would have, as fat men themselves, would have pulled that fence up as high as possible to get their fucking goth leader back in. I know, but Lewis seems like someone who would climb a fence. Nope, you're crazy. That's why I got into this country. I think I got I think I can handle this. Lewis, is this you? No. Aaron, is it you? No, and I don't think it's Jay because he would not risk ripping his FUBU gear back. You're right. For a fat guy, those clothes were like $300 a shirt. I am going to go with Nina because she seems like a habitual rule breaker that then tries to make up for breaking those rules. Interesting. Are you saying I'm a criminal? This isn't really criminal behavior. Nina, was this you? No. Damn. It wasn't me. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. I'm getting Brennan Sagal vibes. I think I'll go with Lewis just because. Nina, what kind of music do you listen to? Arab music, because I'm an Arab. Is it really? Yes. Goats coming. Dude, you haven't heard that banger. Why do you assume we're Indian? Because you're going to be racist and be accurate. I only heard the Pitbull cover of that. I actually didn't know it was a cover. Once in a while, I'll get into an Uber and the Uber driver will be listening to an Arab podcast. Arab podcasts sound like they're coming for us. They're coming for us, but they're coming for us while the women shut the fuck up and stay at home. No. Arabic is very aggressive. As someone who speaks fluent Arabic, it's a lot. Alright, Jay. I'm telling you, you're wasting your vote. Brennan Sagal is the answer. It doesn't matter. It's already locked. The tablet's locked in way early. It is broken, though. Thank you, Smaller. Good job. That was cool. Frank, we gotta fix that. Story number seven belongs to Louis J. Oh. Fuck. You son of a bitch. I'm a scumbag. It was OzFest 98. How old are you, you fucking boomer? I'm 44. I'm 44 years old. OzFest 98. Ew! And I'll tell you what happened. So, Limp Bizkit was playing. You'll know the story when I tell the story now. Limp Bizkit was playing. They did a thing where a giant toilet on the stage and they had the members from Backstreet Boys and NSYNC would come out of it and fucking, like, it was like during a time where it was like, yo, fuck. Oh, like they were turds. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then Fred Durst disappeared into the toilet and then randomly showed up in the crowd like a magic trick. It was like he was in the toilet, then he's right next to me in the crowd and I was like, oh shit, it's Fred Durst right here. And he's rapping. He's like, it's all for the nookie. Then I grabbed his red hat off his head and I went, I got his hat! And I started running. Security tackled me. You instinctually went fucking Hispanic criminal. You go, oh my god, Fred Durst's here. Let me take something from him. That's insane. What are you, Robin Hood? Then I started running. Security tackled me. They gave him back his hat and then they dragged me out. Now, I had never seen System of a Down or Incubus before. I'd heard they were going to be fucking ridiculous. They were on the second stage and I was like, I have to get back in. So I scaled the perimeter of the PNC Bank Arts Center. I found a fence. Guys, this fence, whatever it was, the way the ground was, it came up. There must have been three feet of space below this fence. I mean, I could have literally fucking limboed under the fence. It was so high. And I just went under the fence, went back in, met my friends, got to see System of a Down, which was the coolest experience of my life. They became my favorite band. And Turkey. And fucking Turkey. Second stage was System of a Down, Incubus, The Melvins, Snot. It was fucking such a great second stage. I just saw Marilyn Manson last week and he looks great. Stop saying that. How many raves? Doesn't he rape? No, no, that was Lies. His music's good enough that that was Lies. You're just listening to God. I don't know. Alex, where are points at? Alright, in last place with eight points, Aaron Burr. I took a big dip. In fourth place with twelve points, Brendan Sagalow. Damn. Damn. In third place with thirteen points, Nina Karufa. In second place with fourteen points, Luis J. Gomez. Wow. Oh, I'm pissed for some reason. And in first place with fifteen points, Big Jack Overson. From the slums of Shallon. This could be a legendary evening. I was last. This is so not fair. Holy shit! Holy shit! People, I am going to spend all night reading White Fear. How the brownies of America is making white folks lose their minds. Nationally renowned liberal journalists and award-winning author, Roland Martin bravely calls out politicians who run slogans like take the country back and the current media coverage wrongly paints immigration as a threat. His conclusion is clear. The danger isn't the country changing. It's how far some people are willing to go to stop it. Wake up white people. White Fear, how the brownie of America is making white folks lose their mind. We are down to our final story. Alex story number eight. Story number eight. My high school graduation was held outside a bad thunderstorm started and everyone scattered violently through a muddy field. My oldest. Family member had to be lifted over a fence. Also, my uncle kissed me on the mouth. Now, this has got to be Nina. What? That's got to be Nina, Nina. What is the big thing here? The rape. High school graduation is a big deal. No, it's not. This is literally everyone graduates high school. That's not true. Yeah, you really don't know your fans, man. Yeah, I was fucking alienated. Half the listeners. So I don't know what's that? Aaron's like, did you say bank? I mean, my high school, my high school graduation held outside bad thunderstorm started and everyone scattered violently through a muddy field. Muddy field is weird. That could be where you're from. I mean, this concert Lewis snuck into could have also been his high school graduation. It's possible. It is possible. Kissed me on the mouth. Aaron does have molested by his uncle vibes. I do. And it was a fear of mine straight through high school. Is that why you started stripping? Well, no, I started stripping because I'm secretly gay. They call high school high school in Canada. They call it later years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Second, secondary school. Yeah. After elementary. They call it high school. Okay. Yeah. I don't know, man, the toughie. I was between I said, Brendan, at first, and then I clicked over to Aaron. You look like your older family members would come to your high school graduation because it's the best you could do in life. Oh, well, he had. Geez. He had Nina came up to me. She was like, she's like, I hope everyone's nice to me. And then she's the meanest person I've ever met in my entire life. But you're. A little dick pussy. What do you think? I could dish it out. I can't take it. Yeah. Brian, you said you have a big family. I do. Well, you had big birthday parties. My uncle never kissed me. My family were Irish. We don't say I love her. Hug or kiss. We just fuck in the. You just fucking. Yeah. Middle of the night. My uncle fucked me in my. But happy St. Paddy's Day. You get the old. If you tell, we'll both be in trouble. You want to stay at this church, don't you, Brendan? It's a very nice parish. Oh, I'll slip you a little bit of tongue, Brendan. Oh, look at your butthole perishing under the punishment of my dick. This is your biggest day. Let me congratulate you. Let's watch boondock scenes while you cry. No one can be that funny unless they have severe trauma. That's thank you. He got kissed by his uncle complimenting him. You call me. Yeah, the uncle gives me the mouth to breathe. No, that was nobody can be as funny as Aaron. Brendan, you're fucking gay. Nothing would be nice to you. Brennan, you're a fat little gay bitch, piggy boy who gets molested. You fucking bitch. Yeah, you little bitch. That's my impression of Nina. I'm going to say it's Mia Khalifa over here, who no longer no longer does. - It's pornography, no longer is anti. to consider myself a Timu version of Mia Khalifa. Nice. That's cheaper. Nobody here knows Timu. This is tough. It has to be Aaron. I thought Brandon. He was stripping. He had high sex drive. He's super funny, which means he was traumatized. It's giving a lot of, I was kissed by my uncle. Being kissed by your uncle, what does that mean? When you're a senior in high school, being kissed by your uncle, it's not a molestation. Yeah, it's a little congratulations, a little. A lot of tongue. You're only the second person to graduate in our family. I'm so glad you don't have facial hair yet. It's like kissing a girl. You're a girl, aren't you, Jay? You're thick like your father. Jay, I'm so much better than your stepdad, aren't I? My stepfather was gentle. See, when I hear the word scattered violently through a muddy field, that is fucking, you know, as Arab as it gets. I mean, Jesus Christ. What the fuck does mud have to do with being Arab? Well, I'm assuming it's a lot of dirt. When it starts raining, it turns into mud, Nina. No, it's a lot of sand. We're Arabs. No, no, no, no, that's good. That's a good point right there. I'm going to lock it in. Who are you voting? I think this is Brendan Sagalow. Me? I think you have an affectionate family, I think. Wait, who are you voting for, Aaron? Every time someone votes for me, it's not like that, so I think it's you. I think they have different laws in those countries where an uncle kissing you is acceptable. I'm going to go with Nina. You think they took out uncle slash husband? No, who are you voting for? I'm thinking this might be Big fucking Jay. I mean. I'm voting Big Jay or Aaron. Wait, hold on. You graduate high school, did you go to your graduation? Yes. Was it in a big muddy field? No. I feel like Lewis would know if it was Jay or not if he got molested because you all are best friends, so you're trying to throw us off. Uncle kissing you on the mouth, it just depends on the type of. I'm Puerto Rican. Our uncles kiss us directly on our mouths. And dicks. That's fucking weird. No, that's how they pass the balloons of heroin in prison. Lewis one time, Lewis woke up on his eighth birthday getting butterfly kisses on his asshole from an uncle. Lewis, sell this. Lewis. Lewis, congratulations. Oh, what is this? Adios mio. Go, go. What a graduation. Fatos locos forever. Feliz. Feliz graduation. Feliz cumpleanos. And here's a pitbull. I got you a pitbull too, Lewis. Is the big thing being molested? Is that the big thing? Jay, who did you vote for? Brendan. So I'm going to play the game right now because if I vote for Brendan as well, I'm getting a Brendan or a Big Jay vibe, but if I vote for Brendan as well, I can't beat you. So if I get it right, I can beat you. I'm telling you, man. Unless it's Big Jay and nobody fucking votes for him, you idiots. He can beat you like his uncle did with his tongue. I'm going Big Jay Oakerson. I think it's Brendan, but I got to play the game a little bit here. I'm going Big, yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Yes. Jay got kissed by his uncle. You wish. Alex. The final story of the night belongs to Big Jay Oakerson. Ah! Fuck. Fuck. Good job. That was fucking great. Wow. Yeah. Big Jay. Who is this uncle that molested you? Guys, you're overthinking the uncle thing. Oh, it was Uncle Cracker. I just threw that in because it's funny because it also happened. At the beginning of my graduation, before the rain came, my uncle ran up to me. My dad's stepbrother, my uncle, but it's one of the closest uncles I have. Oh, it's not even real. It's not blood. You could fuck him. It's totally fine. It's fine. But he was like, he's on my dad's side of the family, so he goes over there and he starts being like purposefully trying to embarrass me, and I'm kind of giving, I'm doing the wrong move by, instead of just steering into it, I only went to one year of this school, and I'm graduating from there, so I'm kind of doing like the, please lay low, and he goes, no, he goes, hey, this Jew boy is my nephew. This Jew boy. Who is your uncle, Nina Karufa? Yes. And then he started fucking kissing me on the mouth after making a scene on purpose. Oh, my God. Did you press charges? No. I got it. It was funny. Uncle Tommy. Uncle Tommy. Uncle Tommy. Uncle Tommy. Uncle Tommy's a card. And also, he told me that if I tell, we'll both get in trouble. That's so insane. He said he'd kill your parents. I'm so sorry. He said he'd kill my parents, and I still believe him to this day, God damn it. Abducted in plain sight. He said the aliens said we have to hook up. Are you okay? I'm fine. I'm fine. Uncle Tommy's still around. I give him money, weirdly. This is insane. But yeah, it started storming during my high school graduation. Everybody went nuts. Nobody was like, it wasn't a calm, like, all right, everybody, the rain's coming, so we're going to move this inside. And they go, everybody get out of the thing. We have to call the cops. Because it's like metal bleachers. It's outside of, like, a football field. And we had to hand my grandmother. We had to pass her over a fucking fence. And her weird girdle showed, and you could see her. Oh, God, it wasn't even hot. Ehrenberg's jerking off under the table, by the way. He's almost done. Let him finish. Alex, I genuinely don't know who won. I have no idea where the points are at. Well, in last place, with eight points, Ehrenberg. It was a blast. In fourth place, with 12 points, Brendan Sagalow. Yeah. God damn it. I never win. In third place, with 17 points, Nina Karufa. Yeah. I'll take it. In third place. Yeah. Second place scored 18 points. And your winner tonight, with 19 points, Big Jay Ogerson. Wow. You were here. You were here for one of the nights. Oh, my God. I'm taking home white fear. I don't care how the browning of America is making white folks lose their mind by rolling. That's Martin. This is so amazing. I can't thank you all enough. This is absolutely amazing. It's been a while again since I had a little dynasty for a minute. Yeah. And you were in last place the whole game. Thank you, double points. I was in last place a bunch of times. I liked my points in twos. I liked my nipples in threes. Thank you all so much. I can't wait to take this. This belongs now to the Story Wars library. How about a big round of applause for our amazing panel, the great Ehrenberg. Ehrenberg. Ehrenberg. Ehrenberg. Ehrenberg. The great Brendan Sagalow. The great Nina Karufa. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us at Story Wars. We're here every week at New York Comedy Club. Until next time, everybody, peace. Thank you. We'll see you next time.