A Triumph of Pure Delight with Trixie and Katya

We have to start right off the pot because as this was the first time we acknowledge we made it under our own favorite TV show It's about it. Oh I brought a shirt to wear well, this is cute though. Oh, thank you so much I well when we first of all let's get back to that Congrats you fucking Lacey congratulations to you, we made the statue on the same few months It was very on the same time it yeah. I you pull it pull up The kids have pulled up the receipts. I remember this distinctly, you know I've tweeted obnoxiously about hacks forever since it aired and I was like all I want in my life is to get hit by Deborah Deborah Vance's Rolls Royce and Basically, I mean I don't get hit sport. I don't get it. We know from the trailer that it's a an altercation Yes, there is some kind of yes, it is um, maybe and then actually you guys guess maybe we fuck maybe we Cesar Maybe we scored who knows but stay tuned to find out and I saw I watched The first episode of the comeback yesterday and I did too Mary. It's Lisa Kudrow Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh out. Do you want to talk about the we have to address the elephant in the room And it's not my giant unit. It's the car bunkal and it's sort of concealing. I'm just we're gonna ignore it Dermatological event. I think it's a lot more than that. I think it's it's it's multifaceted But let's move on the the Valerie cherished that character. It's cringe comedy, right? Yeah, I saw she's on the cover of a magazine Says queen of cringe and it's true. It's true. It's like it's like it's like a Ricky Gervais is a character in the British office. It's he's so it's the character the actor so good at making you cringe that it's almost Watchably good like physically hurt. Yeah, it's like that tough of feeling that I've like I mean it's played so well That is almost like I had to watch in two parts and it's only half a long. Yeah, she's so incredible She's so incredible. It's a painful watch for sure, but it's such a good show It's amazing. It's just exciting to see her and I watched it on the app the app started with the recap of both seasons Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's also in the couch like this. Yeah Miss big pulling out her gut and separating her titties and getting ready to eat But you're in dress on I put both titties separate them stuck them under my armpits grab my fork and my knife and was ready to chow down I miss Valerie who well you need to keep that in the back of your mind because I got a point about that very thing later on about eating in the boat Separating the titties for eating. We'll talk about that. Oh why later. It's too soon It's too soon. It's way too soon. Um, I'm excited to see you in hacks and I'm excited to I hate why do they make us wait for shows? Give me the whole thing Very only gave me one episode what I could marry I could not believe it Season one season three episode one available only I could not believe it I couldn't believe it and after everything I've trusted with Valor I felt so shocked to be traded at that on my couch with that remote. Yes. Oh, by the way, we can tell people Katie and I also Got sex changes I change for something change your sex Mimi change it around What we need to do Mimi? I'm first third on the sex change list. I could not believe it The best part of that and the fans who wear a brand-new to drag race don't know about this This is some old shit now. This is when the only way to watch drag race was on one of the Teletubby stomachs Yeah, like it was so that back or nothing. Yeah Back to be with you'd have to have your kids stand on top of the TV with tin foil just to try to get RuPaul Like good luck and don't bucket if you want to skip the commercials. You got to yank the cord out of the wall. Yep Okay, so when you can I ask about hacks? I knew We couldn't tell people yes. What did you think when they how did you find out you were gonna get the opportunity to do it? Oh my god. Can I share? No, I asked because I don't want you to tell me We finally have new information. I was just right. I'm just trying to be I'm trying to pad my essay It's not a good story, and you're gonna be like well You're never gonna believe this because once they start telling you this story you are gonna be told all the details This is starting with the first one. This is big for Deborah, but for Katya. This is huge So I'm not gonna brag. I'm just gonna state facts in a very Condescending way. Okay, so I get a message on Instagram from Paul Downs one of the serious creators. It's created by Paul Downs Luchie Nello and Jen Statsky. Those are the showrunners and Paul said in a DM Hey, Katya, do you want to be on hacks? And I thought it was like in April fools joke. It was January and so I was like Josie Grozy getting asked to the problem. I was like you I was like if this is a joke I'm gonna kill you then myself or I'm gonna kill myself then you whatever. How do you kill yourself and then him? I don't know I've gender from 30 rock knows how to do that Tylenol PM slow release You kill yourself and then hours later he's like I'm sleepy at the wheel Thank you So it wouldn't be fierce ever all these years of you being Miss Miss Cracky if I odied on Tylenol PM They'd be so conty. I would drag you I would go I would go I would deny a woman at a bank alone So I could go down the hell drag you back bitch. That's what I would do I would drag you back from hell to kill you by self. No, um, I So he said that and I hope that's okay to mention He also sent me a ton of dick pics not his just other people just other people Yeah, and I was like holy crap, so they they I was like, okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course and they wrote apart from me no addition Wow no addition. Thank God. Thank God. You're gonna got it. Shit. That's me too girl. Offer only show up Disappoint them and get out before anyone's to say anything Tea that tea is so nasty Let me try to make sure my hair is good because this line reading is about to be dead on arrival Like let me make sure my hair let me get my alligator because this ain't a talking right because these lines you wrote for me Are going to be so flat so flat so wouldn't and because you cast wrote it for me There will be no recasting and I will never be asked back every time I'm on something It's it's not a recurring character. They're like we're good. Well, this is the final season So my performance could be the death now, but it is no I don't want to tell anybody until the when the trailer came off of the comeback and for Max in the trailer so at least we know we're not cut out because we don't want to tell anybody we're in it And then they're like well, that's not what happened because you were in it Totally totally and these faggates that hate us that swarm all around all of them all of them They would love to be like that one bet you really thought now. Yeah, you really thought bet you's really thought that this was a pivotal moment in your Shit ass career. Well, guess what? It's not a nice try heifer. Why don't you put her on your iPhone to make some TikToks bitch? You know, why don't you try to get your socials up? You flop because it's never gonna happen for you I know hollywood because a super fan of the comeback and hacks even super fans who beg for the job publicly who get a part Written for them can't even show up and succeed at line reading a part that was written for them in their voice in their voice As them no one day read Let me tell you what let me tell you so I So I get the date. Of course, I'm I go in for fitting the costume designer is you can tell a costume is on her's legit the wait this woman's legit You know, I don't know how to explain it, but she was I Don't know how to explain it. She was a serious authoritative. She was nice She wasn't super warm or sweet, but she knew what she was fucking doing and she could tell that she had done the job for a long time I was a little scared of her TV people and in costume are usually They're dressed chic, but it's all very downplayed. Yeah, it's like a really nice t-shirt. It's a really nice pair of jeans. They're not like yeah No, no, no, no, no, it wasn't like she didn't come in bokeh or anything, but she was another lady who came in and I could just tell She had an air about her of authoritative air. She's small small lady and it was Jean smart because they Yeah, they do multiple role. Here's the thing Jean smart and I I brought my my selection of Nasty Ho Chi outfits that you didn't go down there with your Albanian of course I did with my little I had I had a small selection of Deborah Vance like outfits The only took the only allow me to wear the shoes that I brought But I ended up wearing Deborah's costume because I am what five two 120 pounds just like Deborah Vance and she's really tall So Jean smart's actually quite tall And we fit into the same sequin duster The same shimmy's blouse the same sequin pants which were Boiling hot. Well, so that's my first spiral right spiraling So then they move the date up three weeks fierce birthday and you needed those time that time to learn that one line Well, baby high-point coffee. Yeah Well the fears this thing is that the moment the day. Well, I'm too getting ahead of myself But sidebar and I'll go back to it the the the day that the trailer comes out for the what what had become the best day of my professional life by bar the best day in my life I get a check for the worst day of my life from residual Yeah, we leave that out, but it's put something else in was it from the prices right? It was from um And you guessed that that Pontiac Grand Prix was four dollars. Yeah, that was humiliated. It was my guess our in double anal angels Girl, I get a really conti residual from from Drew Barrymore show. That is so weird for a talk show I guess it gets replayed. Yeah, I'm a thank you sad because I just sure did pay by dues that were three thousand dollars. Hello. Oh anyways But so After the fitting, I spiral. I spiral because I'm like, this is gonna be so hot, hot lights. I'm gonna be so nervous, I'm just terrified. - You also have a self-sabotaging streak? - Well, duh. - Exactly, especially-- - You're getting hacked as he realized this is your death note? - I know, I know. And it's like, it not to be dramatic, but if I had (beep) this, I'm not joking. I would've been a very, very, I would-- - No, this is what I think happened. - No, I would've been, I would've come myself. I know, have your, (laughs) - Maybe there's a part two. (laughs) - Pull down, call her back. Make the part pull. - Re-shoots, we're gonna need the part in Spanish. I think that when they asked you, 'cause you're self-sabotaging, when you looked at your phone, it said, "Would you like to be on hacks?" I think you put it down, and it was that part in, that part in, that part in force gun. - She gets out on the ledge. - Where she's on the ledge, Jenny. - And she's ready to jump. - I step on the table of cocaine. - Yeah. (laughs) - Yes. - Totally. - You know, it was the Zoe Bell on the hood of the car with no straps. - For sure. - I can't wait to see the show. You're gonna be, you look great. - Well, let me tell you, let me tell you more. So it was a, so the, I, I, the mama, baby, sweetie, darling, country, honey, baby, get the side of my way. The second miracle? - That was the first miracle, okay. I guess what fucking happens the night before, call time, 5 a.m. So I start to, I'm like, okay, okay, okay. - I'm gonna go to bed. - You're like, we should stay up. - No, no, no, no, no. - I can't, that's not an option. But I also can't tranquilize myself to go to bed 'cause I won't wake up. - Right. - So I feel like you, just make sure in your bed by 8 p.m. I was like, where are you talking to? - She's right. - Of course she's right, but it's not possible. - So around 4 p.m. that day, my call time gets moved up to 11 a.m. in the way that I got bricked. So bricked up and almost spontaneously ejaculated in my pants. - What did I make it move to? - 11 a.m. - Makeup call. - Arrival. - Oh, that's nice. - Nice. - You think that's nice? That's a miracle. - I could never be in TV like that. - It's a miracle. - We need you at 5. - No, at 5 show I got fresh, showered. - I'm not in makeup. When I was, when I did English teacher, I had to be, I mean, call was like, - Yeah, the hour six. - And I had to start makeup that early. - It was bad. - Yeah, when I, you know, I had that experience. It's not great. So I learned all my lines. I learned all my lines. Let me say that again. I memorized my lines. And I had, huge of true. But call time got moved up. I had a scene with Jean Smart. Mary, what did I tell you ever, and it was HBO. So HBO, they know what they're doing. This is the final season of a multiple Emmy winning show. And the first thing is that I was dressed as Deborah Vance as you can see in the picture, wearing her outfits. But they had several Deborah Vance wigs for me to wear. They chose the one that Fianna made 'cause it was the best. I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised 'cause girl, she turned that wig. She turned that wig's pussy into a puswarrr. The ultimate pussy. She took everybody's pussy and said, you don't have a pussy anymore 'cause this wig is the pussy. She deserves the recognition. She really does a great job. Mary, we showed up. And I think we, separately, we drove home. I think we both cried because it was, we reminisced that this is a Wednesday, 15 years ago. We were doing a show called The Cream of Laughter at Jacques Cabaret for zero people together. - Oh, I thought of that name. - It was a joke. It was really just called something Wednesdays. We, there was our nickname for the night. But like, that's not the point. - The cream of laughter? - It's hysterical. - Fucking gross. - No, I know. It's like cream of wheat. But the point is we were doing shows for nobody. We're getting paid $40, losing the bar money. - Right. - And then caught 15 years ago Wednesday. She's designing a wig for HBO, for me to act along with Jean Smart. She helped me with the makeup. It was, the day was like so magical. It was unbelievable. - It was unbelievable. - You're not allowed to say what happened in the scene, but I am. - Yeah. - You and Jean, Miss Smart, excuse you. - Sorry, you and Miss Smart. - Fuck, yeah. - Yes, you know, it made love it. - It made love is really like more apt, but not for what we were doing. - Well, I was also hired. I was the intimacy coordinator. - Yes. - And I said Jean, yeah. - Use the whole fish. - She can't feel nothing. - Thank you. - Don't worry about the nails, honey. - Jean, get the anal paralytic for you. - For you? - Yeah. I just was so excited for you, you deserve it. - And no matter what happens, no matter if I get cut out, no matter whatever, whatever, whatever, I'm not involved in the editing, although I email them every day. - What would you do if you were in the trailer and cut out of the season? - Honestly, no, no, honestly, to be quite honest, I would probably feel relief that I didn't ruin their show. - Or that you can be like, you guys missed the scene, but I jumped out of a helicopter. I'm really the star of this season. - Yeah. - You guys just heard you pod? - Yeah. Mary, I don't, I pull a focus for Ms. Smart. She didn't want that. She wanted someone to, she and Lisa are in high contentia for an Emmy this year, and I didn't want to get in the middle of that. - Right. - Right, right, right, right, right. - 'Cause everybody knows I would get it for Jean. You know, nobody goes, I got my job on the comeback the same way, which is begging to the camera. - Yeah. - Don't audition. - Mama, audition. - You beg, shamelessness. - You beg. - You stalk. You put on that Sean Young cat woman suit, you get out in front of the lawn and you let it rip. - Yeah, I think, well, I told on this part of the story when I met Michael Patrick King at that St. Patrick's Day party. - Mm-hmm. - Which now-- - It's a little on the nose, Michael Patrick King St. Patrick's. - I know. And now, thinking back, that story was me, talking to somebody else about the comeback and going, we're just talking about the comeback, and remember I didn't know who it was. - Yeah. - You asshole. - Which is in, in, it's very Valerie. - It's so Valerie. - Very Valerie. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Maybe we'll get to present at the Emmys this year, because I'll have been on the comeback and you'll have been on hacks. Maybe I'll get to dress as Valerie, dress as Jean. - Honey, they have, let me tell you. - We beg. - If that's true, you've got a big storm coming. (laughing) - Oh, as you learned, we're gonna need the script for the category now. - Yesterday. - Yesterday. (laughing) - And I will get up there and go, I have swampass in leave. - I can't memorize. - I can memorize. Like, you know, one day Guru Nanam tried to not have any day, but that took about six hundred and fifty times. - Right. - Every day. - It's hard to memorize. - It's hard to memorize, but you know what you do, you write it down. - Long form. - Love, I watched the first episode of the comeback. I mean, like, Glamazonian Airways, I was a cinch. - A board. - Yeah, you really flopped. - Yeah, I wish Paul Downs had seen that. - Well, they did, that's why they hired me. - No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm not done. So, can I tell you about Gene Smite? - Yeah. - Oh, man. - She's fucking cool. - She's not good. - She's not great. - Meg Salter said she's not good. - She's not great. She's not as a little, like, freshly fucked, but like, I'm just kidding. No, like, so we get there, I'm nervous as hell. I'm so nervous. - I'm so fucking nervous. - The dream job turns into nightmare. - Nightmare, in a heartbeat, because I could ruin it. - Of course. - And I've, there's so many ways in which I can ruin it and have ruined stuff before, like, and I can, I am so familiar with the air and the look of frustration and disappointment on people's faces that it's become a palpable, like, weather pattern. And it only-- - The ride home in the car could go there very differently. - The ride home in the car would go off a cliff. - Yeah. - Yeah. So, the, she's so fucking sweet. So fear she's like, "When are we on lines?" And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I do." And then, in two seconds, I was like, not nervous. - What if he said no? I'm just like, "Do you want to run lines?" - No, you old bitch. (laughing) "No bitch, I know my lines." I've been watching Buffett the Vampire Slayer from the beginning, and when I think of serial killer, making an, basically, an hour movie every week. It's a 50-minute episode, whatever. It's basically like soap opera schedules, right? - Yes. - And fight choreography. She's in fights every week. And sex scenes. - Honestly, all of it. I think of her learning it quickly, and I googled, "How would you do this?" She was on all my children. The part of her brain that could do soap. - And then just dumps it. - She was like, I think she has said that that helped her memorize quickly. - Yeah. - Wish I could do that? - I know, that's like Lisa Rena when she was on, she was on like, whatever, or she was on soaps as well. Like, you just, you do like 20 pages a day or some crazy shit like that. And you just, you just got to, (blows kiss) - Yeah, I have a friend who's on General Hospital, and I said, "How do you do that?" I heard from, I talked about the Buffett thing. I said, "I heard a serial killer," or I'll tell him how he learned so fast. He said, "It's an exercise in acting because you don't get a second chance of anything." He's like, "Once you've got it, you didn't mess up the words you move on." So he says, "This is an actor. It has really taught him to throw it all out there every time because you're not like, "Oh, my fifth take will be great." It's like, "No, it has to be great every time." - Whereas like, I mean, who is it? Somebody was talking, the Julie Roberts was talking about working with Andrew Garfield on that movie, and like, she's the type of person who's like, "Okay, she doesn't want to do 50 takes, and he does want to do 50 takes." Oh God, I don't know. - I think actors work differently. - They work a lot. Movies, Mary, movies are a whole different thing. - Well, what's great about this season is that Gene's not in it, and you just, played her. Because what I saw on the trailer was you dressed as her, which I thought meant. Yeah. Jean quit the first day. Yes. And they got the only person who could fill in for her. Yeah. Well, she's actually co-starring on the comeback, which is strange. And then, you know, Valerie comes in to my season later, but we don't talk about you. And it's a whole, yeah, no. It was, um, it was the best day of my life. That's great. And if it doesn't air or if I die before then, or they come me out, I don't give a shit. I mean, I don't want to die. And then before they knock on me out, but now I think they won't because you're in the trailer. I didn't celebrate the comeback until I saw the trailer. And I'm like, okay, good. Yeah. What if they cut us both out? Well, I'm going to say this. I got feedback from one of the directors and they said, well, how about this? When I when I was done, they, like, you were Jenny Craig, we couldn't use the footage because of the lens back. Your back rules. The, they said, you killed it. Oh, that's good. But I think they were talking about the, the, the possum in my trailer. Love. I don't know. I, I, I, I cry it on the way home. I'm tears and pray. All I pray for is air conditioning. That's all I pray for. So that's what I, that's why I got that mucus sucking medication, which I know somebody chimed in in the comments, which I never read, um, that it's, it's a very dangerous medication because it dries up all your mucus membranes. It's not safe. It's for event specific hyper hydrosis. Right. I don't take it every day. I've taken it twice. But you telling me to take it at music festivals is not good advice. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But that's when you told me to take it. It's, I, I said, you could try it at a music festival. If you are available to be super hydrated, but you're not in 120 degree heat. Okay. Because this was, this was, I'm in a refer, I'm going to ask my primary question. Ask him about it. I asked an MD about it. I told him exactly the scenario and then they prescribed it to me. Sure. But here's the thing. It dries up all your mucus membranes. You get dry mouth. You get very, very dry. And what about my, your, your pee, your pussy, you, you will not square it. Get wet. No. Damn. You want to square it? It'll be just Sahara down there with a Sahara, like the goby. Damn. From the yangsy to the goby. But wait, wait, so it, it's not great for you, but it was an emergency situation. Because think about it, like sweating, reattouch. If once the mustache goes, Mary, it's over. It's over. And she goes, is that sweating? Yeah. Get this bag out of here because she famously runs cold. Oh, here we go. That's, and I know that. I heard that. She's like, I hate how cold it is on set. And I'm like, fuck. That would drive me insane. Yeah, but she was, anyways, yeah, it worked for the, it worked when Fina, I mean, I didn't really, actually, no, that's not true because we, we got kind of physical of the scene. And the fucking, and normally I would have walked out of that scene because I really went for it, you know, and I would have walked out of that scene, drenched, got back into the trailer, bone, draw, love, the bone temple. Well, when it comes out, I'm going to have to talk to it again, because I'm going to want to know, because I only know about the, I want to know about, I can't, you can't say no, I know. And in my, the reason I'm there is interesting. And it's, it's integral to the plot of the season, which I don't know. I know the whole episode, but it's going to be, um, the episode sounds wild. It sounds really crazy. And I cannot wait to watch it. And I mean, I'm like, I love all those people. I've been to hand, I hand, I'm binders like stand-up show, at the Dynasty typewriter. She's incredible. Um, I've worked with Mark and Delicado and that celebrity drag race thing. We danced together, lost, um, celebrity drag race. Rotten. Are they still doing that? I don't know. I hope they don't. This shouldn't. Were you talking about air conditioning, baby? That place was a little abusively air conditioned. Celebrity drag race? Yeah. Love it. It was like 30 degrees. Love. It was a little, for me, I was actually like, this is bad for our joints. I love, oh, I love that. One time Tom Fini, Thomas Fini, he was like, for the hello, hello video, it's like, you know, if it's too cold, it's actually bad for your joints, the baby. Yeah. Get ready to break those knees. Yes, by yeah, boniva. But then jokes on you, I showed up and it was 98 degrees. Oh, that's right. And that velvet, that velvet teen rabbit suit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm at the point where I don't even walk up. When it's hot somewhere, I don't walk up and say anything. I just power down and go inside myself. Take your glycopyralate. Just giving like that scene and precious where she's, she like goes outside of her body. That's me. When it's that hot and drag, I go like, well, I'm going to turn on my peripheral personality and go inside myself and think about everything bad that's ever happened to me and will ever happen to me. I'm going to ask really project above myself. Yes. Somebody's to avoid the trauma. I just saw Paul downs at the, um, the queries. Mama, let's talk about his skin. Let's talk about his hair. Let's talk about his personality. The way that man is so lovely, so hot, so nice, so funny, I would just chain him to a radiator and fuck him to death. Okay. That didn't happen at the queries. He was introducing Meg. She received an award, major award in her American flag outfit, American weather, tramp stamp. She came and she also was on the red carpet just going. The present should be in jail, both for Meg. What was her acceptance speech? Like, I forget. It was hysterical. It was, it was out of her mind. She's out of her mind. When she was on, it was some late night show when she had a long, long, long wig. And she's like, um, when she mentions, when I'm on my big period, my big period when I have my big period. Just going to do her big one. She, and it was just too much. I think it was Stephen Colbert. It might have been, but it was, he, he didn't even know what to do with that lady because she is too hot for TV. She's amazed. Oh, oh, that's the one where she goes, get me out of here. She is so hot. I've never been in London, and you just go to breakfast. You're like, get me out of here. What's so bad? She's, I'm like, probably my favorite person in this whole fucking world. Can I tell you about the beauties? Oh, yes, yes, yes. You looked fetching. Oh, thank you. Very nice gown. Amy built that gown, beautiful. I did the hair. Fiona was out of town working with you. Yeah. And there's no hair and makeup people left in Los Angeles who do drag hair and makeup. No, there's chastine. And that's it. It's a win when when beauty. It's a weird thing where there's hair people and makeup people. You can have chili drag is different. Of course. And the problem is you need veteran drag queens to do it. Yeah. But drag queens are notoriously alcoholic, unreliable horse. So to find a unicorn like Fina, who has drag knowledge, who's reliable, who wakes up at six a.m. Everybody because she comes to, yeah, I know all my usual people. I'm like, are you available? Are you available? Because I need somebody who can glue lace and fix and make everything. I don't ever don't think that Fina is yours, baby, because I have claimed that I got a transplant. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. You must pay better than me. That's gotta be what it is. Yeah, I find out whatever you offer. And I triple it. Makes sense. That's why I'm such in such dire financial space. The credits was easy. I showed up. I did my test with your best joke. No good jokes. No, they were really funny. They were really, which one did I like? Oh, I said, if you guys get nervous about the queries, remember that no one even knows what they are. They're like RuPaul songs and that only the people in this room even know they exist. Tea. Pretty fun. Oh, Raven Simone, a credible sense of humor. I said, I said, Raven Simone is here tonight, but she probably already knew that. And I didn't watch till the feed, but the feed is just her like, because she probably doesn't even remember being on that show. No, and then I go, I'm Trixie Mattel and you're watching the queries. And I did like the Disney Channel thing. I'm telling you, she doesn't even remember. But maybe it's the editing, but I watched the feed on TikTok. She's like, cutting to her not laughing, but I'm sure she I'm sure she did laugh, whatever she was probably laughing so much. She puked. Yeah, but I will say this story. Okay. So I was going to do the queries and they asked me and I said, well, I've seen jinx to it and Alaska and Bob. And when I know from going to the queries to host it, what I know from going is that people are so drunk and talking. No one is even listening. So what I've learned is I said, Bob, it actually inspired me because you three are so funny. And I've been in the audience. No one's really listening. It's kind of freeing. Just talk to the camera. Do your job. I was like, Bob, and he Bob goes, well, actually when I did it, a lot of people laughed and people actually really liked it. And people came up to me and said they thought it was really funny. I said, okay, perfect. Never mind. No common ground them. We're good. Okay, good. Actually, what most people consider a failure, I actually see that girl. I'm saying you were funny, but I'm saying that in the environment, haven't a load. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the Oscars. Yes. So like, thanks to the confidence, Bob, perfect. Bob's actually, I was incredible. Got it. I didn't mention you're also ugly. Right. Right. And Bob said, everyone's saying that you look bad. My press release for the queries was that this year they went with pretty fierce. Nice. But it was easy. Just going to read your lines, read your lines, funny, funny, leave. Oh, I said, last I said, you guys, he were here in David R. Cholett did that Paula Abdul tribute because he did it one a few years ago. I said, I was so inspired. I've been doing a lady bunny tribute for the past 17 years. That's historical. That's so good. That Gen Z is like, who's Lady Bunny? Yeah. Gen offers like six for seven. What the sigma? What else? What was that? It was easy. I just said big stars, big stars, big stars. Of course, of course, of course, Joe, Paul Downs, Mick Stalter, May Martin. Does everybody have to be queer, queer, Jason? No, you can win for doing, I think something I think we're Hudson. The cast of boots was there. Oh, I watched that. Boots was there who also is a lot of people or that I grew up, I went by like a blur, but they put me next to the stage with a little glass of wine. So I just had to sit backstage and wait and wait to go on and talk. And there was one part where I guess I was spacing out and somebody walked off stage. And I have this thing where when I make a mistake on stage, I tell the audience, I don't know what that is. It's a bad bad. But I ran out on stage after some data and I go, I'm here. I'm here. Sorry, I was drinking. That wasn't, but that wasn't comedy. - That was me just being like, I was over there drinking. - That's funny, that's funny. - But you should just pay attention. - Yeah, I mean, I was back there with wine like, yeah, somebody get a host, like flip the fuck. - That's fierce though. - It was really easy and then I just went home. But I got to see Paul and I fucking, I said, you know, Katya, we've talked about U.M. hacks and I'm just exciting. - They should do it. You've seen house, that weird medical show. - Yeah, they're gonna do it. - Not weird than every medical show. - Oh, I know, but they should do it across the road. Boots the house down. - You know what I mean? Where they all become medical students, all the American guys, and then it's gay. - How do you think the actors on those shows memorize medical jargon? - Oh, baby, because I've been watching industry, you wanna talk about financial jargon, baby. - Shorts, I don't even read derivatives. - We're in shorts. - No, like we're gonna, we're gonna short the fun, the hedge dot, I mean, I have 60% of the dialogue. I have, I couldn't tell you what the fuck it was. And I don't want to learn because I hate finance. The show is so riveting. I had to turn it off. It got really dark into pressing. It's a lot of sacks, a lot of violence, a lot of really grim people doing despicable things. It's excellent. Kid Harrington is conty in it, and so is everybody else. But it's like, girl, I don't know what the finance trading all that bullshit? None of it, but it still rivets me. Is that it? Can you be, can you be, I don't know these words. - No, I mean, is it, is it, we're just saying it rivets me? - No, I think it's good, it's riveting. - I was riveted by it. - It rivets me, I think that is wrong. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got riveted. - Yeah, a frog rivets, and I get riveted. - I'd love for your guy to rivet me, you know? - Both like, sorry. - But yeah, no, I don't know, the jargon, and do you think it's satisfying for actors? - I do think house is funny because it's always like, but menstrual cramps, it's always like, I know you think that you need your prescription change in your glasses, but you're pregnant with triplets. - Or like, the leap is going in your vagina. - Yeah, it's like, you are, or it degrees in out of me. That's funny. - Your daughter said she's a virgin. It's always like, your nine-year-old doesn't have brain cancer. She's pregnant. - Yes. - It's crazy. - But on the pit, it's like, we need three CCs of thoresine, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. It's like, did you see on Saturday at Live? Did you see, it's like the pit, but it's like, like, make America healthy again, addition. - Ma. - And it's like, we need beef, tallow, and bra mil, or whatever, they're like, prescribed in milk. - Wait, just begin a maha, and I know we can't touch, we're talking on this, on the pod, perhaps. But I watched the Gillian-- (screams) - What do you mean, we can't talk about it. It's all I've thought about. Why didn't you start with this? - Well, because I'm edging you for the next episode when I put my other t-shirt on and let it rip. - I cannot tell you how badly we need to talk about it. - Baby, the way I had to take a break. Because Andrew and I watched it at the studio at 45 minutes in, I said, "We need to pause this." - Why can't we talk about it? - We're going to, next episode. - Honey. - So why bring it up now? - For a cliffhanger. - Oh, okay. They're never gonna tune in, if you know how horny. I watch a lot of Jubilee content. I think that, I thought the Queen's Jubilee was just about her body being brought around the world. - They do a really good job. It's obviously very engaging. It's fun to watch people be passionate and fight. I watch a lot of Jubilee, never heard of it. And some people call it rage-baiting. Where you're baiting the audience to just be enraged watching people's, you know. - Mama, I was the biggest trout in the lake. But it's right up with like, okay, we'll talk about it next week, but I do. - Watching Dr. Mike be surrounded by anti-vaxxers. Like I like to watch the audacity of people with no medical background, sit down with doctors and be like, "Well, actually, we'll get to it when we're here." - Next episode, it was exasperating. I had to constantly check my blood pressure. I had to take my list startin' twice. I had to do the, you know what I mean? I had to do yoga breaths. You know, cooling breaths, if we get to turn the AC on, I had to take a walk around the block, get some tacos. I needed a break. - Yeah, I had a joy. - What's your joy? - Well, got to go to Dollywood. - Right. - I've been on my theme park kick. Dollywood, two weekends ago. - Thanks for the invite, by the way. - Did you see Disneyland this weekend? - You like Disney. - Oh yeah, I splurge on the VIP tour guide to do the whole park in a day. - You do underground, the underground pizza shop. - Oh yeah, you walk in the exit, they say, "Which cart do you want, how many rides do you want to ride it?" - Do you see the secret, you know what's on there? - I met Mickey. He's not what you think. Huge, huge, bloated Italian guy. I walk in, he has a pile, he has an Easter basket full of fingers, he's cut off that day. (laughs) - That he wears as a penis packer. - And he was making friendship bracelets that he said, "Are you Tracy, come sit down." And I sat down. It was me, you know what else it was. I think it was Timothy Shalemake. Mickey loves opera. - Of course he does. - So Timothy Shalemake, all the toes had been removed. - Yeah, yeah, it made him dance. - Yep. Oh my God, did you see you know Caitlin Riley? - Yes. - Who I love, the comedian. She did a skit on her TikTok that was talking about like ballet and opera sitting down with Timothy Shalemake. - Oh my God. - And it was like the next time you say anything about us, we're cutting off your fingers. (laughs) - That was so good. - Oh, maybe the dude three trailer got me so hard. - What's dude? - Dune. - Are you turned on, wait, dude three. - Dude three, no. Are you turned on, turned up, didn't turn out? What is it? There's a, there's a, there's a, oh, finally. - Get out. - Yes, that's you watching the dude trailer. - Dune trailer. - I fell through a ceiling into a split somehow. Mary, the way that trailer has me bricked and just gooned and I watched it 16 to 17 times, 'cause you know I'm about to split. I'm gonna see that thing in 60. 'Cause the 5D is when they shake the chairs, the 60 is when I squirt through the screen. - Girl, I went to see a movie recently. I sat in one of those D-Box chairs. Do you know about this? - D-Box. - D-Box. - It's the ones where they go like that and they poke you. I hate that shit. - I went with my boyfriend and he said. - I thought it was fun if we were paying for this, we gotta turn 'em up all the way. I said, okay. - They fuck you. - The way I got sorenautious. - Oh yeah, it's awful. - Like, it's awful. - And the movie if they're driving down a smooth road. - Yeah. - No, no, Mary, God forbid somebody spits and somebody's mouth. Oh, in the scene, if there's sex, you get fingered. (laughs) In the movie, if there's a fingering scene, you feel a robot hand, just reach up, hate it and then just really just get your clip. - It's, it's so fun. - It doesn't make sense. In the scene, it's like fast and furious. They're driving a car. Who's tweaking my nipples? What sense does that make? - Wait, why are they wired? Oh, because he's hot-wiring a car. - Everything's sexual. - I'm gonna have a D-box chair that everything's sexual. - I think it's just called a fuck machine. - You're watching the notebook. If they kiss, yes. - You got your legs up like this. - It's like a high-drawn, fuck machines. And you're watching the country bears. (laughs) - Herbie too fully loaded. - Yes, no, but when they got stabbed and do, and you felt a jab, I was like, I'm not here for that. - No, violence. - No, it was, I had to turn it down. It was taken me out. - Hate it. - I went to, okay, I went to Hollywood. Went with a big group. Much of my friends from Milwaukee, much of my friends in Kentucky, we all went. And Pigeon Forge, Dolly built Dollywood in her hometown in rural Tennessee. So this is entire community. That's all about this theme park that she dropped there so that she could stimulate the economy in her, 'cause Dolly's endlessly generous, of course. - Incredible. - It was amazing. I will always love the music festival season. So all of the decorations were pink. It was amazing. I was freaking out. Wrote all the rides. The rides are death-defying. They're serious roller coasters. - Oh my God, I'm so kind. I want to go so bad. Then I went to this show that was like this life story of Dolly show, which you would have hated. It's like musical theater with singing, but it's the story of Dolly. It was so interesting. They do it with like eight different Dolly's. So as they go through the phases of her career, it's like a transition happens. A scream goes by. There's a new Dolly and a new outfit comes out, singing a new song. And you're like, ah. - That's so fierce. - That was really fierce. And then there's a few things I want to go to. One of them I didn't go to, it's Kentucky Kingdom. It is a religious theme theme park, but I'm not going to give religious people money. The other thing I want to go to is the creationism museum where you can see like Adam and Eve writing raptors, but I don't want to give them money, but it's like Adam and Eve naked writing raptors. And then Satan sending the meteor, right? Yes, but what I did go to, it's crazy. I read in Pigeon Forge, you know, I'm getting my parrot, and I read there's a place called Parrot Mountain, which is an outdoor parrot sanctuary. And I went, obviously I'm going. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So I went and they have all these rare parrot species, rare at species, if you will. And I get in there, I pay my money, I go in. I, they got Laura Keats, they got Cockatiels, they got Cockatiels, they got Macaws, they got African Grey's, they got anything which you would ever want. And all these parrots are free roaming, shiny, happy, happy and healthy. And I have a million questions. They go, where are the president predators? How are the wild hawks not killing these birds? And they said, there's too many birds here. They're making too much noise. Safety and other birds are like, we're not coming over here. - Safety. - They, it was so interesting, holding all these birds, got to hold a black cockatoo, which is super rare. It was so exciting. - Bird food. - I don't have a further story other than I got to go up to all these, whatever species of bird you want to see, no, they can you see them, you can walk up and hold them and feed them. - Would you say you're a bird fan? - Am I a bird fan? - I've kissed a cockatoo. - Horrible brunch joke, horrible brunch joke. - Like, if you were in feathers, I'd say, like a feather boa, like, oh, you bird fan, kissed a cockatoo, horrible, horrible. - It's not so bad. - It's not as bad as it gets. - That's true. - Cost a lot of money to look at this cheap. - Yeah, the more you drink, the prettier we get. - We get, wait, there's a couple. - There's a music skips. We're having testicular difficulties. - Oh God, flashback, core memory, core memory. There was a funny clip on an Instagram that of Dolly, God, she's so hysterical. And she's doing like a question from an audience and they were like, How do you do it? Like, you do so much. How do you do it? She's like, "Honey, I do drugs." (laughing) - She's too good. - So fucking weird. - We're at the point now where every six months now, she's giving like a, I'm not dead yet, like message. - Yeah. - The weekend, I was there the day after Dolly would open. So the day before she was there doing her parade, she always comes to the parade. And the day after she'd given like a, she gave like a, what do you call it? Like she goes on stage and talks, and she's like, "My health, I'm older." - An update, yeah. - I take new medicine, et cetera. But you guys always think I'm dying. I'm okay, I'm here. I'm in a way, I'm here. But people are always like, "Oh God, there's a Dolly health update." - Oh my God. - And the news article's always like, "New update on Dolly's health." And it's like, she says she's doing good. - I think this is so fucked, but like what? Can we just assume she's good? - Yes. - Until we're not sure. - Healthy and too proven otherwise. - Yes, that woman is, you know, I'm not to be corny, but literally there are some people, very few of them, that I know of, and she is one of them, Angel. - Yeah. - On earth. - She really eats Angel. - She eats. - She charms. - Double Angel. - She also serves. - And she serves. - She serves food for people. - Oh, so I'm staying in Kentucky with my boyfriend, right, in this family. Have a boyfriend? - Yes. - Staying with him and his family. I go to sleep. - They all die. - No, no, no. Toronato Alley. I've never lived through a tornado. - Hello. - Hi. - Hi. - If you have, you're a liar. You've never lied so much in your entire life. - Oh, wait, that one time in Florida. I forgot about that, but I was young. - It doesn't matter. You saw her. - You were at your Bill Paxton. - I mean, the tiles were going to ripped off the roof. But it's not like a tornado came over my building. - Oh, it wasn't all the younger. - It was just a waffle house. - The tiles just got ripped out of the roof. - Yeah. So I get woken up. Boyfriend goes, you gotta wake up. There's a tornado. - You got that shed? - And I just go back to sleep. I just go, and he goes, no, you have to wake up. There's a tornado. And I'm like, oh my God. 'Cause I'm thinking like-- - What for? - I'm tired of rather die. - I'm tired of the bed post. The bench gonna take you up, like Dorothy. - Right, it's right. I'm like, I've seen the Wizard of Oz. This whole house is gonna go in. It's gonna be fabulous. - I love it. - It's gonna be fierce. I'll be like, color. We might lose a cow or my dad, but I get revenge. - So I go down to the living room and me, and we're sitting, watching the news, and there's the tornado. And we're watching it go, like, over the town, basically. And his mom opens the front door, and it looks like a tornado is coming out there. The wind is super blowing. They're just looking. This is what I realized. These people are way more used to close calls with tornadoes than I am. I'm not taking it seriously, and they're almost like watching a parade. They're like, yay. But what's the plan? What's the safety plan? - What's the safety plan? - The issue is we get down there. And then, finally, I'm waiting for something to happen, and like, 50 minutes go by, and they go, the good news is, when there's clothes like this, they come and go quickly. You can go back to bed. You're fine. It de-escalated from a watch to a warning or whatever. And then I go, so the plan was to wake up and die in the living room. - That's the contingency to the shed, to the basement shed or whatever, like Hellen hunt. The plan is to sit as a family and die watching the news. - You should pray together. - Pray. I just was like, that's crazy. But there was no basement, so I guess what do you do? You don't get in the car and drive. - No, you get under the dining room table, you start jacking it. - Well, what do they do in tornado? They put the belt around their hand and then hold onto the pipe, remember? - Yes. - But most importantly, her mom says, you know, she always loved weather. - She always loves weather. It's like, that's the line in the twister's part two, twister with glimp howl and what's her face, more attorney or whatever the fuck, a very daughter, you know? - She always loved weather. - Sure. - In fact, it's the only word she could learn to say. - It's like weather. - What? - Weather. - Before we go, I want to say, we added a show in Boston at the Wayne Theatre. - We totally did. - Technically, it's the formerly Wayne, the theater formerly known as Wayne. - Okay. - I think it's probably the Ernie Box Jr. Automiles, Spectacular, Civic Center or something. - I checked the numbers this morning, the first night is at 97%, so it's basically sold out. But the second night we added, we still do have some tickets left, but it's on track to sell out. So I just want to tell you guys. - Yes. And if please, we need to sell out because not only is our dignity at stake, if I have one more humiliation, it's curtains. - Right. - I also think you cried when we sold out Wayne last time, if we have two nights sold out, what will you do? - I'll probably throw up. - Finally. (laughs) - Your family get to come? - God, no, they hate me. - No, no, no, no, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're me maybe. They don't live in close to Boston anymore. - Oh. - Okay. (laughs) - Plus they got tornadoes to watch. - Right. Okay. Bye. (upbeat music)