A Transcendent Poolside Smoothie Recipe

well queen queen wait i gotta look at my notes but while you're doing that i'm going to tell you about what happened to me today ready so i'm at the gym i go two hours early and i am earlier than the gym is open no no earlier than you normally so i have an appointment with a trainer at say 10 a.m oh sorry okay no no really for who god right right you're outside before they open i was like hey most smartest have you seen that video of that woman trying to get on this bus and she's going and she's just scratching this oh my god most smartest oh my wait what wait what are you joking it's i feel like it's like i just had christmas is this christmas to me show it to me rachel show it you that was me that was me that was me blasting my hope blasting my conga balls through my undershorts my holy spirit that was me and diane lane that was me and keanu reeves so i was at the gym i go i have an appointment with eric the trainer at 10 now this guy who would play her easily a compacted um a slightly shorter version of slightly shorter jesus christ a foot shorter than jason momoa um a mexican remix the remix so he's from mexico boricua morena so puerto rico mexico come henny for lopez right henny for lopez henny from the block you know henny jennifer lopez yes yeah so so so i do know her it's like remember me i've heard of her jennifer remember when i said that i looked like a jennifer lopez in a bucket hat and you said i didn't remember when do you remember when jennifer lopez's team um contacted you guys to get them to get you to get me to tell my instagram followers that i wasn't performing with her my god they said could you please tell her to delete this story that she said i'm gonna be performing with henry for lopez tonight oh baby believe that that's what i said i was like are you guys stupid are you stupid are you crazy anyway so imagine trick katya fans showing up at the lopez concert yeah yeah they're like tonight's the night yeah well jenny's team got in touch with my team and we we made it work but anyways so back to venifer sorry jennifer um it was uh i was at the gym and i was 10 a.m it was a 4 45 waiting for 4 46 staff so i got 10 a.m i had my appointment and then i so i arrived around uh 8 30 because i'm girl i woke up at 5 today that's why i'm so fucking tired right now it's crazy i'm exhausted exhausted woke up at 5 and you didn't work yesterday or all weekend no okay just today we don't get rollover minutes and we started at three rollover minutes wait rollover minutes i just want you to tell the people at their 40 hour a week job right now how tired you are that's all whenever you point a finger i see a penis right i'm exhausted you are one of those gay guys in la with no job who says they're exhausted it is you the call is coming from inside the fucking house thank you thank you so i'm working down down at the gym because i love tom hanks right and i'm uh we're doing uh what do we do oh the whole point of the story i get my handstands back all of it all of it back the press the spread eagle the splits the press the one leg press the two leg press the straddle press the pike press all that came back everything after the surgery no problem well yeah you're lighter now they remove things you should be able to do it i'm like you know how that movie super bad was about being super bad this is about being super fly and super fat i am 20 pounds have good at handstands yeah thank you yeah i saw you in the piece or doing a handstand oh yeah pretty crazy that was just the warm-up that wasn't even after how does it feel it feels like almost a little too rich almost a little too sweet that's good yeah i mean he works me down down like i'm tom hanks i watched a program that i really had an issue with i tried to support this new film called conan no nope it was going to the key man of the universe oh the new nicholas galt scene okay oh you didn't like it it really was oh interesting tell me tell me tell me it's so it's so sexually it doesn't know who it is oh interesting it as a movie it's like it was like it was pitched as a comedy but then sold as an action but then they tried to marvel it out the last 10 seconds let me tell you something you already know but i tried to support it because i like hot people sure and the billboards were dazzling his upper body is dazzling yeah but you know so i can't and i got that so i came for that i got that yeah but you know this is what i don't get and this is what i as a lover of tom hanks as a woman of integrity intelligence and energy i'm not taking steroids i'm not taking peptides we don't think you are no but i'm never gonna do it never gonna get it never gonna get it never gonna get it whoa whoa whoa nobody will give me steroids i'm not a prized pig at a pageant right yet do you want to do steroids never no because i know i've done all the research about them i've seen people around me on steroids my god my god well i have some shocking studies on crystal meth that i'd like to show you yes tina tina shocking and smoking you think wait do you think i should do steroids no most people i've talked to either just makes them gain weight not in the muscle way what what are you talking about so it makes their body bigger yeah they gain weight yeah steroids yes if you don't exercise enough and eat the right way you just gain other weight like what like water weight no like fat like oh yeah or they just get like tiny balls and aggravated oh yeah but i guess they get muscly but you know i used to have to put like sherman williams house paint over the acne-ridden backs of go-go boys in chicago because they were all muscled out of their mind but they looked like a walnut loaf the skin the skin is jack tinta and i guess i support the steroid community but i guess i'm saying i guess i'm saying peripherally i understand there's wins and losses yeah yeah oh i got the muscles shit i'm covered in acne or whatever yes and then i know that there's like ball shrinking stuff mood swings yeah homicide patricide fratricide yeah but weight gain to wake in because it makes you gain weight so unless you're working out all the time your body's just putting on other weight the other you really have a hard time to understand weight gain do i understand weight gain i keep saying weight gain and you keep being like what does that mean do you don't think i understand weight gain with this giant belly i'm saying some people's bodies my body only needs a small suggestion to gain weight my body needs the very idea yeah i know this is a sacrifice you're not willing to make thank you and you know can i tell you unsponsored over there at snack factory pretzel crisps they're fucking it up are they they're taking their big shitty cock and whipping it out it's fierce girl 110 calories big shitty cock big shitty huge pickle big crunch oh my god so the sacrifices that i've been making i like the eating is off the charts in a good way yeah yeah yeah showgirls showgirls showgirls now is it what are we eating oh let me tell you so let me ask me what's going in the ninja smoothie ask me ask me girl what's going in okay spinach greek yogurt vanilla flavor oh greek yogurt strawberry flavor strawberry then we got um greek yogurt regular flavor just regular regular regular then we got um walnuts then we got chia seeds then we got um kale uh i said spinach already then we got juiced limes and lemons to cut the the kale and the tartness of the spinach that's smart yeah it's really good then we got um for that crunch um we got so we have the walnuts we have the um cashews are fine they're really expensive and where do you stand on packing peanuts oh those go up my ass so on the blender and then we got um uh heavy crippling heavy chia seed that's just for fiber and avocado oh you know i haven't tried that because i don't it makes it a little smoother and then i crack an egg so decadent yes tina i put four eggs in it this morning what else do some people put in oh ginger oh yeah but you're gonna chop that shit up minge not ginger root you put ginger minge in there the ginger is nice for the morning because it aids in digestion like sometimes i wake up with a um little tummy ache yeah or a club because of the drinking and all the on all the the marijuana foot slew foot does this look like a slewed foot actually these are the shoes that i that i sprained my ankle and do you remember i thought of a star wagon i was on the set of brother versus brother for hgtv and i was in a hurry and i walked to the trailer and the trailer had one of those you know when you open a trailer and this the stair comes out like i was in a hurry so i stepped before it was out rolled the ankle oh god rolled the ankle so i heard the lore back today baby we don't need to talk about back problems because we both have them right yeah right but you don't want to talk about 9-11 have you seen that clip mariah carey mariah carey 9-11 she just goes you don't talk about 9-11 the audience goes what glitter glitter i know but yeah i know but nobody you know something about people is that they're really kind of unwilling they're they're they say never forget but they don't include a hashtag so i just forget it right away hashtag logo tv mr wonderful had a 9-11 book on his coffee table and i said why do you have that he said so i'll never forget thank you so i had nothing to say back i was like shit well fuck my drag i'm ready to get married okay it's been four months to the hospital married to the mob right well it's not like they removed your left finger yes tina oh you got a lot of rings on kind of doing gay stuff Oh, so gay. Oh, God. I'm gay now. I'm some gay guy. Nails and rings. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're going to get some of those protruded nipples. Oh, yeah. You're going to get some of those big, long ones. Oh, my God. So Peter and I went to a gay party. Okay. Get this tea. Gag on this tea. Peter Williams from. Oh, Peter. Peter. So Peter and I go to this gay party. A lot of gay guys. He knows a lot of gay guys. Well, I knew all these gay guys, so I said, let me invite Peter. So Peter and I went to this gay pool party. He knew everyone. What? He knew everyone. No. But he met everybody up by the end of the pool party. He was the most popular one. Bet he did. It's a huge slipping hazard at this pool party. Slipping hazard. I had to put the towels down. I had to lay the towels down myself. Huge slipping hazard. Outside at the pool. But you can't be wet walking on tile and stuff. You're going to fuck your life up. So there were 55 gay guys. And I kid you fucking not. I'm talking 55 gay guys. Not a woman in sight. Not a woman. I was like, okay. I know when to punch it because I know what this is going to turn into. A gay male sex party. That's like when I invite Jennifer to stuff and she goes, is there going to be gay guys? They don't want me there. And I said, well, neither do I, Jennifer. I'm being polite. I'm being polite. I love Tom Hanks. So I went to this gay sex party. And no, sorry. I went to this gay pool party. And I was like, I need to press the eject button like Iceman in Top Gun. And when it turns into a sex party, because I'm not going to be found in flagrante delicto, remember? You know what's going to happen? All of the sex party clientele are going to be like fornicating. Like they're going to be doing like society. That movie all like stuck together. Yes. You're going to be over in the corner on your iPhone. What do they call it? Schlewing or chumming or something. You're going to be over there on the iPhone in the corner being like, oh, oh. Oh, show it to me, Rachel. Yeah. So I jump in the pool. Do you guys know that I'm on the AMCA list or whatever you're going to say to entice people? I don't know what you'd say. I jump in the pool. I almost immediately drown. And then I get out of the pool almost immediately to slip. And I'm not going to break another hip today. So I say, give me four towels. And I put them all. I make a walkway. Non-slip service. So everyone's there fucking and you're just laying towels. You're just laying towels down like you're building a fort. Yeah. There was this really old gay guy who was hanging his body, hanging out the window. He was doing this. He was like. He was doing this. Tritsy. Tritsan. Tricksan. He was doing this. You're me, right? You're me. You're Tom Hanks. I'm this guy. Some gay guy. Old gay guy. I'm talking 70 plus. He goes like this. What does he want? What does he want? I don't know. And I assume he wants sex. So I go inside and I pull down my pants and I shit right into his hands. And I say, do you like apples? And he's like, what? I was like, do you like apples? Have you ever seen the movie Good Will Hunting? And he's like, yeah, I like apples. I say, how about them apples? Them road apples I just put in your fist. And he squeezes my shit in his hand and the turd comes through his fingers. And he goes, I love Tom Hanks. And who's party was this? So my old neighbor, Scott, the beautiful house. Yeah. Oh, that guy. Yeah. That gay guy. Yes. That gay guy had the most incredibly catered. I mean, the food was exquisite. Thank God. Yeah. I'm so sick of parties in Los Angeles, particularly with gay men where the food sucks. Or there's no food. You should not have guests, you stupid bitch. Or there's no fucking food. Also, there was a hired cater waiter who was the most delightful and non-slip. He didn't slip once. Thank you. Trick San. Girl, when I went to that party on Carnival Day in Provincetown. Did I tell you about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to that lesbian party. Lesbian throuple. Went to their house party. Amazing food. I go, I'm so hungry. Well, by hungry, I mean hungover. I was like, I wonder, I'll eat a real hot dog if I have to. Bad vegetarian, right? But I was so hungry. And they go, don't worry. We have veggie burgers and hot dogs. What would you like? I said, one of each. So they made it. I ate it. And then before I left, the guy at the grill came up and gave me two more veggie burgers wrapped in tinfoil and set for the road. And I said, thank you. And I had a clear purse. But I went to see Beyonce. I bought one of those clear bags in the parking lot. Yes. So I call it my Beyonce merch. Yeah. It's just a clear bag from the parking lot. And so in the parking lot, it's just like, in the bag, it's like my lip balm, my phone, and two full-size burgers. It's fierce. Walking through town. That's a big girl. And guess what? Got drunk. Ate both. Thank you. Was she as high as 14? Ate both. She was a big girl. Ate both. No bra, no panties. No bra, no panties. But I'm just saying, going to a queer person's event where there's food, there was all types of delicious foods. There was mac and cheese. And I'm not talking craft. I'm talking giant church, like, cookout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thick, creamy, high dairy. High dairy. Creme. Creme de la creme. Creme. It was just delicious. Anyway, shout out to food. Shout out to food. Miss food. Big food. This is for big food. Whether you're from the bread basket, basket robins, or you're just at Ralph's, Rock and Roll Ralph's, or any Ralph's, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, or any kind of supermarket where they sell lots of food. We know what you're doing. We love what you do, and we hope that you keep on doing it. Now, I went to the grocery. I go about three to four times. I just have one more question. Oh, yeah. When did you figure out, when was it time to leave the party? When did you feel like it was turning into sex? Oh, so it didn't ever. Oh, okay. It was a plot twist. You know, it was men of an older- Well, you were there. Yeah. And they knew how to- You left, and they said, bye, and they said, the coast is clear, and everyone just got naked and started- It was hard. As soon as my rubber hit the road, I peeled out of the driveway, and they said, oh, P.U., thank God. And then their dicks got huge and erect, and they just started stroking it. Right. Now, they had, there was, I am what is known in the industry as walking boner protection. Right. So, if I walk by, if I'm in, like, six feet of a man, he's unable to receive or to achieve an erection. You know, it is what it is. So, I left the party with Peter. He gave me a ride home, and we saw this wonderful lady, a wonderful woman. What made her wonderful? Well, she was nude, and she was in the middle of the street with enormous breast implants, and she was completely naked. She was naked in Hollywood, of course, of course, of course. And, you know, she was doing her little dance, and, yeah, things got a little crazy south of the border. What do you think? When she squatted and defecated in the middle of the street. All right? I just want to say that out loud. Listen, who among us has not? I mean, you're talking to me, queen shit over here. I suntan in the nude. I bet on monkey wrestling in Rio. I, you know, haven't- You've been naked in the nude. I've been naked in the street. I sprint in the street. He recognizes games. I love Tom Hanks. Right. You know, so I, I, um, you know, I, I backed over my own mom with a Lincoln Continental. You know, waited eight minutes to call the hospital, the police. You know, it's like, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? It's like, is she hard of hearing? Is she hard of hearing? It's like, no, no, no, no, no. I can hear you. I just want to make sure you can hear me. You know what I can't take? I can't take being around another person choking on food in front of me. Ever since we went to those restaurants. Now, when I'm at restaurants, I'm like, yeah, like any small sound. I'm like, I can't see this again. I can't see it again. I think if you're going to choke at a restaurant, it is like the most selfish. Yeah. It is. It's so- Pulling focus. Yeah. Pulling focus. It's not really cooperative. Oh, yeah. Happy Valentine's Day. What about me? Yeah. You know, I'm going to die. Right. Somebody grabbed me. Oh, no. You know what it gives? This is what it gives. And you know what I like to do now instead of getting worried, I go, well, why don't you try chewing? Yeah. Kind of helpful. Yeah. Very helpful. Also, I do the, like, if somebody starts the little choking bit at the restaurant, I just like, like, oh, no, someone's choking. Also, I forgot my chastity belt. I hope when I get up to bend over and give them the Heimlich that nobody fucks me. My silver chastity belt. See, now, what if I choke at a restaurant and die, and this is the last thing I said on the pod? Love it. As long as I'm not wearing my chastity belt when I bend over to pick you up and nobody fucks me. Nobody slides it in my. Do you think the chastity belt hurts the penis? No. If you're not erect, does it feel like anything? It just feels like a metal cage. It feels amazing. But if you don't, so if you get an erection, it hurts. No, it just, it prevents you from getting an erection. Chastity. Not my erection. I break through the steel bars. Thank you. On a level you'd never seen. No, because I couldn't, yeah. I'm not ready to get fucked in the butt. Not for another 10 years. That's right. But why start now? I don't actually really want to start at all. Have you been having a lot of sex? Nope. Not at all. That's good. Not a lot of sex at all. I don't, I'm open to it. You know what I mean? I'm open to it. I constantly, I constantly probe. I constantly press. I constantly, you know, I put it out there always and forever. You finagle. I finagle. I finagle a bagel. It's Loxley and Bagel. It's Loxley and cream cheese. It's Robin Hood men in tights. It's Latrine. It's giving like Tracy Allman. It's giving Catherine Hepburn, Catherine Tate. But nobody's biting. Nobody's wanting to do it. Guess which movie I watched the other day for the first time? What? Big Business. Oh, with Bette Midler? It was fierce. And Lily Tomlin. So good. So good. I mean, I only knew the scene that everyone knows, the part in the bathroom where they're like, two Bette Midlers. So good. Didn't know it was these city people, these country people. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Crazy. Yeah. So good. Kind of a fun movie. Lily Tomlin's really funny. She's hysterical. And Bette Midler eats the girls up. Yeah, she does. She has a future. She does. See, I'm not really worried about her choking at a restaurant. No. No. What restaurant are you going to choke at? Spago. Yeah. It doesn't exist anymore. I mean, probably Benihana. Can I tell you what happened to me the other day? The way I switched my wig, make them feel like you're cheating on this Chipotle burrito at my house. Your mouth? I just hadn't eaten all day. It showed up. You throw a neck on that burrito? It was like. How are you doing it? Show. Both hands. Both? I unveil it one tinfoil at a time. Both hands. Yeah. Nagini. Eyes roll back. Nagini. Yes. Pennywise. Thank you. The Deadlights. Yep. And I'm crying. It's kind of chewing, but it's kind of more like a full body peristalsis. I'm sort of like, I love Chipotle. Chipotle isn't nice. I love their food. Hashtag food. I've been doing some of this stuff online. So, exactly. So, one thing you need to know about Trixanne is that she has a tendency to do stuff online. I've been doing stuff online. You know. Well, we're shooting. We read my birthday, what, a week ago? And then we're shooting my Halloween. How many times is she going to mention her birthday? 700 or 800? How many times are you going to mention Tom Hanks? Yeah, that's a good one. Okay, I wasn't born. Talk about your birthday. Talk about it. I've been going online to buy myself things to feel good. Great. That's fabulous. It feels great to do that. It feels good. Is it Timu or is it just different places? No, no, no. I've been buying different music equipment that I love. Oh, fabulous. And to me, in my mind, I think because I use it for music and for work, I can justify pretty much anything at this point. First of all, you don't need to justify anything. But I'm really allergic to paying full price for things. Because so much music equipment is in really good shape out there on the internet. You just got to go ask. And we do live in Los Angeles. Can't you go to the guitar center and buy like new stuff too? Yes. Or you can go on Craigslist like me. Oh, hell yeah. So recently I'm going to Craigslist and looking for products. So then I'd be going to the ATM, pick up cash, show up at some man's house. And it's very reminiscent of what I used to suck dick for strangers. But instead of any sex happening, I get something. So this little guy, this is called a pocket operator. This little, this company, Teenage Engineering. They sell these little beat boxes. And to save money, they don't put anything on it. It's just a board. Incredible. But this one I got on Craigslist. And this morning I got another one on Craigslist. So I got to show you. So this one is like a little, let's see. Make little beats, whatever. Can you turn the volume up? Yeah. Maybe you're feeling good. Maybe you're feeling something. I don't know. Show me more. It's just stuff like that. No, but what other sounds does it make? Oh, well, all different types. Change the tempo. Living my life. Living your life. Can we get a salsa merengue? Anything else? We could do hip hop. Yeah. But this morning, so one of them I got was, they retail at about $100. They retail at about $100. Which is a little overpriced. Push play. Lower right. It sounds like a calculator, because it kind of is, but it's fun. So what happened to me? Can I tell you what happened to me today? Hello. I'm here too. Thank you. Love it. So basically this morning, these are $100 online. And I was like, no, no, no, not on my watch. I went and I found a guy on the internet who was selling one for $80 with a case. And I said, love it, because I love a deal. Go over to West Hollywood. Got to stop at the ATM and get cash. Go up to the house. I don't know what he did do it before he gave it to me. It looked like he dipped it in a spittoon of chewing tobacco. It was like sticky and kind of rotted. So, and the case it came with is just a cardboard box. Love it. So, but it does work. Great. And then I was like, it's a sampler. And I was like, oh, I wonder if it's working. So I pushed the sample and he must've checked it today. So it was his older guy's voice. Like check, check. Hello. Hey. Fierce. Obviously putting that in a song. But, uh, but then, um, I get to my studio and I pull out rubbing alcohol and Q-tips and try to clean it up. And I felt like the, the, the guy in Toy Story 2 who restores Woody. I kind of watched that movie. I've never seen it. You know, that's, that's very sad. That one's very sad. Okay. No, I know those movies are cunt. They're very cunt. They're very cunt. Two will make you really cry. Really? Okay, great. Right? Yeah. I love that shit. Have you ever seen Toy Story 2? Two is, two is cuntier than the first one. I mean, why would I say I don't have children? It's fun. But two eats the, two eats the first one for breakfast. Two is the best one, right? Now let me ask you something though. This is a serious question. I mean, it's not funny. So if you're not having children and you're watching this, like, is that a thing that happens? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Cause the Pixar movies are good, right? They're good. And I think people want to skate them. Yeah, they are. They're beautiful. Cause they're made for like, they're good quality for adults. And then also for the children. Yeah. I think they do levels. It's like, there's jokes that only adults might get. Yeah. Yeah. Without being porny. Yeah. If you were going to watch an animated film, I don't think you watch a lot of animated films. What would you watch? Well, I just, I recently watched Perfect Blue, which was incredible. What is that about? Well, it's about, it's extremely, it's anime and it's extremely intense. It's about adult topics. Have you ever seen Kiki's Delivery Service? No. That is a wonderful film by those people. Ghibli Studios? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Okay. So Kiki's Delivery Service. Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. Kirsten Dunst. Oh. Plays Kiki, a young witch who flies, who leaves home to go find her place in the world. She flies on a broom. Love it. Kiki Dunst is amazing. Have you seen season two of Fargo? I can't suggest it enough. Kiki Dunst, Jesse Plemons, Jean Smart, Patrick Wilson, Ted Danson, Tom Hanks. Just kidding. I haven't because I've been watching more of the shows that I like. Toddlers and Tiaras. And Thousand Pound Sisters. It's been so crazy. Amy. We got our eye fixed. And so now it's like, now it's honestly after like seven seasons, I'm like, holy shit, they really are sisters. I'm serious. Because it was just such a dominating feature on her face now that her eyes are set the same way. I'm like, they're sisters. But they look so different, one person's eyes like that. Not being funny. She gets it fixed before her wedding. Oh. Yeah. That's, I wonder. Hmm. With the sisters. Do they die? Did they die? Do they die in the show? In the show? No, they're alive still. They're alive? Okay. I mean, I haven't seen this week's episode, but I think they're, I feel like I would have heard. When you asked me about the Toddlers and Tiaras, my instinct is to be like, that's not exploitation, but with the Thousand Pound Sisters, something, something is a little. Well, where do you feel like the line is with reality, all reality television and exploitation? I mean. No, no, not with the competition shows. Competition shows are a little different because they're working towards a goal. I don't know what the Thousand Pound Sisters are. In some ways, though, I think the only reason competition shows work is because people are willing to overextend themselves to make their dream come true. Sure. I mean, I think. I'm not being a hater. No, no, no, no. I'm not either. I mean, I hate these shows. Think about how Drag Race is good because of what we bring. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying clothes, the amount of money that gets spent by drag queens on Drag Race is their own money. Yeah. Exploitative. Yeah. I think all reality shows are exploitative. If you're a cook and you really want to own a restaurant someday, you'll be willing to, you'll be willing to go on Top Chef and truly blood, sweat, and tears that shit. So I think, I'm not even saying it's a bad thing. I'm saying I think part of what makes these competition shows good is these are people's dreams. Sure. And so they're willing to go above and beyond. Yeah. That's true. You know? That is true. That's true. Would you ever do like a, like a dating program? I would love to, but nobody would fuck me. Even when I've been. It's not a fucking program. Oh. Oh, like a Let's Marry Katya thing? Of course. Of course. Oh, God. I know. I would be, I would be, I would be Hawk and Lugia's. I'd be eating boogers. I'd be, I'd be filling people up with my rings. I'd give you massages like Let's Marry Harry, leaving marks, red marks, sunburns, track burns, fruit, red rashes, fruit burns, wagon wheels, the whole thing. I watched Burlesque again. You watched Burlesque again? And I was like. I still haven't seen it. We talked about this. So, so Pheromone's favorite thing is watching people watch Burlesque. I think I'm having her on the channel to come watch me watch Burlesque. My favorite thing is, is, is, is watching myself watch Pheromone. Watch someone else watch Burlesque. I'm like, because it's, it's so, it's. What do you like about it? I love everything. So it's Showgirls PG. It's a PG version of Showgirls. It's all about, it's the, it's the classic template of, of, um, out of town, like big, uh, you know, hometown, uh, small town girl. You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie. Small town girl with big city dreams goes to the big city. Type shit. Um, type shit. She, she put, she says, she types shit into the, into the shit machine and she goes, I love Tom Hanks. And she goes and she does her thing. And, um, she meets an adversary on the way. She accomplishes a goal. She has an obstacle, blah, blah, blah. Homerian Odyssey. And she, uh, finds herself through the help of, um, teamwork, leadership, best friendship, um, innovatorship, um, you know, hardship, any ship, Lama, Fernando Lama, Dalai Lama. And, uh, it's great. And Cher is so beautiful. It's just crazy. Christina is so talented. It's just crazy. Alan Cumming is so funny. Everybody's just put, everybody's popping their pussy. Peter Gallagher. Oh, everybody's great. Eric Dane. Ah. Ah. Ah. Eric Dane. Ah. Yeah. Ah. Cam Giganday. Ah. And, uh, lovely lighting. Stanley Tucci. Stanley Tucci. The only person who can play gay still and no one cares. Thank you. Stanley Tucci. He's not gay. Uh, no. But when people are like, should gays play gays? No one cares about Stanley Tucci. He gets the special gay pass. Yeah, he does. And he should. I bet even when he's eating a woman's pussy, he's probably like, are you sure? Right? He's sure about what? The woman's like, are you sure? Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I've seen you in all those gay movies. Like, hello. Yeah. Oh, God. I haven't been whacking it that much. What's not enough? Or what's a normal amount? Once a day. That's a lot. Really? You think so? I mean, it all depends. But usually it's- It's all corrupt, girl. It's all corrupt. It's all corrupt, girl. It's all corrupt. It's all corrupt. Are you still watching pornography? No. No. I'm in a very no-porn era of my life. Me too. Me too. I'm happy for them. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Go with God. I found myself- The last time I watched a porno or a clip of a porno or whatever, I had noticed that I'd become very overstimulated. Right. So I had to just like wipe the slate. clean and work back from zero and my um i had just found that counting sheep really works not for porn but for sleeping i can't believe it you know what gets me bricked at this age what good night one of my birthday gifts i'm not supposed to mention my birthday but i did have one um i got a blender yeah yeah it's great you love it i haven't used it yet but i have the normal smeg blender the big one this is the kind like the neutral bullet where it's like a cup thing yeah yeah yeah turn it over yeah i think i'm gonna use it to make salad dressing that's great what kind of salad dressing you make maybe like a light buttermilk ranch well i don't like ranch but lately i've been using buttermilk to make my own dressing i just i don't want to brag but it's like a little bit of lemon salt pepper a little bit of apple cider vinegar a little bit of honey a little bit of honey dijon just kind of everything you know a little ginger minge oh ginger a little pearl little pearl 9-11 9-11 little caitlin gender a little little gender guess what's coming down the pike black diarrhea no yeah how's it happening did you get the money no no no no no it's just the ep is getting released oh i guess i've been hearing about though you're like i'm still waiting for big diarrhea no no preparation h came through preparation h no no no so preparation h nibbled on a shard okay so i'm i'm putting out i'm putting this out to the wilderness wait a minute because she okay listen trixan trixan trixan trixan trixan with me blasting out a hemorrhoid every two weeks if you get a preparation h placement i'm gonna lose my mind so all right this is is this camera even on nick okay thank you jesus christ i wanted to say the light turns red if you're bald all right i'm going to say what i mean this my my my dry nasty this good old nasty goose egg you got this new you got this jewelry all these nails honey that's elizabeth taylor yes white diamonds white shards okay so these white shards are coming in hot listen guys i've got incredible opportunities for you and trixan and me we're not we're we're doubling down on our our our black diarrhea spit take and we're going full geish preparation h okay we want it we want to um personally select you preparation h as the pageant sponsor and co-founder of this new venture called black diarrhea beauty pageant of the world today now and if you can act now and if you throw her some money throw me some money what we will do is we will we will stir the pot and they will not only preparation preparation h will turn into preparation g preparation i preparation ghb preparation and then we're reaching out to our community yes and then we're doing gh g mbh uh which is uh llc in german okay so preparation g preparation h all the all the all the llamas fernando llama dolly llama everybody's getting in on the gig for this black diarrhea super splat sale so preparation h if you don't act now i mean you could you could put it on a blow job a blowout blow job so oh so you texting nick saying can you find me someone to fuck p.s can you get preparation h on the line for my diarrhea video yes tina tina honk honk honk honk tina wait wait you're gonna buy a new house of preparation h and all i have to show for it is more hemorrhoids is hemorrhoids blown out pussy holes blown out shark tank short uh torque uh torquenados torquenados so uh and then but we have a much more imminent by the time this airs trixanne trixanne by the time this airs you're gonna love this tatiana same parts remix featuring oh yes let's do it yes can we hear a preview yes are you kidding me i was born for this this faggoty hand ow bless it bless it please touch it oh kiss it uh that's like a removable one that's a removable one trust and belief to see now you're doing new ones and fake new ones well they do mary you don't have they do temporary of course because that tattoo parlor yes it's all it's all like any kind of ink you want you don't think people walking around with real neck tattoos do you you're lying you're fakers they're all fakers fakers fakers goodness sakers you're lying no no no no no so got mick i swear to god the right hand of god got mick hung out with this person who had a neck tattoo okay and she was like how does got mick get to get tattoos if you're not allowed to drink thank you no no no no this person was wearing a neck tattoo and she was wearing a neck tattoo or had a neck tattoo i swear to god got mick you can call got mick got mick was saying this this guy some gay guy whatever some gay guy showed up with this incredible neck tattoo and and the next day he didn't have it the next day he did not have it tootsie the neck tattoo was gone it was like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa then third time the tattoo was back so i was like what is you what are you even talking about got me got me got me we had pizza the other day i forgot to tell you it was a great great pizza i love got me love got me love got me he went me on he uh went me on a tour of uh all the places he had visited and had sex in all the parts of his body that violets branded yes totally got meek oh girl molly you in danger girl got so yeah yeah um you're like how's it how's work going she says no no no that's literally her so this guy you guys don't know him yeah yeah the neck tattoo was gone gone girl now if you're gonna hook up with the trade if the trade is trying to hook up with you do they have to divulge that after the shower the tattoo is gonna be gone you don't have to divulge anything other than your hot penis ball and testy oh so it's not a crime but you're allowed to notice we're allowed to be like that was weird maybe i i noticed things certain things that happen don't happen i start to notice and sniff around like a truffle pig right i don't have the do you think you're gonna get more lips no lips no you have a good size lip right now yeah it looks really real thank you yeah no more usually for gay guys when it starts to look real that's when the second round's coming no no no usually well you know because it hurts so much are you kidding me it was so painful when they scraped that giant cannula along the edge the pacific rim of that oh they scraped that cannula on the pacific rim of your upper lip scrape it through and press the jelly interesting jelly tricks and when they scrape that mustard seed oil through the beard of your upper lip and and they offered nary a numbing cream nary a dish towel nary a ibuprofen nary a nothing they say would you want this dorothy's boutique needle dot biz up into your upper chin miss orlando miss orlando oh my god she's doing she's doing pumping parties in your upper mustache area upper bluff you know we'll say on drag race we haven't had as many tricks and hotel pumped bodies as we really should yeah yeah one would think that they're yeah one would one would presume that there's a more a bigger ratio of pumped bodies pumped yeah because the girls who do have it it's like their brand but in my experience pre-drag race so many girls had it well fix the flat yeah yeah motor oil yeah castrol sintec in their hips yeah lincoln hydrogel beanie babies beanie babies uh they got stuffed animal parts and they're lincoln hydrogel on the way back from thailand food from thailand thai food six pound forty battered veg girl do you remember this is my youtube video my youtube video do you remember when i did that video where i went in the barbie jeep to the gay club to do djing i was there yeah yeah so you but i got there when you only saw me after the jeep had broken down oh right i forgot when it broke down i was in thai town thailand brandon goes where are you i go i think it's in thai i don't know broke down palace i don't know broke down palace claire danes and kate beckinsdale okay well that's why people kept calling me claire danes so the best part of all that is they're clear the lanes clear the lane all this hollywood boulevard my jeeps broke down people keep driving by and yelling trixie i love you no one stops nobody stops but she bends over not her silver chassis belts in the middle of the road i took off i took over my shirt and took both my boobs out and cars just kept going hollywood boulevard needs to bring back the shock but you know what though i was in provincetown there was so many straight people there my friend was like you guys need to get weird again showgirls like all these straight people in your spaces because the rest because you're like you have your your collie and your your chinos yeah and you're also you're bringing your you're bringing to your child to brunch get that baby away from me i didn't order it's not dry it's dry funky lunch baby i didn't go to best buy to order baby that's what i'm saying to you thank you also what tell me why i've been eating babies in my dreams if you go to best buy and you don't even want to eat a dead baby where does this country come to um is there any way that i keep having sex with people i'm not attracted to even more even women and in the dream i love it and i wake up and i go like that's your biological clock ticking like that that's like you're getting like i'm gonna that marissa tome is is coming down the pike uh-huh in the dream i'm fucking a girl and i look at her and i go like this is cunty and but why is it so period though why is it giving why is it tea i put my dick and i go but then i wake up and i go like in the dream i really wanted that but but as soon as i wake up i go no no no no no no no orlando you don't like that so oh wait wait wait so fun fact so this is a this is a you're gonna love this preparation h you're gonna love this shit so this is a message approval or don't have to approve this message but i you know i don't expect you to co-sign this at all at all but orlando if you are working out at the gym with me next time i want you to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that orlando orlando orlando i would love to go on a date with you how's that sound that was really dignified i thought you were gonna say something crazy no no no no i'm not gonna blow up his spot i'm not gonna no i thought you were gonna do your usual i thought you would let me eat this corn out of your ass no no no that it goes without saying you know what i mean oh this is preparation is the sponsor no no no no no no this is just me otome brown otome brown i this is my my thing because you know i work with a lot of brands because i'm big yeah and huge normally if a brand like preparation h is about Butthole safety, health, a song that glorifies diarrhea. They want to plug it up. I don't know if it's a good match. Okay. Do you think I should get in bed with Big Fiber? No, I think you should get in bed with like Big Miralax. Big Fiber. Big laxative. Because I'm a constipation person. What about my side of the fence? Why is diarrhea? Can I tell you, diarrhea gets all the air time. Thank you. Be constipated. Yeah. Do you know how bad a type of time is in my life where I wish I had diarrhea? Oh, shit. Really? My God. I never get constipated. I mean, I get constipated. I always get, it's always black lava, black guano, black gel, bones sticking out. So, Orlando, if you are out there, and I know you are there, somewhere out there, I've indicated I'm receptive to an offer. I've cleared the month of October, and I am completely sorry about it. Oh, no. And I've got loads of herba left over from October. What's been going on with your boner? Wait, really? Well. Well, what's the thing when people are experiencing genuine sobriety, they probably have some libido changes. So, my erections are, you could hang from a cliff. Baby, you could hang from a cliff with one arm. Slippery. Slippery. Finally in a movie when someone falls. Needle in the neck? No problem. Grab my boner. Orlando, Orlando, grab my boner. Orlando, grab, if you fall off a cliff. I can't even have a glass of wine and keep, like, my dream erection. The rigidity. So, if you're doing actual sobriety. Yeah. The rigidity, the tumescence, the girth. I mean, not that girthy. Hello. Hello, Orlando. Are you there? Six inches? Maybe six millimeters. It's a Lego. Yeah. You hold it like this. Right. You know, it's a carabiner. But now when you get a boner, there's no, thank you, Mr. Soup Man, I'm tucking it in. No. Now you're walking down the street. It slaps against the abdomen. Right. It's like a. Sounds like in cartoons when they play the bones. Exactly. Xylophone, xylophone. It's. It's really rigid and tumescent. And it's actually could get sprained and broken. Right. Because it's like a triad. It's like an iPod. A very small one, of course. Orlando, you like that? No. Orlando. Orlando. Orlando. Orlando. Orlando. Do we have an Orlando here? He's here. So just so you know. No. He's here. I made him laugh in the gym. So I feel like that's our meet cute. I hate that expression, but let's go with it. We met in the gym. I made him laugh. There was another guy in the gym. I was with my trainer, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And he was just, I just love Orlando. I like Orlando. And I want to take him on a date. So if you hear this, you know what to do. Is he gay? Super handsome. He's so, he's from Cuba. He's Cuban. He's Cuban and Puerto Rican, I think. And he's very, very handsome. Very, very fit. Very, very alluring. And very, like, he seems really nice. I think it'd be a bold move to work at a gym in LA and not be at least halfway fit. No, he's a client. Oh, he's a client. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a customer. A fellow gym goer. You know, a gym person. Fellow gym person. All you have to do is. Unhinge my jaw? No. You just have to bump into him at, try to go at a similar time, I guess. I've been trying. Orlando, don't listen to this. You're a morning person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, he works out in the morning like you do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he's getting there before you or after you? I don't know, because I end up staying there three hours. But I'm also saying, you tell me you're there before they open or whatever you said. I got there early, 5 a.m. Baby. It's all on my road. I mean, I'm literally like, Opus, open your doors for Orlando. The other problem is, you're changing clothes in the women's room. Wait, look. Huge. Huge if true. Huge if true. So how are you going to run into Orlando? Thank you. I've told the staff. I've alerted the staff. I was like, I told this one girl, Alex, she's so fucking funny. You would die. She's a girly girl, right? She's a pygmy girl. Pygmy girl. And she's like, I was like. She's a pygmy girl? Okay. Pygmy girl. She's a pygmy. Okay, go ahead. She's so funny. I asked her what her favorite, what her go-to jock jam was, if she could only listen to one song for the rest of her life to get that good pump. She said that 10-minute Taylor Swift song, and I almost flew the chat permanently. I was like, she's like, oh, yeah. I cry. She's like, I cry. I swear to God. She's like, I don't really like to work out. I love to cry. Oh, my God. It was so weird. You would love her. You would die. You would love this whore. She is so funny. Oh, my God. And she's not trying to be funny. She's not trying to be funny. That's what I need in my life. She's not doing her. Shut up. She's not doing her tight five at the gym. She's just like, I just want to cry. Taylor Swift. That's the Taylor Swift people, though. Yeah. No, yeah. They love it. It is like, oh, firstborn, Taylor Swift. Someone died, Taylor Swift. She's got all the bases covered. It's like people who like hot sauce. They put on everything. Or like Lana Del Rey. Yes. Yes. People put hot sauce on everything. People want to put Taylor Swift on everything. You want to do it the blackest day, the bluest banister, the yellowest road, the reddest dress, red dress, ride, ride, anything. Lana Del Rey. She's got it all. Got it all. The whole kit and caboodle. So, Orlando, if you're out there, I hope you're getting laid. I hope you're having fun. I hope you're sweating and smiling and living your own life. But if you ever want, I don't know. To go have a coffee with some gristled old bald faggot who's 44 years young, who just released a song called Diarrhea, and also who's got the same parts remix with Tatiana. Let's hear it. I don't have my phone. So, I guess we'll just have to wait. Okay, we'll wait. I have one thing to say, please. I have a, what do you call it at church when you go around at the end and you say good or bad things? Peace be with you. No good or bad things that have happened. Trauma? I don't know. Generational trauma? I like to make people say good things. Generational trauma? My sister. Okay. My sister. Oh, yeah. She went to beauty school. Did she get the job? Yes. Oh, congratulations. And she went to beauty school, but then she didn't get her certification. When I went to beauty school, they told us so many people drop out, don't get certified, and there was something like 80% of you are not even going to cut hair. Crazy. Damn. Including me. I dropped out for Drag Race. Well, yeah, level up. But my sister, she was like, I really wish I would have gotten my certification. I said, me too. I said, you know, she's waitressing, but she's like, I like the money, but I'm getting kind of sick of it. And so then I go, here's what you should do, because you can go to beauty school, which costs about $20. Or you can, $20 for a year. Beauty schools are fierce. And if you drop out, you'll get nothing back. Damn. It's fierce. So then you could also go to a salon and do an apprenticeship program where you at least get paid minimum wage to do the in-salon education. And you do all the same licensing depending on your state. Destiny did all that crap. It's crazy. Yeah. So my sister, I say, you should go to a salon. Tell them you have your full education, your Sting Gear license, and then see what kind of in-salon program they have. And then she calls me and she goes, not only did I find a salon, I found, they hired me immediately as the receptionist. They're going to give me a temporary. They're going to give me a temporary license because she's gone to education so that she can take clients and get all the schooling at work. What's your name? Samantha. Samantha, you better work, bitch. You better work that pussy, bitch. You better fry that pussy. You better beat that hair. You better wash that fucking hair, Samantha, you bitch. You better roll that hair. Hot roll. Cold roll. Baby, you better confirm that hair. You better make the appointment, bitch. Samantha, you better get that paper. You better burn that paper. You better feed your baby. You better house that baby. You better pick your brother-in-law. You better eat it, Samantha. Samantha, you better eat it. Samantha, I hope you're listening. You better fucking, Samantha Ferguson, you better eat that shit. Eat that turd, bitch, Samantha. Eat that turd, bitch. Samantha, you are wild for that. Samantha, you are wild. I did ask her if I could ask, tell in the pot if I could celebrate, and she said yes. Yes. And then I said, I'm going to come get my haircut, and then I went, oh, never mind. So I'm going to, but once she has, once she's in the salon, I will tell everybody where they can go with their haircut. And don't you listen to this. Don't listen to Trixanne, Samantha. You better listen to me. You better work. Cover girl. Work it, girl. Work it, hunty. At. The. Job. Fair. Yes, Tina. Yes. Yes, Tina. Samantha. Yes. you