A Tiger Almost Ate Bert's Daughter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Alright guys, we have a huge announcement, you know that every year for the last several years we have been doing a 5K and it's been a great thing where it brings people together from all fitness levels, from all types of backgrounds to just become a community and whether you walk, run, jog, crawl, the 5K has been growing and we are here to announce the next one, it is going to take place in Nashville, Tennessee on April 10th. And we are taking it to the next level, we are bringing out all the country stars, all the football players, all the, we are going to be the biggest thing in Nashville since the thing that put it on the map. There you go, it will be the biggest 5K yet by a country mile, so make sure you get tickets at two bears 5k.com, that's the number two, the word bears, the number five, the letter K. com, it's going to go down April 10th in Nashville, Tennessee, get tickets and I promise you you're going to be blown away by just look like the welcoming, the friendliness, if you have not done this yet, you are missing out those who have you know how fun it is to get together, this will be our biggest one yet. And I'm telling you right now, we will lean into every country music star that we know that we have a connection with and we will have them playing on stage acoustically and we're going to have a blast. It's going to be nuts, make sure you get tickets, we love you, see you there. 100% Hey guys, brand new episode of two bears one cave, I'm in New York, Tom's in Austin, this is going to happen from time to time because Tom's got his preposterous tour starting in January. And I am on my permission to party world tour currently, I'll be in Texas in a couple weeks, Tom, so we'll be doing one together in a couple weeks. Willie, yeah, I'm I go I go from here to London, I'm in New York right now. I go to London to go see the Jaguars game. I then go to Vegas to work out with Mark Wahlberg. And then I go and then I go, I know I'm so fucking excited. We talked about it on two bears with Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe and I were like, we wanted to work out and spend 24 hours a day with him. And so we're going into his house. Go to 4 a.m. wake up or whatever he does. Tom, when we started 3 a.m. for prayer, you're going to start at 3 a.m. with him one hour of prayer. I'm assuming you're going to work out like his private gym at his house. I'm sleeping in his daughter's bedroom. What? Yeah, Rob and I are sleeping in his daughter's bedroom. It's just like camp. And then, and then I mean, listen, we said it. We did it. Rob Lowe and I did a podcast about it. And we talked about it. We're like, I want to experience it all. Like I want to get up and have coffee with him and I want to do the whole thing. And so we're going to go to bed at 7 o'clock at his house. And then wake up at 3. We're going to get prayed up with him. And then we're going to work out how are you going to fall asleep at 7. I'm assuming you're going to take something. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're not passing it. You're not like, oh, bedtime. I think I'm going to lay in his daughter's bed with my fingers crossed just count sheep. Good night. I will be the first person to take drugs in his house, I think. Yeah, like, hey, Mark, do you have any fucking Ambien? I have to, I mean, I don't, he doesn't drink. So, so I, I'm like, that adds up. Yeah, he's not a drinker. He has a vodka and he'll have, or he has a tequila. He'll have a drink, but he's not a drinker. He's, I watched a bunch of his 4 a.m. club videos. He's, he's pretty, he's a pretty serious guy. Like, he's disciplined. He's disciplined. He's, he's like, if Joe had never gotten into comedy. Yeah, that makes sense. You know, like, there's a part of Joe that's silly. And I think there's, I know for a fact, the first time I met him, he was funny and he was cool. He came up and he was like, hey, it's my favorite action star. And I was like, yeah, and then he was kind of bust my balls. He's like, can you believe action stars look like this now? He's like, he used to be really fit. Yeah. And so, and so, I told him, well, Robin, I said we want him to wake us up like Dirk Diggler. I get the big dick. Let's go. Yeah. Come on. I'm fucking. I'm ready to fuck Jack. I'm so excited, Tom. I'm so excited. So they, well, you'll do the prayer. You'll work out and then just like go with him for the day. I, I think I mean, I think there's a lot of calls. I'll, I bet it's a very busy day. I think we're probably in and out. I think we'll go in, do the workout. I think we wanted to play golf. I think maybe just rob and I'll go play golf. Yeah. Or I'll just go back to sleep. I'll be fucking tired, bro. Yeah. You're gonna be tired. That's fun. It's hard. It's hard because I don't like, I can be a lot and I don't want to be a lot in his space. Maybe you'll visit the crystal shops or something. I love crystals. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. So congratulations on wrapping on your movie. Thanks, man. I'm very, very, it was really fun. Honestly, it was such a fun time. The cast was so fucking great, dude. Heather Graham, Stamos, Ralph Machio, Santino, Tim Simons, Synquale Walls. It was fucking so cool. We had a great time. It was really hard work. I mean, it was a lot to do in that amount of time, but I'm, I'm very excited for it. It was really fun. I'm, I'm also excited for my beard to grow back. Did, did you ever go to you right now? I can barely see you. No, it's still the chin strap. I just saw it. Yeah. Wow. I know. Wow. And they must have died up. And the first thing I did was sit in the in the hair chair and I was like, take it off, dude. Why? Why? Do you know Mark Norman got hair transplant? I did not know that. I'm running this. I'm at, I do not know. I do not know. No, I should. It's really birthday. Let me tell you some one secret. Text him. Text him right now and be like, do people know this? Cause I just studied on a podcast. I'm at his studio where him and Sam do, we might be drunk. Yeah. And so they'll, they're, they're going to let me know. They're listening. They're going to be like, no one knows about that. So if we edit it out, if we don't, but sure. I love the, I when I remember hearing Gillis one time say to someone, they were like, I'm thinking about getting trans hair transplants and Gillis goes, or you could just be funny. Dude, if I push dates, yeah, can I just open for you on the preposterous world tour? What do you mean? You're on tour. I know, but I'll just push them. You'll push your dates. I'm dude, my hour right now is so perfect. I figured it out. Like I figured you know when you know when you like have a bunch of stuff and then it all falls into a thing. So now I'm just going to put it in a pin in it and work on new stuff and hope I can get another good bit. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I've got had the best two shows of my life in Philadelphia. Wow. Of your life. I mean legit. You know, it's like, you know what it is. Tell me, we know when you have like, you have a ton of material, like an hour 15 and you know what kind of all has some themes and it all goes together. But you can't figure out. Yes. Like it just seems real staccato. Yeah. And then Philly. I. It all came together. It dude. The first 30 minutes was perfect. And I went, oh my God. Like it's like the greatest feeling in the world. It's a reason I do stand up. The reason I understand it isn't. It's more of the math of figuring out the way that it's the best feeling. It's the best feeling in the world. And then I was like, well, that was a one off. I looked at the set list. I went and did Saturday night in Philly. And then I did it again. And I went, shut the fuck up. And now I'm in the place where I'm playing with it. Are you doing this week? No, no, I'm here for the Food Mind Festival, Rachel Ray and I are hosting Burger Bash. Okay. And then I'm not doing stand up again until I'm in Texas. I'm in Texas. Next week. You feel dialed in now. I feel dialed in. So what I want to do is finish up from this tour. Put a pin in this hour. And I want to figure out a new story. Like one, I want one story. Like I want a story that I don't, I still have like a year until I shoot this special. Yeah. That's great. I can't. I'm so fucking pumped. That's awesome. I feel, I wish I, I dream about the feeling that you're talking about because I'm not there for sure on this yet. Where are you at? Like I can do an hour, but it feels like it's a, it's more like 40 because it's still in the building stage, you know? Like you're still like, oh, I'm still months away from having it be. And then I feel like usually what happens is when a tour starts, you're like, yeah, I'm doing the show. But I think it takes six, nine months before you get the feeling of like, oh, it now it's something. It took me a lot longer. Well, sometimes it takes longer. Yeah, it took me so long for this hour. Yeah, this hour just, it just felt, it felt so clunky for so long and weird. Yeah. And I started in arenas. And that's, and I was like this, I called Nick. And I was like, I can't, I can't just be working out an hour in arenas. I think it's very good to make that change for working it out. Yeah. It's so funny, though, like I did do, I did Cleveland. I did the arena in Cleveland. And I'm a whore because I love arenas. There's so much fun. Yeah, there's so much. I mean, I literally was like, I got to come to terms with exactly who I am. Like, I need to, I'm pretty, you know, I'm pretty deep in therapy. I'm off for a month. But like, I got to fucking come terms with exactly who I am. What do you mean by that? Like, my wants and needs, like, what do I want in life? Like, when I get done this special, do I want to like tour again? Do I? I want to do another hour. This hour was so difficult. And I think it was 'cause I don't have anything going on in my life. Like I don't have this fucking kids and events, like a bunch of like characters, living their own independent lives, and then we're all coming together at the end of the day, and then I've got all this material to work with. I think this hour came together hard because I was like, I'm writing from like the one time the girls were in town, and then the time I went on vacation with my parents, and then I'm only getting like pockets of life right now. - Yeah. - And so, I mean, I'm jealous 'cause you got the boys on fucking. I'm like, maybe I'll just like take your boys on a vacation and write some material about it. - They're with me right now, which is so fun, and they're off school. So I'm gonna run home after this, and just go out with them. Just go, they're so fun right now. - Is it crazy for them to be living in an apartment outside San Antonio? - Yeah, yeah. They're like, it's so weird to go from a house to your little one bedroom apartment, yeah. That was that, you're like, that is a microwave. - Yeah, where's your mate? - That's where dinner is made in the microwave. - Dude, did you see, I just saw this on the list, and I was like, "Burt was in People Magazine last week about their couples therapy?" - Uh-huh. - What the fuck? - Were you? - I didn't know that. - I didn't know that either. I mean, I know I didn't, I know I did an interview with People Magazine, but I know I talk about couples therapy. - Can't tell you this when I fucking hate about what's happened with this medium. - "Burt reveals the marriage lesson he and wife are working on in therapy." - That's the fucking headline? - It's the exclusive, that's the exclusive, what the fuck? - That's quite a shirt you got on there, buddy. - Jesus Christ, I don't even show the leather pants. - Wow. - I, I, not your best photo, but yeah. - No, it's not. - She looks great. - Yeah, she always looks good. - You look different. - Scroll down. - "Burt Christ says being a dad came naturally because his wife Lee and Menge's the household." Couple began therapy after their daughters left for college, leaving them to adjust to life as empty nesters. - Oh my God, I'm sorry. I talked about goodwill listening. - Goodwill listening to strengthen their marriage. You don't know what you talked about? - No, I just do an interview and I talk and I fucking hate it. I hate that I do that because then I, you know, it's like, I maybe when I say it, I think I say it, differently, and then it gets pulled and you're like, "God damn it." Oh, the girls are not gonna like this. - Is it bikini shirts? Jesus. - They're not gonna like this. They're not gonna like being in People magazine. Oh, they're gonna be fucking, yeah. What the fuck did I say? - Oh, wow. All right, well, it's so funny that you don't know that you didn't interview about this. - I don't know what I do. I do interviews and then, I haven't gotten any trouble for it, so I'm just talking about, that's fine. - Yeah, yeah. - I didn't say their cities, did I? - I had a private head. - Who knows, dude. I, I don't know what I say in an interview. I don't know what I say ever. And so like, you know, I'm always like, I just talk. And then, you made a good point, an interesting point earlier though. What are some wants and needs? - I don't know. - That's what you're trying to figure out. - Yeah, 'cause I'm like, you know what, I keep telling you like, the things I get drawn to on Instagram are like, simpler lives. It just seems so enjoyable to not have the stress of like a crazy life. - I'm like, I gotta be honest with you, it would be nice to like, post something and then be able to read the comments, like a regular person. And then be like, oh, I haven't talked to that person forever. And then like, oh, that's so cool. Oh, thanks, I do look good in that picture. - Oh, cool. Oh, thanks, you're on it as I'm big too. You know, like, but instead I, I have this thing where I post a picture and then I'm terrified to read the comments, I can't, I can't Google. I can't, like, when Dolly Parton died, I wanted to find a picture of me and Dolly Parton. So I was talking to the girls and I was like, yeah, I met her and then like, you didn't meet her. Everyone in your story is bullshit. And then I was like, I was like, no, I met Dolly Parton and then like, there's no way. - Such a terrible take from the girls. - Dude, you have no idea. - No matter what your story is, bullshit. - I'm like big fish. And so I went, I went, not even thinking I went to Google, Bert, Chrysher, Dolly Parton and I hit images. And I mean, I can't look for myself at all. I can't, there's so many people that dislike me. In the image search of that, dude, yeah, I saw a disgusting picture of me. And it was like, Bert, Chrysher got bought Dolly Parton's tits. What did you see when you searched that? - I don't know, I, Tom, I did this. I did this like almost like a ghost. I went, ah, come on, what the fuck am I doing? God damn it. And then I was like, never mind. I don't know Dolly Parton, I never met her. The girls were like, the girls like, I knew it. And I was like, yeah, that's it. I just, and so I think I look at like, I think I look at, like when I look at Shane dealing with, and maybe he doesn't deal with it at all. I know him pretty well. I know he's a pretty regular person. I know that negativity is negativity and to get negativity, there's very few people. And maybe Tony Hisscliffe is the only person I, and Joe Rogan and the only people I know, that they go, fuck 'em, fuck 'em, fuck 'em. And I think Shane's like, oh, you know, a little bit. And so, I mean, you're kind of dead inside like those guys. Like you just, you just go like, fuck 'em, fuck 'em. Yeah, I don't care, actually. Yeah, I really don't need to get there. That's what I'm working on in therapy. It's a really not care. It's a really not care and just be like, aw, my goal is to make you laugh. Like, I can't imagine, I can't imagine. I can't imagine. Like, I've known, I've never had anyone say anything negative to me in person. I can't imagine if you're someone that people decide to give a piece of mind to. Like, you know, like just celebrities where people let you know what they think. Woody Allen, or Louis, I've seen people do it to Louis. Yeah, I can't imagine, like for me, it's just I'm annoying and I don't listen. That's why people hate me. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there's more reasons, but yeah, that's what I'm working on in therapy. And I think sometimes I connect that to a simpler life. It's like, when you have big wants and big needs, of course, that's what you get. You shouldn't want more than everyone. Right. You should want less, you know? And so I don't know, I don't know if you should want, or you know, it's like, it's more like what do you want? As opposed to like what you should want. Like, you have your own wants and needs, right? Like, you have them. I don't think you have to want or need something that the outside dictates to you. It's really about what's inside of you. Let's talk about working out and fucking hate myself. Anyway, Black Friday is the ultimate shopping marathon for millions of us. But for retailers, shipping all those orders on time is a whole different level of chaotic. Shipstation is built to handle that heavy lifting so businesses can breeze through their busiest season. Shipstation is an end-to-end order fulfillment platform, built to handle the order, surge of peak season, and bring all of your orders into one place. So your team isn't scrambling on volume spikes. Now, Shipstation offers smarter LTL freight shipping, modernize your freight workflow with carrier comparison and end-to-end shipment visibility. I'm telling you right now. The second this season starts for us in a couple weeks for our business and our merch sales, it gets crazy. 'Cause everyone's trying to get it before Christmas. Everyone's trying to get it right after Thanksgiving with Cyber Mondays a big deal for us. 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Yeah, it's no rest. There's no rest. So you just go back and forth. Yeah. And then three. Okay. And you got three. You did 10 reps on the bench and you couldn't do a push. Is that what you're saying? Or you got pinned? You said at when I got to I did nine and at nine, I was like cooked. The ninth push-up was tough. Yeah. Oh, on the push-ups. I got to, so I did one bench one, two bench, two push-ups. I got to nine bench, nine push-ups. And on the ninth push-up, I was gassed because I was going to be tough. Then I got under the bench. I did six reps and you were done. And then I got pinned on seven. So I wrapped it. So that's where I'm at. So you got to see if you can beat that. That's going to be tough. Yeah, but I know that everyone's going to be like, your push-ups suck. Yeah, that's how push-ups work. I do black-eye push-ups. Is that what they're called? Yeah, they're black-eye push-ups. How are they black-eye push-ups? Google black-eye is doing push-ups. Type in a diamond gem. Diamond gem push-ups. Look at this. Have you ever heard of diamond gem? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. That's the place where like this super, yeah, yeah, hard place. Yeah. Do diamond push push-up. There you go. Okay, here we go. Diamond. Okay. These are black-eye push-ups. This isn't them. There's too many whites. What are we doing, guys? Yeah. It's got to be black. That's I think yet. A diamond gem push-up. There you go. Okay. Let's see how this goes. Excited. Okay, okay. Yeah. Turn that down a little bit. Please. Shut up, Abdel. Rules for diamond gem. No sitting. How much rules out? Yeah. He's a big fuck that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No water. No city. 20 push-up. What's the push-up count today? I don't know. Yeah. Feel a frisky. No, no. Yeah. I might have a matter of fact, you've got 20 push-ups for not even knowing the rules. Okay. Watch the way. No, no. He's a white, so he may do them different. Yeah, but usually they're like, they're like, they kind of, yeah. Okay, this is nothing to do with what we're looking for. Yeah. That's okay. We're looking for diamond gem. Let's see the black guy push-ups. Push-ups. This is an interesting search. I never thought I'd be here. Here we go. Oh, the Superman challenge is going to be where you got to go out. That's that's perspective. Look at that. Look at that. You see that? Yeah. I do push-ups like a black guy. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's more of a push-up. It's better for your body. No, it's better for less stress on your shoulders, more on your triceps. Why don't we go to the Marine Corps push-ups? Look at this. Black guy push-ups. They're called black guy push-ups. I've never heard anybody say that, but okay. Let's see how the Marines do it. Marine Corps. Monde. Two. Marine Corps push-ups. Let's see. The Marine Corps push-ups. Semper-five. Yeah. Full extension. Lower the chest to the depth on the second and fourth counts. That's my push-up. No. All right, start his push-ups by line. Flat on the stomach. Pushing into the opposition. Yeah, the full range of Marine Corps. You get with your palms on the deck. Oh, wow. Yeah. So yeah, I do black guy push-ups. So people are going to have problems with my black guy push-ups, but whatever. Did you record it? Did you film it? Of course I did. You're going to post it at some point. I'm editing it right now and then you got to record it. Okay. And then we're going to see how far you get. But don't take like five minutes in between sets. I think there's no rest. There's no rest. I mean, you can take like a breath, but like you're going straight to push-ups. Straight to bench. Straight to push-ups. Straight to bench. Okay. Have you drank this month? I haven't drank at all. Dude. No. Just kidding. I got hammered. Oh, you did? Yeah, I haven't gotten drunk. I haven't gotten drunk. I haven't gotten drunk in nine months. What got you drunk? Uh, I had porosos. I was drinking porosos and then we took your shot of whiskey. I'm going to take your shot of whiskey. I just take you over. And we were in the bus and we were listening to music and we were fucking and I didn't realize I was drunk till the next morning when I watched one of the videos and I'm slurring. I never asked you this because we were all, you know, obviously taken by your bus fire. Yeah. And that was, wasn't that your build, like a custom build? Yeah. So did your replacement bus get up? Is it a build or you just bought something on the market? I just got something. It's really, I'm writing it. It's the best bus I've ever had. This bus is incredible. Um, it's, uh, it's pre-vosed, but it's an H3. So it's a bigger bus. Yeah. And it's got a slide out in the back bedroom, but it's the same configuration where it's bedroom, then bathroom and the bedroom is a slide out with a queen size bed. So it's so much more room and, uh, what's it called? How many bunks do you have for other people? For, four bunks, four bunks. Okay. Yeah. I love this bus. I, and it's, it kind of rides heavier. So it's a little smoother, although fucking driving in New York sock last night. Yeah. But I love it. I would buy it. But I don't, you know, like I said, I don't know what I'm going to, like, I, that was one of the things that really upset me with me and Leanne is like, I was talking about, uh, buying a new bus. So I was like, I'm going to buy a new bus. I got really excited. And I got money back from my bus. Yeah. So I'm like, let's go. I'm going to buy a gangstress bus. Yeah. And she was like, how much longer are you going to be doing this? I was like, what? She was going to be doing this when you're 60. I was like, maybe, and living in a bus. I was like, I don't know. She's like, you don't do this at 55. I was like, I thought I was. She's like, okay, I'm just, I'm just saying. I don't know if we want to buy bus for you to know, not use it. And you're going to retire. I go, retire. What the fuck are you talking about? What do you see yourself, like, or what does she see you transitioning to if you're not? I don't know. You know, I think the girls asked Leanne about when I was going to retire. I think the girls want me to retire. I think no one wants me to be on the road. I think everyone wants to move back to LA and me to just live in LA and do nothing, like a fucking nothing person. There's no way that you're going to do nothing. I can't be, I can't be, you know, here's a deal. I mean, it's like, I got to tell you, man, Tim Dylan is the funniest fucking guy alive. He is the funniest fucking guy alive he is. And him on a podcast is genius. It is abs. Did you see the one he posted today about, about a, what's her name? Teen, not Tina Fey, the other one, the blonde lady, Amy Polar. Did you see the one he, can you pull up Tim Dylan's fucking Instagram? This is why he, he's gold. I mean, this was so much respect, but like, I am never going to be as good of a podcaster or a broadcaster as Tim Dylan. I do not have, this is so funny. This is Tim Dylan. All of her have the Cornell 7 on. And ask them if they like sparkling or still water. Hi, Cornell 7. Thank you so much. You guys are a little young. I don't know if you're familiar with my work. You're like sparkling or still. I like to get a bed really early, sometimes stuck in really early. What do you guys, you guys don't, you guys are up pretty late. According to those texts, what are you doing? You're bad little boys. This is a thought. This is, she looks like Tom Segura. Go to Cornell and straighten it out. People going to say this is tasteless, but what if we dress like Sherlock? This is why I can't read, get it out of here. This is why I can't read comments, Tom. How did you just get lit up in Tim? No, I just got distracted by that. I'm like, wait, what? And you can't reply to it because then they go, gotcha. I gotcha, man. I gotcha on the hook. But Tim Dylan is a brilliant broadcaster. No matter what year he lives, he would be a brilliant broadcaster. And I will never, like if I had Tim's ability to sit in front of a camera and just broadcast, then I can absolutely say, yeah, I don't need to do the road. I'm going to just do this. And listen, I've also fucked up because I also, if I say something super funny, I pull it out of the podcast to use it on stage because I want, like I hold things back. I don't take bits on the podcast because the stage is where I started. But like, I'll never, if I could do what Tim does or what the theodas, or Joe, I would absolutely retire and fucking just do that. You have a radio show, it's fucking great, but I'm not as good as those guys. So I do stand-up, that's where I'm better at, and of all my skill set, stand-up is the one I'm good at. So I just do stand-up. So when Leanne's like, well, don't you want to just stay home, I go, no. And just do spots at the store? Like, no, I want a fucking tour, the being in front of a brand new, like, people go, what you can do as, because this happens as, like, in your age bracket when people get older in stand-up, is they just dial down the amount of touring they need. But then you're not that good. No, you can still stay good by doing spots and not have to tour as extensively. It's, it's about stage time, you don't have to do it on the road to be good at it. But half of men see hair loss by the age of 50, but no one warns you it starts way earlier. I remember I was losing my hair at 22. Standing over with me was my best friend that I grew up with, and he literally touched my head and he goes, bro, you're losing your hair on top. If your hair line's been creeping back, or you can feel a little hole, hymns can help. Access to prescription treatment that stops hair loss and re-grows hair with a licensed provider guiding the way. Hair loss doesn't have to be permanent. 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Start learning a new language today with Babel. Right now listeners can save up to 60% off at babel.com/bears. That's Babel, b-a-b-b-e-l.com/bears for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply. Have you done that gig in Arizona yet? No, I'm about to. When's that? Saturday. And you're doing you and Bill? Uh-huh. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel's on it too. Rachel, if I've seen. Yeah, she's opening the show. And then Santino and Chipella the next night? The next night, yeah. I'd love to see what Bill's talking about. Have you seen his press run? No. I haven't seen anything. I mean, I'm sure it's good. He's always great. He's doing a press run for something. Oh, it's the David Fincher. That David Fincher. He's in like a big movie with like something, like a legit director or something. Oh, he's in the social reckoning. Oh, cool. Who's directed that? The guy who did the first one, right? Aaron's working. No, he probably maybe wrote it, right? Oh, the director is Aaron's working? Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, he wrote it too. And what's fascinating about what Bill's talking about is he's talking about a legit. I mean, I really find this interesting. He's talking about, you know, I'm hesitant to talk on behalf of Bill at all. But like in what I've seen on these interviews, like the New York Times one. Go back to that so I can see the drop down. Keep going. In what he's talking about in these interviews is basically kind of being a little more chill and getting older and I don't know what he's talking about, like, not being the angry guy, you know? And so it's really fucking fascinating. I'm dying to watch him do stand up and you're going to be with him. Yeah. I'm dying to hear I bet his stand up still fucking brilliant, but like, yeah, of course, I'm sure it's great. Well, I hope that it's Charlie because that first one was a huge hit, wasn't it? Social. What was it? The social, the social network. Social network. Yeah, it was fucking awesome. But I mean, it did really well. That's what I'm like, right? I'm assuming it did, let's see, that was, that was 2010. No. Oh, it grossed 224. That was massive, bro. That's huge. Maybe that's what people went to movie theaters. That's true. Interesting. What was the box office of, of, of, of digger? Oh my God. Oh my God. It did eight domestic putting on track for a $245 million loss. People say it's fucking incredible. It is. It is. And then it's not making money. Is it just not the thing people want to go see in a movie theater? You know, there's a lot of people that don't like the message. Then there's people that, um, that feel insulted by it because the movie kind of makes it, it's not like a movie that goes, do you feel good now? Which like a lot of people like it's like you're, you're the, it's, it, everybody is to blame in this movie. Like, the movie blames you as the audience for being, I know nothing about this movie. I know nothing about this movie. Holy shit. So it opened with eight in North America and 20 worldwide and it's opening weekend. But for a movie that was between one 16 180 to produce, that's obviously not a lot. Um, I guess it says audiences were expecting a high octane Tom Cruise action vehicle instead of this eccentric message, heavy satire about an oil tycoon facing an environmental disaster. Um, it's very, it's, look, it is a feat of filmmaking. Like one of, there's multiple layers to this movie. One of them is like, when you watch it, I think you can't help it. You've seen it? Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah. Okay. You can't help but go like, just pulling this thing off the storytelling aspect of it. You're like, this is, of course, in your retus, the, the guy to do it. Then you just see, like, I read something about the amount of artists and propped people on, like on set, yeah, we're over like 160, his, his crew was 680 people. The crew was like, cause you, and you see it on screen though, you see it in the production design. The cinematography is, is outstanding. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Did you see it by yourself? Yeah, I saw it in Atlanta. Yeah, I just went to see it. Yeah. Really? Yeah, I just went one night. I had a little free time. I was like, I'm going to go see this movie. I want to see what, what it is. I think that there's some really, you know, I'm not saying it's beyond criticism. I do think there were scenes where you go like, just fucking end the scene, man. Like, it just went on. But that's also, I think if you've seen, in your retus stuff before, that's consistent with like, you know, he's in your face and he takes as long as he wants. So that's not, that's not, I think, why people are against it. There's also just conspiracies about how it was marketed and it's pretty, it's pretty interesting. But I think it's, if you like movies, this is definitely one of those movies that I think is worth seeing. And I do think it's going to have a long life after this as a movie that gets more and more celebrated as time passes. Really? Yeah, I think you should go see it. So then here's my question. As a person who makes movies, or I guess both of us do, but when you make a movie and you want us to be in theaters and I've said this and I'm sure you'll hear me eat my words when I have a movie that's going out in theaters and I'm like, guys, how much fun are the movie theaters? But like, what is the thing you need to put into a movie theater for it to be successful? Does it need, do you need your $250 million to be action scenes for people to go? That's where I go. And do you need your comedies to be like, come in the hair and like, do you need to feel for comedy? Do you need to feel like you go, I can't believe I'm seeing this with other people. Well, the, I mean, that's a big thing. I think we're talking about multiple things. I think with comedies, one of the things that is clear is that when people go talk to me about a great comedy. We all reference movies that are 20 and 30 years old or older, like we don't mention things from like the last couple of decades. No one is like, oh, all these comedies that I have loved from the last couple of decades. And I think the reason for that is that those older comedies you were invested in story. People have abandoned story in comedies and it's about these set pieces and the big like gag, and they don't care about, they're not emotionally invested in the story anymore. But all the great comedies of the 80s and the 90s and early 2000s, you were very invested in story. So that's kind of just like an interesting thing. They also had comedies used to be driven by a singular view of a director. That's like the big thing, I think is when you start getting so many people's input into a comedy, it kind of just dilutes it and it fizzles down. I think when you wanna get people into theaters, people need to, I don't think this will ever change, they have to connect with characters and with a story. They have to connect with that. Even when you get into like other genres of film, usually there's something about the story that a wide audience resonates with a wider audience. And I think comedies have absolutely dropped that in a big way in the last decade plus. So what do you need to get it? I mean, obviously if we knew the exact formula, we would just always do it. But I think comedies have failed for a reason. - Do you think they've made them, like now that I mean, even when I think if I try to connect what we were talking about with Gillis and how much attention he's gotten from SNL when other comics have hosted SNL and no one talked about anything. Like no one talks about their monologue. People, everyone's talking about his monologue. Is it, and it's because he called them horrors? And then-- - It's easy to jump. It's just a fun-- - No, but do you give people, do you knowingly throw a fucking lit cigarette into the woods and go, "I hope it catches fire?" And I hope it makes people angry. And then I hope, like is that what is, this is gonna sound like I did an interview for, with Jess Hilarious, for the Netflix is a, "Rost of Kevin Hart." - Yeah. - And she goes, "What can you, what can we expect?" And I said, and I thought it was pretty wise, and no one ever picked it up and I kind of just sat with it. But I said, "It's a belly flop contest." She goes, "What do you mean?" She said, "It's a belly flop. No one can fuck up." You can fuck up by going too safe. But if you don't try to go for the belly flop and try, and it's gonna hurt, and it's say the most aggressive thing, the most insane, racist, bizarre, fucked up, misogynist, anti-sign. You say the most fucked up thing you win. And because comedy, I mean, I don't mean to like sound, like I'm a whole new thing now, but comedy is turned into a belly flop contest, where it's like, "Yo, in order to get views, you gotta say something that pisses people off." And then like, "I tell you what, that's what I fucking love John Mulaney." Because his thing, that he did for the Golden Globes, for the Oscars, whatever it was, the Academy thing, where he just talked about, like, leading men, was so funny, but everyone thought it was funny. But that's what comedy is, and is that what, when I mean, it's kind of what me and you do, is where belly floppers, is that what you need to do to make a movie, is belly flop it, and be like, fuck it, we're all saying the end word, we're taking our dicks out. And then everyone's like, "God damn it, have you seen this? This is what comedy's about." - I think some comedies are like, do subscribe to that idea, and I don't think it actually is what gets people to go. I mean, that might get people like tweeting and stuff about it, but I think what actually gets people to go is they want genuine laughs, like they want it to be funny, you know, which obviously that part is kind of subjective, but I don't think people will go in droves to see chaos. I think they'll go if people are like, this is fucking good, this is good, the story is good, these characters I connect with. I still think you need that if you want success at the box office, 'cause that's what people are gonna do. - I don't know, but hang on, success at the box office changed so much, and now it's like, how do you get people to leave their house? They wanna see a public execution. - By the way, I just watched a guy eating by a tiger the other day, and I was like, yeah, that's fucking incredible. - He was eaten by the tiger? - Oh yeah. - What? - He didn't see it? - No. - I'll just say that I might as well watch the execution because-- - Wait, you thought fully eat a guy. - No, if I could get that video I would, but he gets in the cage and the tiger starts attacking him, and then he goes like, this is the tiger. No, no, and the tiger stops a little bit, and you're like, wow, he must work with tigers, and then it kills him. - It kills him? - It kills him. - Oh shit. - Yeah, that's online. - Fucking A. I'm sure that'll make its way to me. - I'm almost certain that guy would have been outraged by Shane's. - Yeah. - What you're doing is so offensive. - Anyone who gets an engage with the Danimal. - I mean, that's only the mentally ill that go like, I'm not trying to tiger kill him. - We are gonna get the worst reviews by USA Today. - That's fine. - On our shows. - It's really interesting as hunters, by the way. - You see it? There we go. Here we go, man killed and tiger attacked. - Okay. - She's gonna watch him, watch it, watch it, watch him. He's like, no, what the fuck are you doing? God damn it. Hey, watch him, watch him. - No, God damn it, they cut it. Here you go, there you go, there you go. Watch him. He's like, what the, he's those, no, no, no. And for a second, the tiger listens, and he's like, there we go. Damn, he's pulling at him. Sometimes they do that with babies, you know. Like you'll see a tiger with like a baby gazelle, and it'll just play with it for a while. You're like, aw, he's playing with a baby. It'll still kill it and eat it though, but it just does that for a little while. - No, no. - You know probably why it stopped right then, 'cause it's facing the tiger. Tigers are interesting like that. In that if you face them, you kind of, it's not that you'll survive, but you have a beat, but the moment you turn your head, the moment you turn your head, they go for the kill. Even the guys that work with them day in and day out, it's different than lions. See, lions if you work with them day in and day out, they'll actually be like, oh, I know this guy. - Yeah. - But the tigers, even if you're there for 10 years feeding that tiger, the moment you turn your head, it's like, oh, food, and it just goes to kill you. Immediately. - Yeah, pretty cool. - We worked with one in Northern California. They had a white tiger, two white tigers at a theme park. - Yeah. - And Ila wanted to picture with the tiger. And so the tiger is sitting on the, there's big, there's all water and a cage, but the tiger's sitting on the thing. Ila's a baby and she like turns to get a picture with the tiger in the second she turned her back to it. It went like this. - Yeah. - And leapt maybe 30 feet in the air and tried to, and if that cage wasn't there, it would have pounced on Ila. - Who would have lost that child forever? - Yeah, so that's why they, you know that they make masks on the back of their head. - Yeah, in India. - In India when they go jogging. - Yeah. - But they say that we don't have any rural villages, they'll go for, because some of them like walk home from work, it's just to give the tiger the illusion that eyes are on them. - Yeah. - It's crazy. - Yeah, I've never, I've worked with a tiger once, that one time, but tigers are fucking terrifying. Tigers are really terrible. You know what they, can you believe a Liger is a real thing? - I know, and they're so big. - They're fucking massive. - There's animals, okay. Top five animals that you can't believe really exist. - Well, Liger, a fucking Norwhal. Norwhals are real. - Yeah, for sure. - Can you believe that? - Yeah, I believe it, yeah. - Norwhals really exist. - Yeah, it's pretty cool. - I think that's fucking insane. - For the first time I saw Liger, this was, I mean, it feels like it must be like 20 years ago or something, and I'm like, oh, that's gotta be Photoshop. - Oh yeah, yeah, that's not a real thing. - It's like, oh no. - And they're so goddamn massive. You have, of course, you're not supposed to do that. (laughing) - Is that just from inner breeding? - It's not like they're not naturally in wild. - I can't imagine that that happens naturally. I can't imagine that. There's like, right there, just look at that. Second row, and that is like, yeah, those are. - Look at that guy with the Liger. Look at the guy with the Liger. - Oh my God. Yeah, that's gotta be artificially done. Like, that doesn't have a nature. - God. - I would love to see a tiger and a gorilla have a baby. - Yeah, a tiger, a gorilla. - A tiger? - Yeah, can you, how can far can we get an inner breeding? - How far? - Yeah, like, what's the two? - See, this is what you should do in retirement. - Yeah. - That's cool. That's what you should put your energy into. - Yeah. - Like, if we could, if we could miniature up a couple animals, like many, many giraffes like in your hand. - Oh, ladies. - I want, what I want is, I want to hip. like I want a 20 pound hip-ho, how fucking great would that be? - That'd be cool, because they killed more people than anybody. So it'd be cool if you could see that. - Ooh, I tell you what, I wouldn't mind a hundred pound hip-ho and legit, it fucked people up. - Well, it would kill 'em. - Yeah, a 140 pound hip-ho would be-- - Wait, keep gaining the weight. - I know exactly what that means. - So I go, I don't want to fucking a hundred pounds when I can get 140 out of it, a fucking 140 pound hip-ho would be incredible. - I think that's too big, the bike force is too much. - Okay, what do you think is the fun, like the perfect size for a, like a pull-up baby hip-ho. - You don't want a baby hip-ho. - I want a baby hip-ho. - Oh, come on, that's what you want around the house. - Holy shit. How can I, how can I, are Kelly these things? So I just get 'em at that age and then get rid of them. How do I Leonardo Caprio these? Where I just get them at their young days? - What's the size of a baby hip-ho at birth? Baby hip-ho size at birth. - 55 to a hundred and 21 pounds. - Oh, there's a pygmy hippopotamus. - Oh my god, 10 to 14 pounds. Can I keep one at my house? Can you have a pygmy hippo? - I bet they just-- - Oh my god. - Do they need to grow into much? - Look at a pygmy hippo. - Hold on, hold on. - No, it gets pretty big, bro. - How big? - I don't know, I just saw a grudge. - I gotta live on about an acre. - I think it might need more than an acre. - Click on Wikipedia to see how big big it is. - So just one day you'll just go out there to feed it and just eat you, just bite you in half. Native to Liberia. Sierra Leone is reclusive, nocturnal. - Okay, I only want to play with it when I'm drunk. - Yeah, it still has a pretty fierce looking bite, man. - Yeah. - Fuck, this is a good idea. You should get like a mini polar bear too, that'd be cool. - To the 160 pounds? - This is exactly what I want. - Jake, can you say, can I have one at, can you see if you can buy one and keep it? - Oh, on the black market, you can get whatever the fuck you want. - Is, private benefit is generally illegal. - Oh, okay. - Don't depend on specific state and laws. Okay, maybe you have to have a zoo. - Can you start like a bird zoo? - I could. I think my Damon did it. - He did? - Yeah, in like a movie or something. - Oh. - But we should have a zoo. - Okay. All right, look, I gotta, I gotta go pee. I love you. Have a great time. - I love you too. I love you. - Stay out of controversy. - I'm not, I'm not doing anything. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be, keep my nose clean. - Okay. - I'm not doing any, I'm not doing anyone's podcast for like a year. - Good. - That sounds great. - I'm doing ours and that's it. I was just asked to do one while I was here and I was like, yeah, I don't think I'm doing podcasts anymore. - That's good. Smart. All right, be safe and I'll, I'll talk to you soon, bro. - Tell the boys I said hi and then I'll be there in a week. - Okay. - Okay. - All right. - And we're getting fucking loose. - Okay, sounds good, man. - All right, love you buddy, too. - I love you. ♪ Time and bird ♪ ♪ One goes top and swap the other wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and birds the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ Two bears one cave ♪ (upbeat music)