A Sexual Joke

(upbeat music) Hey, I'm Tara Sarabhan and you're listening to World's Dumbest Criminals. If you're keen to hear about the most ridiculous bizarre and downright stupid criminals and crime stories in the world ever, you come to the right place. In today's episode, you'll be hearing about an Aussie pizza shop owner and exhibitionist who got done for selling drugs after the police notice that nobody ever left his shop with pizza, a drunk British guy who condescendingly picked a fight with a Polish dude on a train because he was drinking a beer and more. Alrighty, let's get cracking. In August 2021, the owner of a pizza shop in Sunshine Melbourne got arrested for drug trafficking after police notice that no customers were leaving his store with pizza boxes. They'd go into the shop and come out a couple of minutes later empty handed. Obviously, this raised suspicions and the premises was put under surveillance. Instead of the do-e cheesy, galicky good stuff, the owner of Dom's pizza was peddling Crystal meth. Unfortunately for Dom and his clientele, he didn't think to give pizza boxes to the people who bought the drugs. I mean, come on, that's a bit of an oversight. How hard is it to give people pizza boxes? It would have been even smarter to give them a plain pizza in the box too, so they didn't carry it like it was empty and swing it around. That's a fast to say, it's not a sophisticated business operation we're talking about here. When the cops raided the pizza joint, they found Dom in possession of five grams of Crystal meth and $1900 in cash hidden down his pants. I mean, hey, at least he was wearing some. They searched the building and found 55 grams of marijuana, a taser and a bowie knife. While this was happening, a customer happened to stroll into the joint. When the cops asked why they were there, they said they'd come into buy some meth. Why tell the cops that? Why not say that you were there to buy pizza? What's wrong with these people? I mean, that's a stupid question 'cause obviously it's the Crystal meth, but still. The police looked into the customer's mobile and found that they'd recently sent a text to a friend that said, "Gonna ask him to meet me in the kitchen and have it done up already." But that message is not incriminating at all. They could have just been talking about pizza. When the cops examined Dom's mobile, they discovered a bunch of incriminating messages organising the sale of drugs. I wonder if some of his customers tried to be clever and messaged him, "I'd like $200 worth of pizza." And he responded, "Mate, we don't actually sell pizza. We sell Crystal meth and weed. Do you want some of that?" According to the herald son, later in court, Dom pleaded guilty to trafficking meth and Fedamine and cannabis, dealing with the proceeds of crime, possession of prohibited weapons and committing an inditable offense while on bail. You see, in 2008, he'd also been busted for slinging drugs and was sentenced to two and a half years in jail. Despite this, his defense lawyer, Ahmet Yackel, said that he'd been running the shop as a legitimate business for 31 years. Yackel hilariously told the court, "It's his passion. It's what he does. He lives and breathes pizza." (laughs) "I don't think that's scientifically possible, let alone true." His defense went on to blame COVID for the demise of his passionate, pizza-less pizza business. However, seeing your constable, Sean Armstrong told the court that the shop was obviously a front business as it was not able to operate at a scale that you'd expect from a pizza shop. He said, "A review of the state of the messy kitchen led police to contact the Sunshine Council, which issued a notice to cease operations. It's been open as a pizza shop, but through our observations, no one was leaving there with a pizza box." But doesn't Dom live and breathe pizza? Doesn't he live, laugh, love, pizza? Isn't he entirely unable to inhale at all unless he's eyeballs deep in pizza? Well, the evidence says otherwise. Dom avoided jail time and was instead sentenced to a 12-month community corrections order. The dealing drugs was not the only illegal activity Dom had been engaging in inside his pizza shop. He was also arrested on August 6, 2018, after four women reported to the police that he'd furiously masturbated at them while they were walking past his store. Each of the women had been minding their own business when they'd noticed the 53-year-old fiercely banging one out while learing at them through the shop's front window. This cannot have been good for business. In fact, it may well be the worst viral marketing strategy I've ever heard of. I bet even the people who went there to buy crystal meth were like, "Mmm, maybe today is a good day to quit taking drugs." But it seems his arrest did not dampen his enthusiasm for strangling the sausage at women walking by one eye-ota. In October, yet another woman went to the cops to report that he was out of again. She said she was passing by the pizza joint at about 6.30 a.m. when she saw him frantically jerking his gerk and at her about a meter from the store's entrance. 6.30 a.m. seems either way too early or way too late for this kind of behavior. She told the police, "It felt like he was looking for an audience." Well, he should have set up a stage and sold tickets. Then, in January the next year, one of the women who'd previously been privy to his energetic monkey spanking told the police she'd accidentally entered up receiving an encore performance while walking past his shop again. In court, Dom pleaded guilty to the charges. He was sentenced to another 12-month corrections order and will have to complete 90 hours of community work. Prosecutors told the court that his victims were shocked and disgusted by his impromptu penis puppet shows. His defense lawyer said that he was often working seven days a week at the time and was sleeping in the pizza shop after separating from his wife. She stated that he was suffering from a drug addiction as well, but had recently kicked the habit reconciled with his wife and was back living in the family home. Although his lawyer considered his pants down offending to be a drug-fueled behaviour, she admitted that Dom didn't see any issues with it and just thought of it as a joke. She told the court, he concedes that rather than being a predatory menace, what he was doing was a sexual joke. I'm sorry it was. Yeah ladies, it was just a joke. You need to get a sense of humour. He'd be a lot prettier if you smiled when I jokingly jerked off at you. Like what's your problem? Can't you take a joke? You need to lighten up and take that stick out of your ass. Ah, Dom. The only sexual joke here is you. Have you ever gone out, got drunk and thought to yourself? Gee, I'd love to pick a fight with a Polish guy on the train on the way home. I'm gonna do my entire country a favour by patronisingly mansplaining to him that it's illegal to drink on public transport. The Polish guy in question was just sitting there minding his own business drinking from a bottle of beer when a self-righteous wanker and a suit sitting next to him decided to have a go. Sure, it's illegal to drink on the train, but he wasn't bothering anyone. Unlike Captain Rulin Forcer, who was pissing off everybody in ears shot. The men's names are unknown, so I'm going to refer to the Polish guy as Christoph and the self-aggrandizing guy as Patrick Bateman. If you get it, you get it. According to Metro UK, the two were on a packed late-night train from Liverpool Street Station to Romford in London when this shit went down. A commuter sitting nearby saw Patrick be a total dick to a couple on the train for accidentally grazing his knee when they went past him. They clocked his hideously patronising attitude and figured it was only a matter of time before he tried to confront someone else. So they started filming him on their phone and wouldn't you know it? As split second later, he set his sights on Christoph. It's like Patrick just really wanted to be punched in the face Because Christoph was clearly not the one who was. to try for with. He looked like he'd been through some rough times in his life and he didn't have very many fucks left to give. Thankfully the altercation did not turn physical, but if it had, you can tell Christof could have ended Patrick with both his hands tied behind his back. And Patrick knew it, which is why he declined Christof's offer to take the matter outside, even though he was clearly getting off on the conflict. Sweet thought, Patrick. I'm going to pull Rank on this guy, like I've been personally appointed by the King of England to mansplain the rules of the country to anyone from another place unfortunate enough to cross my path. Gee, I'm a genius. I would make a wonderful politician, if only Mummy and Papa would financially support my campaign to rid the country of all foreigners. Seriously, some of the things he says to Christof are so wrong that it inspires a petite young woman to stand up to him and tell him that his behaviour brings shame on their country. Let's have a listen. You already prayed and you listened to the rules. You applied by the rules. What you got? Yeah, it's supposed up. We can get out now both and you can speak to me not up front of this deep book. Is you want to get out? Is it you want to get out? If not then shut your mouth. It's litchy, you can't do that here. I respect the think on his face man now. Shut up. This is there. I'm not going to say that. I'll explain so you can understand. You see those rules up there. What you know is this alcohol. Go through the train and tell all to everyone every human being don't drink alcohol. Go. No, just go. Just go. No, I'm not the only one. You idiot. You are yourself drunk. You idiot. Yes, I'm not drinking. And I'm drinking. If you don't, if you care, call the police and they will speak to me. You will have no right. Not litchy, born in Christy. You litchy. Clases, you are a f*** racist. You know that? Born in Christy. No. Yes, I'm coming to piss you off. A pie, pie, these rules. No, it's not right. Of course I'm right. No. A pie, pie, literally English and not you think I'm not sitting on your head. What I will do right now. A pie, pie, in the stores or get out. Every yet you would do you out and you want to be sorry. A police boy from Russia wouldn't f*** you. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they will. But. Either a pie, pie, or a law or a sport get out. It's simple, that. People that create love like you who are supposed to be in the toilet. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just want to say. Oh, it's three minutes right there. But you have no right to talk to somebody like that and to use their nationalism against them. And I think. I'm trying to explain to the laws of this country. The reason I see his race against him is disgusting. And because of your behaviour, I don't know how to sit down. But essentially he should be drinking this while she was saying. This is a very strange thing to be trained or something. So I'm going to say that. I'll be as kind of a man. I'll say that. Thank you. And she also said you should be drinking this. I think we're going to have a. We still get f***ing. What an epic douchebag! Even when he gets owned, he still has to dig in about being right. Christoph, thanks to the woman, leans back, keeps drinking his beer and looks out the window, ignoring Patrick while he continues to mutter to himself. The passenger who filmed the incident told Metro.co.uk. I'm glad there are people like this lady who aren't afraid to stand up to bullies. No one else on the train voice their opinion. Only she did and she was half their size. And what was the point of this confrontation anyway? Christoph kept on drinking and all Patrick achieved was getting everyone any shot to think he was a xenophobic tosser. The Wyandotte Police Department in Michigan published a post on their Facebook page on January 13th this year. It highlighted issues between members of the police force, accusations of theft and an accused officer who was so damn gorgeous, almost nobody believed he was guilty. And even the few who thought he was did not want him held accountable for his alleged indiscretions. The post read, stealing is not only a crime but it is morally wrong too. Some jobs like that of being a police officer require you to take an oath prior to starting. Within the officer's sworn oath is the promise to protect person's property. That being said, it saddens me to report that a current officer of the Wyandotte Police Department is under investigation for stealing. The incident happened two days ago at the station. Officer Barwig was eating lunch in the break room when he was called to assist with a person in the jail. He quickly jumped into service, leaving his half-eaten lunch on the table. A short while later, Barwig and another officer returned to the break room, only to find officer ICE leisurely strolling out of the room, licking his chops. Barwig's entire lunch was gone, disappeared, vanished. Officer ICE has invoked his fifth amendment right to remain silent and quite frankly is not cooperating with the investigation. He has a history of rummaging through trash cans that are within his reach and there have been several other accusations of him taking food right from co-workers' hands as they walk by. Wyandotte Police Department will consider our Facebook followers' opinions on how to proceed with this investigation. Now, I suppose I should probably point out that ICE is a K-9 officer, a German Shepherd to be precise. He has honourably served eleven years in the police force and has assisted with multiple investigations, including finding over a kilo of heroin in a wall and locating many suspects in hiding. Comments on the department's Facebook page were overwhelmingly pro-ice, with the hashtags "Ice is innocent" and "I stand with ICE" trending for days afterwards. Many people offered to make petitions and stage protests outside the department's office until they were assured that all charges against ICE would be dropped. While others accused Officer Barwig of entrapment, writing comments like, "Here's partner left the food available for the taking. Officer ICE shouldn't have been tempted like that in plain sight." One Facebook user wrote, "Innocent until proven guilty. Besides that, look at that face! He couldn't have done it. If he gets time behind bars for this, there's going to be lots of confusion when his supporters show up holding free ICE signs in front of the police station." On January 19th, the Wyandotte Police Department posted an update on their Facebook page. It said, "We have been threatened with massive protests if we move forward with our investigation and/or charges. Dozens of attorneys have offered to defend Officer ICE pro bono. Get it?" Plus, the overall public just doesn't believe his guilty as no video evidence has been produced. That being said, Officer ICE will not face any internal discipline or criminal charges. Matter of fact, one of his local supporters, lunch Wyandotte, dropped him off a custom-made sandwich today because they felt like he wasn't being fed enough. Side note, they threw the officers a tray of sammies, too. The public has spoken #noochargersforice. It's also been reported that people from all over the world are sending Officer ICE treats and toys. I know it's only February, but this gets my vote for the "Fuel Good Story of the Year." To finish up, I have a few punchline crimes for you. These are short cases that sound more like jokes than something that actually happened. An Italian man who pulled the wool over the authorities' eyes by convincing them that he was totally blind due to a congenital condition was busted for fraud in late 2021. The 40-year-old garage owner had received financial benefits from his apparent condition for 13 years and must have figured that the authorities were no longer keeping an eye on him. The first sign that things were not how they appeared to be for the Italian financial police came in 2018 when the man renewed his driver's license despite the whole being totally blind to thing. He was arrested in Sicily after being caught driving and sending a text message on his mobile at the same time. Which is pretty hard to do if you can't see. Police surveillance also caught him teaching his daughter to ride a bicycle and window shopping. The not-so-blind dude was known to the police due to his long history of dodgy behaviour. He'd allegedly been part of a criminal operation that phased traffic accidents to collect insurance money. In 2020 he was sentenced to over 14 years in prison for his involvement in the swindle, though he has since appealed the sentence. If his appeal was based on him being innocent of the charges due to his alleged blindness, I think it's safe to assume his defence strategy has been well and truly fucked by his latest arrest. At around 6.30pm on October 13th, 2019, Mary Faye had been shopping in Gort Island when she drove past her brother's house on her way home. She and her brother had been in a long-standing feud due to a property dispute over her farm. Every later told the court that her niece and nephew had seen her car coming from a distance and had planned an attack on her. As she drove past her brother's house with the driver's side window down, her 26-year-old nephew, Cathill Connors, and 21-year-old niece Michelle started hurling eggs at her. Several hit a windshield, making her unable to continue driving. Mary stated in court, "It was bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I thought they were stones and they continued for five minutes all thereabouts, banging eggs off my face." Her son James was the first on the scene. He told the court that there were eggs on Mary's face, her clothing and the interior of the car, and eggshells all over the road. He said, "Her glasses were off her face. There was an egg sitting on her chest. Her trousers were all eggs. The back head dress was dripping with eggs and she was in shock, shivering and very upset." The egg-attack siblings showed no regret for their callous actions, but they would get their comeuppance. Judge Mary Larkin convicted and fined them a thousand euros each for the deliberate assault on Mary and the damage they caused to her car. Judge Larkin said, "There is no acknowledgement of what went on. There is no apology and no remorse. I seriously regret that I have to convict these young people. Their parents and everyone who is involved in this very sad story should sit back and think about the shortness of life." "For a seventy one, for a seventy one minus GM, and T for all ninety." I don't like to generalise about all Porsche drivers, but the guy I'm going to introduce you to now is both an idiot and an asshole. He verbally and physically assaulted a guy named Lee, who is renowned as being Hong Kong's most well-educated bus driver. Lee has a master's degree in transport policy and quit his job as an engineer to fund his own mini-bus company, which he also works for as a driver. There had been some minor traffic incident between Lee and the Porsche driver, which I doubt was Lee's fault, but even if it was, Dickhead Porsche driver here had no right to act the way he did. And of course there's video of the incident because it happened earlier this year. The video shows Dickhead stopping his Porsche directly in front of the mini-bus to cut it off. He gets out of the car in a rage, yells profanities in Lee's face and hits him, knocking his glasses off. He then threatens Lee by telling him he's a triad member, which is actually an illegal act in Hong Kong. Passengers on the bus are parked up in support of Lee and called the cops. They tracked Porsche face down and arrested him on charges of criminal intimidation, claiming to be a triad member, driving without a licence, and drug trafficking. Because wouldn't you know it, he had 1.7 kilograms of cocaine on him at the time. Here's a hot tip for all my triad listeners out there. If you're trafficking large quantities of cocaine, maybe don't be a road ragey Dickhead. This brings me to the end of the episode. Thanks for listening. Make sure you subscribe if you want to stay up to date with all future episodes. And if you dug what you heard, please leave a review. If you'd like to support this independent podcast, head on over to patreon.com/worldsdummascriminals. All levels get access to monthly bonus episodes and add free episodes and higher levels also receive a variety of merch. If you're up for more dumb criminals action in your life, you could follow me on Twitter @wdcriminalspod and Instagram @worldsdummascriminalspodcast. Or you could join our World's Dumbest Criminals Podcast Facebook group. And thanks to the legendary Lorraine LaWain. And thanks to the legendary Lorraine Leadwell for running the group with me. Till next time, look after yourself. Stay out of trouble. And whatever you do. Don't commit a crime that makes you end up on this podcast.