A Paranormal New Year's Eve with Trixie and Katya

(upbeat music) - I think we should have a town hall, but I want to have a town hall. - I want to have a town hall. I don't know about what. - I do. - What? - All's fair. - Oh, if it's not a town hall, it's not adversarial. It's celebratory. - Right, the Dix who did this in the Cons responsible. Right? - So last month, that's weak. - The Dix did it in the Cons responsible. - My crusty. (laughing) - My crusty pussy. - My crusty pussy. Last week on the pod, I told you that I would be willing to tell you about girl. - I've been waiting, now before you laugh. - I haven't even eaten. - I want you to, I want to tell you. (laughing) - I heard about this show being a, it's a stage show. And I heard about it being in Los Angeles and I said, "I want to go." And I checked for tickets and the only I could go was December 2nd last night. So I said, "I'm gonna go." Now, I want to acknowledge that I've been having some health issues. - Bladder issues. - So I couldn't wake up and be on a red carpet at 8 a.m. this morning for the Hollywood reporter, women 100, luncheon, bruncheon. - You're not a woman. - I did want to go. - But that's why I thought I have to go and drag. I can't show up at 8 a.m. out of drag at the women's luncheon. - They'll think you're like, they're to serve returns. - But me, on the red carpet, I was just like, 8 a.m. - That's amazing. - That's so beautiful. - So it's not that waking up, it was like, I don't feel good. I had a camera in my urine, my pussy yesterday. I'm like, I can't. Pull the camera out of my urine, head down to the women's brunch. Like, I can't. You know what I mean? I can't. I can't. Um, the context. - The context. - The context. - The context. - I saw that you stole fizzy lifting drinks. You get nothing. Good day, sir. - Willy Wonka. - Oh. (laughing) - Oh, there's a musical? - No, no, no. I was just saying it. It's from the movie. That's Gene Wilder. That's Gene Wilder. That's Gene Wilder. - Well, we can't do vocal stems in the pod. What the fuck is, what is this? - Hey! - Hey! - Speaking of, have you ever been on NPR? - Sorry? Have you ever been on NPR? - I think. - I have a couple of times. And whenever it airs, I guess I don't realize how many people listen to it. - No, no, I think I don't. - The phone blows up. Everybody listens to NPR. - Yeah. - Why don't we get NPR numbers? - Um, this is-- - Fresh air. Terrier gross. Can I listen to fresh air? Terrier gross? - I love fresh air. Terrier gross. - Democracy now, democracy now.org. The War and Peace Report, I'm Amy Goodman. Do you watch Democracy now? - I highly encourage you to do so. - I listen to, um, it's a watch. - I'm a, I'm a, I'm a big, bad pod save America. Faggot. - Okay. - So I love that. - Mm-hmm. - I'm sure they'd be happy to have you on. - Oh, Thursday I'm doing a live show. It's John Lovett. It's a nice typewriter. - Love it or a leader? (laughing) - So I got tickets to the stage version of paranormal activity. - Okay, what is this? - I was like, I've never seen a horror play. I love the Parallel Activity series. I love that. - You do? - You're like, found footage. - And I thought that greens. - And I thought, if there's a stage version, it has all these amazing reviews. We like, oh my God, it's so scary. And I said, oh, I love to be scared. So I went online, I looked at tickets, and I like a good ticket seat. I'm sorry. If I, I always sort the seats by closest first. I like to sit at a close like end. I wanna see tears. I wanna see the motion. - Yeah, you wanna get spit on by Jonathan Graf? - Yes, and some people like to sit for their back. If I can get an affordable seat in the front, I will go for it. - What's affordable? - So get this. Mateo says, well, I was in the mezzanine in the middle. Am I tickets to like $240? I don't know how this happened. - No, I got this paranormal. - I got the front row two center tickets for 160 each. - Okay. - I don't know how it happened. - Faggot? - Maybe they kind of hacked my iPhone and saw pictures of my fat cock, and they were like, let's give it a shot. - But she just had a camera for pussy. - Right, we need to get through our bones. - Well, that's paranormal activity. It's very, it's above normal for sure. - No, the camera. - Oh, down footage. - That's periscope. Remember periscope? - I do. - You on drugs speaking French on periscope. - Oh my God. - What a time. - Well, not only that, fully psychotic. - I know. - Fully psychotic. - And full sprinch with urgency, with 100% seriousness. - Like you're an actress on actors. - And I was down by MacArthur Park. - You know. - And the girls used to show up at your house. - That was way, way, way back. - That was in Boston. - I was just thinking about that actually. They were like, hey, we're down the street bringing a pizza. I was like, weird, really weird. But I'm the dumbass who like, you know, would livestream outside my home. And I lived above a bar. - No, that's, that's, that's, she deserved it. What was she wearing, what was she drinking? - Thank you. - Okay. - Thank you. - So paranormal activity. - So I go, front seat. I go and I show my thing and they go, um, lucky you. Your seat's right in the front in the very middle. So me and my boyfriend walk up the, oh yeah, hello. So we sit and it's starting, I'm excited. I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited. Let's go down. So it's an original story. It's nothing like paranormal activity other than it's a couple in a home where paranormal events are happening. - Oh. - And so it starts with this, I don't give away much. - No, it's different to this couple. - Who it moved to London maybe two weeks ago from Chicago. And it's sort of inferred that the guys on the phone of this mom being like, yeah, she's doing better. The female in the play, Lou, depressed, seeing things. - Postpartum. - Seeing things. No, she hadn't had a baby. They were trying to furnish a nursery part because they wanted a baby. She's on depression medicine. And it starts a little like, he's like, you think you heard something just take your medicine today? Which in movies, ghost movies, when no one believes you, which would be the natural thing. - Yeah. - If you called me and said you were seeing ghosts, I would not believe you were seeing this. - No, no, no, no. And right, you would be. Right, you would be. - Because in the play, they just moved to London. And they're just saying, I don't know, flat. And because paranormal things were happening in Chicago where they lived. And they kind of set up in the play. She's like, I know you don't believe me. This has been happening my whole life. And like, an entity has been after me. I feel it in presence my whole life by the time. And it's gone better and worse. And right now it's been worse. - Okay. - And it starts with him not really believing it. I'm kind of spoiling part of the play. And so if you want to see premiere activity of the play, just to the magic of knowing nothing is amazing. - Okay. - But for those of you who will never see it or just want to know the tea. And I don't want to say too much. But I will. - Yeah. - So you're not going to go. - No. - Today was, I think today is the last day there in LA. They're going to London. - I think no. - To West State. I'm going to go to London and see it. - Worth it. - No, no, no. - First time it's worth it. - It's worth it. - Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me. - So it starts with a few things like water turning on or like, oh, the Alexa turned on its own. Like the power's out, huh? Weird things. As a couple, you can tell they're in turmoil because they want to have a baby. Things start happening. And I felt what I thought was going to happen was him sort of not believing her for a lot of the play. Early on, something happens that's so crazy. - What? - Where he comes home from work and she thinks I've been happening when she's alone. The lights are out. She's freaked out and he goes to like, did you take your medicine today? And that turns into a fight because if you're a woman who's being haunted by real ghosts and your husband thinks that you're just a little sad. - Thank you. - You know, women being like, she get in your meds, you're gonna go crazy. - Yeah, I always think you're a time in the month. - Right. - Yeah. - So I'm just gonna tell you, the stage magic in the show is so unbelievable. And so chilling. I've never been so scared in my life. I've never been more scared in my whole life. - No, me. - No thing is worth giving me. There's a part where they get in the fight and she puts on this robe and she's looking for slippers and she's like gonna go to bed 'cause they get in the fight. - Thank you. - And he's on the phone with his mom and he's like, you know, mom, whatever. Like, yes, the mom is very southern and very overstepping. And, you know, he's like, you know, I don't appreciate you talking about her like that, whatever. And she comes back downstairs in her robe and she's got a hood pulled up and she's all covered with a blanket. She's got a powder and he's like, I'm sorry. I hear you, I'm sorry, that was wrong of me. Let's just have a fresh start. He's talking to her and she turns to the kitchen away from the audience and she's cutting vegetables with the knife. And he's like talking and talking. He's like, you know, I read about this paranormal event that happened where these people swore that they were haunted and their animal died. And that's how they found out that there was a gas leak in the home and they were all hallucinating. It's crazy. It wasn't actually paranormal. It was a gas leak. And at the stage is like a dollhouse. It's two levels, bedrooms and whatever. And this was so scary. He's talking from the second level, she's in the kitchen. From the second level, you see her pop her head on and go, babe, where are you talking to? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it was going to be audience. Goes, I mean, it was a 2,000 people go here. And he turns and it's her standing there. The blanket drops. She's gone. Oh, I love it. It was so fucking scary. The sound design was so low rumbling with things like that happened. Big musical stings with blackouts that were so fucking scary. Oh, that's good. It's a two hour play with one intermission between each hour. So things like that's one of the first scares that makes you like, oh shit. So then they have a ghost hunter. I'm like ruining the play. Is that OK? Yeah. OK. So then it's sort of like almost comedic, because now he believes her. And she's lived this her whole life. And her parents died in a fire when she was younger. She escaped the fire. And that's sort of the impetus of her seeing this entity was after her parents died. She's like, this thing is with her, right? And she never told them she didn't think she'd marry her. He'd marry her. Then they call an investigator. The parental investigator comes and sets up a bunch of equipment. And then like an event happens again that is so fucking crazy. You want to know? Yes. No, I don't. I'm just going to go to bed. She tells the story of her parents dying. And you know, they think they're talking to that ghost that their parents, they're not, that gets really crazy and scary. There's a part in the second act that scared me to my fucking core. And if you guys are gonna see the play, do not listen to this. - Okay, okay, tune out, I'm tuning in. - So his mom has overbearing Southern mother, who's very religious. The whole play, they're sort of like his mom's a Bible thumper. And his mom's like, maybe your wife needs to pray, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - He's on FaceTime, and he rigs up FaceTime with the being of the play on the TV that faced the audience. So whenever they're on FaceTime with the mom, they can see the mom. - Okay. - The actress of the backstage doing the call. - That's true. - Who is amazing. The acting was amazing. I'm in the front row watching tears, watching all of it. It was like, these people are television actors. It was serious. Oh, he's on the phone with his mom. And his mom is like, it's getting a little serious on the phone. The mom's getting a little mean. And the pivot is so small to his mom being like, "Why don't you eat a bullet Jimmy? Why don't you kill yourself and kill your wife while you're?" I mean, it gets so scary. And then the door rings, and he goes to open the front door. He's the whole time he thinks he's talking to his mom on the phone. He opens the front door. His mom shows up, "Surprise. I'm here. I use my miles." So then you're like, "Oh, my God." So now she's here. And before the end of the second act, before the end of the second act, the ghost hunter runs out of the house. And it's like, if you have anyone in your life you love, you will not let them come to this house because you're fucked. You've moved from Chicago, the ghost has followed you, you're fucked. So his mom's showing up that he's like, "Oh, my God, mom, you've got to get out of here." And the mom means, "Well, she's super Christian." She's like, "I just want you to pray." She sits with them. He's crying. She's standing across the room. She's like, "I think having bibles in the house will even make this worse." Like, this is bad. And the mom and him are crying and praying. And he's feeling better. So during the phone call, at the end of the phone call in the face time, she, after she says, "Bite a bullet." And all that to her son. And he's like, "Freaking out." He goes, "She goes on the phone." And she goes, "Why don't you answer the door, Jimmy?" And the doorbell rings. And so that's when he answers his phone in to his real mom. "Oh, baby." So then the mom is holding him and they're crying. And he's sobbing. And it's this moment of like, I don't really religious, but like his belief that things could get better. He's crying with his mom. His mom is really religious. And they're hugging. And he was the audience like, "Thank God." And then she looks at him and goes, "Instead of the door, Jimmy." And the doorbell rings. It was the most scared I've ever been in my life. And he goes and answers the door. And there's no one out there. And the whole time he's walking to the door, the mom, who obviously is an apparition, is looking at them like, "Oh, no." It was so scary. He opens the door, it's no one. She stands up and she's like, "There's nothing for you out there. Everything isn't here." And then she says, "Peekaboo." And she starts going like this. And then the stage magic is so real. She screws Peekaboo and pulls out her fucking eyes. And then there's a black girl. You have to go to this. I need to see this. I won't ruin the ending because that's really the magic of what it all is. But I've never been so scared in my life. Oh, that sounds incredible. It almost went back around the way to not fun. Because mind you, I live in a haunted house. Sure. So by the way, there's development on that. Tell it. Ross, the ghost hunter, text me. I did some research. We contacted a ghost called Evan in my house. There was a guy. Oh, go watch the YouTube video if you haven't. Thank you, Nick. 13 dollars. Always be selling. $45. $45, yeah. Yeah. You want to do with it? I'm an Olaf, an Olaf where I just put ghosts. Try it. Try it. So if you've skipped ahead, this is the moment where now you didn't miss the plot. Thank you so much for inviting me by the way. Like you would have actually would have loved it. But I'm afraid you would have been in the front like. Oh, they would have been two into it. No, I would have been jerking it with my hands. Jerk isn't people next to me. Ross calls me and says, hey, and you're not guy that bearded guy that you keep seeing in your house. I said, yeah, she said there was a guy whose last name was Evan's. Who was a guitar tech and he had spent some time in your house. And after he'd left your house sometime later, he was on drugs and got gunned down with the police. How about that? So I go home to that house. I get in bed. What does sleep? Slept great. But I don't fear the ghost. No. That movie was that that play was the most scared of ever in my life. Wow. That is impressive. Kudos to them. Oh, I hope I didn't ruin it. Is it illegal to? A legal? And the stage magic of props falling off the walls, shadows, sound effects. That seems difficult. It was so chilling. Oh, I love that shit. It was so chill. We found dead. In the beginning of the play, they introduced this bell that is like supposed to be like, oh, if this bell is supposed to be like a bell that people use for the dead to contact the living. And that's on stage the whole play and you're like waiting for it to ring at some point. It gets so escalated. It was so scary by the end of it. I was like shook. I was like having a full body chills. Full body chills. I was like, was that too much to talk about? I feel like I'm in the play. I don't understand where you're talking about. The author is going to be like, people don't want to know they could just to know or pay $13. And that was honestly, I skipped. The meat of the show is this people who are one year married trying to do an impossible situation. The drama is the meat of the show. Yeah. It was a little bit steaming king where you care so deeply about the couple. That's what makes these scenarios scary. Things like her sleeping on stage and the blanket getting off her on its own, I don't even know how they're doing these things. Not to mention there's whole parts of the show where it's a two-story dollhouse basically. And he's walking around stage with just a flashlight. Her appearing in different places and not remembering any of it. Ooh, baby. Word for word. What's the most scary thing you've ever seen? I think probably I mean, I want to say candy man. No, I think I want to say candy man. But you know what? It's so lame. But Freddie Krueger really, really, really got me because I watched that so young. My parents had no restrictions on what we watched as children. So we watched HBO with three, four or five years old. I mean, real sex, all these basically soft core pawns, horror movies, traumatizing. And when you're young, your ability to be scared is very deep. Well, the thing about Freddie Krueger, I know he's so corny, especially the sequels are so bad. They're so, so, so bad. They get worse and worse as they go. But the dream thing, the premise is so good. The premise is so, so good. That you can't, when you go to sleep, well, like you watch black phone two. No, but is he a ghost in that or something? Is he a ghost? This is the, can I just, can I just ruin it all for one? I'm not going to see that. Black phone two is hard stiff Christian propaganda. You're kidding. What? He starts attacking them in their dreams, like Freddie, them flying around. Well, the awake people are watching them sleep, getting slashed and stuff. Fully Freddie, and it's super Jesus-y. What? They're investigating murders at a Christian camp that he had killed people at. The, the, the grabberies called those movies. Yeah. And the first black phone was so good. With the black balloons in the mask. Yes. Yes. The first black phone was so good. The second one, I didn't make it all the three. I turned it off. It was too Christian. Oh, that's so Christian. That's strange. And I don't mind Christian because the conjuring is always like demons' verse. They're, they're pretty religious. They use the Bible. Right. But by the way, the last conjuring, oh, my God, bring a book. Was that the, the, the, the, the telling me to do it? Telling me to do it. Telling me to do it. It was the conjuring. Last writes. It was the most recent one. Oh, I don't think I've seen it. It sucks. The pacing is so bad. Have you, girl? Have you seen that audio that the dry queens are all doing? The defiler. And I do know your name. You are ballet. Oh, it's so bad. But the gaze are girls so bad. Oh, I did the Boston Halloween gig with plain Jane. And she did a lip sync to it with those big rubber boobs. You are the defiler. I was kind of like, bag it. I, I, mirror the nun. Do you know that? Did you know that I went? That's one of the only premieres. Halloween premieres I've gone to. The nun. And I love those movies. So they gave me an invite. So I went. And you know, you walk through a carpet exchange for your free ticket. I actually felt bad that the actors were in the room while we were watching us like, this isn't good. It, it sucks so bad. It's just, there's, it's so filming. There's nothing to it. It's all jump scares. Like when, when the measure of the movie is just blood pressure, that's not scary. That's jolting. Do you know what I mean? Paranormal activity, the stage show. Almost no jump scares. I think real, built momentum scares. Yeah. Actually, I like candy man. There's, I don't think there's maybe two jump scares. And they're not like, actually, they're fake outs. Like a dog or something. All the, all the, the really scary stuff happens in broad daylight. Like, it's not like, you know what I mean? It's like, hypnotizing it. That's really like, it needs to be scary without, um, I don't just jump scare. But I do like a, like in this play when the mom has, like, answered the door and the doorbell rings. That is scarier than anything. Well, that's just scary. And the shining, the kid in the shining when he asks, is there something bad here? That's really scary. Oh, yeah. When somebody says something like that, the, do you know what he's terrifying? Opening the door and having the, the, the, the guy on the bed with the kneeling and then the other guy with the bear mat, wherever the costume. Yeah. That's fucking. Yes. Very bad. The only. That's what I felt like when I fucked and dragged when I saw myself in the mirror, when I saw myself in the mirror. I saw myself getting my dick sucked in a wig and I thought I saw like, great party. Like, really? I was like, girl. When I get on the tub with my unit on, on your tiptoe, your gray feet on the dirty tile or your cakesters everywhere. Can't take it. Can't take it. Oh, baby. Do you like those holiday zebra cakes? I know. Christmas trees. I do. No. What's your favorite Christmas cookie? Fina came over for the holiday special, which is out now and she made her beautiful homemade gingerbread. Oh. And homemade sugar. with royal icing. - That bitch can make fucking cookies. - I know, when she makes some chocolate chip cookies, I eat them all. - The chocolate chips. - She pulls them out of the oven and puts kosher salt on top. - Ah! - She eats. - I don't even like chocolate chip cookies that much. To me, like, a chip's a holly. I will never just eat one of those. Gross. - No, dry? - Yeah, dry. - Dry shit? Sick. - But you like an Oreo? - I mean, yeah, I like an Oreo. I like a soft out of the oven chocolate chip cookie. - Yeah, classic. - Take it out, put it right in your face. (laughing) - I use cucumbers for that. - Cucumber. - Cucumber. - Wait, what's the, I'm trying to think of what else is scary? What else is scary? What else is scary? The first conjuring scared me pretty bad. - It's just. - The paranormal activity. - The first movie's real. - Really? - I watched it in college and I was so scared. Did you watch the paranormal activity, where'd they go to the Amish Village? - Mm-hmm. - Baby. - It's good. - It's the best one. - Okay. - They're making a documentary. This girl's trying to connect with her family. She's not, she's a no, and she's related to the Amish. So she's making a documentary staying with them. - Very scary. - What is the scariest movie I've ever made? What is the scariest movie? - The, um, the visit. - Oh, when she goes to the Grandparents. - That is like one of the scariest moments. - That's boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. - Those aren't your grandparents. - Yeah, that's, but it's kind of a slow burn. (laughing) - But then she like, she turns out to be like a, yeah, like a vampire kind of. - Unless an old people. - I'm fine with old people being crazy. - Yeah, it's fine. It's ages. - Yeah, like, you know what? I was thinking about like barbarian. It's kind of like, ages, anti-woman, in a way. It's like, oh my god, what? She's a crazy lady, naked. That's crazy. (laughing) (babbling) - That's me, right. - That's me, just drink from my bottle, everything gonna be fine. - So what else is the tea with you? - Oh, I wanted to talk, oh, I just thought about it in the parking lot. - I just went to, did you go home for Thanksgiving? - Yes, that's what I wanted to do. - What did you do? - Okay, so I went to my sisters in Atlanta to visit her. - Your sister lives in Atlanta? - Yeah, I didn't know that. - I didn't know that. - Yeah, she's been there for a little while. She just got a new house. - Direct flight from LA. - Oh yeah, thank you. - Don't do. - Hello. - Hello. (laughing) - Wait, something happened on the flight. - Hello. - Hello. - What happened? - It was, I was, I got surprised. - Okay. - It's very relatable. - This, I got, like, - Like you got on the plane and everyone had those hats and blowers instead. - Surprise. (laughing) - No, they just booed me. They just booed and they made me go to the back of the plane. - Yeah, and you were like someone coming out on Mori. They were booing and you were like, "Shut up, shut up, y'all pay." - I took my top off. - I took my top off. (laughing) - No, I am, it was a, (laughing) - Screaming y'all fake while you get on the plane. - Y'all fake. - Y'all fake. - You are not the father. I, it was a, like, it was not a lay down bed, but it was something, it was the, in between level of first class that I've never experienced. I know this is gonna be great with the listeners. Like, it was like, a reclining. - If you need to start flying in coach. - In coach. - You need to, you do need to do time. - Steerage. - I need to get in the, - In the class. - In the class. - Yeah, I need to get with the crates with the dogs. - Yeah. - No, no, it was like, you know how sometimes it's like first class and it's just, you know, it's up in the front. - The UK. - Ooh. - A launch here, where they were. - Where they were. - Where they were, where they were. - Where they were, (laughing) - A fucking launcher. - Where they're like, "Can I have glass of wine and they just throw it in your face?" - Not even as crazy. - Yeah, they're like, did you wanna, did you wanna cook, tear out? And then they hear your accent like, "Your eyes." - Yeah, no bitch, I don't want. - Warm soda. - A thimble of warm soda that tastes like shit. Anyways, it was a recliner. - Right. - It was a-- - Oh. - I loved it. I was smiling the whole way. I was like, "Love, you'd love." - Right then I read it. (laughing) I read Missouri. And then I went over, my state of my friend, David. David, who does slick it up, he moved to-- - Love David. - Love slick it up. - Shout out to slick it up. Shout out to slick it up, shout out to David Mason. - He left under the cover of night like a thief. I've never felt so shocked and betrayed. - What do you mean? - He left L.A. under the cover of night like a thief. - He moved. - He moved. I feel so shocked and betrayed now. - In Atlanta. - Well, can I say, if you're, he's a small business owner, and a designer and an artist. - Doesn't change the fact that my shock and my betrayal are so terrible. - They might have better tax breaks for small businesses. - Doesn't matter. I'm still shocked and so betrayed. - Anyways, it's so funny because all between me and a lot of my friends, me who will talk about something for about 15 years and never do it. He just casually mentions, "I think I moved to Atlanta "next day gone." But he has a great house. - He should have consulted with you first. - I feel so shocked and betrayed right now. - And you did it at my birthday. (laughing) - Moving to Atlanta, but it was great. I know nobody cares, ugh, whatever. What about this opening at clock store at the mall? Sucking tick and clock. (laughing) - Sucking tick and clock. (laughing) - That deserves its own kiosk at the mall. - A kiosk, you know what I see for you? - Being one of those people that's, "Man, can I ask you a question?" - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I just throw up on them. - Or the gold face. - The gold face? - The gold face? - They love to sell the gold face mask. - I just wanted to fix people's cell phones. - Hey. - I just put them in my mouth. - Very hopeful. (laughing) (soft music) - But wait, my nephews, my sister's children, the sons of my sister. - Mama. - These motherfuckers are so cute. - I don't give a shit about children as well documented. I don't care about children. - They're fun. - My new thing is, our adults that great. - No, that's true. - Human beings are all flops. But these motherfuckers, - You love them. - Owen. - He's a little man now. He's growing up. - Cold? - He's got to be fucking four or five or some shit. I don't know. - He's eight or 12, I don't know. - No, he's got to be like, he's three or four or five, six, seven, seven. - He's like a young man. He's talking, he's moving around. He's got, we're playing with a lizard that, a motorized lizard that climbs on the wall. We're having a blast. - Wow, kids, kids toys now. Don't even get me. - Oh my, Mary, if I had a remote control lizard that could climb the wall. - Do you know, we had a wooden paddle. - With a ball and a rubber string. - We had kicked the can. - Girl. - And I'm not joking. - We kicked a can. - I was in Kentucky and I was at some friends who have twins. Their children have a 3D printer. I said, I'm sorry. - Wait, what? - Did they have a 3D printer? - Yes. - That's crazy. That's too much. - I was like, back in my day, we had Jenga. - We never, I didn't have a printer. Any printer. So Benjamin is, Ben is the baby. He's 11 months, he's almost a year. - Cute. - This motherfucker. - You love it. - I want to put him in the oven. - Right. - On 450. - Right. - And just broil him and eat him. - Right. - I want to eat him. - There's a lot of great things about babies, the chubby legs. - Mary, he's, this motherfucker. - The Michelin man legs, the tiny little toes. - The Gerber baby is so ugly by comparison. - The razor fingernails. Babies have sharp fingernails. - Razor fingernails. - They're so small. Baby, comment below, baby finger, adorable. - Mary. - Baby fingernails are fucking sharp. They're dangerous. - What do you think's to me? (laughing) - Right. - I don't see a resemblance yet, but (laughing) not yet. - You don't think so? Look at this, look at this motherfucker. - A so fucking cute. - You know this is so fucking cute. - There's this great age where babies look like old men. Love that age. - Oh, so cute. I just want to fucking eat him. I just want to eat him up. - Right. - Wait. - Well then you should visit him and then he can do that. - This is me. - Right. - You thought about having more of a presence in his life? - No. (laughing) - Showing up once a year and taking some videos. Hardly parenting, you know? - Parenting. - No, I'm, you know, I am one drink. - You take him down to the learning annex and then roll him in some classes. - Take him down to the Brooklyn Education Center. - You should open some kind of savings account for him. - Oh mama, I'm way ahead of you, I'm way ahead of you. - Right, I got, I got, I got plans. - You're gonna will him your bed. (laughing) - I already got him all set. - Oh good. - But not the other one. - No, no, no, he's, let me tell you about this motherfucker. I'll keep the nephew talk to him minimum. - I think it's mine. - My brother's son, my nephew. - Right. - This motherfucker is gonna be present in the United States. - Okay. - He's so funny. He's so quick. He's so hysterical. - He could probably do it now and do a better job. - I know. - It's like, they could win, he should run now. - I seriously, he is so smart and he's so funny. Like at that age, it's like six years old. - They're like, he's - Again, he's two and 12. I don't know. - Somewhere he didn't do it. - No, he's like, yeah, yeah, he's six, he's so funny. I don't remember any child being that funny that young. - Right. - I don't know, good for him. He looks exactly like me, which is very suspicious. I did not fuck my brother's wife. - Right, okay. But your brother looks so much like you. This all makes a lot of sense. - No, he's so cute. - He's so cute. - Mine is, I stopped my home for Thanksgiving and I went to my mom's house and she did something. She does something very Wisconsin, I really appreciate it. - She's lucky about it. - No, I'm like, I don't ask for anything. I come over and she just sets up a TV tray with cheese and crackers. It's like, that's all I need. - I love that. - That's all I need. You don't have to cook, you know, for me, we're visiting my family. I'm like, we can go for three hours the whole weekend and I'm good, love them. But I don't need to spend a lot of time with my family. - No, that's so impressive. - That's what I was struggling with. First of all, my brother-in-law, Ian, is incredible cook. He airfried this motherfucker turkey, airfried this turkey, airfried the turkey. - It was so delicious. - Oh, wow. - He's such a good cook, it's incredible. But I love there, for sure. - But David and I went to my sisters and my parents were there. And I was like struggling with how long do we stay? - You were with David? - Yeah. - I stayed at his house and then we went to my place. - Oh, okay, sorry, didn't get there. - Hot tub. - Fun. - Hot tub. - Hooligans on the street. - Oh, drunk people. - On books. - No, on bikes. Just like young kids. - Kids. - Hooligans. - Get 'em wild. - But I was like, I don't know, it's like I flew all the way here, but I don't know when to leave. - Sure. - So I was like three, four hours. - Can I be honest, that's enough for me. - I don't like you. - So you were me sitting with my mom and talking for like two hours. My niece was at church that day 'cause her dad said the family's religious, so they've been taking her to church. And so honestly getting to be with my mom without kids running around, was really nice. - Yeah. - Different vibe. - Yeah. - Kids love 'em, annoying. - Thank you. - No. - Also exhausting. - Messy. - No. - And also, Graham, when he was much younger, he was like, I think he slept about a half an hour night. And then he ran like, his energy level was like crystal meth. - Devil child. - Devil. - The son of Satan. And now he's milled out a little bit, but still very energetic. - We have a child on my family who's at an age where, isn't interested in any toys, just wants to take pictures off the wall, grab silverware. Everything at son of toy is fair game. - It's a toy, yeah. - And so you're watching an adult pick up one thing. For every two things you get thrown on the floor, one thing is getting picked up. It is a losing battle. - It's a whack 'em all. - Yeah. - I think the newborns can't only make so much mess, and then the older kids, but there's that middle baby zone where they have no responsibility. - Yeah. - I don't know. - Terror. - Like two, three, four years old. - I think I would be really hard. - I would have to, I would love like the newborn. I mean, I'm a born breast feeder, but then I would like, ship 'em off to boarding school until they're like 20. I mean, do you think boarding school's bad? Do you think it's bad to ship your kids away? - I don't think it's bad. I think it's just different kids. - I do. - So I grew up with a rich girl. Like we were, we were not rich. - And no one. - Like when Stefani, rich girl? - No. Like she went to a 20,000, this, okay, in the 90s, her high school was $20,000 a year. She did it a whole year in school. - My god, what? - In high school. - She lives in Spain. (laughing) - She loves it. - Everything's great. - No, but imagine that in high school. Imagine you're a high school costing $20,000 a year in the 90s. These days, that same high school's probably 50,000. Think about it. I can't imagine. - No. - So she was rich. I think I told you the story where I got so drunk, I drove her dad's BMW. - Oh no. - I got so drunk at her house, face down like dead drunk. We had a wake up her sister who was 14 to drive the dad's BMW to drive me home. 'Cause I had my mom's car, Mary, it was so wild. It was so off the hook. So off the hook. My friend who was drunk, drove my mom's car with me in it. And then the 14 year old daughter was woken up to drive the beamer, to drive the girl back to the house. Oh yeah. That was shenanigans we got into in high school. - Christina. - And I walked into the house. My mother's in her robe having tea in the morning. She's like, oh thanks. I need the car to go to work. - Did she know what the tea was? - Oh yeah. - I mean, I walked in dead drunk. - What's she man? - We had a discussion. We had a discussion. - Didn't take, huh? (laughing) - Not about that. Just about the things. - Karen, you know what, you're right. I'm gonna quit on booze. Well, I never really drank again after that. You said, I'm never gonna have an issue. (laughing) - Movies with little bitches, or it's like, I'll never tell a lie. (laughing) - Love that shit. - But I mean, they really sowered me on drinking. - Yeah. - Drinking is kind of disgusting. - Why does it very love it? Medi, can you grab my computer? - What do you think? - You know what I think is really the vibe. Do you remember that little bitch from a little house in the prairie? - No, I never saw it. - Nelly Olsen. - Wait, is she the one who got pushed down the. - No. - Who's that? Who's that? - In the green gables. - That's not that, that's not that show, is it? - It is, it is, it is, it is. - I love that clip. I love that clip. - She used to love to watch Little House on the Prairie. And recently, I've been thinking about it a lot. I think I'm gonna rewatch it. - Mike Landon? - Oh, the dad. - Yeah. - Hot. - Oh yeah, I know. But I was thinking of the theme recently. What do you think about it? Let me show you this for you. What do you think about it as a disco remix? Hold, please. I know this is like not on anybody's bingo card today. I've been doing a lot of producing for other people. I got to, I can't say who, but I'm doing remixes for other for pop girls, real pop girls. People in the car, would you, would you gaze, would you pop around to the Little House on the Prairie Disco theme? - One, two, three. Ow. - This is horny. (laughing) - Hey, everybody say one, two, one, three. - Hey, everybody, up, up, up, up. - This is horny, horny. - I'll see you at the Grammys. - I was listening to it, I was like, why is it this, it's this dreamy? - It's dreamy. - It's dreamy, 70s. - It's almost like never ending story kind of. It's this very like, ooh, you need to do dynasty next. Please do dynasty next. Girl, you would fuck up dynasty. - I was like, what about fuck? - I live. - You do dynasty next, you have to. Maybe that's next. What about a whole album of just Disco TV? - No, it's, girl, that is so fierce. I had, when I was like 16, I mailed away, like cause you know, no internet. I sent away a check in the mail and I got back, it was got three mixes of exactly that. Theme songs, like Charles and Charge. - Charles and Charge. - And then like, all, I figured what it's called, but it was really fierce, like, it was a really fierce like concept. All dark, dark we've industrial like, theme songs. - I love a re-imagining. - It's fierce. - I am, I have a two part story to this. One is, one of the girls that just got to do a remix for us. She hadn't heard the remix yet and she came to the studio and we were sitting in the studio with the big speakers. And she, we played it and I was like, it was one of those moments where she actually hasn't heard this and now she's gonna have to either fake a response if she doesn't like it. And I was like, this is awkward. - She couldn't get enough of it. She was like, she stood up, started screaming. She started dancing. She loved it and it was so gratifying. - That's fierce. - Oh, thank God she likes it 'cause she could have been like, it's a nice start. - Dancing, yeah, we'll wait a minute. - And she loved it. - Thank God. - That's fabulous. - We please do Dynasty next. - Yeah, so I'll give it a shot. I want to finish this little house on the prairie. - She's two. - Nah. - Dynasty. - Twink Peaks. - Twink Peaks. - That's the life. - Sometimes the remix, you know that song by, do you know pet shop boys? - They're kind of gothy, right? - No. - They're not at all. - 'Cause they're a little bit depeche mode. - No, no, they're, like, new wave. - Yeah, but don't think gods like that. - I mean, it's like adjacent. - Okay. - But it's definitely not god though. - They're a version of, you were always on my mind. - With Liza? - Oh. - No, you were thinking of, you were thinking of the Dusty Springfield version. - No, I'm thinking of the pet shop boy remix with Liza singing. It's so good. I forget what it is. - Oh, you haven't heard that. - You know I'm talking about it. - Oh yes, but I don't know what song that is. - It's a cover. Maybe I'm going in. - Oh, that is what it is. - Yeah, yeah. - The pet shop was, maybe I didn't love you like that, but I love them. - I read, I was like, why did they think they were doing into UK, a holiday special in the UK honoring Elvis where they asked all these bands to do their own versions of all the songs in their own style. And they were like, we all, we all like, you were always on my mind. It's widely considered the best cover of any song ever. - Really? - Because it makes the song sound like that's the original song. - Yeah. - It's so good. - That's fierce. - And do you what's veneno? - I remember she's titties out in the club dancing to that song. - Oh, that's right. - It's such a great piece of music. - You know what else is the fucking fabulous cover? One of the best covers of all time and due in time by Lana Del Rey. - Yeah, better than the original. - The great heartbreak of my life, the biggest regret that I have for her is that she didn't do a whole album of covers. - She's still good. - She's still good, but what do you want her to do this is time to speak into existence? - I wanted to do classic rock. - Sure. - I wanted to do Led Zeppelin, the doors. - Black velvet. - She made Hendrix. Yeah, I would love her to do all like male tunes. - Oh yeah. - I mean, Leonard Skinnerd. I mean, she could fucking rip that shit apart. - She could fuck up well. - The pink Floyd. - Like, I mean, Roger, she could like 60s, 70s classic rock. She would, she would take it. - Fucking, she would take down her bloomers, pull her butt cheeks apart and just shit on it. - Right, as the time we filmed this, I think Wicked came out last week. - Now, what do you think about all this? - I didn't see it because I don't wanna go to crowd at theater. - I didn't, I tried to watch it at home the first one. It's not for me. I'm not a hater. Yeah, I know you told me a hater before I'm trying to change my ways. I don't wanna be a hater. - Right. - But it's just not for me. - Right, it's okay. - It's fine. - I watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade when I was home for Christmas. And I don't normally get to watch it, but I had a really good time watching it. - What's your favorite balloon, Mary? - A Pokemon one's obviously. They were saying that, go online and search for the comments. The comments are like, of course this year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is woke, all because they just had Cynthia Rebo sing. And people are like, there used to be white people in this parade. - Black les. Nobody wants anything black or gay. Or it's like, Thanksgiving used to be great. - What about her voice? Her voice is transcendent. - Of course, transcendent. - Of course. - She's like a technically an incredible singer. - Yes. She, I mean, I was like, she's up here, she's saying feeling good, which I thought was a universally loved song. - Feeling good as woke. - I'm feeling good. - No, no, no, that's woke. And then there was one part where somebody was saying, like, "Baby, it's cold outside her some shit." And they took Bowen Yang's hand and did a spin. And I'm like, "Bis derailed the Thanksgiving parade. Pikachu's flying in the sky." That's woke. I also did you know, I looked it up. Originally, the Thanksgiving day parade was a Christmas parade. It just happened so close to Thanksgiving. It became Thanksgiving. But originally, it was a Christmas holiday parade. But I've always thought of this Thanksgiving. - Yeah, because Santa Claus is about to be gay. - It's also a weird mix of people singing live, and people not singing live. And it's interesting to see which one it is. - You know what? - But sometimes they do. - Let me tell you something. - Sometimes they're not. - Like, ask me if I felt shocked and betrayed when I learned that Whitney Houston was lip-syncing to a recording of the Star Spangled Banner. - Well, you heard, oh. - I was not. I was not shocked to be betrayed, because she recorded that. That was her voice. - There were her vocals. - I don't care. - It's outside the winds blowing. - It's not possible to do what she did in that. - I don't care if they're singing the parade. - I don't care if they're singing ever. - No, no, no, no, no, no. I care that it's their voice. But I've seen, especially with Russian singers, it's such a, they don't even bother with the forest. - Well, I moved the lips. - Mary. - They have air guitars. There's not an outlet in the place. - Oh yeah. - They got a full band, no plugs, nothing's plugged in. There's no batteries, nothing. - Everybody's doing it. - Have the songs play in the order of the album. - Mary, they just put on the CD. - Album version to the T. - Put on the CD. - Every once in a while, they'll turn the mic on, and they'll be like, ah, ah, ah. You know, like put on my background singers. But I don't want it, like, I've seen singers who, like, Ale Pugichova in her fair wall toy. She was like in her 60s. - Uh-huh. - You know, she's got a voice these days, it sounds like a bag of nickels down a wooden stair. You know, like, not great. But I, so I don't want her to sing live, necessarily. When she did sing live, three or four songs, it sounded like who'd done it. And it was like, a lot comfortable. So I wanted to do the album versions, or I wanted her singover a track. I want her, and I want her mouth, and I want her body there, and I want the music there, but it doesn't need to come out of her mouth. - Right. - Do you, is that crazy? I don't think it's a crime. - I think it's crazy. - People, okay, if they're dancing, - Ben Platt is playing the same theater. I saw "Purimal Activity." It's a live show, evening with Ben Platt. You go because you want to hear the same thing. - That's a vocalist. - Right, you want to see the same thing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So he's dancing the host down. - I think we all need to like, like the Britney fans have never really cared if she sings. The Britney fans haven't figured out. Who cares? - She's there. - She's there. - It's her. - And she's, you know, Mariah Carey, I don't even, those are her breasts. That's her gown. That's her, she's beautiful. She's there. - She's her music. - She wrote it. - She's there. - I need. I don't care. I would lip sync. - Well. - It doesn't matter. - I don't think it doesn't matter. - I don't think it really matters. I mean, especially with the parade who cares. I also, after the parade, the dog show plays, the Westminster dog show. - No, that is woke. - Is it Westminster? No, it's the. - That's cool. - What is it called? - Yes, that played "Fund Watch." I never really watched it. It's weird that it just, best in show is that. - I know, I know. - Best in show is so close to that. - Rhapsody and white. - Who won? - These are beautiful dogs being led by the worst dressed mannequins you've ever seen. I mean, this clothes are from these judges are putting on the national dog show. - There were in camel capris, three sizes too big. - One of the judges was wearing a brown knitted long sleeve turtleneck dress to the floor. - She was dressed like a branchless tree. - It was so crazy, like haunted with the cats ass. - But you don't want to take away from the beauty of the animal. - The women's fashion choices are very debate team. - Well, when we're talking dog show, we're not exactly a thing in the couture. Why not? - You don't want to take away from the beauty of the dog. The more dog like you look, the more gorgeous your dog is going to be. - It's the log lady versus Annie Wilkes. It's like that, she's doing, that's what I want though. I want Giselle Bunshin. I don't want, you know. - They also girl, they did this graphical graph where they broke down the most popular dog names by state. - What is it, what is it? - There are two main ones and they both pissed me off. - Is it Kelsey? - One of them is Luna. - Oh, of course. - One of them is Bella. - Those are the two main dog names. - Dog's and Luna. - Is it? - Yeah. - Mark's dog's name's Luna. - Fuck. - Yeah. - Bam. - Mark. - Wisconsin was daisy. - What is it? - Kentucky was bare, but Luna and Bella. I was like, what are these, what happened in cis, what happened in culture? - It's just one culture, is it? - Well, Luna Bella. - Luna Bay. - Think about it, the moon, Bella. What is your, you got three dogs. What are their names? - You have eight. - Knowing me, probably doggy. - Doggy puppy and. - No, you have doggy puppy. - Oh my. - Doggy puppy. - Doggy puppy and X-T cup chihuahua. You got a whimeraner and then you've got a shitsu. - If I have a chihuahua, what are the dogs? - T cup chihuahua, whimeraner and then a shitsu. - Probably knowing me, this is my T cup chihuahua T cup. Chihuahua. - Could be. - Just T cup chihuahua. - Yeah. Whimeraner is, oh. - Sippy-sweepy. Sippy-sweepy. - Sippy-sweepy. Sippy-sweepy. Sippy-sweepy. Oh my god, Sindi-sweepy. - Sindi-sweepy. - I saw our press thing that was like, people keep telling me how much they connected with Chris Chrissy. - Shut up bitch. What is it the hell downhole? - What about that? I love jeans. - She loves jeans. - It's so diabolical. - It's fierce. - Just like, sip it. - And then the whimeraner? - Oh, the whimeraner. - And the shitsu, sorry. - The shitsu, obviously Caleb. (laughing) - Fierce. - What about you? - I love regular people's names. Linda, Jeffrey, and Curtis. - Yeah. - No abbreviations. - Paco and Linda, Vigilista. (laughing) - No baby talk, straight human language. - Yeah. - I just, what are you doing? - Yeah. - Bella and Luna. - I mean, you know. - I just, we gotta look outside ourselves with names. - Well yeah, we also have to look at what are the top two female gymnastics girls' names. 'Cause it's like McNevy and McBraylin. - McBraylin. - They're very like Midwest. - I don't wanna, I just feel like. - Bella and Luna also both feel just very Caucasian. Maybe that's not a case. - I think they're also women's energy bars. (laughing) Maybe that's how they're naming it. This is my shitsu, Nature Valley. - This is my, this is my cat tiger's milk. (laughing) - Oh shit. - Oh my god. - Nature's Valley. - I don't know, I just, this is my dog's chagrin. - I feel like with dogs because we don't have to use people names, the world is your oyster. You can't name your baby macaroni. - No, it's like Ann, I think Puppy. Her dog's name is Puppy. - Who's Ann? - Ann Pine. - Oh Puppy. - Yeah. - I think so. - I had a cousin named Puppy. - Shit. - Who's her nickname? - But I have an nickname, Gucci. - That's true. - So we're doing all kinds of stuff. - I have, oh. - How many cousins do you have? Do you know? - Who knows? - You don't know. - My aunt's Gucci's 60th birthday was last year and I went, people I either have never met or have no recollection of. - Hmm. - Hundreds. - I don't know who was related. I know they're all related to me. I had no idea who was related to me in what way. - On how many uncles and aunts do you have? - Oh. - I mean just a couple, but I have great aunts and uncles. I have a lot of babies. - No, no, just uncles and aunts. - I don't know. - Your mom's one now, I've one aunt. - Just, just Gucci. - Yes. - Damn. - But she got like four kids and they all got kids. - So what is that, what are those first cousins? - Yes, those are second cousins. - I'm saying, I know we're related, but I don't know what the terminology has even. - Would you have sex with them? - Do you think that's wrong? - Let's take a break. (laughs) - Actually, we gotta wrap. (laughs) - I don't think it's necessarily bad. - Is that bad? - To fuck your cousin? - Second cousin. - Listen, if I roll up to the family reunion. - I mean, do you not have cousins and babies? - I mean, we don't have, I don't think my family has hot people, so it's not been a big press. - It's not, I mean, it's kind of a dog show at my family reunion. - You know, if somebody showed up in my family reunion and said, "Did you know that your second cousin "is Josh Hutcherson and is here and wants to talk to you?" - Like, that's so strange, I don't know. - Because yeah, we would be, I know he's a little short, but you know what else is really short? Jeremy Ellen White. - Yeah, do you feel horny to that? - I feel neither way. I've saw him at the Rose Bowl, four foot two. - That's right. - We hope you enjoyed this. If you want to hear more, just tip $18 in the chat. (laughs) - Honestly, I want to say, I never know, when I listen to the pod, which I don't always catch them, I never remember talking to you or what we talked about. - No, me neither. - I mean, this is a repeat shirt, I guess. - Sometimes I think, like, oh, I left to listen to my own pod, but I'm like, I don't know what we said. - Me neither. - And we tape him so far in advance, sometimes a month in advance. - Who knows? - Yeah, no. - No, I mean, days happen. - You know what, you know what? There's a new day every day. - Every day, every minute, something else. - Something fresh. - I hope your bladder's okay. - Yeah, me too. - Me too. - I'll perforate my bowel just in solidarity. - It sucks. - No, I know. It sucks. Goodbye. Bye. (upbeat music)