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Speaker 3Welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not of any organization.
Speaker 4What he said to me just healed me that day. Not fully, but it started. He said that when this happened to him and his wife and they were shattered the way I was shattered was that this is nature's way of taking care of something that could not take care of itself. And that brought me peace and perspective and clarity. And it brought me to the road to healing for this because it was brutal. It was brutal.
Speaker 3All right. Sarah S. How are you doing? Good to see you.
Speaker 4It's so good to see you.
Speaker 3Thank you so much for doing this. I know it was a bit of a pain getting it all started, but I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. But it's for a good purpose. And we're resilient people.
Speaker 4Yeah, that's a fact. And amazing. My pleasure.
Speaker 3So good to see you. So you are calling in from Kentucky. Let me see if I'm saying this right. Louisville, Louisville.
Speaker 4Oh, my gosh. This brings me back. I mean, I'll give it to you, but it's Louisville, Louisville.
Speaker 3That's better.
Speaker 4Yeah.
Speaker 3Louisville, Kentucky.
Speaker 4Yeah. And we're gearing up for the Kentucky Derby. It's next week.
Speaker 3Oh, you're going to do that sober. You're planning to do that sober.
Speaker 4Oh, yeah, I am. It's. I'm not going to go because I don't really like the track. Like there's too many people anyways. I didn't like going when I was drinking. It's just so crowded and everyone is so spilly and like the weather never turns out. Your feet hurt. Someone spilled something. I don't get it. The bathrooms are gross, but. But the picture is you can go for good content. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3Yeah. And so.
Speaker 4Yeah, go.
Speaker 3So it's safe to say that you used to go just for the party.
Speaker 4Yeah, that was the whole point. I mean, it is.
Speaker 3I remember you talking about that.
Speaker 4Yeah. I think I've only been to the actual Derby twice and I've born and bred raised here once in the infield. And then once when I first met Nathan and we spent a stupid amount of money on tickets, they were like right on the first corner. So we weren't undercover. But they were great seats and it poured down rain. I remember just standing undercover, like looking at my money, just wash away. That's like, okay. And yeah, they got drunk and left before the race, the Derby race started. Cause it's like one of the, I don't know. I don't even know if it's the last rig. I'm a terrible Kentuckian. Um, if it's the last race of the day or I think it is, but, um, cause I don't, yeah, it's gotta be.
Speaker 3I mean, you got a picture there behind you, so yeah, it's, it's in your blood, right?
Speaker 4Yeah. My sister-in-law painted that.
Speaker 3Funny you bring that up. It's funny you bring that up because, um, I, and I told you, I sent you a picture of this of Rebecca and I, we went to, uh, and my sister-in-law, we went to like the Canadian version, which is called the, the King's plate. And it's nothing like what you guys are used to, but it poured, it poured rain that day too. And we were undercover and I actually had a great time. I was sober and I did some gambling.
Speaker 4Um, and it was fun. Yeah. I, um, I don't like gambling cause I'm a sores loser anyways. And then like you put my money on the line. How dare you? I win. It's like the best feeling in the world. Like I get it.
Speaker 3Yeah. So that's great. So we met in treatment in Utah, um, at a recovery center there near Salt Lake city. And, um, you know, it was, it was mostly males at the time. And you were one of the few females that were there. And I have to say, like, you know, you're a big part of my recovery program, even till today we talk, but at that time, um, you had been through some shit, you were going through some shit. And the one thing I really related with you on, and you gave me inspiration for was this kind of like, um, resistance to like direction, right? Resistance to counselors and like, well, no, I want to go home. I have my family at home. I'm going to do 30 days and I know what's best. And, and I can completely relate to that. You know, I had that experience. I had that experience this last time around in treatment and it got me nowhere. Right. Yeah. Ultimately when I finally just went, you know what? Fine. I'm going to do it your way. Yeah. Things got better.
Speaker 4Yeah. Um, I remember specifically the first moment I met you, our very first interaction, because I was coming from like one of the outside, like the barns or the therapy building. And you were at the front door, we were outside and you had just like arrived. Everyone else was like doing their thing. And honestly, it looked like you were going to be a runner. I was like, Hey, is this your first time in treatment? You're like, Oh no. And I was like, Oh, Hey, because we're walking around outside. And I was like, dude, if he is anything like my first day, I like sat down and I was like, uh, this is not for me. I don't need to be here. I am nothing like anyone else here. Like, it's not that bad. And I, you know, I was an AMA gremlin. That was like my jam. Like, I think I was there for six or seven weeks, I think seven weeks. And I probably tried to AMA like nine times. So that's like more than once a week. And I got pretty far the last time. Like I had a flight booked.
Speaker 3I remember your bags are packed. And for anyone that doesn't know, AMA is against medical advice is what it stands for. And it means basically that you're, you're going against what everyone else recommends and leaving early because you're fixed.
Speaker 4Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I'm good. I'm fine. I'm done. And, and, oh, God bless the fact that my husband was like, no, you are not done.
Speaker 3And that wasn't easy for him too. Right? Like, I know Nathan was like, I don't know what to do. Right? Like, do I listen to the professionals or do I listen to my wife? You know?
Speaker 4Yeah. I think, um, well, I think it was probably easier internally for him than it looked because he was so sick of my shit. Like, you know, when I referenced my time drinking and when I was an active addiction, I refer to drunk Sarah as the troll. Like, I was just such a troll. Like, oh, what a fucking nightmare. And not like the key ones with like the diamond belly buttons and like, you know, Justin Timberlake singing. But like the ones from Harry Potter that are like, you know, real gross. Like, I'm like, like that is through and through who I was drunk. And what a nightmare. And he was so sick of it. And he had, I mean, I don't know. I put him through enough. So I think it was a nice vacation when I went to Utah for him. Honestly, um, one less thing to worry about a big thing he didn't have to worry about. Cause I was like contained, um, and surrounded by grownups.
Speaker 3And that's, and one of the things that I learned later on is, um, you know, uh, my wife, she started sleeping again. Right. Because, you know, she was losing sleep. She was calling places when I wasn't coming home, looking for me. Um, you know, she was calling jails, calling the hospital. All these things I learned after, um, we, we put through, through a lot, even though I talk about it a lot. We don't know, you know, how much damage we caused to our families, but they go through it too, you know?
Speaker 4Yeah. And I, um, don't think I fully grasped the damage until I actually came home and just facing the wreckage, like with a sober, clear mind. And I was like, holy shit. Like I burned this place to the ground. Like, I don't know how he stayed. Right. And I was able to. To keep our house a home. I mean, it was brutal. So there's a lot of love there. Um, from that.
Speaker 3Yeah. I get emotional just thinking about that. Um, I have a buddy that from my last treatment center, you know, messaged our group today. We have a group from our last treatment center here in Canada, um, who, who relapsed and he was on his way to detox this morning. And I'm just like, dude. And he was talking about his, his girlfriend being there with him. And I started tearing up thinking about it because they're just, they're just ride or die people. Right. Like if you want to know if they love you or not, like, trust me, they do. They're thinking about you. They love you even when you're away. Um, because she showed up and she just keeps showing up. Right. And I just, I had this moment where I was like, man, I'm so grateful for my wife and my family for sticking with me because it's, it's hard.
Speaker 4Yeah. I will never, um, be able to fully express the gratitude he, I mean, it takes a very special spouse, a very, like, I don't think I would have been able to do it the way, and I've said this, like, I don't. I'm too selfish. Like he was very patient and very loving. He really wanted, you know, we have a child together now we have two. So it was, you know, way bigger than just like, if he was leaving, he was not leaving alone and it was like going to be even more wreckage.
Speaker 3Yeah. So, yeah. So let's, uh, let's get into it. And why don't you tell us, um, you know, what it was like during your addiction, what you were like during your addiction?
Speaker 4The troll. The troll was, um... I mean, she was cute. She still looked pretty for the most part, but, um, she was hell on wheels. And I think the craziest part was how delusional I became. Like I thought, you know, no one could see the cracks and like, you know, how it builds and stuff. And like, it's, it's like, for me, it was like kind of a slow, like, okay, happy hours are starting earlier, like during COVID and stuff. And then all of a sudden it's like, there are no breaks. And it just, um, wasn't a physical dependence, but it was a, an emotional dependence. I had to have it to function to do anything. Um, and I don't think people understood how bad it was. Okay. Well, in the height of it, I was still functioning. I still had a job. I was still, you know, cleaning the house, laundry being done, you know, backpack lunches, packed shit like that, bills are paid. I never, I had like, I have a major case of like the not yets. Like I, you know, I never had a DUI. I didn't lose my family. I didn't, I didn't do all of these major, like basically legal consequences. But what I didn't have was, um, a healthy life. Like I didn't have trust in any of my relationships or honesty. I was irresponsible. I was unreliable. Um, inconsistent. I would say like, oh, I'll be there. Like even parenting, I'll be like, we'll do this and that. And like the day rolled around and I'm like, no, mommy can't do it. And that looking back is very brutal, but also thank God it's not that way anymore. But yeah, facing that stuff. And so that's how it was in the height of my addiction. It was pretty bad for two years, two full years. And then right before, like when I hit, my bottom, which actually the anniversary of my bottom was just a few days ago. And, um, I was at a meeting, my first meeting in a long time, you know, cause I had a baby and stuff. It was my first meeting since giving birth. And I was like, holy crap, I'm here. It was Easter Sunday. And they were talking about, um, you know, the transformation and the growth. And I'm like, oh my God, a year ago today, I was pregnant. Um, very early pregnant. And I got caught drinking by my husband. Um, and it was terrible. And he found the wine that I hid and, um, was like, what's your therapist's phone number. And I knew in that moment that if I didn't come clean with my therapist, he was going to, so it was like game over game over. So, um, the next or the next day was a Sunday. So it was miserable. And then the next day after that was a Monday. And I told her everything and I was like, oh, you know, I'm ready for every, I was like, I really, okay. Like I'll take this seriously. Cause you know, we had talked about it. I was there because I had been struggling. I had a therapist before refer me to her. Cause she had me take the MMPI and we never sat down again. She freed me the results. She sent me straight to my current therapist. Like there was just like girl, shit. And, um, I still don't know the results of that test. Like, oh shit, you are fucked up. And I was like, okay, like, okay. All right. And, um, like I'll try this new person. Like if you think she's young and cool, maybe we'll relate, but like, she's an addiction specialist. I should have known that. It was a trap. It was a trap. Walked right into it. So, um, after I hit my bottom and, um, I knew there was just, that was it. There was no more hiding it. One, I got caught and he found my one and only hiding spot. So, um, and if I wasn't going to come clean, he was going to do it for me. There was no way around it. And it wasn't, he wasn't just going to tell my therapist, like my family was going to be brought into this too. So it was, it was over. Um, and I was so miserable. I kind of think that I got sloppy, like unconsciously, subconsciously, like I knew it was over because when I found out I was pregnant, like not long before this happened, but I was trying to negotiate with myself and rationalize and justify, like, you know, some women don't even know they're pregnant yet. That's so early. Like I'll quit drinking at, you know, when it actually hits like five or six weeks and then five weeks came and left. And I was like, okay, the next week. And that's when this moment happened. Um, and so it came out my therapist, I just, you know, word vomited it all to her. And I was like, I'm ready for real, like, okay, I'll actually try this time. And she was like, whew, you are so far past the point of doing this at home. Like it's treatment. That is the option here. Um, and within two weeks or maybe even less than that, that I was in Utah, um, at treatment. So I went out there when I was pregnant. Um, and I'm not the first pregnant woman to go to treatment. I'm surely not the last, but that was just something that was a part of me when I was there. And then, you know, when I was out there, um, you were there when this happened, I went to the hospital and there was no longer a heartbeat when I was 10 weeks pregnant. So I went through that loss. Um, I think right after you got there, it was no need for very long. Um, and I experienced, you know, a miscarriage in rehab and I had to go through the DNC surgery, like all of that, 1600 miles away from home. Um, God, that shit breaks you.
Speaker 3Yeah. Yeah. I remember, I remember hearing about that and I just like all my problems, all my, you know, perceived issues in my life. And they kind of just like all went away at that moment because I was like, Oh my God, like I got some perspective in that moment. And I was like, she's going through one of the hardest things in any woman or family or anybody could ever go through. I've had it happen in my life. You know, my aunt has been through it. Um, several of my friends have been through it, but to do it so far from home, I mean, you probably never felt more alone in your life at that moment. Right. How did you get through that?
Speaker 4Oh my God. Um, I think the only reason I got through it because it happened to me while I was there, while I was in such a safe space and, um, God bless the staff there. I mean, you and I both know they were just incredible people, but no one pushed me immediately. They just sat back while, like, I remember being able to just say, fuck it to our schedules. And there, we're about like three days where I just did what I wanted. I didn't have to, you know, go to the gym or do group and I slept and I just cried. And then on my own, like with my own will, I slowly made it back to the groups. Um, and my therapist came in, like, I think the very next day though, cause I was at the hospital like midnight. Um, and I was with, you know, a tech who works there and thank God I was with this specific one. She was incredible. And, um, she got me through those first few hours. Absolutely. Um, and I'm still in contact with her. And, you know, when I got home and stuff, made sure she knew about like the good news when I got pregnant, when I got home. Um, but when my therapist came in and I was sleeping, he was like, Oh, sorry. I didn't want, I didn't mean wake you, but do you want to meet today? And I was like, fuck yes. And I grabbed my notebook. And we just sat in silence for a while. And we both just cried. Um, but this is a God shot for me. Like I, he was not supposed to be my therapist. I was lined up to have a different therapist who happened to meet me my first few hours. And then she was gone for the next like nine days out of town. And I was like, well, what the fuck, man? And so I got assigned to my, the therapist, I got assigned. And it was, that was the way, it was meant to be because him and his wife had gone through this. So because I found out, and then I had to wait over a week to have the procedure. So I remember being in group and saying like, I'm walking around with my dead baby in my body. And one day we had to like draw something and I drew like the ultrasound that I had seen. Um, I haven't talked about this in a long time. And so I was like, Oh my God, I can't believe it. I can't believe I'm hearing this today.
Speaker 3I appreciate it. I appreciate it. I know there's someone out there that needs to hear this. And, uh, you know, more recently in my treatment center that I was in, there was a guy in there that, um, had some horrible, horrible trauma in his childhood, just horrible abuse. And every day he was angry and angry. And so like, he just, you know, how am I supposed to forgive my mom for doing this to me? She, you know, every day, every day. And you know, all people did, all we did was just, we were just there. We just showed up and I didn't know what to do. And so I was like, I didn't have an answer, but I'll never forget this. I said something to him that, um, he said helped him a little bit was, uh, and it's one of the passages in, in, in, um, recovery literature is, you know, nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Right. And I said, you know what, like I said to this individual, what if, when, what if just hear me out? What if one day this happened to you because you're supposed to, or you are now able to help someone else go through it and not only help them go through it, but show them that you can stay sober through anything in life and you can get through it because he got through it. And it kind of, it just kind of shifted his perspective a little bit. And you know, that's not, I didn't come up with that idea. That's not me. Right. But that's something that I heard in recovery one time that, you know, maybe there's a reason for this to happen. It might be hard to grasp. It might be hard to understand, but maybe you have a unique opportunity to heal somebody else. Right. And in that moment, it sounds like, you know, the counselor you had who also helped me a lot, um, was able to do that. Right. And he didn't fix it. Right. He didn't fix you right away, but you said it, he was able to just shift your perspective
Speaker 4and start you on the path of healing. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah. And it was amazing. And again, like it wasn't a mistake that I landed with him. Um, and through my work with him, I came to just profound peace because that pregnancy, the baby that I lost, I mean, got me, got me sober, saved my life, saved my family, kept it together. I never in a million years would have gotten sober at the time. I mean, it's purpose that baby came to me with the sole purpose of getting me sober and saving me from myself. And, um, it did. And I have, well, so just, I basically, as soon as I got home, I got pregnant. Um, I didn't even know it was possible. We got to work. Um, I love it. Yeah. Um, I like had even tracked it and to make sure, because, you know, after a DNC, you're supposed to wait three months before you give it an effort. Um, and I didn't think I was even emotionally ready for it. I mean, shit, I was fresh in recovery. Like, Oh my God, it's pregnancy is hard. You're outside of your body anyways. Um, but I got pregnant immediately after, and we just had him, his name is Sam and he's the best, but, um, the way I look back at like the loss and Sam is the baby I lost, um, was Sam. He came to me with the purpose of getting sober and he returned to me when I was ready and able to
Speaker 3be a parent to him. That is so beautiful. And I love that you're able to reframe it, reframe it in a healthy light because it takes a lot of work to get there. I know that. And, uh, but that's the only way to find this inner peace because you need that, right. Or else you'll drink again. You know, I'm, I'm sure of it. I've drank and I've relapsed over, you know, the, the loudness of my mind many times. Right. So that's beautiful. I love that, that, you know, you're able to take that perspective, um, that, you know, why don't you talk a little bit about what, you know, what are you like now in recovery? I'm perfect. You know, no notes, just, um, um, kidding.
Speaker 4I go to a lot of therapy, um, right now, um, a lot of therapy, um, sober Sarah is just, she's the best. I, I mean, I, what sobriety has brought me is the realization that I, I am capable. I'm a capable fucking human being. I am capable of kindness and honesty and, um, big responsibilities and trust. And you can depend on me and rely on me. I will show up for you. Um, I am not, I mean, every day I'm still becoming the person I want to become. It's, and I'm, you know, right outside of my year sober. It's a long, I still don't really know who I am yet. And, but, um, it's not as scary anymore. Um, um, life is a lot happier and more manageable, even through the ugly. Um, it's something I can stand in every day and not be ashamed of. And even on those hard shitty days, even when I'm honest, like, look, I fucked up. I lied about this. I, I lied because of this reason, because lying, like not being honest is, was a huge part of the troll. Um, and like, Oh God, the sky is green. It's not blue. Like, you know, nothing. So, you know, old habits die hard. Even if I like lied by accident, it was, I mean, it's like a fucking reflex. So, um, I'm like, Oh shit. But that was like part of, my recovery program that I like personally have for myself. Like, you know, my personal recovery plan is if I lie and don't even mean to, I have 24 hours of, from when I figured out that I lied to make an amends and like come clean to that person and be like, Hey shit, man, I am so sorry. I said this and that's actually not what happened. Like, I don't know what, I don't know what happened. I don't know if that was an intentional lie or not. Sometimes it's both, you know? Yeah. I can relate to that so much.
Speaker 3Um, it's like default, like you said, right. It's, you know, I've heard it before. We're constitutionally incapable of being honest with ourselves, you know, for no reason we lie. The sky, the sky is green, you know, it's just this stop. You can't tell me differently. I'm right. You're wrong. Right. Yeah. How, how do you, um, like triggers are a big part of, of recovery, right. And, and drinking. And, you know, one thing that treatment did for me is it allowed me to identify those triggers and why I drank, you know, big reason of, of why I drank is, uh, and use drugs for me is I was always trying to control this interstate. Like if I'm not happy, I need to be happy. No, no, I can't be, I can't have pain in my life. I need to be happy. And I know what, how to do that. I'm going to take my medication, which is drugs and alcohol, and it provides this short-term kind of relief of the pain, but it brings a long-term consequences, right? So what, what kind of are your triggers and how do you handle them or cravings or, oh my God, he's so,
Speaker 4so well, I'm going to say the exact same thing. Um, rehab and that intense work helped me identify triggers. Like, oh, that's a trigger. I don't even know like what that even meant trigger. Like I thought that's what Gen Z said, but like, it is, no, I, I, I use that word now too. Um, the triggers for me was, or are, um, discomfort. Like you said, like, um, when I get anxious or I can't control the attention on me, like I want to be, you know, this super cute, fun, hilarious, like party person that is like caring and funny and like all of those things. And I thought the only, like, I was only that person with alcohol, um, and sometimes a little bit of drugs, but, um, it, that's not the case at all. I mean, I think for a little while I was, because I wasn't a huge drinker, like in high school and it came, to me in college. And so the way alcohol was introduced to me was in a party setting around all of these new people that I were, was meeting for the first time. Um, when I got to college and they all had experience with alcohol and they looked cool. They looked like they were having fun and carefree. And I was like, that's what I want. And it gave that to me immediately. And I was like, oh shit, I can, you know, meet a thousand people and like have a ton of friends. And it, um, that's what it did for me. So I think I've gotten sidetracked. Oh Christ.
Speaker 3Well, it's, it's like you, you bring up a important point of, uh, you know, what substances do for a lot of alcoholics and addicts is it brings a sense of community and connection. And, you know, we don't even know we're looking for it at the time. Right. But it brings this, and that's why spirituality is such a big part of my program today. Um, because I, I made alcohol and drugs, my higher power, right. For a long time, it brought me this like connection with the rest of the
Speaker 4world. I fit in, I feel okay. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like one of the cool kids. And I believed that through and through that I was only a cool, acceptable person with a cocktail on hand, like looking like something out of the magazine. Um, and just, it made like my head quieter, the insecurities just melted off of me. And I was the person I wanted to be. I was confident. I was you know, brave and ballsy, which I don't know why I thought I needed alcohol. I don't like I'm already. I was in, um, my women's group, which is not, um, like a formal, you know, we're just a group of girls who've been through, you know, IOP and treatment and stuff. Um, and someone had this great experience of being able to stand up for herself. And I was like, fuck yes. Like show the world your balls. Like, like we're in the big ball era. is. And Jesus Christ, Sarah. And I was like, can you imagine like the troll, like that's me sober and like, Oh God, just add a bunch of like a box of wine to it. Like she's out of control.
Speaker 3I love it. Great. I love it. Yeah. It's like this fine line between, um, acceptance of other people's actions and being a doormat, right? Like we didn't get sober to be doormats. At least I didn't. I know you didn't either. I'm not a doormat today, but at the same time, like what other people think of me is none of my business. You know what I mean? That's one of my favorite
Speaker 4quotes. It is my favorite quote. I repeat that to people all the time. And that's like, they should tell you that in school, like in middle school, because Holy shit, that right there just lifted. It freed me, freed me from myself, from my brain and like the worries, the insecurities that literally just trapped me in misery. And trapped me in the cycle of having, like feeling like I had to have alcohol to not be
Speaker 3some insecure person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. Um, what's it like, you know, being a mother in recovery and addiction, I can only imagine you alluded to that a little bit, right? You weren't able to show up. You weren't able to, you know, let's do this. You know, mommy's going to take you and do this. And then, you know, no mommy's too sick or whatever that like, you know, that breaks my heart, but I totally understand. It, right. Just, we're not able to show up in our lives when we're, we're in active addiction because we're focused on either recovering from alcoholism or the drunk. And when I mean recovering, it's like sleeping on the couch, not doing healthy things.
Speaker 4Yeah. Um, like recovering over or like a bender.
Speaker 3Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Or, or apologizing to the mistakes you made and the people you screwed over or wondering what you did last night.
Speaker 4Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, being a parent in recovery is, uh, hard. It's really hard. Um, it was really hard in rehab. When I got there, I was not the only parent and that was amazing. There was someone else who was there. Their parenting situation was different than mine. They weren't in under the same roof as their child. Um, and so, and their child was much younger. Not that that takes away how fucking hard it is to make the decision and leave. And I think part of being an AMA gremlin in rehab was I was like, I can't do this. I can't be away from my daughter anymore. Like I gotta go. I gotta need, I need her. She needs me. And my husband was like, why are you coming home? You weren't present while you were here. And he was right. He was right. And then that same day that, um, trauma therapist, Ashley, who I just, damn, she would just, she was just, with it. I relate to her. Um, she was like, when you think that you need to go home and that you can't do this and you can't be away from your family anymore, that is not you. That is your disease. Cunning, baffling, powerful. It is your disease telling you, you can't do this. You must leave because it doesn't want you. Well, it wants you sick. And if you leave now, you give it what it wants and you are just fucked. You will, you won't make it to the airport. And she didn't say those words, but like, I knew that for me. And so that was, that was my big aha moment in treatment. Like, holy shit. Um, that's the disease. If I let it go, I'll never be able to parent again. Being a parent, a drunk parent in recovery is hard. Um, even on the hardest days, it's easier than being, um, a drinking parent and hiding it because, you know, she would, I'd be like, oh, why don't you go find, see if you can find like, two blue pens. And while she was off on this scavenger hunt, which was so fun, I would run and try and, you know, like drink a glass of wine really fast. So I wasn't doing it in front of her. Um, and she was young when it was like pretty bad, but she remembers and that is brutal, but it is real. And this is raw. Like she went to church for Sunday school with my mom after I came home and, you know, Jesus made wine or whatever. And they had this craft and I was like, oh, and like on the craft from Sunday school is like wine, like a huge wine glass that she colored. And she was like, oh, mommy, you used to drink wine. And I was like, mommy did used to drink wine, but she didn't do that anymore because it made her sick. And that was that. And I mean, I didn't know what else to say, but she remembers. And I'm just glad that like, I caught it when I did. So the trauma I've, you know, impacted her with isn't going to be as bad, hopefully.
Speaker 3Yeah. No, it's true. I mean, I was reading, um, when I was in, again, this last treatment that I was in, uh, you know, four, four months ago or so, one of the counselors always referenced the study, um, that was done where, you know, a bunch of, um, parents and children were taken through, you know, they, they measured basically what, you know, the effects of addiction and alcoholism on the kids. And then they measured the effects of recovery and the parents watching the kids watching their parents struggle with it and then get through it. And the, the results were like unanimous where the children grew up to be much healthier, happier, you know, less addicted to drugs, less in jail, all these good things, you know, better social skills when they witnessed their parents going through recovery and getting through alcoholism and, and fighting it. And the
Speaker 4kids became more resilient themselves. Right. I send me that because I need that. I need the reminder that what I did like is going to hurt her because I'm only building, if I can build myself up, I'm building her up. But I mean, I had this conversation in a family weekend when Nathan was there for family weekend and rehab. And, uh, the therapist leading the group was talking about how in his family, no matter what happens, like he goes to his home group meeting, he does like X amount of recovery work every single week, because if he doesn't, he can't be there. And that is the truest part. That is like one, one thing that I realized when I get home, you have to be selfish in it. Like, I'm sorry if you are burnt out, but if I don't go to a meeting, we will crumble. We will
Speaker 3fall. I have to take care of it. And yeah. Yeah. And I think it's an important, very important point is, and they've drilled that into my head too, is like, if I don't put recovery before all else, before my wife, before my mom, before my kid, whatever, I don't have any kids yet, but if I don't, if I don't put my recovery first, none of those things will happen. I can't be a mom. I can't be a dad. I can't be a brother. I can't be a husband without my recovery coming first. Right. So it's, it's an important point. And it is selfish in, in, on paper, maybe when you, when you look at it that way, but at the end of the day, it's, it's, and when you said it myself, I'm building her. And, and it's amazing. We don't realize what kids retain and what kids,
Speaker 4they're very observant creatures, you know, like a sham. Wow. She pokes it all in my, I don't even know I spilled that much, but she, yeah, she's very, she absorbs it all. She picks it all up. And so I always know I'm watching or being watched. Um, and damn, like I got to watch my mouth around her too, because
Speaker 3what, what's, um, if you could go back to and maybe talk to your younger self, um, you know, struggling with alcoholism today, what, what do you think you would say to that,
Speaker 4that, that to Sarah? Oh, um, gosh, I, you know, I was reading over that and I don't think I have like profound words or anything. Um, because my intense struggle, I mean, it was two years, but it wasn't as long. And I wasn't as young. It wasn't formative years. I was in my thirties. Um, what would I say to her to just wave the white flag? As soon as I saw the red flag, like, because it is, it is game over. And as soon as you say game over, it becomes game on and like, let's just go. Like I, it, it means me to know how much time I wasted not getting help. But I also understand that's part of my journey. No regrets. It's just painful. You can't regret it. You know, I don't close the door on my past. Um, I reflect on it and I grow from it and I appreciate it in a lot of ways.
Speaker 3Yeah. I love that. I've never heard that before. That's amazing. You know, wave the white flag before, you know, when you see the red flag, um, because there was a lot of red flags, you know, and sometimes it takes a husband or, you know, or a family member to, to say, Hey, look at all this damage over there that you just caused, you know, look at, look at, look at your daughter. Look at, I know that, you know, for Rebecca, my wife did this for me too, is, um, she took videos of me when I was like at my lowest and those are painful. Right. But I need
Speaker 4to see those. I need to remember when. Yeah. There's a video and I, well, it is the worst thing. I think I have seen part of it once because I couldn't finish it. Um, and yeah, I, it was a few years ago. I was passed out from like a, I don't know, like 4th of July or labor day weekend at the pool that we're a member of. And I had gotten. wasted because everyone was getting wasted. But I had probably like matched drinks with everybody there. However, I had been drinking before I got there because I was an alcoholic. So I am an alcoholic. So I passed out and passed out hard. Like, literally, I don't you could have hit me with a dump truck. And I would have slept through it. And my daughter tried to wake me up and was like, Mommy, what's wrong with mommy? Why won't mommy wake up? And he took a video of that and sent it to me. So when I came out of being passed out, I had that on my phone. And it is just terrible. And that was the the darkest moment that I have video proof of. Um, I hate even talking about it. I never talked about it. But I'm, God, it is. It is what it is. And it's part of my story.
Speaker 3Part of your story. But also, I think we need to remember when because for me, at least, if I pick up again, I'm going to go back there. Right. And, you know, for more specifically for me, if it makes you feel better, too, I have a video of me lying on the bathroom floor in our condo. You know, telling her that I couldn't move and I was paralyzed and I was slurring my words because I was on a million benzos and stimulants at the same time. And I, it just it's like, it's like watching another person, right? Like, it's, it's like a monster
Speaker 4laying on that floor is in the dungeon. And there it is right in front of you. You have video proof of it. Like, it's funny. You can't dispute it. There is no sky is green, bitch. Like, it's real. That's you. You. That's, that's you. And I don't keep that video because I erased it immediately. But I will say when I found out I was pregnant and was converting the, I call it my vanity room because it was an extra bedroom that I made my closet and like my get ready room. And I miss it, but it is the nursery. And I was so worried of what like evidence I left behind when I went to rehab that I was going to find as I cleaned it all out. And I would hide, I would get a box of wine. And I would throw, you know, the cardboard away. And I would take just the bladder of the bag and I would hide it in my rain boots. And that was my hiding spot. And I was like, I'm so fucking clever. And I, I do think I am clever. Like, my husband's just gonna go searching through his wife's rain boots. Like that was clever. And like, I'm not trying to give tips to anybody, but bought me some time. Um, but so I was always so paranoid because, you know, on those bags, like on a nozzle, it has like that silver, like foil that covers that you have to take off. And I was so paranoid in my drinking that he was going to find those silver tabs that I kept them all in one spot because I thought he would, but those tabs are on like lotion, face wash, sunscreen, like they're everywhere. I don't think his first thought would have been like, oh, she's hiding wine in her rain boots. I was, I was like, oh no, paranoia at its finest, at its finest. And so when I was cleaning it out, I found where I put them all and I found 11 foil tabs. And those are just the ones I saved. That's 11 boxes of wine that it's 44 bottles of wine. And I kept them, they are in a clear bag. And so when the troll comes up, because I've taken the foot off the gas and I haven't, you have to stay at a hundred percent with your recovery work. And that's the hardest part. But because when, when I dropped down to 90%, the troll is like, oh girl, like I see the crack. This is my time. And I keep those 11 tabs as a reminder. Like it is one, one is 11 boxes of wine. One drink is this, like I can't ever drink again.
Speaker 3I love that. I love that. And it's, it's so true. Right. I don't know what's going to happen if I pick up again, but I have a good idea that it'll be worse because I've proven that to myself.
Speaker 5Yeah.
Speaker 3And that's great. That's a great reminder. A good remember when, you know, I'm sure out there right now, you know, as we're talking, there's a parent, you know, a mom, a parent struggling with addiction or alcoholism that doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know, you know, who to call, what to say, thinks they're the only person in the world that is going through what they're going through. What, what would you say to that mom or that parent right now?
Speaker 4Gosh, I'm so glad you brought this up because, you know, it's nerve wracking. When I got home, I found such a benefit in sharing and recovering out loud. Like truly, that is a part of my program that I work. Like, let me just be honest. If you don't, if it makes you cringe, first off, fuck, just imagine how cringe it is for me. Like that was me who did it and who said that shit and like, oh my God. But I do it because it heals me and it does help. I do it because it heals me and it does help. And I'm like, you know, I've had other people reach out to me and I'm like, whatever you need, you're not alone. If you have questions, I will tell you the answers and you'll know I'm being honest because the answers are pretty gross and like they're, it's tough, tough answers. And the only way to manage it is to just wave the flag and ask for the help and start the work. And it's so hard. The first part is so hard. Um, I, to any parent struggling, I want them to know that they can, that they can leave. They can do this work. They can leave their children and go to treatment and be away from their families. And when they think they can't, they just need to know that's their disease. It's not them because they can. You're just, you are stronger and more resilient than you think. You just, you don't figure that out while you're in the madness.
Speaker 3Yeah. Oh my God. I love that. That's powerful. I couldn't agree more. Well, that was amazing. Um, thank you so much, Sarah. I really appreciate, you know, you coming on and sharing your story. I know it's not easy and, um, but I know that, you know, hopefully one person will benefit from it. That's what I always try to go into the mindset of. Uh, and that's why I love doing this. You know, it keeps me sober, but it also hopefully can help somebody else. And, uh, I think you did a great job today. So I really appreciate you.
Speaker 4Yeah. I appreciate being asked. I'll do this a thousand times. My camera is wiggling right now. Cause I borrowed my fat cat, Susan. And now like, I never see this bitch. She just hopped in the truth. She wants to add some effect to the video. Susan, who was like, you know, also a decision I made while drinking. And I was like, let's adopt a cat.
Speaker 3And now you're dealing with it. Right. I love it.
Speaker 4He doesn't love it. So yeah.
Speaker 3Amazing.
Speaker 6Thank you. I love it. Thanks, Sarah.
Speaker 4All right. It was so good seeing you.
Speaker 6Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel and like share and subscribe for more content. The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational purposes only. This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice, addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please consult a licensed physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional. You are no longer alone. We'll see you next time.
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