A Life-Changing Script for Kids With Negative Self-Talk (Forgetful, ADHD) #459

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Do you have a child who beats himself or herself up saying things like I'm so stupid. I know this can be painful to watch. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the calm parenting podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin founder of celebrate calm and you can find us in the final few days of our Black Friday sale in March at celebrate calm.com. For new listeners, we did this because our audience has grown a lot since the holidays. And we wanted you to have an opportunity to take advantage of our lowest prices on our downloadable programs, plus it's fun. And it's our company. We do whatever we want. We decided it. We're just like your kids. So this podcast was prompted by a mom who said this and I'm sure many of you can relate. Hey, if I say, hey, bud, you forgot your lunchbox again today, you need to try to remember it next time. It will cause my son to pitch a 20 minute crying fit, calling himself an idiot, dumb, bad kid. I would never talk to him that way and listening to him do it to himself is painful. And I know this is hard and the mom didn't do anything wrong, but it just won't work with our intense, highly sensitive kids. So let's dig into why this went downhill, what we can say and do differently next time and some ways to use this to teach your kids new skills for the future. And I just want to say when I was working on this today, I had this feeling of like, oh, this is a good foundational one. This is a podcast I would share with other parents. Well, you can judge that later if you think it's as good as I think it's going to be, but I think it honestly could be very life changing for your kids and for your family. So it's important to get inside the head and the heart of our kids and that can mean strong will kids, neurodivergent, ADHD, ASD, highly sensitive kids. These are kids who often feel like they're swimming upstream in life. They feel like everything is kind of stacked against them. They have a lot of energy, but they get in trouble if they can't sit still at school. Fidgeting actually helps them process information and think better, but they get in trouble for that. They get along better with little kids, animals and older people, but are forced to try to connect with the kids that they are least likely to get along with for the first 18 years of their life. They often feel left out. They're not naturally good at the kid world. So it feels like everyone is trying to fix them or correct their behavior and it's unrelenting. So they begin internalizing that there is something wrong with them, with their very nature and they do have some natural weaknesses. One of them is short term memory. They're often forgetful and disorganized. Now here's the hard part. School success is largely dependent on having good short term memory. Although life success is not because in school you have to memorize and remember information for timed tests. Again, something you don't have to do later in life and this short term memory struggles will impact reading comprehension. Sometimes too many characters with odd names in a book can get jumbled in their brains and they tend to have these really busy brains. They're kind of animated and energized by larger ideas, not little facts they don't care about. It kind of feels like socks tumbling in a dryer and this creates anxiety, anxieties caused by unknowns, which is why they try to control situations and other people. We've been through this, why they put acorns in their pockets. It's why they sometimes cheat or change the rules of the game because that guarantees or controls the outcome of the game because losing means I'm a loser. It's why transitions and changes and plans cause so much distress. So their number one job in life as a kid is what? To do well in school. It's what all the adults care about. They get report cards and yet success and yet success is based on doing things they are not naturally good at doing. Sitting still in class, listening to someone talk about things they're not interested in, memorizing information for a timed test, writing about topics they find stupid. And it's made worse if they have dysgraphia or difficulty with fine motor skills. These are independent kids whose number one value is their own agency and independence and success requires them to follow directions, to wait in line, to not talk and 15 other things that they're just not good at doing. So sometimes their entire childhood feels like every adult is reminding them to do something they're not good at doing. So there's your backdrop. So when mom innocently and even thoughtfully, kindfully added a simple reminder, hey, you forgot your lunchbox again today. You need to try to remember it next time. What she is saying is, hey, I don't want you to get to school and then be hungry at lunchtime because I love you. I'm not lecturing you. I'm not mad or angry at you. I just love you and want you to have your lunch today. That's what mom wants her son to hear. But this is what our kids feel inside. I know. I know I'm not good at this. And you just reminded me again that I stink at this and don't know how to get better at it. I beat myself up for this all the time. It's just one more reminder that there's something wrong with me, that I'm deficient less than others. And everyone is always watching me fail and reminding me of it. So that is why you get that reaction, that internal implosion. And I can understand that maybe you can as well. I feel that at times when I'm put in situations in which I feel helpless or overwhelmed and I want to scream, I'm not good at this. Why are you only focusing on the things that I'm not good at and then watching me in my helplessness? It hurts. It's painful. It feels like way too much work to actually be good at certain things. Now, here's one more analogy. Let's say you're a project manager or engineer or kind of a left brain person. And every day your boss pops his or her head into your office and reminds you of your lack of creativity. Hey, remember, I need you to be someone you're not and be good at things you'll never actually master. And by the way, your grade or in this case, your performance review and paycheck are dependent on that. You'd feel defeated. You'd want to scream. But that's not my core competency. Why do you keep bringing that up? You knew when you hired me. That wasn't my skill set. You'd want to quit and find a new job. But our kids are kind of stuck in this hopeless job for 12 years. So with that as the backdrop, how can we handle this differently? And again, there's no blame and no guilt, moms and dads. You're doing the best you can. It's just that these kids are so different. Number one, to be clear, I would not say, hey, you need to try to remember it next time. That's what triggers the negative self-talk. It's the embarrassment that comes along with it. Knowing he's not naturally good at remembering those things. He already knows that. And this feels kind of like rubbing it in. Number two, normalize this. Normalize that he isn't good at remembering things like his lunchbox. And I love, love, love this language. Of course you forget little things like your lunchbox. Why would a boy your age even think about things you don't care about or that don't really matter to you? You should have your mind on other things like video games, playing with your friends, eating junk from the pantry and leaving food wrappers laying around. Now I did that once so you kind of say this with a smile. Normalize childhood. This is what boys and girls your kids age should do. And I think it's proper context. Sometimes we expect kids to act like mature 35-year-olds. Look, we're adults. We get paid to care about stuff we don't care about. We have responsibilities for other people, spouse and kids. So we have to manage the details because that's called being responsible. But kids should have their heads in the cloud a bit, right? Wondering when they're going to get to play and skip rocks or eat ice cream or gorge on screens. I'm not saying you should let them do those things, but they should be thinking of those things. Teens and tweens are going to be consumed with friendships and distracted by thoughts of boys and girls because they've got hormones raging and social media is not helping any of that. But here's the more important response I want to focus on. And I do think with the right context, this can be life-changing for your kids. So it's 9 p.m. and your child casually says, "Oh, I need my uniform for tomorrow's game." Sound familiar? Skylight keeps every practice, game, chore and school activity in one place. So you eliminate those last-minute surprises that upset your kids. Skylight calendars syncs seamlessly with all your calendars and visually displays your family schedule on an HD touchscreen. Skylight is like having an assistant coach, the good one who always remembers the snacks and is on top of everything. Import a month of your kid's sports schedule in a snap. Skylight's free mobile app updates instantly, keeping the whole family in the loop. If in four months you are not 100% thrilled with your purchase, you can return it for a full refund. No questions asked. Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15-inch calendars by going to MySkylight.com/parenting. That's MySkylight.com/parenting. So go to MySkylight.com/parenting. Think what it would mean to your child if you said this. Of course you forget little things like your lunchbox. That's because you have this strategic brain that is always focused on bigger thoughts and ideas. You get energized by how things work. That's why you tinker with machines and gears, trying to figure out how it all fits together and works. You are processing ideas because that's what you care about. That's what innovators and inventors do. They spend their brain power thinking of ideas that change the world or make money. Look, you've been able to see patterns in things since you were little. You just start putting puzzles together and we were amazed by it. You didn't even need to read the directions when you got new Lego building sets. You'd even mix and match pieces and create your own sets. So you'll probably always struggle with remembering little details and that's how it should be. Your brain should be focused on solving problems. You're focused on the right things, Matthew. Now, when I was writing and saying that, I could feel myself inside kind of crying a little bit. Why? Because our kids have never had someone tell them the truth and this is the truth. Instead, what they have heard in subtle ways is, yeah, that's really sweet and cute that he likes to play with Legos and has all these fanciful ideas and daydreams. But he really needs to be buttoned up and focused and remember his lunchbox. How will he be like me one day if he doesn't? Now, there's no blame or guilt, but sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we think kids are supposed to be doing or comparing them to other kids and subordinating their individuality to just this general thing of like, well, all kids are supposed to do this, that we don't step back and really see our kids as they are. So we're not done yet. I'm going to add more, but let's break this down. I want you to give your kids proper context like this. Nothing I said above is untrue. It's all true and put in proper context. Now, you need to fill in the blank for your own child with specifics. Specifics really help. Because when you say something like, oh, you've always been able to see patterns and things since you were little, you just start putting puzzles together and we were amazed by it. That will resonate deeply within your kids because that is truth with a capital T. That is the real them. You're seeing them for who they are. And they will think back to those days when they put those puzzles together and they'll begin to see themselves differently. So really put some thought into this. If your child is really creative, then notice that. And no creative people usually struggle with short term memory and details. But they have so many different advantages in life and I want you to really call that out. Continually reinforce this for your kids because society and schools are going to beat your kids down. And they're going to try to get them to be like everybody else. Everybody's trying to change their nature instead of working with it. Hey, of course you struggle in this area because your brain and heart are focused on more important things. It's kind of like knocking Einstein because he would wander aimlessly across the Princeton University campus. It's like knocking Michelangelo. You're not really good at accounting. It's like knocking Tom Brady because he isn't good with doing electrical work in the home. Although he probably is good at that. So everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Society just tends to only point out what our kids are not good at doing. No one points out that life's success is dependent on good critical and good strategic thinking skills. See, that's what companies pay money for. But that's for another podcast episode. Now, number three, now we can transition to giving your child tools to help with the natural weaknesses. But it's not the only your primary focus. See, when I say I don't like some of these diagnosis in the labels, I'm not denying that our kids have weaknesses. They do. But instead of just defining them by their weakness, I want to define them by their strengths and then gives them practical ways to overcome some of their weaknesses. So now, and look, you don't have to say all of this in one sitting with your child. I throw out scripts and you can do them in small little pieces. I like planting seeds. So one thing that you can say with your child is, hey, so let's come up with some ideas you'll be able to use for the rest of your life to remember things. So you can use that awesome brain of yours to solve problems, to create, to invent things, to come up with business ideas. You're not denying that your child has challenges and weaknesses. You're not excusing them. You're just putting them in proper context and then giving your child tools to mitigate some of the weaknesses. And you could look, you can definitely challenge your child. Hey, why don't you think of some creative ways to help you remember your lunchbox? So here's some ideas. Let's have your son be responsible for packing his or her own lunch. You can help make some things, but your child has to put it together. If possible, just let him make his own sandwich and put stuff together because then he's more likely to remember it. Show him how to put little post-it notes on his backpack as a reminder to grab his lunchbox before he runs out the door. I do this every single day. I do not want to waste brainpower trying to remember little things. I would rather have my head thinking about ideas like this podcast. That brings me joy and satisfaction and meaning and hopefully it helps you. So I sent myself emails that I will see very clearly as a reminder in the morning and I snooze them so I see them in the afternoon. I have some that come up every night at 6pm, some at every night at 8pm. So I notice that before I go to bed and that way I don't have to waste brainpower like, okay, remember that, remember that, remember that. I leave little notes by the front door or underneath my car keys because that way I know I'm going to see it. If we're going hiking or on a trip the next day, we've got this little cooler and I'll leave that or a couple oranges on the floor by the front door on the kitchen counter as a visual reminder. That way I have to trip over these things to not see them. The night before, I'll often lay out my clothes and put things on top of the clothes or even in the pockets ahead of time. Knowing I am susceptible to having 15 different thoughts racing through my brain in the morning while I'm in the shower and then I get out. And I know my weaknesses and I plan for them but I don't spend all day thinking, oh, I'm so terrible at that. I'm like, no, I'm terrible at that and I know it. So here's what I do about that. Teach your kids how to start doing this. Definitely start with showing him how to leave notes. My guess is that since he isn't being bugged about this, it will free his creative brain to come up with some creative or even weird ways to remind himself about these things that you and I would have never even thought of because our kids will sometimes use technology. Or it might be, hey, Alexa, remind me tomorrow morning at 7.22 a.m. to take my lunchbox. See, that would be a great one. Now, when your child does this well, notice it. Hey, nice job with that. I like how creative your solution is. I mean, heck, I would just put the lunchbox in the car the night before as long as it doesn't need to be refrigerated unless you live where we are and don't have a garage, then you've got your refrigeration. Right? It's not like I haven't done that one before. Then whatever, see, whatever I didn't want to forget is already in the car and I don't have to think about it all night. I always volunteer. Look, when we go hiking, I always take my car. Why? Because when we're switching stuff out of the cars, I don't want to miss some of my gear. So when they do that, well, notice it. Hey, doing a really good job with that. Now, when they mess up, no big deal. Hey, been doing really well for that. So we just hop back on the bus. It's not a big deal. Nonverbals are also very helpful. You could always just hand him the lunchbox without saying a word and just keep walking by so you don't draw any attention to it. When he messes up, my first question would not be what happened or why did you forget it? It would be, so what were you thinking about instead? Anything interesting? Again, you were putting this in proper context. I would let your kids listen to our programs. Like the Strong World Child one, Stopping the Power, Struggles the Strong World Child, the ADHD University one. Because this is how their brains work and they will feel so good about themselves and they'll get new ideas to help themselves throughout life. I get emails all the time from parents who are like, oh, my daughter listened to you say, oh, it's not about managing your time. It's about managing your energy. And she said, everybody's always talked to me about managing my time and I'm not good at it. But I get this energy thing because I hyper focus and I do. See, let your kids listen because it's about their brains and your kids are so smart. They will really take ownership. Okay, let's do this now. Let's begin making some notes, including specific examples of your child using his or her natural gifts and strengths. So we can begin providing proper context and building their confidence and do this routinely. These scripts and affirmation and context will change how your child views himself or herself and how you see them. See, if you say these things routinely, man, it will change things. And we as parents have no qualms about continually reminding our kids of things they're doing wrong. Why don't we reverse that? Do that for the next week. Here's your challenge. For the next week, notice everything that they're doing well. Begin calling out their different gifts. Many of your kids do see patterns. By the way, chess checkers arguing with you. They know the pattern because they know what you're going to say before you say it. It makes them really good at sales and persuasion as well because they can see the pattern in that argument. Let's start reminding them of their gifts. That'll change them inside. It'll change how grandparents and teachers and others see your child. Okay, I'm going to keep this short because I think this script and approach can be incredibly powerful. All right, mom's, dad's, grandparents, this is your challenge for the next week. I can't wait for you to do this. Even if your kids are really young and they don't fully understand, begin speaking the words to them, over them, in front of them to grandparents, to the preschool teacher to say, "Oh, man, here's, you can't believe what is going on in my son's brain." And they will hear that instead of just saying, "Well, struggles with focus and attention and has a lot of energy." No, here's what I know about my child. See, that builds their confidence. You're setting the tone and changing how everyone sees them. Okay, love you all, respect you all for this. This is the last few days of the Black Friday in March sale. Take advantage of that. And if you need help with that, reach out to Casey. All right, you guys are crushing it. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.