A Gender Traitor's Guide To Dating w/ Jordan Jensen | Your Mom's House Ep. 828

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Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more or visit cigars international.com/YMH and the discount applies automatically some exclusions apply. -Fully retarded. -Fully retarded. -Fuck and retarded. -Do that one. -Fuck and retarded. -Do that one. -Fuck and retarded. -Do Sockosufle guy saying mentally retarded? Is that him? -No. -Sockosufle king. -Sockosufle king. -Yes. -Who said mentally retarded? It sounded like a newscaster, like somebody. -Oh, yeah. You're right. You're right. That is a- -Lary king. -No, that's just like an old, old advertising thing where they- -Oh, yeah. -Or they're like, the mentally retarded can live a normal- -Fully retarded. -I think it was for like a product. Like this is a fully retarded product, meaning, you know, that it can stop, like in, and yeah, whatever. -I got you. -Dore it down. -Okay. Dore it down. -Dore it down. -Okay. -Dore it down. -Weakly and fully retarded. -That clip. -That clip got you so good time back then. -Story time? -Yeah. -Story time. -Yeah. -Dore it down. -Dore it down. -Dore it down. -That was great. -Dore it down. It was the best. -Yeah. -You are completely retarded. -Yeah. -Retarded. -Retarded. -You're fucking retarded. -That'd be so retarded. -I'm not retarded. -Yeah. -I'd be retarded. -Yeah. -I'd be retarded. -I'd go retarded. -Oh. -I was going knucker in the head one day out here inside the garage because she called me and I was retarded. -I retarded. -I'd go in one of the claw hammers. -Yeah. -Lizeman. -That's true. -Lizeman. -You know what? -It was one coming in here in a minute. -Oh, hi. -Thanks, Heather Mills. I just wanted to refresh everybody. -Hey, I thought it. -I don't like artwork. I did have my husband, Tim. I'm not putting it up for sale yet, but I have increased the price of fuck around and find out to $60,000 now. -Oh. -On the YMage website. I'm just so proud of this and I feel like I want people to enjoy it and cherish it. -It's really flattering. Thank you for doing that. It's really cool. -You got it, pal. -Mapa. -I hate that shit. -Pom-pom. -Fuck that. -That's how I refer to my parents. -Can you start calling Charo that? -I don't want this to get stained. -That's so good. -A lot. So good. It sounds like Sydney Swini. -Yeah, so you have your beautiful artwork. -Your lip shits. -Oh, yeah. By my lip shits, everybody, I am wearing right now on my face a brownie product that will be revealed in the winter time for Christmas. I'm just going to say it's very exciting, very amazing. ChristinaP.com, you can get my flagship colors, the perfect red, Madison, Berlin, and Atomic Red. Buy all four for the lady in your-- -You graciously sent gifts of them to the set when I was on and I gave it to the makeup department and they all put it on and then they were like, "Hey, you sold more because everyone was like, where'd you get that?" And then they ordered it. -No, wait a sec. -Well, thanks, Tom Hanks. I appreciate it. -That was awesome, man. -Thank you. You're very handsome. I'm going to draw on more pictures of your nude body. -Thanks for the details. -Do you know that our fucking cat went to the vet today for a stupid-- -It's a scratch, right? -Of course, scratch on her. Her, I misgendered her cat. -Yes. -And you know the vet fucking said? -What? -This cat has jinge ofitis. -Jinge ofitis? -And I was like, dude, what fucking cat doesn't have jinge ofitis? Or what dog? -Yeah. -They all do. You got to brush the cat's teeth. I'm like, who the fuck is brushing their teeth? -What about the scratch? What did they say about that? -It's just a little boop. You just put some ointment on it and it goes away. But I mean, don't tell me to brush the cats or the dog's teeth. Nobody does that, right? -Well, I think some people do. -You guys brush your fucking cat's teeth. Normal people aren't doing this. -I used to. -When I had a cat. -Every day? -No. But yeah, I would. Every now and then. -I'm surprised by you, Annie. You're so different today. You went from, he was very different today in the meeting. -How so? -He's just, he's code switching. -Oh. -He came in a lot. -You know, I get accused of that a lot. -You. -Yeah, people say that I do that a lot. You know why? -Why? -It's because we mixed, man. We had to. -It's also, it's not abnormal. People don't realize that they do it. -I do it, too. -Yeah, but people do it. People always think in terms of just race. But you also code switch based on people's age and the setting you're in. If you're in a bank and you're meeting the manager, you do a version of a code switch. If you're with someone's grandparents, you're not like, "What's up?" You don't, you walk in, you speak to people differently. That's just a normal thing to do. -I also think people just don't do it well. -Right. -When somebody does it well, they're like, "What are you doing?" -What are you doing? -You do the same thing. You just can't do it, right? -Because the worst, the worst, to me, the cringiest comedy movies, and they've done these with the top talent in the field, is when they have the white person who's like, "You have a new black friend." And then the spin in the movie is like, he puts on a gold chain and he goes, "What's up, my brother?" And everyone's like, "That's hilarious." And you're like, "That is awful." It's just like a cartoon version of, like, "I'm in a rap video." And it's so cringy, it's so bad. -It's so bad. -What's that? Shout out to Locuesha. -Shout out to Locuesha. -Oh, Locuesha. -Oh, yeah. -Baby, I got some advice for you today. -Yeah. -Yeah, it's the best. -Who did that again? Refresh my memory. -Dude, how did they get it scrubbed? -What sort of guy? -Like, I find it so crazy that you can't, like, maybe on some, a site where, you know, I don't know, like, a reddit or something, they have it up, but they, like, the trailer was gone. Or you can watch it on TV. -Well, they've scrubbed Revenge of the Nerds. -No, no, no, no. -Near me? You can't even see Revenge of the Nerds. -See, if you can pull up this trailer anymore, I could not find it. -Did they release it? -No way. -Yeah, it came out. -Is it still up in way? -Because this was gone. -We couldn't find this trailer. -We need a viewing party. What are we doing? -You always seem to say the right thing, just the right person. -What's your secret? -This looks like why? -You're just talking to myself. I'm going to get my own charge for my advice. -Well, you should, because it was amazing. I saw this, and I thought of it. You will be a hit in no time. -Welcome to the Joe Show. I submitted myself to a radio station for my own show. -Well, congratulations. They rejected me. -What? -I'm congratulations. -That's what I write for your show. Jason skipped it. You need to get the money for this school. -Come on, let's hear it. -13,000 a semester. -Here it comes. -That's me, Joe Show. -That was a black woman. -I did perfect. -This is so exciting. -She's brilliant. -I know. -Get her in. -The biggest thing in radio, but I still need my anonymity. -You know this? -All right. -It's not a crime. -It's theater. -You live with low-quees. -What's your problem? -Hi, low-quees. That is crazy. -Oh, I ain't talking to you. Not the way you sound. Next call. -You go, girl. -You just be good to her. If you go to yourself, you can be good to others. Don't be too good 'cause the police are coming around. -It's like it's not a horrible job. -No. -That's the problem. -Okay. -We're good. -Oh, shit, it's you. -The problem, the thing is, when you do these, you have to nail it. You know what I mean? -Right. -You can do this. -Oh, right, it's usually. -If you can really, if you just have it degrees off, then you go like. -You have to have roots in that culture. -I don't know if you have to have roots in the culture. -You have to have roots in the culture. -But your representation of it has to be spot on. If you nail it, then everyone goes, "That's fucking. Yeah, you did it." -It's amazing. -Well, that's true. Well, that's true 'cause we've had the comedian in here. It just wasn't here when I was gone. My brain is adult from opioids. -Gary Owen. -Gary Owen. -Yeah, but he just is a good comedian who. He knows a culture and he knows how to make observations. And he's being himself. He's not doing a caricature. He's not being like, "What did he is?" Like, he doesn't come out like that. -Yeah, he's just being himself. And he's also been immersed in a culture. So he has nailed that. But I'm saying that movie can be done well if you are. Like, you could do the impression. If your impression is like. - It's spot on. - It's spot on. - And the people are like, oh my God. Are you good? - Yeah, you're good. - Girl! - Yeah. - You out your mind! - Yeah. - And everyone's like, keep saying, you know shit, little quick, like it's nonsense. It just, you feel like you're what? - Well, this is a sketch. - I mean, it's too generic. It needs to be more specific. - Yeah. - We need to, if he really took time to create a black lady character, maybe. - God, it's like Russell Peters. Russell Peters does that shit right. You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, he knows. - He knows that culture, but he nails it, yeah. - He does that for, I would say almost, every time he does, I've been at shows with him where he'll literally be like, we're the Sri Lankan people at. - Yeah. - And they go, hype up, and then he does something just for them. And then he does something for Cantonese, speaking, Mandarin speaking, and then Northern India, because he knows them so well, and he does the accent perfectly and his reference is perfect, you know? So it's like, it's just about actually nailing it. - Well, I've heard you talk white guy, and you do it really well. Like I've watched you do white stuff. - White it up. - Oh my God, like when you do phone call and you go, hi, how are you today? I'm good, how are you? Like I wanna blow my brains out, 'cause to me it's such a stupid thing. Like why would you ask somebody that if you're not gonna wait for the answer? It's just a, it's a nicety that fucking rage is my soul. - It's a white one out of it. - But why people love it? - Yes, yes. - They love this. - High level whites really respect it. - High level whites. - Yeah, you got it. We're talking about top tier whites. - Yes. - Yeah, there's a certain way to speak to them for sure. - What else they like talking about? Golf, the family. - You learn every top tier whites hobby, and then you address that momentarily, you know? Is it tennis guy, golf guy, chess guy? You got it? - You're blowing mine right now. - Yeah. - You're right, because I remember when Mark Cuban came in, I was like, how is Tom gonna white guy it up with Mark Cuban? And lo and behold, the two of you are just two peas in the pot. - Well, he's an elite white, and then you just know, but he's not pretentious, so you can't go pretentious with him. But you always meet them. You know, here's the thing, if you know what they love, that's the way to a super elite white guy. - To a elite white man, yeah. - He loves more than anything basketball. I'm saying as in the world of like hobbies and whatnot. So you bring up basketball, you can have easily a two hour conversation with that guy. - Easily. - But here's the deal, man. Is that, do you enjoy talking about basketball or you just endure it? - No, no, that's, now if he was just like, my favorite, it's ballet, I would do a little research and then suffer through the conversation. - Okay, see, that's stuff I don't know. - But you're also just using it as a bridge to get to, you know, whatever you actually really want to talk about. - Wow, how come you're talking to me like 49 years to learn this stuff? - Had good white training, man. - So dumb. - I was with a lot of elite whites. - You really were, I don't think I, like I watched you talk to them, you know, over the years and I'm like, oh, that's how you talk to like appropriate people like attorneys or like agents or like business people that I, yeah, I don't know. - Yeah, that's a good one. And then that, I tell you the one that my dad taught me, this is like from so many like white men, is like if something isn't right, like at, and in some type of experience. In other words, like a hotel stay, like something like is fucked up. Like the people who, a lot of people go and they go, what the fuck, they curse and everything? He's like never do that. You always get the highest level person you can get. And then you just tell them about your experience. - You understand? - Yes, yes. - So you're like, hey, you know, we pay to stay at this resort. And then this is what my experience has been thus far. Dude, when I did that, like for a, like the whole, the whole world is given to you by, by doing it in a, like, not angry, not emotional, just logical and you just tell them this is what was wrong. That was a top dog thing. - He's so smart. So he learned how to be an elite white from his face. - Well, he was working with, you know, elite whites. - Yeah. - So he was just like passing me, yeah. - Yeah, 'cause that's not how it works in like the immigrant world, like my stepdad. - And if you got some shit to say, some bullshit, if you're pissed about something, never email it. - Really, why? 'Cause it's a paper trail. - Yeah, you don't want that. - You don't want that. - You make a phone call. - Yeah, yeah, you do verbal, verbal. Well, my stepdad, when he was threatened people's lives or getting angry, it was always in person or over the phone. - Elite whites and criminals know that. - Yeah. - You do that. - Sometimes we're the same thing. - Yeah. - Very often. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Like, no. When we started this podcast, it felt like we had to figure out everything, production, branding, marketing, it was a lot. And I wish we had Shopify back then. We use Shopify to power our merch store. 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Bluetooth is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Listen, you think that you're hard and you think you know how to get there. But if you haven't had a Bluetooth, you're lying to yourself and to everyone that spends time with your penis. You have to get this, you can get harder, you can get stronger, you can knock things over with this. Guys, this isn't just about performance, this is about legacy or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know when you lay it down, they're talking about it, how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Bluetooth. Discover your options at Bluetooth.com. We've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluetooth free. Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluetooth mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to Bluetooth.com for details and important safety information and a huge thanks to Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast and keeping me hard. - Wow. - All right. Well, here's an elite. - Yeah, okay, let's see, let's see. - Let's see, let's see. - Yeah, here we go. - But he needs to tell my ex friend, Jam Brad Berry, that she can't be with me because she likes doing German punishments and vibrating my feet with a demon. And she's done it hundreds of times. And she vibrated my womb for too long. When I was in bed, home alone in Des Moines, Iowa and I first lived there back in 2018, 2019. And I had to go to the ER and the ACM and because she wouldn't do. So, Jam, you're going to help her blast you my Holy Spirit. You can't be with me. Get out of my life. - This year is big time. - Holy crap. - Don't bring anyone up into the good life. - Don't burn with a fucking stand. - Well, go, go, go, go. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. - I do. - I should show you. - And Christina Pajita. - Is it weird for me to switch? - No, that wasn't a weird flight. - No, no, no. - That was just a furry. - This lady, she's had a lot of interesting shit. - She's been all over, dude. I've been following her work. - One of the craziest things to me. - We gotta respect the song. (upbeat music) - Is it bad that like of everything she said, would I hang on to the moans? - I know, I know you're gonna do it. - Is that she said "demoins"? And that's her home. In my home, in "demoins". - Completely inaccurate. - Nobody from "demoins" pluralizes it. - Never in "demoins". - "demoins". - No, even I know it's "demoins". - Demoins. - Demoins. - Demoins. - Demoins. - Demoins. - I mean, it's fucking insane. Out in my home in "demoins". - Yeah, whatever. - Forget the demons in your feet and your womb being vibrated. - Yes. - "demoins"? - Yeah, it's completely inaccurate. But maybe it's the womb vibrations that's messing up her speech. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - She probably needs to get her ass, you know, you put something in your butt. - Yes, you put a ball in your asshole and then it realigns your hips. - Demon. It was in bed, home alone in "demoins" Iowa when I first visited. - You said "demoins". - It's upsetting. - It's really crazy. - No, I agree with you on that. - Forget what Jan did. Just fucking start referring to your home "demoin" correctly. - I agree. Everything else will fall in line. - I have zero tolerance for people that know nothing about the city they live in. - Come on. - It really bothers me. And this is a representation of that sort of thing right now. - Just have some pride. - Have a little pride. - We were walking down an aisle and there were like two guys that walked up next to us, you know, Peyton like walked away. My wife walked away for just a second. And they were like snickering to themselves or something. Like, I didn't really- much of it so I'm just looking at the candy I'll try to decide what candy I want and he walks by and gets like inches from me and just rips one like thoughts like this far from me that's disgusting to say I can't believe I'm having to say this but he did and about that time Peyton walked up like didn't witness what happened but like seconds later and I'm like upset and I follow after him and I was like is there a reason you were just so disrespectful to me what called you in there and yeah never felt so dehumanized not only did he fart on her when she confronted him he said just walk away fucking bitch oh my oh yeah and uh go to the customer service be like hey this just happened I was just just respected in your store and called names like several times don't dare do that and they security guard went and talked to him came back and they all just kind of looked at us and was like well can't y'all just leave yeah yeah is this a standard for society I mean it's not there's so many problems with this for society but it's what you get sometimes sometimes you're shopping for kale and quinoa she was in the candy and oh you're looking for candy for candy and someone fart it just happens right and also like I I take offense that she's taking offense at someone's fart meaning how could you take somebody's fart personal personally rather how do you know he was directing the fart at you it's a little narcissistic yeah he's just a pig and he farted it's just a guy farting in the candy all my favorite public fart story ever is that I didn't do it but that I witnessed and it's been years yeah I was working at America's most wanted in DC and I shared an office with one of the on camera guys who's also his name was Tom and we like we talked about music a lot we liked a lot of the same music and so one day we took a we took a walk Tom and I walk into a record store and we're like let's go see what I think it must be like a Tuesday because back then that's when records drop so we're like let's go look in like what came out today so we you know we take a little walk and back then for people that are too young now a lot of record stores had listening stations right so people would you could pick up headphones and you could listen to like classics or like new stuff so there was a guy in there who had to have been about 330 pounds right he was a big fat fuck and he's sitting there and me and Tom are like looking at the guy he's like and then he hits a like a high he goes like he sings and he farts at this like loud and long and we both were like yeah and he looked at us and he was like he turned he turned away like I think he didn't know he farted I don't think I think he didn't know he farted I think he looked at us like you don't like my singing fuck y'all and he turned his head and we were both like and we laughed we laughed so hard and that's part of like why I was like oh I think he thinks we're laughing at it singing he's so big he probably just farts all the time and doesn't register but Tom think about this yeah have you ever farted and it not registered to you that you farted I don't think so but picture I know with the headphones it's the headphones and also don't forget that he's engaging his diaphragm he's moving he's like hey he's like letting it out it came out at the same time okay yeah maybe he maybe he did know he's like I don't give a fuck but it felt like he was like I don't know that I just did that but see don't you feel like that's a blessing in the skies and you didn't take that far personally no I did not take it personally I laughed I thought it was hilarious because it's a gift and we were close to him right and when somebody farts in public for you like that you should take that for what it is it's a gift from God it's it's a special it is pretty special it's not personal it's not oh and speaking of farts we haven't even brought this is breaking news in the YMH world can you please play cats eating kibble and it's very important all right this is a big deal the other day we were in the room do you remember who did what we were in the same room and at the same time I farted and you burped now when one human does it it's a double pipe classic yeah which is a term you invented by the way and you don't get nearly enough credit for it's I appreciate it's on the internet on the urban dictionary I don't see your name credited oh it does the rare occurrence when you are blessed enough to both burp and fart at the same time credit and then they give an example shit washing down that double beef and bean burrito with Coca Cola gave me the double pipe classic most men are only lucky enough to have that a few times in their life thank you very much I appreciate that but I feel as though this is a whole new thing as a couple we've never created a double pipe classic it was very cool two mommies one pipe mmm two mommies one is it a double pipe collab a double pipe collab yeah it's very twenty twenty five I mean what's it called when two streams enter one canal you know oh two streams enter one canal it's got to be like like the sewer system I mean California or like just in nature there's got to be it there's got to be a term for when like a dyke these is that a dyke is a water thing in it I don't know confluence there it is conflagellance confluence yeah canal confluence the less common use of the term but it can describe when two or more canals totally together yeah yeah a canal confluence it's called a couples canal confluence yeah yeah that's what it is so proud of me there you go so awesome so awesome I hope somebody how was your weekend I had a little canal confluence with my partner partner partner gay partner by the way so gay and I I will not call you my partner I fucking hate it yeah what's your pronoun yeah I was at the pizza place with the boys this weekend and I was like making small talk with the table next to me what I like to have boys you know it's like it's fucking chaos yeah getting sure and sign your house crazy fuck you fuck you there you go fuck you and fuck me and fuck everyone yeah that's our little guy all right dude yeah and uh I forgot what I was gonna say oh we are talking and talking and talking and then at one point she goes do you I don't know do you have a husband I don't know if you have a husband and I was like bitch how old am I first of all of course I have a fucking husband that's what you said to this lady no in my head I'm thinking you stupid bitch of course I have a fucking husband I'm 50 years old I have a ring I got two kids I'm old yes I'm not this generation that just makes kids willing nilly with strangers okay at people or whatever it is these fuckers are doing and then calling each other partners it's super fucked up I don't do that okay but it really upset me I mean I see that yeah I see that yeah yeah god I mean do I do you have a husband it was like the first time in my life anybody had seen me along with the kids and presumed I would be part partner less or husband less I mean maybe I looked like a lesbian I don't know all right I don't know why would she ask me such a stupid I think the question so many what about you bitch your husband well her husband was there he was sitting there okay big dummy I saw him too Jesus and I was like I'm fucking ask me stuff like that okay all right it's pretty useless Jesus right fuck you too bitch yeah there you go it's made me mad I can see that that's very cool do I look like I can't get one you know what I mean football season is finally here people and boy have I been looking forward to it that's why I've teamed up with Draft King sportsbook to get you in on all the action whether it's that next great touchdown or wild finished Draft King sportsbook is right there with you new customers bet just five dollars and you'll instantly get two hundred dollars in bonus bets that's right you sign up you bet just five dollars and you'll get two 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So go to helixsleep.com/YMH for 25% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com/YMH for 25% off site wide. Helixsleep.com/YMH. I was dressed cute too. I always look good when I leave the house. You know me? Yeah. Fashionable fashion. All right. She thinks like I look so gay or unattractive. I don't know. This is a real deep fucking well. You're going down right now. But isn't it true that I heard the kids aren't getting married now and the kids, the younger generation, they're not getting married. They're just taking a different path. Like, yes, check this out. This is like from somebody else. Hello. My name is Matthew Garropic and I'm a candidate for president in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate. Must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds. I'm looking primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. If you feel like you have a chance, I'd be coming one of the lucky ladies. That'll be my first lady when I run for president in 2032. Please email an application of some photos and where you're from to Garropic 2032. Oh geez. I'll have my staff reach out to your staff to be a good fit. Remember in 2032 to vote for Matthew Garropic for president, let's go. I mean, I like his ambition. Yeah. Now he's got, I mean, he's got the charisma. You're only time stepping people. Just take a different path. It's a different path. He's looking for a lady. He's just in his own way. There's only, the Chesapeake 18. Let's go. Like that was, yeah, that A C is A C and two. It's A C and again, you really need a simpler email. Garropic 21957, like don't do that. Two, zero, three, two, first lady at Jeep, like that's, I mean, how's your staff going to fucking deal with all these emails? It's too much. You had to simplify the message. The ladies that work here, like submit their applications. Just want to see what it's like when the staff reaches out. Please. Yeah. You just be like, hey, I'm interested. Neon says yes. Yes. Yes. You have to be how old though, 18 is the cutoff right? No, 18 are older. He wants, he wants an adult. Oh, that's cool. And 145. 145. I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. What are you going to be fucking wrangling cattle? Why are you getting so so big? I was going to say I barely made that. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Do you have a husband? Yeah. I think he should cut him off a little bit lighter. You know, I mean, this guy's obviously generous, like he's willing to go. Well, that's another thing too. Yeah. It's okay to be hefty real. Yeah. It's okay. 145. 145. He's looking for a full-figured woman. It's me. Like, I've already had the, she's got hips. I'm a cow. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, my god, speaking up. Yeah. Have you seen Mellie for Oh, stop. We're not doing this. I'm just wrong with you because I know you liked her back in the night. I like her still. I like Mellie for I do. I like her too. Where are you whispering? Because I don't know. You're at the stop because I think I like her. No, she's so pretty. She's pretty. What are you doing? She's so what? She looks good, dude. Come on. Come on. She looks good. Babe, the black guy is like, come on. The black guy. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Your culture doesn't mine. Right? You're terrible, man. I still think she's beautiful. She is. And she is beautiful. She is. And I don't care what the black guy says. I think she's beautiful. I'm not saying she's not. I just as a black guy. How do you respond? You mean the black guy. The black guy. You know, you guys are known for enjoying it. You guys are a full-figured woman. Like, oh, shit. She's about 360. That's what I'm talking about. Like, so is that how you feel? I'm going to pee. I'm going to throw up. That's, you code switched. I was trying to make it. So he's like, oh, I get it. Oh, you were trying to bro with him. Yeah. Yeah. God. So fine. Yeah. Because otherwise, he'd have been like, I don't know what he's saying right now, man. So I was just, yeah, I was trying to. I can't say it's my preference. You know, I fuck big bitches, but that's who we're talking about. Yeah, right. You know, I didn't like my thing. You fuck with big bitches. Would you fuck with Nelly? I mean, you know, yeah, I'm not saying I wouldn't hit, but yeah, I don't know if I could say like she like her old self, you know. All right. Yeah. I don't love this. I mean, she's right. Dude, she's right, but I whispered it and she can't hear me. She can hear it. Yes. That's nice. She has audio equipment. She's fine. I like her. I like her and I want her. Nelly, I will not stand for this disrespect. I do think you're beautiful. I do too. Can I tell you something though? But remember Lizzo who was like, I'm fat and I don't care and I love it. Let's look at her now. Oh, little ozempies, Lizzo. She lost a bunch of weight. Good for her. That's what I'm saying. I don't, I don't, I just don't think you can be happy when you're that large. You just, it's not happy. I know it. Yeah. Shit, I'm, I'm a hefty, I'm, I'm the 145. I'm dying to get to 145. It's hard. You know, yeah. It's tough. Megan trainer. I've been a big fatty my whole life. So I just, you know, I know you're not a big fatty. Sure. I am. Even inside I still am. I'll never not be a fat guy. Do you know what I mean? In your heart. For sure, it doesn't matter what the outside is. Yeah. You'll always be like, oh, yeah, I'm fat. It's okay. No, I learned to accept it with age. Just in your mind, you're always like, you think that way. Like you're, yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, I know what you mean. You have your identity. Yeah, your identity is your fat. Yeah. No, I get it. Like my identity, I'm always like, oh, I'm like a weird foreigner. You know, even though you are a weird foreigner. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's not an idea that you are. Oh, sorry. If we're not even born in this country, you're lucky to be here. You should probably get deported. I married an American dummy. It doesn't matter. You were raised, you were raised by barnyard animals. Yeah. I'm really wise. Yeah. Speaking of, you don't, you're not going to like this. I have just started. I've discovered that you can wipe your hands on your pants. Dude, you don't even need napkins because you watch your pants anyway. No, what is wrong with it? I started. No, I started doing it and now I really like it. You're using your pants. My pants is napkins. You can do it. I do it all the time. I do it all. All my jeans now are just napkins napkins napkins napkin pants. Yeah, especially denim, denim's perfect for napkin pants. What's wrong with grabbing a napkin? I don't want to. I'm usually busy with the kids. I'm in the car. I can't fucking do stuff, you know. That's beyond. You've never used your pants. Of course, I have pants as a napkin. Have I ever I'm sure. But like in most 99% of situations, I look for some other fabric, not the pants I'm wearing. Right. Right. I just feel like the pants are there. They're meant to be napkins. They're walking napkins. They're not walking napkins. Napkins are napkins. That's where you're wrong, silly. I will say this. What? There is no napkin that is better than a towel. Towels are the best napkins. You're so rich. But then if no, no, I'm talking about other people's towels. Not like a hotel. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you're like eating and you grab a towel. You're like, oh, this is the best napkin. For sure. And I've done that many like the washcloth size. You're like, oh, this is perfect. Yeah. Yeah. I thought I was the only one that's ever discovered. Towels are the best. Second to jeans. No. No. Yes. Try it. Just try it out. The level of disrespect that you're doing to your own self when you do that. To denim. To denim. It's the same. This is the house of denim. You need to, all right. We're going to get you back into a program. All right. We'll take a quick break. Okay. We'll be right back. And we are back and so excited to talk about our guest today has a new special out on Netflix called Take Me With You. has the B and E and with Jordan podcasts and Rip, Jordan, Jensen. It's Jordan, Jensen, everybody. - Oh, right. - Thank you for having me. - Thank you for being here. It's so exciting. Congratulations on the special. - Thanks. - Everybody's excited. - I just woke up here saw it. - Yeah, I get it. - I don't know. - What's my pronouns? - Yeah. - What? - What are your pronouns? - Like, I would like it to be something like. - You can, you can make it that. - You know? - You can, you can make it. Papa, Dama, Pompom. - Pompom, Pompom's good. I like Pompom, please. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel closer to that than either of the. - Where do you live, mommy? I live in Brooklyn. - Mmm. - G-Dork Teddy's. - G-Dork Teddy's, perfect. What? Oh, yeah. - Yeah, right outside of. - Is that where you're from? - Upstate New York. - I'm from upstate New York. I'm from Ithaca. - Ithaca, I've been there. - Ithaca. - Of course you've been there. - Of course you're born there. - What's born there, I love there. - Yeah. - She knows carpentry. - I love carpentry. - Oh, okay. - When you're talking about us, you're talking about the same person. - I don't know. Listen, Tom has raved about you for so long, and I'm so excited finally meet you today, and he's like, she's so funny. You're gonna love her. - Yeah. - Wait, is that how I talk? - That's how you sound like. - That's how I sound like that. - She's so funny. - Yeah, yeah. - You're gonna love her. - It's like you're throwing your own voice into your own mouth. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - Yeah. - Yes. And listen, my husband is a very harsh critic - Really? - Yes. - I will say, if he thinks you're funny, it fucking means you're funny. - That's so awesome. - So I'm like so stoked to finally meet you, and you studied philosophy and you have a small dog with you. - I have a small dog. - These are all things I love. - These are things she loves. - Yeah, I hear you're a little man-ish as I am. - I am quite man-ish. Yeah, totally. - You're not gay. - I'm not gay. - I guess what I was saying. - Have you been gay? - No. But I did spend the 90s in San Francisco for school, and there was a lot of bisexuality was cool, so I fredged. - Of course, French. We all French for the sake of the boys. We don't wanna see some of the cool boys. So you fuck me. Here's me, French, or my friend. Of course. - Did you have you eating box? - No. I don't like it. I tried it. - You did try? - I couldn't go mouth to-- - Wait, you did try though. - I looked at it. - You looked at it. You didn't give it one. Did you give it one of these? - No, I fingered, but my fingering even was just like this. I couldn't, oh, there's something about it. The penis is just like this. It's stupid, it's dumb. I can deal with this object. It's reaching my hand in there. - Yeah. - It's so skewed. - And also what comes out of the vagina that men don't know about. I heard you have a great joke about. - Discharge your blood. - Discharge. - Yeah. - I forget what it is, but yeah. - It's really good, it's really good. - Neonah was quoting it, 'cause she- - All about just charge where I'm trying to cover it and I'm pulling down my underwear, and then I just say that I throw my underwear away. - Is it in the special when you talk about, 'cause I remember, we've done dates together, and so I've seen like, obviously bits and pieces of your act about your mom, like you- - The ripping? - Was it the fainting vaginal? - Just like you were, I think it was you telling her about, like maybe it was like a first period or something, and she was like, just fucking plug it up, go to bed, or whatever. It was some story about your mom. - Oh yes, it was, that was the vaginal tearing thing. - Okay. - Where my vagina ripped during sex, I mean this guy kept fainting, and she goes, she said, it's just like the inside of your mouth, it'll heal quick, which is crazy. I got off stage, I've never, that's in the special, because- - Okay, really? - Yeah, because I told that on one of your shows, like for fun, because they were a bunch of lesbians there, we were in like Portland, and my mom was in the audience. - That's right, Portland, Maine. - And you were like, you gotta put that in the special, and I was like, okay, that's awesome. - 'Cause it's dirty. - Well, you were raised by two lesbians ladies, and I imagine that to be the greatest experience of all time, was it? - The problem is, one of them just becomes a dad. - Tell me everything. - Like, it's not like two sweet ladies, they're like, honey, we both cooked a casserole, it's like, one is like, shut the fuck up, Michelle. You know, it's like that. And then you have a dad also, because of biology, you must have a dad or a lot of money, and I had a dad, and he was just like weird uncle, he was just like uncle guy. - What was he like? - He was like a cool, sex addict, cowboy, pot head, hippie guy, yeah. - And what was your relationship with him? - I worked with him. - Yeah, he was like my boss. And he was, and he didn't like me when I was a goth. - Oh, it's unfortunate, it's the best phase in a girl's life. - It's the best phase. He didn't like the goth phase, so he kind of was like, you're not, you're no son of mine. And then, and then when I lost a bunch of weight and became a normal girl, I started working for him when we became like buds. - What did you do for him? - Oh, construction. - Yeah. - You're so gay. - I know, I know, I know, I know. - I know. - Bro, you look great. You've been, you kept up with your training. - Yeah. - Yeah, you look great, man. - I'm on the, I'm on the inflammation diet. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Okay, good. - And anti-inflammatory. - But you've been, you've been training still, you've been, right? You're eating, right? - Yeah, I'm eating right, and I'm working out a lot. - That's why I'm not boxing as much, but I'm lifting a lot. - And you're so gay. See, here's the thing, we were talking about. - It's so crazy, 'cause it's just, I don't even realize it, and then I hear it, and I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But I also think that there's an inherently gay quality to all female comics that we are all a little daiki to some regard, because we're going against the gender norm in the first place. - Right. - Nobody wants to hear us talk. - Nobody is like masculine energy. - Yes. - You know what I mean? - The room you were in last night. And like, you know what I mean, the green room, those dynamics, that's masculine, like the hanging out, and it's always like, nice fucking shirt, dipshit. It's like, it's aggressive kind of masculine energy. - I think this is what happened. I think it's the chicken or the egg. I think it's, I think it's before you get into comedy, this happens to you, is when women are coming in and being like, oh my god, let's dress up and do these things. You're a little bit like, what are you trying to make me into a fucking girl, and you become funny guy. And people go, hey, you're funny, because you're not doing all the girl stuff. - Right. - And then you get into comedy, 'cause so many people are being like, you're the funny one, 'cause you're defensive with your like, what are you fucking gay, I'm not gonna hang out with you. And that's why I think comics are the ball busts. - I never liked being girl-ish. I went to an all girls' Catholic high school. We were uniforms, and we were kind of asexualized. - Yeah. - Those really pivotal years, where I probably should have been trying to attract boys, it was like, no, just shut it down. - We're gonna fucking button down uniform, you know? - That's hot though, button down uniform. It's gay. That is hot. - You know what I'm gay for a Katie Taylor, the boxer. - Oh, let's look. - Really? - Yeah. - You like her? - Do you know what I'm talking about? - The Irish one who fights for the lard. - Yeah, yeah. - What? - Fight for the lard? - Whoa. - Look at this. - For the lard. - Lard. - Jesus Christ is driving everyone in my bunches. - Yeah, she had those epic fights against, was it Serrano? - Yeah. - Peter. - Oh, yes. I love Serrano. - Serrano's great. - Serrano's great. - Yeah. - Those fights were epic too. - But I just want to look like her. When I really think about it, like the idea of her kissing me is crazy. But I want to look like her. - You can't. - You want to look like her? - Yeah. - You sure about that? - I know, I know, it's fucked up. But I do. Look at her fucking zones. - So you want to look like somebody that's ready to throw down any set. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - With a neck that's fucking-- - Her neck is crazy. Her neck is crazy. Her neck is literally destroyed Serrano's career. - Yeah. - So, yeah. - She looks like her, I don't know. - No, she's ripped though. - That's what you want to be. You want to be jacked? Like super jacked? - I don't want to be gym rat jacked, but I want to be, I want to be your jacked. - My jacked? - Yeah. - But I don't want to be-- - It's okay. - Rogan jacked. - Oh right, right. Like you want to be like, oh, I have some fitness in my life. - Yeah. - But not-- - I want to be being jacked. - Yeah, that's cool. I want to, you know what I want to be? I figured it out. - I love being the example. Thank you. - That's nice, right? It's crazy. I have to talk to you about that. That's my number one question. I've never heard of it. Did it piss you off so much when he got ripped? That would piss me off. - Why? - So I don't know. It would annoy me. Him just going out in the world ripped after being a fat boy. - You just talked about that. - Having him caged up as a fat boy is so sick. - You think so? Why? Why is it so sick? - I'm like a very jealous crazy person. - Of course, yes. - Okay, okay. So him being a fat boy, people are like, "Oh yeah, being the one who's, people are like, "Why are you with that guy?" That's what I like. And then him getting ripped would piss me off. - Oh, that's so true. 'Cause I was like better than him. - You're still better than him. - Let's be clear. - Okay, you talk out of your side of your mouth. It's the hottest thing ever. - Thank you. - Are people telling you that? - No, but that's part of the mouth thing. - That's so sweet. - It's the best, right? That's the best. - He never tells me these things. - No, they don't know how to say things. - I'm like, fix your fucking mouth. - Yeah. - He opened the other song. - He puts me down, which feels good. - That's good, that's what we like. - Right. - This is like, you guys are just the fucking same. - Yeah, I love you so much. Can I tell you what, okay, truth, don't listen. The one thing that I do get a little annoyed with, and this is all male comics, especially the Austin ones. It's the, you know, the talk about. - Did you cold punch, bro? - Oh, you're sick. - You gotta get into cold punch, bro. - Right, and you're like, I remember when you were Tootsie Rollboy. - You could, could you son up, bro? Did you even son up, bro, what are you about? - Yeah. - You fucking lufted in. - And hearing them brag about how come I'm not cold punch, because I'm a woman. I don't want to cold punch. It doesn't excite me. I, the pain is in my body already. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've had two children. I don't need to do these things. - No, it's in your heart. - It's in your heart. - The pain is in your heart. - Yeah, I don't need it. - Totally. - But he needs to hurt himself. And that love. - He loved hurting themselves. - I don't understand. - Yeah, they're young. - Is that what that is? - I think it is, I think it's a clinic, right? Don't you think that? - It's something, it is. - It's something where you're like, you need to suffer something. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You need to suffer something. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Why is the suffering, you know what's so funny? So before you got here, and he was saying that what makes a man gay is joy. And being silly, enjoyable, and enjoying things makes him gay, and I think I agree with that. - When you guys are too happy, you're like, "This guy's gay." - That's true. - It's just hilarious, so emotional. - Yeah, well you smile on all the time, bro. - That's true. - Some of the smiles. - It's not fair that you can say the N word like that. It sounds so much better when he does that. - You can say it. - No, I'm not gonna say it. - No, I'm not. I just got dragged on the internet for saying a bad word. - What you say? - I was saying it in a good way. I was saying that when people say the word T-R-A-N-N-Y, - Yeah. - That that is a thing that means, to me, it's so antiquated that it sounds like they're just saying drag queen, like that's what I think of when people were for, but they clipped it and made it look like I was saying that word, just throwing it out there and being like, and those people are just in drag. - Gotcha. - That's what they clipped it and I got dragged on the internet. (laughing) - Isn't that crazy, dude? - Where did you say it? - I said it on Stavvy's podcast. And Stavvy's all fucking woke ass, little bitch ass. And he was like, "Jordan, whoa!" And I was like, "Dude, I get that you were on "Come town for years and you have to undo that, but please, "cut me some slack here." - Oh, shit. - I do love him, though. - People wanted to be mad at him, but I love him. - No, he's great. - So what do you like to the suffering? What is this shit? - I will say I like a cold punch. I like a cold punch because of the inflammation. - You know what you are? You're a gender trader. - Oh my God. - You're a gender trader. That should be the name of your next fucking special. - That gender trader. - Gender trader. That's what I call, I call many people that. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, I call many people that. I call many, I think I call Robbie Hoffman a gender trader because they were like, I don't care what you identify me as, but you can choose what you want. I'm like, just say woman so that you're a cool woman. - She did for years. She is the only fucking American. I've met who doesn't understand the game of football, right? - I don't like it. - So whenever I'm watching football-- - I'm the same way. - And there's a sideline reporter that's a woman. She'll be like, look at this fucking gender trader. - I get that. I hate it. I don't like that they're with their tendrils and they're, well I'm here on the sidelines and they know football. But I view a gender trader sometimes also people who are too feminine and like women who get giant lip fillers and fake tits on my gender trader. - Really? I've never heard of that one. - Because you have to age. We have to age like Native American chiefs all together. We have to go one, two, three, no more gooey gooey gum job. And they have to learn. You guys have to learn to fuck our tiny little weird mouths and holes, and so sometimes when people are too feminine. - Oh, that's true. I know what you're saying. When it's taken to the absurd level, they have to learn to like our wrinkled pussies and our wrinkled mouths and you fuck this tiny little hole. - I agree with you totally. - I get it. I'm going to stop doing all this shit to my fucking face. - Are you doing face stuff? What do you got going on? - The fact that you have to ask is really nice. - That's good. - Where is it? - I had a brow lift. - I want that. - Yeah, you don't need, yeah, you're years away. You look great. You don't need anything. - Really? - Yeah, fillies and Botox and a brow lift. - Fillies, where's the fillies? - Lips, cheeksies. Yours doesn't look like it. Oh, I never would've guessed. - That's really good. - That means it's subtle. - What about the lip flipp? - You do lip. - Not the flip. I will not do the flip. - What's the flip? - It looks crazy. - You know people have used me of lip filler and it's only because I have beautiful, full lips. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - That's crazy, yeah. - Especially when you're not doing anything, you're just doing peptides and working out. - Yeah. - Yeah, he doesn't. - Did people accuse you of us mb? - Yeah, of course. - That sucks. - But I also tried to, like, I did do a fast. I did a five day fast. And then I went from that to shoot a movie and I was trying to tell, like, it's like, it's all circumstances. When you finish a fast, they're like, hey, when you go back to eating, start eating small, right? - Okay. - You don't go from not eating stuff to like stuff. And I just still happen to end the fast, start shooting a movie. And in a movie, if you're like in all these scenes, you're always like, yeah, I don't want to eat too much. So I was like eating the way. - Oh, so you kept fasting. - Well, I just start eating like these regular, like small portions for six weeks. And then I kept losing weight. - Oh, you basically fasted and then you did, see, this is what I mean. When I did the movie, I was in a movie. I was in a movie, I'll say it. Everybody was going, what movie are you in? - Bradley Cooper's movie. - Get the fuck out of here. He's the biggest thing in the world. - I know. He's very handsome. - Is it out? Is it coming out soon? - December 9th. - Oh my gosh. - Did you kiss him? - Can we say what it's called? - Did you kiss him? - He's so cute. - Is this thing on? And I'm not allowed to talk about it. - Okay, what about it? - I was talking about it. - I'm not allowed to talk about anything. - She looks so good. He's had good work done, yeah? - Yeah. - I don't know if he's-- - Oh yeah. - They're really good work done. - Yeah, he's got a great work done. - But on that set, nobody was eating. I ate everything. - How you did? - They were just like, nobody was eating. Everybody was nibbling. I was like, give me everything. - I didn't eat fucking. - Oh, this is so cool. - Yeah. - And I'm so excited. That's gonna be good. - Lori Dern's in it, oh, I love Lori Dern. - Look at that. - Amy Cedera. - She rolls. - Did you get to know her? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm obsessed with Amy Cedera. - There you are. - Jordan Cedera. - Where's her picture? Where? - Oh, she's the ghost. - She's like, I'm casual. - I did not choose that picture. - Oh, you didn't choose this one? - What is Swampy? Who's that? - Swampy. - Who's Swampy? - Who didn't meet her? - Swampy. - Swampo? - Intensive. Headshot too. - Swampy, some pale. - Oh, she's Brazilian. - She's foreign. - Do you use it? - Don't. - Yesterday, because to celebrate the special, I said that I was gonna have ice cream, and I went too hard. - How hard do you go? - Cookie dough mixed in with the toasted marshmallow ice cream. - Yeah. - And chocolate fudge in. - Both times that I went to Ian's place to do your guys podcast. - Yeah, you've gone sick on mode. - I've gone sick. I've gone sick. - I've been there. - Yeah, with that chicken sandwich. - Chicken sandwich. - God damn it. - You loved it, though. It's worth it. - Fucking best. - Yeah. - The best. - Look at this tiny ass dog. - I love this dog. - Isn't she the best? - Yeah. - You're on camera. She's so many famous people. She never even knows. She's playing with Rogan yesterday. - Are you super stoked to have your special out? Like, are you excited? - No. - No. - Not at all. Nothing feels good. - No. - Bro, I mean, it's like, it's miserable. - Yeah. - I'm so upset about getting dragged on Twitter. I'm so upset about the breakup. - What are you broken up? - Broke up. - Broke up. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well, you didn't say that. - Dude, every time I see you, it's either on and off kind of thing. - It's always on and off. - But it's off. It's off. And I'm fucking-- - How long's it been off now? - I don't know. - A couple weeks. - Ah, this is the stand. - No, but it sucks, dude. I thought I would be like glowing. And I mean, the ice cream helped. - The ice cream's great. - But no, I'm sleepy. I have a question. - Yes. - But when you break up, can you have sex with new people? - That seems like-- - I don't have sex. - What? - I don't sex with the people. I can't do it. I can't get myself out of bro mode into sex mode. - Wow. We need a chat. - What, you be sex in? - Well, I'm like-- - I'm a pair, I'm like paramedicals. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's so much-- - It's what alcohol is just drinkable. - She's just like, who's it up and fuck some guy on the streets, you know? - Yeah, but then you fuck them. Here's what happens. You go, I gotta get over this and you fuck somebody. And then you wake, you come to halfway through. Not like out of a blackout, but just in lucidity. And you realize there's some pig on you, humping you and you go, who is this for? - Yeah. - Who is this for me? 'Cause I'm not gonna come. - That's true. - You know? - Yeah. (laughs) - Sure. - And we want you to come, dude. It's one of the big things we were talking about. I hope Jordan comes. - Yeah. - And then you just realize you're-- - You know what the problem is, dude? - You shouldn't do it. - You're just, no, you're just not meeting the right guys. I feel like we could just introduce you to some guys and then maybe you would change your mind. - Cold punch, guys? - No. - Okay. - Let's get you like-- - But that's kind of, that's the guy you should be fucking. Hold on. Is that even though the cold punch talk annoys me and the VR talk and you know, like that stuff? - Are you a VR guy, don't you? - Yes. - Oh, no. - He's fighting in wars in Fallujah, babe. - I haven't even-- - No, they gave me one for Christmas two years ago. I haven't even seen that thing. - He's hating wars in Fallujah. - Well, yeah. I was not gonna leave my guys fucking behind. - Yeah, okay. - I ain't get that. - But yeah, I was on ships in bulk. Like, it was fucking nuts. - That's crazy. - But you do wanna have relationships in sex with alpha guys like that. Like, is this guy like kind of like a beta guy? - I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. - You're like, you're a soft alpha. You're not like a jerk alpha. - You're a soft alpha. - Yeah, he is a soft alpha. - You are a soft alpha. - What does that mean? - It means that you're dominant. - Yeah. - But you're not a douche bag. - Okay. - You're a maskier and you'll stand up. - You'll stand up. If somebody does something wrong to you, you'll be like, don't do that. - Yes. - That's good. - Yeah. - Right? - Don't you say you will. - Yeah, fuck yeah. - Say I'm an alpha. I'm a strong man. - No. - Definitely not doing that. You're not gonna drag me on that. (laughing) - All right, let me just like, let's get you some men to consider. Okay. - All right, they have to be like borderline. They have to be like pretty like Irish Catholic. - Okay. - Pretty shut down emotion. - All right. - I got a few for you. Okay, look at the screen. Okay. - Okay. - No. - Excuse me. Excuse me. - Can I talk to you, please girl? Life feels like hell without a girlfriend. So I want to talk to always think about to make me a better person and to bring the best out of me. - This guy needs a green card so bad. - To enjoy the best forever, young years together. - Forever, young years. - Just adventures, drink, have passion in, hardcore sex every day, every night. - Yeah, dude. - Hard courses. - I'm trying to sweat, girl. I'm gonna lose some face fat. - I think he has a mixture of lyrics he's reading from. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. girl. It's part of life. I get horny fast girl. What? I got a thick and pink cake. It gets harder. And pink. I want you to jack it off baby and kiss my naked girl. And I'll kiss your naked your two girls and play with your hair girl. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hands on your thighs baby and rub it up and down. Here's the deal. If that's a bit, he's my husband. It's not a bit. Yes, I know exactly. It was incredible. It's incredible. The guy who does, you've seen the guy who puts his bare feet up behind him. And he goes, hello, Princess. That guy is doing a bit. Yeah, you love it. I'd marry him. Yeah, because he's able to do that. He was able to. He's a, he's around, right? That guy is reading R&B lyrics. He's just listening to rap in his weird car, buying fucking whatever Mercedes Dory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just trying to get a wife so he can stay in America so he can keep his bodega. You like Persian guys? Because that's I think what this is. Yeah, he's Glendale Gary. No, I like the road they make, but that's about it. All right, let's, let's, let's pivot. My vagina is pretty racist. Is it? I'm not. I love all people. But my vagina likes, well, Irish, Catholic, anything else? It's pretty much all I've ever done. Jesus Christ. Oh, it's really bad. It's really, you've only done another flavor. I've sampled, I've sampled, but in relationships, it's always Irish, Catholic, raised to keep their feelings inside. You like that. And they cry single tears. Yeah, hold on. You were raised by two women. Was it like feelings talk a big thing amongst the three of you? It was, my mom is a dad and my dad is a dad. And you know what I mean? So it was two dads, basically, because one's a bulldike and one's a man. And then the mothers were disrespected. The other mother was like, she's a emotional. And I'd be like, yeah, she's a fucking dumbdike. You know? So I was taught to not respect the emotions because my mom was the swaggy one. My mom is cool as hell. My mom met Tom and like blew him off. Like, she was awesome. She was like talking, she was like talking about something and he comes over. And I'm like, oh my God, mom is going to get all Twitter paid her because she loves you. And she came over and she's like, yeah. And then the fucking, the fucking Iran conflict over here. Listen to me. I was like, she didn't. She wasn't at all like, oh, Tom, hello. She just kept ranting. It was great. She was great. She's great. All right. How about this guy? This is a different guy. Okay, I've been on here. I've been a lot of time to be honest. This is soon. Now, I like to have somebody right on my lips. I would like to have some titties around my face. I would like to have some sex. I like this man. I like to have a woman in my home. Yeah, in my home. I can make a love to look at the screen on his computer is a woman. It's Rachel Maddow. He likes Rachel's progressive. Yeah, their cells are often in oops. They don't care about their partner. See? Last lady 10, 15 times before I even went boom. Oh, maybe I am gay, dude. This is pulling me in the opposite direction. Really brutal. Really? Yeah, really? Just the idea that this is the inner monologue of most men. Yeah. Just a quiet old man going, I want nookie. I want kitties on my titties on my face and on my whitties. Really? That's just behind all of your whole blending is just a creepy guy in glass is going, I want to put it in every man's eye. I know. I can see that. I can see the way the fisheye is. I would like to have. And also I don't like his gross exaggeration that I just picked up on and we watched him. Yeah. He goes, oh, I made her come 15 times. We can't even do that. Honestly, we can't. I've seen it. So you've seen it in a porn where she said, watch me come 15 times. Hey, you 15 guys. You're going to make me come every one of you. Yes. Okay. So that guy you're passing on will shit. That's kind of a bummer. I know. I'm looking for girls for pussy. I love deep pussy. Okay. No, he looks a little Irish. If you're not that guys, you're looking for some action. You live in Missouri. Please. Call me. Please at one five seven. Oh, that's next to me. At one six three. I like the way he's talking. It's not like this. I go sex winged time machine out of beef jerky. See? I want a girl to go along with it. Sex swing. Text me at one six time machine out of beef jerky. John call me. John at one five five. John's kind of close to what I'm into. Do you like ambitious men? Yeah. You do sex swing out of jerky? Yeah, that's pretty impressive. But like a guy that really has like, you know, like high aspirations. Like this other guy. Hello, my name is Matthew Garropic and I'm a candidate for president in 2032. As you may know already, I'm looking for a woman to impregnate must be 18 years older and no more than 145 pounds. Jesus. I look primarily for a white or a Spanish woman. So far, dude, if you feel like you have a chance, I'd be coming one of the lucky ladies. Please email an application of some photos and where you're from to Garropic 2032 first lady at gmail.com. I'll have my staff reach out to you if you seem to be a good fit. I like to remember in 2032 for Matthew. I like this because he's he's setting his boundaries. He knows what he wants. He does know what he wants. Yeah. And we already have a we have a profile for you that we're going to email in. Really? Yeah. If you sign off on it. Yeah. Okay. Great. We got photos. We got really. Yeah. Just to see if I'm on Raya. You are. Is it? Yeah. Tell us about it. It's fucking I'll show. Oh, I can't show you. You're doing this too. I know. You are gender trader. And I'm such a judge. Wait a minute. Tell us about Raya. It's dude. Who would ever want to date a guy with a headshot? It's brutal. And he has to have one. He does a headshot from yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But these are guys like with photography photos. And they're not even actors. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, I thought they were hot. They had to be actors. They're like. They're like. Can I show? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought they had to be show business people. We just want we won't put them on blast. But we'll look. They're like. I think they can't be on blast because their names. Well, you know what I mean? We're not going to show the camera. Right? Like we won't load because there's no service in here. But they're like, they're, they're two. They're beautiful. And they know they're beautiful. And the photos that have been taken of them are to show that they're beautiful. This I don't like. I don't like it when a man knows he's attractive. That's the most unattractive quality. It's brutal. Hinge is great for me. It's just a bunch of dirt bags. But I can't be on hinge now. Wait a minute. You just got through telling us though that like I don't want just to like meet somebody and bang them. Right? So are you saying you're using these for the potential of a long-term or as you are? Okay. Yeah. But you're just going to, you're just going to reconnect with your. I'm not. You are. I'm not. That's the last time. That is not the last time. It's the last time. How many times is it? What about this? How many times is this? Nine or so? Really? It's a lot. It's totally lost count. Yeah. It's a lot. What if I give you something if I do? Like I have to. Yeah. Can we do something like that? That would actually help me. Oh my god. This is fucked up one time. I lost her in the woods and I told my dad dad that if he returned her I would never talk to him again. I did. Oh, you're dead. But she's returned. But then I talked to him again. Oh, look at the Chinese. She's going Chinese. Yeah. Love when she goes Chinese, man. That's also going to get you dragged. What? She's going for Miyazaki. No. What's the guy's name from Croticid? Miyagi. Miyagi. This is Miyagi. Doggie. Miyagi. Doggie. Miyagi. Miyagi. Miyagi. What causes Miyagi? If you can give me broad strokes, what causes the breakups? If it's an avoidant, it's just an avoidant. We just get to a certain place and he goes, nope, too much. And then it gets too emotionally close. You guys are too close. He gets scared. It's like everything's fine. And then all of a sudden I'm like, hey, I could, I, there's a need that I have. And he goes, this is a little bit too much for me. And I go, well, this is a relationship. And he goes, well, I don't even know if I want a relationship. But I was like, well, we're in a relationship. And then it gets, it's just an avoidant. He's just a, and I'm anxious. So the more he pulls away instead of being like, you take your space. I'll talk to you in a few days. I go, everything okay. And he goes, you know, it's the classic. It's a woman. It's addicted. And then it resets. And then it resets. Yeah. So next week when you guys are together again, I have to, we need to do like a deal. What's our deal going to be? Like $1,000 or something. No, no, you make too much. I already know. It's nothing to you. The dog is good. Yeah. What about you give me something if I make it a year? A year? Yeah. What do I give you? Something good. Something good. Your wife. Sure. What do you got? You got something bigger? Huh? You got something good? I got some good stuff. Really? Yeah. I'm trying to think of watch. I want to watch. Oh, that's like a fucking drill bit. Yeah. So how about I buy you a crazy tool set? That would be pretty good. Yeah. Okay. Just how about it? Even if you just say there'll be a prize if I make it a year? There'll be a prize. That'll help. Wait. Do you really want to watch? Yeah. I can see you rockin' to go. - Who watched? - Yeah. I love when you have watches. I just don't, I don't know what watch to get. I got one was stupid. - What'd you get? - One from Psycho. - Psycho. - Psycho. - Psycho. Yeah. I like it. - Wait, do you like a metal bracelet or do you like a leather or rubber strap? - Metal. - You like metal? - Yeah. - I know what you should get. - Really? - Yeah, we'll talk about it off here. - Okay, so you get me that in here. - Otherwise it'll be weird. - I'm poor. - So yeah, we'll talk about it. - Okay, great. Are you into carpentry? - Yeah, yeah. I did it for so long that now I'm fucking not. I did it as a job so much that now when people are like, help me build it, I'm like, oh, fuck yourself. - You can legit build things like bookshelves and stuff? - Yeah. - Wow. - They're not great. They're not like, or Nate, you know, they're not like that. But I can build you a bookshelf. - We're looking for a year. You're gonna take a year off. - Dude, yeah, if there's a-- - Hold on, you're gonna say it. - I will, I will go a year if you could, if there's a price. - There's a price. There's a good price. - Really? substantial. - Do you think a year's too long, should we set it? - No. - Oh, you like the year. - Yeah, let's not reduce the time. - Okay, what's the date? September 9th, my special came out. That's how we'll remember. - Okay. - Damn. - So you're telling me, we're looking at next fall. - If I keep doing this, I will die. - I know you will. - You saw me. We're off stage. I'm in his little fucking baby bed. What was that thing called? The coffin and the tour. What's that thing called where we sleep in the tour bus? - Oh, just bass. - Crying in the tour bus. You're a little cute video editor-gar. Find me in the green room. I'm about to do a fucking arena with Tom Zagora. Best day ever. Yesterday, best day ever. Fucking dealing with X. It's crazy. He's gotta stop. It only leads to bad things. It makes me miserable. It's very, he's my best friend. I love him so much. But as a relationship, it does not work. He rules. He's so funny. I would never say any negative things about him. But we are fire and water. We are oil and water. What if in this one year you could meet somebody who was emotionally available to you? - 'Cause I need like a year, I think, to just be Jordan. 'Cause I've been spending my whole life chasing boys. You know. - I know. It's crazy. - It's too long. It's like, I always tell ladies not Tom, so just still listen. Like, when he drops dead, I'm not even gonna know. - No, no, no, no, no, no. You use his money to do fun things. - Well, yeah, but like, I don't know who these, I see these women on Instagram or my age and they're like, newly divorced and their pussy's are on fire. And they have got multiple kids and they're like, I'm out of dating and having sex. It's like, why do you wanna, aren't you done? - Yeah. - You've already had the kids, you're in menopause. When are you gonna just shut it down? - It's crazy. - Just stop. - It's 'cause they're stunted emotionally, I think. - Like my mom is like, I'm never fucking again. That's crazy. I have two pit bulls just not go with me at night. I'm good. And that's nice. - Yeah, that's where I wanted. - You're at a Mohawk. - My best friend growing up had a Mohawk and I just had the short hair, green hair. But I never did a full Mohawk. - I feel like that's something you should do. At some point. - At some point? - Maybe you should do it this year. - Yeah, maybe during the year. - But my hair is like the only thing I have is my lustrous hair. - You have gray hair. - No, I've got gray tattoos, grayed arms. You're a very good show. - This, Chinese dog, teach Chinese dog. (laughing) - Oh my god. - Oh. - Yeah, no, I want to spend a year fucking just being. - Rob, Rob. - That's her. That's her barking. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That is her barking. - That's how she barks. - She goes, "Hey, I'm lonely." (laughing) - Together. - Oh, no. - Yeah. - She loves it. - I'm really excited for my watch in a year. - Yeah. - Your pass is fast and comedy. - It does. - It's fast. - I already haven't picked out for you, too. - Really? - Yes. - Okay. - I'm super excited. - If we stay broken up, we're getting right together, but I'm breaking up. - You have to be honest about it. - I will. - Okay. - I will. - What about sexes, if they make sex? - What do you mean? - If we make sexes. - They make sexes. - I don't think they make sexes. - I don't consider getting back together. I don't do sexes. - I don't do sexes. - I do either we're getting back together. You're not going to have sex with me. - All right. - All right. - Yeah. - I believe her. - All right. - I believe her. And she probably will be thrilled with her new boyfriend. - Hey, how y'all doing? - Yes. - Yes. - Oh, these things. - Yeah. - Fuck. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I'm feeling it. Look at ya. Y'all miss that ball. - Huh? - I feel like I know this guy. - I'm coming at y'all. Fairies. - Yeah. - I feel like this guy works with a comedy film. - This doesn't matter. You got a big booty. - What is he doing? - Oh, flat booty. I'm coming to get that booty. And look. I want to lick them drawers. - Yeah. - I like drawers saying drawers instead of pussy. I love that. I love women. I don't give a damn where you from. Let me put my tongue in your head. (laughs) - That new new. - Yeah. - Using every other word to describe body parts and then saying, "I want to stick my finger in your toe." - Yeah. Look. I want to dig in your booty. - Okay. - So that could, he, I know personally. - Really? - Yeah. I could actually link you up. - You know that guy? - I do. I went to visit him. For real. - Okay. - And he's, um, he's really nice guy. He looks really nice. He wants to stick the tongue in that ass. - Yeah. - And he'll put ice cream in it. - Really? - Yeah. Corn chips. - That's nice. At the same time. Yeah. - Can I show her like some fun tech talks or something else? I don't like it. - You need to be close. Yeah. It feels so dirty. - Look at the Princess guy. How do we look that guy up? - The Princess guy. - Um, how old Princess? - Oh. - If you'll love him. - Can you find him? - How old Princess. - How old Princess. - How old Princess. How old Princess? - I can't believe you guys. - I'm curious. Oh, you guys are amazing. - Oh. - Oh. - Princess. You're looking mighty fond of this. - Yes. - Yes. - It's the occasion. Maybe you like to just give daddy random elections. - Oh. If that's the case. - Clapping the feet. I can tell this guy. I can tell him off camera. It rules. - Why don't you date this guy? - I will. I'll find that. - I think he's good. - Oh my god. He's so good at being bad. - It's awful. - That's so good. - That is a skill. - That is good. - The feet. The feet. - And he does it in every video. - That's what he does. - He does that character. But I found one that's just him being normal. - Yeah. - And it's not that guy. - Oh right. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's a feet. - How about this guy? - That's so bright. - Americans. I do a lot of hard stuff. - This is what I mean. - God. - This has nothing to do with. - That text. - That text. - That text. - The text. - And we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. We were not a Terry. I liked that. - Yeah. - We were a fuck partner. - Yeah, sure. - We took it an hour to time as I told her. Going an hour to time. So what I'm looking for now. - Oh my god. - It's like a hundred to 110 pounds. - Oh my god. - Oh my god. - A really beautiful fucking tiny ass. - With almost the form looking big boobs. - Yeah. You and every other man in a life. - I'm more of an ass man. I looked at it a little past. - Oh my god. - Dude. He's the man. - It's so scary. - When a light chariot or so I imagine. Anyways. Listen. I'm looking for her. - This is fucked up. - This guy's rad. - He's seen it never can find it. - He's a pretty aggressive guy. - It's so fucked up. - You know. - That's crazy that that. How do you feel that guy being a part of your gender? I feel great that we don't have that. - Oh yeah. - We have some scary girls. - But they're not. I feel like there's so many more cool guys than there are cool girls. Do you know what I'm saying? Like there's more of these dirt bags on the internet. It's rare when we find a woman. It's a special occasion. How do you feel that the majority of your representatives are just bad? - It's a total acceptance. It's just one of those things where you go, I get it. Dogs bark. You just go, "Yeah, we're filled." - You're so much closer to chimpanzees than us. - Yeah. - Really are closer. - And guys are, we are what ruins life. We're the provokers. We're violent. - We're the kill staff. - And people say female relationships, every comic does this. But they'll be like, females are so much more caddy in their relationships. And I'm like, there might be interterm oil, but we solve it quickly. And then are closer than ever. Whereas you guys just stab each other to death. - Oh. - Yeah. - That's over. - We get in the girls' bathroom. We go, "What the fuck did you say to me when he said that thing?" And we go, "You're a fucking bitch. She's a fucking. " And then we deal with it on Coke later. - Yeah. - But you guys, it's just a shank silent. And it's over. - And then that's worse to me. - Yeah, it gets miserable. - But guys also, I feel like women who have arguments with other women, I see I don't think a lot of times it's over. They go like, "She's a bitch." - Oh, we'll tell everybody about it. - But also like, I hate her forever. Whereas guys sometimes, like, the battle, sometimes there's a punch thrown, something physical. And then they're like, "It's all good. We're good." You know? - She's right about that. - Because they accept each other as they are more than women do. Because they'll be friends with people that suck as people and they're like, "Yeah, that's just what that guy is. That's who that guy is." But whereas women, I wouldn't be friends with a piece of shit. Guys are more willing to be friends with pieces of shit. - Yeah, that's true. - 'Cause they're like, "Whatever." - And then you just know, "That's a guy for this space." In other words, there's guys that I'm friends with who I would have never had at my house. You know, I'm like, "Yeah, I can't fucking bring that guy to the house." - Yeah. - That's fucking out of his mind. - Yeah, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that kind of shit right you're like guys totally not someone We have friends like that though. We have friends who are like, oh, she's a complete sociopath. It's all so true, but true We are getting our nails done together. Yeah, true compartmentalized. We all do it. They're not in close circle They're not in my clothes. No, you said you wanted an alpha male, right? Check out how this guy handles situations I love him so much. That's my husband. Yeah, I think that guy Stepped up on Americans like he was gonna hit me because I asked him some questions Take a look at him. Oh shit comes again Step away for me Sounds like Chris Farley. Yeah, he's also. Yeah, it's just math. I like that I like when people get mad in public me - yeah, it's one of my favorite lanes. Yeah, I get mad in public a lot And I like when people will back me up on it. It's kind of nice. Yeah, all right. You want to show what her what you've curated? Please so are you gonna talk guys? Um, I have somebody who posts on tick-tock right? I've ever like kind of spent time looking around you know, your algorithm gets built by what you like and look for Yeah, and so a lot of people is it's kind of nice. It's like oh, here's some kids putting together a dancer routine to this pop hit Yes, yes, and then Christina has a different mind Yeah, he doesn't understand and you understand this because you studied philosophy I like to identify and highlight the marginalized community. So that makes sense people that are normally represented in every day Yeah, you like to find the underbelly. Thank you. So how liars? Yes, you will that makes sense the people are gonna all right here You want to see some outliers? Today being retarded means leading a full life retarded people go to work a school just like them. This is kind of an old school banger Yeah, a supervised home, right in the neighborhood. Yes Being retarded never stopped anyone from being a good neighbor. Don't you miss the days when retarded people were more integrated Into society like this. Yeah, I do when they had whole houses to themselves. Yeah, we had a retarded house on our block You did full retards walk by every day they'd be like And you'd be like They'd let them out for walks and stuff. It was awesome. That's awesome But where are they? Where are the retarded people now? I feel like they're hit I think they're doing open mics. They're doing a lot of comedy They're at that mothership. Yeah, totally There's definitely some retarded people some of them are doing very well. Yeah, they're doing really really well I kind of sold out the weekend that's totally good Hi You all know who I am. It's Friday afternoon here. You all know the places Friday night or Saturday morning Or a Saturday afternoon even so yeah, we understand. Good weekend everyone. Bye for now. I have seen that guy Yeah, I love that he would just explain how there's time zones like sometimes it's Friday here and he got off He he hit it and then it said do you want to like clip it up a little bit? Maybe add a caption? Yeah, of course, and then he uploaded it waited while tiktok was open for to upload and did that. It's perfect That's good. That's crazy, but also like I just think it's so annoying to like who are you to tell me to have a good weekend? Like you're telling me well, I don't need it from you to have a good week have have a good weekend like who fuck are you? I hate that don't tell me to have I do hate that, but I know you love when somebody goes. Hey, how come you're not smiling? I hate that. That's the best. I love that and I don't get mad at all. I don't yell things. I don't yell. I don't go I don't know who the fuck are you? What are you my fucking dad? Even my dad wouldn't even fucking say that. What are you the smile fucking? I hate that so much. This guy the other day he goes he goes What's up, baby? And I went like this and he goes don't look so mad. And I was like they don't say dumb fucking shit And my friend was like Jordan stop. That's like a massive man. I get so mad dude. Yeah, I get so mad Some boon forget though that big crazy guys will sometimes act out. You know, oh yeah I've had many friends be like you have no idea if that guy has a gun. Yeah. Yeah. I've gotten spit on That was when I learned my lesson wait. Where did you get spit on? I was There was somebody in a car that like laid there the other day I fucking like three days ago. I uppercut a guy's Mirror, but then you know it sucked. It just did the like Yeah, really? It just went. Why did you uppercut his mirror because we were walk It was a man hat and we're walking through a fucking crosswalk all these people have sometimes you make the decision like Hey, there's a lot of people and we're just gonna push. Yeah, and he just started rolling forward into my body So I just stood in front of his car and he kept rolling forward So then I went around and just punched his mirror thinking I would break it Forgetting that they go in and then it I punched it it went in all right So then I punched it a few more times still didn't break was like well, I'm gonna walk away Walked away went and sat down because I was shaking old couple comes up to me and they're like hey are you okay? And I was like yeah, that was embarrassing I'm really upset that all of fucking man hat and just saw me do that and they're like we're on your side That was he was crazy and I was like, thank you. Yeah, it was so sweet. Wait wait. When did you get spit on? That's a different time the spitting was I was this I mean it happens all the time But I was there was somebody oh, I was on a bike and somebody was maybe is the motorcycle Bike or motorcycle and some guy was in my way or no He was pulling into the bike lane like he was weaving into the bike lane and his window was down And I was like what do you fucking piece of shit like something like that? And he just and I was like fuck And I got to my friend Chloe's house. I was like I have to shower for 11 years right now I think that but see what you're describing to is New York City crazy Which really is a specific brand and flavor. Yeah, yeah Yeah, I get it everywhere. But LA has a hard work. LA's got car to car rage Car garage fucking you fucking fucking then you'll you guys will like I angled off once like to get into a lane with a guy Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I love that physical stuff doesn't happen as much right in LA when you are are you I feel like that's New York because you're outside in LA you are not In touch physically with as many people that annoys me some in New York you are you are with you subway I just was in LA and they lay on the horn hits green. I'm driving a stick shift. Okay. I get that I said motorcycle and stick shift and a lot and one sentence. Okay, but I so I have to put it in gear to go Every fucking time I'm putting in gear. There's the person some behind me with a giant Stanley cup and keychains on her thing And I'm like if you're in New York, you get shot right now You'll never be able to lay on a horn that long And laying on a horn like that is gang violence. People are very very yeah open with the horn So then I would every time I would just sit at the light if they lay on the horn and I was way you know one time I was in the valley and I was at the I was at the left-hand turning lane, right? Yeah, like you're gonna turn left at a light. Okay. The The car in front of me as a overweight man in a convertible nice and then there's a car in front of him That's in the intersection you follow. Yeah The the convertible big guy Lays on the horn. Yeah. Oh, okay. The car that's in front makes the turn Then the big guy then me The car that's in the very front kind of lingers And the big guy in the convertible turns into the bank and then I watch the guy It was in front go around and I was going to the bank. So I pull into the bank So I'm now I'm seeing this whole thing unfold We're having slapping the guy that got honked at steps out of his car He's like 64 yes black dude. Yes sunglasses. Yes. He's got a chick in the passenger seat He just walks over To the guy in the the fat guy in the me out fat guy in the little coat Yeah, it's like who the fuck you honking at you fat fuck. Yes. Yes, and the guy just sat there was like Yes, it's like yes, and then I was like this dude like you just feel like you're about to watch a Beat down or something and he just he goes just stay miserable. You fat fuck And then he just got his car and I just that guy was just like he just sat there for him And I was like I gotta go make a deposit that's so sick. Yeah, yeah, but I watched the whole thing unfold I love that that woman sucked the shit out of his cochlear you think so yeah Or you think she's like it's always scary when you do that when you pull into places and threaten people It's yeah, you're right. She's probably like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's more about what you yeah, yeah, yeah, I think a lot of women would be like this was terrifying But not the peaceful protest. I really like yeah, yeah, stay miserable is so sick. I remember he said it. Oh my god And he said he can joy like something like you stay in your miserable fat fuck life, you know, I like that. I respect that a lot I like words. I do like I'd like words. Yeah, I'm much way big word Yes Yeah, yeah, that's me on stage getting dragged because an intrusive thought took over uh huh. Yeah, I totally get what that woman She said I would never say something. She said it perfectly. Yeah, again slang iteration of it You know, like I wonder what this is in relation to I love that. I gotta know this back I know that feeling so well. We just worked something out and you're like, oh She was at freak fest. She didn't know it was happening that week. She was like, oh shit This sucks to take over the hotel and that's what she got. Oh, I love how that's what happened No, okay, I'm not can we see it again? Sure sure Which I wouldn't ever say That's awesome I love the defeated. That's what happened. You can't defend yourself. I know all about that I say shit all the time just because my brain is like one of you Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, your comedian. That's what happens. Yeah, it's crazy. It's impulse control And then here's the thing you don't you when someone goes, "Why would you say that?" They don't realize that it's currency. In other words, sometimes when you say the impulsive, totally wrong thing, it's so funny. So that you go, "Oh, sometimes I should just let this thing fly," right? And then you go, "Oh, I guess not all the time." - Yeah, and then you tell Shane when at- - Totally. - And where it's being shit. - Yeah. - When you say the wrong thing and then you're like, "I didn't do a documentary about it." - Yeah. - There was one time where it's amazing. And also whenever this was filmed, why was she saying that in relation to that? - That's what I got. - Not knowing the stories. - Can you guys look up the backstory? - Yeah, was it a carnival cruise? Why did she do this? - And she let's- - How did she know to put those words together? - That's my question. - Yeah, that's not an old person expression. - No, not at all. - Are you sure it's ain't shit or eat shit? - No, ain't shit. - You think she knew the phrasing? - This looks so cool. - I know it's old. It's like, I don't even think she was listening to the rap music that taught it to her. - No, I don't, I don't maybe we're hearing it wrong. - It's possible that it's dubbed over. - Is it AI? Is it dubbed over? - Yeah, it could be dubbed so I heard it just fine. Yeah. - Yeah. - Maybe just one more time. - That's fine. - What did you hear, Annie? - Oh, she said it. She said an ex-ain't shit. And it's definitely from rap. - What is, can I just get- - Can I just give you a chance? - Do you, can I ask you this? What do you think the story is for her sake? Like, what is your imagination of what the context of the story might be? - Yeah, she was angry at black people. - No way. - I'm being loud. - Loud somewhere. - Why would you say an ex-shit? - But an ex-shit is like, she was trying to think, I think that she wanted to say something that was reasonable. - That wasn't super racist. - Okay. - She's like, what do they say? - Oh yeah, yeah. - But how would she know that phrase? - Yeah. - How are radio? - You think she was like, do you think the stories, maybe she was like, I was at Applebee's, I was trying to get my meal. - Applebee? - Of them were being very distracting and I was like, and then they called me a bitch and then I was like, y'all ain't shit. - No. - Like something like that. - Black people don't like Applebee's. - You know what I'm saying? It's Outback Steakhouse. - Oh, you know what it probably was? There was black people yelling at her for something. She's yelling at them. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - They're talking in black sense, right? They're saying stuff. They're like, bitch, you ain't shit and she goes, blah, blah, blah, and shit. - Oh, to be like, you're not. - She code switched. - Yeah. - As many are wanting to do. Like a near elderly person to do that is what's the most standout. - Yeah. - But I've seen that when hosts go up and they take a black comic off stage, you've seen that. - Yeah. - And old comic being like, anyway, y'all, that, you know, that comic is sick. Keep going for the next guy and you're like, uh oh, uh oh. - Uh oh. - Yeah, he switched up. Yeah. - Sure. - I will say, she definitely fucks black dudes. - You sure? - First time saying that. - Yeah. - 'Cause that's not her first time saying that. She said it very comfortably. - Yeah. - Again, by the way. She said it in a way that she's had some boyfriends that she said you ain't shit too much. - Because here's the deal, man. I would in a million years never know to say that phrase. And I've heard, I've heard the things. - I'll tell you what I would do. - I would never think. - I would never do a documentary interview about the time I said it. - Yeah. - And then say it again. - Really great again. - I'd be like, I don't know. Do you have tape of that? 'Cause I don't remember saying that. - Yeah. - Yeah. - She just volunteering it. - I do stupid enough to repeat it. - Yeah, you would. - You'd be like, yeah. - You find anything Zolo? - Can't find anything on it, it's gotta be a dub over early. - No, I don't think so, dude. - One more time. - Let's look at her lips while she's saying it. - Yeah. - Okay. - And I y'all don't need 'cause he shit. - Yeah, that's there it is. - What are you saying, dude? - Never say. - Ever. - In a million years, but that's what happened. - I love, but that's what happened. - What happened? - It's what happened. It's what happened is a small way of saying, it's not what I said, it's what happened. - The worst thing. - It's almost like I'm not taking full accountability. Some shit happened. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Some shit went down. - Well, what is the world in which you're not responsible for it? You're so wrong. - Well, you know you are. - But you're trying to not be fully accountable. So what you do is you're like, and that's what happened. - That's what happened. - I heard that, and I felt like what she was saying is like, I mean, that's what it is though. Right, you know, like that's. - But you know they ain't shit, you know they ain't shit. And that's why I said it, yeah, that's what happened. - Right, right, right, right, right, right. - Wow. - Like I spoke truth to power. - I spoke truth to power. - Yeah. - And that's not on me. - That's a crazy thing. - I said the thing that everybody's thinking. - Yeah. - 'Cause she should have been like, 'cause you know, to the interviewer, you know. - Right, right. - You know what I mean, shit, right? - That's awesome. - That's the end of the clip. - That's the full clip. - And that's what happened. - I like that. - I like that. - Wait, did you find something? - Did you find it, Josh? - No. - I think I did, I think. - She looks like it's from this video. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, she did say it. - Oh, she does have a Massachusetts accent. This is making a lot more sense. Okay, so this was probably, oh, there she is. - Oh my god. - Oh, my god. - Well done. - This is the busing crisis in Boston, integrating. - Who didn't send their kids to public schools. - There it is. - And a few of the jerks that would appear on television, tell us, we can tell in us what to do with that gift. (audience laughing and cheering) - All over the country, where forced busing went into effect, there was resistance from both whites and blacks. - We are in a war. And we're going to win this one. - But nowhere did the conflict remain as bitter as its south Boston high. - South Boston. - In December, a white student, 17-year-old Michael Faith, was stabbed in all hell broke loose. (audience cheering and cheering) - That's what happened. - Michael Faith. - I'll be in the job. He looked just like a mommy. And he had blood all over him. And I yelled out, "Niggas eat shit." Which I wouldn't ever say. - Yeah, you would be. - It totally is what happened. - Maybe it's at all. - It's only when we think of this. - Well, this is, I mean, it's about the sevenies in the trolley film, this looks like it's at least 25 years old. - It was students that we would die. - But she didn't mean to say it. You're right, Annie. - God, James. - 100% meant to say it. - Yeah, I'm just kidding those guys. - Yeah, she meant it as bad as we think. She just is a little bit of a G, and she said it like that. Like, she's a little bit, she's a little bit in the rap culture. - But this is from 19th century. - She said it the way that, like, NWA says it. - Yeah, which is crazy. - It was like a hard Z. - She did not say it like an angry racist way lady. She said it like, but this was in 1970, she said the first, so she was ahead of her time. - She was way ahead of stuff. - Yeah, yeah. - She went on to work with that. - The context, she said somebody was stabbed, and they were wrapped like a mummy, and then she was like, you know who ain't shit? - Yeah, that's what she did. - That's crazy. - That is what she did. - Did this lady come up with that phrase? - That's what I'm thinking. - Wow. - That would be crazy. - It's really. - All right, I have to wrap up in a second, so let's watch her couple more. - Yeah, this was so good. - So fun. - Oh yeah. - This was awesome. - Protesting property tax. - This is Italy, I started your time. - He gave them, he gave them the finger. - Break dancing at a town meeting. - This is his filibustering, I'm assuming? - Yeah. - And. (laughing) - The guy behind him with the hand on the forehead, like this silly guy. - I would be shitting. - I would be laughing so hard. - I would never be able to keep it in. - They would kick you out of the room. - I would love this so much. - I love this so much. - Me too. - This makes me feel okay living another day. Oh my God, the breath out that he was like, thank you so much. - Thank you. - That was really good. I can tell he did a really good job. - Look how upset the white guys are. The elite whites are so mad. - Uh oh. - Did you know I can do the backspin? (laughing) - Anybody? - Watching me do the backspin? Say yes. - Somebody now. - When somebody asks, you say yes. - I'm gonna do the backspin. - Anybody? - Watch this. - Encourage me. - Watch this. - Oh shit, he can do it. That was good. - Mm. (gasps) - The bone. One guy laughing. - Yeah. - This guy is so sick. - He is a wedding ring. He's been married to him. - I don't know so much. (laughing) I never told the referendum was gonna bring it up for an average household about $400 a month of bank. And mine went up like $900 bucks. - Damn. - And I think we heard, we were told like that was from the schools or something. But the school referendum said it would only go up, you know, like I said. - Well, I think he got his point across. That was really cool. - That was rough. - Yeah. - Really, really cool guy. - It was so fun on a bus. - You know what's crazy is that if he just brings that up without the break dancing, it stays like just in this room. - Yeah. - Because he broke, he did the break dancing. It became a national, like everybody has seen this guy do this. - And now everybody knows the cause. - Yeah. - And it was $900 versus $400. - Right. - The injustice. That's good. - I know. - I got a good Irish Catholic guy for you. I can't believe it's in your folder. This guy. - Oh yeah. - Dude, look at this guy. - He's on these coasts too. Oh my God. - Oh yeah. Look for my height. I think I'm more free now. Jordan, don't even. - You know, it's really, we've really strayed far from God. Oh wow. - Here's the thing though, Jordan is that you're never gonna find him. - Is it Jesus? - He's a wizard. - We've been trying to get a hold of him for 15 years. He won't talk to us. - Listen, just, I just want you to reach out to him. - Do you want to, do you want to hear this guy fart? - Please. Yeah, yeah, I have a bunch of his farts. No, you don't. Yeah, it's King Ashropper. That's the King. Then he is for King Ashropper He won't he won't talk to us This is him, okay Wow, that's one take Oh, wow, yeah, and then he even does I'm farting on you haters like you and he'll fart on his food sometimes to eat it I went on a rant about the shark inspired by you Me just yelling at you being like you shit your pants. Yeah, yeah, you shit that you shit your pants. Yeah It's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy that you were like I was like did the air ride poop particles Yeah, I was talking about this because somebody I was talking about how all men shit their pants Yeah, and then I was like also this word shark Yeah, I thought that you guys were at poop particles were riding wind and you're like no I just thought I was farting a little shit and shit came out instead of fart and I'm like Yeah, that's just shit. Yeah, very interesting. You made me realize that it's crazy. I give you credit Okay, good. Thank you. Thank you because you really came out and I was like was it a stream and you're like yeah a short and I'm like No, my diaper was full. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy Listen, she is one of literally my favorite. She's one of the funniest people working today You could go see her live Jordan Jensen comedy.com, but for sure check out the new Netflix special take me with you It's on Netflix already getting rave reviews Podcasts be an Ian with Jordan and rip Jordan Jensen. It was dude. Thank you for coming in. Thank you I know I really feel happy you came come back again You're closer than me and Tommy at this point. Oh, no, some little lezzy's just hitting it off nice Thank you so much. Thank you guys next week You know what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to give Roger five guards and panties Not in pink. I won't say what goes with pink These are from Mickey S the Zedos since everybody's panties getting a wad when I come up here So send them to her, okay? Now these here. They can't even fit on my ankle. Did you see me in a book? Women are stupid. I have Not six We're love We're love You're protecting us. You people like me. You're protecting us. You people like me We're love I guess what my dad called a dental boss and guess what I did I put it away Like this and I made a lot of money. You have no idea who knows me You have no idea who knows me. Women are stupid. I have two proofs not six. I have six months I have two proofs not six. I have six months We're love We're love We're protecting us. You people like me. We're protecting us. You people like me We're love We're love I guess what my dad called a dental boss and guess what I did I put it away Something like this and I made a lot of money