9 Do's and Don'ts of an In-Home Separation

Understanding Clarity, Consistency, and Cooperation in Separation Life Audio Hi there, it's Dana Shea and welcome to the rebuilding us marriage podcast. How to do an in home separation successfully. You didn't stand before a pastor or priest an efficient at your wedding and say until we separate. No, it was till death do us part right. Hey, hey friends, it's Dana Shay and you're listening to the Rebuilding Us Marriage podcast. Today's conversation is going to piggyback on the two previous episodes we've been talking about separating. Now, if you know me, if you've listened to any of my content, if you've watched any of my videos, you know that I am 100% pro marriage. And I'm going to say that all throughout this episode because I don't want you to think that I am someone who is encouraging you to separate. I believe in marriage. I want you to fight for your marriage. I want you to stick and stay. I believe that God can do incredible things in your marriage, but there are some time situations where a separation may be warranted. I'm not going to get into all of those reasons, but go back and listen to episode 406 if you haven't already listened to that one, because I'm talking in that episode specifically about how to separate with purpose, how to separate the smart way. If you remember that one, that was an acronym that I gave you for how we can actually make good decisions through the separation process. And then last week S episode, we talked about having a plan. Why? Because most people do not plan to fail. They fail to plan. And so it's just like with anything else in life, if you do not have a plan of action, if you just think we're just going to separate and it's just going to workout, it's not going to workout. OK, You're going to be surprised and not in the good way. So I highly recommend that you have a plan of separation. All right, So what I want to talk about in this particular episode is something that I do not hear talked about at at all, really. For sure, not often. And it's how to do an in home separation successfully. Maybe you're going through a situation in your marriage where you realize, OK, we need to separate, but maybe for financial reasons, you just cannot. Like there is absolutely no way that you can carry on 2 households. Or maybe there's some sort of a rare situation, like I'm thinking maybe a child, you have a child with special needs and you can't separate because both of you need to be, you know, doing certain things for that that child. I don't know the, the again, these situations are more rare, but there are situations like military, right? Like let's say you and your spouse in the military and you're stationed overseas for a year or for two years. You probably don't want to go get another house in that other country for what should be a temporary situation. So there are situations like that and of course, many, many more where an in home separation might be your best bet. So before we get into these 9 tips on how to have a successful in home separation, I want you to remember 3 words, actually six. I'm going to give you 3 positive words and I'm going to give you 3 negative words. OK? And this is going to guide our time together because you're going to hear me keep coming back to these words. All right? So I want you to say yes to clarity, consistency and cooperation. Let's say I'm together. Clarity, consistency, cooperation, one more time. Clarity, consistency, cooperation. If you do not have a clear plan, and This is why I'm telling you, you must have a plan when you're separating. Because if you are not clear, the whole thing is going to break down. If you are not consistent with your boundaries, which we're going to talk about, if you're not consistent with your communication, the whole thing is going to fall apart. OK. And if you are not cooperating, let's say there's one spouse that's like, I didn't want the separation anyway. I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Yeah. We still live in that same house, so you're still going to cook for me. And, like, obviously that's not going to work. So we must remember clarity, cooperation, consistency. Now, three negative words. I also want you to remember, OK. And that is confusion, consequences and chaos, let's say them together. Confusion, consequences, chaos. We do not want those in our marriage or in our separation plan. No confusion. And the plan that I'm going to lay out for you today is going to help you with that. OK, so there shouldn't be any confusion. You shouldn't be 6 months into your in home separation or three months or six weeks into it thinking what is going on here? Like I'm so confused. No confusion. OK, but this is also not about consequences. Now, if you're separating because you need to teach your spouse a lesson and you're going to punish them, you're probably not going to have a healthy and home separation or traditional separation that will lead to reconciliation. So be careful with using this as a tool to punish your spouse. All right. And then the third thing that I want you to shy away from is chaos. OK, We don't need to be in drama and trauma and meltdown mode. Now, is there going to be some pain and stress with the separation, even an in home separation? Yes, because this was not what your marriage was supposed to look like. You didn't stand before a pastor or priest an efficient at your wedding and say until we separate, No, it was till death do us part right? So yes, there's going to be some pain and yes, this is hard. It's hard for everybody, but I want you to go into this not thinking this is going to be chaotic. This is going to this just not going to work. This is going to be crazy. No, no, no, you can actually employ these 9 tips I'm about to share with you so that you can have a much better success rate at your in home separation. OK, I hope you guys are ready to dive in. I have so much to share, and I'm going to try to do all of this in our normal podcast time, which is about 30 minutes. Defining Your Separation's Purpose, Boundaries, and Time Limits All right, So the first thing that I want you to know is you must define your purpose. Number one, why are we separating? What's the point? What's the purpose of this? Are we separating unto reconciliation? Are we separating unto healing? Or are we separating because I don't like you anymore? I don't want to sleep in the same bed with you. You're messy. We need to separate again. Go back and listen to episode 406. I layout some some what I believe are really the only valid reasons for a separation. And again, everything that I teach you all is from a faith-based biblical worldview. So your worldview might be if my spouse isn't doing it for me anymore, I'm out. That's not a biblical worldview. It's certainly not even in non religious settings. Most people don't look at marriage that way. So I want you to make sure that if you don't have a purpose, that you go back and listen to that episode so that you know why we're doing this. And then your spouse needs to know and y'all need to be on the same page about the purpose of your separation. So that's numero Uno. You've got to be able to define your why. Why are we separating? OK #2 You must, you must establish clear boundaries. Clear boundaries. This is going to save you so much frustration. Listen, listen. This is going to save you so much heartache, so many unnecessary conversations. When you establish clear boundaries, what are the rules of engagement? Are you able to come into my bedroom? You live in the basement, Sir. Why are you in my bedroom? Are you still deciding that we're going to sleep together? Like, not necessarily have sex, but we're going to sleep in the same bed. Maybe we're going to stay separated all day, but we're going to stay in that same bed. Yikes. That's going to be difficult for many reasons, but like, what are your boundaries? It's not on me to tell you what your boundaries are. That's a conversation that you and your spouse need to have so that you both can know what are our boundaries. But both of you need to be able to clearly communicate what the boundaries are. Don't have like 12 boundaries, OK Have like 3 or 4 that you know that you're going to stick to and that you're going to be accountable to and keep each other accountable to, OK? One of the biggest ones that I can think of, obviously I just mentioned it is personal space, but there are other boundaries, communication boundaries, financial boundaries, other things that you're going to need to talk about so that you both can establish these very clear boundaries. OK #3 set a time limit. Now you have heard me talk about this in episode 4 O 6 and in episode 4 O 7 where I lay out a plan for separation. But I'm mentioning it again because it is important that you know how long this thing is supposed to last. Are we separating for 30 days or are we separating for one year? If one of you thinks that we're just doing this temporarily until my spouse kind of cools down, but the other person is like, Oh no, no, like this is going to be like a clear year. Well then do you see how the chaos has just ensued? You just introduced chaos right there because you don't have a time plan. So make sure that both of you know how long this thing is supposed to last. Now let me tell you something with the timeline. I was asked from the the other episodes when I said, you know, make sure that you have a plan and that it's an established plan. Someone wrote in and said, well, what if it's like, you know, getting better after? I think they said like, what if it, what if your marriage is being restored after like 3 months? Great off That's great. Like that's what we want, right? We want reconciliation. However, when you have a time plan, you can give yourself little checkpoints. So in 30 days, come together and say, how's this working? How are you feeling? Are you growing? Are you learning? What are you learning? Am I changing right? You can have these checkpoints along the way and I would highly recommend that you have them. Whether you're doing a traditional separation or an in home separation, have some checkpoints. Remember those metrics that we talked about in episode 406 when I gave you that SMART acronym? Is it measurable, right? How do you measure the changes? You're looking for some specific metrics. This is a great time to look and see if those metrics have been met at a 30 day mark, at a 60 day mark, at a 90 day mark, and if you have a prolonged separation, you can do it once a month or you can do it once a quarter, but have a timeline. Please do not let this thing just go on until the cows come home because the cows not coming and then you're going to be stressed. All right, so there's six more tips that I want to give you. And I don't know about you all, but you might want to get a pen and pad. But first we have to take a break for a word from our sponsor. And let me just encourage you all. I love hearing your podcast reviews or reading your podcast reviews. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while and you've never written a podcast review, I would love if you would take the time to go on Apple Podcast or Spotify and just let people know what this podcast means to you. It does so much for the podcast and it helps other people to be able to find the show just like you. So don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Hey friends, Dana Shay here breaking into the episode real quick to let you know about my new book, Tried and True Marriage Advice from 12 Imperfect Biblical Couples. If you have not already purchased this book, if you don't have it on Audible, you need to get a copy of this book. I specifically wrote this book for marriages in the middle. And that means marriages that you're not like in Splitsville yet, but you're not doing great marriages that are probably considering a separation or maybe you would if you could. I want you to make sure that you get this book. You can get it in paperback, ebook or audiobook. Simply go to triedandtruemarriagebook.com and get your copy. I also have a free five day devotional that you can get at Tried and True marriagebook.com. You're going to love this book and it's going to help you to get out of that messy middle of your marriage. Tried and true marriagebook.com. Prioritizing Individual Healing and Clear Communication Rhythms All right, so before the break, we were talking about some of these 9 tips on how to have a successful in home separation. We talked about knowing your why. We talked about defining and establishing clear boundaries. And then we talked about making sure that you have a timeline, a timeline for your separation. This is how long we're going to be separated and then having some checkpoints along the way. OK, let's continue with #4 #4 is make sure that you prioritize individual healing and growth. When you're separated, you're going to have the tendency to look over at your spouse and be like, are they changing? Are they doing all the things that they need to do? They were supposed to do this, this and this, but what about you? So this is a time for you to heal. This is a time for you to grow. So be sure to prioritize that. And maybe your spouse isn't doing the work. That's one of the metrics that you're going to be looking at, right? But try not to get so bogged down on what your spouse is doing and is not doing that you forget about your own healing and your own growth. So that's a really big one. Prioritize your own healing. That might look like going to therapy. That might look like hiring a coach. Maybe it's not a marriage coach. Maybe it's a life coach or a financial coach or a fitness coach. Maybe you need to get in shape. You need to start working out again. You need to get all the junk out of your refrigerator and pantry and start eating healthy, whatever it might be. Maybe you need to get a second job, I'm not sure. Maybe you need to read more books, listen to podcasts. Whatever it is that you need to do though for your own individual healing, be sure to prioritize that during this time #5 communicate clearly as often as your boundaries allow. I started to say communicate clearly and often, but maybe your boundary is we only talk once a week for important things. That's totally fair. So if that's the case, you don't want to be communicating often. You shouldn't be texting your spouse everyday like you all did when you were together because you're separated, even though you're in the home together. So you all need to establish what consistent communication looks like. OK, And This is why again, they these conversations surrounding separation. This is not like a one and done. It's not like you just talk about this the moment that you decide to separate and you never revisit these conversations, you're going to have to come back again. OK and communicate. What are you communicating about? You're communicating about children if you have them because just because you all are separated doesn't mean that you're not still a family. And that sense that you still, both of you carry responsibilities towards your children. So you're going to need to have the conversations about kids. You're also going to need to talk about how things are going again. How do you decide if metrics are being met? If you're not communicating, you're going to need to talk about finances, right? There's so many things that you know you're still going to need to talk about. So just establish some consistent rhythms, if I can put it that way sometimes, that you're going to communicate as often as your personal boundaries, the boundaries that you all set and establish as often as that allows. Setting Metrics, Dividing Responsibilities, and Navigating Children's Needs OK, number six, what are those metrics and markers that need to change? Again, I discussed this in the two previous episodes, but I'm going to hit it again real quick because some people do not even understand like what they're looking for to change. They're just like, the marriage is bad and I'm done. OK, what about the marriage is bad though? Is it your spouse is neglecting you? Is it your spouse is being emotionally abusive? Is it that they are spending a whole bunch of money? Maybe they have a gambling problem and they're getting you all in debt. What is it? So once you know like what is broken, then you can create the metrics or the markers to address those things. So if you have a gambling addiction, then you might need to get in therapy, or you might need a separate bank account, or you might need to have X amount of money saved instead of spent every paycheck. Whatever those metrics are, make sure that you have them. And then a really great time again to revisit those metrics is when you're doing your 306090 day checkpoints. If that's what the rhythm is that you decide #7 big, big divide household responsibilities. Listen, what I'm not going to be doing is acting like I am your chef, your maid, your maintenance person. And we're separated, OK? So we need to divide the household responsibilities especially. And I'm, again, I'm generalizing a little bit. I know that there are some husbands who take on more of the responsibilities in the home than the wives, but let's just go with the traditional trad wife setup, OK? Let's say you're a wife and you do all of the stuff. You cook, you clean, you sew, you're out there cutting the grass like you do it all. When you're separated, it says you don't have to do all that, OK? Because guess what your husband will be doing if he had his own place? All of that. So it is OK for you to divide some responsibilities. And this just might be good marriage advice anyway. But anyway, that's another topic. I'm not going to broach that today. You need to divide the household responsibilities. OK, this is my room. Now. You're not going to be in here using my shower and doing all the things right? Because #boundaries. So now I will be completely responsible for keeping this area clean. I do not go in the basement that is your space, or in the spare bedroom that is your space. So I will not be going in there to clean or vacuum or dust or clean blinds or wash windows if that is such a thing because I have never washed my windows. But maybe some of y'all are better than me. And you wash your windows. So you just need to understand what household responsibilities need to be divvied up. Who's going to cook? Is it every man for themselves finest the kids? Hopefully, hopefully you still feed your children when you're going through a separation. But like, are you going to cook for your spouse if you're separated? I'm not telling you to do it or not to do it. I'm just saying that you need to decide what those responsibilities are. Lawn care again, if you now this this it's home because I have never ever and never ever have I ever cut my grass. Not one time. OK, so if God forbid me and Sean were to separate, my grass would look like a forest or I would have to hire a company. So you may need to decide what you need to do. OK, My point is, is that things are going to change even in an in home separation. And they should because the whole point is to see what life is like apart so that you can heal while you're apart. If you're still pretending and doing everything as if you were together, then you're not really separated. So divide those household responsibilities accordingly. That might take a few conversations. OK, And listen, you might have to negotiate on some things. You probably will have to negotiate on some things. Speaking of negotiations, children #8. You need to decide what's going to happen with the kids. Now, in last week's episode, I believe it was, yes. When I was talking about the plan of separation, I was saying I do not agree with separating the children. So for example, let's say you're doing a traditional separation and one spouse, it decides to move 30 miles away and they're like, well, I'm going to take the son with me. You keep the daughter with you. I don't think that's wise. I think your children are already going through enough. Mom and dad being separated. Now I got to be separated from a sibling. Even if they don't like their sibling, it's still hard. So try to keep the kids together. OK, But you need to have conversations about things like pick up and drop offs. Who's responsible for that? Now we're, we're technically separated, right? Even though we're doing an in home separation, Who's going to pick up the kids? Who's going to drop off the kids? What if I want to go out for a night with the girls or you want to go out for a night with the guys? Like, do we just leave and just assume that the other parent is going to be there, to, quote, babysit the children? Like, do you see how messy that could get? Well, why did you leave? Well, because you're home. Yeah, but I had somewhere to go or I was planning on having a quiet night to myself. Well, you didn't tell me that. So This is why the communication thing has to happen. All right, But decide what what's going to happen with the children. And yes, you're going to need to have a conversation with your children. Even if you're doing an in home separation, you might be thinking, well, let's do an in home separation because that way we don't have to talk about this with the kids. It's going to be less stressful and chaos for them. Do you not think your children are going to realize something's different here? Something's different. You might be able to pretend and hide for a little bit, but not for long. And they're going to have questions. And I have found that the more you communicate, the safer your children feel. Not the opposite if you're not saying anything and y'all are just like being nice to each other. But kids can sense tension. Kids aren't stupid, they know. So just talk to them and let them know mom and dad were doing an in home separation. Listen, I, I kind of teased this out a few episodes ago where I said Sean and I tried this in home separation. We broke all the rules, y'all, None of the we didn't do any of this stuff. That's why I'm telling you what works and what does not work, okay? We didn't have boundaries. He was sleeping in the room half the time. It was just, it was a mess. You know, we were, we were not healthy back then at all. All right, So I'm telling you these things because I have lived these things, OK? It's not going to go well for you if you do not put these things in place. Engaging in Crucial Conversations for Marital Restoration The 9th and final tip that I want to give you today is crucial conversations. Now. We've talked about conversations about finance. We've talked about conversations surrounding children. We've talked about conversations even with your friends and loved ones, right? You need to tell people that you're separated. But this is something that I want to talk to you about crucial conversations as far as your marriage, this would be a really good time to circle the wagons and discover why you got married in the 1st place. Like why don't we even do this? Why don't we get married? Especially when you've been married for a long time, you can really get in the habit of just going with the flow and just life, life and right, just life happens and you're just like trying to keep up that you lose sight of why you even married your spouse. So there are some crucial conversations. There's literally a book, I think I have it in here in my office. It's a book called Crucial Conversations. You guys may have heard of it. I'll link to it. I'm trying to find it. I'll link to it in the show notes of this podcast episode. But that might be a really good book for you to get. It teaches you how to have crucial conversations. It's not going to tell you like the conversations that you need to have per SE, but how to have these conversations. Because you all know that a conversation can make or break a relationship. And if you're considering separation, your relationship is probably already fractured. So the way that you approach these conversations really matter. But listen, this is not the time to avoid and to ignore if there is something awry. This is your moment. This is when you bring it up. This is when you address it. And you probably are not going to be able to address it on your own. You're probably going to need a therapist, a counselor or a marriage coach, depending on the severity of your situation. If you're dealing with mental health disorders, addictions, things of that matter, you need a therapist. If you're dealing with communication, a lack of trust, that's good for a coach. All right, So you have to decide who you're going to bring into the mix. You may even need a pastor, I don't know, but you're going to need a third party. You're going to need somebody to help walk you all through this if you're going to do this successfully. Now, maybe you've been through an in home separation. You've done it and you're like, oh, Dana, this is really what we did that worked. I'd love to hear from you. I would love to hear from you because like I said, my in home separation was not successful because I didn't do any of this stuff. None of it. I think we may have had the we had the conversations, we had conversations about kids and I was like, and I'm not going to be taking the kids everywhere. And that was the conversation. So hopefully you did it better and you have a story that you would love to share. I would love to hear from you so you can e-mail me at [email protected]. For the rest of you, listen, my heart goes out to you because again, I know that none of us stood before an altar and thought this is where my marriage was going to end up. You likely thought that your marriage will be way different, but here you are. And so I want to encourage you that divorce is not your only option. It isn't. There are so many other options that you have before you get to that breaking point of divorce. And let's make no mistake, it is a breaking. This is not meant to condemn you if you've been divorced, but it is to let you know that is not a quick fix. That is not going to solve all your problems. As a matter of fact, it's going to introduce a whole world of new problems. So before you jump to divorce, consider maybe if an in home separation might be a good option for you. So thanks so much for listening or watching. Speaking of, do you know that all of my podcast episodes are on YouTube? So if you'd like to watch me speak and not just listen to me speak, you can head over to youtube.com forward slash at Misses Dana Shea. I am at Misses Dana Shea on all social media platforms. So I would love if you would give me a follow and I will see you all on the next episode. Take care.