#8 - The Hidden Addiction That’s Controlling You

You ever wonder why a text from the wrong person hits harder than silence from the right one? Why you feel a high when someone tells you you're different. But crash when they don't reply for 24 hours? You're not chasing love, you're chasing validation. And like any addiction, it always leaves you empty. Welcome to the social code where we decode life, behavior and all the stuff nobody wants to talk about. So we're going to anyway. If you're over small talk and you're ready to dig into the truth about yourself, your habits, and the world around you, you're in the right place. I'm Pete. I'm here with my brother Stan C and Johnny P and we ain't holding back. This is real talk unfiltered for me and who have lived through some stuff and came out with a message. This is the social code. All right, welcome back everybody. I'm Pete. If you've done forgot our names, I mean we've been doing this for a little while now. I hope you got our names down. I'm here with Johnny P and Stan C. We're excited to be back here doing this again and man a lot of stuff has been happening with this podcast. I mean I am just amazed at like the following that we're getting. I mean people in Russia and Turkey and where was the one that starts with the e? Estonia. Estonia. I mean we got people in Estonia, listen. I mean that's just about Germany, Canada, and was there another one? I don't want to leave anybody out but I mean it's just been awesome and there's been so many comments coming in, emails coming in. Not all just great and Hunky Dory and saying we're doing an awesome job. So there's a few that are criticizing and hey we want those too because those are going to help us get better. Yeah, the help us grow. You know a lot of the stuff that is the negative I guess you would say the criticism that's coming in for it is again it's good but we are still sitting in Johnny's house doing this podcast at a dining room table. I'm just we were hoping to have the studio ready when Miss Tennessee came back. Wow what a podcast that was. Oh absolutely. That was awesome to have her in here but we're good stuff right there. We're hoping to get a my little studio put together. We're going to have better sound that some of the things that have been coming out and just it's just going to make everything better when we can actually get this in a studio. Yeah I can't wait to have that studio set up all the time. We'll just walk in and just get started and get right into the vibe of doing this podcast. I'm really enjoyed doing it so far. I'm learning a lot about myself just because some of the topics that we bring up. Oh yeah. And it helps me dive deeper into my own personality and who I am and I'm relating to a lot of people out there who contact me and tell me how much it helped them and made them look at things about themselves that they never looked at before. The name no existed so it's been a it's been an awesome experience so far. Yeah there's been a lot of stuff that has popped up and you know I say a lot and I share and I'm told I'm a wide open book and I'm going to share my life with you through this whole or deal as long as I'm allowed to do this and I'm going to share you know the ends and out of my life and that's why I agreed to do this because somebody's going to be able to help. There's people in my past that have had no idea what I was going through and we've talked about that why I didn't open up why I didn't show that you know everything was hidden back then and it's all changing now that's all in the wide open so the way that I view things are from my perspective of everything if you know people that I'm talking about I guess is what I'm getting at if you know people that I'm talking about through this you know don't go to them and put that on them because that could bring up some pain that could bring up some trauma for them so you keep everything focused on Pete so if Pete is throwing something out there and you know my life you know all the people in my life you leave that trauma on Pete there's there's enough blame to go around to everybody that's been in my life but Pete has taken the blame today I don't want you to bring up things for anybody else out there in my life. Yeah I'm in the same boat it's a good it's a good place to be in the responsibility of your past and everything the trauma all of it put it all on myself not allow it to affect anybody else anymore then when I already have let it at one time. Yes not saying that we're taking all the blame so to speak but we're not we're not trying to interrupt anybody else's life at this point so I guess it's what I'm getting at don't take something that I say and go ask somebody about it they might not have dealt with it yet and you're gonna bring up something in the past you know if you've got questions about what I'm saying email me call me text me if you have my number leave a comment whatever you want to do but bring that to me. Yeah I guess I'm not following what you were saying because I took that as well you've taken responsibility of yes well I'm just saying there's always three sides to everything my side their side and the right I guess as long as I'm getting that you know what I'm saying or we're following each other yet I think so yeah because but I'm over here thinking like I do want to interrupt some people's lives I want this podcast interrupt some people's lives I want them to hear it and be like well no no no I needed to hear that and now I need to do something about it no I get you there no 100% so if I'm talking about somebody and then yes I guess they need to deal with it that's what you're saying right I'm just saying that no no no not if you're talking about somebody but if if I'm talking about a relationship that see I'm not with you why are we on different pages here what are you talking about because I'm saying you're talking about if we're talking about wearing masks and then somebody hears that and I want to interrupt their life like that when they say oh man maybe I am wearing a mask we're not talking about them but we're talking about everyday things and issues that we go through and have which then can interrupt their life because it makes them realize oh I do that too okay so you're actually no we're something we're on the same page so now if you're talking about let's just say you're talking about me and I need to take a mask off and you're throwing that out there and I need to work but I need to work on myself correct I know you don't want to stand since he knows both of us coming to talk to me about what you said I want our God Dr. Tammy is over there or we still totally lost in everybody else because I right now it's because I'm like he's got about tonight I mean today what is going on with these guys I mean they're all over the board you know that's one of the beautiful things that I've come to realize about doing this podcast because I think I shared with you early on that when these guys asked me to join a podcast I laughed you know there ain't no way because this is way out of my comfort zone ironic saying is since we've began this podcast each week I've grown stronger and really look forward to it because I know we are touching people's lives and I know how much not just you two but being able to voice some things that I've shared that I don't think I've shared in years and years and years and some of it I don't recall ever sharing about some of my personal issues and life that I've dealt with but I love it keep it coming and I welcome like as Pete said I welcome the suggestions and critiques because I know hopefully my lips' makings got better since we started this because I was really bad at that and years to water also came into that hydration also my head goes in 20 different directions so I don't not always pointing at the mic so I know sometimes it's people who said they can't hear me a lot of us there's sometimes I wish I couldn't hear me I love it and man we welcome each each podcast is I've gone home and thought and really looked at my role in it and learned so many things that I didn't think was possible about me and that's pretty big statement because Saturday I'll be 70 and I shouldn't be having to learn these things when I'm 70 I learned them over the years but being reminded now we're gonna keep this up because they won't let me in the room yeah I think that's the beautiful thing about these podcasts is it was our intention to bring the awareness to everyday issues that people have find a solution to help people work on those things but what it's turning out to do is we're working on ourselves I mean we're bringing up things that we're going through or have been through and it's just a refresher of what we need to keep doing to stay on a healthy path yeah and that's what I was saying too is we're bringing up a lot and we're stirring up a lot in other people and and I myself think that's a good thing because if you're if something is getting stirred up and then I was talking about this last night if something's getting stirred up in you and it's really bugging you or it really agitated you that's that's only you yes why is that bother you you're given another person authority in your life and if that if something somebody else says really gets under your skin that's that's a you problem and you need to find out why right that is getting under your skin there's always there's always an answer to the why on that absolutely and I've learned that early in my recovery that no matter what I'm feeling or thinking because of some what somebody said or did or acted it's like well why does that affect me so much right now like what's the real reason behind this and then of course everybody's answered so that is well because he said this or she said that or she did this and it's well let's go deeper than that why does it bother you and then ask why when you get the answer to that and then if you get to an answer where why isn't the question asked you say well so what and then just figure this is how you figure out about yourself and what makes you tick and why does it make you tick and then when you get there you can fix that and then you won't let people bother you anymore yeah I mean a small example of that is I just had this with somebody else and that was about work And I said all that and then I said a whole lot more to them, but they're like, you know Well, I can't just every situation you know like if I say a certain thing at work just somebody You know if they're getting on me I can't just whatever because I might lose my job or whatever Still the choice nobody says you have to be at that job Now I'm not saying go out and there quit your job because you don't like somebody there I'm just saying there's a choice for everything And there's a way out everything there's a why to everything we just had to figure out that we have to ask the right questions You know just because somebody's getting under my skin there's a reason for it But it's probably a me problem and I need to find out why yes Let me work on me because there's a lot of people today that still get under my skin, but you will never know it because I Don't really care anymore because I've worked on me and I've worked so much Mess out of me. I'm on a different playing field now. So when people do come at me I've already answered those questions and I'm not gonna let them get to me Mm-hmm, and I try to answer those questions immediately because I get convicted Yeah, I get convicted a lot on that you know I can relate to my own situation at work. I've gotten to the point where I don't like going there But I'm also whenever I get a little bit fired up inside and want to say something I talk and have that conversation with myself. Well, hey look You're almost 70 you've got a lot of limitations and they're still allowing me to work So it's my choice if I don't like it that much I need to get out right but when I start weighing the options and looking at Realistically, it's nothing. I mean because they don't really have the ability to Effect my attitude outside of work, but at the job I say this for any prayer a whole lot during the day sometimes and I really have to Be honest, I have to turn to God and one thing I have noticed when I do allow people to get to me The words almost ready to be verbalized is Realized that I took my eyes off of God and asked for his help and discernment and wisdom and it works Yeah, taking your eyes off of God. That's a big deal That's when you can you can notice a difference in your behavior in the way your your attitude is towards other people at work If you're at work and you're getting corrected or you're doing everything right You do a hundred things right But you're told about the one thing you don't do right and that really just gets on your skin and you want to say something Why sounds like ego to me. I mean the pride right? Yeah, it's pride And it's that's also it could be coming from somebody respect So now you get your feelings hurt, you know, and you want to just be praised You're not getting the praise that you want it all comes down Like you said it all come back to me and what is what's my issue behind all this? Which probably stems from something when you're a child exactly that a parent did or said or didn't do or didn't say And it's affecting you today because why not just say okay and move on exactly Okay, what do move on? Thanks, Johnny. I needed that good. Hey, man. You broke this. Yeah, you're right All right, what do you want to do about it? Do you want to buy another one or do I need to fix this one? Do I need to buy another one? What are we? Let's just solve this problem. Yeah Right, you know, I mean there's totally different way and the friend of ours is you know, it's not how you Or you shouldn't react to something you should respond And you know he brings in the When you go to the doctor and you've tried a new prescription or whatever and you have a bad reaction It's always bad or you have a reaction to it. It's always bad if you have a response to it You're responding well. So it's good. So I like the way that he put that you know, we need to quit reacting to things and we need to start responding to things if Thing if somebody is stirring something up in you I look at that now as a good that gives me an opportunity to work on myself and my My journey is not over. Oh me being all well and all healed up with her over So one of our friends says to my journey is a lifelong So until the day that I die, I'm going to be working on myself So if somebody does that get it under my skin I'm going to figure out why and I'm going to take that along for another healing journey And it just takes me down another path to get better in the meetings that we go to and people that I know that we enter I just wish that they could get to that point What it took me a long time to get to is what you just said what's my role in it and why I can respond so much better now Then I could 10 15 years ago and it was a long process. I wish I could see more of the younger people grasping that I think a lot of it comes back down to people wanting to be in control too I see a lot of that where something aggravating you at work and you ask yourself why and it's because the that person is not acting The way that you wanted them to do that day the way your expectations are not being met So now you're upset because it didn't go how you wanted so now your attitude is trying to change it Trying to make it to the situation that you want it to be so it's all about Trying to be in control and again, that's because you're not letting God be the controller for you You're trying to play God in your own life and you're and everybody's life around you. Oh, amen And a lot of it comes back to what we're supposed to be talking about today And we just went off on a whole different tangent here, but I mean it was some good talk and I'm glad we did it But it goes back to validation. It's absolutely validation. We're seeking validation And that's something that we have to work on too and get past, right? Yeah, when Johnny was speaking I mean that we're passing through my mind most of the times is Depends on who you're talking to whether it's the CEO of the company or a sidekick that you know that has an issue with you So they when I see him go crying to the boss is I laugh anymore Supposedly I said something to him that made one of them break out crying because I hurt their feelings Which I didn't say anything I showed him something but it work and you know, it just kills me that whenever this the CEO or Whoever points out something to me is I'm kind of like peace that like what's what's the solution here? How do you want me to fix it? I've never been one to back away I mean if I make a mistake I'm the first one to go up there and say hey, I did this. It's my bad. What can we do as long as it doesn't get out the door I've always considered it's not a mistake and let's it gets out the door to the customer And that saved me a whole lot than having to have a three-person conversation about his fault Per fault You know in our fault. Yeah, let's let's figure out what the problem is and attack the problem not each other Absolutely. We're talking about the validation today and validation addiction Which is the compulsive need to seek affirmation or attention or approval from others in order to feel good about yourself So some symptoms of that is constantly checking your phone for likes, text or reactions You feel anxious or insecure if you're not being noticed or complimented Or changing who you are to fit in or gain approval. That's a huge one I've done that one personally over the years You need others to confirm your decisions or your identity and then you have emotional crashes when you're ignored or criticized or rejected I see that a lot went through that as well That's a big one today for a lot of people And again, we go back to the root causes of these things and that's mostly something that's happened in childhood So it's neglect or conditional love he only feel loved when you perform a certain way So then life becomes a performance and then you got the trauma That people who go through trauma they've created a self-worth deficits Then you got social conditioning which is being rewarded for people pleasing or perfectionism been there and A lack of internal identity or self-validation system it begins a cycle and it starts with feeling insecure Then you go and you seek validation Then you get temporary relief from that validation And then after that comes the crash or that feeling of emptiness And so what are you doing you have that crash or that feeling of emptiness? You go right back to feeling insecure And then you go seek validation And it just becomes this toxic cycle So your feet and the hungry ghost that only gets hungerier Yeah Sounds like an addiction It sounds more of addiction Of an addiction than a lot of addictions That's not that sounded familiar Yeah and it just Validation it triggers again we go back to the brain chemicals It triggers the dopamine reward system So every light compliment or all that hits Just like a drug does but the effect where's the effects wears off quicker And that's when you're left just needing more to feel okay to feel what we're talking about validated Yeah, I just did a training and that was about how that works and We focus on drugs when we're talking about addiction we focus on drugs alcohol Chemical but man this the validation I mean video games all that kind of stuff man It messes with our brain and it changes that pathway for that dopamine And so that part of the brain that and I'm not going to get off into it people don't worry about it Just just trying to get to a point here But there's a part in our brain that's like for impulses And it says yeah, that's a good idea, but I'm probably not going to do it You know that's gone when when we start going to full blown we mess up that dopamine track How it's post-of-flow and then then we start having to have that hit And then that's when we need that's when it comes full blown addiction because it it goes from I would like to do that to I want to do that to I'm doing that to a gotta do that I'll do whatever I have that to survive That's how our brain changes as we if we don't lock this stuff down Yeah, dopamine is the real drug Oh really? That's that's what everybody's searching for You know. You hit on a couple of great points there that I remember early on in recovery after staying out there for eight years and then coming back and really seeking it. The addiction to alcohol and drugs, the physical addiction, I accepted the fact back there when I did a lot of studies out of Houston and related the brains of alcoholics to heroin addicts in the slums. Those two are physical addictions, except it has been diseases. So this emotional mental, man, that's been an area that's messed with me for a long time and being able to focus in on it 'cause it's a whole lot easier to recognize something as it is these and say, okay, this will help me on my journey to make myself a better person but I've got many struggles with the emotional aspect. - Oh yeah, that's probably the hardest part 'cause I've been addicted, obviously I've talked about that before to the prescription pills, the alcohol, the adrenaline chasing the women, you know, the one that no one ever talks about is the addiction to being enough, to wanting to be enough, not loved but just enough. There was a time in my life when I didn't want it people to just like me, I needed to be seen as irreplaceable. Yeah, I wanted to be important and chosen, you know, behind every drug, every high, every stage, your platform that I had or any room that I would run, any party that I would throw, there was that little boy still waiting here, you're good. You're safe and you're enough, even if you do nothing. But I never heard it so I kept chasing it. Now I found the short term dopamine hits that gave me just enough to keep me going until I got the next one and that's what life became is just going from one moment of validation to the next. Whenever I would go through that crash, that's whenever I would go drink or try to get high and try to get out of that feeling of not being enough. - Oh, I used to have that issue especially in my younger life, it carried over also with chasing the friendship of somebody I really wanted to be friends with, but more importantly, it carried over into my romantic life of chasing what I thought was the perfect woman from my life. Somebody to settle down with, have kids and the white picket fence. And so the challenge was always there until I got to a point where I thought in myself, well, I've conquered them, I've got them where I want, that's not really what I want. - Yeah. - So then, okay, let's move on to the next one. - Because it really isn't what you're needing. And I didn't recognize anything. - We thought that's what we, I should say, we thought that's what we needed, but we were always looking for answers. And then when we got the answer that one that we thought was gonna be it, was never it. - No, we pushed it for all to lead. - And start looking for the next thing that we think might fix that or fill that void. - Guilty. - Yeah, you know, I've dated women in the past, talking to you about that. - Earlier Stan, how I used to use women just to feel validated everywhere I went because if I had a really gorgeous woman next to me, you can walk in the room, you get instant respect from all the men and then everybody wanted to talk to me and then get to know me and who was this guy. And then of course, more girls were interested. It's all because I was not in a good, healthy place and I just wasn't happy with myself. So I needed all that external validation in order to feel like I was important. - I used to really dislike guys like you. I never had that issue of walking in. That could be the most stunning, beautiful woman there was. They were looking at me thinking, well, it's got to be a cousin or something. - Well, nowadays I don't do that anymore. I actually go for depth and for real connection. And I've been enjoying that lately. - It's awesome. - Back then I wasn't high on love or that person. I was high on the validation, which I didn't realize until a lot later. That was a real thing to be addicted to. - Yep. - That was me, you know, in relations, I mean, I could be in a great relationship. Still looking for that validation. We talked about phones and things like that. And like I said, I could be in a healthy relationship. Mel or female, just healthy relationships period. I would be looking for that, looking for a phone, looking for a text from somebody. Just needing that validation, you know. And then I go back to what we talked about earlier. I was just giving people power over my life. People that didn't need to have any type of power over my life. But I was giving them that power, you know? And that was an unhealthy power to be given them. Through just seeking validation, that's what I was doing. You know, I was looking for that dopamine hit. When that phone would ding or vibrate, that's what I was looking for. Looking back at it though, that silence that I had through all that. So the phone, not dinging, so to speak, the silence of it, that wasn't rejection. You know, and that's the way that I was looking at it. I was looking at it as rejection because somebody was not coming back to me. But it wasn't rejection. It was the space that I needed to face what was actually going on inside of me. So I mean, I needed that time. And we talked about that too, you know? Not reacting and just taking time to process it. And so that's kind of me and my validation story and how that all started and how really I started seeing it in me and how it all got started in me. Oh, that's so true. I recognize it even recent months and year in my life. I love getting up every morning and being the first one to text Pete and Johnny and Tammy and at least send a meme out to him. I'll try to beat you some mornings, but man, you get a burn. I'm in the first time Tammy did that. She's like, "Gotcha." But the thing is, is I found myself looking at the phone while I'm doing my work. They haven't responded yet. What's the matter? It's 8.45. Everybody knows, Stan gets up at like three. Yeah. He'll wait, though. He'll wait till about 6.30. Yeah, he'll send him at three, but he's up at three. So it's kind of hard to beat him up, which is a blessing. I mean, if we don't ever text you back, it does not mean anything personal about. Well, I recognize that. Which we, I mean, I know I always text back. I know you do. Yeah, and you guys, there's other things going on. You know, Tammy may be working or you guys, you know, she's probably ignored you. I knew that. She's not here tonight. So we can talk about it. I'm not, you know, I wasn't ready to try to completely accept that. It's gotten a whole lot better. I know they love me. Pete's over here still trying to unmask Pete for a unmask, Stan. But, yeah, do you know what you're talking about? I think you're trying to unmask everybody, plus yourself. You're trying to put a mask over me to silence me or? That's why I'm sitting over here throwing. I am giving all kinds of details in my life because I'm trying to unmask, Stan, I'm trying to unmask Johnny, unmask, Tammy, me, and anybody listening. I'm trying to take a mask off everybody. I'm trying to unmask people listening. I'm ripping it off. You know what I mean? But that's what this is all about. It is. We're going to talk about it. And when it rubs you the wrong way, that's the best part of yourself. Yeah. That's the best part. That's the why questions. That's my favorite part, at least. And there's a lot of other people who don't like that, but I love it. And there's a lot of times I've had to leave these meetings and really look at myself because something that we talked about and I'll go home and say, "Did I really say that?" And find out. So I love it. It's a continuous process of working on myself. And I'll say too, for all the people that are listening, there's polls. Yes. There's polls on these when we put out an episode. There's a poll that goes along with it. And one of the polls asked, "I forget what one it was even, but it asked too." And it gave some, you know, what kind of stories you want to hear. That was the first one. Introduction. All the way back to the first. That's right. What kind of stories you want to hear? And I believe it was, bring it all, bring it all. Let's give real. So that's what we're doing. Yep. Well, let's talk about validation. We're on validation. It's what we're talking about. I don't want to talk about that anymore. So, no. No. I'm not going to validate that. Is there an "Unlike" button? When did it start for you guys? Like, when do you think that, or what from? I mean, I've mentioned clearly it's going to be something from childhood most of the time. But it could also be something that happened in the 20s or 30s or whatever. I don't know. But I tried to get this on track while it got-- I said where it started for me. You did say where it started? Yeah, that's what I was talking about while it go. And I was looking back in my-- when I was first starting my journey. I was just looking for-- I'd be in health. I did have some healthy relationships. But I mean, I was still looking for validation from the wrong relationships. And that's what, you know, if I sent that text, like Stan was talking about, I needed that reply right away. And then that was-- I was giving people power in my life. But I needed that validation. I needed it right then. I was looking for that dopamine hit. Because when that phone dinged or vibrated, it sent me a dopamine hit. And I was-- whether it was good or bad, it didn't matter what the text was. I got the text. And that gave me that hit just for a second. But then I needed another one right away. Yeah. So my thing is, like, what did that start with you from something that happened in childhood? Or was it just because you got a phone? And now you got to see what that dopamine hit felt like. And now you want more. To be honest with you, it's probably because I got a phone connected with the world. Like a while, I look at this new thing. And then you're like, oh, that like feels good. Let me do that some more. I didn't have to hear them tell me what they really thought. Mine started in early adolescence, growing up the baby of 5 and feeling rejected and not understanding. But it also carried over into school, middle school, high school. I mean, every phase of my life, went through situations where I would create new ways of needing to feel validated. While there was that work and being recognized for my achievements, I had a good friend in a service one time. He was E9 and I was E5 and I'd gotten promoted as fast as you could. Up to that, we'd sit around and human- I would drink scotches on the weekend and whenever the base commander was gone, he would be the acting base commander. So we had a similar type attitude because we would do something like rearrange the commander's desk and move it. So upon his arrival, but I remember Chief Prussly sitting there one time and I'd just gotten an assignment where I was going to be going to Las Vegas after our place closed down. But he said, Stan, I got to ask you something. He said, "How can somebody as bright and smart and talented as you are turn all that right around and be so stupid?" And do the dumbest things that should get you fired or court-martialed and you just got this dual personality. And I did. And I always add up to that point. I think the validation for myself started as I mentioned before because of the stuff that happened in childhood, early childhood. Because at early age it's like, you know, for one weekend I'm seeing all this evil if you want to call it that because it was for any child. And then you go, I go back to my mom's house and it's like good. So it's like this good versus evil lifestyle. You know, and it caused this when I was at the evil place, it caused all this trauma and instability. And then I had to learn real quick that love had conditions. So that's where the people pleasing and the performance acts started coming into play, learning really quick. If I act a certain way to make these people happy, then I'll be okay and I'll be safe. Which carried into adulthood and for the longest time. I would get really into movies and watch all these movies. The ones that were hit or the ones that all the women love, the guy in it. And it was very popular and there's a lot of validation for that actor or that character he played. I would study that character and become that person because I knew it was socially or that person was socially accepted. And I was always putting on this act just to get the validation that I was looking for. When again, I had no idea it was validation that I was even needing. So I just became whoever I needed to be to survive. I guess to go back and try to answer your question more the way that you want me to answer it. I want you to answer it the way you want it. I'm not going to validate you. I thought I answered it but Johnny asked me three more times. I guess I didn't answer it but I guess maybe this is what you're looking for. I'm just trying to get on the same page as you tonight because we're in the same book. We're on but we're in different chapters. And it was by a ghost writer not a original author. That's right too. So I guess what you're looking for is I guess I would say for most of my life. I didn't even realize that I was living for approval. So that's for most of my life I didn't even you know I didn't even know. So even going through the Marine Corps in the corporate world when I was doing that. I'm still in leadership in ministry. I was still trying to prove I was dependable, strong, capable seeking validation and all that. And looking for it. I needed people to say that I was doing a good job. We talked about that in other episodes you know from my titles and I needed people to say I was doing a good job. You can not say, please okay. You can leave the arms out. Can I smack my lips again? No we're not going there. Definitely. I can leave. No, yeah. Sorry about that. Okay, no more hums. I didn't know how to see myself clearly without that outside voice. So when people praise me I felt solid. When they didn't I started questioning everything. Because you're in that crash. Yes. It wasn't just about being like it was about. It was about needing to feel like a matter. I wanted to say um right then for some reason. But because you're trying to let us know that you're going to continue talking. I guess that's right. Yeah, I don't want to be interrupted. I thought there was something in there. I just throw a sound in there. It's exactly what I've been studying. So I know exactly what every word means. Every filler. I get it. I'm going to retrain the way you guys talk. Awesome. It's just going to make us better. I'm going to make you guys professionals. But I feel like I'm going to be regressing. So to finish that if I can't you know that's that's when I realized I was chasing. I wasn't chasing purpose. I was chasing validation. So all that. You could follow all that right there. It all makes sense. That's that's when it all started for me. So I mean I was I didn't see it. Right. You know I needed that title and you know I needed people say you're doing great. Oh that was a great job. You're giving me encouragement. And when they didn't. Oh man that started. I started hitting it. You know I was like what's going on? What's wrong? What am I doing wrong? But what you goes back to that cycle? Yep. Sure it does. And then you feel insecure. And then you start seeking the validation. You know what? And get the dopamine hit and then you crash. One thing I want to just input and incorporate that into my thoughts is I used to want to hear that I was doing good and get all the credit. But one thing I really loved over the years is when I finally came to know Jesus and got humbled. Humility is awesome in the program because when people you know try to congratulate me now I got to give all the credit to God because that's not me. You know you guys can sit here and see me and you're around me. I don't have that kind of intelligence anymore. And I'm not that that I'm not that I'm not that strong person. I love doing service work through God and with God. And that's been a big part of my life. Don't ever talk about yourself like that again. I was talking about it. I was talking in the third person where most of the people out there realized I was talking about you and Pete. And they can focus on me. I think a lot of people's validation also comes from of course abandonment. Many many including myself have dealt with some form of abandonment. You know people leave love is not safe and you have to earn your worth or be or risk being abandoned. And then once that happens at least for me then I took that into every relationship that I ever had after that. I brought it right in there with the attitude that it wasn't safe. This is going to end at some point or I have to keep doing and acting a certain way like I said to earn my worth and to make that person happy. So we're back to people pleasing. And it goes back to wanting to feel important through someone else's life. So again it's that external validation that I was living for instead of just being important in my own eyes. You know you said something there about being important in somebody's eyes or whatever makes me think of being seen and it's how jacked up I was. I need validation. I need people to see me. But from previous episodes if you remember when we talked about it I didn't want people seeing me. I put on a mask, I built walls. So I mean it's a sixth cycle that we go through. We need certain people to see us at a certain time. That's the thing. So we're selective. That's where I went back to I can be in a healthy relationship. That's not the person I need to see me. I'm thinking that's a healthy relationship. I need this person over here to see me. That's just a messed up cycle man. It's a condition. It is indeed. It is. You're chasing that feeling of being wanted. And then when you get that feeling and you get your fix and it's like all right you're not chasing that real connection when it comes to validation. And then it's also because when you do finally get that person or someone that wants you it quies the voice that says you're not enough. But then that quiet doesn't last. So when it fades you go looking for your next hit. Yeah you know there was a season in my life where I didn't know how to feel. That piece unless someone was pursuing me. I mean if like I was talking about the phone you know if that phone was dry and it wasn't ringing what in texting or nobody needed me. I just felt invisible. I was just keeping it on some more too. Being wanted was just a bonus. You know it was my that was my being wanted was my emotional oxygen. It kept me alive. It kept me striving. That was a that was the way that I knew where I was headed there. That was only feeling good when I'm wanted. So that's that was one of the signs and I knew that's that's where I was at. Yeah I think that's a good one for people to look at. If they're only feel good when they're wanted is okay well is this validation I'm seeking or is it because I'm really wanted by this person? Is it love or is it validation? You can always go back to the question of is this love? Is this of God or is it not? So another one that's a big one is you fall for the people who are around you that are emotionally unavailable or just even physically unavailable. So you're constantly chasing something that's not there because when you do get a hit of that you get that instant dopamine dump which goes right back to the cycle. And then they pull back you're not getting that attention anymore from them. So then you fall back into that cycle and then you hit the crash and you go back to seeking it again. You have done that too. I've done that many many many times in my life and in so many different situations. One thing I've learned about myself and it wouldn't be what matter whether it was years ago in trying to pursue a romantic interest or with a boss or whatever was going on in my life is. I would find myself in that conversation, it could be two or three of us sitting around of what I used to call oversharing. I wanted to make sure that I got everything out that I thought would impress them and really go into detail, which swayed them to my way of thinking. But that was foolish. Sometimes I'd get way too deep and you could just see the look on people's eyes. Why are you going there? Trying to force that connection. Trying to force it. You know, usually turned out like a lot of other areas. If I thought I got it, it really wasn't what I wanted. Right. Which could come across as intense to some people. Oh yeah. And that's where another thing to look at is if you're confusing intensity for intimacy. Absolutely. So there's a level of intimacy that you can get with anybody. But if you're trying to force it and it is intense, it's probably validation that you're after. Yep. So these are good ways to look at your relationship, not just necessarily in love relationships, but any relationship. Like am I just seeking validation from this person or these people that I'm around right now? Or is this really intimate relationship that I'm really actually friends with these people where I am actually in love with this person or am I still just chasing that dopamine? Am I just chasing that hit and just trying to get validation for a while until I crash again and I can have to go look forward again? Yeah. That's what I was saying earlier. No, it's not just about talking about when we say relationships and we do put this around it. We say intimacy. I mean, I have intimacy with you guys and with my close circle of friends. Yeah, we're not talking about romantic relationships. It's all relationships. Right. And yeah, these things that we just went over, these different signs to let you know if you're leading down that road. They're really, you need to pay attention to them because if somebody's doing one of those things and that's what I was saying now, the path that I'm going to, do I say I'm all healed up? No, the path that I'm on now, I start recognizing them. Right. And I can I can veer off of that journey. And the sooner you can recognize that that's what you're seeking, then you can change it. And you can still salvage that relationship and you can have great relationships with people as long as you're both on the right path. Right. Not not one trying to force it whichever way. Most definitely. Because I personally I feel that a lot of them can lead to a great relationship. But I have to recognize whenever I have the reason I'm doing it and my motive behind doing it. You know, when we don't see these, there's a lot of records that comes with it. There is, you know, a lot of trauma that comes along with it too. And it helps us get into that loop. I told the story about me growing up and you know, my dad was an alcoholic. He experienced emotional inconsistencies through my entire family did, you know, just because of all that. But I guess through that is kind of where it all started for me in the fact that through his issue and I'm not blaming on that because again, I go back to me. It's all about me. Through that I did develop a deep seat in need for approval. And I needed approval. I needed validation. And then that just followed me into my adult life. And you know, I didn't deal with it. And when we don't deal with it, that's the issue. Absolutely. And Johnny, one thing I want to ask you is you're always asking Pete and I throughout this, how did that make you feel? How did you get to this? Go this way and how would you respond? Stick it to it. Yeah, how did you break the cycle of validation in approval? Well, so whenever I decided to get sober and clean from everything and change my life, when I went to Cliffside, I took that time to just do the interwork and get on a level that I've never been on before. And one of the things I didn't expect was how loud the need to be validated would become. So that was first. And in recovery, there's no applause. There's no one telling you good job every five minutes. There's no, you know, patting you on the back about every movie make. So you just kind of go and you get quiet. You sit with yourself. You sit with the silence. And that was probably the best thing that's ever happened to me is just being forced to sit with that silence. For a guy like me, that silence used to feel like punishment because that's when all the overthinking would come in. I would have the racing thoughts and it would just be so chaotic in my mind and I wanted to get out of there, you know, because everywhere I went, there I was. And I had to sit with that. But what started happening is in that silence, I started hearing God that small still voice. And I started hearing the truth and not the loud kind, but the still kind, you know, the one that says, you're not what you do, you're who I made you to be. And so detoxing from that validation, it was hard. And also the best thing I've ever done. Because it was no longer about everybody outside of me and the external and how to please anybody else. All I had to do was get right with him, get my connection right with him and grow my personal relationship. And to just please him. And that's it. And he started to do to do all the heavy lifting. He started opening doors. He started changing my thoughts. He started removing a bunch of thoughts. And that's when my journey began. I mean, you hit some big ones there, you know, it came when I accepted my story. All of it. When I accepted, you know, we've already talked about that a little bit too. It's no longer running. Yeah. When I started realizing that real self-worth came slowly. Now, I was looking for that quick hit through acceptance. It came slowly and quietly. I love that what you said about just sitting with yourself in silence. And a lot of people now, and I have what I'm meeting with people. I used, I couldn't stand silence. You know, and I always chalked it up to like the Marine Corps and my ears are ringing. And I don't like silence. No, I didn't like being a silence. That's what it was. Because my thoughts in my head, you know, and I would start seeking. But now it's been broken. I want to sit in it. Because there's there's there's man there is something about just sitting in silence and being with yourself, being with just you and God. And that's what I do in my prayer to me and God and just sit in silence. Like you said, it doesn't happen right away. You got to go and sit with the chaos for a minute and let it all sort itself out and be okay with it. Not resist it. Because the resisting it is what creates all the anxiety because you're wanting to get away from that place. You're in right in that moment instead of just allowing it to be, allow it to be present. Feel where it's at. It could be in your chest of it's tight or it's in your gut. Or it was just in your head with the racing thoughts. But it's allowing all of that to be there. The quicker I allowed it all to be there and happen, the quicker it flowed through me and out of me. You know, like you didn't just sit there. The more I resisted it, the more it was just pounding on the door. And I was just trying to run from it. And it's funny because we're a lot of my when I was in the Marine Corps. And I was, you know, that was a peak time for me when I was seeking that validation. What you just said right there is training that you get in the military. And that is you get calm. You know, you block out the chaos and you get calm. I mean, that's one of the first things that they, you know, when you go in there and they say, can anybody, you know, anybody know how to shoot and then yell, "Oh, those contra-boys are like, oh, no, how to shoot." And then they're like, "Well, forget all that." You know, just forget it because you get up there and you get excited and you're ready to pull that trigger. And that's all that adrenaline's rushing and you're fixing the shoot. But it's calm down. Stop. Breathe. Let it out. Still pull the trigger. Yeah, we used to call that the calm before the storm. Yeah, I mean, it really is. We got to get calm and we got to get silent. Yeah, speaking of triggers, that's the other thing I had to do is start identifying my triggers. Right. That was huge because I was like, what's a trigger? You know, and it could be someone rejected you. Well, that's a trigger because what do you do once someone rejects you? Do you go post online and start looking for validation everywhere else? Do you try to get attention from somebody? You hit up an X. You know, what are you doing right now? Because it's all stemmed from that first rejection from the person you didn't want to get rejected from. So now you're just automatically out there trying to get the validation from somebody else like quickly because you don't want to sit in that feeling of that rejection, which if you just sat in that feeling of the rejection, it would just pass through you. Yeah. You know, and what I just said, sitting in that silence, you see that when it triggers people, I just watch people now. I'm a people watcher. And I think I said that in the introduction, I'm a production podcast favorite past time, but it just watching people. And when we're in silence and nobody's speaking, I watch those people. And you can do them. They start getting enhancing. I can probably pinpoint not all the time, but a lot of times I can pinpoint who's fixing the talk next. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Call it all the time. Yeah. Because I mean, they just start moving around and they're looking around and they get a smile or something on their face. And there you go. I mean, they're being triggered by that silence. They can't sit in that silence yet. I used to be like that because I would sit there and it would get silent. And it felt like everybody in the room was just waiting on me to start talking. When nobody in the room at all could care less if I started talking or not. But for some reason, it felt like that's what was happened. And then I would say something. And then what I would say just made no sense because I was just speaking just to speak to fill that void. But like Pete said, well, I should have, I've always been a people watcher. And it's funny to watch that at times. But once I was able to sit in silence and feel like Johnny had mentioned, you know, that small voices in my head from Jesus. But I was one of those that I'd sit around and watch. And then after I shared and somebody would come in and try to top it. And think they were competing. Who was the worst son of a gun in the room? I gotta be honest, I enjoy this silence after that because I like watching people. And like Pete says, you can just see the looks on her face and her fidgeting and they don't deal well with silence. That's common. A couple other ways that helped me break the cycle was of course prayer. I've mentioned, well I've mentioned that before too, but the bereavement, you know, if I felt like I was getting anxious or anything like that, I would just stop bereave through my nose, exhale slowly out my mouth and it brought me right to the present moment. It forced me into the moment and then the course grounding. There's so many ways to ground, which I've mentioned before, you know. Yeah. Take a moment, put your feet on the ground, go outside and take a walk. Notice all the sounds you hear, the smells, that brings you to right now and it'll get you out of that racing thoughts or the opert thinking. Or you go do that instead of seeking the validation if that's what's going on. You notice the trigger? Well, instead of doing what I normally do and I go try to look for more validation, now's a good time to go outside and walk around and look at nature. Yeah, through that too, you know, and sitting alone and like that was one thing that was hard for me and sitting alone and being silent, sitting in that silence and dealing with it. One of the things that helped me and we've mentioned this before too and that's journaling. So just to even when I'm in that silence, when you're journaling and when you're just really just pouring out your heart or pouring out your head and I get guys to do this too when I'm you know, walking them through a journey or trying to be a and you hear me say try and trying to be a mentor. You know, I tell them just start writing it down. Whatever's in your head, whatever comes to you know, if it makes no sense, it does not matter. It doesn't matter. Just start writing and when this starts flowing, it sure does. It clears your head and you're not in silence anymore. Even though nothing is being said, you know, verbally and there's no noise and you're technically sitting in silence. When you're journaling and when you're just pouring your brain out or pouring your heart out onto those pages. It speaks for you. Absolutely, man. Absolutely. And that that was one of the things that helped me break it. So I just want people to know this that I don't know who didn't show up for you. I don't know what made you believe you had to earn a love but you don't. Not anymore. We're not here to impress people and we're not here to be perfect. You're not the version of yourself. Someone else didn't know how to love. You're worthy already as you are. We don't have to perform for scraps when we don't have to chase enough anymore. We already are. Validation isn't a bad thing. It just becomes a problem when it's your primary fuel source. A compliment should be a dessert, not your daily bread. And I think what I want everybody to hear is what I did when I first got honest with myself. And when I started asking those questions when we like when we first started the podcast and we were talking about getting real, you know, I started asking the questions. Why did that comment bother me so much? Why did I need him or her to respond to me? What was I hoping to feel by proving myself again? Those kind of questions are what we need to be asking. And it always comes back to this. I was chasing validation because I did not know how to give myself what I never got as a kid. It goes back to my childhood. It goes back to my trauma. Constant love, affirmation, safety is what I needed. I didn't get it. And so now I ask where do I chase validation? What am I really needing in those moments? And that helps me and guide me to where I need to be. And that's the fun part. Yes. To ask myself where am I chasing validation? And then when I come up with that answer, that's where the why comes in. And this is where it's fun because you get to learn so much about yourself. And then once you heal that part or figure out the answer to that part, you don't have to operate from that anymore. You come from a healthy place, you come from a state of love and being and being present. And that's where everything starts to change into such a better direction. When people are chasing validation, it comes down to one question and that is, do I matter? And you do matter. If anybody that's listening to this, you do matter. I matter. And that's why I'm on a journey of healing. And I want to get better because I know I do matter. And for me, I just want and prayerfully hope that everybody understands that in the matter. And this pursuit of what I used to call being approved of and validated, when I came to the realization that the only validation that I really need and desire in my life is to know that God validates me and he approves of me. And he's proven that and he's shown that to me over the years. So I get all I need through him. Do I still falter at times and find myself going back into some of those areas? God generally reminds me of what my motives are and you know, why are you going that direction? I'm right here. You know, we really need his validation. Everything else after that is just a bonus. Absolutely. So if any of this hit you in any way, one, share it with someone that you know is stuck in a loop. You don't have to tell them that you know that they're stuck in a loop. Just telling here's a good podcast to listen to and let them let the seed be planted and let God do the rest in their life. And like Pete mentions frequently journal in journal. I want to say this too because I had somebody say this to me the other day that they journal on their phone. Put that phone away. Grab you a notebook, grab you a pen and don't have to be a fancy journal. I mean, it can be a spiral notebook. Just grab you paper and pen and journal the old fashioned way, you know, the barbaric way with ink on paper. Ink too. Don't put that in pencil because this is permanent. We're on a journey to heal and it's real. Amen. If I could suggest one thing after you do that with the journaling and you write it down, you don't have to go and tell people that you did it. You don't need to look for that validation or that applause that you did something good for yourself. Make it personal and just be between you and God. That's where all the change starts to take place. I'll tell you even some of my journals when when I was going through part of my journey. There were stuff that I wrote in my journal and that journal got burned. That's between me and God and that's all in the people that needed to see it. But that was a part of my healing process. So Johnny is 100% right. This ain't something we just go out and start telling people that we're doing because we go right back through seeking validation. Now and be careful because journaling is amazing but it's just like what Pete just said. Destroy it because my second wife I didn't destroy my journaling and I'll be dead-gum she didn't share it with members of my family. And you know that was talking about breaking anonymity but the great thing was is I totally man I want everybody journal write it down because like Pete says when it goes from ink onto the paper and you've got it there if you've got it in a safe place I used to enjoy too is what's going back and reading certain stages of my recovery and my life where I was and pretty pretty important stuff. Well see that was a big thing and that's what I'm doing here now is a lot of this stuff that's coming out of my mouth on these podcasts are things that I wrote in my journal and things that we're looking at what's coming out of my mouth that's probably spit down but that's stuff that I wrote down in these journals and then I burned them because I didn't want anybody to see them but now I'm talking about them because that journey I'm coming I think I'm coming to the end of the journey you know and I'm ready I'm ready to go home to my to my final destination all that stuff's coming out now because the the journey is coming close to an end I say another thing before I shut up unless somebody else taught is what Johnny mentioned and that is just breathe you know I mean breath is such a powerful thing and when I say breathe put your hand on your heart and say I'm already enough I'm already loved I don't have to chase what's already mine just let that sink in for a man yeah that spiritual connection offers a higher validation that doesn't fade away so if you do any of these exercises let us know about it or don't I guess because we just told them not to do that right yeah we just said you don't have to tell anybody and here I am telling you to tell us that's the validation through the social code podcast you can tell us if you want to we only want to know because we want to know if we're helping you know so also please search for us on Facebook like share our posts same thing on Instagram if you would like to message me you can email me at the social code [email protected] and you can get me at the social code [email protected] and then we always have the social code pod pod that's gmail.com and that one there you know if you want to send a send my mouth is not working today if you want to send a stand in email just put his name in the subject line of the social code [email protected] and that will go to him don't forget check us out on Facebook on Instagram you can go find me on TikTok and I put a lot of stuff out there for the social code on TikTok and like us follow us share us whatever you can do help promote this and get it out share the spotify link please and also follow us on Spotify and Amazon Music and I heart radio all of them just before they go hidden hit follow and share our episodes with loved ones and then also remember as I mentioned at the beginning we have those polls every episode that comes out there's a poll that's associated with that. So those polls help us also come up with what we're gonna talk about next. Or we could just go and just talk about whatever we comes up like we started this one with and we just kinda go off-screw. - Yeah, so thanks again for joining us. We are so glad that you are tuning in. We love you guys and we will be back again next week. - See y'all. - Bye. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)