#8: Celebrate the No!

Welcome to Beyond Bitchy, mastering the art of boundaries with Vicki Tidwell Palmer. Do you think of personal and relationship boundaries as harsh, rigid or bitchy, or do you feel clueless about how boundaries work? Whether you think boundaries are bitchy or baffling, we will give you a fresh vision of personal limits as a source of freedom and liberation. Every week, Vicki shares expert information about how you can master the art of boundaries so you can get the space you need and the connection you crave. Hi, this is Vicki Tidwell Palmer and welcome to episode number eight of the Beyond Bitchy podcast. I dedicate the first episode of every month to the topic of women and boundaries, and this one is called Celebrate the Know. When it comes to personal and relationship boundaries, no is the ultimate boundary. It's a hard stop and it's a complete sentence. It's essentially a non-negotiable boundary. I'll talk today about why I believe we should celebrate the Know, the Know's that we want to say, as well as when other people say No to us. And because saying No is so difficult for most people, I'll share some strategies and tools to help you avoid saying yes when what you really want to say is No. First I want to be clear that there are different levels of saying No all the way from what I think of as Garden Variety knows to more serious matters like consent in sexual contact or in sexual relationships. This episode is about the Garden Variety type No's. And what I mean by that is the kind of No's that we may say or want to say to people when they invite us to an event or they make a request of us of some kind or they ask a favor. These are the kind of things that come up in very common every day life. And in a future episode, I will be talking specifically about consent in sexual contact, sexual relationships, and also about how to negotiate sexual touch. This is something that most of us definitely did not learn when we were growing up. And it's a tool and a skill that I think is extremely important and not talked about enough. And we will talk about that in future episodes. Now, although this episode is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries, I do need to say that women are not the only people who struggle with saying No. But there are some differences between men and women when it comes to handling No's that I want to just mention here. And also why I think women are more vulnerable to struggling around saying No. I have noticed over time in my personal life, but also as a therapist working with men, that men in general have a different strategy for dealing with No's. And when I say different, I mean they just handle saying No in a different way than women might. So men often say No through indirect ways, specifically by ignoring a request or maybe delaying a request or by saying No, when on some level they already realize that they have no intention of following through or maybe they're not willing to admit it to themselves, but later on they don't follow through. So I've seen men, for example, someone will ask them to do something, this is usually this would be in writing because it's harder to say, it's harder to ignore someone when they ask you something verbally. But let's say that someone calls them and asks them, leaves a voicemail or they send them an email or text, their strategy for saying No is usually to just ignore it often times. That's true. Women typically don't do that, but that's a strategy that men will use to indirectly say No or to avoid saying No, but essentially saying No. Or they will delay it in some way. So for example, they might say, well, let me think about it and get back to you, but they don't do that. And by the way, that is a perfectly fine strategy for avoiding saying Yes, when you mean No, but the difference is that as a strategy, you would actually get back to the person. So one strategy, the men use is ignoring another strategy that they tend to use is maybe delaying given an answer, but not giving an answer, or they will say Yes, but then they just go and do whatever they want to do or they don't follow through. So what they're doing is in the moment they're smoothing it over or maybe just trying to be nice or avoid conflict with no intention of following through. And I do think that this is a gender difference. Typically, I don't see women doing this as a strategy, the way that men do it. Women have other ineffective strategies, but not necessarily these. And the other thing about women and saying No, and how that's different than men is that women tend to be more relational in the way they go about dealing with problems or conflicts. And I mentioned this in one of the earlier episodes of why women struggle with boundaries in different ways than men do. But I want to refer here to the work of Carol Gilligan who wrote a book many years ago called in a different voice. And she talks in that book about some studies that have been done about how girls and women go about solving problems or dealing with ethical or moral dilemmas in a different way. And the reason that I bring it up here is that because women tend to be more collaborative in their problem solving in general, they struggle more to say No. So they will tend to want to be more collaborative or they will want to say Yes in order to be relational because it's sort of in their nature. But the problem is when the yeses come at it and expense to them. And that's what we'll be talking about today. Also when men are decisive or they say No or they're very clear and direct because saying No is a very clear and direct statement, they will be thought of as assertive or confident or people will say Well, he's very decisive or he's a leader. But when women do the same thing, if they're very clear, they're very decisive, they're very direct, they're often thought of or labeled as being controlling or rigid or bitchy. And if you're a woman and you're direct and clear and decisive, you have probably been told over the years to, you know, lighten up, like Oh, you just need to lighten up or why are you so uptight? And this is in every woman listening to this will probably relate to what I just said. And this is another reason why women can struggle and be challenged around being very clear and just saying No, when they mean No, instead of going along with what other people want them to do or getting into people pleasing. And this really goes to the dangers that there are several dangers of saying Yes, when you really mean No, there are limited hours in a day. And time is one of those things that is limited and finite. So when we say Yes to something, when we really wanted to say No, we are spending time doing things that are not a priority to us. And at worst, we may be delaying some of the goals that we have for ourselves or the dreams that we have about what we want to create in our future. And so that's a pretty serious consequence of saying Yes, when we really mean No. And also, you can just waste time. I'm sure all of you can relate to that that you agreed to do something or you decided to spend your time in a certain way that you really didn't feel enthusiastic about and you just have this sense in the middle of it that you're wasting time. So that's another danger of saying Yes, when you really mean No. The other danger is that when we agree to do something or we say Yes, when we really mean No, we are not congruent. And what I mean by congruent is another word for congruent is authentic. So being authentic or being congruent means that our insides are matching our outsides. So if my insides are screaming No, I don't want to do this thing. But then my mouth says Yes, I will, that is a big mismatch. And depending on the level of the commitment or whatever the yes entails. The consequences to us can be pretty great. So what if somebody asked you to go on a one week cruise or vacation and on the surface it sounds like, "Well, I could have fun, but I can't stand this person," for example. That's a pretty big yes that can cause a lot of internal struggle and frustration. And again, it goes to that idea of that there is not a match between your insides and your outsides, you're not being authentic, you're not being congruent. And it could also be a problem around you not honoring your own value system. So sometimes people ask us to do things that really are, they may be uncomfortable to us or they're outside our value system in some way, but we participate in it. And I think that usually if you surround yourself with people who tend to have a value system that's similar to yours, you wouldn't necessarily run into this problem. But this happens in business sometimes where, and I think this happens more to men really than it happens to women. But let's say you're in a business situation and a colleague or even a client wants to go out and stay out until two o'clock in the morning drinking or worse, they want to go to a strip club or something like that. And let's say that none of that is in your value system, but you do it anyway. And there are reasons that people do that and some people believe they need to do that for business reasons or whatever. But I just use it to illustrate the point that sometimes people do ask us to do things outside our value system. And when we say yes, when we really mean no, not only are we spending time doing something we don't want to do, we've actually violated our own value system. And that is not a small thing. That is something to pay attention to. And I would encourage you that if you're prone to doing that, to really spend some time inquiring, meditating, thinking about why that is, why you're vulnerable to doing that, because it can become very dangerous if you do that on a regular basis. And the other danger in general about saying yes, when you really mean no, is that you lose respect for yourself. If you do this consistently over time, the reality is all of us are going to do this from time to time because we're just human and we're imperfect. But if you do it as a habit, you will begin to not only lose respect for yourself, but you will also lose trust in your ability to, again, going back to being congruent, to doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and having your insights matching your outsides. And the last danger that I want to mention about saying yes, when you really mean no, is you will begin to collect resentments. And resentment, my favorite definition of resentment, comes from Piemelody's work that resentment is victim anger. It's when we believe that we are a victim, often when we're not. And in cases like this, we absolutely are not because when we're free to say yes or no, and we say yes, when we really mean no, and then we have a resentment, that resentment 100% belongs to us. And resentments are really toxic to us, but they're also toxic to our relationship. So on a practical matter, just think about if you have a friend who often invites you to do something that you really don't want to do, but you continue to say yes to, and over time, you feel resentful, and you may not be clear enough in your own head that actually your resentment is towards yourself, but you essentially project it onto the other person. So you start getting very irritable and angry with the other person because of your own inability to say no when that's what you really want to say. So it can not only be toxic to you because you're walking around with this anger and this erroneous belief that you're a victim, but it's also toxic to that relationship because that person has no probably awareness of and definitely no control or power over the fact that you're saying yes, when you really mean no. And it can drive a wedge between you and important people in your life if you're not mindful of it or don't take care of it. So I want to talk now about some reasons why we should celebrate the no. It's really an interesting phrase because usually we think of no as something negative. So the idea of actually celebrating the no is kind of a paradox. But I think it's a refreshing concept and it's one that we can actually embrace if we kind of dig a little bit deeper. So here are some reasons to celebrate the no and the first has to do with when you're the person saying no. And this really relates to the dangers that I was talking about before is that when you say no, when you really mean no, you are saying yes to the other things that are more important to you. And truthfully, what might be more important to you is to stay home and relax and that's fine because sometimes that would be far more enjoyable to you than for example doing something that somebody else wanted you to do. But a reason to celebrate the no is that you are saying yes to whatever else it is that you wanted to do that was more important to you that lights you up or that it just would be more enjoyable for you. The other thing about it is that every time you say no when you really mean no, it gets easier for you. It's like a muscle and every time you flex that muscle or you crack just doing this, it just gets easier. And you will spend less time kind of fretting about it or wondering how you're gonna do it or worrying about what other people are gonna think of you if you say no, the whole thing just gets easier. And it's just I can literally just feel my whole nervous system relaxing as I think about that. That when saying no gets easier, you also waste less time 'cause a lot of us waste a ton of time worrying about saying it or talking to other people about oh my gosh, what am I gonna do for example? And then I wanna go to also why we should celebrate the nose of others when other people say no to us. And this one can be almost as difficult, sometimes more difficult than saying no because we have the impression or we interpret another person's no as a rejection. And I have to tell you, I wanna do a whole episode about rejection and what I think about rejection but essentially I don't really believe in rejection. I think it's a very misunderstood concept because and I'll just kind of touch on it briefly here. When other people say no to us, it's about them. It's not about us. It's very dangerous when we start believing that other people do things because of us or that we have the power to cause someone to do something or say something, it's just a very dangerous mindset. It also places us in a position of being a higher power which we are not. So one other people saying no to us, the reason that I believe we should celebrate it is that we get clarity about where they stand. We get clarity about where they stand with us. We get clarity about who they are. And if it's a really important no like for example, if it has to do with even just spending time with or being in relationship with that person, we also get clarity about where they stand with us in the relationship. And I'm sure all of you've had an experience of being in a relationship with somebody and you just felt like you just don't know where you stand with them. Like are they in, are they out? What's the status of this relationship? And so when people are very clear in that way, we get to find out. Now we may not like it, but it's in my opinion, always better to have clarity. And no is really the ultimate clarity. The other thing you get from someone's no is that you don't waste time with people who aren't able to or who just don't want to show up the way you would like them to or that you need them to in relationship. So again, this goes to clarity. It prevents you from being sort of strung along or having your time wasted with someone who doesn't want to show up in whatever way that is. And because of that, you get to move on to whatever it is that you want or need to do faster, rather than waiting around. And if somebody's sort of delaying or putting you off in some way, because they're being vague or unclear. And the other thing that I really like about saying or getting a no and why it should be celebrated, and this is one that you might not think of, is that it means that you're stretching. I really believe that whenever you're growing and stretching in any way, and I believe this is especially because of the pandemic. true in business or in your vocation, that when you're stretching, you're making more requests of other people. You're asking, whether it's asking for someone's business or asking for a raise or asking for some kind of an opportunity, that when you get a no, that means that you're stretching. And if you're not getting any no's, there's probably, there could be one of two things going on. One is that you're not stretching, you're not really growing, you're not putting yourself out there. Or, and this one is, in my opinion, worse, you've surrounded yourself with people who aren't willing to be honest with you. And I think that's very dangerous. This happens more with people who are in very, very high level situations or celebrities or people like that. I think it's very dangerous to be surrounded by people who never tell you the truth or don't say no. But I think for most of us, when we get those kind of no's, they're a sign that we are stretching and growing. And I'll give you an example from my own experience that when my book Moving Beyond Betrayal first came out, I was doing a lot of radio interviews and some TV interviews about the book. And one of the people that I thought would be interested in the book is Dave Ramsey. And some of you may know Dave Ramsey, he's a financial expert. He's got a radio show. He's been around for a very long time. He's written multiple books. And I really like Dave Ramsey a lot. I admire him and his work. And he talks a lot on his show about boundaries. And because of that, I thought, you know, he might be interested in this book. The other thing he talks about quite a bit actually is addiction. Because addiction comes up for people in dealing with financial matters because maybe they have, they're in a relationship with the person who's like, for example, a gambling addict. And they're needing to set boundaries around that or take care of their financial well-being. And Dave Ramsey is very addiction savvy as well. So for those reasons, I thought, you know, it's worth a shot for me just to send an email to him and see if he would like to interview me about the book. And I was really not very attached to the outcome, meaning that I didn't have my hopes, you know, pinned on this in any way. But the reason I share the story is that within a few days of me sending this email, I got an email back from his people saying, you know, thanks so much, but Dave won't be able to do this. And they gave me some reason. It was a very practical reason that made a lot of sense to me. And then they wish me well with the book. And I'll tell you that my very authentic response to that was that I was happy. And I was happy because for a couple of reasons, one is I was just aware that I had stretched by making that request. And that I didn't have a lot writing on it for myself. It wasn't going to make or break me in any way. It was just like, yeah, what the heck? I'm going to ask this question. But the other reason that I enjoyed the whole experience is that they were very relational in the way they handled it. So they didn't just ignore it. And they sent, they were kind enough and, you know, relational enough to send me a response. So I just share that as another example of when you are stretching and growing, I encourage you to try to increase the nose that you're getting, which means that you're making requests that you're putting yourself out there that you are taking risks, you know, calculated risks, not ridiculous risk. And it just gets easier. And that's the good news. And like I mentioned before, most of us find saying no very difficult. I think this is true of everyone. I know that even in my own life, I have a situation right now that I can think of where I'm going to need to say no to someone. And it's not so much that I feel uncomfortable about saying it. It's more about figuring out how I want to say it. So I know even from my own experience, saying no is difficult. And so I want to share with you some strategies for responding to someone when you know you want to say no. And maybe you're feeling challenged or you know that you have a habit of saying yes. The first strategy, and I mentioned this before when I was talking about men. And I think men are really kind of skillful at this, but they come by it more naturally, maybe than women do, is to delay. So really relational ways to delay a response is to tell the person that you need to think about it, that you need to check your calendar or just you can say, let me get back to you. It's a really great skill and tool to have in your back pocket. And sometimes I will tell people, if you, for example, if you have a habit of saying yes, almost always to someone, I will tell people to start the habit of never giving a person an answer immediately. So that for some period of time, rather than feel compelled to say yes or no, that their first response is you know, I'm going to need to get back with you about that so that they are automatically building in a delay. But to go along with a delay in order for it to be very relational, it would be helpful if you can tell the person when you'll get back to them or that you know in your own mind that you're going to get back to them. But ideally you could say, you know, I need to think about that or let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you by and then you name a time. And I highly encourage you to extend the time that you think you need. So even like for myself, if I do this, and sometimes I do it not because I want to say no, but I really do need to think about it or check my calendar, if I think I could do it in a day, I usually will say, let me get back to you in a couple of days or by the end of the week. And I mostly do that because I am a huge believer in under promise and over deliver. And so I tend in general to exaggerate the amount of time that I need to do something so that I'm not in a position of promising something that I really cannot deliver to the person in a timely way. So the first strategy is to delay. And it is a fabulous strategy. And again, if you're in the habit of consistently saying, yes, or you feel compelled to give an answer in the moment, I encourage you to start using this one that you just say, you know, I'm going to need to get back to you about that or I need to check something or I need to talk to you. And again, this is not about lying. So you don't say something like, oh, I have to talk to my spouse when you know you really don't need to do that. But it's very legitimate and not dishonest at all to say, you know, I need to, I'm going to need to get back with you about that. Another strategy that I really like a lot is that you're not available. And you don't need to give an explanation. Here's the other thing that happens to people a lot is that when they say no to someone they feel or believe that they need to explain why they're saying no, I don't believe that we owe anyone an explanation about why we are not going to do something. And so you can simply say to someone, I've got other plans or, you know, I'm not going to be able to make it, I'm not available that night and just leave it at that. And let me say something about not being available or having other plans. If you, you might think, well, what if I really don't have other plans? I believe that having a plan to do something else other than that is a plan. I also believe that having a plan that includes that you would rather stay home that night and take it easy or be with your spouse, that is also a plan that's also an example of not being available. So having another plan doesn't mean you have some grand plan or you've already told somebody else you're going to do something. Having a plan could just be you have a commitment to yourself to do something else. And I don't believe at all that there's anything dishonest or sneaky about that. I just don't. I think we all have a right to say that. Now, this next one is to, it's not actually a no, but it's a way of dealing with a no when you're willing to do something else. And what I mean by that is that this happens to me actually quite a bit now. I'll get a request of someone and they want to talk to me about something like they may want to talk to me about how did I go about getting my book published or how did I do this? Anyway, they really just want to pick my brain in some way or they just want to chat with me like, you know, I had somebody recently who just wanted to have coffee with me. And because I'm very clear about how I want to spend my time in terms of my business, I've gotten a lot more clear about what I have time to do and what I don't have time to do. Because again, as we talked about the dangers in the beginning, if I say yes to all of these requests, I am engaging in activities that are not how I want to be spending my time and also that don't further my own goals and my dreams specifically for my business. And the more I fill my calendar with those, the more I am literally saying no to myself. And I hope you really get how dangerous that can be. So another strategy is that let's say that someone says to me, and this one happens a lot, like someone will say, well, I want to come to your office and meet with you. are I want to talk to you and tell you about our services or what our treatment center offers or something like that. So an alternative might be that I would say you know I am not available to meet with you or talk with you on the phone but I'd be glad to answer a question by email or if you like to send me some material like send me in the mail some material or by email I'd be happy to take a look at it. So what I'm doing there is I am indirectly saying no to the actual request that they made like if they want to come to my office but I'm offering another option for them and again don't do this if you're not willing to do the next thing so like for example if I'm not really willing to answer a question by email I shouldn't say that but if I am it's a way for me to make myself available but in a way that works for me so that's essentially it's like a negotiation they made a request and then I'm offering an alternative and then sometimes it really is okay to just ignore someone's request. I don't recommend doing this with anyone that you know or that is an acquaintance or you has a connection with you in some way but for things that are just like a like here's an example from my own experience is that I get a lot of people that send me emails through my website and they want to like be my web designer or they want to they're telling me they can improve my search rankings in Google or say you know these kind of I mean it's like the I'm stranded in a foreign country or something and I need you to send me a million dollars right I mean these are like the kind of anonymous sort of requests that we get and some people this is not terribly common but there are some people out there that truly feel compelled they sort of believe that if somebody makes a request of them they have to answer I do not subscribe to that belief I think when it's something like that it's just essentially like a cold call is something somebody that I don't know I have no interest in their product or service I just don't answer them because it's just not how I want to spend my time and again if I don't have a connection with them I don't know them I don't think there's anything that's not relational at all about that so those are some strategies and I hope that they're helpful because this can be really challenging especially if you find yourself struggling with people pleasing or feeling that you must say yes just because someone asked you to do something so today we talked about how especially as women we can learn to celebrate the know you know not only the nose that we want to say to other people but also the nose that we may get from other people and we talked about some of the dangers of saying no and and that's one of the areas I would really like for you to focus on and in fact I'd like to give you a fun or a quick maybe not fun but a quick assignment if you know that you struggle around saying no I'd like you to sit down sometime in the next couple of days or if you can right now after this podcast and write down what are the dangers to me of continuing to say yes when I mean no and also what are some of the opportunities that I am missing when I say yes to things that really are not part of making my goals come true or my dreams come true or are moving me along in life to where I want to go and then what we also talked about strategies some very specific strategies that you can use to support you in beginning to say no when you mean no rather than yes and until next week embrace the power you have to create the boundaries you want so that you can get the space you need and the connection you crave see you next time thanks for listening to BeyondBitchy Podcast head over to BeyondBitchy.com for show notes the BeyondBitchy blog and other resources to help you master the art of boundaries until next time remember boundaries aren't bitchy