#793 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + ZAC BROWN + MIKE FINOIA

[MUSIC] >> And Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Killed Doney, get it right up, hit, clap. [MUSIC] Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? [MUSIC] And that is the best stand in all the way and make the noise for. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos, Sosa, Tres Leches on the horns, everybody. The great Michael Gonzalez, big Mike on the drums. [APPLAUSE] The lighter boy, Matt Muley, on the electric guitar. It's the great John D's on the keys, and believe it or not, live in the flesh, that's de-madness on the bass guitar, everybody. My goodness, what an exciting episode we have for you guys tonight. You guys excited to be here, huh? [APPLAUSE] Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there, as you can probably guess, I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. You want to watch Killed Doney like you're actually sitting in the room with us? That's Killed Doney Plus. Every week, you get our cut of the episode, uncensored, no ads, and different camera angles you haven't seen before. Basically, it's the closest you can get to being at the show without actually being there, and you get it first. Every Monday, at 6pm, central time, Killed Doney Plus members will get early access to the episode before everyone else in the world. And every month, there's an exclusive bonus content piece. That includes Q and A episodes where I answer your questions right out of the bucket. You also get pre-show AI intro videos from our live shows, stop if you can't see anywhere else. Plus, behind the scene, photos from the live shows, merch perks, and more. It's Killed Doney Plus, and it's the next best thing to actually being at a Killed Doney show. So, for those of you that are ready to step to the next level as a Killed Doney fan, go to killtony.supercast.com. Oh, and if you're really sick in the head, check out the absurd roast here. Send me your photo and some facts about you, and I'll roast you myself right on Killed Doney Plus. Want me to roast your buddy instead? Send me their info. No refunds on emotional damage. Check it all out at killtony.supercast.com right now. Hey there! All right, let's be totally real for a second. Live can be an absolute circus, and therapy is super important. But who has time to sit and bumper, bumper traffic, or burn a giant hole in the wall just to talk to someone, not me? That's why I completely recommend talk space. Talk space makes getting professional mental health support ridiculously easy, accessible, and totally affordable. They're the number one rated online therapy platform, etching you directly with top notch, licensed therapists, and psychiatrists right from your phone or computer. Red band. Whether you're spiraling over a minor daily inconvenience, totally burn out or navigating big life chaos, you can shoot them a message or jump on a video call without ever changing out of your sweatpants. Plus, talk space takes most major insurance plans, which means most insured members pay a copay of $0, Shazam. Even out of pocket, they're on a mission to keep amazing mental health care, super budget friendly for everyone. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with talk space. When you go to talkspace.com and enter promo code space80, that's SPAC80, to match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com and enter promo code space80. A talk space therapist will be in your corner for whatever it comes up. And be a place for you to vent day or night when you need to. Talk space is covered by most insurance plans and maybe no cost to you. Go to talkspace.com to get started. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Three-person panel tonight in a stunning turn of events. Two weeks in a row with a three-man panel. Wow, how exciting is this? As I introduced you, two of my favorite comedians in the world, two of the best returning comedians in the world, and one of my favorite musicians in the world, and who I think is one of the funniest musicians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, joining us tonight, what a party we're going to have. Make some noise for the greats. Big J. Okerson, Zack Brown and Mike Benoia, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god, Big J. Okerson. From the Legion of Skank, Skankfest, the roast of Kevin Hart. The great Zack Brown is back. Normally with the fans, the 90s on panel and the return of the great Mike Benoia. Who's been on the show once before, had a great appearance. Big J, our big brother's back, everybody. Yeah. Big J comedy.com. Welcome back, Big J. How are we feeling? It's so great to be here. Little bummed, I was backstage trying to watch the newest episode of Killton. And I just had a please stand by screen. What the hell is going on? The great, right? I thought this was a tight operation. Oh, that hurts. That one last part hurt. I still work with Red Man. I'm a very loyal dog. Loyal to a fault anyone would say. Anyway, we love each other. You know that from the AI video. We were rolling in grass together for those of you that missed it. That was my choice. That was real life. We shot that. One of the great musicians in the world, Mixed in Oyster, Zack Brown, everybody. The love and fear album is out. The love and fear tour is happening all over. Selling out everywhere. They did this fear. They got a he has a duet with the late great Dolly Parton called Butterfly on the most recent album, Love and Fear. Zack, welcome back. How are you, brother? Thank you. Awesome. We're going to have some fun tonight. And one more time for Mike Fanoya. Joining us here again, Mike Fanoya.com at Mike Fanoya, F-I-N-O-I-A. Mike, how we feeling? Doing good, man. Honored to be here, Zack Brown's arms are huge. Yes, they are. They're beautiful. No, right. It's like, what happened to these country stars? They're so jacked and hot now. Fucking Toby Keith had a dad bod since he was 22. He calls the left one Brooks, the right one done. I'll be here all night. He's a hot tamale. Zack's first time on panels. Zack, you've been with the band before, but now you're up here with us. You can almost feel this bucket with over 200 names that have signed up for the opportunity to be on this show. You guys, I think, know how it works. If I pull one of their names, how they get 60 seconds on this stage. Uninterrupted. You know, their time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which really interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. Absolutely anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start this fucking show? I'm feeling in a giving mood tonight. So I'm going to let this softball pitcher pick the first name. Look at this beautiful lady right here. I mean, you've got to love it. I bet you'll just let us do anything to you. It's very exciting. Is this your mom, sir? Yeah, I love it. It's even hotter. That's what I'm into. Let's make a watch. Maybe you can even clean it up afterwards. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, this is what you want it. You're wearing the kiltony hat. The doctor fell shirt. He's ready. He lives for cleaning up our mess on his mother. Okay, we're just riffing tonight. All right, well, we go. I'd like to do open up with a son doing come clean up on his mom. Yeah, it's not off. There's not a lot of shows you can open big with that. This is the one. This is the one. The kiltony for life. Yeah, you can't get in trouble on my monologue. That's for sure. There's no outrage for what happens here. We're going to get it started with the bang, ladies and gentlemen. This is the guy that I consider the greatest kiltony opener in the in the world. I mean, this is it. There's no better way to start the party. Anytime he wants to go on stage, I have a mon. I put him in this spot and we start the party with momentum. I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners of all time to start the show with a brand new minute uninterrupted. I present to you the one and only. The great Martin Phillips, everybody. Here we go. (cheering) Okay, what's up? I didn't fuck this, Mike. Okay, sorry, yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay, first stroke, okay, okay. I was, oh man, I was at the strip club, and yeah, I was like, hey, can I tap this? And she was like, what? And I said, I'm paying with card, you know, already guys, guys aren't digital. I'm good. No, I'm, I'm being old. I'm looking to settle down, I'm doing the thing, I'm looking for a godly woman so I'm asking out nuns and they really play hard to get, you know, they really walked in, you know, and it gets kind of awkward because they say, oh, call me sister, oh my god, this is kind of weird, you know, whatever, whatever we are into. Okay, that's it, Martin Phillips. Having some microphone issues from the top of the set, I counted 14 O'Case to get things started. I don't do word. And then you said first joke as if to indicate a great warning for us all that we didn't know you were going to be kidding at all during the year. Let you know what's coming up. I love it. Martin, how's it going? How's life going? It's okay. No, I did it again. I did it. That's your new catch phrase. Okay. It's okay. It's good. What's that on your shirt? What is that? This is my, my bird shirt. It's your bird shirt. I found a website that exclusively does bird shirt. So tonight I have the Atlantic puffin. Wow. Yeah, yeah, so do you have that because it also has one good leg? I think it's both, they have two legs. Oh, okay. I've never seen a puffin, dude. I've never seen a puffin. No, I don't know. I don't know anything about this. Well, bird thing you're talking about. Yeah, it's all new to me. Do you bird watch? Do you ever throw on the binos? I think one time I did and I didn't see shit actually. It was always a fucking time, you know, actually, I had a bird feeder with a camera, but then, dude, these motherfuckin squirrels are savage. Yeah, they are. I put it up really high. These motherfuckers knocked it down. Yeah, they are hardcore. Yeah. They do that when squirrels move into the neighborhood. They ruin everything around them. The property value goes way down. They break into your bird feeder. Oh, okay. I was like, they'd be all poisoned. I didn't do that. I didn't do that. You wouldn't want to do that. Big J, what do you think about the great Martin Phillips up here tonight? You know, I'm not going to say anything negative. He's overcome so much to be here. A fucking trick mic, disability steps. Yeah. So many steps backstage. That is true. There are a lot of steps. He and Martin's also whole area. If I'm going to say something above and beyond, I understand you way better than Cam Patterson. That is true. That's a good point. I do. Something about Cam. He's so funny. I know he is, but when it hits my ears, I don't know what he's saying. It's like watching the movie snatch. Right. I need subtitles. Yeah. Martin, anything else crazy going on in life we should know about? Oh, that happens. There's one crazy story that involves a kind of involves the Struck Club. Kind of. Okay. Okay. So I was on the road, you know, with Killers and Kill Telly. Who was on this one? Well, you know, it changes. But a key figure that the story is that Drake Flint. Okay. So we are in a Peoria, Illinois. And if you've not been, don't ever go. So I had an early flight. So I wasn't going to go out that night. But then Patrick was like, Hey, man, this guy hit me up. He owns the Struck Club. He can get his day and everything's for free. So that I was like, okay, I'll stop by. You know, I'll make it appear. And, you know, what could go wrong? I feel like that you're occurred from the guy. If you bring anyone with paulsy, you're in for free. Yeah. Well, I didn't tell you this and what's next. I drive because, you know, Patrick really saves money on tour. He never buys a hotel room. He just, his hotel is the airport terminal. Really? Really? And he never, he never runs a car. He just Uber is somewhere with this. These people, I'll tell you. We're all the backpack. They don't get a hotel. They'll eat all your bird feeders. Anyway, it's like 10 minutes away. And we're like three minutes away from it. I'm at the stoplight. This guy comes holding out behind me. It's the fuck out of us. Brun behind. You know, like, for really like that. Yeah. The entire fucking bumper fell off. And so then this guy who hit us, he parked his car, starts fucking booking it. And then Patrick runs after him. Oh, yeah. And my, my glasses fell off. So I can't see. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I was like, where's Patrick? Right. They saw you get out of the guy. You get out of the car. He's like, oh, this guy's all fucked up. I got to go. I fucking, I broke, I think I broke this guy's spinal cord. I was like, fuck, I'm going to prison. Oh, yeah. So I had no idea where anybody is. The police caught on the ambulance. Patrick calls my phone. I was like, he just goes like, I got him. I got right here on the ground. Patrick catches the guy, holds him down and bends him down. And the guy, I guess goes to Jaquie. Wow. Yeah. Patrick chased him down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That direct is a real one, you know. Yeah. And on the police report, the guy who ran his statement, he said he ran because he really needed to take a piss. Oh, yeah. Of course. And I pissed when he hit me, but he's talking about it. Damn, right. Yeah. So true story. That's absolutely incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I survived. I, I, I, I, I got no in place that I don't already have. Beautiful. I think are all good. I'm trying to process the dead drink as a fucking snitch. That is true. The cops that handle that with the streets. The cops are like, this is crazy. What's the criminal doing? Holding down the. Yeah. It's a tough one to break down. Incredible. Yeah. The wild tales of the road out there. Yeah. So we never made it to the strip club. You didn't? That was on the way to the side. I thought at least she got to go to the strip club. I want to be emergency room. Oh, man. That's no fun. Yeah. I'd never been before it turns out. They don't really rely. They forget about the emergency part. Yeah. People were like, I've been here eight hours than me. That didn't really fuck this. We're gonna, we're gonna go. So maybe I, maybe I will die. I don't know about that. Well, we'll see. It's a bad emergency room. I feel like if you walked in, they should be like, I assume this is the emergency. I wish. Amazing. All right. Well, Martin, what a great way to get tonight's show started to the bucket we go. The golden ticker winner Martin Phillips has started to show you yet again. And here we go. This is where we meet everyone. The chaos begins. It could be the next great talent in the world. Could be someone that absolutely is unprepared and overconfident. Anything can happen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted. Starting off our bucket is Steve Espinoza, everybody. Here we go. Steve Espinoza. I like getting to travel because I get to hear and experience new accents. When I was in New Mexico, the waitress that was helping me, I was like, God, that's so thick and beautiful. What is that? And she said, I'm deaf. Thank you. I've been married for 17 years, so woman, thank you. For the first 15 years, we did not want kids, but that recently changed. We have a beautiful 10-month-old a girl and you know, to climb it sucks. But now that she's here, my wife and I have realized we still don't want kids. But it's very important for me to be a father because my father walked out and after being a dad for 10 months, I get why he did it. It sucks. This is hard. I tell my wife two weeks ago, I'm going to go get some cigarettes. She's like, you don't smoke. I'm like, bye. Thank you. All right. Steve Espinoza. Not going to Get it out. Get it in. How long have you been doing stand-up, Steve? I've been doing it for 20 years. 20 years? Wow, where are at? Corpus, actually, I worked with you back in like '08 at Gators. Wow, amazing. Yeah. Gators, who's at the upstairs above the pizza place? No, that was the other shit hole. Gators was off of S.P.I.D. It was like a pool hall biker place kind of. That sounds like my kind of party. You know, wait, I would have performed absolutely anywhere. But at the pizza place, Paulie Shore and I got held up over there in the back. What do you mean you got held up? A guy with a gun showed up. During a Paulie Shore show? I think it was before the water gun. We were in the back smoking cigarettes. And the guy, I didn't give them the money, but. Yeah, dude, give 'em. Dude, give 'em what you got. I don't have nothing. I'm just the weasel. Yeah. Can I take the credit cards? Amazing. Paulie thing enough was afterwards. Paulie just looked at me. He's like, "Do you know that guy?" I was like, "That's hilarious." What? He's so racist. He thought you just set him up. Dude, what was that? And for more, like, a better celebrity. That was probably your cousin. There's something to see. How weasel walked into a trap, but. 20 years of comedy and Corpus Christi, that's where you still live? No, actually moved to Hutto four years ago. What made you move to Hutto? To do comedy full-time. In Hutto. Not in Hutto. No, I just lived there. I'd go to other places. Got it, got it, got it. All right. The Manhattan of Corpus Christi. Oh, yeah. A lot better. It's Boomin. Yeah, okay. How do you make money? What exactly do you install for a living? (audience laughing) It's just not just because he's Latino. There's a vibe. He has an installation vibe. I've seen cables. I see wires or bikes, perhaps. It's actually pronounced stealing, so. But no, what do I, I just do comedy, but I've been off for 14 months because we've been, I've been taking care of the baby and being a stay-at-home dad and. What's the mom do for work? She makes a lot of money. Doing what? (audience laughing) She works for the government. Okay. Yeah. And so what do you, it seems like you really don't like this daughter of yours? No, I really do love her. God's truth, I really do. She's awesome. What do you not like about it? The poop, for sure. That's not fun. I'm not into that anymore. Huh. (audience laughing) Anymore. Yeah. That's good. It's very gross and yucky and it got in my beard one time and that's. How does it get on your beard exactly? What are you cleaning it with? My beard? I see. No, I was taking her sock off and there was poop on the sock and she extended and then it stretched it and then it popped and. Wow. Sounds like she's going to be performing a one of Martin strip clubs down the road. The old poop shoot. All right. Steve, tell us a fun fact about your life that we would be surprised to know. Not gay, but I really love Sabrina Carpenter music. Then you are gay? Yeah. I don't even really know who that is. Let's check in with our senior music correspondent, Zach Brown on this one. Can you say "Deplane" for me one time? Deplane? See. It's familiar. Just a little taller, but yeah. I love it. Yeah. So Steve, other than that, what's another fun fact about you that we would find interesting? You have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that's really good at like a Rubik's cube or something. Not at all. I'm so stupid. But I recently almost died. Oh, tell us about that. COVID. I was. Yeah, no, seriously. I know it wasn't. For me, it's recent. My brain's dumb. Let me alone, shut up. So in '21, I got COVID and I was intubated, traked. I had to relearn how to walk, talk, eat, all that stuff all over again. So yeah, that's 100% true. In corpus, so. Wow. Just so you know, you can't. You're not allowed to say that at the mothership. Yeah. [BELL RINGING] That is true. You're going to upset the naked girls working in the eye for mectin factory upset. [LAUGHTER] Well, you got to keep naked, are they steel? Yes. See. [LAUGHTER] Did you see like a light or anything? How close to death were you? I was pretty close. Yeah, I did see a lot of weird stuff. It was mostly like the life flashy before my eyes kind of stuff. Wow, like what? What did you see? You hitting a pinata as a child? Getting hit by like a pinata. But yeah, but mostly that, just like childhood stuff, it was. I don't know, I've called it with my therapist. I call it a comicon, which is just like a shitty dream. And it was pretty much just like a nightmare for like two and a half weeks. Straight, so yeah. Comicon sounds like the worst festival you'd ever want to go to, right? It does. And I was the headliner, it was horrible. All right, Steve, well, here's a little brown joke book. You got the bucket started for us tonight. On to the next one, we go. Steve Espinoza. There he goes. There goes Steve. Uh-oh, look who it is, everybody. It's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Oh my goodness. Wow, what a hot tamale. If anybody stares at her too long and you feel like you're going to come in your pants, just look at Red Band real quick and you'll soften up real quick. One more time for the lovely Heidi. You show up to a blood drive, the person in charge of Ampire, one sip and your donations gone, along with the rest of you. There is a reason why you wouldn't let a vampire run the blood drive just like there's a reason why Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. I mean, where do I even begin? First of all, they win a lot. And if you find yourself injured, why would you call your cousin Jerry's favorite public defender? You don't do that. You get a real lawyer and our favorite lawyers in the world are Morgan and Morgan, America's largest injury law firm. Alright, back to the bucket we go, this person has wacky handwriting. That normally means it's about to get a little wild. Make some noise for Billy Ray Griffin, everybody, Billy Ray Griffin. So do you think Hitler would like rap music? I wonder what his favorite song would have been. I don't fuck with. Jews? I mean, we got some comedy fans in his mother fucker, so off from Florida, and everyone's like, "Oh, Florida must be so terrifying." Alright, growing up there were those damn Hurricanes and Alligators. No shit. We got Haitians too. So they're like, "Oh, did you hear about that baby that gay ate by a gator there?" I'm like, "That ain't nothing. That's just a Florida abortion." Shit. I'm so forth, huh? I say, "Orges with a horror." I think you guys in Billy Ray Griffin, you're welcome. Billy Ray Griffin. Welcome. You've been on this show before, right, Billy Ray? Yes, sir. This is my third time. Okay. I'm Ray was the first one. Okay. What was the second one? And David Jolly. Okay. And then here you are. Yeah, here I am. Alright. So Billy Ray Griffin, you are originally from Florida. How long have you been in Austin? Four years in April. Four years in April. Did you have a family back in Florida or anything? Yeah, yeah. Some family there. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? The bar's next door. You work at the bar guy? You're a door guy at the bar's next door. Yes. Okay. Do you have any other ways to make money or anything in your side households? You look like you're on a scam fishing boat operation. Yeah. Yeah. I'm scam paterson. Oh, okay. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Billy Ray, what made you want to get in this standup comedy? I started my first time open mic in 2019 and I just always want to do it. My best friend told me to do it and well, actually I did one in 2009. It was horrible. They threw tomatoes at me. Yeah, that's not good. So they really had tomatoes in the room? Yeah. Well, it was at a bar and I had friends at a tattoo shop and they threw tomatoes at me. It was bad. They brought your friends brought tomatoes. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And then ten years later, I'm like, hey, I'm going to do one finally and that wasn't good and I was bombing and then, you know, if you're a comic, it's bombing, bombing and then you do better and better and better and that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. If you're one in a comedy group. Yeah. Yeah. I'm figuring it out here. Thanks. Yeah. So Billy Ray, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that, oh, no, no, no, no, no, just no. -Yeah, I'm single. It's been a long time. I'm focused on other things, but no. -It might be harder when you have to announce to all your neighbors when you move into a new place. -What? [ Laughter ] -What? Like Trick or Treating? -It's hard to be like, but besides all that, want to grab coffee? Now that we got that out of the way. -You're like a Florida Lebowski. -Yeah. I love it. -It is true. Do you always dress this wilder as it just a random night? -These were clean. -I don't know. -Yeah, but -- -You sure? -I like my shirt. I like my shirt. -It's okay. -It's this one. -Yeah. I mean, I don't know much about fashion, but I don't know if you're supposed to wear every color at once. [ Laughter ] Billy Ray Griffin, when you say you focus on other things instead of women, what are you focusing on? -Money and myself. I don't need distractions. I just do what I'm about making money. -What's your living situation? -A little of friends and just children. -How many friends? -A lot. -How many is a lot? -Like three. Three friends in a one-bedroom, two-bedroom? -A apartment. -Right. -Yeah. -Yes. -That would definitely be one-bedroom, two-bedroom. -Yeah. -A three-bedroom. -Three-bedroom? -Yeah. -So you have the living room? -Yes. -How many bathrooms are there in this apartment? -There's one. -One bathroom. Four-men, one-bathroom. -That's a lot. -How many towels? -Yeah. So you've had shit in your beard as well. [ Laughter ] What's it like sharing a bathroom with three other guys when you're a grown-ass man like this? Take us through it. Do you care? Are you the weakest link I'm guessing in this bathroom? I'm thinking it might be-- -No. -The other three guys might be able to explain the horror stories a little bit better. You seem like you have no problem with the whatsoever. -Well, yeah. I mean, I go to different friends places and stuff, like, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're kind of like just on the move. -Where do you keep your toothbrush? -Well, huh? -You have a toothbrush? -Yeah. -Where do you keep it? It's in your backpack. What else is in your backpack? Give us a break down on what's in your bag. -Oh, shit. -Yeah, you got a backpack? -Baptack usually consists of clothes. -Uh-huh. -Deodorant, toothbrush, tickets for a base side of my favorite band. Just like, you have tickets to see your favorite band in your backpack. -Oh, I've got them. I just, like, keep, like-- -Oh, I see. -Tickets, stuffings. -I think we're three things from, like, a severed hand, chloroform, a bird that's dead, but he thinks he's alive. -Yeah. A puffin, perhaps, perhaps, for-- -It's all going to do it. -The rare puffin in the backpack. Billy Ray Griffin. You ever have an STD? -All right. Well, you got to be honest on kilotroning. So, yeah, comedia. -Okay, comedia. Take us through what your symptoms were. -Oh, crazy. Yeah. It was just a little different than it usually was. So, yeah, this is awesome. So, I'm saying I got to make a good-- -Hey, I'm trying to make-- You were no help in the beginning. I have to make this interview good, and now I found something. -I had to be honest. -I had to be honest. I had to be honest. -So, take us through exactly what does it feel like? When you say it felt different, what exactly did it feel like? The people are all very interested now. Look at them out there. Face them. -Yeah, please face them. -Hey, hey, hey. -You can't get closer. Piddestiller fixed. It was great. -Okay, but that doesn't answer my question. What did you feel? -I mean, it was just like a little burn, and I just, I don't know. -Okay, it was a long time ago. It was years ago. I don't fucking remember. -You remember? You remember just fine. -Yeah. -You fucking don't forget that, Billy or A. -She's a story a lot. -I remember how I got it. -How'd you get it? -Okay. -So. -Here we go. -Yeah. So, it was in a relationship with this bitch, and she was a whore. So, obviously, so, like, yeah. And she's Indiana, Indiana or something. -The long story short, huh? -That was your cliff note. -Yeah. -Can you write a song about that? -Is that it on your leg? -Oh, yeah. -You want me to hear the story? I fucked the girl up from the girl. -Fact girl. Wow. -Is that really her? -Yeah, it was. It was my ex. -Oh, Christ. -Wow. And she. Yeah, go ahead. -So, I was. We dated for two years. Wasn't a girl relationship. I'm on. I'm already to another fat girl. I'm like, I'm about to go to my first date. I'm about to go my first date with her. And everything already matched on Tinder with this chick. And I'm about to go. I'm ready to go. And my ex kept on calling me, calling me. And I'm like, no, I'm not answering this. And then I finally answered. And she's like, hey, I had to. I'm like, what the fuck you want? She's like, listen. And she's like, I'm sick. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm like, you're sick. I'm like, cancer, you know, something bad, you know? And she's like, I'm like, what's going on? She's like, I got committed. And I'm like, that's not sick. You're being a whore. And I hung up on her. And I was, yeah, that's how I got. And I already knew. But you had it. Ah, well, I already knew. Did you still fuck that fat chick that night? Yes, she was about it. Okay. There you go. It's warmer, right? There you go. There's Red Band, everybody. Billy Ray, can I ask. What are you going to do when the local authorities find out what you've done in Florida? A change by me. All right. Billy Ray Griffin. Oh, yeah, Mike. I just want to know on CalShi, what's the odds of underwear being underneath the as fucking bathing suit? Dude. Ah, yeah. How close are we to the-- Are you going to see what-- Wining. I got it. All right. Billy Ray Griffin. Here's a little black joke book for you. Oh, cool. You guys are great. Billy Ray? I will say, light gray underwear is bold. That's going to show a lot of ass sweat. I just can't believe you would. After finding out the knowledge, he gave a fat girl a chlamydia after all that. Very interesting. You guys kept getting closer. A lot of people-- You see that? He was like, right here. I could smell the chlamydia. Back to the "Fuck a We Go" ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Mia Valdez. Everyone air comes in Mia Valdez. Hello. Hi. My mom didn't tell me I was black until I was eight years old. And the next day she told me I was ashy. I had kind of an unconventional upbringing. I'm half Mexican. And I'm trying to get more in touch with that side of my culture. So I started saying the N word. Yeah. Yeah. I love the N word. I'm actually-- I do love the culture. Does anyone here familiar with Brujería? Brujería. If you don't know, it's sort of like Mexican for like witchcraft. I think. And one of my aunts is actually Akudandera, which if you don't know, was Mexican for having a lot of eggs at your house. I don't know. I'm kind of weird. I just got out of a really bad relationship. My ex-boyfriend and I, we would fight a lot. And the last conversation we ever had, he told me he wanted to go back to college. And I was like, what do you want to study? And he said, plants. And I said, I have a better idea. Why don't you plant your ass in an oil field? And grow me some money, bitch. I know you're not supposed to say this, but I feel like I'm not like other girls. Because there's a little man that lives inside my pussy. And he says a lot of fucked-up stuff to me. He's always like, you know, play sports bets. You know, he's like, play sports bets on galshi.co. Okay, thank you. Okay, Mia Valdez. I'm making some side-catch there from galshi. Mia, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? Um, is one year in September? Okay, so about a year. Do you start here in Austin? So I'm from San Antonio, Texas. Oh, nice. San Antonio, that checks out. I am a, I'm like a digital reporter for a local news station there. Oh, they say you. This is a fucking expose, dude. Yeah, they still have those, huh? Digital reporter. Yeah. They pay you for that. Yeah. Interesting. Okay, that's cool. You do like just write-ups or do you do on-camera stuff? Writing and like social videos. Okay. What's the last thing you covered? Oh my god. A new like, um, craft store opened up in San Antonio. It was a really big deal. Ooh, a craft store. How exciting. What did you, what was the big breakdown about it? What, what, what, what, what sets it apart from the other craft stores? Come on, this is it. They have like good, good deals on fabrics. Things like that. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's nice. Textiles get me hot. You didn't know you were black until how old? Eight years old. Eight? Yeah, that's kind of comp. But you don't have a mirror until you were nine? I thought I was Mexican. My whole family is Mexican, um, yeah. I was like a fair baby. You have brothers and sisters? Two brothers. And are they older than you? One's older, one's younger. And do they have the same dad as you? We were like, we grew up together. She's an affair baby. A lot of people don't, my, so my biological father is Nigerian and my dad who raised me as Mexican and people don't think that makes sense. But I think it makes a lot of sense. The black and Nigerian will outweigh the Mexican. Yeah. Oh yeah. For sure. But I think it does make sense because, you know, it's a classic story that Mexican doing the job, no one else wanted. Hey, wow, there it is. Standing ovation from our resident Mexican, Michael Gonzalez. Have you uh have you met your real Nigerian dad? I have been communicating with him and he's he sent you emails asking for money I think he's been emailing me as well. Yeah He calls me he does talk to me if you send him a hundred thousand dollars. You will get you the million No, he's sweet. He's awesome. He does he asked me why I want to do stand-up comedy and all I can say is I don't know who's cuz I met you on Facebook when I was 28 Yeah, but yeah, that I mean 24. What does he do a runner dude long distance on her? That is genuinely That's a good question. I haven't I'm scared to ask. I don't know How about mom mom's proud of you for doing stand-up. Is she been to any of your shows? Yeah, yeah She's she and my dad of my Mexican dad. Yeah, yeah, they show some they show love Yeah, yeah, go ahead. What's with the whole pantheria shit you got going on in your family a bunch of food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, do you like can you like fuck with your Nigerian dad that way? No, kill a chicken at the right now. No, I don't want sacrifice a puffin perhaps maybe Eat a lizard make his dick fall off He's nice. He's he's he's a good guy What's your love life like me about this cuz you're like you're a little you're you know you're you're you're what they would call it in a Beauty, what an exotic type I guess My love life, um, I'm just single. I'm just trying to do you find yourself attracted to a certain type of person is it to like a Tall black eyes of met tattoo-covered Mexican guy skinny white guys with eye white microphones with gold tips Just just asking yeah, I love it all I love it all interesting your last relationship. What was that guy like? Tall white guy. Tall white guy. Yeah, interesting. Yeah, interesting a lot of a lot of women go for someone that's like their father But not you Is that perhaps a long distance relationship or? No, no, oh my god. No, we were we're tight. Yeah, okay. How did it end? Oh my god? Just Like 15 breakups, you know, then yeah, okay Me a girls look for guys like their father. I think so. Oh, then my daughter must think I'm every black guy in Brooklyn I love these cubes. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding I'm just kidding me. Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life before we let you out of here I Can rap. Oh my god. No way Mexican half black from San Antonio no way Dude, what if she just does the the other guy parts from Cypress Hillsong? Okay, you want a freestyle or you want a little beat you want D madness to give you a little base? What do you want? Can I be I guess give her a little something D. What do you got there? Oh shit? Oh, okay, ladies and gentlemen, they rap debut of Mia Valdez. Oh my god. Okay I'm fast with oh my god fuck. Okay I'm fit with the fitness. I'm fast with the quickness. I'm slow with the hate and I'm quick with the bitches I don't know. I'm sorry. That's all I can do. I'm sorry. That's it. Yeah. Oh my goodness Mia. We had so much Rap she said okay as much as Martin Wow That's so on the spot. I felt that uncomfortable nervousness when you say you're fit with the fitness. What exactly does that? Anyone else find that to be an odd opening line I used to be like a skinny like Tumblr hoe and now you know when guys meet me they're like what's up big dog? Oh You know Big dog big dog. He just called me a fat bitch. Oh my god Mia, I like your style. I think you're really really funny like especially especially off the cuff in the interview part There's these moments where you have an incredible sense of humor and you're only a year in keep working on it Here's a special Nigeria in addition Killtony big joke book the first big joke book of the night Going to be about this Bomb I like that beat. I'm fit with the fitness With the fitness. Can I get a witness? I used to be skinny and I took a big shitness Hey now the NBA is back on price fix available nationwide whether you want a high scoring shoot out in the West or a physical battle on the boards in the East Price fix has you completely covered. It's the easiest and most exciting way to get locked into all the daily basketball action personally I'm all in on Wembee and the spurs this season those young guys were incredibly fun to watch last year And I think this is the season they take it all the way But just because basketball is back doesn't mean football is slowing down red band You can seamlessly combine basketball picks like points and rebounds and football picks like touchdowns and passing yards Do the exact same lineup plus prize picks max makes tracking every plate effort list with live box scores Right from inside the app as well as social features that let you browse and copy popular lineups with a single click Download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups If you win your first $5 line up download the app today and use code Tony to get $150 line up if you win your first $5 line up Price fix run your game all right your next comedian ladies and gentlemen is a golden ticket winner He's fantastic makes a noise for the return of Colin sledge everybody here we go Okay, thank you My friend told me he had a scat fetish So I said it could be Bidabadubidabadubidadow And he came in his pants My girlfriend says I shouldn't watch porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations for her as a woman And then she watched three hours of HGTV I think it's true that porn can mess with expectations because uh my first girlfriend was insecure about the way her pussy looked And that's not the joke She was insecure by the way her pussy looked and it's a weird insecurity to have because like how would anyone ever know you know How would anyone ever find out Elizabeth Elizabeth summers from Waco How How would anyone ever find out about your crooked ass upside down cauliflower your ass pussy So my only joke I have to a herce crooked ass cauliflower. Okay. Okay. That's it. Thank you, Colin sledge With somehow a better rap than me about does had while describing the cauliflower pussy um So Colin it described I first of all I really hope you chose a fake name in a fake city of that Ex-girlfriend good very smart that would be crazy. Yeah Um, good to check What uh what what was her pussy actually like can you describe it was it would you say lippy big it was it was very it was very nice And if it wasn't I would take it to my grave Because I respect woman towards the camera. Okay It's like an old catch is made from the 20s Yeah, no, it was it was very it was very cute like a flower Because it had like george oak heave, huh Okay, I wish you were telling jokes again What kind of porn do you watch when you do watch porn Colin sledge? Let's be honest here pretty much anything with Riley Reed Yeah, what is it about Riley Reed that you like bush right uh, well, I think she's so switch hitter I don't know for sure if she always has a bush um But she's got some uh she's got some enthusiasm. It's nice Big J seems to be pretty convinced very on the bush. You pretty sure she has a bush I don't want for a particular porn but I don't think I'm an amateur guy, but I think she rocks a bush pretty much steadily Well, I'm just going to have to agree to disagree with you Can I be honest with you Colin? This is a hill I'm willing to die on so Well, I got my phone Red red band love searching porn anytime uh the an opportunity comes up my first time seeing Colin so fun Let me ask AI actually say does Riley this porn star Riley Reed uh mostly have a bush Well red bands trying to figure out how to spell make your friend look like a fool to Well red bands trying to figure out how to spell Riley Reed and bush uh I'll ask you how you are It's been a while so I wrote down stuff I did the comedy store. I got a vasectomy and I pulled a kid and out of an f-150 so So whichever of those you like was it in the when you say in the f150 where was it so it was - This isn't like the engine bay. - Whoa. - Yeah. My friend was driving on the freeway into a cat like yowling, and so we just drove it to my house and we sort of got her out. - Let's go back to Riley Reid's bush situation. - Riley Reid has appeared with both shaved and natural pubic hair though, though as shaved or closely trimmed look seems more common throughout her career. She has also appeared with a fuller bush at times. It's not something she's maintained consistently. - It goes back and forth, you were both correct. - We're calling. - Call us when I draw. - Call when I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong. - Okay. - You were wonderful out there. - Thank you. (laughing) - I just dirty dancing them. - Colin, how have you been, what's been, how you been making money lately? - It's cool. I've been on the road, I did a, I did Sam Talon's comedy festival last week. - Oh nice. - So that was really cool. It was very fun. - It was a Colorado. - No, it was Benville, Arkansas. - Wow. - Yeah, big diamond comedy fest. - Wow. - My goodness. - Who else was there? Well, Sam Talon was there. - Right. - Good job, Colin. - Okay. - This is a radio hit song. (laughing) - I think Rory Skolval was there. - Okay. - Yeah, that was pretty cool. - Colin, how's your relationship going? You have a girlfriend? - It's going very well. She's in Houston with the cat right now. - With the cat that you saved out of the 4Depth one. - Yes. - Yes. - Well, we've kept it for now. She's very cute. - How long have you had it for exactly? - About a week. - Okay, so it's been a week. - Yeah, I think we're going to give it away. - Did it start peeing in your place? - Well, I mean, it-- - Yes. - Yeah, I figured out litter at this point, but at first it was a lot of diary at the start. I think it was a little sick, so. But it's, she's doing good now. - Wow. - And how did you know there was a cat under the hood of the 4Depth one 50? - So my friend just heard it yowling on the freeway. - It's too ugly. - With a converter. (laughing) - Mu! - Yeah, sorry. - My friend just heard her when he was driving, and he drove it to my house because I'm good with cats. - Did he keep it? He kept it in the engine and drove to your house. - He did? - Said 'cause I'm good with cats. - Yeah, I've never heard of cats. - Say I'm good with cats. - So don't you want? - Yeah. - I'm good with cats. - Fuck you. - He'll die on that hill. - No. - This is excessive. - You must also love Sabrina Carpenter. - Cat, yeah. - Yeah. - Okay. - So anyway, we've been working at the Renaissance Ferris. We've been busy with that. I've been folding my shirts, you know, getting back to my roots. And she's like my boss there now. - What do you do at the Renaissance Fer? - I mostly fold shirts. You fold shirts. - Yeah, they sell a lot of shirts. - Chainmail? - I'm great at it. - No, just regular T-shirts that say the Texas Renaissance Ferris. - So whole radio had album. - Yeah, the chainmail of shirts is like a higher pay grade than me. - Oh shit. - All right, Colin. Well, fun times, good set. You got it in. And there you go. Colin sledge, everybody. - Sledge. - Thank you. - I still want to know what that girl's pussy looks like. He got very complimentary after saying it was a crazy pussy. - It was funny. It was my first time seeing him. - Funny. - It's nobody insecure about a perfect pussy out there. You know what I mean? - I want to know. - Is it lippy? Is it like-- - You've surprised how many gnarly ones think they're perfect though. - Ain't that the truth? - Yeah, well, you're never going to say you're wrong. - Well, back to the bucket week of everybody. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Olivia C or C everyone. Here comes Olivia. - I was single for six years until recently. Now it's seven. All right, so I partially true. I really was single for a long time. I am dating someone now, and he's great. But the other day I snapped at him. And because of that, I thought he was going to break up with me. And all I could think about in that moment was how pathetic it was going to be. Having to disassemble my CPAP machine at set his house. It's like, I do not want to do that. That is degrading. I've worked a lot different jobs of the years. And I think the weirdest job that I worked was I was a bartender at a Swinger's Club in the basement of a days in lobby. Some of you look familiar. Yeah, this is such a shitty bar. Nobody wanted work there. But we had common night there once a week. So it's like, I'm here all the time anyways. I'll just be the bartender here. And I think the most awkward thing that I ever saw was one time I had to break up a pussy eating contest. That was happening on the bar. Yeah, boy did I feel like a prude ruining their good time. I had to be like, hey, cut that out. That's where I eat on my lunch break. This is messed up. And that is all. Thank you. Olivia Searsie. Welcome, Olivia. How long have you been on stand-up? Grab that microphone. Come up there. I haven't slept in almost 48 hours. I've been doing comedy for 13 years. Why haven't you slept for 48 hours? Well, I was so excited about this trip that I did not sleep last night. No, and I just arrived in town today. OK, go bender. No, it's Adderall, come on. Is it really? Yeah, I mean, I'm prescribed, so-- Sure, that's what it is. I am. Yeah, well, that's what you-- For the third time. Yeah, people that, yeah, you get a prescription when you want it. That's what happens. Doctors are happy to write it, and you're happy to get it. And thank God for that. How much Adderall do you take? This is embarrassing. It was only two milligrams, so yeah. And now it's 20? Is this like your joke? I was single for six years now, seven? No. OK, and you take it every day? Yes. OK, when do you take it? In the morning. Well, what if you don't sleep? What's the morning? I still took it this morning. OK. Even though you didn't sleep, you're like, fuck it. Yeah, because I knew I was going to be here tonight. I was like, I got to take it. So where were you last night? I was in Pensacola, Florida. That's run from. OK. And so you just stayed up? I mean, I laid in bed and I tried to sleep, but I could not. Were you alone? Yes, I was. You flew here alone? Yes, I did. OK. Pensacola, Florida. That's landlocked Florida, right? No, we're right on the beach. We're right below Alabama. So that was completely wrong, so it's OK. But at least you're right about the bush thing. I know, though. I don't know. You weren't here earlier, but there was a bush thing. I was right about it. Yeah. I was half right about it. Olivia, see or see. Give us a fun fact about your life. Let's see. I do comedy full-time, even though my set was not that great. But I produce comedy shows, and I help book them in Pensacola. I'm pretty good at pottery, so good at hand jobs as well. Whoa. Look at that. That's too good. It hurts, though. Yeah. Well, all the adder all year on, I can't imagine. You probably get a few blisters. It's grippin'. It's grippin'. Do you have to spin me around while you jerk me off? [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] It's my weird view off of the two shades. Yeah. Whatever. As long as that ghost song is playing, I'm in. [LAUGHTER] All right. My boyfriend's down. I already know it. No. Swinger's bar. Yes. Do you ever get involved? Do you ever dive in? No. But-- It would have been a lot cooler if you did. No. One time, though, I did go home with a male cheerleader. It was a regular at the Swinger's night. What? And I know. I know. What happened that night? What'd you guys do? We went on a date to a strip club with my sister. And then you held you in the air by your one foot? No. Did you run into the back of a car driven by a kid we could cerebral palsy? And then-- I wish I would have been better. Black kid. [LAUGHTER] But you hooked up with a male cheerleader? Yes, I did. Did you do anything different or odd that night that stood out to you? But sex. Um. Red band. We have a decent female comedian up here. Oh, give us some. Did he yell "Sis Boomba" on your pussy? And then you cleafed it back out? Well, like, it didn't last so long. He's like, I don't know. He could do a backhand spring. I can't touch my toes. So it just wasn't compatible, you know? He said, ready? I came. [LAUGHS] Give me your D. No, yours was better. Olivia, have you ever been with a black man before? How did I know I was going to be asked this? Because of the size of your ass? [LAUGHTER] That's how I knew. Yes, one, and he was mixed. Oh, OK. Mixed. OK, where'd you meet this guy at? At a bar. And he came up to you, or you approached him. He came up to me. And what did he say? He said, hey, baby. He said, I looked very confident, and he liked that. So. Oh, yeah. Now, let me ask you this. Some people say, once you go black, you never go back. Was the romance that night something that you've thought of since then? No. But not because of his race. It's just, yeah, no. Dick, was too big, and you stole your blue race? [LAUGHTER] No. But he did ask me about my bush, because I was too shy and didn't want to hook up with him at first. And then he was like, what's the matter, girl? Is there something wrong with that landing strip? Who says that? Oh, no. They love it. But I had to create the opposite of that attitude. You're white, you're white. You're white, you're white, boobs. Wait, mine and white? Mine or not white? You have your white. -Oh. -Yeah, yeah. -Yes. -He was being the black guy. -The wire reviews of, yeah, I was personified. -That was improv. -It's fine. We'll circle back. -I'm not good at improv. [ Laughter ] -Olivia, fun times, you know, the losing sleep that affects everything, so -- -It really does. -Who knows what could have happened. -I know. -I'm strangely anti-adderall, believe it or not, as a guy that drinks six-shot espresso lattes and chain-smoke cigarettes. I'm shockingly against that, or all. I think it throws balance off of things. -Yeah, you're right. There's natural ways to do it. -It throws your timing off, I think, like, when you're on stage. -Sorry. -Anyway, I've got some more add-off for me. -It makes things go at a uncomfortable pace. -Oh, nice hands, feet. -What a disaster, you guys. -No, it's fine. Olivia, it happens. Come back, sign up again. We'll do it again. -I will. -We get some sleep. -Yes, thank you for having me. -Of course. Olivia's here to see everybody. That add-off is tricky, just because a doctor says it's okay. You can get your kids to be careful out there. Make some noise to your next bucket bowl. It's John O'Campo. -Yeah, they had me on Ritalin when I was a kid, so. Oh, here he is. -Hey, y'all. I might have fucked up. I was supposed to come up here if I had a minute, but I was too busy getting pussy last night to write a minute, and I came twice in her pussy, though, so that was good. It's really an improvement, because usually I'm too busy getting fucked by black guys in the ass. Now, at least I'm a little straighter, and the thing about getting fucked by black guys in the ass is you can turn the lights off, because you don't have to see them. You just got to feel a lot, but I'm really happy that I'm a little straighter now. I like white pussy better, because I am one fourth black, that's why I make these black jokes. And so I got a fucking eight inch hog, fucking nine inches, and when I take that rhino pill, that blue chew, sorry, it's only the blue chew. And so when I take that blue chew, it becomes a Gandalf stick, a staff, it tells the air. You shalt not pass, and then I let it pass when I take it out. It makes this cleaf sound, like the fart noise, and reminds me of when I used to fuck black guys in the ass too. But yeah, shit, fuck, I can't believe I came up here. Thank you, everyone. Fuck. Okay. Wow. I mean, where do we begin? Mike Fenoya? I'm gonna jump in here. I see what you mean about Adderall. Yeah. Makes a lot of sense. There goes D-madness. Not good for comedy. Our resident homophob. Fun fact about D-madness, he does not like gay stuff at all. He's always been the way Big J. That was crazy. That felt like you and your daughter were outside, and then someone came up and kidnapped your daughter and said, "If you don't go on stage and do comedy, I'm gonna kill your daughter." And you just did what you had to do. Yeah. I'm a dirty comic. Very dirty comic, but that was crazy, but I love white pussy, and then pussy's inside your pussy. Yeah. That was aggressive, dude. I loved it. You can't speak for the crew. John, that was absolutely insane. How old are you? 25. 25. Have you ever attempted stand-up comedy before? Honestly, technically for a year. Technically, I run the pre-killed Tony open mic at Narbar, but I'm not as good at comedy as hosting. Yeah. You made it sound so official. It's an open mic that happens at an empty bar across the street. Technically. The pre-killed Tony open mic at Narbar. So official, John O'Campo. So you go up there in front of almost nobody, and you talk about things like that, or was that kind of off the cuff? Is that your brand of comedy, or was that just a meltdown? It was a meltdown. I literally just rode it at Shakespeare's at the bar. We know. No, no, no. We know. There's no like. You rode that? Yeah. That's the craziest part. That's incredible. That could be something. This could work. Pussy, pussy, me, fuck, in, ass, quarter-black. Yeah. Small claims court stenographer, you wrote that, fuck it, shit. Yeah, John. Okay. So you've been doing it for what would you say a year? Yeah. Okay. So out of your entire year, let's take a breath here and do your best joke that you have. That's yours. That isn't that. Just a quick little joke. It's still going to be about me getting fucked by black guys, uh. That's fine. That's fine. You ruined it. Yeah. You really gave it away there, John. Why'd you start with the punchline? Oh, look. That was in the punchline. Oh. Okay. So basically, um. All right. Let's go back to Son of Mod's fucking thing. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. [laughter] [applause] Okay, John, just do the joke. No hatter, no extra shit. Just get right into it. All right. When I was 17, my dad paid for me to get raped by four different prostitutes, all the races. It didn't fuck the gay outta me because I actually got fucked by a black guy when I was 18. And it was a ten-incher. And uh. I cleaned it, so it was real clean. And I loved it, dude. And uh. God damn it, dude. You should not be up here, but. You are correct, John. You don't have a single joke. You're not a real comedian. We're gonna give you a year off before you get to sign up again, so that this doesn't happen again. Oh. You have so much different with a jazz beat behind it. You have a wild ego in your selfish for doing this, just to let you know. You wasted everybody's time and energy and you crushed the momentum of an otherwise unbelievable show. I'm sorry. There he goes. Hello, everyone. It's a real show. No joke, but a one-year ban for John O'Campo, who literally clearly just talks about getting fucked in the ass by huge cocks. It's very bizarre. Make some noise to your next bucket pool. It's Tim Hill, everybody. All right, how's it going, everybody? Good? Beautiful, beautiful. I had. my wife had to call an ambulance for me not too long ago. I had a kidney failure. It wasn't really as bad as kidney failure. It was a cute kidney failure. It was actually kind of adorable, but she called an ambulance nonetheless. She called an ambulance, and to my house came two paramedics. They walked into my home and I found they were two non-binary paramedics. Which is great. You know, and I'm fine with that, and I understand why they put them in the same car. You know, why ruin two totally normal people's day. Just put them in the same bus and let them yammer at each other all day. I don't know what they do. But I got the LGBT bus that day, and I'm fine with that. Like I said, I want everybody to be who they want to be. I'm just not sure if that specifically, you know what I mean, should be a lot. I'm not sure if you should be on the front lines of saving lives if you don't know who you are first. Yeah, it's it. All right. Thank you. Thank you very much. There it is. Comedy. And we're back. Tim Hill. Fantastic set, Kim. That was great. Wow. Wow, how would take us through a kidney, a cute kidney failure? I didn't, I used to not drink a lot of water. I got, it's a pretty important thing. I drink a lot now, but before I was not drinking very much water, and I got kind of sick. And I think that led to it. I was throwing up and still just only drinking like Red Bull. Oh, jeez. It was a nightmare, it was a nightmare lifestyle. But I went to the hospital. They Iveed me. I was out in like a day and a half. Everything was fine after that. Okay. All right, Tim. How long have you been on standup? Ten years. Ten years. Love it. And I do believe that's the best that you've ever had on the show. You've been on the show. Probably. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. You're doing good. You've been working a lot. Doing well, yeah. Yeah, hang out. How you make a money nowadays? Still working with dogs for the most part. But I was, I opened for a guy pretty regularly. Remind us. What do you do with dogs exactly? Just headquarters of a dog daycare. People bring them eye and I hang out with the dog all day. Very cool. And normal stuff like that. Very cool. Hell yeah. Mike. As captain of the Ford softball team. How do you guys? Do you sleep with the dogs? Do you stay overnight? Yeah. The dog you do. Yeah, there's somebody there overnight all the time. You're the guy. Not all the time on Wednesdays, usually. Yeah. I dropped my dog off at a place sometimes. Not really. She sleeps over and I always wondered who the fuck was watching her. Yeah. It's a guy who's pretty high on weed. Well, at least you're not drinking her water. No. [LAUGHTER] And it's amazing. Almost seems like it'd be a good job for somebody that's on Adderall that can't sleep all night. Hang out with the dogs. And what's the craziest thing that's ever happened while you're responsible for these dogs? I mean, it takes a lot of trust from people. It's generally the craziest thing that's ever going to happen is fights. And it's like a monthly maybe kind of a thing. It just happened like maybe a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, well, we're the breeds. We're the-- Hit the worm rider. Worm rider. and the other one is a Pyrenees. But the worm rider and the Pyrenees, they just can't be in the same yard. This isn't a fun thing necessarily, but some dipshit let the worm rider and the Pyrenees into the same yard, and they go for each other. Were you the dipshit? No, no, I was not, I was not the dipshit, no. Hey Tim, yo. You ever jerk off at work? (audience laughs) There you go. Hey man. You gotta be overnight, man. Yeah, they're all night long. Right? Not in front of the dog. No. No. That would be like a ceremony for a commercial. You gotta go take that to the bathroom. Demandness has decided that the room has gotten straight enough for him to come back in. That's fair, that's fair. Dude, I think you're pretty hilarious, man. I appreciate that, thank you. Very fun. Yeah, you're very fun. Thank you very much. Do you write jokes with the dogs? Do you like, is that? No, not often. You run it, run it by them. (audience laughs) Every now and again, I'll drop it by one of the parents when they drop off. I'm like, "You ever jerk off? Well, you're at work?" And I. (audience laughs) I love it. Tim, how's your butt life going? Good, I just got married this month? Oh wow, congratulations. A month ago, a month ago, a day actually. Wow. No, I would say by your glasses, you got married to seven women at the same time. (laughs) Who is this lovely lady? Lovely lady named Emily, works at Amazon. Nice. What is she, Picanise? What is she? No, I promise you, she is Southern Swamp Trash. She is. I love it. Where'd you meet her at? I tend to. Nice. How'd the first day go? What was that like? You went to her place? She came to yours. You went to. I went to her place. I just moved here and was living in the car still at the time. Nice. And you went to her place and you guys just started banging. Absolutely, yeah. It was a pretty tight love bombing situation, but I got a house. How long ago was that? I got a house. I got a house. Hell yeah. That's a big upgrade. Car to house. Yep. Went from a Chevy Spark to a two-door bedroom. You know? A two-bedroom apartment, my apologies. Hell yeah. Now do you guys have a dog? Like a personal dog? Yeah, I have a dog. What kind of dog is your dog? I have a little rat terrier. Her name is Tudor. Okay. All right. How long have you had her? Year and a half? Was so that was before? No, I got the dog together. Got it. They're all right. Cool. Well, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. There you go. I'd love to be there. Bell. You got a real gig out of it. There's a big joke about the bell. Thank you, man. I'm going to go-- I'm going to go jerk off at work on Wednesday. Think of it. Hell yeah. Tim, good job, dude. Thank you very much. Have a good night later. Tim Hill. Look up a Riley Read Bush. Yes. All right. Back to the bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody. Here comes the Marvin Izzy. What's up, y'all? Oh, man. So when I moved here a year ago to Austin, people started me to like watch out for snakes and stuff. But I got a buddy that's a professional snake handler. And his advice to me was that if they're round-eyed and on venomous, but if they owe who are, they're venomous. And I looked at him and was like, that's some useless ass information, bro. Because if I see a snake, the last thing I'm going to do is going to be like, hold on a second. What shape of your eyes? Let me see. Like, you American or Asian? Which one are you? You know? I'm a very anti-social person. Really am anti-social. And I'm bilingual, too. So that means I speak two languages to nobody. Like Spanish people come up to me asking for directions, and I just walk away. Like, I don't speak Spanish, bro, you know what I mean? Then why people come up to me asking for directions? I'll be like, this is cool for you, senor. You're no uploading less, you know? That's you don't work when they speak both languages, though. This one guy came up to me and was like, excuse me. How about I get to Sixth Street? I was like, no, I'm blowing less. He's like, put a miso senor. Como yego, akaya seis. I got mad as hell. Man, I started answering them in sign languages and shit. I sent them the wrong direction, man. That's my time. Thank you. Marvin, is he? Marvin, how long you been on stand up? 16 years. 16 years. All of it in San Antonio. [LAUGHTER] Now, starting New York, then about 10 years in Orlando, and then I moved here last year. OK. What made you move to Orlando? It was supposed to be for family. Like my dad passed away, and my family was like, hey, you haven't really got much family in New York. Come over here to Florida. And then I went to Florida, and they all went back to New York. So I was like, well, fuck that. So I moved to Austin instead. Yeah. Fuck that shit. What up, Big J? Good to see you, though. Good to see you, too, man. Good job. Thank you. Thank you. I'm vamping. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] What do you do for work? I work at a tech company just handling inventory and stuff. And then on the weekends and shit, I'm a Black Jack dealer for this casino company that just does like casino experiences for corporate events. Yeah. How much money are you making about ballpark per week? At the casino where I work? All a bit overall, just everything. But like, $2400 maybe? OK, it's pretty good. What's your living situation? Live with my wife, my mother-in-law, two dogs. Oh, shit. Shit. [LAUGHTER] Wow. How long you been with the wife? Nine-seeing years? 19 years with this guy to keep her mom. Yeah. Wow. Is mom just a nuisance? Nah. She's actually really helpful in the house, like, you know, someone's cleaning up after us. Hell yeah. No kids. I got a daughter, but she, like, 23-year-old college graduate growing and all, you know? So, yeah, it's just me, my wife, and my Roomba. Yeah. And your wife is the baby mama? Nah. She's the Roomba. [LAUGHTER] Wow. You have a lot of interesting shit to write about, dude. The corporate Black Jack dealer, there's got to be a shitload of material there. Yeah, I did a fat party, like, two weeks ago. And his drunk girl just went up to the table. It was, like, hit me, but it was all out. Wait. You punched in the face? I wish this were. Well, I punched in the tape. Nah. [LAUGHTER] Hell yeah, dude. You got a lot of good stuff in your life to write about, dude. Thank you. I love it. I mean, I'm still-- Give us a crazy fun fact that we would be surprised to know about you, Marvin. I used to be at Jehovah's Witness. And again? How did you end up being at Jehovah's Witness? Nobody wanted a babysit me when I was a kid. So my mother had to take me with her. And then I was pretty much forced into it for, like, five years. Could you imagine how bad it would be if Ring Video Doorbell existed when a little Mexican kid came to everybody's door? You would've been on a fucking wanted poster. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Let alone, this was in Bronx, New York. So just-- Yeah, I'm just in the project. So you want to learn about the watch tower and just ignore me or just threaten me. That's good. Craziest thing that happened while you were at Jehovah's Witness. Nothing really, man. You just showed up to people's doors. And I was like, yeah, tell me more, Marvin. Yeah, but I looked up the other way. Somebody did say, come on in and tell me about it. And I looked up the other witnesses. And I was like, what do you got to say after this part? And they looked at me, was like, I don't know. We've never made it this far. Like, wing it. Like, see that? Did you do the whole-- no, no Halloween, no birthdays, no Christmas, right? Nothing. No. Did they just allow blood donations now? And I'm like, well, too bad for every fucking body else that just died from your stupid co-polish. Like, are you angry about the Jehovah's Witness thing? At a sense kind of wasted my youth, you know what I mean? Friends of having out, going out party and having fun and shit. And I had to go to like Bible studies on a Thursday, Friday, night, like, that's just terrible. That is terrible. Yeah. I'm sorry. I brought it up. Did you guys ever do some gypsy shit? We're like, they're talking about Jesus and you sneak around back and like steal their food and look at their daughters. No, it's just pretty much trying to get everybody to convert and stuff. Like, they'll just be like, hey, you know, they have their belief in Jesus and everything. And we're like, hey, you believe in Jesus. Wait till this guy tell you about named Jehovah. What is it? The thing also. Is that how you did it? Well, that's how they would do it sometimes. Yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong about this. Isn't Jehovah's Witness the Ideas? You're going to tell people world's going to end. There's going to be heaven on earth and everyone else is going to burn. And I'm just letting you know. And then the people go like, get the fuck off my doorstep. You go, all right, fucking fuck face. I tried to warn you. And you'd leave you like a shit. More or less something. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I don't know religions. Go ahead, ask me about Muslim shit. Go on. Marvin, I like your style. This was just okay, but I'm telling you, you're a funny guy. I can feel it. There's something in there. Here's a big joke, buddy. He wrote. I have a special treat for everyone right now. We have a brand new regular on this show that I could not be more excited about. I mean, this guy is just a freak of nature. or you guys are in for a special treat. This is his, oh, there's Heidi, everybody. There you go. This is his first time doing a set as the newest regular on Kill Tony. Last week he was made a regular. You guys are really the first people to see him do a regular spot. This is a brand new minute from our newest regular, the great Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Hey, if you got a big dick, say I'm a Chinese retard. (audience laughing) That don't hear ya. I'm gonna be honest with you folks, I can't find the clit. I can't find it. I say find it 'cause ladies don't help by the way, huh? It's supposed to help. And just so you know ladies, this is what you fucking crazy little pussy look like anyways, hold on. Give me a second, I'm gonna work my way here. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) So you seek to pleasure this woman. Well first you must pass my trial and find me between the phones. (audience laughing) Be wary dear boy. For if you fail, she will tell all her friends. Woo! Am I over here? Perhaps I'm over here. Getting colder. Getting drier. Go dry. Hey play, you went too far, you went to the butthole now, man, come on now. (audience laughing) Come on big dog, your number dude, who's down here, baby? (audience laughing) All right, wait. You guys pretty cool something to do one last one. This is what Asian pussy look like. (audience laughing) You must also my reader if you seek to pleasure this woman. If you wanna put your little dragon in a fortune cookie. (audience laughing) Damn. (audience cheering) All right. Miles Johnson ladies and gentlemen, unbelievably fantastic. Red bands gonna go check on that upload real quick. That's not happening by the way. I found out 10 minutes ago, you'll keep that there. I can do this 60 seconds thing. There's just 1.5 million unhappy people right now waiting on tonight's episode live. This is a real live show. How about a hand for red, man, it's a stressful night. You good guy, man. He doesn't understand that YouTube's having an issue, right? Literally, YouTube's not having an issue. You uploaded the wrong episode and then you half uploaded the new one. But since you wanted to say that, there you go. 'Cause I have it here, YouTube is up and functioning normally A.I. says, including with uploading. Now YouTube messed up Tony, leave him alone. (laughing) It's, it's broken. Miles, how's life going? You're the newest regular, fantastic set. Thank you. (audience cheering) Oh, sorry, I forgot to answer the question. Life is going very well. (laughing) This is your guys' first time seeing Miles Johnson. Big J, what do you think? That was bad shit. I didn't know what to express my first time seeing you. That was hilarious. But man, I was like a black Robin William. It was like all over the place. That was so fucking, it was so fun. So different, unique, absolutely hilarious. Hey, I was trying to, I was trying to do more, trying to do more stuff. (laughing) You guys don't fucking get me. (laughing) Miles is a wild beast, a writer, a creator, and he has a plethora of unbelievable outside of the box stuff that he's going to be dishing out every week on the show. He's our newest regular, Zach Brown, what do you think of Miles Johnson? You saved us, thank you. (laughing) And you saved me. You're using chicken fried, guy. (audience laughing) I like it like that. (audience applauding) Right. Yeah. Come on, man. That's chicken fried, man. Cold beer on a fried, ain't that? (audience laughing) Hey, how'd you trick everybody into having your name as the band's name? (audience laughing) There was a, she, this is old, but there was a band, another guy that had Zach Brown on my space. And I couldn't take it because they kept sending his songs out. And occasionally this guy has made a zillion dollars now just like having the same first name so people type in in his songs come up. So, but yeah, that's how it happened. So I had to add band to it. (audience laughing) Also, it was just going to be Zach Brown. Yeah. (audience laughing) It was going to be worse. (audience laughing) I'm Zach Brown on the shitheads. You guys are all Zach Brown now. (audience laughing) You guys are all Zach Brown's team. We're the Zach Brown's. That's fire, dude. Miles, you're the newest regular. You're a writing phenom. Give us a little tidbit of your normal life. Just tell us something about you. A little something that we'd be surprised to know. Something surprising about me. You're the rare black with purple hair. How'd you end up with that? I died it. Oh. (audience laughing) Hell yeah. Now I started to be disruptive. And then I did it and I got to be a kill 20 regular. So it was actually kind of good, right? Sick. A little bit about me, man. Can I tell you about my Halloween? Oh yeah, definitely, please do. I tell you about my Halloween tuning. That's it. In audience, I'll tell you. It's Halloween. I took a chance and I decided to dress as a gay guy. Did I dress as a gay guy for Halloween? Thanks for letting me burrow those clothes, man. (laughing) Sorry, sorry. No, life is good. Yeah, I love it. Miles, you are just fantastic. I'm excited about the future. Another great set. Your first one officially is a regular. Make some noise for the great Miles Johnson, everybody. (audience applauding) Here we go, one and a half. (audience applauding) All right, I have a bucket pool here. I got a little sound board. I think we're gonna be just fine, everybody. Yeah, we got it. Got the lovely Heidi. This, number earlier, when I said this should be interesting 'cause it has crazy handwriting. This one has really crazy handwriting. You can barely read it, but I'm pretty sure it says it. Make some noise for I-Hop, everybody. (audience applauding) Perhaps Thop? I-Thop? Oh, oh, oh, I got it. All right. (audience applauding) What's up, Guiltown? Yeah! (audience cheering) My friends call me I-Hop, and I don't get it. I'm a fucking waffle house guy. (audience laughing) I had a girl outside come up, you said, "You look like Brad Pitt." Or, "No, aren't Pitt." Yeah, she said, "You look like an armpit." (audience laughing) I'm loving Austin, man. The speed limit here is 85 miles an hour in some places. I'm like, "Fuck yeah, I'm down for the race, man." I used to do the racing back in my day, but not without a mobile, it's a different kind of racing. You know? (whooshing sound) Hell yeah, fucking A, man. You know, I did. I lost my leg in a bike rack after the accident. I did a lot of drinking and drugs. Then people want to tell you, "Hey, you need to slow down and maybe go to A.A." I can't go to fucking A.A. That's a 12-step program, and I don't do steps. (audience applauding) Fuck, I had to hop up three flights just getting this motherfucker. (audience laughing) The last thing you need to know about me is, I love me some stanky punsy boy. (audience laughing) You know, that kind of pussy makes your dick want to come up for air. (whooshing sound) Hey, am I out giving it up for Kilt Donny? Oh, my hop. I hop has arrived at the Kilt Donny universe. Just when you think you've seen it all. Hell yeah, welcome, buddy. Hey, man. I mean, you got something coming. Uh-uh. What? (whooshing sound) Wow. Please tell me. What if you're asking about what? Oh, my God. Your birthday's June A's, right? Yeah. You were born on June A's. I died four times on June A. Wow, tell us about that. Not if I'd been my chair. -Oh, here we go. -I'll get fucking home, man. -I hope it's a recliner. I hope it's just a giant -- -Okay, here we go. Make some noise for me. Hell yeah. -I hope it has all merch already. -Yeah, great. -He's covered in "You Have an I-Hop Hat" and an "I-Hop" shirt. -Fuckin' A, dude. That's what I do. -Hell yeah. Looks like you're on panel. -I-Hop banned, eventually. Right? They're gonna get sued, like, Zach Brandt. -I got hit on my motorcycle on June 8th. -I don't know how to answer this, but why choose to hold the mic in the do farm? -Uh. -Guess I need to stress with balls, you know. -Fair. Let's make sense. It does make sense. You're more mobile with the other. It was a legit question. -I love it. So, "I-Hop." Here we go. What year, June 8th, was this accident? -I was 1996, June 8th. -1996. Wow. I was -- -Got it. 70WI's got a 6-1 a month before he hit me. -Hold on, say that and then see that another microphone. -The guy at 70WI's got his 6-1 a month before he hit me. -God damn it. Where was this at? -Binniapolis. -Wow. Minniapolis. -Yeah. -Damn. Everything you say sounds like a football play. [ Laughter ] -It's a fucking wild story. -Why don't play football, but you should see me with a soccer ball, man. -Oh, yeah, dude. I bet. -So, you're out there riding your motorcycle, June 8th, 1996. And what -- how hard -- what happened? Head on? -Yeah. The guy got on the wrong side of the interstate was going the wrong way. He hit me head on. So, I took out a Ford S-court. -He was in a Ford S-court. -Yeah, and I was on a motorcycle. -So, he wasn't worth suing? -No, he wasn't worth suing, dude. -So, take us through the Ford deaths. -Yeah, I know there's a joke in here somewhere, but I just don't know how to word it yet. You know how people have that life after death experience? -Uh-huh. -So, they said I died on the table four times. They brought me back every time. So, while I was in a coma, my life after death experience was this long hallway, right? And there was a bunch of doors on each side of the hallway. And I don't know if you remember the cartoon Popeye, the sailor? -Yeah. -Remember Alice DeGune? -Yeah. -Each door in this hallway had a fucking Alice DeGune at the door. Like, one eye here, one eye here. Maybe the nose was over here. They were all fucked up. And they were trying to pull me in these doors. But I focused -- I focused on that light at the end of the tunnel. And there was two glass doors. I got them doors and I was shitting. But the minute I opened them and stepped through to the light, Goddamn if I was in a fucking lobby of a mobile gas station. -Let me just update all of you. You might notice that the band has been behind me dying a blaster for the last two and a half minutes. I finally turned around and said, "What the fuck could possibly be so funny that you guys are laughing like that?" And it turns out that Mike Gonzales, in his band-only microphone -- they all have in ears -- said that you are built like a foosball player. And all of a sudden, I realize the band is correct and it must be shared with the audience. Michael Gonzales, silently, with what is most likely the joke of the night. That's your Lucy Breakers joke of the night. Silent but deadly, Michael Gonzales -- wow! I mean, incredible world. -Yeah, if you met four other use and you all held a -- [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -I'm sorry about that, dude. Anyway, you were saying God sent you back. [ Laughter ] God sent you back because there was a new season of "Sons of Anarchy" coming. [ Laughter ] So I hopped. This is incredible. -About 10 years. -Okay. And you must love it. It must be a great outlet for you. -It is very therapeutic, man. Yeah. -Where you been doing it? Are you still in Minneapolis? -Fuck no, I got out of this shit hole. -Where are you at now? -Uh, I was in Georgia, but now I'm in fucking Austin! -I love it. -How long have you been in Austin? -About a month. -Okay. I love it. [ Laughter ] -It didn't seem like there was more roots, but, sure, yeah. -It's tough. Hopping a skip from Georgia? -Fuckin' gettin' around, bro. -I love it. -He's got the best energy in the world. -It's incredible. -Every now and then. -Hell, yeah. So you woke up and what were the -- they took your leg, that had to go, and your arms kind of fucked up. -Yeah, my arms all fucked up. -What else? -Well, in my spare time, I like to fucking get tattooed and scare the fuck out of kids. -Oh, how do you scare the kids? -Oh, you'll be amazed when you wheel up to him and jump the fuck out of your chair and grab up the leg. -Oh, yeah. -Oh, you're right. Wait, how have you grabbed him by the way? -I have your scare in the hell out of me. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I love it. I hopped. Take us back to what life was like before June 8, 1996. What were you doing? -I was a drummer. And I delivered office furniture. -Oh, fuck, dude. This is worse than death leopard. -Yeah. He's gonna get revenge, Mr. Fuzball. Wouldn't that be something if he was the first ever Mexican drum off winner? He'd be the new drummer on Kiltoni, and we'd have to cut off one of Michael's legs. But you don't play the drums anymore. That right? Our main having it, right? -I don't, bro. -That's a shame. What else were you doing? -Delivering office furniture, and that's about -- -And now you're on, like, disability or something, right? -Fuck no, man. He said, "I didn't qualify for disability." -What? What the fuck? -What the fuck? -Let's cut off your other legs. See what they have to say about that. -What the fuck? -What do they got to find? -No. -Torso floating in an ocean before they give you money? [ Laughter ] -That's crazy. -What is it? -Can I just say I'm glad nobody fucking heckled me because the last time I did a show in Austin, a guy had the nerve to heckled me, and he's still roaming this city with my right foot up his ass. -Wow. I love it. -Let's talk about this love of Stanky Pussy. -Stanky Pussy! -What do you -- What is it about Stanky Pussy that you love so much? -It's mighty tasty. -You really do like Stanky Pussy. -Oh, bro. -You're kidding. -I'm kidding. -Keep broken. -All right. I love great pussy like everybody. -It's got two legs. -It's got two legs. [ Laughter ] -We blows on his thumb and another leg just unrolls. [ Laughter ] -That would be awesome. He goes, "Fuck, y'all." -I've been night hopped. -Yeah. I live in Boston, you fucking cocksack ass. [ Laughter ] -Wow. -So do you like pull the panties down to the floor and they're still pussy in them? -Fuck, yeah, man. You know the kind you throw at the wall, they stick? -Wow. Like pasta when it's done correctly. -I hopped. -That's why he moves here, because that's not domestic violence here. -When's the last time you were with a woman, I hopped. -Oh, shit. It's been a while, man. It's been a while, you know? I lost my leg, but the ladies make me feel like it was my dick. -Oh. -Your dick survived, though, right? -Yeah. -It still works and everything. -Oh, fuck them. -Does it get harder because you don't have blood going to that leg? Did you notice that it gets a little bit harder now? Or am I. -Oh, man, you bust out the vac, you man. Shucks, I blood right up. -Okay. [ Laughter ] That's not what I asked at all. -Foop. -I think we can get him laid tonight if he wasn't so goddamn terrifying. -Is it-- -Is it easier or harder to sit on your nuts? -Good, Tom, let's not even talk about that, man. I've done that so many goddamn times, man. -Fuck. -Okay. -I hop. -What are your hobbies now? What do you do for fun nowadays? -Well, when it comes to work, and I really ain't worth shit when it comes to the manual labor. So, basically, I'm just. You know, they said I didn't qualify for disability, so I'm like, "Well, fuck the government." And, um, I'm just fucking going from town to town, fucking living the dream, you know? -How do you survive? How do you survive? -How do you survive? -How do you think about maybe being, like, a. -Survival. -I've learned how to live. -What? -What's that, King? -Well, it said I didn't hear it. -I still be thought about maybe being a stick that holds a window open? -No, but I thought about dressing up like a lamp from the fucking Christmas. -Yeah. -Oh, that would have been great. -Absolutely, dude. -That would have been great. People would have been like, "Why is that lamp sitting in a chair?" -This. -I'm sitting out in front of fucking Shakespeare's son, Halloween. -Uh-huh. -With me and my dog, just sitting there, fucking people watching. -Uh-huh. -And I'll be damned if two different fucking people want to come up and hand me money. Like, I'm some homeless fucker. -Oh. -I really got to change my look. -No. What's your dog's name, Leg? -No, Popeye. You want to bring him out here real quick? -Yeah, where's Popeye? -Oh. -Let's bring out Popeye. Steve, you got Popeye? -Come on in. -Oh! -Oh, look at that. -Popeye. -Popeye. -Why is that dog's mouth covered in peanut butter? -Popeye's got a favorite. to eat pussy. -Wow. -Thank pussy. -I love it. I have a Frenchie, too. How long have you had that guy? -I had his dad before him, and then I've had him for two years. -You keep him in the head with him. -Two years. -Please stop. -Nice. And you had his dad. So, like, you had his dad fucking other dog? -Yeah, I had his dad fucking other dog, and then his dad died right afterwards. So, pussy, kill him. -How soon after? -How soon? -Yeah, I'll see some stankiest dog pussy. -Oh, yeah. -This is the craziest show ever. How soon after he fucked the mom, did he die, the dad? -Well, the dad was 15 months old and died like a month after he got that pussy. -Wow. -So, I don't know if God intervened and set me up with Popeye Jr. -Yeah. -But, you know, man, I need him more than he needs me, man, to be honest with you. -I love that. -I get it, man. I get it. A good dog goes a long way. -I'm imagining the tracks in the sand on the beach when him and his dog are walking down. -Where there's somebody being like, "What the fuck was that?" -Yeah. -Papa, show me your winner. Show me your winner. -I was the only one weird set of footprints in the sand. -Yeah. -That's when I abandoned you, son. -Where there's one set. -Six, whatever. -One set of footprints that was "I Hop." -I hop and pop out. -Have you ever thought about doing, like, motivational talks for people that lost legs? -Oh. -No, but I thought about donating shoes to people who lost legs. -Oh. -Yo, this dog's ball bag is incredible. -Fuckin' huge, huh? -Yeah, dude. Dude's got enough size of fuckin' pithel jars. -Oh, shit. -Yeah, I guess that. -That's an unsettling description. -I would've said plums, but I'm pretty sure his dad is African-American. Have you seen the dick on this motherfucker? -I hop. Let me ask you a question, 'cause it sounds like you haven't. It sounds like you haven't kissed a girl since being in Austin, Texas. Am I correct? -Oh, I haven't kissed a girl in a while, no? -Is there a girl out there? You know, we have the best fans here on Keltony. -Is there a woman out there that wants to come up and give this guy his first Austin kiss? -Back there. -That's a guy back there, 'cause being an asshole. -No, homie don't play it, crying again. -Is there a woman out there that wants to be a hero tonight and make the crowd go wild? And, uh. -Okey-dokey. Well, we tried. There goes the lights. It's like you. Looks like Popeye's gonna be working overtime tonight. -That dog loves you so much. It just keeps looking up at you. -It's so awesome. -None of you bitches will kiss him in front of his dog. -Wow. -My friend, I. Or. Yeah, I. I almost called you Popeye. Here's a big joke, book, my friend. You are super cool. Great energy. Great story. I love your style, I hope. Sign up again. Come back. -Hey, you know, I've never heard anybody get up here and thank you for putting on a show like this sort of platform like this for people like me and all the comics you get out of here. But fucking power to you, brother. -Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. -Oh. -This guy must have never heard from every other cripple in Austin, Texas. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -It is true. I don't get enough credit. The most disabled of them all are red band currently uploading tonight's episodes since he left his house without completing the upload. And an unbelievably historical night. He's like, "Oh, that'll be enough. I'll hit the star button." And then left. But he swears YouTube for the first time ever is having uploading problems. Literally checked it. Not a thing. Anyway, back to the show we go. Makes my story next bucketful. It's Gary Gia, everybody. Here comes Gary Gia. [ Cheers and applause ] -I feel bad, like, that's who can have my Medicaid. I do not fucking need it that bad, you know. [ Laughter ] Man, I have some wild things. Wild events happen in my life recently. I just found out I have a sister. It turns out she's pretty hot. [ Laughter ] Right, dude. I'm just joking for the record. I don't think my sister's hot, dude. I prefer the term. [ Buzzer ] [ Laughter ] But that also means I got a nephew. Not hot. That's gross. We're related. Right. I go over to his birthday party. I don't have no idea what to get to kids. So I get in one of those kazoo's, you know, musical instrument and go, "Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo." He's like, "What's this?" And I go, "Bro, practice for your breathalyzer." [ Laughter ] So my sister got him a race car bed, so I just duct tape it to the steering wheel. [ Laughter ] Call it baby's first probation. [ Laughter ] Kids trying to rub it in my face. I was like, dude, you can't impress Uncle Gary. Uncle Gary sleeps in an actual car. [ Laughter ] That's my time. There you go, Gary, gee, everybody. Hi, Gary. Hi, Tony. Unbelievable. How long you been on stand-up, Gary? About six years. Oh, my God, we're at Gary. I am from Denver, Colorado. Oh, my God. And you do it. How many times a week for six years? Like, once, twice? Yeah, maybe about two, three times. Okay. What do you do for a living? I am a server bartender. Okay. How old are you? 41. Okay, you have a girlfriend, wife? Uh, no, I live in my car. It's hard to take girls home. Okay. How long have you lived in Austin? You still in Denver? No, I just came out here about two weeks ago. Okay. I'll be out here for probably four or five months. What kind of car do you have? Toyota Camry. Toyota Camry wouldn't now take us through it, because a lot of people don't know what living in your car is like. Where are you parking at at night? What's the situation? You got the old gym membership thing? Oh, yeah, Planet Fitness all day. Okay, absolutely. Take us through a safe place. Where have you found a parking? You've been here two weeks. I go out to, uh, Lake Travis. A little bit. I get out, you know, and drive outside of the city. And my fuckers don't mess with me. And I like to wake up to, you know, some water and just some peace and quiet. That's nice. Uh, or close to a Planet Fitness. In case I have to poop. Okay. Planet Fitness has to start judging. Yeah, they have to check the cars for blankets and pillows. So Gary, how long you been living in your car? Two weeks. Right. So in Denver, you had a place. Yes. Correct. Okay. And how long are you planning on, uh, sticking it out in the car? Just forever. It's amazing. I didn't think I was going to like it. And I friggin love it. It is a simple life. Yeah. Um, that's fucking crazy. Yeah. It's great. Now you're in the back seat. You sleep in the fetal position. Probably whether you're in a better, not anyway, right? Yeah. I don't need, I'm not that big. I don't need a lot of space. Right. You know, but I put down the back seat. You know, I got some, some sleeping bags laid out there. Do you already have a server slash bartender job here in Austin? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It's like my third season. So I hit them up. So anytime I'm back in town, I'm ready to go. And I'm, you know, I'm lined up with work. I make good money. But it's like, okay. I'm just stacking as much money as I can right now. What's the longest dress that you've stayed awake? The longest time I've been awake? Do I still have like, meth eyes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm dead sober then. Maybe I did like a four day bender one time. Wow. On F. Yeah. I'm going to tell you, you might have just been a victim of the fainted line up here. I think your major problem, comedically, is that you have two legs. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm going there. You're throwing around with your two fucking legs, like some big dick ass hole. Yeah. Well, I hop still fucking stuck between the walls on the stairwell going down the back stair. That is true. I have no idea. Like I'm doing it. I'm doomed. There's nowhere I'm following this guy right now. So when you were on meth, what's the craziest moment you ever had? Like, you know, some people think there's like bugs under the floor or whatever. What's like yours? I've only done it a couple times. But the first time I did it, I had a threesome with two chicks. And I was like, this is incredible. Yeah. So, and then the next time it was not fun. Well, you got to keep trying it. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I'll try anything twice. And number two, I was like, I'm out. I'm out. But that threesome's always out there waiting, dude. Chase that dragon. That's it. How long you been sober for? Uh, from meth, like 10 years, maybe, I just, I messed up a couple of times. I still have a couple of drinks, but that's about it. I don't, I don't do anything hard. Got it. Any special skills or talents? A rap. Do you really? Yeah. Someone said this earlier and it turns out they didn't rap. No, no. People on the show, they can't rap. John D's give them the beat. Let's just get right into it. Kino single spotlight. Let's see what we have here. And then we're getting rid of them. It's Gary Gia. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Did that. I was born. I've been clinically insane. Man, I'm pretty excited to see the gaming footage of a famous cat from a brain like a mac and like a saying. Reps in my veins. I've always been fucked up, so I'm tough to buy, I've played, so I play something, he said it days off to days, watching plays, what's up, hey, hold up. Okay. Okay, warming up. All right, Gary. That visa a little bit. It is, Matt. D-Manus didn't like the fact that you said the N word in there seven times. I was quick, I'm sorry, D-Manus, you just noticed it here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's not deaf. Super hearing. Yeah, I did my best. Gary Gio, welcome to Austin, buddy. Here's a little joke book for you. No, get your book here again. We'll see you guys in a good run. Let's get one last bucket pull up here. Let's see what happens. It's been a full show. Make some noise for John Bechtle, everybody. Your final bucket pull of the night, John Bechtle. Do you all know how many people were celebrating their birthdays in the twin towers during 9/11? Six. Why don't we blame them? Think about it. If my shitty boss walked up to me on my birthday with a cupcake and said make a wish, what would you all wish for? I know what I wish for. I'd be like, man, I wish this place burns to the ground with everyone in it. I used to live next to the Korean Baptist church. I walked in 50-foot statue of dense Rodman. They weren't Southern Korean Baptists. They were Northern Korean Baptists. I used to date the most golf girl in the world. Can I get how golf was she? She died. All those other golf girls are posers. They all talk about embracing the darkness. She did it permanently. Some irregular Erica Kirk up here. You think she's fucking JD Vance? Good for her. She needs someone to pick the kids up from pre-KKK. Oki-doki. Sean Bechtel. Hell yeah, dude. I love it. Good to see you again. I always love your look. You look like a comedian. You have the face of a comedian. I mean, we both haven't taken off our Halloween masks clearly. I don't know if I'm with you on that. Sean, remind us how long you've been on stand-up. Almost three years now. Three years? I work at a Italian restaurant. Oh, actually, you came into my work. I did? Yeah, like a while ago. Tony came into the gross restaurant that I used to work at. Really? It was a terrible restaurant. That you just said you still work there. Oh, this is my old restaurants. It was a gross restaurant. It was a really nasty restaurant. What's it called? It's a TLC by the Alma Draft House. It's not an Italian restaurant. No, that's what I'm not talking about my new job. Do you think we're fucking up? No, but no. TLC is a crazy seafood restaurant. Yeah, it is pretty crazy over there. Yeah, well, that's when you're in the mood for crazy seafood. That's where you go. I'm sure it's gross in the kitchen, but it's also seafood. So it's in water and stuff. There is. You did ask me for help, though. I did? Yeah. He asked me for help. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're the help. It's a fucker you talking about. What is going on here tonight? This was on my first day. I don't know what fucking day you're working there. Yeah. Was I supposed to know? Was you or something? Have you already been on the show? Well, yeah, you walked up to me. I hear, "Hey, buddy, how's it been?" Okay. So I was nice to you on your first day. You were great. You were great. Okay. What do you say that? Oh, he's fantastic customer. Man, this guy's definitely got a woman in town terrified of him. With eyes like that. Definitely. No, um, one. But you asked me for change. I asked you for change. Yeah. Okay. To play the claw machine. Correct. Yeah. I love claw machines. I've talked about this on the show, actually. These people know, I'm addicted to claw machines. Yeah. If there's a claw machine anywhere, I will play it. This guy spent most of the time over there just fucking playing the claw machine. Well, yeah, because it took a while for you guys to boil my fucking crably. It's a restaurant sucks, as I say. I really haven't been there in a while. Yeah. The last time I was there, it disappointed me. You're telling me, I walked in and they fired me. What Italian restaurant are you working at now? Um. Are you allowed to say? Yeah, but we'll see about that. But you walked up to me and asked me for change. Okay. You're going back to the story. Okay. Keep going. I've been doing this show for 13 and a half years. This never goes anywhere when someone tries to tell a personal Tony's story. But keep going. I got the change and then what? Well, this guy only cares around $2 bills. That's not true. But I'm sure I had twos on that day. On that day. Correct. Yeah. So I changed my twos into ones and then what? You just said you liked the $2 bills. I thought it was funny. I love it. I love it. This feels like a forced mediation. Yeah. It's one of the most famous things. And move on with your life. Yeah. $2 bills on that day. Okay. Does the Italian restaurant know you work there? Let's see after this. I just got hired today. This was like, I got hired today. Oh, my goodness. I feel like I should ask you for help or something. Again, I ran to you on the first day of my new job. And then you ran into me on the first day of your new job again today. Yeah. What are the odds? Is this what you ordered the interview? Yeah. Nice. It feels like wearing a fucking dream. Okay. All right, John. Wow. He's got a Canadian talk show host energy. Yeah, it's very wonky. Are you on, Adderall? Again, I can't. My doctor shouldn't know. You're what? My deck, yeah. You're what? Yes. Whoa. So, yes. Do you see what I'm talking about with this Adderall thing? Yeah. Anybody? I'm not really a conspiracy theorist. Timing. Oh, my. What are you like? Do you mind crazy? Or is that woman the devil? Look. Oh, no. The funniest conspiracy theory is this guy's CIA. That always makes me laugh. No, it's so stupid. Like, what? Like, you're like, this is a secret CIA thing that's happening. Correct. That is one of the conspiracy theories about your-- Yes, stupid operative. That's what some people have said from what I understand. Oh, that's awesome. And Rogan and the whole thing, which means that you guys are now-- Are the fraudulent jury in candidates. I'm the-- It also means since you're on this, you are. Yeah. Oh, it's 100%. Fucking rat us out. You're in the ladder, this black op. Yeah, of course, I'm the masterminds. You came in the launches. All right, John. Here's a big joke book, but actually, here's a medium joke book. John Bechtel. It matches your pants. There he goes, John Bechtel. Wow. [APPLAUSE] It's time to put a rip in on this episode, ladies and gentlemen. There's only one way to do it. We have a guy that every single week somehow absolutely dominates. I call him the anomaly. He is the real deal. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only this is Pat O'Neal, everybody. [APPLAUSE] Books! [APPLAUSE] There was a terrible tragic plane crash yesterday. Just wanted to wait a few seconds in case there's any Jews in here that want to start dancing. [APPLAUSE] Big election tomorrow, where's Democrats are calling it Taco Tuesday, OK? [APPLAUSE] And folks, if you don't want men in women's sports, then stop telling me I throw like a girl. [LAUGHTER] Ridiculous. I met a trans girl recently and after getting to know her for a bit, I was like, oh, wow, you're a smarter than you look. OK, used to be a guy and they're smarter than girls. That'll be it. Thank you. The great Pat O'Neal. Doing it again. Every single week, the set of the night. Nobody does it quite like the anomaly, the real deal, Pat O'Neal. Is it this episode started with Martin who had a bird on his shirt and closes with Pat who has a bird on his shirt? That is incredible. We didn't plan that. That is amazing. Bird to Bird facing two different directions. Yes, yes. Amazing. What are the odds of that? If you bet that on Kalshi. Yeah. You're a billionaire. We're late with tonight's episode not being uploaded. It is incredible. This is a historical night. So long. Yeah, it's been 13 and a half years. Never missed an upload. We had one late. This is the first time. -We've just not uploaded one. -Do you think he's upstairs lashing himself? -No, he's-- he's-- he's-- he's typing-- he's got uploading himself to a chandelier. -No, he would-- he would never-- unfortunately, he would never-- -Comedy show. Idiot. -Uh, this is my first time seeing him, Pat. Fucking hilarious, really. -Oh, thank you, Jeff. You've manned it, man. -Really me? -He's been, man. -Thank you, Zach. -I saw you on Survivor last year. -Yeah, yeah. -Shout out to Jeff Perips. -Zac can form me that he bought a brand new Pat O'Neil t-shirt. -Oh, no, I fucking-- hell yeah. -Yeah, about two of them, actually. And I was gonna wear it tonight, but I thought that's a little too much on the thing. But seeing you in person is actually more creepy and energetically amazing than watching you on YouTube, so-- -Thank you. So happy you're here. -It is true. Pat, I just-- I hope you're not married to the sleeves of those shirts. -Ah, yeah. It is true. Seeing the show in person is the move. And, uh, November 13th, 14th, Pat, and all of us. Kyltoni will be in Vegas and New Year's Eve here, of course, at the Moody Center. Pat, you are the fucking man. You're keeping the dream alive. You are the north star of the show. -Thank you both. -One more time for the great Pat O'Neil, everybody. Guys, make some noise for the great Big J. Okerson. Legion of Skang, Stankfest, BigJComedy.com. He's on tour everywhere. One more time for the great Zach Brown. Everybody is the new album, "Love and Fear" released in December at the sphere. Again, Kyltoni will do it with all the part in the "Love and Fear" tour, going everywhere, including November 11th at the Daytona National Speedway for the Veterans Day Classic, brought to you by Ford and NASCAR. One more time for the great Mike Fanoya, everybody. MikeFanoya.com, F-I-N-O-I-A, and follow him on social media at Mike Fanoya. All one word. Again, Vegas and the arena to close that New Year's Eve. The Vegas is November 13th, 14th. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Hey, it's the great Pat O'Neil. No doubt about that. One more time for the best St.Ban in all the land, led by John D's, D Madness, Matt Neolink, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Rao Obolejo. Five audience, we love you. Check out Red Band's secret show on Thursdays at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. And that's that. We love you guys. Good night, everybody! [Music]