#786 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + SAM TALLENT

Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? On The Drums, the human buttplug mat muleing on the electric guitar, the great John Bees on the keys and believe it or not live in the flesh, that is de-madness on the bass guitar ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit, what a crowd we have here tonight. You guys ready for some fucking fun or what? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible. Hey listeners, here's a little riddle for you. 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No wonder four out of five employees, employers who post on zipper cruder, get a qualified candidate first, like the first day. That's right. And I'm looking for someone to read as a co-host right now. But if you go to zipper cruder.com/killatoney to post your job for free, once again, that's zipper cruder.com/killatoney. Oh, and if you forgot where to go, don't worry. You'll hear another zipper cruder ad real soon. If you need to hire fast, post your job on zipper cruder in minutes. And we'll quickly find the best people for your job. We'll even show you the most interested candidates first so you can start talking to the right people faster. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes. Find the scene stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtoney.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters. Go to killtoneysupercast.com. All right. Back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week I book this thing, I'm going to be honest with you. Some weeks are better than others. How long? How many of you have been fans of the show for what you would consider a long time? Well, then you're in for a real treat. I mean, talk about an interesting mixture of two different types of all-time great guests. One of them known for absolute chaos, known for absolutely running off sometimes, known for leaving the show randomly, the only person to walk off multiple times, known for his accidental love of trans comedians. The other guests, highly considered one of the greatest guests in the show's history. Everybody loves them. We love both of them. They are indeed two of the best stand-up comedians in the world. I present to you one of the greatest mixtures I've ever booked in my entire life, makes some fucking noise for the great Sam Tallant and Don't-El-Rolling. The great Sam Tallant. Sam's new novel, Brute, is out September 22nd available for pre-order now. It's about a marine hitman in Paris killing a lot of people. So please, it's a violent sexual thriller. The great Don't-El-Rolling. I am so happy to be ranked the worst guest in the history of the Killtony Universe. I'll work years to get this title. And please, Juanita, if you're watching, I'm not going to fuck you. Say the fuck out of my deal, Juanita, we will, we will not fuck you. You have single-handedly made me allergic to everything white, Tony. White chocolate. I was watching JAWS the other day. I turned it because it was a great white shark. White is dead in my life. It was very easy to tell who you were introducing when you gave the intro. Well we looked the same, one dark version and one white version, which wins. And hey, it's a hole in the dark. You know what I mean? I absolutely love it. What the hell did I just miss? I don't know, Latinos bonding. They do that. They do that. And these are both at hilarities in Cleveland separately, Juanita's Black Knight. Yeah, you guys listening in a Northeast Northern Ohio know which one is for you. We're both urban acts. Yeah, yeah. People buy their tickets day of to my show as well. People don't show up to my show. I'll black you nigga! Donnell's also at the MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Of course he has the Donnell Rawlings show. SamTalent.com for tickets for him, Donnell Rawlings.com for tickets for him. That's how you know I have two great guests because it's their name and dot com. That's how you know nowadays. Some people are like go to my Instagram and click on my bio to get tickets. You guys are two of the most legendary guests in the show's history. You guys know how the show works. Just by pulling name out of this magical buck in which about 300 human beings signed up for tonight. They get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts their set. And then we talk about their set. We find out more about them. They go from being a stand-up comedian doing a minute to a guest on the largest live podcast in the world. Number one on YouTube right now. My goodness gracious. Number one on YouTube. I believe the second biggest video out is conspiracy videos about our podcast. So I'm pretty sure that we are just pretty much, yeah, we are in the graveyard. If you know what I mean, I really, really crazy times. I'm not. I never show up in those. It hurts my feelings. It's amazing. You need to swing by more. You need to get some of that sweet, sweet, peter, teal money that we're all getting. I love any money from anyone right now. There are two holes in my roof, please. Come to Holarities and Cleveland. All you have to do is Joe Rogan's podcast. We're all in the Illuminati. I've done it twice. Holarities, Cleveland, this weekend, plenty of tickets available. I'm going to let-- I'll be in the next week. I'll be there, bitchie. That's right. Hell yeah. If the roof is left on. I'll let this defensive coordinator who took a massive loss this weekend pick the first name. And while we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night, we have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain, the return of one of our favorites. Golden ticket liners of all time. It's been a while since he's been on this show. He just moved to Austin, Texas this week Originally from Japan He used to live last week. He lived in Toronto and he is the newest resident of Austin, Texas This is the long awaited return of Conscience Hello Hello Hi, I am Japanese. Japanese. I just moved here Yeah, I've been living here a while. I mean, I mean, I just moved here Trying to get culture to try and get used to the cultures here One of them is a bro culture. You guys want the bros? Yeah, they're confusing. I've been studying them Hey, and I found out the bros. They are so afraid to be seen as a gay person That's okay. But they also like to do some really gay stuff Because the other day good friend of mine. He's bro He texted me a picture of his bullsac And I was afraid What's his intention Then I thought about it. He's just trying to be a friend. You know, he just tested me if I can take a bullsac As a human So I was like respect respect. I got to do the same thing. Hey, so cream everything nothing Like a Hiroshima Picture a picture. Yeah, take a picture of my balls. Hey, also included a penis For surprise attack Pearl Harbor And I sent it to him. Send it to me and this bro ghosted me For like two days and I was like bro. What did I do wrong? And this bro told me a bible lesson. He told me bros balls is bro penis super gay What's the difference? It's the same company, you know to That's what I thank you very much You need to spend some more time here in Austin that accent gets thicker somehow every week Check in with the crew here. You sound like me doing an impression of a Japanese guy I'm racist as hell when you were in the back in a green room. I saw you had sushi back there and he was sitting beside me Yeah, he brought it. I just assumed he made his head I was like good job There was some time having a hard time sleeping on couches. Yeah, yeah, you're used to sleeping on bamboo mats We sleep in the floor I'm used to anything. I'm good. I'm good Were you talking about couches or were you saying culture? Culture culture culture. Oh, that's what I wrote it down. I wrote down culture And then I was gonna ask him I wrote down culture because I'm like what does that mean to culture? Maybe since he moved here he's crashing on couches. Oh, yeah, and then I realized halfway through you're trying to say the word culture Yeah, yeah, culture culture So which one of us was racist? Who's who's in trouble for this? Let me apologize in your language go min the sign Okay So a concite you moved to Austin, Texas this week I purposefully didn't talk with you in the green room about it tell us about this whole thing. Oh, yeah, so I got the I got the pizza here Yeah, yeah, you got the visa Look at that. Thank you, man. Yeah, it took so much time. That's what happens. Yeah, do it legally. Yeah Hannibal Haven't seen James McCann in a while Lot of a paper work and no one's better at paper work. That's right Fill out their forms. It's part of their culture What do you think he was saying? I want it. I'm just a crazy question But our slanted woman's vagina sideways. I mean our Asian women's vagina slanted it said way. Yeah, I've heard that rumor You've never you've never been with an Asian woman before don't know Even with an Asian person It's so abusive at this motherfucking table So concite here. You are in Austin, Texas. What's your living situation? I crush in my friends couch right now Say you are a coucher. You're a coucher with culture. Yeah Absolutely incredible So is your girlfriend still working at the ramen place in Toronto? Oh She moved to Australia. Oh long distance. Oh boy, that's counterculture It's a Okay, so how long has she been in Australia? She just moved there when It's like same time as me two days ago. Okay. Yeah, this is incredible Do you think it's gonna work for you guys her being in Australia around a bunch of crazy Offspring of former prisoners. I know and you here in Austin, Texas where even the threes are hot for some reason so hot. Yeah It is incredible so Austin, Texas. There's something in the barbecue here. Yes You're touching yourself right now. Just yeah Got a little Someone's got a little ramen in their hand. Huh, you know Zhao long bow. Oh my goodness You're gonna tary your yucky you keep pulling like that They're two fish balls two fish balls. Oh Row row row your boat All right, masturbation Masturbation very good master. You've been practiced. Yes. Yes. I do that all the time. Yeah So how do you think this is gonna work? You guys are just gonna face time all the time. Yeah face time Maybe like hopefully later on we can just you know have a Beetle sex why a little sex. Yeah, why you're Australia though? Why did she go to Australia? She doesn't have a visa here Oh, so she's gonna work there to save money. I don't know what she's gonna do. You must be horrible and bring it for a bitch to just go to another country Another Is it are you going to open things up maybe while you're long distance try and get some flesh pleasure I don't know the translation in Japanese fresh right. Yeah. It's a fresh stretch. Yeah, just same. Yeah I did I did I did went to Mexico, Tijuana. Ooh. Yeah $20 sucky sucky. Yeah wow look at that. We went from We went from shy and secretive to very revealing That's the prices after the war Wow. Yeah, Hansa Yusuda. Are you gonna miss your famous ramen place in Toronto? Look at the camera and say what is the name of that ramen place again? Yuku Shimen. Tondo ramen Very good. I understood that but as well as I understood half your sentence Ah, so this is incredible, Hansa. I welcome to Austin, Texas. Thank you. We are excited to see you More often welcome. Yes. Thank you. The newest resident to Austin, Texas You can plug whatever you want my friend. Go right ahead. I want to do it with a Tokyo Kampai boys Tokyo Kampai boys. It's a tour, you know with the Three Japanese people. He came here at Daisuke. Do you remember? Yeah, okay. What are you saying? Tokyo what? Tokyo Kampai boys. Kampai. Kampai? No Kampai. No Kampai. Especially not for you She can't Australian. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You guys are getting me in trouble man. Look at me trouble I already said $20 like he's lucky. I'm gonna be in a big trouble. I just got a full package. I Yeah Okay, right. Yeah, okay. How do you just have that sound? Oh, he has the wackiest soundboard of all time It's crazy over here. Yeah, I'm gonna talk your Kampai boys to it with a city Japanese guys. How do people find tickets instead of saying? Punch punch up live live slash Tokyo Kampai boys Good fucking luck finding that everybody Punch up Tokyo Kampai boys. Look it up. Come on. Yeah There he goes. Thank you guys. Thank you guys. Come on, say a pseudo ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness Now that is the golden tikka winner believe it or not even though I didn't understand half of what he said tonight That is one of our elite comedians. So imagine what this bucket's going to be like But it could be great. It could be great. This is what we find All of our fucking legends is right out of this bucket so it could be the next great genius It could be a psycho that didn't prepare anything can happen 60 seconds uninterrupted and then an interview for your first bucket Pull of the night. His name is Chad Ross everybody. Here we go Hello, hello, hey guys, so side about the Texas long ones win this weekend Can I get a number one team in the country hell. Yeah. All right, so I Think that everybody has went way too far with the whole health craze How many people are in support of that like for example? You there's organic everything. There's freaking organic pop tarts now like what the hell? It's ridiculous. So I'm at Sam's I go to Sam's and I'm looking to buy a giant thing a honey Okay, so I'm looking at these two things a honey. I'm like they have organic honey. I'm looking at it And I'm trying to sigh like is it worth the extra $3 to go organic? Freakin idiot what the hell is organic honey like it's bees. It's freaking bees Like what we have free range bees now. We play in-yam music for some bees like what the fuck what is What are they doing how do we have Organic honey like it's just liberal-ass Marketers trying to sell scrap we don't need all right chat Ross ladies and gentlemen here. We are Chad Welcome. How are you buddy? I like your style I think that was a rough minute, but I could tell there's something hilarious in there. Oh Man really was a rough. I feel like if me or Donnell said that word for word, he would have killed I think that is true. I feel like somebody finally beat me for the word worst guess on kill tone I was waiting for the host to catch a predator walking. He just got that This would you want some cookies? I'll be right back This would be a great place to escape to if you were being chased by predator catchers But now welcome Chad. This is your first time on the show correct. I would definitely first time first time ever performing in front of any audience Oh, it's so ever wow. How are you Chad? I am 46 what made you want to start comedy here today. Wife died. Well No, wait wait wife died and got away with it. Yeah She's very much alive. She has no idea. I'm here though Where did she think you are right now? I am playing in the World Series of poker event here in Austin, Texas. Wow So I I'm here for that, but did you get eliminated today? Not well Yesterday, but yeah, but So was your plan were you ever going to sign up for this? If you were still in it If you were still in the tournament, you wouldn't even be here, right? Right, right? Yeah I found out about kill Tony because a dog pokes little hell yeah Absolutely one of the so poker players in the world the number one ranked heads up player. Yeah, yeah, so He he did a bit on this and that like got me into Kultoni and I'm like I've been writing material for years. Do you have? I love it. I love it It's tough to know how what works and what doesn't when you haven't tried it before you added somewhat of an angle a lot better than a lot of people's first times I could tell you that at least you had an angle on it I have a lot of questions one. Why did you hit yourself so hard in the head? It was incredible how hard you hit yourself You don't need to do it that hard. I think it's more funny. I mean people were like genuinely concerned I mean it was a very hard hit. It wasn't like even a slap. It was like a true thought Yeah, do you feel okay? Are you okay after that? Yeah, no slight concussion, but I'm fine. Your ears are bleeding Yeah, well, I was the only one to give a fuck. I was like do it again. Do it again And after that said your wife still not gonna know you was here Chad what the hell here's my next question. What the hell is a Sam's oh My god, you don't know what a Sam's club is club. Oh Sam's club. Are you just said Sam's Sam's club is club? I mean who sells who says the whole we don't believe in Sam's club here. This is you're a cheap country ladies and gentlemen You got to learn the way you come out pandering. Oh the Texas long horns big win Anyway, it was a Sam's this week and I was trying to buy some fucking honey and These liberals give me you organic honey by the way if you see the honey supplied they have at H.E.B. They have round rock honey Wow Wow, absolutely incredible. Have you ever seen someone pander and it didn't work? That was kind of brutal But he's figuring it out. You're figuring it out here. So tell us what have you been doing your whole life up until this point You're a poker player. What are you an engineer mathematician type? No, I own a construction remodeling company granted and more in Frisco, Texas Frisco, Texas. Yeah, I live in Richardson, Texas, but yeah, that's where my company is Frisco, what's the name of the company? Gran it and more gran it and more. Let's look up some Yelp reviews for gran it and more This is a little segment on the show we call bad Yelp reviews everybody We'll see if you got it you better hope you got all five stars everything you you're very lucky because red band has no idea how to spell gran it ITE With an E after the tea And we do amazing work and I know what this says, but we do awesome work. So Everything on there is probably before I ever bought the company like by the way red bands spells more with two O's everybody No, I thought it was like a you know like a lawyer like Brandon more very good red band. Yeah for what a retard It's unbelievable every week you shock me This is incredible. He thought it was a paint company for granted Okay, remind us where is this company Richardson, Texas Frisco, Texas Frisco, Texas I can't believe you can't find it. It should be like oh, we're gonna find a buddy. Don't you worry again He literally does no idea how to spell any he had to pull up his VPN. Oh, oh, oh, no Oh, look at him look at Look at him eat his way over I turn around his head between me and don't know like oh shit Here we go find the find the reviews their red band Tap me when you're ready. I can see that one. It says okay. Here we go. Are you guys ready? This is one of our favorites It's bad yelp reviews only on Killtony. Now you are the business owner correct. Yes, here we go, buddy Paddy why says one star I am astounded by the utter lack of professionalism and organization at this So-called business my husband and I moved to Texas a few weeks ago. I am seven months pregnant and we are trying to start our family Todd the owner of granted. She got your name wrong. You go. It's a person. It's a previous owner. That's why I'm saying oh Yeah, yeah, how long ago did how long ago do you sell the company or get the company? I bought it the company in 2020 2020. Yeah, I got news for you This reviews from five years ago. So here we go All right, well, he's seen very nice He told me that my husband has been the best project manager blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, that's before my time I'm telling you okay. That's a review is you'll know they're his when they say the owner really hates organic honey Oh, it does say over five years ago. You know what you're right. Oh the guy before you oh five stars. That's you Woo, you know what it all turned around when you got it. He wrote his own goddamn review his name is on it I just wasted three goddamn minutes trying to find a bad review. Look how excited he is It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood for you. He's never done stand up or celebrated publicly before What the hell is that man It's incredible. You might be one of the whitest humans ever on this show. I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. Whoa Take it easy. Take it easy chat. Don't take it easy But too many Asians on this episode if that's the case So Chad tell us about your life other than poker and do you have any special skills or talents or anything You seem like the kind of guy that like cuts things out of magazines and like makes a different person out of the different eyebrows and eyes and things You don't look like that to me Here's a doll. It's like a guy behind his laptop. Like, oh I mean you were famously on the cover of every episode of mad magazine for years Now here you are For being on the comics to being a comic. Here he is. I am one of those guys that for their whole life Everyone's like Chad God both broke the mold with you like they always Somehow you saw Yisuda was easier to understand than you Broke the mold. Yeah, oh broke the mold broke the mold. Got it. Yeah, I need some water Okay, have some water. There's some jokes inside. I can't No, he's allergic Okay, so That's white trust right there. Yeah, absolutely. I'm pretty sure Chad's only people would have never done that shit Why do I yeah, I could tell from looking at him Chad's only been with one woman his whole life without a doubt He's not having reckless sex So you said broke the mold. Yeah, so I'm like a really unique guy so people always do that - People always tell me that they should have a TV show walk me around, you know, follow me around. - But why, tell us the details, now's your time to say it, you're on this show right now. - Chill out, let me talk. Donnell's on this episode of "A Little Kid Show" - It goes off the fucking rail. - Hey, I'll talk, you got to get to the point. - You don't have real friends. - Come on, tell us some fun facts about you. - Okay, I'm like a kind of crazy person, I love fun, people, I need details. - I'm trying to think of some details, like, I mean, what is-- - You were like, "Kill the hooker." - Okay. - What's crazy about you, Chad? - Let me give you an example. Okay, so I'm sitting at the poker table playing poker with these guys. - Okay. - And one of the dealers, like, knows me and thinks I'm, you know, knows I'm kind of weird or what. - Yes, sir. - Broke the mole. - So keep going, Chad, for the love of fucking goddess. - So, she goes, "Chad, I don't know why, but you remind me of smegel." - Smegel. - Smegel? - Right, smegel. - Lord of the Rings, that makes sense. - No, no, no, no. - No, you have the ears of smegel, she is correct. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you have the ears of smegel, she is correct. - The character, not the character, the why? - The historical figure? - No, like, like, dick cheese, do you know what it is? - Smegma. Smegma. Smegma. Smegma. - Yeah. - Smegma. - Sam, can you translate this for me, please? - Smegma, sorry, I forgot the name. - Smegma, and correct me, you're the expert, but. - No, I never heard the word before. - Smegma is like the. - It's like the body, like, stink, cheese, the collection, four skin. - Ah, got it, got it, I guess I should have gotten the red band for the disgusting. - I mean, you'd see boy! - Our cheap, disgusting chorus by. - I never heard the word, I'm like, what the hell is Smegma? Like, I never heard of it. - Of course. - And then, and then, so, I'm like, trying to figure out what the hell it is. And then, no one will tell me at the table, they all, like, won't tell me. - 'Cause you don't have friends! - No, because it was, you know, it was funny to, like, chat. - Yeah, you're 46 years old. - Guys, let me just take this short. - Dude, guys, I just need the floor for 20 sections. - Sure. - I'm gonna tell you something. You're 46 years old. I just asked you the craziest thing about you, your entire life, your history to drop from. And you told me that a fucking poker deal, or two days ago, told you that you remind them of Smegma. - I'm trying to. - Or whatever the fuck. This is crazy right now. - This is nuts! - What are you talking about? - Is that you up with the biggest, easiest. - I'm trying to get to a longer story. - Well, don't, don't get to a longer story. Keep it short, down now. - The funny thing is, he's a real poker player 'cause everybody's looking at you with the poker face. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? - Give us one fun fact about your life. Are you good at something? - Yeah, I'm like, really good at a lot of things. - That's not an answer. - You have to name a thing. - I know. - If you're clearly not that good at fucking poker, you drove seven hours from fucking nowhere land. - Hey. - Whoa. Whoa. Don't talk about Frisco like that. We have a Sam's Club. - You son of a bitch. - And this weekend Cleveland has a Sam's Club. - Oh, there it is. - I played saxophone, I was a finance major, saxophone major, graduated from Rice, the top of my class. - You graduated from Rice? Go play it! - Wow. - And here. - I drank the water. Are you gonna let him play? - Oh shit. That was close. That would have been great. You guys like spitting the thing, right? There's spits has something to do with this. - I have a finance background. I worked in finance for a long time. - Okay. All right, guys. I got it. Thank you. - But I'm very creative. I do a lot of writing. - Okay. All right. That's it. There you go. Here's a medium joke book. There you go. - Next time, think of these things before you come out. There goes Chad Ross, everybody. - I could tell he's coming back. I know a comeback story when I see one. - Donel just asked, where is Heidi? And there she is. The loveliest of them all. Getting this all fucking hydrated on a hot Texas day. The lovelie Heidi. - This is one-off juice for me, Tony. - Look at that. - Hello there. You know, anywhere worth going this summer is better in comfortable boots. And for me, that means Tacovas. Whenever I pull on my Tacovas, there's an instant boost of confidence. They really just look sharp and feel incredibly premium, whether I'm rocking them on a stage or heading out for a weekend road trip. What separates Tacovas from the rest is that every single pair is handcrafted using over 200 meticulous steps, giving you broken income for right out of the box. No brutal break in period here. Just instant all day comfort from classic cow hide to exotic ostrich. Oh, reminds me of someone I know. They have timeless silhouettes perfect for summer weddings, backyard barbecues, or outdoor festivals. I can wear my boots all day long on my feet without thinking twice. And that instant comfort makes me feel unstoppable, red band. 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I really, really, I usually watch True Crime, but I really love the Arnold Schwarzenegger one. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't realize how compatible we were. He loves cigars. I love cigars. He loves working out. I love working out. Boy, did I get into housekeeping at the wrong time in place. And then sometimes I'll see his adorable Guatemalan son on Instagram. Like, oh, me whole. Thank you. That's my time. Lluella Chavez. Welcome to the show. It's your first time here, correct? How long have you been on stand-up? Often on, more often on it, six years. I have to check in with Don Elroy. It's got to raise my hand. Did you hear her accent? Yeah. I have an accent? No, she said Arnold Schwarzenegger. She said. It wasn't Nager. It was she stuck to ER, son. I have to say, it did help me like memorize how to spell his name. Because the end, N-E-G-G-E-R. What ethnicity are you exactly, Lluella? I'm Mexican. 100% Mexican? Yeah. Wow. Okay. Okay. I'm surprised you're having trouble getting a job then. Have you tried zipper-cruiter? It's the promo code Killtony. You can get a job very easily. I'll try that next time. You said that you've had a lot of employers. Correct. What are we talking about? What is the number? Number 30. Why is it hard? Well, what's your body count? Okay. What type of job are you looking for? Something that I am good at. Like what? I have no idea. Here we are. I am currently working. What are you doing? I'm a cocktail server inside the Coliseum at Caesar's Palace. Okay. So I worked during the concerts. That's in Vegas? Yeah, correct. Wow. We're going to be in Vegas. We're actually doing a two-night residency at the MGM Grand. Absolutely incredible. By the way, Donnell will be at the MGM Grand Thanksgiving Day weekend. Look at us. So Lluella Chavez, you live in Vegas? Yes. What brought you to Austin, Texas this week? To try comedy. How long have you been doing comedy? Often on six years. Six years. And so, okay. More often on. We can tell. Thanks. So Lluella, what made you pick that minute? Six years of trying this. Is that your best material, you think? Oh, Jesus Christ. I'll take that. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. I could see why you're unemployable. So Lluella, are you born and raised in Vegas? No. How did you end up there? Well, I moved there. in 1999, San Jose, California. - What made you move there in '99? - 'Cause I was couch surfing. So in San Jose, California, and I moved out with family. - Why were you couch surfing in San Jose where you're born and raised? - I feel like porn always involved with this stuff. So is this your first time? - Okay, Louella, let's talk about it, 'cause maybe we could find you a job here today. Maybe it's humanly possible. - Are you good at granite? - Can you spell the word more? - No, seriously, that's been an issue up here. - More? - Yeah, yeah. - Do you have any special skills or talents at all? Is there something you're good at? - There must be something, come on. You could like darts? - Oh no. - Yo, yo. - I don't like those kinds of things. I don't like like cornhole and pickle ball and shit like that. - Okay, what do you like? - Oh, I like dancing and singing. I'm not very good at either. I have a couple of parodies on YouTube actually. - Sounds terrible. - I did it. - Sounds horrendous. I can't even imagine. But like, what are you good at? You just said singing and dancing, but I'm not good at those. That's what you said. - Oh yeah. - I'm trying to find out what you might be good at. There must be something that you're good at. - Ooh. - Ah. - Do you know how to code? Definitely not. - Anything, nothing at all. - This is a tough one. - She's primed to get sex traffic. I can fill in her future. (audience laughing) - I think that's hot. - I can get flued out. I can fill it. - Flued out. (audience laughing) - She might get flued out. - She might be traffic like a video story. I'm telling you. - She's a bad boy. - Oh my God. - That's actually got to Vegas from San Jose. - That's trying to put this together here. So what do you do for fun in Las Vegas? That's an easy question. You don't even have to be good at anything. What do you do for fun? - That's much easier. Yes, yes, yes. I love dancing and singing and smoking. - Oh God. All right. Here you go. There you go. I found a smaller one. Here's a little joke. There you go. Luella Chavez, everybody. On to the next one we go. I like singing and dancing. - I got my eyebrows at Costco. - I like dancing and singing and I like singing and dancing. I like dancing. I'm not good at it. I'm brushing my teeth. - I'm not good at it. She could have said that. - Yeah. - If she would have said that, that would have been hilarious. If I'm like, "Are you good at anything?" She's like brushing my teeth. That would have crushed. - I think that's all the English she knew. - On to the next one we go. You see, the bucket can be rough. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds. I'm interrupted from Mike Holloway, everybody. (upbeat music) - You ever notice that peanut allergies and abortions became popular around the same time? I think that peanut allergies are circumstantial evidence that God is cool with abortions. 'Cause somebody dying from a peanut allergy. It's a lot like God saying, "Hey, you know those abortions you like so much?" Missed one. (audience laughing) There's a certain segment of the LGBTQ CIA community that wants to accept pedophiles and they don't want people calling them pedophiles anymore. They want to rebrand them as maps, minor attracted persons. If you ask me, it's gonna bring a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Google Maps." (audience cheering) Google's gonna have to rebrand as Google No Chomo. All right. All right, Mike Holloway. Welcome back. Been a while. - Yes. - How long's it been? - About a year. - Okay. You've been signing up continuously. How come you haven't been on? 'Cause I haven't got pulled. There you go. So yes, got it. What do you do for work? - What do I do for work? I work at NADC burger. - Oh, nice. Heck yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? - About eight years, seven, eight years. - I started right before COVID and then COVID hit and so I had to take a year off and then-- - Got it. - Anything crazy happening in your life since the last time you've been on? It's been a year. - Anything interesting at all. - Not since the last time I've been on, but we didn't talk about it the last time I was like-- - Okay, go ahead. I did get arrested. - Ooh. - Was it for wearing that shirt at a middle school? - Oh my God. (laughing) - Damn, it beat me so bad. - Damn. - When he walked out that shirt, looked like, "Yaaah!" - Okay. - It's all penis star work, it's got it. - What did you get arrested for, Mike? - Assault with a deadly weapon? - Whoa! - It's not as bad as it sounds. - Tell us about it. - Okay, so I was, I had been here about two weeks and in Austin and I was door dashing and staying on a friend's couch and I had like no money. I had $3 to my name. - You spent the last three on that shirt, right? - Yeah. - This was a gift. - I believe it. - From who you're worst enemy? - Yeah. - From the Grinch? - No, from my brother. - Oh, see you down syndrome? - I got you the greatest shirt I've ever seen. (laughing) This is my favorite, I'm about me one too. I got a matching shirt, see you on my favorite brother. - What's that? - You're my only brother too. - Okay, go ahead. (laughing) You had $3 of your name. You were telling a story, you're on a live show. Go ahead. - So I was door dashing and I got my first dash for the day I pulled up to, it was a restaurant next to a Texaco. I park in the Texaco and here we go. Here comes the story, everybody. - And so I walk up to the door of the restaurant and somebody says, "Hey, somebody's putting a boot on your car." This is like literally-- - I know what I do when I find out someone's putting a boot on my car, I go get my deadly weapon. What did you do? - This was like, that's the 10 seconds dry part. So I go back and the dude looks like he's a homeless guy, right? - He's dressed like you. (laughing) - Okay, so I'm like, hey, come on man, I'm door dashing, I just pulled up, let me move the car, I'll move the car. And he's like, "No, $100." - Wow, you don't accept that. - That was it, yeah. - What accent was that, was that Russian? - Middle Eastern accent. - Okay, all right. - Baby it was Choda. - Okay, Sam, not everybody can see the exact neon green details of that shit shirt you're pointing out. It was a Yoda reference though, that is correct. - Yoda but a peanut. (laughing) - All right, keep going with the story, Mike. - Try and just touch up the story. - I know, I know, it's very hard. He makes it impossible. - Only thing harder, Shubaka. (laughing) - So, a wookie over here, continue with your story. - So, I immediately start thinking that this is a scam. - Right. - Right, 'cause it's also not even a real boot, it's like a team-o-cheap version of a boot. - Right. And so, but I was, that's unbelievable. Unbelievable. - Good job, Red Band. - We are looking for the deadly weapon part of the story, Mike. I'll tell you, that's the bread and butter, that's the exciting part. - At least we know he's-- - You're in Mexico, yeah. - I'm getting there. R2, D2. - All right, another share. We're just roasting your shirt now. - Yeah. - The story's a little fat. - That's a little bumma fat. Go ahead. - So, I tried to appeal to his human decency again. I was like, come on, man. I don't have $100. The only way I could even get you $100 is with this car. And he was still like, no, $100. So, I panicked. - Okay, okay. Red Band, very good. - That's a callback to something that barely worked before. Go ahead. And I pulled a knife out of my car that I started putting in there after I got a car jacked at gunpoint. - Oh, you bullshit, man. - No, no, that shit didn't happen to you. - Yeah, why would anybody use a gun to car jack you? I think it just pulled you right out. Take it. - Okay, go ahead. So you got the fucking knife. You got the fucking knife in there. - Yeah, so I'm pointing the knife at the boot and going, take the fucking boot off. - Oh, you mean the boot that the guy is next to? - That's on my car. No, he's like 10 feet away at this point. - So why would you have a knife at a boot? Why would you point that knife? - I was pointing at the boot saying, take the fucking boot off. - You're like, get this boot off my car. That's assault with a deadly weapon. No, that checks out. - Take it off. for all kill the booths. Yeah. He's like a white soldier boy right now. I don't believe none of this shit. I got the reference. Thank you so much. My nigga. Oh! You did it wrong, motherfucker. Daph, motherfucker. You changed up. You can't be like, all right, good job. You practiced his backstage. You're like, I want a daph of motherfucker. I know, my wrist hurts, yeah. Let's do it right, white version. [CLICK] You don't hurt yourself. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. OK, so you're pointing the knife at the booth. You can't pass the daph. Sorry, man. It's not for everybody. Sorry. He didn't pass the daphs. I didn't. I gave him the fingers, sir. Don't worry. I'm going to try, even though-- Staps are us. I can feel people turning off this episode in real time. I'm just curious. You have the knife to the boot, and then what happens? Can you get to the bread and butter of this story? I quickly realized that he's not taking the boot off, and I'm not willing to use the knife on him. So-- oh, my god. You-- I put the knife away. My story says, bitchy is that fucking shirt you got on, man. The fuck do you have a knife for if you're not going to stab a motherfucker? What do you think would happen when you pulled out the knife? You thought he would be scared and take the boot off? Yeah. Obviously. OK, well, there you go. Obviously, though, you're the one brandishing a knife at a boot. In hindsight-- yes, Tony. Yes, obviously. He pulled a knife out and pointed at a fucking tire. Yeah. Who the fuck does that? I mean, I honestly-- I thought you were a good year tire since you came out here. I started to pull mine out at one point. I got a little extra-- All right, that's a gap. That's a gap. Come on. I'm going to pass it off to Redban here. There you go. You're going to want to wash your fist. OK. Mike-- here's a little joke, my friend. It happens. It happens. It happened to you tonight. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't happen. Keep signing up. Peanut. Maybe I don't get how you can't tell a fucking story sometimes. It's crazy. It's crazy. It hurts me. It's not that he was a white dude trying to tell a gangster story. Right. That's different. That's like, yeah, did we pull him in his motherfuckers? And then we took him to court. We sued shit out from bitches motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah, that's what it felt. We punked those marks. Yeah, motherfuckers. Esquire, bitch. Yeah, I mean, I'm looking back at that story. And he says that I'm pulling into this. It's next to a Texaco. Like, there's so much unnecessary information. You remember when he said Texaco? Of course. It's all I remember. That never came back to anything. There was no reason. He told us everything except for the actual-- You should tell him, like, hey, pretend you're on the biggest podcast in the world. And you're trying to entertain millions. It's crazy. Chatteros up here, I'm like, I'll tell you something. I'm like, no, there's a lot of crazy. Stop downy. That's an actual quote from Chatteros. Well, there's a lot of crazy stuff. People have said that they did follow me around with the camera. I'm like, well, there's cameras on you now. What do you got? Well, it's crazy. Yeah, I'm going to say it, maybe, any second. But I'm not. I'm not good, but I'm not going to. This is my one opportunity to go back to Frisco. Population, by the sounds of things, 15,000 people. Hello there. 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Because the first 3, 4, 3 years is a little bit dangerous. It was a little bit too bad. Like, the cops are getting the same dude. Like, I was getting the same. Same, but I do. I'm like, this is too kind of fun. Because it's how I started. When I first started going to a piss, he was like, all right. Watch your hands. I'm like, all right. Go watch your hands. Living straight up, I'm like, all right, did it. And then I'm saying, they felt like, OK, yeah. And then he's like, turn the side and start peeing. I'm like, huh? All right, whatever. This is going for like 3 fucking years. I'm saying, in between my time being preparation, 3 years going with the shit. So finally he go. And I got a new dude. I'm like, so when dude's like, all right. Watch your hands. Like, yeah, I know that shit is going on. I know shit is going on. And this is all right, I got you. You know what I'm saying? He's like, I was like, I start to do the thing. He's like, you ain't got to do all that. I said, hi. I thought the last. I thought, all right, you dirty son of a bitch. Look at my motherfuckers. OK, young spence. That is your time indeed. Oh my God. Young spence. From what I gathered, hold on a second. From what I gathered there, you were taking us through your adventures with different probation officers. Am I correct? OK, talking to that microphone right there. Holy shit. Yes, I was. I got to, so just true shit. I mean, that's kind of the gay shit I got for you, Tony. I had to show it with, I was like, all right. That's only gay shit I can treat. Yeah, that's not how it works at all. Hold on. Young spence. But that's how I have to do it. Stick with me here. Stick with me here. I got. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up. I've been writing jokes since high school. So I say, oh, five, about 15. I didn't start telling onstage like this shit. So I got our prison. So for my probation, so when was that? 2017. So I'll say about nine years. Wow, where have you done it for nine years, that? In Houston? Am I in Houston right now at the moment? I should have guessed that. I don't know why I didn't guess you were from Houston. I can't believe it. No, I'm bridging not for me. I'm for Detroit mission. I would have guessed that too. I mean, I would have been my next guest. I swear to God. I mean, Detroit in Houston all checks out. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I checked out the-- No doubt about it. So let's get into it, young spence. What were you on probation for? Oh, shit. I was eating shit. Robert, you know what I'm saying? So I was like, OK. What were you robbing? Oh, shit. But budget stores. But he had funny thing, but I was like, I love it. See, that's how you get to it. Bring Mike Holloway back in here. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. He's the funny thing about people. It was so bad, but like, oh, when Texas say-- oh, don't mess with Texas, they really mean that shit. So I'm coming from like, why hard to wear aggravated? I'm like, OK, aggravated. But then when I have a gun, it's an aggravated robbery. And I'm like, oh, uh, 30 years. Oh, no. Why ain't he sat up for that shit? Donnell, can you translate that for us? OK, shit. What he said is like, I pulled the gun out. He wanted to fight me, then I was going to jail. I fucked that. OK. He just didn't-- he said, I'm on papers, which means I got a probation office. Yeah. All right, here's another one, you wipe him, might not know. All right. What's your government? Spencer, Spencer, Spencer Isaac. What the fuck is this? What just happened? I got the wipe. I got the wipe. I got the wipe in him, you. That was my way of asking what's your real name? Welcome, welcome to Breakfast Club with Tony Hinch Club, ladies and gentlemen. Joe, I thought Spike Lee was doing jokes for the first five minutes. This is incredible. Holy shit. The fact that he got turned up like the other jokes he was with, kind of. But once he started talking about his criminal pants, he started getting excited. He was like, I don't know where I could tell. And then I robbed that motherfucker. Ha, ha, ha. All right, no, I won't go worse than that. But like I said, it's clean as I can do it. Well, I would be worse than that. What do you mean? You have a partner hitting comedies? That what you're saying? Yeah. Try to be nice front of, like, I'm sorry, white folks. I'm thinking, like, I don't know. The white folks like it, the rough. Oh, yeah. We do. This is kill stuff. Oh, yeah, that's part of why I should be here, yeah. You thought doing gay shit was going to be wildly successful here? It only works for me, my friend. I'm talking about you got one of the gay jokes and shit on. Why don't you do the hard-hitting stuff? Do you give us a minute of that? Starting, you ready for it? You got it up there? Yeah. All right, do it. Shit, my girlfriend left for midget. Oh, yeah, fuck, yeah, yeah, I'm really fine, that shit fucking learns. Really, really fucking midget. It would be so bad. It's like, wait, it just sucks when you're in line. I'm very keen trying to get the 9-9 shit chicken nugget. So I'm saying, I'm like, oh shit, chicken is 10 cents. Oh, sign me up. Like, yeah, chicken nugget, chicken nugget. 9-9 cents. That was fine. And then I was like, "Bro, I spent some leaving you." "Uh, huh, bitch, you leave me." "What?" "Yeah, I'm leaving, I'm like, "Oh, I don't do this shit, bitch." And I'm, "Amid the bitch, I'm fucking bitch, bitch." "I don't do this shit, not right now, not right now." "Look at a little kid behind me, like God damn, man." And I was like, "Hey, hurry up, I shut the fuck up, "I got a grown-funk problem going on right now." "Fuck wrong with you." "Yo, I just got to say, yeah, they got a different type of weed here." [LAUGHTER] "I don't know what they smoking out here." "I have something to hear, because I was gonna ask you to translate that." "Yeah." "Why do you even sound like this little bitch or something, "I couldn't afford to pay her, so I was like, whatever." "I got left for a midget, bro." "But what did they check in nuggets, I have to do with that." "They're back in, bro." "I was having a good time thinking I'm getting a deal, "well, I already got fucked the day, best way to do it." "But so, I'm not sitting in search of for the midget," "I'm saying, like, God damn, man, he got me fucked up, "but I knew I shouldn't ever let this bitch drive my car." "I'm saying be said to you, bro." "Okay, I knew it was a problem, I filed a phone." "Okay, okay, three phone booths." Hold on, hold on, young spence. We gotta breathe, everyone. "You gotta be fucked up means there's a misunderstanding." "Okay." "I'm translating, do more, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, "young spence." "Let's get it, hold on." "I need to understand, so--" "Me too." "So your girl really left you for a midget?" "That's just a jet." "Yes, I'll be as part of it, I've been left for, "but I know how to, like, obviously, for the crowd." "I need to laugh, so shit." "But, uh, yeah." "Right, so you've been left before, but never for a midget." "I'm sorry, any midgets in here, or a little people." "Young spence, hold on, hold on, young spence over here." "How does the-- I got lost at some point." "I think Don L. did too, let me understand." "Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on." "Please, for the love of God, hold on a second here." "Well, how do the chicken nuggets apply to you being here?" "Look, girl, leaving you for a midget." "I have to know before I ask you about how the robberies." "Because I have a good day, when I have it a good day, it's always some bullshit that's gonna fuck your day up." "You were having a--" "So you were having a bad day, your girl left you for a midget, "and then the chicken nuggets, there was a deal." "No, I was trying to get the chicken nuggets." "When I was in the middle, getting chicken, "that's when I got that phone call, I'm like, "Didn't you fucking it up?" "Chicken nuggets, they made 99 cents this year." "Oh, my God." "You are impossible to understand." "God, this is the worst thing about this Tony White people." "It was his name, like, I didn't--" Hold on, young spence, hold on. "But worse, part of this is White people, like, "I told you that he likes chicken." [ Laughter ] "Gum, you could say salad or brisket or nothing, "you had to say the fried chicken nuggets with extra crispy, "with limit pepper sauce, so I got damn it." "Oh, damn it, boom, boom." "Yeah, damn." "Dee-choid Houston." "Yes, that's basically--" "Yeah, filet mignon." "Oh, like, we have to--" "Young spence, so let me ask you how--" "You got off a probation, what, about six, seven years ago, "as I always said--" "I'm still on it." "Oh, how are you still on--" "You have an ankle monitor on?" "No, I don't-- no, no, no, no, that's--" "What are the terms of your probation?" "Uh, basically, shit, man. "I got some of the furs and shit like that, but--" "I've been on foot-- I'm really not supposed to be-- "You're not supposed to be in County, but--" [ Laughter ] "Guess who I'm going to--" "Guess who I'm going to--" "Guess who I'm going to--" "I hate-- I hate-- I hate a real joke, but I--" "Soon like you out-- "Soon like you out the gray house, but--" "You just-- I like--" "Man, ain't shabber--" "I don't kill Tony--" "Fuck you, you know what I'm saying? " "Fuck you, bro--" [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] You have that on you, right? [ Laughter ] You didn't have it all. You didn't have all the money? No, I don't. So you were short like the dude that took your girlfriend. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my goodness. You know, blah! I got shot. Yeah, I got shot. But yeah, I'm out of here, bro. You owe $5,000. Let me ask you this question before I get you out of here. That's right. "How much were you able to successfully steal "in your robbery career?" Oh, no, this is-- this is the even worse joke. I said, "So I robbed-- so I robbed a--" Let's see. Youngspence. A denny? Youngspence. Youngspence. Like, take a, like, a-- take, like, a breath. And, like, say it, like, word for word. Tony, I've never heard-- I got anybody say, "This joke is even worse." Yeah. So, but it's real life shit, though. So, uh-- Do you need water or something? No, I'm good. That's how you-- that's how you sound at your best? Yes. I'm not in my best, but yes. I'm doing well. I will be drunk, but, like, I'm good. You had some drinks, today? Yeah, but I actually didn't-- I did nights, bro. Are you allowed to drink on probation? Uh-- [LAUGHTER] No, I show like smoke weed, so it's all-- but, like, say, I had, like, to me, then, uh, PO, so it was all good. But, uh, right now, I've been doing a lot better. PO is a probation officer, by the way. Yeah. I thought he was talking about the post office. Goddamn. What's your zip code? [LAUGHTER] Do you still have to pee? Yeah. Yeah. When I used to have to pee, when I was-- I don't smoke weed. I don't do drug drugs. I call it the drug drugs. People-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, drug drugs. I know what that means. Okay. Yeah, burst, bro. Oh, that's shit. I don't do any drug drugs, so I'm good. Like, all my best friends, they don't drink it. Like, I drink, so they all smoke, so it's like-- I don't have to-- Black people can smoke weed and talk about-- Old to drug drugs. Yeah, burst. Wait, you know what? White people do that as well. But no, I'm dead serious. So I spent my whole life and shit crying and shit. I get the fuck out of here with that shit, so-- No good. That's why I've been to making food. You sound like your mouth is dry. Let's get you a can of water real quick. Can we bring him a can of water real quick? There we are. Here we go. Just for a hand. Just for a hand. That's for a hand. [LAUGHTER] Are you going to take-- Are you going to take-- [LAUGHTER] She's just giving you a water. That's the lovely hidey right there. That's true. [APPLAUSE] He was ready to say, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Oh, like a free time here. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I know, man. I got somebody-- you don't want to worry about the gray house. We got you. I'm like, oh, I know. I'm not talking to you. Not right now. No. That was so scary. I know. I've got you. I know. Get the fuck out of here. That weed was kicking in extra heavy there for a second, huh? Hidey just came out and handed you water. Yeah, I did, bro. No. But hey, let's be respectful about that police officer. Wood smash. [LAUGHTER] That is the hot police officer. Right. Fuck that. Let me hit my phone, virtual. I'm going to hand for the great Austin police department, always keeping us safe. [APPLAUSE] She had a fatty. Young sense. She had a fatty, too. OK, all right, Donald. That's enough for China. You have the right to remember. When will you people finally respect the police? Oh, Jesus. I can't read. If Donald gets arrested after this, that's a perfect episode. You say, I can't read. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE] I thought this would be way to walk off of a fucker. When I say walk, y'all say off. Walk. Walk. Walk. [INAUDIBLE] This place is crazy. No one's free to her all free. What the hell was the-- Stop it! What? Stop what you're honest with. What? Snigger jokes. [LAUGHTER] I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. [LAUGHTER] I love it when people call me Mr. Tony. It's my favorite thing. OK, so young spence, I think my final question was, was what? Oh, yeah. How did you earn more than the 5,000 that you owe? In all your robberies, did you get more than $5,000? You owe them $5,000. What do you think if you had to guess your total take and all of your robberies back in the day? Because we know you would never do that again. What do you think you-- I won't. I ain't going to listen. All right, so basically, the whole robber what I got, like I said, it was a subway, family dollar, family dollar. People all have it in the Midwest. It's like-- Yeah. Family dollar. I think it's a-- Do you sense? Wait, it's a dini's involved in this. Was this on Jefferson? No, I hear-- I hear-- oh, really? I'm Houston, so. OK. And then we shot him up from-- OK, all right, all done, all done, all done. They're like threatened to boo with a knife. So basically, I think all that came out to-- it was like 200, she's like-- [LAUGHTER] I'm so mad at that. The timeout, young spence, I have to cut you off. The interview's going on way too long. That's the old one, young spence over here. What the fuck made you rob a family dollar? Yes. It is both for family and everything is a fucking dollar. Tell me, before you go in for this great loot-taking that you were expecting, what the fuck were you thinking? Was the fucking-- what's that fucking place called? Dollar General. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Well, you just went rob dollar general, because that's stolen valor. Yeah. What were you thinking robbing a family dollar, where everything is a dollar? Yes. Dollar General. -Well, it was just the first pit stop. -First pit stop? -Yeah. -What does that mean? You owe the Uber on a run that day. -Right! -Oh, that was the first one, man. -Let me ask you this, did you change disguises after each robbery or anything? What were you wearing? Black hoodie, black hat? -No, I was being myself, I'm stupid, so. -You were what? -Me, my honk, me, my honk. We was on some bonding class shit, so it's like-- -Some Bonnie and Clyde shit? -Yeah, it's great. -What were you-- What is that mean? I asked what you were wearing. -Shit, not no mask, so-- [ Laughter ] -That's what I said, jokes for later on. But fuck your mouth, tell him now, let's just-- -Unbelieveable. -I know, man. Like, yeah, this is my, uh, uh, the dude, my lawyer said. He was like, "Why were all of this after being like, "Hey, man, uh, I want to talk to you for me and everything about your kitchen and thing. You went into four places and this and this and that." I thought, "All right, cool." -If my lawyer said whatever he just said, I would shoot myself in the head, man. -When you were saying, "Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, who said them, come on out." -But I got blessed, so I got blessed, so I was like, "I'll see you next month." And we were talking about the same thing. That's all right. So, and he's like, "Uh, this is like you said next month when I saw him." He was like, "Uh, uh, you went there ever in the mask, and I said, "Yeah, he's like, "Uh." [ Laughter ] -Wow. And the life-- -And he was like, "Uh, it was born day like." -I was like, "Yeah, he's like, "Uh." -This feels like the first person that calls top dog law. -Yeah, and then he's like, "They got the gun, too." I was like, "Yeah, he's like, "Uh, uh, you had a gun." -True shit. And then he was like, "Well, you're looking at 30 years, buddy. Oh, man. Like, what the fuck?" And it's walked off. I was like, "I'll see you next month. But you're looking at 30 years." I was like, "What the fuck?" "No, you're not going to give me 30 years. Fuck that." And I was like, "That's not worth like months." And I was sitting there waiting like 30 years. -Hold on. Yeah, it spends. I got to stop you. -I'm like, "Fuck that." -Because you're skipping like a CD right now. -30 years. 30 years. I said, "30 years. Fuck that. 30 years. 30 years." -Remember CDs used to stick. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Youngspence, youngspence. -I'm worth it, I'm worth it. -Okay. So, when's the last time you spoke to your lawyer? -Uh, so I've been home for a minute, so I don't have to speak to him. I've been, I've been free. I mean, you've been home in Houston. -Yeah, been here? -You're supposed to be in Houston right now. -Yeah. -And you're not supposed to drink. -Uh, no, I'm good. I'm fine with drinking. I said, "My pio-goo with that." -How much longer are you on probation for? -To January. -To January. -I've been on since 2017. I was really, why I say '08. I was really a judge rating, but it's really 2017. -Okay. -Yeah, I've been on probation since 2017. -Wait, wait, wait, wait. -Hold on, 10 years. -20? -Instead of, instead of 20 years of prison, I got 10 years probation. I stayed out trouble, and I really have to do my common career. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, I don't still, I don't trust no weapons. Because I don't like -- The people who I do brown like me -- Oh, y'all, drugs, you get away from me. People -- Hey, if I'm going to stoke, you can't go on stoke. You still still. So you feel me? So I don't be around -- I don't be around people like this. -You still? -Just still. Just to let you know, if any law officials are watching this, we are in Houston, Texas right now, in his backyard. We're shooting this in Young's. But I know we decorated it like it's the mothership. We are in Young's Spencer's backyard. -I part of that secret group. -You know a secret group? -Yeah. -I've been a secret group all the time. Bulldogs, I used to go improv. -Okay, all right, Young's Spencer. -I don't want to waste it. -I got to keep it moving, because this is the longest interview perhaps in the show itself. -It's the best one. -Oh, you got to do it. -Here's a big joke book. Yep, Young's Spencer, there he is. Hell yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank y'all. Absolutely legendary performance by Young's Spencer. I mean, the set, okay? The interview, absolutely epic. That is what you want in an interview. [ Cheers and applause ] Heidi, back out of the police uniform. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool, getting 60-seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] Hey, it's good to be here. I just -- I'm one of the short midgets to fuck that guys' girlfriend. Glad I can't believe we made it to the same place. This is exciting. It's good to be here. What's up? You guys -- you guys racist? Or -- [ Laughter ] All right, nice. Good. A lot of nervous laughter. But no one said, "No." That's exciting. That's cool. Here's what I think. I think racism's never going to end in America, unfortunately. No matter how many times they spray paint end racism in the end zone of an NFL field, it's never going to end. That was their solution. They put end racism in the end zone. Like, that was going to change something. And nothing ever changed. They didn't even say, "Please." [ Laughter ] That might help. It's the wrong demographic, too. They miss it. It's the wrong place. I think we had to put end racism in other places. Then we can make a difference, you know? Let's put end racism on a pickleball court. That's something we'll change, right? Let's put end racism on a NASCAR track. Those are people that need to hear it, okay? And you would have to put it on the track. You couldn't put it on the cars. The cars moved too fast. Those people read too slow, okay? [ Laughter ] Ender. Ender. Thanks, guys. Absolutely hilarious. A miracle out of the bucket tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] Great show, Rinaldo Mercado. Welcome back. It's been a while, Rinaldo. Yeah, good to be back. Thanks for having me, man. Amazing stuff. Guys, a good 60 seconds. Thank God. What a relief. Amazing. Tell ya. What a hero. I'm offended. You're offended? Yeah, because I love pickleball. You do. This is amazing. I felt like it was an attack on me, man. But it was, like you said, like, I know this platform is an opportunity for people to do it for the first and second time. But it is kind of refreshing to see somebody just waiting for the opportunity to do it this polished and went straight to it. Exactly. Amazing. And, like, that's not easy. Like, that was one minute of jokes. But it was a bunch of jokes. It was all one topic. I mean, it was Bill and he body. Yeah, yeah. You weren't, you know. You didn't say you have a tiger. Yeah. Thanks. You did great. How long have you been doing Santa, Rinaldo? Eight years. Eight years. Yeah. Amazing. How's life going for you? Oh, it's great. Just got back from St. Louis. Did a show in the basement of Chuck Berry's restaurant. Oh, Blueberry Hill. Blueberry Hill, yeah. In the basement, just trying to go on the road, do comedy. Things have been going good. Still with my girlfriend, where we pay rent. That's not going to last. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kind of look like me and Red Band had a child. Yeah. Interesting. I actually, I work at Red Band's Club and people all the time they go, you know, he looks just like you, right? They do tell me that. That's amazing. I would have gotten a compliment. Sorry, sir. That's all right. Rinaldo, what does your girlfriend do? She works box office at the comedy mothership. Oh, wow, look at that. Not a comic. We've been together a long time, 10 years together. Wow. Do you just describe her pussy as the box office? Come on now. That's right. I got VIP tickets. Hell, yeah. Very important penis to her. There's D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, the whole time the last guy was out here, D Madness was roasting his ass in the back. It's hard time. Incredible. D's brutal. Incredible. Well, yeah, we've been together 10 years. It's been great. We live here in Austin for two years now. I think we're going to make it. We're high school sweethearts. People say we're not going to make it. I think you guys are definitely going to make it 10 years. D, what were you saying about the last guy that was up here? We didn't get to hear any of it. You weren't supporting your fellow culture. [LAUGHTER] You would say, "Now, man, put my ass up there. I'm funny to him." Is that what you're saying, D? Is that true? D. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, there you go. Has a matter of fact. Yeah. I don't know when I look at him. I just want to go happy, baby. They're friends. They're in Steve U, or friends, or were friends. They met at the eye doctor. How do you roast them out when you blind? You like to say, yeah, he's got dirty underwear on right now. OK. Renaldo, great stuff. Amazing. Renaldo, if you're around Thursday, I'd love to have you on the secret show. Hey, there you go. Renaldo, Mercado. Ladies and gentlemen, hey, let's talk to the small business owners out there listening right now. You know, running a business is tough. But you know what's actually painful? Trying to get a loan from a traditional dinosaur bank. They treat you like you're asking for a personal favor. Drown you in endless paperwork and make you wait weeks just to say no. It's absolutely ridiculous. I know how the banks have worked forever. It's terrible. Joe White, come on up here and tell them what it used to be like. Red Band. Has work hard if comes into Save the Day. They are America's favorite small business lender because they actually understand entrepreneurs. No red tape, no corporate headache, just simple fast access to the capital you need to grow, upgrade equipment, or hire more help. That's right. If you've been in business for at least one year and make at least $20,000 a month in revenue, you can apply right now for up to $500,000 in same day business funding at cardiff.co/killtony. That's cardiff.co/killtony. the applications it takes. just three minutes and has zero impact on your personal credit score to apply. So stop begging big banks for your own growth, approval in minutes, funding same day. Go check them out today, real growth, fast funding, Cardiff, borrow better. Let me tell you how bad banks used to be. Joe, Joe, what year did you ask for your first loan? - 1892. - See what I'm talking about people and Joe knows. That's why he signed up a cardiff without a doubt. That's cardiff.co/killtony today. - Ladies and gentlemen, we have a regular on this show that has the unbelievable beauty of having to write and perform a new minute every single week. This is a brand new minute from "I'm You Know 'em." Formerly the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from "Dedric Flynn," everybody. (upbeat music) Shout out Lauren Clancy. Postpartum is real. And I understand that not just 'cause a bunch of my homegirls had babies, but men go through that too. I call it post-hard on depression. Some people call it post-nut clarity, but I call it post-hard on depression because at the end, all of my kids die on somebody's face or back. (audience laughing) I don't fuck with AI. I don't, I was in the Denver airport and I was coming to get on my flight and then I walked over and they had like a little eye where you could like buy the snacks and shit and normally they have somebody there to ring it up, but you just put them on this like little table and automatically like gather how much you got and they give you a price and I clicked to pay and then it had a screen that popped up and it said suggested tip, nigga, I'm not tipping AI. That was the blackest I felt in a long time. That my nigga, I'm not, and the first option was 25%. My nigga, you didn't do anything at all and but I still felt America's I wanted to give him a chance, right? 'Cause maybe the person who stocked it was near. I said, hey, if you're the nigga that stocked this shit, you got two seconds to come over here. Nobody came so I stole it. Ah, I fucked ever. But I don't fuck with AI. I was like, in Texas just passed a weed band. And at first, I was with it because I thought they was just trying to go against like Delta A and like THCA, right? 'Cause I don't believe in AI weed, you know what I'm saying? I don't believe in that shit, that shit is wrong. But then I found it was also THC in there. And the reason why I don't fuck with Delta A 'cause the nigga gonna try to sell it to you like it's supposed to be weed. He's like, yo, it's just one molecule off from being weed. And I want to let you know that one molecule is full of nanobytes, right? It's full of nanobytes because you ever met somebody who ate a weed edible. That nigga's still smart and giggling and having a good time. But anybody with Delta A edible is the stupidest nigga that you've ever met, right? Because the nanobytes get to your brain and them niggas up there deleting shit. You know what I'm saying, they deleting shit and shredding files, right? You ever met a hi, you ever met Delta A? And you look at your phone and they give you an ad for the thing you was thinking about is because of the Wi-Fi hitting, right? You know what I'm just saying? If a nigga is hi, he probably just eaten. But if he eats Delta A, that nigga is drooling and you walk up to him, you're like, how was your day gone? He's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. There was a fire earlier. That's my time, my love, y'all. Thank y'all. [ Cheers and applause ] I don't know the difference between the Delta A and the other adibles. I don't know if I -- I don't never do adibles, so I don't recognize any -- any difference. Well, they make regularly two-tony, but you're too rich to understand. There's poor people with problems. They don't want to affect the rich, and they want to affect the poor because there's more of us. Oh, my goodness. More of us, your chain is worth, like, $6,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your chain could get, uh, young spence off of probation. Yeah. Stop. This chain was on Amazon. I'm making it look good because I'm cute. Niggid, calm down. Calm down, all right? Either way, as I be selling tickets like you, Sam Tallinn, shut the fuck up, your last name is Tallinn, bitch. I'm done with you. Somehow -- I'm a fan. [ Laughter ] Fizzball, nigga. No. I am a fan of yours. I saw -- I think -- I don't know when the first time I saw you, but it's so hard to hear people that got original voices that are different, and then, like, me knowing your back story. Like, when you went to jail, I had a free desert shirt. De-deak. But it's so refreshing to see you come here, see your growth, and what you're doing. And I don't really comment on people's pages too much, but I was like, this authentic, original, and just refreshing. And then, as I follow your career, even when you're in a green room, I got excited for a second but I had to calm down, 'cause I'm on papers, right? [ Laughter ] I was like, this, fuck, bitch, I got out. You're not paused, whatever, but. I'm a fan. Then, while you ain't tag my plug, can't say when he come up here, you know, that's how I got arrested, can't say. Can't say he got them got me arrested. He said, "Yo, bring me some molly to sell when you get to Japan." So now, I ain't understand. Shit, you just -- Yeah. I don't know who's gonna translate that. You just want the story. I want to love you, Diesel. [ Laughter ] We already did this before. We can't just keep bonding. These white people don't understand when we talking about it. When I'm gonna say, "Hey, nigga, I love you. I watch you on these blinks." What's your government? Government got them what? What? You paid it? You didn't know me. Do the thing you did before. Don't you? How did you do that? Show me how to do that. How'd you do that? Hold on, first of all. First of all, first of all, I don't give a fuck if they don't understand. What did you mean? What's my government? Tony says, "I'm doing like a federal fucking thing." Well, I'm from, nigga. What, name? Yeah, that's what it is. He bailed now. He just promised it. Dad's your bail now, dark storm. Yeah, that's it. I don't want these niggas knowing nothing about me. I don't give a fuck. I love it. I love it. Now I get it. It's the government name, but you ask, "What's your government?" And they give you your name. I think it's better coming from me. I think so, too. I learned that in the heart. When you said it, I used to say, "You have a right to remain silent." Yeah, yeah. Get on the fucking ground. I plead the fifth. I don't know. I don't know. I know my rights. This is just-- I don't answer government questions from a ball. Niggah, he ain't got none to lose. Dettrick always, always, slightly mean to the panel for no reason whatsoever. I love him. Everybody's so nice. Now what? Which one of us were you talking about? Both y'all ball niggas. The niggas are still yet holding on to Niggah that gave up. Hey, and fuck you. What's up, white dad? I love you, bro. I love you, sometimes. I love you, white dad. I just love it. I love the new set, Dettrick. I love the support from Donnell, the culture, the culture. And I love that he supported you when you were in jail. And I hope that you return the favor and support him when he goes to jail very soon. Perhaps arrested after the show for-- What's your government? Ashley Larry. Martin Lawrence. Dettrick, we love you. Was racist. What? The great Dettrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one, we go. Back to the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Make some noise for your next 60 seconds. Uninterrupted going to Zach Myers, everybody. Zach Myers. What's going on? A good thing pedophiles could say to get into the LGBTQ is something like, hey, we got pride too. Just ask a little Timmy. We pride his butt cheeks open last week. It's true. I recently thought of this candy nobody's made before. Oh my god. It's a candy that would start off lemony and tart and then it would turn sweet and then it would turn tart again. And you'd call it the "reach art." Another thing I think is funny is when fat chicks get their hair done. Keep going. They'll be like, hey, does this look good and it's like, well, no, there's still 300 pounds under it. Thank you, Zach Myers has arrived to the Killtoni universe. Wow. Where did you come from? Wichita. Wow. How long you been on sand up? About three years. Wow. All of it in Wichita? Most of it in San Antonio. Is that where you live now? I live here now. Where did you move to Austin? San Antonio. San Antonio to Wichita to Austin. What are you following the money? -I wish-- -Yeah, actually, yeah. -How long have you been in Austin? -Three weeks. -Wow, and you moved here obviously for the ridiculously booming comedy scene. -I mean, it is booming. -Do you do anything else for a living? Aerospace Engineer. -Wow. You're a current aerospace engineer? -Well, actually, one of my co-workers sent my set into my boss. So, oh, my goodness. -I'm gonna get back in the game. -I think you're gonna be okay. Don L. -I just got one question for you. -Zagry Myers? -Yeah, exactly. White people just repeat their actual name. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Yeah! [ Laughter ] -When I say walk, y'all say off, walk! -It's gonna happen. [ Laughter ] -Wow, Zach, tell us more about your life. These are so hilarious. -Thank you, man. My girlfriend is in Michigan. I am looking for a job. And I am-- -I'm gonna say looking for a new girlfriend. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, looking for a job and a second girlfriend. -Yeah. -Why is she in Michigan? -That is where I lived before I moved to San Antonio. -And you left her in Michigan? -Yeah, and she is hot, so I don't know what I'm doing. -Right, that's all right. -Yeah, she's gonna be with that black basketball team, it's gonna be. -That is fucked up, then. -Yeah, young Spencer. [ Laughter ] -The biggest fear, sir. -Don't say crap. -Government, mom. [ Laughter ] -Bad news, young Spencer's on his way back to Michigan right now. The good news is he's just going to rob a dollar general. [ Laughter ] -So, what is your girlfriend do in Michigan? A family there? -Family in a job. -Yeah. -What's the job? -Um, like, manager for marketing. -Okay, you don't really listen to her. -You don't care at all. -No more than anyone else, sir. -Oh, Leafy. -That is fucked up, then, now. -Dar now. -Dar now, get it together. -Yeah, he put the white in the shirt. -Dar now? -He knows your government name. -He's putting the R in your name and at the end of the work. -Yeah. -He's no good. -That is fucked up, Sam. -Oh! -He speaks Schwarzenegger. -Sack, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. What else? -Um, man, it's mostly this and the gym. I wish there was more fun. -Is the gym your boyfriend's name? -That is fucked up against Sam. [ Laughter ] -Sack, that's-- -D-Madness loved it. -Yeah, he does. -Sack. -So, what's your living situation now? You don't have an aerospace engineering job. You handled on yourself, moved to Austin, Texas three weeks ago. Do you get your own little apartment? What's the deal? You couch surf and what's going on? -I'm rooming with my buddy, Split and a place. -You're just split in a place with your buddy. -Yeah. -Did he move down here with you? -Oh, no. He was already here. -Okay. -Yep. -And what's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator right now waiting for you at home? -Six full size cucumbers. -Whoa! -I'm glad I asked. -Pulse. -Yes. -Once I come over, there'll only be five. [ Laughter ] -And I am allergic to eating cucumber. -They're going in his butt. -Okay. Thank you. Now I've pieced it. Yeah. -Zack, I have a big follow-up question here. Why do you have six cucumbers? -I like eating them whole. -Oh, my God. You just eat them skin and all? -Well, yeah, but not how you eat them. [ Laughter ] -You don't eat them all in one bite? -Oh! [ Laughter ] -Well, look at yourself in the mirror. [ Laughter ] -Backwards? [ Laughter ] -It's a series of mirrors. -Calm down for the walkoff. [ Laughter ] -Amazing. How many-- so how many cucumbers do you go through a day? -Just one. -Yeah. -Stacked up for the week. -You dip in them or just raw, though? -Homest, man. -Oh, yeah. -Wow. -Yeah, bro. -You are? -Mishoget. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -How about your ass out there? -A big cucumbers are the Persian cucumbers. -I have not seen a Persian cucumber. -They call them Israeli cucumbers now. -They are the big cucumbers. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -Only shit. -Oh, my God. -Oh, my God. -What, I noticed this crazy. What ethnicity are you? -I'm a rap. -Yeah, yeah. -I swear, when you came out here, I was hoping you didn't count backwards. [ Laughter ] -There is a-- there is a-- -In 1978, 3-2-1! [ Laughter ] -Darnell, you forgot five and four. [ Laughter ] -You fucked up, Darnell. -I can't read! [ Laughter ] -A nap is a fucking nap! -Sorry, sir. -We bonded back safe. -I know. -Remember this? -I know. -Remember that? -Yes. -Let's get back to it. -No, no. [ Laughter ] -Are you--are you Caldeon? -No, Syrian. -Oh! -Yeah. -Not for long. [ Laughter ] -Predo Sorerian. -Oh. -Are your parents still in Syria? Or what's going on there? -No, my mom's mom immigrated here. -Do you're born Michigan? [ Laughter ] -You are right. -Wow! -Look at that! -Wala Habibi, baby! [ Laughter ] -My wife's from there. -Yeah, you know about it, yeah. -I don't know about it, man. -Alien, man. -Customer service is a bit touchy during Ramadan, man. [ Laughter ] -Otherwise, it's lovely. -Yeah, we get crabby. -They're so cranky! -Yeah. -Give 'em a fig! -Have a fig! -They do like figs. -Yeah, you got the fig figs. -Yeah, okay. -Y'all's singing a different language now. I don't know what the fuck is going on right now. -Oh, it's Aaron. -How do you think we felt when you and young spence were talking? [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -New, please. [ Laughter ] -Oh, Zach, give us another fun fact about your life. -Uh, I don't eat pushy. Whoa! Tell us more. -Yeah, you said you're serious. -I didn't say that. -What? -Wow. -Wow. -I don't know if you know the Killtoni fan base, but there's two things that they love. That is eating pussy and H-E-B. Am I right, Paypal? -That's right. -I'll hold the way. -You're looking at the white fact of "Ain't For That" and everything. -What? I mean, I know this is a great question, especially for a black guy. [ Laughter ] -Isn't it like a fascist that you can't eat pussy, like, they are doughin' up, or it's not halal? -Yeah, it is not halal. -It wasn't blessed. They didn't believe it clean. [ Laughter ] -That is fucked up, sir. -Hey. -So tell us what it's your reason. -Yeah, tell us more. -You just got to earn it. I mean, as soon as I get married. -Oh, look at all the ladies. -Wait, hold on. -Hold on. -Hold on a second here, hold on. Give me one second. -Thank you. -So you put your penis inside of your girlfriend, correct? -Yeah, that's what I do. -You're saving and eating out for marriage. -Well, if she earns that, you're right. -Oh, taking that. -Hold on. -Hold on. -How did she earn it? -Not cheating on you and Michigan? -That is true. [ Laughter ] -This is very simple. -Absolutely incredible. Does she perform oral sex on you sometimes? Does she. -Oh, yes, that is the thing she does. -Wow. Oh, the ladies in the room are going. -This is the worst. -Poker hand ever. -My goodness. -So, when's the last time you ate a pussy, Zach Myers? -I was probably about 15. -Okay. So, take us through that process of realizing that eating pussy is not for you. -That's weird. -What did you notice? -Eat a pussy until I was like 28 years old. -Well, that's fucked up. -Damn. -So, you don't eat pork or pussy. Your life is fucked up. -No, I'll eat pork. -Wow. You'll eat pork, but not pussy. -What the fuck is going on right now? [ Laughter ] -Okay. Was the pussy that you ate when you were 15 a little off or something like that? -It was fine. I was just doing it. I was like, you know, this is kind of gay. It's the opposite of gay. Take it from me. Take it from me. It is the opposite of gay. -Okay, yeah, I'll take it from you. -Have you tried dipping a cucumber in it or something? -It ended up as a pickle. [ Laughter ] -I've never heard anybody say eat a pussy was gay. But I heard the dick is gay. You're confused in the shit. -I don't do either. -So. -I've been trying to eating out a dick yet. Like, you might have liked it. -I've read some boards right there. My friend. So, can you tell us what it was about the process of eating pussy in which it made you feel gay? Can you just describe what. Just take us through your own feelings here. -Yeah, I was down there. I was doing the deed. I was like, you know, I am getting everything out of this already. -What do you mean you're getting everything out of this target? -Rong deed. It's not the asshole. What do you mean? What do you mean? We got to know. -What do I know by what? -You're down there. You're 15. You're going down on a girl. -Yeah. What's it about it that made it feel gay to you? Well, it was just like, I had just watched the superannos. You've seen the superannos. I fucking love the superannos. When I was 15, I was watching the superannos and eating pussy. (audience cheering) Doing both. Sometimes at the same time. Okay, yeah, kind of gay. Again, definitely not gay. That's crazy that you think it's gay. I do a lot of gay shit. I like candles right before bed. Yeah. (audience laughing) I don't, I know. That's what they tell me. His microphone. 'Cause it makes me feel good. They smell good, it feels good. You wake up, you're like, I'm still alive. They didn't burn the place though. (audience laughing) Okay, yeah. All right. Yep. So again, I still haven't gotten an answer. What about it made you feel gay? I was just thinking, you know, I could be doing anything else. You know. (audience laughing) I can be getting out of here. And, what are you doing? Hold on. Hold on, guys, hold on. I was like, wow. Your first encounter with pussy is not the most pleasant thing, Tony. I go ahead. You gotta fight. Describe what you mean, darling. Okay. You're saying the younger, the better. No, I remember when I was. (audience laughing) When I was younger, this girl was like this. You wanna see my pussy? You wanna touch my pussy? Yeah, right. And I thought she was talking about a cat. This is a real story. You thought she was talking about a what? A cat, a pussy. Oh my god. Is she put my hand on her feet? And I was like just, ah! I ran, but I had to fight back. Right. That is gay. (audience laughing) That is kind of gay. Yeah, to be fair, her pussy. Teeth. (audience laughing) Believe it or not, I've never touched a pussy and screamed. I was like, it was a pleasant, but I had to do it for my culture. Right. (audience laughing) So this girlfriend, how long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? Three years. Three years, and you've never once gone down there and given it a little smooch. Hasn't earned it. What do you mean earned it? This is, you're finding a hidey with double thumbs down over there. Okay. I like that. You got to earn, you want me to eat your pussy? You got to earn it. Thank you. What do you want to tell her? Tears to be shit. Level one, level two. (buzzer) Final, final question, Zach. Do you got it, man? Take us through the process of earning your pussy eating. What exactly does a woman have to do? Well, just be there. Well, that's not work. Listen a bit. Listen a bit. The Syrian is coming through everybody. I don't know if you've ever met a Syrian guy before. Don't you bitch. Shut the fuck up. I'll eat your pussy. Yeah. (audience laughing) This is absolute. Well, so let's say she does earn it. Yeah. How will you bless her when that day comes? He will, he'll let her do it again. Yeah, that's it, that's all right, right? What? Let her do one again. No, you don't know. That's how you earn the trust? Hold on, what? I don't know. Let Sam-- This is my second drink. Hold on, Sam. Ask that question again, Donnell. Are you going to lay down in a rose bed? I mean, how is this, how are you going to make it worth her while for waiting out your tongue? Well, why are you going to fucking shave before you go down there? Yeah, probably not. Oh. How do you think you will know how to do it effectively if you've only done it once? You got to quit practicing on cucumbers. Yeah, well, that's step one. I'm going to quit practicing on cucumbers. Let me ask you this. You watch porn every once in a great while, right? Yeah, once in a great while. And you skip past all pussy eating things, right? Immediately. Do you skip past blow jobs? No, I check how it's going. And you'll watch insertion. You'll watch insertion, right? That is not gay. Hold on. Over here. You'll watch blow jobs, and you'll watch actual sex, right? No, now I don't watch blow jobs. You don't watch blow jobs? No, I do. You just changed it right then. You realize that there was a dick involved in both of the things that you've got. I thought that through. You were about to go, I only watched things with a dick in it. Not gay. That's what you were about to do. Kind of, yeah. Zach, I'm going to tell you this. I can't believe it. If I find out, you eat pussy. I'll have you back on immediately. As soon as you eat pussy, you let the producers here know, and you're doing another minute on Killtony. It is a-- it is as close as it gets. Your set was unbelievable. I'm giving you a big joke book, and I'm also sending you up to the little boy right now to get seen by Adamiga, because your set was so fun. Oh, yeah. Thank you, guys. Thank you. So send him up to Adamiga. You're a fantastic comedian. Do not let Adam find out that you don't need pussy for the love of God. Thanks, guys. Thank you. You're close to having a career. Don't ever tell anybody you don't eat pussy again. I was going to have him on the secret show and everything, but now I'm like, fuck that. You got to eat pussy. That's crazy. You have to eat pussy, unless you're gay. If you're gay, that's cool. We have gay, right? We've had gay golden ticket winners before. Tell me, he was so comfortable. You got to earn that. I respected that. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Why do you just eat pussy off the rip? How you doing? My name is-- [LAUGHTER] Oh, he's Stranger's pussy. And massage parlor, you know? Like, I don't give a fuck. [CHEERING] There goes Red Dan, everybody. A lot of people walk off after a big laugh. He goes, I'll lead a Stranger's pussy. And I'm a massage parlor. It's my time. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lucas Dwaynez, everybody. 60 seconds left, and I'm happy for Lucas Dwaynez. [APPLAUSE] Appreciate that. I'm really excited to be here. But I got to admit, I'm really nervous. A lot of people have suggested that I drink. But if you couldn't tell, I have a problem with my non-seation. And when I drink, I tend to slur. Blacks, Asians, Jews. [LAUGHTER] So I'm really into 69ing. [APPLAUSE] Yeah, there's nothing better than a bitch dropping her fat dumper on your face while you're reading her the Quran. [LAUGHTER] But you know, like everyone, I get, you know, it gets hot, you know? So what I like to-- what I started doing, I guess, is I started blowing air into their asses. [LAUGHTER] So when it comes back out, you know, I get a nice breeze. [LAUGHTER] I think that's my time, right? Appreciate it. Lucas Dwaynez. All right, Lucas. Good work. Thank you. I appreciate that. My favorite part of this set was when you said you loved 69ing, nothing better than a dumper on your face. And then you said, for some reason, reading the Quran. Why? Why would you be reading that? The tongue movements. I don't know what the fuck they do, like, you know, like-- You don't say. Like the-- whatever, like, you know, whatever they have. Muslims, muslims and shit. Turns out Middle Eastern guys hate eating. I know, yeah. Yeah, I know this set. I'd already planned that prior to this fucking-- [BEEP] [LAUGHTER] Amazing. Lucas, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started in January. Wow. You're very congratulations. It is solid. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I know. I live in South of San Antonio. That's where I've been performing in San Antonio. South of San Antonio, so Mexico? [LAUGHTER] That's awesome. Yeah. Lucas, what do you do for work? What type of landscaping do you do for work? Home depot, definitely. What do you do, Lucas? Right now, I am unemployed. I do door-dash in favor. OK. You have any assault and batteries? Are anything on door-dash? Not yet. Not yet. How old are you? I just turned 34. 34. You have a girlfriend? No, I do not. How long have you been single for? About two years? No. Two years. Do you go on dates? Every now and then, yeah? Last date you went on. How'd that go for you? I mean, I ended up reading the Quran. [LAUGHTER] Really? How did that happen? Take us through the process of this happening. What was this on 9/11? Oh, let's see. It was a couple of weeks ago. We actually came down to the River Walk. Oh, I don't know why I thought it was in San Antonio. Jesus. We went to the River Walk and just went back to my place. You didn't really read the Quran. I did. How did you end up reading the Quran? Well, I meant, like, she sat on my face and I read it. I got it. Got it. That was just making sure. Yeah. So, that was a first-time date? Yeah. Yeah. And you ended up telling me, oh, girls. Six seasons. Or easy. First date. Sixty-nine. Yeah. She was also Latino, correct? No, no. It was a white girl. Yes, sir. Wow. Look at you. Absolutely nailing it. and San Antonio. - Trust that a white bitch to read to Karan is dangerous. (audience laughing) - She's been radicalized. - So where'd you take this girl? Teach these people. There's so many people that struggle with dating and with finding true love. Tell them your secret to going on our first date and having a white girl set on your face afterwards. - What did you do that night? - Like I said, we just went to the rear walk. We'd already kind of been talking like several weeks prior. - And so I guess-- - On like a dating app or something. - Yeah, yeah. - Wow. And what did you tell her about yourself? - Mm, did I do comedy? I guess. - You didn't tell her door dash or anything like that? - Well at the time I had a job. I had a job like when we met and then like a couple weeks later I, you know, I walked up. - What was the job? - I worked at Waterburger. - You worked at Waterburger? - Yes, I did. - Fuck yeah, you know what? I'm about to sit on your face, dude. I fucking love Waterburger. Why women will rescue anything? They rescued you. (laughing) - That's awesome. - That's fucking funny. - How did you, you walked off at Waterburger? - I did, yeah. - Was it during a shift? - It was. - Oh, tell us about this. Please, for the love of God, I love this. - It's really not interesting. I wish it was. - It is interesting. You just don't think it's interesting, but trust me, it's very interesting to us. - Um, I don't know. The manager got mad because I said that like one of the, like he has a, I guess there's a rule now where like not supposed to call out like numbers, like for like the order and I'm like, why do we give him the number then, you know? - Uh-huh. - They don't want us to call like the names or the numbers? - How did they communicate when the order's done? - That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. - They go to the, - I'm going to my chief fast food course, fun and brine red band here. - Waterburger gives you a big number thing. They just go out and give it to you by like looking at the number. They don't want to yell it out, so. - Ah. - And so I got in trouble for yelling it out. - That makes sense. You didn't want to walk it out to them. You wanted them to come up to you. - Well, to the counter, at least, I mean. - Well, I mean, right. Because like, there's times, you know, you take it out to them and then they're like, oh, I want, you know, catch up or whatever. And it's like, now I got to walk all the way back. - You didn't want to do the job that entails your job at a Waterburger Sam talent. - Essentially. - Oh. - Oh, no, no, I was just-- - Oh, okay. I think he was right though. The story's not interesting. - I'm sorry. - I love it. There's a little bit of Waterburger culture there. It's very interesting. In and out calls the numbers, correct red band? - Yeah, it's annoying as fuck, too. - That's the one I need to go to. I am, they get cocky late at night. It's like, motherfucker, I'm looking at you. You got to hit the computer. - Like, why can't you communicate with the mom fucker? You, I want to be like this. But extra mayonnaise is a catch up on my shit. And then you make us go and hit the fucking thing. Why do you do that? - No one knows what you're talking about, don't know. - Let's check in with the red band or senior fast food correspondent. Which fast food place has the best delivery system red band? - Yeah, I mean, what you're talking about is more of a McDonald's things, where you have a computer or a machine. - Thank you. - Yeah, waterburger. - Fuck up. - Or an old make rainbow for you. (laughing) - You understood what I was saying, red band. I was just-- - I think Chick-fil-A has an excellent system. They make me feel welcome. - My plan. You're not on a Sunday. - Lucas, what's the most interesting thing about your life? What's a fun fact? Do you have any special skills or talents and any near death experiences? Anything crazy? - Shit, talent, no. I hydroplane one time in my car. - You are indeed 100% Mexican, congratulations. What do you do for fun, Lucas? - Aside from this, I hate to use the joke, but read the Quran. - Wait, why are you reading the Quran? I mean, is this just your way of saying, having white girls sit on your face? - Yes. - Okay, 100%. - It's an interesting way. Back to the well, it's not dry yet. - Thank you. - Okay, Lucas. Very good set, especially for starting in January. Here's a big joke book, my friend. There you go. I really appreciate it. We're going to keep it moving along. Now, my interviews are running too long. We have to fly through some more bucket cool things. - Now, I think the stories are terrible. - That's all. It's not on you, man. It happens, it happens. Sometimes-- - It doesn't happen, Tony. A white woman reading the Quran and sitting on faces. That's not a real story. - He was using the word Quran as an indicator that white girls-- - You don't have to do your hand like arrogant white man when you sit at, he was explaining something that's non-governmental done at all. - Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. (upbeat music) - Man, we do not make women come. It's a scientific fact that 90% of women do not come from penetration. Trust me, I do my research, I read cosmopolitan. I'm gonna tell you what you do, though. If you hear what a woman tonight go to her side of the bed, she'd keep a junk over there for a reason she don't want to bother messing with her stuff. Reach up under the bed, it's gonna be a box up under there. Pull that box out. When you open up that box, gonna light up like the Holy Grail. You'd be like, what the fuck is this? Inside that box, gonna be a rose that didn't come from the garden. A wall and no wizard. Bullets that don't go in guns. That's what's making her come. I've been my wife 15 years married to a teen. Playing the time we've had sex, I fell asleep feeling real good about myself. Like, yeah, I did that. I woke up, I heard. I just hold a hand for more support. Like, do your thing, girl. Do your thing. Thank you. Wow, Alvin Perry. - Amazing. Easy breezy, you make it look so easy. We've had some rough fucker pulls today. - Thank you, thank you. - You have a great time in great delivery system. Great fucking everything. An unceasing fucking, I mean, absolutely fucking everything. - No, I'm serious. - I get it, I get it. - I've been hanging out with Donnell and young Benson all night. - That's my uncle right there. We look just alike. - I mean, I didn't want to say it. - To me you do. - When I realized what his whole show, nobody's even pussy. - I am. - Okay, that makes sense. - You say eat pussy? - Oh yeah, everybody's eating pussy. - I'm definitely a pussy. - Yeah. - The whole band eats pussy. Look at Carlos Soso over there. I mean, Jesus Christ. - You eat a pussy. You eat a pussy. Everybody eats a pussy. - Everybody eats a pussy. - Everybody, everybody. - Yeah. - Can you imagine having your pussy eaten by a saxophone player? - Yeah. - Oh my gosh. - Yeah. - What's my guy's name right now? - D. Madness. - D. Madness. - D. Madness. - You think you eat some pussy and you're actually looking at him for it? - Oh my God. No way, Jose. No way. He would never in a million years. D. Madness loves eating pussy. Am I right D? (laughing) - Yes, absolutely. You could tell because he looks to the other direction when he said yes. (laughing) Okay, red band. (laughing) Alvin, I love your style, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? - I've been doing stand-up for about 14 years, but I've been a comedian for about four years. - I love it. So explain to me how you've been doing stand-up for 14, but a comedian for four years. - Confusing. - 'Cause yeah. - 'Cause someone ate a Delta 8 edible before he said. (laughing) - 'Cause prior to four years ago, I was just getting up saying anything. I didn't really have no structure to what I was doing. - Wow, I love that. Look at that. That's the first time anybody's ever answered super honestly on this show. That is incredible. - Thank you. - Very smart. - I grew up in church. (laughing) - AKA, he was on papers. He was on paper, yeah. - So Alvin Perry, what do you do for work? - Well, two years ago, I quit my job to pursue comedy full of time, which was foolish. (laughing) So I started a handyman business, so I hauled junk and I had fixed stuff. - Okay, professional robber. (laughing) Okay, is that you're like workier? You're wearing workier? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came from work. - Sure, yeah, yeah. - So, I sure, I was like, that's construction company. (laughing) - I thought Young Spence got away from the car? - Yeah, yeah. - Not in that shirt, you can't. - Well, it's like a jumpsuit for jail. - So, Alvin. This is your own business that you started two years ago? - Well, I mean, it's not, you know, I ain't paying no taxes, so, yes. (laughing) - Shut the fuck up. (laughing) - Hey, that's supposed to note that. - Alvin, are you based set of Austin? - No, San Antonio. - Okay, San Antonio. - Big night for San Antonio. - Ain't anybody for San Antonio, yeah? (cheering) - Yeah. - Three black people. - It's only an hour away. (laughing) Is that where you're born and raised San Antonio? - Yes, sir. - I love it, I love it, Alvin. What job did you quit two years ago to start this own business? - I was working at a church. - What were you doing at the church? - I was a maintenance man. I was the maintenance of a lot of this. - And a center, too. - You do what? - A center. - A center. - A center? - I had to jack off in the bathroom. (laughing) (laughing) - You like this look at God? (laughing) - What are you doing? - Yes, he will. - And my God is a good God. (upbeat music) - A jack-in-off in a bathroom. (upbeat music) - Jack-in-off will kill Tony. (upbeat music) - I'm never gonna eat pussy. (upbeat music) - You won't do it, yes, he will. (upbeat music) - Amazing. - Alvin said it was the bathroom. - Yeah, and God was watching. He seemed some stuff he shouldn't have seen. (laughing) - Why me what else could did he see? (laughing) - You put a finger up your butt or something? (laughing) You get into your girl's box? bring a little something to the church with you. -No, I just watch porn and just jack off, that's all. [ Laughter ] -What kind of porn do you like to watch out for? [ Laughter ] -What do you put in that search bar when you're looking for something good? [ Laughter ] -That's my way of avoiding the question. [ Laughter ] -I'm going to ask it again. [ Laughter ] -Redban here is implying that you might like bigger women. -Or BCL? -No, I like all type of porn, but I just -- I mostly only watch black men having sex with anybody. That's not -- -Okay. -Anybody is what? -This way you can put yourself in the position of the black men. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -When you say anybody. -Any woman. -Yeah, right. I know any woman. But you must have some type of preference. -But no, I particularly like lesbian porn also. That's like my main thing. -Okay. -I mean, can you imagine what fucking Zach Myers would do with lesbian porn? Let's just think about that for a second. -Oh, yeah. -Just two women eating each other's pussies. I mean, that is -- that must be hell for that guy. -Yeah. -Can you imagine? -That's his first impression. -This is so gay. [ Laughter ] This is the gayest thing I've ever seen. -That lesbian porn is dope, though. -No, no. We agree with you, my dear friend. -You should have seen this other guy, though. He would have hated it. -Yeah. -He would have to watch it like the end of clockwork orange with a trucker. [ Laughter ] -Yeah. -And then they have, like, a seismic rap hooked up to his dick to see if it gets hard at all? -Yeah. He was the only other comedian that did good out of the -- really good out of the bucket tonight. -I appreciate it. -I appreciate it. -No, you and the other guy, I'm saying, he had a great interview and then we found out he absolutely refuses to eat pussy. What are your thoughts about this? -That is crazy. -That's what I was saying. -You know, you want to know what he said, Alvin? You want to know what he said? -What is that? -He said that eating pussy -- get ready for this. -Is gay. -Homosexual. -Yeah. -He must don't know that that's like a reverse psychology. -That's right. -I'm the eating pussy and ass for a long time. -I love that. -Alvin and ass. -And ass. -That's the next level. -Pussy and ass. -Tell us more about your pussy and ass eating. -Even if you taste some pussy and it tastes like a non-vote battery, you still keep going. -No, no, no, Tony, can I say something? -Let me say something. -He's a pussy. When did you start doing this shit with a pussy? -He's like, "Well, you eat pussy and ass." -Wow. -He can't Italian for a minute. -The first time I ate some ass, like I had been hearing about it, and I was like, "Fuck it, let me try it." So I called my girlfriend and she was like, "I got out the shower." And I was like, "Perfect." Because you don't want to eat the ass. -Right. -The first time it was ass-correct. -Yeah. -Once I tasted that ass, it was cool. I was like, "Yeah." -I like this. -It's like blue cheese. -This is the shittiest story I heard this old show. -This is incredible. -It doesn't taste like a battery because your teeth taste that way. -No. -You know what I'm saying? -And do you madness? You can lick a hemorrhoid like a clip. It's the same thing. -I don't know why you keep taking shots at the madness over here. -You're doing so well. -Dee's Show When You Love. -I love it. Alvin Perry. So you eat pussy, you eat ass. I mean, all the boxes are checked here. You're absolutely amazing. -This is a new level of black, man. I've never heard a black man go public. Is it an e-pussy and ass? -It's incredible. -First you guys had a president of the United States. And now you're eating pussy and ass. Who knows what's next. It looks like things are looking up for the black man. -It's healing. -That's right. -I'm not having you on the secret show third. -Whoa, look at that. [ Cheers and applause ] -Absolutely. Alvin, you're an instant legend on this show. We hope you keep signing up. Come back for more, all right? -I appreciate that. -There goes the great Alvin Perry, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds on interrupted, going to Joel Cash. Everybody, Joel Cash. [ Cheers and applause ] -If you like penis collages. That's it. That's the song my sister sings. So my name's Joel Cash. I'm from Indiana. It's better to be from it than in it. I grew up with a dad who says stuff that I can't tell if it's really idioms or if it's just shit my dad says. Like, if he's hungry, he'll say, "I'm so hungry I could fall through my butt hole and eat myself." [ Laughter ] And if you tell him you're hungry, he'll say, "Find a corner and bite the wall." [ Laughter ] People used to come to my mom for advice because their lives were falling apart. I say used to because my mom is not alive anymore. That, well, you know, I don't know if you know that's how this works. You don't stay alive forever. But I'm getting aww about that. But no, but she used to get a lot of people coming to her when their lives were falling apart. And, you know, you can't call -- I can't call my mom to talk about my mom dying, but I can talk to my dad about his 102-year-old mother that still lives with him. Joel Cash, using all of his time. I heard an actual empty can drop during your set. That's how you know things aren't going so good. I like when you're having a tough set. Then you do the classic showbiz bailout of reminding everyone they're going to die. That's -- [ Laughter ] That's classic vibe. I didn't expect an aww about that. It happens, Joel. It happens. Welcome to Kill Tony. This is your first time on "Correct." How long have you been on "Standup?" Four weeks. Four weeks. What made you want to -- how old are you? 44. What made you want to start? Four weeks ago. In a place where I can do that. Austin, Texas. Yeah, we just moved here. Who's we? My family. My wife and three kids. Oh, nice. Congratulations. I'm a dog trainer. Wow. A dog trainer. Really? Are you good at it? I'm better at it than I am with this. Well, you can still really suck at it. Hey. I really good. No, no. As a dog trainer, have you ever said, "Don't worry. I'm going to put this bitch in its place." No, you're not supposed to say bitches anymore about dogs, I guess. God, the woke left. I know. It's really something else. Joel, you're able to make a full-time living training dogs. Yeah. And where were you before Austin, Texas? We were in Indiana. What part of Indiana? The part you don't want to be in. Indiana? Scary. Indiana. No. That's the part nobody wants to be in. No. I'm from West Lafayette. Do you have any pussy in West Lafayette? They do. How long have you been with your wife? A long, long time. 26 years. 26 years. Holy fucking shit. Wow. 44. Is that the only woman you've ever been with? Okay. All right. Dog training is wild out there. But here's my point that I'm getting out. This is a pussy-eating, heavy episode. I heard that. Yeah. They told they warned you. I think, well, I mean, I live in Austin. I've been going to the mics. And that's all a lot of these dudes talk about. Is how they're scared of eating pussy, which is just a. That's a thing. That's a thing. That's a thing. You hear a lot of these dudes say that. It's kind of funny because it's a. That's just a way of telling everybody that you're gay. Yeah. Absolutely. You know what? Joel. Maybe I need to earn it. Wow. Oh, earn it. You can't just go out eating pussy. Earn it. Yeah. So, twenties. Oh, I live in. Twenty-six years. You're with the same woman. Obviously, you're a pussy eater. Give us some more advice on how to keep things fresh in the bedroom. For 26 years. With the same human being. How do you do it? You listen. Whoa. Fucking listen. And you ask questions. Wait. What did you say? Fucking listen. Man, that's the gayest shit I've ever heard in my life. That's a tool woman. That's a tool woman. Alright. Wow. Old Donnell, no comorollins over here. I got yelled at. I got yelled at recently for calling a woman a woman. What happened there, exactly? I went to an open mic where I, you know, wasn't just like 12 dudes named Brasen. And I was like, you know what? Thank you for doing this. I'm really excited about it. It's nice to get my material up in front of a room full of women. And she just goes, don't call us women. I didn't know that was a thing you couldn't say. What the fuck? I called my sister. And I asked her about it. And she said, I don't know about that. But I mean, female is one that bothers me because it makes you feel like you're less than male. But you like that because you're a dog guy. Yeah, I just don't think it makes sense that female is less than because if anything, you're adding iron, which is a coagulant. Coagulants sound like some sticky calm. I just got well coagulant. Coagulant wasn't that one of the emperors of romance, some shit. I knew Donnell was going to have some coagulant. Wasn't that the emperor that lit the city on fire, some shit? That's the guy. I got coagulant. That's right. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know what it's like to get my period, but I mean, I know my period. Just say what the fuck you want to say. I did. I know my periodic table. That's all I'm saying. Going on right now. Speaking of words. Speaking of periods, you're getting a little red joke about my friend. If this is something you want to do, keep practicing. Sign up again sometime. I will. The bucket works in mysterious ways. There's your first Kilt Tony appearance by Joel Cash. Four weeks into his career. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I had this one. Sat aside for me. name. Satisfied for me the entire episode because I'm so excited to bring up this comedian. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Juanita. You sent me outside. Ladies and gentlemen, wait for the interview. 60 seconds uninterrupted. One more time for Juanita everybody. I am a transgender woman! I am brave. Buying $13 dresses at Ross is brave. How many of you in here have a vagina? Make noise! Dude, I want one so bad. I want to piss you so bad. There's women getting like a surgery called Vagio Plasty. They're trimming their lips off and I'm over here like you're gonna finish that? I'm trying to get a little to-go box. Donnell, box is a euphemism for Vagana. Juanita ladies and gentlemen, for those to be the might not know. You go from eat pussy to Juanita! Donnell, I don't want a cock block. You want my chair? You are an asshole! I knew you was doing something. You was like this. For those to be the don't know, the last time Juanita and Donnell were on stage. Juanita talked about how nobody wants to fuck me, basically kind of set up. What was it? We were called on. It was something kind of like that. I thought I was talking about how I dropped out of high school and I joined a touring Catholic ministry. Then the joke was, what was it? You say it. I said, "We don't have to sing it. Because YouTube sets it up." We will, we will praise you and then he said, "We will, we will fuck you from Black Eyed." Yes, it is. Yes, that was the fuck I said. No, hold on, Donnell. Shut the fuck up. Donnell, donnell. We're on the receipts. I got it. The set up was basically no one wants to fuck me, blah, blah, blah. Then she did the song and then you said, on behalf of Black Men, we will, we will fuck you. And then I go, Donnell, she has a penis. And Donnell was in shock because Donnell realized that 4 million people were about to see him say that he will fuck Juanita who he thought was a woman because she didn't mention anything about being trans at all. Donnell got tricked like a motherfucker. I was using my peripheral vision. I said, I live in the Midwest and I know some bitches from Dollar General that look like Juanita. That's what I said. And then I was like this. And then I was like, "Oh, I didn't talk to you. You was so happy, son." And I was like, because I was like, because I'm gonna tell you. I did say that. Oh, the whole room was half of the bleb. I was like, we will. And I was like this. I had white veins coming out of me. Oh, he was ready. I was like, we will fuck you. Yeah. Tony sit back like this. You get a load of that. Then next thing you know, Juanita was in my DM for three motherfucking weeks. Talking about we can go on a road together. And I was like, I can't. I can't. I was like, you're moving too fast, Juanita. And he was like, this. Donnell, I'm gonna open for you one day. He had a dress on with his dick. I was like, no, I need it. No. Oh my God. For your fans that want to try to be like, yeah, you were talking to Juanita. What are they? I respect where you came from, where you going or whatever. And I was fucked. The shit you say was funny. I didn't take it personal. Oh, what? I did block you for the first two weeks. Meiji, turn your mic. Yeah. And that all of a sudden your curiosity got the best thing. No, shut the fuck up. I'm a pussy eater. I'm from the Sam Kinnison era of pussy. Well, you be careful. She does. She's one go fund me away from having you eat her pussy. You're gonna be practicing the Korean. What fucking happened to our bond? I'm not sure. Just like, why do you switch to me that quick? Oh, remember these days? My goodness. Remember those days? Juanita, let me start off by saying this. We've had you on this show obviously out of the bucket numerous times. Tonight was a special occasion. I don't, I don't even think. Yeah. Hold on, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. It messes up the YouTube. Uh, we have. I don't want to have to pay the fucking Supremes for this episode or whoever's saying that fucking song. The jokes were very good too. I was just going to say Juanita. I mean, it's incredible. It's almost a night and day difference. You've always been very interesting during the interviews, obviously. But tonight's set was fucking rock solid. It shows that you've been practicing. Thank you. It was fucking hilarious. That's my favorite transmitted. I think we've ever had you looking at me like this. Do you want me to say something special? She's really funny, Donnell. And you do have a lot of road dates coming up, including a hilarious DMGM grand. I mean, Vegas, Vegas. I will say this. They tried this, not this, but they've tried to use things against me like, yeah, we heard what you want. That's my impression of your fans. Yeah. No, that's the fucking breakfast club. That's those people. Hey, no, your fans be like this. They're mean to me. You know, they're hilarious. They're, they're mean to me. No, they're mean to me. They called me Dave Supil's Bud Club for three years. That's a nice pony. Dave Supil's Bud Club. Like I just pop out of Dave as I pie. I mean, they are mean to me. You fucking know it. We said the same thing about Matt Mewling today. It's a new nickname every episode. We called him the human butt plug. Oh, we don't need shit. They are mean to me. Well, I need to clearly you've been practicing a lot. You've been doing a lot of work. Tell Donnell which city you want to go to. I'll put you on the show. I want to go to LA. Nah, nigga. We going to Ohio, nigga. We going to San Francisco, nigga. Not today, devil. Not today, devil. Oh, dad, nigga. We ain't doing that, nigga. Not today. My God is a good God. I can't take what needed to LA. I can take it to San Francisco. I can take it to the West Village. I can't take that Mr. Compton. What? Only do it, yes he will. Not today, devil. Not today. Even a blind man can see that's not a good idea. Nothing like this. I don't think you should do that. Don't do that. I ain't see what needed but I felt more as the other week. You offered. She moved. Oh my God. She said Los Angeles. Oh my God. You couldn't say to any other city on here. Oh my God. You know what, Donnell? I have bad news, Donnell. You are no longer the worst guest in the show's history. That was absolutely incredible. That no N word on LA. Can I sit? You guys understand why that's hilarious, right? It's a city of beautiful people. the industry of show business. You can't really be walking around with the lovely one. Tell me, can I have a moment? Yes, absolutely. I want to have a moment that I tried to rob Schneider, ruined it the last time we were doing it. I was trying to tell you how much I love you. Listen, and I'm telling you, I shouldn't-- I should not give a fuck about these people. But I do. For four years, every time I've done this show, I-- [APPLAUSE] Every-- OK, I'm going to get emotional for five years. Five years from the pandemic with nobody wanting to do this fucking show. Nobody wanted to do it back then. I stood up for you. You. That is true. You, you, true, true. And I showed up for you, and nobody wanted to show up. It was only William Montgomery. That is true. And how you paid me back? You told all these assholes and assholes and assholes that-- Listen, not motherfuckers. I was the walk-off king. Walk-off. You told people I crashed out. Crashed out legendary. You went on Joe-- You went on Joe Rogas' podcast and you fucking doubled down. And all these white people believed you. White people believe you, Tony. They disconnected with me, fucking Tony. And I said, I just want to be here. I said, and for four fucking years, I've been trying so much to get this fucking killed, Tony, audience to like me. I kept on the audience, appreciate me. And when I did-- When I did, I tried to appease these crackers. A piece, the crackers. And I do know what appeased me, so I could use it in sentence. A piece, they said, fuck you. They went on a fucking Instagram post. A core moment with my fucking son. I never told you this, Tony. But I was teaching my son how to ride a bike. And I thought I was safe from a criticism from your fucking audience. The audience had you built for 15, 5 years. And they went on the page with my son at a core moment. And they said, well, I'm glad his son found me learned how to ride a bike, because when his dad walks out of his life. And the last memory your fucking audience has with me is me saying, we will, we will, fuck you. They know it. Thank you. That wasn't for you, what? Shut the fuck up, nigga. I'm still the real nigga, what need is shut up. Oh my god, you're fucking-- you're literally killing me tonight, don't know. Oh my god, this chemistry that you and Juanita have is-- There's no chemistry. There's no fucking chemistry. This is it. You guys are really all right. Don't shit that fucking-- That's really incredible. Rap is like, we're going to make a million. What the-- No, I know. What the fuck is going on? Oh my god, no, it's not, no, put it down. If you want a gun, Juanita's got one, between her legs. [GUNSHOTS] [GUNSHOTS] Got a little, got a little nine millimeter there waiting for it. Smash and grab it. We're in Texas. The lovely Juanita, congratulations. Here's a big joke, but-- Check out Juanita has a podcast called The Whiskey Hole, right? You have a podcast. You have a podcast, a live show. What the fuck is this enough? That's not all she has, honey. You did this to me. That's what-- we'll just put that there for now. Oh my god, holy shit. I'm surprised that's not loaded. Well, doubt it been so fucking cool. If I would have came off, killed Tony. Killed Tony. It would have been crazy. Like the Bruce Lee ship. Many people dream of such a situation. Juanita, congratulations. Thank you so much. The lovely Juanita, everybody. Thank you. Believe it or not, we have one last comedian that just comes in and absolutely crushes. We are his biggest fans. You are his biggest fans. I mean, he's a freak of nature. He is-- you know, he has to write in for fun. I don't trust you anymore, bro. Yeah, who's next? Juana, man? And you was-- oh, night. You was like, la, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Our next guest coming up, Rana. You are evil friends. Our final comedian of the night is truly one of the best in the world right now. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. We get to all just sit our mics down and enjoy the anomaly. The real deal is Pat O'Neil, ladies and gentlemen. [CHEERING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Folks. [CHEERING] They-- folks, I'm an old school kind of guy. You know? So the first time a gal told me to slide in her DMs, I was like, I'd prefer your cunt. What's the M stand for? I'm an American sweet art. Only things I slide into are home played and pussy. [CHEERING] [CHEERING] Ended up taking her out on a date. She told me she was looking to settle down. I was like, good, you haven't stopped talking. Fucking-- take a Zanax bitch. I'm sick of this shit. [LAUGHTER] And you know, some people are starting to have AI chatbot girlfriends now. And in 2024, a young man in Florida was convinced to kill himself by one. Just like a real woman. The technology is getting there slowly but surely. OK, thank you. Holy shit. Wow. [CHEERING] Pat, I'm an enormous fan. I love that you tell funny jokes. Thanks, Pat. Good man. It is absolutely incredible, Pat. That is, I can say with basically-- I don't think any hesitation. I do believe that is the loudest pop. And the longest, loudest pop from the crowd. I've ever heard. To watch it grow every single week is absolutely incredible. What's happening with the industry and how things are, the fact that we have a weekly show and you come out and slaughter to watch your growth is incredible. To watch you be able to follow those expectations and have us all cracking up when I thought I was unable to laugh after Donnell told Juanita-- Your girlfriend's looking good. [LAUGHTER] You know what? No homo. I'm still thinking about Juanita right now. But I will say the last time I was here, I don't really-- I watched the show, but I don't see that like every week. And like the way these people received you, even the last time I was here, you cracked a joke on me and it was fucking funny. And now I'm seeing you like, you got bitches now, so-- Thank you, sir. Do you have bitches now? You were bitches is confusing this shit. I'm standing like, you're like, how did he ever do that? But I see your growth. You doing well for yourself. I mean, I can't say anything. It's nothing that I could say after Donnellita's shit, that part of the show. But I will say you're funny by the fucker. Thank you, Donnell. Straight out top dog law, too. I fucking-- I got the references. Thank you. Better going on the road. Are you doing road dates? Yeah, yeah, I'm going start next week in Tulsa. Have you done got most of them sold yeah? One person's going to jail with you tonight Pat you are the absolute fucking man You have a hot yeah you in Tulsa Podcast I'm gonna look this way The podcast is Ray Guy Tards. He's on tour. He's on the killers. I don't need a late this year and throughout next year Coming up for sure. I know that for a fact Pat O'Neill is taking over everything say something Tony. Yes, absolutely that you take this so seriously You're not blowing the opportunity. I just really admire that you're you know using this platform to be funny and tell jokes Thank you so nice the other episode you're on fucking. It's very hard. It's very hard Don I was on when I got the golden ticket and Sam was on when I got regular. Wow I'm cool. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, wow. That's unbelievable. I had no idea what a wild coincidence and Pat I mean it is unbelievable to see what's happening here and with the expectations like I said it's hard to stay number one It's hard whether it's UFC boxing stand up. Obviously as we saw this weekend football the number one team The Ohio State Buckeyes lost to the Texas Longhorns It's hard to stay Number one and in my mind and I think in the anybody with fucking commonsense watching a weekly show The fact that you're not chilling and like you know kind of phoning it in or anything You're riding the wave being competitive with yourself. I think you see you're only competing with yourself Which is what everybody's doing in art. No, he's he's competing with Juanita But you are the absolute man. I can't say it enough. The great Pat O'Neill ladies and gentlemen I've had ever since Juanita asked to go to LA and you told her no my nose has been leaking like I have a nose leak from I I think I blew a blood vessel in my brain from laughing and I saw Troy over my shoulder You have pictures of that, don't you? I went that way for some reason when shit gets crazy. I go that way How about a hand for Don L. Rowling's ladies and gentlemen? Don L. Rowling's calm mgm Grant Thanksgiving Day weekend Cleveland Hilarities October 16th and 17th the Don L. Rowling show available everywhere You are unbelievable. I've always loved you I fucking love you more than ever. You're just a freak of nature. I appreciate our friendship and I appreciate what you do for comedy Giving people to platform To fucking shine hell yeah, I appreciate one more time for the great and powerful one of the greatest guests in the history of the show Sam Talon everybody That is talent with two elves his website is Sam Talon dot com Brute is an unbelievable novel. I'm positive of this. He is a fucking brilliant mind He is a genius if you ever enjoyed a book in your life pre-order brute right now It's available on sale everywhere September 22nd, but pre-order it now show your love. He's made you laugh Tens and tens of times as a guest on this show. He's also at Hilarities on Wait, do I have your dates max? I've been Hilarities this weekend. Oh this weekend. You heard it here I made him laugh tens of tens of times. No, you've been on the show tens and tens of times. That's what I was saying One more time for the great Sam talent everybody with talent with two elves. He is the man We have a Dallas Shit next Saturday that is Saturday, September 26th in Dallas We are in Houston October 17th. We are in Vegas at the MGM grand November 13th and 14 those are huge shows and of course New Year's Eve at the Moody Center doing an arena in our hometown for the fourth year in a row red band And check out the sunset strip right next door sunset strip ATX dot com secret show every Thursday Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all sitting around laughing. Whoa so Rogan. Oh my goodness Our dear cult leader our dear cult leader Joe Rogan. We bend the knee. We sacrifice babies for Joe We love you guys good night everybody. Thank you. Oh, we stood let's go You You You