#784 - YAKOV SMIRNOFF + ARI MATTI

Hey, this is RedBam, and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey y'all, it's time for another huge Killtony ticket drop, and it is happening on the 9th of September at New. You can get tickets starting on September 21st all the way through December 28th. Again, those tickets, all for the mothership, all for the Mondays at the mothership. Go on sale on the 9th of September at New Central Standard Time. Good luck. Go to ComedyMothership.com for tickets. Hey, this is Remind, coming to laugh on the ComedyMothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Killtony, come here for TonyHanscliff! Who's the ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Make sure to bring right behind you for the job. He and the best damn band in all the land. That's the Killtony band right there. Rao Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Nachos Belgrante. Michael Gonzales on the drums. The Panda Bear, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John Bees on the keys. And this is the one and only de-madness, live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Lordy! Another banger, ready for you here tonight. This is it. Welcome everyone to the number one live podcast in the world. We get it. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's show possible. Hi, everybody. Killtony is sponsored by Blue Choo. So you want to make your bedroom noisy again? I know you do, you little freaks. Because right now, the only noise in your bedroom is that app with the rain sounds, a thunderstorm, babbling brook. Come on! 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You will also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechoo.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the podcast and the bedroom. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something we just launched Kill Tony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scenes stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to KilltonySupercast.com. All right. Back to the show. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Every single week. I booked this puppy just the way I like it and my god is this one special. You know, sometimes it's sometimes it's the dogs. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's a little bit of a, you know, maybe it's a little hip. Maybe it's a little old school. Maybe it's a little this, a little that. Maybe it's a fucking couple celebrities. Maybe it's a couple of the top young guys and comedians in the world. This one is so special because one of our guests is an actual fucking super legend. Tonight show multiple time movies. Four US presidents have hired him to perform for him. I could go on and on. Four six million people have gone to his theater in Branson, Missouri. And I mean a fucking legend is a comedy store guy. He has not only his name on the wall, but he has one of the, I think, 10 big neons up there with Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, all of these super legends. He's one of those guys from that era. And he's here tonight for the first time ever. I've matched him up strategically with truly the biggest, fastest top rising comedian in the world. A man who has, there's nothing that can stop his trajectory from being the next big arena comic. Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight are Yakov Smirnoff and Ari Matini. Yeah, maybe, there he is, the legend Yakov Smirnoff, the future, Ari Matini, oh my god. Oh yeah, oh my god, what a duo. Last week, I had the number one white urban comedian in the world, Gary Owen and a black man, Brian Simpson, and tonight to show you the diversity of our bookings. I have the number one Russian comedian of all time, Yakov Smirnoff, and the number one Estonian comedian of all time, Ari Matini, this is Kill Tony. We are doing it tonight. I mean, this is absolutely incredible. I'm so pumped about it. Yakov Smirnoff has his own, this is a fucking guy. Most of these comedians, they fucking waste their money. They have a big pop. They go, they blow all their money. They fucking have drug problems. This, that not Yakov. He went and invested in beautiful Branson, Missouri, a giant theater. The Yakov theater and over six million people have gone in and out of those doors. How long has that been open, Yakov? I had it now for 30 years. 30 years. Yes, and I, you know, was performing in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe, everybody knew me as a Russian comedian, and then the Soviet Union collapsed. And that was not funny then. David Letterman had a top 10 list of things that will now change. I made number one on the list. Yakov Smirnoff will be out of work. Six months later, there was no contracts renewed. And I started looking for a place where they did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed. I ended up in Branson, Missouri. They still don't know. I'm not telling. Yakov, I'm so happy to have you here with the great Ari Matty of all people. An absolute future, Kyltoni Hall of Fame of the fuckers. He's on tour all around the country, as is Yakov, and things are very good. Ari, welcome back home. I love it so much. Everybody thinks I'm Russian too, you know? That's, is that good or bad? Dependent, am I Russian as I need to be, you know? The darker the alley, the thicker the accent, you know? There is problem. (audience laughs) - By the way, I'm at immigration. I'm like, "Hello," and then, (laughs) "Nix and 12!" - It's good to be home in America. - Yacoff, welcome. This is your first time on the show. First time on panel, you probably get it though. I pull a name out of the bucket. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up and you're the sign of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up. Then they're also bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. - Absolutely perfect. Over 250 people signed up tonight. I'm gonna let this guy whose eyes are way too close together. Pull the first hand out of the bucket. It's unbelievable. - Of course. - Because this guy's like a fucking cyclops over here. It's absolutely incredible. - Absolutely amazing. So while they go wrangle that first bucket pool, I'm excited that our first comedian tonight, while we go wrangle that first one, is literally one of the newest golden ticket winners on the show. In fact, his debut just aired last week. And he's cashing in already on his first effort. Golden ticket appearance. So this is the second effort minute. Make some noise for him. For Steve Francois, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. (upbeat music) I was raised in a toxic era, back when Democrats hated blacks and gays. (audience laughing) Home of phobic, ran a rampage. I said that the other day at a show and some gay dude got scared. I was like, bro, I'm the one with the phobia. You don't know how words work. (audience laughing) He's like, gee, I'm worried about my butthole. But like, nah, when you like a dude, right? And you in love, you do some gay shit. You get mad. You feel me? Like, when you like a girl, you be talking to who you start laying on your belly, kicking your feet like this. (audience laughing) Gay shit, you get mad. But like, when you really, really love her, do some real gay shit. Like, she suck your dick and you kiss her right after. You don't even hesitate. You like, gobble gobble, give me that dick, y'all. (audience laughing) Give me my dick, y'all love you, baby. (audience cheering) Hell yeah, Steve Francois, absolutely exactly a minute. This guy came down on the dock. Absolutely 60 seconds. Welcome back, Steve. How are you? I'm chilling, murder, how are you? Amazing, he calls me T-Murda. And anybody who doesn't, is straight disrespecting me at this point. - Violet, yo, violin. - I do it. - I love it, I love it, Steve Francois. You look fucking fantastic tonight. I don't know what corpse is missing a suit right now. (audience laughing) - That's it. - There is a, there is, in a funeral home, there is a naked man in a coffin right now. - Check me. (audience laughing) - Yo, murder. - Yeah. - Old racist white dudes got the best gear, bro. They got the best gear, brother. And like, even like the poor ones, too. Like the NASCAR shirts and the wrestling t-shirts go for big money on you. I'm fucking eBay, bro. - That's right, absolutely. - And also, if you dress terrible, hit me up, yo, I got you. - You are a fashionista, some would say. You are a man of great swagger. - Saying it's just a Haitian thing, bro. - It's a Haitian thing, sir. - Absolutely. I mean, what else are the Haitians known for? I don't know much about them other than the dogs and the cats, like. - We, the only black people, we don't actually, not even black people, we're the only people ever in the world to free themselves from, like, to self-liberate. - Oh, shit. - The only people ever in the world to ever do it. Who wanted you? - Ah. (laughing) - It was the French. It's easy to get away. - You don't even need to get the fuck out of here. - Fuck you. - Fuck you. - Fuck, dude. - Yo. - Yo, let me talk to you. - They're like, hey, we left the gate open. (audience laughing) - But let me tell you how fly we are. Like, Polish was supposed to come fuck us up. And they came and they're like, yo, these Haitians is real chill. Now we got like Haitians with green eyes and shit 'cause they never left. - Wow, beautiful combination. - So I'm saying, bro. (audience laughing) - That is incredible. - All right, it's like y'all about to make some baby. - Well, Polish and Haitian is not exactly like, you know, a killer combination. - Right. - Yeah. - The Polish are the Haitians of Euro. - Yeah! (laughing) - We just bought the pants, you know what I'm saying? - He's like, he's just support people. - He's like, you're both late and I'm a thief. Fuck. (audience laughing) - Yeah, not that smart, either. Lowest SAT scores in the world, but the most beautiful eyes. I mean, where else can you see a black person with green eyes? - Not too. Bro, like we all like Haitians in America, we'd be killing it, Jake. - What do you guys do? - My niece is like nurses, bro. - You're what? - My niece is the nurses. - They're nurses? - Yeah, bro. - Are they like real nurses? Or do they do like, do do and heal you or something like that? - No, they're like, N-Y-U-type shit. You got cancer, they sacrifice a goat. (laughing) Fuck. (laughing) - Yeah, we didn't leave Haiti to not fuck around. You know what I'm saying? You leave Haiti, you got to do some shit. - Have you been to Haiti? - Geez. - Oh, T murder. Come on now, have I been to Haiti? - Oh, it's like, I mean, when I was a baby, but you know, it's been a while. - Whoa, if you know that song, you're not Haitian anymore. - Oh, bro, come on. - You're straight American. That's on the citizenship test. You gotta know that, Ari Maddie. When you finally take this American test, it's been a while since I. - What did she just like? (laughing) - Honestly, I don't know. - You know? - No, there's not. (laughing) - I don't know, but what's interesting, being an American, my wife is from Ukraine, and she just became an American citizen, and she studied so hard for this test, and she aced it, and I decided I'd be an American long time, I should take it as well, I've gone. (laughing) I took it then, I failed. (laughing) - Wow. - Proves that now I'm real American. - Yeah, exactly. - It's a true American. (audience applauding) - They have to update that test, too. I picked that, too. It's like, that test is really hard. I had a mom on the study. - Yeah, like basketball. - Real shit. - It's a real fucking hard test. - Damn. It is? - Yeah. - I'm amazed that you have a Ukrainian wife. That's kind of naughty for a Russian guy to have a Ukrainian wife, huh? - Times looked adventurous. - Yeah, that's what we call hate fucking. (laughing) - No family reunion must be fun. (laughing) - And you have a one-year-old, is that right? - I do. - 75 years old, he has a one-year-old. - Holy shit, look at that. - God bless, God, it works. (laughing) - I love it. I grew up in your Chernobyl, that's all right. (laughing) - Oh my God. - You got that nuclear dick? - Hell yeah. - Yeah. - Hell yeah. - It's a boom. I love it. - Steve Francois, a way to get the show started. My friend, thank you very much. (audience applauding) - All right, here we go. First bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, the show begins with the comedy stylings. We're gonna meet 'em all together. Again, this could be the future. All of our stars we found out of this bucket. It could be the future superstar. It could be a crazy person that didn't prepare it all. But we're gonna give 'em a shot. Put your hands together for Frank McGill. (upbeat rock music) - What's up, Boston? (audience cheering) - Doing okay. You look lovely. Free my homies out of Penn State. They didn't do a damn thing wrong. But I will say, I've been in Austin, give her take two years, and it's crazy as hell. I watched Turtle Racing the other day, with a girl that I met on a hinge. I would later find out this is true story that she was a bookie. And I lost $292 on Turtle Races. I had no anticipation on telling that joke. It's not really a joke, it's just a story. But I guess if I had to say, one thing is, I'm so grateful for all of you. And especially, you killed Tony. Thank you so much for everything that you do. And the platform in which you've given me, I toured with Donnell Rollins last year. And it was just the craziest experience of my life that really was. He's a good dude. Despite our different ethnicities, he's good. But, I love all of you. Wow. Frank McGill, ladies and gentlemen, with 60 seconds plus. Frank, I mean, you thanked me. I love this show. He's a lovely message. Fuck you. It's so much better than the last time I was up here. That's what's crazy is I remember you, 'cause I remember absolutely see thing. I remember hating you so much. And then you come out tonight and you go, what's that Boston? You waste time. You go, you look great. No joke. You saw, I've been, what would you say about two years? You've lived here for two years. I've lived here for two years. I saw this girl that went to a turtle race. This girl's a bookie. I lost $250 turtle race. No joke, no joke, no joke. I'd like to thank you. You called me. called me the name of the show. I'd like to thank you, Kyltoni, for the platform that you've given me. And then nothing, nothing, more nothing. I have nothing after that, no notes after that. I remember when the show was a bunch of crackheads coming in from California. I was listening to the show. I remember when there was a bunch of spoiled white kids that didn't take the most of the opportunity. - Bought it. - 'Cause it's happening right now. You didn't do anything, Frank. Are you doing stand-up other places? - Yes, a little bit, yeah. - A little bit, yeah. - It seems like a very little bit. Let's check in with Yakov smear now. - I'm still stuck on the turtle race. (laughing) How long does it take? (laughing) - If you parlay them a lot longer than you would think. Maybe 15 to 30 seconds to a turtle race? It's a very short, short distance I'm guessing. - Yes, yeah, yeah. - Okay, well, there's a great opportunity for jokes in that. Yeah. Next time. (laughing) Next time. Oh, I love it. Oh, Yakov already gets it. (laughing) You're in it, buddy. - I mean, I just don't understand. Like you had a minute, the platform that I've given you, and you understand the mission, right? - Sure, the jokes that I had written down were just garbage. And so. - So why are you doing this to yourself? - 'Cause I had a minute planned out and as soon as I saw you all, I was like, no. - There was something about the way this audience looks. Are you talking about this black woman right here? Is that what you're, I saw you look at her specifically. What do you mean you saw this crowd? Almost all, basically good looking, I mean, this actually is a good looking crowd, but it's like just a good looking crowd. Little mixture of kind of everything, and you saw them, what were you expecting to see for you to do the material that you prepared tonight? What would it have taken? What would you have had to look out there and see exactly? What would they have looked like? Yeah, look at this. - Meg, you have a kind of a view on these people. Come get a reverse shot. I mean, it's pretty. - That's a pretty crowd. - Good looking crowd, there's a guy with like horns for some reason on a hat. That's fucking weird as shit, but that's what the liberals think the whole crowd would look like, it's just crazy people. These people are all retarded, dude. Yeah, I don't even want those as fans. Oh, well, there you go, great stuff guys. As I talk about how people think my fan base is retarded. - Don't worry about it, I knew it was bad. - The black girl did it. It was the black girl, by the way. - Do we have the police here? (audience laughing) Whoa, that's a joke. - You see that? - I know, this guy's like, whoa, that's rude to say to a black woman. - What was that? You just get. You said something in the audience, I'll win. Ha, ha, ha, I don't understand what's happening. You're looking at you, what are you doing? Why are you looking at me like I'm the one being weird? - Silly. - It is silly. It's comedy. - It's funny. - Wait, I'm just, oh, I know. - Okay, this fucking guy. - He's like a guy that goes to a playground, the bully kids. (audience laughing) No joke book, get outta here. There goes Frank McGo. (audience cheering) No, don't, Frank. Don't do it, Frank. (audience cheering) Let's get Frank a year off. Tell him to take a year off on his way out of signing up. No signing up for a year for Frank. Make it count next time. Are we okay over here, guys? You got glass? It's all good. It's all good. Stop picking it up, sir. Stop doing what you're doing. - Have to black woman do it. - Just look now, no, don't, don't do that. Just let a professional come over here. Whoa, it's a lovely Heidi, everybody. (audience cheering) There we go, there's someone with a broom and a dustpan. We have the professionals on it. - Maybe we need a nap, people. - Another drink. We're gonna need another, what was that? Was that a, was that guys? The fucking pedophile. The guy from every pedophile bus video, by the way. Look at this fucking creep, is it? Oh my God, catch him in the new movie about a, what's his name? - Would you like to sweet tea, Chris Hanson? - Yeah, cookies and sweet tea over here. This is the kind of guy that would bring his kid to one of those meetups, you'd bring his own child to a, alright, that guy looks exactly the same as the other pedophile. - There are a lot, there's a lot of pedophile. - There's a lot of pedophile. - You know what, now that I look out at this crowd, I think I'm gonna change everything I was gonna do tonight. I had something prepared for you guys, but now that I see the crowd, alright, you know, calling a business only to get a voicemail that sounds like it was recorded a decade ago, usually ends with an immediate hang up. Customers do the exact same thing when a call goes unanswered. At some point, the only move left is to say, let's fucking quote. And today's episode is brought to you by quote, spelled Q-U-O, the business phone system built, so you never, ever miss a call. That's right, quote, is the number one rated business phone system on G2, trusted by over 90,000 businesses to stay reachable and professional. All calls, texts, and voicemails live in one shared space, allowing any team member to view the conversation history and respond fast. Set up takes minutes on any existing device without requiring it. Red ban. - For coverage, after hours, quote, offers a built-in AI agent that handles calls and books appointments, so no lead slips through the cracks, head over to quote an upgrade today. - Money is on the line, people. Always say hello with quote. Try quote for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to quote.com/killtony. That's Q-U-O.com/killtony. - Ladies and gentlemen, your second bucket pull of the night, 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Ian Sharp, everybody. Here we go. (upbeat music) - Hey, how you guys doing, and are you feeling good? Yeah, I'm feeling great, you wanna know why? Because I had sex. Thank you, thank you. Not like recently or anything just before, you know? (audience laughs) You guys ever have sex before or anybody? It's weird, isn't it, right? It's weird. People call it making love, but turns out, you don't actually have to love someone to have sex with them. You can just lie and it still works. I found that out the first time I ever had sex, you know? I was with this girl and I really loved her, but I could tell that she didn't feel the same about me by the noises that she was making during sex, you know? Like I was making the normal sex noise. I was like, oh yeah, oh yeah. Gosh darn it, yeah, you know? Things ladies like to hear. Her noises were different, though. They were more like, oh hey. Hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just wanna be friends after this. Phil, has you ever been friends-owned inside of someone before? All right, thank you. (audience applauds) Ian, sir, welcome Ian. Is this your first time on the show? It's my third. Oh, okay, it's been a while. Yeah, it has. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on standup? About 15 years. Wow, 15 years, where are at? Mostly out of Chattanooga, Tennessee, but I've been here for the past two. Nice, how are you enjoying Austin? Oh, I love it, I love it, it's great. You get all the time in the world you wanna do, so it's great. Yeah, a lot of stage time here. What else do you do? What do you do for work, Ian? I work in IT, I do like help desk stuff. Yeah, thank you. Wow, ladies, very excited about IT. What an exciting life she must live, everybody. The lithium settled for a second so that you could applaud being in the IT industry. Anyway, Ian Sharp, what do you do for fun? For fun, hobby. I play a lot of D&D, I live stream video games, I do get all the nerdy stuff. Oh my goodness, gracious red bin. You must be hard as a rock right now. (audience laughs) That's an absolutely incredible dungeons and dragons. Online gaming, what kind of online gaming are you doing? Oh, I've got into Eldon Ring recently. That game is incredible. Wow, I'm surprised that you got into it recently. Yeah. You look like you could have made that video game with your imagination. It is, it was right up my alley, I should have got into it sooner. Absolutely incredible. So out of everything that I've learned about you, I don't believe that you've ever had sex before. Was that, was that fiction? Or are you just making it up? Or, I mean, I like to be a man of mystery. So like, if any of these ladies in the room here tonight wanna figure that, I don't know. No, I don't know. That sounds creepy as fuck, I'm a man of mystery. I'm a man of mystery, you never know. I'm gonna show up. It only works at a residence, oh my god, Riddison's festival. Wow, great stuff red, man. Definitely, talk more. Anyway. So Ian, let's just get real here for a second, man of mystery. When is the last time you actually had sex with a woman? About a year ago. A year ago, so was here in Austin, Texas? Yes. And just take us on the adventure. If you will, do you meet her? and about, are you like at a bar? Are you on a dating app? How does it go down free and short? - So this is a good story. I got booked on a show, I did the show, and then the girl that was the loudest drunkest person. - Great start. - She was like, "Hey, I want to suck your dick tonight." And I was like, "Well, that sounds like a good deal." - Wow. - She told you that? - Yeah, she told me that. - Did you do like a dungeon and dragon's like, "Well, I didn't bring it up. "I didn't bring it up at all." - Wow. - And to them, what happened? - Then we got in my car. - Yakov has a question. - He didn't bring it up. - How did you have sex? - I mean, it was difficult. - It was difficult. - We got in my car. - So we got in my car and we went to a gas station parking lot and had sex in the taxi. - Oh my God. - Okay, now I have more questions. - That's a big car, huh? - What kind of car? That was my next question. I got to know what kind of car it was. - Believe it or not, Tony, it's a Kia Soul. - Wow! That's unbelievable. - Kia Soul, as we know, that is a small car. That is the horn of a Kia Soul. If you ever hear that, you're about to get hit by a Kia. Wait, that's the actual horn, that's incredible. All right, so there you guys are, doing the old clown horn in the back of a Kia Soul. Now, is this a bigger lady? Is she a little thick like you or is she-- - She's about the same size as me. - Whoa, wow, I mean, okay. Now I got to know what gas station was it and what was the exact date? 'Cause I need the security footage from this ship. - Well, I'll tell you, as we were pulling out, I did notice on the other side of the parking lot there were cops parked there, so we were so lucky. - Yeah, super lucky. The cops are probably like, "Let's just stay in our fucking cars." (audience laughing) - Dad, it's called insurance. - That means you got lucky? (all laughing) - I'm confused, okay. - So, I mean, holy shit. So it's you and another thick little lady in the backseat of a Kia Soul. And I mean, is she on top of you or do you guys try to do, like, missionary position? - Well, we-- (bell ringing) - There you go, Red Band. There he is. Stick to the soundboard, buddy. Unless you're gonna go to the red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, redness, on sphere. (audience laughing) - So we tried a lot of different things, and it's like-- - We tried a lot of different things. - You're trying a lot of different positions. - Oh my god. - What's that? - Well, it went smell the worst. - Okay. - Red, band. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Come on. - Oh, come on. - So you say you tried different things. Come on, take us through. Take us through the adventure here. - I mean, we were two, you know. generously sized people and not so generously sized cars. So it was really like, it was like playing Tetris, but the level was too small. We were trying to figure out exactly how to make the math work. And it, I'll tell you, it wasn't good sex. - Right. - Okay. Let me ask you this, about how long does it last from insertion to completion? - A lot of mush. - Just, uh, you know. - I didn't really keep track of time. - Just a ballpark. - Just a ballpark. - You bang your own titties by accident. - Just, uh, so much fucking stuff. - Just, uh, maybe, maybe 30 minutes? Maybe, wow, that is long. 30 minutes, multiple positions. Look at this police officer looking like, "I got damn it. We should have done something that night." You're just gonna let this guy film a full on fucking porno. - Length. - They gotta get their cut, too, you know? - Wow, I don't think they want that cut. - Okay, so let me ask you this, condom or no condom. - Ooh, ooh. Why didn't have one on me? And I, you know, it was after a show. So, uh, we did raw dog it. - Wow. - Absolutely incredible. - That's a manual. - Okay, dude. - Final question, you ready for this? Here we go. Did you pull out? - Yes. - Okay, where did you shoot your load? Turns out I had another question I didn't tell you about. (laughing) - Well, she requested it on her face. - Are you serious? How are you doing this in a KSO? - I told you how I wouldn't be able to do this with a girl my size in a KSO. I get, all right, okay, we're finished. - It's incredible. This is, you'd have to be on the back window, just fucking. (laughing) - I told you it was a good story. - Again, the police are literally like, "Let's just not do it. Let's go beat up a black guy somewhere." We don't want to, what's like we want to do is get in between these two pigs who are nodding in the back of a fucking goat cart. Holy shit. I mean, that is absolutely incredible to find out that you had cart sex in a Kia soul of all things. - The magic of stand-up, dude. You kill on stage, anything is possible, dude. - It's amazing. - I have charisma, I don't know. - It's amazing. - It's the first time a Kia soul's knock on into an accident and got totalled at the same time. - This is amazing. - That car is unsellable after this. - I mean, can you imagine-- - Last off in her face? - I mean, you know, I'm a gentleman, I do what she asks. - Yeah, okay, okay, okay. And then did you like, what did you grab to wipe her off? - She ate it. - Yeah, yeah. - Red band, red band. - Seriously, just relax, red band. - Did she do like a, like a-- - I think I had a shirt or something, you know? - Yeah, a shirt. - A shirt, okay, okay. - Okay, you had an extra shirt. Is it your Kia soul or was it hers? - It was mine. - Wow, okay, that's good 'cause I was afraid she was gonna have to drive afterwards with commoner eyes. - But this is good. So did you drop her off? And I'm sorry, Yakov, by the way, Yakov's like, what the fuck? I thought I was going on the biggest show in the industry. - This shit's fucking disgusting. I know, sometimes we get a little wacky here. - It, I, yes. (laughing) - But, but then again, I was roommates with Andrew, that is clay, so. - Yeah. - So this is peachy. - Exactly, exactly. You get it, you get it all the way. - And anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you out of here? - I mean, last time I talked about, I used to tour in a metal band. I don't know if that's interesting or not, but that went well, that went good. What was the metal band again? - With faith or flames, we toured a bunch and we're on a little bit of MTV, not much, but-- - MTV, yeah. Oh my goodness. - So it's a technicality. We were background music on a reality dating show. - Oh, well, there you go. - Let's still count counts. - I have a royalty check, I have accounts. - Very good, very good. I'm pretty sure you're gonna get a royalty check from the fine people over at Kia tonight as well. - For the advertising you did for them, is absolutely incredible. Here's a, here's a big joke, but congratulations. - Stickers Ian Sharp. - Dancing via Kia, so commercial. - Oh yeah, it's amazing, too. It's a roomy car. - Yeah. - They need help right now. - I love it. I have it at hand for the lovely Heidi, by the way. A little fun fact, coming soon to Kilmerch.com. Heidi farts a najar. She farts a najar and sells it on Kilmerch.com. How many do you wanna buy a Heidi fart najar, huh? All right, great fan. Okay, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Kylie Kaiser, everybody, Kylie Kaiser. I'm originally from a small town, and I didn't have a very good transition into big city living. Literally in the first year that I lived in a city, my roommate and I were robbed at gunpoint in our apartment. Yeah, it was pretty scary. The guy followed my roommate inside when she got home from work. That's how he got in the place. And when the cops came later, they checked out the apartment complex, the situation. They said, based on the layout, he must have been staking us out for a while to know when to follow her at the right moment, right? That was really traumatizing for me to hear personally because I had just gotten home an hour before her. (audience laughing) Didn't pick me, what the fuck? The cop looked me in the eye and said, Angela is so small, he probably just thought he could take her easier. We got really lucky, though. The guy only took our cell phones. That whole experience, the guy only took our cell phones. The cops said we were really fortunate we didn't have anything of value in our apartment. (audience laughing) I was deemed ugly fat and broke by a criminal in a deputy. Do you understand? Thank you guys, I'm Kylie. Kylie Kaiser, funny stuff Kylie. Welcome, welcome. So I have been doing it about three and a half years. My first time on the show, I was three months in. Wow, three and a half years. Remind us what happened last time you were on. I got to do a guest spot with David Tell, here. Oh, that's amazing, fuck yeah. It was awesome, I was so new, and I just wanted to work till I came back. That's awesome, what a great story. Sometimes I'm, you know, we help so many damn people that sometimes I forget about it. Sometimes they fall through the crowd. It's been a long time. Yeah, it's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while. (audience laughing) Yeah, see you know, you would pass. I'm 35, I know. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hey Lee, tell us what you've been up to the last three years since you've been on the show. Oh, honestly, a really big thing happened to me that same week. I was on the show, did the show with Dave, and then I met my father. a biological dad for the first time? - Wow. - Isn't that weak? - How did that happen? - Honestly, we had been like-- - Explain how that happened to this black woman can maybe one day get to meet her dad. This is amazing. (audience laughs) She's laughing, by the way, you fucking weirdos on the internet. (laughs) Look at Tony being racist again. All right, go ahead. - I was kind of like going through a rough time like a few months before this, and my mom, who like has no contact with him, reached out to him, and was kind of like stereotypical therapy shit. She was like, "Maybe Kylie could work through some of this "if she knew you." And she told me that information, and I did nothing with it for a while, 'cause I was like, "I don't really wanna fuck with this." And then I eventually just decided a message him, and he had flown me out to meet him the week of your show that I was on. - So it was a week after the show, right? - Yeah, so we had messaged for like six months before I actually went to meet him. - Where did he fly you to? - California. - And wow, where do you live here? - I live here. - Right. And what is-- - What, what, what, what, what, like, comfort plus? (audience laughs) That's a good question. - Listen, if you're flying your daughter out that you'll be nor-- - I think it was Southwest. - Oh. - You're the fight for your seat to meet your dad. - Fuck. - America's a rough Burbank airport. - He had money though, that's the crazy part. That's the best case scenario if you meet your estranged dad. So he lived like in Wine Country in California. - That's what, that was my next question. What does he do for a living? - He works in like sales for some kind of tech. - But he did really good for himself. - Yeah, yeah. - Big home. - Yeah. - You had your own bedroom when you went there. - You stay with him? - Finally, I did, yeah. Met him at my sister. I was just in her wedding last year. So that's been my life lately. - Oh, that's great. Look at that full circle. - Yeah, it's so nice. I've never met my dad. I contacted him. He didn't want to. (audience laughs) - The very first time, so I was scared about this because I had contacted my dad like when I was 21. And when I had to open the message about this to reach out, my message left on red was there. So yeah, getting ghosted by your dad has different. - Yeah, my mom died and then I wrote to him. Can I meet you? And he said, "No, thank you." - No thanks. - That's super cool. You've got to flight and stuff. (audience laughs) I really like that, yeah. - You could have been on Southwest. That's so disappointing. - So what did you learn about your dad that like you guys have in common? 'Cause I find it also interesting nature versus nurture, there's some stuff that lines up. - Yeah, I talk about this all the time. So my grandparents raised me actually and my mom and I are more like than I am to them. And then I met my dad and it really felt like all the pieces I didn't understand. Like he's one of the only family members. He's come to a ton of my comedy shows. My mom's been to a couple, but he like, I get definitely like my fucked up humor from him, music, tastes. Like we've been to concerts together. We went to a strip club together. - Whoa, strip club together. - Yeah, yep. - That's amazing. But did he get, what was that like? (audience laughs) - Well, we both had a good time. I'll say that. - Whoa. - You and her are not together. - All right, well. - Well, you have to clarify because meeting your dad in that situation like is kind of like online dating. Like we were talking for a long time and then met in person, you know what I mean? I was like, is he gonna look at his pictures? Is he gonna pay for everything? Is he gonna try to fuck me? - That's hilarious. - Oh no. - That's amazing. - He's kind of like, you have a lot in common with him probably. - Yeah. - Great stuff, Fred, Ben. (audience laughs) - Yeah, nature and earth is wild, so it really is cool. - It is, it is. What do you do for work, Kylie? - I bartend part time at Roscoe's comedy club. - Oh, nice. - Yeah. - And that's all you do? - Yeah, I do like a little bit of stuff here and there with like marketing things people. I pick up like freelance. I have a degree in writing, so. - Okay, very good, very good. What's your love life like? - I have a boyfriend. - What does he do? - He's an architect. - Ooh, is he successful? - Yeah. - Wow, look at that. - Yeah, he's good. He's very supportive. He comes to like all my shows. - Wow. - Yeah. - That's incredible. - Yeah, thank you one guy. (audience laughs) - That's actually him. That's your boyfriend, he's here. You know, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. - Whoa. - Look at that. - Wow. (upbeat music) - Someone obviously took his Bluetooth gold tonight. Look at you. I could play her call. - Oh my God, normally they have to show some cleavage or something to get on this secret show. - I wanted it, it was real, so I wore this. - Amazing, it worked. It worked. Eugene's worked for Red Band tonight. - Great job, too. I really love a bit that makes you imagine a visual thing. Like with your timing and the confidence, the way you set up, like when you did the bit, I imagine the guy in the bush, you know, looking who goes in the house and then she, then he sees you and she's like, and he's like, ah, fuck. (audience laughs) And then he sees your friend, he's like, oh. - Yeah, okay. - 100% true to the craziest part. I don't know that he, I don't know that he didn't pick me on purpose, but he picked her in that sense. - I love that, yeah. - Amazing. Yakov, you got to see Rosanne Barr when she started and so many greats, the legends, whoopie Goldberg, Sandra Bernhardt back in the day. Any words of encouragement or anything for Kylie Kaiser? - Yeah, I remember watching Rosanne Barr in Denver when she, nobody knew her. And she had that personality, very strong. And I think you have that as well. You have, you had us all like for first 20 seconds when you were telling the story, you were intense. We were like, I'm going, am I in like group therapy? (audience laughs) - Thank you. - Right, but you, that's a great setup for a great story and punchline. - Yeah, thank you, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. - Without a doubt. - Yeah. - Kylie Kaiser, here's a big joke book, boom. There you go. (audience applauds) Kylie didn't think she would catch it, so she tried to get it me to hand it to her and then I nailed it against her chest, which is what I'm known for. I'm the greatest joke book tosser in all the world if anybody is keeping track. I'm basically, I make Tom Brady look like a lazy schmuck but with joke books. Hey, I'll half the year is over. If your credit still needs work, the time is now. Kickoff makes building credit simple and affordable and I always tell my friends that good credit opens a lot of doors. Thankfully, getting started with kickoff takes just a few minutes right from your phone. It's just one dollar for your first month. There's no credit check, no hidden fees and no interest. Users with credit under 600 grow an average of 86 points just by paying on time. Red man. Man, I wish I had kickoff when I was younger. What I like about kickoff is how straightforward it is. 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So it's a tomato tomato kind of situation going on there. One of the main questions I get asked when people find out I'm from Russia or adopted from Russia is do you want to go back? Do I look like I wanted to be generationally poor and drunk? And don't get me wrong, I'm poor here, but I'm American poor. American poor is the equivalent of Olga, hide my yacht before it gets seized over there. (audience laughing) Being poor sucks no matter where you're at. Have you ever been so poor? You hit under the kitchen sink when the landlord showed up 'cause you haven't paid your rent in two months. Needless to say, I had now live in my car. It's not that bad. The only issue I'm having is finding a place to hide when the repo man shows up. (audience cheering) And I think I found a good spot. They're still gonna repo me. But guess what, I still have my house and I'm upgraded to a gated community. Thank you, I'm Luther, that's been my time. Luther Thompson. (audience applauding) You know, you can't even make this shit up. That was the set you were gonna do no matter who was here, huh? No matter what, I was coming out here with that set. You were sex trafficked to Russia? Out of Russia. Out of Russia. And you just so happen to have the greatest Russian comedian of all time. And a guy that everybody thinks is the greatest Russian comedian of all time. It couldn't have gone any better. What are the odds? Couldn't have gone any better. Tell us all. You have those beautiful cold Russian eyes. Hey, take them off and look at like a camera. Like take them off, look at these eyes. Oh yeah, look at that. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's cold. That guy from the high school. Oh, goodness. I mean, it is incredible. I watch World War II documentaries all the time and they do a thing called World War II in color. They've colorized all the old footage. I think what kind of-- That is everybody. This is everyone on the German side. (audience applauding) They didn't have glasses back. back in World War II, but. (audience laughs) Look at that. Brothers, I believe you were both trafficked from the same family. But wait, wait, wait, wait, is this like a material or like really stuff? - No, I was actually adopted from Russia. - Adopted, okay. - Yes, I was in traffic. That's just a joke my parents are gonna hate when they hear it. - So this is incredible. Let's talk about it. You're born in Russia from a Russian couple. How did you get adopted to America? - So I was in an orphanage. I actually have a biological sister who was also adopted with me at the same time. I blame her for being put into the orphanage. My parents are probably fine with me. The she came out into the orphanage we go. She will also hate that when she hears it. Then they also adopted my brother at the same time. - So you have a brother and a sister. You guys all came out of the same vagina. - No, okay, no. None of you came out of the sister. Came out of the same vagina. - My brother's not, but got it. - You were all through Adopt in 1990s. - Is the brother Russian too? - Yes, all three of us are. - Where are your parents getting these Russians from? - You know, apparently it was pretty popular in Iowa to do so because cheaper. (laughing) Because there was like a whole group of like 10 families on Central Iowa that adopted like a two year span and we all got together on a regular basis. And, you know, we've all disconnected since then, but I remember growing up, there were quite a few families. Even in my town, there was one family that also adopted from Russia. It was pretty cool. - This is absolutely cool. - How old were you? - I was six. My sister was five and my brother was still. Not anymore. My mom was a teacher before she sent my retired to be a stay-at-home mom. For the first six months after they got us here, she did nothing but teach us. Like, homeschooled us. - The parents that adopted you, they're like rich? - I won't call them rich at the time, but they're pretty well off now. - 'Cause it seems like, like, you know, like, let's get a Russian, you know, like, it's it. It's like an Angelina Jolie, like, let's get a fucking Russian. - John D is actually whispered in my year a great question. Are you the world's worst spy? - I am actually waiting for the activation word. (laughing) - Look at that. - Incredible. - So, you've been in America since you were a baby. Is your sister older than you? - No, I'm older. - How old much older than you are you? - By 11 months. - I'm older than her. - Wow, your parents were just nutting inside of each other and giving it away. - Drunken fucking. Look at that Russian breeders. Lot of vodka. Do you have any fetal alcohol syndrome? - I do not. I don't believe. I actually am not a big drinker myself. We'll see how that goes. But if I do drink it, it is vodka. - Right, you know? - Yeah, coffee. - Well, it's in the blood. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It is, yeah. - It's definitely. I mean, they fought this for years and at some point, the guy, the leader of the Communist Party, went to a factory and asked him if he had a glass of vodka, could you work today? And the worker said, "Yes, I think I could." And he said, "If you have two glasses of vodka, could you work?" And he said, "I think I could." He said, "If you have three glasses of vodka, could you work?" He said, "I'm here, aren't I?" (laughing) - Funny story, actually. I distinctly remember seeing you and Branson Missouri on one of my family trips. We had, wow. - Look at this. - This is all coming full circle. One of the six million-- - The fuck? - Six million. - We had a yearly family day would commemorate our adoption and one of the places we typically went was Branson Missouri. And you were doing a show one of those years and we went and saw you. It was a good time. I was pretty young, so I don't fully remember all your comedy, but I remember you. - I remember you. (laughing) - I can't forget those eyes. - That's right. That's right. So here you are. You could have been a Russian factory worker probably out there fucking kill. - Oh, thank God. I got a tattoo. - Baby Jesus. - Holy cow. - Holy cow. - I know. - Fuck. - So here you are. - I could be on the front line right now. - You could be. Well, I mean, I don't know if they like gays and they're military, but. (laughing) - They'll take everybody. - Yeah, they would, yeah. Pretty sure they'll take anybody. - I think they're pretty desperate, yeah. - They take everybody. - Pretty sure that's all they have left. - Have you contacted the parents too? - What's that? - I have no idea who my parents are. In my opinion, I could care less who they are, you know? - Can you believe this, Yakov? He doesn't care about you at all. - Fuck. - Hey. (laughing) - Let's do a blood test before we. - Yeah. - Before we come to conclusions. - Yeah, Yakov hasn't even adopted any Russian people. He's 75, he has a one year old with his nuclear nuts. (laughing) He'd rather shoot, he's making babies on a dust over here rather than adopting a Russian. Your parents are saints. So what do you do for work? Now that you're living the American dream, you got saved. - So I work for Tesla. - Wow. - And I serve on the weekends. - Oh, okay, so I mean, Tesla obviously, you know, Elon's a smart guy, he works on a budget. (laughing) Full time of Tesla. - No one wants to be poor. - You're still picking up shifts. - Got to work like nobody else today so you can play like nobody else tomorrow. - Wow, look at that. Someone has a tear away calendar. (laughing) - Incredible. (laughing) - Incredible, Luther. - My goodness. - How long do you done stand up? - I'll be honest, this will be my first big stage I've ever done, but I did some, (cheering) I did some, I'll call them open mics. They were more like poetry open mics. That's what open mics are, they all feel that way. It's rough, it's very rough out there. - How could Iowa before I moved here, so? - Very nice, Des Moines. - Very close, Ames. - Wow, so you're kind out there in the middle of nowhere. - Yeah, I grew up in a blink and you miss a town, so. - You know what? - Blink and you miss it, you're going down the interstate and there it is. - Oh, blink and you miss it. - There's a little bit of a Russian accent still in there. Blink and you miss it. (laughing) - What I really liked is like, so you haven't been on stage too much, right? - No. - So I saw, you know, when you're so close to a performer like here, I saw you like shaking a little bit and being nervous so you can tell it's a new, like he's a new artist, but you stuck to your script and you like paused at the right places and you still fucking didn't. You weren't like a bitch like nice to be here, Tony. - That's right. - I've watched this show. - Yeah. - Since the beginning. - That is true. - You fucking, you, you stick to this, script, you do the thing and then you talk honestly. And you talk about your life, dude. - Before I let you go, Luther, do you know what part of Russia you were born in? - I'm, supposedly, I was born in Air Cootsk. - If you heard of Air Cootsk. - Yeah, very much so. - Yeah. - What's that place? - It's a, yeah, tough, tough territory. - Yeah. - Holy shit, you got lucky. - Yeah. - Dude. I count my lucky stars out here. - Yeah, yeah. - The dogs are very fast there because they are Siberian Huskies. Actually they're very fast because the trees are like two miles apart so they have to run fast to get to an X tree. - Wow. - Yeah. - Oh my. - Information, you don't need to. - No, I love that shit. We love that shit here. We've been doing this show 13 years. We need new information. We always like good stuff. - So, are you gay? - No. - No? - No. - You have a girlfriend? - No. - Single. - Are you dating? - No. - Have you, how long have you been in Austin? - Two months. - Have you kissed a girl yet since being in Austin? - Have you? - I have not. I've seen the show. - You haven't? - No, we gotta get a girl. It's the girl out there. It's the girl out there that's willing to, you in the white shirt. Get your ass over here. Look at this little cutie. Come on up here, sweetheart. Oh, she's got bouncy tits. Oh my god, this is incredible. She's about to get a spot at the secret show on Thursday night. She's never done a joke a day in her life. This is amazing. You're about to kiss a little, my friend, you're about to kiss a little cutie with fat tits. Look at this. All right, ever since we started this show, we do a little segment where if a person hasn't had their first kiss in the city that we're in, they get their first kiss, I mean, she looks like she's going to go for it. Are you really going to give them a big one? What's your name? Sweetheart. - Weasel. - Weasel? - Weasel. - Weasel? - Weasel? - Weasel? - Wow. That's a wacky name. I like your style, weasel. - Weasel. - Weasel? How do you spell that? - L.I. ESL. - Okay. Weasel adopted from Russia. - I hope not. - Weasel, this boy is moved to the live comedy and the live music capital of the world. Are you from here, Weasel? - No. - Where are you? - Baltimore. - Oh, Baltimore. Oh, shit. - And I drove here. - And you drove here from Baltimore. Damn, you're a little fucking cold-blooded killer. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Luther Thompson's first ever Austin, Texas kiss. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Wow, look at that. Look at the look on Luther's face. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Unbelievable. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Lisa, here's a big joke book for you. Boom, Luther here's the big one for you, boom. >> There we go. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Lisa's on the secret show on Thursday. Welcome to us, don't worry for all of that night either. >> My God, Red Bant, Red Bant, all right. We're having fun here tonight. How about one more time for my guests, Ari, Maddie, and Yakov Smyrenov, we're having fun. Now we get to sit back and enjoy a minute, perhaps more than a minute, from one of our great regulars, ladies and gentlemen. This guy has to write and perform a new minute every single week. Ari, Maddie used to do it all the time before he became an international superstar. Well, while he became an international superstar live on this show, it's a big, big, hard job. He does it every week, makes some noise. This is the former dark storm of Atlanta, the current dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great Dejrick Flynn, everybody. [MUSIC] >> Yeah, yeah, guys, I wrote this down after a traumatic incident where like me and my girlfriend got into a fight in front of our friends. What you know about don't even try to cuddle me after Uno. >> [LAUGH] >> I can't get comfy with a reverse draw for ASAP. >> [LAUGH] >> Since you want to skip so much, how about skip it on these cuddles? That's what I wrote. What you know about having to get into a bar fight with a Botox salesman because she won't stop trying to sell your white girlfriend Botox. And Botox salesman remind you of crack heads trying to sell crack. Cuz you kind of like nigga look what it did to you. [LAUGH] Like I get, if y'all love Botox or Botox, if you want a girl whose face is frozen in time, that's okay. Believe my white woman out of it, like you know what I'm saying? Like she cute, she adorable, and she is, she's pale as hell too. And it's true what they say, once you go pale, she'll make you eat kale. You know what I'm saying, James, that's true, am I the only one that I heard that. But it is crazy cuz white women always care about like what they eat. Like she want organic sharing her body, but she'll fill her face up with like y'all be concrete. You know what I'm saying, like that shit is disgusting, like I fucking hate Botox. Day in the white girl is dangerous because I was recording my comedy special and I went to go kiss her on her forehead, right? Because like a forehead kiss is God in nature's anti-depressant, right? Like if you kiss a, you give a girl a cranium smooch, she okay, she don't knees all off, right? And I use it as good luck and I kissed her forehead. And before I was about to record, my homeboy slapped me behind the head. He was like, "Nigger, you doing coke?" You know what I'm saying? Because some of her porcelain dust makeup got on my nose. And I was like, "My nigga, I do white girl, but not that kind of white girl. That's my time, I love y'all." Dead trick, boy. Fuck yeah, Dead Trick. Welcome back, my friend. What are you doing? I'm doing fantastic. I loved it. It all felt real to me. I don't know can get frustrating out there with people. Like why do you, why do you do that to me? Who knows? Because it's like a, it's so cheap, but like what, I think it's like designed to break family and friends apart. It really is. It's supposed to break you up from the person you're sitting next to because that's the person that does. They, they hit the reverses. They hit the skips. So it's better. I think if you want to keep your relationships solid, put someone in between you and your loved one. Say that until you start playing like Rainbow or Stacking, where you can like reverse to the person and then make the next person drop. It's a bunch of different, like it's like different elevations, you know, there's like standard uno where you can still have a family and then like, there's the other uno's where it's out for blood and it's just, you know, they, but it's this is where sharks go. It's like a feed and frenzy on your people that you love. You shouldn't play, Monopoly, you shouldn't play that with people you love, dice to me. You know, like any kind of dice, I've seen my uncles go down over every kind of dice. Do black people play Monopoly? I didn't. I've never thought of this before. Do you guys start in jail? That's one person have all the money. Your people are famous for ricos, but here you are actually like, we started that. That's true. Black Monopoly does sound like it's own game though. It does. You guys just don't pay rent sometimes. A lot of, no get out of jail free cards, by the way, zero of them. What's the, what's the, what's the pieces, like, to me might not be straight, but he is straight forward. That is true. That is true. That's the thing we live our lives. How dare you. It's all being mean to me. How dare you. How dare you. I was trying to open up about it. Now, I feel generational. Black Monopoly is its own bit, by the way. That is, if you don't take it, I'll take it. For sure, yeah. Black Monopoly. I'll take it. I'll take it. Black Monopoly. I got a new game, but I ain't been hobbling. I have been to jail. Yeah. You're the only person I've ever met that goes to jail in Japan and changes nothing about his life. No, no, no, no. But it's crazy because you didn't even went to jail. You came back, I was like, you're okay. You were like, huh? Yeah. Because it went, it went, but it's crazy because like, Future just put out his new album and his song is Konichiwa, that he filmed in Tokyo, Japan. But when I bring Molly Perkis as, that is pretty crazy. That is a good point. That's fucked up, dude. Future can get away with it. That's amazing. Dead Dricks so much fun. How's everything else going? You been on the road? Yeah. Actually, just past weekend was the first time I haven't done comedy on the road every weekend. I went and married two of my best friends because I'm an efficient. And that was my first like Jewish wedding that I got to conduct. That was a Jewish. You conducted two niggas that she was fucking good. You ever hop on the gear and niggas that shit is fun as fuck. No. You just get to hop on again. It's a minute and a minute. Is that the word? You know the word. Is that the word? Yes. I think you're the only one that can say that. I can say the Hava part, but then it's you that can say. So let me ask you this. So you officially said he said that he officiated a wedding and I didn't believe it. And then he said a Jewish wedding and I'm like, that sounds about right because I bet you don't charge much. No, I charge. You charged him for that? Yeah. I charged for a purebred wedding more than I do in a racial wedding. Oh, it's like porn. But then gay wedding is the cheapest because they got they got more acts coming out and shit like that. Yeah. But when it's purebred, you got to stick to the script. They parents religious. So I charged them more like a gay wedding. You can say whatever you want. You can have fun. But like when you when I'm telling too many jokes, they mom is standing up when she not supposed to be standing up. I'm trying to do vows and shit. Right. So it's difficulty. Did the dads ever show up to the gay weddings? Yeah. Oh. phone. Deadrick, we love you. You're the man. Here's my deadrick flint, everybody. Back to the bucket, we go. Anything can happen as you know. Knock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? Exactly. Jesus Christ. Anyway, this ad is for Morgan and Morgan. Morgan and Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. Do you know that red band? I have your aid. I know. There are America's largest Indian injury law form form. There are America's largest injury law firm with more than thousand lawyers and a hundred offices nationwide. They've also recovered over 35 billion dollars for their clients. And unlike red band, they can all read. So if you've been injured because somebody else was negligent, you probably have more important things to worry about than terrible lawyer jokes. You can check out Morgan and Morgan at forthepeople.com/toney. Their feet is free unless they win and whoever wrote that joke should probably be sued. Now back to the show. All right, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Dr. Chuck, everybody. Here we go. Here's Dr. Chuck. Oh my god, yes. Chuck, everybody. Hello, my name is Charles K. Sestock, the fourth and I am a miller. I'm an electrical engineer, which means I'm doing the devil's work, according to the amish. I like age-appropriate humor. I have a urology joke, but I can't hold it. I'm old school. Cash is king, because you can't have a hit country song if you're named Johnny Bitcoin. Clearly I overdid the academic side of life. I earned a PhD in electrical engineering, a bachelor's in physics, and a master's in virginity. But hey, I just got some pussy. Too bad it came from Red Band. Oh my God. What the hell? Oh my God. Oh my God. Wow, Dr. Chuck has arrived in the Kiltzone universe. Wow, absolutely amazing performance, Dr. Chuck. I mean, down to the second, you handled this like an absolute, like a genius. Thank you. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over three years. Wow. Where at? What mad laboratory have you been doing this? Primarily in Dallas. Okay. That's where you live. Yeah. Amazing. Is that where you're born and raised? No, I was born and raised in the suburbs of Detroit, Michigan. Oh wow. Okay. That makes sense. You fucking you survived. Look at you. You got a PhD, a bachelor's in this and that. Welcome. Welcome. Hell, yeah, man. Incredible, what made you start comedy three years ago? Well, a friend who was running an open mic and said why don't you give it a try. I stuck my toe in. I remember getting a laugh and immediately felt like this was a lot of fun. I guess looking back, you know, I kind of related to Rodney Dangerfield on the tonight's show as a kid. I remember when he performed at Ronald Reagan's inaugural, he kind of stopped his rhythm and talked about feeling like a, you know, weight, heaviness as a kid and, you know, at least I could relate to that and I could also relate to kind of getting on stage and bringing people joy and kind of lifts that weight, you know, so I kept going. Amazing. So electrical engineering. Yep. And you're, I am imagining that you are just a master of it. Can you tell us exactly what does that mean? Can you explain to like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, well design computer chips, but I do have a lot of patents, but only one of them is funny. Oh, tell us the funny parts. I have a, I have a patent on a poop detector for a robot vacuum. Wow. Wow. Really? Really? Really? Really? So you sell it to the companies that make the robot vacuum cleaner and they take, how does it recognize poopy? Nobody actually bought it, but it was too big, but the technology work so it was patented. It's basically like a fancy version of the capacitive touch sensor on your phone, but it's able to sense moisture as well as proximity. Oh. So, you know. Midity. There you go. Dirt is usually-- Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Rickban, is very intrigued over here. It's actually also an electric engineer. Wow. He has tons of patents, too, but none of them are sexy like that. That's pretty sweet. I'm not sure that's sexy, but it is amusing. You are amazing. How tall are you, by the way? 65 in my socks. Wow. 65 in his socks. Absolutely. Incredible. Dr. Chuck. Now, do you, have you been married? Do you have kids? What you've been doing your whole life? Tell us more. You are a man of great mystery and aura. Well, I am single, but I do have a woman. She just has poor boundaries. Anytime that she's under pressure, she shooshes me. I've got to get her patched. Patched. I didn't want to be a celebrity at discount tire. All right, I lost the patch. You're a children? You're a children? D-madness is out here. Look at hand for D-madness. Dr. Chuck. I have so many questions. So do you really have a girlfriend or no? No. That was just a joke. No. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Because you look like you seem too smart to even have a woman. You seem like you would be annoyed by the ignorance of just a yappy bet with a vaginal. It's like Dr. Manhattan shit. I haven't really been very successful in relationships, but I look back at it. It's probably, you know, unprocessed resentments towards my mom. She was pretty depressed as, you know, when I was a kid and you have kind of an ambivalent parent when you're young, it affects your social development. I have never in my life heard somebody actually answer the question honestly. That is amazing. This guy is so smart. He's got it all figured out. That's the electrical engineer in here. He's connecting the dots, yes. He really is. He really is. So what's the longest relationship you've ever been in, Dr. Chuck? Couple months. Couple months, see? That's kind of life. Couple months, really? Yeah. And you're like, "Fucked up, huh?" I know, right? Yeah. Well, you know, once you get to a certain age, you are what you are. But I do try to, you know, change directions, getting out of my comfort zone, but you have things like comedy, sir. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, Dr. Chuck, I mean, I'm just so intrigued right now. I'm so intrigued because I want to know like what your daily routine is. You seem like the kind of guy to me that wakes up like you wake up like this, like you set up. And then everything like you have slippers next to the bed that you slide your giant horse cock feet into, right? And then like you have like a robe that's like there. You put on the robe. You walk a straight line. You turn the corner. And then it comes off. Like, I picture like the coffee machine starts because a ping-pong ball sense that you've got up and rolls down the coffee automatically, tips over, pours into a cup, the cup slides down, a little train, some type of Chuchu train comes down and delivers it to you. You're still on the edge of the bed with your robe on. You grab the coffee, all in one swoop. There's the Chuchu train. You drink the coffee. The mug detects that your lips touched it, which therefore sense starts the shower for you. Your shower starts, so you have a towel warmer that feels the humidity rise and the towel warmer turns on. You have a warm towel. There's adults in there for some reason because you have a retarded co-host with a sound effect board. How close to mine are right about this? That sounds rather quaint, but a simple man's morning, Tony. I usually outsource the food and coffee preparation to people, not machines, I like to get up and I go to HEB and get a breakfast taco and a cup of coffee. You do that every day, am I correct? Basically, yes. Yes, you are a man of pure routine. Now, how about nighttime? Make us through the smooth descent, my guess is that every other smart man you go to bed and around, I'm guessing, about 9.30 on the dot, no? No, no. I mean, a lot of times I might be out at an open mic, come home, probably unwind with the book. Sometimes, I do like to look at a special, unwinded book. I like to collect books, actually. We believe about it. Shout out half-priced books. Do you know how? Is that in Dallas? I think they're here, too, but they're better than Dallas. You have a wall with books, and you have the latter that you swing, and you're like. I do have. Somewhere between a thousand and two thousand. Wow. Amazing. Money is good in your life. You got to figure out this like a fucking formula, huh? I do okay with financially, I don't have to worry. That is correct. That's what extremely rich men say. For those of you that don't know. For the poorest in the room. You don't have to worry. I'm doing just slightly okay. A man of many patents. See, unwind with a book. Do you have a robe? Am I correct about that? No. But you do have pajamas. Am I correct? Yes, I. -What do they have on it? -There are the white fleas of Bucky's pajamas with a red drawstring and black Bucky's portraits. -My friend, call me a book-reading genius because I have the same pajamas. -By the way, I have to send you down. -I don't know what I'm going to do. -Let's go. Yeah, go for it. Yeah, pair before you leave. -Bring my single-like books. -Is yours also a boy's extra small? -No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. -Oh, here we go. -So, my dad, he's a dork like you, but he has one thing that he's been trying to solve his whole life, perpetual motion. Like, he's making all these machines and stuff. Is there something that your whole life you've been trying to solve with your big brain? -I guess I wouldn't say I have a session like that. I like to kind of keep on the cutting edge of things. So, I've had a chance to do wireless communications, rechargeable batteries, you know, lots of different things in my career. -Let me ask you a better version of the question that he half-asked in your life. Could you seem like a smart guy? Well, you don't deal with that. Even the best comedians in the world are fucking goofballs. Like, I've never-- I already laughed the hardest at fucking, I just blanked out, but, oh, unwind with a book. Like, to us, that is hysterical that you said that. Like, it's like no comedian in the world no matter what can unwind with a book, but you're the closest thing to it. So, let me ask you this, Dr. Chuck, of all the things that you have, all the great mysteries in the world. What is a smart man like you find the most intriguing? Like, maybe not a passion like perpetual motion, but maybe, you know, like, I find it unbelievably crazy that humans dream and that there's no actual scientific explanation for how dreams happen or why they happen. What's your version of the world's greatest mystery to you? It could be in the past, it could be a present problem, or the future. Well, I'd say, you know, consciousness is definitely one. The other is, how do you match general relativity with quantum mechanics? But I don't have an answer to that. I expect that you'd say pussy, but-- [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] Wow. Dr. Chuck, I find you to be so intriguing. Please sign up again for this show. I mean, yeah. [APPLAUSE] Do you have any social media, Chuck? Is there a place we can find you or anything like that? Probably the best, and social media would be the roast battle DFW YouTube channel. There are a couple of highlight clips of me on that. Oh, you've been roasting, Dr. Chuck? My first break in comedy was actually, you know, roasting, holding my own against David Lucas in a roast battle at Hyena's in Dallas. Wow. That's a David Lucas roast. Yeah, what did you say about David? Can you give us one that you-- oh, shit. Look at that, look at that. Oh, shit. Imagine, yeah. OK, let's see, the first-- you know, some comedians didn't show up for the roast battle. He let anybody in the audience come on stage and try to take a shot. And you did? You came from the audience? Yeah, I came out of the audience. I had some written jokes on him and thought I was going to get my ass handed to me, but, you know, I got some laughs, so I can remember a couple of the jokes. First one that I started with was, David has a hit YouTube fishing show, and he is expanding his brand with a plus-size outerwear retailer/BBL clinic called Ask Pro Shops. [MUSIC PLAYING] Wow. This guy is smart. Yeah, that is amazing. I had done about 15 open mics at that time. So the second one, which was, women experience intense attraction near David due to gravity. [MUSIC PLAYING] And the last one, you know, there was one that was kind of a, you know, so-so joke, but the last one that was good was, David's family is responsible for slip-and-slide records. Their biggest hit was Take It To The House by Trick Daddy in Trina, which is about dunking a basketball, something David can't do. But he makes it his own whenever he dunks a donut. Wow. I feel kind of bad, you know, roast again when he's not here. No, it's fine. We do it all the time. It's fine. That's a very normal thing. I'm very grateful that David booked me on the show to do roast because that was the first book show that I got in comedy after doing all that. Hell yeah. That's cool, that, you know, so many people always whine about how late it is to start comedy. But I love that no matter how late it is to start comedy, if you approach it your own way and you're just authentically, you don't try to be some other shit. You just do your own thing. See, it resonates, you know. Thank you, Eric. Yeah, you killed it. It's awesome. You have your own style, your own swagger. We need you to absolutely sign up again. You're amazing. Dr. Chuck, what a great debut. Fantastic. Like Ari said, all shapes and sizes. Let's get my good one here. Look at this. This is a good one. Dr. Chuck, this is for you, bud. Boom. There he is. One more time for Dr. Chuck. That goes, great performance. That's what it taught to him. All right, we're going to keep it moving here. I was old this time. I was thinking it was Adam Ray. [LAUGHTER] That would be a great Adam Ray character. Oh, Dr. Chuck, everybody. I have a master's in virginity. All right, ladies and gentlemen. As you see, anything can happen. All different shapes and sizes out of this bucket tonight. Make some noise to your next bucket, pull its Joe newcomer, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, my God, hey, Ari. Oh, you, man. Oh, my God. So is there any straight people in here? Or is everybody gay? I'm raising my hand because I'm straight. Two made your gay. That one, you didn't have to think about it. You had to think about it, right? You had to think about it. You take the G and a gainus. All you have left is anus. Ew, right? Oh, my God. To you, young ladies over here, I'm only 27 emotionally, OK? I'm an on-me sexual. That means I'm having sex with whoever's on me, all right? [LAUGHTER] Yeah, yeah, that's right, that's right, yeah. And don't get excited, boys. But I'm also a bisexual. That's because I'm having sex, and then I'm like, bye. I'm not calling with you, OK? Oh, my goodness, foul. Did you bear it? You're OK. All right, Joe Newcommer. Oh, my God. How you doing, you little bundle energy? Casey Rock, I got old, quick. Oh, shit. Oh, my God, you are one of the funniest ladies we've ever had on the show. Look at you. Now, Joe, I'm going to be honest with you, man. You been on the show before? No, I have not. Right, I literally know you from being on sixth street. That's right. You're one of these guys that I fist bump almost every evening. Because Joe is one of the most positive motherfuckers you'll ever-- He really is. He really is. This guy's a champion of the Allstate. I don't say hi to everybody all the time on sixth street, but you're always smiling. I've seen you barking for-- Wait, what just happened? OK, OK, OK. What's going on over there, guys? What did I miss? There's a whole side show. It's weird. What happened? It was fine. OK, I'm good. All right. OK. What was it? I missed it. He grabbed his chest and his left arm went limp. Oh, OK. All right, I was just laughing. We're just excited. OK, Joe. Welcome, welcome. So again, I've seen you barking on the street always positive, always with a-- OK, you OK? We'll get you out of here. We'll get the medic for you. It's all right. Something shocked you? Really? Yeah, it's like electric. Yeah, it's a little bit of electric shock. Did the electric engineer just achieve me, Rigget, so that everybody else fails tonight? OK, well, Kino, let's get a second. Let's get a backup mic up here. I mean, there's almost no way that that's humanly possible. Is it technically even possible? I've never heard of such a thing. There you go. Let's get backup mic number 2 on. Let's throw that one on the ground. Are you fake being electrocuted real quick? No, I am not. If you get shocked by that one, we know that it's you. But I'm full of electricity. I don't know. That is very assassins, so. OK, so Joe Newcomer, how old are you? I am 58 years old. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy since two years. 2019, but you know, COVID took me out for a couple years. No doubt about it. Okay, so what made you want to start then? I used to be a drug dealer and a lot of people, a lot of people that was doing drugs too. They were laughing their ass off while I was doing drugs that emanated. You want to be one of those, and I go, where are you from? What part of Florida are you from? I'm from California. California. Oh shit. You're buying drugs from you. You're there enough. Second, oh yeah. Oh yeah. And this is not one of the drug dealers that just sells it and leaves. This guy sits there and chats with you for a while. I lowered nose. This is one of those. What type of drugs did you sell? I sold everything. Yeah. Co-Carlin, you name it. I had it all, but I haven't done any hard drugs in 13 years. Wow. Just for the record, electrical engineer, PhD, a book to one wind, and we're back to Killtoni. Here with Joe Newcomer, this is what I was talking about. You never unwind with a book in your fucking life, have you? You only use books to do lines off of, am I correct? Yes, absolutely. This guy wakes up with books. He doesn't go to sleep with a book. I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it. He's one of those fake speed readers. I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. Oh, I feel like I'm shocked. Oh, this book is shocking me. Oh, oh, oh. I need another book, because this one's for what you're getting, made it, fuck it, I need. All right, so Joe Newcomer, you are an amazing story. How did you get sober 13 years ago? I always ask everybody to get sober, because maybe we can help somebody out there that's going through a problem. Because I mean, I'm looking at you, dude, if you could get sober, fucking anybody could get sober. You did so many drugs that you're still high 13 years later. I didn't want to bring your room down, but I died 13 years ago. You really did? Yeah, well, I mean-- I'm twice in a hospital, but they saved me. Wow, what kind of microphone electrocuted me like that? So, right. This guy. Strange you, right? It is something else. So take us through with 13 years ago, just to straight up overdose. You're by yourself? Yeah, I was by myself alone in the hospital. It was my birthday as well. No, where were you? Where did you overdose? Oh, in California. But I mean, in your apartment, with friends? No, I had checked myself into a hospital about a week before that. So wait a second. You checked yourself into a hospital. I cleaned up. I got off drugs, got into the hospital so that they wouldn't detect drugs in me, and they would treat me like a normal person. And then I flat-lined about a week in-- Oh, from being sober. Your body, yeah, body. Yeah, it was just my organs were shutting down. Wow, the adults, fuck. And Riverside, Riverside, California. Wow. Shout out Riverside Hospital. All right. Amazing. They did save me. That is incredible. If anybody's wondering what Riverside is, that's the top right corner of the last Grand Theft Auto map. Yeah, I move from Riverside. Oh, Riverside, I'm sorry. Got it. No, you're good. So Joe Newcomer, how do you make a living, exactly? Well, I work at Bullseye Rich pub. I bark for a living. This man, on the end of the desk down there, he knows that I'm one of the best barkers in the city. You really are. I agree with Redban. You are one of the best barkers. Like I said, you're always out there with a smile, positive energy, a strong fist bump, a good hello, nothing crazy of all the times that I've walked by you. So many times, whether it's the first time I see someone or the 20th time, they always go, Tony, just to let you know, one day, I'm going to be on your show and I'm going to bug it. I'm going to rock that shit. You've never annoyed me with that. It's always just a positive hello. This is my hundred and 16 sign up tonight. One hundred and 16. Wow, so crazy. Some people get it their first time. Some people get fucking that one asshole, who was that dude Frank McGill or whatever. He's been on twice in like a month and everybody hates him. He's so unlikable. He brings nothing to the party whatsoever. And meanwhile, you sign up 116 times. That's years in a row. Wow, and you just did it with a positive fucking energy. And here you are, grateful and happy. Amazing. Give us another fun fact about your life, Joe Newcomer. Fun fact about my life is that I believe every one of us can be happy. Every one of us can be happy. Yes. And after I meditate every day, I leave the house with this one saying, I don't care if I deserve to be happy anymore. I'm just going to do it today because I'm capable of it. Fuck is serving you anymore. Let's go. Yeah. I love it. You got Kino, the lighting guy, inspired back there. That's amazing. And he's never happy. He's a miserable wreck. That's what's so true about comedy. Mistakes and fuck-ups resonate. Nobody cares about fucking perfection. You fucked up your back. You're swinging for it. I love it so much. I'm in pain every day walking around. You miss it? Yeah. Oh, no. Pain makes me feel like I'm alive. Yeah. Wow. What a positive energy. And look at all the women that complain when they have a cramp. Wow. I ordered an old milk. I need a, I need a Tylenol or something. Can I ask you a question? Yes. What's a Barker? Barker is a guy. It's like, hey, if you want to see a comedy show, come right this way. How do you do it? Show the people how you bark. Do it like you do it on this street. Like, hey, put a little giggle in her wiggle and bring her to a comedy show, bro. Yeah. That work. All right. The people walking in. It's a great air conditioning. And beer. Get in there. He's good. He's good at what he does. There's been a couple times where I was going to meet a friend at a bar or something. I almost went to a fucking comedy show. No, I'm kidding. I would never in a million years. But you're good. You're good at what you do. Joe, so fun, so positive. You're just a fucking like a breath of fresh air, even though you look like you wouldn't you don't know anything about anything that, all right, show new camera, ladies and gentlemen. You did it, Joe. All right. That's it. Great stuff. Keep signing up. You'll get shot of Eric and maybe in another 116 weeks. We having fun out there. How we doing? Good. All right. Everybody. Your next fucking poll goes by the name of Chris Bach. Everyone. Chris Bach. Hello. I just got a haircut and I don't really like getting a haircut, you know, because I was sitting in the chair getting done, you know, and he's with the machine, he's doing some, you know, he's doing the line where the hair in the neck stops. And then he's taking the machine and he's doing some neck hair, which, you know, is completely normal, you know, and then with the machine, he's just going further and further down. You know, it's almost like it was a bit insulting, you know, because I didn't know I had heard that back there, you know. And I only went there to cut myself up here, you know. I wasn't like, why don't you start here and then see how far down you can get behind my shirt. All right, Chris Bach. Welcome. Welcome, Chris. How are you? Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? This is my first time. Where are you from? You have a little accent there. I do. I do. I'm from Norway. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. That is incredible. You're a neighbor. I know. Yeah. Yeah. You kind of look like me too, holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to another episode of Secret Germans trying to blend in with society. I'm pretty sure all of your dads were Nazis. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you. I mean, yeah, you seem German as hell. I think I'm Norwegian. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But some Nazis fled to Norway, am I correct after World War II? Yes, and some Norwegians also fled to Germany. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. How old are you? I'm 31. 31. How long have you been on stand up? Doing almost three years. Three years. Yeah. All of it in English. Uh-huh. Mostly in the Norwegian. Yeah. I like the fit too. The white jeans, white T-shirt, and then dress shoes. I want to look nice for the show. In Norway, we look nice, huh? Yeah. In Norway. In Norway, it's one of the worst audience you've ever seen in your fucking life. These people are a calculative cold-blooded, just, it was an amazing show. Yeah. They stare. And if they like you, they clap a little bit. Yeah, they clap. Yeah, yeah. They don't really laugh. There's no verbal laughing. That's why I like the US, you know, because you guys laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Sweden is the same way I've performed in Sweden in giant theaters in Sweden and they kind of just go like yeah Like that Yeah, after the show they go we loved it and I'm like really? They're like yeah, we don't laugh That's I can also do I can do an American accent though, okay? Which I don't think you guys if I talk like this just the whole time I think you guys would have just thought I was one of you. No, you know. Yeah This was you changed nothing if I would have talked like this. I bet you guys would have thought I am one of you Wait, wait that was the I got one I am very black Do a black impression. This is amazing. I want to hear it now. Yeah Yeah, no That is not the end word I was hoping you were gonna say right then Wow You do have a lot of black friends not a lot. Oh wow. Are they in Norway? They are in the U.S. That's right That's right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, you guys probably can tell I have lived in the U.S. since that's why my English is so good Yeah, how long have you lived in the U.S.? I went to school at Arizona State University. Oh my goodness. How did you end up going there? There's a guy that definitely didn't go to college that What was the question? How did you end up going to Arizona State? Oh, it's a lot of Beautiful girls there. That's why you selected that place. Did your parents like pay for it? No, our government did. Yeah Norway is insane. It's insane. They got everything. They have it all They have it all. I want to do comedy in America. Bap, bap, bap. They have it all figured out. Are you from Oslo? Almost. Virgin. Okay. Burgling. Yes. Beautiful place. A lot of wooden ships. And we do have an also wooden houses. Yes. Yeah. Definitely. I am wooden shoes sometimes. And yeah, okay So Chris Amazing. What else do you do? How do you make a living now? You're 31 now How do you make a living? What type of a murder hotel do you owe? It's I just have a regular job, you know, like most of you probably. Yeah. What is the regular job? I work I work in a bank Oh, you work in a bank. Yeah. What kind of bank? It's a normal bank Sounds suspicious to me my friend Would you like to trust your funds with me Mr. Bogg? You're a psycho, dude. Is it a blood bank? Are you working? I can't this is a retarded cheering section over here. Subundant obese people Knocking over glasses with her fat elbows and shit How long have you worked at bank Four years four years here at Teller I'm not a teller. What do you do exactly? I work with corporate customers corporate customers. Yes. Okay. Like an offshore accounts No, but it's it's crazy for me to to be here in in in Austin. I just I just Wow Very suspicious ladies in gentlemen. We're trying to change the subject in front of four million people Yeah, no, nothing illegal. It is Austin is crazy the music the scenery the street a lot of homeless around here. I've seen a lot Okay, nobody I I I'm kind of just like you know, okay. It's all good. Yeah, where'd you fly in from? Where'd you fly in from Arizona? Bergen Bergen. No, I live in Bergen now. Oh, I live in Bergen when did you get in? When did you get in? I just got in today Wow two hours ago. Oh my goodness. What was your flight like? What did you what what airline did you take what class? Well Basic basic economy. They're a basic economy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah in the back. What row what row number making the economy seats worse and worse Just imagine just okay 17 hours. Okay Don't like do you need music foot. No, thank you I'm going to America Crazy Norwegian sold it. Oh, yeah, nothing. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah No, oh, yeah It is true. I mean you guys are cold as ice. It is incredible. No, I can I can actually be really expression Oh There it is. Oh show us something else. Whoa, what is that the only one you got? Hard for him to do oh I have so many expressions. I am I am a doctor telling you how they go You have two weeks to live But also you're having triplets with It's a little good news in there. It seems seems like you're pretty excited about that You're coming inside a beautiful lady Right, yeah, I feel like Oh My god Oh my god, you are incredible so you still really happy to do stand-up comedy it is an incredible art from I'm chasing my dreams I love it. I love you still live in Bergen. You're in Bergen right now. I'm in I'm in Bergen But I'm gonna be here, you know for in Austin. How long my visa? How long do you think you're gonna be in Austin 90 days? Exactly 90 days. I know the visa Yeah Yeah, okay, so how are you planning on spending it here in Austin? What are you looking forward to you literally got in from Bergen the other side of the Fucking world today tell us what are your plans for the next 89 days here in Austin, Texas. I think I'll pick up a book Wow, I know just the man for that wait till you meet Dr. Chuck Hell yeah, come here my friend. I will show you all my collection Why are you stabbing me in my own home young man? I thought you were a good boy How could you do it with no expression? All right, all right. I got it's pop. All right, let me ask you this Because I mean you're so you You are you know and what we would consider like in an emotionless expressionless cold-blooded Norwegian, right? So that's at least how what we have you labeled as stop looking like you're plotting something. Yeah You are basically let me explain to you Chris stick with me over here You're basically as white as it gets. I mean you are villain white. You're wearing all white. It's incredible You have black on your shoes because I'm guessing you stepped on them on your way in here That's the vibe that I get so let me ask you What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Is there something that you do sometimes or maybe something that you know any could the answer could be anything But I mean you're just so white. I got to know what is the blackest thing about you. I Do go to the barber shop pretty often. Oh wow Wow incredible That is amazing. It was your whole set was about going to a barber shop. I believe he has the exact same hairline as me like I see Yeah, it is amazing. It's a good hairline. No You see how far it's no, it's it's masculine to have receding here Very good. What's your dream girl? What type of girl if you you don't have a girlfriend, right? No, okay, so here you are. You're in Austin, Texas I mean the place is incredible the most beautiful women in the world you can have anything every different flavor There's beautiful fucking latinas. There's beautiful black voluptuous black women. There's there's chicks that make it look like their tits are bigger than they actually are by squeezing them up and in and together at the same time even though they're totally just eight cups. There's all different there's chicks from Baltimore that fucking have hot slutty vibes and floppy fucking tits and look four months pregnant. I mean they are there are different shapes and sizes of girls absolutely everywhere. You can you can have anything in the world. Let me ask you because I know you don't have I know you don't have latinas and fucking Norway and I know you don't have black girls in Norway. Yeah exactly. I am here to meet you at the sexual time. Everybody in Norway. I am coming now. I am coming now. Thank you so much for interaction. Your Uber is on way. The bloodline continues. Your Uber is on way. Hold on let me say in my American impression your Uber is on way. Are you see because I I unleash in the bedroom. Oh really is that true. Tell us more what types of things do you do after you tie them up and slit their throat and fuck the pro. Finally I am feeling something. I unleash I unleash on you what types of things do you do in the bedroom. Teach us something. You just you know a relaxed guy. You're so tense. I am so relaxed right now. Do you like you like to be on top and like tell them what to do be a good good girl. Do you have to answer this? What? Do I have to answer this? Yeah. Yeah you're on the podcast buddy. You know the deal. You had a good minute. The barbershop shit was cute and all but now we're getting to the nitty gritty. We're going some surgery here. Yeah but I kind of like that to be so I'm like a dirty little boy. Yeah show us show us on the Ari Maddie what you would do to a girl. Oh my god like I don't think he can show you because they take all their weapons at the back door when they let them in. Come in like good show. Ari is fully committed this guy. Remember I'm just a guest okay. Look at the way Ari looks at this guy. You wonder why all these Eastern European countries are always at war. Just look this is this is the making friends everybody. This is them sniffing each other out at the dog park right now. Oh my god. What do you say? This is incredible. It's going to be the first guy to die from embarrassment. Whoa. Look at this. This. It is killing Tony. What a country. Chris Bach. A fun times man. Welcome to America dude. This is it. Here in the mix. Thank you. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. Big Bob. Chris Bach. All right. Final fucking pool of the night. And then we're putting a rip in on this thing. Adrian's got them are Dulce Mac everybody. Dulce Mac. I'm from Venezuela don't shoot. I got here before the whole thing. My family used to be rich in Venezuela. We spent all our money on kidnapping ransoms. They gift them back you know for the right price. Like here they're like eat the rich in Venezuela. They're like let's just borrow them. Now it was hard when I started dating in America because guys always wanted me to speak dirty to them in Spanish. And I had never had sex in Spanish before. So I just like name things around their room. Like La puerta. Los zapatos. You can't say go myself so they know that one. They also cheat a lot here. Yeah last time I had cheated on was someone really close to me. Yeah I broke up with him but I stayed friends with her. Because you only get one mom or whatever. Dulce Mac. What a set. You did it. Welcome welcome. Welcome Dulce. Have you been on this show before? I have not. Wow. First time. That's incredible. I've known you since Los Angeles Dulce is a part of the whole like comedy community. Best friends with Kim Kong bin. Best days. You came here tonight with Dedric friends with Dedric Flynn. Yeah best days as well. Okay very good. Just trying to explain a little bit of background here. How many times have you signed up for the show do you think? Just twice. Wow. Incredible. Fucking poor Joe newcomer. Sun of 119 times comes up here. It's electrocuted by the microphone. I'm good. Did you notice he drank like water and he's left arm kept hanging. He had a full on heart attack kept going. I really thought something was wrong. I was about to have you. I was about to have you before we realized it was just the microphone. I was about to have you drag his ass out of here because I'm like it ain't happening on camera. He can go right behind that curtain and go fucking die. It ain't happening. Last thing I need is that fucking heat. Kill Tony actually killing people now. I can't believe it was a white guy. Get the show going. He's turned on the whites now too. He hates everybody. White man electrocuted live on killer. All right. He would have loved to die here. That is true. Joe newcomer. He's going to be happy wherever he dies. I've seen you. Of course we know it. I've seen you so many times around Austin scene. I love the dead pan shit. Your face says nothing. You just deliver it down the barrel. I love it so much. I've seen you have great sets all around town. You're a great comic. Yep. Very fun. Dolce tell us about your life. We know nothing about you. What do you do for work? Right now I'm on tour with Kim. Wow. And I take photos on the side. You take photos. You get paid to take photos? Yes. Oh my goodness gracious. What are you taking photos of? Comedians that need headshots. Wow. Incredible. You make a lip. You can make somewhat of a living doing that. She does great. She does great. Yeah. She's great. You know this? Yes. I have no dose I for a long. Is she taking pictures at you? No. Because if she makes you look good she's great. No. I'm out of the tender profile pictures of the guys here. Me. Okay. All right. What else do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? You seem like every chicken, Austin. You have a bunch of little bad tattoos. Kind of misshapen. Seem unhealthy overall. But all right. I'm joking around. Shut up. I play pool and I do Pilates. Oh. Basically a pool and Pilates. What type of Pilates? Pilates. Sounds delicious when you say it. There's a lot of green. I can't cook. I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. Wow. Hot matte Pilates. I'm crazy. You're crazy. You know, I never really got Pilate. I literally don't know what it is. It's kind of seen the setup for it. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? And someone's like, that's a Pilates table. And I'm like, what? I didn't ask any more after that. It was created by a man to help. Well, we knew that part. Hello. So was fucking everything. Wow. It was created by a man. Wow. It's going to be an art form where she taught me 101 and they stretched their pussy in front of me in absolutely different positions. Hell yeah. Yep. Hell yeah. And that's exactly how the class goes. Amazing. But you way basically you strap in and stretch out. Basically, I wish you asked about the pool instead of the Pilates. But. All right. Where do we put the balls? You got the black one you lose. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I need fucking put balls and holes over here. All right. Uh, Dolce, give us another fun fact about your life because pool and Pilates and you're really. Whoa. How did that happen? Are we married or? Sure. The whole thing. We were both in percussive and. Or best friend had died and we were like, "Let's get married." -Wow. -Then he had deported to Spain. -Wow. Oh, my goodness. Who was the president during this deportation? -Just kidding. We all know. [ Laughter ] -I'm so deported back to Spain. Oh, my God. -All right. I have to do more flamenco. -Yeah, it's not that bad. -It was sick. -It was sick. -Yeah. -Do you miss him? -Yeah, sometimes. -If he wouldn't have gotten deported, do you think he'd still be with him? -No. -Why? Why do you think he would not be with him anymore? -Well, he was -- he would cheat and he would get kind of crazy. Like, he would try to jump off the balcony on the car. -But that's like Spanish. That's like, you know, like -- If you do not kiss me tonight, I will kill myself, you know? That's Spanish, you know? It's like -- -If you want something new to it, there's a Norwegian guy, I know, this guy. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -You can't leave me. [ Laughter ] -I will still follow. [ Laughter ] -Don't say -- -You know, don't say -- I'd love to have you on the "Secrets" show, Thursday. -A lot. There you go. There's don't say -- don't say you're the big joke, but -- There you go. Don't say that, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. -All right. I lied. One last bucket poll. Is that all right? [ Cheers and applause ] Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get through this one quick. Make some noise for me since cement. Everybody, me since cement. Here we go. Now we know me since. There's a minute for me since cement. -What's up, guys? How you doing? I went on a date with the girl recently. We were boozing it up. We were drinking. And after the date, we're walking to her car. She goes, "Hey, when we get to my car, don't judge me." I was like, "What the fuck does that mean?" It's a weird thing to tell somebody after a first date. You know, like, "What do you have a dick or something?" And I'm a progressive guy. I tug on it. [ Laughter ] It's not gay if there's titties. [ Laughter ] -Is this gay? [ Buzzer ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] It's a bit of a loophole I found. [ Laughter ] So we get to her car, and she pulls out a breathalyzer to start the car. And I was like, "Shit, lady, I've had three of those. That's nothing to be embarrassed about." And then she goes, "Well, this is what I mean." And I'm just like, "Penis, penis, penis, penis." And then she reaches into her back seat, and she pulled out an industrial strength there, a mattress inflator. You know, the reverse vacuum. She put it to her breathalyzer. [ Buzzer ] The car started. I didn't know whether I was terrified or turned on. Then she handed me a cold-miller light from her console. She said, "Buckle up, stupid. You're in for a good night." All right, guys, that's my time. [ Cheers and applause ] -Mason Smith, is that a true story? -Yes. -That's incredible. -Yeah. -Wow, yeah. -Wow. -And it worked. I was so impressed. She drove me around all night, drinking. -I love -- -I love banging on an unhinged woman. -Oh, yeah. -Yeah. -And, you know, what else is funny? She -- later -- We said we had sex later, obviously. She was wearing a girl. -Obviously. -A girdle. -It's kind of a chubby. She a little bit of a slam-pig. -Sure. -And she -- [ Laughter ] -Sure. -So we're about to fuck, and she goes, "I'm a little embarrassed," and she just undid her fucking girdle, and it was like, "Pfft." And I was like, "Oh, no!" But I'm a trooper. I still did it. -Hell, yeah. -I mean, you're kind of fat yourself. Biggers can't be choosers. -I'm solid as a rock. -You are? -I don't know. -You don't look like it. Yeah, your arms are. -It's only the arms, but take a show of this. -Yeah, I mean, what are we talking about here? [ Cheers and applause ] -Look at that. I mean -- -Yeah, look at it. -What is this? -What is this? -I just really like states. [ Laughter ] -Wow. -Wow. -I got Massachusetts, and -- -Oh, my God. [ Laughter ] -That's a man right there. -Yeah, buddy. -Wow. -Mason, you've been on this show. It's been a long time, am I correct? -Yeah, I haven't done it since it was at Vulcan. -Yeah, you used to work at Vulcan, right? -I think I was their longest story guy. I was ever four years. -Yeah, what do you do now? -I work at Creek now. -Hell, yeah. Okay. I would tell us -- what have we missed about your life the last few years? -Uh, not a whole lot. Whenever -- I mean, just -- my podcast is really starting to cook. -What else? What else? What else, Mason? [ Laughter ] -I was on the podcast. -I was on the podcast, by the way. The first month I moved here, they uploaded the episode. The audio was so delayed by seven seconds, it's like un-listenable. -We re-did it, and we reposted it, and it's got my most viewed one. -Wow. -Yeah. -No shit. -I've also had Holtzman, Kurt Metz. -Okay, all right, Mason. Enough about your podcast, starting. -Are you, like, gay, too, sometimes? -Oh, I mean, I'd fuck a trans. -All right. -Oh, that's almost a-- -That's like a little gay, I guess. -Mason, we're keeping a move, and this is the end of the episode. Thank you so much. Mason, Smith, ladies and gentlemen, let's go. -All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the night. We're only one person concludes a show like this. He's an absolute phenom of all the regulars we've had. I mean, this guy has pure momentum right now. Never a dull moment. Absolutely unbelievable. He is a true anomaly. -Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you this is the real deal, Pat O'Neal. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Buzzer ] Folks, recently started taking Kroff McGaw, which, if you don't know, is an Israeli self-defense and combat system. Pretty intense stuff. In the first class, we learned how to blow up a hospital. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Gotta get them before they get you, you know? [ Laughter and applause ] There's a new black panther. Could have fooled me. [ Laughter and applause ] And I don't know who's gonna tell the black panther this. But every panther is a black panther. That's what makes them panthers, you know? Like, the movie wasn't called 12 Years of Black Slave. [ Laughter and applause ] You wouldn't call the NWA the black -- All right, well, you get my -- [ Laughter and applause ] If they weren't black, there'd be leopards or drag wars, you know? Civilized cats, okay. Thank you. Wow, Pat O'Neal, ladies and gentlemen, has done it yet again. Absolutely mind-blowing. Thank you, folks. I mean, you've gotten to the point to where the crowd goes crazy upon your name. The crowd goes crazy upon the trademark, folks. What I love about tonight is you are now getting laughs on your setups. I noticed you said I've been -- I've been doing craft megaw lately and the crowd just started dying of laughter. Nobody in the world believed it, they're all long. They're all long for the ride. They know a big right turn is coming here. They don't know what it can be. You've got all of us fucking laid out on the hospital line. The black Panther shit is no pun intended black belt material. I mean, you are absolutely fucking shockingly incredible. This is an amazing thing for, I think, the world or the viewers to get to see what the fuck exactly is happening. Like, why -- you know, it's almost like we're living in an age hour special is almost dull compared to watching somebody win every single fucking week. I mean, this is just amazing the process of watching you dominate with high expectations every week. You're crushing it. Let's talk to the other greatest regular in the show's history. Ari Maddie. They're great. You're awesome, Pat. By the way, you know that, right? And I love the -- you have the folks. That's an amazing catchphrase. And the way -- even when you grab the mic, you're still nervously moving around because that's who you are. You're not trying to hide that. Every joke you deliver is by the book. You like really work hard. I see you at the mics all the time just working on your shit. And as a -- as like a regular myself, you know. So I can't like critique you, you know. You're awesome and you're absolutely killing it. I'm so proud of you, buddy. Thank you, Ari. You're the best. This is your first time on this show. I don't know if you've ever seen Pat O'Neal before. But every week he goes at this tempo, this intensity, lightning fast jokes, squeezes it all into a minute, and absolutely lays the place out. You've seen it all over the past, what, four decades? How long you been doing stand-up again? Five decades? Dare I say? Keep going. Oh, my God. Six decades? Holy shit. So you've seen it all. Well, I started in the Soviet Union. And you can imagine that it wasn't like easy to do comedy there. everyone here would be arrested and we had the department of jokes, yes it was funny yeah I wish I was making this up so and then you submit your material and you have to then the bureaucrats decide what's funny what's not wow yeah yeah would you like to hear some jokes they wouldn't let me tell wow okay okay okay you heard this joke no they would they would limit you know stuff like they tried to open Taco Bell in Russia but Russian government didn't like the slogan run for the border they would not or or Russian women are like buses that was it so they would not allow that but I was doing stand-up there and this is very your style is very very unique and very intense so there is nobody I don't know anybody that done something like that's what's luck with that he's an unstoppable machine so you hear the mic just shocked me really really no no that guy was having a shot the shock came right after his arm went like he's okay ladies and gentlemen you got to see it live in the flesh one more time from Pat O'Neal everybody guys tonight you guys a fucking see a legend how about one more time for Yakov smear not everybody you can get tickets to his court Yakov dot com Y-A-K-O-V dot com he's going to Chicago Boston Atlanta Sacramento San Francisco Hartford Denver St. Louis LA in Tampa and check out his theater if you're ever near Branson Missouri the Yakov theater it is laugh your Yakov tour with Yakov how about one more time for Yakov smear not ladies and gentlemen and ladies and gentlemen are he maddy dot com also on tour St. Louis Worthington Florida Providence Houston Sacramento Kansas City Eugene St. Louis Minneapolis Tulsa fucking Chicago somewhere else unbelievable you guys are working very hard you guys are working like Russian this is what happens when you get to live the American dream you take advantage of it one more time for the great legend Ari Maddie Yakov smear not guys we're going to Las Vegas in November we're going to Dallas next month Houston after that and of course New Year's Eve New Year's Eve on at the Moody Center here in beautiful Austin Texas we do an arena every year to bring in the New Year and tickets go on sale for the next mothership drop that is September 9th at noon central standard time those tickets are for September 21st all the way to December 28th all those tickets sell out in about one minute so I don't know whether to tell you to refresh your browser getting a queue I don't even know how to do it anymore but we promise you there's no like pre sold tickets so you all have a chance all at once yet again to get tickets that sell out in a minute don't complain to us or write an email to the website nobody cares it all just goes at once everybody buys them all at once but you do have a chance to get a ticket for the arena New Year's Eve good luck with that you can you can do that red band is a stand-up show every Thursday called the secret show at the Sunset Strip comedy club if you like big laughs and high ceilings make sure you check that out and can I say something yeah I was I was a little nervous about coming here doing this this audience was incredible we have the best minds in the world thank you people that love comedy and thank you Tony of course fighting me it changed my life I don't know my audience might watch this and never will talk to me but I enjoy the very much well we loved having you yuck up we love we love people of all different fucking shapes and sizes and ages and wisdom and as a former comedy stork door guy and you being one of the original Mount Rushmore comedy store guys that made it a successful hit you paved the way for literally all of this app and this show started in the belly room of the comedy store 13 years ago I built physically I was a carpenter there yeah yeah and I was the one who was building the bellroom wow oh my god how it all well I didn't speak English and the owner of the comedy store gave me a job and that's how I learned and that's that's full circle amazing the great midsy sure started it all for all of us when I was when I moved here you were one of the first person to write me a very nice message I really appreciate that thank you so much it's so much love here yuck up you are the fucking man we're gonna have you back anytime you want you're looking at it another episode of Keltzoni we did it again we love you guys God bless you good night everybody thank you good night you [BLANK_AUDIO]