#783 - GARY OWEN + BRIAN SIMPSON

Hey this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHangeCliff.com for everything the GoldenPony TonyHangeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey this is RedBam and coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Killtony. Get over Tony! It's Glow! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? You made the go to the line right here ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all the land. Make some fucking noise for them. Raul Balaijo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael González, Nachos Belgrande, the great white pudding mat muleing on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys, and the almighty powerful praise B to the one and only D madness on the bass guitar. Oh my lord what a show we have for you tonight before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right before we get into it I got to tell you guys about something we just launched Killtony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up, you get every new episode ad free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to Killtony dot supercast dot com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters. Go to Killtony supercast dot com. All right back to the show. Good evening. Tonight sponsors, Maryweather Farms natural beef stick. And if you know anything about me you know that I love a good beef stick in my mouth. How about you Red Band? I love them beef sticks. Of course you do Red Band. You look like your blood type is gas station teriyaki. You son of a gun. Roasted. These aren't gas station beef sticks. These are made with real American beef raised without antibiotics or added hormones. Oh my goodness. That is absolutely incredible because I know you love antibiotics or hormones. And this is amazing. Those aren't in there. He's right. It's one of the rare times which Red Band is right. It's real American beef. Not some imported mystery to made with retired circus animals on the floor of a bus station. There's savory packed with nine grams of protein and easy to take anywhere. Red Band loves easy stuff. Work the gym, your truck or Brian's bedroom where every snack becomes a cry for help. But they taste incredible. And that's all that matters to him. And unlike most things Brian puts in his mouth, you can probably tell your family about these. So go to Maryweatherfarms.com right now and use code word Killtony to get 20% off your first order beef sticks. That's M-E-R-I-W-E-T-H-E-R farms.com. Wow. Red Band on the spelling. Maryweatherfarms, natural beef sticks, real American beef, bold flavor and enough protein to help you survive another open mic or one conversation with Red Band. That's Maryweatherfarms.com and Code Killtony for 20% off your first order right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, every single week I like to book it fresh. I like to book it hot as good as it can possibly be just the way that I want it. This week is no exception. This is one of the shows where there is a guest on that I have wanted to book on this show for its 13 year existence. And I've never gotten to have them until tonight, tonight we jam. And I matched them up with one of my favorite local comedians that I work with every single week. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the funniest fucking comedians in the world. It's the great Gary Owen and Brian is in the house. Oh my god. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for the Killtony debut of Gary Owen. Ever since I was a door guy at the comedy store, I was watching this guy fucking rip the absolute roof off of especially black rooms. And there was really only one white guy, fearless enough to do that at that time. And it was him. I mean, just absolutely dominating and I would be there at a hundred and twelve pounds in a comedy store t-shirt watching from the back of the room after seating everybody in their seats. And I thought to myself, wow, maybe one day, maybe one day I can make an all black audience laugh the way that he does. And as you saw at the Kevin Hart roast, I accomplished that mission. But Gary, you're the man. Welcome to the show. Thank you first time. Hell yeah. We're gonna have some fun. And I've matched you up perfectly with my great peer, the powerful Brian Simpson. A man who gets it. On the opposite of you, Gary, Brian's been ripping white rooms for the last thirteen years. It's been absolutely destroying only white audiences. So this is perfect. This is a fucking, but I was combined. Yeah, that's right. This is an episode that everyone's gonna enjoy. I love it. Gary, this is your first time on the show. Over 250 people signed up for this mammadjama tonight. If they get pulled out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then. They bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that wraps up their set. Completely, I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Wow. I'm gonna let this Japanese hooker pull the first name out of the bucket. Congratulations. And while we go wait for that bucket, pull to be wrangled. I have a golden sicka winner who has not been on for quite a while here to give us a brand new minute. Make some noise for the return of Charlie Mack. Everybody or comes Charlie Mack? Come down. Y'all I just finished my last tour of man. I went to Germany. If you ain't never been to Germany, Germany is nothing like what you expect. So many different races, religions. I'm like, wow, Hillary would be pissed. Come back like, what's the fun? You have zoos and niggas. And that tour was called "Fuck them kids." Don't Google that. You don't end up on a list. Y'all gotta be careful with y'all. Google Google almost got me sent to jail. Like my sister called me. She said, bro, I just had my son. But we got him a circumcision and it don't look right to me. I said, I don't remember mine. I said, I got you. I'm a Google baby penises. She said, you better the fuck not. That's my time, y'all. Thank you. Charlie Mack with exactly 57 seconds. Welcome back to the show, Charlie. How are you? I'm great, man. How you doing? I'm fantastic. It's good to have you back. Great set. Welcome back. Let me ask you something, Charlie, because I'm looking at your smile. You have very tiny teeth. How does a man with such tiny teeth smile for the crowd? Because you just stop smiling. He knew, say that's what people do. You make fun of them for the thing and they stop showing it. It's like, oh fuck, he's about to get me. You have such tiny teeth. How do you eat so much for a man with such tiny teeth? What exactly are you getting pre-tued beef or something? It's good for pussy. Oh shit. All right. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. Okay, in that case, how do you gain weight from eating pussy? If you got an accident, you ain't that good. Oh shit. Oh shit. That's right. Everybody looks at me. You know, that's a bad pussy. Oh my goodness. Is this your guys' first time seeing Charlie Mack? You ever seen anything quite like crime? Fine. I just met him today. Yes. Yes, nice to meet you guys. Nice meeting you. You told me you was going on a world? Yeah. I'm actually about to be the first black comedian to do all seven continents. Oh shit. Yeah, all right. I booked 43 countries, you guys. So it was just a little hard 'cause it cost money and I ain't got no money for it. I booked it, but I don't know how I'm gonna get there. - Wow. - Seven condoms, I mean, an article? - Yeah. - An article, too. - Wait, wait, wait, to see those pictures. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - Someone's about to break the ice up there and I'm gonna start to go. My goodness, seven continents and all the condiments. Look at you. This is absolutely incredible. You sure you're doing Antarctica? What kind of agent do you have? Who's booking you on this fucking show? Oh my God. - My cell, yeah. - Is there a venue that you're planning on doing Antarctica? - Excursion, through South America, into Antarctica. - You're taking an excursion. And you're gonna walk. Are you walking from South Africa to Antarctica? - But even not black people swim, so. - I don't think you're swimming the Arctic Ocean. Do I have this mess? I think it's the Arctic Ocean's the other. I really don't know. This is crazy. I bet you have an aunt named Antarctica, but I don't think you're doing Antarctica. Optica Jenkins, WNBA, power forward. (laughing) - Oh my God, Charlie Mack, you are so interesting. - He is. - Seven continents, which one are you most excited about? - I'm Africa. - Oh, wow. - They don't try to keep me. - Yeah. - I bet. - The Arctic Ocean. (laughing) - But I feel like if you booked it but you ain't paid for nothing, yeah, you're just kind of broken down. You ain't really. (laughing) - They don't know that. - You raising money or something? - You ain't trying to do a go for one of me. I'm definitely trying to get sponsors and everything, but it's hard. - Oh, so you don't, it's not a book. - No, the cities are a book. The way to get there, not. - Right, that's the side. That's two plane tickets everywhere. (laughing) - She's not lying, she's not lying. (laughing) - Flying must be really hard for you, right? - It's not that hard, I just get Southwest. You get a second seat for free. - Is that true? - Man, it's true. - Southwest, enabling us, motherfucker. - Hell yeah. I'm about to go on a diet and they said, two seats, take one free, I said, for him. - Oh my. - In that case, I done. - Oh my goodness, I love it. What else is going on, Charlie Mack? Man, I created a card game that I actually want to give you guys all the copy of it. I created everything in my damn self. - Oh wow. Look at that. Wow, look at that. - Yeah, the game is called Right That Down. It's really for comedians or party people. You draw a prompt card, then everyone writes down an answer to it. Like one says, what's the worst thing to say at a funeral? Will he write it down and whoever got the most points wins? - Okay, all right. And you invented this? That's incredible. Where can people find this up? - They can find that on my website funny Charlie Mack dot com. - Funny Charlie Mack dot com. That's Charlie spelled with an IE. - If you start that go for me, I'ma donate the first $100. - Oh yeah, I already started it, yep. You can definitely find that on my Instagram at funny Charlie Mack to go find me on the link. - Thank you. - Brian's gonna donate $100 under the name anonymous, I'm betting. (laughing) - This is gonna be a documentary too, so we're filming it. - Oh my goodness gracious. - Wow. - Trying to do shit nobody else done. - Antarctica would be one of those things. (laughing) - That was a reason. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm also a radio personality here now in Austin. - Oh. - Okay, ZI88.7. - Wow. - Amazing. - You do have a body for radio. That is incredible. - In the face. - Yeah, you're killing it Charlie. Well, way to get tonight's show started, man. I love it. You got it going. The party has started one more time for Charlie Mack. Everybody, here we go. To the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen, as you guys may know, this is where shit gets a little crazy. Absolutely anything can happen here. We might find our next great talent out of this bucket. Or it could be just a crazy person that didn't prepare it all. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, makes the noise for your first bucket pool the night it's cousin Maddie, everybody. Cousin Maddie. (upbeat music) - How are you doing tonight, Austin? Hell yeah, when I was 23, I was having bloody shits. I told my primary care and she said, get a colonoscopy. So I did and the drink the night before was even remotely the worst part. I gave them my weight and they went to town on my fucking asshole. Problem is anesthetics didn't work and I was half awake the whole fucking exam. Apparently the doctor and I were having a full blown four long conversation and I don't recall what was said for bait 'em, but I remember the key words, UFC and climate ganger, that was pre-dick pick. He has more in the cardio back then. Call me guys, folks, 'cause I got friends in low places and one of them recently told me there is a g-spot for a gay anal sex. Well, I saw, I conquered, but I most certainly never came. And that's how I know I'm not a fucking homosexual. I am, however, three years overdue for fallup and probably haven't asked for cancer, but I don't have health insurance and I'm terrified to go back. Thank you very much. All right, cousin Maddie. That was an interesting story. Hello, cousin. He was reading the hostage note. There was some real twang in that set. Some real twang in that set, almost like you're a gay guy that's afraid your dad is gonna watch this. And that's how I know I'm not a homosexual. Tony, and that's coming from me. I barely have to change my voice to do that gay impression. I really just changed the essays. Tony, my dad's a dad and I, in fact, his six-year anniversary is coming up on September 3rd. So you know that he's watching from heaven right now? Yes, sir. And you don't want him to know your gay. Yeah. All right. (laughing) $20 is $20, and the Killtony appearance is a Killtony appearance. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what that means. What do you do? You definitely do know what that means. I don't know what it means. Explain it. What does that mean? $20 is $20, it's like, you know. No one knows what that means. But it's broken. No one knows what it means, but what it means is it's the pocket of Tony. It gets people going. Okay, all right, I just said that. Okay. Kazan Maddie, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Attempting. A year. One year. Where at? I'm from fucking Boston. Okay. Do you still live in Boston? No, I live here. What do you do for work? I bounce at the Dizzy Rooster. In fact, I've seen you pass just about every Thursday night. You have to talk a little bit slower, dude. You bounce the Disney Rooster? Yes, two doors down. You bounce at the Dizzy Rooster. Yes, I'm nervous. You're a bouncer. Yes. Very interesting. They have you out there bouncing. Yes. Of all the people, you got Charlie Mack out here making fucking card games at 450 pounds. And then we have this guy. I'm bleeding out of my apple. You get out of here, mister. You're not allowed in the Dizzy Rooster anymore. You got Charlie Mack being creative and mending shit. You got these A-A-Z white dudes out there fucking bouncing at bars. Bouncing a dick. Right, right, right. Red band. Red band. I'm working more of the fucker. I have two jobs, actually. Hey, my job. What when I was bouncing on his tail. All right, all right, Red band. Take your win. Take your win. What are your two jobs? Blow in hand? I work at Spencer's during the day. Oh, god. Oh, my god. I work at Spencer's. You think I'm gay? Come see me at Spencer's. Hey, it takes one to no one, Tony. That's a good, good one. All right. Whoa. You know what they're two, because you've seen a thing or two. What? OK. All right, Jesus. You say like six words at once. It doesn't make any sense. It's the thing or two. The thing or two is the thing or two. All right, the thing or bang or bang. Can you do me a one favor? Can you, like, suffer and suffer the day? I'll say. Suffer and suffer time. Very good. Very good. Nailed it. Nailed it. OK. Cousin Maddie. When you're not working at Spencer's or Bouncing everyone out of here, what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your actual life. Hitting on single moms. Really? That's what you're into. Yes. Wow. When you're hitting on single moms, what's your big pickup line? What do you have, like, a move that works? All right. You want to go have season on a bastard? Wow. All right. What's another one? You have another big line? You have one that works? I mean, I usually go contextual. So I see what's around me. I use my surroundings to my advantage. Yeah. I feel around. Nothing. You could get arrested for it. It was surprised anybody didn't know. My dad was a fucking state trooper. And I have a clean record, believe it or not. Wow. How did he die? He got him. He got him mowed down by a Prius and Massachusetts. He got him by a Prius. Oh, my God. Normally. Normally, that's a fucking broken ankle. Actually, who dies when getting hit by a Prius? That's incredible. That's like-- that's like getting killed by a bird scooter. This is amazing. He got mowed down by a bird gared out. It was actually-- it was at 54.7 miles an hour. Oh, my God. He survived and died two years later. And he adds F's into things, by the way. Accidentally, God has such a great sense. He was 54.7 miles an hour. It was a spectacular celebration. Oh, my God. You are incredible. That's one word. So did the guy-- did the person driving the Prius? What type of person was it? Did she look like that? It was a-- it was a he. It was a he. It was a he, and he was actually gay. Wow, he was gay. Now, were you talking like that before the gay guy killed your father? That's a question, because there could be some psychological transfer here. I've seen this movie. It's like in "Fepshan," there's something. I was a pretty heavy drinker, so I talked to a lot slower. Oh, wow. I'm sober now. How did you get sober? Tell us your trick to getting sober. Put the ball down, went to martial arts, and did this? Partial arts. I did "Moi Tai" and "Kavagah." Oh, my God. Just from alcohol? Yeah, yeah, just alcohol. I'm open to marijuana. I wasn't off. [LAUGHTER] So, you know, just a little bit of meth. Hey, the hot stuff. Hey, Brian, I actually gave you a light when you were walking by a dizzy rooster one night. You were walking by and you said, hey, you got a light? I said, yeah, actually I do. I went down my coming mothership lighter. You gave me a light? Wow. Amazing. That's amazing. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So you know "Kavagah" and "Kavagah" and "Moi Tai," you said? Yeah, I train "Moi Tai" and I'm a little rusty because-- A little rusty. Hope you don't mind. This is amazing. The dizzy rooster or Spencer's or celebrations. That's another bar. I'm the first bucket boy. I didn't get to have a sip of wine before I-- I didn't have a sip. I didn't have a fucking sip. I did not have a sip. Sissor. No. So it sounds like one of those little "Ebihan" bottles that can spray your face. I swear to god, Tony. If you make fun of the way I talk one more time, I'm going to-- hit on your face. No, I just put the fuck out of here. I was sewing your face, I'm not like that. No, I train "Moi Tai," I train "Kavagah." Wow. So you're just baiting everybody with these zesses. You just want someone to make fun of you so you could just rip their fucking penis off and shove it up your ass. Yeah, we got "D-Madness" getting uncomfortable back here. The famous homophobe "D-Madness" on the bass guitar. This guy is-- he does it. He's like, those zesses sound suspicious as a motherfucker. I can't see him, but he's saying gay as a bitch. [LAUGHTER] Oh, shit. I'll tell you what, buddy. You're leaving here with a medium-sized bucky's homage. Handmade-- -Size of lunch. -Size of lunch. -Size of lunch. -Kill Tony jokebook. There you go, pal. Andy drops it. [LAUGHTER] Fun times, cousin, Maddie. Way to get the bucket started for us. There you go. So you see, that's how it goes. Sometimes the minute, not great, but the interview can be amazing. Oh my god, it's the only idea, everybody. Live in the flesh. All right, alien, that's one bucket pull down. Hello there. It's a scorching sports summer. And you can make all your picks on price picks. Women's basketball and baseball are heating up. And every football preseason game is kicking off. This month on price picks. America's number one sports pick app, you know? I've been getting in and more and more into football as preseason ramps up, especially with all the rookies and players on new teams trying to make an impact. And price picks gives me an easy way to follow all the action. I can make a lineup by selecting more or less on player projections at a few players together and track everything right in the app while I watch. -The football-- -The football preseason is here and there's no better place to run your game than price picks. Build a lineup with players, stats, pick game winners, spreads or totals, and combine them in the same lineup. It's available in all 50 states. -That's right, download the app today and use Coach Tony to get $150 instantly in line ups. If you win your first $5 lineup, download the app today and use Coach Tony to get $150 instantly in line ups when you win your first $5 lineup, price picks. America's number one sports pick app. We're getting word. He's back at the ditty roaster. Picking up a ship and fencing some air out. All right. Your next fucking pool goes by the name. Obviously, anything gonna happen here. People make some noise for Clifton Harris, everybody. Here we go. -What up, y'all? I've been doing comedy since 1984 in a different venue. For the past 42 years, I've been a professional rodeo clown. -Thank you. Traveling full time, I raised my kid in the business. We were Hollywood and Bookerhead. I'm Hollywood Harris. And my little boy named Bookerhead. We traveled all over the country. And we were in Johnson City. I was in Johnson City just a couple of weeks ago. He was at the PBR this weekend. Anybody go? That entertainer out there, Brinson James. That's my little Bookerhead. So I tell you what, we've done a lot in a rodeo. But this comedy thing, pretty new, standing up here in front of everybody. I figured I'd tell a few jokes and not get run over. All of the other comics, they get ripped by Tony and heckled a little bit. And if I bomb, I get a horn in the ass, all right? I don't know. I've never had one enter my ass, but I've had two friends of mine that have ripped their colon apart. But just keep going Clifton, just keep going. Punched in the ass also one time. So hard. It gave me a nosebleed. I wouldn't open for about 30 minutes. It hurts. Trust me. Thank you guys very much. All right, Clifton Harris, ladies and gentlemen. Let's check in with Brian Simpson first. I feel like somebody told him the interview was first. He was. Yeah. I had no questions for you, Clifton. See y'all, thank you. No, amazing. I'm kidding. Stay up here. You wish, mother fucker. I was so gay. He's my first time here, but this is more gay than I thought. Oh, it's crazy. You're here in the-- Oh, my god. We did. We went from an actual gay man to fucking Dallas Buyers Club over here. [LAUGHTER] This is absolutely incredible. So you were a rodeo clown for 42 years? I still am today. Wow. 42 years. I'll be in Cherokee, North Carolina next week. Oh, my god. The following week I'm in-- All right. That doesn't matter. Yeah. You're going to be there, anyway. See, you have a son that does it as well. I do. How old's he? 33 now. Super star. He just worked Madison Square Garden last year. Wow. Amazing. We just got back to Madison Square Garden. That's the only major building. I think that I haven't worked myself. And I got in the PBR. And then they went into Madison Square Garden out after I got out. Wow. You got out at the wrong time. I did. But my son, you leave it to your kids, man. You hope they do better than you. Amazing. You passed the red blanket. We've been blessed. Very blessed. Wait, is your son also being a rodeo clown better than you? Yes, he is. He's been doing this since he was two years old. Yep, he started in the act with me at two, grew up, and started flying around the country with me. So some real carnie shit, right? Well, carnies and rodeos are way different. Really? Tell us about the differences. We don't know. Tell these kids. Who's a cowboys? The real deal. I grew up in the cattle business. My dad was in Waco, Texas. I was born there. We moved to Florida in 1970 to ship cattle back west. So, you know, rodeo just kind of came in the field there and guys did it that worked for my dad and I always wanted to ride bulls. And I couldn't ride bulls. So, I rode buck and horses all through high school and a scholarship started clowning and they fucked up and paid me. Wow. And we've been blessed. I've been wrecked and I've been blessed. What's the worst injury that you've had out there getting ran over by bulls? Well, I was in Boston one time and this guy-- where this guy-- the bull stepped in his nuts, all right? And I grabbed him. The bullfighters took the bull the other way. And I run in and grabbed him up. And I took him to the fence. And I got him up on top of the fence. And when I got on the fence trying to get out of the bull's way, it kind of leaned back and I was like, oh shit, I'll just sit real tight. Well, the bull hooked me in the ass. And I expected to pull the fence. OK, red man. What do you have your finger hovering over the part button? You are such a child. This is about a man's integrity on the line here. Don't mess with-- don't mess with his integrity. I watched for a year if he's never had that timing yet, but good job. Oh my god, that's hilarious. Burn. Fuck you. With wood. Oh, I love that clipped in there. But anyway, the bull hooked me in the next thing. I know I was ripped off the fence. And I looked down and my pants were stretching. And I'm, oh my god, but anyway, he hung his horn in my pants and ripped him down around my feet. and I was hung to his head for 50 seconds with no pants on was it the last comedian he actually they were they were right around my feet And they wouldn't come off and so I was swinging any kids both shoulders out of joint and did a Joe Thiesman on this leg If y'all guys know what that is? Snacked it off. Oh wow and and but luckily You know time slows down when you're about to die. I don't know anybody ever about to die in here Time slows down when you're about to die and you go good Lord help me and everything Are you about to say that the Lord came down and helped you right now? Is this my my pant my shoes came off Oh my pants came off and I took off crawling to the fence This silver's completely out of joint this arms broke and when I roll over my legs going younger. Right, and stories are really long Exactly, I was hoping the story was gonna be less than eight seconds, but In rodeo fashion Clifton, let me ask you this. Here's the question on everybody's mind I do believe do rodeo clowns get a lot of pussy Well, let me answer that to you. I got pussy I actually met my wife in 86 and you know, I'm 85 degrees about I think it was July 21st 22nd I don't know The Sun set at 7.56 and in their sun rose at 8.23 I was actually wearing a fruit of the loom on my bottom at Target. She thought I got her Walmart I swear to God. I can't believe spider-man's on its a fucking movie man I missed it first. I remember Batman when it first started. That was so good Adam West and he was good Christopher Reed. He actually died on the horse. I actually bugged it And then my son get more pussy than me They about nail it pretty much Amazing amazing, but what's the real story you've been married the whole time? Are you out there fucking? Oh, yeah God, I'm out of hope she ain't watching No, I was married for 27 years. I fucked all of that up. You know what I mean, so yeah It's I got a good one now and it's it's been a real good life, you know But I've learned a lot of stuff on the road. I found some stuff you would never ever find. Yeah, like what Short story That's good. That's so fun. I found my son another son You found another son that you made out there tell us about that. I don't care how long it takes you I want to know I'll give you the rest of the episode. This is like the fucking guy from the Big Lebowski that's at the bar Well, that was the story of Lebowski that day We didn't know anything else about him. That's just who he was. I found my son that day All right, let's hear it. I was in Bronton, Texas Got hands me over a letter. I'm in clown outfit got hands me over a letter and I look at it and I was like Hey, man, I'm a glass as he read it later. It's not important and I took it over to my girlfriend I stuck it through the fence. I said read this. Give me a thumbs up or thumbs down. I need to know that's kind of how we do thing Oh, yeah, and I took off and did the cash gamble at the rodeo and I came back and I'm looking through about three fences and she's going holy shit Boy, and I was like what and she goes oh What so I go over to the fence and I said what do you fucking talk about? He said his wife body man says for this year She had bought me ancestry last year. I figured I'd be up to my belt buckle in them by now. Uh-huh. And I go over there. It took him that long to find me. I guess clown DNA ain't that common, you know, all right Must be the nose, but I look up in the crowd and here's this fucker looks exactly like me. Oh my god Exactly like me and he looked he looked 65 years as old as well Actually, I'm 66 today. Wow look at that Unbelievable But this guy Looks exactly like my dad my dad's twin brother my son my brother. He looks exactly like the rest of us wow and He's amazing. He's a retired Navy his wife's a doctor. He lives in Waco He's from Coleman, Alabama. Wow just by happenstance. He lives in Waco and found us on the internet amazing And we have been blessed ever since I tell you what this a family come together and and Waco is my hometown How would you know amazing? What are the odds that a good life? That is incredible and you're proud of him He's not gay or anything He does have a jeep to get the little ducks on the wheel Yay Someone's been shopping at Spencer's Totally nice. I know he's gay. What do you oh? I love it man? I have an old man question I know his your glasses are like separated to think is it like I'm oh my oh look how cool this fucking cow boy Look at this guy. I play I play a lot of poker. So I need to see wow look at you You are a real man very rarely do we have real men on this show? Especially out of the bucket. This is incredible tell us tell us. What do you think is you know your whole life? You know everything. What is the most manly thing about you before I let you go? This has been a long interview for such a terrible set, but you are an intriguing man and I love a good interview And this is my only chance. I'm gonna have you. I don't know. I think just being a little bit vulnerable Wow powerful answer. That'd be the probably the biggest thing I could do over the Over over the but there's a bunch of you a bunch of you. Hey come do my fucking job pussy. Yeah And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do one of the rare things where the minute was just okay But man the interview so goddamn good and honest and cool. There's a big joke, but my friend So fun. God damn we got all shapes and sizes so far out of this bug We got a little homo and an old tough guy so far What can happen next make some noise for your Ivan Volkoff everybody here comes Ivan Volkoff. Oh, we've seen Ivan I watched new moana movie recently Just pretty good. It was a little girl find precious object and water and put back into volcano mountain It is like a lord of the rings or people who want to watch something less gay Ever since a producer and ladies man Harvey Weinstein go to jail Hollywood movie not the sexy, you know moana was on island full of native peoples and Dwayne the rock Johnson had the best teeth I don't care that they were fake. I still pay $20 to see them But YouTube is new Hollywood now YouTube Hollywood going into the garbage YouTubers making movie. I can already hear these sexual allegations Mr. Beast told us Let's want to take their hands up his balls get a thousand dollars It was terrible Thank you Ivan Volkoff ladies and gentlemen Ivan you were famously on the show just a few weeks ago or a month ago or so and what's that right around then? It was a well back. I think a while but a month and a half. Well, welcome back. This guy is a Mexican You're a Mexican with a Russian name and of an extremely Russian accent. Yes, but you've never been to Russia. No, never unbelievable Does anybody here believe him? This is absolutely incredible, but you spoke with your dad so much as a child that you sound like that now Yes, this is what this is what these sound like whenever you speak English And that's really how you talk all the time. Most of the time When do you change your voice whenever I'm Mexican restaurant? I ordering food. Can you can you? Can you can you can you can we hear how you would order at a Mexican restaurant or how you talked to the waiters at a Mexican restaurant? Absolutely incredible. That is amazing. What Michael? What did he say what did he say Michael? Oh, wow some chili. Keele is pleased. They're delicious. They are delicious Now I see you have a girl. Did you have a girl in your mouth last time you were on yes? You did and I just didn't notice it Give me a little smile. Let me see that. Wow Absolutely incredible. You have a Mexican heritage a Russian accent and black teeth. This is amazing That is amazing. How long have you had a girl before? I've had before about maybe six years, but this is common my grandmother on my mother's side She have gold teeth so Mexican women have gold teeth and little bit of mustache, but that's okay You have your you have your grandmother's mother gosh as well. Thank you. Incredible. Wow and what did you and your grandma's in Mexico? No she she in the ground already. Oh my goodness that is not Chile Kiles at all. But she's still in Mexico technically. Right. Yeah exactly. Exactly. Amazing. Wow. Yes she is. Amazing. So how about dad is dad still alive? Yes. He's in Mexico. Yes. And he's being Russian in Mexico. Am I correct? Yeah he's he keeps doing self you know. What what does he do for a living? What does a Russian guy do in Mexico for a living? Because it seems like all the Mexicans would have all the jobs for sure. I mean they have most of our jobs so I can't even imagine how much they're dominating in Mexico. I don't know. He hear it. I ought to know. So I think he just you know hanging out taking his time doing nothing maybe. What are what are he used to do? Do you know what he used to do? He's still okay drugs. That's the vibe. I'm getting worse for sure. Was that basically it? Was he involved in maybe some crime? But now it's all good now. We call it the waste management. That's right. Okay very good. I had a feeling I'm not going to ask anymore because I've seen some docs on these Mexican cartels. I can't imagine what the Russian guy in that shit is like. I bet he's literally wearing a sex trafficker costume. That is that you could buy that at the Spirit Halloween store under sex traffic costume. Clarence. Grill fits any size. Amazing I've been and remind me how do you make money nowadays? What are you what kind of hustle are you on? I do electrical but I recently get promotion. Oh yeah. Tell us about this promotion. I do quality control now. So what exactly do you do you just kill people if they do a bad job? No no no no. What I do is people do like they put product out. They put what? Oh product yeah. And then I make sure product okay. Yeah. It's not okay. They no longer get to do it. You did that first if it's not okay. Yeah. They lose John. I slit throat. I slit throat. I do chilly, chilly. Yes. I'm you know in this protection program. Are you sure? I think they sent you away. We're going to give you some gold fronts. Yeah Ivan. Yes. We're going to teach you Spanish. I think it's Russian for one. So the Russian John had to be very bad very bad with this protection name. They give me. Yeah Gary's just white for white. Okay. Man you are amazing. What do you do for fun? I let them go. No ten second head start. You go ahead. Go ahead. If you seen a paca lips though. A little cat in mouse is never hurt anymore. Oh my god. This guy is unbelievable. A little cat in mouse. I fucking. He wants his brain. Bad like not real. Not real. It's not believable you know. But seriously for fun what do you do? You must have some hobbies. You have a hacky sack or anything like that. There must be something that you're into. Some wacky type of side hobby. You end up something. I like to do. It's hard to explain. I like coloring book. You see this don't need to think coloring book. Yeah I like to. I like to play cards a lot. I like to play lots of poker. Poker tournament. I like to go to pawn shops a lot. Oh tell us about that. What do you do with the pawn shops? Because you look to sell his web. You do. You look like the final boss of the video game pawn shop. You make it to me now. Good luck. He looks like he gives you a mission and grants a photo. Yes. Yes. It's fixed. Absolutely. He's not denied any of this. He just laughs so long with that. We're all going to die. My god. 20 story. Oh yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Whenever I first sign up I thought that was signing up for a job. I said everybody want to kill Tony. What is this? Yeah. Absolutely. A hundred percent. They do. What kind of card do you drive? You are a classy mother fucker. This is some interesting. We've had a couple real grown men on this show today. Look at you. I can't see him talking to a girl. Would you like to fuck? No. Okay. I move on. We don't ask. We don't ask questions. Yeah. He doesn't ask. This guy. I'm sorry. We don't talk. No, it's going to happen. Confidence. You're going to have confidence. Wow. Do you have any kids? No. What is your secret to not having kids at your wise age? Sometimes I like to paint the canvas. You know what they mean? Oh, absolutely. For sure. Hell yeah. He's talking about flattering the blood of any girl to say she's pregnant. Wow. So that's your trick. That's your trick. You pull out and then all of a sudden they're the wet back. Yes. I've been Volkov. I find you so entertaining. You just got a big joke book a month ago, right? Yes. Well, perfect. And what's up? One more thing. I want to tell you I meet Patrick Warburton last time after you did you did the impression you met him. I met him. How did you meet him? I met him at Comic Con. No way. Yeah. Yeah. And he did you show him your impression? No, he's seen it already. Oh, wow. He gave me nude photograph and he tried to kiss me. I bet. I mean, for real, he tried to kiss me. He's assistant film everything. I asked him if can you do can you do an impression of what he said to you? He said, uh, uh, we'll make out. That's what he built me. That is the craziest talent. Well, say that in Spanish. That is amazing. So, obviously, Patrick Warburton, huge Killtony fan was watching that episode, found you and then you went to Comic Con to meet him. What kind of Comic Con was this? It was the one in Belton, uh, just the, it was the one and where? Belton, Texas. Oh, okay. But what I do is just like a regular Comic Con. Yeah. I meet him, uh, Pink Ranger. I meet her. Who? Amy Joe Johnson, the Pink Ranger. Oh, the Pink Ranger. So funny. A thick Russian accent. I'd meet the Pink Ranger. She gave me a picture. I give her a picture of mine too. Wow. My God. The fall off from Patrick Warburton to the Pink Ranger is unbelievable. Beautiful lady. She is. Oh, my God. How hard did you rape her? No, I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You would never. Never. I would never. Many respect for Pink Ranger. Wow. Where did you? I can't see. There's no rape. No, you say yes. You say yes. You want to, no, no, you say yes. You just said yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It is so funny because we're trained. We're trained as Americans since we're little kids that you hear a Russian accent. It means I'm going to kill you. I will destroy you. I will eat your whole family. And then all of a sudden it's for them, no, we respect Pink Ranger. It's just the gap between what we're hurt. It's told to expect from that accent and the respect for the Pink Ranger. That's your favorite one. There's no, that's your main Ranger. Pink Ranger. Pink Ranger all the well only Ranger. Pink Ranger. Is that the original Pink Ranger? She went by what? Kimberly? Yes. I remember that. See, I remember that. I had an nephew, that's my, I was never into the powers of Ghostbusters kid, but I had an nephew that was obsessed with the Pink Rangers. And I happened to be an unbelievable uncle. So I remember that because I would converse with my nephew. Yeah. I'm an unbelievable uncle. It is true. Wow. Fantastic. You are so goddamn interesting every fucking time you're on this show. I love your style. You already have a big joke, but keep signing up. I want to talk with you more. Some long interviews tonight. I got to be honest with you, but the people are so damn interesting. It's so good. There goes Ivan Volkov. Hello there. If you've been sitting on a business idea shop, if I make it easy to turn that idea into something real, you know, when I launched the killmarch.com storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setups. Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. One of the biggest things I noticed early on was how smoothly customers move through checkout shopfi, checkout, help more people complete their purchases and returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction free experience gave me the confidence. And so the sales side was working the way it should. And once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building this sort of actually growing the business. That's right, designing things myself, the class of Killtony, NASA hoodie, and so many other wild successes. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend more time doing that, designing and improving products, connecting with customers, and finding new ways to grow. - It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first time entrepreneurs to major brands. The infrastructure is already there, you just bring the idea. Because I don't have to spend a bunch of time on the technical side, I realize the other day that we could be selling de-matteness knockoff sunglasses and just upcharging you for more money. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/Killtony. Again, your free trial is at Shopify.com/Killtony. - On to the next bucket pool. We're moving along smoothly here. It makes some noise for Alan Fox. Everybody. (upbeat music) Here comes Alan Fox. Everyone. - Holy shit, what's up, guys? - Um, and not expect to get pulled up. Alan Fox is a stage name. My actual last name is Kim. And I was really fighting like whether or not I want a stage name or whatever I'll go with Alan Kim. 'Cause anytime you tell someone that you want to do comedy as an Asian guy, in Austin, people like, "Oh, like fucking Hans Kim." Like, "Oh, fuck, can't I have a different fucking hero?" So like every time like people are like, "Hey, like you want, you like comedy?" Like, "Hans Kim, are you guys cousins?" And it's like, "No, bitch." Like, "I don't know fucking Hans Kim." You know, it's just like, it's just, I don't know, like, there aren't too many heroes as far as like Asian comics go. There's like fucking Bobby Lee and there's Hans Kim. And I fucking like 'em both. Like, they're fucking dope. It's just like, "God damn it. Like, can't I have like a different hero than just those two?" You know, um. Like, there's no, I'm not sharing on them. Like, they're fucking, like, they seem cool, but like, I don't know. I met Hans Kim once. He's like, "Two inches taller than me." And I was like, "Fuck you, man." Yeah, that's it. Thank you very much, cut. Alan Fox. Only talking about Hans Kim for his minute. Trying to separate himself from being confused for and everything with Hans Kim. Former regular of the show, "Hall of Famer" and a legend of Killtony folklore. And to distance yourself from this misunderstanding of being often confused for Hans Kim or asked about Hans Kim, you've chosen tonight. Just solely talk about Hans Kim. Yeah, I mean, like, you know, I have a very complicated relationship with him. I mean, he was just responding to my fucking letters, man. And like, I feel like, Gary, you're right. This is the gay show on Planet Earth. If I got to tell you, this is absolutely-- What's fucking wrong with that, man? What's wrong with that? This farts were gay and they were fucking bad asses. All right, it OK? OK, what's wrong with being a little gay? Nothing, I agree. All right, you're cool. You're cool. Bobby Shee relaxed. Bobby Shee. All right, Alan. How long have you been doing stand up? Oh, like a year, man. Oh, no way. Absolutely. No fucking way. Absolutely. How old are you, Alan? I'm 35. 35. What made you start stand up at age 34-ish? Because my friend was like, listen, are you going to spend the rest of your life being a drunkard? And they hang out at the strip club all the time. Or do you want to, like, a mount? Like, do you want to, like, beast? Or do you want to do comedy and do both? [LAUGHTER] Pretty much, man. Pretty much. Pretty much. How's the drinking going, good? Oh, it's-- you know, it could be doing better. I would guess by that set that you are just rock steady with it. You know, I legit, like, had no-- I didn't think I would be called up very serendipitous. So, like, yeah. It happens. It's a random bucket. I mean, that's the only way to get called up to the show. Well, I feel like as long as, like, I'm, like, cool in show, like, I'll have, like, an OK time. And, like, hopefully, like, I don't like-- Let me ask you this. Yes, let's do this. Because I'm starting to catch on to something here. Did you maybe have a few cold ones at the bar while waiting to get up here tonight? Like, like, a high noon or, like, a white cloth? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. A high noon or a white cloth or a high noon and a white cloth? Maybe-- maybe one of each, you know. Yeah. What else? What else? Because you seem, like, maybe, at a little something at lunch time, huh? I mean, that was, like, a good time, like-- Little socky socky before you sucky, sucky. What's wrong with that, man? I love it. Every time you call them gays, like, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with that, you know? We're not your dad. You don't have to, like, defend it. We're just making jokes. Are you from SoCal, like, Venture or something? I am not, man. I wish I was. Like, West Coast Asians are so fucking cool. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago, and we're not fucking cool. Right. Like, like, I put on, like, this is, like, my second favorite t-shirt, and, like, I put this on in case I get on, kill Tony. Like, if I was, like, from the West Coast, I'd have, like, a chain, and, like, fucking, like, Jordans and shit, and, like, my hair would be spiked. But I'm just, like, I just showed up. Wow. It's nothing, like, his voice. Yeah, I know. No, no, it's just-- it's from work. It's from work. I'm a fucking car salesman, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, shit has never been going well. Wow. He's, like, I was, like, saying, like, you're going to start tripping, like, something happened. And on a different trajectory. How long have you been selling cars for? Like, three years, man, three long years. Wow. And where they Toyota's or Honda's or-- They are Toyota's. Wow, absolutely incredible. How could I have known? This is the second time we've spoken about cars, actually. Really? This one time, I went and saw you, and I was in the audience. And you were trying to be, you know, work some-- do some crowd work. And you pointed at all the Asian people, like, I bet you drive a Civic, bitch. And then you call out, like, what do you drive, sir? He was like a Civic. And you're like, yeah, bitch. And the crowd goes wild. You forgot to mention that part. Yeah, because it's a thing that I noticed. It's my own personal racist studies. I've learned that Asian people are loyal to Asian car brands. And it works 100% of the time, except when I shot my special, that sucks. Well, then you pointed to me. There's an Asian, I've got an Asian lady ever to drive a fucking Tesla during my fucking special because her husband bought it for it, because it's self-driving, because he has an Asian wife. Anyway. No, dude, dude, dude, like, I'm sorry. My mother's like an Asian lady, but get the Asian ladies off the road. Like, I'm sorry. Oh, I love it. You're with them. What's this? Like, I've seen my mother drive a car. Like, we don't need more of that. Like, let's just-- Wow. You Asian ladies on the road. You said it, brother. Yeah. Hey, you've only been doing it a year. Keep talking about your mom driving. No more Hans Kim. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I'm not shitting on him. I'm not shitting on me. No, we know you're not shitting on him, but bringing him up, it's like just messing up your whole thing. You didn't do any jokes. You just kind of-- I didn't do any jokes. I had some jokes about being 35 and my life not paying out. But then I just thought of Hans. And he's like, two inches taller than me. And I was like, fuck that guy. We know that. We know that. I guarantee your Ivan's backstates. I can take care of him for you. I can take care of Hans Kim. No. He seems like a nice guy. I won't want something bad happening to him. He thinks I'm serious. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. I don't know. Let's see what's kind of me. I say, Hans Kim's life. Yeah. I'm a fucking hero, man. You keep mentioning that Hans Kim is two inches taller than you instead of saying two penis lengths taller than you. Asian penis length? Take the help either area, man. But credit score is higher than mine, too. Yeah, it definitely is. It's taller. How many-- if you had to guess how many toyotas you sold in the three years of being a Toyota salesman, can you give us a ballpark? I don't know, because sometimes I'm like really good. Sometimes I just fuck off. Give me a ballpark, care. Oh, I don't know. Let's say 10 a month. Well, that's more than anybody would have guessed. Like 10 to 12 is like, you have to be retarded to not sell 10 to 12. Right. I'm not using that word, you know, offensively. It's just like, crap. Guys, yeah, relax. He can say it. Look at his face. He has Down syndrome. I have Down syndrome. Like, if you could like put on your pants, you should be able to sell 10 to 12. Right. He's an Asian with Down syndrome. Or as we call him, our valedictorian. Oh, I was proud of that one. You guys-- that's a good one. You guys are smart until you become drunkard car salesman. It was implied that I'm a drunkard. What's your dad? Is your dad Asian too? My dad is Asian, man. Mom and dad both Asian. So at least sometimes I forget. But like, I like bump into him. And they're like-- And he's like, we are very disappointed in you. Ladies, fucking arm, man. You are not the funny and severer Toyota. I am not a good Asian, man. You are not the funny. I apologize. I don't dress well. Does your dad try to get you to go back to school? Nah, man. Not really. Nah, man. Does your dad know what you're into? Yeah, man. Like, I think so. Like, I've like the key to my-- like, religion in my parents. I've already done the most fucked up shit so like everything I do now is like totally acceptable I'm like well is he at least he's not doing No, no, no, no, not like what? What did you used to do that was more disappointing than being a gay kid ourselves? A closet fucking closet and man. There's a difference. Right. Oh, I'm fucking up. You're not in the closet anymore. I could be no No, you're not That shit the sale my friend. Can you get me out again? That Toyota has sailed my friend I used to I used to do hair on oh Wow like needle in the arm seven like for seven years. Wow. How did you kick that habit? What karate kick? You're being a little racist. Oh, it's so fun. It's so fun. It's being or if being if that's that's racist, then I don't want to be right I karate kicked it You're the miracle of God. I don't know what but like I put the needle down one day So like everything I do now is just like my mom's like you shouldn't vape so much I'm like, at least I'm not doing heroin. Dude Hans Kim would have laughed at that karate kick joke. Yeah He would have he would have loved it and he would have been much taller in center. I Am like a put I put on some weight recently. Yeah, I'm not proud of it. Yeah, like I fluffed out It is like like you look like a ponds Kim at a baby with a French bulldog I'll take that man. You're like a friendship. I think I think you'll I think your issue is you you are wrong about what's interesting about you What is interesting about? Well, I don't know yet You keep doing it. You'll figure it out Alan Fox and the meanwhile here's a medium-sized joke book Let's see if all drunky pants can catch this I got go to pride go to pride fix right now slash Tony and Place your back is it probably happening whoa look at that Look at that with the tongue out drunk as fuck There he goes Alan Fox aka Alan Kim All right, let's get a regular up here ladies and gentlemen. We have a one of our great regulars the rights and performs a brand new minute every week Makes the noise for the dark storm of Austin, Texas. It's dead-drink plate ladies and gentlemen area Dark storm guys can I open up to you? I've got a big fear of port of parties and I don't think I'm being irrational about that I think that's the scariest place to take a shit in your life Like I would much rather get caught like be in seven years old and elementary school taking a shit because my shoes We're down and then everybody just call you shitty booty boy until you in middle school Right because it's like a port of parties like terrifying like you ever go to like a festival and You don't they have his port of parties. That's the only time you start acting like women When you just you look at your homeboys like I got a peak and you please come with me like you Like all of y'all can y'all kid care all 17 of y'all come with me to be because I don't I don't trust these niggas would if they decide to flip it over You know what I'm saying? What if they decide to flip what if they start a riot and they flip over the port of party Can y'all watch out for me like his like what you know about being drunken and walking home And on the way where you walk a home you got a pee, but you see a port of party, but you you can't trust it, right? Because it cuz they know ring cameras on the port of parties like you know It says they could do whatever they want jeez that you go you go pee in the bush because bushes are safe, right? Buses are safe Port of parties aren't cuz we scared the same two things that can happen like you open up the port of party And it's just like a undercover cop and that niggas like I got jeez you got to be or worse. It's like a homeless wizard And that nigga convinced you that the port of party is a time machine But but you gotta touch the blue, right? You don't talk about y'all don't talk about that time travel blue Port of bodies you got to put your hand in there and it's gonna crawl over your body like when when Neil touched a mirror and the matrix Dark store I'm done Port of party two minutes of Nothing but truth about the port of party That is one of every man's greatest fear is having to use a port of potty Tony, I I lived in my car for three years. I'm used to shit now, so I right, you know, I'm saying but that shit is Terrifying man, and I'm sick of holding this fear in I'm glad there are people who can openly admit we can all be tough about that Do you are you scared the port of parties? I don't fuck when I we used to we used to when I was the ploy we would we would like dip the whole role of toilet people To make a little pile so the blue water didn't splash up. Oh my god Yeah, you got to pilot it up so you don't cuz that blue splash just stick to your butt hole and it and make you fit You feel different all day You gotta go home you don't fit you feel unclean. You can't wash it off. You gotta go home You gotta go to bed. You gotta take a shower go to bed. You gotta sleep in the bathtub Dee's going to use one right now. He's going to use the porter. He doesn't know what they look blue water I Got to see this shit Have you ever shit in a port of potty? I've never shit in one of well I mean it looks like you've shit in every one that I've ever gone into I got to tell you red band Those things are an absolute disaster you do Wonder when you see him you're like who shit in this? Yeah, yeah, you really think that the only reason to go in there Shit yeah, they specifically for shit. I mean you go like you say you don't you don't piss in a port of potty I'll tell you this I've peed I've gotten a boneroo and like music festivals and stuff when I was younger I've peed in porta-potty's I've pooped in porta-potty's but what I have never done in a porta-potty is inhaled A little fun back. Yeah, I'm like fucking David Blaine on that shit. I will I will tell you Go in and I come out. I'm as blue as the water on the inside I'm on my fucking bath bath can't pee in there I'm scared like some of the shit gonna come up through the stream like it's gonna swim up from the peak Oh, yeah, the blues gonna climb the piss and then get the balls. Yeah, and then you become a smurf. Yeah again No doubt about it. It isn't great. Oh, I literally. I'm like. Oh, yeah, exactly I'm I never believed in the COVID mask, but I will not inhale whatever the fuck's in there Man, yeah, you really covered it. Where was the porta-potty that inspired this material? Is there a specific one? I was this this was happening. Oh, yeah, this is me because I got open up to you Tony Absolutely. So give me some give me a little porta-potty background music here a little something for the porta-potty music We're pushing P right now a little porta. No red band. Come on So we had we had threw a crab boy like Carlo Sosa house. It was me him and Matt Mueller Oh, I have bored a bunch of crabs and shrimps and stuff like that and then I had left a house and then I went and I was I was getting drunk, you know, I'm saying not like that last dude that nigga like me at 130 and missies It's only eight o'clock now and so I was walking I took a lime scooter But it ran out of power and then when I was walking to my neighborhood I had to take a shit and I saw one and then the black inside of me said That's deep wow That's beautiful you guys didn't I mean imagine you do a saxophone song from the crap oil You did nothing that wasn't inspirational. You inspired that man That's what you know this nigga like a castle that he live in like that. She's like a Mexican castle That's just so fun. Did you shit though? Did you end up shit? No, um, no But I did I did remember that I can't run fast and so I did that you started running Oh absolute wait you can run so fast if you got a shit like you could you could run as fast as a car if you got a shit You can you can you can hop a fence like all of it. It was I was actually really proud of myself. Wow I was so oh, man. That's what I'm saying follow your dreams You don't say you can really you can hold like some of it got out and I threw that stuff away But what time what time of the night was this? When the moon was up. Wow amazing He goes off of werewolf time ladies. I love it. So people just saw you There we go. I'd love to know exactly where your limescooter died how far of a distance wasn't it was well So I didn't have to poop. It's like a off-the-lime scooter. Oh me walk. Oh, yeah, sometimes like cardio and caffeine We'll inspire you to have to pull all right. Let me I'll do a song about it. Oh, shit. Oh man come on good guys Let's take these guys on a walk down Riverside Drive We don't have no demand to see you're on base to these but you know that I was From doing the crap He's feeling weird, it's starting to bubble up Oh, shit's the bubblegum My scooters just died, my food makes hella bright I have to prove the emergency number two If it happened to me, it can happen to you You can run as fast as you say And bump into that ass is opening That was good, I appreciate that one That was a good job, good job, good job What I want to know is how many people saw you running and called the cops That's a tough life They showed up, but I was like, I'm Joe Rogafran, the perfect That's right, they're fine Get 'em off the fucking ground right now and go shit, sir! I was like, I was like, I turned around and was like, oh, dark storm And then he just put the gun back in the office That's it, that's how we're a single time It's a perfect living Ladies and gentlemen, Dedrick Flane, everybody There you go The one and the only And back to the bucket we go, everybody We're having fun, tonight we're flying through it Hello there, you know, every week I watch people come up here And absolutely destroy their self-esteem Unfortunately, Morgan and Morgan cannot help with that But if you're actually injured because of someone else's negligence now That's a different story, isn't that the truth, Heidi? My goodness Morgan and Morgan have been fighting for the people for more than 35 years They've got more than 1,000 lawyers, 100 offices nationwide And they've recovered over 35 billion dollars for their clients, Red Band So if your car gets totaled, you get hurt at work or somebody else's bad decision becomes Your very expensive problem, you can shut out Morgan and Morgan No doubt about it And let me tell you right now, you can go to forthepeople.com/toney To start your claim, their fee is free unless they win And again, hurt feelings do not count Let me remind you, they've won a lot of people, a lot of money And it's not easy to make a lot of money these days So go out there and just basically use them to make yourself some money Find anything you can do, make some money by using Morgan and Morgan If you have to create your own situation, then do it And use them, make some money, go to Morgan and Morgan Go to forthepeople.com/toney so that they know that we sent you And get yourself a little something extra Not one gay joke, not one gay joke, that is incredible It seems as though the show is straightening up, ladies and gentlemen, perhaps we can keep it going With the comedy styling, some fucking pool, Mark Donovan, everybody here got some Mark Donovan So guys, I just got back from taking a shit in a porta potty I don't know, it felt great I'm not in the best shape, I've been trying to lose weight Recently, I've been doing okay, I lost about 15 pounds last week Thank you, I can't find that dog anywhere And it was my brother's dog, which is, I mean, he's pissed now Now I don't get to watch his other dog while he's at a town So, you know, I lost his dog and I lost his trust But I got my weekends back, it's not all bad I work at lows, I sell flooring Didn't know that was a joke But I basically spend most of my day moving gigantic 50 pound bags of grout Which is just this fine white powder that ends up all over my upper body So I get home basically looking like I've just been tittie fucked by a very dehydrated ghost Yeah, and you know, that's all I got, thanks Mark Donovan Ladies and gentlemen, Mark, welcome, how old are you? 43 43, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've got about 50 sets under my belt 50 sets Yeah, it's taken about a decade to get that many Because, yeah Because you're so busy with the flooring? Yeah, no, I, my first set, I wasn't really trying to do stand-up I had a friend doing it and wanted something to do it with him Nice And you know, that went great Uh-huh So well that I didn't do it again for like five or six years And what made you want to restart it? What made you want to do it yourself? Is your friend still doing it? No, not right now Okay, so no No Right, okay No, the reason I started again honestly was I don't know, I enjoyed it, even though I sucked at it Yeah And I just sucked it everything else, it was like, why not? Absolutely agree I'm 43 at an entry-level job at Lowe's, let's try something else Why do you have that job? Um, it was, basically it was a job I got six months ago And uh. What were you doing before that? I had a window washing business What happened to your window washing business? I didn't like to sell And it's hard to run your own business when you give yourself the day off every day Right That'll do it, yeah Have you ever thought about selling Toyota's? I hear anybody can do it I hadn't considered it, but maybe it's an option What do you do for fun? You're 43, you have kids, you have a wife, you have anything No kids, no wife, no family No pets, no pets Any plants? You have a cactus or something for Christ's sake? No, nothing, I am unencumbered Wow, you have a fucking anything, you have a magazine or something? What do you got in this fucking place? How many roommates do you have? I don't know the exact answer, I just moved into the place a week ago You don't know a ballpark of how many roommates you have? I'm guessing four, I've seen. I mean, De Madness knows how many fucking roommates he has How do you not know? I've seen three, I've heard a fourth That's all I know for sure, I've never seen the fourth guy And there's like two other rooms in the house that are empty, so. Incredible, it's a great place Okay, so let's talk about it, how did your life end up like this? How did you end up being 43 and having the life of a 22-year-old Mexican boy? You were selling flooring at lows with a bunch of roommates and dabbling in some hobbies, like stand-up comedy How did this happen? Tell us, because we had an Asian that survived a seven-year heroin habit That is doing better than you somehow, and he's gay as fuck, by the way I didn't have to throw that in, I was just. I was just throwing my own entertainment What's wrong with that? What's wrong with he's watching right now? What's wrong with me again? What the fuck's wrong with that? Honestly, there's no real answer You didn't even do heroin for a few years or anything? I have the life of someone who's done a lot of heroin Tell us about it, what is the day in the life? If we put your whole life together and mashed it into one like median or mode or whatever the fucking right term is Day of your life, what would it be? You wake up at around noon, you make yourself a bowl of what cereal or something like that? For a while it was cereal, then fried rice Would you say full island of cereal? For a while Oh, for a while the cereal, what's your cereal of choice? You seem like a cookie crisp guy You seem like a guy that's just like, fuck it I'm gonna put milk on this dessert Well, if you're eating cookie crisp, you might as well just have ice cream But I usually go cinnamon toast, correct? Let me go to my cereal, ice cream is correspondent Brian Simpson here How are you so happy? I feel like you're not sad enough You got so much joy for somebody that got men going on at all No, Tony, I don't got no money, no bitches, I don't got no hobbies, no friends But I'm doing great You're not the first person to remark about that to me, and it is incredible It doesn't bother me Of course it wouldn't Look at you, you're happy as fuck Yeah, I don't know, I'm pretty content being by myself I don't need other people, I sit around and watch TV, play video games I mean you say No big deal But weep is good, okay There's a little comedian in there somewhere Mark, what else? I mean there's gotta be something We're missing what kind of hobbies do you have or something? I used to play a lot of basketball, I basically would enroll in school just to be able to play five or six hours of pickup ball a day Wow Sometimes 10 on the weekends, how long ago was this? About two, well I guess it was about two and a half years ago when I moved from Utah up to Dallas I had been playing about five days a week there What made you move to Dallas of all places? My family's in Dallas So I was in Utah thinking about going back to school and then didn't And then I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? What kind of family do you have in Dallas? Your parents? Parents What are your parents? What are your parents think about you? 43, Cookie Chris They are too okay with it Right, they're just like you, they don't give a fuck I guess, they're just happy as shit That's where you get it from Yeah, probably Sometimes I wish they would be like, fucking go anywhere else No, no, come back. Why are you leaving? I'm an old man. - Man, I need to be away. - Absolutely incredible. - Wow, this is amazing. This is amazing. - I'm prescribing you Asian parents. (audience laughing) - Your essay is unacceptable. (audience laughing) You have to get it together. (audience laughing) - I think it could work. - I need exterior motivation. - Oh my goodness. We've never had anything quite like this. - We've never had this level of content. - Content. - You just see 'em, tell us, did it load. - You like it. (audience laughing) - Hey, it's good, it's a floor, it's a floor. - Yeah, it's a good floor. - You're looking for a floor, that's a floor, it's a floor. - You want wood, marble? - Yeah, you're good. - Let's go from one to four, I give it a floor. - It's not far off. - Oh my goodness. - A lot of time people come in looking to buy a floor, you just go, yeah, it's right there. - Let me ask you this, since the thing that we've noticed, and I gotta give Simpson all the credit, one of the highlights of the show for me so far is him highlighting your unbelievable contentness with your life. Let me ask you this, what is a time in your life in which you have gotten passionately mad about something that really stood out to you? What does it take to wake the beast inside of there? - I mean, it doesn't take much, I have a lot of anger. That's about the only motion I ever have. - Oh, okay, here we go. - All right, so we can see him say it, but I'm mad. (laughing) I am really mad. Where's the cinnamon toast, bro? (laughing) That does help. - Oh, wow, amazing. What's the most mad you've been lately? What's something that you're passionate about when someone? - About, I guess about four or five weeks ago, I was still up in Dallas. I applied for the position in central Austin and they didn't give me an interview 'cause I lived too far away and they gave the job to someone else. - I feel like you would type a dude to get pissed off anytime there's like WNBA news. (laughing) - Yeah, you have a throw a dildo at the court energies. That's what you have. You're that guy, aren't you? - Oh, I'm not wasting those. - You're the bandit. Oh, see, that's funny, there it is. - We're back! - There's a little something in there. - I love it. All right, Mark Donovan, well, here is a, here's a, here's a, he's gonna be happy with it. - Yeah. (laughing) - You thought about that way too long. - A small joke book for Mark Donovan. (clapping) We're gonna keep it moving. The interviews tonight are fun. All right. Ooh, a lady, fun. Make some noise to your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Beth Ann, everybody. Here's Beth Ann. (upbeat music) - I had a friend tell me recently that when he first started having sex, he had to be high. When I first started having sex, I had to be unconscious. (laughing) Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. To heal from my sexual trauma, I became a stripper. Hear me out. I'd find a guy and convince him that for $500, I could fulfill all of his wishes. I'd get him to that back room, no refunds. Said on his lap, look him dead in the eyes and whisper. So, what's your first memory of shame? (laughing) Maybe I'd add a daddy in there to keep the heat alive. I don't think this kind of manipulation is cruel, by the way. I know what men really want. I know what they're looking for. And in a place like that, they're asking for it. Thank you. - Beth Ann, everybody, making her Kiltzoni debut. Welcome, Beth. - So I keep the microphone. - Yeah, how long have you been doing stand-up, Beth? - Since November of last year. - What made you want to start then? - I was asked to do stand-up for an album release party. - Okay. - They also asked you to stop. (laughing) - She came, she was hired as a stripper. They're like, "Uh, can you tell jokes instead?" (laughing) (audience cheering) Who asked you to do stand-up? I don't get it. I don't get it. Who asked someone to do stand-up for an album release? - This party. - My friend Tyler. - Okay. - How did that go? - It went really well. - How the room was my friends and the other half was Christians. - Christians? - Yeah. - It was a Christian rock release party? - Yeah, I talked a lot about drug addiction and most of the room couldn't make eye contact with me anymore afterwards. - Why? Why couldn't they make eye contact with you? - Because I was talking about being retarded on Xanax. - Oh, okay. - Wait, well. - Okay. All right, so let's talk about it, Beth. Are you still a stripper? - Retired. - How long ago did you retire? - Five years ago. - Five years ago. When you retire, what did they do? Did they put your underwear in the rafters or something? (laughing) - So stupid. I don't know. Did they make you go halfway up the pole? You have to stay in half-masked for a while. (laughing) You're looking at me so seriously. What made you retire from stripping? How does one exactly retire? - What did they club on mushrooms? And I realized what was really going on. - When you say what's really going on? What did you, what was the understanding? What hit you that night that didn't hit you before? - Well, I had a guy offer me $20 for sex. (laughing) - Welcome to my-- (upbeat music) - Red band. Red band. Come on, red band. Grow up, red band. Hit it again, hit it again, red band, come on. (laughing) - Okay. So, wow. - And that guy was like, you can come back. I got cinnamon toast crunches. (laughing) - I love it. I love it. 20 bucks. I want six. I swear I'm from Mexico. I'm a Mexican man. Do you like chili chilies? - What's the normal price? - It's like 40 or-- - Oh my God. - Red band. You can't do that. You're objectifying a woman. She's out of the industry. What is the normal price? Just other-- - No, I'm getting them. - $1,000. - $1,000? Okay. All right. I would use three condoms at once, but that's an interesting number. I love it. I love it. Okay. So a guy offered you $20 for sex. You're on mushrooms. What goes through your head exactly? - It's not going to be funny. - Perfect. Nothing else you set up here was either. So we're just going to keep it right where it's at, right here, live. This is Kill Tony. If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to, but it is-- I realize that given my history of sexual trauma that I was just putting myself in environments where I would continue to receive evidence that that was my-- - No doubt. A strip club would do that without a doubt. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM. Okay, so what did you do five years ago after retiring from the strip club? What does one who has mastered the art of stripping do after that? - I'm a life coach now. - Oh! Perfect! - I'm fully qualified for that. - In call, out call, red band, red band, red band, stop it. That is unprofessional red band. Do you do out calls sometimes? Okay, so explain to us exactly how you started life coaching. Everyone wants to know who these life coaches are. Where do they come from? What's their background? What's their training? How do they have-- I can't even-- I can't even-- I can't even-- - Yeah, well, it's a drug addict to stripper to life coach pipeline. I started to realize that I couldn't really get guys who wanted to do the strip club thing with me. But they did want to talk to me about their entire life story and all of their trauma. - Right. So instead of being at a strip club, dancing, having guys offer you $20 for sex, and now they come to you or you come to them. - I work with women now. - Oh, perfect. Perfect. And so what does the woman's life have to be like? For them to go, I need help. I'm going to go. I'm going to go with Beth Ann to help me get my shit together. - Yeah, maybe they don't like themselves very much. - Right, I like that. - I don't experience that problem at the moment. - Of course. So can you give us an example of a time that someone needed coached and you coached them and they succeeded? Can you give us a piece of advice or whatever that you gave them? - I was working with a teenage girl who had experienced sexual trauma and she was navigating some pretty aggressive, negative self-defense. of belief, yes. Yeah, so I supported her in reclaiming that story, nice. And finding a way to paint herself as the victor in this-- Well, that's good. That's great. Actually. Where's her wacky sound effect for that? Huh? What do you got there? Huh? What do you got? You just hit something. Hit anything. You're taking too long. All right, red band. Come on. Here, he's a wild boy on these sound effects, Bethan. Bethan, what else about you before I get you out of here? Give us one more fun fact about the life of Bethan. Sure. Help mention an insatiable trouble. You guys aren't interested in that? No, we are. [LAUGHTER] We are. We were just trying to pretend like we're better than that, but we're really not. So what happened to you? Come on, tell us all about it. We're a bunch of terrible men. We need a light coach, Blah. So you want something interesting? Yeah, anything. Yeah. The stripper pass wasn't enough. So yeah, I mean, I have all sorts of hobbies. I just-- You have any special skills or talents? Anything like a hacky sack or anything? Ping pong balls. Red band. Red band. You didn't have to say the balls part. Maybe she plays ping pong. Yeah. He was on stage earlier, I think. OK. [LAUGHTER] I have a lot of hobbies. I like to disc golf. Oh, disc golf? That's a good one. Help, yeah. That's amazing. I love it. I love it. All right, Bethan. Well, I love it that you signed up tonight. We have all different shapes and sizes of people up here. What the fuck was that? What was that? Deez, was that you? Hey, Bethan, I'm going to toss this little joke book out, yeah. There you go. Go inside. Red band. Bethan, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Bethan. Sign up again sometime. We'll see what happens here. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Shane Camp. Here comes Shane Camp, everybody. Hey, before I begin, is there a Glen here? A Glen, he's five foot eight, brown hair, brown eyes, 180 pounds, no? I had to try. My name's Shane, trying to quit smoking. I say, one way of giving up a bad habit, you got to take up a new hobby. I took up searching for missing persons. So if you guys see Glen, you let him know I'm looking for him. I know it's not a great description, brown hair, brown eyes, but this is Glen. He was last seen in 2009. Do I ever think I'm going to find him? Probably not. But if I'm not out there looking for him, who is? Absolutely, hilarious, Shane. Happy seven, Glen, teach your step in the show. Shane, welcome. Hilarious. Have you been on this show before? No. Welcome, welcome. You're a funny man. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up comedy regularly for four years. Four years? Where at? Pensacola, Florida. Wow. And what has you stuck in Pensacola, Florida, exactly? At age 18, I moved from Pensacola to be famous in television and movies in New York City. I don't know if you've seen them. I'm not a single one. [APPLAUSE] But Tony, every time I go broke, I go home. How long were you in New York for? Well, I was in New York from 2003 to 2007. I drove a yellow cab. Really? A young white man driving a yellow cab. One of the only ones. I met one other one. Wow. Was it Glenn? [LAUGHTER] It was a cool way to see the city. Wow, yeah. Oh, and tell us, you got any crazy cab stories? Being a young man in the cab in New York, I can't even imagine. I saw a guy get murdered once, and then I-- I had a rich white woman make me cry. Ooh, how did the rich white woman make you cry? Well, she told me to take Central Park, which I took Central Park in my cab. She went through Central Park, so she waited a while. And I just hear from the back, what are you, idiot? Wow. And just that-- no. But she went on just to bereave. Are you a fucking idiot? And then eventually, I just pulled over. I said, get out of my cab. And I had tears coming down my eyes. And she tried to give me money. I said, I don't want your money. I said, what I did was an accident. What you did was mean. You're funny, even when you're telling sad stories. This is incredible. He's an anomaly, folks. Wow. You are without a doubt the second funny is Shane in the world. Amazing. Amazing. So we have this story from 2000. Would you say seven to 2000? 2003, 2007, I lived there. I was working at the New York Comedy Club. And when I say working, open mics in front of other crazy people. Yeah, we know how that works. And then what? So you go back to Pensacola because you go broke. I went Pensacola. And then I went to Chicago after that to try and make it. And I didn't. [LAUGHTER] I went broke, went back home. How long did you-- how long were you in Chicago? Three, four years. OK, three or four years. Awesome city. And then New Orleans. And you were doing comedy in all these places. No, I gave up after New York. OK, what made you give up after New York? I hated myself. That's when you become a true comedian. I did get funnier after I started hating myself. Yeah, welcome. Welcome, my friend. So-- No, it was when I gave up. You know, I left Brooklyn right before COVID, because I got hit by a car and got epilepsy. So perfect. That also makes you funnier, by the way. All of these things. So the brain injury helped. Yeah? Yep. It does. It helps. And wins the last time. So then you went to Chicago, then Pensacola, then Pensacola, you stayed mostly. Yeah, I've been at Pensacola, which actually, after COVID, had a crazy comedy opportunity. So there's a lot of open mics. And I actually got more stage time there than ever in front of regular folks. And you still live in Pensacola? Yes. How do you make a living? Do you just-- you stand up? Oh, I've had like 40 something jobs. Oh, I love it. Right now is like cabinets. Cabinets? Yeah. So if you guys need a base 36-inch cabinet, I'm your guy. Wow. Technically, you could get your whole place done here at Killtoni. We have flooring cabinets. You're leaving here with a brand new Toyota Camry. A deck of homemade cards. Lifecoach, congratulations. You have a new lifecoach, everybody. Because that don't stretch. All right. Um-- [LAUGHS] Wow, Shane. How are you? I did quit smoking to come here. My wife, the only way I would-- I spent all my money to go to Madison Square Garden both nights and then to come here. So I have $100 left in my name, and it's totally worth it. Really? Wow. You were at both MSGs and didn't get pulled. You were up there the whole time. That's the way it goes. God damn it. We needed you, especially fucking night, too. Jesus Christ. You would have fucking brought the house down, and it would have been a whole story about how you failed in New York and went back. And then you made it in New York. Wow. God damn it. We cry for us. Yeah. [LAUGHS] Kino, give me the single spotlight here. Let's see if we can get this going all the way. So good. So good. I'm getting word-- I'm getting word that Zac Efron wants you to be his new stand and know I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Wow, Shane. So interesting. How long are you in town for? As long as you want me to be wow look at that. That's amazing looks like I have a new boyfriend Hello If you're here Thursday, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday South West. I'll be changing my flights Shane if you had to guess how much stand up like a full set the longest set you could do how much Accumulated material if you do just give me a ballpark of my 15 is fucking solid And are you writing at a good pace? Yeah, I write every Monday I try to write for the open mic there, and I try something new try to do something new all the time But yeah, my solid 15 set is sharp Where are you going to stay for the next three days? We're gonna figure that out I got I got I'll get your hotel room I need real tears real tears Man I'm glad I followed my dreams It gets better than that. It gets better than that Shane because Brian Simpson is gonna give you a hundred dollars to your go-funny You're gonna double your net worth here And on top of all that you just want to go take it on kill crowd I can't help it. We need people like you Shane Crowds on their feet places in our office dreams are coming true Couldn't make it in New York. Couldn't make it in Chicago. And he's made Six sets great performance great interview everything about you as hilarious Shane come back again And let us know when you want to come cash that in sometime. This was Great stay in my life. Amazing. You did it, buddy You gambled on yourself and you were correct. You're absolutely hilarious. One more time for Shane camp everybody Red bands actually cry. There's an actual tear in his eye All right, someone's got to follow that Someone's got to follow that make some noise fear next bucket pool. It is OG rod echoes everybody What's up? What's up? What's up? Like you said, I'm OG rod echoes, man. I just turned 60 Yep start wearing disposable underwear Yes, sir. I gave the government 20 years of my life. I did six years in the Air Force 14 years federal prison I retire from prison though PTSD post-traumatic sex disorder Yeah from no conjugal visits Just got in here. I went and got me some animals. I tried some animals and later I said hey, I want to try some animals She's you like cookies. I said she don't I look like I like cookies She gave me a bag of six cookies. I fucked them up. She said stop No, what are you doing? I'm eating these fucking cookies She said no son. That's not what you supposed to do. I said, what do you mean? She's you supposed to take a cookie You break it in half and you eat it like that. I look at the lady. I said ma'am When you haven't seen a fat motherfucker eat a half a cookie. That's my chat. Appreciate y'all My goodness Brian Simpson your dad is hilarious This is a segment on the show But I call black man meets his dad It's a new thing we're doing here. I wanted to surprise you I know you are wondering why I had you on tonight's show. This is mr. Simpson. This is Homer Simpson I love it first question OG Rod Eccles and I I don't want to sound racist here But how much watermelon do you have to eat to dress like that exactly Like I heard you are what you eat, but you my friend literally look like a watermelon To be frankly, I own a man's clothing store in San Antonio, Texas Beautiful. I like to wear my shit. I like to flex my shit. I love it. I love it. To be frankly you look awesome This is amazing. How long have you had if you read green bland? I'm gonna be invisible to you cuz you know you can't say that well Demandist has no idea what's going on up here right now. I'll tell you that He's read green yellow Roy G bib. Let's put it that way. Well, well, I'm a retired pimp for one. So I'm used to the swagger You don't seem retired at all to me my friend. You seem like businesses mother-fuckin boomin. Yeah Amazing how long were you pimping for OG Rod Eccles? Shit. I was pimping for quite a while until uh me too I'm just kidding go. I had to start charging surcharges for fuel. You know gas went up on the motherfucker. Oh, yeah These motherfuckers. I want to pay that shit. I'm gonna start buying pussy with after pay your shit. Yep. I ain't with that shit Yep cash and hand. Yep. Are all your tricks life coaches now? Actually, they not I mean you know, so one of my one of my bitches, you know She went down. She went down the floor. They got a BBL You know, I'm saying she came back and I'm like damn bitch. When you get that ass from she says she got a BBL She went to Florida. I'm like that's must have cost a lot She said you did I said well how the fuck you gonna do that? She said they gave me a loan. I said what kind of loan? She said they gave me a 30-year loan. I'm like damn bitch you 60. Oh Oh my god You go ahead never told us why you got locked up Hey, I was into you know, I was in the pharmaceutical sales, you know Like I tell him, you know, I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. Actually, that's where I'm from. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the home of you The cocaine fix and bitches turn tricks, you know, saying hold my hose. You suck a golf ball through a garden hole Yep, and for $20 more, they got a little pound in the nose. Wow. I'm glad you said $20, but then she got me called up She said she charged charged $1,000 Oh, hey, that bitch shit. That ain't no good pussy right? I ain't no good pussy She said in conversation. You know, it ain't conversation room in the nose That's my boss Brian motherfucking sensitive Holy shit. Oh my god. I'm in hustle and flow too. This is amazing. I love it believe that You know, we're going to set up the YouTube trademark thing We can only do like five seconds of a copyrighted song on YouTube. It's all good. It's all good OG rod echoes. I only have 75 more questions for I mean, you are amazing. So these hose out there Can you give us another example because we love a good story All these people look at these faces on here. There's not a fucking pimping this room We want to know because we know it ain't easy. We know we've been told pimping ain't easy It really ain't so tell one of my holes I had to get rid of so the bitch called me Yep, you know the same bitch that got the BB-8 of course, old ass old ass bitch 60 year old Need no ass. Yep, you need a car For ass and you can't you you got a 300 credits go. I'm trying to trip up this shit So bitch call me a couple days later. She said dead. I got this trick. I need a ride I said do you she's a year. Can you give me ride it's the call Pat Turner. She's a who I said Pat Turner She's a who of that. I said bitch pat your feet and turn the corner I swear When he started I was like no, no, I really believe you That's what I meant for staff are making easy money and pippin holes in style Oh my god And I said oh man when you was a good luck fall man. I'm gonna fall that shit He fucked up that is a main You are so interesting holy shit. We literally prison guards going. Oh Come here come here. Put her about lock down. That's what fuckers don't feel don't you, bro? I feel like that cowboy come up to him but like he sold me some pussy and Oh my god, you have - Have any kids, OG Rod Eccles? - I got kids. - How many kids you got? - I got five kids, man. I got three bisexuals. (audience laughs) - Oh shit. - One stud and one emotional ass son that, man, I tell the motherfucker, come on son, we gonna go do some things. And not today, dad, not today. I'm like, "Damn, we just going fishing." I mean, it's motherfucker's crazy, man. But you know, it is like it is, though. - It is like it is, though. You are a bumper sticker machine. I gotta tell ya. - Everything you say sounds cooler than fuck, it is what it is, though. You make everything so cool. That is absolutely incredible. So six years in the Air Force, that's true, huh? What were you doing in the Air Force? - Man, I was a hell-food inspector, man. - What? - Yeah. - No way. - Yeah. - Well, that's like me being a pussy inspector. That sounds unbelievable. - It's right, it's right. Hey, how could you expect some pussy too? - Well, I bet you have. - I bet you had, let me ask you this, 'cause you were, I could tell six years in the Air Force, 14 years in prison, but I can tell when I see a man who's been a pimped his whole motherfucking life. - You better believe it. - So let me ask you. I'm gonna push the survey, you know? I'm gonna push the survey out and check this out. You know, I have beef with my lesbians because if two pumps together, they can tell what good dick is. - If they ain't what good ass is, well how the fucking two lesbians tell what good pussy is by Siserin? - In the edit, I want you to superimpose like all those numbers and math problems that go over Gallophinoccus' head and that one meme. It's like, just slowly zoom in on me and then put that up there. - Come on now, I need you to get me an asshole now. - You got, can you answer that? - I mean, as a personally, as a lesbian, I can tell you that, (audience laughs) - Smell. - My goodness, absolutely incredible. - I just want to go to a store. (laughing) - Oh, you know. - It's like that. - You don't want that. - That's a store where you're like, I don't know. I don't know if I'm in a really like anything else swing by here, just like loading the car. I'm the only person ever going to that store and buy every small that he had. (audience laughs) And Michael Gonzalez. I'll get Michael some matching clothes. Oh my God, absolutely incredible right now. You have a store, is it like a real store? It's a store fronters. - I have a real, I have a real clothing school. - Is this in a shed or something? Or is it like on a. - I got, I got a pump clothes. I got a pump clothes. - Oh my God. - What's it called? Where's it at? What's it called? - Upside fashion is in San Antonio, Texas. - Upside fashion in San Antonio, Texas. - Right. - You know I need these the help reviews, given me right now. (audience cheers) - Upside fashion. - It's in the road in Oaks Mall. - It's in the mall? - It's in the mall. - Oh my God. - Shit. - My friend, we made it. - And on top of that. (audience laughs) - On top of that. - On top of that, I have a comedy club in the back of it. - Wait, what? - I have a comedy club in the back of it. I run a series called Fashion Little Be Funny. - Oh my God. My goodness. How many people can you fit back there? - I can fit 65 people. - You got chairs for those people? - You got chairs. - You got 65 chairs. - You got that right. - Oh my God. How many of those chairs have been thrown at Hose when they missed it? - None of one. - Never one. That's what the hands for. You gotta feel it for it to work. - And then I recruit Hose in there. I recruit my Hose in there. You know, high heels and dollar bills. That's what the-- - Oh my God, he just did it again. He just did it again. He did it again. He stuck another one in on us. God damn it, I love this guy. - That would be him baby. - I can't wait to get spent in the Senate tunnel. - I killed Tony, ain't for the phony. (laughing) - I'm a real motherfucker. - Bitch. - Ain't no macaroni again, man. - That's right. I do. I do. - I also, um, but-- - Red band doesn't ought to spell upside or fashion, so we're in real trouble here. - Upside, fashion. - Upside? - Size, like small big tall we got it all. (cheering and applause) - I got the reviews right here, Tony. They all positive. - Are you serious? - Oh, hold on. - Let me, let me, I gotta see this. Hold on, wait. No, no, Red band still doesn't have it. - Amazing customer. - Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God, we have found it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you this motherfucker sitting at about 4.5. (cheering and applause) Okay, how do you? Okay, here we go. So, let's read some reviews. I gotta tell you, they're all 5 star reviews, except for what appears to be 1. - What I wanna know, just like you, is what's up with this bitch ass motherfucker? (audience laughing) What is this motherfucker's problem? And I gotta say, it's really hard to get. - Probably one of my holes, uh, me. - Oh. (laughing) It's from an Anthony Collins, you know a guy named Anthony Collins, money or something? - One guy just left a one star. Everybody else says nice people, very helpful, friendly service, they help my son pick out a outfit, they hemmed his pants on the spot and got him the shirt he wanted. - I'm a tailor too, I do alteration. - Oh my God, is there anything you don't do? - I've got no jobs and Tommy do a good dammit. - Then Tommy do? - Tommy. - Tommy from Martin, you, come on now. - Oh, I didn't even realize you were talking about my, I know a lot of times. - I forget, that's a black program. - No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm all up in the black program. - Oh, you're on the black program? - Absolutely. Absolutely, I love the, I love black programs. You ever watch cops? (audience laughing) - Hey, motherfucker, get members in the home on the first 48, didn't you? - I know, absolutely, I know it all, man, motherfucking young dog. - Yeah. - Preach. - Yeah, I'm from Orange Mountain, eight ball M.J.G., that's why I grew up bit, right? - That's right. - Orange Mountain, baby, eight. Three, two round and three down, that's all, man. - I absolutely know, these hosels set you up. - Boy, now that you hosed won't, 'cause you gotta have control of a bitch, you know what I'm saying? That's what a pimp is, a P.N.M.P., that's a player in a man's position. - Right. (audience cheering) - You know how to work that bitch? Boy, give me more. Boy. (upbeat music) - Goddamn right, you like to argue, so I sent that bitch to law school. (audience cheering) - Exactly. - I absolutely fucking love you, sir. I'm obsessed with you. Come back anytime, sign up again. Big joke, book. You're the man, sir. (audience cheering) All right, one last fucking poll. One last fucking poll. Is this the fucking episode or what? Huh? (audience cheering) Make some noise for your final fucking poll of the night. We know this guy, he works here. This is kind of crazy that he got pulled like this. This is amazing. Make some noise for the great Grant Adcock, everybody. (audience cheering) - Fuck yeah, keep it going. (audience cheering) - Sorry if it seemed a little weird up here. I was almost late for my time up here. I was just outside smoking a cigarette when they called me and homeless guy was talking to me. He asked me for some money, which is fine. But I said, "Sorry, man, I don't have any cash on me." And he said, "You got to spend money to make money." (audience laughing) So I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that means. (audience laughing) He was wearing a New York Jets jersey. That guy's had a tough life. (audience laughing) I'm trying to get better at small talk. Phil, it's getting very related to this. You guys over here, "Hey man, more than two shakes "and you're playing with it." You guys over here, that, "More than two shakes "and you're playing with it." (audience laughing) So I'm gonna say that to me earlier when I was taking a piss. He was like, "Hey man, more than two shakes "and you're playing with it." (audience laughing) I had a telling brother, "I'm beating my dick over here." (audience laughing) Absolutely, hilarious. What a snooze. Smooth back half of this episode. My goodness. I'm nervous for everybody as they come up here. This is absolutely incredible grant. What a fantastic set. Good to see you again, my friend. How are you? Good to see you guys. Yeah, one of the true, humble, amazing comedians here at the mothership. You're absolutely crushing grant. What's going on in life? It's been a while since we've seen you. Just high heels and dollar bills, basically. That's right, goddamn it. (audience cheering) Same bitch that claims she loves you. She will set you up. (audience cheering) Out of here on these streets, there ain't no such thing as luck. This show started gay and then just went imp. (audience laughing) The trajectory is amazing. We have range here. Tony has range. He can be gay, he can be a pimp. (audience laughing) Absolutely incredible. So grant, tell us more about your life. What do we not know about you? Give us something interesting out here. You are a true comedian. You're a hilarious guy. You have a podcast with the great Pat O'Neal. Kilt O'Neal. A royal tale. Great guitar, it's been good. I've been trying to smoke more weed. Hell yeah. I've been trying to smoke more weed to help with my anxiety and my paranoia. Can you guys stop talking about me? That was a bit, sorry. No, we love that. We love bits. They work. When they work, they're great. And that worked. Gramped. I love it. It's like a hybrid of Norm McDonald and Shane Gillis. Yeah, it's a funny guy. Are you Irish? Yeah, you see my Irish as fuck. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I love it. You drink a lot. Love drinking, man. Yeah. People actually tell me I drink too much. And I tell them all the same thing. I say, "Give me my fucking keys." Amazing. Amazing. Grant, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've gone on like, uh, spread like seven years. Seven years. Where at? Where was all of it at? I started in North Carolina. Then I did it. It's probably like two mics there. And then I went to Alabama for a little bit. I did it for like nine months. And I've been here for the rest of the time. Nice. And tell us about your adventures here. Because you work here now. Yeah. And how long has that been for? Uh, going on like three years. Were you at Vulcan before? No, no. What were you doing before that here? I was managing a coffee shop. How did Westlake? Wow. Slingin' bean out in Westlake. Is it the. I was being slinging. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. But then I worked at a sunset strip for a long time. Nice. Hell yeah. I love it. What was the Westlake coffee shop? Civil goat? Uh, it was called a coffee shark. Whoa. Never heard of it. All right. Yeah, it does. Is it good? It doesn't exist. I was the last manager I think. There you go. That's how you know you're good at what you do is when they have to retire the place after you're done. No, like it's never going to get better than this. Yeah. We're out of all the essentials all the time. I was like, fuck, man. I'm sorry. Amazing. Amazing. And you're getting spots here all the time, right? It's been all around town and shit. It's been a lot of fun. This is, yeah. And you're blowing up. You're blowing up. You're so funny that you're doing a podcast with Pat O'Neill. He's fucking insane. He is. He's the absolute man right now. Grant, congratulations. I mean, unbelievable set. I love to have you back at the sunset. Fuck you. I'm here. So much fun. Here's a big joke book. Fuck yeah. There you go. Grant Adcock, ladies and gentlemen. Very funny, man. Very funny, man. Speaking of funny, man, he does a podcast with literally what appears to be and what seems to be everybody's. I mean, my favorite comedian in the world to watch right now, an absolute fucking anomaly. He is a freak of nature that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. And we're just excited to see him again, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. I present to you the real deal, Pat O'Neill, everybody. Folks, I don't have a bidet just a dog. Oh, school, you know. We don't need technology for everything. I have a little bit more about me. I love chicks that are into anime. Yeah. Because in my experience, it's always far easier talking your way into the pants of a girl at the mind of a child. Last week, I heard this fat chick say she's having a hot girl summer. I was like, I fucking bet. Make a drop, Siberia. Okay. Thank you. That fucking Christ people, the anomaly, the real deal. Pat O'Neill has without a doubt done it yet again. I'm in front every single week coming out with the absolute strongest, craziest, most diabolical punchlines and shaking the room. I mean, it is just absolutely amazing to watch. Welcome. Welcome. How are you, buddy? You're so fun to see and look at. I've never heard that before. I know. It's just, I mean, every week. I literally think it every week. Every time I've ever turned from this way to that way. I'm like, ah, so fun. Where do you get your shirts, by the way? Your shirts are out of control. Well, I get them from an up-sized fashion in San Antonio. It's a Pimps repertoire, if you will, Tony. I tend to do a tight five in the back. We do a little stand-up there and I buy a Pimps shirt. Where do you get these wild shirts from? Instead of them, that looks cool. It's what it's called. Hoodie Lab. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. Amazing. It's crazy. They look cool on mushrooms. I buy whatever looks cool on mushrooms. He just puts zany in the search bar. I'm just looking for San X, what I did. Oh, you are a fucking machine, Pat O'Neil. How's life? Anything different this week? Anything crazy? I was pumped to see Grant just get pulled. My trusty podcast partner, fucking. That was great. Traveled some of this great country bars with Martin Phillips and Hans Kim. Oh, God. And I wasn't the one driving. Whoa. Uh-oh. Which one was? Somehow Martin is the best one for the job. Yeah. He's actually phenomenal. Wow. Incredible. In the situation like that, you three in the card. Are you do ride shotgun or do you ride in the back? Oh, I was in the back. Nice. Yeah. That's the safe spot. Yeah. It's care to make eye contact with them. He's looking at me like, nah. You ain't pull me in that world. Yeah, nah. What the fuck? I've never seen anybody do a Pat O'Neil impression before. I mean, you don't have to. I don't enjoy mirrors either. Oh, my God. Hey. Hey. Oh, my God. We must protect this man. If you ever see Pat O'Neil out there on the streets, you make sure nobody messes with him. Make sure you walk him with him from point A to point B. Thank you. That's what I'm doing. I'm making every Killtony fan your security anytime they see you. They might actually be the ones that kill you, but in any matter, we need to keep you safe. We must protect you in your brain. Thank you. Every single week, unbelievable. You sent it again. One more time for the great Pat O'Neil. Wow. What a fucking episode. Do me a favor, everyone. After this episode's all done, go walk, go straight to a Gary Owen dot live, and go watch this man live. Please, for the love of God. He's coming to a city near you. Truly, I swear to you, as you can tell from this episode, truly one of the funniest fucking human beings in the world. It was such an honor to have you here tonight, Gary. Like I said before, I brought you out. I've always wanted you on this show since I was a door guy at the comedy store. Before I even started this show, you've always been one of my favorites. One more time for Gary Owen, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Simpson is the mother fucking man. His special, uh, that was on Netflix. Ran for its two-year licensing deal as so many of them do. And is now crushing it on YouTube. Remind me the name of it one more time, Brian. The name of your special. Live from the mothership. I filmed it right here on this stair. That's right. We already have 300,000 viewers. Help me wind that mother fuck up. Thank you. So you know what to do. You go to Gary Owen dot live by tickets. He's coming near you. And then you go to Brian Simpson YouTube slash Brian Simpson comedy. B.S. comedy. Brian Simpson. You do yep, type in Brian Simpson live at the mothership watch his special and now you have that homework and more homework for you 926 Dallas October 17th Houston You're getting your own kiltonies. Congratulations. November 13th them 14th in Las Vegas, Nevada That's two episodes of kiltony live every episode of course different back to back and then New Year's Eve here in The greatest comedy city in the world Austin Texas. I mean look look What's this fucking name Shane camp had to go to fucking New York Chicago and he made it here tonight He's a superstar now so follow him. He is supposedly on social media at Shane camp comedian 558 I'm pretty sure that's his Wi-Fi password or something like that. Oh Shane camp comedian. Oh, okay Red band check out sunset strip at x.com secret show every Thursday We love you guys God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you You You You