#782 - RON WHITE + JERRON HORTON

Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's the winner of the best fucking night of their lives? Yay! Make some noise for Brian RedBam! And that is the best standband in all the land. Make some noise for them, huh? Raul Mulejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzales, the great mat muleing on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys. And that is D Madness, live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We have a hell of a show for you before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Well, hello there. I got to tell you it is a scorching sports summer and you can make all your picks on prize picks. Women's basketball and baseball are heating up and every football preseason game is kicking off this month on prize picks. America's number one sports pick app. I've been getting more into football as preseason ramps up as always. Just hung out with coach Sarkisian watching all the big videos doing my research for fantasy football, the rookies, the players on the teams trying to make an impact. Prize picks gives me an easy way to follow all the action. I can make a lineup by selecting more or less on player projections that a few players together and track everything right in the app while I watch red ban. The football preseason is here and there's no better place to run your game than prize picks. Build a lineup with player stats, pick game winners, spreads or totals and combine them in the same lineup. It's available in all 50 states. That's right. Download the app today and use Code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, download the app today and use Code Tony to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, prize picks. America's number one sports picks app. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something we just launched. Kill Tony plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtonysupercast.com. All right. Back to the show. You guys ready to set this fucking show or what? Gosh darn it. Every single week I booked two of the funniest human beings on Planet Earth. This week absolutely positively no different. One is one of my oldest friends in comedy. We were door guys together at the comedy store. And he's one of my favorite roast writers and comedians. And the other one is my dream father. Literally a guy that I look up to every single day. I golf with him. He is truly one of the greatest comedians of all time. Make some noise to the great Ron White and Ron Hort. (Music) Oh my goodness. One more time for Ron White. And we are introducing Ron Hort here tonight to the Killtony Universe. Welcome, welcome. Jaron, one of the great roast writers of the world. Fresh off of writing a bunch of jokes for the roast of Kevin Hart. And of course the roast of Tom Brady. Welcome. Thank you man. Fuck yeah. It's good. The fucking lights are bright on this is a fucking show. It's it. This is it. You're in the eye of the storm. You don't get this in LA or Atlanta or anywhere else. Anywhere else. This is it. It's good to be back in your good graces. Yeah. Tony. What do you mean? Well, I mean, this is my fucking stop talking to me for six years. Because I wouldn't let him beat me in Madden. That is true. Him and I have an unbelievable old rivalry on online PS5/X box. College football and Madden. And he is very good. I got to tell you. These blacks are very good at the blacks are very good at video games. I don't know if they have an extra muscle in their thumbs or something like that. But they are built for that type of stuff. I mean, they're tremendous on the field and on the couch when it comes to football. The great Ron White is here. Ladies and gentlemen. The man that came in, that's all the food here. He got the party started. Got us all out here. The man, the myth, the legend. Ron, welcome back. Your wisdom is appreciated here. Your wisdom is ignored. No, it's great to be back. It's great. I've been watching this show grow for a decade or so. LA. And I was always a big fan of it. So whenever I go-- We're going to have-- Yeah. Doing absolutely nothing else. I'll fucking know. We're going to have some fun tonight. About 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. It is unbelievable. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We all talk to them about what we saw. Maybe find out more about them. They go from being a 60-second stand-up comedian to a guest on the number one live podcast in the world in 60 seconds. You guys ready to start tonight's show or walk? I'm going to let this guy out of the Zoltar machine pick the first name out of the bucket. Look at this Armenian wizard that we have here tonight. Absolutely incredible. Well, we wrangle that first bucket pool. I have a golden tick a winner who's ready to give us a new 60 seconds. We haven't seen him in a while. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for the long-awaited return of JJ Alexander. Here we go, 60 seconds from JJ. How are we doing? I'm trying to hit the gym again. It's not going good. I feel really awkward at the gym all the time. Like, I hate the process of waiting in line to use the machines, you know? Like, I was waiting in line to use this one machine. It's like the hip ad doctor. I just called it the good girl bad girl machine. It's like good girl bad girl. You know that machine? You know that machine at every gym that was invented by the horniest guy of all time? He's like, I bet we can get these bitches to pop their pussy in a plane and fit. It's like, give him $17 million yesterday, you know? But anyways, I'm waiting to use that machine at the gym. There's this lady on it. What I wanted to tell her was like, hey, I already have the bottle and the rag. I can just wipe it down before I use it. It's no big deal. But all I ended up saying to her was, hey, don't wipe it down. Those are the only words I said to that woman. And then my head, I was like, hey, good job, JJ. You talk to a woman today. Keep fighting. That's good. She's getting her cardio just running out to the parking lot as fast as she could. You know, it's fun. Thank you guys so much for my time. Thank you. JJ Alexander. Shocking us with gym material today. Yeah, dude. I'm going to weight loss challenge right now, dude. Really? How much weight have you lost? I've lost 16 pounds. Let's go. Yeah. How are you doing it? What are you doing? I have been eating nothing but beef and cheese. That's it. Just beef and cheese. And milk. A lot of milk. Good luck taking her shit. Well, this is actually, while I found out the other day that I've been pooping wrong my entire life. Tell us about that. Yeah. So, you know, I, this is, so I one time when I was a boy, I couldn't go. So, like, what I did is I would squat up. You know, like, imagine this is the toilet seat. Oh, no. No. There's no way. I'd hit the, this I call this the gargoyle. That's what I hit. You know, and the thing is you've got to take your socks and shoes off to do it effectively because you slide off in his bed. But yeah, every day I've been doing that. How long have you been gargoyling? I've been hitting the gargoyle since I was eight years old and I remember the day, yeah. How long you've been working with the stool? Yes! That's good. -So you still gargoyle? -Yeah, no, and only in times of need now, you know? -You're a big guy, if you broke in toilet. -Have you broke in toilet? -I'm not broke in a toilet, but I do hit it at work all the time. It's crazy. -What do you do for work? -I work at the Dutch Bros Coffee Shop, eh? Let's go on. -Wow. -Yeah, God, I hate my job, dude. I hit the moment, like, I started doing more, like, obviously, because of this show, and I've been touring a lot, going out on the road, doing hellgigs, been great, you know? But I just show up in my job, and I hate it, and I have to be nice to every single person that comes to the line. And it'll just be like this annoying white lady that comes to my line every single day. And she's like, "You don't know what I want already. I'm like, ma'am, you're the 17th white woman in a super I've seen today, okay? You're not special." Wow. But I just, fire, I'm fired up about it. So I have to, like, find ways of getting back at them. So, like, if I tell a customer to have a great day, that's what I mean. It means have a great day. But if I tell a customer to, like, have a good day, that means go fuck yourself. That's what that means. I get it out, dude. I'm not getting rid of. Where are you from? You have a little bit of, like, an odd Italian accent for what appears to be. Oh, hey! Even though you look like an albino French bulldog. This is incredible. Where are you from? I'm from Colorado Springs, Colorado. Yeah. Yeah, that's where the Air Force Academy is, all that stuff. Okay. Olympic Training Center. That's where that's there. Wow. Is that okay? Teach them how to gargoyle up there? Yeah. I want to fix people's bodies. This is secret. Here's the tough part about it. Is once you do it one time, you can't go back ever again. Try it one time. What? The goel. You have to, you hit the goel one time. You never go back to pooping the regular way. And I've been trying. I'm trying to stop. Nobody here wants to shit like you. It's because they can't. Wait a minute. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, not everybody. Are you talking about a squatty potty? Is that what you're talking about? No, I just stand on the seat. That's the way to save money, dude. Wow. That is nice. I don't got $15. I work at the Dutch Bros Corporation. Are you kidding me? Oh, my goodness. Hit the $3 tip button. Okay. I can't tell you how much pain I'm in being on the other side of the iPad every day. How long have you been working at this time? I'm working at the Dutch Bros for two years. Do you hear that accent that you kind of have? I've been working there for two years. Like at what part of Colorado? I don't understand. Did you hang out with Italians or something? No, never. Where did that come from? Do you watch like Donnie Brasco before breakfast every day? Like, what's going on there? I drank too much soda back stage and my voice sounds weird. I have a crushing diet coax up there. I'm like, they're going to cut me off soon. I thought I was going to. It's guy drank so many diet coaxies turned Italian. That is incredible. It's your French cigarette, eh? You got to talk about it. Wow. Unbelievable, Che, Che. Well, you got tonight's show started for us. I love what you did. You got it out. You did the jokes. You fucking. You were non-seated. You were clear getting your 60 seconds. Great stuff. JJ Alexander, thank you so much. Alright people, you guys know what happens now. This is when we get to the bucket. I mean, absolutely anything can happen. It could be a crazy person. It could be the absolute future of comedy. Either way, we could find the next great talent or absolute unprepared in sanity. That's what the show is. You guys ready for it? Your first bucket pull up the night goes by the name of Mio Love, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mio Love. I want a guy to be so obsessed with me. Then before going down on me, he leaves my C-section like an envelope. Ha! I'm stressing out. Trump's stressing me out. Everybody keeps saying that his neck looked like a pussy. Mavi G.J. don't look like that. So I think I might be growing a dick. My suspicions keep growing. I went the other day to buy some new panties of lingerie. And as soon as I tried them on, my dick popped out. It was like the pantie was moses and he was partying the red sea. Think bang now it should be gay or a lesbian. But I'm bad with scissors and I'm allergic to plastic. So I'm trying celibacy, you know? But she slips. So I grew on a full bush like a chastity belt. And working. I'm out here giving magic carpet rights. It's a whole new world. Thank you so much guys. Alright. Mio Love, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Oh, okay. You drew your eyebrows on differently tonight. I didn't recognize you. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up now, Mio? Six years. Six years. Wow. Amazing. I like your style, Mio. You look like an X-Men character from Tijuana, Mexico, or something like that. Welcome, welcome. What do you do for work? What hair salon do you work at exactly? I am actually on a graduate from Barbering School. So if you need a haircut, I got you. So I fucking nailed it. Is that what you're saying? I still got it. I still got it. Wow. I thought I was making a joke. And you're like, actually, I'm about to get my diploma in that. I'm going to be, I got my barber degree. I fucking love it. This is absolutely incredible, Mio Love. How many kids do you have? Two. Two girls. Two what? Two girls. Okay, how old are they? It's five and seven, and the five-year-olds birthdays to 21st. Okay, I was just going to ask, when's the five-year-olds birthday? It's perfect. Is your hair cut that way so people could see your eyebrows? Is that what it is? Avalee, so. Avalee, so. Good question, Red Bam. Anyway. I saw Michael Gonzalez' dad staring at you so hard during your set that you might have a third baby on the way. I know. Mr. Gonzalez, just a stare-down can impregnate a fucking little chalupa like you, Mio Love. And he's wearing a Yankees hat. Yes. Are you a Yankees fan? Yes. Oh, wow. Puerto Rican. You're Puerto Rican. Of course. Oh, amazing. How Puerto Rican are you exactly? Born and raised. Born and raised. Wow. Okay, what do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? What do you do? What's your behavior? Like, what do you do like in an average day in which you think is. The most Puerto Rican thing that I do is that I fly spirit or frontier and die. When we land in Puerto Rico, we still clap. If you fly American Airlines, you won't get the Puerto Rican experience. Wow. That is a great answer. You did so good with that answer that I'm going to do a couple more cultures here. I'm going to ask you this. What do you, even though you're not black, what is the blackest thing about you? What's something you do? No. Okay, you have an answer already. This is good. No. Historically, Puerto Rico's are black. We black. He spat. Tinos and Spaniards. And the blackest thing about me, I would have to say I'm always late. I would say the bullet hole in your shoulder is probably. The blackest thing about you. It's definitely the bullet hole. She really does the bullet hole in her shoulder. It's such a. Oh, my God. What is that from? What is that? So, actually, it's from the employment. I want to have a stand. What? Oh, my God. She got flued out. What? She got flued out. She's the only person on the fucking Black Hawk helicopter that clapped when it landed. Yeah, we made it. I'm going to fucking cut some of these guys hair. I have candy men or hair. You want the bar? I just got the barber diploma. The thing is that he's so accurate right now. Me, oh, love. So, what's your love life like? Me, oh, love? So, you want the love story that you cost. You cost it. Okay. I announced my divorce and killed Tony. You did? How long ago were you on the show? Um, 693. What? Episode 693. Okay. Can you give a ballpark of win at once? I already don't know, Tony. I'm about to win. You know the number of the episode. You can't give a ballpark. I only remember because it's like divisible by 3 is like 693. Oh, my god. Yeah. And so, I went and I told everybody that I was the worst. And I got hundreds of dippics. Like, I'm going to say, "Q, Tony, is it better dating Abden Bumble for real?" Well, yeah, when you only talk about your dilapidated pussy and of your tits halfway out, that's what you're going to get. And then, and then. Charon doesn't get any of those after doing this show. Hey, the options. I'm going to tell you truth. I really was hoping for like a Luigi Mangioni. But, no, no. I got. For a good shot. I was hoping for Luigi, but I got a Mario, a bunch of plumbers. No, I got a red band, like Peru, like a bunch of red bands. Whoa. It was really, really bad. You can find a hairline. It was just. Okay. All right. So Mia, what's your love life like right now? I am looking for love. It looks like you've been fucked in the face a lot. No! What the fuck is going on here, red band? Let's do sound effects for the next like 30 minutes, because you're just out of it. I think you start the vodka red bulls a little early. The vodka fucks them up, and the red bull gives them the energy and confidence to say things, everybody. The worst combination for red band. Really? Okay. So. Mia, love, when you say you're looking for love, what does that mean? Are you on the apps? Are you talking to guys on pub? What's your dream guy? What does he look like? So my dream guy, physically, I'm not like really into anything. Like I can do the whole rainbow. I use ones. You want a gay man? No, no, fuck no. No. Hey, you gay, no way. He'll say hell no. Okay. You want a real meme? Wow, the band has something for that? They've been waiting years to be able to do that. No way, he'll say jingle. Okay. So you don't care what he looks like, but. You know, I mean, not that fucked up. Like, not rapping. But at the same time, like. At the same time, like. I care more about what's the inside that what isn't the outside. Wow. The inside of the wall that I'm guessing is what. Tony, I got my own money. I got hair, bro. Like, let me help you. You're funny, Mia, love. I like you stuff. You really got to find a way to let your real personality come out on stage because you're hilarious. The jokes are a little tired, but you're fucking funny. Thank you, thank you. Let that shine through, man. However you do it, I don't know. I completely agree with Ron. You were hitting home runs here during the interview part, and the set was. You know? Okay, I can do that. You're natural stuff, like if you talked about being Puerto Rican and clapping on the player in airlines. You know, that fucking stuff is great comedy. I will. Thank you. I'll take you, Tony. Yep. You got it. Here's a big joke, book, Mia, love. There you go. It has begun. There goes Mia, love everybody. Hello there, again. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real. You know, when we launched our Killtony storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated set-up steps. Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. One of the biggest things I noticed early on was how smoothly customers moved through checkout. Shopify checkout helped more people complete their purchases and returning customers could check out even faster, because their information was already saved. That friction-free experience gave me the confidence that the sales side was working. The way that it should. And so many things are selling perfectly at Killmerch.com, thanks to Shopify. And once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the store to actually growing the business. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend more time improving products. Designing hoodies. New amazing, funny connections with the show, connecting with customers and finding new ways to grow. Red band. It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first time entrepreneurs to major brands, the infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea. That's right, with Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/KillTony. Are you your next bucket full? Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Oh, la la. Shwish, Shwish. Want, want, want. Follow her at HeidiRachina.com and everything. All right, your next bucket full goes by the name of. "Ella's our Gooseman, everybody." "Ella's our Gooseman." Hey, everybody. I am also Puerto Rican. But I know I look like a Jew hiding in Mexico. Anybody here, fans of history? Fucking nerd. No, I'm kidding. I'm a big fan. I like to get high learned about history. This is a real thing I learned. In most cultures, most societies in the world. In order to have a king, you'd have to have an ancestral relationship. Yeah, because you got to keep the bottom pure. I don't know if you guys know about genetics, you get fucked up people when that happens, right? But I want you to imagine what it would be like to work for that king. Let me take you back a thousand years. Guy goes up to the king. Sire! Sire! The French have attacked. And the king goes, "Yay!" Because he's retarded. I noticed I had to fill in the blanks for the back room. Yeah, thank you. That's my time. Elazar. Am I saying that right? Elazar. You did. First time actually. Elazar Guzman. You've been on this show before? Yeah, twice. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. Tell us what we know about you, Elazar. What do we know already? How long have you been on stand up? In September, it would be 13 years. 13 years, wow. I used to be a cook. Now I'm just doing temp work and trying to do work on the road. Nice. How often are you getting out on the road? It's maybe like two or three weekends a month. Okay. Where's the last place you went? Wichita, Kansas. What did you learn about Wichita when you were there? What are your thoughts about Wichita? They really repressed the gay a lot. What do you mean? There was like three people at the show that were like, "My husband told me he was gay." And like my brother just told me he was gay. But it was like everybody was in shock. You know, will you get me a flight to Wichita? I need to go meet some of these newly gay dudes. Fresh ass. You know what I'm saying. All right. I love it. What do you do for fun, Elazar? For fun. I am sort of. I am a nerd. I like to learn about history and weird shit like that. You really are in the history. What's the craziest thing about history that you've learned recently that you could share with these people lies? As you heard, there was literally a guy when you, you know, asked the rhetorical question. Anyone into history? Two of my fans. This is how unbelievable my base is. Literally go, "No." So if you could teach these brilliant, brilliant minds. A lot of camo hats out here tonight. If you could teach them something amazing about history. Sure. You guys heard the winners of "Wars Write History"? Again, no. You can't ask the questions. You have to just give them the information. Yeah. Well, that makes me not trust it, right? Because, for example, when they found Hitler's body, they said he had a micro penis. But, of course, they're going to say that. What else are they going to say? Yeah, he killed six million people. But he had a huge cock. Because then that technically makes him the winner. All right. Okay. You only know about Hitler's dick from history. That's like what you read about. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. Do you have any black history facts you want to share with them? Black history facts. Yeah. You're a studier of all history. I'm interested in that. Black history is history too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What do you know about black history? All I know is that I'm supposed to be part black being Puerto Rican. And. That makes me a part of your history, right? That's true. Y'all gonna fuck us be denying that shit. Y'all leaving us out of the draw? Shit. I ain't denying it, bro. And they're only leaving you up to drive because they don't have rotten water in Puerto Rico. You guys are the exact same color. No, actually, I have a former's tan, so. Wow. That is something else. Yeah. Well, the last comedian up here was also Puerto Rican. I'm gonna ask you what I asked her. What is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Like something that you do it, perhaps a daily behavior or something in your routine or something that you sometimes do that you consider. You're like, wow, that comes from my Puerto Rican roots. White people and black people. Don't be doing that. Hmm. White people and black people, that's tough. Something that you do. Puerto Rican. What do I do? Like, you ever take spaghetti and meatballs and then wrap it in a tortilla and eat it? Something like that. No, I'm trying to watch my carbs right now. Fuck you, dude. Fuck it. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about me? That's what I'm watching. Oh, I don't speak Spanish. That's a very common Puerto Rican thing. Why is that? I don't know. Actually, my parents used to talk Spanish around me so they can talk shit so they couldn't understand them. Wow. So, basically, he didn't clean his room, but it was blah, blah, blah, blah. I didn't know what they were saying. Do you remember anything that they said? Something they used to call you or something? -Nothing at all, huh? -I mean, I had one relative called me a Ricky Rattardo, but, uh, okay, that stuck with you, huh? -Yeah, a little bit. I love it. -I love it. Other than history, you have any hobbies or anything? You have, like, a parkour or Pokemon or rollerblade or anything like that? -Dude, if I parkoured, I would die first day. -Yeah. -I don't have the upper body strength or any other kind of strength. But, um, for, for, like, physical activity, I do basketball. That's one I like to run. -Oh, okay. Yeah, all right. -What type of running-- what type of running do you do? Do you go to a track or do you just go on this street? -Oh, I actually do Uber Eats. -I do Uber Eats walking and I run to each location, right? -Yeah, that's why your food is late. I'm sorry. -Wow. -And then why do you not drive? Why do you not drive the Uber Eats? -Uh, I don't have a bike. I run. But, um, but no, I used to have a lot of anxiety, like, a chronic anxiety. And I used to have panic attacks all the time. And for most of my life, I couldn't drive or do anything kind of like behind the wheel. And then I went to a bunch of therapy and now I can drive. I just don't have a car yet. -You don't have a car? -No. -That's the most Puerto Rican thing about you. -Yeah. -Congratulations. You have an answer for the next time somebody asks you. -All right, Elazar. You had fun up here. Jews hiding. Yeah, Jew hiding in Mexico. Fun. You did good. Here's a big joke book, buddy. -Thanks. -There you go. -Elizabeth Goose, minute, everybody. -All right, a couple repeat guests that have been on a couple of years ago. And now this looks like a brand new name. I'm pretty sure of it. Let's see what happens here. This is a minute from out of the bucket. Anthony Wincoop, everybody. Here comes Anthony Wincoop. -I've worked in a lot of different kitchens. So I know that technically, all food is Mexican food. I mean, I'll put it like this. If you go to a restaurant, you sit down. You don't want to hear cold play coming from the kitchen. Okay. You want to hear Paiso Paluma. You want to hear a bad boy? I mean, if it's my restaurant and I'm going through resumes and I got to pick between Tyler from Seattle or Jesus de la Sonora. Tyler is going to hit his elf bar in the walk-in till it dies and have a panic attack in the middle of the dinner rush. But. but Jesus. Jesus, no way we're models. No problem. Conducir el auto. Torbian. Yeah. Thank you. Wow. What a satan. Anthony Wincoop doing it. Welcome Anthony. How long you been doing stand-up? About five years. Hell yeah. We're at. Las Vegas. Okay. And you still live in Vegas? I just moved out here like almost a year ago. Nice. Were you born and raised in Vegas? Yes sir. I love it. How are you? 30 faux. 30 faux. 30 faux. And what have you done for work most of your life? Obviously. I'm a chef. Right now I'm a Hibachi chef. Oh wow. Here in Austin? Yes. And I am the diversity hire for the company. Oh, that's amazing. I love it. I mean, who doesn't love Hibachi? This is our chief Hibachi correspondent, Brian Redban here. There you go. Very good. That's what he said. What kind of special tricks do you do when you're Hibachi-ing? You throw in the shrimp and the baby's mouth and everything? A really big one is speaking English. They love that. They love that. Obviously the onion volcano. But I usually just bring sake and get everybody drunk. Nice. Smart. Absolutely great. Now, how long have you been in the Hibachi business? Three years. Do you find that it's a lot of pressure cooking in front of people rather than behind closed doors? It's actually way better. Yeah. It's way better to cook for people. You get the instant gratification. You get to see how happy they are. Yes, yes, yes. That's a rewarding part. Yes, sir. Amazing. I love it. I always wonder when people are born and raised in Vegas what their parents are like. Because I always picture just absolute degeneracy going on out there. That's pretty accurate. More or less, I would say loose mob ties are pretty normal. Yeah. That's kind of what you're talking about. I had a lot of Uncle Tony's, a lot of Uncle Jimmy's, a lot of Uncle Joey's. Yeah. And they're not really my uncles. Amazing. In your parents, your mom is. My mom is one of those organ trail white people where they don't even know their European ties anymore. Right. And my dad is a Vietnamese immigrant. Whoa. So I'm one of those rare half Asians where my dad is the Asian one. Wow. Yeah. That's very rare, very rare. It's amazing. I think I've covered this recently on the show Asian Men, all dream of having a white woman. And it's almost impossible for them to accomplish that. Meanwhile, there's your dad who. Imagine Jackie Chan hooking up with Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah. That's amazing. I thought you were Puerto Rican, though. You did appear to be our third Puerto Rican in a row. It's the necklace. It's just the necklace. Which is the most Puerto Rican thing about you, by the way. What do you think is the most Vietnamese thing about you? Is there ever a thing that you do out there? You ever kill an American soldier or anything like that? Or anything wacky? I'm randomly really good at pedicures. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That is definitely that counts. A hundred percent. That would be the most Vietnamese thing about you. Amazing. Do you have any other special skills or talents or hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that knows that a freestyle rap? I can, but. Right. I can guess someone's body count just by listening to them talk. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's very interesting. If you had to guess, uh, Jorans, what would you guess? Yeah. How many. Listen to that voice. Listen to that very white-like voice. Yeah. Tell me my body count, bitch. You ain't guessing this motherfucking sh*t correct. I love how he's, like, calculating in his head, too. Look at that. He's got like the six. He's got the six. He's stepping into, like, my balls. Eleven? But you were in love with every single one of them. You were in love with every single one of them. Anthony, tell us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. I'm also a musician. What kind of musician? Rock or rap? Really. I mean, I got to hear you rap a little bit. Michael, give me a beat. Okay. But that's not too loud, Michael. For the love of God. For the love of God. It's got to be. It's got to be. E minor. Wow, 140 E minor. Holy shit. He's calling for it. He's calling the play like a head coach of a college football team. 140 E minor. Quarter-Rite Panther. 26 Blitzkrieg. X-Wing. Tie Fighter on. Why? Alright, here he goes. Nice and easy. I play the option of points on the board. And I watch in the game. Don't matter who's scored. Head in the clouds. Hands in the kitchen. Don't order out. Don't know what you're missing. Glock 18 in the front seat. Hit kill Tony with smoked meat. Still a stop in the caps in the fanny pack. 30 printing bag in a Gucci bag. I'm heating up. I feel like the earth. Come get your girl. She's dying of thirst. Don't you know I got a queen. Latin booty tastes so mean. We don't mind a third. We don't mind an egg. We don't mind a shower. Even an escapaze. Hit the blunt and make a beat. Hit the blunt and take a seat. Wow, that's fantastic. Yes. Yeah. Great stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. You did it here today. You did it Anthony. Thank you, chef. Yes. Anthony, very fun time. It's great stuff. Perfect set. Perfect interview. Here's a big joke. Come back. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Great stuff. Perfect set. Perfect interview. Here's a big joke. But come back. Anthony, we're two ladies in gentlemen. Half Vietnamese rappers. You don't see that very often, ladies in gentlemen. Um. Um. All right. You know, every week I watch people come up here and absolutely destroy their self-esteem. Unfortunately, Morgan and Morgan cannot help with that. But if you are actually injured because if someone helps his negligence, that's just a different story. Right, Red Band? Yes. Morgan and Morgan. has been fighting for the people for more than 35 years. They've got more than 1,000 lawyers, 100 offices nationwide. They've recovered over 35 billion for their clients. >> Amazing. So if your car gets total, you get hurt at work or someone else's bad decision becomes your very expensive problem, you should check out Morgan and Morgan. You can go to forthepeople.com/tony to start your claim. Their fee is free unless they win. And again, hurt feelings do not count. So it's a no-brainer. Go to forthepeople.com/tony and see if your claim is a winner. >> How's it going, everybody? Anybody else going through a midlife crisis? Yeah, just me. Okay. Well, this is what it looks like. I wasn't sure at the time, but it kind of came out gay. I'm not going to be honest. These shoes, the earrings, everything. I've got to be careful about the clothes that I choose. I have two teenage daughters and a lot of people don't know that. They think I'm their same age. If they're in their 20s, I'm late 20s. If their 30s guess what, late 30s. But if I'm 40, or if they're 40, I'm not 40 anymore, down to 30 again. By the time they're 50 and 60, I'm down to 20, okay? It's crazy. I actually have two kids. My youngest, we went to six flags last year. And the two twin-ageers across from us looked at us and said, are you all siblings? My kid was in elementary school last year. So I took the compliment, okay? Guys don't get a whole lot of compliments. Next time you see one walking along, give them a compliment. There we go. I was waiting for that kid. Well, I got to tell you, if you're looking for a compliment. Let me take this one. Oh, Ron White. There's no right or way wrong way to do stand up, but boy, that's about horrible. I didn't notice the fingernails, the shoes, all that matter. It's okay to come out here and talk about who you are. So that's a good thing. We'd have some fucking punchlines. Okay. All right. Yeah. For sure, man, it's just not believable that you look like your kids. How old are your kids? Step up to that microphone right there. They're 13 and 15. And you think that you look like them? So other than that bit, the math of that bit, I didn't know idea. No, the other people think that we look like siblings instead of me being their father. Oh, what were the numbers saying? Where it was 50 when they're 40, you're 48 and then back. That's that I got lost in that. I can do backwards math. What is it? Half your age plus seven. Then you can date. I don't know. I didn't want to get into all the numbers. I'm over 40. Stephen, take that mic. Stand and put it on the red X over there. Take the whole thing. Put it over there. You're a little too close to us. All right. Thanks. Yeah. You're welcome. Okay. So Stephen, how long have you been attempting stand up comedy? I've been trying to do comedy for a year last month, a year. What may just start now? I have to get fired about six or seven times. You start, you know, maybe a career change. So you think the hardest thing to do in the world is they right way to do it? Well, I don't know. HR at a bank is not very easy, but this I feel more comfortable. Did you have the painted fingernails, the earrings and all that when you were doing that? Are you trying to find yourself? No, when I was over the dress code in DEI, I did not dress like this. How far away do your kids make you park when you drop them off from school? They live across the street from school, so they walk. Oh, wow. So you're just sitting on the front porch with binoculars all day. Yeah. Do you let them wear your Jordans to school? No, I drive for Uber during the day, but I drive for Uber when I'm around them too. They just need me for rides pretty much. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you while driving Uber? I had to move a lady 103 miles to Vega, Texas. She got kicked out of her apartment and my Toyota Camry handled all of it, baby. We packed it all the way up. Okay. And then she diverted to Dallas and I dropped her off at a bus stop, but I'm sure she's okay. What do you mean you diverted to Dallas? I don't know. She canceled the ride and said, take me to Dallas. And so I said, okay, I do what I'm told. I worked in HR, a lot of women, a lot of women. Wow. What are the other six jobs you got fired from anything good? I worked at the Federal Reserve for 10 years. What did you do there? Protected the money. Okay. No, I'm just kidding. They never got robbed. I was over HR and I did all the compensation. So bonuses, all that kind of stuff. Yeah, not funny. That's why I that's why I left now. You're worried about not being funny. All of a sudden. And this economy. Okay. So Steven, give us a fun fact about your life that we might find interesting. Anything at all. You've seen this show before. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Views for it. Good story. Anything at all. I was electrocuted when I was eight. Climb the light, pull in a stop sign. As soon as my feet left the ground, I could not let go. Then I dropped off and I had two holes burning my hand. Like somebody we might know. Wow. He does. But I made it. You do look. Is that like a freaky Friday moment where you swap bodies with your kid? No. My mom knocked me off though. But when she knocked me off, it could have been a freaky Friday. But yeah, I just had nightmares. I died for six months. No big deal though. Okay. All right. Trauma for the win, right? How old are you again? 46. 46 years old, Steve. Going on 30. You're into the game. Who would play me in a movie? No, I was made in the 70s and I came out in the 80s. Okay. All right. Steven, that's another swing and a miss there. So you're 46 years old. You have a lot of life experience to draw from here. Any hobbies? Are you good at anything? You have any special. No. Call a duty mobile. I'm legendary. No, let's not do video games. Yeah. Video games are for for child for children. Keep going. So I'm calling that. I think the question is, are you good at anything? Improv comedy. Okay. I didn't want to say that. I hear you get some booze sometime, but that's what I'm best at. I'm learning stand up. So real is what you get. Improv. Oh, yeah. Let's start now, shall we? And let's go. Here's one set up. You ready for it? Fucking anything in the world that you want. Give me a word. I need a word. You need a word. Yes. All right. Let's do red band come up with a word. Let's do a trombone. Oh, by the way, improv takes two people. So that's why I'm not doing it on the show. But you can do it with me. You know that you can just do it. Okay. Well, let's try. Let's try this. Let's try this. One person improv. Never been done. Trombone. Man, I'm glad you brought that trombone. I'm more of a trumpeter. Okay. All right. All right. So Stephen, let's try it one more time. I perform at retirement homes only. Do you really? Yeah. Three shows this weekend and four worth. I kill. You really? Sometimes they. I don't. Okay. Stephen. No, no, I'm serious. I do have shows. You really perform at retirement homes? Yes. How do you get those gigs? We started performing to get stage time. Oh, so my troop. We're called Five Star Review. Oh, you really do improv. Yeah. I bet they carry a lot of the way. If you could get to these old folks' home people, I would let you in, but you're not old enough. But no, it's wonderful. They. Okay. I got to get you out of here. I love you. Stephen Berry. Everybody. There's a little joke, but we're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Stephen Berry. Catch his troop at a retirement community near you. I'm like, what are you good at? What do you do? Fucking anything. He's like improv. Okay. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny V. Everybody. Clearly anything can happen here. Danny V. Thank you. Thank you. I pull my pants all the way down at the urinal. I don't have a big dick, but I have a nice ass. This one's rough. Charlie Kirk died. I wonder if he's pissed about transitioning from alive to dead. Something I'm going through right now. I have two roommates. One's an elderly black lady. Another one is a deaf guy. And one of them, the smoke detector needs to be changed. And I do not know who to go to about it. So Chuck Norris died. RIP to the go. It's rumored that when they were trying to lower him down into the ground, they couldn't lower him any further. So they pushed the earth up six feet. So, all right, that's my time. Danny V, you were on last week, two weeks ago, yeah. And this went better than that, didn't it? I think so, yeah, yeah. I think so too. Yeah. You're incredibly lucky. for getting four two times to mothership shows in a row. Remind us how long you been on stand-up? Three years. Where at? Mostly in Austin but I started out in Vegas. Wow, another guy that started in Vegas. Incredible. What do you do for work, Danny? Doordash and Fiverr. Wow, almost everybody's delivering today. Incredible. And what's changed in your life since you were on two weeks ago? Honestly, not too much. I mean, I'm just like I got tickets to go to like a big rock concert that I'm excited for. What's the rock concert? Aftershock. It's not here in Texas. It's in California. Okay, tell us about aftershock. What do we know? What do you know about aftershock? So there's like, it's a four-day festival. There's gonna be a shit ton of bands. Wootaine Clans go away. Okay, now we're talking. So it's the name of a festival. Yeah. Got it. Okay, who other than Wootaine Clan will be there? I'm trying to think of people you might know. What the fuck's that supposed to mean? I don't know. There's some like some pretty niche bands like a band that I'm really excited to see is Babymetal. Babymetal. I'm a huge fan of Babymetal. Yeah, absolutely. We know Babymetal very well. They play a fucking kickass show. It's so much fun. Three little Japanese girls. Uh-huh. Yeah, we know them. They cover your system of it down. Am I right? Yeah. See, you didn't think I fucking knew about that. That's fun. You have a girlfriend, Danny B? No. So last time I was on, I told you about I was in a situation ship. And then like that night pretty much just ended. Remind everybody what you said about the situation ship. So like, we're cool with each other. We like, it was kind of like, we were each other's primary dating person. And then like, we would also fuck other people on the side. But like, we would hang out, go do some shit, and then also have sex. So then you did the show last time we taped one here. Yeah. And then what happened? Why did it end? It seemed like everything was just fine. You guys were good old fuck buddies. What went wrong? Well, like the guy who was always Jeff R. Curry. So like, we talked and it just kind of made me feel like I was getting cut. And I didn't like that at all. You talked with who? Jeff R. Curry, the guy who was on the show. Yeah. And you felt like you were getting cut. Yeah. Describe why you were feeling that way. Well, I'd like, she's doing better or she was doing better than me with dudes. So yeah. Yeah. Women have a pussy. I don't know if you know this. Yeah. Women have a vagina that they can use that any time they want. You look like a guy that fucking was in an incubator filled with muscle milk. And grew to a full size ripped toddler of some kind. Half pint. I'm a joke. If I shave my beard, I look like a old baby. I just made that joke. That's incredible. I've never seen you do that joke. And somehow I completely agree with you. So you have decided to end things with this girl because Jeff R. Curry made you feel like she was doing better than you. Well, like, I mean, I just like looked at the situation. I just, I didn't, I mean, I, it's the same thing with porn. Like, I just feel like I'm getting cut the whole time. We're playing what you mean by the porn cut thing. I mean, I'm a dude watching a dude fuck a girl. That's like the definition of cooking. I mean, not like in person, but in like a round about way, it's kind of cooking. So let me ask you this. What type of porn are you watching now? Since I do. I'm not watching any porn. Wow. Yeah. Are you masturbating at all? What are you doing with all that extra energy? I'm trying to like refocus it into like better areas like working out, stand up. What type of workouts have you been doing? Oh, weightlifting. What kind of weights? The pink ones were like you going. Now, those are your weights, but. Whoa. Whoa. I may not need not what or not. I'm not, but what are you? I'm rubber in your glue. Stop to you. You got me. I know you are, but what am I? But like, I don't know regular weights. Okay. Yeah. How much are we talking? You doing a lot of reps. Are you doing heavy weights, low reps? More like lots of weight or lots of reps, low weight. Okay. There you go. It's got the official sound of low weight. Lots of reps. That is a rubber ducky. I love it. Okay. So I was right. There's a chance pink weights are flora. No, no, no, slightly above pink weights. Like yellow. You don't 15s. No, 20s. I mean, what exercise are we talking about? I don't know. You tell me. I'm asking you. What are you curl? And for curls, like 25s. You got the official sound of 25. More like curly fries. Am I right? All right. All right. All right, Danny B. Will you've gotten on twice in two mothership shows? You're extremely lucky. Have you ever gotten extremely lucky anywhere else in life before I let you go seem like I can talk about a time I was very unlucky. Okay. Maybe two years ago. It's pretty interesting. Okay. Let's do it. So when I first moved to Austin, I was living in my car. And like, one night, three kids, like tried to break in and steal my car. When you say, when you say kids, describe it a little better for us. So we're talking about 15, 20, 25. It was a 17-year-old, a 15-year-old, and a 13-year-old. Wow. Tony was to know what color they wore. That's. Oh, I know what color they were. Kind of like my old face player over here. That's the color that D-man sees. So it was. It was three young black men. Wow. Yeah. Hard to see at night. Were you in the fetal position in your back seat or were you a friend seat sleeper? I was sleeping in the back seat. They like tapped on the window. I woke up like that crazy. I didn't know what it was. Look at this bigger baby. Look at that motherfucker. Let's wrap this bitch ass big ass baby looking at mother fucking bitch ass big ass baby is baby looking as bitch. Where's your wallet? Bitch ass baby. Look at your bearded baby bitch ass motherfucker. Show big ass weights under the passenger seat. Lion ass bitch ass baby ass bearded baby ass motherfucker. I'm about to rob the shit outta yo bitch ass baby ass. All right, sorry. I got a little excited there. Why are you doing the light keynote? All right, we're having fun here. Just some straight up good old racism. My specialty. If you've listened to CNN you will know that is all that I do. All right. So then what happened? So I woke up. I thought it was like the security guard trying to get me out of there or something like that and then he pointed a lock with like an extended mag. Oh wow. Yeah. So I may have started new merch for you, my friend. Sounds like you have a new t-shirt. Just put my face on. Follow me at bitch ass baby ass bitch ass motherfucker.com for my tour dates. Okay, so we pointed the gun at you. Yeah, and just like talking a bunch of shit like a open up the door now. I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass and then like so fucking lie. We don't see that shit normal. Yeah, bust a cap, right? It was a cap gun. That's what he meant. It was a cap gun because he's a little baby ass bitch ass. I wouldn't even hurt this bitch ass baby looking at motherfucker. Man with my lecture gloves. I was wearing that puppy ass vest. I would have felt more confident. So let me ask you this when you see the black man outside of your car. What's the first thing you do? You take the pacifier out of your mouth and then what? No, I mean I started I was like dude I live in this car. I cannot give you this car. Like what do you need? And then he was like I'll give you $500 if you let it if you give us a ride somewhere and I was like that is the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Like that's not happening. Really? Yeah, but you do door dash for a living. I mean it seems like a pretty good deal. Well, you're too tired to make $500. I would love that back when I was sleeping in my car. That's a fucking that's like 50 hours of work or something. Yeah, that's not that wouldn't have happened. I would have been standing there with my dick in my hand, but anyway so look off when you're around young black man. Exactly. All right fun times congratulations you got a big joke book last time you're on right? I got a medium. Really? Well, guess what pal? You've upgraded you bitch baby. All right. We're having fun here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the lovely Heidi everybody the modern day vandal white of comedy. You know, as you look at red band, you could tell as you get older there are certain things you put off. until you realize you shouldn't. For a lot of people, life insurance is one of them. I took out a policy on RedBan this week. Whether you've got a family, a mortgage, or just a silly, unhealthy friend, or people that depend on you, it's one of those things that's worth taking seriously. That's why I like ethos. They make getting life insurance, simple and convenient. Everything is done online. You can get a quote in seconds, supply in minutes, and potentially get same-day coverage. There's no medical exam required. You just answer a few simple health questions online. RedBan, you can get up to $3 million in coverage, and some policies are as low as $30 per month. If life insurance has been sitting on your to-do list, take a few minutes and check it out. - Wow, great advice, RedBan. No doubt about it. Take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com/killtony. That's ETHOS.com/killtony. Application times may vary, rates may vary. Protect your family with life insurance from ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com/killtony. Trust pilot rating as of August 1st, 2026. - Unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a special treat for you. We have one of our elite regulars waiting right behind that curtain. He has the very, very tough job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. At one point, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Here he is. (upbeat music) - Guys, I hate politics, but sometimes people ask me political questions. Like this dude came to me and said, "Dedrick, are you more of a boobs or a butt man?" Right? And I don't like politics, but I had to answer the man and I said, "Brother, I don't care what the restaurant is serving. I'm here to eat, like, you know, like I, I prefer the combo meal. If I could get both boobs and butt, that's a great combo meal, but if the chef is 86 ass today, I'm fine with the titties. Like, you know what I'm saying? I'm fine with, it's like tots in french fries. I don't care putting it in my mouth, like, you know what I'm saying? I'm not, I'm not here for that. And that's why I hate politics. Like, it reminds me of the great political discussion, drums or flats when it comes to wings. And I'll be like, "Brother, I doesn't matter. I'm bilingual." (audience laughing) We're not here for these side items, we're here for the entree, which is the vagina, right? I don't care if, I don't care if they have broccoli or not. Nigga, bring me the steak. (audience laughing) Thank y'all. (audience applauding) - Dead your friend with a brand new minute 30. (audience applauding) Always doing more than he has to amazing stuff. So fun. That is the correct answer. - Yeah, I appreciate you Tony for saying that. - Can I say that that nigga was absolutely lying about getting robbed by three black kids. - Yeah. - This nigga's clear, first of all, I've never seen three black kids in Austin. - Yeah. - Like, you know what I'm saying? So that nigga's clearly lying. (audience laughing) That nigga's liar and I just, I can't stand. You know I love facts. - Yeah. - And I just, that nigga's lying. And also, three black kids don't need a gun to rob that nigga. Like you're, I'm sure some harsh words would get that nigga out of the car. (audience applauding) - Yeah. You are absolutely correct. That is an amazing fun fact. I think I've seen every possible type of group of demand and this is going to rob him right now. - Yeah, yeah. - Fuck him up. - And you go, you bitch head, baby, look at that motherfucker. (audience laughing) - Hey, come to me bitch. I wanna fucking steal your shit. (audience laughing) I said, pop a cap and you said, that nigga watch one movie. He was like, I know how to get robbed by three black people. (audience laughing) I swear to God if I find your ass, I'm taking everything. Bitches, baby, look at that. All right. You are correct. I have never seen three young black men in the city of Austin at the same time. - No. - And that is why I call it home. (audience laughing) - That is why I call it property here, ladies and gentlemen. (audience laughing) - I'm sorry, I'll be late when he can see no niggas. (audience laughing) - The hell is that supposed to mean? - I'm sorry. (audience laughing) - I wanna say, all right, P. Hayden Pena Terry. - Yeah, I don't know who this person is. - But nigga, you ain't watch her remember the Titans. That's why you grew up racist. (audience laughing) (laughing) - Is that what it is? - Oh, man. - I'm gonna watch it when I get home. (laughing) - Strong side. (audience laughing) Explain remember the Titans to me so that I can know what I've been missing. So basically, God made this movie that. (audience laughing) So he could bring black and white people together in the South, right? And so, 'cause God made that movie. So if you watch that movie and you still racist, God is telling you you're going to hell, right? Because between the two white, all white school and the black culture, just watch this and then you'll love that. (audience laughing) - Oh, now I'm interested. - And the hate adventure is like the daughter and the white culture, and everybody gets, they go to the trials and tribulations back to the end of the day. It's about football and that's what bring, and so that's why like the SEC, we went football all the time. (audience laughing) - Because you know that movie brought us together, 'cause if you go to the Pacific Northwest, their sports movies are different. They have like air butt. (audience laughing) And that's the movie about a golden retriever scoring a triple double or white niggas. And it's the ass. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) - Wrong white, do you have anything to do? (audience laughing) You know remember to tie and juice the coach in that movie. (audience laughing) - No, he was the one that got fired, 'cause he couldn't accept it. (audience laughing) - I ain't playing for no coach, dude. (audience laughing) - Oh, shit. (audience laughing) - These guys are gonna rob Danny V after this. They're really making friends over here. - They ain't got none now, won't. - That's right. - He fought for a, you know, that's my girl height. (audience laughing) - I love it. - I love it. - Man, that is hilarious. I gotta watch, remember the Titans? I've heard of it a bunch. - You guys do don't eat. - I watched this one black, I watch this one. - What are you, what are you doing? I don't even have to say here he goes. I'm sorry, I'm lying and I spoke out from my heart, but I mean, just stop it. - I watched this one football movie with black people. It's called The NFL. (laughing) - And it plays every Sunday. - Every Sunday I play it at my house. - God, I love NFL. I love black people. - Yeah, it's coming. - I love white people. They got a lot more white DBs in the league right now. - Right now, 'cause it's prepsies and the first. - The pleasure of drinking fifths. - The pleasure of remembering the Titans. - Get the watch to the white's plate for a couple of weeks, everybody. - And they're doing, they're remembering the whiteens. That's what I call this. That's what I call this for a couple of weeks. - 'Cause we will be forgetting about them in the main season. (laughing) - Oh my God, so much fun. Dad, Drake, you absolutely like this place. - I love y'all, day y'all so much. - He is the main captain on board. Catch him with Kilt Sony, Dallas, Houston Vegas, and New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. A lot of fun upcoming road gigs coming up to close out the year. Moody Center for the second year in a row. The biggest arena in Austin, Texas, while simultaneously doing every week here at the mothership. All right, back to the bucket, we go, everybody. You know how this goes, anything gonna happen. Make some noise for a minute uninterrupted for the comedy seller, or setter perhaps, or setter perhaps, the comedy seller. - What's going on? My name is Steve Francois. I'm a suburb Negro. (laughing) My black friends don't like it, they be real judgmental. They be like, yo bro, I don't know how you cool with white people, y'all. I don't like the way white people treat us. I feel like why people are like, "Why do you have a girlfriend?" People treat us like dogs, and I'm like, "Have you seen the way white people treat dogs?" (audience laughing) Oh man. Yo, how good is your life? How good is your existence? You're not trying to be treated like a white dog. (audience laughing) Yo, white people treat the dog better than they treat their family. (audience laughing) You ever see this shit? They'll send their parents off to a home, and then adopt a three-legged rescue. (audience laughing) Name the dog, "Trapad." (audience laughing) Fuck yeah, man. Welcome, welcome. Welcome. (audience cheering) So, what comedy seller, seller of comedy? I love it. I love it. The comedy seller. Absolutely. And you said your name is Mr. Francois? - We. - Wow. Oh my goodness, he speaks French. - I'm Haitian, so you know the French colonizers. You know how that goes. - Oh my goodness. - I mean, they probably don't know you guys don't know history well, so I get it. - Wow. - I know we do. - We do. - Oh, I appreciate you, all right. - Absolutely. - Big dog. - So you are a suburban friend, you said. - Suburb Negro. - Okay. I'm gonna call you a friend. (audience laughing) I'm gonna stick it out with friend here for the sake of our sponsors. - I don't know if that'll work. - So I love it, man. You are fucking fantastic. How long have you been doing stand up? - Bro, I've been doing it for like a decade plus. - I believe it. I believe it. That's exactly how it seems. You fucking flew off the map today. (audience cheering) - He's like a mix of all the King's Accomedy into one. I love it, man. - I appreciate that, Joe. - Thank you, Jay. - You are fantastic. So where did you start? What part of Atlanta did you start? - Historical. I'm actually from, I'm from dirty Jersey, originally. - Really? - Absolutely. - I grew up in Newark, Jersey. - Okay. - So that means I was raised in Italian America. You already? - Okay, hell yeah. I have a lot of friends from North Jersey. - Bergen County, son. - Okay. - Number one property tax in a nation. Gee, what you know about my education? - Shit. - Oh my God. - Wow. - It's like elegant but hood. You get me? - Absolutely. - I like it. I like it. - You murdered? I appreciate it. - Oh, he murdered. Oh my God. - Oh my God. - What's that? - My name's Jim. - Jim. - Jim, Jim. - Let's get it, baby. - Jim. - Oh my God. Dee Madness. You're lucky. You came back. I was about to make him the new full-time bass player. - Oh my God. - It's guy's coolest shit. - Thank you. I appreciate you, Jim. - Can I ask how old you are, Mr. Fritz? - I'm going to be 41 this year. - Oh my goodness. Wow. You look fantastic. - Thank you, bro. - So what you been doing your whole life? - My family's from Haiti, so I've been your extra Haitian. - Okay. - What kind of dogs and cats you've been eating? - See, bro, we don't even do that. We'll actually happen. Let me tell you what happened. - Come on now. - Let me tell you what happened. They were actually hunting like geese in shit from the park. So that's not terrible, dog. Think about Chinese people take cats. Why can't we get geese? It'll be all right. - All right. - We're not selling it. - How do you prep a geese? - How do you cook a geese? - I don't cook that shit. - I'm talking about a point second off. - I would not, bro. I don't cook that shit. I eat like plantains, chicken breasts, you should like that. - Okay. - I'll try to eat good. - Yeah, me too. I love plantains. It's a fried banana. - He said plantains, not plantations. - Oh. Okay. (audience laughing) That's what it is. That was about to ask. If you wanted to come work on my plantain for me. I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting. - Yo listen, I'm my being a sage. - I love it. I love it. I love it. You're killing it. What does that mean? - He's already got the suit on. That's what he's saying. (audience laughing) - You'll be shaving your neck in no time. (audience laughing) - Oh my, the Django, you already know, bro. So what have you been doing for a living? You started to stand up at about 30 years old or so. - Yeah, I was doing theater before. I was in New York doing theater, like that off Broadway. - Amazing, amazing. Like Hamilton or something like that? - Nah, bro, like real bar shows type shit, you get me? - Okay, no, I don't get it. - Yeah, you don't get it, man. - I want to understand, but I don't. - Like a real off off, bro. - He's doing Magic Johnson theater, yeah. (audience laughing) - Oh, you guys are all out of control. - What do you mean you guys? - Not you, not you, not you, my friend. - You sit, you stay, sit, stay, to call back to the doctor dog thing. - That's what I'm saying, treat me with love, treat me like a dog. - Without showing his set, or else that looks really bad. - What show, what show? - But I mean, if you hire me, it won't be bad, 'cause I fuck with you, give me two. - What would you do, what can I possibly hire you for? 'Cause I'm honestly, I'm interested. I'm not gonna do it, but I'm interested. - I mean, I ain't gonna hold you, bro. I saw your special, you need a strategy. I ain't gonna hold you. - I do, I do. - I ain't gonna hold you, I ain't gonna hold you. - I went, this is actually the exact same show. - I don't change things about it. - I was like, I'm like, go, how? Why didn't you always call him gay? I'm like, you don't dress well enough to be gay. - That is true. That is true. I completely, I went for comfort on that one. - Yeah, I was what I'm saying. - I love it. - And now he's up, tell me. - Mr. Francois, tell me, how would you dress me, 'cause I'm taking notes here. - Oh, white jacket, khaki pants, one t-shirt. I mean, nah, nah, nah. - Got a Simpson's hair, dude. He's done it. So. (audience laughing) - He called him black size so Bob, that's Bob. - No, he meant the OJ Simpson. - Oh, okay. (audience laughing) - Oh my god, we are having fun here tonight, Mr. Francois. - Yeah, you actually know a few of my boys. I was trying to get on like, oh, you know Ryan, right Ryan. - It's good for me. Tell the people that I have black friends, please. - I'm not honest. Tell them we're all about my black friends, Mr. Francois. - I'm talking about a white Canadian. - Oh, fuck. (audience laughing) - Those are my favorite. - But, we check it out. - No, no, no, an immigrant. - An immigrant. - An immigrant. - Yeah. - Ryan Long. - Yes. - Yeah, that's my homie. I gave him his first job in America when he came from Canada. - Okay. What was that first job? I can't. - It was a comedy job. I was like, come on, Mr. Francois. - Like, I'm saying, tone context. - Oh my god, here's my wallet. Take it. (audience cheering) - That's all. - If you offer it, I'm not saying no. - I love it, man. - So tell me more about your life. You are so fun, you're, you believe it or, there was a guy up here that said he did improv earlier. Didn't say a funny thing the whole fucking time. I'm looking at you. You are a master of the craft. - Naturally fun. - I did door-to-door sales for five years. - Oh, let's go. - With crack heads, with tired baseball players. - Okay. - And an African dude that knows the entire dictionary. - Wow. - And that's all just you, those three people. - That's amazing. Tell us about the donkeys you were not. (audience laughing) - Well played. (laughing) - What were you selling door-to-door? - Yo, I'm Haitian brother. Different culture, dog. - Haitians changed their smoke detectors red, baby. You have to study the different shades of black. - We don't have to upgrade your racism, dude. Come on. - That's right. - That's right. I would have preferred more like African sounds. I would have been more relatable. - That's the Haitian sound we came up with. (audience laughing) - But when I was doing door-to-door, I was doing cable. I did file. Files was big money. I was making a buck 20. A hundred and thousand a year selling fucking door-to-door, bro. - Selling door-to-door, what? - Files, Verizon, Files, bro. - Wow, that's like internet. - Literally. - Okay. - Fiber optics, dude. - Okay, I didn't even know about that. I just have that. I just only, I don't even do that. - See, that's why I'm educating you, play. - Wow, I don't think I need to know about it. It just exists. I'm just already logged on to my Wi-Fi and never think about it again. But here you are to teach me what's going on. - I got you, G. - I love it. - You're my new best friend. - So, yo, can we hug? - Can we hug? - Yo, can we hug? - No, no, no, no, let's hug. - So, you're the one getting gay, yeah. - Let me know. - Come on. Don't pull the old switcher root. - Bro, I'm happy, G. - No, I love it. - How many times I've been here, G? - How many times have you signed up? - 45 dog, I've come when you're away and you get, G, I'm all, I come here, I walk up to stairs, I'm like, why aren't you telling me? It's like, I like the way you was walking up the stairs. I thought you knew where it's going. So, I've been here so many times, even when you're not here, I just show up every single Monday. - Wow. I love it, man. You look at you, making the most to the moment. - Bro. - Making the most to the opportunity. - I moved here for Killtony and Taxes. - I love it. - Bro, me too. (laughing) - That's what I'm saying! - The murder, what's up? - Damn it, I'm going to start. - When you start, you're already starting. You're fucking stealing the show tonight. - Oh, listen, what's up? Well, my ticket, G. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm close now, don't get sick. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - This reminds me of the movie "Remember the Titles." (laughing) - Mr. France, swa, you are a wild man. Give us one more fun fact about you before I get you out. - Oh, I can probably dominate 95% of these people in this room when it comes to pull-ups. Can't nobody see me? - Really? - Oh, god. - You're a pull-up master? - I trained with dudes that went to prison. Oh, god, let's get it. - I totally believe it. I don't believe it. This is Joe Rogan's comedy club, so I think we have a pull-up bar, right behind the card. That's probably true. Joe began. Why? I speak two and a half languages. Okay. What are the two and a half languages? One is English. One is English. I speak my palikaya. I say I speak the same way. I'm with Fetty C. But I say I speak the same way. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. Wait. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. Okay. What did you just say, by the way? Wow, my pussy just got wet. That is incredible. Absolutely amazing. You want me to give you one? I'll give you one. Hi. You walk up to the hottest girl in a place. And you go listen, I know that you get hit on all the time because you're such a beautiful woman. But I want you to know that unlike the other guys in the bar here tonight, I'm telling you the God's honest truth when I say I almost wore that exact same outfit. See, and the pussy just falls all over. I get it, but like, they know you got money because they let you talk for real long. You know what I'm saying, sort of? Sort of not really buying all that. It's like, we listen to an old white money got to say. You through me? I got a shorter version of it. Yeah. Mr. Francois, you are hilarious. What's your full name again? You said it in the beginning. Steve Francois. Steve Francois, is that your real name? Yeah, my parents couldn't give me a trust fund so they gave me a trust name. You give me. My black two name Steve. It's a blessing, brother. Wow. Let me do you. Steve Francois, you are absolutely fucking incredible. Will we spend so much time pulling names out of this goddamn bucket? And the fact that you've signed up so many times and really, really want this, and you know, it seems like you really work for it in 10 years in the game and you moved to Austin full time. How long did you move here? Over a year ago. Over a year. March last year. And you sign up every Monday. Every single Monday. You're trying your best. You're doing it all. You're doing spots all around town. I do spots all around town, but it's like, I'm not, I haven't been on here. So the disrespect is wild. You feel me? So say that again. Talk about my microphone. I said, I'm not from here. So it's like, I'm not on Killton. Never been on. It's like, I can't just be funny. You get me? Gotta have a name. Gotta have this. I'm like, dude, I just come to work. Right. Well, you have one now, Mr. Francois. And an amazing, an amazing appearance on the show. You're exactly the type of thing that we love about this show. You know, all different ages, shapes, sizes, hairdos, jackets. The whole thing. So congratulations. Here's a golden ticket. Let's fucking go. Steven, friends, walk. A 16-minute walk interview. An unbelievable minute. Thank you, friends, to all ladies and gentlemen. Following that, the comedy seller. Dreams are coming true. The crowd goes wild. He's taking everybody's hand. These races, people are mad. They're leaving. It's remember the Titans too. Wow, what a performance from the comedy seller, Mr. Steven Francois. Clearly, anything can happen here tonight. That guy did more jokes than the other seven bucket pulls put together. Just six bucket pulls put together. And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Brent Reed, everybody. Here we go. Well, if you like that last guy, this is going to be different. It's good. [ Applause ] I'm half gay. I'm a sister's son. My sister's gay. She's full-blown. She builds coffee tables and shit. You'd love her. She's Irish twins. That, of course, means I'm an alcoholic. She's a potato. And growing up, she was always the favorite. You know, nicer, smarter, better, and school. But I'm her little brother. We grew up in a 1,200-person town in Alabama. So she came out gay. I was like, oops. Guess who's the new favorite? Finally, my time to shine. Now it's just something my dad uses against me. He's like, son, why can't you just go out there and get you some pussy like you sister? Brittany's got a wife and kid. He got two male roommates. And somehow that's gayer. It is. All right. Thank you guys. Fantastic. The very funny Brent Reed. We know Brent. Very funny man. Works here at the mothership. You're on the corporate now, huh? Yeah. I'm the second newest door guy. We just hired a new guy today, but I was the newest till today. I love it. I love it. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you so much. Part of the elite comedians that work here at the mothership following in the footsteps of the world-famous comedy store this place only hires comedians as door guys. So they get to be around it, get to see it, get to see how a professional comedians work and interact in every single facet of the game. Just like I was a door guy. Jaron was a door guy at the comedy store. Oh, yeah. So happy to be here. Yeah. It's fun. How's life been going, Brent? It's been going all right. I'm trying to quit my job at the escape room, but I. You really work at an escape room? Yeah. I can't figure out how to leave. Can I tell you? Oh, that's funny. You son of a bit. You got me. You don't work at an escape room. Yeah. Four dreams of escape room. E-sees your chavis. I'm going to be there probably two more weeks. Wow. At the right, it's going. I'm scared of the shit. I'm going to get fired for scared and shit out of kids, I think. A kid asked me recently, "What happens if we notice a kid?" But I said, "You have to work here." I've been here since 2018. Please help. How hilarious. How hilarious. Help me. Wow. Tell us more about your light, Brent Read. I'm going through a breakup and I have major depressive disorder. Yeah. Tell us more about that. Well. Going through a breakup when you have depression is tough. It, you know, feels like getting a cold when you have AIDS a little bit. You know, it's like I've had one of these before but this one's going to kill me. I'm dead. Amazing. Friends, tell us about your life where you're originally from. I'm from a small town in Alabama called Kato. I can't remember the word for it but it's not recognized by the government as a town. It's in between two towns. I'm not undocumented. There's a word for it. Wow. Wow. But uh, 1200 people, uh, yeah, middle of fucking nowhere between Decatur and Molten Alabama and then I moved to Huntsville to do comedy. Damn. I did radio and Florence for like six years and you started at Stand Up Live in Huntsville? Yeah. That was where I got my first hosting gigs and stuff. But I started at Biker bars in Sheffield, Alabama. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. I got threatened with death a lot. Yeah. He has a cat named Rooster. He had a Mohawk. He was in a Biker gang. Wow. Incredible. Cat Tower, Alabama. Yeah. It was C-A-D-D-D-O, Kato. Wow. That sounds like a type of place I would make sure I did not run out of gas. You would hate it? You would hate it so much. That's incredible. It's like 45 minutes outside of Huntsville. It's like you're going to be the biggest star out of there, though, right? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Nobody's close. Yeah. God bless them. I love them. How long have you suffered from depression? Maybe there's someone out there listening that they-- I think-- well, I'm in therapy now. I got therapy through-- I don't know if I should talk-- I guess I can talk about this. I get therapy through the mothership. They have a program that helps us with mental health stuff, so it's helped me out a lot. Amazing stuff. Yeah. Shout out to my therapist, Ray. I love you, baby. Oh, yeah, shout out to Ray Ray. I love it. I imagine Ray Ray's a lot like Mr. Francois. Yeah, he's the same-- that's him, actually. Let me give you-- he uses a stage name because he's a therapist, you can't, you know? Let me give you a hug. Let me kiss you on your foot. Tell us more about this lesbian sister of yours. Oh, she's, yeah. She's real gay. She lives with her wife. She has a kid. He's a science, not a miracle, and-- What? My nephew, I have a three-year-old nephew, his name is Tucker, he's autistic, and I love him. Love superheroes. He asked me if there's any autistic superheroes, I was like, I think I'll love him. I think anybody wears a cape qualifies. Yeah. No doubt. Anybody that wears their underwear over their pants? That's right. Definitely autistic. No question about it. Wow, Brent, you're so funny. Thank you so much. What's something that you've learned about handling? I guess I didn't finish my original question. What's something about being depressed and handling it and getting through it that maybe you could say right now that could be a good piece of advice for somebody that's listening that might be depressed as fuck? I think talking about it, treating it like your sick is good. You know, I talked to my parents about it. My aunt Tina, I went to the top of a parking deck and was going to jump up. I got fired from radio, you see? Wow. What level of the parking deck, Rick? The top one, and level four. My dad called, actually. Buddy, you mentioned that. My dad called me. Like, as I was staring off, I was up there a long time. Thank God for Verizon Fire. That's right. I just learned about this. And I told him where I was, and he always says the perfect thing in the perfect time. And he was like, "You talking about that parking deck on the campus, University of North Alabama?" I was like, "Yes, sir. That's the one who goes, "That thing ain't high enough to kill you. That hurt like hell." You just been paralyzed and sad. I tell you what, me and your mom are going to be sad if we have to wipe your ass again. Stop, I'm going to cry. Absolutely incredible, Brent Reade. Thank you so much. You are fantastic. How long have you been going to stand up again? Seven years. Seven years. How much of it in Austin? The three and a half years, I think. Yeah, I moved here. And then I'm open for Brian Simpson in Huntsville. And then I moved here two weeks later. The mother ship opened a bought a ticket to bottom of the barrel, Brian's improvised comedy show on Tuesdays. He saw me in the crowd. And he was like, "Where do I know you from?" In the mic. And I was like, "I'm open for you in Huntsville." And he goes, "Oh, shit, you left that girl." And I, he like remembered shit I told him. And he was like, "You want to stay and do the late show?" So I stayed into the late show. He got saw him in. I was like a year process, but I eventually got fast. Wow. How reason was this break up? That one. I left. I'm kind of a serial monogamous. When I left Alabama three and a half years ago, but I'm going through a new one that's like two weeks old. Two weeks old. How did it end? What went wrong? She broke up with you? Yeah. She broke up with me a couple times. And then we got back together kind of like we weren't dating and she was talking to other dudes with boats. Oh, no. You know what that means. Yeah. Yeah. And it just kind of had to get out of there. Wow. It's tough from sad. Yep. He probably owns a horse as well, right, Bann? Yeah. Is kidding. Well, let me say something. I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I'm going to be gone for three weeks and I'm going to come back and do some sets because I want to start to run again and September. And I want you to do one of those sets for me here. Oh, fuck it. I'm just fucking with you. By the way, my dad doesn't believe in me. He's going to be tickled pink that I'm talking to you right now instead. He's going to be. He's going to shit blood. Oh no. You made a mess. It's OK. You want me to clean it up? I'll do whatever you want. It's my friend. Brett, I'm telling you, you crushed it here tonight and you are a part of absolute history because this is the first time ever in which we've had back-to-back Golden Ticket Winners. Congratulations. Congratulations. Brett. Hell, yeah. Leave your avails. We'll get you another minute up here on this show sometime soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody, peeping everybody well-high-graded here tonight? Fantastic. This show's flying. Can there be three in a row? Do you believe in miracles? Oh, I feel bad for the next guy. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the fucking pool named Donnell Graves, everybody. Donnell Graves. What's up? I'm here, y'all. I'm trying to be happy. I just want to be happy like little Mexican kids at Ross. I'm trying to be happy like white people checking the credit. We know y'all not paying back all those loans. I'm trying to be happy like Muslim store owners who come to America, open gas stations and sell cigarettes, alcohol, and pork skins. I'm sure I'll lie. But I got a lot of questions, though. One big question I have is how is it that Uber, Lyft, and Chinese massage parlors are legal, but prostitution is illegal. I mean, a ride is a ride is a ride, right? Thank y'all, I'm Donnell Graves. Donnell Graves, 53 seconds of Donnell Graves. Welcome, welcome. How are you? I'm doing great, man. Thank you so much. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I started in '99, 27 years ago, but it was broken up because I was in the military traveling all over the world. Okay. What'd you do in the military? I was a canine handler in the Marine Corps. There's a lot of dog owners out there, right? Yeah. They love you. We used to look for bombs and stuff. Iraq, Afghanistan, Washington, D.C., all over the place. You catch some bombs? Yes. I didn't catch them, but I found some. Hell yeah. And I see some people who found some, too. Yeah. Yeah. You used to be a white guy. Yeah. Wow. My credit is. How long were you in the military, Donald? Total idea, 25 years in the military. Wow. That's incredible. I love it. And so you started stand-up, then went into the military and now you're back. Yeah. I used to be, before I joined the military, I worked as a strip club DJ. And then I was like, I want a respectable job. I want to be around good people. Yeah. Yeah. I joined the military. It was the same people. Hell yeah. Can we hear your strip club DJ introduction voice? - Absolutely. - Yeah. - Tonight, get ready for the world-famous rump-sicker contest going on right here at Guiltoni. (audience cheering) - Black, cripple, or crazy, 18 or 80. We don't care if you got one leg. Hop up on that good foot. - Damn right. - Absolutely. (audience cheering) - Man, good. Damn, ass was rump when you were DJing. That's crazy. That was sort of the '85 news out there. - No, I started DJing strip clubs in '92. - Okay, so there was still some bush hanging out. - Well, you know, I didn't see the new during that time. It was all covered up. We had some crazy laws. I started in Louisiana. - Okay. - Louisiana up in here. - Yeah. - And I started there. And it was crazy 'cause it had laws yet to cover up the dresses and all that stuff. - Oh no, we hate it when the dresses are covered. - Yeah. - That is, so there must be six of them at once for it to be breast dishes. - Yeah. - Six breasted Louisiana in bread women. That's what it sounds like. We were missing out on. - Is that it? - If you guys love six breasts, get ready. You're come fucking exotit. (audience laughing) Wow, breast dishes. Wow, okay, so what's the craziest thing you ever saw at the strip club? - Craziest thing I ever saw at the strip club was this woman. She had this big old pole and she went way up the pole and she was twirling and she looked really good but her hair was down on the bottom. - Oh no, the weave. - Yeah, y'all just had its own life. - Wow, oh, man. - It was wow, man, I feel bad for her. - Damn. So the laws of Louisiana breast dishes covered, vagina's is covered. - Yeah, everything was covered. - So is it really a strip club? - It was, they called it bikini bars when I first started 'cause I DJed in Louisiana, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, California, and in Japan. - Whoa, what's a Japanese strip club like I'm asking for Red Band? (audience laughing) - Well, we were outside the Marine Corps base in Okinawa, Japan and it was the home of Hitori Hanzo. - I don't know them. - Well, he makes the best swords from Kel Bell. - Oh, okay, well, yeah, that was his house. (audience laughing) - We didn't start watching 'Til Django, like. (laughing) - So, Donnell, what do you do for work now? - I don't do anything. (audience laughing) - It's a tie from a military, right? - I retired from the military and did not went back and work as a civilian contractor and I made a lot of money and I came back and now I just rent pussy. - You rent it? - No, I just-- - You say rent? - I'm just playing. - What does that even mean? - That means you lease it. But for the laws, you know, I don't wanna say too much 'cause I don't want to, you know. Good clean, hold some family show. (audience laughing) - You should have meant Mr. Francois. (audience laughing) - It's like rent to bone. - No, no bones involved, it's, uh. (audience laughing) - Jesus. - You don't do bones. - So, Donnell, you don't have a steady lady right now? - No, no. I had one a year ago and I just kinda, uh, sorry. I just left, I just, what's it like? (audience laughing) Yeah, I just left, I'm-- - What was it about her that you just had to get away from it? What was it? It was just, you know, I spent so much time being within confined, within rules of the military and then working as a civilian for the US government and I just got tired of rules and confinement. I said, you know what, the only way to free my mind is to free my ass and get it outta here. (audience laughing) Hell yeah. I just wasn't ready for a relationship. I just wanna crack jokes and have fun. I wanna be happy, that's it. - That makes sense. Well, here you are, you're doing it, Donnell. (audience applauding) Donnell, great. - Thank you. - Congratulations. Here's a big joke book, my friend. Here you go. Donnell, great. Everybody. (audience applauding) All right, on to the next one, we go. (audience applauding) Make some noise to your next bucket bowl. We're coming around the corner here on it. Make some noise for Tyler Sullivan, everybody. (upbeat music) (audience applauding) So I recently got some good green through a gay, dude. But I'm never going through him again 'cause he pinched my sack. (audience laughing) That, and he took weed from my bag. (audience laughing) I made a chick squirt. (audience laughing) Yeah, it was driving me crazy so I popped this big ass pimple on her back. (audience laughing) Next time, I'll be sure to wear safety goggles. I met a half black, half Jewish person. It's the only time I've ever seen a Fubu Yamaka. (audience laughing) Oh yeah, Tyler Sullivan, good stuff. Welcome, welcome, hell yeah. Look at you. Wow, you must be from Catawala, Bama, huh? Where you from? Cleveland, Ohio. Whoa, Cleveland, Ohio, that's near us. Look at that. Okay, all right, all right, very good. Okay, so Cleveland, Ohio, how long you been in Austin? You live here now? No, no, I'm leaving tomorrow. Okay, you're just visiting. How long have you been here? Three days. What have you learned about Austin and the three days that you've been here? Heat? Yes, it is fucking unbelievably scorching nowadays. How do you handle the heat? You look like you just let it happen and just stay dehydrated, am I correct? Have you had a bottle of water since you landed? Yeah, okay, all right, good, good. I'm a little concerned about you here. Little concerned. So Tyler, what do you do for work? I work at a restaurant. You what? It's a restaurant, Swenson's, and Ohio. Awesome, and how long have you been on standup? 14 years. 14 years, hell yeah, you're a funny guy. You work at Holarides in Cleveland? I've been there, I've done the open mic when they had it. Okay, you making money doing standup at all? I host a show on Thursdays. Where out? It's called Unhinged Lounge. It's at the Unhinged Lounge in Cleveland? Yes. Okay, well, there's some people definitely listening in Ohio, Northeast Ohio, that might start going to that. Unhinged Lounge in Cleveland on Thursdays. What time? 8. 8 p.m. There you go. Who knows? There might be fucking four more people there this week. Maybe. I love it. What do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking cuts out like magazine pictures of women and then changes their eyes and their mouths and stuff to try to make your dream girl? Holy once in a while. I play a lot of chess on my phone. Oh, no, I'm with you on that. I am with you on that one. I'm obsessed. Go ahead. You have the energy of the guy who, like, when the dog gets sick, you just shoot it in the backyard. Or if it doesn't get sick. Do you look like you would shoot a dog in the back of the head? I was really worried about your haircut and then it matches your delivery so well that it works as a character. I didn't realize that's what it was, but I thought it was a really bad haircut, but it matches the persona and the delivery. And I think you did a really good job, man. You're following some really, really hot comics, too, so you did a good job, man. I was like, yeah, you did really good. What's another fun fact about Tyler Sullivan that we would find interesting? What makes you different than everybody else? I have six kids. No way. Wow. Wait, are they yours? Three are mine. Oh, wow. Yeah. And you're raising three other kids. Wow, what's the age range? What's the youngest? Youngest 11-year-old twins. Whoa, wow. And what's the oldest? 21. What's your Instagram? What? Red band. You're so fucking weird, dude. It's unbelievable. Sound effects. Sound effects. All right. Wow, Tyler. So why do I picture this woman in? I hope this doesn't sound defensive, but this is a comedy show. Why do I picture this woman that you're with? It's really big. Why do I think she's a big lady? Am I right? She over 200 pounds? Not over 200 pounds. OK. All right, you're on board. I feel like you only date women your size so that when you skin them. [LAUGHTER] You got a thing. What a drip. Wow. So what's it like having all those kids? Are they all still in the house? It's Cleveland, so I know it's hard to fucking get them out of there. Two of them are out. OK, 21-year-olds out. Yep. What are they doing? Working at the gas station around the corner? Yeah, she works at a Denny's. Yeah, that's close. That was my next guest. We know Denny's very well. I'm from Youngstown. So do you know that? Yeah. So I totally get it. Cleveland's like a huge upgrade. Cleveland's like New York City to us in Youngstown. And this is what- Cleveland's like everybody's so a match and a match and what I survived So it denys and what's the 19 year olds out? Yeah, he's going to go to Kent State nice very good That's huge. That is huge. He's gonna reenact the school shooting Maybe They all have good sense of humor is like you yeah that you've been still that in them I think I did you're a good dad. Yeah, that's great. That's amazing Tyler. That's incredible That's some good people up here Good dad military heroes Tyler, what's your what's your preferred game of chess? Do you do blitz? Do you go long form? What are we doing here? Human chess all right settle down Drone's out of control This guy's a good guy. He's a good guy be nice to him. I don't want to I think it's just the normal way. I'm not sure you just play regular. Yeah, okay, not timed or anything No, it is time. What's the time? 10? There you go. Yep. Yep. Okay. Well, maybe one day when you get to five minute blitz You'll see me on there you you at chess.com No, mine is Get on chess class get on chess.com. That's the actual thing. It's easy. It's free. It has ads on it's free Yeah, we're so dorks red band you make AI music shut the fuck up Make it better. Make it better. Check me make it better. No, I wrote the lyrics. Hey, what do you say? It's a good day I'm eating hay by the bay Shut up He playing people online using AI that are beating him. They're just like taking photos of not how work not how Not how works The whole point of playing chess would be to play yourself not to use a computer to win That's a high-level shit, though. I know you saw the Magnus Carlson documentary. Anyway Tyler Sullivan, I like your fucking style. Here's a big joke. But congratulations fantastic stuff. Thanks for coming out One final bucket pool ladies and gentlemen and here we go He goes by the name of richie swarvin everybody here comes richie swarvin I Just got a really bad relationship and just wanted to see what it felt like to speak for 60 seconds without being interrupted No, but being new to Austin. I was back on the apps back on Tinder And I had to share a very interesting match that I got she said it was a bunch of green flags Like you know love dark humor and choose gorgeous about my age, you know blonde gorgeous girl But it was like I just got diagnosed with a very aggressive rare form of cancer and I just want to have a lot of sex And have fun before starting chemo. I know what everyone's thinking like Talk about no strings attached Is she is she even gonna last nine months? Yeah, I mean, but But it did give me thinking a little further past it that I think there should be a dating app exclusively for people with like Potentially terminal illness or a terminal illness because it's awkward to like, you know hook up with someone knowing that you may die And I think we can call the app final chapter Run you're on your way out and you still want to get it in Thank you richie swarvin welcome So I'm just trying to get it right the new girl has a rare cancer your exciter cancer No, it's just someone that I matched with on Tinder, but uh did you hook up with her? No, she actually didn't respond to me, which damn It's not common so she must have died. Yeah, do you have to see got it? Wow He's cracking up over here. That's hilarious Richie how old are you? I am 35 turn 36 Saturday Okay, wow I think you told us your birthday. I actually think you might be a 19-year-old girl Um, how long have you been on standup? Uh just about nine months now nine months. We're at Just Austin. Yeah, well, I I did like two mics when I was 21. I'm from Detroit, but I I how long have you lived here? Uh since like a week after Thanksgiving, so Okay, yeah, I don't know if I'm right some very interesting mathematical answers. We're getting from you All right a week after Thanksgiving. Okay I'm not numbers guy. All right. Okay. What do you do for work, Rich? I'm a chef. Okay. What are you cooking? I'm at I'm doing Italian. I'm at Frank and Margie's. I'm not sure if you know all the plays. Yeah, thank you Senior fat ass course clapping and clapping his hands. Oh Yeah, yeah, we do know them. Yeah, it's Philip Franklin Lee. That is the great rest from the executive sous chef there Look at you. That's a big deal Hell yeah, it's a man. No, that they are fantastic. Yeah, we uh we we tend to go to his house for a Thanksgiving. Yeah That is a little tradition and that's is where that's right around when you moved here. Yeah, that's Quick with the math on that. I love it. So what I mean that is incredible because they literally are Yeah, there's no way for you guys to know so I'll just say it. They are a multiple-time Michelin star-winning chefs Yeah, and they hired you Yeah, that's incredible. How do you how do you get a job like that? Well, um since I didn't pursue comedy the last like 10-15 years. I dove into being a chef because I could be funny at work and that was kind of my outlet Also, I was a raging alcoholic. Oh, yeah, super easy to get away with. Yep, and so I kept putting it off putting it off putting it off And then I was I've been sober almost a year now and I'm like why the fuck don't I go to nice? It's horrible. Don't clap It's fucking boring. I don't suggest it just keep your shit together and fucking drink. It's awesome, but I can't but So I don't but I was like I came to the realization. I was doing like resort jobs I was in Wyoming and November and I was like wow. Why don't I just fucking move to Austin where I can do both Comedy and what I know. I'm gonna be in a chef. So yeah incredible if you Had to give some advice on how you got sober. What would you say or trick to it? It's funny you ask because it's been a fucking long journey like I've been to rehab More time like probably inpatient rehabs are either for like an extended amount of time probably 10 plus times I was someone that professionals at rehabs were saying like you're never gonna make it Just go like I had people literally tell me to give up that we're like paid to tell people not to give up Total loss costs wow total fucking lost cost and after all that this last time I didn't go anywhere didn't do it. I just stopped on my own detoxed myself at home, which is super dangerous But I hadn't like I don't know what happened. It was a a while ago and yeah, I just moved all I I was like, you know what's good for my sobriety stand-up comedy in Austin, Texas. That sounds like that's gonna be great Yeah, right and this is the first time that I've gotten close to a year without anything. I don't I can't explain it That is amazing. So let me ask you because I find it all so intriguing. Yeah The all the counselors telling you that you're not gonna make it. What were they seeing? What were they tell what were you telling them? Like what made them think that you had didn't have a chance? Well, it didn't like it didn't help that I was new I went to Tucson to stay with my sister and I got it was right when right before COVID started So anytime I fucked up anywhere. I knew no one but my sister and she was done with me the first time I started drinking again. So I was homeless So they thought I was like probably like after repeat offending like trying to find a place to just stay because I was But I'm not I wasn't you know doing that to be off the streets I really wanted to get better and just took me so many fucking tries that Statistically, it does not happen for someone like me, but I was like I don't it just It happened and you know what after that answer? I think I'm gonna get sober too Sorry, I get it now. There's been so much fucking Rehab but you have a special trick that you did was there something that you did that major There did you just hit absolute bottom That see that's the weird. I was just talking my friend about it. Yeah, I was waiting to get picked is that Or potentially There's just a moment where you hear from people where they're like all the rehabs all the all the meetings Doesn't mean shit to a lot of people you just have a moment where you're fucking done And I had it and I couldn't tell you when it was it just something clicks and some people I think don't live long enough with the drinking or drugs to get to that point of drugs where you're doing a lot of cocaine Yeah, I did do a lot of cocaine back when there wasn't fentanyl in it everywhere But I didn't do a lot of hard drugs so I moved to Tucson. So it was a weird Weird thing to start heroin at 31, but yeah I didn't shoot up though. So like it wasn't as serious. He just snorted it. Yeah, and smelt it. I know right Yeah, they call that wasted it. They call that wasting it when you don't shoot it. Yeah, he put heroin in his brownies That's a lot of brownies. I don't think you're gonna talk about a food coma Uh, love it rich. He give us one more food - Fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. - One more fun fact. - Special skills or talents? Are you really good at something? You seem like the kind of guy that can Pokemon while parkouring perhaps at the same time? - No, I mean, besides being a chef and thinking or being told I was funny, I used to skateboard and really, that's all I do is cook and do open mics. So not a lot of other fun. - Not a lot of fun. - I'm gonna set you up for one more big one here. - Yeah, what was the craziest night of drinking and drugs or whatever in which you're like, "Jesus fucking Christ, I'm an disgusting animal." Like, what was one example of which you're like-- - It was, this is the worst. - It was one of the times I could say I actually had the realization like this is enough, but it wasn't the last time that I was doing something stupid, but I had an apartment in Tucson and I woke up one morning and there's like 10 people sprawled out with needles, like still in their arms while they're passed out, not that, but just fucking out. And I was like, this is so gross. And a stripper stole all my, whatever that big check you got for doing nothing was back then from the government. - The income tax return? - No, no, the free one, the stimulus check. - COVID, yeah, the stimulus check. I cashed it, so I had all cash and the stripper that was living there with me took all the cash and I was like, I need to fucking go back to treatment and really get a handle on this. So, yeah, it was just gross. - Yeah, 'cause he weren't planning on paying that stripper at all. - I didn't have to, I didn't meet her at the strip club. She just came by 'cause she heard it was a great time, probably, yeah. (laughing) - I'll fuck some air zone. - I'll fuck some air zone. - This is a tourism ad for Tucson, Arizona, by the way. - It sucks. - I don't like it, I don't like it. - Do you think Cleveland's scary, vampire. - Keep driving through Tucson. - Yeah, don't go unless you have to, I guess. - Richie Fun Times, man. I have actually a run out of big joke books and golden tickets today, I'm kidding. You weren't gonna get one. - You got one, man. - Two little ones. - Eat, eat, eat. - It's a no. - Shut the fuck up. (laughing) - Oh shit. - There he goes, Richie, Zwarven, everything. - Zwarven, yeah, thank you guys. - And we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, we did it. We went through 10 full blown bucket pulls. The first episode ever in which we had backed it back, we sold in ticket winners. And now there's only one way to close an episode like this, and it is with a true anomaly, a freak of nature. This guy just fucking crushed two sets at MSG. He kills every time he comes out. We love him, you love him. Make some noise for the anomaly. The real deal, Pat O'Neal, everybody. (audience cheering) Okay, folks. (audience cheering) Girls are so dumb that when you're fucking 'em, they forget to come. (audience laughing) Silly broads. (audience laughing) Recent looms with this gal starts calling me daddy. Anytime I'm in bed and a girl does that, I always tell 'em the same thing. He can't help you now. (audience laughing) I don't think saying daddy is like so much of a fetish, though, is it just about how the word sounds, right? 'Cause it's always daddy. Never just dad or papa. (audience laughing) Nobody's ever throwing a back saying yes, father. Besides older boys, it's just joy. (audience cheering) Okay, that's it. Thank you. I mean, why? Just absolutely again and again and again. The best joke, fucking. I mean, it's just unbelievable. It's unbelievable what the fuck you do up here. Thank you, Tony. It's crazy. And to get to watch you, watch to get to watch the evolution every week and every place we go and everything to watch, week after week, the applause get louder. The folks get a huge pop. The folks are too kind. Thank you folks. Yeah, it is amazing and it's so fucking dessert. It's just, there's no extra hype. There's nothing that there's just the best jokes every night all the time. That is fucking incredible. So stupid, they forget to come. (audience laughing) It's unbelievable. The whole daddy thing, the alter boy finish. I mean, it's just absolutely fucking amazing what you do. You look like a comedian. You write like a comedian. You execute every joke fucking. I mean, it's just, I'm just a huge fanger on Horton. I just love the energy. It's fucking amazing. I've never seen you live before. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's like, it's like if Ricka Morty did an episode about Scarface. (audience laughing) It's another Rick and Morty remix for ya. Oh, it happens. It's okay. Don't worry about it. It happens to have someone seize them for the first time. I don't know what it is. (audience laughing) It has to be accurate if this one of you people say it. Like, I'm gonna check in with the wise sage, the fucking man, the myth, the legend that really got this whole Austin comedy scene started, convinced fucking Joe would be the first to admit that Ron is that guy that got us all here. Sold us all on Austin. This is the fucking boom town. And you've gotten to see Pat O'Neal recently because he's been doing spots with us on Tuesdays on Wednesdays. Yeah, well, I'd heard all of the, I've just been here in a buzz, you know. So if you have been to stand up comedy, well, September 17th, 40 years. So, wow, a long guy damn time. (audience applauding) And I walked out on the balcony to watch you do it as I said. And I was like, "Oh damn, this kid is so fucking good man." And I had to come out and do some stuff with me on the big room right here. And it's just amazing. I just enjoyed watching. There's just not very many comics that I'll walk out and watch a set, you know. Just because I've just seen so much of it. But yours is so original and so much fun. So great. - Thanks so much, Ron. - Thank you very much. - It's absolutely incredible. The punches hit so hard. He follows through with the punches. It's like literally a whole fucking analysis of how the thing is done can kind of be seen and understood just by watching you. It is fucking crazy. And you remind everybody why we love this industry so much. So keep up the great work. - Thank you, Donny. - Thank you, bro. - It's a powerful pat of Neil. - Oh yeah. - And then it's done it again. (audience applauding) - Yeah, we fucking did it. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh? Killed somebody's going to Dallas September 26th, Houston, October 17th, Vegas, November 13th and 14th. And again, New Year's Eve at the Moody's Center, December 31st, New Year's Eve. And for the fifth year in a row, we are doing an arena on New Year's Eve in our hometown of Austin, Texas. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebalt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there during the show. Oh, the great Ron White. Hell yeah. Guys, have you had no black colors over there? (laughing) Make some noise to the great girl on Horton, everybody. (audience applauding) Road Strider, unbelievable comedian. And have a one more time for our favorite human being on Planet Earth, the one and only Ron White, ladies and gentlemen. (audience applauding) Follow them on social media. Check out, see when they're coming near you on tour. Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) We stood, let's go. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]