#781 - JEFF ARCURI

hey this is red band and you're listening to the death squad podcast network this episode of kill tony and every episode of kill tony can be found at death squad dot tv apple spotify and anywhere you get podcasts check out tony hinchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony tony hinchcliffe you can also check out shop squad dot tv for death squad merch hats mugs whatever shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get it right tony who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives and that's the best damn band in all the land ladies and gentlemen fernando castillo raul vallejo carlos sosa tres leches michael gonzalez nachos al grande matt mulling on the electric guitar the great john d's on the keys and that believe it or not is the one and only live in the flesh d madness on the bass guitar oh my god how exciting is this what an episode we have for you here this evening we're gonna have an absolute fucking blast before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible you know that moment where you text your whole team did anyone follow up with that guy silence tumbleweeds a pig snort one thumbs up emoji two hours later meanwhile the customer has already moved on gotten married started a new business and retired lost an ear at some point you're like let's fucking quote that's why today's episode is brought to you by quote spelled q u o the business phone system built so you never miss a call speaking of missing a call here's red band with quote all your calls and texts and voicemails live in one place so anyone on your team can see the full history and respond fast it's easy to set up on any device and it's a great way to keep your existing number and teammates as you grow and close built-in ai agent handles three after our calls answering questions and even books appointment that's right i texted a business for a quote the other day never heard back and just went with the first one that answered money is on the line always say hello with quo try quo for free plus get 20 off your first six months when you go to quo.com slash kill tony that's q u o dot com slash kill tony all right before we get into it i want to tell you guys about something we just launched kill tony plus here's the deal you sign up you get every new episode ad free and uncensored we're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before this is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience you also get bonus content q a episodes behind the scenes stuff extra bits you're not getting anywhere else and there's perks on the merch store too it's five bucks a month that's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things links in the description or go straight to kill tony dot supercast.com to join this is a very very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters go to kill tony supercast.com all right back to the show who's ready to start tonight's fucking show huh you know i'm doing something special tonight very rarely for a first-time guest do we go uh solo one guest i like to break them in and uh and uh you know have them on get the feel the rhythm beforehand uh before ever having them on as a solo guest but tonight's special because this guy's fucking hilarious he's taking over he has a brand new netflix special that's absolutely crushing it he's crushing it online crushing it in life and i know for a fact that he knows the show so ladies and gentlemen it is a pleasure for me to introduce his first ever time on panel one of the top rising comedians in the world in fact he has risen his netflix specials are going to be on tonight's special special nice to meet you is killing on netflix right now make some noise for the kill tony panel debut of the great jeff bar curry everybody it's him hell yeah we're gonna have some fucking fun tonight jeff bar curry welcome welcome thank you dude i'm excited man what's up austin look at these beautiful people out here these real texans you got this guy who definitely makes bombs in a shed somewhere got a guy with an indianapolis colts visor on for some reason very very weird choice never really understood the visor just a little something to keep the sun out of your eyes right but the top of your head free hell yeah just in case just in case a man that has a specific way to use the sun you know what i mean still wants that heat on top of the head but can't have it in your eyes and you don't wear sunglasses do you you do wow you hate the sun oh my god well welcome everybody and welcome jeff thank you uh fun to have you you told me earlier that you were watching episodes a long time ago you know the show so i'm so excited to have you here nice to meet you is out now on netflix we're gonna have some fun tonight you know how the show works but let me tell you this is it this is the real deal right here over 200 names have signed up tonight in this magical bucket you know what i'm gonna do just because i feel bad for making fun of them during the first commercial break i'm gonna have our dear friend stage four pick the first name and like that it has begun that hand that cancer riddled hand has set the entire show in motion of what's to come he could have picked any name but the name that he picked has been pulled and they are wrangling that person when they get on this stage they're gonna get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear which for 13 years has been interrupted their sets in which after that i conduct an interview we have some fun we talk about them we figure out what we can find out about them and everything else in the world it goes from a stand-up show to a interview show to a fucking podcast they say it's all chaos the whole thing's improvised are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what but we go wrangle that first bucket pool i am excited about this we have a golden ticket winner cashing in for his very first time the last time he was on the show and he was on the show for the last time he was on he fucking crushed firefighter from louisiana ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the first return of aaron helts everybody i like to give my haircut the wonder cuts and if you don't know what a wonder cuts is it's like a super cuts but all the women do heroin and that's a lot of fun they're falling asleep with scissors next to your ear just admitting to crimes that you've never even heard of just i stabbed my boyfriend 18 times and then i snail trailed his car you're like snail trailed his car that's when you shit on the windshield you wipe your pussy down you're like oh lady i don't think you're getting your kids back not with this haircut they call it the wonder cuts because you wonder what the fuck is going on in there you wonder how a business can operate with six women falling asleep in their own haircutting chairs just scalping motherfuckers just meow i'm sorry did i get you i'm sorry man you wonder who's gonna fix this fucking haircut because i had a lady one time she was she was trying to give me a fade but she was already pre-fed and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry faded so it was just a stark line just up and uh eventually she looked at me and she was like i just got out of jail so i was like yeah i was just wondering that all right that's my time my name's hell yeah aaron welcome back my friend first of all i think your hair looks wonderful thank is wonder cuts a local louisiana i don't know if it's i don't think if i've i don't think i've ever heard of wonder cuts before you guys hear a wonder cuts no d where do you go for your haircuts perfect um i've never even heard of this place but it sounds hilarious it's beautiful is that it's a real place though yeah where is it in the town that i live in baton rouge i live in the suburb right outside of baton rouge what's the uh what's the name of it denim springs dim springs spring jesus christ where you live i can't believe that's a real place is that just what you call it no it's denham how do you spell that d-e-n-h-a-m wow springs okay so we have believe it or not on this show we do a fun thing where we look up the yelp reviews of places every once in a while and you best believe when you did your entire minute on a place called wonder cuts i whispered in red band's ear give me that yelp review i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what There's only two ways to do it. reviews one is a five star review and you'll never believe what the other one is that's right it's a one star review and those are the ones that we love uh but you know what i'll read i'll read the five star just because i can't believe that it's from somebody in san francisco california someone flew into dim springs world renowned just to get a fucking haircut on tuesday november 22nd 2022 my experience with wonder cuts and pam in quotations misused properly was the best haircut i've ever experienced i was greeted as i walked in the door and didn't have to wait for more than 10 minutes for a haircut pam took some extra time dealing with two cow licks i don't know if that's how that's spelled this guy got a hand job dude generally a haircut for me lasts less than about seven minutes but she took extra time to get a haircut for me last less than about seven minutes but she took extra time and trying to get it right sounds like she may have fallen asleep yeah i highly recommend wonder cuts and dim springs by bass pro shops it says right next to a bath of course it is that sounds like something we would have made up yeah yeah that sounds like a joke i bet it's by a bass pro shop and then you would have laughed but that would have been true but here we go here's the one star review ladies and gentlemen from ll who lives in dim springs after calling to check availability and closing time we arrived 30 minutes prior to closing we were refused service i explained that our total driving time was two hours why would you drive that far look there's a fantastic sam's there's a sports clips all the girls that get clean from the wonder cuts they bump them up to like a sports clips my god they'll be back why would you drive two hours i explained that our driving time was two hours and requested that they cut my son's hair they refused and said there were people ahead of us and they close at six we will not return they lost a good client who tips well wow can you imagine that tip guarantee ten dollars yeah yeah i mean no doubt about it that in dim springs is a hell of a tip if those women could read that review they'd be pretty yeah and i mean imagine driving two hours to go to a 3.0 wonder cuts in dim springs that means that i mean with they called they called i mean that's just crazy is there another wonder cuts there's one in baton rouge let's check let's check this one out 2.5 stars it's very exciting this is unbelievable we love a good local company oh oh boy we hit the lottery horrible service never even got the service we wanted because they just washed it my grandma broke her hip and just wanted to wash and dry and when we walked in no one greeted us or asked what we wanted one of the ladies seemed like we were in convincing her overall would not recommend this location one of the ladies even out loud mentioned how these kids don't tip her and in my opinion as a service worker complaining about not getting a tip in front of other customers is extremely tacky overall i would never suggest this place that's one star norma drove from baton rouge how far is baton rouge from dim spring uh 15 minutes 15 minutes 10 minutes one star beth b league city texas absolutely horrible when i sat in the chair the lady asked me what i wanted when i shower her a picture she roller her eyes at me i told her never mind i walked out never again horrible service all capital letters all right showed up one hour before close there was no one waiting in the waiting room but both both stylists were already working on some work and they told us they would not have time to cut our hair don't advertise you're open till six if you're not going to do that that's a thing that they do there for sure they tell people we're closed 30 minutes before they close all right last one when did barbers start when did barbers start asking the customer what tools they should use imagine getting a haircut and they're like yo what the fuck is this that sucks as the carpenter if asked to cut a board the carpenter would know what tools he needs to accomplish the job i didn't go to barber school i wouldn't know what size blades scissors combs or any other tools needed to do the job if i did i would probably cut my own hair a regular man's haircut used to be a simple request now i have to coach the barber i couldn't possibly in a lifetime acquire the education necessary to tell everyone else how to do their job is this the new america everybody depending upon someone else to be responsible must be the new democracy we're suffering from oh i love how this falls on trump by the way i don't have a one haircut in my life i don't have a one haircut in my life i don't have a one haircut in my life in baton rouge is because of trump this is the new america p.s there's a p.s on this review these are the people that blame everything on trump by the way there's a p.s do you know the difference between a bad haircut and a good one about two weeks what does that even mean they had to like wait two weeks for it to grow out i'm guessing is there any more i mean i'm addicted to these i just can't get enough and i know i can fucking i'm sure everyone right now i like the show when it was about helping stand-ups but i can't get enough and i just read the first line of this next one and buckle up first of all the guy's name is c-o-u good luck pronouncing that coot this has got to be the worst and most painful haircut i've ever gotten my neck has bloody scrape marks from the trimmer and my scalp feels like a garden rake was dragged across it 20 times the hair cutter was pissed off because she thought it was freezing in there but in fact it was hot as heck she took it out on my head if you're getting a haircut and you're getting like grated on your face and you don't say anything you're a bitch dude if you're just like it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay that's crazy she took it out on my head is one of the craziest lines i've ever heard of i can't believe it's an actual review i will make sure i wait until my normal barber is open in the end i didn't get what i wanted and originally requested to shape the little bit i had but she zoomed it all off to a nice coconut shape and then he took a picture of himself giving a thumbs down and posted the picture you can't even make it up spin that around for the camera over there i mean look at that hand these are louisiana inbred hands not no offense my friend i don't think you're inbred we are 50th in education so my god aaron i'm so glad you brought wonder cuts to our attention that's what that's what i was put on earth to do but you know what's really crazy is that anytime we do this anytime we do these help reviews these places become like tourist attractions so they're going to wonder why people are coming by to see us and they're going to wonder why people are coming by to see us and they're going to wonder taking pictures they're going to be so suspicious if they're ever awake one of the ladies gonna be mad she's like i told that dude the thing about my boyfriend in confidence like oh yeah these reviews are unbelievable that was all of them right i mean i mean there's no way we could get one more one star no that's it yeah that's crazy all all the other ones that i'm ignoring are all they told us they were open they're close by the way they're just not as exciting as people bleeding there was a dude that got uh the hookah lounge guy remember that oh yeah there's a hookah lounge guy and i did a show with him like a month later and i was like you have a hookah lounge and i so i was like i'll tell you what man i got a big show at this theater show i'm gonna get everyone to go to your hookah lounge afterwards he's like that would mean everything yeah so i did the show invited everyone over there fucking no one came it was just me and him eating sushi we love that guy you were just there right just in san diego hung out with him three nights in a row just got trashed till four in the morning yeah it was just me and him eating sushi this place is amazing by the way that is great it is great i will say that what's it called again it's got a funny name it's like boots pushkin pushkin pushkin pushkin in san diego go check it out it's a hookah lounge where everybody complains that the hookah goes out um aaron thank you so much congratulations on your first cash in you made a long drive to be here tonight we're gonna keep it moving aaron helps us start the show and now to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen this is where shit gets wild as you know these people could be the absolute future of the art form they could be after this bucket pool they could be a year or two away from snl or they could be you know in a mental hospital next week or last week or any time in the near future it goes both ways anything can happen make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night it's mike st hilaire everybody here we go How's it going? My name is Mike St. Hilaire. I'm at that evening. where a lot of my friends are having really successful kids, right? My one buddy's got two sons playing NCAA football. My other buddy's got two daughters on the USA volleyball team. And my kids? Well, they're just trying to figure out who their father is. Might be tough to do, too. I travel a lot, usually under various passports, different aliases. I'm not exactly trying to get tracked down, you know? Matter of fact, that's my favorite thing about the 23andMe test. It's still very expensive in the third world, and that's pretty much where I spent my 20s. I do like the third world. It's my favorite world in the whole fucking world, because when I'm in the third world, I'm rich. I'm not even talking about being wealthy, either. When I'm in the third world, I just go around as this white guy named Rich. That way, if Rich happens to get lucky and he has a third-world accidental baby, that's really Rich's problem and not mine. You guys have any idea how much it costs to raise a child in the third world? Because according to the commercials, it's less than a cup of coffee a day. Even still, I don't want to be that rich. So, I think that's my time. Thank you very much. Mike St. Hilaire. This is your first time on the show, right, Mike? Yes. Yes, it is. I would remember a Mike St. Hilaire. That's an interesting name. What is that? It's French. It's my real name. St. Hilaire was actually unofficially the patron saint of slow children. Wow. Look at you. There's a saint for that? He was the unofficial one. He's got to be the most disappointed saint of them all. Right? Just like, Oh, this is what I get? This guy in New York always calls me the patron saint of molestation. And he announces me when I do shows in New York. I always thought if St. Hilaire was both the patron saint of molestation and of slow children, he'd be the all-time priest favorite. Wait, what the fuck just happened? I'm not sure. Can I follow with that one? What have you done? I have. Mike. Nothing allegedly. How long have you been doing stand-up? 12 years. 12 years. Where at? Kind of all over. New York, but all over the world. I work in reality TV. I'm a TV producer. What do you do exactly for reality TV? I produce on a cop show right now. What's a cop show? Live PD? Yeah, you said it. I didn't. Okay. That's awesome. Yeah. You know Styx? I don't know him, no, because I'm out on location. So I ride around the back of a cop car all day doing everything my parents told me I'd be doing. Wow. Isn't that interesting? I've always found that show intriguing, because it's called Live PD, and I know how things work, so I know it's not live. But it's funny, because people that don't know how things work would think that it is live. So they think that they're, like, watching what's actually happening being live, but it's not live. But they don't need to know that. Right. Exactly. I didn't know that. I like to see it that way. I'm just watching cops play improv? What the fuck? It's disgusting. So, I mean, is it crazy to ask you, like, what are some things that have happened while you've been in the back of a cop car? Well, you know what I've got to do is I've got to get releases from the people they're arresting so that we can use their image legally on TV. So basically getting signatures from crackheads. Right. Pretty regularly. And that's tough. When they say no, you've got to blur it out if it's good. Right. But you could just tell them that if they don't sign it, they'll go to jail longer. Just lie to them. Oh, wow. Or. Or bring a little crack with you. Right. You know what I mean? You'd be a great producer. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Let's do it. Let's do it. Do you have a little budget? Do you have a little, like, you ever, like, bribe them? Like, here's 20 bucks? Allegedly. Of course. No, I'm trying to keep my job, although I don't think announcing it to everybody here is a helpful way to do it. Pretty sure I'm in direct violation of my contract. No, you're fine. You're fine. We'll change the subject. Last thing we want is fucking the PD coming in here and getting you. So, Mike, tell us, you do have kids, you said? No. No. All right. Hope not. How do you think you've gone this long without having kids? That is the best question I've heard all night. Jeez, just dumb luck, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't really want kids either, so there's that. You know. Perfect. It's intended. Perfect. What do you do for fun? You have any special hobbies? Are there any special skills or talents? Gamble. I like to gamble. Yeah? Gambling is my favorite thing. What do you gamble on? The biggest gamble I ever won happened in Nairobi, Kenya in 2000. Whoa. Yeah. I went to a casino. I lost $2,000 playing roulette. Walked out of the casino with two East African women. I don't know if you know what the aid situation was around the turn of the century in East Africa, but the fact that I'm alive today, it means I won that gamble. Wow. Wow. That's wild. That sentence was tough to get through for me, man. Tougher for me. You were struggling there. I felt you going, I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done this. You noticed. Yeah. Do you love doing stand-up? You love this? I love stand-up. It's my favorite. 12 years I've been doing it off and on. I had to take a little break, but yeah, this is, yeah, I would much rather do this than anything. I would say, I think you tried to cram a minute 30 into a minute. I think you went a little fast. I feel like you know that. So a little bit. I was a little nervous up here. Dude, I am too. I don't even have to do anything. Makes sense. Yeah, man. It's fine. You're going to be nervous. Just slow yourself down. You have to force yourself to kind of breathe into the nose, out through the mouth, slow yourself down a little bit in the beginning. It'll come off. The confidence will exude. When you took a break, why'd you take a break? My ex-girlfriend didn't really like me doing comedy, so. Whoa. Tell us about that. How long were you with her? We were together for like, yeah, six years. I moved back to Maine. I moved from New York back to Maine with her. She got you out of New York. You were there living your dreams, doing stand-up. How long had you been doing it until you took this break? Four years? I started in 2014, and then I moved in with her in 2019 up in Maine, and we lasted through the COVID thing. And then I was like, you know what? I want to go tell jokes. This guy wanted you to die. Fucking made it out. I can't believe it. Did you give her AIDS? Good question. There it is. Good question. Good question. So, very interesting. Why did you move to Maine for a girl? Well, I was doing a reality show. I grew up in Maine, and she happened to live in the town next to the town that I was doing a reality show. Dim Springs? No, it wasn't. Very interesting. Mike, if you could give us one crazy thing that's happened to you in your entire life that you think makes your life different. What would that thing be? You ever have a near-death experience, or save somebody's life, or see anything crazy, or like supposed to be in a building in 9-11 or something, or like anything like that? Anything just wild? Spent a lot of time in jail. Okay, let's go. Again, that was for work, though. I spent time in 28 different jails, and 25 of those were for work, so. Wow. Scared straight? Lock up. Oh. Wow. So. But, I mean, talk about an experience. I mean. It was crazy. I mean, no one ever fucked with me. Too bad. I mean, I didn't have to give my shoes to anybody, but. Yeah, it was cool. It was crazy interpersonal communication with people, you know? What was the craziest thing you saw in all your time in jail? I saw this lady. I mean, it's not funny. This lady just wrecked this chick with this other chick in Maricopa County, just slammed her head in a cell. It was pretty gnarly. Yeah, I don't know. Sorry, that's not funny. It's okay. It's okay, Mike. All right. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Thanks for signing up. Thank you. And it has begun. Our first fucking pull of the night. Mike St. Hilaire. Out there working the reality show business. All right. Oh, my God. There she is. Live in the flesh. The opposite of this guy. The beautiful Heidi. Isn't she something? Isn't she something? You know, it's funny how your priorities change. When you're young, you're like, oh, my God. When you're younger, you're worried about making rent or surviving a bad set. Then one day you realize if something actually happened to you, the people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess. It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one to have. That's why I like what Ethos is doing. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com slash kill Tony. You know, you can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and it's all 100% online. There's no medical exam. You just. Answer a few health questions online. Speaking of health questions, here's Brian Redman. Some people can even get same day coverage and some policies start as low as $30 a month. Ethos can also help you find the lowest rate from its network of trusted carriers. Wow. Take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash kill Tony. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash kill Tony. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. All right. Make some noise. It's your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Dave Litz. Dave Litz. Waka, waka, waka. Nanu, Nanu. How's everybody doing tonight? So she's alive. She survived for 10 years. Most people want their mother-in-law to die, but not me. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer for 10 years. I'm so excited. Yeah, absolutely. So she traded in stage four pancreatic cancer for type three diabetes. and was the second person to have robot laser surgery, have her pancreas cut out, and I'm the first person to make a joke about it. My mother-in-law cannot go into remission because she doesn't have an organ anymore, but she can get repossessed. That's right. They put a contract out where she has to be a content creator to promote the pump that keeps her alive. So every morning she has to do a thing to show how great she is staying alive so that she can keep getting the medicine to keep her alive. So if you could, please like, subscribe, and share to keep my mom alive. Thank you, guys. What the fuck? Oh, my God. Wow. If he came out with an accent, I'd be like, what happened to Ari Matty? Yeah. What happened to him? It is wild, right? I mean, there's a lot going on. There's a lot going on here. He does. He looks like if Ari Matty joined the Jackass crew and got his hair cut at Wonder Cuts in Dim Spring. This is incredible. That's the five-star review. Yeah. Okay, Dave Litz. How long? First of all, you said that your mother-in-law is the first person to have stage four pancreatic cancer and have laser surgery to have her pancreas removed and that you're going to be the first person to make a joke about it. What's the joke? I did it last time, Tony, but you didn't review my material. So, I actually said she has now triabetes, which is, you didn't go for it, man. It's fun. Last time I was on, you called me a gay Nazi and threatened to bite the gym out of my face. So, we're already doing better. I look like Ari Matty. Like, he's one of the regulars. So, wow. All right. This is incredible. Dave, how long have you been doing stage four? Like I said last time, Tony, I've been doing it for. Again, you don't have to reference last time. I don't remember it. Nobody remembers it. We do this every week. You just got to answer the questions. So, how long have you been doing stand-up? 30 years. There's no fucking way. Absolutely. There's no way. I did it in high school. Absolutely. I actually got kicked out of high school. And then I perform mostly in hospitals, nursing homes, and churches. So, yeah. Oh, my God. I perform constantly. You turn hospitals into hospitals. Actually, I've done hospice care for many, many years. And that's where I started doing stand-up. In hospices? No. Doing bedside comps. God, Tony. God, Tony. I'm so frustrated. Man, I'm so frustrated. It's incredible. No, I appreciate the questions, man. It's great. I mean, you have to. You have to appreciate it, Dave. Are you mad at us? Never. No. I'm so happy to be here. I feel like you're mad at me. No, it's been a rough week, man. Tell us about the week. Well, my friend, Michael Head, his episode aired last week. And he didn't get to see it. He actually died last Sunday. He did cocaine that had fentanyl in it. A guy that was on this show. Last week. With Yeye. That one that aired last week. Right. Was he always doing cocaine and fentanyl? I think he was celebrating. Getting up on the show. He was on the show, man. Dude, that's so fucked up for you to say that. Oh, dude. All week. Oh, my God. I've been over probably 15 mics this week. And every mic that I start out, I give homage to Mike Head. He's an amazing comic. He was super funny. He did a great job. Did a way better interview than I'll ever do. And, yeah. Well, we know that. I know. I miss him every day. Did you happen to perform at his bedside that night? No, but I am planning on performing at his funeral. Are you really? Yes, sir. I mean, don't you think those people have been through enough? No. I want to give it to him more, Tony. This is incredible. This is incredible. No, you're incredible. I love Tony. Tony's amazing. He's such a good guy. What, are you going to give me a big joke book? What's going on here, dude? Actually. You gave a big joke book to a blind girl and then said that you only did it so that she could feel it, thus giving no value to big joke book. So I like my small joke book. It's amazing. I don't even understand. I'm going to kill this fly. The ghost of Michael Goode is here. He's trying to distract me from the chaos of Dave Litz. Dave, what's something interesting about your life before I get you out of here? I just made it to number nine in the world on a one-wheel hoverboard. I'm ranked number nine on XR. What does that mean? We don't know what a one-world hoverboard is. One wheels? The one wheels? How do you rank? By miles. I just broke 19,857 miles. Whoa. Yeah. Here in Austin, I ride around the lake most of the time. And then who's tracking this? The app? It's on the app. It's good. It's good. Fuck yeah, dude. You're hoverboarding like crazy. We're going to get this fly with this electric tennis racket. Michael Gonzalez likes to leave the back door open while he brings all of his drums in slowly one by one. One of the least hardworking Mexican people you'll ever meet in your entire life, literally. It's actually true. We've been watching. I watched the security footage. I know you leave that back door open. You have to close the back door behind you from now on. It's worth mentioning on the biggest live podcast in the world. Always close the back door. Dave, what do you think is the worst thing about you? Because everybody seems to not like you. I think the worst thing about me is that my son died 10 years ago. Give it to me right there. Literally. How did your son die? He died in my arms while I was taking care of him. Oh my God. Well, that's where he died. How did he die? He had cerebral palsy, epilepsy and macral degeneration of the cornea. Now, normally a cornea injury and cerebral palsy isn't enough to kill somebody. What was the complication that he went through? They don't know. They don't know? Nah. Were you running your material by him when he was in your arms? This is one of the craziest interviews ever. This is one of the most morbid. My job is not easy, people. It's not easy. You could not do any better. I promise you that. None of you could. I was taking care of them 12 and a half hours a day, seven days a week. That was my job. Well, I mean, if you were doing that, then who was doing all the hoverboarding? I got my hoverboard after COVID, so I hadn't started yet. I had seen a hoverboard, they had just come out when Mac was alive. Was that your only child? Yes, sir. Okay. Well, that is an interesting thing. Okay. Did you perform at his funeral? I did. What did you say there? Did you do any jokes? Yeah, I did jokes about taking him to the skate park. So I used to. McCormick lived in a wheelchair, and so I built him a wheelchair that was remote controlled. I'd do 60 miles an hour. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. I have to stop you here. First of all. Why? Why? Why? Why in the world was this wheelchair not a hoverboard? Because they weren't out yet, Tony. I already said that. Okay, no, I get it. What made you turn it up to 60 miles per hour? So that we could drive on the highway. So we would sit in the back of the truck and run interference, and then my ex-fiancee had an over-the-road trucking company, so we could literally shut down the road. So I would be in the back of the truck steering. And McCormick would be falling behind us, just laughing, just laughing. How old was he during this? Of nine. So he. Hold on. Let me get this right, because this is unbelievable. I know. That's why we're talking about it on the number one podcast in the world. Hold on. Shut up, Dave. Just shut up. Only respond when I ask a question. Just hold on a second here, because I need to make sure that we're all on the same page. I need to make sure that I understand what you're saying. So you're telling me. You can take it online. Shut the fuck up. Okay. So you're telling me that you would shut down the freeway. You. No. Ride behind a truck that had an over-sized load. That was it, man. Got it. Got it, got it. That's what I meant. You were in a normal car. Normal truck. Normal. In the back of the truck. Like a pickup truck. Facing him. You're in the back of the truck. Yes. Okay. What part of America were you doing this in? Colorado. Okay. What could go wrong? There's no mountains or hills there for a wheelchair to fall off of. Anyway. Okay. So you're in Colorado. You're behind an over-sized load. The kid in the wheelchair is behind you. Right? Yeah. And you have him going 60 miles an hour. Well, not at first. You have to speed up. Right. Of course. But the max speed was 60. You'd get him up to 60 miles an hour in a wheelchair. Yes. While he's laughing at age nine. Yes. And you don't know how he died? No. You don't know how he died? No. No. You don't know? No. It wasn't a car accident. No, we know. Why would you do that to your child? I mean, was the medical bills like adding up and you were trying to get out quicker or something? So you could just be like, what the heck? I work for Ability360 and I work really hard to make sure that all disabled people are able to do whatever they want to do. I do the exact same thing with my golden ticket. So I don't know if you've seen it. Oh, we know this. Trust me. I know. All right, Dave. Thank you very much. You already have a little joke book, so there you go. There he goes. Dave Litz, everybody. Wow. Like I said, you never know what's going to happen here on Kill Tony. I mean, wow. That guy. You can't make that up. Yeah, you dig way further than I ever would dig. You go deep. And we almost never found out that he rigged his triple-handle handicapped nine-year-old child up to a 60-mile-an-hour wheelchair. Why? Well, of course. So that he could go on the freeway. Duh. Dumbass. Why else would you rig a wheelchair up to 60 miles an hour? He did what every decent parent would do. Okay. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Clearly anything can happen. Make some noise for Brian Cook. One minute uninterrupted for Brian Cook. Thank you. Thank you very much. This year, in 2026, I found this incredibly effective cure for depression. It's called money. I highly recommend it. It's changed my life. If you get the chance and you can get a hold of some, it's a complete game changer. I'm not kidding you. Now, I once had a neighbor who was a prison guard back when I went to college in Huntsville. And they have a joke amongst the guards that I really enjoy. And I'd like to share with you that if you are an inmate in Texas, and hopefully it doesn't come to that, there's three types of inmates, three groups. You got the ones that need to be in the funny farm and not in prison. You got the ones that need to be in rehab and not in prison. And then you got the ones that just need to take them out back and shoot them because they ain't never going to change. And if you want the proof of that, you will see it tonight when you exit the building and go out on the 6th Street because that's the hell in which we live here in Austin. Oh yeah, tell me about it. Well, I recently moved. I got that going for me. I didn't like the old complex. Can you believe that I did not like listening to MC Hammer at one in the fucking morning when I'm trying to sleep? I know it's unreal. But I could tell that that was the music they listened to before they got locked up and went to prison. So I guess we got to let them have that one. Hey, thank you. Okay, Brian Cook. Let's get right into it here. When you say they. Yeah. Just yes. Just yeah. I think that's the best answer. I mean, really? There were people listening to MC Hammer nowadays? That loud at 1 a.m.? That's what they're frozen in time, you know? And that's coming from me, who is also frozen in time. And they're further deep in the iceberg. It's not cool. Wow. Did you ever tell them to stop? No, I went the different direction. Should have. Next time. Amazing, Brian. So, what did they get in trouble for to where they had to go to prison? No, management is cool with that. They have no problem. There was one day that, like, the bass was bumping at 11 a.m. And I walked to the office. Like, we can hear this standing inside here. It's like, no, no, it's no problem. It's like, okay, I guess we got to go to plan B. Well, 11 a.m. Yep. I mean. Yeah, but should you be able to hear it 400 yards away? And you're awake with the cocaine and everything. You should know, you know, it's good for the goose. Goose is good for the gander. Brian, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? June was four full years. Four years. Yes. And where are you originally from? I grew up in Houston, but have lived here since I graduated college. Love it. What do you do for work? Well, that's my. I have the update for you, Tony Hinchcliffe. Well, I'm excited about this, Brian. It was October last year. You looked me in the eye and said, I was being too picky about my job search. Well, I'm glad to report back that being picky paid off because I found my favorite job ever. I'm an IRS-certified tax preparer, and who would have figured I would have fallen in love with the tax company? No, no, check this out. No, no, no. So let me give you the good news, people. If anyone's going to let me talk and explain. Listen to the musicians overpowering the room. Now, next floor is a building full. I don't know if you've met musicians before, but they do not like the IRS at all. I know. But I can explain this in like three sentences. That was wild. That was wild to build it up like that. So much. Like, I actually found my dream job. Pedophile, guys. That's great. There's a building full of comedians next door waiting to get on this show, and I helped six of them do their taxes last year. We had a bunch lined up for this year. I'm helping them clear up that dumpster fire of a person. Like, I don't want them doing better either. The IRS. I'm just trying to help. You must be saving them dozens. I can't imagine. It's a good question that the six people that you're helping have a lot of income. It's more the crazy stuff in their past and clearing that up. That's the challenge. Ah, yeah. It's unfucking that nonsense. There's probably a better way to say that. Yeah. So you're making money doing that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Enjoying it. Just actually enjoying it. Enjoying going to work. Wow. You like it. Yeah. What time do you start work? Like, 9. 9 a.m. So why is the guy's music bothering you at 11 a.m.? Because it's not tax season, and I'm at home. I'm furloughed. So I'm home to hear the MC Hammer all fucking day. Wow. What's really MC Hammer? Really, that's the. I'm hung up on that because it's. I don't know. Drake or something more modern, I guess I'd get, but wow, they really reached back for that one. Oh, I see what's going on here. It's rap music, and you call that MC Hammer. Oh, my God. This is like finding out they rigged the wheelchair to 60 miles per hour. Holy shit. There's a lot of MC Hammers out here today. Yep. I had to cross the street the other day. I had one of those MC Hammers walking right at me. Holy shit. Brian, how old are you? Oh, turn 49 next week. 49? You don't look a day over 72. That's incredible. Amazing. Wow, look at you. You are adorable. You are the French bulldog of human beings. I mean, it is just incredible. You look puggish. Has anyone told you that before? Yeah. You have a sweet little round head to you. I think you're a sweet guy, man. I think you have a good heart in you, dude. Yeah. I'm trying my best. Whether you believe it or not, I am. I will say, I think you say too much sometimes. Yep. And not in a way like being mean. I just mean like even your drug structure. You know how it works. You know there's like a rule of three. You did three things. But a lot of it like you didn't need. Like, oh, my friend worked at this prison. If you have never been to prison, all you say is you need three rules in prison. Just start the joke. Just go into it. Can I keep it real with you? Yeah. I got number two and number three mixed up. That was an adjustment. We were all thinking that, I think. Yeah. And that's why I brought that up. I was like, I don't think number two is supposed to be that soon. Yeah, that's exactly what happened, yes. You know what, man? Let's just have him do it again. Brian, what's your love life like? I want to know if there's fucking. On the advice of my therapist, we now got the dumpster fire personal life's under control. We're gainfully employed. We live in a good. We live in a good apartment. Like, now we're ready to date. Now I think I can do it effectively. We can be wholesome. Let's go out for ice cream. It doesn't have to be. Hold on a second, dude. Are you on Adderall? No, no. I'm just excited to be here. I love it. I love it. So are you seeing somebody? I got no answer out of that. No, I'm looking. Not well, but I am. What's the first thing you look for in a lady? Like, what do you notice right away? Really? Don't think. Answer. One, two, three, go. Honestly, another comedian. Because they'd be sympathetic to the. To the lifestyle and the craziness, you know? Come on, think, ditz. Yeah. Let's go physical. What's a physical feature you notice about a lady? Yeah, what do you look for in a woman? Kind of dark hair, the. MC Hammer-ish a little bit? No, not that. Brunette. There we go. No, not that. Wow. Brian, when's the last time you were with a woman? 2024. Okay. I thought you were going to say 20 years ago. No, no, no. We had rehab and therapy in between, and that's why. What happened with rehab? What were you. What did you go to rehab? I'm telling you that. You know, I got that kill Tony Bounce from the big joke book. Is everybody doing fentanyl after getting pulled out of a bucket now? Is this what I'm finding out here tonight? What the fuck is going on, people? No, it was just coming off the street, being a nobody, and then you get. Oh, you did so great. It got out of control for like a year. Is your temple always this fast? Oh, yeah, a thousand miles an hour. Okay, hold on. Let's let him answer the question, Red Band. So, what did you go to rehab for? In order, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamine, Adderall, LSD, and something. There was more. There was more. Why do people that do cocaine and meth mention marijuana and alcohol? Because that's not on the thing. I love that they all do that. Not the way I did it. The way I did it, because it's like, you go and you got to do your errands during the day, and you come back to the rehab clear, and they drug test you when you get back. And I'm trying to get better, so we're doing the drug test. It took eight weeks for me to piss clean for weed. And that's from all the dabs and the gummies and all the bullshit. - Yeah, it builds up in your system. oh yeah well yeah when you're up 24 hours a day because of the meth there's a lot of time to do marijuana things tons freeze it up so let's mostly talk about the meth here um uh what the fuck was that deez was that you oh okay sometimes deez accidentally hits a sound effect key what was that deez okay all right it makes sense i don't think they heard that we just heard it like it was some guy right over here that made sense so take us through a wild day or night or a paranoid uh part of meth we've all seen breaking bad that's as close as most of us have come to meth an easy way to put it is the first 72 hours are a lot of fun the any any time after that it's like at five days your body shuts down so the days four and five are just a giant question but give us an example like what did you do what's something you accomplished so one of the things i used to do is i would need to get some air right what does get some air mean it means take the pre-dawn bus to walmart wait until 6 a.m for the doors to open and then walk around the store like a maniac comparison shopping appliances oh that's a good price on cookies just being an idiot in public not really anything dangerous but that that's not quite the exciting answer we were looking for you never did anything kind of crazy on meth you ever do a lot of taxes in one day or anything no that that's part of you know coming coming back to regular life is that's what that's why we love the tax code oh no we don't we don't love come on guys yes come on you might have one of the most boring meth habits i've ever heard of in my life downplay that's incredible but i mean why would you downplay on a big i'm embarrassed about it i'm not nicky six bragging about it in the old days whoa nicky six don't mc hammer yourself right now don't go to the don't dig to the 80s for your references bro all right brian here's a little joke book we'll do better next time there he goes brian cook don't overdose because of this performance don't relapse tonight's sponsor is merryweather farms natural beef sticks i love beef sticks of course you do red band you look like your blood type is gas station teriyaki go ahead red band home these aren't gas station beef sticks they're made with real american beef raised without antibiotics or added hormones i wish i could say that that's right we are artificial but this is real american beef not some imported mystery tube made from retired circus animals on the floor of a bus station they're savory packed with nine grams of protein and easy to take anywhere work the gym your truck or brian's bedroom where every snack becomes a cry for help oh man they taste incredible they sure do and let me tell you unlike most things brian puts in his mouth you can proudly tell your family about these so go to merryweatherfarms.com right now and use the code word kill tony to get 20 off your first order of beef sticks that's m-e-r-i-w-e-t-h-e-r farms.com that's right merryweather farms natural beef sticks real american beef bold for you flavor and enough protein to help you survive another open mic or one conversation with red band you son of a bitch i'm ordering some right now that's right good job red band maybe chewing will finally keep you quiet that's merryweatherfarms.com and code kill tony for 20 off your first order no doubt about it again merryweatherfarms.com and code kill tony for 20 off your first order i'll tell you we pulled a very special name out of this bucket this is one of the hardest working kill tony backbone employees and fucking i spend uh five days a week with this young lady she got her job here on kill tony her full-time job with us out of the bucket she's great we love her make some noise this is a brand new minute from the great sarah sloan everybody hey guys i recently discovered the most effective form of birth control okay i got a true story for you guys this is crazy in the fourth grade i had this insane belief that my hair only looked good when it was completely soaking wet with water so in between classes i would sprint to the bathroom sink and i would start cupping the water and putting it all over my head as quickly as possible everybody thought that i was a weirdo and i had no friends at the time but i will say this the mexican boys loved me and i always wondered why but if i had to guess it might have been because i had that wet back it might have been because i had that wet back where my mexicans at okay i want to finish on this i want to finish on this people always like to ask me sarah why did you get into stand-up comedy and the reality is this i realized pretty quickly on that stand-up comedy was the only art form that i was capable of doing that would force men to look at me thank you thank you wow sarah motherfucking sloan i gotta tell you this is one of those moments where i get to talk about my favorite part of this show and that is when people come back on and they're so much funnier than they were the last time and the last time they were funnier than they were before that and before that maybe it's because i know you but i don't think it is i was listening to the room and even on your setup of wetting your hair i was cracking up because it feels so authentic it feels like something you can't just write at a coffee shop it feels like that's genuine to you i feel like everybody has their own version of a weird quirk like that like thought that looked cool in grade school or whatever so even during your setups you were getting big laughs from me and it's just incredible to watch you fucking crush up here tonight probably the set of the night so far tonight let's check in with the great jeff hart curry great job oh thank you so funny it goes to show because that like joke was so simple in the beginning the first thing i said to tony i was like that's so simple but you made it you by just making the punchline funny it's just a word written out it's not that funny but you're going it's a me it's so adorable and that joke was within five seconds that's what you need to do here and that's that you did that it's such a great job and it was personal so no one can take it from you and it was real and then it was racist right at the end there yeah but she did it silly it's okay get it tony get it i think i had it oh i almost had it is it not charged oh it's not on oh shit and now it's on wow oh that thing's gonna fucking die next time it comes around did you guys i probably shouldn't hold it that close to the microphone i love watching you guys do what you're like well that's because it's a it's electric take it easy over there one good set he's ready to go do fentanyl tonight jesus christ rest in peace michael god we're making jokes that's what he would have wanted i'm like secretly michael hyatt i'm just like oh it was him all along when did you stop doing the hair thing do you remember like why did you stop or how no it really was the cool girls in school in the bathroom and they were just all kind of like it was literally like a tv show they were just like what are you doing right and i was just like it this is how my hair looks good right and they were like oh my gosh and i just kind of like sat there and realized i am a freak in the worst way possible so i just i had to stop i had to stop you could you guys have any of those things that you did oh totally remember oh oh i did it all i mean i had the remember when i mean i don't know how old are you 38 okay i'm 42 so uh when i was in grade school yeah i'm by the way i'm seven years younger than brian cook who was up here a second ago so i'm basically the best looking man in the world and no i'm kidding anyway there was a period of time where you would uh get the bowl cut but you would you would bleach blonde the bowl cut and leave the brown roots down here basically you could only go to wonder cuts for a job like that we're all just looking trying to look like justin taylor thomas yeah jtt yes it was i wore uh i wore cologne oh yeah i had like so much cologne yeah three days in a row i'm like this smells so good i should just keep putting it on and then i had to get taken out of school they called my mom they're like he can't wear cologne i was distracting all the bitches yeah it's so funny i did that as like a grown-up i remember uh i uh this was like i think i was like 23 or 24 and it was my first ever job uh effort like an actual like comedy central writing job and they're like guys all the big agents and managers are coming in and i'm like oh i'm about to get signed on the spot today and i did that i wore too much cologne it's a shame i'm literally 10 years older than you were in your story and uh and i did it in the in the main main main main main agent who i can probably say is now my agent and we laugh about it literally about 20 years later but the main main agent who at the time they're like yeah this is fucking zach alifanakis's agent this is the guy i mean the head of comedy at caa walks into this big boardroom and goes jesus christ what the fuck is that smell oh god no hell yeah dude oh crazy we laugh about it now but uh he didn't forget let's put it that way he's like that was you you were the writer that stunk i i was i thought luke perry was the coolest shit in the world in like uh all right you win and then you know uh the guy uh that's the end of the story so i had really big hair at the front like uh what's it called oh we need pictures of that yeah i had that and everyone called me poof and i thought that was a cool name but you look back at it now you literally just had like hair up to here for no reason so dumb that's a slur in england yeah yeah real poof shout out that slur what the fuck yeah sarah sloan i mean is there anything else we need to cover you just fucking absolutely ripped it up here it could not have gone any better you have immersed yourself a little fun fact about sarah that's different i can say than any comedian in the world is that um she makes my schedule for me sometimes i add things to my own schedule but throughout the day everything that's put in my phone on my schedule is done by the great sarah sloan so no wait no that's not the point shut up but what's funny is i don't even know if you know this but she also accidentally puts all of her things into my schedule as well i don't know if i've ever told you this and so i literally know how hard you've been working you're like i don't know i'll look at my schedule and there's like everything that makes sense 3 p.m this 4 p.m that 5 p.m this a little rest area and then my normal like there's nothing normally at night because i have my own i know my nighttime schedule but what's funny is it'll be like 7 30 narbar uh 8 45 sunset strip comedy club 9 15 and uh creek in the cave so i literally see you hustling and then you get to actually feel it in this appearance you're like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god it's so awesome it's my favorite thing in the world to see you kill in this part of life as well and during the daytime you're literally as you know one of my favorite human beings on planet earth so to get to sit back and be a fan is awesome the flies bother you want to take a powerful swat probably a horse fly oh yeah because because she doesn't joke i didn't just call a woman a horse she does a horse impression okay some people didn't know that you want to give us one horse one horse for the rest of the day dang it i man okay sorry unbelievable yeah there it's long thank you guys so much on to the next one we go before we get to the bucket i have a special treat for all of you and we also have momentum right now which is exciting so we'll see how this goes i had a golden ticket winner earlier i don't even actually think he is a golden ticket winner i just think he's uh what we call a uh a growing scumbag favorite of the show um you've seen him many times before he's a special treat always talk about a person much like sarah that we've seen grow in front of our very eyes we'll see how this minute goes this is uh one of the real freaks everybody you know it's the one and only uncle laser everybody hey yeah give it up for that horse lady that was real good and listen that that older fella he ain't never done math that's not how you do math i went for a walk not and that's not a thing that's not a thing hey listen here hey i'm back in austin back in texas i was in canada and boy that's a third world country now ain't it i don't know how to do math i don't know how to do math i don't know how to do math i don't know what's gonna get me first like bear or the winner or islam because god damn they're everywhere what the fuck dude i went to calgary it's like rodeo season like and they got like indians dressed up as cowboys like not cowboys and indians that's not what i said okay like you ever seen a turban under a cowboy hat it's fucking wild homie yeah and the mass immigration and then like and then hey i know something i don't know what's going on but i'm gonna do it austin's liberal city you know and like did y'all get the vaccine stupid fucking stupid he lied about his tie he goes i plead to fit to his cover of his tie hey man i don't know if i don't know if cove is real okay i don't know if cove is real okay and but during covid like didn't we all just start eating ass oh oh we got work we got work from home and we can't taste or smell come on mother father hey anybody here eat ass you eat ass boy you've been eating that since swine flu shut the fuck up yeah look i don't know if cove is real but let me tell you something let me show you something look when you get down there to eat some ass right this here's a butthole all right it's enlarged for scale you know and look you get down there they're gonna be like sprinkles on cupcake right those are toilet paper balls okay charming pine cones and listen i don't know if cove is real and if you got a vaccine you're a fucking retard but i tell you what you put your fucking tongue on them toilet paper balls now you got strep throat my name is uncle ledger y'all been great wow wow wow that boy ain't never done math take a walk what is that i put fucking aluminum floor on my windows and don't look outside for three days take a walk that fucking lion is the is that word your new getter done or something you found a little trademark out there sorry dude youtube has limitations we're gonna have to bleep some of those yeah i mean i come with a warning you what i can't read what's going on how are you tony i'm asking you how are you laser nah i mean you know what's going on just throwing bad dick at even worse people trying to make it stick you know i fucked a porn star that night okay let's talk about that everybody had cool stories and shit about doing math but i don't want to do this uh uh and look like i've been jacking off to this woman since i was like 13 it's like a milf porn story i've been jacking off to this woman since i was like 13 it's like a milf porn story i've been sorry like i gave what's her name i can't do yes you can she's a fucking porn star i can't listen she's my friend she's my friend and look we're both drunk oh god it was a lexus phone right okay and look i i my my family computer got six diseases from limewire went through six family computers and like windows 98 never stood a damn chance you know i'm talking about and look and look and look i know everything she like it and like one night we're drunk and she's like you'll come back to my hotel and i said yes and and she's like we're getting ready to fuck and like and i get in the bathroom i splash water my face like welcome to the show you know and i'm throwing a kitchen sink at her and i'm not making a dent not making a dent and when you mean kitchen sink you mean your penis yeah it looked like i've been doing so much cocaine look like a belly button you know and i mean it's like a wheelbarrow it's like a wheelbarrow with rope handles i'm like where do i put it i'm like i'm pushing you know hey and i'm in there and i'm just like fuck you know and i just fake cum because i'm like i'm tired you know hey and i roll over and swear to god my mom you know my mom bloody right yeah and look my mom she fucked all in metallica okay she's built she's built for tough okay she had a landing strip when she gave birth to me that's why i got the haircut you know and look and she calls me she calls me like on my way home and i left in the morning and she goes what's wrong you know we're talking about finances because my granddad just died and she's like what's wrong i said well i fucked this porn star she's like how was it i go it was mid i did and she's like and without skipping a beat my mom goes well baby it was her day off that is true yep never fuck your heroes i guess yeah right yeah i've seen your penis on the internet it was yeah well sex on the internet before well don't do that it's not exactly a kitchen sink is it no that's a half bath sink right there -What's the stake in my food? -No, I -- When it came out, I was like, out on the twitter i was like whose dick is that that's not my dick you know like whose baby dick is that it's fine right yeah i just don't know if you would call it a kitchen sink exactly bathroom sink bird bath i mean there's a lot of there's a lot of small faucet smaller receptacles yeah yeah it's something you would put a beta fish in perhaps whoa like a koi fish no not a koi fish that's a whole different thing you're no that would be the opposite a tiny tank a small receptacle remember a little huggy no uh okay uncle laser are you gaining weight the world wants to know red band actually asked me the guy that's gaining weight asked me if i'm gaining weight no come on i'm training for a fight i'm sober right now you're literally not sober i'm not i'm not you can all tell you're not sober you i've been watching a lot of uh youtube dui videos lately i love watching people everybody lies on them it's not even live though it's pre-taught it is true uh laser fun times you did it again fun set you did it thank you uncle laser ladies and gentlemen hello there kill tony is sponsored by blue chew when the bedroom goes quiet men develop useless hobbies like golf pickleball playing with empty couplets could be anything but the only thing worth searching for in those pants is the boner the best hobby is christening every surface in the house the kitchen table ottoman or washing machine mid-cycle blue chew makes it better their arousal boosting formula doesn't just deliver results it gets both heads locked in to handle business blue chew's mission is getting the country rock hard leaving partners satisfied and taking woodwork to a whole nother level red band tell the people how blue chew helps you turn a soft premise into a strong finish well i'm glad you asked there's a reason blue chew is the number one brand for better sex experience it yourself at bluechew.com and build a legacy a third legacy if you know what i mean and we've got a special deal for our boner ready listeners right now when you buy two months of blue chew gold you get the third month free with promo code tony that's promo code tony you will also receive an additional 10 off plus free overnight shipping on your first order visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluechew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom all right ladies and gentlemen we're back to the bucket we go make some noise for johnny tidgis i do believe the name is hey i'm johnny tiggis my first time doing stand-up i i thought it was pretty cool when abraham lincoln freed the slaves but i thought it would be cooler if you wanted a gay sex-filled bender instead and then gave the emancipation proclamation and it went a little something like four whores and seven queers ago i came forth on this gray nation and last night i came forth in three men speaking of slavery june teeth wasn't uh that far back at this point but what i can say is i hadn't been with a black girl before and uh i didn't really want to um but i still have standards obviously so i thought at the the very least i could get with a section eight out of ten you know um gay people and obese people have a lot more in common than you think you know it's uh they're both go ahead i want to hear the end of this they both have huge assholes or something what were you going to say there well yes they are assholes but um no what i was going to say is that you know they're both a little bit more on the feminine side um you know usually the first person to judge when they walk into a room uh-huh um but i will say the only real difference is that uh obese people already look like they have somebody in them gay people actually have somebody in got it got it got it okay johnny's first time everybody welcome johnny there he is thank you thank you welcome johnny how old are you i'm uh 22. 22 years old that's an age to start there you are what have you been doing up until this point uh a lot of different things uh spent most of my life growing up in the service industry my family does weddings back in virginia so i started working when i was like 11 years old i think uh-huh um from there a lot of service industry more serving tables did door-to-door sales and now in austin i do uh tech sales okay very interesting and uh how about with your normal life what do you do for fun you seem like the kind of guy you like to parkour or something i fuck fuck no no uh not my kind of obstacle i i like a lot of golf i obviously like comedy i watch a lot of kill tony um my free time i like to hit the bars out here in austin love a good time i like the betty a lot what do you do at the bars what do you what do you explain to us what a guy like you does at the bar because i just picture you sitting there kind of being creepy you know believe it or not i have friends so like usually go with the friends try to pull chicks relatively successful sometimes really believe it or not yeah sometimes uh the girls like the skinny guy the small penis and the long hair oh john diesel sound effects while red band's going pp look at that very you seem like such a sweet boy that's trying to be such a bad boy i know you have the key you want to find out you look like the girl that looks like jim carrey you know what i mean yeah there is that community not even him yeah he looks like the girl that looks like yeah you got it you have very sweet you have like i would say can i give you a couple tips absolutely i would say you got to move the mic stand you can see the cords taught underneath it it's limited in your space but also get rid of any barriers and then also get look keep your shoulders up head up okay looking down for the punch lines makes them think you don't you're not confident in your punch lines when you have to be up and out like do try doing it that way and you'll get a big bigger response on those thank you yeah it's awesome no problem i love you yeah absolutely it is great advice you were looking way down for the first time not bad though uh you remembered your stuff you knew what you kind of wanted to get to i agree that you seem like you're trying to be like naughty up here let's find out some authentic things that are funny about you like what's a normal just day without trying to be funny take us through your actual life because it seems like even when i ask you a question you're like yeah just like going to bars picking up chicks like no one really believes that that is that is fair that is totally tell us some vulnerable things about you like let's get to it you want to get into the family so i got five older siblings i'm the youngest of six okay i don't know if there's anything there no there's anything there it's fly oh my god it's like it knows it's like it knows my range oh so close keep going we're trying to kill a fly buddy i'm giving you a lot of time you kill that fly the youngest of six you can keep going what do you do so what time do you wake up um usually like a 6 45 7 a.m what exactly do you do take us through your day oh dude right now i mean like i'm in tech sales so like you wake up don't really want to go to work procrastinate a little bit getting out of bed then pretty much just go straight to work and then get right into it start cold calling that's pretty much the day-to-day you just said nothing yeah i asked you what you do you said well i don't want to go to work and then i go to work what like but like what what's the first thing you do when you get out of bed go take a shower okay tell us about that what do you do in the shower yeah tell us right now i'm in the process of moving so i just moved over to a hole in east austin and uh i thought it wasn't what do you have in your shower are you one of those 10 and one wash body wash guys no no i usually go like lately i've been using uh some dr squash for the body soap loofah loofah no loofah no i know i'm a dog i'm a washcloth guy i know wow how often do you uh interchange your washcloth that is a completely fair question not as much as i should probably every three weeks two and a half weeks see look at you now one second you're going what is tony doing with these questions and the next you're going i'm so entertained three weeks is nuts sir i'm sorry how many different washcloths do you have one oh my god can you believe this ladies and gentlemen that is the craziest dancer i've ever imagined in my entire life that's like three months i bet you're 22 buddy you're doing fine thank you i thought three weeks was good you're fine dude i didn't know you were supposed to wash towels till i was like 30. i thought it was cleaning yeah i'm clean how often do you wash your sheets how often do i wash sheets what's a good answer to that guys my wife watches our sheets i would say once a week yeah yeah or else she gets it no okay that's every two weeks i don't know i've been here too long okay johnny you have wacky parents or anything is there anything about you at all oh yeah yeah my parents are very wacky my dad's super super super conservative uh do you want to hear like tell us about that yeah yeah i'll definitely tell you about that so i'm from northern virginia so uh there's this big deal back during covid um essentially this girl got raped by a trans guy in the bathroom at one of our local public schools right and then the person that raped her got transferred to another school in the same district talk about a solution you know um and then essentially uh imagine parents were actually pissed believe it or not um so there was a big school board meeting and um in the middle of it they declared it a legal trespassing and um my dad his plumber was there we go yeah his dad or uh my dad and his plumber who was the daughter of the first girl that got raped okay we're like we're not fucking leaving okay yeah and uh they both got arrested and made like national news they got driven around the block in a paddy wagon and then just pretty much dropped off nothing really happened except for the charge and everything you know getting arrested so it took him like three and a half years to get pardoned and uh your dad yeah so he went on he got pardoned he got hard and finally by the president pardoned no no i wish but no he um he's gonna take the win i guess yeah we just say we can get in virginia you know imagine he tells me he tells his son i got pardoned son and his son's like yeah but from who no it was uh i think his name's greg abbott or some shit governor of virginia that makes sense he has a wheelchair that goes 60 miles an hour here's a medium-sized joke book since it was your first time there goes johnny everybody all right let's keep it moving along here um uh back to the bucket we go one more time is he ready we're good for him you know what let's get a regular up here ladies and gentlemen you know this guy you love him this is a brand new minute plus from the former dark storm of atlanta georgia and now the dark storm of austin texas make some fucking noise for the one and only dedrick flynn everybody yeah do y'all remember when uh science was sexy like do y'all remember like the sexiest thing you could be was like an astronaut or y'all remember when like when like y'all remember when like bill not was getting the most pussy in america like even your girl now like so you with your girl and bill not show up you like get that nigga some pussy he taught me about beakers and in geometry that nigga really helped me out science used to be sexy and then we all got our feelings hurt because we spent all this money to go to the moon only to find out the moon wasn't made out of cheese right because that oh i'm the only nigga that thought that the moon was made out of g so sir your your grandpa didn't come to you and he was like the moon's made out of cheese and every night god take a little nibble out of the moon and that's why i go from waxing the crescent to new moon right so i was the only nigga that if we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese then why we put a flag in it all right why we put a flag in it if we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese if we didn't think the moon was made out of cheese then why we send three white guys up there three white guys love cheese you don't even gotta know each other you just put some cheese together with you these three white guys put cheese y'all niggas best friends the only people who like cheese more than three white guys is three white women but we weren't sending them up there like you know i don't even know if they can drive then like you know i'm saying i don't i don't i don't know what the laws was i wasn't born but i we couldn't send them up there then we sent buzz aldrich that nigga got off the plane and he licked the rock he was like right and now we don't give a fuck about the moon right we don't give a fuck about going to space like we go on to mars don't nobody give a fuck we like nigga i ain't never seen red cheese you know what i'm saying like that shit was because we wanted to go mine the moon right could you picture we had found cheese on the moon nigga we would have been stealing every planet moon like nigga we would have took all eight moons on saturn nigga i learned that from bill nye ah that's my time i love y'all boom dead drip flame ladies and gentlemen i love you two and a half minutes all you on moon cheese everybody yeah that's how it's done you gotta get that space charcuterie tony oh my goodness first of all i'm lactose intolerant so you wouldn't know you ain't never had moon cheese that's true uh-huh that moon the texture alone it is incredible yeah there's a lot there deadrick you did it the sexy scientist stuff the beaker stuff and then straight into moon cheese how's life been going good man just touring i just did some sold out shows in tampa florida nice prepping for this special coming out and prepping for going to madison square garden having a fucking time of my life i've i've i'm in the groove right now i love it tampa's a crazy place huh did you have fun out there oh yeah i've been going that it was crazy because like that was the first time i ever headlined there but i've been going there for like 11 years so like just getting to see all the people who've already been there because they've been going for like 33 years and they have some of the same staff every time you come so like they were like we've been waiting and i got my uh headshot put up you know for it being one of my home clubs and me doing like over like 20 shows over there but this is the first time i ever headlined and selling out so it was like it's a big dream come true that's sick i love it i love it i love it did i see you're in a music video or something like that yeah i've been in a lot of music videos pretty sure i saw you in some of mc hammer's recent work a lot of those are like oh it was like if my friends were in bands and stuff and then that was a band that i used to be a drummer in but then i was like started doing comedy full time and touring on that so you can't be like in a band and do that wait you're a drummer why haven't you done a mexican drum because i couldn't win you play the drums yeah we didn't know this yeah well because i i i i was homeless so like i ain't been able to practice you know i'm saying you can't get a drum sitting there hey mike can you just have my side for like two seconds like you could you could have been like nah he ain't ready he can't just let me i just got out of jail i got back let me fucking get let me get my rolls i got my i got my drum set up in my apartment how about like in a month we can practice together then we can do it and we'll do it on kill total we have a mexican drum off i'm texan now so that means i'm part mexican i love it absolutely uh dedrick you are amazing you are a breath of fresh air always so fun to watch you grow and expand the length of your set here live on kill tony yeah i love y'all thank y'all so much hey y'all let's go to msg let's go into vegas new year's eve watch the playback of msg episodes available right now kill tony live.com um okay back to the bucket we go this looks like a fun name to me make some noise ladies and gentlemen for ray ray here we go kill tony austin texas look at all these beautiful white people in here it is safe for me to assume that some of you are vegetarians it's all right you know vegetarians got their own language you know tofurkey this impossible meat that faking i don't understand if vegetables taste so good then why you keep trying to make things if vegetables taste so good why you keep trying to make things plant-based you know what i mean but listen i get it i digress all right if we call that vegetarians then why don't we call jeffrey dahmer a humanitarian it's just food for thought it's just food for thought okay but now white people are amazing dog owners you know i mean y'all be like reading the ingredients on dog food and shit y'all be taking y'all dogs to the vet damn if you see a black person at a vet i'm telling you right now he's a drug dealer you know what else is good with dogs like homeless people homeless people are amazing with dogs you see him on the side of the road they're like you know what i will do anything for food and i'm just like well there you go ray ray did all your time there i actually like that joke of all the homeless dog jokes there thank you um that was funny that's the funniest one i think i've ever heard and i see homeless people with dogs a lot i've seen black men homeless black men with a white woman and a dog right a lot right it's a thing happening here in austin i can admit i'm always on the defense of austin there's not a lot of homeless people i've been doing some driving lately yeah i would say right the homeless here are a little more like tasmanian devilish than everywhere like there's no shoes and they're like you know i mean yeah they spin a lot you guys have from fucking dancing homeless out here it's wild got him i got his ass you got it where'd the corpse go is it in your corpse the cancer guy just ate it but i got that motherfucker oh he dead he dead okay that was funny man the first joke was funny too i liked it it's just that there was some stumbling in there there was yeah he was talking about moon cheese right it was the last guy yo don't you look at me mc hammer all right let's talk about it ray ray how long you been doing stand-up uh since 2021 2021 there you go about five years where at what part of atlanta um part of atlanta no i'm kidding where are you from houston no i'm from california but i started out in manhattan and then went to vegas oh sweet yeah awesome how long have you been in austin i moved here mother's day oh nice look at that how come how come not father's day not that close with your father what is that they have a they have a date yeah it's halloween because he ghosted y'all facts oh you red band where's your sound effect for killing go back up it's uh it's up here i know where it is there we go wow red band we have pure momentum red band's killing the fly is dead wow we are cooking up here right my goodness i'm so proud of you poof oh my goodness so ray ray what do you do for work uh work at a restaurant okay west lake country club shouts to the west lake oh hell yeah i love it that's a fancy country club yeah it's pretty fancy what exactly do you do there nothing really wow perfect well you know i uh do prep and wash dishes and shit like that nice think of jokes well hell yeah that's a good gig that's a great gig daytime right yeah yeah that's great yep for a comedian that's exactly what you need is a good fucking well-paying day job seriously yeah that's it a lot of guys out there sleeping in their cars shouts to them yeah and you have your own little studio apartment oh yes little own studio apartment that's exactly yeah that's all i need in this economy the strongest economy in the world that's good seriously uh thanks i love it and um what do you have in your shower room i've been asking people this today some people use a 10-in-1 some people have a loofah some people have a washcloth some people go straight soap what's your setup um you know just whatever they can get as a dollar store you know what i'm saying but what do you have right now if we were to truly take a reality show crew to your place and storm the gates and not let you go in the bathroom first what exactly would we find in your shower right now black eyes don't use a bonnet a bonnet really no okay some fried chicken bones okay watermelon rinds wow wow this is my entire this is my somebody else's id wow oh ray ray you cray cray hey i'll take it wow amazing you're not gonna give me a real answer about what's in your shower honestly uh really i'm i'm pretty simple it's just just like some body wash okay and a little wash right how about your fridge craziest thing we'd find in your fridge if we looked right now true answer don't be silly now okay honestly uh true answer would be my rotten fucking ribeye steak you have a rotten ribeye yeah the fucking electricity went off for two days the other oh damn that's so it's rotten ribeye steak in there damn i should probably take it out damn amazing ray ray what's your love life like um it's like uh i'm in the male loneliness epidemic right now it's real is that you're a good looking guy i like money okay so with no girl you have more money right got it or you can make more money to offset the girl it's not that easy it's not that easy senior lonely correspondent it's not that easy have you thought about finding a girl that makes money like that's easy to do good idea nah i'm all right all right so you gay no i just don't you do that no don't you call ray ray gay gay seriously yeah the only thing ray gay is like music you know hello that's what i'm saying so ray when's the last time you were with a woman oh shit um probably just a couple weeks ago actually okay where'd you meet her at how does a night like that happen take us through it i met her on uh facebook uh dating okay she wanted to go kayaking like all the other white girls oh my goodness and you you agreed to that fuck no right no hell no you're like why don't we hang out at the dock we'll hang yeah whoops seriously i can fucking i can barbecue there okay so what'd you guys end up doing she wanted to go kayaking we know that you're not into that no she uh we went to the bar we're hanging out things are good we're making out we go back to my house and making out more yes she ended up going to the bar and she was like i'm gonna go to the bar i'm gonna go to the bar going down on me oh and then she had a seizure oh my god well how did that feel well i'm telling you she bite down on it it felt amazing but i mean yeah she had she had a seizure it turns out she had a nut allergy you're joking that's a joke ray ray ray ray are you that's ray ray that is so it is ray ray ray ray yes sir don't we do this every day day i work them long nights long nights to get a payday finally got shade now i need shade finally got paid now i need shade in a vacay all these haters hating so much hate i need an ak did you know bars mc hammer i'm a big mc hammer fan bars so none of that was real she didn't have a seizure no she did not have a seizure at all i was just kidding no things were great it was okay wow there we went a long way there yeah we started at least the fly is dead um ray ray what what type of woman are you into can you describe the thick white woman that you're uh that you're um respect respectful uh physically physical like what what's your you in the latinas asian girl yeah i like latinas but what's your i just said that as an example like what's your main pick it's basically like what do you have you don't have a favorite um not necessarily to be honest like you know there's so many beautiful women in so many different textures i've been to denmark and fucking yeah well good news you just pissed off all the black women watching yeah well yeah all four black women that are fans of this show just for you guys i'm not gonna lie to you i'm not gonna lie to you turned it off they don't want me i'm a fucking dishwasher bro right you know black woman you just won them back there you go all right ray ray uh fun times um here is a uh a big joke book oh thanks there you go ray ray thank you guys so much i don't even remember the set to be honest with you i'm just giving him a big joke book in case he ever sees me on the streets thank you ray ray hell yeah one more time for ray ray back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen we're flying through it tonight make some noise for your next bucket pool it's daniel van tassel everybody thank you all so much uh i've tried to kill myself three times that guy's like do it one more time i'll take well yeah i've tried to kill myself three times uh one time i was standing on the edge of a bridge and uh i just i hated myself i hated my life i didn't want to live anymore but the real reason i was on that bridge was to prove that white man can jump i say three times but it's weird that it didn't take because my mom told me third time's the charm i'll get that bitch back with lucky number seven uh i started doing jiu-jitsu recently and uh something i've noticed is that black guys really like grappling with white people there's just something that comes across there there's a smile that comes across their face when they start choking you and locking you up it's like reparations is happening right then and there all right that's my time okay daniel van tassel uh how long you been doing stand-up uh three years awesome what do you do for work uh just door dashing right now what else have you done uh like uh have you ever heard of fiverr it's like an app people like hire you to like put up shelves oh okay random shit what's the weirdest fiverr you ever had um well an old lady was like kind of trying to hit on me while i was putting together her dresser nice that was pretty fucking weird hell yeah yeah and she was like 80 oh wow what was she saying uh she was like oh wow you're so strong look at those muscles and tattoos yeah it was fucking weird and she wore a robe yeah and like little parts of it were like kind of slipping a bit it was like the nipples yeah oh my god no her nipple was all the way down to her fucking pussies nice i love it her nipple looked like it jumped off the bridge uh you really tried to kill yourself three times yeah once was off of a bridge yeah which bridge i was in vegas what bridge uh walking like over the street yeah it was like the crosswalk no no tell us the exact bridge so it was a bridge on ford you don't know the name of the bridge that you jumped off i didn't jump off of it oh yeah i i almost did i guess that's not really uh did somebody save you off or like well i was just like being a pussy about it and just like standing there okay then they it's over a highway so i guess we've all almost jumped off of a bridge yep that's that's not jumping is yeah basically not a suicide attempt but all right but you were really kicking it around yeah okay how about the other two times what's uh i took a bunch of pills what which pills uh xanax oh wow how did that end up going for you i just threw them i threw them up on my bed so like i didn't kill myself and then i had to clean up my bed right that sucked it yeah you had even one more reason to kill yourself after that exactly it's like ah my bed's a mess now i really want to end it okay how about the third time uh that was pills as well what pills were those uh that was xanax and was it tums after you had an upset belly after trying the xanax it was uh xanax and percocet oh wow and what happened that time you puke again same thing wow god just wants me here for some reason i guess well all right let me ask you this no no no that looked like i was like he doesn't and let me tell you why uh no i was gonna ask you how often do you do this how often are you doing stand-up stand-up uh so i've been taking uh kind of a break just for a couple of weeks i've been just like i've been really depressed recently yeah so uh i've i've been trying i've been getting a little bit so if you were to say in a month how often a month probably like seven or eight times okay you know you need to do more right and i know it's hard to do that when you're not feeling mentally well and all that but i would say it's a tough open with that subject and i think it's important if you want to talk about it but save it till they're like ha ha ha okay you know wait till they're all like this guy's great this is killed too you know like but you don't don't take the title seriously you know like you don't have to talk about that i would say open up a little bit lighter talk about you seem like a nice guy give us some give us a reason to like you in the beginning and then talk about i was going for pity laughs you're going for pity laughs you got a cute look you look like if someone plucked the hair off of joe rogan's arm and then grew it in the texas soil and they were like we should have let it grow a little bit more just to remind her if anybody's ever having thoughts dude go to betterhelp.com and use the promo code kill tony uh daniel van tassel tell us something else interesting about your life what kind of hobbies or special skills or talents do you have uh hobbies i i just do jiu jitsu i like to go out a lot like uh i've been hitting barton springs pool for the most part like all summer that place rules okay um you know random like that i don't really i'm not like art creative i don't like draw or like that so yeah all right what's your love life like you have a girlfriend uh i kind of have like a situation ship going on tell us about that what does that mean uh like we don't have labels and we can other people but like we kind of really stick with each other like we actually hang out and go do while other people we just like bang who's winning though she's winning yeah yeah it's infinitely easier for her yeah i did that i had an open relationship for a minute my girl i kicked my ass it was all australians and that with you all the guys she bangs were australian because they come to new york and they have sex with everybody and it's always my girlfriend they put it wow that's some bad interest they put a they put a shrimp on her barbie shut up yeah what a bully you're a bully daniel van tassel that was good good job i'm taller than you thank you everyone is yeah fun times daniel congratulate how long you been on stand-up three years very nice sign up again sometime daniel van tassel everybody all right another bucket pool we know this young lady she is very funny she's famously been on this show before made a huge impact is now a regular here at the mothership and a full-time employee her life changed from being here in austin texas very funny lady this is a brand new minute from the great annie teicher everybody all my friends are getting married having kids i feel behind i've always been behind i remember when i was 14 and i hadn't gotten my period yet i would just pretend walk out of the bathroom at school like uh do not go in there i just did a big period yeah last one of my friends to get my period last one of my friends to kiss a boy he was 16 and guess who can't coach soccer anymore yeah you know when i was when i was in school the boys were mean except one who told me to call him when my tits come in and i think i'm gonna do it wow wow very funny annie is funny and you're back again welcome annie how's life going it's great it's great to work here sat these people here you did tonight this room amazing yeah i love it when that happens uh that's wild um how long have you worked here again i've worked here since november how long have you been doing stand-up a year and a half and this is your only job working here and doing stand-up it is i quit i quit my job my other job i was a golf professional that's right i remember that wow a year and a half for real that's insane that i don't that joke with the uh waiting for your tits to come in i don't think i wrote a joke that good for like three years that's amazing oh thank you and your mannerisms like you don't realize how much they add like when you're a 16 year old and when you went like that that added so much comedic effect yeah that's natural that's so good for you good job yeah true yeah she's got it very famously i asked her a year and a half ago i do believe it was what the whitest or blackest thing about her is and she said uh that she shops at ross and the place went crazy and then i asked right what's the most latino thing about you and she said that she draws on her own eyebrows and again these were just like in the moment lobs that she knocked out of the park extreme natural talent that only goes one direction and i completely agree with jeff i mean you fly off the page for a year and a half in how's the rest of your life going uh that's pretty bland the rest still unremarkable really uh but i love doing comedy what's your living situation you live by yourself i live by myself and uh what's in your shower anything crazy oh this was this is something from earlier okay yeah we've i've been asking people tonight you're the first female that i've asked because it's kind of a crazy question but what's in your shower just a shampoo and a bar of soap or whatever looking for i'm gonna eventually what are you looking for washcloth loofah like what are you doing in there oh you're a loofah city pardon you are a lady of the loofah am i correct or are you a washcloth gal i am do you know what a loofah is yeah yeah yeah so i don't sorry uh yes yes perfect answer uh what's that all about why are you uh sorry about talking about i'm just shy i'm shy you don't use anything you just use soap i use soap you just go straight soap off your hand what is this it does it does feel weird the only woman we're asking is like hey chill dude i guess it is kind of a crazy question but whatever i love it annie um what is uh what scares you what are you afraid of in this crazy world what are you what scares you is there something that scares you it's gotta be something you're looking at me like it's just straight up black people yeah uh i did uh general general violence general violence yes one of the lieutenants of our great rme i'm general violence i'm gonna have you doing a thousand push-ups a day goddamn welcome i am general violence you will Refer to me as General Violence. The name matches my routine. That's right. General Violence. Have you witnessed violence? Do you remember a moment where you saw some violence that maybe made you. You know, this won't surprise you, but I haven't. Really? Oh. Well, let's get her some violence, guys. Yeah. You haven't seen it out on 6th Street? You never saw a street fight or anything like that? They keep me inside. Yeah. She's like a tuxedo cat. She's a house mothership employee. We keep the ruggids on the outside and the sweet little Annie Teichers inside. She's an indoor cat. Do you get diarrhea a lot? Red band. Now, see, there I am trying to be a professional, hosting a real show, and then you pull a real poof and you take it too far and it's out of control. Do you get diarrhea sometimes? I do. I'll tell you. Your turn. I'm just kidding. Annie, you don't have to answer that. Give us one wacky fun fact about your life, Annie, that would surprise us. Just tell us something and then. I was suspended in the first grade. Oh, my goodness. Was it violence? It wasn't violence, no. What was it? I made a toilet out of snow during recess, and then I made. Kids use it. Wow. Wow. Thank you. Oh, my. I feel like this shouldn't matter, but did you use it also? Oh, that's weird. I just ran this. You built it for them and you're like, have at it. I won't, but. That's incredible. That's actually very adorable. That's kind of sweet. Here's a toilet. Use it. Red band would have taken a shit in it. Blatantly for peeing, and he would have just fucking. He would have just sat on it. Did they poop in there? Any of them poop in there? Yeah. Really? I got sent home. Wow. Yeah. You liked that, didn't you? You liked seeing other kids poop, huh? At the time, yeah, I must have. Red band. Poof. All right. Annie, you are just fantastic. We love you here. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. She's here at the mothership all the time, and she's been crushing. She's been crushing on actual lineups with the big kids. Only a year and a half in on real lineups. Look at this illegal immigrant taking the weirdest way possible to get out of here. All right. We having fun out there? This is our last bucket pool of the night, everybody. Right? Yeah. All right. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Blazing Nana, everybody. Blazing Nana. Yeah. Y'all, I started dating again, and I've discovered a few things. I love big dick energy on a little dick man. I mean, I want all that same swagger and confidence without the blunt force trauma to my swimsuit area. God, and pickings are slim at my age. The best ones are already taken. Rest of them, dead half the time in their swimsuit area. I know you guys call that whiskey, but whiskey dick tastes nothing like whiskey. Oh, and I have dated a couple of the old guys on the boner pills. Oh, yeah. Those guys, they're really easy to find over on, like, silver singles in our time. Those are the apps the old folks used to screw. And I can always tell who's taking them pills. I know what I look like completely naked. If a 63-year-old man marches in my room, soldier at the ready, I didn't make him pop that boner. He popped a pill. Ooh, and it could be fun. If he got it at CBS, hell yes. Texaco is a no bueno. Anyway, thank you so much. All right, Blazing Nana, everyone. You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, it was a year ago. Okay, well, welcome back, Blazing Nana. Thank you. Welcome, welcome. Jeff, what'd you think about that performance? It was fun. I see you have a lot of tattoos. What did they used to be? These tattoos. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I was worried about that one. Those things. That was nice, that was nice. Honey, these tattoos are older than you are. I bet. Yeah. I bet. Those things are more faded than Uncle Lazer. You're probably like 43, 44. Oh, I'm 43, 44. Thank you, bitch. Am I? I said 38 earlier, and I was pretty confident about it. You know, it's a beautiful hair. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. God, I love it. Yeah. I started it. I deserved it. You're beautiful. You are. Blazing Nana. How long have you been doing stand-up Blazing Nana? I started in 2019, and then the pandemic hit in the Bay Area, and California locked us up like. Yes, they did. bad. And then I had two really major surgeries. The first one was abdominal surgery. I've lost a lot of weight. I had skin taken off. But then I had all my top teeth removed. Oh, shit. Why? And I had to learn how to talk with something hard in my mouth. Which I'm not used to doing. You know what I'm saying? So, I had to learn how to talk with dentures, and it's been really crazy. Okay. So, why did they take all of your top teeth out? Because they were really, really bad from getting punched in the head. I told you a year ago, you probably forgot. Uh-huh. I am a victim and a survivor of domestic violence. Well, congratulations. Severe domestic violence. And I'm here. And now I can laugh about it. You lost all the weight after you left that guy? Yeah, I did. I mean, if you would have. You could have done it a little bit sooner. I mean, you could have avoided all the. Yeah, maybe, maybe. Still yapping. Ah-ha! Hey, since you're being ornery, I want to play Hey, Nano, What's in the Fanny Pack? Can we do that? Well, let's do it. Come on. Because I have been hanging on to this. I haven't been pulled for years. I know. You lost all that weight, and now you have it attached to you remotely by a. But I have it attached for a reason. Because I got. I got you something for your birthday a long time ago. I love it. First of all, this is a chrome cue holder for your chalk when you shoot pool. Oh, that's very sweet. Nice. Thank you. I actually will do something with that. And then this is something that I thought you might like. I didn't know if you had one, because you're the golden pony, but now you're a tix, and so you're the golden tix. Wow. And I got you a nice belt buckle. That's a little longhorn there. With an American flag. Look at that. I don't know where I could possibly get one. I wouldn't like it, but. But it's great to have another one. This is actually. I have a few of them. It's a spare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do have a belt buckle collection. Somehow it started. Yeah. It has begun. Add one more thing. See, that's what I would answer if I was an interviewee on this show. I'd go, I have a belt buckle collection. And then everyone would call me Uncle Laser's favorite word, and then we would move on. Thank you for this belt buckle. That's very sweet. Anything else in there? What else do you got? I got. I was going to ask you if I could smoke with you all. Nope. You can't. I promise you. You can't. Okay. We can't have you fucking pulling a heart attack up here, and then your family tries to sue us and Joe Rogan, because they would. I know you would. It's not a cigarette. I. Nope, you can't. Nope. Okay. Never mind. I was going to ask if I could hang out and smoke with you guys, but that's okay. No, that's all I had was that in there, and that's about it, but. I love it. Blazing Nana, give us one more little fun fact about your life. You seem like you've seen a lot. You seem like you are the type of lady that back in the day used to shut down a doctor's five bar. You would. Yeah. You would be at that jukebox playing the best of the Eagles till the late at night. But I will tell you that I am a call-in personality on the number one morning show in San Francisco for 11 years now. Whoa. 107.7 The Bone, KSAN, San Francisco for 11 years. Yes, I'm that Blazing Nana from The Bone. So I'm kind of famous back there, but not here. Wow. So when I was doing stand-up in the. In the Bay Area, I was giving my government name because I didn't want to get preference because I'm Blazing Nana from the radio station. Got it. So, and then I came here and no one knows who the hell I am anyway, so it doesn't even matter, but I love it. It's all good. How about now? What type of fun are you having in life now? I retired to do comedy. I couldn't afford to do it in the Bay Area anymore, so I sold everything that I could, my car and everything else, and I. What kind of car was it? It was a 2001 Mitsubishi Mirage Jalopy with 200,000 miles on it, but it was my puddle jumper. She got me from show to show, and I loved it. Okay. And so I haven't had a car for over a year now, and my neighbor is selling me her car. I don't know if you're allowed to call them puddle jumpers anymore, by the way. I think you have to call them. I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. We have a lot of potholes and puddles. Oh, I thought you were talking about Mexicans. Okay. Oh, my God. We're having fun here, puddle jumpers. Blazing and Anna, when's the last time you had sexual intercourse with a man? It was about two years ago. It wasn't good, so if you want to know when's the last time I had good sex, it was about eight years ago. Okay. Yeah. That was a black man? No. I only date little dick guys. I have a brand new vagina. I had clam cancer, the cervical cancer. Whoa. You have a brand new vagina? Yeah, and I lost my fupa. when I had my surgery, so I have a brand new meow. down here wow so i only date little dick guys wow holy shit this is very exciting wait what is what did i miss over there i've been telling him for a year i'm gonna turn around and say hey raul do you for a year i've been telling him i was gonna do that when i got pulled whoa raul vallejo look at that oh my god he told us he had a big dick wow oh i don't know him that way i just wanted to say hi to him i have been teasing him for a year i'm gonna get on stage and turn around and say hey raul and i finally got to do it so amazing she's gonna turn your trombone into a trauma bone hey wait wait do you see his lips okay relax boys and girls jesus christ you i'm like your pussy because i'm scarred for life blazing nana you're a sweet lady you know what since you came bearing gifts i'm gonna give you a big joke even though your set was just whatever and i caught it too you're damn right you caught just like the cervical cancer you caught it my love there she goes blazing nana ladies and gentlemen a sweet little spirit all right you this is it we did it we got through the bucket congratulations everybody we're all still alive nobody lost an eye or an arm or anything we're all safe that means we get to sit back and enjoy the absolute climax of this show we have a freak of nature we keep them chained up all week and we let them out on monday nights the beast enjoy yourself i know we will this is a brand new set from the real deal pat o'neill thanks everybody i go down a lot of rabbit holes i'm a furry a little about me seriously ever since the epstein emails came out i can't even look at a pizza anymore without getting hard that sort of stuff it's an issue all over the world i've recently read a story about a man in the middle east who married a child yeah it's called the quran they put it right in the book i would have left it out you know you and speaking of religious texts i just learned mind conf is still available on amazon even worse they're selling it under cookbooks okay just unbelievable wow unbelievable pat o'neill great job dude thank you so funny man when you got made a regular dude i was so happy for you i so was watching you grow on the show and just destroy i even messaged you and congratulated you said awesome you were and you've yet to fucking respond to me oh what the fuck i was checking i was like what the fuck no man that's great i spend most of my time on instagram like responding to schizophrenics in the comments section so i do apologize for the rude of me that's all good you're probably missing a lot of messages there's there's another uh there's another mailbox it's uh what is it what's that called request yeah i just found out recently if you missed his you probably missed drake's and kanye's and other people's by the way you're probably going to be very after this you're gonna you're gonna be very he's probably been following since the smoking the jays joke a few weeks ago uh i mean you are just something else man it's like sitting back and getting to just watch today's one of today's truly i truly mean this best comedians out there and uh getting to watch your process i mean i can't imagine actually i can't imagine because i had you do a spot on one of my stand-up shows a couple of weeks ago and uh watching you put all of this together in full sets it's just incredible it's uh you know to go joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke and with the stuff in the middle being funny and your setups being funny and the way you change directions being funny the only thing funnier than when he does a minute or a set on this show is watching him do a longer set because he builds momentum everybody if they don't know who he is figures it out real quick that he's very funny and it all adds up i mean there's nothing that can stop your trajectory at this point so i got distracted by this guy i thought he was jd vance for a second i just noticed him right now he is jd vancey as it gets look at this guy look at the eye you can even make a face to make himself more jd that's crazy i wasn't really watching it i was afraid somebody had said it already i was like i'm gonna go for it that is incredible wow and he does he's here with an immigrant so that is very jd vance he's here with red band's girlfriend that is amazing uh pat o'neill how's life going for you anything crazy going on fucking good i don't know i'm just trying to like stay sane and get some sleep before msg honestly you know what i mean just fucking yeah i'm with you yeah it's wildly exciting and uh it is tough to sleep when you live this kind of wild life it's a lot of fun and uh and you're attacking it red band first time in new york too that's got to be fun for you that's fucking retarded yeah it really is you're going to new york for the first time to do madison square garden two nights in a row that is as exciting as it gets so fun um how's life here in austin oh great i don't know i'm getting to do more spots here and so i don't know it's awesome it's very hot it wasn't as hot last summer which is my first one here it is crazy other than that it's swell yeah we have very hot summers here how long have you been in austin just two years like yeah a year and a half now yeah yeah the summers are fucking nuts um but you're doing it pat i mean you're absolutely crushing another unbelievable set you deserve it there goes the great powder neil ladies and gentlemen with us at msg watch the replay right now kill tony live.com he'll be with us in vegas as well november 13th and 14th and of course he'll be here at the moody center new year's eve tickets go on sale august 18th use the promo code kill 26 how about a hand for the kill tony debut of jeff r curry ladies and gentlemen right now is the time if you haven't already go to netflix right this second go watch nice to meet you he's truly one of the best stand-ups working today the drawing from ryan j belt is in let's see what chris rogers drew over there hell yeah is that jeff fuck yeah jeff r curry i nailed it could have been me could have been i see jeff though that's jeff how about one more time for chris rogers ryan j you can't wait to see what he's got to say about our artists that draw the episodes as they happen oh boy we had fun that was a blast pal so fun they grabbed me absolutely we'll do it again sometime soon poof what do you got for us i got a new album out called yacht rod cap red 7 on spotify youtube everywhere you have an ai album a new a new album yes wow unbelievable ladies and gentlemen anything can happen soon he might write an ai book or uh ai maybe we're having i write the word lyrics i know i know i know okay how about one more time for red band the great jeff r curry how about one more time for the best damn band in the land everybody and you the live audience we love you god bless this audience and god bless the united states of america thank you good night everybody you wasted let's go you Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.