#780 - FLUFFY - HARLAND WILLIAMS - ADAM RAY (INTUIT DOME, LOS ANGELES CA)

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to Killtony. Find everything Tony Henscliff at his website, TonyHenscliff.com, including all the latest tour dates for Tony and Killtony. Desquad.tv. There you can find every past episode of Killtony, you can also find my catbred 7 and all the things I do at Desquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBan, company of lead, from the into and go, here in beautiful Los Angeles, California, for a brand new episode of Killtony, get it from Tony Henscliff. Los Angeles, California, who's ready for the best tonight of their fucking lot? [ Cheers and applause ] Holy fucking shit, huh? [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God, guys, how loud can this place get one more time for the best standband in all the land? Motherfucking Teddy, Swims, and Jelly Roll, and all the great musicians. The art has begun to flow with. We are here. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. It started here in Los Angeles 13 years ago in a room built for 65 people. We had 15 tickets that we didn't even sell. We couldn't even sell $5 tickets at the time. And here we are at the state of the art fucking into it, dome, what an unbelievable honor. The American Dream alive and well, right here with us two bozos, a guy that hits an iPad with fart noises for a fucking living, unbelievable. Michael Gonzalez, Rao Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Chris Liches, and Nachos Belgrande. The great Matt Mewling on the electric John Bees on the keys, and believe it or not, that is the real deal, de-madness ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh. Oh my God, before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. And this is not a real commercial break, everybody, but it is a chance for us to tell you, try to control your booing when it's a bucket pool, wait until they really, really earn it. I know arenas love, you cowards that don't have the balls to sign up, love ruining it for the courageous people that wait for hours out in the blazing sun trying to chase their fucking dream. Give them a chance, don't be on the set up, you could be with the end of the 60 seconds. Deal? Deal. I love you guys. Who's ready to start this fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say, we haven't, you know, a lot of people, I hear at these big arena shows, I hear from my team that some people complain that we don't get enough bucket pools up, but they're not here, you know, they're not here with us. And I stocked this line up with constant fun of your favorite comedians of the history of Killtony. We're going to get through, hopefully, quite a few bucket pools, but I just have a fucking unbelievable show for you guys. It's probably going to go a little long. We started a little late, tipped a babysitter extra money. You guys are with us tonight, let's have some fucking fun. We made the long drive, we went through the fucking traffic, we're here, let's fucking party. Ladies and gentlemen, your first guest that I'm bringing to the stage is one of the all-time greatest guests in the history of the show. He has the most watched Netflix special of the year. He is the biggest comedian in the world, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Gabriel and the one and only Gabriel and the other, and he's the biggest comedian in the history of the show. He's the biggest comedian in the history of the show. Two greatest guests in the show's history, back here for a bigger turn to Los Angeles, California. We have a third MDC. Who knows what could happen as this episode goes on. Maybe I invite somebody over to join us. But guys, welcome. How about one more time for Gabyn Glacias and Harlan Williams, everybody. Los Angeles. Hey, guys. It's great to be here in Los Angeles. Wow. I did something a little special for this one, T-Bird. Oh, yeah. I know there's a lot of Latinos here in Los Angeles. Where are you? They do speak English. Why? The city of Anos. But you know what I did, fluffy, as a little treat. I learned Spanish just because I knew there'd be a lot of Latinos here tonight. So I'd like to start the comedy off with a joke in Spanish. I would love that. I think a lot of people out here want that. All right. Here we go. I got to concentrate. Hang on. Okay. These three gringos walk into a bar. And you won't understand the rest. He will, but not you. I love it. All right. By the way, was it the beach today? Santa Monica Beach. And I saw a sea turtle laying eggs on the sand. And I ran up with my camera and was a homeless guy taking a shit in a hole. And I said these three gringos walk into a bar. We're going to have some fun tonight. Let's get the party started. No reason to hesitate. You're two of the most unbelievable guests ever. We have two buckets here tonight. The Legends bucket has arrived for the first time ever to Los Angeles, California. It is made for appearances in Madison Square Garden. One appearance at the Mammudi Center in Austin, Texas. It's its first time here in LA. Welcome to Legends bucket, everybody. I think you're going to learn to love it. Over 250 people signed up earlier for the show. If I pull one of their names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds on it. And erupted. You know their time is up and you're the son of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yeah. We're back where the actual bear is. He's happy to get to be home and visit his family. When that bear happens, it rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We talk to them. A lot of them, obviously. Almost none of them have ever performed in a arena this big. And that includes our regulars in Golden Tickle winners. Maybe not the Legends. But it's pretty much the greatest night of everybody's lives. So let's all enjoy it together. The first guy I'm going to bring to the stage to get tonight's show started. While we wrangle whoever this first bucket pool is, ladies and gentlemen, is the regular on the show. He writes that performs the new minute every fucking week. Not easy to do. He's here to do it again. Makes the noise for the former dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. And now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. The one and only. Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] What the fuck is up in Atlanta? [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God. Guys, just follow your dreams and don't let people be mean to you. I had somebody tell me because I said, they said, "What's your dream?" I said, "I want the biggest above-ground pool in the state of Texas." And then they said, "Dedric, above-ground swimming pools are trash." No, nigga, they're safe. So if it's safe, then it's fun. I don't fuck with in-ground swimming-- fuck in-ground swimming pools. No, I can't swim. I can see you doing them, ma'am. They don't got no respect for the non-swimmer. They should go from three to eight feet, way too swiftly. We play a Marco Polo all of a sudden, ain't no more "Dedric." [LAUGHTER] And if we be honest, if you Google search in-ground swimming pools, nobody's in them during the summertime. Nobody's having fun. There's no love there. They only build in-ground swimming pools at their house so they can raise the property value for the divorce. But I'd dare you Google search any above-ground swimming pool in this great nation. I guarantee you it's got too many niggas in there. It's got too many. They got a trampoline on one side and a basketball goal on the other side and a chubby nigga on the roof saying, "Watch this and nigga, I watch." That's my time, I love y'all. "Dedric," "Blind," "Live," and "Los Angeles," "California," "In the Into It Dome." How you feel, Dedric? I feel fucking amazing! Oh, yeah. We went from Teddy Swims to Teddy Can't Swims. [LAUGHTER] And that's my brother, too. You know him? I've known Teddy for almost 17, 18 years. Even before we was over there crying, I'm looking at his cute little fucking white freaking nails right now. Look at him. Oh my goodness. Crying over and over. We ate. What'd you tell me? You said, "Me, me, at the top." Baby, we're here now. Oh, shit. We're here now, Teddy. Teddy is about 11 face tattoos away from doing black face, by the way. How does that make you feel? Well, he got a black voice, so we'll give him a bang. That is true. That man's got soul. One more time for Teddy Swims. Unbelievable. What's your trip to El Lago and how are we feeling? Man, I was good until I lost my phone in that Uber. Oh, yeah, you dead. I don't got no phone right now. And then it's impossible to, like, get help. I went to the Verizon people. I said, "Can I buy another phone?" They said, "Yeah, but you don't need your card." I said, "Well, my phone's missing and my phone's on the card." And then he looked me dead in my face and he said, "Can you do Apple Pay?" [LAUGHTER] No, I just told you I had no fucking phone. [LAUGHTER] Dude, I got to tell you, if you lost your phone, just melt those teeth you can make anything. [LAUGHTER] And by the way, I got to tell you, man, I've never seen anyone wear a coleslaw so nicely. [LAUGHTER] Well, that looks like he's got coleslaw on. Oh, he's wearing coleslaw. Yeah. You are right, Harley. All right, I'm hungry. Why are you mad at me? You're pants. He's just short. He got all short, standout shorts, too. Yeah, but your ears don't look like coleslaw. Your ears just look like shop-driven. Well, you can't wear shorts. Can you, Harley? Because your legs just look like mozzarella rolled around and lent and shit like that. Oh, really? [LAUGHTER] Do it. Do it, Harley. They're better. What is going on? Harley Williams. Oh, my God. Wow. He's got a huge cuff. What's the microphone? [LAUGHTER] Harlan's packing over here. I looked. Oh, I looked. And that's just the profile. That thing is so big. We might let it sit in this third seat for a second. Might need a seat of its own. It's over there sitting on your lap, cutting off the circulation of those mozzarella sticks, you got. Anybody got an empty can of Pringles? [LAUGHTER] Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Gabe, you got to see another fun set from Beddrick. He killed it. Yeah. What's not to like? He's so funny. I love it. What have you felt being out here in L.A. versus being out in Texas doing the show? He said, what happened? What have you felt being out in L.A. versus being out where we've seen in the past? Man. Out of the body center or, you know, even Vegas. I feel like you could raise a family of four in the traffic while you wait. I was like, you can get a girl pregnant and there's two, wait nine months had a baby. That nigga grabs a weight in the car. [LAUGHTER] So I get what you got. A lot of great comedians. You all got time to write some jokes. [LAUGHTER] We all get-- [LAUGHTER] That's why y'all started podcasts here. 'Cause y'all had three hours in traffic. I'm just going down the street and back. Beddrick, what a way to get tonight's show started. One of the best regulars. I love y'all so much, thank y'all. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. It has begun. And now we go to the bucket, everybody. This is a real human being. It's been waiting for hours that had no idea that they were going on stage. And here we go. Your first bucket hole tonight goes by the name of Shade Freeman, everyone. Make some noise for us. [MUSIC PLAYING] Real quick, before we get started, I just want to let you guys know, you're not drunk. This is what my face actually looks like. OK? People ask me all the time, why? Why does it look like that? A few years ago, I got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. That's what you're looking at. This is my Fauci ouchi. That's what we call it at home. No, I was actually born like this. I was born. Both my parents are hot, actually. My mom is a spicy Latina. My father is my mom's brother. Still, good luck you guys. I was born with something called cruise on syndrome. Not a lot of people know what that is. I don't even know what it is. When people ask me, I just tell them it's the brand of tequila. My mom drank while she was pregnant with me. But she didn't have her first drink until after she saw what I looked like. I recently just got married, actually, which is pretty cool. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Shout out to the Make a Wish Foundation. Those guys are amazing. They make dreams come true. Do you know that? My name is Shay Freeman guys. Shay Freeman. Wow. What a way to get the bucket started. Oh my god. Fuck yeah, dude. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Yeah. It looks like you've been doing it much longer. Thank you. Super polished, very comfortable. You're in front of thousands of people. Wow. You walked out here like you've been doing this every day. Yeah. No, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Very polished. Hell yeah. Amazing. And I'm going to save you a little money. Do you like a good deal? Do you like to save money? Was that? Do you like to save money, my god? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I'm going to save you some money on ancestry.com. Surprise. You're a pug. Yeah. [ Laughter ] Well, actually, my father was slob from the goonies, so I do know who he was. This is incredible, Shay. You've been gifted with the face of a true comedian. That's. Yeah. You've been doing it for radio. Yeah. You're not a face for the jumbo tron. It is incredible. Yeah. You've been doing it seven years all of it here in Los Angeles or mostly under children's beds or what? [ Laughter ] And the burn victims, really, they gravitate towards me. No. Yeah. Seven years all of it here, I'm actually. I live in Las Vegas now, but I drove down here to do the show. Wow. You made the drive just to sign up and look how lucky you got. Yeah. My goodness. This lady you married, what the hell? What is going on? What is. Well, she's great, actually. She's smart, funny, beautiful. You guys would know where she goes in other school, but she's fantastic. She's a good lady. No, she's also a comedian, actually. Oh, awesome. Yeah, which is pretty cool. I love it. I love it. She jokes a lot. She's sort of spain night. She has a funny accent. You know, it's great. Can I ask a question, guy? Be honest. If a fly went by way up there, would your tongue get it? [ Laughter ] That's why my wife married me, so yes. Yeah. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] I love it, Shay. What do you do for work? I do this, mostly. I dedicate my time to going around and doing as many shows that can feature in stuff, and I write on the side. My wife makes most of the money, so, you know. I love it. What does she do? She's an actress. Oh, awesome. We do a lot of gigs and stuff. We're an entertainment couple. I love it, man. I find you to be so funny in such a special treat. I'll tell you what. Next time you come to Austin, no matter what Monday you pick, I'll automatically give you a spot. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] Kilt Tony on a Monday live from the comedy "Mothership." How about one more time for the Kilt Tony debut of "Shake Freedom" ladies and gentlemen? We are all in writing. [ Cheers and applause ] There goes Shay. He was awesome. Hell yeah. Oh, oh, oh. The lovely Heidi and Bal have arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Very nice to see them after looking at "Shake Freedom" for five minutes straight. I got to tell ya. Get the blood circulating back to my lower half a little bit. But the good news is you can always pick. Picture Shake Freeman, if you're ever about to come too fast in bed, always remember. Picture Shake Freeman. Do people do that, do they come too fast? Sometimes. Have you ever? Yeah. How fast? This is very, very fast. Like in terms of seconds, how many seconds? Man, there's been sometimes where it's been between five and ten seconds. Wow, dude. You're like the flash. Yeah. Wow. How about you? As far as, as far as I've ever come real fast. Daily. Okay. How about you? What's the fastest you've ever come? I don't know about coming, but I'm moving over into the next chair real fast. Now, you have your arm around me, so I'm moving. Hello there, my dear friends, you know. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real. You know, when I launched the Kiltoni storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated set up steps. Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. Shopify checkout helped more people complete their purchases and returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction free experience gave me confidence that the sales side was working the way it should. Once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the store to actually growing the business. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend more time improving products, connecting with customers, and finding new ways to grow, you know, being creative. Red Bam. It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide from first time entrepreneurs to major brands, the infrastructure, the infrastructure is already there. You just bring the idea. That's right, Red Bam. I couldn't have set up better myself with Shopify. Nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/Kiltoni. All right, let's keep this fun trade moving along. We have a golden tick a winner who was born and raised in Los Angeles, California, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Oh my God, man, my girlfriend and I did mushrooms together pretty recently, you know. Oh, you guys like mushrooms, I fucking hated it. I had a horrible time. She was having a great time. I started panicking and she tried to calm me down, but the only thing I remember her saying to me was, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." Although there's another thing I remember too, at one point she goes, "Jack, my pussy feels crazy." And I said, "Me too." And then during the trip, I start writing about Epstein. I start journaling about Epstein. I'm such a bad hang, you should not do drugs with me. This is, I start writing about Epstein and, but I did get something good out of it. I realized, to me, the funniest part about the Epstein files is that when you log on to the library to look at the files, the first question it asks is, "Are you 18?" And if you click no, you're in. Thank you, guys. Jack Shaw doing it in his hometown. How do you feel, Jack? This is amazing. This is so cool. Holy shit. I'm actually having a bit of a panic attack right now. So that's awesome. I love it. Holy shit. Okay. I love it. Jack, Jack, the curiosity is killing me. What's in the bag? Oh, what's in the bag? What's in the bag? What's in the bag, Gabriel? Okay. So, so I'm from LA, right? And I, I, I, I, I wanted to bring you some gifts from Los Angeles, Tony. Would that be cool? Absolutely. I lived here for almost 20 years. But sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I give you some gifts from LA. Well, you gave me a golden ticket. So I wanted you to get you a pray-the-gay away camp ticket and, uh, so I made you something important. This first one, uh, this first one's an anal chastity belt. Let me get it out really quick. Wow. Do we play some music? I don't think you're supposed to say what it is before giving up, but okay, good. And we'll play some music while I get it out. All right. Is it a menorah with dildos instead of candles? All right. Here we go. This is a real live show, everybody. First one. Okay. All right. Okay. Bear with me. Bear with me. This first one. If you, you can put it on and you turn around, it says. Oh, my goodness. Wow. And since we're in Hollywood, you can have a little fun with it, dude. You can have it a little fun. So you got a little. You've heard a carrot top. This is Yamika top, everybody. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. I got two more. Don't worry. We'll get out of here. All right. Okay. All right. Here he is. Taking up a lot of real estate. Like a typical Jew. Okay. All right. All right. So this next one. I got for you. I got for you. You know, surfing's big in Los Angeles. So I got you this from West Hollywood. This is a bookie board from West Hollywood. Okay. Is it another? Okay. It's a bouquet board, dude. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. Let's do the third one. Dude, I got to tell you, if this doesn't work out the way you're dressed, you could get a job at any funeral part of it. Okay. We'll get out of here on this one. This one. I got from you for you from my synagogue. This is a Jewish wallet. So on one side, you can have the media and on the other, the World Bank. Wow. Okay. This was not great. All right. Thank you, guys. So much. One more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. So Jewish that he literally just bombed civilians here at the Intuito. The only guy that I think brought family out, and I just bombed live on this show, everybody. It's incredible. How about a hand for the Latino man, mobbing absolutely nothing. There's a man with a mob standing up in front of 15,000 people doing nothing at all whatsoever. It's very excited. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Aguero, everybody. Here comes Chris Aguero. Thank you. Thank you. I went to JC Penny the other day. Guys, nobody shops there anymore. It's all just Mexicans. I went to the front entrance, and they had a 12-year-old chubby boy guarding the entrance. I hear me out. Here we are. I went up to the boy. Hold on. I went up to the boy and asked him. Aren't you a little too young to be working here? And he said, "Mind your own business, playboy." I was like, "Okay. I apologize." So I, so I went up to him. I apologize. Wow, there's got a lot worse than I thought. All right. Are you done? Okay. All right. Wow. Chris. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy, Chris? I'm sorry. How long have you been doing comedy? A year. A year. Where are at? San Diego, California. Okay. What do you think happened tonight? They don't like you. San Diego. They don't like Jay-C Penny either. They don't like Jay-C Penny. They didn't like your setup. They didn't like your punch lines. They didn't like the fact that you pranced out here like a little reindeer real quick. That was kind of weird. They don't like your delivery. Tell them something that's going to make you like them. You're here in the heart of Los Angeles. You're right by the airport. Well, I'm like I was too surprised to you. I'm actually going to be moving here in a couple of months to pursue comedy full-time. I know. I know. Wow. If you've ever wondered what it's like to do comedy in a haunted house, this is the most booze you're ever going to hear. Wow. Are you gay, Chris? I'm getting a little gay vibe from you. Are you gay? What? Are you gay? No. Oh. I'm in a relationship. Am I that gay? I'm not that gay, right? That he's more gay than me, right? Wow. Chris, I'm trying everything here before letting you go. I'm trying everything for you to get one pop to get the crowd to like you one time. Is there something about you, Chris, that you think the people of Los Angeles would love to know about you? Yeah, sometimes I'll go to gay bars just to see if guys hit on me. Hold on. I asked if you're gay. You said no. But I'm not gay. You know, I'm just, you know, I go just to see if I could, you know, just get my spirits up a little bit. You know, you go to gay bars to see if gay guys will hit on you. Taking an opportunity from an actual gay man, much like you did, signing up for the buckets tonight, taking an opportunity away from the comedian. And either way, it's nice to get a compliment everyone once in a while. There you go. At least Red Band got rid of his one fart noise already. Can I ask him something? Gabriel English, yes. OK, brother. You've been doing this for about a year, right? Sorry. You've been doing this for about a year? For a year, yeah. OK. How many shows do you think you've done? How many performances? I perform like two or three times a week. OK. Oh, my God, you guys doing that in YouTube. The question I ask I want to ask is, what is the funniest closer? What's the way that you get off stage every night when you perform that makes you go, you know what? I'm funny enough to be on Kill Tony. What's that closer joke? Give us the one joke right now. The one joke that you're like, this is what I close on. You're best joke right now. We're giving them one chance. All right, so I saw in the news that San Diego police department is going to start using ketamine darts on wild animals that roam populated areas. Have you guys heard about this? You can't ask questions like that. You've got a fucking go, dude. You've got to go. You're leaving the end. Go ahead. Jesus, fuck me. If anyone finds a realistic bear costume, please come find me. I'll be outside. All right. All right, Chris. I think there'll be a realistic bear costume at that gay bar you're hanging out at. Here's a little jokebook. And man, I forgot to give-- I forgot to give fucking the shit face guy real jokebook. Wait, the what face? The guy that was shit face. There he goes, Chris. Oh, I thought you meant elevator door face, punk. You guys remember when the guy with the crazy face was up here? And then Heidi and Val came up and like, it was all hot and fun again. I'm about to do that with comedy right now. I'm going to the Legends bucket, everybody. We're going to teach this through the Chris Aguiers set. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reason why so many of us ended up in Austin, Texas. He can been strogan. He can been still out of people. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest comedians of all time. This is Killtony Legends. Comedy legend, one of my best friends. The one and only. Ron White. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I know we're having a really good time tonight, but I'm going to start with this. We just had to bury one of our comedy brothers who took his own life two weeks ago. And I would like to remind everybody that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see someone. So never, ever hesitate to tell somebody I'm going to need that money. [APPLAUSE] Netflix festival, man, how great, right? I think they added some categories to the warnings on Netflix films to make them seem more interesting. I wasn't watching a movie the other night. The warning was this long. Had categories I'd never heard of. It said, "Warning, violence, go, or adult situations, nudity, sexual situations, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, smoking, I'm like, am I in this?" [LAUGHTER] During the pandemic, I know on Netflix, they had that one button that said, "Surprise me." And I never pushed it, because I just don't trust those motherfuckers, and eventually, I watch everything on television on Netflix, there was the watch. I was just staring at that thing. And eventually, I pushed it, and it was my parents fucking. [LAUGHTER] And I got to tell you, I was surprised. [LAUGHTER] Where did you get this footage? So I lived here for years. I lived in Beverly Hills and moved to Austin. And what spurred to move on was I hated my neighbor's wife. And that's the worst thing you can have is a bad neighbor. You have to move. You can't kill them. I looked it up. [LAUGHTER] And we lived on a clip with views from downtown LA all the way to the ocean. And I spoke to this woman twice in three years. Both times ridiculously unpleasant. The first time she accused me of stealing their newspaper and she was really shitty about it. We had the company and she'd banged on the door. He stole our newspaper and you know you did. You've done it before blah, blah, blah, blah, fuck her, whatever she said. And I said, lady, if you know anything about me, I don't steal and I'll read a fucking newspaper and I slam the door in her face. Now I totally stole their newspaper. And they had footage from their security camera. They were able to send it to my phone. I don't know how they did that. But I'm like, yeah, it looks like me and my robe walking over to your house. I sure drive away bending over. Those are my balls picking up a newspaper. You could be on to something sleuthy. But I still thought I was shitty over to bring it up in public. The second time was just a little while back. I bought some new patio furniture. And the new patio furniture had an umbrella that was blocking her view of Century City. And she came over to my house with steam and you're shooting out of her stupid little fucking ears. And she bangs on the doors. You got to move that umbrella, you got to move it now. You're blocking my view of Century City. It makes my house worth less money. I call the police now. Move that umbrella and move it now. So she's talking, move it now. Now I got to tell you, if she would have asked me nice to move it, I probably would have done it because I like to be a good neighbor. And I really wasn't sold on the umbrella one way or the other. But now, ooh, I love it. I do-- and my favorite thing about it is where it is. And that's where it will always be. Until the bigger one I ordered on Amazon Prime gets there on Tuesday. And I will essentially be able to block the sun from her home. She will no longer be able to grow vegetables. And her entire family will die of fucking scurvy. Thank you. Good night. What I hate about myself is when I get into a verbal altercation with somebody, I just get vicious. And I don't even know why. And sometimes it's like I'm watching myself do it. And Ron, you really think they deserve this? I'm like, fuck you, motherfucker. Go get 'em, cowboy. And that's what happened to this lady. She's walking away and she goes, I'm going to tell my husband you said I was a [bleep] and I said he knows. Thanks for playing along. It's all kind of a good time tonight. Don't forget to love each other. Hell yeah. Gil Tony's room in the roof over here, we're not leaving a stone unturned. We're going to find the best fun of this person as planned. And we're going to have him on this stage. Thanks to you guys. Thanks a lot. One more time for the great Ron White, everybody. Come on. A fucking pool has to follow that. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet 'em all together. Make some noise for a bucket pool. Number three, it's Damien Regal. Damien Regal. I think all female turn male transgenders should have to play a year of football in the NFL. Not to prove that men are stronger than women. But so that scientist can study a brain that's been damaged twice. My girlfriend and I have been going plastic-free lately. Do you know how hard it is to carve a dildo out of wood? And why did she want me to stain it black? We did try it once, but I got splinters in my ass. My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for the last six months. I just haven't told her yet. I'm afraid to tell her because dating again is hard for a guy that's five-nine. You know, honestly, the hardest part about being five-nine is having a big dick. I never get to use it. She did find out though when we broke up. Now the only time I touch women is when I titty fuck strippers and hug my mom. Okay, Damien Regal, welcome. Damien Regal, thank you. You made them sound international, the way you said it. Yeah, it's spelled differently. It's R-I-G-E-L. R-I-G-O-L. Yeah. Okay, Regal. Regal. Regal. Yeah. Okay, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? This is my second mic. Wow. What made you want to sign up for this in front of 15,000 people? I've been watching your shows since the Vulcan Gas Company day. Yeah. - I really love it, yeah. - Hell yeah, Shada Vulcan. That's where we built a fuckin' little empire in Austin, Texas, while waiting for the mothership to be built. And after a real shitty club in Austin decided that we were too racist for a band. - A bunch of posties. - But anyway, Vulcan's the shit, you are correct. Where was the other open mic at that you tried? - It was in Seattle and that transgender joke got boot so hard. - I bet, Seattle's a real dumb. - Let's check in with Harlan Williams. - You know what? I love about comedy, Tony. You just never know who's gonna do it. Like anyone from any walk of life could do stand up comedy. And for the cover model, for just for man, hair color to come in here. (audience laughs) And blow this room apart. God bless you, you funny little freak from Finland. - I must say, it looks so natural that no one can tell. - Yeah. - For men, Joe. - A guy in the back asks if you start in that Elton John biopic. - Yeah? - Yeah, and I told him no. - Okay, it is your second mic, good job, Damien. - Well tried. - The material, the material. - You bearded, free. - Well, okay, I'm changing it from just for men to ISIS. How about that? - You look good, Damien. What do you do for a living? - I'm a certified public accountant. I do tax returns for a living. - Wow, wow, oh, this is South Los Angeles. They do not believe in paying taxes here. - Yeah. - You're an accountant? Can I ask you a math question? - Sure. - Why don't they just call 7/11 stores 18? (laughs) - I don't know, I don't know. - You're not a accountant. You're a model, you're a model for beard color and hair color. When I get home, I'm gonna slap my sister's giant fat face just because you were born. - That's your cause and a lot of trouble here, Damien. - I gotta say, I'm thoroughly impressed at the fact. If you would have said I've been doing this for a year, I thought your confidence, the way you came out, the way you presented, you had to follow Ron White. - Yeah. - And for doing this two times. - Thank you. - I wasn't that funny. - Yeah. It took me a long time to have that kind of confidence and that voice, and so kudos to you, bro. - There's a little gay guy that's been doing it for a year in San Diego. - We fucking bombed his ass off up here earlier. For a second, Mike, you're absolutely crushed, buddy. And for that, you will, Red Band. - I did write a Killtony song. I don't know if you want to hear it, it's a rap song, but. - I don't believe in letting accountants do rap songs. Red Band. - You said you painted wood for your girlfriend, and they're like, black dough dough. Isn't there a lot of black wood in Malibu right now? You could've. - That's what happens when Red Band talks, everybody. - Wow, look at that. - I can't quite hear you. What's that noise you're making for Red Band? - There you go. You deserve it. Buddy, even though it's your second time, and you started strong, and it flailed out at the end, because it's such a good second time, you're getting a big joke, but congratulations. - His second time, ever on a stage in front of 15,000 people, that can only happen on Killtony, by the way. Hello, hello, hello, you know, taking control of mental health can feel overwhelming, but talk space makes prioritizing well-being simple and accessible. Is the number one rated online therapy platform? Talk space connects you with licensed therapists and psychiatrists anytime, anywhere. Red Band. - Just like physical fitness requires regular exercise, mental health demands ongoing care. I know how easy it is to put self-care on the back burner, but taking this step makes a massive difference. Better mental health directly supports physical vertality, build self-awareness, and improves daily stress management. - Yes, it sure does, Red Band. It's a lot like physical fitness, you know what I mean? Talk space therapists provide practical tools to manage life's challenges, build confidence, and master the communication skills needed for stronger, more meaningful relationships. I love how it fits seamlessly into everyone's busy schedule. Removing traditional barriers by making expert care convenient, flexible, and affordable in these wild times that we're living in. With most insured members paying as little as a zero dollar copay. So start building a stronger, healthier mind today by visiting talkspace.com. It is a list center of this podcast. You'll get $80 off of your first month with talk space. When you go to talkspace.com and enter promo code space80. That's S-P-A-C-E-A-Zero to match with a licensed therapist today go to talkspace.com and enter promo code space80. But you know what, we could go to the next bucket pool, but I got a little itch. I'm in the mood to go back to the legends bucket again. I don't know why this early in the show, I probably shouldn't. It's probably a mistake on my part, but all right. So somebody's pranking me, obviously. This can't be real. What a joke. Very funny guys, this is hilarious. But I'll say the name anyway, because it's in the bucket. Make some noise for Tony Hingecliff, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Who's ready for the last bucket night of their lives? [APPLAUSE] Oh my god. What's up, f---s? [APPLAUSE] One more time for the best goddamn band in the land. [APPLAUSE] You know, Keltoni just signed a huge deal with thoughts. Yeah, the show is in great hands until 2028, when we lose all our regulars to the Special Olympics. Hey, what's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait till your 12 before it comes on your face. [APPLAUSE] Guys, want to hear some jokes on my favorite KT regulars? [APPLAUSE] Dedric Flynn moved from the ATL to the ATX, but he's most comfortable when he's robbing white women at an ATM. Black. You know, Dedric is one of my best regulars. We gave him a regular spot after his first minute, and then I realized it was his only good minute. He's like Scam Patterson. Black. Dedric is from Atlanta, which is why he looks like Andre $3,000 in overdraft fees. [APPLAUSE] Dedric is from Georgia like Ray Charles. You know what else he has in common with Ray Charles? Neither of them have seen Dedric's father. I'm kidding. Dedric's father is dead. He was going to get him cremated, but the funeral home said he was already Ashian of all right. That was. chat GVT wrote that. Black. Dedric's been inside more fat white women than O'Zempick. Dedric is from Atlanta. He was conceived when his mom let 10 guys run a midnight train in Georgia. Timmy No Breaks. Keep it going for Timmy. Motherfucking No Breaks. I love Timmy. AKA Andrew Dice Gay. Timmy is the first guy to become a Killtony regular by pretending to be retarded. Timmy has the enthusiasm of a child and the mustache of a guy, you fuck that child. [LAUGHTER] Timmy wears Aviator sunglasses just like Joe Biden because they're both brain-dead morons that everyone likes to laugh at. I'm like me and Donald Trump were both cool strong alpha males that definitely like to have sex with women. [LAUGHTER] Oh my God. [APPLAUSE] News flash, Timmy. If I wanted to see a bad comedian succeed with a stupid fake character, I'd call Adam Ray. [LAUGHTER] Timmy looks like he has Freddie Mercury poisoning. [LAUGHTER] Brian Redban is here. Keep it going for Brian. Motherfucking Redban. [APPLAUSE] The peanut butter to my jelly. [APPLAUSE] Brian, if you're here, who's done at the body shop asking the strippers if they want to do a set on the secret show? [LAUGHTER] Redban is like the Harvey Weinstein of the open mic scene, except instead of a potted plant, he jerks off into a pot pie. (audience laughs) Fat. Red Band loves AI. It looks like he was generated by chat PIG. (audience laughs) Red Band has produced podcasts for me and Joe Rogan to shame his body isn't as good at producing insulin. Red Band, Red Band's vibe can best be described as the one guy who comments on porn hub videos. (audience laughs) Ari Maddy looks like every guy Bruce Willis killed in the die hard movies. (audience laughs) Ari used to do MMA and went O and three. Do you know how bad you have to be at fighting to go O and three in Estonia? That's like being a black guy and losing a big dick contest in Hong Kong. (audience laughs) Sorry, I forgot my next joke. I started talking about big dicks and got distracted. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) And now we get to the man of the hour, the greatest roaster of all time, me! (audience cheers) What can you say about me that hasn't also been said about Jesus, mainly that he's a little twink who will get voluntarily nailed by 12 guys. (audience laughs) We're really doing it. 15 years ago I declared myself one of the top young rising comedians in the world. But no matter how much I rise, I'm still at bottom. (audience laughs) Tony, if we're here, who's haunting an abandoned carnival? (audience laughs) I look like a vampire only bites people with AIDS. (audience laughs) Look at this, two Tony's. Now I can finally leave my dream of having sex with myself. (audience laughs) Every time I fuck a guy I start off by saying, oh my God, we're really doing it red band. Thank you so much, my standards. Wow. I mean, it simply doesn't get any better than that. My favorite comedian of all time. (audience cheers) One more time for me. I'll tell you what, me, why don't you join the panel 'cause there's no one I'd rather have than me up here. (audience cheers) (audience cheers) Oh, my God. (laughs) Wow. We're really doing it, Tony. (audience laughs) It's so good to have me up here tonight. Keep it going for the lovely Heidi, everybody. Whoa, the lovely Heidi. Perfect, my cigarettes. I'm so good at smoking these. Thanks Heidi. Oh, it's not Heidi. Part of being me is having a man put things, attach things to your body. Perfect. How 'bout one more time for me, everyone. (audience cheers) Well, I'm glad I'm here to enjoy the show with me. Let's get to our next bucket pool, shall we? Bucket pool number four. I'm so excited you're here. How 'bout one more time for Tony Hedgecliff, ladies and gentlemen. You knew who the United States of America and God bless, kill Tony. That's true. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're all together. The panel is complete. And now we all see for the first time, the comedy stylings of Pancho Molar, everybody. Here we go. (upbeat rock music) (audience cheers) Every time I grab this microphone, I feel like I'm giving LeBron James a hand job. Any married couples in there? Out here? Nice. Nice, me too. Yeah, I'm happily married 10 years now. To a tall woman so you can clap for her. 'Cause she definitely did it at the disappoint her father. He was expecting Prince Charming and he got me. Or as my mother-in-law says, "The handsome one of the bunch." And she's totally right because the other six are hideous. But my wife is smart, funny, beautiful, fantastic tits. They're my best friends. And there's questions that come when you're married to a tall woman. Like, "Palcho, dude, are you cool with her wearing heels? "Absolutely, why?" Well, because it makes her even taller. Am I doing it? My wife is taller than me when she's on her knees. All the heels do is just make it easier for me to eat her box standing. And I'm really good at it. Most of you guys call it going down on a chick. I just call it motorboating. All right, I gotta cut you off. They're Pancho. Thank you. Perfect. Welcome Pancho. Thank you. You are absolutely adorable. Thank you, so are you, Tony. Thank you, buddy. How long have you been doing? Tony. A both, man. Five and a half years. Wow. What about on your people's years? That's 10 and a half years. What do you do for work, Pancho? I'm a stay-at-home dad. I have 12 animals. And I just get an allowance from my wife because I got it like that. What does your wife do for work? She works in pharmaceuticals. Wow. OK. All right. And what do you have 12 different animals? Yeah, I have six dogs and six cats. Wow. Wow. My goodness. Goodness. Wait a minute. You're a stay-at-home dad. Yeah. You're not very good at it. I see you. Fuck. I got nothing to say to that. That's right. Is your wife a normal-sized human? Yes, she is. She's five foot, eight inches tall. Wow. Holy shit. That's a huge bitch. Yeah. Where did you guys meet? We met on the radio city Christmas spectacular. She was company management, and I was one of the workshop elves. Oh, my God. I just lured her in with snicker doodles. Like, come on. Come on. I got what you need, baby. Were you in the elf costume when you actually met her? Yes. Wow. She's definitely got a fetish. My God. Well, if you hold your breath, will you turn into Winnie the Pooh? Don't hold your breath, poncho. It's so cute. I just want to throw him on my back and break into Lego land or something. Let's do it, dude. I can choke you out from up there. I'm not into that, but maybe this freak. I'll leave you my cell number on Facebook. What made you want to get into comedy? Honestly, I'm a full-time actor, and it just gets to the point where it's just-- you do these auditions, and you're not in control of them. And you don't hear anything back. And comedy is something where you kind of get an instant gratification from people's laughter. And you have more control of it, and it's fun. And I like teaching through humor. Have you been in anything that we'd recognize you for? I've been in lots of TOROT zombie movies, candy corn, a lot of horror movies. Short films. No, right, bad. Those aren't short films. Red band. Those are full-length films, red band. Do you ever jump up and down on your bed until you can grab the ceiling fan and just twirl around like a cemented helicopter? I wish I could. I can. What are some of the advantages to being a little person that maybe us normies don't know about? Well, I mean, let's see. How long does it take you to get frosted flakes off the shelf? Well, I have-- my shelves are at the bottom. I have everything on the bottom shelves. I love it. Everything up there is empty. There's a shelf on your bottom. Thank you. And you're-- you don't have any actual kids, right? No, no. Have you tried? Is that something you guys are interested in or-- I tried with one of my girlfriends and we had to have an abortion at soft. Oh, my God. Do you get a discount if the abortions have size abortions? Definitely. OK. All right. And the dogs and the cats, do they ever-- they act up? What goes on over there with your little zoo that you're running? It's crazy, dude. We've got to put them outside when we have sex. Why? Because one of the dogs has its tongue in my ass one time when I was fucking my wife. And it felt really good, so I was like-- doesn't it? Yes, it does. Yes, it does. That's what they call doggy style. In my world, yes, yes. You ever throw a frisbee in the air, catch it in your teeth, and then jump under a bulldozer? Good question, Harland. Poncho, before I let you go, what's like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life? Well, I was a professional skateboarder for a long time. I was actually the first little person for a professional skateboarder in the entire world. Wow, low center of gravity. It's not a big deal, though, because there was only two of us, so it's like-- Right. Amazing. And I got jerked off in back of a taxi with We-Man. We-Man was with you? We love We-Man. We man's the man. - Wait, can you do that again real quick? Got it. - It looks like a baby chicken trying to fly. (laughing) - I love your island. - Can you do that and run at the same time? - No, I can't. - The chicken noise if you do, come on. - I just do this. (laughing) - Absolutely interesting. - I'm a rooster. - Rooster? - Okay, act like a cock. (laughing) (screaming) - This shows out of control. - Pancho, even though it's funny to give you a small joke book and a medium joke book and say that it's a big joke book, I'm just gonna give you a big joke book, buddy. There you go. Pancho. - Pancho, thank you so much. - Thank you so much, everybody. Great job. - Wow. - Let's just keep this fun train moving along. I'd imagine it's gonna take him a while to get up the stage. Doesn't have the largest gate, if you know what I mean. There he goes, one more time for Pancho, everybody. adorable. That's a full grown midget right there, ladies and gentlemen. Only on Killtony can you see things quite like this. - Never seen an Ewok live before. (laughing) - Love, guv, yub, nub. - So do they talk, yub, nub, guv, nub? - Yeah. - The way you walk? - Yeah. - What does it mean, yub, guv, nub, guv? Anyone know? - We should, we should ask them when he was still up here. - Yeah. - Yub, guv, nub, guv. - All right, we're gonna keep it moving along, huh? - Oh, can a guy be curious anymore? God. - Oh, we're very curious, aren't we, me? - I curious. (laughing) - I love that you're doing an impression of yourself. (laughing) - Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden tick a winner that is one of the youngest ever golden tick a winner's in the history of the show. Some people call him the first ever Killtoni musical prodigy. This is his first ever appearance in LA. Makes a noise for Tony Skar, everybody. (upbeat music) - Folks, this is my fucking dream. This is fantastic. This is amazing. (audience cheering) It's my dream to struggle to pull the fucking mic stand up on an arena, dude, it really is. Jesus, fucking Christ. So I wrote a song about the American Dream. You guys wanna hear it? (audience cheering) ♪ The American Dream ♪ ♪ Is supposed to be to get a life in kids ♪ ♪ And then the voice ♪ ♪ 'Cause every real man known ♪ ♪ The sign of a great woman is ♪ ♪ That she's under 24 ♪ ♪ How 'bout that last bucket pull ♪ ♪ Wasn't that shit great ♪ ♪ Oop-o-o-o ♪ ♪ Charlie Chieft's chocolate factor ♪ - Mommy. (laughing) (audience cheering) ♪ As a kid I dreamed that I could be an astronaut ♪ ♪ If Katy Perry can do it, why can't I? ♪ ♪ So I trained just like she did ♪ ♪ I kissed a girl and I liked it ♪ ♪ Then to get to space I blew a hundred guys ♪ ♪ My upstairs neighbor's dream ♪ ♪ Is to be the best tap dancer in the world ♪ ♪ And my dream is that his little boy grows up ♪ ♪ To become a little girl ♪ ♪ There's a six year old dwarf out there ♪ ♪ Whose dream is to grow up ♪ ♪ Good luck ♪ ♪ There's vegans that spend every day ♪ ♪ Trying to save the earth ♪ ♪ Who gives a fuck ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ You want a lie ♪ ♪ Get a fat lie ♪ ♪ Dream bigger ♪ ♪ Higher your favorite black guy to see ♪ ♪ Nigger ♪ (audience cheering) - I don't got a big bro at five. Come on. ♪ I've done that bit a lot around the country ♪ ♪ I owe a lot of black guys money ♪ ♪ I did that bit in South Detroit ♪ ♪ And they punched me in the tummy ♪ ♪ Two Tony Hinge clips ♪ ♪ All the Williams by the side ♪ ♪ So Tony can sit in the cup chair ♪ ♪ As he gets cookin' a pie ♪ ♪ The American dream can be anything ♪ ♪ So set aside the time ♪ ♪ If I wouldn't have bombed that first fuckin' lie ♪ ♪ I swear that this would be mine ♪ ♪ Thank you, I'm a Tony's car ♪ (audience cheering) - We got there, we got their votes. - Tony, scar, ladies and gentlemen. - Ladies and gentlemen, Tony's scar. - I thought it was great, Tony. You're something else, man. There's just simple things that, you know, you know, no one knows that you're messing up until you say that you're messing up. No one knew you were having a problem with the mic stand until you said it. You know what I mean? - It's fair. - You just gotta fuckin' stay in that pocket. These people absolutely love you. You're a young guy. - Thank you. - We're watching you grow up in real time. - Blossoming. - I love you. - He loves that life. - I love Louisiana. (laughing) - Oh shit. - Dude, LA's been fuckin' awesome. - Yeah. - This place rocks. I went to the comedy store, I bought like four jokes. It was fuckin' great, dude. (laughing) I went to Venice Beach. That was fun, dude. This place is fuckin' rocks. - Yeah, we love it. - Yeah. - Did you see the sea turtle? (laughing) - God, what is your process for finding the black guy in every city to do that? (laughing) - Do you just walk up your legs? - I find the worst neighborhood and I hold out my wallet and then you just wait. It's like leaving bait. - It's easy. - I pay him well. - Yeah. - Okay. (laughing) - How's your love life like, Tony? - My love life is going all right. It's going okay. It's not. It's fuckin' horrible. That's okay. It's all good. You gotta sacrifice some things to chase your dreams and that's one of them where you can't hold down a relationship and be torn and funny. - Have you kissed a girl since being in Los Angeles, California? - Under lip. - I have not. - Is there a girl out there who wants to come get something to get real pregnant? Wanna right there? Come on up, sweetheart. - Right here. - Bring her up. - Hurry up, making fast for the neck. Come on. Come on. (laughing) - She's getting her up there, Colt. She's sitting next to Animal from the Muppet. - For that way. - Normally, I don't think we've ever actually done this in an arena before, but for 13 years, we've had a segment where if someone has an ad, their first kiss in that city, this is Tony, this is her first time in LA. Right? - Yeah. - Yeah, and I'm so glad you picked a woman. - Wow. - Look at this. - Wow. - Go ahead. - Move your guitar. - Make it a good one. - French, French, French. (upbeat music) - Thank you. - Hey. - Take a big jokebook with you. - Yeah, exactly. I'm going to. I'm going to throw one at her. Get her to sign her release. She looks like the type that would sue. - Was that Tia Tiki? (laughing) - Tila Tikiila, that's a good topical reference for me. - You got it. - Tila Tikiila is very topical right now. (laughing) - She died. - Let's get a replay of that. That might be one of the greatest kisses in the history of Kill Tony. - Now, oh my god. - Absolutely incredible, Tony. Look at you. - My husband's going to be pissed, dude. He's funny. - Oh my god. Is that your girlfriend, sir, with a pink hair? No, okay. Fuck yeah. - Absolutely unbelievable. How about one more time for the girl that did that. Where'd she go? - That's great. I love her. I'm in love. - Here you go. - Wasn't she the lead in Two Girls One Cup? - Hey, pink hair. - I could taste it on her. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. - Pink hair, give this to her. Hey, up here. Hey, you dumb slut. Hey. (cheering) - All right, pass it forward, Dua. - Sorry, I'm a little bit stronger than usual. Rogan injected me with big peptides this morning. Joe's got the best peptides ever. - He's my best friend in the world. - I love me, some Joe Rogan. - I love Joe Rogan. - What more time for Tony's Scar Ladies? - I got a couple of things if you don't mind, Tony. - All right, Tony, go ahead. - I got a podcast right now called The Too Soon Podcast where I don't fuck up the lines. - Okay. - That's all right now. I'm on tour right now, golden ticket tour. And if you want to vote on my next song, you can vote on my Instagram, scar comedy. I want to hear what you guys want to hear. - There you go. - Tony's Scar Ladies and Joe, I'm in here. walks out there. There we go. We're going to keep it moving right along. Normally, I would go back to the bucket, but I'm feeling itchy again. I want another golden ticket winner. I want to bring this fucking place down. Down. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. You know her, you love her. She is here in the flesh. Alive and stronger than ever makes the noise for the great Fiona Coyle. [CHEERING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [CHEERING] Alia, I recently was asked to have line a disability Comic-Con. A little redundant. I assumed it would just be like a room full of wheelchair people, you know? I showed up and I was the only wheelchair person there. It was literally a room full of 400 freez. Yeah, so the disability they were talking about, it was autism, right? [LAUGHTER] Dude, I got there. I'm doing my material and I am bombing my fucking dick off. OK, like it's so quiet in this room that you could hear a tail drop. OK, so I'm like scramble and then I start doing crowd work. OK, but I will tell you all, it is impossible to do crowd work to a room of people that will not make eye contact with you. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. I'm bombing so bad that I open this up to a fucking Q&A, all right? And I shit you not a fucking cat in the front row or raised your paw and she goes, "Yeah, why haven't you killed yourself yet?" [LAUGHTER] Oh, right. [LAUGHTER] Like bitch, we don't all have nine lives. Thank you so much. It's a great Fiona Callie. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Oh my god, sing a second Tony, it's so scary. It's like, I feel like a baby sing. It's dad, but that's beard for the first time. I don't like it. Yeah, got it, you got it. Fiona, how's it going? Really good. I did just get to do one of the craziest things. I'm from Nashville. And there's this foot, hell yeah, yeah. It is true. There's a place in White House Tennessee called Zoolander, something, Zootopia, a fucking monkey. Stole my wheelchair? No. Yeah, and monkeys have really big clits. Did y'all know that? Yep, sure. Of course, I have the internet. They also have bubble gum on their ass. Yeah, I'm scared of monkeys, and I didn't know that-- What did the monkey do with your wheelchair, exactly? Well, it was like biting the nipple. Oh, shit. Yeah, and it kept driving it around. And I was scared to touch it, because monkeys are really creepy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There was one that came up earlier during Tony's set and said the n-word, it was crazy, dude. Anything. Is that a grown-eye heard Los Angeles? Oh, OK. Just making sure. Fiona, that looks like a new chair. Is it a new chair? It is a new chair. Oh, yeah, it's still a super handy. Thank you. Fiona, you are just unbelievable. Everybody loves you. They got up on their feet when you came out. This-- you're a huge part of the Kill Tony world. I love you. Everyone loves you. Can I just sit down? Yeah, Gabriel. On top of being very funny and creative with your comedy, you're incredibly likable. You're very just-- there's something about you that just automatically we just-- we love you. Continuous success to you. Every time I see you do this show, you kill it. Keep killing it. And put a lock on your chair for those monkeys. We love you, ladies and gentlemen. The great Fiona Kauley, everybody. Come on. Come on, gentlemen. Great, man. And Jesus. Red, man. That's about one more time for the lovely Heidi and Fiona Kauley, everybody. Back to the fucking we go. Fucking pull. Number whatever. It is Lewis Ooze, everybody. Here comes Lewis Ooze, everybody. Wow, this is crazy. Man, I love doing stand-up. Because after a show, people say really nice things to you. Other times, say things that keep you up at night. Like one night after a show, Lady came up to me. She's like, you're really funny. She's like, you remind me of a lesbian George Lopez. Damn, I don't like how hard you guys laughed at that. No, I'm from Minneapolis, but like most Mexicans, I was born in California. At least, that is what I've been telling a lot of white people lately. Now, but I grew up in a town so small in Minnesota, like I didn't always live in Minneapolis. Like the question I got the most growing up is what kind of Mexican are you? That is a hard question to answer when you are six years old. Because I didn't know if I wanted to be the dry wall kind or the roofing kind. Once I got older, I realized I wanted to become the landscaping kind. Hell yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Luis Oos, ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Luis Oos. Luis, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for three years. Where at? Minneapolis. OK, wow. What brought you here today? I open for the muts. Oh, Lil Momo, hell yeah. How did you meet him? I opened for him in St. Paul after the show. He's like, I don't really listen to people like go up before me, but he's like, you were funny. You were cracking me up, and you got good reactions from the crowd. I like-- I want to bring you on the road. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing. What's Minneapolis like nowadays? We only see it on the news when it's dragging our country down. You know, there is one. There is one benefit to having these nice visitors in Minneapolis, and I was cleaning up with white women on the dating apps. It's been pretty good for me. What's your favorite type of woman, Oos? Blue hair. The real liberal kind. OK. A smurf, as we call them. If they're short enough, I don't want to give them labels. I will. All right. Thank you, Tony. So how do you make a living? I'm actually a metrologist for a pharmaceutical company. What exactly is that? Metrology is a science of measurements. Wow. It is the most boring science out there. Amazing. Yes. How did you get into that? Well, I went from dealing drugs to making them. That's the pipeline. Amazing. Amazing. That's the dream. It is the dream. You have a girlfriend. What's your love life like? It's terrible. I do this. yeah you don't ever get like lucky on the I don't really try, but I mean, I'll take some suitors tonight. -No, no, we already did that, we don't do it twice in episode. -No, no first kiss in L.A. -No, no, but I will show you what you missed. This could have been you. Do you still have the replay loaded up, guys? Can we get that make out one more time that Tony Scar got to have? Just to let you know, this would have been you. -It could have been you. -If you were luckier. -Yeah, that would have been you. -Yeah, that. -I know. -Your Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, and you've got Mal. -I know. Right now, you're jealous of him, and I'm jealous of her. -I could never be a white guy that plays guitar. -I got us, Tony. -Go right ahead, the Great Harlan Williams, 2025 Guest of the Year, Dumb and Dumber, so many great movies, the new hit movie, Wingman. -Wingman. -Oh, yes, my new movie, Wingman, out on May 26th. Please support it, Apple TV, all the streamers. -May 26th in Australia here. Wingman, thank you, everybody. -Oh, yeah, go ahead. What's your question for Lewis? -My thing is, why don't we bring Lady Lavender back up and give him a shot? He is a lesbian. -You wouldn't do it again, would you? -He's a lesbian. -She won't do it again. Now, she's a good fan, but she's not that good of a fan. -Oh. -She could have had a lesbian. -She could have. -Let's go. Come on. -And hold on up a makeup with George Lopez. -A little bit faster. -Yeah, a little faster. -How you feeling, bro? -This is crazy. -You should definitely take your shirt off, bro. -It's about to get crazy. -Take your shirt off. -Yeah. -Get off. -Oh, yeah. -Take your pants off, too. -Take your pants off. -Keep the shirt off while she's making it out, so she can play with your dirty, aerial eyes. -Doesn't it look good? -Keep it out. -Keep the baby in the face. -Come on. Can we get her up here a little bit faster? Come on. Cool. Let's go. -Come on. -Chief is fucking crazy. It's one of the slowest sluts I've ever seen in my life. -You mean slump. -Let's go. -Here she comes. -Here we go. -You're great. You're fantastic. -And in there. -Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? -Motor boner. Motor boner boner. -Oh, my God. -Wow. -Take a sharpie. Take a sharpie. -Oh, shit. -She's going to draw. -Oh, my God. -Katey Perry. -Wow. Look at that. -Wow. -You can keep that. That's an official Killtony Sharpie. You earned it. -Oh, my God. -Now you go home to the show. -Oh, my God. -Now you go home, tell all your friends. You just molested George Lopez. -How about one more time for this girl, everybody? The best things in the world are here in the Killtony universe. -Make a wish, bro. -You're welcome. -That was my wish. I can get deported happily now. -That was your make a bitch. -How about that? -This is the first time in Killtony history that two people contracted HPV. -Somehow I ended up feeling like a whore after that. I don't know. That's crazy. -It looked like it. -Thank you. -Don't be again while your arioles are so small. They look like fish eyes. -I don't know. I got them from my mom. -Good Lord. Give them back. I can smell them from here. -You're killing me. You're killing me. This is crazy. -How did it feel? How did it taste? -It tasted pretty good. -Let's see a replay of it. -No, we don't got them. We don't got them. -Yeah, let's see a replay. -Wow. -Oh, my God. -I think I see some matching tattoos there. -Wow. -This looks like a showdown. -It looks like Red Band when he gets a beef and cheddar at Arby. -She's a trooper. Oh, he's the one that pulled back. -Wait a second. -Wait. Let's go back to that replay. -Let's see that replay one more time. There's a moment where he pulls back. -Lewis. -Much like at the UFC, I want to know what's going on with him. -Lewis. -Lewis. -Look, keep the replay going there. Just go back and forth on him pulling back, please. -Lewis. -I want to talk to Lewis there. Lewis. Tell me, what is going on through your mind when you're pulling away from that sluts tongue? -I was expecting a sensual kiss. I didn't know I was about to be tongues like that. -Wow. -The good shit. -It is the good shit, but I wasn't expecting it. You know, my first time on stage, I didn't think I would be making out with another lesbian. So, this is. -That is so. -That is so. -That is so Minneapolis of him. I didn't realize I was going to be taking advantage of up here tonight. -You fucking. -You little pussy fart. -I'm going to live in my nightmares. I'm going to have. -It's also going to live on the internet forever, so. -We're live on Toobie, bitch. -Lewis, here you go, my friend. There's a big jokebook. -Shut the cat. -You're dead. -Wow. -There goes Lewis. Go ahead. There he goes. Lewis. -Oh, Jesus. -All right. -Wow, wow. -Tony. -Tony, you guys are making dreams come true today. -It is amazing, right? -He's looking comfortable, but I think, you know, he's going to be high-fiving somebody backstage. -Oh, yeah. You just had the time of his life. You can't have fun like that Minneapolis Minnesota nowadays. -Have you ever seen Ariolas like that before, bud? -No, they. -I can't not focus on stuff like that. -They were very tiny. They were very purple. It almost looked like little grapejolly ranchers or something like that. -Look like a raccoon peering out of a dumpster. -You guys think we should go to the Legends Bucket again, huh? -Yes. -Yes. -It's time. -Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Legend, Frontrunner 2026 guest of the year, along with the many other grades. You know me as one of the best specials ever on YouTube. Ladies and gentlemen, it makes some noise for one of our favorites right now in the Kill Tony universe. And one of my personal best friends, this is a return to one of the best comedians in the world. Joe DeRosa, everybody. ♪ Joe DeRosa ♪ -Faust Angeles, how are we? Good to see you guys. I actually went through a breakup recently. I've been self-medicating with Strip Clubs. These are getting fucking lazy, man. They're getting fucking lazy. I had a stripper come up to me the other night. I go, "Hey, how you doing?" She goes, "Ugh, I'm tired. I'm sorry, Miss. Did you just talk to me like a regular woman in the middle of my fantasy place?" I didn't know this was a fantasy nag. I could have went to my mother's house for this, it would have been a lot cheaper. I'm going to be honest, I haven't just been self-medicating with Strip Clubs, been hitting a few massage parlors too. There's only one reason as a man you go to a massage parlour, hand job, hand job, the happy ending, and for anybody in the audience feeling a little uncomfortable that I'm addressing this subject matter, I know what you're thinking, "Oh my God, what about human trafficking? That's half the thrill, God damn it!" You're late and there where your nuts are going, "I could kick this fucking door open at any minute right now." This place is what? But here's the funny thing about massage parlors, no matter which one I've ever been to, it hasn't been a ton in my life, eight or nine dozen, but no matter what city I'm in, they all have the same menu, it's like McDonald's, 30 minute massage or 60 minute massage. Both end with a hand job, so you might be wondering why in God's name would you wait twice as long and pay even more money to get to the same happy ending? It's a great question and I have an answer, 60 minute massage is actually better. It's better, it's more involved, they work the tissue a little deeper, they work the extremities a little longer, you get a full foot and hand rub, sometimes they walk on your back, it's better. They also finger your asshole, now. To me that's the biggest perk of the 60 minute, I think that beats the foot rub is the fingering of the asshole. I was in one one time like this on all fours, like a dirty little doggy wagging my tail. The lady tapped my asshole and she held her finger up and she said, "Sir, inside or out?" That's not what she said. She said, "Oh, so inside or out?" I don't know why they call it a happy ending, nobody's happy at the end. especially. She's like, "This isn't what they said Delaware would be like." This country stinks. And I'm not happy either, 'cause it's expensive. I can't even enjoy the orgasm. 'Cause all I can think about is what I could have spent that money on. Whole orgasm, I'm like, "Oh, there goes an Nintendo Swift!" All right, I got to go, everybody. Thank you for-- Thank you, for listening. Make some noise for the great. Thank you. So, do Rob's hat. Joe, we fucking love you. Thanks so much for doing this and being a Killtoni fucking icon. So many episodes we've recorded this year. You're one of my best friends. I love you, buddy. We fucking love you. I love all of you. Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you for having me. Harlan, you ever been to one of those massage parlors? Uh, yes, and I was so pissed off because the girl, the masseuse, when she laid down and ordered me to give her a massage, I was pissed. Yes. Did you give her a happy ending? He's laughing. Won't you please join him? No, what I did is I've been taking these pills where I don't know how it happened, but I can actually lay an ostrich egg. So I sat on her face and laid an ostrich egg. I don't know, stupid, fat, puffy, veiny, smelly, zit-covered, diarrhea-coded face. Well, he's asking. If he didn't ask, you wouldn't have to hear all this. What do you call a flower soup sucking? Freaks. You're very venomous tonight. I've never heard you be this mean. You bring it out, me, my guy. I know. Yeah. I'm going to have sex with you later. Oh, yeah. You can try, but I made a cork. Me and me can't wait to watch that go down. That'll be, yeah. Joe DeRosa, we fucking love you. I love you, guys. Thank you for having me, boy. You are the man. Thank you, guys. Another great set. Good night, legend. Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa. That thing with the bow tie. What the fuck are you? Did you sign up? Do you have a minute? Yeah. You do? I got to see what you're going to do. Go over there to these people. I just see what the fuck you are. Exactly. Cold. You got this? Look at this fucking thing. You got a camera on this. This is coming up. We're one fucking pool away from this. It's Peeley Sherman. Oh, it's got a little attitude. Cold in its name. Write it down. Send it to me. In the meanwhile, we're going to go to this fucking pool. It is Wesley Brenner. Everybody. Wesley Brenner. Now. Hey, how's it going, guys? My name is Wes. People have told me I look like a genie. If you're the rubbing old dirty ball instead of a lamp. I would come out. You know, but I just asked to borrow $30. Like, instead of granting three wishes, I just take three things away. Yeah. I just drove up from San Diego. San Diego is pretty cool. We have a lot of reaction to San Diego. We've got SeaWorld in San Diego, you know, or as the whales call it, Auschwitz Atlantis. So that's fun. I've been looking into it, though, and I looked at it back in the day, guys. In, like, medieval times. They had pocket pussies. I was looking at stuff. I mean, they called the midgets back then, but they did. They had 'em, you know. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I actually told that joke the other day. And somebody told me that, like, midget is an offensive word. I didn't know that. I guess they don't like to be called midgets. Now, you're supposed to call them little f---s. All right. That's my time, guys. Give it up for your host. Hell yeah. In aggressive set, Wesley Brenner. Wesley, just hold the mic in your hand, pal. Sure. Wesley, welcome, welcome. What are you? What ethnicity are you, exactly? A quarter black, quarter Mexican and half white. And part hamburger. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right here. Wesley, welcome to the show. How long you been on stand-up? Three and a half years. Nice. What vape store do you work at? Vapes R Us. Really? I play music. Yeah, I sing and play the guitar and stuff. Really? You sing? You're, like, original stuff? I have original music. Is it reggae? There's, like, touches on that, you know, sometimes. Can you give us just an example, like, one line of a song? You're in the into it, Dom, right now. You can just jump right in. An original song or just a-- Yes. Okay. Or else you'll set off the "You Too" bus and "Susan." Oh, you are my light. You are my soul rising. You make me shine. Make everything feel alright. Wow. That's pretty good. Amazing, Wesley. Thank you. Did you sing a set? Yeah. Wesley, how long you been on music for? 21 years. You seem very talented. What made you want to start stand-up three years? Plus. Music didn't work out, you know? Why, how? Oh, I'm still here. You know, I'm just in obscurity. You drove up from San Diego just for this? For the couple buddies, yeah. Nice. You look like Whoopi Goldberg fuck Fuzzy Bear. That's a compliment. I like it. No. It is true. What's your favorite thing to do when you're not doing stand-up? Amazing. Wow. That's amazing. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's why you look like Bob Marley's foot at the end of his life. That's where his infection was. A little fun fact for those who do that don't know. Yeah. Amazing. Wesley, when you say you make money doing music though? I mean, barely, you know, but we're paying the bills. Just doing music and comedy? Yeah, right now, yeah. Amazing. How hard is that? What's your living situation like? I'm in a house. I'm about to move into a car and head to New York. So I was going to get smaller. What makes you want to move to New York? Comedy? More of the transportation. I love the subways and trains. So I don't want to drive everywhere. You're going to live in your car and take the train and subway places? Yeah. That's a very interesting method that you figured out. Yeah. The car is going to be standalone. I hope it's a fast car because you look like Tracy Chapman's brother with A. Hey. Can I ask him something like as a singer? I mean, normally I ask comedy questions. Yeah. Go ahead. Go right ahead. Bro, as a singer, and I'm just curious, can I hear your highest note that you can hit? I'm really bad at it, like a falsetto, but yeah, it's going to be really embarrassing. And my voice is going to crack. Do it. I don't even know. How about low? Wait, wait. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. I know you're a train, my little friend. Thank you. I love it. I love it. I love it. Wesley, give us one more other crazy fun fact about your life. I was the one who gave Doug Stanhope ketamine a skankfest. Oh, wow. I actually watched him snort that. And it was in the bathroom with you. He was in the urinal. Yeah. He stepped away from the urinal. He said, Tony, I just opened for you. And then I gave him ketamine. Yeah. I watched him. He snorted it. Not in the bat. I mean, he may have snorted something in the bat, though I wasn't paying attention. However, believe it or not, I don't look at other people when they're in the urinal. But I can tell you that he definitely did do a giant bump off the top of his hand on the other side of the curtain after the guy said his name. So he's like, they're like, ladies and gentlemen, Doug Stanhope. He's like, watch this. And then he went out. He's a fucking real rock star. My favorite. I can't fathom anything like it. We love Doug Stanhope. So you're doing the Lord's work giving him his ketamine. Let's check it with a great fluffy Gabriel Englaceus. The question I think we're all wondering is the person that you rolled up was sent from San Diego. Yeah. Was it the other comic that was up here earlier? No, but my other friend is in the bucket. They got bolts. So hopefully they're going to be out here. Right. All right. Wesley. Here's a big jokebook. Congratulations. There you go. Stay in school. Wesley Brader. Don't do drugs. Guys, your next comedian is not out of the legends bucket. Nor is she a regular. Nor is she a golden ticket winner. However, she has somehow, and I mean, by good reason, she's one of the funniest comedians in all of Austin and Los Angeles, California. And has the most viral joke, perhaps ever, in the history of the show. She's here. She's back again. You know her. Make some fucking noise for the great. Christina Marionni, everybody. Hi. Thank you. Yeah, thanks. A lot of people don't know this. about me, but I'm Italian. I'm from Italy. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. I feel like Italians were a pretty likable group of people. Yeah. Which it's weird how much more likable Italians are than Germans. Right? Because we both kind of did a pretty bad thing. But Italians were more likable even though we were both. And I think it's because I think it's because we have pizza. I think Italians, we have pizza and Germans. That's not how they use their ovens. Mom, that's the spicy juice. I think I tend to date other foreign people. I get along with people from other countries more. We just have a vibe. My ex-boyfriend was Indian. So yeah, I really like that he was Indian. We got along in a lot of ways. I think the only thing I didn't like was how hairy he was because it's okay. I'm Italian. We're hairy too, but he was he was a lot hairier than me. But I never said anything. I loved him. You know, it's fine, but you know how Instagram can kind of hear your thoughts. So I saw a video on Instagram and it was of the squirrel putting mayor in someone's body wash. I know it's pretty fucked up, but I tried it. But it's okay. It didn't work because it turns out you got to use it. And he cheated on me. So he really was a stinger. Thank you guys, thank you. The great Christina Mariani. Christina fantastic set. How do you feel? Good? Yeah, thank you. Yeah, you really have an Indian ex-boyfriend. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, no, I don't. Is it? Yeah, I can't really picture that. Oh, well, did he smell? I think I'm just petty. I think that was more what that was. He was fine. Is it? Yeah, perfect. Yeah, thank you. Gabriel, is this your first time seeing Christina? I want to say that I saw your set online. Oh cool. We're a ball cap before. Yeah. I did. I wear a hat a lot of the time. Thank you. Thank you so much. It means a lot. The extremely famous joke of crossing. Oh, yeah, the wallet. Thank you. Thank you so much. I got a lot of I've been on tour and stuff that really helped being on Killton you. So thank you for the opportunity. Indeed, she is a rising star. I think superstar. Make some noise one more time for the great Christina Mariana, ladies and gentlemen, making her into it dome debut. I have a feeling knowing her and her trajectory that she'll be back here real soon. All right, the show's so wild that if I see somebody that looks interesting in the crowd, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. And this person looked very interesting. So I'm going to bring them on stage. They said they had a minute prepared. Let's see how it goes. Make some noise for Mario Bosco, everybody. Oh my, how the fuck are we? I gotta tell you, I took an Uber here. The guy shows up, rolls down his window and he starts yelling. He can't take me. And I was like, why not? He said he forgot the car seat. It's crazy, right? But I do have some exciting news for you all. I got a call today from ABC TV and they want me to be your next bachelor. Yes, they told me to tell you all to tune in this season on Nickelodeon. Come on, guys. Wake up. Imagine me your next bachelor. I have stacked man with the kind of voice a tranny would kill for. Speaking of voices everywhere, I go. They call me man, man, man, man. I was in Disneyland. The guy goes, hey, man, you forgot your purse. I said, yeah, fuck you. Keep it. Somebody asked me backstage why am I like this is because my mother got drunk in Disney World and had sex with Mickey Mouse. Maria, you went over your time. I love it. You good set. Rock solid. Look at you. I don't even know where the fuck to begin. The most impressive thing for me was the fact that you got yourself on stage. That's true. I was here today online for four hours. Like a mama Luke. I thought you're going to show me scars. I'm like, no, don't do it. Had a wait online today. Like a, like you know, how do you feel after doing that? Like a civilian. What? How do you feel right now that you've done that set and you got yourself up here? Amazing. I love that. That's awesome. Fuck you out. You crashed it. Mario Bosco. You're Italian, huh? That's right. Brooklyn. Wow. Brooklyn, New York and look at you. What brought you out to LA this week? I do a lot of shows. I'm a comedian nine years actor, say actor 40 and I open up for a friend of mine. Little moments at L. You also open up for the mom and you're just sitting in the crowd by yourself. That's incredible. There's two gentlemen's gave me a ticket to get in here so I could try to sneak on. I love it. It actually fucking worked. That's funny. Little Momo's like get him in the front row. Tony sees this fucking thing. He's probably going to drag it up there. Little Momo got two fucking openers up here tonight and he's not even doing a spot. That's so funny. Mario, you look like the trainer who had the monkey that tried to eat Fiona's wheelchair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You look like a photocopied him to yourself. Okay. Like a fucking mama Luke. Okay. Get it out. Mama Luke. What is a mama Luke? I've heard that. I'm not a Luke. It's like a guy from the neighborhood that's just like just stupid cheap motherfucker. You know, he's a mama Luke. Yep. Can't take him. Can't take him. No place. Have you ever heard the term pork you pine? Porky pine? Yeah. Yeah. We have a couple. Well, surprise. You are one. Oh, thank you. It's my trademark. Have you met the pug? Had I met the pug? No. You two should get together later and do a children's book. Oh, lovely. Thank you. Mario, I think I think it's overdue at this point. I got to ask you have like what is it like Benjamin Buttons or some shit? No, I was born with a disease called pin hypobuttuitaryism where a doctor gave my mom cold medicine after her water broke and left me like this. I don't know. Kill Tony. Fuck yeah. You're killing it. That is incredible. How old are you? Can I ask? 53 years old. 53. Wow. I gotta tell you, you are the youngest looking 53 year old. I've ever seen it in my life. That is incredible. What do you do for work normally in real life? Just show business. Wow. Write jokes in the day. Go to the city. Do shows all over Manhattan. Get on planes. Come to L.A. baby and rock it out. Mario, I love your energy. Obsessed with you. How many both times do you have? About 250. What the fuck? About 150 jackets. Holy shit. You're the real love it. You're the real deal, Mario. So cool. Thank you. It's amazing that you got yourself on stage from the audience. I don't think that's ever happened before. No. That is a very rare. You gotta do it. You gotta take chances in life, right? That's nothing. And I gotta tell you, you dress the part, you wore the nice jacket, the bow tie, the fucking everything. You got your ass up here. That's that is 40 plus years in show business. You tricked my ass. I thought I had it all figured out, but here I just got played like a fool. And you made the best of the opportunity and you made the show a little bit that much more crazy and original. So thank you, Mario. Here's the here's a big joke book. Boom. Thank you, Mario Bosco, everybody. I want to buy candy from her. This place is about to go apes shit. You guys want to go apes shit? I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A man who is absolutely dominated 100% of the time that he's ever been on this stage. He is without a doubt one of your favorite comedians in the world. I truly believe. I truly believe, listen to what I'm about to say, that this man is on a nonstop trajectory to be be one of the. biggest arena acts in the history of comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a man who one day will be a citizen of the United States of America. >> But for right now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is all he has to. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Hello. >> Everybody drinking tonight, huh? >> [APPLAUSE] >> Thank God, I hate sober people. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Listen, if you're sober, just don't come out. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I don't want to see your ass at my party. Just walking around, remembering what happened. >> [APPLAUSE] >> She's making memories. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I need everyone to be fucked up at my party. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Nobody remembers shit. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Who's raping who? >> [APPLAUSE] >> That's what happened to P.D.D. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Beautiful Hollywood party, banging bitches, baby oil. >> And then somebody was sober. >> [APPLAUSE] >> And an empire fell. >> [APPLAUSE] >> All of my friends are alcoholics. I trust them. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I need to see behind the facade for me to trust you. I don't care who you are at 10 a.m. I need to know who you are. Twenty-two shots, deep three a.m. >> [APPLAUSE] >> That's when men start saying shit like, you know Hitler. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Now I know you're cool. They have the best stories. If you're sober, what do you talk about? Perfection doesn't resonate, mistakes, too. >> [APPLAUSE] >> What do you talk about? All right, well, I had a full rem cycle on my whoop, on my whoop. >> [APPLAUSE] >> My friend Joe DeRosa, absolute animal retarded alcoholic, the best stories. He went to New Orleans for a comedy festival and got blown by a trend in the bathroom. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I bet that doesn't happen at the run club, does it? >> [APPLAUSE] >> What do you guys talk about peptides? My friend is banging men. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I love fucked up people. >> [APPLAUSE] >> You know when you're at a party and you see just a sea of hammered people, everyone's moving and grooving. >> [APPLAUSE] >> And then you see that one guy in the back, you know, the guy, the sober guy with the water, you know, this guy. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Just hydrated and sharp. >> [APPLAUSE] >> That's the rapist. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Thank you guys so much, I love LA. >> Thank you guys so much. >> Don it again. >> The great Ari Matty. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Truly all the time showing who the fuck he is on this show. One of the hardest workers, one of the biggest writers, non-stop writing. Crashed into him, ran into him at the pool, we're staying at the same hotel, ran into him at the pool, writing. >> Just constantly facing the notebook, constantly doing, outworking everybody every night when everyone else has one or two spots. He's doing five or six, there's no coincidences in this world. You hear about the fucking Kobe was practicing all the time. You hear Jordan Tiger was putting all fucking day. And then you're a perfect example in this comedy business of hard work pays off on top of being naturally funny. >> Thank you, I really appreciate you. >> Yeah, and it is true, we do drink a lot and have a lot of fun. >> I've become a degenerate alcoholic after Mundo America and I've gained some. >> Hey, by the way, everyone in the comments, don't you think I know I'm getting fat? You don't think I've noticed, dude, I've gained 38 pounds on the dot after Mundo, two years, 38 pounds. I look like shit, dude, I feel like shit. This country's trying to kill me, fuck, dude, I'm on the road. I'm jacking off in weird hotels, oh my God, things are pretty bad, but fun, but fun. >> Yeah, you've been to Cracker Barrel, yep, my guy. >> A Cracker Barrel, I have not, I've seen the logo. >> Yeah, you got to get in there, you'll add an extra 30, which I got the reference. >> A lot of greedy on country fried steak and whatnot. >> For me, what do I think about Ari Maddie? >> Ari, you're killing it, you've been killing it for years. You came over from Estonia, you brought your swagger, your pants. You've got that cool Estonian bracelet on your neck. You're starting to look like Ellen in her final form, but you're a beast. >> Thank you Tony, Tony. >> I love you, you're welcome. >> We have some fun in Austin, don't we? >> Man, I was at the, dude, I was at the, being on the road, you know, so tough, you're always lonely. I was at that hotel by your saw me, where by the pool. So yesterday, I hear one of the most exil, when you stay at a lot of hotels, one of the most exhilarating things is when you're over here, people fucking. >> Yeah. >> Or domestic violence, whichever. >> Yeah. >> Sometimes both. >> Sometimes both. >> Sometimes both sound a lot alike. So at the hotel, I don't want to say the name, because it's a nice hotel, but still. >> The Quinta. >> Yes, the La Quinta, well, La Quinta is where you hear domestic violence and other things. But I was, so I was walking by the, in the hallway. And you know when you like, so I go for my coffee, I go for my coffee, I hear them banging, banging, banging, I hear them banging. And it's kind of like performative, like I'm skeptical, I'm skeptical. I'm behind the door, like this, this is fake. I go for the coffee, I go for the coffee, I come back like 15 minutes later, still going. Now I know this is fake, 15 minutes, sure. >> So, yeah, what is the guy gay, not already. >> [LAUGH] >> Okay. So then, I go to the pool, and I see three giant black men. >> Okay. >> Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, it gets interesting. I'm very interested, three black men, I'm interested, I'm interested. >> 'Cause they- >> They take the elevator, I ask what floor? They go 11, I'm only 11, are they coming for me? >> So- >> Boys. >> And so, we go to the, they are next door to me at the room where this is all happening. And I figure out, they're shooting porn at the hotel room next to me. >> Oh. >> Oh boy, and then, I don't know what it is about LA, but the devil took over. >> [LAUGH] >> It's me day by the way, next, I put my coffee down, I put the blinds, I make it dark. I get my iPad out, I put it on mute. I start watching porn while next to the wall, like listening. And I'm like jacking off watching the iPad, just fucking, come all over my feet, my toes, the hotel carpet, let's get to a clip. >> [LAUGH] >> You don't have it, you don't have it. >> Man, in the shame you feel, you know, when you're just with an iPad, just. >> [LAUGH] >> How's that for VR Brian? >> [LAUGH] >> Never done that before, it's a, it's a new one. >> So, yeah, something about LA just gets the darkness out of me, I don't know what it is, dude. >> It is incredible, darkness in you, darkness staying next door to you, it's everywhere. >> [LAUGH] >> Ari, you have done it again. What an imprint on this show, what an imprint. >> I love you guys so much. >> Ari Maddy, ladies and gentlemen. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Let's get another bucket pull up here, we're running a bit long, but I like it like that. You guys having fun out there? >> [APPLAUSE] >> How about up in the upper pool, how's the upper deck doing? >> [APPLAUSE] >> Big fan noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, it is Joseph Garcia, everyone, here we go. What's up, y'all? My name is Joseph, fun fact about me. My mom had me when she was 16. Anybody else, Mexican? This used to be Mexico, that makes sense. Completely checked out. Every time I tell someone a team mom growing up, they give me the same reaction. It's always a white person, they'll corner me and they'll be like, "That must have sucked." And yeah, I get why someone would say that, that's an enormous response. But I don't know, man, I like that shit. I thought it was pretty sick. 'Cause when you're around 16, you don't have to listen to her. What? I liked it, bro. Yeah, just be realistic, bro. 'Cause imagine having a team mom. I wanna try to ground me growing up. She'll make me go to your room, you're grounded. You go to your room. Grandma grounded you first. Yeah, you should listen to grandma. 'Cause grandma's like 33, she's. All right, that's it for me. Thank you guys so much. Joseph Garcia, a lot of numbers, a lot of ages, lock on on there. I'm gonna check in with me here. Joseph, what's your love life like? Well, I mean, that's not where I would start. Okay, that's a little bit deeper. That sucked, Joseph. What's going on? How long you been doing stand-up? That sucked? Yeah. Oh, no, my dream. Like about seven, eight years now? Oh, we're out. Yeah. Out here in LA. Where? Where do you live? Where do you live? I'm from San Ana. San Ana. I'm from Orange County, yeah. You live in Hollywood now? No. You live in Orange County. No, so I stay in the Inland Empire, but I have to travel up here a lot for comedy. You stay where? Inland Empire. Okay, so that's the answer. That's where you live. That's where you perform. Got it. Yeah. All right. So, Joseph, what do you do for work? I just do this and I do music production. I make beats for rappers and stuff like that. So, that's pretty cool. Uh-oh. Joseph, your LA, it seems through and through. At least that's what you're claiming. Give us something about your life that'll make this arena love you. This is LA. You're in it right now. What's a redeeming quality about you that'll make these people love you? All right. So, you asked about the dating life. I'm not good at dating, dude. That's not good. That's not good. That's not good at it. I'm just not good at it. Like I hooked up with a chick recently. And the first time we were hooking up, she tried to get me a dirty talk. I learned I'm not good at dirty talk. She whispered in my ear. She was like, "Yeah, you like that?" I didn't know what to say. I was like, "I'm just happy to be here." Okie dokie. That's crazy. Gabriel, you got anything for this guy? I thought he was from San Diego. [ Laughter ] He does have San Diego energies. San Diego energy. Someone find Andrew Ridgely and get this way of mass out of here. Oh, I love the way of him. You are, William. I am, William. Yeah. You don't like the haircut, Harlan? I love it. I want to take you to the beach and rub you all over a starfish. [ Laughter ] Just if I'm going to save you, I'm going to get you out of here. There's a little joke. There he goes, everybody. On to the next one we go. I'm going to cleanse the room. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a full-time former regular of the show. He is a member of the Killtony Hall of Fame. He is on top of being one of the best, biggest touring comedians around. He is also, literally, the best roaster, other than me, in the show's entire history. Back here, where it all started in Los Angeles, California. I present to you Killtony Hall of Famer the Great. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. The world is fucked up. And a lot of people are blame it on the president. But I think the biggest problem that's plaguing the world is that fat girls have way too much confidence. [ Cheers and applause ] Like I missed the good old days when fat bitches would walk by you with their fucking head at the ground and shit. Now these holes walk by you with their fucking head in the sky. It's like, "Hey, look at the ground. You all past me. What the fuck is that?" I hate that shit, bro. You got a fucking coddle fat bitches feelings. You can't even call them a fat bitch no more. You got to call them shit like curvy or voluptuous or a BBW. But if you see a fat guy, it's like, "Look at this fat piece of shit." It's delusion. I hate it. Fat girls go to Lululemon and buy the biggest pants they can and pull it a butt, they fucking belly button, then put a fucking halter top on and have one that's a stomach showing. It's like, "Bitch, I still see that fucking gut." Like imagine if I did that shit. Imagine if I came in here with my pants above my belly button and I had a cutoff shirt. Y'all gonna be like, "Call the cops on this nigga." What the fuck? But I do love fat girls. I think my favorite type of fat girl is a fat girl that lost a lot of weight and she got that loose skin. I love them fucking loose skin bitches. I took one of them loose skin bitches to the swimming pool and she started swimming. That bitch was in the pool looking like a stingray. It was. Oh my god, look at this bitch. You ever tried to fuck when them loose skin holds from the back, bro? Spreading out her ass cheeks is like spreading out bat wings, you know what I'm saying? I thought I was holding an endangered bird. I'm like. Throw in a fat girl. Throw in a fat girl with loose skin on your bed. It's like folding out a blanket. You know what I'm saying? I don't have a fan on that bitch going to start floating. Get the fuck out. All right, that's my time, y'all. Hall of Famer, legend. You've seen hundreds of his sets. And he's back in LA with us where it all started with them. It's two gay digits, that's crazy, right? When you get fuck, he feel it, that's you. And meanwhile, you're the size of three gay people. Tony, yo ass hole look like Joe Rogan's ear. Nigga, yo fucking. You got cauliflower ass hole bitch. I'm surprised you even know what cauliflower is with your history with vegetables. I bet you know what a cucumber is ain't it bitch? I do, I do it in some of your business, but I do it in it. Fucking Mexican Ryan Seacrests over here with the fuck. I'm not going to take that Odo Beckham Carl's junior. You look like Tony before he moved to Austin, nigga, yo. You look like b-bop a rock steady. Oh the high on file, two of them stupid ass vests. I hate them fucking vests. Nigga, let me say they bullet proof, man. It's a very expensive vest. I'll have you know. Deal no bullet at you, niggas. Oh my god. Bring it on. Tony look like the type of nigga that go to sleep on a t-shirt with no bottoms on. I love sleeping like that. Unbelievable. That's how you swim, right? I'm kidding. He can't swim. Tony pranked his drowner so he can get mouth to mouth. You get mouth to mouth to fucking meatloaf. You look like the bouncer at Jurassic Park. More like Jurassic Dark, am I right? Y'all niggas look like y'all taste test the new lollipops. Bitch, get the fuck outta here. Look at Harley. You look like one of them preachers. They get bit by rattlesnakes then pray it off. God got me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I had to wake him up. I almost forgot. The greatest roast rivalries in the history of Pilktony. Harlan Williams versus David Lucas. We've seen this before. Old arch. Nemesis. Yeah, black guitar. White throws all looking ass and running. Well, well, well, if it isn't the lion, the witch, and the water burger. You're the only guy in the world. Everyone else to that is a plaid shirt for you. It's a picnic blanket. This guy's going to go into a park later and eat a seven-course meal off his own shirt. This is the only guy that drives around Austin in a shitty old car. But he calls it a BMW because the only time anyone sees is that a burger king McDonald's and what? It's hard to roast this old ass nigga, fucking diamond Dallas page looking ass. What the hell's on your head, lift that thing up, that fucking thing, there'll be a zebra's asshole on the back of your head. There we go, there we go, boy. Have you seen that movie, "Eat, Pray, Love, You're the Sequel," E-E-E? How the fuck I'm supposed to roast all three of these niggas, man? This is the only guy in the world who steps on a landmine and the landmine goes underground. We gotta turn it up for these niggas, we're gonna fuck you, Harley. It's hard to roast your old Canadian ass. You look like a preacher rooster, nigga, get the fuck up. Harley Williams, somehow, summons being a roast god anytime David Lucas is in front of him. I think this is the only time he really go hard is when I blame my black ass up here. That's right, buddy, look at you, holy fuck, you're like an orange Julius that got tagged. What are you sucking on, is that? A vape, nigga, you want to hit it? Yeah, give me a hat, it's the only guy in the world that vapes and it tastes like fucking Thanksgiving, dude. What do you think it tastes like, Harley? Tastes like it was in your ass. What the hell is that? It's called fucking fab, you old niggas. It's called what? Fucking fab. Did you call me old Anne? Yeah. I'll screw you, fat honky. I won't blow a smoke ring, but you'd probably think it's an onion ring, and he's the fuck it's that. Oh my god. The roast master right here, man. It is true. Love you, bruh. David, come on, it's the most fun showdown. Is it possible to roast that, nigga, bro? He's a fucking character. He don't give a fuck how his hair look. He just come up here. He is like Rocky Balboa when he got that new Corvette, or Thunderbird, whatever the fuck it was. I hear you're in the new Star Wars. They've created a new character, Jabba the Pizza Hut. Fluffy, say something, god damn, help me out, nigga. No, you kidding me, this is all, man. I'm waiting for you to take shots at me. Yeah, you look like a Mexican turkey ready to go in the oven, bitch, yo. They got that nigga injected with Tahim and Chamoy. I got to roast somebody else, nigga, this is gonna Harley destroy him, you know what I'm saying? Dude, you got so much gravy dripping out of your porridge, you can roast yourself. Oh my god. Harley makes me hot, fuck you, bitch. He is the only one that ever stumps you. I've never seen anything like it in the history. It's like 145 punches landed for Harley and like 14 for you. I can never get this thing out. Nobody is the only guy to have an advantage on you and he literally has your number, which I think is 575. Is that your weight? Hell yeah, it is. David, whether it's you crushing or setting other people up like this to win every single fucking time you're on this show, you elevate it. Yes, which is incredible. He just rubbed his head with the fucking grocery store receipt. And I just wrapped on my first feature, bro. They saw me on Killtony and Shit, bro. It comes out of October, man. So like, whatever you feel about us, bro, Tony is really making stars out of this bitch, bro. He wants everybody to succeed. Damn right. Hell yeah, man. I love you, make some noise one more time into it, for the Killtony Hall of Famer David lights out Lucas. All right, the only guy in the world who has underwear, large extra large and bouncy house. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like it's going to be good as fuck. Makes the noise for Greg, the blind man, everybody. Greg, the blind man. Hey, how's it going? All right, am I facing you guys? All right, all right, all right. Hey, how's it going? Nice to see you all. Yep. Forgive me if I fuck up up here because I'm pretty fucking high, man. I am. There's no secret. I like to smoke weed. I do. I'm going to you guys out there like to smoke weed. Raise your hand. I'm going to you guys raise your hand to a blind man. That's fucked up, man. Hey, but the weed be fucking with me sometimes, man. It does. Just like the other day, I got really high. I got so fucking high that I thought I could see. I thought I had my fucking vision back, man. I got so excited. I ran to go tell my wife. Run right into a fucking wall, man. My wife will come in. She's like, what's all the commotion? I'm like, I thought I could see. She's like, damn, Greg, again. But I do want to leave you with one thing though. Very important. If you guys ever live with someone blind, there's one thing you guys should never do. And that's to leave a fucking plunger in the toilet. Try to explain that to the doctor. Thank you. My name's Greg Garcia and I go by the blind man. Greg Garcia, the blind man has arrived at. Welcome, Greg. Thank you. Have you been blind your whole life? No, I've been blind for 14 years already. What happened 14 years ago? I just lost a sight, diabetes. Wow. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand up? I've been doing it for like about two years, two and a half years. Yeah. You love it. I love it. You know what? Doing it got me out of my depression from going blind. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Beautiful. I know what you're saying. After was, it's the best medicine ever. That in weed, you know. Are you based out of here? Los Angeles? No, I'm from India. From the, oh wow. California. Look at that. Way up there, huh? Yeah. In the desert. Yeah. Yeah, it's down there. Yeah, it's it. Okay. You guys ever heard of it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for, what do you have it, what do you do for work, Greg? Is that a crazy question? No, it's not a crazy question. I drive, I drive for Uber. You got me. Yeah. Uh, I just think my came out the window and I just, I will be walking home tonight. I love it. How about your wife? How long you been with her? Uh, 34 years. 34 years. Wow. Amazing. You guys have kids? We got three kids and I just, uh, brand new grandpa. Yeah. Whoa, look at that. Excited about that. I love my little Juju. I call it Jujubee. Yeah. 34 years with your wife. You ever wish you were deaf? No, you know what? She's, she's a good woman, man. She's a good woman. She's a real good woman. I love her to death. She stood by you through it all. That had to be quite the process. Still by my side, even when I lost my sight. Yeah, she's stuck by you. Either that or she has really quiet sex with another man. Right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Where else? What was the last thing you remember seeing? Good question, me. Thank you. Yeah, that is a good question. I think the last thing I seen was me naked. I didn't know. I was a gone blind, too. Yeah, that sounds bad, you know. Do you read Braille? Huh, no, I don't read Braille. I can a little bit, but not that good, yeah. You ever walk up to Pimpley face teenagers and read their face? That's funny, no. Greg, was there something that, like, you loved when you had diabetes, that you just couldn't give up? Were you addicted to four locus or something? Like, what type of diet? I used to like to drink a lot. And I couldn't ever put down the sodas. Yeah, I loved it. Yeah. You still drink sometimes? Okay, you need to say every now and then, but I've been keeping my health, you know, pretty good. Yeah. Do you ever eat seas, candies? Funny. Oh, sorry. You forgot the drums, did you? No, we can't. Thanks, Michael. Michael, thank you. - Amazing. - Amazing. - Greg, you fucking crushed up here. You're so funny. I love your story. I love how you're doing things, man. - Tony, it's very funny. Tony, Tony, Tony, I got something for your base player. I brought him a little something, man. - Okay, yeah, the great D-man is over here. - Yeah. - Representing two blind guys absolutely crushing on stage tonight. - I know. I love what he's doing. He's a real inspiration to the blind people out here. Holding it down right here in your set. - Yeah. - With Kill Tony. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah, man. - Yeah. - Big kind of his. - Yeah, sir. I got him a little device. I called it the Blind Man device. Pick it up at a store. It's always an ice breaker. It's always a conversation. It's something like this. (horn honking) (horn honking) So I would love to give him something like that. You know? - You got it. - Yeah. - I'd like to give it to him. I'd like to see him meet him right to eye. I can't. - Well, I got news for you. He's 15 steps behind you. Heidi, come on out here and introduce those two. Pretty magical moment. - Hey, who's this? - That's Heidi. - Heidi. - That's not D-madness. - Okay. Are we going somewhere? - Even though they do both have a Juicy S. - Sorry. - I think Lacee is ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. (crowd cheering) Fuck yeah. (crowd cheering) D-madness is a legend. Have a one more time for D-madness. He is indeed a hero to blind people. Hell yeah. (crowd cheering) They're about to shake hands and there it is. (crowd cheering) (crowd cheering) - Greg the Blind Man Meeting D-madness. (crowd cheering) - Get this honky away from me. (laughs) - This motherfucker. - All right. - Should we bring the girl up to kiss him? - What? - Nothing. - I forgot. Here's a medium joke book. - Oh, that was close. - That was close, everybody. - Right off Heidi's hot tit. There goes Greg the Blind Man. One more time for Greg the Blind Man. Everybody. (crowd cheering) Let's have some more fun. I'm going to bring to the stage the greatest golden tick a winner in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. You know him very well. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen, is here live in the flat. (upbeat rock music) - Hey. What's up? What's going on? (crowd cheering) Okay. Sick. Ever, ever a hot box to rule me out. I tried to buy my garage by turning on my car. (crowd laughing) Didn't work like I thought. It was difficult. But, still got fucked up. So, it's all gonna matter. Okay. I want to have corporate magic in my act. Literally saw a woman in half. The magic is modern medicine. Let's see the saver. Okay. (crowd laughing) Okay. If I had a title of Shane, find a title of Shane. I go back and die. And I want the story comes out. He's a baby Hitler. Everybody's like kill a baby Hitler. I'm like, convert him. Get him on your side. You know? You can get a lot done. A lot of being. Okay. That's a fucking great premise. Convert baby Hitler. Why would you kill him when you couldn't fucking utilize him? Yeah, okay. Have him kill the Germans. He sounds good, right? Martin, I love this get up you have tonight. Is this your LA fucking attire? Yeah. I'm sorry, he is in the building. Have you been having fun this trip? I've been okay. Why, why do you say it like that? What happened? They told my car. Oh shit. I know. I just were at the parking sign. I scanned the app. And I couldn't pay after 3 p.m. So I thought, oh shit. Free parking after 3 p.m. But turns out it means to mean after 3 p.m. It's a damn. Yeah, that's an LA experience. It's just getting your car towed. Did you have your handicap placard? Dude, I respect it at all. And there's the fucking city. You know? Damn. I always make sure I put that shit out. I always make sure I put mine up. And then I try to walk like you away from the car. You know? You can't do what you gotta do, you know? But, you know, Tony, I know. This is for Netflix. It's a joke and why not? So, oh yeah, again. I want to pitch. Another movie idea of mine. Yeah. So, this movie is either a launching company or it could be a porno. It just depends on the direction you take it in. Okay? Okay. So, that guy, it starts out. This guy, he's cleaning his grandpa's basement. And he finds an old book. And he can't. He can't decipher what the writing is. And he tries to say it out loud. And it turns out it's a book of spells. And he turns his cat into human. And the human, it's like a hot chick. So, then he's conflicted. Whether you should have sex with this new hot chick. Because he also knows it's his cat. And, you know, in the end, he got to gain confidence. And then sell all of that. He learns it's not to go in there. And then, because he almost tries to fuck his cat anyway. And it's cold. And it's cold. That's too pussy cat. Wow. I just got worried. They just towed your car again. Because of that. No, Martin, you're fucking fantastic. You're an unstoppable force. We love you. Did you have any other movie pitches or anything? Like the movie "Everybody Except" is the president of the United States. What'd you say? "Everybody except he becomes the president." The United States of America. Because, you know, that's not the constitution. All right. I think Martin's on. I think Martin's on ketamine tonight, everybody. Sure. No, we love you. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Doing the "Into It Dome" in Los Angeles. We love Martin. Guys, we fucking did it. There's only one comedian left. Are you guys ready for it? Unfortunately, the great William Montgomery again couldn't make it tonight. However, there is one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. You know him and you know him well. He's a man who ever since his first appearance on the show is absolutely dominated. And he has his own ruleset where he gets to basically do whatever he wants to do. An unstoppable force that sells out all over the world after his appearance is on Killtony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a force of nature unlike anyone else in the history of the show. Here to close this out tonight, makes the noise for the one and only. Timmy Dobry! Make some fucking noise, Los Angeles. Sit down, sit down. What a beautiful night. What a beautiful group of people. I'm so excited. We are here to celebrate the best roaster of all time, me. And I will be conducting the official roast of Pound Hingecliff tonight here. Live on that foot, well, maybe not on Netflix. I did not know Adam Ray was essentially doing the same fucking thing. Start the time of Reban. Look, we could have done this in a lot of different places. We really could have. But tone chose, then, to a dome. Because when tone's giving dome, he's into it. No, seriously, this guy's fucking more bubbles than the Crunchwrap Supreme. Boom. Reban knows what I'm talking about. Look, it looks like a ventriloquist dummy. But when he put it a hand in his ass, he just says, "Incredible." He's gay, he's a gay man. Tone is a queen. He looks like if a drag queen fucked a big queen in the bathroom of a dairy queen in Queens and get burnt to a drama queen whose first words were, "Yes, queen." Remember when you took that from me, motherfucker? That was fucked up. Speaking of fuck ups, Reban is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, this is my impression of Reban having sex. Oh, fuck, you woke up. Pretty good. Big pop. Big pop. Guys, give it up for fucking Heidi. She's been doing a great job all night. People talk shit about her, but I fucking love that bitch. I mean, people say, "Blawns are dumb." I don't agree with that. Heidi scored very highly on a STD's boom. Oh, and be sure to check out Heidi and Valerie's new show. I think it's called a "Skankfast" boom, they're horst. And let's not forget "D-Manness" everybody. The fucking legendary "D-Manness." "D-Manness" is blind and black, so he definitely has not seen his kids. Let's be real. Let's keep it real. On that note, and this is also real, I was told Kevin Hart was going to be here, but you know, like "D-Manness," he didn't show up. So, "Harland Williams, you will be Kevin Hart for the rest of this roast." So, short and black, I call him David Lucas's life expectancy, boom, double black road. Two black guys, one joke. Kevin has to get on his tippy toes deep pushing, okay? Not because he's short. You just have to be extra quiet when you're cheating on your fucking wife. Okay, so everybody on this day, tonight sent me their jokes, they want to do 'em as part of the roast. Kevin, you sent me a joke, so I'm going to have you go first, give it up for Kevin Hart, everybody. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Where my black people are? Where my white people are? Where my fat people are? That one was for David Lucas. Okay, so I got to read this. Okay, yeah. Yo, ho, ho, up, ho, up, I'ma be 100-week, y'all, I ain't never seen a motherfucker kill like that. Give it up for Timber. Hey, yo, check it out, let me talk my shit, look at this hot dog, skin motherfucker. You know, if Tony getting a dick suck, he'd have tapped the motherfucker to be like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, let me show you how to do that." Thanks, I wrote that. You know, Tony's actually called Red Bad, you little red ass motherfucker, Tony, why are you red? Does growing ass black men like you make you nervous? I didn't write that on. Hey, Tony's face baby, looking like asswear's Gucci, more like Gucci, Gucci, goo, little baby fat face looking ass motherfucker. Thank you, I'm Mark Norman. That was incredible, I mean, that was so good, Kevin, very good job, one more time for Kevin Hard, everybody. All right, your next roaster is known for licking his fingers after he takes the shit, give it up for fucking Red Band, everybody, make your love for fucking Red Band, wake the fuck up. Make some noise, make some noise. You know, I spend a lot of time doing VR, vaginal rape, make some noise, come on. I had to marry an Asian woman because her squinty eyes can't see how ugly I am, make some noise. Every time I leave this strip club, I have stains on my pants, but it's from the buffalo wings, and other guys, come, make some noise. This crowd sucks, guys, to bring this to close, we have one roaster and I think you know who it is, he looks like a jazz dancer who invented jazz hands, he is literally celebrating, and this is true, his 19th year doing stand-up comedy. I am talking about the one and only Tony Hinch clip, he is going to show us how it fucking done tonight with the jokes that he sent me, he's going to close it out, everybody on your fucking feet for the cake. Thank you, Timmy, you made a big mistake giving this hungry wolf the mic, let me show you how it's done, red band club has high ceilings, red band, you're not supposed to give your ceilings weed, again, okay, okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the, again, go shut the fuck up, let the king work, shut the fuck up, this is all written by Timmy Nobreak, ladies and gentlemen, so play along, everybody, okay, I'm going to try out one of the roasts from the Kevin Hart thing, here it goes, Kevin works out, too bad his movies aren't also having enough success so that people consider them to also be working out in the same sense as his exercise, guys, give him another chance, he knows he's going to get it back, guys, give him another chance, Timmy Nobreak is here, love that guy, bring, bring, hello, Mr. President, what, there's the food shortage, because red band ate all the food, so there isn't any left, all right, now we're going to do a 30 minute Q&A, who has a question, Timmy Nobreak, everybody, he produces his own segments and writes everything, guys, I have nothing else to say, that was really bad, I thought it was going to be a lot better, you're the fucking best, I have so much fun with you, stay KLA, fuck yeah, Timmy Nobreak, ladies and gentlemen, and what a way to end tonight's episode, I'm going to hand for the guy with a mop that's looking around with a flop, running around, he's the hero of the night, did you guys have fucking fun tonight, huh, so long episode, how about one more time for Teddy Swims, Jelly Roll, Dietrich Flynn, Ron White, fucking Tony Hinch, clip, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, this is Adam Ray, everybody, Dr. Phil, everything in between, the great Adam Ray, Kilt Tony, Hall of Famer, Fiona Cali, Tony Scar, Joe DeRosa, Christina Mariani, Ari Maddie, David Lucas, Martin Phillips, so many greats tonight. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful guests of the year 2025? Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. >> Woo-hoo! >> Don't forget Wingman, Wingman, May 26th. >> Streamman, you're going to love it, Wingman. >> Thank you, Tony. >> And how about one more time for one of our fucking favorites, front runner, 2020, 26 guests in the year, one of the best of all time. Gabriel Englitz, the Slade is a gentleman. >> Woo-hoo! >> In case you guys are wondering where I was, I walked the blind guy all the way to his cart. >> [LAUGH] >> Let's check out the art from our artists, that's local artist, Ryan Jeybelt drawing all the way from the beginning of the show, and the great Chris Rogers from Austin, Texas. We did it again, Red Man. It's great being back in L.A., I miss you guys, fucking love you, thank you so much. >> We love you, we miss you, come see us again. Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th, Austin, New Year's Eve. Tickets going on sale for that soon, Dallas, Houston, everything. We love you guys, thank you, good night everybody. [MUSIC] [MUSIC]