#779 - ADAM RAY

Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the GoldenPony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBam, come to you live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Killtony, get over it, TonyHingeCliff! Who's ready for the best fucking day out of their lives, huh? You made it, welcome to Killtony, the number one live podcast in the world. How the fuck are we doing tonight, everybody? Very exciting stuff. How exciting. How many of you traveled here to be here tonight? Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas. See that? Look at that. Remember, I mean, these ticket drops are incredible. It's amazing that people travel from all around the world. It's amazing. How exciting. What a beautiful crowd we have here tonight of different shapes and sizes of white people. Very exciting. Where's my Latinos at tonight? They're a lot of Latinos here? Yep, always a lot of Latinos. What kind of Latino were you, sir? Mexican. Perfect. Anyway. There they are. How about a hand for the Mexican portion of the band, the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Soza, Tres Leches, I call them with Michael Gonzalez. They are Wabo Sranceros tonight. The great Dave Share joining us on guitar, I know you're wondering, how did Matt Mewling grow all that hair? It's not Matt Mewling, it's Dave Share. The great John D's on the keys behind me, the leader of the band since November of the year 2020. And believe it or not, that guy with a bass guitar right there, that is de-madness, ladies and gentlemen. An amazing show we have for you. You came on an absolutely perfect night before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You can be a little piggy this August, 7th at August 8th and watch Killtony Live from Madison Square Garden on our own independent live stream, Holy Moly KilltonyLive.com. That's where you go. You can watch both nights live. These episodes will not go on to YouTube. They're never going to be a normal Monday drop. If you want to see these live Madison Square Gardens, you have to watch the stream. It's available for replay, if you buy it for a few weeks, I do believe. And you can have an option of getting merch bundles as well. So go to KilltonyLive.com, get tickets this Thursday at noon to watch the live stream, August 7th and August 8th. And if you're a real big kid, get on an airplane and join us live, August 7th and August 8th, TonyHingeClip.com for those tickets and get the stream afterwards to watch again. What you already saw, boom, mind blowing, pigs in the blankets all day. We'll see you there, KilltonyLive.com this Thursday at noon. I love it. All right, before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Killtony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad free and uncensored. You're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. In the description or go straight to Killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to KilltonySupercast.com. All right, back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, sometimes I have three guests. Sometimes I have two guests. When things are really, really, really good, I just have one guest. Tonight is one of those nights because we like to let the show breathe a little bit sometimes with one guest. It gives us all more time to do what we do best. When I say a great guest, I mean, I'm talking about the only two time Killtony Hall of Fame member, the multiple time, the only multiple time guest of the year in Killtony history. You know him from so many great episodes, including the biggest episode ever in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of only four living members of the Killtony Hall of Fame. This is the one and only, the undeniable, the force of nature that is known simply as Adam Rape, Adam Rape, Adam Rape, Adam Rape, Adam Rape, Adam Rape, Adam Rape. And now the Adam Rape show is on Netflix every Friday, a new episode drops. I mean, I feel like it really, the big boom, I have to say I have to take some credit in your wild success. You have to. Because I feel like we don't have to, but go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Question, the last few years, I mean has just been fucking unbelievable. I remember the new years, I think it was a New Year's Eve episode, which you were Dr. Phil. Happy New Year. It was Nicole, yeah. And then Dr. Phil, I had to use some real networking to have him bestow upon you, the guest of the year that year. Yeah. It was weird to get emotional watching that. Yeah. It's okay if I cry watching him, be like, congratulations, you're, it's finally, you're getting famous by being me, you fucking dirty Jew bag or whatever he said, I forget, he didn't say that, but he said something. But to watch you get the credit that you deserve as truly one of the best comedians in the world, means it's a bad, love you guys, thanks for all the love. And my wife is five months pregnant. Yeah dude, fired up. You were clapping for her obviously, all I did was go, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. That's me coming. The dad, the dad is not Red Ben, I know some of you were wondering if you had anything to do with this, but no, fired up man, you never thought I'd be a dad, but very cool. They'd be great if it was me, if I was secretly the dad and the baby comes out just, how long? Makes some noise for me, I'm a baby. Oh my God, can you imagine like, yeah, like 20 years if the child comes on the show, you know? Oh, it's gonna happen. Oh God. That baby might be in the bucket tonight. Anything can happen here, Adam Ray is one of the most elite, perhaps I could say without any hesitation, the most elite guest in the history of the show. You know that over 200 God feels like even more tonight, is it about 200, we hit three tonight? Probably 300, close to 300 names in this bucket, feels very girthy tonight, filled to the top. That's just how I like it. Sick and nasty. Yeah, I'm probably going to keep my baby away from the show. I was 50/50, but that just secured it. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, you guys know what happens, they get 60 seconds on the Noreptid, you know, their time is up near the sound of a kitten, I mean, they have to wrap it up then else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Red band, 13 years on the job, still doesn't know what fucking button the second button is. It's the second button. You might think what is it, the 17th queue of the night, nope, number two. You might be wondering how long, 13 years, again, did I mention 13 years? Every Monday, never missed an episode for 13 years? Yikes. I'm going to let this woman who's definitely been human trafficked by this Mexican guy next to her, pull the first name out of the bucket. She nervously dropped it because she wasn't expecting me to guess that she is being trafficked right now. How does he know? But while we go wrangle that first bucket pull, I got news for you, I know I'm hyping up a lot of things. I mean, guests of the year, Hall of Fame, this, that, I'm telling you right now, kicking off the show tonight is my favorite lead off hitter on the show's history, a golden ticket winner that absolutely just wins again and again and again. You know him. You love him. Truly. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show for you. on this special episode, make some fucking noise for the one and only Martin Phillips everybody. So, okay, okay, cool. Back, back when I used his subs to do it, well, my first assignments was special at the end of the year, the whole day I just kept saying, "No seriously, I'm the teacher." You know what I mean? I know what we're all thinking, but, uh, take a look, okay, cool. That's it. Okay, you know, when I was in school, in sex, they taught us how to put a condom on a banana and they really gave an end to you when I fucked up an anna. I, I just told it out brown spots, so I was like, "Don't want any of that." You know, but, but you don't need a condom for an anna and has a peel already. It's, it's good to go, you know, I'm supposed to put two on, you know. So, okay, that's it, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Martin Phillips has done it again. Welcome back, Martin. Thank you. You look fantastic. I love that shirt. A guy in South Florida. We know. I know other cities were going to be guest. It's Trapp Morty. Trapp Morty. Okay, I like it. Trapp Morty. What has to happen for you to become the shirt version of yourself? Like, I was, I hang out with Dad Trapp Morty. I hang out with Cam. I didn't know we're black people. Yeah. Yeah, we put that together. Yeah. Okay. I love it. A face tattoo would do you good. It would be like, "Hey, my disabilities are down here." You know, and I mean, it distracts everyone from what's going on. It's it's that distracting. You know, yeah, it's began. I love it too. Okay. Martin, you're wearing a backpack. You know, I brought, you know. I was like, "No, it will happen. It will always be concerning when a guy has a book that I put." I brought, I brought something for everybody. Oh my goodness. Not the audience. Because I always, always forgot my dog. The always forget I have a dog. You always forget my dog's name. So I totally forgot you had a dog. I need to do a t-shirt. That's for me? Yeah. Wow. I can't believe you got it in my size. What the fuck? I'm guessing that first one's for red bands. You're all really talking thick. Okay. You grow into it. Let me see that one. What is that? That one's rainbows. Oh, I love it. Oh my goodness. That's for red bands. That's a very cool shirt, Martin. Absolutely. Did you have the banana you fucked in that backpack too? And this is for Michael. Sorry. That was RFK. That wasn't Martin. Sorry. Go to Prussian. Do they only come in 5x? I know. I look out of it. I get it, but it's the thought that counts. It is. It is. I love it. Absolutely incredible. They're literally heavy. They are, if you're wondering how big they are, they're. Oh, that's killed. They are heavy. I love it. Very sweet. I think I'll say a little something in there. Oh, okay. I was shaking. I was shaking. I'll go ahead. No, we're going to wait until you zip it up. I know you're waiting for us to look the other way, but we're not going to. Hey, thanks for book that. Martin, thank you. Martin, how often are you giving out gifts? Like that was a very shiver thing. It's my first time in being gracious to you, asshole. That's great. No, it's great. I can't wait to wear this shirt. You can wear it to bed. Yeah, I know. Oh, totally. I absolutely can't wait. It will definitely be at home and it'll be on a big off day, for sure. Yeah, close the windows, lower the blinds. Turn off all the lights. Aren't you on like the 30th floor anyway? I've been doxed everybody by my own. I help these people. All I do is help their lives, all their careers, and then what do I get in return? It was like, I'm not 30 at the floor. I'm stuck in a pressure deny that. How dare you. I bought the 30th floor. Did you just say, was that your impression of me? How dare you? So, yeah, I kind of, I was going for it. Oh my god. Yeah, absolutely unbelievable. I could you sweat more? I know. What's going on? I swear, it's hot in here. It's not. It's literally 76.6 degrees. We keep a thermometer here on this stage at all times. I guess that is a little hot, huh? Yeah, dude, they can't do sendy ones. 72. That's, look, that's acceptable. Look, the AC costs a lot of money, and as you know, Joe Rogan is really struggling nowadays. It is tough. Spotify only gives him hundreds of millions of dollars, and he doesn't want to spend any of it on keeping you dry. I'm always like in a state of moist, well, it's some kind of wet. I don't know. That heavy, heavy sweater. I don't know. It's very unfortunate. Speaking of a heavy sweater, people can get that at their merch at martinfilah.com. So, six extra doubles. Winter jackets. Heavy sweaters available. This Christmas. Martin Phillips merch. You should make shirts of that. I mean, I don't want to tell you how to live your life. It's not my, it's the dudes. I can't steal his idea. Just ask him if you can get them, or I don't know. Okay, yeah. I would buy the dog thing. Do you buy the dogs? Do I have to answer now? Or can I get back to you? Yeah, I'll wear this. Yeah, but that's very cool. So you could buy a little bit of the sweat up with it, you know. It's like an implorant out right now. Yeah. You're thriving. Martin unbelievable way to get the show started. You love you. Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. And to the bucket we go, this is the heartbeat of the show. As you know, anything could happen. It could be the next great talent. It could be an insane person. Anything can happen. It could be an old person that's been waiting decades to be discovered. It could be someone that started just a couple months ago that's a prodigy. It could be good. It could be bad. Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Chin Way. Here we go. What up, y'all? I got some jokes. Just the other day, this, I pulled a fast one on me. Maybe I just came early. I was 13 when I saw my dad's dick for the first time. Looks lost more than it feels. Y'all know those cigarette rolls called black and mild? Never liked that name because blacks are not mild. I never understood how my grandparents can be so racist. How they can see color. Have you seen the photos back then? Just earlier, this homeless guy was asking me for money. In my head, I thought, God bless you, because I'm not going to. Well, that's it. Well, that's it. Chin Way, welcome, welcome, our first bucket pull of the night. So when you say blacks aren't mild. I like to think it was a compliment. Uh-huh. Do you have a lot of black friends? One in Austin. What's his name? Chris. Where did you meet Chris at? Chris Brennan. We worked at a barter. Chris Brown. No, no, no, no. That doesn't count. We worked at a bar together. You worked together. So you didn't really like find this friend. You were assigned to work with him. You did not have a choice in the matter. Yeah, yeah, I know. I would have seek them. No, no, I'm joking. I'm joking. He's a cool guy. Chin Way, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About five years now. - I took a real long break. - Was the break about four and a half years? (laughing) - Apparently, huh? - No, it's all right. - Why'd you take such a long break? - I got a little distracted, actually. I got working on a site project. - What was the site project? - I wrote a movie. - Okay, what's the movie about? - But I actually wrote with Redbannon, Adam Ray and mine for, you know? - Oh, reducing it. - Oh, you want them to give you money to make this movie after you just did that set. - And make all the money from it. - Okay. - Do I have to answer an hour? Can I sleep on it? (laughing) I got to wear the shirt tomorrow. I got to do a lot of stuff, so. (laughing) - Maybe you'll want to sleep on it? - Yeah. - What, do you mind if we, I would love to get into a picture? - Let's get into a picture. - What is it called for? - Rush hour four. - So it's gonna be called-- (laughing) - My friend Chris is black, so that would actually work out. - Yeah. - But, it's either called "Ala-ha-ha." - Ah. - Or "Talaband." - Ah. (laughing) - It would have been cooler if you said we're gonna do two girls one cup of the sequel. (laughing) - What, okay, well, let's not let the title, let's not judge a book by its cover. What's the premise? Give me like a couple of log lines. - We're thinking about two cancel comedians, ends up in the Middle East. Finds out that "Talabands" are more of their audience than Americans. And as the war comes to an end, they're stuck in a struggle of democracy or fame. And I thought of it as a sequel, I could be like, "Ala-ha-ha-ha." (laughing) - Wow, you're already working on the sequel. (laughing) - I misjudged you, I'm in. (laughing) - I just nutted all what I thought it was gonna come back with. - It's actually a lot of heart in it. - That's cool. - I like the thing I'm making fun of the right things. - Yeah. - No, no. - We just saw that in your set, yeah. (laughing) - What do you do for a living, Chen Wei? - Right now I'm laying epoxy garage floors. - How did you get good at that? - I had a bar guess, that was a regular. And you're like, "You wanna fucking lay garage floors?" I'm like, "Yeah, you know, why not, right?" It's like a cool guy. - Okay. (laughing) - I'm from working with hot chicks, we're working on laying in hot floors, you know? - Okay, when you don't see any hot chicks anymore? - Oh no, I see, I'm just all Mexicans in it. - Oh, okay. - You don't like Mexicans? - No, no, no, no, I mean, I like their food. - Okay, he likes your food. - Fucking around, no, none of that, none of that. - How old are you? - How would you think I'd look? - Fun game, let's do this. - Okay. - I am Asian. - Say the end? - I am Asian, so it's wide range. - Well, since you want us to guess your age, I'm guessing you're a 23 year old female. (laughing) - I'm guessing 26. 26. - Oh, I kind of want to price his right $1 everybody and say like 45, but I think you're-- - 26 wins, 28. - Wow. - Yeah, baby. - Wow, you just named all the lucky numbers. - Tiger style. - Incredible. - Tiger style? - Wu Tang. - You're the tiger. - Oh, okay. - Wow. - Alright, man, whatever. - You're Spotify, it's wild. What was the last time you were on stage? - I was on kill 22 years ago on August. - How did that go? Tell us about your last-- - Oh, one great. I ended up kissing a Cougar. - Ah. - Tiger style. - To the secret show. (laughing) - Oh, played. - Well played. - Me a little tiger. You got a little tiger? Very good. That's a leopard, but we'll take a shit. - Tiger's one lower. - Very, yeah, that sounds like it. - That sounds like something that would make out with this fucking guy. - Thanks. - Yes, absolutely. What is your love life like, Chen Wei? I can just picture you eating pussy for days. I mean, you look like a guy that you would have to, you'd have to fucking-- - All I do is bang, you know? - Tell us about it. (laughing) Tell us about it, Chen Wei. What's your big pickup line when you like a girl? What do you say to her? You seem like the kind of guy that literally gets all the pussy. - Which way, Chen Wei? - No way. - No way. - You really do that? - No, it never works. - Oh, yeah, yeah. Foot pickup lines, I think he was referring to. Do you have like a, how do you break the ice? - Or break the rice in your case. - Damn. - Let me ask you this, let me make it easier on you, Chen Wei. When's the last time you were with a woman? - To find a whiz. That's a weird answer. - Yeah. - A couple months ago, but I think it was a drunken mistake. You know, whatever, I'll be that mistake. - Okay, so you were drunk. - Be all right, everyone was drunk. - Everyone was drunk. - Yeah. - And take us through it. Was this a bigger girl? Is that why you're saying a drunken mistake? - Oh, no, no. I think I was her drunken mistake. - Oh, yeah, that makes sense. - Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Unfortunately. - Unfortunately, not me. So, take us through it. Like you, you guys were drinking, you're having fun, and then you go back to your place. - Did you take her to, you go to her place? - Then we got drunk, we took a waymo, we made out, and then. - Where'd you take the waymo, too? - Back to her place. - Her place. Now is there a reason why you didn't want to go back to your place? - No, no. - You have like a race car bed. - What's up? - Do you have a race car bed? - I wish, dude. - Probably crap. - I don't want to bring it up. - With damage, heavy, heavy bumber damage. (laughing) (triumphant music) - Oh, I reckon even my bed, how do I reckon my bed? We all such a bad driver, I reckon my bed. - All right, all right. - I were having too much fun here with you. - Thank you. - I've been holding back my Asian impression. I was able to last seven and a half minutes. It's a new, it's a new man. All right, so you go back to her place, and what do you, what do you remember about her place? Do you remember anything weird? Did she have like perhaps like one of those things hanging up in her living room that zaps bugs? - No, it was all great, you know, and then-- - It was all great, that's a sad thing, it was all great. - It was all great? - Everything was all great. - Great, it was all great. Okay, his Asian accent really sneaks up out of nowhere. He speaks really good English, and then all of a sudden-- - It was all great. It was all great there. - I thought my Asian accent was offensive, and then yours, my friend, a whole new level. - It was all a gravy. It was a great, it was a great. - See, okay. - So it was all great, her place was great, the sex was great. - She was great, we didn't get there. - You didn't get there, where did you get? Did you make out with her? - Yes. - Okay, take us through that. How long do you think you made out before? Where do you think it went wrong? Did you like do anything weird? Did you do something with your hands? Or is I like to talk as I call them with Asian men your haunts? - No. - You have a famous Asian comedian named haunts here. - I like to think I didn't pull a haunts. - Okay, no, go ahead, what did you do? - Yeah, what's your move, like you guys? - It was made out-- - Yep. - Every red light, but to be fair, she might have been wager than that. - Are you sure it was a red light? Because you guys, I had to tell you, when you're behind the wheel, red light, green light. - I can't even deny that, I don't know. - I thought it was a red light. - It's a whamble, why'd you wait for the red light? - That is a great point, red band. You know, once every 45 episodes or so, red band will just be an absolute genius for just a moment. Sometimes you really crack a case. Why would you wait? You might be disrespectful. - So about that movie. - Oh, a red, the right. Perfect time for the keys. I think what Tony's getting at is like, what's the move? 'Cause making out a fit is a great way to initiate whatever, that maybe things are gonna continue down a fun path. So how do you take things up a notch once you feel like we can only make out for so much longer? - Can you make the question a little bit longer, Adam? - No, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. - Granton, nothing really works all the time, but Adam will work the most. - Yeah. - I feel like usually if you give a girl a head, that's a pretty green light to go home. - It's a green light. - Yeah, I didn't really follow that, so you, okay. - I feel like, you know? - So you make out to the point to where you're like, it's time to eat your pussy, and then, and then I'm gonna get back in that way, both of us. - Keep running outside, because I knew this was gonna be quick. - Yeah. - Great, yeah. - Have you ever asked a girl, have you ever just been straight up with a girl and gone, can I eat your pussy? - Yeah. - Wow, I wasn't expecting that answer. It was a set up to a joke, I was gonna do, but I'm surprised, it never works? - No. - Wow, yeah. - Have you ever asked a girl? - Can I eat your pussy? - Wow, a woman just said no. That is incredible. - Is it a day? - That is incredible. - I don't think I would ever refer to a potential mate as exhibit A. - Oh, well. - Oh, no. - Yeah. - Okay. - Yeah. - So now, so you've been doing comedy for five years off and on? - Mostly off. - I've been a little distracted with like, skirp riding, I'm kind of trying to transition, but who would you, who do you see? I know you said red band in myself. [LAUGHTER] So I'm gonna hear you over all the disrespect. There is disrespect, I heard a specific lie about there. There was a specific, there was a guy that was cackling at your transition to script writing. He literally went (laughing) It was amazing. One more time, please. I don't know, what was that question? I was gonna say, you know, you mentioned Red Man and I, but who is like your dream cash in the suit? Yeah, by the way, thanks a lot, asshole. What the fuck? Yeah, everybody, well, I wrote a movie for the band Adam. I didn't know you were feeling Tony, but we would love to have you, man. Oh, you would love to have me. Wow, thank you. I think I'm a little busy. (laughing) Now it's great. I spent way too much time with you. The time has just flown by with you, Chen Wei. You are a fun person to interview. What size jokebook did you get two years ago? I got a small one. Well, guess what, my friend. This time you're getting an extra large t-shirt from Martin Phil. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. For the first time in the show's history, the first person to ever win a triple XL t-shirt. Oh, my goodness. Absolute history being made here tonight. What's going on? Why do you still have a microphone in your hand? You want to say one more thing? One more thing. Okay, what is it? I just want to get a shout out to my friend. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This ain't the shoutout show. But it's fine. Chen Wei, put the mic. All right. Okay, what's the shoutout? Now I feel bad. Go ahead. His name is Zorbergation. He wrote the movie with me. Okay. All right, Chen Wei. Get the fuck out of here. There he goes. Chen Wei, everybody. Luckily, his accent went crazy with doing that shoutout. I would like to give his shoutout to Zorbergation. I'd also love this. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, there she is. The first lady of Killtony, the lovely Heidi, everybody. I'd also like to shout out my seventh great PE teacher, Mr. Tangon. You were the first one to believe in me. I think you're dead. But fucking, I'll check it out on Facebook later. To get better. Shout out to all the gym teachers. Oggy Diamato. Shout out to you. Rick Rezatar. Rick Rezatar. Yeah. It's a real guy. Those were my gym teachers growing up. Fill me up, Philips. I know you molested everyone except me, but that's all right. Mr. Rezatar. I never forget that name. Rezatar. We didn't take a while. These sincere moments and just make it super creepy red bed. But I'm sorry that that happened to you. It didn't happen to me. That's all right. Well, that's where the person would say who it happened to the most. Picture this. A neighbor waters your plants during a long trip or a doctor takes the time to personally call you with test results. It may not seem like much. But to me, when someone goes that extra step, it leaves a lasting positive impression. You who does that with me? Red band. When hiring top candidates can do the exact same thing to stand out from the crowd. On Zipper Cruder, job seekers have the ability to share in their own words why they are generally interested in a role. Oh, wait. And Zipper Cruder has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first. So you meet the right people faster combined with powerful matching technology that binds top talent quickly. It's no wonder Zipper Cruder is the number one rated hiring site based on G2. Try Zipper Cruder and meet great candidates will go the extra step for your job. Did you know that four out of five employers who post on Zipper Cruder get a qualified candidate within the first day? Try it for free today. Zipper Cruder. Meet your match on Zipper Cruder. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool. I know what this audience is feeling. I know that was an Asian comedian. We just had up there. What if I were to tell you you're about to get another Asian comedian? Your next bucket pool. We know him. He's a comedy store guy. I believe now he lives in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for our pal. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. With a brand new minute. Here. I'll show you. I moved to America from China 10 years ago. Now that I'm a real American. I love bacon cheeseburgers, Ford F-150, and reporting Chinese immigrants to us. What I also love about America is I go use public bathroom here. I don't have to squat down, I just sit in the hole next to five naked Chinese dudes. What a country. There's a product here for sale on Amazon. It's called Squatty Party. It's a little stool you put under your toilet. It lifts up your legs, makes you squat while you sit on the toilet. For 29.95, you can feel like you're a shitting in a Chinese prison. Thank you. Bang, chow. Like if someone injected chin away with testosterone in jokes. Welcome. Truly representing the Asian community. Very good job. This is not a man that took a four and a half year break out of his five year career. Fang Chow has been going hard for how long now? 12 years. 12 years. We're at the comedy store 12 years ago. My correct or was that you started in China? Yeah, starting in China. Born there. Yeah. At the store 12 years. Yeah. Amazing. And you live in Austin now, right? Yes, sir. For how long now? Two and a half years. That's what I would have guessed. Absolutely perfect. Love the material. Great stuff. How's life been, Fang Chow? Good. Very good. Tell us more. Give us a break it down for us. Fall in love, got a hot girlfriend. How long has that been going on? Two years. Two years. Yeah, I got to come here every single day. Oh, my goodness. That's why I'm America. Wow. I just, in your women's pussy. Oh, my God. Look at you. It's an American girl. Yes. So it's all white. What's her name? Exhibit A. It's a call back to the other. Right. We're going to cut this out. It's Combo B. What's her name? Combo B. Her name's Combo B. No, no. Combo B. It was trying to be funny. Caroline. Oh, nice. Nice. Would you guys meet? Where do we meet? App. Ooh. I love that you just say the word app. Yes. That's amazing. Good. It almost seems kind of suspicious. Almost seems like it is suspicious. What was it? Uber Eats or something? What's going on here? That's incredible. Oh, yeah. So it's a big dating app. Bambo? Bambo. Yeah. We love Bambo. I love it. So that first date, what did you guys do? We went to eat pie. Oh, nice. We went to eat pie. Tiny pies. Anyone know tiny pies in town? Tiny pie. It sounds like another Asian bucket pool. I might pull it. I'm trying to get a tiny pie, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, I'm tiny pie. Me, I've so many jokes. Yeah, it's good. We had pie and, uh, yeah, I asked her out again. She's like, yeah. Do you remember what kind of pie you had that magical night? Great question. Me, Keyline Pie. Oh, good pick. We love Keyline Pie here. That is Red Band's Pie of Choice. What's your favorite pie, Adam Ray? The world wants to know. We've had you on so many episodes. I've never gotten a chance to ask you about your life of pie. Probably, uh, classic pumpkin, you know? Okay. Classic. Yeah. Maybe Apple, if I'm getting crazy. Sure. You're having a rhubarb. Ooh, rhubarb. And a nori-- rhubarb. Northern Ohio, delicacy. You really were molested. Rhubarb. Who says rhubarb? That was one of our gym teachers. Yeah, Mr. rhubarb. Rhubb. Rhubb. Rhubb. What's her name? She was a lesbian. We call her rhubb. Rhubb. Do you remember your gym teacher's name here in the great country of the United States of America? Or did you spend most of your schooling in China? In China. Okay. How old were you when you moved to America? 25. Okay. What was the biggest culture shock when you moved to America? What was the thing that really blew your mind the most? Uh. Other than the lack of uh, leaky laboratories that you had in China. At least in global design. Like of squatty parties. Uh. You love basketball? I bet. I bet basketball is it. I do love basketball. What is the biggest thing that I think? There's too many choices here in America. You go to like a big fucking supermarket. Mm-hmm. You go to like a fucking supermarket. You got like 50 kinds of cereal. You're like, oh, yeah. That's why I moved here. Yeah. Cereal is out of control. What's your cereal the choice, Adam? Um. When I was a kid, it was cookie crisp. But it's also what had tits as a fifth grader. Yeah. I mean, a bowl of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. Hey, mom, can I borrow your bra? Um. The only cereal with criminals on the box. Oh, yeah. The head. White robbers. Very rare to find in public, easy to find on a cereal box. - Yeah, I frosted flakes, I loved a lot. You know, one of my first jokes, and just remember this, I did an open mic. I would, you know, so poor when I started out and I had frosted flakes cereal a lot for dinner. And I remember having frosted flakes for dinner one day and I was singing this on stage and I go, I was having frosted flakes for dinner tonight and super poor, whatever. And instead of, you know, the slogan is they're great. But as I was eating it in my head, all I heard was, I'm sad. - Right. - And it got, it actually got way more laughs here than it did then, but yeah. - No, yeah. I had frosted flakes for dinner many a times. And I gotta tell you, that is the-- - Still would. - You've heard of weedies is the breakfast of champions. - Yeah. - Frosted flakes is the dinner of single moms. That's what that is. You had a single mom, then you had frosted flakes. Where am I? Who was raised by a single mom out there tonight? - Dude, keep it going for single moms. - She's very sad people. They all raised their hands instead of clapping. - What's your, do you have cereal? What's your cereal? - I very rarely eat cereal, but when I do, believe it or not, I am an oatmeal guy. Some people say that I eat like a horse. - Are you sure you're not a fruity pebbles guy? - Whoa! Whoa! I'll put it in your cocoa crits. If you keep talking naughty like that, I'm gonna put a condom on my banana. You know what I'm saying? Fung Chow. What's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas before we get you out of here? As I watch you go, right, from Los Angeles, we were in LA together. You were working at the comedy store. I remember it all so clearly. And now you're here. You're a real Texan. And I'd imagine for a sweet little Chinese boy like you, it's a little bit different. - I am sweet. - Yes, you are. - Sweet and sour, sometimes. - Extremely sour. - I love buckies. - Ah, good answer. - Me too. Can't get enough. - Yeah, super gas station. - Yeah. - I'm American. - Well, guess what, my friend? It's funny you say that because the great bones I, who makes all the joke books, and they're available for sale at Kilmerch.com, just so happen to make a custom buckies, big joke book, Kill Tony. And guess what, my friend, you're getting it. The great Fung Chow, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on social media. That's F-C-8080, right? Yeah, the great Fung Chow. Known him for over a decade, time flies in this crazy industry. I'll tell you, this looks like a new name to me, everybody. Different handwriting, there's some quotations here, there's a lot going on here. Make some noise, is this big, big, I believe it is. It's either Billy or Big. We're gonna say Big Ed 90 Day. Here he is, Big Ed. Everybody. (upbeat music) We know this guy. (upbeat music) Well, Tony fucked up my name. (audience laughs) So, a lot of, I'm Big Ed obviously. So a lot of people call me Big Ed, but they don't know why they call me Big Ed. (audience laughs) Anyway, so, I love Austin, fantastic crowd. I mean, you guys are fantastic, but I was at three studio, no. Three studio, working out today. I had my nose and somebody's yoga, but you guys are so healthy, you guys are so healthy. And I'm on a journey, a healthy journey, but I was reading in Men's Health magazine that the best way to get in the shape is to have sexual intercourse. Oh shit, I just told everybody I'm not having sex. Anyways, so, how you doing? (audience laughs) Is he gay or no? Oh god, okay good, he goes both ways. Anyways, four corners. Anyways, so, obviously, heterosexual, but if I were gay, sir, my deep throat would be, it would be epic. All right, Big Ed. All right, thank you very much, generous. Big Ed. Cheer me up. Welcome, Big Ed. I'm a such a huge fan of you, dude, you have no idea. I've seen you on something, I don't know what. I know you from something. I was sharing with rats or giving girls toothpaste or having her shaver like, I love it. You are the world's largest shrimp. I've never seen anything quite like it. You remind me of one of those dogs with like a bad spine or something. Like they're like, they're like, they're raccoon. They're raccoon and, you are, you are stupidity. I don't know exactly. You were talking about getting in shape or, I don't know what shape that is. It appears to be an octagon or something like that. And just an ass Doritos joker the net. Something else. This is absolutely incredible. I've worked at Carrette. Where did he go? Who? The guy, the English dude, he's really funny. With Jimmy Carr? That was two cars, yeah, Jimmy Carr. He left. That was two weeks ago. No, it wasn't. Were you, what? I thought he was tonight, no. Now I was recorded two weeks ago. Yeah. Right now is right now. This is Jimmy Carr right here. Oh, you said this is, okay. Yeah, this is him. This is what he looks like in real life. Yeah, I'll be Jimmy Carr. Where was your nick? Wait, what? Wait, what? Wait, what? I said, I said up. Just watch the YouTube episode. Yeah, yeah. Seriously, he wasn't here tonight. Am I on drugs? No, you're doing okay. Big Ed, less questions from you. Okay, more answers coming up. Here we go. Big Ed, so let's talk about it. I'm guessing by, I'm putting it together in my head here. I'm guessing by your name that I know you from the show, 90 Day Fiancé, I'm my correct. Now I've seen clips of this. I don't really get to sit down and watch TV that often. Take us through what have I missed? What are you known for on that show for the people like me that might not know? You got a half a standing ovation from the crowd. Very rare for a bucket pool. I have to tell you, especially a bucket pool shaped like the actual bucket. It is incredible. It is absolutely amazing. Your head is small, so it would actually, if we took the undertaker and put him there, like, this is what you look like. And your legs, your legs are very tiny. So hold on, let me finish this science fair project I'm doing. Your legs are very tiny, so it looks like-- That's what you look like. This is what you look like. That's fuck it. That's, that's, that's gonna be you. It's gonna be my new head shot, I think. Okay, so short story long. I met a girl on Facebook. Never heard of the show. I bought a ticket. I went to the Philippines. I showered with rats. True story. I'm big head. Look at me. I'm big head. Hey, you said my name wrong. Tony, I'm a big fan of the show. Talk to me, he's having play time. Yeah. And she had really bad breath in Harry Legs. I had her ask her to shave her legs and brush her teeth and I got in a lot of trouble. And then I came back to the States and I got shot at in Mexico. And then I-- You got what in Mexico? I went to Mexico with a, I'm bad at relationships. You have no idea. I bet I could guess. Yeah. Okay, there you go. So yeah, so I suck at relationships. So my last fiance, we broke up like 16 times. And yeah. Which means you got back together 15 times. Yes. What's your trick of getting back together with somebody? Big head. Oh, I see. Yeah, okay. I'm serious, I'm pretty good. Anyway, so-- So you're-- So I suck at relationships. I can tell. He's built like a snowman whose carrots in the wrong place. [LAUGHTER] And I'm-- When a naughty little kid gets a carrot-- And I like carrots. My mom makes really good carrots, by the way. It doesn't look like you eat a ton of carrots, big head. I got to be honest with you. My favorite carrot is probably-- How does your mom make carrots? Red band with another great question. This guy's really spotting the two for two, right there. The loopholes here tonight with-- The king of the poopoles is spotting the loopholes. With unsuspected bell peppers, it's really good. OK, all right. That's the storm up, by the way. She's taking care of my dogs and Arkansas. How many dogs do you have? Three. OK, and are they all English bulldogs like you? [LAUGHTER] That hurt. You know, they're-- [LAUGHTER] They're multis and a multi-poo. I love it. I love it. Hell, yeah. I love dogs. So big head. Let me ask you this. You're in the reality show business, right? Well, what other-- how do you make money other than that? So I have a big head mullback that's in 500 Walmart's right now. It's a what? Big head what? It's a mullback from Argentina. Oh, you make wine. Yes, sir. That's incredible. So Argentina imported. And then I also-- You're shaped like the barrel that they're made in, by the way, so that's incredible. This hurts. No, you're doing good. Don't poop on this stage. I won't. I promise. And then I'm also in real estate. I do flippers with my best friend, David Wheeler. I don't think you can say that anymore, but yeah. OK, I can't do that. No. So I do real estate. And then-- and I'm on cameo. I'm number one in the world in cameo. Wow. That's incredible. Are you really? I'm serious. What's your rate? Then over 25,000 videos. Wow. I'm not the most expensive, though, but I'm pretty funny. I love it. I love it. I put a chicken head on, and I skater on my living room. I'm my scooter. OK. I'm not kidding. And my mom's sitting in. in my recliner with my dogs. Shoulders didn't even pay attention. -I love it, that's awesome. -To La Bomba. I'm not making this up. -No one's doubting anything yourself. -Everything you said. -Everything you said so far. No one's like, "Whoa, how many times did I know where your mom's just sitting there through all of that?" -Her name's Norma. -Yeah. -I know, you mean? -You guys, I've not worked in seven years. I'm not kidding. I've not had a job in seven years. I do Cammy, that's all they do. -Where's your Adam Zappelette? -That is a good question. -That's right. The apple is with the carrots. -The apple's with the carrots. -It's a children's book, you could write. -Big ass. Hey, I don't like you. -I'm just kidding. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -He said he was kidding. -Whoa, whoa, he's kidding. -And if you can't, I don't want to lose a comedy. -I'm only kidding. -He's kidding. Wait, big head. -He's learning with a girl that is literally with a cartel member. -Oh, shit. Big head. Take it easy. Take it easy. You're going to be a-- -She's really hot, by the way. -Okay, sorry, pardon me. -Okay, you're good. Big head. -It's not for good. He ended his set by going like, "Are you gay?" And he was like, "All right. Well, if you were, I was fucking dead." -But that was just part of my bit. -I know. -No, you're good. -We know. -I wrote it down. -My buddy, Darren Garrett wrote it down. -I feel like there's, like, because again, I haven't watched your work, right? I haven't seen it. But I know, for a fact, there's like a viral clip. -I can't remember what it is. -I like the view. -You're my best view. -What? -So you're on the view, the show? -No, so what happened was the show came out. And COVID didn't work out for a lot of people. But for me, it made me viral, because there was nothing on TV. -Right. -And there's, like, a big moment, something super viral. -So, Rose and I, I like the view, was the number one training meme in the world through COVID. -I like the view. -I like the view. -Do you know what he's talking about? -I like the view. You're my best view. -Yeah, you're my best view. -Not you, but-- -Yeah. -You know what I mean? -Yes. And what was the face you made in the meme? -Because I can't turn my neck. I kind of-- -Then that's why they make fun of me, because I go, "She goes, she goes, I like the view, and I had to turn my whole body." And I go, "You're my best view." And then, and then she goes, "E." -Ah, that might be it. -We both became famous. I'm serious. -Yeah, you were mega famous for a bit, right? -Yes, sir. -Like, how did that feel? -Well, it was kind of crazy at first, because I would go to the dentist, and like, elderly women would come up to me. I'd be sitting in the office. They'd just start whacking me with a magazine. -And I'm like-- -What did they think you were a bug or something? -No, no, no, like, behave. Like, you've-- they can see that she's just whacked me. And then, but-- I'm not making that up. But my best compliment that I've ever got in my entire life was my-- -Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me. -So, I mean-- -We're good. It's gonna be like that. -I mean, Newport Beach-- -Stop pointing at people. Look at me. -I mean, I mean, Newport Beach. -Yeah. -And this seven-year-old kid skates around, or eight, I don't know. -Doesn't fucking matter. Just keep going. Yeah. He could be 55 years old. -A skates around the corner. -Yes. -He's all sweaty, and he looks at me like this. He goes, "Are you the TikTok guy?" And I go, "Yes, I am." And he goes, "You're a legend." And then he skates off. -Wow. -And that's it. That's it. That's it. That's the best compliment I've ever gotten. -Wow. For more fun stories like this, get a cameo from Big Ed. They're $900. How much are your cameos? -You guys are really awesome. $69. But do you get it? $60-- -Awesome. -$16,000. $16,000. -Okay, Big Ed. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -You're gonna fucking know, right? You're gonna-- -Sorry. -Yeah, I mean, yeah. -Yeah. -Can I-- If I give you my phone and, um, like, I don't know, Venmo, you or something, could you-- would you make a cameo for, um, for, uh, for my mom? It's over there in a couple of weeks. -Let's do it right now. -For real? -A live-- ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Killtony history. -You are inside. -I'm gonna give you the phone and the algorithm right now. For you are watching a live cameo on a podcast. That's a live show. -Our name is Carolyn. All right, here we go. Hey, Carolyn Big Ed. Here, obviously, listen, um, you're my best view. I love you. I'm here with your son. He's a little weird. But, um, I'm hanging out with Killtony and-- there's a girl in the front row that's driving me crazy. I'm gonna-- I'll probably die tonight. But anyways, I love you. You're my best view and happy-- -I've been working. -I've been working. I've been working. I love you. -You can wish her a happy, happy, January sick or whatever. -Eee. -Do the deep-dro-- do the deep-drope bitch. She'll like it. -What was that? -What-- the-- what-- what you ended your set with? -What-- oh, no. I can't do that. -Well, I'm-- -All right, here we go. All right. How-- what's your name? -Oh, Carolyn. -All right. Carol, um, I'm not gay, but if I was, my deep-drope would be-- [ Laughter ] Okay, I'd go to-- I'm gonna go to confession on Saturday. -So I can get communion on Sunday. -Is that cameo or a Netflix documentary? This is incredible. -No. -Thank you. All right. Big Ed, before I let you go, this is another long interview. I mean, I'd let this get out of control. -So I just spit something out. -But I have no work-- oh, that's crazy. -Oh, really? -So it's on eBay. [ Laughter ] -Big Ed, little spit. -That was-- She's a dude. -No, it's where buffalo wings come down the street. -The contest is DNA. See how much comes back wild animal. Big Ed. -Yes, sir. -Let me ask you this. -Yes, sir. -Because, like, you know, reality shows this, that what is something that's crazy about your life, that you've never talked about publicly, that nobody knows about. Or perhaps something that people don't know about 90-day fiancee or your time there, or anything. Give us, like, a breaking-- give us an exclusive big Ed-- break through. -Breaking news. -It's just in. -Okay, here we go. So, I used to work at a country coming in Belavis, said this is true story. I used to bust tables, and all these guys would come in with these beautiful women. And I'm like, "One day, I'm gonna stuff you in your face." -Wait. Well, you're gonna what? -I mean, I'm gonna give them the business. Like, I'm gonna be more successful. -You a gangster from the '30s? -Yes. -Yeah. -Give me the business. -Wow. -I get my hands on you. It's gonna be a whippersnapper. -Hey. -Oh, yeah, huh? -Because I got a knuckleset with your name. -No. -Yeah, right now, I'm bustin' tables, but one day, I'm gonna be bustin' you. -I'm gonna, like, look you, banker. I'm gonna gut punch you one day. -So-- -Which would be your move? -Yes. -It would be my-- -So, then, I'm there with my crazy ex, like, two years ago, before I moved back, and I'm in the same country club, and everybody, obviously, knows who I am. And I go, you know, I told her, full circle. This is, like, it's actually happened. So, I never knew how I was gonna be famous. I never knew the what, the who, what, where, when, and why. And here I am. I'm on your-- I can show this as well. -Well, you got pulled out of the bucket. -I know. Okay. Well, I was in a bucket. But, yeah, so this is-- -Like, you're on panel or anything big at gun. -All right. I'm really-- I didn't merely make it, right? -No, you're doing great. -You're doing great. -You made the most of it. -No. But, seriously, I fell in love with you guys. -Hold on. So, you're at the country club. You almost finished the story. Was that it? You were-- you were at-- You were bustling at the country club, then you ate at the country club. -So, there was Liz, and I go, "Hey, can I take you to show you where I grew up?" And then, she's like, "No, this is all about you." And then, we got a big fight. And now, we're divorced. Now, I kicked her out. I'm not even kick her out, but I ask her to leave politely. -Have any of your relationships just ever ended easy, breezy? -Well, I broke up with her 14 times via text. -It's like Rick Flair, by the way. 16-time heavyweight champion. -So, yeah, I'm not good at-- I'm not good at love. -I'm just kidding. No, I'm not-- I'm just not. I'm not good at it. -Do you want to be? -Yes, I do. -You like-- -Hey, I met so many-- We went to her gym. Her name is Ashley. She's really cute. Where do you live now? -So, I live in Arkansas. -Okay, how long have you been in Austin? -Four days. -Yes, sir. -In your four days here. Have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas? -You haven't? -What are we turning up the red box here? Let me tell you something. We have a special segment on this show that we do every once in a while. Is there a Killtony female fan out there that's willing to come up and give this guy a big kiss? -Screw. -This lady out here? -Straight back down in the middle lady. -Come on up here. -This is something we love to do ever since the show started. -Don't everybody come up at once. -No, we are not both. -Bring it. -Bring it. -She's already coming. -You don't get to pick. -You don't get to be rapey about her. -You're already hired somebody. -Kitty. -I want this lady, right? -Yeah. -She's the Christ Big Ed. -Look how lucky you are. -Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. -You got to face sideways so that the cameras can see it. -Wait, wait, wait, wait. -Wait, Big Ed, you're going to ruin this. You're like 92nd fiance up here. You just don't blow it. What are you going to say right now? -With or without tongue? -A good question. -Put the mic up to her mouth. -I have a pretty long tongue, so I don't know if you can see it. -Yeah, that means yeah. -Okay, sweetheart. What's your name? -My name is Brooklyn. -Oh, Brooklyn. Brooklyn, Meeta. Fucking Manhattan. -That hurt. -That hurt a little bit. That hurt a little bit. -Wait, wait, Brooklyn, do you know what Big Ed is? -Yes. So this is kind of cool. Are you star struck? -Have you bought a cameo from me yet? -No. -What? Shut the fuck up. You're about to get a free kiss. -So that way you picture business ideas. Just be in the moment. Do trust yourself. -AVC, always be closing. -Yes. -CYXWVUTS. Okay, J.I.H, you, yeah. - Maybe say B.I. - All I heard was UTI. I don't know what she said there exactly. - She said the ABC and she said the entire alphabet. - Right, I don't think I can make it. - I think she said a DUI checkpoint right now. - So you, I mean, okay, what do we do? - Ladies and gentlemen, all you have to do is have a good old make-out session. - Wait, man, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - Wait, man, need some love music, right? Should we, man, play some love music? - Woo! - Wow! - Yeah! ♪ Open your mouth ♪ ♪ Whoa, don't fall, don't fall ♪ - Wow, oh my God, big head, big head. Grab that microphone, how do you feel right now? That was better than being on the show. - Wow, amazing, no, it's amazing. Oh, he just said you're hot. Let me ask you this, Brooklyn, grab that mic. How do you feel, how did big head kiss? Was it good? - Oh, that was actually, wasn't expecting that. You was good. - Wow. - Did you taste his lungs? (laughing) (upbeat music) - Bread, man, you got fire. (screaming) - That's a red card right there, that's a red card. Oh my goodness. - Oh my goodness. - Oh my goodness. - That made just a timeout signal for red cards. - No, you're awesome, fuck, oh my goodness. And look at that, her roots are like the carrots that your mom grows. (laughing) - So hold on, so do I get to go home with you? - Whoa, no, you don't get that big head. - No, big head is the king of cock blocking himself, ladies and gentlemen. Do I get to take a, like it's a joke book? - Do I get to take a home with me? - This is Christ. - No, you don't get to, unless she wants to. Oh my goodness, look at the chicks on this one. And also she has some too. - I'm bigger till Wednesday. - All right, Brooklyn. - All right. - Brooklyn, here's the big joke book. - You get that, congratulations. You are a legend. Oh my goodness, big head. Squeezing a little too tight, but, well look at big head checking out the goods on the way out, like a real creeper's away. (laughing) - He's fucking, he's like, he looks like, like one of the walker kids in walker was like, the factory's yours, Charlie. (laughing) - Hey, can I shut up my tattoo artist's guy from city, and what the fuck? - Oh yeah? - Okay, if he also wrote, Allah-ha-ha. (laughing) - You don't like, oh my god, wow. - What the fuck is going on right now? - Oh my god. - How many birds do you have? Are these all falcons? What are they? - Guardian angels, sir. - Guardian angels? - Wow. - And he's in San Diego. I didn't realize South Florida had its own San Diego. That's incredible. - No, I go to San Diego just to get my tattoos. - Okay, big head. - Big head, you are like the longest interview in the show history. - Here's the big joke book, buddy. Unbelievable times. Incredible. - Thank you guys, God bless you. - We love you. One of the funniest penguins in the world, ladies and gentlemen. One more part time for Big Ed. There he is. Big Ed, put the mic in the mic. Grab the mic, stand, put it on the X. Put the microphone. There you go. Big Ed, clean up after yourself. There he goes, with his joke, but there goes Big Ed, ladies and gentlemen. Big Ed, get the fuck out of here. I love you, get out of here. Jesus Christ almighty. All right, ladies and gentlemen. - By the way, that's just crazy that that just happened by the way. - I mean, that was awesome. I have to be honest, I've never seen the show, but I know who he is. - The place went crazy. - Your book joke is going to get deserved a lot more than I got. - What did I do? - You just casually said, you said old women smack me in the dentist's office and you go, fuck 'cause they thought you were a bug. I only rip and laugh. - That is true. - I almost died of laughter at that for some reason. - Jovial, a Jovial guy. - I mean, like, he is bug-esque. Where's the zapper? Here grab that zapper. Every once in a while, during the summer heat of Texas, we have a little fly issue. And we like to kill flies live. We're the only major broadcasted show in which we kill flies live on the show. They are lingering around the Mexican couple, spoiler alert. Shit. It's a quick little fella. I think Big Ed just turned into the fly every minute. It was one second he's Big Ed, he's like, "I'm out of here." Here we go. Oh, I think he got it. All right. John Bees. And now we move on to a golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy won his golden ticket about a year ago. Very, very funny man. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Orhoon Timor, everybody. Make some noise for Orhoon, everyone. Thank you, guys. I met Big Ed back there. And as I hate he doesn't have a neck, I don't know how you guys achieve that. It's really good. Do you guys like immigrants? No, you don't. Shit. I understand. Listen, I came to his country 15 years ago. I was very into it, like melting pot, different cultures. Then I got my citizenship. I was like, okay, it melted enough, I think. How much gimmicks. I struggled a lot. My first job I remember I was very foreign, and my first week my boss told me you need to watch the sexual harassment training. And I was like, I'm Eastern European, I was taught by the best, sir. What else you can teach me on top of that? I don't know. A lot of things change. You know, like when I was growing up in Turkey, I really was like, you know how America attacks me at least. I really mind at that. But after a while, like I moved here to gas price, keep growing up. You're like government through your thing, you know. There's a regime change in who gives the fuck a stun, get in there. You love being involved. I want to be a part of it. Libya. Libya. All right. Thank you for listening to me. Have a good night. Or whom? Timor. Doing just enough of homage to the hit song New York, New York that it would not be flagged by the YouTube. That's exactly what my intention was. That is perfect. You're a brilliant genius. You're one of the smartest men from Turkey that I've ever met my entire life. Or who? How's life going? I mean, good in some ways, bad in some other way. Tell us about it. What do you mean by that? I mean, I have two people I care about in prison. One of them is in prison in America, one of them is in prison in Turkey. This stuff like that. How did they get put in prison? The American ones. I can do it. It's okay. It's big head. What if that fly grabs the mic and goes, "Hey, my cameo is only $69." Hey, how do you like the view? How do your friends keep getting put in prison? Well, the American ones sold meth, so the Turkish one had opinions, which is sometimes worse. He did comedy. He's a comedian, guy. The Turkish one is. And what exactly did he say in Turkey that got him put in prison? You want me to say the exact same thing for fuck it. You can say it here. You're not understanding which anyway, wasn't it? You're not in Turkey. Yeah, yeah. So, he that, you know, criticized the government, sprinkled some Islam jokes in there. Which part do you think got him in trouble, the criticizing the government? I think it was the part where he suggested the president some, well, reminded people that he killed someone with impunity. I think that did it. Wow. Yeah. That's why I don't put subtitles under my clips. That would be fun. Yeah. So, if not, you know Trump, though, right, I could come in. Huh? No, I'm just joking. What? What was his sentence? How long do you think he's going to be in jail for? I mean, five years, but usually if you apologize to the right people, maybe a year, six months. Is he going to apologize? I don't think so. Yeah. Because then you can't do comedy anymore, like you apologize, you're doing. Right. He can't be scared. Yeah. He can't be a chicken in Turkey. Yeah. Um, very interesting. What else goes on in Turkey that we don't know about? I know we talked about how you have to prove that you're gay. If you don't want to be in the military, like you have to send in a video of you sucking someone off or getting butt fucked, literally, can't make it up. That's true. If you can get out of being in the mandatory military, if you just fucking suck some dick. No, actually, not to be a stickler, but I don't know if you remember, but the blow jobs don't come. Really? Oh, shit. And you can't be toppled, so they're very… Really? You have to have anal insertion in your own butt. And they say, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I haven't read the website," but hmm. That is amazing. I like when you said, "I'll be fine," like that was, that sounded like something you maybe like tag at the end of your joke. Do you have a catchphrase or some sort of like an overall, I guess, I. No, people suggest you should say this a lot, but when they say it, I don't. 'Cause, you know. You don't have a catchphrase. Yeah, no. Your style of comedy is very dry. Is it because you're from Turkey? Oh, uh. Red band. Red band. Red band. Red band. We're new friends. What is your funny? Where's your sound effect? You've earned it, buddy. There it is. Wow, there's like a red band section tonight, by the way, over here. Just a bunch of morbidly obese comedy fans. It's incredible. Good to see you, guys. Who loves food plus? It's a great joke, right? By the way, I start dry. It takes me 10 minutes, usually, to get to the wet jokes. That's another Turkey joke, hell, yeah. Wow, look at you guys just firing back and forth. My goodness. Okay, so, um, or who tomorrow? What are you doing for work? You just do stand-up comedy? Is there anything else? You seem like the kind of guy that doesn't mind painting sometimes. Painting a wall or something for somebody? I paint t-shirts. You do? Yeah. What do you want one? Um, do I have to answer now or. That's the third time that's the last time I'm going to say that. But, uh, you do have a painter vibe. Like, it's, I don't know if it's a ponytail on the stash. Like, it's like a. Like, you look like Bob Ross's son. You know who Bob Ross is? Yeah. You know the guy who's like, "I'm gonna put a little tree. I'm gonna put a little black guy right here." Yeah, my, my, my dad has never been that friendly, like, calm. But. You said your dad wasn't? Yeah, yeah, he's, uh. Well, loving, but. Tell us about your dad. We want to know the tough Turkish dad, yeah. I mean, he's an interesting guy, because you can just swear at him for minutes and he'll laugh. But then you drop his pen randomly and he could get livid. Like, is he, you never know with him, you're like. Does he have a special pen? I mean, pen people can be very serious. I actually, it's a weird thing that I've gotten into recently. I'm into pens. Are you sharpies on this show, but at home? I'm a pen guy. Yeah, I've got a little collection. I've gotten into some weird shit now that I'm in my 40s. Uh, the pens aren't special. This is mine. Oh. Mine is. It's just like a regular old bick, like a disposable pen. Uh, like a yellow. I don't know why we're talking about pens. Well, if it's yellow, it's probably good. Yeah, yeah. It's probably a good pen. That's the rich pen color? I mean, if it's a pen, as long as it's not a highlighter, if he's freaking out about a dropped highlighter, that's completely nuts. But if he has a yellow pen, it's probably a good pen. Oh, wow. Now I forgive him, then. What made you drop the pen? Was it an accident or did you do it on purpose? No, I wanted him to be angry at me. Wow. How about mom? What's mom like? What's it like having a Turkish mother? Uh, it's like. It's hard to explain, but they love you a lot. Ah. That would be easy to explain. Yeah. It was actually very easy to. That's the. I'm being joking. Like I'm saying, like. They're very sort of involved and they call you. All right. Very good. It's. Oh, you're not. You're good. You were in charge. You look like you're in charge. Or he, you're good. Another very fun set, always hilarious. Or Hoon team more ladies in gentlemen. We love you. Or Hoon. That man. That man. We love him. There goes Or Hoon, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. We are going to meet another comedian. This looks like a new name. Makes noise for Michael Dragon, everybody. Michael Dragon. Hello. Friend of mine, she's been complaining to me that, uh, by the way, I'm nervous as Fox sorry. Thanks, buddy. But yeah, so anyway, so break the tension, cool. She's been complaining to me that all the guys that she's been with lately, all they ever want to do is fuck her face. Which, real quote, also, when hell of an intro. Thank you. I just started laughing. I was like, "Geez, oh my god, I would never do that to your face. I'd make love to it." Unlike those other guys, when my before my balls smackered shit, I asked for permission. So fun fact, in the 1950s, so many people in America smoked. Don't know why that's funny, but I like it. That in the 60s when they found out smoking caused cancer, it was so shocking, President Kennedy's head exploded. Too soon, ma'am. Too soon. My next joke's about Jesus. I hope that's not too soon. Thank you. Michael Dragon. Am I saying that right? Dragon? Sure, yes, sir. What happened that fall out of the bucket? All right, just make it the next one. Hello, Michael. How long have you been doing stand-up? About nine years off and on. I love it. Nine years off and on. Yes, sir. And at one point, you were the little boy from a sixth sense. Am I correct? Yes, I've unfortunately gained some weight. You're all grown up now. So you said six years? Nine years, nine years. Nine years, where are at? Cleveland's near Youngstown. We know where Cleveland is. I'm trying to build a relation, anyways. Don't try to fuck my face, Michael. Don't try to fuck my face. Okay, so you've been doing any, you still living Cleveland? No, no, no, no. I've been in Austin for about six years now. Six years. Wow, okay. What made you move here six years ago? Um, friends. Lack of any, I broken up with a girlfriend at the time. So it's kind of sad. So it's just kind of nice moving on kind of thing. I appreciate it. A lot of people were we come from never leave. And it's shocking and very bizarre and very sad. Very sad. I don't really want to say that because my friends watch this. And right now they're in Youngstown going off. Fuck, he's sad. Yeah, I am every day for you. You guys are sad. And yes, it's you, exactly you that I'm talking about. Jimmy, anyway, Frank. Okay, so Michael, here we are. And you've been doing it that long. You've lived in Austin for six years. How do you make a living? Currently I work at a credit union as a collection. Yes. Wow, that's got to be a busy job. There's, you have to be very busy. There's a couple people with unpaid bills out there doing. Not paying your fucking bills, what's the problem? By the way, I definitely pay my bills. If I heard on the other line, "Hi, this is Michael Dragan." Sorry, what did I do? Why would you skip over it? How did you get that name? Why are you not a porn star or a detective? I get a lot of, "Do you drag these nuts across your face?" Shit all the time. Wow. Yeah, funny. Oh my God. I'm just glad my girlfriend doesn't fucking say that. How do you spit? It's so, Dragan, D-R-A-G-O-N. Yes, sir. Yeah, how is that from a long line? It's check. There's some, yeah, what's your answer, checks a bucket? Wow, wow. Have you ever heard of Big Ed from the 90-day fiance? I did. Yes, yes, I have. I'm familiar with him. Okay, wow. He was on here earlier. Okay. And I'm noticing that you guys kind of look alike. Uh-oh. I've been trying to lose weight, too. Do you know, do you know your dad? Oh, yeah! Okay. Oh, yeah. He's also fat, so yeah. All right. Yeah, go ahead. Did you get star stroke when you saw Big Ed? Did you see him back there? No, it was confused. I was like, who is this man? Oh, after someone explained it to me. Oh, you saw him at like, Shakespeare's the bar next door. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Got it. What's it like over there tonight? Give these people a description of how would you describe the sign-up process? I don't ever ask this question. I'm glad you didn't say that. Um, is you waiting line? You have hopes and dreams. Most weeks they get crushed. How many times have you signed up for the show? Maybe a dozen times. Wow, and this is your first time on. No, sir, first time was that end. So it was first time I ever signed up. Wow. Yeah, that was a long time ago. Yes, it was. How did that go for you? Who were the guests that night? Um, it was Jamara Neighbors. My minute sucks, but you seem to appreciate the interview, so. Nice. What did we find out in the interview that impressed me so much? Um, I said that I wouldn't cast a check for a black man, and. That's exactly. Here's a big joke book. No. What, why would you not cast a check for a black man? Why, this is fantastic. Uh, I mean, the serious answer is that it fell under every thing of like this is a little funny, as far as the check is concerned. And then so I turned it over to my boss, who's apparently highly racist, because the check was completely legitimate. Wow. Um, incredible. Yeah, she, she water works out of keeping her job for another year, at least, so. Wow, what made you think it was a fake check? Um, it just. Other than that skin color of the man that presented it to you. I mean, that is the first clue. No, uh. No, no, no, it's just the design of the check. Didn't match anything else that we. The company had just switched designs and. What did the black man's check have that the design. Was it, did it have like a chain around it or something? Airbrush. Is there a. They're just trying to build a relationship. Uh, no, I went from very plain design to very chaotic design. The short answer. Got it. Yeah. Got it. Michael, what's your love life like? Um, it was going shitty until very recently. I'm, yeah, I finally, I'm dating someone. She's. Where'd you find her at? Sure. Castle. Yeah, she's a comic. Uh, so I found her in the running all the streets somewhere, but, uh, she's going to love that issue, right? She will once you see, yeah, yeah, if you're ever made her, yes. Okay. So how long have you been dating this girl? Um, officially just like a month or two, um, but we've been talking, we've known each other for years. Sure, but like a month or whatever ago, what happened exactly? Take us through that first night where you're like, Oh, this is gone down. So, uh, I was looking at her only fans and I decided that I'm very lonely. Uh, no, uh, no, we just basically, I realized that she likes me and how did you realize that? Because she was okay. Sure answer. Um, she zoom called me and she kept showing me her tests and we were doing a writing session. And she's like, Hey, you should give me a ride somewhere. I'm like, I'm very oblivious to shit. And so, uh, you're like, I'm busy. Can't give you a ride anywhere. And so I was asking, like, why'd you show me her test? She's like, well, men usually do things for me. And I was like, Oh, okay, that's cool. Like, so totally not getting it. Uh-huh. And then, uh, I forget what happened, but it just clicked and all of a sudden every image from the past two years, I'm like, Oh, she's been hitting on me for fucking years. Wow. And then what happened? And then I started messaging her constantly. And then eventually I wore her down and, and she said, yes. Um, tell us about the first time when, when something physical started happening, you felt a little something in your belly. Oh, yeah, that was mid January. Those mid January, here we are. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the answer that we've been looking for mid January, you guys are what on your couch? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, she had been in the relate. She had just started dating a guy that lasted maybe a month. She was very depressed. I was talking with her and she kept saying like, Oh, all these guys that hang out with me, try to give me money and stuff like that. So I, uh, was just like, yeah, cool. I don't have an interest. I'm sorry, Tony. So the first time you guys did anything physical, take us there. That's what I've been asking you for so wait and for it. Oh, see, you haven't. I haven't had sex in eight years. You have it. Here we go. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you questioning my interview process, which I saw a lot of that out there. Oh, I saw your fucking faces. You think you're watching me? I'm watching you. I'm watching a show. How about that? I was that for a twist after 13 years. I've been watching you the whole goddamn and you at home, too. Jimmy. All right. Bye. We're having at six and eight years, huh? Oh, Brooklyn. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. Have you ever been with a, uh, two-tone carrot brunette? I feel like I'm about to. It's probably icing your tongue right now. So Michael dragon. No, sir. I'm on this interview. This interview, we're having a repeat and it's been six years since you've been on the show. Yes. And we are having a repeat because the set, okay, good, good. Sure. But this interview just went to a whole nother fucking level because eight years with a chick showing you her tits, she supposedly hasn't only fans. You met her on the streets, we say. And somehow you haven't been able to make a maneuver yet. Can you explain how this is going on? What is going on? Because we're going to help you. Redban is our senior, uh, closer correspondent. He has a real knack at teaching men how to, I mean, if he can do it. All right. It's fine. How do you get over the fact that she's transgender? Okay. Okay. The interview is getting better and better ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back. We'll keep her right here. Back kind of guy. Okay. Let's take it all one step at a time here, Michael. So the transgender woman showed you her tits a few months ago, right? And then a month ago, you say that you guys are officially dating, right? Because did you say that? Did you ask her? Did you say, will you be my, it will you be my it friend or whatever it is? Will you be my them friend? My day friend? What is it exactly? What do you call that when it's transgender? Um, honestly, we just kind of joke around a bushel. She'll make a thing. I told her to kiss me in Russian. Um, just like flirty stuff. What is kiss me in Russian? Um, Wow. I wouldn't have guessed that. It's an email that doesn't mean. Minya. Minya is me and then. Okay. Let's go back here, Michael. So you knew she was transgender the whole time? Definitely. You guys have been laughing together. Oh, fuck yeah, hell yeah. What a dumb fucking question, Tony. I did not, not know. She's very open about it. I've, I've sincerely always thought of her as a woman, but great. John Deez has a great point. He goes, and that's why he ignored the titty pictures. That's just basically fake tits, right? They are fake tits. It was a real tissue. And, and your girlfriend has a penis, right? Yeah. Okay. But you've never seen it. Oh, no. Plenty of people have seen it, Tony. But have you seen it? Uh, not in person. Not in person. Only on only fans. Uh, yes. Have you smell it? What the fuck? That is a disrespectful question, Red Band. When you have, when you have someone being open on a show like this, it is just not even 16 minutes ago. You were doing dry turkey material. And now you're like, did you smell the trans cock? He's fast. Jesus. Sorry. That's so good. But Red Band, you can't ask questions like, have you smelled it? No, I have dots. Okay. So what do you think the close, have you kissed? I'm a huge pussy. So no way. We haven't known. Is he a huge pussy, too? Or is he more of a dick? Why are you so nervous? Like, you came out even in your set tonight. You're nervous. Why are you nervous? Someone in the audience just said you, by the way. Correct. No, I am just a nervous person. But as far as doing that, so because I haven't dated anyone in eight years. So what happened was I stopped dating someone. And then I was very sad over for a long time. And then it just became momentum. And now it's like I'm trapped in my fucking, this momentum of eight years, you know what I'm talking about? When's the last time you kissed a girl? Eight years ago. What if I told you you can kiss the girl right now? Would you take me up on it? It depends which one. It's better than what you're probably used to. Okay, so my sincere answer is I only care about it. Is there a woman out there that's willing to kiss this guy? Is there anybody out there who's in Brooklyn? But then again, since she has men saliva in her mouth, he'll probably enjoy it. Is there a different woman that's willing to? This guy hasn't kissed a woman in eight years. Is there a trans woman out there that's willing to? We found one. All right, come along this way. Horn players. Let her squeeze through. Come on through. Sorry, Alexa. Sorry. Alexa. Alexa should have made. Alexa should have made her. Jesus Christ. Look at this. You're leveling up. I mean, oh my God. Hello. Amazing. What's your name, sweetheart? Julia, ladies, in top of the hand for Julia. I'll warrant here. What'd you say you're about to explode? I'm about to disappoint you. I don't think you're going to disappoint her. I'll believe in yourself, baby. Yeah. Let it rip. Feel normal. Are you going to give him a real kiss? Julia, I think you should go for it. Just relax. Just here it is. Yeah. No, we can't do that. You guys stay sideways. Stay sideways. Yeah, like that. Come on. Let's go for it. One time. Oh my God. I saw a little head movement there. It looks like perhaps he got some tongue. This is a crazy show tonight. This is a fun show. Julia, grab that mic real quick. Tell us. Give us a report. What was that kiss like? Did it feel like a guy that hasn't given a kiss for eight years or did he do Z natural? No, he's not natural. Not natural. But it's been a minute, right? It's been eight years. Yeah. So what would you try it as best? He tries better. He looks like he's having fun. I haven't seen him smile that big. The whole time he's been up here. You're loose. Send up a little bit now, right? Julia, let me ask you something. What would be if you could give him one piece of advice on his kissing? What would you say? Do fucking better. Oh. Julia. Here's a big joke for you. No, this is for Julia. This is for Julia. Here you go. Boom. Good job. Yeah. Bend over. Good job, Julia. How about a hand for Julia? She's a hero, ladies and gentlemen. -Good job, Julia. Julia, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -Red band is on fire tonight. -This is incredible. -Red band is the MVP of tonight's episode. -Red band saved all of his funny material for tonight. -Yeah, Red band, careful. You're gonna get booked on your own show. ♪♪ -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All right. [ Laughter ] Really? Really? All right. Hold on. Okay, here you go. I'm giving you a medium-sized jokebook, Michael. You would have gotten a big one, but you went for that hug at first. And that really disappointed everybody. You guys are booing the medium jokebook selection? You're booing him. Very good. It's about to have to empty the first five rows of people here and trade them in with the people waiting outside. Michael, good job. You did it. There you go. Michael, drag in everybody. You got to loosen up, Michael. You only live once. I have been informed, ladies and gentlemen, by the power of the beat, that Julia actually signed up for the show. Is that correct? Is that what you're saying that the girl that just kissed him signed up for the show? Oh, his girlfriend signed up for the show. Is she around? She's right here. Her next door. Okay. We will get her up here. This is going to be very interesting. [ Cheers and applause ] Not the girl that just kissed him. Oh, he's-- He's the actual girlfriend who he has never kissed. Signed up for the show. We are wrangling her right now, instead of moving on this show. If you thought the most interesting thing tonight was going to be Tony's pen hobby, no, stick around. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] Oh, really is. I really fall in love with my pen hobby. And, uh, you know, it's a thing. Once you start, you don't stop. Be careful. Stay away from those fountain pens, especially. Look at this lady, shaped like big head, going to the bathroom. You got to love her. Big eat it, ladies and gentlemen. It was big eat it. Oh, her husband just shaking his head and pointing at me now. Very good. You got to love it. It's a real live show, people. He's getting a random high five from an audience, remember? Are you British, sir? You look British. Are you British? [ Cheers and applause ] All right. All right. He just looks British. We're having fun in here tonight. We're having a good old time. How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen? We are wrangling in the transgender comedian. New Adam Ray shows drop every Friday on Netflix. Just a reminder, you never know who will be at Madison Square Garden, August 7th, and August 8th. And in Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th, we are there, Kiltoni. A band. The Kiltoni band. Those of you in New York is playing City Winery on August 6th. And a special announcement right now for the first time ever. Kiltoni for the 4th year in a row. How weird is that to say? We'll be on New Year's Eve, in an arena, the Moody Center on New Year's Eve for the 4th year in a row. Tickets for that. Go on sale. August 18th, 818. Using the promo code Kill2Six, you can be the first people to buy the only Austin Kiltoni in which tickets are available. That is New Year's Eve, our 4th year in a row. 818. 818 to like dot. August 18th in memory of the great Brody Stevens. Fun fact about 818. I'll be throwing the first pitch at the Houston Astros game. This is the California Angels. How weird is that? They told me they want you 818. August 18th to throw a baseball. Have you thrown one before? Yes. I'm going to throw a fucking heater, dude. I'm going to George W. Bush 9/11 on this. Watch me. I'm calling it right now. Everyone's going to be so surprised that a gay man threw a baseball ball. Shut up. Shut up. What is this? Okay. Oh, yeah. We pulled two names. It's Alexa. Huh? Hmm. Like, ladies and gentlemen, you think so. Very good. That's always very professional. You always love it good. I think so on the number one biggest comedy show in the world. I think so. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her. She's been on the show before, once before. But now you know her as Michael Dragon's girlfriend. This is a brand new minute from Alexis Alizarri, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. [MUSIC PLAYING] Guys, I'm sorry I was late. I just flew in from Thailand, and boy is my dick missing. So, guys, I'm at the point I lie about my age. I'm dating apps. And it's embarrassing because this guy caught me. He picked me up in his truck. He took one look at me. One look at my Tinder profile. And he says, there's no fucking way you're 12. [LAUGHTER] I have two apps. One that says I'm trans. One that doesn't. Big difference. On the profile that doesn't say I'm trans. Guys, they're like, you're beautiful. I would love for you to meet my family. On the profile that does say I'm trans, I got a message. It just said, my girlfriend is out of town. Can I shit on your chest? [LAUGHTER] That's disgusting. That's awful. He had apps, so I did it. [LAUGHTER] But the joke was on me because his dick was so small I could do a line of fentanyl off it and live. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] Exactly a minute. She's done it again. Alexis Alizarri, two for two all-time Killtony appearances. Welcome back, Alexis. Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here. You're fantastic. So, Alexis, let's get right to the goods. Let's get right to the goods. Because Michael Dragon was up here earlier, right? Mm-hmm. And he had a good set. He had a good set. Nothing too crazy, but a good set. And then we're in the interview portion. It's going on and on. I'm trying to figure out something felt off about he was telling me that he has this new girlfriend for a month and something felt off. Because I'm like, when did you, so when did you first hook up? When did you first do something physical? And then I had to keep digging and digging and digging and digging. And then finally, I find out he hasn't kissed a girl or anything like a girl. [LAUGHTER] In eight years. So, Alexis, let me ask you, you seem sexually active. You seem-- I mean, you just said that a guy took a shit on your chest. Which is like, I don't think that's third base, exactly. You know what I mean? I'm pretty sure that's fucking the dugout. [LAUGHTER] [INAUDIBLE] So, I guess my question and the world's question at this point is, how have you, if you're dating Michael Dragon, how have you not made a move on him yet? Well, I mean, I feel like it's because, you know, I've lived a crazy life, like you're from Ohio. Like this-- okay, so this might seem like off, and I don't want to get too personal with everyone. But Michael Dragon is the first guy I've ever dated that has not had a swastika tattoo on his face. [LAUGHTER] Wow. You gotta get out more. I have-- [LAUGHTER] I'm just saying, I have fucked more Nazis than a Russian winner frees. [LAUGHTER] Wow. [APPLAUSE] I'll give you an example. Youngstown, Ohio, met this guy. His name's Phil. I pull down his pants, swastikas, on his dick. [APPLAUSE] Really big, so it turned out to be my struggle. [LAUGHTER] Wow. [LAUGHTER] Sucked him so hard, he outschwitzed. [LAUGHTER] Wow. [LAUGHTER] I'm not going to go through all the ones I have, because I have about 6 million of these. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] But no, Mike is the first nice guy I've ever dated, and I don't want to ruin it, because a lot of guys believe or not have said that I'm bad at sex. And as a trans woman, it can be very traumatic having sex, because a lot of people use you as an experimental phase. So it's really hard to be intimate when you're constantly being fetishized, and with people who basically won't even want to be seen in public with you. Interesting. Now, do you think Michael doesn't want to be seen in public with you? Apparently not after this. Right. No, he was very open about it. I think he really likes you. I know. I think we should get married right on this show. Well. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] I'm just kidding. The God King would not appreciate that fucking marriage. [LAUGHTER] The God King? Who's the God King? What? Who's the God King? Donald J. Trump. [APPLAUSE] No, I don't think-- I don't think, OK, people should get married. So I mean, I'm going to-- I think. I mean, you know, what do I know? But I think that the God King, aka the reigning defending three time president of the United States of America. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you watch it, you watch it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you didn't do it. I did it. I think he has a-- You can do whatever you fucking want, sweetheart. Thank you, President Biden. But I just want to say I think that the God King, President Trump, gets a very bad reputation. And I think Trump would love it if we had a trans wedding on this show. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. You're welcome, God, thank you. You're welcome, God, big truck. The one and the only. Great, you have seat card, by the way, I must say. OK. I just want him to pay for my pussy so he can grab me by it. OK, let me ask you this. How much does a new pussy cost? $20,000. That's how I know trans women are the dumbest men on the planet, because they're the only men that will spend $20,000 on pussy and still not get a blowjob after. That's hilarious. So it's like two MacBook pros. Basically, yeah, it's fucking expensive. Hey, like 100,000 pins. Are you ain't getting the same pins as I am, brother? Wow, $20,000. Have you tried looking at Timu or anything like that? Have you tried to look at a Timu pussy, a-k-a-a baseball glove? Well, believe it or not, the first time I ever looked, my dad went with me to the doctor. And I don't know. This is relatable. Like you've probably done this. Looked at possible vaginas with your father. And he's looking through it, but he doesn't know anything about gay shit. But he knows about cars. So he was describing them like someone would describe a car. He was like, oh, don't get a Thailand rust bucket. You're not going to have any backseat room. Wow. But it's a common misconception. A lot of transition is out-of-pocket pay. Out-of-pocket? That makes sense. Yeah, that's why I'm pro-lapse trying to pay for all that out-of-pocket expense. Right. And so but you are interested in getting the surgery? Yeah, I mean, I think I would definitely like the surgery because I identify as a woman. And I think it would be easier to go through life because I feel like a lot of trans people nowadays have turned into something more political where it's kind of I view it as more of just an illness that I deal with, similar like autism or ADHD, it's just something that I deal with. And like I get like a lot of hate for that sometimes. Like I posted like I don't think kids to transition on Facebook and I got about to hate comments. Can I just tell you after hearing you ramble that long, you really are a woman. Thank you so much. [LAUGHTER] No. The transition is completely, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, no periods, though. I do got to say out of everyone that's-- what did she say? Red band is cranking grand flames. What did you say? He said she talked all the ones. There was no periods. And she doesn't have periods, a woman that doesn't have periods. OK, you go ahead. I was just going to say out of everyone that's made their way on stage tonight, you've come with the most energy jokes, timing, making the best use of your time. And I hope that you recognize that. The show obviously, you love it when it's great. You love it when it's a train rag, but it's always fucking cool when you're like, oh, I want to make the most of my opportunity. And you did that. It was awesome. And we love that here. Believe it or not. You know, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show at the Creek and the Canes. There's Thursday. You're so close. No. That's such-- No, you're just put her on the Secret Show. I got Secret Show at something. Thank you. And here you go. Here's a big joke, book. Thank you. If you fold it correctly, it turns into a pussy. So good luck. There goes Alexis Alizarre, ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're getting through it. We're running into overtime here. This has been a long show. This bucket pool's been waiting a while. Let's get 'em up here. Make some noise for Andre Belton, everybody. A minute uninterrupted for Andre Belton. Woo! I'm half Latino. Just means that my dad is white. And my mom knows how to seize an opportunity. Us Latinos, we have not been doing well. I don't know if you guys can tell from your gated communities. We haven't. We haven't. But no one-- no Latino has gotten a worse than the president of Venezuela. You guys see that? Do we straight up stole that guy? We stole him. We straight up opened 11 him in the middle of the night with Nike sweats on and threw him in a cage with a angry Latina. OK, that's-- you know much of a wild boy you have to be? To be the only Latino to be forcefully imported? That's crazy. I like to imagine Trump visiting him in the jail cell. Look at who it is. You were talking so much shit over Xbox Live. Now look at you. Oh, you said I couldn't find you, but we literally found you in three seconds. It costs taxpayers $38 billion. But we did. We found you. Andre Belton, everybody. The rare Latino doing a Trump impression, aka the God King. Welcome, Andre. You've been on the show before? No. OK, it's your first time. This is my second time signing up. OK, congratulations. How long have you lived in Austin? How did you know I lived in Austin? I don't. And right now you could be-- oh, I'm actually visiting from New Orleans. And I'd be like, OK. No, I do live in Austin. I moved here about nine months ago. There you go. Took a while to get there, but we got the answer out of you. Nine months. What do you do for work, Andre? What exactly-- I sell myself on the internet. What do you mean? Of course, you want to know what that means. Go ahead, Andre. No, I do comedy online, full-time. Social media, stupid videos. OK, like your biggest video, what is that? Can you describe what you did on that video to where you make a living, making videos for a living? I do a lot of reaction content. My biggest video has like 58 million views, which is insane. And it's literally just a guy backing up and reacted to a guy backing up. And this bitch is like, you can't back up like that. And then he backs up and does perfect parallel parking. And I was like, yeah, that's right, bitch. He's right. I'm on his side now. And that was it. That was literally it. OK. Yeah. Big head has a video where he just turned. And it's got 100 billion views. I know. Is that wild? I wish I had his neck. Yeah. You know this guy. You saw him next door at Jake Spears. I did. I mean, it's kind of hard not to see him. He kind of stands out. He stands out in the pod. He does stand out. Let me ask you this, Andre. What do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies of Andre Belton? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a little-- maybe a little parkour once in a while. Parkour. I'm feeling some parkour. I do like hopping borders. That's fun. You do what? Hopping borders. Well, you know, the Latino joke that I just made. That's insinuation, then. OK, that didn't land at all. That's all right. No, I like fucking. OK, fucking fun. I'm an ex-sex addict. OK, what's the craziest amount of sex? Like, what's the most insane-- when you're like, man, this addiction's out of control? What's the craziest thing you did? Multiple girls in a week, a day, anything like that? I usually measure that by the amount of fat bit just that I fucked in a weekend. Yeah. Generally, you know what I mean? How many was that? How many pounds? [LAUGHTER] Accumulative? I would say it would definitely be-- Give us a ballpark. Like, probably like 500 pounds. Oh, well. So that's just one check. One and a half. The one really fat checker is at 2,250s. Don't 2,50s. Wow, look at that. Are the big gals drawn to you, or do you go find them? It's like-- You just-- they're drawn to me like a drug dealer's drawn to like a crackhead on the streets, you know what I mean? Like, when I haven't gotten my fix for a while, I realized I had a problem when you were parkouring outside of a curves gym. When I was parkouring, I was parkouring. I was just jumping around, and the fat bit just saw me, and they just-- they came around to me, and they just fucked me right there. It was insane. How do you pick them up? What's your, like, what, you can't pick them up. But how do you get them to fuck you? I just want to let you know. My preference isn't fat bitches. That's just the lowest amount of time. Yeah, but that's the top of a conversation. That is a good topic conversation. the bar is lowered let's say let's put it that way the salad Bar is lowered the best way to pick up chicks is just to be mean to them on tinder They're on tinder. Yeah, that is that is the best way to be mean. What do you mean? You just gonna be like what's up bitch? Whoa, wow, that's it. I tried the other way. I tried like you're so beautiful and I love everything that you are How many times did you try that? so I actually uh I got sponsored fat women yelling at you from the audience right now. They're very angry. You want to go park oring later? I'm fucking down No, I got sponsored by tinder in college They actually reached out to me because I had like two thousand matches. Whoa Yeah, wow, and I had one for you pack or what? Yeah, that's how many matches you have to light after a weekend of banging Fat girls to make the room not smell bad anymore two thousand matches anybody anybody get that one relieved the scent in the room Okie dokie Whoopsie Daisy All right Andre I got to tell you these interviews tonight have been so crazy that this somehow it is a very mellow one You look like you sold coke to all the kids at the sandlot. Yeah, it is true I was in like a one rough kid that was like you guys just do playing t-ball, huh? Yeah, dude, I went up to them and it's like fuck you guys you guys are still you guys are still pulling baseballs out of dogs mouths I'm fucking fat chicks you guys don't even do park or foot fact bitches I think I think we did it. Yeah Sorry, Andre this is a buckies medium size is a really good joke book. Here you go the great Andre Belton ladies and gentlemen All right, we have a regular here ladies and gentlemen. He is a Unbelievable one of the top young rising comedians in the world We've been following his story from being in Japanese prison for a while and and now he's back in America touring all over the country Ladies and gentlemen one of our great regulars in the history of the show This is a brand new minute or a minute plus from the great daddrick Flynn ladies and gentlemen Do y'all do y'all what happened to horror movies like because like when I was growing up horror movies We had like actual monsters like we had like Freddie like don't go to sleep in the white neighborhood on Friday You know you had Jason like don't bully fat kids. I think I'll go come back and kill Chuckie Like it was like actual scary things like don't go to the lake at night. There's a mermaid That's gonna kill you and now you when you watch horror movies. They're just like Don't fall in love Don't don't don't ever meet your neighbors nigga the worst thing you could do is meet your neighbors now everybody's dead Don't don't ever open up. All right, don't ever open up. Don't meet anybody new. Don't go on vacation Just shit in the house and hate people That's my time. I love y'all A great new minute. I love it. That is true. Where the fuck what happened to the good fucking scary guys That's crazy, right? I mean we had Michael Myers Jason Freddie Chuckie. Well, I got I got a theory on it Tony I think it's I think the AI robots want us to stop unionizing being friends and that's because they they keep taking they buying up all the houses with Decrypto currency electric money and then and they want us living in apartments because you can't meet nobody if you got to take an elevator Because like when you the rules on the elevator, don't look me in the fucking eyes You know, I'm saying don't have a cop like we and you are talking are we going to elevate somebody come on We just stop talking because we don't want them niggas to know our secrets Absolutely everybody. There's no doubt about it. You've nailed it yet again It is incredible though. You are right. It's like the places are haunted But the people aren't haunted. Yeah, and everybody's chasing these dragons You can like tell that some things worked what the fuck was I watching the other day where it's like Oh, there's a good new scary movie. You're gonna like it and I was watching it and then all of a sudden There's like a clown crawling towards somebody that looked like the clown from it. I'm like this is just ripping off it Yeah, they're just trying to Reveal that movie was it they remade it. Yeah Something else Was widows and then someone was like this shows fucking great. It's so great. And I'm like how good is your weed? Because I fucking tried it and then there's a clown the first thing that's so scary this twist this twisty show is a clown in the crawl space Thank You Michael Gonzalez Wasn't it dead trick okay? How dare you opportunity for a great joke. There was and I Capitalized only because I be capitalized you are capitalized, you know You are capitalized But yeah, fucking I was so pissed when it was a fucking clown. You saw that shit. It drives me crazy. Why are they doing that? Why would they do that come up with your own thing? Son of a bitch obsession was crazy though. Do you see that shit out so good? Oh my god incredible. Do you see it? Deadrick? No, I was in jail. Oh, okay Perfect, but it's on the list of things. Yeah, you see me to watch. Yeah, you have some catch enough to do. Have you seen Allah ha ha yet? It's not out, but I can get you on the list for the screening Taliban we might be doing it. Oh, yeah, we might be co-starring fucking during the red band and Adam Ray. Allah Or the Taliban It might be right. Let's not forget title unsighted. Yeah Title on the untitled Allah ha ha project. Yeah, and if you liked Allah ha ha ha you'll love Allah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Hello, oh Here's his better. Oh My god That trick what else is going on in life? I just recorded my comedy special at a fair in Atlanta my first Lot of TV. Tell you it's gonna be out on the YouTube, but it's gorgeous finally went on vacation That was cool. I was in the sandstone. I ain't been in the sands in nine years and what are the sand won't go back again? What are the sands? Are you talking like the beach? Yeah, I'm going to water though You know, I'm saying when it started to become ocean and let's be in the ocean start right here You know, I'm saying so so as soon as it hit right here my my back on the in the sands Wow building castles. I did you I've buried buried a couple of my close niggas. No, you know, I'm saying Sands I see the tan you got tan. Yeah, thank you so much You're you're new nickname is wait boss because you're batting over a thousand You know what red band we've been doing the show together 13 years This has been I never thought the day would come, but I'm telling you right now ladies and gentlemen This is a golden ticket right here Before and my friend tonight you have earned it you are Absolutely hilarious I'm going to shoot myself in the head now Come on, why did Dead chick we are running in overtime. I love you. You killed it again the great and powerful dead chick play What an episode we're having fun here tonight these interviews have gone so long that fucking chaos How about I am for the lovely Heidi everybody Oh, yeah, we're having fun. How about one more time for the great Adam Ray while we're in the middle of it all This looks like a new name ladies and gentlemen Mix of noise for my shimmy zoo my shimmy zoo Ladies have you ever told a man your gay to get him to fuck off Right, but they're relentless. They don't give a federal fuck. They're like no, baby. You just haven't had the right dick yet Let me change imagine if I did that shit to a gay man He I walk up to him on my hey, baby says fuck off. I'm gay. I said no, baby You just haven't had the right pussy yet. You've never had this Asian persuasion You've never climbed the great wall of vagina Um a lot of people think I am gay. So, you know, I had to do a little science experiment Uh, I said pussy But you know the thing about a science experiment. You just can't test that shit once That bad fucking science. So, you know, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't gay Triple check for day. You know, I took her to get a cat moved in with her introduced to my pet But unlike the 10th time I was like, okay, I'm very straight um I'm not gay, but I am Asian and I am here today to disprove some stereotypes stereotype number one we have type pussy stereotype number Number one, we have tight pussies. First of all, fuck y'all whoever said that, okay? Some of us have hot dogs in a hallway for a fucking pussy. Some of us have widespread fucking, not me or anything, like, you know, not talking about me. Other Asians, stereotype number two. - Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. I wanna hear this, go ahead. - We have sideways pussies, that one's true. That's why we blurt out in porn. - Okay, Maya Shimizu. - Am I saying that right? Shimizu? - Like, she and me at the zoo. - Okay. I think we had a Shimizu up here earlier. She did us, okay. She, he's do, if you will. Okay. - Maya, I gotta ask you, where are you from? Because I'm picking up from your accent. A little bit of urban, a little bit of urban. Are you from Oakland, California? - No, I'm from Austin, Texas. - Oh, wow. - Born and raised. I'm just like Asian trash, if it ever existed. - Nina Lynn. - How did you end up? - There he is, taking this back. (audience laughing) - Good lord almighty. - That's what I have to deal with every week. - I'm sorry. - Okay, no, you're good, Maya, you're good. He's back, he's back. (audience laughing) Red band. Okay, so you're from Austin, I'm gonna scratch out Oakland. I was so positive about Oakland, by the way. - I'm sorry. - It's okay. What part of Austin are you from? - I'm from North Austin. - North Austin. Some, they're cool. - Uh-huh. Okay, you're racist. (audience laughing) - I mean, we can get into that later, but. - Okay, so Maya, how long have you been doing stand up? - About a month. - A month, very good for a month. I gotta tell ya, you're a great stage president. - I appreciate that. - I appreciate it. - Nunciating into the microphone, you have energy, you have perspective. - I was begging for a shot backstage, so I appreciate that. - You're doing good. - Thank you. - What, Saki, what did you want, Pekta? - Okay, Maya, what do you do for a living? - Uh, I'm a fire inspector. - Ooh, a fire inspector. - Yeah. - Tell us about that, how do you get into that? - Um, I've changed careers about nine times. Like I've done, I worked for Child Protective Services for a while, I worked, I was a middle school teacher, and then I said fuck them kids, and now I'm just a professional snitch. I'm like, take the candle away, put a fire hydrant there. - Okay, and what are you inspecting exactly? The outdoors, or you go into people's homes? - I go to businesses, and I just inspect, make sure that there's no fire hazards, so like. - You make sure that their smoke detectors are going. - Yeah. - Let me ask you a question. - Oh, okay. - 'Cause I mean, there is, you were talking about stereotypes. We talk about stereotypes, I love stereotypes. I find, and it gets me in trouble sometimes. I find the differences between different cultures are so fascinating to me, and I love that we live in America, a melting pot, where Asians with black accents from Texas can come out here. - We can do it all, baby. - We can do it all here in America. So my question is this, have you noticed the black owned businesses do not change their smoke detectors as much as white owned businesses? - Perhaps I have noticed, maybe they blew me, but you know. - Wow, so that is a thing. - I'm part of their culture, you know, I just don't say anything. - Right, you don't say anything, you let them burn. - You're making me look bad. - Oh my goodness. - Maya, what's your dream guy like? What kind of guys are you into in real life? 'Cause you talked a lot about how you'll say your gay, this, that, so it seems like no one's good enough for you, but what are you into? - This is a struggle. I'm open to everybody. - Have you been with a black man before? - I mean, what do you think? - Yes. - Yeah. - I have a joke about that too. - Okay, what's your joke about that? - Okay, so my joke, well, I did get one stereotype right. I am dating, oh my guy. He's like your favorite milk, rich, white, and 2% fat. - Okay. - I think he wanted a May Asian male order bride, but he kind of got the team version. - Get to the black part. - No, okay fine. I usually date black guys, all right. Right. - That guy's just saying, what did I tell ya? - Jesus. - What do you mean? Are you on a panel, sir? - I think that was dead Rick. - But I don't have a band. - What I tell ya, let me back up on stage. - I've been with that bitch before. I tried to watch a fucking scary movie with her ass. - You wanna watch it? They made it. (laughing) - They did, but it was a good joke. (laughing) That was it. Yeah, that was the whole joke. - What was the joke? - That I just fucked black guys. - Oh. - No, no there's more, but it's okay. - Okay, mine. - How do you, what's your writing process like? Like when you prepared tonight's set, how did you, where are the other jokes that you, I mean, did you just think like, all right, I'm gonna try to be personal to be informative? - Yeah, I hope you guys all learned about Asian pluses tonight. I wanted to educate y'all. No, those are just the jokes that, I've been only doing comedy for a month, but those are the jokes that usually hit. So I was like, let me just do those. - What made you want to start staying up a month ago? - My best friend told me she's like, you're really fucking funny. So she was like, it'd be a waste if you didn't try it. And she's Jewish, so they know good talent. - Yeah, they run, we do. - They run the business. - We do. - They are show business proficient, we say. Where did you make this Jewish friend ad exactly? - We've been best friends since high school. - Oh, nice. Okay, you went to high school here in Austin, Texas. - What's their mascot? What's McCallan's mascot? - I think it's a night. - Oh, okay. All right. Maya, any hobbies, any special skills and talents that we would surprise us? You seem like the kind of person that's heavily in the park court? - How did you know? I know, I like lifting. I like, I like movies. - Oh, wow. What do you like to lift? - It seems like mostly forks and spins. - Okay, all right. - Optics, Tony. - Oh. - Thank you, Tony. (upbeat music) - The first dammer, two-five. Golden take-up winner. Ladies and gentlemen. - Brian, I let the book you have a secret show on Thursday. - Wow. - I mean, you are a real artist tonight. - The emotional rollercoaster you're taking us on tonight, Brian, is almost too much to handle. - The best part is gonna be like, you know, like I can just picture like two mechanics that like love this show, right? Are you at work on a Tuesday or a Wednesday? Like, God, you see the new kill, Tony? And the other one's like, no, what happened? Dude, the guest was Adam Ray. Wow, oh my God, he must have been hilarious. - Well, Red Man stole the show. (audience laughing) - The other guy's okay with that. - No way. - Absolutely, dude, he got two golden tickets. What? What? - Tony gave one, took a right back, gave it to him again. Never seen it. - Dead or pushing the back? - Tony and Adam are really good, but Red Man, I mean, it was unbelievable. - The guy's just like, no, fuck away, dude. What are you all, what are you? What are you, what are you? Let me guess, Widow's Bay is a great show, too. (audience laughing) - Fucking, huh? - Dude, you turkey material, did he? - Fucking shit. (audience laughing) - A hunk of shit, everybody's taught, that's how bad shows have gotten. Is that people are like, you gotta watch this show. It's like fucking terrible, right? What's good, what's good anymore? House of Dragons, what else? - Friends, neighbors, I just got into it pretty good, with John Ham, pretty good show. - What are you trying to get a guest spot on it? What's going on over here? I've never heard of this, fuck. - I don't know, what is it? - There is nothing. - And the answer is nothing. - What's good? - King of the hill. - I watched a thing about the hill. - I made a bunch of King of the hill. - King of the hill, that's just Mike Judge crushing from here in Austin, Texas, that doesn't count. - Yeah, help us get Mike Judge, where's Mike Judge at? - Phone number out. - Yeah, he said, we talked to him like years ago, and then he disappeared. I think he's distancing himself from my controversial ways. Anyway. (audience laughing) - Maya Shimizu, I like your style, Maya. Congratulations, here's a medium sized joke book. Sign up again, keep writing. You have like very good, your Jewish friend was right. You have very, very good honesty talent. You're pushing it, I wanna, if you keep doing this, something great's gonna happen for you, Maya Shimizu. There you go, Maya Shimizu, ladies and gentlemen. All right, this episode's gone on way too long. If you're wondering, we are in way, way over time. This is much longer than your average episode. So congratulations to you, the audience, for really getting a lot of bang for your buck. And congratulations to you, the always ungrateful viewers at home. (audience applauding) Make some noise for your final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen. His name is Jacob Gildry. Jacob Gildry. (upbeat music) - Growing up, I was in this club called FFA. If you're not familiar, that's the future farmers of America. And that is a club that teaches you how to store in the capital. Come on. (audience laughing) These people are very country. They still think AI stands for artificial insemination. (audience laughing) They're just like, Elon's trying to do what to my phone? (audience laughing) He's trying to fuck it out. I didn't fit in with these people, and the worst part about it was that my parents sent me to the FFA summer camp, and the worst part wasn't that I didn't fit in, it was that I tore my meniscus there, doing the cha-cha slide. That's so embarrassing, tearing your meniscus is something that NFL players do. Like Patrick Mahomes could lose his meniscus to the chargers, and I lost mine to the left now y'all. Thank you very much. Jacob Gilgrey. Is that true, you really tore your meniscus doing the cha-cha? I did tear my meniscus doing the cha-cha slide, yes. Wow. Are you the Jewish from the Toad Chins, you did do stand up? You got me. Wow. Great catchphrase. Yeah, amazing. What are those charms on your necklace there? What do you got in there? I have a cross, and I have a St. Christopher pendant. Oh, you have Jesus on a cross to remember that your people slaughtered him and murdered him. Well, I just like to remember the best moments of our people, so that is right. Pond the guilt off on the Romans, an incredible move in the history of civilization, absolutely unbelievable. Are you Jewish, Jacob? I am not. Oh, okay. Everyone thinks I am. I'm full-blown Cajun, I'm from Louisiana. Absolutely. Incredible. Wow. Have you ever thought about telling your face that you're not Jewish? It's hard to look at it in the mirror, so no. Wow. Do you ever wear a Yamaha just so that you can book things? No, but I do get better mortgage rates when I go to the bank, so I try it out. Incredible. How long have you been doing stand up? Seven years. Seven years. Where are? Lake Charles, Louisiana. Wow. And what made you come here today? Actually, I've been about 15 times in the past year. Wow. You make a drive to do that? Yep. How long has that drive? It's about five hours. Wow. Look at that. 15 times. You finally got up. You're very funny, man. Thank you. How much time do you have? 30 minutes. Awesome. And you get up a lot around Louisiana? Yeah, a lot around Louisiana. I run the scene in Lake Charles, so we do open mics and I book comics that come through, so we do shows and I travel a good bit. Lake Charles, near Baton Rouge. Yeah, two hours. Okay. We're right over the, about an hour from Beaumont. You know our guy that just got a golden ticket a few weeks ago, very funny, man. I came here with both of those guys that were on that episode and I did not get pulled and thankfully I did not kill myself and now we're here. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you didn't kill yourself. Yeah. Would you like to open for me in Birmingham, Alabama and Atlanta, Georgia in October? Yeah. Wow. Wow. But you have to take that fucking cross off your neck. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. It's in October. So I'll just book it. Yeah, absolutely. Two theater gigs out there. Absolutely, yes, yes. You just got a real big gig out of that, but it's a huge theater with the great Adam Ray. There he goes. Jacob Gildrey with the big joke book. Bring him again sometime, Jacob. Very funny people coming out of fucking the middle of nowhere in Louisiana right now. I'm telling you, there's something going on there. Something's cooking in Louisiana. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. You've made it to the absolute final part of the show in which we all just get to sit back and be fans of stand-up comedy because my closing regular is, I mean, what can I say? I could sit here and yappy-appy-appy-app about it. I just got to tell you, it is just one of my favorite things ever in the history of the show. To watch this man work, I'm a super fan. A super fan. Make some fucking noise for the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pat O'Neal. First, someone put a swastika on my Tesla. It was me. You know it's illegal to draw a swastika in Germany or play hide-and-seek, but that's enough politics. Okay, you wore yourselves out, front fuckers. Last night I was in bed with my gal pal, told me she wanted to roleplay. I was like, "All right. This pretend we're at a beach and a jellyfish just stung your face." Other day, she told me, she's taken a woman's self-defense class. I was like, "Oh, nicer, learnin' how to cook." Okay. That's it. Thank you. Pat O'Neal. Wow. I mean, look at this. People are on their feet. Thank you for the book. Incredible. Wow. Dude, you're going to be a mega star, dude. There's just like your delivery, your performative skills, like people, you're just still goddamn likable. And then your jokes? Yeah, I don't know. How many times have I been on the show when you've been here? A few times, right? Yeah. I followed you. They gave you the fucking golden ticket the last time, right before I got it, and then to go sprint to get it. And the first time I was on Netflix, I followed you as a, oh shit, now. Yeah. There's a man like Joe Biden. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's me. But I appreciate you trying to keep it from falling. Yeah. I've never gotten it. I appreciate it. I don't know. You're kidding, bro. Yeah. You're killing me. That was very funny. Very funny. Again. Pat, how's life been going for you? Every week, the pops get bigger, and it's so deserved. I mean, I know. I mean, fucking, thank you guys. I was, I'm saying, I don't know the fuck. I just heard the, I told you so, guys. Say fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That guy is a big predictor of things. Obviously. He knew that the Asian was with a black man early. Oh, really? It was a real fucking insult convention out here earlier. Holy shit. It's wild. It's been an absolutely crazy night. We've had Asians galore, trans. We've had shy white guys, a Turkish dude. Some guy just sang the thong song at one point, hit it, we've definitely had it. I forget that. It was my favorite part of the show. We had to edit it out. Who knows? Maybe it'll make it on the super cast, the new bonus footage for $5 a month, you can get the super cast. What a great price, huh? That's a price of, you can get, for, you can get almost $440, big head cameos. All right. Pat, what else is going on? Anything else crazy? No, I don't know. Did killers this weekend? There's nothing. No. You went real stories from it. You went and did it. What cities were the? Lubbock in Midland, Texas. Oh, my God. Southwest really fucked me on the way there, but overall, good shows. What happened with Southwest? They like rerouted the plane because there was a delay, like automatically in the app, but then I still made it to the gate while they were boarding people and they told me to fuck myself, basically, really? Yeah. How'd you make it to the gig? I had to go to Dallas first after that and fucking, yeah. Wow. I'd always be, if I was a normal human being, right, you're on a Southwest flight, or, wait, are seats assigned now in Southwest? Yes. I trust Big Mike. No, they're not. No, they're not. They're not. You were just there. They are assigned now. Was that a middle seat that you had by any chance? Oh, the new flight that I got put on was a middle seat with a fucking baby and one of them next to me. Wow. Now, I'd imagine if I didn't watch this show at all and you sat next to me on a plane, I'd be kind of freaked out. Yeah, I don't have to. I don't take up a lot of space. Do you do anything quirky on a plane or you headphones, neck pillow, blindfold? What do you do on the plane? Yeah. Well, no blindfold, but maybe that sounds-- I mean, that's-- I don't know why. I said blindfold. I meant, I'm asked. Right? That'd be crazy if you walked in flying on like a kid napping or something like that. But I could see you doing something like that. You heard what you did. I think I'm going, David. Would you just sit there and silence and stare straight ahead, like, "Yeah." Fouch. Oh, you are built for this game, Pat O'Neill. Truly. Truly, not one of-- but I can say, without any hesitation, the fastest rising comedian in the world. That's a lot of flesh, one more time for the great Pat O'Neill. You're watching a jug or not in real time. We find the talent here and we amplify it, and that's-- It also includes here on the panel every single week, you know, I love showing off the funniest people in the world, which brings me to my big point here if you don't see where I'm getting. How about one more time for the great Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen? The Adam Ray Show. Thank you. I love you. You're a great crowd. On Netflix every Friday, two time guests of the year, two time, Hall of Famer. It's just, I mean, no one has the accolades that this man has on this show, on its history, my true brother. I mean, we were literally door guys together at the comedy store making, I believe, $6.15 an hour. That's too pent. Yeah. No, it's not. OK. I'm telling you, this pent thing, it's crazy. You don't want to start. It's crazy. But Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, watch his show on Netflix, he's the fucking man. Who knows, maybe one day, he'll ask, you know, one of us to be on this show or something that's a big show. I'll be right. I just did upstairs, remember? I have a concussion, I don't remember. Catch us at Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th, Vegas 11, 13, 11, 14 November 13th and New Year's Eve in Austin, tickets go on sale August 18th, use the promo code Kill 2 6 and the band plays at City Winery on August 6th in New York City on that Thursday night. But catch us at Madison Square Garden. If you can't catch us at Madison Square Garden, watch the stream live. It is an incredible thing. We are back to our own stream sometimes, which is very exciting, which means that it's completely unedited and super raw, anything can happen unlike our, some of our, you know, experimental episodes with other streaming sites that we've done and still will do in the future. Man, that's about it, red band. Check out the SunsetStreep ATX.com secret show every Thursday, I love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you, goodnight everybody. [Music] [Music] [Music]