#778 - JIMMY CARR

hey this is red band and you're listening to the death squad podcast network this episode of kill tony and every episode of kill tony can be found at death squad dot tv apple spotify and anywhere you get podcasts check out tony hinchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony tony hinchcliffe you can also check out shop squad dot tv for death squad merch hats mugs whatever shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for tony who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives huh it's the best damn band in all the land that's the kill tony band make some fucking noise for them huh raul vallejo carlos sosa michael gonzalez fucking uh esteban viejo uh nachos bel grande tres leches uh how about a hand for the great matt mulling on the electric guitar john d's on the keys and this is the one and only d madness on the bass guitar here oh lordy what an episode we have for you tonight as always here on the number one live podcast in the world for many years running and it's because of our amazing sponsors and here's a little bit more from them you guys ready to start tonight's show or what every single week i book this mama jama normally two of the best comedians in the world but every once in a while we have a guest that is so fucking good that's so great that we want to give it a little room to breathe i present to you one of the greatest guests in the history of the show a person who people say uh one of the best guests ever uh guest of the year multiple times before we even started giving out that award when we were on the come up this guy was crushing for us he's also literally one of the best comedians of all time ladies and gentlemen tonight's guest the one the only the great jimmy carr oh my god the legend the king the man we love him we love jimmy carr look at that they're on their fucking feet for the king of london you jokesmith the man himself well i i can't believe your luck i'm here we are so happy to have you back every time anytime you are the man our chemistry is unbelievable some people say we're two of the funniest ventriloquist dolls on planet earth would have been okay in musical wouldn't be a thousand years ago yeah we've always had fun jimmy you know how the show goes over 200 innocents souls signed up for this bucket tonight anything can happen sometimes lately we've had some real real good veterans of the game some 20 30 40 year comedy vets have been signing up trying to make it finally in their lives and they do here they finally get the respect they've been looking for sometimes it's a brand new mentally ill person that didn't practice or try at all which people also love that too either way they get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry cat and they're like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry we must hollywood bear which interrupts their set and then we conduct an interview i love the phrase brand new mentally ill oh yeah like they've they weren't mentally ill yesterday but today it's gone too far oh yeah it happens fast oh they snap fast some people go into shakespeare's the crazy bar next door where we keep them all huddled together and uh and they they're not even mentally ill when they go in there and then after after 20 40 minutes around uh the other comedians they have they have for some reason they're not even mentally ill when they go in there and then after they have for some reason they've decided to do a deal where pitchers of vodka soda are of an extremely low price i can't imagine the gasoline like vodka that they are uh that they're putting um in there i'm gonna have lindsey graham's granddaughter pull the first name out of the bucket tonight and while we go wrangle that first bucket pool we're gonna get tonight's show started with a brand new set from one of our golden ticket winners everybody it's been a while since we've seen this young man and he is indeed very young one of the youngest ever golden ticket winners in the show's history winning it at the age of 21 he's now 22 he's a musical prodigy getting us started tonight he goes by the name put your hands together for tony scar everybody here we go hey what do you say hold on it's come to my attention the internet thinks i'm gay that's wrong offensive and untrue so i hooked a lie detector to the lights on the stage because that's what a straight guy would do i've never had anything up my ass except the finger in a butt plug one time in a gerbil twice everyone's tried that everyone on this stage has tried that you wonder why these bucket pools are so nervous the gerbils in the contract i was behind this stage tony said it's time for the gerbil so i squatted and i prayed and he put in a guinea pig anyways i'm not gay i'd never kiss a man if you don't count my priests and a good childhood friend i don't even look gay fine i see a lesbian in the mirror and when i wipe that mirror off that lady just gets queerer i don't have any weird kinks what the does yellow mean are you insinuating that i like pee i don't have any weird kinks what the does yellow mean are you insinuating that i like pee i don't have any weird kinks what the fuck does yellow mean are you insinuating that i like pee God, this fucking dick. Gay people scare me. I'm scared of women, and gay people are close enough. They freak me out every time because their hands are so soft, but their knees are so rough. Okay, I've been Tony Scar. Thank you, guys. Tony Scar. Very fun, experimental little set tonight. Knowing the lighting guy, I can't believe how good that went. We've been doing this show with that lighting guy for six years. He doesn't have our cues memorized. I brought my own lighting guy. Oh, you brought your own? Oh, brilliant. Sorry, Keno. That must really hurt for you right now. Jimmy Carr, what do you think about this? Young Buck. So you're saying you're not gay? I agree to disagree. I am a straight man. I am a straight man. I would disagree with both of those. Right. I think you are neither straight nor a man. Okay. You are a gay boy. I'm not throwing any shade. Are you saying I'm your type, Jimmy? Listen, I don't think you have to be gay to fuck someone just stronger than him. That's true. Tony. You told me this, didn't you? It's not gay if the balls don't touch. Right. It's true. That's just good old fun. That's what that's called. I think I've had an idea for the finale of the show. Yeah. We double team him. Oh, I love this idea. Anything to get to Hollywood, man. I'm in. I love it. You're already in Hollywood. How's life been, Tony? Tell us about it. How's life changed lately? It's been really good, man. It's been really good. It's been horrible, Tony. It's gone terrible. What's going on? What's going on, Tony? I'm fighting with the fucking lie detector behind me. It's been good. Everything's been going good. It's hard to balance the comedy and the comedy. the other aspects of life and I'm having trouble finding like content to bring into the comedy there you go there's a red band found his gerbil sound effect everybody not a moment too soon interesting but life is like way better than it was a year ago I've just encountered a lot of like struggles I didn't expect to but fucking everything's great dude can't complain tell us about that how has your life changed since becoming a kill tony golden ticket winner so now I get to do what I love which is awesome but I also have trouble dedicating time to anything other than comedy like I'm a fucking psychopath I do nothing but comedy I can't see how this is a problem I'm poor as fuck Jimmy I'm poor as fuck but that'll that'll come later that will come later you're paying your dues now and well if you double team me it'll come a lot quicker so ah we're not gonna pay you for that that's just good old free fun right there I love it tony what else is going on tell us more um well everything's going good I live in a studio apartment right now I live with my girlfriend because she doesn't have a car or a place so she just kind of moved into my place and that's how that went be crazy if she had a car and a place and because she's not real right like if you had to imagine a car and a house for her as well that's a lot of imagining but she's from Canada right she's not from Canada sure she is we're dumb girlfriends we're always from Canada where did you find this lovely homeless woman that you move into your place she's great she's awesome I found her on hinge we met on hinge ah I know it's bad we're six months in like on and off mostly off and that's mostly me and that's my bed and yeah does she have no job she has a job but she makes like 13 bucks an hour she doesn't have her GED yet oh wow look okay that sounds fucking bad hold on let's rewind on that he's 20 I think no she's 20 she's 20 years old she just she dropped out of high school and hasn't gotten her GED yet so she just moved into my place and I'm kind of what do you think about this genius I think you've it sounds like you've trafficked a lady to live with you which is which is great if you had I'm sorry going back to the gay thing I don't want to harp on but if you had to describe her vagina would you say it's an outie quite a pointy vagina that sometimes comes on you I would say uh ignorance is bliss Jimmy ignorance is bliss I was waiting for a real answer to that question I was hoping you were going to describe she does have a vagina and then that's a that's a big thing for me so yeah does your balls touch bet you'd like to know red band sure I love it Tony well I I gotta say I really love you I think you're such a likable presence on stage I appreciate that you got like it's just effortless I love that I love the kind of style of it it feels really kind of and sometimes in musical comedy it can feel a little bit kind of predictable like you kind of know right where they're gonna go and it was just every line was a gag it's fantastic I loved it man I appreciate it I love that uh I love that you're experimenting you know bringing production into it at 22 years old I like if you keep on this pace of trying different outside of the box things the stuff you're going to be doing at 25 27 30 should be fucking nuts so yeah I've been trying to just keeping up with the writing like a minute a week I try to write so that I can keep up yeah yeah yep you're doing it appreciate you're doing it tell your girlfriend to get her fucking GED dude yeah yeah the fact that you're the breadwinner of a household it's nuts the 22 year old with an acoustic guitar just bringing home the music the bacon I love it well Tony great start to the show way to get it started for us thank you so much if you don't mind no go ahead I am going on tour tickets are at scar comedy.com if y'all want to hit that up there you go there he is guys very much Tony star everybody he is a young man indeed and this looks like an old name I do believe this guy was a war general at one point uh for the confederacy are we allowed to have people I don't know if we're allowed I think his statues are coming down make some noise for what I believe is the kill Tony debut of Robert Lee everybody here's Robert Lee so white he's got to be racist I quit drinking 14 and a half months ago with my friends it's at this age it's ridiculous man we all start talking about Conor McGregor and we talk about girls we was with and then they start crying my wife won't blow me my god damn you're sitting there and you'll blow job oh there we go that's good Tony and I tell him I think about it you know where was your wife when uh you were preparing for your colonoscopy I'll tell you where mine was 37 seconds after I said this ain't working on me she was cleaning off the bathroom skills that's where my wife was well it's hard to go down on a guy that you've done his laundry you've seen him prepare for his colonoscopy when you're young like all most most all of you are all your where it's supposed to be nothing leaks you you're a truck driver my looks like it's ready to settle down wife does the laundry God for that cat all right uh Robert Lee ladies and gentlemen or as I call them cold Steve awful wow what a way to bring it down my friend absolutely incredible you must be the father of Tony Scar's ged-less girlfriend you seem like graduating from high school would not be uh demand on your children no I'm from Kentucky I got a CD we know no we know we know you're from here Robert you didn't know absolutely really you have a truck you have a license am I correct a CDL I'm forklift certified I knew that somehow I knew that amazing and where did you serve your time I'm a Class D killer all right nah man I went one time I learned my lesson what was the what did you do the one time oh well I I had some meth oh perfect I I did I tried that one time for 10 years or something one time for yeah you're the only person to ever try meth one time for 10 years or something oh for 10 years got it yeah got it but but I I woke up next to a gentleman um he was welcome to my world it might have been the same he was fired off a turd and a steel he was what put the mic up to your firing off a turd into a steel jack steel jack describe to us non-Kentucky people what a jack is my friend some of us were not born and bred in the land of incest go ahead just if you have that uh way with language where you can conjure the phrase ah um firing off a turd into a what was it again stainless steel jack a stainless steel jack that is a kind of poetry mark Twain could only dream on that that's the set right there yep that's it well I mean that was a turning point in my life the Lord had my attention I said God what do you want me to do he said don't do meth I was like I can't you real quick before I move on with the 75 questions that I have I I have to know before we move on what exactly is a jack uh have you ever been number three nope what's the number three number one number two what's where you piss shit and Jack Jack off number three Jack sorry okay I know you just did his entire act right then uh hold on so again I'm gonna ask again what describe what the physical substance of a steel Jack is what is that well it's where all your um roommates are in the same room it sits in the middle of the floor and when you shit your own display it's a bedpan no no it's a no you drink out of the back of it oh got it don't do drugs got it you're in prison a jack is a toilet wow you could have said that at any point you let poor Jimmy Carr from London you don't know what I I think I might be kind of like Dr Doolittle for this guy I can understand him I know I know you all think someone just drew his on a thumb but I see him as a person I can understand him I love it so Robert Lee how old are you I'm 50 50. what made you what are when you just started stand up right this is your first time or something no I did it a couple times before okay just a couple you know it's American Legion back in Kentucky where everybody knows me the American Legion yeah they do shows at the American Legion in Kentucky sometimes yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck it yeah all right what made you want to come to Austin Texas and sign up for this show oh well I work at North Dakota in the oil field okay that's one answer to a totally different question -Well, have you ever been to North Dakota? -No. -It's 50 fucking below. It's cold. -Oh, my God. -I wanted to come down here and, like, come out here and not be nervous. That's bullshit. My legs wouldn't stop shaking walking over here. -Hell, yeah. -God dang. -It's okay. It's okay. Soon you'll be as stable as a steel shit-jack. Let's check in with Jimmy Carr here. -Are you having an allergic reaction? Because you seem to have -- you sort of -- I don't know how to describe it, but I think you've been stung by something. And I think whatever it was was racist. -No, no. -I love it. How many black friends do you have? -Well, all of them. -Okay. How many? Give me a ballpark here. -One. -One. What's his name? -Shout out to Rufus. -His name is really Rufus? I Googled it, and there's, like, Rufus Thomas. There's another Rufus. -There's a Rufus Thomas, Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas Band. -Right. -Right. Twice or -- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I had to Google it. I know that shit. -Yeah. No, that's a thing. I know about that from the movie "Kill Bill 2." Samuel L. Jackson plays a musician in a wedding chapel, and he played with, at one point, the Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas Band. -Now, damn it. I have to tell Rufus about that. -How did you meet Rufus? I have to know how you and Rufus met. This sounds like a fucking -- CNN documentary. -He was the only black guy in North Dakota -- not North Dakota, but, like, in the whole place. They hired this one black guy. And he was from Chicago, and his name was Rufus, so I had to go meet him. And he is cool as a fan. He's my buddy. -Yeah. That's what happens when you meet black people. You were assigned to work with him. It wasn't a choice originally. -That's kind of true. That's kind of true. -It's true. I got you there. What's your -- What do you like to do for fun, Rob? You're 14 months off. Well, you quit drinking with your friends, but you drink alone now. Am I correct? -I don't drink much anymore. I've been on a life-changing journey for about a year and a half. -Okay. Tell us about this life-changing journey. I'm very excited about it. -Y'all ever heard of Trimbolin? -Tromboli? -No, no. Trimbolin. That stuff that made Crispin Wah hang his little retarded kid. -Oh, my goodness. -You know what I'm talking about? -Say it one more time. -Trimbolin. -Yep. Nope. We don't know about that. -There you go. I'm here. -We don't know about that. -Trimbolin. -We're as senseless as a shit-jack over here. Just go ahead and tell us what that is exactly. -Well, that is an anabolic steroid. -And you're on it. -Yeah. I didn't take it today, though, 'cause I thought I'd be nervous. -Yeah, you don't want to be nervous out here. -Makes you sweat and look like a thumb. -Look at you. You're drier than a fucking wet-wash cloth up here. -Am I? -Yep. Soaking wet. Yep. Good thing you didn't take your steroids today. So what happens when you do take your steroids, Robert Lee? -Well, it's like muscle mess, what I call it. -Uh-huh. -Yeah. You're not stripping copper. You're pumping ice. -I'm looking out the window for the cops, but if they're out there, you can see what the fuck they want. -Yeah. -And the cops -- Yeah, yeah. -I bet the cops love you. It's like, when you go out and talk to the cops, it's like that Spider-Man meme where they're all pointing at each other. Just out there looking for the other Rufuses in the neighborhood, you know what I mean? We don't like them Rufuses. -No, no. He's my boy. I like him. -No, I know. I'm joking. I'm making a joke. You have any kids or anything? You ever been married? -I got four kids. -Four kids? -Yeah. -Oh, my goodness. How old's the youngest? -Uh, 13. -Okay. How old's the oldest? -31. -Wow. Is the 31-year-old doing good? -Doing great, yeah. -Okay. Everyone's happy? -Everybody's happy. -How about the 13-year-old? How, like, you -- -He's tearing up all my shit. -Well, I bet. He's getting into your steroids while you're out playing "Comedian" at nighttime. -No, no. We've already had to talk about the steroids. We don't talk about what happens at home, you know? -Wow. Okay. Oh, my God. Baby crying? You got a baby crying on there? You got it. There it is. There it is. Okay. All right, Red Band. That's enough. It's out of control. Jimmy, what do you think about this guy? -I feel like we're friends now, so. I mean, I just want to hear more. It's fascinating. -What would you like to hear? -Well, do we know what you do for a living? What's your day job? -Oh, I work in the oil field. I take the drill cuttings. It comes out of the hole, and they put the frack fluid on it. The Democrats say it causes cancer, but I'm fine. And I haul it to Goose Goldfield. -Did you say the Democrats say it causes cancer? -Holy shit. -In California. -You ain't read that shit? -It probably causes cancer, dude. -I'm -- It's a fiddle. I don't know what you're talking about. -I mean, if they're saying it causes cancer, that means they knew about it, like, 20 years ago. All right, so that's what you do. -They do Geiger meter every load. -Mm-hmm. To check for nuclear. -Yeah. -Yeah. Radiation. -You can fuck with them with a nanopill, though. -You can -- You what? -You can -- Oh, a banana peel? You can fuck with them. You put it in there, and it pops off the little Geiger meter. -Banana peel makes the Geiger meter go off. -Yeah. -I did not know that. -It does. -Jimmy. -Sorry. I asked what you did for a living. -No clearer to an answer there. -Oh, I-I drive a truck, and I haul drill cuttings. What they take out of the ground, I haul to the disposal. -Oh, okay. Who drives a truck? -Yep. -Yeah. -Probably. If you're in a hurry, just say, "I drive a truck." -Oh, I-I don't have nowhere to be. -I love it. You're a very, very interesting guy. I think you're a funny dude, you know? You got to get it -- You got to put it together. You know, a whole minute on -- You know, people don't really want a picture you get in. You're getting your prostate checked. You know what I mean? -We -- I didn't get a picture with you. -That was my next question. I don't know how you knew that, but I wanted to see -- I wanted to see what it looked like. But I like your style, man. Like I said, we have all different shapes and sizes of people signing up nowadays, and I like that you came up here. Here's a Medium joke book, my friend. Robert Lee. -Thank you all. -Getting "Tonight's Bucket" started. Very long interview, very interesting guy. Very fun, and we're off and running. We are -- Oh, there she is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, in real life. The real deal, a modern-day Vanna White. Half the year's over. If your credit still needs to work, the time is now. Kickoff makes building credit simple and affordable. Getting started with Kickoff just takes a few minutes right from your phone. It's just $1 for your first month, and there's no credit check, no hidden fees, and no interest. 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For Kickoff credit account users who started with a score below 600, who paid on time, and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period, late payments may negatively affect your credit score. Individual results may vary. All right, here we go. Speaking of lovely ladies, it's our first female comedian of the night. Make some noise for Lauren Baker, everybody. Here we go. ♪♪ Oh, man, when I was waiting to sign up here, waiting in a pub, a man came up to me and tried to sign up on my comedy notebook. He was so certain that I was the list that he's tried to sign up five minutes early. Like, I know I have clipboard energy, but that's a bit excessive. Anyway, clipboard energy, I do have it, whether or not you can tell. Picture me in a psychiatric facility. This is a game I invented. So I would try to find a little spot that looked like a UFO or UAP. Okay? Hop on it and go like this. What? What? This is a game I invented when I was balls deep in psychosis. Did I mention I was a patient? Picture me in red scrubs, light blue grippy socks. This game was called "Deadpool Pan's Labyrinth." I know what you're thinking, you see no Deadpool in it. I thought about Rosebud Baker, she's a comedian. One of her sisters died in a hot tub. I thought about her the whole time. Okay, Lauren Baker has made her "Kill Tony" debut. Welcome, Lauren. How are you? Oh, I am excellent. Welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? So, the first time I did stand-up, the first time was when I was 19, so 14 years if you go from that, but most of that has been off. Right. It seems like you were doing some things in between then and now. Okay, what do you do for work, Lauren? I help people accomplish things they've been putting off. What exactly do you mean? I hold space for people to process feelings and also hold them accountable for productivity. I'm a coach. Okay. Jimmy-- *laughter* i'm loving these faces oh give it to me buddy i think i don't want you to take this the wrong way but i think you should try stand up i love that i think i i like the energy and there seems to be a lot of story here somewhere yeah we need jokes you know what you had great ideas i don't know what was going on but it wasn't jokes you want to know what was going on what was going on oh my god so i spent all day prepping one set okay i'm here with my boyfriend who's also comic and another friend i spent like five hours prepping my one minute set and then when we're here my partner was like are you gonna do the deadpool pan's labyrinth you should do that and i've done it one time so far uh and i was like fuck he's got good intuition like he could be right and i wrote a new untested set so a couple of things firstly leave him he's he's he's bad for you you could do so much better what what was the what was the joke in the original set yeah what would be the joke that you've done before that's worked yep tall men aren't more attractive they're just easier to find in a crowd it's a risk management technique you want me to do all of it because i'm going to take a second to remember the whole minute i planned if you don't have if you don't have it memorized then no we won't make it you do it we're asking like it's memorized somewhere just keep talking how often do you do this how often do you try stand up so for the past i've really like gotten back into the past like seven months and would do depending on the week like one to four okay and you don't have like a minute that you i do absolutely have a minute i have so many minutes again i just threw it out last minute and then literally while i was waiting to be called i was like there's so many people here there's no way i'm gonna get called i'll just put my notebook away chill out and then but then when you did and you had a little like few minutes probably back there right you're like okay so here's what i'm going to do i'm going to talk about what happened during the signups for like 20 seconds and then i'm going to do an impression of what i did when i was at a mental hospital for the next 40 seconds you know i understand the opinion i super appreciate the feedback it's not even it's not even feedback i'm just i'm not i'm not even giving feedback i'm just saying what you did what you did oh you were absolutely giving feedback and i'm i'm no no no no no no i'm saying what you did i'm feedback would be if i gave an opinion on what you did which i okay oh i bet you're a lot of fun um the look on my face is feedback imagine what this boyfriend must be going through holy shit no i just said what you did that's not feedback keep her talking give him a chance to run i hear you okay okay sticking with it so uh all right lauren um what do you do for a living other than you make money coaching people you people have it so bad in this life that they're literally like i'm going to lauren baker for help honestly yeah would you believe it you make good money doing that what do you charge people just out of curiosity there might be somebody that needs to depend on the container container it's a coaching term this is getting nerdy fast it's okay can you explain it sure so it would depend on the context right what how long am i coaching you hourly are you doing a package let's say it's hourly let's say let's say it's hourly i'm just curious 150 bucks 150 bucks an hour and about how many clients do you have right now a dozen wow that is absolutely fucking mind-boggling i mean i think i need to get my shit i love it and how long have you been doing that lauren uh year and a half year and a half and what made you get into that what made you think you know what i can do this i can help people get their lives together proof of concept that's a good question john d's actually who rarely ever says anything on the show has a great question what is your success rate oh ballpark what do you give me information about what you want for that metric oh my god um all right are you a life coach are you a life coach yes sir okay so your training is mental illness and you're telling people that what they need to do and you don't know what your success rate is i don't specifically handle mental illness no sir that would require like different certifications that's not what i said oh d madness is jumping in let's sorry i would really appreciate to understand your question right i know we're trying our best with you lauren you really we really are and this always works with everybody else that should tell you something we're really good at this yeah we're really good at this we have a 100 success rate here red band oh my god uh jimmy carr i just i feel like you kind of nailed it with the clipboard energy yeah thank you yeah you feel like you're fighting the system here you came out you did a minute it was pretty terrible and we we want to help we want people to do well and we're trying to get some stories out of you and there's a lot of resistance to that a lot of resistance but like that thing of like going you could just tell us about yourself so you were in a mental institution yeah why were you in there i got diagnosed with schizophrenia last year oh that's a big thing okay so let me just let me just jump in for a second so a year and a half ago you started life coaching and last year you got diagnosed with schizophrenia yeah i think i'm figuring out why we don't have an exact success rate number but tony schizophrenia that means you can multitask right there's different things going on yeah there's a lot of people in there in that institution was there did there happen to be a stainless steel shit jack john dees is wondering if all of your clients are you john dees on the keys ben i wish i love that you're laughing up here while being resistant and you're you seem like you have a great sense of humor uh i wish i had shown it to you sign up again sign up again write prepare and stick with your guts that you that before you sign up like do what you're going to do come in with a plan and then we'll have a fun interview and we'll do it again next time there you go there's a little medium joke book lauren baker ladies and gentlemen we're cooking we are cooking what did i tell you sometimes it's a old person sometimes it's a young brand new mentally ill person i fucking nailed that shit from the top before putting my hand in a fucking bucket i was calling this shit you never know what could happen next make some noise for your next bucket pool it's greg anderson everybody here we go you all right i am also a schizophrenic life coach thank you thank you yeah yeah um everybody i am uh reconnecting with my uh mom on social media thank you thank you thank you i super liked her and she unmatched with me so that's uh yeah yeah a little rough tinder joke for you thank you yeah you've never been on tinder in your life okay martin is making a story about me and my friend's life in uh austin texas and it's called the deported so that's very exciting yeah yeah thank you thank you uh i've been dating a lot of tall girls these days be but uh i don't like all the stubble yeah that's a little rough thank you thank you you guys are a great crowd let's give it up for you guys fuck yeah fuck yeah yeah all right all right i went to a beach uh with my uh sister uh tropical vacation and uh she got stung by jellyfish on her arms torso and legs and so i pissed in her mouth and let her figure it out so thank you thank you funny guy greg anderson welcome greg thank you thank you welcome greg how long you been doing stand-up i've been doing stand-up for about 12 years and i started in vietnam wow tell us about that how do you start there uh i was uh spit out the the ugly bottom of the poetry community no i stopped doing poetry which is good good call and uh i started doing stand-up and uh and uh in vietnam and then i did that for seven years and then i went to bangkok and did it for a couple years in bangkok yeah but anyways let me tell you okay go right ahead greg go right ahead some crazy drugs i like talking about salvia uh i'm okay some fans normal people you don't know what that is you're a good person um uh and then i married a co-worker this is an old old story i married a co-worker a russian girl and we got married for her citizenship good story yeah yeah that was a long time ago though okay yeah so where where was where was your uh where were you working at the time were you working in a bar we were shucking oysters in toronto nice but one more thing tony okay i'll you're kind of trying to i'm excited i'm jacked up very good you go ahead with the one more thing and i'll decide where we go from there exactly go right ahead i'm i'm lobbing the ball to you let me and i'll just try to keep it short thank you my friend you don't even have to say that you could just say the thing you're right uh i have a killer closer that i love okay usually works in front of a more ragtag audience than this but it's i i yell to the crowd i say Who wants to see me get punched in the stomach by a hot girl from the crowd? And they go nuts, you know, but maybe that's not appropriate. I don't, it probably takes. We're not going to do that. Good, good, good call. Good call. Your thing. Way to set us up for a nice lawsuit, though. I like your style. You're trying to make it all in one appearance here. True. I love it. Congratulations. So I'm deciding to go back to how did you end up in Vietnam in the first place? Money. I was in Vancouver, and you ever get that feeling in cities where it's like, I don't think the city wants me to live here anymore. Yeah, and so I moved to Vancouver. First I moved to Taiwan, and then that was okay. Teaching English. I have an English degree. Nice. And then I went to Vietnam, and Vietnam was pretty fucking good. That's what I've heard. Yeah, yeah. Tell us about it. Be a tour guide for Vietnam. If we were in Vietnam, if I was in Vietnam right now, I would have a piece of shit motorbike, and I'd ride that fucking thing wherever the fuck I wanted to. So fucking fun. If you go to Vietnam, don't ride a motorbike. Oh, thank you. Keep going, keep going. If you're going to Vietnam, don't ride a motorbike in Hanoi. Don't ride a motorbike in Ho Chi Minh. But get on a bike outside of town, and it's like you're in on the fucking road, dude. It's amazing. Okay, so then from Vietnam you go to Bangkok. Yeah, Bangkok was great. What made you go to Bangkok? I was temporarily banned from flying into Vietnam. Perfect. Yeah. Okie dokie. That was tough. And we hit the goldmine here. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever get the feeling that a country doesn't want you there anymore? Yes. Good guess. How did you get banned? I've had that feeling a few times. Why did you get banned from flying into Vietnam? COVID. I spent my entire COVID in Vietnam. And so I had the Cadillac of visas, which is a TRC, which is a two-year temporary residency card. And so you're only supposed to, you get that card, you're only supposed to work for one place that gets you that card. I was like, I'm not going to give this card back and I'm going to work for whoever the fuck I want. Right. And, but it was COVID. Sometimes I couldn't fly out. So they did not like that. I paid a $740 fine to immigration. And I thought I was still going to get back in the country because I'm an idiot. And so I flew into Bangkok and then they were like. Right. During COVID, you're like, how do I get closer to Wuhan? Exactly. Exactly. Let's get to the source. Yeah. So then you're in Bangkok. And then what do you do in Bangkok? So I'm trapped in Bangkok. And I'm trapped in Bangkok. I, I'm doing a whole bunch of standup, a bunch of my buddies are there. Great standup scene. And, um, you did a show in standup. All my buddies went, I think. And so, uh, he does travel the world. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Lobbing the ball to you anyway. No, sorry. Uh, and then, so, um, I, uh, did I finish any stories in the show? I'm trying. I'm fucking trying. So I started doing a bunch of standup and then I picked up another English teaching job. I just signed a year contract. I do another year teaching in, uh, Bangkok. Okay. Where do you live right now? Right now I live here. I came here from Vancouver to do standup. Austin, Texas. Yeah. How long ago did you move to Austin, Texas? Two and a half months. Two months. And what have you learned about Austin, Texas? You've been all around the world. Freaking the fucking cave. Sorry. What stands out to you about Austin, Texas? Don't give shout outs for, to places to get more spots right now. Sorry. Just, we're focusing on the entire city. Uh, different kind of friendliness. Canadians have a friendly reputation, Texans have a very friendly reputation, slightly different. You know, I think the, the friendliness in Canada is a little passive aggressive or like a little standoffish. I agree. And I actually love this answer. I feel like it's something that we don't talk about often enough here is the friendliness of Texas. Definitely. They say Southern hospitality, right? They say it. Yeah. And welcoming. They say welcoming. And so, uh, but the, the friendliness in Texas is fucking up front. We're doing this. Yep. I'm being friendly. Let's fucking go. Yeah. It really is. You are spot on. I do love that. I don't even know if that's ever really been your knowledge. Somehow we always graze over that on this show, but people are very friendly here. Jimmy Carr. I think it's because we, we know they could be armed. The guns. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. It's really, what are Canadians? They're unarmed Americans is what they are. Right. Yeah. You don't need to be as friendly up there. What are they going to do? Throw a fucking Tim Hortons donut at you. Right. Exactly. And then we have a, Canada has a Texas too. I, you know, we have Calgary, Calgary, which is fucking oil cows, cowboy hats. No guns though. Yeah. No guns. It's just true. True. We don't have street guns. We have like, Oh, I'm a moose hunter gun. Right. But every once in a while you still have your mass shooters up there. We try. Yeah, absolutely. So how do you make money now? Great. Now that you're in Austin, Texas, cause everybody knows how to speak English here. My dad died. Ooh. Pink. How did dad die? I think hit by a moose gun. Hit by a moose gun. Fucking nailed it. Sorry. Don't do that. Don't do that. Over here. Over here. How did dad die? Dad died. He got old and he had a disease that they didn't know he had. He had like a genetic disease. And that's in Canada, right? Canada, yeah. Did they give him the. Oh, they kill him? Did they give him the suicide? They did not kill him. They love doing that there, Jimmy Carter. They do. So, sorry, I don't know if you've had time to process this loss, but he died of a genetic disease and you realized he was your father. I know. I know. Yeah, I got the call and I haven't followed up about that. Yeah, yeah. 50-50 chance right here. I think I'm sick. I think I'm ill. Perfect. Great. Let me ask you this. Out of all the women that you hooked up with in Vietnam, Bangkok, anything like that, any of them ladyboys? No. One. The scariest thing about ladyboys in the comedy scene was we would have comedians come through there from like fucking Hong Kong and shit like that. And then some of the dudes would be like, hey, isn't it funny how you can sleep with a ladyboy and not be gay? And all the other comedians would be like, no, he's fucking gay. Yeah, yeah, you know. That's it? That's. Okay. Yeah, that's it. We covered that earlier here. Yeah, okay. Okay, Greg, no kids, no girlfriend? No kids, no girlfriend right now. How have you avoided that? No kids? Yeah. One near miss, you know, one big A, one. Yeah, where was that at? That was in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Ooh, Thunder Bay, very specific. Yeah, yeah. There's a casino there. I'll always remember that. It's a terrible name for her vagina. Thunder Bay, there it is. And you guys took care of that. You got a Canadian abortion. She took care of it, thank God. She was very cool about it. And yeah, yeah. And you know, I wasn't, thank God, you know, like, and she was very cool about it, and I'm not gonna say her name right now. Perfect, yes, don't do that. No need for the shout-outs here. True, true. All right, Greg. Believe it or not, I really like your style, Greg. I got a Big Bucky's joke book here. Proper jokes. Yeah, he did. You had jokes. You made us laugh. There's a Big Bucky's sponsor joke book. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Greg Anderson, everybody. We're having fun here. I'm loving this episode so far. We're flying. We're flying through it. We have the great fucking Jimmy Carr here. He's got a new book that you can pre-order right now. It comes out in October officially, but you can pre-order it on Amazon. It is called On Jokes. And let me tell you, I don't know if you've seen it. You probably have. He's a global superstar, but this is truly one of the best joke writers in the world. And he wrote a book about how to write jokes. So for all of you listening out there, this is the fucking man. Pre-order the book. Do it. All right. Thanks. Yeah. Your next bucket pool. This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Michael Head, everybody. Michael Head. Thanks, guys. When I was in high school, I actually got bullied by a retarded kid. I don't know what type, like where he was on the spectrum, but his special needs were to just tackle me for no reason. Like I'm standing on the sidelines still getting blindsided helmet to helmet by retard strength. I was scared. I'd get a knife. I didn't have enough concussions to become like him. That's how it spreads. But I couldn't get him back, right? Because he doesn't know any better. So I got the other teams to bully him back because they didn't know he was retarded. I told him he was a five-star prospect. Like, just wait till they put 99 in, bitch. He's a killer. He just signed with the Texas Longhorns. He's, they don't play him till the fourth, so he won't get hurt. That way, when he finally got in the game, they tried to hurt him. And he didn't get hurt. You guys know, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how you play the game, right? Thanks a bunch, man. That's all I got. Thanks. Oh, yeah. 55 seconds from Michael Head. Sounds like a true story to me. Yeah, it is. Welcome, Michael. It'll be 15 years in November. Nice. Where at? Where were these 15 years at? I started in Tallahassee, mostly in Florida, a couple years in L.A. Okay, cool. You're in L.A. now? No, no. I live here now. How long ago did you move here? About six months ago. Okay. How do you live here? How do you like Austin? I like it a lot, man. I like just grinding out mics. That's really why I came here. You're having fun. You have a day job? I do, yeah. I'm a dispatcher for, like, a AAA provider. Oh, cool. Hell, yeah. How long have you been on the red band diet? Look at you, boy. I grew up in Florida, dude. I got postpartum diabetes. I love it. I love it, Michael. I love it. Have you ever looked to see what the retarded bully is now up to in life? You ever do that? It's weird. I feel like he was, like, 23 for some reason playing football with high school. Yeah. Hopefully he's dead now. Oh, my goodness. What can I say? Oh, my goodness. Luckily, if he watches this, he'll have no idea what you just said. Amazing. So 15 years, most of it in Florida. Now you're here in Austin. You're dispatching for AAA type of things. What do you do for fun? You look like a guy that has a lot of collectibles, a lot of hobbies. Actually, I used to be big into toys. I'm actually like a writer all the time. I'm a screenwriter. Okay. And I actually did a semester in London where I, you know, got to see Jimmy Carr on It Out of 10 Cats and all that stuff. Nice. Huge fan of you, sir. Oh, well, that's very nice of you to say. Thank you very much. Hell, yeah. Jimmy Carr, meet Jimmy Truck. The big old boy. Michael, have you been, like, dating at all? Are you into that? I'm trying not since I moved here, yeah. I had a little thing back home before I moved here. Have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas yet? No, no. Really? Well, let me tell you something about this. This is a crazy show. We have a history on this show of giving a guy his first kiss ever in Austin, Texas. In Austin, not ever. We have the best fan base in the world. They all are the coolest chicks. It has to be their idea. A lot of friends over here trying to get their friend raped. I've got a serious dry mouth, too. Oh, disgusting. Michael. It could be bad. Michael, take a sip. Crack a can of this water real quick. Take that. Is there a girl out there in the crowd that fucking wants to stand up and be a hero on this episode of Kill Tony? It'll only be seen by millions of people. She literally doesn't want to. I could take it or leave it. I'll be honest. No pressure. Anybody else? Anybody? Really? Nobody? Oh, okay. Come on over. Here, send her. Give her the shortcut, guys. We have a hero, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Look at this awesome chick making dreams come true. This is his first Austin kiss. Wow. Unbelievable. Oh, my God, you guys. Look how happy he is. Jimmy, what do you think about that? You know what you did? You just stole your bully's make-a-wish. Yeah. Yes, you did. You did. That is incredible. Oh, man. Yeah, that was good. Thanks. Whoa. Come on. What's your name, sweetheart? Megan. Megan, find me after. What kind of Asian? What kind of Asian are you, Megan? Vietnamese. Look at that. Amazing. That'll work, yeah. That's one of the greatest acts of war the Vietnamese have ever done in American soil. Talk about a booby trap, right? Hello. I love it. I'm pretty sure you blew your head off before you even went to Vietnam in full metal jacket. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is amazing. Michael, any other fun facts about Michael that we should know about? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? Oh, hmm. I don't know. What kind of toys did you collect before? You said you collected toys. Dude, like Batman the Animated Series stuff. Like all the classic action figures that I destroyed when I was a kid. So I'd buy them and then try to eBay them off. I love it. Oh, it's the worst. How about now? You got nothing now? Now I'm mostly sports gambling. Oh, okay. It's that void. How about you? Did you gamble on the UFC this past weekend at all? No, not on UFC. I lost vast sums of money betting on Conor McGregor. Vast sums of money, ladies and gentlemen. Because if he would have gotten a knockout in the first two rounds, I would have won vaster sums of money. Nah, it was fine. It was only a few hundred bucks. But I could have won a lot, believe it or not. What do you gamble on, Michael? You seem like a. WNBA. Oh, wow. Look at that. We found the fan. Yeah. We did it. I don't watch the games. I just bet them to go under in the points and it works. Are you serious? That is hilarious. That is not very good. That is hilarious. Do you do that as a joke? Yeah. I'm going to start a whole subreddit about this. I need to be making money on my tip. That needs to be part of your stand-up. That's hilarious. Just take the under. That is incredible. Prepartum diabetes is in the set, right? Yeah, yeah. You should have opened with that. That's a great line. My buddy gave me that tag. He'll be shocked. No, that's great. That's fantastic. I mean, absolutely incredible. Well, Michael, very fun. Very fun set. Here's a big joke book. Welcome. There he goes. The Kill Tony debut of Michael Head, ladies and gentlemen. All right. You know what? We're going to get one of our great regulars out here. We love this guy. He does a brand new Minute Plus every week. Not easy to do at all. One of the hardest things to do in the entire industry. Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching him grow and explode in front of your very eyes. This is the black shogun, the dark storm of Austin, Texas, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? Can I open up to you? Do you think, like, you know when you first meet, like, your friends' kids? Like, they just drop. They just drop a new baby. And then when you go meet the baby, when you touch the baby, the baby start crying. It's because the baby remember all the nut punches you gave his father? You know, like a revenge punch. Like, they hit you in the balls. So you hit that nigga. You was like, your kids go feel it. But now you get to see it. Now you get to see it. I've been trying. Now I get to punch my nephews now. They like 15 years old and they get disrespectful. One of my nephews walked in the house. All the rest of them was Uncle Daddy, Uncle Daddy. He looked at me. He was like, what? What's up, Dedrick? Like, like, I know that nigga. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, like, I'm not, like, I'm not friends with you. So, like, so I punched that nigga in his chest. Right? And then he said, why did you punch me? So I hit him again because I hate stupid questions. Right? I hate, I hate stupid questions. And I hate these little bad kids. So I had to get stronger now because now that nigga taller than me. And so I've been eating trail mix so I can get old man strength. Yeah, I love trail mix. Trail mix, you can eat 20 things at one time. Right? It's like a dry smoothie. Right? It's a dry smoothie. And if you drink a smoothie and eat trail mix, you can have 72 flavors in your mouth at one time. And trail mix is poppin'. It wasn't poppin' back in the day because them niggas didn't know M&M's have to be in there. Right? Like, don't, don't bring me. Because if the M&M's ain't in there, it's just shit from outside. Right? That's all it is. That's my time. I love y'all. One minute, 39 seconds. Always working harder than he has to. Dry smoothie. Hilarious. So funny. And the M&M's, I mean, you covered it, dude. That's fucking, that is what trail mix is doing out there. I'm thinking about bringing out my own line of trail mix, but I'm going to make it like Delta-8 trail mix. Yeah, since I'm going to have a whole line of Delta-8 trail mix. Delta-8 trail mix is Delta-8 beef jerky coming out in September. We'll be working on it. I'm waiting for Red Band to write the check. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I mean, let's face it. The more good shit that's in trail mix, the better it is. There's some that have the little peanut butter bites. Yeah. Some with M&M's. In all reality, in some world, there is a trail mix that just has the bonus stuff in it. The raisins. The M&M's. The peanut butter. The peanut butter bites. You said the raisins is a bonus? That's the whitest shit you've ever said to me. Oh. That's the whitest. I ain't never, I forgot you was white until you said that. Oh. I knew you was Italian, but now I know you also white. Oh. Like raisins. What, black people? Black people don't eat their own kind? No. No, that's the raisins in the sun. You know raisins are grapes, right? Yeah. Oh, I see what you're doing. That's hilarious. That's hilarious, white dad. I love you so much. I just, no, raisins is nasty. Y'all be putting that shit in stuff that nobody has. Oh, you're talking about our potato salad right now. Yeah, you knew I was going to get you here. Oh my God. Yeah, no, we don't fuck with the raisins unless there's M&M's next to them. Right. Then I won't notice the raisins in there. I'm with you. There's nothing more disappointing than a raisin when you thought it was going to be a chocolate chip. Let's fuck it. That is true. That is true. If you're thinking it's a chocolate chip and it's a raisin, that's a little bit tough. I'm going to go with my senior raisin correspondent here, Brian Redbeck. You know what, Tony? I agree with you. The raisins, it's nice to have a little sweetness to it. And I like cranberries. I like cranberries also. Ooh, cranberries. I do like the cranberries. Cranberries is good. Because they got like a different bag. When you go to the airport, they got like all the different kind of trail mixes you can get. Sometimes I try to mix them together. While I ask, I've been putting these, they got these cinnamon pecans and these honey roasted cashews. Pecans? And pecans. Oh my goodness. You know what I'm talking about? Sounds like something you'd find on R. Kelly's floor. Pecans. Oh my goodness gracious. I feel like I fell into a subreddit. are talking trail mix right now it's another rare treat here on the show we have trail mix where i'm from i don't really that's why y'all lost the war too soon too soon they just have aluminum cans of herring or whatever it is some some some fish in gel chicken and shit like that beans and toast yeah i'm just but i love y'all y'all good london is london is one of the few places dedrick is still allowed to fly into so trying to keep things square over there get locked up over there too i just want to see i want to tour the jails too while i'm out there because some people just overlook the jails when they travel and it's like right you gotta go in there and meet the real people that's right so you could get the real secrets right i wouldn't have known when i was in jail japan they got they they mcdonald's like they have to use like real ingredients and at night they got a thing called it's called a big mac and it's like two like double cheeseburgers like put together like and then they give like 10 nuggets and it's only three dollars and 15 cents that's what the uh my niggas in the yakuza told me before i left whoa jimmy jimmy jimmy could you doctor do a little catch me up uh with the with the prison in japan oh uh so i was i was being a really cool dude uh i was being really cool dude i was doing some shows out in florida and we and then somebody somebody left their drugs in my bag and then japanese people love finding drugs so they found it and then they was like you just stay here for like 23 days uh yeah in a cell yeah in a cell like sleeping on the floor and then um yeah i they said do you want us to contact somebody i said call joe rogan you know i'm saying i said call they called joe rogan tell tony where i'm so they they came out joe rogan came out there and got me up out of there and then we what was it like a jailbreak or they paid the bond no it wasn't a jailbreak because i could i didn't want to break out because they don't give like bail out to like americans because they'll say like they think you're gonna flee but i was like but y'all have my phone so i can't what like how i'm gonna get back like you know i mean how am i gonna book a flight like you know i'm saying they was like oh well you could jump on the ship i said nick i'm not living on the ship for three months right i can't swim so i i yeah so i just stayed in the jail and shit i'm with you on the phone thing come on man i sometimes think if i lost my phone i'm kind of effectively homeless yeah it's our you're technically in once they took the phone that felt more like jail because the jail because i kept getting like ghost vibrations like when i was inside the jail like i kept being like somebody calling me but i don't got they don't give you pockets in jail so i was and i was like oh yes it can't be in my pocket amazing so 23 days in a japanese jail yeah and and have you kept in touch with anyone yeah two uh two two of the guys two of the guys i taught them how to get bail and stuff like that we i taught them how to like write letters to the judge i used to do that when i was a delinquent when i was a kid i used to go to jail before you were and then i stopped and then i went back again i just wanted to see what japan you know i really i wanted to sensei honestly i just wanted i wanted to sensei and i wanted to get stronger you know i'm saying so i thought okay let's just go to jail same amazing i love watching i love watching the british communicate with pure atlanta just ghetto thuggery i love it i mean that is literally like that's what it's like when they make neapolitan and the vanilla touches the chocolate sometimes and they're like we're not we're not the same at all we are not the same at all amazing well dedrick i mean you're just a stone cold assassin we fucking love you you did it again one of the top young rising comedians in the world ladies and gentlemen bedrick flynn and we go on and on this young man is an absolute fucking uh rising star as well one of the elite door guys here at the comedy mothership uh make some noise this is a brand new minute from jay legend everybody we know jay we love jay very funny man i know i'm black before i say this uh i don't think racism should end uh i think we should just quarantine them all in one place so they could be around like-minded people i think that one place should be antarctica because it's hard to say nigga and be cold you'd be out there like there man you good it's a lot of white people here that make me comfortable something i like to do to make y'all comfortable is i like to give y'all black words y'all can use in public they're not gonna sound like black words until i use them in a sentence so be patient all right the black words are cologne discreet and innuendo these are three of the black words i use them all the time but i know they don't sound like it so i use them in a sentence you wanna be my white spokesperson for tonight you enjoying yourself all right good all right the black words i told you cologne discreet innuendo uh i'm not getting paid for this okay so do you think you cologne me some money i'm not playing because i've been out here in discreets and if you say no i'm gonna follow you home and climb in your window hey yo that's my time brilliant dismount by jay legend he's done it again folks the legend of bags and boxes let's go let's go as he has you've merged it you have branding now look at you you know i fucked up last time wow brilliant maneuver jimmy amazing set right fantastic fantastic wordplay great writing i loved it man i love the swagger as well me too usually i don't like a nigga in a three-piece but you do that shit with the pinstripes the gloves don't fit you must acquit jay legend how's it been going good man i've been trying to get my life correct i'd almost died a couple months back i'm fucking tell the people about that we know about that yeah i almost died fucking been smoking too much weed and my lungs tried to give up on me and i went to the hospital they had me in there they was gonna hook me up to some tubes but that's what's going to happen save my life because the doctor was like we want to shove this tube in your throat i was like y'all ain't serving shit in my throat y'all could get that shit right now i'm not gonna be gay in front of my child here hell yeah your kid was with you at the hospital yeah his mom and them brought him out because they thought i was gonna die so they was all in there scared wow what are your lungs yeah like i smoked i'm an asmetic so they already weak as fuck and then i don't stop smoking i blame my lungs it's like nigga you need to stop and i almost i wasn't breathing for like an hour like 30 minutes 45 minutes and then i you wasn't you wasn't breathing i wasn't breathing dog oh you're gonna believe i wasn't breathing nigga damn oh my god so uh what color do you people turn when you don't breathe for an hour because we turn blue i don't know oh here's our senior color um tell us what that was yeah go ahead jimmy you just say you people and he just arrived okay oh we have this thing down to a system oh he's got sunglasses on yeah i just want to look like my dad my dad d madness he never seen me before c madness j legend so uh jay do you know your real dad yeah i know him oh okay what's he up to you tell him me when's the last time you talked to him i called him two days ago what happened i hear your answer phone disconnected or voicemail now actually what happened was he said he picked up he's like i'm gonna call you back and it's been two weeks so wow damn it's cool we got a good relationship we'd be smoking that's my friend more than my dad oh okay so we'd be chilling smoking you you're still smoking now despite the remember the new i'm not a quitter you what do you want me to quit we we gotta find you a new drug all the other shit's bad what do you do well i mean this nigga trying to get me to do coke or crack or something have you thought of edibles though or you know everybody can't do edibles yeah red band's like have you tried eating your troubles away my bad now jimmy you tell edibles does he mean sandwiches yes yeah okay yeah now jimmy you cold plunge and sauna right this is ultimate white people drugs yes the old wpd cold plunge and sauna you ever cold plunge before yeah how was that dumb as fuck you didn't like it tell us about your cold plunge experience myself by the way that might be i think i just came up with the what would be the most watched show in internet history black people cold plunging ladies and gentlemen i mean i think i just have to absolutely start this show john dees would you do it hell no yeah okay all right cold plunge and be like n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nigger no i i wouldn't you would be in there i would just say it yeah i wouldn't stutter at all i'd be nice and warm me right after chest bump i love it so jay how old's your kid i got two a four-year-old son he autistic and a one-year-old regular daughter okay regular daughter yeah regular daughter you know what signs to check for after that first time he was like all right what's autistic about the four-year-old how do you know he's autistic well he was he's speech delayed and he'd be stemming a lot stemming is like when they like like you ever got shocked by like a fucking tape and they do that they body just the electric the electric don't make it to their whole body so they fucking just stiff up okay you've never seen a stemmy just like they like get it you'd be like watching word party i'm like all right now i'm the fuck down if i send you with your mom all right yeah this is real life jimmy these are the streets of austin texas right now discreet discreet discreet hell yeah they will climb innuendo so jay what else is going on anything else crazy before we get you out of here uh i got this song on spotify if anybody ever was watch the episode when i did bags and boxes that shit on spotify it's on spotify i love it you're trying to get me out of here quick i'm on the clock i'm trying to stay up here longer you're doing this is a full interview you did it it just flew by yeah it's a little bit easier every time it does it does but yeah i ain't got nothing else follow me at j legend comedy on all social media platforms other than that come watch me uh unlock your phones after this i'll do that shit yep he is working here he does work here fastest ones watch when you get down there you're like red band yeah i would love to have you on the secret show thursday on to the next one we go we're having fun here we always have fun one more time for the great jimmy carr hanging out with us he this guy gets it a man of the great theaters and venues and also of the motherfucking streets he gets it makes noise for your next bucket pool jules via lobo everybody jules via lobo hey guys how's everybody doing right on yeah so uh i live in denver right now we're dealing with wildfires sucks because you can barely see the beautiful mountains reminds me of a time i used to manage a strip club i actually had a stripper named wildfire who could barely see uh yeah we had to uh pick up her tips from the stage after she would dance it uh it sucked because one time she was uh giving a lap dance and uh the guy was sitting in his chair and he he moved to the side she didn't realize it or recognize it she couldn't see shit so she just ate it she just straight up ate it it was it was a thing i'm gonna end it with this uh what did what what did one stoned mushroom with chips say to another stoned mushroom shit takis wow jules via lobo everybody yikes jules welcome welcome jules how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy tony this is my first time wow what made you want to start today tony i'm a big fan of the show and i know you say all the time why am i not sitting over there man i uh wait wait wait what do i say all the time you always say if you're a big fan of the show why aren't you sitting in the chairs as opposed to performing oh to people that don't prepare and sign up and bomb for a minute right wait go ahead okay so now what's your point what were you gonna say big fan tony right man okay all right this is you're being weird relax um so do you stand up a thing that you even want to do or should i just get you out of here and get a name out of the bucket i dj so i i really just want to come up here uh express how much i love the show make a couple people chuckle and uh let them know that what you have going on you did some of that uh jimmy yeah just relax breathe in through the nose out with the hopes and dreams yeah yeah jules if you just came up here to tell us big fan and that you like us thank you so much we're gonna keep it moving along thank you there he goes jules via lobo buddy you know every once in a while you try with these people lovey said yeah well i mean they know i do say don't sign up if you're not prepared and don't take it seriously let's take a moment to thank the people out there that have not prepared a minute and didn't sign up thank you that's a good point a hand for you guys for not signing up while not preparing all right ladies and gentlemen this young man does stand-up comedy funny guys been on this show before i recognize the name make some noise this is a brand new minute for andrew packer everybody america i'm so happy to be back man this is great america's been rubbing off on me quite a bit i've been i went to texas here seven times this year and i'm so happy to be back man this past year man and uh yeah the last trip i went to a gun range and i shot guns for the first time in my life and that is the austin response to that i guess i was talking about this in dallas and the whole crowd just instantly explosive applause just like massive like they started a usa chant the usa usa i closed on it i couldn't follow it i did 12 seconds on the show that night and dudes came up to me after they were happy they're like bro what's your instagram i was like like the way you said like i shot guns and we went usa i was so nuanced crazy man and life's so exciting right now man uh my wife and i were talking about having kids and we're talking about it a lot because she's pregnant really dominating the conversation yeah i don't want the bear what's up andrew packer hello welcome you did it andrew remind everybody because i don't think everyone knows where are you from i'm from canada right what part of canada or toronto okay toronto canada jimmy knows it well jimmy what do you think about andrew packer well i think if you'd opened on the last bit i would have preferred it i thought it was a great joke i'm talking about having kids she's pregnant it was a great gag i'd open on that yeah i thought the other bit was a little bit weaker but i kind of liked it the whole time i was thinking this is what it would look like if we try if we found like a hair from theo von and we re-grew like like like we're gonna regrow him in a lab and we're gonna bring him up in canada so nothing interesting happens to him there is a touch of that you do have an odd uh swagger slight swagger to you there's no sleeps tonight oh no no there it is hot so uh what's going on andrew you have you have a pregnant wife how pregnant is she she is so pregnant that i shouldn't be here amazing amazing but she supports you huh yeah yeah yeah she does man how far along are we talking she's like 38 weeks pregnant right now yeah i i fly back tomorrow wow i i go i love you so much are you gonna are you gonna be there for the birth absolutely man yeah yeah the shoulders and above my friend shoulders and above you've got no business down the business end when that's going on it's not dignified for it's not great for you either it's like watching your favorite bar burn down yeah you'll be looking on thinking about all the good times you had in there sure you know they're gonna rebuild it but it's never gonna be the same have you witnessed her birth have i what sorry have you witnessed her birth like do you have yeah i was i was at one um you just someone's no it was it was mine yeah very relatable i guess yeah thank you yeah yeah no i've i've yeah i've been to some births yeah yeah yeah it's uh they let you in you you laugh weird and they're like that's he's he's here sometimes yeah got it it is iconic that laugh is iconic so andrew this is your first kid coming out yeah first one will be a dad yeah i love it and how long have you been away from her she's up in canada uh yeah i just uh she's up in canada and i like i flew in yesterday you flew into austin yesterday yeah yeah for what this yeah just wow take a shot incredible look at you could have easily just ended up at shakespeare's and missed the birth of your first child really just living the dream i love it risky business taking a chance kenny's the kind of irresponsible i like in a community heard of russian roulette this must be canadian roulette signing up for kill tony when your wife could burst at any moment Yeah, amazing So what else is going on in life Andrew? What have what are we been missing up in the old CA? I mean, this is really dominating the focus lately It's just becoming like a dad and just focusing on make sure making sure that that goes What are your plans for being a good dad? Are you doing anything outside of the box any plans doing anything different? I I mean my dad is pretty solid. So I'm just trying to like go off of his plan What did your dad do that you respect that you like use it around? That's a pretty big deal. Yes, we've heard from some of our black comedians earlier That's a pretty big deal being around is a big deal. You know, there's sex and a name I'm sure you do. But what are you asking about sex with my baby right now? Yeah Yeah, it's a boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you gonna name him? Ah, we don't know. Yeah. Yeah the last same like Packer It's time a lot of options. It makes heater packer Fred Packer Peter Packer picked a patch of Pickled peppers, perhaps it's actually that's what makes it so challenging He's like, you know, like it's because you're very limited on the first names you can give when your last names packer You know, like I'll never have a son named Richard right or fudge Nada, I want to name him pussy. I feel like Pussy Packer, I got the only last name that makes pussy the hardest first name in the game. Oh The world is pussy Packer. No one's wife is safe Absolutely, there's probably a name that you could do that kind of, you know, it seems like like gash maybe calm cash, you know gash Packer I'll run that by my wife. Yeah, she's totally Red band had a good idea. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, please. Look, I know you thought my trip to Austin was selfish But all we did was talk about you and the baby Anyway, how about gash? Packer My good ring to it My goodness white dudes aren't allowed to decide me. Yeah, you spend too much time here. The kid's name is gonna be shit. Jack Packer The kill Tony universe place is out of control All right, Andrew, well congrats on the up-and-coming child you've got a fucking great set Good stuff Andrew Packer. There he goes On to the next one we go. We're flying through tonight, baby. Oh Baby, oh baby Try the macadamia cookies, baby All right on to the next one. It's the impression of Nick's dad for no reason for those of you for the four people to get it For the four people to get it. You're gonna love it. Look at him laughing. It's that funny? All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown everybody three-word name One fish two fish. Oh my god a second fish has hit the tower Holy mackerel My buddy's a hypochondriac He keeps telling me the bird flew the bird flew. It's like yeah, that's what they do Speaking of birds, I hate crows. I hate them. They're the ones that made all those racist laws You want to hear a bad one? Black people can't swim because they're the color of rocks That's my time Wait what? So the color of rocks Okay, I really don't want to be up here anymore why What's wrong? What happened? Bad stage fright. You have bad stage fright you've been on before though, right? Yeah Jimmy Carr whose autistic child are you? Stemming what you're seeing right here is I'm stemming Okay, let's leave the last joke to one side Yeah, if you're gonna if you're gonna do something that touches on race would be super fucking funny. Yeah, okay And then let's put that to one side the rest of that. I really liked. Yeah, you seem great, man Oh, they got a very individual voice and kind of weird and wonderful and surreal. Yeah, great. Oh, thank you Yeah, relaxed. Tell us your story You you asked whose autistic child I was My my brother is the autistic one. I was just homeschooled Perfect, so I think it's kind of like a yeah. Yeah, where were you homeschooled at home, right? Yeah Very good My mind is blown What we're at what city what state Springfield, Illinois, okay, the home of the Simpsons who cheered for that Is that that feels like you missed out a lot cuz you kind of have the demeanor of a school shooter Well, but you didn't get to go. Well, I did join the military. Oh you did military. Yeah This is why Iran is not going so great Yeah, what did you do in the military? I was an infantryman. Oh, wow. I thought you were gonna say chef What if America's enemies see this yeah, this is incredible did you serve overseas? Yes, I did Wow where at We went on a mu which is a marine expeditionary unit That's when you ride with the Navy and I did a very small Amount of time in Iraq Wow, what exactly did you do in Iraq? Tell us about it? Well They got mad at me because I loaded the magazine upside down in the gun, oh my goodness Especially when it's a mad magazine, that's the worst part me worry mostly, you know, just I Cried a little bit Not because it was bad. It was just really hot Yeah, yeah you cried Yeah, in Iraq. Yeah, feel weird about thank you for your service. I Guess Wow, how long were you in Iraq for a little over a month? We didn't do anything crazy, right? Right, right. What did you see anything crazy? Uh, I saw a 10 gun run. That was pretty cool What exactly is that? You know that plane that sounds like it's farting when it shoots the gun Yeah, okay. Yeah that Did you cry when you saw that? Yeah Tell us about the times you cried in Iraq. Were there any more there? There's a thing over there called camel spiders ooh, and they're about like yay big give or take uh-huh and When it's really hot they try to find shade so they'll chase your shadow. Oh Fuck. Yeah. Oh Fuck. Oh And you were crying. Oh, yeah Wow, they'll chase your shadow nature is something else saying it. Holy fucking shit Can you imagine that can you imagine if one of those spiders saw fucking? John D's over here on the keys and he wouldn't even know where the shadow starts and where the shadow ends It'd be a double shadow doubles the double shadow John new nickname activated That's fucking crazy Amazing, and I'm definitely calling us on Amada What is it again a sand spider? What was it the camel spider? Perfect? Yeah That's it. That sounds like a racist term for sure. Yeah, the guy at 7-eleven was a real camel spider. I look in your face God love you We have the best time together Look at him grabbing his own fingers over there comforting himself saying that he's not the autistic one. I Can't imagine how brother you're how autistic your brother must be for him to be the autistic one Well, he lays concrete in full supreme. So that's what do you mean in full supreme? You know the the clothing brand? although like, you know There's a guy in the fire. I didn't even know the room could be that far back. I didn't even know this rooms Back wall, which I know very well. I've spent many many many hours here I did not know it was possible to laugh from that far. Did anybody else hear that? There's a man like a mile away All right, go ahead He lays concrete wearing supreme. Yeah for a living. Is that part of that's part of it. He does it for a living Wow Well, it's not part of it, but I think he just really likes the clothes I imagine Fashion and all that how'd you get that trip? You don't need to tell us. Yeah So he so he does hard grinding grueling Italian esque work, but dressed well yeah like luigi vuitton or something like that all right well isaac kane brown we like your style here's a big joke book my friend thank you so much where's colt at who's having fun out there tonight huh look at this guy ducking down being a good sport look at the little guy i don't i think he might actually just be that tall that's adorable absolutely adorable well i got news for you i love this name that i pulled the last time this young lady was on this show we had a fucking blast this is someone who i'm secretly rooting for right now to have a great set make some noise for my long-awaited return of yehi everybody we love yehi oh yeah yeah look at yehi over here one more time for yehi everybody here we got you we're coming for you yehi hell yeah michael grab that mic stand real quick one more time ladies and gentlemen for the comedy stylings of yehi as you can see i am bisexual but i date mostly men because does it look like i can scissor i've been doing comedy for a year and uh the coolest thing that happened was that i got accused of being a blood but what do i have to do to be a blood but what do i have to do to prove that i'm a crip you know i haven't quit walking since the womb you feel me my mom gave me thick skin for comedy because growing up she'd be like yeah yeah why you look so disabled i'm sorry mom i'll just get back at my mom i got fake titties because seven grand's a lot cheaper than trying to fix what the going down out here you know what i'm saying keep your eyes up here thank you my name is yehi yehi i love it welcome back yehi tomorrow's my birthday happy birthday amazing am i right jimmy is this not one of the most adorable little fetal alcohol what ever's you've ever seen before a lot of sake it took to make this my dad pushed my mom down the stairs that's how this happens i love it amazing you're fine dude i got the i got it makes all my muscles tired we're doing good we're doing good yehi welcome back hi hell yeah welcome welcome jimmy carr you ever seen anything like this there's a there's a i need some backstory here come on do you want your chopsticks no good how dare you what did d madness say said you want your chopsticks back oh no that was red band that'd be crazy if deep madness knew that she dropped her crutches d madness is blind he has no idea what the is going on up here he's like who's that cool ass black who's that tall dick black up there right now all right yeah he um remind us all how long have you been doing stand-up uh like a year and two months a year and two months and you are uh a viral sensation what i love and i mean i think everybody knows it last time you were on a magical moment happened where famously i wanted to throw the big joke book at you you said tony there's no way i can catch that i said yes you can you said no i can't and and you go that's a hate crime and i go no it's not you're gonna do it open your mind and it's amazing moment and you caught the joke book yeah you taught me how to catch what are you gonna do next you're gonna teach me how to ride a bike are you gonna be my daddy oh my god yehi you better stop it i'll tell you you are kind of oddly hot tonight i don't know what's going on there's something about that skirt you got tattoos now i don't remember that since the last time i saw you i have shorts underneath so i'm protected you are oddly hot in the weirdest of ways in this way you just didn't know it was the winter last time so damn yay you're a little summer treat you're a little thank you i know look at you you little beef dumpling you you are absolutely steamy tonight this is absolutely incredible korean barbecue hell yeah korean barbecue i guarantee it's all you can eat you ain't stopping nobody no yay he my goodness jimmy jimmy what does it feel like to be in the middle of this exchange i'm sorry i sort of don't know where to look yeah you are i didn't get the backstory from last time so what what uh what's the whose idea was this was this actually unplanned wouldn't you be pissed we're on what i was unplanned i was a mistake baby it's amazing that they let you live i i have cerebral palsy i was i was three months premature wow okay so you think in three months time you might be okay i'm still premature it looks like so yeah yeah you're so cool how's austin texas treating you uh really well i've been here for a little while i gave myself a little summer camp like a comedy summer camp i'm staying here for a little bit to the end of the month and i've been and where do you live full time um i'm in houston houston houston oh my goodness yeah i have a nissan ultimate with the crack windshield and everything you know oh my goodness i didn't understand any of that oh i don't know if that's my problem or you or is it maybe just my i don't know you're doing i have that houston slang so i love it absolutely absolutely you love houston that's where you're born and raised i'm annoying about it too yeah i love houston i love it tops drop fat pat you know what i'm talking about maybe i don't know okay all right maybe i i don't know you're doing perfect yeah you're doing perfect so thank you do you have a day job or anything what do you do are you uh what are you uh i'm an online math teacher but something tells me that's that seems a bit racist we already established that last time but yeah i mean like yeah i mean like i follow all of my stereotypes like what how bad of a driver are you i'm surprisingly a great driver really i drive with my hands so i can't look at my phone oh hell yeah yeah oh and i got a new boyfriend oh tell us about this boyfriend he has one nut oh my god how many did he have before he started you too but yeah he lost it to cancer but he's good now wow amazing how long have you been with this guy just like since march it's very fresh but very fresh where'd you meet him at actually killed tony signups whenever my episode aired look at that only at kill tony sign up shut up can a man with one testicle meet him in the middle of the night and then he's like what's going on what's going on and then he's like what's going on and then he's like what's going on and then he's like what's going on whatever the this is an absolute thunderbolt in our stars in real life what can i say oh yay he i love your energy i love you jimmy carr i didn't know you were a doctor i didn't know you i didn't know the medical term was whatever the this is listen i think if you taught me how to ride a bike that would even go that would go even more viral what do you think i think me teaching you how to ride a bike would end up with with again with me being sued there's only one way that ends and i picture just actually there's two ways it could end either you fall to the left or the right pull it there i like the idea of you uh being a good driver but i mean if you do get in a crash it's going to be amazing right because you they'll come to the are you okay and you'll get out yeah um oh my god what have i done yeah no yeah absolutely actually i think one time uh someone tried to scam me i knew i was driving correctly and claiming i didn't use my signals and i did and then i came out there she was like oh never mind i i don't want the smoke so this this new boyfriend is he a white guy he's uh german and mexican oh wow he hates walls doesn't he well well i'll tell you this is one nut works for two that's the most mexican thing about him you know okay repeat that one more time it is a little bit slower it's one nut works for two which is the most mexican thing about him tell us tell us about making love uh what are some of your tricks in the bedroom yeah he i mean i can't even imagine what it's like when those when those sweet fucking leg braces of yours are just up in the air I mean I can't even I can't even imagine you must be a wild cat in the bedroom I know you play it cool here you pretend like you're a little bit hurt or whatever but in the bedroom I bet it's just anything goes all day every day wantons of fun am I right I'm all holes that's all I can say oh my god you see what I'm saying look at Redband he's hard as a rock right now unbelievable I just saw a really funny video of her I guess you do this all the time it was a busy road a lot of traffic and you just walk right through the middle of it like a homeless person yeah I say walk but I don't think I'm Japanese I k-walk you know you Korean walk amazing yay I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about I'm sorry I don't know what you're talking about so proud of domestic violence. Okay, Sean. All right, let's talk about it. My goodness, Sean, I'm really trying. What do you do for. My dad pushed my mom down the stairs. She's like a doll that you pull the string on. My mom pushed my dad. I'm from Houston. I think we all like. We look like dolls, but different price range. This one's. I'm worth more than all of you. This one's kind of busted. It's a little bit cheaper, but, you know. Yehi, you are the shit. You are such a good fucking spirit. You guys are bumping mics over here. So, John, you are in the presence of one of the comedy gods here, Yehi, who is. judging you greatly. Six months in Raleigh, North Carolina, and you come out guns a-blazin' in the interview, dissing H-E-B. What do we have to do to get you back to Raleigh, North Carolina? I mean, you know H-E-B. We have a beloved grocery store here. Literally does everything better, makes everything better, produces fresher, meets fresher. Nobody's ever had an issue with a bag there in their fucking lives. The bags are great. You get free bags. You can buy a fancy bag. It's like a fucking museum. I guess I'm just an easy mark. I don't know. Man, good lord. Okay, John, what do you do for fun? Tell us something good about you that'll make the whole audience love you instead of hate you. I play a lot of volleyball. Oh, boy. A fun fact. Everybody that dislikes H-E-B loves volleyball. Just a fun fact. Wow. Yeah. What else? Tell us something else. Give us one more thing. Volleyball didn't exactly do it. I used to work at Jimmy John's. Okay. All right. Yikes. It's not getting any better, John. It's not getting any better. Yay-hee. Jimmy. I feel like we're two questions away from lynching this guy. Yeah. Did you ever volunteer ever? Maybe we're trying to give you something. Oh, my God. How adorable is yay-hee? Did you ever volunteer or something? We're trying to give you something. She's really spelling it out. This little sweet thing is literally, like, feels bad for him. Think about that. Just met her dad. Leg braces galore. Can't even fucking stand straight. And she's like, how do we help this guy? When I was back there, did I hear that, uh. Your boyfriend has one testicle? Yes, sir. Oh. I was born that way, too. Wow. You were born that way. Born that way. Wow. So, God. So. Are you trying to say you were lying, or. Redeeming qualities. Wow. You have one more testicle than I thought you had, my friend. Here's a little joke book. Sign up. Come back again some other time with a different minute. John Sheeran, ladies and gentlemen. We are now going to do one final bucket pool. We're into overtime, everybody. I just want one more bucket pool, literally, just for the reason that I explained earlier about seeing the panel, because that one was behind the curtain, I realized. So, this is the real one here, where it's gonna be like, should be a second, there should be a double take of him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the final bucket pool of the night. It's Galena Ravina. Galena Ravina. My girlfriends wanted to do a vacation this year, so they suggested a girls' trip to Dubai, to which I said, if we're gonna do a girls' trip, do you mind if we pick a country that likes girls? That's not my idea of getting stoned. It's hard to feel unsafe all the time as a woman. I wanted to be proactive, so I signed up for kickboxing classes. Now, if someone tries to abduct me, I have something to talk about in the van. I'd have to be like, please abduct me, just like I learned in class. Cannot fight you out of sequence. It was a Groupon. Was that a minute? No. You said 10 seconds left. Oh, all right. I used to have a lot of peeping Toms. They were all men. Pretty male-dominated profesh. All right. All right, there you go. Look at that. A true professional. Galena Ravina. Galena, I know you from doing stand-up in L.A., correct? That's right. Heck yeah. How long have you been doing it? 11 years. 11 years. That's right. I remember you. We know you very well, right, Red Band? And welcome, welcome. What brings you to Austin, Texas? The comedy scene. Yes, indeed. Do you live here now? I do. How long have you lived here? Six months now. Awesome. Well, welcome, welcome. How do you feel about H-E-B? Very easy question. Just take it and dunk the ball. I love it. It's the only grocery store I've ever walked into where I saw a man holding a pigeon. There you go. On top of many other great things, that's also another thing. Sometimes there's a man holding a pigeon with great bags around him. Hell yeah, Galena Ravina. How does it feel to be up here with the great, Jimmy Carr, and the legendary Yehi? Fantastic. Just two legends, indeed, like you said. My father pushed my mother down the stairs. I fucking love it. Yehi, you have any notes or anything? Any feedback for the great Galena Ravina? I don't know. I'm curious. Can you carry me? Are you strong? I could carry you. I can carry a lot. Let's do it. Oh, my goodness. Are we real? You want to do it? Get on my back. I mean, you're not allowed to sue us or anything. Watch out. There's a cord. Watch out for the cord there. Oh, boy. Whoa. Okay. Let's stop this. Put her down, put her down, put her down. Lawsuit incoming. Finally made it. Don't want to lose it all. Look, I don't want to be that guy, but seriously, what's the worst that could happen? I'm sorry. When she said she was a woman in a male-dominated field, I'm just tempted. And she's so beautiful. Oh, my God. Well, thank you. I do work out a lot. I mean, I usually just do Kegels, but that works, too. Hey. That's a very good gag. Absolutely. But. I always think that. I got time for a save, so. Well, when you've got. If you had that Kegels gag locked and loaded, open with that. That's great. It's a great little one-liner bang. Funny, immediately. Love it. Boom. Off and running. That is true. Fast and furious is good, right from the get. Galena, tell us a little fun fact about your life that might surprise us. I'm Ukrainian. Whoa. Yeah. Look at that. That's unusual for a Mexican lady, isn't it? Yeah. I mean. I don't work at the airport, but no, you fucking not. Oh, my God. That is amazing. How Ukrainian are you? Uh, I can start speaking Russian. Wow. I'm so Ukrainian, I speak Russian. Oh, my God. That is amazing. This is like when I found out Yehi drives a car. You do? I do. I think. I think it's a Waymo, and they just let her pretend. I'm waiting for a Waymo to hit me, God damn it. Maybe I can afford some new legs. How about that? I think she drives a car. How are you driving? Oh, my God. Galena Ravina. Amazing. Speak Russian for us just a little bit. Say something that's like five or ten seconds long. Can you do a joke in Russian? I don't know how to joke in Russian, but I can speak it. Ooh, how Moscow is it? What? I'm setting you up with a punchline. How Moscow is it? I don't understand it at all. Oh, yeah. Good. Now say it forwards. Satan is the one true God. Galena, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. And here's a big joke book for you. Galena Ravina. Galena Ravina. Thank you. Amazing. Great stuff. And we are down to our final comedian of the night, our super regular, our freak of nature, the great Heidi. Do you have a sippy cup for her, Heidi? I'm just kidding. Look at that. Look who's having the time of her life tonight. Can you believe it? It's great, because it was just us, and now, you know, more fun with two and a half people here. I love it. I'm having a great time. Hell yeah, you fucking better be. This is the make-a-wish of a century right now. I mean, that'd be crazy if she's like, can I get out of here? This sucks. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been doing this show a very long time. We've had a lot of different regulars, you know? Early on, it was, you know, we had some brand spanking new females that we thought it would be an interesting experiment to literally watch people grow and try to write a new minute every week, but it's so fucking hard to do that the whole thing has kind of been an experiment the entire time. Sometimes they're more physical, right? You're Ari Matties. You're this, you're that. We're the roasting stable styles of David Lucas. You're insane silliness of William Montgomery. They come in so many different shapes and sizes. I gotta tell you, man, this guy that's closing tonight's show, I mean, I'm just in absolute awe of his writing, of his performing. I think as the show has evolved, he has become what could be considered the perfect fucking specimen for a guy that does a new minute every single week. He is the fastest rising comedian in all of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Pat O'Neill. ♪ Yeah ♪ - Folks! Other night I was in bed with this girl and she squirted. Yeah. Last time I take her to Taco Bell. It's not pee. Hey. And fellas, you're ever in bed with your gal and you know, you think she might be faking it? Was there myself recently and eventually just had to ask, are those even real tears? Folks, this girl, she's really into rough sex. Just doesn't know it yet, you know? Last week I took her horse riding. The old Texas abortion. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Some people down here, they say abortion, it should be allowed, but only in instances of rape and incest. But I think it should probably only be for rape. Because if you are having consensual incest, I think you should have to keep that fucking retard. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. This is really the only way people ever learned throughout history. All right, thank you. The real deal. Pat O'Neal has, without a doubt. Thank you, folks. Done it again. Wow. I'm excited to hear the great, and I mean truly, one of the great writers and performers in the history of stand-up, the great Jimmy Carr. You're seeing Pat O'Neal for the first time. You've been a regular guest on this show for years. I've been a regular guest on this show for over a decade. It's banger after banger after banger. Not only great jokes, but perfect delivery. It's a joy to watch. Thank you, sir. What the fuck? Thank you. You bring it. You bring it. I love it on this show when someone's done the work. Like, the amount of work that went into that set. The amount of gags. Because you could have floated by on two of those, and there was four great jokes. Like, one after the other. Perfect delivery. Your whole persona is just, it's just on point. I love it. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. We've checked in with a man that's done arenas and giant theaters. Let's wait to see what she thinks. All around the globe. It is time for us to check in with Yehi, ladies and gentlemen. You're so funny. You're really funny. And I really thought that you looked like both Rick and Morty at the same time. And you really do. Thank you. Everybody on the internet and Timmy No Bricks certainly made that joke. Well, okay. And also you look like Randall from Monsters, Inc. and Jerry the Mouse. How about that? Keep going, Yehi. Just keep naming things that he looks like. No, it's okay. No, I'm shy about it. Amazing. I like Nickelodeon, too. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's great. Jimmy? I kind of get, I get, like, Christian Slater in True Romance. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing." He's like, "I don't know what I'm doing." I get, like, Christian Slater in True Romance. Yeah. If it had been real life, not a movie. Yeah. Yeah. No, there is that vibe. I see it. I feel it. Harry Potter and Gollum. That's good. That's my last one. Amazing. She's a little superstar, right? Well, she's probably wondering what he's got. It is amazing. Someone's mummy threw someone down the stairs. I mean, Pat, you are the man. I'm just an absolute obvious super fan. I'm so excited to see you make your Madison Square Garden debut and also our takeover of Las Vegas. Arenas galore. That's my first time going to New York. Yeah. Stand up. Overall. Your first time in New York, you're playing Madison Square Garden. Madison Square Garden's. I guess. Yeah. Yes, that is. I mean, that's me finding out, too, but that is amazing. That's got to be your first and last trip. You cannot go back again. Yeah, fuck it. It is true. You're not going to top that. Go Sox. MSG, spoiler alert, Madison Square Garden is such an addicting venue that you'll do anything to go back there, including a presidential rally. Red Band? You know, I had the pleasure, I just did a whole weekend of shows with Pat in San Diego and watching him do just 15 minutes. People were standing up, applauding halfway through his set, just nonstop. And he's about to go on the road and do his own hour sets. You've got to fucking see this motherfucker now. He is the real deal, Pat O'Neill. It is a force of nature, unlike anything we've ever seen before. I mean, it is just fucking absolutely hysterical. I love it. Thank you, folks. Thank you. One more time for the great Pat O'Neill, everybody. How much fucking fun did we have tonight, huh? Jimmy Carr. Pre-order his book on Amazon, at Amazon.com right now, or your app on Amazon. Get it, the book. It's one of the greatest joke writers in the history of stand-up Jimmy Carr talking about his process of writing jokes, how you can write jokes, how it's done, how it goes. And I'm fascinated by it. I am currently reading a copy or having AI read me a copy. It's fucking unbelievable. Yeah. And the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers was drawing over there tonight. Jimmy Carr. I love it. Yay-hee. How about a hand for yay-hee, ladies and gentlemen? I mean. Oh, it's. Oh, yeah. Bow. A bow from a little bun. I will say, Tony, one of my dreams is to have one of those paintings. So, with my mouth open that one time, you know what I mean? You are hysterical. I absolutely love you, yay-hee. Let it be known that someone that takes jokes like you and makes jokes like you and on the come up and working and grinding is what this fucking show is all about. Thank you. It's about getting from that point to that point in life and everything in between. So, congratulations. My best birthday present ever. Hell, yeah. Happy birthday, yay-hee. You stole the show. It's amazing. You stole the show. Happy birthday. Thank you. Fucking amazing. A reminder that the band is playing in New York at. New York City Winery. The City Winery on the Thursday before we do Friday and Saturday. So, if you're visiting New York, go see the band on Thursday. See us on Friday and Saturday. I think there's still combo tickets. They're doing a thing where you can get a ticket for Friday and Saturday. For MSG, a little fun fact, instead of buying them separately. So, look into that, Red Band. Check out The Secret Show every Thursday at thesunsetsstripatx.com. Thank you so much, guys. We love you guys. How about one more time for the great Jimmy Carr? Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Fat Man. You are the man. Thank you, audience. We love you. Good night, everybody. One, two, three, oh. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye.