#777 - MYLES JOHNSON + FUZZY KHILJI

Hey, this is RedBam, and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. [Applause] Yabee! Make some noise before I ain't right here, I ain't going to jump in. And the best damn band in all the land. That is the Killtony band, Raul Baleho, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzalez, the great matte muleing on the electric jundies on the keys and demadness on the base, ladies and gentlemen. Red band and I are here, we have a lot of fun stuff lined up. Who's excited to be here tonight, huh? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You can be a little piggy this August 7th and August 8th and watch Killtony Live from Madison Square Garden on our own independent livestream, HolyMolyKilltonyLive.com. That's where you go. Watch both nights live. These episodes will not go on to YouTube. They're never going to be a normal Monday drop. If you want to see these live Madison Square Gardens, you have to watch the stream. It's available for replay if you buy it for a few weeks, I do believe. And you can have an option of getting merch bundles as well. So go to KilltonyLive.com, get tickets this Thursday at noon to watch the livestream August 7th and August 8th and if you're a real big kid, get on an airplane and join us live August 7th and August 8th, TonyHingeClip.com for those tickets and get the stream afterwards to watch. Again, what you already saw, boom, mind blowing, pigs in the blankets all day. We'll see you there. KilltonyLive.com this Thursday at noon. I love it. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? I booked two of the biggest, funniest, whatever you name it, combinations if you will of comedians in the world. Tonight is special people. It's very special because you're looking into a crystal ball. This is an episode from the future, two of the biggest comedians in the world to be are on tonight's show. I started off as a door guy at the comedy store, just like so many of your favorite comedians. Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, David Letterman, they were all door guys at a club. They worked their way up. This is the only other club other than the comedy store that I know of that has an unbelievable, unbelievable, strategic system of building up comedians and we get the first look at the next era of great talent. And tonight I introduce you to two of the funniest comedians coming up the ranks in the world. The whole building is excited about this episode because they know how funny these two guys on panel tonight are. So it's very exciting for you. One of them I announced it on a recent episode of Killtony. He's the first ever panelist appointed from getting a set. The other one is just another fucking monster. We're gonna have so much fun here tonight. Hopefully the bucket cooperates as I introduce to you two of truly the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Miles Johnson and Fuzzy Killty everybody. Here they are. Line in the flight. Miles and Fuzzy. The boys. The future. You better get used to these pretty faces, Miles and Fuzzy. Come on in boys, have a seat, sit down. You've both been on this show before multiple times out of the bucket. And now here you are on panel. You're all grown up. You're wearing matching outfits. Obviously, ties didn't come with that outfit that you got off Amazon. They're coming tomorrow. It's a little weird. You're buttoned up to the top bells and whistles and everything fizzles. We're excited to have you Fuzzy say hello to these people. Hello Austin, Texas. I love you. How the fuck are you feeling tonight? These are the boys. These are the little dalgis. Miles say hello. What's up, fuckers? That's right. That's right. Two of the best performers, joke writers, coming up the ranks. You're going to know them and now you know them now. They've been on the show out of the bucket before, but they've never been on panel. So let me remind you guys, over 200 innocent souls signed up for this challenge tonight to hopefully make it or break it here on Killtony. Absolutely. Anything can happen. Some of the people are truly just like these guys, the next thing coming up the ranks. Maybe it's an older comedian that's been dying for a break for decades and signed up for a minute here, and maybe it's a psycho that literally didn't prepare and they could be completely mentally ill and anything can happen. Go to betterhelp.com and use the promo code Killtony and save yourself. I'm going to let this blatant cartel member pick the first name out of the bucket. There's just man hair falling into the bucket right off of those hairy palms of his very exciting stuff. I'm going to hang all that first bucket, oh yeah, by the way, they get 60 seconds, you know the time is up near the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they'll bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them and they out. Then I conduct an interview. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys are going to start tonight's fucking show or what? I love it. The ketamine girls are staring at me like, how did he know? How did he know that we were on ketamine the whole time? Ladies and gentlemen, while we go wrangle that first bucket poll, we have a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in quite a while here to debut a brand new minute is a man that holds the record for most appearances on one episode. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you a brand new minute from the one and only Drew Nickens everyone. Here we go. No, I'm feeling the spirit in this bitch, can't I get out of here? That sounded unseasoned. Yeah, I was Mormon until I was 13 and then I left the church because I found out that they didn't let black people in the heaven and I love Wesley Stypes. So it played can't go to heaven and I can't see but darker, darker in the afterlife. I don't want to go. Can I get out of here? Hell yeah, 10 years later I rejoined the church because I got brain damage and God sent a woman from Lubbock, Texas who was selling solar panels in San Antonio. She said, Drew, if you get baptized, I will give you a blowjob. And when the Lord gives you a sign, when he gives you a vessel that will take you to the promised land, you act on it, can I get out of here? No, I said, we feel the spirit in this bitch. We love Felicia, whether it's giving or receiving, can I get out of here? You don't get any head. I got baptized in two weeks. I speed ran that process and then I hit her up on my space and I found out that she blocked me so I got holy ghosted. All right, thank you all so much, that's my time. All right, Drew Nickens, debuting a new pre-church paraphrase to get things started here tonight. I love it. How does it feel up there tonight, Drew? It's good. It's good. You know, it's a little different because it's a little bit more time in between, but I love it. Yeah. And I was actually Mormon. Tony, I was. I had no idea that you were a Mormon. Yeah. What's your favorite part about being a Mormon? My favorite was all the Mountain Dew and. If they gave you Mountain Dew, you're allowed to drink Mountain Dew or something. Yeah, so that's how Mormon's cope. We don't get anything but Mountain Dew. Really? Yeah. And now I guess they're getting into energy drinks. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. That's it. So, you're saying they're giving blow jobs for baptisms? Yeah, I'm done with all this Muslim shit for that, baby. Let's go. We got a priest in the house tonight. [Laughter] You put the holla in hallelujah. [Laughter] I love it. Shrew, I can't tell whether your pants are low or your belly is big or what's going on. You're shaped like a salmon tonight. Something going on. What have you been eating? What's your diet? Can you explain to these people why you're shaped like that? So Taco Bell has a seven. dollar box online. There it is. You can create your own. I customize it. It's beautiful. What do you, how many different, what's your go-to combination with the $7 box? Give me a little horn after each. This is Taco Bell. So this is you guys, you know what I mean. I need my fucking horn section to represent Taco Bell over there. So for each thing, give it a little pump. Let's go. Take your time with it. One at a time. Here we go. We do a crunch wrap supreme with no beef, no tomatoes, no lettuce, some beans. Then we do a taco with no beef, no lettuce, just cheese. Wait, hold on, I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you here. Did you just say a taco with no beef? Yeah, but you've replaced it with beans. Why? I don't like hamburger. I love steak, but I don't like hamburger. Why don't you put steak on it then? Because that costs more. Oh, that breaks the $7. Yeah, and I got to give my creamy jalapeno on the side. Oh, dude, you get creamy jalapeno on the side of a bean taco? Yeah, it's so good. Starting to make sense. The shape is starting to make sense. You're shitting continuously and holding on to some parts. There's some parts that are contained. It happens. Rapper. Yeah, are you eating the rapper, too? You know you're supposed to take that out first, right, Drew? Fuck. All right. Well, Drew, you got us started tonight. Fuzzy. What are you doing? I'm speaking to you. You are our senior Taco Bell $7 box corresponds. Thank you. You can get three for 21. That's a fun little fact. Oh. Mathematica de la Taco. Now, speaking of beef, I do have a little bit of beef with Drew Nickins, and I don't know if this is okay. So let's see if we can turn it into beans. And I love this guy. He's a beam of, he's a beam of light. That's right. And you know, but we're on an ultra light beam. We're on an ultra light beam. So I was seeing this girl and she's beautiful, smart, funny. And I was like so in love with her and I was dating her for like three weeks. And then she started ghosting me and that happens not the first time, you know? And then I see on her story, she's hanging out with Drew Nickins. I didn't know they were dating. So my, my bitch left me for Drew Nickins. Apparently she's got a tight hole. Retarded guys. I love you. Yeah. She loved you for a guy. He's a bee-needer. She's right though. Right when you think a girl ghosting you doesn't get any worse. You look at her Instagram story. She's kicking it with Drew Nickins. That is just incredible. I love you, Drew. She's got that fucking fly. There's a fly in here. Drew, thank you. You got the show started tonight. Fun times. It's a tough spot being first up here. Drew's got it. And ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Into the bucket we go. You know what it is. Anything can happen here. Absolutely anything can happen. Make some noise to your first bucket pull up the night. He goes by the name of Robert Stewart. Everybody. Here we go. How's everybody doing? My name, Kelly. My name is Robert. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, which means I'm conservative. That's right. I'm pro-life. Unless she's pregnant with my kid, then fuck that baby. Kelly, yeah, guys, am I right? $500 in a trip to Kansas City. Say, he's me a lifetime of hurt. Anyways, I just recently got my charges expunged so I can legally purchase firearms. Hell yeah, felon. I hear you. Anyways, I went to a gun shop to buy a gun and it reminds me a lot of going to coffee shop. God damn, I'm too nervous. It reminds me of going to coffee shop with my ex-girlfriend. I want a tall, caramel macchiato, extra foam, caramel drizzle on the side. Like, no, I want a SIG P365X macro with a cop barrel. Like at the end of it, I'm hoping they just both stick them in their mouths so they'll shut the fuck up. Yeah, comedy is a comedian reminds me a lot of narcotics anonymous. Hell yeah, we're just wondering who's got an overdose or kill themselves first. Also, who's the new girl going to fuck? Thank you so much. That's my time. Robert. Dude, welcome, Robert. Hi, Robert. How are you doing, Tony? I want a wild set. You got charges expunged narcotics anonymous. Meanwhile, you look like the cop that arrested you. What an interesting life you're living, Robert. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Fuck. I was doing it for a year then quick because everybody sucked. And then I came back. Everybody sucked? I sucked. Oh, you sucked. There you go. That means. Okay. What year was this that you did it? Two years ago. Okay, so you took a year off and now you're back. I'm back. Fuck it. What made you want to start again, Robert? I'm just a God's gift to the world, Tony. You know this? You are? No. Okay, but I'm trying. Okay. Yeah. But what made you want to start again? My son, actually. How old's your son? He is 13. And what can you explain? How your 13-year-old son made you want to start standing? I push him to do the things that he wants to do. And he tells me we're like, "Well, why do you quit comedy?" I'm like, "Oh, okay. So I'm actually going to show him what I'm preaching to him." So I got back into comedy. I'm enjoying it. You know, again, like I stand on the drama. So beautiful. What's the drama? What's the drama? I'm from Tulsa. Okay. You've had some Tulsa Oklahoma. Yeah. Tulsa Oklahoma. Yeah. What do you get in your $7 Taco Bell box? Oh, fuck. I just load up on spicy potato burritos, honestly. That is the whitest white guy. That is some Oklahoma white guy shit that I've never imagined before. Straight potato burritos. I'm looking. My horn section is very disappointed right now. They're literally about to deport themselves. I just saw them call eyes on themselves. They're like, "I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm going to show where people are eating potato burritos." I was actually raised partially by a black family. Really? Yeah. That explains all the charges. I thought you had to be a felon. Very good. No. How are you raised by a black family? Well, my parents were drug addicts. So my white grandparents took care of me and my next one neighbor was a black cop. So I got a lot of ass whoopins while black daddy. Wow. What an interesting. Let's check in with our senior black daddy correspondent. My little Johnson ladies and gentlemen. It just makes so much sense why it looks like that now. Yeah. He's got a cop face and then a black arm. It does have it. It's tied it up there. So Robert, how old are you? I'm 35, 35 years old. And what do you do for a living? I pinched kids or tints. Pinched teen. Hold on. Say pinched kids the first time. I'm in a rental business. You put up 10. Yes. Okay. Something you and your 13-year-old have in common, I guess. All right. So let's talk about it. What were the charges that you recently got expunged? A salt and battery. A salt and battery. Militious and your property and a salt and battery. Okay. Let's take it one at a time. What was the first a salt and battery? I used to do a lot of drugs, Tony. Let's talk about it. I love meth and benzos. It was my shit. And I fronted a guy, you know, a bag for 300 bucks and I asked him to pay me back nicely. He told me to get fucked. So I beat his ass in a dollar general parking lot. Just with your fist. With your fist straight up. Do you have any weapons for anything? No. No. It's already on probation. Take us through it. What's your approach? You were already on probation. So what is this? A Tarantino movie or start it in the middle. How were you already on probation? What were you on probation? The first salt and battery wasn't a big issue. My girlfriend cheated on me. I beat the shit out of the guy she cheated on me with. Wow. How did you find him? How did you know who that was? Well, it was easy. He was fucking her probably. At the time you walked in on them. No, I didn't walk in. She's like, he was leaving her house. And then I caught him at a gas station. Wow. Let's check in. I actually, I actually know a guy wants you to meet. Can we get Drew Nickens back out here? Oh, it's fucking go. Yes. Okay. So take us through another assault and battery. Red band keeps thinking I'm saying assault and buttery. And I hear his stomach growling over. He's picturing popcorn. All right. Go ahead. One was just a bar fight. I got caught in the parking lot by the police officer. It's just what was the bar fight over. I don't know. I was fucked up. I remember he's probably like, you're gay. I was like, no, I'm not. Welcome to my world, my friend. Take my advice. Don't fight it. All right. Let's go through another assault and battery. That was it. That was it. Three assault and battery. What's the craziest thing you ever did on methamenzos? Oh, I masturbated for 14 hours straight. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Now, were you using your imagination or were you watching porn? I was in a buddy's attic watching porn. You were in your friend's attic watching porn. -Yes, sir. -Rewatching porn on a laptop? Your phone? What are we talking about? -My phone in the yard. -It died a couple times. So I had to recharge it. [ Laughter ] -Did you have a place at the time? -Yes. [ Laughter ] It was Halloween night, and I got high as shit. And everybody was like, "Hey, do you want to go to this costume party?" And I was like, "No." And then his mom was home, so I snuck up into the attic and he was just beating it, you know? -Wow. -Yeah. -Stressed like a teenage mutant injured turtle just guning? [ Laughter ] -What were you for Halloween that year? -Depressed, Tony. -Yeah. Inanatic for 13 hours. I'm pretty sure you were Ann Frank. Very excited. Wow, did you end up -- This is only on this show. Do you hear questions like this? -Did you end up climaxing? After the 13-hour masturbation session, do you remember what it was that finally made you go boom? -It was like a volcano, but three days later, I was -- I was itching so bad I thought I had gave myself athlete's penis from scratching my foot and masturbating. It was terrible. I had to go the clinic over it. Turns out it's not a thing. You answered a totally different question than what I asked. Athletes penis. By the way, if you had that on your Killtony bingo card, you bet $1 on prize picks that the word "athletes penis" would be said, like, one word, you just want a billion dollars every day. -I would probably just asbestos or something like that. Were you around like all the pink shit? -Our senior attic jerk-off correspondent, Brian Redbannon, here, everybody. He knows if you hit the old itchy penis after a 13-hour attic jerk-off session, it's probably asbestos. -It was not fiberglass. No, it was not. -Okay. -All right. Robert, do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that can jump rope through your own arms if they're connected somehow, right? Like, what is your special skill? -Masturbating for long periods of time, I guess? -Wow. So you do that a lot, huh? -No, not so much anymore. I'm 35 now. It doesn't last as long. -Well, you don't look a day over 55. -Thank you, appreciate it. -You only have one kid, 13? -Yes, just one kid. I stopped. -Okay. Now, what do you think he's going to say? When he sees, "Daddy, let me see what you, do you change your dreams?" "Dad, you changed your dreams?" Like, "You told me I should. Can I see what you did?" -And you talk about how your pro-life, unless it's your kid, you're basically saying you wish you got an abortion. Your charges are recently expunged and you're very well-versed in narcotics anonymous and you jerked up an attic for 13 hours. You have three assaults and batteries and you love meth and benzos. What do you think you're 13-year-old boy? "Oh, I got a leaf school now. Hey, Dad. How was Keltoni?" -I just. I teach my son on a stay, so he's used to the crazy shit on it. -This kid is masturbating in an attic right now. -I'm going on. -I learned it from you, Dad. -I'm going to beat your record, Dad. I'm so close. -The boy's going for 14 hours. -Bagh, God, he's jerking off like an animal. -All right. Robert Stewart, I like your style. Congratulations. You were the first bucket pool tonight. There's a medium-sized jokebook. -But I can tell you're 13-year-old. It's a big one. He doesn't know any different. -I appreciate you. -All right. You guys get it. It's a crazy show. Anything can happen. Your next. Oh my God. There she is. Live in the flesh. You've seen her on YouTube. She's even prettier in person than the great Heidi. -Everybody. -Hello there. You know, anywhere worth going this summer is better, incomparable boots. And for me, that means Tacovas. Whenever I pull on my Tacovas, there's an instant boost of confidence as if I needed anymore. They look sharp and feel incredibly premium. What separates Tacovas from the rest is that every single pair is hand-crafted using over 200 meticulous steps, giving you broken and comfort right out of the box. No brutal break-in period here. 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I also used to be a drug addict, but y'all could tell. Yeah, I don't have this spoon tattooed on my arm because I really fucking love soup, dude. And sometimes when I talk about it, people want to ask me if I ever did any gay stuff for drugs. I'm always just like, "Yo, where are you guys getting your drugs?" I've never seen a hundred dollars a gram or five kisses. Then that's the only addiction people are comfortable asking that for, too. Right? Like, you'd never go up to a big guy eating a twinkie. And be like, "Say, brother, did you suck a dick for that thing today or what?" No. Also, there's no drug that makes you gay. I've done them all. You were already gay. It might just so happen that cocaine is the key to your closet queen. Like, I don't know about y'all. I've never gone out with the homies to pick up women. Done a couple lines and been like, "Actually, boys. Do we even need them right now?" That's my time. Thank you. Ready, Lursa, making what I do believe is your Kilt Tony debut. This is my fourth time on it. Fourth time on. Wow, perfect. Very memorable. No, I'm kidding. You must have a new haircut. I didn't have this ridiculous haircut before. Yeah, that is amazing. What made you want to do that exactly? I got this haircut a year ago as a joke, actually. And I kept it because this is true. Every single day since then, at least one black dude's told me it's dope. Real. You do that so that birds would stop landing on your head? Nah, I got one in there right now. That's what it looks like. It looks like the stuff they put on the top of a little ledges outside of restaurants and whatnot. Just trying to look like the coolest PE teacher on the January 6th. I'll bread it as all. What do you do for a living, Eddie, Lursa? I part-time bartend and then produce shows and. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost three years now. Three years, all of it here in Austin, Texas. Yeah. And tell us about the drugs you were on. This is a very drug-heavy episode so far. But we're going to keep the ball going because that's what you talked about, the entire set. Yeah, I mean, I was drinking was my number one thing. That always led to the drugs. Are you sober now? Sober. Yeah, for almost three years. Is it tough being a part-time bartender while staying sober? No, it's actually not at first it was. But now to be honest, drunk people just like when I'm behind the bar, it makes me not want to drink ever again. It's your trick to getting sober. What was it? What was your bottom? Which one? I went to rehab and then it took like two and a half years to get sober out of that. You went to rehab for alcohol? Alcohol and cocaine. Nice. There you go. And then I got out. I was sober off and on. And I mean, the trick was just kind of sad. I just kind of got tired of being sad and trying to kill myself. So I was like, maybe I'll stop now. Perfect. All right, Miles Johnson. What's the longest you've masturbated for? Good question. Definitely not 14 hours to maybe five minutes. There you go. On cocaine? I'm an efficiency kind of guy. Wow. Anybody? It's impressive. Is that not impressive? Impressive in the way that what? It's short. Your dick doesn't get hard on coke. No, I mean, you can masturbate for a long time on coke, but I mean nothing's really going to happen. I don't think you goon like that for real, but this guy's a fake gooner. Eddie Lerse, what do you do for fun now that you're not drinking and doing blow? Dude, I know you hate this answer, but mostly just stand up. It's actually one thing you said one time. Somebody was up here talking about how they didn't do, you know how it is. Like they were off and on for 10 years and you were like, no, I was obsessed with this. I slept in my car behind the company store because that's what I want to do. And that's really all I have time for. I go to work. I go to the gym, but that's more just what do you do with the gym? Exactly. Tell us what a guy with your build is doing at the gym. What exactly are you just getting protein shakes? Just trying not to let the girls see me check them out for the most part like every other guy at the gym. I mean, just normal. Do you get like the pink the pink weights and like going? Only when nobody's looking, dude. Eddie, what else do you have a girlfriend? for a wife or something? - No, I haven't dated since I stopped drinking. It's way different, not drinking and trying to take women out. There's only so many coffees you can go get before you shit yourself with a girl. - Wow. - So when's the last time you were on a date with a girl ballpark? - Three years ago or so I guess? - Three years ago. - I haven't dated since I've been in-- - No, we're in 'em one night. - Well, I went to one date, a coffee date with a girl when I first moved here and I was doing the abs and shitting, I was like, "I don't wanna waste my time "doing this." - And how did that date go, not good? - She said, I seemed like I needed to figure some things out. - She said that after just an hour or two with you? - Hour and a half maybe. - Did you have that hair cut at the time? - I did not, I did not. - Oh, that's where you went wrong. - I know. - Should've let her know. - The old burstle head was ready for action up there. - This thing is a pussy magnet, but let me tell ya. - That's right, a lot of people want to date an electric toothbrush. (laughing) So, Eddie, I'm just trying to figure out something compelling 'cause your answer to what do you do other than stand up was stand up. I mean, there must be something, you must have something. - I'm gonna play with your patch. - I play online poker a little bit. Not great at it. - Wow. - That's, yeah. - Okay. - Yeah, I mean, I really don't, unfortunately, I don't have. - Stop laughing. (laughing) - Why did I say so funny? - He plays online poker and he sucks. (laughing) - It's been my night's losing money pretty much. (laughing) - Oh, it's amazing. - Amazing. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Eddie Lurse, huh? - Three years ago, I think. - Three years, you know what? - You know what? - I literally haven't done anything. - You know what, I find that to be unacceptable. Kino, give me some red lights here. It's their girl out there in this audience. We have the best fan base in the world. I'm sure, and I'm looking out there. There are some hot chicks just wasted on ketamine in this crowd. Is there a girl out there in this crowd that wants to come out and give this guy a real Austin kiss? He's been sober for three years. Yeah, you might cut your hand on the top of his head, but it has to be, you have to recommend yourself. - Nobody is haircut. - Nobody? Not a, okay, there's one guy, the one's to do it. She's not raising her own hand. There's a lot of girls that want their own friends to Sarah's not doing it. Sarah's fucking around. She doesn't mean it. Sarah's trying to beat me. Ladies and gentlemen, here she comes, everyone. We're doing it. We have a real person. Wow, that's amazing. Representing the USA tonight, she's bringing USA Jersey, Eddie, ready for your first real kiss in the lifetime? Here she is. Wow, do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? USA, USA, USA, USA. Here we go. [CHEERING] It's amazing. Wait, Miss, come back up here. It's been four years, please. [LAUGHTER] Okay, Eddie, fun times. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Thank you for signing out. Thank you. Eddie learns that. [APPLAUSE] Beautiful kiss from a beautiful angel. Here we go. Your next fucking poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Fumio Flores. Everybody, here comes Fumio Flores. [MUSIC PLAYING] Iway Austin. My name is Fumio. I'm from El Paso, Texas. Fuck, way. I go to U-TEP. I'm a U-TEP minor. And I'm sitting in class way. I'm like, what a fuck. We call the U-TEP minors. It makes no sense. Not came to a conclusion. It's because our football team gets molested every weekend way. They fucking suck. They play Texas, bro, and they got fucked. And it sucks. I'm from El Paso. There's like, they're deporting my cousins and shit, right? I'm over here like, we're deporting the wrong people. We should deport the fucking running back. The fucking coach sent them back where they come from, like Florida, North Carolina. Because at least my Mexican cousins, they can touch down in America. The girls from U-TEP dog, they're a bunch of gold diggers, bro. The only want me for my fast of money. Thank you guys. My name is Fumio. [APPLAUSE] I'm from U-TEP. Fumio. I mean, what is that? Why do you say all the time? It's like my fillow word, because Mexicans use the N word but I use way, because I'm polite. Right way, checking in with my Mexicans over here. You say way a lot? It's like an El Paso thing, dude. It's like being a shit. Is that where you're from originally El Paso? I was born in East LA, but I was like, my mind's bonded in El Paso. It's bonded? Yeah, my conscience, my conscience. I was like, in El Paso. How old were you when you were in El Paso? How old like my mom moved home when I was like three years old? So I had like, how no memory you still live? That makes sense. That was born there. We know that, yeah, we got that. OK, Fumio, what do you do for work? What cell phone stand do you work at? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I'm not that smart. Nah, nah, nah, nah, no way, no way, wait. I have three jobs. I work for, like, I'm an account manager for massive tickets. I also do, like, I work for UTEP. I do, like, their event centers and whatnot. I move chairs. And I, I mean, comedy is like, technically, because I've been getting paid recently. So I was like, yes, I'm like moving up. Who's been paying, you know? Fuck it, uh, Havi. Like, just El Paso crew, Havi Balan. Oh, no, you got it. You had us at Havi. We don't need a last name. We understood immediately. You have one guy, fool. I love it. Havi's out there giving away his lunch money. He's getting bullied by East LA. He's awesome. He gives us opportunity. So like, fuck yeah. Okay, I love it. Let's check in with Miles Johnson. You said you worked for Master Ticket? No, massive tickets. It's like Eventbrite, but like, it's more catered to, like, comedies more niche. It's awesome, like, we-- Massa tickets. Yeah. Massa tickets. Oh, these mandingos are going crazy, way. Oh, jangle on chain, way. Holy shit. Other than having three jobs, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? Oh, dude. I go, I don't have insurance. I go to Hwattis. You go to what? Hwattis, Mexico. See, not Hwattis. Oh, my God. You go to Mexico for your health care. What? You better know ones in Americans, like, America, they're just a bunch of Indians. So like, you go to Hwattis, at least I understand them in Spanish, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean they're just a bunch of Indians? I'm so sorry, way. Dude, he's so sorry way. What are you studying at U-Tap? I know it's not English. Oh. Yeah, I failed French, but I'm-- It's a digital media production major. Perfect. Yeah. You took French? Yeah, life. I like some stuff in French. Bonjour. Hey, bonjour! Bonjour. Bonjour. What a fucking bag. Get away. Dude, I'm so sorry. I barely pass with a C dog. I just-- We know. That is not breaking news to us. Fumio, what's your love life like? You have any fucking little, uh, little fucking? I have a wonderful girlfriend at home. Oh, my God. Is she Latina as well? Of course. OK. Absolutely. What does she do for work? What does she-- she doesn't work. She goes to school at last cruises. OK. And she studies like the same thing as me. We're trying to like work for like Netflix. No, we're quirky. OK. OK, you have any special tricks in the bedroom with her? Yeah, you seem like a guy that loves making loveway. [LAUGHTER] I actually do the-- Yeah. Miss Sophia, Mr. Juan, I'm sorry. Who are those people you're apologizing to? Her parents will. Oh, OK. OK. [APPLAUSE] I'm safe. I'm safe. No worries. It's gruesome. Oh, yeah. You went to war as God, everything cleared up. Yes. Yes. So what's a special move that you do in the bedroom? How do you keep this woman pleased? How? I just pick her up, dude. I'm-- She's like skinnier than me. I'm like pudgy, but like she's skinnier. And I can like, I don't know. We just do the shit. Wait, you know what I mean? Whatever it happens, we like have love island in the background. We just do it. Oh, yeah. That's the trick nowadays. You have to have love island on in the background. Everybody knows that you've been doing it wrong the whole time, Red Ben. Yeah, Red Ben. I just watched an episode of that shitty show. That's horrible. I love it. It's hot people's zoo. It's just it's hot people's zoo like Okay, few me. Oh, what are you getting your seven-dollar Taco Bell box? No, I don't get like seven dollars I'm from We got tacos by the dozen go to cometta and get you some flautas Okay, I see Carlos so synodding his head over there. You had him hypnotized for a second He he snapped out of it. He saw me looking. I caught him He started laughing, but there was a moment there where he's like I'm being tell you Yeah I love love us Oh, whatever I Love it. I love it. You're a hundred percent Latino. Yes, sir I'm like kind of Japanese like my grandpa's Japanese I was I have a step Japanese grandpa. I'm named after him. What's the name? Fumio Hayashi and I'm Fumio Flores. Oh my. He's awesome, bro. He like helped my family out Like he'd like treated my grandma like the queen, you know, so fuck yeah, wow amazing look at that Fumio You have any hobbies or special skills or talents. I can't see him, but You whistle. Do you have a good Mexican whistle? I think I got a glito. Let's try it. I do it. Yeah Very good Very good Fumio, very good. You are indeed leaving here with a medium joke, but there's Fumio Flores Fumio put the Fumio Put that back where you found it This episode is sponsored by Bluetooth guys stop treating sex like a side quest Some of you are barely showing up in the bedroom. No passion. No drama. No bed frame fighting for its life Your neighbors think you're in their building Legos or folding laundry and watching YouTube videos that Feature amazing comedy shows. Well that ends right now red band. Bluetooth gold is better sex in a tablet. They combine ingredients Four of them into one powerful solution two ingredients help support blood flow and stronger long lasting erections And two that get you hard mentally by supporting arousal and desire in the brain. So when that vibe is right Be ready be patient and that's the reason your neighbors are going to be like good for you Yeah, be present because there's a reason Bluetooth is the number one brand for better sex Experience it yourself a Bluetooth comm and we've got a special deal for our listeners get hard right now when you buy two months of Bluetooth gold you get a third free with promo code Tony. That's promo code Tony We'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order visit blue chew dot com for more details and important safety information And we love Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast and our bedrooms All right, we're having fun in here. These bucket pulls are wild tonight. Make some noise for the next one. It's a one word name It's Teresa everybody Who's ever fucked an illegal The younger the better right I like fucking illegals because if the relationship goes bad You don't even have to block them you can call them and say The relationship has gone south and so are you We freed the slaves When are we gonna free the inward Yeah Y'all my my pussy's soaking wet tonight. Any wet pussy's My pussy is soaking wet with period blood You think black girls have regular periods are they on time are they late? Teresa everybody Teresa Hey, you're going for it. That's for sure You're going for it Teresa. How long you been on stand up three years. I'd love it. Where at what part of El Paso exactly? No, I've no here in Austin. Okay. Is this rear originally from I was born in Malaysia raised in Seattle Okay, how long did you move to Austin four years ago and your Malaysian? Yes All right and you were in when how old were you when you moved to Seattle like a year-olds? Oh, okay, perfect Amazing, it's like fumeo he moved to El Paso when he was three Little fun fact for you. Thank you. You guys will be on a show together real soon. Havi's gonna pay you well. Let's check in with Miles Johnson You're fucking Asian. I'm half Chinese. No mama is what? So you're half Chinese half white half white Half Chinese half white. I'm not no. Do I look Mexican from back there? Yeah Yeah, we all bought that right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Well fumeo left so much Latino energy on that stage that I think everyone kind of looks Mexican right now I'm Mexican on the inside. I bet you are So Teresa What do you do for a living? Well after I got fired from being on the show last time you got fired because you were on Keltone Yeah, why'd you get fired? Well, I said a lot of wild shit and I was I worked in education. So Wow now now I'm Mexican. I I'm a landscaper. I clean houses You know, Mexican shit. What kind of landscaping are you doing? Well, I don't want to fucking say where I work, you know, oh definitely don't say where you work I can't get fired. What do you do you mow lawns? I like water plants and you know, just make sure they stay alive Okay, yeah, keep them wet. I love it Do you have a boyfriend right now? I do yeah, what does he do for work? He doesn't have a job He's a Mexican without a job, but he's he's he's working on it. Oh, yeah boo him. How long have you been with him? I've been with him for a month and a half and he doesn't love me but he fucks me What do you mean he doesn't love you? Let's talk about he doesn't love me. He just doesn't yes What you asked him you're like do you love me? Okay, long time Well, his roommate he's been with a girl for three weeks, and they're like planning how many kids they're having and you know what size vehicle and Everything so his roommates also Latino. He's Italian. Oh, wow shout out Enzo Shout out what his name's Benchenzo. He goes by Enzo. Okay. Yeah, all right So he's been with a girl for three weeks. They're planning kids already. Yeah, okay, so that's gonna that's perfect That's gonna go great And you're jealous of Enzo Yeah, because he loves his girl so much that he just met and you're Sitting at about twice as long you're about six seven weeks with your guy and you're upset that he doesn't love you Well, I was engaged after a month with a Mexican. So where he's why are you doing this? What are you doing? Well, I did come right out of a like a psych ward at that time, so okay? How did what made you go into a psych ward? How did you know you were ready for a psych ward? Well, the people around me were telling me that I I did shrooms for the first time and it was too much. Yeah, okay, and so can you take us through that like what happened? What were some signs? What what? You know what I'm asking you like what were you doing that your friends were like you should Help well, I also don't spell very well. I had a sign. I thought I I wanted to tell people I was a rapist I spelled that wrong. Well, why would you do that? Why would you tell me I was insane off the freaking drugs, man? So you wrote a sign that your goal was to say I'm a rapist No, I wanted to say I was a rapper, which I'm not to please don't ask me to rap. Oh, why would you Wow, look how many dumb bitches are out there Look at this is not a rapper. Yeah, I was like I was running around naked doing cartwheels, you know There you go. I was also the answer to the question Thank you. I'm sorry. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling naked cartwheels, but what goes as the answer to going into a psych ward very good Okay, well Teresa. This is exciting. So now you're a landscaper and a house cleaner house cleaner. Yeah amazing and you're not Mexican I'm not Wow absolutely incredible and you like saying the N word or what's is that why you were a rapper or what's going on with that? No, I actually really rarely - Like, like, you know. - You rarely what? - I rarely, you know, let it slip. - When, give us an example of a time that you've said the N word. This is very exciting to hear a Chinese person talk about dropping an N bomb. - You know, just singing a song. - Oh yeah. - Singing a rap song, you know, sometimes. - Okay. - It's your filler word. - You just gotta say way instead. (audience laughing) - Okay, before I let you go, let's go through this. What is the, what do you think is the most Chinese thing about you since you're half Chinese? - Oh, most Chinese thing about me. My mom doesn't love me 'cause I'm fat. - Uh-huh. That's a good one. You are correct, that checks out. Does your mom have a wacky Malaysian name that she calls you? - I learned that by studying Asians that they all have a white name like you, Teresa, but then their parents called him a very Asian name. What does your Asian mother call you? - Well, I can't pronounce my middle name. - You can't pronounce it? Okay, what's that? Try. - Zun, zun. - Wow. How's it spelled? - J-E-N-C-H-E-N. - Wow, okay out there, that'll count. We'll count that as the, is that what your mom calls you? - No. - What does she call you? She rarely calls me. (audience laughing) - Got it. All right. Teresa, you are the fourth comedian in a row, leaving with a medium joke, but here you go. Very good. Teresa. Those Teresa, a bunch of dirty jokes. If she keeps doing it, she's gonna get good at that. She's gone for it, she's got balls. Takes balls to do an inward joke, a slave joke, an illegal joke, a period trip. Wet pussy joke. - She was looking right at me. She did a little point. She was like, "God damn it, there's a black guy up there." (audience laughing) - All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Joel Lindley, everybody. Here we go. (upbeat music) - Oh shit. - Oh, you're struggling. I'm having a hard, tough week. Got kicked out of a casino last night. Playing Blacksack, does a guy play next to me with a prosthetic arm? Hey, buddy, haven't you lost it now? (audience laughing) You don't appear to be the lucky type. (audience laughing) I'm a practical joker. I love this. I go to a gun shop, ask to see some handguns. They'll lay some across the counter, and I'll pick one up and go, "Hmm." (audience laughing) Woo! (audience laughing) Nah! Let me see that one. Oh, that feels good. That look good to you. Yeah, you wrap that up for me. Oh, and give me one bullet. (audience laughing) That's right, I'm gonna charge that. I was like, "Ah, we're gonna need cash for that." Fine, fuck it, I'll pay cash, but now I want two bullets. (audience laughing) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, and my best thank you, oh my God. Joe, you were just done, am I correct? I'm what? You were just on this show. I was just on last week. I thought I like it. Oh my God, I love it. I've been unbelievable, man. I feel like this, I was wanted to say this last time, I didn't know if I got it out. I feel like after 40 years in the minor leagues. I mean, the major leagues tonight. Yeah, you are, you're a very honest guy. That's it, you're signing up. I'm up in here, I came here a month ago. Yeah, I mean, I expect, I'll wait two years, if it took me two years to come here, I'll wait two years. I mean, you just did it, you did it. I mean, there was a guy earlier that Camp Alibi got on, he signed up, and then here you are, two weeks in a row. I would have dressed different, I said, well, they're not gonna pick me two weeks in a row, so I didn't really dress appropriately, but hey, it's fine. So let's talk about it, Joel. What did we not cover last week that you think might be interesting to talk about? Well, I think it's interesting that I lost my best friend, John Mulroney, who is a legend, as you probably remember at the comedy store, he was supposed to move. I don't actually remember him, but I remember Brian Holtzman who recently mentioned John Mulroney, slipped on ice and died. (laughter) Well, that's one way to die for mice. Whoa! (applause) That's right. We're all afraid of black ice. Black ice, that's right. Absolutely, except for miles here. He's one of the good ones. Don't worry, you guys are cool. That's right. So, what about John Mulroney? Well, we were supposed to move here together. He was excited about coming down here and moving here, and he didn't make it, but I came, and that was, I think that's interesting, I don't know. He's a legend, the guy, and he loved what was going on here. Yeah, in Texas, and what you guys were doing here? Yeah, it's. Couldn't be a part of it. Awesome. I can't remember what we talked about last week. Have you been married before? No, I have no kids. My mom has been telling me, you should have a family. Is your mom still alive? Yeah, she is. It's amazing. She's doing great. Mom's 89. Wow, 89. Look at that. Ethel. Is her name Ethel? Joyce. Joyce, 89 years old. No, she is healthy. She has a younger boyfriend. Still, shaves her pussy. That's awesome. Absolutely. Oh, fucking cute as that. Still, that's great. She's got the runway. But it's like I got a snow-covered runway. You're a funny guy, Joel. No, mom. I'm serious. She works. She's still expecting you to have kids. How are you, Joel? I'm 59. But I read at a third grade level. Wow. Amazing. It's good for your skin. Pretty sure you're the smartest guy that's been on this show so far tonight. I was in special ed, though. That's true. I was a slow learner. Well, look at you now. Yeah. You're absolutely crushing it. You're 59. Have you gotten your sperm count checked lately? I don't have to. You've given me a 32. My gift to the world. You got a vasectomy at 32? Yeah. You're welcome. Wow. Is it true? I had a girl that was trying to get pregnant. I found out she was trying to get pregnant through a friend of hers. And I'm like, OK, I'm going to go get vasectomy because I want to keep fucking her. And I really don't want to have kids and they're reversible. So I did that. She took me to get it. She thought I was getting my colonoscopy. Oh, that's a rillian. And then you just blasted inside of her. Oh, yeah. I'll be done with her. Oh, yeah. She was trying hard. I'd be in the shower. I'd look in the bedroom. She's not really cupping her legs in the air. Oh, my God. Look at that. The '80s were crazy people. Life was crazy in the '80s. Damn. Well, yeah. I'm old enough to remember. We didn't have bisexual girls. They were dice. That's right. That's all there was. Right. They were manly women. Absolutely. They weren't going trans back then. Hell no. They just played dress up and cut their hair. That was it. They weren't getting any operations. They weren't trying to turn their pussy into a weed. That's it. I get called transphobic. People call me transphobic because I don't date transgender. Oh, what? Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like more of a metal or trust, isn't it? I mean, if you're willing to cut off your own penis. Why in the world would I trust you with mine? Brilliant. Joel, you are fantastic. You guys got 40 years to joke, penned up inside of them. Thank you. What else, Joel? Tell us. I'm single and I hate being single, Tony. Yeah, tell us. I'm at that age now. You know, I just want to meet a nice girl. Sit down and start cheating on her. I love this fucking guy. What else, Joel? Tell me more. It's time. Oh, I dated a model. Yeah. One of the heavier models for the larger size clothes. Uh-huh. You've probably seen her. She's very successful. That's what her name is before. Son of a bitch, Joel. You get me every time. I love big women. Yeah. I'm a big guy. I love big women. But this bitch was too damn big. Yeah. How big was it? We couldn't even have sex, man. Every time she got on top of me, I tap out. Wait. Then what? I couldn't get on top of her. I'm afraid of heights. Oh, my God. He did it again. Joel's got the joke. Joel's got the joke. Holy shit. I've been waiting my whole life for this fucking moment. It's amazing. And you were doing comedy back when the Tonight Show where people were watching. I got rejected from the Tonight Show. I got rejected from your mom. Your mom's the last person watching Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah. Yeah. My mom's woke. Is she? My mom is too. It's crazy. Oh, it's crazy. They think they have it all figured out because they're watching the fucking local news. But they can only think, yeah. It's bought and paid for. They have no idea. They can't fathom that what they're seeing isn't real. It's crazy, isn't it? My mom believes if you don't hate Donald Trump, you're a bad person. Yeah. No, I know. That's it. I know. I told Trump when I met him that my mom hates him. Yeah. We high-fived and laughed about it. You're the man, dude. What can I say? You have jokes built up inside of you. You're fucking doing it. I wish these goddamn kids would understand that the interview part of the show is an opportunity to continue to be funny. Oh, yeah. You fucking get it. You're out here putting on a clinic. You're from a whole different fucking era, but I love it. You're living the fucking dream, dude. Two weeks in a row is like really crazy rare. So the comedy gods are looking down upon you. Yeah. And. And comedy gods and John Mulroney. Yeah. And John Mulroney. John Spots. Yeah. He probably would have gotten up this week and steady you. Well, look at him. Oh, there you go. He really slipped up. No more Mr. Ice Guy. Who knows, I may have killed him. Yeah. You could have. Yeah. That's pretty genius. I like that. Anything to make it on top. Could be me. That's right. Could be you. The freeze is coming. There's already enough fucking. What is that? Two hundred comics out there. Yeah. Beats and the odds. Well, thank you again. Well, you got a big joke book last week, right? I did. Well, there you go. Keep the fucking filling it up. No need for another one. Joe Lindley, ladies and gentlemen. You know, it's funny how your priorities change. When you're younger, you're worried about making rant or surviving a bad comedy set. Then one day, you realize if something actually happened to you, the people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess. It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one. That's why I like what ethos is doing. Protect your family with life insurance from ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com/killtony. RedBan, you need life insurance. You can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and it's all hundred percent online. There's no medical exam. Some people can even get same day coverage and some policies start as low as $30 a month. Ethos can also help you find your lowest rate from its network of trusted carriers. So take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com/killtony. It's ethos.com/killtony, application times may vary, rates may vary. We need Hans Kim and some chopsticks. Hans Kim, one of the great regulars of the history of the show. And it is time for us to bring up one of the brilliant regulars. It is not easy doing a brand new minute every single week on this show. Expectations are high. Everybody thinks they can do it. They can't. It's not easy. This man can't. He does over a minute every single week of new material. Ladies and gentlemen, he was once the dark storm of Atlanta. And now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the one and only. Dedric Flan, everybody. What's up? Yeah, your boy fresh out the bento box. Yeah, that was me on the AI video getting arrested in Japan. I did that. They took it. They took it away from me. But now I'm back in the greatest country in the world. United States of America. God. I love it. What I don't like is when I landed like I feel like this country is getting way too soft. Like there's people online trying to talk shit about me going to jail. But that's not even the first time I went to jail. So I wasn't that worried about it nor was anybody who loved me because everybody who I've met in my entire life went to jail. Like that's where you go to become a stronger person. And I knew it was a weak ass nigga comment because he was using non gangster words to say what happened. He was like, "Dedric, you just squandered your opportunity." Whatever that means, my nigga. Like you know what I'm saying? I don't even say the first time I was squandered and then I started noticing that this country is getting weak. We got to tighten up because I went to go look for a car and this is the first time my license has been good. I finally got my license back good. So I went to go look for a car but then I got upset and I left because as soon as he showed me the first car, he's trying to sell me the car. He's like, "Hey, sir, this car has automatic windshield wipers." He's like, "Who is that for? Is this country so weak? We don't know what the fuck rain looks like. Is this country so trash at driving that you don't know what to do when the rain starts? You hit the, woo, woo, woo. It's not, it's right by this I get if you don't know your turn signal. I don't know where my turn signal is either. But my nigga, I've never been in a shambles being like, "Oh, it's raining. What do I do if only technology would take over." Like this, you think gel is hard, my nigga, let me tell you about my life. You ever drove around with no AC, right? No AC, no power steering with manual windows going down the interstate when it's start raining, nigga. It's not, that's the first thing you turn on now. You got to reach back and manually roll up all four windows while still going 75 miles of fucking hour. But you can't roll them up all the way because then the steam will come up and you can't see. It looked like a crab boy, all right? It looked like a crab boy in your car. So everybody who ain't has AC, no, you got one shirt, you keep on the back seat and you wipe the window with that shirt, you've never worn that shirt ever again, that's my time. I love y'all. >> [APPLAUSE] >> Dedrick Flatt. >> [APPLAUSE] >> I've been there. I've been there. My deep frost went off when I lived in Columbus, Ohio, fresh out of high school for a year. And I had a 2015 minute drive down to campus and I used to have to go fucking a spent her at style head out the window during the winter on the freeway. Just had to fucking look, John Bees is loving this. >> Yeah. [LAUGHTER] >> And yeah, that's a real thing, freezing fucking cold. But yeah, I had the shirt, the wipe only goes so far. >> You only get this window, so if something happened overhead, then it's up to God. >> You're fucked. >> Yeah. >> He's in the left lane, you're dead. >> He's dead, you know what I'm saying, he's old school cars, everybody dies. >> Yep. >> Yep. No doubt. >> No doubt. I love it. I love the squandered thing. >> That was what, what does that even mean? How do you, I like squandered and I'm, everybody, like Nelson Mandela spent 40 years in jail and then after that became the president, my nigga, I said 23 days, that wasn't enough to change me into the president. Like y'all gotta just let it happen, you know, jail was cool, that's where you get to collect all your thoughts. Like that's why I got to like, after like the 17th day, I realized I had thought of everything that you could think of. >> I watched, like I used to watch movies in my head because like the movies I used to watch on VHS that I wear a wine, I know 'em verbatim. So if you want to hear Shrek, my nigga, I could do it anytime or like Princess Diaries and then after the movie, I was like, okay, let me spend some time on myself so I would gather all 500 niggas that work in my brain. And then I listened to all of them and then we said, you gotta work harder. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I wish more, more people and brains told people that. >> Yeah. We did gotta go to jail, Tony. >> We will see. I love that you know the word verbatim, by the way, use the word verbatim properly there while not knowing what squandered means. >> Cuz they don't even teach, like I knew it for a bit. I went to college, I graduated, I got a degree in Ethics and Philosophy, but then nigga never says squandered. >> I didn't know, there's like a big, I didn't know like certain words come with opportunities I guess. I guess you can't really squander a job at Wendy's. >> I don't think you said that. >> I don't think you said Wendy. >> We got the boys up here tonight, how about this? >> My dogs, I'm y'all doing, man. >> I thought y'all had all matches. >> No, they're a little different, but are those who's y'all already hit? >> No, I got mine for tonight. >> How did you get the hole in the crop? >> As a hole in his crop, told me not to mention it during the show, but. >> That happened when I even walked out. >> There's no way I could squander that opportunity. >> You did damn squandered eyes, your pants, you didn't, it's a word. >> I love it. >> You guys have it? >> I mean, it was squandered in Spanish, Carlos. >> I don't know. >> See, Mexican niggas don't even squand or none. It's not even my word, it's only white people can squander. >> And hoodwink and bamboozal eyes are niggas. >> Did you make any friends in Japanese, Joe? >> Yeah, I made friends with everybody, the cops love me, the everybody. But they didn't speak a lot of English. We only had this device where they do like talk detects, like on a thing. But it didn't work that well, so they had to like walk away speak Japanese. I would put it in, and they were like rolling down, so I would try to slide in a joke every time. And so every time I did slide in a joke, they'd be like, super comedians. >> Very nice shit. >> Nobody even called me a criminal, they've just only called me super comedian. And every time I was silly. But yeah, I did, I made friends, I got a sense, we started doing like, yeah, I'm doing real good. What are you about to do? You want me to catch it? >> No, I'm going to kill a fly. >> I'm going to kill a fly. >> Give me some chopsticks, I'll catch the fly. Did that, did you do that in Japanese prison? - That's the first thing they teach you, Tom. (laughing) - Brachmann is better good than catching a fresh. - Oh, and then they can, ooh. - He know better than to fly around. This one's a fucking, this is. - D-Man is, I learned how to be blind in a samurai, and I've been waiting to tell you that. I appreciate you being here and playing the bass. That's how I am now with comedy. I'm blind to the bullshit. - That's a dead joke, you're absolutely killing it. - Thank you so much. - You did it again tonight. - I love y'all, thank y'all so much. - Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for dead joke playing. - Michael, do you prop the door open when you load in your drums? - No. - Trying to figure out how these fucking flies got in here tonight. - I know, a lot came in with Teresa. They were swarming around Teresa's head. She is on her period. She said she's on her period. The flies are a flying tonight, folks. I do believe this next bucket pool is one of the people that arrested a dead joke Flynn by the looks of this name. Make some noise for Ty win, everybody. It's the return of Ty win. (upbeat music) - I've been doing standout comedy for enabling years now. So that means for enabling years, I've been drinking nothing but PBR. - Anybody here that drinks shitty beers? We are drinking because we have one thing in common. We're not drinking it for the taste. Same way we don't eat booty for the taste. We do it due to insufficient funds. (audience laughing) I'm actually doing better than my older brother. He's a part core artist. If you don't know what that is, it's the art of throwing or your parents hoping dreams out of the window. (audience laughing) My nail sister, she's the most successful one in a whole entire family. She's a gastrointestinal doctor. And she's so good at her job that she can smell your farts and tell you how many months you got left. (audience laughing) - Thank you. But yeah, Ty win. We've known Ty for a long time. All the way since Los Angeles, right? Austin, we met you in a spider house. But y'all did. - That's right. - That's where you come to Los Angeles. - That's right. That's when we were based out of LA. We came and did one on the road at Spiderman House Ballroom. - Yes. - Welcome back. - Well, I'm happy to be here. I signed up because I thought Kanye West would be on the panel. - Not tonight. (audience laughing) - Not tonight. - But still, we have Malcolm Axe. (audience laughing) - Absolutely. - You're talking about me or Fuzzie. - Hey, I've been watching you guys from backstage and you guys were quiet as a mouse. What is going on? Do you want to join panel Ty? What's going on here? - No, I was like, you know. - Did I just go? - I don't know. I thought I was just going to bust their balls to have something to say. - You did? You just busted their balls? - Now they're self-conscious. - So they won't even speak. They might as well do sound effects. (audience laughing) - What's your fucking problem, Ty? (upbeat music) - I mean, just like Kanye West, you should say something controversial. And you go viral. - Wow. - What was the light being dead dick sensei? (audience laughing) - I mean, he eats a lot. He sleeps a lot. - Okay. Ty, tell us about your life. What have you been up to? You've been doing stand up for 11 years but catch us up with the other stuff. - My work on a rap album is like a mid 90s East Coast rap album about standout comedy. You wanna rap right now? (audience cheering) Why don't you give Michael a little bit, make sure he doesn't play it too hard so that people understand the words that you're saying. - This song is an album. It's a song I wrote 10 years ago. Okay, wait, let me ask you this, is it copyrighted? 'Cause YouTube, if it flags on YouTube, 'cause they have robots, if they recognize it off of a thing that you've already had it published on. - Nah, it's not published. - It's not published? - It's actually not good enough to be published. - Are you sure? (audience laughing) - Not if I don't grow my house. - Okay. - And don't want cash yet. (audience laughing) - All right, give Michael the beat. Tell Michael the beat that you want. - I guess I'll just rap and then you could do the beat behind me like last time. - There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't seen an Asian from Fluegerville rap before, you haven't lived. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ty Win. - So this song is about how when you're hungry and you don't have money to pay for food, so you have to use what your mom gave you. I go, one pussy naked, that's some churches shaking. And when I stick it in her, that's a steak dinner. When I come inside, that's some french fry. Snagging dicks with milk, that's a damn good deal. Bottom line is, my stomach can't be empty. 'Cause if I'm hungry, then my dick get with me. No, I'm not a pimp, I don't need the money. I just want the food, not a third world country. All the songs take out, then we can make out. I don't want booty when I tell you, bring them cake out. I'm talking about food, I'm talking about dessert. I'd rather see you cook, then I'd rather see you twerks. You wanna turn me on, turn the oven on. You wanna turn me off, turn the oven off. You wanna get some dick, cook like a champ. You want your booty naked, get some food, stand. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) - What? (upbeat music) - Wow. (upbeat music) - Hey. (upbeat music) - I just know Fuzzy had to slaying hell no dicks to get that big. - Wow, you keep going after the panel. - What the fuck is the problem, bro? I thought we were French. - Until y'all made it, y'all in a panel, you'll never reach back, you'll never ask me if you have anything at your money show. - I was like, I never tried to get on the rap, you wouldn't like me. I said, I have 16 for your ass. You like my ass, I'm red. (audience laughing) - Oh, look quiet now, huh? - What? - Okay. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Fuck you. (upbeat music) - Yeah, look at that. - I was gonna say something about Israel, but I thought not for my career sake. Since I'm here, I am looking for more head-knighting spots, so. - I got good news for you. - How aided this out, man. - Harvey is hiring right now. - What? - There's a guy named Harvey, who's paying people to do shows. - I got thought. - And I got inside joke based on the previous contestant. - Yes, well, you actually are very smart type. You want your Asian side out there, and you are correct. There's a guy named Eddie Lersa, who's getting paid to do comedy, and he's only been doing it three years, and he's getting paid by Harvey. - Harvey, is that a cocktail member? (audience laughing) - He might be. - Yeah, is it? (audience laughing) - Ty, what else is going on in life before I get you out of here? Anything else crazy we should know about? Are you in love yet? - I host a weekly Tuesday comedy show at the Green Room at APM. - Okay. - Yeah. - Don't aided that out red, man. - I really need this. (audience laughing) - And the headlining stuff. - That's great. - You know how tough it is to be a comedian trying to get headlining spots. - Very much so, no doubt about it, but Ty, you're a very funny man. - Thank you. - You're doing it right there. - Do you still have your comedy show at your house every week? - Yeah, every Wednesday at APM. - That's great. And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. - Oh, thank you. - There you go. - Wow. - That's a Tuesday at the Green Room, Wednesday at his house, and Thursday at the Secret Show. - Ty, win, everybody. - All right, we're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. - Wow. - There's a lovely Heidi. I mean, my goodness, gracious. Have you ever seen anything? - Wow. - What a smoke show. - Thank you, Heidi. - On to the next one, everybody. This looks like a fun name. Goes by the name of Uncle G, everyone. Here comes Uncle G. (audience applauding) I popped my first cherry when I was 15 years old. (audience applauding) I've been slapping ass for 54 fucking years. (audience applauding) Had everything from jail bait to mists. These days, I'm working for Grif's. Grandmothers, I like to fun. (audience laughing) It's lady now. She's a great, great, grandmother. Makes me a great, great, grandmother, fucker. (audience laughing) No, no, no, no, she's 60 nine years old, y'all. Tell me her day, she was a cougar. That's a hell, baby, it's your age, you're a sabre tooth. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) 69 years old, but she showed me a sex move. Can't no young woman show you? How many of y'all ever heard of a sex move called a one-thirty-eight? One-thirty-eight. That's when you have 69 with a 69-year-old. [LAUGHTER] I give you slow-fuckers time to do the math. My man, welcome. Uncle Motherfucking G has arrived to the Kilttoni universe. And I love your style. Holy shit. What part of Louisiana you from? Oh, fuck. No, I'm from Atlanta, man. Atlanta. Atlanta. Think accent like that? You said Kuga, I don't know. Well, I don't know. I say this shit like, when I'm in Atlanta, I don't have no fucking accent. Damn. Y'all do. Wow. Look at you. You are fucking killing it. Uncle G, how long you been to in stand-up? I started lightin' life. I didn't start till I was 57. How old are you? That must have been 30 years. I'm your C-8 now. Oh, OK. 60-eight. That's you too, man. I love it. You're 68. You're fucking killing it. I mean, you didn't waste any time. I didn't have no fucking time to waste. You're damn right. You're damn right. I love it. My God, I love it. You're damn right. Again, I'll say it again. It's another thing I wish fucking everybody understood when they got pulled out of this bucket. And you've got to come home, Motherfuckers. Oh, I love this guy. I love you. What have you been doing your whole life? What made you start so late? I was a mortgage banker forever. Did you do good for yourself? You made some money. Yeah, I'm sitting on the bank. Oh, I can tell. Those eyebrows went way up your forehead when I got to-- I got older. And my friend said, you dating these women, man, you got lower your standards. I said, fuck that. I'm raising my allowance. Take us through it. What else, Uncle G? What have you been doing? Tell us about your life. Give us some fun facts about that. Well, I do motivational speaking on suicide awareness about things. You really do? I had two brothers commit suicide and a third would try. And now I got a book, The Ballad of Uncle G, from suicide survivor to stand up comedian. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm doing a lot of good shit. Wow. I love that. Wow. I got asked about my suicidal. I said, now I'm by the fucker, but I get homicidal. Damn right. Yeah, damn right. But I started dating when I was in rehab. Tell us about it. Started dating this schizophrenic. Had to break up with her twice. [LAUGHTER] This is the craziest fucking woman you'll ever meet in your life, y'all. She had two distinct personalities. One was named she, and the other was named her. She wasn't nothing like her. [LAUGHTER] Fortunately, when I met her, she was in remission. So I take care to dinner tonight, and damn it, she don't show up. She's in to me, but hell, I'm in to her. I didn't care. I took him home. I'm in to her. She's in to me. Y'all ever had a three-way with just two people in a fucking room? Finally, I looked at her and said, she got to go. Her response was, she goes, I go, I said, y'all both get to fuck out of here. [LAUGHTER] Uncle James. I'm in love with you. Uncle James, we need some wisdom in this room. My boy here, this guy right here-- this is the two of the funniest upcoming guys in the world. This is Fuzzy right here. Meet Fuzzy. Nice to meet you, Uncle James. Uncle James, let me tell you something. A girl left Fuzzy for Drew Nickins. But you don't even want it, nobody. No, let's talk about-- get back to that microphone. Let's talk about it. You crazy. That's three X wives. OK, let's talk about these X wives. Tell us what you've learned, Uncle James. Well, what'd you learn from these ladies? I learned quite a fucking beard, actually, didn't I? I learned how expensive divorce is, y'all. Three divorces, a twin-alimony child support house. I spent a million, too. You know why divorce so expensive? Why? Because it's fucking worth it. Ha-ha-ha. [APPLAUSE] I love this man. You guys have been calling me gay for 13 years. I have a confession. Uncle James, my mother fucking man. One more. You want to get divorced again? Let's do it. Oh, no, no. What was it? But I did the math, y'all. I was married in a total of 40 years. Got laid twice a week. That's 4,000 pieces of ass. Do the math. Cost me $300 every time I got laid. I'd equip buying pussy. I'm written it. Damn right. So if any of you ladies want to make $300? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. He's inco-- I'll be out front. Hold on. I'm not letting you go just yet. That ain't prostitution. That's at least with an option to buy. [LAUGHTER] Holy shit. He missed me, didn't he? Oh, I love you. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this, Uncle G. Because you seem like you know how to please a woman. I want to know, what are some of your tricks? There's a lot of young bucks out here. There's some fucking-- there's some fucking young guys. Like I was saying, fuzzy lost his girl to a guy with brain damage. Yeah, I'm going to need that book. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I'll tell you a lot. My daddy told me, when you take a woman to dinner for the first date, see how she treats the waiters. Yeah. And my waiter, you know, my first wife-- we got to dinner, and she's looking at me. She wanted to look at him. She goes, tell him I want to stay, tell him I want to bake potato, and get me a dessert, please. Show him off. 10 years later, I'm at the divorce fucking trial. She wanted to look at me. She's looking at the attorney going, tell him I want alimony. Tell him I want to tell him. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Then my first wife left me-- she let work come between us. I realized that when she divorced me and married her, fucking boss. My second wife-- this is no shit. She gained 140 pounds first year with Mary. I'd always dreamed about sleeping with two women, but then I didn't think she'd be both. To be fair, she got confused with the preacher. She thought he said in thickness and in hell. He does this thing where he winks at me sometimes, by the way. He does this thing where he wins. He kills is the best fucking guy. It's the best guy. Let me ask you one more question. This is my final worry and overtime in this interview. I've spent more time with you up here than anybody all night long. Let me ask you this, because you seem like you're a master in the bedroom. Do you have any trickster advice that you can give these people out here? You've taught us so much already. But you seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to please a woman. OK, he wrote a book about this, folks. Never sweat the petty stuff. Always pet the sweaty stuff. What I love about this show is that so many people come in so many different shapes and sizes. Some people start early in life. Some people start late in life. Whatever the fuck you are, Uncle G, you are built for this shit. And my friend, since the set and the interview and everything, has just been nothing but absolute a fucking blast. I've enjoyed the fuck out of you. Well, I got to tell you, my friend, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Cotone. That's yours, buddy. Holy shit. We need more, Uncle G. You let us know when you want to come back. You'll get an automatic spot. Yeah. What? Who do I come from? They're going to take care of the right back there. I know, thank you. That's a spot. I appreciate it, it's a good question. Uncle G, ladies and gentlemen, holy shit. That's what it's all about. You want to know how to make it and show me, is do that. Who do I contact? So this guy I've ever seen. Wow. All right. We're having fun in here. Let's see if we can fuck it up with your next bucket pool. Make some noise for him. Chris O'Hall! Longoria, everybody, here comes Chris Longoria. (audience applauding) - My buddies and I took a trip the other day, and I decided to put the Airbnb on my credit card and have them reimburse me on cash app, and this is how these jokers reimburse me. $186 from Rick for that bussy. $186 from Rubin for Great Sex. $186 from Gabe for the Cuck Corner Club and membership, and $186 from my dad for a great weekend at the Airbnb with the boys. (audience laughing) Now, when my nose gets asked to grow up and went through my phone and saw all these transactions, she's like, "Baby, did you prostitute yourself "out to two gay men? "Have a third gay man watching you "and had your dad part of the whole freaky ass situation?" I'm like, "No, baby, you know they're at their ass, "well, they're just joking." And she goes, "All right, well then, "what's this $5 charge you sent back to Rick "for a great blowjob?" I was like, "Oh, fuck, I could explain that shit. "Five dollars a hell of a deal. "It costs way more than $5 for you to even look at it. "Much less touch it." All right, guys, that's been my time in Chris Mongoria. - Chris Longoria, it's tough to follow Uncle G. Chris. - Oh, he killed it, he killed it. - You're coming out after a blizzard, even the flies left after fucking. (audience laughing) - The flies are like, "This guy's too good. "And we're going to the fucking Shakespeare's. "Go watch the open mic over there." - I had to watch it from the beginning 'cause I was sitting in the crowd. So I saw the whole thing. Congratulations to him, man. - What made you, you just wanted to see the show tonight? - Yeah, I'm a big fan. I've been watching this before I started doing comedy. So yeah, yeah. - I love it, how long you been on comedy? - Going on three years. - You've been on the show before, right? - About a month ago with Tom Sirgura and Cheryl Underwood, yes. - Okay, what do we learn about you there in the interview? - Uh, Tom tried to get me caught up with ICE and tried to saying, "I was from Mexico." - Yeah, but you're not? - I'm not, I'm not. - I'm from Corpus Christi. - Okay, that's some of the Mexico of Texas. - Really close, really close, yeah, yeah. - Absolutely. - How's about it? That's about all we really talked about. - Okay, well, what's something that you think would be interesting for us to talk about? - Um, so I once tried going drink for drink with professional wrestlers and ended up blacked out in a wrestler's room and then blacked out in the hallway outside of his room. - Uh, what wrestlers? - Uh, with AEW and my best friend, Sammy Guevara. - Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, very cool. How'd you make friends with all those guys? - Uh, there's a independent wrestling company in Corpus Christi. I was just a big fan, started going to all of them and just became friends with a lot of dudes. I have a lot of friends in WWE and AEW right now. - Very cool. - Yeah, yeah. - Look at you. You ever wear a luchador mask? - Uh, during sex, yeah. - Okay. - Yeah. - All right. - Oh, that was you. - Yeah. (laughing) - That was a good time. I'll Venmo you. Oh, yeah, I got you. (audience laughing) - You guys have anything to say to Chris Longorio over here? What do we think about Chris Boyz? Let's check in with the panel over here. - Oh, you were a funny man. You just got to keep grinding. You know what I mean? You got to fucking, if I were you, I would pretend to be Indian. And then, uh, if I was giving you actual, I actually had to pretend to be Pakistani and I'd come out here and I'd go, "Yo, are there any Indians in here?" And then one fucker would go, "Who?" And then I'd go, "Fuck you, bugging the forever!" - I'll try that next time. - For a second really give Tony, I'm sorry, it works. - No, it works. - Let's check in with Miles Johnson here. I don't really have anything funny to say. (audience laughing) I think, thanks bro. I think you should, you should have gave it a second and then started. 'Cause everybody was still reeling from that fucking awful G-shit. That guy was fucking crazy. - So the last time I was on, I went all the way to the bear and I was scared of that happening as well as "Let me just jump straight in." - He's talking about the beginning, the beginning, like kind of like, and you did it right. You started with the joke, but it was like fast at heart. And there's also a lot of math before we realize what the jokes going on, like people are trying to figure out what's the 180, whatever. - Yeah, absolutely. - What's going on. But I get it, again, you just went up after a very rare, you know, beast in Uncle G. He had his moment at 68 years old and then you come up here just another spry Latino. - Yes, sir. - Yeah, are you Mexican? - Yeah. - No way. - Well, half of my, no, just half of my family's from Spain and half of my family's from Mexico. I did some research after the last time I came on. Y'all grilled me about, 'cause I said I wasn't from, my family wasn't from Mexico. I did some research and my mother's side of the family's from Spain. And I don't know where the fuck my dad's side of the family is, so I'm gonna sue Mexico. - Right, wherever that one guy goes for his medicine. - Yeah. - All right, well, Chris, there you go. You got a, what size joke book did you get last time? - Medium last time. - Okay, there you go. - Cool. - You did it, Chris Longoria. (audience cheering) - Chris Longoria. - All right, we know this next lady. She was famously at the January 6th riot, what do they call it? One side calls it riots. What do they call it? Not riots. - Field trips, what they call it. - Insurrection is what they call it. Some people call it a guided tour. 51% of the country calls it a guided tour of the capital. The other ones call it an insurrection. So it all depends on what news channels you watch, makes a noise for. It's Karen Jones, everybody. (upbeat music) (audience cheering) - Hello. Good to see everyone. When my oldest son was 11 years old, he found out that our entire family was peeing in the shower. He didn't know you could pee in the shower and he got pissed. It's like you're letting me go in a shower where everyone is peeing. I was like, man, I'm not gonna tell him how much his dad jacks off in there. (audience laughing) And could turn him into a sexual deviant. Thank God that didn't happen. It's 40 years later and he manages strip clubs. So it worked out okay. Now if you would have told me back then that in 40 years, I would be having sex with a 74 year old man. You would have been wrong. I think old people having sex is sickening, right? Does anybody wanna think about their grandma and grandpa having sex? Yeah, I said that to my grandson. He's like, my other grandparents have sex. How do you know that? Stop walked in on him twice. Thank you. That's my time. - Okay, Karen. All right. Okay, Karen Jones, an interesting set tonight. Welcome, welcome. How are you been working that out? You've been going to open mics and stuff? Well, yes, I have been. How's that going? It's going really well. Tell us more. What's going on, Karen Jones? What are you up to now? Okay. There's always some crazy shit going on. Last time I was still living California. I still own a house in California and I'm not gonna live in it. Right. 'Cause the neighborhood turned on you when you got on the news for being part of the guided tour. It was a guided tour and good news. They released the rest or a good part of the badge cams in the last 24 hours. What does that mean? It means you'll get to see me take a blow to the belly when I said a nice thing to a policeman. And he just went boom in my stomach. I'm like, oh my God, I walked into trap. On January 6th. So there's going to be video of you getting hit by a police officer. I sure hope so. 'Cause that happened. It definitely happened. I told everybody from day one, and now this is going to come out. The shoving of me has, I've already seen those videos. Like I didn't do anything. They invited us in and attacked us. I know. It's all the police. We're going to get to see that video. Normally if we want to see you on our televisions, we have to watch the conjuring. So, it's very exciting. The woman in the nun outfit, everybody. That's her. If you turn your lights out. Well, the reason that there are other reasons why I'm not living in my house in California. It's in Santinez, California. I don't know if you know where Santinez is. Doesn't matter, go ahead. Well, it really does matter. It matters a lot. Jesus. Let's talk geography. Well, I'm celebrity adjacent. Okay. It's where Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. It's Reagan Ranch. It's the California-- Neverland Ranch is one of Red Man's favorite salad dressings. [LAUGHTER] We're having fun here tonight. No. Anyway, I live in the last residential-- or I lived in the last house in downtown. I live at the four-way sub. Is it a haunted house? No. It is a historical house. We're close. It's going to be a comedy club. [THEME MUSIC] You got me, Red Man. That was very good. Made me ruin that hit of a cigarette. Nothing takes worse than when you have a spit take with a long full of cigarette smoke. I miss that. You miss smoking? Oh, yeah. I bet you do. I do. How long did you smoke for, Karen? From the time I was-- Good walk. Right. Wow. Why was born in the '50s and little kids smoke then? Hell, yeah. And, but then I quit. in my early 30s when it started being uncool. Like when they started making people-- California got down on smokers really early. And when they sent people outside to smoke, I'm like, no, I'm not going to huddle with a bunch of addicts out, you know, under an awning in the rain. Right. Yeah, not my style. Not your style. Storming the capital building is-- Getting a tour and invited tour from the commander and chief, the top law enforcement person in the United States invited us to Washington. I RSVP to a permitted event was invited in and took one to the belly. Now, who invited you in? Was it a person? No police officers. Yeah. The capital police were nice, and they were outside. And people should know I was on the nice side of the capital. I was on the east side because I had to go pee. And so we stopped at the hotel. And I've been having to go back and prepare my comedy club. And I found-- [LAUGHTER] So I found my hotel key from that day. And I had forgotten that the name of our hotel was a capital. And on the card, as a picture of the capital, it says Enter. And I thought, oh, this is ironic. Right. Yeah. You went in and peed in the shower. No, I peed in the toilet. But I think most people-- most good people, pee in the shower. If you have to pee-- No, bad about it. Yeah, you're not going to get out of the shower. You don't pee in the shower, you're fucking-- that means you think you have a weird pee. I think something's going on. And that's, I felt kind of embarrassed. And my son got so old that he didn't know that you can pee in that drain hole. The whole family was doing it. You're damn right. You're damn right. William Montgomery shits in that pee hole in the shower. They're back in the day. I heard people say that. And a guy, back before I met my husband on a one night stand, if a guy would have shitted in my shower, I never would have went out with him again. You're damn right. That's a one night stand. Yeah, exactly. Where's the weirdest place you've ever peed, Karen Jones? I saw you pee. I believe in the movie The Exorcist. You were lying in bed. You were dead. You chained up. Well, you know? I can't really think of weird places, because it's very hard to pee outside. It's looking like it's asking for it tonight. I don't know if you see that. I don't know the weirdest place you pee, but I know the weirdest place you shit was Pelosi's desk. [LAUGHTER] See, right there, that's why people have so much trouble, so much trouble believing the truth about January 6th, because there's so much misinformation. Right, they just let you in, right? No. That actually happened on 9/11. They just let us into the comments. [APPLAUSE] And don't as we could land here. They said we could land here. [APPLAUSE] What the fuck, man? They told us they we could land there. [APPLAUSE] No, no, I'm joking. I believe you for real, though. [LAUGHTER] I believe you, too. I think you really think that. And a lot of people did think that. But more and more people are figuring out that the 2020 election was stolen. There's been a lot of funny things just going on. Somehow more-- I mean, I don't like getting political, believe it or not. No, I know I did the one thing, but I had to make sure we had the right president. No, Tony, I felt you so much for that 10-day period before the election. That's how I felt for four years. Yeah, I get it. Oh, god, I did something good, and they turned it around and attacked President Trump. Hey, I get it, absolutely. But it all works out. It all works out. It definitely does. In the '60s, where you're like a hardcore hippie, like compound girl, nudist shit thing. I'm a never-nude, like un-arrested development. OK. Like, my husband, if he sees me nude, it's totally an accident. [BELL RINGING] Karen, I love your style. I love you, Tony. And you know what? I feel like as crazy as it sounds, and I know people think I'm fucking nuts for this. I-- there's something that I honestly think that you're telling the truth about January 6th. I don't think you would be so passionate and lie about being let in, being guided through. We've talked about this a few times. You are like, you know, a lot of-- you know, during COVID and a lot of things, I kind of like saw with my own eyes and ears what was going on. And you're kind of like my January 6th canary in the coal mine, which makes sense, because you literally look like a canary that's been through a coal mine. We love you, Karen. I'm old. You're your set was absolutely god-awful. But I love you so much. You're leaving here with a big joke book, Bill. [APPLAUSE] Oh, shit. You're going to say that I beat your stomach with a joke book. Oh, no. She was a sultan. It was on purpose. Thank you, Olga, for the commander of Kill Tony. Thank you to my people in line. We love you. Karen Jones, everybody. Put that mic stand back where you found it. You a little rioter. All right. I guess that's the way the microphone was facing. You got to put-- I mean, look at that microphone. Don't you believe her about January 6th? I was just walking around. And he struck me. I have to see that fucking footage. I just wanted to see the rose room. I wanted to see the rose garden. You're saying-- you're saying that she shouldn't post these desks almost made me pass out. I really believe that, I really believe that. I was taking a little shit. It's a police officer hit me. It struck me. I thought I was having fun, and I squandered it. [MUSIC PLAYING] I thought it was part of the tour. Oh, man, fun. You guys having fun out there? What a show. This is our last fucking pool of the night. Then we put a ribbon on it. Let's see what happens here. Mixing noise for Jake Stewart, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] Some guy just told me I looked like Jeffrey Dahmer with an iron deficiency. So I guess I got to look into this Jeffrey Dahmer guy's diet, see if I'm missing anything. I've noticed a lot of straight guys. And other straight guys, I mean, they get offended or upset whenever they get a compliment from a gay guy. And I never do. Feel like the number one compliment I get from gay guys is like, my asshole feels amazing. And that was a make me gay. You can just take a compliment in her face. My mom wants me to say that's a joke. My mom, she wants me to-- she was pretty clear about that. She wants me to quit smoking weed. And doing stand-up comedy, that's not what she said. She said, I got to start paying for my own weed. Fucking bitch. Don't be alarmed, sir. Sometimes white guys would call her mom's bitch. He's looking at me like, oh, yo, man. [MUSIC PLAYING] I mean, he's whiter than you, but OK, Jake. What the fuck did I do? Hey, yo, motherfucker. Hey, yo. You call me your mama, bitch, motherfucker. You're the mother fucker in my mom, bitch, bitch, bitch. Are you OK? All right, Jake, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Jake? Two, almost two years. This is your first time in the show, correct? Yes, sir. I am so fucking nervous right now. You're doing fine. You're doing great, Jake. Great. Great stuff. Do you really smoke weed with your mom? No, my mom is a devout Christian. She's a saint. I smoke a lot of weed. She doesn't condone her. Perfect, how old are you? I'm 27. 27, you've been doing it three years, you said? I've been doing almost two years. Almost two years. What do you do for work? I'm a server. Where are you serving at? Austin Credit Club. Oh, it's a good gig. How'd you get that job? One of my mentors in hospitality, he-- No, hey, no, fuck you. What did he say? Fuck you. We don't know what that guy said, even. You're right, I'm sorry, how he just laughed. Oh, I like that. You're in the right industry to get mad at people laughing. Yeah, I just-- I am passionate about hospitality. I like to take care of people, and I like to bartend, and I think I'm good at it. I got the job because one of my mentors in hospitality had the job. Uh-huh. He laughed again. Yeah, I mean, you're leaving a long pause after you say mentors in hospitality. You're giving the room a lot of time to react as well. It's like you're saying 1,000-year-old Asian guys teaching you how to wait table. He calls me his apprentice. Wow. He'll introduce me to tables to be like, this is my apprentice. Wow. And then I'll be like, what do I get for you to drink? Wow. He's a great guy. He used to work at the-- he tried to get me to come work at the Betty. And his name is Layton. And shout out Layton. He told me everything I know about bartending. There's a bunch of other bartenders who really pissed that I said that. Very good. We love the Betty. Grachink said the Betty, one of the best bars in the city without it. It's a great bar. It's a great bar. Probably the best bar in Austin, Texas, but I'd agree with that. I'd agree with that. A lot of hot guys. A lot of hot guys. Surprise shooting. Yeah, my younger brother. Surprise shooting at the job. The place is filled with smoking hot dudes. Well, I got a kidding. It's all hot chicks. It makes sense you weren't hired. You're right. You're over here. Yeah, I'm sorry. Tell us more about your life. What do you do for fun? Enough about your hospitality mentor, Will. Well, I just got engaged. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Where'd you meet this little day, Matt? Serving tables. Okay. You were taking care of her? No, we served tables together. Oh, nice. How long have you worked with her? We don't work together anymore because that was a lot, but we've been together for approaching five years now. Wow. Amazing. And she's serving somewhere else now. No, she works in interior design firm. Okay. Very cool. Like an estimator. All right. And when are you planning on actually getting married? We're getting married on October 16th. Okay. What made you pick that date exactly? Well, that's actually funny. We just were looking at venues and that one was open, but it turns out that was the day that my parents got married, too. I mean, I never knew because they were divorced. So, but. Wow. That's a, I think that's a bad omen, but I'm just a positive mentality guy. I'm going to make that date a good date. You know what I'm trying to say? Tell us more about what you do when you're not doing comedy or serving tables. You seem like the kind of guy that has an extensive collection of seashells or something like that. I sometimes I blade. I like to disc golf. When you say blade, you mean roller blade? I mean roller correct. What type of places are you? What type of places are you rolling around on your feet at? Well, I, the other day, I did a workout at the YMCA. You roller blade at the YMCA? No, I rollerbladed from YMCA to the Creek and the Cave afterward. Wow. So you have shoes that you use at the gym. You roller blade to the YMCA. You take your roller blades off in the locker room or out front on the stairway. They stay in the trunk of my car. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We have a lot of questions here. So when I ask you where you roller blade, you said the YMCA. So do you leave your car at the YMCA and roller blade to the Creek and the Cave? Yes, sir. And then you rollerbladed from the Creek and the Cave back to the YMCA? Well, when I got to the Creek and the Cave, I realized I can't fucking roller blade. You can't roller blade on stage, you mean? No, like at all. Like I like I used to roller blade when I was a kid. And then I thought like it would just come back to me. And then I'm like in front of like rush hour traffic, I can't even stop. There's no breaks on roller blades. There's no place. I didn't know that. There are. There's technically the ways to break without a doubt. There is. There is. That is true. So I asked you what you do for fun or what you're good at or something like that. And you named something that you're literally not good at. That I'm getting better at. And then because I'm very optimistic, shockingly optimistic. Thank you. Thank you. You're fucking hot. Whoa, look at this. Wedding's off everybody. Look at that. Looks like I have a new membership at the Austin Country Club. If you want it, I'll suck your dick, dude. Wow, okay, that's a no. That's enough. If I come too fast, I'm going to think of Karen Jones and last a little bit longer. All right. Jake, give me one more thing that you think out of your entire life makes you different than other people. Something must have happened. Maybe a near death. Maybe you saved somebody's life. Maybe something crazy, anything at all. Maybe you once got caught in a weather storm, perhaps. It was hail or sleet. Maybe something. I'm giving you a lot of time to think here about how you're not one of the most boring white people on planet earth. You can literally say anything. So it was the guy earlier that masturbated for 14 hours once in an attic on Matt. That's impressive. Good luck. Well, yeah, I mean, so I was raised in Mansfield how I moved here in 2020. I was arrested on my way down here. Perfect. Let's talk about that. Yeah. Got arrested. I'm going to say at the top of Texas. In Rockwall. What? Rock wall. Rock wall. Rock wall Texas. Rock wall Texas. They got you going 70 in a 60. They smelled marijuana in the vehicle. Am I correct? You're correct. And you had just overannounced or underannounced because you came heavy. I had nath. Oh, very good. Red van had that correct. Yeah. Well, we had who's we? It was me and my best friend. And we rolled. It's an 18 hour drive from Mansfield to Austin. We rolled a blunt per hour. Mansfield is the meeting place correct between Youngstown and Columbus, right? That's correct. Yep. I remember that one. A small prison town. You know Shawshank Redemption? Yes. That's the old prison. And my great- my great-grandfather worked at that prison. He taught music there. Wow. Yeah. One of your mentors. No trails. Yep. That's right. Okay. How long were you in jail for? About 16 hours. Perfect. Look at that. Amazing. Welcome to being white miles. It's how good it could be. Can you imagine it? 16 hours. Wait till Ginger fucks up. 16 hours. Shales. Wow. That's your go-to. That's your go-to. That black impression. Do you have any black friends? Oh, yeah. What do you think is the blackest thing about you before I let you go, Jake Stewart? Because I'm not seeing it. To me, I feel like I don't know. I'm pretty good at basketball. Wow. You would not think I'm good at basketball. No way. Cap. Basketball. Basketball is like sex. Because for a five foot nine white guy, I'm better than you think. There's just one guy clapping. Old rock wall. Old rock wall. Yeah. Old rock wall. Well, Jake, I'm just in a giving mood at this point because I enjoyed this. You're getting a big joke book. There goes Jake Stewart, everybody. And that is the fucking full portion of the show. Oh, Mr. Basketball didn't catch the leather joke book. That me up wrong, too. Well, you don't know black guys. If you ask me, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And that is with one of the best joke writers and performers in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this regular has been super viral all week with one of the greatest Hitler jokes of all time. This guy is just doing it right. I need a freak of nature. Again, one of the hardest jobs in the industry of comedies being a regular on Killtony. This is a brand new minute from the real deal. This is Pat O'Neal, everybody. Folks, how is it that these gender reveal parties are all the rage nowadays? Yet whenever I reveal my gender to people at parties, I'm a weirdo with an oddly shaped penis. That wasn't even invited in the first place. Make up your mind, people. Something else I'll never understand today is how some guys have three sums together. I can never stay hard while there's another dude in the room, you know, fucking my boyfriend. Okay. A little bit more about me. I love Midrick wrestling. I always win. Speaking of wrestling last weekend, I told my retarded nephew, our Waymo driver, was John Cena. Believe me. Okay, that's it. Wow. Starting again, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you folks. You are fantastic, Pat O'Neal. We got the boys up here. I know you guys are big Pat O'Neal fans. I fucking love Pat O'Neal. Me and Miles, we've been working the door here, sensitive, originally open, and it's guys like Pat O'Neal that come in, sign up for this show, grow, and they make the scene so much stronger. It's so good having you here, Pat. You're the fucking man. You made this fuck so much trouble, right? You're going to the top brother. I love it. I fucking love you Pat. I fucking love you there, Miles. Oh my god. It's happening, Pat. Yeah. Fucking crazy night. Holy shit. I'm glad to be on this show too, because like at the end, I was on the golden ticket to like advance my comedy career and all that, but by the end, it really was to just not have to wait with those fucking maniacs next door anymore. And I'm just so happy. It's its own show, perhaps, the sign ups, the people that are waiting over there. I've heard crazy stories. I've seen some fucking video here in there. Some fights, some this, some that. - It's not. - Yeah, it's over there. It's not. A lot of people come and go. A lot of people get banned from there. - Mm-hmm. - Imagine that. (laughs) - Was it your ban from Shakespeare's? - I'll never go back. I'll never come back. - I went epic. (laughs) - Nothing. (laughs) - Oh, shit. - No, I'm not ban, I'm not ban. - Oh, okay. They love me at Shakespeare's. - Pat, can you recall anything specific that you've seen over there that-- - I mean, there's people wrestling on the floor one night. I mean, there are always at least two to three guys just using it for shelter on any given week with like the huge fucking backpacks and whatnot, but yeah. - What are they wrestling about? - Ah, I don't know. I think it was fuzzy and drew over a girl. (laughs) Ah! Sir, I'm not going back there. Well, well, well. - I'm not gonna tell you to do that. (laughs) - You think you're so fucking hot 'cause you got a metal plate on your head? (laughs) - Oh my God. - Well, Pat, I mean, you're just the man. - Anything else we need to cover this week? - Not really. Fall man in Instagram if you want to, or YouTube, tell them all. - Pat O'Neal comedy on everything. - Pat O'Neal comedy. If you're not following this man, you're a stupid idiot. (audience applauds) - Yes. - Stupid idiot. And you don't want to be a stupid idiot. One more time for Pat O'Neal, huh? (audience applauds) You can catch them at Madison Square Garden with us as we do Killtony for the third year in a row. That's what we go to New York City for, is to do Madison Square Garden. And he'll also be with us November 13th and 14th at the Dolby Live Theater at the MGM in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's gonna be chilly that time of the year in a lot of places. Why not escape to Vegas, catch two Killtony's? The band will be playing at City Winery in New York the night before our two MSG shows. That's August 6th at City Winery. So yeah, there you go. A lot of fun stuff happening. Look out for another big announcement as we always do New Year's Eve here in Austin. How about one more time for the panel debut of Miles Johnson and Fuzzy Kilgee? Am I saying that right, Kilgee? You can sell it for these people. K, H, I actually don't worry about. Just Fuzzy Comic on Instagram. Oh, Fuzzy Comic on Instagram. Follow these guys. That's Miles with the Y. Miles with the Y. Miles the Black guy. That's the Black guy. I mean, I had so much fun with you guys. It's always a fun episode to me when I have fun. And that's all I fucking care about. This is the show that I love to do. And you guys made it. A lot of fun. I knew it was going to be, but wow. There's some magical moments. One more time. Congratulations to the first ever 68-year-old Golden Tigger winner, Uncle G. I love that he said, who do I contact after I gave it to him? That's wisdom right there, by the way. A lot of people fucking, you know, I mean, of course, we take care of it, but in life, make sure if someone gives you the opportunity of a lifetime, make sure you get someone's phone number about it. There's a lesson in that, believe it or not. There's magic to that. Sometimes the fucking goes right through you. You hang out with maybe the president of the United States. You forget to exchange numbers or something. It could happen to you. Red ban. Please check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Sunset through ATX.com. Secrets show everything. It's a great place. A lot of people say, quote, Newsweek says, "Better than Shake Spears." So if you're looking for a place that's not quite the mothership, but better than Shake Spears, go to the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. No, the Thursday show is so much fun there. It's all your favorite people. Yeah. To the audience, God bless you. And God bless the United States of America 250 years old. That's a little baby. We love you tonight, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]