#776 - BRIAN MOSES + DAVE LANDAU

hey this is red band and you're listening to the death squad podcast network this episode of kill tony and every episode of kill tony can be found at death squad dot tv apple spotify and anywhere you get podcasts check out tony hinchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony tony hinchcliffe you can also check out shop squad dot tv for death squad merch hats mugs whatever shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get rid of tony hinchcliffe who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives the best damn band in the land the kill tony band fernando castillo raul valejo carlos sosa tres leches on the horns great michael gonzalez big mic on the drums matt mulling on the electric john b's on the keys and that is d madness live in the flesh ladies and gentlemen oh my god we're gonna have so much fucking fun tonight are you guys excited or what before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you here right now are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what two unbelievable guests they've both been on this show before one one time one many times you guys are in for a treat two of my favorite guests in the show's history two of my favorite comedians make some noise for the great dave landau and brian moses everybody dave landau welcome back sit right there yeah i'm gonna keep moses moses you come over here moses over here all the way over here we're gonna keep that third seat empty just in case someone crazy swings by later who knows anything can happen how about one more time for dave landau and brian moses dave landau one of my favorite one-time only guests we've ever had on i'm so glad that you're back for your it's good to be back thanks for having me you are a funny guy you enunciate well you speak clearly uh i'm very excited about that thank you i try brian moses is here not the best enunciator he be from the mean streets of san diego so don't let you don't let the camera colors confuse you i am blacker than he is no no here he is no moses is the man he is the creator and host of roast battle if you've ever seen or heard of a roast battle that was moses who started that in the belly room just months after kill tony started both kill tony and roast battle started in the same tiny room the attic of the comedy store 13 years ago ladies and gentlemen isn't that something we've done madison square garden and the intuit dome and so many giant arenas the o2 arena in london we've done giant arenas and moses did the the belly room uh of the comedy store and now they do the main room of the comedy store on tuesdays wow we don't actually we actually don't do that we're still we're still in the main yeah there you go i'll have it anyway it's great to be here thanks for having me back it's your birthday recently yeah our birthday we've known each other for 19 years i've been a week older than you it's also your this is your month right it's gay pride yes it is that's it this is good i'm just gonna surprise you with that after the show i'm just gonna remind you exactly what fucking month it is yeah are you gonna give me some of your aids medication hello prep that's what it's called isn't that an interesting thing prep the name of an aids but only if you already have aids can you take it did you know that of course i did tony all right uh so you guys have done this show uh before you guys know how it works you guys excited to be here i have a bucket filled with over 200 human beings names absolutely anything can happen here if i pull their name out of the bucket they get 60 seconds uninterrupted you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they're gonna bring out the angry west hollywood bear ladies and gentlemen that's right i'm gonna let this guy that definitely stormed the capital on january 6th pull the first name out of the bucket i mean look at this fucking guy holy shit you look like you would hate brian moses if you saw him out on the street you work in dc okay that that's it see what i mean i fucking nailed it was at the capital on january 6th does hate black people let's start tonight's show while we go wrangle that first bucket pool i have a golden ticket winner here we're waiting right behind that curtain but it's not just any golden ticket winner ladies and gentlemen this is his first time ever cashing in which means it's ever on this show his first time uh cashing in on his golden ticket that he won in las vegas nevada on netflix in partnership with the wwe he was a magical performer on that night i barely remember because i'm so concussed from getting choked slammed through a table by the undertaker but he's back ladies and gentlemen this is the first new minute of chris waldeck ladies and gentlemen oh what is up boston texas i'm excited to be here i'm excited from coming from vegas because it's so nice to be in a state that actually has a football team that wins sometimes i feel like if you have to cheer for the raiders you really can't talk shit about the cowboys honestly oh my gosh but yes ladies and gentlemen i know you're probably hearing my voice you're just thinking like you know finally something's going to happen and i'm like oh my god i'm going to be in a state that actually has a voice articulation or enunciation you know but the cool thing ladies and gentlemen is that like you know you're also probably weirded out because you're seeing me on stage you haven't been the presence of an autistic gangster before you know what i mean that's right my street name is not so slim nuggets as you can probably tell right now i said i don't have a very close relationship with women in fact i actually have a close relationship with the stock market that i do with most women because at least the stomach will go down on me and sometimes return my calls if you left out that last part congrats you got a great credit score thank you guys chris waldeck is back on kill tony your first performance was amazing there's people breaking bottles over their heads they're so excited wow look at this guy look at this tough guy lasted the first 60 seconds of the show and i'm like oh my god i'm so excited i'm so excited before his first pee break how about a hand for the small bladder award winner of the night let's let him use the ladies room everybody will you guys open up the ladies room for that young man i mean what a pussy absolutely incredible you're usually the ladies are the ones who run when i'm up here oh there he is chris waldeck very good self-deprecation he gets it i love it so hell yeah started with some football jokes that were funny very it's very it's tough to tough to get going with football jokes but you did it you nailed it an original take on a bunch of teams that suck the raiders and the cowboys and then we got into the good stuff autistic gangster and the stock market goes down on you what is your love life like chris well i was i it's nice to hear my alarm clock again oh man you are a funny improviser we've been playing that sound effect for people's sad moments since i think the inception of the fucking show and no one's ever rolled with it quite like that oh thank you i appreciate that you're the man so keep going about this uh love life situation well it's uh it's it's been going like kind of a little bit better i did go on one date after the kill tony me i think that went pretty good but you had a little a little uh a little uh dame slid into your dm and you were like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry yeah yeah it was kind of like just like kind of a brief thing you know it didn't really it didn't really last but just like at least a fun night you know what what did you do that night what is an autistic man like you do with a woman where do you take them what exact calculator factory do you take them to to get those juices flowing well we kissed a little bit and then i kind of but then i uh i kind of put her to sleep because i was talking too much about the movie we were watching oh what was the movie you were watching dream scenario ironically oh i don't know that one can you describe you are uh one of your amazing autistic features is that you know a lot about movies tell these people about dream scenario well dream scenario Produced by Ari Aster and the same director who made Dream Scenarios. The same guy who also made that. Hereditary. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, he made Hereditary and he also produced Sasquatch Mountain. And he also directed Midsommar. He directed. Yeah, he directed. He directed the one with Joaquin Phoenix. I always forget the name off the top of my head, but it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one. What was it? Can you repeat that real quick? Oh, Bo's Afraid. Yeah, that one too. Bo's Afraid. See, that's what I was talking about earlier. Eddington was the one I was referring to. Eddington, Bo's Afraid. And yeah, and then he also produced a lot of stuff like Sasquatch Mountain. He produced this new one. He also produced the one with Zendaya Robert Pattinson that just got released. This is the same director as well for that one. So it was like more of a dark comedy. It's like Nicolas Cage shows up in your dreams, basically. It's like Nicolas Cage is like a reverse Freddy Krueger. And then things start off well, and then they take a very, very dark turn. I could see why the day went wrong. My pussy just dried up. My pussy's always wet. And you just made my pussy dry up with all that movie. Brian Moses. Yep, you know what happened. How many characters does Adam Ray have? This is one of my favorite ones. This is Adam Ray playing Steve-O going through a diabetes battle. I get that every time. Even when my Laugh After Dark clips went out, I was still getting everyone's like, Oh man, Adam Ray's doing well. I'm like, I'm honored. I'm honored. He's amazing. But I'm like, no, not Adam Ray. Chris Waldeck. That's it. You're killing it, Chris. You know, most people, you can't tell they're autistic until you start talking to them. Not you. That shirt. That shirt just comes out guns a-blazing. I mean, where do you get a shirt like that? Is there like special stores like Forever Autistic? I wish there was a store that was Forever Autistic because that'd probably fit in more. In fact, I actually fit in more of the warehouse I work at. They actually saw my Kill Tony Mania performance. I was like, wait, is that dude that walks around? He's got like a fucking turn signal. That's you. Okay. So all that you got that night were some kisses from that girl. It was fun, though. It's been a while, so it was fun. Perfect. Kisses are fun. Have you kissed a girl ever in Texas before? Actually, yeah, I have. Oh, well, in that case, fuck it. Fuck myself. Goddamn. See? Sometimes these autistic people, little too honest. You were close there, buddy. I love it. So what else is going on in life, Chris? How else has life changed since your last performance? Or what else is going on? Well, I've been getting a lot more, like, you know, just kind of like getting recognized a lot more. But, like, you know, doing a lot of stuff at my home club, the L.A. Comedy Club over in Vegas at the Stratosphere. But also, I got the cancer moving on the side of my head, so that's pretty good. Nice. No more cancer. Party time. Hell yeah, buddy. Yeah, I actually realized that. I actually like going to the doctors more because doctors make me feel less autistic. Oh, yeah. Because they actually have more work to do. They have more worse communication skills than I do. What do you mean? Can you give an example of that? Well, I'll just explain what happened when they were taking the cancer out of the side of my head. Like, when they were doing that, like, the things that they were saying were just like, so, like, when they were, like, you know, when the guy was, like, inside. Because I had to be awake the whole time. They just numbed me up, so I had to be awake while they were, like, doing the stuff. And the one guy was, like, he was inside there. He was looking at my head. He was like, wait a minute. This isn't a small. This is a medium. And I was like, you motherfucker, there's only two appropriate times that you can say that. When you fuck up my order at McDonald's or when a girl takes my pants off. That's literally the only appropriate time. Chris Waldeck, you're a funny guy. I love it. Anything else we should cover, Chris? You got the show started for us. Anything else nuts we're missing? What do you think? Well, I'd like to know, you know, your special needs. Are you working with a nice peppermint cock? A nice what? A good-sized cock. We should let the world know. That's usually the benefit is you have to look like you. But you have a nice dick. We know that you know exactly how. You're not going to believe it, but actually I did find out at Skank Fest I do have a big dick. Yeah. See? Hell yeah. Let the world know, my friend. Yeah. It was during my first naked roast battle that I did for Skank Fest. My opponent, he wanted me to actually send a picture in advance of what I was working with. I'm like, dude, I'm average. Because, you know, I watched a lot of porn, so I figured I was just average. And then the girls started crying. And then, like, when we take our pants down during the Skank Fest thing, he looks at me and he's like, what the fuck, dude? You got a goddamn hog. That's what he said. That's hilarious. The producer from, like, the naked roast, like, walks backstage, he looks at me, he's like, goddamn, dude, you got a big dick. And then he walks out. Right before my opponent has to go on stage, I'm like, he's like, goddamn, I fucking lost already. That's literally what he said. Hell yeah. If you did porn, though, it'd be squirt only. You'd call it Rain Man. Hey. It's genius. Moses, you should guest direct that. That's fucking phenomenal. That is incredible. You have a huge bush, right? Untrimmed. Oh, yeah, yeah. Judging by his neck, it's a train wreck. That's amazing. Well, you know what's the craziest thing since you mentioned that, actually? People on the autism spectrum, a lot of people often say that, a lot of them, they often don't know that people on the autism spectrum actually have higher sex drives than most normal typicals. And it's a real fun fact. And a lot of people are surprised by that. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know why they're so surprised. All the time that we spend playing with trains, we know how to run some, too. Amazing. When you're. Boom. Oh, there it is. That's the trademark. That's raw autism. That's raw autism. Damn right it is. Boom. Boom. So, I just, I have to ask, because of what just happened here. When you're talking with autistic people. You call us typicals? I've never heard of this before. And for the first time, maybe in my life, I'm offended. 42 years it took. And what a storyline. It was an autistic golden ticket winner that ended up stabbing me in the back. Well, I was saying, not knowing that there's neurotypical and atypical is actually kind of an atypical response. You may be on the right track here, honestly. Well, Tony. Holy shit. You are something special. Literally. Boom. Ha, ha, ha. Chris, congratulations. You got the fucking party started tonight. Welcome, welcome. All the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. His first time in Austin. One more time for Chris Waldeck, ladies and gentlemen. And now, to the bucket we go, everybody. The beating heart of the show. Where we have found everybody. Every regular. Every golden ticket winner. Everybody that's ever bombed. Everybody that's ever done good. Everybody that's ever proved their enemies wrong or right. Anything can happen right now. We're going to meet them all together at once. Your first bucket full of the night. Doing a minute uninterrupted. Goes by the name of James Morris. James Morris. I've been told to make a great first impression. Second impression, not so much. I'm a social arsonist. I burn bridges wherever I go. First time, sorry. Sorry for Richie. I took your spot probably. Okay. This is my impression of Ross Perot doing indecent proposal. Now, listen here, Demi, I'm going to pay you $1 million. Don't worry about me. I have plenty more where that came from. All I want to hear is a giant sucking sound coming from the south. If my life was a movie, here are some of the titles. Single white male. One angry man. American ugly. Scarred face. No country for this man. All right, James, so you've reached the final maximum allotted time. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? It's my first time doing anything. First time doing anything. Wow, you got to love that. I believe you. Get back to the microphone. You fucking serial killer, get over there. It's the interview portion of the show. They have to hear you. They have to hear you talk here. So James Morris, welcome, welcome. How old are you? Fifty nine. Fifty nine. I love it. What made you want to do something as crazy as start stand up comedy here tonight on the biggest show in the industry? Short version. Watch it all my life. I could do Eddie Murphy delirious from start to finish all that stuff. Mitch Hedberg, but also my one good friend from high school. I still have. His little brother is Brian Hersey. OK, and I don't know if you know Brian Hersey. He opened for comics like Doug Stanhope and stuff like that before he offed himself. And oh, and and when was that? When did he kill him? It's about three years ago, three years, three years ago. Doug even mentioned him on Rogan's podcast. And I kind of said that he said that I should try it. And I decided, you know, it was time because my last year. That's what's going to be interesting to you. My year. Fifty eight. Yeah. Tell us about it. OK, so you're fifty eight. I had never had a broken bone, and I broke six bones in my back. How did that happen? Falling off a ladder. What were you doing on that ladder? Sawing a tree limb, and here I thought I was smart enough to make sure that the ladder wasn't below the tree limb. Right. But then when the tree limb came down, the back half hit the, and the next thing I know, I'm being woken up by a neighborhood. Next thing you know, you hear that noise, then you're being woken up by the neighborhood what, cat? No, the people doing lawns saw me on the ground. People doing lines? Doing lawns. Oh, got it. I'm on lawns right now. Got it. I don't know what kind of neighborhood you live in over there. I know your hearing isn't great, and I need to talk at the mic. Those are Mexicans. They're called Mexicans, not people doing lawns. We call them Mexicans. We call them illegal immigrants. That's what we call them. I'm kidding. Or gardeners and landscapers, whatever. Yeah, well, I mean, somebody's living in Los Angeles right now. Am I right, this fucking pussy? We call them gardeners. Gardeners and landscapers, actually. What is it, gay pride month? You fuck. Okay, anyway. That's how he broke his back. My buddy, by the way. I'm friends with black people. See that Chelsea? I'm Joe Underwood. See Chelsea Handler? Fucking bitch. Anyway. Still yapping. She's still yapping on podcasts. Fucking twat. I'll go through the rest real quick. Okay, let's keep going. Six broken bones. Let's talk about your spirit, though. Well, no. I sold my house as is just to get out of it and move on. And then. How as is? Was the ladder still up against that tree? Joe DeRosa would be unhappy to hear that I left a lot of Atari 400 stuff sitting in the garage. 400? Damn. Wow. You just gave away Atari stuff. Yeah. Damn. Why? I just. I was ready to. Ready to grow up. Well, because you got to. Also, it didn't get any better. That was the easy part, breaking the bones in my back. When I was traveling with my dog, I get the call that my mom passed away. So I go back to town and get in arguments with my brother and sister on how we're handling and stuff. Stopped talking to them. After her memorial, I find out that then my brother passed away. Oh, my God. This is absolutely incredible. Meanwhile, I'm living in a motel with my dog. Why were you in a motel? Why would you sell your house and Atari 400 as is? And go straight to a motel with your dog? Because Greg Popovich, the head coach of the San Antonio Spurs, had a stroke. And this is how far he's fallen right now. It's amazing. You do look like Greg Popovich. Do you know who that is? I thought he was Jerry Sandusky. He's breaking backs. Do you know who Greg Popovich is? Yeah, I know who he is. Okay, good. All right. So keep going. Tell us more about this horrific year. So I'm staying in the motel because I'm trying to stay local, but I can't. My sister is like a worse version of me because I'm self-aware. I'm self-aware of how bad I am. She's not self-aware at all. So everything's an argument and everything's a disaster. Of course. So I'm trying to stay there just to support and stuff. And also, my brother's memorial got pushed back because. How did your brother die? I don't know if it's brain cancer or if it's. Give me that air horn one more time. Okay. It's okay. He had cancer in his sinuses. That's a rough one. Okay, so then what happened? You were saying that your sister. That's that. What? Well, no, it's just that that's where I was staying in the motel and also with my dog. And then while I'm waiting for my brother's memorial. Don't you say something happened to this fucking dog. The dog died. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Give me some dog noises. Give me some fucking dog noises right now, Red Band. Come on. Give it to me. There he is. We actually have a program, a deal. We have a Netflix deal where we can communicate with your dog up in heaven right now. This is. Very sad. I don't know if you hear him. Okay, I'm just kidding. If it makes people feel any better, she was a 12-year-old Great Dane. So she was probably one of the oldest Great Danes in the world. Oh, my God. And so, and then my final. So before my 59th birthday, two days before my 59th birthday was my brother's memorial. And then my first Mother's Day without my mom. And then my birthday. And then I moved to Austin. Holy shit. How long have you been in Austin? For about a month. Wow. Why don't you write a country song? I swear, my cousin that came down to visit for my brother's memorial said that it should be, that year should be a country song. And I said, yeah, I would call it 58. Yeah. When I was 58, it was a really bad year. I don't even like country music, but I get it now. Yeah. You are that guy. That is incredible. So let's talk about some positive things. How has your life improved lately? Has it? Oh, shit. Did you get another dog, anything? No, no, no. I don't want another dog. So what have you been doing? How do you fill the void that you lost by breaking your back, losing your mom, losing your brother and your dog all in the same year? Because I see a smile on your face. Well, that's the crazy part is that I am, I could be considered nuts. I mean, I've had lifetime depression. I've been, I've been given medication before and stuff like that. And I still survive and everything like that. Are you on the medication? No, no. I don't like medication. They can break your back, but they cannot break your spirit. No, I probably have diabetes and I don't even go to the doctor. I just went into keto because I wanted to stay away from doctors. I love it. This is like Austin Bicklebowski. This is okay. I was 240 pounds three months ago, or three years ago, and I'm 170 pounds now. I was 135 when I graduated high school. You were tall and skinny, huh? Oh, this is the skinny. I was a stick boy. That's good. Was that before or after integration? How old are you again? 59. Oh, okay. Happy Juneteenth. Wow. So, James, how long have you been preparing for this Kill Tony appearance? Well, I wouldn't say, I'm pretty lazy. Yeah, no, we know. You wrote a Ross Perot indecent proposal joke. I mean, that is, I believe that's a 1991-ish reference. Maybe 90, don't think 92. There was supposed to be an intro to that. I didn't even want to use it because, but I started to forget some of the one-liners that I had, because Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, you don't want to use your A material your first time. No, no, I mean, I was going to sit there and say, hey, you know, I'm going to try to keep it real for all you. I know you're a younger crowd, and then go into that knowing that it was an old thing. What do you do for, how do you make money? Well, that's the thing. When I sold the house as is, I was able to sell it. I sold it for. I sold it for $50,000 more than what I owed on it, so I've been living off of that. Hell yeah. And do you have any plasma left? I actually had looked into doing plasma, and I found out that if they injure you, that they don't pay anything. If they hurt you, you don't get money? Yeah, if you seriously hurt you, you're going to have to get hospitalized from the plasma, which are all that. And knowing your luck, you would have a serious issue in there. Everybody dies. They don't know. Why? I feel guilty that I was the first one called up because the guy Richie next to me was sitting there going, yeah, I've been doing this for a long time. You're probably going to get picked first because everybody I talk to gets picked. Yeah. Yeah. Today's the day that your bad luck turned around. You were the first bucket pull. You can thank this meathead right here in the front row. I let him pull it. I should have done it myself. This guy does not look like he has a magical touch at all. Can I ask some advice for you? Absolutely. So I know it's way late in life to build a big standup career or whatever, but is it still? Too late for me to be just a writer and help out literally do whatever you want. If you take chances and have fun and you love it, if you fucking love it, if you love open mics and going out and being around a bunch of psychos, you can do fucking anything, buddy. You could be a standup, a writer, whatever the hell you want to be. You could fucking be an Atari 400. Wait, well, you actually, you can't do that anymore because you sold the fucking Atari dude, but no, you can literally do whatever you want. It's never too late. I'm a gamer. So that's why I killed my time as I do gaming. But that's why I'm a gamer. It's boring. So I don't really talk about it. You're perfect. I wish fucking the other bucket pools would always ignore the gaming thing. You covered your trauma and you're fucking, you have a great story. The set for a first time wasn't that bad. So you're leaving with a big joke book, buddy. Congratulations. Our first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, that's James Morris. A little story. You can break his bones. You can break his heart, but you cannot break his spirit. Chasing his dreams. Ooh, the lovely Heidi is here. Ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, more beautiful in person than on YouTube. Believe it or not. Hello there. You know that moment where you text your whole team. Hey, did anyone follow up with that guy? And you get silence, tumbleweeds, one thumbs up emoji two hours later. Meanwhile, the customer has already moved on, gotten married, started a new business and retired. At some point, you're just like, let's fucking quote. That's why today. Today's episode is brought to you by quo spelled Q U O the business phone system built. So you never miss a call. You know who I know that never misses a call. He's always awake, ready and a hard worker. Red band me with quo, all your calls, texts and voicemails live in one place. So anyone on your team can pick up a conversation and respond fast. Plus it's super easy to set up on any device. It literally only takes a few minutes. You can even keep your existing number and add teammates as you grow. So there's no it. No hassle. Quo's built in AI agent handles after hours, calls, answers. questions, and even books appointments so you never miss a lead, even when your team is offline. As the number one rated business phone system on G2, Quo is trusted by over 90,000 businesses that already rely on it to stay reachable and look professional every day. Money is on the line. Anyways, say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free, plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash Kill Tony. That's Q-U-O.com slash Kill Tony. Thanks so much for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. He goes by the name of Joel Lindley, everyone. Here comes Joel. That's right. I am a civil rights activist. I go all over our great country. I meet black women who've never been with white men before, and I desegregate that pussy. I have a dream. I love black women. I'm dating a beautiful Nigerian woman I met on Only Scams. Her father's the king of Nigeria, yeah. He's on his deathbed, and she doesn't have any cousins or even brothers, so believe it or not, I'm next in line for the throne. My first girlfriend, half black, half white. She worked part-time. Showed up late every other day. I love all people. I actually dated a girl. She was a Hindu Indian. She had that red dot on her forehead. I love that woman. I actually went to India to meet her family, but I got arrested at the border trying to smuggle in deodorant. Joel Lindley pushing it all the way to the limit there. Good set, Joel. Welcome, welcome. Amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? 40 years. No way. Believable. I've been toiling in the minor leagues. How old are you? I am 59 years old. Two 59-year-olds back-to-back, ladies and gentlemen. Do you believe in miracles? If you bet $1 that that would happen on PrizePix, you would have won $75 million. It is the first time we've ever had two 59-year-olds back-to-back to start the bucket. The other guy has been doing it zero years. He just started for the first time. Where did you start 40 years ago? I started in Rochester, New York, my hometown of Rochester, New York, for a place called Yuck Yucks. I went on to the Funny Bone, then I moved to Los Angeles, and then New York, and then I've kind of been in the career minor league. What years were you in L.A.? I was in L.A. from about 1996. Oh, wow. From 1996 to maybe 2003. Okay. And I worked all over L.A. I got jobs writing for friends of mine who got development deals, but they didn't go anywhere, and then I just took off with people who had brought me as a feature. Yeah. And I went on a bunch of tours. Let's check in with Brian Moses here. Yes, we worked together. No, I'm just, I love the set. I'm just, I'm excited to meet white Jackie Robinson. Breaking color barriers, breaking hymen barriers all over the place. It isn't. That's the tagline. Isn't it? I didn't think I had time with it. Yeah, I'll be the Jackie Robinson in your vagina. Batter up! Okay. Yeah, you got it, dude. Huh? I like that dream thing, too. Maybe the tag should be after you say, like, "I have a dream. It's a wet dream." Yeah. Joel Lindley. So, is it true you have a thing for black women? I do. I love all women. Beautiful women, black women. Black women, when I was growing up, were the only ones that were up past nine o'clock. We didn't have a shot at the white girls. Yeah, they've got white guys to rob. What are you talking about? Hell, yeah. Incredible. I love all women, though. I do. Let's check in with the great Dave Landau. I don't know if I'm allowed to share this, but it was before cell phones. Please do. Please do. I'm sure it's a fine. But, yeah, I had opened for you, I think, in Pennsylvania. That's right. And, yeah, this was a long time ago, but I remember you had a trick with women. Yup. where you had a receipt that said $300,000 from your bank account. Yeah, it was a fake bank receipt. It was a fake bank receipt. And. Holy shit. And you would ask for her number, and you'd go like, "Oh, yeah, let me give you mine," and then you'd just read it. Yeah. On the $300,000 fake bank. Oh, my God. I didn't have that. I didn't have that. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Real scammers. Real scammers. Let me tell you. It was gangster. It was real shit. Oh, man. Oh, I got so much pussy from that. Every night. Every night. I was laying all kinds of shit. Wow. Well, there's what the trick is. You gotta. If you have a shitty car, like I did. Uh-huh. you gotta make sure, you know. Yeah. You gotta make sure, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the level that you put on there matches, you know, you show up in a burnout looking Chevy Ford Fiesta or whatever. Yeah. That is. You don't got 300,000. Old school trickery. It is. Well, I. Did you have any other. I ended up selling them after my show to make money. Shirts, I sold DVDs, all that shit to hustle. Right. Of course. And what were your other tricks with the ladies? Like if you had that one up your sleeve, which I've never heard of anything quite that crazy. Well, I would always carry my Red Cross donation card. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I used a condom. I'm like, "No, baby. Red Cross. I'm good. Look at that. Red Cross. 56 days ago. I donated my shit. Look at that." Oh, my God. You're the reason why monkeypox started. That's incredible. He is HIV positive. Yeah. Exactly. Incredible. You look great for 59. You're funny as hell. Tell us more about your life. Why. Well, I moved down here. I've been here three weeks. I was supposed to move down with my friend, Mr. John Mulroney. Uh-huh. who had a tragic accident. Slipped on some ice and fell. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry about that. He passed away, right? Yep. He's coming down here, too. He's good friends with Brian Holtzman. Holtzman. That's how I knew about it. He was coming down with me, but. Amazing. couldn't make it. Well, look at you. Here you are. Absolutely thriving. That's incredible. Yeah, man. It's like fucking Yankee Stadium. Yeah. I mean, for a minor league comic. You're in it. Another reason why you're Jackie Robinson. That's right. So, I love it. You're here in Austin, the new fun place to be doing stand-up, so you're just really doing it. You got a cool spirit. I'm doing it, yeah. I work cruise ships, but I made sure I was off every Monday night so I could come back here and get on here. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Well, dude, you're doing it, man. Come back. Sign up again. Give us another minute sometime. We want to hear some of your crazy fucking horror stories and road stories and chaos. Can I give a shout-out to the ladies with low self-esteem and good credit? That's all of them, pretty much. Hell, yeah. Big Daddy needs a co-signer. Hell, yeah. I love it. Nothing easier to find than a black female co-signer. Lord knows their credit be banging. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here? I'm performing with the great Quinn Dale. He brings me around, gives me some days with me. He's fantastic. Yeah, very funny. He looks me out there with him. And look for me here. I'll be every Monday night. Tell Quinn I want him on panel sometime. Let's do this thing. Here's a big joke book. Come back again soon. That was bad. That was a bad toss. I over-rotated that. Ladies and gentlemen, the "Kill Tony" debut of a 40-year comedy veteran, Joel Lindley. Two 59-year-olds back to back to start the show. Can we go three 59-year-old white men in a row? I highly doubt it as I bring up the one-word name of Vasquez, everybody. Here's Vasquez. Hey, guys. I just got back. I'm on the show. Hey, guys. I just want to say one thing. If you come in to where I'm sitting and you walk in off of the showroom floor with a Harley Davidson and fresh leather gear on and sit in front of me and drink a Frappuccino, then I'm not going to be able to hold my face correctly. I can't be responsible for anything that happens after that if you sit in front of me. And you drink a Frappuccino like you're my ex-girlfriend's kid finishing up a Capri Sun, then I can't be -- just my face is going to do some things and I won't be able to hold -- anyway. Let's -- on a lighter note -- I should have wrote some stuff down. Old people look like fish. On a lighter note -- I should have wrote some stuff down. On a lighter note -- I should have written some stuff down. I don't know why, because I have ADHD or something. I think that's called retardation. Big difference between ADHD and WTF, which is what most people were thinking. Okay, old people look like a fish was funny. Do you have more like that? Do you have other funny things? Yeah, I've had something else to that, but I forgot. You forgot that. Perfect. What a professional. First time. Okay, all right. More things like the joke you did at the end would be my advice. More things that are funny. Noted. Yeah, more of that. That whole thing before, I mean, that was nuts, dude. How long have you been preparing for this, your first minute ever doing stand-up comedy? It's hard to say. Hard to say, really. Okay, but there's a lot of things hard to say here. It's a good interview. It's a good interview so far. What do you do for work? I'm a brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies, a lot of up-and-coming starters. Oh, this is your version of having the $300,000 bank deposit slip. Okay, perfect. Sure, we totally believe you. He's a brand ambassador for Frappuccino. That's what he's here for. Amazing. How long have you been a brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies? Probably a couple years. Two years. Okay. What exactly? What does that entail? What, do you get on jets and go? No, no, no. It's nothing really. It's not a big deal, really. It's just I give away a lot of free stuff. Like where? Mostly Costco. Okay. So we're finding out in real time right now that you work at Costco. Correct. Yes. Very good. Very good. Boy, oh boy. This show is live and it's real. Let me remind you one more time. I do this a lot sometimes. Every fucking show you've ever seen before this, the host knows what the other person does. They know what they're promoting. They know what they're going to fucking say. I had to pull that out of you. You thought we were going to go, oh, yeah, multi-million dollar brand. What's your love life like? Even the microphone is jumping off a cliff right now to save us. It's the cruel tutelage of the brand ambassador, Vasquez. That's hilarious. Microphone's like, this motherfucker work at Costco. I'm out of here. Did they tell you to say that? I'm sorry? You're a brand ambassador, even though you just give out samples of fish sticks. I got to tell you, I don't know if it was on purpose, but that is hilarious what you just did. That's a fucking joke. I mean, I'm really the one that dug it up. You know, it was your lie that started that hilarious order of events. I wouldn't say that. It's not a lie. You're right. You're right. No, Costco is a multi-million dollar brand. And the brands that he is giving out samples of are most likely multi-million dollar brands. You're not Michael Penne on bath salts? I'm not sure who that is. Okay. Vasquez, tell us more about your life. Anything else crazy we should know? Are you like, you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that has like a jump rope record or something like that. You're very fit. You remind me of Michael Gonzalez back here. You're in good shape. Okay. Okay. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? Not really. You do have two different colored eyes. Is that eye over there working? Not exactly. Not exactly. That's not a no. It's a not exactly. Kind of like. That eye might be a brand ambassador for a million dollar company. And then you find out, no, it's working at Costco. What happened to that eye? Boxing accident. I took a finger to the eye. Damn. A finger. Thought you were boxing up fish sticks. A finger to the eye, but mostly there's normally gloves that are worn in boxing. Where did the finger come from? It wasn't from. We weren't wearing gloves. It wasn't a sanctioned fight. It was a cock fight. Wow. Where was this at? El Paso, Texas. Oregon. Oh, Oregon. Yes. The El Paso of the North. And you were just doing a normal street fight? Was it over a disagreement? Practice. Practice for boxing? Yeah. Holy shit. Not a game. Not a game. Damn. Yeah. Uh-uh. Wow. That had to suck, huh? Yeah. Yeah. How long ago was that? Probably, um. Uh. Four years ago. Oh, that's not that bad. You had two eyes for a long time. D-Madness. D-Madness thinks you're a huge pussy, dude. The God himself poked out D-Madness's eyes, so imagine that. Yeah, he's doing the Lord's work. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe not because God is light, but. Vasquez, is comedy something that you actually want to do, or did you just. Yes. Okay. All right. Well, keep writing jokes. Here's a. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There goes Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along now. You know, we're all getting better about talking openly about mental health, but finding support can still feel overwhelming. Between schedules, cost, and trying to find the right therapist, it's easy to keep putting it off. That's one reason I really like Talkspace. Red Band? Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists. You can access online anytime, anywhere, and you can switch providers at no extra cost to make sure you find that one that really fits your needs. Talkspace is in-network with most major insurance plans, and many insured members pay a copay of zero dollars. Talkspace's mission is to provide quality care whether or not you are insured, meaning it's actually affordable out-of-pocket as well. So, as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony. And enter promo code SPACE80. That's S-P-A-C-E-80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. All shapes and sizes of people. Brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies. The sample guy at Costco. So, a lot of range in between those two jobs. That's below a bagger. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes. By the name of Paul Cyphers. We know Paul. He's a funny guy. Here comes Paul Cyphers. I work as an exterminator. I do pest control for a living. Thank you. It's kind of like being an ice officer for cute little animals. That's basically it. Instead of catching Mexicans, I mostly catch squirrels. Mexicans and squirrels, very different. You know, one is a small brown creature you'll see on someone's lawn or up on someone's roof. And the other is a squirrel. Today, someone asked me if I was going to kill the squirrel. I was like, no, man, I'm going to put it in a cage and separate it from its family. This is a true thing. My work truck has been broken into three times in the past month. Nothing will turn you into a Republican faster than tools getting stolen out of your work truck. But we live in Texas, so I went out and I bought a gun, you know. They break into my house. They break into my truck again. I'm going to fucking kill myself. That should do it. Thank you guys very much. Appreciate it. Great. Paul Cyphers. Hell yeah, buddy. That was awesome. How's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up now? Like seven, going on eight years. Yeah. I remember you many times from the show being very, very funny. Thank you. Seemed funnier than ever. How's life going for you? Better in certain ways. Worse in others. Let's talk about it. What do you mean? I'm doing pest control. I'm an exterminator, so I'll start there. Not usually the mark of somebody doing super well, but I had a friend today say, well, you should be grateful you have a job. And I was like, well, you're an employee. Do you want me to put a resume in? He said, no, I'm good, actually. So that's something. Tell us about the nightmares that you see out there. I run into a lot of Kill Tony fans. Oh, yeah. They're everywhere. They are. They're bedbugs and cockroaches and droves. Yeah, they also have Ferraris and Corvettes, too. Well, they're here. I don't think anybody here is using my company. But they recognize you when you come in. They go, holy shit, aren't you on Kill Tony? No, once or twice it's happened, but. Oh, you bring it up. You're out there spraying, and you're like, so you ever see Kill Tony? It comes up. I just try to make good conversation with people, and it comes up. And in Austin, it's very, very popular. What are some of the infestations that have blown your mind, though? I'm sure people want to know, because it's crazy out there. I hear horror stories all the time. I hate in the heat of the summer, I deal with a lot of black widow spiders. Okay, I thought that was going another direction for a while. Thought you were going to be the greatest exterminator of all time for a moment there, and it turns out just a spider problem. It's gay pride, not white pride, my Tony. I'm like, what are you exterminating? And he's like, these fucking black widows. Yeah, why was it black like that? It leaned into the blood like black widows. It was all. It was just a long black. These fucking creeps. crazy-ass motherfucking, always on the porch, these fucking black widows out there, just always trying to fucking ruin everybody's night with their fucking yapping and drama. Like, wait, what? It's a spider? They actually become a widow after the extermination. Yeah. They hated that. After they fucked Joel Lindley, the second 59-year-old of the night that loves black women. He'd be exterminating that pussy. You know what I'm saying? All right, go ahead. Black widows are terrible. Black widows, rattlesnakes. Yeah, I originally did pest control for my dad's business in Massachusetts. And moving down here, much like the people, the bugs are a lot angrier and fatter here in Texas. Yeah. So it's very terrifying. The people are disgusting. Cockroaches, you name it. Yeah, that happens. That's a thing. They're out there. They're out there. Red band? Flies are really bad this year, right? Yeah, well, maybe your house is a little dirty. I don't know. Yeah. You just got chainsawed. All right, so I love it. So you're. Wow. There's a lot of flies out there. Outside. Yeah. No, it's. So you're out there fighting flies, and you're fighting a lot of foo, obviously. Am I correct? Food? Foo. Foo fighters. Oh. There you go. All right. What are the other. Let's talk about the big ones. This is what people want to know about. Tell us about the craziest rats that you've seen. Is there anyone that has a rat infestation out there? Every other bar besides the one you're sitting in, on 6th Street has a lot of rats. I had to drown a rat to death one time. Tell us about that. That's what we want to know. I caught a rat by only its paw on a trap, and I was at a very wealthy person's upstairs, and I called my boss, and she was like, you can either smash it off the ground. I was like, I'm not going to do that. She's like, or you can drown it. And I was like, all right, well, I guess I'll try drowning it. Hell yeah. I got a bucket of water. You fill the water. You're like one of those kids who like kills rabbits as a youth, and it's like, I can make money off of this. No, I did too many drugs in high school. I didn't go to college. I'm actually a vegan, which is the craziest part. What? Yeah. Have you ever knelt on a squirrel's neck? What's that? That's not bad. I might take that. Thank you. You're welcome. Wow. So how did you drown this rat? What did you put the rat in? I filled a bucket with water, and the rat was on a trap, so I put it in, and the rat's like screaming. No, please, mister, no. And it falls under the water, just like total silence. Turns out rats cling to life quite a bit, so I start breaching the water like an orca whale. Oh, my God. So I looked around, and I saw a broom, and I just kind of like lightly was holding it. Oh, shit. He really is like, he really is like, he's like a 1990s LAPD cop. Jesus Christ. Nobody's filming this, right? And I'm emotional, I was pretty emotionally affected by it. The bubbles are coming up. It takes, Oh, my God. It turns out it takes a long time. Wow. Eventually I got bored. I just started doom scrolling on my phone. I was like, Oh, my God. I remember it was the Rock's cheat day, so I opened my phone. I'm like, that's a lot of pancakes that Dwayne Johnson's eating. And then he was dead. Oh, that's hilarious, Paul Seifert. And there were four turtles crying. Yeah. This guy in the camo hat just said, what the fuck? You know, it's a weird story. Yep. That guy's killed Middle Eastern people before from long range. Yep. And he'll do it again, he just said. Perfect. Welcome to America, everybody. Wow. Paul, how's your love life? Love life. When you're not drowning rats, are you drowning in pussy? I'm actually, I drown the rats. I'm saving up to try to afford a wedding for the love of my life. Oh, nice. How long have you been with her? I've been with her going on three years, but I have been sure about trying to marry her since I met her. But it takes a long time on the exterminator salary to save up. That makes sense. That makes sense. And she's a vegan. She is not. No, she's a Texas, a Houston gal. She, she's actually fat ass loves brisket. You know? I love it. I love it. So what made you turn vegan? What point? Well, I've been I was vegan on and off and honestly, it's just something in stand up. I have some jokes about it and I just try to do, I'm like totally sober now. I just try to change things up to try to write material. You know, you don't have to do that. Yeah. You could eat a steak and go on stage and do a joke about being vegan if you wanted to. That's true. That's actually what I'm doing right now. I don't know why I lie. I'm just trying to get my own way. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, no, I just shoved some shit in front of the door so we can hear him start trying to break in. Is that true? I love that. Hell yeah. That works. That works. I get it. I've never really gotten into the single mom thing. I don't. Don't do it. What's that? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's amazing. She does stand up? Yeah. Tony, get you a black widow. That's who you need. Okay. Did she sign up tonight? Is she with you? Yeah, she's across the street, or next door. What's her name? Sagan Butler. There you go. We're going to get her out here. We're going to have her do it, man. That'll be fun. So how long have you been banging this fucking mom for? We've been in an intimate relationship for about four months, I'd say. Okay. She's a very. She's a very respectful woman. Don't say that. I love it. I love it. So have the kids ever cock-blocked you or anything like that? How do the kids fit into this thing? Oh, man. The oldest are good. They take themselves to bed. The youngest, they try to. Which they stay with their dad part of the time. That's when I like to come over. But. Hell yeah. That's the good times. Yeah. You ever do the Hank Hill voice with them? Do what did you say? You ever do like the Hank Hill voice with them? No, I don't. I'm going to be real honest. You should, though, because you got that, you know. I don't have Wi-Fi. I don't. I don't have. So I've never seen any of that. Right. Yeah. You could tell. Again, Moses is from San Diego. Not many blacks know about King of the Hill. He's white. I told him about King of the Hill. Amazing. Amazing. Proving my point yet again. Amazing. Have you met the dad? I've met one of the dads. There's. Hey, hold up. Whoa. Welcome to another episode of One of the Dads. Hold up. How many dads are there? More. Only two. Only two. Only two dads. Are the kids. Mexican, yes. Yeah. They are? Are they really? Yeah, yeah. This lady's bouncing from landscaper to landscaper? Yeah, you're right. Yeah. This is incredible. Coming over to trim the hedges. Yeah, very nice. She's letting everybody mow her lawn. Incredible. Hey, don't say that about my lady. It's been four months. Don't disrespect her like that. It's been the best four months of my life. I love it. Here's a fun fact. We're both friends with Yoshi. Pretty good friends with Yoshi. Okay. Yoshi's the best. Dude, Yoshi's the fucking man. I'm more of a Wario guy myself, but that's good. Guys, why don't you. We're going to bring up Sagan. How about one more time for Trenton Tebow, everybody? Trenton, he was a big joke, but my friend, thank you. Hello there. If you've been sitting on a business idea, Shopify makes it easy to turn that idea into something real. You know, when I launched the Kill Tony storefront, I was surprised by how much was already taken care of. I didn't need a bunch of different tools or complicated setup steps. Everything I needed to start selling was there from day one. Redband. One of the biggest things I noticed early on was how smoothly customers moved through checkout. Shopify checkout helped more people complete their purchases and returning customers could check out even faster because their information was already saved. That friction-free experience gave me confidence that the sales side was working the way it should. And once that foundation was in place, my focus shifted from building the store to actually growing the business. Instead of worrying about the technical side, I could spend a lot of time on the business side. I could spend more time improving products, connecting with customers and finding new ways to grow. Things that people actually want and think are cool. It's also reassuring knowing Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide. From first-time entrepreneurs to major brands, the infrastructure's already there. You just bring the idea, my friend. With Shopify, nothing stands between your idea and a real business. So go make it one. Start your free trial at shopify.com slash killtony. That's right. I don't know about you guys, but I want to meet the mother of four that's getting banged out by Trenton Tebow. Here to do an uninterrupted minute of stand-up comedy, make some noise for Sagan Butler, everybody. Surprise, I'm a single mom of four. Yes. I also worked with infants for over a decade and I learned some things about people. Like across the lifespan, we just try to recreate the feeling of being in the womb because it's what we find soothing. It's why we swaddle babies. Adults use weighted blankets. And that's probably why I love alcohol and the muffled sounds of people fighting. Feels like home, you know? Something I notice I do as a parent is I call my kids little cute pet names on the fly, right? But the other day, I accidentally called my baby girl booger sugar. And in case you live under a rock, that means cocaine. And I felt bad until I realized all the things that babies and cocaine have in common. They're both really expensive. They both keep you up all night. And they both frequently get sniffed by members of the Biden family. Thank you. All right, I'll end it there. Hilarious. Amazing. Sagan Butler, welcome, welcome. Hi. This is your first time on the show? Second. Okay. How long ago was that last time? Like two years ago. Okay. What did we talk about in your interview back then, two years ago? Me being a single mom, mostly. Nice. I have two little boys on the spectrum. One of them is a savant type, so we talked about that. Okay. All right, great. Welcome, welcome. Did you have braces back then? Unfortunately, yes. I don't know when I'm going to get them off, so we'll see. Hell yeah. That's some real fucking Dallas shit right there. Just getting braces and then never having them removed. Let's check in with the great Dave Lando. Look, at least they're Invisalign. I want to say, yeah, that was a great set, and I saw you last night at Roast Battle. I think you're tremendous. That's all I want to say. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Sagan Butler out here doing it. So let's talk about it. What are the updates in life? It's been two years since you were on. What's going on? I watched my friend die in front of me. He was on this show. Oh, shit. Who was that? His name was Henry Cruz. Henry Cruz. What happened to Henry? We were walking to get an Uber. A car jumped the curb, hit him, and they took off. I have heard of this. Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. Why would you do that? That was a traumatizing moment. Is that what it sounded like? Yeah. Okay. They never caught the hidden runner? They did. They haven't, like, we still got to go through this. They haven't prosecuted him yet? No. How long did it take to find him? Like a few weeks to a month. Damn. Yeah. It was pretty bad. Were they on the run? I mean, I guess they hit him and it just kept going. Did anyone get the license plate or anything? No. It was just like in a split second. So they kind of had to do the math on, like, cameras and stuff? Yeah. It was in Deep Ellum, so there's cameras everywhere. So I imagine that's how they caught him. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. What did he do when he was on this show? What did he do on this show? No, how did he do it? He did great. Did he? He did really well. So he was in two situations where someone killed. Yeah, exactly. Amazing. He was a great guy. And so he died in your arms? Essentially. I tried giving him CPR. It didn't work. What do you think? Like, did he, like, hit his head? I mean, I'm sorry to have you describe this situation. It's okay. I've talked about it a lot. Yeah. He lost consciousness. So once he was, once he, you know, landed, he was out. So he wasn't scared or, like, like in pain or anything. Got it. Well, that's good. That's good. Damn. That sucks. I thought we liked dark shit, guys. Oh, yeah. It's good. It's good. Did you find his joke book? Maybe you can do some of it. Bread man. Come on, bread man. Why would you say that? Okay. Well, that's incredible. What else is going on in life? These kids are growing up. How, what's the savant? What is their talent? He's just incredible. He's really smart about everything. Like, he'll, like, educate family members at, like, events where they're, like, let me tell you about gestational diabetes. And it's just like. I love it. Yeah. Sounds like a future golden ticket winner to me. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. He's a. They do, they do mics with me sometimes. Oh, nice. How old is he? He is currently 11. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. That's fun. What type of alcohol is the best to drink while pregnant to have an autistic child? I want to have a savant. Don't we all? Yeah. Okay. I don't know. All right. That was my mom, not me. Actually, she didn't do that. It's just. I love you, mom. Did you take a lot of Tylenol? Yeah. I had two of them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing, Sagan. Well, you're very, very funny. Your boyfriend, Trenton, is hilarious as well. You guys are living the life. I bet you have a lot of giggles on your drives up and down from Dallas. I bet he gets the most rugged, brace-filled roadhead you can possibly imagine. I mean, I don't know what kind of car he's driving. him, but there's a lot of potholes from here to Dallas. I hope he's stopping off at Bucky. and getting a little break, putting a little ice on that shit. Oh, Sagan, amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book for you. Great stuff. There they go. The amazing couple of Trent and Tebow and Sagan Butler. A fun little old school thing where if someone very funny has a loved one out there that does comedy, we get them both up. Right now, while we go wrangle that next bucket pool, I have one of the great regulars of the history of the show ready. With a brand new minute for you. One of the hardest jobs in all of stand-up comedy is writing and performing a brand new minute every week. Having to follow your own actions and own growth here. And this guy shows no mercy. Never takes a week off by choice. Always working, always grinding. Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. The Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Did y'all know y'all don't have to prove you're autistic to buy Legos? I didn't know that because every time I went to the Lego store, it was always a long line of niggas buying it. And then I realized it was just the person at the counter telling the nigga, ringing them up how much they love Legos and everything that they build. And I went in there. I just wanted to buy this Transformer Legos that just had came out. And I don't know how to put them together because I'm not autistic. It's just like, it's just art in my house. Like, it's just the same. And so I had recently got released from Japan when I was in jail and I had a party at my house and one of my autistic friends, that nigga, he just walked up to me. He was like, hey, do you want me to put together that Transformer? And I was like, how do you, nigga, that was in my room. Like, how did you get back there? How did you get back there? He's like, I'll take it apart after if that's what you need, if you want to put it together. I was like, nigga, go back there. And then after about like when the party was ending, that nigga was still, putting it together. I was like, hey, we got to go to, we're like, we're leaving here. And he was like, I'm not. So I want to, I want to start like a, like a task rabbit. Like you hire people to hang stuff. I want to start that for autistic people called finish it or die trying. He's just still been in my house, which I'm new to autism because I grew up black. I, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't really just like, all of a sudden everybody who I knew was white was autistic. So I thought these niggas was lying. Like when they told me they all had spaceships, right? And, but I, my ex-girlfriend Penelope was the first person to tell me about it. She came to me, she said, Dedrick, I'm autistic. I was like, shut the fuck up. Right. And, and then like the next morning we was about to eat breakfast. And then I saw her pour her milk in before her cereal. And I was like, yeah, that nigga autistic. That's, we got to put her down. That's my time, y'all. - Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, with another two minutes, always doing overtime. Incredible. Milk before cereal just, it just makes me uncomfortable to think about. Out of all the things we've covered, people dying in other people's arms, fucking four kids from two different dads, 59 years old, never done this before, eight broken bones, dead mom, dead brother. I have notes here that are very sad. Something about pouring milk in a bowl before cereal. Just has me so uncomfortable. Dee Madness is going to go cut himself. - My girl does that. - Even he has never poured more milk before cereal and he doesn't know what the fuck the difference is. - My girl does that. Janice does that too. - Oh my God. Incredible. Milk before cereal. Frightening. It floats, right? Doesn't it kind of float? - I couldn't watch her pour. It was like, you know how you like watch a scene that you know is a horror scene as a kid. So like, I'm looking at her pouring. But I can't see her finish it. And then after she poured the cereal, she was like, you want me to pour you one? I was like, nigga, no, don't touch. Don't touch cereal around. I couldn't, that's why we broke up. I'm not going to lie to y'all. We was in love right before then. And I was like, you know what? - Oh yeah. - God do be talking to you. He, there will be signs. - Yeah. He said, stop dating retarded chicks, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know what they say? Once you go pale, you know what I'm saying? She making kale, but if she's hot with tattoos as well, she's autistic as well. I can't remember what they said. - Right. - I just made up both of those. - Hell yeah. Incredible. - I'm glad you're back, man. I think we all miss you. I miss Dedrick. I did. I love Dedrick. - Thank y'all so much. - Yeah. - Yeah, we covered it a little bit last week, but I still think we were all a bit traumatized. - That you look like a deflated Rick Ross. I like that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if you do, if you do several hundred pushups a day, when you get to zoomies, you can lose weight too. - They ain't got no, it's like worst jail food. Like, I think everybody thought I was going to come back like in a certain way, but like, we had like teriyaki anchovies and like pickled cabbage, like five days a week. And so like, I was, I was definitely in the uh-uh stage. 'Cause the first time I ate it, I thought it was vegetables. And then the second time I ate it, I looked down, I saw a bunch of eyes looking at me. - Oh, shit. - Yeah, she was just, but I love Japan. Thank y'all so much. - Wait. - That is such a lie. - When did they let you out, Juneteenth? - Right before, they knew the nigga had to leave. Honestly, they just wanted to meet me from how nice they were to me. Like, they were like the, the whole staff, they were always like super comedian when I would make them niggas laugh and shit. Like, they was like, they were like, you, you, you get off. We, you put this in standup. When you go back, can't wait to see. And I was like, I don't, I don't know how they gonna see it. 'Cause I'm not going to do it in both languages. Like, I didn't learn any Japanese out there, but I did learn what was bad in Japan. - Right. - Do they be fucking in jail in Japan? - Huh? - No, they don't have, brother, let me tell you this. Let me tell you, let me tell you, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. This is 24 hour lockdown. And when you first come in, this was the scariest part when I walked in, 'cause at first I thought they was being nice to me 'cause they handed me like three blankets and everybody who'd been arrested in here know jail is the coldest place on earth, right? So I was like, this is going to be a cakewalk for me. I got three blankets, I'm good. And then them niggas handed me a leather box that had the same like density and shape as Velveeta cheese. I thought it was a leather box of toiletries. No nigga, that was the pillow, right? That was the pillow. And then when I got to the cell, there were no beds. So one of those blankets was either a bed or a blanket or a pillow, like, you know what I'm saying, to use it. So there was nothing, and we got room service. I was the worst part, nigga, no ramen. All right, can we talk about that? There ain't no, nigga, I didn't have no ramen when I was in Japan. And I wanted to tell these niggas, y'all are missing out on so much money. Because like in the United States, nigga, ramen, I've seen, it's what, ramen in jail, it's like what you could do with ramen. Like niggas make like lasagna out of ramen. I done seen niggas make knives out of ramen. Like I seen niggas escape from jail out of ramen. No ramen, nigga, I had zero ramen. All that was was really made in prison. - You just like, you're the Bubba Gump of ramen. That was- - You can make ramen pizza. - Yeah, you look like the offensive coordinator. Nigga, fuck you. - Oh, shit. - Offensive coordinator. Get your black ass out of here. You supposed to be on my side. - I am, oh, I said happy Juneteenth, nigga Jesus. - No, he's from San Diego. - Oh, yeah. - I'm on your side though. - Thank you so much, dawg. Yeah, you ain't write me at all, nigga. You ain't say keep your head up, nigga. You know what I'm saying, dawg? - First of all, it's Japan. You bow, you don't keep your head up. - No, you do. It's a quick head nod. Niggas don't really bow in jail 'cause it's, I don't know, nigga, I didn't make the fucking rules. Why you looking at me? Like, I just, I made one mistake and niggas let me go, all right? That was the end of it. - Did you have a roommate? - I had four of 'em. - Were they fucking horrified when you walked in? - No, they were, they-- - Oh, very brakka. - Why'd they be horrified? - 'Cause it's-- - It's a very brakka. - 'Cause it's four Japanese guys. - Are you just scared every time you see a black dude in the room? - Not me. - Like, why are you, do you get horrified when you see a black dude come in the room? - No, but if I was-- - I think you do. - No, I really don't. I'm from Detroit. - Oh, yeah, so you definitely do. - No. - Nah, I'm with Dave on this one. I picture three scared little Japanese men going, "Oh, no." - Black Zilla. - This is the worst case scenario. - Yeah, you got like three dudes, three small dudes, and then you walk in, clearly-- - He's going to try to steal one of my piro. - Bro, Dave. - Yeah. - He probably thinking the piro too small. He going to steal. - I'm not going to do that to you. - They was just, they was a gangster too. They was like a Yakuza member, but like, I'm good around gangsters. Like, I would just help them out sometimes. Like, I helped them. Like, I helped, out of the three dudes in that room, I helped two of them get out on bail 'cause they didn't understand the system, and I had them like writing letters to the judge and stuff like that, like helping them get out. - Look at you, pulling a Johnny Cochran in there. - Yeah, dog. I told them, every time I would see them like getting a little upset 'cause it's 24-hour lockdown, so they could really get to you, and we all in a box, so like, if I started, I was like, come on, let's hit these push-ups. So I had them doing push-ups, sit-ups, like talking to them. Like, when I left, they woke me up, and they were like crying that I was leaving, like gave me a hug, and he told me-- - We are going to a museum, black man. - Black Shogun's what they call me in there. - Black Shogun. - Ah, I will never forget when you forced me to do push-up. - Number 16. - Thanking you for teaching me to read and write. - You got me out on bail. - You are a bear-er-er. - I never knew. - I will never forget you. - I will-- watch every episode of you on kill tony rr the thing is they did though after i got arrested they started looking me up and so then they would start like coming by and like saying some of the jokes that i was saying like hey that guy said they were so nice to me like when i was getting out the nigga shook my hand i never shook an officer's hand he was like hey do i look mad at you and i was like no he was like so that should tell you if you get out tomorrow because this shit it's a terrifying y'all y'all gotta is you gotta spend a mandatory 23 days and then if they have enough evidence you go to trial which is six weeks later oh my god my case is dropped and dismissed of the fucking 11 people i am the only person to get the fuck out and it does not matter what lawyer you have i was just telling the truth i don't i don't do mdma i don't like i told i told the cops i said i'll do mdma because i love lasers uh already like and they was like do you do cocaine i was like no my nigga i already talk a lot you know what i'm saying like i don't i don't need to do hard drugs like i'm already crazy and so they they was real nice you should try mdma by the way yeah very nice yeah thank you red band i love all the ai shit you do is that how you got there our senior health correspondent brian red band ladies and gentlemen always on top of what everybody should do yeah uh dedrick you are always so wildly entertaining unbelievably charismatic dark storm the black shogun dedrick flynn fresh out of japanese prison look at these guys there's the lovely heidi ladies and gentlemen ah that is say that you're allowed to say that no say it now say it now it's not gonna be he's not gonna be stop man stop he's not gonna be fresh out of japanese prison just just say into the mic what you just whispered into my ear and i'm going to force you to do it so you might as well just do it just say what you just said referring to dedrick's japanese prison stay he said that we missed a joke that we could have said go ahead yeah it's just i can imagine him being like no my nigga they're like no no no no no we have no sushi i liked it more how you said it i literally just said nigiri to you and you're like that's funny yeah anyway it was better than we're keeping it moving ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next bucket pull back to the bucket we go make some noise for gerard michaels everybody baby here we are it's so good to be here the greatest show on earth and the greatest club on earth and the greatest country on earth let's rock and roll i love seeing the european minds explode being here for the world cuff being lied to all these years with the propaganda and they're sitting here like i thought it was going to be nazis in a race war and it turns out there's nothing but buckies and ranch dressing it's delightful yeah dude you've been lied to the whole time america is amazing dude it's incredible here we go skydiving with no fucking health care here dude we're awesome if you like buckies and ranch dressing stick around for the fourth of july and check out four loco and cherry bombs it's gonna be fucking awesome it's what the media does man they lie man i remember watching cnc and i'm seeing don lemon staring right into the tv going middle-aged white men are the most dangerous creatures on planet earth and i turn and i look at my father eating easy cheese off his belly with a rich cracker i'm like oh shit that's a fucking apex predator right there welcome gerard you've been on this show before right this is my first time tony wow how do i recognize you where do i know you from uh i don't know you've got your old country buffet maybe it's done roast battles before oh you were here opening for uh dave this weekend the great dave land got it that makes sense well that's cool where you are you where do you live uh i live in fort lauderdale florida now but i hail from old bridge new jersey nice hell yeah i'm glad you stuck around for this that's fun how long you been doing stand-up 12 years 12 years all of it there in florida mostly uh no new york mostly new york city started at the stress level and i'm like oh my god i'm going to be at the stress factory vinnie brand shout out my brother nice we do new york city sometimes we're going to be at madison square garden august 7th and 8th fun fact the kill tony band is playing on august 6th at the city winery so if you're doing got nothing to do on that thursday let's see the kill tony band why not and also there's weekend passes available we're doing a different thing where you can buy a full weekend uh kill tony passes that was a way for me to plug thank you for letting me plug my uh madison square garden dates anyway uh gerard so you live in new york now i live in fort lauderdale moving to austin texas july 16th nice congratulations welcome welcome what are you most excited about about moving to austin it's a very fun place i was just in florida i know florida very well i actually like fort lauderdale right um i think all the women here look like they're either just getting over a fever or a fever is just coming on and that makes them very approachable okay you see that huh it's like a sixth sense or something yeah yeah it's kind of my thing you know wow that's incredible i've never noticed that before do you see that in any of the ladies out in this audience here tonight you see any fever no there's a lot of good-looking girls with ugly guys in here this is like a tesla product or something yeah there's like a spacex ipo in here or something perfect yes that's what i tend to see as well someone tried to tell me that our fan base has a lot of cockroaches and rats earlier i wasn't having him just kidding i believe him um so gerard how do you make money just stand up or do you have another side gig you like the kind of guy that likes to get under a truck every once in a while get under that hood change the carburetors yeah i mean i think you mean mechanic but it came off as gay to me i don't know yeah no i do i i do make it i everything i do is kind of gay yeah i i i work uh i work uh with uh veteran awareness but a company called vetclaims.ai trying to uh help veterans come home and you know get all the money that they've earned fuck yeah that's great we love that we love the vets taking care of all the animals and whatnot um oh by the way if there's any vets in here just you know say your dick doesn't work you get all the money that's kind of the secret whoa amazing are you a veteran yourself no no i'm a pussy right okay what made you get into that industry how'd you get into that uh well uh they were looking for content creation and then we were helping them out trying to like you know take their brand have you tried costco yeah right yeah the benefits would have been better and uh i just fell in love with it man they're a great company and they're doing great things and it's something that i feel very strongly i love that me too absolutely we love our veterans here in the kill tony universe um so let me ask you this what's your love life like because you seem like the kind of guy that likes to shake the mattress a little bit uh yeah i i it could always be better man it could always be better you know i think uh like tell us what was your last like random hookup like what what how does that guy like gerard michaels like to wrangle a little a little little rodeo uh uh i like to troll the bars for single moms at the end of the night mostly oh you ever seen a single mom with braces and four kids from two different dads there's my target demographic hell yeah absolutely i had a feeling you would like that there was one up here earlier uh so the last hookup like when did that happen recently okay yeah so just out of curiosity take us through it is this someone that saw you perform stand-up and they're like you're funny what's up no no i was at the i was i'm sorry but i kind of have a fever coming out yeah no i was at the uh white horse trolling a little bit hell yeah that's a great place yeah i was having a little boot scooting boogie and i heard this girl talking about our dad's an asshole and i was like i'm in wow that's perfect white horse is the shit i i love that fucking place and yeah there's real normal human like girls there it's like real huge humans so far so good yeah it's fun they throw on their little boots and their polka dot skirts and they go out and have a few drinks and they'll fucking even hook up with a big boy like you right yeah for free that's south florida is like two grand a night you know what i mean so yeah check in with the great dave landau yeah the other place that he told me about is like yeah if you can't find somebody it's like you know cockfight it's a gay bar but they do have food until three a.m yeah it's delicious that's what you call a win-win situation exactly hell yeah either get chicken or some chicken i like to eat a little beef cheek you know i think you're a beast and i'm glad you came out here i really had no idea you were going to and i'm really happy and you killed great job thank you so much hell yeah gerard you're a very funny man congratulations here's a big joke book coming at you and there he goes gerard michaels everybody we're gonna keep it moving along i always love it i love it when fucking comedy veteran sign up for the show i think it's very smart for people that have been doing it 12 years or 40 years like joel lindley earlier to come and be seen you know anyway make some noise for your next bucket pool this is a tough name to say but i'm gonna try my best i'm gonna say doorday kirk edgic doorday kirk edgic you i apollo Apologize to absolutely nobody. Last time I was here, I'm the guy two years ago that was here and missing a front teeth and asked for reparations. Well, I got mine, which is American-made porcelain. You can't hear that. Anyway, I was reading this book by David Steinberg, Inside Comedy. And in that book, he said that comedians are allowed to steal ideas and then produce their own material. Steal ideas, produce own material. And also, he said in that book that if it wasn't for Richard Pryor, there would never be a Dave Chappelle, no Cat Williams we know today. And I agree with both of these statements, because if it wasn't for these three guys, I would never dream of becoming the first Montenegro comedian in the world. Thank you, guys. I appreciate that. That was my time. Am I saying that right, Dorday? Giorgia. Giorgia, okay. Or we can say George. It starts with a D where you're from? Where is that, Poland? Montenegro. Montenegro. That's in Europe, sir. Welcome, welcome. But that's a D? It's a D with the middle thing inside. Oh, okay. That makes it a George. It's a G. George. It's a Giorgia or George. Georgia. Welcome, Georgia. Thank you. Thank you. So, you were on two years ago and you were missing a tooth is what I gathered from that. That's right. And then at the end there, these three guys, what were you saying there? What was that? If it wasn't for Richard Pryor, there would never be a Dave Chappelle, no Cat Williams we know today. Okay. All right. Just making sure I heard. And if there wasn't a Drago and a Love Guru, there wouldn't be you. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, you're wearing capris. You're so unlikable, George. I mean, like you came up here, I'm apologizing. Usually Americans, we like a foreigner who can't speak our language unless they're Mexican. But this was like a whole thing. We just like, you got to lose those teeth again. You'll be likable again. Thank you. Yeah, punch yourself. George, those teeth. Now, I can laugh more. Yes. Did you say Montenegro? Yes. I feel like you didn't even pronounce your own country right there. That was wild. I said the Montenegro. Oh, there it is. Yeah, yeah. Yes, sir. So, you. So, there's a hard R in that? Well, it was a hard R in my-- In your country? Yes. I said-- no, not my country. When I said it the first time, I'll repeat it again. Because I don't believe in racism, I'll repeat it again. But the word nigger does exist. You don't have to believe in it, but it exists, my brother. Shit. Oh, we know. When you're not here, we say it all the time. I've been saying it in my head all night. Yeah. So, George. George. Detroit. Yes, sir. George, what do you do for a living? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. What do you do for work, George? I do not work. How do you survive? I'm a privileged citizen of the United States of America. How do you have money? How do you-- I don't have money. I live without money. I'm getting clothes, all of this-- Dude, we got to call ICE. What the fuck is going on here right now? This is true. I'm not lying. So, all of these clothes and shoes we get here, because I'm a houseless. I'm not homeless. I'm a houseless man. What fucking democratic USAID operation is this? Is funding these dudes with man buns coming to our country, getting free clothes. Where do you live, exactly? I live in the woods of the Zilker Park. OK. Here we go. Let's talk about it. Now I'm interested. Do you have a tent? Do you have a tent? Do you have some kind of dwelling? I have a tent, but I'm not sleeping in my tent, because it's too hot here in Austin. So I'm leaving my stuff inside the tent, but I sleep on the benches around the town. OK. I sleep-- I sleep here in front of the churches, right? Yes. Wow. Look at you. So you choose to do that. I choose to do that, not to go back to my country. I choose to stay here. Have you thought about getting an American job and having an apartment with air conditioning? I'm not allowed to work. I don't have a work permit, so I don't want to cheat anymore in my life. I'm not a cheater anymore. Wow. Yeah, I learned not to cheat, yes. Tell that to every Mexican here. need to protect Israel from the Decepticons. I was like, yo, what the fuck are these ads right now, dawg? Megatron is an anti-Semite and he must be stopped. I was like, bro, I gotta get YouTube premium. What the fuck is going on right now? Cut your penis off and become a woman. Transform? What I've done, I changed myself. And then he turned into a star of David and flew away. I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck's going on? Alright, thank you guys. Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen. A local Austin comedian. Yeah. I knew it. I knew you would do good. There he is. Welcome back, Michael. How's it going? Dude, I'm fucking letting my nuts hang, dude. I'm having a blast. Perfect. Don't transform for anyone. I love it. Let it happen. Tell us about life, Michael. Life's good. Yo, what's up, Moses? How are you? I'm fucking running Austin's chapter of Roast Battle. That's been pretty good. Hell yeah. You're like hosting the show, weekly shows here? I'm running the chapter, so I'm booking bi-weekly Roast Battle. Happy Pride Month. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. The only thing I like more than weekly is bye. I'm Nate. Michael Ridley. Hell yeah. So what else is going on? You got Roast Battle going on? The show created by Brian Moses that he let every city do a version of. Do you get a cut of that? No. Brilliant. Anyway. We're like third in the league. Austin is third in the whole international league. Well, that is breaking news. 52 cities globally, and you guys are number three because you guys do the best. Make a lot for Austin. Who's one and two? Let me guess. New York? Yeah. Right. Because they have to be. Because you have to say that or else the whole thing's illegitimate if Austin's number one. When do you have Austin versus New York battles? Is that coming up anytime soon? It happens once a month at the Comedy Cellar. Oh, at the Cellar. So Austin's the away team on that. Yeah, yeah. In front of a New York audience. We usually bring New Yorkers here. New Yorkers come here, they get slaughtered by you guys, and yeah. Oh, okay. Well, you should do that more often because that would be more honest rankings. Ooh, that's exciting. We love that bucket pool. Fun. Michael, give us something juicy. What's going on in life? Dude, I fucking, I moved to Austin. I gave this city everything I had. I lost my truck, my mullet, and my dog, dude. There you go. That's our second country song of the night right there. Dude, I'm about to fucking. How did you lose your mullet? Take us through that process. Dude, it was just time, brother. Yeah. Sometimes when you're losing your hair, also hair is a woman's game, bro. Why the fuck do you care what your hair looks like as a man? I caught myself being like, hold on. It looked good, though. You're like Theo Wong or something like that. Ooh, Red Band. See? Put them on a roast battle versus a New Yorker. Yeah, so I straight up just, dude, I just had to call it, brother. I went full on bald, brother. Oh, shit. Look at that. Yeah, dude. This was the toughest guy in Dedrick's prison, by the way. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You can take the red pill and go back to America. Wow. Guy from James Bond. Wow. Odd job over here. Yeah. Incredible. That's comedy. It's an odd job, for sure. Wow. I love it. Everything's going good, though, bro. How'd you lose your truck? How'd I lose my. Sideswiped on 35, dude. Fucking. Wow. CRV white, dude. Watch out for them. If they're white driving a CRV, I know this is crazy. An Asian guy being like, watch out for these people. Yeah. But I'm like a very. I'm a well-vetted racist. I have a lot of data. That's a female car. Yes, CRV is a girl car, for sure. Was it a blonde female? No, it was a goofy white guy from Kyle. Whoa. That's weird. There was an open mic around the hood. Oh, my God. The guy seems stoned or anything? Like, how could it just be a white guy from Kyle out there driving terribly? That sounds weird. But then again, Texas drivers are a whole different thing. Yeah, like, as an Asian man, I'm like, you guys gotta get it together. It's super bad. Yeah, I lost my truck. It was a nice truck, too. It was a Tacoma. Did he have insurance? Are you getting a new. Yeah, he did have insurance. That was a few years back. I lost a truck. I've taken many L's since I moved here, but I needed a W. It's a full moon tonight. Fuck it. Is it really? Yeah, it's a full moon tonight. I wanted to do good tonight, so. You did. You should try to do good when what ever condition the moon is in. I would really, yeah, I would really, like, waxing, waning, any, really. Waxing. The moon is still there. We're probably still alive, so I should probably be doing good. For sure. Right. For sure. Well, thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Okay, I'll let you go. No, you don't have to let me go. No, I'm letting you go. I was gonna keep you up here and make you the next superstar, but no, I'm kidding. I'm joking. Okay, okay. You're fantastic, Michael. You're great. I am gonna keep it moving along. There goes the great Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen. I love you. Bye-bye. Yeah. All right. When I saw Michael's name on the piece of paper, I was very excited, because I know Michael Ridley. I knew he was gonna do jokes. Just like I said, it happened again. Just like we had two 59-year-olds back-to-back earlier, we have two true, unbelievable joke-tellers, Austin comedians. This guy is one of my favorites. I have him open for me on the road, in arenas, theaters, all the time. He's the fucking man. He's been on the show on my channel. He's done minutes on this show. He's done it all. He's coming up with another brand-new minute right now. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite, truly one of my favorite, tough, young, rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great Ahsan Ahmad, everybody. We're at war with the Middle East again, which will do wonders for my act. Because I'll tell you what, the terrorist jokes were getting old. But now, ten more years, baby. Shout out Ayatollah. I did think it was crazy we stopped funding the TSA right before we attacked Iran. I thought that was crazy. Like, I'm just getting into hockey, but I'm pretty sure you don't pull the goalie first period. You let them play some defense, you know? It's a lot long game. Because here's the order of operations with what happened in Iran. One, the government shuts down, then we stop funding the TSA, then we attack them, then it comes out that the guy who bought the World Trade Centers a couple months before the attacks and suspiciously insured them against terrorism just bought another tower in Los Angeles. It's like, call me paranoid, but it is very American to run a remake 20 years later. That is what we do. An L.A. Hollywood remake of 9-11? That might not be that bad, you know what I mean? Like, this time the hijackers are all women. A female 9-11? That could be good, you know what I mean? We could get lucky. They might miss the towers. You know what I mean? It's like, damn, you didn't hit the towers, but you hit the curb? How did you, man, I. Alright, thank you. That's the man himself. What did I tell you? That's my fucking guy. With a minute and a half that I haven't even heard before. That's how impressive he is. Ahsan Ahmad, a guy that's out here every single week. One of the guys that I remember when we were at Vulcan Gas Company, you and Derek Poston were smoking out on that patio, and I told you guys, I'm telling you, I think it's happening here. I think you guys should move here, and you guys fucking listened, and you're working every single week since. I mean, the big leagues. Greatest move of my life is to come here. And you're just fucking crushing it. And that's just, again, that's a minute and a half that I've never heard, and we do shows together every single week, every Tuesday, Wednesday, most Thursdays here in Austin. Yeah, I like to write a lot of stuff about what's going on in the news, so it's pretty new a lot of the time. I'm in L.A., yeah. If a plane did hit L.A., it would make it better. It's fucking brutal right now. It's a bunch of guys who are like Georgie back there, just doing fucking fentanyl and living in the woods. It's disgusting. What I loved especially, Ahsan, is you came out, and you literally, your first words were, we're at war with the Middle East again. You're starting your joke immediately. You're not pandering to the crowd, going, how we doing tonight? What's up? Kill Tony. Good to be back. I lost my tooth, remember? I don't apologize. Like, there's none of that shit. You're into your setup. You're not wasting any time. It makes people extremely engaged and ready. They're like, wow, this guy's going to fucking bring it, and here he is. Yeah, that's the sort of thing when our young comics ask me about doing this. I tell them, like, man, just get into your joke. You have a minute. Nobody cares how the audience is feeling. We know. They're having a good time. Especially an hour and a half into the show. Right. It's just fucking fundamentals, and that works all the time. Unless you're literally going up first, cold opening a show, there is no need to go, how you guys doing? Are you ready for a great night? Anything like that. Just start - That's not your joke. ultimate lesson because it makes people lean forward and listen to what you're saying because they don't want to miss the punchline. Ahsan, what else is going on in life? Nothing much. Just working, doing a podcast. Oh, you know what? Here's something interesting. I had anal for the first time. Whoa! Hell yeah! Did it hurt? Did you poop the bed? What happened? Happy Pride Month! Thank you. What was his name? How do you think I got to open for Tony on the road? Hello! That's right. Open up those cheeks. That's the only way to do it. It was a nice young lady. Yeah. I will say this. You know, there's a better option. Yeah. That's how I felt about it afterwards. I was like, ah, this is fine. So did she ask for it? She's like, fuck me in the ass? Yes, yes. Wow. I've never brought it up before and after I did it, I was like, oh yeah, I don't need to bring it up again. Hell yeah. That's a rare Pokemon right there when they ask. When they ask for it, that's. Yeah. Usually when they ask for it means you got a small dick. I'm not gonna. She asked me before she even saw my dick. Wow. Look at that. Oh, she's a freak. Angle on the first night? Second night, yes. White girl? They could have a giant anus. That is true. A red band wants to know if it was a white girl. It was a white girl. Wow. What? Where'd you meet this broad at? I did shows up in Tacoma. Oh, Tacoma, Washington, where first base is anal. Hell yeah. That's the good old part of the United States of America. They don't want any of this pussy shit. Save the pussy for marriage. Attack that fucking shithole right now. What's up, you little terrorists? Get in my ass. I want you to fly your plane into my fucking tower, too. Oh, my God. I love it. I got a little Tower 7 action. Hell yeah. Little. I don't know what that means, but it works. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love it. So, what's the review? Like, how'd it go? What'd you feel about it? Oh, like, I feel like I told you. This is, like, how I feel about it. I guess the way I had described it to someone was, like, it's, like, kind of like getting the fish filet from McDonald's. Pfft. In the sense that, like, I'm glad I tried one. Yeah. And if that's the only thing they had to eat, then I'd have one. But if there's options, give me that number one, baby. That's what I want. Give me that number one. Okay. I thought you were gonna say because it smells funny, but. That is one of the perks of being brown and Indian is your dick looks the same after anal and the smell remains the same in the room. It's incredible. You know what's funny is that, uh, so Israel created this bomb with, like, bad smells, and it didn't work on Indians because they couldn't smell it. Yeah. It turns out bad smells is our fire alarm beeping. Like, we just, yeah, we just don't know when it's happening or why it's happening. It just happens. And a fun fact, I've worked with a son now for, I mean, really, what has it been, a decade? It's been ten years, at least. Between the store and here, and I've never had you smell once. I've never smelled a smell off of you. Um, my mom, when I was growing up, was really sensitive. She's like, I don't want you to be one of those brown kids that smell. Right. You mean all of them. Whatever it takes. Let me ask you this. This is a crazy question, but we're very close, so I want you to maybe help perhaps what could be considered, I think, maybe one-third of the planet. What advice would you give to other Indians or Bangladeshis or all the things out there if you could give a piece of advice on how you stay smelling great? Red Banner, same question for you right after this. But I noticed that neither one of you have B.O., and you both look like you would smell like the devil himself. But never a whiff. Never a whiff of badness. How do you do it? Man, I just, like, literally shower in deodorant. Isn't that something? Isn't that something, ladies and gentlemen? There's no secret? Can we get this somehow? Can we take this message and spread it all over India? Red Banner, what's your secret? Because you look like you'd stink, too. Sweet and sour sauce from McDonald's. You just put it underneath the armpit before you go out. There you go. Unbelievable. Unbelievable response. Same exact answer. Yeah, just showers and body wash. Yeah, that's not that hard. Amazing stuff. Ahsan, you fucking decimated the whole set, the whole interview, the whole fucking ten years I've known you. I've done nothing but watch you grow. You're a badass on stage and off. You're the fucking man. Don't ever change. The great Ahsan Ahmad. Anything you want to plug or shout out? Yeah, check out my podcast, The Solid Show. We have a Patreon coming out, too, where I'll be doing cool history things on there. And on tour, AhsanComedy.com. You can get tickets. Fuck yeah. That's the man. That's my boy, Ahsan Ahmad. Let's get one last bucket pool up here before we bring out the beast. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pool of the night. Looks like a new name. Make some noise for Rodrigo Marin, everybody. Rodrigo Marin. What's up, you guys? I like going to the park just to walk around, smoke some weed. You know, the two things that Greg Abbott hates. You know, guys, they're pretty cocky about their body count. Right? Like this one guy I know, he was like, my body counts like my credit score, bro. In the 300s. It's like, wow, you can't lease a car and you have herpes. That's. I'm a server at a restaurant and I had a table call me a retard. Yeah, my manager, she went to go talk to the table to fix it. She goes and she's like, hey, we're sorry about that retard. Here's a gift card. Please come back. And I went back to the table, of course, and I was like. Go ahead, finish. I went back to the table and I was like, sorry about that, guys. All right, thank you so much. Rodrigo Marin. Welcome, Rodrigo. You've been on the show once before? Yeah, like about a year ago, yeah. Yep, okay. How long have you been on stand-up in total? About three years almost. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I did two years in San Antonio. Okay, San Antonio, very nice. Is that still where you live or you live here now? I live here now. So I wait tables and then I also train people at a gym. What kind of training do you do? Uh, personal training. Nice. Yeah, like lose weight, you know, fat to skinny. Okay. You're on deep in the show here. We've had a lot of crazy stories and stuff. What do you think's the most interesting fun fact about your life that we would find intriguing about you? Um, I grew up in Chicago until I was like 13. Let me ask it one more time. Anything crazy happen when you were in Chicago that you remember? Yeah, all the time. Um, one time I had my bike stolen. Ah, he's right here. This is Brian Moses. I thought you looked familiar. No, it was in my back. You want me to continue? Sure, yeah. Your bike, your bicycle was. It was stolen. in your backyard and then it wasn't. And it wasn't. But here's the thing. I went to go look for it down the street and when I went, uh, there was a guy and there was a group of kids and one of them had my bike. And I was like, I was like, hey, that's my bike. And he was like, oh, here, here's your bike bag. Wow. What did this group of kids look like? Can you describe, can you describe the group of kids? Let's start with their skin color. Go ahead. Pretend he's a cop and you're very angry. What did these Chicago kids look like? Uh, well, you already guessed one word. One word. Montenegro. No. I'm just kidding around. It was a black kid, though, right? It was different color kids. It was all of them. It was like a pot of. How about the one that had your bicycle? Really beating around the bush here. I don't remember his race. Ah. Wow. I don't. Yeah, no snitching. Hell yeah. You know what's up? He could be watching. Hell yeah. Someone wants to do roast battle tournaments. That's fun. Rodrigo, what's your love life like? You kind of have like a Mexican Pete Davidson energy to you? You out there banging some supermodel or something? It was very original, by the way. No. I'm sure I made the same joke a year ago. No, the joke that every single comedian makes. Yeah, because you kind of look like a Mexican Pete Davidson. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. - That's not, there's just, you're just cursed. I'm cursed. You can't take a shot at the guy making that joke. You look like a Mexican Pete Davidson. It's like calling me gay. It's like, yeah, take your shot. I come across as gay. I'm aware of it. I've been doing this 20 years. I hang out with bigger bullies in the green room than anybody that comes up here, but anyway, go ahead. Love life? I got dumped like a couple months ago, actually. Okay, why do you think the person dumped you? Asanamad's out there getting anal on the person. Meanwhile, you're getting dumped. Like, what goes wrong? What do you think you did to get dumped? What do you think I did? There's Bangladeshi boys just butt-fucking American white girls. And meanwhile, you're out here getting dumped. Why do you think that is? Shit! I mean, he is missing the hair on top of his head. Asanamad, just absolutely Bangladeshi. I mean, it is crazy that he is absolutely nutting inside of pure white, blonde Tacoma, Washington girls' anuses. I mean, just blasting his Bangladeshi fucking. Anyway, go ahead. I don't know if they're laughing. I'm not going to do it again if you guys keep laughing like that. I mean, let me just say, there's a real durka-durka plowing the darka-darka of an American girl. There is just a 7-Eleven girl, going into a 2-2-2. There is a little stinky, going into a little stanky out there in America. I could go on and on. Maybe she likes a little stank. Okay, why'd you get dumped? He's getting the dumper of a chick while you're getting dumped by a chick. Okay, go ahead. Honestly, I think I'm just an asshole, to be honest. What do you think you did that was asshole-ish? Make fun of her. Everything. All the time. Wow. Not like, make fun of her, like, oh, bitch. You know, like. What would you make fun of exactly? Just, you know, like, do the dishes. I don't know, like. Oh, anal again? Wow. Do the dishes? That was your roasting of her? Hey, Matt, keep it simple. Alright, well, I can't even imagine a guy like you owning dishes. I feel like you're more of a paper plate kind of guy, really. You have dishes? I have graded. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Saves money. Alright. Okay. You stole the plates from work? I stole them. Rodrigo, fun times, man. You're out here trying your best. You know what? Here's the last big joke book of the night. I'll just give it to you. There goes Rodrigo Marin, everybody. There you go. You know, I'm in the giving mood right now. How about one more time for us? Rahsaan Ahmad, butt-fucking old American girl. I mean, you just gotta love it. That is the American dream. I see the look. I can tell which white guys have never butt-fucked a Tacoma girl right now. They're just staring at me like, how come he not you doing, not me? Right jokes, you f***ers. Alright, we have made it to that part of the night where we have the absolute executioner of Kill Tony. I mean, truly. I mean, this guy is such a fucking freak. I'm just a fan. I say this now every week. I just get to sit back, and watch, because he is unbelievable. He is the one and only, the real deal. This is Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. Folks! One time when I was a kid, I walked into my parents having sex, because I heard screaming. And I thought, they might be having sex. I gotta check this out, you know? My grandparents, they recently hired a Michael Jackson impersonator for a family party. F***ed my nephew! Very realistic impersonation, you know? And I'll never forget my sister's first period. F***ing bunk beds! Alright, that's gonna be it. Thank you. Exactly one minute from the man you can count on like an abacus. Pat O'Neill. Jesus, dude. Absolutely amazing. That crazy look. That crazy lady threw me off in the beginning. Hey, it happens. It's gonna get probably a little bit crazier every week as people see, you know, as these episodes drop again and again and again. It's incredible what you're doing. We know. We've seen it all here. Thank you, sir. It's amazing. We talking anal sex out here? Yeah, we were. What do you know about that? You know anything about that? Yeah, I had it with a big gal. Ooh. Felt like the kid that got lost in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Augustus Poop. Oh, my God. On my cock. Oh, my God. Pat O'Neill. Jesus. Ooh, God. God. Fuck, man. Holy shit. I mean, you are just such an undeniable part of this show. And what I love is, as I watch you every week, you know, you do your jokes. You know what you look like. You know the faces to make, how to deliver them. They're so on your tone and on brand. Like, if they were written down, they're funny on paper. The way you do them, you take them to a whole nother level. Like, the walking in on your parents having sex. You doing that, and the faces you make, and the way you deliver it, it's just fucking amazing, man. And same thing with the Michael Jackson shit. I mean, Moses. It's just funny, because these are real stories he's telling. It feels real. I know these are real. Comedy is truth. Yeah. Do you remember your first joke? The first joke you ever said on stage? Yeah, I was trying to point out how, like, little person is a much more offensive term than midget, and people in Providence, Rhode Island, were having no part of it. They did not give me a chance. Yeah. That's how it starts. Stop trying to make serious points after that. Yeah. Well, Pat, I mean, you are just a closer of mass proportions. We fucking love you, dude. You're unbelievable. No one puts a little bit on it like you. We're lugging him to MSG in August. Two nights. You'll be in Vegas with us. We're gonna have so much fun. I can't wait for you to do these giant venues. I can't wait to hear the crowd pop for you when you come out. I'm nervous. That's exciting. That's because you're a fucking professional and a perfectionist and you have high expectations for yourself. That's where that nervous thing comes from. How about one more time for the great Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen? How much fun did we have tonight, huh? How about one more time for my good friend Brian Moses, everybody? He's got Roast Battle on YouTube. Go catch up with all the great Roast Battles. He's been running that fucking thing like a champ for about 13 years. You're coming up on your 13-year anniversary, right? This was a great episode because we had so many Roast Battlers on here. Check out the Roast Battle YouTube channel. We have all that stuff on there. We have so much fun. We rip a lot, that kind of a thing. All these comics up here tonight, you are fucking amazing, man. You've done an outstanding job. It's one of the most diverse shows you can ever see. Everybody's outstanding on here. Thank you, brother. Thank you so much. How about one more time for the great Dave Landau, everybody? He's on tour. Check out DaveLandau.com. That's L-A-N-D-A-U.com. Go see this man. One of the great true professional comedians out there. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it, man. It's always great. Every time you come to Austin, pal, you're on. He just closed an amazing weekend here at the Mothership. Truly, two great comedians. One more time for Dave Landau, Brian Moses, the best band in the land, Red Band. Check out The Secret Show every Thursday at the SunsetStripATX.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Have a great night, everybody. We'll see you next time. about mental health. health, but finding support can still feel overwhelming between schedules, cost, and trying to find the right therapist. It's easy to keep putting it off. Red Band? 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