#775 - JOE ROGAN + THAT MEXICAN OT

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, Hats, Mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Let's fucking night of their lives, huh? Yee-ee! We're in RedBan. Why did I do that? Yeah! And there at there is the band band and all the land makes some fucking noise. It's going down here tonight in Austin, Texas. Oh my god. How we feeling? Are we ready for tonight's show or what? It feels good in here. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the awesome sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to get tonight's show started? I think you guys have to do better than that. You guys are ready to start tonight's fucking show. Every single week, I booked this manma jamma as good as I possibly can. Oh my god, am I proud of this week's work. I mean, you know, you never know who you're going to get here. Sometimes it's just a fucking, some of the best comedians. Sometimes it's a funny rock star, sometimes it's a this, it's a that, it just doesn't get any better than this. It doesn't get any more fucking Texas than this. As I present to you two of my favorite Texas residents, one is one of my favorite rappers in the world who happens to be fucking hilarious and an unbelievable live performer. The other one's one of my best friends, one of my favorite comedians in the world. And without a doubt, the undisputed biggest podcaster in the world, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guest, that Mexican O.T. and Joe Rogan. Oh my god, it's Mexican O.T. and Joe, mother fucking Rogan, ladies and gentlemen here. And the comedy mothership, oh my god, ladies and gentlemen, the pride of Texas, that Mexican O.T.'s first time on panel here tonight. Virgil say hi to these beautiful people out here. How we feeling Texas? I feel good, but I have blessings, blessings, baby. We're so thrilled to have you, ladies and gentlemen. It is without a doubt the return of the great Joe Rogan is here. Always happy to be here, Tony. We always have a good old time. We keep our finger on the pulse, watching the next levels of talent or untalent, as we've seen many times on this show, the over 200 human souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. You know, their time is up and you know, the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the anger West Hollywood bearer, which roughly interrupts their sad eye-conducting interview. We find out more about them and what they can talk about about the interesting facts of their lives. We're going to let this trans school shooter pull the first name out of the bucket here tonight. Congratulations to you just to show the authenticity of the show, a normal human future assailant picking the first name. And while we go wrangle that bucket pool, we have a Golden Ticket winner here to give us our first minute of comedy tonight. This is only his second time ever on this show. Everybody fell in love with him when he won his Golden Ticket just a couple months ago. Make some noise. This is the second ever appearance of Golden Ticket winner, Martin Maloy, everybody. Here we go. They say if you're being bitten by a dog just stick your finger up its butt and it will release. But in my case, I think that's why that dog was biting me in the first place. I like to wear sunglasses as the funerals, so when people look at me they think that's the killer. Have you ever seen a really fat guy in a bad mood? You know he's in a bad mood because he's a really fat guy. Have you ever seen a guy who works in McDonald's in a bad mood? You know he's in a bad mood because he's a guy who works in McDonald's. Have you ever seen a really fat guy who works in McDonald's in a good mood? You know he's in a good mood because he's a really fat guy who works in McDonald's. He's in a really fat guy that works in McDonald's. Fifty percent discount ladies. I had some more fat jokes but I ate them. A bidet is just a drinking fountain for your thirsty butt hole. I told this woman I had a big dick. She said I don't like big dicks. I said do you like liars? Martin Malloy, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Absolute fucking joke machine, I mean you are just unstoppable, Martin. We love you here. Step up to that mic. Okay. Yeah, I want to update my diagnosis, as you know I'm schizophrenic, but I'm also bipolar. So after I kill someone I don't know what to laugh or cry. Absolutely perfect. I love it. We love you. We love you, Martin. I want to talk to you about my talk space. Okay, let's talk right into that microphone. I'm, I'm, I'm, I joined talk space and they're going to help me with a, a diving and stopping gambling. My, my family stays a gambling intervention for me. They bet me I wouldn't show up. Martin, what are you gambling on? I can't picture it. It works. Really? One, one, $150,000 in a lottery and a $20 scratch off in Ohio. And I spent a whole $50,000 on lottery tickets. I did buy a car for $500, but that was it. Wow. What an amazing business model. Let's talk about my Instagram. Oh, okay. Hello. Why don't we just take it one step at a time here, Martin. I know you have a list of things you want to get to. Okay. I said you're using talk space to help with dieting as well. What do you, what do you, what do you been, what are you trying to get off of? Pop. You're on pop. Pop. Yeah. Yeah. I drink seven or eight pops a day and I eat, I eat at least a large pot peroni pizza a day. What? I'm, I started dieting like three days ago. I haven't lost anything yet. I don't think. Marty. What kind of medication you on? I'm on Cratapene, which is Cereco, which is really good. I'm on Trasadone, which helps you sleep, and I'm on Vitamin D and some other stuff. Okay. Big drop off from Trasadone to Vitamin D, by the way. There is a world of difference between those two drugs. Whoa. What happens if you get off them? I go crazy. I, uh, my family will send me to the mental hospital, which they did one time. They sent me to the mental hospital because I was asked to be in the Howard Stern Show, uh, because I, because I was schizophrenic of ways in my head to get me when he's stockpicks. And my mom said, you have a heart attack and my boss said I'd be fired. So I canceled my appearance and then my family sent me to the mental hospital, so I wouldn't appear in the show. Damn. Those cock blockers. We'll look at you now. Yeah. How long have you been doing comedy? Since November 2004, but I couldn't do it for six years, because I had a large prostate and I had a P.M.E. Three minutes, and I couldn't work. I couldn't work because they wouldn't give me a catheter. I don't know why they wouldn't give me a catheter, so I could work. I just had to lug her on a bucket of pee all day at work. You are a national treasure. Yes, he is. We need to keep you alive. We need to keep you alive and out of jail, sir. That Mexican O.T., this is that American OCD. Glad you guys get to meet. Can I talk about the frog jump? Sure, yeah. Talk about the famous Cleveland frog jump. It's Valley City, Ohio frog jump, and I have a booth there, July 19th at the frog jump. And I'm trying to go one step further and be the grand marshal. So if you know anyone in Valley City that runs the frog jump, tell them to make me the grand marshal. Oh, damn sure. What are we even talking about? It's a -- Well, Tony asked me last week if I had any hobbies, and I said I did. I did go to the Valley city frog jump and the first time I did it they told me to hold on to the frog tight I held out so it's so tight that I killed it And So I'm selling I'm selling um I'm selling frog stress balls to say don't kill me Marty on them This guy is a marketing machine Unbelievable You you you can get them at very funny comedy.com. Okay Martin so this is uh, this is a competition in which they judge the length in which the frog jumps They jump three feet from there and then they've spread out parachute in the in the thing and uh You jump three clean it at one more time a little bit slower There's a parachute that they spread out and it's circular parachute they put the parachute on the frog and the For ground on the big parachute. Okay, and uh you then you jump three times and they measure the this is from three times Three times three jumps and to the center and that's what how you win I've had the second longest jump one year my my nephew Jimmy is one of the frog jump two years Was you and your family the only people who entered? You see I can be a fucking lot around the block I want to talk about my doctor prescribed me Viagra. Okay, let's go. Let's talk about that We love we're more a blue two people here. We need to scribe it to you. What was his directions? He wanted to use it with a girl. Oh How odd and how uninclusive I Need to lie to him and tell him that it's for me and my girlfriend when really I just use it to masturbate Wow, I love it. See you'll pop a Viagra then what you open up a website. No, I just masturbate You don't you don't use like a magazine or you stare at a corner of the wall and say I'm a bad boy Maybe if you weren't jizzing on your frogs they'd win the competition. Those things are in a sticky situation Are you giving it to the big loads? It's a lot of extra weight. I just think of my love interest Julia Mary and Julie Mary My love for you is stronger than any restraining order. Oh My god, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh Fuck oh My god. Oh my god. Let's go You are amazing martin. Oh red man. I got something for you Tony's got of me. You see you By Legos wristband on yeah, I got one for you, but I have to a special order because it's xx out cuz you're fat Oh, you just got roasted by your future self That is amazing Wow, martin. I got to tell you you are Before I go Can I get a second golden ticket for my other personalities? Buddy, you have whatever you want you keep doing jokes like that and interviews like this. You're unstoppable Okay, my doctor prescribed me a bagra is five pills for only ten dollars. That's just two dollars per Kardashian That's just a joke. I much better taste than that. I love you martin Everybody loves you the Killtony universe loves you. You did it again Congratulations to Martin mulloy ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much Sure say your Instagram My Instagram is Cleveland comedian. Please follow me at Cleveland comedian. Thank you. No doubt follow Martin mulloy Sweet man Guys bipolar and has to together more than most of these bucket pulls. It's incredible And to the bucket we go. This is where we found Martin This is where we found all of our regulars. Everybody has a shot ladies and gentlemen your first bucket pool tonight We're gonna meet them all together goes by the name of Patrick Cassaday everybody. Here we go What's up everybody? Watch out there Give it up for my dad everybody. There's a hello You guys like impressions? I'm gonna do impression for you. I'm gonna set this one up. This one is Kermit the frog He's going over to my grandmother's house. I was sex booter Hi, oh Kermit the frog here. He's called my grandma. All right. I have a better one This is a better one. This one is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's had a gang bang with Kermit the frog at my grandma's house This is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Can I make you be front? I'll be back All right, that was dumb. All right What does a gay? No, what is a straight horse? I'm gonna split up. What is a straight horse say to a gay horse? What's you doing back there I got one more. How can everybody says if I had a timer she'd I would go back in time kill baby Hitler But nobody says I would kidnap him and raise him right. I Don't all right. I'll start time guys. Oh wow Do you need to get on some of Marty's drugs? Yeah I'm prescribing you Trasadone and vitamin D get on that stuff. You think I'm already stealing them. No Wow, what's incredible is we found out during his set that there's one woman over in this area that will laugh at Absolutely fucking anything if you just leave a space like you did a joke There is a random woman over here that will crack the fuck up So keep an eye on that for the rest of the show there's a woman that will laugh at the most unfunny shit ever said I mean the impressions weren't even spot on and they were impressions of the people I mean those are the most impressioned impressions. Yeah. Oh, I'm still working on those. Yeah. You're still working on a lot Hell yeah, I think your odds are better of playing for the actual 49ers then Not wrong. Yeah, Patrick. How long have you been attempting stand up? This will be about 11 months 11 months and how often are you performing? Well, I got a full-time job. So that kind of cut into it. What's the job? Night crew manager at HB. Oh nice. All right. There's a redeeming quality about you without a doubt We love HB here at Kiltoni huge HB fans. Tell us what working the night crew at HB is like. It's not easy for when you're 53 Well, neither is comedy obviously Oh So tell us about what what what goes on there that would surprise people Well, you get to you know you get to rock out your music the whole time. I didn't I were after you're on the ox at HB I'm on the no I don't know what that is. That's like a bluetooth system. Oh, yes Yeah, it has bluetooth. So you literally got to go down the aisle to tell them something because they're It's rocking out. So but night crew is different than Obviously, Daker. What's your home life like Patrick? You seem like the kind of guy that I wasn't an RV for the first 10 months and then it's kind of apartment 41st street by my HB. So nice by yourself. Yeah, it's me and the dog one bedroom one bedroom one bath One bath and what kind of dog is it? It's a white lab. What's the dog's name? Nala. Wow Martin has his finger up his ass right now somewhere 41st street near the HB sniffing it out So Patrick, let's talk about your life. Have you suffered any trauma or anything like that? That might be funnier than kermit and Arnold Schwarzenegger gang banging your mother. Is there something in your real life? Hey, no, I don't know why I got mad at that There's lots of trauma in my life. Yeah, like what? Well, I was on the show in a Oh perfect, uh, great. I'm sure in September 24 and The night the show aired I had a big party and only friends watched with me and it was actually better than this and uh, uh Here we go. Here we go right after we're about to the show here it comes all over the hospital and my mom and dad. Oh shit She must have seen your performance. So just stop. Yeah, I did kill. I did kill. That was one time Wow, that's incredible. So mom died at at yeah, so I went from like the highest high it's like the lowest low and like one second Damn, it was actually a It was tough, but to me about 10-12 months to sell their places and then move out here That's perfect. I've been doing about six to eight open mics a week. Well, there you go So so you're trying don't you have like a do you think you have like a better a better joke than when you said you killed the first time you were on the show? Well, my mom died, so That's what he was saying, but you did well the first time. I got a big joke book I think it was going to interview not so much my material what happened during the interview the wind so well Just told you my story about I think care my dad now he died. Oh, so really I'm a killer twice But yeah, it was just like uh, you know, we watch the show together all the time and ah, that's right. It's coming back to me now Ah, Patrick, so what else is going on man? It has to be something exciting in life There has to be something to bring the morale and the room up a little bit. I'm ready to jump in front of a fucking train. Yeah Yeah, this is probably going to go the wrong way, but I just bought a new gun. Oh a new gun. Oh shit. Wow Jesus Christ. What does it taste like? copper Have you gone to the range or anything with it? I haven't I don't know if you can recommend a good indoor range Yeah, there's a range. It's called the range out of the range. I could probably find it. Amazing So what made you get the gun? Uh, I just it was a good deal from a friend. So So if you want to buy this gun, I was like yeah, how about it? Give you a good deal on it. Good deal. Do you think he is there a reason why it was such a good deal for this guy? Joe numbers filed out. That's kind of weird, but all right. Well Patrick go fill up that big joke book I gave you last time buddy. I turned it into a autograph book for all my favorite comedians. Well, there you go Yeah, got a lot in there already. I love it Patrick has a day everybody keep writing Patrick Do something different next time My god, there she is That always cleanses the room Hi there. I'm always looking for little ways to save time I'll answer emails while I'm waiting for coffee or to the same household stuff on subscription So never have to think about it and if there's a way to avoid an extra air and I'm doing it time is the one thing You never get back everybody's got their own little system right right babe? We all have our own time saving hacks for every day life But if you're a business owner, how can you save time hiring zippercruiter? Zippercruiter has a new feature that quickly lets you see the most interested qualified candidates first So you save time by meeting the right people faster and Right now you can try it for free at zippercruiter.com/killtony Zippercruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly Candidates can even tell you in their own words why they're interested in your job No wonder zippercruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on G2 Save time and meet great candidates sooner with zippercruiter 4 out of 5 employers who post on zippercruiter Get a quality candidate within the first day. So try it for for free at zippercruiter.com/killtony that's zippercruiter.com/killtony meet your match on zippercruiter Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Clarence Clam Clap, everyone Anything can happen here Hey, hey So I moved my mom and with me recently to help her out financially is what I'm telling people and Trying to find something to watch together the other day. So I go to put on towel day good nights And she's like I can't watch anything with Will Farrell in it. He's an asshole in real life So then I go put on a new girl love Zoy Day Chanel. She goes I can't watch anything with her in it She's a bitch in real life, and I go mom you like Kevin Spacey We all remember what he was doing in real life, right? He's got no boys by the bussy My mom told my brother and I if it wasn't for us to she wouldn't move back to Hollywood a long time ago And I said mom you should have and you could have taken us with you. I would have been one of those boys I had a pretty cute now that I could keep it shut when I was younger How ironic it would have been if she had the crush on Mr. Spacey, and I was the one they got the fuck them pull real Kaiser so say on her you could say And I would have been one of his usual suspects. Thank you very much Clarence Clam Clap everybody Wow, you even got the lady that laughs at everything to shut the fuck up. I mean that's that that's incredible Amazing Clarence Clam Clap. How long have you been doing stand up? I've done like 10 mics to kind of like prepare for this because I didn't want to be like one of those douche balls that had nothing prepared Well, you were halfway there not way there. You prepared something And how long have you been attempting to start your own militia? Since I picked up this jacket from a thrift store, I guess hell yeah. All right Clarence. So how old are you? I'm about 36 36 What made you want to start stand up now? Well, I do music normally and I can't find a drummer At least the drummer I'm a bassist and a vocalist and I live out in Las Vegas and either drummers are in 10 projects or They They use to play drums a lot and they don't anymore so they don't have a kid and they have a life or they want to play one type of music Like it is usually death metal and I like you know, life is ebbs and flows. I like to play it all like punk I like hip-hop alternative all that you answered a whole different question So I started comedy because it's easier to do by yourself. I'm sorry. What was that OT? Would you say bro? I said in my eyes listening to Sorry if I all ends your question. I started comedy because it's easier to do by yourself. Oh, God Yes, but you play the bass I play the bass and you've been playing that for how long? Like 13 years. Okay, and you're in a band right now. I'm in a project called Clarence in the Clarence Claps why play all the characters so I gave myself split personality disorder. Wow. I guess all right. Well, okay, yeah Sorry, all right Clarence. Do you make money doing that? Or is that just like more like a passion project? It's a passion right now, man I would love to like do a little tour. I would love to just find a drummer, but How long? What do you do for an actual living? I'm a certified nurse assistant. Really? You're a nurses assistant. Yes, sir So what do people say when you show up next to their hospital bed? No, so I got a it's a very low maintenance client and I work from in-home and I go to his house and I clean his house Help them out with duties throughout the day. Pays the bills and helps support mama You support your mom. Yes, where's your mom at Las Vegas? What's wrong with her? So she's on a she's retired. She's on a fixed income of 1400 a month and in Vegas. That's like rent in a lot of places I mean unless you win a lot of money gambling. Hey Well, I must have done wrong in my past life because I fucking suck at it. Why does she live in Vegas? We both live in Vegas That's where you're from born and raised one race. What made her pick Vegas is the place to raise you? Oh Is that where she was born? No, she was born in California, and then my grandma was a regional showgirl They moved to Vegas so as they she kind of got raised out there and Then she moved back to Santa Monica and then like back to Vegas. So she's been back in Florida Tell us something interesting about your life that makes you different than everybody else Let's see I Like I quit meth by myself. No rehab quit meth. Yes, sir. Perfect. Let's talk about that. Okay. Thank you Here we go Yeah, that's a part of trying to forget. Well, let's go. Let's start here. How did you start on meth? What happens exactly to where you're like fuck I'm out of weed. Let's try mate. Tell us about the first hit. Yeah The first it's incredible. Yeah, yeah, take us through it. How does it start? Are you by yourself or are you with? a friend? What happened? I was with guys that sold me weed in high school and Dressed how was that how are they dressed? How are you dressed? Probably echo unlimited gear and shit John John or whatever got it Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, probably Air Force ones and then you know where highest fuck and they just Busted out the pipe and started twist the attorney. He's like you want to try this and I was young Subdubable and how young how's up 35? Fifteen and you started meth. Yeah, yeah, go Baby, so what happens you hit that sweet sweet rock and then what there's funny I talked made up real it spade up a while and then I walked home. It wasn't too far. Talk us through the first hit. Yeah Describe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, and Use your words. What's it like? It's like It's like the best Fucking god, man, it's ineffable. It's really ineffable and that's why you chase it. It's really ineffable like you are so Like high and you escape all reality and that's what it's really for is to escape reality and I've again That's what I'm trying to do. There's a couple people trying to escape reality right now because It's amazing interview. So how did you get off of math? I did it for 10 years and I always knew I would get off of it because I hung out with people that were older of me And I just like I don't want to be fucking 40 30 even 25 still doing the shit. Yeah, right So I was I got ripped off at Subway one time trying to get them trying to get a bag And I was like that was it. Yeah, I was like this leads me to the same shady people the same shitty situations And I was smoking weed in the subway bathroom looking myself like look this shit doesn't do that to you I can how long have you been off math? So July 14 2014. Oh 2014. All right All right, Clarence clam clap. Well We will be on the lookout for you. Here's a little joke book my friend. There you go. So much guy Clarence clam clap We're gonna keep it moving along here some tough interviews out of this bucket so far. There goes Clarence You guys haven't fun out there? I told you Anything can happen could be the next talent could be an insane human being that's Biggest accomplishment is stopping the mess that they started Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Savvy ladies and gentlemen. Savvy What's going on guys? I bought the sweater specifically for this and this is like my 10th time trying to sign up And so I've just been bringing this every time and I was excited to put it on when they called my name and I just realized This is a girl sweater. I don't do you want to know how I know it's a girl sweater? Where's the where's the rest of it? It's crazy Oh, and I don't like it because I'm getting fat. I don't know if it looked like it, but I'm getting fat So this happened where my friend gave birth and I was a at the hospital and I was taking a picture of the baby, I was taking a video, and I was right here in front of the baby and I didn't want to make any noise because the baby was being so cute doing baby things and I was like, "Oh, this is beautiful." I uploaded it to Instagram and then all of a sudden DM started coming and I was like, "Oh man, they love the baby." And then one of my friends messaged me and his message was, "Bro, why are you breathing so loud?" And I was like, "Oh fuck, I'm breathing like a big guy and this is crazy." I deleted it. I didn't want people seeing it. All of a sudden, it's too late. You sent it to the friend group and my friend was like, "Oh my God, why is it sound like you're going to eat the baby?" It was a while. "Oh, I don't like it. I'm doing fat things." I was eating yogurt the other day and it dripped on my phone and I licked my phone. I didn't want to waste it. Oh no. But yeah, I guess I'll end it at that. My name's Chav, you guys think we're having me. Holy fucking shit. This is incredible. What an anomaly. I mean, you acknowledge that you're wearing a woman's hoodie, but you don't acknowledge that you're wearing a fucking dress. I know. I'm keeping it real with the culture, I'm Filipino, so I'm repping. That's what I'm doing. What does that even mean? We've had many Filipinos on this show. They all wear pants. Yeah, I know. Those fucking quitters. Okay. Yeah. How long have you been in America? I got here two months ago and you're from the Philippines. Well, surprise. I'm Canadian. That's a. I didn't want to throw that too early, but yeah, hey, this is what a Canadian Filipino looks like. Hey, this is just all starting to make sense. Wow. So how long have you been doing stand-up comedy coming up four years? Four years. What part of Canada are you doing this up? It's wrong. Okay. And do you always wear a dress? I'm kind of confused. Oh, yeah. So it's called the Pareo, and they typically wear these on the islands, and with this weather, you guys are going to try it. Do you wear underwear underneath that? I got boxers. So you're basically wearing boxers and a dress. Yes. Freaking bad. You know what I mean? This guy knows what's up. Nope. Cool. Alright. This guy got scared. He's like, "I don't want to catch gay." Yeah. Cool. Oh. Wow. So how often. how often do you wear the women's clothes? Well, men wear this as well, so. Sure they don't. But no, especially if it's hot, I'm always wearing it. So since I've been here in Texas, I've been wearing it. Okay. And a hoodie. This was specific. It was cooler back in April, so I was like, "Oh, I'm going to get called," and it didn't happen until now, but I was like, "I got to commit to the bit." So how often do you sign up for the show? I have signed up every week. Every week since April? I've been here, yeah. Okay. You got here in April. Yes, sir. Do you live here now? I do. Okay. What do you do for work? Just this, really. You do stand-up comedy for work? Yes, sir. You're going to starve. How do you make money doing stand-ups? So I'm an actor as well, and so I've just been riding off the work that I've been doing on that. Since I'm not working. Where can we find your acting work? You can find me on Netflix. You can find me on Amazon. What do I do on Netflix? Netflix is a show called "The 100." I've been on that. There's an Emmy-nominated show called "Made." I've been on that. I had longer hair back then too, so if you watched that, you might see me on that. Okay. So you make money acting? Yes, sir. All right. When's the last time you got an acting gig? Oh, I'd say two years ago. Okay. And you were getting those when you were in Toronto. So I'm also saying so I've been getting work in America as well. That is yeah. That's you. Season seven. This guy's Googling my "I Am To Be Now." Look at this gay guy searching up another gay. Oh, shit. Oh. That look. That look. The look of Good Law making it out of here. Amazing. How will he ever describe to his boys outside how to find the guy? Motherfucker in a dress looking as bitch. I just got to get rid of his glasses and then you won't be able to see. Amazing. So, Zabi, tell us more about your life other than your old acting gigs. What do you do for fun? You seem like an odd bird. I am an odd bird. For fun, I watch a lot of movies. So that's like, oh, come on. You could do better than that. Other than watching. I used to do Moitai, I'm a former champ, so I do boxing, instructing every now and then as well. Okay. Let's see some shadow boxing. Show us some of that Moitai. Okay. Wow. Wow. Looks like a dude in a dress would beat the shit out of me. That's another reason why I'm comfortable wearing this, because guys have been like, "Yo, that's gay. I was like, "Oh, fuck you up. It's cool. It's cool. You think of who? No. No. He'll take me down to the ground, and it'll be a good time for me. That's it. I think he could take you. Freaky man. Freaky man. I just felt that. Someone does it. Do it. Wow. Savi, what's your love life like? So I have a girl back home. Surprise. In Toronto? Yeah. Right now, she's wondering where all of her clothes are. Is she dressed like a man or are you guys one of those wacky Canadian couples? She's great. She's a great tomboy. Yeah. Yeah. She's always on a dude's tracksuit. Shocker. Amazing. That's why I like you. Amazing. What does she do for work? She's a head chef at a Japanese restaurant. Nice. Very cool. Very cool. Thank you. And she cooks good food for you. Amazing food. Yeah. Wow. How do you contribute to the household, Savi? Good sex. What are your tricks in the bedroom? Explain to us what a girl could expect from an inn. Night with Savi. First off, first off, you come in, you unravel your dress. Yeah. You're just a guy and an underwear and a hoodie with glitter all over it. It comes off easy. That's what that is. Ah, but then you have to spray a fire hose that they're dry vaginas. That's what the head game is for, guys. You gotta use the tongue. That's how you'll lube it up. So what's-- Did he just yuck at eating vaginas? No. Isn't that gay? You eating vagina. You're imagining me eating vaginas. Yeah, what the hell? I'm sorry. You put it in my head. Any magical moves? Do you have any big moves in the bedroom? I say I love you. That's all the time? It's my thing. My kink is love. So I know. Wow. This is getting weird. Yeah, we're pulling teeth up here tonight. Savi, what's the best gig you've ever had in all of comedy? The best gig I've had in all of comedy. This one. All right, perfect. This is, yeah, this is amazing. And having you guys here, thanks. Well, congratulations. You got to pull that out of the bucket. There's a medium joke book for you. Savi, ladies and gentlemen. 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How long you been doing stand-up? -Collectively probably about eight years. -Eight years? -Eight years. -We're at El Paso, Austin, Taylor, but mostly around Texas, but I'm trying to get around more. -Where do you live? -Austin right now, about to leave, though. -Where are you leaving for? -Ciattle. -Why Seattle? -I've been in Texas my whole life. I'm pretty fucking over this heat, man. Very tired and sweaty all the time. What made you pick Seattle specifically out of all the northern areas? -Mostly the weather, but also really just, I've always-- Every-- -You're picking Seattle for the weather. -Yeah, dude. -The rainiest, cloudiest city. -Bro, have you ever been to El Paso? I've seen rain like three times in my life. I'm very over it. I want to see some-- -I'm gonna bomb myself and kill themself over there with all that goddamn rain, anything. -What he said? -You need a staying in Texas, man. [ Laughter ] -We're gonna need a translate. -I was, I wish. -It made sound and fun. -I wish I could understand it. -Contact high so I could be on his level. -It made sense to me. I heard the kill-- it'll make you want to kill yourself, part of it. -Thank you, yeah. -I'll say, he-- I'll say, "He's gonna bomb us all." Kill us all over there, all that, right? -I love it. -Can we save that? -I love it. -Can we save that to the audio file? He got bomb and show and kill himself. -I think he means bomb on a show and kill himself. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go. -Yeah, thanks, Joe. I thank you. -Oh, yeah. I love it. -You'll be back, dudes. Seattle sucks. [ Laughter ] -It's terrible. -Really does. What do you do for a living, Nick Thomas? -I work at a brewery. I'm a bartender. -Oh, okay. -Yeah. -Off the glasses, I was gonna guess that you designed nuclear bombs, but. -It's a brewery. -It's a brewery, man. Brewery is a whole different thing. What's that like? Tell us about that. What are things people wouldn't know about working at a brewery, mate? -It's all the fun of a bar, but with irresponsible parents. They're just like, "Oh, they have benches. We can bring our kids there." And they just get drunk and lose their kids. It's awesome. -Yeah, I've seen that. -The one I work at has a disc golf course. -Oh, nice. -And. I don't know where the bodies are buried, man. But they're out there. -Okay. -That's here in Austin? -Yeah. -There's a brewery with a disc golf course. -There's several. -What's it called? -Live Oak. -Okay. -Live Oak Brewing. -Well, I definitely won't ever be there. -Don't. Yeah, don't. You'll run into Birdcrisher. Don't do it. -Okay. Uh, fun. Nick, what's your love life like? -It's going pretty good, actually. I'm getting divorced. -How long were you married for? -Four years. -Together, eight, total. -Okay. -Thanks, bud. -So. -Mm-hmm. -Why are you getting divorced? -Uh, have you ever been married? -Sure. -Yeah. -You know then. -No, you know, for real. We tried the poly thing. And, uh, don't do that. -Yeah, no, don't. Don't do it. -Oh, yeah. -Yes, correct. -You hear the girls? -Eww. -Yes. I wish that was my outward response when she brought it up. I would say, "Eww." I'd like, "No." -So, how soon into the marriage? -Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. [ Grunts ] -She brought it up. -If I'm being honest, we've thought about it. It was supposed to be an open relationship where we're like, "We're just gonna have sex with other people. It'll be fun." And then she caught feelings for another guy. And, uh, nah. -Black guy? -No. -Okay. Well, it's not the worst possible nightmare then. She's Latina. She caught feelings for another Mexican dude. -That's right. That's how it happens. That's what happens. -Stay with your own, I guess. -Was this. -Was this an El Paso? -That was here. -Wow. -Of course, it happened here. -So, how soon after you guys got married, did this come on the table that you guys wanted an open relationship, or was a pre-marriage? -It was about two and a half years into the marriage. -Okay. -Yeah. -And she brought it up, you agreed. How many different girls do you think you hooked up with during that time? -During that time, about five other women. -Okay. When you would just find them at the brewery or wherever. -No. No, dating apps. There's dating apps specifically for, like, poly-open people. -And what did you learn out there while with your wife from hooking up with these other girls? Were you enjoying it? Was it great? Was it disappointing? -As long as someone doesn't catch feelings, it's fine. -Right. -But then you. This is gonna get sad. -There's not that they feel it. -Go ahead. -You feel compared to the other people, and it just doesn't matter. They're like, "No, no, it's fine. That's why I dated other. " "That's why we're dating different people for different things." And you're like, "So, I'm not enough." And it's basically that forever. -So, how did you find out? Did she. Was she very open and honest with you when she caught feelings for the Mexican guy? -Yes. -Really? It was my fault. -Go ahead. -It was your fault. -It was my fault. I should have just at that moment been like, "Hey, I'm not cool with this. I don't want to do this anymore." -But just. -What did you say instead? -Cool. -Oh, boy. Yeah, that's a big mistake. -Don't be a people-pleaser, guys. Don't do that. -Right. -Wait a minute. You think if you didn't do that, it would have worked out? -Oh, no. But that's definitely where it started. -Right, but is it better that it just ends? -Yes. Yeah. -That's why I said, "My love life's going great." -Have you been dating since? -A little bit. Yeah. -How's that been going? -Take us really pretty good. -Take us through what a date, a magical date with Nick Thomas looks like. -Well, we pick a brewery and. Now for real, we pick a brewery. -And then? -We just go off for some drinks. I like chatting with people. I like getting to know people. It is really weird on a lot of the apps they want to start off with. I want Princess Treatment Day 1, and you're like, "I don't know if you're worth that." -Right. -I want to get to know you. I want to talk to you. -What's your big line when you're trying to close after the drinks? You guys are giggling, or you want to come back? My place, listen, the vinyls, meet my wife? -You say you've ever been. -Yes. -I'm like, you've ever been poly before? -Yeah, the same going to work. Now, I don't really. I'm very bad at closing the deal. I'm not going to lie. I'll meet a girl out in public, and I'll try to be like, "You won't come back to my place, and it never seems to work." -Really? Let's get Heidi out here. Let's see how this goes exactly. I want to see what this looks like. Oh, shit. I want to see how bad of a closer you are. -The great Heidi. -It's always so bad. -It's a no-pressure situation. There's Heidi. This is the typical kind of girl I'm sure you match with on your dating apps. -Oh, totally. I'm sure it's just. -Hi, Heidi. How are you? -I'm wonderful. How are you? -I'm doing good. -I really love your glasses. -Thank you very much. -Let's say the date's been going great. Heidi's giggling. Heidi, give him a little flirtatious line so that he could maybe think that he can close with you. Let's see what happens here. -So, is it going to be your place or mine? -Oh, easy setup. -Which is closer. -Well, I have no idea where you live. [ Laughter ] -Let's keep it that way. Let's see your place. Let's. [ Laughter ] -Don't put me in your basement, sir. -That's all right. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I won't do that. -Wow. You're still trying to blow it. It's right there for you. It's all very easy. -Let's go back to your place. Yeah, no, that sounds great. -Um, I don't know if I want you in my room. -It's all right. I'll. [ Laughter ] -Get a motel. -Absolutely perfect. -They understand completely. -Gotcha. -All right, listen. It was great meeting you. I hope you like the brewing and. -It was great, but there's all these kids running around. -They're fucking nightmares. I hate it for real. -I know. I agree. We should try to have kids one day. -No, I'm good. [ Laughter ] -Still down to hook-up love if you are. I'm just saying. -All right. -It seems magical. I think there's something here. If I ever want Heidi to be murdered, I'm going to hook you guys up. This is magical. Heidi. Thank you so much. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. -Thanks, Heidi. Cheers. -And Nick Thomas, you're out here. You're trying your best. Here's a little jokebook. Sign up again. Give us a better minute. Squeeze it all into a minute next time. There goes Nick Thomas. Everybody. There he goes. There he goes. He's on his way. You know, the word "poly" has been mentioned a few times during that set. And if you accidentally say the word "poly" five times on this show, you'll never believe who magically appears. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the most famous, greatest, unbelievably close friends. One of the just the brothers of comedy. Make some noise for the one and only "poly" short, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] You guys out. Thank you. Thank you. I was at a restaurant recently. I asked for a fucking menu. You guys remember menus? And they said, "We don't have a menu. We have a QR code." I said, "I don't want a fucking QR code. I want a fucking menu with pictures on it. I just smoked some weed. Like beef, me, eat fucking beef. I don't want a fucking menu. I don't want a fucking queue. I just jerked off on pornob on the shit. All right. Anyway, it's moving right along. Okay. Speaking of pornob, do you guys watch pornob? Yes. How many people love black.com? That's my favorite section. Have you guys seen black.com? No? Okay. I guess I'm not going to do that fucking joke either. The fuck. All right. Black.com basically. I fuck this whole thing up, bro. Shit. No. Fuck. Fuck it. Turn it off, dude. Can you do this shit? You want me to bring you out again? Yeah. Bring it out one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat for you. You'll never believe who's coming out next. I present a man that was raised in comedy clubs. His babysitters go by the names of Richard Pryor, Sam Kennis and Robin Williams, one of the all-time greats, the son of Mitzi Shore. This is the one and only, all these sure everybody. (audience cheering) - That's what in Hollywood they call fucking take two. Take two. Anyways, I tried to join Scientology recently, guys know Scientology. The sad part was that they wouldn't accept me, how sad is that shit? I think I'm the only celebrity in history that the Scientologists are like, "We're good, thank you." (audience laughing) If you haven't been to the Scientology Center, it's in a place called Silver Lake. Silver Lake is like a hip-stricken mutiny. You guys know hipsters? There's juice bars. You go into juice bars, right? You go into fucking juice bars. The cool part about the juice bars, the guy working there can look at you and tell you what juice he thinks you need. Based on the pigmentation your skin. So I walked in, I walked in last week. I'm like, "What do you think I should get for?" He's like, "Oh, fuck." (audience laughing) He goes, "Brother, you can use the face melt." I'm like, "What's in it?" He's like cayenne pepper, olive oregano, lemon ginger. It'll build up your immune system. You have AIDS, right? (audience laughing) My name's Paulie, not Charlie Sheen, bro. What the fuck, bro? (audience cheering) I just can't, I just can't. I don't know, I was watching news, but I fucked up, sorry, man. It was great, Paulie. We loved it. What was the black.com joke? Everybody wants to know. I can feel the crowd wanting to know. You ask a lot of questions. (audience cheering) Well, black.com is a particular site on Porthod, which just dedicated the black dudes having sex with white girls. I know that's very sensitive, but here in Texas, but we're in fucking Austin, and that fucking shit happens a lot here, in this fucking little, anyways. So what happens is, it's basically the black guy who pulls the stick. No, I don't wanna do this. No, come on, we wanna do it. We need this. We need this, Paulie. What a lame! (audience laughing) Let me see your teeth, bro. That's fat ass. Come on, come on, fuck with me, dude. Joe, okay, best stop. (audience laughing) No, so. (audience laughing) So, bro, okay, so. (audience laughing) I'm gonna stand over here, I'm getting a little scared. No, just kidding. So, you see it, right? You've seen it, have you seen it? No? Yes, yes, you've seen that. Fucking, of course. A Fred van scene, we're. So, basically, if you haven't seen it, the black guy pulls his penis out, and it's fucking wild. It's fucking wild. And I'm not on master bait to it. I'm just like, I'm in shock. It's fucking crazy. It's like, fly. (audience laughing) And the white girl always grabs it. She puts it at the camera, and she's like, oh my god, it's as big as my arm. This poor girl's from Newport Beach, dude. (audience laughing) Her poor father doesn't want to know fucking 18 black guys or fucking quadruple teaming her fucking little child. See, that's why I didn't want to do it. Yeah, and I see, I get it. I get it now. (audience laughing) Polly, sure, what's been going on, man? We miss you, we love you around here. Catch us up. It's good to be here. Thank you guys for having me tonight. Thank you so much. (audience applauding) I like coming here because I get downstairs. There's my mom's bar dedicated to my beautiful mother, Missy Shore. Yeah, it started to come, right? The county's start, and she's watching over you guys, and she loves what you guys are doing. So that's why I like to come. I don't know if she liked your black dot com joke, though. I gotta tie it. It's not good. It did not happen. It didn't happen. I don't like it, Polly. It's not happening. No, I like coming to Austin because Joe's here in the clubs here, and I like everyone, it's like a family community. So I like coming back once and while I'm checking it out, so. Hell yeah. So it's cool, yeah. I like this. We love you, dude. Thank you. I like this new silver fox thing you got. Oh, yes. This is new. That's the thing. It's like I was thinking about maybe going to Walgreens and getting some, what's it called? Hair bat. Hair bat. Oh, yeah, you do it. Did you do that right, Reban? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Some of it, he does. Yeah. I'd like to get the hair dye and maybe, you know, mix it. What do you guys think? No, leave it. No, they like it like that. I could like that. OK, so I'll leave it like this. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. With a what? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Any big projects you're working on or anything like that? Yes, we just did the second short film for the Richard Simmons thing, trying to get that going. Yes. I'm trying to get it going. Everyone's excited, except for you people. But anyways, no, I just shot that. And then that's coming out soon. I have a documentary series that I've been working on for a long time. And that's pretty exciting. What's the documentary about? It's, uh, I can't say. OK. It's been in the works for a long time. It's been going on for about 10 years. OK. Yeah. And it's, uh, it's called Once Upon a Time in Pollywood. Wow. And it's like a 10-part series. And the late-grade Bob Sacket is in it. And also, um, hello, what's going on, bro? Are you cool? All right. And there's some great comedians in it. And great, great-- my sister's in it. My sister, my brother, Scott's in it. So it's cool, yeah. Nice. Well, we'll keep our eyes peeled for it, uh, uh, Polly Shore. We love you so much. I'm going to hand for the great Polly Shore, everybody. [APPLAUSE] We're just going to keep it moving right along. We have one of our great regulars here, everybody. And boy, oh, boy, has it been a very interesting few weeks for this young man? He was just, uh, he just spent 23 days in a Japanese prison, everybody. Very exciting stuff. And we're going to hear all about it right now. As I bring to you a man once known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta, now the Dark Storm of Austin and the last Black Shogun. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Deadrick Flynn, everybody. Here we go. [MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE] Yeah, I'll do it. Can teach you why bitches. They can't hold me down. Guys, I want me to bring down the move. I do want to do a toast while I was locked up. Somebody very near and dear, imported me past the way. So if you got a drink, I'll ask you just hold it up. Here's to a very good friend of mine. Here's cheers to spirit airlines. [LAUGHTER] I miss my dog, man. I thought I was in jail before, but Niggah coming back to those Niggah $30 to go to Florida. Now we got pay full price, because y'all got rid of-- Niggah, I love spirit. All right, and I know a lot of y'all love customer service, but Niggah, I don't want to talk. I don't want to meet everybody on the plane. I'm already hung over a high-- I don't want to say hi to everyone. You can't say hi to Niggas on the spirit. You walk out and they just sit down. Niggah, don't like eyes with me. Niggah does-- people would talk bad about spirit. They'd be like, they always fight in those spirit. Yeah, Niggah ain't no Wi-Fi. We got to watch something like this. This is a good fight, Niggah. And I'm over there taking over the commentary. Like Joe Rogan, you know what I'm saying? Like a UFC event. Y'all, that's my minute. I love y'all rock, man. That's right. Glenn. [APPLAUSE] Well, well, well. Normally, week after week after week, there's really-- we just talk about the last place that you were on the road. I got you right. Now, I wrote some of these jokes while I was in jail. Do y'all want to hear some of these killed Tony Joe? Written in Japan, ladies and gentlemen. It was a 24-hour lockdown. So I ain't had none to do but to be with my thoughts and shit. So I was just doing pushups and write jokes. Can I get a spotlight, please? Hey, Joe. What kind of bird don't fly? Jailbird. Come on. [LAUGHTER] At-- at jail in Japan, they don't use lotion. So it's been 17 days since I used lotion. I'm actually as fuck, and it costs 1,000 yen to get about an lotion. And it takes seven days to get there. Nigga, I'm so white that if I was in jail in the US, they would just let me go. [LAUGHTER] Not because I'm white, because of who my father is. And I call him by his first name, Joe Rogan. I really-- I didn't know he was going to be here. I was in jail. [LAUGHTER] When I got arrested, I looked at the cop, and I was like, you're making the biggest mistake of your lousy career. I'm so white, the people on Reddit finally like my jokes. Did you ask me? I'm so white, they'd have to call me the snow storm of Austin, Texas. I'm so white, Uncle Lazier would just want to smell me. I'm so white, we really doing it, Red Band. [CHEERING] So, Joe, Joe, I read 17 books in jail, because that's all the books they had in English. And one of them was the Bible. And I read the Bible front to back. It is just a whole book about God putting his favorite Niggas and Jail. So I am a main character for Christ. I was like, "I would never go to jail." Yeah, 'cause you too weak. He God knows you kill yourself, but God, the devil was like, "We gonna lock that nigga up in Japan." And God was like, "Dedric, he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he. Jail is tough, but for three summers, I drove with no AC and power steering without, in the South, this was a scientist called Hot Lana, if y'all ever been out there, or as the black locals call it, "Oh, hell no!" [ Laughter ] Oh, this one ain't got none to do with it. It just says granola tastes like outside. [ Laughter ] Or a number two pencil when you ain't studies the uses. Also nuts are just woodberries. That's all of that is. You can have that one. That's gonna be worth something one day. That's for that. [ Cheers and applause ] Nuts, booby, woodberries. [ Laughter ] No doubt about it. What's the food like in Japanese jail? Uh, it's like jail food, but like. I'm so tired of teriyaki anchovies. They would just be like a bowl of rice, like just unseason, and they just put shit on top of the rice. Sometimes, they'll put in one McDonald's chicken, and then that's when you really realize you as a jail. I would never just have one nugget. Like, that's -- [ Laughter ] It just was like, "Where's the rest of the nuggets?" But sometimes they put like a cut, hot dog, just one piece of it, or like a piece. Sometimes, we got taco rice. It was just ground beef, uh-huh. Like, whatever they call beef, it looked like nothing I seen before. And they would just have a couple pieces of lettuce and cheese and we mixed that -- it was -- it was jail. I thought -- I -- No, don't get me wrong. I thought -- y'all thought this nugget and their eatin' sushi and about -- Yeah. Like, them nuggets were just -- Like, when did they throw the shrimp in my -- That's what I thought. I thought -- I thought they was -- That's -- but they don't do that there, dude. They don't -- [ Laughter ] They really put you in jail -- Like, American jail is so much easier, and nicer -- like, the jail stand for Japan. [ Laughter ] And were there other English-speaking people in the Japanese jail? You could know -- uh-uh. The only time I got to talk to English was -- talk -- English for anybody is when I was sleep. Like, if I had a dream, like, that's the only time I got to talk to Niggas in English, that wasn't, like, an interpreter for the police. So they just mad at me in English, and I don't want to have that conversation. So sometimes, like, even if I was having a nightmare, I'd try to stop the Niggas trying to kill me just so I could talk to him. And just -- [ Laughter ] Just -- just -- just to get it going, you're chasing me one night. And I was like, "Hey, Perk, can we just talk for a minute before you -- 'Cause if you kill me, I'm gonna wake up, and I'm going back to jail. He's like, "Hey, that bad." I was like, "I guess in Japan," he's like, "Oh, Niggas, tell me all." And then we just talk about the bad -- [ Laughter and applause ] That's amazing. [ Laughter ] As I wanted to say, thank -- thank you so much, Joe, and Tony, for helping me get a lawyer out there. That was -- that was super sick of y'all and taking care of me. I -- I cry reading that letter, I -- [ Cheers and applause ] That was real -- Yeah, guys, the biggest -- the biggest -- Yeah. -- the racist assholes over here to take care of me when I was in Japan and the jazz industry. So take that and read it again. I thought, "Fuck it, hate, read it." These pussy-ass fat niggas. They look like pelicans on keyboard. Y'all need your skin drive, bro. You got to get -- you got to get lotion. You can't even -- and that's why women's hair cover products have better than men's hair -- Okay, I'm sorry I'm done doing that. No, it's perfect. You're nailing it. Uh, Dedrick, we're so happy that you're back and safe. I love y'all. Thank y'all so much, Joe. Thank you, hope you -- [ Cheers and applause ] Dedrick flinted back from a Japanese jail. Could have been there for years, but instead 23 days. Ladies and gentlemen, we're back to the Bucket We Go. Make some noise to your next bucket poll. It's Julie Amari, everybody. Julie Amari. [ Cheers and applause ] Hello. Yes, it is the Julie Amari, that is Marty's next victim. Um, I'm really happy to be here a little bit about me. I grew up in a super-strict Christian household, and when I was 21, I took an ancestor to the mystery.contest and got diagnosed as Italian in Jewish, which was confusing. Um, another fun fact about me is I have something called Dwayne syndrome. Am I right? I. It's not quite a lazy eye, but it is noticeable if I don't control it. And I've been teased for it my whole life. People called me alienized, freak girl, moose pussy. You name it. [ Laughter ] But I realize if I make a joke, we can all laugh together, so I'll show you what I'm talking about. So, like, this is the normal side. Thank you. If I don't position myself correctly, instead of that, people will see this. It's, yeah, it's worse if you don't react. [ Laughter ] Some guys are too into it. They're like, "Oh, my God, it's cute. I like my girl's little disabled." [ Laughter ] I will say, though, I have, like, no peripheral vision on the right, so I am the perfect girl to cheat on, because I can't see what you're doing on the side. [ Cheers and applause ] Anyway, I'm Julie Amari. Welcome. [ Cheers and applause ] So, we have heard of you from Martin Malloy. He's made you famous before you were even ever on the shows. This is your first time on, right? Yeah, it is. Uh, you live in Cleveland? Yes, I do. Your whole life. Uh, yeah. Nice. Yeah, very exciting. How long have you been on stand-up? About six years. Awesome. All of it there, right? And basically, hilarities and. Yeah, I work on something called "The Funny Bus," which is, like, a B-Y-O-B history tour of Cleveland, so it's, like, if your history teacher was drunk. Um, so that's where I do a lot of my stand-up, which is a good time. Are you driving the bus? No. Right? Not with an eye like that. No. It's a hard-right turn we're taking. [ Laughter ] Uh, tell us more about Dwayne Syndrome. Is that from, since you were a kid? Yeah, so I think it's because my mom did, like, drugs, probably. But, uh, like, the muscles in one of my eyes, like, didn't fully develop. So I just, like, it, like I said, it's not quite a lazy eye. It's, like, an unmotivated eye. I don't know. Well, there's D-Manus. He has the laziest eyes you've ever heard of in your life. They've never worked. [ Cheers and applause ] A white girl up here with a lazy ID madness. Can you believe that? Look, he's just laughing. Lazy-eyed. That ain't shit. Six years. How do you make a living, Julia Mary? Um, well, "The Funny Bus," and I sell World War II action tickets. Two action figures on eBay. Whoa, now I'm interested. What type of action figures are we talking about? Right. The good guys are bad guys are both. Depends on who you're asking. Um, all good guys, all good guys. I got the job because my old track coaches has been collected all the toys, but then he, like, killed himself. And so now I have this job. Hold on a second. Your husband killed himself? No, not yet. My old track coach is husband. Old track coach is husband. And you inherited the World War II action figures. Yes, I did. Here we are. How did you end up inheriting all of them? She knew I needed a job and knew that I didn't have a car, so I could work at home. And, yeah, it's really -- I've learned a lot of history. I learned who Dwayne Duke was. Who that's not the right person. Who was that? I'm thinking of the guy that founded the KKK, but I think that's the wrong name. Which is good, because why would I know that? David Duke. They knew it. He was one of the action figures. Wow. How did he end up being a World War II action figure? Well, they're not just all World War II, I guess. Hold up. When you say good guys, what do you mean? [ Laughter ] There's soldiers from all around the country at different eras at the time. There's a lot of German soldiers, a lot of -- I don't -- yeah, a lot of stuff, but not, like, super. You sell a Nazi memorabilia? And I'm Jewish. Wow. I'm like Hitler's horse nightmare. That's really Jewish. Yeah. [ Laughter ] That is very Jewish to be making money selling action figures of the bad guys. This is really interesting. It's great that the track coach's husband had all of these. Yeah, and he had, like, some kind of sickness. So he was like, "I'm going to buy all these." So you can -- when I retire -- or when I die, you can retire on them, but I guess he just -- You can retire on racist action figures. Surprisingly, she didn't want to sell them. Is there a website? It's on eBay. This isn't exactly when I came here to plug. But hey, it's called collector's corner on eBay. Collector's Corner. And what would I look for? The eight-off action figure. [ Laughter ] I don't think I have any -- sure, yeah. Wow. I'm glad I came on Killtony to promote my World War II business. Well, we find out the most interesting things about everybody. And this is definitely something that we've never had on the show before. Is someone who inherited a bunch of bad guy action figures kind of unheard of? There's a few collector's corners. Is there a specific one that is yours? It's got like a -- Collector's Corner. corner is an exactly the most uh it's got like a book is a little icon this is the I should have thought of this before I guess um but no it's called like collectors corner it's okay so there's collectors corner which is like a page on eBay yeah right so what's your Nazi stuff you're gonna have to search it actually I don't have any of those listed but if you get me a PO box I'll send you one I'll autograph it so how do people contact you if they want to buy Nazi shit they can kind of figure out by the other stuff we have and they kind of like hey do you have any Nazi stuff and I say yeah and then I send it in the mail and god smiles so what stuff do you have that we could find just a reminder this is a Cleveland comedian not an Austin comedian where you think that the internet says that we all sell Nazi memorabilia online this seems to be it I think red band found it do you have a vintage fireman's steel helmet from the Russian war the German war no but this is um it's okay you're the one that sells racist action figures I mean don't be shocked that we're interested I'll send you guys a link hell yeah you look like a water burger right now by the way with that wow red band only sees fat food bags it is actually an incredible analysis you do look like someone shoved you in a water burger bag earlier that is iconic here you wouldn't you wouldn't it's like the uh is this you this stuff right here yeah oh my goodness there it is sometimes I try to like put my hand in it so the guys are like well it's a hot girl selling this maybe yeah those are uh those are action figures all right have you ever gotten a crazy request from one of the buyers anything ever odd happening there um no just very very specific requests for like very specific soldiers that were Nazis I guess I've asked for like people have asked me to send me all the eight the eight-off Hitler's I have but you know I just tell myself it's history but then I remember I'm Jewish and I'm like this is funny so it's okay it is and I charge a lot so it works out and you have a husband I have a boyfriend but his name's Kyle so like you know what does that mean he's got what's coming to him and I'm just kidding um but he does have a house so I'm playing the long game for me and Marty nice which I do want to say when we got here Marty and for me he said just so you know I've moved on I like someone else he's like I have to lose weight before I bag her though so don't let him trick you Marty Fox I believe it no we think Marty Fox we totally think Marty Fox we're on to it uh what does Kyle do for a living he works in a chocolate factory wow this is incredible this is the most misfit fucked up night I've ever been apart yeah the chocolate factory them in these soldiers are incredible Joe just keeps showing me Nazi soldiers and they're like good action figures they're like kendo's kind of solid yeah you can pretend does Marty know that your boyfriend works at a chocolate factory and if so is that who Marty's losing weight for that's a really good question I don't think Marty wants to know much about my boyfriend he doesn't ask right so this chocolate factory what exactly is he doing they make I'm literally like Charlie and the chocolate factory well I think you're more like want to be umbalumbas but it seems like he's Charlie in the chocolate factory do you get free chocolate yes I do yeah I can't love candy bars I thought he was lying I mean yes so I saw more two action figures and he works at a chocolate factory you know Cleveland stuff yeah you really sent the autistic Avengers from Cleveland tonight what do you mean Marty it is incredible what do you like buy the Nazi shit right from your page 170 bucks for a brand new absolute yeah 179 99 actually oh my god I mean that is a black leather jacket that guy's wearing you spend your years writing jokes that moment like this and the whole time I could have just been showing them my action figures I mean yeah it is very interesting so Dwayne syndrome does that gen oh my god okay that's crazy the fuck bro he's got the iron cross or whatever that is I mean that is a straight-up actual that's just as Nazi as it gets my god that is incredible this is crazy that you have these in your house I have yeah I have a lot it's yeah I can't believe this is happening right now Julia what's another fun fact about your life before we get y'all to hear something wild that you think is only an exorcism done on me when I was 18 tell us about that let's go let's go super super culty Christian church and all the elders got in a circle and put vegetable oil on my forehead because I gave my boyfriend a hand job in church oh my god but I had to give it a hand job sense so I guess it worked yeah wow so you gave your boyfriend a hand job in church how did the other churchgoers find out about this hold them oh you got a hand job but not an exorcism wow and so they made you get an exorcism because they thought there was a demon inside of you that likes giving hand jobs yes yeah I've been at therapy I'm fine how do the exorcism go what they do they just prayed over me a lot and then yeah I wasn't really that exciting I should have like projectile vomited or done something cool but I was more just like traumatized but yeah it was a good time and they used oil yes did you use oil during the hand job is it a dry hand job no it was honestly a dry one wow and you finished them off to completion during church I was we were in the we were in the nursery in church whoa whoa this show is so fucked up there we're kids in there I swear wow oh my god this is all starting to make sense now I'm just as good fears as you guys are okay wow well you know what Julia since you're out there giving hand jobs in church you're the first person bucket out of the bucket leaving here with a big joke but congratulations oh there she goes I thought I sent you off there she goes Julia Mary every yeah that's it you did good Julia Mary everybody buy some Nazi action figures from her eBay they are incredible I'm actually surprised eBay allows that that's yeah this is full on Nazis oh look at this there's one former Nazi trying to sneak out of here right now he's like I'm gonna get out of here before they find my action figure look at this fucking guy holy shit I see if the cross on his neck and everything oh my god this is not all right well as you've seen anything can happen out of this bucket we're gonna go back to it again make some noise for Ivan Volkov everybody Ivan Volkov a lot of Americans don't like Maga because truth is deep inside they cannot stand Magaurs they get it they can be loud annoying when there's a lot of them together it kind of looks like they're up to no good and you know at least one of them has gone and it is not all of them but you know it is all the time them these magas act like the whole system is against them before election one of them porch flaggers invite me to Trump rally and I was like Magar please I don't even go to you people's side of town I still remember when they betray Elon they told that Magar to go back to Africa and he was one of the good ones like normal person I drop him bomb when Tesla cut me off but it is okay some of my best friends are Magaurs recently I found out I'm one half myself you know how I know these how how I'm curious how do you know this I don't like Nieger you don't like what Nieger it needs black person oh okay I was hoping that wasn't what you were saying and here we are I love them you love them oh okay got it very good okay Ivan Volkov this is a night of amazing bucket polls this is all very interesting I have been how long have you been doing stand-up this is a second time in 10 years second time in 10 years and you're from Russia yeah from Mexico oh okay perfect this is Mexican exit -What the fuck is going on? Rogan, did you put mushrooms in my coffee before this? It's just a real episode of this show. This fucking bucket's out of control tonight. That's a Mexican accent. -Yes, sir. -You're not Russian at all. You never went there. This is just like a character you do. -My father, he come after disguised as a collapse of Soviet Union. He come to Mexico, meet mother. And you know, you have me. -That's true. -Yes. -Wow. -So, your dad's Russian and your mother's Mexican? -Mum, they're both Mexican, no. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] -We don't talk about dad's citizenship. -Okay. -You have a girl? Is that what I'm saying? You got something in those teeth? -Yes. -Look at that. This is the Russian OT we have up here. [ Laughter ] -Okay, absolutely incredible. Look at that. -This is very nice. -This is very nice. He's a very successful rapper. He's actually Mexican. -Yes. Me too. -Yeah, totally. Were you born in Mexico? -No, it was born in New Mexico. San Antonio. -San Antonio. -Very good. What do you do for work, Ivan Volca? -I do electrical work. -You do what? -Electorical. -Electorical. -Okay. -How many World War II action figures do you own? [ Laughter ] -About three. -About three. -Yes. -What do you do for fun? You have gangster energies. You have big pinky ring, big bracelet, the grill. I'm trying to figure out. What do you got going on? -You got a lot of different things I like to get into. You know, I like to play cards. You know, smoky-garb. You know, take care of garbage. Like you take the garbage out. -Yes. -Right. Wow. You have a girlfriend, wife, what do you got? -I have wife. She also comedian. Last year, she got really sick. And not do, like, how you say, cooking cleaning for three days? Uh-oh. It was hilarious. It was very good. -The what was very good? -It was her joke. She'd not make a dinner and wash clothes. -Right. So, she played prank on me. -She played a prank on you. -I like this, yes. -Okay. What happens when your wife doesn't cook or do laundry for three days? -She gets right back on top of doing that. -Do you have kids? -No, no kids. -Why do you not have kids? -The winters are very. I don't know. I don't know. -The winters are very hard in Mexico. -I can't figure out what the fuck's going on here. I can't. This makes no sense. Is that your real accent? -Yes. -You really sound like that all the time? -I speak like this, yes. Mexican was my first language. -Right. -This is true. I speak Spanish perfectly. -What did he say? He's got it. Oh, the band agrees. Ask him a question in Spanish. See if he answers. -I'm from Mexico. -Oh, well, I got that one. -Wow, he's good. Wow, this is incredible. I mean, if Trump met you, he would deport you so fast. It would be crazy for so many reasons. -I don't trust anything about him. -I was very interesting to me. -Tell me about it. -Yeah. -The street is, and I think, you know, they homeless problem, big issue, right? There is simple solution. I cannot wait to hear that. -You start advertising company. Homeless people, very easy to see. You pretend you don't see them. That's how much you see them so much, right? So, what you do is you see homeless men in wheelchair. You create advertisement for him. He holds advertisement and gets paid. I know why I skip Lake Day. Why don't you? Join Gold's Gym, you know? -Yes. -They could be used as human billboards. -Yes. -Yes. -You know, is your car dirtier than me go to carwash? -This is brilliant, actually. -Profit, come in, you know. You say you're helping homeless, right? And then you give them back rehabilitation. American rehabilitation. -Soviet style, no, no, no, no. -What do you do for a living? You have a brilliant, brilliant marketing mind. -I do electrical, but. -How do you really make your money? -I've always dreamed, you know, Tony. I've come into America and making it big in advertisement for homeless people. -I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like this before. -I've been both tough. You are one of the wackiest Mexicans I've ever met in my entire life. -Thank you. -Was it crazy being raised in Mexico with such a thick Russian-American accent? -I think I learned English from only movie available for me in Mexican video store. -What was that? -It was Seanet in Connolly, Iran for red October. -Oh, yes. -Russian horror film. Very bad. -He turned himself in, no, no, no, no, it's very scary for me, no. -Wow. -My father don't look like. -What's another fun fact about Ivan Volkov that we'd be surprised to know about you? You have any silly weird hobbies or any weird quirks about you or anything? Any weird habits? -I do put a good. Patrick Warburton impression. -Patrick Warburton, the guy that played Julia Louis Dreyfus's boyfriend in Seinfeld. Is that the right guy? Right? That is the most random-ass impression. But let's hear it. Let's hear your Patrick Warburton. -Yeah, that's right. -Oh, my God. -Wow. You are so fun. I like your style, Ivan Volkov. I got a big joke book for you. You got to come back, sign up again sometime. -The Russian Mexican American Super Hybrid. Ivan Volkov, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. The guy's book's banished. The band said he checks out as a Mexican. I don't understand it anymore. I don't even know what the fuck is going on tonight. This is what the show is. It's crazy. Anything can happen. Make some noise to your next fucking poll, ladies and gentlemen. It's Jake Baker. -I hate autistic people. I mean, I love autistic people, but they're assholes. I have an autistic brother, and I love my autistic brother. But I went home a couple of weeks ago, and for context, my brother is six foot five, 280 pounds. Big dude. I go home to visit him. I walk through the door. I go, "Hey, Zach, what's up?" And he punches me in the face. I try to throw a punch back at him, and he catches, like, fucking Neo. He's like, whew. And he pins it behind my back, sweeps my leg, and slams me to the ground, and about five seconds. I'm screaming. I'm crying. Where the fuck did you learn that? He just responds with Ninja Turtles. And he leans into my ear, one ear by ear. He's like, season three. Episode two. Minute 15. Splinter teaches a lesson. That was a title episode. I hate autistic people. Oh, there we go. Oh, in there. -All right. -Yeah. Jake Baker. Welcome, Jake. Six years. Six years. Where are you at? Lubbock and Austin. Okay. It's Lubbock where you were born and raised. Yes, yes it was. Okay, what do you do for work? I am currently unemployed. I got laid off because of AI. Oh, wow. Yeah. How long do you get laid off? January 30th. Okay. How much money do you have? Right now, $43. $43. And when is rent due? The first, so like a weekish. So what is your plan exactly? I am getting tested for sperm tomorrow. Oh, nice. How much does that pay? They're giving a bonus for the screening process, $1,500. Hey, that's pretty good. That's if my sperm is good. Do you think it's good? Well, my grandfather had 14 kids. My dad has four kids, so I think I have zero kids, but maybe. Yeah, you have a chance. And maybe. What is your rent? What is your monthly rent? $1,600. $1,600. $1,600. So, wow, you're just about $60 short and that is if the sperm is fully operational. Is this your first time selling your sperm? Yes, but I don't think I'm going to donate, just do the, uh, check the sperm part, because that's where you get the bonus. You don't have to keep donating. Just get tested. If your sperm is good, they give you the bonus. I don't really get it, but okay. I don't, either it's just what the website told me and I'm really banking on the $1,500. It's extra money, though, if you do it, you know, the sperm part of it, right? You're not donating sperm, are you? If there's no way you're. I used to. I used to scoop it in a container. Yeah. Okay. Red ban, everybody. Yeah, that's the great contributor red ban. Okay, so, Jake, what do you, uh, what do you do for fun and stuff? Like, tell us about your actual life? I like to swim, Ella, roller skate, paint figurines, uh, something like that. What kind of figurines, are you paying? Warhammer 40k. That's what I do. What's that? It's kind of a post-apocalyptic universe where AI took over and the humanity killed all the AI, so that humans took over the galaxy. It's a lot of a space racism. Oh, wow. That's the franchise. Space racism. Okay, where do you do this swimming at? Mainly my apartment, Barton Springs, whatever. Your apartment. Yeah, you have a pool in your apartment. Yeah, that is still have, currently. I still have the apartment. Yep. Yep. Hopefully those sperm can swim as good as you can. Yeah, so you won't have the apartment anymore. What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend? I do have a girlfriend. Where'd you meet her at? Bumble. What was the first date? We made out and we watched a horror movie in my apartment. What was the horror movie? Uh, Hunt for Red October. No, it was evil dead too. Wow, that's an interesting movie to show a girl on a first date. Yeah, she said not to show horror movies and I just forgot it and we just made out. That was a great first date. It's been about three years. Amazing. Yeah, what does she do? She works for the student at a broad office at a university. Does she live with her? No, we live one for a part. Wow. Yeah, she above you? She's below me. Amazing. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Why do you guys live so close but not together? We both have parents who would murder us if we like moved in together before we get married. That's the type of thing. Oh, yeah, they believe in. I believe in Jesus, but they believe in more Jesus. That's how it goes. 2G. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, more Jesus. Super Jesus. Yeah, super. Like Texas, that makes sense. What job did AI replace that you had? Well, technically, it was another area in my department, but I guess legally, if it's just get rid of a broad spectrum of people, not to get sued or whatever. That was a project coordinator. I did like installation projects for IT/AB projects, like network racks, cabling, things like that. That was the coordinator for all that. And how did they let you know that you're getting fired? They put a random meeting calendar at 8 a.m. and then said, "Hey, it's not based on performance, but you're gotten, you're fired." They told you at 8 a.m.? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it sucked. And they sent you off immediately? Pretty much, and it sucks. They just got a new apartment, which was more rent. So that really sucked. I was really counting on the money part to keep going. I was pretty good at my job. Yeah. So what's your plan now? The sperm thing? Yeah. I got our interview tomorrow to be like a VR robot technician, like where I control a robot. That's cool. Yeah. Apparently it's for like the send the robot out to like do emergency stuff, like if there's houses on fire, whatever, they send the robot in. Oh, wow. So I guess I'm going to control it for training purposes? Okay. Doing that. And then I have like just a shit ton of interviews lined up. Hopefully I get one of those. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Jake. Do you really hate autistic people? No, I love them. I've just been around in my whole life, like my brother and other special needs people. But they are profoundly. They're huge assholes, profoundly. All of them. They're very mean people. And they're never like aware of their own annoyances because they're all annoying. But they all, they're always annoyed at each other. Like I'm not like one kid. He had the thing where he would like constantly shout like tits and fuck. He would just shout it all the time. Yeah. And another person in red band. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. And my brother hates this guy. And they would constantly just walk away from each other. Like, yeah, but Zach, you constantly just flick your finger and flip people off all the time. That's what my brother does. He just does this all the time with his finger. And he's always like, why are people always mad at me? Like maybe you stop flipping them off and punching them in the face. I think that would help. Got it. I think that would help a lot. But my girlfriend's also black. I know you like that stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, that is. That is very interesting. That leads to a whole other line of questioning. Yeah. That really sets me up for success here. I do like that stuff, which is stuff that is different than normal. Yes. I was picturing a white girlfriend this entire time, a boring Christian white girlfriend. It kind of loved me. It's kind of weird. That makes sense. Why do you think that is? I think I have like this appearance that they could like beat me in a fight. Yeah, that was saying. Wow. See, you showed a black girl evil dead too. Not the best thing I would say, but it worked. It worked. Have you been with other black women before? Yeah, all my life. Wow. See, you prefer black women over white women. No, I like all women, but just black women just come up to me and they're like, "Hey, I like you." And they're like, "Oh, okay. Amazing." And I take their number. What have you noticed? Is the difference between black women and white women in the bedroom? Bedroom? Mm-hmm. It's hard to my mom who believes in bigger Jesus, but. I think they're just nicer. I think white women of data just mean. They're very mean. Yeah. And they like gross stuff. Like what? Like just like, derogatory things. Like, they wouldn't be like, "Be mean to them." Right. I don't really like that. No. You like being nice? I like, nice. I like horrifying them with a horror movie and then we touch the boobs. That type of thing. Not exactly the answer I was looking for, but. That's the answer. That is a true answer. Yeah. I will say, I've been trying to get back on the show for four to half years. You've been on the show a long time ago. A long time ago. I've signed up every week since for a four and a half years. Wow. Yeah. Thank you. That's incredible. I think I have the record sign up, like 215 times, something like that, and not getting on. That might be. That could easily be. That is another interesting fun fact. You're getting, uh, giving great interview facts deep into this interview. I have a lot of, I've had 10 concussions. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's a lot of block women you've been with. Yeah. How'd you get 10 concussions? Mainly being a dumbass. You think like sports and shit, but no, I'm never once, like, the garage door is opening. And I was, I was, I was, I just got dumped at the time. It was high school. And I got out of the car. I was running to the garage. So I just got Grant that photo five. You were very excited. I wanted to kill some people that type of thing. Yeah. Hey, it was the garage door open so I run at it. And I forget to duck my head and it just pancakes me. And I wake up maybe an hour later. I'm like, blood in my ears or whatever. Wow. And I'm like, ah, I just got to play Grant that photo. I didn't even think about my head. I just went and put Grant that photo for five hours. Mom came home like, where's all, why is all this blood here? Yeah. And I didn't have anything to tell her. Amazing. Yeah. Are you sure you've signed up every week for four and a half years? Yeah. Well, Jake, keep doing it. Here's a medium-sized joke book. We'll get you back up here again. Maybe another four and a half years is signing up. And you'll be up here in no time. Thank you, Jake. The bucket has a mind of its own. This looks like an interesting name. Makes some noise for Boone Blocker, everybody. Boone Blocker. Here we go. It's a Boone Blocker, everybody. Hell, yeah. Normally I have to follow some ugly male comedian to the stage, but I had to get to follow Heidi this time. So that was pretty cool. Should have fucked that up. Now, with this golf shirt from the waist up, I looked like I was driving the Tiger Woods. From the waist down, it looks like I was driving the Tiger Woods. Hell, yeah, there we go. Now, people see me, they ask me a lot of stupid questions. One girl was like, "Are you sure you don't have sleep paralysis?" I was like, "You dirty bitch, I have paralysis paralysis." No, I do like to use the dating app for people who can't walk well. It's called Stumble. Just me and Governor Abbott on there. No, I don't support Governor Abbott. I just voted for him five or six times and I know. I hooked up with the real girl and she put her finger in my ass. I didn't even know until she told me later. That ass. [ Cheers and applause ] -Fuck yeah, Boon Blocker. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on "Correct." -First time. Long time sign her up for her first time. Be in here, Tony. That's for you. -I love it. How long have you been signing up for? -Oh, sporadically. Like, over four years, like, over 50 times. I saw -- For how long I saw live was with Mr. Rogan here and Jetsky Johnson over at the Vulcan. -Nice. -And signing up a lot since then. -Welcome, welcome. How long you been on "Stand Up"? -Well, not the stand-up part, but I've been -- [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Bell rings ] -I've been doing comedy a little over three years now, Tony. -Three years. So all of it here in Austin. -Yeah, for sure. It's a lot of fun. -What happened to you? What do I in the chair? -A car accident. -Okay. -Yeah. -How long ago was that? -No, it was actually a game of musical chairs. And I won forever. No. -How long ago was the car accident? -When I was 24. -24. Was that your fault? -Yeah, it was my fault. -What happened? -I fell asleep when I was driving home and -- -Have you been drinking or anything? -Yeah, but thankfully, my out-call -- blood alcohol level was below the legal limit, you know? So I didn't -- him strung up by the police, you know? -Yeah, I love it. -So, boom. So you got into the accident at 24, how long are you now? -48. -48? -Yeah. -Okay. And what do you like -- what do you do? What are your days consist of? Well, red band. Red band. Come on, red band. -Here's the thing. Normally, when you hear that sound, it's getting another one of my kind and one of those vehicles, but not me, red band, not me. All right, another song in a mess. -You're good, Boone. -Stick with the question here. -Oh, fun. Like to go to football games, Texas football games. -Nice. -Yeah. Yeah, I got a last time I went to a game last year. I mean, I -- this was like a real girl, you know, like a walker. And so, like, I was getting -- I said it. I used to be one of you, so I know it. Now, I was getting set up with this girl, and it turns out that her husband was actually the one that cheated on her and broke up the marriage. He was also in a wheelchair. And I just started laughing hysterically, and, you know, equality, so God damn it, started so well. And not -- no, yeah, go to football games, watch my nephew a lot. A lot of comedy, sign up a lot, try to get up as much as I can. -That's fun. -Yeah. Boone, you have a girlfriend? -I do not. -What are dates like with you? What can people expect? -My favorite thing to -- Redban. -Begave yourself. -Sorry, Boone. -Go right ahead. -Redban, you keep mocking me like that. You'll be using one of those vehicles as soon, soon, soon, Redban. I -- what's a date like me? My favorite thing to do is I match with the girl on a bumble, and then I only send her pictures from the waist up. -Oh, hell, yeah. -And then show up in my chair to see how charming I can be before she throws me out of the establishment. No, it's a lot of fun. I don't really do that. Sorry. But it is fun to think about. [ Laughter ] -Boone, what's the worst set you've ever had? What did that feel like? -Oh, these should have felt like -- it felt worse than when I got paralyzed. [ Laughter ] I'm so bad. -Do you -- do you remember where it was? -Absolutely. -I can tell you what date it was. No, I was at the creek in the cave. And, um, yeah, so they got -- they have a steep ramp, and so to get up the ramp, I have to, like, pop a wheelie to get started, you know? And the guy was like, "I'm right behind you." He wasn't behind me. I didn't fall or anything, but then I'd get up. The host got my name wrong. I went off on that tangent. And then, uh, I totally forgot the walk-up song. I had the sound guy play "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West. -Damn. -But it was -- it was going so bad that I totally forgot the song, and it went downhill from there, Tony. -And downhill is not good for a guy like you. [ Laughter ] -Tony, downhill is the best thing for me. It's a fucking uphill. -That is true. -That is true. -So, I feel stuff that gets me. -Boon, I like your style. I'm giving you a big joke, but, Boon, it's coming out, yeah. -I appreciate it. -Here you go. I'm gonna land it right on there. Bing-bong. Oh, shit. [ Laughter ] -Hit me in the legs, didn't feel a thing. -Perfect. -Perfect. [ Cheers and applause ] -How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Believe it or not, she's going to lift him down those stairs. Let's right behind there. Very strong. Let's get one more bucket pull-up here, everybody. Your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of one word name, a poncho, everyone. It's poncho. [ Cheers and applause ] What up, Austin? How are we doing tonight? [ Cheers and applause ] Nice, nice. 28-years-old, and it's the year of me getting to know myself sexually. All right? 20-years-old, a couple of nights, prove it. 28-years-old, I took a girl back home a couple of nights ago, and, you know, we were going to my apartment. The first thing she did when we walked through, was she pushed me against the wall. First off, didn't know I liked that. Did not know. We started making now, and it was fun and all that. And, uh, she started rubbing up on my body, and then she got to my chest, and, like, she accidentally cut my tits. [ Laughter ] All right? I don't know if you had a stranger in your household, cut your tits, but it's a fucking rush. I promise you that. [ Laughter ] And I'm drunk. I'm like, "Listen, see where the night goes. Fuck you. Let's see what you got." And she looked in my eyes. She was just, "You like that? You like that?" I was like, "Get the fuck off me. What the fuck?" And it sucks, 'cause I did enjoy it a lot. Thank you. I'm just gonna end off on that. That's my time, guys. Appreciate you. All right, poncho. How long have you been trying to stand up? Three years now. Three years. And that's it, huh? Just a check. You going up against the wall grab in your tits? I mean, I just -- Yeah. You really are 28? Yeah, 28. And what do you do for work? I'm a door dasher. Ooh. Yeah. Wow. Are you good at it? I got a 4.8 rating, so I'm pretty -- 4.8's pretty solid. What do you think happened to that point, too, on your door dash? What do you think people would criticize about your door dashery? It's my time. Time. I'm a little late. You are? Smoke couple splits before I drop out of the order, so that's -- Okay. Yeah. You look like you'd smoke a lot more than that. Okay. What the fuck? Well, I mean, you don't know what you look like. [ Laughter ] You're shocking to you? Okay. Can you say tortilla? Tortilla? Oh, at least I smoke tortillas, like, that's fucking okay. No, I didn't say anything about a tortilla. Whatever you're hearing right now is wild. So poncho. Where have you been doing stand up the last three years? All of it here in Austin? Yeah, all here in Austin. Is this rear from? No, I'm actually from California, San Jose, California. How long good you move here? Moved here three years ago, February 28th. What made you want to move here three years ago? Took like five rounds of mushrooms. [ Laughter ] And the mushrooms? Told you to move to Austin. Yeah, they told me to just leave everything you love behind and just go to Austin to fulfill your dream. Wow. How's it worked out for you so far? It's pretty good. I like it. I mean, I'm getting up on spots here and there. You know, still trying to work my way up, but it's been fun. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Tell us about that process. Tell the humans listening what open miking in Austin, Texas is like. So you come -- you know, you come to Austin and you're like, "Damn, everything's going to fucking happen here." And they do open mikes like, "Holy shit, I might be homeless." By the end of this, this is crazy. And then, you know, you've got to weave your way through all the crazy people. And then you finally find some people that are sane, funny, and then you kind of just, you know, go up in there. What is your living situation? I got four roommates. How many bedrooms? Four bedrooms. Okay, so you have your own bedroom. How many bathrooms? Four. Wow, this is a very luxurious apartment. A four-bathroom, four-bedroom apartment. It's in the ghetto, so that's probably why. Okay. Yeah. All right. What's your rent? What's your monthly rent? So it starts at 2,300, but we split it all the way through, so we're paying like 575. Oh, that's fantastic. We have a guy that might be moving in there real soon. If his sperm doesn't work properly, you're going to be squeezing five into a four-bedroom apartment. Incredible. So door dashing is your only source of income? You have any side hustle? Security on the side. Security. Yeah. What type of security are you doing? You know, I do raves. Okay. You do look like a security guy at a rave. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. How about for fun? Tell us more about you, your personal life. I'd say, you know, just talk to random strangers for fun. Uh-huh. And sometimes they really don't like it. They're like, just leave me alone. Fuck off. Yeah. But then once in a while, you get a real heartfelt conversation. Like, damn, I'm kind of a piece of shit. What do you mean? Like, just, they just make you realize, like, damn, I'm not doing enough in the world. I talked to them. You give us an example of that. Talk to this lady the other day. She was, uh, I planted a finis. She was like, yeah, I come to the gym and then I go straight to church to clean up the entire church. Like literally, just the maid for the church. I'm like, damn. I love-- Even the nursery. Does she clean the nursery at the church? Because that's what the real messes are nowadays. I don't know if you know about this. There's hand jobs, exorcisms, with vegetable oil, there's a lot going on. Churches be crazy now. -Is Poncho your real name? -My real name is Francisco, but my whole life just been Poncho. -Why does everybody call you Poncho? -I don't know. -You have no idea how you got the name? -I just heard it from when I can remember it, and I was like, "That's just my name. We'll go with it." -What kind of card do you have, Poncho? -Yeah, Chevy Cruise, 2011. -Wow, 2011 Chevy Cruise. -I don't know why I said that with so much confidence, but yeah, because Chevy Cruise, 2011. -Why do you stick with door dashing and not Uber-Xing just out of curiosity? -Because my passenger seatbelt doesn't work. -Ah! -Yeah, a fat guy got an accident there, and it just exploded. I was like, "Okay, this is. " -Don't blame me on a fat guy, but. -No, it is. I have to, bro, because I bought the car for him, and he like tried to act like it's worked. I was like, "All right, this is a working seatbelt, but he's just fat." He was the one that got an accident. I was like, "Oh, you fucking scammer." -He got an accident, and he broke that seatbelt? -Yeah. Wow. -It's his car. Why would he be in the passenger's side of the car? -I was buying it for him. So he was like, "Yeah, we could test driver real quick." And that's why he was in the passenger's side. -I'm confused on this. -What? -Is that confusing? That's why I fall. Is that confusing? That's. -Why would the guy who owns the car break the seatbelt if he was driving it, and it was on the passenger's side? -Oh, I didn't ask him in that story, but I'm assuming. Everybody needs Marty's doctor. -I didn't want these motherfuckers. Get 'em on, trap us up a tie, whatever the fuck it was. -I think that's it. We have to have a pharmacist right out the other side of the curtain from now on. -Poncho, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life. -Fun fact, all right. -What do you think makes you different than everybody else? Do you have a weird childhood or anything crazy? -Anything crazy. -You know what the fuck, it is what it is. I've had chlamydia eight times. -Wow, here we go. -Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, only deep into the interviews tonight am I really getting anything? Everyone clams up for the first seven minutes, and then all of a sudden, am I anything else interesting? -It's curable. -It's okay, it's curable, all right? Fuck you. -So, how the fuck do you get it eight times? Is it from the same girl, perhaps? Three times were from the same girl, for sure. -Okay. -But then the rest were just like, "I'm just having fun. No rubbers needed, you know." -Where do you tend to meet these girls? -Oh, this is all sales at California right here. -Ah. -At raves, are you working security? What's going on? -No, this is some hood bitches. I'm not gonna lie. Some hood bitches, for sure. -When you say hood bitches, do you mean. -Yes. -Yes. -You mean. -Sortas. -Sortas. -Ah. The thick Latina ladies. -I got you new right away, lad. I know what you're talking about, bro. -Mexican OT definitely knows. He's lived that life. -Yeah. -Eight times wild. -Eight times is a lot. -Never had it once, and I'd do massage parlors. Like, that's crazy. -That's. -Well, I don't think you can get them from it. -That's more like a simple hand job. -That's more simple hand jobs. -It's a wild one tonight. It's proof that the show is real, though. It makes it so that when there's an episode that's unbelievably entertaining the whole way through your like, "Man, this shit's real, dude." I won't. I remember that one episode. There was 11 insane bucket pulls in a row. -Poncho, eight times. So, do you just keep antibiotics on you all the time now? I got a pen and a sealant guy. I got it. -Yeah. -I got him a lot. -Wow. Incredible. Well, good luck. We are giving you a medium jokebook. There you go, my friend, Poncho, ladies and gentlemen. -Good job. I'm gonna. -It is indeed been a crazy episode. There's only one way to end an episode like this, everybody. We have a regular here who is a fucking absolute machine. Ladies and gentlemen, he is the real deal. This is Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. Folks, June is pride month. And thank God since queers are so low-key the rest of the year. Glad to finally be learning about him. Just last week, I met a non-binary black girl. Her pronouns were "she-it." Okay. That took a second. Got an amber alert earlier? Really not appropriate for something to vibrate that hard to let you know a kid's being fucked up. Things always stare at the shit out of me. Do I see there looking for somebody else? Now, a fun fact about those. Because of like divorce and custody disputes, parents themselves are actually the perpetrators and 90% of all criminal kidnapping cases. And the other 10%, Puerto Ricans, so fascinating stuff. I love numbers. Okay, thank you. Pat O'Neill has done it again, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You would think other people would do that throughout this episode. But no, only Pat O'Neill did the joke after joke after joke thing. Very interesting approach. We almost forgot what it was like. Jokes! Yeah, it's incredible. Some people did this. Eight years, some people did it. Four, three years I have written down here. And nobody did that. Nobody did one joke after the other, just like that. No. Agriculture with Joe. They need more insmedicine. Yeah. It's incredible. It's a wild one. Mexican O.T. Oh, yeah. American Loti. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] He is the man. He is the man. He is the man. Pat O'Neill is the real deal. I just say it before Joe did. That was incredible. Incredible, Pat. What else is going on in life? Everything else good? Yeah, you know. I love it. Shilling, getting the shows together for like July and August. Hell yeah. Yeah, easy week. You will be with us in August, uh, August 7th and 8th. You will be performing at Madison Square Garden two nights on a row. [ Cheers and applause ] And you will be with us in November in Las Vegas where we do the MGM Grand Dolby Live Theater. And of course, you'll be with us New Year's Eve here in Austin. Don't make any plans New Year's Eve for you. Fuck yeah. What they do are. You'll be doing arenas with us here. So, I mean, you were just killing it, man. Let the record show for anybody who's watching this that does stand up comedy. That's what to do. Don't ask the audience questions. See, give us a fuck what they think, exactly. How you guys doing? You having a good night? Nobody cares. Just do fucking jokes. I mean, you are just an absolute perfect specimen every single week, time after time after time. The only person other than Dejuk that has to do this every single week. And meanwhile, you guys shine out of the pile of all of these different comedians. It's incredible what's going on with you. And we're happy to showcase it. The great Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Wild episode tonight. Crazy stuff. Guys, how about one more time for Joe Rogan in that Mexican OT? So much fun. One more time for the best stand band in all the land. Red band. I'll be in San Diego at the American comedy company with-- With Pat O'Neill and Angie Strauss. July 9 through 11. And yeah, like I said, Madison Square Garden, Las Vegas, and of course, Austin, Texas here on New Year's Eve. Guys, we love you. We did it. God bless America. Wild episode. Thanks for joining us. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]