#774 - JOE DEROSA + MIKE FINOIA

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the GoldenPony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Great news everyone. You have a chance at seeing Killtony live on November 13th and 14th in Las Vegas, Nevada. Get out of the stormy cold blistering weather wherever you are and take a nice little weekend trip to Vegas to see two brand new live episodes of Killtony November 13th and 14 tickets go on sale tomorrow morning July 7th at 10 a.m. Pacific time using the promo code Killtony6 at ticketmaster.com. That's Las Vegas, Nevada at the MGM Dolby Live Theater in November 13th and 14 tickets on sale. Tomorrow, the special pre-sell code is Killtony6. Don't miss this opportunity. Killtony6 at the MGM Dolby Live Theater in August 14th and 14th at 10 a.m. Pacific time using the promo code Killtony6 at 10 a.m. Hey, this is Brad Pitt, company live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Killtony. Get out of my Donny! It's Brad! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? One more time for the best band in all the land, huh? Aren't they something? Rao Valejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Trace Leches, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgronde, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, and that is Dee Madness, live in the flat. Great John B's on the road tonight, so we're leaving his stool empty in memory of him. Even though he's alive and well. Oh, Dee Madness with extra room. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. You're not missing much, Dee, you're not missing much. Yes, yes. You are blind. All right, Dee. Blind. I wish you was mute. Hey, come on now. Let's go. All right. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Shopify Tacovas and Sayley. How exciting is it to have Sayley joining our squad? And here's a little bit more from all the amazing sponsors that made this show possible for you here, right now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Oh my god. What an episode we have for you, ladies and gentlemen, one of really two of the best comedians in the world. But one of my best friends is here with us. And a first time panelist that we're very, very excited about. One of our very funny friends from New York and one of the newest great residents of Austin, Texas. Two of the best. Make some noise for tonight's guest, Joe DeRosa, and Mike Benoya, everybody. Hell yeah. So, DeRosa, my buddy, Mike Benoya joining us for the first time, a new panelist. How exciting, and Joe DeRosa back again, a guy that people say I booked too much. Really? Do I ask guys got no other friends in the world other than Joe DeRosa, Joe DeRosa, Joe DeRosa? That is true. You might be my only friend. What do you think that says about me? All right. No good. We're going to have some fun. Mike Benoya, welcome. Welcome. How are you? Thank you, brother. Everybody say hi, Mike. Hey, everyone. It's going to be a lot of fun. Mike, it's your first time on Joe's done the show a thousand times. But Mike, you might not know. I'm going to catch you up. There's over 200 human souls that's signed up for tonight's show. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. The other time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the anger West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their sentence rudely. And then I conduct a nice interview with them and find out more about them, anything can happen. Maybe it's a crazy person. Maybe it's a genius. We've found them all out of this bucket. I'm going to have this guy whose eyes are way too close together, pull the first name out of the bucket. He might have an operation for that, sir. His wife is patting him on the back because she knows it's true. You look at those things. It's almost a fucking cyclops. It's unbelievable, sir. Like, when you just did that, he just laughed like that and his fingers were so close together. Are you making me tear up? Unbelievable. Unbelievable what my fan base looks like. Look at these monsters that I've created. Oh boy. We're having fun here tonight. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian. We have a golden tick a winner who's going to do a brand new 60 seconds for you. We don't get to see this guy that often. We are excited that he's back. Make some noise for the return of Mason Bird, everybody. Our first minute of the night, golden tick a winner, Mason Bird. My wife is like a box of chocolates, fat people finish it a lot faster. I'm fat, but I'm working on it. Like I learn how to make Caesar dressing from scratch the other day. What you do is you take Greek dressing and you stab it in the back 23 times. If you don't get that joke, you're fucking stupid. Idiot. You know, I, I love the lady, you know, and she likes to just think when we argue, like she likes to attack my masculinity. The other day, she was like, be a man, kill that bug. That's so unfair. I can't be like, be a woman, take care of me, run your fingers through my hair, because that'd be a very inappropriate thing to say to your mom and your 20s. No, actually, I, uh, I live with a lesbian, which is something I suggest you don't do unless you want to find out how much pussy you don't get, dude. That's, thank you. Fuck yeah, Mason Bird. Love it. Welcome back. Thank you, thank you. Mason Bird. Is that true? You really live with a lesbian? I used to. Oh. Yeah. Got it. What was that? Um, I fell in love with the lesbian and, uh, she didn't love me back. And then I moved to Texas and this. You guys were dating? No. You found a place that was, a room that was for rent? No, I worked with this lesbian, um, she was like, we'd be great roommates and I was like, yeah. Where were you guys working at? Uh, a bar. I was a cook. She was a waitress. Did she think you were a lesbian? I mean, I'd talk to you a lot. Did you have the beard back then? No. Wow. Yeah, I'm pretty. It's too bad. Yeah, you look. Yeah. You would look like that without that. Yeah. My friend, oh yeah. Did you ever express your love to this lesbian? Oh, yeah. It was so bad. Uh. Early on or after you guys lived together? It was, uh, it was after we lived together and then. It's such a lesbian thing for even, it's so amazing. You guys moved in and then. Really, but surely. So quickly. That's such a lesbian thing to do. Yeah. I gotta work on that. Uh. Lesbians, yeah. So what happened when you told her you loved her? Uh, she told me she wasn't interested and then, um, she had sex with, like, two women that night, so. So they would just be in the other room? Oh, yeah. It's just chaperone and fingerblast and all night long, dude. It's just LED lights under the floor. So I'm playing Fortnite with the boys again. Yeah, everything's great. Yes. Unbelievable. You had a good thing going and you fucked it up, man. Yeah, man. You could just listen to the lesbians have sex all night and jerk off in the quiet of your own fucking room and then you. Uh. Bargain, I love you! I just blew the whole fucking thing up. Yeah. And by the way, I don't do this show too fucking much. I wasn't ready for that. But I walked out here. I do the show too much with this gag of a fucking goofballs you bring out here week after week. Oh, my God. It just hit me. By the way, this is how he invited me to do it today. Text me, he goes, "Buddy, can you panel tonight? Everybody is out of town." Fucking dickhead. All right. I thought I had Mr. Beast for some reason. And I had Mr. Beast and Mike Fanoya in my calendar the whole time. I texted Rogue and he's like, "Nah, that's in July or something." I'm like, "Ah, fuck." I put it in the wrong month. Like, do you have a contact for Mr. Beast? So that's you guys were that close, having Mr. Beast? Instead, you have Mr. Least over here. [LAUGHTER] Mr. Beastieality. You fucking pig. Hey, Mason Bird's still here. Mr. Beast. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Oh, love it. Oh, love it. So how did the lesbian remade situation end? I know there's so much other stuff we could talk about, but it's so intriguing. Yeah. So we worked together. And-- What was the job? I was like a sous chef. There was a waitress. Oh, yeah. She was actually the owner's little sister. And I threatened if she didn't move out, I would quit. And she moved out. Probably didn't take much convincing. No. I helped her-- I moved her couch out of my own apartment. It was-- Wow. I'm a nice guy. What can I say? Us. Amazing. What else is going on, Mason Bird? What's going on? My sister had a baby. You're who? My older sister had a baby. She didn't know if she was pregnant the whole time, but-- Whoa, one of those, huh? Yeah, it's black. What are you going to do? Bigger lady. But no, that's the thing is, she's not fat enough for that to be the case. Her baby daddy's name is blue. He's a black guy. I don't know. Black and blue. How did she not know she was pregnant? I think she's lying. Yeah. Wait, blue, the black man got her pregnant. Yeah, he's five, too. He's kind of adorable. It's been to prison. Is this all true? I can't say that. Yeah, it's so true. Like, fun. How could your sister not know she was pregnant? I don't know. She had two kids prior. I think everyone hated her boyfriend, so she just lied the whole time. And then one day in January, she was like, you have another niece. Is that the first black kid or the other two black, too? Other two are black. Wow, so there's a little gang of them, huh? Yeah. Is the DNA test called Blues Clues? [LAUGHS] I love it. They are your blood now. And your crepes. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Getting big digs back in the bloodline, you know? I'm a big fan. I'm a big fan. I love it. You guys are a very patriotic family. You have red, your sister's white, and he's blue. I love it, man. Have you ever said hello to your little black nieces and nephews? The first two. I haven't met the new one yet. Well, they're pretty cool. He'll be calling you any day now with his one phone call that he's allowed from prison, sure. Hey, yo, hey, yo, Uncle Mason. Give me out here in Montevuga. I'm just kidding. It's baiting. They're not all misbehaviors. You know what I mean? There's some good ones out there. All right, I'm kidding. I was pointing at you, do you? I didn't get the laugh I thought it deserved, but Mason. Thanks for getting tonight's show started for us. Golden, take a winner, Mason Bird. We're moving to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. So I did begin. May God have mercy on our souls as we find new people. Oh, I can tell you, for sure, that this is the first time this guy's been on. I would know this name. So we're all going to watch them together. Remember, they signed up for this show. They've been waiting for hours for this opportunity. Every single one of them. So I say, give it up for the first ever appearance of one man, man, man. Here we go. OK. If you do enough drugs, you will definitely meet God. That's a fact. And if you keep doing drugs, God will be like, what the fuck are you still doing here, dude? Pick up all these cigarette butts. You got fucking empty beer cans everywhere, empty fucking-- everything. Get your fucking life together, dude. Get your life together. Maybe get a job. I got a better idea. Why don't you go down, drive 19 hours down to Killtony. [LAUGHTER] I got a beat for you, dude. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. This came straight from God, by the way. Oh, shit, dude. Stop, stop, stop. One man, man, man. All right, that's where you stop just making noises. Stop, almost stop? Yes, I want you to fucking stop. OK. God, I see how you ended up in this place in life. OK. It's unbelievable, it's high bat. You were saying that God wouldn't he be talking to you? OK, clean up the drugs, gain up the empty beers, get a job, drive the Killtony. What the fuck's going on, dude? Are you Dan? Yes. All right, I'll call you Dan. How old are you? I'm going to be a harder, yeah. How old are you? 38. What made you come down here tonight and do that? I am a fan. You're a fan? Yeah. OK, but what made you do that instead of that? Those are the fans. That's where the fans normally go, is out there. What do you mean? Well, you didn't do any jokes. You basically said that your life was fucked up and then one day God said, get off the drugs, clean up the beer, get a job, and drive to Killtony. There's nothing funny that you said in there. Did you notice that on your 19-hour fucking drive here? You didn't think about what you might say at all if it happened. I did, yeah. Have you ever done "Sand Up" before? No. OK, so you just signed up randomly without ever trying anything? No, I play music in Wisconsin. And I play bars and sometimes I riff and I'm funny. And I'm a fan of the show. And I just wanted to come down here and try it. And yeah, I get this. I get what's going on. But I get what's going on. It just hit him. Holy shit, I'm on Killtony. What the fuck? Wait, what am I doing? I spent the whole weekend at the sphere at fish on mushrooms. That's the most psychedelic thing I've seen all weekend. Pretty wild. I mean, Dan, it's absolutely incredible that you would just jump right into this. As a fan, is it? Is it really? Yeah, man. Yeah, dude. It's a comedy show. The whole point is that people are trying. I get that. There's other people. There's somebody over there tonight that signed up right alongside you. It didn't go how I wanted it. OK, you go ahead, Dan. You go. I bet it didn't. All right, Dan, there you go. Let me tell you how crazy it truly is. I've been doing this show for about 10 years. Something happened when he was doing this thing that I've never witnessed. He goes a drove 19 hours down here and you went, ugh. I know. Normally, you don't hear that because there's some laughter happening in the crowd, but at one point, I also think I stopped breathing during that set and an unconscious chance to kill myself. Dan, you should know better. You should have written something or tried something, but instant-- let's talk about it. How bad was the drugs and the beer and everything? Did you really change your life recently? Simple question. No? Yes. OK, perfect. There he goes, Dan, everybody. You get nothing. You get nothing. There he goes, everybody. That's fine. Just leave it there. There he goes, Dan. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen live in the blood? I mean, what a specimen am I right. YouTube adds three pounds. So this is what she looks like in real life, everyone. Just to let you know, one more time for the lovely Heidi. Go to HeidiRagina.com. Check out our new pod. Hello, everybody. You know that moment where you text your whole team. Did anyone follow up with that one guy? You don't hear anything. Tumbleweed, silence. One thumbs up emoji, two hours later. Meanwhile, the customer has already moved on, gotten married, started a new business and retired. At some point, you're just like, let's fucking quote. That's why today's episode is brought to you by quote, spelled Q-U-O, the business phone system built. So you never miss a call. Oh, red ban. With quote, all your calls, texts, and voicemails live in one place. So anyone on your team can pick up a conversation. See the full history and respond fast. Plus, it's super easy to set up on any device. It literally only takes minutes to do. You can even keep your existing number and add teammates as you grow. So there's no IT, no hassle. That's right. In quotes, built in AI agent handles after hours, calls, answers, questions, and even books appointments. So you never miss a lead even when your team is off. line. As the number one rated business phone system on G2 Quo is trusted by over 90,000 businesses that already rely on it to stay reachable and look professional every day. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com/killtony that's q-u-o.com/killtony. All right I pulled another name out of the bucket to make some nice ladies and gentlemen for Otis Hicks. Otis Hicks everyone here we go. Good evening ladies and gentlemen how we doing? My father my daughter was getting cyber bullied. I you know what cyber bullying was you know you know I think I had going up I had a real bully you know which I would have get hit with emojis instead of getting the fucking face you know I got teased before I've been went to school somebody coming to me like this Otis your big headed your black your ugly your mom doesn't love you now go to school son. My dad was cyber bullied you said to the bitches and now growing up I saw this 10 year old like a iPhone 10 years old when I was 10 years old I didn't get no iPhone my dad just bought me an eye patch he said here become a pirate and he's a treasure map so you can find your real dad my dad was asshole that's pretty much all I got thank you guys. Exactly a minute from Otis Hicks welcome Otis. Hell yeah where you from. El Paso Texas. El Paso. Yes you still live there. Yes still live there. You born and raised there. Born and raised there. Wow. Chicken and tamales man. I drove through that place I'm gonna drive out here and holy fucking shit man it's really something else. It is something. Nothing like it far from everything. And I'm gonna have Puerto Rican by the way. Oh shit. So I'm gonna have blackness. Yeah black weekend. Yeah. You'll take my wallet and then blow the money on gold chains for you much. It's pretty accurate. Oh incredible. Oh you made that joke doing that roast Puerto Rico and stuff. I mean I asked my family but it is slightly accurate it's a lot of garbage did. Very accurate. Yes. It was spot on. I wasn't calling the people garbage it was an island made of garbage. Thank you very much. Very important. Very important. To the mainstream media. Chota Rosa. How long have you been doing stand up? About ten years. Ten years. Yeah man because you're writing is it's good man. I really admired how you would start with one thing and then hop off of it into the next thing. Like for instance the eye patch thing. Yeah. You got a laugh on eye patch and then you were like oh I can spring into what is a pirate through treasure map real dad. My dad. My dad being an asshole and drunk hell for lots of. That's true. Yeah. Unbelievable. It was it. Yeah. Serial types. Yeah. So I'm guessing the mom's Puerto Rican right? Yes. Right on the head. Absolutely. Right on the head. And Otis what type of work do you do for a living? Well I'm a security guard but the thing I was doing before I worked at a sex shop. Oh. What were you doing there? I was selling dicks. That makes sense. I could see how your people would be good at that. Yes. Yes. That's what I was doing selling dicks. Amazing. It was mostly women that would come in there. How would you feel when a dude like me would walk in and go hey what do you got for this fucking gaping asshole? I'm giving you a 12 inch of the Darth Vader. I'll be like there you go time. I love Darth Vader. Fuck yeah. Shutting me to the dark side. Shoot your scythe on my face. Tony's like the guys are allowed in there too right? Yeah those rooms in the back and all this stuff. Of course. I've been there. Like I said I drove through once. I had to stop off in the gay back room. How old did you say you were? Me. I'm 34. 34. Security girl. You're in good shape. You look like jog DMC. Pretty much. Run DM. Yeah man. I work out with good shape. Plus you work at a sex shop and you mop up manges you know it kind of gets kind of strong at this. Amazing. Now where's the place you're working security now? Sun City security. It sucks but I work it. Well I mean but what type of gigs are what are you standing in front of exactly? Mostly like restaurants like Chico's tacos and stuff like this? Is there a lot of misbehaving in Chico's tacos? Yes. What goes on there? Give us an example of what type of a mess you're cleaning up now. Basically it's like tomato juice, tamales and usually cholo's fighting in the parking lot. I have put together a line up for you to pick the criminal out of. It's the horn players over there. Which one of these people? Which one of these people commits the most crimes? I'm going to say that guy. Oh yeah. Oh of course. Oh of course. Build with testosterone. Carlos Sosa on the saxophone. Famously. Famously. Nothing but trouble. Otis. What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Your 50/50 or is you call it Fitty Fitty? The Puerto Rican thing about me, I like I love mangoes and I like drinking coconut juice straight out the coconuts. That's Puerto Rican and no. Okay. You call thick white women, mangoes? Now is that the new term? Yes. Yes. Alright Otis, my next question. What is the blackest thing about you in this game? The blackest thing about me is that I had an alcoholic dad. I wanted him to leave but he stayed. So that's how I became really funny because of him. What was his drink of choice? Was it Henny? Of course. How'd you hit it on the head? Because I studied different races and cultures. A lot of people think this is a game. By the way, I would say his dad staying is the whitest thing ever. Yeah. Hell yeah. Amazing. I love it. So you've been doing it 10 years in El Paso. Yes sir. Come to Austin just for this. Yes. Amazing. How long of a drive is that? It's about eight and a half hours but it was definitely worth seeing all you guys. I was like I got to come do it man. Hell yeah. You got to live life. Very funny dude. We did it. Very funny. We love it. It was amazing especially after a guy that drove 19 hours with and fucking nothing at all. That was awesome Otis. Here's a legit black joke book for you. My friend, in fact, I'm going to give you the, I love the one. There you go. There you go. Otis making his killed Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen. You got to love it. Eight-hour fucking drive paid off. Amazing. 19-hour drive, eight-hour drive. And now I know that this happens to be one of the funniest door guys here at the mothership. These guys sign up every week. With this many names in the bucket, it's very hard to get pulled. And I always love the ones that sign up, you know, instead of fucking, you know, you could easily become better watching a show like this for fucking people don't prepare. And now they're in front of millions of people. These guys work all the time. Very funny man. With a brand new minute, he's been on the show numerous times before over the last five years. Makes him always for Adam Lucky. Everybody. Here he is. Pretty good day today. I had a homeless guy come up doing go, "Hey, are you trans or retarded?" All right, you guys usually ask for a dollar, but I'll fucking take it, I guess, whatever you do. Just a fucking pants on first dog before he got throws heavy hypotheticals at me. Then I thought about trans or retarded. What's the difference? Where my repulbs at? Come on, get him out of our bathrooms, freak shows. Now I want them in the bathrooms because I like jerking off to watch them shit. So I like that. I like black people too. Sorry. I think they're chill. I have black friends. I lost one, though I said the Immortant in front of him. He got pretty mad. He's like, "You can't say that." I was like, "But I was singing it in a song." He's like, "Yeah, but you were singing Happy Birthday to me." You got ten seconds left if you want to do another one. We'll call off the cat in the bear. You're crushing it. Yeah, I went to an all black high school. That was hard. Did not make the sports teams. I'll say that. I made the swim team because I could fucking swim. Absolutely fucking hurt. I mean, holy shit. That's what it's all about, dude. That's what it's all about. You see these guys on episodes from many years ago, the Vulcan days, if you will, and everything in between, and absolute shocking growth. Time and time, again, for the return people that we don't get to see all the time. You're here in Austin. People get to do four, five, six, seven spots a night. Kind of like how New York used to be. Or maybe for some people is, but you're doing it, dude. That's unbelievable. Yeah. Now, my life has gotten like fucking awful. So I've gotten a lot of funnier. Yeah, that happens. Trust me. Things are the worst they've ever been, but I've been crushing it. I don't need you wife. I'm glad you're gone. I'm not. I miss her so much. I gotta live with my mom now, so I'll get bitch. (audience laughing) Spaghetti, I forgot this! - Party time, your wife left you? - Yeah, wow, when did this happen? - About a year ago, it was, it was pretty much the worst divorce could ever go. 'Cause she works at the Comedy Club and I ran shows there so I don't get to do that anymore. - Wow. - So good, Spaghetti, I forgot to do this. (audience laughing) - Come on, we were having fun. - I'm not, someone's got to laugh. - Which club can you say or no? Is that too much? - I don't know, I mean. - I've said it on the show in the past, so I mean it doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. - Okay, it doesn't matter. - Why, what were you gonna make a pun or something? - No, no, no, I was literally just curious what club it was, but then I was like, you probably shouldn't say that. - It's also fully my fault. She didn't do anything wrong. She fucking rules. - What would you have said if it was called the Chuckle Hut, huh? - I would have said, is she trans-retarded? (audience laughing) - What's the difference? - I wish, I could have tricked her into staying. (audience laughing) I'll buy you goose bumps, come on. (audience laughing) - Adam, Milwaukee. - I love it, so what have you been doing to soothe the pain other than just pure standup, which it's obvious that you are in the zone? - I actually got sober, so I've been doing a lot of just like, fucking stuff. (audience cheering) - Oh yeah, you're still sweating like you're on pain pills, but we'll take your word for it. (audience laughing) - This is the sweats to come after. I'm still in withdrawal, it's been nine months. - Wow. - Don't do cratum, this fucking hurts. - Yeah, yeah, that's for real. We don't read cratum ads, we probably lose out on what many would consider vast sums of money by reading cratum ads. It's a thing that people, everyone that I've noticed that does it was addicted to something, and they're like, I'm on this new thing, that's not addictive at all. And then they continuously do more and more of it all the time. And they're like, it makes my bad memories get deleted. Like, I was addicted to that terrible thing. - No, I just do this. - It deleted my bad memories and my wife's. (laughing) - Amazing. - Not recommended. - It's the zen of heroin. - Yeah, yeah, it really is. - I was doing the capsules, so they do, they have like synthetic, like they take the shit out of it that makes you high. Like the powder is bad, but it's not like life ruining, but then they have these pills you can take that it's just like, they call it gas station heroin 'cause that's what it is. It was just fucking, it's brutal. - Amazing. - Oh, there's one band in the back there. So you do nothing now, not even like psychedelic. - I've drank a couple of times since, but I mean, I took the most part pretty much nothing. I smoke cigarettes, and then it's funny. - Hell yeah. - So fun. - A lot of scratch off tickets. - Huh? - A lot of lotto tickets, and, - No, I've no money for that. - I'm about to lose my car, graphing. - I wish, I love it. - Adam, what's your living situation like? - I'm really living with my mom right now. - Oh, really? - She lives here in Austin? - No, it's an hour and a half away. Fuck. - Yeah. - God, that fucking sucks. - Yeah, it sucks. - God damn. - That's one. - You just, you just work here and hustle a con. - I work here, I do Uber Eats, and that's pretty much it. Yeah, I do that pretty much every day. So I have money to see my daughter, not to. - So you got to drive 90 minutes. You drove 90 minutes? - Mm-hmm. - Take, by the way, take notice everybody. The shorter the drive time gets, the better the comedian is. - That is right. - That is right. - That's obvious. - That's a great point. - Whoever walked here is gonna murder tonight. (audience laughing) - An hour and a half every day you're making that trip? - Yeah. - Yeah, it blows. - You know what we're gonna do? Red Band has an extra room in his condo here downtown. - That's fucking doing it. There you go. - Look at that face. - Look at your mom. - Look at your mom. - Don't you want? - I'll suck you, dog. I will fucking suck you, brother. I got nothing to lose. I'll get gay. - You know what, fuck. - I'm ready to upgrade you because Tony has a better - Second room. (audience laughing) - All right. I would love to have you on the secret show. - That's the next time you come. - That's a consolation prize if I've ever heard one. - It's been a long time, here's another big joke, fuck. - Adam Lucky, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, that's what it's all about. Fucking watching people get better. The only show that shows you that process in the history of comedy is here. Phil Tony, brought to you by Shopify Tacopas in the salient. And your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Clay McClaren, everyone. Here we go. (audience applauding) Clay McClaren. (audience applauding) - Damn. That is way too high for a midget like me. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) Yeah. That's bad. So, I had to down a bottle of this dream just to get the courage to come up here. But don't worry, my shakes have almost gone. I had to stop by Bucky's, hit on some of the very fine fat Latina ladies. They are beautiful, torches, as they're cold. (audience laughing) Yeah. I gotta help myself to some pulled pork, if you know what I mean. (audience laughing) Yeah, gotta get up in those beaver nuggets. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) But I like the black girls too. (audience laughing) Gotta get some of those burp tips going. (audience laughing) All right. I love you all. Play McLaren, now by my measurements here, I'm gonna guess that you drove about 12 hours to be here. (audience laughing) Close to good. Really? Joe five. What? Five. Five hours to be here. That's absolutely incredible. What type of crazy show is this? Everybody wants to do comedies, moving here. Meanwhile, tonight's bucket, paying off fucking gas bills over here, making up for the Warren Iron. (audience laughing) Joe DeRose. Every, and of, everything that you said that was disturbing. The most upsetting thing to me was I also own that shirt. (audience laughing) Oh yeah, you did. Which one? Damn it. That blue shirt. Yeah. Target? Game stop? Yeah. (audience laughing) It was on the Clarence Racket, JC Penney's. All right. All right. Now downgraded from Target. I didn't think that was possible. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard to do that. Wait, I have some actual comedy advice for you though. You gotta move the mic stand. You can't stand behind it, man. You gotta move it to the side. Take the mic out of there for now. Yeah. Take it out and move it behind you. Move it behind you. Move the stand. Yeah, I didn't want to fuck with this. Move it behind you. Move it behind you. Okay. There you go. It's your stage when you're doing it, man. There you go. This is the first time around electricity. He's the awmish bat guy. Very exciting for him. Five-hour drive in a horse and carriage to be here tonight, and those horses were working over time. I'm telling you. That's a big boy. Big little awmish boy. I like those tortoises. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. What are you? 21, 58? What are you? Somewhere in between. No. I turn 31 next week. 31. Incredible. I do for work, Clay McClaren. I work at a comedy club. Wow. Incredible. Are you banging the owner, lady? Are you Clay? Look at you. You got a guilty face. I've come close. Wow. Really? What's his name? All right. Super. You work at a club? A comedy club? What's his name? A comedy club. No. Punchline book. I was going to ask him. I was going to ask him-- I was going to ask him he was trans or retarded. Oh, my goodness. What is the name of the club? It's punchline Houston. Wow. OK. All right. Good answer. Clay, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that has hobbies galore. I don't know about galore. You know, anything that a regular almiş dude would do fishing has been a couple of years about it used to go hunting a lot for what? For all the right things. Wow. Extra creepy answer. Yeah. Yeah. Clay, what's your love life like? Are you out there just fucking smothering girls? I mean, when I'm not hitting on women and braiding them at bucky's-- What do you mean? Are you being serious? Stop trying to be funny. I need real answers out of you, Clay. No. I think you're nervous. I'll make you fucking nervous. Yeah. Yeah. I'm nervous to shit. But no, no. I was talking to a girl at bucky's today. What did you say to her? Give me your opening line. So what was she doing? Like, looking at the different nuts and stuff. Like, right. Something like that? No. No. I noticed that she had an engagement ring on. I said, if you ever want to get re-engaged, you know, just hit me up. That was your line. Oh, yeah. Re-engaged. Yeah. Just overtly forward. Wow. Really? And then what? And then she looked at me like the way you're looking at me now. Yeah. And something tells me you were shaking like this when you said that. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, I was a lot more chill. Did you have anything in your hands at the time when I'm in bucky's? My hands are always full. I end up having to grab a basket, but I do it too late. What did you have in your hands, Clay McClaren? Nothing. Wow. Wow, so it was extra creepy then because you're just a guy standing there with nothing, no purpose at all, in a world where everything is fun, and I mean, I can't stop buying things there. I want to buy everything at a buckies and you're just empty handed and trippy thing, nothing at all. Hey, you want to get re-engaged? Well, I see you're the only woman here that's promised to another man, but-- Just an ether egg? Oh, welcome to the amazing world of Clay McClaren. Yeah, well, if there's any tortuses in the audience-- Oh my God, do Clay stop it, stop it. He has a tornado. No, stop it, very good, very good. You're making a red band on your-- I'm going to put you back in the kiln. You're going to make red band of a low blood sugar attack. Stop talking about nuts and tortuses. No, okay. Clay, when's the last time you were with a woman? When's the last time you had sexual intercourse with a woman? I absolutely know. I can't imagine in my head-- You must have a lot of her pubes stuck in your beard. I can tell you that, right? A few months ago. Yeah, okay. Where'd you meet this galat? In a cemetery. Wow, okay. So how long did it take you to dig her up? What do you mean you met a girl in this cemetery? You got to paint the picture for us a little bit, Clay. All right, straight to the craziest answers ever. I hit her up on an app. She said, I'll suck your dick in a cemetery. What app is this? Uber eats. [LAUGHTER] Mike Fenoya has arrived to the Kilttoni universe. What app is it? It was either Bumble or Tinder. Well, one of those. Him, Adam Terry. I almost slipped up. Hey, that's a list right now. It definitely wasn't Bumble. That's the one where the girl has to message you first. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it was definitely Tinder. It was Timber, the one where you get a bumper tie. It turned in a grinder real fast. Whoa. OK. No, no, no. Clay, this lady out of nowhere said that she wants to suck your dick in a cemetery. Then what happens? Got my dick sucked in the cemetery. Wow, quite the story, tell our ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Could have said anything in the world jumps right to the end of the story. Barry Terence, E-N-O-S, telling you the end first. And now let's find out. Did you have to open a gate? Did you drive right in? Did you do it in the parking lot? It was open. There's like a driveway. So did you do it in your car? Yeah. OK. So it was kind of like a driveway, open gate, and a parking lot. And then she got out of her car and came into your car with she already there just standing there. I'm not sure if I'm breaking any laws right now. You already did. OK. Well, no, I definitely not. She hopped in. Name her name in her address. You're not breaking any laws. No one believes you, by the way. So you're OK. Out of all the sex stories ever told, you getting your dick sucked in a cemetery almost impossible. By the way, they got security at the taco place where the other guy works. Nobody's guarding the gates in this fucking cemetery to stop some abomination shit like this from happening. What the fuck is going on? It's where my great-grandmother is buried. Whoa. Whoa. This is turning into a goose bumps book. Jesus, no, this is a true story, so. Clay McClaren, I'm going to get you out of here. You are the first person leaving with a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations, Clay. A big victory. A five-hour drive for Clay McClaren. A night of long drives, ladies and gentlemen. An hour and a half being the closest bucket bowl out of four tonight. Here's number five. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Havi Belon. Havi Belon. Let's go. Havi, what the fuck is going on tonight? I don't care. Let's do this. I got a minute. So as y'all can see, I'm clearly a bottom. Oh, I see bottom cheer tonight. Fuck you guys, dude. I see a lot. No, but I got to be a bottom. Too fucking fat. Probably got to be a bottom. Imagine me being on top. My girl, she's like four feet five. If I'm on top of that bitch, and my arms go out, that bitch is dead, dog. She's dead, dude. I'd rather be up here telling you guys jokes instead of asking you to help find my girlfriend for that bitch. I'd rather do that. I'd rather do that, bro. It just sucks me fat. It sucks. For example, about a new belt. I bet you can't see it. Did he see my fucking bad doubt it? I got a new belt. I'm serious. I'm not lying. I'm not lying, bro. I've never lying. Marriott, brand new. Just bought the shit out of the bucket. He's just bought the shit out of the way over here. Hate that shit, bro. No, but I actually feel grateful that I'm doing this, dog. Because I want to do this when my girl blows me. That's where it goes. And it's heavy, so she better make me come fast. But otherwise, I dropped it and slapped her. And then I-- no. No, you hurry up. You make me come fast here, fuck you. I'm me, man. Loan, ladies and gentlemen, with this full set. Welcome, welcome. How are you? Good, brother. Hell yeah. He looks sexy in person. Who is he? I wish I could say the same about you, Hobbit. You are a big, nasty boy. You know what I'm like, my wife, too, will do. Love it. I love it. Let's check in with the boys here. It's slow down. Get's here. I don't know. Slow down a little bit. I'm eating. I'm eating. Slow down your eating, too. But no, slowing down, slowing down will help you in different ways. It'll help the audience understand what you're saying a little better. It'll help you not spill chili all over your shirt. I mean, it's unbelievable. That's what I was going to say. Barbecue, buddy. It's barbecue. Jesus Christ. I want the Terry Blacks. Mike. Yeah. We love Terry Blacks. I got fucked up. And it feels like I took a nap before I got here, bro. Terry Blacks. Fox. It falls hard, bro. Yeah. Real talk, though. Bring a show shirt. Yeah. Always wear black. No, the feddy's got my back. Come on, boys. You guys. There, there's a couple out there, taking multiple seats. Hobby. What part of what part of San Antonio are you from? I'm from Al Paso, which is Antonio without you. Whoa. Another Al Paso guy. Another one. Oh, this was the first black guy you saw in Al Paso. He's the only one in Al Paso. You guys drive here together? No. We're touring right now. You're touring? Yeah. Oh, OK. So you guys are just swinging through Austin doing other shows, right? Yeah. I'm going to show the Vulcan later. If you guys want to go, I promise I'll talk slower. And then we'll have a bit of shirt. I promise. Right. Hobby. Amazing. I'm going to stand up. Four years. This year. Four years. What else do you do? I make sketches about, like, being a stuff. Uh-huh. That's like, like, literally what it is. A lot of people relate to it. And it's a fucking dope. Can you make a living doing that? Yeah. Dude, it's awesome. The beans love me. Very good. Are you getting bigger? Like, are you-- where's your weight state? OK. Now I'm comfortable. Now that I'm talking to you, I'm comfortable. Thanks for letting it out. I love it. Have you ever zipped to that best before? Never done. Can we try? Can I get a drum roll please? Let's try it. Honey, honey, help. Honey, help. Come on, Hobby. Just try. I want to see what happens. Ready? If I come, I'm sorry. Hobby, do it. Just do it, Hobby. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hold on. Give me a little trombone here. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh my god. He's trying to suck it in. This is epic. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hell, yeah. Can you breathe? No, I'm going to unzip that shit. Unzip that thing. You're going to take someone's eye out. Oh my goodness gracious. That was going back. A man that has never zippered anything ever. Yeah. Hell, yeah. That vest was working extra car hearts. Just car heart? No, that you're-- No, dude, I'm the most unemployed car heartware ever, dog. [LAUGHTER] I'm coming in stolen valor right now, bro. I got a tune. It's the only thing that fits. It's clearly, dog. Fuck yeah. That's cool. Barely. Barely hanging on. But they do. Car heart's watching me. It's amazing. Dude, you sound like an even more coaxed up vocal laser. Yeah. It is. [LAUGHTER] Hey. Honestly, from the barbecue, I had to do a blow. I had to do a bump before I got on here, don't you? Did you really? No, no. OK. No. I was in your eyes. That's all it is. What have I? OK. Do you ever put your finger in between that neck? Between that neck flap there? Do you ever finger that? I get all the grease out. And then just left over a food dog. And left over barbecue. Oh yeah. That's why I spill a lot. Bobby, what's your love life like? I'm with a lady for 12 years. Female. Sorry, bro. Female. All right. 12 years, yeah. OK. What does she do for work? I just got her out of work. Did you ever see what's going to be Jay-C Penny? But I just-- Jay-C Penny, our second Jay-C Penny-- What the fuck? Jay-C Penny's was still over there. There's like two Jay-C Penny's. That's four Jay-C Penny callouts this episode fun fact. If you place a bet, if you place a bet today on draftings, that Jay-C Penny would be said four times. If you bet one dollar on that, you just won $17 million. And that is the odds of four Jay-C Penny references happening in one episode. Bobby, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened you in your life? This man is awesome. Other than this. Oh, yeah, yeah. OK. I'll give you a good one. I knocked out a guy on tour. I was being next to him. He didn't want me to be next to him because he thought it was gay. It was an awesome, too. What do you say? - I didn't hear one of those words. - That all became one of them. - Come on, Cowacoffers, man. - I think that was the first ever stand-up heart attack that I just wanted. (laughing) - I fought a guy, I had a show in Austin, and I was peeing, and he didn't want to pee next to me. And he got mad, and he just punched me 'cause it didn't finish fast enough. I drink a lot of beer. - Punched you? - Yeah, 'cause he pushed me, so I punched him, fell asleep, and I was like, "You fuck, yeah, I got that shit." I didn't know I had it, wow. I didn't know I had that, and yeah, one guy. - The jack guy here, fuck. Yeah. I might have a lot more, but I'm nervous dog. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna think about it. I got Melissa, and I was like, "Nine." - Okay, let's talk about that. - He was a family friend, and then he bought me shit afterwards, why didn't he give a fuck? - I was just gonna say, my next question was, is how does food connect to this? Did he literally give you candy afterwards? - No, it was hot wheels, and the little homies, if there's Latinos out here, they know. - The homies? - Yeah, he bought me a pack of clothes. - You have a mic, Michael? Can you explain what a little homie is? - Homie. - For us, this is our senior Latino correspondent, ladies and gentlemen. - I'm in high school, I'm in high school. - Our little action figure, Cholo. - I think I'm blocking them, hold on, I'm sorry. - Check, check, you hear me? - Yeah. - So, little homies are little tiny action figures of actual Cholo people. - Like little Cholo. - Yes, little tiny Cholo. - Yeah, little Cholo, yeah. - And this, this is a true story. - Our senior fat correspondent was jumping in in my pocket air, yeah, it's a little action piece. - They were the supermarket in my neighborhood where I grew up. They had homies in one of those machines as the quarters, like the gumball. - Yeah, dude, yeah, yeah. - And there was a homie that was in a wheelchair. - Oh, ho, ho. - Really? - You know what, I'm gonna give them a golden ticket right now, where is this little homie? - Okay, shot, it is drive by apparently. And I spent $10,000 in quarters to get the wheelchair homie one. - The homies are very progressive back then, before it was popular, hell yeah. They love everybody. - Did they come with little accessories like pineapple soda and-- - Oh, we don't have that much money, dog. It was just the pack of 12. They had a little car, a little hot wheel car. Bad ass. - I just did quiet 'cause it was dope. - Oh my goodness, amazing, hobby. Well, congratulations. You did it, you, you got a big film. - Oh, yes. - There you go, pal. - Happy job, hunky, hello. - Happy job, hunky. - Hello. - Thank you. - Toritos and burritos. - Happy Malone has arrived to the Killtony universe. All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's switch up. Let's switch up the tone a little bit in here, everybody. We have a regular who does a brand new minute every single week. It's diabolical to do that in your career, publicly in front of millions of people. Very top-shop to write a new minute every week. Ladies and gentlemen, he was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set. Bye. Hendrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. (audience cheering) - No, I love you guys. (audience cheering) Live advice, relationship advice. If you love a girl, if you seriously love a girl, stay away from the girls that don't like her, 'cause they'll pick out of flawed or ruin your entire relationship. Last year, I thought I was gonna marry this girl, Brittany, and I went to my best friend, Emily, and I was like, "I think I want a married Brittany." And she said, "Ugh, you mean that giraffe, Nick, bitch." (audience laughing) I was like, "She ain't got no giraffe, Nick." But so I went to Instagram immediately, and I started scrolling, and I was like, "Damn." (audience laughing) She do got a long ass, Nick. (audience laughing) She even got freckles on her neck. It looked like the spots like on a giraffe. (audience laughing) She do be deep-throated, you know what I'm saying? Like, she do laugh effortlessly. (audience laughing) Why she eats salad in every photo? (audience laughing) Bitch, her herbal voice. (audience laughing) Also, this is just one picture. (audience laughing) Which, you don't get to eat right there. You kind of barrel it inside you, and then you get into a fight, and it come out. And she's like, "I don't have to stand white. "You can't take out the trash." I'm like, "I don't know why I'm dating a zoo animal, Brittany." (audience laughing) You know what, you've been a real bitch since you lost your job, and twice I russ. (audience laughing) 'Cause Jeffrey, the judge, twice I russ is real, 'cause, you know what I'm talking about? (audience cheering) (laughing) (audience cheering) So we broke up. (audience laughing) That's about time, I love y'all. Thank y'all for that. (audience cheering) One minute, 53 seconds. (audience cheering) Going more than he has to almost every set, Dejric, you've done it again. Very, very funny. Millions of people watching. How do you feel, Dejric? I feel so fucking good. (audience laughing) It feels so, thank y'all so much for coming and loving me, it's all the nice shit y'all sitting to me online, y'all giving me gifts all the time. I don't even ask for 'em. That's how me and Mike ended up with these bobcat tails from this street with, oh my gosh. I get slingshot sent to me, I get a, they got an automatic slingshot, they're sending to me. It's got like a clip, and when you put it in, it's just like you can just keep fucking a nigga. Oh wow, this is fucking a nigga, huh? That's how I came. Oh boy, don't do crime around me. (audience laughing) Order boneless wings if you want to one in the neck, nigga. Grow up. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? I know exactly what you're talking about. I did, however, look out. It's some white people in the crowd looking very confused. This woman in glasses here now smiling. Yeah. Now turning it on. Uncross your arms, I don't like your energy. All right, this fucking half phone we're talking about, slingshots, grow up. Looks like the type of lady that probably marched in a Black Lives Matter rally, but now that there's an actual Black man in front of her, just looks confused and scared at the same time. Seems like it would really hurt if you shot someone in the neck with a slingshot. I wouldn't personally do that because like I think, I think passive of fuck you, dude. (audience laughing) I just thought, I love you, but like you're at it, dude. You can cross your arms, I'm still, you paid to be here. I'm paid to be here, it's you. (audience laughing) I'm just playing, I don't like that. I don't like that, that's not me. I don't know who that was. (audience laughing) I don't know who that was, that is not me. Oh man, oh man, we're supposed to get paid to do this. (audience laughing) Yeah, no. (audience laughing) What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah, no way, Jose. (audience laughing) No, it's like an age thing on there. He only pays like the young comics. (audience laughing) Oh, sorry, we always talk shit. We not doing, we promised we weren't gonna do this, I'm sorry. I know. I don't know who this is coming out of my box. I don't know what I'm doing. You get real mean? I'm not David Lucas, I am not, I'm not, I don't do this. We need an ex or something. I love your new glasses, your outfit looks amazing. Your skin is glowing, are you doing karate? You look good. Are you doing karate? I love that you got fronts put over crooked teeth. You didn't get the teeth starting out, you just said, "Nap, just put it at the way they are." You don't have back teeth, Joe. I didn't know that, this is the stupid math teacher. Your shit is rotted out in the bag and we've been talking about it. Don't do this, 'cause you know-- You're doing it again, I don't know an hour from now on. Oh, demand, this is bad, kid. Oh, yes. I brought in a special guest referee for this battle, The Madness Ladies and Gentlemen. Don't fuck me up, Joe. You don't need word for friends now. This is what he does. You get, you-- You're gonna be blacked out of the bar an hour from now going, you know, I love you, dude. Yeah, I know. Yo, I love you, man. I'm gonna do it. I do do that. If you say I'm blind, that's-- By the way, that's-- that's-- that is true. That's 100%. That will be 100%. That will be happening. Go to Missy's, I'll apologize to Joe in front of everybody that's there. That do be happening. With the great Dejric Flynn, we always have fun wrapping it up at the end of the night. What else is going on, Dejric? Anything else crazy? Bitch, I'm going to LA. Yes, we are. We going to do the kill tonight in LA. I got shows coming up in San Antonio, Houston, Orlando, Miami. And then, bitch, I'm a headline in the festival in Oakland, now with Japan. Daddy wear a waaah! [LAUGHTER] Wow. I'm getting arrested in Japan. Wow. That is amazing. Trying to-- trying to-- trying to do it. This is fucking ninjas and shit in the mold. Yeah. Yeah. That's a real gig you're doing? Yeah. We need you going to Japan. In the May, all throughout June. I'm doing a hot and safe time. It's his festival out in the Okinawa. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's me to come headline it. I said, yes, before he could stop because I really want to go to Japan. Wow. My nephew actually-- my nephew's getting born in Japan from my adopted Japanese sister. Gracie, she's having her baby in Japan. So the day I land, I get to go meet my new nephew. What's Gracie's Instagram? You red-band. Red-band. Why dad? Why dad? She shit. What? You red-band. You watch yourself before I fucking love you harder. All right? I love you guys. See, I'm not even roasting anymore. What am I doing? You're amazing. Dedric, we love you too. Great. I love you! Great new one. Minute 53 seconds on the Great Dedric Flynn. He makes it look easy. He does this every week. Some of these people-- this is their first time on this-- so that they wait for years. Some people 10 years. Some people five this. But yes, to do it every week, unbelievable. Like your next bucket pool, we will figure out what's going on here, as we meet them all together, make some noise for Brock White Lions, everybody. Yeah, what the fuck is up, Austin? I got a hot wife, believe it or not. And if you don't believe it, then fuck you. I pulled it off, and you can too, despite my average looks. A low average bank account, I got a hot wife, you just got to follow these easy tips. Tip number one, find you a gorgeous girl with gross feet. A wife's feet are disgusting, y'all, but I suck those toes. I know they're the only thing between me and some ugly bitch in open-toed shoes. Tip number two makes people uncomfortable, but it's the best tip I'll give it to you anyway. Everyone's bragging these days, they got their animal from a shelter, adopt, don't shop. I got my woman from a woman's shelter. I don't get enough credit for that. Thank you. Such a funny joke there at the end. Somehow I'd never heard anything like that, that's incredible. How long have you been on stand-up? Like maybe two and a half, three years. I swear I. Lafayette Louisiana. Hell yeah. What do you do for a living out in Lafayette? I work off shore, so I mostly live out there, and there's no open mics. What are you doing, the oysters, the shrimp? What do we got out there? What type of stuff happening out on the bio? Nah, I'm getting-- I love it. Let's go, and when I say let's go, I mean GEAEX. So you know what I mean? I don't know. Oh, you just got to give me chills, Doc. I work in oil field, I work off shore, so I get oil for the cars. He's checking with Mike Fenoya here. You haven't blinked the whole time up here, and you've got-- That's kind of my thing, that's part of our culture, we don't blink a lot. What culture is that, zombie? I was just trying to not be phased, actually, I'm freaking out right now. That's the truth. I normally like the blink. I blink, dog. I swear. But you got-- Every time you blink, I'm a blinker. You got eyes like manhole covers. Thank you. My mama used to say that, bro. What does-- I know, I taught her it. Showed a rose. Why did you keep saying I work off shore? It means I work not on land, but in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. There's oil under the water, too, Joe. There's oil under water, as well. We're on shore. Hey, you know where the shore is? Off shore. Off the shore. Like, say this is the shore. We're here, he's there. Hey. Well, let's just say we now know Joe DeRosa is not trans. That's it. But he is for target, everybody's. When I was the oil under the wallow. I was the oil under the wallow. You said you weren't off shore. Under the oil under the wallow. You fucking twat. Fuck you. Fuck you. Also, Tony, for the record, off shore, they say Joe DeRosa is trans. Whoa, look at that. Time to get off shore for you. I love getting sucked off. I love getting sucked off shore. I love to have shore. That really blew up in my face. I thought I had him with the off shore thing. I was wrong. Yeah, you made him like you today found out. They would like you and today found out. That makes perfect sense if you're the coaching the football team that the water boy played on. Doesn't he kind of look like a relief pitcher? Yeah, for sure. He looks like one of those relief pitchers that they play like Metallica for when he comes out and all the lights up. No pitching for your Detroit Tigers. White lion. Strike three. It'd be Wu Tang, though, not a Metallica. All right. So let's, Brock, let's talk about what type of shifts when you have to go off shore. Is that for a long period of time at a time? So when I'm lucky, yes, sometimes like 14 and seven, but sometimes I'm poor because I got a lot of time off. 14 and seven. What is that? 14 days off shore. There you go. Seven days on shore. There you go. And then you do that again and again and again. Yes, sir. If I'm lucky. Okay. What's your love life like? You got a girl waiting? I'm married. I got a hot wife. Like I said. Oh, yeah. That is true. You did say you have a hot wife. Red bands should follow her. That would make her night. Red bands trying to do the math on when you're gone 14 days right now. Trying to figure out your next shift so that he could slide into where fucking Louise is. Hey, dude. Hey, do you think comedy is funny? Because I work in the comedy business. Have you heard of the J.O.B. Guess who started up? I told Joe what a podcast was and then he's like, let's do it, buddy. She'd be your lit. She'd be proud, whatever. All right, what is it? All right. Relax. Come on. All right. How do you trust your wife around all those black men in life? The question of the little ones. That's why I chose this outfit is, you know, to compete with the competition, you know what I'm saying? Really something else. Even de-mandness. That's an aggressive shirt. A goblin's away, Jersey. Shout out to the goblin's, though. Yeah. Shout out. Brock, what's like the craziest trouble you've ever been in? You ever get in a little bit rowdy out there in Lafayette? Yeah, I've been in jail a few times. For what? Let's rattle it off here. Let's see. I mean, DUIs, drug possessions. I did some burglies, but I got to wait with those. Oh, let's talk about, let's talk, I love finding out. This is a new thing on this show. I love finding out when people get away with things. I love finding out. I got a case waiting for me right now and late Charles. What? DUI, case. Oh, okay, DUI. Let's talk about the burglaries that you got to wait with. What exactly did you rob? Well, we didn't get in, so. Who's we? You and one of our friends, they had one teacher. How many friends? Like maybe three. Okay, this is a, I'm ashamed of this. I'm not proud. Right. She was a rich lady, so she volunteered taught. She didn't even get paid. Yep. But she invited us to her house and she was like, "Yo, don't touch that pillow, it's a thousand dollars." Uh-huh. And me and my friends were like, "Yo, her pillows are a thousand dollars." Yeah. And then she went on vacation. And she told a whole class, she was going on vacation. So we tried to break in, but she had good alarms. Yeah. Yeah. People with a thousand dollar pillows, you know what I have. Yeah. The only thing better than her pillows were her alarms. And so, we ran away and then she said a prayer for whoever broke in her house in class a week later. Oh, my God. And you had to pray along with it. That's it. For your own healing. Yeah. Wow. That's not really getting away with it. No. Get away with it. Oh, yeah. I got away with it. Get caught. What else? What else would we be like? We broke in due's houses and we thought we were going to get drugs, but we couldn't find the drugs. So we just turned our whole trailer upside down. And, uh. Did you find the drugs? No, no drugs. Wow. But I got away. She had a couple pillows. I didn't get in trouble for breaking into their house and looking for shit, so I feel like that's pretty good. Let's check in with Mike Fenoya. Um, what are you going to wear to court for this case? I see you wearing. All right. Hey, that's true sleep. Let's Tuxedo T-shirt. Uh, you're on it. It's the goblins. It's, uh. They won this week against the banana team. It's a goblins shirt with a tie. I had to assign my wife to buy me a court shirt. And so she sent me stuff on Amazon, and I picked one and now it is. It was on court. It's my court shirt, y'all. And y'all can get it when I beat this case. Anybody can have it who wants it. So let's talk about it. Let's do a little run through here. It's good to, uh, sometimes they do this for court cases. So what exactly are you being charged with a boat DUI? No, I don't. Believe it or not, I'm from the city. Oh, okay. From Lafayette, which is more urban, I don't fuck up boats. My grandpa was a rice farmer, but that was. A rice farmer? Yeah, okay. Profession rice. So he had boats. Absolutely. But I grew up in the city, no boats. Uh-huh. So it was a driving one. Right. And, uh. It was a Kia. A Kia DUI, I guess, you know. A driving one. Uh-huh. And, uh. I was doing a show in Lake Charles, and Lake Charles sucks. There's nothing going over there. They were lucky I was there. And I did a show, and I had a couple drinks, and I'm pretty responsible. How many's a couple? Five or six, seven? No. It wasn't even a lot. I'm pretty reformed. I'm married now, my wife's. Sure. But what's a couple? I know it's not two. I mean, the case is pending, but. Please, dude. Please, sir. Please let your lawyer do the talk. After maybe, like, June 13th, we'll talk about it, you know what I mean? Okay. But, seriously, though, like. All right, I'll tell you, 'cause I love you. Probably like five, six drinks, yeah. Right. Yeah. Um. And so, when. Did you hit anything? Or did they just let you up? No, they pulled me off, and not using my turn in signal, though. It's not enough crime, and, like, Charles, y'all. Yeah. Well, that's a good way to let the officer know you're drunk. It's called your turning signal. Turning signal? What's it called? -Did you offer him free shoes? -Not gonna turn it into the goblins. -Turn signal. -Oh, I thought it was turning, Superman. -No, don't say that in court. [ Laughter ] -So he got you for the signal. Lights go up, you're like, "Oh, fuck. Did you have any drugs on you or anything?" -Yeah, I had some weed, but it was in a -- It was in a pink grinder, it was my wife, y'all. -Okay, that's okay. Did it smell at all? Did he smell that? -Yeah, he smelled the alcohol because I panicked when they pulled me over. -Oh, I'm gonna get -- I'm gonna -- -It's free. Keep going. Keep going. It's coming out -- It's coming out after your court case. -This is not admissible. I threw it out on the floor. -Wait, you were drinking while you were driving? [ Cheers and applause ] -People go, "What's up with Tony and these interviews? Why does he go on and on with these people? What is he looking for? Why? Get him off stage and do it on too long. Get to the next bucket bowl, and then you find gold, my friend. You were drinking while driving, and you were move. When you saw the police lights, I was, "Oh, fuck. You've grown around the car?" -Yes, sir. -Absolutely fucking unbelievable. If that was in a comedy movie, people would be like, "Well, nobody would fucking do that." And meanwhile, here we are. You're like, "I shouldn't say, Tony. I got a case coming up." It's so fucking real. God, this show is amazing. -It is. -And you are completely stupid. [ Laughter ] It is unbelievable. Out of all the DUI stories in 13 years on this show, I don't think it gets better than, "Oh, fuck, man. It's going to smell this alcohol. I got a year in it." -Well, I didn't want to fall in it. -There's no way he's going to take a sniff of this empty cup in the cup holder. -By the way, and no evidence, though. Hold on, there's no way, by the way. You try to play it off like you had three drinks. -Wow. -Don't be drinking the third drink while they're driving. You're drinking the 15th drink. -It was just six, like Tony said. -That makes six drinks. -I'm sick. -I can tell when a person thinks their behavior. -Fingles in a double glass. -It's also Louisiana. Three drinks could be like three hurricanes. -You can really drink a yard of drain. -Yes, sir. Why is your passenger seat blue? -I only had about six meters of drink today. You were making the wrong decision at every turnings. -Yeah, but I hired a lawyer. He's drinking a drink called Alligator Jizz and fucking food juice. -I was having some of the guava goblin juice. Next thing, you know, this cop's telling me, "I didn't use my turnings." -You carrying signal. -You can't arrest me, I'm offshore. -Yeah. -You're on land right now, sir. -Yes. -Let's go. -Is your wife's name Cosmo? -Yes, Cosmo Elizabeth. -I already know her. -How's that possible? What's going on? What's happening? Explain to the people. -I've got to pretend to make a lot of messages. -All right, dog, whatever. -Oh, you looked up his Instagram like a real fucking creep. -Right, Reddit. -All the black guys from there, she's picking Red Man. That's insulting. -She spell Elizabeth with an S? -Yes. -Because it's on his arm and I want to make something. -Oh, my God. -That's my girl, Elizabeth. -She's beautiful, though. She isn't. -Okay, Red Man, to the love of fucking God. -Is there Wu Tang font, Tony? -I can tell. -There's two things if ever. -What are they? -Wu Tang and Elizabeth, though. -Wow. They immortal Elizabeth. She's never going to be in a graveyard while a fat Amish guy's getting his dick sucked. She's going to live forever, just like the Wu Tang. -Cash definitely does not rule everything around you. That's one thing with the truth. -I work off, sure, you'd be surprised. -I know. -Well, Brock White Lions, very, very fun set. Very fun interview. We like your style. Come back, sign up again sometime, all right? There he goes. The kilp Tony debut of Brock White Lions, everybody. -Oh, la la. One more time for the lovely Heidi. Back to the bucket, we go, everybody. Your next comedian goes by the name of Megan Knight, everyone. Here we go. [applause] My husband and I are going through couples therapy. It's kind of like a threesome for people who hate sex. It's weird for me. I live in Texas where a therapy's only okay if it's to heal a bone or stop being gay. My husband thinks I work too hard. I'm a health and fitness coach. Looking at the people here in Texas, I'm obviously not working hard enough. My husband's an under employed musician. Now I'm doing stand-up on a podcast. We're basically trying to austen each other to death. He's one of the few people who's been both a go-go dancer and a gay club and a country western singer. Unless you count the guy that shows up at Lindsey Graham's house in different outfits. You actually tried organizing a stand-up show once, but it was just like when we have sex. Nobody came. [applause] And yet, he's still recorded it. [laughter] [applause] Megan at night. 57 seconds. Megan night? Night or night? I guess it doesn't matter. Megan, what? Welcome. Hmm. Approximately 56 seconds. First set ever. I love it. [applause] It seems like you and your husband are going through it, huh? How long have you been with this guy? About five years. Okay. Where'd you meet? Facebook. Okay. Wow. Five years. Facebook. All right. You guys are 70 years old or something? Yes. Amazing. What does he do for a living? He is a musician. And what do you do for a living? Health and fitness coach. That's right. You mentioned all that. Is he like a good musician? He really is. Yes. He's a vocalist. For a famous band or something? Not, I mean, to me, yes. To you, yes. Venturi, yes. Are you sure he's not struggling at all being a musician? I did say under-employed. [laughter] Wait. So, yes? Yes. So, you're the main provider in the relationship? No. You make more money than him? Equal. Equal. It seems low. No. Low amount of money. Face. Where do you live? Here in Austin. Hell, yeah. For how long? About three years. Okay. What made you want to start stand-up here to me? Just make fun of your husband. [laughter] Is part of your therapy or something? Yeah. One of his goals for 2026 was to do stand-up. So, I had to beat him to it. I love it. Wow. It's amazing. I've never seen anything quite like this before. Amazing. Megan, what's the fattest person you've ever had to pretend like you're going to make their life better? It's showed up to you. And it's like, "Oh, me, I'm fit, Nathan Hill." Oh, gosh. Real talk? Yeah. Probably 300 pounds. Okay. What were you able to do with? I didn't know you read "Banwin" to you. [laughter] So proud of you for trying to get help. What were you able to do? Did they lose any weight or did they not show up on the third training session? I'm guessing. I bet they do, too. You ended up quitting and went on a GLP. Oh, I bet that's happening a lot lately. Is that messing up your business? Is a fitness trainer? Just fat people just injecting themselves in the neck with fat stuff? [laughter] Honestly, no. Typically, my clientele has like 30 pounds to lose. Yeah. You still need the foundation. And what exactly do you tell them to do red? Tell 'em red band what exactly? How would you recommend red band losing 30 pounds? [laughter] He's been on, "I'm not kidding you." He's lost six pounds in two weeks. Is that right? Hold on. Hold the applause. Let me tell you the diet he's on. This is true. I'm not kidding. I'm not joking. He's been exclusively only eating. This is not bad. He was eating before. For the last two weeks, he's lost six pounds by only eating sandwiches everybody. He's on the sandwich diet. And it's working. His body cannot believe the amount of health on being through his veins. My mentor, Jared, had a thing go on that eye. [laughter] He told me this the other night in a bar. He told me this the other night in a bar and he's going, "I just eat sandwiches and it's working." And it was literally like talking to a guy going, "I don't have a problem as his nose was bleeding." It's like red band. Not okay. It's literally like the creative. It's like the creative people going, "I'm off a hero." Yeah. "I'm doing great sandwiches only." You want to go do some prevalent in the bathroom? [laughter] I love it. What's the bread of choice that you're going with for the other fat fuck- It's my sourdough baby's egg. Come on. Wow. Hourdough, ladies and gentlemen. [laughter] All right. Do that anymore. Megan, what kind of food would you recommend? for fat people listening. (audience laughs) Do you, is there just nutrition you're thinking too, or are you mostly just pumping? - Yeah, no, there's like pink weights like that or something like that. - Oh, pink weights, come on. - Huh. - No. - And why do you think Austin and your Juggie, you think Austin's not healthy? 'Cause I feel like Austin's one of the healthiest cities ever. There's so much hiking and fucking fitness here, and honestly, I think. - You insane? - Yeah. (audience laughs) - The side dishes here are white bread and pickles. (laughs) - For you, pig. (audience laughs) - I'm talking 'cause of all the vomiting and up. - He doesn't have a side of white bread and pickles. That's part of the main meal. You can't have a side of bread and pickles when you're on trade. - A sandwich is bread and pickles. (audience laughs) - Losing weight from only eating sandwiches, and everybody goes, "What were you eating before?" He goes, "So much fried food." So it really is. He's upgrading by only eating sandwiches, so. There you go. One day, very soon it'll just be me up here. And I'll be doing sound effects and time. - Oh, I can't handle all this pressure. Well, what's your girlfriend's Instagram account? (audience laughs) - Fart noise, fart noise. - Piff, piff, piff, piff, piff. (audience laughs) - Now, he's gonna outlive me, no doubt about it. Look at him. He doesn't like you. (laughs) Oh, Megan. - I like your bangs. - You have, for a first time standup, you had very good jokes. All things, like seriously, it's not an easy thing to do. You had some good jokes. Just next time you do it, memorize your jokes 'cause you're not gonna get out of your head or out of your own way if you're reading off a paper. And then also when you're new, it looks like you don't give a shit. I'm not saying, I don't mean that critically, I mean it constructively. Like, if you memorize your jokes, you'll get looser, they'll hit harder, and you're gonna get even better. But the people were seeing you glance at the paper 'cause the big piece of paper, and you could've just even written it on the inside of your wrist. I see some bad tattoos there. You could've just etched him in. We would've thought it was part of your tattoo and then it looks kind of normal. You could just give a little glance, you could've snuck it. And tell the punchlines to the back of the room. You were kind of looking down almost like you were coily. - But it's your first time. But how did it make you feel? What was unexpected about your first time? The lights are brighter than you expected. - Maybe a little. Can't really see a whole lot going on over there. - It's better that way. - It is better that way. - He madness, do you agree with, all right. - So much fun. - I know. I know. Same old joke every goddamn time, I'm sorry. - No, I had it all memorized. I just, you know, stayed right. I'm a blackout. I just forget everything. - It happens. Well, your first time is officially up, and here's a little joke book coming out. Oh, great catch. Hard draw on my card. - Make a night, everybody. On to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It's Laila, everyone. Here comes Laila. (upbeat music) - Hello. Hi. I should have peed earlier. (audience laughs) It's like an insane. Don't you think that Nike's Logan, just sounds a little passive-aggressive? Because I remember hearing it the first time. It was when my husband and I were fighting, and he said to me, "If you spit on my mother's photo one more time, bitch, I'll divorce you." So go ahead, he said, "Just do it." (audience laughs) I did. It worked. He divorced me. This slogan actually works every time I use it. One time my close friend texted me at 3 a.m. at night. He said, "No one loves me. "I'm gonna kill myself tonight." (audience laughs) I was very tired that night, sleepless. It was the first day of my period, and I said, "Listen, man, just do it." (audience laughs) Okay, did. Thank you. - Laila, welcome, Laila. Hello. - Hi. - Hell yeah, you're doing it. You are shaking and-- - Yes. How long have you been doing stand-up? - One year. - One year. Where are you been doing that at? - It's mostly cold town theater, honestly. And one-- - Where? - Cold Town Theater, open mics there. - Oh, okay. - And place, okay. - Yeah, and it's a, the Lvita room. - Okay, so you're doing it here in Austin, Texas. Where's that accent from? Where are you from? - I am from Azerbaijan. - What? (audience laughs) Azerbaijan. It's next to Armenia, and Armenia, Georgia, Turkish-- - What's it called again? - Huh? - Say it again. - Azerbaijan. - Okay, all right. - Parmesan. - It's the sa-- (audience laughs) - Parmesan. Delicious country. - It is. - As-- - As wild. - It's just like, I would watch Borat, and I'd be like, "Come on, that's not real." (audience laughs) - That's amazing. - Yes. - That's amazing. - So what made you want to start stand-up a year ago, Laila? - It's very simple. I'm a woman, and I dated a man. He was a stand-up comedian. We broke up. - Ah. - Yeah, and I don't have any identity, so I was like, "I'm just gonna do what he did." Yes. (audience applauds) - Nice ass. - Wow. Unbelievably honest dancer from Laila. You're such a genuine person. I think it really helps your entire everything. The hello, high in the beginning, you took your time, you should have peed before this, made you very human, you connected with the people. It seems like you have a great fundamental understanding kind of how comedy works. - Oh, thank you so much. I'm on my period right now. (audience laughs) - See what I mean? - Right. The vulnerability, the realism of it all. - Absolutely incredible. Are you like this when you're not on your period? - I look angrier when I'm not on my period. - Wow, reverse. People from Aj-Bajan are different. Aj-Bajan, they're on their period, they're happier. - He's what? Thank you Red Band. Absolutely crushing tonight. Talk more, please. Please, this fucking Christ dude. - Isn't there a wacky fucking Middle Eastern sound effect that you can think of? - He's fucking Christ. - Layla, what do you do for a living? - I make dildos. - No, you don't. No way. No way. - No way. This is true. - I should have peed before. (laughs) - What do you mean you make dildos? Because I buy dildos, so I mean, this makes us a perfect couple, Layla. - Yeah. - You make actual dildos in a factory or at home? - I sketch them. - Draw dildos. - Yeah, you have to do the outline for the dildos that are made? - Then you want that, that are going to be made. - You are the designer of dildos? - Yes. - Holy shit. - Oh my God. - Wow. - It seems like a hard job to be original. - It's a crazy, we went from talking about sourdough and people. - Buramaslem girl, yeah. - And now it's dildo and sourdough with pickles, dildo. What are the odds of that? If you had that at DraftKings, using the promo code Geltzone, you just made $9 billion. So how many dildos do you think you've designed? - It's 20 maybe, 20, yeah. It's actually easier to design fantasy dildos. Like you don't have to see any dicks or anything. Like you just fantasize about them because you haven't seen them in a long time. So that's how I make them. - Wow. And so there's a printing company or a factory that makes your wishes come true. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) - That's the unbelievable. (audience cheering) - Wow. - Unbelievable. (audience cheering) Oh, fantastic. (audience cheering) - I know all about it. I work at the end of the assembly line. I get on all fours and they check them in my ass before they put them in the box. And I go, "It's good, it's good, that's good, that was good." That's another winner. Keep them coming. (laughing) - Can I get a dream job? (audience laughing) - Can I get a mission at a dildo? - I'm you. - Can I get a custom? - Yes, yes. - Do you design one that's attached to a woman who used to be a man? (audience laughing) Do you need the face too to that? Why not? Okay. Wow, incredible. What's the biggest dildo you've ever designed if you could show us with your fingers? Like, uh, fingers. Length hands. Hands as they're called in Ashtagash. Gosh. Uh, the biggest, uh, like this. Oh! There to there? Wow. What was it called? Black. The black edition. Tony, I got Janice's sweet little combo box. It's a big one. A little one and a small one. They're all black. And they pause it. It's called the barber shop. It's highly recommended. Very good. There you go. Another unbelievable thing from Redban. Who's clearly losing his fucking mind tonight. It's on Amazon. Great. Yes, I believe you. No one gives the fuck out. There's nothing to do with the person up here and everything that's happening. Very good. Go check out Redban's dildo blog, everybody. Awesome. I was like, are you trying to get like free ones? No, I already got it. Just stop. Jesus. He's right. He's going on glories on a diet of peanut butter and jelly. Get this man a grilled cheese. Unbelievable. The favorite sandwich. Unbelievable. The uncrustable Brian Redban. Unbelievable. Layla, what's your love life like? I don't know. You're with no one since you broke up with the comedian a year ago. Is that the gist I'm getting? Yeah. Well, I started seeing another comedian after that. And we didn't. It wasn't even a situation. It was like, hug me and she. She just wanted to hug. Is the female? No. He just wanted to hug. He looks gay. Yeah. But he's a man. He's a man. He just, yeah, I wanted to hug. And then he said, I'm back with my ex. I don't want to hug anymore. So that was. Honestly. You shouldn't date any more comedians because you're going to be funnier than all of them. That's true. It's going to be a lot of jealousy. That is true. It's true. They're just going to drag you down and be jealous. It's amazing. Go ahead, Joe. I was just trying to. I think you might have said it already. How long have you been doing comedy? One year. One year. You're really fucking good. Yeah. Yeah. Really great. Joe's trying to be the next comedian. Yeah. Uh-oh. I need some co-tails to ride. I need some dildos to ride. Two. No, I'm serious. You're really, really funny. Like, you're off to a very, very strong start. Yeah. You're going to be very good. Be yourself. You're going to kill it. It means a lot. Thank you. All right, Laila. You're leaving here with a big joke. But congratulations. There you go. The debut of Laila. Everybody. She could draw a Q3's pipeline in that notebook. Her social media is Ha-Han Hanova. Adam Lucky, who had a great set earlier, is Adam Lucky with an E before the Y in Lucky. You guys still having fun out there, huh? We're coming around the mountain now. We're coming around the corner. Your next bucket bull goes by the name of Mickey Genosi, everybody, or Mikey Genosi. What's going on, Austin? I've been living here for a couple months now, and everything my favorite thing about Texas is your guys' lingo. Like, I love how you guys call all your thick latinas tortas down here. You know, because that's just a Mexican sandwich. How have we not started doing that with all of the races? Like, if you hook up with a big Asian girl, you could be like, "Yeah, I fucked a steam bun last night, I. " I took home a bond me, you know? If you're talking about a big white girl, you could be like, "Yeah, Becky was hot in high school, but once she got married and had a couple kids, a bitch is a straight hoagie now, you know? God damn." If you're talking about a big black girl, you could be like, "Man, this girl didn't look anything like her online profile picture." I thought I'd mash with this busty African queen on hinge, but when she showed up, she was a catfish po-boy, you know? I got one more, can I do one more? I know it's not a race, but I do have one for little people. You're in a bachelor party, and you're like, "Hey, did you hear it? Jake fucked that thick-midget stripper last night." You'd be like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, man, you can't say that." It's 2026, you got a pupe regressive. You know they prefer to be called "sliders now." Fuck out. Absolutely perfect. Mickey Genosi. That's correct. Hell yeah, welcome, welcome. Nine years. I love it, we're at Cleveland. Whoa! Up there at Hilarities, huh? Yep, Hilarities is my home club. Shout out Hilarities, man. I love Hilarities. I love Hilarities. I was in the country. We love it. We love it. Absolutely awesome. What do you think, Mike? A lot of sandwich humor. Yeah. Got red band. Heart is a rock over it. A horny ass, he's been all fucking day. Uh, so, uh, Mickey, you're born and raised in Cleveland? Accurate originally, but lived in Cleveland for like the last five years. There you go. I was right in between you there in Youngstown. Uh, how old are you? I am 32. 32. Okay, incredible. What do you do for work? I sell mortgage products. Ooh, mortgage products? Yeah, I basically destroy people's equity. That's what I do in their house. Amazing. People in Cleveland that really, really are strong. No, all over the country. Okay, good. Good. At least we keep it spread around. What's your love life like, Mickey? Uh, I was in a long term relationship and we tried to do long distance and we just had to kind of cut it off. So, yeah, when did that end? A couple months ago. Okay. And what have you been doing since then? Are you excited about it? If you've met anyone, if you talked with anyone, are you on any of the apps? No, I'm just trying to focus on like getting booked and everything right now. And I feel like everything else was just kind of falling to place, you know? So, nothing, nothing yet. Nothing here in Austin. How long you been here? I've been here for about seven months now. So, no, I'm just chillin' right now. So, you moved here seven months ago? Yep. Have you kissed a girl since you've been here? I have not. Well, let me tell you something. Can we get the ready interior lights on real quick? Because we have a segment on this show for the last 13 years called Kiss Me. Whoa, we already got one standing up. Here she comes everybody like a lucky price is right winner. This bitch was ready. Holy shit. Wow, my friend. You are about to get your first Texas Kiss. And everything's bigger here in Texas, including the Herpes. You're about to get Mickey Genosi. This is very exciting. This show, he's putting gum in his mouth. I gave him a cinnamon. Ladies and gentlemen, his first kiss. Get Mickey Genosi out. Get a dickhead. The crowd goes wild. Oh, my God. Oh, man. This is Piltoni. We are the number one live podcast in the world. And it's brought to you by Shopify, Tacobas, and Saley. That was legit. That was fucking legit. I gave you a cinnamon, and now she has it. Yeah, she has it. It's amazing. That bitch almost ate your head off, Mickey Genosi. She's signing a waiver right now. Last time a lady came on to do that, she refused to sign the waiver. So we had to blur out, and it was the worst fucking kiss imaginable. She did like a peck on the cheek, and she's like, "Peek." Whatever. She was a lot hotter than whatever that haggard thing was. But you got very lucky there. That is incredible. She signed. I'll give a shit, you know. I'm not judging. What? I said, "I'm into it. I don't give a shit." I love it, hell yeah. You were doing good. Yeah, you almost got pregnant from that kiss. That was incredible. There was a lot of bodily fluids exchanged. How about what's your. She went in the wrong row. What's your name, sweetheart? How about a hand for a step, everybody? Oh, stepping up in a real team player. She's back with her boyfriend. Some dude's going to be picturing his. When he's fucking or later, he's going to think of your sperm head. He's not that dumb. I just want to say that guy has hair, too. So she obviously has a thing for bald guys. So that's. You let it rip. Okay, turn the lights back down. Very. Not him. All right. So, Mickey, how do you feel now? I feel great, man. Hell yeah. You had a great set. You did it all on one subject. Your materials tight. Everything was good. Even earned a little extra time there to finish your. Your sliders joke, which is great. Everything's great. I would shorten the setups just a little bit. Like, you're like right there. You don't have to even do a midget. Like a setup thing. You can just go. You can find a device to get to those punches even quicker. You know, I cooked up with a midget girl. She was a real thick midget girl. She was a real fucking slider. You know, like, Bing, Bing, Bing. Just find ways. It's tricky out there, you know, when you're on the road and stuff. Again, you know, starting at the store and being around the grates. What you learn is short, short, short, short, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. How do you get there faster? And you have such. Great. Such a great premise. how many like that you have that some people like to extend out those one subject bits but in all reality boom boom boom boom and then you're on to the next one the next one the next one because you if you can write a minute about sandwich torta girl things like that and that you can pretty much write about anything with that great brainier so congratulations oh thank you man I appreciate here's the here's a big joke book to Mickey Genosi everybody is killed Tony debut I'm pretty sure it's all debuts tonight except for Adam lucky who ripped the roof off the joint it's a fun show you guys having as much fun as I am I love this all right might be our last bucket pool tonight make some noise for Austin Gerstens vlogger Austin Gerstens vlogger thank you my name is Austin Gerstens vlogger I just realized I look exactly like how my last name sounds I haven't gone to the same barber for a while I keep telling her I want to look more youthful I think she thought I meant Hitler youthful all right now last time I saw her at a mustache she's like I think we should just take a little bit off the sides go for that Charlie Chaplin Michael Jordan look you know let's see I recently moved back on with my grandparents that's that's been a lot of fun no it's cool I don't have to pay rent anymore I don't have to do my own laundry but the only woman I ever have over now is my grandma I know it's weird like the hardest part about having a woman over is when the sex gets really loud not to awkwardly knock on their door and ask my grandparents to be quiet alright that's been my time Austin Gerstens vlogger one of the most fun names to say in the history of the show oh yeah welcome Austin how long you been on standup two years two years we're at San Diego San Diego American you're new here do you still live in San Diego I still live in San Diego just here for the week I love it what you've been doing this week who just stand up just trying to hit mics eating barbecue it's been cool tell you and you kept it off your shirt oh yeah oh yeah yeah good job I think you're great man one of my only notes this just show business thinking you might want to change your name it sounds a little ridiculous yeah you might be good luck getting a business run run by the Jews to book what do you want to call it for Gerstens vlogger yeah what did he change it to eight off no way eight of each I mean get the bit out well you should have do shorter setups one thing I've learned from the great is that if you keep your setups real short you're gonna do the joke okay all right here we go start the clock red man you haven't changed your name because it sounds a little ridiculous and you might want to change your last name also I literally all that and I still don't get your joke I think his first name is ridiculous oh got it got it got it Christ come on wow wow sometimes the Jews ain't worth the sweets hey you leave the Jews out of it he doesn't like that kind of thing little fun fact for you die hard kill Tony fans I never make fun of the panelists so if Seinfeld Chris Rock Louis CK or Dave Chappell are watching which I know they do sometimes just know that Derosa is an exception to my rule one of my closest drinking buddies and I swear I will never make fun of you guys if you're on panel we make fun of the bucket bulls me definitely make fun of fucking reach art over here but I will never pick on you mr. Rock Seinfeld CK or Chappell remember that fair enough by you you fucking pick I have a I have a similar role oh yeah hold on let's start the count down usually I usually don't make fun of the host of the podcast I'm on except for you fucking retar we're really good friends we talk on the phone sometimes string the daytime crazy very short he likes to keep it long but I'm always like I got something to do someone's calling me I'm like Jesus anyway mr. Gerstin Slogger what's what are your parents like what's the Gerstin Slogger family like I mean is it as scary as we think it is oh yeah my dad was in prison growing up in prison oh yeah he was in prison growing up yeah the all the tattoos you know wow yeah in the prison was he working yeah no no he was in prison okay yeah I'm almost 17 he wasn't a teenager at the time I mean I'm really looking at the sky the eyes the hair I mean this is like literally Hitler's wet dream you would you would have been the his right hand man back in the day oh I feel like he could play sting in the police years in the documentary how about mom what's mom like school she's cool yeah she supports you doing stand-up oh yeah you have a real job as well oh yeah I do IT basically okay yeah all right you surf I body surf oh I'm kind of a pussy I'm not gonna really well I'm gay too I'm kidding I'm kidding all right Austin Gerstin Slogger isn't it fun you guys all want to say it let's do it on three one two three Austin Gerstin Slogger it's fun right all right Austin you're getting a big joke book I brought out of him up here we'll get you one in the back it's your way out all right let's squeeze in one last bucketful huh let's go to overtime just one you're fine no bucketful of the night ladies and gentlemen 60 seconds uninterrupted going to air and helps everybody air and help yeah look at this I learned this today um they're called unisex bathrooms because you can have sex in a one-time before they escort you out of TJ Max they were very adamant about the second time it was a no-go you know um I watch a pornography I was watching this video this lady nice lady I don't know fucking uh she was giving doing nice things to two gentlemen at the same time I and I'm fucking like it I didn't like to click yeah this like thumbs out that's just giving that lady too much power at any point in time she can be like you know what and now I'm a gay guy I'm just trying to get a blowjob my best friend now I'm into something new what she touches together it's like jumper cables it sparks I come I'm like I got to get out of this TJ Max they already do not like I'm under and healthy holy shit what the fuck Jesus Christ almighty what the fuck are you hello wow uh Aaron held slowly shit where have you been uh Baton Rouge Louisiana wow that rude that's where you live yeah still yeah how long you been on standup uh three years three year fuck yes good shit yeah you pulled my buddy Brock yeah we drove you together you guys drove here together and two different people from El Paso also were pulled tonight absolutely an amazing night for your trusty bucket of destiny he's my best black friend amazing Aaron you are so funny how much material do you think you have of that caliber solid 20 minutes wow we got to work hard there's not a lot of opportunities I mean there is but we got to travel hours to do like we got to make shit like count yeah it's a long trip how long I'm happy this I can work well what how long was that drive uh I'm like eight hours right why don't you do another minute you want to do another minute one more minute from Aaron hell I mean that minute was so fucking crazy I have to see another minute we got to see what's going on all right um me and my wife been together since uh we were 15 years old I'm 30 so it's been uh too long actually I think too long um we were the only people we've ever had sex with so when it came to sex we were like homeschool kids we weren't making a lot of shit up you know because I don't think I should be upside down for this and I'm like well it feels good so we're going to do that every time I pour white pesto leosis is terrible the neck brace and everything is keep keep going keep going a little bit more all right What do you guys think? Should we have him do a little bit more? What the fuck? Come here, Howard. I could ask boring interview questions, or we could have a great fucking stand-up do stand-up. I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I don't really care. If you wouldn't have clapped, we'd be fucking doing it anyway. Fucking give a fuck. One more time. Here's another minute from Aaron Heltz, everybody. Yeah, lay in, do it. That was a straight white man. I believe that Transborn is the straightest born, because, I mean, regular porn's 50/50. You get a woman and a man that's 50/50, but with Transborn, you can play with those percentages, you know? 60/40. You get a fucking trans-woman, regular woman, 75%. That's a lot of woman. Trans-man, trans-woman. You're back to 50/50. You're good. But it's like driving in England. It's like, you got to use to it. You know, the titties are on the other side. You just gotta. Wow. Crowd goes absolutely wild. Wow. Fucking excellent. Yeah. Excellent. Excellent, man. I mean, you came out so strong, I'm a sucker for like a good misdirection joke. The T.J. Max thing was fucking great. It really was, man. Yeah. And then you just kept getting better from there. And honestly, man, I love that you're like, you're almost like an edgy or like Jeff Foxworthy in the sense that like, you have these like edgy jokes, but you say them kind of clean. Yeah. Don't lose that. Don't lose that. I'm telling you, do not lose that. The fact that you're saying edgy shit, but you're saying it in like a friendly, clean way. That's fucking great, man. That's great. Don't lose that. It could just be the car heart and the mustache that's making it very fops where everybody than I am. You're incredibly likeable. And it's like, you're like, you got that thing where it's like, I want to hang out with this dude after. I appreciate that. Yeah, that's huge. Thank you. Just don't hang out with Joe, because, oh, what do you do for work, Aaron? I'm a firefighter. Wow. In, in Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. How long you been doing that for? 10 years. What's the craziest thing that has that you've seen out firefighting? Oh, man, it's Baton Rouge. I mean, other than like the sad like gang violence stuff, the craziest thing is I saw two drunk dudes like they've super drunk. Then they hugged each other goodbye at a bar. And then they got in the same car. Amazing. That's what Baton Rouge is up now. Amazing. Just looking at your bro, just being like, brother, we just might not make it home tonight. And that's how jazz fest started. Aaron, I find you unbelievably hilarious. And I think you've done Baton Rouge. A great thing here today. Ladies and gentlemen, that's a good and ticker. And it is going to Aaron Health to everybody. Aaron Health has arrived at the Kiltony Universe. That's how it goes, buddy. Great interview, great sets, multiple sets all at once. It's one of the first times I think I've ever done that, like that continuously. You handled the pressure perfectly, funny on your feet, unbelievably great stand-up. Congratulations, and welcome. We'll see you again real soon. That's as good as the goes, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Aaron Health. Almost didn't pull him, by the way. Almost went to our final regular at the night. And what a fucking way to finish. I mean, holy shit. That was amazing. That was amazing. Unbelievable. Honestly, no joke. I got a little teary seeing him hit the golden ticket. As I realize it, man, he'll be selling more tickets than I do in a week. It's true, too. I love it. All right. In episode like this, there's only one way to end it. And William Montgomery is sick. And Ari Maddie added dates to his thing. And Timmy no breaks his saving material. It takes a long time for Timmy to be able to generate the type of material that he does perform. So, boy, do I have good news for you. This regular, I think, is one of the most promising ones we've ever had in our entire fucking history. He's unbelievable. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from your new favorite comedian in the world. His name is Pat O'Neal, everybody. Folks. Hitler was born on 420. And boy, did he like smoking jays? (audience cheering) A lot of people aren't tick-tock now. Which just used to be what I said when I saw Muslims at the airport. Times were changing. Last year, my little brother, he was a part of the Queers for Palestine protests. Ah, yes, gay Muslims. Better known as ghosts. Okay. That's it. (audience cheering) Pat O'Neal, your new, I told you, he's your new favorite fucking comedian. We're not fucking around here anymore. This is the attitude era of Killtony. That is the greatest Hitler joke I've ever heard in my entire life. 20 fucking years I've been doing this goddamn shit. Waiting for that. Somehow it's been right there. Mike Fenoya. I've always wanted to see a David Lynch movie do stand up. Holy shit, that was fantastic. It's like terrifying but also very nice. Just like you. Just like you. Pat O'Neal, you are the real fucking deal. I mean, that joke, 40 some seconds of laughter. I thought about your stopping after that. It was great. It was great that you just segwayed right into a tick-tock. You got to lap off your setup by just jumping into something, which is just fucking great. Thank you. You are a joke Smith. It is incredible. All the way down to the finish. Huge laughs, the opener, huge laughs with the closer. I mean, you're fucking doing it. You're living the dream, buddy. How do you feel? Fucking fantastic. Yeah. The episode's coming out today. We're more regular. Fucking better. Yeah, we've taped a, we've taped quite a few ahead. But those who do the might not know, we take one break per year for a few weeks and that happens late May early June. So we tape ahead. We get a few episodes ahead so that we can actually take a once a year fucking little vacation while also putting out episodes every Monday. So what's amazing is your witnessing Pat O'Neal here. But people are finding out about him tonight. Yeah. On the episode airing right now. But he's killed so many times in a row that it's incredible. By the time they hear this, people are going to go, what the fuck? But then we're going to be back one week behind again. So a little fun fact. Last week we were talking at Mitzies after the show. And right, was it at Mitzies or was it on stage about the rent? Right? You were like, you like had to pay your rent? And you're like, look, I swear, I'm about to be famous as fuck. Stop working my job and then they ask for fucking pay stubs. I was like, I'm going to believe me, I'm going to be famous. It's funny because it's happening right now in real time on the internet. Here you are, killing again, alive. On one of our final tapings before that big break that we're very excited about. That was great, man. And I feel like you're living proof that, you know, people will comics. Older comics will bitch and go, oh, you can't do this subject anymore. You can't do that subject now. Hitler jokes. We've heard, no, it's like you're proof that it doesn't matter what the subject is. It matters how you write it and fuck and do it. Yeah, great. And the venue that you do it in, you could also do an unbelievably great set. It's like a political rally. But it might not get the love it deserved even if it's well written and well delivered. Super refreshing delivery to you dude. Yeah, amazing always fine. I have that shirt Yeah, when when you were at the fifth concert. Yeah, at the sphere I look like that about eight minutes. I love it. Pat O'Neil. I'm so excited. You're part of our goddamn dance Thank you for ooh new nickname the real deal pat O'Neil Great. There you go On to the next one and by that. I mean, that's it. We fucking did it. Let's check in with the drawing from Chris Rogers over there Ooh, it's Heidi Heidi after she gets a lot of work done for summaries, and I mean that looks like a fucking what is that her in 20 years? The fuck is he doing to you Heidi? Oh? My god Jesus Chris what the fuck? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what do you hate white women going on over there Brian J. Ebel's drawing is great guys See Mike Fenoya on tour. How fucking funny was Mike Fenoya's debut Mike Fenoya comedy.com. He's going everywhere. He's all over check out a show on Sirius XM the grateful dead channel It's called the Saturday Night Shakedown with Mike Fenoya Mike. You were fucking awesome. What a great first time on panel dude So fucking awesome, bro. Thank you. Uh, and how about one more time for the best Sam band in the land? I'm kidding one more time for Joe to roast everybody. Come on the man's amid Plug your stuff. I didn't get asked my new podcast violin horrendous is out now on YMH Please listen to it. Get it on my YouTube at Joe to roast a comedy. Thank you everybody Thank you red man. Thank you Tony. Thank you guys for having me Joe to roast is the man not only is he one of the great stand-ups in the world. Yeah, the rose garden plug that too Yeah, my new special. I never promised you a rose garden is also on my YouTube. Check that out as well That's a Joe to roast a comedy on YouTube. Joe to roast a comedy on YouTube You guys have to watch that special if you haven't go do that right now I never promised you a rose garden at Joe to roast a comedy on YouTube one of the best specials in recent time This episode was brought to you by Shopify Tacovas and say Lee our newest sponsor. We're very excited about red band Coming to San Diego, July 9th or 11th American comedy co.com. We love you guys God bless America. Thank you. Good night everybody (upbeat music) ♪ By the way, I can feel whiskey whole ♪ ♪ I, I, I, I, I ♪ (upbeat music)