#773 - FRANCISCO RAMOS + DERRICK STROUP

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, Hats, Mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's starting to go the best tonight in their fucking lives, huh? Thank you, it's a brand new episode. Oh, Lord, yeah, oh my God, I've got one more time for the best damn band in all the land, the Killtony band. Wave of Grintero's Tres Leches. On the horns, the great and powerful Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo and Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the great Matt Muleing on the electric, John D's on the keys and believe it or not, that is Demadness, the real Demadness, live in the flesh, but an episode we have. We have new microphones thanks to Sweetwater Audio, the great Ted Schaefer, I'm just giving us new wireings and stuff. And we have a hell of an episode ready for you. You guys excited to be here? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Let's do it. You know, sometimes it's booked this way, sometimes it's booked that way. What I love about tonight is it's two guests. One of them is, I mean, well, both of them are two of the best standup comedians in the world. And we haven't had them on in a very long time. It's somebody's first time and it's been, I think, eight or nine years since our other homey was on it. Both of them have two of the newest specials out on Netflix, Amazon, Apple, YouTube, absolutely everywhere. Make some noise for two of the best in the world. It's Derek Strupp and Francesco Ramos. Yeah, let's go. Hey, Derek, welcome to the great Francesco Ramos. Hey, Derek has one of the biggest specials on Netflix, nostalgic, out now. How about a hand for Derek Strupp making his pill-tony debut? We're going to have some fun tonight and the great Francesco Ramos, who I started with nineteen eight plus years ago at the comedy store as door guys is here. He's back on Killtony for the first time and I think eight years or so. Welcome, Francesco. We're doing it. We're really doing it for Francesco. That's my Tony. I'm doing it. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Derek, it's your first time, so maybe you don't know, but over 250 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on this show tonight. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up in here. The sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them and then I conduct an interview with them. We all find out more about them live on the spot. They have no idea they're going on stage until right before they get up here. I'm going to let this innocent little make a wish gay soccer player pull the first name. You guys are bumping each other like you knew I was going to say that, huh? Would you call them a gay soccer Tony's going to say you look like a gay soccer player? You're spot on. You know my brand very well. Predictable punchlines by Tony Hinchcliffe. Seeing a few of those reviews this week, by the way, had to make some edits thanks to our friends over at Netflix and gave myself a little joke book after my special release this week. Fuck all of you. I hate you. I'm an artist that takes incredible risks. You can all suck my fat cock. Anyway, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have one of our greatest regulars ever. Here to set the tone for the show with a brand new minute, make some noise. Sing along if you know the words, ladies and gentlemen, the return of one of the greatest regulars ever. Here, the last thing with a brand new minute, just to show us how it's done, make some noise for the great Hans Cam, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, this is great to watch the UFC at the White House. Love watching people beat the shit out of each other that close to Nancy Pelosi, so she would wander in. Can't wait for next year when we can play Pick a Ball at the Vatican, but yeah, I'm working out right now because I have no ass. Yeah, yeah, sucks having no ass. My underwear is touching my butt hole right now. Yeah, I sat on a quarter, it penetrated me. Yeah, we are at war right now with Iran. We've won four times already. Yeah, when the Epstein list dropped, everyone in a third-world country was like, "Oh, no, they're going to need a distraction." And the Jews were like, "Oh, good, they're going to need a distraction." And a lot of people called Trump and Nazi, what kind of Nazi goes to war for the Jews? I wish she wasn't Nazi, maybe gas would've been $5 a gallon right now. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. Hans Cam, with some very topical references, stretched off of last night's UFC at the White House, and indeed, never ending rounds and rounds of war with, "Welcome, Hans, how you feel?" Well, thank you, Tony. It's great to be here. I watched the UFC at the White House on my TV. Oh, wow. This is worse than your seat. Yes, indeed. I was right there, right in the action. It was a lot of fun. You've been to live UFC's before, though. Yes. I famously was not paying attention when someone got knocked out. Were we on your phone? I was just zoning out. Oh. Okay. What fight was that? Do you remember? It was Leon Edwards. Versus. What are you upset about? Camarruzman? Oh, wow. You missed that one. Yeah. You were in it. You were fucking. Yeah, I pay attention when I'm in the front row of a UFC, especially the main event. It's a big thing not to not to miss it. That's kind of the whole point. Sorry, Tony. Apology accepted, Hans. What else is going on in life, pal? I'm missing a tooth. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, what happened? Yeah, show us. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let me. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why we love him. He overshairs. He has no problem looking like a complete psycho. Francisco, what do you think about this look? How do you look more Asian now? [ Laughter ] That's backwards Asian. You can get rid of some ramen with that gap, my man. Oh, yeah. Suck it all right up and one big fucking. Oh. Well, we're still something. Don't stay here. [ Laughter ] Let me go. Ain't that the truth? How. what happened? Oh, I got elbowed in the face playing basketball 12 years ago. Oh, my God. That's what you talk like with a tooth missing? [ Laughter ] He sounds like a totally different. Well, I got you a basketball ball. [ Laughter ] Yeah. A whole new version of win sanity here. [ Laughter ] You haven't. You haven't learned how to talk since it got knocked out 20. You always have that thing in? It's been since January. So what's going on? Why don't you go to a dentist? Uh, it got infected. So they took it out and they're going to put an implant in. But the bone has to grow. So, um. Oh, my God. Don't take, 'cause I vape too much. You vape too much. Yeah. Oh, my God. And so the bone didn't, so they had to do it again. So, I was supposed to get it done in April, but now it's June. Wow. [ Laughter ] And it's because it's infected? It got infected. Now it's not infected. Whoa. [ Laughter ] Oh, what was that? [ Laughter ] Is this what you tell girls? [ Laughter ] Yeah, I'm not infected. When you're like, "Let me eat your puffy." [ Laughter ] Fuck it. Clip right on between the two teeth. [ Laughter ] Do you take it off before you eat the pussy or like you keep it? Um, I think I would keep it in. Just in case I pop back up, you don't want to be like, "Oh, I got. " Yeah. That's it in there, yeah, exactly. Jafin Cave. No doubt about it. That would feel good, putty. So 20 years ago, when it happened, you had an implant put in. Yeah, what is it called a crown? Right. The root died. Yes, that is what it's called. And so then, how did the crown fall out? Oh, it got infected. Oh, just a lot of mouth infections. Incredible. Your DMs are going to be lit after this. That's just the nastiest women in the world. Hey. Taste different. Oh, Jesus Christ. Kimchi. I got hot. Oh, you are a nasty boy, Hans. Can I put it back in there? Right after you say, may I please have some spaghetti? May I please have some spaghetti? Oh, my God. Yeah, you can put it back in. Thank you, Tony. Now say may I please have some spaghetti? Incredible, Hans. Way to get things started tonight. He's a legend on the show. There goes Hans Cam. And now we go to the bucket, people. This is it. This is where it really starts. The eye of the storm, where we meet people, anything can happen. Could be the next big talent of the world. Could be an insane person. Might be a 20-year veteran. Could be somebody's first set. Anything can happen. We're going to meet them all together. The whole thing's crazy. Thanks for the first bucket bull. It's Dan Siegel, everybody. Dan Siegel. You guys do fucking rock. Just-- you have a test band in this land. I want you guys to realize, I want you guys all to turn to each other, no matter who you're with, your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, and look at each other, right? I need crowd participation. Just look at each other. Have you ever looked at each other? All right, so if you had looked at each other deeply in the eyes, which you guys are like, don't look at me. Look at each other. I'm not fucking around. I need your help. All right, fine, whatever. But if you did look at each other, the thought would be in my head, man, I have no idea how many people you have fucked. At all, think about it. You go to bed every single night with somebody, if you're not me, and you go, fuck, man. I bang this guy, chick, dad, mom, whatever, every night. And they still-- [BEEP] Fucking pussy sucks. Thank you. All right, Dan Siegel. Yes, sir. OK, you did basically nothing. You complimented the band. Very good. Well, exciting to have-- It's my dad said, too, so you're not wrong. All right, good. How you doing? It's good to have an alcoholic Little League umpire here tonight. It's fantastic. You look fantastic, Dan. You look great. You've been rolling around in lava or something what's happening here. You know, for some reason, I'm from New Hampshire. So people are like, dude, you look really fucking tan like, sunned. OK, very good. Let's check it. I know a man that just got off a roof when I see one. Exactly. No, you don't. Yeah, well, that sun's not on accident. You've been somewhere, Amarin. I can tell you that. You have homeless energies without a doubt, Dan. What the fuck? That's homeless-- I get to shit all the time. I'm skateboarder. Sorry, that's what it is. We got to talk about the homeless. I can't see the shoes. What do we got here? Here we go. You got to check out the gospel 2,000 right there. I mean, incredible, Dan. Let's talk about your life. Dan, how old are you? 29. No, you're not. I believe it. There's no way. Seriously, Dan. 29 years, we're going to have a guest today. I'll be 15. I'll be 15 August. OK. How long have you been attempting standup comedy? Since October. OK. What made you start in October? Fucking-- There was no art. Don't you dare try to mimic me? OK, answer the fucking questions. Yes, sir. I apologize. Comedy fucking rules. I mean, I've loved it since I was a kid. I've watched everybody for Rodney to fucking-- OK, we got it. All right. What have you been doing for a living this whole time, Dan? So I'm just getting over frostbite. Oh, yeah. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Can we get Hans's tooth back out here? And this is more disgusting than anything I've ever seen in my life. No, dude, these are good. My fingers are legitimately black. Wow. No, no, wait. I can't tell you how much we believe you. I've never believed somebody more in my life. But I'm a little pissed that you got offended at the roof or joke, and you don't have fingers. I can't even fucking-- No, no, no, no. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy for you to be like, hey, you're out of line with the-- and you go, hey, I lost my hands. No, I'm lucky. I can't use a nail gun at this foot. I used to roof, though. All right, everything you do sucks. So leave that second-- you're going to be funny part out when you're answering the questions. And we'll get to the other good stuff, like he's doing. And we're all doing here. So, damn, let's get it right into it. How did you get frostbite all over your fingers? So I was ending a relationship in New Hampshire. I was-- That's it? That's the answer, everybody. Don't ever break up with your New Hampshire girlfriend or your fingers fall off. Everybody-- She would seal what the fuck? All right. I feel like I need to explain my shoes to, like-- I went on a job interview saying the interview wasn't there. So I got stuck in this bullshit. No one's talking about your shoes, Dan. Answer the question about your fucking missing fingers. They're not missing. They're here. They're short, and I'm a bass player. So that kind of sucks, so I-- OK, back to the question. All right, how'd you get frostbite? So I was flying back from here to New Hampshire, like every other week, ending a relationship, talking to my daughters, being like, hey, man, this is what I want to do in falling a dream. They're like, bad, you're a fucking idiot. Like, go for it. Dude. Answer the question about the frostbite on your fingers. Do nothing else. All right, I get to the part where the cold shit starts happening. Yeah. Are you holding a block of ice? Yeah. The cold shit started when I was a kid, but I kept falling and snow. Wait, what? Over and repeatedly. Dude, how did you get frostbite, bro? I had-- all right, so I caught hypothermia, looking for a job in Nashua. When you get hypothermia, you got to have to give me a minute. Hold on a second. It's not-- No, we already gave you a minute, and it felt like 10. So I'm having hypothermia, right? Do you want me to answer it? Oh, oh, oh, dude, wait. Oh, shit, fuck. You're going around your elbow to get to your asshole, man. Backside elbow flip. So I caught hypothermia, which means your blood isn't pumping. We know what hypothermia is. Are you sure? Dan, you're ruining this interview. You this could be good, you fucking idiot. Answer the question about the frostbite. Get to the frostbite. I caught hypothermia and ended up in the thicket of pine trees in the middle of a highway. There it is. It's exhausted. And I kept falling down and I knew that if I didn't stand up, I would dice. But I didn't have my hands covered. And the snow kept getting it and getting it and bossing medical center, fucking-- OK, OK, I'm going to take over here as the interviewer of the show for 13 years. And you are a hard interview, Dan. You are tough. It's OK. Don't say anything at this part. Here's a very specific question. And it's going to have a very specific answer. Dan, look at me. Look at me. It's going everything wrong. Look at me. Look at me. There you go. So how do you get in the snow? We understand you're going through a breakup. This is that going back and forth from New Hampshire to who gives a fuck. That's what I was trying to tell you in-- No, no, no, no, no, no, nothing that you were saying as any part. I caught hypothermia because of my heart. How did you catch hypothermia? Because I was looking for a job on a street. Oh, my God. What is that? Oh, my God. It's like, Dan, what the fuck is wrong with you, what, man? Why were you in the forest? Yes. There you go. We can get more specific if you want. Dan, answer the question, Dan. So why were you in the forest, Dan? Because-- oh, my God. I caught hypothermia. Nope, you're Dan. Good job, believe me. Put the mic back in the mic. Sit. Sit. You saw Dan. That's great. This is like a question that any normal human can answer. I was trying to answer. No, it was like the worst episode of COPS. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it was. Put it back. Where are your fakes? You got it. Put it back. There you go, with those little fucking missing nubs. There he goes, everybody, Dan Siegel. Get back there, Dan. Go that way. There you go. Very good. Keep going, Dan. Keep going, Dan. There you go. Great stuff, Dan. Holy fucking shit. Oh, you know what that noise means. The lovely Heidi. Live in the flesh, the one and the only. Keeping us well hydrated. Lord knows everyone needs a drink after the comedy stylings of Dan Siegel. Fuck. How do you end up in a freezing forest? I was looking for a job. I think he murdered somebody. Yes, he is. There's definitely-- he's like really bad at lying here. Homeless. Homeless. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, no doubt. - Crazy. - Should I give my dollar? I don't know. (laughing) - I think we missed our chance. - Hi everybody, this episode is sponsored by Bluetooth. Guys, you'll track your sleep, take a cold plunge, and drink coffee made out of mushrooms. You dialed in every part of your life, except the one that really matters. The one where all the magic happens. That's right, the bedroom, where boners are born. And that is where Bluetooth gold comes in. Bluetooth gold is better sex than a tablet. Speaking of tablet, who has one with sound effects on it? - Red band. - They combine four ingredients into one powerful solution. Two ingredients get you hard physically, and two that get you hard mentally by supporting our rousal and desire in the brain. - Hmm, be present, be ready. Be the man you pretend to be in your dating profile. We've got a special deal for our listeners right now when you buy it. Two months of Bluetooth gold, you get the third free with promo code Tony. That's promo code Tony. You will also receive an additional 10% off. Plus, free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. We got another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Kimberly Coaster. Everybody, a minute from Kimberly Coaster. (audience applauds) I moved here from Colorado 'cause it was getting too expensive. I had to have roommates. I lived with these guys. And it was awful. Like one of them, he was always in his room, like playing Xbox. Sup, my ass. And the other guy, he was like a little more outdoorsy and outgoing. He always has boys over. And it made me so uncomfortable. I mean, I'm a woman in my 50s. I should not be living with men in their 20s, but I gave birth to them. (audience laughs) And I couldn't get them the hell out of my house. But I came up with the plan. I started dating their friends. (audience laughs) Well, yeah, I have two boys in their 20s. And you know what, it's amazing how you can have two kids and they can be so different from each other. Like one of them, you know, he goes to college and gets good grades, has a girlfriend. And the other one, he sits and plays Xbox and smokes pot. And I know you're not supposed to pick favorites, but he has really good weed. (audience laughs) Thank you, Kimberly Kester. Kimberly Koster, welcome, welcome. Hell yeah, how'd you get your frostbite? I'm just kidding, welcome, Kimberly. Have you been on the show before? Yeah, a year ago. Okay. I thought so, I remember you. Welcome back. Remind us how long you been on standup. About five years. Okay, cool. And that's all in, where's that? Mom, I started in Denver and I moved out here a year and a half ago. How's Austin treating you? You know, it's, I might be a little too old for the open mics I feel like, but I've actually been starting to produce shows in the Midwest, so, you know. Why are you choosing the Midwest to produce shows? Oh, I grew up in Iowa. Oh, okay. So I'm doing a show in two weeks at Infort Dodge, my hometown, and it's this 500-seat theater and bringing some Austin comics. Very cool. Have you thought about producing a show regularly here in Austin? There's a lot of them, man. I mean, maybe, eventually, I don't know, the big places are more fun. Yeah, okay. Yeah. It could be a big place. If you started, it could be, it could become a thing. You live on the outskirts of Austin or? I do. I'm kind of on your way to B cave. Yeah. So there's probably room for a scene out there, like a lot of rich people out in B cave. That's true. Yeah, I think. That would like to see what you consider an older lady. Yeah. That's what you called it. That's what you said. That's her own verbiage there. For someone makes a fucking internet clip about Tony bullying old fucking hags. Oh, I accidentally said hags. All right, I fucked it up. There you go. There's your clip, just kidding. Kimberly, I like your style. So the boys in the 20s, how's that? Is that fun? Well, one lives in Oregon and the other's in the army. So, you know, I hear from one of them like a couple times a day and the other when I hear from a couple. Is the army one servover sees it all? No, he's in El Paso. Whoa. Yeah. That's roughly it. So he's that's harder. Yeah. He's guarding the border. Do you, can I-- are you Mary? Are you the boys? I've been divorced since my boys for five and seven. Are you really fucking his friends? Are you single? I'm sorry, what? No, no. You should. There you go. Good advice from Red Band. Thank you, Red Band. Back to the soundboard he goes. Interesting that younger men are better looking. I mean, sometimes I forget. I'll see a hot guy and I'm like, oh, fuck. I could have gave birth to him. Who can still fuck him? Yeah. I could. But it just-- I don't know. I think your odds are better than you know. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yes, we're back. And we're back. So what type of guys do you hook up with? I haven't had sex in over a year, so-- In over a year? Over a year, I think. There's this frostbite guy. He's going to figure you out. That won't be very available. Yeah. Not the first time you've had a black finger in you, I'm sure. Come on. Come on. We're having fun here. We're just getting warmed up. Oh, go. All right. Wow, so Kimberly, why aren't you out there chasing these young Austin boys? You have unbelievable Cougar energies, if I may say so. Vaginal dryness? Oh, OK. Hey. Yeah. That'll fight them off. Yeah. Let me guess. You got that looking for a job flying back and forth from New Hampshire to somewhere? That's how everyone's getting sick nowadays. Yeah. A lot of flights to New Hampshire. Have you tried fitting on it? Oh, red band. Why do you say things like this? Women have the courage to come to a show like this and sign up and take a chance on themselves. And you make it all disgusting. Have you tried spitting on it? I have tried that. Yeah. It didn't work. Didn't work. No, yeah. A year and a half ago, last time I had sex, is when I realized that. Did a doctor diagnose you? Did you check it out? I don't do doctors. You don't do doctors, oh boy. How did you have kids? Well, I haven't done doctors in a while. Yeah. I mean, I did doctors back then, but then the pandemic happened. And I didn't want to do doctors anymore. You're like science sucks. Yes, doctors. Yeah. I mean, she's from Iowa, you know? Yeah. That makes sense. When you gave birth, it was a warm rag and-- [LAUGHTER] He used to date this girl that had a couple of tampons in her. She didn't even know it. Have you tried to see if there's anything in there? OK, red band. There you go. I mean, real heat. It is unbelievable. He's on fire here today. He is a drivagina specialist. Not a lot of people know that, but when someone brings up a drivagina, that's been red band. Grab that, Mike turns up the volume. And really, let's rip, because he has a wealth of experience in being the senior drivagina correspondent on this show. I love it. So, Kimberly, do you think there's any reason why your vagina is gone dry? If you had to diagnose yourself in this doctorless world that you live in, what-- it's called vaginal atrophy. And it's like when you're vagina, you know, just kind of-- like, it would be like if you set a chicken cutlet out on the kitchen counter. Oh, is that your way of saying you want a black guy to eat your pussy? [LAUGHTER] That's what you need. That's what would happen. Oh, man. Chicken cutlet. Chicken cutlet is insane. [LAUGHTER] Wow. A chicken cutlet out on the counter, and then-- Yeah, after a week, you know. After a week. Oh. That's what your vagina turns into when you go through menopause. Well, I will be on the lookout for my vagina. Wow. That is wild. Kimberly, how do you make a living? I'm a hairstyl-- I've been a hairstylist for 35 years, and I'm sick of it. [LAUGHTER] Sick of those bitches. Yeah. Why? Because their vagina's wet. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, exactly. Jealous. Yeah. How's your wet pussy doing, bitch? [LAUGHTER] Amazing. What's something that's happened while you're styling hair? Like, is anyone ever overshared? And you're like, Jesus, what is going on here? Because I know women be yapping to their hair style. Oh, yeah. I had one week where every single person in my chair cried, and it wasn't because of anything I did. But like, yeah, everyone, like one lady, her daughter, came out as gay and-- Do you take all the tears and put in your vagina? Very good, right? Very good, red, bad. You have a little cut. Yeah. Unbelievable. I saw him grab the mic and just fast as he could. Quick drop. He heard the word tears, and just-- Oh. We got to put those in a vagina. Yeah, immediately. No doubt about it. Wow. Sweet, she cried, because who was gay? What happened? Oh, her daughter came out as gay, but she was really liberal, so it was very-- Yeah, that's what happens. It was critical. That's what be happening. You want to live that life. You're going to have gay kids. Want to be-- Have you talked to the Duke boys lately? That was very annoying, it was a good question. Red band. Look, Katherine. - Boss? - I have no idea what's happening. Thank you, Red Band, so much for doing what you do. - We were here. We're in the same generation. I know what you're talking about. - Oh, yeah, you guys are old as fuck. (audience laughing) - Yep. - Okay, okay. (laughing) Oh my God. So Kimberly, I guess in closing, I have to know what are your like next plans other than running the shows in the Midwest. Like what are some other things you're looking forward to in life? - You know, I do want to stop doing hair and have comedy be my, you know, income. - Yeah. - And, you know, I don't know. I'm just kind of winging it at the moment. - I like your style. I think it takes balls to come to a place like this all the way from fucking the burbs and fucking sign up and be with all those fucking heathens next door. And you seem like a classy cool lady that fucking is doing that and chasing your dreams. And that's how shit happens. So you're fucking doing everything correctly. You're awesome. You have great sense of humor. You roll with the punches. You're a real fucking comedian. Here's a big joke book. - Thanks, a black one. - Yep. - Thank you. - Kimberly Cokes, sir, everybody. Look at that. Look at that. We're never moving. It's like Dan Siegel never even happened. I remember that guy. I mean, I had to, I think I asked, it felt like I asked like 11 times. How did you get cold? All right, your next bucket bull goes by the name of Jake Palfey, everybody. Jake Palfey. - I hooked up with that lady over a year ago. (audience laughs) Sandpaper dries. (audience laughs) Of course. No, I'm feeling good though. I got my haircut this week. (audience laughs) - You like it? - I don't like it. I look like a cardboard cut out of every white guy ever. I see a lot of us in your day. But I've only had this one haircut my entire life. This one haircut. I only had one person ever cut my hair. And that's my blue hair gay liberal mom. It's just her. She's dealing with, I've never been to a barber shop. I go to the salon. It's not cool. Like, I want to go to the barber shop. I want to throw gang signs. I want to talk bald. Whatever happens there. I don't know. I want to be the only one in there that knows that the fire alarm battery needs to be changed. You know what I'm saying? (audience laughs) Like, I'm gonna cheat on my mom. I'm gonna cheat on her. I'm gonna cheat on my mom with a big, strong tattooed, Puerto Rican man named Rick. And he's just gonna have his way with my head, dude. (audience laughs) Fuck yeah, Jake called me, that's been my time. Thank you. Jake, Palfy, welcome, welcome. Have you been on before, Jake? Welcome, Jake. How old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been on standup? Four years this month. I love it. Very, very, especially the start listening to what's going on behind the curtain paying attention. Fucking powerful opening. Stuff all about your actual life. Where were the four years at? All here. Nice. Is this where you're from? I'm from Dallas. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. Did you start in Dallas or you really started here? I started here. Okay. Rough start. Yeah. Yeah. Four years ago. Hell yeah. So take us through that process. Like, how did that start for you just? I mean, when you start here, you just have, you have to like, wait endlessly at open mics that you might not get on. And then it's just hard to get time when you don't have like, it made here. But I started producing maybe two and a half years ago. Now, I just got to show at the creek in the cave and a bunch of stuff. So that's how I've made my-- Yeah, that's the way to do it. That's what I was saying to Kimberly is, you got to start your own kind of stuff sometimes if you want to do shows in your own hometown. That's kind of how it goes. What do you do for a living? What kind of a lay driver are you? I was a lay driver, actually. Bingbong. Oh, no. No credit whatsoever. Fucking parallel park. Good, dude. Hell yeah. You look like-- It's all the ladies in here. How the fuck can do it? You look-- Yeah, that'll help you. [LAUGHTER] Well, that really did it. You'll be covered in pussy, man. Yeah. That's the pp that the ladies want. Parallel parking. [LAUGHTER] I-- don't use the camera! [LAUGHTER] Leave that. Look back. I already did it. OK. [LAUGHTER] True. Yeah. So what else have you been doing for jobs? I worked for a roofing company. I just started for a new one. Wow. If I told you to guess the roofer, if I only showed you pictures-- Dude, there is a-- you got an employee back there. He doesn't have any fingers, but he's what you're looking for. That's good. I promise you. Yeah. Don't ask him any questions, or you will fire him immediately. Give him some aluminum and dianna sausages. You'll have a whole crew. [LAUGHTER] How long have you been roofing for? I like two years, but I just left my old company and started with a new company. I do business development, so I just go to state farms and go, hey, I'm Jake, not from state farms. Oh, they must love that. Oh, you're crushing in the lobby of state farms. It's just old fat ladies. I bring them cookies, and I hit them with that. And they're like, oh, my god. Oh, hell, yeah. It's fun. Business is boom. It's boom, and I just-- You're a tall guy. How tall are you? I'm 65. 65. So you don't even need a ladder to do roofing. I just-- I just-- I'm both there. Absolutely. I can-- I can dunk as well. What do you do? Oh, oh. Oh, wow. I do feel like I'm six. Don't. Old white wimpy over here. Look at you. Some old ladies getting her wet pussy. [LAUGHTER] I tried, dude. I tried. I love it, Jake. What do you do for fun when you want to get a little wacky? Yeah, I play a lot of basketball. I have a girlfriend. I spend a lot of time with, and then just doing comedy a lot. Getting wacky, I like smoking and doing mushrooms. Oh, nice. I know I have-- I don't look like it, but yeah, I do that. Do you ever play lacrosse? Lacrosse, no. I'm too skinny. Do you ever rape anybody? No. [LAUGHTER] The drive them let escalated quickly. Yeah. Do you really have a blue-haired mom? You have a liberal mom? She-- her hair color's constantly changing, but yes. Yeah, she's kind of a wild lady. She is a wild lady. How do you think-- how do you think they end up like that? Um, um, my dad keeps abusing her, not abusing-- not just like, like emotionally abusing, maybe. Oh, wow. Yeah, not physically. When you say maybe, like, what have you seen? Just like, they would just argue a lot, and then she was like, she just partied hard. My dad didn't. So like-- When you say mom party's hard, what exactly do you mean? I mean, like, in her 20s, she just went hard. I don't-- I didn't know her, so I don't-- What have you heard that she did in her 20s? She would just, you know, do everything. She told me about, like, ecstasy and stuff at, like, fuck. Like, she would tell me this in high school. I'd be like, oh, this is crazy. My dad's going to hate this so much. That's all right. You can't worry about dad on this show. I know. I'm-- yeah. Francisco. When you got grounded, did they send you to the roof? Or, like, yeah. Yeah, I spent a lot of time up there, yeah. Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters? I do. I have older brother. That's my mom's son. And then I have younger sisters, too, younger than me. That's my only, like, full blood going. And then I have to-- and then-- OK, I have four siblings. Is that what you want to-- I don't know why you explain that, like, he's on the board for 23 and me. I have-- You just said I got a lot too siblings. We wouldn't have gone. Interesting, full blooded. I have two, like, little children siblings now that my dad had. That's why I was trying to get-- Yeah, that's what Red Band's interested in. So your older brother, is he tall, as well? He's like 6'3." Oh, OK, so you're the taller one. Yeah. You have those barren, barren, Trump energies. That's right. Abnormally tall for being a younger brother. That's right. Jake, what-- this girlfriend of yours, what does she do for a living? She's a therapist, which means I get therapy for free. Amazing. Even when I don't ask for it, I just get it. Incredible. What do you utilize the therapy for? Oh, she usually just tells me everything I'm doing wrong. I don't suck garlic in my cell. Exactly. I don't accept-- What does she say you're doing wrong? I don't make very much money. And she has a lot more money than me. So that's something we've argued about before. I just try to keep her happy, you know, and, like, be funny. Because I don't have money. How much money do you have? I have, like-- oh, I actually got paid today, so I had $1,200. OK. And before that-- Baller. Before that, you had nothing? Say it again? I had just paid rents. I had no money yet. Wow. Incredible. So she's just paying the bills, basically. No, I mean, I just cover everything, but, like, she has a lot of money. She'll show, like, when she wants to go do something, I'm like, hey, I can't. But, you know, you can take me. Wow. Incredible. Does she make you, like, do chores and stuff? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I plan a lot of plants, motel-on. Oh. Oh, yeah. She's a homeowner, so I, like, take care of the houses. Yeah. Baller. It's your girlfriend, your mom? She's going to hate that, too. -What is it like when she chokes you darn set? -Is it crazy? Are you like, "I'm harder." -Oh, slap me. -Amazing, but she's a good therapist. -She's amazing, yeah. -For those of you that need therapy, just a reminder, talk spaces out there. Use promo code space80 at talkspace.com. -I love it. -Yeah, we do love it. Jake, very, very funny stuff. Congratulations. Great stuff. Keep it going. Four years in the game, that's Jake Palfey. [ Cheers and applause ] -Good stuff, Jake. -Starting something new is terrifying. I remember thinking, "What if this fails? What if I put all this work in for nothing?" But taking that leap ended up in being one of the best decisions I ever made. It also helps when you have a partner. Like Shopify on your side. [ Bell dings ] Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world, and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. From household names like mine to brands just getting started. RedBan! -It make it all easy, too. If hundreds of ready-to-use templates, Shopify helps you build an online store that matches your brand's style. Need to accelerate efficiency? Shopify's AI tools can write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance product images. -Oh, my goodness. And did I mention that iconic purple shop pay button? It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet from marketing to managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise. It's time to turn those "What ifs" into -- [ Bell dings ] --with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/killtony. Go to Shopify.com/killtony. That's Shopify.com/killtony. [ Bell dings ] And on to the next one we go. Your bucket pool now goes by the name of Daniel Velasquez. Here we go. Daniel Velasquez. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, we know Daniel. [ Applause ] -I was going through a breakup a few months ago. And a buddy of mine could see that I was struggling. And he was like, "Hey, man. What you need is a massage." I wanted those hand job massage parlors. He was like, "Listen, man, I know you can't drive. I found one down the shoe from your house. You could just walk there." Which, like, first off, weird way to find out I live in a bad neighborhood, you know? [ Laughter ] And he was like, "Hey, man. And everybody's coming up, so I made the appointment for you. So if you don't go, they're not going to let me go back. They're anymore." [ Laughter ] So, like, he put me in a weird spot, right? Because, like, sex work really isn't my thing. But, like, I'm not trying to yuck his yum, right? Like, so I went, man. And that is going to be a one-time trip. Because, you know, I learned there's nothing more embarrassing than getting a hand job and then having to walk home afterwards. [ Laughter ] Dude, I put my headphones on. I couldn't even get myself to play any music, guys. [ Laughter ] I was like, "No, you can enjoy this walk of shame in silence." [ Laughter ] Thank you, guys. That's my time. Daniel Blascaz has done it again. Always funny. We love Daniel here on this show. Thank you. I love you. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Welcome back, my friend. Thank you. Is that a true story? That is a true story. Incredible. I believe it. Why not? I need better friends. Yeah. Or maybe he's my best friend. Who knows? [ Laughter ] Incredible. Yeah. Francesco. You see a regular here, or, like, because what do you have? Sorry. We've been through this a few times. He's definitely qualified to be one of the golden ticket winners here. He's definitely walks like one. He walks the walk and he talks the talk. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure we'll pause it. Okay, cool. Yeah, but you already -- You already -- [ Laughter ] No, I -- I'm gonna hop in here. [ Laughter ] Yeah, I'm gonna try to clean it on up. I thought it was great. The first person that ever took me on the road was Josh Blue. Good friend. I love Josh. Your timing was -- was killer. So great work, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah. Absolutely. Completely agreeable. You're great. You're great. Thank you so much. So, Daniel, what's been going on in life since your last time on this show? Nothing, man. I -- I lost my job. I had real quick -- Anybody hiring, dude? What do you -- what do you -- what did you do before? I worked at Chick-Fil-A, dude. You lost your job at Chick -- what exactly do you have to do to lose your Chick-Fil-A job as a -- as a -- You gotta be fast. [ Laughter ] No, yeah. No, I -- I was living here for a little bit, and then I ended up moving to San Antonio, so I had to -- I did lose that job. But, yeah, yeah, unfortunately. Got it. So, what experiences -- what other jobs have you had so that we can find you a job? This is a little segment we call. We can find a handicap guy a job. [ Bell ringing ] I mean, you know, I was a TV news producer for a little bit, and then -- but it's hard to -- it's hard to do TV and then do comedy, and I really want to do comedy. So, I just went all in on that and I'll take any job, man. I'm just trying to be a comic and trying to work and make this my career eventually. So, yeah, I was a TV news producer and then Chick-Fil-A. So, there's two vastly different jobs. It goes to show you where the news industry is now a days, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, breaking news. The only job better than working for the modern news facilities is Chick-Fil-A, everybody. All right, so let's go out there. This guy in the hat looks like he has CEO energies. You with the glasses, sir. Do you have perhaps a job opening for this guy? I'll move here tomorrow. Dude, I'll move here tomorrow. Trying to get you a job, sir. Maybe shut the fuck up for a second. No, you don't own a company. Anybody own a company here? What about you, sir? What company do you own? A perfect job. Oh, well, congratulations. If you think you're limping now, wait until tomorrow night. This was a bad idea. I'll move drugs for people, man. They never check me at TSA, dude. I could be a fucking-- Oh, yeah. I'll move, wait, dude. That's a good one. I'll move, wait. You're a could be a meal, yeah? Yeah. Have you tried Chick-Fil-A? Yeah. We know you have. [LAUGHTER] So, Daniel, you're basically willing to do anything. This is a question that we only ask here on Kiltonia. A question you never get on the Tonight Show. You never get on "Morning Radio" out on the road. Only here do I ask this question. Negative $58. Wow. OK. So we need a job ASAP. Yeah. Incredible. Wow. So I'm trying to figure out what could we possibly do with a guy like this, what do you think? Negative $58, I think it's got the whole room kind of in a tough spot. [LAUGHTER] I think all of us are going, we were having a good negative $58. That's bad. We were hoping for 11 would have been nine. Negative $58. I don't even know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, man. Yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah. So, OK. So let's do the math on this, because I like it. I like the uncomfortable reality of all this. It's a negative $58. But you already paid your rent this month. What's your living situation of roommates? Yeah, so my mom passed away a few years ago, so-- Oh, god. This is just going the wrong direction here. I got it. So I just live with my father right now. Yeah. Yeah, I live with him. You're what? My father. OK, where's that at? San Antonio. But I lived here with some roommates before, so. OK. So that's good. So you have no rent right now. Is your dad charging you rent? No, he's a good man. Yeah. He's a good man. Yeah, absolutely. He's also the one that drank while he made you. Yeah, yeah, he owes me big talk, exactly. Big talk. Yeah. Some self in the face. So no doubt he should be paying your rent. That it's the least he could do. Yeah. And so you're in San Antonio. That's where you are right now. How often do you make it to Austin to perform? Every week, man, every week. I just try and come up here. Yeah, absolutely. And you're doing open mics and stuff up there in San Antonio, the rest of the week. Yes, sir. I got open mics. And I work at the Riot River Walk comedy club down there. Oh, that's great. It's a good club. So you're getting spots there. You're getting open for people and guest spots here and there. Yes, sir. Why don't you work at the comedy club? I mean, they already have staff. And I want to be like a working comedian there. But yeah, they already have their staff kind of built. You got a negative 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got their staff already picked out. But yeah, I do work there for a little bit. I do like door guys stuff. So I do get some money there. So it's not bad. Yeah. Gee, but you do drive? I don't drive. No, that was the point of the joke. Yeah. Right. Yeah. OK. Yeah. OK. So we're at negative 58. Does not drive. Would like to do comedy in Austin. Lives in San Antonio. How the numbers look? Not good. I'm doing the math over here. It is real bad. It just has the word bad. Yeah. Yes, John Deese. We just took up a collection first. Well, the pay rate is money. Oh, come on. It's incredible. Oh, my God. This is absolutely amazing. We got-- thank you guys so much for this money. I deserve it. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I love that the band finally paying it forward to the man that made it all possible for them. All right. I got a waffle house gift card. Oh, yeah. Oh, put it in there, yeah. You can go be with other people. Throw a couple, a couple $2 bills in there. That's good luck. You need good luck is what you need, somehow. Oh, Francisco throwing in. Francisco and Derek throwing in a 20 red band, famously cheap red band, pooling out $4, $10 bills. Wow, $6, $10 bills, $10 bills, $10 bills. He's a travel guy. All right. You have a charitable down at the BFW here. We're going to help you, Lieutenant. We're going to help you. New Year's Eve prostitutes the whole thing. Anybody else? Anybody else have any cash out there? Hi, any heroes? Here's $100 bills from me. Here we go. This is the first time ever. Joy Conrad, be some cash. The greatest photographer in the comedy industry is out there collecting. Chief, you're rich. Put some cash in the fucking mix. You're there with a homo. Oh, $31 bills from this cheap floor. Jesus Christ, you pulled those out of her panties from last night. Thanks a lot, lady. OK, there's a 10 from that Jew over there. This is good. There's a 20. Ah, go on, go on. Troy, come on. Keep it moving. Troy, let's go. 45, 45. Oh, oh. 20 and a 5. Very good. This is all adding up very quickly. This is the first time in Kiltzoni history. This is big. In which we've done-- It's going to be a fun reason. Sarah, come on, get this money. We're going to get a grand total here. Thank you so much. This is crazy. This is the unbelievable. People are going to expect this to happen from now on. Here, give it to Sarah. Give it all to Sarah. We're going to get an official count. Try to count fast, Sarah. I have a hand for Sarah Sloan, Troy Conrad, Cole. What a seat we have here. We're going to-- you're going to get a bunch of cash, pal. Look at that. Someone's going to be in a lot of hand jobs this week. [LAUGHTER] This guy's going to be getting milked like a cow out in the burbs of San Antonio. So let me ask you, was it an Asian massage parlor? Yeah, it was your classic Asian massage [LAUGHTER] Lobs it. Yeah. Now, this is amazing. And did you get any of the actual massage? Because you seem like you could use some of that. Yeah, I could. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was your typical shitty massage. I don't really remember that part that much. Yeah. Real massage people. Francis, I'm not trying to be funny, but your penis have cerebral palsy too or like that. That's the only part that doesn't. Oh, really? Yeah, it kind of works out. Oh, yeah. The ladies go wild for that works out. I was going to ask, was your Asian massage therapist was he missing a tooth? [LAUGHTER] Yeah. So are we doing this or what? Wow. OK, Daniel, this is incredible. So you're next move with this money. What are you going to do with it? What are you planning on doing with the fat stack of cash that killed all of us raised for you? Saving it may put it in the stock market. Try to build up some money, you know? Let's keep it out of the stock market, thanks. I put it all into Chick-fil-A-Wint public. [LAUGHTER] OK, Sarah, do we have a count? There's a lot. Do we have a ballpark as of now? Over $700. [MUSIC PLAYING] Dreams are coming true. Damn, I have enough for full service now. That's nice, dude. That fucking $745 and a Waffle House gift card. That is a real Waffle House gift card from the great Derek Stroop. Dreams are coming true here on Keltzoni. Daniel, shout out, you're like social media so that people can follow you, I think. I think you're a little star, so. I'm on Instagram @vintage.Daniel. And on Twitter, I actually don't know my Twitter. Perfect. A Twitter, yeah, Twitter @comedyjpeg. So yeah. Perfect. You're crushing it, buddy. Always hilarious. We love you, King. You're the first person to ever get money on this show. So you deserve it. Congratulations. Thank you guys. Just a heads up for all bucket pools in the future. I'm never doing that again. So never expect that. It's never happening. I swear to God. That's all. It's the audience, guys. You guys fucking kill it. You guys are the shit, King. Congratulations. I love you guys. Thank you so much. There he goes. Daniel Velasquez, ladies and gentlemen. The American Dream hobbling off to his next massage parlor. There he goes. Look at that strut. Hell yeah. John D's just said that one of his buddies is going to rob him in the alleyway right now. Oh my God. All right, we have a golden tikka winner here with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, we love her around here. She is a workhorse. She's one of our favorite people. Make some noise for the great. I, everybody, here with a brand new minute. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oops. One of my closest friends is schizophrenic now. When I met her, she wasn't. But she was always a little bit off. Like, when we were in high school, she could just look at a QR code and tell you where the link went. And during lunch, you could pay her to say the N word. $5 to say it, $10 to use it in a sentence. But she did too many mushrooms, and then she became schizophrenic. And sometimes I worry because I love mushrooms. But I know I'm not addicted to mushrooms because I share. I share. And it makes me think that maybe black people are addicted to the N word because they won't share. Like, can I get a hit? [APPLAUSE] The great Aya. You're right. They don't share that. Yeah. And sharing is caring. And much like mushrooms and that. I only do both at home when I'm by myself. Amen, brother. One more time for Aya, another great minute. Absolutely original, adorable delivery. It's always fun having your style up here. Aya, how's life been going? Life's good. Yeah, that was a true story, though. I have one of my close friends. She's schizophrenic. Shout out to her for that joke. And that really happened after a mushroom trip? Yeah, she was just doing too much stuff. And then one day, she came over to my house and she was like, I've been talking to Hitler. Oh, shit. Yeah, like-- So what did he say? Yeah. That's a good question. No, he told her to just, you know, this shit about the Jews. [LAUGHTER] No, but all schizophrenic people talk to Hitler. That is something that people don't give him enough credit for. Being a good listener. [LAUGHTER] Oh, hilarious. They really do. Yeah, it was tough to hang out with her all day. Yeah. So I can only imagine what he's going through. Now, was she on-- do you know if she was on medication or anything for something else before this psychotic break? Or was she mentally healthy before? Was it a shock? Definitely, no. Like, you could, like, pay her to say the N word like when she was young. So she-- definitely always something. How much money? I only invested, like, $15. Perfect. It's been proven though. Daniel, I'm going to need some of that money back. Psychedelic speed up, you know, schizophrenic. Yeah, yeah, it does. In some people, yes, absolutely. That is true. No doubt about it. So what else is going on in life? I'm trying to get into the-- I'm trying to break into the fashion industry. OK. I have an idea that I'd like to pitch to Christian Lubiton on your platform. Let's do it. We know for a fact, Christian watches every episode of this show. He's a big fan of Hans Kim and many others. Go right ahead, Christian. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, whoa. OK. So I have an idea. And maybe the girlies will understand. The ladies will like this. So you know the Pilates grippy socks? Make the grippy's red, red bottom grippy socks. - Whoa. - It's a good idea. - Wow. - It's actually a genuinely good idea. (laughing) - Red ban was grippy socks after he visits the hospital after a mini heart attack. What do you think about? - All right. - I don't get it. Like what's the red? - Well, I actually know about this 'cause I listened to an incredible amount of the hip hop industry that there are fancy shoes called red bottoms. And they're made by-- - Christian Louboutin. - That is correct. And so therefore, there is a market share in which he could be making-- - Socks with red bottoms. - Yeah, and they would get worn in and people would have to buy more of them using some of that apple ear pod energy. Instead of just a pair of shoes that'll last a long time. I think this is a good idea. - No, it is a good idea. - Okay, thank you. Thank you so much. - Come up with it. - Yeah. - No, it's great. We'll have to see what happens next. - Yeah. - Derek, what do you think about all this? - I thought it was great. That was definitely something with my accent I could not do on stage. But very funny. It's fun when somebody like you get up here where you kind of-- you're like small and unsuming and then you have these big hitting jokes that are smart. It's fun to watch them. - Thank you. - That's our blind bass player, everybody. Just coming in, coming back in from a little bathroom break. If you're wondering what that noise was, that is a blind bass player, everyone. Very rarely can you tell that he's blind, but I don't even think it was him that hit it. I actually think it was a producer there. - Aya, you are awesome. That is another brand new great minute from you. You're fantastic, everybody loves you. You're on the rise, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. The great and powerful Aya ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We're gonna keep it moving. We have another lady. We got three guys and three ladies so far here tonight. Make some noise for a holly. Everybody, here comes holly. (upbeat music) - What's up, guys? So I am a Jew. You're welcome or I'm sorry, depending on who you are at this point. As a Jew, I do wanna say, I do believe in free Palestine, but only 'cause I love when things are free. (audience laughing) I just got married recently. Thank you. Yeah, it's really sweet. When I met him, he was homeless. Yeah, I was really sweet. One minute, he was living in a box, and next minute, he was munching mine. So, he had a sign that said need money for food, and I let him eat my ass, so. (audience laughing) He actually makes me so wet. We started calling my pussy the soup kitchen. (audience laughing) What's wrong, you guys don't like soup. No, I, the only downside to being married is I can't do my favorite threat anymore when I was single, I loved to threaten to fuck people's dads. (audience cheering) Because when you threaten to fuck someone's mom, they take it as a joke, but when you threaten to fuck someone's dad, they're like, "Please don't, he'll really do it." Uh-huh. Thank you guys, that's my time. Oh, yeah, welcome, Holly. Is this your first time on the show? This is my second time. Okay, little different. You little gothier than last time? I was pretty gothier last time. I was the toad girl with taxidermy and whatnot. Oh, okay. All right, well, welcome back. Thank you. Yeah, I remember you. What happened, why are you on crutches? I, uh, I burnt dinner and I was talking back to the husband I'm just getting. Um, no, I was a delivering doordash and I just took a bad fall down the stairs and I fractured two of my bones and my foot, so. Damn, damn. Does doordash help you when that happens on the clock? No, not at all. Do you remember what the delivery was? Uh, it was Taco Bell. Damn, see, isn't that just depressing? [ Laughter ] Um, go ahead, Derek. We've had quite a few people come out with some stuff going on. [ Laughter ] Welcome to Kiltzony, Dan. I mean, it's pretty wild. I can't wait for a guy with a pig leg to show up. Err. They got one back then. I believe you. Be careful what you wish for. There was a time where Shane famously, as Trump said, but he bring out another fucked up person, Tony. And I go, it may happen right now. When a guy with little hands came out like that, like, "Hey, everybody, it's like, it's one of the things I've watched the clip, like, 500 times." Sometimes I watch it to pick up my mood a little bit. It's the greatest thing ever. It's just a moment in time. Oh. Comedians are like that, by the way. It's not like a Kiltzony thing. We forget, but like, at the open mics and shit, everybody's hobbling and wobbling, fucking missing an eye, this, that, everything. Yeah, she clearly accidentally hit a headstone. Yeah, exactly. She's just playing in the cemetery. Yeah, it is. You are a goth Jew, the very rare gothic Jew. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you, Hawley? When the blood and everything inside of you just-- I mean, I do really like free stuff. You do. And I love money. I used to be a stripper. Last time I came here, I got a job at the strip club. That's right. And you were funnier than your boyfriend, right? Is that right? Or we said that. The internet is currently arguing about that, actually. Oh, OK, controversial finish. Yeah, the internet be doing that. But so how was the job? You got it at the yellow rose? Oh, yeah. I mean, I liked it at first. I realized stripping isn't really for me to be completely honest. Right. People don't like tipping the strippers on crutches, so. I wasn't on crutches yet. No, I just decided it wasn't really for me. Got it, that makes sense, hey? Some people grow out of it, that makes sense. Gothic Jew strippers are a rare bird, I will tell you that. Actually, since I was last on the show, a bunch of people wanted to send me taxidermy in exchange for only fans' pictures and stuff. So give us an example of what you've traded for your only fan. I didn't. I didn't. But somebody wanted to send me a taxidermy to iguana for feet picks. Red band? Red band, I remember when you bought that iguana. You were so excited about it. That needs feet picks among you. So are you an only fan? Jewish feet picks, no doubt about it. Are you an only fans right now? No, no. No. No, I'm not. People really wanted me, too, though. So how you making money now? Well, it was Door Dash for a little bit. I'm probably going to go into school for behavioral therapy, though. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. You were really switching it up. Yeah. Yeah, you are. How about you go for a region manager for hot topic? I wish. Well, Holly, fun times. You did it again. What size joke book did you get last time, a big one? Yeah. All right. There you go. Well, then you did it. You got it. Here's another one. Here's another big black one. It matches your everything. Oh, so cute. Very close. It landed on my tits, thank you. Yep, I always throw towards the tits. Thanks, guys. I always throw towards the tits. That's what I always say. Throw towards the tits. It's a fun job throwing joke books at people's tits, all day. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Aiden McCloskey, everybody. Aiden McCloskey. Oh, yeah, here we go. Hey, how's it going? Nice. All right, cool. I'm doing good, I guess. I don't know. It's men's mental health month, I guess. I really wasn't aware there was a problem with men's mental health. Until I saw a TikTok that was like, hey, tell your boys that you love them. If you don't think there's a problem with men's mental health, text your boy at a late hour that you love him, dude. I texted my buddy who was like 1230 at night. I'm like, hey, man, love you. He calls me immediately. Are you killing yourself? What's going on? I had a buddy once call me. Tell me who's killing himself. Yeah. That sucked. I was like, what'd you call me? Why was I your first round draft pick on that one, man? And he's going on and on and on, and he just finally hits me with, give me one good reason I shouldn't kill myself. And I was like, you didn't give me a whole lot of time to study for this test, man. I don't know. Don't. And then I was like, wait, man, I thought you were doing better than me, to be honest. And then I started thinking, I'm like, wait a minute, should I fucking kill myself? What the hell? So I'm like, well, I'll kill myself. Absolutely, hilarious. Aiden and McQuasky, very, very funny, man. Welcome. How long have you been on stand up? Like seven years? Talk, yeah. Definitely seems like it absolutely rock solid the entire way through. You seemed human, present, and absolutely fucking hilarious. That was fantastic. Appreciate it. [BLANK_AUDIO] -Are you nervous, or do you-- -Oh, yeah. Well, I'm nervous, but I also just, like, shake. -That's your fans. -Yeah, I have. -Like, dude. -Well, it's not like my thing. I just, like, fucking shake. Like, they're like, "I don't walk in." And they're like, "That's the fucking shaky guy, yeah?" -That's what I thought. -No, no, no. That's, like, I just do-- -Is it, like, drugs? -I used to do a lot, yeah. -Yeah, but now it's just, like-- -Yeah, this is cool. -It's just, like, withdrawal. -No, I just fucking shake. -Oh, just shake, okay. -Yeah, all right. -What's going on, Aiden? How you doing, doc? -Good, man. -Good to see you. I didn't expect to see you. -I didn't expect to see you. -Oh, nice. -Like, four years ago in Minnesota, and it was only about nine people at each show. -Yeah. -We went to Mall of America, -speaking of killing ourselves. -Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, I had a lot of those thoughts that weekend, but I want to tell you, Aiden, I've seen your stuff online. You opened for me. You're a hell of a joke writer. -Oh, yeah. -Thanks. -Seven years in. This guy's a dynamite joke writer. -Oh, okay, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. -Good, great work. -I love that. -You live here now, Aiden? -What's it? -You live in Austin now? -No, I live in Minneapolis. -Why do you live in Minneapolis? Just out of curiosity. -I have a fiancee. -Yes, and she's a good job. -Yeah, good job. -Families there. -Yeah, that's basically what makes people live in Minneapolis. That makes sense. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Is that where you're from? -No, I grew up in a small town in Galesville, Wisconsin. -Okay. -Yeah, shout out Galesville. -The Big G. Hell, yeah. -As people refer to it. -You are hilarious. -Comity. -Yeah, I do stand up. But then, like, I also, like, take care of an old guy. I used to be like a PCA, and then I was gonna quit. And they was like, "Please don't quit." So I was like, "All right, I'll work with just you." So I worked with him like six hours a week. -So you babysit an old man? -Well, I wouldn't say I babysit him. I mean, we hang up. I shouldn't say this, but we smoke a lot of pot together. -He's a pretty cool guy. -Oh, nice. I'm probably gonna get fucking fired for saying that to be honest. But I really hope my boss doesn't watch this. But yes, I do. I hang out with an old guy. We go to movies. We go to the grocery store. And then we smoke once in his apartment with the windows down. -That's the shit. -Yeah. That's amazing. That's one of the best fun facts. That's one of the best jobs in Minneapolis, Minnesota right now. -Yeah. -And that's the hospice we all need. -Yeah. -Someone to take care of you. -Exactly. -We'll blow dream on your way out. -That's what we can only hope for when we're an old man to hang out with a young guy that's shakier than us. -The shaky guy, yeah. -What's the good job that the fiance has? -She's a software engineer. -Nice. -Absolutely. -A woman in STEM, yeah. -You see a lot of crazy stuff out there on the streets in Minneapolis that always, according to the news, there's always some absolutely nuts shit happening in Minneapolis. -They make it seem that way, but it's usually cordoned off to a few blocks. And then I feel like the news sensationalizes it. People get this misconception, but there's a lot of nice people in Minnesota. I feel like you guys, if you want to visit, you should come and visit. Fucking throw brick through a window, light a target on fire. I mean, it's fun. -I don't know. -Yeah, I don't know. -You are so funny. How long are you in town for? How long are you in Austin? -I am in town until Saturday morning. I thought about leaving early to be honest. I was actually texting my fiance, being like, "I don't know why I come down here every time I come." Last time I came, I got re-rended in my fucking rental car. This morning, I got re-rended again in my rental car. Might be the shakier driving. That wasn't me. No, it wasn't the shakin' at all. No, the shakin' didn't do that at all. It was just, like, person texting on their phone. Then I got out shakin'. Yeah. -It's a lot of re-rending. -It's like, "Why are you shakin'? Oh, it's a fucking shakin' guy. No shit." -That is a lot of re-rending. -You? Aiden, what brought you to Austin this week? -Just try and come down and get into the club. -I love it. -This show. -I honestly, I've signed up for this, like, a bunch of times. And have, like, left, not getting on. And was, like, texting my fiance, "I am going to leave. I don't know why I'm here. I hope I don't get re-rended." [ Laughter ] Well, I'll tell you what. Have you been in the other room yet? Is the booker gotten a seal? The booker has gotten to see me, and that set did not go very well about two hours ago. Oh, shit. The same joke I actually, like, closed on. I did over there, and they did not fuck with me. -Interesting. -Yeah. -What the fuck? I was just going to send you up there, but I can't have them see you twice in the same night. -You should, but please, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, though. -Oh! -There you go. [ Cheers and applause ] -And the real pain gig in Austin, Texas. That's a big joke, but there is as funny as it could be, Aiden. There goes Aiden McCluskey, everybody. -Thank you, Gage. Tell you. That's what it's all about. I love it when actual, you know, up-and-coming fucking sep-in-year vets sign up for the show. I think it's the smartest thing they could possibly do. You come out, you have the best stand-up comedy fans in the world, people that are addicted to it and watch every single week see you. You get your name out there. He's certainly going to sell more tickets in his hometown, and anywhere he goes from now on, so congrats to Aiden McCluskey. Your next fucking poll goes by the name of Paulina Perez, everybody. Paulina Perez. [ Cheers and applause ] -I'm a bi-Mexican girl, but I like to make bad decisions. So I usually go for men, and my standards for men are pretty low. Like, you're gonna be nice. You don't have good morals, but you have to be circumcised. Because when I go down there, I don't want to be, you know, stroking it. And seeing the head pop out of the little hood like. [ Laughter ] That's what it looks like, fellas. Promise you. When I was in college, I was really broke, so I decided to do what any brave woman would do for our great nation. And I decided to try out for a strip club. So I walked into a strip club, and, you know, you have to dance for them, you go. [ Chuckles ] That was their exact reaction. So they hired me as the poll. [ Laughter ] Yeah, that's one minute. -Exactly a minute from Paulina Perez. Welcome, Paulina. How long have you been on stand-up? -I started two months ago. -Nice. What made you want to start two months ago? -When I had, like, a real job that I would just say really out of pocket shit, so. -Yeah. What was the real job? -I used to work at an AI company on a startup AI company. -Okay. And you'd have to show up at the office for that? -Yeah, I did. Yeah. -Be a goofy guy. -Yep. -Of the office, yeah? -So Paulina, is that true? You're a bi-Mexican? -I am a bi-Mexican. -So what do you think your ratio is? -This is a pure 50-50. Do you lean towards one or the other? -Oh, I usually. I mean, I told you, I make bad decisions. I usually go for men. So. Mexican men, which is even worse. -So you're just some normal Mexican. [ Laughter ] -No man is way. [ Laughter ] -We all like a little bit of women, yeah? There's always something. -Why do we say bi-Mexican, like, you're a unicorn? Like, you're like, "I'm a bi-Mexican. Are Mexicans not normally bi?" -No, they're usually closeted women. -Oh, yeah. -Well, I learned that live. [ Laughter ] -Yeah. -You can normally tell I feel like when you see a lesbian-ish Mexican lady because they have the hair and the face. It's like a round face. They basically kind of look like Francisco. -Right? -Yeah, man. -Yeah. Hair cut. -Yeah. -It's no very lady-like Mexican lesbians. It's always. -Do we look alike? Is that what you're saying? Is that racist, is it? -I can be bi for you if you want to. I don't know. [ Laughter ] -So, Paulina, what is your favorite thing about hooking up with a lady? -Oh, definitely the boobs. Men don't have that. -Roll. [ Laughter ] -I got a pair of boobs. -That's it! -I'm gonna turn you day around. -Yeah. Yeah. Hey, catch me on a jog. I'll get you going. [ Laughter ] -And I've got some pointy nipples. It's crazy. -I got big areaolas. I can take up the whole boot. -All right. All right. Right, man. Very good. Fucking disgusting. -So, is it also only pretty much Mexican women that you like hooking up with? -Yeah, basically. -Right. So, being a Mexican, when you're being lesbian-ish as a Mexican, do you have trouble flicking the bean? Or do you want to just eat it? Because your people love beans so much. Do you understand what I'm saying? -Yeah. -Okay. It was kind of a reach, a rare Mexican lesbian joke. But these are the shots I take, you know what I mean? You ever see Steph Curry before the game? He's like on the other side of the court shooting balls. -It's not really supposed to be on the actual, okay. -Right, right. Got it. I like eating bean. -What? -I like eating bean. -Perfect. -Yeah. There you go. You said it. You can have that one. So, Paulina, very, very interesting. What do you do for fun? -Well, I. I'm a writer, I write. -What part of San Antonio do you live in? -I'm not from San Antonio. [ Laughter ] -I'm from California. I'm from Southern California. -Okay. What part of Southern California? -I'm from Riverside, California. -Okay. Yes, the San Antonio of California. We know it very well. -Yeah, I'm actually from like a rural area. So, like, the most interesting thing about me is that, like, on paper, I'm like a red-neck Republican. Like, I, I, like, shoot ducks out of the sky for fun. -Okay. -I'm a duck hunter. -Okay, Francisco. -All right. -Does your family know you're a bi? 'Cause in Mexican culture, you know, they know like that. -Yeah, yeah, they know. -They know? What do they, what do they say? -Oh, I know. -Yeah. Does your dad, Paul, know about this? -My dad, Paul? -Yeah. -My dad's dad. -Oh, no. That doesn't hurt my family. [ Laughter ] -Actually, you told me I could be whoever I wanted to. So, yeah, before he died, he gave his blessing to be an LGBTQ community, yeah? -Wow. Incredible. How do you die? -Cancer. -When you told him. [ Laughter ] -Very good. -Yeah. -He died from finding out his daughter was bi. -Yeah. -I do want to say, there's two months in, getting up in front of this audience. That's extremely brave. -Yeah. -So, that is really good. Absolutely. -Not for nothing. -Thanks. -Very confident. -Thank you. I appreciate it. -I completely agree. -Paulina, any other crazy fun facts about you that you think make you different than other people? -Well, if that wasn't, I mean, there's a lot. -There's a lot. I mean, I hunt ducks. I worked for AI. I'm a writer. I got this cool hair. -What are you writing? -I write about AI. I policy right about philosophy, about culture stuff. I actually just wrote about Dave Chappelle, too. I don't know. I just write about everything. -Interesting. -Yeah. -Mexican AI, or is I call it AI-i-i? -Oh, shit. -There you go. There's another one. You like that one? Better than the bean one. Better than the bean. You actually took my joke. I have the joke that, like, the next-- the next-- to get back at Trump, we got to elect a Mexican as the next U.S. president. And instead of the IRS, it'd be the AI-i-i-i-r-s. -Okay. There you go. Yes. AI-i-i is the thing Mexican people would say. -And instead of Medicare, we'd have the Santa-sana colito de rana-care. -I'm going to check in with Francisco Ramos on this one. -I agree with that. Well, that's a good perfect. -Check it out. -You're very-- -I saw one. -Very funny, Paulina. Here's a big joke, but congratulations. Two months in, you're on a great-- you're on a great path. You're doing everything right. -Thanks so much. I appreciate it. -Paulina Perez, ladies and gentlemen, and we keep moving on. Your next bucket pool. -You guys having fun out there, huh? [ Cheers and applause ] -To a reminder, Derek Strutin at Southjick on Netflix, Francisco Ramos, still learning. It's available everywhere, Amazon Apple YouTube TV everywhere. We're at MSG, August 7th and 8th for U.S. coasters. And as you now know, we are doing Las Vegas. November 13th and 14th. So get out of the winter cold wherever you are and come hang out in Vegas for a fun weekend. Couple killtonies back to back on a Friday Saturday. All right, back to the bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Mark Cunningham, everybody. ♪♪ -Ah, it's, uh. I was, uh, hi-- hi, you guys, ladies and gentlemen, and doing tonight. A little nervous here, I'm in front of the legends here. Dean fucking Martin over here with the cigarette. And shit, a fucking, "You're so sexy, man." [ Laughter ] Now, I want to make a reveal. I want to make a reveal about Tony, yeah. We go way back. We, uh, first time we ever had, uh, intercourse was in February. You remember that, eh? This man's a sexy meme, bro. Like, we -- that was fun. I want to -- I want to explain it. But after I -- after we had our intercourse back in February, Tony -- Tony ain't gay, man. He's straight fucking up, man. Like, you should have seen it. It's like -- it's like high-y stuff over here, man. Like, bro. Is -- if comedy is this, let's go, bro. Let's go, Danny. Yeah. I've never been more scared in my life. Welcome to the show, Mark. Are you -- have you ever done stand-up before? Did you just prepare that? I once fucked you fake monologue to -- You remember? Maybe I blocked it out, maybe getting butt-fucked by the fucking -- The bad guy from Home Alone 1, who ended up being the good guy. So technically, he wasn't the bad guy. Old man's shovel slayer ended up being a hero in the end. And here he is, live in the flood. Hey, I ain't no unabomber, I'm a lover. Okay. And we get it. Are we going to be able to get anything real out of a possible interview with you, or is this just -- Let's just go. So have you ever tried stand-up before? Yeah. Okay. For how long? How long have you been trying to -- I've played a lot of poker. I've talked a lot of shit on the poker table. Okay. So you've never done stand-up, Mark, and your plan -- Yeah. I've done this shit. Okay, so let's try it again. So here we go. I've been standing up like three years. Yep. Three years. Okay. We're at -- Well, I've been kicked out of a lot of places. I can see why, Mark. Yeah. But I'm starting to figure it out, I feel. Because you brought me up here. Okay. Can you give us at least a state that you did stand-up in? It's -- Well, I'm from a city called Slitzville. It's a very beautiful city. It's a place where there's a lot of community and love. And it's -- Have you ever heard of Oklahoma? No. So, Oklahoma. Oklahoma. Yes. Yes, we've heard of Oklahoma. Oklahoma means red people. That's what Oklahoma means. And I'm a red person, partly, not much. But partly. Real Elizabeth Warren energy is over here. That's about right. Yeah. So, no, but seriously, like, if you guys have heard of Oklahoma City, they're world champions. And blah, blah, blah. And they lost this year. But if you've ever heard of Tulsa, and if you're dyslexic, like, Tony is -- Yes. I'm a gay dyslexic man. If you spell Tulsa backwards, it's a slut. That's what they call it, Slitzville. Amazing. Tulsa, Oklahoma. We're lovers there. Yeah. You didn't believe that, did you? So, let me ask you a serious question, Mark. Did you drive here or fly here from Oklahoma for this? Hey, I don't want to hurt nobody, I didn't -- I didn't drive. Well, if he gets enough copper, he'll drive back. I'll look back. Yeah. It just depends on if he can get enough copper, because trust me, where I'm from, I know what they look -- that guy's here for copper, Tony. He's acting like he's slept with you. He wants the copper off of the air conditioner. No doubt. Cadillac converter. Yeah. I wish I could tell the story about our first intercourse moment, Tony, but damn impressive. Go ahead. Describe it more. I want to hear this fantasy that you've had. So this is the fantasy I had. So we're at Misty's over here in the next door. And -- Yes, Misty's. We all love hanging out at Misty's. Misty's. Yeah. And so, it's -- it's got a lot of legend to it. It's like -- it's the reason why they call it Misty's the three years old, yep. Go ahead. The reason why they call it that is pretty cool, because Misty was like this mafioso comic woman in LA, and she gave Joe his chance, and that's why they call it Misty's. Okay, Mark, I'm going to -- What are you talking about? Yeah. Is that true? No. I mean, she was the creator of the comedy source. She created the layout of the modern showcase comedy club. She gave Joe an opportunity. She gave everybody an opportunity from Robin Williams. What about fucking me? I wasn't there. Right. Yeah. So, Mark, I'm going to -- I'm going to help you out of here, Mark. Please, please. Here you go. Here's -- here's -- here I'm going to give you that. Take that. There you go. Mark, you got to hit it, buddy. We love you. There you go. Mark cunning him. Okay. There he is. A real hero. Thank you. Thank you, Mark. Thank you. Next time, do a set, buddy. Try to do jokes. There you go. Mark cunning him. Wow. I'm real, real interesting people mixed in here. Again, I'm trying to find out if these people drive or fly. Like, it's like, and do they come just for this? Is it like, I want -- I'm in the mood for Terry Blacks. Maybe I'll sign up for Kill Tony. It's like, I don't -- I can't fathom that people would fly here without preparing. It boggles my mind. But this is the modern state of the world. All right. Make some noise to your next bucket, Bull. Give me fun, Tane, everybody, Jimmy, fun, Tane. Oh, yeah. What's up? How y'all feeling, Austin? What? That's what I'm talking about, man. I'm getting ready to, man. Shout out to everybody. Like, to hold on to their high school weight. I got a homeboy, right? He called me the other day. And he don't think he got big. He called me. He was like, "Hey, yo, man. Jimmy, man. I'm done doing all this, man. I want to rob Nick, man. I don't want to be a gangster. I don't think you could be a gangster, man. He said, "Why?" 'Cause we're 33. I said, "Not Nick." 'Cause you got hips. These two gave me my friend, and you think, you know what I'm saying? Like, I can't rob a bank with you, and we go out. I started to wait, and I started hearing clapping. 'Cause I'm a clop right with you, bro. I'm a clop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Those are not hands. Like, what the hell is going on, bro? Like, could you imagine, though? Like, we've robbed somebody, right? But they've blinded. Right? And they asked us, have you seen the perp? He was like, nah, man, but I heard him. He went a size 12. He had titties and ass. And it's crazy now, because like, you got to think about it, bro, 'cause like, anything that regular line up, no more, bro. When they put us in this type of line up, bro, you're going to have to do physical activities now. Everybody started torquing and jumping up and down. You got it. You know, I crazed it out of B, man. That's my time. And my name is Jimmy Fontaine, man. They got so much for y'all. I love it. Jimmy Fontaine, with a minute, and energy coming off of Alaska, is a breath of fucking fresh air. Fantastic. Right here. You came here. You prepared. You planned. You performed. Amazing. What you can do when given a magical opportunity like this. Derek. Hello, and you've been doing comedy. In 2017, but when I moved to Atlanta, so I started in Orlando. And I moved to Atlanta, and because, like, filming everything, I took a whole year off. So I'll say eight years. Okay. Like four years started, one year off, then four years. So you're an actor? Yes, sir. I do stunts and I'm an actor. Oh, a small time actor. Stunts. Yes, sir. Which one? So I do a lot of Tyler Perry shows, man. So, like, uh. Oh, hell, yeah. Stunts and wigs. There you go. Yeah. So, like, I've done, like, Beauty and Black. All his dramas and all that stuff. Nice. Yeah. You have a nice confidence. Like, when you came out here, I could tell, like, the room wasn't too big for you. You were looking at the audience and, like, your delivery and pacing. And I think that's almost. I mean, writing is important, but also, you. I mean, you feel like you got the juice, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I appreciate it. You kind of were holding court there, so I enjoyed that. I appreciate it. Yeah, that means a lot, man. Yeah. I love it. You are a true performer. Jimmy, how old are you? I'm 33 now. 33. You're killing it. And you still live in Atlanta? Oh, yes, sir. But it's, like, living in Atlanta. I tell these boring white people what it's like out there. So. Like. Oh, yeah. Right, back to you then. That. Everything you know about Atlanta is true, man. Like, you know what I'm saying? I lived in Orlando for, like, 10 years, right? I leave my car window down. Down town, Orlando. Nothing happened. I moved to Atlanta, and someone stole my calac convert out of my car. Yeah. In my apartment complex. Like, it's terrible out there. I'm not doing a lot like. Yeah. And I was at the Fox Theatre. We was at the Fox Theatre, and we were just, like, doing the crew release of Black Panther. And, like, my car. My other car got broken into it. Someone took my gun, man. It's. It's. It's terrible, man. It's hard being Black in Atlanta, man. I like Atlanta. It's hard, you know? I mean, it's a different place. You know, everybody loves rap music to their inner lyric, you know what I mean? Yeah, hey, look. Yeah. Hey. Hey. And for y'all that don't know, when you ain't a lyric, I mean, you. You on a certain hour, you got gunned down, so. 100%. Yeah, that's what it mean by being in the lyric in the rap song. Either that or you got robbed. Hell, yeah. And I missed it. Where were you before Atlanta? Orlando, Florida. Orlando. Yes, sir. Did you know Cam Patterson about him? Yeah. Like, Cam Patterson, David Jolly. Like, those are like. Yeah, sir. Yep. That's our Orlando crew. You've done, like, Mike Swift Cam or, like, performed with Cam? Yeah. So, like, we started out when. When Cam came in, also, famous Mike in Orlando called the other bar. They moved into Harry Buffalo, so, like, which. It was called the Harry Buffalo. And that's when I kind of first met Cam. And, uh, David Jolly was always one of my mentors. Even when I didn't believe myself. He was like, "Hey, man, bro, you got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. He, these motherfuckers, neck." Yeah. You always tell 'em. Yep. David Jolly's a very positive guy. We love him. Yeah. Uh, I love it. Jimmy, would you ever have a real job? Uh, before that, yeah. I was in the military. So I did eight years in the military. I worked at McDonald's. Hell, yeah. Appreciate it. Appreciate it, man. Thank y'all. Thank you for your service. And Redban, thanks you for your McDonald's service as well. I'm loving it. I can kinda. What branch of the military were you? What's in the army? Okay. And what did you do over there? Give us a little breakdown over your eight years in the army. So my job was 25 uniform, which is a signal support system specialist. Basically, all common, right? Uh, so anything that happened to do with, like, setting up the radios that we talk on. The radios inside the tank, the one, the OE254K was basically, like, the retrans cables and everything like that. That's what I did. And that was my actual job. But, like, when I deployed, all I had to do was, like, fix routers and Wi-Fi's. Right. So, like, radio, like, you worked like in Best Buy? Basically. I could, but, like, for some reason, your military training don't translate over to the civilian world. No. So, like, I had to go back to school for that. I was like, "Yeah, I am not doing that shit." Right. Yeah. Well, that's perfect. It seems like you're loving your life. Um, you have a girlfriend? I have a wife, uh, Mary. A matter of fact, we were married for five years. Our anniversary was, uh, June 13th, uh, just bad. Nice. Five years. Nineteen. Good for you. What does she do for a living? Uh, she's a, she's a, she's got a degree in biology. So, right now, she's a dermatologist. Uh, she's a dermatologist. So, she gross, she's a grocer, which means they just take skin samples and actually, like, uh, send it off to hospitals and everything to see if anyone got, like, skin cancer and things like that. Wow. Incredible. Five years. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? Five years. How do you keep things exciting? Uh, we, honestly, sometimes we add, like, we don't know each other. Like, you have to, you have to, you have to refresh. That's great. That's good. You have to refresh every time. You have to refresh it. So, like, what we do is, like, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh, like, I just met her all over again. So, I'm like, yeah, oh, how you doing there? So, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm breaking the house sometimes. Look. I feel like that's kind of like, you know what I'm saying? Oh, so great. Francisco Rama. Is she, uh, is she, is she black? Is she white? Yes, she's black. She's black. Okay. Yes, sir. No, I just, why? She's kind of used to it, my old shit. Yeah, you can't do the fake break into the house if it's a white lady. It's kind of. It doesn't quite work the same. Listen. Ah! Oh, amazing. That is so funny. You're a funny guy, Jimmy. Tell us another fun fact about your life. Anything wacky about you? What's the whitest thing about you? You have, like, a Pokemon card collection or anything? And what would surprise us? I would know. I really do have a UEO collection, though. But, like, I think the whitest thing about me is, like, um. I've done a lot. Like, I've done a lot of my life. Like, I graduated high school. I graduated college. I have a bachelor's degree. Yeah. I feel like-- That's the whitest. Yeah. A lot of you wait for me. Let the record show. That's technically the most racist thing that's been said on this episode. So wild. Could you imagine? Let's reverse it. I'll go. Have you ever done anything white like graduate? What a man. The way it would have been hilarious. Weird. I would have passed out from laughter, but it may have been rough for some of the listeners at all. It did. Everybody knew I was joking. Stupid way, right? I don't know. I picked my bills on time, too, sir. Wow. Look at this. The people in Atlanta are going to be pissed at you when you go back there. Oh, man. I ain't trying to get jumped, man. You don't know. I love it. 33 years old. Yes, sir. Black folks have the best skin. It is incredible. Really? It's incredible. I don't never guess 33. I mean, if you were out of fare, you'd be hell. They'd never guess your age, bubba. Yeah. 33. You look good. That's crazy you said about my skin, too, man. Because last year I came down here for, like, the Moon Tower comedy festival. And a white lady said the same thing. Like, true story. She was like, oh, yeah. You got a nice skin. I was like, rip it off and wear it. And I didn't-- wait, wait, wait, wait. See, they always go a little too far these white ladies. Did that-- I didn't know I'd be able to drive a China? I know. How do I get-- how do I get-- we ain't get to answer me yet. And we ain't get that close. Man, they always take it a little too far. You have nice skin. I'd like to wear it. Yeah, we were at the speak-easy last year. Do you have any kids? No, we don't have any kids. So we have a cat, though. OK, that's not what-- That's the whitest thing about you. Yeah. That's fun. That is. Oh, I didn't-- no, I thought everybody had cats. What colors-- what color-- what color is the cat? We have a black short hair cat. That's right. See, so it's pretty close to a cat. Indoor or outdoor cat. Do you fight them? No, no, no, no. We don't do cat fights, man. It's an indoor cat, though. She's afraid like she's been treated and everything. She doesn't go outside. What's her name? Salem. I don't know. Very nice. What kind of, you know, something like Sabrina? She up to any wacky business ever. She ever misbehaved. No, no, actually, no. She doesn't. She's amazing. Like, that's the one right there. I love the cat. I'm not gonna lie, love. Like, and I hated cats the first. I hated cats, and then-- It was your lady that wanted the cat. Yup. How long have you had the cat for? We had it for a year, January 2015. 2025 is what we got. Look at you. You remember the birthdays, the anniversaries. This fucking, guys. Unbelievable. And you to tell who loves that cat. Yeah. I loved that. Yeah. Yeah. Yup. So let me ask you this. Did you guys go in on, like, did you guys plan for the cat together? Or was she kind of like, I want a cat, and you're kind of like, I don't know? And then she just got the cat. Now, she asked me a couple of times. She was like, are you sure? I'm getting it. Because of my job in her, they're working a film. She said she got lonely at the house. So I was like, nah, I really don't want a cat because I don't want to have the clean up out there. And then she was like, you know, cats actually clean themselves. I was like, all right, cool. We can try it. You know what I mean? You know that? No, I did not. You didn't know cats clean? You thought they were like dogs? Yup. And so, you know what I'm saying? I found out that you can't, what you could, but you shouldn't wash a cat yourselves. Wait, you'll wash a cat? Yeah. Friends, I love friends. This goes followed. You didn't know? You didn't know cats are self-cleaning animal. Who didn't know who didn't know that? Why do I sound like Japanese? You thought you could wash cat? Yeah. I made you a little more Asian than you are there. You thought you washed a cat? - Amazing. - All right, Jimmy, I feel like I could ask you questions forever. I just love your style and energy. There you go. - You're the man, Jimmy Fontaine. - You still work. - Back any time, sign up any time. - Yes sir, thank you so much. - Shout out your social media, some people can follow you. - Oh, you can follow me at Jimmy Fontaine SC, J-I-M-M-Y-F-O-N-T-A-I-N-E-S-E. - What's the SC stand for? - South Carolina. - Oh, North Carolina. - Okay, awesome. There he goes, Jimmy Fontaine, ladies and gentlemen. We have one last fucking poll. One of my favorite things about this show is some of my favorite door guys. Some of my favorite door guy comedians, you know, every door person here is a comedian just like at the comedy store. And a lot of these people, just like at the comedy store, some of the most truly the most promising rising talents, like undeniable forces that will be wildly successful touring comedians one day. This is without a doubt one of those guys. He's been on this show a few times, just organically pulled him out of the bucket. I'm pretty sure he's working a shift here tonight. One of the best writers, one of my favorite humans in the club, makes a noise for the long awaited return of Miles Johnson, everybody. Hello, hello white people. It's good to see you all. I love, I love, the whites, whites are great. It kind of makes, it just, thank you, it just kind of makes this next part a little harder to say. If what the liberals have been telling me is true, white slavery is coming. I didn't understand it's not the best news to hear from me, I get it. I'll be good to you, alright? I don't want one, alright? I'm a nice guy, you can imagine a guy, like me, guy in glasses, just fucking, just fucking, oh boy, come here boy, oh God, that feels right. Your name is Davey on now, boy. Some poor white guy, just fucking, just, look, Brian. My name is Luke Brian. Absolutely unbelievable, as always, the freak of nature writer, performer, truly, one of the funniest people I know, Miles Johnson, Miles, you're hilarious, thank you, you're always so funny, truly a freak of nature, how's life going? Pretty good, I didn't think I was going to go up, I smoked like a whole joint in Midseys, nice. Oh yeah. Did I seem high? No. I mean besides your shirt being tucked in, but I do that, I take day off, sometimes I'll rip one, I'll go, I think I'm going to tuck it in. Yeah. I think you'll like it. You just got a little lightning, absolutely, right a little lightning. Did you tuck it in after smoking? Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those ancient, uncomfortable tops. You go, you go, you go, you go, real high, man, you go, real high, man, man, man with a shirt tuck, it could never be high, that's right, I'm a business man. You don't normally, it backs out, it's a little belly mull, it's a little mull, it actually, runs tucked back to party. My funny stuff, man, very, that original comedy is so fun, not like worn out premises and stuff, like I've never seen anybody do a joke like that, and it was, it was great, it really was. The Luke Bryan part. Yeah. That's your boy in a headlock, I like it. Luke Bryan. That's great. Always the writing on you is what stands out above and beyond. Have I had you do that favorite joke of mine on this show before the one, did you do that before? I did it the first time, we do it again, do it again for these people, it's so, yeah, and I've built it up a little bit, so just pretend like everything's fucking normal, but I sort of got it so good, it's incredible. I'm tucked, I'm tucked the shirt, I'm tucked the shirt, it's the only thing like, no, it's helping, it's helping. It's the only thing that could mess this up, there you go, I don't know, I put my pants up. Maybe tuck it in in the back a little bit, no, I'm kidding, I'm joking, I'm joking. Oh I got it, I got it, hey. Do you think pedophiles would like kids with big dicks, because you think like they would right, you think they would, but at the same time, at the same time, you know. It's the same time, they see a kid with, I'm a little hot, I got it, I got it. You think they'd like kids with big dicks, but at the same time, you think a guy, you know, will pedophile gets a kid with a big dick and he goes, get the fuck out of my, the fuck out of my venue horse dick freak, if I wanted to suck a man's penis, I'd just be gay. It's unbelievable, it's unbelievable, it's an unbelievable joke. We got there dude, we got to, so great, I knew it'd be worth it. You are highest fuck, I don't know if I've ever, I don't know, she was about to end. It was, you were the last bucket pull of the night, it happened perfectly, I liked the fact that your high is fuck. Thank you. I feel more natural. Do you speak faster, like, or like, now that you're high, you're like, because I thought that was your thing, like, being high, but like when you're high, when you're high, like when you're high, are you, are you faster when you speak fast? No, I was being, I think I was trying, I'm actually really slow, I was trying to, I was, what the fuck? I was trying to, I was trying to make it faster, because it's a minute, but it's a long, it's actually a really long joke. No, because I like how you started, because you took, how you took, you took, he is very connected. Every time I've ever seen him, he doesn't rush anything, he like, really lets the crowd feel him out and connects with everybody and then executes. Now, Francis go, you don't smoke that much pot, right? We want to have fucked up, we will, I mean, I was at the comments. Pretty epic, pretty epic story in with Woody Harrelson, Austin, Texas resident and one of the all-time greatest everythings, especially people to hang out with, period. They say don't meet your heroes, for the love of God, meet Woody Harrelson if you get a chance. The coolest guy on Planet Earth, and a fun fact about Woody is he grows his own extremely organic marijuana, and I've been lucky enough to smoke with all the greats, I think I mentioned this on the show before, snoop this that everybody, and Woody Harrelson by far has the best marijuana on Planet Earth, and he has the best personality on Planet Earth. So when you're around him, you tend to smoke, people that don't smoke tend to smoke around him, and people that do smoke tend to smoke more than they would normally smoke. Around him, because it's really good. It's not like, I don't feel good, Pot, it's like, so good until you smoke too much. In sweet Francisco during the Netflix is a joke festival, smoke too much, and he did what we've all done at some point, and greened out. And I don't know if you guys have ever done this before, where you kind of fucking kind of fainted out, but he got caught mid-air by me, Woody Harrelson, and some of Fiona Colley's wheel chair. And Woody, who I'm guessing has done this, perhaps tens of thousands of times, because it has to happen around him a lot, absolutely was the first thing that Francisco saw when he came back to and opened his eyes, and it's just Woody Harrelson right near face going, it's all right, buddy. You're gonna be good. You're good, pal. Just breathe. Come on, we got your ball. All I hear was like, "Wood is here, buddy, wood is here," and I'm like, "What the fuck's happening?" Am I in a movie? What the fuck? And in real time, I'm like, this is the highlight of anybody's Netflix is a joke festival, like getting too high with Woody Harrelson. Did he do like the wobbly, like, "I'm about," or did he just fall down, like, what happened? I just fucking passed out, and I, you know, he did the, what everybody does, and I've done this many times, is, it's been a while, but you, that used to do it way back in the day, is that you try to escape, because you don't want anybody to see you kind of not feel like that. I was like, "I want to come out. I need to get some fresh air." We were outside. Exactly. Right. It's always how it is. It's always like, I just have to go to another area. That's gonna make me feel better. And he was walking fast. It's impossible to describe, but God, I wish I could paint the picture, because there were so many people, and there's like this much space to get through. And Francisco was jogging kind of through people for this great escape. And then he made it like right here, Woody's right there, and Fiona's wheelchairs right there, and just kinda, and we all like caught him. What was my point? I don't remember, but it was. It's just an epic, epic story, 'cause Francisco and I, when you started the comedy store 19 years ago, you don't think you're gonna have fucking, you know. You're gonna have to do and breathe in exercise. (laughing) He was like, come on, buddy, just inhale, one, two, three. I was like, what the fuck? We did it all. Miles Johnson, I find you to be so fucking funny. I'm gonna do something special here that I don't think I've ever done before. And I'm going to award you a panel position on an upcoming episode of the show. (cheering) I think it's time that the little baby boy is all grown's up. We could sit here and jam an episode. (cheering) And you'll be on the whole goddamn show. (cheering) You know, love you. I'll be on the secret show Thursday if you want to be on the secret show Thursday. The secret show is love. That means a while's success. Truly, that's the future right there. Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah, brother, you're the man. One more time for Miles, everybody. (cheering) I'm telling you, he has so many fucking great jokes like that pedophile one, but the pedophile one was the one that I fell in love with. I would just be gay if I wanted a horse cock. He's my favorite kind of comic like silly goofy. He's great. He's so good. Takes his time. Fucking feels the crowd, always different. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've made it to the end of the show. And if you guys are fans of the modern era of Kiltzoni, you will know that our current undisputed, undefeated, most powerful regular is just on the other side of that curtain. He is an anomaly, his fucking writing, delivery, everything. I'm just a super fan. I get to sit back and be a fan for a minute, every single week that I bring this guy out. Makes the noise for a brand new minute from the real deal. This is Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. [MUSIC PLAYING] Bugs. Other night, I was out on a date with this girl, told me she was wearing a butt plug. I was like, that ain't stopping me. [LAUGHS] Nice ride. Sloppy top. Are we familiar with that term? All right, well, if you're not, it's when a girl gives you a blowjob. And she's retarded. [LAUGHS] And getting a blowjob from a girl with braces can be dangerous. So make sure she's old enough. [LAUGHS] One time I hooked up with a girl so big, one plan B wasn't enough. [LAUGHTER] Had to get a plan B plus, which is just a hokey with fennel in it. Oh, yeah. Thank you. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, my god. [CHEERING] Good Lord Almighty. [CHEERING] Bugs. Wow, incredible. Thank you, Tony. That guy knows my name. Yes. It is indeed Pat O'Neary. Yeah. You've been getting that a lot. You got people yelling at you on the streets yet. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't fucker waving to me at the window at a stoplight, which I found very. Yeah. That was the most annoying. No, no. Yeah. Get scary out there sometimes. Yeah. Imagine what it's like for them to see you. Not now, god. Look away, I say. Incredible, Derek. Ah, yeah. Joe Crowding's next level pat that was so fun. But I got to say, it was a little triggered with the hokey fennel, because your boy could fall for that. Yeah. You know? That sounds like something that would happen to me. But great stuff, man. Thank you, bud. So good, man. Like, I love also that. Oh, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about with that, but that-- No. Don't act like you don't have a little beetle juice. Like you're doing it now. I already talked about it. So fucking funny. Pat, what's been going on in life? Working on a podcast, getting some wildly mixed reviews, but I am working on it. Yeah. They will-- you can't really-- you have to make it for you, not for them. That's my advice. I agree, yeah, yeah. So what are you doing on this pod? Tell us about it. What's the plan? Ah, well, I'm doing this. Is it called poto-neil? It's called a ray-key-tards. What? What? [LAUGHTER] What? Yeah. But I agree. Do it for you, Tony. [LAUGHTER] I literally don't know. Don't be secure advice. Ray-key-tards. Say it again all together. Ray-key-tards. I don't know what that lady's talking about, but-- Got it. Got it. Ray-key-tards. Yes, that's actually brilliant. Now that I've deciphered it, I think it's great marketing. It's something. [LAUGHTER] And is there something that you-- how do you do this pod? Is it just you interviewing your friends or what is it? There's another great comedian here who works another great dormant, Grant Outcock, and then some other fucking guy. Grant's the shit. Nice. Hell yeah, all very funny people, I think. Whoever the other guy is might be funny, too. Is it a third guy? Yeah, yeah. Perfect. And how many episodes have you done? Like six? Got four of them out. Got it. And when you say reviews, what are you talking about? They want video, but I don't want people looking at my face. And you know what I mean? What I talk about is my business, and my opinions don't represent Kill Tony or the Show. You don't think people would want to see your face, your hilarious face, the trademark iconic, unbelievable that it's real, Pat O'Neill's face. Oh, thank you, Tony. Maybe I'll rethink it. Well, what about $5 a month you get to see your shoes? $10 you get to see your-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll incorporate some feedbacks. Hell yeah. I can't imagine what those feet must look like. Oddly hairy toes, I might mention it. That's what I picture. Well, that's fun, Pat, starting a pod. Ragey Tarts. Yes, yes, thank you. Yes, absolutely. I get it now. What else, Pat? Anything else crazy going on in life? I've got some Hollywood folks doing some shows for me. So I'll fucking finally be leaving Austin doing some shows in the near future for-- So you're going to-- Fine folks out there. I'm going to go visit Hollywood. Tour this great country of ours. Absolutely, now's the time to do it. You are on fire. You are on top of it all. I mean, if I was, no matter where I was, I would make a long drive to see you. He's actually coming to San Diego with me next week. Fuck yeah, San Diego Thread Band, that was awesome. Nice. Yep. I'm taking you with me to a giant venue in Toronto this week. Yeah, yeah. This won't come out, so no spoilers. I'm going to be with Tony too in Toronto. Yeah. It's going to be great. It's going to be a lot of folks. A lot of folks. Speaking of Toronto, do you have a girlfriend? Based on my set, I clearly-- Yeah, and I get around, you know? Oh, OK. I didn't know if you had one that you came home to after the night and-- Yeah, yeah. You do? The one with the butt plug. I thought that that was just a date. I didn't know that this is a permanent situation. OK, well, I'll just learn that. What a wild relationship. Yeah, yeah. Just going to Chili, she's already got one plugged in. I like that. That's a different, triple-dipper. Pat O'Neill, you're just an absolute icon, dude. I fucking love you. You are what it's all about. Thanks so much. Thanks. He's the man. Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. You guys have fucking fun tonight or what? One more time for Derek Troop-Nistagic on Netflix. An unbelievable debut appearance here on Killtony as a guest. One more time for the great friend, Cisco Ramos. The legend of my boy, my brother. We started together. We waited in lines in L.A. and out in the sun, outside of the laugh-backed dream, outside of the comedy store, hoping to get up so that we could do three minutes of fucking material and six-- Go in it. At 6 p.m. on a Sunday. And we are doing it. Still learning is brand new special is out on everything. Amazon Apple and YouTube TV. Thanks again to Ted Schaper at Sweetwater Audio. Again, we are at Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th, for the third year in a row, unprecedented. [BLANK_AUDIO] to do Madison Square Garden is doing it for its fourth and fifth times. I did stand up there one of the nights last year and I said, fuck that. Let's do Kill Tony again two times in a row. You got the whole crew there. Why not? Vegas, November 13th and 14th just announced. So that's fun. Come visit us there. And Fantastic Stuff. The drawing from Ryan J. It's great. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, Pat O'Neil is the Joker. Look at that. Fucking awesome. God, he would make a great Joker. I'd never picture that before. That's fucking awesome. Great focus. Yeah. Thank you to the audience. Thank you to everybody. How about one more time for the best standband of land? Red Band. Secret Show. Every Thursday sunsetSriPATX.com. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [BLANK_AUDIO]