#772 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHingeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, Hats, Mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. [Music] Dallas, Texas, who's ready for the best fucking day of the line? [Applause] [Music] Texas Zone, Killtony Band Ladies and Gentlemen, Holy Shit! Fernando Castillo Rao, Vallejo, Carlos, Sosa, Michael Gonzales, Nachos Belgronde. [Applause] How about Matt Mjoling? That fucking dire straits. Gotta love it. The great John D's on the keys. [Applause] And right there, next to him, that is indeed the one and only. Live in the flesh, de-madness, ladies and gentlemen. [Applause] Oh, my God. The fun we are gonna have tonight. For those of you watching online, we made a nice little fucking few hour long road trips. Stopped off at Bucky's, obviously, on the way. We are here in our home state living the fucking American dream in beautiful Dallas, Texas tonight. [Applause] Powerful Dallas. We're going to have a lot of fun before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We're all getting better about talking openly about mental health, but finding support can still feel overwhelming. Between schedules, costs, and trying to find the right therapist, it's easy to keep putting it off. That's why I like talk space. Talk space is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access online anytime, anywhere. And you can switch providers at no extra cost to make sure you find one that really fits your needs. Talk space is in network with most major insurance plans, and many insured members pay a co-play of zero dollars. Better yet, part of talk space's mission is to provide quality care, whether or not you are insured. Meaning, it's actually affordable and out of pocket, too. I've seen how helpful it can be to talk things out with someone who can give you perspective and support. Sometimes having that space to process can make a huge difference. So as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with talk space. When you go to talkspace.com/tony, and enter promo code space80. That's S-P-A-C-E-8-0 to match with the licensed therapist today. Go to talkspace.com/tony and enter promo code space 80. Dallas, Texas, are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Unbelievable. Let's fucking go, people. Right into it. Every single show I book personally myself. This one, I said, "Let's bring the fucking boys." Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best guests in Killtony history, two of truly the funniest men on planet Earth today. These are your guests. Jogorosa and Tim Butterley. Yes. Oh, yeah. Standing ovation from Dallas, Motherfuckin, Texas. Tim Butterley, Jogorosa. We're here. This is what it's like in the club, kids. Just a mother ship plus 8,000 people. Feels like home. Feels like home. I just did Butterley's podcast. Jogorosa's a new show on all things comedy. Everybody's bumping. What do you guys feel? What do you feel about this crowd? Are you here in there? This is a good fucking crowd. Holy shit. We're gonna have some fun tonight. I can't wait. Tim, what's up, Dallas? (cheering and applause) Whoa. We're gonna have a hoot nanny tonight. As you guys know, as you guys know, two of the best guests in the show's history. This bucket is filled with local Dallas comedians. We'll see how that goes. They have a lot of great clubs here. I do want to give a shout out the great Randy Butler, the owner of all the hyenas comedy clubs is here tonight. That guy was headlining me in Dallas 15 years ago. Before I probably even had an hour of material. And we never forget it. And we did, I think, fucking 12 or 18 kiltonis there before. Way before we could ever dream of being in a venue like this. So shout out to Randy here in Dallas. He runs all the hyenas. Make sure you support your local comedians. If I pull one of these guys out, they get 60 seconds. And a rep to you another time is up in your other son of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry, wait, what's the gay part of Dallas? Oakland. All of it. Oakland. Oakland. Oakland. Oakland. Like a lock. Oakland. That makes sense. I could see how that would be. Wood. I thought they were saying okra. It could have been anything. Okra is big here in Dallas. Or else they bring out the crazy oklong gay bear. There it is, just for you. That interrupts them. I conduct an interview. The whole thing simplifies. Really, there's never been anything done like it in the history of fucking show business. Where a crazy person in a parking lot can sign up and be on one of the biggest shows in the world. Anything can happen. You guys know how it rocks. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show. Now, these things are tricky, right? Because when you start a show like this out here in front of fucking 8,000 people in Dallas, Texas. You really want to get it started with a bang. So we're going to do that with one of our greatest regulars. You've been watching him now. How many of you would watch every single week? You've been watching him do about two minutes or more every single week for the last few months. He's a fucking sensation. He was once considered the dark storm of Atlanta. Here to start tonight's show is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. To show you how stand-ups done. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dietrich Flynn, everybody. Oh, man. Guys, I feel so happy and free. I recently, through deep meditation, I ate an edible and I was sitting alone in an airport. I realized something that set me free and I want to bring this to Dallas. And hopefully, y'all can understand what I'm coming from. I recently decided that I'm done pretending like I've ever forgiven anybody for anything. I'm done with that, right? I'm sick. I lied. I never forgave you. I still hate you as much as I did before. It's still on site. But now I get that energy back and I want to bring up one of my recent new beats. My nephew. I took my nephew to go play laser tag for his birthday. I bought him and all his friends laser tag and it was like a 20 on 20. And it was like these other people out there. And I mind you, I want to say this nigga is on my team. It's the right before we go out and we run out, he's going to get out. Uncle Dietrich, you can hide, but you can't run. That's messy and that's trashy and that's unbecoming. Don't bring my knees. Don't tell me I'm 35. I don't say disrespectful shit in front of company. I didn't bring up the fact that your mama was orange in middle school. I didn't say that. Oh, you know, your mama's nickname jug. She was real fuckin' popular in middle of her house. My school, everybody knows orange jugs, I probably had some out here. How dare it is, but I don't want to talk too much. I don't want to do too many mama jokes, 'cause I know as a person, I can't handle mama jokes. That's how I learn how to fight, 'cause you not finna, as a Southern widow, ever talk about my mama. And I kept getting in the fights and my mama sat me down and she said, "Dedrick, why do you keep fighting?" I said, "Mama, they keep making fun of you." And she said, "What are they saying, baby?" I said, "They keep calling you fat." And she said, "Baby, I am fat." And I was like, "Don't ever talk about my mama." Ooh! You lucky you, my mama. I gotta, I don't know if I should let it slide. It's a slippery slope. Thank y'all so much. That's my time. I'm dead in the world. Dead, dead, dead, dead. Slam. Fuck yeah. Don't worry about it. Is your mama a little thick? It's not look. Don't you ever talk about it? I love it. I love it. I didn't get the orange. Why would the mom be orange? Because they had girls in the sub-use had them spray tanks on and around. And it would turn they skin orange. And that's how you knew they was moving too fast when they was growing up. And black women would do that? No, I grew up with everybody. Oh, okay. Yeah, but you got this ain't my direct-- In the south, whoever you grew up with, there's like, if that's your mama, like that, we siblings. So I got like, why mama's Filipino, mama's time? But they're all like redneck, mama. You got to collect as many moms. I got it. See, that's why I was confused in the joke. I assume that your nephew was your nephew and that it was black. And that when it said you can hide, but you can't run, that you wanted to say your mama was so. But I pictured a black woman in a spray tan. I'm like, that never happens. No, but it would be hilarious. My black nephews would never say nothing like that. Because they don't know-- because he found out-- because I gunbed at that nigga with the gun, the laser tag gun. And then I went later that night and I ate all his toppings off his pizza. I'm going to get my get back. I think if you're going to have a white nephew and a joke, you should mention that it's white. It's not. It might be-- wait, it's still not white? I'm still confused. He's white. The baby was white in that joke. Yeah, the white-- there was a white baby in there, but I didn't want to take-- because you say white baby, people go somewhere else. Well, yeah, white, when you have a white nephew. I got white nephew-- I got all kind of-- I shop good for best friends, so like me. Like they look good, so they meet good people. They make cute baby. I don't got no ugly nieces in nephews. Except for that one nigga that talked about my niece, I think that he going to get arrested soon, I hope. Now, the one N word you're talking about is he black? Or is he also white? Well, see, I call all of my nieces and nephews niggas because they start wearing niggas. Makes it more confusing. No, they know who I'm talking to. You ain't being young in a long time, Joe DeRose. You ain't getting-- hey, hey, hey. Yeah, yeah. That niggas, nobody needs nor nephews. Hold on. I was just-- I was just going to comment you. I don't care. I was just going to comment you. But no, let's leave. I want to comment you on being the blackest person ever to wear a Lord of the Rings shirt. Oh, my goodness. Well, it's gone door when the last night while. More like Lord of the Wings. Come on. The chicken wings. Yeah. The back says Legolas. I thought it said Leglis for diabetes. Stole that ring. Yeah. You got that from your AA meetings, Joe. It's like a young dolphin, Gandalf, had a baby. I like that. That's a really good one. I can't get over this nigga and the Bucky's name. Don't play no sound effects, white dad. What the fuck do you-- You do have white people in your family. That's not blackface. You can't do that Bucky's uniform. I know you're trying to secretly say niggas of beaver. And that's-- Beaver niggas. That's what he keep calling me. You got me young beaver nugget. What is make-- what did make you wear a Lord of the Rings? Is that a jerk? I love you. Well, although I believe did you ask them when they're like, what color do you want? You're like-- Right here, look. Chocolate. I'll take arm color. Can I-- can you make it? You look like someone painted a Lord of the Rings church. You see on me? I'm only painted on. I just love you. If you don't like Lord of the Rings, I don't know how you don't like that. It got everybody in there. They got everybody. I love Lord of the Rings. And Legolas, I like him. I like-- you know, because with that slingshot niggas, I'm just like-- I'm just like Legolas just hitting bell rocks in the face, gangster shit, you know, type shit. In butterly. Rohinge, Mongat. Is there a Lord of the Rings character that black people fuck with, especially? Yeah, Pants the Baggins. How about that one? There you go. It's your-- it's your Doritos chick of the night. Pants the Baggins. He's good. I don't care what anybody says. Anybody ever tells you Tony's not funny. Show him that clip right there. Is there a black character? You really did something for that one. Is there a black character that the people fuck with? Lord of the Rings. Oh, he's getting defensive. What do you-- Is that supposed to be me? I was up in the-- I was trying to ruins. Yeah, but that's how you sounded when you said that to me as my friend in front of these eight thousand straights. Oh, that's how you sounded when you talked to me like a white boy? Like, did you-- No, you like that? That sounded like soft, ugly lady. Do you like that? Do you like that? Do they have a black Harry Potter, too? Yeah, they do. Harry Potter. They make it black. They make it Professor Snape, black in the new one. And I kept on doing it for it. It went bad, got it. Everyone drops out of the school. They hold their one sideways. They do drive-by's on fucking broomstick. All right. Dead Drick, you got the show started. We got to get to this bucket. It has begun, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Kill Tony Dallas. That's Dead Drick Flynn. And now to the bucket we go. This is where everything gets very interesting. I can almost guarantee you, none of these people have performed in front of a crowd this size before the pressure gets to them anything can happen. Or maybe they shine. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pool that I goes by the name of Hefe. One word name. Hefe, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Thank you. I went to Vegas to see my grandpa who I hadn't seen in 10 years. And to describe him, he's been married six times. And five of them were named Barbara. So we called this six-wife Barbara, too. I'm rolling a blunt. And my grandpa actually asked to hit it. And I was like, Grandpa, I thought you only hit Barbara's. So he takes the hit. And he's quiet for like 25 minutes. And then he turns and tells me three things. He says, Jeff. I mean, Hefe. I love pussy. I love to taste it, smell it, wear it, black, white, terror station. I love it all. Second thing he told me was-- and I don't know why he brought this up-- I didn't hate Obama because he was black. I hated him because he was Muslim. I was like, OK, what else? And he goes, I'm so proud of you. The man who raised you was a great father figure. All right, Hefe. Over the time, minute 18 seconds from Hefe. Hi, Hefe. Hey, hey, hey. OK, cool. Hey. How long have you been doing stand-ups? Dude, longer than that bullshit said. Can I finish that real quick for you? You think it's going to help? I promise. OK, finish it. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't recommend it, but go ahead and finish it. All right. So he says, the guy who raised you was great. When did your parents tell you you were adopted? And I grabbed that joint from him. And I hit it, and I was like, just fucking now. OK, there you go. All right, back to it. Oh, no, see? You wouldn't have gotten that if you would have trusted me. They never learned. I've kind of been on the show. You know what, you're right. I apologize. Shoot me out back. It's OK. All right, Hefe. You don't need to go straight to Suicide, even though, clearly, your barber decided to. Let's check in with Joe DeRosa. His name is Hefe? Yeah. I thought you said it was Cafe. It could be. I was like, he was like the whole damn restaurant. [LAUGHTER] What are you, Dedderick's nephew? Oh, no. I want a Dedderick's nephew. I did have a Lord of the Rings shirt, and I think some guy took it, too, so. Oh, good kid. All right, well, that's another one of those wacky Hefe jokes, everybody. Hefe, how long have you been a bouncer in a hookah bar? -What do you do for work, Cafe? -Uh, I'm an artist first. -Oh, what kind of artist? -Anything, painting, graphic designer. I don't run a printing business. It's pretty fun. -Do you make money doing art? -Surprisingly, yes. -How much money do you make doing art? -Not enough to dress properly, so. -Okay, but how do you make a living, Cafe? -I own a printing business. It does good. -Okay. -Not enough to live here in Austin, though. -You're not in Austin, right? -Oh, boy. Oh, God, no. -Oh, there it is. -Fa, do you live in Dallas? -No, I live in the Tidia, Texas, Wichita Falls. -Wichita Falls. -Wow, more poos. -Oh, my goodness. -Jesus Christ. -Fa, take it from me. These motherfuckers will boo you. -If they knew my parents, they would understand, too. It's fine. -Okay, Cafe, give them a redeeming quality about you that'll make them like you. Tell Dallas why they might like you. -They shouldn't. It's cool. -All right, there he goes, Cafe, everybody. Great. Great stuff, Cafe. -Great stuff. -It was all good. -I tried my best with you, believe it or not. -I really am an artist, dude. -I believe you, pal. -I believe you. -He looks like a conformist. -How long have you done stand-up? -I'd say three years. -You'd say three years? -Yeah. Like, seriously, three. -Okay. Again, is there anything about your life? Any fun facts about you? Do you have any special skills? -I mean, I'm an ex-Florida man. I mean, that probably, yes. -See, you lived in Florida? -I did. -But what does that mean? You were just born in Florida. You didn't do anything. -I traveled around a lot. I was a military kid. And I got stuck in Florida because I made bad choices. -You were a military kid, but you weren't in the military. -I was at one point. -This sounds like stolen valor. -I'm pretty sure it's our first ever live stolen valor. -Well, I was in the military. I wouldn't say I was in the military, but I was in the military. -What'd you do, Hefe, in the military? -Finance. -Oh, perfect. -Great. We all love how our military budgets have been going. -I wasn't responsible. I know. -I know, Hefe. Trust me. I know. -I'm pretty sure that isn't the haircut they make you get when you're in charge of finance of the United States military. -Joderosa. -No, I was just going to say this is how I picture a financial expert dressed. Glitter sandals and cargo shorts. -Dorthy 3000, yes. -I like that you sunk all the wardrobe money into the shoes. -Hefe, open up that pocket. I'm going to try to make this in that little. It's a very long shop, but that'll count it, count it. -There he goes. Hefe, ladies and gentlemen, flipping off the crowd and then telling them that they love him, that he loves them. -Nothing better than the flip-off I love you. -Oh, my God. -The crowd goes wild. It is indeed the lovely, hidey and val, everybody. [sounds of crowd] -You know when your business communications feel like a burner phone and a prayer, miss calls, unred text, follow-ups, eventually just hit that wall. We are like, "All right, I'm done. Let's fucking quote." That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo's spelled Q-U-O, the business communication system. -No, we're talking about Quo. -That's right. Get out of here. You've got a Quo. Quo is built for how modern teams work. It isn't just a phone system. It's a smart one. Quo's AI can automatically log calls, generate summaries and flag next steps, so that nothing falls through the cracks. It can qualify leads and respond after hours, too, keeping business on while you're off. Hey, buddy, you got a Quo. -Quo works wherever you are, right from your phone or computer. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. So everyone sees the full thread, replies are faster, and customers actually feel taken care of like that guy. -Over 90,000 businesses from solo operators like that guy to growing teams already rely on Quo. And as the number one rated business phone system on G2, it's clear why money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months. When you go to Quo.com/kilttony, that's q-u-o.com/kilttony. All right, you guys get it. We're onto our second bucket poll. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Lotton, Parnell. Lotton, Parnell, everybody. -Hey, it's good. So I'm broke. I live with a roommate. And thanks. I came home the other day. And it sounded like my roommate and his girlfriend having sex. I was like, "Nice. I can jerk off to this." Yeah. Turns out they weren't having sex. She was just crying. I was like, "All right, I can jerk off to this." Yeah, I'm a sick fuck, guys. Sick fuck. It's sweet to be here though. I put it on Facebook today. I was coming up and doing some stand-up. And my childhood babysitter, they commented they were like, "Well, and you do stand-up. That's so cool. When I was a kid, I want to do stand-up." I was like, "This shit, when I was a kid, I want to fuck my babysitter." He's not my friend on Facebook anymore, guys. So I don't lay on that coffin. Anybody know what I'm talking about? Anybody ever get so depressed tonight and said, "Brush your teeth before you get a bed." You just reach into the fridge and grab a slice of ham. Okay, that's good enough. All right, I'll take it. Yeah, that's all wrong, man, guys. Fuck yeah. Lawton Parnell with his Killtony debut. Lawton, how you doing? How long you been on stand-up? You're fucking hilarious. Hey, thanks, Danny. Oh, like, 10 years or so? Fuck yeah. All of it here in Dallas? No, not at all. I'm from West Virginia. Okay. What made you come here for that? For this? Just for this. I flew in yesterday and came here and find out tomorrow. Wow, you came in, signed up with everybody. You could have just as easily knocked out and pulled. Nothing could have happened. I could stay on Thursday and Red Bay wants me on the secret show. Oh, shit. I would love to have you on the secret show. Look at that. Unbelievable. Wow. Lawton, stick around for a second. I got to know more about you, man. It's so fun, thanks. You're born and raised in West Virginia. I wasn't born there, but yeah, pretty much raised. What do you do for work? I am a research commercial real estate appraiser. Okay. Yeah, fun stuff, fun stuff. Hell yeah. And you got a flight here, was it Southwest? It was American, actually. How was TSA? Yeah, go America, hell yeah. Were the airports normal? Yeah, TSA had a Pittsburgh was fine. They did have some ice people, but they were just chill. Perfect. Hell yeah. To you. To you, their favorite customer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, let's see with me, like, no physics. Try to hand you a job application. I thought you said hand job at first. I got really excited. That would be cool if they did that to pure American white people. It's like they did the reverse for true citizens. They're like, get over here. You fucking. You fucking swapping Eagle you. Who's a good American boy? I had to quit my appraiser job for that, for sure. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely, lot. And tell us more. What's the most West Virginia thing about you? You have like a dip in tobacco in your cheek that we don't know about right now? I just smoked six. I don't do tobacco. Nice. I smoked six. I had a job in college. I was a. And saw people's security system. They sent me to random people's houses and saw their security system. And one time I got propositioned by this really big fat lady. And a man named Robert E. Lee. That was his real name. Yeah. It was really cool. He said he was legally declared dead in the state of Maryland. So I was like, this guy is my man, you know? And I started installing their security system. And I noticed in their bathroom, I had a piss. And they had like a TV just running porn. Like not. It was just a porn TV. And yeah. Yeah. You remember like those. I didn't ask them. They were like, you saw our porn, right? I was like, yeah. And I asked they were like, remember those like synonyms? When like they would just give you like a free like a street. They said they changed the channel. Then they'd lose their porn subscription. So I. It was their bathroom porn TV. Yeah. I got one out too. Wow. I love that. Yeah. Thanks. This is crazy. This is awesome. Thanks guys. Yeah. Of course. Show to Rosa. Dude. What's up, Joe? It's Lachlan? Lachlan. I want to compliment you, man, because you're hilarious. Number one. Oh, yeah, appreciate it. Number two, I really mean this, man. A lot of comics come on stage, dressed like Stonery, like the way you're dressed, right? You know what I mean? And honestly, a lot of times, because they just don't give a fuck. All right. You're dressed. It matches your persona. It matches your humor. The whole character's there. I'm not saying you're playing a character, but you don't have to say. Sure, sure, sure. You're representing yourself visually and comedically. And the whole package is there. Man. I'll tell you. You're doing it, man. You do have a good look. It is like if one of the South Park kids smoked a lot of cigarettes. Yes. I do smoke cigarettes. I'm not ballin' Joe's cigarettes right now, but they're making spirits. You're killin' it, buddy. I'll take one. Lachlan, Parnell. That's just about to get rid of him. Number two. You're going to have the poor kids smoke in a cigarette. Maybe it's too much patches here. you're going to cause a fire hazard throw those back. There you go. There you go. All right, you're funny, but not that fucking funny. Lots in Parnell, you did the job. Everything was amazing, absolutely incredible. Perfect bucket pool representing West Virginia here in Dallas. An incredible showing. I have a comedian that's from Dallas, ladies and gentlemen, that is your next comedian. We dragged her up here with us from Austin, Texas, where she is considered one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I've had her open up for me in Dallas a few times over the last five years. Someone that isn't was a door guy at the mothership and now is the full-time opener in feature act for Ari Maddie. Ladies and gentlemen, she is Dallas's own Liz Black, ladies and gentlemen. What is up, Dallas, Texas? Guys, when I was younger, my mom sent me to Fat Camp. Really sucks because I've always been like this size. I've always looked like this. So I'm not like Fat Camp Fat, you know? I'm like, you know, these kids at Fat Camp, they're like, fucking, they're like about to lose a foot fat. And me, I'm like, I'm like, fuck, black guy's fat. I'm like a cool fat. I'm like a healthy fat. I'm a good fat. I'm like an avocado. So, you know, send me to Fat Camp. It was kind of fucked up that she did that. It's like, it's like, what the hell was that about? But then at the same time, sending a girl like, me to Fat Camp, like, I'm kind of the hot bitch at Fat Camp, you know? Like, I was running that shit. I had all these chubby dudes on their fucking knees. They're like, oh, sugar free, Oreo for you, my petite princess. Fuck, you look a mountain. There is this evening. I think I gained weight at Fat Camp. Honestly, I was prison rich. I had everything they wanted. In prison, the Twinkz rule. I was the Twinkie. Okay, that's my minute. Fuck yeah, I was flat. Polarious. Hell yeah, Tony. The whole crowd was with you when you said that you are fuck a black guy fat. That's just who I am at the end of the day. It is true. I'm really excited to be here. I'm excited to be back home. Good feeling. You are the first comedian of the night that is from Dallas, Texas. Tell these people, what part of Dallas are you from? I'm from East Dallas, Lake Whore. Oh shit. I went to high school in Oak Cliff, bitch. I know you guys can't see the crowd, but a lot of poor fat people are going wild, and the rich people are laughing. The rich people are laughing, so whatever part of the neighborhood that is, it's not so good. Well, I'm from both parts, the poor side in the, I said two sides, so. I grew up in the rich side and then I fucked guys from the poor side, so that's kind of. Heck yeah. But Tony, I gotta be real. I'm here for one reason. I'm here for some real shit. I'm about to take somebody's job in this show. Oh shit. I'm here to take some regular ship in this bitch. Oh shit. I'm here to take that fat, busted, bitch, hidey's job. Oh shit. Get that fat, bust. Oh my god. Oh my god. I could do I get her out of here. It's like, let that heavy weight, Valerie. It's a catvert. It's a cat versus a pig. But seriously, I could do that bitch's job better than her any day. Oh my god. Whoa. I will. Whoa. What the fuck is this? Oh my god. She's not shaking shit. There's a whole ass there. She hasn't asked. You're just made of. Wait a second. What's happening here? Oh shit. Oh god. Oh wow. What's happening? Oh shit. What's happening? Oh my god. Wow. Our black viewership just skyrocketed. Oh my god. You can hidey, but you can't run. Wow. Fuck this shit. I'm out. Wow. Amazing. Please slot, obviously a future roller derby goddess. And how about one more time for hidey? Then it's the first time I've ever had a hard on fighting against itself. It is incredible. That is the opposite of whatever Viagra does. I'll tell you that. Oh my god. Does that do anything for you? Demand is like, I'm hard and I don't know why. Spell me. What the hell's that smell? I don't know what I like it. I didn't know there was a sea world in Dallas. You guys having fun out there? That's it with a bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Marco Garcia, everyone. Marco Garcia right out of the bucket. How are we doing, Kiltoni? You're good? Oh yeah. I'm bad with money. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. It's fucking on my Instagram ads. Like I'll be scrolling. It's like some girl dancing. Nice tits. Are you assuming 11,000 dollars of credit card debt? How do they know? They've been talking to the people I chase. I'm fucked. But this debt's not following me to Mexico. So I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be all right. I went to the therapist office the other day. Couldn't pay. There's this man in Black Me Poo. She said your parents don't love you and she kicked me out of her office. But that is the way I came in. So that's fair. That's fair. I went to the bar. Couldn't pay. They took me to the back. They water-borted me with pedialite. It was crazy. The links they'll go to to make sure you leave sober. Fuck it. What's up my friend? Not you there. All right. That's all your time, Marco Garcia. Welcome, Marco. How long have you been doing stand up? I just hit two years. Three years? Two years. Two years. Yeah. I love it. I'm currently unemployed. But when I work, I'm a lifeguard. You're a lifeguard? What? Oh, my God. I'm naturally buoyant. I'm a better lifeguard than these motherfuckers with abs. No way, dude. You have the blood on your hands. Oh, my God. You're the first lifeguard that makes the kids drown even more. Hey, kid, hold me. Throw me that raft. Come in. Wow. You are not built like a lifeguard. I've heard that before. Wow. Holy shit. And how long have you-- what do you call-- what do your people call that a man torta? Attached. Yeah, I know. I hate it because people, like, on the way here, some guy stopped me and he's like, wow, you look like Maui. And I was like, like, the Disney character. He was like, no, everybody on the island. That's that fuck me up because that's the fattest island, man. That's fucked up. I didn't appreciate that. He would be a great guy to watch running slow motion on the beach. I'd be a heavy commercial, man. No, a lot to take in. Yeah, I don't know. How long have you been lifeguarding for? This was my second year lifeguarding. Second year lifeguarding. Yeah, yeah. Save anyone. Yeah, yeah. Actually, I saved only black people. Whoa. How many black people did you save? And can you do less of a job next time? I only saved two. I work in the hood, so. Yeah, that's all I save, man. What do you mean you work in the hood like a black neighborhood? Yeah, like, so you're doing the hardest lifeguarding in the world. What fire hydrants do you live from? They needed a lifeguard XL, man. They got me. They needed a lifeguard plus and they called me. Wow, this is incredible. Now we're bringing them full grown adults. Say it again. We're the blacks that you were saving from the waters. Full grown adults are where they children. The black people, I saved. One of them was a black woman, full grown adult, but the other one was a child. Okay, now how close was the fully grown woman to dying do you think she was fucking really close? Did you have to do mouth-to-mouth or anything? Oh, I didn't obviously I don't go down for that, but uh, wait, what exactly is that mean? Is it like when a woman gets arrested and you have a female cop pat her down? Do you have like a black person that's just there to give Mouth to mouth perhaps not somebody just got there first and I was like, oh, they got her. Okay. Yeah, but not the lady she She came up to me probably wait a second. We'll hold that thought wait. You say someone else got there first Are you talking about the person that actually saved her? No, I'm talking to mouth mouth to mouth fuck So how did this go down you're at a pool? I'm in a pool and there's two two sides to the pool and then at one point I'm in the shallow end Of course, no, no fuck you I get over to the deep end too, but I was in the shallow end Uh-huh, and she came up to me and she was like hey if I go down the slide you'll save me, right? And I'm like I'm on the shallow end the slides on the deep end why would I that is my job But if you can't swim don't go and then she went and ask the other lifeguard the exact same thing and So how but you so you didn't save her no no so okay, so then she went every time you try to explain more how you saved her It seems more and more like she's on the other end of a pool with a she went with the actual lifeguard that saves people's life She somehow got up the stairs and she went down the slide and when she started drowning The other lifeguard went in and he whistled and I went in and we both got her out and then he gave her mouth to mouth Would you say it was exactly 50/50 you and the other lifeguard? I'd say three-four it's three-fifths, maybe Marco give it give us another fun fact of your life Pretty good. Yeah, you said that one up man. That was not me What else would we find interesting about your life Marco? Are you from Dallas? Yeah, I'm born and raised right here in Dallas, Oak lift Yes, sir, it's my home. Oak lift looks like a poor car a couple a couple of ones the ones in the really high Raptors are from Dallas. Okay I love it Marco anything else crazy. We should know about you before getting out of here Um, I did comedy a strip club once. Uh-huh, and there wasn't any strippers. I was very disappointed. That's because you were there That won't want to see me with my clothes love. Let's let's not lie about that man. All right, Marco I think you talk a little fast. Maybe it's just how big this venue is you got to slow it down a little bit so that people understand Yeah, I didn't know what you were saying during the Instagram Adry thing. There's a medium-sized joke book for a very large Marco Garcia everybody Let's keep it moving right along here because I pulled what appears to be another Latino from Dallas's name out of the bucket Make some noise for your next comedian everybody. It is Albert Marano everyone here. We go 60 seconds for Albert Marano Hey, how the fuck are you doing tonight y'all you having a good night so far? So I grew up with the very religious family like anytime that I would see a shooting star My family would always tell me that it's someone being cast out of heaven Yeah, you could have just lied. You know, I don't know what a child is supposed to do with that information like you know Anytime the normal person would see a shooting star that would just be like that was beautiful make a wish Anytime that I would see a shooting star. I would just be like damn another priest Yeah, I I didn't grow up like I'm very bad at being a Mexican. I don't speak a lot of Spanish and I get called a white boy a lot about my family for that I don't think that's the widest thing about me though. I think the widest thing about me is that I go to therapy Yeah, I know if you know it's about mexions, but they don't go to therapy. They go to church drunk Like if my grandma find out that I was going to therapy should probably be like oh my god me who I didn't know you're gay I Tell you Albert Marina Great stuff Albert. How long have you been on standup two and a half years nice all of it here in Dallas? Mostly full-wards I come from a small town or from Minervaels. It's like That's everything. Small is it if the whole crowd goes wild That town has only ever got a pop for crackheads, so I don't really know That's that's our target audience. It's a very it's a very small town. It's like maybe 40 minutes west of full-worth So my drive has always been like 40 minutes to an hour So I've just always gone to full-worth. Okay. Yeah, like the hyena's there. Yeah. I started at hyenas. Yeah, awesome Yeah, that's fucking fantastic. What do you do for work Albert? I just got fired about a month ago You got fired. Yeah, would you get fired from hell? Yeah. I got fired from Amazon for speeding violations In the truck in the actual Amazon electric bands. Yeah Wow, now I was I was new. Were you getting pulled over by the police? No, it's just they have they have a Diagnostics inside of their van so they know when you're speeding So if you go if you go over to speed them it for like three seconds. That's when you get flagged Wow, yeah, that's incredible. So I had been working at another job for 14 years and I had moved I had moved to full-worth So I was trying to find another job in Amazon. It was a job I landed on so it was just a new job So what are you gonna do now? I got another job at Amazon. Oh, yeah So the one that I started at it was further away the one I'm at now was 10 minutes away So my first day is Tuesday actually Wow Is it fake ID from fake IDs? How are you getting the same job from Amazon? Do you mean a green card? Albert how legal is your family? I'm so most of my families from interwells my my grandma they're all from Mexico of course, but Most of my families from interwells are do you live with them? No, not anymore. You have your own place. Yeah I live with one of my best friends. Yeah, and did they do comedy as well? No He's been around the open mics. He's he's friends with all my buddies, but he doesn't do comedy. What does he do? He works for like a small company and whether for they do You guys have a two bedroom It's a three bedroom three bedroom. Yeah, what goes on in that other bedroom? I can't say Personally here It's an empty room. Okay. Yeah, and how many bathrooms two all right. Yeah. Yeah look at it We got our own size of the house, you know, you don't hear me beating off for nothing right Yeah, absolutely incredible Joe DeRosa Dude, I'm I was very impressed you said you're two and a half years. Yeah, I was very impressed. You're funny man You're really I really appreciated that even when the meow happened You didn't panic you took your time you finished the joke man like you you got the rhythm You know what you're doing man. Thank you good shit, dude really good shit And when this comes out, you're going to get fired from that other Really just aired all your dirty laundry. I'm going to enjoy those two weeks What's another fun fact about Albert Marino that the world would find interesting. I'm so my joke about my church is real That's uh, it's not a very commenting. Um, I was born and raised in like a Spanish Doomsday Church Okay, yeah Spanish Doomsday so what what what what could one expect to see at a Spanish Doomsday Church? Well, it was a very small congregation to this day. It's like just two families and like my family still win it Oh, this sucks. It's a cold. They're like laughing at my family right now My like my mom and dad are so winners, so it was very awkward for me I didn't I didn't leave my church until I was 23. Oh wow. Yeah Wow, and it was very hard because uh growing up I felt like I was the outcast in my family because all my cousins were really into the church And I was and I didn't leave till I was 23 and I took a lot of pride in staying in my church for so long and yeah It's reach tim bodily what what was something that tipped you off that it was like maybe time to go I I listened to a podcast. I shouldn't have heard, but I don't think my church is ever prepared for people to have podcasts, so Right, you know, they weren't ready for the internet basically Neither was Bill Cosby. This is true. Yeah He never could have guessed that everybody would be interconnected and possibly talk about something as insane as what he did. Yeah Wow, can you just give us one tidbit of what like made it a doomsday church like what would a sermon be about like Okay, so like my church didn't have like that certain Section for kids. There was never anything for kids. It was all about the end of the world pretty much and It was about what the end of the world. Yes, the end of the world. Okay, so how do the Spanish think that the end of the world happens? What happens at the end of all? Okay, so everything does every cold every food article and every car turn into the virgin Mary or something like I think it was probably they were just like stay away from Minneapolis Maybe they were right. Well, you know, I spent my whole life being warned about the end of the world like I wish somebody warned me about my uncle, you know Well, how did they say the end was coming? I think at the time, I left my church when I was 23, so that was about 10 years ago, 2017, 2018, so the guy who was the armane preacher, he did a live, so we watched him from interwells, he's in Puerto Rico, everyone that listens to my church listens to alive. Do you see where I'm going with this? The leader of the Doomsday Church is in Puerto Rico. Well, there you go. Looks like I was right about that one. Albert Moreno, great set, great interview, very compelling, very funny. I love that you got out of the church and you're living your dreams, buddy. There he goes, the very funny, Albert Moreno. Hey, we have another fun guy from Dallas, Texas, who's part of our crew and has been for years. He won a golden ticket, I think six or seven years ago. Here at a hyena's comedy club in Dallas, Texas, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for part of the Killtony production crew and a comedian out of Austin, Texas. This is Colt McNeely from Dallas, Texas, everybody. My God, how are you guys? Is it so good to be here? Oh, yeah. My name is, he said, is Colt. It's actually Colton. Yeah. In my mid-20s, I shortened it up, you know, a little bit easier to say. I think when I'm an old man, I'm just going to go back. Thank you. You know, I like movies, you know, I saw that movie, "Holes with Shyla Buff," and I, uh, thank you. I saw the remaking. It's going to have an all-female cast. What's up with that? It's crazy. It's true. What are they going to call it? Even better holes? I mean. Oh, man, I love the news. The blacks and the gays, they don't get along. It's not my opinion, it's just what they say, you know. I get it though, you know. Imagine having both dads walk out on you. Thank you, guys, so much. Colt McNeely. Dallas, Texas. What part of Dallas are you from? Tell these people. Oh, I'm from Allen, Texas. Let's go. All right. We're churning the butter over there. I am, man. I'm happy to be here, Tony. Yes. My brother's here. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, man, Tony. It's been crazy. Yeah, tell us about it, Colt. My buddies, my buddies dad just had a stroke. I know. He, uh, he was telling me about it. It's really sad, right? Uh-huh. Yeah, he said he had to spend all day at the Stroke Center and I was like, "That sounds like a great time." And what's next to the reverse guerrilla grips? You know, go me in, you know. Oh, you're just on fire right now. I'm happy to be here. What else is going on? Oh, man. You know, I've been looking at all these first ladies. These presidents have, you know. Uh-huh. Yeah. What about them? You know, Melania Trump's our first lady. And I was looking at all the old first ladies and I think Melania might be the first lady. You guys thought about that? That is a good point. Dallas, Texas. I gotta tell you, Tony. I gotta tell you. Oh, what do you gotta tell me now? You know, we live in Austin, Texas. Yes. But my home is Dallas, Texas. Oh, wow. Look at that. Way to get the crowd that you already had on your side, back on your side. Oh, my goodness. What do you have? The doomsday preacher? Jesus Christ. Yes, oh, shit. Incredible. Didn't Heidi bring you out here to clean up the spill earlier? Was that you? You a little mopstick? All right. What else is going on, Colt? Oh, not much, Tony. You know, just been. You ran out of things that you gotta tell me. Oh, I told you everything I had to tell you. Tony, I gotta tell you. Oh, man, Tony, I do have to tell you. We just started selling these Kill Tony fingerboards on the website. No one cares about the fingerboards. Yes, they do. Dallas, Texas. Oh, my goodness. All right, Colt, anything else? Do you have any tricks up your sleep for a fun fact? I don't know if you guys have been watching the show long enough, but Colt is one of the greatest yo-yoers in the world. And he also famously is one of the youngest ever. What is it? Kung Fu, Taekwondo, Black Belt. Oh, man, I'm a fourth degree Black Belt in Taekwondo. But I do gotta tell you, Tony. I've been working with you for like six years now, met at. Hyena's Comedy Club. And I haven't been kicking since I've been working for you. So I can't kick, but goddamn, I can yo-yo. All right, do a little yo-yoing for us, Colt. I don't know if they want to even see it. Give me some yo-yo music, John. I'm screaming. Oh, yeah. Oh, we've hit a new low, ladies and gentlemen. Should I write when you think? I love it. This is the part where you have to explain to your girlfriend the show that you brought her to everyone. No, I swear, it's cool. It's funny. Honey, it's like a tampon. That's amazing. Wow, Colt. Come on, Tony, thank you so much for having me. My guy. There he goes, Colt McNeely, back to put a headset on and continue working. He actually works for the show. Fun fact, he is the guy that takes the piece of paper. Wrangles the person and brings them to the back of the stage. That's Colt from Dallas, Texas. Which, you know what? I want to give a shout out real quick. We have a friend visiting the son of the late great Chuck Norris is here somewhere. Can we make some fucking noise for Texas zone Chuck Norris? He's out here somewhere. Enjoying himself, trying to take his mind off it. Your dad was the fucking man. How long can this place hit for Chuck Norris? Got that right. All right, back to the show we go. And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Ashley and Knox. Everybody, Ashley and Knox. Oh, what's up, Dallas? So, I look like it, I'm sure I do have historically terrible taste in men. Like, my dating history looks a lot like the four play probably should have came with a background check. Don't laugh, I am painfully attracted to men that look like they need a case worker or have one already. So, needless to say, I am a single mom. Yeah, take note gentlemen. My son just turned 14 recently and he's a hit the whole puberty stage. He started to talk to me like, I ruined his credit score. Like, I used to rock this giant man child back and forth to go to sleep. And now I just rock back and forth after reading his Google search history. He started talking to girls too recently. Yeah, hell yeah. So, needless to say, I did have to put the, I had to put the bark notifications on his phone. I'm sorry, you got to do it. Somebody's got to check their phones. I had to do it. I had to do it. You got me. I did not make it through that shit. It's okay though. Ashley, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm just looking around at the, I mean, I'm sitting inside and I kept looking around going, please don't call me holy shit. This is a lot of people. This is awesome. Good for you. Hell yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. All right. Thanks, mom. You're welcome. Do you dream? It's from me, thank you. Do you dress like this around your son's friends? So funny story. The other day I was having lunch with him and a friend and he goes, mom, you're, you're, you're bad. And I said, what do you mean? He said, I mean, you can Google it and I was like, oh fuck. Oh no, like my heart to my stomach. He meant baddie. Like I was hot in his friend. Hey, you're sensitive. You're fuckable. I was like you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. So real weird thing. I didn't get it all of my bad choices went and flashed before my eyes though. That's all I know. Is there anything out? Wouldn't you say that you got scared? What could he possibly have found? Pictures, maybe. Is that what you've done? Don't have an only fans calm down. Maybe after this. Okay. Ashley Ann, let's talk about it. What do you do for? They're brewing no only fans. Okay. Stick with me, Ashley. Don't pay attention to them. I'm used to them. You are definitely stick with me over here. I got you. I own an entertainment company, so I host karaoke and open my comedy all over DFW. Oh, my goodness. What did you do before that? I was in sales, so I did strategic. I sold magazines. I sold magazines. It's all I've ever done. Really? All I've ever done is sales since I was 14. That's it. Yeah, my dad had me out there knocking doors practicing for my own amber alert. It was wild. Okay. Yeah. How many kids do you have? Two. How old are they? One will be 15 and one is about to be nine. Okay. You still with the baby daddy? No. Oh. -Yeah. So, what do you-- -I'm not gonna talk about him, either. Last time I talked about him. -You were on the show before. -I was, yeah. -Shit, you thought I would have remembered a-- -It's a-- -An unfunny set of tits. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know what? -You wore a hoodie last time. -Yeah. -Oh, that'll do it. -I covered him. -Now I remember you. -That was the problem, yeah. -No, no, no, I was just gonna say before we get too far away from your son, where do you think your son got the idea to look up giant-faked-headed women on you? -Oh, you're so dumb. I don't know. -What do you think put that in his head? -He's been Googling weird shit like that since he was seven, okay? -This kid is heavily advanced. You would be, too, if you were drinking heavy whipping cream right from the womb. I mean, look at those-- -I mean, holy shit. I mean, Ashley. -I mean, at least you have those, right? -You know, I paid a lot of money for them, so-- -Really, how much did you pay? -10 grand. -Oh, my goodness. Each-- -Where is it? -It's my favorite thing I ever bought myself. -Are they gummi? -Are they gummi? -Oh, yeah. They're totally gummy. -No, gummy. He's asking if they're gummy or if they're-- -I said gummy. -Okay. -Gummy. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I see you. -Are you talking about the blow jobs or tits? -No, they're tits, so-- -Uh, good. -All right. Ashley, so give us an example. Like, the last date you went on. -The last date of-- I don't really date. I've been in a relationship. -Oh, you're in a relationship. -I was in a relationship. I'm recently unengaged, which is funny, because you actually-- you foreshadowed this, actually. -Oh, wait. -Totally dead. The last time I saw you, you were like, "Your fiance is going to cheat on you and leave you." And I was like, "Wow, you're being kind of a bitch, but it turns out you're actually a witch." -Wow, look at-- -You were dead on ball's accurate. -Incredible. -Yeah, that's okay. -I wonder what made me say that at the time. Or you don't have a guy now. -Wow. -So what do you do for fun? What do you drag in front of this poor 15 and 9-year-old? -I host four shows a week of karaoke and comedy open mics. So I like I'm super busy, and I'm producing a competition statewide for stand-up comedy, too. -Is that go? -Go. -Goed? -I can't quite understand what they're chanting, butterly. -Are they saying dump? -Jump? -They want-- -You guys want her to jump? I mean, Ashley Ann Knox says that she knows how to throw a real karaoke party. -Oh, yeah. I'm more of a singer than a comedian, let's be real. -How many you want to see your jump right now, huh? Jumping jacks. Ten jumping jacks, count them, three, four. Oh, gross, they don't make a face like you're not loving this. Look over there, you fucking home. -All right, my niece can only-- -She's going to find this clip in her son's Google history letter. -There is a strong chance of that, yeah. -Ashley Ann. -My niece can't handle that, though. I'm only 34, but they're menopausal. -You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. -It's better than life. -If you want to make it in your cleavage from here, just stay there, don't move. Oh, my-- I was off on that one. Little sticky hand, sorry. -Oh, you can't win them all. Thank you, Tony. -Little sticky hand. You guys know what that's like. You've been to a Texas Rangers game. Sometimes the balls can't always go where you want them to. Yes, that was an insult. You guys having fun still? We got another bucket pool. Make some noise for Scott Ramos, everybody. Scott Ramos. -What's going on, guys? My name's Scott. I am a terrible person to work with. If you want to get shit done, stay away from me. But if you want to have fun, I got you. Have you ever gotten in trouble? I've worked for some shit, but it's not the worst you've done. So when you get called out for it, you almost feel offended and rat on yourself. My boss is like, "Scott, you be coming in late." I'm like, "Bitch, I've been still in money." I'm just joking. I work for FedEx. Yes, I do still y'all shit. My family thanks you. It was weird. I go to the supermarket and people give me way too much respect. One guy thanked me for my service. And I didn't know how to respond. So I was like, "Yes, I did two tours in Dallas." We did a tour all the time. We lost a lot of good men that year. I like smoking weed. Done. Ooh, look at that. What up, my boy? Hi, Scott Ramos. How are you? What up, Tony Hitchbeth? I'll look again. No, first time, brother. No, I'll fuck you. I'm wearing my fucking hat. Wait, what? Somebody else take off your hat. Wow. Take off your wife's top. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Someone just got themselves a new TikTok clip, everybody. All right, Scott Ramos. Stick with me here. How long have you been on stand-up? I mean, it's been like eight to ten years, but I think like six. I'll be bullshitting. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. Why you be bullshitting? Why you be? May I ask you why you be bullshitting? T-H drugs are fun. Wow. T-H-Y-U-B. Drugs are fun, that's all right. What kind of drugs are we talking about? No, we're good. No? Yeah, we good. All right, so crack. See? Now that I win extreme, now you want to dial it back. Fuck it, I do crack. You do crack? Now I do. Really? No, I don't. Okay, so what do you do? You don't look like you've done cocaine once in your life. You look like you've done cane sugar. You should have saw me in the parking lot, bro. We've been having fun. We be having fun. Yes. We be having fun. Okay, so Scott, what do you do for work? I don't know if I should do that. Oh, boy. You're a hell of an interview so far, Scott. You don't want to tell us what you do, what drugs you do. Uh, I got in trouble. I fell. I'm like doing a. Suspectrum. Okay, perfect. You work for a cable company. My legs all banded, I fell through a hole. So it's like a workers' comp injury. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know what I mean? So you're not supposed to be like walking around in public? No, no. Shit. What the fuck, you talk? Whoa, he's just Christ. It just happened Tuesday. I got 34 stitches. Whoa. What happened? I mean, you fell into a hole? Yeah, it was a child's loading shit on a truck and I fell. Okay. You guys want him to jump? This is a talent thing. This is very exciting. Can you do 10 jumping jacks for us? Yo, how many do you want to see him do 10 jumping jacks right now? Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. My bag, no. That's all I know. Six. There's no fuck of the bag. Siete. Ocho, Nuevo. Hey. Oh, shit. Not happening. Oh, look at that. Full heel turn. Gay. Wow. It's a regional emotion. Where the fuck am I? Wow. Have you ever snitched on anyone? Is that why you think you have 34 stitches right now? You consider yourself somewhat of a toddler? Do you need to close the cage behind me? I ain't talking. Okay, wow. I ain't a snitch. Okay. She's over here telling me to jump. No, I'm not going to fucking jump. These people want you to jump. Scott, I mean, it's, it's, it's, the decision is unanimous. There's a funny thing in Dallas. They want you to fucking jump. You keep showing them a pink. Show me to show it. I mean, that's a pink ace bandit. I'll show it. You look like this better be gnarly. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. He is pulling out his wound. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. Jump. He checked all of you. The funny thing is. That thing looks like it needs ice. And the wound looks bad, too. Nice. That was good. Don't fall in. The stitches are the best part of that leg. Oh, my goodness. All right. Did you blow a dude? What? Did a dude blow you? Did a dude blow me? Yeah. Today? No. No. I got a training blew you. I'm sorry. Hey, calm down. It's yes, by the way. Thank you. She was a wonderful woman. She identified as a woman. And that's what makes the difference. It's enough for me. Meanwhile, he wouldn't even look at the dance bouncing earlier. Oh, I can't believe this is happening. Oh, we're degrading this woman that had no talent on the show. And as her tits out while talking about her kids. The dude that blew your real her tits and that checked it. All right, uh, Scott Ramos. You were leaving here with a medium-sized jokebook. My friend, congratulations. I know people. Guys, thank you. There he goes. Scott Ramos coming back in for daps. Oh, my goodness. This is a security infringement. This is it. we're all going to die. Tony got fucked in. Charlie didn't Dallas. All right. Who's the great Heidi and Val? Getting us all licked up. We're having a good old time. We have another special treat. Yes, they love jumping jacks. Val, you want to do 10? Come do 10. You guys want 10 jumping jacks from Val? Oh, the shoes make it hard. Oh, my goodness, this is a sweet thing. I could pee on it. Come on, get up there. Get right up there. Yeah. This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Who loves the United States of America? Oh, look, it's kind of on the side of women again. That was good. My pants need stitches after watching that. Back to comedy, we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we have yet another member of our unbelievable crew. It's a very small crew believe it or not that this entire machine operates off of. But yet another one of them are born and raised in mother fucking Dallas, Texas. You've seen her on this show multiple times. Here with a brand new minute, make some noise for the great Aya, everybody. This was a sort of Aya. I went on a walk with my little cousin the other day, and he confessed to me that he thought that gay people were a waste of sperm. And that really shocked me. I didn't believe him at first. I thought he meant that gay people waste a lot of sperm. But because they do, gay people waste so much sperm. It's kind of all that they do with it. And I'm not wasteful. I recycle. Recycling feels like you're deciding your trash gets to go to heaven instead of hell. And sometimes that's too much pressure. So I'll just litter. Fuck it, purgatory. You know, gay people, I think, are real. But I'm skeptical of lesbians just because they play with like dildos and stuff. And I feel like if you were really a lesbian, you would have like a pocket pussy. Brilliant. I love it. Dallas's own Aya ladies in gentlemen, huh? Yeah. Fucking awesome stuff. Hey, Tony. Hello. Hi, Tim. Hi, Joe. Hi, Red Band. Hey, Aya, great job. Thank you, Tim. Really good. Thank you, Joe. Yeah, really great. You're, you're era, aren't you? I'm sorry. You're era, right? I am. Me too. Oh, really? What kind? I'm Moroccan. Oh, really? Yeah, 100%. That's awesome. He was Moroccan as dick and a tranny's mouth. [LAUGHTER] The dog's out of the bag, if you will. What happens in Egypt? Oh, I thought that happened to you in Vegas. You what? I thought that happened to you in Vegas. Yes. OK. If not, stay in Vegas. Yeah. But no. Joe, you're Egyptian, right? I am Egyptian, mostly. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't exploit it, so I get nothing out of it. Right. Yeah, I just walk around like a dumb white. And get me nowhere in this career. I always knew you were Egyptian, because any time you would leave the men's room, you dick stinks. [LAUGHTER] Because you were banging trannies in the ass. Yeah. Go away. Finks. Finks instead of stints. Anybody? Everybody. Finally, someone gave it to me on this show. Tony Gayne. Someone that's actually kind of gay. Speaking of which. Speaking of it, Tony had a fruit platter in his green room, but he didn't need any, because it would have been cannibalism. Gayne. [APPLAUSE] Joe had sausage in his green room. It was like, her name was Leslie. [LAUGHTER] We're having fun here. This feels like home. I love it. I-- you are so always. You are just really you. You are-- for those of you that might be wondering, some of these people, they kind of like amp up and do a characterish thing, or like do a-- For example, being retarded. Yeah, exactly. For example, Colt, who we work with all the time, he's never really like, hey, Tony, I got to tell you. I got to tell you. But Ia is always like this. She's always sweet and real and just herself. Very nice, polite. And then there's this amazing, amazing stand-up that you do that is so smart. Like, I've never thought of that fucking pocket pussy thing. I thought my brain had kind of covered everything with lesbians and dildos and all of them. Yeah. They should have one like that they eat for the love of the game, right? [LAUGHTER] God, that is so sweet. I want to be the very best lesbian. I have a couple in my car if you want one of them. OK, cool. Red, man. No, she's not jumping you fucking animals. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm not going to jump. No, I'm not going to make you jump. You're too special for that. Are you going to ask me where I'm from? Where are you from? I'm from Garland, Texas. Oh, my goodness. [APPLAUSE] All the Mexicans. How many-- how many goddamn neighborhoods does Dallas have? It has a lot, this place. That's the 17 fucking neighborhood that somebody said. Yeah, yeah. Dallas and Houston are two of the weirdest. They're like their own fucking states. It's very bizarre. What's Garland known for? So-- Oh, the place is in a ruckus. OK, so-- Bunch of homos. David Kuresh went to my high school. Wow. Main drop. Not to brag or anything. Wow. In the end, you both ended up burning down the house. Bravo. Oh, OK. It's a good thing. You had a good set. I thought you were being racist for a second. Kuresh burned down his house burned down. Yeah. I think I have the thing, right? Nobody's reacting. OK. I, anything else crazy we should talk about before getting you back? OK, I had a question for Dee Madness, actually. Ooh, very exciting. I love this. OK, he did. Yes. Hey, Dee. We have a mic for Dee, is that one? Do you watch porn? Ooh, good question. Yeah. [APPLAUSE] Wow, that is incredible. Dee, I have a follow-up question, unless you do, Aya. You go for it. Now, do you tend to have a preference between black women and white women, or lesbians, or anything like that? Do you have a preference? Unbelievable answer. Their voice is like black voice, or-- Amazing. Is there a volume that you're into? [LAUGHTER] Is there a volume that you're into? Volume. Expatial. Like, do you want it loud or quiet? Oh, perfect. That's how I like my steak. I can't believe there's no preference between black or white. Audio-wise, I think black porn's a lot. It's got a lot more humor in it. Oh, hell now. You ain't putting it there, yeah. That thing ain't even fit back there, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Hey. [LAUGHTER] Asian pussy man. Wait a minute. That sounds like a black woman. That's right. OK. That's what I was doing. Oh, isn't expecting that from you. Dee, I don't know if you know anything about Dee, but if a dude talks during his porn, he has to start all over. This guy is he's the known resident homophob on the show. Normally he takes one of his pee breaks when anyone's being slightly gay. The fact that he found out Darosa got sucked off by a tranny and last year's skankfest means that he's never going to be able to look Joe directly in the eyes again. This is he never did before. So how about a hand for the great D madness, everybody? And I, you're a saint. So much fun. One of the best fucking, one of the, I just love it. The energy around Ia, she's definitely going to be doing this for the rest of her life. That's a fucking little star what you're seeing right there. You get to watch people grow here on Killtoni in real time. Normally you don't find out about these people till they're 15 years into the career, 10, 15, 20 years. Only on this show do you get to watch people start, get better. Go through it, maybe, you know, have a tough set. Get great again. Back to the bucket. Your next bucket pulls the name is Tomek Kolecki. That sounds familiar. Tomek Kolecki, everybody. Hi. Hello, Dallas and hello, America. Hi. I'm Tomek Kolecki. I'm from Poland. I just arrived to this country one week ago. So, I have very strong accent. And because of this accent, it's hard to get pussy in America, you know? Because we don't have sexy accent. Italian people, sexy accent, French people. Ullolo, I want to see you pussy. Polish people, we sound like Borat. It's hard to be sexy Borat, you know? With this accent, my best pick-up line is very nice. How much? I need to work only on prostitute, but works. Forks, yeah. I need to work on my accent though, I need to. Because I want to trick Latinas into believing that I can give them green cards, so. What else? If you don't know where Poland is, I don't blame you. We don't have oil. Right. You all know where Venezuela is, right? Don't worry, in Poland we call with America, because we are not that important, you know? For you to understand how less Poland means in Europe, we are white people without white privilege. It's like being a black guy with short dick. Thank you very much, thank you. Top Mac, cool, lucky. Thank you. Thank you guys. Hell yeah. So, Mac is back. Yeah. I'm back, baby. Another fun set. How'd you end up here in Dallas? We know you're originally from Poland, and we met you in Austin, Texas. Yeah. But how'd you end up here? I've been in Austin last year for three months, then I went back to Poland, and I just arrived to America a week ago. Yeah. A week ago. Yeah. I drove here from Austin for this. I'm also staying in Austin, but of course I need to comfort this, right? Oh, yeah. Is there anything about Dallas that you've fallen in love with since you've been here? It's a nice city. I'm from Poland. Every city in America is nice. Yeah. It's nice. Definitely. And I can feel energy in Dallas because I'm a supporter of Poland football national team, like soccer national team. So, I understand your pain in Dallas because you support Dallas' cold voice. So, I understand this appointment. Just take note that even people that live in small countries literally on the other side of the planet that don't really know how football works make fun of you. They all make, oh, Dallas Cowboy. I understand. I'm terrible. It is so bad. Our soccer team is so bad. They're like in a Dallas Cowboy. Oh, there's some people that are pissed. Oh, my goodness. Oh, there's this one lady looking at me. So angry right now. I understand these appointments. This one lady looks like she's going to pull a pocket pussy out of her mouth and start eating it. Just for the love of the game. No, not that one. The one behind. She knows which one. Okay. Joe DeRosa. Dude, honestly, man, I'm so impressed. I'm always so impressed when somebody from another country comes to the states and does well. If you come from Poland and kill, like, it's so impressive. Because I've traveled with stand-up. China, Amsterdam, Iceland, I bomb my fucking ass off when I go to other countries. For you to come in from Poland, spur the moment and smash like that. It's fucking really impressive. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. It's really impressive, man. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Yo hablo un poco español también. Let's go. Whoa. Whoa. It's a Polish chorizo. Amnesty. Were you learning to speak Spanish? Why did you learn to speak Spanish? Are they invading Poland, too? In Poland, it's mandatory to learn two separate languages. And everybody learn English. Another one you can choose. I'm not going to learn German because Polish people have PTSD from German. So you just kill. Saisy! Saisy! I cannot do this. Spanish is easier, you know? Spanish is nice. Oh. All right. You ever been with a Latina woman before? No. Not yet. Oh my goodness. Have you ever kissed a Latina woman before? Not yet. Is there a Latina woman out there in the audience? Can we get some house lights up here for a second? It means some house lights. Is there a Latina woman that wants to make Killtony history? And a Polish boy's dream come true? Stand up if there's a decent Latina woman. Is there a Latina woman right there? Come on up, sweetheart. This is how the magic happens. Only here. Only in the Killtony universe, everyone. There we're up here. We're going to have this. We're going to have one of the bad guys from Indiana Jones throw you up here. This security guy here. What the fuck? Oh my goodness. Look at this. I just need to. Your first Latina kiss. Make it a good one. Just one second. Oh Jesus Christ, oh Mac. This is why we threw you guys on the trains in World War II. Let's go with the flow, dude. What are you ruining the momentum? I have beautiful girlfriend in Poland. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. To Mac. To Mac. I love my girlfriend. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. To Mac. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. To Mac. To Mac. Look over here. You stupid bastard. Look over here. I know, but. To Mac. You really think your girlfriend wouldn't get it if you kissed a girl on the show? Yeah, she would. She would be the mad? Yeah. Oh, well, you're in trouble no matter what. Tim Butterley. To Mac, you're making the right call. No, nobody wants that. Oh, I blew it. You know, Tony, I'll kiss this girl. I can't, I can't kiss Red Van No Problem. I can't kiss Red Van No Problem. You sound. How about Joe DeRosa? Will you kiss Joe DeRosa, Tim Butterley? Oh, yeah. Let's throw a wig on him. Oh, yeah, let's do that. Fuck, he's fucking dead, dude. All right, all right. Go on together kissing the cheek. Let's go, everybody. Who the fuck is on the cheek? Shut the fuck up, Tomac. Bitch, Joe DeRosa. You sound like, by the way, you sound like the kid in high school that lies. I got a super hot girlfriend. You listen, boy. Have you ever seen. She's smoking on it. Where the God? Have you ever seen police girls? There's our beauty for you. You know, like. Police girls are. Police guys are beautiful. But dumb as shit. I feel bad letting this poor Latina woman up here without a kiss. Michael Gonzalez, have you ever kissed a Latina woman before? Oh, my God. I mean, I'm just trying to make show biz magic happen here. It's a live show. Anything can happen. All these other late-night hosts and producers and writers and everything's decided. Michael Gonzalez, show this woman out of kiss, will you? Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, shit. I think she might be pregnant now. That's incredible. Wow. Thank you. Oh, my goodness gracious. Again, the bad guy from Indiana Jones on the Temple of Doom is going to let you down. Or Om Shibad. Or Om Shibad. You have herpes now, by the way. Oh, wow. The red band. Throwin' in a little socket. Oh. We're on the soup. All right. So, Mac, another great set. Next time, just fucking kiss the girl. It's a show biz, dude. The same pole, and this is where big, big, big things are made. I know, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, bro. Thank you. Oh, thank you. It catches like a real pole. These Polish people, not the smartest, you know what I mean? There he goes. It's going to go drop pictures in that book. I love that his girlfriend was okay with him going. I gotta spend five grand to throw my name into a bucket. But not with kissing a chick. Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you with fucking kiss that girl on a show where the whole fucking crowd wanted you to. Can you imagine going back to Poland? -HKs at least. -All right. -We have another one word name. You guys still having fun out there? Makes some noise for your next bucket pool. Oh, derosis got to go jerk off. Everybody, it's Kill. Kill is next on Kill Tony. [ Cheers and applause ] The first time that I ever got into a crowd like this, is gonna be like this. This is fucking crazy. But I'm about to pull out William Montgomery, because I can't remember shit right now. But the, you know, back a long time ago, there was a Pope, his Pope Gregory, and he hated cats. He hated him so bad he wouldn't have all killed. And that's the first time I've ever heard about the Pope killin' some pussy. [ Laughter ] Ooh. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] You know, if you got a, if you commit incest, more than once, is it recessed? [ Laughter ] I was kind of asking for my cousin, but, you know, fuck it. When I was a kid, I used to think that you got gonorrhea. So you got rid of diarrhea. [ Laughter ] Fucking. All right, there was a croc, a dial, and there was a alligator. All right, I want you to keep going, Gil, 'cause it took you a while to get started. Now you got momentum. I want to hear more of these jokes. Start that one over again. -Okay. -Let's go, Gil. [ Cheers and applause ] Okay, there's this crocodile, and he was fucking this alligator. And right when he got done, he said, "I'm Cayman." [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, you know, my, uh. My girlfriend, she won't have sex with me, 'cause she said, "I look like the Lorax." [ Laughter ] Fuck that shit. I'm so broke that my goddamn EBT, my goddamn internet provider is Chad EBT. [ Cheers and applause ] I'm not. I'm poor. I'm not for gender-affirming surgeries, but I am for all furries to be spated and neutered. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, yeah. Fuck. -Yeah, dude. Hey. [ Cheers and applause ] I'm talking. I've never seen a set where it gets more blatantly better as he goes than this one. -You know, I'm at the first 30 seconds, talking about how crazy life is that you're here. And then you just started. -Fuck. I mean, I've done this about 10 times, you know, and nothing like 10 people, you know, and I mean. -I love it. -Is that, like, this shit, but credible. -Yeah, but anyway, I was gonna get back to my, to the furries. You know, I talk shit about furries and all, you know, and I got one to lose next door to me. And she's like, "She comes up, she floats with me, she gets on the fence, and she goes back and forth, and she robs my leg every now and then, and I'm, and I'm talking about my girlfriend. If she don't quit, I'm gonna fuck that bitch." [ Laughter ] -You know. -Wow. -This is so cool. -Yeah. -So you've only done stand-up about 10 times. -But 10 times. -But 10 times. -This is an honor for me. -Right, man, you knew the shit, man. -Whoa, look at that. That's a legit Kiltzoni tattoo. So nice to meet Stone Cold Steve Dallas. -Oh, yeah, brother. -I'm not even from Dallas. -No, I know. I know. You joke works, though, because we're here. -Where are you from? -I'm from Atlanta, but I live in Panama City Beach right now. -Okay, I should have known by the fucking handlebar, Hulk Hogan mustache. Look at that, man. Are you a bouncer at a vape store? What is it? -Yeah, exactly. I wish. I wish. Now, I'm unemployed right now. -Okay, what did you do before that? -I was a electrician. Electrician, and then I moved to Panama City to chase my dream to comedy, and. -What made you move to Panama City? -Well, I already had a place there. I got divorced, and I already had a place there, and I didn't know we're leaving Atlanta, so I just quit my job there and said, "Fuck it." -I heard that girls are pretty there, Tony. -Oh, is that what you heard? -Yeah, they're okay. -All right. -I'm already got a girl, but there is some hot ones there, you know. -Okay. So, where did this new girl, how long you been with her? -Well, actually, I've been with her all my life, you know, but we got separated. -Okay. -She was my first girlfriend when I was like 14, and then she had six kids. -She had six kids? -Yeah. -How many kids did you have? -One. -You had one? -Yeah. -And how long did you get divorced? -A year ago. -And then when did you start banging this chick again? -You're in a half ago. -Oh, okay. Now I see the timeline works out. I see why you got divorced. -Yeah. -Absolutely perfect. -Definitely. -Hell, yeah. -If you say my ex-wife, you really know. -I bet. -You might be the perfect stepdad. -Every detail about you from head to toe is ideal. -Thank you, stepdad. -I appreciate that. I think that's a compliment. -Totally. -Absolutely incredible. What do you look like with the sunglasses up? You look cool as fuck with them down. -Oh, shit. -For our side. -I'm not gross. -No, we know. Red band. -The alcohol's really hitting Red Band. He mixes Red Bull and Botka, so he gets more energy, and more stupid as the night goes on. It's an incredible thing. Perfect for podcasting. -Yeah. -Anyway. -Yes, sir. -Yeah, it's incredible. How old's your kid? -He's a 18. -So you're close to being the world's coolest grandpa. -Female? -No, he's a male, you know. -Okay, Red Band. -Fuckin' make, play some funny sounds or something. Totally destroying this interview. We have no momentum right now. Shut the fuck up. All right. Tell us something interesting about your life, Gil. -But your actual life history. -Well, we talking about my son, you know, it's just gonna fucked up and bring up. But we got into it. I had a little fall in out. He stabbed me three times. -Oh, my God. -Tammy got here, too. -I can't believe you're unemployed. -I'm good. I'm good. -What exactly happened when he decided to stab you? What were you guys arguing about? -His bitch asked Mama. -Oh, my God. -Yeah. -That bitch. -That bitch. -What did she do this time? -Well, uh, well, we're sitting there and we got all these kids at our condo. You know, since she has six of them. -No, we just had one. But she is like the neighborhood mom of us. Everybody come down to our condo. It's spring break from Atlanta. -Right. -So everything, you know, I'm cool then. You know, everybody wants to hang out about it. -Yeah, because you're in Panama City fucking fresh pus. -Yeah. -All right. Go ahead. -But anyway, we're all down there. This is before I got divorced, of course. -I know. -So we're down there. And she's like, well, I'm gonna have to go get something to eat. You know, she's like, well, I can't leave all these kids here. You're a grown-ass man. Go get yourself something to eat. So I said, okay, I went and got something to eat. -Yeah. -Well then, when I come home, she didn't tell my son that I stole her goddamn bank card and shit. You know, and then I didn't took off with it. -Yeah. -You know, I didn't tell my son that I stole her goddamn bank card and shit, you know, and then I didn't took off with it. -Yeah, you don't look like the kind of guy that would ever do that. -No, no. -It was my bank card. -You're damn right. -Yeah. -The end of the day, you're the provider. What does that bitch do for work anyway? -She don't. -You're damn right? -Yeah. -I fucking knew it. I knew it. She was staying home bitch. -But anyway, yeah. Exactly. [ Laughter ] Thank you. Thank you, Tony. -See, we have momentum now. -All right. -Stick with the sound of fun. -The man, go ahead. -I'm loving this shit right now. God damn it. God damn it. This is so exciting. DeRose is hard as a rock right now. -No, I know it. I know it. I know it. -This is looking at that handlebar handles. -I know. -Yeah, more. -That mustache could hold a lot of comfort. [ Laughter ] -Gutters. -They have gutters. -Yeah, yeah. -No, there he is. Oh, for the last four, Brian Redban from the plate. -All right, go ahead. -So, wait, it was your bank card. -Yeah. -But you came home. -Yep. -She said you stole her bank card. -She don't even have a bank card. You asked me. She has a scan card. [ Laughter ] -That did. -Well, God damn it. -Anyway, she got them all around. I walk in the door and it's like, she is going, you know, it's like, "To the window, to the walls." -Oh, yeah. And we know how you feel about that kind of music. -No, no, fuck, no. And I look at them and I said, "You have to sweat runs down my balls." And I was like, "Oh!" And I was like, "Hey, Blake, what's going on?" And she's like, "You got my mother's fucking card?" I said, "Don't talk to me like that." Well, she already been talking shit before I got them, you know, before when I was gone. -Right. -I got the kids all railed up because my son was married. -Of course. -And once she starts blabbing, then comes the stabbing. -Yeah. -That's what we always say. I know, buddy. I know you, and you know me. We're a happy family. But the big old hug and a kiss from me, you won't say you let me do. Let's go. -When does the stabbing start? -About two o'clock in one. -Wow. And does he say anything before he plunges at you with a knife? -Well, the music's so loud. I really couldn't hear him. He just steps in front of me. -That's what that music tends to do. It tends to cause violence with people. -This is a massive jump, by the way. -Oh, yeah. -From him jumping into a single arm -to getting stuck. -Being going to jump, give us 10 real quick. Give us 10. Let's go. One, two, three. (audience cheering) Yeah! The crowd goes wild here in Dallas, Texas. Easy, breezy. - You guys make out! - You two make out! (audience laughing) - Oh shit. The roast is about to get four stab wounds. - Yeah, yeah. (audience laughing) - All right, so back to the stabbing. - Yep, yep. That's the stab. I fucking got separated, you know? Oh, I didn't get to do exactly how I got stabbed. He just stepped in front of me and I was like, you know, the fuck? - And he had a knife. He's like, fuck. - No, no, no, no. He just felt, I was like, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get by, my mother just slapped me. - In the face? - In front of all his God and friends. I'm like, what the fuck? So I just slapped the fuck out of it? - You're God damn mother fucking right, you did. Does he have a mustache like yours? Did it like flap a little bit when you slapped him? - No, he had no fucking facial hair at all. You're God damn right, why? 'Cause he's that bitch's son. - No. - Doesn't have the powerful genetics like you, Gil. - No, he looks just like me yet. - Oh, okay, well, I mean, I don't, I'm just guessing here. - I know, I know, I know. - All right, go ahead, then what happens? - Well, within after he slapped me, I'm like, no, they go crazy and all the kids are going crazy and they're like, oh, and I'm like, I'm just standing there. Like, when the fuck are you sliding? What the fuck do you expect, you know? - Right. - Don't ask mother fucker. I mean, you slapped me again, I'm gonna slap you again. You're damn right. - Did you tear up it all the way that you sometimes do when you get slapped? - Yeah, sometimes a natural-- - I didn't tear up it all, I was like, what the fuck? - Hell no, no one knows that you did 'cause you wear those sunglasses 24/7. (laughing) You can slap this man all day, you won't see a sign of emotion. - No, especially from my kid, you know what I mean? - You know what we say in Panama City, or wherever the fuck you're from, tears are for queers. - Yeah, exactly right, you're out. - Hell yeah, if you want that clap back, I'm gonna slap back, you know what I'm saying? We got a lot of sayings down there, I have a multitude on my forearms. - No, you're right. - All right, okay. So when did the stabbing start? - It's the longest interview of the night and I think it's damn well worth it. - Oh, well, it happened right, well I went crazy and shit, I go out to the console with my niece, 'cause she's like, I don't know, traumatized or something like, how old's the niece, 35? - No, okay. - She's the same age as my son. - Okay. - And like, she knew what's her goddamn parents fightin' shit. - You know what I mean? - Right. - I said, traumatized and shit, I'm like, what the fuck, you know, so I'm just tryin' to help her out because, you know. - The niece is black, you're like, dead jerk? - No, okay, forget it, keep going. - I got stabbed and let's get to the actual stabbing part. - So I'll come back in the house after, she freaks out and she leaves and shit, and I come back in the house and he's like, he's like, he's, he's fuckin' pussy, get the fuck out of my house. I'm like, who is that the bitch again? - No, that's my son. - Oh, yeah, bitch number two. - She didn't got his head talkin' shit. - Yeah. - So then all of a sudden, I'm like, you know, what the fuck, you know, you know. Get the fuck out of the way, I'm tryin' to go upstairs, just get no one pussy, you know. I'm the motherfucker, about that time I just feel, pep pep pep, I'm like, boy, you got them boyed and the fuckin' hit me. About that time blood just started pouring down my side. I'm like, you fuckin' little pussy. And they're all separated and shit, I just walk up stairs. - You just walked up stairs, that's it. - Yep, stabloon in your skull? - No, I'm talkin' like-- - Wow, real nice. (audience laughing) - Once in the skull. - Yep. - Wow, so you'll slap 'em back, but if he stabs you, you just go up to your room. - I mean, what the fuck, Gill? - I didn't, I didn't have enough. - Thank God. Well, Gill, I'll tell you what, man. You know, you showed what the show is 'cause you were nervous as fuck clearly when you got up here, you let the pressure get to you. And then you fought it all the way, all the way to a great back end of the set and an unbelievable interview, Gill. Thank you, my friend. There he is, Gill, ladies and gentlemen. - You're so pretty, y'all, thank you. - Well, we're coming around the corner. I have a few special treats left for you. One of them is happening right now at this very moment, as I present to you. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show. A man so powerful that sometimes God Himself says, "Wow, that guy is good." You've seen him open, kill Tony more times than any other golden ticket winner. He has more spots. All time than any other golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, the undeniable force that is Martin Villa. (audience cheering) ♪ That guy get away ♪ ♪ Said I could make a cool boy, right? ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Okay ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ You ready? ♪ ♪ CD actor of the show ♪ ♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow ♪ ♪ Okay, I could never be a surgeon ♪ ♪ For other reasons, I'm very squeamish, so ♪ ♪ I feel like a great kid ♪ ♪ Loose the leg, okay, loose the leg ♪ ♪ I don't know how I trust doctors, you know? ♪ ♪ Yo, the doctor, they're like, you have leukemia ♪ I didn't say, "I didn't have that before I came here," you know, I was, I was feeling good, you know? At that, at the hotel I had, I was walking to my room. I could hear people having sex. And at first, I was like, "Yeah, you know?" But, but then I heard the guy, he was like, "Oh, I was like, this is gross." And then I was like, "Oh, I'm so sick of this boy, I'm so sick of this." And then I was like, "Oh, I'm so sick of this boy, I'm so sick of this." And then I was like, "Oh, I'm so sick of this boy, I'm so sick of this boy, I'm so sick of this." I didn't even like that list, but I know it's cool now. Here, I'll get cold with the guys. And clearly, you're the best player ever in Texas Rangers baseball history. A lot of people know that. I got this first Nolan Ryan, at least. I'll give Nolan Ryan some credit. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, the King of the Buns over here. True. The King of the Buns. Well, I'm butterly. I'm curious, did you try any sports as a kid? Yeah, I was. Okay. I was the water boy on our football team, okay. I had to wear a jersey. I had my own jersey. I was the manager of our college club baseball team division two. And at the end of the season, they let me go out that bat. And I hit the ball. I got a run. So my batting average is a thousand. Wow. Wow. Wow. Incredible. In fact, he's the first person to ever dribble on a baseball field. Wow. Well, you know, actually, I brought something special today. Oh, oh, my goodness. So, I, in the past, I tapped dance at their show, you know. But then I realized all the people can't afford tap shoes. Or they don't want to commit to tap shoes. So, for all the kids out there, I had made my, made at home tap shoes myself. Oh, my goodness. You have actual tap shoes on that I'll made at home. Oh. So, all you have to do is get some old sneakers. I'll crush some soda cans and duct tape them. Flip. I love your shoes. You've done that here today. Yeah. Can we get a little tap dance? Sounds, and sounds just like regular tap. You could do that at home. Okay. This is incredible. You're like, Bill Nye or something. There are. I called on the taxes tap shoes. Okay. Here we go. Oh. Everybody be quiet. You have to be quiet. Wow. Sounds the same. Absolutely incredible. Anything could happen here on Kiltzone. I did it. I literally can't tell the difference between that and good tap dance. Uh-oh. Dallas has spoken. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've got to put the mic down on the ground one more time because these people want 10 improvised Jumping jacks from you Martin Phillips. We got to give Dallas what they want The tabs who's on I mean yeah, that's let's just give it a shot here It'll be great just any form of jumping jack is going to be fully acceptable here I can do a fucking jack. Yeah, it's okay perfect Here we go count them out ten of them one two For the great parts and Phillips ladies and gentlemen. Wow Another great set another great interview He's batting a thousand on Kiltoni as well as his little league career All right back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen make some noise for another Dallas fucking pull This is Stephen taco everybody Stephen taco is the name So So I'm a beekeeper Keep bees Interesting thing about bees though is I didn't know that not all of them make honey, right? So I bee keep the the Western European honey bee right makes honey But then there's like the African eyes killer bee they make crack cocaine Oh Cool thing about bees though is that they're like They're high-minded, right? They're like the ultimate form of communism Yeah, they're a lot like the Chinese Like it's all for one They're they're the individual doesn't matter and they all look exactly the same And that's racist All right, Stephen taco welcome to the show Stephen you've been on before right no sir for your first time Yes, sir, first time ever even signing up. Wow. How long you been on stand up about six years six years. We're out and four words Okay, you know for it worth well Again hyenas yes, sir. Yeah, yeah great. Yes, sir. I love it So tell us about your life. Oh? So I'm a beekeeper part time, and then I'm a I'm a server at risky's risky's barbecue and downtown for work Risky's oh, yeah, that's what Joe calls a blow job at Stankfest Any food you ever handed me would be considered risky Wow, so how did you get into beekeeping? my uncle's been doing it for like 15 years and He's been trying to get me into it and like for the longest house like fuck that. I ain't fucking doing a bee You fucking out your mind, and then I went with him to a farmer's market and he made like a thousand dollars in like four hours I was like fuck it. He's let's let's slice some honey, dude It's like selling drugs, but legally, you know what I mean? So something like that. Okay. I love it Your uncle ever try to touch you tried Hey, he's a millionaire, dude. I'd let him he was calling you honey before you ever touched to be Amazing and it's a profitable business beekeeping. Yeah, I mean, it's it's a little side hustling I mean I do it every other weekend. We sell it at the asal farmers market y'all come and see me do you know a lot of name dropping A lot of fat people going crazy to farmers market Amazing Stephen. What's your love life like? Well, who's that picture on Oliver fan are the goonies, I think now That's my mother. Wow Is it really it's really your mother? Yes, why why why do you have that picture of your mom all over you? So she called me one night was like, oh my god. I lost my tooth. Yeah, and so I was like you got to send me a picture of it Yeah, so she sent me the picture. I was like, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen in my entire life Amazing, so she was like you want me to make you a t-shirt. I'm like do I Hell yeah, and then I was at her house right before I came here had to drop my son off and she saw what I was wearing She's like are you really gonna wear that shirt? I'm like, yeah, she's like in this on YouTube. I'm like mom You're about to be fucking famous dude. So yeah, shout out mom, dude. Hey, you guys Pretty sure most of the bucket pulls tonight have a mom missing a tooth Children's side aside from your uncle. How many times have you been stung dude a bunch? Like by bees I mean It's gonna happen a lot a lot. Yeah, they don't like me. I don't know what it is probably me fucking stealing all their fucking honey Like what's the most like you ever got stung like comedy? You know, I got I got stung like eight times in my hand through the glove We got a new species. It's a Russian species and they're fucking aggressive Russian bees. Russian bees dude. Yeah, God. What could possibly go wrong? Oh We had some Italian bees but they're real fucking calm, but they don't make a lot of honey So we're like let's get some Russians and they are fucking workhors. Yeah, they're fucking soldiers And they're drinking vodka Getting into bare knuckle peep boxing matches Doing Russian shit Absolutely incredible. I'm surprised the Italian bees were called Yeah, do they give up? Any other kind of bees. Did you perhaps have any black bees at any point? Because I'm guessing very little honey was made that They went out for milk never came back Stephen taco Amazing Stephen. What's another fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? I just got out of prison. Whoa The part-time beekeeper what are it? Riskeys with a mom missing a tooth wearing a shirt with her face all over just got out of prison crazy What were you in prison for a possession of a controlled substance of methamphetamine? Wow, you had crystal meth on you. Yeah, amazing. I know Wow, the apple doesn't fall far So how much man? I don't even know what quantity would be interesting, but did you have a lot of meth on you? No, dude. It was it was under a gram. It was like such a small amount like oh, yeah You're just trying to get a slight little buzz on. Oh, welcome to Dallas where you get food for having only a little meth on you Boo. There ain't even enough to get me higher than that. Who's he? Man little man. What are you doing trying to get your chihuahua high? Less than a grime. Oh shit. Don't but don't know Boo, I don't know the meal. By the way, there's no such thing as a little bit of man That's like saying kind of rape. Yeah, yeah, I would be definitely afraid to have even a speckle on anything How often do you do meth my little friend? Yeah, I've been sober for 15 months now, so no, oh wow look at that Wow, yeah, I heard booze They booze sobriety as well here. Um, so that was a how long were you in jail for about a year? Okay a little bit So that's what sobered you up. Yeah, people asked me like how'd you get sober? I'm like it's this nice state funded rehabilitation center called the Texas Department of Criminal Justice Oh, yeah, that'll do it. Did you have cellmates or anything like that? Yeah, it was in a 68 man dorm 68 of us all the one dorm, got a 68 man dorm. Come down Tony How many times did you get stung in there? Not that many so tell us what's the highlight of the 68 man dorm? I mean you must have stories out of the wazoo in the wazoo Yeah, do you do is it was it to believe believe it or not? You'd presence not that funny. It's actually kind of depressing, so I mean there must be a moment that would be compelling or interesting though We were just talking to a guy for 12 minutes that got stabbed in the head by his stepson Give us a little something here. No, this is actually like so actually like Contrary to popular belief like the prison rape thing. That's what I was worried about right. I'm going there No one wants to rape a guy who has a picture of his teeth with mom But they're not raping in there. Do they're just fucking do you think yeah Yeah, people go on dates and shit like boyfriends. I bet you half of the guys do not agree with you But the other half do Did you have an anal orgasm me no never what's the what's the wackiest thing? Did you jerk off when you were in prison all the time? So how do you do it? How do you do it without like other people being like hey stop that up there? It was pretty courteous, dude. So we had like a shower list. And you put your name on there, right? And so like, even though it was like a big shower, we only went in there one at a time. And we actually had a pump in the dorm. And like, he had like a binder full of like jackshots is what we call it. So it's like chicks with their titties out and stuff like that. And for two soups, you can rent one for your shower session. - If you give someone two soups, they give you a waterproof binder? - It's not just a picture. So you have like a whole binder of bitches that you can flip through and be like, "I'll take this one today." - You're just sticking on the wall and wow. - Do your thing. - That guy's a genius. - You know what's funny? - That guy just eats soup all day. (laughing) - Sounds like an amazing gig. - This was the same setup like eighth graders had when I was a kid. (laughing) - Shunkie then. - Well, the funny thing was like, I had my favorites. And every now and then, I'd be like, "I think I'm gonna cheat on her tonight with this one." - Hell yeah. Were you ever scrolling through the binder and you found a picture of your toothless mom in there? (laughing) - Tony don't talk like that. My mother's a little classy woman. Thank you very much. - I agree. Love you mom. - I agree. We're speaking the tooth. - Hey Eddie. - All right. Butterly, anything else? We're Steven talk out. - Wait, what was the sketchiest thing that happened to you? - Yeah. - In your time there. - Great question. - Look, I get along with everybody. You know how they say like you go in there and whoever the biggest guy is. You go in there and you punch him in his fucking face. - Yeah, no, you go, you went in there and you gave him your tooth. - Hell yeah, dude. (laughing) I went in there and I was like, "You wanna watch a movie together?" Or like, "Have dinner tonight?" I mean, I had my jail boyfriend, you know what I mean? Ernie, what's up, dude? (audience laughing) - Hell yeah. Shout out to Ernie. Hopefully he's getting Wi-Fi right now at the Texas River. - He was the biggest dude in there and I was like, "I'm gonna make sure that guy likes me." (laughing) - I love it. - He's cool as well. Ben Taco, fun set, fun interview, very good stuff. Big show book for you, my friend. Six years from the game from Fort Worth, that's Steve and Taco, back to the bucket. We go, we're coming around that corner. I have two big surprises for you after this. But for now, let's make it your final bucket hole of the night, goes by the name of Trenton Tibo, everybody. Trenton Tibo. (upbeat music) I lost my virginity to a female magician. (audience laughing) And that really complicated sex for me after that. 'Cause it's like, "What do you mean your clits not behind my ear?" (audience laughing) Man, I had some New Year's resolutions, like I wanted to storm the Capitol again. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) But I also wanted to lose like a little bit of weight, like nothing crazy. I just wanted to lose enough weight that if I heard someone yell, "Hey, you fat fuck in public." I had the confidence to not turn around. (audience laughing) Because like, fat's more than physical. Fat's like a mindset as well. 'Cause like, I can't see Chinese lettering without getting hungry. (audience laughing) Like, a girl to have a tattoo. You wanna finish it? Girl, have a tattoo. We done? (audience cheering) Yeah, a girl have a tattoo and she'd be, she'd say, "Ah, this means peace and tranquility." I'm like, "No, that's Beijing beef." I'm fucking, (audience laughing) Hell yeah. Trenton T-Bo, ladies and gentlemen. First time on KiltZone. Second. Second, where was the other one at? Ah, another ship. Nice, how long ago? Ah, 2023. Okay, well, welcome back. It's been a few years, obviously, Trenton T-Bo. How long did it stand up now? Three years in change. Wow, so the first time you were on KiltZone, you were very, very new. Yeah, I was about a year in, bro. Well, look at you now, man. Crushing in front of 8,000 people. Trenton T-Bo, is this where you're from? Yeah, I live about an hour from here. What part? I live in Mineral Wells, but I'm in Dallas every week. Mineral Wells. (audience cheering) Incredible. Incredible. What's the most meth you've ever had on you in one time? I'm way too fat for meth, dude. Yeah. I got all my teeth. We're good. Perfect. I love it. Trenton, what do you do for a living? Ah, we're going to a restaurant. Okay. What kind of restaurant is it? Ah, dude, I just fry fucking chicken, that's what I do. Oh, shit. Okay. How long have you been frying chicken for? A sad amount of time. (audience laughing) I cook nine years. Wow. John D's has been frying it for like 45 years. It's incredible. (audience laughing) Nah, it's a job that allows me the flexibility to do stand-up and all that, and like I can take off whenever I want. Really? The frying chicken is flexible? (audience laughing) Not very demanding at the time. Ah. No, it's not. And so it's fine. And if I don't show up, it's like I have someone else to do it. (audience laughing) Mineral wells sounds like the middle of nowhere. Yeah. It is, right? Yeah, you'd be correct. And that's where you're born and raised? Ah, yes, sir. So like, what's your family like? What a mom and dad do? Ah, see, my dad just got fired after 27 years. How, what do you get fired from? Ah, well, it was budget cuts. He was the superintendent of the street department. Ah. And then my mom's a drug and alcohol counselor. Oh, okay. Look at that. Wow. So people end up on your dad's streets and your mom takes care of them. Yeah, that's right. Amazing. And how many people, if you had to guess, live in mineral wells? Ah, 16,946. Wow. That's an exact number. That's the kind of number that tells you, if you think you're thinking about moving a mineral wells, you got to check in with them first. (audience laughing) We don't want to make it 16,047, whatever that's all. Amazing. Trenton, tell it, give us another fun fact about you. Trenton T-Bo. Right before I was on the show the last time I got hit by a semi-truck. Oh my goodness. (buzzer) (buzzer) Wow. Yeah, I end up lost about a year's worth of memory from it. Oh my goodness. (buzzer) (audience laughing) Wow. Was there anything specific that you don't remember from then that you wish you did remember? Well, I mean, I got broken up with and then I hit her up in afterwards and she was like, "What the fuck do you want?" I'm like, "Oh, okay." Damn. That's like getting hit by a semi-truck twice. (buzzer) She got fat, it's okay. Hell yeah. Then it's like really getting hit by a semi-truck. (buzzer) (buzzer) Amazing. Hell yeah. Incredible stuff. Go ahead. I just, I want to, I thought your set was great, man. I think you're fucking really funny. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah. I appreciate it, man. Yeah, I just wanted to say that. Hey, I liked your special. What's that? I liked your special. Fuck. Thank you very much. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. (audience cheering) Trenton. I'm going to be honest with you. They love to win people do 10 jumping jacks for some reason. Is there any chance we can get you to do 10 jumping jacks real quick? No. Oh, he doesn't even say anything. This man understands the game. Two. Three. (audience cheering) Five. Five. Five. Five. Yeah. It's still Tony. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a big joke, book Trenton. Trenton, T-bow, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I mean what? And I'm going to be honest with you. And I've ever said anything about anyone in the history of the show for this man is the Hall of Fame or with the record for most appearances ever. The most interviews ever. A living member of the Killtony Hall of Fame. Who many people refer to as the vanilla gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Goliath of Grant Prairie. The Duke of Dallas. The Bear of Mineral Wells. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the big red machine. William Montgomery. [Cheering] How's it going, Dallas, Texas? [Cheering] And also, Dallas, I'm so curious. What are the chances that Motherfucker was actually a lifeguard? Holy crap! (laughs) Maybe like me coming out here saying, I'm Ryan Flernoy of the Dallas Cowboys. (audience laughs) Tiger Woods got drunk and flipped his car over again. (audience cheers) That guy spends more time on his back than Red Bands Mom. (audience cheers) And by the way, does anybody know? Does the Easter Bunny support Israel? (audience laughs) Don't make me call my lawyer. That's an impression of me after my teacher asked to my dad signed the field trip permission slip up. (audience laughs) Knock, knock. (audience cheers) Prince. (audience cheers) Prince doesn't have a last name. (audience laughs) Man, I missed the old BET. (audience cheers) Sources in Iran say that the new Ayatollah is both stupid and gay. Red Bands, I told you your ass is qualified for the job. (audience laughs) Okay, that's my time, Tony. - There we are. - Fight's out. (audience cheers) - Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. - Wow. - What's up, Tony? - The energy of this road set out. - Oh my God. - I mean, it really is something else. (audience cheers) - And really is, these people have been sitting in here for fucking all day and a half, four hours. - And also Joe, a trans person didn't actually suck your dick, right? - No, kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. - Yeah, I love you, I was kidding. - Okay. - No, yeah. - Oh, oh, oh. - Yeah, yeah. - It doesn't matter, I was just-- - It doesn't? - No. - No. - Right now. - No. - Are you judging? - I'm not at all. - Okay, thank you. - I apologize for bringing this up. I feel like it's a real thing. - Leave me be me. - I will. - Let me shine. - I'm happy for you. - I don't care. - I'm so quick. - How's it going, Tony? - William, I'm free. (audience cheers) - Trying to destruct his own incredible momentum. These people that love him. William, what has said it was? You know, somehow the first person tonight to cover the Tiger Woods accident, a lot of topical, very fun jokes in there whereas normally you're making references from the '70s, '80s, '60s. - I know, you're beginning onto me recently, Tony. So I switched it up just a little tonight. And Tony, I think secretly you like it when I have the old references. I think you secretly like it. - I do, I love everything about you, William. You can do no wrong with me. We've watched you do more sets than any other human in the history of the show. You are a man who set a standard for what a Kill Tony regular is supposed to be. - Well, I mean, there's a thing happen in here, William. They love it if people do 10 jumping jacks. There's something going on here in Dallas. - Okay, so I do 10 jumping jacks. - I mean, you want to do 10 for us? - Yeah. - Throw that mic in the mic. - Stan, they'll do the counting for you here. - Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, representing the Cowboys. William Montgomery doing 10. - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine, nine. - The crowd goes absolutely wild. - This show is insane. - Joe DeRosa. - Somehow you're jumping jacks were worse than Martin. - Yeah, were they? - I know, well. - And oh my gosh, hold on, on the way over here, we stopped at a buckies, and for those that don't know, you actually get the beaver nuggets. If you want to really get dessert, you put a bunch of whole milk and a thing, and you put the beaver nuggets in need of like cereal, just a little tip for anybody. It's the best kind of cereal there is. - Yeah. - And I'll be doing it tonight, Tony. - That is a great tip. - Yeah, put your beaver nuggets in cereal. Tonight I'm going to mess around with these cinnamon sugar versions, so I'm really excited about that. - Oh yeah, that's actual advice. - I think it's going to be a little bit like cap and quench, don't eat! - You have the humans on your side when you amp up like that. What else the buckies excites you that much? - Yeah, probably a little beef jerky! (crowd cheering) - And Tony, you know my ass is talking about the pepper beef jerky! (crowd cheering) - And also the dark chocolate races, Tony! (crowd cheering) - Yeah, I got to figure out my A1C situation, so I'm on the dark chocolate right now. - Oh, by the way, Tony didn't think your cereal recipe sounded tasty until you changed beaver to captain. (laughing) - God dammit, son of a bitch. - I thought that was funny. - It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight man. - Oh my god! - It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight guy after everyone knows you get your kicks like by a dude bro. - And Joe, I brought it up 'cause I was confirming. I don't care at all, I love you. You always been so nice to me, it's nothing bad. - I love you, no, I know it. - That's nothing bad, it's just like damn, dude! (laughing) - Like all these shit! (laughing) - William, how about in this, let me, let's get back to buckies, how it fires you up a little bit here, William, 'cause the crowd is really with you. We have a little momentum here. - What do you like in the sandwich department? - And the sandwich department? Tony, it's a little weird, because I think it's a little kind of, not everybody does this, but I really love the veggie burrito, Tony! And I'd say the veggie burrito, because I really do love buckies, but I'm not gonna eat chicken or beef that buckies, Tony. - It's really a sick thing quality. - Oh my goodness. - It's really horrible quality. - Oh, we've seen this before. He is turning on the crowd. He's like anti-meat in the heart of Texas. - They need to meet from there, Tony. - In the vegetables are just sub-barred. I actually don't even really like it there, Tony. - Oh my God, William. - And you look like a fucking clown rampant in your butt. - Yeah! - You look like a fucking make-a-wish person. - We love buckies. Whoa, whoa, look out. Derosa's getting hard. - Wow, William, you really do love buckies, though. - I know, I was kidding. And I also was thinking your mom actually has a tail red band. I was sitting in front of the back, and I was thinking, "What is this saying?" She says something called a vestigial tail. - Wow, incredible. Is there one more thing that you can grace us with that you love at buckies before we let you go, William? - Probably the caffeinated things you put in your mouth, Tony! - Wow, I don't know what they're called. - It's a very broad answer. - Yeah. - I mean, coffee? - Yeah. - Okay. I think he screamed a little too much. Sometimes the blood gets into his head. What you're seeing is a real artist who's done it more than anyone else in the history of the show. - Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. The legend, William Montgomery, everybody. - I know what you're thinking. That's William, the Hall of Famer. That's where the show normally ends. What could Tony possibly have brought for us here in Dallas, Texas that could possibly end a show over William Montgomery? What could it possibly be? And I present to you the only human being even above William, above Red Band, above everybody, who I let take full control when he's on the show. It's a very rare treat. He doesn't do a minute every week. He asks to prepare mentally, physically, a super talent unlike anyone in the 13 years of Kiltzoni. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an anomaly. For this is Jimmy Noverett. (audience cheering) (upbeat rock music) - Relax, gay guy. Jesus Christ. So, I watched Kiltzone for the first time. And one word, boring. (audience laughing) Hyphen gay, very gay. (audience laughing) So, I hired an editor to edit my part of the episode to make it more exciting, okay? And we're gonna be having visual effects going on behind me. So, one sec. (audience cheering) So, everything I described during my minute pretend like you've seen it 'cause we're gonna add it in post. (audience cheering) Okay, start the timer, Rebin. (audience cheering) No, Rebin, start the fucking timer. (audience cheering) So, it's figuring the fuck out of this bitch. Just giving it to her right and she wasn't coming so I was like god damn what makes you bitches come What the hell is going on? So I flip her around I start bifting this bitch Fuck this you see a pussy here. I'm fucking going in. I'm here wearing this bitch like a Rolex Still no come so I come around to eat her ass now You are going to be seeing a CGI asshole avatar James Cameron level asshole So I get down I start talking Navi to this asshole, right? I'm like Still not coming So I'm like all right god damn we gotta set the mood right so I throw up FBI crime statistics organized by race This one's not surprising right But black people or whatever So then she's really hard and bothered right because she's a racist bitch So I pick her up, she's fucking going up and down like Bitcoin and just like the bubble she So I said that bitch down my bitch my turn I just fucking Piss all over her face And just at this point just imagine you're seeing ISIS beheading video Wow Timmy no breaks yet again Changing the parameters Rewriting the game we thought we might hit a wall after 13 years and then we are blessed Grace by the presence of greatness Timmy no breaks all gas no breaks With a green screen ladies and gentlemen and a green stool Yeah, keep it up. No keep it up. No keep it up. No keep it up for the interview. Yes. Yes Yes. Yes. Yes. No, I want you to keep it up because I've noticed that you've had a giant amount of dicks behind you lately What's going on with all the penises Timmy? Um, I don't know what's going on with you having the same guess No offense guys honestly no offense. I like you guys, but you got it You want to do panels sometime? Yeah, I do panel. Okay. Oh, there you go. There's breaking news to me No breaks panel debut coming soon Well, I'm sorry the two of the best comedians in the world isn't good enough. It's just that you know I'm trying to make sure That was game. No, I like that. No, you fucking you get your dick shot by trans people you keep that to yourself, Joe You want to be just like Joe getting your dick suck by a guy There's a trans person walking up right behind you right now Timmy Tim You do me a favor and just put this on yeah, just put that on Tim Oh, throw that on Tim my goodness. We need a more exciting guest. You know, I mean I mean come on So who's the only shit in Kevin Hart? Holy fuck. Whoa. How did you pay Kevin that's fucking crazy? Hey say something Kevin? Not you got a sound more urban. He's a black sound more urban sit lower in your chair Hey, Kevin why don't you do that joke that when you say the M word five times? Why don't you do that get just rip that joke Perfect I Don't I've never had anyone do green face on the show before this is very exciting. Oh Shit Timmy. I don't know if you know the theme of the night, but listen people people just imagine Timmy doing jumping jacks on this green screen right now What is jumping jack your fucking boyfriend gay guy? Well, I'm not doing jumping jacks We're gonna add that out Now I was saying that all this is actually very expensive So I got to do a quick ad read for this toothbrush that hasn't come out yet and You're gonna help me tone. You're gonna do the product demonstration and then we're gonna add the toothbrush in afterwards Oh, no, no And then we're gonna add it in It's good. Oh, tone. I need to pay for this. Okay. You don't pay us. I got a fucking pay for this shit Shut the fuck up Tom you got to do this. I need to make the money come on Play play ball here we go introducing I'm not rubbing a dildo up against my teeth Timmy. Don't have to do it. Oh, okay. Well. I was excited about it. Yeah Don't worry about it. Okay. Can everybody cheer on tone for being a team player? I wonder what this could possibly be After the cream a toothbrush tone. I needed something that was green in the same size. That's all I can find. Okay, it's quite the girthy toothbrush Timmy Introducing then to brush at ten inches. It can clean those hard to reach places in the back of your throat. So just Put it in your mouth When you're brushing When you finish brushing just squeeze the spheres at the base of the toothbrush to ejaculate it. So just push the spheres Wait, what? Denta brushes great for travel because it fits perfectly in your ass So shove it up your ass. Okay. All right, right man. Very good. Denta brush. Get your plaque blown out beautiful But it's stuck on there. I can't believe that everybody on the panel. I'm the only one who didn't get to touch that thing Oh, no it landed in droves his ass I'm gonna be honest. This is fucking boring. It's my mouth for like a split second. It did yeah No, I'm instantly thinking about someone pausing it on YouTube and can't oh, yeah, where it was resting on my lip for a second Please be cool about it Timmy, what do you want to tell Dallas, Texas before we get out of here? Give them some parting words here I need to say something told the girl that I was talking about in that minute was your ex-girlfriend. Okay, and She's actually here tonight. Okay, very good That's crazy Guys get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Amazing. No, no, just leave it. Just leave it. Get the fuck out of here I'm gonna bring out your ex-girlfriend. Okay, come on out Here she comes Yeah, look at that. Oh my goodness. Look at that hot bitch Look at that fucking hot bitch. Look at that Look at this sexy motherfucker. Wow. Oh, yeah, look at those tits. Oh, Tom. Does this make you know it? Wow Such a long time Wow, is this making you mad? Yeah, I'm so jealous. I can't believe you brought out my That's crazy. I love you, baby. I miss you pussy so much. Oh my goodness She's happy with me, Tom make sure she doesn't trip over the green screen. That's right behind her left foot No, she's gonna be fine. Right. She's a dancing girl. Yeah. Hey, why don't you say something, babe? I get what? Nope She's squirted everywhere. Okay, that was great. I love you sweetheart. There's a thing right behind you, Martin All right, good job. Amazing watch watch out for the thing help help him over that please for the love of God Timmy no breaks you rewrite the way That killed Tony is evolving every appearance that you have How loud can this place get for the great Timmy no breaks ladies and gentlemen Oh I think you guys got a full show tonight. Did you guys have a good time? How about in the upper deck up there. Do you guys have a good time? How about the lower area? Have a one more time for the great Tim butterly ladies and gentlemen Thank you and one more time for the great show to roast everybody Great, man, I'll be in San Diego, July 9th through the 11th if American comedy company with Pat O'Neill and Rachel Wilson Vegas Los Angeles and New York City all on the way. Those are our only stops other than Austin, Texas Keep an eye on it ladies and gentlemen. We love you God bless Dallas, Texas God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. We love you. Good night everybody [Music] 1/2 tbc sdmdc. 1/2 tbc sdmdc. 1/2 tbc sdmdc. 1/2 tbc sdmdc. 1/2 tbc sdmdc. 1/2 tbc sdmdc. 1/2 tbc sdmdc.