#771 - BRAD WILLIAMS + TIMMY NO BRAKES

hey this is red band and you're listening to the death squad podcast network this episode of kill tony and every episode of kill tony can be found at death squad dot tv apple spotify and anywhere you get podcasts check out tony hinchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony tony hinchcliffe you can also check out shop squad dot tv for death squad merch hats mugs whatever shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get it up for tony who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives huh and that is the best damn band in all the land how about you make some noise for them huh feels good in here tonight you are at the number one live podcast in the world kill tony brought to you this week by netflix everyone the roast of kevin hart is out now on netflix believe it or not isn't that incredible there you go right on cue and uh kill tony mania 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with world-class expertise it's time to turn those what-ifs into with shopify today sign up for your one dollar per month trial today at shopify.com slash kill tony go to shopify.com slash kill tony that shopify.com slash kill tony you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what ladies and gentlemen every single week i booked two of the funniest guests in the world this week no different well one guest this week ladies and gentlemen make some noise for him he has a brand new special out on youtube you know him you know him you know him you know him you know him you know him you love him make some noise for the great brad williams everybody welcome my friend come on in have a seat there his new special live on short street is on youtube.com backslash brad williams comedy welcome brad yeah that's right i'm actually not brad i'm just a new character from adam ray very advanced costume very advanced amazing how does this makeup is incredible how did he squeeze into that thing i love thank you for putting the booster seat on the chair tony i really appreciate that it's amazing we're gonna have so much fun tonight it's been a while since you've been on the show normally i book a second guest but i mean oh oh shit we know what this means normally a big second guest pops up on stage when the lights come back on and i'm like oh my god let's see what happens here all right well wait who's that wait who the fuck is it's timmy no break oh my god he's over there what the hell is he doing over there oh my man of the people a man of the people timmy no breaks making his way from the audience oh my god the iconic one of the biggest one of the biggest comedians in the history of the show is joining us for his first time ever on panel how the fuck are we doing hey nice to meet you young boy that's good i'm timmy what's your name brad brad hell yeah timmy welcome is this your son we do both look like uh reject jeff dunham puppets you need a nap bitch oh my god get this guy a juice box come on that actually sounds delicious right now heidi if you get brad a juice box that'd be great uh timmy no breaks ladies and gentlemen one of the biggest stars in the history of the show biggest and blackest on youtube the new special youtube.com backslash timmy no breaks how exciting is this yeah it was just a matter of time can we turn my microphone up and everybody's else down please is that possible also why is mine red and yours is gold what do you you want to switch yeah okay change my mind um whatever you want timmy you get oh wow you literally don't know how to do this if you talk to me like that i'm gonna hit you with this golden penis i'm gonna strike you bitch whatever timmy wants as you know historically i let him do in this show's history he's the true alpha dog how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land fernando castillo raul valejo carlos sosa or as i call them tres leches with michael gonzalez they make up nachos bel grande this is the great matt mulling on the electric guitar john b's on the keys and this is d madness live in the flesh ladies and gentlemen are you guys fans of the show at all that's d madness everybody i don't know what's going on out there tonight i don't know what's happening but there's also a fucking robot here for some reason i don't know why i think i think the band got paid a certain amount of money or something something neo neo everybody that's important that we say his name there's a robot here okay hi hello neo you know how to wave hello neo very good all right uh brad and timmy you guys know how the show works over 200 plus maybe three feels heavy tonight there is a lot of names in this bucket signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage you know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them and uh and uh cuts them off and then i conduct an interview the entire thing is improvised absolutely anything can happen you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what amazing guys we're gonna get it started with one of our new elite regulars now he is a brand spanking new regular made a regular just last week he was the first ever person upgraded from a golden ticket winner to a regular you've seen him before you know him you love him now writing a brand new minute every single week this is the first time he's ever been on the show waking up that day knowing he was going to be on the show his first time on the show he was going to be on the show he was going to be on the show he was going to be on the show he was going to be on the show his first time he's ever been on the show waking up that day knowing he was going to be on the show his first time he's ever been on the show his first appearance is a regular make some noise for the great first appearance is a regular make some noise for the great pat o'neill everybody folks you ever notice how girls named folks you ever notice how girls named folks you ever notice how girls named america are always mexican america are always mexican america are always mexican uh i think that's enough to fool us uh i think that's enough to fool us uh i think that's enough to fool us nice try we've got problems in this country folks we've got problems in this country folks we've got problems in this country folks how do we stop homelessness we tried how do we stop homelessness we tried how do we stop homelessness we tried fentanyl now what there fentanyl now what there fentanyl now what there there's only so many cigarettes i can there's only so many cigarettes i can there's only so many cigarettes i can release you're not supposed to call them you're not supposed to call them you're not supposed to call them homeless anymore right they prefer the homeless anymore right they prefer the homeless anymore right they prefer the term Toilet protesters or something. It's hard to keep track of. People want to change the name of everything now. A few years ago, we got rid of the Redskins. Again. Second time's a charm. Something I think we need to change the name of is the NAACP. The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. Whoa! What year is it? Should be the National Association for the Advancement of African American People. The N-double-A-double-A-P. Or more easily said, the NA-P. That's better. Okay, thank you. Oh, my God. The man, the myth, Pat O'Neill has arrived. Un-fucking-believable, my friend. You are so damn funny. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. You just are so funny. The America joke, the fentanyl joke, the Redskins joke, and the NAPI joke. All the way through. Batting 1,000. I want to talk to one of my, I mean, absolute biggest superstars to see his thoughts on not only Pat O'Neill's set, but the regular ship that he has risen to. Yeah, you look like Rick and Morty. What the fuck? It was good stuff, Pat. Good stuff. Hang in there, you know? Keep signing up, Pat. Oh, yeah. I forgot there's a show going on. Amazing. Brad, you ever seen anybody quite like Pat O'Neill? I'm really happy you're here, because now I'm not the weirdest fucker on this show. Pat, how's life? How's life going? This is your first week as a regular. How's your life changed so far? I don't know. Went out, hit the town, celebrated with a few Shirley Temples, you know, just living life. I don't know. I love it. It is true. Pat is sober. Meanwhile, he looks like he's on a bit of everything. Absolutely. Residual effects. Yeah. What have you done? Why are you sober? Can we talk about it? Or is it going to trigger you or something? Or was it just, did you do, like, all the Adderall all at once? How do you end up looking like that? Exactly. Well, Adderall, I don't consider a drug. But, yeah, I stopped drinking. Nice. Things weren't going well drinking for Pat. Yeah. So I stopped that, and cocaine closes your nose, and I like to breathe when I sleep. Very good. So. Pussy. Can I just say, I've been looking up to this man for some time now, nearly two months. You're not talking about him, right? No, no, no. Me? That's never happened in my goddamn life. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, my son. This guy's 11 years old. Yeah. What are you fucking talking? This is my make-a-wish. You're going to die, my friend. Pat O'Neill, you're absolutely fantastic. Pat, you look like you have about five of me buried in your basement. Well, I do. Brad, take that again. Take that roast again. Take it again. It just wasn't, it didn't hit me. It didn't hit. So I think if you take it again and you say, that's a punchline afterwards, it might hit harder. Let me just say, the only reason I don't think it hit is because I don't think it's believable that Pat O'Neill has a basement. That's what I, that's the only part I think was missing. If he would have said it is like a vent ducts or something like that. Well, see, yours didn't hit either. So I think you should take it from the top and I think you should maybe act out a basement. Be like, I'm in a, I'm in a basement. I'm giving advice here. I'm creating a session. I think you should take that from the top. Like, do the act out again. Well, you take it in the bottom. You son of a bitch. Pat O'Neill, you got the show jump-started. Thank you so much. The newest regular on Kill Tony, Pat O'Neill, an undeniable force of nature. We're going to keep it moving. This is a, this is an interesting name. Make some noise for your first fucking bowl of the night. You guys know how this works. We meet them all together. Anything can happen. Could be the next superstar. Could be a one and out. Now, crazy person. Anything can happen. It's Darian Terry, everybody. Darian Terry. Uh-oh, let me get this right. Let me get this right. Whoa. I'm not sure if you lived in a world that made you take a test to prove that you were not gay. And all they had to do was accuse you of it in public. And you had to take the test. Salem witch trial style. Kind of like. Hey, bro, I think you're gay. There's no way that I'm gay. I have a wife and kids. No, I think you're gay. And on the down low, all of a sudden, the crowd surrounds the accused. Test, test, test. All of a sudden, you find yourself in gay court in front of an all-gay court judge. You, sir, have been accused of being gay on the down low. How do you plead? Not guilty. I'm a straight man. You, sir, have been found guilty of being gay. And on the down low. And have hereby been sentenced to two years in an all-gay facility. Dirty style. Get the oils. No! Take that, take that, take that. No, no. But you don't really be crazy, though. If you were gay and you couldn't come out on your own accord. Oh, no. Somebody wanted to strip that away from you. They wanted to do you dirty in front of your friends and family. All right. Wow. Okay. Derry and Terry, welcome to the show. Is this your first time on this show? Yeah, yeah, it's my first time. Okay. Uh, wow. Not exactly sure where to begin here. I do. Yeah, Timmy. You're fucking gay, Derry. This guy is talking about gay people the whole time. I'm like, have you looked in a fucking mirror? I love that. Yeah, all right, shut up. I love that. It is absolutely incredible. I don't exactly know how to. I don't know how to upload this information that I'm gathering here. I mean, where are you from? Let's start there. I'm from Kansas, but I live here now. Okay. Yeah. Why do you look like you went to Miami to get dipped in chocolate? Oh, good. I like that one, actually. Yeah, you know what? I love the Miami look. I think it's sexy. I think it's sexy to wear button-ups. And I think this look represents me well. Okay. Timmy. No home opening. Yeah, give it up. Okay, don't step on my punch. Okay, take it. Right? Ready? Mr. T-Cells. Okay. Isn't T-Cells like the gay thing? Yeah. That was fucking great. What's your problem? I just want to know where you shop, because I'm pretty sure your shit would fit me. I love that shit. Hey, TJ Maxx, son. Oh, yeah. Or Ross. No, I know a Baby Gap shirt when I see it. Oh, the Baby Gap? Baby Gap. Terry and Terry, how long you been doing stand-up? This is my first time, yeah. You decided to start on Kill Tony. Fuck it. Why haven't you done an open mic or anything like that to even prepare? Do you think you might just be doing this for vast amounts of attention? Well, I've always wanted to actually go on the show. It was really fucking fun. It looks really fucking fun. So I was just like, "Ooh, and why not start at the top?" I'll tell you why. What if it goes terribly wrong and then you got nothing? What do you do for work? What exactly-- who do you manage on OnlyFans for a living? Oh, no, no, actually, I work in the corporate world. So, yeah, I work for an insurance company. Really? Yeah. Wow. OK, tell us more about your life, Darien. Well, I do a lot of-- I work out a lot. I do a lot of jiu-jitsu. I have a lot of fun, basically. Either I am working out, doing jiu-jitsu. Poppers. Yeah. Training and/or really just hanging out, chilling. Yeah. Instead of one of those things, you could start writing jokes. I could do that, too. Yeah. Yes, yes. Do you ever do any big jiu-jitsu tournaments or showcase that skill that you actually practice and work on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do multiple of those. Yeah. I'm a multiple-time world champion in jiu-jitsu. Oh, my God. OK. There you go. That's interesting. Tell me that before I fuck with you. Jesus Christ. I'm sitting closest to him. Yeah. I'm going to get my head into the audience right now. Let me see it. That's not exactly how jiu-jitsu works, Timmy. Yeah, you will know, gay guy. Again, it doesn't make you gay knowing jiu-jitsu. Yeah, it does. Look at your fucking peer right here. What are you talking about? You're going to roll around on a mat and you're going to take it in the ass. I love this guy. Timmy. Funny. I'm going to go get my ass kicked. What would you do to Timmy if you made you mad? What would your first move be? Next question. Get in. Get in choke. All right. Perfect. Darien, have you ever had to use your world championship knowledge of jiu-jitsu out there on the streets? Has anybody fucked with you? Is this what you're doing with the hair and the shirt and everything? Are you baiting people into calling you gay and being like, "What the fuck did you say? Get over here." No, I've never actually had to fight somebody in the mean streets of Austin, so that's a good thing. That's a good thing. I don't think they would want to do that, but at the same time, people do. stupid shit so right in these world championships you've won them on an elite level or is this like some kind of tournament you threw together in the backyard no no no yeah i'd be jgf worlds um yeah so um i'm i'm a world champion in purple belt uh brown belt and i just got my black belt in december my jujitsu people are telling me that that is legit yeah yeah yeah amazing what else would we find interesting about you darian do you know how to swim oh fuck no you don't so the enemy that could beat you is that in which is the most present element on the planet well that's the funny part about that shit man i really do live up to that black steel time i cannot fucking swim to save my life johnny no tsunami yes have you ever almost uh gotten uh gotten in trouble do you like go into the water up to your waist or something like that well i'm okay so crazy like in college we used to do this thing i wrestled in college but they would go we go to the ymca my coach was like all right guys we're gonna go and do swimming workouts we're gonna do something real and i'm like why we already wrestle like fucking girl man that's real but we go there and then like we jump in the pool and he was like trying to have us do laps i cannot do one fucking lap he's like having us do laps at a deep end i break out i go over to the lady and i was like hey let's do a deep end and he was like let's do a deep end and i was like hey let me get the floaties i came back with fucking floaties on yeah and he's just like you didn't take those off it's like no i'm not so i just keep i just do the workout with fucking floaties but it was cool though let me ask you this other than not being able to swim what else do you think is the blackest thing about you damn uh my dick no um let me see uh i think i think i know um i'm really into hip-hop we'll say that yeah you could tell exactly how you said the words hip-hop from the streets no i just grew up with it in my life so yeah in kansas up and up on the the main streets of kansas yes right yeah yeah well it goes down to kansas city area if you didn't know so yeah yeah it's not nine huh tech nine right am i right all right yeah yeah yeah all right perfect here's a little joke book oh little joke book for a big man little joke book for a big man sometimes i accidentally sound like the president oh my god i'll tell you what's not gay that right there i do not want that shit um do you want to give me something that isn't tony's water okay that's not true that's not a thing no one talks about that that's not a thing uh never mind what do you want do you want something to drink timmy uh can i just get like a sparkling water and some garlic bread sparkling water and garlic bread for timmy please there you go sparkling water what a little diva not gay at all sparkling water is this how the entire episode you hit yourself in the face of the microphone are you calling me are you actually calling me i'm calling you gay you're calling me i think you're timmy fucking all cakes i think you fucking saw heidi did you know that according to cnbc nearly half of hiring managers say a candidate's enthusiasm is the most important factor when they're considering somebody for a role when you think about it it makes sense hiring can be seriously tough if you need to hire for your business how can you separate the candidates who are really excited about your opportunity from the ones that are just meh zipper critter zipper critters new features uh quickly lets you see the most interested qualified candidates first so you can meet the right people fast and now you can try it for yourself for free at zippercooter.com slash kill tony plus their smart matching technology connects you to qualified candidates instantly the candidates can even tell you in your own words why they're interested in the job basically this all means no more wasted time digging through resumes and more time meeting the right people with zipper critters new feature the top candidates are right at the top of the list it's no wonder zipper critter is the number one hiring site based on gtc to use zipper critter and find enthusiastic talents fast four out of five employers who post on zipper critter get a quality candidate within the first day and now you can try it for free at zippercooter.com slash kill tony that's zippercooter.com slash kill tony meet your match on zipper critter your next bucket full ladies and gentlemen goes by the name this should be interesting of dj chaotic everybody let's see what happens here dj chaotic yeah uh i'm gonna start this off with a confession um i am bald it's true i've been hat fishing women professionally now for a very long time and the key to doing it right is to make sure the hat does not come off until the clothes come off because by that time she's committed it's too late gotcha bitch got your ass didn't know i was ugly did you recently i've been told that with my hat on i look like an ice target and with my hat off i look like an ice employee i can't help that i have a resting ice face and that's my time i thought that was a minute i thought i planned that all right 15 seconds left 15 seconds all right um yeah all right okay so you're out of material um that's everything else is story type shit okay there you go perfect some people say that's my time when it's their time i was wondering if you had anything else but you just that was all the time that you had i've rehearsed this so many times and i swear to god it was a full minute but uh have you have you done stand-up before yeah okay yeah how often how long uh three years okay yeah perfect it seems like hey carlos how does it feel to meet your son dj chaotic where have you been doing it for three years uh here in austin okay what do you do for a living uh dj you're a dj yeah yeah are you better at djing or stand-up djing for how long have you been a dj uh 13 years okay that makes sense what makes you want to do stand-up um honestly uh i help uh manage a place called the green room in north austin and uh starting that up um we started doing comedy shows so i got into it like that are you sometimes funny when you're djing like are you doing things like you know yeah i mean i do a lot of weddings and private events so i slide in some humor whenever it's appropriate oh jesus christ slippery cigarette thank you very much sir almost like that kind of sometimes lit the house on fire there so slippery little cigarette uh timmy no breaks you do private gigs sometimes weddings all the time bar mitzvahs weddings uh i did a brisk and stuff um the kid lost his dick but yeah what um you know uh what made you you know perfect uh so dj chaotic what's the craziest thing that you play like edm i'm guessing uh no i do open format man i've been in texas for a long time so country latin hip-hop those are like the main genres you know so you play for whatever audience is in front of you yeah yeah so if there was a bunch of black people in here right now what would you play set it off little boosie off the jump that's what i'm going with okay yeah let's check in with john d's here what do you think about set it off little baby see i don't know that i don't know that song no good no good is that what you're saying no i don't know that song uh you don't know set it off little boosie a white guy talking to a black guy like i mean that's some stuff though all right you thought that was up yeah and i i love black how about if this was a rave an edm crowd what would you play first song you play gotta get it edm's not really my my genre uh yeah not a boo is this it's not okay let's say it was a country bar what song are you playing uh zach top never lie that's uh oh michael gonzalez confirms that okay yeah yeah all right dj kaonic well i mean i kind of really didn't leave that much of an imprint here tonight i gotta be all right well you know i'm from the cayman islands i moved here 15 years ago to uh be a rapper that never worked out um you tried rapping yeah i i did it for a little while do reggae rap like you guys want to can we hear a verse do it you guys want to hear some bad rap yeah well hold up hold up wait i mean yeah wait it said iraq can i do some reggae oh better yet i love it white guy reggae i love all kinds of gay especially reggae so let's do it and beat you do it on that one that was right there that's timmy's that's timmy's alley right there i do what i do wait give him a little go do you what kind of reggae beat do you want to have michael yeah there you go i'll ride with it just there you go he'll ride with it yeah there you go i'll ride with it all the way from the cayman islands yeah yeah yeah yeah dj chaotic everybody yeah yeah pull up in my ride she quick to get inside she ♪ We duck down and she hide, then we skirt off and we slide ♪ ♪ She wet like eye-tide, every time our lips collide ♪ ♪ She want me up inside, 'cause good lovin' I provide ♪ ♪ She give a one-bun, 'cause we never have fun ♪ ♪ She say without a toy, she can't even cum ♪ ♪ But then she fuck this rude boy, give her pussy real joy ♪ ♪ Dealing with the real McCoy, bye soldier, get deployed ♪ ♪ Stacking at her tension, relieving all her tension ♪ ♪ No feelings get mentioned, 'cause that's an apprehension ♪ ♪ We can't do that, oh, we can't do that ♪ ♪ We can't do that, oh, we can't do that ♪ - All right, all right, all right. Brad's fat ass is hypnotizing me. - Yeah, he needs you, that makes him weak. - You guys are pedophiles, so. - Brad's a grown man, he's not a kid. I think you're confused, Timmy. - 42. - Yeah, 42? - Yeah, fuckin' right. - He is, he's 42 inches high. - Hey, here's a little joke book. There you go, my friend, we're gonna keep it movin' along. The show's crazy so far. Couple people that really fuckin' suck, and obviously anything can happen outta this bucket. But it's set it up good, now you know it's real. Now you know the show is real. When you get that feeling of, holy shit, I think I can do this, that's how you know you're a Kill Tony. Make some noise for your next bucketful, it's Chris Caruso, everybody, here we go. - I know what you guys were thinkin'. I didn't know getting older meant I was gonna look like Alex Jones. That ever happen to anybody? And not even like the cool, like, "Makin' the frogs gay, Alex Jones," like the sad, divorced dad Alex Jones. And I've got the documents to prove it, folks, okay? I've got 'em. I like conspiracies. I was watchin' Clinton testify in front of Congress the other day, and he just had a shit-eatin' grin on his face the whole time. And they were like, "Mr. President, "do you remember where you were "when those pictures were taken? "I know it's been a long time, but try to remember." And he's like, "Oh, no. "I remember exactly where I was "when those pictures were taken." And it's just him, and, like, I've seen him matching polo shirts, you know? And there was a, you guys hear about the, there was supposed to be, between Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, an affair. Yeah, Clinton will be in there like, "I did not have sexual relations with Donald Trump." But I think Trump, if he did it, he would've been in there the next day in a press conference like, "Nobody sucked Bill Clinton's dick "better than Donald Trump, folks. "Nobody did it. "Nobody could do it." - All right, that's Chris Caruso, everybody. - Hey, Carlos, how's it feel to meet your dad? - - Oh. - Oh. - Oh. - Ah, Chris Caruso, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? - Yes, it is. - Welcome, how long you been doing stand-up? - About two and a half years. - Where at? - Dayton, Ohio. - Hey, we know Dayton, that's a rough city. - Living room. - You still live there? - Yep. - What do you do for a living in Dayton? - I sell security systems for a living. - Oh, you must be, business is booming, huh? - Oh yeah, they love it. Number one for metal theft in the country. - Yeah, like copper, is that what? - Oh yeah. - Wow, and they're stealing it out of like old houses or something? - Anywhere they can get it, Tony. - Wow, amazing. And so tell us more about your life, Chris. Just the normal, everyday thing. You have a family or anything? - Yeah, I have a son. - Nice, how old's your son? - 11 years old. - You still with the baby mama? - Nope, of course not. - What happened there? How long was she around for? - A couple years. - And then you guys just went your separate ways. - Yeah. - You stopped banging her. - That's it. - That's it. You didn't want her around anymore. Is that how it ended or did she cheat on you or what? - No, it was just mutual. We just grew apart as people, it happens. - Damn, that's sad. Somehow that's the saddest way. I always like it, like yeah, I caught her cheating on me with a giant black guy or something like that, like a black belt, like a world champion jiu-jitsu black guy with blonde hair or something like that. But it's just really, the saddest possible thing nowadays is them just growing apart naturally. Brad. - That won't happen with my wife 'cause I can't grow anymore. - That's true, that is true. There is no growing apart. - You have a wife? - Yeah. - Oh my God. - I didn't know. - I didn't know they married that young. Tom, can I ask you a question? - Absolutely, Timmy. - Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? - It's the motorboat, man, I go for that. - Very good question. Do you motorboat only the tits or are you a asshole motorboater? - Yeah. - You eat ass? - No, no. - No, you refuse. Have you ever tried it? - No, it's not for me, man, I don't think. - Do it, just try it once or twice. - Thanks, Red Band. - You want a motorboat, Red Band's tits? - No, I'm gonna pass on that respectfully. - You've never tried, you've never tongued an ass once? - No. - But you've eaten-- - Is it an accident? - No, you know, that's kind of a weird accident, but yeah. - Brad, I got a question. How'd you accidentally tongue somebody's asshole? - It was eye level. - That's pretty good, that's pretty good. - Yeah. - That deserves a bigger one. - That deserves a bigger fuckin' pop. - He was waiting. - Midget newspaper boy deserves a fuckin' bigger fuckin' pop. - That is, that is a good one. But you have eaten pussy before, am I correct? Do you enjoy that? - I don't think anybody really enjoys it, but you know. - Whoa, Chris Caruso. - You're making Dayton, Ohio seem worse. - This is a very pussy-eating crowd you're in front of tonight. This crowd loves eating pussy, this guy said, shaking his head no. Oh, he's, yeah, he's disappointed in you. He corrected it, he was going, "I can't believe it." And then he gave me a thumbs up just to make sure that I know that he's into eating pussy as well. Everybody here is into eating pussy. Can you describe to us exactly what it is that you don't like about eating pussy? - The texture. - The texture of the pussy. This guy, this guy over here, you know you're not supposed to actually eat it, right? Like, it's not like oysters or something. You're not supposed to-- You're not supposed to swallow it down. You're supposed to, like, lick it and find a pace and a rhythm and, like, smooch it or something. Seal your lips around it and kind of do a slight sucking in and out motion. - Dude, his ex must be disgusting. - Yeah, I think so. That's why it only lasted a few years, right? Have you been with other women since? - Yeah. - Yeah. Are you currently dating anyone? - No, I'm not. - Are you on any of the dating apps or anything like that? - Not for me. - So when's the last date that you went on? When's the last person? You just meet people, like, at a department store or a bar? - Yeah, gas stations is where I like to-- - Oh, okay. All right. I'm starting to see why you don't like eating pussy or ass, Chris. That gas station pussy can be very tricky. You know what I mean? - That's my best bud. - Very, that is-- We are best friends. Chris, I love it. Are you sponsored by Adidas by any chance? - Yes. - They dropped Kanye and they picked up Chris Caruso, security specialist out of Dayton, Ohio. Adidas is in absolute shambles right now. They're currently losing money. Their stock is sinking right now from a non-pussy eating man wearing nothing but Adidas. Nike is skyrocketing as we speak. Nike, the brand of pussy eaters all around the world. When you see a pussy, remember, just do it. - Wow. All right, Chris, I gotta tell you, we're running out of little joke books fast tonight. This is a rough one. Thank you, Chris Caruso. Come back, sign up again. Do it again sometime. These people, anything can happen. Oh my goodness. Oh my God, there's actual garlic bread, ladies and gentlemen, and a fucking juice box, everybody. You can't make it up. I swear to God, this show is improvised. Meanwhile, Heidi finds a way. How about a hand for Heidi? - Thank you. - Heidi, everybody, go to her website, HeidiRegina.com. Bunch of great stuff over there. - There's a little boy to get off of you. - Everybody is thrilled. I hope camera two is picking this up. This is "Kill Tony." It's like a great, it's just a great moment. That is adorable. - What is that jukebox? - I don't know how Heidi does this. It doesn't make any sense. Like you would think this is all produced. - Oh my God. - That jukebox, that juice box is blippy, by the way. That's a blippy juice box. - Okay, wait, all right. Okay, let's just, let's take it easy here. Let's not throw things at the audience. Just a reminder that lawsuits go to JoeRogan.com, not Tony Hinchcliffe. All right, here we go. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eric Spicely, everyone. Here we go. Anything can happen. Eric Spicely, everybody. - I'm gonna go with the last one. right? Cops are nice to me. They don't even know what race I am. These ears are from jiu-jitsu. You guys know what that is? Some people think it makes you look tough. Some people think jiu-jitsu is a bit, como se dice, homoerotic, right? I've been doing it half my life, guys. I've been a black belt for years. I can honestly say, "Pretty gay." Fuck you. You just won a golden ticket here on Kel Con. I don't know what the fuck's going on, but. You're good. You're good, buddy. You did not win a golden ticket. He's joking. He's joking. Eric, welcome to the show. How are you? I'm good. How are you? You are a scary-looking fellow. Thanks, man. Without a doubt, you look like jiu-jitsu. You look like the guy, jiu-jitsu. Yeah, yeah. I've been doing it for a while. Holy shit. And you really are a black belt, right? Yeah, yeah. Did you know the black guy with blonde hair that was here earlier? I did not know the black. World champion? You ever hear of a guy named Darien Terry? Oh, shit. Oh, you just noticed. Oh, a midget. Yeah, my bad. Holy shit, dude. I was like, "Oh, my God." Are you. Are you in town on Thursday? I'm sorry? I am, yeah. I just moved here. Do you want to do a secret show? This episode is chaos. How's the robot doing over here? How are we feeling? Yeah! Rock and roll. It's actually Aaron Belial, everybody. He's in there. He's in there right now. You just put a little cloth over his face. Eric, so where are you from again? What did you say? So, I'm from New York City, but I've been living in Canada for like 10 years. Why have you been living in Canada for 10 years? Why in the world did you choose Montreal, Canada? So, I used to fight in the UFC. Yeah. And I got signed, and then I moved there to try star, like GSP and shit. Yeah, yeah. GSP's the man. That's awesome. Are you still doing it? I don't fight anymore. No, I just coach and train and stuff. Perfect. Perfect. Amazing. So, the fights in the UFC, what was that like? How did that go? Explain to people. Most of us just picture it. We dream about it, but none of us, like, look at this fucking fat Italian guy in this. Like, I mean, we watch, we imagine, like, that would be my walk. I'd come out to Phil Collins in the air tonight. Yeah, I would do that, too. Tell us what it's really like. Training's exhausting, and then what's that like? It fucking sucks, dude. Yeah. It fucking, you gotta fight black dudes and shit. Yeah. Fuck. I'm mushing Russian Muslims and shit. It's crazy, man. Yeah. They're low. The Russians just take you down, and now it fucking hurts, and they're throwing elbows and stuff. So, how many fights in the UFC did you have? I think I had eight, but the CT is a little, I don't really remember. Right. Absolutely. That's a rough one. Now, what was your main song that you came out to? Good question. I used to come out to Train in Vain by The Clash. Oh, okay. Yeah. I like to have, like, a weird gay song, so I don't look tough. New York City, right? They're from New York, right? I don't know. Am I right about that? Okay, maybe not. They have a song about New York. I think. Okay. Eric Spicely. So, eight fights. What if you had to guess what your record is? I was, I think, two and five, so I'm gonna have seven fights. Yeah, it's very hard. It's a tough one. A lot of people don't know Kel Tony's Ari Matty. Oh, and three. Not in the UFC. Didn't make it to the UFC, but in the lesser leagues, all-time. Oh, and three. Can I ask a follow-up? Yeah, go right ahead. How much time do you have? I've got about, like, 15 minutes. 15 minutes? I feel solid about it. I'm gonna be doing the San Jack open mic in a couple days. You wanna do three on that? Yeah, sounds great, buddy. Fuck yeah. Okay, there you go. You just got booked on an open mic with Timmy No Breaks. Eric, so tell us more about your normal life. I mean, you seem like you would be good with the ladies, right? They probably are into some scary orangutan-looking man. It's mostly dudes, honestly, bro. It's mostly, yeah. Girls will approach me, but so their boyfriends can fucking hit on me and shit. It's, yeah, mostly dudes. Everybody in town has just been like, what's up, bro? Fucking head nod. I'm like, all right, man. Right. That's me. I'm the gay one, according to Timmy. Or it's, like, chicks that want to get, like, fucked up. Like? Like, they're like, yo, I want you to punch me in the fucking. Oh, wow. I like this guy. I like this guy. Eric, what else about your life? I don't know. I don't know. What else about your life would we find surprising? Any other fun facts about Eric Spicely? I used to do pro wrestling. Oh, wow. Yeah, I made it to WWE. How long was too small? How long were you there for? No, I just got a tryout. I didn't make it. They told me I was too small. Basically, they told me to get on steroids. They had a wrestler named Hornswoggle that was a dwarf, so I think it's just because you sucked. Is that fucking you, dude? Holy shit, dude. It's Hornswoggle. We all look alike. Honestly, I'm not going to lie. Is there any truth to the fact that training for the WWE is harder than training for the UFC? I thought it was much harder, for sure. Yeah, a lot of puking and stuff, right? No, I didn't really puke. I mean, I'm doing a lot of cardio and stuff. It's just a lot to remember. Getting punched in the face is like you're on autopilot, so you just train and then you do it, but this is like choreography and fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, Eric, how long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. Okay, perfect. Well, you're going. You're a talent. I can't tell if you're fucking with Miro. No, I like your shit. I like your face. Well, your face is fucked up, but like, you know? I like the woman being stuff. Maybe say f***ing retard a little bit more and you'll be good. You'll be good. You'll kill it in Austin. I'm serious. Keep writing, Eric. It's a little joke book for you this time, but who knows what can happen next time. There he goes. Much like Eric's record with bucket pulls, we're 0 and 4 tonight. There's some napkins for you. He's got one garlic knot left. He's truly committed to this bit. He's literally eating garlic knots, everybody. Makes noise for your next bucket pull, everyone. It's Luis Cervantes, everybody. Hell yeah. I have a problem with talking to girls. I'm not really good at talking to girls. I'm not really good at flirting. Like, for instance, this morning I was leaving the gym and I saw this really hot girl walking towards me. I was like, I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to do it. So I held the door for her and she walked by. She goes, thank you so much and looks down at my feet. She goes, I really like your shoes. And verbatim, what I said back was, mm-hmm, I bought them. She's going to be single forever. My last girlfriend wasn't really my type. Like, she used to put me in hypothetical situations. Like, one time we were watching 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and she goes, you like this movie? And I go, yeah. She goes, well, let me ask you something. If I lost my memory, would you stick around and tell me or would you leave like an asshole? And that's how she said it. So I knew what she wanted to hear. I was like, no, I'd stick around. I'd remind you of all the cool things we used to do, you know? And at the end of every night, I'd remind you how much you begged for it. I'd remind you how much you begged for it. And I'd remind you how much you begged for anal. Luis Cervantes, everybody. Carlos, how big is your fucking family? This is incredible what's happening here tonight. I like those guys. There's a lot of the same guy. You do jujitsu at all, Luis? No. Perfect. No. And I honestly, man, like, I've only been in Austin for a year. And when I got here, I realized this was, like, the style. I've been doing this since I was 11. So it kind of pissed me the fuck off. I don't like it. You started shaving your head at 11? At 11 years old, yeah. That's incredible. What made you do it all the way back then? My cousin did it. He actually came home from the Navy Thanksgiving one night and surprised everybody. And at the time, I had long, luscious, curly, beautiful hair. And he took me to the garage and shaved it off because he's a dickhead. I don't know. Mexicans love landscaping. Yeah. That's right. Luis, what do you do for work? I'm an AV at the Moody Center. Oh, nice. Yeah. Fuck yeah. The arena? The arena, yeah. Nice. Absolutely amazing. For those of you wondering what that question was, here in Austin, for some reason, there's, like, 15 different moody things. There it is. It's crazy. Yeah, I just work at the arena, though. That's awesome. That's fucking fantastic. How long have you been doing that? Not that long. At the beginning of the year, I think since the beginning of January, middle of January. What are some of your favorite shows that you've done so far? Oh, man. I just did George Strait. Nice. Yeah, he was here this weekend. George Strait was pretty fun. Yeah. He did the round, so he just had the stage in the middle and packed the fucking place out. It was cool. That's awesome. Fun gig. It is. I mean, if you're doing AV in Austin, that's the place to be doing it. Yeah, I didn't realize. I mean, I heard Austin was music city, but it's, like, every fucking door on the street. It's crazy. It's very special. Yeah. And people get it confused. Nashville often gets that credit, but that's really only. Literally, basically only country music, whereas here it's all different kinds of music. Yeah, all the genres. Yep. So, Lewis, are you from Austin? No, I'm from the Bay Area. area california okay how long have you been here how long have you been here uh since uh march last year okay so you got that job at the moody center pretty fast yeah i mean i would have liked to have had it before i moved here but yeah you know great what was that like that beginning period before you had that job uh just a lot of kind of figuring out austin figuring out what i want to do and uh figuring out the comedy scene just kind of doing side hustle stuff some door dashing of course just to stay what are some things that surprise you about austin that are different than the bay area other than less gay men shitting on the sidewalk a lot less a lot less gay men uh still people shitting on the sidewalk uh that's something i'm trying to get used to is the homeless you're a little more aggressive than back home why don't you use a toilet uh gay guy um i got it's me every time you had really good delivery i want to thank you yeah i i it was so good i thought it was dijonos all right i'm smart so every time i say dijonos i get a hundred dollars so i might say it a couple more times but really it was a good delivery i liked it thanks timmy yeah no problem man yeah also it looks like you have a dickhead yeah thank you yeah lewis tell us something about your life that would surprise us it's true i do look like a dickhead it's he's not lying um a lot of people don't know that uh i'm 80 or i have 80 hearing in my right ear and 60 in my left from a skydiving accident oh what was the accident i went up congested and jumped from 18 000 feet congested and it blew out both my eardrums oh that's really lame i thought it was gonna be like i fucking hit another guy in midair change that story man you're on kill tongue come on you're just being honest your stereo must be annoying though for like movies and shit like that right you're you're you're never mind more importantly the job that you do for a living at the arena that must be hard yeah it i mean you you going into it with fucking bad hearing is like finding out that your uber driver is d madness right like you're like you're like really getting away with murder over there oh you know i guess that just shows how good i am at my job absolutely i couldn't agree more lewis what's your love life like non-existent why hero why is that i don't know uh i don't know probably because i look like a dickhead i don't know last date that you went on what was that like uh we went and got something to eat and talked most of the time uh couldn't get a kiss or a hand hold or nothing no hug yeah wow yeah no handhold mike yeah i would not be so hot on your shelf you know brad has a wife there's hope there's hope for you thanks brad you can do it too and you have jokes and you have punch lines it was so nice to hear fucking real punch lines from a comedian tonight so yeah it was so stuffed full of punch lines i thought it was like you know stuffed crust with de jornos yeah wow another hundred bucks lewis here you go here's a big joke book we're gonna keep it moving along there he goes everybody all right another bucket pool we're flying through them tonight make some noise for your next comedian everybody it's michael k here comes michael k everyone here we go the band's playing music band's playing music so uh i was thinking a lot about addiction recently uh you know a lot of people addicted to alcohol they'll they won't admit that they have a problem with it no i'm not i'm not an alcoholic but uh i am a shopaholic it's where i spend just way too much money at the liquor store and get drunk all the time uh no i used to i used to do a lot of drugs actually let's hear for drugs yeah i uh i used to use this thing called the silk road you guys know what that is yeah all right nice it was if you don't know it was a dark net marketplace where you could get anything you wanted shipped discreetly to your house using cryptocurrency right to keep it pseudo anonymous and since they cut out the middleman like the prices were so low and the quality was super high you could get a gram of the most beautiful uncut cocaine straight out of bitcoin i don't know if you guys are up to date with the current price of uh bitcoin uh this was 15 years ago uh let me put it this way have you ever partied so hard that you snorted a lamborghini because i snorted four lamborghini dealerships uh the top four in north america there you go michael k very interesting is that true like is that real stuff that's unfortunate really very true yeah yeah wow so that was back then huh yeah i was very early in the space was it only cocaine that you would buy off of that i haven't done it since then because it was so good i couldn't be able to do it again really it's just so nice wow amazing stuff did so it was just cocaine that you did buy off of there out of curiosity i don't really understand the entire yeah and i had it i actually am really stupid so i had it shipped to me where i live which is in japan actually did you save any bitcoins oh yeah no so i i have like a whole bitcoin saga after that just because can you tell us about it uh yeah it's really long but uh so i used i used to work for this exchange that was called mount gox it was the it had 90 of the world's exchange you guys know mount gox oh fuck so i was the guy who put out all the shitty press releases telling you why you couldn't have your money um yeah so the sorry about that uh i the guy the guy who was running it he lost 600 000 bitcoin yeah wow yeah and that's like yeah tens of millions of dollars no billions oh shit billions yeah i have no idea i don't know anything about that so uh so i got subpoenaed by the southern district of new york uh for the uh pre-barara wow that was fun amazing yeah so it's made you rich and then it caused a lot of trouble i i did all right it happened it happened uh i got subpoenaed the day my first child was born so it was a perfect no it was a perfect away message like sorry my daughter's born i can't respond to your subpoena wow yeah wow i didn't respond to the subpoena how many kids do you have now three you still with the baby mama no not for the first two but uh for the third one yeah okay so you have a new baby mama uh yeah yeah right i don't call her that so the third kid that the third kid is with your wife uh yeah with my partner yeah back in tokyo oh okay she's japanese yeah she's very nice is she 18 or how old is she yeah red band wants to know yeah um see where'd you meet her at like a sushi restaurant or something we were working together what do you do in japan uh well i'm i'm producing comedy shows actually we're on tour we're with kansai actually kansai yesuda yeah yeah so kansai is on our tour we're doing he was supposed to be here but we couldn't get him his visa in time so he's stuck in canada yeah our residence a little tough on that right now yeah don't talk about him like that tone don't do that it's okay it's okay he likes it so you're you're doing america you're doing english speaking comedy shows in tokyo yeah yeah but japanese shows also but wow you can speak japanese fluently i speak i do all right i've been there like 22 years oh amazing can we hear some jokes in japanese yeah can we just i don't know any japanese jokes actually can you just say no i i wouldn't i wouldn't i'm not even gonna embarrass myself can you just yell out like godzilla in japanese there we go oh that was authentic that was very authentic yeah i'm a regular kansai yesuda yeah this guy rocks yeah so we're doing a u.s tour now and with everybody all around for next month with japanese comedians say more japanese stuff just a little bit more can you just say a sentence in japanese anything at all you've been there 22 years it doesn't have to be a joke it can be anything it's stupid actually oh okay go ahead yeah yeah i'm taking over for a sec uh take it over after i ask the question you go ahead that makes sense i'm i'm i have the gold microphone so uh that's sick um so here's what i want you to do i want because you're gonna kill if you do this i think it's an experiment okay i'm an advanced comedian i've been doing it many months and so two months so i want you to do you know english words but with a japanese accent ah that i excel at okay let's hear it yeah what do you want to hear i don't give a fuck all right well really anybody can do this but the key the key with japanese it's not just my my name is michael but uh i am not not japanese i am american okay uh add audience laughter and post for that all right uh how about an actual sentence in japanese why did you make just really anything you've been there 22 fucking years you must say something simple yeah the easiest thing to just say is uh what does that mean uh just like a beer okay that's helpful for you anywhere okay so i i think i know about you uh kim congan uh recently went there and i've that's i've always wanted to go there so bad uh is the great question is the audience mostly like military or no no no no we have a lot of like tourists now but uh there's a pretty solid like local contingent it's packed like every night of the week we do like three two three shows a week night. So your other two kids are Japanese as well? Yeah. So you have three Japanese kids? Three, yeah, half Japanese. They very smart? How old's the oldest one? Twelve. Twelve. So is it smarter than you yet? Oh, yeah, she's definitely smarter than me. I'm not the smartest. Wow. Is she bigger than Brad? Well, he's sitting down. I can't really tell, but maybe. His feet are not touching the floor. He's literally the same height, whether he's sitting or standing. That's my boy. That's my fucking boy. He stood up and literally I floated. He almost accidentally ate your ass. Michael, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations. Welcome to Kill Tony. The first. Oh, well. Give away a big one. Oh. Red Band wants his name. Very interesting. I gotta take a shit. Okay. There you go. Timmy's going to take a shit. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. Very rough handwriting here, so I'm just gonna basically guess. Make some noise for Daisuke. Or Daisuke. Okay. Wow. That makes sense. Wow. So, I was a comedian in Japan for 23 years. Yeah, I was super successful in Japan. Yeah, but I gave up my entire career, everything, everything, to take me up, to take me in here, right? Yeah, sometimes my American friend called me Kamikaze. Yeah, I'm a Kamikaze, yeah. Do you know Kamikaze? During World War II, Kamikaze pilot flew with just enough fuel for one-way trip, just one-way trip, and they crashed into American warships, right? Yeah, I'm a Kamikaze. But to be honest, America is so expensive for me. So, every three months, I go back to Japan to make money. I'm a Kamikaze who goes back to Japan four times a year. I'm a Kamikaze with frequent flying miles. I'm a Kamikaze. I'm a Kamikaze who can check, who can check one extra bag for free. Yeah, I'm a Kamikaze who can use the lounge for free. Yeah, I'm a Kamikaze who can, who goes back to Japan too much that my English never improves. Thank you. Wow. That's the time. Everything that we wanted from the last comedian, all it wanted was, you know, I'm a Kamikaze. All at once. That was so great. Absolutely incredible. I'm guessing that you know the last guy, right? You came here with Michael Kay? Yeah, I know him. You're part of the tour or whatever, or is it just a complete coincidence? Oh, oh, sorry. I can't understand. Hold on, hold on. Bring Michael Kay back out here. Go grab Michael Kay. Finally, we found a good purpose for Michael Kay, everybody. We're going to use him as a translator to talk to the actual funny comedian. Come on. That we found out of the pocket. He's my friend. This is incredible. Michael Kay, come on up here. Help me, help me. Michael, is this guy on the tour that you brought from? Yeah. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Kino, can you get that? There we go. Yeah, he's on the tour. Amazing. Big guy. This guy's fucking hilarious. Dude, Daisuke is huge in Japan. Amazing. He's the man. How do you say his name? Daisuke. Daisuke. Oh, my goodness. Amazing Daisuke. Yeah, he's a killer. Welcome-a, welcome-a. Okay. Ohio. I'm from Ohio. Ohio, okay. Oh, you're from. Oh, okay. It means good morning. Okay. Okay. Okay. Daisuke, so we're going to kind of use you as a translator because he's got the one-minute set. He's definitely a kamikaze, but I'm going to ask him some questions here. Daisuke, what do you love about America? America? What do you like? Oh, comedy. Comedy. Oh, look who knows how to speak fucking Japanese. Yeah. He's like, I don't know how to do comedy. I don't know how to do comedy. of Japanese cuisine. Speak of fluency Japanese. You like nigiri? Yeah, you know nigiri. Yeah, nigiri. I like shrimp. I use shrimp. Why'd you look at his penis? You are what you eat. Do you have any Japanese or American comedians that you looked up to or that got you into comedy? Great question, Red Band. The rare, unbelievably great question. Which one did you like? Who was your favorite Japanese comedian? Yeah, so you know Japanese comedians? Yeah. But Japanese comedians, you know, downtown, you know, so very famous comedians. But America is so different. So, five years ago, I watched on YouTube, you know, George, George Carlin. Ah, George Carlin. George Carlin! Who is comedian? And then I decided to come to America. Yeah, because of George Carlin. I love that. That's a great answer from a great question. I'm going to hand for Red Band and Dice Gay. Let me ask you this, Michael, because I'm curious. How many of these kamikazes did you bring with you to kill Tony today? Including Kansai, it'd be five. Okay, very good. I love it. There might be more selected later, but I'm very glad to meet you, Dice Gay. Is there any females in the group? Yes, Yurie. Really? There is? I love Yurie. Um, Dice Gay, I'm going to give you a big Kill Tony joke, but I want to make it a good one here. There you go, my friend. Boom. How about a hand for the Kill Tony debut of the Oksagi! Thank you. Thank you. Hell yeah. Are you here on Thursday? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you invite him to the. It's Moon Tower week. So what the fuck does that mean? That Moon Tower owns the. Oh my God, you sold out to that. No, no, no. I just picked people like Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Got it. Oh, got it, got it, got it. It's very exciting for the show. It's amazing you can't give this guy fucking five minutes, but okay. Yep, go ahead. So, from tomorrow, we will start our tour around the world, around America. Please, Instagram, check me, Dice Gay Muramoto. And just to make sure, your Instagram is. Monsters Tokyo. Instagram is D-A-I-S-U-K-E. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, no, no, no. M-U-R-A. Muramoto Dice Gay. Okay. Okay, see you one day. Dice Gay, I like your style, buddy. Oh, yeah, there it is. Muramoto Dice Gay 1125. If anyone's looking for the Wi-Fi password, it's on the back of the router. All lowercase letters. Good fucking luck. That's the first time someone's sold negative tickets from a promotion on this show. Comedian Dice Gay. Brad, what sort of comedians do you look up to? All right. Every single fucking one of them. All right. Let's keep it moving here, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool. This looks like a real American name, everybody. Make some noise for Remington Blake Windsor, everyone. Oh, my goodness. How the hell are y'all doing? All right, that's enough crowd work. I want to preface this first joke by saying that I do not condone police brutality. I think it is not cool. However, if you think about it, where would rap music be if cops were always nice to black people? You know, there'd be no Tupac, no Biggie, no Ice Cube. No Ice Cube. Do you want to live in a world without the movie Are We There Yet? I was giving my roommate a ride the other day, and she was like, Remington, why is your car so clean? And I was like, well, I litter. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Jokes, set up punchlines. We haven't really seen anything quite like it tonight, believe it or not. Thank you. We're an hour and some change into the show. I worked really hard on it. I didn't want to disappoint you, sir. You're amazing. How long have you been doing this? How long have you been doing standup? I started right after all the COVID restrictions lifted. Yeah, where at? Little Woodrow's in South Park Meadows. I was the door guy there. Here in Austin? Yes, sir. Amazing that you have gone under the radar this long. How long have you been signing up for the show? Since this past New Year's Eve. I signed up a couple of times when I had tickets and stuff, but I kind of left it for people who don't have tickets. People who were living in their cars, really going for it, you know, because I didn't even know if I was good. I like the fact that you took time to prepare and get ready for the show. Some people make the absolutely ridiculously mentally ill mistake of starting on this show for attention. Some people this. Oh, my goodness. You guys are so out of control. Did you jump into the mirror or what happened here? You got cocaine on your nose. I don't know what you're talking about, man. This is natural. Amazing. That's a pretty good bit. The lago, or how do you pronounce it? You look like Rick, just Rick. Yeah. Carlos, why is your psychiatrist here? Amazing. So Remington Blake Windsor, you are incredible. If you had to guess how many minutes like that you have, how long would you guess? That minute was so smart and funny. I got about 10 ready to go. That's great, man. Fantastic stuff. So Remington, let me ask you this. How do you make money nowadays? I was in the army, and while I was in, I got an owie. I bet you did. So I get about as much as a schoolteacher does for breathing. Thank you for your heroic fucking-- I wasn't overseas. I got it while I was in the US. Doesn't still get-- What happened? Can we ask what happened? It was a training accident. Snow is a lot harder than I thought it was. And I fell off this obstacle course thing and severed all the tendons that connect your collarbone to your shoulder blade. Ah, yeah. That sucks. And now I-- I get paid to owie. That's great, man. That's amazing. I mean, it's awesome. That's great for you. Anything could have happened. I mean, had you not had that injury, you could have-- Had to go work at Home Depot? Could have been injured overseas, something like that. So Remington, tell us more about your life. What would we be surprised to know about you? Do you have any special skills or talents other than being a very good joke writer? I got kick ass. Ankle jewelry. Whoa. Oh, my god. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Of all the people that we've had up here tonight, remember, there was a guy named DJ Coyote earlier. You're the one with the fucking ankle monitor? Yes, sir. What did you do to earn that amazing piece of hardware? I got two DWIs in 14 days. Oh, my god. Take us through this. Through this process. So the first one, let's just go through it. Let's take a guess. Give me a ballpark of what you had to drink that night. I like drinking. I'm a fan of it. I tend to do Crown Royals and Coca-Cola's, and I throw in shots of tequila in between. Like a straight guy. Yeah. I had to drive all the way back to New Bronzeville, so I stuck with Dos Equis. Oh, wow. So how many Dos Equis do you think you had the night of the first DUI? Just a ballpark's fine. Yeah. I mean, 15? Seven. Seven's OK. That would have killed me. Yeah, seven's a lot for Brad. That's what I told the cop, at least. OK. But seriously, it was about that amount? I mean, I guess. When you start in the morning and just-- What did you blow? Oh, god. Timmy, don't-- I told-- Question for Tone. Don't finish it. OK. Very good. OK. Stick with me here, because I find DUIs very intriguing. So-- Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Wait till you hear the second one. How close were you to New Braunfels, to home, when you got this DUI? I was actually turning into my neighborhood. I got pulled over. That is normally how it happens. That's why I ask these tough questions. I got pulled over for not using my blinker. And I was in a turn-only lane. I thought it was implied. Yeah. I love it. OK, so this is a big one. Do you remember on that first DUI, the moment you knew you were fucked? Was there like, a question he asked you that you answered incorrectly and you're like oh god he was like where are you coming from and i said home but i was going ah yeah that'll do it see this is interesting now they're tricky those police they are they are okay so let's switch to the second dui two duis within 14 days you probably shouldn't have been driving at all this time right no but there you were and then how many drinks do you think you had this time same amount ballpark ballpark same amount how far i just like from morning to whenever i go to sleep just white claw okay but i mean again seven that seems like a low amount from morning to night it was probably more that's just where i lose count right exactly okay so this one was it a little more like the midway point or was this also very close to home uh it was midway point yeah um but you know like they ask you for your license and insurance oh yeah he was just like how much have you had to drink tonight like with his head back and i said seven oh yeah that'll do it and uh he was like how long have you been drinking i said three and a half hours went out to do the field sobriety test went z y x w y and he was like how long have you been drinking i said W-V-U-T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A. And he was like, you have to wait for us to ask that. This is Hilltone. Tony, I got some news that when he came in, he was wearing brass knuckles. Wearing brass knuckles? That is protection from the homeless. That makes sense. All right. To and from the car. I'm not a dangerous. That makes sense. You have to defend yourself out here on these streets. Have you ever had to use the brass knuckles? No, not yet. Very good. Good. Wait, are you serious? Yes. Like a bit? Or is that true? No, we're being serious. I carry them around. I used to carry a stun gun, but. Am I the only person that thinks that's fucking crazy to have brass knuckles on to just punch a fucking homeless person? No, that's. That's why it was brought to our attention and featured on the show. I wouldn't recommend bear spray. I don't want to get mugged. Get bear spray. It's better, though. Oh, okay. Red Band walks around with bear spray just in case if he wants to freshen his breath a little bit. All right. Remington, Blake Windsor, I find you so intriguing. I beg you to sign up again and show us another minute. Here's the big joke book, my friend. Thank you so much. One more time for a joke writer, a joke teller, Remington, Blake Windsor, everybody. Yeah. All right, everybody. We are going to switch things over to a golden ticket winner. Now, this isn't just any golden ticket winner. This is a very compelling one. I gave this guy a golden ticket based on the fact that he was funnier in his interview than he was during his set, and almost every answer he gave was hilarious. It's a work in progress. This is a work in progress. If he wasn't one of those, he was unbelievably hilarious, and so Tony gave him a golden ticket. This is a young comedian that I think over the years is going to grow into something special or end up a fucking news headline somewhere. Make some noise for him, ladies and gentlemen. This is the long-awaited return, his first ever golden ticket cash-in, the second time ever on the show. Make some noise for Angel Diaz, everybody. Here we go. Thank you. Hell yeah. Keep it going for Kill Tony. Fuck yeah. All right, so I have a serious question for everyone involved in this situation right now. Who here likes anime? Yeah, fuck anime, honestly. That shit is fucking gay. Like, honestly, the people who watch anime try so hard to convince you to watch it, too, that, you know, honestly, it feels like I'm about to go jerk somebody off while watching it. You know, like, it got to the point where, like, the people who. I don't know, man. Like, it kind of throws me off, like, this whole anime thing. Like, the other day, my friend was like, yo, Angel, we should do a couple of bumps of ketamine and go watch anime. And I was like, nigga, do you want me to fuck you in the ass? Like, it got to the point. I don't know, bro. Like, when it comes to this ant, I don't know. Like, the people. Like, I don't like the way they draw these women. Like, it's like, yeah, she has big titties. I can see them jiggling. But there's a fucking bag. Like, she's wearing a backpack. Like. Like. There's lockers in the background. Who the fuck is drawing this shit with a hard dick? All right, yo, my name is Angel Diaz. Angel Diaz. With another set, much like he had last time. But the interview is always very interesting with you, Angel. You're a very compelling character. Yeah, yeah, I am. I'm a good guy. How's life been since your last interview? How's life been since your last appearance on this show? Tony, I've been getting hella pussy everywhere. Nice. I've been hitting it raw and cumming inside all of them. Whoa, Angel, that's crazy. Why are you doing that, Angel Diaz? You might need this soon. No, I won't. I'm doing it because it makes me feel good. Yes, it does. Yeah, yo, give it up for hitting it without a condom, actually. Yeah, absolutely. I completely agree. 100% this crowd. 100% this crowd is with that. This is the crowd, the angriest they've been all night is when a guy on stage holding that microphone said that he doesn't eat pussy. Oh, hell nah. Yo, pussy, yo, honestly, I make my girlfriend cum every time. How do you do it, Angel? How do you do it? What's your method? All right, so sometimes, all right, so I start off with, um. All right, so I start off eating her vagina in, like, um. Like, kind of like a slow way. Do you guys want me to do the facial thing? Yes, yes. Yeah, yo, all right, turn around. No, no, don't do it. He's chasing him. He almost chased him for a second. He looks like a giant pussy. Go over there. He had a fat ass. He does have a fat ass. Brad's got those fucking butter cakes over there. Fucking 11-year-old fat ass. What? With a big, juicy tits backpack. He's got those fucking cupcakes over here. All right, so Angel Diaz, back to you. When you make your women cum, when you do that, what's the next thing that you do right after that? Do you tend to. What do you do? Do you say something? Do you do something after they female ejaculate, if you will? All right, so. What do you do? All right, when I start eating the vagina. Oh, what was the answer? Oh, my bad. All right, so when I start eating the vagina, I'll be like, yo, bitch, turn around. And then she does, and then I, um. And then I just start eating it from the back. And then I put my finger in her asshole while I'm eating it from the back. So you get it. You were too excited, actually. And then what? And then what do you do, Angel? After you put the finger in, our senior straight correspondent, Dee Madness, is here. Famously homophobic, but when someone's eating a girl's pussy from the backside, throwing a finger in her ass, he comes back from the bathroom immediately. Oh, you wanted me to know what I do when, uh. You said, uh. You just leave the finger in there. All right, so I put the finger in there, and then I wiggle it around a little bit, and then, um. All right, so, like, to the point where it's like I can touch, like, my own finger through the vagina. Ah, very good. The old telepathic alien touch. We all know that maneuver. That's how I know I'm doing it good, you know? Like, uh, once I feel my own finger. That's right. Absolutely, Angel, you're doing very good right now. Angel, what else have you been doing? You have any other hobbies that we don't know about that we didn't find out about last time you were on this show? Um, hobbies? Oh, not really, uh. Yo, but I got hit by a car, like, two days ago. Oh, shit. That happens to some of the best comedians in the world. Happened to Sam Kinison. Happened to Roseanne Barr. Happened to Brad Williams. Four times. Whoa! Yeah. Well, I mean. Makes sense. Those were black guys. That was a car. Yeah. Amazing. Backed up over me. Amazing. Uh, okay, so tell us about this car hitting you, Angel. What were you running from at the time? Um, yo, uh, uh. Actually, yo, I wasn't even running. It was just, like, all right, so the lady was fucking Asian. Oh, we know. Guys, slow down. Like, it was. All right, so, like, I'm not, like, a racist guy or anything, so pretty much, like, I get hit by the car, and then I said, yo, bitch, you don't see? And then I realized that she was Asian. I was like, you know what? Forget it, actually. I didn't see. My bad. Oh, my God. It was a kamikaze mission. Angel Diaz. So you're back in New York. That's where you lived full time. Yep, born and raised. Yeah. What's going on out there? You having fun out there? What's shaking? You getting. Oh, um, you said, was shaking out there? Yeah, what's going on out there? Well, I don't know the terminology that you kids speak, but, like, what's happening? Oh, okay, so what's happening right now in New York? Yeah. All right, let me think. me actually give this like a good thought what do you think about this new mayor mamdani that you guys have oh okay okay i actually have a lot of things about to say about this okay great yo fuck mandami i'm not gonna lie you know what threw me off about him it was just like all right his heart was in the right place i'm gonna start off with saying that but ain't no way you could actually make that stuff happen this nigga said the bus is free like bro like you guys are paying taxes who is this and then like uh i don't know like yo yo fuck my no i couldn't i can't say that because i'm gonna have to i might have to fucking see this guy no you're not gonna see him by the way just to just to point out a crazy fun fact you said that you can't make the bus free people have to pay taxes and somehow you angel diaz make more economic sense than he does the mayor of new york even you who thinks anime is shaking tits with backpacks and lockers and hits it from the back or eats pussy on the back and feels your own finger and that's when you know you did a good job you know that economically it doesn't work to lower taxes and give out the bus for free you know that that's impossible isn't that incredible that you know that and the new mayor uh doesn't know that and the majority of new york voted for him guys i'm gonna start this off by saying i'm running for fucking mayor i'm running i don't know where i don't know you could actually win you could you actually have a chance um all right anything else crazy happening in your life angel diaz um all right let me see oh in austin yo i've been staying with this one chick that like does only fans and i like i slept on her floor last night and yo guys i'm gonna start this off by saying i'm not hitting that and i i don't i don't want to like the other day she was like i'm not hitting that and i'm not hitting that and i was like yo um angel i'm gonna go and give this guy a foot job but the way she said it sounded like she was about to go pick up some fucking change or some bullshit like it was i don't know like that's what i've been up to here i've been staying with this only fans uh shorty and i've been trying so hard to not hit that like it got to the point where it's like uh i feel like yeah she is trying to trick me into hitting that but uh no i'm not hitting that why aren't you hitting that um because she's uh oh damn i shouldn't say this now oh what's your screen name man jesus fucking christ when i ask a question guys let the fucking person try to answer for a second go ahead why would you not hit it with an only fans yeah why would you not hit it i'll tell you right now um it's because like uh if i do hit then like uh this girl knows what my penis looks like and i like it's gonna make me i don't i don't i just i just don't i just don't want her to i just i just don't i just don't want her to like to tell nobody like what exactly it looks like uh perfect that's a good answer that's not a good answer what are you makes no sense but good i like it i like it's fun it's fun stuff thank you i think it's his way of being self-deprecating and saying that he doesn't have a penis worth the world knowing about how would you know tony i will show you my penis right now i don't know no i get it it's a fun riff i like that all right angel very very great interview as always we think you're so funny thank you for coming back and we'll see you again soon golden ticket winner first time cashing angel diaz he'll be back we're gonna keep it moving all right your next bucket pool uh-oh very high expectations off the name make some noise for ty funny everybody cut that shit dj got this pink sweater on i just left a lesbian baby shower they were all girls yeah uh my cousin she's like the stud out of the relationship that was the first time i got to see her so i ain't know what to say i was like damn got a nigga pregnant got a nigga pregnant but her and her baby mother beefing so we're not sure if she might be a single mother and father right now we're gonna see her next week i just got fired from my job for stealing my co-worker lunch anybody ever steal a co-worker lunch before just me i stole my co-worker hot pocket out the microwave out the sleeve you ever help somebody look for some shit that you stole i came out the break room with the hot pocket sleeve like yo niggas stealing hot pockets now oh just gonna leave the sleeve thank you that's funny good minute is that a true story you really steal the hot pocket or it's just a joke right i really stole the hot pocket oh my god what job was this what kind of job was it at the ymca when i was aquatic director oh my god amazing what exactly were you doing at the ymca i'm uh i was an aquatic director you were the aquatic director you were no fucking way dude i can swim better than everybody are you serious it is i used to train with michael phelps i'm from baltimore you trained with michael phelps yes sir holy shit that's like me being the basketball coach or me being jewish you know it's like me being the uh how to make a woman have an orgasm coach am i right i'm so okay being uh skinny i actually i've noticed something you didn't say the m word at all did you want to do well or not really welcome to the show type funny how long you've been on stand-up i've been on it for about 10 years 10 years all of it in the baltimore area baltimore a little bit of land in new york i've traveled i've been here before i love it you how long ago were you were on the show before or in austin i was on um did um open mic on the other side on the at the mother ship yes nice awesome so 10 years you're kind of going around everywhere where's your mother ship yes sir nice awesome so where are you based out of new york right now austin texas oh nice how long have you lived here i just moved down here probably last year sweet fantastic how you making money here um i drive trucks right now you're a truck driver yes sir wow amazing what uh what type of freight are you pulling food food yes sir hell yeah how many hot pockets are you stealing at least 80 000 the loads coming in a little light i love it ty us through some interesting fun facts about being a truck driver because we none of us can really even imagine we just see you guys i do a thing where i try to make you honk do you do you respond to people that do that for the kids for the kids for sure everybody always says that he would do it for me he would do it for me yeah you would trick him you trick him you do the thing you cover up your facial hair and then just go like that i get i have an unbelievable ratio i'm sure some of my friends up in the balcony that maybe are watching can attest to this but a little fun fact about me you get me sitting shotgun in your car i go non-stop red band knows this we've traveled we've traveled the country all around back when we used to have to drive from gig to gig like absolute animals like we paid our dues in any way in any matter um i have a very high ratio you don't think you would honk if a guy like me was like please please come on sir please only if you had kids in the back and i would still kind of look at your suspension for you tony they do look at me a little suspicious sometimes when they do it in that one glimpse um you're giving road head to red band while you're doing it yes giving road head to red band while i'm doing it timmy one note everybody timmy one note hard at work over here yeah well he's gay so i don't know what else to do he does give me a lot of stuff to work with it's very hard to do fun fact i never let red band drive a single pile on any of our road trips correct in fact i don't think i let anybody drive no he was always in control of everything that we ever did correct okay very good um ty what do you think is the blackest thing about you knowing that you're that you've had a job as an aquatic director and can swim better than anybody on stage which is definitely the whitest thing about you what do you think is the blackest thing about you other than the fact that you stole a hot pocket once i don't know i think i'm um the blackest thing is that we probably i don't know you run late sometimes i mean yeah for sure there you go that'll work we can start there so there's a lot and i smoke new ports oh yeah there you go perfect absolutely shout out to newports official sponsor of kill tony um i love it what's your preferred type of woman right now what are you into right now um anything that's a girl right now i have this problem on dating sites where like i was talking to this badass trans for like three days you know because he was a bad he was a bad he was a bad the was a bad take us through this process step by step did you immediately know it was a trans like oh she she sent me some titty pictures so i sent him back a dick pic oh yeah then he sent me a dick pic now i got a new floating around the lgbt community oh did you swim away or anything like what amazing that is so funny ty yeah when a chick sends you a dick pic that's no bueno dude no bueno no bueno amazing amazing and how about here in austin are you doing good with the ladies or whatever here and i mean i'm just getting settled in so we're right absolutely i'm sure what's your living situation you live in by yourself yes sir nice little studio apartment you know it well and uh what's the craziest thing if we were to open your refrigerator door right now what would be the weirdest thing that we would find in it probably that trans man that i was you are so funny ty you really are you really are a funny guy welcome to the kill tony universe here's a big joke book sign up again you come back ty sign up again and come back see us again we want another minute from one more time for ty funny everybody here's another bucket pool everybody we are coming around the corner this should be about it make some noise for bobby ludlam everyone bobby ludlam what's up austin texas how the hell are you my name is bobby ludlam that's our first to bobby alaska lincoln union delta lima alphamerica i moved here from california because in california you have to suck dick for stage time at least that's what i thought boy was i embarrassed i was trying polyamory which is latin for lonely on friday night i tried to get my girlfriend to have sex with me in the public restroom you know the family restroom at the public pool and she said no what if we get caught and i told her don't worry i'll just tell him you're my sister i only play tag with non-binary so i can call them it bedtime must be a confusing time for the parents of a trans lad when do you stop tucking him in i drew an extremely detailed picture of israel after a drone strike and i accidentally invented a new form of art called hyper israelism i don't always wear a watch if i want to know what time it is i pull out my cock and someone says hey your cock's out and it's three o'clock in the afternoon and i go thank you very much bobby love them amazing bobby where are you from i'm from california tony pomona california very funny i love it how about the accent where's that from i just picked it up when i was working at costco recently to mess with the people very funny thank you very much i appreciate you guys true fan of the show here oh nice hell yeah welcome welcome so bobby how long you been on stand-up i've been doing stand-up almost five years five years slipped right back into it yeah that happens that costco will get you um seriously where you from pomona california yeah but how do you have that accent i don't that was just for fun really just part of the show tony i started on your show five years ago in l.a. really yes sir been grinding ever since trying to do this thing was this during the pandemic it was and it was one where you like sent in a video no uh i showed up at the comedy mother store yeah the the comedy store yeah no i get it it happens so this was in the empty main room basically it was right to a camera for my first time wow yeah an empty room for your first time and you've been working hard on it since or yes sir yeah the jokes are very very smart um not always absolutely hysterical but you're you have a very smart brain oh thank you yes um timmy no breaks yeah so you were doing an accent right okay it just drives me crazy when people do a character just be yourself you know fucking cut it out be yourself what are you doing you don't need a fucking character in order to blow up a kill dog five years ago tony said the same thing he said start writing from the heart you look like a crackhead write like one yeah amazing here we are uh and uh so you still live in pomona no um i moved to chicago for a couple years and now i just moved to austin last week okay i've been here one week wow so this is your first time signing up for the show um i signed up three weeks ago i went on a cross-country tour with some friends from california to new york and uh we stopped by here and signed up but didn't get called is that when you decided to move here or did you already plan on moving i've been planning on moving here nice and you plan to move here basically to do stand-up comedy yes sir what do you do to make money um all kinds of things right now i got a job on craigslist as a live-in caretaker for a 77 year old man who has alzheimer's wow and they let me move in with him without even ever meeting me yeah wow hopefully i'm not a psycho did they see a picture of you or anything i wouldn't have gotten the job no wow are you afraid they might find out about it from this episode perhaps someone's watching no they'll be okay yeah and even if the guy's watching he's gonna forget about it anyway yeah if he tried to call his family and complain about you they wouldn't believe him anyway they're like ah he's having one of his episodes he said the guy is a fucking mohawk and speaks with an irish accent amazing amazing so what's that like how long have you been with this 77 year old so he has delusions and uh hallucinations yeah he's he's claimed that they're hiding drugs under his living room he told me that the person who was taking care of him before was doing abortions in the bedroom that i'm currently staying in have you have you seen any hint of this are there any no a couple nights ago he woke me up with a knife in his hand at three in the morning and he told me there were three people that broken into the house and they were currently in his bed and that he wanted him out did you go check i said give me the knife he gave me the knife i said i don't want you to fall i went in you know helped him out check the bed so you really are taking care of this guy i really they're paying you and you have a place to stay so room and board no pay but free rent in austin yeah yeah that's cool um is it far from here oh about 25 minutes okay and uh all right so how are you making money um so i had a gig at costco doing food samples and they told me it would transfer here but as soon as i got here asked for some availability and they haven't given me anything yet so i'm currently looking for a place to live and i do all kinds of stuff construction and um should be pretty easy but you have enough to survive for a little bit yeah survive is yeah right luckily it doesn't take much for me i'm kind of a minimalist so yeah surviving same there you go what are your uh like hair gel hair gel expenses like how much do you spend on that i crush one blue chew up into some water and i spray my head with it this happens right there blue chew gold yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm not sure if i'm old we love blue chew out here on these streets just to let you know um all right so bobby anything else crazy we should know about you any special skills or talents or anything like that yeah um tons of weird stuff i wrote a few of them down i could beat any person on this stage at a staring contest except the madness for sure good point what else you got um it took me three years to find out i got shot oh tell us about that so uh i got in trouble a long time ago i had to go to jail i went to jail and i got released on my own recognizance to prepare for trial and uh the first bit of time i was in jail was pretty uncomfortable i was pretty broke and i'd learned one of the things you could do is smuggle things back in with you to jail to make some money so i got released and i decided to you know smuggle drugs back into jail when i went back in and uh as i was getting the intake process a sergeant came out and he asked the cop who was in taking us if i'd gone through the full body scanner yet and he said no he didn't know how to use it and the sergeant said well time to learn and uh they put me through a full body scanner and the cop said you ever been shot before and i thought he meant he was gonna shoot me because i was filled with drugs and i said no sir and he said all right i'm calling a detective down to open a case and i said why and he said what's inside of you and i said he had a bullet in the back of your right kneecap did you know that and i went what and he went have you ever been shot and i went oh yeah that bullet yeah i got shot and he said and you forgot and i said yeah and he said get the fuck back in line and i get back in line and i'm shaking like visibly shaking and there's this gangster dude next to me he's got la tattooed on his forehead but not just the words the whole skyline of la tattooed on his forehead and he goes he goes what are you shaking for dog you're a gangster and i went what and he went dude most people get shot they brag about it you got shot and forgot and i said and i'm also filled with drugs and he went what we're gonna party when we get in there let's go well bobby i like your style man it's incredible that you started on an empty stage during the pandemic during the comedy store and uh and here you are It wasn't that unbelievable, but I liked the fact that you wore a Kill Tony shirt and that you're that big of a fan that you're chasing your dreams. So here's a big joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas, Bobby. Thanks, Bobby. Ludlum, everybody. All right, one last bucket pool. We're going into overtime. Is that okay with you guys? You guys still having fun out there? We're going to extend it a little bit longer because why the fuck not? Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody. Will Hunsinger, here we go. Feels good to be here, man. I love doing this shit. It's my favorite part of my night every night. Just going to perform for you guys. I still got my day job and everything. My day job, I'm an engineer. I got my degree in aerospace engineering, which is not what you want to hear right now. I know that. Because you don't want someone working on airplanes who has other dreams. You understand? We told too many kids they can be anything when they grow up. That's why the doors were flying off at Boeing because somewhere the door guy just wanted to dance. You know what I'm saying? You don't want dreamers making airplanes, all right? You want autism making airplanes. You want the type of guy when his peas touches mashed potatoes, he freaks out like that. Just like, everything must be symmetrical. And you're like, good, Tyler, good, okay. Calm down. Give him more Pokemon cards. We're paying him in Pokemon cards. We gave him a Charizard last week. He finished the whole fucking plane. This kid's incredible. All right. Yeah. Funny. Will Hunsinger. Have you been on this show before, Will? I have, yes. Yeah, I remember you. Welcome back, Will. How are you? Feels good. It's good. I don't know. Last time was shit my pants, so this feels better. I'm happy this went okay. Tell us about the difference between last time and this time. Well, last time I was in a relationship and you started pressing me on sexual shit right away. And I was like, I don't want to embarrass anybody. And now I'm single, so I'm just like, fuck it. Who cares? Great. It was like a weird spot. So what were you afraid to answer last time? I don't remember. I think you were asking me like bad sexual stories and I was just like, I don't want to say this in front of three million people. So go ahead. What are they now? Oh, God. It's been weird, man. I'll be honest. Like the breakup, like we split up like a couple months ago and it was like not a good one. Like, because sometimes you got to have a breakup and you're like, hell yeah. Like we've all been in that breakup. And the other times you're in the breakup where you're like, man, I'm going to watch Saving Private Ryan all night tonight. Like that's, so it's just been sad, weird shit, you know? Like we were in Tampa the other week. I was doing shows out there and there's a lot of swingers out there and this couple came up to me after and they were like, my husband, this woman was like, my husband likes to watch. Like, would you be interested in that? And I was like, yeah, he's about to watch me cry in your arms tonight, bitch. I'm like, I'm not down for this shit, dude. I'm not ready. I was like, if you could just sit in that chair and tell me he's proud of me, that would be way. I just need a hug, dude. I'm good. I'm not. Dude, shout out Blue Chew, man. It works for coke, dick, and depression. Did you know that? It's fucking had my back. Blue Chew Gold actually does. It has things that affect your mental health that make you feel better. It is true. Yeah, it's been. Will, what else is going on in life? Yeah, I mean, it's been weird running around Austin. I've been there for like a year and a half. Comedy's going good. We've been busy there. You know, I moved here from Vegas and Vegas was fucking nuts, so it's kind of good being there. What did you do for a living in Vegas? So I went to school for aerospace engineering, so I worked for like, a jet engine company for a little while. And then now I work for the city of Austin, fucking water department. Fucking got you guys. We're doing our best. No, it's great. I like it here. But yeah, Vegas is a giant, dangerous chemical plant that's now been like shut down and that place was fucking sketchy as shit because it was all like condemned and it was weird. It was weird because like, you'd be in these like giant buildings, these giant like chemical buildings and stuff, and then they'd be like, there'd be a chain link fence through the middle of it and they'd be like, yo, that other half of the building is condemned and radioactive. And I was like, that's a chain link fence. Like, I don't think we're going to be all right. And then also like, we're on the same roof, so condemned's not great. I don't like this. But yeah, that place was sketchy as fuck. And then I worked for the water department out there for a little while. I used to like go inside of pipes and that was cool and drive robots and shit. But engineering stuff is, you know, it was cool, you know? Amazing. Yeah, I'm crazy. You went inside of pipes? You seem like not the right body type. Yeah. We took your work, man. That's my bad. Fucking. Let's check in with the great Timmy No Breaks here. How you doing, Tim? Hey, pretty good. I got a question for you. Please. When death comes, will you be ready to go or will you cling to the life because you're terrified you never truly lived? Perhaps the greatest question in the history of the show from the elite, super regular Timmy No Breaks. Has he been doing this shit all night? Is this just me? Repeat the question, please, one more time. Can I have it once more? Nope. I'm not doing it. I think he accidentally answered it by wanting it a little bit more. I just, I mean, now that I've been in the room with Timmy No Breaks, I feel pretty satisfied. I'll be honest. This is, I feel great being with you, Tim. Follow-up question. Please. Any tricks in the bedroom? Yeah, I role play as you usually. They have me put on the jacket and sunglasses and just fucking talking an accent the whole fucking time. Wow, look at that. Yeah. Look at that. Willie No Break. Yeah, try masturbating like that. Will Hunsinger, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? I mean, shit. I mean, like I said, I'm just down bad right now. I wish I had some more crazy shit. It's been, I saw, I had a weird sexual interaction with a girl who didn't shave right, and that was weird. That was a few weeks ago. Tell us about that. What do you mean didn't shave right? So like, because, okay, because she thought like shaving, you know, like she shaved, like I saw her, like it was like a wedding, and she was like, oh, you're lucky, like I shaved just for this. And I was like, that's cool, you know. And then she took off her dress and she had shaved, like it was shaved, shaved. And then she went up on the, I went to go down on her because I'm a gentleman, and. Thank you. And then she put her legs, but she didn't shave anywhere underneath. Did you get what I'm saying? Ah. Like she thought shaving was just this. She never did like fucking one of these in the shower. I've never put my leg up on a table either. Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen. So I was down there and like, I wanted to go for it, but like, I was just, it was looking at like, like a pussy with mutton chops. Like it was, it was bad, man. It was weird. I didn't like it. I don't know. Yeah. That, that threw me. I was like, I'm not fucking anybody for a while. I think I'm going to take a break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fun times, Will. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Will Hunsinger, ladies and gentlemen. One last bucket pool. What do you guys say, huh? It is the name that goes by Sean Glazer, everybody. Sean Glazer, everyone. Here we go. I've been on. TikTok way too much, uh, to the point where I'm just like watching ads all the way through. You don't have to do that. You can just keep scrolling. Uh, I saw an ad for a product called boom, boom stick, a little chapstick size tube. It's got smelling salts in it to wake you up before work comes in flavors like mint and mango and citrus their tagline. It's legal cocaine. I don't know about you guys. I've done illegal cocaine. If it doesn't taste like loose change, I don't want it. Get that blueberry bullshit out of here. Do you have a nickel flavored boom, boom stick? It's on ad for a speakeasy. It's a little ironic. I thought they were supposed to be a secret. I feel like Al Capone would be rolling in his grave. If you saw these people selling a martini for 20 bucks, calling it a vermouth Bader Ginsburg or something gay. I'm not going to lie. I'm going to say it's a very good idea. All right, there he goes everybody, Sean Glazer, everyone. Here's a medium joke book. Here you go, buddy. Boom. All right. Hey. When you get to 780 episodes or whatever, sometimes you just get to do whatever the fuck you want. All right. Williams dealing with a family tragedy. Ari Maddy is doing sold out shows around the world. Timmy No Breaks is sitting right here. Dedrick is dealing with a family something. It's all true. Everything I'm saying is true. So to close tonight's show, I decided to go with an old veteran of the game. A true, true legend of the Kill Tony universe who I'm sure has a rock solid brand new minute for us. Here to close us out, family style, America's favorite uncle. Make some noise for David Jolly, everybody. How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico? Hell yeah, man. I've been thinking about life lately, man. I've been thinking about my Aunt Rose a lot. She was one of my favorite people on earth. She had dementia. Y'all know how dementia work, right? Well, they get older, they old, but they living in the best moments of their life. And I talked to my Aunt Rose and she'll say something like, hey, David, you want to go on a hayride? And I'm like, hayride? Who this bitch went to school with, Huckleberry Finn? But the crazy part about dementia is it ain't never going to change. We're going to be dealing with dementia in 40 years. But can you imagine them kids from today with dementia in 40 years? Somebody, grandma, jump up at Thanksgiving, give me a mop and a sock for this wet-ass pussy. Grandma, get that BBL out of them mashed potatoes. Six, seven, six, seven. Thank y'all. Y'all been a whole bunch of fun, man. David Jolly, 55 seconds from David Jolly. Great stuff, David. Timmy, no breaks? Yeah, how's SNL going? Yeah. Hey, I ain't going to lie, Timmy, you're my favorite homosexual, man. I swear to God, you is. Okay. You're going to regret that. No, I'm not. No, I ain't. Yeah, I'm going to call you something. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm going to. I love you, man. You're out of my life. All right. Whoa. David, how's life going? Man, life's great, man. You know, got me a new set of teeth on the road every weekend. You know, got a girl. You know, life's pretty good. Who's this girl? A chick? A girl? That's black. Whoa. I don't know. I mean, I ain't going to say her name. Relax, Tony. Why black? My mama live down here, though. Remember you talked to my mama that day on the phone? Yes, I did talk to her. Yeah, I moved my mom in with me. So, yeah, things going pretty good. Moving her from Florida so she can be a little easier on her. What part of Florida? She from Orlando. You know, we from Orlando. But I moved her here around, like, Thanksgiving. So, you know, she just getting on my fucking nerves every day. Yeah. Tell us about that. What's mama doing? Oh, you know, she cooking and cleaning shit up. You know, I usually wash, like, once a week. But every time I come home, now, she just washing shit. What is she cooking? What's mom cooking? She is spaghetti, chicken. You know chicken. We love that chicken. Is there chicken in the spaghetti? Yeah, sometime together. Red band. I promise you that was not on purpose. In his defense, in his defense, the soundboard is labeled in alphabetical order, and chicken and chimp are right next to each other. I'm looking at it. Look, they're right. Turn the fucking thing up. I don't know why you pretend like your job's harder than it is. See? They're right next to each other. I ain't even hear that shit. Right next to crow and dog. Right? And your girlfriend. He's saying that your girlfriend is right next to you. He's saying that your girlfriend is a fat black woman. Hey, man, you a fat white man, Red Band. How about that? Oh. Hey, Red. All right, all right. Okay. We usually friends, Red Band. I can't wait to diabetes catch up with your ass, you motherfucker. You big fat bitch, you. You're dating a skinny black woman. Nah, she like a thick one, you know. She ain't fat, though. She can see her feet, motherfucker. She ain't that big, you know. Where'd you meet her at? I met her in life. I'm just saying, like, in a store. Like, you know, I just walked up old school style. No internet. You know, like, what up, baby girl, you know? What store was it? Ross. Oh, my God. You like Ross, man? Fucking I love Ross, man. Hell yeah. Yeah, go ahead. What's the blackish thing about you? This big old dick. You know what I'm talking about, man. Yeah, yeah. Wow. How big is it, David? If you had to. Whoa, Tony, you freaking Freddy motherfucker, you all right? Just give us a number, David. Just give us. 35 inches. Hold on. I'm trying to. Hold on. Let me find a sound effect for that. I haven't measured it in a while, you know. Wait, that's the wrong one. That's the wrong one. Sorry. Okay. All right. David, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you? Not really. Did you get that wacky shirt off of. Did you steal that off of a giant teddy bear or something? Like, what is that? No, man. I bought this at the polo outlet on the clearance rack. Okay. I like it. It's a nice shirt, ain't it? I don't know what you just said. I didn't understand that. I purchased this shirt from the polo outlet. I get it. Off the clearance rack. I understand that. Thank you. Came off the clearance rack. I understand. Crystal clear. All right. All right, Tim. David Jolly, we love you. Thank you so much. There you go. David Jolly, we did it. That's an episode of Kill Tony brought to you by Netflix. The Roast of Kevin Hart is out. Kill Tony Mania is out. Get tickets for Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th. Two totally different shows. You can get combo tickets and come to both nights. That's what I would do because if not, you're not a real fan. Shout out to Asphalt 3D. One more time. Brad Williams' new special live on Short Street is on YouTube.com backslash BradWilliamsComedy. Thank you, Brad, for joining us. The man, the myth, the legend, Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. Biggest and blackest on YouTube. YouTube.com backslash Timmy No Breaks. What a fun episode. Red Band? I'll be in San Diego July 9th through 11th at theamericancomedycode.com. And I love you. I love you, Neo. How about one more time for the robot joining us? Playing the tambourine, everybody. All right. Let's check in with the art of Chris Rogers over there. Let's see what he drew tonight. Oh, Brad and Timmy. Amazing. Amazing stuff. Why is his head so big? That's great. That looks good. All right. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Thank you.