#770 - TOM SEGURA + SHERYL UNDERWOOD

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, Hats, Mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Give me! Where are you going, Dan? Wait a minute, man. Oh! Yeah! And I'm on one more time for the best standband in all the land. That's the Killtony band, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! You are here. You made it to the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, and Zipper Cruder. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? I love it. We're about to have a blast. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Hey, y'all. We're going to be in New York, New York, Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. We will be in Dallas, Texas, Saturday, September 26th, and Houston, in Sugar Land. Again, on Saturday, October 17th. Get tickets, see Killtony live. There's nothing like it, whether someone's bombing or killing. Get in on all the action. Go to TonyHenchClip.com for tickets right now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, we are just businesses booming right now. I feel so good about things, and I feel so good about tonight's damn booking. Two of the best comedians in the world. You know them. You love them. Make some noise for tonight's guests. Tom Segera and Cheryl Underwood. Oh my god. Hell yeah. Cheryl Motherfucking Underwood. Tom Segera. Yeah. We are live in the dream. Let's fucking go, baby. Cheryl Underwood fresh off of the roasts of Kevin Hart. Immediately signed to a one hour special produced by Kevin Hart. Brought to you by Netflix. Yeah. So hard. Immediately signed to one fucking special deal. Yes. How awesome it is. You did it for me. We make a good solid and pepper tea. You're damn right. We sat next to each other all night. We took it. Absolutely. We delivered two hours into that thing. They tried to bury us and we said. Fuck that. Let's go. You said going with that bullshit. She is on the I need a job tour. I don't think she really needs one much longer. I think she fucking did it. I need money. With Kyle Irby is on the tour with me. Yes. But wait a minute. So this is two hours of what? You're going to love it. It's we're going to watch. No, because I thought we was going to kill Tony for two hours. Well, a lot of people that look like you do want to kill me right now. Wait. Hold on. What happened? What's new today? Did you want to catch some shit for something? You're right. Tom Segura is here. Ladies and gentlemen. Tom Segura is out. Right now. This is released. It is out on Netflix. And he's doing a cool little new material show. July 7th and 8th in Oxnard, California. A little something there. How about one more time for Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood. Ladies and gentlemen, what a dynamic duo. So Cheryl, here's what happened. There's 250 human beings. Now we're not going to get through all of them. Okay. But if I pull the name out of this bucket. Right. That means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. So this is like running a train of comedy. Is that what this is? Yep. Absolutely. And some people are not mentally well. Exactly. For example, the first name I pulled here, you can't make it up. It's Princess Rubber Duckie. Is what we're going to end up seeing. Okay. I heard Princess and I automatically thought black. Yeah. And I heard Rubber Duckie and then I went, well, maybe not. You know there's 60 seconds is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That's how we all know. And then they have a few extra seconds or else the angry West Hollywood bear interrupts them. Since it's shows inception, we needed a louder noise to cut them off. And then I conduct an interview. The entire show is improvised. Anything can happen. So this is like showtime at the Apollo for white people. You're exactly right. And for black people. Got it. Okay. I'm ready. It's every shape and size. We have it all. We have trans, mans, clans. We have everything here. Anything can happen. They're clans. What is you? What is you going to do, Betty? I'm going to get started with one of our regulars. This guy writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Not easy to do in front of millions of people. Let's see what he's got cooked up for us today. It's the first time I've heard him call Danny Glover. I can't believe I missed that. It's been years. You do look like Danny Glover. Gold for the shit. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. All right. Well, we're going to get it started with one of our regulars. Let's see what he's got cooked up for us tonight. He was originally called the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make the noise. It's a brand new minute from the great district plan. Everybody. Yeah. What's up, y'all? This is my first time in my life. I'm living by myself. And this shit is bullshit. I was not ready for this. I don't have the right shit to live by myself. I had to go fucking buy a couch nigga. And why didn't y'all tell me couch cost car money? This shit was. I walked into the store and I was like, "Yo, I need some couches." He said, "How many?" I said, "I need enough for six asses to sit down." Right? He said, "You want a bone-in couch or you want a boneless couch?" And I was like, "Nigger like hot wings?" Let me get the bone in. I'm going to land a nigga. We like, "Money and Wings," and then he went in. And he said, "Well, these two right here is going to be $10,000." And I was like, "Nigger, that's a 2015 Honda CRV with 85,000 miles on there." "Nigger, don't argue with me." I argue with Kelly Boobook. I said, "Well, how much for the goddamn boneless couch is then?" And then he said, "It'll be about 800." I said, "Y'all got a payment plan?" He said, "Yes." And so I got the boneless couch. And then now I get why it costs less because he's niggas shifted to me. And the shit came in vacuum sealed. Like the drugs I used to sell. Nigger, that shit was crazy. But then on the outside of the plastic, he said, "Do not cut with a knife." "Well, then nigga, how am I going to get in there?" "Right, how am I going to get in there?" And then I finally cut the plastic and my-- He went like, "Dad, like out of there." I was like, "These niggas couldn't breathe." [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Got to keep going? Okay, yeah, get it. She nutted out of this red fucking $800. Now I get why my grandma, my couch, was wrapped in plastic like -- [ Laughter ] Also, I'm gonna let y'all niggas know, if y'all come to my house and I ask you to have a seat, you better set the fuck down, nigga. I got to get my money's worth. I'll dare you not -- I'll pull my gun out. Like, nigga, sit down. Sit down, and then put that fucking $75 dollar throw blanket on. I'm gonna get comfy. Let me show you the rest of this shit I bought. You want to see my blender? Niggas, you want to see -- I got to -- blender $200 fucking dollars. Niggas, you drinking a smoothie. If you come to Niggas, you drinking a smoothie. Niggas, I got a guest bedroom. You stay in the night. Niggas, you got to stay the night. That's my job. Fuckin' go. What a way to start the show. Wow. A brand new two minutes and 20 seconds with a regular, dead-jerk Flynn. Absolutely incredible spot-on stuff. Amazing, dead-jerk. And it is so true. I really -- I never really bought a fresh couch before. And until a couple of years ago, like it was always hand me downs and shit forever. And yeah, it ain't easy. And it is bizarre. And you really captured everything about a couch. [ Laughter ] You really covered it, man. Not easy out there. I noticed a lot of couches were hard. And while a lot of people think I like to sit on hard things, it took me forever to find a soft enough couch for me. Like, it's not easy. A lot of them are too firm. Crazy stuff. Tom Segura. You know, you have a lot to say about that. There's so many different types of couches and beds and furniture. And it's a crazy market. And we did it out there. It really is. I've never heard it called a couch. Yeah, what do you call it? A cock. But -- Oh. [ Laughter ] And Potone decided it. He hasn't sat on a hard one in a while. Glad you're telling the people who you are. -I'm coming out. -Stand up for yourself. -That's right. -But when he said he couldn't breathe, I went all damn. -Oh, I know. -Oh, I know. -I wasn't here. -I wasn't here. -That said was incredible, man. -Yes, it was very, very good. -We all put together. -Thank you. -We all put-- so you didn't have a couch at first. -No, every couch I ever had was either founder there when I got there. -Okay. -But then, when you got the new couch, did you put the old couch on the front porch? -No, I was just-- I just moved straight into some part of having nothing. All I bought before I moved in was a big-ass TV, 'cause I'm a old-nigger now. -Real-time? -I found one gray hair, so I said, "I want to get a big-ass TV." -Right on. -And then I was like, "Oh, yeah, Niggas got to sit down to watch-- -Real-time. -You know what I mean? -Real-time. -True. I'm digging it. I'm digging it. You was about to lose your black card on a couple of them statements, but I'm digging it, but she said, "I love your shirt, by the way." -Oh, you mind? -Yeah. -Oh, so you know what to see? -Yes, man. -You know what, 1831 mean? -Yes, man. -Real-time. -Yes, man. -Got your platinum black card back. -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Oh, shit. -Mind. -Platin' 'em black card. -Yes. -I mean, I fucking knew too. -Look at the white people going, "What the fuck are they talking about?" -They always talking about something we can't wait in on. Come on, black people, have a meeting without us, Dennis. -From what I understand, the platinum black cards, the only card you guys have that works properly, right? -Oh, no, motherfucker. Oh, no, no. Okay, now, don't let me pull out my shit. Now, Netflix paid very, very well, motherfucker. -Absolutely. -I'm not an old lord. I hope that it goes through. No, God damn it. I got an accountant. Just a reminder, she's on the "I need a job" tour. -That's right. (laughter) -How 'bout we pay off the credit card if I have a job? -Fuck are you talking about-- -Okay, I'm sorry. We don't want to prolong this. -No, I love it. -Okay. -Dedric, that's a fantastic set. You got to start it, man, with an unbelievable tool. (cheers and applause) -And here we go. It has begun. And now we go to the bucket. Now, as you fans know, this is where shit gets crazy, 'cause anything can happen, and as promised, your first bucket pool doing an uninterrupted one-minute-long set goes by the name of Princess Ruffer, Jackie Ladies and Gentlemen. (upbeat music) -I've been noticing, I've been saying, y'all a lot lately, and I have a few issues with that. My first issue is that I'm not from that part of Virginia. My second issue with it is I stopped saying it when I was a kid, 'cause I got me from of a church for saying it. And yes, it was a Catholic church. Catholics are horrible people. I should know I'm one of them. And you can tell I'm a practicing Catholic because I don't go to church. I try to get to confession, but every time I get walking in the right direction, I end up getting turned around by some Latter-day Saints. (audience laughs) So I'm assuming that's how I ended up here. But I can't say this. Going to Catholic Church as a child has benefited me greatly for one thing as an adult. And that is, it's given me incredible dick sucking posture. Sit, stand, kneel. And I can say that joke in good taste, because when I went to Catholic Church, I didn't identify as a little boy. (audience laughs) - Okay, Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen, welcome Princess Rubber Ducky, a very religious set. - Thank you. - I'm guessing you are my crucifix just for you. - Okay, absolutely. - Thank you. - Amazing, I'm getting-- - They took my Ducky's backstage. - Okay, all right, there's a lot going on there. So Princess Rubber Ducky, I'm guessing you practice blind faith. (audience laughs) - Let's go. - The only time I denied Jesus Tony is when I need to get stoned. - Wow, all right. How long you been on standup, Princess Rubber Ducky? - Don't tell anybody less than two years. - Okay, and we can tell. (laughs) - Absolutely. - Amazing, so have you been blind your whole life, Princess? - No. - Okay, what happened? - Type one diabetes, it's a MFR. (laughs) - Let's check in with Cheryl Underwood here. Our type one diabetes senior correspondent. - Cheryl Underwood, damn straight. - You got damn right. First of all, on behalf of those who talk to God every day, when you walked up here with the white cane, are you pregnant? - Oh, fuck. - I'm trying to figure out what the fuck is happening. - Welcome to the roast of Princess Rubber Ducky. - Yeah, and then see, she went down 100 and said, "I've been noticing, what the fuck is you noticing, "isn't you blind?" (audience laughs) And why are you talking against the Catholic Church when we got a new black pope from Haiti, by way of Chicago? Now listen, the only thing I related to was the dick-sucking jokes, because I am a professional. (audience laughs) But as a fellow female comic, I applaud you for having the courage to get up and do this. What I'm asking you to do is polish those jokes, get a little more focus, and try not to be so shocking, but kind of pull the set together, 'cause you're not a bad comic. - Thank you. - But we will blew a blind person. We don't give a fuck. - I'll never see it coming. - But you'll hear it. - There you go. - You'll hear it, bitch, 'cause I heard that blind people hearing is good at a motherfucker. - Not with you around. - We gonna boo your ass like showtime at the Apollo up in this motherfucker. - I was you around. - Did these jokes right? Bitch, don't come back and forth with me. (audience laughs) Now hold on, bitch. I was trying to help you, pregnant. I want to see the motherfucker that's fucking the blind bitch talking about God with type one diabetes. How the fuck, you a white woman with diabetes? (audience laughs) - Happens to the best of us. - Ah, yeah. - What's the reason she blind is God's struck her blind? (audience laughs) - He was me, drunk. - Jokes. - Now, you are okay. I ain't gonna say shit. Somebody, Prince, talk about the president. Princess, Robert Ducky. - She gonna lose all her benefits when Trump here, so. (audience laughs) - I know I'm here. - All right, relax, Robert Ducky. Relax. - Princess, it's the only rubber she's ever used. (audience laughs) - I'm sorry. - You're doing great. - How blind are you? - Yeah, how blind are you? - How blind are you? - Are you Ray Charles blind? Are you Jose Felicia blind? - I'm 72% in my right eye, 2% in my left eye, but I see flashing lights and snow, and like I can see your outline, but I couldn't pick you out of a line up. - All right, you're doing great. - Yeah. - Let me ask you, Princess, Robert Ducky, because I always find it so compelling and interesting. So what exactly did you consume or do a lot of to make this happen? - She's got type one. - Oh, is that not the sugar one? - No. - Oh, okay, whatever. - Ingram one. - Hey, we were here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, how much strawberry lemonade does it take exactly? - It's just got on this, it's really just got amazing. So Princess, Robert Ducky, what do you, what do you or did you do for a living? Like what are some fun facts about your actual life? - So I used to, well, I started, well, I wanted to join the military when 9/11 happened and type one diabetes shut that down for me. And so I got into automotive and I did auto body took first place in auto body and welding, kicked my ex-boyfriend's ass. And then I transferred it over to mechanics. And then I started running shops. By the time I was 21, I managed seven jiffy loobs. And then I took that to driving a tow truck, learning parts department. I could do anything automotive related. And I made six figures doing it. - Tom Segera. - I mean, are you blind or are you just like a pet brain damage? That was the longest fucking answer to that, Jesus Christ. - That was incredible. That's a long resume. - Are you a frontal lobe damage as well? (audience laughing) - I left my car here somewhere. - Anybody that needs their car fixed, if you have a muffler problem and want your oil changed or vice versa. - I'm Brent's lubrication. - He's here for you. All right. - So what about those BJs? All right. (audience laughing) - Princess Robert Duckey, before I let you go, where do you live? You live here in Austin? - I moved here to Austin in November. - Oh, congratulations. What do you love about Austin, Texas? - The accessibility. Like, I moved somewhere, we had no public bus, so we didn't even have freaking sidewalks. Like, I love it here. - Amazing. - We can do everything, go everywhere, and it's been a game changer. - Amazing. Demandists, what do you think about there being a thick white blind woman on this stage right now? (audience laughing) We have to check in with our blind based player, Demandists. - I have a gift for Demandists. - Princess, what'd you say? I really do. I've been carrying this since, like, I went with the mineral of Virginia. - You're looking the wrong way. Look the other way. (laughs) Over here right here to your left princess rubber doggy that is my Kniner cloth keep going keep going keep going a little bit more there you go Let's go some up all right de-madness okay and I'm showing it or my princess rubber ducky shut the fuck up yeah I know you're blind but be a mute for fucking 30 seconds I can't I'm a woman shut up oh low today de-madness what do you think about there being a blind thick white woman on the stage very interesting oh look at that looks like he's struck a note she's 510 125 all right what did you what do you what gift do you have for a de-madness it is a miniature red flag black Jesus oh okay that is a little black Jesus no doubt about it all right well here you go when you get off stage you're gonna walk right by him so there she goes princess rubber ducky ladies and gentlemen the lovely Heidi how about a hand for Heidi huh absolutely killing it our favorite little Parker's beauty see when Heidi came out only thing I thought was is the before and after of a GLP one that's what it is it's the before and after so the blind bitch is before and Heidi is the after I gave her a big joke book just because it seems like it'd be more fun to feel she didn't really earn it but she deserves to touch that leather all right Tony yeah she asked her if she was pregnant oh my god I think she's got a she's got an eight ounce seven pound eight ounce tumor in her belly she might not even have known about it it was a good question by the way she she did look pregnant you were right but what kind of man impregnates the fat blind bitch how bad do you want pussy that you go you know I'm a fuck the blind bitch and then she says she caught a bus how do you know you're even on the bus I'm sorry oh yes this is great Cheryl Underwood has arrived a it's a scorching sports summering you can make all your picks on prize picks the WNBA and baseball are heating up with big tennis slams and major golf tournaments on the horizon you can make your picks for all these events and more all summer long on prize picks America's number one picks app the NBA finals are here but the action doesn't stop when the champion is crowned women's basketball and baseball are heating up so we've got the world's biggest soccer tournament on American soil for the first ever MMA fight on the White House lawn as well make your picks on all these events and more this summer on prize picks America's number one picks app the thing I love about prize picks is how easy it is to fall sports and develop a rooting interest you know I'm not the biggest sports fan but with prize picks I'm making picks on NBA playoffs WNBA soccer and even baseball and prize picks makes it easy to make picks all summer long all I need to do is pick more or less on two to six players stats then I submit my lineup and I fall along with the progress on the app it makes watching the games even more exciting when every goal and every pass could win me money yeah I've been seeing he's been making a lot of money on the WNBA right Tony you know prize picks is available in 50 states including California Texas Georgia and Florida wow that's very interesting red band I did not know that legacies are on the line in the 2026 NBA finals get in on the action with your biggest NBA games of the season and make your picks on everything from points rebounds to dunks three pointers and fantasy score before the NBA champion is crown prize picks is a preferred partner of the NBA download the app today news code Tony to get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup again download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5 prize picks the preferred partner of the NBA all right your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen we're gonna meet them all together goes by the name one minute uninterrupted going to max I'm up everybody max I'm what's up Austin I'm here in Texas visiting my girlfriend she's from Texas she's kind of like a pit bull she's like slim sturdy she's loyal and she loves playing with balls she's like the airbud of playing with my balls like you've heard of the throat goat she's the scroat goat Tony's like sorry so the first time her and I went out we went out to a hot tub and I I like passed out all the all the blood was like not going to my brain and I passed out she woke me up she took her and she's like I need to take you home she's I'm gonna make sure you're okay tonight she takes me home shows me this like scroat goat thing she's got going on she's making sure I'm okay she's like how many fingers am I holding up like two she's like and how many fingers so I have in your ass I'm like three I don't know Jesus fucking Christ max I'm I mean what the fuck was that what in the absolute you know how bad you have to suck for us all to hope that the not pregnant blind fucking woman was back up here you make her look like a fucking genius have you ever tried stand up before did you prepare for this at all grab the microphone you fucking numb nuts Jesus Christ almighty what the fuck are you doing signing up for this show telling a half a regular sex story what I thought it was funny I thought it was funny she thought it was funny it's a new thing we made up today but okay yeah great I'm glad you're running your fresh ideas by us here in front of millions of people that's great Max how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy about a year okay how often do you do this not a lot like twice a month maybe twice a month and here you are on the biggest show in the industry with 250 some people waiting and hoping some of them totally ready to be a breakout star and here you are taken up a spot for something you thought of today because your girlfriend shoves fingers up your ass I mean how fucking stupid is that why don't you tell us one joke that you wrote before today so that we can judge you off of something other than that dog shit bullshit that that set was shittier than your girlfriend's fingers unbelievable do it just a quick joke do your quickest shortest joke that you wrote I'm like I'm so old now my favorite drug used to be mushrooms now it's ibuprofen let me tell you something this isn't for everybody it's just not like that is just a fact that's not even a joke whatever you in your girlfriend ever you guys do drugs or something you guys on crystal math or something what are you guys doing over there a lot of ibuprofen okay well still you just know how to take the energy in a room and absolutely squeeze a dry let's check in with the great Cheryl and if you're gonna tell I'm so old joke and the punch line is what did you say it was ibuprofen change it to Valsarden change it to something that old people take right and then I make it a better joke I don't think he was I think the material was lacking we could tell you a nervous right and when the way you were describing your girlfriend I thought you was talking about the blind bitch because that's why I kept pointing back there are y'all comedy team of some kind of shit no I don't know her and have you now or ever been a gay man because I know you come harder when you stick the finger in the anus look at the all the dick suckers know what I just say right because you stick the finger in the and you do the real okay too much for basically the blind guys now tap at me on my shoulder but I think I think you could you got to get better a better at it and who are you running these jokes by your girlfriend yeah run it by somebody else other than her yeah cares about you so she not gonna say kill yourself okay perfect advice absolutely correct I agree with the doctor Cheryl underwoods diagnosis let's check in with Tom cigarette yeah I mean look man that that it's okay it's you know it was it was rough you know that was rough everybody has rough says the only thing that I would tell you that is crazy is that you were like I'll just throw this together today you know I mean like even if you've only been doing it for a couple years and twice a month you should come to this prepared with like your best because this is a great opportunity but you'll know leaving here that if you have other opportunities you got you got to come correct and if you're going to run some I don't think buy somebody like that, run it by a comedian who will be like, "What the fuck are you talking about?" (audience laughing) Because it's just some anecdotal story. You know what I mean? It was lacking because you threw it together today. You could actually, if you ran that this week like six times, you would know, I'm fucking not doing that. Kill Tony, you know what I mean? So you have to just do the work. What's up to do it? You gotta do the work. You know you bad when white men turn on you. (audience laughing) The black woman was trying to help you, but the white dudes turned on you. But I would say be careful running it by a comic 'cause a really good comic could take that material and make it great. So try to, when I do, I say things around people naturally. And if they laugh, then it's a keeper. If they don't laugh, then you gotta go back and restructure the joke. And get some joke books. And study your favorite comedians' mechanics. Not the material, the mechanics. 'Cause what you need is stage presence. Bad material with great stage presence leads you to better material. That's true. Great, great advice. And here's one of those little joke books. So you can get started. Gonna write one joke at a time on each page. There goes Max, everybody. Max, I'm 'em. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. One minute on and are up to going to Nilo Mac. Can't everybody, here comes the Nilo Mac. Man, that was the perfect intro music, guys. Thank you very much, trailer hench. It is Nila Mac. I thought I had a better chance with a stupid fucking name. Lately, I've been reflecting on the golden age of American advertising. You know, when nice, gently dressed white folks explained if you got a fucking problem at your house, here's a fucking thing that will help you deal with your fucking thing. And this won't help you better than the other fucking things. And then the husband comes down for a cup of coffee. Thank you, honey. This coffee tastes like absolute shit. You stupid fucking bitch. I thought we already had this conversation twice. This country will be great again one day, dammit. There is a man, commercials today. It's just a bunch of dancing black folks. How did that happen? How the fuck do you-- [LAUGHTER] Do you need to do some more, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my bad. Look at this dancing block. I played, I was at the movies. I thought I was at the movies. Uh-oh. You know, black, white, blue, blue, green, cycle. What's for the spring cycle? Tumble, dry. OK. Do you need financing on an all-new certified pre-earned Hyundai Sonata, good credit back credit, no credit, no problem. Hop aboard the sole train. I'm going to let you down the drain. We got you. Hold on, all right. Neil and Mack, hold on. Damn. OK, let's take a one step at a time here, because I don't-- I don't think I understood anything you said the entire time. So the first thing was you said your name and you said that you thought you'd have a better chance of the weird name. What does that mean? Explain to us all what you mean. I don't know. My regular name's not very good for comedy. My first name's Joel, so-- How many times have you signed up as Joel? I've been signing up as Joel for like a year and a half and a-- For a year and a half and you haven't gotten pulled, no. And you think because you changed your name to Neil and Mack with the Instagram handle Joel Tyree, you think that because my hand went in there and you picked just a different fake name that it got pulled like that. Oh, yeah. It's a good juju, baby. OK. Well, juju's, I do believe, run show business, but from what I've been told. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. Somebody else was here. I wasn't here. Michael Blackston was here. I wasn't here. I love that you said Blackston. Michael Blackston. We do have the clan in Missouri, but sundown's different. It's all daisy dukes and showtune. Nothing you say makes any sense. Yeah. No. No. No, it doesn't. We're trying our best here with you. So should I-- can I call you Joel from here on out? Sure, go ahead. Your actual name. So Joel, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Yeah. What do you do for a living? Oh, well, right now I make donuts. Well, looks like you're getting high on your own supply, my friend. Oh, right. Holy shit. Pretty sure you're on your way to type two diabetes. Yeah. Well, I want to lose both feet. I'm so smart. I'm a doctor, basically. Are you pregnant? [LAUGHTER] Red band. With a big one, where's your good joke sound effects? Come on, let's do it. When red band gets-- he has a special sound effect. Come on, where is he? So bad at his job. He doesn't even know where it is. Come on. [LAUGHTER] All right, good enough. That'll work. How long have you been making donuts for, Joel? A couple months. OK. And what made you get into the donut industry? Well, I got-- I used some savings, and I booked a few of my own gigs at like Poe Donk Little Biker bars, kind of between Houston and Dallas. I didn't fill the seats, so I just kind of ran myself broke. It looks like you'd be good at filling seats. Yeah. So now you're in the donut industry. Can you tell us something that would surprise us about making donuts? No, I'm not actually hired yet, boy. What? I am unemployed. Ooh, anybody hiring? So wait, you don't make donuts for a living? No. You just-- I live. Whoa, crazy. OK, can you tell us anything real about you? Oh, well, I am from Missouri. OK, I used to work in a factory. Now I don't. How long have you been unemployed for? Well, a few months. OK, how much money do you have saved? Maybe like 1,500 bucks. What's your rent? Like 900. How do you survive? Well, I got a few things to sell. Like what? Booty how? Temper-peedy. [LAUGHTER] Damn. I'm sorry. I ain't going to say shit out to you, because you look like a motherfucker will kidnap a bitch and wear my skin. Let the American show I would not do that. I was wondering did the blind bitch grow a beard backstab? [LAUGHTER] But I'm going to say shit out to you. Oh, I don't think I'm playing Wednesday. I'm a hostage, this is my fuck. Just be careful. If I take my girdle off and get the iguana eyes going, wow, Joel, you are out of your mind. Holy shit. God damn. OK, so I'm going to-- I'm trying here, Joel. What are you selling in order to stay alive and make your rent? In real life, without lying, with an unfunny lie. Yeah, exactly. Right, try your best just to be honest. It's a temper-peedy mattress. You're going to sell your mattress. Yep. And then what would you sleep on? I guess the floor. Wow. That's your plan right now? Yep. A well-broken and temper-peedy mattress. Barely used. But with this ass-- OK, all right. Well, I mean, we're just going to keep it moving along here. Yeah, this isn't-- here you go. Here's a little-- And great night. You too, Joel. Here's a little joke, book. There you go. It's OK. All right, there goes Joel, everybody. All right, the bucket is rough so far. We've been on this journey before. It's a real show. Anything can happen. Every regular, every golden second winner was found out of this bucket. Anything can happen. Your fourth bucket pull up the night. On a night or rough bucket pull so far. Goes by the name of Blix Hanson, everybody. Here we go. [APPLAUSE] Hello, everybody. So pepper spray sucks, especially when it explodes in your sex toy drawer. Yeah, it's no good. You can imagine how my shade of white would handle something like that. Not very good. But luckily, it wasn't one of my toys. It was one of her toys. And it was a butt plug. Unfortunately, we didn't catch it in time. It was the worst or best episode of Hot Winds you've ever seen, because she's on top. And she's like, what's wrong? Something burns. Something burns. But I knew exactly to go for that glass of milk right away. So I got that and a turkey baster. And yeah, she down that milk pretty quick. And I did have to get her a second glass. It was a bad night. And that's my time. I'll give you this. You did exactly 58 seconds. That's good. Time was good. You had exactly one funny moment in the mix, which, believe it or not, is better than the three people that were on in front of you. Oh, thank you. Incredible. So that really happened? Or you just genuinely happened? Wow, so just out of curiosity, what's in your drawer of sex toys? How is pepper spray in the mix exactly? Yeah. So I'm from Maryland. OK, that answers all the questions. There you go. That's all I needed to know. Now we all picture it. Yeah. All right. No, go ahead. Tell us more. And I moved to New York. It was in New York for five years, always felt safe. But then when I moved back to Maryland, I moved to Baltimore. And oh, shit. It has a reputation. Yeah, that was what I fell asleep to, but I didn't feel safe in Baltimore at all couldn't sleep for the first six months, so I took pepper spray and mounted it on a place on a wall on all three floors, just in case. You lived in a three-story place in Baltimore? Brownhouse. What? Brownhouse. Brownhouse. Brownstone. Brownstone. Okay. But what do you do for work? One was, but I changed things on the internet for a living. Interesting. Yeah. Like what? What do you change? Anything that people pay me to change. So I manipulate algorithms for a living. So if you want to show up at the top of Google for something, we can do that. Or if you want to show up not at all on Google, I can do that. Interesting. All right. That makes sense. So I play with, I can see the whole internet search history. So are you a white hat? Are you considered a white hat? Are you a good guy? White hat is a long-term thing. I'm a gray hat. Yeah. Yeah. So I like to think I'm like gray. What is a white hat and a gray hat? I can't say it in front of him. He'll wipe out my whole identity. That'd be really hard to do. You're just always coming hard. Listen. Well, let me tell you what. I thought your material was interesting, because I can see where you were going. And that's the key to telling provocative stories like this. You gave me the feeling of, you're like the boss at the job who fucks the staff. So that they can get promotions. And you were like, you want me to do what? Yeah, manipulate people. For sure. I got that too. That's what I felt. It was primarily just me, so just me doing that too. How do we do in Sanato? What did you say? Oh, this is the first time ever. Wow. Look at that. That's incredible. Really. Amazing. Yeah, that's. That's incredible. Yeah. No shorts. You can't wear shorts. Never again. Never again. Never again. You're one and done. You got it. That's your only reason you're getting away with it. Okay. You cannot do that. I appreciate it. It's offensive to everybody. I'm sorry. It is true. I was like, hey, Spacey was in, where he was the creepy father. Oh, that's you. That's you. That's what you make me feel. You are the creepy father. I don't want everybody to get Kevin Spacey vibes for me. I do. I know you're writing for Rose. He had a big drawer of sex toys too. It turns out. He had a reputation in New York. For what? So before I went full-time in marketing, I was in Michelinstar restaurants. Uh-huh. There was a reputation among servers that they get propositioned. Male servers got hit on by Kevin Spacey. That makes sense. Yeah. Financially. Yeah. What do you mean financially? Like, writing. This for that. So did it. But that's just hearsay. Just hearsay. It's okay. Come on. Kevin's had a fucking hard enough time. Let's not break it. Yeah. Exactly. So let's get back to the pepper spray in the sex toys. Do you have pepper spray on all three floors? Yeah. And with the milk and the booty hoe. Yeah. Okay. So how did the pepper spray get on the butt plug? So where it was mounted, it was behind the headboard. Uh-huh. And unknowingly that had been jostled loose. And the person that I was with at the time, picked it up off the floor and put it in a nightstand. Which also. And your plan. Let's just say there was an intruder in your three-story home. And they made it all the way up to the third story. You grabbed the pepper spray behind the headboard and spray them. And now you're getting the shit beat out of you by a guy. That's all spicy and hot and very mad. And then what would you possibly do after he completely beats the shit out of you and is taking a shower in your shower? No, you would be hot from the pepper spray after his hands that have been sprayed. Beat the shit out of your face. Because he would immediately grab you. And since you're wearing shorts, we know. It probably you cannot find that. Reliving that night all over again. Yeah. All right. Did you ever get assaulted or anything? No, the pepper spray kept them all the way, huh? Yeah. That was more for her because she could use that shotgun. Okay, well, you had a shotgun. Oh, very good. There you go. That's that makes more sense. So you never had no danger in body more? You never had a problem? Um, it was like six months after I left that house that got broken into. That's not a problem for you. You fucking gone. Yeah, I was gone. Yeah. Was there ever a time in which you heard a little racket downstairs and you grabbed the shotgun and kind of sat there pointed it at the door? Yeah. How many times do you think that happened, Voltaar? I, I, I, I, I, I, uh, uh, Plenty of times out of five years. At least half a dozen. Wow. But like, I, I was also fortunate. I had a little garden in the back. And that caused a lot of noise because Baltimore as rats. Ah, not as big as New York. Right. Got it. Yeah. There's the sound of a rat for those of you wondering what that was. You in Baltimore, one of the blackest cities in the world, you was living in Baltimore. So either you are insurance man, you insurance man or undercover cop, which one are you? What do you think? Wow. I already told you I messed with the internet. I just think you're fascinating. I think you're oddly fascinating. And I would say not stand up acting. Acting. Yes. Okay. I think you are quirky personality. That could be a great actor. But stand up. I agree and knock the, uh, pepper spray bell plug on your next season. No, no, no. No, you, you first of all, you're not going to shoot peppers toward a black person. And you're not sticking nothing in my butt. Not you. I was talking about it. You want me to just. Oh, oh, sorry. I thought you were looking at me. But really, you look at the fucking buck plug and the pepper spray. You've done worse on your show. Your baker is great, by the way. Oh, thanks man. It is true. Yeah, just don't know. Good, good plug for the big. Oh, thank you. Something I found out on the internet. You get around 250,000 searches a month for Tony Hingecliff. Red band gets around 10,000. Okay. What's your point? Something just to stay set straight to everybody. You get more people that inquire if you're gay. Right. Then red band does all together. Right. Definitely. I couldn't start it with that. Very fun. That's what you should start with. That shit right there. That's how you do. That is true. No, it's true. If you go with, if you set up front, I literally manipulate things on the internet and study the internet for a living. And a fun fact that are that like talking about what you know is what stand up kind of it. So there's a little fun fact. You got that big genuine lap for a reason. There's a medium joke. And there goes blitz. Hands in everybody. Our best bucket pool of the night with exactly one half of a punch line in 60 seconds. It is incredible. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi. Keeping us hydrated and everything in place. Stunning check out our podcast at Heidi Regina dot com. And a special shout out to Dylan and the team at sportsmen finest. They gave us a brand new Killtony gun. You guys might notice this is brand new. They make premium outdoor sporting goods right here in Austin, Texas. This is a brand new Golden Colt Python gun. How exciting is that? You guys are the first crowd to lay eyes on the newest Killtony gun. Check them out sportsmen's finest here in Austin. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Longoria. Everybody. Here we go. Man, so I recently went through a breakup. Been going through a dry spell since then. Metal metal woman recently the most beautiful Filipino I've ever met in my life. To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions. Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids? I need to stop with the accent. Red man's getting horny over there. And then she asked me out on a date. But then I realized she asked me if I was from here and I was like, damn, she might be an undercover ice agent. So I panicked, but I did take her up on this date. Like I said, I was on a dry spell on this date. She kept asking questions. So you said you were from here. How long have you been here? Or you born here? I started getting really scared at this point. But then I was really high. And I realized that she wanted to use me for my green card. And I panicked. So I proposed to this woman. She's going to get real pissed off and she finds out I'm not legal either. That's right. Lingly. We have to figure this out together now. Longoria pushing it to the limit. Welcome, Chris. Fun stuff. Thank you. How long have you been on stand up? Two and a half years. We're at Corpus Christi, Texas. Very nice. There's a scene out there in Corpus Christi. We've all been there. We've all tore it out there. I heard good stories about you hitting up Corpus Christi. Yeah. Yeah. We got arrested. Well, no, I didn't get arrested. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We, me and my friend got, I've talked about this on the show before. Because you're being gay, right? Yes. They thought we were gay. They thought me and my good friend Matt Edgar were gay. And, uh, they did arrest the headliner that we were opening for because he's like, "Hey, those are my buddies. What the fuck are you, what are you kicking them out of a waterburger for?" And the cops, like if you say anything else, we're gonna arrest you. And he's like, "Fuck that, these are my friends. I'm taking them to their first waterburger trip." And he's like, "You're under arrest. Long story short, we found out the next day the Chief of Police of Corpus Christi called my buddy because he was friends with the Chief of Police." And he goes, "What's going on? Why did they kick my two friends out?" And he's like, "Well, the officer said a couple (beep) were a wrestling around in the line at the waterburger." Yeah, that was the exact line. We were on speaker phone in the car, cracking up. Our buddies like, "Shut up, shut up." You just got arrested for being a fan? No, no, again, we didn't get arrested. We got kicked out of the waterburger. That's where they were like, "Get him out of here?" My buddy got arrested for basically defending the fucks that were in the waterburger. I was one of the fucks. Cheryl, what probable cause did they have to think that you were getting? Trust me, I felt like you for a second in that waterburger. I'm like, "This is what it's like." I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I also heard a rumor that they were gonna arrest Cheryl's husband, but he jumped off before they could. All right, you're not making jokes like that. See, I was on your side. Sorry, Cheryl, I had to. No, you killed it at the roast. I just had to show you what you killed. You did too, Tony. You all fucked her up. Are you, are you, are you Latin? Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Oh, my God. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll take it. I'll take that. You, what type of Latin man are you? I was born and raised here in America, but a family from Spain and from Mexico as well. Okay, okay. I was just checking to see what it was. And then is it true that a Filipino woman was trying to approach you? Yes. Oh, okay. Well, I would say, I thought you were very interesting when you walked out, 'cause you had a confidence to you. I'd like for the material to rise to the occasion and meet you in that confidence. Tell the story faster, because you don't have a long time to keep the audience's attention, 'cause I didn't understand where you was going, but I knew it was something about immigration. And you could do it, but you took too long to get there. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. Is this something you really want to do, or are you talking around? I'm obsessed with this. And you've been doing it for two years. Yes, ma'am. How do you make money, Chris? I deliver packages. (laughing) Wait, wait, wait. See, the first thing I thought was a bunch of motherfuckers in a 18-willa sweating. But then I was like, don't say it, Cheryl. Because you said you deliver packages. Okay. I used to install security systems, but I really didn't work with me trying to do gigs and stuff. This really works with-- Who the fuck would let you put a security system? Surprising, right? Surprising. People, when I knocked on the door and blight, hey, I'm the guy that says installing your security system, they're like, you're the one that's going to rob me after, aren't you? There you go. Thank you for following with me. See, you got it in you. And you got the skill and the instinct. Now, get the material to match the skill and the instinct. Yes, ma'am. You're not bad at this, you can do it. Appreciate that. Thank you. No, I mean, what Cheryl said is about-- especially when you're telling a story. If you have a minute, the thing you said at the end should be at the 22nd mark, because you just don't have-- You don't have enough time. So you got to just move it along quickly. And there's a whole part of that that I had to cut out to even get to that. Right, right. But if you have the minute, you know you got to move quickly. You got to keep cutting. Absolutely. Chris, why do you have crazy eyes? Are you on Adderall or something? You have crazy, big crazy goofy eyes. What are you on right now? You are fun. Scary. I've been signing up for this for two years. And I'm really nervous. This is your first time on. One guy signed up for a year and a half. One guy signed up for two years. But even the whites above your pupil are showing. What? Yeah. You're on nothing, Adderall. I smoked a little bit of weed to calm down. OK. Also, you did something that some Latin people do. You're like, I got family from Spain. Yeah, I do. I do. My dad says they're off from Spain. I like your bowl. Wait, but where's your dad from? Mexico. We all know the answer. He doesn't know his dad, like, all right. So listen, we didn't know his-- Fucking Mexican, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Tom, absolutely. Simporti, Mexica. I'm a little too dark. You look like you're from Spain. I look like I'm from Mexico. I fucking-- 'cause you are, God damn it. You really are. And I'm being shipped a bit cold. Matthew, also. Matthew. [LAUGHTER] Matthew. No, Sam. All right, you caught me. You caught me. [SPEAKING SPANISH] You're right, you're right. And you're leaving here with a medium-sized brown joke book, just as brown as you are. There he goes. Chris Longori, everybody. Let's get a golden second winner up here real quick. Ladies and gentlemen, we have one waiting in the wings. This guy, originally from England, is just so different than everybody else that we like his style. And every once in a while, he graces us with his extremely dark jokes, makes him noise for the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] Well, I met him to Boston next Monday, and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker, bomb. [LAUGHTER] Oh, no. [LAUGHTER] Well, there's a supermarket over the weekend, and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Gothrey. [LAUGHTER] I'll tell you what you do, see, fucking toddlers. So is this annoying toddler? His parents were oblivious to what he was doing wandering around. He starts running towards me in my shopping cart. Now, I could have been the good guy and moved out the way, but no, I thought I'm going to tease this little bastard. There are consequences for running around at the store. Boy, did he collide with my shopping cart? His glasses came off, my Coca-Cola popped the cups. It's okay though, it'll be good. He would wear one of those white plastic helmets. [LAUGHTER] Sir Winston Pickles, absolutely doing what Sir Winston Pickles does at his best. Absolutely dress for the job you want. A man fully prepared, never in shorts. Always 100% spectacular. A true showman and unbelievably executed, dark your brand of jokes right down the barrel. How do you feel, Sir Winston Pickles? I'm just happy to be here, Tony. Absolutely. Fantastic stuff. Love the jokes. That's all good. The Nancy Guthrie really got me. Love that. Real Mr. Eck there. Did not see that coming. What's your process, Sir Winston Pickles? Do you write in the makeup or do you write? Bit of balls, Tony, I know. Not me write jokes while I'm out the supermarket, believe it or not. Yeah, it's fucking material is just gold. Right. No, it happens. There's a lot going on at the supermarket. I very rarely get a chance. Do you go to the actual supermarket? Do you just-- Of course I do. You do? Almost four times a week, bro. Wow. You're something else. All right. Sir Winston, how's America treating you? Have you gone back to England recently at all? Not recently, no. I'm actually trying to get back down to my ideal fighting weight. Oh, yeah. But my ideal fighting weight is 10 pounds eight ounces. When I was a maternity ward boxing champion, 1965. All right. OK, that's one so wacky one. That's a wacky one there, Sir Winston Pickles. I still have my gloves still. Whoa. [LAUGHTER] Absolutely hilarious. Michael Gonzalez could fit into those right now. We have a little guy back there. Look at him. Don't let that hat confuse these. A little fellow. All right. Sir Winston, what else is going on in the world? What else should we know about? Is that a new suit? Have you always had the Sir Winston custom suit? And I just-- Yeah, every suit has these logos. Oh, amazing. Yeah, you're killing it, dude. What else is going on in the world? Anything else crazy we should know about? Well, now in Texas, I got to visit the Alamoel family. Oh, tell us about that. Well, the selection of vehicles sucks. I'm going to enter prize next time. [SCREAMING] He is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look who's back. Hello. So Sir Winston, anything else we should know about? I'm thinking of going back to England for a visit to my family, but it's a bit crazy all there right now. It really is. That's what they're saying. They wanted to be-- they wanted to appear to be open to absolutely anything. They wanted to make it look like anyone can come here. We're just the best. Come on in. The doors are open and explain to the people what happened to a beautiful London, England. Well, it's a shit all, basically. Yes. That's what happens when you don't have proper process. Yes, I didn't let anybody in. I mean, let me back in, so. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Have you guys been to London recently? You've been to London, Cheryl? Oh, wow. Yeah. [BLANK_AUDIO] I had a great time, you know, they had a meat out in the open, hung upside down, you know, rabbits and all kind of shit. - Oh yeah. - I had a good time, it was fun, it was fun. - Oh, hell yeah. - And then I went to the palace and hung out, you know, outside, didn't let a bitch in. - Right, yeah, I had a good time. But your official tip, what's up with the mesh green peas? What's up with that? - Oh, my potato and mushy peas. - The mushy peas. - Oh, very good. - Can I tell you something? - I got nothing 'cause I thought you were very, very good. I was kind of concerned about that NASA Guthrie joke, but I think you have now taken the Tony Hitchcliff Award for inappropriate material at the wrong time. - That is a good award to have. - Right, yes, yes. But I thought what you did was very good and it was written well and all of this works, all of this. Don't change anything, don't let nobody tell you, take this shit off, take this shit off. This fucking works and I thought you did very, very well. - Thanks very much. - Hell yeah. - Can I just say something, Tony? - Yes. - What I met Cheryl earlier, her hair was flat to her head and she saw me. - Oh, I see. Yes, shocking. - Yes. - Sir Winston, great jokes. I mean, just on brand darkness, you got it. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. - Yeah. - That is one of the golden ticket winners, everybody. - Sir Winston Pickles, and back to the bucket we go. Where we found Sir Winston Pickles, where we found all the greets. Anything can happen. Make some noise to your next bucket bull. Ronnie Fryer, everybody. Here comes Ronnie Fryer. (upbeat music) - Make some noise if you're superstitious. Shit, I guess just me. I don't get what's up with the black cats. What makes them bad luck, right? If you see his bad luck, if it crosses the street is a bad luck, all I do is whenever I see a black cat, I think there goes the neighborhood. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) Believe it or not, I said that joke one time and the lady called me racist. I was like, you would not be saying that if you saw my search history, lady. (audience laughing) Latina's in Asians. (audience laughing) Sorry, baby. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) All right, Ronnie, great stuff. - Thank you. - Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? - Two years. - To everyone, it's a big day for the two-year class today. - Yes, sir. - We're at Ronnie. - Corpus Christi, baby. - Whoa, you're from Corpus 2. Do you know Chris Longoria? - Honestly, do you know Chris Longoria? That's one of my day ones. - Amazing, do you guys drive here together? - No, sir, I actually live here. - Oh, amazing. - Yeah, I moved up about a month ago. - Oh, sweet. - Fucking. - Incredible. - For comedy, love, and rock and roll, man. - We got it all here. What are you doing for work here in Oslo? - Okay, and I came for comedy, don't. - Yeah, but-- - Yeah. - How do you make-- - No, nothing. - How do you make a living? - No, plan B. Yeah. - Hello, little bit of money for our came here. - How'd you make your money? - Ironically, I worked there fucking enterprise, dude. - Wow. - Amazing. - People's the clown was right. (laughing) - And you saved up enough money to move to Austin. - Yeah. - Are you making money doing comedy here? - Uh, I mean, no, right, yeah. - Exactly. - So what's your living situation? Explain to these people what it's like chasing your dreams here. - And on a Monday, I come up to Killtony and, you know, usually when I don't get pulled, I go, I go stay at night at Bucky's, dude. Fuck yeah, the gas station in Texas. - Yeah. Okay, what else? I'm at the other six days a week. - I've been air being beaten lately. - Okay. - So, and then hotel hop in just trying to, came to Austin for comedy. So this is what I'm here for. - Have you thought about settling down and finding a roommate or something like that since you're living off of saved rental car money? - Um. - Have you thought about pumping the brakes on all the fancy hotels and air being bees and perhaps being more fiscally conservative? - I don't know if you think the super eight is fancy, sir, but (laughing) I mean, you know, time in a place. If something comes available, you know, but I'm here to do comedy and I got plans and goals and that's what I'm here for. So it's just like, I don't want to get stuck in a least long term, you know, just. - Okay. - Never know where comedy's gonna take you. - Okay, perfect, sting light on your feet. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Any hobbies or interesting fun facts about Ronnie Fryer? - So, it's gonna sound cool. In my past, I knocked up a stripper. - Uh-huh. (laughing) - Sounds so cool. - Um. - We all wish we did that. - Um. (laughing) - What could possibly go wrong? (laughing) - I was thinking. - Yeah. - And then what happened? (laughing) - And then what happened? - And then, let's see, about three months old, I was left with my son, and, you know, she went and lived her whole life, you know, she went on, lived her own life, and I've been raising my son by myself. - That's amazing. - For how long now? - He's nine now. - Wow. So, for, is that what, and now, that's incredible. - Thank you. - That is a, that's amazing. Cheryl, that's called being a single father. That's something you may have never heard of. - Wait a minute, it's like something you've never seen. Like, big foot, single father, taking care of the child in an Airbnb. Go ahead. (laughing) That's kind of dick we want. Am I right, ladies? That's what we want. - Where's your boat? Where's your kid? - My son's grandma was watching, I was like, "Oh, okay, oh, that's great." - He's at the fucking super rate. - Yeah, right, right. (laughing) - Out of the ear. (laughing) - I didn't know. - No, you know what, you have great stage presence. It's great. When you walked out, like, I was like, "Oh, this guy's been doing it a while." Like, you have great stage presence, and your jokes were great, dude. That was very funny. - Thank you. - That was very, very funny. Like, you gotta just do a ton of open, you gotta do all the mics, and all the shows you can get on. - Yes, sir. - Let me ask you a question, 'cause I find it also intriguing. - Is the former stripper ever part of the kid's life? - No, she's in prison right now. - Okay, what did she do? - Yeah, that's dope. - What did she go to prison? - What did she do? What did she do? - Look at arm robbery. - Wow, amazing. - Fucking hot. - Amazing, what do you know? What do you know about the arm robbery? Can you describe the details of what you know? - So, allegedly. (laughing) - Well, allegedly. - Convictively. - Yeah. (laughing) - How'd she plead? How'd she plead? - Guilty. (laughing) Gotta plead that shit out. - Yeah. - So, she, someone owed her money, and her and her friend decided to rob him and cash out her self-money. - Wow. - What's her Instagram? - All right. - That's a crazy question. - I cannot tell you some, that's the show. - Oh yeah. - That's the sitcom. That's the sitcom. Nobody can say you stole that shit from them. That's the show that you knocked up a stripper. You keep the baby and she robbed somebody to get money. I'd watch that shit every month of fucking day. - Yeah. (laughing) - Thank you, thank you. - She was a top 10 corpus Christi most wanted, so. - It was that. - Wow, how long was she eluding the police? - Ah, dude, too long. I was like, what the fuck? You guys gotta do a better job, right? - Yeah. - She's at the strip club on a pole. - Was she really on the run? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Come on. Fucking like, I was like six months to a year, yeah. - Damn. - Yeah, yeah. - Do you know where she was hiding? - She got caught on a ferry. - Wow. - Oh. - Oh. - Wow, yeah, she was on top of me in the area or at like somewhere else. - In a corpus, yeah. - Oh, in corpus. - Wow, look at that. - Fucking marshals are after you. That's fucking cool. - Incredible. - And then when she dropped off your son at three months old, what did she say? I just can't do this anymore. I can't do the, like what was the type of verbiage that she used? Oh, you know, she didn't want to be with me and you know, she wanted to go go explore other options. - Right. - So, and you know, do what girls like that do? (laughing) - And what have you learned by having your own nine-year-old? What do you guys bond a lot? Like how often do you keep them with your mom? - So, I raised them for the first seven years and then, you know, I was playing mom and dad. And then, you know, I needed to, I need to find something else for myself, like, right? Besides. - Right. So this kid's been abandoned twice. (laughing) Unbelievable. (laughing) I've made high-good kids. - No. (laughing) - Maybe he's a single black father after all. And we thought he was a white father. (laughing) - Yeah, sure. They do call me white chocolate. (laughing) - Amazing, amazing. - I like how you, you really took in the applause about you being a great dad. (laughing) - I'm a great dad. - I know. - And then, you're like a couple of years ago, I let him go. - Oh, no. (laughing) - No, your mom is a great dad. - That's what's happening. (laughing) It's this baby mama's grandma. Okay, maybe mama. The plot thickens. Wow and her grandma. It's her grandma. Yeah in Corpus Yes, sir. All right. Wow. Okay. How often do you talk to this kid the sick every day? I just drove back yet today. Okay. I see him every other week and like I'm a good dad despite what Tom said fucking He's nine. I've been raising him since he was three months and everybody was like you're the fucking dad of the year When he was seven, I gave him to his fucking grip Amazing Ronnie Fryer. You had a great set great interview. That's what it's all about buddy. There's a big joke Hell yeah All right, now we're cooking One more time for Ronnie Fryer everybody and this show goes on I do believe this is He's inside or he's back there. Okay. This was this is representing the correct audience tonight This guy was inside and signed up make some noise for G-POW everybody here comes G-POW I know I look like I build benches and stress tests and with my ass I Know I look like a carpenter sleep paralysis demon What do you mean there's a weight limit? I'm getting to the size now where my clothes have no name brands anymore These suspenders guys you've seen them holding down a dresser in the back of your buddies to come up come on These are load-bearing guys come on I've been trying to do something about it. I've been going to over eaters anonymous, you know, it's like AA for you know beautiful people It's not working. It's really not working Fuck It's really not you did it. Oh first visit guys. They give you a gold coin as a commemorative thing And I immediately tried to pull the foil off the outside of it Not for me What a set welcome my friend. Thank you hell yeah those Suspenders are indeed working right now. Those are Functional as it gets. I mean just amazing G-POW welcome. How long you been doing stand-up about 18 months now? Okay, hell yeah, amazing You're doing fantastic all of it here in Austin, Texas. I started up in New Jersey and then I moved down here about eight months or so Nice, what made you start now? How old are you? I'm 33 what made you start at 32? Honestly, I got a great girlfriend and she's the one who said, you know, you're you might just be funny enough to do something I love that amazing so she moved down here with you. Yeah, she did and there's a I'm in a unique relationship guys Guess what an age gap relationship is? Yeah So again, I'm 33 and there's 17 years between us. Oh, yeah, so she's She's not 16 you fucking That's what the fuck I thought I'm a 50 year old woman guys come on Well, I'm sorry. I thought you was dating a 16 year old Look at that. What's it like being with a 50 year old woman? Oh God if you guys haven't done it, you should do it Tell us about it. What's it like that? It's a great time because you know like young girls are so fucking needy, you know and She cooks good So wait a minute Are you telling me you are fucking a 50 year old black woman? Is that what you're talking? I mean her exes are black so she got the seasoning somewhere hell. Yeah, great answer jeepow Great answer Jeepow, what do you do for work? I work at Trader Joe's whoa look at that What the hell are you doing at Trader Joe's samples? Can you tell? Amazing amazing jeepow Incredible and how about her? What is the 50 year old do Tony? You're gonna love this. Oh, yes. Let's go I mean does that cause any conflict in the household the rivalry between HB and Trader Joe's it looks like you're winning both stores No complaints you look like the boss at the end of HB the video game This is incredible so jeepow, what are you eating take us through like a day? What what are some of your guilty pleasures? What do you got going on over there my girlfriend hates this, but she'll tell me there's dinner at home and I still stop at peteries Wow Hell yeah, what's your order of peteries? What's your go-to? Oh, I'm a number two kind of guys the cheeseburger fries. I don't get the lettuce tomato because that's just salad Amazing and I get the cookie for a dollar. Why not? Take note my horn player is playing fat man music over there There it is Oh, yeah, that's what we have a trombone player for Amazing jeepow absolutely incredible now is being big in your runs in your family Is that like a genetic thing it sure does yeah, it's the interesting thing about it Those my dad used to be 350 pounds and now he's like a bodybuilder for a living how did he do it? Divorce ah I'll do it That'll do it and are you married to this 50-year-old now? We're just dating she did the whole marriage thing she ain't into it anymore right right that makes sense I am a step-grandfather, though Oh, wow, okay Oh my goodness a step-grandfather My goodness that is incredible. Do you get to see your step-grandkids? I'm mixed. I'm not black Wait, what is I'm confused? See you was doing so good. Yeah, you say it best you ride up Yes, I see them often. I see them every night. Yes. They live with you. They do. Yeah, wait a second was her daughter wants a stripper? This is all coming full circle here There's something cooking It's a small world Gee pal tell us another fun fact about your life that we might find interesting you're such a yeah, I mean People don't realize it looking like this, but I am mixed race really. What is yeah? So my dad is half black. He's Palestinian and white so he's a victim Look at Cheryl pretending and she doesn't get that joke Amazing what else jeep how many hobbies or anything that would surprise us uh Well, I'm not oh I don't have any pants. I have a sea monkey, which is pretty interesting just one. Yeah, that's the thing right? Yeah Because normally they come in thousands, but for some reason there's like one in the jar with these giant balls. I I don't know. It's just weird to me because what happened to the rest of them? I didn't eat them. Okay, stop thinking that I don't eat sea monkeys Tom cigar. What do you think about jeep how you did a podcast with them for a long time? Why are you wearing your shirt all of a sudden Yeah, don't let me finish the sentence Pro That was so I was so funny you were you were so funny um just know like you you you you definitely can can go far in this Uh, I wanted to hear you you know what you had the joke you're like I'm my closest so maybe there's no labels And then you had then you did the joke about the suspenders, but I want to even hear before you get the suspenders Explain more about no Like just know that you can exhaust that because that's such a funny thing that clothes doesn't have labels You know like I want to hear about it and then you can you can wrap it up with the suspenders stuff But like you know, I mean like you can exhaust those topics, but dude like so funny like great joke writing you by far stood out So so funny. Yeah. Yeah also If you lose 50 pounds you'll You'll still be fucking huge. So don't think that like, oh, I can't lose any weight. Otherwise, like, you can lose 100 and the neighborhood will be like, that's the biggest fucking guy I've ever seen. You'll still be funny in that regard. Don't think you can't. That's what I told the other guy too. But you need one more-- you need one more joke, because I write in a rule of three. One, two, three, boom. One, two, three, boom, because it'll change your cadence. So you need one more joke, because the killer joke is the suspenders holding down. That's the killer one. The one in the front is a good joke. The one in the middle is a great joke. Then it's the killer that lays them out and then you move to your next topic. But what I feel, it's John Goodman. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a lot. Thank you. Feel that. Oh. That is true. Red band. I'd love to have you on the secret show, Thursday. Boom. You just got booked on a real show. Here's a big joke, but boom. Cheepow, ladies and gentlemen. Cheepow getting booked on a real show. He moved to Austin, Texas. And now he's on the secret show on Thursday. These are the types of dreams coming true. You guys are in first special tree right now. How many of you guys have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, you'll be very excited to know that one of our whole of famous members is right behind that curtain. A regular famous for his unbelievable writing and roasting in everybody. I present to you one of the most legendary regulars in the history of the show known for roasting everybody and the panel and the band and anybody who e-lays eyes on makes the noise for the one and only David Lucas every single day. [MUSIC PLAYING] Yeah, I'm the last nigga in blackface. I'm dating a white girl now. What I have realized is that white women really love their dogs. I do believe if white women could give birth to dogs, they would. It's so weird. Like, I'm talking with this white bitch. And she got one of them little small bullshit ass dogs. And I was at her house the other day and I was eating her pussy with my fucking ass in the air on her bed. And her fucking dog jumped on the bed. And I'm like, hey, bitch, lock this nigga his fucking cage. Because if he lick my ass, there's over with her. I knew I should have laid down a sniper position to eat that bitch pussy, brother. That's the best position to eat pussy fucking sniper nigga, because you can fucking clinch your ass cheeks and get some extra horsepower in your time, you know? I'm a Christian. I do believe in God. But I also believe in reincarnation. And I pray to God like once a month. I'm like, God, if reincarnation is real, please don't let me come back as a nigga again. Please, I can't do this shit. It's too old. I'd rather come back as a white person's dog. That's what the fuck I want to come back as a fucking schnauzer named Winston, you know? Because a white person's dog is the best treated fucking animal on this fucking planet, though. That's what a God. And then I think about it. I'm like, shit, I might want to come back as a rescue pit bull, because like niggas would buy me. And then they would abandon me. And then I end up in a shelter. And some lesbians would adopt me. Then when she trusts me, I'd kill her. All right, that's my time. Everybody look a second. David Lucas has done it again. Welcome back, my friend. What an amazing set. Two minutes and 10 seconds, you worked harder than you had to. Taking all that energy, you don't spend at the gym and utilizing it here on Kill Tone. Trying to wear camo pants to blend in the fact that you're built like an ice cream cone. Small at the bottom. Bigger as you go up. The A's therapy is killing you, nigga. Look how rad that nigga face is, bro. You are sweating bullets up here, right now, David. What is going on? Nightingale, shit, chill. You've been hanging out with that blind pregnant thick white woman in the back. I got money now, nigga. I don't fuck fat bitch with no money. He had to catch me six years ago. If she 280, she ain't my lady. Tommy Cheryl looked like the first interracial couple to go to prom. And Tone looked like the girl that Tone actually fucked that night. You are outblazer, man, you know what I'm playing here? Hell yeah, Tone, you fucking historian, nigga. You are hilarious, David. You are a master roaster. You helped write for the roast of Kevin Hart. You little fun fact. All the races, jokes. I don't know if you did all of them. Yeah, I made all the Cheryl jokes. I was just playing. I love Cheryl. I've been watching you since I was a kid, but you're still gorgeous. Yeah, I don't know how many of you always watch Cheryl, but she's so black. She doesn't break her purse on stage. That's so weird. She has had it on her lap the entire show. She has not let it leave. And you know what's funny is I was telling it was Joe Rogen. I'm ready to jog. Well, Joe Rogan in the green room, before the roast, actually said fun fact about Cheryl Underwood, she always keeps her purse on her. And I'm like, what, really? And then ever since then, you've had your purse on you. Here's something white people don't know. Cheryl, what's the black rules for the purse? You can't put it where? Can't put it on the floor. Yes. That's a black rule. Why is that? Can you explain that to us? You lose all your money if you put it on the floor. Oh, shit. Black people have so many fucking, like, we're the most superstitious, religious motherfuckers in the world. Like, there's a black superstition. Like, if somebody is sweeping and they sweep your feet, you got to spit on the broom or you go to the jail. What? That's right. That's right. So, maybe somebody swept George Floyd's feet and they-- Oh, God. Come on. Negative dance. See, David. I was joking. Sure, I knew that. I was going to get you. That's what I was saying. Look. Yeah. Okay. And I see the Floyd family ain't no punks. They got hands. I know. I know. Look. I had an instance with them. But that shit cost me like $15,000. All right. Let's stop talking about the Floyds. Let's talk about how black people are the original gypsies. Like, yeah. Tell us more. I want to know more of these black superstitions. We were on this side. And if a bird flying your house, somebody's going to die. Yeah. Oh, shit. You can't whistle in the house after trying down. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Don't sit on my bed. You can't sit on the bed. Outside clothes. Yes. You can't wash on Sundays or you're going to wash somebody out your family. Yes. I should make a book. Oh my God. This is an incredible list. Also intriguing. I was in my buddy's house on Saturday and a fucking bird flew in. Well, that's scary. You have AIDS. Well, I mean, you're out of control. You're out of control. Oh my God. Oh my God. I love Tony. Tony, I just wrapped my first four linked movie dog. They found me from Kill Tony, Brad. Wow. That's incredible. Johnny DeMajors is in there, bro. It comes out in October, November, yeah. OK. I filmed it in the worst city possible, nigga. Like, motherfuckers. I was in Gaffney, South Carolina. motherfuckers there. They don't know that slavery is over. Like, what? And they're like, what are you doing here, boy? That's like the peach capital or something like that? How'd you know? Yeah. They had because house of cards. Uh-huh. I'm a big fan of the head actor Kevin Spacey. So. I mean, and he is the senator from Gaffney. I do believe in that. We need it, bro. The best restaurant there is Cracker Barrel. Yeah. What do you get from Cracker Barrel when you go there? You look like the barrel, so. You look like the cracker. [LAUGHTER] We still got it. We still got it. Fun fact. A fun fact. David Lucas and I have the record for the two people in the world that have made fun of each other the most. Yes. That's out there. That's an actual fact. And like, that you can watch recorded history. There's towers and hours and hours of us going back and forth. And you got the fastest torques in the second seconds. The fastest, what? Torques. Will you be shaking your booty? Oh, OK. Well, you have the slowest, obviously. Fucking sluggish ass mother fucker. I love this little homosexual thing. Amazing. I can't imagine how much weight that dog gain by eating the dingleberry is hanging from your backside. I can't even imagine that dog ate good. Kibble's ambits. [LAUGHTER] Some of that Purina puppy child back there. Lord only knows what's going on back there. That's why you're wearing camo. I'm letting the nigga that guy bit by. a gay vampire roast me. (laughing) - All right, well. - Sheryl, you don't age, baby, you're beautiful. That is amazing, Evan. - It is true. I had to change my jokes on the spot before the roast 'cause you did look so good, and I thought you were gonna wear weave, and then you came out with that beautiful head of hair. (laughing) I was gonna say, I did have a joke like planned about what hair you would be wearing, and then you had that, and I had to change it to Lafay Taffy in a dryer. (laughing) I had changed my whole thing. - Why you talking about me being on the talk show? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. - Oh yeah, that was fun. - That was funny, that was funny. - Tony, so most black women with money don't wear weave anymore, they wear wigs. - Oh, what's the difference between a weave and a wig? - A weave is sewn in or glued in, and a wig covers your whole head, kind of like when you get to dig something by your boyfriend. - Oh, okay, perfect. Oh, now I get it. (laughing) - I didn't understand what you were saying. He's like, "Bom, I'm on fire." You son of a bitch. (laughing) David Lucas, we love you. Everybody loves you. The legend, the Hall of Famers. (audience cheering) David Lucas. And now we go back to the bucket. We're coming up on it, folks. We are coming around that corner. Oh, what a beauty. The lovely Heidi. All right, we got another bucket pool coming in hot. Make some noise, 60 seconds. Uninterrupted for David Hall, everybody. Here we go. (upbeat music) - Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am a bunch of white privilege. Let me tell you, I'm born in Africa, so it technically makes me African-American. That must make some of you a little uncomfortable or excited, (laughing) depends on the day. What didn't help was my mother was a fantastic drug smuggler. - I was the meal. So you can imagine a little boy, beautiful, lots of cocaine, borders, straight through. I just kept doing it. I grew up, and I was like, oh, this white privilege seems to work. And then I get to New York City, and I'm hanging out in the Bronx, and my friends go, you got a little too much white privilege. I'm like, but I'm African-American. They kick my ass. (audience laughing) But after that, we went out, and they really saw the white privilege. A little slide of the $20 bills, so we don't have to wait in line. A little slide of the $10 bill at the bar, 'cause I'm running out of money, so I don't have to wait in line. And then at the end of the day, I'm asking them for money, and they go, shit. (crickets chirping) - Maybe you are African-American. (audience laughing) - Okay, David Hall. So what do you mean you're African-American? You were born in Africa? - Yeah. - Really? What part? - In Nairobi. - Okay, and two obviously white parents? - One corpus Christi Texas mom. - Uh-huh. - Lied to me her whole life and told me she was a Cherokee Indian. - Uh-huh, they do that. Go ahead. And father was English. - Wow, amazing. What's up with your eye? (audience laughing) - See, before I came out, I was like, "Do I do the eye joke?" - Or the privilege joke. - So I was working in the mountains. - As you do with a big knife. - As you do. - And a big machine kind of fell, kind of plunged into my eye. - Ah, wait a second. It doesn't hurt. It's just liquid. Now wait, wait, wait. I'm standing there knife in the eye. - This isn't funny. - All right, get to it, David. Come on. - No, that's what I said. - Okay, that's it. - So you lost your eye? - No, no, still there. They put it back together, but not too good. - But it doesn't work. - No, you look like God. Well, how many of there are you? - David, okay, sorry. - So is there a reason why you just walk around with your eye closed instead of wearing a patch or something? - I keep losing it. - You keep losing your eye patch? - Yeah. - Is it doesn't it wrap around your head? - Yeah. - But you have a couple drinks, you're like, "Phew." - Okay. - 'Cause I don't get the eyeball jokes 'cause they put the fucker back in. - You drink a lot, David? - No. - Oh. - Okay, just enough to lose your eye patch a lot. - Yeah. - All right. - I have glasses too, that I spray paint the inside, but then I just sit on them with 'cause they're on my left. - Okay. - Yeah. - Wow. - See? - A lot of glasses. - I was hoping for some pirate jokes or something to go with their eye 'cause the African American shit, we voted and all the black people said, "That shit ain't funny." (audience laughing) - But they haven't seen me naked. - We don't wanna see you naked. - Okay. But I do think you could be, never mind, you can't be. - Well, maybe the next bit will be pirate. I did add gold teeth lately. - Okay, David. - Let's take it one step at a time here. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? - Never done stand-up comedy, but I was in the circus in Paris for five years. - Okay. - So the answer is, this is your first time doing stand-up comedy. Are you a drunker on something? - Just you. - Just you. You're just quiet and kinda shy. - Yeah, I guess for your first stand-up night, bit shy, bit quiet. - Okay. - Next one I'll have a drink. - Well, you was in a real circus. Oh, was you in a carnival? - Contemporary, contemporary circus. - You're for real? - Yeah. - The circus. - Yeah, it's what you drink. - What'd you do? - I presented the show and then I ran the bar afterwards. - So you were the, like, Mr. Loyalla. - Fuck how the circus is that? (audience laughing) - It's like some shit that we black people would do. You know, just get some dogs and shit. Bring this motherfucker out. You go, this is a circus kid. - And that's what they did. - bartender after it. - Yeah, yeah, bartender said it. - So what would a. - You were in a virtual soul, circus, it's like this. - What would happen at your circus? - What type of entertainment did you have? - Well, Tony, it was experimental circus. So we had Trapi's artists, comedians. Well, not comedians, clowns. - Okay. - Actual, crazy, fucking clowns. - It's fucking fun. - Love the goddamn clowns. - They love the clowns. - Yeah, it's fucking fun. - It's awesome. - Yeah, yeah. - We had this great guy who could take off his clothes without even touching him. I thought it was quite amazing. - Like pants off. - And then pants back up. - And then it seemed that hard. - We had three comedians almost have their pants fall off up here. - Okay, all right, David. I just think you're kind of like kind of boring, David. - Yeah, well, beginning for everything. - What's the most interesting thing about you before I let you go? - The most interesting thing about me, my wife. - Okay, what about her? - She is an East German refugee from the Communist bloc. I met her in Switzerland. And she dropped everything, followed me to Scotland, followed me back to Switzerland, followed me to New York, Colorado, and now here. - Okay. - And she's fantastic. - Okay, what's your favorite thing about her? Favourite Susan? She has that laugh in the movie theater where no one else laughs. - I can tell, yeah. - Because you probably ran some of this material buyer and she was probably cracking up. - She was losing it. Do you want to see an impression of her losing it? - Sure. - Okay, here you go, David. I'm going to get you out of here. - All right. - There you go. Back to the circus you go, David Hall. - There he goes. - All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket hole goes by the name of Stephen Glenn, ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Stephen Glenn. - You got to be fucking kidding me. Unbelievable. This show is crazy. (audience laughing) ♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪ ♪ 'Cause you won't need I'll be right right ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're gay ♪ ♪ Bump, bump ♪ ♪ Yeah, head, get down, get warring it ♪ ♪ In your mouth ♪ ♪ Why can't we ♪ ♪ Where homos go ♪ ♪ Pities is in your face ♪ ♪ I'll need I'll be right right ♪ ♪ Why can't we ♪ ♪ You're gay, but I don't ♪ - Okay. Okay, is there more you wanted to do something? - Head, head, head. - Okay. - Fuck yes, dude. Yes. - Yeah. - That was fucking awesome. (laughing) - Keep doing that. - That rule. - All right, good job. (laughing) - What could I do? - I mean, I don't even know where to begin with this. Stephen, did you want to do something other than sing a bad parody of a song? - Fun fact. Jews. - Okay, I'm gonna stop you there. Stephen. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) - Fuck you both, you both. (audience laughing) - Jews, Jews, I'd like to kill six out of seven people. That's where six seven came from. (audience laughing) - Sorry. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes. - How? - I'm so in. - How are you, how are you getting out of here? Because I know there's some Jews in here. Some gay people outside ready to whoop your fat ass. What? And why did you drop the clowns? So that was the funny shit. And you got-- you got the nerd to have a fanny pet. Yeah. Where are we going with all of this? I completely deteriorated. [LAUGHTER] This is the lane to stay in. [LAUGHTER] This is fucking awesome. Steven Glenn, I got to ask. What's up with Asians? Give us some. How long have you been doing comedy, Steven? This is my second time. Right. And your first time you did it, did you do it with a clown suit, come out, face the other way, and then sing a parody of the cheer's theme song? I did the cheer's theme song. The finger goes into the belly button. That is, when he gets nervous, he fingers his belly button. It's a tick. It's a tick. Oh my goodness. Steven, keep doing what you're doing. Do not pivot from this. I'm telling you, this is fucking gold. Steven, I don't know how we're going to get it around the YouTube rules on song parodies are so strict that we're going to have to really do some surgery to your parody and have people imagine the cheer's theme song. While not actually being able to-- I don't think we're going to be able to air Red Band has informed me that there's no way we can get that through. Yes, it's not us, it's YouTube, because they are very strict on the way that music works. I'll pay the fee. All right. [APPLAUSE] You heard it in here? No, look at that. Oh, oh, he's making some big creative decisions over here, folks. What the fuck? You got-- I mean, second time, he made a choice. Totally. Oh, absolutely. And he has not cracked a smile. This is a serious man. No, there he goes. Steve, I like that you fucking-- When was your last time? When was the first time that you tried this out? Was that a week ago, a month ago? It was at the shit show, and at our fourth text. When was the question? Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. And you're like, this is it. I'm ready. Yeah, I got a good feedback. You're perfect. No, I mean, you're getting it here, too. How old are you? 45. No fucking way. There's no way you're 45. Yes, I'm full of-- OK. So what have you been doing your whole life? Stephen, tell us about the real Stephen Glenn. Well, the first time I got on stage, I was like four years old, and I had a clown outfit on. And I fell in love with the stage because the first time I was on stage, I kept bowing and I kept the plot. And this is kind of like a full circle moment with the clown outfit. So I was kind of hoping I could like recapture that with this audience. Yeah, you just did it, yeah. So the more I bow, the more you applaud. Uh-huh. Please. OK. [APPLAUSE] That was good. I fucking told you, Dad. OK, that part was good, because you kind of lost me. You just look like Jason Alexander lost all his sign failed money. But I went with you on it, and you committed, you stuck the landing, and I'm with it. You got on the checktailers. I see where you going with all of this. Stephen, you seem to be a really funny guy. Yeah. What do you-- what have you been doing your whole life? I mean, I got to know more about you. Tell us about your real life. What do you do for work? I do Uber. [LAUGHTER] You drive just regular people in cars? Yeah. Do you ever do-- [LAUGHTER] How long have you been doing that for? About six months. OK, where were you doing before that? Everybody wants to know. Well, I kind of take care of my mom. Oh. What's up with your mom? Hi, mom. Oh, my god. Well, I moved in when my dad passed away, and so I kind of-- she became my best friend. OK. And she's not going to be around forever, so I'm taking applications for anybody. It's looking for best friend. His voice is so cool, too. He's talking up here like he's-- Sounds like Bill Clinton meets Elvis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My grandfather wrote an Elvis Presley song. Really? Wow. Called Crying in the Chapel. It's the only gospel song that's on his number one hits album. Do you have a gay parody of it? [LAUGHTER] I could make some. No, you can't. You can't. It literally-- It sounds like Elvis. It's that song. Who's us? The YouTube rules are crazy now. You literally can't do anything with music. We're going to really have-- You really drive-- you drive-- Who did you say? Yeah. That's correct. Do you put the child lock on it so people can't get out the car? Yeah, it was on child lock. I had some kind of thing where they couldn't leave, so I kept having to open the door for them. And then it fixed itself somehow. But yeah. What did you do like the previous 25 years, basically? Yes. What were your other-- I was a child actor for Kenneth Copeland Ministries. For what? You were a child actor for what? Did you say Kenneth Copeland Ministries? I'm trying to-- What? Yeah. OK. What? Say it again, goddammit. I was a character on a series for Kenneth Copeland Ministries called Commander Kelly and the Super Kids. My name was rapper. The guy who was the nerd, Super Kid, was black. But they gave me the rapper part because I was on the audio tapes before the VHS. What? Hold on. How long did that gig last? Um, let me think. I mean, there are four movies about 8 to 10 years, I think. You did it for 10 years? Yeah, yeah. All right. What was your name on the show? What was your character's name? Rapper. Rapper. It's kind of generic, but they'll keep that stuff there. OK. Well, that's OK. And then you do something after that. But before I was on an episode of Chuck Norris-- Yeah, but that's one fun thing. Wait, hold on. Hold on. You was on Walker, Texas, Ranger. You were on an episode of Chuck Norris? Is this you? Yeah, that's you. That's you? But we lost him. Yeah, that was a close one. That's you? Yeah. With the egg in our toe, we dumped him to the alley. But the egg is duct as well. We caught a cross in neighborhood in here behind a tree. And that's his window came out to the bottom in the name. We did good. Oh, my god. [APPLAUSE] OK. I know talent. I know talent. Try to tell it, man. I fucking know talent, dog. It is not the Simon Cow of Keele himself. Yes. So the question remains, Steven. Yes. Between that little Uber and you now, what the fuck have you been doing the whole time? You know, my mom says I inherited my dad's body. So you know, it's kind of an ode to him, but-- OK. This is fucking Jedi-level evading. It's unbelievable. And I fucking respect it. It is something else. You have an unbelievable amount of charisma. When you say that you were on an episode of Chuck Norris, which is the name of an actor, what do you mean exactly? Oh, did I say Chuck Norris? Yeah, you said you were on an episode. OK, what episode? Can you describe your character in "Walker Texas Ranger" report? I remember I had like a purple silk shirt. OK, do you remember the name of the episode or the name of your character? No, the scene got cut out. I handed it off. All right. Well, I can see it. Much like it's going to on this episode of "Kell Topics." Because there's no way we're going to be able to get around that cheers thing. It's going to basically start with your interview. And people, the listeners will understand that you did a gay parody of the cheers theme. Because trust me, we won't be able to do it. Right on. It's going to cost like $40,000. And-- I want to be clear, I'm not paying that fucking fee. I was fucking around. Oh, they're all-- Oh, OK. There's 40 RAM. (audience laughs) Sure. (audience laughs) (laughs) Look how serious he is. - He's your red band. (laughs) - I'm excited because he just kind of chuckled. And he-- - You have an Asian wife, right? - Yes, sure. - So me and my buddy, (audience laughs) we got the bright idea to start interviewing Asian women. So make it really exclusive. So if you're Asian and you see me and my friend on the street, you know? Say what's it? - Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Stephen, you might be one of the most accidentally hilarious people I've ever had on this show. Just say what's up. So you and your homie are interviewing exclusively Asian women on the street? - Could you see, you know, those guys question women on the street, they're always like the drunk white girl. - Yeah. - So, you know, we want to spray the love. (audience laughs) - We're being pranked right now. - No, Jeremy, we'll do it. - Jeremy, we'll do it. - Very good, thank you. We're being pranked right now. You're like a professional something. Something's happening here. Who's set you here? What are you exactly? Tell us the truth, God damn it. You're here to bust the show. You're trying to crack the show. - No, I'm deep state. - If you're Asian, don't be scared. (audience laughs) - That was fucking amazing. - I got it. - You're Asian, just fucking holler. Like, this is the first time in the history of the show in which every question I ask results in me having 25 more questions. Let me start here. How many Asian women have you interviewed on this street? If you had to guess, if you had to give us a ballpark, this show that you and your buddy supposedly do or have been doing? - So, we came here to Austin. And about about 12 years ago. And we did like this music video called "Asian Girls." And then we went back on YouTube to see if, you know, it's copyrighted or who did it, but we can't find it. So we're going to use it for the theme song for this show. You're going to do a thing called "What?" We're going to do a show called "Asian Girl." - But you haven't recorded any yet, huh? Have you recorded it? - No, we haven't interviewed any Asian girls. So this, I had a few. - We were going to use the footage. We shot 12 years ago in Austin. - What are the odds? - And then we're going to, you know, interview some Asian girls. - But you haven't done any yet? - No. - Okay, so that was, you were just like-- - I was just people-- - No. - Let me know, say what was that? - Wow. So. - What do you-- Are there any Asian women in the audience right now? - Yeah. - Is there an Asian woman in the crowd? Turn the red lights up, Keena. Let's see if there's an Asian woman in the crowd that might want to be interviewed. Is there an Asian woman that's willing to come up here and get interviewed by Stephen Glenn? Not a single Asian woman? - There's got to be. - Nobody? - That's a Mexican lady, sir. - All right, forget it. Turn it down. - Why don't we make believe? Why don't you pretend like Sheryl Underwood is an Asian woman? - No. - What? - Oh, no. This isn't even the Asian hair. This is different. - Right. - But you say it 12 years ago, 12? - Yeah. - You record it. - Yeah, we came down here and shot footage for my friends. Mexican version of Mario Vehicle. He had a car, you painted it. He created the Mexican Mario and we were, what exactly? - What's the fucking confusion? - What's the fucking, what's the fucking, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what you mean? - Get your ass to be wild, I'll confuse you. - It's clear as fucking day. 12 years ago, him and his buddy recorded a video for Asian girls. His buddy had a Mexican, yeah. - And then they're going to interview girls. Jesus Christ, clear as fucking day. - What do you mean Mexican Mario? What was the difference between regular Mario and Mexican Mario? - Well, he had a poncho. - Oh my God. - Yeah. - Tony, are we getting played right now? - I think we might be, he's-- - I love it. - You need to go audition for Saturday Night Live. - Okay. - Right. - Because I think you will be amazing. - Okay. - I enjoy the ride. Whatever this was, I love the fucking ride, dude. I had so much fun with this. Please don't go. It's like if, it's like if you mix crack with quailu. - Jesus, dude. - Wait. - Did you fuck with a lot of drugs? - No. - Have you ever, have you ever hit your head really hard against something? - I am epileptic. So if you see me, yeah, if you see me, I'm epileptic. - Shocking. - So if you see me flopping around, that's not part of the act. (laughing) - Dude, fuck, yes, dude. This is by far the best person I've ever had. - I don't know what's real and what's not. You're so funny. It's incredible. I feel like we might be the last ones in on a joke. I feel like you're like an actual professional that's goofing around and being silly. You have half a clown suit on. Your shirt's still lifted up. You are something else. I love your style. Here's a big joke book. Steven Glenn. Take a bow. (audience cheering) - Oh my god, that is something. You almost went the wrong way behind the curtain. I just saw. - Tony, that was fucking unbelievable. - This show is crazy. It is insane. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - That's hip, that's a little hip. That is him as the rapper on Kenneth Copeland. - Yeah, Jesus show. This is all crazy. This is all nuts. We have one final bucket poll that has to follow that, everybody. And they will go by the name of Sweet McCoy, one minute uninterrupted from your final bucket poll of the night, Sweet McCoy. (audience cheering) - I'm gonna start, I'm gonna waste part of my minute. What the fuck was that? What, I almost days he dug my shirt coming out this way. That was why, no, you don't wanna see that. It's sad, underneath here. Here's my minute, fuck, fuck Pete Diddy, dude. Fuck Pete Diddy, I know you like him, but I don't like him. I don't like the guy, I think the worst thing he ever did was music. (audience laughing) Hang on, I think if he was better at music, we'd forgive the rest of it. Like, think, hang on, hang on, I only got a minute. Think about Michael Jackson, dude, Michael Jackson. They said, Michael's fucking kids. And he said, oh, and they said, shut up McColley, shut the stupid math. (audience laughing) They told McColley to beat it. (audience laughing) That's bad. On that same note, art Kelly pissed on women. Um, but Pete Diddy didn't pee. Diddy? (audience laughing) It's called word play. Thanks guys, I'm Swade McCoy. Thank you. Swade McCoy, how long you been doing stand-up, buddy? (audience applauding) Do what? How long you been doing stand-up comic? Two years doing stand-up, I've been acting for like 15 years. Really, have you acted in anything that we've seen perhaps an episode of Chuck Norris? (audience laughing) I was saying that stunt double, that's. No, but see. They do get in everything. I know my dad's in the music industry. He's actually friends with a couple of friends of yours, Rob Schneider was in a music video, he is. Okay. But what if you acted in anything we could recognize? No, I'm just gonna say my dad's doing stuff. I don't do much if I'm honest. Oh, good for a whole lot. All right, so how do you make a living, Swade? I work for a boot company called Lucacy. Oh, okay. We like Lucacy, too. That clap sounded good, the boots are going okay. All right, good. Yep, good boots. How long you worked with them? About three or four years now. I'm more of a tocova's guy. I point my toes wet to get wet. No, come on, it's okay. It's all right, until Lucacy is a sponsor. I am a tocova's guy. I'll figure that out. I'll talk to him. Perfect, talk to your dad for me, will you? So, Swade, tell us more about your life. What else? Gruppen, small town in East Texas. My dad did music for a long time, so I toured for a little while. Is your dad famous? Can you say his name? I was a country singer named Neil McCoy. Okay. You guys know Neil McCoy? Okay, checks out. My Mexicans agree, they know Neil McCoy. He's part Filipino, so the Mexicans and the Asians love him. Perfect. I love it. I'm gonna latch on, too. Amazing. Stop. Oh, yeah, Neil McCoy legend. No one professionally is Neil McCoy. And previously, he is Neil McCoy. He changed his name, huh? Yeah. I stole that, too. I'm using the McCoy thing, too. That makes sense. Look at McCoy. How it's spelled on there. It's like nine letters long. You can't write that. Right. Definitely not. Okay. Swade, any other fun facts about your life? What else is crazy? I lived in L.A. for about seven years. I left because I got robbed at gunpoint. Uh-huh. That makes sense. I lost that fight. Yeah. No cops around, right? No cops until I called them. I tell you what, I've never felt more racist. I'm not racist. Let's start there. I look. Hang on. Stay with me. I've never felt more racist than when I tried to describe the guys that robbed me to the police. at least that's hard to do. Hey Cheryl, how are you? (laughing) - See you. (audience applauding) - Wait, what'd they look like? Yeah, can you describe? - I wanna hear it in the description. - I couldn't really see, it was really dark outside, but I know they were wearing black hoodies. They were wearing very black, very African-American hoodies. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. (audience laughing) - Where the hoodies? - They both had on Jordan Forz. - Yeah, those are exclusively for the blacks. (audience laughing) - Shoes you could dunk in and rob me, that shoes you can dunk in, rob me. - What'd you say to the 911 call? - I said, hey, you guys got anybody in North Hollywood free and they said, yeah, why not? And they sent over, when you call the, here's the problem, when you call it cops, you want two, six foot tall white guys with a mustache. - Definitely white, yes. - Well, with muscles you wanted to say, which way did they go and take off running? I got, I'm not kidding you, I got two five foot four Hispanic ladies that were overweight. I thought, what are you gonna do, roll after 'em? Like, how are we catching these guys? The Jordan's are gonna be really fast. - Yeah, I'm gonna help a lot. So, that happens. - Did this really happen? - It did, yeah, there's a whole 911 report. I can send it to you. - Okay, you need. - I'll fax it over. - Well, you lost me when, I thought you were gonna say something really good, like CPT, Compton or something. - North Hollywood? - Yeah. - How do your bitches get robbed in North Hollywood? - Look at me. - Right. - You can rob this anywhere. - Well, you can. - We're gonna rob this for the idea. - Well, let me give you two things I'm feeling. First of all, you came behind that guy and you did a really good job. - Yeah. - So, I give him to you to come behind the other guy. The name, Swake, Koi, is thought it was gonna be my guy. - No, I knew he was gonna be country as hell, I knew. - I thought you were gonna come out here with a guitar and saying, "I do something." But I think you are a really good person with a great persona. But that robbery, redroke, if you're gonna make those connections, where it's kinda us, but it's not us, then you gotta make the connection right. 'Cause when you said North Hollywood, I was like, "Oh, this motherfucker didn't get robbed." You know, he was trying to get fucked. Are you going to get robbed? - Yeah. - Where did it happen about Lancersham and Magnolia? - Yeah. - Yeah. I was going to Magnolia in kind of those neighborhoods right off Lancersham. - Right, you know how I knew that? - Oh, no. - 'Cause the train stations right there. - They ran a train on me. - Well, it's just an easy getaway. It's an easy getaway to get on the red line to the, I believe, blue line. And then you're back in Compton again, where Cheryl's talking about. - I wish you've been the cop, they would've found him. - You gotta say something better than that. But did you just say they ran a train on you? - I meant they ran to a train. Oh, thanks for having that, it got-- - What did they get from you? - I had just gotten back from a cruise and you carry a lot of cash on a cruise. I had $500 in my wallet, which in LA is a billion dollars. - Yeah. - So they took pretty much everything I had. - Well, Swade. Any other crazy fun facts we should know about you before letting you go? - Not that I could think of. - You take stand-up seriously, how often do you perform? - I try to perform at least every week. All right, well, there you go. If you really are serious about it, I would do it almost every day. Try your best. Here's a big joke, but fun stuff, Swade McCoy, Tiltoni debut, ladies and gentlemen. And now we've reached that part of the show where boy oh boy, do I have a special monster for you people? I mean, this guy is the full-time newest regular and every single week, he comes out guns ablaze and with material that we just can't believe. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the real deal. This is Pat O'Neal. (audience cheering) Folks, I support a woman's right to choose and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead bitch, okay? (audience laughing) I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion. So I just bought some red confetti for the gender reveal and I. (audience laughing) Figure that you send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy or as trans people call it, micro-dosing. (audience laughing) Seriously folks, if you would have told me like 10 years ago that one day men were actually gonna be allowed in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty. (audience laughing) Just need more time. Okay, thank you. Fuckin' son of a bitch. I mean, every single week he comes in over the top and just absolutely only hits home runs. Pat O'Neal, you've done it again. - Thank you, sir. - It's incredible the run that you were on right now is something else that is just crazy. How does it feel, buddy? - Really good. - Yeah. - Sitting back there for a while while that gay clown was out here. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - There's a lot going on. This was a wacky episode. We were waiting on something like you and you brought it home. Once again, share a lunder what I want to hear your analysis. This has to be your first time seeing Pat O'Neal. - Emo Phillips on acid. - Yeah. - Yeah. - To me, I think you have something very irreverent, but it has humanity. I don't want you to stop being you. Don't let anybody tell you what you can't do or where it's not going on. - Oh, I've tried not to be. - Oh, awesome. - 'Cause I think you're very, very funny. - Thank you, man. - And very, so much. - Thank you, thank you. - Very provocative. (audience applauding) - Yeah. - What do you think? - It was glad to be on your good side after watching all that I honestly. (audience laughing) - Tom Stegra, this is your first time seeing Pat O'Neal. - Yeah, that was so funny, dude. - Thank you, Tom. - It was so funny. - You're welcome. (audience laughing) - No, it was fun to wrap up the night with like fun, like solid jokes. I love that they're dark. It was really fun. Please keep going. - Yeah. Pat O'Neal is on a mission unlike any other. I mean, he really encompasses the writing and execution that this show likes to exemplify. Pat, you've done it again. Congratulations. - Thank you Tom. - Thank you so much. - We love you. This episode was brought to you by Shopify Talkspace and Zipper Cruder. Guys, how about one more time? - Bad thoughts. Out now on Netflix season two of one of the most unbelievably fucking compelling, awkward, weird ass, hilarious fucking shows ever. - Yeah. - King's amazing, dude. - King Gratz, Tom. I mean, you're just absolutely crushing it with that show. I saw the promos and I can't wait to watch it. It's out now by the time the witness episode drops. So good watch. It's season two, bad thoughts out now. Andy's and Oxnard working on new material July 7th and 8th. How about one more time for the Killtony debut of Cheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen? I need a job for it. Go to packratproductionsank.com for tickets and be on the lookout. She is the first person ever in Netflix rose history to immediately get a special deal after the roast. My special is out on June 9th, on Netflix. Man of the people, which is what I am. And I mean, I'm just a man of the people. Often misunderstood, I'll tell you right now, there's a joke on there that is going to be in the news. So I'm gonna be the talk of everything again. Oh boy, so crazy. Did it again. This episode brought to you by Shop of I Talk Space and Zipper Cruder. One more time for the best standband and all the land. Absolutely crushing. All night long, follow them on Instagram at the Killtony band. Let's check in and see what Ryan J. Ebel drew tonight. Oh shit. Yep, there's a little bit of everything on there. Cheryl Underwood. Tom Sagarai, see me, red band. And let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Pat O'Neal. That's a good one. That is him without a doubt. We are doing Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row, August 7th and 8th. Yeah, and we are coming to maybe Vegas will be announced by now, but we're going to Vegas and Dallas and Houston, red band. I'm going to San Diego, bring you Pat O'Neal and Rachel Wilson, Americancomedyco.com. We love you guys. God bless the show and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Good night. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]