#769 - MAT EDGAR + CHRIS O'CONNOR

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Brian Red Band. And indeed, that is the best damn band in all the land, ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony Band. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos. Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrano. We have the great Dave Shearer joining us on guitar tonight. Unbelievable local musician, the great John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that's the real deal, D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. That is not Drewski in blacker face. That is actual D-Madness. That's this episode of The Number One Lie. The number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Picks and Zippix, delicious nicotine toothpicks. Who's a smoker in here? Any smokers in here? Anybody smoke? There you go. Have one. Here, have one of those. Nibble on one of those during the episode and all your nicotine worries go away. Zip more. Smoke last with Zippix. Fuck yeah. We just got in. We're fresh off of Los Angeles live last night. The roast of. Kevin Hart was something else, huh? It's the first time I've been called a Nazi multiple times in just a few hours. I guess that's what L.A. writers rooms, all these. A lot of mentally ill liberals out there that somehow with all these fucking blacks and Jews and Mexicans around me, I guess I'm a fucking Nazi somehow. I guess the guy that pulls names out of a bucket giving everybody an opportunity. Is a Nazi. Isn't that something? I was called that by a bunch of people that have never written anything in their lives. That literally have just been reading cue cards and teleprompters every project they've ever done with the inability to improvise whatsoever. No opportunity to have their own thought. They just read what the writers wrote for them without any originality whatsoever. And the writers I used to work with. There's a few great writers in that writer's room and the rest of them were just. Living in a bubble of mental illness and it's very exciting. But I mean, most of it, you know what I mean? I got called a Nazi, gay, a racist over and over again. I'm none of those three things, a little fun fact. But they are what I. They are fat, ugly, black, Jewish. Everything I said was real about them. Just a reminder. Because I woke up today and even though. Even though. Even though every human that I've seen told me that it was unbelievable. There's news articles because the news isn't real. Nothing is real. That say that I got lit up by Chelsea Handler. Which is very, very funny because that's not what happened at all. You can't believe anything you see or read on the news anymore. You have to actually watch the thing for yourself. She was a bit of a cunt, I'll tell you that. She just kept coming at me over. She said I took the. Saudi Arabia money. She was like wrong about things. The writers just didn't do her any justice. But then the teleprompter. The fun fact, the teleprompter only went down during my set. And it gave me a lot of opportunity to remind Chelsea Handler what she looks like. And where her life is. Because she had it coming. Everybody wants to go up early in those things. And they put. A lot of the people that they. That they know will do good at the end. Which is fucking bullshit. Because some people turn off the television before that happens. And so what they don't realize though. Because they want to go up early when the crowd's all fresh. Is that I'm sitting there watching what they're doing. So when Chelsea kept coming at me. I'm like I'm going to fuck this bitch up. Anyway, it was fun. We're back home. Shout out to the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross. Our Kill Tony family that was there. The great Big Jay Oakerson crushed. And of course, the powerful Shane Gillis dominated hosting the show. We love Shane. We love Shane. But we're here tonight. We are here for the number one live podcast in the world. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Saley. Whether you're hitting the road for a comedy tour. Just trying to escape the country for a vacation. Getting off a long flight and realizing your phone doesn't have internet is an absolute nightmare. That's where Saley comes in. Red band. Arrr, Tony, I love Saley is the best. I use it all the time when we leave Austin. Saley is the new travel buddy of mine. It's a super simple eSIM app that keeps you connected to over 200 places around the world. If you don't know what an eSIM is, it's just a digital SIM card. That means no more swapping out those tiny plastic cards. No more waiting in line at the airport and no more getting scammed by weird kiosks outside the train station. You download the Saley app, pick an affordable data point. And you're instantly connected. Say goodbye to those insane, expensive roaming fees and get an exclusive 15% discount on Saley data plans. Use code kill Tony at checkout, download Saley app, or go to Saley.com/kill Tony right now. That's S A I L Y.com/kill Tony. Hello there. This episode is brought to you by Zippix nicotine toothpicks. Zippix gives you a clean, convenient, and satisfying way to curb nicotine cravings without smoke or vapor red band. Tony, I love Zippix. It's the best nicotine product out there. Here's why people are switching to Zippix. It's made with simple ingredients and plant derived nicotine. They come in two milligram or three milligram options for a smooth, controlled release. And there's six great flavors to choose from. I absolutely love these things on airplanes. Anywhere you can sneak one. It is really amazing. Plus, it helps satisfy the hand to mouth habit, which you know. I love you can use it anywhere. Even we're smoking and vaping are banned. It's a discreet, better tasting alternative to traditional nicotine products. Zippix also offers caffeine and B12 toothpicks. If you're cutting back on nicotine or just want an added boost. So take control of your nicotine routine with Zippix. Get 10% off your first order with code kill Tony at Zippix toothpicks.com. These things are unbelievable. I mean it. Try and get 10% off your first order with code kill Tony at Zippix toothpicks.com. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're going to have so much fun. These are two of the best comedians around two of my favorite guests in the show's history. You guys know them. You love them. Make some fucking noise for them. These are two of the best comedians around. Two of my favorite guests in the show's history. You guys know them. You love them. Make some fucking noise for the great Chris O'Connor and Matt Edgar, everybody. Here we go. Chris O'Connor, my man, the great Matt Edgar. Yee-hoo. The homies. The local motherfucking homies. Chris O'Connor is a star. He's got the podcast. He's got the podcast, Stuff Island. He's touring the country. Tickets available at ChrisOConnor.com, Raleigh, North Carolina, Detroit, Michigan. How about a hand for my good friend Matt Edgar, everybody? We started together this week 19 years ago. A little fun fact about me and Matt. May 2007 at the Comedy Store. Two little pups. I was 22. He was 21. Now I'm 41 and you're 40, right? Yeah. Crazy. That's nuts. And one of us made it. Thank God I won that coin flip. Chris, how you doing, buddy? We were together making a lot of eye contact. You were right in the middle front of the roast of Kevin Hart. We had a lot of fun. Yeah, and I was with you last night at 3:00 AM getting fucking hammered. Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot. You were there. Yes. We were really fucked up. I was talking to Seth Green about Star Wars like 10 hours ago. Seth Green was there. You are reminding me of a lot right now. Jesus fucking Christ. You're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah, that was so hurting. Yeah, no, I know. It was a very odd plane ride home today. A lot of scary dreams. And if you guys get black. Act out last night? Look on that. Like I made this face like still hurting. I know. I know. I mean, it was so rough. I look, I looked like I woke up looking like Chelsea Handler. That's how rough, that's how rough my night was. I just had like that Botox swollen inflamed face that just, you know, seems like you used to be successful 15 years ago and you're not anymore. You know what I mean? I just like felt like that. Worst feeling. Thank God that I just took a two-hour nap and I was back to being one of the best in the world and shoot. No, I'm kidding. Shut up. You guys know how the show works? Over 200 innocent souls signed up for this. Some of them could be the next great comedian of planet Earth. All of our regulars and golden ticket winners were found out of this bucket. Could happen. Could be a completely insane person, a lazy writer that didn't really give any effort. Anything can happen. They get 60 seconds on interrupting, you know, the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten and then they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. I conduct an interview with them. The entire thing is live and improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm going to let this Thai lady boy pick the first name out of the bucket. Hell yeah. I'm not a lady boy. I know. Sit down. There you go. All right. And while that happens, I'm going to bring up one of the great regulars of the show's history. Here to do a brand new minute. He does it every fucking week. Not easy to do. It takes balls, courage. This guy's got it all. And here he goes again. Here with a brand new minute to get us started while we wrangle that first bucket pool. Make some noise for the great former dark storm of Atlanta. Now the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a new set from Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. I love Latino. I grew up part Mexican in high school. My best friend was Mexican. So I was like raised like that's why I learned Spanish from like I don't really know like chore Spanish because or I know like certain actions like when his mama say pinch a you duck. Right. You know, I'm saying that means duck is Spanish. And if you see if you hear PJ Carbone, that means duck and run and Spanish. And then I and I continue that love with, you know, through my life. With my jobs and I work now I speak a different kind of Spanish. It's called steel-toed non-slip Spanish. It's like you got to work at like construction sites and they speak a different kind of Spanish because it's mostly just sound effects. Like, are you Spanish, sir? You're Mexican. Did you correct me if I'm wrong? And Spanish means socket wrench. Right. That means soccer and they would be like, they'd be like, moreno. They go get a and then, you know, because that means you got to drill it out. That's drill in Spanish and means like, hey, I need you to pay attention to me. This is good. Am I wrong about that, guys? Am I am I am I correct about that? OK, because I know I know if you do it wrong, you don't want to disappoint them because they you come show them your work and it's bad. They'd be like, oh, it's no good. It's no good. Like, that's my time. Thank you. I love you. Dedrick Flynn doing a minute, 30 seconds. Toughest job in the business. And you never just do the bare minimums. You did an extra 30 seconds, a whole extra half a set of new material there. That is all true. That checks out. That is. The horn players and Michael Gonzalez agree with you. They're still laughing. They're laughing. The hungover Mexican guy is laughing. Hell yeah. This is all true. Did you say you were on a work site? How did where'd you come up with? I used to build car washes. And so, like, my my general idea. Why? Why? And I worked there. Why is that silly? Chris is laughing very hard at the fact that you built car washes. You snooped off work at a car wash. One of those shackles car wash. If you build a car wash, Mexicans will come. It's like Field of Dreams for them. They're good at it. So what does it take to build a car wash? Was that you just have worked for a company that only built car washes? They built their own. And we like I was a GM there, too. So I had to, like, go through the whole building process, like putting in the PVC pipes, bolting all the frames and because like a like one of those. You liked it because there was a lot of hose. Yeah, I love I love there's tons of at the car wash. What does car wash? Any any girl that go through a breakup? She's bringing her car. She's bringing her car through the car wash to get this nigga out of her car like she's got to vacuum up all his cigarettes. Talking about a water hose. So did anyone not get my hose joke still seems like I haven't gotten what I deserve for the a lot of hose. So a lot of hose because it's a car wash just OK. Thank you. That's what I needed. I needed a I needed a hand clap from this beautiful one of the hottest Down syndrome women I've ever seen in my entire life. I'm a little vicious. Sorry. I'm still in. Gross mode. It's been a crazy week. And you did great. Why do they keep calling you racist? I don't that don't make no sense because if you are, you're bad at it. I know that you can't keep changing all these. You changed my life. I don't know. I noticed there was a theme and they very rarely talked about how wildly successful my show is because it's on a different streaming company. So I think they weren't allowed to make fun of kill Tony, even though we worked. We work with them. We work with them for at least multiple episodes a year, but I don't think they like mentioning you to. I don't think Netflix and YouTube get along very well. We always play nice. I never mentioned YouTube on a net. I never say we have hundreds of episodes available on YouTube on the Netflix episodes. And it's funny. They did this weird Kevin Hart show where they find the next comedic talent and they released that on Mondays at eight. It almost seems like they were trying to start some shit. But, you know, I play nice. I play nice until I don't. And here we are. You just watching you stand over the body. We were like, enough is enough. I'm telling you, Jesus Christ, he's dead. He's dead right there. I know I'm playing nice. I'm trying to take her to the Mexican. Carl hoes are down a little bit. See what's underneath there. It's like when the. That'd be like when the Joker shows up in, like, the military police outfit that one time. He's got, like, no makeup on, but you still see the scars. Anyway, Dedrick, how did you like Los Angeles? Tell us about your week. Well, it was fun, but them niggas stole my phone. Yeah. So, you know, and it was my first time in L.A. So, like, you got to. I mean, it was, like, welcome. You know what I'm saying? Like, that happens. They took my phone. So, I've been phone-less trying to figure out life. Um, I forgot how much you need your phone until you don't. Like, I don't know how y'all niggas did comedy before, like, not having a phone. How did y'all get around? Did y'all have, like, an actual map? Were y'all pirates? How old do you think we are? Matt, we're friends. But pretty old. What do you do? What do you do on the toilet with no phone? Have you noticed? I got the laptop on there. I got the laptop. I got the laptop right on my knees. Fucking talking shit on Reddit. The old fucking, the old crap top. Screens shaking off and jacking off. Jack off on the toilet? You white boys are crazy, sir. Oh, yeah, dude. The old double release. Oh, he's got judgment. That's called a number three. It's like a blumpkin, isn't it? Well. That's a blowjob on the toilet. Oh, okay. I'm glad we got to the bottom of it. Yeah. God, that was fucking plaguing my mind. So fun, Dedrick. Way to get tonight's show started. I love y'all. Thank y'all so much. And we're off. It has begun. That's how it's done. And now we go to the bucket where absolutely anything can happen. Sometimes it's the next genius of the future. Sometimes it is just not. Let's see what happens here. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Ivy Miller. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. I'm Ivy. I am from California. Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. I'm from a place called San Diego. And in San Diego, everyone is blonde. And everyone is in workout gear. And all the children sound like they're named after energy drinks. Slater, Rocket, and Jake. The less you care in San Diego, the cooler you are. No one has a job. Only perfect abs. We have our own language in San Diego as well. And if you ever get lost and you need to communicate with a local, you just pretend you're coming out of surgery, and it kind of sounds like. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Thank you. All right, Ivy Miller. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Unbelievable, Redman. Unbelievable. You want to learn more about San Diego? Yeah. Ivy, I could tell you're from San Diego because beach, you didn't get one laugh during your set. See what I did there? How long have you been doing stand-up, Ivy? About three months now. Perfect. I was glad after you said three, I was happy to hear months. I also would have accepted weeks and days as a possible answer. Months is good. Thank God for that. What made you want to start stand-up three months ago? It terrifies me. I just wanted to scare myself and face my fears. I love it. That's fun. What have you been doing your whole life? What else have you been doing? I lifeguard, and that's. Redman, come on. Be a professional here. You're a lifeguard? Is that what you've been doing most of your life? Yes. How many lives have you saved? Quite a bit. It gets quite busy. Okay, if you had to guess what the ethnicity is, what the percentage of ethnicities is of the people that you have to save, realistically? Latino. Really? Yes. Wow. I think like rocks. Oh, my goodness gracious. I did not know that. They just go. I can't. Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. No, they just swim with all their clothes on. They just go. Oh, my goodness. They do, and it weighs them down. It's not them. It's the clothes. Unbelievable. Is this true, you guys? Let's check in with our. Oh, no. They're disagreeing over here. These guys are. As you can tell, they're all aerodynamically built to swim properly. Aerodynamic, if you will. Incredible. So you've saved a lot of lives. Any close calls? Was someone like kind of basically dead? Yes. And you had to give them mouth-to-mouth like windy peppercorn in the sandlot, and all of a sudden they're just hard as a rock and alive? Yes. Perfect. Very good. Red Band's about to be faking a drowning in San Diego next week. Oh, no. I sank to the bottom. He does swim with all of his clothes on, by the way, so no doubt about it. Red Band hasn't taken off a shirt outside of his apartment in years. I love it. Ivy, what's your love life like? You got a man? I'm recently single. Ooh, how long was that? You are out of control tonight. I told you to start jerking off before this shows. You're a little wild animal. Have a Zippix toothpick. Relax. Zip more. Smoke less. Okay. How long was the relationship that you were in? Six months. Six months. Okay. And why are you recently single? How did it end? Why didn't it work out? What do you think happened there? There was a mismatch in the drive department. Drive department. Sex drive? Like motivation. Oh. Just in general. And I think, even I pulled a red band on that one. Even I was like, drive. Sex drive? All right. Distance. Right. He didn't live in San Diego? No. He lived in Europe. Oh, well, that'll do it. Yeah. What part of Europe? Portugal. Oh, okay. Europe, San Diego. Yeah. And where'd you meet this guy? San Diego? Portugal. You were in Portugal? Yeah. How long were you in Portugal for? Oh, I live in Portugal. I've been in Portugal half the year. Why do you live in Portugal half the year? For the surf and lifeguarding. Oh, okay. So how long have you been surfing your whole life? Yes. Wow. So you're just a real beach bum. Yeah, I guess. That's your thing. Yeah. Interesting. What's, Portugal has good waves? Yes, yeah, in the summer, and then it gets massive. So I just like the summer. What are the Portuguese people like? They're lovely. What's the stereotype about them? Strangely, I'm a master of the-- of the racist arts, and I don't know how I would make fun of a Portuguese. Do you know? It sounds like they're lazy. Yeah. Stubborn. Are they? Really stubborn. Wow. Just, I appreciate it because things stay the same, but they like things the way they are. Right. Do you speak Portuguese? No, I'm working on it. Wow, so you just go there, and you're just like this American bimbo that's just out there. Yeah. Wow. Amazing, Ivy. What else? What do you do for fun other than water sports? I like to snowboard. I surf and snowboard a lot. OK. And I like to-- I'm really into journaling and, like, self-work. I hate your life. I hate your life so much. It's the worst life I've ever heard. Yeah, it doesn't sound so good. And you want to get into comedy? Your life's great. Yeah. The fuck are you-- you're living an endless summer, surfing and lifeguarding. Stay away. It's true. I've never heard of an energy drink that sounds like Slater or Jake. Did you, like, mess that up? Was Jake planned? Well, you know, I thought the Slade-- yeah, I don't know. You don't know? Well, the Slater, it just sounds like they've all got X's and Z's and Zephyr and chum, chum. You know, it just, like, keeps going. And then-- but there's, like, so many Jakes. There's a-- there's a-- in your world, I think there's a lot of Jakes. Like, a picture. What's up? My name's Jake. What's your name? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. All right. Ivy, um, fun times. Here's a little joke book. You got the first bucket pool. You are the first bucket pool of the night. Thank you. Keep doing it if you love it. I mean, you got a lot of work to do, Ivy. Thank you. It's not as funny as a fucking plastic cup. But-- but chase your dreams. I love you. Red band. You can't say things like that. Oh. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, the best in the world. HeidiRegina.com. Yamaha Resort and Casino at San Manuel is California's number one entertainment destination, for today's superstars. Catch the Jonas Brothers return to the Yamaha Theatre stage on April 30th, the powerful vocals of Demi Lovato on May 17th, and the signature southern country rock of Eric Church on July 19th. Tickets on sale now at YamahaTheatre.com. Only at Yamaha Resort and Casino. Celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in? Must be 21 to enter. Yee-hoo. This podcast is sponsored by Tacobas. Anywhere worth going is yours. Anything is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tacobas. 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When you sign up for email and text, that's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S.com/KillTony. Tacobas.com/KillTony. See site for details. Tacobas. Point your toes west. OK, we're going to keep it moving along. Your second bucket pool of the night on a show in which clearly anything can happen, and no one is too underqualified to sign up. Make some noise for BK, everyone. Here we go. Thank you. So being Middle Eastern, I realized my childhood was very different from my white friends. So for instance, during summer breaks, my white friends' parents would send them to summer camp. My parents would send me to refugee camp. They learned new things like horseback riding. I learned how to ride the village donkey. I was so mad the camel was gone, though. My friends would brag about how many friends they made. Like, oh, I got all these pen pals. I'm going to write letters. I was so sad I didn't meet a single friend. But I did meet like 85 cousins. That was just on my mom's side, though. I still have to write checks to them every summer. My last friend, though, he was so excited. He met the girl of his dreams. And he had his first kiss. I also met a girl, she was my first cousin, go ahead finish it go ahead what is the girl of my mother's dreams okay yeah there was nothing bk what is going on you're about as funny as a uh san diego lifeguard holy shit dude how long you been doing stand-up i started in 2008 jesus fucking christ dude 18 years you've been doing this long enough that your career could buy a pack of cigarettes yeah well i had to take a break um please tell me it was a 17 year break yeah it was i had a stroke really yeah okay i could i could kind of see that what happened how long ago was the stroke uh yeah i lost my speech and language uh-huh and uh you know it was about like a year for recovery and then how did you know what caused the stroke what was going on what were you doing um just hanging out talking to my friend getting ready for a show and then god was like you know what you ain't doing that show tonight wow god saved that audience holy shit look at god works in mysterious ways people one one man's stroke is another man's joke you know what i mean incredible so how long ago did the stroke happen 2010 right okay and all of a sudden what your face half your face went numb or your hand or what no like my my arm went numb uh-huh and i just was like you know what and then 30 seconds later it came back to life but i was like trying to say like like holy crap whatever this happened i was just oh fuck you turned into red band amazing absolutely incredible do you smoke did you smoke no i should have though yeah yeah you might as well have well when did you start speaking again it took about like a month for like annunciation yeah again hoping it was way longer yeah no it really sucked but like i remember the doctor nigerian doctor he's like mr khalid did you do any drugs i'm like no because my mom was there you know so even if i did i would be like no where did this happen at why did you have a nigerian doctor do you not have insurance what's going on here no i i grew up in the ghetto patterson new jersey okay yeah all right and your doctor was nigerian what was that like he was an er doctor so but then i got the white doctor after oh okay like to do the heart surgery all right the jewish they escalated it yeah i don't know amazing okay so recovery's been good what's your life like now what do you do for work so i was just working uh it the big uh fintech company got laid off uh wednesday you got laid off how long were you with them eight years eight years and randomly laid off out of nowhere yeah wow so what are you planning on doing that's so interesting you're at a monumental moment in your life trying to get back into comedy yeah okay what else what's a second option here yeah trying to figure out what else we could possibly do maybe music i'll get back into music what did you do musically um i used to be a front man for a band original songs and stuff okay can we hear some can we hear an example of your an original song you tell the band a ballpark of what to do these guys i play guitar though these guys yeah i mean we want to hear you sing where we have a great guitarist here that can do whatever you want is it a what is it a d into a g d a b wait d a b d b oh he's having he's having another stroke everybody uh uh d d b a g like uh like standard punk music yeah it's called better off dead here we go ladies and gentlemen the strokes everybody starts at d it starts at d the strokes i used to ride my skateboard down your street every day but you know come on lose yourself in it damn it all right you used to ride my skateboard down your street every day but now when i see you you just turn the other way we used to call me on the phone every single night but now when i see you you just end up in a fight everything you said stuck in my head we sure never met i'm better all day i agree i do think you're better off dead bk this is amazing dude after seeing you do comedy it's very clear and after seeing you do music that you should be getting another job in it this is absolutely amazing are you guys hiring no all right fuck you have a good sense of humor though you're rolling with everything good you love doing comedy i love it and how long have you lived in austin eight years wow eight years amazing what do you love about austin the scene the music scene you have a girlfriend i got a wife 12 years oh nice so she's stuck by you through the stroke and everything no um that was before that was before okay yeah wow what does she do she's a housewife uh baby mama okay yeah all right what did she say when you got laid off what's going on at the house right now is it our tensions high uh no she she's actually um in egypt right now she left when did she leave uh thursday yeah friday wow really was that a planned trip it was planned okay but what is she doing in egypt uh her family's from gaza oh perfect she's seeing yeah what could possibly go wrong so yeah try to sneak back in i need you it's shit you're trying to back yeah i was gonna say you're bombing here she's bombing yeah i don't know you guys are meant to be yes you know life's rough with bk when she's like i'm gonna head off to gaza for a little bit she's like good luck no she was very supportive though she's like i've been with you 12 years and i've never been insecure about you know your hustle and you just get back on your feet it's great you have someone by your side yeah genocide gaza right now everybody genocide happening now that i'm not in la anymore i can talk about it yay all right bk um uh you know you're getting on your feet the stroke is finally wearing off there's a medium-sized joke thank you so much we're just gonna keep going we're just gonna keep it moving along there he goes bk everybody there he goes get out of here all right on to the next one we go make some noise for your next comedian ladies and gentlemen it's martin malloy everybody martin malloy hi i'm marty the the optimist sees the glasses half full i'm a paranoid schizophrenic so i see two glasses and one of them wants to kill me chicks dig mentally ill guys that's what my cats tell me i went to paris i didn't have to buy a plane ticket i just took mushrooms and watched ratatouille i like this crowd you remind me of my ex-girlfriend she also liked the last guy better someone told me the 90s called and they want their hairstyle back i said really the 90s called i said really the 90s called i said really the 90s called you didn't warn them about 9-11 martin molloy martin molloy martin molloy you got one more whatever the you want you got one more whatever the you want you got one more whatever the you want to do let's go dude i don't give a to do let's go dude i don't give a to do let's go dude i don't give a go do a one hour special let's go that joke cost a twenty dollar haircut that joke cost a twenty dollar haircut that joke cost a twenty dollar haircut five dollar tip and over 3 900 american five dollar tip and over 3 900 american five dollar tip and over 3 900 american lives lives lives that's it i'm martin mulloy that's it i'm martin mulloy that's it i'm martin mulloy holy shit holy shit holy shit what the is this what the is this what the is this oh my god oh my god oh my god jesus christ almighty look at this guy jesus christ almighty look at this guy jesus christ almighty look at this guy i had no idea shane gillis had a brother i had no idea shane gillis had a brother i had no idea shane gillis had a brother this is amazing this is amazing this is amazing holy you're a monster i love your holy you're a monster i love your holy you're a monster i love your jokes i love your stage presence i love jokes i love your stage presence i love jokes i love your stage presence i love everything about you everything about you everything about you talking to that microphone you wild talking to that microphone you wild talking to that microphone you wild beast beast the stage presence i don't do on purpose i the stage presence i don't do on purpose i the stage presence i don't do on purpose i really do have schizophrenia and that really do have schizophrenia and that really do have schizophrenia and that that's the way that's the way i have to that's the way that's the way i have to that's the way that's the way i have to be it's my nervous habits i love it the be it's my nervous habits i love it the be it's my nervous habits i love it the chris o'connor chris o'connor chris o'connor dude i love it when a head and shoulders dude i love it when a head and shoulders dude i love it when a head and shoulders can only point in one direction It's fucking amazing. Just right down the barrel comedy. It fucking rules. I love it, man. I love your schizophrenia. All of your personalities were funnier than the other bucket pools we've had here tonight. Thank you. Hell yeah. This is amazing. Martin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since November 2004, but I couldn't do it for six years because I had an enlarged prostate and I had to pee every three minutes. And so I couldn't work, so I had to live in a group home. They wouldn't give me a catheter. Is that a good enough answer, Tony? No excuses. God damn it. Look at this fucking guy. This is incredible. Martin, you are a freak. You're a natural. I love it. You're so funny. Tony, holy shit. Can I ask how old you are? I'm 60 years old. Turned 60 on March 25th. You turned it on Mother's Day? On March 25th, I turned 60. Oh, okay. Yeah, that happened. You're 60. You might know me. My stage name was Schizo Bill. I was on Opie and Anthony. I don't know if you remember that episode. Wow. You do? Okay. Yeah, wow. I starstruck. Oop. Martin. When I was working, working at McDonald's, the guy, the guy that dressed as Ronald McDonald came in and he was a fan of Opie and Anthony and he knew me. You are adorable. What else have you been doing your whole life? You worked at McDonald's for how long? For about, for about two years on three different times. Okay. So I would leave and come back. Amazing. Why would you leave and come back? Try and get better jobs, but I never did. Son of a bitch. Right now, I drive Lyft and make half my income in standup comedy. Amazing. And, I sell, I sell wristbands and stuff like that for merchandise. And I sell wristbands that say Made in USA by Illegals. You can get, you can get them at Salty Knot Sweet Gift Shop in Lakewood, Ohio. Wow. Wow. Shout out Lakewood, Ohio. You are. Can I drop my, my Instagram or website? You can do anything you want right now, Martin. I'm giving you the Timmy No Breaks treatment. This is just your show right now, Martin. My Instagram is Cleveland Comedian and my website is veryfunnycomedy.com and my website leads to my Instagram. Okay. Absolutely. I only have about 230 more questions for you, Martin. So we could have saved those plugs for the end, but I like that. You're in the middle because it's a little bit off just like you. It's very fitting on the branding side. So you're 60 years old. You're originally from Cleveland, Ohio. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. I grew up in the same town that Logan and Jake Paul did. I used to watch them wrestle when I, when, when they, yeah, they were wrestlers in high school. Lake, Lakeway. I was an alumni wrestler too. Amazing. I used to go back and watch. Lakeway. What? At Lakeway. Well, Westlake. Westlake. That's right. And you're a fan of the Cleveland Indians. I'm taking it. Yeah. Right. Absolutely. And the Cavaliers. Yeah. And sort of the Browns. Right. I know it's rough out there for a Browns fan. It's rough. I'm pretty sure the head coach feels the same way. I noticed they got the Sean Watson as the first in the depth chart on the QB right now. Okay. What does that mean to you? That means he's probably going to start this season. Yep. You think, you think it should be Shador? Maybe. Maybe. Who do you think it should be? Shador. I think it should be Shador. Talking to two different people. Schizo thing checks out. So Martin, you still live in Cleveland or did you move here? I live in Cleveland. Nice. I traveled here just to get on this show and luckily I got picked. That's amazing. When did you get here? Today or yesterday? I got, I got here yesterday. Okay. Amazing. Incredible. And when do you leave? Tomorrow? Tomorrow. Wow. So you came here just for this. Yeah. If there's any comedians out there, if there's a mic I can hit later on this night, let me know. You are something else. I love your style, Martin. All right. When you were on Opie and Anthony, I remember you also on Ron and Fez. I remember Bill Burr used to roast you and everything. Yeah. Bill Burr and Jim Norton tried to get me to kill myself for like an hour. Wow. Wow. I didn't do it, obviously. But. But they, they drove me so crazy I was considering calling the mental hospital. I've had shock treatments. I do jokes about them. Wow. Martin, I love you. What's your love life like? Uh, non-existent. There's this girl, Julia Mary. She's a comedian. I'm working on hooking up with her, but it's not working out. Have you tried? Have you talked with her before? Yes, I'm talking to her and she wants me to buy a house. And then she'll, she said, uh, she'll go out with me. She said, if you, if you buy her a house. If I buy a house and I guess she wants to move in. I don't know. Sounds like a hell of a deal, Martin. Yeah, I'm looking on Habitat for Humanity. I don't know. I was on Last Comic Standing too. Like, let me tell you that story. Yeah. I, I responded to an ad that's saying you had to wear a costume. And so I wore a straight jacket and I, and I, um, I told some jokes and they really weren't laughing. And then I told my final joke. I said, my illness drives me to the ability to feel emotion or compassion like normal people. That's why I'm a Republican. And, and the judges laughed like crazy, but they edited off those judges. They, they put in Norm from Cheers saying we have to pass. And I was never in the same room with Norm from Cheers. Wow. Nothing you're not used to. That is amazing. Isn't it crazy how those big productions, those big television productions that aren't, that aren't real and aren't raw and are overproduced. You're real and I'm going to use Talkspace. I love that. That's right. I'm going to use Talkspace. And if you invite me back here, I'll come and tell everyone how Talkspace went. Can't pass that up. That's amazing. Martin, absolutely incredible. What else about your life would we find interesting? 60 years. I go to the frog jump every year. My nephew won twice. What's the frog jump? It's a valley city frog jump. You jump, you put a frog in the middle of a spread out parachute and you jump it three times. Then they measured the distance from the center. Wow. And I had the second longest jump one year. Wow. Unbelievable. Wait, are you jumping or is it frog? The frog is jumping. And this is a sad story. The first time I- Let me guess. You once, when the first time you did it, you accidentally squoze the frog to death. Yeah. Yeah. You really did? Yeah. Hold on to it. Hold it tight. And I, and I killed it. I used to do a joke about it, but I got too depressed about it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. I did the same thing. My first time I was ever on TV, I was 10 years old and they were filming me. And I was going like this next to the frog. So it would jump as a jumping frog jumping contest. And right when they got to me, I was like, Oh my God, I'm on TV. And I hit the frog. I broke his leg. So much funnier when he does it. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. It's so funny to be like that happened to me. Yeah. This is how we find out Red Band is officially retarded. I'll tell you what, Martin Malloy, there's an open mic happening on the other side of the building in the other room right now. I'm going to send you with the producers backstage and they're going to give you a short set there. I think it's about three minutes. That's fine. If you had to guess how much. One more thing to drop. Okay, drop it. Drop it. The joke I did about the cats chick-stig me, but that's what my cats tell me. Chick-stig mentally ill guy says what my cats tell me. Those are on sale at Salty Nuts Weed in Lakewood, Ohio too. Martin, you are an unbelievable human being and at 60 years old with all of your experience doing it since 2004, I find you so intriguing and it shocks me all the time on this show when people come here with this or that and whether it's a condition or a this, whatever it may be. For some reason in this crazy world, I think this is an art form where maybe being a little bit off or sad or up or down, I think it's kind of built for people that are a little fucked up. Yeah. I'm fine now because I'm on medication. Anyway, what I'm getting at is I get a lot of shit for helping people that are a little bit wacky. But goddammit, every single thing about you is absolutely hilarious. You're an undeniable force. And with that said, you are the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Coltona. Martin Malloy, everybody. Thank you, buddy. Martin Malloy. Congratulations, buddy. Martin, Martin. Wave to these people. Take a bow. They love you. Amazing. From the golden arches to the golden ticket. Right now he's in the back squeezing it so hard that it broke. He oddly didn't seem to give a fuck. Yeah. See that? By the way, if there's a comedian out there that wants to talk shit about how many special needs people I help out, I'd love to let you do a minute and then him do a minute and we'll see who's funnier. Instead of talking shit online, come on, come challenge one of these guys. I love it. Martin Malloy. Funny throughout the entire thing. Sometimes I'm just asking questions waiting for them to not be funny and every time I'm like, fuck. Son of a bitch. But that guy's fucking hilarious. By the way, you have to watch them try to kill Bill Burr and Jim Norton. It's amazing. It's on YouTube. Okay, yeah. Alright. Thank you. Go watch it now. Turn off this episode and go watch an old episode of Opie and Anthony, everybody. It's a real hoot if you were alive in the 70s. Anyway. Alright. Let's keep it going. I loved when you were like, a lot of people give me shit about helping out fucked up people. I was like, no, I'm fine. Ha ha ha ha. I'll take a drink. Go to Salty and Sweet. I really, I want to like, I want to trip. I feel like we should all go to Salty and Sweet. Just show up there. Oh man. Shock the world. Do the frog jump. See which one of our frogs wins. Sounds like, sounds like a lot of fun actually. Hello there. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by the by Odoo. And first off, it's pronounced Odoo. If you run a business, you probably know how annoying it is juggling a bunch of different software subscriptions just to keep things organized. One app for accounting, another for inventory, another for customer management, another for your website. It gets expensive and messy fast. Odoo simplifies all that. Red Band? Odoo. I love Odoo, Tony. It's a truly incredible business tool. It's an all-in-one business management platform with fully integrated apps for CRM, accounting, sales, inventory, HR, marketing, project management, website building, e-commerce, and more. What makes Odoo different is that everything works together in one system. So when you make a sale, your inventory updates automatically. Your accounting sinks. Customer info stays organized. Your whole business runs more efficiently without jumping between platforms. And the best part is you can start with just the apps you need and add more as your business grows. Whether you're running a small business, online store, production company, restaurant, podcast, or a growing brand, Odoo helps keep everything in one place. Check it out and try it for free at odoo.com slash killtony. That's O-D-O-O dot com slash killtony. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You know, recently I hired somebody who was not only qualified, but also genuinely interested in my open role. And that really influenced my decision to hire them. They were eager to learn more about the job. I knew they wanted to work for me. They seemed like a good fit, and their excitement about the role made them stand out. If you're hiring, you want a candidate who's passionate about your role. But you can't get that insight from a resume unless you post your job on ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash killtony. Red band. Oh, man. Tony, I've been loving ZipRecruiter for so long. It's the best hiring site around. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly. And ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first. So you meet the right people faster. No wonder ZipRecruiter's the number one rated hiring site based on G2. I mean, seriously, it's just the most important thing that if you're going to hire somebody, you want somebody that wants the job that you're hiring for. On ZipRecruiter, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash killtony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash killtony. ZipRecruiter. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. All right, we're doing it. This episode is bumpin'. This episode brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Picks and ZipPicks. So, fun. Zip more, smoke less. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of George Essily. George Essily. Hello, Comedy Mothership, One Day After Mother's Day. Daddy's home. It is I, Ugly Ryan Gosseling. Your last comic was a dream come true. Here comes the nightmare. And I just got back from the retard strangling competition. And boy, is my neck sore. I'm sore. This guy got second place in the retard strangling competition. Look how thin his neck is. My name is George, and if I look weird or creepy, it's because I am. I'm an Arab man, even though I look like a Mexican woman. Every cartel member has a picture of me in their wallet that says, do it for her. I want the bear. It's okay. You got it, George. Give me the bear. George, how are you? Okay. Roar. There you go. All right. Red band of Kimberly played into that, but okay. Hi, George. How are you? Hello, Anthony. How are you tonight? I'm great. I'm great. Relax and take a breath for a second. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, George? Ten years. Where at? Canada. What part of Canada? Montreal. Wow. Amazing. And what type of Arab are you? Where are you? Lebanese. Okay. Yeah, habibi. Okay. I love it. What do you do for work, George? I'm in between bushes right now, Anthony. What is that? I live in a bush and I drink the breast milk of lost pets. Somehow you're crazier than the last guy. This is amazing. Please, no loud noises. I'm autistic. I think he's one of the voices. Shut up. The last guy's head. Last place. Retard strangling competition. All right, George. Let people talk a little bit. You're being a little wild over here. I'll allow it. Okay. Thank you. Thanks. So, George, you've been doing it ten years. Tell us more about your life. What else is going on? What have you done this entire time? How old are you? I'm 29. Okay. No, you're not. You're definitely not, George. I'm 50 in four head years. Okay. What are you in real life? What? Okay. I'm a stand-up comedian. How old are you? 29. No, you're not. They took my ID, Anthony. I can prove it. Are you really 29? I'm 29. I started stand-up when I was 19. This is the result. Wow. That's incredible. Holy shit. That's amazing. That's right. You're born in Montreal? Ottawa, Ontario, baby. Right. Absolutely amazing. And let's check in with Chris O'Connor here. It's just hard to go from real weird to fake weird. Yeah, it is. I'm with you. We had the genuine article up here. Oh, yeah. The real deal. Now he's inventing retard strangling crap. Yeah. Sucks. It is true. Martin Malloy is a very tough father. It is a very tough follow. Stinks. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, it is true. First place. Yeah. Does that mean I'm retarded or getting strangled? I don't know. Oh, really? This guy knows? George, any other fun facts about your life that we might find interesting? Well, I got my dicks hooked at a glory hole, and I used to have sex with prostitutes. Okay. Okay, all right. See, I would have never given up. Guess that. I'm an open book. Are you? Yeah. What is it, a coloring book? George, what made you stop hooking up with prostitutes? I have a girlfriend now, Anthony. Where'd you meet this girl at? Montreal at a comedy show. She came up to you after the show and said what? I love you. Wow, straight to love. Amazing, George. Here's a medium-sized joke book, buddy. Oh, very good. All right. There he goes. Thank you. George Essily, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes George, everyone. We have a golden ticket winner, right? Is he back there? I mean, there you go. All right, sweet. We have a golden ticket winner that you know that has done many one-minute sets. We found him here in the great state of Texas many years ago, and now he's a fullback. Full-time comedian. Make some noise. This is the return of the great Enrique Chacon, everybody. Enrique is back. I had a bad dick day the other day. You ever disappoint your girl so much, you have a bad dick day that you enroll into college? I had a bad dick day. I had to clean the whole house, bro. My dick was so bad, man. I had to call up a friend, and they told me to go to the gas station. And get some boner pills. So I'm at the Circle K gas station buying dick pills, and the first thing I realized is that everybody there knows that my dick doesn't work. So I'm choosing the boner pills, and there's no ingredients. Now I've got to choose the boner pill based on the animal and the explosion behind it. I found one that said the vanilla gorilla, bro. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I going to start fucking like Brock Lesnar and break all my IKEA furniture? I found one that said the black mamba. I'm like, if I take this shit, am I going to start fucking like Kobe Bryant? Unconsensually? I found a third one. It was the strongest looking animal. It said the black rhino. I took that shit. I thought I was going to take my girl to a safari. But nah, man. I ended up going to the urgent care. Come on, hard, bro. It wouldn't stop beating. Sure, there's bad dick out there, but have you ever had dick that financially disables your family? Really? Because that's way worse. Anyways, man, that's been my minute. Thank y'all. Enrique Chacon with a whole minute on dick pills. Yes, sir. How you doing, Tony? Fantastic. Is that true? Have you been eating dick pills? Well, sometimes, Tony, you just don't feel a little too confident. You know, I don't have a Blue Chew sponsor or whatever the fuck you got here at KG. Yeah, you should be doing Blue Chew. Those gas station boner pills are unregulated and absolutely, you know, they could be anything. You don't know what you're getting in there. A lot of them are made in the bathtubs of immigrants. Whoa, Tony, chill. Don't talk shit about immigrants, Tony. I mean, you know. Hey, man, look, I felt like I was dying and I was scared, but my dick was hard, bro. You know, I only needed like 10 minutes to just like satisfy my girl, you know, and get on with my life and drop out of college again. You know, that's all I needed. You should never get boner pills at the same place you get lottery tickets. Yeah, that's true. You should try Blue Chew. And they have the new Blue Chew Gold, which actually activates chemicals in your brain and also the physical aspect. So you actually enjoy it more and your partner will enjoy it more. Use the promo code KILLTONY. And we love Blue Chew. Well, fuck you. Hook it up, Tony. Hook it the fuck up, man. You know, help my relationship out, dude. I want to marry this girl one day, bro. I got to fucking put out. So what's going on? Is she complaining? A little bit like Enrique? You know, you come a little too fast, bro. What can you do but like make peanut butter sandwiches afterwards, you know? How fast are we talking? One pump, you just throw it in there and just nut right away? I mean, bro, come on. At least give me like eight pumps, you know, and like a few loud grunts, bro. But it was something like that, you know? Fuck you, dude. Shut the fuck up. This is some personal shit that I'm telling y'all, bro. You know what? Is that what's going on? Eight pumps? You know what? I don't really go to the gym, bro, but I was building a, you know, a goat fence, you know? And you use your legs a lot. I live in the country, man. What the fuck is wrong with y'all, bro? Y'all don't build your own fucking fences, dude? I had a fucking huge-ass log, bro. I'm lifting these logs, bro, and my legs are weak. And whenever I do work out my legs, bro, don't judge me, Matt. Whenever I do work out my legs, you know, then I just feel like, you know, I don't get as hard, bro. Fuck you, Connor. Fuck, what the fuck, dude? I thought this was the fucking bro table, bro. What the fuck? What the fuck? Yeah, that's how bros talk. Never had a heart of heart? You son of a bitch. You start fucking goats or something. What is a goat story? I'm a country boy now, man. I live out in a seven-acre farm with my girl, bro, and I need to have kids. Dude, there's a lot of fucking chores, man. I'm getting baby fever, bro. This is a lot of work. I think baby fever might be the fourth disease on your list of what's wrong. What's wrong with you? You're sweating a lot tonight. You've always been a sweater. Always. Seems a little bit worse than normal. I'm watching a giant drip come down your forehead right now in real time. It's crazy. When I fuck, it feels like it's a fucking waterbed afterwards, you know? All eight pumps? All eight pumps, you son of a bitch. Wow. Yeah. Do you do any foreplay at all before you do the pumping? I always try to make the girl cum a few times before I even put my dick in her. Sure, Redman. I don't believe that. I don't fucking believe that. There's not a human in the world that believes that. I told you about my barbershop. Tell us. Tell us through the process. Why don't you teach? Let's do our senior foreplay correspondent, Brian Redman. So on Amazon, there's this three dick of dildo collections. One's smaller, bigger, and one's crazy. They're all black. It's called the barbershop. I highly recommend it. So what do you do with these? You're just saying other things that do the job that supposedly you just said. Eating and fucking. Eating and fucking. Eating and fucking. You're eating while fucking her with a dildo. Yes. And then eventually, you take your frumpy, diabolical. And then she's like, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it. Then you fuck her. It's like, I'm done. See? It's over. I can't take it anymore. That sounds like rape. We just need to buy some black dildos and golden blue chew. Right. That's how you make a baby. You just take a black dildo and just keep jamming it. And then when- This is going to fucking save my relationship, dude. Yeah. This is great. And when she's crying, just say, Redman told me to do that. It's kind of weird. It's kind of weird, man. I'm not going to even mention Redman. Imagine that she's coming, and I'm like, Redman fucking said hello. Nah. I'm not going to fucking do that. We're really doing it to you. But yeah. Yeah, that. And I guess I have a white mother-in-law now, you know? She came to visit. My girl's half black, half white, you know? Really? Yeah. Thank God she got a black booty. You know? I've always been into black bitches, you know? Wow. And yeah. But it's not a regular white lady like Matt's mom, maybe. Maybe Matt, you know? It's like an Alabama white lady, dude. Like, she doesn't make muffins or anything. Like, she catches cats, you know? That's what she does. Okay. Yeah, so. My mom is way cooler than your girl's mom. And she's Mexican. That's right. Fuck yeah. Enrique, fun set. Thank you. Get it together, bud. Get that dick hard and do better. Dude, help me out with the Bluetooth, man. I'll be fucking hard next time, bro. Absolutely. Let's get Enrique some blue chew on his way out. We have some on the other side of the curtain. Thank you so much, man. Appreciate you. There he goes. Enrique Chacon, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. That's what we do for our people here. We get your dick hard. This is Kill Tony. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough. Enough to get lost. Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on Hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20% to get the stay you expected. When you want savings, not surprises. It matters where you stay. Hilton, for the stay. Some things are impossible to miss. Like an elephant in the room. Or a bull in a china shop. Or this season's amazing office. Brought to you by PayPal. Discover offers from hundreds of brands like Viator, Allbirds, and Tory Burch. Right in the PayPal app. Save an offer before you check out with PayPal. And earn unlimited rewards. Download the PayPal app to get started. Terms and exclusions apply. See PayPal.com slash rewards terms. Next to the bucket pool, he goes by the name of Greg McHowan, everybody. We're going to meet Greg all together now. What's going on, Austin? What's up? Oh, so a lot's been going on in my life recently. I started dating this new girl. She's actually very spontaneous. And I speak for a lot of men here when I say we love spontaneous women. Like, she's the type of girl that'd be like, babe, come over here real quick. And I'll come over and she'll be like, I want you to put my dick in the Cheerios and let me drink the milk out of the bowl. That's the type of spontaneity. your life. that's the type of spontaneity i think it's because like my last girl she wasn't really spontaneous spontaneous i love how everybody laughed at that yeah she was not really spontaneous at all bro she was hella crazy she was hella fucking crazy like it's crazy when you find out she's crazy halfway during the game of monopoly very crazy like halfway through the game she'll just say stuff that's like passive aggressive to try to hurt me she'll be saying stuff like how you buying up all the whore houses around the board yet we're playing monopoly in a studio apartment like let that make sense bitch like it should make no sense the shit made no fucking sense it's fucking crazy especially when she's like all right there you go you want to finish it greg uh do you want to finish you're close to the end there uh no i actually had like another 30 seconds okay well yeah i'm gonna stop you there all right um great you so let's talk about it this is a girlfriend or just a girl you've been seeing uh girlfriend now officially a couple weeks now and she's black yep she's black is spontaneous her name no no no spontaneous jenkins wide receiver university alabama no she's pretty fucking cool she's pretty cool she's been like traveling all over the uh the world she's been like france greece and a lot of other places portugal what is she what is she a flight attendant no she's an actually not a flight attendant she's um she does a lot of work from home stuff so like basically she gets paid to travel and escort maybe you might be on to something she might be actually secret double life guys what do we think about uh did i mishear that or did he say his girlfriend has a dick did you say that that's the hot topic no she does you walked over and then she puts her dick in the cereal and lets me drink the milk out the bowl i'm so glad you said that that is just gay enough for d madness to leave a resident homophobe the reigning defending homophobic champion of the world he's got no eyes but boy does he have an opinion yeah when d fucks a bowl of cereal it's on accident man baby your pussy cold as shit this morning i was surprised he found his way out i was like what the fuck man you better fucking respect the imagination you are a temporary guest in this house greg how old are you i'm 29 how long you been on stand-up uh two and a half years all of it here in austin not all of it here in austin uh dallas texas originally yeah what do you do for work what type of uh kiosk do you work at for lives i actually work at the chicken salad chick i actually have the hat at this moment this is great the chicken salad chick yep yep i work there as like a shift leader oh yeah last time i came here i didn't have a job okay so now i have a job so how's that working on it seems like heaven if you're at places with chicken oh yeah it's pretty cool surprisingly that's like me working at the cock factory you know what i mean it's crazy i'm the only black guy that works there it's amazing i could see why that would be they want to it is chicken salad right that is the whiter version it's the whiter version but i bet you get you're back in the kitchen they're cutting it up a little bit little yeah i do i do like a lot of different stuff like i train in a lot of different areas okay like what can you train us can you train us to make a great chicken salad train y'all to make a great chick with no ingredients right now go ahead name them off shit how do you do it um basically uh cut up the chicken and stuff like that and uh mix it in with a lot of different ingredients they have like their own recipes for like how about your own when you're making your own chicken what's something crazy you throw in there his dick yeah see there we go how did you know you said it in your joke there you go there you go what's the wildest thing you ever put in your uh chicken salad in my chicken salad i'm not a chicken salad eater actually i just work there okay perfect that makes sense i could see why that would be you get chicken salad once oh you're on your sandwich diet i forgot chick is awesome red band is losing weight by exclusively eating sandwiches that's how unhealthy he was before i'm not kidding by the way it sounds like a joke i'm not kidding am i kidding nope i'm being dead serious he ate so unhealthy before that eating exclusively sandwiches he's shedding pounds it's unbelievable subway shit you know it's amazing yeah totally that totally worked back then that wasn't false advertising whatsoever that jared guy was super honest you can trust him with your anything i love it greg mccowan yeah um what's the uh you ever gotten in trouble with the law uh why do you ask tony i've asked everybody that specifically me though i've been asking everybody all night uh shit let me think let me think uh i saw i got caught selling weed before oh wow in dallas yeah in dallas by the police yep by the police how did they catch you how did they catch you was it a sting uh no no no they just profiled me they literally just profiled me they was like yeah he's a young black guy walking back like i was walking from the bus stop with a backpack on he was like yeah you matched the description yeah and he's like you got me yeah you caught me black handed yeah literally literally god damn how much weed did you have on you oh ballpark i don't need the i don't really want to disclose that why is the case still open it's not still open it's like uh it's been like dropped and shit so you don't want them to pick up you don't want them i don't want to spontaneously pick it back watch this and be like yeah you know it comes back to light yeah cold case files there's that so many criminals are caught here being pulled out of the bucket on kill tony caught many of people greg you got a girlfriend right now what's your love life like uh yeah i got a girlfriend like i said oh that's real okay so it's a couple weeks where'd you meet her at uh i met her here in austin where in austin uh bar on sixth street just a random bar just a random and there you were did you go up to her did she come up to you uh i went up to her what'd you say what was your big opening line i'll fuck your cereal yeah like that was my second line the first line was like what are you drinking so like before i know to put my dick in it i want to know exactly what it is i'm putting my dick in so cocoa puffs is it a black girl or a white girl yeah it's a black girl okay yeah all right she a little thicker slim slim slim slim bill she works out and stuff okay very good what does she do for work uh right now she actually left austin to go to chicago she just left austin to go to chicago and um basically now she works at like a marriott okay yeah she had to just like find a job so in chicago yeah in chicago now it's been like a couple days now so i'm i'm with you chris i'm pretty sure we're fine together we're realizing before yeah yeah we're still together you guys talk on your like cricket phone or something my pigeon no i'm just playing oh no uh we facetime and stuff nice do you guys ever have a phone sex while facetiming oh yeah you do yeah you do now when you're when you're having supposed to like facetime sex well how do you do that do you like i have a bowl of cereal with me no but seriously you like hold it in one hand well yeah i hold the bowl in one hand all right let's take the cereal out of it i know you love it i know you love a good fucking cereal joke but in real life because i find that to be very interesting right it's a hard it's hard to hold the phone how do you do it do you have any special ways to uh you just got to hold it from like different angles bro like you got to catch everything right you know i'm saying that you're dealing with the front camera so you got to get it from like here and then you got to like sideways so like it looks bigger on the way right do you really think you're gonna stay together i can't entertain that this is crazy we both love food and cereal bro yes i believe we're definitely gonna she moved to chicago you work at a chicken salad place yeah you met at a bar on sixth street she works at a marion yeah he even agreed with y'all oh how'd you end up with an irish last name huh how did i yeah i have no idea bro you're gonna have to ask my dad on that one literally named me after himself he probably stole it like right whoa he probably stole it then gave it to me to like you know to get away from my friend here's a medium-sized joke book greg thank you so much for coming on we're gonna keep it moving you gotta keep rolling here all right there you got a big one there he goes all right great give back the big one all right there's the lovely heidi everybody all right make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody It's Luke Stamm, everyone. Here comes Luke Stamm. My father taught me to carry a rubber on me at all times because it helps make women feel safe and I never know when I'm going to need it. But I feel like I'm doing something wrong because any time I pull out my rubber, women don't feel safe at all. So say you, say meet you, like, right here, right now. And I take you home like I plan on doing. You know, we're getting hot and heavy. It's time for me to pull out my rubber. I just tell you, if you don't stick my fucking cock in your mouth right now, bitch, I swear to Christ, if you don't put my pee-pee in your piehole, whore, I need you to, please, I need you to do this for me. I love you. You're acting too much like your mom. Oh, God damn. Sir, I got bad news for you. Now you got to stick my cock in your mouth. Do you have a gap in your teeth? Well, for the joke, it hit you. Yeah, you don't have a gap in your teeth. I can make one. And I need the gap. I love the gap because I got a vein on the side of my cock. It looks like if your thumb had a pinky grown down the side of it. And I want that vein to nestle in the gap in your teeth like a jockey on a set. All right, Luke. All right, we hit the time limit there. Wow. Can you hand me my career back, please? My goodness. Luke, welcome to the show. I've never seen a guy that looks like a rapist that rapes rapists. Hey, I'm doing the Lord's work. Yeah, like some kind of superhero that when he finds a rape happening, you get behind the rapist and just absolutely raw dog him until he's crying and apologizing. I rectally bludgeon those who need it. Screaming that he'll never rape again. He's the Dexter of rapists. Yeah. He genuinely looks like a Farsight cartoon. Yeah. It is incredible. You're very cartoony, Luke. How long you been doing stand-up? Going on six years now. How old are you? I'm 29. There's no fucking way you're 29. There's no way you're 29. I just turned 29 a few weeks ago. Oh, my fucking God. What is happening in this world? We need to. It's been a long, rough, hard life. What's been going on with you? What is the last. I mean, Jesus, you couldn't have looked like this when you were 20. What happened? I've looked like this since I was 18. Why? How? How? A lot of drugs and alcohol. Okay. What kind of drugs? Cocaine, alcohol, pills, a lot of. But I will be two years sober this month. Oh, congratulations. Amazing. What do you do to stay sober? What do you do to scratch that itch? I read a ton of books and just fester in my own anger in my own apartment. Wow. Incredible. You live by yourself? That I do. Amazing. Studio apartment? Studio apartment. Cement floors. I've broken three bottles of hot sauce. Oh, damn. I put the hot sauce on eggs and I get too excited to eat them and then the bottle falls out of my hand when I go to the fridge. I can't even imagine the end. Shit! Son of a bitch! It's brutal every time. I've spent, it's like, $15 in hot sauce. So when the police come over and see a bunch of red stains on your floor, you go, it's just hot sauce, officer. I promise it's just hot sauce. Incredible. And there's a bunch of rubber bands on the floor. I'm just working on my material. Yeah. I'm a prop comic. Amazing. And what can people. If we were to go to your studio apartment, what are on the walls of this studio apartment? On the walls? I feel like there's no windows in your place. There's one window, but there's a bunch of home windows. There's homeless people screaming outside of it all the time. Wow. Amazing. And then, yeah, just, like, pictures. Pictures of what? Just my own show posters. Oh, okay. Yeah. Nothing else. No pictures of any humans that you've taken? No, actually, I do collect pictures from Goodwill that just are other people. Okay. And I buy the frames, and then I hang them up. Wow. And then I make up stories for them. Like, you know, if people come over, they come over to my house, they're like, who's that? I was like, oh, that was my cousin, Kathy. She died in a horrific accident. Right. Wow. You are a funny, interesting guy, Luke. Amazing. What do you do for work? What do I do for work? I've actually been fired from every job I've ever had, so I started my own company, and I clean people's cars. You clean people's cars? Yeah, I make them clean. You go to them? I drive to them, yeah, when I got. Everything I need fits in my trunk, and making it work somehow. Amazing. Is your car clean? No, my car's destroyed. I go on the road, like, so I live in my car. I don't actually live in my car, but going on the road, there's just. And I have people like Keith Ray, like, you know, pigs in the car. Yeah, that's crazy. What's your love life like, Luke? What is. I was born to walk this earth alone. I am married to the game, if you will. And the game is Magic the Gathering. No, I don't play that nerd shit. No, fuck no. I love it. When's the last time you were with a woman? When is the last time? Like, a month or so ago. Oh, okay. All right, that's. Okay, so what happened a month ago? Take us through it exactly. How did you meet this person? How did I meet this person? She just saw me on this show. Oh. Before, and then she's like, oh, that was funny. I was like, let's make out. We were teenagers in the parking lot. Okay, and that's what you did? Yeah. You made out in a parking lot? Yeah. You didn't take her to your place? I was on the road, so I didn't have a place to take her to. I was staying at my friend's house with a bunch of children in the house, and I didn't want to subject the kids to my noises, if you will. Absolutely. Uh-oh, Uncle Luke's breaking hot sauce again in the picture. Amazing, Luke. Have you ever gotten in trouble? Have you ever gotten in trouble with the law? Have you ever been put in jail? I mean, yeah, I've been handcuffed several times, like underage drinking charges, but I drove drunk every day for like six years, and they never caught me. It was amazing. Wow. Yeah. What was your trick to being such a great drunk driver? Cocaine. Oh, okay. Yep, that'll do it. Lots and lots of cocaine. A scary amount of cocaine, even for people that did cocaine. Amazing. You know, I've never done it. How would you describe that to people? It kind of feels like I've done it before. It kind of feels like, you know what it feels like whenever you wake up Christmas morning when you're a kid and you find out Santa's already dropped off the presents? You get like a nice, warm feeling like that. How long does that last for? Ten minutes. Yeah, amazing. And then it's time for Santa to visit again. That's it. That's funny, Luke. You have a big joke book already? Yes. Matt Edgar. Two of them. What's up? Oh, no, nothing. Oh, okay. You already got one. Yeah. There you go. Luke Stamm, everybody. Thank you, guys. I need that. We're going to keep moving. Oh, he really needs the rubber band. A little fun fact. I can't possibly buy. A 1,000-pack off Amazon for $3 right now. Using the promo code KILLTONY. What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? It's the real California farm families behind it. Real people. Real care. Real intention. Why? Because real matters. So whether you're pouring milk, melting the cheese, or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt, keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk by real California farm families. Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals at The Home Depot. It's time to fire up summer cookouts with the Next Grill 4-Burner Gas Grill on special buy for only $199. And entertain all season with the Hampton Bay West Grove 7-Piece Outdoor Dining Set for only $499. This Memorial Day, get low prices guaranteed. At The Home Depot. While supplies last, pricing valid May 14th through May 27th. U.S. only exclusions apply. See homedepot.com slash price match for details. All right, your next bucket pool. We having fun tonight or what, huh? This is as real as it gets, people. Next one's for your next bucket pool. Eric Blair, everybody. It's Eric Blair. It's often been said that you're better off being born black than gay because at least you don't have to tell your parents. But here's who do have to tell their parents. The ugly white bitches who are fucking them. Chelsea Handler. And to those people in the year 2026 who are still opposed to their white daughters dating black men, I have this to say. I agree with you. Because I'm opposed to reversing evolution. That's right. These ugly white bitches are ruining the DNA of the world's greatest athletes. And in doing so, they're ruining the future of professional sports. Because future generations may not get to see a man jump from the free throw line and dunk in somebody's fucking face. Because there won't be any real black people left at some point. Instead, there'll be a whole court full of sex. Steph Curry-looking motherfuckers who have to shoot pull-up threes from half-court because they have no game above the rim. So, ugly white bitches, keep your hands off our black people. Find somebody else to make you a single mom. I'm Eric Blair. Eric Blair. Some punched-up hate speech there. Welcome to the show, my friend. This is your first time here. Yeah, Chris. I think he just really cares about basketball. He seems like a big fan. Yeah, that wasn't racist at all. Welcome. Thank you. How do you feel? Feels great. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's my first time. Wow, his first time. How old are you, Eric? Don't say 29, please, for the love of God. Anything but 29. 51. Perfect. That's an acceptable answer. What made you want to start stand-up now here? This show. Yeah. I became a fan about a year ago, and, like, you know, I never really cared about stand-up that much until I saw this show and said, hey, this shit is for me, so. Hell, yeah. And here you are, your very first time. What's different? Is this how you envisioned it? I'm sure a lot of people out there watching probably think about signing up eventually or trying it. Explain from your perspective, a fan of a year, here you are. What's out of the ordinary? What stands out to you? I mean, honestly, it's only my second time to come to the Bucket Pool. Mm-hmm. But, I mean, I've been in this room before for other stuff and. To see a show. It's just, well, I think, I mean, I think this is the same room that, like, the main stuff happens, yeah. Yeah. But, uh. This is the room where the main stuff happens. Yeah. This is it. But, uh, yeah, I've been in here. It's like, we're at the mothership, right? Right. No, I mean, it's just, it feels fucking awesome to be standing here watching this show on YouTube every Monday and then, like, being, you know, standing here now. It's fucking amazing. Somebody just broke in. Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head because they were expecting a better answer than that about how you envisioned it and how it's different. Is there anything different than how you pictured it? Uh, the lights are not as bright as I expected because so many people here wear sunglasses. So I was like, shit, the lights don't see really. The ball cap is what does that, though. Your eyes are protected by the coverage. Um, Eric, what do you do for work? Uh, I'm a lawyer. No way. Yeah. Really? For, like, bikers or something? No. Uh, I mean, I would be if they paid me. I mean, whoever's got the fucking money. What kind of law are you into? Litigation. Okay. How long have you been doing that? About 20 years now. Wow. And you do that where? Uh, here in Austin. Okay. How long have you lived here? Uh, went to UT undergrad, went off to law school, came back, and so I've been here since about 2011. Amazing. Uh, what's your love life like? Um, you know, I went through a lot of things. I went through a long period where pussy was kind of controlling my life. And, um, you know, it's just, uh, I'm kind of, like, wanting to do other stuff now. One of the reasons I wanted to do this. You know, it's, like, a better outlet. And cheaper. You know, this is free. Right. I don't have to pay for fucking dinners at Red Ash and shit. Exactly. You're exactly right. That's a real good point. Those dinners add up. Um, Eric, what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Yeah. So, I love playing poker. Um. Uh, drinking. Hold on. I gotta check in with Chris. Sometimes he just starts cracking up. I know. He's just putting a whole new patina on the. Stop fucking black dudes, bitch. Were you losing? I'm sorry? Were you losing out to black dudes all the time? No. No, I don't fuck the ugly bitches. See, that was about the ugly bitches. Ooh. Look at this guy. Jesus Christ. Order in the court. amazing so eric so like the last woman you were with did she leave like a bad taste in your mouth or something like that kind of i just got burned out with it you know it's just like can you talk more detail about what burnt you out exactly other than the spending money on dinner spending money you know cycling through a bunch of chicks it just were you doing this on like dating sites and stuff yeah online dating right absolutely what's the worst online date you ever went on is there one that really stands out to you where you're like god i fucked up there is yeah so uh met a chick online showed up at 24 diner saw a chick standing outside who i knew was her she looked like she was in some kind of like church dress this is like july 4th weekend right in what like a church dress like long sleeves and church dress it's july 4th yeah it's hot scorching and so i was like and she looks kind of fucking fat too uh-huh and not too great looking filters and shit in the picture god damn it's gonna be a hell of a restaurant bill it's gonna it's gonna well you went from red ash to fat ass this is 24 diners so not so much but right anyway as i got to looking at her i'm like holy fuck she's in a maternity dress so the bitch was pregnant oh shit that's hot yeah well now you're now you're paying for two restaurant bills not not not for me so i was like what the fuck am i gonna do like i don't want to sit here and wait for 30 minutes to get a table with this bitch so basically i look for an escape route right so i saw the bus boys going out the back door and i'm like hey i have to go to the bathroom so i act like i went to the bathroom and escape so was this let me go ahead matt edgar so you're on a date with a pregnant woman and then you aborted absolutely absolutely i'm pro-choice when it comes to those dates yeah your choice actually mandatory abortion at that point so let me ask you this did anyone come over to take your drink order when by the time that you decided i'd already decided to get up and leave it was brunch so no one came over but yeah it was brunch what does that mean like it was like a buffet or something no it's just like it was like early so it wasn't really like you know but you guys hadn't put an order in not yet no right waiting for the table yes you were just waiting for the table correct and then you went out the back door right wow wow no don't do that don't do that that'll set up the copyright things we literally can't play any music anymore i'm sick of giving fucking cbs our money all right whoever owns the people's court like there's a thing going on with youtube they have robots controlling you can't do anything anymore anyway we might need you to litigate for us amazing so you got kind of catfished and you weren't having it so you were out that's interesting that a pregnant woman would do that yeah and it was like second trimester too this wasn't like a little pregnancy wow incredible so that wasn't hot at all to you like you didn't think like maybe i could get that pregnant bitch absolutely not that was fucking disgusting she was about to burst it's never it's never good when a hand comes out and the baby's hands like check please uh okay let's do this before i let you go how about the best online date you ever had what was just the fucking absolute wow that was unbelievable i feel like i got it's the same story well i went out with a chick to jay carver's great restaurant here in town yes um sitting next to her at the bar she said hey do you mind if we go back to your place all right i was like sure yeah turns out she wasn't wearing panties so i put her up on the bar and her pussy hold on at jay carver no at my place you have a bar at your place yes yeah like you know the bar in the kitchen so i threw up the counter yeah got it big difference there but yeah okay the counter yeah anyway ate her pussy and fucked the shit out of her like within one hour so it was a great date amazing look at that she was hot you didn't even have to bust out your triple dildo set like red panda's over here barber shop he used his fingers and his mouth like an adult only one time with that girl yeah i went out with her for a little while she was she was latina though so she was a little crazy so of course yeah did her water break yeah no this one wasn't pregnant so amazing was the pregnant one latina no no she wasn't surprisingly incredible yeah that's kind of amazing all right well fun times eric even though it was your first time and the set was uh interesting uh it was good enough of a first set to earn yourself a big joke book my friend eric blair congratulations his first time doing stand-up in front of millions of people isn't that interesting you guys having fun still make some noise for your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen it's ty reynold here comes ty reynold hi everybody my name is ty i'm from baltimore maryland i just moved down to austin it's very violent in baltimore down here it's just like domestic violence so it's cool i bought a more gangster as hell but i can't be a gangster because i'm ticklish you ever try to hold somebody up don't give me all your mother chill y'all chill y'all chill i knew i wasn't a gangster because i got in a shootout one time and i had thong flip-flops on You ever been raped? running for your life and throwing flip-flops. I thought the shootout lasted 20 minutes longer 'cause of my heels was clapping down the street. All right, that's my motherfucking tie. - Boom, great set. Ty Reynolds, you've been on before, correct? - Yes, sir. - I remember you. Very funny man. Welcome back. Another good set. How do you feel? - I feel great, man. - Thank you again. - Of course, absolutely. How old are you, Ty? - I am 37. - Perfect, amazing. You don't look a day over 29. Remind us, Ty, how long you been doing standup? - I've been doing standup for 10 years. I just turned 37 this year. - Perfect, that's how it goes, yes. Believe it or not, you're gonna turn 38 next year, 39 the year after that. It is crazy. It never stops. It just keeps going up. - I know, but I know I'm getting old now because I like watch "The Price is Right" and I don't want, the car and shit. I'd be like, "Damn, that's a nice refrigerator." - I'm with you, actually, on that. I've been watching old episodes. Did I talk about this recently? Yeah, I've been watching old episodes of "The Price is Right" on YouTube. Bob Barker was the absolute man. He was so very, very racist. He also hated ugly women. So it's absolutely incredible. - I mean, I think everybody hates ugly women. - Yeah, but this guy was like putting on a show for all of America in front of tens of millions of people back when there was only three channels. And if there was a hot chick, I don't know if you remember this, he would do this thing where he'd kiss them on the cheek and do both cheeks if they're like real hot, one cheek if they're like a seven or eight. And then I swear to God, sometimes a fucking ugly woman would win the thing and they'd come up-- - Tony, you wanna wrap this up like you working on my time? - That's very funny. I was just getting to it. It's crazy because obviously the punchline was right around the corner and then you had to interject to try to have this cool viral moment for your stupid Instagram page. And then you got it, buddy. That's how it works. Congratulations, you did it, you fucking asshole piece of shit. Who could have guessed that the punchline was right around the corner there? You've been doing it a long time. I bet you knew that it was right there, but you had your one chance to do it. - I'll be waiting, it's your show. - No, I know, I know. It's been working the whole goddamn time. Go ahead, Matt Edgar. - Well, I wanted to know the punchline. Was it that, that he showed up? He shook her hand? - Oh, not only that, but literally he would, there was, there's times where he's literally running away from a person like this. Just like, dude, full spanked. - Dude, you're your animal. - Yeah, exactly. I mean, just running for his life. He'd also didn't like dudes on the show 'cause he knew that dudes wouldn't keep the viewers. He's like, I want hot chicks. You can tell that the thing kind of sways towards hot chicks. I mean, they're not pulling names out of a bucket. - Again, I mean, like, guys. - Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fucking with y'all. - Okay, cool. I'm just talking about the price is right. Sometimes we talk about things. You mad that it's not about you the whole time? - Yeah, just a little bit. But no, I saw the documentary too. - You what? - Documentary. I saw it, I saw it. It was on Netflix. You were just on Netflix. - Wow. Wait, have you visited, Santa been visiting your place lately? Little bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and all about you over here. Scott Williams, motherfucker. Ty, what's a quality about you that we haven't heard about since you want to talk about yourself so much? We can't talk about the price is right for 20 fucking seconds without you turning into an ignorant little baby. Go ahead, take over, pal. - No, I just want to say happy Mother's Day to all the mothers and shit. - Wow. What about fathers? How do you feel about Father's Day? - I know my dad, I know my dad. Now, look at y'all. I just wish he'd get deported, though. I ain't gonna lie to you. He from St. Lucia. He got a netted shirt for every holiday. - He got a what? - Netted shirt for every holiday. He came up here, one winner, with a long-sleeve, netted shirt. - Nutted? - Open-toed. - Nutted shirt? - Netted, netted, netted. - Netted? - Netted. - Yes, netted. - Netted shirt. You know it's bad when the Asian woman is translating. Netted shirt. - I netted the shirt to her. - All right, Ty. Well, fun times. - That was "nutted shirt" the first three times, right? - Yeah, pretty positive. - Yeah, well, he wasn't even close. - Yeah, nutted shirt. - Damn. He started off so good, dude. - Yeah, it did, it did. It's a shame. I was just about to get to that Price is Right thing, and then, you know, it's just a fun fact. A little something to go down a YouTube rabbit hole on. Then there was something else. What was the other thing? Yeah, racist for sure. Disgusted by black people. I mean, there was a different time when you could actually just show how you felt. Anyway. I'm kidding. Ty, you already have a big joke book, right? - Yes, sir. - Perfect. There you go. Sign up again sometime. We'll see you again soon. There goes Ty Renard, everybody. - Yeah, have a good one. - We're gonna keep it moving along. Your next Bucket Bull is David Kahn. Come on down, David. rap shit. If you don't hear their traps, this is not a true exclusive. Damn son, where'd you find this? Did you guys ever download rap music illegally in the 90s? I wanted to sing a song for you guys real quick. This is dedicated to the man in the sky. Will they open up the gates? For Bill Gates. Oh, shut your mouth. Get back in line. Don't you dare. All right. Jesus Christ. Fuck. This is not the schizophrenic performer from tonight, somehow. Amazing. David, hello. How are you? Is this your first time on the show? Hell yeah. How long have you been doing whatever it is that that just was? I played music for a living for a long time, but I've been doing stand-up for about a year and trying to combine them for a shorter period of time. What made you want to start stand-up a year ago exactly? What exactly was it about stand-up? What drew you to it? I've always been the class clown as a kid, and I feel like I've always told myself I would get into it, but I'm 36 years old, and I'm like, shit, if I'm not going to do it now, I'm probably lying to myself. I'm never going to do it, so I moved down here. How's it been going? It's been going great. I love it. I've been doing mics every day, and I got to do the Mothership mic last year, and it went pretty well, okay, I guess. What were you doing musically before? I still play music for a living all the time, like around town. You play acoustic guitar, and you sing. Yeah. And not the Bill Gates song. I do covers of Bruno Mars and stuff. Right. Nobody pays me for the Bill Gates song yet. That makes sense. You exclusively make money playing music? I do. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. Where do you play around here? I play at the Edge rooftop on the Marriott. I played at the Culinary Dropout in the Domain, playing like a 17-year-old birthday party next weekend. A lot of Marriott references this episode. Yeah? A lot of, we've had, yeah, anyway. Amazing. What's the coolest thing that's ever happened to you while playing live music? I did an arena tour. I did an arena tour internationally around Europe in 2019, and one of the guys in the band was an Elvis bandmate. He did 1,000 concerts with Elvis, so I had a mutual bandmate with Elvis Presley for about three months and toured around Europe with that. That's cool. How'd you end up doing arenas? What is that tour? They found me on the internet. Believe it or not, I have one of the largest vocal ranges of anybody alive. Great. Well, let's hear it. You can find it. Okay. What's your highest, and let's start at your highest and go to your lowest. Oh, Luke, I am your father. Amazing. That is a vocal range. Good job, Kino, on the lights there. Amazing. Was that good? I mean, nobody really cares about having a vocal range. You know, the best music's like one octave, like Kelly Clarkson, but if you're a nerd, you don't care. Yeah? I mean, I could belt something out, but I was trying to do a whistle tone. There's a video of me doing some really nice Ariana Grande whistle tones, if you look me up on the internet, that people make. Can't do it now? Just do it now. Liar! I mean. I didn't warm up my whistle range. I'm a bass. It takes me like an hour to warm that up. That makes sense. Yeah. I could see how that would be. David Kahn. What else? Tell us about your life. Tell us some more fun facts about your life that we might find interesting. What stands you apart from everybody else? up as a big skater guy i still skateboard a lot love it what else what else um uh anytime people's answers something on a board i live in a van full time i've done that for seven years i've traveled from canada all the way i've driven to san cabo san lucas that's pretty scary i almost got arrested by the police and i had to bribe them a couple times yeah they do that in mexico right yep 28 bucks is it going right wow you didn't sing him a song no i'm trying not to go to jail okay david khan how about your love life what's that like uh it's a failure right now i was dating this girl i actually had a joke i was thinking about coming in and doing stand-up but i'm like maybe i should just sing a song because i was like you're gonna look at me as the singer now from now on but really i'm trying to do stand-up too but i had a joke about a girl i'm saying i'm seeing why don't you do it like you would have done it if you did that all right instead of the dog i appreciate it thank you um so i was eating out this girl i'm dating as of recently and uh she doesn't shave which is fine but uh i ran into an issue when i was chewing a piece of gum keyword was so it became this game of me uh trying to keep her right under organism orgasm uh just about to be uh distracted enough where i can extract these pieces of gum from her bush and i would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for her overly curious dog you ever seen one of those before all right play more music i'm sorry all right david fun times keep practicing and working at it here's a little joke book for now there goes david khan we're gonna keep it moving gotta keep moving some interesting ones so far for those of you keeping track it is the schizophrenic old man that absolutely stole the night from all these artists that signed up here tonight let's see where we go from here make some noise for will from miami it's will from miami is his name behold four inches everybody take perspective it's a small sure it's a huge monster cock roach that's four inches to fear in the bedroom when you see one you're not sure whether to feel worse that you're truly living in filth or that it's mugging you so badly as you do don't ask how i know all right i happen to know a lot of and based on the that i know dubai chocolate sounds disgusting it doesn't sound delicious at all it doesn't help that it's green either anyway people ask me if i'm gay and i say no but i've spent a lot of time with gay guys so i'd be lying if i said none of them ever rubbed off on me you know what i mean am i gay i mean i don't know i mean i've heard of bisexual erasure i'm pretty sure that's what my brain does when i close the pornography tabs before bed good night my twink prince anyways uh i wanted to join the military when i was younger but i couldn't in those days apparently uncle sam wants you to be an alcoholic but like later when it's the va's problem not the cos anyway so all right tony you look very disappointed well i mean the fact that you're looking at me says everything right now yeah hundreds of people out there third time going on stage in any capacity what made you choose this i haven't taken it on the on the road yet you know what i mean so this this like your show you mean yeah i feel like my you know because i've came out here to do it i feel like my jokes obviously you know they're not horrible i mean they could they could do some you know you know your dick has more inches than laughs you just got it's true yeah i got the six inch curly cute cockroach crawling around in my pants it's true what happened to the four inch it got bigger you just get no six i've looked it up there's no such thing as a six inch cockroach you're right there's only it get it up up to four okay i can't tell where the one joke ends and the other yeah yeah i'm doing my best to check in with chris i just don't know what the he's saying i know i have no idea what he's talking about well that says something to me i don't know well that says something that you don't have the small gawk i mean okay let's just let's just take the issue yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry the issue is that wire to wire just totally incoherent yeah it's true nobody understands what the you're talking about do i do i sound like i have a speech impediment or something not even it's what you're saying that's the craziest part is that you're actually one of the clearest speakers that we've had here up today everything that everything that you're clearly saying articulately i'm sorry no no no we've had retarded people up they killed tonight you can't blame it on that either fair enough it's okay it's all right it's just not the really the place to be doing your third ever i understood the schizophrenic and the black guy from baltimore way better yeah way better and then one of them needed a chinese translator at one point so imagine imagine okay well let's at least find out more about your life funny stuff that you could be talking about obviously you are will from miami you're wearing a miami jersey unfortunately yeah okay why unfortunately because it's given me this toxic personality that is not enjoyable for people to to to to experience that anyway that's the realest thing that you've said since you got it may i say a little bit to try to redeem myself in in your eyes i'm divorced i'm i'm not i don't get any and i i'm not there you go and i'm doing my best i'm not i'm i'm devoid of confidence you know i'm not i know you i know how you get what you should have said during the minute i know that's amazing i think i'm too clever and i i don't want to you're not you're not see there you go you're getting sliding back into that yeah it's just it's an issue that is pervasive you're not i'm not i'm not the only one who has this mistaken belief okay whatever you seem like a nice guy i am no i'm not trying to be defensive i'm just i'm just i'm trying not to kill myself when i go home tonight don't kill yourself yeah i'm trying to i'm not the only one who's a loser it's okay you know what i mean well relax i'm relaxed stop stop stop are you on adderall or something right now no i don't even no it's just okay relax take a breath take a breath yes just relax what was the trip like from miami uh i mean i was like cutting off people and driving on the shoulder and doing all these crazy maneuvers and stuff and then uh and then when i got here someone tried to kill me on the road and i was feeling bad the whole time that i was doing all these maneuvers but then when the guy was trying to kill me i felt i felt like maybe god was preparing me for this sort of dark souls encounter holy that i had up the first the first or second day that i'm in austin so so you know i'm happy to be alive today i guess you know will so let's talk about it how old are you michael i appreciate huh how old are you i'm 32. 32. what made you want to start stand up now uh yeah i'm you know you can you think yeah i don't got anything else going on really what have you been doing what do you do for work work you name it i've done it sold it uh uh but you know i've had every type of you gotta you gotta simpler questions yeah how you gotta you can't yes or no questions basically you gotta go what'd you eat for breakfast what did you eat what day what day today i didn't eat anything until i got the pizza roblox god damn it i'm drunk as well you know i'm i'm doing my best you're drunk well past the threshold you typically allow probably what have you been drinking today just just vodka since i got over there that's nothing you got next door how many do you think you've had did you do the deal with the picture it's not important how many of it's just the fact that i haven't had anything to eat and i only drink on mondays when i come in the morning when i come in the morning when i come through here you only drink on monday since i've been coming around how many times have you signed up for the show ballpark doesn't have to be seven six or seven six or seven times and you choose the day that you sign up the only day that you drink is the day that you sign up for a show that i would i would do way worse if not i would do way worse that's absolutely impossible it is i unbelievably impossible i've been doing this every monday for 13 years the mics okay i'm sorry i'm sorry i apologize yeah my bad time you know what maybe you should tonight maybe tonight's the night it's the reverse golden ticket i apologize whatever the opposite of it it's a one-way ticket to hell i'm kidding it's a bad habit i got i'm sorry it's okay uh what was the question there wasn't one this time i've been doing these mics and every mic that i've done i totally forgot at least the the material and you think because i had a panic attack and you think the drinking helps i got through the material i mean but that's not obviously you know the material is bad i mean who knows if i came up here and i had good material maybe the alcoholism might have aided me he's like the woody allen of florida i am jewish i'm half jewish um you know i i you know i do kind of get the sense he's got some good ideas in his head he just can't get him out do you have another do you have another joke that you didn't do today that might might work no no no if these if these ones didn't work then no way something there's something smart guy yeah no I mean, I got minutes, but they're going to do as well as this one. How do you know what's funny if you've only done it three times? I've been only watching Rodney and Don Rickles on Johnny Carson for months and hours. That's all I do. You've exclusively been watching two of the best comedians of all time. I wake up and I put like a 3D thing. No, I'm just kidding. So, you know, I think I got a sense for it, but clearly only so far. It only goes so far. I agree. Much like everyone that has ever worn a Dolphins jersey, you took a big loss today, Will. Oh, thank you. There he goes. Thank you, everybody. It's okay, Will. Just keep trying. But you got to practice. You got to love it. You have to enjoy the process. Do more open mics. Jesus Christ. All right. Oh, my goodness. You just did it. Unbelievable. Shout out to the Austin Police Department for taking care of that for us. Welcome to Texas. This is our final bucket poll of the night. What a wild, what a wild. This is like live from Arkham Asylum tonight or something like that. Who knows what's going to happen next? Your final bucket poll of the night goes by the name. Looks like a good name. It's got good handwriting. Make some noise for Shaz Meemon. Shaz Meemon. Hello. My name is Shaz. And I'm from Texas. And I'm from Amsterdam. And, yes, this is what the Dutch look like now. Now, I can see that some of you are looking into my face. I want to acknowledge that I have a very distinct look. I've had this mustache for the past 12 years. And in these 12 years, I have heard hundreds of comments that people have made. I've even ranked them. Like yesterday. This literally happened yesterday. I was walking around 6th Street and a homeless guy called me a Middle Eastern Mario. I was recently in a meeting with a colleague. And as soon as I entered the room, he said, Look, here comes the Indian Monopoly man. The best one. The best one so far I've gotten is I matched with a girl on Bumbo. And her first message to me was, You look like your dad fucked a Pringles can. And then. That was my time. You've been a phenomenal audience. Thank you. What a showman. He dressed the part. He curled the mustache. A true professional. I'm not even used to it. Guy was just up here in a dolphin's jersey. Three sizes too big. And then out comes a guy that's fucking at least ready for the occasion. A proper attire. Quite the gentleman. I matched. Looks like he'd build the World Trade Center just to break them down again. Hey, can I say, I am originally from Pakistan. Wow. Tell us something we don't know. Amazing, Shaz. Welcome, welcome. So you're 100% Pakistani? Well, yes. Amazing. Absolutely. Yeah, it only works that way there. There's no fucking. Yes. There's no Draymond Greens coming into Pakistan. Muddying up the waters. All right, Shaz. I love it. How old are you? How old are you? How old am I? Yes. 33. 33. Great, Shaz. He's going to work at a Marriott. Jokes were great, Shaz. Just about two years. Two years. Where at? In Amsterdam. Yeah. Awesome. What made you start two years ago? I was partying a lot. And I was like, I need to stop this. So I started doing comedy. Amsterdam is very close to the North Pole. Yes. I was stuck into the partying situation. You were doing a little cocaine, huh? I can't imagine what that mustache looks like when it's covered in white. No. No. Amazing. So a lot of partying. Yeah. How'd you end up in Amsterdam? So I'm originally from Pakistan. From Pakistan, around 10 years ago, I moved to Australia. I studied there. Then around seven years ago or eight years ago, I moved to Amsterdam for work. What's the job? I work in finance. Amazing. And you're doing good, aren't you? Unfortunately, yes. Yeah. That's fantastic. What do your parents think about you doing stand-up comedy? What do the Pakistanis think about you doing stand-up? Pakistanis? I don't know. Your parents? My parents? Well, they're okay with it. Okay. They like it. They don't understand a lot of it, but. They're still in Pakistan? They still live in Pakistan, yes. Amazing. Amazing. And you're a smart guy. Where'd you go to school? University of Sydney. Sydney, Australia? Yes. Amazing. You're so worldly. Tell us about your travels. What do you love or hate about certain places? Oh, like Amsterdam. For example, if I talk about Amsterdam, everyone here just thinks it's about weed and prostitutes. It's not. There's so much more to it. Cocaine. Try the cocaine. Please, try the cocaine. Hell yeah. Ho, ho, ho. Chris O'Connor. Did you live close to Bin Laden? Actually, no. No. I'm in the south, and Bin Laden was sort of in the north. They're like rival high schools. The Browns versus the Browns in a battle of the titans. Tower One versus Tower Two. Amazing. Shaz, I love it. You got a girl up in Amsterdam? No, I'm not dating. Because comedy, I do nine-to-five work, and then five-to-nine comedy. I'm obsessed with it. So I travel around Europe, and I do a lot of comedy. I don't have time to date. You don't even have time for girls. No. Just out of curiosity, does the carpet match the drapes, or are your pubes curled up like that? I'm kidding. I'm joking. I know. It made me think. I thought maybe they are. You have a giant bush. I know the answer to this. There's no question about it. I'm brown. I'm hairy. I get it, buddy. I can't even imagine what you have going on down there. I mean, I'm trying to imagine, but I just can't. Possibly. All right. Shaz, what else about your life? What are you into? Do you have any hobbies or anything else fun other than your obsession with stand-up and making vast sums of terrorist money? Well, I have. There's something interesting about me. My mustache actually has a name. It's called Jessica. Ooh. Why is it called Jessica? When I was in Australia, I was at a party. It was a three-day festival, and this is a festival where there's no phone reception, 3,000 people, and everyone's high on LSD. So I was at this festival, and the second day of this festival, as I was walking towards the stage, there was a girl who was also high on LSD. She looked at my mustache, and she thought this was the most incredible piece of art she's ever seen. Her name was Jessica. She gave me a sneaky kiss, and she requested if I could name my mustache after her. So I've been calling it Jessica for the past 10 years now. Just because she gave you a kiss? Yes. I was desperate. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, Shaz. If we got a girl up here to give you a kiss, would you change its name? A hundred percent. Is there a girl out there? Let's get those red lights up. Is this your girlfriend, sir? Shaz, I'll let you pick out of all the people with their hands up. There seems to be quite a lot out there. Her. The blonde in the back. Who would have guessed that he went with one of the not-fat chicks in the crowd? Here she comes, everybody. I'm sorry. You're very sweet. You've been amazing. There you go. Have some Zippix. Have some Zippix. Have a Sharpie. Have a little joke book. There you go. You have a great spirit, but somehow that would be the lowest point of Shaz. Here you go. Sweetheart. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second. What's your name? Sabrina. Do you understand, Shaz? That after this, if this is a good kiss, your mustache from this day forward shall be named Sabrina. I don't know if I like the name Sabrina. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me where we make dreams come true. Ladies and gentlemen, Sabrina, get that mustache. Wow. Amazing. Hell yeah. Good job, Sabrina. Thank you, Sabrina. Sabrina, how was it? Sticky? Sticky? Wow. Sticky? Now you will sit on my face forever. Wow. Look at that. That is incredible. It's amazing. You got to kiss the girl from the hit show, the Ozarks here tonight. Sabrina, where are you visiting from? Chicago. Chicago. Amazing. Do you work at the Marriott? All right. Good job. There she goes. Chicago. Chicago, amazing. All right. Good job. Sabrina. Sabrina, here's a Keltoni sharpie. There you go. Sweet. Sharpie. This show is so fun. I have so much fun doing it. Are you fired up? His dick looks just like his mustache. Very fired up. Yeah. I mean, I'm on- You went from, "I don't have time for chicks," to like, "Her!" Yeah. He's like, "Her, up here now. Kiss me. I'll change. I'll do it." I am Muslim, and I'm probably going to hell. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I-I am Muslim, and I'm probably going to hell. -No! -No. No, no, no. That's what your parents would tell you. This was great. Thank you, Sabrina. Shaz, congratulations. You're a classy guy. Here's a big Keltoni joke book. It'll go with your suit. Matches perfectly. That was fun. That was a fun way to put a ribbon on the bucket. We have one final comedian, ladies and gentlemen. He is an absolute force of nature. He is the newest regular on the show. And I got to tell you, his momentum is absolutely unbelievable. He's truly becoming and has probably become, I think, everybody's, me and Red Band's, favorite comedian. Make some noise. This is a brand-new minute. Toughest job in the industry to write and perform a brand-new set every week on this show. He does it unbelievably well. This is a freak of nature. Make some noise. This is a new minute from the great Pat O'Neill, everybody. The real deal, Pat O'Neill. Folks. First one's a question for the fellas in the room. Fellas. You ever have a girl tell you she's going to give you some sloppy head and think to yourself, no shit, fatty. Only way you know how. Hey, what can I say, folks? If loving fat girls is wrong, I don't want to be white. Other night at the bar, I was talking to this girl who described herself as a light-skinned Latina. But I think what she really meant was a Spanish retard. All right, that's all for me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That's just it. Perfect. Perfect, Pat. God damn. You have such great jokes, Pat. Thank you, Tony. Unbelievable. My God. How's life going, buddy? Ah, good. Good. Last week was crazy. Yeah. People messaging me and stuff. Yeah. Won't leave a fella alone. I know. It has happened. Just because he's on the TV now. Yeah. Yep. You made it, Pat. You're making it. You're making it. You're living the American dream. How's life changed? Anything crazy happen? Uh. Uh. Not really. Not yet. Yeah, I don't know. Not really. Just like talking to people. You got to do one. Making some merch. You got to do one. Really? What's your merch? What's that? I don't know. You don't know yet? People keep telling me to and offering it. And I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. It's kind of funny that talking to people now is new. Yeah. That what? Talking to people. It's crazy. Talks. It did not happen. Dude, his whole life changed. Yeah. Talking to people. Talking to people. Oh, yeah. Talking to people willing to talk to you. Yeah. That's what he's getting at. Yeah. I got it. I got it. I got it. Yeah. Pretty earth shattering. Absolutely. It really is. Yeah, dude. Pat, you are one of the more frightening looking guys that we've ever had on this show. We get to see it every week. And every time you come out, it makes us all laugh. And it's just amazing. I've always said this about you since the beginning. This is the first time I've seen you, that you look like a fucking comedian. Have you ever looked different? Did you look different before you started comedy? I was a fatty in high school. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow. What was going on there? I don't know. Just a lot of ice cream. Yeah. Heck, yeah. Divorced parents. And my dad would, like, do the thing where he gasses you up with snacks and shit. The one day he has you. How'd you lose the weight? I just. Your dad got one day in the custody battle? Yeah. I feel like he's lucky to have that. Tell us about your parents. What were they like? How does a Pat O'Neill come to exist? I don't know. I don't know. They're fine people. Seems like a subject worth a point. Simple folk. Yeah. They still out there? They together? No, no, no. My dad's dead. Oh, okay. How did dad die? Liver cirrhosis. Oh, my God. He's a heavy drinker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. How old was he when he died? 40. We went over this one time. Wow. We did, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he would just drink all day, every day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. You got nothing to worry about. All right. Perfect. Yeah. I'm doing fine. I'm always checking. You notice anytime anybody. If there's anything with drinking or smoking, I get very, very curious. Perfect. Amazing. How old were you when he died? Like 16. Oh, wow. That's a tough time, but that's how comedians are made? Mm-hmm. Yep. That's how a fucking joke smith like you comes in. You don't want to have one of these pussy normal lives. Right. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Like having two parents being born and raised in Miami. These people. I love it, Pat. I mean, you are just a freak of nature. You bring nothing but absolute cackling laughter to the world. And again, we couldn't be happier to have you as a full-time regular on this show. Thank you so much, Sean. Thank you, Pat. The real deal. Pat O'Neill to end tonight's episode. Guys, how much fun did we have tonight, huh? This episode brought to you by Blue Chew Prize Fix and ZipX. There you go. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there while we were all. We were all giggling away. Oh, Chris O'Connor. How about one more time for the great Chris O'Connor? Check him out in Raleigh, Detroit, and his podcast, Stuff Island, with our dear, dear friend, Tommy Pope. Tickets for him on tour, chrisoconnor.com. And how about one more time for one of my longest, best friends, Matt Edgar, everybody. He's got a brand new podcast called Bomb Shelter. And that comes out on June 1st, so go check that out. What's Bomb Shelter? What's Bomb Shelter about? And, like, what's going on there? I interview comedians and live performers, like wrestlers and musicians, on their worst bomb. Oh, I love it. And we just break it down. Well, you could have booked nine guests tonight after this show. I got a whole roster now. Yeah. Amazing. Mr. Miami's going to be the next episode. One more time for Chris O'Connor and Matt Edgar. So much fun stuff happening. Madison Square Garden coming around the corner. Madison Square Garden coming around the corner in August. Make sure you get tickets for that. If you're ever going to visit the great city of New York, you might as well do it on a weekend in which we are there at the greatest arena in the world. The most famous arena in the world for our third weekend in a row. Third year in a row doing MSG. It's absolutely ridiculous. And so much fun. And it's because of you, the greatest fans on planet Earth. We love you, Red Band. Guys, give a shout out to Tony. Inchcliff. Come on, guys. Stop it. Stop it. Fuck yeah. I've known this guy for so long. I'm so happy for him. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. I, I, I, I. A hangover-free margarita, complex de-alcoholized wine, whiskey with a real burn, or functional drinks to help you unwind. Visit us on Mission Street in South Pasadena or learn more at burdenofproofna.com. Burden of Proof. Never a day wasted.