#768 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Give me! Thanks for being like her Brian RedBan, ladies and gentlemen. And now, this is the best stamp band in all the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo Roblejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches on the horns. This is the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, makes them together, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Mjoling on the electric John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, this is indeed the one and only de-madness live in the flesh, everybody. 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Feels like every product claims real protein these days, but real doesn't start on a label. It starts at the source. Like real California milk from California farm families, it's real dairy delivering high quality, complete protein with all nine essential amino acids to help build muscle, give you energy, and keep you satisfied longer. So keep it real, look for the seal. Real California Milk. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, some nights are just a little bit better than others. Every single week I booked this thing and I could not be more excited about tonight's booking. I think you're going to be excited too. Two of the greatest comedians in the world. Two of the greatest kiltoni guests of all time. Most importantly, two of my favorite friends on Planet Earth. Make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis and James McCann, everybody. Oh my God. Oh, nice. It's a robber knocker. Yeah, it makes oh my God. Wow. Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show. Shane Gillis is back. Shane has been a guest numerous times under different alias as it times, sometimes I mean, well, I mean, we've had the president of the United States on the show and sometimes as himself. Welcome back, Shane. Shane has a knack for tickling me under the table. I don't. Yes, he does. He's weird. He just squows my thigh, really, he squows it. He squows it like it's a little pet gerbil or something down there. My little gerbil thigh. Dude. The great James McCann is back, everybody. He is the host of the James Donald Forbes McCann, Katta Moran, planned podcast. The only one of its kind, James, welcome back. And so on and to be here, I've never heard such a big warm welcome for me before they love you, James. I just grabbed so I wanted to be a what a shot. I'm being happy to be here. You guys have been guests numerous times before, but I'll remind you anyway, because it's been a while, James. You've been in Australia. Now you're back. So let me remind you over 250 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you're the son of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud. And interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview, we talk with them about anything and we find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I'm going to let this disabled truck driver pick the first name. There you go. Here it is. The bucket. There it goes. And it's off. Here we go. While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, I have one of the greatest Golden Tick of Winners in the history of the show here to debut a brand new minute. He does more minutes than any Golden Tick of Winner in the history of the show. This will be fun. Makes the noise to the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Oh my God. What's out of it? Cool. Cool. I would never do a human trafficking because I hate regular traffic, you know, who's doing this? Right? I'm okay. I like to wear women's clothes, you know, and it's really tight, it makes me feel butt, you know. And people are like that, Martin, you look so swollen. And I'm like, nah, this is my sister's dress, you know, it's okay. Okay. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. I have school to answer is to say, make room for Jesus and to say, yeah, he's trying to grind too. Well, he wants it on this, so is that him at that time? Exactly. A minute, Martin Phillips. Welcome back, Martin. Hello. How's it going? Okay. I'm sorry, you know, yeah, what do you got around your neck there? What is it? You know, so there's one time I was out the show, and I tried to play harmonica, I thought it could be my tank, but then I found out everybody fucking plays harmonica, I mean, fucking a laser. Yeah. Yeah. Funko. Yeah. Funko lasers and do it. Yeah. Exactly. I looked for a unique instrument, nobody else could play, and I found the dog whistle. That's a dog whistle? Dog whistle. Not a rape whistle, but it's a rape whistle, it's going to be assaulted by dogs. Wow. Okay. Or it could be fun if a bunch of dogs saved you. Well, yeah, I guess, they won't work if I've got this way. Either way, if you're getting raped, bring some dogs in the next break by dog. I mean, if it's you getting raped, the dogs would probably join in, they'd probably be like, this is easy. Oh. Oh. Not really. I'm going to bust a nut in this wobbly dude real quick. I need it. I was a dog, that's what I would do if I was a horny dog. - I would fuck Marty the right day. - That's not a guy. - Nah, I would, I would, I would. - The only thing that holds me back from nothing in guys is I'm not a dog. - Wow. - Goddammit, I set myself up for that one. Oh, what is wrong with me? So did I, I'm ignorant to the dog whistle. Does that attract dogs or does it scare them away? - She gets scared of something, oh, hey, yeah, I think. - Let's hear a note there. - Okay. - All dogs listening to the podcast, take your headphones off for a moment. - Wow, you got it right, you're pretty good. - Oh, but the sound of things with some scared dogs out there. - Pretty good, right? - Right. - I think it's working, so that's what you have. - Have you played it around a dog yet? - My dog's death, so I don't really care about it. - Your dog's death? - And kinda blind, yeah, I hope we-- - You guys, you guys are a hell of a squad. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we, he's not my assistant dog. He could not assist me. - Well, so albera, al, yeah, yeah, yeah, wow. - But either you can get on the plane. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It deserves animal. - Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Amazing, cool. - Cool. - How long have you had this dog for? - Oh, al, al, al, al. I dobs it up, al, al, al, al, al, al, I balls her to have, for like six months. - And then I invert, we lost him, but, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Right. - Was he already deaf? - Yeah, he's fucking old, dude, he's like-- - He adopted an old dog. - Yeah. - What made you want to do that? - I mean, after I lost it up, I could felt kinda bad. I'd always say, I got out, you know, I got out, you know, paying for everything. - Have you, but you've blown the whistle near your dog? - Yeah, no reaction whatsoever. - No. - Well, you open the door and come inside to do a part, man. He doesn't even know you're there, you know, you, wow. He's the worst guard dog, actually, that's what I need, this whistle, 'cause Tony comes into my house, you know? Don't I move my hands? - That's right, that's right. - Well, Martin, you got the show started with another brand new minute. Thank you very much. We're gonna switch over to the book now. This is where shit gets crazy. This is where we meet new people. Maybe it's someone that's been on before, that's done bad. And maybe they do good this time. Maybe they do good last time and bad this time. Anything gonna happen, you're gonna see it. 60 seconds, uninterrupted going to your first bucket bowl. Cameron Shepard, everybody. Here we go. (upbeat music) Yeah, those are my tips. Make some noise, everybody. (audience cheering) Hell yeah. I recently saw the worst documentary of my life, everybody. I saw the documentary on Robert Wadlow. Now Robert Wadlow is the world's tallest man in American history, okay? This sum bitch was eight foot 11, all right? And on this documentary, they told you all the shit you didn't wanna know, all right? Like, oh, he had big glasses, he had big shoes. They didn't talk about his big stupid cock one time. Yeah, not once, that's a eight foot 11 man. That's a hell of a pecker. And I wanna fucking see it, dude. What the hell? That could have been the greatest documentary in American history. And it could have been really short, right? Robert Wadlow, world's tallest man, 15 inches soft, the fucking end. (audience laughing) That's the end of the documentary. Leap frog naked, anyone ever tried it? No, that's odd. You know, as a child, folks, I thought that's how you played the game, you know? I thought Leap frog was a game you played nude. Come to find out, my uncle's just a weird guy. Thank you guys for your time, I love you all. Cameron Shepard, Micking. I'm guessing it's your Kiltzone debut, correct? Yes, sir. Hell yeah, you wore your best tank top out tonight. Oh yeah, fantastic. I love that there's a pocket on it. I don't think I've ever seen a pocket on a tank top, quite like that before. I mean, the design stops there. It looks like you put it on yourself. Is there something that you keep in that pocket specifically? Mainly fit in all, but nothing else. Okay, how old are you, Cameron? I am 26 years old, Mr. Tony. Wow, man, and you could have guessed anything there. And I would have accepted it, but 26 is one of the more depressing answers. Oh, shit. My goodness, what have you been doing with your life this whole time? A lot of stress. A lot of stress? No, man. You look like you're your own dad. I'm feeling good, man. You look like you made you. Where's butt head at? Sir, where's butt head at? Very good. You know what's bad when red bands? Roasting, you're asked. By the way, fun fact, we found out earlier, red band has lost six pounds in two weeks, everybody. Hold on, hold on, hold on, before you clap. Let me tell you how he's doing it. He's switched from fried foods to only sandwiches. He's on his sandwich, only diet, and his body. He told us in the green room, and three other fat guys were like, for real, that worked. Man. What? What's going on with these child riposts and sandwich diets? Crazy. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now Cameron, you look like you've exclusively been eating McDonald's french fries your entire life. How exactly do you keep that amazing frame that you have? What type of protein package are you on, Cameron? So I'm not on any protein. I exercise a lot, so I climb trees, and then I do back flips off of them. OK. 400 reps a day. OK. You should have been in the '90s, bro. You're perfect. What type of music do you like? You like, like, some '41? No, I like a-- Sugar Ray. Drill rap. I like that type of-- Drill rap. What the fuck are you? Like, British-stabbing music? No. You're an American, don't you? You like, hot, black, killing people in the straight music? Oh, yeah, straight from the block, baby girl. You know? How many Drill rappers can you name? Can you rattle off some for us? A 42-Duck Chief Keith. OK. F-B-G-Duck, 42-Duck. I messed that up, because I'm white, and I lied. OK. What do you do for work, Cameron? I work at a hardware store. What exactly do you do with the hardware store? OK. So some guy comes there, and he's like, and then some guy comes to me. And he's like, hey, I need a hammer. I need a drill and some plywood. And I go get it. Wow. That's why you like drill rap. Yeah. Come on, folks. Folks, folks, folks, folks, folks. Amazing. Were you being serious about the backflips? Was that a joke? Dude, I'm fucking super serious about that. Did you do a backflip? This guy will break his fucking neck. This guy has Owen Hart energies for days right here. It'll be the first fucking corpse we have to drag out of here. That corner is going to have a fucking lot on his hands. It's going to be like, wait, he's got the body of a 50-year-old, but his ID says 26. It's incredible. Cameron, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies in real life? Like, not silly backflip tree climbing. Like, the real camera-- So I like to sing a little bit. You know, I like to sing some songs. Are they originals? No, I like to do homosexual covers of songs. OK, and that's basically everything that I sing. That's incredible. So what exactly does that mean? So like, Michael Jackson, specifically? Oh, the mic's out of the mic's mouth, folks, wow. Hey, pretty, baby, can you-- OK, you can't hold on. Let me stop. Yeah, that's crazy. That's insane. Luckily, it's short enough that I think the YouTube census won't pick it up. Next time open with that. No context at all. Just walk out, flash your tits, sing that-- Yeah. That'll backflip and leave. Yeah, that's it. It'll be the best. Yeah, you'll be a golden ticker winner and-- Take it right away. I love it, Cameron. Are you close with your parents? Yeah, very close. I love Miami and Pia Pia very much. Where are they at? They're in Nashville, Tennessee, where I'm from. Is that where you still live? No, I just moved here a month ago. OK, what made you move to Austin, Texas? It's just a great comedy scene with a lot of chants. Oh, yeah. And do you think that Robert Wadlow material is your finest minute or is this something new that you're working on? Like, what made you go with that tonight? I just love that joke and his big stupid cock. Yeah. All right. Now, sing Michael Jackson. I was going to-- [LAUGHTER] Are there any other Michael Jackson homosexual covis? Oh, I have an Elvis one I can do. OK, ladies, that's-- Well, since you fuck my-- All right, there you go. That's great. So it's basically everything. You just switch the lyrics to "Fuck the App." Yep. Amazing. Yeah. That is incredible. Super simple. Love it. Amazing. I can tell you, we'll only be in here a month. This city's going to be yours any day now. Yeah. It's all yours, Cameron. Here's a big joke. Why not? - Thank you. (audience cheering) (audience clapping) (laughing) - Oh my goodness, it's the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen. Unbelieveable live in the flesh. Her podcast is at Heidi Regina.com. Also check out the Killtony bands YouTube at the Killtony bands. Look at the love, one more time for Heidi, everybody. (audience cheering) Somehow wearing more clothes than Cameron Shephard was. - Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your business communications are basically a burner phone and a prayer, at some point you might just hit that wall where you're like, all right, I'm done with all this. Let's fucking Quo, that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q-U-O. The business communication system built so that you never miss a call. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. So no more missed messages or drop conversations. Everyone sees the full thread, replies are faster and customers actually feel taken care of. Red band. - Tony, I love Quo. It's the best business phone system, hands down. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3,000 reviews built for how modern teams work for solo operators to growing teams. You can roll eye on it and stay connected, professional and constantly reachable. - Quo works wherever you are, right? From your phone or computer. Keep your existing number, add teammates and minutes, sync your CRM and let the call routing handle itself as you scale. Plus, Quo isn't just a phone system. It's a smart one. AI automatically logs, calls generate summaries and flags next step so that nothing falls through the cracks, calls, text, voicemails, transcripts and contact details all in one clean view. So your team always has the full picture and can show up for every customer conversation. Money is on the line and say hello with Quo. Dry Quo for free. Plus, get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com/tony. That's q-u-o.com/tony. Yeehaw, this podcast is sponsored by PrizePix. 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PrizePix predict is not endorsed or guaranteed any statements made by third party promoters or influencers. Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, makes some noise for 60 seconds, going to live Taylor. Live Taylor, everybody. What's up, Austin? I've been here for about a year now. And there's one thing I know about Texas before a live in here, it's hot, right? But it does get-- it gets pretty cold at night. It got pretty cold during the winter. So cold that I needed help to sleep at night. So I started listening to Negro spirituals. Yeah, you're like, this crazy bitch has got like weighed in the water radio on Spotify. That's fucking crazy. No, it was just me being too lazy to change the battery in my smoke detector. Hell yeah. [LAUGHTER] I like to think that my dad was somebody to look up to as like an entrepreneur. It was just a really nice way of saying that he was a full-time crackhead. I don't know if you know this, but Zip Recruiter-- [BEEPING] excuse, fuck. [LAUGHTER] A sponsor of Killtony actually used to report the average salary. All right. That's all your time. That's it. Where were you going with that, Zip Recruiter? Zip Recruiter used to actually report the average salary of your full-time crackhead. What does that mean? You know how they have salaries that for different careers. They had full time-- they had a full-time crackhead on there at one point. Is that true or-- It is. No, I'm just upset I didn't screenshot it at some point. But yeah, when I first started writing, I wrote a lot about my dad. He was actually a crackhead at one point. I was like, I wonder if this actually was a thing. So I looked it up. And it was surprisingly $97,000 a year. To be a crack-- I don't understand still. No matter how much explaining you do, that just makes no sense. I'm sorry. I'm the crackhead. It's fine. It passed down. Is your dad still alive? He is. OK. But he's not a crackhead anymore. Not anymore. How did he get-- how did he-- What made him stop doing crack? Probably COPD and, you know, just getting old. And it gets old. Right. I hear it stays young and beautiful forever. I've heard the reviews. And it seems like the best drug there is. I won't go into any words what I've heard. You saying Michael Jackson at all? I thought the set was going really well until you used a word, and then people were concerned. Yeah. Me grow? It's weird to see a racist goth. That's true. You know, it's an interesting-- to new racism I never saw goth. That's so crazy. I'm a spanic, does that count? That's even crazy. You're a spanic racist goth. Yeah, hell yeah. What were you from? Sorry, Tony. No, it's good. Go ahead. I'm moved here from Georgia, so-- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, check that out. Checked out. And how long have you been doing stand up? About two and a half years. How's it going out here on these streets? It's going pretty OK. Yeah, I mean, I work a lot. So I-- Where do you work? I'm a vet tech. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Where'd you get the cool waffle house, Jack? I wanted to ask you. My mom worked for waffles for like over 20 years. It's amazing. Yeah, you could say it. Yeah. What? [LAUGHTER] Yeah. You worked for waffles for 20 years. That's a pass for a generational pass. What? What? What? Wow. Yeah, dude. Oh, my god. That is so cool. The last time I was on, I wore my mom's Undertaker shirt. It just wasn't noticed. It's a dope ass shirt. God, we love the Undertaker right now. I do. So his action figure has been connected to the bucket for a long time. I'm obsessed, yeah. OK, so did your mom ever bring home any waffle house drama? My mom was like the peacemaker of the waffle house. Whoa. So she took it-- so she took in my-- so my sister-in-law has been with my brother since he was like 13. She was-- she was only like three years older than him. But she-- my mom took her under her wing. She was in like a really bad relationship. And so my mom was like, I need a babysitter. Come work at my house instead of here. And yeah, she was just more of like the-- she didn't bring home drama. She was a good old Christian lady that just smugweed. That was about it. Very good. And both parents are Latino? No, my-- well, my dad is Puerto Rican. My mom's Italian. Was Italian. Was? Yeah, she-- where's the diet red bean? Come on now. You have to say how she-- how did she die? She got hit by a car. There you go. There it is. I think-- I forgot the answer. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. Man, I bet by the end of that accident, she was smothered and covered and-- [LAUGHTER] It's a walk. There it is. Yeah, I can remember. Yes. All of that. Yes, there it is. All right. How long go did that happen? August of '23. OK. She's the reason-- The her passing is the reason I started comedy, so-- That's great. Yeah. And it helps you. You perform a lot? I try to, yeah. I mean, I have a-- I like living well. Now, you know, I've been a vet tech for almost 10 years. And if anybody knows, vet tech don't make money. But I mean-- You ever blow a dog whistle before? No. What do you think it does? Do you think that attracts dogs or scares them away? I think it perks their little ears, you know? Unless they're sad and cropped, and they're just up all the time. Have you killed a lot of dogs? It's not the other thing I do, Shane. I'm sorry. But it is stories. I give them drugs, they don't want. I hold them down when they don't ask for it. Nice. I make them-- [LAUGHTER] You ever-- Look at that. Well, I was going to say, I make them go to sleep, and we do things that they don't know about, and wake them up. It's like nothing ever happened. I'm like, you know, snoop-ditty. Yeah. It's good. Thanks, you. Should on that. Don't do the spirituals one again. Do you know good? Hallelujah. Lip Taylor, you already have a big joke book? I do. I don't have a medium one, though. No, that's OK. That's OK. You'll fill it up. Hey, better to ask than to not, right? There you go. Lip Taylor, everybody with another new minute. We're moving on. [APPLAUSE] Move it on. The third bucket pool tonight. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Frankie Gonzalez. Everybody here comes Frankie. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, Austin, how are we doing? I come from a pretty weird family. My brother, he just came out of the closet. I threw him in there for being fucking gay. Now, we love him. We love him. Not publicly, but we love him, you know? Had to ask my dad, we'll see. Now, I know I'm not gay, because I kissed a man once, and I felt absolutely nothing after I came. Like, I was good. Yeah, we're roommates now. Let's besides the point, you know? I've been doing a lot more acid lately. Anybody else? Acidheads? Yeah? All right, pool sees over here. I love it, dude. I like taking a tab, going hiking, like in the forest. I felt big full once, dude. I checked my phone later, it was just a bunch of pictures of my black friend like this. Can't use those. He's got a fresh ass fade, you know what I mean? He looks good. I've only had one bad experience on acid. It was this one time. I forgot that I ordered DoorDash, and I got a notification on my phone that said, "Mahamed has your orders." He's on. Is that it, Frankie? Oh, it's like 10 seconds more. Go ahead. I forgot that I ordered DoorDash, and I got a notification on my phone that said, "Mahamed has your orders. He's on the way." So for like six hours, I thought I'd plan 9/11. I was like, "What orders did I give out, dude?" Pop eyes, Pentagon, they're right next to each other, don't they? Fuck yeah, Frankie Gonzalez. He's on the rock solid set. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on standup, Frankie? Sorry. How long you been on standup? Oh, six years. Six years. Where out? San Diego. Nice. You still live there, are you here now? I know I still live here, just visiting. Nice. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? Well, mainly, standup is taking a path for the income now, so that's what's up. About the other half. I work at the YMCA. OK. What do you do at the YM? Shout out the Y. I'm a trainer. Why? [LAUGHTER] No, I work reception. No, they don't let me in the fucking back. They don't let me in there. It looks bad if I work people out, you know? It's like, I like the Hispanic pronunciation of YMCA. Oh, what? I haven't heard the-- what? YMCA? What? YMCA? You can hear it. Can you guys hear it? Let me hear it. YMCA? All right, that was fine. All right, fucking wipe it up. Sorry. San Diego. No matter what ethnicity you are, if you're born in San Diego, you're white. I have a lot of black friends from San Diego that are super white. Yeah, that makes sense. Except for when, like, there's a chance to have, like, a guilt or anything, then they're like, I'm totally black. You know what I mean? Unless they're in court, you know? Are you really a trainer at the YMCA? Oh, no, I work reception at the YMCA. OK, that makes sense. Yeah, I make you a champion. I don't know if you guys can see me. You got a lot of cute anime tattoos. Oh, right. You got a little ghost here. You got a lady on the-- oh, this is an actual one, though. Yeah. What's happening with all that anime? I went through a phase when I was 20. I regret it. She was horny as hell. I was. It was during COVID. It's so horny you got a fucking tattoo. Well, yeah, she was dope in that one show. Nobody knows what the fuck this is. That's OK, yeah. How are you doing? OK, good question, Frankie. I want to tell you this. I'm actually coming to San Diego to do a show next week. And you won. And I would like to invite you to come and watch that show. Whoa, oh, shit. Frankie Gonzalez activated the light. Bro, bro. Yeah, sure. Still available. Front row seat. Still available for James's big show next week in San Diego. Frankie, do you really have a gay brother? Is that just a joke? I do, yeah. Hell a gay, yeah. OK. As he always been gay, how old were you when you realized your brother was gay? Oh, he's a couple of years older than me. So he's like, he's about 30 now. He used to eat his ice cream cones like a little bit too passionately. Oh, shit. He used to let it drip down his pants. I was like, that's just like inconvenient. Why would you want that to happen? That's when I realized it. And what do your parents think about him being gay? Oh, they didn't like him for the first couple of years, but my dad's getting older, so I think he feels bad now. When you say they didn't like it, like, did they verbalize that? They didn't speak to him for about, like, two years. OK. Yeah, so-- Did they talk to you about it? Oh, yeah, they did. Like, why is he gay? Right. I was like, I don't know. There was that one time when I was eight, and then it was like-- Guys, you guys have a-- You guys have a kidney error form? [LAUGHTER] He wanted one, he wanted one. What's the gayest thing you've ever seen him do? Oh, I woke-- I fell asleep on the couch one time. I got really drunk. I was like, 20 years old. I fell asleep on the couch. I wake up, a man comes-- I was living with him alone. A man comes out from the room. He comes out. They both walk out the front door. Two minutes later, a second man comes out from the same room and leaves out the front door. He comes back in and says, don't tell mom and dad. And that's all we ever talked about. He's about five foot four. I don't think he was one of the guys on top, if you know what I'm saying. It's spinner. Wow. Yeah, it's there. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Frankie, that is incredible. And how about you? Do you have a girlfriend? I do, yeah, yeah. Where'd you meet her at? San Diego. Where in San Diego? Just at a bar, just a brewery. And then you went up to her. What'd you say? Yeah, she looked like-- I like-- I have a Jewish fetish. Ooh. She looked. So you saw her. She was picking up a nickel off the ground. Why tossed it? It's all like, there we go. Hell yeah. So it was cool. She had the right hair. She just looked extra Jewish that day. It was like, it was like dark and curly, or what? Yeah, dark and curly, yeah. I was like, I could catch this one, you know? Hell yeah. Absolutely. And what was your first date? What was your first experience with her like? Did you hook up with her that night up to the bar? Yeah. We hooked up that night. So let me guess, you picked up the tab? Yeah, well, we split it. Whoa. Wow. No, it was a big move by her. So I knew she was one of the good ones, you know? Yeah. No, we went back to her place that night. And the problem is I had a shift at the Y at 7 a.m. And I told her that. And she said, OK, well, if you had to go to work. And I was like, whoa, if somebody who really wanted this dick would be like, hey, skip work for me. And she didn't say that, which really kind of hurt me a little bit. And then-- but we did end up fucking. And it was cool and everything. Harry, but you know, Jewish was fine. I woke up the next morning, no foreskin. Where did it go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Frankie. How many happened though? No, she's not mad that I told everybody that, because there's literally what happened. Dad, Jewish girls get mad about anything. Oh, she complains a little. Yeah. But this wasn't your first Jewish rodeo. Oh god, no. You loved it. I'm sniffing them out. I got a-- Wow. I like to invest. I like to-- So I can glue his best. He goes into bars. He's like, are you harboring enemies of the state? I'm going to speak Spanish now. Amazing, Frankie. Congratulations. Very fun set, very fun interview. Here's a big joke book. There you go. So much. Frankie Gonzalez making his pill-tony debut. We are rolling everybody. How do you do? This podcast is sponsored by Cheers Health. 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Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20% to get this day you expected. When you want savings, not surprises. It matters where you stay. Hilton for this day. This is a one word name. Your next bucket pool. Everyone, those are always interesting. Our first one word name of the night makes the noise for Dickey. Everybody, it's Dickey. Stuck on there. All right. My name is Dickey. I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah, home of the Mormons. I never realized how blessed I was to be Mormon until I got older and started really living that life as sin. You see, I started seeing ads in the number one solution for men who like can't get hard or losing their hair or need to lose weight. It's called hymns. I've been singing those Mormon hymns like a mother fucker lately. Like pray to God every time I need some chick to be into me. I just start doing a little hum when I'm doing my business. Just humming a little hym. But yeah, now I'm getting older. I'm 36. My homie stopped partying as much. I actually got sober now. We went out to eat some dinner the other day and I told him I had acid. Two of them were buckling up for a good time. The other one tossed me some pepto B. I was like, God, man. I mean, it's true. I'm capable of both. I have the good times and I have the fucking refrux. That was tough. Dickey. Dickey. I thought you were going to end up on drums by the end of that 60 seconds. You're moving farther and farther back from the microphone. You understand that that red device is what picks up the sound. It's getting me hotter. I swear to God. Okay. Step, but you have to talk right into the tip of that thing. Oh, okay. Oh, baby boy. What the hell? Yeah. The set may have gone better, but I could hear it perfectly fine. It wouldn't have. James McGill. No one says the tip of that thing. I've done this for a while. I've never heard someone go, you got to talk right into the tip of that. I'm not used to working the tip like that. Right into the bulbous head. This is the microphone. Put your mouth. Hold it by the shaft. Stop with the tip. That's what's going on. Well, Dickey, all I was going to say is there's a lot of sitbacks in this business and there's a lot of things that are going to make you think you can't keep going, but I've never seen anyone. I just thought getting it out of the mic stand would want to be the easier ones to get over. Because there's going to be so much worse stuff that happens in your dream of being a standup comedian. Oh, yeah, they're getting the microphone out of the mic. Dude, that thing was scary. I was like, is this thing working? You still haven't taken it out. Grab it. Stop believing you. Yeah. Oh, my god. Let me start that over. Powerful. Powerful. So ex-caliber over here. Dickey is sweating bullets, ladies and gentlemen. He is human over here. So king wet. He was dry as hell when he came out. He's dripping at this moment. I flew out here. I didn't sleep last night at all. This is fucked. Okay, let's say it's okay. Dickey, we're going to get to that relax. Oh, man. So how long have you been doing attempting stand-up comedy? Dude, this is like my second time. Okay, so where was your first time? When was that? It was in Salt Lake. When? Probably six months ago. So six months ago, you did an open mic? Yeah, I was on mushrooms. Okay. Somehow I did way better. Well, you think you did. You were probably nowhere near the microphone. Patrick of mushrooms, I guess, dude. You were probably in the lobby by yourself. At least I was having a good time. Absolutely. So Dickey, was that at Wise Guys in Salt Lake? Yeah, it was at Wise Guys. Okay, and you're saying that it went well for you. It went pretty well. It didn't go well that you're like, you know what, I'm going to take six months off and go on the biggest comedy show in the world. That's what the fuck I did. I was like, no bars, you know? I just went sober and I feel like I'm pretty much invincible almost, just basically obviously not, but I feel that way. I feel like I'm some sort of genius as well. I love it. But I'm just not really stupid anymore. It's perfect. Let's check in with James McKinley. I mean, I know you said you're a Mormon from Salt Lake City, but are you also Hispanic? Because the last few people were Hispanic and you have the same intonation. I'm just a good old white boy from Utah. It's just a fine. The last three X, there's a strong vibe tonight. There is an extremely Latino presence here. Contrary to what? Hair cut, maybe. I don't know. All right, Dickie, relax. I figured you know what, step back from the microphone a little bit. I've got a little too close to that thing. So, Dickie, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender and server. A bartender and a server, but meanwhile you're saying that you've been sober for how long? About six months. So what made you get sober six months ago? Just a lot of really bad shit. Like what? That's the good stuff. That's what we like to find out about here. I got an accident. I just. You were drinking and drunk. I got a dewey, which is what kind of accident. Let's talk about it. There was like, there wasn't a ton of damage or anything. I'd side swipe something, side swipe. What did you side swipe? Okay, a troll. I thought it was the one girl's mom. Well, that too, dude. Side swipe. She's in Utah. There's a high chance that. Did you at least step up to the breathalyzer where you're like, yeah, I was running. That's why I got that from when I'm scared. I just go back into the drum. Sorry, bro. He's literally running into the drum set. Dude, fight or flight. Yeah, yeah, okay. And I do get resisting. So it was. Okay, tell us about that. Like take us through the experience. So you side swipe a truck. Do you immediately see lights? Like what happened? I just fucked up. I was the idiot. I was just like, man, I'm not even drunk. And. Hold on. Again, take us through it. So you're driving. Do you remember hearing you hit a truck? Do you remember any of it? Yeah, I was like, I was like, holy shit, I just hit a truck. Okay. And so it was actually parked legally. It was sticking out. But it was my fault. I wasn't idiot. I wasn't idiot. I was like, oh, that car's parked legally. Did you stop and pull over immediately after side swiping the truck? Um, yeah, because I didn't want to get the fleeing the scene. I literally didn't think I was drunk. So it fucked me over. Okay. How long until the cops showed up? Um, it was probably like three minutes. It was right downtown. So. Wow, as soon as you just waited there. Dude, I didn't think I was drunk. And I didn't want to get fleeing the scene. But you were more worried about getting fleeing the scene than getting a blatant DUI? The truck driver wasn't the truck. There was no one there. It was just you? What? The truck was parked. No, there was someone in the other truck. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I thought it parked illegally. Got it. Yeah, it was. Oh, it was. It was parked. Someone was in it. Oh, okay. That's it. Yeah. No, it was stupid. Definitely stupid. What was your, uh, what'd you blow? What did you blow? Now I wish this mic was off. Um, you don't have to say it, but it's funny. I got, I got 0.25. Oh, shit. Wow. That's just another day, dude. That was just another day. I was like, 11 a.m. It isn't that you told me three times. Is that 11? No, no, no. I'd been partying the night before. It was pretty wild, dude. I have some wild stories. That's why you were sweating. You were picking up, yeah, because I'm not used to being sober with this much stress on me, man. So that's three times over the legal limit. Oh, yeah. Are you on drugs at the time? Um, it's okay. You just got to let it out now, buddy. Shout out to my probation officer, Tracy. Um, for writing me off on coming over here, uh, but six months ago. Well, yeah, six months ago, but, I was on a little bit of boommies and just, What exactly is boommies? Mushrooms? Mushrooms, yeah. Okay. See, we're three times over the legal limit and on mushrooms, so tell me. And I nailed the test, dude. I swear to God. If you see the footage, if you see the footage, I nailed the test. That's so much worse than if you didn't. If you were at 0.25 and you were getting that, you're slamming that test. That's so scary. I know, that's why I stopped drinking. What do you have to get to to be drunk? You got to be just one. So I've been checked into the hospital like 0.4 or something. Yeah, so that's when I was like, and that's not even when I stopped drinking. I just stopped drinking like six months ago after I got out jail last time. I was like, "Man, fuck this shit." So tell us about the resisting arrests that you got on this chart. Man, there's just, they just kind of handle a little shit. Like what? Man, they fucked up my day. I'm gonna fuck up there, you know? Okay. You're saying everything except answers to the question, right now. I love you didn't flee the scene. I'm fine. I'm staying. I'm not gonna flee, but I'm gonna stone cold stun this fucking police officer. They didn't want none, dude. I was just chilling and I was just like, kind of telling them to take off their fucking body cams and shit, trying to go head up, you know? Like they weren't. You were gonna fight the police. I love to, but okay. I can't. Officer is after this dude backstage. He's ready for me, man. It's stunned before I go back. You are a wild boy. Yeah, dude. I'm chilling now, though. I'm sober. I'm not trying to go back to jail no more. Was this comedy set that you did? Was that before or after that open mic at the. The comedy set? Yeah. That was open, Mike. That's all I've done. That one. No, I'm asking if the charge that you got was before or after you started comp. That one was after. Okay. I don't call before that, but whatever. Get that out of here. Wait, what? There's another one? No, it's good. Tell us about that. It's very compelling. You're doing. It's very likable. You're very likable. Yeah, you have to. This is sound good. No, it's great. You have the best interview with the show so far. Right, everybody? Thank you guys. The honesty is bleeding through. Fuck, I know. Like I'm ashamed of all my Mormon family. It's great. You've turned your life around. Don't come home. No, it's great. No, I've turned my life around, yeah. It's good. Okay. So what was the other charge? What else have you been arrested for? I have a couple. Like, what do we want to. I have another DUI. I got like rated when I was like a while ago. You got rated? Oh, fuck, yes. What did you. What did you get rated for? Just having fun, did you? She's fucking women, my man. That guy is unbelievable. You have like your own thing. I don't even think you know how funny you accidentally are. I own Salt Lake and they just like, "Man, we have to arrest him again." They don't like doing it. You know, like, I bring the good times to Salt Lake. Oh, my God. This guy's a fucking machine. So what were they rating you for? Well, that was. Okay, this is a story. Okay. Here we go. I got her a straining water against this crazy chick. Uh-huh. Because she kept showing up into my house. Yeah. So she went so crazy that she reported me to the DEA. Oh, shit. Yeah. For what? Growing mushrooms? Me and a G, dude. They just. No. No, there's no G in DEA. No. That was it. She's like, "This guy is Steve. He's off the charts. He's got to be on Salt Lake." That's all it was. So they rated you and what did they find? For me? They found that you were a G. No, that's when I found out, dude. I had to find the hard way. But, um. No, dude. I. They had me with some weapons charges. Yeah. What kind of weapons? Hold on. This guy is guilty. It's fun. I rolled with. I did my shit. You know, I still care of him, man. I'm out here to form. Yeah. What kind of weapons did you. That's crazy. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, Tracy's the probation officer. Yeah. Okay. So what weapons did you have? Just like normal weapons. Like what kind of weapons are normal weapons? You know, like me personally, I had a couple of roommates at the time. Uh-huh. One of them had like an AR. I had like a shotgun and three pistols. Three pistols. Yeah. Just in case you have to shoot people with both hands and your feet. Just shoot shit for fun, man. Right. It just depends on. Like someone really fucks with you. It's like, what? You know, it just. Right. My good other way, AR action. You never know. Absolutely. Fucking wild out there, man. You are so wild. I spent so much time with you on the interview. It's crazy. And I. And by the way, I don't want to move on. I have like a thousand more questions. But I literally have to for the sake of the format of the show. But I feel like we. I feel like we are just cracking the surface of your wild ass. So, sign up again sometime and we'll ask you more questions. There he goes, everybody. That's Dickie, everyone. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Woo! I feel like Dickie's going to break his sobriety tonight. Be careful out on those streets, everybody. Dickie may have rented a car here tonight. All right. Your next bucket bull goes by the name of Renaldo Mercado, everybody. Renaldo Mercado. So, my name is Renaldo. Good to see you guys. I am a Mexican guy. I'm a half. My mom is white. My dad is missing. I was like raised by a single mom. My mom had to raise me herself. So, she had to be like a single mom. She had to do both things at the same time, you know? My mom had to fill my dad's shoes, which is hard, you know? Because my mom had to be a mom. And. A Mexican guy. I'm a half. My mom is white. My dad is missing. Because my mom had to be a mom and a Mexican dad. Do you know how hard that is? My mom had to take me to baseball practice. And then she had to mow the outfield afterwards. Okay? I'm serious. My mom had to put a roof over my head. Literally. She built it. She shingled it. Okay? My mom had to build a table so she could get paid underneath it. Okay? All right. And I think if it was like that for me growing up, it means it's like that for other kids who also have mixed-raced parents, but only have one parent in the house. Right? So that means that somewhere out there, there is a black mom who has to be a white dad. And every day she has to go up to her kid and go, "Hey. Are you ready, Freddie?" Fuck yeah. Renaldo Mercado, everybody. Fantastic, fucking set. Thank you. You've been on the show a couple times before, right? Yeah. You lost. I spent their time. I love it. Fantastic. Welcome. Thanks for having me. Of course. Yeah. It's the bucket's fault, but yeah. Of course. So tell us, how's life been? What's going on? It's good, man. Things have been fun. We've been doing a roast battle here in the city. A roast battle here at the club. And I won. It's been fun, man. It's been great. Yeah. Yeah. What else? How about in like real life? I've just been boozing a lot. Doing a lot of drinking. Mostly that. I got so drunk the other night, I went and ordered a torta from a Mexican food truck. And then I was walking down the street and I was trying to find where my waymo was. But I was looking at my phone with my torta in this hand. And then I tripped and I hit the curb and I smacked my knee and I fell really hard. And I fell so hard that some dude behind me was like, "Yo, are you okay?" Yeah. And I didn't turn around. I was embarrassed. Did you drop the torta? I did. Tell me there's not a big Hispanic vibe tonight. There is. There is. I didn't confirm. There's definitely a vibe. It's contrary to the mainstream news reports of deportations. They appear to be deporting them to Shakespeare's "The Bar Next Door." It was what ICE is doing. Shane, what's going on? You're cooking up something, aren't you? No, no, no. He's got the knock loose on. It's another goth Hispanic. Yeah, they are. They're very goth. Right. When I was, I mean you. [ Laughter ] Hey, sometimes a photo just gets said and shit. It's different from Mexican emo, guys, because you guys, right? You white emo's like Shane. Shane's a white emo. He likes corn, right? You listen to corn. But we listen to elote. It's. That's good. I say counting worms in Spanish. I'm no savo. I don't know how to speak that shit. I'm from. I'm from St. Louis. I'm from the Midwest. I've built nothing in my life. Santa Luis. [ Laughter ] Hey, the. [ Speaking Spanish ] Renaldo, fans. What do you do for work, Renaldo? I used to work at a home depot. Wow. [ Laughter ] It's true, but now I just. I'm a door guy at the sunset strip. I work over this. Whoa! Look at that red band. That sound effect ready. Sunset strips are real party down there. I love it. Well, Renaldo, you did fantastic. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Absolutely. Let's do it. Renaldo Bell. We have a regular ladies and gentlemen who fucking is awesome. He writes some reforms, a brand new minute, every single week. You know him, you love him. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. He's now the dark storm of Austin. Make some noise to the great Dedric Flynn, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, it's summer time. I love summer time because my white friends show back up. They go into hiding when it's winter time. And I just -- I miss flexing how good my white friends is, like, on the internet, like, all of my black friends and family. They hit me up after I post a story of me on another jet ski that I didn't just pay for. And they're like, "Hey, share your white friends with us." And I'm like, "No, nigga, y'all don't know how to act." Y'all don't know how to act at all. Like, I got better white friends and white people. Like, "What did you do last weekend?" I was at WrestleMania. I was at WrestleMania because my white friends took me. It was a great time. And so I finally decided to take my brother out to a sand bar party. Sand bars just seem to happen in the ocean. And, like, a piece of land come up. And then you take a boat over there and then you get to claim the land, right? So I'm really giving my brother his 40 acres in a mule, right? I'm really just putting on for him. And after about 40 minutes of arguing with that nigga, he finally took his Air Force ones off at the beach, right? Because he looked me dead in my eyes and he was like, "Ain't nobody gonna see my toes, right?" And I respect boundaries. And so we, this nigga, he got his socks in the sand. And when you got a sand bar, it's important that we're like another group of white people come. You got to fight these niggas to the dead. You got to play like beer pong and flip-cook. And then the loser got to go. And they was real happy to have two black friends there. Nigga, we held the island the whole day after, because like, the week before, it was like, "Yo, Dedrick, when you coming out, we just lost six islands." You know what I'm saying? They brought day black friends. You were supposed to be here, you know, suit up. That's my time, I'll look. Dedrick Flynn with another brand new one minute 55 seconds. Always working overtime, every single week, you did it again, Dedrick. What are sand bars like? I've never actually been to one. Oh, bro, you got to-- I introduced you to my white friends. It's literally just like a mini beach. And then-- Take like a boat out there? Yeah, we take the boat. We got like, kegs of beer. And like, we have our own bar. We got like, bring out like, the portable speaker and just party on that, like, beach bars. OK. Yeah, this is the lawless country. It sounds like fun, but there's water all around you, right? Yeah, I don't get in that, right? I do the drinking games like this. When we play like "Dizzy Bat," you know what "Dizzy Bat" is? Oh, let me fucking tell you. Let me take it. You take a plastic baseball bat and you cut it off by the handle and you got a poor beer in there and then you chug it. And how many seconds it takes you to chug it, you got to put the bat on your head and spin around. And then you throw the can at you and if you hit it, you good. But if not, you got to go again. Oh, shit. I mean, this totally out of respect. Can you swim? No. I don't-- I ain't really looking-- I get it. I take-- I take-- I'm the white guy that takes some black guys out on boats sometimes, not like Tony would, but-- [LAUGHTER] But then we start drinking. They start getting confident in their swimming ability. No, I'll put that. I'll put that-- At first they're holding on the side, but they're like, no, no, no, no, no. No, he gets me. Drink five. They're like, I can swim pretty good. And then I got to save him. [LAUGHTER] He's so-- Yeah. It's fucking lamer and Nate. Yeah. He really is. They're tough to grind or to wrangle. I can imagine why deep in the genetic memory black guys might not want to get on a white guy's boat. That was cheap five, followed by. Don't bring that up. OK. Yeah, bring that up. Well, because I didn't do it, so it's funny to me. But you-- [LAUGHTER] Yeah, but what you guys do-- We don't want to talk about what we did. What you guys did, what you guys did, what we did, hey. I know exactly what you did. They eradicated an entire-- whatever. [LAUGHTER] Aborigines? Yeah, yeah, they feel-- Y'all love taking them out. Well, we say sorry sometimes. [LAUGHTER] It was also like the '70s. Crazy when they did it. Like men down under it came out. Or men at work came out like, well, that was out there. You've got to have a good soundtrack when you're doing a genocide. I know what to tell you. Vietnam. That's your rock. Hell yeah. What a cool Eddie Guerrero shirt you'll wear. I just want to say that. That is life. Fever not outside. Hell yeah. Dude, that was good. You tricked me. I was high enough for that. Day. Deadrick, you did it again. Another fantastic two minutes. You loved you, Deadrick. It goes on and on. Later, buddy. Your next bucket pool, everybody, goes by the name of-- Oh, how about one more time for Heidi, everyone. This is the lovely Heidi. Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals with the Home Depot. It's time to fire up summer cookouts with the next-grill, four-burner gas grill on special buy for only $199. And entertain all season with the Hampton Bay West Grove 7-piece Outdoor Dining Set for only $499. This Memorial Day get low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot, plus plus last price in bed May 14th, with May 27th. US only exclusions apply, see Home Depot.com/pricetmatch for details. Wishing you could be there live for the big game, soaking up the atmosphere in a crowd. But too often, life gets busy. Or the price holds you back. Priceline is here to help you make it happen. With millions of deals on flights, hotels, and rental cars, you can go see the game live. Don't just dream about the trip. Hook it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit priceline.com. Actual prices may vary, limited time offer. And we're going to keep it moving. Your next bucket pool, 60 seconds on an eruptive goes to Brandon Fields. Everybody, here comes Brandon, everyone. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, my God. I am highest alien pussy right now. Don't smoke weed before you do this. I'm telling you, it's not a good thing. Anyway, my name is Brandon. Yeah, I'm a black guy with a white name. I mean, believe it or not, I get judged more by what kind of phone I have more than being black these days. Believe it. It's like, oh, you got to Android. Oh, this ugly, nigga got to Android. I can't take it. Why don't you judge people off of the day phones, man? Because I got an iPhone, I'm not cool. Because I don't have an iPhone, I'm not cool. Maybe? All right, fuck y'all. That is. Anyway, yep, I got a white name, a white thing about me. I could swim. Unlike that dude on house arrest, that just lets the stage. He was actually on house arrest. I saw that angle model in shit. Thank you, I'm Brandon. OK, Brandon Fields. Welcome to the show, Brandon. You did nothing. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing standup? I'm on and off the light three years. For three? One and a half years. Where are at? What part of Tampa or Atlanta? Exactly. Actually, I started in Colorado. Oh, wow. Yeah, Colorado Springs in Denver, and now I'm here. OK. What were you doing in all these white places? I was in the military. I was in the army. Oh, nice. Yeah. What were you doing in the army? Shoot and shit. Bombing? [LAUGHTER] Hell, yeah. [APPLAUSE] Shit. Amazing. Did you ever fight overseas? I did not. I didn't want to because I joined at an older age. I was 32 when I joined. 32. So what's the craziest thing you did when you were in the military? What's the hardest thing? Well, we had a cool night shoe with big 50 cows and white hot scope and stuff like that and all night out there and blowing shit up. Yeah, so that was pretty good. Where do you live now? I live in close to Maynard. Maynard, Texas. Yes. How far is Maynard? About 15, 18 minutes. Oh, OK. Yeah, it's number one. All right. So you're doing comedy in Austin a lot? Not that much. I'm on and off. This is actually my first time signing up at-- You always wear that hat. Do you always look like someone dipped the Gordon's fisherman in chocolate? [LAUGHTER] Is that hat your thing? Are you attached to the hat? I mean, I'm trying to get used to it, but I have a big forehead, so-- Can we see it? Do you mind showing it to us? The world wants to see that big forehead. All right, fuck it. Oh, shit. Oh! See? Oh. Hey, you shut your lips up. Michael Gonzales. I saw you coming outside. I know you part, motherfucker. [LAUGHTER] Michael Gonzales with a very loud god damn. - Yeah, I'm kind of used to it. - So you're fighting the good fight with the forehead? - Yeah. - Wow. When did that start? Was that recent? - No, that was from birth. - Oh, okay. You always had a big forehead. - I kind of dropped his elbow in my fucking head and shit. - Yeah. - Yeah, came out the front. - Absolutely. So what do you do for work now? - Um, actually, I just quit my job last week. - What was the job? - I was a salesman. - What were you selling? - Uh, flooring, tile, hardwood floors, stuff like that. - Did you get it up? - Okay. - You weren't good at it? - No. - No. - How long did you do that for? - About a year. Since I got here. - All right. - And I worked that like flooring the core and shit before. So selling floors and shit. - Did you quit real professionally? Did you give like a two week notice or was it like that day? - Oh. - You see I'm black, right? - Well, I mean, I know. I'm just setting you up. - Hell no, I quit right on the spot. Actually, my manager, my old manager, he was just a show at work all the time. So he's probably going to feed it. - Sorry, bro, I had to quit. Got a better job. - What was the last straw? What made you quit on that day? - Um, I just didn't feel like it no more. And I got another job, so. - What's the new job? - New job selling tires. - Okay. - All right. - Hey! - Hey, selling tires. Yes, sir. - I think you'd be good at that since you kind of look like one. - Yeah, I'll start tomorrow, so. - Hell yeah. - Gonna be a good year for you. - Come on. Come on, folks. So, yo, you didn't. - That was a tire job. - What? - It was good. Yeah, yeah. I got it. - Speaking of tires, season three. Still out. - Three. - That flex, though. - Coming soon. Did you make any money with the flooring thing? - No, I got something. - You can, it's commission. - Yeah, I tried to sell bathtubs. - Yeah? - Fucking zero dollars. I worked there. I didn't make a single dollar. - Yeah. - I've been. - It was pretty broke. - They just trick people at Home Depot. So, like, do you want us to come remodel your house? And they're like, yeah, sure. You, the dumbest people on earth say yes. And then you got to drive to their house. I mean, like, I can design you a bathroom. - Never let Home Depot design your shit. - Get out of my house. - No, I never let Home Depot design your shit. I was just a shitty salesman. I don't know. I'm a short black shit. It looked like he was still your shit. So, yeah. - And I think you're going to be a great tire salesman. - I think you're going to, you could sell anybody a pair of tires. - Yeah. - You got to believe in yourself. You got to, I was a great door to door salesman. I saw cable television after Netflix had been invented. That's not easy. But I believe in you. You got to look him in the eye. And you got to say, you better fucking buy these tires. Or I'm going to kill your family. - Yep. - Like I said, I'm black, bro. - I can't do like that. - Are you from Colorado Springs? - Hell no. I'm from Florida. - Oh, okay. - Wait, I was right. - Yeah, the Army. - Fort Lauderdale, Florida. - Close to Tampa? - Fort Lauderdale. - Yeah. - Close to Miami. - Close enough. - Yeah. - Yeah, close enough. - Amazing. So, have you practiced selling tires yet? - No. - Are you prepared for this? - No, I mean, how hard can it be? You got a flat tire? I got a new one here. - I agree. I mean, the room tired in just 60 seconds. - There's more. I've had tires sold to me in this country. You got to do the pitch. You really, you got to go. Well, we can give you these cheap tires. I guess that's fine if you're ready to spin off the road and die. I guess if you're ready to accidentally side swipe a truck that's parked badly. Or have your mother explode in a car accident. I guess those are the tires you could get. Or you get these fancy tires. - Oh, no. You got an up sale. - Sit, man. You want to help me out on my first day? - No. - Brandon, let me ask you a question. - What's up? - What do you think is the whitest thing about you? Like in your daily routine, or at home, or something like that, or even maybe your night life? What do you, what's something that you do that you think might be the whitest thing about you, Brandon Fields? - I actually don't know, man. I'm pretty black, bro. - Okay, well then, let me ask the follow-up question. - Yeah, it is. - I'll swim like. - Oh, okay, perfect. - I will count that. Alright, here's the good part. What's the blackest thing about you? - Oh, got a couple charges. Don't rob the couple niggas. And back in my day, back in my own tool. - What did you do with the friends of yours? - I missed that part, you. - A rob the couple people, man. - Okay, no. - Okay, how did you do that? Did you do that with the weapon, perhaps, or. - No, I just deal with shit. - Oh, shit. Why didn't I look it? I was a petty thief. I wasn't good at it, okay? - What's the most you ever got in a thievery? - I actually got like $600 all this one time. - Whoa. - Not bad, that's pretty good. - Yep. - Is that off of a white woman? - Yes. (laughing) - How did you know? - I'm sick of you talking yourself down. You're saying I'm bad at selling floor. I'm bad at selling tires. I'm bad at robbing a white woman. I think you were good at robbing that white woman. I think you could. You focused, you set your mind to it. You do anything you want. Damn it. (cheering) Just out of my own curiosity, even though I should end this now. Where was the situation with this white woman? Just out of curiosity. Was it in a bar? Was it in a beach? - I was working security at a mall. - Uh-huh. - And a. - Perfect. - The least. - It was an inside job. (laughing) - That's great. - Hell yeah. She lost a wallet. - Ah. - And I found it. (laughing) - Did she report it to you? - No. - She's reporting to the store and I'm like, "Oh yeah, I have a wallet." "Here you go." - That's not it. - I robbery your dealing from the luston found. - Yeah. - Well, I want you to grow to have the self-confidence to threaten the killer bitch. (laughing) - Damn it. - You never sold from the luston found? - No. - Why not, men is free shit. - Well, I might rummage through on the way out of here. - Do we have a luston found at the park? - I shouldn't talk about it now. - Brandon, you are leaving here with a small black joke boat. - I'll be better now. - It goes along with your everything. But sign up again. (applause) All right, we're gonna keep it moving along here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Lucas Hinderlider, everybody. Here comes Lucas Hinderlider. - Yep. - Yeah, that's a Lucas Hinderlider. (applause) - Wow. Thank you guys. My name's Lucas. I had a weird day today. I walked into a porta-potty that didn't have any toilet paper in it. Yeah. So I walked out of that porta-potty, wearing only one sock. (laughter) Yeah, yeah. Because I had to wipe with the rest of my clothes. (laughter) Y'all ever do that? Y'all ever walk out of a porta-potty with a sock on your dick? (laughter) Oh, you thought it was on my foot? Oh, no. It was on my dick. It's good to be here. I was hanging out with my grandpa recently. My grandpa's getting old. I was in his room recently. I found a box in his room that was labeled the Barely Legal Porn. Yeah. Now, in 2026, Barely Legal Porn is 18-year-old girls. But my grandpa saw that it was all just interracial. (cheering) Thank you. Fantastic. A genuinely good show. Lucas, tender lighter. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before, Lucas? Yes. I remember you. Welcome back. How's everything been going? Fine. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Ten years. On and off, ten years. Okay, very good. Where are at? I started in St. Louis. And I did in New York for a while. And now I'm here. How long have you been here? About two years. What do you do for work? I sell motorcycles for a living. Ooh, interesting. One of the more interesting things we've heard being sold tonight. How do you do that? What's your pitch? You want to get pussy, dude? Fuck you out. I'd be like, "No, no way." No. What about a sidecar? Oh, what a dream. Yeah, that is you. Yeah, you should get a motorcycle and I'll ride in the sidecar, dude. Come on. You love those fucking rickshaw bike rides. I do. You want to be in a sidecar, so-- I love petty cats. Actually, a sidecar would be-- Yeah. I would like to be in a sidecar. I'm just being a regular car. My size. Yeah, whatever. I love it. Lucas, you got a girlfriend? Yeah. Okay. Does she do comedy, too? No, she's a musician. Ooh, what kind of musician is she? I like, you know, white girl sad music. I love it. Yeah. She's successful. Yeah, she's got a boob job today. Whoa! Redban wants to know her Instagram account. Her music must be great. I like how big. You've never had a better opportunity to help her career and give her a shout out. There you go, yeah. And you've gone straight to fresh new tits. Yeah, I got her Instagram. Yeah, her music's fucking whatever. But she did get new tits, so her career is about to take off. Redban had a good question. How big did she go with the tits? Um, I don't think too big. Uh, yeah. I don't know. I told her I didn't want her to get them. I-- I protested. Yay. Wow. What? Why? So that's exactly what she said. She called me gay. And I was really worried about not wanting her to get a boob job. We haven't even been dating that long. like three months. And I just got used to her body and now she's about to change it. I don't know. Right, you're scared. What size? Yeah, here's what I'm scared of. I'm scared. She is way hotter than me. Yeah. I'm scared. Yeah, she's gonna leave me. Right. That makes sense. But maybe she wants to please you. Have you seen them yet? I have no, she just got out like a couple hours ago. She's gonna be so mad at this. It's okay. No, she's not gonna be. So you have seen the new tits? I have not. Okay, so you must be excited. Are you gonna see them tonight? I don't think that's how I think she's bandaged up or something. Oh, I don't want to see like stitches and shit, you know. Wow. I don't know how they do it though. Maybe they just air it them up. Could be. They don't have stitches. And you have to massage them for a couple months. Yeah, you are so fucking weird. Why would you know anything about that? He knows everything. Yeah, my ex did that. But she left you after the test? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's not a good time. But whatever. It's coming. Yeah. Amazing. So, uh, you don't want to see stitches or any damage whatsoever. Man, I don't, I'm afraid, like I know they're gonna look fine, but I'm a, like that first picture, I'm afraid they're gonna look crazy. Like I don't like lopsiders. I'm shit. She doesn't canada. So it was like free healthcare tits. Oh, like, those taxpayer tits. Yeah, those are. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Yeah. But I told her to go to Mexico. She went to Canada. She went the other way. Free tits. You might be the one leaving her. Yeah. No, she's, she's a way too good for me. She lives in Canada full time. Yeah. So you're in a long distance relationship. Yeah. We got a titch up. What's that? Yeah. You guys are not together. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry to tell you that. We met after my last appearance on here. She slid in my DMs after. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. So what do you guys do? You like FaceTime? Um, well, so I don't know. She's been here like three times in the last three months. I just pay for tickets for the flight here. Wow. You make that much money selling. No cycles. No. No. Finance sex. And with the, oh, they were free tits. That's right. Yeah. Um, but she didn't tell you what size she was going to. No, she knew I didn't like it. So she just hasn't talked to me about. Oh, I hope I hope that like those obnoxiously huge tips. Oh, I hope so. I hope they're like anime giant things like the ones in your newly banned AI videos. Yeah. Cat bread. All right. Um, Lucas Hinderlighter. What are your parents like? Because the Hinderlighters seem like they would be in going off of your complexion, the whitest white people of all time. Um, yeah. My grandpa's German, my grandma's British. My mom's dead. Uh, yeah. How did mom die? Crack. Wow. That's a theme tonight. Uh, it was drug-related. I don't know. I didn't ask too many questions. She was kind of wild. Interesting. How recently did that happen? Like four years ago. Five years ago. Amazing. She have good tits. Right. That is a sad, that is a crazy question to ask. And it's disrespectful to the people that come on this show, spilling their soul and their spirit. Did she have good tits? They let me keep the implants after they cremated her. Wow. Do you send them up north? You fed X them right up to Ottawa. But your mom OD like fucking 60 years old. She was like 40. My parent. Wait, how fucking old are you? I'm 31. And your mom's nine when she came first? She was like 40 something. Uh, I had young dumb parents. Yeah. Wow. Damn. Yeah. How? How old was she? She was like 46 or something. Okay, and I guess you were probably 20, 26. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, that makes sense. Yeah. She liked a party. She was fun. She was cool. Um, she did it. She just, uh, party to lose. We're her and your dad still together when this happened. Oh, no. My dad was military. It was a whole, it never, it never works out, you know. Right. That makes sense. Well, Lucas, very funny set. I loved it. Here's a big joke. Good luck. Hell yeah. On a very Latino episode, indeed, we have our second Gonzalez of the night, our third Gonzalez on stage tonight. Makes a noise for Matt Gonzalez, everybody. What's up? I'm, I'm fat and I'm Mexican. My friends call me o Zem Spic. Now being Mexican, obviously I grew up Catholic. Growing up Catholic, I'd always have like the old ladies at church. They'd be like, me, huh? I pinched my cheek and me, huh? One of these days, you're going to grow up and you're going to be a priest. I don't know how to tell them. I don't want to fuck kids. Like, that's not my journey. And that's definitely not my cross to bear. God's plan for me was to fuck of age white women. And it's going pretty good. I can't lie. It's going pretty good. Have a girlfriend. It's sick as fuck. She's white as hell. I give her a good dick. She gives me a green card. Thank you. That's my time. All right, Mac Gonzalez. You've been on this show a couple of times before, right? Yes, sir. Welcome back. Thank you. What's changed in your life since the last time you were on? Um, last time I was on, I was trying to save money to like get out of the hammock. Uh-huh. You don't want to say, yeah, you were sleeping in a hammock for how long? Uh, like a year and a half, two years. Oh, my God. That's so bad for your back. So where are you selling the hammock? Uh, no, I want to say through hard work and determination, you guys can own two hammocks. You have a second hammock now? No, this is joke. I got a bed. I leveled up. Oh, bed. Regular bed. What's size? Uh, four. Wow. You know, totally split. Skip the twin. I mean, skip the crib too. Yeah. That counts. Incredible. Probably the first person out of the bucket tonight that has a full-size bed. Incredible stuff. What do you do for work, Matt? Uh, I am a mechanical designer and uh, shit with AutoCAD. It's kind of dumb and gay. Okay. Cool. Uh, what do you do for fun? Uh, I like to go fishing. I don't know. You go fishing a little bit. What else? Uh, golf. I try to be white as hell. Honestly, why? Matt, so, you know, they don't deport me. Why would you be deported? Aren't you born here? Yeah, but I mean, I know what I look like. Yeah, they get some mix-ups every once in a while. Yeah. Every once in a while, I just send a guy from Maryland to Venezuela. He's like, oh, fuck, I play golf. I listen to knock loose. Do you like, uh, like heavy metal? Are you a Mexican golf as well? No. You're not? I wish I was, dude. No. All right. What type of music are you into? Uh, I listened to like, uh, I don't know. I call it Desert Rock, you know, like, you guys are fucking weird. You guys, uh, what's Desert Rock? Desert Rock, you know, like shit. You'd listen to and like, you know, fucking, like, you know, like, uh, America, you know, it's like, uh, that one fucking horse song. Like I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. Oh, yeah, go on. You know, don't act like I don't. Wait, are you saying that the whole genre is just songs about the desert? Yeah. Name one of the desert rock songs. Oh, fucking hotel California. I don't know. Wow. I don't know that there's a desert mentioned in that song. Yeah, but I get it. Yeah. You know what I mean, right? Yeah. Are you trying to say that you like the Eagles? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. As you could on a dark desert highway. Yes. That is a lyric. It's literally you like songs with the word desert in it. Yeah. I thought it was desert ever. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. Matt, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now? Probably like, uh, it's nothing really weird. I don't know, just like some empanadas or something. Now there is. Think about it for a second. I'll give you a second to think about it. Think about the door, perhaps a condiment and odd thing. I don't know. Like, uh, I live with my, with my grandpa and my brother. Perfect. So. So what's in the fridge? I don't know. I haven't gone in there. I know they're in my bathroom though. There's some weird shit. Like what? I saw my, uh, roommates, uh, sex toy. It was like a little cock ring in the shower. Say you live with your, you live with your Irmana and your puppy. Wait, who's, wait, it was a cock ring? I thought it was going to be flesh later something. You found one of them a cold ring for the penis? Yeah. You found your grandpa's cock ring in the shower. Yeah. Really? Did you ask him about it? No, no, it was either my brothers or my grandpa's, so. How old's your grandpa? He's like 87. Yeah, fuck yeah, I wrote him. What's his phone number? [ Laughter ] He's like, "He is from the Titanic, isn't he?" [ Laughter ] Hockering at the bottom of the sea. His social security card was on, like, stone. All right, what the fuck, guys? Nah, that's so damn. Yeah, that was crazy. Crazy to go from a cockering to that. But you found a cockering? Yeah, it was on my shampoo. So, let me ask you, man. Word into the shower. I don't know. I don't want to ask those questions, man. What makes you think it was a cockering? What is that even? I mean, I know what they look like. How? How do you know what they look like? I got one myself, imagine. You have a cockering? Uh, yeah, I did. I did at one point, yeah. It's crazy that you're not talking about with this with the fan-- Cockerings are not so common that we-- Not at all. --just all accidentally have a cockering, you know. There's got to be something deep in the blood, cooling out for this family that loves having a cockering around. I've never used a cockering, why, I'm sorry. I've never seen it. I either. You're missing out, honestly. Who introduced cockerings to the family? It's a bit of cockering, sounds, but come to the door. Does it look a little secret Santa at the house? You guys, cast around, I go, oh, you got me a cockering, thank you. Thank you. You got me a cockering mask, man. Wow. So I believe you said that at one point you had a cockering, and now you no longer have one. What made you take your cocker? You'd be casted into the fire at more. [LAUGHTER] If you push your cocks together, Shazam comes at him. [LAUGHTER] Sorry. Yeah, how many cockerings are in your fucking house? Yeah. Yeah. My Nathan Planet jumping out of the family reunion. Anyway. OK. What made you? Your family, your grandpa, has that Michael Jordan photo like. Six fucking rings. [LAUGHTER] It's ridiculous. [LAUGHTER] What-- what made you take your cockering out? I had to throw it away, didn't. Why? I don't understand. It was a little discussing and a little too powerful. So tell us what you mean by that. Like it had one of those little pill-shaped things on top of it. You know what I'm saying? No, we don't know. Then you are a cockering master. You are the Frodo of cockerings. You are the lord of the cockerings. You are Johnny cockering. [LAUGHTER] So tell us what you mean. Describe this. The ring doesn't ring. God, that's not fair. Yeah. It must be my grandpa's. No, so it was like one of those cockerings that had like a small vibrator on it, as well. And you were just too good at sex? Is that what you're trying to say right now? No, I'm saying I need a shot. I needed a little help. That's all I'm saying. Look, well, hold on. You've got to tell me about this thing. How powerful and good is it? Why shouldn't it be mine? Now believe it or not, I actually didn't know what a cockering was in turns out. I thought we were talking about a piercing of some kind the entire time. Fucking nuts. Yeah. This is weaker than a fucking piercing. Now he has brought it up. And I'm realizing that a cockering is actually the thing that you like strap around your balls and then the base of the shaft of your penis. Is this correct? I must be doing it wrong, then. [LAUGHTER] You're going to wear it on your head? How are you doing it? What are you talking about? What do you mean? You just go around the shaft. That's what I thought. You just have one that squeezes around your shaft. Yeah. OK. To keep it hard, is that-- Yeah, what do you use this for exactly? Not really my stuff. It's got the vibrator on it. That's why I had it. OK. So you had-- Well, so make sure. For the ladies. Yes. So you would put it around the shaft of your penis and then flip a switch. Oh, no. No. [LAUGHTER] No offense. Where are you getting a lot of pussy? No. OK. No offense. So the occasional, you'd get some pussy. You'd go, hold on one second. You go, wait till you fucking see this. I had to turn it on first. And how did these fat white women-- How did they feel about it? Don't-- that's mean and nasty. I don't like that, dude. My girlfriend's really nice. No, no, no. I'm not saying her. I was saying the previous ones when you had the ring. I would never disrespect her. Oh, yeah, those, yeah. Yeah, fat white-- yeah. So like, you would literally bust this thing out. Let's say you just met a girl in your lucky enough to have her back to your place on your hammock or whatever at the time. You would literally-- I'm just trying to confirm our beliefs here. This was hammock days, right? It was pre-hammock days. Pre-hammock? What the fuck were you sleeping on before? Newspapers? What's going on here? This is before I got evicted from the bed. And then I got a hammock. OK, so you had a bed at the time in which you were turning, flipping the switch. Yeah, OK. And so there were times in which it would be like a one-night stand or whatever, someone that you just met. OK, now, yeah, correct? Mm-hmm, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Bro, that's fucking nuts. It's actually just above the night. Yeah, yeah. Tony, folks. [LAUGHTER] Hey, come on, that tickle. I did not tickle him. Did you ever-- so it was the shower in the morning when you saw the cock ring? It was at night. OK, I wasn't sure if your grandpa passed out with the cock ring on, still buzzing. And the shower was like, oh, shit, I forgot. So one could assume that this was your grandpa's cock ring and that perhaps he was jerking off in the shower while simultaneously using the vibration while trying to hold out or something like that. I mean, it's one of two people. OK, right. So let's see the brother or your grandpa. It runs in the family. It's a lot like teen wolf. I don't know if you guys have seen teen wolf. Where Michael J. Fox reveals to his father that he's been turning into a wolf. And the father shows him. He indeed is also a wolf. This is a cock ring bathroom. It's in the bathroom. It is in the bathroom. It's a bathroom mirror. And it opens on the dots who looks a lot like James McCann, by the way, the dad pull up the dad and teen wolf. It's shockingly looks like James McCann. I think it's beautiful that your granddaddy took that opportunity to hand the cock ring down to you. Look, it's James McCann. I haven't seen him before. Yeah, you look like teen wolf's dad. Here you got to just zoom in. Oh, you can't really. You got to-- fuck. Oh, there's no-- Oh, fuck it. You look like a hairy guy. Yeah. That's what you look like, James. Wait, have you and your brother discussed cock rings? Nope. You guys have just both stumbled upon it, equal, like-- No, I don't bring it up. I don't say anything. Do you have your brother's phone number? Can we call your brother right now? How many of you think we should call his brother? We are in overtime in this interview. This has gone on way too long. I think it's time we solve problems, because let me remind you. If the brother says that that's not his cock ring, that means it is the grandfather's cock ring, ladies and gentlemen. And then we will have to call the grandfather. Can we unlock Matt Gonzalez's phone, please? Oh, my God. All right, so here's what we're going to do, Matt. When you hit send on that, hand me the phone, and I'll flip it on, and you can put it on speaker, because I have to put it to the base of the phone, much like a cock ring. Here we go. We are calling from the base down to the base of it. Hello? Hey, Sammy, how are you? Good, what's up? Good, I'm here with your brother. This is Kiltoni. You're on a live podcast right now. I just want to warn you. And your brother's crushing on stage. He's 14 minutes into an interview, and we have a crazy question to ask you. OK, all right, go ahead. This is a lot like, who wants to be a millionaire phone, a friend? But-- What's it, A, your grandpa? Speak. Yours. So here is the situation, Sammy. Your brother, Matt, was in the shower recently. And we know that you lived together with your grandpa. So can you hear me OK, Sammy? Yeah. OK, here we go. There's a big question happening, because we found out that your brother once owned a cock ring, And he had to-- and then he threw it out. He no longer has the cock ring. And the other day, he was in-- was it-- he was very recent, right? Yes. The other day, he was in the shower. So we are curious, because it's either your cock ring that he found in the shower, or it's your grandfather's cock ring. [MUSIC PLAYING] Look at this. So that was definitely mine. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Hold on, Sammy. We can't hear you. The crowd's going too crazy. OK, hold on. What were you just saying, Sammy? We haven't heard anything since you said it was yours. Go ahead. I was just wondering which one it was. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh, my God, how many different ones do you have, Sammy? Well, there's one that just goes around everything. There's one that just goes around the balls. [LAUGHTER] Holy shit. Which one-- Matt, can you describe to your brother the cock ring that you saw? It was black, and it said ox balls on it. Do you recall having one that's black? This is ox balls on it. Yes, but I do. Wow. Look at my finger, Sammy. Now, Sammy, what was that doing in the shower? Sometimes you just got to clean it off with your body, too. Wow. You just shower together with everything on. Wow. It's like when you got bathes after a chlorine pool, you got to leave the cock ring. And then, according to your brother, you decided to put your cock ring on his shampoo bottle. What was the purpose of that, exactly? Well, I don't know. Honestly, I didn't know that was his. Maybe it's just show dominance, I don't know. Wow. Sammy, thank you so much for answering these questions. The crowd loves you. Thank you for taking part. We'll talk to you soon, Sammy. Unbelievably entertaining. Cool, brother. Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the Lord of the Cockerings? Mackenzie's always, ladies and gentlemen. [APPLAUSE] Here's a big joke, book buddy. Wrap your cockering around that, but you get home. All right. Tomorrow morning is knocking. Stock your fridge now. How about a creamy mocha frappuccino drink, or a sweet vanilla? Smooth caramel, maybe. Or a white chocolate mocha. Whichever you choose, delicious coffee awaits. Find Starbucks Frappuccino drinks wherever you buy your groceries. Woop. Sleep better, train smarter, recover faster, and feel healthier. Understand and optimize your sleep. Get coaching and insights for every age, stage, and cycle. Track over 140 habits. Get a 360 view of your training and workouts. Never miss a second of that with a wireless and waterproof charger. Expect all new features all the time. Everybody, your next bucket pool is one of our favorite co-producers around here. Someone that helps out with the show all the time. Make some noise for Dusty Carter, everybody's back. Dusty Carter. After a bit of self-reflection, turns out I, to him, racist. Because if you're not the human race, I don't like you. I don't like AI. I don't like robots. I don't like humanoids. I don't like cyborgs, weimos, or rhombus. Basically, if you ain't got blood vessels, we ain't friends. What do I look like hanging out with a bunch of wired bands? If I want to be around a bunch of wired bands I'd have kept cooking meth. Speaking of drugs, they've been talking about legalizing marijuana in America, and I've got one problem with that. This new generation will never understand the prohibition. They will never remember peeling apart Mexican brick weed. They won't know the frustration of sifting seeds for five minutes to roll a joint. They won't even know what it tastes like to smoke the resin out of your bone, because that asshole won't address bones. Other than that, I'm okay with it. That's what that is. Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Did you say wired beans? Wired beans. Like, "Wired things that exist here." Got it, got it, wired beans. Got it. I couldn't hear that correctly. Fun set, Dusty. How's it going? How's it going? Good. Had a blast at WrestleMania last week. Hell yeah. Hold on, I'm looking at this fat guy ducking to try. That's a fool. That's a lot of work, that guy. That's a lot of work. That stressed him out. Yeah. No doubt about it. Yeah, WrestleMania was fun. We were there. I almost wanted to know how hard it is to walk a fat guy. Yeah. The last thing he wants to do is leave. And your set made him go, "All right, I've had enough." Or it made him hungry. It may have heard wired beans. And he's like, "Oh, I need some beans." Amazing, so Dusty, tell us more about your life. You used to cook math, right? Yes, yes, I did. I was an interest in being in myself in a former life. You were a bean? Yes, I was a bean. Not the one in Chicago that you found out about recently. I know nothing about the bean. We talk about the meth stuff every time I'm on here, but we never talk about the fact that the only chocolate I eat has a pulse. Really? Wow. Let's talk about that. I've been with a black woman for six years now. The same black woman for six years? Yes. Wow. What that beat like? Let's say that the reason I brought it up is you always ask that question. And these guys are always talking about the difference. The true difference between a black woman and a white woman when a black woman buys you something, she expects you to wear it. And she will remind you every time you get ready to go out that you should wear it. But she also reminds you, if you entertain any compliments, you will be buried in the same fucking thing. Wow. A white woman will buy you some shit, never say nothing about it. And next thing you know, you wake up on snapped. What do you mean, unsnapped? You know, the show where white women kill their-- Oh. Yeah, you just get-- they trip. Got it. They trip? Yeah, white bitches be crazy. White bitches be tripping? Yeah. But there are certain things you have to know when you're with a black woman. Like you have to know what setting spray is. What setting spray? It's a special spray that the ladies use after they do their makeup kind of seals it up. Clear coat and a paint job, if you will. Oh, wow. That's very interesting. Because if they're not wearing it, you end up fucking looking like the love child of Jimmy Kimmel and Justin Trudeau. Oh, blackface. Yeah. And when you're out in the public, and you realize she's not wearing setting spray, the first thought you have is she trying to have me kill her canceled. Damn. Very interesting. Where'd you meet this black woman at? She was a military lady, and we met on the internet. OK, when first date, what was that like? We went to a comedy club. Was that the first black woman that you've been with? No, sir. OK, wow. Look at you. You ever wear a cock ring, Dusty? Yes. Wow. Look at this. We are the last to the cock ring party. Shane, how about you? I was back there listening thinking, I could explain this whole story. Grandpa can't keep it up. He wrapped it, but it turned out wasn't grandpa. How many members of the band are there? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven? Who's used a cock ring? Just as a sample. Like, I know you've seen it. Carlos Soso over there. [LAUGHTER] Yeah! Hell yeah. [LAUGHTER] Of course he did. This is more common than I expected. You never see a cock ring in the form of grandpa. He madness. You ever use a cock ring? No. [LAUGHTER] Fuck yeah, he madness. One, how many cock rings have you had, Carlos? Only one. And you still have it? No. Wow. You got rid of it. Yeah, I guess. I don't remember what happened. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my god. This costan in the couch. [LAUGHTER] What do you mean? I think I lost mine in the divorce. I don't remember. Oh, shit. All right, Dusty. Well, we love you. You have fun times. There goes Dusty Carter, everybody. We'll see him again. All right. Here's another bucket pool. This looks like an interesting one. Make some noise for James Swanson, the third, everybody. Hell yeah. Make some noise for James, everybody. [APPLAUSE] I recently got engaged to the woman of my dreams. Love is blind, and it is also three feet six inches. I fell in love with the midget. I can only handle half of a woman's problems. When we go out on dates, I carry her in the front pack like a little baby kangaroo. We always get our 50% off discount. And we only have short arguments. But the best part is my dick looks huge next to a midget. First time I've ever been in two hands at the same time. And I feel like a giant because when I'm standing up, give her her the money shot. She's standing up too like she's in the shower. We only got one problem, Austin. She's always trying to 69 but she can only 34.5. So while she's sucking my dick, I'm licking her kneecaps. Don't laugh. Like kneecaps is delicious. I just put a little honey on them. That's my time. James Swanson, the third. Yes, the third. Welcome. Thank you. Is that true? You're really with the midget? Yes, I like shorter people than me. Oh my god, that is incredible and very hard to find. I know. You do look like unsuccessful Kevin Hart. We're not after tonight, Tony. That's right. The star is born. And you're currently you're in love with the midget? No, I just made the joke. Oh, I wanted to sing T-Ping. I'm in love with her midget. She's short and she's short and that's good. Oh, yeah. Amazing. How old are you? I am 53. How long have you been to in standup? I started like I first touched the mic. Two dollars is 11, but I fell off. I got in and out of it. In and out of it. But I've been really serious about it the last three years. Okay, you live here in Austin? No, I'm traveling from Las Vegas. You live in Vegas? Yes. What do you do in Vegas? Uber driver. Why'd you smile and hesitate there for a second? Because I quit a six-figure job to follow my dream. So. Wow, what was the amazing? What was the job that you quit? I saw the time share upgrades in Las Vegas. Time share upgrades? Yes. Wow. People actually like time share. The crap. That was so fast. Everyone was like, "He quit a six-figure job!" What a bold man on a dream! And then they're like, "You saw time share." They're like, "What a fucking piece of shit!" This guy is. Hey. I've never heard. I don't know what the fuck his problem is. I don't know. Fuck you! No, no, no. How are you? I'll fuck him up. Teen Wolf Dad looking ass. James Swanson III. This is incredible. James Swanson III means that you knew your father, right? I did. And that your father knew his father. Yes. That is incredible. Three generations in a row. That's like a power ball or something like that. Yeah, that's the trifecta. Absolutely amazing. Do you have any kids, James? I do not. Okay, how have you gone avoiding that your whole life? Well, I'm still a kid, so. I love it. Kids can't raise kids. Amazing. Amazing. 53-year-old child you are. What do you do that's so child-like, James? I just like to have fun. Like what? Well, recently I've been working out. I'm getting my shit together. Like the last three years, I don't smoke weed. I don't drink anymore. I go to the gym every day. I lost 84 pounds. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Red bands on pace to do that. It'd be six with the only sandwiches. Are you doing sandwiches? How did you lose your weight? Where, what kind of diet did you do? Well, I just had bad habits. I drank a lot. I smoked weed. I ate, you know, eight after dark. No. Just uh, just 53 years old. You got to get your shit together. Yeah. Was there something that happened that made you have this great awakening? Um, I videotape everything I do on stand-up. And I watched myself. And I really love comedy. And I want to take it as far as go. And I was on the thin line of being left that or left with. Right. So that was it. I love comedy more than anything. So I gave all that shit up. Amazing. Yeah. What did you replace it with? Just comedy. Is there any other vices or anything that you need? No, I'm not guilty pleasure. I go to sometimes twice a day. But um, and I drive Uber because I mean, with the six figures and go into five figures, you just got to work. Right. A lot harder. What's the craziest thing in Vegas that's ever happened in your Uber? What's the wildest shit you've ever seen? That place is absolutely nuts. So I dodge all the nutty drivers I drive. Have time in the morning and a little bit in the evening. But I had this, I swear to God, this lady was like a lunch teacher. I mean, a lunch lady. A lunch lady, yeah. In high school, but she had a hell of a night in Vegas. And um, she got in my car because I, so I waited for like 10 to 15 minutes. She begged me the way. She couldn't find where I was at the Uber pickup. Yeah. And um, she finally was coming around the corner and fucking, she was hanging off her foot. What time of the day is that? This was eight o'clock in the morning. So she had been in the, she was in the casino all fucking night. Yep. So she was falling off. Money is falling out of her purse. She jumps to my car. And the first thing she says is that you are the worst Uber driver ever. Oh, shit. I told that bitch she was the worst passenger to get the fuck out of my car. Yeah. But she refused to get out of my car. I had to go get a security and a police to get this check out of my car. I think I know the security guy. He ended up with her wallet that night. Wow. James. So living in Vegas must be hard to avoid all of those temptations, drinking, smoking, all these weed just legal there. Yeah, you just got to find something you love more than all I bush it. Is there a joke that you want to do that's not, uh, fucking and imaginary midget related? I'm just curious. It seems like you really love doing this and you were just kind of one note tonight. I'm curious if there's something else that you might have up your sleeve. I got something on my sleeve. It's longer than a minute though. Well, in that case, do you have anything short quick? Uh, shorter than your three foot six imaginary midget girlfriend. Well, let me see. What can I come up with? Oh shit, damn it, I'm in a minute. Everything is almost longer than a minute. Everything is longer than a minute. Can I get two minutes? No, we can't do that. That's a whole different show. That's tough though. I couldn't do that either. Somebody was like, tell me a joke. I would. I'm a storyteller. I'm a shit stories. That's all I do. All right, well, anything else crazy about your life? We should know. I know that you will see me, James Wanson will be coming to us. Your television is very soon. I love him. I'm hilarious. You're going to steal these people's TVs? Oh yeah. Whatever it takes, whatever it takes. James Wanson, the third year's a medium joke book for you. I think. Come back, sign up again sometime. All right, let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? What bullets keeping these boys hydrated tonight? All right, your final bucket pull of the night. This is definitely a new name, I do believe. Make some noise for Matt Worldly, everybody. In high school, my art teacher was like, "Hey, does anybody in here know how to speak Arabic?" And she was getting ready to train us for like a calligraphy lesson. And I was like, "Fuck it." I'm like, "Yeah, I speak Arabic." She goes, "Go ahead, Matt speaks America for us." And I said, "La la la la la la la la." And everybody left in the classroom except for her. She was like, "Matt, that's rude, that's insensitive. Does anybody in here actually know how to speak some Arabic?" And I was like, "Well, yeah, I do." And she was like, "Are you actually going to say something in Arabic this time?" And I'm like, "For sure, I said what I just did wasn't cool." I'm like, "Not going to do it again." She goes, "Go ahead." And I said, "In perfect Arabic," I said. And she gasped. She was like, "Oh, my God." She was like, "That was beautiful. Do you know what it translates to?" I said, "Hey, yeah, I learned it from Call of Duty. It means we've got control of a hostage." (Laughter and applause) Okay, that's just true story, you guys. Thank you so much. There you go. Matt Worldly, Matt Worldly, everybody. Thank you. Welcome to the show, Matt. Thank you very much. Amazing. How long have you been to in stand-up? You know, I tried it like 15 years ago, took a big break, and now I've been at it for maybe two months now in Denver. Okay, what made you want to start again two months ago in Denver? You know, my dad came into town and I thought it would be a really cool bonding experience. For us to like go out and do some stand-up. So we did some stand-up at the Lionslayer on Colfax. Your dad did it, too? Yeah, he did. He did. Was it his first time? Pretty much. I mean, yeah, I didn't go so good. Wow. Did it go better for you? A little bit. Yeah, okay. Was he happy that he did it afterwards? He did. He did. He just like, he took two and his head about it. Because like, before we were pre-gaming, watching Kill Tony, because Lionslayer's on Monday, so I'm like, "Dad, like, have some drinks." Like, come on, it's loosen up. He's like, no, I gotta stay focused for comedy. And I'm like, "All right." Is your dad also a sinner's vampire? (laughing) No, he's like a three-foot buff midget. Oh, you better watch out. I have fucking black eyes, you can see. (laughing) See your dad's pussy. (laughing) So Matt, yeah, I agree with Shane. You have a very interesting look and you have-- Thank you, thank you. It's fingernails. It's the nails, can we talk about the nails? Yes, thank you very much. They're really fucked up. I thought you were playing-- I thought you were like a guitar player, but then I looked at the other hand and it also had the big nails. What's-- No, no, Jesus just blessed me with like perfect nails. Yeah, coke head. You think your fingernails are from God? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Can you hold them up to everything? No, no, no, don't try them, try them, try them, sorry. I mean, ladies, come on, those are real fucking nails. I'm not playing around here. Thank you, Queen. Wow. Shit. Wow. Amazing. It's a gun. You could have been for strong. No, but, Hold on, you know that there's a device that you can use. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That will make some sure. But I like it this way, because it kind of plays into my persona and my personality. What is that? Yeah. It's like what I would call like an alien wizard scientist. Yeah. You look like the state of New Mexico in one person. So an alien wizard scientist. Can you explain what you mean by that? Sure, sure, sure. So alien wizard science is an art form that I invented, essentially, where I essentially shine light through rotating glass. Wow. So I have to go to the toilet. Yeah, please do, please do. OK. So that, you know that's fucking retarded? No. You'd be surprised. You're a new one to talk. I would be-- [CHEERING] Oh, hell no. It feels good, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. I'm sorry. Oh, that's OK. It's so good to meet you, bro. Yeah, it's nice to be here. Fuckin' gods. It's all right. So you do a wizardry through glass? Yeah, so I have like this crazy laboratory in Denver, Colorado. You have a laboratory? I have a legit laboratory. You may get anything else there. There's like lights embedded in the floor. The floor is sound activated. And I conduct these crazy light experiments on my YouTube. And I essentially manipulate light and then make music to it in real time. You make music to that. Is it dubstep? So not really. Not really, but-- No. No, no, no, no, it's like a very meditative-- OK. It kind of puts you in that state of mind of tripping without tripping, because it's like natural light refractions. But then you could also trip, and it would be better. It would be so fucking dope. Yeah, all right, all right. All right, what did I miss? What kind of wizard are you? Alien wizard scientists. Sick. Wow. So other people go there and they do this, right? They trip. We brought up your YouTube. Oh, fuck yeah, dude, that's me. We are the fourth viewer on this video. I've never even seen that before. It's actually crazy that they let you know that there's been three views before this. Even bots are like, oh no. I'm what the fuck is this shit? Oh, this guy's fucking sine, kind of. All right, so there is definitely a very-- How did you-- Did the shitty ass video, Red Band, come on. Literally your latest video. Pick, like, number 27. They went right about your finger there. No. The most views, which is zero views. OK, thank you. You didn't know. Come on, go back. Let's see his most viewed. Do the one with 61 views there. That one, right there. OK, no, nobody can see this. It's supposed to be so boring for you guys. No, that's all right. You can imagine exactly what-- Yeah, exactly. It actually is pretty good. Like, production-wise, you're doing pretty good stuff. Oh, I think the lighting-- Zero views is crazy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Visually, it's very nice. Visually, it's-- Yeah, thank you. It's like a work in progress. I actually just started it. So how did you come up with this idea? How did you realize this is something that you want to do? Well, it was just been the series of, like, spiritual connection to, like, my art. And it's kind of brought me to this place. I've always been, like, a-- Hit like, close. [LAUGHTER] I've always been, like, an innovator. Like, I don't follow rules. I just do whatever the fuck I want. What's another instance where you innovated something? So, like, for the past seven years, I've been a professional body painter. So I've-- I've painted tits for seven years. You painted tits for seven years? Painting tits. That's what I've been doing for seven years. Do you have a-- Two days a week. Do you have a accidentally scratch the women? No, no, no, no, no. How about-- How about-- Scratch yourself? I'm not good. No. Do you accidentally scratch yourself? Because I've done that. One time, yeah, like, in my sleep-- Yeah. Fucked myself up pretty bad, yeah, right here. I'm trying to-- it's my belly, and I just caught my chest. But I got in the shower. I was like, oh, fuck. Tony. Oh, wow, OK. This guy's hosting over here. Yeah. Mike-- He had enough of my belly story. Say, come on, man, you're bombing. Back to my fucking sculpture video or whatever. So, you paint women. They just sign up for this. They pay you to do that? Yeah, absolutely. How much is-- does it cost for you to paint a woman's tits? So, like, I have price ranges ranges from, like, 15 to, like, 35. And I walk around with, like, a lanyard in a tray. 15-- And I walk around this dope-ass club. And I just paint women all night. I've been doing women's tits and buy a sandwich. 15 bucks. That's a good idea. You'll lose some weight. This is a sandwich diet. Red fans, famous sandwich diet. Have you ever painted a man before? Oh, yeah, I paint men and women. But, like, I, you know-- Yo. Put on the-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you happen to mention painting tits for seven years. How many dicks do you think you painted? Well, some people are, like, you know, painted dick on my friend. I'm, like, that's expensive. I don't want to paint-- I don't want to paint some people. But how many dicks have you painted? Has the dick-- Like, like, painted on an actual dick? Yeah. I haven't paint on any fucking dicks. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get so defensive right now. Sorry. That's our very alien wizardry of you. Yeah. Sorry. Peace be with you. Yeah, it didn't mean to get all up in your fractals over there. Wow. All right, Matt Worldly. Well-- Yeah, you will. Yeah. Here's a medium joke book, and there you go. There he goes, Matt Worldly, everybody. All right, that was a full episode. We have one regular, everybody. He is the newest regular here on Kill Tony. And we absolutely love him. He's been on a fucking terror. He's hilarious. Make some noise for him. This is a brand new minute from your newest regular ladies and gentlemen. This is Pat O'Neill, everybody. [THEME MUSIC] [CHEERING] Folks, my ex-girlfriend, she would love it when I'd spit in her mouth. And my new girlfriend hates when I mention that. [LAUGHTER] First time we hooked up, I didn't have a condom. So I tell her, hey, you better not have herpes. Because then I will have double herpes. [LAUGHTER] Last weekend, she got so drunk, she threw up on my cock. So next time, I'm just going to let her sleep. Oh. Good. Telling that story last night, and this woman in the crowd called me toxic, I was like, that pretty rich coming from somebody that bleeds out of their goddamn crotch. OK, that's enough for me. Thank you, Pat O'Neill, has done it yet again. So funny, amazing stuff, Pat. Thank you, Tony. You're a wild boy. Everything about you is hilarious, especially the way you look, the way you write, and everything that you do. You're delivery, everything. I absolutely love it. James McCann, this is your first time seeing Pat. Oh, it's the second. I saw you just before I left town. And I'm so proud of the glow up. I'm so proud of where your career is going. Thank you, James. I can't believe you haven't had a haircut yet. I'm really-- I'm holding on to all of it. I'm really impressed. Thank you. I don't have anything nasty to say. I'm proud of you. Oh, yeah. Shane, this is your first time seeing Pat, right? I don't think it is my first time. That was great. Yeah, it was on the Netflix one. Yeah, it was very funny. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it was great. You could have done it without the end. Yeah, I kind of-- You had them. I lost the timing of it. I don't want to just sign off on it, fuck. Yeah, I'd like that one where your woke is sleeping woman up by shoving your penis down her throat, you know? Because you're so charming. I didn't notice that that's what it was about. And then I thought about it later, and I said, I thought I think he was mouth fucking a sleeping woman and I didn't know that could be so funny Yeah, and you don't look like the type of guy that would do that you don't That's what's so fun. It's a nice mistracked cuz you seem like a classy Turn on mouth fuck Pat O'Neill always mouth fuck Ratu Are you dirty and bad like are you are you freaking the sheets? Are you a freak in the sheets Pat O'Neill this woman just goes, okay? Welcome to my world lady Not just missionary, you know what I mean I don't give nearly yeah, I don't give nearly the fucking Not in that fancy stuff brother no showboden North and South like a white man running the football I formation I love it Pat what's you ever use any toys in the bedroom? You ever have a you ever had a cockering or anything like that? No, no, I don't give nearly the fingering that last guy does with this fucking green claws Any woman ever do anything crazy in the bedroom that freaked you out you had to stop it had to stop it down Full stop it's like the tongue got a little too low and I don't play I don't play that funny business You don't try to get into the pearly gates. Yeah, yeah, I bet you're right I mean this guy's exactly right. Yeah No cock rings no bullshit, dude. No bullshit. This is the carpet match the drapes are your pubes longer on the sides That you're the man. Yeah, I love you closing out this show such great jokes. You did it again. It's a great pat O'Neal Guys make some fucking noise to the great Shane Gillis everybody we did it The driver Brian J. Evelle has been one more time for James McCann everybody Make sure you check out The roast of Kevin Hart tire season three all the fun stuff is out there on Netflix James McCann is the James Donald Forbes McCann Catermore and plan podcasts So type that into your Google and find that it's available everywhere Thank you to quote prize pick surf shark and cheer self. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there Oh, it's Shane hell. Yeah, that's Shane and a flyer's hat did they win the flyers win? Oh fuck fires loss. We got serious. Fuck down Fuck the penguins. Well, I'm sure they'll close it out strong red band. Uh, San Diego I'm coming to the American comedy co with some friends American comedy co dot com We're going to Madison Square Garden ladies and gentlemen August 7th and 8th I end a lot of other fun stuff happening so stay tuned for a lot of other fun announcements upcoming We love you guys. Thank you so much everybody. 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