#767 - LUIS J GOMEZ + ARI SHAFFIR + PEYTON RUDDY

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Redford, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah. And that's the best damn band in all the land. Make some noise for them, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo. Carlos. Carlos Sosa, that's Tres Leches on the horns. You had Michael Gonzalez in the mix, that's Nachos Belgrande. Joining the band tonight, the banjo player from Mumford & Sons, an unbelievable artist, Winston Marshall, ladies and gentlemen. Huge part of the Kill Tony family. We know him, we love him, the homie. Make some noise for Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that man sitting right there, that's not Adam Ray. That's D Madness live in the flesh, everybody. The pack bump. The eyes and ears of the band. What an episode we have for you. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter. This is Kill Tony. And here is a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that make the whole thing possible. Hello there, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Saley. Whether you're hitting the road for a comedy, tour, or just trying to escape the country for a vacation, getting off a long flight and realizing your phone doesn't have internet is an absolute nightmare. That's where Saley comes in. Red band. Tony, I love Saley. Think of it as your new travel buddy. It's a super simple eSIM app that keeps you connected in over 200 places around the world. 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Celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in? Must be 21 to enter. - Some things are impossible to miss. Like an elephant in the room. Or a bull in a china shop. Or this season's amazing offers. Brought to you by Paypal. Discover offers from hundreds of brands like Viator, Allbirds, and Tory Burch right in the Paypal app. Save an offer before you check out with Paypal and earn unlimited rewards. Download the Paypal app to get started. Terms and exclusions apply. See paypal.com/rewardsterms. - Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to say you have three, three guests tonight. The rare triple threat fucking guest lineup. Two of them are two of the most used guests in the show's history. One of them is first time brand spanking new on panel because I think he's one of the funniest people on earth coming up the ranks. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Your three guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Ari Shaffir, Louis J. Gomez, and Peyton Ruddy. Oh my God, it's Ari Shaffir, the real deal, Louis J. Gomez. And introducing to the Kill Tony universe, Peyton Ruddy, everybody. Peyton Ruddy, everybody. It rhymes. - I legitimately need that hat back. It's all fun and games. I got that at Bodega. It's a, it's a, don't give it back. What are you doing? Keep it. He's a legend. Oh, come on. Oh my God. I understand you don't want to touch anything that has been on a Jew's head, but just throw it away. - He needs that hat so he can get through the tunnel quicker. It's aerodynamic. - It's got soda on it. - Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen, is here. My big brother. Everyone's big brother in this. The end is out now. He's back with a brand new story. Storytelling series. It's available at arishaffir.com. So many great comedians on it. I'm on it. - You're on it. - Shane Gillis is on it. Nate Bargatze. The list goes on and on. It's must-see TV available now at arishaffir.com. The end. Luis J. Gomez is back, everybody. The master and grand leader of the skank fest world. Skank fest tickets are available at skankfest.com. Might be sold out by the time this gets out. If they're not, make sure you fucking get them. It is the comedy, I'll be there. Red band, I'll be there. Everyone's there. It's a crazy, big, dirty, sweaty, fun festival. And Peyton Ruddy, everybody. It's his first time. Look how adorable this sweet boy is. - Speaking of dirty and sweaty and fun. - Hey, thanks for having me. - Yeah, we're happy to have you. His tour, my best work is at peytonruddylive.com for tickets. Go see him. This is the future right here. You're seeing him for the first time on "Kill Tony." Peyton Ruddy, everybody. Follow him on Instagram at peytonruddycomedy. That's R-U-D-D-Y. And we're gonna have so much fun. One more time, this episode is brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter. You guys know how it works. Over 200 innocent souls, some of them not innocent at all, some of them guilty of many crimes, signed up for tonight's show, "Anything Can Happen." - It's funny to do a ZipRecruiter thing with a bunch of guys who haven't had jobs in years. - It's true. We're gonna find out all about it. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. It means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm gonna let this guy that looks like if you put one of Donald Trump's sons in a microwave pull the first name. There you go, sir. There you go. Very exciting. Send it along. We go wrangle that person. And while we wrangle the first comedian, we're gonna have one of our great regulars do a brand new set. Sometimes, this guy does over a minute. He never calls out sick. He never misses a set. You're watching one of the-- one of the great comedians of the future grow in front of your very eyes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy that was once known as the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He's now known as the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Guys, what-- what happened to silly people? Like, everybody in this country just want to be upset, or the saddest, or the maddest. And I just want to be silly. And uncross your arms, niggas. Silly up. You see what I'm talking about? Why are you-- you ain't come here to have a good time. You laugh at the YouTube. What happened to the silly laughs that used to-- we used to have goofy-ass laughs at comedy niggas because-- Y'all don't even do that no more. Do y'all remember-- do y'all remember silly Jews? Do y'all remember when Jews were the silliest people in America? Larry David and Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman's fine ass. Y'all remember that? Just fucking Ari went into the wilderness for a year because he couldn't be silly anymore. And we just need to just let that out. I don't know why. It's just because I just wanted to say that so I could do this silly joke real fast that I wrote down, just to get y'all to mind set. Dating your ex is a lot like reheating French fries. All right. I'm going to do the next one. I-- sir, you ever been hit with the rocket ship effect? The rocket ship effect. You know what that is? That's when you see somebody that's attractive, and they're walking towards you, and you're like, oh, that's a 10, 9, 8, 7-- all right, y'all, that's my time, I love y'all. Damn, he's done it again. One minute, 22 seconds from Dedrick Flynn. Very funny. I love it. Hell yeah, Luis J. Gomez. Dedrick, always so funny. You're fucking hilarious, but you are dressed like a bumper sticker on a pickup truck in Texas. USA. Very patriotic. I just got here from Nigeria, and I was trying to pretend he's-- I love the Yankees. I hate your hat. Very pretty. Welcome, Dedrick. You got a little rabbit's foot over there? Yeah, some lady at the. Because we went to WrestleMania. After the show, she came up to me. She's like, this is for you. And then she didn't give anybody else one. So I just wanted to just. Oh, you got one too? Oh, shit. She didn't give it to us at the same time. You was back there breaking down the drum set. You didn't do it. Why you ain't wearing it? Why you got it in your pocket? Is this supposed to be in your pocket? All right, don't. I mean, wow. I mean, dude, I'm a big guy, but I've never clipped my dinner to my belt after I'm done eating. Ooh, I'm going to save some of this for later. Hey, Peyton, Ruddy has arrived. I love it. Them Buttons is fighting for their life, Peyton. I wouldn't. Oh, shit. You look like Mikey from Recess. Grown up, nigga. I would not do it. See, we're silly. We're friends. I know him. We're just. Yeah, well, your chain is too tight, buddy. That is too tight. What's going on over there? You've been doing bad workouts? I do a lot of push-ups. You wouldn't know nothing about this. I do a lot of push-ups when I'm at home because I want to feel like I'm back in jail so I can work harder. You do push-ups with your neck? Yeah. I love it. Double up the chain? Is it, like, go around twice? No, it's two steps. So stop counting the gold. How many runs are there? How many specific carries? How much would you give me for it on your New York strip market? Mazalito-ass-looking dick butt. It looks like the most expensive lynching ever. That's good. I like that a lot, man. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. You look like the top of a s'more with your graham cracker skin and that dumbass marshmallow hat on. Now I like you. Oh, you get pulled from there? Are you bald? Is that why you're wearing that? Yeah, there it is. Scared of being bald. Just let it go, bro. Dedrick, you got the show started yet again. Ladies and gentlemen, he used to do it every week. Not an easy job, but he did it again. The great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. And it has begun. To the bucket we go, everyone. This is where shit gets crazy. We're going to meet people all together. A lot of it's going to be their first time. Maybe it's someone who's been on before. Maybe they bombed last time they were on and they're here for redemption. Maybe they did good and this time it didn't go so good. Maybe they did good twice in a row. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Make some noise for your first bucket pool. It's Tom Frank. Everyone, here comes Tom Frank. That's right, Tom Frank. No relation, but I'm going to try and lock in right now like that great woman. My name is, I'm a gypsy. Yeah, that just means I have a hard time answering simple questions like where you're from, what you're doing here, and have you seen my dog? Yeah. My family's from Czechoslovakia. Yeah. Back then wasn't a good time to be Jewish, so it turns out gypsy is just a Jew that lost their dog. I don't have any documents. Still sucked. But a lot of people like to remind me, hey, that's not a country. Like, thanks for reminding me I don't have a home, right? Yeah. We should have been clever and named it something that would stick, like Israel. Then it would still be around and real today, right? But I'm a little suspicious, you know? I think, like, Greenland is an iceberg. Turkey, it's full of cats. And then whenever the immigrants come to the border, Hungary's like, sorry, we're full. But it was easy growing up with immigrant parents. Actually, they were clever, you know? They knew enough kids at school were calling me a fat retard. Why would they pay money for me to hear that from a professional? I used to be fat, but still stupid, so the school system's broken. But fat shaming works. All right, Tom Prank. How you doing, Tom? It's a good day to be alive. Okay. All right. How long. Is it, though? With you guys? Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Longer than I should be. You want to answer the question? Yeah, like six years on and off. Okay. Six years. And why do you look like an old-timey explorer? You look like you'd be standing at the front of a ship ready to take over some African country or something like that. I just got back from a festival, you know? What was the festival? Peak State. You know Brent Pella? Nope. Oh, yeah? What's that festival? He made a movie at a festival about a festival. It's pretty cool. Doesn't sound cool at all. How many people go to this festival? Like 500. Wow. That's pretty big. Is there music? What goes on at the festival? Yeah, all the fixings, you know? Cosplay and dancing and, I don't know, camping. Pretending homeless. Sounds like skank fest to me. Tom Frank, what do you do for a living? I'm a tour guide. Of what? What kind of tours are you giving? Go hiking. Do you give tours of the Boogie Nights set? I go to the nature, yeah. Go hiking in the parks. You give tours to nature? Of course, yeah, yeah. You get paid to give tours? Yeah. Tours to nature? Drive people around, walk them up and down. Where, where exactly? The national parks. It's a beautiful country. Payton. Are you making all this up on the spot right now? What the fuck are you talking about right now? Yeah, you know I drive people around and. I told you I'm a gypsy, right? It's not so easy to answer. What does that mean to you exactly? Hey, you're on the road. We're all gypsies. Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Exactly. All right, Tom, what's the most interesting thing about you? You're on a podcast right now. You're barely answering questions, honestly. Let's get to some meat and potatoes here. You got anything about you that you might find interesting? I speak a few languages. Like what? Czech, Slovakian. What, is that two languages? It counts, yeah. Why do you keep pronouncing it that way? Slovakia. Because we were the original slaves. No, the Aikia part. Slave-Aikia. Not Slave-Aikia. Slav part. Yeah, you know, classic white guy taking credit for slavery. All right. Okay. Tom, are you funnier in those languages? It's easier, you know, when they don't understand you and you just got a funny face, right? Like in Brazil, they don't understand so much English, but they love it when a gringo dances. Okay, Tom. He's got the vibe of his last tour to the woods was with Gabby Petito. Yeah. Yeah. And right before he killed her, he went, my wife. She's a dead. Tom Frank, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes, Tom Frank, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Have a warm one. How about, make some noise for Winston Marshall. I love a good banjo. Make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everybody. This is her live in the flesh. Feast your eyes on the real deal. Go to HeidiRegina.com. A lot of fun stuff going on over there. Isn't she the best? We got cigars. We got drinks. It's a party here. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Picture this. It's late at night. You're scrolling through your feeds when all of a sudden, you see me. See it. That one product you've been looking for. You click on the link, add to your cart. Maybe even shop around a little before finally hitting checkout as you're filling in your address. You realize you don't have your credit card anywhere near you. That's when you see it. The purple pay button that has all of your information saved. Making checking out as simple as a simple tap of your screen. Great ban. Tony, I love Shopify. It hits the best business tool and it's down. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online business. Online store that matches your brand style hands down for sure. Ooh, wait, that's right. Red band, get the word out. Like you have a marketing team behind you easily create email and social media campaigns, wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling and best yet. Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise and everything from managing inventory to international shipping, to processing returns and beyond see less carts go abandoned and more sales go. With Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com/kill Tony. Go to shopify.com/kill Tony. That's shopify.com/kill Tony shopify.com/kill Tony shopify.com/kill. Shopify.com/kill Tony. That's right. Go to shopify.com/kill Tony right now. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by talk space. May is mental health awareness month and talk space. The leading provider of online therapy wants you to strengthen your relationships and know that are carrying licensed therapist can help. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours. Talkspace makes getting help convenient. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and exchange text, voice, or video messages with your therapist too. Talkspace makes it easy, accessible, and affordable to face your challenges, whether that's a mental health condition, relationship conflicts, past trauma, or everyday stress, as you find so many people out of this bucket have. You can find your path to move forward with resilience and peace. Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay. Now, here's my man, Red Band, to tell you more about why he loves Talkspace. Thanks, bro. Tony, I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there you can find. Therapy has helped me transform. Hey. Whoa. Wow. I can't see. In so many meaningful ways, Tony. It has helped you transform in so many meaningful ways. I mean, you lost six pounds just this month eating sandwiches alone. That's beautiful, Red Band. Take care of yourself this month and every month with Talkspace. Talkspace is in network with most major insurance plans, but if you pay out of pocket, as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80, that's S-P-A-C-E-80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, everybody. Looks like a new name to me. It's Chris Gerasimo, everyone. Thank you. You nailed my last name, Gerasimo. Sounds like I'm a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, I have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. How funny that joke is really depends on where you're sitting. This guy had the perfect view over here. Careful, this is a splash zone. But it's a Greek name. You know, my people invented both democracy and anal. Welcome, Tony. But it's a stereotype because in ancient Greece, the Spartans actually had gay sex to help the army's team chemistry. That's pretty crazy, right? To think that fucking your boys makes you fight better. How did they find that out? And how embarrassing was it? And they realized there's like no correlation between anal to boys being better soldiers. Who's gay? I don't know. All right, Chris Gerasimo, ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Welcome. Good set. You got your cheap Tony is gay joke in there. No, it's fine. Made Lewis laugh really hard, this giant fucking seven-year-old retard. For no reason whatsoever. It's a loophole in the show, according to you guys, where you just go, "Hey, Tony loves anal and everybody laughs. So fun. How exciting." Instead of it being a real show about stand-up comedy, there's just a blatant loophole, and you just let people get away with it. You loved it too. I saw your Adam's apple get three sizes bigger with it. You fucking freak. Welcome, Chris. How are you? What is Gerasimo? Is that Italian? What is that? It's Greek. Greek. Yeah, it was the whole minute. Oh, perfect. I mean, Tony, why don't you pay attention? He was seething off that gay joke, and he was like, yes, serious. I couldn't hear anything before or after. Yes, serious. Yes, serious. Tony, your neck looks like you tried to make a meme of yourself in ChatGBT. He's Chris, by the way. I'm Tony. I'm Tony. Oh, yep. That'll hold the joke back for sure. Chris, it looks like you're always gulping. Chris, how long you been doing stand-up? Three years now. Where at? I'm from Windsor, Canada, but I live in Toronto now. Ooh, big upgrade there. How's Toronto treating you? It's fun. I got the Kill Tony boys. You got Jared and Kansai. Those are your homies? You do shows with them a lot? You get a lot of Kansai's ramen? Actually, my mom met Kansai because she stayed at my place. She bowed and my immigrant mom said, "Get up!" and laughed at him. I thought that was pretty racist, but. Chris, what do you do for a living? I work for a non-profit that has career days in high schools. So I travel around running career days. Most of the Kill Tony open micers work for a non-profit. Yeah, I get bullied by high schoolers all the time. It's great. What do they say about you? There was this Asian chick that was really mean to me one time. I just said hi to her and she said, "You seem toxic as fuck." Wow. And I bet your ex was right about you. Damn. Yeah. Amazing. Fuck that girl. Okay, Chris, so three years in stand-up. You're in Toronto. How often do you get to make it to America? I used to live in Windsor, so I used to go over to Detroit a lot. But not much anymore. You guys are far and you hate us. Yeah, that makes sense. Chris, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? What are some things that you do? You collect Pokemons or something? No. Okay. Good answer. I don't know, I guess I used to fight. I used to kickbox a little bit. Oh, wow. Like professionally? No, just hand me. What else? Just kickbox? Is that your thing? Just hang out with my girl, my mom, my roommate. At the same time? What do you and your girl do together? Long walks on the beach, typical stuff. The old Toronto beaches. No, no, she's real. I promise she's real. I got two fucking serial killers in a row. Hang out with my mom. I'm boring. Is your mom a dead body in your attic? I change her outfit every day. Lewis, that's your mom. Oh, he got you. Oh, he got you. Oh, he got you. So what are you, like, German or something? He's Greek. What you paying attention? All right. Chris, come on, give us something crazy about your life. There's got to be something. You ever have a near-death experience? No, not after the show, you motherfucker. Talk about my mom again. I'll kickbox your ass back to Canada, you piece of shit. Me? No, I've never almost died. You ever saved anyone's life? I almost saved someone's life. Tell us about that. They died? Yeah. What happened? Well, it's going to get a little sad, but my dad died, like, two years ago, like, in front of me. Wow. How did your dad die? He had a heart attack. Wow. And I hopped in, did CPR, and no mouth-to-mouth. Like, don't worry. Yeah. He's not Tom Brady or anything. Got it. But you did do mouth-to-mouth? No, no, no. Did you do chest compressions? Chest compressions, yeah. Did you do mouth-to-cock? How long did you do chest compressions for? When the paramedics arrived? Yeah. Canadian paramedics? Yeah. So they were, like, real wacky? Yeah. Chest compressions on his belly button or something. Showed up on a horseback. Oh, he just needs some maple syrup. I'm sorry, we lost him, we lost him. I'm sorry. Oh, my goodness. How long ago was this? Two years next month. This is gonna sound insensitive. When you were doing the chest compression, was there a second where his eye just kind of. Just did that move thing where you thought you had saved him and then realized. No? No, no. That was it. Sorry, Ari. Do you have to wear two scarves? Good question. Great question. Do you have to wear two scarves on those cold Canadian days? I'm anti-scarf, anti-turtleneck. Those two products have discriminated against my neck size. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Peyton, anything else for this guy? I see you eyeballing. I mean, I don't think so. I like your vibe. I had nothing mean to say to you. Yeah, you have a good energy, Chris. You're a good guy. I like Greek. Here's a big joke book. We'll keep it moving along. Chris Gerasimo, everybody. Oh, this is an interesting name that got pulled out of the bucket. This guy is a very compelling character in the history of Kill Tony. I think he's been on twice before. Very much accused of stealing the style of Mitch Hedberg. But, you know, it's kind of a bizarre story. He's in a bizarre situation because, yes, but he's also kind of like that. But also not. But kind of is. is a really great joke writer. I will say that. So let's see what he does tonight. Make some noise for the return of Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Hey. A guy stole my wallet. He was like, ha-ha, I have your wallet. I was like, ha-ha, you have 8K of credit card debt. Start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito, it's free. Queso, it's extra. So I'll take it in English. Just. I can't afford a bilingual burrito. Just make it in a language that's cost-effective. Hey, my sister is vegan. On Thanksgiving, she eats alone. Hey, I saw a sign, it said, in case of fire, use stairs. Fuck that. Let's use water. Let's use water. Keegan Carmichael. Looks like Mitch, sounds like Mitch, writes like Mitch. But, I mean, Mitch ain't alive. And here you are. Mitch is dead, and here you are. So if it's the ghost of Mitch, I'll fucking take it. People will complain about it, but God damn it, you're doing it. And that's crazy. But I think you should just go buy the ghost of Mitch Hedberg. But I don't know. What do I know? The whole thing's very compelling to me. Because you are your own person, and you do sound and look like that, right? So these are not Mitch Hedberg jokes? Not ones that he did, I don't believe. Right? No. But it is in the style. And he looks like that. And he sounds like that. It's very bizarre. I think I was here your first time. And I think last time you were like, I've never heard of Mitch Hedberg. No, I actually never said that. But then the internet just ran with it. So whatever. Yeah. That's exactly what Mitch Hedberg would say. I will tell you that my favorite part of that is when you do that queso and cheese joke. Michael Gonzalez just goes. You did that queso and cheese joke and Peyton almost came. It is an anomaly. You find these great premises. I mean, the credit card debt, you know, whatever. That's kind of a. But you're warming up there. You're just starting. But other than that, everything after that, very funny, very interesting angles and premises. You have a real knack for it. How much time, out of my own genuine curiosity, do you think you have of jokes like that all put together? If you had to do the longest set possible. Oh, I've done an hour. Yeah. Wow. I have 1,500 jokes, but I had an epiphany two nights ago. So I got to rewrite them all. Yeah. Take us through this epiphany. Take us through it step by step. What happened exactly? I was high. Yeah. We know that. There's no doubt about that. We knew that part, Keegan. Where were you? How does it happen? What did you think? What was the epiphany? Oh, I can't give that away. I can't give that away. Come on. Yeah, you can. Come on. You're on the show. Come on. I just watched the question. South Park and Jordan Peele. No. OK. Care to elaborate? Yeah. Can you give us some more? The ghost pivot. OK. Can you keep going? Absolutely not. I have to gatekeep the ghost pivot. OK. Let's check in with Peyton. I'd like to return to this free queso idea you were talking about. How exactly does this work? You got to tell them. They ask you if you want queso. You just say, I don't need the translation. I don't need the translation. - That's funny, dude. I know the Mitch Hedberg thing. I can tell it kind of bothers you that people compare you to Mitch Hedberg so much. So, yeah, I mean, I get it. Have you thought about maybe moving away from it and working on trying to differentiate yourself a little? 'Cause I'm all bullshit aside, dude, your set was fucking brilliant. Like, really, really, really smart jokes. - I'm just trying to shit, shower, and shave, dude. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Somehow we missed all three today. I don't know. - Dayton Ruddy, I'm telling you, this is the future. As long as that heart holds up, he's gonna be. - You know what, Tony? You are gay. - I like it when you say it. - You should call your new tour the 2026 and then we'll see tour. - You're gonna have a heart attack and Chris is gonna come out here and fail saving your life. - Hey, guys, lay off! - So, Keegan, I do find it so compelling that I am gonna get back into this line of questioning that I'd imagine you hate. But again, it's so interesting and people, you know, maybe I'm playing devil's advocate here, but have you thought, because of what everyone will think every time they see you, of maybe, let's just say, cutting your hair and changing your delivery or something like that, have you thought about it? Can you take us through the process of being exactly like Mitch Hedberg? - Well, you said delivery, and Peyton's like, "Oh, it's about to come again." - Yeah. - You know, nobody with nice hair ever tells me to cut it. - Okay, sure, but seriously, seriously, Keegan, back to the question. I hear you, that's a good answer. But I'm not saying to cut it. I'm saying, have you thought about getting away from the Mitch Hedberg thing? - Oh, I just like to write jokes, man. - I understand. - Try that joke, try one of those jokes in like a different style. - Yeah, throw the N-word in there. - I can't do. I can't do that translation. - I'm telling you, he's a funny guy. - And you're right, Tony, I've seen interviews with you and you don't act as Mitchie. You act kind of more normal. So it's kind of weird to me that you don't understand that it would be way better for your career if you do that. - Why would I do something that makes people stop talking about me? - Ooh, interesting. Wow. Okay, I like this. - That's why I said throw the N-word in there. - Yeah. - I'm trying to help you. - All right. Well, Keegan, I gotta tell you, great jokes, man. You are your own kind of thing, even though you're exactly like something else. But you are your own thing. It is something else. There's just no way to describe it. And if I just hated on it all the time, that would just be annoying. It would be dismissive of the fact that you have great premises and great jokes and a whole thing going on for you, Keegan. - You know what? I would like to have you on "The Secret Show" if you want. - Look at that. What a turnaround. Thank you for looking up for Keegan Carmichael. You have a big joke book already? Yep, thank you. There you go. - Thank you. - There he goes, Keegan Carmichael. - Dreams do come true. - This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. You know, I hired someone recently who was not only qualified, but also genuinely interested in the open role. And that really influenced my decision to hire them. They were eager to learn more about the job, and their excitement about the role made them stand out. If you're hiring, you want a candidate who's passionate about your role, but you can't get that insight from a resume. - Unless you post your job on ZipRecruiter, and now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com/KillTony, right there. - Whoa, Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. It's the best hiring site, hands down. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly. And ZipRecruiter has a new feature that shows you the most interested qualified candidates first, so you meet the right people faster. - That's right. Candidates can tell you in their own words why they're interested in your job. No wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rated hiring site, based on G2. So find candidates who really want your job on ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. So try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com/KillTony. That's ZipRecruiter.com/KillTony. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. This podcast is sponsored by Superpower. You know, recently I left a doctor's appointment feeling like I got nothing useful. My doctor essentially just said, "You're fine," and told me to drink more water. That's why I'm fascinated by what Superpower is doing. Superpower sends a licensed professional to your home, or you can visit a nearby lab. It's one simple blood draw with over 100 biomarkers, which is way more than what you usually get. Their app includes detailed information on your heart, liver, thyroid, hormones, metabolism, vitamin, and mineral levels, and even environmental toxins. So from disease prevention to treating that annoying brain fog or simply optimizing your gym game, SuperPower is the most comprehensive and advanced system out there. I'm going to let Red Band tell you all about it. Thanks, Tony. I think SuperPower is doing some amazing things in the health space. SuperPower gives actionable health plans. That's not affordable. It's super affordable. Whoa. Supplement recommendations. They got it. And prescription suggestions like peptides, lifestyle, and behavioral adjustments. And you can even get your true biological age that you can track over time. Stop only reacting to health problems and start proactively improving your health based on real personalized data. Other testing services can charge up to $500, $1,000, sometimes more for similar or less. So make this the year you stop guessing about your health with SuperPower. For a limited time, our listeners get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. Head over to SuperPower.com and use code Tony for $20 off your membership. That's code Tony. After you sign up, they'll ask you how you heard about SuperPower. Do us a favor and tell them Tony sent you to support the show. That's right. Go get SuperPower. All right. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun? I'm having fun. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Adam Malave, everyone. Adam Malave. I'm born in 2001. It was a great year for me. Not so great for lower Manhattan. All right. We're going to have a little bit of time to think about the past. Growing up in school, we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9-11-2001. So every year, we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day, and the class would get real quiet. And then the teacher would break in. Boys and girls, on this day, we must remember that Francesco's mom brought cupcakes. Oh, my gosh. Are those chocolate frosted? Because this is a day where we're going to have a lot of fun. It's a day I will never forget. We actually had a twin in the class, too, Francesca. The teacher would tell us, boys and girls, I just got word from the office that a second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. A second tray of cupcakes has hit our classroom. It's really crazy, because there was another 9-11 birthday in our school across the hall from us. There was another 9-11 birthday. A third tray of cupcakes hit over there. Really crazy. Is that classroom? Hold on, go ahead. Now, I want to hear the end of it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. That classroom was pentagon-shaped, and there was supposed to be a fourth tray, but that one fell in the hallway on the way to the class. Okay, there you go. Adam Aleve, everybody. An entire minute, 15 seconds, about the greatest tragedy in American history, everybody. We thought it was Francesca's mom that brought in those cupcakes, but it wasn't. It was the Jews. Yeah. The whole time, it was the Jews. You'd be surprised. It's interesting, because on the original 9-11, that's how we also celebrated it. They had cupcakes ready. How did they have their cupcakes ready? Check in with Peyton Rodney down here. There was no gelatin. Is it just me? Does this guy not look and sound exactly like Mitch Hedberg to you? Am I tweaking over here? He looks a little. I got heroin on the back, too, if you want. I love it. Yeah. Adam Aleve, why does it sound like you have the other guy's Adam's apple stuck in your throat? You have a little RFK Jr. to you. What's up with your delivery? I don't know. I've never felt too RFK-y, you know? Really? No one's ever brought this to your attention before? Someone told me I sound a little like McLovin, but I've never heard RFK before. Am I the only one hearing the fact that he sounds like. Yeah. You got it. Maybe I'm a little raspy today. Sorry about that. You under the weather or something? No, no, no. Not at all. Oh, okay. Yeah, you clocked me as Jewish, so good job there. Are you Jewish? I am. I saw it right away. What did I say to you? Come on. He did. He walked out and already leaned over. He goes, yeah, he's one of mine. Yeah. Yeah. I play for the team. Yeah. Yeah. Proudly. All right. Okay, Adam. Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. Where at? From New York. Right. I took the train here, actually. Okay. Very, very. It took three days, two nights to get here. I took Amtrak. You know, in Japan, they got high-speed rail. I feel like in America, we have the opposite. And I feel like they try to, like, make the train slower on purpose. You know, like the conductors, they take smoke breaks at stations they like. You're turning more into RFK as we speak. Have you guys ever taken the Amtrak? I mean, what is with those things? I'm getting 420, boys. Smoke breaks are too long. I'm gonna go to the snack cart. I'll be right back. Adam, what do you do for a living? Uh, right now, well, I used to do financial consulting, but. No. No way. You, a Jew, in New York? Finances? Come on. No. On the train? No. No, no. I actually started the open mic website in New York called Comedic. I have stickers for you guys, if you'd like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, speak for yourself. I'm trying to build a career. I'll be right back. Oh, Ari's gonna resell the sticker. Please, sticker. Peter. Ari's going to resell the sticker. He's going to resell the stickers. Peyton thinks they're Puck stickers. Hey, maybe you haven't seen my pockets. I'll give you after. You fucking tease. I'm sorry. Wait, what do I. I got something on. Okay, relax. No one cares about your fucking gay stickers. Let's keep it on the open. I got a Kiwi. Wow. It just blows up. They didn't check the hoodie pocket. That's the one pocket they didn't check. Put it away. I'm the only fruit on this stage. Let's go. There you go. I can do it to myself. You guys eat it up. Fucking hell. Fucking homos. All right. Adam, tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you that would surprise us. Yeah. I mean, I do stand-up all over New York. I have a weekly show in Brooklyn. I started the open mic website. Again, you already said that. Okay. That's so fucking annoying that you just keep saying that you keep. Open mic. No one gives a fuck about an open mic website in New York. That's fair. Can you say anything other than an open mic website in New York? Yeah. I'm about to have my 69th body party. What? My 69th body party. What is that? To celebrate my 69th body. Can you explain that more? I can't believe I have to say it. You've had sex with 69 men. I don't believe it. No, other way. No, but yeah, 69th body party. I'm very excited. Going to be at the Brooklyn Art House May 23rd. You guys are all invited. Come by. Are you for real? Yeah. You're celebrating almost 70 people you've had sex with? Yeah. I'm at 70 now, but yeah. Okay. All right. And 15 of them are going to show up, so it's going to be nice. Okay. Wow. So, Adam, tell us about that. What are your tricks to, how do you trick these women? I mean, I'm a very, like, enthusiastic, positive person, and I listen sometimes. I swallowed a diamond ring earlier. You think you can get it out for me? Are you, I'm just looking at your eyes. Are you part Asian or part newt? No, no, no. Not at all. People say I look like a young Mark Zuckerberg, or like a Gen Z Elon Musk. But then, you know, other people think I just look like a bisexual oasian. So, I don't know if that's right. I think you look like Mitch Hedberg. I think. You got the Berg part right? That's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Take that. Okay. Adam Malave from New York. Have you ever seen Adam before? You're a big New Yorker. I've never seen him, and I hope I never do again. It's the last time I will ever hear this name. No, you're a funny dude. I can tell you got chops. You're a funny dude. Thank you. I really can't believe it. I really can't believe that 70 women have. You're only 20, you're 24 years old. 24, yeah. First of all, I wouldn't let you near my finances. You're a child. Second of all, I can't believe that in just 24 years you've been able to bed 70 women. That's crazy. I have a question. I have a financial question. Yeah. How much does a 70 pack of GHB cost? It took a second. I didn't realize what GHB was for a sec, but I don't know. It's what you put inside of the kiwi that you keep inside of your pocket. That would be cute. All right, Adam. Can I trade you a kiwi for the joke book? No, I don't want your fucking kiwi. No? Here's the joke book, though. There you go. Take it. Woo! There he goes, Adam Aleve, everyone. Thanks, dude. I'm going to keep it moving here. Bye. There he goes, Adam Aleve. There he goes. All right. A little fist bump from the fellow Jew. There it is. When they see each other out in the wild. Woo! How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Clearing, saging the room of all those Jewy 9-11 jokes we just heard. All right. This looks like a fun name. Put your hands together for your next bucket pool. It's Royal Oats. Royal Oats. Yeah, I don't know if you could tell, about looking at me and the cleavage that I'm showing right now. but it's a lot of muscle up under here right and you know the first thing they say about people when they got muscles right is they on steroids and i don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool right i have a problem what they say about people on steroids right like this one chick tried to come at me and she was like i know you're addicted shriveled up to this small because all the steroids you use and i had to correct her right i was like first of all bitch um it's not your dick they say it's your balls right and i've never had sex with a woman when she could i've never had sex with a woman and she get on the phone with her home girl the next day and she's like hello she's like hello she said hey bitch what you doing nothing what you doing nothing did you fuck royal she said and did she how was the dick she said the dick was good but she said uh-uh but what bitch she said bitch he had small balls right i'm talking about ball so small you could have went to vegas and shot dice with the motherfuckers okay right she said here i am being all right was there more there royal oats let me finish it i'll let you finish it all right i'm sorry royal sorry royal let me finish your honor please let me sorry you're on her you giant black man finish the joke let me finish it she said she said here i am being a freaky bitch trying to get tea bag and this nigga brought salt and pepper packages that's the end okay there you go royal thank you man hell yeah welcome welcome appreciate it i love it first of all congratulations on beating brock lesnar at wrestlemania second of all welcome how long you've been doing stand-up i've been doing it for 10 years man where at atlanta or florida i'm from tulsa oklahoma oh wow i would not i'm the only nigga here i was gonna say you see him now exactly what i was going to say what tony yes i was gonna use those exact words you go ahead tell me whatever you want i want to tell another joke you know what i'm gonna let you do it spotlight give him the spot you know give me the goddamn spotlight listen white people i love holidays man i really do my favorite holiday would have to be no doubt saint patty's day you get to run around wearing green pinching people on the ass and saying irish shit like conor mcgregor conor mcgregor you know lucky me charms i don't know i'm fucking racist right my second favorite holiday would have to be no doubt single dumayo right that's when mexicans get together sell cocaine and kill each other trust me i've seen four seasons of the narcos i know exactly how this shit works the problem i have with holidays is black people don't have any cool holidays right you know when you think about black holidays what do we have martin luther king day and what is martin luther king day a bunch of niggas running around the cold with sweaters on with martin luther king face on it y'all white people don't even show up for that shit right and then when you think about black holidays what do we have in our other holidays juneteenth like my man if i was to ask you what juneteenth what would you say niggas that's the day they free the slaves all you know is the bank is closed okay so i have a suggestion right i have a tattoo to suggest a holiday that i think that black people would love okay right let me show y'all right now oj day right is this not fucking kill tony or what oh shit could you imagine that shit niggas running around with knives scurrying white bitches half to death i'm here kill tony all right you're here you're here i got a lot of notes i don't think it's okay to pinch people on the ass on saint patty's day i'm pretty sure you're committing i think that's the rule ain't it where the irish people at you piece them on the ass they don't have green on that's the fucking rule that's a dumb ass italian you don't do it in the ass though you just pinch them can i have my wallet back all right royal royal royal please don't take anything out of the wallet please the nigga ain't got no money in there anyway it's tied up it's a fake robbery it's it's in savings he has he's fully invested in chipotle all right royal you just interrupt whatever you want perfect let me pick my jacket up yes okay all right royal if i gave you two hundred dollars would you be willing to fuck my girlfriend in front of me you you you this is amazing so let's talk about the oj tattoo yeah because that really there too it's the knife the bronco i brought it all together he really does have the glove the bronco i don't know if you're in on that i don't know if that camera one can zoom or what we can possibly do but it might be truly the most diabolical tattoo i've ever seen in my 41 years on planet earth again all we're looking at all we're applauding is the tattoo the body is just okay but i'm sure you work hard at it trust me i know i stare at black muscular men all day but i'm not here if you're wondering what i'm doing you should come kiss oj huh tony kiss oj okay royal this is your first time kissing a black guy right chill the fuck out i'm taking back over here how long you been doing stand-up ten years ten years what do you do for work exactly um i mostly try to post my dick on only fans hoping a bunch of gay dudes subscribe uh-huh but how do you make money i do uber i do uber okay yeah uh have you ever thought about combining those two things uber on the something there i like that you say you do but from the looks of you it looks like you do lift yeah i love the lift man very good i love the lift positive positive joke i won't be hanging there you go all right so you do uber and uber eats do you do all the ubers just uber what kind of car do you have what are you picking people up and i got it i got one of those electronic ubers i was gonna guess you're a piggyback uber driver they're all different types now you order an uber and they give you a piggyback ride okie dokie uh you know what they say tony if the joke doesn't hit you must acquit that's what they say that's true if i had a wallet i'll give it to you for that one all right royal oats uh an incredible uh you took a real stab at it here tonight um what else would surprise us about your life royal everything everything about my life is crazy what kind of women are you into how big of white women are you into except size depends on the woman you know if we put a wig on peyton right now how hard i can get a bad bitch uh-huh i can still get a bad bitch i got a little love left in me right but what do you settle for is what i want to know i don't know man it's depending on what time of night it is that's right you know i like that hell yeah uh if i had one critique of your act it's just like uh the the premise of the of the that having small balls is bad i didn't care for it i think having small balls is some of the most powerful things you could have would you rather suck big ones no but i'd rather have big ones and aria's huge balls big balls only get in the way of big dick crazy balls it sounds like extra work for a woman i can't believe i'm about to say this but enough talk about balls and dick up here uh how many times have you been pulled over in tulsa oklahoma oh my god 183 times when they pull you over do they go i thought we got them all yeah this tattoo this tattoo is actually you handing the cups your license does it really happen a lot kick your ass for that no does it really happen a lot you get pulled over a lot in tulsa not as much as i used to when i was younger right yeah have you been arrested before of course of course for what well at one point in my life i was doing life without in prison well tell us more about this so i got life without for uh drug trafficking um case and um the police end up being like a dirty cop um so the shit ended up going back to trial and they ended up giving me a plea deal that i took and i was able to get out of prison again wow did you really commit the crime or yeah i was definitely selling you got me they got me down i'd like to see it dude life without life without parole that was some crazy well they offered me life and they was like either you take the life and do like 15 years or we take it to trial like you know like if i'm gonna waste 15 years i might as well just take it to trial and it worked out in my behalf by taking it yeah you saw the oj trial he was like i got this they're gonna be on my side you know you're in the criminal justice system when you shorten it to life without yeah straight up i was meant to be here yeah i was meant to be here man amazing so when you how long were you in there when you got word that the prosecutor was dirty i knew all the um not the prosecutor end up being it was a dirty cop sure oh that's what i sure so i knew all the time that he was a dirty cop right but it was like three years before they actually took him to trial oh amazing peyton ruddy white man great today gotta be great i had nothing on that royal oats i mean the set was just okay but i love your interview uh you want to do more so i'm just kidding i'm not giving you i want you to know like um i don't know if you ever seen me like i was viral um on the internet for i had a fight at a comedy show where um a dude ended up getting i ended up hitting the dude with a microphone oh shit yeah like like it was like really crazy man big fight wow you hit a comic with a microphone no i hit a fan i hit like a crowd guy he came up to the stage what exactly you can look it up it's like i believe it we're not gonna look it up right now what can describe it you have a microphone you're a professional i had a microphone and i'm telling jokes right and i hear a guy booing right so i look in the i look out on the stage like okay well you're booing i can roast right so when i look at him i'm like oh you look like jaheim 2001 put that woman first outfit on right so i think he's going to come back with another roast he was like nigga you gay and i was like it sucks doesn't it when that happens and the crowd fucking goes crazy it's a it's a loophole in the system and i'm sick of it that happens to you too did it did you know what you and i should have dinner and talk about this get out of your royal oats great appearance great interview great tattoo we love his tattoo it's a great tattoo very funny all right this is a fucking hoot nanny of a show i love it my goodness gracious every time heidi leans over our ari he gets a full two and a half inches erect you son of a bitch you know i did though you know i did though all right one word name your next bucket pool our first one word name of the night always interesting these one word names make some noise for sir jan everybody sir jan so my name is surgeon i don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me but my parents are brown immigrants and my mom she wanted me to be a doctor so bad she named me surgeon it's fucked up i know so much pressure imagine being named after a job but my name is kind of cool my siblings they got it so much worse my older brother his name is engineer yeah and he grew up to be an engineer because he's a sucker but my little sister she has the worst name i feel so bad for her they didn't really believe in her that much so they named her abortion um just to get real for a second i don't know if you guys are still doing your new year's resolution but as of today i'm officially four months sober thank you thank you it's been four months since i last said the n-word yeah staying strong staying strong and for my last joke i need you guys to play along with me you know how this goes knock knock my cat leo oh i was i was hoping i was at a minute but i didn't get it wow i i sped through it i sped through it oh there you go we were close though what's up leo i mean chicken with peyton ready that's okay i think that was a mitch hedberg joke anyway i think you did i think my cat leo he was in the difference between like royal oats who's like a real man and how much he came through the microphone and every other comic tonight i was like yeah it's been four months since you said the n-word but be honest when royal oats just walked off by you with his jacket completely unzipped you definitely thought about it am i right after you walked away right yeah exactly you don't want him reading your mind yeah yeah i'm staying sober yeah sir john how uh much time did you prepare your eyebrows for tonight 25 years okay is that how old you are yes sir 25 how long have you been doing stand-up two and a half years where at dallas that's where you live that's where you were born and raised i was born in nepal but i came to america when i was six years old well that set wasn't appalling hell yeah damn sorry i thought i thought it was good i thought i thought someone would like it i'm sorry i will say dude if that cat thing hit it would have been a standing ovation in here i i that would have been the most brilliant moment in kill tony history but it was eight times of us staring at you how are you planning on timing that the guessing what 60 full seconds is while you're talking it's a lunatic move there's no way you'd get that i've done it many times at comedy clubs in dallas there's 100 videos on my phone exactly a minute i think i was i thought he's and they have a cat sound at this comedy club um i do it you've practiced that a hundred times and after 96 times on your phone you're like i need more videos i have i have two terabytes storage so like i can just keep recording but yeah wow bragger i love how you were like all right i love how you're like all right how can i land this plane a knock knock joke yeah i i it's one of the most traditional forms of jokes and i love jokes and yeah back in 1932 maybe you explaining to us a knock knock joke right now well it's one of the oldest forms of joy why did the chicken cross the road to get the fuck away from your scent okay it crossed the road to get to his cat my cat would eat up that chicken do you really have a cat named leo okay so surgeon uh what type of brown are you exactly i'm from nepal so you are nepalese nepalese exactly uh both parents are both parents what made them move to dallas so we got the diversity lottery shout out to my mom the diversity lottery yeah what wow they were white until then so so it's like a power ball or something i think it was reagan or carter they had this policy where 50 000 people from around the world nepal was selected around that time talk slower and into the tip of the microphone sorry the other thing what is going on over there right now yes okay so my my mom won the lottery in 2006 when there was a civil war happening in nepal and then luckily i was from a village literally grew up like taking a shower the same river that my grandfather did and taking a shower in the same river like as kids we had like a little like pump pump thingy but like we didn't just jump in i mean it was like for fun and stuff as a kid oh yes yeah there you go yes welcome back very rare for a jew to help a brown guy in any way my favorite jew that's right sir john go ahead see we're showering in a river with a water pump this is incredible so that's how by the way that's how peyton gets uh sputter on his uh toast in the morning all right that sucked hey why did the chicken cross the road to get into your rotisserie you ruined my setup sir john go ahead so yeah i was born in a village like literally in gitanaga village um and then i came to america when i was six years old i brought a car and a plane within the first time within the same week right um i came to america in dallas texas i lived in irving and now i live in euless um but i mean my first job was water burger i feel like i'm a texan even though i'm an immigrant right i feel like america like immigrant is land of immigrants and i feel like i'm very texan even though i was born this audience hates this they're like fuck you dude am i am i building momentum we're building what lewis refuses to let anything build he's from the legion of skanks where they interrupt each other every five seconds for no fucking reason can i take my jacket doesn't make any sense can i take my jacket off you want to take your job what are you gonna sweat what are you no i don't sweat i actually tell me you have an oj tattoo for the love of god no no no no no i i got a 9-11 tattoo 100 okay go ahead whatever you're doing go ahead okay the arms are less hairy than anybody would have expected my chest i have the hair on my chest oh there it is yeah jesus fucking christ yeah wait now that you got the jacket off you're feeling yourself a bit do the knock knock joke again could i can i just come back out we cut this i'm just kidding i'm just kidding so you said your first job was at whataburger what exactly is your job now um i work as a solutions architect for an it company so i just help find customers find problems to technical like find solutions technical problems yes ari shafir that's such a build up from water burger to that i mean this is why people i've had a lot of jobs like i always work i grew up um like you know wanting money so i always worked and um i started my way up and you know i'm i'm i mean hopefully one day i can be a worker i can work here where exactly like right you want to fix the neons or something what are you pointing at i can find a solution for that too if you need but i want to be on this stage i've never done comedy in front of this many people it's amazing - Good for you, dude. That's awesome. - You're doing it. - On 420, and I came today, I signed up, this is my 15th time signing up. I signed up once a month, every month, last year. And I kind of like stopped coming this year, but it was 420 on a Monday. I was like, my driver license has a 420 on it. I gotta come. - What has a 420 on it? - My driver license starts with 420 and ends with 69. So I think I'm born to be a comedian. I swear to God, I'll bring it out. I swear to all my Hindu gods, I'll bring it out. Yeah. - I like your style, man. You're so genuine and you're kind of like a sweet boy. It's incredible. - I am, I am. - Right? It's like, you know, I'm just happy to have the opportunity. I started at a Whataburger, worked my way up. I took a car and a train or whatever to get here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's kind of like you, Tony, if he's brown, but had no confidence. - Yeah. - Amazing. Sir John, what's your love life like? - Um, I've been- - Do your parents only allow you to date Nepalese girls? - They did. - Who have you been promised to? - They thought they wanted that. And then, I mean, I started dating this girl in high school, my girlfriend, high school sweetheart. We've been dating for eight years. - Wow. - So we've been still together and my parents love her more than me probably. - It's a white girl? - No, she's Indian. So like, I just went south the border. I was like close enough. - That's as close as it'll get up in Dallas. - Yeah, I mean, Nepalese girls are probably all my cousins anyways. I was like, let me get a little bit less incest going, you know? - Yeah, amazing. - I want to know what that sex smells like. - It smells great. - Nepalese and Indian sex? - Indian sex? - Oh my God, I can't even imagine. - If you want to join us, like, yeah. - Now, what are your, what are your? Good job, Redman, very good. - That was good. - That is correct. What do your parents think about you doing standup comedy? - Um, they were iffy about it and they were like, I mean, like, you have like, good job. Why are you going out Wednesday at 10:00 a.m., 10:00 p.m. to go to do an open mic? But I mean, they support it. They think it's like a, they don't really understand what it is and they don't understand like what I really want. Like, like, like this dream that I have, but one day they'll understand and I'll show them. - But in the beginning, it was rough and now you're. - Even still today, my mom's like, why are you driving? I live in Dallas, I drove here. So why are you driving in the rain? But I mean, now she's going to see in three weeks, I'm going to be on Kill Tony. - She's going to see, you're so deep into it. So deep is also the name of your boyfriend. Your brother. - My brother's name is Nurgin. - And he's actually, my brother's name is Nurgin. I'm Surgeon. - He's Lurgin and you're Surgeon? - Nurgin. - What is your mom, Dr. Seuss? - He actually is a doctor. - Yeah, it's one fish, two fish, brown fish, brown fish. You know. - I love fish. - Surgeon, keep doing the work, man. Work hard. Dallas has a lot of places you can get up, go to all the clubs, keep working. Do it. Chase your dreams, buddy. - I'll be back. - Yup, there you go. - Thank you Austin. Happy 420th. Have a great show. - He's such a positive guy. - Yeah, he really is. - Good job, buddy. - Especially for one of the brown people. You know what I mean? It's like the nicest terrorist we've ever had on this show. Speaking of immigrants that are living their dreams, this guy won a golden ticket a couple months ago. He is very funny. And we're gonna see him right now. Ladies and gentlemen, this is The Return, the third ever appearance, I do believe, of Orhun Tamor, everybody. Here he comes. - This comedy bit is gonna lose its potency after a black guy, but I love fat girls so much. I fucking love them. And you guys are looking at me like, is it the blowjobs? No. It's the love. I'm 33 years old. I am fine being the pretty girl in the relationship at this point. Like I, nothing, well actually, I've dated someone whose boyfriend before me killed himself. That's the best. Okay, I'm not saying go find a girl and depress her boyfriend. I'm saying if you did, it would be worth the time spent. 'Cause. Dude, every time you're sad, you get a blowjob. So you don't kill yourself. And it's like, not normal blowjob. Like, normal blowjob, you finish and then it ends. This one, like, if you cum, you're like, I'm done. She's like, I'm not. She does it 'til sadness comes out effervescently. And that works with blowjobs, by the way. Blowjobs, cum comes out, then sadness, then blood if you keep going. So you gotta stop. You gotta stop between sadness and blood. But after a while, it's dangerous, 'cause it's like, every time you're horny, you get sad. Like, Paolo's dick over there. Okay, you guys don't read, you don't know who Paolo is, but good, good. I should have ended right before that, thank you. - Orhun Tamor, good set. Welcome, Orhun. - Good to be back. - Good to have you here. And you are originally from Turkey, correct? - Yes. - Ari Shafir, what's your analysis of Turkey? - I think that's the life story of Turkey. If they had to do a movie about Turkey, it should be called, "Between Sadness and Blood." - Oh, sadness and blood are not separate, they're together. - How did I know you were gonna knock that out of the park? That is incredible. Orhun, welcome back. What's been going on in life? - Oh, you know, heartbreaks, good sets. You know, my car got vandalized in Houston. - Tell us about that. - I rented a car, and I got the cheapest insurance, 'cause I was trying to save $17.84. And somebody vandalized my car, and I told Houston Comics, they were like, "Yeah, welcome to Houston, bitch." - That does happen in Houston, a lot. - Did this man happen to have an O.J. Simpson tattoo on his stomach? - I'm from Turkey, so O.J. Simpson is not evil there. When you tell a woman in Turkey, "Hey, O.J. Simpson," they say, "Yeah, well, why was she cheating?" So it's not as potent, but I appreciate your effort. - What type of vandalizing did they do to your car exactly? - They, I think, took a big stick with a pointy end to the hood, and, yeah. And they scratched it, like, they made it so-- 'cause I was gonna go to a Mexican guy to get it fixed, but it was un-Mexican-able, like, it was too much. - It's funny, because in Los Angeles, and I know you won't do this, but in Los Angeles, if you've got a dent in your car, you go to an Armenian guy, and I know-- - Oh, I'll go to an Armenian guy. - That's not possible for you guys. - Did the guy say, "I Mexi-can't fix this"? - No, that's--he just--he said stuff that, uh, was-- I don't even know, just Spanish shit. - Amazing. - Amazing. - So he couldn't fix it, but you tried. - Yeah, yeah, he was also a comic. You can't--with these people. - Right, for sure, those people. - Yeah. - Comics, that is. - Let's get back to this insurance that didn't cover it. - Our senior insurance correspondent, Ari Shaffir. - Yeah, so you got insurance, but it covered everything but vandalism? - No, no, no, it actually didn't cover anything, so basically the deductible was $3,000. Why are you making me talk about insurance? Okay, you're laughing, all right, cool, I'll do it. So there's a $3,000 deductible. If I paid $17.84 more, it would have been $500 deductible. - Oh. - Yeah, are you happy? - Happy, you asked? Is this a comedy corridor you're glad you walked into, motherfucker? - That's what I'm talking about. There's the team where we know. - There you go. - How was your set, though? Did you have a good set? - Oh, I had great sets. I'm the only person who did, like, 16 shows in seven days and lost money. You know? - How much did this end up costing you? - $1,000.40. Oh, no, $1,000-- $1,040 and, like, 60 cents. - Right, the cents-- by the way, future reference, cents don't really matter here. - It's not really-- - It matters to me. - And to Ari, by the way, it does, yeah. - That's why people survive thousands of years. Those cents, we make it count. - Amazing. Orhun, so fun. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about? - Uh, honestly, I used to have a life. Before this, now, it's only comedy, which-- - Yeah, welcome. - Fuck life. I don't give a fuck about life, like, you know? - This is what you want? - I'll play volleyball after I'm dead, you know? - - I want to do comedy, and it's been great. - Absolutely. You're doing a good job, Orhun. - Yeah. - I'm proud of you. You're living the dream. - Thank you. I love validation, so-- - You love what? - I love validation. - Validation, absolutely. - That's Sir John's other brother. - No, I'm not-- I'm not being ironic, by the way. And every now and then, I need to be padded. - Yeah, you got it. - Yeah. - You're doing good, bud. - Yeah. - You look good. You're killing it. Everything's good. Orhun Timur, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along. Good stuff, Orhun. He'll be back soon. He's the defending Golden Ticket winner. So, there he goes. - What do you get with the Golden Ticket? Explain that. I don't know exactly. - With the Golden Ticket, you get to leave-- - What? - Any time you want? - Well, it's kind of any time you want. It used to be. But now, there's so many that you kind of leave the veils. And I look at things every week and see how many regulars we have. And how many spots there are. And usually, you can only squeeze one in based on like a rotation kind of of-- when the last one was. It's a good question that most people don't know about. Are they playing you off for your discussion about. What? Are they saying wrap it up with music? Yeah, it is crazy. That's crazy. That's a crazy thing. I know. Legitimate question. He loves hitting the drums very hard. He has no sense of how hard he's hitting the drums over there. There it is. Yeah, it's these wacky earpieces so they can all communicate with each other. Can't hear us. He's treated like an ox. They can be like, does anyone have a blunt? B-minor means pass it down. Yeah. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. There you go, Michael. You get to play on the drums, everybody. Goes by the name of Stephanie Ann, everyone. Stephanie Ann. I just got out of a 22-year lesbian relationship. Not with a female, with a man who is a real bitch. Let's talk about it. Now men say things to me like, whose pussy is this? I'm like, I think it's mine. I mean, if this pussy at 45 and I don't own it, it better be a land contract or rent-to-own situation. Otherwise, please, everyone give me a dollar tonight to pay off this Affirm loan, okay? I've just lost a ton of weight with gastric sleeve surgery. For those of you who don't know what gastric sleeve is, it's where they surgically. surgically alter your stomach to only hold four ounces of food. But, like, don't worry, boys. I can still fit eight inches down my throat, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if y'all got that, but, you know, we got a ruler in the car down the road somewhere. I don't know, Austin. I'm from Detroit. All right. Anyway, I'm done, I think. All right, cool. 59 seconds. She had the timing that Sir John wishes he had. Nailed it. Amazing. I put the mic over here. All right. Welcome. Welcome, Stephanie Ann. Thank you. This is your first time on the show? Yes, my first time in Austin. I love it. Welcome. When did you get into town? On Saturday morning. Nice. What have you done since you got here? I did a show with a couple of my friends that are comics here and got really high because, you know, 420. Where'd you come from? Detroit. Nice. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up since the pandemic. I started doing, like, TikTok videos, and then I started doing actual stand-up comedy right after everything opened up. Okay. When did you start doing stand-up? When did you lose all the weight? It's been a 13-year journey. I've lost 350 pounds. Whoa! That is, for those of you who are wondering, that is a Peyton Ruddy worth of weight. Yes, yes, yes. Well, guess what? You lost it, Red Band found it. Yeah. Yeah. I also lost the last 50 pounds with the help of Wagovi. Whoa, shout-out. Yeah, I call her by name. I call her by her name because that bitch has been inside me for months, so. Hey, can I just tell you, that should not be the last 50. It should not. No. I'm working hard, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm wrong. I'm gonna go on the Ari Shapiro diet. Crack, okay? Oh! You crackhead. You crackhead Jew. Crackhead Jew. Crackhead Jew. Crackhead Jew, Crackhead Jew, Crackhead Jew, Crackhead Jew. For you, Lewis, one chant per episode. I just want to return to this real quick. I'm like 160. I just want to. I felt like that kind of got we skimmed over that real quick. Bro, I have been crossing my legs this whole fucking show. That's because you're an old Jew, man. That's because you're an old. I love it. Stephanie, you said you're 45 years old? I'm 45 years old. I feel so bad. Women age like shit. Ari Jafir is 78 years old. Stephanie, let's talk about that. Was that true? You were in a 22-year-long relationship? Yes, I was married to. I'm actually still currently married, but we're separated. But I was married to my husband for 22 years. Black guy, right? Okay. When did the relationship end? It ended. When I started comedy, apparently. During the pandemic? Just slightly after the pandemic, yeah. Right. So what weight were you during the pandemic? What weight was I during? Ballpark. About 250. About 250. Yeah. I had lost the first amount of weight beforehand and then had my two kids. I have two boys. How old are they? My oldest is 12, going through puberty right now. I just fucking had to take a vacation. And my youngest is 10, and he is level three autistic. Okay. Yeah. Level three autistic. So if you need a 10, mother. Isn't it interesting that the one that's 10 ended up being autistic? Yeah, that's why we cut that shit off right after that. No more babies after that. But I mean, you're also using a bunch of medicine to lose weight during that time? Oh, no, no, no. I've only been on GLP for the last year. Oh, just old shit. Yeah. Right, just old shit. Yeah. Perfect. Are you counting your son's weight and the weight that you lost? All right. My son is pretty big for his size, yes. He's about 300 now. You lost a bunch of weight, and then your husband then dumped you? My husband then dumped me because I couldn't run away from him anymore. Yeah, yeah, he did. I use GLPs, too. No, I dumped him, basically. You do? What kind of GLPs do you use? I use ginormously large pants. 160! 100! Amazing. So, Stephanie, tell us more about your life. I find you so intriguing. You're taking these jokes, you're laughing. I love it. You're like a real comedian. This is great. Thank you. Tell us more about your life. I'm an insurance claims adjuster for, like, a union insurance. Can you help a guy that rented a car in Houston, Texas? You know, I probably can't because I chose not to rent a car just for that fucking reason. I was like, no, thank you. Nothing but trouble. So, how did you get. You flew, obviously, from Detroit? Yep, I flew from Detroit. What airline?. to your. I'm Delta, of course. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm a white woman. Come on, I'm not fucking around. That makes sense. We had to actually fly southwest this weekend to Las Vegas. It's the only airline that flies directly from Vegas to Austin and back. So, Red Band and I, if you're wondering, even though I got chokeslammed by The Undertaker last night, my back mostly hurts because of flying southwest this weekend. So, it's absolutely incredible. Not kidding. By the way. Stephanie, so you flew Delta, you landed here, you had fun with your. How many comedians did you come here with? I just came by myself. I had a little meeting thing I had to do and then came here. So, I just spent the whole weekend here. Very cool. Meeting for work? Yeah. Got it. You work at Alcoholics Anonymous? Yeah. No, totally. Totally. Amazing. So, since you have been broken up with your husband, you've been out dating? Are you on the sites? What's going on with that? I've, like, dated a couple guys, but, like, honestly, I'm so busy with my kid, I'm kind of like. And you know what? People are, like, train wreck, you know? So, guys don't want to date you, they just want to fuck you, so. How's that going? You know. They don't want to fuck you. They will. You speak for yourself. Why don't you just fuck up? I don't know. I don't know, bro. There was this homeless man outside and he was trying to get it. His name is Royal Oats and. Okay. I mean, this guy seems to like me. I think he's blind, though. Dude, she's, like, 120 and svelte. Yeah. Totally. He'll feel it. You can't trick D-Magnus, by the way. This guy reads that and look at him laughing, like, tell him, Tony, motherfucker. Tell this Jew I ain't stupid. She's a Persian princess. He will wrap his hands around that and be like, what the fuck is this shit? 120. I'm a Hungarian gypsy, not a Persian. I'm a Persian princess. Oh, my goodness. You were a hungry Hungarian? Yes, yes. Hungry, hungry hippo, yeah. I love it. No, Stephanie, you're great. What's the longest set you've ever done? I did do a 40-minute set once. It was a train wreck, okay? Yeah, I was not ready, but I usually do about 10, 15-minute sets here and there in Detroit. How long are you in town for? Just until tomorrow, actually. I stayed for this. There you go. Yeah. Got lucky. Yep, did, totally. Got lucky. Well, Stephanie, very fun. I love your style. I love your energy. Congratulations. All right. You did it, Stephanie and everybody. We're having fun tonight. I like this episode. I love a banjo. Feel free to stay here in America with us. Please. I noticed you didn't banjo when the black guy was up here. What's that? He didn't banjo when the black guy was up here. It's unbelievable. Hard move, yeah. The banjo. How about another hand for Winston Marshall, everybody? Make sure you follow him on social media. Great musician. He's got great takes on the world and stuff, too. A lot of common sense for a musician and for a person. Can I say, Al? Especially for a musician. I don't know if I can break in here, but I saw him play with Big Jay Ogerson at Bonnaroo, like, I don't know, 10 years ago. - Five years ago, you guys fucking, destroyed yeah we all went like oh let's check it out and then we were converted in eight minutes yeah amazing make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody it's adam beck areola i recently met a girl with herpes and well i think i'm in love i mean what are the odds the first woman i talked to in months has aftermarket parts it was kind of a surreal moment for me you know talking to a woman but i really think she could be the one i mean think about if i'm ever losing an argument i can just pull the herpes card oh sorry we couldn't afford groceries this month honey maybe if you didn't ruin my life by getting pregnant oh and you have herpes bitch but you know i'm really considering getting herpes think about it there's so many beautiful women out there with herpes that no one wants to have sex with well almost no one sorry red band didn't want to include you and i was like wow this is what black men must have felt like when they discovered fat white women you got a whole category for yourself thank you that was my time wow that was crazy grab that microphone what the hell's going on adam a lot of things man a lot of things are you how are you handling this herpes girlfriend not a girlfriend you're struggling with it huh i got blocked and then so uh you got blocked yeah i got blocked what happened how'd you get blocked how was that chick with herpes like fuck this idiot i don't know man she started talking to another guy at the bar i was like you know what he can get it not me yeah and so i just passed it on well that sounded bad that sounded bad i don't actually have herpes is just part of the joke whatever sure um i swear adam how long you been on stand-up uh this is like my first real time so yeah yeah what does that mean exactly to you first real time what does that mean well i went to i just i went to one open mic okay sorry now that question will be answered on the podcast i listened to your podcast man not cool dude you rule okay all right i went to one open mic in fort worth and it was like i could walk butt naked and no one would have seen me you know there's no one there and then uh so that was a few weeks ago and i decided to come down to kill tony because i had monday off of work peyton can i give you some pointers yes sir if you're trying to close drug knock knock jokes are it's the best way you can end yeah it's one of the most classic styles of comedy yeah so adam here you are struggling through a set on the biggest show in the industry do you regret the decision are you looking forward is this something you want to do like for the rest of your life how old are you oh 23 okay so now answer the question from before uh no i don't regret it at all you know i think failing will make me better there you go i like that uh i love stand-up but like long term i want to be more like a writer so i figured if i just get into stand-up because i want to be a script writer for scripted comedy and like i don't really know anyone in the industry so i figured if i try doing stand-up hopefully get myself out there maybe someone thinks i'm funny maybe they'll give me a chance to you know just get in the writer's room louis j gomez i feel like you're further away from that goal after this set you set yourself back years just tonight yeah now the people that would have hired you are like i will never work with that guy hell no buddy i gotta tell you i personally know everyone in the industry and i can put in a good word for you could you hook me up with somebody with herpes i think you're very funny thank you and for a first time you were pretty confident and you were you were you were killing it and i like your your honesty and vulnerability talking about your game plan most comics come up here and they're like i don't know i just and you had like you know all these things i admire completely agree with peyton here for 23 years old it's an amazing start it is kind of always weird to start here but you're 23 and i have a lot of time ahead of you this is a good time to start ari shafir was there any thought before you went on stage today of not wearing shorts on a 57 degree day well i live in fort worth and it was sunny there and like i don't check the i just i don't check the weather i just walk out and i'm like if i made a bad decision like i just got a man up yeah dude how many comics are from dallas today like dallas fort worth is like half the lineup tonight yeah yeah sorry what was that never mind it wasn't about it wasn't about you it wasn't it was a it was just an observation for really no reason it's your first time doing stand-up and your shirt says not my first rodeo shut up mike stud it indeed is your first rodeo yes sir fake it till you make it that's what that shirt is it's not my first rodeo shirt says yes sir adam before i let you go tell us one more crazy thing about your life you have any special skills or talents other than uh well anything at all i mean i could try to trauma dump you know to get some envy but um i don't know what do you have a crazy traumatic thing that happened to you i mean who doesn't i mean my mom recently got canceled how did your mom get canceled i don't know it's kind of impressive to get that done in 2026 but uh go ahead so it's kind of a i'll make a long story short so my birthday was february 1st and i'm going to be my grandpa's is february 3rd and i like a tweaker uncle who wanted to plan a birthday for my grandpa he's like 20 years sober and the drugs still mess with him a little bit so he's like a schedule a family gathering get everyone together for my grandpa's birthday i was like you know what my family's a little dysfunctional i'll fade that and just stay here in texas instead of going back home where's california okay go ahead and then uh so my mom the family's all there and she's like you know what screw this i'll do what any normal person will do with a dysfunctional family i'll go to the bar at 12 on a saturday you know get a midday fade-in and then uh make the long story shorter yeah sorry yeah sorry they'll tell stories like a woman dude we need more detail they planted these ice protesters right outside the bar and so obviously my mom has that 2 p.m fade-in after the bar you know because family drives us all crazy and she's walking out and there's these ice protesters and you're drunk from the bar of course you're gonna go talk to them and she's talking with them they get a little bit of an argument you know a little pushing and shoving happens and obviously they're recording it you're the clip baiting uh-huh keep going and uh they get in a little like argument a pushing fight and then uh they get separated but they recorded it and send it to my mom's work and uh they didn't renew her contract at her job type prostitutes have contracts red band i don't know the answer let me tell let me tell you i have a storytelling show myself so let me let me tweak that for you it's called the end available at re shafir.com tony hinchcliffe is doing the final story ever done on my show that's right my mom was talking to these ice protesters and then right all the other stuff yeah you talked about your relatives they never came back in this yeah what the bar none of that matters the fact that the birthday is february 1st 3rd none of it what was that the first and third i was like okay this is gonna pay off right now it's gonna pay off it's gonna pay off it is his first time and it's good for him to learn mr central i like writing so i just like oversharing i guess it was a tweaker uncle it was a grandpa it was a whole cast of characters that never reappeared in the story now now this takes place in a city i call you know what that sounds like to me though a future tv writer that's he's got characters he's got an arc he don't know where he's going with it yet but at the end of that episode we will find out why that chicken crossed the road that is true here's a little something for you to start writing and there's a medium joke book for adam ariola ladies and gentlemen keeping it moving here we go there you go put me in a show for real put me in a show your next bucket pool oh it's a show with oh that's keegan this is keenan make some noise for keenan womack everybody so guys i'm keenan i'm uh from a military family i'm very proud of that my cousin is actually overseas right now um yeah he joined isis uh yeah now he's a viral star you can find all his stuff on live leak i hear a lot of stories about students and teachers having inappropriate relationships and i'm not gonna lie when i hear that i get a little bit jealous you know i think back you know i was a handsome guy why couldn't that be me i'm a handsome guy i'm a handsome guy why couldn't that have happened for me when i was a teacher you guys seen uh crazy rich asians anybody seen that yeah they're making a sequel it's called crazy poor asians it's about filipinos uh they're also making a movie about hunter biden uh it's called white lines matter yeah there you go keenan womack some funny jokes in there how long you've been doing stand-up keenan about three years where at oh i just did a show at shakespeare's next door on thursday it was a lot of fun no i mean like the whole three years here in austin yeah so i'm sorry i'm not very good at answering questions well that's super smoothly yeah for sure what do you do for work i'm in sales what are you selling uh well if i told you that i might get in some trouble no i'm selling tech it sounds cooler if you say you're selling drugs uh i feel like that's a lot more interesting yeah yeah you're a funny guy how old are you i'm 32 32 yeah what made you start stand-up three years ago uh well so i actually started in high school in dallas i started as an 18 year old and then i got drunk for 12 years and then i stopped drinking and then i started doing stand-up wow so yeah he started at 22 and i've been drunk ever since yeah yeah i uh well i've actually got five years sober last weekend so oh congratulations don't clap too much saturday's my cheat day of course but amazing keenan you have any uh special skills or talents that would surprise us yeah i can rip a drum set like no are you serious are you dead serious i'm gonna be so pissed if you're fucking with me how long have you been playing drums for like since i was 12 no way serious i played in more bands and done more shows music than i've done stand-up if only we had a fucking you upset here and if only we had a running historical part of the show called a mexican drum off i don't know if you guys know how it works looks like some people dragged their liberal girlfriends out with them tonight so let me explain how this goes historically on this show if a comedian knows how to play the drums they get to have a drum solo competition with the resident drummer uh all time every resident drummer has won a drum show and they've won a drum show and they've won a drum show and they've won a drum show and they've won this competition but if if if keenan wins this the rule the house rule is that he would become the full-time drummer here on kill tony and that michael gonzalez would have to go into tech sales uh that's the big twist they have to trade jobs literally tony i gotta give a word of warning for the audience here yeah for all the women in here you're about to gush wet it's simple i think you know how it works right you got a napkin on your table apply it now and if you get too wet remember just look back at ari shafir and suck it back in wait wait wait i'm supposed to cue it okay whatever go ahead this is a mexican drum all right pretty good pretty good unimpressed yeah i would have gone i would have gone a little crazier playing since 12 i would have really like built up built it up a little bit told a story there that was just kind of hold on this blonde bimbo really wants to say something let's hear let's hear from this uh let's hear from uh hulk hogan's ex-wife for a second here what what are you saying oh hell yeah this bitch has been pounding miller lights there are six empty miller lights on this table i love it she's wearing a kill tony shirt the other guy's got a bucky's buckeyes i never made the connection that bucky's and buckeyes are that close it's probably a brand deal we could that bouncer just told you something your boyfriend never would shut up yeah all right ladies and gentlemen here to defend his throne i mean if he if the drumsticks break or something amazing he could lose this thing this is michael gonzalez man that was a close one well the craziest part of this competition historically is that the audience decides uh make some noise if you have keenan womack winning that competition throw that guy out throw whoever the fuck clap mozad agent throw him out and how many of you have michael gonzalez winning there you go but keenan good news you're a very funny man so you're leaving with a big joke book you got that there goes keenan womack everybody funny man all right we're keeping it moving along here we're gonna do we're gonna go a little a little long tonight is that all right with you guys your next bucket pool very interesting name this should be interesting they're definitely covering up their real identity so we'll see what happens here make some noise for phx98 everybody here we go hey tony i heard you were gay tony no gta tony i'm like no way tony anyways tony you fuck with raves tony not for you fuck with raves tony shit tony i think you my twin tony you're looking kind of thin tony shit bring that shit in tony damn tony i've been here since i was a little girl i've been in the squat 50 times every time i wake up working on my ass tony so let me ask tony you fuck with raves tony oh that's my minute man they really do not like people mentioning tony i mean it's kind of nuts have you ever seen the show before or anything like uh three times and then what made you want to do this here when fuck you my friend said do it fuck you okay hang on i think i think i know what can help that set sir grab the microphone one more time exact same thing okay i don't think it would really help he didn't even rhyme he just kept saying tony not not the word tony with tony it's phony it's it's it's tony i mean or tony boney what was your what's the name again i'm sorry oh me ph 98 is that what is that the number above your cell or something or yeah are you are you a rapper uh yes unfortunately why do you keep on doing this i mean i know it's a distance from the mic i wouldn't even okay there you go all right okay there you go you bummed everyone out you walked a guy leaving to kill himself right now dude that guy's going to commit suicide because of what you just did up here he's gonna hang himself in the most beautiful world let's just jump into it you ever done stand-up before i have not no have you ever done anything on stage before uh rap that's about it do you really rap i feel rap yeah really yes where the fuck is our drummer at right here right fucking here i mean it's like what are you doing just what okay well i'm glad i'm glad you're back it's a real professional show when everybody goes p fucking eight times an episode all right i want to see if you can fucking do anything because i don't think you can do anything that's the that's the gut instinct that i'm having so i would even though this fucking whole thing that you just did sucks i'm still gonna give you a chance to rap for a second and then we'll decide whether we fucking edit you out of the entire episode because i can't have people thinking they can just be a complete piece of shit that just doesn't prepare anything funny for the minute and then does this a little bit lighter because you guys are very loud so there you go don't jump that ship when you see you inside one bitches want to flip like a brick no outcome outcome truth when the income new but what they finna do when the code let loose peter piper picked a couple peppers on the way demons fighting why the legion gonna lead the way look i won't get sprayed from a first slash agent i can use flows that i heard replace it face it i can make words more fragrant face it like a jay suzy blaze it hate it i would never fake shit bruh bars got clever when the kid woke up bars got clever from the neo chump heart got severed when my bitch fucked up street punk trying to ride away smile for the tiktok hoe got laid find the pussy on the tiktok wristwatch all right i'm gonna stop you there i'm gonna stop you there nah i was feeling that shit though i i i got some feedback yes peyton peyton peyton i get it peyton liked it because he thought it was a crunch rap hell yeah i gotta say your brother sir john is way funnier man i gotta say can you just eyeball the spacing or do you have do you have to do this like maybe this and then go got it imagine if you did that you'd have to use the spacing you'd have to use the spacing you'd have to use the spacing use your whole arm phx 98 there you go put the mic in the mic stand phx 98 there you go There he goes. P-H-X-9-8, everybody. One more time. There you go. Thank you. You're welcome. Tony, you made him leave like someone who got fired at a high-level business. Yeah. That was so cool. Were you like, I'll put that mic in the mic stand? Can I talk to you over here for a second? That was so. You just offset any problems there that's a criminal that you're like, won't be today. Yeah, that was nuts. It's crazy. You really said, go ahead and clock out for me if you could. People watching at home, please don't sign up for this show without preparing a minute. It's like a psychotic thing to do. And I don't respond to you during your one-minute-long set. So if you're asking me questions like, do you like raves? I will not answer. And the entire panel has been instructed to not respond or interrupt the minute either. So you can't really play off them. You have to really try on this show just for a minute. He tried with a handshake, but he left it way over there? He was like, yo, what's up? No? Okay. All right. Anyway, Tony, I've been having a good time, Tony. This has been a fun show. We're having a good time. We have another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for. We know this young lady. Comedy store door girl, very funny person. Make some noise for Miranda Meadows, everybody. Miranda Meadows. Miranda Meadows. When I finger my girlfriend on her period, dude, my finger goes in like this and it comes out like this. And when I'm done with hers, I'll be creep walking away. When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares and I'd pee the bed. And recently, I found out I'm a squirter. So I think back to those times I had nightmares and I'd pee the bed and I realized, oh, I was just sleeping next to my uncle. The uncle that molested me taught me a lot. He taught me how to roll my R's so that when I, when I got older, I could say, rape. I was molested in the state of Michigan. He touched me here. I've been Miranda Meadows for a long time. Miranda Meadows. We know Miranda. She's like a distant little sister to us over there at the comedy store holding it down. Great energy's always there and on stage. Luis J. Gomez. Yeah, Miranda, you remind me of my niece, which is kind of ironic. Wait, wait, wait. I would much rather you have molested me than my ugly-ass uncle. Miranda, remind us all. How long you been doing stand-up again? On the 25th, it'll be eight years. Eight? Yeah. Hell yeah. Always fun. A true. You still work in the door at the store? Yep. Nice. You ever wear that red vest I left you? Yes, when it's cold. Yes. I wish I brought it here. I packed horribly for this trip. It happens. This weather here is very wonky. Somehow it was 100 degrees in January and cold and rainy right now. Very bizarre. For those of you that care about the weather here in Texas. Bullies is hot out here. Ari certainly cares about the weather. He controls it. Yeah, fuck you, Ari! You fucker! Why would you do this to us, Ari? Sorry. It was too hot. I don't know. I want to make sure everybody came inside for the shows. Miranda, you work the door still. Yeah. You know, you're the. I guess me, you, Tony, we've all done the same job. Oh, that's cool. Are there any. I'm the only one that can find the clit out of all of us, but. Whoa! How dare you? It's right there. It's right there between the balls and the penis. We know where it is. That's the part they really like. Miranda, what else is going on in life? Uh, you know, big balling, scissoring it up, fucking bitches, getting money. How long you had this girlfriend for? Two and a half years. Now, normally, lesbian relationships don't last that long. I know. What is your trick to keeping everything steady? You've been with her two and a half years, so I'm guessing you've lived together for three years. No, she doesn't want to live with me yet. Oh, wow. Why do you think that is? Probably because I'm too good at it. The bedroom, I don't know. Or because you dress like a conductor in a fucking train. I'm dressed like the best pussy eater in Auschwitz, goddammit. No, they weren't eating much over there, I'll tell you that. Exactly why I didn't eat pussy. Dressed like that, you clearly don't eat pussy, you also chew chew. All the live long day. Hell yeah. Do you really scissor? Is that a real thing? I find it to be so strange. One of the fucking funniest things in all of any sex. It might be funnier than anything gay dudes do. But I mean, like, bouncing your pussies off of each other. It's really fucking hard. Honestly, at the end of it, my knee just ends up, up there. And it's really hard. It doesn't feel good. And when it does, it's two seconds and it's over. Give us a real ballpark of how many, like a ballpark of how many times a year if you had to guess that you guys bounce your pussies off of each other. I have to know because it's just hilarious. Honestly, not this year. Right. We haven't this year. Yeah. Last year, a few times. Business was booming last year. Business was booming. It was a big year for scissoring. What's your normal? 69 and? I mean, we call it 45 and a half, but it's just sucking each other. It's just tits. Girls can't really 69, can they? It's a little bit. Yeah, it's a neck crank. Right. Seems like it's possible almost. It seems like one would be kind of, you would have to like loop your arms back and one would be like kind of up in the air. Just set your legs down on the back of her head. Yeah, it's almost like a, it's almost like a Scott's, it's like the Steiner recliner from Scott Steiner, the brother of Rick Steiner, the father of Braun Breaker. Either of you have like extended labias, you could start stretching out. Oh, good question. Ryan, that's a good question. That is over the line. Classified information. That is a crazy question to ask and it's disrespectful to women on this show. Do any of you have extended labias? I mean, it's probably easier 69ing as two men. You'd probably know a lot about this, Tony. Absolutely. No, it's true. It's very true. 69ing with two men works depending on the height of the other man. Okay. How many, if you had to guess how many toys you have between the two of you, I always forget. I find that intriguing about true lesbians as well because it takes so many things to replace one penis. I'm interested to hear, I'm interested to hear how many toys do you have. Yeah, you want to take a guess? I'm going to guess 14. Oh. I'm going to guess one train set. It is one and it is a nicely sized green dildo so we can see in the dark. Ooh. I imagine at night when you guys go to bed it comes alive like Toy Story. And it's just like, fuck me. Literally. Is it two-sided? It's just a one-sided dildo? You guys ever do a two-sided dildo like on a Requiem for a Dreamer? No, that shit scares me. Right. Because you can't feel it either way. I mean, no, wait, wait, wait. When it's. Wait, what? Okay, wait. No, I've had sex before, guys. I swear, I swear. I'm bisexual if you believe it or not. No, I've never done a two-sided dildo. Miranda, have you ever had sex. Have you ever had, like, a threesome with another person who's going to hell? Because if not, Ari's happy to join you and your girlfriend. I've heard about sex, but I. Can you teach? I have seen Ari's dick before while he's on stage and I will say it's perfect size. Yeah. It's also green like your favorite dildo. I just said that it would go away in its own. Amazing. Miranda, give the energy like you should have a slingshot and a frog in your pocket. Yeah, you're a real Bart Simpson-type personality over here. I'll paint your fence for your apple core. Instead of eat my shorts, you're like, eat my pussy. Miranda, you are just fantastic. We love your energy. Great jokes. My favorite appearance on your show, on this show so far in the history of it. You're just great. We love you. And we will see you when we come to Los Angeles for the Internet Dome in just a couple short weeks. And we love you. Here's a big joke book just for fun. There you go. Miranda Meadows, everybody. Thank you for making my first time on Kill Tony. Let's go! Hell yeah. She may be gay, but she catches like a girl. You know what? But I'm going to bring somebody up. out who specializes in eating pussy believe it or not uh because he can do it wow they're both standing up ladies and gentlemen just here to say hello an old friend of the show former panelist who's just swinging by in town make some fucking noise for one of your favorite stars from the hit movie jackass and the new jackass is coming out june 26th jackass the best and last ladies and gentlemen just to say hello make some fucking noise for we man everybody what's up brother how you doing tony welcome welcome how you doing red man we man this is not preston lacy this is preston lacy and ike's child oh my god it's that last chick's double-sided dildo oh my god you're huge yeah but i'm not green no no no no no and you're not 160 by the way yeah well you're 160 centimeters buddy so this way yeah i love this by the way uh lesbian 69 is l seven oh l seven i like that we man welcome back to the kill tony universe we've missed you you've been out and out for a long time and we're going to be back in a minute and we're going to be back in l.a we accidentally abandoned everybody out there you did yeah it's all right you abandoned your favorite neighbor too and he's absolutely yeah the great rick kosick uh one of the more famous uh the famous uh cameraman for all the jackass movies and i were extremely close next door neighbors for a long time we had a very home improvement like relationship come up to my uh fence and i would be out there obviously chain smoking and writing and whatnot and uh and we would talk every day we'd go to the farmer's market we all would get some chili cheesesteaks tony you're not gay at all i think you're not if you saw rick kosick you would know it was not a sexual relationship come on oh yeah i would totally fuck rick absolutely i've seen that guy barf on film more than anyone in the world it's hilarious and uh we love rick we're all very good friends with them uh we man this movie's coming out june 26 i've heard so many great things about it we all know yeah i am a massive fan i've always said there's only two funny things left in this world and that is jackass and south park we are so excited so excited to uh to see it what how did you how do you feel about uh what you guys got on film it's actually really really good this time we went uh right away in the beginning we went and shot for five days that's it we got 40 minutes that's over half the movie in five days usually we take like six months yeah and we take breaks and nox is like well now that we're working at this speed who knows what's next yeah yeah no it's it's gonna be a fucking good one and we went viral on friday because we blew up the back of simi valley and there was like a family park and everybody's like oh shit there was two explosions and uh okay we're gonna hear helicopters soon and all of a sudden it was nothing because we had all the cops and fire department they all knew we were gonna blow shit up so they jackass started the fire in los angeles and uh hey this is jackass and we're destroying pasadena amazing we man what else is going on in life anything else crazy we should know about uh nothing crazy i just got a old canon elon uh film camera and i started taking shots and i have a photo show coming i love it nothing better than low angle photos oh yeah double chin on everybody skirt pictures we mean that that's a gopro he's like and this one is a shot of ankles and this one is a shot of ankles as well who got the most ptsd this year what's up who got the most ptsd this year uh dave england he shoved his finger into zach's ass and he tore his middle finger he tore the tendon right here in a butt what in a butt in straight in towards tendon and he had to go and he didn't realize that at first we did this whole crazy bit and then he went he goes dude i can't move my finger guys so he goes to the doctors and we're like yes and we're like did you tell him what happened he goes yeah i told him and the assistant i shoved my finger up a dude's ass and broke it and my first thought was the doctor's wife that night was like so honey how was work oh wait till you hear this one i am hard as a rock right now you know that dude that dude is like he's now going around hollywood going i literally have the tightest ass in la where can people see that uh photo show that you're doing uh it's at a small little venue called house of danger in costa mesa may 2nd nice gonna be fun awesome drinks and burgers and low angle photos we love you we man uh jackass the best and last it's called comes out june 26 you guys know what to do go have fun smoke some pot and go watch a fucking funny ass undeniable movie a lot of our friends and uh former guests of the show of course are part of the cast basically everybody i think everybody's been on it except for knoxville um who was almost on it but uh lost him i we had some crazy stuff going on that day had a little gig in madison square garden the night before little something happened we don't worry about that though it's all behind us um okay i mean guys what a fucking episode we've had and there's only one way to end an episode like this and believe it or not it's probably not how you think uh william montgomery's going through it ari maddy's doing extra sold out shows uh and uh timmy no breaks is recovering from a big fall at wrestlemania which is available now obviously on netflix uh kill tony mania went live um yeah go watch it but ladies and gentlemen i promise you when i tell you that one of the most amazing regulars with the most potential and only a couple appearances under his belt is waiting right behind that curtain he will be if he's not already one of your favorite comedians in the world make some noise for the future everybody this is a new set from pat o'neill everybody folks started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate you guys have heard about this the cinnamon challenge uh uh fun time last time i did that i was watching some midget porn at least i hope uh got a big porn crowd here all right most of you are either amish or liars uh it's fine though you know watching too much of that stuff growing up i think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women you know like thinking lesbians would be pretty rarely the case i dated a jewish girl once ended up being a lesbian the old double ike part of the lgbt jew you know the ancient jews as legend has it they saw jesus christ at the last supper picking up the tab for 12 other dudes and we're like he must be god we have to kill him okay thank you unbelievable i mean he does this this is this is what he does that's clearly the set of the night the hardest hitting jokes totally almost made me take a spit take i thought i could take a full sip of water but i didn't i didn't take a full sip of water but i thought i could take a full sip of water but i didn't i didn't take a full sip of water uh while he was coming out and the folks got me real good right from right for your first you're you just have a you just have the beats man let's check in with louis j gomez first of all you are very funny that's unique and funny great jokes but you do look like pennywise in high school pennywise is also what ari shafir calls his pocket he's filled with pennies that he finds on sixth street uh so many out there the snake guy no one is looking at him i'm picking up pennies right behind him dude you have the most hair of a ball person i've ever seen in my life you have a black widow's peak all right let's have the third person tell me how ugly i am peyton i it's not about how ugly they are i'm just surprised how funny you are when you spend most of your time trying to reanimate dead flesh at your house you're like dr frankenstein dude Your bedroom's just full of, like, you know, like, bubbling tubes and shit. Yeah, yeah, I kill ladies. Yeah, I'm calling you a psychopath, yeah. You get it? Matt O'Neill, you are so fucking funny. I've got rules. Thank you, Tony. Crazy question, but what's your writing process? Is it daytime, nighttime, at a desk? Does it come to you when you write it on your phone? Is it in the shower? Is it driving? Yeah, just, like, all day. Yeah. Shower and driving, a lot happens. We just lay down in an open grave and wait till it comes to you? I feel like he writes all of his jokes by clipping out letters from magazines and newspapers. Yeah, there's a great spot I go to write. I fly on in, I hang upside down by my feet. God damn it! Pat O'Neill, I cannot stress enough how funny I think you are and how excited I am for you to be a full-time regular. You did it again, buddy. You're amazing. Don't change a fucking thing. So, Pat, you're a fucking great dude and we just announced that Skankfest tickets are on sale today. How would you like to come to Skankfest? Let me just break in right now and say that I am inviting you myself to Skankfest. I'm me, I'm Shafir. You know what? I would like to have you on the secret show this time. All-expense-paid trip. There's a suite that fucking some fucking name Dave Smith's not using. You can have that. No, I want you at Skankfest. Also, to be honest with you, dude, Peyton, are you coming to Skankfest this year? I was planning, you know. Peyton, let me be the first one. I am inviting you to Skankfest. You are now a proud member of Skankfest. You're there. I was gonna. I didn't get in last year and then this year. Yeah, can you believe it? I'm going to go to Skankfest. No, I'm going to be in D.C. at the time. You're going to be in D.C.? Yeah. Doing shows? Yes. Cancel the fucking weekend. Come party at Skankfest. What are you doing, dude? All right, all right, all right. Just ask him for a week later. It's still early enough. Fucking D.C., it's a shithole. Okay, all right. All right, Peyton Ruddy's going to be at Skankfest and Pat O'Neill's going to be at Skankfest and the rest of us are going to be at Skankfest, believe it or not, everybody. How about one more time for the great Pat O'Neill, everybody? Your soon-to-be favorite comic, if he's not already. Make some noise for the great Luis J. Gomez, everybody. Skankfest.com for the final tickets to Skankfest. There's not going to be a Kill Tony, just to make it clear. However, we're all doing stand-up and everybody shows, story wars, all the fun stuff. Well, it's the 10th anniversary. You never know what could happen, Tony. Well, I do know what can happen. What did happen on the last time you did Kill Tony on Skankfest? What did happen? You took a shit. On the stage. Anything could and will happen at Skankfest, Kill Tony. Anything can happen. I'm about to guarantee right now, Kill Tony will happen at Skankfest. It's definitely not. Do not. You heard it here first. Kill Tony is happening at Skankfest. You know what? There's going to be two Kill Tonys at Skankfest. Two Kill Tonys at Skankfest. Yeah. Definitely not. However, there will be a Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden on August 7th and August 8th. The Intuit Dome in Los Angeles and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. Minor arenas. You need to do it at a 130-seat room at Skankfest. 130 would be, I think, an upgrade compared to the rooms that we've done before. One more time for the great Ari Shafir, everybody. The end. The Storytelling Super Series is available now. Go to arishafir.com. Guys, boy, oh, boy. What a first episode. Perhaps one of my favorite first-time panelists of all time. I fucking knew it. Make some noise for Peyton Ruddy, everybody. I'm telling you, this guy's a fucking freak of nature. That's R-U-D-D-Y. And go see him live. Go to PeytonRuddyLive.com. His tour of my best work is happening now. Thank you. The DC show is big. We scale. It's scheduled as we speak. That's right. Thank you to our sponsors, Shopify, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter for this episode. One more time for Winston Marshall on the banjo joining us, everybody. I love the fact that some of the best musicians in the world join us sometimes randomly on this show. It's so awesome. So crazy. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Just for shits and. Oh, Shane Gillis. That guy's on my storytelling show at the end. He's also on. He's also on the storytelling show available at AriShafeer.com. And he'll also be at Skankfest. Skankfest.com. Red Band. You know, I just. Peyton used to work at the Sunset Strip. And I'm so happy for you, Peyton. When you left Sunset, it made me really depressed. But you can check out SunsetStripATX.com and find the next Peyton. It is true. A lot of people asked me to do panel on this show. And when Peyton asked me, there was no hesitation whatsoever. Even as after that, Lewis said, he's coming in town. And Ari said, he's coming in town. I said I wanted to keep it three people because I knew Peyton would crush. One more time for the debut of Peyton Reddy to the Kill Tony universe. If you did it again, go watch Kill Tony Mania on Netflix. And come see us live in New York, L.A., everywhere. And life goes on. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. I'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.