#766 - SAM TALLENT

Hey this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHingeCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony Tony Hinge Cliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey this is RedBan coming to you live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Killtony, get it for Tony Hinge Cliff! He's ready for the best fuckin' day of their life, huh? -TV! -This looks like a brand red family. -What's it? -What's it up? -Oh yeah, and I've had one more time for the best standband in all the land, everybody playing to you live here in the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas. That's Carlos Sos on the saxophone, it's his birthday, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo. Normally, it's nachos Bel Grande, but tonight, tonight, I think it's Tress Leche's over there. How about a hand for Justin Heights sitting in tonight on the drums? We have the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and this is indeed deep madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. This episode is brought to you by Netflix, the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th, some of your favorite roasters and human beings, and just overall great people are going to be on that, so you're going to want to watch that because, yeah, May 10th, live on Netflix following the roast of Tom Brady, fun fact about the roast of Tom Brady, the most watched comedy event of the past decade. So we'll see where Kevin Hart lands and everything. Should be fun, should be fun. I specialize in making fun of small black people, so this could be good. This could be good. Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there. 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And the final kicker, one subscription covers unlimited devices so you can protect your phone, laptop, and even share it with your household. Pay for one tool and protect all aspects of your online life. Go to surfshark.com/killtony or use code Killtony. Check out to get four extra months of surfshark.com/killtony or code Killtony for four extra months. That's right. Surfshark.com/killtony. Use code Killtony for four extra months. Surfshark. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough. Enough to get lost. Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on Hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20% to get the stay you expected. When you want savings, not surprises. It matters where you stay. Hilton for the stay. Some things are impossible to miss, like an elephant in the room or a bull in a china shop. Or this season's amazing offers brought to you by PayPal. Discover offers from hundreds of brands like Viator, Allbirds, and Tori Birch right in the PayPal app. Save an offer before you check out with PayPal and earn unlimited rewards. Download the PayPal app to get started. Terms and exclusions apply. See PayPal.com/rewardsterms. And here we go. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight because that's all we need because it's one of the greatest guests in the show's history. How many of you are real diehard Killtony fans? Well then you're in for a special treat. One of the absolute best, one of the smartest, one of the funniest, some fucking noise. For one of my favorite human beings and comedians, it's the great Sam Talent everybody. Here we go. The man, the man, you seen him on all your favorite episodes. The best, the absolute best. Sam Talent is the fucking man and he's coming to Buffalo, Chicago, Madison. A bunch of places, fuck the blip.com, backslash, Sam Talent. That's with 2Ls and his new novel Brute comes out September 22nd. Yeah, pre-order that please. I'm competing with Mr. Beast and James Patterson. Yes, that is tough. Two dead eyed ghouls and me. Yeah, get the book, please. It's an erotic thriller about a hitman in Paris doing one last shot. Oh, I like that. It's called True to BRUT pre-order right now. It's available September 22nd. My friend, Sam Talent, you're fantastic. Feeling good? I wore a shirt that people online will say fits, I hope. Oh, good. Last time I was on here, I was wearing what many described as a tarp or some kind of boat cover. And I have a new hot body and I want everyone to know that. It fits. It fits. And it's, look, I know I'm sexually distracting now, but let's focus. Please, Tony's the hot one. Red bands the pervert, you know? I'm just here so we can get a nice cake for old Carlos over there, but that's right. Carlos's birthday. Carlos and his twin budding off his shoulder there. That's, yeah, just asexual reproduction at its finest. That's crazy. Rogan said, if you're going to have horn players, they all have to have a bald head like me. Yeah. And trust me, the trombone player is well on his way. And hey, man, we can tell it's a wig, all right? Wait, that was red band? Yeah, that was red band. He got you. He got you, Fernando. Oh, wait, that's not Fernando. That's Role. I get them all confused. It's like George Foreman's kids over here, you know what I mean? I wish they all the same name, but they do not. Sometimes I order the wrong thing when that's all Rancho. It happens. Carlos, does your twin have the same birthday? Is that count that way or is he going to birthday? Oh, you don't speak English. I'm sorry. I love Ciento, Feliz Coomplianos, Kisiera La Musica. As you can tell, Sam Talon is the man, multiple time guests, always a guest of the year, contender nominee, always in the mix. And we're doing it again, Sammy. Bro, glad to be here. This is my favorite thing in show business. Thank you guys for coming here. 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. If they are, they get 60 seconds on stage. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm going to let this dead eye ketamine addict pull the first to name. Go right ahead, sir. Yes, I know. We can all tell. And that's a red banner. We're going to go wrangle that person. Could be anybody, clearly. And while we wrangle that person, ladies and gentlemen, starting the show is one of our favorite golden ticket winners ever in the show's history. You know them. You love them. Makes noise for the great. David Charlie everybody. I'm doing tonight white people in Puerto Rico. Yeah, man, life being going good. I've been on the road and shit, you know, but most of my homeboys, my age, all of them boys been going through like a me at life crisis. My homeboy Johnny caught me the other day and he was like, Hey, Dave, I'm about to start streaming. I said streaming. Man, I hung a phone up. Nobody want to see no old nigga twitch. Five thirty eight, you check taking my blood pressure medicine. So I'm pass out at work again. It's only one type of people I want to see stream. And that's crack his. I paid top dollar to watch a crack here stream. Three thirty eight, you just suck my night dick of the day. You know the back is the world. They do it all got to crack his shit in the camera. I'm about to take this full side. I was watching "Enjoy Your Nine Miles Away" on a 10-speed bicycle. [ Laughter ] Yeah, yeah. Thank you, guys. That's been a bunch of fun, man. Fifty-seven seconds on the nose by the great David Jolly. Fuck yeah. Fantastic stuff you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to see a cracky-ish stream? No, I'm like -- I'm agreeing with you, my friend. I literally would watch that. And I'm not one to watch streams, but I would watch that. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I look out of my giant, you know, penthouse condo windows down in the alleyways, and I love that fucker. Sometimes I'll grab a captain ship, Monaco -- What a telescope, Monaco, whatever that thing is. I'm just fucking interested in what's going on down there. There's a lot. I bet you see some good shit up there, don't you? Non-stop a lot of people that look like you, but it's not you. [ Laughter ] Hey, David, it's me. Oh, sorry. Oh, fuck you, son. [ Laughter ] I've never heard a bit about streaming. Yeah, honestly. Have you heard a bit about streaming? No, I love it. Dude, crackheads streaming? Yeah. The crackheads are like -- That's how they transport shit like Vietnamese families, you know? Yeah, yeah. You know? You go to, like, Laos, it's all bicycles with, like, you know, like the washing machine. That's a great bit. Yeah, yeah, crackhead is stronger than a motherfucker. I see -- I seen that for real. I seen a crack here and put a washer and a dryer on a 10-speed bicycle. Yeah. Right away, he was going with it. It was amazing, man. And you know what? Methads, not that strong. Yeah, nah. I mean, you got to do the real kind of drug, like, crack cocaine. Fuck that homie shit, you know what I'm saying? I think this is a cultural thing, David. Yeah, you know, yeah. That's the white versus black right now. Yeah, that's why -- that's why crackheads are so strong, you know what I mean. That's why the methads, you know, I'll still live with their mom. Yeah, exactly. Oh, crackheads live with their mom, too. They just live on the other side of the house, you know? Mom doesn't know that they're in there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. In the attic. Yeah, yeah. Now, David, you've smoked crack before. No, mother fuck, I ain't never smoked no crack. Really? And fuck you, Tony. I ain't smoked no fuck. Oh, yeah, my thought. I thought we were going to have a good, in-depth interview about crack use. Get you real. I just hope. You mean you've never smoked crack. You're a real fucking asshole, Tony, you know that? Bullshit. I mean, I could have sworn this was part of his backstory. Yeah, no, look at my teeth, mother fucker. This is good, like, crackhead teeth, though we are. We are not. You're teeth, David. I was literally bitter the night. You can't say that. By the way, here's a little behind the scenes for you. David had a spot in the other room. I was doing this room one night, just a normal Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night, a stand-up. And for some reason, he didn't take the night off the day that he got full on teeth and plants. And I don't know, Sam, if you've ever had the unbelievable pleasure of being in a comedy green room, when another comedian walks in, the day of clearly he needed whatever it is, 75 or 100 bucks or whatever you got paid for that set, you know what I don't know what it is. It doesn't matter. But clearly, he could not spare a night off of work because his entire house was swollen. He had these, I mean, I, David, I, instead of me rambling about how long if you had to guess, did I make fun of you non-stop jokes about your teeth? If you had to guess a timeline, it was a long time. No, come on. David, about an hour then I gave no classic fuck you Tony, and I walked out, you know what I'm saying? It was some good jokes too. Think about what he just said. An hour, ladies and gentlemen, is 60 minutes. That's not like each one of my jokes was a minute long. No. No, we're talking about perhaps 6 to 10 jokes per minute or 60 fucking minutes. They did one, they went that rat in the fire, not it was some good ones, you know. Those teeth. There's something about, have you ever seen someone get new teeth the day up? Yeah, yeah. I mean, like they were like out, the halting, swollen, it was crazy. Yeah, we did, you have to learn how to talk like a horse with peanut butter in its mouth? Oh, no, no, no. It was pretty bad. I mean, that, that was, yeah, that was a rough day, but, uh, you remember any of the good ones he said to you? Uh, nah, they was out, when Tony started rambling and going on the hot fire shit, I just block it out. You know what I mean? I'm used to it. Now, you got to block it out because you keep going. If you act like you ain't paying attention to him, then he'll stop eventually. The whole band's agreeing with you, like I bully them all the time. You got to know him and just walk the fuck away, you know what I mean? That's what I used to do. I think your teeth look great. Thank you, Sam. I think you look great in your shirt. It's not too big. You look amazing, man. Thank you. Oh, yeah, man. Little positive energy. How about that, Tony? I know you don't like that shit. But you never smoke crap. No, motherfucker. I ain't smoke no fucking crap. And I could have sworn. I want to go back when rewatch the tapes of your first interviews. Hell no, man. I can swear when you had the old teeth, you would admit that you smoke. Oh, my. I ain't ever smoke. You know what? Crack due to the black community, motherfucker. I would not be up here if I smoked crack. I'd be fucking breaking in people's causes, huh, man. Oh, you'd be in Parliament, fuck it out. Yeah. Yeah, they smoked crack. Yeah. But the crack was different. They were free-basin. You know, there's something they put in the crack. There's a difference between free-basin crack. That was that cameo shit. Yeah. Free-basin is like cocaine and whatever they're doing. I didn't know all of the scientists back then. Because I'm from the hood, motherfucker. That's how it is. They teach you that you think you bought us in the pool. Yeah. Now, I don't do nothing illegal. I just go on the road and have a good time. Now, you know, I live a better life. You know, I got health insurance. Wow. That's pretty good. That's very good for recovering crackheads. Hey, fuck you, Tony. You're a real piece of shit. Tony, you know that. I swear. Oh, man. You have? Yeah, of course. How do you like-- I lost the weight. No, I-- I've smoked crack, though. I've done free-basin, guys. I've never done crack. What the fuck is going on up here? You mean you two have smoked crack and David's offended than I even asked for the new smoke crack? I have smoked crack, yeah. What was that like? Awesome. It was. I was really high for like 12 seconds. Wow. Yeah. And how about you? How would you describe it? I didn't like it. It was very panicky and it smelled like burnt plastic. Yeah. And now when I smell it in the wild, I know every time. Yeah. Actually, it was really bad. I smoked crack and I brought these guys back from the bar where I got the crack and then they stole my laptop. I would have mentioned those are the types of things that happen. Hey, that's David. I don't know. Yeah. It's like I never smoked crack. But I did steal a few laptops. Yeah. I'm living a pretty good life. And I really don't like that negative energy that's coming from over there. There's a lot of negative energy. And, you know, I'm having a great day. You know, I'm never smoked crack, Tony. OK. I didn't do a cocaine, though. How much cocaine have you done? And one day? [LAUGHTER] What are you talking about? I used to be a bartender. I remember me and his white girl. Her name was what? Christie. She was like 135. Me and her-- Is that her weight? For her credit. 135 pounds. She might have been like 115, actually. She was real little. Like, we were doing cocaine after work one night. And we moved a whole two-bedroom apartment, just me and her. Wow. I had a hell of a job last week. David Jolly, you're the man. Way to get tonight's episode started for us. We love America's favorite uncle. David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. And now we moved to the bucket, everybody. This is obviously where the show-- you know, this is the mean potatoes of it. Anything can happen. It could be the next great talent of the world. It could be a crazy person. It could be somebody that's great, that at a rough night. It could be somebody that stinks that at a great night. Their sex could suck. The interview could be great, or vice versa. Anything could happen. Your first bucket pool tonight, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted. Goes by the name of David Edwards, everyone. Here we go. David Ed. Hello. I know I look like I just fucked a pair of balloons. I've also been known to look like a chicken that just got done heckin' the ground is what it is, man. No, guys, really, I just wanted to come out here and acknowledge the fact that I am the unwanted love child, a bunkal laser and Ellen DeGeneres. Just the ultimate gay, baby. It's been years. They refused to contact me. So I actually moved down here from Utah to get in touch. But I kind of got distracted, guys. A lot of just amazing Latina women here. Tall my Latina women. I am like a baboon under the sheets. Brutal hemorrhoids, guys. It's, it's. Have you guys ever seen the ring? Specifically, the scene where the ghost lady is like crawling out of the TV? That's me on the share, dude. I am just grunt and sweat. Like an NFL linebacker, dude. It is. It's quite the sight. Thank you guys. David Edwards. Keep it going for his barber who really got most of the laughs tonight. Amazing. David, how are you, buddy? I'm doing great. Long you've been doing stand-up comedy. This is my tenth mic. Your tenth mic ever, wow. Mike, going into Mike, the biggest thing in show business. Tell me professional. A typical mic, just millions and millions of people watching. Like most open mics, you know, an attentive crowd, a band behind you. Yeah. Exactly. So, David, how long ago was the first mic? Six months ago when I moved here. Six months ago. What made you want to start comedy six months ago? Probably the haircut. Yeah, yeah. No, uh, I, uh. Well, in Utah, I fell in love with a bisexual woman. Um. Sexual women? Woman, yeah. Okay, there's only one. Yeah, yeah. Um. She started, uh, having sex with this, uh, blonde guitarist. Yeah. Yeah. Guy or a girl? Girl. So she's just getting finger-blast into the moon right now. So, wait, so she left you for a female guitarist? Is that what you're saying? We were never together, Tony. You just fell in love with her? I fell hard. From how far away did you fall in love with her? Mandatory 100 foot. Excellent. Yeah. What grade is she in? [LAUGHTER] You got this. David. Mine, mine. So how old are you? I'm 22 now. 22. So you moved from Utah here six months ago. Yes, sir. Awesome. What were you doing with your life up until that point? Doing fiber optic works. Oh, okay. Construction. Construction. All right. Why, because the end of the cable matched your head? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. What they do, put you in a pipe and you like scurry it around like a badger? I just fucked a power outlet, dude. I don't know. Yeah. So how are you surviving in Austin, Texas? I finally got a job. I was in debt. That's why I only have 10 mics. So-- Open mics are so expensive, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the big barrier to comedy, you know? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You don't have money. It's hard to do. Go ahead. But I finally got a job doing fiber optic works again. You specialize in fiber optics. Sure. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Amazing. And did you grow up all of your life in Utah? Yes, sir. LDS or no? No, no, no, no, no. That means Mormon jerks. Yeah. So, David, you're 22. You're starting now. Did you do your hair like that, specifically, only when you go do stand-up comedy? Yes, sir. Yeah, just for tonight, yeah, exactly. So the stuff was working. You got a big laugh coming out. And then, you got a good chuckle from Redban on the-- on the-- what is it, Baboon Hemorrhoid Joe? Yeah, that was great. That's right. But then it kind of, it kind of all went away after that. That's true. So, do you plan on doing more mics to-- Yes, sir. Now that I have a job, I can fix up my Jeep. And what's your job, human ferret? Oh, yes. I'm going to say this. You came out. You have confidence. You're doing good in the interview. You're doing the funny faces. You have timing. Your jokes are going to catch up to what you're currently doing. And you're probably going to be a lot easier to do more than a minute. Yes, exactly. And you're 22. Thank you. That's how old I was when I started. That's a good age to start at. Thank you. So, what else are you into in life? Do you have any hobbies or you collect things? You seem like the kind of guy that would do like those finger skateboards or something like that? That's my brother, actually. Really? He's actually a yo-yo guy, too. Hey, Dave some pussy. This guy's brother. Yeah, I couldn't. Believe it or not, I have the looks. So-- Wow. Yeah. You're a handsome kid. You got piercing green eyes. You're just doing a weirdo thing. I get it. I get it. Yeah. So how about you? Your brothers and yo-yos and finger skateboards. What are you into? Well, I was into, like, hiking and video games and stuff like that. But since moving out, I've just been jacking it. Wow. OK. That's illegal in Utah. Yeah. What have you been jacking it, too? What are you into? What are your some of your wild fantasies? Let's talk about it. Ooh. We don't get to talk about jacking it with a 22-year-old very often. Not enough. Yeah. Normally, we'd have to have our own island to have these kinds of conversations. And you wouldn't be 22. I'll tell you what. Yeah. Not on our island. We'd have the sweetest, young ass. You'd be a cougar in our world with a lion man ears. You'd be run through and gross. We can still make something up. No, we can't. Yeah, we can. What, you and us? Uh-oh. So yeah, what are your sexual proclivities? Well, I kind of had like a rough come-up. So step family. Mom. OK. Stepmoms. You said step family first, because it, though, might be a dad or an uncle in there. That's the category. That's like the Brady Bunch stuff. So what happened to you in your childhood that makes you think that psychologically you're attracted to stepmoms? Oh, well, my mom, she's cool now. She's great. She's killing it. She's like an old man in a rocking chair, man. She's rocking it, all right? OK. What was she doing before? Well, she was like an alcoholic, hard-- and she just wasn't there a lot. Oh, when she was there, she was drunk. Oh, she's cool now, man. She's doing great. But when she was gone, your new hot stepmom showed up, right? No, my dad was a bigger guy, so-- What's wrong with that? Well, no, you're looking good now, man. Hey, right back at you, just kidding. Well, any other crazy thing we should know about the life of David Edwards, any fun facts? You ever almost die? You ever save a life, you ever have a-- Well, when I graduated high school, I got four baby raccoons. I just kind of found them. So I raised them up, and then I let them free. And now there's like so many raccoons in Utah, dude. That's all me. I don't have absolutely nowhere at an absolute insane time to come out. Eyes up, eyes up. Thank you, Heidi. OK. That was wild. All right. OK. There you go. Here's a medium-sized jokebook. Thank you, sir. So kidding, started. David Edwards, everybody. David Edwards. Haircuts will take you a long way early in comedy. Oh, I'm against it. Well, I'm not saying everyone should have cool hair, right, Red Band? Yeah. Oh, Red Band gross. You know, doing your hair to be able to do jokes, it's just something that kind of always been a gun. Spot, you know, he's starting out. He's just getting his legs underneath them. He's got hemorrhoids. He'll figure it out. Hey there, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chiu. Guys, the future of erectile function is here. Blue Chiu Gold is changing the way millions of men are having sex in 2026. The new arousal boosting formula combines passion and performance into one tablet. The dissolves under your tongue for super fast onset. No more waiting for a pill to kick in. No more moments ruined by performance anxiety. Just the results you freaking want when you want them. I'm talking hard boners again and again. Most ED meds only focus on blood flow. But Blue Chiu Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for blood flow and with two for mental arousal and connection. So you're not just physically ready. You're actually in the mood. 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Hey, I am in an interracial marriage. And so I'm the only black person in my husband's family. And because of that, they always have Noyan asked questions for me. One time my sister-in-law was like, "Hey Candace, can you please talk to the kids about June 10th?" And that should piss me to fuck off. and I had to go look up with June 10th was. (audience laughing) I had absolutely no ideas. I was snuck in a bathroom and searched that shit on Google. I was like, "Oh, this why I was off work on Monday." Oh, okay. (audience laughing) Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up, just giving us superpowers. They asked me a dumb question. I give them a dumb answer. They were like, "Hey, Candice, do black people like fried chicken?" Of course we do, and we can see in the dark. Did you know that? (audience laughing) That's my time. Yeah, I have a good night. Candice, August. (audience cheering) Hi, Candice. You've been on this show before. I have, I'm Tony. Hi, Red Man. Hello, very funny. Welcome back. Sam, is this your first time seeing Candice? I think so, and I gotta say Candice, you came out with like 20 seconds to set up and paid off that Juneteenth joke, and it was awesome. That was great. Thank you so much. Yeah. Sam, it's not our first time meeting. Nope. Nope, we were on two comedy festivals together, one in Santa Fe and one in Hawaii. Oh, that's Santa Fe one. Can you believe it only lasted one year? Yeah. (laughing) Hi, little. An industry joke. Yeah. (laughing) I get it. And that Hawaiian one was also like a real, who cares, jack-off look? Yeah, they know. Who the fuck's going on comedy shows? You live in paradise. They don't give a fuck. They just are like, but it was beautiful. It was a beautiful thing. Oh, you're telling me. Welcome back, Candace. (laughing) Remind us how long you've been doing stand-up, Candace? 13 years. 13 years. Where are at? All over, actually, all over the East Coast, I started in DC, then I did New Jersey, New York, then I did Tampa, Florida, and then I moved here. Yes. That's amazing. Thank you. There's a couple things I want to clear up. Can I have a moment? Okay. All right, so. You're clearing up things from previous appearances? Yes. Okay, how long ago was your last time on the show? About ballpark. No, I remember. It was June 2025. Perfect. Okay. That's June Dean, right? Yeah, no. Let's do it. Let's make our corrections here. There are some things up for us, Candace. All right, so two, it's only two things. So number one, I got really good feedback. They were like, oh, she was so funny, blah, blah, blah. But then no one could find me because no one spells my name, right? My name is spelled K-A-N-D-Y-C-E. Last name is August like the month. If you're looking for me online, please follow me. So that was number one. Number two, even though they said great things about my comedy that said horrible things about my appearance. They were so mean. They were just like, she's so fat that she have diabetes. I would like to say the last time I was on the show that was not me being fat, that was me being pregnant. I just had a baby. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Look at that. Red band. Red band, you can use that excuse every week. I have records. Yeah. I love it. You really just had a baby? He's two and a half months old. Okay. Congratulations. Thank you. You know who's it is? Huh? Red band. Red band. Red band. You can't just ask people questions like that. That's crazy. Red band. Could do. What happened to the Mexican dude? Hi, sir. What the fuck is going on over here? Do you know who the father is? Yes. Is that him? Yes, my husband. Is that the drummer? My husband. All right, perfect. I can't believe that people online were mean to a black woman. They were armed. Yeah. They're fast. They're mean to everybody. And it's a roasty show. Of course. I wouldn't take it to a person. No, they say some real wild stuff on it. Yeah. I know. But I know that one of the things that you do on the show is when people need to lose weight, you weigh them and then you invite them back with a weight loss challenge. That's true. And I'm ready if you want to do it. Really? Totally fucking ready. Yeah. I mean, you are wearing your jeans backwards tonight. No. You know the times are tough. That's the rule. I'll show you the buttons that are holding on for your life. What are the rules? Heidi, can we get a scale out here? Let's see what happens here. So, what is going to be the challenge? Like, how much do I need and when do you want me to come back? I mean, I'll give you six months. OK. And, well, let's see how much you have. And then it's a lot, it's a lot. And then we'll set both baby weight. So, understand that. Oh, still glowing. Thank you. Oh, thank you, Sam. Give it up for Sam. He's such a nice guy. I know you don't remember meeting me, but you were so nice every time. Actually, do you remember meeting you? Because we hung out in that bad restaurant in Santa Fe. We did? And your name is felt with a Y, which I also remember. Yes. And remember, you said it's pronounced Yucca, and I said it's pronounced Yucca. Yeah, and that's why we're not friends. Yeah. Now, I remember canned ice. That is true. Her name is felt with a K. Candace is on the scale. Let's see what we got here. What do you got here? 239. 239. Redban says that's what he weighs. There's not a chance in fucking hell. Redban weighs that. Redban famously lies about anything. He wants said that he could suck his own dick, because he's got a-- not only is he not. Flexible, but his dick is not big enough to reach that book. I was there. That was at the arena show, and he failed miserably. Do you think you weigh 239 or less? I weigh 239 this morning with clothes on. OK. What about this? No, I will bet $1 million right now that you come in over 239. Let's do this. No, that's what I was saying. Has anybody ever seen a live $1 million bet before? No. Anybody want to go live for a quick million? Million dollars, million for Tony. Tony's going to win. No fucking way. 249. So 249. That's 255. That's what I said 249. Last episode, we found out the skills about 10 pounds off. So you actually weigh about 229, probably. You think so? Yeah, yeah. No. No, remember last episode. No, it's been recalibrated. We recalibrated it. You want to get up there? See if you weigh less than 239. I'm a little bit nervous. I didn't shake on the bet, so it's not official. But I'm still guaranteeing 245 are higher here. No, I meant 249. 249. All right. No. In that case, I'm going to go 252. Just get up. Who is my guest, Candice? Read it when it pops up there. 242. Whoa! Still over 239 to pop back. I would have won the million. All right. I'm going to get on the stage. Whoa! Oh, my goodness. Damn talent. Are we at the gas? Are we at the gas? Are we at the gas? Whoa! 252! I was waiting for you. You want me at the gas? I'm going to turn it down. Whoa! 134! Come on! 134! What do you got, Tony? 128 pounds. 150, I think. 156! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Tony, you should have put my shoes on before you wait here. 166. 166, you guys all have just at least over 50 or 60 pounds. Yeah. Absolutely. You remember that, boy? Yeah. It's you! That's right. Candice, how's mom life going? Is that your first kit? It's my first. My very first. How is it? What have you learned? What surprises you? It's, it's a lot. Yeah. It is a lot. But she's perfect. She's perfect. She's half-black, half-Indian. I gave birth to a little Kamala. Oh, my goodness. She's gracious. Is that the character for Mortal Kombat? Yeah. New. She probably already talks better than Kamala. She's actually very smart. Very alert. You can see like she follows things with her eyes. She's only two and a half months. She's great. What a blessing. Yeah. Thank you. I love it. I love her so much. And the Indian dad is being a good dad. He's perfect. Yeah. So perfect. Watching her right now so I can come out here and follow my dreams. Right. Yeah, he's great. He's great. When the Indian dad holds her near his armpit, does she start to cry? No. No, Tony. He's no fantastic. No, Tony. He's no fantastic. Not being an asshole. No. All that. Gotta get some good Indian dad. No, he's perfect. What is he? Cherokee or Choctaw? Nope. No. Sometimes you don't know if it's the diaper or ham that smells like that. No. No. No. Oh. Red pants. Red pants. Red pants. Absolutely not. Fuck, y'all. He's perfect. He's wonderful. Amazing. And he works with computers and stuff. Yeah. Right? I mean, they all do. Yeah. That's, like, that's not even racist. That's, like, fact. Am I correct? Or they're doctors. Well, I mean. He actually has an accounting degree. Yeah. Okay, but what does he do for work, though? He works at a debt consolidation company helping people get out of debt. On a computer. Yeah. Okay. Everything's on a computer, sir. And did he clear up your debt? Yeah. I don't know how you met. I assume, you know. I don't have any. Because I'm with him. And he's really good with money because he's an accountant. Yeah. Hell yeah. Amazing. Well, Candace, we're looking forward to seeing you in six months. Yeah. Well, so you're 239 now? What seems reasonable for six months? Sam, you're a weight loss master. What do you think is fair yet? You know what? I feel like if you were able to lose 20 pounds in six months, that's a great step forward in your progress to your And I'm gonna jump in here because it seems 20 is a little easy for me. That's what you think you a hundred and eight pounds Yeah, yeah, let's go boys in your pocket You never had to lose a pound in your life Tony. You don't know what you're talking about I used to cut wait for wrestling I used to wrestle I used to wrestle with man Best days of my life was it hard to come from 115 to 112 I did it time and down to 103 when I was a freshman I had to come from 325 the 275 I played football at 325 enough to cut 50 pounds and like it's insane Sam how much of you lost total cuz you were way bigger when I saw you. Oh, thanks I'm a human being Is what I'm saying. Thank you. Well, I was pregnant when we met I've lost I've lost I think based on that. That's 96 pounds. Wow That's more than my fiancee ways. I know Incredible. Oh, the book was great by the way. I read it. Thank you. Thank you, but that's amazing Almost a hundred fucking pounds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I want to get down to like 115 That's who you're like six four. I'm gonna get back to my birth weight So Candace let's have some fun with this you're 239 today. Yeah coming back in six months. I think we set it at 215 that's 25 pounds. Let's set it at 25, but let's add a little a little something one million. Let's say What do we have? I know what I want to win, but go ahead. What do you want to win? I would like to win. I just want to be a part of the show I would like to win. What? I'm not up They're auditioning for black drummers I would like one of two things for both you tell me okay Either a golden ticket or a spot at Madison Square Garden. Okay, let's let's make a deal Here, let's make a deal because six months will be after Madison Square Garden. Okay, so that's impossible But let's do this if you lose 25 pounds I'll give you one more spot in addition where you won't have to sign up. Oh, beautiful But to make things exciting since you're 239 if by some fucking miracle you're able to get to 29 or less in six months under 200 pounds. Okay. Okay. I mean, I'm just saying it's not that hard and high Okay, but if you only eat steaks you'll actually do it So the steaks would actually be the path art. Okay. All right. What is it? I'm fucking ready if you get 199 or less I will put you up at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve Sold out arena here and not success a little fun weight loss challenge and you can do it I can definitely do it in the meanwhile ladies and gentlemen. Here's a big joke book for you Candace There you go. Now she's too forwarding with that joke book. Look out On the wrong direction. There she goes. Candace Bob everybody. Hell yeah All right, we're having fun up here. We're gonna keep it moving I want to hear for the lovely Heidi. Everybody's crushing it All right Your next bucket pole goes by the name of sea bass my tar everybody see bass my tar. Okay. Here he is Hey, what's up? What's up? What's up? All right, no gratitude here. No problem. That's the problem with people today. There's no fucking gratitude Anywhere I saw a guy with a forehead of hair say he had a bad hair day. I was like bitch I look like I drive a Honda C Harvey as a stepdad That's what people are missy man, and one of the things that I was gratefully blessed with was my dad had a heart transplant So every day he woke up was a grateful day, right? And I got this tattoo and remembrance of him and it says all this extra time That was my dad's motto. I had a Cuban guy tattoo it and I was like Meera and Manuel I don't want to see no silent H's in that bitch No deal does and I love it and I love everything it stands for but the only thing I'll regret is right Put it because it's on my right hand. I Got to go jerk off. I'm like poppy You already had your time, you know what I mean But it does stay true to something like that always told me said life's gonna get hard life's gonna get rough But if you need a hand I'll always be there for you and I was like God damn Not like that. Thank y'all my name is sea bass my right sea bass my tar. I kind of got lost there You said the dad had a heart transplant. Did he pass away? Oh, yeah, in 2013, but he lived 27 that's what I'm talking about red bag party time He lived 27 years extra with our transplant I was supposed to live five and he out lived the surgeon who gave it to him. So wow Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was supposed to be sterile had me seven years later So I surprisingly enough this tattoo on your right hand I had the exact same premise early on in comedy because I have 303 cuz I'm from Colorado Okay, so right so but when you jerk off it looks like wow, you know But if you but if you want to go I'm just remembering if you want to go fucking a south paw You flip it over treat yourself, and it says mom and that's crazy It's kind of the same thing, bro This one if you kind of look at it looks like thick and balls, you know what I mean? So it's always like my dad reminded me like my dick's bigger than yours, and I was like I guess that I guess well We're not doing tags, but very Great Mattara. Let's talk about it. Well, how long have you been doing stand up about eight years now closing in on year nine? Wow, where are my Amy for about four years and then over here for about another four years? Okay, how's it going good? Oh, yeah, it's going dope man I mean I love Austin. I love mainly like Texas all of Texas has shown me a bunch of love and I'm actually moving back to Miami next next Friday. So this was my last sign-up, and I got fucking pulled again That I was on here like two years ago, but okay, Texas must have been showing you a lot of love if you're moving That's my wife my wife and my mom. We needs the family there. They live here with you now My wife lives with me our family's live in Miami. My mom lives in Miami. What ethnicity are you Cuban Chileno? Chileno, yeah South American not Mexican. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We didn't say you were Yeah Tony said was a little you know, Carlos is birthday And it looks like you're ready to play horns with that How about the wife? What's the wife's ethnicity? She's full Cuban both parents Cuban She's a bit of a handful, right? Oh my god. Tell us about the Cuban wife. That's a real firecracker Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. She's a many times of you as she broken your glasses No, never that never never the glasses. No, no, we've never thankfully. I'm very blessed with my wife That and you have kids not yet we're working on it though definitely that's part of the reason why we're moving back to Miami Being around family trying to have kids either you can see when your family's there. That's right Especially in your in-laws house because that's where the fuck I'm going all right you're moving in with her parents Yeah, thankfully they got a bit we're not sharing like a small house I have a four-bedroom house. They're empty nesters. So we're gonna try to get our feet under us over there and then see what we do Very nice and she believes in you doing stand-up. She supports you. Yes, thankfully and did the in-laws supported? Have they ever seen you do a show? Yes, they're actually my biggest supporters I actually got a show lined up in Miami just a small little brewery show nothing crazy and they're already like You know buying tickets and telling other friends and everything so thankfully the whole family. Thank you I appreciate that. I appreciate this. Yeah, I think they're doing them in injustice What do you do for work? What do you do for a job? I'm actually a Game Show host. There's a place called Game Show Battle rooms just opened up in Austin Nationwide and I am a host for the game show. What the fuck are you talking about? It's it's like Game Show. It's just an escape room and you're ruining it for everybody. It's like a higher version of an escape room But yes right in that same ballpark. What a nightmare. Is that a tough gig for you? Not at all. It's fun. It's great. People have a blast I think I've seen this before I think I've seen an ad or a promo. Yeah, it's all over. I think it's all a cool idea Yeah, yeah, it's very dope. Honestly, it sounds very like Man, who's gonna come to this but when people go they like I've seen people walk in very like I don't want to fucking be here because it's a lot of team building and then when they leave they're like oh my god This is amazing. So it's a fun time. Incredible. I'll have to take your word for it You know what that sound means anyway Seabass what's another fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. I used to be a hype man for the Miami Dolphins Um, I actually came out on the Miami Herald is our local newspaper against the Cleveland Browns Back in 2016 J.A. J. Drowvin the game-winning touchdown I think it was an overtime and I came out of the Miami Herald like high-fiving him So that was that was dope man, you know, what does that have to do with you coming out? Yeah, you were married to a woman and you're gonna. Hey. Yeah. Oh All right now what? - What's Seabass, man? I didn't know that was a name. - It's Spanish, Sebastian's my name, and then Seowass is what everyone would call me Seowass Seowass, so then in Miami, 95% of the people speak Spanish, and Seowass just stuck, and it was Seabass. - Hm. - I thought it-- (laughing) - Well, we hope that you have a wild success in Miami, keep chasing your dreams, and have a good time. - Appreciate it. - Yeah, here's one last little joke, there you go, another little one. - Oh, that's the half-cube inside of me. I would've caught it if I was full-cube. - Yeah, the Chaleno would've caught it. - I sang that correctly? - Yes. - What are they known for, the Chalenos? I mean, I don't have any racist jokes. - Sorry, I cried. - And bananas. - All right. - Easter Island. - Okay, that's enough. - There he goes. One more time for Seabass to tar back to Miami, he goes. That should be a new part of the joke. You don't do good, you have to move to Miami. (upbeat music) - Oh, hello, I didn't see you over there. Just to let you know, this podcast is sponsored by Shopify, picture this. It's late at night and you're scrolling through your feeds. When all of a sudden you see it, that one product that you've been looking for, you click on the link, add to the cart, maybe even shop around a little bit more before finally hitting checkout. As you're filling in your address, you realize you don't have your cart anywhere near you. That's when you see it, that purple pay button that has all your information saved. Making checkout as simple as a tap of your screen. Red band. - Tony, I want to marry Shopify. It's the best business tool hands down. Get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. - Oh, yeah. And best, yeah, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise and everything. From managing inventory to international shipping, the processing returns and beyond. If you get stuck, Shopify is always around. Share advice with their award-winning 24/7 support. So see less carts go abandoned and more sales go (bell dings) with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/killtoney. Go to Shopify.com/killtoney. That's Shopify.com/killtoney. Go to Shopify.com/killtoney right now. (bell dings) - What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? It's the real California farm family behind it. Real people, real care, real intention. Why? Because real matters. So whether you're pouring milk, melting the cheese, or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt, keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk by real California farm families. All right, you're next bucket pool. Anything can happen, folks. Goes by the name of Austin Ingalls, everybody. We're gonna meet Austin all together. Here he is. How are you, everybody? - How are you doing? Thank you so much. I'm from the Midwest. My family's old fashioned is what you say when your family's still racist. (audience laughs) And all my friends are starting families of their own. And one of my friends, his kid has Asperger's ADHD and autism. I can never remember a little fucker's name, so I just call him Triple A. (audience laughs) I used to work at a prison for like three years and you meet a lot of interesting people when you work at a prison, employees as well. We worked with this one guy who would eat his own hair. And if you can believe it, he didn't crush it with the women. There was reason for that. He was into a child porn. Yeah, he got busted at his house with a computer full of child pornography. That was the last time I trusted a coworker with my laptop. (audience laughs) Thank you. I saw a homeless person outside holding a sign that said dying of AIDS. Could he use that sign before the blow job? (audience laughs) Thank you guys, I'm Austin Ingalls. Austin, Ingalls, everybody. - This is your first time on the show, Austin. - Oh, second. It's been a while. - What do we find out about you last time you were on the show? - Not much, I bomb the interview pretty hard. - Really? - Yeah. - Can you describe it a little bit better for us from now? - Matt Rife was on, I was one of the first times in comedy that I've had like an out-of-body experience and it was on this fucking show, so. - It happens. - It's pretty terrible. - Matt Rife does that. - Yeah, he's a handsome fella. - Beautiful. - That guy, yeah, out of my body. (audience laughs) - Usually he only does that to women though, but. - Hey. - Speak for yourself there. - I would never speak for you, Tony. - That's right. - Where in the Midwest are you from? - Like the Quad Cities Peoria area, Donnie Townsend. On your-- - Yeah, just put out Donnie Town, all right. I put out a special on my YouTube. - Yeah, on his YouTube. - That's interesting because I'll be in the Midwest, I'll be in Chicago, and Madison, and Grand Rapids. - Yeah, Peoria, I'm the Peoria's where I grew up. - I'm doing my plugs. - Sorry. (audience laughs) - No, but you're wearing the comedy cabin. That's a great club. - Yeah. - Yeah, dude, good for you. - Thank you. - So Austin, you really worked at a prison? - Yeah, for two and a half years in the Kiwani, Illinois, a very small town. - What did you do with the prison? - Correctional officer. - Wow. - Hated it. - Tell us something that was going on there. What did you learn that surprised you being a character? - They're murderers free in the street right now. They're like murdered people in the '80s, and they're just out now. - Well, tell us something we don't know. - Yeah. - Well, I didn't know that. - Yeah, until I worked as a-- - Like get probation and stuff. - Yeah, and one of them was about to die. He was like 85, and they're just like, yeah, you can just go, dude, just, there's a door. - He was a great worker, but yeah. - He told me he watched somebody's soul leave their body on PCP, and he's free now, so. - Okay, all right. - That was pretty cool. What are you doing for work now? - Door guy, stuff on Rainey Street. - No, there you go. - Ladies, maybe go one at a time. (audience laughs) - Fuckin' both of those. There's just two women walking side by side with each other, knocking over everything that exists. - Absolutely fuckin' idiots. - You ever seen anything crazy like that? - The room, everything for me, thanks ladies. - Literally. - Women can't even fuckin'-- if they'll hold on to each other to do anything in society. It's fucking unbelievable. Sorry that the stuff happening out there is more entertaining than you asked of it. But I mean, holy shit, I've never really seen anything like it. It took two or three drinks getting knocked over for it to get my attention, and then sure enough, there they are. Just holding on to each other through a tight alleyway. No tits at all. (audience laughs) Fuck yeah. You ever see a man get raped at your job? - Oh. (audience laughs) - Uh, a guy in a wheelchair. - Oh, I got an ambulance. - No, I'm gonna let that, I'm gonna let that. No, a guy in a wheelchair was getting raped by another retarded person on healthcare. - I didn't do it. I don't know why you're grinding at me, like, yeah. - I don't know why you had to say he was retarded. - He was though. - He's a rapist, but you don't have to go crazy. - He was, he was a wheelchair guy rapist. We don't have to cast a spursions. - Let me ask you this, this happened in the showers or something. - The healthcare area, yeah, back in the shower areas. Like, they have their own little cells. - Was the guy showering in his wheelchair? - He just couldn't move, so like, the retard would go in there and when a- - Jesus. - I mean, and you say it like you just watched it every day. (audience laughs) - Get the hose, Mikey's up to it again. (audience laughs) - I, uh. - We gotta put a bell on Jeff, his wheelchair's all over. (audience laughs) Oh, they're using the stoma. - Did you ever see this take place? - I didn't see it, no. - You never saw it. - I was in the healthcare area on first shift and apparently this was happening on third shift, so. - Got it. - I just missed it, so. (audience laughs) - Damn, just like the security camera outside of Epstein's cell. - Nope. - At least his ass has cleaned the wheelchair guys. His ass has brought, you know, the cleanest it would ever be. - Red van. - He didn't get washed by people. Red van's on to something there. He was getting washed and taking care of it. - But cleaning a baby at a sink, right? (audience laughs) - Yeah, if that, but yeah. - What do you do for work now, Austin? - Work at a place called Crazy Conscious on Rainy. It's like a door guy. So security, do some comedy shows there. - Okay. - And then just, you know, do spots around town, as much as I can. - All right, what else? You in love? Do you have a girlfriend? - No, I love all the Mexican restaurants. So, see a lot of beautiful Latinas, and I would love to get with one of those someday. - Have you ever been with the-- - All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Quit saying one of those then. - Yeah. - I'm gonna put you on some game, young blood, all right? Hey, I want them. Want it, you should suck me. - So you've been with a Latino woman. - Yes, I have, yes. - What have you noticed is different being with a Latino woman than a white woman. What is it about them that you think is psychologically fine-satisfaction? - You have to get that-- - They're loyal. I mean, they are loyal. Getting the corn skin off of the pussy, that's tough. To Molly, come on, Carlos. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, yeah. (audience laughing) - Oh, that's good. - They're loyal? That's your answer? - No, I mean, you know, like, they get psycho, and I like that. It was just, I was just hooking up with one, and she took it further, so, you know. - Like, what, what do you mean? - I went through my phone when I was asleep, and. - You just wanted your Netflix password? - Yeah. (audience laughing) - This is an actual thing that you can go through the history of Tony, and you will find out that Latino women go through your phone when you're sleeping. The little fun fact for you. - Tell us this, fuck. - I didn't have, it was a Tinder matchup. I didn't think that, I thought, we were both, you know, on the same playing field, but she took it further and, yeah, I went through my phone after, like, the second time hanging out. - When you say Tinder matchup, this was, like, a first date or something? - Second time hooking up. - Second time hooking up and she's already going through your phone. - Yeah, never really won a date. - Okay, red band, stick with the soundboard. - Stick with the fucking soundboard. There's a lot of buttons you could hit. - Look, look, look, turn up your volume. Look, there you go. There you go. Hit that one. It's a perfect time for that one. There you go. - She's right. - Then I found out she worked at McDonald's and she didn't bring me food. I wasn't happy about that. And then the whole night afterwards, yeah, it's when she went through my phone. - That's crazy. On the second hook up going. - Second hook up. Hit a match. - Yeah, that's what Latino women are like. - Did you eat the McDonald's before you had sex with her? - No, I didn't. I didn't find out until after. That's why I was mad. 'Cause I-- - Never used dead. - Yeah, should we? - Yeah, amazing. - Well, I don't sound great in that situation, but-- - Yeah. Austin, sometimes. Here you go. - Thank you, sir. - Austin, appreciate it. - Thank you guys. - All right, let's have some fun in here right now. We have one of our newest golden ticket winners who is an absolute fucking machine ready to go. Very funny man. We love him. You're gonna love him. He's getting spots. He just recently got passed here at the mothership from being seen by the talent coordinator at Amiga. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the great Pat O'Neal, everybody. Here he is. Very funny, Pat O'Neal. (audience cheering) Folks, thank you. My son just came out as trans. Well, she didn't call my son anymore. (audience laughing) Now that he's dead to me, they got him on puberty blockers or as pedophiles call him preservatives, fucking. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Miracle medicine. The other day, my job was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets. I work in a circus. And. (audience laughing) He goes, "There's people choosing to do that!" (growling) Fucking calm down, Tyrion, you bigot. You there, sir, let me ask you, what do you call a little person with ADHD? That's right, a fidget. Good answer. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings, the ultimate puberty blocker. And. (audience laughing) You know, these shootings are often done by the same race, I'm looking at you, honkies. (audience laughing) White kids need to learn from their black classmates and save the shootings for after school. (audience laughing) For them, it's the next for curricular activity. Okay, thank you. (audience cheering) What? (audience cheering) Pat? Oh, Neil. Thank you. Every fucking line was a punch line, bro. That's how stand up should be. That's very good. Jokes. Yes, jokes, man. No, no waste fucking opportunity to get a laugh out of these people, bro. You respected their time. That got me fired up, dude. That was fucking sick. Above and beyond. Me too. I forgot how good it could be. That is like not only the set of the night so far, but I mean, that's like some of the best material I've heard period in a long time. Fucking love you, Pat. Preservatives. Preservatives is sick, and then you call back to it, like three jokes later in a one minute set. Like, dude, just wait a go, bro. It's amazing. I think it's a good crowd, too, who wants some candy? Whoa. You on and on, too. Oh my goodness. Look at that. I just got a cannon on him. Pat, what's your writing process? How much material do you think you have if you were to do the longest set possible? And yeah, I'll follow that up with another question. I mean, I can do-- there's only so many black and trans jokes you can do in one set, right? So minute by minute on this show quite a lot. But I've done like 40 minutes before when I actually has to be like-- How about different topics? Per week, if you had to guess or so or per month, how many new minutes that you like, do you think you're writing? I do like 15 new jokes a week, and then like three or four-- OK. You know what I'm going to do, Pat, right now, is something that I've never done in the show's history. Right now, if you want it, you can have it. You're the first person ever. I do believe elevated from a golden ticket winner to a full-time regular. You're good. [APPLAUSE] Yeah, that's a promotion, a live promotion in real time. Yeah. Pretty amazing. You got to reward that shit, man. Yes, dude. I want to see it. I want to see it every week. Dude, I have like hosts on the road who do like the same amount of jokes you did in like a 10-minute set, bro. Yeah. Like, keep this shit coming. Yeah. Yeah, you could be one of the true greats. How old are you? 30 and a half. Fuck yeah, man. 30. They always laugh. I know, it's unbelievable. [LAUGHTER] You look like Beavis Ann butthead. You are so built for this. I've said it every time since the first time I saw you. I mean, you are just a true comedian, and now we're going to get to see you every week on the show. Welcome. Your life just got a little bit crazier. Welcome to the family. One more time for Pat O'Neill, everybody. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. That's how you do it. It's that easy. You're fucking absolutely destroyed. You get rewarded. If you just do OK, you don't. If you do bad, you get made fun of. And then you're embarrassed and then you leave. It's a very simple show. If you're unbelievable, I want to see more. Of you. It's like common sense. Anything can happen. You guys still having fun out there? Big sub noise to your next bucket pool. I mean, again, this could be the future. Anything can happen. Big sub noise for X-Shay, femurat, bim-bim. Our X-Shay, bim-bim. Hell yeah. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. We've been doing a lot of drugs and dwelling on my traumas. And mushrooms showed me that my biggest trauma was learning that Santa Claus was not real. But here's the thing. When you think about Santa, when you're on mushrooms, you realize they've been talking about Santa for thousands of years. And they're going to keep talking about Santa for thousands of years. Yet I'm only going to live for like 80 years. So in a way, isn't Santa more real than me? [LAUGHTER] So here's my question. If Santa is not real, and I'm less real than Santa, then why did it feel real when he molested me at them all? [LAUGHTER] Our traumas ground us in the physical reality. [CHEERING] Thank you. OK, that's a bim-bim. What a spooky final line to say. [LAUGHTER] Here at the comedy show. Spooky is a good adjective for the styles of Akshay Bim-Bim. Welcome. Thank you. Welcome, Akshay. We met your black wife earlier. How's being a father going for you? [APPLAUSE] I was like, I'm going to say it. I'll roll with it. No, you're good. Which he lovely. She was so lovely. Akshay. How long have you been on stand-up? I've been all in since COVID, but it's been around a decade. OK. Where have you been doing it at? I started in New York, New York City. When I left Wall Street, I moved to LA. OK. Awesome. And then I moved with my band from LA to Austin. Your band? Yes, sir. It's the name of your band. The ancient asses. Ooh. Wow, I'm surprised I haven't heard of you. Red band, you're going to have a hard time googling that with your search history. [LAUGHTER] That's it. You're going to have to close some tabs. [LAUGHTER] Wow. That is amazing. The ancient asses. To ease. Sick. To ease. Be just. Do the music you guys do. We're going with post-psychedelic. Is the genre where we're rolling with it? Yeah. We're on your website that you are a drummer. Is that true? I am, the drummer, yes. It's amazing. You know, actually, and I don't even think-- I don't know if you know this, Justin Heitz. I don't know if you know this. Do you know about this? There's a part of the show every once in a great while, once every 10 episodes or so. When we find out someone's a drummer, they have a drum solo off. Are you down to do this? All right, Justin Heitz is down. [APPLAUSE] Put the mic in the mic stand there. We're going to hear a little drum solo from Akshay, who I'm guessing is going to play the drums with his bare hands. I don't know if it looks like that. Well, there's no Mexican here. So this is our first ever not Mexican drum off. This is our first ever Indian black drum off, everything. here we go this is very exciting very good red band very good all right ladies and gentlemen the first ever Indian black drum up here he is actually big big wow all right actually yeah well yeah no let's do it Sam you know what Justin before you get back there because I believe here come this way real quick we're going to get to you in just a second because I do believe that in this crazy world that we live in I'm gonna I'm betting that Sam Talon can actually beat actually been bet in this drum up ladies and gentlemen this is our first ever Indian white black drum up that's right the first time you've ever heard that sound effect before that is terrorist with a friend's theme and baking soda ladies and gentlemen here to beat actually actually step back here with Justin's that the cameras can get Sam Talon defeating you in your own thing that you do supposedly ladies and gentlemen Sam Talon on the drums fuck yes unbelievable I sing on the cake ladies and gentlemen make some noise to the great Justin Heights Justin let's bring this party home even though we without a doubt without a doubt Sam Talon just beat actually but actually we're gonna have talent in his last names we're we're gonna bury you one more time ladies and gentlemen this is just in heights oh yeah yes unbelievable and that is your first ever Indian black white drum off everybody won except for you Akshay pretty amazing I'm just happy to be here I love it I love it Akshay what were you doing on Wall Street I traditional investment banking and that you didn't like that right I got my solid decade in and okay time to move on you made good money I did okay yeah did you save it I did say and you still have some yes so you get to live your dreams you get to play music you get to do comedy I'm wearing cool outfits thank you thank you yeah yeah pursuing comedy and music is pretty much all I do and trying to get it all off the ground I love that I love that what else Akshay do you have a job now or are you just going off your savings I'm just going off savings nice very cool thank you how much do you have left enough to be present right now can I guess and you tell me hire a lower you're gonna be shot that would not be a fun game for me now yeah but it's fun for the the millions of viewers you already had two drummers beat me and I just go easy on there actually I was gonna guess I was gonna guess five hundred and fifty thousand dollars is it higher it's less than that oh damn five hundred and forty five thousand but I don't need much more to be happy so that is true that's a good point what makes you happy what brings you great joy other than comedy and playing music give us one more fun fact about action I've been digging shepherding lessons with my dog learning to become a shepherd talking yeah yeah yeah yeah you should have led with this okay you're a nomadic what kind of things are you gonna shepherd um well goats is all I'm sorry not goats sheep is all the training facility has so I got too excited for this and what kind of dog is he is a blue healer oh yeah yeah name is Wiley and he's adorable but we'll fuck you up yes he will I have a once uh yeah we once had a friend that had a blue healer and uh this was all very long time ago and yeah that dog was a ruthless yeah to say the least did you call him blue healers we call them blue tick healers right grew up I actually just bought him a shock we're talking okay sorry I'm trying to get down to the reason differences and dog names so no what were you saying I'm very sorry you killed him now might move on no no we can I don't think I did you know why they called them healers no I actually felt because they put your heal yeah yeah that's what they do you knew that right I did know that and I actually bought him a shock collar and no kidding I was inspired by Timmy no breaks his performance yeah legendary to make that happen to get the nip out I live with my bandmates and one of the dog does not does not like one of my bandmates so why what do you think it is about that bandmate that the dog doesn't like I don't know I think he as he tried maybe a scene into his past life and doesn't approve I don't know that's about all I can think she look a pisan a shock collar you might like that okay oh weird kink I don't know about sure okay dokie there's red band again on the mic please all right actually anything else crazy we should know about you you have a girlfriend no girlfriend okay you in the women I am into women what's your type of woman you could have anyone what would it be well apparently lack all right all right okay now why why do you have this affection for the for the ebony goddess because it was bestowed upon me by you guys so actually here's a little brown joke just like you a little brown joke actually bimbit thank you till Tony debut and the show just keeps moving along thank you we're welcome actually there he goes everybody one more time for akshay everyone all right your next bucket pool is it easy to say name after akshay bimbit it's spelled very hard this one's easy Joe jacks everyone makes a noise for Joe jacks what's up dogs I was watching for scump the other day for my gunpads it I don't know I just had this thought when I was watching the movie is a you know the part of the movie it's like a guy like goes through history he's like slow he doesn't know what's going on I thought it'd be really funny if forest gump was involved a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea you know it's like I went to the woods with my new friends all the sudden we was dressed as ghosts they started burning a big tea and I left it's I got hot it's fucking Vietnam Ltd. is like waterboarding Vietnamese villagers forced in the corner like I guess they was thirsty mama said bubba was it fuck yeah Joe jacks welcome to the show show your first time on right yes sir welcome how long you been on standup like seven years ish we're at starting orlanda my boy my boy came or my boys is New York now yeah yeah started on orlanda came in as public uniform I don't know I just want yeah how are you I'm 26 okay 26 I know I look like a lesbian I can't grow beard but I look like tig Nataro I thought you were very nervous when you came out but you totally landed it you know yeah yeah good work yeah very comfortable very cozy it makes sense you started at 19 yeah yeah and I was even cuter back then bro I know I'm cute as fuck now but it was you know saying curse words on stage they love it all right Joe um what do you what do you do what do you do for work I I'm like a blue collar ask I hang blinds like job sites you hang blinds yeah good thing de madness isn't here right that would be terrible that'd be horrendous boy he chose the right time to go pee wow how long you been hanging blinds for only a few months there's I'm still earning my you know my man status how do you get into the hanging blinds business you just get a footstool and let's go to work for a foot ladder I think their dog just beat you one too many times (laughing) - I mean, I am an alpha male. - Joe, you're rubbing off on me. (laughing) Now, Joe, with the blinds, are you enriched people's homes quite often? - Not really, it's just like construction size and stuff. We're the finishers, so we get air conditioning and shit. It's pretty tight. I mean, it is blue collar, and I feel like a man when I say that on dates, but really it's like the easiest, the easiest shit I could be doing. - That's great. It's good that you found a job like that. How often are you going on dates? - I mean, I was in a little bit of a non-pussy-getting era. And now I'm back, dude, I gotta go. - Okay, let's talk about the difference between a non-pussy-air and a pussy-getting era. - You know, like, like Spooning Woman's an expert. (laughing) - Yeah. - Spooning your pillow, thinking about your ex, and then the non-pussy-getting era is like, you know, like every couple of weeks, it's like something new. - Okay, so you're on like dating apps and stuff like that? - Yeah, use hinge, it's not great. You know, I wanna meet someone real life. - Go to a bowling alley with $100. - Bowling alley. - Yeah, you walk in there with like a cool chain, maybe a swinging pair of sunglasses, you know? (laughing) - Yeah, maybe you're black and good at drums, too. That'd be-- - I don't know. - Have a little rhythm. - I can't imagine going up to a stranger. - Why, you went up to a bunch of strangers, and you did the job. - And being horny to you, that's like-- (laughing) - I want to see what it's like. I want to see you talk to a woman. I want to see what it's like when you talk to, 'cause you're so comfortable on stage. - Oh, so shorty. - I can't believe I can't even sense this. - Where's Heidi? Can we get Heidi up here? - Heidi. - Let's see what happens if he tries to look Heidi right in her eyes, because that's where we all look when Heidi's around, right in her eyeballs. - You're supposed to look at me. - No, I'm already here. - Tony, why are you doing this? - Get a little spotlight, Kino. Come on, Joe, go for it. - Are you from Tennessee? - No, I grew up in Wisconsin. - Fuck, I ruined the rest of this. 'Cause you're the only ten eyes, see? - Oh, she did. - Oh my dogs. - No, you got a role with Wisconsin. She gave you Wisconsin to work with. What would you say if she said Wisconsin? - Wisconsin is nuts, no. (laughing) - Oh, Jesus. - I mean. - Now what I expected out of this. - No, Heidi, when you hear that, are you soaked immediately? - Dripping, what? - Fuck, you guys took my phone. - I was gonna get the Instagram, dog. No, I mean, I'm sensitive and shit, what's up? - There's no thing about you that's just so charming. I can't, like, put my finger on it, though. - What's your pronoun, shorty? (laughing) - She, her. - It's taller than you do. - Yo, yo, I'm trying to she them titties, dude. (laughing) - Did you go home and practice this? You're actually so good. - I told you, I get a lot of positive. (laughing) - It's incredible. He's really coming out of his shell. - I said, did I mention blue collar? (laughing) Y'all, you need your curtain's hunger. (laughing) - You can hang my curtains any day. - Wow, look at that. (cheering) Oh my goodness. - I love you. - Wow, absolutely. - Amazing. What a first moment. - Are we gonna start dating right now? - Hey, I'm looking for love, dude. I'm out here, how old are you? - I'm 10 years older than you. - Perfect. (laughing) - That's awesome. Yeah, let's hang out for this, what you do? - Look at it. - Right now I'm on Kill Tony. - No, after, there's a bar of mama dearest here. (laughing) - I don't drink. But. - Get out of here, bro. Who's dead? (laughing) - Wow, look at that. (upbeat music) - Amazing. - I'm serious. (laughing) - Amazing, how about a hand to the lovely Heidi, everybody? Unbelievable, she's the fucking best. (laughing) - She checked out her website, HeidiArgina.com. - Now Redbine, Heidi sat on the table if you wanna smell it. - I will. - He will be right after the show. - Watch 'em walk out in here, ladies and gentlemen. A fun fact for those of you that get to linger during the end of the show, you know. - D Madness comes floating through the curtains like a cartoon smelling a pie. - D, no. This guy hangs blinds. He hangs blinds, D, no. (cheering) This guy says he hangs blinds, D Madness. What do you think about that? - I don't like it. (laughing) - I don't like it. - Go get him out of here. (laughing) - So very fun times. You did very good, very amazing interview. Everything went absolutely perfect. You're 19, I mean, you're 26. You started at 19. I don't think anything can stop you, dude. Just keep fucking, keep at it. There he goes. - Yo, Jack. - You saw him here first. - Appreciate it. - The fun frame keeps moving along. - That was really funny. - Yeah, that was really funny. - He was great. - A quick improviser, Heidi's great, he was great. - Hi to your dream. - She really is. - Hi, Heidi. - Hi, Heidi, everybody. - A beloved, beloved part of the kill, Tony. - She always gets turned down by guys. It's so sad. - Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals at the Home Depot. It's time to fire up summer cookouts with the next grill for Burner Gas Grill on Special Buy for only $199. And entertain all season with the Hampton Bay West Grove seven-piece outdoor dining set for only $499. This Memorial Day get low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot. Plus plus last price in Dodd, May 14th of May 27th, US Only Exclusion Supply, see Home Depot.com/pricematch for details. - All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Aaron and McFierce and everybody, Aaron and McFierce. (upbeat music) - Damn, all right. (audience laughing) I'll hold on. (audience laughing) All right, it's your boy, the pipe layer, the motherfucking throat slayer. It's the immaculate Pimp, no draws, man. (audience laughing) And I'm here to fuck. (audience laughing) But not just anybody in particular. I got a thing in particular for disgusting bitches. Yeah, the nasty of the better. Like a bitch, if you go to the gym, I don't want it. But if you could be on my 600 pound life, now that's my kind of bitch. And you know what I do? They give you money, man, that's why. I'm also known as Doos Bigelow, the American Negro Jigalow. (audience laughing) Be charging $250 a pump. Got lifting big ass legs up and shit. I'm trying to get swole. You'll see, when you like these disgusting things, sometimes you forget to turn off your Bluetooth. You know, and then you be doing your thing, 30 seconds into the video, you're like, "Fuck, ain't no sound." Then you hear a car door slam. You're like, "Oh shit." One new way, more of the story is, "Fuck it, I'm Aaron McPherson, thank you." All right, Aaron McPherson. We had David Jolly, now we have David Millen calling. Yeah, there he is. With no hesitation, when he came out, Red Band called him Fat Kanye. He whispered in my ear, he goes, "Oh, Fat Kanye." And he's-- - I've heard him in the songs. - It's pretty amazing, Red Band. - Whoopie, whoops. - Welcome to the show, Aaron. I have so many questions for you. Let's start here. How long have you been on standup? - About six years now. - Okay, we're at Detroit, Jacksonville, Atlanta. - No, I'm out from Kansas, man. - Whoa. - Yeah. - I was 5,000 guesses away from Alan. What do you do, why Kansas? - That's why I was born, shit. I don't know. - Where in Kansas? - Winfield, and then I used to do it out of Wichita. That's why I started. - Now where are those places? - Exactly, one's got an airport. Wichita told the other one, I live 45 minutes south of that in the country. - What are you doing in the country? - Shit, hunting shit. I used to ride some pigs once upon a time. But now I live here, though, so hey. Okay, so, Aaron, let's talk about your choice of women. You said that you would be into a 600 pound bitch. - I do believe you, sir. - Where do you find these women at? Where do you find these big bitches? - Shit, it's your local country bar or something, you know? - Okay, and have you been with some in Austin? How long have you been here? - For about four years now. - In Austin? - Yes. - Okay, and you go to your local country bars and you find big white-- - Hell no. - Oh, no. - I just do it for the love of the money. - For the love of the money? - Yes. - Like the OJs. Famous artist out of the state of Ohio that wrote the song for the love of money, it was the theme song of the apprentice. Donald Trump bought the rights to it in order to save money 'cause he thought the show was going to get picked up many times and it did, smart move. Anyway, Aaron McTearson, let's get back to it. - So, you do, like the last big woman you were with, where'd you find her at? - I said on Facebook dating. - Oh, hell yeah, that is, a fun fact, that is the app for 600 pound bitches. - That and Facebook marketplace, yeah. Yeah, that's true. - Facebook dating. - Yes. - Oh, that date in Ohio? (audience laughing) Okay, so tell us, Aaron, what are some of your favorite things about hook amp with a bigger woman? - Should they pay me some money? Should everything can be used? - Oh, you're talking about like fucking a flap or something? - So you never know, man, I don't know. - Back of a knee or something? - Should it happen? But they request these things. - They what? - They request these things. - Okay, like what? Or some requests that you've gotten? - For me in the back of my knee. - Okay, all right. - Do you lube it up? - No, I'm gonna put some chicken grease in there, shit. - Aaron, you are a wild guy. What do you do for work? - Should I valet? - Oh my God. I'd love to hand you my keys. (audience laughing) - Wow. - Well, valet, I grill some chicken and shit. - You what? - Be grilling some chicken and ribs and shit. - You grilled chicken and ribs? - I was just selling some tonight, yeah. - You were what? - I was selling some. - You're selling chicken and ribs? - Just chicken today, no ribs. - Where are you selling this chicken out of exactly? - Shit, at the back of the bar over around the way. - You're making chicken and selling it tonight out of the back of a bar? - Yeah, it's sold out already. You know all the other conversations. - You sold out of chicken tonight. You made chicken out of the back of a bar. - No, I didn't make it out of the back of a bar. I brought it, I already grilled it. - You grilled that at home? - Yeah, and I brought that at home. - Come here to be on Killtony or to sell chicken outside of Killtony. - Both, nigga shit, I'm trying to keep paying. (audience laughing) - I love it, I love the hustle. (audience laughing) - Barbecue chicken and what kind of chicken you got? - Yeah, barbecue chicken. All the other, yeah. I make the best motherfucking barbecue chicken in all of Austin, Texas. - What? (audience cheering) - This is incredible. You are a true walking stereotype. This is amazing. (audience laughing) - No, you said barbecue chicken. - Yeah, not fried, I think the traditional reason. (audience laughing) - I don't fuck with fried chicken. - You don't fuck with fried chicken. Tell us about that. Why do you not fuck with fried chicken? - I'm trying to watch my figure, man. - So you're sticking with-- - You look greasy, you know what I'm saying? - You're sticking with grilled chicken. - Yeah, grilled chicken, it's a little bit healthier. - Wow. - Sugar-y barbecue sauce. (laughs) - Red ban actually looks at the details of everything. - Yeah. - And he knows that there's sugar in barbecue sauce. He learned this because of his doctor's advice. I'm sure. - Weight watchers. - There you go. All right, Aaron, it's an interesting interview. How many times have you ever been arrested? - No, no. - Are you saying that just so you can maintain your chicken license? - Shit, license. - We're not gonna tattle. - License? (laughs) Fuck is that? - Can you walk us through a bit of like your chicken preparation process? - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, where do you buy the chicken from originally? - Shit, H-E-B. - Okay. - We love H-E-B. (laughs) We love H-E-B around here. All right, so you buy the-- how much chicken do you buy at once? - Shit, I just bought three packs tonight. - Three packs. - And then some slight cheap, yeah. - And then what kind of barbecue sauce are you using? - Famous Dave's. - Famous Dave's barbecue sauce. You ever use sweet baby rais? - Yeah, I have, but not good for the barbecue. No, I don't like it. - It's not good. - Different dipping. - What can you describe the difference for our black fan base? What the difference between famous Dave's and sweet baby rais is exactly? Can you describe it? It's one little more bowl. There's savory or sweet. Famous Dave's just tastes better. - Okay. - Yeah, I don't know, yeah. - This is the worst plug ever. - That's probably, yeah. Famous Dave, it's just better. It tastes better. They actually use, I don't know, it just, sweet baby rais for white people, man. - And that's what you're talking about. - Oh, Famous Dave's is an actual rest. - All right, okay, well, you know. - I always think sweet baby rais is more of a rib type application there. We meet in the middle here? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We can meet in the middle. - We're not so different, you and I. (audience laughs) - The nation's healing right now, this is. - Yes, it is. - Yes. All right, Aaron, you are leaving here with me. I only have one of these, it's a black medium chokebook. There you go, pal. There you go, it's Aaron McPherson. (audience applauds) The reviews of Famous Dave's barbecue sauce are absolutely amazing. They are all five star reviews. Isn't that incredible? Have you ever seen anything that has all five star reviews? Is there a single one star review on Famous Dave's? There is, let's see what that looks like. Wait, what? You have to log in. - Why are you looking at your phone when your laptop's open? - Oh, he's not logged into Amazon. They don't let you see one star reviews. We're doing a little digging to find out what kind of human being could possibly complain about a barbecue sauce. Oh, there's no one star, but there is one two star. - This is Russian bots for sure. - Oh, wow. Look at that. All right. - Hey, Tony, I love you, but I think that was probably the worst moment in the history of the show. - Well, you'd be surprised. We have had some amazing moments reading and reviews of things in the past, but it turns out that people just hit two star and didn't leave a review at all. And I'm guessing Sweet Baby Ray got online. And you left that review. All right. All right, here we go. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, makes some noise for Paul and everybody. Paul M. (upbeat music) - So I don't know why women get all upset when you ask them to make them sandwich. It's not that hard. It's not like we're asking ladies to smoke as a brisket. (audience laughs) Takes time in patience. Claudies of which, no women possesses. So, black people can't get lice, just so you know. Like, 97% of the cases are like white people, which makes sense if you think about it, 'cause if I was a parasite, I wouldn't have to feed off an inferior blood either. (audience laughs) I'd only want the best, and the peer is blood for my family. (grunts) My name is Paul Mendoza. I am from Napa, California. It's a very beautiful place, filled with beautiful people. Very low crime. A lot of people know Napa is the wine country. Well, they don't know that it's Nacronum. It stands for no African people allowed. (audience laughs) But we do allow the Mexicans, you know, the grapes aren't going to pick themselves. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) All right, great band, thank you. A lot of ooze and aes, but you know what? I kind of liked it. (audience laughs) Paul M, welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been to and stand up, my friend? One month. One month. (audience cheers and applauds) Oh, they are? I've heard all those jokes before. Oh, I didn't, I don't know. All right. If you heard those jokes before, yeah, for sure. The thing about a tick stone, going black people. I mean, I don't know who the fuck you been hanging out with, but I've never heard that before. You know, it's a big place and there's a lot of big ideas, you know. I mean, I'm sure, I'm not arguing with it. I'm just, you've heard that joke before, right, Red Band? Yeah, yeah. I'm, I didn't know that. What do you guys, racistjokes.com? I've never, yeah. What are we gonna do at it? I grew up in rural Colorado. I heard them all. (audience laughs) And I wrote a couple of the best ones. Paul. So, Napa, brisket, sandwich, brisket thing. What's your writing process like, Paul? What made you want to start stand up? Oh, okay. I don't know. I just kind of like going on stage and making ass myself. Oh, yeah. You've been having fun doing it? Oh, yeah. How old are you? I'm 40. What have you been doing? Jesus, wow. (audience laughs) What? Okay. You look like one of the guys from Ed Ed and Eddie all grown up. (audience laughs) Racist hack. (laughs) What have you been doing with your life up until this point? I ran a dog kennel for like 20 years. A dog kennel? Yeah. Okay. What made you get into the dog kennel business? I dropped out high school and just went to trade school to become a dog rumour and a trainer. And that's just what I did. All right, craziest thing about your life is that we would find surprising Paul M. Oh, absolutely nothing, I gotta have it. Perfect. There he goes, Paul M. There he goes. We're gonna keep moving along here. We're gonna just fly through it. Thank you, Paul. Oh, yeah. You know, just keeps moving along. They are good jokes. I'm not arguing that. Hey, I mean, I don't know. I just didn't, I just haven't heard it. I don't know. We're gonna keep moving along. He's a month in, you know, who knows? Maybe it'll get better. Just don't steal jokes, that's all I say. Yeah, obviously, definitely don't steal jokes. Right. You heard the napkin thing before. Oh, yeah. Jeez. I can't believe it. Here, I mean, if you guys weren't here, I would have given them a golden ticket. Yeah. All right, your next bucket bull goes by the name of Sammy Smith, everyone's Sammy Smith. (upbeat music) - What's up, you filthy fucking animals. (audience laughing) It's 2026, guys, okay? If you're making good financial decisions in 2026, man, you a bitch, okay? All right, listen, let me tell you how something, money's digital, and life is perspective. If I pull my bank account up right now, and I cover up that little hyphen, man, I'm rich as fuck. (audience laughing) I ain't shit you can tell me. Yeah, I'm broke, and I'm not broke because I go to the strip club, but I do go to the strip club even though I'm broke, you know? You know, when I go to the strip club, I go with a smooth $40, yeah. But it's $20 to get in. So when I go to the strip club, I got $20. And a lap dance is about $40. So when I go to the strip club, I'm looking for a bargain. Yeah, I walk in that bitch like I'm Indian. I'm looking for a very good deal. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience applauding) All right, Sammy Smith. Racism can be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's not bad, not bad. Yeah, good work, man. Sammy, how old are you? I am 25, I'm about 26. Okay, how long have you been on standup? Two years. Two years, all of it here in Austin? No, I started in Columbia, South Carolina. And then it was the scene out there real small. So I was like, I was like, fuck you. I was going through some things that time. I was broke, he's a bitch. I was landscaping. I was like, fuck you. I decided I was going to live in my car. I was driving a 2001 Ford Focus. It was a two doors, a tiny fucking car. And I was like, I'm living this shit. I went to Orlando, Florida. I lived in my car out there for like a month to just like test it out. And then I came out here and I was having a blast in Florida being homeless, but then when I came out here, I was like, yeah, this shit don't, you know, I hear the market is saturated. Yeah. Too much competition. Very good. You are correct. Wow. So can you tell us the difference between, can you explain it to the people? Because they don't all know what the difference is being homeless in Orlando and homeless in Austin is like. Well, Orlando's right in the middle of Florida. So like, and I'm living in my car. So I can go anywhere. I was living on the beach man going to Daytona, going to Tampa, you know, Orlando, it's fun. And you know, people in Orlando, they're having people in Florida in general having so much fun. Everyone's kind of homeless out there, you know what I mean? In spirit. Everyone's spiritually homeless in Florida. Nobody goes to Florida to find themselves, you know? [LAUGHTER] Yeah. And my sister lived out there, so it was convenient. Shout out, Sophie. [LAUGHTER] With her name, Sophie? My sister's name is Sophie. My sister's name is Sophie, and my name is Sam. Oh, right there. Whoa, yeah. This is incredible. Do you hate her too? No. Oh, no, I'll play. Yeah, she's all right. Wait, your sister, mine. Oh, well, I hate yours now. Come on. Hey, I'll fuck yours, you fuck mine, bro. It was-- Whoa, look at that. It's a good deal. She does, you are her style. I'll say that. Oh, right off, right off. You-- yeah, your skin is the right tone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you. She's happily married to a black guy, though, so. All right, man, we can change that. Oh, come on, Sam. Come on, man. I'm a sister. How about that? I'm a-- I'm going to fuck you, Sammy. I'm sorry. All right, any time, bro, can I get a spot? You know, I can't open for you. I don't fuck anything. You can open it off stage. Oh, shit. Oh, OK. Now I'm there. Now I-- You're doing good. Sammy, you're a very naturally funny young man. Tell us more about your life. Your-- my life? Oh, man, I've-- I feel like I've lived in multiple. I'm very young, but I've lived a lot of places, you know, I've had a lot of jobs. I didn't go to college, because that's retarded. Correct. Yeah, I-- What jobs have you done? Well, when I first moved to a-- when I moved to America, when I was 16-- I don't-- from England. What? Yeah. These people say anything nowadays and not get picked up. No, this isn't-- like, I lived a weird-- I had a weird childhood. How'd you end up being born in England? I wasn't born in England. I was born in Malaysia. OK. See went from Malaysia to England. And then England to America, what was the-- Yeah, kind of. So my earliest memories were in Atlanta, Georgia. I was like, yeah. I think I started like-- I think I was like conscious at like four years old, because I don't remember anything before them, but I was in Atlanta. And then my family, we lost our green card. So we moved to Trinidad. Trinidad and Tobago, it was a good time, you know? Yeah. I lived there for like three years. Parents got divorced. I moved to England with my dad, my brother, my mom, my sister. They moved to South Carolina. When I was 16, I moved to South Carolina. And yes, South Carolina sucks, man. I'm sorry. I love-- I got love-hate relationship with South Carolina. What made you move at 16 to South Carolina? So I was living off a teacher, because the boarding school I was going to close down. The boarding school? I was-- no, no, no. [LAUGHTER] So I was in boarding school. And the boarding school closed down. But my dad wasn't in England at the time. He was supposed to finish school out there. I lived with a teacher. And then-- I had a guy or a girl. The teacher. Oh, the teacher was a woman. OK. One of those teachers was-- No, no, no, no. She had a family and shit. OK, she was-- She had a family and shit. Yeah, she worked at the boarding school. And she knew that I had to finish secondary school out there. So she was like, you can finish your last year with us. Did you ever finish inside of her? No, no. It would have been nice. No, no, no, no. We were all wondering if he fucked the lady. Yeah, it was in porn, yeah. So 16, you're in South Carolina. What was it like getting to hang out with your mom for the first time? For the first time. I mean, it wasn't the first time. But it was a-- it was nice. But it's like, I was away from her for a while. So it's like, you know, you grow up away from your parents. You go back. They think you're still like the kid, but you're traumatized now. You know? [LAUGHTER] It's great natural answer. So Sammy, there you are. And now you've moved here. How long have you been in Austin? One year. I moved here in March. The whole time you've been in your car? No, no, no, no. So I moved out here. Like I said, it was rough. So I was like, I'm a getting the apartment, got a studio apartment, rent out. Here's really cheap. But then a week later, I got hit by a drunk driver, totaled my shit. And at the time, I had like $1,000 to my name. Well, less than that because I just got the apartment. But I'll-- I'll do it as was my only job at the time. So I was like, fuck. I'll like fuck. But, you know, I'm a hustler. Like I said, I've had so many fucking jobs. The first thing I did is like, my back was real fucked up out that injury. But next morning, I just went up, went to every single like business in the area just trying to find a job. None of them were interested. Because you came in all fucking hell, boobing, yeah. I need work quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She beat my back in, man. The drunk driver have insurance? Like, did you get paid for that? I did have insurance. That money did not last me long because I decided to live off of it. But I did get a nice paycheck, like months later. So what do you do for work now? Now I work at the airport. What do you do at the airport? So I started off at the airport selling credit cards. Where are the parking garage? No, no, no, no. You know, Delta got like the lounging shit. They got the credit card, the reserve card. You mean you could be able to reserve purple card? Yes, that's right, sir. By the-- yeah, I don't work for them no more. They fired me. OK. So how about now? Where do you work at? At the airport. What do you do at the airport now? I work at a smoothie shop. Whoa! Chamba juice. No. Still slaying and purple stuff. Oh, I like that. Oh, not driving them out. Yeah, man. A local one. Yeah. OK. And do you enjoy working at the smoothie shop? Yeah, I like working at the airport. Austin airports, like, cool as fuck. Because it's like all like local Austin businesses and stuff. Yeah. It's got a lot of person out. Do you meet people from all over the world, you know? I think I fit in out there, you know? Yeah. Very glad to be working at the smoothie shop. Right on, bro, I'll get you free smoothie, bro. I got you. Oh, you need a free smoothie. No, I do. I need a free smoothie. I am struggling. I got a hit by a drunk driver recently. I don't have an errands. My back hurts. Don't tell them it was free. I don't want to get fired. I don't work at a smoothie shop, guys. I was lying to them. Yeah, but I just don't want to get fired again. Yeah, you're not going to get fired. It's fine. I'm worried, man. I've been through some shit, man. I tell, man. Your eyes are haunting and dark. Are they really good? Yeah. You're staring through me into a place I forgot about. Yeah. Still there. Yeah. We can rewrite it. We can rewrite it. You're doing good, Sammy. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, do you fly out of the airport? Or do you stop? Yeah. Yeah. What do you think I take a hot air balloon or something? Yeah. A blimp. Yeah. No, I didn't know if you were private, guy. No. No, I mean, I won't spend a great while. Anyway, you know what I mean. All right. Sammy Smith, I think you're a really funny guy. Keep it going. Keep signing up. Keep doing it. Keep writing. You're doing everything right, buddy. Chase your damn dreams. OK. This guy has been signified that he is on the inside, representing you, the audience, the rare inside. So this should be interesting. Normally this is half written and they say I didn't think I was going to get pulled anything can happen. Make some noise for Caleb Andrews. Everybody wears Caleb at. Is that Caleb? We have movement by Caleb Andrews. Is that Caleb? Yes, it is. All right. Here he goes. He looks like a serious man. A lot of a trap. He may have prepared for this. He may have prepared. He may have memorized a minute. The rare inside bucket pool. That means they're normally visiting. They don't live here. How about make some noise one more time for Caleb Andrews. Everybody. Hey guys, I am a banker. I'm from a small town in Mississippi. And I was raised by a single mother. So if you don't laugh at this set, I'm used to disappointment. Being a banker, you see a lot. Nothing's quite as humbling as denying somebody for a loan. And then they pull off in the truck that's nicer than yours. Yeah. Being from a small town. It's kind of funny in my industry. Your credit score and your grandma's reputation are pretty much the same thing. Like, sir, you filed bankruptcy last year. But your Nana made a mean apple pie. So let's see what we can do. Yeah. I'm also married. I got married last year. Thank you. Thank you. I went on a bachelor trip with my buddies. We went golfing. Because nothing says celebrating love. Like hating yourself for four hours silently. But golfing prepared me for marriage. Because both involved me spending a lot of money. It's something I'm not really good at. Really good at. And then waking up the next morning and deciding to drive in because I like the challenge. Thank you guys. That's my time. Smart, well executed. Caleb Andrews. Surprisingly good inside bucket pool. Yeah. That's the best one I've ever seen. Yeah. It's very rare. Welcome, Caleb. So how long have you done stand up before? First time. What? Look at that. I love it, Caleb. And you decided you came here. Where are you visiting from? So I'm from Fulton, Mississippi. Okay. It is. Okay. Yeah. Are those your friends for sure? Probably probably. Yeah. Yeah. Close to two below. Birthplace of Elvis. Actually, actually just plug in weirdly. Uncle laser came to two below Thursday. So I got to see him Thursday and then come here Saturday. He does all the best markets. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a god in two below. That's him, sir. Absolutely. It's like the return Elvis. Yeah. The Hartford Imagine Returns. Of course. Amazing. Okay. So you're a banker in Fulton, Mississippi. Correct. Correct. So it is. It's a lot of people trying to get loans and whatnot. It actually is. We have like a $50 million portfolio in a very small town. Less than 10,000 people. A lot of former plantations. Yeah. That's a lot of a lot of lies. A lot of lies. A lot of lies. A lot of lies. Look at that. A callback from earlier. Oh. So Caleb, that's where you're born and raised? I was pretty much. I was born in a small town in Alabama. I moved over to Fulton. You just drove the riding lawnmower over there. Yeah. Set up a whole new life for yourself. I want to be in Fulton Fulton. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever done any kind of speaking publicly before? Not really. Yeah. Yeah. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. I used to do a theater. So, theater kid. Okay. I guess that helps. What'd you do in theater? That's funny. I was actually donkey and freck. Whoa. You're under back. Can you do one thing? Can you do one of your lines from the hit? Waffles. Wow. There you go. You still got it. It's like I was there. Yeah. Yeah. What is the most white trash thing you've ever seen in Fulton, Mississippi? Oh, God. Is there something that pops in your head? Is the dog a mayor? Close. Close. No. Honestly. You ever see anybody like eat a sandwich while having chewing tobacco in their mouth? Oh, absolutely. That's. That's common. I think you can think of Fulton. Yeah. Man, the gas station people are pretty funny. That's pretty white trash. Like we have a local shell station. People just go pull up and hang out. Got it. Yeah. How about ghetto? What's the most ghetto thing you've seen in Fulton, Mississippi? There's that too. There's that aspect of things. The white people are extremely white. The black people are extremely black. Am I correct? Correct. There's white ghettos for other. We have a local who has chrome fingernails. It's pretty ghetto. Oh. Home. Home fingernails. Yeah. Is that a home? Drops of chrome, big. Wow. Okay. So there's a real cool person in Fulton? Does he make chicken at home and then sell it to people? Hang blinds? He actually cuts hair. He's a barber. Oh, wow. Interesting. Did he give you that one? No. Yeah. Actually, a white guy cut my hair. That makes sense. Yeah. It's like a white guy and haircuts. Caleb, any other crazy fun facts that we'd find interesting about your life before I get you on YouTube? So fun story, real quick. I'm married into a dog or dated into a dog. It's my wife's dog. Previously. Yep. You know, dogs are like children. So he was our great child. And basically, he kept leaving the neighborhood. He would go to like this subdivision and eat Cheetos off these kids' faces. And so who-- What was that? He would eat Cheetos off their faces like the kids' faces. You know, it was something, Tony. He would get it. Yeah. Yeah. So he kept going to that same neighborhood less than a mile from my father-in-law's house. And so we're like, hey, we're just going to let him go. You know, just enjoy your time. Yeah. He's having a good time, whatever. Well, about a few months after he left, somebody picked him up and dropped him back. And my father-in-law's house and was like, hey, you're not taking care of your dog. Like, he's-- You can see his bones. He's covered in fleas. And we're like, this dog has been given to somebody, like, out of our care. And so we took him back in, kept him for a little bit longer. And then my mom was like, I really want the dog. Like, I know you all have another dog now. No, no, no, no. So we gave him to my mom. Well, my mom just happened to get involved with this guy. And he burned her house down. Stole the dog. And funny fact, at my bank-- We'll be the judge of that. We did a, like, like, a poster pet day at work. And so when I started working at the bank last year, we did that post. And this girl at the bank posted that dog. So she ended up with the dog, the same dog. Wow. So we now know the owners of the dog. And she's like, Barry, it feels like, oh, it's your own dog. It's like, no, it's your dog now. Like, sure. Wow. That, you actually answered the most white trash thing I've-- There you go. --question from before. While simultaneously answering the fun fact question about your life. It was you. You were the white trash guy. But this mysterious dog that is obviously the life of Forrest Gump. Yeah. I should have put the million-- I was eating Cheetos off kids' faces one day. Next thing you know, the house is on fire. Well, I'm just a simple dog, and then I had a new owner, and then-- All right. So-- As you-- I'm always been attracted to arsonists. Yeah, that was-- that's where I was going next. Is the mom's house on fire. We kind of glazed over that pretty quickly. Yeah. Were they in an argument or something? He was just on meth. Ah, Fulton, Mississippi. I was for God. Yeah. Actually, I don't want the county. Is the county? And they're actually, like, back in the Civil War. The big, like, meth spot, but when-- during the Civil War-- Even in the Civil War. Yeah, war. What are you talking about? Yeah. The Civil War was in, like, 1861 to 1865. That one? The war of Northern Aggression, as you call it, right? Yeah. Yeah. The one where-- Yeah. I feel like the traditional crystal meth amphetamine wasn't synthesized until much later than that. Impossible. That's just a-- That's your claim to fame in your shithole town? Not mine. Oh, the county. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm sure whatever it was gave some pretty powerful effects. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] But, I mean, you've smoked cracks. You've smoked meth, too. Yeah. 1893. 1893 by Japanese chemist Nagai Nagayoshi. Say, I know your history. 30 years removed. I'm sorry. That's right. Son of a bitch. We liked you so much. And then you lied about meth being a big part of your upbringing. Right. My mom's also attracted to Mexicans. So that was a big-- Give him the joke, boy. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] She liked the amps. She stayed in the category. We're doing some research. Yeah. Amazing. Being Coca-Cola, actually. There you go. Red band mixing up. Three fun facts at one. Can I tell you a real quick, real quick story? I don't think so. OK. So last year-- so it's my wife's birthday tonight. OK. So last year, last year, you were in Nashville. It was Saturday night, right? Right, right. Don't worry. Yeah, absolutely. The tornado sign was going. Oh, yeah. Ooh, it was a little scary. Winona Judd singing the national anthem. A beautiful one. Yeah. So. So my wife, big fan, she'd suck the chroma of the ball hitch to just be your door, Matt. Yeah. Makes me feel great. Sorry, Doug. She here? So she is here. So I said sorry. Hey, you want to prove it to us? [APPLAUSE] So you find this adorned off? Come on up here, birthday girl. We're going to put this to the test. We're going to have her suck the what? The chroma of a ball hitch. Like a truck ball hitch? It's a truck ball hitch. It's like towing a truck, it's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Does anybody have a truck ball hitch by any chance? So last year, I surprised her with Giltoni tickets. I didn't tell her we were going anywhere. We picked her up. Like, her mom called work on a Friday. I was like, hey, your cat got out. You got to come home. What is this thing with your family losing animals? It was the only thing that we get her home from work. So she runs home to meet her friend there. We have her bag packed, like, hey, we're going out of town. She's like, OK, where are we going? I'm like, Nashville. She's like, you don't have to kidnap me to go to Nashville. I'm like, OK, come on. So we get to Nashville. We're hanging out Saturday morning. Obviously, the storm's come. And I'm like, hey, let's go back to the room. We're going to get settled in. She's sitting in there. I'm getting ready. She's like, what are we getting ready for? And I throw her at the shirt. It's a Killtoni shirt. And I'm like, hey, you're going to Killtoni. And she starts fucking ballin. Oh, amazing. So let's bring her out. Here's the birthday girl. [LAUGHTER] You're in it. You're in the eye of the store, Michaela. How does it feel up here? You're a die hard fan. You would suck the chrome off of a tail-packed pitch or whatever. Can you get the red off that microphone? No. Right now. I work at the bank, too. Oh my god. Look at this. One in the banks, two in the tank. Chopper, the old. There you go. Two in the tank. Very good. Poor King, Tony. Too far. I read-- now, that's why. I read Bins. I don't know if you heard, but he did too far sound effects. Because two were in the tank on this one. What exactly are you doing at the bank? I was doing what he's doing. I was a loan officer, but I'm now a portfolio manager. Oh, congratulations. Look at you. Wow. I worked there first, though. OK. Let me ask you guys that. You guys ever at the bank and you guys end up in a safe together or something like that? Unfortunately, no. We work at different locations. Yeah. Because you kept fucking at work. Like, hey, honey. I got to roll a quarter's. I want you to count. Oh, yeah. Can you make change for this hard penis? OK. What's your routing number? All right. Ready. I'll give you that if you'll give me your account number. Whoa. Look at this. There's some type of Ethiopian piracy going on. Michaela, before I let you go, what's a fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? You're a big fan of the show. I mean, you must have something up your sleeve that's interesting. Oh, he already knows he's-- I'm not saying that. Whoa. What is it? You have two vaginas or something? You have like a crazy vagina or something? What is it? No. Can I? I was born early, and my butthole was not fully developed. Whoa! Amazing! That's the show, folks. [LAUGHTER] I mean, this is just a pure of a kiltony moment as you can have. This is what we live for. It's finding the type of stuff we've never heard of before. We'll be right, boy. So your butthole wasn't fully developed. So what did they have to do? They had to cut a little one out or something? Yeah, basically, but this was in the '90s. So they actually sent me home. And my mom kept calling the hospital, like, my baby hasn't pooped, and they're like, that's normal. And it was like two weeks later, that they took me back. And yeah, they just cut it. I mean, the mom didn't notice that-- I was her first kid, and she was 21. Wow. That's young. How is it doing now, girl? It's good. It's good. It's a red band. That is disgusting. That is insulting to all women everywhere. You're out of control, red band. It's great. I'm positive of it. Here's a big joke book for you, Michaela. And here's the big one for you. You guys got it all tonight. Here you did it. A huge victory. There you guys go. Michaela and Michaela, newly married, it's their birthday. Makes the noise for them, everybody. What a sweet, pure moment. That was great. Sometimes the show can be very wholesome. Can we get a picture of your wife's butt later? Thank you. Yeah. Tag us in it. Yeah. Tag us in that butthole pit. Not tag you in, red band. No. Yeah. Man, I want to see that lady's butt, right, folks? Oh. What's up? Oh, we have to switch the mics. The mics. How about a hand for the great Sam Talon, switching the mics for us? His new novel, Brute, comes out September 22nd. His stand-up dates are available at punchuplive.com/SamTalent. That's with two L's in talent. Buffalo, Chicago, Madison, Wisconsin. A bunch of fun things happening. Remember the roast of Kevin Hart may tend on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night is a force of nature, everybody. He is absolutely awesome. We are watching him take off in a great, unbelievable way. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta, Georgia. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise, closing it out tonight. A new set from Dendrick Flan, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] You know women are going to tell you that other women only want you if you have a girlfriend because women want something they can't have. And I'm here to tell you all that's not what's happening. We just look better than single men, because we're using your health care products in and out the shower. Like single dudes look and smell like what happens after years at kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator. And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice cubes, makes a certain mold. It makes a human body. And it's like, hey, man, you should smile more. Because when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with like single dudes. And my skin has been terrible. Because we only got the seven and one body wash, right? Is shampoo, conditioner, body wash, zen juice, four locoes from 2009 with the caffeine, and a DUI, and a domestic battery charge. Because when you go to a girl's bathroom, that's like somebody you want to keep. When you rip open that shower curtain, the products that they got, it looks like Gordon Ramsay's season in cabinet, mixed with two Southern black ladies. You can do whatever you, they got all kinds of shampoos. They got all kinds of, do you know they got a shampoo? In condition, it's called purple shampoo. It's just for people with blonde hair or a nigga that got free time. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's all it is. Every girl ever been with, thought I was jacking off in the shower. No, nigga, I was trying everything you had in there. You know, you used to go to Taco Bell. And you would suicide the sodas. Like, you know what I'm saying? You would put every soda in there and see it. That's me with every product you got. Nigga, I used to look glorious. You know what body wash gel is? What is it? You don't know. You just try to fit in. This nigga's a liar. This nigga's a liar. They got a gel that just got glitter on it. Nigga, I used to look like a cheerleader from bringing it on. Nigga, I used to look like Gabrielle Union. I used to put all kinds of shit together, just make a smorgasbord of a pretty-- When they used to leave, I used to steal a bath bomb and put it in the bath-- you know what a bath bomb is? What's a bath bomb? This nigga want to fit into. All right, this nigga has no idea what a bath bomb is. You take a grenade and you put it in the bathtub and it's got colors and glitter and essential oils. Nigga, that is fucking fun and fun. I don't ever want to be single again. Nigga, I hate being dry. That's my time. I love y'all. It's a dead dick plant with a new three minutes 20 seconds. God wait, too far. So much fun new angles that's something new. I love it. Hey, I'm trying to do my best, man. You are how you doing? That's right. I'm doing too good. Yeah, I ain't going a lot of it. There is so much. I love torn. I even want to city I don't know how to get there. Yeah, like because they you're the fly into in city now I'm doing the cities that you have to fly into and then get transit after that to get to yeah, like I did a springfield Massachusetts. Oh, you sure how those two people just said something that's everybody in springfield That's all two of them. All right, then we went to a casino. It was an MGM grand. Okay, I want $200 on the Slot machine. Whoa, look at that. Did you all $600? That was my next question. Did you quit while you were up? No. Amazing. What else? Springfield was that the only stop this weekend? Yeah, that was I did three shows in the springfield next week. I'm doing many apples Minnesota. I'm going right inside Where the mall America is. Oh, that's a long week, bro. I love it. That's a long fucking week. No, they got They got the amusement park inside. I've been there before. Yeah, you're going to be there for like You can everywhere nigga. We know I just I'm just saying you're doing come I'm sure you get outside because I was in that mall for like five days when I did that gig And I did not go outside for most of it and I was to range strange and gray by the end. Yeah, can I ask you a personal question anytime? What do I do outside of it? Avoid avoid the ice rallies. I can tell you that somehow everybody gets killed in many. No, I'm too high to be in rallies. What about poppies? Maybe checkers? White castle. Who knows, you know, I've been high in many a Taco Bell in my day. Right there. He's up to me. We would donate it to Canada. I think Canada deserves Minneapolis menace. Oh, Hanover's nigga make a good trade. Maybe take a little Toronto or just a little town. I'd even be willing to negotiate an Ottawa for Ottawa. Yeah, they're like a fourth round draft pick. I know, but what has happened to an off the board? I don't know if you've seen what Minneapolis has contributed the past 15 years or so, but I love Vietnamese cuisine. Oh, that where it comes from. Yeah. Vietnam's in Minnesota. Yeah, Vietnam's a little neighborhood in Minneapolis. Dedric, anything else crazy going on? Man, I'm about to sell this cartoon to a dope swim. Nice. I don't swim when I had a bankrupt about three years ago, by the way. Is it what? I don't swim is bankrupt, by the way. It's not a thing anymore. I don't care where they get the money from niggas. They told me they had the money. I don't give a fuck. Why the fuck? Oh, they were banged up. So was I red, man? I was breaking up before I got here. You gotta get out of niggas. Get on. Maybe you don't swim when on kill Tony. I don't know. That's true. We saved adult swims life. Dedric, we absolutely love you. You're the fucking man. Thank you so much. Wait a minute. Put a ribbon on the episode. Yeah, I don't know. You be ripping out so proud of you, dog. I love you. Thank you so much. Dedric, Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, and he is right. What a night, Pat O'Neill made history by being elevated from a golden ticket winner to a regular. It was a halibon episode. How about one more time for the great Sam Talon, everybody. September 22nd, his novel comes up, but you can pre-order it right now. It's a brute to be our UT. Where can they pre-order that Amazon? Amazon Barnes and Noble. It's coming out from Random House so you can get it anywhere. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. He's on Buffalo Chicago, Madison, and a bunch of other places go to punchuplive.com/SamTalon with two Ls. Remember, the roasts of Kevin Hart made 10th on Netflix. It's must-see television. Yeah. And the Killton Emanuea episode is already out on Netflix because it came out April 20th. And we're going to Madison Square Garden again. So make sure you get tickets for that if you're anywhere near the New York area. And a lot of other fun stuff coming and happening because the fun train never ends. How about one more time for the Best Standband in the Land? Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh my god. Look at that. Sam Tallinn back in the day. That's old Sam told me, man. He was looking at a whole picture of you. Yeah, for the worst painting of me ever, bro. I came so far and you're reminding me. Thank you. He's to me, humble Chris. Thanks, bro. Old Sam Tallinn over there. I look like Red Band. How about one more time for the Great Sam Tallinn Red Band? You guys ready? Uh, San Diego, be there July 9th or 11th, bringing some friends. Go to americancomedyco.com. You guys are a great audience. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] Curious about non-alcoholic drinks, but wish you could try before you buy? At Burden of Proof, we help you find zero proof options you'll actually love. 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