#765 - ARI MATTI + DUSTIN POIRIER

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? And that is the best damn band in all the land. Make some noise for them, huh? You are at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony, brought to you this week by Blue. Choo Choo Prize Picks and Talkspace. What an amazing episode we have lined up for y'all. This is the hardest ticket to get in town, South by Southwest Week. So congratulations to you guys. This sold out in seconds. So for the few of you lucky enough to be here at this show, congratulations to you. 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But real doesn't start on a scale. It starts at the source. Like real California milk from California farm families. It's real dairy delivering high quality, complete protein. With all nine essential amino acids to help build muscle, give you energy, and keep you satisfied longer. So keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk. Um, you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? This is an exciting one. It's unbelievable. You know, sometimes you have people from New York, LA, this, that. This one's special because this is one of the best comedians in the world right now and one of the greatest fighters of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the baddest motherfuckers on planet Earth, Ari Maddy and Dustin Poirier. Oh, my God. Let's fucking go. The great Dustin Poirier and one of the best in the world right now, a shooting star, Ari Maddy on fucking panel tonight, everybody. Here we go. Oh, my God. We're going to have so much fun. Ari Maddy has been on tour. Go check him out. He's on the biggest tour of his life at arimaddy.com. How's it going, buddy? Yes, I was in Florida, so you can see by the way I dress now, things are different. I'm selling cocaine. It's cut in half with baby powder, but that's another thing. I love it. I just snort the baby powder. Yeah. I say leave the cocaine. Not a bit. I want a goo-goo-ga-ga. Dustin motherfucking Poirier, ladies and gentlemen. The fighting pride of Louisiana. Future UFC Hall of Famer. And somehow you are on panel tonight. And I didn't expect to be, so I'm a little, like, it's good. It's good. It's going to be great. I was planning to be a spectator, but we're here. If anybody roasts you or makes fun of you or anything, just beat them. I'll wait for them in the parking lot. Yeah, beat the shit out of them. You can do it on this show. We give you full permission. If it fucks up our ads or anything, we'll, like, blur it. But people will know that you're winning for sure. You know, I did MMA, too. I went 0-1-3. You can go on Sherdog.com. You can check it out. Yeah. Yeah. 0-1-3. If I tried stand-up comedy, I'd be 0-10, so. I don't know about that. Really good. I was really good at the gym. But when the lights hit you, I'm a bitch. And I see the opposite side of that. I see guys great in the gym. When the lights hit you, they suck. I see guys suck in the gym. When the lights hit them, they're world champions, so. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, I could be a world champion, I guess. Well, I promise you that's going to happen on this show tonight. There are going to be people that think they are the best in the world, and their name is going to get called, and the lights are going to hit them. They're going to realize that millions of people around the world are watching them, and the pressure is going to get to them. And some people are going to be terrible. They'll open micers, and somehow we're going to fall in love with them, perhaps. But then again, maybe none of that happens. Anything can happen. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, live, completely improvised, and anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. While we go wrangle this human from the dilapidated bar next door, I have a golden ticket winner who is back. And I mean, this kid's a freak. He was on the first Netflix episode taping here, and he's a monster. This guy's built for comedy. We will see what he's got for us tonight. This is a brand-new minute from golden ticket winner Pat O'Neill, everybody. Folks, I'm on Tinder now. Grindr was too easy. I needed a challenge, you know? I don't settle for that easy shit. Found my ex on that other app, Google Maps. Got you, bitch, fucking try and run from me. Dummy. I cheated on her like she was a math test with a Chinese boy. But, you know, that's college for you. I don't think you're exactly the most in-demand roommate on the market right now. Look, not a lot of people are into a permanent Halloween decoration every time they get home. I love it. What's hanging on your walls at your apartment? Like, what, the paintings or posters? That's a great question, Redman. Wow, look at you. Did you think of this before the episode? That's a great question. Like, nothing, honestly. See? That's a great question, because it leads to a frightening answer. Yeah, I don't know what I would put. Absolutely nothing at all? No. Like, when you bring girls back to that nothing, what's the game? I'm like, there's a TV. Uh-huh. Bitch. Wow. Yeah, gotta give them a little. Is the TV on the floor, or? No, no, it's on the wall. I paid a fella. Oh. Before Trump. One. He was still here. Oh, got it, got it, yes. Mexican, Mexican. I got political there. They're still around. Too many, if you ask me. Anyway. I'm kidding. I like to say I'm kidding now. I'm kidding, everybody. Anyway. So how could you hang a TV, but absolutely nothing else? I mean, normally, like, high schoolers, college kids, they at least have, like, unframed posters or something. I'm open to advice. If you have suggestions, I'll. You've never thought of this at all before? No, I don't. What am I supposed to put on my walls? Hot dudes, Tony? What the fuck? I don't know why that would be your first go-to. Do you have interesting paint colors at your apartment? Like, you know, like. Oh, you're right back to your normal level of questions, I see. Do you have normal paint colors in your apartment? Like a nice yellow wall? Are there any plants? Uh, there's no fucking way this guy's got a plant. Are you kidding? Everything is dead in that apartment. I got a candle recently. A candle? I felt fancy about that. Yeah. Is it a scented candle? Yeah. What is the scent of that candle? It's like fucking vanilla or something. Wow, look at you, Mr. Romance. Yeah, yeah. Just one candle. Just, yeah. I'm working my way up. What's the candle sitting on? Is it, like, a dining room table, a side table? Yeah, a table. What kind of table? Uh. I'm curious. Is it a children's school desk or something like that? No, that'd be dope. See? You're into weird shit. It's a four-legged wooden table. Okay. What are its dimensions? Give me a ballpark here. Uh. Three by. Ten by six. I don't. We talking feet or inches here? I don't know. It's a massive table. It's quite the regal table in such a. Six feet. You're right. I have no idea. Ten foot by six foot with nothing on the wall. The apartment is ten foot square foot. He lives in an interrogation room, ladies and gentlemen. We're finding out a lot about Pat O'Neill. You're so far from it. Have a seat. He just lights one candle in the middle of this giant table. What are you, a king? I just fucking write jokes and stare at a monitor. I get it. It shows, brother. Like I said, you are an absolute fucking hilarious motherfucker. It's incredible. I'm going to throw Dustin under the bus here. What do you think about this guy? If you just, whatever you say, there's no wrong answer. I don't know, man. Thinking of this guy coming home to an empty, clean wall apartment, it's kind of freaky, man. I agree. See? He is scarier than you, somehow. Yeah. Yeah. Somehow he is scarier. Somehow he's way scarier than you. Then he said, watch a movie like the Dahmer. You're going to just watch a movie. For sure. What's your kink? Ooh, good question. You have a thing. I'm missionary. Oh, wow. You stare into your eyes. Missionary on a giant, empty table. With one candle. Pat, you're the fucking man, dude. Thank you, Tony. Thank you for getting tonight's episode started. That's how it's done. That's a golden ticket winner. Now we go to the bucket. This is the beating heart of the show. This is where we meet everybody. This is where we met Ari Maddy. This is where we met Pat O'Neill. Everybody. William Montgomery. You name it. Everyone was found out of this bucket. This could be the next star. Or it could be somebody who isn't the next star. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. Anastasia Nadraga. Anastasia Nadraga. I flew here. On a blunt. I'm from Austin. I'm in Austin. So basically what happened was I didn't plan to be here and then now I'm here. So this guy told me not to say his name on stage, Jimmy Prescott. And he invited me because he said that sometimes I'm funny. But only when people aren't around. Usually I do crowd work, but that's frowned upon when there's only 60 seconds. So because y'all take too long to think. But I think it's. It's kind of crazy that the Epstein files dropped and everybody just sort of like, cool. Yeah, that's what they're doing. I approve of it. We're not going to do anything about it. We all know what's going on. We're just going to. Woo. So that's why y'all are here. You're avoiding reality. And that's why I'm here. I'm also avoiding reality. I think I'm funny. Clearly, you guys. All right. That is the full minute. From Anastasia Nadraga, ladies and gentlemen. I was warming up. Yeah, I bet you were. Let's check in with Ari Matty. See, Dustin, this is me at MMA. You look like you get pummeled. Anastasia, the mental illness is staggering. Let's talk about it. So what made you sign up for this exactly? Your story is that a friend peer pressured you into this, basically? Are you a mind reader? Can you hear? He said that, like, five seconds ago. Oh. Well, he said mental illness, so, you know. Ah. Yeah. Again, I don't have to read minds to be able to see what's going on in there, Anastasia. Anastasia? Are you, like, Russian? Oh, my God. We don't talk about that. What are you, a fucking mind reader? That's not politically correct in this day and age. Anastasia, let me ask you a question. You brought up the Epstein files, and then you said basically nothing, other than we should be doing something. What do you think we should do? What do you think we should all be doing now that the Epstein files have dropped? I don't know. You know, I think it's up to each individual what they want to do, you know? Great answer, Anastasia. Great answer. You're solving the world's problems. And you want to be Pat O'Neill's couch. So, let's talk about it. Have you ever seen the show before? Or just a friend made you do this? Yeah. Right. Have you ever seen the show? Do you know where you are? I think that time is running out, and it's the end of the world. So, that's where I am right now. Okay. Wow. Doesn't get much worse than you. You're the worst. You can't answer basic questions. And you love it. I can tell. Look at that. Look at that fear in your eyes. You're done. You get nothing. Go. Go. Woo! Woo your way through the rest of your life. I can't imagine what the rest of it's like. Go. Go that way. Yikes. That is proof, ladies and gentlemen, if you need it. Wow. What a palate cleanser. The lovely Heidi, everybody. By the way, that, Anastasia, is proof that the bucket is real. Let it be known. This is a very random, improvised show. I mean, holy shit. Either she has serious problems, no, yeah, she has serious problems. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard, it's terrifying. So much work goes into something, and this thing especially, that you're not entirely sure will work out. And it can be hard to make that leap of faith. Trust me, I know. When I started this podcast, I was thinking, what if no one listens? What if no one wants to watch in a silly, open mic on YouTube? Now I know that I was right by believing in myself and launching this podcast. Despite all the fears and hesitation, it also helps when you have a partner like Shopify on your side. And speaking of partners, here's Red Band. Oh, Tony is my favorite partner. And Tony, I love Shopify. It's the best business tool out there. You can get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. Plus, get the word out. Like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. It's time to turn those what-ifs into when Shopify takes over your business today. Use it. Use Shopify and sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com. GO TO SHOPIFY.COM/KILLTONY, THAT'S SHOPIFY.COM/KILLTONY. Hello there. 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Order with code KILLTONY at ZippixToothpicks.com. These things are unbelievable. I mean it. Try them. Get 10% off your first order with code KILLTONY at ZippixToothpicks.com. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, as you see, could be one of the next big comedians in the world or absolutely a retard that was talked into coming on a show while having zero talent or preparation whatsoever and the inability to answer basic questions. His name is Benny Bruce. Let's give him a shot. Put your hands together for Benny Bruce. Hey, I just started playing dominoes. Anyone like playing dominoes? Yeah, dominoes, I found it really exciting. It's like every time you put another piece down, you're like, oh, is it going to make a swastika? Just moved here to Texas. Hooked up with my first Latina. That was pretty cool. Other than, like, I'm not really into dirty talk. I started going down on her, and she's like, si, que rico, papi. I put my finger over her lips. I was like, shh. I don't like dirty talk. Speak English. Fuck yeah, buddy. Thank you very much. Benny Bruce. Making it look easy after Anastasia Nadraga. That was awesome. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year. Nice. But I didn't really, I moved here a month and a half ago. And that's when I, like, really hit it hard. Where were you at originally before this? Where is the medium Lebowski from exactly? Grand Rapids, Michigan. Okay. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. How recently did you move here? A month and a half ago. Nice. Nice. I moved out of Michigan in August. I just took my time traveling around the country. That's awesome. Tell us about that. What was that like, traveling the country? What stood out to you? What did you learn about yourself? That I need a better car. I got stranded in, I got stranded in Alabama for a little over a month because my transmission went out. The car got stranded with you. Yeah. Let's check in with Dustin Poirier. How long have you been working for the, for ISIS sex department? What do you do for work? How do you make money? What exactly, what type of vapes do you sell? Um, I just got a job like three weeks ago here. I'm a brand ambassador for a flooring company. For a flooring company. Yeah, I just go to like home shows and I'm like, you want your floors updated? I love that. So you are very Lebowski-esque. He was looking for a rug and you are a flooring ambassador. Tie the room together. Indeed. How much marijuana do you have to smoke a day to wear the exact outfit that you're wearing? Is that about a quarter ounce or so? You know, consistently. I love it, Benny Bruce. You're a very, very funny guy. How much material do you think you have of that quality if you had to like string a set together? I mean, the most I've ever done is only five minutes, but I mean, I think I could probably do 10. Yeah, cool. Well, you're in the right place to do it now. What do you love about Austin? Just like the opportunity. I can go up on stage every day multiple times. Yeah. In Grand Rapids, it was like a couple times a month. It was tough. Grand Rapids, Michigan is a very tough, weird, quirky place. Yeah. What was that like? Were parents together? Yeah. You have a normal American Pie family? Oh, yeah. I was like raised Catholic and stuff. They're loving? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Even to you? Oh, yeah. I was a firstborn. I'm the favorite. I love it. I love it. And what do they think about your pot smoking stand-up comedy aspirations? They're about it. I love that. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, my parents are very supportive. What's your love life like? Are you currently in love with a water bong or something like that? The reason I moved, I was engaged for two years, and that didn't happen anymore. So then I was like, okay. What happened? It was Anastasia. She started talking. And he's like, dude, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm taking my shitty car, and I'm just driving anywhere. I'm going to fuck. I'm going to fuck and go straight to Alabama to start. I'm going to start comedy. Fuck it. I'd rather be stranded in Alabama than Anastasia. What did go wrong with the engagement? We fought a lot. We did too many drugs. What kind of drugs are we talking about here? A lot of psychedelics. Ketamine was a big one. Yeah. But I've been off of all of it since I moved. Nice. Yeah. Very good. Still weed, though. For sure weed. How has it helped your comedy? What's that? Coming off, how has it helped your comedy? Because you started, you were all fucked up, huh? Yeah. I mean. I'm kidding. I started, you know, like a year and a half ago or whatever. But, like, I wasn't taking it seriously until I moved here. Okay, okay, okay. Still weed. Like, I would write shit, but now I'm, like, really writing shit. Getting up all the time. Yeah, that was a good set. Thank you. Good, really, two good, really good jokes. Thanks. Yeah. That was the first time I ever did the Dirty Talk one. Really? Yeah, I only wrote it. Yeah, that was awesome. That's amazing. That's a great joke. Benny Bruce, I see a bright, bright future ahead of you, man. You have some really funny jokes. Thanks. And a good style. I'm excited. Some of the best comedians in the world are people that used to do a lot of drugs that no longer do drugs and fill that brain space and shit with writing and performing and stuff. So, keep up the great work and good luck in the future. Here's a big joke book. Boom. We're going to keep going. We're going to keep it moving along. We're flying on to the next one. Here he goes. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. And it's Bryce Wright. Bryce Wright. Let me hear some noise, Austin. I just want to give you an introduction of myself. I'm mixed, black and white. I dropped out of school and all my math from drug dealing. And I'm actually the best in my whole family at math, right? Because I'm half black. The rest of my family I hang around is white. But for some reason, they always refer to me as three-fifths. Which I never understood because the fraction is actually one-half. But it's hard being mixed, you know, because people always get so nosy. I always have to ask the same question. Like, oh, which parent is mixed? Which parent is black? Which parent is white? You know? But I never tell them. I just kind of give them a hint. Someone's like, is your mom black or is your mom white? And I was like, um, my mom is fat. And for the white people to understand, I just don't know my dad. That's the real reason. But, yeah, man, I feel like human connection is really important. I talked to a guy the other day. I said, yeah, man, I'm a comedian. He said, wow, I was an actor in New York for ten years. And then I sung in the opera for five years. And then my whole career got ruined because I got throat cancer. So now he's a mime. All right, that's all the times. All right. Bryce Wright, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. How old are you? I am 21. 21 years old. Yes, sir. Wow. So how old are you really? I am 21. That's the preferred answer. Are you really 21? Yeah. Okay. I produce comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. Producing comedy shows in Jacksonville, Florida. How many comedy shows do you produce a month? Two different venues, usually about three to four. Okay. And that's doing it for you. How do you draw people to your. Venues? Meta ads, retargeting, ads, marketing, all that. Okay. How much money do you have? Well, I run comedy shows, so not much at all. Just give us a ballpark. How much have we checked your Chase Savings account right now? What would be in there? Probably on average about $2,000 probably. Okay. All right. And now you live in Austin? Oh, no, no, no. I don't live here. I just visited. You're still in Jacksonville? Yeah, still in Jacksonville. What's your rent? - I live with my parents. - Nice. You're a prophet Jail fucked me up The prophet king Jail fucked you up Here we go This is Kill Tony 21 already in prison Yes Drugs Just marijuana Yeah just marijuana A gun You gotta have them both together You never know if you're gonna get robbed A gun So let's talk about it What were you doing when That happened You got pulled over Yeah I was getting pulled over Going through Clay County I thought I was slick I used to turn my high beams on So I could see the reflectors of sheriff cars That are waiting for people They'll never notice you if you do that You get to see them first Genius Where do you get this weed From I want some Man you get that shit shipped Did you tell the cops That the white side of you Told the black side Not to sell the drugs Dustin Poirier Boom Boom Boom That's the best base That's the best base MMA and then comedy It works perfectly If you don't have CT Or if you do have it It might work out Yeah Fuck you Bryce right Okay so What did the cops say When he came up to the car He said I'm detecting the odor of marijuana Yeah and then I was And you're like How did you even see me dude My brights were on And then they weren't on And I was basically flashing my lights at you Dude you do look like That is crazy that drug dealers Always look like drug dealers too Dude when I pull you over I'm literally like I'm searching this whole car Yeah It's free advertising dude I gotta let them know I got it Yeah they told me first thing Obviously it smells like weed And I was like You know that's not probable cause Cause I saw some shit on TikTok I was like No No that's not Fucking What are you talking about Okay so they said like They love that Police love that When you tell them Nuh uh Nuh uh I know my rights Where's the gun Where's the gun The cop is talking to you Where's the gun Where's the gun You sound just like him It was in the glove compartment Obviously Okay and you were like Looking for Is the license there Right You're like My registration's right in Oh fuck You know if they see a gun They shoot Luckily your skin tone You're safe You better thank your mama boy Alright D Madness now knows exactly What you look like Yeah well i um what the method is and i feel like i'm gonna go back to jail for saying shit like this but the method is is you is you keep uh you keep the gun in glove compartment and you take out the registration you take out insurance and you keep it just anywhere else like the center console and i remember i grabbed for the glove compartment instinct and i was like and then he knew instantly i was really he knew something's in there yeah yeah yeah so then okay okay so then so then so then so then so then so then so you give the registration it's expired yeah it was was it really wasn't really sure wasn't that no it wasn't expired i think what got him though is when i was like my mom has to text me a picture of the insurance the geico so that was okay so then then how fast was her response just out of curiosity was it immediate did not respond uh wow was it late at night it was yeah it was late at night it was that was a surprise decision yeah so then okay okay okay okay okay get out of the car or what's the what's tell you get out of the car they go to search it he pulls open the passenger door why would you search in the glove box right that's exactly what i thought what a fucking idiot right so he opens it and the partner just looks up and they instantly put me in cuffs yeah and then i go to jail how long did you go to jail for like fucking solid 12 hours bro i bonded out where the fuck do you live wow i got drug money motherfucker i'm bonding out of this hell yeah two thousand bucks two thousand bucks what did you learn in that 12 hours in jail what surprised you i learned that stood out to you okay the jail was actually not that bad at all it was uh it was clay county and i'm in jacksonville so that's duval county i mean that's the closest you've ever been to living on your own so i'd imagine it was pretty nice for you yeah so i think the big shout out clay county jail by the way how could i skip over the compliments i think the biggest thing i noticed was like it was actually really nice the people were nice and when i got in there like all oh yes the clay county jail welcome for all of you gun yielding pot smokers that look like crusty the clown we will we have welcoming gates come on in make sure you keep your gun in your glove compartment like a real fucking dumbass and we shall roll out the red carpet for you did you get to eat while you were there they have a little snack for you oh no i didn't eat shit in there i knew i was bonded out hell yeah how much was the bond 1500 oh my god mom had to cover it huh mom mom had to cover it yeah yeah yeah she had to take out some income tax money for that one damn yeah i had a feeling you weren't making that much producing shows Jacksonville. But $2,000 a month is a good lie. Bryce, what else is going on in your life? You single? No, no, no. I got a. My girl's actually right out at Shakespeare right now. She's a very loyal woman. She gives me rim jobs every day. I'd never cheat on her. Is that true? She eats your ass? Fucking gross. Always. Imagine being a girlfriend at that shithole bar supporting your boyfriend while he's on stage. Yeah, she rips me every day. My asshole is cleaner than that bar by all due means, I will tell you. By looking at the overall thing, I disagree. Show me your asshole. Show me a little bit. By all due means, ladies and gentlemen. By all due means. How do you keep your ass so clean? The world wants to know. I'm getting this in my ear right now. Okay. So you ever heard of Dude Wipes? Yes. They got a new flavor of Dude Wipes called Dumpkin's Spice. It's a pumpkin spice Dude Wipes. Every time a girl eats your ass, she's like, it smells like fall. Perfect. White girls love it. See her in the front row? She loves it. Look at her. Yeah. There's Red Band's one fart noise this episode. So you keep these pumpkin spice Dude Wipes on you? Always. Do you have one on you right now? No. It's back at the Airbnb. Okay. All right. Do you have any other flavors, as you call them, of Dude Wipes? This is a great Dude Wipe commercial. No, I think I wish they were paying me. I think they got bubblegum flavor recently. I haven't tried that one. I don't know. I'll see what's next. Wow. That's amazing. The mint one's the best one. Oh, it fucking hurts, though. Red Band just eats the wipes. And it's good for bad bread. You should give it to your woman. All right. Bryce, right. You did, uh, you did, uh. You did, uh. You did something. You're leaving here with a medium-sized black joke book. This is real. This is what black looks like. Oh, and he did not catch it. He is truly mostly white, ladies and gentlemen. The Bond man. Thank you, sir. With all due means, you deserve it. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Bryce Wright, everybody. Thank you guys for having me. Shout-out rooftop comedy show Duval. All right. There he goes, everybody. About to rest your ass again. We have cops right over here. Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals at the Home Depot. It's time to fire up summer cookouts with the Next Grill 4-Burner Gas Grill on special buy for only $199. And entertain all season with the Hampton Bay West Grove 7-Piece Outdoor Dining Set for only $499. This Memorial Day, get low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot. While supplies last, pricing valid May 14th through May 27th. U.S. only exclusions apply. See homedepot.com slash price match for details. Ray-Ban Meta Glasses take the friction out of travel. Move through the world with your hands free and your head up. Hey, Meta, where's the nearest Metro station? Closest Metro to you is Union Square, about three blocks away. Hey, Meta, text Mom. I'm getting on the train now. Sending message. Juggle your itinerary, take calls, and send a message. You can listen to music with open-ear audio. No digging for your phone, no stopping for a map. Just you and your glasses. Ray-Ban Meta. Iconic style meets Meta AI. Available at Walmart and other authorized retailers. Alright, let's get another bucket pull up here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Eddie Adams, everybody. Eddie Adams. Ladies! Who runs the world? - -Ladies, who runs the. world. Y'all want to put some money on that? Shalom, everybody. How the fuck we doing? My uncle, he's been in the news a lot lately. You may have seen him. I just inherited this book. Everybody keeps asking me, is Trump's name in this book? Guys, his name is not in this book. Oh, but that's weird. Brian, your name's in this book. Oh, fuck my gold. Okay, everybody stay calm. Don't move. I got to get that. That's crazy. Tony, you're safe, though. Okay, that's over a minute from Eddie Adams. Where are we going to stay there? I'm safe what? I wouldn't expect you to go to an island full of girls. All right, very good. There you go. Eddie Adams doing a very Kill Tony centric set there. I like it. Eddie, how long have you been doing stand up? Been doing it for five years. Where at? Started in Atlanta and then Houston. You still live in Houston? I do. Yeah. What made you do Houston? What made me do Houston? I was trying to get closer to family. They live in Houston. They lived in Dallas, but I was relocating back to Texas. So it's way closer than Atlanta. Okay. It's a pretty far drive. Yeah. You came out like really gay. And then did you notice he came out really gay and then it faded away? Yeah. Came out gay, ended up being Jewish somehow. It's a way to please everybody in show business. Surprised you didn't host the Oscars last night or something like that. Gay and Jewish. Are you gay? I am not gay. That's incredible. You sounded gay. All right, Eddie. So five years. And how long have you lived in Houston? Three years. I sell cars. You do that in Houston? I do. What kind of cars do you sell? Toyotas. Toyotas. Are you actually Jewish? I am. So that's your real yarmulke? This is the one that I was bar mitzvahed in. Wow. Okay. Broke it out of the closet for this. Absolutely. I also came out of the closet for this show. Seems like a gay yarmulke though. Very gay yarmulke. My goodness. Yes. What makes it a gay yarmulke exactly? It's not like black. It's like a flower or something. Yeah. It is. Wait, that's the exact same. That's made from the drug rug that Benny Bruce wore earlier. Is it gay because it's the same color as your microphone? Whoa. Stop it. Oh my God. You're getting roasted by a Toyota car salesman. Oh my God. What kind of Toyotas are you slinging the most? What's your specialty? Tacoma. Tacoma is. Okay. Let's do a little thing here. I just walked into, but I'm not me. I'm just a normal stranger. And I just walked into your car dealership. Hey, what's up, man? I'm looking for a car. We got some pretty good pre-owned vans in the back. You want me to go show you them? All right. All right. Eddie Adams, not gay. He swears he's not gay. You have a girlfriend right now? Not married. Oh, congratulations. She's Jewish as well? She is not Jewish. Whoa. What is she? We, she is agnostic. White. Just a normal white lady. Yep. Where'd you meet her at? Hinge. Hinge. Okay. And that's the one. Explain to people what hinge is. Hinge is probably like the one where you're not really trying to get laid. You're more trying to go on a date. So gay. Red band. Hit your sound effect, red band. That's a good one. It's more for brunch. He doesn't know where his own sound effect is, everybody. It's broken right now. All right. I think it's on that board, by the way, because I know the thing better than you. It's this one. It crashed just recently. Perfect. Why would you, why would you, why would you possibly get it fixed before tonight's taping? Oh, okay. Perfect. It's good to know that we're running the same iPad that we've had since the show started 13 years ago. How long you guys been together? Oh, we've been together three and a half years. Engaged to, oh yeah, you said married. I'm sorry. I fucked up. How long were you engaged? One year. Okay. Where'd you, where was the wedding at? The wedding was in Houston. Wow. What made you do it in Houston? Uh, that's where her family's at. So, you know, she's got a big family and didn't want to have to make some of her older relatives travel. Wow. Okay. What's crazy? Do you have any special skills or talents, Eddie Adams? Uh, special skills, talents? No. You collect anything? You have any hobbies or anything like that? Is there something quirky and, uh, fun? How do you feel about Iran? Salaam. What does that mean? Nobody. Hello. How are you in Farsi? We've got any Persians in here? No? All right. All right. Really winning the crowd over here with you. Yeah. God. Bombing. Wow. I can't believe the Kill Tony crowd even gives that credit, but all right. Um, all right, Eddie. You really don't do anything other than comedy sometimes and sell cars? Uh, I love soccer. Love watching soccer. I watch it religiously. There's the Latinos over there. Yeah. Yeah. That's gay. Gay. New sound effect, everybody. When the soundboard crashes, you just have to do it on your own. Interesting. I feel like there's something I'm missing here about you, Eddie. I feel like there's something you're keeping from us. No, I, I feel like now would be a good moment to just address, uh, the whole reason I got into comedy was I went to a house party, uh, when I was in Atlanta. I knew no one. I was trying to make friends and I went out to get a drink from the cooler and a guy named Marcel, I've never seen him again. He said, what do you do? And I told him I was selling cars. And he said, is that what you grew up with? And I was like, yeah, I'm selling cars. And he said, is that what you grew up wanting to do? And I said, no, no one had ever asked me that. He said, well, what did you want to do? And I said, make people laugh. And he said, well, do you promise within a year you'll try to do that? Will you try comedy? And, uh, I agreed to do it and it was COVID. So I never saw him again. I moved away anyways. Marcel, if you're listening, you started this. Um, here you go. You need, you need, if there's anybody I know that needs to write actual, real jokes, it's you. So there's a big joke book. There he goes. Eddie Adams, his skill, Tony debut. We'll see him again sometime. All right. We have a special treat for y'all. We have a, a, a very, uh, well-known great comic out of New York visiting during the festival South by Southwest season. Who's going to do a minute for us, maybe a little touch more. We're going to let her go. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, or make some noise for Karen Feehan, everybody. Here she is. A special treat. God, this is so exciting. Hi. Hi. Hi, Dustin. Hi. How are we? Um, I don't know. Some of you guys might not know it. My name is Karen. I'm from Massachusetts. I was in the Boston ballet for about 10 years. That's why I'm a racist anorexic. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I eat. I'm also an alcoholic. I have a very helpful tattoo. It says, don't serve me on my arm. It's okay. Bartenders can't read cursive. Um, and so whenever I miss blacking out, I just sleep with an MMA guy. Um, you know, I see a cauliflower here. Flood. It's not, it's not good. I don't know. People are so mean about MMA guys. They're like, they're so dumb. I'm like, no, their brains are just on the outside now. I'm just kidding. They're pretty dumb. Um, I do this thing last, last bit. I do this thing. I let him come in me. And then I go, Hey, let's see if this kid's a fighter. Fantastic. Karen. That was awesome. Karen. How's life going? It's really good. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Fun. Is it true? Have you ever been with a MMA fighter? Yeah. I let Gary Tonin come in me. Whoa. He's the lion tamer. Look him up. Ooh. Have you ever heard of Gary Tonin before? Okay. This checks out. Really? Thank you. Have you ever let an Owen three fighter come in you before? Anything can happen, right? I think, I think you might be Owen four after this. I love it. Karen, you're great. You're from New York. You live in New York. That's right. I love New York. I love Austin, though. Hell yeah. There's some similarities between Manhattan and Austin. Like in Manhattan, we have ladies who lunch. In here, you guys have ladies who poop in their shoes. It's like Cinderella when they step in it. It's so fun. So many Winnie the Poohs out there, all shirts, no pants. I love them. I love it. They're out there. I love it here. They are. Yeah. Are you racist? No, no. That was just a joke. I do let guys come at me, though. I don't know. If you were going to be racist. Right. Which one? What race would you pick? I'm just kidding. I mean, I don't know. Jews? Yeah. I love Jews. I went on a bachelorette trip with 14 Jewish women. I'm not Jewish. If you really love Jews and Toyotas, boy, do I have a guy for you to meet. Karen, you're fantastic. Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming in. Karen Feehan. Karen Feehan, everybody. Very funny. You guys having fun out there? We're back to the bucket, everybody. We're going to meet one all together by the name of Luke Aaron. Put your hands together for Luke, everybody. Dating is hard nowadays. I was sleeping with this one girl. I have. I absolutely loved her. I would have done anything for her, but it turns out she had no heartbeat. It annoys me when old people say, oh, you guys have it so easy nowadays. Like, yeah, y'all had to go to war or whatever, but we also had to deal with trauma. You know, I remember I was like. Oh, we had to deal with porn advertisements. I remember I was like 12 years old, and I looked up nude girl with breasts. And then all of a sudden, I was like, oh, I'm going to have to deal with porn. And then all of a sudden, an ad pops up for where, you know, there was a midget that got gangbanged by basketball people. You know, that shit scarred me. Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah. So for the old people, for their trauma, they got called a hero and got a purple heart. All I got was called a pervert and got a purple butt. A purple boner. All right, thank you. That's my time. All right. Yeah. Luke Aaron, you've been on the show a couple times, aren't you, Matty? A couple times. I was on panel. Yes, my first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember, yeah. Basketball people, like black people. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That was like the joke. That was the joke. Yeah, like, yeah, yeah, mm, I got that one, yeah. Now, last time you were on, you did awkward poetry. I did awkward poetry. And the first time you were on, you said, you don't want to do open mics because you're afraid people will steal your material. Am I correct? Was that you? Are you still with the girlfriend that you mentioned? Yes, actually, yes. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do, so I know you guys hated the poem the last time, but I do have another poem. But this time, this time, this, I may, I, you know, this one's a little more serious this time. Am I allowed to read it? How long is the poem? It is shorter. I know anything is short. I had to stop you last time. You did. How shorter is it? It's a bit shorter. If you had to guess the length from the start to the end of the poem. Two minutes. That's crazy. You're out of your mind. Is there anything we don't know about you from the interviews that you've been on? I can juggle. I'm, I'm actually hilarious, but I just, I didn't, I didn't, it's not coming across right now, but I swear. And then, and then. I, I also, I also have a poem. What? Are you also the person that hates, you're very religious, right? Yes. So, yeah, yeah, I am. I was. I'm not anymore. I've kind of, I, in college, I like. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. In college, I really like. All right. Oh, man. Dude, you gotta. Sorry. You gotta take a break from signing up. For this show, this is like unbelievable. You don't prepare, you don't test out any material anywhere, and you just write very long poems that nobody wants to hear. Rhyming, like, isn't that crazy or hard. Okay. Fair enough. Poems aren't really a thing anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. What? I want to hear, I want to hear what your response is to that. Have you never had anybody tell you you fucking stink before in your life? No. Um, yeah, maybe a few people. You ever play sports? I bet you never played. Exclusional. Did you ever play sports? I did play sports. What sports? I played basketball. Basketball? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where? Where? What city? Wisconsin. Milwaukee. Oh, you're probably fucking great in Wisconsin basketball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Um. Did you play, were you a starter on your team in basketball? I was a starter, but there was about 10 people, or 10 guys in my high school that were, you know, capable of playing. You know. I was in a wheelchair. Three of us had autism, you know, so I, I made the team. Right. Yeah. Is that the group of guys that bang the midget? Bang the midget? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you're talking about now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, see, I just don't think you've ever had like, I don't know, a reality check of any kind. If you're not doing open mics. Yeah. And you're just coming here and, and barely getting through a set and then going, but I have a very long poem. Yeah. Yeah. That's not what this show is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're going to have to figure out something else. Or do open mics and figure out if the material that you're going to do on this show works at all. You're really not doing open mics? I, I do. I do it every once in a while. Like which ones? I do Kick Buck Coffee and then which other ones have I been to? Which other ones? How many times a week? I've been in Wisconsin. Zero times a week. Probably, probably a total of five open mics total ever, am I correct? Probably. Closer to 10. All right. All right. So there you go. This is bad. Yeah. You gotta go to open mics. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You gotta do something else, buddy. You're right. All right. Give it six months. Sign up again in six months. Okay? Okay. Okay. Yeah. This isn't just the get attention show. Okay. There you go. I'm sorry. Yes. With a mic minimum. Matt Muehling, who never talks, has a great idea. You have to do at least fucking 50 open mics before you sign up again. You have six months to do that. That's not that hard. Okay. Okay. All right. So, the Kill Tony exit of Luke Aaron. Sometimes shit gets real. You got a girl that didn't know what she was signing up for. You have a guy that literally just wants attention. And there you go. Gay. I remember something about him. He said last time he was angry at his girlfriend for showing too much skin. Remember that? He hated showing her legs and stuff like that. Weird stuff. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hey, Luke, you want to come be the sound guy for the rest of the episode? We need some poems. All right. Hello there, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. It's easy to get started. Sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider. Typically within 48 hours. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist. Unlike other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through Talkspace so you can get the medication you need to supplement the talk therapy if needed. Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay. Now I'm going to let my man Redband tell you why he loves Talkspace. Oh, you know I love Talkspace. That's right. Talkspace has been providing some of the best mental health treatment around. Therapy has led me to some real moments of transformation. That's right. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com/Tony and enter promo code Space80. That's S-P-A-C-80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com/Tony and enter promo code Space80. Yama Va Resort and Casino at San Manuel is California's number one entertainment destination for today's superstars. Catch the Jonas Brothers return to the Yama Va Theater stage on April 30th. The powerful vocals of Demi Lovato on May 17th. And the signature Southern Country rock of Eric Church on July 19th. Tickets on sale now at yamavatheater.com. Only at Yama Va Resort and Casino. Celebrating its 40th anniversary. You in? Must be 21 to enter. Your next bucket bowl, anything can happen, clearly. Clearly anything can happen. Goes by the name of Chase Standen, everybody. Chase Standen. What's going on, y'all? I've got a new girlfriend. She's kind of pushy in the bedroom. Like, she's very instructional. Like, God, every time I go down on my girl, I feel like I'm playing a fucked up game of bop it. Because I'm down there with my A game. I'm doing my best, and she's just giving me instructions like, flick it. lick it kiss it suck it push it pull it lick it suck it suck it suck it bop it also can we be real that's like an impossible game to beat my high score is like three pass it to a friend my girlfriend's got a landing strip pull it my girlfriend's got a landing strip i call that shit the gaza strip i uh i call my girlfriend's vagina gaza because i shoot loads at it and children are dying in there that's good checks out with me chase sandon welcome chase have you been on this show before no i haven't welcome welcome how long you been on stand-up a year and a half and i've been signing up the entire time wow congrats you finally got up crazy that this is the first time we've gotten you up meanwhile luke aaron has bored us to death three or four times absolutely incredible hey he's making my job easy he makes you look great this is the second time tonight somebody's gone up after somebody that was horrendous and looked real good you look great we don't even know if you're great but anything's better than that uh no very funny chase was all that comedy done in austin you from austin yes i started out here nice where you originally from denver okay cool what do you do for work i just became a full-time producer at a in stand-up nice i uh this is fucking crazy i met the owner of the aquariums out here and uh fucking talked my way into a contract so i'm gonna be producing shows in aquariums of all places you're gonna be doing comedy shows in aquariums yes sir yes sir this guy that you met god every time i'm about to replace you with a poem you do something like that and you completely redeem yourself okay so the guy that you met goes hey what's up i'm the head of aquariums like what i don't understand there's a there's like an aquarium boss it's fishy as fuck oh you slap a bet was that all a lie to get that joke to god i uh it's i i met him through a friend you know he was a mormon for 45 years of his life and he's a pothead uh so i've been dealing with that and now he's gonna see this so i might not be a full-time producer anymore uh yeah you might be in deep water yeah i love it so chase what did you do before becoming an imaginary aquarium producer oh man i feel like every job i've had is fucking fake i uh i was like a salesman for open ai but i didn't sell anything i just wrote prompts for them and i used chat gpt to produce my work so wow i wasn't allowed to do that i just like spent hours being like make sure this doesn't come out like a like it's ai that's actually a funny bit man right there i'm working on it it's got some legs it's got some fins there you go okay what's another job give us a give us another job while you have the dolphins this is this is insane i used to do door-to-door sales it was commission only i got guns pulled on me i got chased by pitbulls the worst it's like the thing with door-to-door is like i'm gonna close this deal at your kitchen table right this guy's my fucking dad's age his daughter's my age and i'm about to close like a 60k deal and he's like i'll buy it if i can see it i was like what and he was like i'll buy it if i can see it and then the guy groped me fucking grabbed my dick 60k sale though yeah hey anything for the clothes anything for the fucking clothes dude that's just a grope it's just a grope yeah that's warm-up dude yeah dude i fucking that's jujitsu what were you selling uh solar panels and did you did you close that deal no i ran out of the house i i fucking froze these days you can't even grab dude's cock they just run out like oh fucking pussies wow as soon as you ran out he must have been like yeah started up his diesel uh engine that he runs everything off of it i'm already hard by the time you groped me who's scared now i'm ready i'm ready dude fucking how much money did you make selling solar panels door-to-door commission i worked for them for like four months i probably made like three grand wow fucking awful yeah it's awful all i got was my fucking honked dick right what's the sales pitch for a solar panel oh god you uh you care about the environment no okay neither do i uh okay yes i do i do i do i love it i love it i love i love you love the environment i love it you like the sun i love this you want to make money from the sun hell yeah honk there you go we give us some more jobs chase give us some more of your wacky job i uh i worked at home depot i worked in the garden department aka the milf department yeah tell us about that i was uh i need a hose yeah i bet you didn't mind getting groped there huh no dude i i was looking for it in the back i was like come here you you want to you want to water this plant i was forklift certified and this was in boulder colorado there was a dispo right behind it so on my lunch break i'd go get high as fuck and just drive the forklift around wow i had friends that's all those videos you know when a forklift just takes the whole warehouse is this guy yeah i had uh friends that worked with me and like you need two people to work with me like you've been in home depot you know the guy with the forklift they got flags and shit i'd bring my buddy over and we'd just pull shit down and put it back up with no purpose yeah it's like i'm on the forklift you're not going to tell me i'm not doing my job yeah anything you need dave what thing you need what city was this in where there's white guys working at home depot again boulder colorado boulder colorado one of the safest ranked the best city to live in it's like true or something it is i'm lucky i came from boulder to here okay give us another job another job oh man i uh ew i was a recruiter it's your favorite sound in the world i was a recruiter i sold people not like that uh all right okay i guess we ran out of funny jobs oh it was a caddy i was a caddy for a little bit oh that was very unique you were pretty caddy towards the guy that groped you yeah could have had solar panels all right maddie what's cooking over there what do you think about this guy what did you say before he grabbed your car i think i said something like you want to do this it's probably giving him the wrong idea i was like are we doing this or not man probably oh we're doing it maybe i got the story confused you said he had a daughter that was your age was she there when he did that uh no he was like a married man with daughters so he was like a closeted gay guy and they were like in the house and he's like talking shit about how much he hated his wife and then he was just like let's see it wow incredible chase what's another fun fact about your life that we would find very interesting uh before i got into stand-up i did like a year of acting and self-tapes and then i found comedy through acting i just i like this way more but yeah well you're good man you did a good job tonight great job here's a big joke but thank you chase stand-in ladies and gentlemen we have a special treat for you guys performing for you tonight is one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history ladies and gentlemen you know her you love her make some noise for the great fiona cauley everybody she's here live in the flat the one and the only make some noise one more time for fiona cauley everybody i uh i know i've talked a lot about being married but uh i used to be like a real big whore okay and i don't feel bad about it i think anyone in my situation would have done the same okay you know i was 18 i was single diagnosed with this shit i thought i was dying you know i wanted to roll into as much dick as possible you know and then you find out you're not really dying and now you're like just a whore Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! - And that is a hard truth to live with. But back in my day, I had a good amount of one-night stands, okay? But I'm a normal lady. Sometimes I wanted to, like, sneak out. Hmm. This shit made it impossible. Every time I back up. Okay, so I did figure out, like, a workaround for it. I started only fucking black guys. Yes. The great Fiona Cawley, ladies and gentlemen. Fiona! How's it going? Good, how are you? I'm fantastic. It must be wild, like, being a guy who fucked you back in the day. And then you show, like. They take too much credit. Yeah. Yeah. And then you show the boys, like, look at her now. Yeah. Fiona, have you ever been with a black man? I have, yeah. You almost said you tried. Now, what exactly does that mean? Didn't fit? Twelve inches. I'm not kidding. That is why I'm in the wheelchair. It feels good, to be honest. Wow. Incredible. Where'd you meet this guy at? College. Okay, we have another one for you right here. That's who I was talking about. Yeah. Deep Madness did a little college tour. Put a lot of ladies in a lot of wheelchairs. A little college tour, a little college whore? Yeah. Hell yeah. A word play. So you had a wild college life, did you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought I was dying. Yeah. Yeah. When was that? How long ago was that? I graduated in 2019. Yeah. Yeah. And you had your condition then? Yeah, I got diagnosed at 18, so right before. Yeah. So you're like, I'm dying. I'm going to fucking fuck a black guy. That's why I can't wait to get my terminal illness diagnosis. Just finally just blast this ass once and for all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm waiting. I'm holding out strong until I have a few months to live. I'm proud of you. I used to bang a girl with cancer, and I thought she was going to die too, so. And she lives still, so. Ah, that's hard. Yeah, it was bad, yeah. I was trying to get more microwaves around the house. I got some Wi-Fi routers. I put an iPad under her pillow. We got vaccines. I tried to make it. She made it though, so now she's out there knowing I have it. I have a tiny cock. Well, that's why she survived, 'cause your cock. Fiona, how's married life going? Really good. Yeah. It's the same. Same old, same old. Yeah. And how's the condition? I think-- You sound great. You look great. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I think the meds are working. Uh-huh. The doctor's solid. Thank you. Woo! Woo! You know, it's actually funny. People ask me a lot if the medicine is working, which is a really hard thing to answer, 'cause all they're supposed to do is, like, stop me from getting worse. So the question is, like, have you noticed nothing? You know? Yeah. And the only, like, real evidence I have that it might be working is that every time I post a video online, there are always hundreds of people that comment, "If you put this in 2X speed, you're cured," you know? And now-- Now they're commenting, "If you put this in 1.5X speed." Ooh. Look at that. Yeah. Amazing. We're watching. Dustin? What's up? What's up? I got beef with you. Ooh. This Netflix UFC card's about to get a little bit crazier. Try to low-kick her. She feels nothing. My secret sauce. Now, on my birthday, I bet $300 on you. Oh, shit. Who'd I fight? Oh, motherfucker, I was fucked up. I don't remember. But it was July. Shit. July 19th, and I was furious, because I don't know anything, but my husband is gay for you, yeah. I think that was, if it was July, it was my retirement fight. Yeah. Oh. Hey, you're beautiful, and I love that you can walk, and it's so good on you. The what? You can walk. I love that. Yeah. Well, that's great that you got to watch his last fight, and he got to watch your last set. That is so awesome. What an exciting thing. She's actually going to leave her, she's going to leave her wheels on the stage, like you guys leave the gloves in the octagon. She's going to be like, "Oh, my God, I can't do this anymore." We'll see what happens next. Choose the company I trust, Endurance. If your vehicle is less than 20 years old, Endurance offers auto protection on the drive train, AC, and more. Act now and get one full year of Elite benefits, a $2,000 value, free. For your free quote, go to endurancewarranty.com. That's endurancewarranty.com. We're just going to go through this next bucket pool, just me and you, Dustin. Make some noise for him. It's Isaiah Washington, everybody. ♪♪ My dad was in and out of my life, but that was pretty normal in my neighborhood, y'all. It was so bad at my elementary school that if you had a dad, we would make fun of you. Oh, your dad took you to Disneyland? Ha ha, you must be gay. Out there sucking on Disney dick. You know what was pretty gay? Being raised by a single mother. Every Saturday, I had to go shopping with her at Lane Bryant. If you don't know what that is, that's a Victoria's Secret for big bitches. Like. I love my mom, though, but she raised me super religious. Like, so religious, like, to the point I used to feel shame about certain things when I was becoming a man. For example, the first time I seen titties, I cried. I was looking in the mirror like, "Yo, those not supposed to be there." Like. Like, "Why, God, why?" And I know I'm a bigger guy, but there are some women out there that like bigger men. Whoo! Fuck y'all, Austin! I was waiting for a fucking standing ovation, goddamn it! Thank you, I've been Isaiah Washington from Fresno, California. Wow, perfect, amazing. Isaiah Washington. Yeah, buddy. I love that set. Thank you, man. So good. Thank you, I appreciate it. I love that premise that if you had a dad, you got made fun of. Oh, yeah. For real. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? So, I'm about to hit my seventh year. Seventh year, that's right, about what I would have guessed. You're fantastic. Thank you. You're moving up there, the premises are great, the enunciation. execution everything absolutely fucking amazing where you been doing it at so i started in fresno california and i just moved out here to austin about three months ago nice yeah man i'm a fresno baby y'all don't know where that is there's a little ghetto over there but we we cool though we cool no yeah yeah the great uh the late great angelo bowers was from there you ever heard of him nah amazing oh yeah he from there yeah he died in a car accident damn that sucked 15 years ago yeah that's crazy he would he would have been one of the biggest comedians in the world right now oh yeah uh accidentally killed uh but anyway yeah isaiah how uh how's it been in austin it's been pretty good man uh like it's chill out here but the first day i went out uh my phone got robbed that's the only thing man on sixth street man it's crazy like yeah i know i'm a big dude but they somehow snatched my phone out my pocket like you didn't even know no i didn't know what happened yeah it happened to you with me what's small indonesian children oh shit i was in bali with my girlfriend and then small indonesian children got mister mister mister they're so cute and then they took my phone i noticed it back at the hotel so then i was looking for children yeah yeah i i'm pretty sure you found the two huh they're missing no no kids that's why i keep my phone in my pants between my balls and my asshole and crazy enough mine got stolen by a small indonesian child silly isaiah what what do you do for work uh so i work at the vulcan gas company right now yeah it's just yeah doing uh security stuff fuck yeah yeah it's pretty awesome though what'd you do before that uh i used to work with uh special needs adults back in fresno man i also work with a special needs adult that's amazing yeah i can tell the signs right there yeah you i can see it yeah like special needs like what down syndrome and all that we're talking all spectrum high level willing to like people in wheelchairs like you know so let me ask you this i knew well i mean come on fiona doesn't need another reason to want to kill herself not everybody in a wheelchair is special yeah that's true that's true i used to work with a guy my good friend who used to do the same thing do they fuck a lot at your clinic oh yeah they do be doing that yeah yeah they do be doing that but they be having like it's kind of weird though sometimes like you they'll have like a normal boyfriend pick them up and you'd be like like oh bro that ain't cool like she got autism dog like bad yeah don't have autism all right we guess we know who the boyfriend is here jesus christ oh my god red make her make her suck your dick with a lollipop with a lollipop yeah they love that shit i never tried that so this was like an actual clinic so there's a lot of people yeah it was a day center so they come from like in the daytime only then they go back to like a group home oh yeah okay so what's the wildest thing you ever saw these special people man i'm gonna be real i know this too lovey-dovey but a lot of them were like really dope and really cool but one of them did just shit in the hallway out of nowhere and and you know it's our job to pick it up and shit and i made somebody else do it i have to like i didn't see it and just walk right past it so i'm sorry about that but i ain't doing that bro like that's right it was a big dude too like bigger than me like oh just right on the ground just right there that's unacceptable red band why did you do that god damn it right i dropped you off at the daycare center i do these nice things for you and your asshole ain't retarded that's funny amazing but that's like a good karma job yeah yeah yeah that's why i got pulled to the daycare center i got pulled to the daycare center tonight yeah because of that job now if you do something bad you can bring it up to god and be like hey yo yo yo yo yo yeah remember remember the time i walked past the shit bro like come on man give me yeah i'm getting into heaven for sure yeah yeah absolutely uh isaiah tell us more about your life do you have brothers and sisters yeah i got uh i got a lot of half siblings i don't got any full ones uh my dad's black my mom's mexican that y'all didn't know and shit but uh uh my brothers and sisters i got a lot of half siblings i don't got any full ones uh my dad's black my mom's mexican that y'all didn't know and shit but uh uh my brothers and sisters like uh in and out of my life too just in and out living with my dad in cleveland and then i was in cali the whole time and uh yeah seeing them every once in a while you know what i mean one of my sisters about to get married uh my other brothers in jail what is your brother in jail for uh yeah let's just say uh what's it called like a homies you know what something something like uh uh murder murder yeah yeah i'm not gonna talk too deeply on that because it's real it's real but that's like cool to have like a brother yeah yeah i mean fuck with me yeah don't fuck with me yeah yeah i'll call my brother and he's gonna be like how am i going doesn't pay you you're like yeah yeah hell yeah i got i got got connections in the walls yeah amazing yeah and your mom's the mexican yeah she's a mexican did you ever get to meet your dad uh yeah i did i did i did i got to meet him he was in and out of my life like i'll see him like in the summertime and stuff like that he'll come by and say what's up he would in the summertime yeah yeah he was like a rapper or trying to be a rapper yeah wow so i'll be in the studio and stuff getting hot box at like eight years old and does he have something on spotify or something uh he got something on youtube but he's not what's the rap it's called squadrick click uh i don't even know how you would begin to spell that i'm guessing an s and a q s q s q u a d r i c k i mean squadrick click not first not first thanks first yeah yeah this is the shit i grew up on like so it's only got 1002 views from 13 years ago wow it turns out a lot of people don't go to visit your dad either it's amazing it's good only visit my son in the summertime yeah i was like nine years old and come to the studio i'm like yeah i mean it's a lot of another nigga will that's your brother hold on a second i noticed something i noticed something pretty amazing here the the song debuted on youtube 13 years ago it has 1002 views uh-huh and 11 years ago two years after it came out there's only one comment yeah on this yeah on this video and it is from someone named isaiah the comic yeah that's me and it and the comment on the youtube profile says whoa where you find this at yeah i was shocked what would you like to know i don't know who uploaded that and all i did was have a cd of him on my cd player i didn't even know it was out there like that and what were you doing just randomly googling your dad 11 years ago oh yeah man stop with your awes these white lady awes shut up yeah i just wanted i wanted to see if he made any money or anything like that yeah man and uh i found out somebody somebody stole his shit and i'm gonna find them man oh you think someone's profiting off of the 1 000 views yeah they got like a five cent five cent or something like that man but yeah that's the closest your dad's ever been to having a 50 cent like career true true true man my dad tried though man my dad did pass away though that's why i probably left that comment a long time ago i was like oh yeah let me listen to him reminisce to that one time he seen me now that that is sad how did your father pass away oh he passed away from being like overweight it's crazy though because he like got shot multiple times and shit like when he was younger and shit but he survived it and then like heart disease dog sugar is the hardest gangster ever sugar goes hard sugar looks at guns like this yeah let's go sugar took my daddy out and i've been trying to and i'm glucose that's why i eat so much sugar because i'm trying to kill all the sugar dogs like that's right hell yeah do you walk into dunkin donuts like isaiah i find you to be unbelievably hilarious keep signing up come back again we want to see more of you all right there you go isaiah washington funny guy all right back to the bucket we go make some noise for mark neuer everybody mark i like him a lot i'm a big fan of alex jones uh the thing about him is he he says some things that are true right because he's like a real controversial guy he says some things that are true though for example he said they're gonna fly planes into the twin towers that's not funny it's just true he said that of june of 2001 he did right right now i'm not a college educated into individual, right? But I do know that June comes before September every fucking year. Like I said, I didn't go to college. I dropped out of high school. So I don't know if they're putting chemicals in the water that are turning the freaking frogs gay. I don't know. I don't know. But I do know that the frogs probably didn't want to be outed. Thank you. Okay, Mark. No, we are welcome. Welcome. This is your first time on the show. Yeah. Nice. How long you been on stand up? Coming up on nine years. Wow. Where at? San Francisco. The whole time? I started in Manteca, California. You still live in San Fran? Nope. You live here now? 10 minutes ago. 10 minutes ago? 10 months. Oh, okay. Perfect. It's happened before where people literally have gotten here 10 minutes ago. Um, okay, Mark, what do you do for work? Right now? I'm a daytime bartender on sixth. Okay, how's that going for you? It's good money. Fun, right? Yes. Time bartender. Yeah. Interesting choice. The nighttime is when you make the big bucks. You'd be surprised. Huh? I think you'd be surprised. It's an inside podcast. Anyway, that is a good. It's a great reference. I love it. Mark is bartending what you were doing when you were in San Francisco. Yeah. Yeah, I was working comedy venue as a bartender. Do you steal money as a bartender too? I used to be a bartender. Not anymore. Not anymore. Uh huh. On sixth street in San Francisco. I did though. Exactly. Yeah. I used to do that too. You have to. How, how, what's the, what's the scam? What are you doing to me? Like what's that? What are you trying to do to me? Okay. I open up first and then you open. Yeah. All right. Tell us your scam. Tell us the Estonian fucking credit card. Like a bartender. It's pretty easy. Uh, from one big bottle of booze, you can get about 16 double cocktails. The revenue price that the bar has is of course so much higher than the market price. So you bring your own bottles and you have a side register. One for you, one for me. I was like Robin Hood, but for myself. Wow. That's a pretty good one. And then sometimes do Americans, do you, you guys all free pour, right? I do. Yeah. You can steal it a little bit, you know, like if it's four centiliters of alcohol, every fourth cocktail is for free cause you dry them up short. You're very serious about this. Very serious. And then from one draft, you know, like the big jug, the draft beer from the one big, the keg. Yeah. You get 66 beers, but with foam it's actually 58 beers. So you can steal the six. I got to tell you, I'm, I'm from Stockton, California. You're losing me with all these numbers. So what was your scam? Void the drinks after, void a few drinks, not ring them in. When the people paid cash, you would just take the cash. In San Francisco. Yeah. Yeah. Not at my current job. Right. Exactly. Very well put. Amazing. Amazing note. Amazing footnote. You would never do that. Now, but you totally did it then. Yes. Nice. Mark, uh, tell us more about your life. What exactly are you into? I play a lot of league of legends on my phone specifically on my surprise. Yeah. Fat dude likes league of legends. Yeah. I did know this. You can rest your microphone. I can't. I do. It's a crazy move. I'm a big boy, baby. Big boy. Yeah. I play league of legends. League of legends. Anything else other than the league of legends? You do anything? You seem like a, I've been doing a little bit of putt putt golf. Oh shit. All right. I'm athletic. How many times, how many times do you think you've putt putted recently? Show me your putt stance. I don't think you can see the ball. Okay. Whoa. It's actually very good. That's pretty good. Wow. Look at that. Uh, we just went to, uh, Peter, the Peter Pan one, the local one. They have the racist statues. Oh, I didn't know about this. Now I want to go. Yeah, that's great. Wow. They have a dude doing a full blown SIG Heil. Okay. That's it. Now it's, uh, Hey dude, what are you trying to do to me up here, man? They changed him from, uh, from like a, I don't know, essentially a Nazi to a, he's a pirate now. So his SIG Heil hand has a little hook. Are you serious? The SIG Heil handoff. Yeah. Where is this at? It's, uh, office South first in Barton, Springs, I think. Yeah. They're about to tear it down and they just, yeah, they saved it. Yeah. Wait, what's it called? Peter Pan's putt, putt extravaganza place or something. Damn. Oh, you've been there? No, I know about it though. We all know about it. Very interesting. Very interesting. Mark, you have a, you have a girlfriend or anything like that? Yeah. In San Francisco. Okay. She's a comedian too. Oh, nice. Amazing. How long have you two been together? Just hit our one year anniversary a couple months ago. Who's better? Uh, she's way funnier than I am. Really? She didn't sign up. Not tonight. Right. Another show, which is, you know, what are you going to do? Yeah. Another show? Yeah. She gets booked. Oh, wow. It's a luxury at nine years in comedy. I don't have an Austin right now. Anything can happen. Anything can change. Here's a big joke book, Mark. I like your style. Sign up again sometime. Thank you very much. We're going to keep it moving along here. You guys still hanging in there? We're coming around the corner. Everybody good? All right. This looks like a brand new name, so this should be fun. Make some noise for Flash Goron. Flash Goron. Here comes Flash. How's it going, everybody? My name is Flash Goron. I'm Bosnian and I don't know what that means either. Yeah. I don't even know my own stereotypes. Which is kind of weird. All I know is that other Europeans get very nervous when I'm around them. And you're welcome. That's all I have to say about that. If somebody came up to me and said, you know, all Bosnians are bad drivers, my response would be, you know, what else? I want to know. I'm going to get my Glock out and take some notes. Glock also makes pens. Not everyone knows that. I'm not the best representative from Bosnians. I know that I forgot most of the language. And I'm a good driver. And also, I think I just forgot the rest. Thanks, guys. Flash Goron. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show, Flash. Thank you. Hi, Ari. What's up? Not much, buddy. How are you? Stereotype by Bosnians. A stereotype is you steal, you lie. I know, but hey, come on. I used to know a truck driver that told me if you ever drive through Bosnia, you don't stop. That's good to know. I haven't been there in a while. Flash, I'm going to tell you right from the top here. I got to tell you, you seem like one of the nicest, most chill people. Ever. I appreciate that, Tony. Thank you. Look at every response. He's like, wow, I didn't know that. Thanks a lot. You're adorable. How old are you? 37, 38 on Friday. Okay. Well, happy upcoming birthday, my friend. Thank you. You're a very likable guy. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? First time ever. First time ever. The sound of a goat. What made you want to start here tonight? Just wanted to go out of town for a while and stop by. And I thought this would be a fun time. Where do you live now? Amarillo. Amarillo, Texas? Originally from Bosnia, but I lived in Amarillo most of my life. Okay. From one war-torn area to the next. Exactly. What made you pick Amarillo? I didn't. I was eight, so I was the youngest in my family. I don't know if you know this. One of the most interesting fun facts you'll ever hear. Matt Muehling is from Amarillo, Texas. The original guitarist here. Look at him. Are you liberal? That's a wild question, Red Band. I dislike both sides equally. There you go. Very good answer. Amazing answer. You're like a really sweet guy. Yeah. I appreciate that, Art. You like watch the show and stuff. Yeah, I do. You might be one of the most nice people that I've ever pulled out of the bucket before. Can you tell us like the worst, the meanest thing you've ever done in your life? Dustin, what do you think it is? I think he groped a door-to-door salesman, probably. Fucking perfect. Boy, when he lands, they land. Holy shit. I actually was a door-to-door salesman for a while, so you're not wrong. Amazing. If somebody groped you, would you close the deal? Oh, absolutely. Respect. Thank you for that. That was very nice of you. I really appreciate it. What did you sell? You seemed like a crazy guy to show up. as a door-to-door kid. I was just inviting you in for a blast. over you make you some tea yeah I sold vacuums a long time ago that's all I've done door-to-door hey this work is pretty dirty yeah everybody like a $2,000 vacuum cleaner did were you good at selling them not really no okay what do you do for work now currently unemployed I was an analyst for 14 years and then I got let go and then I worked at a slaughterhouse for about a year oh my god oh my god well hello there little cow I got bad news for you today I don't know exactly how to break this to you but you know you're gonna be used for better things than just standing out in the field now people are gonna be you're gonna be able to give people life Wow when you kill them what did you feel I didn't actually do the killing I did a lot of the cleaning up after oh oh wow $2,000 vacuum cleaner huh damn now that's a pretty frightening job right up I mean we cannot picture you one of the sweetest people ever pulled out of the bucket mopping up cow blood is the cows mostly cows yeah cow blood and yeah it's pretty gross organs and shit all on the floor Wow all on the floor someone's got to do it and I'm the guy for the job gosh darn it if not me then who if not now then when amazing I really like you what's the what's the what's the craziest thing that ever that you ever saw at the slaughterhouse where you're like god this is this is kind of crazy when the when the vents get clogged up and the blood just kind of and then what you have to like plunge it or something like that yeah I have to take it apart and then make sure that make sure that all the drains out I'm sorry some people what I love about this audience some people are covering their faces in fright and some dudes in the corner are cracking up right now just laughing at the fact that you'd have to remove a vent and chop up what's already been chopped up amazing flash what's your love life like what do you have chained up to a radiator right now nothing currently but I do have a girlfriend you don't have a girlfriend you don't have a girlfriend you don't have a You do? Oh, my goodness. What's that? I'm surprised too, Ari. You're adorable. On Bumble. Hey. Hey. I don't like starting conversations, and you have to, the girl has to talk first when you match, so that was perfect for me. Oh, my goodness gracious. So she started the conversation, and then what? Where did you take this girl on your first date? We went to a restaurant the first time, and then we went to Palo Duro Canyon the second time. What was that? We went to Palo Duro Canyon the second time. What is that exactly? Palo Duro Canyon is the second biggest canyon in the world, I think. Oh, wow. It's in Amarillo? Wow. Okay. And then where did you plant that first kiss at? Was that in the canyon? Is she still in the canyon? Did she go for the kiss first? No, that was me. Damn. Oh, my goodness. So what was your move? Were you guys having a conversation at the time, or were you looking up at the stars? How did that, tell us about that first kiss. We were at the park, and she talked about how she wanted to have a boyfriend, and she didn't want to be friends anymore, and I just kind of went for it right away. Wow. So you, like, closed your eyes and leaned in like that? Yeah, I think so. Hell yeah, perfect. Hey, would you like to kiss? Would you like to sit on my cock later? And now you guys. Are you there? And now you guys have sex on a regular basis. A couple times a week. I love it. Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you like to do? Because you have such a cool name, Flash Garan. It seems like almost a porn star name. Would we be shocked to see your violent behavior in the. What's your big move in the bedroom? What's your favorite thing to do during sex? It's pretty basic. Yeah? You throw a thumb in her ass and make her gag with your other hand? That sounds about right. Okay, perfect. Sometimes I'm just on the money, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just. Sweet Sarah Sloan's like, is that really what happens? No, I'm kidding, Sarah. Amazing. Flash, wow. Does she, like, boss you around in the bed? Not all the time. Hmm. Flash, I find you to be such a. Such a sweet guy. What do you want to. What are your goals? Like, what do you want to do with the rest of your life? You're 37, you're currently unemployed, is that correct? That's correct. Where do you see the rest of your life going? You are comically adorable. I appreciate that. He has to say he appreciates it. He can't just let it go. He's so sweet that he has to let us know that he appreciates it. I just want to find a job and hopefully something with a lot of vacation time so I can go travel as much as I can. Where do you want to travel? Thailand? Um. No, I like the state of Washington better. Okay. I can explain. Yeah, go ahead, explain. Why do you love the state of Washington? So my favorite thing to do is called wing walking. It's where you get on top of an airplane while it's flying. And then you just ride around on the plane. They used to have that in Washington. Yo. Wait a second. On top of the plane like you're. If I told. On top of the plane. I really hope we won't crash. What the hell? Airplane, can you please take care of me? Wow, it was a really good time up there. Quite the. Such a funny guy to tell your girlfriend like, hey, you want to go wing walking? I actually did tell her that. Are you going to take her sometime? I took her once. She didn't pass the training. Ah. What is the training for? Wing walking, exactly. Basically, you're just. The plane's on the ground and you climb up and down the plane. What did she have trouble with? Climbing up. The climbing up. So is she. No, I'm doing the climb. Was this a climb like she needed some carabiners and a guy at the bottom holding the rope and. She's a big, big, big girl. No, it's just hard to do. You have to have a background in climbing and pretty athletic, so. How many times have you wing walked? Three times. Wow. My goodness. That is incredible. And you love it. Yeah, it's my favorite thing. Wow. What's your second favorite thing? That is an answer we've never had on this show in its history, by the way. We've never had someone that works at a slaughterhouse and we've never had a wing walker before and goddammit, this is the last guy that I would ever think would do either one of those things. Second favorite thing, jumping off the stratosphere building in Vegas. You jumped off of it? Yeah, you can bungee jump off of it. Oh, okay. You're a real adrenaline junkie. Surprisingly, yeah. Very surprisingly. It is very surprising. This is incredible. Wow. Are you ticklish? Very. I would have guessed that, yeah. There's a lot of pent-up energy in there. When you. When you want to burn off some steam flash, what do you do locally? Like, when you're in Amarillo or here or whatever, like, when you want to get loose, when you feel a little antsy, what do you do? Hiking, weightlifting, video games, just pretty basic stuff. I love it. What makes you, like, really fucking, like, angry? Yeah, that's a great question because I can't picture you getting angry now that I've met you. Like, what was the last thing where you were like, fuck! Yeah, exactly. Great fucking question. Uh, probably from losing my job. How did you react? I tell you, I tell you. Listen, you're a nice guy, but, uh, we gotta let you go. Fuck! Hey, look at that. Well, Flash, uh, what's your, uh, social media in case someone that wants to hire you can reach out to you for something? Because you seem like a fucking, you seem like just a decent, very decent human being. Thank you, Tony. Had to say it. I had to say it. It's unbelievable. I love it. It's Flash Goran. Flash Goran. That's your real name. No, my name is, uh, my name is Goran. I just, uh, have a nickname, Flash Goran. I love it. Because you're so fast. Yes. At work. And you still live in Amarillo, right? Yeah, I still live there. Okay, and that's where your girl lives, too? Yeah. She live with you? Yeah, she does. She's from Amarillo as well, though? Uh, she's originally from L.A. Uh, I'm originally from Bosnia, but we've been, um, in Amarillo, for a long time. So if someone wanted to hire you somewhere else in Texas or somewhere else, you'd be willing to do that? I'm in no way against that. Perhaps someone even in the, uh, wind-walking industry could hire you. That would be awesome. Conceivably. Wow. Well, put it out there. Someone in the wind-walking industry or really anywhere wants to hire Truly, who might be one of the sweetest men we've ever met, hire Flash Goran. We have a big joke book for this guy, even though it was his first time and that was just okay. They're gonna give you one on your way out. I've run out of them up here tonight. Great job. I appreciate you. How about one more time for Flash? You know what? Sometimes being hilarious doesn't help. necessarily matter and it can come from the least expecting places like being adorably sweet and it might sound crazy if you're like listening to this and not watching it but like he's he's oddly genuine yeah you see it really shows about the show if you just are who you are you can always resonate yeah first time it's a great point he is just genuine like it feels like that's that guy lovely guy then again he could be stabbing everyone behind us right now 100 all right let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight you guys with it all right let's see what happens here make some noise for bee lee everybody bee lee oh my my size microphone it's a big deal for me i get haircuts for this get a lot of different reactions on the haircut though younger comic told me bee lee you look like you're in your 20s and 40s at the same time uh had a little girl run up to me said you look like jason momoa the wish.com version heckler told me i look like jason momoa if he was aquaman who only lived in a puddle your laughter indicates you think these are insults but i took him as a compliment because prior to the momoa i was getting walmart mark walberg which i'm fairly certain is just donnie walberg but i could never be donnie not because of the singing dancing acting he can barely do that it's because he married jenny mccarthy and yes jenny was a masturbatory fantasy in my teens and 20s but 40 year old me knows that would be a sexless marriage because she's trying to end autism and you can't do that by a retard thank you folks all right we got there in the end bee lee welcome welcome bee lee i was terrified i was going to get that bear that you were going to what get the bear it comes oh go too late i don't know if you've seen this you kind of look like thank you thank you bee lee amazing i didn't hear you when you said bears when i said what i should have it was because of an audio issue it's all good thank you though i liked you up until that part so now you're that's what's crazy i was doing it more for them tony i apologize please i wish you would have done this set for them too oh oh you're adorable it's good to see that the geico cave man's doing good out here new sweater of all the things that people have told you that you look like neanderthal i like to be the poster child of giving up you look like something that flash should be sweeping up in a slaughterhouse i i saw the guy coming out i feel like he's he's only qualified for jobs where you can't look at him okay all right bee lee how long have you been attempting stand-up bee lee oh uh yeah it's been an attempt of about a little over three years november was my uh okay my uh anniversary all right and you mostly talked about like about 70 80 percent of yourself or things that other people have called you if they really called you that or were you using that as a device most of that was most of that was true and you know i punched it up yeah most of that happened right there was a good donnie walberg thing at the end the little remix there that made sense be lee let's talk about your life you ever wind walk before no no what do you like to do for fun wind walking for fun um i just took rollerblading back up whoa holy shit i cannot picture that i cannot picture you out there on rollerblade i got a really active dog i grew up playing hockey and coaching hockey so okay i can get a lot more energy out if i roll and you live in austin i do now well i live in kyle so okay and you're the only human rollerblading in kyle texas yeah yeah how many times do pickup trucks fly by you screaming a homophobic slur my neighborhood i feel is like very much people that lived somewhere else i don't think there are many texas people in my neighborhood okay i would bet that the city of kyle would disagree with that tremendously the city has a generalization yes the city of kyle but my particular what do you do for work beely uh currently unemployed wow very unemployed uh crew we have here tonight yeah i was doing construction for a little while but i think either he got arrested or is just ghosting me like your boss yeah well he's not my boss anymore but yeah he was what did you do on the construction site they they had me like building fences and decks and stuff huh yeah power tools what a what a life we're living i got a face for power tools okay uh bee lee how long have you been unemployed uh it's about a year now it's been about a year that you've been unemployed yeah how'd you make the cushion of money last so long uh i was working for you know up until we moved out here and i had saved up a lot of money who's we i have a female at home okay do you have kids the way you said it we don't by the way the way you said it very scary yeah i got a female at home yeah well what is she i like to what does she do for a living she's the main provider correct a hero tony she's a nurse uh-huh yeah wow have you ever say that they'll tell you within seconds nurses yeah yeah um okay how do you contribute to this household i uh i clean i do all the manly stuff like you know the like breaking bricks with my head and uh you know mow the lawn and uh we got a really bad ant infestation that's a problem here in texas um so i had to re-caulk the whole house that was fun you know um but a lot of vacuuming folding of laundry uh you know letting her vent about her day which i would otherwise you know interject if i had a job yeah why haven't you gotten a job in a year uh well i i you know i was doing the construction and then a year ago no no not well it was less than a year ago i haven't had i didn't consider that a real job when's the last time you worked before i moved out here i was selling car parts okay yeah how long have you lived out here it's it's been a little over a year is going on here so so the construction job didn't last that long it was it it was kind of under girlfriend ever asked you when are you gonna get a job it's it's been a conversation more than once yeah yeah yeah for sure what do you say yeah what do you say when she asks you i say hey look at this application that i'm putting in yeah you got to make it very evident you know that leave that laptop has it like caused strain on the relationship not yet but i could get there it's coming yeah yeah if this set went better i was going to beg tony for a job but i don't think it's going to work already that's definitely not if i didn't hire flash i'm definitely not higher in your ass flash is a machine he looks like he looks like i appreciate that tony i hear him in my head saying thank you even though i'm gone i really uh the respect is uh i mean it's just overwhelming tony meanwhile i have your unappreciative ass going i don't know if you've seen the show but uh i haven't worked in a year but like a lot of heroes here once again tony that was just for them i do apologize okay stop all right i shouldn't have laughed somehow you made it weird these feelings oh you're making it weirder that's incredible have you noticed that the sex life has also taken a negative no that's after you stopped that's on the trailer it's on the chore list ari okay yeah what oh you were asking about things i had to do if i'm if i didn't do the sex i'm pretty sure it would be a lot worse okay uh let me tell you something what's give us a redeeming quality about you give us like a good deed that you've done or something like people like uh people tonight have worked saved a guy from drowning once oh really wow look at that where was that at uh it was when i was living in vegas uh we were hiking the arizona wait where is there water in vegas tony he was in the bellagio fountain and uh i mean like it was like the water was up to his waist but i'm like dude get over here and i like saved his ass dude as i was saying we were hiking the arizona hot springs uh-huh and uh about halfway up to the hot springs there's like a big like ledge that you can jump from into the water and i was with a guy from texas and like a some pharmacy kids i was working in pharmacy at the time what were you doing in a pharmacy i was a i was a pharmacy i was a pharmacy technician for a dozen years yeah so i did it for 10 out in vegas so how did you spot that he was drowning was he like oh his girlfriend was like i don't think he's kidding and i looked over and he was breathing water instead of swimming and did you jump in and say i was already in the water i jumped off the cliff already so i came up to him so you were already next to a guy that was drowning and you're like hey here you go some another guy swam to shore so i did better than and that was his actual friend so i saved him and he was a pharmacist so he maybe didn't kill somebody later cool So, you know. I don't know what any of this means, B. Lee. But I'm guessing that was for them, for the crowd or something. B. Lee, everybody. There he goes. B. Lee, everyone. It's hard to come across as likable after Flash Garant. So, I mean, just like some people were bad at comedy tonight and then the next guy was great. I think anyone after Flash seems completely unlikable. Right? Except for our last comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen, who's one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Everybody. Every single week, not only does he write a new minute, he writes about two minutes, doing double the work that he has to do. He's a fucking freak of nature. Here to bring it home, show you how it's done. Make some fucking noise for what was once the dark storm of Atlanta and now is the dark storm of Austin. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody. Yeah! When I first moved to Austin, I was working at this car wash called Surf Through Car Wash. And they hired me as a manager and then afterwards told me that tattoos are not accepted, like they can't be seen at the car wash. And that let me know these niggas aren't good with money. Because the more tattoos you have, the more people trust you with their car. You don't want a blank nigga telling you your rims are dirty. You don't want a blank nigga looking at your transmission. You want a felon with a throat tattoo being like, your filter's dirty. You're like, whatever you need, sir, just don't go back to jail. Tattoos let you know a motherfucker went through something to work here. Like, doctors don't have tattoos. Surgeons don't have tattoos. You know who do? Nurses. Nurses are sexy as fuck. If the hospitals just only had nurses, everybody would be cured. Because them niggas can't wait to shove a needle in your neck and get you the fuck out of there. All I'm saying is, if you can't punch. "If you punch the drywall, you shouldn't be hanging my drywall." Tattoos let me know that you're a blue-collar worker. Like, you, you don't do anything. You don't sweat for work. Not at all. But look at this motherfucker. He's got his tattoos, and he be drumming his fucking ass off. You sitting over here laid back like a bitch. That's my time. I'm sorry, y'all. I love it. Dedrick Flandre. For those of you watching or listening to the show, the guy that he pointed at and said you don't do anything for work is, without a doubt, a guy that doesn't do anything for work. Completely shaking his head no and looks like he's done nothing before. Yeah. You nailed it. Uh, Dedrick, how's life going? Fucking good. Hey, yo, Dustin Poirier, I was gonna say, the only reason you lost that first Conner fight is 'cause that nigga had a throat tattoo, but then you figured it out, and then you whooped that nigga's ass and broke his leg, right? Two times. You know what I'm saying? That's what it is. But you got more tattoos after that. 'Cause tattoos on a white boy raised a battle power, uh, more than it's-- There is something to that tattoo thing. Great premise. Yes. And that is true. You did beat Conner McGregor's ass twice. Twice. -That's incredible. -And I did get more tattoos. Yeah. And I won $1,200. -Absolutely. -Maybe you can pay that chick who-- That chick is Fiona Conner, and she's in a wheelchair. He's gotta-- he's gotta-- you-- Give Fiona her 300. Yeah, I can. I can. That's-- No. I love it. Dedrick, what else is going on in life? Oh, man. I've been touring. Them niggas sent me up to Salt Lake City last week. Um, fuck Salt Lake-- I'm just playing. They bought a lot of tickets, but I didn't-- I thought the city was nice until they started delaying my flight. And then I was like, "Okay, my flight don't leave for extra day. Let me stay." You know what I like to do? I like to drink. Nigga, the bars close at 11:15. Oh, yeah. It is not a good-- That should not be a town. Yeah. That shouldn't even be a city. Like, fuck that-- like, why do-- why do people move there? Mormons be tripping me the fuck out. These niggas be eating mushrooms but can't drink or have caffeine. Yep. I sold a lot of mushrooms as merch. Yeah. Isn't there alcohol less-- alcohol-- The beers are less-- Yeah, they water it-- you have to buy a food menu item before you can, like, purchase that. That-- that was-- that is bullshit. Just say you don't like black people. Like, you know what I'm saying? There are certain cities that when you walk in, it was like, "Hey, we don't serve Hennessy or Heineken." Unless? And I was like, "I haven't even ordered yet." You know what I'm saying? Like, just-- just say you don't want me in your bar. I heard the music, nigga. Paramore was playing, but I love Paramore. Ah. Are Mormons the one that do soaking? Yeah, they do the soak. They do the soak. You know soaking? Yeah, what's your take on it? Well. Explain it to the people that might not know. So-- so. So, like, Dedrick, he can't, like, fuck the bitch, but what he can do is get me while he's around the pussy with his massive cock. Yes. And I'll shake the bed for him. Did you put it-- Well, it's soaking 'cause you put your dick inside, but you don't move. But then I move the bed for you. Yeah, and then you move the bed, and that's called friendship. And to be honest, when I'm doing that, I think at this point, even God would be like, "Just fuck the bitch." Yeah, that was weird. Yeah. You got your friend there. For sure. They-- that was-- it's a weird city 'cause either you are a Mormon-- it was-- in the Mormon Bible, they say that when the devil tricked one-third of the angels to rebel against God, God turned their skin black, so all black people are like devils. They're not wrong right now. But that's-- that's kind of mean, but they said I could be white again if I get saved through the Mormon faith, and I don't think I want to be white. The word "nigga" sounds so good. Let me-- let me-- let me tell you something. It sounds good to us. -Come on. -Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. At Wealthfront.com, client was paid $1,000 for their testimonial, creating a conflict of interest. Outcomes vary. Investment management and advisory services provided by Wealthfront Advisors, LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. Investing involves risk to principal regardless of the strategy used. Task performance does not guarantee future results. Curious about non-alcoholic drinks, but wish you could try before you buy? At Burden of Proof, we help you find zero-proof options you'll actually love. With over 400 beers, wines, spirits, and cocktails, we have LA's largest selection of NA drinks. Plus, free tastings every Saturday from 1 to 4. Discover a hangover-free margarita, complex de-alcoholized wine, whiskey with a real burn, or functional drinks to help you unwind. 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