#764 - JELLY ROLL + THEO VON

♫♫♫ Hey, this is Redneck Company Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Get Over Tony, It's Clay! ♫♫♫ Who's ready for the best fuckin' night of their lives, huh? ♫♫♫ Yay! Thanks so much for throwing in Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. ♫♫♫ Hey man, this is the best damn band in the land. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, make some fuckin' noise for the band. ♫♫♫ John Deese on the keys. ♫♫♫ And this right here is D Madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. ♫♫♫ This episode of the world's number one live podcast is brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, PrizePix, and Quo. What an amazing show we have for you. 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Also, with Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music podcasts and audiobooks all in the Amazon Music app. ♫♫♫ ♫♫♫ ♫♫♫ ♫♫♫ Welcome to the end everybody It's a storytelling show Me and my comedian friends We're all telling true and really terrible stories Into a toddler's face Wild Three sometime Regretful Every STD Horrible I'm gonna fuck you up And amazing stories We just got started I'm gonna stop the terrorists You're in trouble That's reality, huh? It's gonna be a good night It's gonna kill us all Come on back to the fuck You should be in jail Hey man, are you okay? I actually do well You don't fucking talk to me Okay I am a disciple of the Lord I didn't miss the spot How did I get here? How did this happen? That's a good question You guys ready to start the show? You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single episode I book And this one is very, very special Two of my favorite human beings on planet Earth One is one of the biggest comedians in the world The other, one of the biggest musicians in the world Two of my favorite human beings Two of your favorite human beings One has a brand new movie coming out this Friday The other one just won a shit ton of Grammys And every award humanly possible known to man Ladies and gentlemen This is Kill Tony I present to you Theo Vaughn and Jelly Roll Yeah Theo motherfucking Vaughn Jelly Roll is in the house Oh my God This is Kill Tony Busboys out this Friday Oh yeah It is going down ladies and gentlemen Theo Vaughn's new movie Busboys out this Friday April 17th Jelly Roll And I ate it today Together are doing the Greek theater in Los Angeles May 8th And he's here in Austin on April 23rd How cool is that? We have some big plans for the future Theo you're the fucking man Welcome back to Kill Tony Yeah thanks for having me Nice to see everybody Happy evening Yeah man I'm excited to be here And yeah excited about the movie coming out this week So that was something yeah So I'm definitely I'm a little bit nervous But I am excited And that's what I'm doing We are very excited to have you here Go out and see the movie Busboys in theaters If you do More comedians like Theo Will be able to make their own movies Without the big giant studios And all this crap And people in the way And it can happen more often We'll get back to making real comedies That you can go see in movie theaters Wouldn't that be great? Thank you guys Go Theo go Yeah we made it ourselves So we'll see how it is But it's better than a lot of bad shit That's right Theo's been on the show numerous times Jelly Roll has been a musical guest Multiple times But it's Jelly's first time on panel tonight Everybody This is the first thing he's done Since the Grammys Yes long time listener first time caller I love it Well let me just remind all of you About 250 human beings Signed up for the opportunity To be on tonight's show We're not going to get through all of them But if we get through any one of them They get 60 seconds on this stage To attempt stand up comedy You know their time is up When you hear the sound of a kitten That means they have to wrap it up Then or else eventually They bring out the angry West Hollywood bear Which just interrupts their set I conduct an interview The entire thing is improvised Anything could happen Are you guys ready to start Tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket pool We're going to start the show With one of the regulars on the show That means this young man Has the very very tough job Of writing and performing A brand new minute Every single day Every single week On this show Not easy at all It scares a lot of people The thought of that And he does it And above and beyond Every week Starting off tonight's show He's formerly The dark storm of Atlanta He's now the dark storm Of Austin, Texas Make some noise For Dedrick Flynn everybody What's up y'all Did y'all know That a company can buy Your debt from somebody else? Jefferson Capital emailed me And they said Hey we bought your debt From Sprint You owe us money now No nigga you bought it That's yours now If I leave a dog outside And you adopt the dog It's not on me To feed the dog right? That's not America That's your debt now I know Sprint nigga I don't know you I know Sarah at Sprint Sarah know why I couldn't pay And why I was putting Something on it Jefferson Capital nigga I can't even Google y'all I'm never gonna What the What kind of a stupid ass Company buy debt From other people? That's the same niggas That go online And they feed the homeless On HD cameras That's the same niggas What kind of shit You think I'm gonna Nigga I see Sprint commercials Every day And I go All them niggas They'll never see it I don't How dare you Come to me Like Jesus Didn't even When Jesus paid for our sins That nigga never sent me An email being like The adultery that you made Last week That's my time I'm done Wow He's done it again A brand new man Minute 30 Working overtime Dedrick Flynn How fucking awesome Is that? That is fucking You have another one You never take a week off Never And you just Keep doing it Every time I bring you out I get a little more nervous Each time And I have nothing To be afraid of You gotta let that shit go Don't you mind? I don't duck no smoke I wanna come out here And rip every single Fucking time I absolutely love it Dedrick Buying debt Is something that happens Yet I've never heard Anyone joke about it Fantastic new material Absolutely incredible I'm trying not to cry right now My bad Tony Just Just Jelly Nick Black people love sweets Yeah We do We do Did you dye your hair? Oh So it looks like Shit on purpose Alright Come on I'm not doing that That's a joke I don't roast Be nice Dedrick Be nice to the guest I'm sorry Dedrick's like a pit bull Jelly Roll It mean a lot for me To see you tonight Because you do songs One of my best friends That told me to start Doing comedy Teddy Swims And we were both Just two broke motherfuckers In Southside Atlanta He told me told me to start doing comedy, I told him to start doing a band, and now look at both of us, we're living our fucking dream. The jazz shit is crazy to me. Teddy is the homie homie too. I love you, Teddy, baby. Yeah, Teddy! How'd you become friends with Teddy Swim since you can't? It's not my fault I can't. I just never had the opportunity when I wanted to learn. Because you only want to learn swimming at the early ages. After that, it's just drowning or not drowning. But he wasn't swimming. He was just Teddy when we was growing up. It was always like Teddy and Daddy. My homeboy, when I met him, he was Jayden, and then he went by Teddy, and it was always like Teddy and Daddy coming out in Southside. We were always running around with the same crews and stuff like that. But he was just singing open mic karaoke, and I was like, bro, you have the best voice I've ever heard in my life. You need to do something with it. And when I said that, he said, you're the funniest person I've ever met. So that's honestly what kept me going through signing up for Kill Tony 39 times. It's just like, the day I got picked, when I walked out of the Uber, they were playing Loose Control, and I was crying and being like, if my best friend can make it, I can make it too. We drank the same water. We ate the same food. We fucking grew up in there. It's just a beautiful fucking thing. Sounds like a Jelly Roll award, acceptance speech happening. Testify, baby. Testify. He gave us a little Jesus. Yeah, I gave a lot more Jesus than that. I said, we was in South Atlanta. We was sitting over there with nowhere to go. Drinking the Four Locos with the caffeine in it. I said, drinking the Four Locos with the caffeine in it. We didn't hear you, Pastor. I said, drink the Four Locos with the caffeine in it. Into the bucket we go. This is where anything can happen. Could be the next great talent. Could be the next crazy person that signed up for the show without preparing. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Michael A. Keaton, everybody. Michael A. Keaton. You know how embarrassing it is to be named after a Batman and have him hobble out here like the penguin? Oh, man. It's an interesting life. So many people, they assume that they know what my politics are going to be. They're like, look at this guy. He has to lean right. Oh, man. You guys are fun. I became a homeowner recently. Yeah. Yeah, thank you, thank you. It's a RAV4. Oh, man. I live in it, so it's more of a RAV4, okay? Oh, I'm getting older in my life. Like, you know, I've gotten to the point, I think, like, my favorite candy now are cough drops, you know? They're just menthol-flavored Jolly Ranchers, you know? I've hit the point in my life where it's like, I'm pretty sure the only reason I masturbate is for prostate health, you know? Like, my partner walks in on me, he's like, what are you thinking about? I'm just sitting there like, cancer. All right, thank you. Hell, yeah. Michael A. Keaton. This is your Kilt Sony debut, correct? Yes. I'd remember if I'd seen you before. Theo, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, I think he's great. Sorry, that's just a reaction. Let me think what I think. No, I think it's crazy to have a wooden leg and look like a guy who could make a wooden leg. Yeah. You do have cobbler energies, there's no doubt about it. Oh, man, thank you. What's your injury? A lot of them, actually. Okay. Like, you know, it's like, I've got snap fashion, one foot, like, you know, like, spinal injury, shoulder scarring, a bunch of things. How did this all happen to you? Were you in sports or something? I did heavy, heavy manual labor for a long time. What kind of manual labor? Probably building data centers. Absolutely. No, I, like, I threw mattresses for a while, and after that, like, I worked in a flour mill throwing flour bags and, like, whatever else they needed. Wow. Amazing. What? What? What, what were you at, a bakery? Oh, no. Like, who was asking you to do that? I'm sorry, Tony. No, it's good. But who was asking you to do that? Oh, like, whoever managed the flour mill. Your partner, Luigi? Yes. No, he was jumping around too much. It was-- Hell, yeah. How old are you? 41. 41. You look great, man. Thank you. Yeah. Um, what do you do now? Uh, I limp. All right. Like-- like, I'm-- I'm on, uh, a disability. OK. Yeah. All right. Fuck yeah, dude. How long you been doing stand-up? You know that shit, bro. How many people-- How many people in your neighborhood was getting that wobble check? Motherfucker, bro. They fucking used to tape one of my buddy's eyes closed till it didn't work, and then they got that check on him, bro. Everybody was getting that dummy check. And he could have just threw flour bags. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Sorry. Car-- carry on. But yeah. All right. But yeah, about six years. About six years. You've been doing stand-up where at? Kansas City. OK. That's where you live? Yep. What made you set up camp in Kansas City? Uh, I was born and raised. Yeah, it's-- OK. You have family there still? Absolutely, yes. Your family loves you? I hope. What ethnicity are you? I'm white. And what made them name you Michael, if your last name's Keaton? Did they just think it was funny or something? I-- I was born before that guy was famous. That's not even his real name. His real name is Michael Douglas. He's 41-- you're 41? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, "Mr. Mom" was out, right? Yeah, "Mr. Mom," yeah, it was a huge movie. Yeah, your parents are fucking with you. Michael Keaton was one of the most famous people exactly when you were born. Right? They don't-- they don't exactly have their thumb on the pulse, man. Right. OK. All right. So what do you do for fun, Michael A. Keaton? You have any hobbies? You look like the kind of guy that has a wild collection of denim hats or something like that? I can only afford the one. No, I-- like, pretty much at this point, it's just stand-up. Like, I did music for a long time, but I've got nerve damage in my hand, so I had to give that up. You were playing guitar or whatever? Yeah, so-- What, did you sing when you did music as well? No, no, no. Like, I have terrible, like, anxiety. Like-- like, you-- like, the-- coming to the microphone is, like, a big deal for me. How much nerve damage you got? Good question. Everybody's wondering. I'm-- I'm going to ask it. Like, can you shuffle cards or whatever, or how much you talk? Oh. I don't-- like, enough I had to quit playing. It was-- yeah. I'm sorry, man. Yeah, it's fine. Like, you know, this is way more fun. Yeah. What can you do that you're grateful that you can still do? Yeah, that's a good question. Eat. OK. Yeah, it is. Oh, another eaten disabled person, huh? Hell yeah. Yeah. So what-- how'd you end up in Austin, Texas tonight? You come down for this, or like-- Yeah. Like, there's-- like, there's only so much opportunity in Kansas City. And it's like, you know, I came down to, like, you know, check out the scene. I really like the people here. Did you drive or take a bus? Yeah. I live in a car. You live in a car? Yeah. Yeah. The RAV4 thing was real. OK. Amazing. Well, that's fun. You sleep in the back seat, or do you tilt back the driver's seat? I built a bed in the back. Wow, look at you. Fuck Palace. You ever bring a girl back to the RAV4? It would destroy it. It would what? It would destroy it. Well, it depends on how big she is. Yeah. I'm big enough. Fair. Yeah. And do you-- do you lay in there? And what-- if you ever lay in there and listen to Jelly Roll, you listen to some Jelly Roll up in there? You know. Well, that was the question I had. Do you know any Tech N9ne songs? Yeah. Like, I'm a big fan of yours. So if I go K-C-Mo. Oh. Respect. All right. I fuck a lot. All right. Perfect. Just short enough of a song that we don't get dinged by YouTube. Perfect. Michael A. Keaton, "Fun Times." You did it. You got through it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. Michael A. Keaton, ladies and gentlemen. And we're going to keep it moving along. Hell yeah. There's the lovely Heidi and Val, ladies and gentlemen. Amazing. Whoa. Uh-oh. It's going to be the most watched part of the episode right there. How about one more time for Heidi and Val? Their podcast, Love on the Line, available at HeidiOrGina.com. And the show goes on. Hello, there, our dear-- friends this podcast is sponsored by shopify starting something new isn't just hard it's terrifying so much work goes into everything and anything that you're not entirely sure it will work out i mean look at this show and it can be a leap of faith to start something crazy i mean when i started this podcast i was thinking what if no one listens what if i make a fool out of myself now i know that i was right about all that because that has happened and it can happen to you it also helps when you have a partner like shopify on your side to help red band tony i love shopify it's the best business tool on earth get started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready-to-use templates shopify helps you build a beautiful online store and matches your brand style plus get the word out like you're having a marketing team behind you easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling and best yet shopify is your 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reset your wardrobe with craftsmanship you can see and feel the moment you put it on red band oh tony i feel so comfortable in my takovas i wear them all the time shot to takovas western goods online at takovas.com or swing by a takovas store for the full experience with free drinks boot shines and complimentary boot branding to make your pair feel personal right now get 10 off at takovas.com slash kill tony when you sign up for email and text that's 10 off at t-e-c-o-v-a-s.com slash kill tony takovas.com slash kill tony seaside for details takovas point your toes west on your next bucket poll we know her funny lady goes by the name of sherry the cg everybody sherry the cg thank you oh my god did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on sixth street yeah wearing a mask yeah i said what are you a democrat uh so i am originally i am originally from iran nebraska yeah i was at the airport and i don't know if you've seen that sign that says uh no guns allowed in the airplane yeah you know that same sign in the middle east reads no stones allowed in the airplane but ak-47 is okay because those virgins can get out of control i got guns in my car my head and it won't go spirits in my head and it won't go i got guns and then another sign right under that that reads not responsible for lost limbs i got guns in my head and it won't go oh you missed the stone oh you missed me all right sherry welcome back sherry theo yeah i you know i was wondering what had happened to mia um you look lovely and uh i i yeah i i um i like a lot of the stuff and um yeah and i am i am honestly tickled to see you it's amazing sherry how remind us how long you been on stand-up uh this may will be three years three years and you are iranian yes so how do you feel about everything that's happening here how do you feel um let's be honest here sherry let's get honest yeah sherry tell us the truth how do you feel about us lighting up your country well i think they're doing it for the freedom that is true that's what we say yeah does it feel like that's what's happening or does it feel like what's happening now it's blowing up in my ass now it's for the right reasons and i think there's always going to be casualty when you know where you're trying to do this is for the right reasons and i think there's 47 years in the making so um i'm excited for the freedom that's about to come yes without a doubt that see that's what happens when you check in with a real iranian instead of the local news right um and you visited there you go there sometimes or my immediate family's here after my mom passed away i just no longer had a reason to go back right how did your mom pass away no my grandma my mom is here yeah okay yeah who killed her you're saying if you yeah if it's israel it's israel yeah my mom's alive she's still alive my mom is grandma we're asking about grandma she died natural causes i am sitting down okay so sherry where do you live now austin yeah and you just do stand up for a living or uh i'm not doing it for a living but i would love to but so how would do you do for a living uh i do paralegal work from home okay yeah very cool it's very convenient paralegal yeah pair airplanes hit our towers a few years ago from people like you guilty as charged remember that i love it uh sherry what do you do for fun tell us all what you do for fun um not much i mean i i need to put myself out there and start dating but um just keep you are an iranian mountain cougar a very rare that's right i like tall white younger man yeah let's not you like younger men right yeah wow whoa whoa there but i did uh just recently join a middle eastern dating app yeah it's called uh-oh yes amazing you're adorable sherry last date you went on what was that like what well you're the last date that you went on last time you hung out with a man last time you let someone into your sandpit it was weird we had interest and we kissed and then i kind of waited and waited and he waited and it feels like the the interest just kind of uh dissipated like if you don't move on it there's a window that opens and then it closes so you gotta move fast yes absolutely and this bit and this bitch is old so i didn't move fast enough that's okay yeah what are you saying you know what i'm saying i'm just that's okay yeah you're fine he's probably fine wherever he is yeah i don't know him to be honest with you but he's probably a great guy yeah so i'm gonna sit back down where'd you guys make out at in a car at your place uh no i'd uh just whatever uh show that we were doing at the end we kissed stuff yeah and then we kissed again sometimes we kiss okay yeah that's good incredible absolutely sherry any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting um really nothing like digging and digging there's just not the craziest thing you have in your refrigerator what's the greatest thing craziest thing you have in your refrigerator that we would find odd like me right now at this very moment i have pickled carrots pickled jalapenos pickled pickles there's a pickling guy at the local farmer's market and i have a lot of pickled things in my fridge an odd amount of pickled things now it's your turn soy chicken it's good soy sauce on chicken let's check in with our senior refrigerator correspondent jelly roll thank you did you say soy chicken or soul chicken no soy chicken like fake chicken oh i thought you said sold chicken i thought you said sword chicken yeah i thought she said like sword fish no soy what's your uh all chicken is soul chicken right all right what's your favorite kind of music my favorite kind of what music music oh um house music whoa look at that whoa yeah wow oh oh my goodness all right that's enough okay that's enough okay that's enough okay that's enough sherry fun times uh you did good um you're leaving here with a brown joke book just like you boom whoa good pet sherry thank you wow she made eye contact with me on that catch theo theo's a sweet boy make some noise for your next bucket pool we're gonna meet them all together it's ethan griggs everybody ethan griggs all right how we doing man at the end of the day i'm just a hick ass farmer from cattle mills texas and the thing about is if you know any of us you know we're going to be here for the rest of the anything about farmers and the only reason they have kids is to like carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor well i was an only child and a fuck up at that so when my dad died that's why the farm failed and i'm out here doing comedy fucking that up too it's crazy though we were so broke that when my dad died all i inherited was a porn collection and here's the thing i used to buy my dad porn so i've already seen a third of this collection and i don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection i'll be damned if i'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction that's like getting cancer from vaping that's just fucking embarrassing like can't even raise my hand because it's busy like shit i'll tell you what i don't i don't think i don't think i'll make it in stand-up comedy though man i had a very untraumatic childhood like i didn't get molested because i wasn't in the church of the scouts and the only relative that might have molested me was too busy fucking goats to give me the time of day i can't compete with sheep's pussy nor would i want to i guess that's my time i heard a little meow so all right right on our second preacher of the night yeah ethan griggs exactly welcome me shit is this really jelly roll holy shit man hey nice to meet you i felt the same way when you walked up i was like my people are here hell yeah and then you started talking about being poor and drug addiction i was like right my kind of guy hell yeah and then you said you bought your dad porn and i was out fuck yeah good to meet you sir killer said thank you sir i appreciate that welcome where is cattle mills texas it's about an hour northeast of dallas how long you been trying stand up uh collectively five years uh like i did it a little bit before the pandemic and i got back into it about 2023 started taking it seriously and okay so now i'm here i guess so yeah yeah you look great i like i'm happy to see you oh thank you oh shit theo vaughn's here too motherfucker yeah damn you fucking really are dumb i never seen nobody before in cattle mills i'm not used to seeing nobody of any status whatsoever i'm not shit nobody molests me i don't get to see celebrities what do you do for work how long i'll tell you what he does he's a sorcerer he's a freaking he's a rural businessman he looks like he sells used karma this pretty much close very close i work at a circle k actually do you really yeah fuck yeah i love it there hell yeah you look like the kind of customer that would come in at a circle k yeah that bitch dude we used to spend time in that bitch we wouldn't just come in and just do our shit and dip we would come in and spend time with you most people just don't know how to fucking leave like they'd be in there for 30 minutes just figuring out how to work the coffee machine do they hang out in the parking lot too oh fuck yeah dude well the other night somebody shut the fucking pumps off and shit and fuck me all kinds of shit i don't know how to fucking leave i don't know how to leave i didn't know what the hell was going on it's like why the hell y'all put this shit out in the front you know any motherfucker can touch it and they got a lot of gay dudes running up in there too they do no i almost saw i almost saw a bump fight with a trans and a fucking homeless person it was crazy they have trans and cattle mills texas no this is in austin oh okay i've been in austin for over nine years no they didn't have that shit in cattle mills i'm talking about gays but i ain't talking about all these remodels shit that's all the same to me shit i don't know fuck well bro you don't you don't even fucking know he was here bro you can be two inches i couldn't believe hey there's so many different like celebrities in this city that's just some i never know shit hell yeah no man i'm just joking with you and it's nice to see you and yeah they got a lot of gay dudes out there uh trying to get that fucking fake cpr out there yeah exactly that's crazy it's rough out here so uh what did you do for work before the circle k i worked at a television station wow cbs and telemundo oh my goodness yeah i just i recently quit that job this month and i tried to get to say i tried to do a sales job and i sucked at that and so i decided to quit that and then just do circle k circle k and then now i got a lot of deliver laundry too yeah so i got all kinds of whatever makes money i don't know what do your parents and cattle mills do for work when they're not my dad's picture with a pitch fork in front of the house yeah my dad's dead yeah my dad's dead too theo my dad's alive had a heart attack last week but he's good my dad's cool he's cool and my mom i don't really know what she she does something with insurance i don't exactly know what the fuck she works from home so she wasn't a farmer though but she's a good woman though oh yeah she's great yeah she'll be down here uh this weekend so for what are y'all gonna do y'all gonna celebrate go out to dinner go out to lunch or something she gonna cook she'll cook for the rest my uh adopted family and shit the my homegirl carly who i live with and shit so okay okay say homegirl what exactly do you mean that's just because we're white and we sound black i don't know what to say yeah how old are you i'm guessing 27 to 52 yeah there's somewhere you know what you're right on the money i'm 34 dope wow amazing yeah so the homegirl is your girlfriend no she's my my friend my landlady too my sister from a different mister you know you live with your landlady yeah but you're not banging no but the lady that you are banging is coming to town and cooking for you no that's my mother i ain't back hey i'm from the country i ain't inbred like that shit but you go for some of that dark meat huh oh i do yeah i like my women like i like my trucks large and black really is that true lady unless she 280 you'll go walking in the dark huh the hell yeah hell yeah i like that it's very surprising how many black women do you think you've been with i lost my virginity to a black woman wow where was that at cattle mills ironically cattle mills yeah where in cattle mills exactly exactly i mean it's just a small town so it's just you know at a neighbor's house okay i thought you said general mills yeah yeah no cattle c-a-d-d-o like the indians cattle see a lot of people think i say cattle because i don't know how to fucking talk either fuck them they're lying they're or they're they're not lying but they're or they are they don't know what they're talking about yeah that's true hell yeah right on ethan any other anything else crazy we should know about you before getting into the show i don't know anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here ah shit i don't know we'd be here all night if i tell you all the crazy shit that i've done how about anything anything one thing one thing fuck ever been to jail i have once yeah i got a dwi back in december so i'm like four months ago yeah all right back in 1980 december not my proudest moment but you know i'm dealing with it whose fault was it was yours or was it it was mine yeah i was blackout drunk i don't remember most of it what happened i like i said i you know i don't remember leaving my buddy's house to waking up in a hospital bed cuffed to it but luckily nobody was hurt what did you wreck into uh two-part cars wow oh yeah one for the plug and one for the load right yeah that's what it was yeah yep dude i'll tell you this bro one time yeah sorry no go for it let's do it um i'm leaving this bar and i i was driving a honda accord or whatever and uh because i was fucking having kind of a tough time or whatever and uh anyway i go get in my car there's a cop car right next to it i go get in it and then i'm looking in there i'm like there's a baby seat in my car and i'm like thinking oh somebody snuck in here with their baby right i got in the wrong car there's a cop right next to me in his car he's kind of looking over at me and now i'm like trying to i can't start this car this is fucking not mine damn so i had to pop the hood dude this cop's looking under the hood with me of somebody else's fucking car damn and i thought my shit was bad the dude came out he's like what the fuck y'all doing i was like i'm just helping this officer yeah so that's what i'm saying blm homie that's right hell yeah that's right thank you ethan griggs you're leaving here with a medium joke but congratulations thank you very much ethan griggs everybody all right theo you don't have to get up for all these people but i ain't never seen nothing like this before theo jelly roll good night everybody oh shit look at that people are gonna be like wow theo jelly roll and woody harrelson's gay son we're all in the same place at the same time this podcast is sponsored by zip recruiter did you know that the average employer has to sort through roughly 250 resumes per job opening talk about time consuming well if you're hiring here's good news you can now review all of these resumes and applications faster thanks to zip recruiter zip recruiter has a new feature that instantly shows you the most interested qualified candidates first and today you can try it for free at zip recruiter.com slash kill tony red band tony i love zip recruiter it's the best hiring site around zip recruiter's powerful matching technology finds qualified candidates quickly and with zip recruiter's new feature qualified candidates who are very interested in your job show up at the top of the list that's right you also get a feel for their personality candidates can tell you in their 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Blue Chew Gold is changing the way millions of men are having sex in 2026. The new arousal boosting formula combines passion and performance into one tablet that dissolves under your tongue for super fast onset. No more waiting for a pill to kick in, just the results you want when you want them. Most ED meds only focus on blood flow, but Blue Chew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for blood flow with two for mental arousal and connection, so you're not just physically ready, you are actually in the mood. This type of innovation is why Blue Chew Gold is the number one brand in erectile function. The process is simple and all online. Get started today at bluechew.com and go for the gold. Red band. Yummy. I love Blue Chew, Tony. They're providing the best ED treatment out there. Ladies, if you are listening, send your man the link and make him a trophy husband with Blue Chew Gold. Turbocharge your love life and make it easy to get hard. That's right. Get blood going down there. Get yourself excited. Go change life a little bit. Even if you can already easily get hard, get harder. Discover your options at bluechew.com. And we got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of Blue Chew Gold, you get the third for free with promo code Tony. That's right. Let me get you hard. That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. All right. Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Charles Haycock, everyone. Here we go. What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now. But it should be good because I don't have autism because I've never been tested. And I think that's how you beat it. It's the only cure I've heard of. But my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part time. It's not weekends hit the club Monday back to puzzles. I did try to get tested too when I was in Canada where it's free there, but they're busy. So they, you know, they phone me back. They're like, sorry, sir. The wait time is seven. I was like, what the fuck? To find out if I've autism seven years? No, that's 3,461 days. No. Oh, I can't do that. That's a Tuesday. No, Tuesday's when the train comes. Thank you guys. Unbelievable. Charles Haycock. Welcome. Welcome, my friend. What a rock star you are. How long you been doing stand up? I've been doing it for 12 years. Fuck. Yeah, man. Where at? Canada in Edmonton, Alberta. Okay. Hell yeah. Oh, look at that. Dude, what's your name? Have we ever met before? No, dude. I've never met you. My name is Charles. Charles Theo. Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure. Thanks. Yeah. I thought maybe I'd met you before. Cause I used to do a lot of shows up there and I thought maybe we had met one time. Oh, okay. Cool. You meet a lot of guys like me? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It happens. Bro, I'm not even gay. Okay? I am a guy who likes women, dude. You should see some of the drawings in my diary. I'm flattered. That's all, you know. No, I thought that we had met before though. I'm 100% serious with you. I thought we had met once. Oh, okay. Okay. Well. So good to see you. All right. Okay. Very good. One note real quick. Yeah. Be honest though. If you was gay, bro, because we don't know. Yeah. I mean. Would you smash this little fucking beetle muffin over here? I mean, well, we're like, I think we're both bottoms. So like those batteries don't go that way. You know what I mean? They have to go along the same way. Yeah. You can't have two super gay guys. Nevermind, dude. Whatever, dude. Yeah. I love it. Charles. Uh, tell us about your life up in New York. How was it? How's it going? Uh, tell us about your life up in Canada? My life in Canada? Well, shit. I moved to Texas this last year. Oh, nice. Congratulations. Thank you, sir. You got citizenship and everything? No, I do not. But I have papers. I do have papers. Okay. I'm hoping to get permanent papers later, but yeah, Canada is a, is a, is a good time. And uh, I finally started dating a female girl. Nice. And, uh. Tell us about that. How's that going? It's going good. I had a dry spell for like nine years. Whoa. That's very dry. Yeah. And it was rough. Like the only girl I had a crush on during that was I met an Amish girl. Uh, and the only place you can find them is like when they're selling furniture. And then, uh, she was great, but. Getting their drawers, huh? Sorry. And that's not even a real joke. I just read that somewhere on a fucking, in the back of my brain. And I was like, who wrote this? Um. Yeah. Get her whatever. Yeah. Anyway, carry on. I'm sorry, dude. I'm honestly interrupting you. And it's not, it's not very nice. It's great. And I am sorry. It's great. We love this. Yeah. I had to pretend that, you know, I was interested in their $17,000 drawers, but, uh, the Amish, they're pretty pricey, but, uh, and then I waited nine years and then I met a girl who's not Amish, so I'm allowed to date her, but. Hell yeah. She's, uh. She's, uh. And what was it about the Amish that was bringing you over there? Can I ask him that? Yeah, absolutely. What was it about? Have you spent, have you seen a lot of Amish? I haven't seen that many Amish before. I've met Amish, I've met probably maybe 11 Amish people in my whole life. Okay, okay. You podcasted with two of them, I think. Yeah, exactly. I've seen clips of that one. How is that allowed? Is that not against their whole shit? Well, they wouldn't know, I don't reckon. Yeah. Yeah. They wouldn't find out. Yeah. Okay, okay. They wouldn't talk it into like a weird shape or something. Yeah. But don't you feel like you're soiling their existence a little bit by exposing them to the world? You were trying to fuck one. Yeah, dude. Bro, you don't shame Theo. Yeah, dude. Yeah, don't furniture shame me, dude. You're over here playing let's hide in the back of Narnia closet or whatever. Let me take you to see my lion. Let me show you that pants Adnan or whatever. Did you make an attempt? What was the best attempt you made at hooking up with the Amish girl? Yeah, I was scared off of me because I was talking to her and I made her laugh. And then like four of her dad showed up immediately. Oh, shit. They have so many dads and they looked at me like there's no fucking chance. Oh, yeah. So I got the heck out of there. You can only fuck them during Rumpelspringer or whatever it's called. There's Red Band, everybody. If you're wondering what it sounds like. If you're wondering what it sounds like when he talks. There you go. Rumpelspring, everyone. There's some degenerates in the crowd. Some diehard Red Band fans. There you go. Rumpelspring, everybody. It's your Doritos joke of the night, everyone. Amazing, Charles. What else about you? You seem like a guy that's got an interestingly complex life. Well, I started in Canada to make money. I go and I have a yo-yo company. Oh, I knew there was something. See, Theo? You looked at me funny there. But it's got a yo-yo company. You were right. We just got canceled recently, though. So we're not making money this year. Oh, no. Well, that company probably, I'd imagine that industry has a lot of ups and downs. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. It's no Rumpelspring, but it'll do for now. Amazing. So the yo-yo company got canceled. Yeah. This man is making his Kill Tony debut. He's an internet sensation. You very likely follow him on Instagram. Very funny man. Make some noise for Lil Mo Mozzarella, everybody. His Kill Tony debut. Watch your mouth. Shut the fuck up in the back. Stay put. I'm from New York City. I don't know why you guys act like you don't fucking understand me, but I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish. Where are you? I throw one word at you. What's up? Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese, papi. You know, people do it to Italians all the time. They come to fucking Little Italy, and they start acting Italian. The guy's got freckles and shit. Let me get a chicken cutlet, parmesan, fresh mozzarella, red peppers. Tell your sister Gina. I said, how you doing? Guy's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it, though? You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant and start acting Chinese, no? Let me get a pork fried rice. Don't forget the wonton soup. They don't do it. They get disrespectful. They start yelling. Where's my pork fried rice? They think you can understand them if you talk loud, you know? They're disrespectful. See, I always show them respect. Like, let's say, for instance, I go, like, for a steak. I bring the bones home, and I bring it to the restaurant for the dog to bury the yacht. How you doing? I was going to say they ate the dog, but then I said somebody might have fucked me up out here. I see a couple of Asians. Kim Jong-un's over there. What's up, Moe? How does it feel to never ride a roller coaster? Lil' Moe Mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. Very funny. Lots of energy. Oh, shit. He just hit the hardware. I haven't slept, Tony. I drove fucking 20 hours to get here. Did you really? And Ray, everybody. Everybody. ♪ ♪ Lil' Moe, you are the man. Good to see you tonight, man. You really drove 20 hours to get here? No, I drove about fucking six. I like that, though. I was in Oklahoma. The food there sucks, Moe. They eat testicles. You know, anybody from Oklahoma, they eat testicles. Yeah. And they eat it like two grapes. I won't even eat a fucking hot dog in front of people. You know what they eat there? It's called lamb something. Mm. Look it up. Yeah, lamb. Yeah, it's a thing. Chachi beat to you. It's unbelievable. Look it up. This is the real-- this is-- this guy's-- this is how he is in real life. I was in fucking Oklahoma. I drove here. Listen, I got a renter car. This fucking renter car says 29 miles or whatever per gallon. I thought that that was how much gas I had. I ran out of gas. I didn't know what to do. I called the fucking Uber. I says, "Come over here. I'm gonna give you $100. Go get the tank and come here and fucking look out for me." He goes, "How do you know I can trust you?" I said, "I'm a fucking degenerate gambler. I'm taking a shot." Let me tell you my history with Lil' Mo. I can't remember what or why or how, but we were all out one night, me, him, and Shane. And Shane's like, "You got to meet my friend. This is Lil' Mo." And he was like this, right? And I'm like, "This guy's not even real." And then after about five or 10 minutes, we hung out the rest of the night. He had me absolutely cracking up. I smoke pot. You smoke-- I don't even smoke pot. I'm looking forward to smoking pot again tonight. Yeah, you're going to smoke pot tonight. I don't smoke pot. I go into the table. I get anxiety. Did you smoke it a lot when you were-- Oh, God. Smoke it right now. Oh, God. Lil' Mo. Lil' Mo's about to be eating bull testicles in Oklahoma. Dude, fucking Charlie was an engineer. I got a little soul out of it. What are you on, the Ozempic? I'm on the Manjaro. How you doing, Theo? Manjaro sounds Italian. I know. It's Manjaro. You know how you say air conditioning in Italian? You used to sell air conditioning? I used to do air conditioning. That's what I did for a living. Oh, yeah. My cousin worked in HVAC for a while. Does he? Yeah, he did. Is he the helper, or is he the mechanic? He's dead. He passed away. Oh, he did? Yeah. You know, when you worked blue collars. Yeah, he would get in there. You know, he'd go-- You say air conditioning in Italian. You just say air condition. Air condition. That's how you say it. Tell us more about-- Fuck is staring at me. He's a jinx, this guy. Yeah. This motherfucker from the past over here. You know, we always have all these different shapes and sizes of characters. I'm Italian. I don't sound like you. That's why I like you, Tony. I'm not from New York, I'm from-- Tony, let me tell you something. You had some guy on the other day. He had a gabagool shirt. Yeah. He was a fake Italian. I saw that, yeah. That's what made me come. Yeah. I said, you need the real fucking thing. And that's what I was just going to say, is we never get any fucking real Italians. Nobody does. They act Italian. There's no real one. I'm the only one left. Tell us more. Teach us some more. It's true. It really is true. There's nothing-- Even this guy sat at the end of a bar cracking up for fucking hours because I couldn't get enough of it. It's who he really is. Give us some more of your Italian New York wisdom, Lil Mo. If you don't speak Italian, all you need to know how to do is say this. What do you want to do? How you doing? I don't want no problems. That's exactly right. Tell us about Brooklyn. What is it about it? All right, so old school changed now. You know, back in the day, it was different, you know. You hang out in a stoop. A girl walks by. How you doing? You know. Different levels. Different how you doings. You don't want to throw a five at how you doing, you know. You get a how you doing. Yeah. Because she might get--you know, she'll get a little cocky. You don't want to get cocky. Yeah. Exacerbated or whatever. Yeah. You got to bring it down a notch. You know what I'm saying? My friend's sister, man--I remember the first girl I said, "How you doing?" to her, "Yeah." She was a sweetheart, you know. Oh, yeah. I bought her a nice pair of shoes. She goes, "How do I look in them?" I said, "Take them out of the fucking box, you dummy." How you doing? We got any Jewish guys in here? Oh, yeah. They're out there. Where are they? Jewish guys? They don't make any noise anymore. How you doing? They're laying low right now. Jews are hiding in the dark right now. They'll throw a five at you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you know if it's your boss or something write up the fucking corporate ladder how you doing little mo i fucking love you you gotta follow this guy on instagram do it here's a big joke book little mo i'm gonna throw it to you praise god baby make some noise for little mo mackerel little mo how long are you in town for i'm there i'm staying two nights so when do you leave i don't know two fucking nights from now hey real quick little mo real quick jump back on that mic real quick what i want no problems what's the best show you've ever seen in new york city you're you you're true new york right yeah all the way what's the the rockettes no okay dmx dmx where'd you see him at i see him summer jam where the fuck is that is that new york no it might be jersey okay where the fuck did i see the warriors i don't know what if what shows have you seen at madison square garden shane's what just shane's nice that's it i did the uh the voice of god for him in madison square garden well i'll tell you what i find you to be so interesting and so compelling we're doing two nights at madison square garden august 7th and 8th will you come i'm on top of the world mom on top of the world hell yeah how you doing lil mo mozzarella ladies and gentlemen absolutely i can sing too how about one more time for the cameo of shane gillis everybody what a what a crazy world we're living in where the biggest comedian in the world stops in and pretends to be blind for 10 seconds he'll be hosting the roast of kevin hart on may 10th live on netflix it's gonna be a hell of a roast i'll be there roasting yet again on the biggest roast of all time the roast of kevin hart may 10th two days earlier me and jelly roll are at the greek theater and a reminder this friday bus boys starring theo von and david spade out in theaters everywhere go to a movie theater people buy some popcorn and a large soda enjoy yourself throw extra butter on it own it all pay off your home travel for life drive a ferrari in celebration of the world premiere of the monopoly big board buck slot machine by aristocrat gaming yamava resort and casino at san manuel is giving one person a 1.6 million dollar dream package the biggest prize in yamava's history club serrano members can earn daily instant prizes and secure a spot in the finale may 29th don't pass go and own it all only at yamava celebrating its 40th anniversary you win details at yamava.com must be 21 20 please gamble responsibly monopoly is a trademark of hasbro hasbro is not a sponsor of this promotion you said this place was steps from the water we just haven't found the steps yet how much did we save enough enough to get lost or you could book a stay with hilton welcome to your oceanfront room just steps from the water the hilton sale is on now book on hilton.com or the hilton app and save up to 20 to get the stay you expected when you want savings not surprises it matters where you stay hilton ladies and gentlemen your next bucket poll everybody goes by the name of t austin everybody what's up what's up what's up now i came out here i'm a little angry but i'm not angry with y'all i don't like the motherfuckers that's outside so i came up with a few ways to destroy the world and i only got a minute to do so the first one would be for you religious motherfuckers i want whoever you believe in jews jesus muhammad whoever i hope you come so that way the rest of us can be out here screaming like holy shit you can't say that shit because god is here the second way you already got donald trump in there doing this thing working on israel we working on them bombs that would be funny but fuck that we're living that one now the third way fucking thriller i want my goddamn zombies i've been watching the walking dead i've been practicing my motherfucking shit michael getting ready to come out here and i'm like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna come out i'm going to see that shit i want to live it the fourth way that i because because it could be anything you guys i could drop a bomb of peanuts in here and drop half you motherfuckers the fourth way that i believe that we deserve it because donald trump said it's true it's goddamn aliens we're already here thank y'all i'm t austin t austin ladies and gentlemen john dees i'm gonna check up with john dees here what did he just say bunch of shit everyone in this room is now dumber and you're welcome for it okay welcome t how long have you been doing stand-up my dear friend i have been doing stand-up off and on for about maybe six years my dog six cheers okay where at san antonio okay i'm originally from georgia georgia can't tell yeah all right i was in i was in texas for 20 years though so i'm officially a dstb as well as a dsgb bad motherfucker all the way around what's a dstb oh that's the down south texas boy i'm a down south georgia boy oh pastor choice that's my dog okay i don't know him but i listen to the music and what does the t stand for t it's a letter just a b c d e f t yeah wow hey you see i kept my hand in my pocket i ain't got no fingerprints i don't want nobody telling on me okay i again i really need a translator uh i hear everything you're saying brother t austin what do you not do for work what do i not do for work well i am a retired drug dealer i used to sell marijuana okay but then it became legal and them bitches took it from a pocket but now i work at a grocery store and i give out samples to nice folks like you white people here in front of me today all right look at you working at the grocery store nice yeah i'm broken in a bitch i need a job so let's check and who likes a sample the most who's the most when you're in there if you're working like in the if you're in the sample streets who is the person no what that you know i'm saying take me through some of them samplers all right so look i got i got folk that come through i got my everyday people that let me try your what people let me talk a little bit clearer yes so i have everyday people that i'm talking to i'm talking to people that i'm talking to people that like to come in and they will eat what i make because it is very very delicious but the some bitches don't buy it i don't care about you loving what i make i care about you buying it but putting a smile on people's faces just like i'm doing with y'all there you go all right there's a lot there we love the enunciation that's the question and who the worst people that come through there who's the worst type of sampler yeah if you had to honestly if you had to describe what they look like oh check this out i won't but i'll describe their pocket they got a lot of money all right people with a lot of money be mean as fuck really what's the meanest thing anybody's ever said to you while you're handing out you know what you didn't do it i was surprised because i heard about you but i didn't take it like that but they come up and they say my brother they yeah i get it yeah i'm not your brother i don't know you and i tell them no sir i do i do not understand what you're saying to me right now you say that to the white people that you're saying to me right now you say that to the white people that you're saying to me right now you say that i didn't say that you said that i say that to anybody who say that but if you want to say as white people sir i'll take that too but if a black guy came up to you and said my brother delicious sample it depends on how you say it all right how about how i said it i would i would it depends on how you say it all right what if i was like my brother delicious sample i'd be like well thank you sir and i really do appreciate that all right perfect if you would have said anything else i would have asked to speak to your manager uh i appreciate this shit i really didn't know i was gonna get called on here it is really a fucking honor i hope i did good for y'all i'll fuck with it i hope i get caught are you closing out your own interview right now my stomach hurts bro i am so nervous it's what happens you're in the you're in the big league and we know you didn't think you were gonna get called that's how the show works and it's also you're dressed for not getting called hey i got off of work you did it i'm poor i have to work type shit so i got a bucket you see me you'll see me put it in my pocket help your boy out there you go love y'all catch him at trader jamal's t austin everybody ceho doing his classic meet and greet trademark standing ovation for everyone scary thing it is i could never do that yeah yeah you could you're out there for i could not do it we used to do three minutes at the comedy store at the open mic minutes but you've been practicing for a long time it just feels like very um it feels extreme to me it well yeah it is carry on it's the thing ladies and gentlemen your next bucket poll goes by the name of brian stupeck brian stupeck everybody so i'm a man so i get a i get a brian stupeck i get a brian stupeck brian stupeck brian stupeck Gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls. Saying things like, yes, queen. Slay girl. Pop off diva. I say one innocent comment like, wow, what a babe, and I get blasted. They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, she's only 11. Can you believe these people? So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina. But not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous. So give me a second while I get into character. Soy mexicana, soy mexicana, soy mexicana. No, no, no, si, si, si, ok, listo. I'm breaking up with you, Brian. Okay, Brian Stupak. Welcome, Brian. Is this your first time on the show? Sure is. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Since June. Where? Where are you from and where are you at? Mostly 6th Street. You live here in Austin? Yeah, I work next door. What made you want to start six months ago? It's a long story, but I ran out of money in Italy, and my buddy's like, come stay with me and try stand-up comedy. So I was like, all right. Where was that? In Italy? You're in Italy, you ran out of money, your buddy's like, come move in with me. He lives in Cal. He lives in here? Yes. Okay. Yes. All right. Yeah. So where'd you live before that? So I'm from Northern California, but I do a lot of travel. Okay. So most of the last 10, 15 years traveling, I'm a linguist. So I travel to learn languages, I'll pick up odd jobs. Can you teach the last guy how to talk? I mean, I can help people that, I can't help lost causes, you know? Right. Okay. How did you run out of money in Italy exactly? What did you do out there? So I published an Italian book, and I had this idea where I could promote it. I was going to walk the length of Italy with 100 copies of my book in a shopping cart, and I was going to push it. I was going to walk the length of Italy, trading it every day for food and lodging. Wow. And when I got to Rome, I ran out of books and I ran out of money. And so I was like, you know, I was just waiting in the airport there for five days until my book royalties came in, and then I flew home. All things lead to Rome, they say, isn't it? Right? There it is. Yeah. It's true. Italy itself was actually a pivot too. Yeah. Yeah. I tried to walk Africa before that. Oh. Yeah. Not a lot of book buyers out there. No, no, no. No, that one was just for me. That one. Yeah. I made it a third of the way. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. What was that like? It was nice. It was great. So I went from Cape Town, South Africa to the Democratic Republic of Congo. So I did like all of South Africa, all Namibia, all of Angola, and then when I got to the border of the DRC, I kept getting robbed. So I. By who? Let me get a guess. When you say kept getting robbed, how many times do you think you were robbed? No. It's been a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it was the first time I just got jumped by like high school age kids. Can I show you? It's. Yeah. You're gonna show me? Yeah. Show me like a what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. You're safe. You're safe. You work with all those kids. I'm so confused how we went. Okay. So it was. They were like. So it was like. Do you need me to stand up for this thing or something? Kind of. What? Brian. You don't have to. You don't have to. So. No. They were. They weren't. Like, they were kind of. Fucking people. Hey, can I use you like a mannequin there? Just leave your Grammys at the table. Just stand up for me. I'm a random fucking open-miker that has six months of experience. And Jelly's ready for it. Yeah. I was in. He is. He's down to play. I was like, "Fuck. I'm down now." At this point, I kind of want to see it. Fuck. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, Tony. Let's see if anything can happen. All right. So, they were like six, three, one, 20. So, I'm walking behind. I am fucking flattered. Yeah. Yeah. So, they're walking behind, and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do. So, he grabs me by the back, and he like. And I was like, "What?" And then he kept doing it. Like, he's like. You know? And so, I fought them off. And that's all I was. You're good now. That was it. Wow. Just as stupid as I thought it would be, everybody. There you go. There you go. Brian, stupid. Needing a human for that act out. Yeah. Yeah. But the second time was a little bit scary. They had AK-47s. They put one in my mouth. Oh, wow. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did it get hard? And what is. Yeah. Good question. Red band. Yeah. Completely redeeming himself. The question everybody wanted to ask. Yeah. Yeah. What's up? Did it get hard? Did you get hard? I stay hard, Tony. Oh, very good. Yeah, there we go. Very good. Hard. And then the third time, it was. There were men with machetes. No, no, no. You can't just breeze through that. Yeah. You can't mouth storm. What exactly did they. I gotta hear how this one happened. Yeah. What did they get out of you? What did they rob out of you? At that time, I. So I was in Luanda, Angola, which is the capital of Angola. And I just. I was doing a. Sounds safe. Go ahead. I just had my phone and my money on me. Because I left. I was staying with a local there, so I had my backpack with them. So that wasn't on me. And they. You were just pointing at a fanny pack? No. Where's the money? Okay. No, it was just in my pocket. I was just going to a TV interview. It was like six in the morning. And I was like. How much cash do you think you had on you? Like 90 bucks. Okay. Yeah. So, you know, it's like a lot there. But I was. Yeah. It's a lot anywhere, man. Yeah. Yeah. Especially there. Yeah. So as I was walking, I was stupid. Like, I just had my phone out using GPS. And I'm like. Oh, yeah. Fuck. I'd rob you if I saw you using your phone like that. And then I. Yeah. So I'm walking. There were like two guys sitting on a stoop and they ran in opposite directions. I was like, okay, this is interesting. And then they came back with AKs. And then. Yeah. They speak Portuguese and Angola. So like, fica, fica, fica, fica, which means stay in Portuguese. And so I had my phone and I was just like, you know. Right. Exactly. Yeah. They could have used fucking those guns that just say bang with the flag that comes out. Yeah. Well, it was frustrating because they were. It was like a five foot two inch. It was like Kevin Hart was robbing me, you know? It was like. Right. It was really emasculating. Yeah. One of the guys, when he was emptying my pockets, I did have my sunscreen on me and it was like. Oh. Yeah. The one thing they allowed you to keep. No. They took that too. They took that too. And I was like, you don't need this. Right. You know? But what happened was the guy dropped it and that panicked the other guy with the gun and he like hit me and like put it. I was like, I'm not even doing anything. All right. And then the third time. So I was at the border of the DRC and I was walking and guys walked by me and it was a fisherman group. So it was like one guy's carrying fish, another three are carrying machetes. And so they like. Oh, the old fish machete trick. So that sounds bad, but it's not terribly uncommon in that part of the world. You see people walking with machetes. I've walked hundreds of miles with people with machetes. But these people, what made it sketchy was they turned around and they started following me. And I was like, all right, maybe I dropped something. I didn't. So I picked up my speed. They picked up their speed. I started jogging. They started jogging. I took off into the jungle. Then they chased me into the jungle. But there's like a. Like the brush was about this high. So I like found a spot to hide. And they're like looking for me for like 45 minutes. I'm like hiding on top of my bag. And then they eventually left. But I waited another few hours because they could have just been waiting on the road, you know? Of course. And I'm like hearing things rustle in the bushes this whole time. And the previous week or so, I'd seen half a dozen black mamas or so across the road. So I'm just like, maybe it's time to come home. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so. Coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home. Can we still sing Diddy? Huh? What? Who sings that? Diddy? Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I like. Yeah, I just like the song. It was a medium joke book, my friend. There goes Brian Stubeck, everybody. Appreciate you guys. We're flying through it here tonight. Yeah. Some things are impossible to miss, like an elephant in the room, or a bull in a china shop, or this season's amazing offers brought to you by PayPal. Discover offers from hundreds of brands like Viator, Allbirds, and Tory Burch right in the PayPal app. Save an offer before you check out with PayPal and earn unlimited rewards. Download the PayPal app to get started. Terms and exclusions apply. See paypal.com/rewardsterms. What's the difference between butter and butter made from real California dairy? It's the real California farm families behind it. Real people. Real care. Real intention. Why? Because real matters. So, whether you're pouring milk, melting cheese, or just grabbing one more spoonful of yogurt, keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk by real California farm families. You guys still having fun out there? You get it? Make some noise for your next Bucket Bull, ladies and gentlemen. It's Luke Robinson, everybody. Luke Robinson. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Elon Musk is making Neuralink so people can talk to their pets. Aw, now they can tell us just how much they love us. I don't know, but I've thought about it fucking a lot. Imagine dog dads having the neuter talk. After a painful conversation about cutting their balls off, they'd be like, "Please, Poppy, I promise to keep my pecker in my pants." Dudes would be so traumatized, they'd never neuter dogs ever again. And the stray population would go way out of control. And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. I'm coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN. Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep of a shelter with a note. Good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat. Thank you. I'm Luke Robinson. They call me your big dog. Thank you. Luke Robinson. Amazing. Very, very compelling. It's very. Good job, man. Yeah. Luke, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my fifth time on stage. Fifth time. Talking to that microphone. Fifth time on stage. And how did the other four times go? First time was in Memphis. No, I'm sorry. First time was in Little Rock. Memphis was second. Third was Creek. Third was LOL in San Antonio. Okay. And that's when I got my first positive feedback from the audience that my writing is really solid. I do a lot of dog jokes. I'm a big dog guy. Yeah. You specialize in dog material. I noticed that. I do. I've lost three dogs to cancer. I've walked 4,200. Wow. I mean, starting with how many dogs you've lost to cancer is something else. That is incredible. Yeah. What are you, what? High five. You've lost three dogs to cancer? Not all at the same time. What is going on? Are you still, dude? Quit doing that. Are you giving them cigarettes? I should cut back on the cools, right? Yeah. Well, what are you doing, man? Well, my first one was bone cancer, and that was in Boston. I don't want to hear this. Look, I know, yes, bone cancer happens in Boston, but what I'm saying is, dude, give it up and do something else. Yeah. How much. Like, not get a dog. Absolutely. Unfortunately, I'm on my fifth period, so. Oh, you started with how many dogs have died under your tutelage. How many have survived? Do you have any living dogs? I have one. He's three-legged, though, so. Oh, my God. What is happening? How did your dog lose its leg? Well, that was abuse. Before me. Not me. Oh. I got him. The people before him left him outside, tied to a tree, and lacerated his leg. They amputated him. Before I got him, I fostered him, and he was like, Poppy, I'll be the best son to you. Please adopt me. I signed the papers after that. He's been the most ungrateful Great Pyrenees I've ever had. He's grateful. Ungrateful. Most ungrateful Great Pyrenees I've ever had. Check in with Jelly Roll here. This is really close to sounding like a Jelly Roll song. Well, my. Actually, my first dog kind of is. I moved to Boston. My first dog got cancer. My girlfriend left me, and she took the truck. So I totally became a country song. Wow. Cliché. But I ended up walking. After losing three dogs, I've walked a total of 4,250 miles. I started a foundation. Well, we tried to understand why dogs get cancer like people. So I tried to turn the loss. Did you walk across America or Africa? America three different times. Austin to Boston was my first one. Wow. Then the West Coast from Canada to Mexico was my second one. My last one, my third one, was the entire length of the Hudson River. Because I lost Hudson was the third dog I lost to cancer. Wow. Yeah. And a round of applause for doing that, man. That's incredible. Yeah. That man takes a pedicab to his condo four blocks away. I'm a cat guy. But he's also going to lose a leg soon, so. You can join me on my next walk. You can join me, but I have to lose another dog to cancer first. What was your favorite walk, to be honest? It's just interesting. Somebody that walked that many places. Austin to Boston was the best one. That was 2,300 miles over two years with my two dogs. Why was it the best, though? Well, that's kind of hard. The West Coast was just weird altogether. And they say they're animal friendly, but when you look like a homeless guy walking with a dog, they don't treat you like you're a part of theirs. So it was just a different experience. I find the people from the Austin to Boston, I walked across 16 states, including D.C., and the people were just incredible. It was just like nothing you see on TV, nothing could speak to that experience. It's just like selling all your stuff, putting everything into storage, and just walking with your dogs cross-country. It was so much grace and glory in that experience. How do you make money? Look at me. I'm 55. I'm up here on the stage trying out for economies. I've been doing this since I lost my first dog 20 years ago. You've been doing what? Not living in the nonprofit world, trying to solve canine cancer, companion animal cancer. Right. Do you think that solving canine cancer is more important than solving human cancer? Well, what science has taught us, this is the interesting thing, especially with dog cancer, it's pretty much the same thing. Like 90% of all cancers dogs get, that people get, look, they look the same, they act the same. It's kind of one of the things that science has taught us. Right. People say a lot of it's from Chobani yogurt. Have you seen all of that? Yeah. Yeah. Could be. Allegedly. Allegedly. Do dogs get more breast cancer than normal animals because of all the nipples and stuff? Yes, they do get. Great question. Do they? Yeah, they do get mammary cancer. Have you ever been fat? Have I been what? Fat? Yeah. Absolutely. I used to be a sugar guy, totally. Yeah, like have you lost a lot of weight? A lot, yeah. How much? Probably about 100 pounds. I know you have. You look fantastic, by the way. Cheers for that. I can tell. I know my kind when I see them. You look like you've got Ed Gaines. Ed Gaines lampshades under there. I know that feeling. I got some book club shit happening right here, too, dude. It's bad. Yeah. That's very funny, very true observation by Jelly Roll. I'm now looking at it. Your belt is made of belt loops. There are belt loops everywhere. No, no, it's around the titties. The titties is where you're supposed to look. You can see the tail. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got those. That is skin where titties once was. I'm struggling with the same thing. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Incredible. So let me ask you this. What's your love life? What's your love life like? You're out there walking dogs, three-legged dogs. You must get a lot of. Well, it's a lot better than it was 100 pounds ago. I can promise you that. Yeah. Yeah, no, when you're on the road and you're walking, man, you smell like basically piss and dog ass all the time. Oh, wow. You look like a homeless guy. So there's, yeah. So it's been a while since I've had, you know, it's been a dry spell, so it's been a long time. That's okay, man. So, yeah. That's okay. Yeah. What was I going to say? Something. Oh, do you, do you have, what is your, your nonprofit called? It's Puppy Up. So like some people down in Texas say cowboy up or man up. We puppy up. So that was my battle cry from my first walk because I knew it was going to be long and hard. So we puppy up, y'all. Absolutely adorable. We all have to puppy up in life. Definitely. Here you go, my friend. There's a medium sized. Oh, wow. You got a little dog in you. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Luke Robinson. There he goes. There he goes. Very dog cancer heavy. Eight minutes, that was. You guys still hanging in there? Next time, let's hear your next bucket pool. Matt Campbell, everybody. Matt Campbell. Here we go. Here we go. Maybe you can attest. I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love. It's never from people you hate. Like my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon. Not as bad as my little brother. He called him Adolf. And his justification for that was, is whenever he screamed, he got exactly what he wanted. I mean, he could have called him Donald. It would have worked the same. It's all right, though. My dad sealed the name deal with my brother. Because my brother came out of the closet. And his name's Benedict. That's already, I'm British. My brother's name's Benedict. I'm already at a good start. And my brother on the couch just yells, Dad, the door is ringing. And my dad just goes, yeah, Benedict. All right. Over his time. Matt Campbell. Welcome, Matt. You want to finish that? Or were you done there? Well, I was just going to say, my brother, his name was Bendy Dick after that. That was, uh. OK. All right. Well, what are you, are you English? Yeah. OK. How long you been in America? I've been in America about nine years now. All right. Yeah. OK. Where at? I lived in Colorado Springs for like eight years. And then I moved here like seven months ago. So like almost nine years I've been in America, if I do the math right. Yeah. OK. What school did you go to? - What school did you go to, Hogwarts? I do look like a bit of. Like, I'm wearing, like, a Weasley sweater right now. There's no. Fuck. What do you do for work? Uh, I'm a. I wait tables now. Oh, okay. I used to be a valet at a W Hotel, but now I wait tables. Okay, where are you waiting tables at? Uh, Cousin Louie's. Shout-out Cousin Louie's up at Dripping Springs. Great place to work. All right. And that's where you live, Dripping Springs? Yeah, there. I don't live there. I live just ten minutes outside of town. So it's a bit of a drive. So you have to drive a long time. Yeah, it's worth it. About 40 minutes? The money's pretty good. Okay. And are you Welsh, lad? No, not a drop. Not a drop. And what does it mean to be Welsh? What it means to be Welsh is you shag sheep for fun. Oh. I'll stand by that. I don't care. Yeah, I don't know him. I'm just being curious about him. Uh, talk to me about the nickname. What was it again? Buster Bacon. It was Buster Bacon? Yeah. They were going to call me Fatback at first. And then because I like jelly donuts and my mama didn't know the difference between a jelly donut and a goddamn jelly roll, that she called me Jelly Roll. That was it because I ate bacon sandwiches. That's a true story. That's a true story. Did a lot of people have nicknames where you're from? Mostly, like, rude names like Knobhead, Wanker. There's a couple other ones. But, like, we did that, too, but that would be their name. Like, we had one guy named Shitstain. I'm not making this up, and we all called him Shit. His whole life. I never knew his real name to this day. Shout out, Shit. I love you, baby. I ain't seen you in a while. I miss you, dog. Shout out, Shit. Doodle Brown. I had a dew bug, a ting-a-ling. You had a ting-a-ling? There was a ting-a-ling. This is all true nicknames. You came to the neighborhood with nicknames, too, right? Well, yeah. But I actually, a little fun fact, since you brought it up, is we once did, in Nashville, Tennessee, a roast of Jelly Roll. And you're a smart guy, because you did your roast when you were still humongous. And you gave us a lot to work with. And I just so happened to search my phone for Jelly Roll roast, and I found an entire file of jokes that I did on Jelly Roll. You can't hear a couple of jelly? I said, Jelly Roll is Lizzo for rednecks. I called him Leonard Skidmark. Hold on. Limp Biscuit and Gravy? This is a long file. I did a lot of jokes that night. There's a lot there. Jelly Roll is your favorite musician if your favorite meal is corndog. There's a lot here. I don't even know where to begin. You already started. Yeah. This is a gigantic file. I know there's a part where there's a lot. You've been going a while, though, building Jelly Roll. I've been going a bit, lad. You can see what I'm. He's still scrolling. I thought we were friends. There's a part where I had. The more you scroll, the more personal it feels. At the end, I remember I went on a run of banned fucking music puns, but now I've lost. I can't find it now. It doesn't matter. I'd give anything to hear that again. It's a live show. You're more of a churro now, though, bro. You know? I was going to say Olive Garden breadstick, but, you know, he's doing well. Sinclair. Sinclair. Tell us more about your gay British life. Is it fun being British, or does it just seem like it's whatever? Does it even seem like you're doing anything? I did recently. It seems so docile and fucking confused and librarian-ish. I did get asked for my papers recently. That was a fun experience at, like, you know. Yeah. Not my job. Just trying to wait tables. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What'd they think you were? I don't know. I have no idea what they thought I was. I said, hello, madam. How can I help you today? Where are your papers? That was the first thing, before I could even get to the menu. Wow. I was just trying to give her some, like, eggplant rollatini or something. Yeah. You know? How do you do with the ladies? How does that. I've got a girlfriend. Okay. She's Texan? She's in Colorado, but she's from Wyoming. Okay. How's that going? It's going pretty good. Do you guys talk on the phone a lot? It is a lot on FaceTime. You guys have phone sex? Nah, I can't do it. Really? Dude, it's too weird, bro. Also, I don't know who the fuck's listening, dude. You guys are all cool with that. You have no idea who's listening. You're, like, you're just, like, flicking your bean and just going, eh, eh. Did you interrupt the call? What the fuck was that? I just figured we're going to be listening to. Like, all of us are going to have, like, our porn soundtracks whenever we do something too famous. Just coming out. I'd be worried. Would you, lad? Sorry, I'm just joking. See, my accent's not funny. It's other people doing my accent, which is funny. I love British people, dude. I like Scottish people, actually. And I like Irish people. And I like British people. You haven't exactly narrowed it down, but yes, we're doing well. What's the craziest? What's the craziest gig you've done here in America, stand-up-wise? I did a show in Houston where they were all. It was, like, a drug bazaar. Drug bazaar. Drug bazaar, drug bazaar. Like a market. Bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam. What do you mean, drug bazaar? Like, everyone was just, like. Like, I went to, like, go to the green room, and on my way, it's just, like, tables full of, like, molly, acid. Weed, mushrooms. Where? This is Houston. This is Houston. Where exactly in Houston is this table? I could find, like, the details on my phone later. We don't really know. I have prayed for a green room like that my entire career. This is how I imagined the 80s were before phones existed. It felt a little bit like that. Dope everywhere and people having fun. Dude, I got this thing one time, so I had to do a comedy show. There was something at, like, the Golden Bridge or whatever in California. It's, like, the really nice bridge. Golden Gate Bridge. Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah. Even I know that one. Yeah, well, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it is. So, anyway, I do this thing, and it's all. It's like a weed conference, right? And my set was at, like, 1115 or something, and I get up, and there's nobody in there. There's, like, one dude who's dressed like a boat captain or something. This motherfucker. He's lost. He's lost. And somebody left somebody up front that, like, had left a sibling up front that was, um, kind of mentally ill or whatever. You know, one of God's oysters or whatever. And, uh. But, bro, they didn't put, like, a little sign on him or anything, so I'm fucking. This dude is, like, giving me a lot of grief and shit. And I. They got me so high before the thing, bro. It was just so. It was embarrassing and sad, bro, and I. It was just like, God, that was harrowing, bro. That was harrowing. I mean, I was. That sounds terrible. That's why we left your country, dude. So we could do shit like that. I tell you what, it's why I left, that's for sure. Matt Campbell, congratulations. There's a little joke book. Thank you very much. There he goes, Matt Campbell, everybody. I keep it moving along here. We're flying right through it. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Anthony Martin, everybody. Anthony Martin. Here comes Anthony. Okay. Hello. I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else? Yeah. I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the internet. Have you seen this? Oh, my goodness. It's phenomenal. The way it works, it's like a young bro starts catfishing. a pedophile, meets him out in a Wal-Mart. He's just like, "Hey, you looking for Rebecca?" "I'm Rebecca Goddard." Just hits him. Bounces off the chips aisle. He's like, "Leave me alone." He's running through. He crashes through a giant soda tower that looks like the University of Texas. And I like these videos, but I start to feel guilty when you find out that these guys, they have autism or mental disabilities or they're running for reelection. And I just feel guilty. I feel guilty. I was texting with my fiancée the other day and I was saying all the dirty stuff of like, "Yeah, I'm gonna take you down, flip you around all over town and all that." And I'm not good at it, but I sent the text and I immediately get a response back from my mother-in-law. I said, "Anthony, never text me that again. Come say it to my face." Anthony Martin, everybody. Hell yeah. Funny stuff. Anthony, where are you from? I'm from Burbank, California. Okay. Wow. The former home of The Tonight Show. Yeah. Red Band used to live there. I used to live there. What part of Burbank exactly? I used to live. Alameda and Victory? No. Mariposa? I'll write on Glen Oaks. Glen Oaks and? I don't want to. Oh, you still live there? My family still lives there. Oh, wow. Yeah. We don't want these fans tracking down your family. I don't want these guys. It's a bunch of angry pedophiles. "Your son was making jokes about us getting beaten up." "Fuck your son." "No, we'll fuck your son." "No, we'll fuck your son." son yeah bring me your son anthony what do you do for a living uh i work in property management okay how long have you been doing stand-up uh almost 10 years 10 years and you're managing property in burbank no uh i live in portland oregon right now i got engaged uh and that's where her family lives okay all right portland's nice it is nice people it gets like a crazy rap because all like the people like the um yeah because all the people that live there no just like the renaissance fair people fighting the fucking gay addicts or whatever whatever the shit is you know i'm saying the shit that was on the internet but you go there dude it's freaking cool man yeah the food there is great i really like the food yeah they do have good food there's that one big food court you know what i'm talking about i didn't eat while i was there but we had a great time don't know just from yeah voodoo donuts i think is from uh portland oregon is that true is it yes wow this is the kind of shit i would know this is the value i bring to tonight's show you know the origin story of every donut place they call me jelly roll for a reason origin story only the ones that are legal as marijuana states oh from a small dozen in antioch i love it anthony uh where'd you meet this girl at funny enough tinder okay yeah she was in portland and you were in burbank and you're like what's up well we uh we met in california and then uh funny story i i knew i loved her from like the moment we met like i met her and i was like god i love her so much and it's like creepy i know i know i know how it felt uh and then that no no no no fuck no are you are you insane say it it's insane no you have to not say it no i uh no i met her i knew that immediately and then she told me she was moving to portland oregon and i was like oh fuck and then i was like oh yeah that's cool that's fine we wrap up the date and i go back to my car and i'm like punching the passenger seat like god damn it uh we end up meeting up a few years later and it just she couldn't let me go wow yeah amazing luckily she did not see you beating your passenger seat aggressively right after the date this could be you yeah may have scared her away so you just ran into her a few years later or uh yeah how did that happen uh covid okay covid so you guys were like chatting again yeah and then you she was not texting me back that often so ladies if there's a guy that's not that's texting you a lot and you're not texting him back that much uh fuck you that's a good point that's a good point what does she do in portland what does she sell on etsy uh she's a crystal farmer no uh she does remote uh medical work more complicated than i can explain right yeah absolutely telehealth somewhat i don't know i know something insurance uh stuff it's popular yeah yeah yeah it sounds about right you're telehealth yeah you're managing properties so that's like apartments in portland yes so what's some of the crazy stuff that you've had to do what's some bad stuff that you've seen well i used to live here in austin uh-huh i have for how long how long how how dark of a story can i tell you tony yeah let's go so uh there was shopify talk space prize picks and i was yeah shout them out uh i was working here in austin texas a few years ago and you know close to the office there was a smell a peculiar smell that no one we're like man what's this we got to find the source of the smell and eventually uh we found a dead body wow yes it had been dead for about it's he that was a person uh he had killed himself maybe like three months ago wow yeah and it was just in the apartment he like yeah right in the apartment he prepaid his rent or whatever well that the reason why we couldn't find him is because he had auto pay on oh wow that's probably i don't like my job uh and the idea that they got extra money from this guy who was dead kind of bugs me yeah um but yeah the re say so we find his body and say no no i'm gonna say his mom's name but it's because it's relevant to the story uh because at a certain point his mom showed up the no one could find his next of kin his file was so old we couldn't it was a younger guy his mom shows dog had cancer go ahead go ahead then what happened uh but his mom shows up and she's like hey uh i'm looking for my son and she points to that apartment right there the one with the smell and all that ah and i was just an assistant at the time and i go to my manager she had a family member die recently she couldn't speak she left the office i had to deliver the news i had to deliver the news can you tell us how you broke it you want to do a reenactment with jelly roll yeah jelly roll come on let's see it is that okay yeah absolutely no we love this sit ma'am sit down um i just uh i wanted to there's no easy way to say this um he dead he died he's he's dead oh wow dead somebody say when you broke the news to her did you leave out the part like what did she did she ask how did she i mean uh he had no idea we didn't know we uh man tell us dude we all came here tonight we didn't know at the time he he shot his face with a shotgun god bro well hold on i blame so his neighbors didn't hear anything that's wild his neighbors were just like i don't that's not my business like what a wow that's nuts did you happen to tell the mom that his body was decomposing for months before he was found uh yeah no i did we uh i kind of walked her through the beginning of the story we had suspicions there was a smell in the apartment we called the police they found the body uh because you never want like one of your maintenance guys to like walk in there and have that on their conscience yeah um but i was sitting on the ground holding her hand while she by the way wales i'll never be able to forget they only gave me one day off of work wow who do you mean by they uh well i still have to work with them so i'm gonna the old lord of the land the landlord lord of all the lands i'm not lording over any land i don't own any of this no i know i'm talking about there's a big rich guy and he just tells me he's like going to the apartments and i'm like i don't we that's illegal uh the rich people have no idea is this guy blind no okay never mind that guy's blind though okay yeah why why are you curious about who's blind around you black on the inside black you feel me you were way more cross-eyed a second ago uh maybe you just relaxed a little too much it's fine he was just trying to focus on you yeah he's sitting in the closest seat he's trying to look at both of my ears at the same time wow so you found a dead body and that's a hell of a that's a hell of a thing yeah i'm uh so the point i wanted to get to is i'm i'm holding the mom's hand she's wailing she's crying and i i asked her i'm trying to comfort her i'm like what's your name and she's like i'm gay oh her name is like gay lord but just the gay part i tried not to laugh that's not a yeah that's a terror it's so dark but to be fair he had been dead for like a month like i was over it right yeah i was over it i was finding the humor yeah we were already making jokes around the office that he was haunting the place yeah and that's that's that story i'm sorry oh that's great fun stuff fun set fun interview anthony martin ladies and gentlemen here you go anthony boom big joke book there he goes let's get one more bucket pull out of here check ladies and gentlemen your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of gabriel adam everybody gabriel adam i uh i recently learned uh i don't think i just have to stand up here and make no jokes and you guys would all be cracking up i mean this is great i honestly i love this i recently learned there's some jokes you can't make in stand-up comedy - Last week I did this joke about beating my girlfriend. This guy knows what's going on. And now I can't fucking find her. I'm not sure who went and told her, but somebody gave her the courage to leave, and now I can't. I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains. That beaver-toothed bitch. She fucking. She nibbled away to my heart. I don't know what else to tell you. Seriously, though, if anybody sees her, tell her, come. Okay, there you go. Gabriel Adam, one of the most interesting-looking people we've ever seen in our lives. The verdict is in. You look hilarious. Theo Vaughn. Wonderful. Give it up for Comic McGregor right here. Now it's kind of cheap, man. I'm sorry. No, but it is nice you come out and people. Dude, the fact you got 25 seconds of free laughs. I mean, it's great. It feels good. Yeah, it probably made it a little bit easier, did it? No, not at all. Oh, shit. It is so exciting. Dang, I was hoping that would have helped. You never know who will pop out here. Having the Bucky's mascot come out right now is just absolutely incredible. I'm still waiting for that brand deal money. I mean, any time now. Very rare is someone both. frightening and adorable at the same time, but somehow you kind of pull off both. Tell us about this life of yours. I cannot wait to find out about this life. Oh, God. How old are you? I'm 31 years old. Okay, 31. Wow. You look great. You do. You look good. I mean, pretty good. I don't look. You look good. It's the lucky charms. You know, I keep fucking eating them. Okay, so let's talk about it. Where are you from? I'm from Austin. I'm from Austin, Minnesota. Whoa. Okay. All right. Yeah. You guys don't know where that is. Don't lie. Okay. Where do you live now? I live in Austin, Texas now. Okay. How long have you lived here? I've been here for about a month and a half. What made you move here? Your show. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? A month and a half. Okay. So you started a month and a half ago. This is amazing. We're getting down to the bottom of it. I love it. Do you have a job here in Austin yet? I do. I'm an Uber driver. Amazing. Yeah. Is that what you did in Austin, Minnesota as well? No. No, no, no. Not at all. I was a car salesman. Okay. What kind of cars were you selling? I started with Subarus and then I went to Fords and then I went to Kias and wanted to kill myself, so I stopped. Wow. Why'd you choose those? Well, Subaru in Minnesota is super easy to sell. Yeah. Exactly. All-wheel drive. Everybody's a lesbian. A bunch of liberal bull dykes up there. So, yeah. And then you went to Fords, so you had to sell to actual men. I'd imagine that was hard. Yeah. That was hard. So, you're like, I'm going to Kias and fucking. Well, it was complicated, actually. I had a fling with one of the clerks behind the desk and it turned out kind of bad, so. Was that at Ford or Kia? That was at Ford. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you seem like a character from Tires, dude. A hundred percent. Doesn't he not, though? You really do. I mean that as a compliment, dude. Yeah, I take it as a compliment. You seem like a character, bro. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love that show. Amazing. Absolutely. So, what kind of drugs have you done in your life to look. 55 at 31? I've done pretty much every drug under the sun, my friend. Yes, sir. Absolutely. And what was your DOC? Is that what you guys call it? Yeah. What was your DOC? I don't know what that means. Drug of choice. Oh, LSD all day. Wow. Really? Yeah. It looks like it. Thank you. It looks like you rode here from Minnesota on a rocket ship. Yeah. Like riding it just like. I figured if they can send a million of them to Ukraine, I could borrow one. When is the last time you did LSD? About two months ago. Tell me about it. That was an interesting experience. I watched this fucking documentary on. Liquid or paper? Paper. Really? Yes, sir. Okay. Fuck it. Let's go to 1995. Fuck it. Fear and loathing in Minnesota. Old fashioned. He's a romanticist. So what'd you do after taking the paper acid in Minnesota? Well, I had this really sick 4K home theater set up. So I had this like 128 inches of beautiful, glorified. You know, it was an initiation. It's this documentary on Gaia about like the dimensions and how fucking life is put together. And it was beautiful. I like shot out of my body like four times and came back just laughing hysterically. Wow. Great. Sounds like a blast. Hell yeah. Did you notice that you looked different after that trip? It fucking changed me. That's for goddamn sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Incredible. Oh, it's non-existent right now. I signed up for Sex Addicts Anonymous recently just to kind of see if I could meet somebody there. That was a. It was a terrible idea. Did you really? I swear to God. How'd you sign up? I think there's a lot of Zooms you can just go to. Well, when I showed up, I actually walked through the wrong door. And it was just like five geriatric, like 80-year-old people. And I was really concerned at first. You know, it turned out to be an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting there. But just a bunch of gay dudes talking about getting fucked in the butt a lot. Oh, shit. That's where we met. I knew I recognized you from somewhere. You're the guy that walked in and came out. There you go. Thank you. Red bands. One fart noise per episode. Amazing. So, wow. That's who. Who goes to the sex addict meeting? People that look like me, apparently. Amazing. What made you go to that? Like, what makes you think that you're a sex addict? You know, sometimes I think I look a little bit too long at the gym, you know? You're staring at women at the gym? Yeah, you know, like. I'm sure that doesn't bother them at all. When they don't see me doing it, no. Usually they don't. Where do you like to hide? What do you hide behind when you do it? What's your favorite hiding spot at the gym to watch women work out? First time I've asked that question. In 13 years. Oh, beautiful. Glad. We can get some firsts. Just whatever machine I'm using. Yeah. Just kind of peek a little bit behind. Right. I'm actually pretty blatant about it. I really don't hide it. Right. That's good. I like that. But you haven't been with a woman since you've been in Austin? I have not. No. Wow. I've had a few in my car, but that's because I drive Uber. Have you kissed a woman since you've been in Austin? No, I haven't kissed. You know what? We have a little statement. We're coming up towards the end of the episode. We've been doing a thing on this show for 13 years, where we. We ask if a lovely lady from the audience has the courage. We have the best fan base in the world, so if there's a lady out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss, now's the time to stand up. Is there a lady out here that. You have to volunteer yourself. You can't just point at random women. No shame to put a wig on again, huh? Get a. How can there. Look at this guy. How can there not be a woman that wants to kiss this guy? Really? Like, nobody? I literally see actual hookers in the audience, and none of them will do this. I guess Bucky Mascot is not the best celebrity look-alike. Well, I mean, there's nothing more depressing than no woman wanting to. There's not that many women in here. Well, there kind of is. I'm seeing a lot other than this table of fucking dudes. Whoa! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The queen of Keltoni, the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Wow. My goodness. How do you feel, my friend? I have to, like, fucking pinch myself, I think. I don't know. The whole thing, unbelievable. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Congratulations to you, Gabriel, Adam. Anything else for Gabriel, guys? Nope. Nice to see you today. I'll see you at the next one. Listen, man, I think you were fucking hilarious, man. I wish you the best, brother. I think you've only been doing it a while, you said, but I think you're going to kill it. Keep doing it. I appreciate that. I got to tell you, I agree with Jelly Roll here. For doing it a month and a half, you have a really, really clever brain. Even the thing about, you know, going, signing up for a sex addicts class just to meet women. Like, you have an interesting brain, and I think you moved here for good reason, where I don't always say that. I don't always say that to a lot of people, but anyone who has a good eye for premises this early on, you'll always get better at doing it and writing it in your way, and for a month and a half, it's fantastic. So you're leaving here with a big joke book, my friend. There he goes. Gabriel, Adam, everybody. Yeah, we will. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end an episode like this, everybody. And William. Oh, my goodness. How about one more time for Heidi, everyone? What a legend. What a team player. Boss. The great William Montgomery is under the weather today, everyone. Yet again. He owes me. money. That's why. Yet again. However, William, I do believe, makes a cameo in Busboys out this Friday. Yep. William Montgomery is in Busboys. Cam Patterson makes an appearance. A lot of the Kill Tony family is in it. Casey Rockett. The man, the myth. He'll be back soon. Support the movie, y'all. Support the movie. Theo Bach, David Spade, Busboys. Don't fuck this up. But before we get out of here, even though William's under the weather, I do have an extremely special treat for you. He might be one of the top-rising comedians in the world. He might be one of the best already if you ask me. This kid has been crushing theaters all around the United States of America. You've seen his rise here on Kill Tony. A monster. And one day, a citizen of the United States of America. But he remains the Estonian assassin. This is R.A. Matty. Are we doing good? Are we doing good? Are we doing good? You shouldn't. Because a war is coming! Fuck! Just my luck. As soon as I get citizenship, drafted. Just yesterday, you guys know that I'm a citizen of the United States of America. I'm a citizen of the United States of America. America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. And prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building. Bunch of 40-year-old losers. You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have, a compulsory military service. We're too small to pick. Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lap, and you- Down syndrome people, we send them. Oh yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian Special Forces. You think Special Forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision? Nah, it's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream. We send them. We get them all together in a parking lot. We connect them with a rope. We look them in the eyes, and we send them. And we tell them, "Listen, they killed Santa Claus." Everybody goes. Cripples. Mentally challenged. Even women. Gay people, we send them. I know you guys don't do that. By the way, the only way I'm going to war is if I have a gay squad mate. I'm protecting that motherfucker more than the medic. He's the only one sucking dick back at the base. Dylan, get behind me! I'm saving Dylan's life. No left behind. Thank you so much. That's my time. You guys are great. - God damn. Exactly three minutes. Doing triple the work that he had to do. Rocking the joint harder than it's been rocked all night. The freak of nature, the Estonian assassin, doing it his way. So many funny beats in there, man. And you got the call today out of nowhere. Yeah, I couldn't pick one subject, so I just threw them all out there. I love it, man. Needs a better ending, but I'll fucking figure it out. Yeah, you will figure it out. I've missed you so much, Ari. Oh, I missed you too, Redman. It sucks you not being on the road so much. Yeah, Ari's doing a thing right now where he's doing so good on the road that he's adding shows on Mondays, which is in what? Which is pretty much unprecedented, exactly, right? He's like staying and adding shows and getting crazy deals. It's amazing. He's a killer, man. He deserves it. Yeah, thank you. Amen, amen. Thank you, Jelly Roll. Holy shit, you look so good, man. Thank you, Ari. Thank you, baby. Did you, like, Ozempic it, or? No, no, I actually did it the old-fashioned way. With the God. Yeah, yeah. With the Lord. Work and ate a bunch and. Do you get a lot of haters, like, Ozempic people that hate you for doing it that way kind of? No, no, I just get people that just, like, won't accept that I did it any other way. Cheaters. Yeah, Ozempic cheaters looking good. I don't mind it, though. Listen, man, all jokes aside, if you're like, fuck, dude, I was, like, dying fat. If you're dying fat, dude, anything to get the weight off. Shoot the shot, baby. Go for the shot. Yeah. You hear that, Red Band? It's never too late. I will say, when Red Band hugged me, you could see he had a moment of self-awareness. I felt it in his hug, because he looked me in the eye, and you could tell he said, man, I'm proud of you. And then a little sadness was in his eyes. I was like, it made me feel bad a little bit between. I shouldn't even brought it up. I'm sorry, Red Band. I love you. Horrible time. And I said, fuck it. I Theo'd out right there. I should have waited until we were backstage. Absolutely perfect. Ari, touring's been going good? Yeah, I went to Florida for a month. I'm now addicted to pills. Great. Yeah, I went to Florida. It was so beautiful. Holy shit. I went to Fort Lauderdale. Great spot. You know? Yeah. I didn't like Miami too much. Everyone, you know, always hype. I don't like coked out, oiled up men, you know? Yeah. Dude, I saw you. Dude, I saw you. Dude, I saw you. Sex trafficking. Sex trafficking? Oh, well, I guess I'll go back. Adding shows in Miami. All weekend, dude. Yeah, I saw like a fist fight at the beach. Like between two guys. It was over a bungalow. Yep, that's Miami. It was like bungalows on the beach. And, you know, when bitches see bungalows, you know. So the bungalow was taken. And the two guys were like, the two guys and the two whores, they go to swim. Oh, yeah. They go to swim. And then another two whores and two guys come take their bungalow. So they're fucking fist speedos on. Just fucking, it's my bungalow. Dude, how angry do you have to be? Yeah. You're coming out of a refreshing ocean. And you're combat ready? Dude, if I come out of an ocean, you could be raping my mom in the bungalow, dude. Dude. You're chill. I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, everyone, slow down. What's up? Yeah, Miami is super coked out. I'm not into that. I like Naples. Old people love them. Love old fucks. Feels good when you're like, when you know you're like on a beach and you can just murder everyone on the beach. Rule a peninsula. Yeah. No one's stealing your bungalow there. What else did I do? Oh, I went to a Nike outlet store. Ooh. Tell us about an Estonian's experience at a Nike outlet store. Yeah, I didn't know Nike has that. Yeah. Like shitty ass products that don't do it. We just have the Nike store, which, by the way, looking at the things there, I think we get the outlet just without the word. So I go in, packed, packed with black people. Packed. Me and the cashier are only white people there. I see two big black bitches at the register. And when you see two big black women at the register, you know there's going to be an issue. You know this ain't going to go smoothly. Pre-talkie. Dude, as soon as I opened the door, I just hear, you motherfuckers, last time I was your motherfucker, piece of shit. They were trying to retire. They were trying to return an item. Dude, they're trying to return, like, some shorts, and those shorts look like, they've been to Ukraine, dude. They're just yelling, little, like, white girl at them, just at the register. I'm sorry, that's an Adidas. Just a second. You know, before moving to America, I wasn't a racist, but, uh, after two years, two years of living here, I'm beginning to see Some patterns That's how it happens That's how you get your citizenship That's the final test You have to be racist Ari Maddy Your tour continues on and on It's arimaddy.com without a doubt I'm in Nashville soon guys I'll see you there my friends The boys will be there I love you Theo, I love you Jelly Make some noise for the great Ari Maddy Bumps boys Go see it this Friday in theaters Support real comedians Making real comedy movies again It's out this Friday April 17th Catch Jelly Roll here in Austin The 23rd of April And us at the Greek Theater We're doing it together buddy Us and Andrew Schultz We're going to have a lot of fun there That's going to be a crazy week Again one more time for Shane Gillis Who's hosting the roast of Kevin Hart That's going to be May 10th And Theo Vaughn Yep I want to give a shout out To my producers that are here tonight Zach Powers and Nick Davis And Chin Sun Yee up there From Fighter and the King Just want to say thank you guys For all the effort in making podcasts Happen over the years And yeah thank you guys so much For just letting me be a part of this And what a dude So cool I love you too man Thank you I needed this today And so thank everybody for being here Praise God Jelly Roll I love y'all Thanks for letting me be one of the musicians That get to sit on the panel Austin Tony I love you Congratulations on what You've done Thank you Bill The Kill Tony Band Red Band Y'all deserve more than anybody In the fucking world Y'all give it up for the evil genius Tony Motherfucking Hitchcliff baby And a shout out to our production team And we never get to shout out enough The great Sarah Sloan I uh Everybody Uh Colt Monica Steve Dusty Uh Billy Everybody Red Band I'll be in San Diego July 9th or 11th At theamericacomedyco.com Love you guys You get it We're everywhere Catch us in Vegas At Wrestlemania Uh Los Angeles At the Intuit Dome Uh New York City Madison Square Garden August 7th and 8th And one last time Thank you to Shopify Talkspace Prize Picks and Quote And go see Busboys this Friday Thank you Good night everybody We love you We love you We love you We love you We love you We love you