#763 - JEFF ROSS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Monday morning at 10 a.m. Eastern Time. That's Wednesday, April 8th at 10 a.m. Use the promo code KILL26, KILL26, and you can get special two-day passes or you can get a one-night pass, but you might as well come both nights. You're going to be in New York City. Make a trip to the greatest arena in the world. Support your favorite show on planet Earth and see all your favorite talents of the future, the past, and the present at Kill Tony live at Madison Square Garden. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, 10 a.m. Don't mess it up. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for the great night there, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Oh, my goodness. How exciting. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Shopify, Takovas, and Zip Recruiter. Oh, my God. It feels good in here. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, and Nachos Belgrande. The great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this, believe it or not, live in the flesh, is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. What an exciting episode we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Ray-Ban Meta glasses take the friction out of travel. 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Shop up to 50% off site-wide and huge savings on door busters right now during the Memorial Day Mega Sale at Blinds.com. Rules and restrictions apply. Thanks for listening to Kill Tony. Listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon Music or just ask Alexa. Play the podcast Kill Tony on Amazon Music. Also with the Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music podcasts and audio books all in the Amazon Music app. Look, I've worked with some big names, CEOs, founders, Fortune 500 types, and you know what they all have in common? At some point, they Googled themselves and did not like what they found. Maybe it's a competitor narrative. That's taken on a life of its own or a bad quarter of your company that somehow became its whole identity or a leadership story that the press decided to write for you without asking. That's where Net Reputation comes in. And no, this isn't about hiding anything. This is about making sure that when the board, your investors, or your next big client search your name, they see the full picture, not just the one paragraph from 2021 that will not die about that time in a comedy club. Net Reputation works with executives, corporations, and business leaders to build, protect, and manage how you show up online because your reputation is the most valuable asset to you. More valuable than your LinkedIn profile. Definitely more valuable than that company headshot you've been meaning to update since 2017. Think of the measured digital PR team without the $800 an hour retainer and the assistant who never responds. If your business is serious, your online presence should be too. Visit netreputation.com, America's largest online reputation management company, because the only thing that should define your brand is you. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Wow. Every single week I book it. You've seen it before. Sometimes it's three guests, sometimes it's two, and then every once in a while you're on a night, here on a night where it's so magical that I have one guest that I love so much, that our chemistry is so good, where we roll with one. This is one of those nights. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you not only one of my favorite humans in the world, a man that I consider a brotherly, fatherly fucking super friend, but a genius who, right now, his new special, Take a Banana for the Ride, is on Netflix. Just came out, and you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor and one of my best friends, the great roast master general, Jeffrey Ross! Yeah, baby! You can yell louder than that, Austin, Texas! Fuck yes! My man, the best, and he is ready to unleash the flame-throwing power of another roast. May 10th, the roast of Kevin Hart. It's gonna be the best, it's gonna be the greatest roast ever. It really is. I don't know if Tony will ever be able to top his last set, but you are the Nicky Glazer of Austin. Thanks for having me, Tony! That is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me, by the way. That's exciting. I'm just gonna take that one, absorb it. The best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever seen. Fucking ice truckers over here. Welcome, welcome, welcome, guys. It is a wild-looking crowd. This guy looks like he plays the organ at a vape store. Look at this fucking guy. It's absolutely incredible. This guy right here? Yeah, look at him. Dude. He looks like he sharpens his head. What a fucking look has this guy got. He's incredible. The human dildo in the front row. Jesus. It is amazing. You look like your head should be part of a car wash. The bristles. I'm jealous, look at me. He asks his-- this guy goes in and asks his barber for the felt tip. Can I have an old paintbrush, please? That's nice. Your poor name is Used Paintbrush. We're gonna have fun tonight, Jeff. You've done this show so many times. You were with us in the belly room when barely anybody knew about the show. He used to let me leave the writers' rooms early on Monday. The rest of the writers used to make fun of me, going, "What is this stupid pot? You think you get to leave at 7:00 PM to do some stupid fucking thing?" They would bust my balls about it. It's a great memory. Yeah, you remember it when-- Tony would have to leave to go do "Kill Tony." Yeah, and they all thought I was just trying to flake out of work early on Mondays. Back then in the belly room, there were like 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So you know how it works. We've done it all the way from the belly room at the Comedy Store to Madison Square Garden. Over 200 human beings signed up. They are packed like sardines in a dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name up, if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, and they get feedback and take questions from me and the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're going to start it with a bang, ladies and gentlemen. I have one of the best Golden Ticket winners of all time, Maevee, the goat. golden ticket winner here to get tonight's show started. The automatic machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody! What's up? What's going on? I flew with my dog, and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover, you know? I'm going to get a new dog. I'm going to get a drug dog and use it for good. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at. Okay. I see these reptile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always a guy working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah. That's what I need a motor when I have shit to do. You know, when I'm around livestock. Okay, cool. Okay, the great Martin Phillips with exactly 59 seconds. Thunder and lightning as always. Is that true you travel with a dog? Yeah, I don't always, but great step up to a story. I wanted. Perfect. I don't always travel with him, but every now and then I operate him. It's like a short trip. So, anyway, usually I drug him the fuck out. How do you do that? Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gabapentin and trapezone, and it works. It works. Wow. And you, like, break this up? You're just a special. Uh-oh. You're just the old trusty fucking. Pharmacist over here? I mean, the vet told me. I mean, I didn't do my own research. He snorts it, right? Yeah, I have to shove it in his fucking nose. I love it. How long have you had this dog for? Most handicapped, most people with a condition of any kind, if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere. They troll it around with them. Honestly, I find it kind of annoying with my handicapped friends. You, I didn't even know you had a dog at all. I don't remember the dog. Well, I said, you made jokes about it dying. Oh, well, I mean. What a piece of shit you were. I mean, that happens. During my time of grief, you know. That happens. Luckily, the dog was just tripping out on fucking pain pills or whatever. Yeah, it was chilling, but, uh. But, yeah, usually, you know, he's, like, uh, just, you know, high as fuck, you know? What kind of dog is it? He's, like, a shih tzu mix. He's, like, a small guy. It's, you know. And it's legs, everything's operational, or are you guys, like, twins? We don't have that, we don't have that fucking comment. We're pretty, uh. You guys don't crip walk together through the airport? He's kind of blind, so. Oh, okay. He doesn't know where he's going either. A little bit there. I love it. D-Madness laughing at your blind dog. You gotta love it. You gotta love it. Does it wear wacky light-up glasses like Dee does? It looks just like him. I love it. I love it. But, yeah, anyway, so, uh, usually, he's, you know, sleeping and stuff, and then we were on the plane, and for some reason, he started, like, freaking out or something. I don't know what was happening. He's trying to get out of the carrier, but I calmed him down, and the drugs hit, and two minutes later, I had, like, a hoodie on. I looked up at my sleeve. I was like, is this shit? Yeah, taking a. He took a shit. In the carrier? In the carrier. Oh. During the flight. During the fight with you? The flight. Oh, okay. I thought you guys got into a fight trying to keep him in the carrier. Yeah, yeah, because he was shitting. That's why we were fighting. Yeah, you did. What a little terrorist dog you have. And no one said anything, but I'm sure they're looking at me like, I think this guy shitting something. Dude. This guy. Did you. You didn't smell it at all? So, if I leaned down, I could smell it. I definitely was like, uh-oh, but there's nothing we could do. What airline was this? Delta. Oh, okay. Normally, you can pick up a scent on Delta. Southwest, it always smells like dog shit. Yeah, fair, yeah. People would have thought it was a downgrade of the scent on Southwest, but Delta, that's interesting. Yeah. Were you in business class or normal? I think I was with Nora. We were in the back, so. Oh, cool. Shit goes down like that. That's right. Literally. Yeah. He lived up to the shitsu name. Yes, indeed. Really. So, that's incredible. So, you had it on your hoodie? Yeah, I had it. Were you a little bit insecure after that? Was anybody sitting next to you? Luckily, there was nobody next to me. Amazing. To call it out. That would have been great if it was like an Indian guy or something, and you're like, God, it's this guy over here. Did you turn it inside out? Good question. Shitmaster Brian Redman. The master of having poop on him, everybody. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redman, with the tough questions. I just roll up the sleeve. Roll it up. So, amazing. I'm glad to go down there. Amazing. Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin? I've seen Martin before. Never this close. Is this your dog? Maybe your dog thinks you're wet all the time. He's always like shaking, like the way dogs shake when they're wet. Always dry. Anyway, how much money have we raised so far? It's such a pleasure to be here for such an important cause, Tony. You look stuck. You look thicker than I do. It's extra funny because I'm healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here. Yeah. So, Martin, I love that joke. I love you for that joke. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. Everyone is the healthiest I've ever been. Well, yeah. I look like Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia. So, how's my hair? Is my hair okay? Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter, Martin Phillips, has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He is the man. Hell yeah. And now, to the bucket we go. You guys know how this goes. It could be an insane person trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row and waiting to get pulled and it hasn't happened. It could be anything in between. We're going to find out all together. Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Aaron Spaller, everybody. Put your hands together for Aaron. How are you guys doing? Hell yeah. So, I don't know. I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy, just real simple, easy going, like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, something cute, fuzzy. And now here, I just got all these homeless people. When I first moved here, like, I felt bad for them. You give them a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said cancer can't work. How are you going to use your Zodiac? Zodiac sign is an excuse to being homeless. You're not out here because you were born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs, struggling to feed myself, and you're just sitting there. I was born in July. Can you help me? Like, no, fuck you, dude. But I try to look for the bright side in everything. I really do. And with having the homeless people here, I think I finally found it. It's like if you're out here on 6th Street, and anybody starts, like, shooting, and they start blasting, you're done. We got a lot of people. We got meat shields we can use. I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair. I'm charging straight at him, and we're going to be the heroes of the day, man. But I'm just fucking with you. All right. There it is. The complete allotted time of Aaron Spaller. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you? Is this your first time on the show? No, third. Okay. All right. Well, your look's always changing. Today you look like a full-grown Chucky doll. So it's very exciting. I'll take it. How long have you been doing stand-up? May will be three years. Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I did nine months in Michigan to start, then moved here. Okay. Awesome. And when exactly did you get the overalls? Christmas. Christmas? You got them for yourself? No, my mom, man. Your mom got those for you? Yeah. That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for six-foot-four crackheads or whatever you are. It's easier to get over all this. that fit me than goddamn jeans man and they're cheaper overalls are cheaper than jeans yeah isn't that an incredible fun fact all that extra fabric yeah but i guess when nobody wants them it kind of makes sense it's kind of supply and demand or something like that cigarettes hundreds when they cost the same yeah that's a really great point our senior cigarette correspondent brian red band full of cigarette analogies uh aaron what do you do for work i do valet during the day you do valet yeah mostly tractors john deere amazing aaron uh how long have you been valeting for a year and three or four months i think what's the craziest thing you've seen valeting craziest thing or anything come on there's got to be something wacky i know you're trying to keep your job but you got in the car there's something sitting on the passenger seat just a lot of shitty dog in a carrier perhaps or something like that no somebody has left their kid in the back seat and i was like oh shit like baby baby like i started driving off and how much did you get for it not enough i'm still working there i noticed that you called it a baby baby that means like it's a it's like an extremely young child in a carrier last night i was like oh my god i'm gonna be a baby baby six months yeah like it's not yeah wow what how far did you make it until you realized there was a baby in the back halfway around the block oh my god was it a dad or a mom both oh my god it's the family man holy shit yeah it was weird wow and how did they react did you drove did you realize before leaving the car or did someone call you oh yeah so no every now and then somebody leaves the car something in the car and there's the bike lane so i'm like oh my god i'm gonna be a baby baby so you gotta like watch that mirror real heavy look in the mirror for the bike lane i just see the parents like oh shit oh i'm like what's going on and then you hear the i'm like oh oh yeah it's extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something right exactly and you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with luckily you guys were dressed the same so it was perfect gosh absolutely incredible probably wear the same brand diapers too aaron what do you do for fun what do i do for fun mainly like hunting golfing working on cars going fast what do you hunt for i've done deer pretty much my whole life because i was born raised in michigan that's pretty much all that's there deer ducks squirrels simple shit do you play music or anything why do you look like that i don't have an answer for that it's just free will yeah don't like going to get hair haircuts haven't had it in like six years i just go for as easy as possible like i hate putting tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easy as possible you have one ply toilet paper jeff where were you gonna ask joke writing oh fuck that's for sure it was so quiet during your set i could hear the guy painting i was like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god what other shortcuts in life do you take you don't get haircuts come on there must be more how often do you do your laundry oh shit once every other week okay yeah no i just have like all like those pack t-shirts so they all look the exact same you don't have to try at all give us another example though i kind of gave you that one give us another example of a shortcut in life you know what it is see some people they get pulled out of the bucket during this interview part they don't want to you know they don't want to give give us anything good to work with they want to look cool so they can show perhaps future girlfriends their amazing appearance on kill tony you might as well get that out of the way so like what is it a shortcut i don't wear boxers ever wow so there's just nothing going on underneath there so those are true overalls yeah six years yeah oh my god what'd you say somebody say six years yeah i haven't had boxers in six years wow there are seven haircut in how long six years what happened six years ago you are what happened you're cracking the case turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago what happened six years ago it was the pandemic i just gave up oh okay i mean nothing like i just gave up oh okay i mean nothing like serious i didn't get diddled or i was living with my mom life was easy i don't know living with your mom just free balling yeah wow and she's like here's some overalls dude please for the love of god cover that shit up wow that's incredible what's your living situation like three roommates three roommates how many bedrooms four how many bathrooms four wow look at you it's absolutely shocking yeah we all got our own bathroom our own shower our own shitter wow yeah but y'all share the same pair over tonight was my turn it's my night out aaron spaller anything else absolutely crazy about your life we should know about before letting you go i mean i crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour you crashed you were driving a tree yeah dude oh my god yeah like a yeah no in a car into a tree yeah wow okay can i take a guess that this was six years ago no it was that would make sense but no that was 2016 or 17 wow and uh where this was in michigan oh yeah and why were you going 90 miles an hour because i had this job where i was like i was their part it was an auto shop and i was their parts bitch so i'd have to run around and pick stuff up and i got too high and i missed all my turns and they were on the phone just screaming at me like you got seven minutes if you don't pick this up you're fired yada yada i was on a dirt road and just floored it and then there was like a cross and this lady pulled out stopped and then just stayed there so i just it was either kill her the tree right you decided you decided to kill the tree yeah man amazing let me ask you this did you end up getting fired from that job immediately no wow so they were gonna fire you for being late but running into a tree saved you yeah amazing yeah that seems like the story of your life aaron spaller it's something there you go well here's a little joke book buddy i almost made it into multiple pockets there there goes aaron spaller this is the bucket portion of the show very clearly and here we go we're gonna keep it moving like a nice guy oh the lovely heidi everybody has made it to the show the one and only watch her show love on the line see it all to your health to jeff ross ladies and gentlemen remember watch take a banana for the ride out now on netflix thank you tony thank you for coming to opening night and everything it was awesome that was so cool so cool i found a cool picture of us backstage yeah that's the best you guys have to watch it it's a heartfelt and hilarious one-man show by the way i tried it out uh in this room like three years ago oh yeah i i did a some run-throughs a couple years ago and some people earlier told me they were here so oh yeah it's kind of a full circle moment but i love it i love it we're all doing it own it all pay off your home travel for life drive a ferrari in celebration of the world premiere of the monopoly big board buck slot machine by aristocrat gaming yamava resort and casino at san manuel is giving one person a 1.6 million dollar dream package the biggest prize in yamava's history club serrano members can earn daily instant prizes and secure a spot in the finale may 29th don't pass go and own it all only at yamava celebrating its 40th anniversary you win details at yamava.com must be 21 20 please gamble responsibly monopoly is a trademark of hasbro hasbro is not a sponsor of this promotion you said this place was steps from the water we just haven't found the steps yet how much did we save enough enough to get lost or you could book a stay with hilton welcome to your oceanfront room just steps from the water the hilton sale is on now book on hilton.com or the hilton app and save up to 20 to get the stay you expected when you want savings not surprises it matters where you stay hilton for the stay ladies and gentlemen your next bucket pool goes by the name of vanessa scaduto everybody what is up austin i'm an older broad you know it's kind of obvious a little bit right and every day though i'm reminded of it the other day i was driving down the road and i saw a car swerving it's broad daylight and i'm like what the fuck is going on all of a sudden i see the passenger i can't bend over too far sorry uh pop up and do this number and i was like oh fucking roadhead dude i used to do that you know before i went to therapy and realized my dad does love me he just doesn't know how to show it um what else ladies titty fucking are you in your 30s still doing that um it's like we're playing an accordion right a shake weight right we're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else? Getting cummed in the face. That's not a facial, guys. It's not. I know in your time, probably. But what else? Why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that mystery. But the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name's Vanessa Scaduto. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Vanessa Scaduto. Welcome, Vanessa. What's up? How long have you been doing stand-up, Vanessa? I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long, so seven-plus years. I don't have an anniversary. Okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's the story of my life, dude. Where have you been doing stand-up at? What hospice have you been doing? Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not. Wow, okay. That's right. Give it up for Florida Comics. Fuck you guys, dude. We are fucking. We're the shit, dude. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Winning over the crowd with a classic, fuck you guys. Yeah, I know. Really turning around the momentum. Sorry about that. After that set. Forgive me. So you've been doing it seven-plus years. Do you get on stage a lot? I haven't in the last four weeks, actually. I just moved to Austin, so. Oh, congrats. What made you move to Austin, Texas? Actually, I came here for my spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy, believe it or not. Oh, you're in a cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spirit. Spiritual group. Yes, you were right. I knew you were gonna, just like your parents and your siblings have told you, but yes. Well, it's really just a community. It's not like we have a denomination. Ooh-wee! It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual. Don't worry. We just all wear the same outfits. At least there's a record of this, right, if something happens? No, I mean, it's literally. You guys may have even heard my mentor. Her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl podcast. Okay, a lot of name drops and whatnot. Can you explain to us what it is? It's basically just a community of different practitioners of different things. We just support each other, and we develop our intuition. What type of partitioning do you do? What's your specialty? I can do a lot of things. I can do medium work. I can do. Ooh! Oh, this sounds exciting. What type of. I can do healing. You also do medium comedy. You ain't wrong, sir. You ain't wrong. Oh, can we. Sorry, we have time. Can we. Shout out to Dave Attell. I love it. The great bumping mics. Awesome. What are you, the tennis coach for those. You know what? I honestly didn't know I was gonna be here tonight. That happens. That's the risk we take signing up for a show. And I was told to just sign up. There you go. Who told you? Your master at the spiritual group? My buddy. You should have known you were getting pulled being a medium and all. You didn't feel it in your instincts? I told them I was gonna get called. I did. Amazing, amazing how you. psychics always guess it afterwards. I know. We always know, right? Don't we always know? Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh, shit. Oh, a cigarette. Oh, look at that. That's a first. That's a first. You can't make fun of it if you see that. That cigarette just jumped out of my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Holy shit. This show is on fire tonight. I just. I just wanna tell you guys, every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm gonna put that out there. All of you guys do. Okay, so what kind of. Let's. Let's flex this medium work right now. Uh. Oh, my God. Because we never get to do anything like that. This is not how it's done, but okay, I'll try. Well, it's true. She's a real master improviser. You are, aren't you? I'm not, actually. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay. I know. I'm sorry, but it's. Wow. You're crushing it right now. You're doing great. You're doing great. I appreciate you. Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? Oh. What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Kino, give me a spotlight. John Dease, give me a little medium music. Medium music, John. Here we go. I will tell you, there is something in the alley, and I think that some of your doormen have seen something, movement in the back. Okay, there's. Ask him. Okay, hold on. Ask him. No sound effects during this part. Ask him. I would ask him. What do you mean, ask him if he's seen movement in the alley? The doormen have probably seen movement, like shadows and shit, in the back alley area. You felt a presence in the alleyway? There. Well, it's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue, like energy. Absolutely. There's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room. Kino, stick with me again. John Dease, give me fucking medium music. What the fuck is going on here? Dease, are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers? My super stoned fucking keyboard player? You made her fall asleep? That's incredible. I'm sorry if I'm flashing my twat on any of you guys. I did not. Apology accepted. All right. Here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Scaduto. Oh, God. Okay. Tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now, it looks like. No, I don't really sense anything. Okay, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something that you've done before, medium-wise, in which it was a breakthrough, in which everyone was like, "Wow, you're so powerful"? I mean, I have a daughter. Oh, my God. I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful. How about the medium stuff? I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was going to look like. I don't know what else to tell you. Does she have brown hair and brown eyes? No, no. No? You saw a blonde child. No, she is not blonde. It came out looking like Jeffrey Ross. Right, exactly. The nose was a little more smushed. But, yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out. Aw, okay. Why was her nose smushed? From your vagina? Well, yeah, I guess I had a tight womb. Whoa. So you're trying to push a -- See, now that is something I wouldn't have guessed. I would have guessed that medium is an extra large. Well, I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Oh, okay. So my daughter is in her 20s now. Okay, cool. Yeah. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, do you have anything else before I let you go, Vanessa, that you do? For the spiritual group? Do you have any special powers or anything? Well, yeah, a lot of them, we can do healings and stuff. Liar! Wow, that's amazing. Thank you very much. What have you healed before exactly? Oh, like if somebody -- I know, this is -- Dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this shit up. No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining. I know. The last guy is a ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You can heal -- You're killing the interview part. Yeah, I'm sorry. You can heal almost anything, so it depends. Sometimes you can see -- well -- Okay. I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras and shit. You can see when people's auras are broken. You can clear them for them, and you can remove certain energies. I mean, yeah. I don't know. I mean -- Okay. Yeah. But have you ever -- is there anything you can cite, something that you've done? Like, have you ever, like -- was there ever, like, a person -- Yeah, my friend Scarlett, I helped heal her. She's an artist here, too, in Austin, if you guys want to check her out. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Her spirit was broken. You just keep name-dropping. No, she had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back. Oh, my goodness. So you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves, too. Wow, I love that. You all are mediums that have the power to heal. You do. You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let this shit fucking tell you different. I love it. Absolutely. Vanessa -- Love you, Tony. I'm sorry. I love you. You're nutty as hell. I love it. There she goes. Vanessa, you're a divine being. Yes. You're divine. Thank you. Thank you, Vanessa. We love all different shapes and sizes. She was vulnerable. Yeah. If she was -- yeah. Like I said, I love it. That's why I say it, so that the people watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview part. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Hines, everybody. Put your hands together for Michael. I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feed lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's 'cause they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one, they call themselves an omega. Sigma alpha male. And those are just pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war, 'cause they're fighting a physical war with Pakistan. World War Poo. Are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pucular, you know? Every trans woman I've ever met is a trans woman. Every trans man I've ever met has been mentally ill, so maybe they are women. Michael Hines. Michael Hines with a strong dismount. Yes, sir. I love it. You've been on this show before. I remember you, Michael. Always funny. Yes, sir. Thank you very much. What have we talked about in your other interviews? Last time, we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the NAR bar. Oh, that's funny. I don't know. It's funny. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's funny. It's funny. That's right. Yeah, torta. You don't know about this. It's a sandwich. In one way it is. It's also a very thick Latina girl. Oh, torta. Very thick. Got it. Heck yeah. Has that happened again since the last time? No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again. Oh, tell us about that. Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed. Wow. The cops came 200 times. To the leasing office. Apparently weed's legal for now. Ah, very interesting. But they won't let me stay. Wow. Do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically? Oh, yeah. All the time. Yeah. Are they mean to you? She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other. Oh, great. Awesome. You love it. Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now. And you smoke weed? I smoke indoors. You don't have a patio or anything like that? No, I blow it outside. So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside? Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway, so might as well. Yeah. You, like, blow it out of a window? Mostly. So when is your lease up? 69 days from today, I'm counting. Wow. Okay. And what are you going to do? Have you been looking? I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm, like, $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe. To New Jersey for a little while. Wow. And how would you save up money in New Jersey, exactly? What would the plan be there? I live near, like, a vacation spot, so in the summertime I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out, and then probably get a worse job. What do you do for work in New Jersey? Well, nothing. I live in Texas. So the spot in New Jersey where is next to a vacation spot, that's here? What do you mean? Or in New Jersey? It's in New Jersey. So you just said you would go there, work, and grind it out? Like a bar or something. Oh, you have no idea. Yeah, no idea. Trying to make me look like an asshole. I was dialed in the entire time. I have no idea what I'm going to do. You have no idea. How did you get exactly $18,000 in debt? You're a guy that knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on, $18,000 and some change in debt. Yeah, I had a DUI. Oh, wow. Tell us about that. It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps, like, three years ago. Mm-hmm. Since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for, like, two years. And then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with, like, $12,000 in bills. And now there's interest in bullshit. So it's been, like, another two years since then. $12,000. Where was the DUI at, in Jersey? Yeah, in New Jersey. What part of New Jersey, exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent here. Long Beach Island. Ah. Oh, man, you're going to jail. Jersey, Jersey. That's Jersey. New York, Jersey. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I knew the cops that arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it. How'd you know them? I used to be an MMA instructor, and they were students in the class. A couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA instructor. I used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy. Oh, yeah. Shout out. Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly. Mostly eating at night, and this is a sad thing to do, man. When you're not on the other side of the microphone, this is a sad place to be a lot of the time. I don't know if you see, but Red Band's also on the other side of the microphone. He's also put on 35 pounds in the last three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed, by the way. It was an alcohol DUI. No, I mean from the weight and your neighbors, your apartment, your. That's probably true. How much? How much did you drink the night of your DUI? Did you hit something or just. No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o'clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long Beach Island, and it's a beach town. Remind me again. How did the cop know you again? I was an MMA instructor in the class he used to take. And you taught him? Well, I mostly taught the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes. And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to because I could beat him up. And it turns out he could arrest me. Wow. He got me. Did you say anything to him when it was going? Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put their knee on my neck, but you didn't see me complaining. Wow. They were scumbags because they were trying to book me as fast as they can because they said we got to get out there and get more people. They were fucking pieces of shit. Well, no, you could have killed somebody. Well, it was just below the legal limit, or just above, rather. It was right there. So we kind of should be allowed. Right. I see. It's an arbitrary number. I was close to it. But you were a cop. But you were smoking weed that night as well. No, I waited until I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble. Right. You waited until you got home so you could blow it in the neighbor's vent. That is true, yeah. All right, Michael Hines. Anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here? No, not really. All right, perfect. Hell yeah. This really shows what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians. This fucking guy was an in-shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of it. You know, chicks and had a great life. But you're like, I have to express myself on stage. Yeah, I know. Come on, at least give me a big joke book. I did well. Didn't you get one last time? Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time. You filled it up? Yeah, dude. You hear how much I write? All right. Jeez whiz. Here you go. This guy's going to sell it. Find that joke book on eBay in a couple weeks. This guy's 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the great Bonesai. Available at killmerch.com. Your summer starts now with Memorial Day deals at the Home Depot. It's time to fire up summer cookouts with the Next Grill 4-Burner Gas Grill on special buy for only $199. And entertain all season with the Hampton Bay West Grove 7-Piece Outdoor Dining Set for only $499. This Memorial Day, get low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot. While supplies last, pricing valid May 14th through May 27th. U.S. only exclusions apply. See homedepot.com slash price match for details. Wishing you could be there live for the big game, soaking up the atmosphere in a crowd. But too often, life gets busy. Or the price holds you back. Priceline is here to help you make it happen. With millions of deals on flights, hotels, and rental cars, you can go see the game live. Don't just dream about the trip. Book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit Priceline.com. Actual prices may vary. Limited time offer. All right, another bucket pool. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody. Katie Carter. I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So, I told a comic this recently. He was like, oh, was the guy like a real pedophile or did you just like develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile or were you like a really sexy kid? And I was, so you guys get it. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into your van. And then you finally do and you have to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. This never happens to me. Please don't tell your parents about this part. Specifically, this shit is humiliating. And the kid has to console you. He's like, no, this is probably just because you had like too much of the Eucharist or whatever. Fuck yeah, right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the show, Katie. How long you been on stand up? Two years. Where at? Denver. Nice. You still live there? Nope, just moved here. Sweet. How long ago? Like three months. Awesome. Absolutely incredible. Do you have like a day job or something? Yeah. I have like a day job or something. It's like dumb chick shit. Nice. Not only fans. I have like a marketing job, but it's boring. It's comedy is the real goal. Okay. Yeah. Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around Austin? There's a lot of places. Yeah, I try to get like six and seven nights a week. Cool. Yeah. Amazing. What do you do like for hobbies and stuff? You know, more dumb chick shit, I guess. I just, yeah, like running and fucking jerking off, all that stuff. Yeah. I love that. Incredible. Redman, I thought you'd like that. Yeah. Give you some material for later. I was getting, you're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday, so congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great. You'll be real surprised. That's why I did the show. I mean, it's just incredible. Jeff Ross, are we going to? I liked it. All your jokes were like connected. Like you weren't doing random shit. You came up here with an act. Thanks. Hey. Yeah. Bars low. I appreciate it. Stayed on topic. Stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie, what else is going on in life? Just moved here. It's cool. You guys have a different, you have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than Denver. It's cool. Yeah, it is. It is a little, again, it's very concentrated like here. Yeah. Well, it's different. Like in Denver, if someone like asks you like to get them something from a gas station, you're like legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know? But here you can just say no and fucking shoot them. So it's awesome. It is. It is very awesome. Thank you. We take full advantage of that. Tony's like, there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood, not in my 18th floor penthouse. Yeah, there's no, it's like, it's only in certain places. I do. Not in my hot tub. Although there probably has been homeless people in your house. Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin, no doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while. The lovely Maggie, available at 5th and the alleyway between Nueces and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is, though. I mean that. Like, there's like a four or five block stretch. Pretty much the street. Yeah, and they know, you know, it's like the tourist, it's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in L.A. or all of New York City. You know what I mean? This is the worst plug for the mothership. Well, it is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on 6th Street, 7th Street and wherever the creek and the cave is. So, like, kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs, there's just homeless people. And then there's homeless comedians and there's comedians that have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation? Do you live by yourself? You just under an underpass on. No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. I'm thinking about doing H here soon, so we'll see. Doing what? Heroin. Oh, nice. Very good. But you have, like, a normal girl setup. You have, like, that fluffy, white, plain comforter and, like. You know, yeah. Yep. Redman's gonna think about it later. Oh, yeah, he's thinking about it right now. Ooh, he's got something to say. Look at this. What kind of posters or paintings do you have on your wall? Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You could tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12-year-olds over here. Yeah. You have My Little Pony. Yeah. Do you have any art? Do I have any art? Yeah, do you have art hanging on your walls? You know, honestly, right now, no, it's kind of sociopathic, but, so, sorry. I can put up some Hello Kitty posters if you want, if that would help you finish or whatever. You just have, like, one of those, like, stand-up mirrors that you got off Amazon or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. Keeps me going, you know? Perfect. Jeffrey Ross. Tony has, uh. Tony has, like, Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house. I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a Tom Brady quote. Because. I get it. The man in the arena, but. I tried to. I wanted to make it funny. It's inspiring. It's very inspiring. Every few weeks. Every few months, Tony sends me the great Theodore Roosevelt poem, The Man in the Arena. It is true. It is true. It's inspiring. It really is. Have you ever had Hitachi? Oh, my God. Red Band, you're not allowed to. Every time there's a pretty girl on, you're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong, and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a Hitachi? Wait, what is that? Oh, it's nothing. It's a television brand. Anyway, uh, Katie Carter. Will you tell me on The Secret Show later? What kind of car do you have? What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive? Uh, Kia. Okay, you think I'm a pussy? That's fair. Uh, no, I drive a Honda Elantra. That was the next guess. Yeah. That's basically slightly better than a Kia. Think I'm poor, Tony? I mean, probably. Yeah. Very likely. Is that Timmy No-Breaks' jacket, by the way? They actually call me, uh. They call me Timmy No-Tits is my nickname around here. Hell, yeah. That's unfortunate. Katie, you are a true comedian. I see nothing but wild success in your future. Red Band? I guess. If you want to. Pretend like you're thinking about it. Here's the big joke. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show, uh. You did it! Awesome! Katie Carter! Awesome! You're a dirty boy, Brian Red Band. You're a naughty, naughty, dirty boy. Awesome! We have another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. It is that time to bring him out. He, uh, is incredible. You're gonna love him. He's blind. Put your hands together for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go. Shit. Is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for Robot Eyes. God damn it, dude. I miss tits so much, dude. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's gonna put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neuralink. But he says the first version of it is gonna look like old-school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want Pong pussy, you know? I'll wait for Tomb Raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon that they were breaking and vandalizing Teslas. That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucking crazy. That's fucked up. I'm not even gonna know. I'm just gonna drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the world. Like, this. This smiling skinhead piece of shit. Blaring Kanye West out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem, dude. All right. Fuck yes. A true Golden Ticket winner, Chris C. Julio has done it again. Another brand new minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours is you always have a great opening line that feels organic and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot with Heidi? I hope this is real. Is what you said your first appearance on the show and immediately I fell in love with you? Because obviously you could be anywhere. And it could be. It could be a bunch of people pranking you. And it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind, you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible, Chris. How's life going? It's going fucking good, man. Just did fucking mushrooms at South by Southwest and listened to bands. Wow. What were the visuals like? God, I wish, dude. Give me one color. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I would love anything right now, dude. It's as black as D. Yeah. Incredible. Amazing. Amazing. So what was the band? You took mushrooms and you saw, or heard what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah. Yeah, no, I. We just saw a thing all the time. We just popped around random spots. Like, I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude. Yeah. Don't know their name at all. Amazing. Amazing. That was at a festival, would you say? South by Southwest. Just, like, random bars around town. It was cool. Very cool. Very cool. A lady. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot. And then just put me right next to a speaker. And almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, you're gonna ruin my life, dude. Amazing. Amazing. I can't handle that. Amazing, Chris. Tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living in. Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind, but. No, no. It's good. It's, like, it's a lot of fun. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses. Oh, shit. And I was like, no, no, no. Right. You don't want to see those on the drugs you're on. Yeah. These are bad bye-byes, you know? Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're done wiping? God damn it, dude. God damn it, Red Band. Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Redband, asking the tough questions here today. Give me a bidet sponsorship, all right? It is a tough question, but. Are me and D-Madness gonna do a ladders match at WrestleMania? That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, do you ever go on dates or anything like that? No, I don't, like, uh. It's hard. It's hard meeting girls. Like, the apps are just like. Picture, picture, picture. Like, I don't know, like, I don't know. Yeah. It'll, like, read me their bios. Girls' bios suck. It's like, Puerto Rican flag, Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed, you know? Wow. Only when I, like, bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, that was. Amazing. And remind us, - How long have you been blind? - It's been like 10 years now. Yeah. And you had, like, easily detachable retinas or something? Super easily detachable retinas. And it kind of happened before, and then it went all the way off. Yeah, yeah. I had, like, one eye that, like, they had to remove because I just had, like, four retinal detachments and, like, a ton of, like, super painful surgeries. But you did see for a while. 18. So I was 18. Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival, say, you really don't see anything? Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is shit. Now dumber. What? What the fuck was that, dude? I don't know what that was. No, it's not Red Band. That wasn't Red Band. That was a John Dees key. He's over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just, you only have your memory before 18. Yeah, yeah. Like, I can still see in my dreams, you know? Ah, that's interesting. Yeah, but it's all shit I saw before I went blind. Right. So it's, like, every night my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like, blind meets world. Or, like, Fresh Prince of Blindness. That one's weird. I'm black. Can you take us through, can you, for example, just, like, take us through, like, the most recent dream? It doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but everything's a 90s sitcom. What is, like, the most recent dream that you remember? I'll have, like, stand-up dreams about, like, you know, doing comedy. And every time it'll just be, like, me doing comedy. And then I think back when I wake up, and I'm like, that was my lunchroom. Whoa, you hear that? It really is a 90s sitcom. Didn't work as good as I thought it would. Yeah, I'll just be, like, running away from, like, monsters, and it's just, like, a hallway that I knew from fucking 10 years ago. Damn. That's incredible, Chris. All right. Well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris? No, thank you guys so much. You guys rule, dude. Thank you so much. Hold on. Chris Delio, you are the fucking man. Chris. Yeah, Jeff Ross. Hold on. Yeah. Sorry. Fucking Jeff Ross is here. Hold on, dude. I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross. Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross. What's he hiding from me? Why is he hiding from me? Right here. He's there the whole time. Jeff Ross, you look like a. The one guy who can't roast me. I love this. No, dude. You sound like a Sesame Street semi. I think I get it. Chris. What's your last name? Celio. I'm going to remember you. Like 10 years. So about the time this happened to you, you decided I need to channel it into something artistic. Yeah, yeah. I was like figuring out what I want to do. Like I was like first semester of college and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcasts. And I was like, I've always wanted to be a stand-up. And I was like, this seems like something I could do with minimal effort. You know, like just me and a microphone seems like right, a perfect amount of work for me, you know? Yeah. But you came out and your minute was like killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working. Yeah, I work. I can feel that. And I think you're a really good joke writer. Thank you so much. And I was wondering what color your shirt is. God damn it, dude. A test will always fail. You are awesome. Give it up for Chris. Chris Celia, ladies and gentlemen. A true golden ticket winner has done it again. Some things happen fast, like a vacuum finding your lost earring. A dog reacting to the word walk. And settling up with friends on the PayPal app. Send and receive money in seconds. Access your balance to send, shop, pay back, bills, and more. Download the PayPal app to get started. An account with PayPal is required to send and receive money. A PayPal balance account is required to hold and use a balance. Feels like every product claims real protein these days. But real doesn't start on a label. It starts at the source. Like real California milk from California farm families. It's real dairy delivering high quality, complete protein. With all nine essential amino acids, to help build muscle, give you energy, and keep you satisfied longer. So keep it real. Look for the seal. Real California milk. You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants the dried paintbrushes autographed, he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucketful goes by the name of Michael Scott, everybody. We're going to keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is. I got a Roomba recently. He's black. He cleans my house. It's a sweet deal. What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives? Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I push clean on him and he goes up and down the halls. I'm like, hmm. Master keep my batteries charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over. I'm like, watch your feet. Kunta's trying to get by. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning. And he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up and I go, the hell you will. Nobody said you could take a break. So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for three-fifths the price of one of those black ones. Wow, Michael, stop pushing it to the limit of time with an incredibly racist set. That only you could do. Only me. Amazing. You can get away with it. Yeah. Incredible. Remind us all, Michael, how long you been on stand-up? Nine years, four months. Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin. No. Bakersfield, California, a little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 30th of '23. Okay. Awesome. What do you do for a day job? I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job. You're working valet, too? Yeah. This is the official show of valet drivers. I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like quite a few. Okay. Yeah. You called Aaron McPherson earlier. He didn't get up here in time, and I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after, and I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron. Yeah, I pulled names out of a bucket. Yeah, I know it wasn't you. And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call him. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not like where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name. I know. It's not like rocket science or anything crazy. It's a bucket. I know there's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket. It's fair. But it's just pieces of paper. Oh, there's D Madness, everybody. Peek-a-boo! Your Roomba just came back. So, Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on? Your Roomba plays a hell of a bass. I got to tell you. It is absolutely incredible. Did somebody tell him I was black backstage and then he came? Oh, I got to make it back for this one. Yeah, I don't know. What's going on in life, Michael? In life? Do you have a girlfriend? No. When's the last time you went on a date? Let's say three months, maybe. What happened there? Not great. I mean, it was all right. You met her online or something like that? On a dating site? No, just at a show. Just met her. Hung out. Got messed up. You had drinks? Yeah. And then what? You went back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened? Fucked her. Oh, wow. What a romantic. What a romantic man. Straight to insertion. Yes. I was already unbuckling as we were driving now. Amazing. Amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that? No. Why is that exactly? I don't know. Just wasn't feeling it. Just a white girl? Yeah. Okay. What gave it away? It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would fuck whoever would want to fuck you. Am I correct? I think he's right. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open mic? Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, "What's up?" Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I've been. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've been doing comedy and then people come up to me and talk to me afterwards. Just lately, I usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Now, I'm trying to hang out and make friends. And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's? I was drunk before, but. Okay. at Shakespeare's and other places. I walked around. Okay. Very cool. Yeah. What's the first thing you have in your refrigerator? A salmon? Girl, he fucked three months ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. oh my god oh my god wow yeah she's thawing out right now Michael let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier what's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time um guns, condoms not in the same car that's for sure nobody with guns is using condoms um no way Jose that would be absolutely contradictory to life itself um one person parked their car overnight and they had a German Shepherd that they left in the car, in a crate, in the bed strapped down he'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it but it stayed yeah and it was the winter too I was very upset about that was it like a Tesla that had dog mode on it? or anything like that? no it was like a Dodge Ram truck it was a German Shepherd perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust because it was a German Shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torturous situation perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust not still not getting the laugh I think it deserves I can't really plan to do a joke like that it has to just be served up in the air you only have one chance at it I guess that was my chance at it I guess that was my chance at it and it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping it was because it was because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters very tough situation you said it was during the winter time? yeah yeah really doesn't get much more spot-on than that thank you there it is there it is everybody thank you thank you we only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee so that was our one chance I'm kidding Michael Scott fun times yeah you know tremendously racist set that's why you're leaving here with a big joke book Michael we'd love to have you on The Secret Show brother thank you very much man Scott thank you Tony there he goes Michael Scott we're having a good old time here tonight there he is I knew it we're right on time I didn't want you to miss this guy ladies and gentlemen your next set your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eric Biggs everybody we're gonna watch them all together what's going on Austin I think too many people in this town especially men go to counseling I don't like it I'm midwestern I'm very midwestern I'm so midwestern I don't believe in counseling I believe in binge drinking all right you shouldn't be talking to strangers you should be having a problem in a garage with your friends so because I love scamming white people I'm always down for that I do think I'm going to start the midwestern counseling service that's how I'm going to go and reinvent counseling what it's going to be is you're going to come over to my garage hang out with me drink my beer work on my car it's a Pontiac you can't be sad working on a Pontiac that's illegal all right guys that's what freedom is all about and then we're just going to talk and get drunk all night long have a good time and maybe as the night goes you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life then you'll look me in the eyes and be like yeah it got hard when dad died I'll look you dead in the eyes I'll turn up the radio and say shut up pussy and we'll move on all right I've been Eric Biggs okay is it okay if I go to the bathroom that's fair it's fair Eric Biggs I see why I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies yeah yeah I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies I was a pro I kept trying he said no wow Eric how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy six years of attempting Tony god damn six years what happened here that's just a new minute a tough minute yeah I don't know it's been kind of working I've been trying it around but it did not work six years where at mostly Missouri I started off in Columbia Missouri and then where else have you been I've been here ever since then I've been down here about three years three years okay here's what I'm gonna do because Eric I'm telling you I see it in you dude look at you you're built like a snowman I am you are just you have our beautiful round head you have a round body it's built like a snow globe I think I'd never ever cared my mouth all right I think you could they don't have it in that that's their nose that's their nose there that's I love your like super confidence with no talent at all it's like amazing that's what the midwest is all about I love it yeah what do you do for a living Eric I'm an insurance salesman it's the only thing that can be worse than sucking at comedy you know yeah you do this you do that all day and you go you know what I can eat shit on stage in front of people that can't be any worse I just think that Pontiac thing for some reason did you did you did you write that in Missouri no I wrote that down here fuck all right I'm really he gave me an out he said don't take it I'm gonna I'm still I still and I might be wrong but fuck Eric I I there's something behind those eyes I think you can do better than that I'm going to give you one more minute do a totally different minute you got it right you've been doing this six years you must have a second minute whatever you think your best minute is because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now no it's it's better than where this was going yeah that's fair that's fair what are the topics yeah what what what are some what are your bits and we'll tell you what are your uh I got some stuff about marriage I don't know have you been married yes sir I'm married right now you know what just run just get right into it ladies and gentlemen one more time we're gonna start the talk thank you uh one minute from Eric Biggs everybody yeah I uh I just celebrated my one year wedding anniversary yes it's uh it's very nice it's nice to know you can still trick white women into making bad decisions like my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said our lower credit score sounds great who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it that sounds fun you know the worst part about it is is I got married young so you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young like have you ever just been about to black out at a bar you just have some old guy sit next to you and he goes don't do it don't get fucking married she'll fucking take everything you just got to look at him and go I live in a trailer I have nothing nothing can be taken you can't split shit in half okay perfect it was better that was better than your first minute makes me wonder if I gave you another minute if that would be better than that minute so you live in a trailer no sir did you in Missouri no no my parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way wow incredible what do your parents do for work uh IT and a school teacher middle school amazing amazing and what do they think about you attempting stand-up comedy oh they wish I made different decisions did they like that you're an insurance salesman yeah yeah my mom every time goes it's okay you can back out none of them know you do this it's okay hell yeah all right and so uh what else about you Eric what would we find interesting about your entire life because you're not really white trash but you're from Missouri you're kind of like a kind of like a you were you have an American Pie kind of family yeah yeah but yet you kind of dress like jelly roll well yeah yeah this is what happens whenever you go to a Bass Pro and go yeah that looks classy you know yeah yeah a 35 t-shirt will look cool on stage you know yeah you know you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price well I didn't know that until tonight what was it Jay and Silent blob yeah yeah uh so what else about your life you ever have anything crazy up in you good at any you have any other special skills or talents you seem like the kind of guy that like uh wins at like a vape competition or something oh no no I smoke cigarettes like an adult uh I would never I'd never vape what am I a coward um no I I don't know I I I think I got into comedy like it's you know because usually everyone comes from like a broken home or your dad beat the out of you or whatever I didn't have that I had a very normal family I even had like my brother very cool very supportive I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian so he decided you know I'm gonna give this kid some trauma so he died in a drunk driving accident to just really get me going you know party time we all love a dead brother drunk driving story a lot of a lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight a reminder we do not endorse that in the kill Tony Universe do not drink and drive absolutely all right huh do you eat and drive yeah oh yeah oh seems it would be equally as dangerous yeah it's a problem I'm about blacked out a couple times Hell, yeah. See the P. Terry lights, and you're like, I got to go. I'm on my way home. All right, Eric. We're going to keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again. Keep writing. Prove your parents wrong. And maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in. Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you talk a little fast, and words get together, and then ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Take your time a little bit. You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice. And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute. Yeah. You did it. That's good. That was good. Eric Biggs. All right. Relax and let Ralph's Delivery handle your grocery shopping this week. We start with only the freshest items, then review your list and carefully choose each one. Then we pack it all up and deliver it in as little as 30 minutes so you can feel confident it's what you ordered. Fresh groceries your way. With Ralph's Delivery and Pickup. And right now, enjoy free delivery on orders over $50. Ralph's. Fresh for everyone. Oh, my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the Comedy Store. He's been a paid regular at the Comedy Store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy episode of Kill Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the Comedy Store, now lives in Austin, one of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester, make some noise for my pal Davey. Yeah! You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy, people. You've never had it blended together, you fucking cocksuckers. Some of you assholes are going to have to go to jail. Some of you assholes are going to ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is cerebral palsy? I'll tell you, it's superpowers and large tallywhacker, cocksucker. That's. People, you know, like, when people ask me how to spell it, because everybody's inquisitive as fuck, does it look like I ever won a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school. We had lawn mowing as a course, fucking dickhead, because they knew I was going to fucking go to court. Sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole. As you go to work, you're like, man, I got six days of PTO, and I could just take this fucking light pole right now. If I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health, fuck him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going. Yeah, I'm going to keep going. Just keep going. You know how you know it's a shitty job? When they tell you it's like your family. I avoid my family. My uncle is King Tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right? If you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman RV, and you be like, hey, Dave, why don't you get your life together? He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost it because he's fucking homeless. That's just. Do you want me to do some more time? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. Like, where I grew up, people didn't really know I had cerebral palsy because I'm from a town where people watch parallel parking. And, yeah. Yeah. I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy until she came to a comedy show. She goes, Davey, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, Shannon, what do you think I had? She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough. That's. Davey, you're killed tonight, man. Oh, my God. What's up, boys? I love it. See you, my man. Good to see you. This is what I love about this show, is that sometimes you pull out someone that's. A real white trash. Like the fucking asshole that fucking went to Bass Pro. I heard that little fucking. I wanted to fight him, Tony. Don't take my 77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a bitch. I feel like cerebral palsy is like number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like, it's not even the least of it, right? Yeah, there's a lot of fucked up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now. You are? Yeah, well, so. I decided to get. I was up in Minnesota, and I went to go sit in my car because I was a little drunk, and then I had nine cops arrest me, and, like, when you're getting arrested, Jeff, don't have the fuck it button in your head because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket, and I decided I was going to eat them right in front of the fucking cops. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in there high. That's. You might as well enjoy it. Yeah. This is a master class with Davey Wester. I love Davey. You have your buttons mismatched. Oh, yeah. That is incredible. Why don't you go fuck your AI robot? Woo-hoo! This is Davey Wester. Be nice. She's Korean, you racist. Yeah, yeah. Can you get me two golden tickets? Because Ari Mattis, if I get that, he'll take me to the wellness clinic and fucking help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral palsy anymore. I'd just be a downsy sumbitch or something. I don't think there's enough stem cells. in the world to balance you out, baby. No, I get you, I get you. I like seeing blind people. I don't trust you, but. Davey, you are on fire. What I love, I mean, I love Davey Wester. I mean, this guy was one of the door guys at the comedy store when I got there. That's how safe it was. They had crippled people doing security. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's a testament to the times. The comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of very pessimistic, negative people, and you were roommates with a lot of them, and you fucking. Oh, please don't. Like, yeah, oh, you want to talk about Coke Kid? Okay. Like. I mean, the crew was absolutely insane that you lived with, and meanwhile, you were always funny. Somehow, you were almost always positive and optimistic. You were always optimistic in a very, very dark time, and it meant the world to me and the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s starting out there. We always looked up to, believe it or not, we looked up to Davey as a big. That's a sad state of affairs when I'm a fucking hero. But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of L.A., and you've, like, kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are. People are able to find you and see you, and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas. Well, me and Holtzman went to a rodeo. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? Even if there weren't bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just to see what you and Holtzman were doing together. Well, it started off. What could go wrong? That's like O.J. and Cosby sharing a cell together. Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought, my apartment was this abortion clinic. Because that's what. And then he. I don't know. It was just crazy. Holtzman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me. He yelled at me for not having a handicap placard that I carry around. He thought he was gonna get good parking. Yeah. That's why he brought you. Oh, my God. Bring it! Everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicap. I have a handicap. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I almost fainted just then. Oh, God. I really. You're not. Tell these people. It's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding. No, there's. All these stories are true, so you can. You can look it up. Go to Ephrata, Washington, and you'll be like, oh, this is the. What they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Moore, Drew Mickens is from my area, too. Yes. So. Yes, that is true. Anytime I see somebody, and I've blown a few people's minds like this. I'll be like, where are you from? They're like, the state of Washington. And I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned, like if they have one eye here and one eye there, I'll be like, you're from near Ephrata, and they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds. But they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington. Yeah, you just have to, like, you have to. Understand, there's a nuclear plant, okay? Yeah. I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my. favorite types of stories because you know you're not an actor you're not a writer you're not a dance you're not a sketch you're not you're not trying all these things you're a pure stand-up comedian the kind of guy that i just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever you know what i mean eat mushrooms well maybe i don't think i could eat mushrooms with you davey ah i kind of i'm very i'm highly i'm highly sensitive already the buttons thing alone would me up the entire time first thing i would do is i'd be like davey get over here let me fix this for you take off his clothes i got i got a pair of overalls it was very cheap no i i tried the overall thing that didn't really work out for me what happened well yeah when you don't button those correctly everything comes out yeah i'm fine with that uh davey if you're in town i would love to have you on the secret show thursday you are the man davey wester and now the world knows about it so cool that you signed up for this show amazing what an honor that you signed up for my crazy show one more time for davey wester everybody he's been doing comedy like at least 20 years one of the first people i ever met in l.a he's the man he's the man the original the original fucking cerebral palsy fucking super powerful comedian cleanser heidi yeah that the sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you after staring at davey wester for 10 minutes here's the lovely heidi here to reset your testosterone levels everybody go to heidi regina.com it's all good oh you got it okay there's a 50 50 shot on it how about one more time for the lovely heidi everybody all right back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen your next bucket poll goes by the name of victoria lang victoria lang our third female of the night so i'm a pole dancer and when i say that a lot of people think that means stripper and uh i'm not but if i was i would have a really cool name like miss honey bun it's because i'm sweet i'm dense and after a couple bites i really taste like nickels it's like a cup holder a loose change yeah i uh i have a boyfriend and he's a little bit of a freak so he likes it he's into this thing it's called sounding it's when you uh shove something in your dick yeah at first i was like two i was like but he makes this really cool noise he goes like this it's like uh it's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime you know how they go the fan it's so beautiful i've been calling him urethra franklin and our relationship has been great our relationship's been great ever since thank you all right 55 seconds from victoria lang welcome to the show victoria thank you it's your first time on correct how long you been on stand-up three years three years all of it here in austin texas no i'm from connecticut new york i do a lot of comedy over there okay what part of connecticut exactly like hartford county okay yeah yeah there's a fun fact about connecticut well it is literally a freeway the state is a freeway uh there's a very very very extremely fancy part greenwich and around there where of course like you know the mcmahons live and the wwe started and then there's where you're from right yeah not over there uh tell us what it's like growing up in the uh hood of connecticut oh it's like it's the it's got a lot of stuff going on over there i mean it's it we i would say we have the best comedy i think in in that part of connecticut you know oh in connecticut you have the best part of you have the best comedy in connecticut in that part you know because they're all kind of pieces of like me yeah so they get me more right wouldn't you call yourself a piece of what do you mean what are some pieces what are some shitty things about victoria lang give us the dirt some shitty things about me other than your nickel yeah i would say that one's pretty stand out that one's pretty stand out i'm kind of like uh i'm a little bit of a hater self-admittedly and i say a lot of things and i regret it immediately i go i regret that when you uh are you talking about like online or just like no in person i'll be like oh that person's a asshole and then i go oh why did i say that type of thing wow yeah has that ever backfired on you is it yeah everybody hates me wow yeah has that ever backfired on you is it yeah everybody hates me i'm like connecticut's is it yeah everybody hates me i'm like connecticut's most hated so that's what happens most hated so that's what happens most hated so that's what happens wow incredible but your boyfriend likes wow incredible but your boyfriend likes wow incredible but your boyfriend likes you he loves me how long have you been you he loves me how long have you been you he loves me how long have you been with him i've been with him for two years with him i've been with him for two years with him i've been with him for two years and he's a comedian as well so he gets it and he's a comedian as well so he gets it and he's a comedian as well so he gets it you guys live here now no we're just visiting. Okay. Did he sign up as well? Yes. Okay. We'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer. How long have you been pole dancing? I've been pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy, to put it that way. Okay. Yeah. All right. So you fall a lot. Yeah, I'm falling. Yeah, yeah. But you make it to the top of the pole and the bottom of the pole. Yeah, sometimes. Because you're bipolar. Right. Do you ever straddle the microphone stand? I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that. But I think I got, Tony made me nervous. No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me. What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's correct. Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Yes, I make comedy music. That's, I would say, my forte. Okay, that's your specialty. Yeah. Do you have, like, a song in your head that you've written that's original to you? Yeah, I do. Okay, what's it about? So I have a couple. I have one about storming the Capitol. Let's just do one. Okay. Okay. Can you take it slow? You have one about storming the Capitol? Yeah, and I have another one that I really love about dating while living at your parents' house. Which one do you think is the funniest? The one about dating, living at your parents' house. Okay. Do you know what chord progression that is? Is that a D-G-A-C, D-G-A-C? It goes, it goes like this. Something like that. Okay. I think if you play me kind of like a beat, like I can, like, follow it type of thing. Yeah, they got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like? Boom. It goes like this. Boom. ♪ Na na na na na ♪ Na na na na na. Na na na na na. Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Victoria Lang, everybody. Here we go. Give her a spotlight, Kino. This is perfect. Thank you. All right, here we go. ♪ I woke up today in the pink room ♪ ♪ In the pink room that I grew up in ♪ ♪ In the pink room that I grew up in ♪ ♪ And my mom takes out the trash like she always does ♪ ♪ I, I check my phone ♪ ♪ I got a text, the text is from my mom ♪ ♪ Even though she just left ♪ ♪ It says at least one of us is getting some ♪ ♪ Oh my God, my mom saw the condom in the trash ♪ ♪ But that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house ♪ ♪ Pick it up ♪ ♪ There is a feeling you can't hide ♪ ♪ When your mom's seen your boyfriend's white inside ♪ ♪ But there's really nothing I can do ♪ ♪ When our economy is in the tubes ♪ ♪ And maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment ♪ ♪ But until then it'll be us and also my mom ♪ ♪ 'Cause this is her house ♪ Oh, you want to make him go? ♪ I woke up today in the blue room ♪ ♪ In the blue room that I grew up in ♪ ♪ My mom wakes me up for work like she always does ♪ ♪ I usually text when I have a girl over ♪ ♪ But last night was different I guess ♪ ♪ My mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked ♪ ♪ Like me and my mom ♪ ♪ We're close but not that much ♪ ♪ And now she's caught me with my balls out ♪ ♪ Chorus! ♪ ♪ There is a feeling you can't hide ♪ ♪ When your mom's seen your dick's receding hairline ♪ ♪ But there's really nothing I can do ♪ ♪ Unless I shoot a CEO or something too ♪ ♪ And maybe one day we'll live in a trailer park or something great ♪ ♪ But until that day ♪ ♪ It'll be us and also our moms ♪ ♪ Take it down for a second ♪ ♪ And let's not forget about my stepdad ♪ ♪ Sometimes when we're getting intimate ♪ ♪ Not me and my stepdad ♪ ♪ I can hear him farting through the walls ♪ ♪ 'Cause I share it with my bathroom ♪ Same wall. ♪ Please don't look at the stain ♪ ♪ My 20-year-old cat died ♪ ♪ My senior year of high school ♪ ♪ It's not that noticeable ♪ ♪ Unless you look at it ♪ Gotta walk by really fast. ♪ There are some sounds you cannot hide ♪ ♪ Even when the TV volume's real high ♪ ♪ My whole family hears Young Sheldon and you ♪ ♪ That's how they all know I'm getting screwed ♪ ♪ And yes I said Young Sheldon I know ♪ ♪ That might be inappropriate but it gets me hot ♪ ♪ So fight me outside ♪ ♪ Bazinga bitch ♪ That's the end of my song! ♪♪ -Wow! -Yeah! -That's about it. -Wow! My mind is blown. ♪♪ Okay, that's a great band. Looking to see if she's gonna get booked in "The Secret Show." Wow! Victoria Lang! I got to tell you. I did not see that coming. -That was actually, like, a good song, not a comedy song. That was just a good song. -Yeah, it was an actually good song. -Thank you. I wrote it. -That's amazing. And I love how you directed the band. I mean, this is that type of band that if you give them a thing, they are right there, they feel the energies, and just roll with it. And you -- I've never actually seen anyone conduct them so perfectly. -Thank you. I have that lighter. -They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. -Thank you so much. -You're so ADD. You're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now. -I'm sorry. I told you I'm a piece of shit. -It's incredible. Absolutely amazing, Victoria. Comedy music is definitely your thing. -Thank you. -Yeah. That's great. You have more stuff available online or something? Where can people find you at? -I do. @VictoriaDoesComedy. -There you go. -OnlyFans also? -Very funny. -I used to have a Playboy account, but they took me offline 'cause I wasn't making enough money. -That happens. That happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost in it when you were sitting down. I was so impressed. When you're commanding the band, it's like a fucking-- it's like a real, real treat to see somebody come in and start kind of shy. And, exactly, Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out, you know what I mean? And that was incredible. Congratulations. -Thank you so much. -Victoria Lang, the set was okay, but after that amazing performance, you're leaving here with a big joke book. Here you go. -Thank you so much. -All right. There you go. Sure. -Whoo! Do I leave now? -What? -Or do I stay? -You're gone. -Oh. -What the fuck? -Thank you. ♪♪ -Anything can happen here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a show filled with magic sometimes. ♪♪ -Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pool of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLaughlin, everybody. ♪♪ -Um, I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking, you could just point at anybody in here and yell, "That guy has a bomb in his ass." And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right? ♪♪ They got to put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably gonna put a finger in you after because you said that, which could be fun. Like, if you're into that, that's, like, your thing. You can be like, "Yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now," you know? "I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass." Can you imagine, you do that all the time, and then the guy actually has a bomb in his ass? And then TSA is like, "Holy shit. That guy was gonna blow up the plane. 200 lives saved because of you. You're a fucking hero." And you'd be sitting there like, "Fuck, I don't think he's gonna check my ass." And you'd be like, "Yeah, I don't think he's gonna check my ass." - Wait, what? - I moved here when I was 12 years old. - Oh, got it. - Yeah, sorry. I thought you said you were on this show when you were 12. - No. - No, not that. Amazing, amazing. Okay. Where were you at before you were 12? Just out of curiosity. - I was in California. - Okay. - Yeah, San Jose. - Nice. How old are you now? - I'm 32. - 32. Okay. What do you do for work? - I, um, well, I sell mortgages, kind of. - All right. What do you mean, "kind of"? Well, I mean, I'm not very good at it, so. I've been doing, like, TikTok and Facebook and, like, content creation, kind of, lately, but. - How's that going? Good? Is that profitable? - Yeah, it's good. I mean, you know, it's okay. Yeah, it's fun. It's good. I enjoy it. - Cool. What else do you do, content creation-wise? - Um, I do movie reviews mostly right now. It's kind of, like, a big thing. - Nice. - Yeah. Can I have a cigarette? - Sure. - Yeah? - Yeah. Why not? I'm not gonna give you a cigarette. I can give you a lighter, but you can have a second. No, I'm kidding. What's a movie you've seen lately that was good? - I watched "Batman Begins" last night. It's great. - I mean, that's a 19-- what is that, '91, '93? - No, it was 2005, with, uh. - What? "Batman Begins"? - Christian Bale. "Batman Begins," 2005. - Am I losing-- maybe it's, like, a fucking-- is that, like, a-- - I mean, I saw it last night. - Berenstein Bears thing? Look it up for me, just to-- I thought "Batman Begins" was the Tim Burton-- "Batman Begins" one, but maybe that's just "Batman," huh? - No, it's not. - "Batman Begins." Yeah, I guess so. "Batman Begins." Oh, yeah, there it is, 2005. Okay, well, what'd you think about the 2005 classic, "Batman Begins"? The unforgettable "Batman Begins," often confused for "Danny DeVito is the Penguin." - It's good. It's pretty good. - What a review. - Yeah. Yeah. I saw one very recently called "Heel." I want to see a crazy movie called-- go see "Heel," H-E-E-L, on Amazon. - "Heel"? - Yeah. - Is that a new movie? Is that-- - It is a new movie. It's about a guy who gets trashed, really, really big party boy, and he gets taken hostage, put in somebody's basement, and I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie. - Interesting. That's cool. Yeah, I'll put it on the list. I'll-- I mean, "Flow." There's not one word in the whole entire movie. - "Flow"? - Yeah. - Do you like any of the Oscar picks? "Marty Supreme," "Now"? - No. That's all fucking absolute dog shit. - Oh, really? - Beyond all dog shit. We're not-- yeah, we don't play that. - Yeah, we can move on. - But I will give one more. For those of you that can handle subtitles, I know that's not a lot of the "Kill Tony" fan base, but if you can, check out a movie on Amazon called "The Coffee Table" if you want your heart to beat out of your fucking chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it. There's one real fucking freak out there. - Yeah, all right. - It's a crazy movie. - Got to watch that one. - "Coffee Table"? - Yeah, "The Coffee Table." - Okay, yeah. That's, yeah, on the list, yeah. Thank you. - Yeah, absolutely. What-- what is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed that blew your mind? A newer movie. - Ohh. To be honest, like, I feel like new movies kind of suck. I saw "Cast Away" the other day. That was just amazing. - Unbelievable. Any day, you're gonna make it to fucking "Pulp Fiction" or "Forrest Gump" or "Shawshank Redemption." - Yeah, those are good, too. - Jesus Christ. - What made you watch "Cast Away" out of nowhere? - Um, it was on Netflix. - Red Band pointed out a good one while we're in fucking movie mode for the first time in our 13-year history 'cause we did have this conversation. I avoided Demi Moore's "The Substance" 'cause I thought it would automatically be a chick flick 'cause it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos, but if you want to really fucking go for an insane ride on "The Substance". - Yeah, it's sexy as fuck. - Jesus Christ. - Incredibly watchable. I have seen that. - You have seen that? - Yeah, it's very good. - Did you see "The Substance," Jeff? You gotta see this movie. - Yeah, what happened? - It's fucking nuts. - Hot. - Well, it's about-- it's about the, uh. I guess the overall principle of the movie is it's about, like, trying to preserve your beauty, and the sacrifices that you would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look now for a-- instant gratification now for a nightmare situation, perhaps later. - Great review. - Yeah. - Did you see "Song Sung Blue"? That was really good. - Uh-uh, is that a Japanese movie? - No, it was, like, Hugh Jackman and, uh. and, uh. - "Song Sung Blue," I believe, is one of our golden-ticket winners. - ♪ Song sung blue ♪ ♪ Da, da, da ♪ - - It's about Neil Diamond impersonators, but it's really good. - Oh, cool. - Yeah, and, uh, you know, uh, Kate Hudson - Hugh Jacks-- Jackman. - Hugh Jackman, very good movie. - I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there. - I was like, "It's a really nice club. I didn't want to ash on your wall here." - There's an ashtray. There's-- there's an ashtray right there. - Oh, yeah. - There it is. - It holds it like he's French or something. - Yeah. - ♪ Ooh, I do a movie review ♪ - Yeah. Yeah. - ♪ Perhaps you've seen, uh, ♪ "La Mayonnaise," starring, uh, Pepe Le Pew ♪ - That's pretty good. - Yeah. - Um. - It's like he's, like, waiting for Conan O'Brien. - I don't know. - I don't know. - Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else. - Um. Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was something interesting. What did you sell? Well, no, like shit, like actual poop. Oh, wow. Yeah, there's a website called. Bury the lead, why don't you? No, there's a website called the Human Biome Project, and they pay, like, $180,000 a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to, like, donate or whatever, and it's, like, a real thing. They pay you money for your poop, and they put it, like, in a pill because it, like, helps with bacteria for other people. It's, like, a whole thing. Did you get. You got money for this? No, I just. I applied, and I didn't get in. Do you have to send them your poop to apply? So it's a weird process. Like, the first part is you do an IQ test, which I thought was weird. Uh. I passed that, thank God. And then the next part, you send them photos. That's where I failed, because I had diarrhea on the last day, so. Yeah. Yeah. It's, like, Crohn's disease or something like that. No, I don't have that. No, no, it's for Crohn's disease. Oh, yeah, maybe. I just wanted the money. Yeah. Amazing. So other than selling shit, what else have you done with your life, Eric? Um. Red Band's, like, new merch idea. That's corny. Another poop joke. Red Band, our senior poop correspondent. Yeah. Eric, tell us a. One more fun fact about your life. Um. Man, am I interesting? I'm Brazilian. That's, I mean, that's a big one. I told you that last time. I'm a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see family, and it's just fun being white in Brazil and speaking Portuguese. You get to go to Brazil often? I do, yeah. I go every year to see my family, and that's kind of. Do you ever feel like you're gonna be kidnapped or taken for money? That's a big, big deal over there. Am I correct? No, it's not Mexico. It's, like, uh. It's, like, a little nicer. I mean, it's. It's. But it's not. Are you in the. Are you in a specific gated white part of Brazil? Brazil is famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white people. No, there are places like that in Brazil. Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's the place in Brazil in which that's a thing. What are you, the head of tourism over there or something? Well, hey, I'm just, you know, trying to represent Brazil. But it is the second most dangerous country on the planet, right behind Afghanistan. There it is. Wow, there it is. Yeah, it's not Mexico. You're right. You're right. It is dangerous, but they do, like. They separate people, which is bad. But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good. There you go. I had a feeling. It took a while to get there, but there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about, Tony. Brazil is so nice. Yeah, you're right. All right. What's your dating life like? Not really dating. I mean, I go into the apps every now and then, and I, you know, I kind of hit around and then see what's up. But I'm not really, like, actively getting out there. Last date. What about you? Last. Thank you. Thank you. Way to change the subject there. Last date you went on, what was that like? It wasn't really a date. She just sort of came over, which was cool. Mm-hmm. That was fun. But that was around September. That was the last time. She just hit me up. She was drunk. She was like, what are you doing? And she was like, you want to go out? And I'm like, no. I'm at home watching a movie. And she was like, well. Wow. Batman. Batman begins. Here's a medium-sized joke book. It's all I have left. There he goes. All right. Eric McLaughlin. Actually, switch that up. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one. Trade that medium for a big. All right. Since we were running a little ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket full, huh? Put your hands together for Jonathan Jerrigan. We'll make this one quick, no matter what happens. We got to keep it moving. Jonathan Jerrigan is your final bucket full of the night. What's going on? Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I had to stop wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dommer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the friend zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend? What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding personality. If I were in a biker gang, it would be Sons of Applebees. Going on a date with me is so cold, it's how it feels to chew five gum. I don't even know what I'm doing right now. I'm like, what's going on? that's why i moved here bitch did you look at anything did you google me at all i was homeless before and now i'm not but you want me to write a nigga that felt like slavery to me you want me to write you an essay about why i was poor and why my nigga credit wasn't real and it's still not to me i don't need credit i'm making the money but they want me to write them an essay that shit is in what the fuck is austin texas doing you want me to write you an essay so i can stay in a house you don't want to live in no more you want me to live in there and then pay you money to live that shit actually let me be homeless you let me be homeless because honestly i miss my homeless dick package that i used to give women i used to fuck good as fuck when i was homeless i was a better boyfriend when i was homeless because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep i've been using rich nigga dick for fucking six months which is mostly like i'm too tired i just did a nigga that ain't got nowhere to go i'm gonna fuck you whenever the fuck you want to i'm doing moves i never even thought possible leg up sideways i want to get back to that package you ain't hurting my feel until nick i learned i was a better boyfriend when i was homeless i learned how to fold a fitted blanket when i was homeless i learned how to fold a fitted blanket when i was homeless i learned how to fold clothes when i was i learned how to fold a fitted blanket when i was homeless normally i just wash clothes i put normally i just wash clothes i put normally i just wash clothes i put them on a bed and then i sleep on it them on a bed and then i sleep on it them on a bed and then i sleep on it because my bed is too hard because my bed is too hard because my bed is too hard that's my time i love y'all that's my time i love y'all that's my time i love y'all dedrick flynn ladies and gentlemen deep deep and true it's some insight into the deep deep and true it's some insight into the deep deep and true it's some insight into the true life of dedrick flynn does she true life of dedrick flynn does she true life of dedrick flynn does she hurt my how i thought because i was in hurt my how i thought because i was in hurt my how i thought because i was in texas right and i was a kill tony that's texas right and i was a kill tony that's texas right and i was a kill tony that's what i put on the application kill tony what i put on the application kill tony what i put on the application kill tony regular let me in yeah let me in yeah let me in yeah i'm making enough money to buy the house i'm making enough money to buy the house i'm making enough money to buy the house yeah but they told me my credit was too yeah but they told me my credit was too yeah but they told me my credit was too bad and they wanted to and i've never bad and they wanted to and i've never bad and they wanted to and i've never written an essay for you want me to write an essay so i can you want me to write an essay so i can you want me to write an essay so i can live in your house live in your house live in your house fuck austin texas right now did they did fuck austin texas right now did they did fuck austin texas right now did they did they know they know they know did they well i guess your name on the did they well i guess your name on the did they well i guess your name on the application was application was they well i guess your name on the application was dedrick so dedrick so dedrick so you think it has anything to do with the you think it has anything to do with the you think it has anything to do with the possibility that possibility that possibility that perhaps you were perhaps you were perhaps you were no no no dedrick is a german name dedrick is a german name dedrick is a german name german chocolate yeah they said i put dead red on there and i they said i put dead red on there and i they said i put dead red on there and i thought they would just google me and be thought they would just google me and be thought they would just google me and be like that's okay like that's okay like that's okay yeah well we found out recently you call yeah well we found out recently you call yeah well we found out recently you call it a heavy debit card you don't even it a heavy debit card you don't even it a heavy debit card you don't even have a credit card no i have a heavy have a credit card no i have a heavy have a credit card no i have a heavy debit card right now red man white dad debit card right now red man white dad debit card right now red man white dad don't treat me like this in front of the don't treat me like this in front of the don't treat me like this in front of the credit card white white dad i i did credit card white white dad i i did credit card white white dad i i did everything i could not also to ask me everything i could not also to ask me everything i could not also to ask me why i was poor before as if you never why i was poor before as if you never why i was poor before as if you never heard a rap song that's what happened i heard a rap song that's what happened i heard a rap song that's what happened i just just just listen to gucci listen to young listen to gucci listen to young listen to gucci listen to young dolls listen to meat meal i was dolls listen to meat meal i was dolls listen to meat meal i was poor and now i'm not that's the end of poor and now i'm not that's the end of poor and now i'm not that's the end of it that's every rap song that started it that's every rap song that started it that's every rap song that started why you act like this is the first time why you act like this is the first time why you act like this is the first time you've ever heard of a black person you've ever heard of a black person you've ever heard of a black person making his dreams come true making his dreams come true making his dreams come true dadrick this is true have you been dadrick this is true have you been dadrick this is true have you been selling the the chains are looking a selling the the chains are looking a selling the the chains are looking a little tight tonight have you been little tight tonight have you been little tight tonight have you been selling links on of your gold chains selling links on of your gold chains selling links on of your gold chains for the down payment of this house it's for the down payment of this house it's for the down payment of this house it's starting to look like you're a pit bull starting to look like you're a pit bull starting to look like you're a pit bull or something like that you already look or something like that you already look or something like that you already look like a stray dog like a stray dog like a stray dog i went back to being a stray dog all i i went back to being a stray dog all i i went back to being a stray dog all i do is push-ups i'm a pit bull do is push-ups i'm a pit bull do is push-ups i'm a pit bull like i'm a good boy but i'm a bad dog like i'm a good boy but i'm a bad dog like i'm a good boy but i'm a bad dog you know that tony absolutely like i'm a you know that tony absolutely like i'm a you know that tony absolutely like i'm a good boy everybody loves they want to good boy everybody loves they want to good boy everybody loves they want to pet me but i'll buy the kid pet me but i'll buy the kid pet me but i'll buy the kid that is true how dare look what the that is true how dare look what the that is true how dare look what the fuck i have so much gold is this house fuck i have so much gold is this house fuck i have so much gold is this house that you put that you're applying to is that you put that you're applying to is that you put that you're applying to is it does it happen to be a dog house it does it happen to be a dog house it does it happen to be a dog house it's not even nice it's not even nice it's not even nice it's not even nice how dare you ask me to it's not even nice how dare you ask me to it's not even nice how dare you ask me to write an essay has anybody in this write an essay has anybody in this write an essay has anybody in this audience ever written an essay to rent a audience ever written an essay to rent a audience ever written an essay to rent a house house house don't play with me don't play with me don't play with me i was trying to react i was trying to react i was trying to react either play it or don't dendrick what either play it or don't dendrick what either play it or don't dendrick what else is going on in life anything else else is going on in life anything else else is going on in life anything else uh i just want to say right now that uh i just want to say right now that uh i just want to say right now that officially i'm the dark storm of chicago officially i'm the dark storm of chicago officially i'm the dark storm of chicago uh i just sold out four shows out of uh i just sold out four shows out of uh i just sold out four shows out of five in chicago and i had a great five in chicago and i had a great five in chicago and i had a great time out there time out there time out there that was fantastic that was fantastic that was fantastic yeah zany's they they were ripping so yeah zany's they they were ripping so yeah zany's they they were ripping so much fun they told me they sold the most much fun they told me they sold the most much fun they told me they sold the most alcohol they've ever sold in the last alcohol they've ever sold in the last alcohol they've ever sold in the last three years from my five shows little three years from my five shows little three years from my five shows little fun fact about zany's i've headlined fun fact about zany's i've headlined fun fact about zany's i've headlined there probably somewhere six seven eight there probably somewhere six seven eight there probably somewhere six seven eight nine ten times or whatever but at one nine ten times or whatever but at one nine ten times or whatever but at one point i opened up there for jeffrey ross point i opened up there for jeffrey ross point i opened up there for jeffrey ross i was just just a measly opener i was just just a measly opener i was just just a measly opener yeah they looked at me while i'm yeah they looked at me while i'm yeah they looked at me while i'm looking at your they look looking at your they look looking at your they look my roommate texting me being like hey my roommate texting me being like hey my roommate texting me being like hey they want an essay while i'm looking at they want an essay while i'm looking at they want an essay while i'm looking at your phone i hate touring because every your phone i hate touring because every your phone i hate touring because every time i go somewhere you're there time i go somewhere you're there time i go somewhere you're there and i can see you watching me so i'm and i can see you watching me so i'm and i can see you watching me so i'm like i can't do bad tony henscliffe is like i can't do bad tony henscliffe is like i can't do bad tony henscliffe is right there on the wall i am and i i right there on the wall i am and i i right there on the wall i am and i i just can't do no bad that's just that just can't do no bad that's just that just can't do no bad that's just that fuck austin how the fuck you can't hate fuck austin how the fuck you can't hate on the city of austin by the way yes i on the city of austin by the way yes i on the city of austin by the way yes i can't know that nowhere go see if can't know that nowhere go see if can't know that nowhere go see if chicago's gonna sell you a nice house chicago's gonna sell you a nice house chicago's gonna sell you a nice house without an essay essay i looked at it without an essay essay i looked at it without an essay essay i looked at it uh uh uh no it was 33 degrees outside when i left no it was 33 degrees outside when i left no it was 33 degrees outside when i left and i got here and it was 91 i was like and i got here and it was 91 i was like and i got here and it was 91 i was like this is where i'm supposed to be this is where i'm supposed to be this is where i'm supposed to be pro-tip dedrick don't write them an pro-tip dedrick don't write them an pro-tip dedrick don't write them an essay send them your upcoming schedule essay send them your upcoming schedule essay send them your upcoming schedule you can you can literally get your you can you can literally get your you can you can literally get your agents to like compile a thing that says agents to like compile a thing that says agents to like compile a thing that says i did what you're doing wanted why my i did what you're doing wanted why my i did what you're doing wanted why my credit score was bad credit score was bad credit score was bad as if they've never heard a dream come as if they've never heard a dream come as if they've never heard a dream come true true true that's true true that's true and how i have the l i have an llc in and how i have the l i have an llc in and how i have the l i have an llc in the escort red band you help me make it the escort red band you help me make it the escort red band you help me make it llc yeah he's got littler and littler llc yeah he's got littler and littler llc yeah he's got littler and littler chains that's the llc he's got chains that's the llc he's got chains that's the llc he's got it's called both these llc those things it's called both these llc those things it's called both these llc those things are shrink either those are shrinking are shrink either those are shrinking are shrink either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time or your neck is growing in real time or your neck is growing in real time you're having an allergic reaction the you're having an allergic reaction the you're having an allergic reaction the push-ups because these online push-ups because these online push-ups because these online want to fight dedrick we love you want to fight dedrick we love you want to fight dedrick we love you everybody loves you everybody loves you everybody loves you the richest homeless man in austin the richest homeless man in austin the richest homeless man in austin ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen guys if you've ever listened to guys if you've ever listened to guys if you've ever listened to anything i tell you i implore you go anything i tell you i implore you go anything i tell you i implore you go to netflix now that the episode is over to netflix now that the episode is over to netflix now that the episode is over and watch take a banana for the ride and watch take a banana for the ride and watch take a banana for the ride and without a doubt as you know make sure and without a doubt as you know make sure and without a doubt as you know make sure you watch the roast of kevin hart on you watch the roast of kevin hart on you watch the roast of kevin hart on may 10 live on netflix anything can may 10 live on netflix anything can may 10 live on netflix anything can happen maybe someone trips up the stairs happen maybe someone trips up the stairs happen maybe someone trips up the stairs or whatever or whatever or whatever throws the shot glass on the ground and throws the shot glass on the ground and throws the shot glass on the ground and glass flies everywhere it's as live as glass flies everywhere it's as live as glass flies everywhere it's as live as it gets on netflix gonna be a lot of it gets on netflix gonna be a lot of it gets on netflix gonna be a lot of fun thank you kill tony thank you red fun thank you kill tony thank you red fun thank you kill tony thank you red man give it up for these incredible man give it up for these incredible man give it up for these incredible musicians tonight musicians tonight musicians tonight yeah tony i love you thank you i love yeah tony i love you thank you i love yeah tony i love you thank you i love you letting me be a part of your crazy you letting me be a part of your crazy you letting me be a part of your crazy world yeah i love you you're the man world yeah i love you you're the man world yeah i love you you're the man one more time for the great jeff ross one more time for the great jeff ross this episode's been brought to you by this episode's been brought to you by this episode's been brought to you by shopify tagovas and sim recruiter let's shopify tagovas and sim recruiter let's shopify tagovas and sim recruiter let's check in with the local artist chris check in with the local artist chris check in with the local artist chris rogers see what he drew it's jeff ross rogers see what he drew it's jeff ross rogers see what he drew it's jeff ross everybody everybody everybody hell yeah that's absolutely incredible hell yeah that's absolutely incredible hell yeah that's absolutely incredible uh i can let you know that indeed you uh i can let you know that indeed you uh i can let you know that indeed you still have a chance perhaps of getting still have a chance perhaps of getting still have a chance perhaps of getting tickets for uh kill tony wrestlemania las tickets for uh kill tony wrestlemania las tickets for uh kill tony wrestlemania las vegas nevada it's an absolute vegas nevada it's an absolute vegas nevada it's an absolute incredible hybrid uh of your favorite incredible hybrid uh of your favorite incredible hybrid uh of your favorite fucking of the greatest fucking of the greatest fucking of the greatest fucking entertainment two two of your fucking entertainment two two of your fucking entertainment two two of your favorite entertainment sources wwe and kt favorite entertainment sources wwe and kt favorite entertainment sources wwe and kt all together at once madison square all together at once madison square all together at once madison square garden is now on sale for early august garden is now on sale for early august garden is now on sale for early august in new york city and we're doing the in new york city and we're doing the in new york city and we're doing the intuit dome intuit dome intuit dome and that's a may 7th i do believe and that's a may 7th i do believe and that's a may 7th i do believe and then the eighth ninth tenth yeah and then the eighth ninth tenth yeah and then the eighth ninth tenth yeah i think it's the seventh thursday may i think it's the seventh thursday may i think it's the seventh thursday may 7th at the intuit dome the week of the 7th at the intuit dome the week of the 7th at the intuit dome the week of the netflix is a joke netflix is a joke netflix is a joke week which ends with the roast of kevin week which ends with the roast of kevin week which ends with the roast of kevin hart red band uh san diego i'll be there hart red band uh san diego i'll be there hart red band uh san diego i'll be there at july 9th through 11th bringing some at july 9th through 11th bringing some at july 9th through 11th bringing some friends americancomedyco.com thank you friends americancomedyco.com thank you friends americancomedyco.com thank you to our sponsors how about one more time to our sponsors how about one more time to our sponsors how about one more time for the best damn band in the land for for the best damn band in the land for for the best damn band in the land for jeff ross take a banana for the ride jeff ross take a banana for the ride jeff ross take a banana for the ride right now every single one of you go right now every single one of you go right now every single one of you go watch it keep it on let it run all the watch it keep it on let it run all the watch it keep it on let it run all the way to the end for his retention way to the end for his retention way to the end for his retention ratings ratings ratings we love you guys thank you so much we love you guys thank you so much we love you guys thank you so much good night everybody We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back.