The episode of *Killtony* is a wildly improvised, chaotic, and deeply humorous live stand-up showcase, blending absurdity, personal anecdotes, and sharp satire. Host RedBan introduces a lineup of comedians, including William Montgomery, who recounts a phone incident in the trash and reveals a fictional cyberattack on his website, adding layers of dark humor and real-world relevance. Mr. Ziegler delivers a raunchy, self-deprecating set about stand-up breaks, relationships, and barbering, culminating in a joke about a teenage threesome. Riley Galvin, a 21-year-old newcomer, shares his journey in Tennessee, his work at a diner, and his use of ketamine, while Joe Ellis offers a heartfelt, trans-affirming monologue about transitioning, overcoming stigma, and the importance of visibility. The episode reaches a climax with an unexpected surprise: Ari Shaffir returns from a global journey and reveals a new storytelling series featuring Tony Hinchcliffe. Throughout, the show thrives on spontaneity, improvisation, and a fearless exploration of identity, sexuality, and vulnerability. The tone is irreverent yet heartfelt, uniting stand-up comedy with social commentary and community celebration, making it both a hilarious and timely experience. The energy is electric, with frequent audience reactions, chaotic transitions, and a strong emphasis on real human experiences. The segment highlights how personal stories—ranging from phone mishaps to trans identities and global travel—can become powerful tools of comedy and connection. The show’s unscripted nature underscores the authenticity and unpredictability that define its appeal.
Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the golden pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Let me show you what I can do. Is this thing even on a press and a wrap-out, walks into a pod? I didn't really mean everything I said that night. This is gonna be insane. This is going to be awesome. Killtony, Saturday, April 18th, tickets on sale now. Hey, this is RedBan, coming you live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas. We're a brand new episode of Killtony, get up and done it, let's go! Who's ready for the best night of their fucking lives, huh? Oh my goodness, hello everybody. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world. This episode is brought to you by Shopify and Quill. How are we feeling tonight, you guys excited to be here? We're Olejo Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzales, Nachos Belgrande, Cicin York. You can't call ice with the phones locked up. One more time for Matt Mewling, he's actually an undercover ice officer. Fun fact, that's why he sits on the other side. And John Deese is on the keys, everybody. He is the band that put this whole band together. And this right here is Demadness, live in the flesh, everyone. We have an unbelievable episode ready for you, I mean, I think so. We have no idea what's going to fucking happen, really. But before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Boy oh boy, do I have good news for you guys every single week. I booked this show this week, no different to the funniest human beings in the world. Most importantly, two masters of podcasting. Two guys that on this show are literally two of my favorites, I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Please welcome the hosts of the Are You Garbage Podcast. Two of the best, it's Kevin Ryan and each bully, everybody. Here we go, each bully, Kevin motherfucker Ryan, let's go. Two of the best guests in the show's history. They are on the back on the block tour, tickets available at areyougarbage.com, boys, gentlemen, welcome back. Thanks for fucking having us, Tony. Here we go. Here we go. Thank you Austin for having us. God damn right. You guys have done the show numerous times before, it's always, always the best fucking episodes. This bucket, as you know, is filled with hundreds, hundreds of names. They're all stacked on top of each other at a disgusting bar next door. I mean, it is horrible. The conditions are crazy, there have been fights lately. Just people sweating all over each other. They have vodka tonic pictures for like $3 or something insane, so people are like getting too fucked up. They're trying to make money off these open micers that should not be drinking before the show, before the opportunity of a lifetime. Fight pool, their name out of the bucket, it's simple. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted in front of millions and millions of viewers at home and the hundreds and hundreds in this packed house. You know, there's 60 seconds. This is up in here. The sound of a kitten. It means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set with an extremely loud noise, and then I conduct an interview and try to find out more about them, and they're insane lives, and anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised, so you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show. We're going to start it with a bang tonight, everybody. This guy, for literally the longest time, was the closer of the show. He is the Hall of Fame member with the record for most appearances in the show's history. Most interviews in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that some people call the Baron of Blutschew, the Sultan of Shopify, the Queen of Quo, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles great, John Lynn, and just revealed she thinks he was gay. I think that explained some of the songs he wrote, norwegian would roll over Beethoven, "Quist and shout this boy has my penis in his mouth." And by the way, are they ever going to make the Fred Flintstone car again? A guy in L.A. died after cutting his own dick off. Red man, what does it feel like not to have a dick? Oh, you used AI? Cool. I used it 20 years ago. It was called Miss Cleo. Bump of Claw, Roosevelt! Y'all may not know this, but Apex twins' real name is Richard D. James. So when he goes on stage, he says, "It's Rick James Bitch!" Okay, that's my time, Tode! Wow! Tode, I thought that was going to be a rare Apex twin when you laughed at. I thought I was going to get you with it. It's Rick James Bitch, part. Wow. I got to tell you, Apex twin. I mean, let's just glance over the topics of this set. Yoko Ono, Fred Flintstone, Miss Cleo, and Rick James. Can anybody guess what fucking year we're in right now? William, what is going on with your writing process? Now you what's going on with my penis right now? That Bluetooth guy gave me one of those things that told me he was fucking candy, dude. I ate a whole one of those new ones, the Viagra with all that other shit in it, yeah. I took one of those earlier tonight. My thing feels pretty good right now, Tode! Yeah, that was a good one. Michael, that was a drum hit. Say that one more time. Your thing's feeling what? Tode, my thing's feeling pretty good right now! There you go. Not feeling good. Those drums can sober your little bone or up. I know, and also, Tode, before I answer your question, I was in San Diego this past weekend, and I was due doing it, and I was due doing it, and I get up, and I'm holding myself, and it falls out of my hands, and I think, oh my god, it's about to fall on all this shit, and I block it out of the way, and it ricochets off the side of the wall, and it goes right into my shit, Tode. It was horrible! And I had to go on stage 30 minutes before that. I mean, it was horrible. Okay, let's go one step at a time here. So, at the point in which you look down and your phone's in the shit, do you immediately grab it with your bare hand? Do you grab paper towels? What exactly is the William Montgomery approach? I immediately grab it with my right hand. There's literally shit on the phone. Wow, it was horrible. The 10-second rule kind of. Thank you, Red Band. I don't know why I looked at you. Yeah, I actually really agree with Red Band on that with Tony. I really agree with it. So, what after 10 seconds then, what would you do? Leave it for mozzarella sticks, not shit. Who better to have on the panel than the RU garbage guys that tries to find out if when what is garbagey about people? And here he is. Literally, I go with the Hall of Famer, the biggest tale. He's like, "Don't need me drop, we'll need you."
-It totally, I also came with my whole my shirt. -It's -- I also came with the whole my shirt. Rebi, and you just fucked that up, dude. -Yeah. -I was just talking to Tony. -Tell me, man. -How many wanted to -- -What do you do this idiot? Is it beginning of the show, idiot? -You do have a hole in your shirt. Many people are wondering exactly how much money would you have to make to not have a hole in your shirt. -Can I say that's a polo t-shirt that's been -- that's been weathered in with the hole in the shirt? That's fine. -Oh, you like it? -Yeah. -Which guys wear that shit all the time? -It's not -- -Carley also has holes in his shirt. That's what he's trying to say. -And they ain't polo. -But, Tony, no, I ended up getting my cell phone out of the shed. I ended up just washing my hands. I got a good lather up with the bar of soap I had in there and I just washed the cell phone with my soapy hands. -Let me ask you this. Was there any residue do, if you will, in the phone charger port or the sides? -I think it was in the bottom part because I immediately called my father to tell him what happened. And I've started to smell this shit. I'm like, "Oh, my God, it's still in the bottom part." -Wow. -How long Tony, my thanks feel like going to give, eh? -Oh, shit. -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. -Wow. -I'm kidding. -Oh. -Okay. -I mean, amazing. -Was it like, floaters or was it like a pile? -Thank you, Red Band. The question everybody wants to know. -Isn't there another sound effect? Go to like a different sound effect board. There you go. -All right. -That's just disgusting to ask a question. Was it a big pile of shit? -It was one of those ones that it looked solid, but if you just started around a little bit, it would put it around. We call that the old oval teen, you know what I meant? The oval teen shit. -The hot cocoa mix. -Yes, absolutely. -Was it with marshmallows or without? -It was with corn, with yellow beans, absolutely. -And red peppers. -Oh, red peps. -You didn't digest the red peps? -I did not. It's fajitas the night before. -Oh, my God. -You don't have red peppers? -I do not. It's going to be an anomaly redhead. If people do not, digest red peppers. -You had digest every other color, but aren't we? -You had San Diego fajitas the night before? -No. I just made something by oven. -You made fajitas in your own style. -Yes. -Can you take us through the process? Cooking with William Montgomery has never been a segment on this show. Can I get a little fajita music with a horn section over there? And here we go. The recipe is fajitas, and this is William Montgomery's recipe. -So you want to get three red peppers, three green peppers, three yellow peppers. You're going to want to cut those buddies up really nice and tight. You want to really chop those things up. You want to make sure they're clean before you start chopping them up. You want to run them through the water for at least 30 to 45 seconds. Once you got them really clean, you want to start chopping those bad boys up. Really thinly sliced. You want to get some chicken breast going on the side. You want to really cut those suckers up really small. I could imagine a Mexican restaurant really get those things going. And then you get some of the pepper or stuff. It's a really good pepper you put on there and some. -It's a lot of pepper. -And pepper. -And a lot of peppers already. -Oh, my gosh. And then you put them in the oven for 25 minutes and you get it out. They're sizzling. They're wonderful. You get the tortillas going on the eye of the stove. Maybe five minutes before they come out of the oven. -Hold on a second. -You said red peppers about nine times. You mentioned chicken, salt, pepper. There's no onions in this mix. -Yeah, there's some onions in there. -I didn't hear onions. -No, I didn't hear onions. -I forgot to mention the Bluetooth shit's messing with my brains. -Oh, my goodness. -Be careful driving on Bluetooth. Because it's really messing with my brain right now, Tony. -It only affects one of your heads. -Oh, there you go. -Dent silence. -Ladies and gentlemen. -Tony, I actually do want to get very serious here for one second. I swear to God, somebody has made, and I'm going to be honest. At the beginning, when all this shit happened with Ukraine and Russia, I'm thinking, okay, maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. I don't really give a shit. But maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine, whatever. Coming to find out, somebody made some website called williamagumretort.com. I was able to get my little IT person to help me figure out where it's coming from. I was coming from Ukraine, the fucking country of Ukraine. These people are ripping my fucking ass off. So if you get online and try to search for tickets for me, williamagumretort.com comes up. Do not get any ticses off of there because they're stealing your money. It's horrible, Tony. I'm involved in a cyberwarfare game right now, seriously. That's why I came with my fucking hole in my shirt, Tony. I've been having really hard time. -Go to the website real quick. -Williamagumretort.com. -Returned to play a sonar noise instead of looking up the website that we're talking about in real time. We needed that sonar noise because it is a cyber war and what better than a sonar noise? -It actually looks really efficient. -Oh, my God. It's literally better than your website. -Yeah, I don't have a website, so it looks like my website. -Oh, my God. You have to. -Wait for one of the ticket things. It's all fake links. I was thinking, "Oh, if it's a real ticket, link that's wonderful if it's to the actual comedy club, but it's not." -It goes to stubhubs. -Yeah, it actually seems to be actual tickets, williamagumretort.com. This person might be helping you. -Yeah, it's just these people are selling the tickets, the Ukrainians are selling this. All the Ukrainians are just looking for webs, "Oh, wait, no, hold on. Tickets are $178 to go see what the house of comedy in Bloomington. Are you doing that?" -My tickets are normally just $100, so that's how I do it. Fake. No, I'm kidding. That's insane, right? $170. I don't know. I'm sure nobody's obviously buying any of those tickets. -Really? -Because it's still scarce. -Here's a question. You have holes in your shirt. You are dropping your phone and shit. Have you thought about making your own website for the tickets that you sell every weekend? -That one worked, right, man. That was a funny one, dumbass. I need to Tony. I need to get somebody. I need to hire somebody to do it, and I haven't done anything for you. -It almost seems like anybody would do that for you. It almost seems like a fan online would easily do that for you, because it's so easy. -Last time I did that, I remember doing, there was a Kill Tony episode where I wore a beekeeper's outfit. It was on my YouTube. He thought I was trying to dress up like the Ku-Kuk's clan, and he deactivated my YouTube. I think it regards to working with a fan, Tony. I can't do that again. -I mean, I was throwing that out as an example. You could also hire somebody for $50 bucks to do it, too. -Why don't you hire the Ukraine guys? They shouldn't be pretty good. -Yeah. -I need to somehow get in contact with those people. -Let me ask you something, William, right now. How's that thing feeling? -It feels really good, Tony. -There he goes, William. Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun, and now to the bucket we go. Look at this guy. Already go on P. Just after one comedian, look at this fucking pussy with a small bladder right here. -Wow. -What a homo. -He made it nine minutes before having to urinate everybody. -My god. -I have to tinkle. -What a tiny, black, tiny, bladder, tiny, bladder. -Oh, yeah. That guy's going to have a rough time peeing right now. Luckily, he'll be sitting down, so all right. Your first bucket bowl of the night goes by the name of Hannah Jane, everybody. Here we go. You're gonna stand up. -Oh, sorry. People take one look at me, and they're not really sure what they're looking at. I actually get misgendered more often than any woman should, and that honestly doesn't bother me. It's usually by the same woman that works at 7/11, and she's trying her best, guys. It's like stepping on someone's toes, you know? I can't get mad at that. I'm not going to correct her, but if someone ever wanted to be polite and ask me what my pronouns are, I will slap you in the face to let you know I'm a bitch, and people are shocked when they find out that I date men. It's just not often, you know? I have one rule. They have to be more masculine than me. It's hard to find. I work in carpentry, and I think that's a big reason why I'm still single, because I work with wood all day. The last thing I want to do is go home and deal with poplar. And if you don't get it, poplar is an extremely soft wood. It better be Mahogany. Mahogany's black. Thank you. Hell yeah. Hannah Jane, welcome. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Very first time. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up for? A year, April 7th. I love it. We're out. Tampa. Tampa. Hell yeah. You do have an interesting energy about you. Are you the final boss on the video game, Lesbian? I do give off that energy, probably, from doing gay shit, but. Gay shit happens, all right? That's true. That's my bumper sticker on my car. Not a lot of people know that, but if you ever see a Corvette that says gay shit happens, that's me. I love it. You had a dad in your life that. I did. Very close to my dad. Yeah. I can tell. See, that's what I'm missing. I was raised by a single mom. That's why I'm a little bitch. And you are like, "What's up, this is what's up, and I'm just wearing my. I would think you had four or five dads in your life." This hit count my seven dads. Hell yeah. I can just picture your dad. You know how to fix cars, don't you? No. Oh, okay. Wow. What I had in my head. The blue shoes still activated here. Very interesting. What does your dad do for work? retired. He was a Navy pilot. Oh, nice. Fuck it. He's a real
man. Real man. He did he was he an Iraq or um he served 20 years so yes he did. Awesome. Awesome. And uh you do carpentry and do you have a girlfriend or something? No. No. I'm single. You're single. Very single. Is there a dating app for lesbians? Is there like scissor or something like that? No I'm not a lesbian. Oh you're really not. Oh okay. Cool. I tried it. Obviously. It's a tough fast woman. Yeah. I love it. Have you ever tried a lesbian experience? The gayest thing I did. I dated a woman for like two years. But that's also the fun fact. That's the straightest thing I've ever done. Yeah. I love it. So can you tell us how that ended? How did you learn from two years with a woman? Oh you suck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you live with the woman? I did. Yeah. Lesbians tend to that's a thing. I don't know if you guys know this. A stereotype of lesbians is moving very quickly. How long were you uh how long did you guys not live together before you live together if you just had to throw a ballpark out there? Oh maybe like six months. Okay. That's pretty long. That's a lifetime in the lesbian world. Yeah. Yeah. So now you're with man again. Are you sometimes tougher than the men that you're with? I've been on dates but no. I've been with men in a long time. I'll say that. Yeah. You guys try. I really do. Like I go out like this and you guys are. It is desperate times because why why you're hitting on me is crazy. I feel bad for y'all. Dude. Male loneliness epidemic is real. And I'm part of the problem. I love that. You're very funny. I love your deadpan. Very real delivery. You're self-deprecating while also well enunciated for someone from Tampa, Florida. I don't know. I don't know. You're talking about it. I think you look beautiful. Oh thank you. You got it. You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen. You guys shut up. Just an easy target. Anyway, Tampa. I love it. So tell us more about Johanna. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy and carpeting? No. I've been really getting into stand-up. I do like five mics a week in Tampa which is very difficult. No. Nobody really does anything anymore. I don't think. What kind of a kind of cardio ever pick up trucker? I drive a dodge. You do have a what? I drive a dodge. A dodge pick up truck. Yes. God damn it. I fucking nailed it. Look at that. Hit a button for me. I love it. Have you always had a pickup truck? No, this is my second truck. Superoo was the first one, right? No. It was a little Ford Explorer. That's what they call them. Tend to blow up. Tested the theory. They do. They blow up. Yeah. See most women don't know that. Yeah. Most women would drive the Ford Explorer then they're calling for help on the side of the road. She's like, I fucking knew this was going to happen. Yeah. These goddamn thing. No, they don't make them like they used to. No. What kind of guys do you usually get attracted to? Like big muscular guys or wippy finbots? All right. So if you approach me and ask me if I'm a lesbian, you know. I need someone. I need someone. I need someone that is so confident that they're like, I'm going to fuck that lesbian. I like that. Look at that. Give me some lesbian horns over there. I love it. That's amazing, Hannah. Amazing. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Do you live alone? No, I'm back home with my dad. Nice. What's the weirdest thing in your guys' fridge if you had to pick? Let me guess. An extraordinary amount of barbecue sauce. That might be the only condiment actually, but it's not a lot. It's just normal, white amount. Yeah, sweet baby race. Of course. Yeah, absolutely. Amazing, Hannah. Well, I love it. You're very, very fun. You're very, very different. You're your own thing. For only a year in your extraordinary, here's a big joke book. Thank you. The way to get the show started. Rocking that both slight t-shirt. I mean, this is a real woman right here. It's like a woman that'll fuck you and then beat the shit out of you before she leaves. That was awesome. Oh shit. Oh shit. Bluetooth activated. Colorfully Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out our podcast love on the line at Heidiregina.com. All right, this looks like a new name. Let's see a minute uninterrupted for the Mr. Ziegler. The Mr. Ziegler, everybody. Here we go. Good morning, Allison. How y'all doing tonight? So, I'm interested, pussy. Anybody out there? Giving up the stud pussy. I've had a, um, dream here recently. I want to do a threesome. And I was going to call it title it two studs and me. And we're going to quote it no homo. Yeah, I've been in the studs for a long time. Sturge, time boys. Oh, that good shit. It's pussy. It's pussy. I feel like as long as it don't look like me and it got titties. What out of dick? I'm pretty cool with it, you know. All right. So, uh, how y'all doing tonight? All right. Oh, there's the funny looking staff. Get up for the funny looking staff, everybody. I think that's all I got. That's my time, right? Okay, 40 seconds from the Mr. Ziegler, everyone. Funny looking staff. I love that you think we're random staff members just sitting on stage with you in this cell. I want to know where he, what he thinks he just walked into. He's just a black dude who was on six. He's like, gee, I like pussy. What's good? Yeah. Who the fuck are you wearing, motherfuckers? I mean, just in this place. I like this pussy, that pussy, Tom Boa, fucking pussy. Long as it's a pussy. It's awesome. You, you are fucking awesome, dude. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. In the male division, the best set of the night so far. Thanks. Uh, so let's talk about it. The Mr. Ziegler. Am I saying that right? That's pretty white. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty white. Yeah. Pretty white. Right. German. White. Right. Oh, your name is. Yep. Got it. That's it. How long you been doing stand-up comedy, Mr. Zieg? About 15. 15 years. We're at here in Austin, Houston. All over Texas. I've been in New York and that's about it. Nice. Bad, baby, mom. Years and you just only did 40 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I've been out the same for a second. Okay. They just got back actually today. Just got back in. Okay. Oh, yeah. I have, I have 49 questions right now. Come on. Give it up. So you've been doing it 15 years. What made you take a break? Bad, baby, mom and choices. Okay. Let's talk about it. Tell us about that. Don't do it. Okay. Can you get a little more injured? She looks too young for me. How old was she? It's about nine years younger than me. Okay. I'm glad you said more after the number nine. She was about nine years younger than you. And this dude does love pussy. That's great. I'm like, geez. Ever since the Epstein list came out, being a pedophile is a new fad. Yeah, but no. I was having bad baby, mom and shit. My dick wasn't fitting in this bitch. Oh, man. Nine-year-old ass, whiny ass, bitch ass, crying baby ass, pussy. This little girl pussy. It's fucking crazy as shit, man. You should have seen my dick next to this little nine-year-old. Your name must be on there. What? On the Epstein files, his name's got to be on there. How this young pussy you talking about? No, I'm kidding. I'm going off of your thing, Mr. Z. I said, time boy pussy. And he's talking about young pussy. Well, I mean. No, well, I mean. Did you happen to see the girl that was on before? The stud? Yeah. I just seen her prom walk a girl. I think I didn't see that. Shit. He's like, I'll let you put you in that much. Shit. I saw that fucking pussy. The man ain't nothing like going out playing basketball with a stud and then going back and putting your balls in it. Deep. Oh my god. Oh, you are the man, Mr. Ziegler. Welcome to the Killtony universe. You found your home. This is where you belong. So what did this bad baby and I'm going to do exactly that made you take a break from stand-up comedy? She went crazy on me. But how? You got to need better answers. I went deep, balls deep. And, you know, my grandfather always told me don't put the whole thing in and I did. I stirred it deep. Wow. Yeah, it's like I fucked up the b-hobness. Can't give them the whole thing. The whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. God to give them just a little bit, fellas. There you go. Just a little bit. So Red Band, you give them the whole thing. No. I love it. This is incredible. So can I understand that he's been having sex the whole time he's been away? Uh-huh. You've been having a lot of sex. No, I mean sex all the time. Yeah. No. No? I'm scared. What do you scared of? What scares you, Mr. Ziegler? These new bitches. I want a time boy bitch. I want a stud bitch.
-You need a real tough woman. -That's right. -Grab that woman, my goodness. -I know where she going. Don't worry about it. -You know her? I mean, this is kind of what she said she's into. -I mean-- -She literally wants a guy. -Yeah, she's probably the problem. I'm just gonna fix her problem. -Oh, my God. -Yeah. -Someone's getting their Dodge truck stolen from them tonight. -That's what's happening, man. -I actually have a Dodge truck, so we got something in common. -You got a Dodge too? -She has a Dodge, so we're Dodgein'. -Oh, my God. I love it. -If you can't Dodge and ram 'em. -Holy shit. -Mr. Ziegler, how old are you? -47. -47, you don't look a day over 63. That's-- that's absolutely amazing. You've had a lot of baby mama bitch problems. You've been puttin' the whole thing in way too long. You're stressed out. -Like a motherfucker. -You look like your own daddy. -Man, I didn't have no-- [ Laughter ] -As my grandfather, I used to tell myself, "Don't put my whole dick in a bitch." -I'm doing it. I'm doing it. -Yeah, black dust crack. [ Laughter ] -And white shits. -Mr. Ziegler, what have you been doing for work this whole time? How do you make money, other than-- -I'm a barber. -Oh, nice. -Yeah. -Okay, just-- -And I come cook, too. Grab my own business. -You what? -A cook. -Oh, what do you cook? -Pussy. -Okay, I should've known that. And let me guess, you're a barber just for women's pubes. [ Laughter ] -No. -No, you don't cut near that. -No, no, no, no. I don't like that. -Hell now. -No, I don't like hair down there. That's all I don't-- -Right. -They can deal with that. Nair it off, ladies. -Absolutely. Nair. Nair. -I'm not that type of barber. -Hell, yeah. Wow. Incredible. So, do you exclusively only cut black people's hair? -I cut it all. -You cut-- Oh, you pointed it, Kevin Ryan. He's feeling he's taking a shot at my hair. -Oh, man, let it go. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Damn, he's the coolest fucking me mother fucker I've ever met. I was saying, "I'm like, "You know what? I should let it go." -This could be the night. I mean, we were all there for that episode of Kill Tony, where Mr. Seagler cut Kevin Ryan. [ Laughter ] I think we do have trimmers back there, don't we? -Get the fuck out of there. -Oh, the crowd goes off. [ Laughter ] I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh, the lighting guy wants it to happen. -Shame my pubes for sure. -No. I ain't going near that motherfucking shit bitch. [ Laughter ] -Mr. Seagler, give us another fun fact about your life. You seem like you have a wealth of experience at a great many things. Like, the craziest sex you've ever had, 'cause I know you be loving that pussy. So, I gotta know, is there, like, a random crazy night and an unbelievable time that you had an adventure in which-- -There was a threesome with my baby mama, the young one. The crazy one. -Yeah, nine years younger than you. -Yeah, and another one that was nine years younger than you. -Oh, same age. -Yeah. I left him in the room and he was arguing, so I just -- I came back and y'all done. No, that's all I left for getting. When I came back, they was entangled. -They was entangled. -Yeah, so I like fucking. -Yep. Gotta throw it all the way in there. -Break it in. -Break it up, ladies. -That was right. -Okay, let me ask you this. What -- do you happen to remember what they were arguing about? -Me. -Do you remember exactly what about you? They were arguing. -I went all the way in. -Oh, my God. -Yeah. -Oh, my God. -This is one of the craziest interviews. You know, you can't get this at the tonight show. I never was Jay Leno sitting there going, "Hey, Jay, we been nine years younger than you." "I haven't gone one year with the pussy in his beach." -Deep. -You're never going to see Jimmy Fallon dancing along, too. [ Laughter ] -All right. Mr. Ziegler, you only did 40 seconds, so I have no choice but to give you a medium, very black joke book, because that is just the work you did tonight, my friend. I love it. Mr. Ziegler is entered the Killton Universe. Two brand new comedians to start the bucket. Did that guy with a small bladder ever go back to his seat? -Oh, there he is. -How are you doing? You good? There you go. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Riley Galvin. Everybody, Riley Galvin. Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ] Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog and the fight. It's about the size of the fight and the dog. Clearly, has never gambled on dog fighting. [ Laughter ] Always bet on the bigger dog. Vitriloquist. Vitriloquist. Sounds like such a fancier job title than what it is. It sounds like they all got together and decided on a vitriloquist, because they were too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist cabbage-patched dolls professionally. [ Laughter ] Do you guys think vitriloquists are just necrophiliacs with low self-esteem? [ Laughter ] Like they want to mess around with lifeless things, but don't have the confidence, you know? Like, is Jeffrey Dahmer just Jeff Dunham with Stageright? [ Laughter ] The basketball fan. I like the Utah jazz. Utah Jazz is funny, though. It sounds like a bunch of racist Mormons got together to, like, for some diversity. No. I think I got together. I was like, "Are we need more black people in the state? What do they like?" And the one went, "Basketball in jazz." [ Laughter ] That's my time. Thank you. Fuck yes. Riley Galvin. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you. I love it. Riley, how long do you have before you have to get back to the vape store? [ Laughter ] I got a shift in 30 minutes. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Little under a year. Little over a year. We're at Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville, Tennessee. Very good. Let me ask you a question, because I listened to that set. And I noticed the pronunciation of one of the words I found curious. What do you call a person that has sex with dead people? Necrofiliac? Okay, the C. That third letter is important. What I heard, and I'd be interested to hear a replay, it's a shame we don't have instant replay on this episode. It sounded like a hard G to me. Oh. And if you say Necrofiliac with a G, my friend, John D's, that turns into, can you say it? Okay. John's just looking at me. Sometimes he likes to put me on the spot there. I mean, we could say it. I don't. It's not the N word, but it's very close. A little too close. And I would have loved it if you repeated it and you just said, "Oh, it's with a C. I didn't know. I thought it was with a G." But instead, here we are. Here we are. But now, that's the sound of hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube rewinding to see. If you said it with a G, and I'll bet you anything, it's my like, the replaying it again and again, because I'm pretty sure it was a G. But you're going through a lot. There's a lot of pressure. Yeah, it's a big show. Huge. Absolutely huge. What do you do for work, Riley? I'm in school full-time. What do you do for work at Little Seasers? At Little Seasers. Yeah. Oh my God. Redban, can you believe it? This is a big deal for you. Okay, you're awesome, man. Thank you. Wow. He's star-struck. How long have you worked at Little Seasers? Like, six months? Okay. Can you tell us a little bit about the perks? A lot of free pizza. Fuck yeah. That's exactly what I thought you were going to say. Redban's heart is a rock right now. And he's the only one that didn't try the Bluetooth. I love it, Riley. So, what are you going to school for? And where are you going to school? I go to Tennessee Knoxville, U.T.K. and journalism major. Okay, what made you pick journalism? A dying art form? Yeah. Well, I was business and hated it, so I wanted to be gay and write, I guess. Yeah. Do you have any big plans? Do you have any big goals with the journalism thing? No, I should probably have some. But, how old are you? I'm 21 years old. 21? Wow. What are the 21-year-olds up to nowadays? What are you guys doing for fun? A lot of ketamine. And tell the people that might not know that are out there in the audience for watching the show. How would you explain ketamine exactly? What goes over in you? What happens in your brain? You know how horses are pretty crazy? The ketamine calms them down, so it's-- I've actually never done ketamine. So, okay. You're working at a little season, so you've done-- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you had me convinced. So, what do you, as a 21-year-old, doing for fun out there? Like, going to the movies? Wow. I'm a poor guy, I don't know. You're poor? Boring, and poor. Okay. All right, other than the movies, let's dig deep here. You're going to college. You're out there on campus. There must be something else fun that you do. You have any hobbies or anything like that? You play the ukulele or anything, perhaps? Play a little guitar. You do? You're just going off of what I said. Is this a funny suggestion? No, no, I wasn't that funny. It's true. I just started. Just started guitar. I like stopping at the-- there's like little sorority tables along like the main walkway a lot of time, and they pay you to pie them. And that's why I'm poor. Cream pie. No, no, no, I wish red band, I wish. Yeah. I like that you call them red band. That is the right time to call them red band. We wish red band. What does that mean pie them? Like, you like Venmo, like, one of the horse $3 to whip cream and throw it in their face? Oh, okay. Wow. Red band pays people to throw pies at his face.
This is very exciting, all the different things. Guys, what do you think about Ryleigh, the RU garbage guys? - I have, I won't question. The hair is just a look that you wear with the hat all the time, where's the hat just on? - No, I asked the guy backstage front or back, and he said back, and I guess he fucked me, I don't know. - No, it's not that, do you always wear the hair down and wear the hat like that? - No, sometimes I do this, the hair's long right now, but I guess usually. - The hair is eating your head alive. - Can I ask you, would you be interested in a black barber that we know? (laughing) - Mr. Zeagler, not only will he cut your hair, but I'm pretty sure he'll fuck the living shit out of you. (audience laughing) You are the type of tomboy I believe he's looking for. (audience laughing) - How the fuck you expect to get pussy with a haircut like that? - Sheesh, sheesh. - I'll put it all the way in, show you what's up. - I fuck him so hard on his ass, he got a pussy now. He grew a fucking pussy, this motherfucker. I made himself generate a pussy. - Yeah, I'll tell you what, there's ain't no little Caesar. (laughing) - Yeah, but they get the double, double bitch, the 12-inch with motherfucking pepperoni. - That was our barber we were talking about having sex with you. - Yeah. - That's what it looks for you now. - I'm gonna give you the best 40 seconds of your life, you motherfucking white bitch. (laughing) - All right, seems like a good kid, seems like a short kid, young kid. - Yeah, thank you. - What made you come to Austin, Texas? I just came down just to hit some open mics, just to get on stage. Knoxville, smaller sand, a lot more opportunity here, just to stage time. - Well, you've been doing it one year, you're 21 years old, you're fucking chasing your dreams. Good for you, most people go their whole lives, not doing something like this, and I mean, Mr. Ziegler takes a break every time, he gets into an argument with a girl, so congratulations. The set was okay, so here's a medium jokebook. You take that back to Knoxville. Thoroughly did a college girl's face or something, or three bucks. All right, you guys having fun out there, you get it? Hell yeah, anything gonna happen, ladies and gentlemen. Now we know this young lady, former Black Hawk helicopter pilot was a man, and now is the woman. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Ellis, everybody. (upbeat music) Thank you. My name is Joe, and because we're in Texas, I'm legally required to tell you all that I am trans. Don't worry, they took my guns at the door. Yeah, you're safe for now. I go by Joe, J-O. I used to go by Joe, J-O-E, but like most things with transition, and you just cut off the parts you don't like, yeah. Speaking of guns, I actually do love guns. You know us trannies are always packing something, and it's hard to conceal, carry a glock when you're hiding a cock. Yeah, I don't have my guns so much. I really only came out of the closet to make room for more guns. And because I'm on hormones, people ask me and they say, is it safe for you to be around so many guns? And the hormones make me emotional sometimes, like a woman on her period. But not unstable. Like not so unstable, I'd shoot up a Catholic school. Oh, a little dark for the mothership. I asked a priest about that joke, and he said, finish blowing me first. He didn't say that I transitioned. I'm not a boy anymore. My name's Joe, thank you. Joe Ellis, everybody. The second most masculine female we've had on stage tonight in a stunning turn of events. How you doing? Doing great, how are you? Fantastic. How long have you been on standup now, Joe Ellis? Since June of last year. June of last year. Not even a year yet. I love it, amazing. There was parts where it felt like a poem that would be, you rhymed, glock, and cock. I figured you'd like the cock part. Oh, look at you, very funny. It's always weird when a chick with a dick is trying to make fun of you for being gay. It's incredible. It boggles my mind sometimes, the shots that people take. It's like the halftime shot at like an NBA game where they're like, all right, the pizza delivery, guys, we're going to shoot for $10,000, everybody. Just goes in the stands or whatever. Anyway. All right, Joe Ellis, tell us what's new in life? What's going on? So much, Tony. This show has changed my life. Yeah, tell us more. So Slate did an article about my appearance here last year, and it was covered in the UK Observer. I got to open for Ian Lara at Parks Casino, so I did 10 minutes for a national headliner. So much has happened. The list is endless. It's just so many great things. I just want to thank you for the opportunity. Absolutely. You've given trans comics more opportunities than I think anyone else. That's true. That is true. Be sure to remember that next time I get canceled. I have a special coming out soon. And they're going to be coming after me. So I'm going to need you on the front line of defense there. I'll stand in front and protect you. They are going to come after me. You heard it right here. It's happening soon, a couple of few months away. Guys, you guys live in New York City. You have people like this all over the streets. Tell us, are you garbage, guys? What do you think about this 7-foot-5 trans lady? Yeah, you have a very captivating presence. I mean, huge jugs that I can't take my eyes off of. We're being honest. I'm married to a lady, and next. Yeah, I concur with my partner. I mean, let's do it. Fucking hot. I have no partner. Last time you've been on here, a little bit more luscious, if you know what I mean, a little more-- Yeah. Red bands. I've been getting a lot more black guys in my DMs, too. I think that means I'm gaining weight. Mr. Ziggler's head just exploded in the back. What the fuck? Hey, Tom Boy. I found my dream, Tom Boy. I'm going to take this bitch. I'm going to eat her-- what the fuck is that? What the fuck is-- all right. But don't put the whole thing in now. Pretty pleased. Like, I'll play along. But bitch, I'm going to fall in love with show where as he put the whole mother of a gun. All right. Well, I have been working out to try to lose some weight, because it's important for trans women to stay fit, because you have to keep stealing the trophies. I'm going to have to rewind that part one. Amazing. So Joe, who have you been hooking up? What is your type of a person? Well, I've dated a lot of men in Austin. And most recently, I started dating a lovely woman here. OK. Really? Really? So yeah, I'm with you on that. Yeah. We almost jinxed on release there. Yeah, you could call it pansexual. I call it, I take any sexual. Right, but what is she call it? Like, what happened to her, you think? What type of trauma happened to her? Where she's like, I need a dick, not a dildo. But I want the delivery of a woman, but the thrust of a man. Like, what exactly-- what exactly has to molest you for you to bust and not with you? Maybe it was a trans person. Maybe, maybe. It's my favorite category of porn, though. I try and woman-- fucking a regular woman-- it's way better than looking at a guy dick, you know? This is true. You get to see two sets of tits. Exactly. It's true. Bonus tits. She says I'm the best of both worlds, though. Amazing. Amazing. I can still open jars. You know, I'm emotionally available. Amazing. Amazing. I think this is going to last all the way until the inevitable murder suicide that takes place. Now, Joe Ellis has the best sense of humor. And, you know, you've talked about me giving opportunities. But it's amazing. I think you're doing a lot for the trans community by getting roasted, trying to fire back. It's like amazing to see your real fucking Texas tranny, so-- I just moved here. Congratulations. I love it. Amazing. Amazing. Thank you so much. Fantastic. I got to tell you, I have gotten word. I don't even know if it's real. There goes Joe Ellis, every one more time for Joe. I can't believe the news that I've gotten. I'm really hoping that this is true. This entire show is improvised. And, obviously, all my friends and amazing-- the best comedians in the world know that they can always pop in, pop out, goof around, this and that, anytime. And I've gotten a word that one of our friends that has been on a global vacation for what I believe in my head is six months or something like that, traveling the fucking world is here. He is one of the great comedians in the show's history, one of the great disruptors, one of the real troublemakers. Ladies and gentlemen, if it's real-- and I hope it is, I hope it's not a prank-- make some fucking noise for Ari Shaffir, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Ari Shaffir. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] Wow, it's that thing. It's the microphone. I know it's been a while.
I haven't seen this many people since Uruguay. Hey, how's everybody doing? This is a very odd for me. Thanks. I haven't been around stand-up or anything for about eight months. A little bit nervous. I was traveling through Latin America. I guess I'll tell you an observation. I had in Latin America. I learned a lot. The hardest thing about fucking a street dog is gaining its trust. It's sure anyone could fuck a street dog, but how many people could get it to come back again tomorrow? I went through a lot of South America, you guys, a lot of those countries fucking hate us. I'll be honest with you. And it was difficult to break the news to them that most of us don't know where they are in a map. The gentleman I was in Uruguay and people like, "Tole Americans, we don't want them here." No one knows that you guys are not part of Scandinavia, to be honest. I went all over that land. And I skipped out of respect for Tony Puerto Rico, but I don't know what else I went. Thank you guys. Very good to be back, everybody. Are you fucking Shopeeers back in America? What a fucking amazing surprise this is. Holy shit. You're all the last people I saw before I left. Yeah. This is fucking awesome. Welcome back. Thanks. I love that you didn't warn any of us. I love that you didn't tell us. You're always full of fucking surprises. Your dick is in your pants. This is incredible. Yeah. You're a changed man. No, actually, I was watching with him before I tried to tuck it, but it wouldn't stay. I was a come out with a talk, too. Just wouldn't stay. And I apologize. You do a podcast all about traveling and going around the world. And so, I mean, where did you go? Can you name some of the places? Yeah. I mean, started in Mexico, one South, through El Salvador, Guatemala, I don't know. Were you driving? Did you rent a car? What else is? Like, you know, hanging out with poor people. I'll tell you one thing I observed that's different now that I noticed I'm back in Austin. At least the homeless people in those countries have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging. Yeah. I saw a dude out there asleep on his stomach. Not a leisurely way to be a problem for the world. There's, I mean, I guess it's good for your back, but there is no give on the concrete. He's incredible. There is a part of six street where if you're walking from this side of six street west, there's a part where there's a ventilation system that kicks up hot air and multiple people lie down next to each other on this one spot. It's very, very, on top of a grate. And there's people just flying by on birds, scooters, and shit, almost hitting them strong. It's incredible to see. Can I try to jump them on those birds? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's big points. It's the, Austin, the video game, you get big points by jumping homeless people on a birds scooter. Blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu, blu. Multiple. Amazing. So that's incredible. And fucking, now you're back. What made you come back now? I missed you, Tony. Yeah. Yeah. We were really afraid. No, what made me come back is I have a new storytelling show that's coming out. Maybe you were familiar with my old one. Yes. You can't legally say the name, but you can. Oh, right. This is not happening. Oh, yeah. I'm familiar with it. Yeah. Anyways, coming back and guess who's on it? Skip. Skip. Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm on it. It is true. He's on an episode with Big J. Oakerson, Alisa Deacon, Steph Tola, I've called four stories about trying to come. And it's available right now. Where's it available at? MymitchStudials.com. I love it. Direct to the people. Fuck YouTube. Fuck Netflix. That's right. OK. I mean, we like YouTube and Netflix. Oh, I apologize. Not for this show. Sorry. Take that out. Just a reminder. We like YouTube and Netflix. We're going to bleep that. Fuck HBO. Fuck Showtime. Fuck Showtime. The movie channel. Yeah. Well, this is so exciting. You're going to hang out. Yeah, I heard those free drinks. I'll fucking hang it. There's free drinks. There are free drinks for you. It's a toilet upstairs. I can flush toilet paper in and brush my teeth with sink water. I'm fucking in. I love it. Let's fucking party. It makes sense. It makes sense. For the great Artie Shipier ladies and gentlemen. Yay! What an unbelievable treat. One of the best comedians in the world. His specials are on Netflix. Let's have some drinks. Yeah. Let's get another chair up here. And the great Artie Shipier is going to join us for the night. Fuck yeah. Oh yeah. And Artie is going to do the squeeze, baby. Come on, slide down. You can bring that all the way. Perfect. Keep sliding. Keep sliding. Do not make it slide. It's queer good. Don't give me that fucking shit. I lost 70 pounds that you've been going to your fucking scumbag. Not to mention, he pulls the skips, skips, shit. This motherfucker called me two days ago begging me to find him a place to live. The lovely Heidi. I'll tell you now that I'm close to it. I know there's a homeless guy sleeping on his belly. But I'm thinking about sleeping on this belly tonight. Look at this fucking temper Pita right here. Hate sleep. You got a lot of balls, Shaffer. I love it. I love it. I love it. This is one more time for Artie Shipier ladies and gentlemen. Joining the party. Only here on Keltony can something so spontaneous and fun happen on a random Monday. We're going to watch a bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Chad Smith. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Smith. Thanks for Chad, everybody. What's going on here, guys? I'm Chad. I am from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I am here on my birthday. If you guys don't know where Oshkosh is, that's where Chicago sends all their prisoners. That's right. The thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom and seeing that doctor visiting that back cave every year, right? Some of the guys know about that, right? Here's some fun facts about me, right? I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up. My uncle gave me a playboy and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby. That one takes a little bit to sink in. Speaking of Bill, did he still do stand up in prison or was he the chocolate put in? That's right. Fun fact about me is I work insurance. There we go. Chad Smith. Welcome, Chad. You're first time on the show. First time on the show. Awesome. When you say that one takes a little bit to sink in, when exactly can we expect that to happen? Is there a week or a month coming up where two or three business days? Yeah. We're just going to be out there living our lives and all of a sudden. Oh, pudding. It was pudding because it was pudding. It was pudding. Okay, Chad, how long have you been doing stand up? I'm doing stand up. This is two and a half years. Two and a half years. All of it in Noshkosh. Mix your between bark entertainment, which is skyline comedy cafe. And then. Bark entertainment. What? So all the way across to Wisconsin. So everywhere from walkie up until Greenback. Got it. Got it. I hate this guy. He has all duty cop vibes for sure. I don't know why. I just don't like. Let me see a license. Just prick. Gosh, gosh. There's nothing much up there. It's just it's planes. Don't you have the accent? When you're from the Midwest, you get a mix of Minnesota. So I do say about a lot. And then in the airport, you guys laugh at me because I say bag instead of bag. Some reason I doubt that. I don't think anyone's ever laughed at you. He's too casually. I don't like this guy. He's up to something. It takes a little bit to sink in. Don't count him out yet. He may be the funniest person in this show's history. We just don't know because it's on a delayed release. I'm going to get home and I'm like, ah. We all just died tonight. He killed. I feel like we're all.
He's high in a car, he just pulled us over. (laughing) - Are you a boy? - You guys, yeah. - You guys been drinking tonight? (laughing) - Wait, you get tough guys. (laughing) - No pat down for me. - Who? (laughing) - Well, say that joke again. - Yeah, do it one more time. The one that takes wildest thinking. - All right, so it's spelt out this way, so I never learned the birds and the bees. My uncle gave me a playboy, and I learned how to come backwards from Bill Cosby. - Learn how to count backwards. (laughing) - I don't get it. Does everybody get it? - Your uncle drug you and rape you. (laughing) - That's the joke. - Right? - What? - Is that the joke? - No, it takes a little bit. Bill always comes backwards when he gave the date rape joke. - I know, but-- - So did he rape you? - Yeah. - So you're saying Bill Cosby raped you? - No. - Oh. - That's what your uncle did. - No. - Birds and bees gave me a playboy. - Who did? - Your uncle gave me the playboy, and separately from that. - Separate joke. - That Bill Cosby talked you to come. - Yes, yes. - Ah. - What? - But it still seems like Cosby's raping you in this joke, no? - No. - Wait, so you weren't raped by your uncle? - No. - Or Bill Cosby. - Damn it. - Have you ever even met Bill Cosby, dude? - No, I've never seen a playboy. - Yo, yeah. - Boy, how did Bill Cosby teach you how to count backwards, then? - Well, when you're almost 40 years old, you see him on TV every week, growing up. - And does he count backwards on TV? - Yeah, was there an episode? - So you sensors like that? It doesn't make sense, but you say it so confidently. I don't like this fucking guy, and he's fucking up to something, then. Are you watching at the same time there's something fucking going on here? I don't know if you're with this dude or what, man. - Sorry, bro, he's a travel agent with us. (audience laughing) Sorry, he's big bit. He's like, dude, just go out and be the most unfunny dude in the world. - It's gonna kill. - Now, who wants two tickets to Paraguay? - Show me up. - Two tickets to Paraguay, I've got-- - Can I give this guy a compliment? - Yes. - Is that me, how happened? He was like, and then I also-- - All right, I'm done. - Yeah. - Yeah. Luckily, that's how I felt when I heard the meow, too. - I don't want him to finish the bit of him being honest with me. - Yeah, go ahead, do that bit that got caught off. This might be, he may have saved all of his power for the closing bit. - This might be, this might, this might, this might redeem you. - This guy's coming in with a bedazzled shirt. He's very excited. This guy literally has plastic on his shirt. - Oh, gosh, yeah. This is a fresh bit, and I'm not gonna say who I work for, but let's say I do insurance during the week. And the joke was, I called the client up during the day and she said I was too early. She still had her CPAP machine on. - Too early. - As a CPAP wearer, I'm offended. (audience laughing) - Guessing that one's gonna take a little bit to-- - It's a fresh one, too. - It's a while, it's a while. - Sink it. - It's a fresh one. - You didn't get to get to a fresh one. - It's a while. - I'm kinda wanting to get Ray Pike and Bill Cosby, no? - Yeah. (audience laughing) - So when you say that you learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby, are you saying that, like it's just made up? It's just a joke. There's no episode. There's nothing. - Ray is part of the "Burs and the Bees." - It's part of the "Burs and the Bees." All right, so when we write jokes at our club, we want to make sure it relates to people like my age. - That grew up, it's a while, it's Cosby. - Who's we? - And why are you explaining joke writing to us? - Yeah, who's the, who's the we? Hey, jerk calls, when we're writing jokes, that you guys clearly don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Let me explain it to you, 'cause I'm an insurance sales. - Well, yeah. (audience laughing) - Hey, guys, zip it. - Well, he's on a different level than us, dude. This is Wisconsin, you know, there's these Austin, New York, LA arguments, but we are missing the boat here. Little did we know that the real thunder and lightning is the delayed release that's been, that has been conjured up in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. (audience laughing) It is incredible to Park Club, what's it called again? - Park Entertainment. - Skyline Comedy Club, there we go. - Oh hell yeah. - Skyline Comedy Club, Park Entertainment. - Hell yeah. - Okay, well Chad, can you give us one interesting fun fact about your life before I get y'all out of here? - All right, cool, so I turned 40 on Wednesday. - Okay, we know about that. You mentioned that, the first thing that you actually mentioned was that it was your birthday, and now we're finding out that you lied, and that it was actually five days ago, which is, I mean. - Two more days. - Oh, you turn it on Wednesday. - This one. - Wow. - Oh, okay. - Well, all right, so it's something you guys do not know. I'm an ultra runner, so I run 50Ks and above. - Oh, no, I really hate 'em. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - No, fuck yourself. (audience laughing) - He's on a roll over there. He's like, bring back the little scissors guy. (audience laughing) - Let's get some pizza and get some pussy up here. (audience laughing) - This guy's so, dickhead, dickhead. - Chad, you did your best, man. You did the best, best Josh Cosh set. We're waiting for the release. We're waiting for it to sink in. Thank you so much. There goes Chad Smith, everybody. You know, on an episode in which my goodness, I mean, Heidi is just a machine. Keeping everyone hydrated, unbelievable. There she goes, perfect. All right, on an episode in which we've engraved this with the return of, oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny football. Johnny Manzell, ladies and gentlemen, what's up? (audience cheering) - Man, what a pleasure. This has been a long time coming. (audience cheering) - Thank you. (audience cheering) I don't know about you guys, but I like the guy from Oshkosh. (audience cheering) You've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about friendship. Me and you have a good relationship. I run into the boys every show I come to. I have good vibes. I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20th, 30th time. You forget about some of your boys, you know? You've taught me about loyalty, all this. And I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with yesterday with you, like we do on occasion. Smoke a couple of sigs, hang out, you know? Meet the boys. How do you leave? Polly, mother fucking sure. Oh my God, oh, me, my God. (audience cheering) Oh my God, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Let's mix it up a little bit. - Johnny Manzell is bringing out of Polly Shore ladies and gentlemen. (audience cheering) No, I didn't want to do it, dude. I just wanted to fucking watch the show, dude. I didn't want you to bring me into this shit. - Sometimes duty calls, my friend, duty calls. - Jury duty calls. (audience laughing) Make some noise for the legend, Polly Shore, everybody. (audience cheering) This is like the Royal Rumble Piltony episode. - It's just, it's just, I've been, I've been texting you. - I haven't been on here since about three months to go with Rosanne. - Yeah. - You know, Ari, welcome back. Nice to see you, my friend. Look, I am good, young tough, good, young tough to you. The Israelis are bombing, I ran. I'm sure you're happy about that. (audience laughing) Fucking cops, sucker. (audience laughing) I'm surprised he didn't go, (audience laughing) - If Israel really wanted to bomb my ran, they would shoot a Chad Smitha, let them right now this. - Oh my, I'm turning 40 in a few days. I don't know how I got here. (audience laughing) - So did you change your number? - No. - Because why aren't you fucking texting me back? (audience laughing) - Number for real. - You're worse than fucking Bobby Lee, dude. - Wow, I love how he never takes us back. - I love how you thought he must have changed his number. (audience laughing) - But no, it's not cool, how long have I known Tony for? For a long time and yeah, a long time. Give it up for Tony. - That's a beautiful man. - Beautiful, beautiful man. And I just, I don't know what happened, dude. You know what I mean? Why do I sit back during New Year's Eve and you tell him, my fucking, I'm not just fucking, I might jump on this motherfucker, dude. You fucking tell him. - When you move to Austin and you get this cool and your network expands, he starts getting a big head. You go to Netflix, we're selling out Madison Square Garden. - We're doing all that, it gets to your head. It's like, who do I prioritize the most? - Who does he put on the fucking New Year's Eve? - You're at the bottom of the total poll right now, my friends, what it's looking like. I think you need to stand up for yourself. - Well, you say it, 'cause you said it and that once it made me fucking come down here. - Tony, give him more shit, you better find out. - Chinese, listen to me. You had fucking Kara top and Rob Schneider. (audience laughing) As the fucking polls, as your fucking golden ticket. - They worked the co-guests of the year. Yeah, they were the, both the guests of the year. They weren't in fucking bio, don't bro.
-They weren't in a fucking goofy movie, bro. [ Cheers and applause ] -They weren't mini-tower motherfucking cheese suck. [ Cheers and applause ] -No one gets a fuck about those guys. Stop fucking kissing the ass. -That's that, that's that. [ Laughter ] -Poly fucking shore ladies and gentlemen. -Malessing age fully of the R.U. garbage podcast. -What is it, dude? -It's incredible. -Poly, take it easy on him. Take it easy. -That's just for men confident. -Get out of here. [ Laughter ] -Am I in southern Latune now? [ Laughter ] -No, Red Band had a good -- I just dyed my hair brown. It used to be -- [ Laughter ] Dude, I'm lucky I'm alive. Let's give me a fucking break, okay? [ Cheers and applause ] They said I'm not Mickey Rork. What the fuck? I could pay my rent, okay? Also, I dyed it because, you know, it was getting like this. You should do a toolkit. You're just for men at Walgreens, bro. [ Laughter ] -You'll get me to hook up at Walgreens? -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I get you hook up at Walgreens if you want. -But it'll grow back out great. It'll be good again. Then we can go -- [ Cheers and applause ] -Again, anyways. -All right. -I'm just kidding. It's cool we can have those guys on. But I'd like to be on your next Netflix show so I can do Richard Simmons movie. Please. Well, I mean, we are doing a -- we are doing a Killtony WrestleMania crossover episode for Netflix in Las Vegas. It airs on April 20th for 20th. [ Cheers and applause ] How about -- you want to do a spot there? -If you will, if you will, have me. That'll be fantastic. Can my friend Johnny come? -Yeah, Johnny can come. [ Cheers and applause ] -I fucking love it. I don't know what that third ingredient in the "Blue Choo" gold is, but it's bumping right now because I'm pretty sure Johnny football and Paulie Short just walked out of my show. This is fucking incredible. I'm tripping my balls off. -No, I love Kara top. I love Rob. We're just having fun. We're having a good time. You know, fuck it, right? -Absolutely. -That's what I do, dude. I dust off the old Dusty's Chinese. -Chinese. -I like the garbage, guys. These guys are awesome, too. -Thank you so much. -Thank you. -Thank you. -Thank you. -Yeah. I don't know if I call them that. They're not Puerto Rican. It's the "Are You Garbage, Guys." -Are you Garbage, Guys? Thank you, Holmes. -How about a hand for the great Paulie Short and the great -- -Johnny Manzel! [ Cheers and applause ] -I had no idea they were coming out tonight. How exciting is this? Oh, man. I'm gonna get black out drunk tonight. Anytime Manzels around, we fucking -- She shots at tequila and rolled dice all night. -Oh, dude. He's the best. -The funniest thing was watching the 23-year-old girl when you said Johnny football, and she's like, "I don't -- I don't know what the purpose is." And then I didn't think that look of baffling could get topped, but then when you brought out a 98-year-old Paulie Short. -This is like fucking kiltony, Madeleine. What the fuck is going on? -Right. -If he kept fucking with folie, I thought I was going to beat up Paulie Short. I'm like, "I'm going to get the fuck this old guy up, and I love fucking bio, though." -I love it. The 23-year-old is like, "Is that Matt Rape's grandfather?" -Is that the last remaining golden girl? [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God, it's a still getting. Dude, we traveled down the road and back again, right? 'Cause we're the golden girls, bro. What's up with you Kippin' Carrot? Top a chance and not me. Little spoiled baby. Little spoiled baby. Can I be on the Netflix episode, bro? Dude, if I could rewind 19 years and show you me arriving to the comedy store and the feeling that you feel the first time Paulie fucking sure like walks out of the door or something and you're like, "Oh, shit." And now, 19 years of grinding, grueling seven days a week, dream nightmare, passion of your career. And here's Paulie going, "Dude, when you're going to give me a shot, bro." Can you hook it up, dude? The fuck, buddy? -Pows to be pals, man. -Literally, never let me open for him on the road. -I was starving. Starving, my first use. Literally sleeping in my car behind the comedy store. He's like, "Dude, wake up. Time to get up, bro. You can't be sleeping too late." I'm like, "Paulie, it's 8 a.m., please." I went to bed at 5. Let me sleep. -I love how you've had 100 people on the show. He only called out Rob Schneider and Carrotop. -It's true. -That's who he thinks are the least talented ones you've had. -Yeah. -Yeah. He's like, "I'm better than those dipshit." -Yeah. -I love it. -It's like going up to Tarantino and being like, "Dude, why'd you go with Travolta and Pulp Fiction?" Dude, he was just dancing at the time, dude. You need a real star. I was in biotones. -In Glorious Bastard's Babe, huh? Who's this Chris Waltz guy? What's the deal, bro? -We have nothing but momentum. It's insanity before we get to another Golden Ticket winner. Let's knock out one more bucket pull here. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trinity, Altamire, everybody. Trinity, Altamire. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello. Yes. Okay, my name is Trinity. I was named after the movie The Matrix. Have we seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that movie, Trinity kind of serves as neo-salvation. She's like a foil to God. And I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's salvation. So, like, last year, I was proposed to three times. And I just -- I am from Texas. So I want to know what it is about me that says, "Come and take it." Because I'm going to show you fucking come and take it. All right. Oh, man. I just -- It's -- I -- I canceled the date for this. I'll have you know. I'll have you know. And I went down by the docks. And so now, I got some seawater on me and I smell like fish. What the fuck is new? I don't know. All right. I'm curious as to what the time is. And I'm nervous. And so I want to say my name again and end it here as -- You know, I used to introduce myself as the father of the son and the holy. And you can guess why. Self-care looks like a lot of different things. And I was confronted with an react penis. I don't know what to do with it. So I grabbed a hold of it. And I went from, from, from. Pressing on his foot like a clutch. My dad taught me how to try to stick. Okay. Trinity, Trinity, Trinity. Let's slow it down here. We're done. We're done. Hi, Trinity. How are you? I'm good. I'm stupendous. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Since the end of July. So like half a year. Okay. All right. I'm from Texas. You live here? I moved to Austin in January. But I'm from the 956. I know I sound like I'm from a different family. Let the people know. We're exactly what the 956 is. Do you know where -- Like McAllen, Edinburgh, Brownsville. Brownsville works. Brownsville. Hey. Okay, yeah. Okay. All right. What are you on, Trinity? What's going on? You on some medicine? I'm unmedicated currently. Yeah. What? Can you rattle it off for us? You're supposed to be on Lexapro in ViVance. Uh-huh. You're supposed to be. What are you on? Not that. Okay. What are you on? Just nothing. Nothing. At the moment. When you say you're supposed to be on Lexapro in ViVance. I know. I played Cale Tony Roulette. So this really is a special night. I didn't do anything and I got picked. I know. So. All right. The man is really making a spectacle of him leaving right now. I've never seen you face forward. No. We know. We don't like her that much either, Dee. It's okay. Dee's back because he got fooled by the last chick. She ain't getting me again. It is true. This is what a feminine female comedian is like, everybody. For those of you that were waiting. Uh-huh. Yeah. Again, you just- we just confused two of the dumb bitches in the room there. They're like, "We represent. She's bombing and sucking through the interview itself." Um, anyway. Trinity. So what made you want to start stand-up six months ago? I was arrested for weed. Okay. You were just regular old weed. Regular old THCA. I got arrested. Got a misdemeanor in a felony. And so I said fuck it. What else am I going to do? Hold on. Hold on. It was a felony amount of weed that you had. Yeah. It was just a THCA pen. Everybody in the crowd fucking has one. Okay. Shut up, Nork. Yeah. Yeah. How did you do it? Yeah. It's legal in Austin. You're safe. You're safe. Fucking cock. But in the 956, it's a felony to have a weed pen. I was in East Texas when they got me. True? Yeah. If I go to my grocery store and I have a joint in my car, it's right outside of Travis County. I would get a felony for that guy. How did you know what county it was? Whoa. Redban. Oh, you found it. I'm confused. Oh, that's fine. Did you really get proposed two three times this year? Last year. Last year. How did that happen? Was it the same guy? Which wouldn't take no for an answer.
three times, and I maybe didn't hear what I just said. (audience laughing) Will you, okay, hold on, I'll go down a one knee. I'll try once more. You have nothing, and I have a job. Will you fucking marry me? - Did he ask you three different times or did your three personalities just hear the same question at once? - It was three different guys all in 2025. One was the end of a relationship in '22, before I'm moving into '25, then I fling, then some random. And now I'm a comic. - You are, huh? (audience laughing) Wow. - Trinity Altamire, very interesting. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? What do you do for work? How do you make money? - I oversee political organizing in like three different key states. (audience laughing) - Sorry. - Oh, guys, I mean she started January 6th. (audience laughing) - Well, we had too. - What party? Who has you working for them? I gotta know, is this why the Democrats are winning Texas elections all of a sudden? What's happening? What are you doing out there exactly? Who are you overseeing for? - Right now we're working on affordable housing. - Well, looks like that's never gonna happen everybody. (audience laughing) - It's time to get to work and start saving up for a house. - Sorry. - Okay, what else? I can't wait to hear your platform. Other than affordable housing, what else are you working on? What are your goals politically? - Honestly, it's a non-partisan nonprofit. So we'll support anybody. We'll register anybody to vote. We don't give a shit what you think, what you do. We just wanna get people support and shit, dude. - People just applauding chaos on the streets. (audience laughing) - Oh, that sounds good actually. They'll support anybody. - I fucking love supporting anybody. (audience laughing) Fucking retarded, this is great. I'm completely retarded. (audience laughing) That's support anybody for any office. - It's not like politicians, it's like policies. So we'll go in between, you know, like Ted Cruz and a different Democrat will have like different policies on fucking legalized sex work. And little did you know, Ted Cruz is like, let's legalize sex work, but it's to arrest more pimp. Yeah. - To arrest. - Yeah, little did you know. - Little did I know. Welcome to another episode of Little Did I Know. I've learned a lot here with Trinity. - Thank you. - That's also, that's a very funny phrase in comedy. - Little do you know? (audience laughing) - We gotta bring that back. - Nothing. - No way if it's ever derived from Little Do You Know. - What's your fact? - What did you say, Ari? - You gotta bring that back and stand up. Instead of folks, please, or ladies and gentlemen, Little Did You Know? What a good twist. (audience laughing) Little Did You Know? Today's my birthday, actually Wednesday. That takes a little bit for that one to sink in. - Hey, you know, in Latin America, there's a lot of street dogs. (audience laughing) - Little Do You Know? You can fuck 'em. (audience laughing) - How are you working on? (audience laughing) - All right, honey. - Oh, you too. - Whoa! - Oh my God. - I'm as you saw. - Whoa. - Trinity landed like a pro. - Like a lexapro. - Well. - Wow. (laughing) - All right, Trinity, I'm gonna throw this little joke but great and frontiest that you can catch it. There you go. It's all right. - You can keep it if you want it. - If you had your vibe ants, you would've caught that thing. - Ah, and you're so correct. - What? (audience laughing) - How to caught that, you're correct. - Okay, you got it. Did you guys find that little joke? - Let's go on, Tony. - This guy with the shady haircut pocketed already. (audience laughing) - It's so awkward, give her another one. - Let's get it. - Here, here's another one. Here you go. - Let's give her another one. - There you go. - Oh my God. - Ladies and gentlemen, there she goes. Trinity, ultimire, ladies and gentlemen. (audience cheering) Trinity, all right. Now we get to go to this. Okay. All right. Heidi working overtime tonight. We got a well hydrated panel tonight. Heidi's the best. Make sure you follow her. Heidi Regina. No doubt about it. We have a golden ticket winner, everybody, who, this is his first time cashing in. He blew our fucking minds. A veteran of comedy from the country of Turkey, doing a brand new minute. His first time cashing in his golden ticket. Make some noise for Orhoo Timor, everybody. Orhoo Timor. (audience cheering) It's been really not raking back there. 'Cause I'm watching the people go up before it's like open micro-legend. Open micro-legend. I'm like, can I please be after that? I'm gonna buy Trinity, all the alcohol or medication she needs after this. I was like, oh, I know her too. I'm like, oh please suck. I don't give a fuck about your career, please. (audience laughing) Anyway, but now comedy. (audience laughing) So I'm 33. I've never gone close to marriage. I can't look at you when I say this. I have to look at the man. You guys can act a little surprised, by the way. I bought a new fucking shirt for this. (audience cheering) Fucking act surprise. All right, but the reason is 'cause I'm a struggling comic and I really don't wanna settle for someone who would settle for me. (audience laughing) You know, anybody who looks at me and says, yeah, I'll waste my best eight years on him. I'm like, I don't want someone with bad judgment raising my children. (audience laughing) You know? Anyway, thank you guys. - Or Hoon Timo. (audience cheering) Very funny joke. Your turtie tree? - Turtie tree. - Turtie tree. - Turtie tree, yeah, 33. - There you go, hell yeah. - I'm actually from Connecticut. I just do this accent. (audience laughing) To be more authentic, you know? - Amazing. Ari, this is exciting for you to be next to the guy that we replaced you with when we thought you weren't coming back. (audience laughing) It was a while. It was a long time. You weren't responding to texts out there. The texts were turning green. I'm like, I need a-- - I love you, by the way. If you want, I can touch your head and you can go to my country, turkey, and they'll plug your hair if they see what I have to do. (audience laughing) - Buddy, I am 100% thinking about that. (audience laughing) - Also, what is going on in the set of Taken Four? - What, you gotta announce the set of Taken Four? - It's over, it doesn't matter. (audience laughing) - Or Hoon Timoor. Where did you get that new shirt from exactly? - I got it from, can I, am I allowed to plug places? - I just asked you a question. You're allowed to say whatever you want. - Okay, Leopard's Lounge, it's a vintage place. - Okay. - Someone-- - I can buy new clothes too, I just like vintage. (audience laughing) You're looking at me like, I don't know. I like it when somebody already sweated in it, and it, whatever. - It's very turquish of you. - Yes, yeah, yeah. - The joke is fantastic. Tell us more about how life has changed since winning a golden ticket. What's going on? Life in Texas for Or Hoon Timoor. - Well, in Texas, it's amazing, first of all, I've been getting a lot of opportunities. In general, 'cause I'm turquish, you know, it's not always happy, like, 90% of my country's very like, yay, flags, all that. 10% of my country think I'm a traitor, and four people think I work for Israel. - Well, yeah, that's gonna happen a lot. Anytime anybody does good or bad at anything, if you, if you-- - No, I'm fucked. - If you make it-- - You fucked me, dude. - Get a screenshot of that, send it back to Istanbul. (laughing) - It's just a thing now. The world is on to the Israelis because of the internet. So if anybody does anything really-- - Really? (laughing) - Part out, thank you. - If anybody does anything really great, like making it in show business, they assume you're working with the Israelis, and if you assassinate anybody or do anything really bad, they assume you're with the Israelis. - Well, that being said, if you look at my tax returns of last year, I think they're short-changing me a little bit over there. - Well, they are known for that. - Yeah. - Short-changing with the Israelis. - Real. - That's the first thing they do. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you if you had to guess? - Ooh, a good question, too. - Oh, wow. I am thinking of the answer that'll get me in least trouble. - No, don't worry about Charlie. - Oh, you're okay. - Hey, sorry, Shafiri's basically there. - He's their supreme leader. - You touched me, I touched you, but you got each other, okay, go. - You just gave him a high five, or is he calls it a high three and a half? - High five. - High five. - I think I like women who are mean, I think that's the most Jewish thing about me. - Is that a Jewish thing, Ari? Women that are mean? - Well, the last bitch was. (laughing) She just flamed me for no reason at the end. (laughing) - You fucking whore, go down yourself. (laughing) - What are the Turks known for? What are some of their stereotypes? - Uh, oh man, again. - It's okay, you can't look at every answer like you're scared to death of someone assassinating you. - Oh no, I'm acting like I'm doing that. I'm actually thinking of the funniest thing. I don't get it.
you a fuck I'll say whatever, I'm in America now. -That's right. -Yeah, that's right. You have your green card? You got your green card? -Huh? -You got your green card? I have my citizenship, I'm good. Hell yeah. What happened with Ari Maddie? Why can't he do this? Ari decided to go through his own weird lawyer that he found online, and so it's taking a long time. -You know what, the president! -I know. He refuses help from everybody and anybody. Literally, we're friends with it. Do you have any connections with the government? Yeah, I know the one in charge. It's the most bizarre thing. We're friends with the entire administration, and literally, he has to give them his case number. And Ari refuses based on his own weird Estonian principle. I swear to God, this is true for us to help him. But what's exciting is that much like you coming out and surprising us, his plan is to surprise us with a citizenship that hopefully fucking happens, because if it doesn't happen soon, they're literally going to ship him back to Estonia. He's going to be one of the most famous, deported people ever. You're going to not say his name with a baba club who's going to come out and say, "He's not coming." Back in. But I must say, most importantly, in Turkey, I've been supportive. Like, I've got to say that 90% is very supportive. Americans are very supportive. I got my first comedy news also. Comedy. Nudes. 'Cause I got personal Nudes, but now comedy Nudes are nude. Kick picks with a microphone. Some dick picks, some dick picks too, but I didn't press them. I didn't press them. How do you know they were dick picks if you didn't press them? It's because I saw skin color and black hair eating, and I said, "I reckon this is a dick, I reckon." So I'm going to go back to stereotypes of Turkish people. What are they known for over there? We're known for eating everything except pork, but every part of a cow, large intestine, testicles. Well, actually, my father liked testicles a lot with eggs, but-- - Really? - Yeah, yeah. Just my father, huh? Not two eggs? Yeah, no, basically, not some eggs. Wow. We call them life eggs. Does it give you energy or something? - What is the purpose? - It actually has absolutely no nutritional value. It's a psychological thing. You're eating the cow's balls, and you're like, "I bet now I have ball." - Power. - It's not a cow. Yeah, I'm almost positive. - Have you eaten balls? - Yeah, but not from a cow. Well, come with it. You're a legend over there. I'll make you any eggs you want. I know a stereotype of Turkey. I don't-- Listen, I lived in LA for a long time, so it's a separate reason from you, but I hate Armenians. - Is this true? - Moving on. You're afraid to tackle this subject, too? Do you have a dislike for Armenians? Oh, no, I love Armenians. I love everybody in our region. I grew up in the Armenia town of Turkey. Orhun's been famous for three weeks, and he's the most afraid of getting canceled out of anybody. - But it's the wackiest shit. - But why can't-- So I love everybody. In fact, I participate in a political party with Trinity Altamirah. We do non-profit. We do non-profit. We do many policy. See, the thing is, after I lived in America for a while, you realize that Armenians and Turkish people are the same. All the things I don't like about them is exactly what I don't like about my people. That's exactly how us peer-Americans feel about both of you. - Exactly. - Perfect. It's amazing. - What about the Greeks? A lot of Turks don't like the Greeks. - The Greeks, we took their land. And we're not going to fucking give it back. We want it fair and square. We got to pay conquest by conquest. I just realized I'm touring over there. You guys are ruining me, dude. - Perfect. - It's perfect. Amazing, Orhun. And what do you think is the most American thing about you? Other than the fact that you're wearing the trans flag is a shirt right now. (laughing) - I just realized that's actually 100% true. I forgot that. I forgot that that existed. - I accidentally clicked on pictures, sent to me a trans flag. I said, I want that in shirt. - Most American thing about me, I guess, I came to this land and I had no connection here. And I said, this is mine. I think that's the most, let's go. - I love that. - Let's go. - Orhun, see more ladies and gentlemen with his first spot and an interview since becoming a golden ticket winner. It can happen to anybody. It can happen at any point, anytime. My God, there are some die hard Heidi fans in the room. They're going ballistic for Heidi tonight. Is everybody on blue shoot tonight? All right, your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Nate Hong Kong, everyone. Nate Hong Kong. Here's Nate, everybody. - Hello, all I am Nate Hong Kong. Well, I was born and raised in Hong Kong, but I got a big dick, so you can just call me Caucasian. There we go. I have lots of Chinese friends as a result. Or just the one, I can't tell. Yeah, I actually, I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong. You know how fucking bad you have to be a driving? For a Chinese guy sitting next to you, shit's scared to be like, whoa, hi, the lola. I can lie in good consoles, huh? You are a low hazard. Now, I actually failed because I didn't hit enough for the traffic cones. Now, what are you doing? You didn't call that family a four? All right, that's me. Nate Hong Kong. Oh, wild show this is tonight. I like it. Nate, how long have you been on stand up? Since I was like, well, I did my first set. I think when I was like 18, I'm 29 now. In Hong Kong, you started in Hong Kong? Yeah, I did my first set. It take out, yeah, a long time ago. Nice, amazing. So you lived over there for how long? Yeah, I was born and raised there. And then I spent like a little bit of time in Singapore and then back to Hong Kong. And I was there till 2019. And then the Hong Kong protest went from like 2013 to 2019. And that, I was like a part of those. How'd you guys do on that? The same as every protesting group of all time. All time, never a victory for the people out on the streets whining about anything. Turns out you need power everywhere. It's true. Yeah, we did very poorly. You know, you know, Garen Choo and Tammy Chan? No, I kind of left the-- Liar! Tommy Wong. Chang, Tommy Wong. There you go. I got this and one of you and that and the other. So when did you come to America, Nate? Like seven weeks ago. Seven weeks ago. Yeah, bro. I saw my lease on 6th Street yesterday. So yeah, the first time ever in the United States. So you went straight from Hong Kong to Austin, Texas. No, I got stuck during the COVID lockdown in Australia. And then-- and that made me want to blow my fucking brains out too, yeah. Yeah, that was brutal. That was like two years in lockdown. Maybe if you were going to be hoppitches at my suck. Yeah. Four years ago, man. Yeah. Yeah, I kind of just ended for me recently. Yeah, unfortunately. You ever think that you may have been the one that spread that around? I was the-- yes. The answer is yes, because I-- yeah, I told everybody when I moved out, I'm like, I've just come from Hong Kong. And they were like, yeah, I was funny. So you've been in Australia for four years? Yeah, yeah, more or less. And back to HK for a minute, and then back to Australia. HK. I love it. There we go. There we go. So you know how to speak Chinese fluently? I'm guessing. I speak like conversational Cantonese. I'm not very good. The first language of Hong Kong is English, so. Can you give us an example of a sentence? Like, I can say-- yeah, like, I'll speak Gonggong. Oh, yeah. I'm a little nervous with them. I guess we all speak Cantonese. Oh, yeah. Can you say-- can you enunciate that a little bit? Yeah, I'll say Gonggong. Don't wow. Yeah. My mouth is very-- What does that mean? This is how I speak Cantonese. What? I speak Cantonese. Oh, yeah. Oh, you should-- I'm not even sure he's speak English. So this-- [SCREAMS] No, no, no, no. I'm going to be honest. I don't trust this fuckery. [LAUGHTER] People say he's from Dublin. He's like, I'm from Hong Kong. No, it's a good point. I wouldn't trust me either. I think my mom was a spy. I'm almost certain that my mom was an American spy. What makes you drink, for sure? Yeah. Sure. [LAUGHTER] What makes you-- While she was pregnant. What makes you think your mom was a spy? I was digging through personal belongings one time, and I found a picture of her, and then it said spy. Oh, yeah. Your mom's definitely a spy. Yeah. That's incredible. I don't think you should have brought that up on one of the biggest shows in the world. True. Yeah, sorry, mom. Love you. You've blown her cover. Should have a consolation, which is getting her fingernails pulled out later this week. Yeah. My son is a comedian.
-He's on Killtony. -So what a horrible spy. Who takes a picture of themselves, then writes, "I'm a spy." [ Laughter ] -This guy's mom. -That's fucking crazy, dude. No spies. It's like, "What am I doing? Let me just write it down so I don't forget." -Sort of forget. -I don't think they pull out your fingernails in China. They might paint them and buff them out for you. -That's fine. -What are your parents do for work in China that they made move there? -Yeah, my mom was in the Foreign Service, and then she got stationed in the unofficial State Department, I want. -And your dad hides Lucky Charms? -That's -- [ Laughter ] -That's really funny, dude. -That's really funny. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -The answer's yes. -Do you know Robin Hood yourself? -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -It looks like the fox. -Yeah. Yeah. -What have you been doing for Work Gear whole life? -I worked in hospitality, and then I did some work for a production company, based in Sydney. -Okay. -You saved up money and moved to Austin, Texas. -Yeah, I lived with my parents for a year to save up money to move to Austin, Texas, seven weeks ago, yeah. -And what's your plan now that you're in Austin? How you gonna make money here in Hong Kong? -Yeah, I mean, I have an extensive hospitality background, and -- -So you're looking for work? -Yeah, yeah, looking for work, yeah, yeah. -When you say hospitality background, what exactly do you mean? -Bar, yeah, bar. -Okay. -Do you really mean hospitality? -Yeah. -There we go. [ Buzzer ] -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. -You're a similar to socket? -Saukey on a six-street? -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Ooh. -Actually, it's funny, like, in Cantonese, you call people "lowbato," like Japanese people, "lowbato," which is, like, turnip head. That's, like, a good face. -You're a very niche slur. -Wow. -Very niche. -Very niche. -My favorite slur of all time, comes from Hong Kong. -What's that? -Mainlander. -True, hell yeah. Hell yeah. -It's all the other Chinese. -Oh, yeah. [ Laughter ] -It's all the other Chinese, except for Hong Kong and Taiwan. -All right. All right. We have Jews in China, too. Yeah. They just can't get circumtized, 'cause there'd be nothing left. -Oh. -Oh, Chinese, Jewish, small penis, super remix. -Yeah. -That's actually such a, yeah, that's dirty lie, though. That's a dirty lie. Chinese guys, they have big dicks. I've seen them. -Is that true? -Yeah. I grew up going to gym class and stuff. Like, it's not. It's not, like, they catch a lot of shit, but it's not all true. -I think we just found out that you have an extremely small penis. [ Laughter ] -I'm pretty sure you just accidentally -- He's like, "My mom's a spy, and I got a little dick." -Yeah. -Thank you. That's my time. -Yeah. -But at least it doesn't take a little bit for that to sink in. At least we know exactly what you're talking about right from the beginning. -Sure, yeah. -Four inches is big. -The legendary Hong Kong 4. -Yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -This guy's, "Oh, Mandingu!" [ Laughter ] -He's good to the biggest though to rip a corner dickhead. -That's so funny. -Ooh. -That's so funny. -Oh, my God, yeah. -Alright, Nate. Well, I like your style, man. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Here's a big joke book coming at you. A big bang. There you go. Big Bang is his travel agent's name. Everybody back in Hong Kong. It's a little fun fact for you. Big Bang. -Big Bang. -Alright, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of "Rock Out Millie." That's an interesting name. Let's all meet "Rock Out Millie" together. [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah. I go by "Rock Out Millie." The first question I get usually is -- What race am I? And I'd like to represent for black half German. You know what I'm saying? Not a lot of us out here, but we out here. I think it's kind of funny how retarded, guys. [ Laughter ] NBA players both say currency the same way. Money? [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Uh. See, I was playing on stripping my back. I was playing on stripping when I got out here, so I'm a strip. -First of all, I'm just. -So I'll hammer it a little bit. What's up, big mic? -I'm doing it. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -We fuck with Whitney Houston, Austin! We fuck with Whitney Houston! [ Cheers and applause ] I got caught in the rain before I came here and it's ain't the first time this bitch got wet! It's not the first time! [ Cheers and applause ] -Okay, Rock Out Millie with his Killtony debut. Are you sure fear her? -Before we go on, I don't -- It is a long time ago. Whitney Houston was a pop star and she died in the bathtub. [ Laughter ] -Second of all, who's asking you what race you are? [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Even de-madness knows the answer to that one. [ Laughter ] -That motherfucker black is night! He looks like what I've been seeing! -Am I wrong or do you have a little German in you? [ Laughter ] -Am I right? -Holy shit. Look at this guy. Are you really half German? -Yeah. -Really? -My mom German. -She's completely German. -Yup, sir. -Wow. -I don't know my dad so I assume he's black. [ Laughter ] -I can't even imagine how black he must be. The dominant genes of your black father. [ Laughter ] -I mean, absolutely incredible Rock Out Millie. -What am I? -You look Jewish. -Yeah, you got it. -He said you look Jewish. -That's a German in you. -By the way, let me remind you all. -Let me remind you. -German in him hates me and the black in him. Respects me not tipping. -Holy, I never tip. Fuck no. Do your job, bitch. -It checks out. -Yup. In fact, I'll mention it again. Your dad has dominant genes. What's amazing is your half-chirmin, and meanwhile, we had a black guy on earlier named the Mr. Ziegler, and he wasn't half-chirmin. His last name, Ziegler, what's up with the black-chirmin thing? Do you have an answer for that? -Flock no. -Where are you people coming from? -She. -She said he doesn't know his dad. -She. -Wow, you might be Mr. Ziegler's son. -Have you ever put your dick fully inside a lady or only a little bit and make him go crazy? -Sign of what? -Do you put your whole. What the fuck's going on? I just fucking answered this guy, like, "I'm on his show." -It's incredible. This is an amazing. -Where are you born in Germany? -Fuck no, I was born in New Jersey. -Oh, shit. -What are you? -You are not born in New Jersey? -Wow, all right. He's turning on the crowd, ladies and gentlemen. -What do you think? -Making a heel turn here. Oh, he wants more of the physics, okay. -I love a heel turn. -We're going to keep. Oh, he got that painted outside of the alleyway without a doubt. The guy was sleeping on his belly, woke up, and painted on his jacket. This is absolutely amazing. Rock out, milly, up here with one very cotton glove. That is. Is that just. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. -Who's your rock, too? -Michael Jackson, glove with the Whitney Houston shirt, we are all hoping he dies soon. -This is incredible. -Amazing. Rock out, milly. How old are you? -I'm 24. -24. What do you do for work, milly? -Unemployee. I got an interview tomorrow, though. -Okay. -Where? -Amazing crowd. -I got a feeling you're not going to get it. -Where is this interview at? -Hole foods. -Hole foods. -Hole foods. -Oh, yeah. -Maybe you are. -What? -What do you want to do with whole foods? -This is the seafood department. -Okay. Well, you already smell like that, so. -No! -Kidding. Milly, what's your living situation? You move here full-time. -Yeah. -I came here on New Year's. -Okay, you have your own apartment? -Homeless at the wrong side of the street. -Okay, so you're homeless. -Yeah, you're doing great for homeless. Most homeless people don't have two gloves. The only bad news is they're both free or right-hand. So that left-hand frostbite. Old frostbite millie over here. -Oh, my goodness. Wow. Oh, my God. We had Uncle Laser. We've never had cousin laser before. -This is incredible. -Wow, this guy's got. -This is Brother Laser. -Yeah. Amazing. A man of many slight talents. Well, he's pulling something else out. -Milly, so. How long have you been homeless for? -Since New Year's. I came here New Year's Day, and I sat outside the comedy mothership that whole day. -Okay. -That's a weird revolution. -I got to a shelter on the 12th. -Okay. -So, 12 days. 12 days homeless. 12 days on the streets, the shelter after that. What were you doing in New Jersey before you moved here? -I went to New York when I was 13, but I was born in Jersey and I was a grocery store.
Okay, you managed to grocery store in New York City. -No, I managed a department. -What department? -Devy department. -Ooh, now you're looking to make the junk that's seafood and whole foods. -It's a big, big junk. -You didn't have a seafood department. -Oh. -But you dreamed. [ Laughter ] -Oh, yeah, Millie. What else about you? What do you do for fun? -Shit, I like the draw. I got this little cartoon I'm working on called "Docon." -Docon. It's gonna be out soon. -Call what? -Docon. -Spell that. -D-O-P-E-C-O-N-E. -Docon. -Docon. -Docon. -What's that about? What's the theme of "Docon?" -Two stoners, and it's a comedic cartoon, and it's -- It got some deeper meaning into it, but it's really just -- It's just funny. -Where can people find it at? -Check my Instagram out at Rock Out Millie. -Okay. Rock Out Millie. M-I-L-L-L-Y. Everybody, there he goes. Rock Out Millie. Here's a -- I'm just gonna give it to you, 'cause you look like you need it, or you can resell it or something. -You play in her monochrome. -Ting real quick. -What? -You think he's good at her monochrome? -Oh, no. -No, I'd put that on. -All right, you know what I'm doing. -Oh, he's gonna do it. -Oh, he's going to do it. -All right. -All right. -He's going to do it. It looks clean. -All right, don't do it, man. -All right, you're gonna turn German. -Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, you know it. A fearless, fearless legend. Oh, he's got bedbugs. Ain't no party like a bedbug party. -I really hope he gets that job. -I do, too. -I hope he doesn't wear that shit to the interview. -Yeah. -That's actually a great point. Is Millie already gone? Millie already gone? Is the CABs right there real quick? Send 'em back out real quick. 'Cause that's a great question, actually. -I just wanted to tell 'em to make sure-- -Yeah. -That's a great point. Real quick, Millie's still here. -Millie. -Is he there? -It's Millie from Jack and Jersey. -Is he gone? Okay, he's here. -Oh, he's in the rain. -Here he comes, Millie, real quick, real quick. Just one question, just come out. Send 'em out, send 'em, send 'em, send 'em, Millie. Real quick, 'cause he brings up a great point. -What are you wearing to that interview tomorrow? What are you wearing to your job interview tomorrow? -Fuck his suit and tie. -You have a suit and tie? -Okay. -Okay, there he goes. All right, good luck. We're gonna put in a word for you at the Whole Foods. -Fist Street. Come see me. -Fist Street. -Fist Street at the freeway. There he goes. Seafood department. Good kid, you don't want to homeless. All right, we're having fun here tonight. Just had to make sure last bucket pool tonight makes some ways to our Alex Hurtline, everybody. Alex Hurtline. -Fuck ya, dude. I'm start to think all Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans. 'Cause whenever I ask one for a favor, they're always like, "Okay, see!" Yeah, dude. I fucked a celebrity. Yeah, dude, it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum. Yeah, dude. The fucking security guard that caught me. He was like, "Sir, I need you to pull out a Buzz Light "you're right now." Thank you, yes. Ah, let's see here. Everybody measures the height of snow, but never the girth. Very stupid, yes. Oh, thank God, dude. Thank you very much. A great fucking set, Alex. Hurtline, welcome. Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? -Second. -You've been on this show before I remember now that I see that crazy birthmark you got out of there. That thing's wild. Or he was like, "He's got a black eye. He's got a black eye." He also said that about Rock Out Milley, too, when he came out, he's like, "He's got a black eye, "a black cheek, a black forehead. "Something's up with this guy." All right, Alex, welcome back. Where was that last, when was the last time you were on the show? It was in July, Grega Gredford Simmons was on, and I had a generational fuck up. Like, I did jokes about my birthmark, but I wore a bucket hat so like, nobody could see what I was talking about. And I like bombed hard as fuck. Well, tonight you fucking cranked it, dude. Amazing jokes. I love the unbelievable Chris Anunciation. Everybody got what the fuck you were saying. It was well written, it was well edited. Everything was tight and strong and fucking smart and funny. I was wondering where you were going with that OKC joke. Incredible. The act out, the whole thing. Amazing stuff. Are you sure? So it didn't lean on the fucking birthmark at all. Yeah. All right, let this be a lesson to all these wheelchair cowards. [LAUGHTER] That every obstacle is just a hurdle that some of you can leap over. [APPLAUSE] The classic Fiona Collie laugh in the mix. She's fucking great. Oh my god. So Alex, that's amazing. It's great that you learn that lesson about the birthmark and the hat and everything. Crazy stuff like that happens. What else has been going on in your life? Remind us, how are you? I'm 24. 24. I'm a barista at Dutch Bros now. OK, fuck yeah, crushing it. Oh yeah. Barista's a reach for Dutch Bros, but OK. True, yeah. You make coffee. Yeah. I put shit in the cup and like, here. Yeah, dude. Your face looks like you've got a handshake at Interstellar. Yes. Does anybody ever order a black eye at that place? Do you know what that is? That's a drink? That's a drink. No, I was once-- a lot of people don't know this, but on the grind and hustle that I've been on, I once worked at the Starbucks next to the Comedy Store morning shifts before working the afternoon phone shift at Starbucks. And I am a master fucking barista from 18 years ago. Coffee with an espresso shot? That is a red eye. Wait, it's a black eye. That's a coffee with two espresso shots, ladies and gentlemen. OK, amazing. So we're all learned something here tonight. If you really want to get fucking wired, you could throw espresso shots in your coffee. Oh, yeah. I have a Starbucks question for you, though. Sure. Compare the two. What did a Torto's order the most? What's a Torto? Oh, yeah. Mexican one. Oh, that's very easy. Straight fucking Frappuccino's all built. Carmel, carmel, double caramel, extra whipped cream, Frappuccino. OK, that's interesting because that Dutch pro's it's always like a strawberry or a shot of chai. Well, that's probably as close as it gets. Yeah, yeah. We didn't have porchatas at the Starbucks. But I promise you, if we did, that would be the-- We're running low. --that would be the Torto-- that would be the drink of tortas. What do you guys think about it? Yeah, Alex here. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, it was great. He's fucking funny. You shit. Chill. You know what? What are you doing this? Whatever Red Band's show is. [LAUGHTER] That is a great point. You don't want to mourn? Why don't you come back to see the show this fucking way with it? It's a special week in South by Southwest week. And also, he said, thank God, when it was the minute. He's like, thank God, I can't-- How much material do you think you have that's like that minute that you did that quality? Obviously, there's like three of your best jokes. Yes, so like, the longest I've done is probably 25, but that was like two years ago. How long have you been doing comedy again? Three years. Three years. I have like, it's one line of shit like that and then kind of stories. If I had to guess, maybe 30. If I was bombing straight, I could be up there for 30, I think. You know, we're going to do just for fun since Ari teased you and I don't have a golden ticket to give away because your interview is just a normal white guy. But what I am going to do, you call that a normal white guy? I mean, he is turning into a werewolf in real time. He looks like he's about to have superpowers. Yeah, right? Dude, I'm a firebender at heart. You know what we are going to do, though, is we're going to send you up to Adam Eget right now who's doing show cases in the other room. And you're going to do a short set for him right now. How long is that? It's either three or three or four minutes to like that. They'll tell you right before, right now in real time. Alex Fertlite, ladies and gentlemen, there you go. He's about to be in front of the Booker of the Mother's Ship. The former Booker of the Comedy Store. Literally, the biggest talent booker in the comedy industry. Tell him to only try to do the left hand lights. [LAUGHTER] It'd be funny if Adam's like, I'm going to pass. Oh god, what the fuck? Oh no, he was a fucking monster, man. God damn it. Why'd you guys send up the freak to me? God, I think you got to let-- what the fuck? I have a real eye for what the fuck is. All right. Everybody, I mean, what a fucking show it's been. Amazing. We started with Will.
(audience applauds) Ari Maddie's on the road doing extra shows. Timmy No breaks is a conserving energy, but we have one more regular to close out tonight who I think is taking over fucking comedy one week at a time. An undisputed growing freak of nature. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for yet another. This guy never turns down his set. When we've done two shows a night, when we've had multiple shows a week, he always has a new set. Make some fucking noise for one of my favorite comedians, Dedric Flynn, everybody. (audience applauds) What's up? My therapist told me, "I can't be a why-in no more." "A why-in me, young niggas." 'Cause one of 35, and that energy is dangerous with a niggas with no ACLs. So now I'm on my WPN shit. It's a white people insurance. I just got healthy insurance. I did, I had to, 'cause now I gotta start going to the doctor. I was a kids going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age, he was like, "The emergency room is free." (audience laughs) Right, and we live based on that. And then after I went to college, I just started using my student loan debt because they won't let you die if you own student loans. (audience laughs) 'Cause student loans is the only thing that you could only pay with by dying. Like you can't do like bankruptcies. So like I would use that to my bed. Y'all remember when the cops were real mad at black people? And it was scary, right? Everybody was scared, but not me. Every time I got pulled over, I would roll down the window and I'd be like, "I own $40,000 to sell you, mate." (audience applauds) And then the cop'd be like, "Ah, all right, I was gonna shoot this shit out of you, niggas." (audience laughs) Even when you go to the hospital, if you wanna get to the front of the line, you gotta go tell them niggas you got a student loan debt. I don't care what's wrong. You could have a car door stuck in the middle of your chest and it's actively giving you aids for some reason. (audience laughs) Niggas, you get soft. Like you get Niggas, you come in there, you're like, "I got $120,000 in student loan debt with the ethics of philosophy degree." (audience laughs) Niggas, Dr. House, Dr. Mario, the niggas from Grey's Anatomy scrubs, show up. (audience laughs) Y'all know this, didn't know Niggas died from COVID that had student loan debt. (audience laughs) That's my time, I lay out. Jesus Christ, God damn it, he's done it, yet again. (audience applauds) You just gotta learn to love it, people. Two or three massive, huge applause breaks. Only Ari got that with brand new material from a fucking huge vacation. Dedrick, you are a fucking pro, dude. I'm not playing a fucking game this year. (audience applauds) The premise. I'm a rookie to hear A, A, B, P. I've got coach Bill Bellishek over here and white dad. (audience laughs) It's just incredible. Your knack for fucking amazing premises is what I just absolutely love. Not letting people die if they owe money is amazing. In fact, it's incredible. Honestly, if you think about it, Tony, all these people that song, like I see you, like on the core, like brain day, if you just go whist for how much them niggas is, like cause just, sir, you're at $180,000. Niggas, that niggal just get up. Like, you know what I'm saying? I feel like if we just go tell these niggas they're running the bill up, they was like, pull the bill out, walk, niggas, I don't, amazing. You had amazing jokes that I think when over people's heads, the WPN, white people, insurance, unbelievable. I went to, I whispered in red bands here, fucking insurance, unbelievable. I mean, it's just amazing. You're hitting from every angle. You're absolutely crushing. Ari, this is one of your first, this has to be your first time seeing Detroit. I don't know who it was. I mean, I love, obviously, I love the teeth. Thank you. I mean, it's just, just pricing it out as I watch here. So, but you were able to overcome that. And I can hear your material. I was doing that in the background while I was listening to you, which is great. Black debt matters. No doubt about it. You're bald. I think, guys. I'm sorry, you son of a bitch. You should have kept that homeless jameriqui hat on you. He wouldn't have had anything on you. I think it came out, look like a homeless gand off the white. Who fired and shot the white? Fall 10 first, have a day. Fucking nigga, I love you. I love you. Please don't give me any, I'm too high for it. It was great, buddy. I love it. And this is that you guys have never seen Detroit before. Now, first time, I've seen the clips. He's a fucking stone cold killer. He's a stone person. He's fucking crazy. You would love him on "Are You Garbage?" Because he is from "Real Atlanta." The kid has fucking stories. And he looks so classy. What are you talking about? It's just a key little Tony money now. Let me tell you a minute. I do see his first clip. He was dusty as shit. Yeah, what? He got key really. I was. The gold chains, the gold teeth. He's got the earrings. But my favorite thing is what's cooler than a black guy wearing a brand of menthol cigarettes that aren't even in business anymore for the ballcaps. Salem. My uncle got this in the '90s because he's sending a bunch of empty cartons. He said he had 72. And it's the same uncle that used to steal the pothole covers in Indianapolis and go sell him in Detroit after he cycles them. And entrepreneur. That is actually an advantage card. That is an "Are You Garbage" card. I was going to say-- Never cashed anything in off Barbara points. That is an advantage. Are you Garbage's card? The first questions we ever came up with. This guy might be your first ever 10-part docu-series. Are you Garbage? Dedric is a machine. You did it again tonight. It is a home run. You haven't been a regular all that long. And I've been throwing you these closing positions and hyping you up on the intro. And you never fucking dodge a bullet. You always go with the wind. This is my shit. I fucking love doing this shit. I love being on Killtony. I love falling my dreams. I love fucking my fucking ass. I love fucking being here. I love raping. I love Tony. He madness. We got a peep, nigga. I've been waiting to get cut. This blind nigga-- this blind nigga been on my ass all day because that golden seat, the other blind nigga, you get Chris. They call him Blind Creelio. That nigga beat me in pool yesterday. Don't talk about this nigga beat me up. Because that nigga's can see with their ears. I just dig and go. And he had Jay Legend, Backer Vance, and the nigga the whole time. Fuck yeah, have it at it. And the nigga beat me up pools. And this blind nigga, I guess, heard it through the blind great fire. I have it at the nigga-- [MUSIC PLAYING] Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, the unstoppable force. The future has arrived. Learn to love it. It's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Dedrick, mother fucking Flynn. What a goddamn show we at tonight. Ari-- Fuck, fuck, fuck. Brought to you by Shopify and Quo. Ari, plug the release one more time. It comes out-- this is, wait, hold on. It's called the end. It's a new version of whatever storytelling show you know. It's got-- it's available April 16th, but the pre-sale is available right now at YMHTudios.com. Thompson Gore is producing it. It's got Tony Hitchfutth held lying in an episode. Roy Wood, Shank Gillis, Nate Bargazzi, Tom Segura, Krista Stefano, Mark Norman, Joe Liszt. On and on and on and on and on. Tony is headlining probably the best-- that's the episode we have. Four stories about trying to come. Thank you, buddy. And it's a real-- Ari's been my big brother in this shit for about two decades. And you really did put a lot of fucking effort into this thing. And it's awesome. And you just heard the names on it. One more time for Ari's Shefear. Surprising the dog shit out of us tonight. Oh, chef. And how about one more time for the Are You Garbage Guys? Are yougarbage.com? The back on the block tour, Kevin Ryan, and H. Foley. Three of my favorite human beings here. Thank you. Love you. So much fun on a random Monday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Little Timmy No Breaks, going to be for sale in the lobby with all that cool Killtony merch. Killtmerge.com for an amazing new plethora of things, including our new WWE merch, in which, of course, we will be in Las Vegas, April-- right after the Saturday night of WrestleMania, that is indeed April 18th. In Vegas, a WWE Killtony crossover episode.
and it's yes, completely crazy. It's my dreams coming true. And May 7th, we are at the Intuit Dome, doing the largest attended audience for a Killtony effort. Bigger than the Otoo Arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden, our return to Los Angeles, where we started this thing 13 years ago in front of 17 people, maybe less. Tony, can I just say that people I was hustling around the fucking world, and a lot of people mentioned the special thanks to your god damn Netflix shows. - Yeah, every time. - Fuck you. (laughing) - Special thanks to Ari Shapiro for nothing, right? - What does it say again? - I has a lot in there. You can look to the credits in Tony's show if you made it that far. - Yeah. - And yeah, you're a con. - It's fun. We have a lot of fun running jokes, me and Ari. One more time for Ari Shapiro, right, man? - Check out my new music video. - Do you know me capred music on YouTube, capred seven on Spotify and on? - That's right, a lot of other huge announcements happening. Very, very soon. And that's about it. So we love you guys. God bless this audience. And God bless the United States of America. Thank you, good night everybody. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
Podcast Summary
Key Points:
The episode features an improvised, chaotic live comedy show with multiple stand-up acts, including William Montgomery, Mr. Ziegler, Hannah Jane, Riley Galvin, and Joe Ellis.
William Montgomery shares a wild anecdote about dropping his phone in trash, detailing the incident, the cleanup process, and a cyberwarfare scam involving a fake website targeting him.
Mr. Ziegler delivers a risqué, humorous set about his stand-up break, past relationships, and barbering, ending with a bold claim of having had a threesome with a nine-year-old.
Riley Galvin, a 21-year-old comedy newcomer, shares personal experiences, including working at a diner, studying journalism, and using ketamine, with audience laughter over his odd pronunciations.
Joe Ellis, a trans comedian, opens up about his journey, transition, and activism, highlighting his rise in visibility and the growing challenges faced by trans performers.
The show is famously spontaneous, with a surprise guest appearance by Ari Shaffir, who returns from global travel and announces a new storytelling show featuring Tony Hinchcliffe.
The evening’s energy is fueled by absurd humor, self-deprecating jokes, and audience interaction, blending personal stories with outrageous satire.
Themes of identity, vulnerability, and community resonate throughout, especially in how trans and marginalized voices are centered and celebrated.
Summary:
The episode of *Killtony* is a wildly improvised, chaotic, and deeply humorous live stand-up showcase, blending absurdity, personal anecdotes, and sharp satire. Host RedBan introduces a lineup of comedians, including William Montgomery, who recounts a phone incident in the trash and reveals a fictional cyberattack on his website, adding layers of dark humor and real-world relevance. Mr.
Ziegler delivers a raunchy, self-deprecating set about stand-up breaks, relationships, and barbering, culminating in a joke about a teenage threesome. Riley Galvin, a 21-year-old newcomer, shares his journey in Tennessee, his work at a diner, and his use of ketamine, while Joe Ellis offers a heartfelt, trans-affirming monologue about transitioning, overcoming stigma, and the importance of visibility. The episode reaches a climax with an unexpected surprise: Ari Shaffir returns from a global journey and reveals a new storytelling series featuring Tony Hinchcliffe.
Throughout, the show thrives on spontaneity, improvisation, and a fearless exploration of identity, sexuality, and vulnerability. The tone is irreverent yet heartfelt, uniting stand-up comedy with social commentary and community celebration, making it both a hilarious and timely experience. The energy is electric, with frequent audience reactions, chaotic transitions, and a strong emphasis on real human experiences.
The segment highlights how personal stories—ranging from phone mishaps to trans identities and global travel—can become powerful tools of comedy and connection. The show’s unscripted nature underscores the authenticity and unpredictability that define its appeal.
FAQs
The bucket segment is an improvised 60-second comedy performance where a comedian is chosen from a bucket of names, performs a set, and then the audience reacts. If they don’t finish in time, an 'angry West Hollywood bear' sound effect interrupts them.
William Montgomery is a recurring host known as the 'Big Red Machine' and has the most appearances in the show’s history. He’s known for his wild, improvised stories and is a fan favorite for his outrageous humor and bizarre anecdotes.
William’s phone fell into a pile of feces after a mishap in San Diego. He cleaned it with soapy hands and later discussed the incident, including the smell and the fact that it contained yellow beans and red peppers.
The hole in his shirt is a symbol of his experience with online scams, specifically a fake website called 'williamagumretort.com' that was targeting him and selling fake tickets. He used the hole to represent his ongoing battle with cyberwarfare.
Mr. Ziegler is a stand-up comedian with 15 years of experience, known for his humorous stories about relationships and sex. He works as a barber and cook, and his comedy often revolves around his personal experiences and interactions with women.
Joe Ellis is a trans comedian who shares a powerful story of transition and resilience. His appearance highlights trans visibility, humor, and the challenges faced by trans people in the comedy world, including online harassment and societal judgment.
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