#760 - TIM BUTTERLY + STEVE-O

Hey, this is Brad Pitt Coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership Here in Austin, Texas For a brand new episode of Kill Tony Give it up for Tony Hedges! Who's ready for the best fuckin' night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Big surprise for Brian Redman Ladies and gentlemen Oh my god And how about one more time For the best damn band in all of the land Carlos Sosa Raul Vallejo Fernando Castillo Michael Gonzalez And Nachos Belgrande Ice officer Matt Muehling The great John Dees on the keys And Dee Madness on the bass guitar We're keeping the ice officer Separated from our Latino Our Latino wing This episode of the number one live podcast In the world Is brought to you by Toccova's and ExpressVPN How we feelin' tonight, people, huh? It feels good in here We are home At the Comedy Mothership So many fun things going on So many announcements So many great sponsors Here's some of them That made this episode available for you Right here, right now ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ You guys ready to start tonight's fuckin' show, or what? Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on this show this week, no different. One of them is one of my favorite comedians and movie stars. Truly, one of the stars from what I think Is the funniest movies of the past, I don't know, what would we say, three decades? The other one is truly who I believe Is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Truly one of the funniest humans on planet Earth. They both are. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to freak out. As I introduce tonight's guests, it's Steve-O and Tim Butterly. ♪ Oh yeah, baby. Yeah! Steve-O and Tim Butterly. ♪ Here we go. ♪ Oh yeah. Oh my God. ♪ Hell yes. The Crash and Burn tour is everywhere. Steve-O.com, he has the great Aaron Belial out there on the road with him. Fuckin' unbelievable, my man. I love Aaron Belial. Yeah. We do too. Uh, how about a hand for the great Steve-O? For the great Tim Butterly, one of the breakout stars of the past year. A recent move to Austin, Texas has made him one of my favorite guests to book, and he's on tour. TimButterly.com. He's everywhere. Columbus, Dayton, Boston, Tacoma. Filming his special here, May 23rd at the Creek in the Cave, a new 30-minute special. So much fun. You guys have both been on this show numerous times before. We're so happy to have you back, Steve-O, fresh off of filming the newest, what some people are saying might be the final Jackass movie of all time. Yeah, dude, it's the fifth last movie. I love it. Brilliant marketing. I'm gonna watch it no matter what. I swear to God, the Jackass movie, I've always said Jackass and South Park are the only two things other than Kill Tony in the comedy world that you can always trust and fuckin', it's always there. I can put 'em on any time I crack up. Even the one, what's the one where it's like the deleted scene? The deleted scenes, kinda. Oh, the.5s? Yeah. Yeah. That's the shit. Anyway, we're gonna have fun tonight. You guys have done this show numerous times, Butterly and Steve-O, so you know hundreds of people signed up for the chance, the opportunity to get on this stage. Some of them are some of the top talents in the world that know their life will change with a minute of stand-up comedy. Some of them completely mentally ill people that literally just wanna be seen for a second, and realize that anyone can sign up for the show, so they take full advantage of the situation. Recently we've had some stalkers on the show, we've had some people that are physical threats to our audience and us. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them, I find out if there's anything else interesting about their lives, and we get to all meet them together, or see them again if they've been lucky enough to be pulled before. That's about it. You guys ready to start tonight's fuckin' show? I'm gonna pull a name now, and while we go wrangle our first fuckin' pull of the night, boy do I have a treat for you. To get this show jolted from the start, I present to you a guy so powerful that he's normally the closer, he's a Hall of Famer. Known for having more sets on this show than any other human in the history, the 13 year history of Kill Tony. Some people call him the Saratoga Singer, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, the one and only, William Montgomery! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Tony, I'm about to be fuckin' threatening violence against Red Band's mom's PUSSY TONIGHT! This town is not big enough for the both of us, said two clinically obese people. And by the way, Red Band, your mama was so fat, now there's an Ozempic shortage. The Reverend Jesse Jackson just died, and I'm trying to figure out what he did to piss off Hillary Clinton? I asked ChatGPT to explain the concept of God in the shortest terms possible. It wrote back two words: Apex Twin. A Texas grand jury declined to indict a man who shot and killed his daughter because she said bad things about Donald Trump. I'm no lawyer, but isn't that called justifiable homicide? Okay, that's my time, Tony. I'm gonna go to bed. I'm gonna go to bed. That's my time, Tony! Fifty-seven seconds, exactly. Well, Tony, I was gonna say to Red Band, I actually put his job application on Indeed. I actually applied you for a job today, Red Band, so you fuckin' owe me one, dude. Sick. Wait, what? Job application on Indeed? On Indeed, yes. I signed him up to be the new Ayatollah. Whoa. I don't know anything about Indeed, but I'll tell you this: You should put it on ZipRecruiter. An official spot sort of filter. Okay, yes, yes. Use the promo code KILTONI and you get a month free, I do believe. I love ZipRecruiter. Yeah, we love ZipRecruiter. And Red Band, you're about to love Iran because you're about to be ruling Iran for a little bit, and it was on ZipRecruiter.com. You are applied now for the Ayatollah Supreme Leader of Iran. So, Red Band, get ready, dumbass. You're really gonna have to lose weight over there, dude. Oh, my goodness. When you're riding on your motherfucking camels, man, your ass's gonna get some loose weight. The Supreme Leader, ladies and gentlemen. Did your mom write that joke? Wow, Red Band knows how to bring the crowd to a screeching halt there. All the momentum and laughter and then just. Red Band, no, but your mom did, pussy. Oh. Last night. Okay, yeah, stop. That wasn't good. That was not a good exchange. I love it. I love it. So, you signed him up to be the new Ayatollah of Iran? I did. I did. I said, he's really good at computer stuff. He's gonna be able to help y'all with all of y'all's search engines and computer stuff. And he's just really. I said, he's basically a tech wizard. He's gonna be able to really help y'all with that. He's cool with having a bunch of different wives because he has a bunch of different wives in America. I told him about that. He's already gonna be cool with having a bunch of different wives. They have to be Asian women. He needs a bunch of Asian wives over in Iran when he's the Ayatollah. So, Red Band, we'll see what happens. Don't let me come over there if you become the supreme leader. That'll be the first time you'll be able to ever say that I ran from you. Because you've never ran before. The Ayatollah of breads and rolas. Yeah, that's what you're gonna be eating every night for dinner. Hey, can I have some more breads and rolas, please? You're gonna be the. Doritos Supreme Leader. Sick. Funny. Red Band, you need to get on the rowing machine, my friend, so we can add some years to your life. He's been on the growing machine. I don't know if you've seen that. He does a thing. It's on his recliner. It's called the growing machine. It's a lot of this. Instead of that. Yeah, you're a big little boy, ain't you? Wow. But it's okay. He put a splash of Gatorade in his vodka soda, so he's super healthy. I remember one time in high school, Tony, I drank a bunch of vodka Gatorade, because I always heard it could make you drunker, and I got wasted that night, and I ended up driving back to my parents' house, and I crashed into their brick wall, and I wake up the next day to my mother screaming. It's everywhere. She was in the bathroom, and I had vomited everywhere and forgotten about it. So, Red Band, be careful tonight, since you're drinking vodka Gatorade. I can't believe it. It's like you're a high schooler or something. Drinking and driving, is not safe to do. We do not condone that, and if your life has gotten to that point, may I suggest going to BetterHelp.com, using the promo code KILLTONY, and talking with someone. Within 30 minutes, you could be talking to a licensed professional from anywhere in the world. They sure helped me, Tony. It's so much. What? You laughed at that? He loves it. No, they helped William. Yep. That was a good set, William. You had only three jokes about Red Band's mom, an Apex twin rep friend. This town is not big enough for the two of us, and I loved the Jesse Jackson, Hillary Clinton joke. Thank you. I know that happened about three weeks ago, Tony. Under suspicious circumstances, he fell out of his office building in Atlanta. Wait, he did? Yeah, Jesse Jackson fell out of his office building in Atlanta, and people really are saying it's a connection with Hillary. I don't think that's how he died. Yeah, no. He got pushed out of his office building in Atlanta, Georgia, Tony. Oh, my goodness gracious. Yeah, no. I found this website where people are talking all about it, and I've been on it nonstop. And also, Red Band, by the way, I told that weird stalker guy about your mom. He's about to be stalking your fucking mom. I'm serious. You need to change the locks at your house. I'm not kidding, Red Band. He's after your mom next. I'm not kidding. You've been going to a website where you find out all this information? Yeah, Jesse Jackson, he fell out of this high-rise building. Right, in Atlanta. I just hope you're using your browser properly. The best way to do it is to use expressvpn.com. Yes. Use the promo code KELTONI. This way, people can't see what you've been. This guy's nodding along. He knows. He uses a VPN. It's fucking nice. I love it. Yeah. It's very nice. The VPN is so nice. This guy pushes VPNs to their limit. Yeah, he does. There's steam coming out of it. He goes deep into the dark web. He literally looks like Red Band's wife on VR. That's what Red Band's wife on VR. Looks like this guy. And you know, speaking of VR, hymns can regrow your hair by using this topical solution. It's great for your form. Okay, maybe next time, try not to mess it up at the beginning. There you go, yeah. Maybe what if it's really bad? Maybe let's hear some of those wacky sound effects, Red Band. Anyway. So, tell us about your process, your writing process for this set this week. Where do you write most of your jokes, William? Where are you when this brilliant stuff comes into your head? I am in. I'm in my little office that I've created, Tony, and has a lot of Star Wars stuff in there. And yeah, I was in there and I was thinking, okay, Red Band's mom, she does look pretty good. She's not that fat. She lost some weight. Normally people say your mom is so fat. I was thinking, okay, if you could do the past tense to it, that would be funny. Why would it be that? 'Cause she lost a bunch of weight 'cause it was a pic. And then I was literally just thinking about his fucking mom the rest of the night, but. Yeah, Tony, I sit in there. Wow, just a random noise for no reason whatsoever. You know what? Red Band, pick up the mic. Why don't you just jump in any time you want? All right, sweet. No, I'm kidding. Go back to the sound. Yeah. Okay. And then Ozempic had my mind thinking, okay, something about fat people. Then I was thinking for whatever reason, oh, old, old Western kind of say, this town isn't big enough for the both of us. And then I'm thinking, okay, who would say that? Oh yeah, a fat person. So I'm thinking, okay, we've got two fat people jokes right here. Perfect. What else did you do this week? What are you passionate about in life right now? Well, Tony, I mean, I did 200 miles on the rowing machine in February. Okay, but that doesn't matter. Hilarious. No, but Tony, I've been doing these walnuts in my hand. This random subreddit came on my computer called win one walnuts. And Tony, I've been doing it and my hand's already really sweaty and I just sit in my little desk and I put 'em, roll 'em in my hands and then I brush them like they're little pets for, I don't know, an hour or two at a time. And then I'm slowly seeing this color change. And Tony, I've literally been doing that. You've been brushing walnuts? For hours at a time. Yeah, brushing walnuts. How much do you love brushing walnuts? Tony, it's like one of the best things ever, man! Whoa! Red Panda's not looking impressed whatsoever. Yeah, he doesn't like it. Did you look up a picture? Oh, they're really wonderful. They feel good in your hand. They're, I really enjoyed 'em. I don't think we need to look up a picture. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Brush the walnuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like a walnut. Wow. Guys, any parting words for William Montgomery? Steve-O, you've seen William a few times. I have. I think you look particularly healthy. Yeah, that is true. I believe that you've been on the rowing machine every bit as much as you claim. And I think so far the joke of the night was growing machine. I really, really enjoyed that. Thank you. Thank you, Red Band makes it very easy by being a disgusting monster. It gives me enough to make fun of. He really does his job. Look at him, look at him, what a little cutie pie. Wait, so the walnuts are changing color? Yeah, they're changing color. They change from a kind of a beige color to this very dark red color. And that takes a couple of years. So I'm going to have to be handling these walnuts for years at a time, but I'm up for the challenge. I'm up for the task. Wow. Wow. Up for the challenge. Up for the task. And I do it, I don't know, four hours a day now. But it's nice. It keeps my hands literally busy, Tony, it's good. I'm not looking at porn, I'm not doing anything bad, I'm just messing with the walnuts. Seriously. Steve-o. I'm trying to figure out if you healthier is even more unhinged. Yeah, I don't know, I don't know. But I like it, I like it, don't change. Thank you. What do you do with your mind when your hands are occupied with the nuts? Thinking about stuff, I mean, again, I was thinking about Red Band's mom fucking losing weight. When he used to drink and say all this crazy shit, it made sense, 'cause we were like, "Oh, that crazy drunk guy on all the drugs." Yeah. But when he's sober, it's just fucking weird, right? It really is, he's healthier than ever, and he's just, he's up for the challenge. He's up for the task. Up for the task, up for the challenge, Tony. William, everybody loves you, we love you. How about one more time for William Montgomery? He got the show started tonight. We're off and running. And on to the bucket we go. This is where the magic happens. This is where every single person that's ever been on this show comes from. It's very exciting. We're gonna meet your first bucket pool at once. Goes by the name of Chase Alexander, everybody. Your first bucket pool of the night is Chase. Brothership, how we doing? I'm not doing good, guys. People say fucked up shit to me all the time, man. Someone said I look divorced. I'm 30, all right? Another person said I look like Will Smith is my favorite rapper. And then someone else said I look like a substitute that just got out of prison. I'm like, all right, that's three insults. There's two people in this group chat. This is why I never ask my parents for shit anyways, you know? Like I'm going on a date, I'm trying to send a selfie. How do I look in this shirt? This is what they fucking say to me. But I go on the date and I'm getting fatter. I'm trying to articulate that in my profiles, right? So like every photo I get like a little bit fatter and like the current one is like what I am now. But I go on this date, the chick's looking at the phone. Looking at me. And she's like, you look like a Russian doll that ate all the other versions of yourself. And I'm like, are you in that fucking group chat with my parents? 'Cause like, that is just too fucking good. But I am seeing a chick right now, believe it or not. And I feel like I could really get the best of both worlds with her. 'Cause she's got a master's degree and a DUI. Guys, I've been Chase Alexander. That's my time. Thank you so much. - Chase Alexander, welcome, welcome. - Thank you. - Have you been on this show before? - I have not, no. - No. - Okay, welcome. How long you been on standup? - Three years. - Where at? - San Diego. - That's where you live now? - Yeah. - Okay, what do you do for work? - I got a boring tech job and then I work at a comedy club at night and do hosting and just-- - What comedy club? - American Comedy Company. - Nice. - Yeah. - Yeah, Red Band's gonna be there in the month-- - July. - Hell yeah. - July. - Nine through 11th. - Ooh. - I'll keep all the homeless out. I'm the door guy, so. - There you go. Some of those San Diego homeless people. - It's hard. They're everywhere. - Austin knows. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hell yeah. Okay, so you're with a girl that has a master's degree and a DUI, is that true? - Uh, I misunderstood. It's a nursing degree. I thought she said she was a doctor. So yeah, that's not true, no. - But your girlfriend has a degree? - No, she's, I'm not dating her either. She's-- - Oh. Not real, everybody. - No, no, no. I tried to make it last, but you know, I really did want someone with a degree. - How long? - That's a requirement for you? - Yeah, I mean, clearly. Look at me, I'm degree-worthy, you know. - How tall are you? - Five, eight and a half. I would take a diploma, a high school diploma. Yeah. Hey, I'm trying to shoot for the stars, you know? So are you dating anyone at all? No, I'm not dating anyone right now. Okay. I'm living with my grandma, so it's hard to get pussy when you live with your grandma, yeah. Where was that in your minute? I had a little more about her. You know, she's Jewish and just doesn't shut up about it, so that's pretty annoying sometimes, but I hadn't gotten to it yet. Are you Jewish? Not technically, because she's my dad's mom, and it's like the mom side, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. What is living with your grandma actually like? Do you see her first thing in the morning when you wake up? Yeah. Does she make you breakfast? No, I just try to avoid her as much as I can, because she gives me anxiety, and I work at home, so I'm, like, trapped with her, you know? Exactly. What does she do that gives you anxiety? Tell us, like, the worst parts of living with your grandma. Just spill the beans. Why don't you go? Go out and get some pussy. Why are you in the house all the time? That's a part of it. I guess just, like, constant panic attacks that, like, I have to deal with, and then she's like, maybe I should die, and I'm like, all right, like, I can't deal with this shit. I'm not qualified, so it's a little stressful, you know? How long have you lived with your grandma? Like, six months. Okay. Yeah, it's pretty new. What made you move in with her? Grandpa died. Ooh, how did Grandpa die? He just got cancer. I think she honestly killed him because he did not want treatment. He was like, I'm good to die. Let me go. What kind of cancer did he have? Pancreatic. Works every time. Get that motherfucking pancreatic party started. Yeah. Now, when somebody has a job in tech, you don't imagine they're living with their grandma. What do you do in tech? I work with cities to help modernize their transit stuff. You're degree-worthy, man. Thank you, thank you. Have you ever been with a girl that has a degree? I mean, probably not, but I'm not, you know, I just started looking for the degree women, so, you know. Have you ever been with a girl? I have, I have. One or two, you know. Is Will Smith your favorite rapper? No, but people say I look like, someone who would be like that, you know? Right. Yeah, yeah. I like you. I like you too, Steve-O, thank you. Have you ever tried to take a girl back to your grandma's house? No, but here, I think I could, because my grandma's room is far away, it's got her own bathroom, and I could close the doors, and the doctor has upped her nighttime Lyrica. Ooh, Lyrica? Yes. What is that, her stay-at-home black nurse? Yeah. Lyrica Jenkins, University, Alabama, linebacker. I wish, I need Lyrica in my life. That's right. Bad news, Lyrica, there's not a Lyrica in the world that has a degree, buddy. Where are you, Lyrica? You don't even, they don't even have degree, the deodorant. Oh, great. Oh, come on, what are you talking about? What is, what exactly is he implying there? Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp. D Madness is laughing, Deez is laughing, we're good. All right, Chase Alexander, before I get you out of here, tell us, what is the most interesting thing about your entire life's history? What's something crazy that you've been part of, maybe an award that you won, maybe a special skill or talent that you have that you excel at, something like that? There must be something in which, out of your entire life, there we go, what is it? - People really think my earlobes are soft. - Really? - Yeah. - Come over here, let me see this thing. - Oh, no, you fell into Tony's trap. - No, those are normal earlobes. - Oh, no, you fell into his trap. - People have been lying to me. I thought, everyone told me they're soft. You know, that was kind of my thing, and I guess I don't have a thing now. You know, fuck. - Has anyone besides Grandma told you this? - Redman has softer earlobes than you, dude. - Well, he's probably got a lot of lotion on him. He's a moisturized man, you know? - Rumors about me. - That's crazy. Amazing. Well, Chase, since the most interesting thing about you is your very normal earlobes, is there anything else? You don't have any hobbies or anything like that? There's nothing that you're passionate about in life? You just do your tech job, fucking wait for Grandma to fall asleep, and then jerk off and do it again the next day? - I do mics, and then I jerk off. - Got it. - Yeah, that's the order. But, I mean, yeah, no, I don't got, I don't know. I'm fucking, yeah, I've got shit. I just work. - Does Grandma almost ever catch you or anything? - She doesn't really see more than, like, 10 feet out, so I'm pretty good if I just kind of back up. - So sometimes you just do it in the same room, just across. - I could get away with, like, a real dim light. I could do dirty, you know? - Wow. - Yeah. - All from the grandmother's perspective, by the way. - Oh, yeah. - Your husband died. You're waiting for the end yourself, and your fucking incel grandson named you. Fucking brutal, dude. You guys don't own any guns, do you? - Maybe, you know? - No, don't do that. No killing yourself. At least not until six months after this episode airs, so that we don't get blamed for it. - Perfect. Now, Chase, fun times. You've been doing it three years. You're out there hustling in San Diego. Sign up again next time. Keep up the good work, and here's a medium-sized joke book for you, Chase. There goes Chase Alexander. And the bucket has begun, ladies and gentlemen. You see what it is. Anything can happen. That young buck. Ooh, it's Heidi and Val, everybody. What a special treat. What did we miss? What's there? What just happened? They kiss? Oh, my God. Wow. Chase Alexander's earlobes just got hard. All right. Everybody, your next bucket pull looks like another new name. It goes by the name of Timmy D. Timmy D. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, this party's just getting, make some noise for Timmy D, everybody. - First try. - Oh. - Sony, somebody told me back there this shirt looks, is racist. I'll tell you what's racist is elephants. You never hear any white people getting killed by an elephant. How much do you gotta be not paying attention to get killed by an elephant? I'd be like, "Hey, look, y'all. It comes, here comes the elephant." "Ole!" Anyways, worst part about getting killed by an elephant is you're laying there and I'm going, I'm going blank. You're like, "Well, yeah. Well, I've been killed by an elephant." And it's exactly the opposite of what you thought it would be like when you died. You're surrounded by loved ones, candles, and a priest trying to put his cock down. And you've got your cock in your mouth. And you're like, "Hey, man, I'm dying over here." He goes, and the priest is like, "That's what makes it extra dirty." So, so you're laying there. - All right, you have reached your time limit. One more time for Timmy D, everybody. - Thank you. - Or as I call him, Scary the Cable Guy. - I'll take that, I'll take that. - Timmy, welcome, welcome. - This is surreal, Tony. - I love it. Look at you. You are just a dream bucket pool. I cannot wait to find out all about you. The last guy was giving me nothing. That pussy lived with his grandma, doesn't do anything. I feel like you have fucking bodies buried in the backyard. You know what I'm saying? Anybody that steps foot in your yard's getting-- - There's carcasses in the backyard. - Oh, yeah. - Mostly deer and stuff like that. - Okay, very good, Timmy. How long you been doing standup? - Off and on for about 10 years. - I love it. All of it here in Texas? - No. LA. - You went to LA? - I did. The first time I ever did it, I got up at the ice house in Pasadena. - How many gay men got slaughtered in LA when you went? - I got the fuck out of LA. - Yeah. - I look like somebody who would slaughter a gay guy. - Yeah. - I'm learning a lot about myself tonight. - You're learning a lot that a mirror could have taught you. - This is just, I decided this is what I'm doing. You know, you just make a decision. This is what I'm fucking doing. You like my boots? - It's great. It's great. It's great, Timmy. Get back up to the mic. It's a wise choice. Camouflage. People are wondering what the floating arms are doing out there, just blending in to 6th Street tonight. Timmy, how old are you? - 63. - Really? Damn, you look great for 63, buddy. - I just had a little boy at 60. - You had a little boy? - I have a little boy that's three years old. Turned three years old in January. - Oh my goodness gracious. Is he healthy and everything? Is he okay? - Is he healthy? - Yeah. - He's kicked me in the balls about 75 times in the last three years, so yeah. - Perfect, perfect. - He's doing good. - What have you been doing for work your whole life? to me I'm a guitar player songwriter engineer producer Wow look at you guitar player how long you been playing guitar for since I was six oh my god Wow and you've been doing that for a living you made all your money the last well I was a carpet installer for years and then I moved to Nashville and then I picked up enough work on Broadway how were you when you moved to Nashville 2002 I moved there and then my wife and I had a baby and her family's from Wisconsin and she just wanted to live up there for a while I just sold that house and I'm moving back to Nashville in April so how many kids do you have total one that I know about well you said you had one when you were in Nashville 160 yeah I just had and then you had a you lost me Tony you know then you have a three-year-old old that's all I got that's all you got I turned 60 ahead got it this planned by the way what's that having a baby at 60 what was the question yeah when this is a lot man I haven't been on a stage and what was a planned pregnancy how old's the lady you got price gonna be 39 in March damn look at you look at you did she know that she was getting fucked by you or did she did you know that she was getting fucked by you or did she did or was the camouflage throwing her off or did she did or was the camouflage throwing her off she thought she thought her dildo out of she thought she thought she thought her dildo out of mind of its own that night this dildo the mind of its own that night this dildo the mind of its own that night this dildo the dildo who fucked me and it was trying to dildo who fucked me and it was trying to dildo who fucked me and it was trying to tell me jokes the whole time he's talking tell me jokes the whole time he's talking tell me jokes the whole time he's talking I wouldn't shut up about elephants I wouldn't shut up about elephants I wouldn't shut up about elephants for some reason I thought that I wrote for some reason I thought that I wrote for some reason I thought that I wrote that bit just to do this I love it I did that bit just to do this I love it I did that bit just to do this I love it I did it's one it was a minute in five seconds it's one it was a minute in five seconds it's one it was a minute in five seconds but I missed some stuff so yeah but I missed some stuff so yeah but I missed some stuff so yeah apparently took me longer to tell it apparently took me longer to tell it apparently took me longer to tell it sure yeah anyways so uh-huh it's okay sure yeah anyways so uh-huh it's okay sure yeah anyways so uh-huh it's okay I'll ask you a question come on yeah I'll ask you a question come on yeah I'll ask you a question come on yeah don't lose me yeah I'm not we're not don't lose me yeah I'm not we're not don't lose me yeah I'm not we're not losing you Timmy I'm very good at this losing you Timmy I'm very good at this losing you Timmy I'm very good at this job and you're exactly are the type of job and you're exactly are the type of job and you're exactly are the type of person I watch every week and that's person I watch every week and that's person I watch every week and that's what I do in my spirits I will watch what I do in my spirits I will watch what I do in my spirits I will watch this show and have anxiety attacks this show and have anxiety attacks this show and have anxiety attacks because I knew I was gonna be here I because I knew I was gonna be here I because I knew I was I just got here last week mm-hmm I came here and signed I knew I was I just got here last week mm-hmm I came here and signed up today in here I knew this up today in here I knew this up today in here I knew this was gonna happen okay I did hey I get it was gonna happen okay I did hey I get it was gonna happen okay I did hey I get it is intuition is strong I love it so I'm is intuition is strong I love it so I'm is intuition is strong I love it so I'm gonna go back to Tim's very good gonna go back to Tim's very good gonna go back to Tim's very good question you had a baby three years ago question you had a baby three years ago question you had a baby three years ago my wife did right but were you guys my wife did right but were you guys my wife did right but were you guys planning yeah I was way confused yeah I was way confused yeah I was way confused he spent enough time in LA to where he he spent enough time in LA to where he he spent enough time in LA to where he might have a pussy so Timmy did was it might have a pussy so Timmy did was it might have a pussy so Timmy did was it the plan were you like I'm gonna let's the plan were you like I'm gonna let's the plan were you like I'm gonna let's have a baby I was in Florida where I was have a baby I was in Florida where I was have a baby I was in Florida where I was fishing and I came in from fishing you fishing and I came in from fishing you fishing and I came in from fishing you caught a baby while fishing yeah I came caught a baby while fishing yeah I came caught a baby while fishing yeah I came in from fishing she's like I'm pregnant in from fishing she's like I'm pregnant in from fishing she's like I'm pregnant I'm like awesome awesome no it's been I'm like awesome awesome no it's been I'm like awesome awesome no it's been great I almost missed it you don't do great I almost missed it you don't do great I almost missed it you don't do it you know you don't want to miss that it you know you don't want to miss that it you know you don't want to miss that you almost missed you almost missed what you almost missed you almost missed what you almost missed you almost missed what haven't shot having children oh the haven't shot having children oh the haven't shot having children oh the birth it's unbelievable tell us about it birth it's unbelievable tell us about it birth it's unbelievable tell us about it is that how you dressed he wears camo is that how you dressed he wears camo is that how you dressed he wears camo did the kid try to call crawl back into did the kid try to call crawl back into did the kid try to call crawl back into the pussy when he saw you wow that's a the pussy when he saw you wow that's a the pussy when he saw you wow that's a little dark Tony come on my wife's little dark Tony come on my wife's little dark Tony come on my wife's watching this I think do you think being watching this I think do you think being watching this I think do you think being being a new father do you think you're being a new father do you think you're being a new father do you think you're gonna start to like get your act gonna start to like get your act gonna start to like get your act together well I don't have a job I don't together well I don't have a job I don't together well I don't have a job I don't know I thought so I have some acoustic know I thought so I have some acoustic know I thought so I have some acoustic eggs and okay do some engineering some eggs and okay do some engineering some eggs and okay do some engineering some session work and Tony you better get session work and Tony you better get session work and Tony you better get good at making fucking peanut butter and good at making fucking peanut butter and good at making fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something a bitch jelly sandwiches or something a bitch jelly sandwiches or something a bitch is gonna leave you Tony we do me a favor is gonna leave you Tony we do me a favor is gonna leave you Tony we do me a favor yeah will you ask me about the low yeah will you ask me about the low yeah will you ask me about the low point in my musical career sure there point in my musical career sure there point in my musical career sure there you go what's the what's the low point you go what's the what's the low point you go what's the what's the low point in your musical career when I was in your musical career when I was in your musical career when I was playing guitar for Blake Shelton for playing guitar for Blake Shelton for playing guitar for Blake Shelton for about ten years okay is that it you're about ten years okay is that it you're about ten years okay is that it you're just you're just taking shot at a guy just you're just taking shot at a guy just you're just taking shot at a guy that it was not good Tony why was it not that it was not good Tony why was it not that it was not good Tony why was it not good I mean I was throwing my life away good I mean I was throwing my life away good I mean I was throwing my life away would you like to expand on that at all would you like to expand on that at all would you like to expand on that at all well the low part the low point we did well the low part the low point we did well the low part the low point we did Good Morning America and like 6.2 million Good Morning America and like 6.2 million Good Morning America and like 6.2 million people watch that show yeah that's what people watch that show yeah that's what people watch that show yeah that's what they said I was staying there no way they said I was staying there no way they said I was staying there no way that song some Beach and I was thinking that song some Beach and I was thinking that song some Beach and I was thinking myself there's 6.2 million people just myself there's 6.2 million people just myself there's 6.2 million people just watching me throw my fucking life away watching me throw my fucking life away watching me throw my fucking life away right now that's listen can you guys right now that's listen can you guys right now that's listen can you guys play any Blake Shelton song now we know play any Blake Shelton song now we know play any Blake Shelton song now we know you can't plan you know well that's a you can't plan you know well that's a you can't plan you know well that's a YouTube copy right are you just taking YouTube copy right are you just taking YouTube copy right are you just taking shots of Blake Shelton the guy that paid shots of Blake Shelton the guy that paid shots of Blake Shelton the guy that paid you for 10 years the whole reason I'm you for 10 years the whole reason I'm you for 10 years the whole reason I'm here okay well that's the whole no we here okay well that's the whole no we here okay well that's the whole no we don't like I thought it would be don't like I thought it would be don't like I thought it would be interesting it's not but I will let you interesting it's not but I will let you interesting it's not but I will let you play a guitar Heidi are you back there play a guitar Heidi are you back there play a guitar Heidi are you back there you have the house guitar is that thing you have the house guitar is that thing you have the house guitar is that thing too we keep it tuned okay we keep it too we keep it tuned okay we keep it too we keep it tuned okay we keep it tuned Heidi there she is everybody the tuned Heidi there she is everybody the tuned Heidi there she is everybody the lovely Heidi we got a cord for that we lovely Heidi we got a cord for that we lovely Heidi we got a cord for that we know what we're doing here know what we're doing here know what we're doing here is there anything to drink what the is there anything to drink what the is there anything to drink what the this is dude Michael hand him that this is dude Michael hand him that this is dude Michael hand him that this this is like a dream right here this this is like a dream right here this this is like a dream right here people crack it open for him Michael people crack it open for him Michael people crack it open for him Michael open I need a pig they took all my open I need a pig they took all my open I need a pig they took all my shit and made me put it in that bucket shit and made me put it in that bucket shit and made me put it in that bucket back there back there back there there you go take a sip of that there you go take a sip of that there you go take a sip of that here's to all the lesbian just take a here's to all the lesbian just take a here's to all the lesbian just take a sip of the water Jesus Christ Almighty sip of the water Jesus Christ Almighty sip of the water Jesus Christ Almighty take a sip of the water this is taking take a sip of the water this is taking take a sip of the water this is taking way too long I see why Blake Shelton way too long I see why Blake Shelton way too long I see why Blake Shelton fired your ass very good red band it's fired your ass very good red band it's fired your ass very good red band it's a great mouth noise that we needed I need a great mouth noise that we needed I need a great mouth noise that we needed I need a pic awesome you need a pic what a pic awesome you need a pic what a pic awesome you need a pic what else do you need a some lyrics and else do you need a some lyrics and else do you need a some lyrics and Talent Talent Talent let's go dude let's go come on you just let's go dude let's go come on you just let's go dude let's go come on you just hit D Madness in the head with your hit D Madness in the head with your hit D Madness in the head with your guitar get up there guitar get up there guitar get up there you guys gonna play with me you guys gonna play with me you guys gonna play with me just play for a little bit they'll join just play for a little bit they'll join just play for a little bit they'll join in Jesus Christ in Jesus Christ in Jesus Christ it's got to be an original song it's got to be an original song it's got to be an original song hey hey hey Timmy Timmy look at me hey hey hey Timmy Timmy look at me hey hey hey Timmy Timmy look at me Timmy you have to play an original song Timmy you have to play an original song Timmy you have to play an original song you can't cover something okay you can't cover something okay you can't cover something okay YouTube's got wacky rules and they'll YouTube's got wacky rules and they'll YouTube's got wacky rules and they'll give all the money to Blake Shelton give all the money to Blake Shelton give all the money to Blake Shelton if you if you play this music in the show if you if you play this music in the show if you if you play this music in the show well I mean it literally can't be the well I mean it literally can't be the well I mean it literally can't be the same chords and sound is anything else same chords and sound is anything else same chords and sound is anything else you've been playing guitar for six years you've been playing guitar for six years you've been playing guitar for six years you don't have one original song um I you don't have one original song um I you don't have one original song um I have a cut on Blake you said you're a have a cut on Blake you said you're a have a cut on Blake you said you're a songwriter yeah songwriter yeah songwriter yeah I do you cut one of my songs I played I do you cut one of my songs I played I do you cut one of my songs I played on that record too do you have anything on that record too do you have anything on that record too do you have anything that isn't a famous song or a published that isn't a famous song or a published that isn't a famous song or a published song at all it was supposed to be the song at all it was supposed to be the song at all it was supposed to be the next single off the pure B.S record and next single off the pure B.S record and next single off the pure B.S record and I got fired and then I didn't get my I got fired and then I didn't get my I got fired and then I didn't get my song singled and it cost me about a song singled and it cost me about a song singled and it cost me about a million can you do a solo Just really rip it? Yeah, just destroy on guitar. Campfire burning on a Mississippi river bank. My old pickup speakers are cranking out a lot of hank. Sheriff's daughter dancing on my hood. With an empty bottle, this can't be good. Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. I've now been informed that he is indeed covering someone else's song. I wrote that song. What do you mean you wrote it? I wrote that song. But it's out there by somebody else. It's a cut on a Blake Shelton record, and I. Okay, Jesus Christ, Timmy, do you not listen at all? Oh, my God. Was your parents 60 when they had you? Red Band! Wait, what's your sound when you do a good one? No, you had that one sound that we play. It's been so long since you made a good joke that we literally. Oh, there it is. It's this one, right? Red Band! With a joke that made the whole room laugh at once. Timmy, we appreciate your approach. We're going to have to end this show. I'm a little worried about whoever talks into it next. Maybe we can switch it. They're going to get some Nashville herpes from the 1960s. Alright, your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. She's been on this show before, funny young lady. Emily Wade, everybody. Here we go. I'm from Boston You can't really hear it from my accent Unless I say certain words like Back Or khakis Or suck my fucking dick, bitch You know, the classics My guy friend heard my accent once And he was like, Emily I think it's kind of hot That you have a Boston accent Do you use it in the bedroom? I was like, what the fuck do you think I do in there? I'm just like, hotter Faster No, you show me who's in charge, daddy I want you to pack that Big Mac truck Right in Havoc Garage Or whatever Caddy B says I was having sex recently, though And he was hitting it from the back And out of nowhere, I just turn and go Use me like a fucking fleshlight Sex stops Immediately Nothing will get you softer than Mark Wahlberg's voice coming out of my body Thank you guys so much Wow, Emily, wait Wow Unbelievable That was fantastic You've been on this show before, but that was your best set yet For sure Thank you Welcome, welcome Remind everybody, how long have you been on stand-up? I'm coming up on three years now Three years, and you're originally from Boston But before this, you were in Miami? Yes, I was Is there anything you miss about Miami? Besides the hookers? Yeah, is there anything I really miss the weather It's fucking cold in Austin, even though It only gets to like 60 degrees out here Yeah It'll get warm To say the least, it's gonna get real hot Is there anything You miss about Boston? Yeah, the people, we're such assholes up there I love it I made eye contact with somebody on the train the other day And I was like, why the fuck are you looking at me, dipshit? Avert your eyes, I'll go Sorry No, it's great You really are from Boston Fuck yeah And how's Austin treating you? What do you love about Austin, Texas? You know, I really love the outdoor people They always bring entertainment It's fantastic I'm never bored here Are you talking about the homeless? That's a great word for them I've never thought about that before We have a lot of outdoor people here That's brilliant I thought she was talking about like Patagonia Vesca A lot of people dress like Timmy D out there A lot of camouflage muscle shirts Outdoor people Amazing Amazing What do you do for fun around town When you're not doing stand-up, Emily? I don't want to tell you what I do Because I don't want to make you make me do it But I love karaoke Oh my God Well, unfortunately we already had a guy Do a little karaoke right before you I swear to God I wrote that song, Tony Oh shit, I just accidentally had another baby I love it What do you guys think about Steve-O, Tim? What do you guys think about Emily? I loved it And I'm just mesmerized by the tattoo of a jellyfish Hey, my eyes are up here, Steve-O Yeah, all I can see is this jelly Why did you get a jellyfish tattooed on your arm? Okay, so I'm really scared of the ocean But I love the ocean One day my karate sensei showed me his tattoo Your karate sensei? He's overpowered Yeah Yeah, I'm a second-degree black belt Are you serious? Yeah, but don't ask me to show you anything Because I'm kind of fat and out of practice No, come on There must be some Can you do just one little front kick or something? Can you beat the fuck out of this guy right here? No, she's so pretty You want me to beat the shit out of the blue-haired liberal? Yeah, actually, she's perfect Blue-haired lady that looks like she wants to protest the show Why don't you just take a front kick Let this poor, let this ice protester from Minneapolis take a All right What kind of shoes are you wearing? Um, Nikes? Yeah, you could throw a kick Throw a kick, come on Michael, give me that kick music Whoa! Oh, my goodness gracious That's incredible Thank you, thank you I'm here all week So, let's go back to it Your karate sensei Karate sensei Uh-huh, had a tattoo? He had a tattoo of a spider And I was like, why the fuck do you have a black widow spider? He was like, I'm terrified of spiders So he was like, I put something that scares me on my body So I have to face my fear every day And I was like 15 I was like, whoa, that's so fucking deep And then I got money and my buddy tattooed me In his bed and it was a jellyfish, so Yeah, that tattoo looks like it was done Laying down in bed That's incredible Steve-O, is that why It sure was Is that why you have a dick on your forehead? How do you know about that? My sensei told me to get whatever I'm most scared of If I did that, it would be a vagina on my forehead Wow, you have a jellyfish That's good That's incredible Yeah, Red Band's thinking about getting He's going to get a peanut butter and jellyfish tattoo Wow, Emily, what else is going on in life since the last time we saw you? Anything else crazy? I did my first three feature spots in the past year, which is very exciting Nice Thank you Longer sets For those of you that might not know That's the spot in between the opener and the headliner on the road Usually 15, 20, 30 minutes I'm ready for my applause now It's a growth spurt Your karate Sensei would be very proud He did me very well Yeah, Steve-O Who did you feature for? I featured for Davy Jacks And then I did two different feature spots in showcases Oh, sweet Do you have any other tattoos? Nothing as nice as your eyebrow one Oh, thanks I can show you I have this one Sorry, my bad I'll clean it after, guys It's fine This one says, never less Ooh And this one says, never less And this one says, never more And again, I thought it was deep as fuck, okay? Wow Oh, wow You must be scared of bad tattoos Sit on it and rotate Emily, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday Boom, you just got booked on The Secret Show Here's the big joke book Emily Wade, ladies and gentlemen Growing I love it when people get better and better on this show Sometimes, every once in a while People stay stagnant People get worse Turns out that one minute that they did the one time Was their best minute And they haven't been writing How about one more time for Emily Wade? We're gonna keep it moving on here Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Blake Apatow, everybody Here we go Great to be here What's up, folks? I don't know how y'all feel about immigration But I feel like all things We need some balance Like, I think we should build a wall But we should also install a doggy door For hot Latinas We need them desperately I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas And for every Latina we import We can deport one obese white chick Maybe two to one or three to one I don't know what the exchange rate is I'm a big white gal It's been a tough year My best friend died from a fake Xanax That had fentanyl in it Yeah, he would take Xanax to help him chill out Now he's about as chill as you can possibly get Eternally chill And my other friend FaceTimed him the night he died He still feels horrible Feels like he could have saved him somehow Imagine how I feel I still feel horrible I sold him that Xanax Thank you, folks Blake Apatow Welcome to the show, Blake Thank you, sir How are you? Doing wonderful You've been on before, right? Yeah, recently Yeah, this was better than last time, right? Definitely Much better Hell yeah You've been picturing this And preparing for it mentally Yeah, brother And writing and doing open mics Definitely How often do you get on stage a week? Yeah, so just in the last couple months I've really found an upshift That I was probably doing on average The last couple years In Austin, maybe three minutes a week And now I'm doing like 30 minutes a week There you go It shows It shows, my friend Amazing Loved the ideas the whole way through Did you really have a best friend that died? Yeah, it's actually He was like my middle school best friend And it's kind of a complicated death, you know Because we jacked each other off as middle schoolers Ah So Now our secret is It's safe It's six feet under the bed Six feet underground Yeah He made you come And you made him go Hell yeah Hell yeah Absolutely Obviously you didn't really sell him that Xanax That's a joke Correct Okay, correct Because I had to ask Because you literally look like you sell that Xanax Yeah, yeah People try to buy coke from me all the time I bet You look like an outdoor person I get that But he looks like a really fucking I mean, yeah, it is amazing. I work in the neighborhood and some hotel valet went the other day saw me. He's like dude. I don't know your vibe I can't figure out. I can't figure out if you're a billionaire or homeless. Yeah Percocet Forrest Gump Yeah, Chris Dilaudid Yeah, you get a lot of girls you're a good-looking guy you dress like a like a like you're like you're trans or something I Do okay, I do okay a lot of women just like instantly yeah either they feel me or they don't I guess and make it very Clear if they don't sometimes I'll kind of wander up and short shorts and shirtless and flip-flops and around like Lady Bird Lake and instantly I'll just go to say hi. I'm like not interested All right fair that makes sense. We try whatever once in a while one of them is into it Oh, yeah, absolutely any of them with alive dads I don't know about that Can you give us an example of a time that? Went extremely well for you. Oh Yeah All right, you ever just you ever just bang a chick against a tree there at Lady Bird Lake Oh Once I went on a tinder date by the Lady Bird Lake and she was that she was a mom And we kind of strolled for an hour got dark and then we sat at a bench and she ended up blowing me twice Twice twice. I didn't even want the second one. Oh my god That's amazing deep madness is going to meet this girl right now Hey enjoy where the fuck is Lady Bird Lake at? Fucking motherfucker Thank you, it's amazing. Yeah made you come twice. Well, I guess when you're used to getting jerked off by middle school boys It's pretty exciting. Get your dick sucked on a bench and I'll be you would know So explain to us twice how much time is in the middle there and are you using blue chew using? the promo code kill Tony Sounds like a good idea. Maybe the future but um, no, so we're kind of just hanging out and people were coming you know slowly sporadically and then we started started kind of hooking up started going for it and then It was very hot because people were coming like she had to we had to stop the blowjob multiple times and I kind of pretend like we were doing nothing and then I cover it up and Very hot for her to resume that what did you cover it up with? Oh, I just we threw the pants on quickly and then I kind of like I threw my leg over I was curious if you had maybe had like a newspapers Yeah, and so one of the times she makes you Climax, oh, yeah And then how much time goes in between the first blowjob and the second blowjob an uncomfortable amount I wasn't even ready really for the second one. It was um, it was clear that she wanted that 20 or 30 minutes No longer than that two or three minutes Wow, yeah, but it was so hot like I'm not even an exhibitionist, but I guess then I discovered I kind of was Yeah, but it was so hot like I'm not even an exhibitionist, but I guess then I discovered I kind of was And um, and I don't know. Yeah, and it's like it's beautiful. I know I mean obviously blowjobs are amazing anywhere But in nature, yeah with the sounds of the little evening squalls and yeah, and that and that's just that's just you Amazing do you know how many kids this mother had? I think she had one. How old's that kid? This thing is seven Wow Yeah, think about that. He's got it. You were all seven at one point your mom could have been sucking outdoor people cock at the park. Think about that. And no one wants to believe that your mom would do it, but just remember, she did. Your mom's also. All right. Amazing. Red Band? Tony, what kind of car do you think he drives? This is easy. I'm going to go with a bird scooter. Now, you are a Mitsubishi Eclipse? I was an 06 Mustang GT. Okay. But currently, you're on the money scooter. Right. So I am right. Yeah. It really is a scooter. But I prefer the Lime bike. That's, like, classy to me. That's, like, the millionaire kind of version of the scooter. Hell yeah. What do you mean currently? What happened to the car? Well, I got a. DUI. Yeah, no, 100%. A year ago. Really? Yeah. Spot on. Just almost wrapped it up now. Take us through that. Oh, God. What exactly happened that night? Okay. A couple drinks with my co-worker. And a couple comments that came back to kind of haunt me that night. I was like, wow, I'm so proud of my drinking lately. I've been being so responsible. And then I. After, like, two or three drinks, I went and stopped in to get a drink at my friend's bar. And I genuinely remember that first drink. Nothing at all for the next four hours. Complete blackout. Complete blackout. Came out of the blackout with multiple cops with firearms on me. Yeah. Yep. Let me ask you this. Just how many drinks did you have at that second bar? Did your buddy tell you? Did he tell you the next day or whatever? So that's the thing is I was too shameful. I didn't even go back and ask, honestly. But I had a number of drinks. Is this buddy the same guy that you blew? Maybe? It's revenge. You're getting all the stories across here. It was a hand job. It wouldn't suck his buddy's dick. I mean, that'd be gay. And that's the thing is this. We did, you know, we did actually blow each other. Oh, yeah. So, FYI, 13-year-old boys give terrible head. God awful. Wow. Wow. Wouldn't recommend. Wow. Clip it. I'm on my Epstein shit. That's a brand new sentence. I'm a young Epstein. I'm looking for my Ghislaine. Amazing. Ghislaine is in prison. Amazing. Blake Apatow. Did you know at the time it was terrible? Or was it after, you know, you finally had a woman's touch that you went, "Wow, that was actually not that good." No, it was so bad. It was mid, bro. Yeah. It was really terrible on impact. But it was so nice to have somebody touching me. For reference, it wasn't my first blow job. I had, I was able to self-suck when I was a 13-year-old. So it was just nice to have somebody else sucking it, man. Right. Yeah. Ghouls, you got to get back to class. Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit. You got any secret show spots left? Fucking pervert. Get yourself a handjob, Red Band. Can you still self-suck? Yeah. No, bro. I lost the magic power, dude. Heidi, bring out the yoga mat. Have you tried recently? I haven't tried recently. You haven't? No, I haven't. Now, when you would self-suck, Tim, hold on to that question, because I want to get back to that. But when you would self-suck, would you go on your back, legs up and over, or would you go get hard, Indian-style, hunch over, the old Master Yoda, you know? Yeah. So, I tried everything. I'm an experimental guy. I will say, I was kind of a pro level, though. I could self-suck just standing up. I could just bend over. Can you show us exactly, can I get a drum roll and you show us exactly? Steve-O's very interested. He's getting ready for Jackass 6 over here. Whoa! Very good. Okay, you said you could self-suck until you were 13. Yeah. So, at what age did the goo come out, and how did you handle that? Well, that's the thing is, I started jacking off and I had goo, and then I was sucking with goo. So, I had like a hot six-month run. Okay. Okay. So, what were you doing with the goo? Bob, you know what? I was swallowing it, Bob. Yeah. Come on. This is Kill Tony. Woo! 2026. And for that, my friend, you're leaving here with a big joke, Bob. He just catches it in his mouth and swallows it. Blake Apatow. I love you. Thank you. I'm trying to figure out what was the crazier confession. Sucking his buddy's dick when he was 13 or swallowing his own shit. Yeah. Somehow, it's less gay if it's your own dick, isn't it? I think almost everyone agrees. Yeah. Yeah. But that was heavy. That was really, really heavy. You know, most people online that have sucked their own dick say it feels less like shit. It feels more like getting your dick sucked and more like you're sucking a dick. Yeah. It's like an elbow. Yeah. Red Band said on an episode that he used to be able to do that. We put it to the test. His head was about three feet away from his penis. The belly now. Yeah, the belly blocks everything. I used to only be able to do the tip of it. It was so horrible. Red Band has a four-foot-long penis, everybody. Wow. Wow. It's amazing. Let's get another bucket pull-up here before going to one of our great regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Michael Goode, everybody. Michael Goode. All right. I had to go to a baby funeral. And I'll make it silly, but I don't know why I thought I was going to see other babies at the funeral. I don't know why I thought I was going to see other babies just looking around like i guess this wasn't one of the popular ones that's the only funeral where you can't talk to the coffin with the same voice that you talk to the person when they were alive you can't just go like you might if i say a few words a uh a lady got uh mad at me recently for saying the word retarded uh this woman's like you're saying the r word what year is it and i was like huh this doesn't even know what year it is bless her heart wow what the can i say holy amazing michael good has entered the kill tony universe welcome welcome my friend where where have you been doing comedy at this whole time so i've been in new york for about seven years now two years in florida about seven in new york wow you are hilarious dude thank you man what brings you to austin uh i was just kind of going down here trying to do shows and i have some friends in the scene so i was like let me just mix it up and get down here for two weeks yeah amazing amazingly talented where do you tend to perform in new york city uh my two main spots are new york comedy club then the grizzly pear nice yeah you're doing it dude that's hilarious how much what's the longest set you've ever done i've done 50 but it's stretch like it's like the headliner road gigs that are just like like dude on saturday it was like nobody below 65 in like greenville texas sure yeah that happens yeah that's part of the game what but have you opened for people do you feature for people anything like that no i mean i'm featured for my friends doing online next month but then for the most part it's just road gigs and club spot but like like low level headliner gigs yeah you are fantastic do you make a living doing stand-up in new york no no i'm poor as right now yeah yeah yeah i sold feet pics like two days ago so really yeah my podcast listeners they're into the feet and uh i waited till the last minute then i was like ah it we have a d madness is in defeat he's coming back in he just got done getting a double blow job at ladybird lake i still think he thinks it was ladybird lake it was really it was really just a piss stream in the alleyway but we told him it was ladybird lake anyway uh michael tell us more about your life what else about you such great jokes so well thank you so perfectly executed what else uh well i grew up uh doing pretty well so this is a big drop off like i grew up rich yeah just getting blown in my dad's range rover and then now i sell plasma and feed pics so yeah like a washed up disney channel star it feels like just amazing what did dad do for a living he works in real estate nice and that was in florida yeah yeah yeah okay what part of florida orlando yeah hell yeah the home of uh cam patterson yes did you know cam when you were coming up so i went back for the holidays because i lived in new york and he buried me when he was like six months in and i'm like how long does that have a new comedy like six months i was like yeah i'm gonna kill myself that was yeah he's a special freak yeah he's great uh i love it and so you still live in new york yes i leave tomorrow actually what's your uh situation like how many square footage you live by yourself uh no two other comics uh under a train basically okay allowed is it a two bedroom no it's three bedrooms uh and then toilet though you got your own bedroom what part of town uh brooklyn williamsburg brooklyn so you're sharing one toilet with three two two other dudes two dudes yeah wow what's that like it is it's pretty brutal you can i can break into my laundry room's bathroom the the landlord like locks that but i'll just go in there and break it if i really have to take it though wow that's crazy he has one toilet three dudes i live by myself and have three toilets we're like the opposite we're like opposites michael good incredible i have toilets i've never even seen before just to let you know when you think about me just remember i love it what else about your life tell us more you're so funny and interesting dude thank you i uh this is i'm bad with money so i'm i put money towards becoming a ufo field investigator yeah because i want like the id like you get a card from this thing called mufon the mutual ufo network and i'm like dude to have like a little badge with my face on it seems like i could do a lot of fun with that so a lot of plans that don't actually move my career forward and i'm like why did i spend 300 bucks on that but wow what else you slinging cutco knives or anything like that like you are you just have the wildest money-making schemes it is absolutely incredible yeah uh i'm trying to think ways to make money or how to how much money do you have how much money do you have saved up right now this is the only show in the world where people ask that question by people i mean me i have 600 300 is borrowed right now yeah you gave away 300 or no you're borrowing 300. 300 of the 600 is borrowed who did you borrow it from a friend or a parent or a parent yeah okay are they charging interest your dad owns real estate is there an apr or something like that no no no no it was a secret one that my mom's like oh we love those secret mom borrowings i never got one in my life that's why i ended up wildly successful yeah yeah i mean you can't have people helping you you know what i mean you gotta struggle yeah i agree um so what is that extra 300 doing for you exactly what are you doing what are you doing with that extra 300 that you wouldn't have done had you not had it just getting rent covered so i can like yeah and i'm gonna pay it back of course plasma feet pick she doesn't have to know where i got it yeah exactly she might be the one to support you secretly without dad knowing she might be the one buying your feet picks that's yeah something just something to keep in mind like i'll do anything just don't let dad know dad's tough on you huh uh yeah yeah but he's a good dude but he believes in what you're doing yeah yeah yeah we've got some argument we got an argument a couple months back i was like i don't even want to have this conversation i've never borrowed money from you and then like a two months later i was like oh i gotta ask this guy for money but he's he's supportive but like i don't know he's like you know we'll see but yeah i don't know amazing amazing you remind me of the guy from office space oh yeah i get that a lot yeah yeah how much money do you get for plasma like and have you ever done double red because that pays more right double what double red no one knows what you're talking about it's like that how do you know about this are you settling plasma yeah dude red pan's buying plasma yeah every six months bro i think we just found out how covid started everybody plasma to people in wuhan well your dad doesn't know you're gonna make it thank you dude i appreciate that thank you thank you man i appreciate that a lot he's a good dude he's just cautiously supportive yeah your dad i'm gonna beat the out of your dad i'll tell you what you've been doing comedy in new york for seven years total what do you think the greatest venue to possibly play in all of new york is like outside comedy like madison square garden that is correct and i want you to tell your dad that you will be doing a minute on keltoni in august at the greatest arena in the world madison square garden you're doing it buddy here's the big joke folks in august at madison square garden tickets going on sale extremely soon i'm technically not supposed to announce that it's supposed to be a surprise but we do it every year we go to madison square garden every year just like every other podcast does all right ladies and gentlemen we have one of the greatest regulars in this show's history here an absolute phenom a freak of nature that was once at one point known as the dark storm of atlanta he's now the dark storm of austin here with a brand new minute like he does every single week every single episode no weeks off this is dedrick flynn uh armadillos are just mexican turtles i thought that's what the word armadillo mean because i've been trying to create some secret ooze to turn these into teenage mutant ninja mexican turtle you don't even got to change the name you know what i'm saying it's just rafael leonardo michael but i'm master splinter now that i got y'all in a silly thing i got to get to some beef that i got um the who made the low battery noise and smoke detectors how the i got so many white friends that move next door to me they smoke detector don't never go off but when my black ass family move in that should be on for 15 years. Nigga, either kill yourself or not. I hate a battery that don't actually want to die. But then now I know it's a conspiracy. They turned us into sleeper agents. They want us to be ghetto. Because in 2001, I opened up the smoke detector, and if y'all remember, Duracell used to be able to have these buttons that you could press and see how much energy was left in the battery. Nigga, it was full! I'm done. I'm such a shit too fast. Dead drink. Blame. Fucking unbelievable. Every single time. My God. Oh my God. So many great references. The armadillo really is a Mexican turtle. Your take on the battery is incredible. I forgot about Duracell's amazing technology back then. Yeah. It was an interesting thing. I mean, you would almost, what, we would kind of take things out just to check. You would, like, take the batteries out. Yep, still there. Super cool technology. It was. You know why it chirped, though? Even though the battery was full. Say something mean. No, it's because that means the sensor was done. You had to replace it. It wasn't the battery. It was the sensor. It expires after, like, three years. How come my white friends didn't have no sensors? Well. Please tell me more about your fucking technology that your people did to my black people. To make us poorer than what we thought. Because we can't have a full conversation without somebody going, ah! Yeah. Well, we did this. We have the same thing. The white people have the same thing, but when we hear it, we do whatever it takes to stop it. That shit be over there, Tony. We ain't got time. I gotta knock down cobwebs and shit. I gotta go outside and be black in the 90s. It was a lot. Steve-O. I, uh. I did what it took to stop mine. I got a fucking broom and I fucking javelined that thing. No more smoke detectors. Have you ever thought about taking a gun, holding it sideways, and shooting the smoke detector? Yeah, the other day I got a fucking gun and I fucking went up there and I fucking. I robbed that nigga's voice. No, that's my impression of you. I'm so sorry. It's not me being mean. I love you. I love you. Black people love you. Thank you so much, man. Hey, man, I love you. I love you, too, man. And it, and it, yeah, uncanny. That's my black Steve-O impression. Wait. This is Steve-O saying, nigga, nigga. That's amazing. That's amazing. I've always wondered what it would sound like coming from that voice. Nigga, y'all gotta check out Wild Boys. Y'all gotta check out Jack and Fire, the movie. Black Steve-O gonna be in there. I think you got a new character. Yeah. Steve-O Harvey. Welcome to the feud. So why let's go to the ant school, boy? Family few says. Number one. Oh, turtles, now, yeah. What do you call Mexican turtles? Turtles. So, Dedrick, you did it again. What else? Have you seen an armadillo? I've seen a lot. Nah, I saw one when I was high, and I never want to see that nigga again. They really are a freaky little thing. That shit, them niggas move too quick, you know what I'm saying? They do. That's why they're not turtles. Yeah. A turtle take his time, say, what's up to you? Can I cross here? Yeah. Like, an armadillo, that nigga just run up on you, and he want a taco or some shit like that. It's really like an armored raccoon from Mexico. That's true. From my deep research of seeing one of them niggas, and I never want to see. Actually, if two more armadillos. I'm moving back to Atlanta. If I see two more armadillos, why the fuck y'all got them out here? We should do something. You can't even eat them niggas without getting like an STD or some shit like that. Because I looked into it, Tony. You know I cook. I wanted to make some armadillo fried rice. Amazing. How about bats? You've seen a lot of bats here in Austin? Nah, I'm waiting for the bats to come out. I bought a little mini bike, and I bought a Batman costume. And I'm gonna go You might have bats in your place and not know about it because they hang from the ceiling and chirp every once in a while. But I think black. like, bats, not blacks, but. It's the bat history month. Did you meet the bats? It is. It's bat history month. No, I hate the bats! March is bat history month. Was that your joke? You put the mic down immediately. Tim, we're friends. Don't do this to me. I was just gonna say, bats are just black birds. That's why they be hanging all the time. Let's go. The Butterly Hinchcliffe connection. Alive and well. Oh, man, I wish I was well-equipped to say something back, but just. You wish there was an N-word for white people? They have crows up. They have white words. They have, like, N-words for white people you can't say. Yeah, crows are different, though. That's a whole different thing. They're out there working the fields and everything. That's a whole different world. You guys would never. The bats eat the insects because I Googled it because I was dating a white witch one time, and that bitch had a bat box in the backyard so she could have bats to take care of the mosquitoes. Because down south, our mosquito's bigger than me. And, like, they gotta eat all that. That's why we got lightning bugs. I don't know. Y'all like, lightning bugs? Y'all call them, what, fireflies out here? That's dumb as fuck, nigga. Them shits is called lightning bugs in the real south. I remember lightning bugs very well. Awesome. I don't really see them. No, they don't have them out here. They don't have them out here. You know, Batman didn't have them. They got those ones. Wait, Red Band, ladies and gentlemen, bring up the sound effect. I don't know if you guys heard it. It happened quick. He's not one that's known for timing and enunciation, but he did just crank another home run. He said, Batman also didn't have a father. And just for that, my friend, you will, oh, he can't find his own sound effect. Thirteen years. That's from William Montgomery. He told me to tell you, fuck you, dumbass. Wow. Red Band, with two jokes in one episode. If you have that on your bingo card, if you bet, if you bet one dollar on Pauly Market, you just won five billion dollars. That is the first time Red Band. Batman be robbing also. Whoa! Sunset! Sunset! Wow. Come on! Wow. Yeah, Red Band on his shit today. Do you believe in miracles? USA beats Canada in hockey. Yeah! And Red Band pulls a hat trick on Kilton. This is unbelievable. Someone's gonna drink himself to death tonight, I can already tell. He's gonna be holding court in mid-seas. Just gather around, kids. Let me tell you how I got to this point in my life. Shout out White Dad. That's what I call Red Band. White Dad. Oh, my God. Dedrick, you're the fucking man. You did it again. We absolutely love you. You're watching a shooting star, ladies and gentlemen. Live, in the flesh. The one and only dark storm of Austin, Dedrick Flint. What an episode. You guys having fun out there? I know we are up here. Alright, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Gus Swanda. Gus Swanda. Here we go. Thank you. I recently moved back to the United States after living in South Korea for 30 years. So I'm experiencing a bit of a culture shock. The big, biggest difference is the things you can't say now in America that you could 30 years. You can't say, apparently you can't say homeless. You have to say unhoused. I tested this theory out. I saw a homeless guy the other day and I said, do you prefer the term homeless or unhoused? And I will never forget what he said to me. It was so poignant. He said to me, stop stealing my thoughts as he stabbed me repeatedly. I'll put that down as an unhoused after I get back from the hospital. Um, you know, you can't say the word retard anymore. Uh, that's a new one. You have to say Democrat. Um, yeah, you know, a mechanic kicked me out of his shop the other day just for telling him that I blew a tranny. It's like, that's homophobic. I'm like, no, it's just, I drive too hard. Um, and the worst one, you can't say f***. Anymore go ahead go Go ahead, finish it, finish it. No, I mean, you have to say, a bundle of sticks with which to start a fire with, you know. I mean, but that's so long. I mean, that's a good word. I love this. All right, all right, all right. There you go. You did it. Gus Swanda, welcome. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up, Gus? I started in 2007. Wow. I started in 2007. Did you? Yeah. That's the same level of success I could see. I love it. I mean, you went on to make all those great Mythbusters episodes. And I focused mostly on the comedy part. Comedy. Yeah. Why didn't I think of that? What have you been doing the whole time? Where were you in 2007 when you started? I was in Busan, South Korea. Pusas? Busan. Busan. Yeah, and we had a comedy group, you know, in a pretty big community there. It's like the second largest city. Seoul had a comedy group, and we, you know, we had a big tour around. I was lucky enough to-- Remind me again. Where's Busan? It's on the very southern tip. It's on the coast. Beaches. It's known for its beaches. Shaved. South Korea. South Korea. Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry. Okay, go ahead. You were saying something. And, well, you know, I was fortunate to meet and open up for some really big-name comedians, like Kyle Kinane, Danny Cho. I'm good friends with Tom Rhodes. Nice. Yeah, so I came back here. I was at university. I was a university professor, and-- Where at? In Busan. Oh, you were at Busan University. You taught English? No, I taught international relations. Okay. So I came back here, and I tried to do that, and I found out I can't do that. Yeah. So I thought, well, you know, do what I love, comedy. And I found out I can't do that tonight as well. How old are you? I'm-- how old am I, really? Or how old do I tell people I am? Jesus. Are you gay? Anyway-- Sometimes you find out the answer to two questions at once. How old do you think I am, Tony? Yes and hell yes. How old does my asshole look? Did you bleach it? How old are you, Gus? I'm 55. 55. How old do you tell people you are? Uh, 53. You think it's worth it? You think the juice is worth the squeeze on that one? Yeah. Shave off a couple years. You know what? I swear to God, if you were two years older, I wouldn't be down, but I'm going to suck your cock on a park bench twice in three minutes. All right. Wow. It's a callback to earlier, Gus. A callback is when you-- no, I'm joking. What? No. I think it's so funny-- Well, call me back later, and we'll work on that. Whoa. Are you actually gay? No. Oh, OK. Gosh darn it. But I really want to be on "The Secret Show," so-- Whoa. That's Red Band's deal. Look at him. I'm-- He's taking a phone call. Red Band. He's taking a phone call. Rogan. Come on. He's got a pretty big case. Dude, Rogan. Rogan, I got three big laughs tonight on "Kill Tony." Did you bring back any good Asian women? Dead Asian women? Yeah. Good Asian. I was married for 10 years. Wow. Yeah. You met her there? Yeah. What went wrong? Oh, my God. All right. All right. Another callback? No, it's not. It shouldn't have gotten that-- They're literally just rooting for-- It was-- They're rooting for the underdog at this point. Or in this case, the under pig. It's on fire, Tony. Stop hating, dude. The problem was communication problem. For example, like, one time, she came home all excited. She was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And she was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And she was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And she was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And she was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And I was like, "What's going on?" And she was like, "What's going on?" - Jamie. - Okay. I was waiting for more than that. I didn't know. I thought it was more. Dave Chappelle spent a lot of his youth there. So did Richard Pryor. Okie dokie. Big names don't matter either. Matt Rive. Steve Harvey's from Cleveland. Yeah, Steve Harvey. Absolutely. We could go on and on. Don't understand how we last so long. Must have superpowers. So, Myers, and you make all your money doing stand-up or you do a little Uber Eats or something? Yeah, man. You do? No, no, no. Stand-up, mostly just doing shows, selling merch, producing shows. A lot of it from producing shows. What's your merch like? What is that? Well, my merch, man, it's these little stickers of me with my image on them and got my social media at the bottom. And they donation-based. Oh, okay. People give me what they feel from their heart, $1, $5, $10, whatever it is. But after the shows is how I sell them. I put a cardboard sign. I put a sign around my neck, since I'm begging. Fuck you, since I was begging. And the sign says, I wish I could have brought it out, but the sign says, I'm funny, but being a broke comedian ain't no joke. Please donate, nigga. That's what it says on the box. I added in a nigga right now. There's no nigga on the sign. But, and it helps me out, you know, but producing shows mainly is what kind of helps me and putting on my own show. But you're staying in Dayton, where the rent is cheap, but it's also tough to make money. Yeah, yeah, it is. Have you ever thought about moving with your talents, you know, seven years experience? Have you thought about moving to a city that might have a better economy and more opportunities for you? I've thought about it, man. You know, I'm starting to really build up a lot of shit in the scene out there, where I'm kind of like on top of this like mountain a little bit. I'm kind of this big fish in a small pond, but I'm not really. That's great, but can I tell you something? You're going to die in Dayton, if you keep building that mountain. Yeah. Exactly what is your rent? Just be honest with us. I got to know exactly what the rent that keeps you in Dayton is. Well, my rent now is different. I live in Huber Heights now. Ooh, Huber Heights. It looks like I'm not the only one with three toilets here. Oh, I didn't realize I was talking to royalty, Jarrell. Jarrell, Jarrell, he lives quite a life of luxury in Huber Heights. Oh, you must be the only black person in the park in the neighborhood. The population of black people is like 2%. It went up when I moved. Yeah, it went up 2%. That's how black I am. I'm wearing my own name on my jersey. I'm very black. When he drives down the street, every white person's like, there he is. There's the one. I actually currently own a Cadillac that's not working. So that's how black. Wow. Wait, I'm getting word it's now 3%. They're counting that 3% in Huber Heights. They're counting your Cadillac as one of the, well, it doesn't work. It just sits around all day. Might as well be black. Yeah, the rent now is like at-- it's like $700 now. So that's still-- Amazing. So you and your girl are splitting $700 rent. I wish splitting-- no. She don't kill me for saying that. But no, nigga, no, that's all me. That's you, huh? You let her keep her grocery store money? No, she keeps all that, man. She needs it. What does she spend it on? She takes care of the phone bill. She got a phone bill. Oh, oh my goodness. So you got-- Yeah, she-- Phones are on. Other things. Honestly, these are questions I should be asking her, Tony. I don't know. You kind of fucked me up. I was like, damn, what the-- if I'm-- She's helping. She pays for the phones, but does she also pay for the beepers? I'm talking about your smoke detector, of course. My smoke-- nah, that's-- yeah, I got to find out what's going on with that. Do you have a smoke detector in your apartment? You don't even know. The stereotype is incredible. I don't know my living-- You're making me question my life. That's what I do to people. It's a lot of fun. Did you-- Did you hear that? Do you know what that is? Is that the smoke detector? Yeah, it's very good. Where's that playing from? Since you answered that correctly. No. But yeah, no, a lot of it, too, producing-- I produce my own shows and take them out on the road sometimes. Do you know our friend Layla Ingles? Oh, yeah. Layla's the little homie. I fucks with her, man. That's my little, like, mentee, man. I fucks with her, yeah, yeah. She's a little thing. Let's check in with-- let's check in with Steve-O here. Steve-O. What does-- what do you do to produce a show? I'm just trying to picture that. Maybe I'm dumb, but-- You're going to love it. You're going to love it, actually. It's called "Black Ass." Touring everywhere. But now, like, what kind of shows do you produce? Yeah, I help run out things. It's on the independent closer, where we book different acts. But a show that I produce myself is actually called "Gerald's Will of Comedy," where, like, I get-- me and my co-host, Cockaroo. Y'all can guess-- all right. Wait, you said the word of the day. What's your co-host's name? Cockaroo. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah. How do you-- You can guess what race he is. How do you spell that? How do you spell that exactly? Cockaroo, C-O-C-K-A-R-U-E, Cockaroo. Cockaroo. Yeah. For some reason, every time you say that, that weird noise plays. Yeah, yeah, it's actually scaring the shit out of me right now. I think I wish that smoke detector was back on, man. It's freaking me out. But yeah, me and Cockaroo, we co-host it called "Gerald's Will of Comedy." We invite a guest, you know, comic on the panel with us. And what we'll do is we'll bring different comedians that we locked in for it. And they have a will, "Gerald's Will of Comedy." They spin the wheel. And whatever the will lands on, based on the topic, they got to do a joke based on that topic. So it'll be, like, relationship joke, or crowd work, or, you know, family joke, dirty joke. Just do it on that. And we take that show about four different clubs out in the Midwest. Awesome. I'm sorry for asking. I saw it in your face, Steve-O. I fucking saw it. Check in with the great Tim Butterly. I'm actually going to be in Dayton in March. And I would love to have you on my not-so-secret show. Whoa. Look at that. Oh my god, he really is. It does say "Dayton" here. What are the odds of that? That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I could. Man, but-- I take it back. Fuck you, dude. Looks like it's just-- I'm already featuring on a show in Hartford, Connecticut. Wow. You know what, Tim? I have a suggestion. Tony, can you edit that part out? I'm going to say something mean now. I really want to. I have good news for you, Tim Butterly. While Jarrell is not available, you can book "Cockaroo." You guys booked "Cockaroo." No, you don't want to book "Cockaroo." Me and "Cockaroo" are doing heroin in Dayton, dude. You can't stop us. You can't stop us. I almost accidentally threw my wallet at you, Jarrell, I swear to God. Oh, dude, that would have been fantastic. Well, it ran off. We do have, from the great Bones Eye, Harry Jokebook. Oh my goodness. There he goes. Jarrell Beeman, everybody. What an exciting time this is. What an episode. Let's keep the momentum up here. We have one of the greatest-- Golden Ticket winners in the entire show's history. How about a hand for Heidi and Val, their hit podcast, "Love on the Line," is available at HeidiRegina.com. Be sure to follow the band, the Kill Tony Band, on YouTube and Instagram. And follow Bones Eye. He makes the best stuff made out of leather in all of Texas. We have a great Golden Ticket winner, one of the best ever, literally, perhaps the best Golden Ticket winner in the history of the show. Make some fucking noise for the one and only-- Martin Phillips, everybody. What's up? Hey. The medication I take is called oral Baclofen. I take oral Baclofen because I don't want to take anal Baclofen. You know? It could fall out. You know? I-- some people smoke it. I don't want to smoke it. I smoke weed through an apple. I smoke through a squash. So when I'm high, I'm like, oh, I'm so squashed right now. Let's get squashed. Trying to make it a thing. OK. A scientist say, scientifically speaking, you can sleep with your second cousin. And I don't know. It sounds like that scientist just had a really hot cousin. You know? It's like, I did the research. It's cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Hilarious, Martin Phillips. Martin, welcome. Another very, very funny set. Thank you. I'm noticing this backpack that you have tonight. Oh, you know-- Can I ask you what the hell's that? No, no. OK. No, no. I brought it. I brought it. All right. So is that to help you stand up straight? What exactly is that? It's a parachute in case. I thought, oh, uh. Child's backpack. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's cool. It's just what you needed to look a little bit more like a pedophile. Okay, so the most negative feedback I get is nobody wants to hear my voice. So Steve-O gets it. So, okay, I'll admit, this is a child's toy, but it changes your voice. Oh, my goodness. So we had the option of robot, ghost, alien, or monster. Ooh. What are you going to say into it? Do you have a pre-planned thing that you're going to say? Okay, we can redo the joke. You can see that it's better. Oh, my goodness. Which one do you prefer? What are you doing first? Robot. Here we go. The robot Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. This could be the future. Perfect. Wait, wait. Okay. Oh, it sounds like a robot, right? Okay. All right. What? What's the deal with airline food? I really only hear you saying, "What's the deal with airline food?" That thing. Steven talking, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear that ghost. Ghost? Yeah. I want to hear that ghost, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait a second. What? This thing is crazy. It's the ghost of a robot? Wait a second. This is for. I know how to work this. This is for five-year-olds. I can fucking. Yeah, you could do it. You could do it. Was that in the backpack that you stole from the kid? I can't. They can't afford this book bag, okay? Okay, okay, okay. This is the fucking. This might be monster, actually. Wow. This is still aggressive. This megaphone does every voice from Epstein's Island. This is incredible. There's child ghosts. There's Stephen Hawking. Is there a Bill Clinton on that thing? This is alien. It's what? Alien. Alien, okay. It's got to start speaking Spanish. Wow. Is there anything left? What's left? Did we do Monster yet? I think we did Monster. I think there's this regular megaphone. Oh, that's going to be great. Black helicopters. This thing might be a piece of shit. Oh, sorry. For all the parents out there, let me review. Let's switch it to Alien. I have an idea. Let's switch it to Alien, shove it up Steve-O's ass, and you rip a fart. All right. Martin, you got anything else in that backpack? No, I just. Serious question, though. Is that your real backpack? Do you wear that backpack around? Because that is hilarious. I don't use it that much, but it's a cool, stylish backpack. It's a little Asian girl's backpack. No, it's cool, okay? It's Swedish, okay? Tim Butterly. Imagine how disappointed the guy that robs him on 6th Street is going to be. What the. Fuck this stupid-ass megaphone. Man, I can't even buy no crack with this shit. Yeah, well, so, okay, I made it worse than I usually sound, but. You are unbelievable. That was so entertaining. Yeah, fuck the haters. Goddamn right. Fuck the haters. Fuck the haters. Fuck the haters. One more time for the undeniable. The undeniable Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! What an episode. We're coming around the mountain here. We're coming around the corner. Two more bucket pools. Let's get through it. Your next one goes by the name of Freddy Dolesi, everybody. Freddy Dolesi. Here comes Freddy. Make some noise for Freddy, everybody. I just realized I think everything is a little racist. Like, my brother got a Tesla five years ago, and in five years, Tesla went from clean power to white power. Just like that. That's crazy. How do you hate people but love the environment? That's like if the KKK was like, yo, we not burning no more crosses. We LED lighting them. Strobe effect. We ride at dawn. We're solar powered. I don't know, man. I think everything is a little racist because I'm from Florida. Virginia. You know, Virginia is racist. Like, we don't have sports teams. We got to support the D.C. teams. I didn't even know the football team's name was racist until the first game I went to. It was the Cowboys versus the Redskins on Thanksgiving. That's not a game. That's a reenactment. That's like if they had a team called the Cops, and they played the niggas. It's like, "Oh, it's the Cowboys and the Redskins," and then they're like, "Oh, it's the Cowboys and the Redskins, and then they're like, 'Oh, it's the Cowboys and the Redskins.'" I'm a non-language interpreter. Really? Are you a real one, or are you like those fake ones that get caught and get in trouble? I'm a real one. I'm a real one. Really? Do something in front of D Madness. D, tell me what he's signing to you. Oh, wait. Oh, I think I got it backwards. A little backwards. I love it. D's back here talking to him. Shut the fuck up, motherfucker. You know I can't see that shit. I love it. Freddie, do you get a lot of work doing that? Doing what? Sign language? Yeah. Yeah, not too bad. I do mostly, like, I interpret, like, phone calls for deaf people. Got it. So, yeah, that's most of my days. So, like, you are on the phone, and the deaf person's sitting next to you. No, so a deaf person calls me on FaceTime, and I, like, answer the phone, and then I just call a hearing person for them. Okay, let's do it. Let's mimic a call. Let it ring one more time. Hello? Hello? Are you here? Hello? Are you white or black? Oh, wait, they're not blind. I keep thinking that they're blind. They're not talking. What is wrong with my brain today? If that was the case, they would have called themselves. What the fuck is wrong with me? No, I'll tell you. Like, it's like a woman will call or something, and she'll be like, hey, I'm calling the doctor's office. Like, set up an appointment for me, and she'll just be signing, and I'll be like, hey, yes, my name is Brittany Thompson. And then, like, the receptionist will be like, you don't sound like Brittany Thompson. You sound like a man, you know? And I'll be like, it's 2026. Tim Butterly. I am a man. I think Tony was kind of on to something, though. Is there, do white people and black people do sign language a little bit differently? Yeah. Black people are like, you need to have a blood transfusion. We need to go to your doctor's. We need to have an appointment on the motherfucking west side. Are white people, like, hitting the consonants hard, and you guys are just, like, vibing with it? Yeah. No, white people, they sign in public. Black people sign in private, you know? What do you mean by that? It's dangerous if I'm just outside signing. That looks, it looks. It's amazing. It looks like I'm gangbanging a lot, very well, yeah. I love that. So let me ask you this. Like, every 30 seconds, does your smoke detector go, like? It does. i love it we need to find a smoke detector sponsor at this point because we are just crushing are you first alarm yeah first alarm get in the podcast game it's the only thing in entertainment people are actually still watching or listening to shout out first alarm use the promo code kill tony just to let them know we exist all right uh freddie what do you do for fun what are your oh you did here i did hear that is there a sign like is there a sign for the word beep beep yeah no just like beep or something like that what's the craziest what is the most shocking uh sign language thing like i once did uh i once did a show where there was a sign language person and i said uh it was a it was a white woman and um i put her on the spot and i said white penis and she was like i can't remember exactly what it was but it was a thing right and then i go black penis and then it was longer yeah it's like why is that white penis yeah black penis yeah you know something like that how about uh for the word enema enema yeah what the fuck is that that sounds like some gay shit i'm not even gonna lie what the fuck you are what the fuck is the enema your instincts are not that far off you have i think you do you have a dick on your forehead right now that's absolutely insane right yeah i've been getting a lot of comments on my uh my forehead tattoo today yeah a lot of compliments um tim butterly you really don't know what an enema is no explain it to me okay it's like uh like uh you lost me sticking up the butt and you squeeze it and you fill your butt up with water so you can blast out everything out of your butt why the fuck would i know what that is bro he made 20 million dollars on there you okay show some respect can you sign this okay what you want you stick it up your butt nope i'm doing it i'm not doing it i can't do it i can't do it you're making doctor's appointments you might have to know this stuff yeah but mostly for like stds and shit like that really you specialize in making calls for stds can you explain yourself i can't even laugh at that i guess paid from them so uh no like one i mean it's tough like you never know what you're gonna interpret like one time i had to interpret like a doctor's office and uh there's a deaf doctor and there's a hearing patient and the lady was like signing to me outside she's like hey it's gonna be quick 10-15 minutes but heads up you gotta tell this person he has cancer oh my god and i'm looking i'm looking at her like we ain't telling him shit you know what i mean like you went to school to learn how to tell someone they have cancer i went to school for like two years and i like best i could do is chlamydia you know that's the best i could do so you didn't tell the guy that he has cancer no i just let him die you know i just perfect i didn't i didn't give him cancer man that was his plan you know his destiny you didn't even give him like a i was just like yeah that's it no good wow tim butterly well i don't want to ask this one a lot but oh this is gonna sign language have the n-word oh great question it has it has the n-word i sign it all the time we'll blur it out but can you show us i i can't it's too many white people in here come on i can't tell it bro come on you ever been beat up by deaf people they got the strongest hands you've ever seen bro all they do is practice hand muscle strength and shit i can't i'll do it i know you a hundred dollars to show me the n-word in sign language right now send it right now send it right now all right all right don't do it what the fuck is rock match shut the fuck up don't do it you know how many talented black guitarists there are waiting to take your spot matt shut the fuck up don't do it don't do it well you have a choice to make here well you know what there's a thing there's a thing deaf people fuck with comedy they fuck with the show so they got even a sign for tony and shit like that they got a sign for oh i know what that is catch tim butterly is the new guitar player on kill tony starting next week i'll be in dayton ohio sometime in mormon he's gonna be in dayton with the what the fuck was it i don't know cockroach or something seriously we gotta know what's the sign for the n-word are you ready no one wants it more than the lighting guy obviously this guy he's been putting that spotlight up he's back there he's got it dialed in ladies and gentlemen this is the n-word we are about to change the world by the way ready when this episode comes out are you ready we are about to just when you thought there was less racism than ever white people are about to learn a way to call people the n-word without them knowing and here we go the man that changed the game the booker t washington if you will of signing the n-word some people are calling him the barack hussein obama of the sign the n-word sign language world breaking down bare ideas hope and change this is the n-word hilarious we have any big joke books back there yeah we have uh we have big joke books out back we've run out of them here today but uh freddie delessi unbelievable freddie do less freddie do less what the fuck is a do lessy what is that well you put an eye at the end of your name no it's not an eye it's an exclamation point it's an exclamation point with the dot touching the line by the way the dot is on the top for an eye the dots at the bottom you're so used to signing you don't know how to write it incredible what the fuck's a do lessee i don't know i know i thought i was i was expecting a fucking italian guy to come out what do you want i could see why your last name is do less by the way i do it i do too much as you know what it is you know how it go a great set fun times unbelievable interview thank you so much freddie do less all right final bucket pool tonight we are running deep into overtime ladies and gentlemen we're going to do a quick set and a quick interview with kendall jr to close the bucket portion of the night kendall jr y'all remember the uh first time you heard a black british guy talk it's like you're not supposed to sound like that unrelated uh would you ever see a girl a little too close with her dog and thank god i hope i ain't fucking that's all i gotta say meth heads though you know i've been thinking they probably do have the best pull-out game because of all that copper wiring but when a meth head has found the one and she's got one of those copper iuds they cannot help themselves and someone wants to be a father no i did know a girl once she had so many abortions she didn't even have a landing strip there's just a gaza strip kendall kendall kendall you've been on this show before right yes once what did we find out about you in the interview portion that i found interesting about you uh that i was once a super fat heroin addict yeah is there anything that's changed since your last time on the show i gained five pounds it's it's it's a mess no no there's nothing uh i uh got in a like my car got like rammed into it was crazy outside of my house i had to get a new one who rammed into you it was a drunk guy outside of my house just rammed into it it was crazy i was almost getting into it with my girlfriend so it was like a whole thing you were getting into yeah like we were about to leave like at seven it happened right at seven supposed to get out of there i had back surgery like crazy before so it would have sucked because i would have like needed another another one but it didn't happen i'll tell you this man you have great premises and you don't finish them black british guy you're not supposed to talk like that in other news and it's like you should have you have great setups the copper with the meth head you think when they find an iud like you you have this thing where you have great ideas and you're not finishing them you're taking the you're taking what would be the note in the in the book that you write like like a set list and you're just saying the thing and then you're moving on does this make sense no i can understand yeah yeah i follow you i was ready for the meth head pulling out to be hilarious yeah yeah and the the same with the black british guy like there's so much there to draw from yeah yeah no i understand but you're doing what you did with your premises what you did with meth and you're just quitting what i think is you should just keep going yes here's a little joke book buddy we got to keep it moving thank you it's been a very long episode because it's been a very very fun episode and we started with william montgomery we had dedrick flynn ari maddy is doing so many sold out shows on the road that he's adding a monday headlining shows in different cities it's unheard of we've created so many monsters that they're not even available for the show anymore on a monday which has never happened before in the show's history however i do have one last trick up my sleeve one very very special moment because your next comedian is very rarely available he's not one of those guys that does every single week he is as special as it gets an anomaly in fact the only person ever ever on the show in which i let him do whatever he wants to be quite honest with you he scares me i'm intimidated by him and i hope that one day he lets me open up for him in the arenas that i already do ladies and gentlemen i present to you a force of nature unlike anything we've ever seen before in this show's 13-year history ladies and gentlemen dare i say this is timmy no break what's up my name is timmy no breaks and welcome to timmy ass jesus fucking christ this guy won't let people say the m word or play the fucking guitar this is insane okay on my neck is a shock collar and in my hand is the remote if you press this orange button it will shock me now if i bomb one of you guys will get to shock me i won't bomb because i don't bomb but this this is the bomb shock collar this is fucking terrible um now because this is a dog collar i will give it to this lesbian bitch jesus christ no you can't start the timer red band did you guys see during the olympics how that girl lindsey vaughn broke up what the fuck are you doing you dumb whore i'm in the setup wait for the punch fuck hold it up lady hold it up a little bit so that we can see it there you go and keep you kind of not that high tone this is an uninterrupted minute i know shut the fuck i know just keep it there so that we can see when you do it this is showbiz take it from the top here we go and action did you guys shut the fuck up matt i'm trying to do the minute it doesn't even sound like the fucking thing i'm about to say the n word if you do it again i'm gonna fucking freak out oh okay start the timer now red band here we go did you guys see the olympics how that uh that skier lindsey vaughn broke a leg you know sad you know where that wouldn't have happened uh the kitchen boom fuck you what the fuck are you doing i did relax relax relax i'm gonna be honest i i love the woman's olympics i do yeah i do i think every woman's sport should only be televised once every four years suck a dick what the fuck you fucking bitch guys everybody give it up for the woman's hockey team they won gold yeah yeah finally a positive video featuring white woman and ice take that you lesbian all right one more i love the wmba i do i really do i'm serious yeah i mean it's lame that they can't dunk you know it's just a bunch of twos and threes they're ugly bull fuck all right okay relax you gotta fucking relax a little bit wow does this guy have a dick on his forehead these are getting big pops is she really hitting it yes why are you hitting it so much ladies having the time of her life she has waited what appears to be 45 years to have this kind of control over a man this is incredible we need to get we may have solved how to fix every blue-haired woman in america give them one day the man in a shock collar unlimited power who is this guy no i'm serious who the fuck i know tim but who the fuck is this guy you don't know who you are you mean you're just paying jackass homage or i don't understand what's jackass shock this motherfucker hold it down stop that thing's not working stop stop we need to turn it up is there a dial on that is that what he taped over take the tape off my name is timmy no breaks and this is the copyright infringement on the count of three the band will play limp biscuits nookie and this entire episode will be demonetized three two one go what the fuck okay oh fuck i i turned it up to ten don't do enough bobby enough bobby there's tape on the side of the thing hold on it goes it goes up to 15 oh i need to do this you stupid bitch you fucking cunt why'd you do this stop stop stop stop stop it's fine all right just if i if i bought i'll give it to you i'll give it i'll give it to the guy you don't know he won't do anything wrong at all okay all right okay all right everybody everybody fucking relax okay everybody fucking relax all right let me just do my next segment all right 15 seems like the fuck you know i control anymore this was never supposed to go past past six hi my name's timmy no i'm so scared right now hi my name is timmy no breaks and this is the taste test heidi oh my god inside of that cup is three real actual fluid ounces of horse cum from a man over there tone your challenge okay to not drink it redman put 30 seconds on the clock let's get a spotlight on tone and some dramatic music what the fuck is this it's horse cum he's picking it up to drink it it really looks like it's very thick don't don't act like you don't know exactly what that is steve-o is that horse cum there's there's a horse pubic hair i'm gonna fucking throw up dude don't do it don't do it don't do it you you don't have to drink it just just keep it there okay go to the next segment we'll go okay let's do this do the next thing go back to steve-o go back to steve-o here let's just slide it here you had a bunch of cum before this and you're full i told you not to i told you not to he had cum he's full i understand i get it son of a bitch i get it i get it okay i got one backup i got one more okay 15 hurts stop stop stop i'm gonna fucking kill you i'm going after this show we're going to go to mitzi's bar and i'm going to punch you in the dick so hard that it falls off and none of the gay guys are going to be able to suck it anymore that's what's going to happen okay it's fine it's fine hi my name is timmy no breaks and this This is trivia for retards. If you get the question wrong, and these are fifth-grade-level questions, you have to take a sip of Tone's tap water. Tone, you have to continue to not drink the horse cum if you get it wrong. -Okay. -But we're gonna up the stakes. Heidi. Give it up for Heidi, everybody. -That's. all right. -There's no way Tone is going to be able to resist that horse cum now. I know he's gonna reach over and do it. -Wait a second. -Shut the fuck up, Tone. I'm moving on to the questions, okay? All right, Steve-o, let's start with you. Tone's tap water was created by A, Tone Hinchcliffe, B, Tone the Tiger, or C, Liquid Death? -A. -I'm gonna go with A. -You do not have to drink that water. Next question. It's for you, Tone. It's for you, Tim. In a 2025 double-blind peer-reviewed study conducted by independent researchers, what was found in Tone's tap water? Was it A, mercury, B, lead, C, arsenic, D, Teflon, E, Zyklon B, F, Zyrtec, G, MSG, H, Blue Chew, I, horse cum, or J, all of the above? -J, all of the above. -Nailed it, and you didn't have to drink that fucking piece of shit. Um, okay, Red Band, for you. Where is Tone's tap water sourced? Is it A, Flint, Michigan, or B, all of the above? -All of the above. -You don't have to drink Tone's tap water. Last question, Tone. This is for you. -Okay. -Who flew on Epstein's private jet eight times? Was it A, Barack Obama, B, George Bush, or C, Donald Trump? -I have to buzz in for the answer. -Oh, fuck you! Okay, all right, okay, all right, all right. This, I'm gonna leave right here, and I'm leaving right now. Fuck you. Fuck. -Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen. I bet 16 hertz. This episode was brought to you by Tacofa's and ExpressVBN. How loud can this place get for the great Steve-O? Go to steve-o.com. He's all over the country, all over the world. The Crash and Burn Tour, he's the fucking man. Uh, one more time for the great Tim Butterly, everybody. Timbutterly.com for tickets. Columbus, Dayton, Boston, Tacoma, May 23rd, here in Austin, Texas. -Thank you very much, Tony. -Hell yeah. -Amazing. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Tony. -Of course, Steve-O, anytime. Always, you guys are always a part of the family. Red Band? -Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Every Thursday, "Secret Show." -The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. We're at the Intuit Dome in L.A. We're doing a lot of crazy shit. You're gonna find out all about it. New York, Vegas, a bunch of crazy announcements coming up that I'm accidentally leaking right now. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa! -Whoa! -Whoa, Steve-O! I guess he didn't add the hair yet. -Unbelievable. Where's the dick on my forehead? -Uh, what the hell was I gonna say? Uh. -♪ Drink the cum, drink the cum ♪ -♪ Drink the cum, drink the cum ♪ ♪ Drink the cum, drink the cum ♪ - - -Um, we love you guys. Uh, thank you so much. Make sure you follow the band, follow BonesEye. Go to killmerch.com. A lot of brand-new merch. It's state-of-the-art stuff. You're absolutely gonna love it. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody! -Hey! -Hey! -Hey! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪